#rook x johanna hezenkoss

[hezenkossapologist]

Hello does anyone have Rook x Hezenkoss posts. Is there a ship name. I will carry evil old lady Yuri (tho any and all Rooks posts/works/etc are things I want to see, in my heart yuri wins bc I fancy women most) on my back if I have to but I’m calling out to my people. Are you there?

Rookenkoss? Hezenrook? Lmk plz I need to know. for science. evil magic necromantic science

[republictrooper]

Concept: A new patch adds a "Kiss your LI" button to Veilguard, but if you kiss Emmrich in front of Johanna she just fucking loses it

[msunitedstatesjames]

I've touched on this in a couple of other semi-related posts before, but I find it hilarious and I appreciate how much Johanna Hezenkoss thinks Emmrich is the protagonist of Veilguard. Like, this woman could not give less of a fuck about Rook. She almost always refers to Rook only by their relationship to Emmrich. She refers to Rook as "one of Volkarin's hangers-on," "that impudent whelp following [Emmrich] around," "Volkarin's companion," and as Emmrich's "paramour." None of these imply that she thinks Rook has much agency. Instead, she acts like Rook is just helplessly following Emmrich around like a puppy, helping him complete tasks (which I guess is partly true).

If Rook romances Emmrich, Hezenkoss assumes that Emmrich seduced Rook and not the other way around, even though Emmrich is noticeably older than Rook and has hardly left the Necropolis in years. She's seemingly amazed by it, and yet it never once crosses her mind that Rook might have initiated the relationship (which is actually the case).

She also refers to Emmrich as the one who destroyed her construct, which is technically true, but she ignores the major assistance he had from Rook, another companion, and most notably Manfred. He couldn't have pulled it off without their help, and had in fact given up, but Hezenkoss acts like Emmrich was her sole opponent in that battle.

I've said before that part of the reason for this is that Hezenkoss seems to think of herself as the main villain of the story, so Emmrich must be the main hero. Hezenkoss says that some of the other big bads of Dragon Age, the Venatori, were nothing more to her than slightly useful and genuinely annoying. She clearly thinks herself above an entire organization of some of the most powerful mages in the world. And she sees Emmrich as pretty close to her in terms of raw power, since she almost invited him to her Vengeance Party but ultimately decided he was too much of a danger to her plans. She also states that she tried to get him to join her in the past, which I don't think she would do for anyone she considered to be less than her equal. Emmrich is genuinely the only person in the game she shows any respect for. Though she mocks his age and finds him to be too sentimental, too moral, and too fearful, she shows signs of agreeing with him on some topics, and she obviously respects his abilities if nothing else. No one else in the game acknowledges his frankly ridiculous knowledge and skill level (except Solas in the end) as much as Hezenkoss does.

And really, Emmrich does have main character energy. Though he does have some age and mortality related fears, dude is overflowing with confidence. When you first meet him, looking for a Fade expert, he has absolutely no problem telling you he's the best possible person for the job. Though he apparently hasn't left the Necropolis in years, he's totally down to join the team and go anywhere you want him to go. If you romance him, he is initially surprised, but he quickly turns into the smoothest dude around, and throughout the game you can hear him comment on some of his many relationships through the years. He's well-dressed, well-spoken, charismatic, highly educated, unfailingly kind, extremely powerful, and he's done so well for himself that Harding mistakes the son of a butcher and a cook for a member of the Nevarran nobility. No wonder Hezenkoss thinks he's the protagonist. The real protagonist is just out here winging it on guts and good luck alone.

[rachelajoseph]

WIP! I'm planning to do another part but I can't wait to show you what I'm doing!

[askfordoodles]

Johanna when she's had enough of watching her lame ex-friend play tonsil-tennis with his hot paramour right in front of her

[proffbon]

Johanna Hezenkoss you will always be famous

[winter-wise]

Hezenkoss talks about Emmrich 'seducing' Rook as if she's accusing Emmrich of lifting the leg of his trouser to display a scandalous flash of ankle.

[cacospirit]

[chuck-the-goon]

Charlot introduces Johanna to something called the ‘Time Out Jar’.

[galedekarios]

hezenkoss: it's touching that you brought your new friends to do with you, volkarin. hezenkoss: i'll be sure to bury you and your new lover in the same tomb!

i got this line finally during the fight with hezenkoss on my emmrich romance pt. the fight usually ends too quickly to trigger all combat dialogue.

anyhow, this banter once again reminded me of the short story 'flame eternal'.

i'm not sure if the callback is intentional, if it is, it's a cruel one.

the short story references johanna and emmrich investigating a haunting that they later find out is caused by two lovers being separated in death. emmrich manages to soothe the spirit by reuniting them:

Emmrich closed his eyes. Whispers came, and when he spoke, the air vibrated. “By breath and shadow. By endless night. Tell us what haunts you.” The skull’s sockets flared green. “Divided. Cold. Two graves where there should be one!” “Twaddle.” “Johanna!” Emmrich cleared his throat and turned back to the skull. “Tell me: what will grant you rest?” “Take this one… to sunken black walls… by silver flames…” The skull’s glow flickered, faded. It resumed its earsplitting shrieks.

and

Emmrich leaned over a coffin ringed by bowls of silver fire. He placed the skull next to the body of an old woman, humbly dressed but crowned with white roses. The screaming stopped. “Mathilde…” “Your wife left gently, in her sleep, last midnight.” Emmrich smiled. “The records confirm she also wished to be interred together. You’ll not be parted again.” There was a sigh. Did the old woman’s mouth quirk, or was that the dancing flames? Johanna snorted. “All that fury, ending in another grave.” “Oh, I don’t know.” Emmrich ran a hand along the coffin’s snowy marble. “It would be rather fine to possess such an enduring affection. Besides, you did see this through.”

you can read the entire short story here, if you haven't yet, and i highly recommend it.

[emmg]

Emmrich is 19 and clinging to life by a single, fraying thread because the Mourn Watch thinks he should be able to recite undead tax law backwards while sleep-deprived and actively on fire to pass their final exams.

“Have you tried eating the dean’s ass?” Johanna suggests, unbothered, because she is brilliant, untouchable, and also fundamentally does not give a shit. The Mourn Watch is a bunch of whiny corpse babysitters who should be begging to touch her holy left toe. She’s getting in.

Emmrich frowns. Then he stress cries into his pillow because what if she’s right? What if there really aren’t enough hours in the day to absorb 400 years of undead jurisprudence and necromantic rituals?? What if eating the dean’s ass really is the only way to get in???

“Here, chucklefuck,” Johanna says, dumping a heaping platter of coke in front of him.

Emmrich gawks. He is a good boy. He does not cheat. He does not do illicit substances.

He also desperately wants to be a Watcher.

One (1) snort couldn’t hurt, right?

Spoiler: it hurts.

Johanna starts taking notes because Emmrich is fucking disintegrating in real time. His hair is greying from stress, lack of sleep, and possibly the unholy amount of  crack fucking cocaine currently pickling his soul. This is hilarious to her. She joins in.

“I wanna build a huge skeleton,” Johanna announces mid-line, eyes fully dilated like she just glimpsed the face of the Maker.

“I want to find the love of my life,” Emmrich sobs, dropping his portion onto a skeleton’s pelvis.

Doesn’t matter. He’s already committed to this downward spiral. He snorts it off the pubic bone.

Some dipshit cultists are trying to loot the deeper levels of the Necropolis, which is a really bad fucking idea. This is a problem.

Emmrich has not slept in three days.

So he raises the same dead guy 17 times to yell at him.

“PLEASE just let me fucking die,” the cultist begs.

“Not before you scrub every toilet in the necropolis with your ghostly tongue,” Emmrich says, wagging his finger and tsk-tsk-tsking.

Eventually, a formal complaint is filed against him for “unethically harassing the dead” because he keeps waking up long-buried married couples to demand dating advice through his corpse whispering.

Years later, Rook brings a brick of coke to the Lighthouse.

“Oh no,” Emmrich whispers, as PTSD from his academically sanctioned drug-bender days slaps him in the face.

He should say no. He should act like a normal, respectable 52-year-old professor who has left that life behind.

But he loves Rook. He loves Rook so, so much.

And what if Rook thinks he’s lame now? What if she looks at him and sees some washed-up old nerd who can’t even do one little bump of coke like the cool kids?

One (1) line can’t hurt, right?

Spoiler: it hurts.

Immediately, this well-respected academic finds himself in a full-blown, vein-popping screaming match with some random ghostly asshole that wandered into the Lighthouse.

“Hehe,” sneers the Spirit of Bullshittery, “you’re ugly.”

“I TAKE EXQUISITE CARE OF MY APPEARANCE, YOU SEMI-CORPOREAL VULGAR TROGLODYTE,” Emmrich screeches, his voice hitting a frequency that could shatter glass and summon distant, confused seagulls. “BEAUTY IS SUBJECTIVE AND STANDARDS HAVE CHANGED THROUGHOUT THE CENTURIES—IN THE BLESSED AGE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN A—”

Rook, watching this clusterfuck unfold, comes to a rational, reasonable adult decision:

She shoves his dick in her mouth. Maybe if he’s busy getting sucked off, he’ll finally shut the fuck up. Emmrich is so overcome he asks her to marry him mid-suck.

Coke is banned from the Lighthouse.

[hezenkossapologist]

THIS STEAMY F/F HEZENKOSS DOMINATING ROOK PORN FIC IS CHANGING MY LIFE

THANK YOU ABANDONEDHALL FOR “THE GUILDED INVITATION”

I will be in my bunk saluting the hard work put in at the old woman yuri mines 🫡

[songbird-and-her-fos]

The argument between Rook and Emmrich won't leave my mind. Hezenkoss was suspiciously quiet throughout the whole thing, but I am 100% that she didn't stay that way after Rook left. After all, she's just a skull and her only remaining joy in her unlife is taking pleasure in the misery of others. So here's what I think went down after the argument.

-

The door closed, perhaps a bit more loudly than usual, and Emmrich stared at it for a few more seconds, still tense with frustration. Why couldn’t Rook even try to understand him?

Just as he was about to get back to packing, as she had suggested, his train of thought was interrupted by hoarse laughter.

Absolutely not in the mood for this, his sharp gaze turned to Hezenkoss’ skull. “And might I ask just what is so funny to you, Johanna?”

Hezenkoss needed a moment to gather herself, but every attempt at speaking only ended up in increasingly demented sounding giggles. Finally, she managed to say:”So much for your eternal love. You didn’t just let her slip through your fingers; you literally flung her away from you! I’ve never seen someone sabotage themself so spectacularly. Really, if I still had hands, I’d be applauding right now!”

Emmrich bit back a sharp retort, specifically about someone sabotaging herself enough to end up eternally trapped as a talking and, at present, very very annoying skull, and decided that ignoring her was the best course of action. So he went back to what he had been doing, while Johanna cheerfully continued. “I don’t know what would be funnier. If she spent the rest of her miserable little life hung up on you, or if she moves on right away and you’d have to watch her in the arms of another man.” She paused for a moment. “Oh, what am I saying? Obviously the latter. I’d love to see your face when you see her find what you always wanted with someone else.”

Ignoring her was just getting harder and harder, and Emmrich found himself gripping his staff so tightly that his knuckles turned white. It’s for the best, he told himself. Rook deserves someone her own age.

“I mean really, this little whelp risked life and limb to help you against me, and this is how you repay her? If this is what your ‘love’ looks like, it surprises me that she put up with you for as long as she has. I know I wouldn’t, if I were dumb enough to ever find myself in her position in the first place.”

“I’ve about had enough of you”, Emmrich finally broke his silence and tossed a washrag over her skull.

But Johanna just had one last jab for him. “Imagine, all those times this doe-eyed little fool so ardently defended you to me, all of her talk about how you are such a good man. I wonder if she still thinks so after you talked down to her like she is a disobedient child.” The amount of glee in Hezenkoss’ voice as she said this was nothing short of sickening.

The tension in his body dissipated, and left behind only a disturbing feeling of emptiness. He had treated Rook like a disobedient child, had literally looked down on her, when all she wanted was to comfort him. 

He had to apologize. As soon as possible.

[lunian]

Rook, half beat up by her: Aw thats so nice 💕 Uh I mean-

[jaal-ama-daravv]

JOHANNA HEZENKOSS

Emmrich Volkarin Romance Barks

[proffbon]

On one hand, hey don't talk to my boyfriend like that! But on the other, Johanna is hilarious.