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mswyrr · 1 year ago

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#feel like I should reblog more of these just because I appreciate people put in a lot of effort into thinking about it#having said that my personal issue with 2.07 is not that conflict or drama happened#it was the nature of that conflict and drama#which felt both inauthentic to the couple and their previous narrative#but also which felt like something very difficult to walk a relationship back from#like look we all want the true love that overcomes all odds and forgives all sins#but at certain points one should ask whether these odds and sins are right to be displayed as surmountable#because one's actions have consequences and to remove that (rightly or wrongly) sends a certain message#however even with all that in mind#I really think people should just be able to say Siuraine is their ride or die and most people will readily accept that#(also I guess there's still the whole 'is there more to this angle' which no-one will have a definite answer to for ages!) (corleyan)

I would say that conflict scales to the type of genre you're dealing with. To quote Regis again:

Ritual death in the screwball romance novel could take any number of forms. In keeping with the light tone of the work, the heroine could be laid up with a cold after being drenched in an unexpected downpour, her illness a simulacrum of death. All of the resources of slapstick are available to suggest death at that moment when the betrothal of the heroine and hero seems least likely. Ritual death in the darker romance novel, in which the heroine is the child of alcoholics, might take the form of a friend becoming destructively drunk. To darken the mood more, the friend might be a recovering alcoholic. To further darken the mood, the friend might die. Again, this marks the point at which the union of heroine and hero seems impossible. In both cases, the heroine symbolically overcomes death. (15)

A heightened, stylized Fantasy story where there's magic and intense power dynamics and existential threats requires heightened and fitting conflict. This is a storyverse where Evil exists as an actual thing; relationships based on literal psychic soul bonds exist; everything is very stylized and over the top about this story's world. It's meant to be mythological, to operate on the scope of fairy tales and legends. Conflict has to be on the same scale as the rest of the story.

I feel like f/f conflict is judged as if all media must depict romantic scenes as if it's a realistic drama where the stakes should be close to reality, even when the genre is something very grand and stylized. But I don't think that makes sense tonally at all.

In a realistic drama, Siuan and Moiraine would be fighting over something mundane but serious, like one of them getting a career opportunity across the country that would require a move and social/career sacrifices on the other woman's part or something like that. They'd raise their voices, say hurtful words, maybe a breakable object would be thrown on the floor or something. It would escalate to the point where things are coming up that make them both realize their relationship is actually in jeopardy.

But they're magical women of tremendous power and authority living in a world on that grand scale, so they have a fight that's about the fate of the world and they use magic in it. The text is not defending using a magical vow she made to you to compel your wife to close a magical portal - because that isn't a thing that can happen irl. It's depicting a heightened version of something that in reality would be more like throwing a plate on the floor and raising your voice and saying hurtful words (using the irl ways that we give each other insight and trust as commitment and vow, instead of a magical vow, to wound).

In both cases, the thing depicted is not a positive thing - but it is a part of life. And in the stylized Fantasy story it's a part of life where everything is over the top and/or metaphorical, because that's the kind of story we're watching.

If they had an argument like in a realistic fiction story it would be weird and tonally inconsistent with the rest of the story. Why can't their love story be of epic proportions in a Fantasy story intended to be epic and cosmic in scale?

I'm happy to agree to disagree on whether they were in character. As to the potential dangers of depicting messy behavior... I don't think canon lesbian relationships exist first and foremost to depict what healthy relationships should look like. I don't even think it's a goal art is particularly well set up to achieve; therapy and self-help books are intended to be about real people relating, narratives have other goals.

But even if we take that point away and agree a lesbian love story must morally instruct us on healthy relationships, given what I see as the "translation" back to reality and a more realistic set of stakes, I truly don't think they did anything they cannot be forgiven by "healthy" adults. They are long-term partners who had a serious, emotionally devastating argument because of the tremendous stress they're under and how they saw a core challenge they were facing very differently and doubted each other. It doesn't mean it would be inherently wrong for them to grow and forgive from there.

Siuanraine, romance narratives, and "the point of ritual death"

I have a long-term interest in love stories: the different genres of them, their history, and how/why they work as narratives. One of my favorite texts on the topic is by academic Pamela Regis who wrote A Natural History of the Romance Novel (2003), where she analyzes the genre over time and argues for 8 essential components of this kind of love story. One of the most important she called "the point of ritual death". Here's the basic definition:

that moment in a romance novel when the union of heroine and hero seems completely impossible. It is marked by death or its simulacrum (for example fainting or illness); by the risk of death; or by any number of images or events that suggest death, however metaphorically (for example, darkness, sadness, despair, or winter).(13)

Regis basically argues that this (along with what she calls "the barrier") is one of two "engines" that really power Romances as narratives for audiences:

In overcoming the barrier, the heroine moves from a state of bondage or constraint to a state of freedom. The heroine is not extinguished and the reader is not bound. Quite the contrary. The heroine is freed and the reader rejoices.

The point of ritual death provides a similar set of possibilities for meaning in the romance novel form. This element marks the moment when no happy resolution of the narrative seems possible. The heroine herself is threatened, either directly or indirectly, actually or symbolically. Her escape from ritual death involves an overthrow of the most fundamental sort. It is death itself that is being vanquished, and life itself that the heroine will win. (15)

It depends on how the Wheel of Time writers ultimately structure things, but I think 2x07 could be that "moment of ritual death" for Moiraine and Siuan's romance, the point where all hope seems lost and through which the couple and their love symbolically overcomes death. That kind of overcoming is what makes love stories powerful as literary experiences with metaphor and emotionally heightened drama and it connects to the more quotidian realities of how conflict and forgiveness is an organic part of relationships.

Metaphorical death and rebirth happens in all kinds of stories, not just love stories, because these things subconsciously preoccupy humans. Not just because we all are aware, on some level, that we will die, but because the act of living is itself a lot of deaths and rebirths - we do not grow, change, or join with new people (or leave old relationships) without, on some level, experiencing forms of death and rebirth.

This is why I am so frustrated at times with what I see as intense negativity toward lesbian couples in stories going through conflict and symbolic death - one cannot have the power of rebirth unless the narrative can go to those more negative places. And without that kind of symbolic power a narrative is just pixels on a screen or words on a page; it cannot reach us the same way, it cannot speak directly to where we live (and die and are reborn) in our loving and living.

I'd argue that, as a platonic narrative, s2 had symbolic death and the experience of rebirth and overcoming for Lan and Moiraine as a platonic partnership and as individuals. Again, as I mentioned elsewhere, I think it's being done earlier because later drama will focus more on their respective romances. Setting up the low point for Siuan and Moiraine at the same time and then resolving it in s3 could work nicely. The writers could take things another direction, but they've earned a fair amount of trust from me so far, so I am reasonably confident it will be good and follow rules of how to make narratives emotionally hit for an audience.

#siuanraine #moiraine x siuan #wheel of time #the wheel of time #wot meta #my meta #long post

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ohnominamino · 4 years ago

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An Essay on Love in Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time

Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time is a movie about love in all its forms. From the love of family, friends, and neighbors, to the compassion we feel for people we have never met. The movie reminds us that love is something we continuously gain, lose, and choose, again and again. Which love is greatest? In my opinion, the answer to that question is left up to interpretation. In this essay, I will give my own personal interpretation on certain character interactions and what I believe we are meant to take away from their Rebuild portrayals.

The character I will start with is one I’ve noticed the most outrage over from people who haven’t seen the movie and read out-of-context spoilers: Kaworu Nagisa.

Kaworu is a beloved character among many Evangelion fans, especially those who are members of the LGBT+ community. He is a canonical love interest of Shinji Ikari and I want to reassure people that this final movie does not change that fact. However, it does not make the couple blatantly endgame either. This skirting around the couple might make some fans upset, and while their feelings are completely valid, I do not think they fully understand the difficulties faced by LGBT+ people in Japan, nor do they understand the way that romance is typically conveyed in Japanese storytelling. (I recommend watching “Is ‘Yuri On Ice’ Good Gay Representation?” by James Somerton for more about storytelling nuances.)

What have we been shown about Shinji and Kaworu’s love? The good news is, anything you read into the original TV series and End of Evangelion is completely true for the Rebuilds— because Kaworu is the same Kaworu. This movie proves Evangelion is a single universe set on repeat, and that Kaworu and Shinji meet each other every loop, and in each, Kaworu is trying to make Shinji happy. Within the final movie, Shinji becomes aware of the loops and chooses to break the cycle and free Kaworu from his pain.

What does the relationship between Shinji and Kaworu teach us? I believe the purpose of their love is to show the audience that first, in the words of Kaji, “love has no gender.” Second, I believe Kaworu’s love in particular is a warning about basing your own happiness solely upon another person. There are parallels drawn between Gendo/Yui and Kaworu/Shinji. Gendo could not exist without Yui, and so he was willing to destroy the world to be reunited with her. For Kaworu, it was not the destruction of humanity, but the destruction of himself that defined his tragedy. What’s important within the final movie, in my opinion, is that Shinji does not reject Kaworu’s love. With the insight he’s gained from remembering past loops, he sees Kaworu’s love and appreciates him, but he also sees his suffering and wants to ease it. He helps Kaworu into a new world where he can seek his own happiness and find balance in his life (something his father did not have).

While Kaworu and Shinji are not seen as an explicit couple at the end of the movie, it’s significant to note that, when he sets Kaworu free, Shinji holds out his hand to Kaworu as a promise to stay together. Over the course of the movie, Shinji comes to accept his connection to others through accepting touch (in the form of hand holding and hugs from Rei, Misato, and Gendo); however, Kaworu is the only character in the movie who Shinji initiates physical contact with and that speaks to how much Kaworu means to him. This simple gesture, in my opinion, keeps the door open for Kaworu and Shinji to be a couple one day, after Kaworu has found more balance in his life.

If I were to write an entire essay about Kaworu, it would be titled, “Out of the Coffin: How the Resurrection of Kaworu Nagisa Buries the Tragic Lovers Trope” because this movie truly does just that.

Another potential love interest for Shinji for many years was Asuka; however, unlike with Kaworu, the nature of this relationship is not left up to interpretation by the end of the movie. Before her big final battle, Asuka tells Shinji, “I think I loved you back then” (regarding their time in middle school) and Shinji, during Instrumentality, tells Asuka, “Thank you for saying you loved me. I loved you too.” It is past tense.

What does this relationship teach us? It’s a beautiful way of showing that we can love people, and grow and learn, and let go when we no longer fit each other. Letting go is an integral part of life. Whereas other Instrumentality scenes involve touch, Asuka’s, mirroring the ending of End of Evangelion, has a distinct lack of touch. Shinji sits with his arms around his knees and Asuka turns her body away from him. He gives her his thanks and he sends her off to find her peace. Asuka and Shinji teach us that it’s okay to grow out of relationships. You can appreciate what they were to you at the time they happened and move on.

What about Rei? To be honest with you, this movie is less about Rei’s relationship with Shinji, and more about her relationship with the world. Rei teaches movie viewers about the simple pleasures of living. While Shinji is in mourning for the first quarter of the movie, Rei (as “Sokkuri”) is learning about crop growing and community, the wonder of babies and kittens, the joy of the bath after a long day of fruitful work, and the power of words and picture books. At the end of her life, she only regrets not having more time to spend with the people she loves. In Instrumentality, Shinji accepts her hand when it is offered to him, which I hope signifies he is ready to see life as she had come to during the final movie.

Rei teaches us that we can love living and to not take our limited time for granted.

Next, we move on to parent figures: Gendo and Misato. I think they both represent people ill suited to the role, who do the best they can despite it. Gendo, as mentioned for Kaworu above, is a warning about defining yourself by your relationship to another person (Ikari, afterall, is Yui’s name). He is also a lesson in how people mourn and how they can lash out. Misato, like Gendo, felt herself a poor parent, and while mourning the loss of Kaji, she gave up her child to be raised by other people, but, unlike Gendo, went forward to put all her energy into protecting humanity. Both of them reach out to hug Shinji within the movie and he accepts them where they are.

While I wouldn’t say the movie shows that Shinji forgives Gendo, it does show his making an effort to understand and make peace with what others have done. For Misato, it is fair to say we can still hope for a better future, even when it feels like everything is crumbling around us. Her self-sacrificing love for her son and the whole of humanity is what enables Shinji to then save the people he loves (via the spear of Gaius).

In the movie, we are also shown friendship. Touji, Hikari, and Kensuke are important members of their community who maintain open communication with those around them and respect others’ boundaries. They are patient and kind and represent the importance of being present. They teach us to meet people where they are and support them how we can, whether it’s giving them a warm meal or giving them space when they need it.

There are many more characters that could be talked about, but today I am going to end on Mari. Mari’s love is physical. She enjoys being in people’s personal bubbles. She cuddles Asuka and helps trim her hair, she gets into Gendo’s space at college, and at the end of the movie, she reaches out her hand to Shinji to help him stand up from his seat. Upon first glance, some viewers might take Mari and Shinji’s final scene to be romantic, but the reality of it is this: We do not, and cannot, know what kind of love she is meant to represent in his life.

We do not know Mari’s relationship with Shinji because they hardly interact in the movie. She clearly cares about him, but in my opinion, it comes from a place of duty and compassion— Mari was friends with Gendo and Yui. She has been there since he was born. (If we take the manga to be canon, then Mari even had romantic feelings towards his mother. Her hairstyle and glasses are from Yui. At the end of the movie, Mari has changed her hairstyle, which to me implies she has moved on, and “getting” with Shinji would be a thematic break.)

Additionally, their conversation, while flirty, is very much one that implies they haven’t seen each other for a while. Mari is someone who is very physically affectionate. With everyone. If someone ignores that and focuses on the fact she gets into Shinji’s space and claims that’s romantic, they better acknowledge it’s possibly romantic with Asuka, who we see far more intimacy with. When Mari flirts, Shinji flirts back and her initial reaction is surprise, “Wow, you’ve learned to talk back!” Her purpose is clear. She is there to remove the DSS choker from his neck.

Personally, I love that Mari is the one to close the movie, for the exact reason that we do not know her relationship with Shinji. For Mari to have an assigned role would be to say, “This kind of love is most important,” when the entire movie was spent showing us each love is of equal importance in the balance and building of our lives. (It’s wonderful to see those types of love embodied across the platform from Shinji at the end of the movie: Rei and Kaworu, who, just like in End of Evangelion, could signify the ability to connect with others and be loved.)

If you view Mari as a romantic love interest, then I think it speaks to the value that you as an individual give to romance rather than what the characters themselves are feeling. To me, Mari, the character who was created to “destroy Eva,” is a symbol of all love. When Shinji takes her offered hand and then pulls her to run into the new world, it’s a symbol of balance. The give and take of any kind of relationship.

We are the product of every relationship we have ever had, from our parents to the people we once loved, from our friendships to any other person we want to stay connected to. Evangelion: 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time is a story about these relationships. It is a story about love.

#rebuild of evangelion #kaworu nagisa #shinji ikari #asuka shikinami #mari makinami #rei ayanami #misato katsuragi #gendo ikari #thrice upon a time #kawoshin #essay #movie review #shinkawo

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lilly-onthevalley · 3 years ago

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My Midnight Thoughts ✨

Sometimes I think of how huge and complex the world is. Sometime ago when I had bad b god-complex persona, I never stopped to think about other people, but ever since I shed that mentality I've enjoyed life more. I enjoy my personal relationships a lot more. I love the people around me because I recognize that my life is probably as complex as theirs. What I enjoy most is how as a collective we share our complexities with each other in communication. When you ask someone a question they will give you a response which is based of off the things they have absorbed over their life time. I appreciate conversations a lot more as to me it's someone opening up a small part of the story of their whole life to me.

Along with my god complex I used to be mercilessly manipulative in ways that honestly didn't even make sense because even though I thought I was closest thing God I somehow still thought I needed to try hard to get attention from others, which is kind of ironic 😂 It was unnecessary stress and anxiety because of a self defensive delusion but that's the beauty of transformation, I guess, you never know that something isn't for you until you live in it.

In my own experience I realise that life is in fact a bit better when you focus on yourself and the people around you. I don't believe in the mindset of being rude, hot and isolated when it's not needed anymore.

I now enjoy things like wearing perfume for myself as well as the fact I know it'll possibly brighten the mood of a random stranger passing by me.

After pondering on the fact everybody's life is as complex as mine my ab ovo seemed to vanish as well. ( 'Ab ovo" means "from the beginning". An ab ovo mindset is one where a person believes they are the beginning of the universe, the reason why the 7 billion people in the world exist is essentially because they graced the earth on their day of birth, it's crazy, I know 🤪)

My new mindset also ties into the theme of gratefulness, I used to hate the mindset of being grateful before because I thought cause I never asked anyone to give anything to me there is no reason why should I be grateful, it's their problem not mine. Thankfully I let that go. I was talking to my family about it before, about the fact that we are living more comfortably than let's say 200 years ago because of the ideas of the people before us. The cotton filled couch, the LED screen TV, even your plumbing system all started as ideas which were shared by their creators because they thought about making life more enjoyable and easy for others was important.

My theory is basically that I think a hateful, gatekeepy, self absorbed attitude stunts your growth as a human and gives you an imaginary idea that you are "winning" yet deep inside you are fulfilling a reaction caused by your own traumas and illness.

I also came into a lot of these ideas through research on the Human after all album by Daft Punk as well as spending nights translating their french interviews to English 😂 Thomas talked about how they didn't necessarily want fame for their appearance (thus their brand of wearing helmets) but instead created music through principals and with the intention to create timeless happiness with their music and create optimism in a world that's slowly romantizing the idea of pessimism. There are so many more insightful and thought provoking points brought up by Thomas in the interviews but that's for another day.

That's it, so I want to make a series of my thoughts since I think too much and I might as well make something from it and sharpen my writing skills in the process of hopefully making other people think and hopefully find solutions in my words😂

Here's a little mood board on the topics I talked about

💗

#self care #mindset #my thoughts #me #moodboard #mood #mood board #self #self love #ego #daft punk #human after all

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dreamfisher-here · 4 years ago

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Queer Subtext in The Illusion of Living - Part 5/5

It’s time to address the elephant in the room: Henry.

Joey tries very, very hard to ‘no homo’ his relationship with the man:

“His presence was helpful, I can happily admit, but his absence was even more so. Not having him at the studio ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to it. Of course, the funny thing is, I couldn't have not had him without having him in the first place. Just like you can't appreciate the light if you haven't spent time in the dark, so too does a person's absence become clear only if he has been around.” TIOL, page 154

“A letter from Henry. You might not think I'd keep such a thing, but I do. I have no ill will toward the man as you know. Him leaving, as I said, was the best thing that could have happened to the studio. His letter reminds me of that.” TIOL, page 218

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

The only hint we get regarding Joey’s true feelings for Henry is the following note by Nathan:

“NateA: Joey has always been a professional person, far more so in many ways than me. That is why this section of the book is so forgiving of the man who abandoned the studio he helped create. Joey can't help but see the good in people. That being said, as a good friend of Joey's, I know that Henry's departure was a great upheaval for him and a great personal betrayal. Joey never truly forgave Henry, and I don't think he should have felt obligated to. The fact that Joey is so gracious in this part of the book is a reflection of his incredible generosity in allowing Henry Stein to be stainless in the eyes of history. I think, had he lived longer, Joey might have in later years called it his greatest illusion.” TIOL, page 155

I’m very surprised by the harshness in Nathan’s tone here. Especially since Henry appears to believe that he and Joey have parted on good terms, and Joey admits that they have continued to exchange letters for a while after Henry’s departure. We’ve also seen Henry’s note to Joey in the game, and it comes across as warm and supportive:

It really doesn’t sound like anything ugly happened between him and Joey. So then why are both Joey and Nathan convinced that Henry is a monster?

While I can believe that Joey is pathetic enough to consider anyone who slights him his worst enemy, Nathan comes across as a more level-headed person. So for him to voice his approval for Joey’s petty grudge must mean that he knows something that we don’t. But what could it be?

Honestly, nothing else comes to mind except for romantic heartbreak. It’s the only thing that could justify a man holding such a deep grudge for so many years. This isn’t Joey’s first friendship that grew apart over the years - his army friends have moved on with their life as well. It’s a normal part of life and there’s nothing in TIOL that would suggest Joey is unable to cope with that. We also know that the studio did fine for quite some time after Henry’s departure, so it’s not like Henry left Joey deep in debt. Henry wasn’t even the only animator at the studio:

“When the studio opened I surrounded him with artists of all skill levels, and the Writing Department had its own de facto leader in Mr. Hemmings, and so the whole of Creative was well managed for that first year of the company before I had to part ways with Henry.“ TIOL, page 155

And so we’re left with only one rational explanation: that Joey isn’t so much hurt by Henry leaving his job, as by the fact that Henry left specifically for the sake of his marriage.

Try as I might, I found no reference to Linda in TIOL. Even though Joey claims to have been friends with Henry for many years, he makes zero mention of ever having met Linda. While there are some hints that Henry wasn’t yet married to her at the time when he and Joey opened the studio together (such as the fact that he claims he hasn’t seen her in “days” even though he presumably slept at home, implying that he and Linda weren’t living together at the time. A shopping list among his notes in the Handbook also suggests that he cooked his own meals, which would be unusual for a married man with a demanding job), the two were already a couple by then, and must have known each other for a while already. Surely, as Henry’s friend, Joey would have met her?

Even when talking about Henry leaving, Joey uses a cryptic language:

“Henry left for his own reasons, and the correspondence between us became less and less. To be honest, it was almost like a weight off when he left. He had grown more sensitive as the studio became more successful and giving him pep talks had become exhausting for me. All the good qualities he brought, the hard work and diligence, were being undermined by a restless need for something different. Something that wasn't Bendy. I will never understand that drive. Bendy was and is perfection.“ TIOL, page 177

In DCTL Norman claims that Henry left to spend time with his wife. Why doesn’t Joey say that? It doesn’t make him look bad to admit that an employee left to enjoy a quiet family life. It’s almost like he refuses to acknowledge Linda’s existence at all. Like it’s too painful for him to speak of her.

Perhaps the “personal betrayal” that Nathan is referring to is related to Henry choosing a real family, over the “studio family”, and the possibility of having a real child, as opposed to a fictional one?

The symbolic image of Bendy as a child shows up multiple times in the game: for example the drawing from Henry appears to depict Bendy, Alice and Boris as a happy family, with Bendy holding onto their hands like a child would:

There’s also Alice using a womb imagery to describe the ink machine:

And of course, the final monologue is centered on Henry’s choice to pursue a family:

That monologue is very interesting if we assume Joey to be gay. Because a gay man would never have been able to follow Henry’s road. Gay!Joey could never choose to have a real family with a man he loved, because that option was denied to him by the homophobic society he was living in. The studio is the closest thing to a family that gay!Joey could ever hope to have.

And evidently, that was not enough for Henry.

If Joey’s indeed gay, that must have felt incredibly unfair to him - knowing that he had no chance of happiness in marital bliss from the start, through no fault of his own. This would explain his desire to create a real, living, breathing Bendy, no matter the cost, just to prove to Henry that Joey’s “child” can be just as real as the one Linda could give him.

“Bendy was Joey's child, and he felt just as strongly about Bendy as I feel about my flesh-and-blood son.“ TIOL, page 2

This idea of an illusory choice very much resembles the choice between the Angel Path and the Devil Path in Chapter 3. It’s the only choice that Henry ever gets to make in the game, yet no matter which way he chooses, he still ends up in the same corridor. Some of the golden messages highlight his helplessness:

The symbolic meaning of the choice between the Angel and the Devil also shows up TIOL. There’s a scene in the book, where Joey writes a play about an Angel and a Devil fighting over the soul of a human man. Eventually, the Devil confesses that he doesn’t want the human to make his choice, because then one of them would have to leave. The play was supposed to end with the man making his choice, but according to Joey they lacked a third actor, so the ending was never played out.

I believe that the play is symbolic of the relationship between Henry and Joey, specifically with regards to Henry choosing a relationship with Linda over his friendship with Joey.

There are several reasons that lead me to believe this:

The human in the play making a choice between the Angel and the Devil is reminiscent of Henry choosing between Devil Path and Angel path in BATIM.

The play highlights that the Devil is on the left side of the human, while the Angel is on his right side:

“ANGEL: Spending my time with a devil has been an enlightening experience. Working with you over these years with you sitting on that left shoulder, so far and yet so near, all our debates, they were invigorating for the spirit.

DEVIL: I won't miss you! Fighting all the time, trying to trick you into agreeing with me, trying to push you off that right shoulder of yours. The violence and the anger. I won't miss it at all!”, TIOL page 89

Much like the Devil Path is on the left side in the game, while the Angel path is on the right side:

The Devil is obviously a stand-in for Bendy. Joey even dances on the stage at one point, and one of Bendy’s nicknames is “The Dancing Demon”. Joey also claims that the Devil from the play was an inspiration for Bendy:

“Let's start with the basic idea of a cartoon.You need a main character. Someone who has adventures and who the audience relates to." I did. I needed that. I needed a character who didn't just reflect the general population back to itself, but a more exciting version. I had no interest in moralizing, besides I didn't think moralizing was particularly realistic. People don't see the world as one populated by do-gooders. I thought of the angel in my play. She could never be a lead character. The devil on the other hand…” TIOL, 165

The fact that Joey claims the ending was never played out is strongly reminiscent of the missing ending of the Tombstone Picnic

It’s possible that Joey is lying about the ending not having been played out, to hide Henry’s role in the success of the play, much like he removed his part in Tombstone Picnic. After all, what would be the point of writing a play for 3 actors, when you only have 2? Why not ask someone to play the 3rd?

Although the play itself is centered more on the relationship between the Devil and the Angel, rather than their relationship with the human, there is still a strong queer symbolism in the play:

“Abby shifted nervously next to me the whole evening. She was in a dress for the first time in a long time, white and soft. I was pleased she'd come in character. For my part the only red thing I owned was a garish bow tie, so that was all I was able to contribute visually.” TIOL, page 82

The angel is played by a woman, who usually wears men’s clothing, but of course, the Angel being a symbol of Christian values couldn’t possibly be portrayed breaking the gender norms. She had to wear a dress, though Abby is clearly uncomfortable in it. She’s essentially performing heteronormative feminity. Next to her we have Joey as the Devil, dressed in a red bow tie, which as I’ve mentioned in the first part of this analysis, used to be a symbol of homosexuality.

This contrast between the uncomfortably heteronormative Angel and flamboyantly queer Devil is striking. It’s also very much in line with the views of the society in the 1920s. For something to be the symbol of purity and goodness, it has to be heterosexual, and the Devil is queer, because he’s also the symbol of sin.

That symbolism could be indicative of Joey’s own internalized homophobia. Back in his army days, his friends used to bully him for breaking gender norms. Joey likes to present himself as the hero, who was easily able to outsmart the bullies, but many of his later remarks in the book and in DCTL show that some of that attitude has left a deep mark on him.

The symbolism could also be intentional. Joey boasts about having personal ties to Noel Coward, a real life gay playwright, who was known for his many affairs with men, and for putting an ungodly amount of queer symbolism in his works:

“The old woman took a liking to me, and she was nice enough. Besides, her connections were incredible. She knew everyone, she even had the playwright Noel Coward come to stay with her whenever he was in town.” TIOL, page 144

There’s a lot of evidence pointing to the play being symbolic of Henry’s choice between his relationship with Linda and with Joey. But it’s also symbolic of Henry’s choice between Bendy, and a real child. The studio family, and a traditional family. Heteronormative relationship vs a queer relationship.

Although there’s no indication in canon that Henry might be bisexual, he doesn’t need to be. The game has beaten into our heads that the “choice” is an illusion. Henry was never going to choose the Devil, or at least that’s what Joey believes. Although we’re never told what choice the human in the play was going to make, we’re told that he was supposed to be dressed in white, which suggests that he chose the Angel.

“(The door stage right opens. A man all in white enters calmly and chooses a seat, brushes it off carefully and sits. He takes his hat off and holds it gingerly in his lap.) (Quiet.) (Curtain.) THE END” TIOL, page 91

That might be why the Devil in the play confesses that he doesn’t want the human to make his choice, fearing that one of them will have to leave once such a choice is made:

“DEVIL: You think he has made a choice?

ANGEL: It is possible.

DEVIL: Do you think he might be all bad?

ANGEL: I hope he is all good.

DEVIL: If he is all bad, my job here is done. If he is all good, you can go home.

DEVIL: Strange. If we win we also lose. You would think that would be something I would find delightful.

ANGEL: You would think I would love to make such a personal sacrifice.” TIOL, page 89

The line about a “personal sacrifice” is very interesting in this context. The Angel and the Devil clearly care for each other and for the human, and don’t want their relationship to come to an end. Though the Devil in the play seems to make gestures that the audience interprets as romantic in nature, Joey insists that it isn’t the case:

“I leaned in and placed a hand on Abby's knee. There was a gasp from someone in the audience, but I knew Abby wouldn't be flustered by it. That wasn't the nature of our relationship.” TIOL, page 89

It makes me wonder if perhaps Linda and Joey used to be friends at some point, and both competed over Henry’s attention.

There’s a much overused trope in fiction where two men compete over a woman, which ends up ruining their friendship. It would be really interesting and subversive to see a man and a woman competing over a man instead.

EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot to add this part:

"Joey, thanks for coming," said Henry, approaching from behind us. I turned to look at him He had dressed up for the event but every item of clothing looked slightly wrong. The sleeves of his shirt a bit short, his vest a bit long, his tie askew. He smiled, though, with such confidence that I couldn't help admire him. I still do.” TIOL, page 160

Joey fell for Henry’s smile, how romantic!

“We watched in silence as he worked. Despite his lack of genius, to this day, I will always say that watching Henry work was a real pleasure.“ TIOL, page 173

“It's fascinating. Henry was never the showman like I was. He didn't tend to be easily remembered by those who met him when we did business. I was invariably the face of the company, the one introduced first at a gala, the one to whom people slipped their business cards.Yet in the end he ended up setting up camp in this small corner of my memory. I can't deny that he is tied to the creation of Bendy, to the creation of the studio itself. That at one time, in one small apartment, one too warm evening, we had shaken hands. That once upon a time we had been partners. He'll always be there, in the dark recesses of my mind. Always linked to me that way. Funny how the forgettable man is now forever in my mind” TIOL, page 177

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #batim #bendy: the illusion of living #joey drew #Henry Stein #Linda Stein #dreamfisher certified #nathan arch

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kaisa-ryo · 4 years ago

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Satoru Gojo NSFW Alphabet

Warning: English isn't my native language!

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*

A = Aftercare (What he likes after sex)

With slow movements, stroke your back with your large palms. Gently fingering your hair and mumbling something about your uniqueness. Then he will pause and move on to deeper caresses. Goose bumps will cover your whole body, and your heart will pound madly, which will cause an involuntary smile from Gojo. Let it be some strange mantric nonsense, a mysterious spell, with the help of which you can finally hide from everyone around you.

How rarely do you experience such a feeling of security, while the beloved man experiences an equally rare feeling - the love of the closest person, which gives him confidence for the whole day.

B = Body part (His favorite body part)

Chest.

At least because he considers her an integral part of the female body. And if you have it of impressive size - expect especially great attention to them. Namely licking, biting, scarlet sucking, spanking ... But don't think that this will only happen with big breasts. Medium or small, too, will not be left without affection. Seen from the outside, most of them may seem like feminine signs that complement orientation and are able to give relationships with a man such inner harmony that will make them extremely desirable.

The first place on your body where he will leave marks is your chest.

C = Cum (Everything about sperm)

Inside.

He loathes condoms, for which you constantly sulk at him, because you have to take birth control pills, and this, by the way, is not very pleasant. And in general, obeying the rules is not his forte. Therefore, he is firmly convinced that he possesses the mysterious art of doing what is beneficial to him alone.

D = Dirty secret

Not to say that it can be safely called a "dirty secret", but he has thoughts of selling you into sexual slavery to himself. Such thoughts first appeared in him when he realized that with your charm you were making him ill and, in a sense, making him weaker. And what an unpleasant humiliation for him, when the ideal woman of his fantasies suddenly appears out of nowhere and by her very existence spoils all his megalomania. To tell you the truth, this fact even turns him on a little. Based on this, he came to the conclusion that he will subdue you completely and completely with the help of sexual slavery.

Is it strange? Depends on how much you go crazy over him.

E = Experience

Gojo himself considers this question to be slightly incorrect. For example, if he had fucked other women before you, then you cannot say for sure that in those moments he definitely knew what to do. And if he hasn’t "shoved" anyone before you, it will always be possible to gain experience from a variety of sources of the vast networked web.

But if we talk about it, then in such cases he is helped by confidence and high self-esteem. Which gives him a considerable advantage in the field of sexual relations.

F = Favorite position

Opening.

When you swing your leg over his shoulder, and he continuously pushes, biting and licking the inner thigh. This action drives you crazy, and you are ready to beg him not to stop. When he reaches orgasm, you scream, and he squeezes you in his arms, showered you with kisses and pushes his excited flesh into your vagina, while he himself shakes with laughter. You know that this obscene act brings him such pleasure that he cannot stop. You cling to it with all your might, as if hoping that it will not stop and you will be able to reach the highest point of bliss. Therefore, it is so important for him to control the lower part of your body.

G = Goofy (Are you serious at this moment?)

Not at all.

In a sense, for him, this is nothing more than entertainment. But it also happens that he, fascinated by your alluring body, smell, look, goes crazy. And then anything can happen.

H = Hair (Is the hair ok?)

Not.

Once you asked him to put things in order at least once, after that you realized that it was useless, because instead of answering, he just laughed loudly.

I = Intimacy (Romance)

Yes, sometimes.

Even despite the fact that he does not treat women as much as, for example, Nanami, he considers his passion an exception, although, perhaps, not in all cases. He is pleased that he is considered some kind of incomprehensible male - “this is not even a man, but such a little dummy who thinks of nothing but sweets” - and this is a compliment for him. The most important thing is that you like to feel your exclusivity.

In his opinion, he considers the most romantic moment for you when he looks you in the eye. Well, of course, he is so tall and also with eyes, in which the whole universe seems to fit. Therefore, in order to impress you once again, he takes off the blindfold, looks into your eyes and says something very pleasant about you in a bewitching voice. And at the moment when you already lose the power of speech from this - bends down and kisses on the lips. He knows perfectly well that you will not resist one hundred percent before such.

J = Jack off (masturbation)

Never. Seriously, never.

He will not humiliate himself so much in front of himself, but in front of you ... there is even nothing to answer.

— I have never done this before... I will appreciate it if you teach me! — said Gojo, smiling broadly and spreading his arms to the sides.

— Quite a fool or what?..

— Oh? So can you show me how it's done? The man asked with a sad and obviously feigned expression on his face.

— Why don't you start doing it at all? What's so sexy about that?

In other words, he does not need this, because for such cases he always has you.

K = Kink (Kinks and fetishes)

Light BDSM elements such as bondage, gags, collars ... especially the black blindfold. He just goes crazy when he sees you with her. It seems that you imitate him, ready for all dirty manipulations, just to become like him. Heck.

After such a night, he will repeatedly hint that he really liked your yesterday's image. It is unlikely that you want to again fall for his next trick to trick you with various perversions. Not to mention, he'll drag you into bed anyway. You have no options, baby.

L = Location (Favorite places to have sex)

Prefers on the bed. He's not so much a fan of public places or hiding places. But if we talk about the audience ... he loves to play with your pussy with his fingers, so that you feel awkward and uncomfortable all the way home. But it's worth your wet panties.

M = Motivation

When you say how you want it at the most unexpected moment. Yes, yes, at least in the same audience. For him, this is the most exciting thing that can be with him. He had already checked everything before, no doubt. And such a mess in his thoughts, it’s just not clear why he should fight the curse when he can take you right here? Someday he will do so, believe me.

N = No (Which won't do)

Something for which you will not want to see him for a long time.

He may never show such an emotion as longing, but he certainly does. Just at such moments. When he comes to apologize to you, he will hide it again. According to many men in the world, girls do not take offense for long. True for Gojo, these words seem to be a lie, because you have been ignoring and abstracting from him for the third week. He thinks that this is natural, because he considers you not like everyone else. But it only makes my soul worse. Maybe he really was so guilty? Then it's really monstrous. Why hadn't he thought about it before? But anyone knows that it's his ego. It was then that he realizes that even the strongest make mistakes.

O = Oral (Likes to receive or to give)

Get. Do you know what his trick is? He always tries to give you as much as possible, so that in a fit of excitement you give him twice, because giving pleasure to you does not tire him at all! It's like swinging, only you don't understand that you are giving him not yourself, but your body, and you give it to him at that moment when you still don't know that you are giving him and yourself. You don't even notice it. So it gives him a huge plus. Not a bad bonus for you.

P = Pace

In this regard, variations take over. He even has his own trick - to scroll the first song that comes to mind and adjust to its rhythm. And oh God, such harmless stupidity does such amazing things... (!)

Q = Quickie

Also not unambiguous.

From the very beginning, it's kind of like very slow introductions, specifically for you to beg him to speed up. Stretching on a sense of anticipation that creeps through you. Satoru will maintain a slow pace until he moves his hips on his own to match his movements. And only then it will gradually pick up the desired speed.

R = Risk (Ready to experiment)

Anytime, just ask!

He himself does not mind trying something new, but only when you are completely sure that sex will be successful. Otherwise it will be awkward and unpleasant. While these are experiments after all, anything can go wrong. And it's one thing when you really think about the consequences, it's another thing when you have no doubt that as a result of "new" sex there will be a lot of pleasant sensations. But if you don't try, you won't know, right?

You also urge Satoru to be taken seriously and responsibly. By the way, an interesting fact — he ignores words about responsibility, but at the same time, in some magical way, everything goes perfectly. Well, in that case, you are lucky with a man, congratulations.

S = Stamina (Stamina)

Always adjusts to you.

He cannot enjoy the process if you are already exhausted just lying on the bed and trying to grab at least some notes of ecstasy. Perhaps this theory seems primitive, but Gojo believes that any sexual intercourse is nothing more than a change in posture, the purpose of which is to make intimacy pleasant. After all, it is also part of a complex whole in which body and mind harmoniously merge. Certainly not an indicator of sensitivity, as one might expect, but also not one's own narcissism.

T = Toys

Not an ardent fan, but there is some interest, and a very big one.

If he is out shopping and stumbles upon a "sex shop", prepare for the fact that he will bring everything that was there to your home and some strange enlightenment session will begin, because you did not even know about the existence of many toys.

— This one? Maybe this one? Or is it this one? Look how interesting!

— Gojo ... did you seriously empty the entire store just to show it to me?..

— The opinion of my beloved woman is much more important for me than the schedule for the import of new goods into the store.

— Why does it seem to me that you are laughing at me?

U = Unfair (Does he like to tease)

Yes! Yes! And yes again!

As mentioned earlier, he likes it when you beg him to speed up. But what if he stops altogether? Or maybe pull the cock out of your slit? There will be no limit to your charming whine! As soon as he does this, you try to put yourself on the penis on your own, while he, grinning, does not let you do it. As a reward, he sticks the head into your hole and again starts hammering like crazy into your hole.

V = Volume (How loud is it)

The only sounds he makes are short chuckles. They serve as a sign that he likes your movements, actions and moans. Sometimes he allows himself to snort. This is also a kind of signal - he experiences excitement from the same movements ... actions... moans... oh...

W = Wild card (Random headcanon)

Once you had such a case that after he finished, you immediately lost consciousness. And when she woke up, she decided that she had already died. You told about this to Sator, sitting next to you, who burst into loud laughter. He told how you passed out right at the end of sex, explaining that the blame for everything is his magnificence, just the same, leading to a swoon.

* In fact, for three minutes he could not understand what was happening and for an hour he tried to bring you to consciousness. And you lost it not because of its magnificence, but because of its multi-orgasm. As a result of this incident, the man did not do this with you for a while, as it was a little awkward. At that moment, the thought crossed his mind that he really killed you. And he still cannot forget it, although he has long ago got rid of such ridiculous thoughts associated with you and your fragile body.

X = X-ray (What's under the clothes)

19.5 cm, during erection ± 2

Y = Yearning (How high is the sex drive)

A serene magician never looks for a reason to do this with you. Only if you don't want it yourself. Sometimes it happens - completely on your initiative, and sometimes he independently makes you want it. This Devil with a bandage seems to see all your weaknesses from the most obvious, to the most secret and intimate: whispering in your ear, changing the timbre in his voice to a lower touch of his hands that slightly tickle your face ... He has a lot of ways to make you want what no matter how he spoke.

Therefore, to be honest - 7/10

Z = Zzz (How quickly falls asleep)

Are you sure he ever sleeps at all?

The most recurring case is when he watches you for a long time until he is sure that you are definitely asleep. Following, he will kiss you somewhere in the area of the ear and go about his business.

But if we consider a rare case, then everything will turn out the other way around: it will wait for you to wake up to ask how you slept. The perfect moment to be alone with him without any obligation.

#jjk imagines #jjk x you #jjk x y/n #jjk #jjk satoru #satorugojo #jujutsu kaisen x reader #satoru gojō x reader

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spelviin · 4 years ago

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i’m a romantic sap at heart so like i’m more or less down for love at first sight shit but in terms of what we now know about the oak-garcia meet cute, i’m just not suuuper vibing with the concept of henry imprinting like a goddamn baby duck on the first face he sees that doesn’t look like his. so, as an alternative to All That, please consider some

~☆~☆~drawn-out mutual pining ~☆~☆~

mercedes finds this half-dead dirty amnesiac in the woods and yeah sure maybe is like “dibs” at first

sits at his bedside for 2 weeks while he’s comatose because as hard as she’s looked for like, missing persons reports or whatever it just seems like nobody’s looking for this dude and she doesn’t want him to wake up alone

except then he wakes up and it turns out, whoops, dude’s memory has more holes than whatever the vegan equivalent of swiss cheese is, and he doesn’t know shit about his own background or like, existing in the modern world at all

this.... complicates things

mercedes takes it like a champ, obviously, and pushes all romantic notions aside as she helps henry get back on his feet after getting discharged from the hospital

and seriously how the fuck did they even manage that? dude has no insurance, no SSN, no ID of any kind, how and when did they manage to get all that shit sorted out?? we just dont know.

anyways, despite her best efforts, her feelings don’t go away. and to make matters more complicated, said feelings seem to be very much reciprocated by henry

but she still feels weird about it? and so does he, because like. at the end of the day, no matter how much they like each other, fact is, she’s literally the only fucking person he knows. period. maybe she introduces him to pablo and bin bin or smth, but even then, it’s like. she can’t be his saviour and his life coach and best and only friend and girlfriend on top of all that. it would feel like taking advantage, and it doesn’t sit right with either of them, especially mercedes.

so she takes it upon herself to withdraw. makes sure he’s set up with a place to live and a way to get by, and leaves his life for a while. close enough that he can call her if he needs anything, but far enough to give him space.

and they spend some time apart. mercedes goes back to her normal routine, missing this sudden addition to her life like a phantom limb, but utterly unwilling to call him because she doesn’t want to take advantage

and henry starts to build his life. navigates this world that feels so strange, gets a job, a GED, gets beanie to keep him company, throws himself into 80s/90s videogames in an ill-fated attempt to jog some memories.

he’s getting by, and he’s developing a personality and identity of his own, one that belongs solely to him, for literally the first time in his life (though he doesn’t know it). and the freedom feels like a breath of fresh air, but at the same time...

he misses mercedes. even though he’s getting out there, maybe even seeing other people, he still misses her. but he won’t call her, because she withdrew so hard he just assumes she doesn’t feel the same way about him and was trying to let him down easy.

so they’re both pining for a while, and then it gets a bit easier as they both move on with their lives. and months pass, maybe even a few years (timelines can be wonky with this podcast who the fuck knows)

and then they cross paths again, purely by coincidence. and they catch up. and they find that that spark is still there.

but even better now, because now they’re on a level playing field, and can really fully appreciate each other as people

he’s no longer the traumatized, blank slate of a man she found with no idea who he was or where he was from. now he’s henry oak, he loves geology and nature and rap and veganism and he has a pet bird and a group of friends and a life and identity he’s built for himself

and she’s no longer this perfect angel who saved him from certain death or his only touchstone or connection to the world around him. she’s mercedes garcia, she’s a radio broadcasting intern who’s tired all the fucking time because she’s working the graveyard shift at the station but she powers through it because it’s her passion. and she has her books and her witchy feminist sewing club thing and an entire IDENTITY outside of just being his goddamned caretaker/life coach

and the rest is history. they fall in love as equals with fully-formed autonomous identities, and they stay together not because they can’t live without each other, but because they have lived without each other and just prefer not to.

and they build their relationship on a foundation of pure, 100% honesty with each other because the initial miscommunication and mutual pining, while probably healthy in the long run, still fucking sucked and they promise never to put each other through that again, even unintentionally

and anyways yeah that’s pretty much the post this isn’t really going anywhere i just have a lot of Feelings about these two ok thank you for coming to my ted talk

#og #dndads #oak-garcia #is this even a tag? who knows #it deserves to be tho #we stan these bi disasters forever tbh

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lizacstuff · 3 years ago

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SCK episode 46 asks!

Hi folks, below the read more you'll find a smattering of asks about this week's episode as well as a few spoilers for 47.

Good asks this week:

(under the cut)

Anonymous asked: this may be superficial of me, but why are they dressing Serkan in such ugly tops? they finally brought Eda's hair back but now this

BWAH! You're not wrong. You know what I'm wondering, if they've put him in some of those outfits because they are showing his suburban dad side? It's kind of a subtle nod to him embracing father hood and a different way of life? He's now all about running around the yard after his daughter and not about what he looks like when he's being SERKAN BOLAT, FAMOUS BUSINESS MAN and WORLD'S BEST ARCHITECT.

Also, Eda's hair, thank goodness they let that go once the flashbacks were over and we didn't need something to distinguish between then and now! Those curly bangs were not it.

Anonymous asked: They built up the Edser chemistry soooooo well throughout the episode... for that ending? Who decided to cut it there?! The scene was BEAUTIFUL I’m actually upset lol. are not we going to see any more? I’m not asking for a sex scene, I wanted to see THE moment they decided to get back together (the tattoo line doesn’t do it for me) - a few words, tears as they embrace, him walking through the door as she closes it, one passionate kiss, something! But it doesn’t feel like a cliffhanger that continues next week. I’ll be so underwhelmed when they cut to the morning after and we have to infer that they got back together overnight *sigh* if they were allowed 1 kiss only, id rather it have been here instead of ep 2

We do deserve to see how they reconcile, that should be one of the biggest moments of the season after 7 episodes of build up to it.

90% of final scenes in this show have continued uninterrupted the next week. To me there's no reason to think the next episode won't pick up right where this one left off. Crossing fingers!

Anonymous asked: It just hit me that Serkan is the “Kiraz” for Kemal - but Kemal actually missed his child’s whole 35 years 😬 this is an interesting turn of events. Also that line Serkan said about how fathers should love their child’s mother and how he didn’t have that with his own parents....but his real dad does love Aydan, more than she deserves haha.

Oh so true! Kemal really does love his mother more than she deserves! How he puts up with her, I don't know.

The parallel between Serkan/Kemal and Kiraz/Serkan is strong and I hope it gives Serkan some perspective when he starts grappling with this knowledge. I'm sure it's going to be very disconcerting for him, because while he expected to never see his father again, Alptekin is still his father. He's still the man who raised him and formed him into the man he is. Serkan still runs the company he founded and bears his name.

I don't expect any of that to change, but hopefully he can forge a separate relationship with Kemal that might fill some emotional holes that he has and bring him some peace.

None of that even contemplates how Kemal will feel, thankfully Aydan didn't willfully hide the truth from him. How awful to realize you lost 35 years.

We aren't there yet, but I wonder at what age with Kiraz learn the truth, that her dad is not an astronaut, that her parents went through hell with with cancer and plane crashes, and that her father didn't know of her existence until right before they met?

Just something to think about.

Anonymous asked: i'm so happy for hanker, don't get me wrong, and i'm also so happy we get "together" edser for so many episodes until the end, but i'm already tired of the constant "hanker improvising" comments i know i will be seeing. not that they don't improvise in some scenes, but i just know that every romantic edser scene is gonna be analyzed to hell bc ppl want to look for hanker in them. like there's no possible way that ayse, the writer ppl hate the most, could write any romantic scenes.. nope no way!

Yes, this is one of my pet peeves, I can't stand the "Edser left the chat" and all the "that's Hanker, not Edser" type conversation. it's so invasive and most of all disrespectful to not only the writers, but Hande and Kerem and all the work they pour into bringing Eda and Serkan to life.

One of the things in fandom that sets my teeth on edge is when folks take some interpretation of the character by the actor and then decide because it wasn't "scripted" (pro tip the vast majority of physical movements the actors make are "unscripted") that it must just be the actors themselves and have nothing to do with the characters. What an embarrassing and naïve assertion. Actors literal job is to take what's on the page and then translate that. So, no, OF COURSE, every look and touch is not scripted. The actors interpret how their characters would think and feel, and what they would do in given moments and then do those things.

Eda is not touching Serkan's arm just because Hande can't hold herself back from touching Kerem. Puh-lease, they are professionals. Grow up.

However, having said all that, I do think there was one scene that seemed to be very improvised this episode. The bean scene in the grocery store did feel like them just eFFing around. LOL.

andhewonherheart asked: @andhewonherheart: SCK promo department is best and worst all at the same time, cause giving away the last (cliffhanger) scene in fragman is just cruel. But based on the next week’s fragman thing happens that we we think happens *wink*

Hee! So true. The thing I'm grateful for is that in season 2 not one fragman has made me dread the episode, I think there was at least one fragman an episode from 29-37 that was hella upsetting.

As far as I'm concerned these fragmans are doing there job, making me want to watch.

I am really excited for Serkan planning how he's going to ask Eda to marry him, I wonder what Kiraz's reaction is going to be. So far she's been their very own cupid!

Anonymous asked: I didn't find it surprising that Serkan removed his tattoo as soon as Eda left. His logic is always out of sight out of mind though it doesn't work. He did the same when he broke up with her when he found out about the death of her parents. He removed all of her belongings. But their memories are too strong and enough for him to continue to remember her.

Truth! Will he ever learn that it's never going to work? He'll never be able to erase Eda, she has left an indelible mark on his soul. Let's hope he's never faced with that situation again! From here on out, he and Eda are together, a unit, and will live a long life together and in love.

Anyone have any guesses where Eda's tattoo is? Will we find out or will it remain between the characters.

Anonymous asked: I've seen some people say that Edser are getting married now way too fast and to that I just have to laugh lol. First there were complaints we don't have happy Edser and now when we do, of course there's something else. These two have had a rollercoaster of a year when they first met and a five year separation.. they've been through the dating phase, the engaged phase.. of course they'll head straight to the altar! It's not like Eda's plane proposal and that first wedding wasn't rushed either!

I'm on team head straight to the alter! No more waiting. They've had terrible luck, so they just need to tie the knot and make sure there are no easy outs.

As for people who think it's too fast, they don't even know the storyline yet, I swear there are folks who complain just because that's their personality and they're never satisfied.

Anonymous asked: From some of the spoilers of BTS pics, and the fragman we got, I was just reflecting on this season and Turk romcom dizis in general and I just wanted to say how LUCKY we are to see Edser married (again, from spoilers) and with a kid on screen for more than just 10 minute at the end of the finale. Like, it is really rare and as much as people have nitpicked on this season in general, I feel like watching these last episodes have been such a breeze after the last arc of S1.

Oh agreed, I think these episodes have been very enjoyable. The writers are giving me exactly what I want from this show. Comedy, UST, romance with a little light angst thrown in now and again. I would rewatch this season a dozen times before even thinking about watching anything from the 30s.

We are very lucky that we've got to see them as parents, and actually forming their family. We've gotten so much domestic goodness so far and we still have a ways to go. I'm very appreciative of this season and that Ayse came back, got rid of the constant ridiculous melodrama for melodrama's-sake and is telling a very human story about family and love persevering.

Anonymous asked: the last scene gave me chills for some reason. you could actually see eda fighting her head and her heart and deciding to take the step (metaphorically and physically!) towards him for good. i wanna SUE whoever decided to end it the ep there though.. it was actually cruel. also looking at the next frag.. it makes my heart soft that in the flashbacks we see serkan pushing off their wedding bc of his fears and now he can't propose and get married fast enough.. can't believe we're really getting it

I know, it's almost surreal at this point. Since we're near the end we know it's for real and won't be ruined by psychos or awful family members or terminal illness. I just hope that they give us an emotional scene when they get married, whether its just them or the whole cast is there as guests, after everything they've (we've) been through we need to see them both feeling that moment and reveling in it.

FYI - I'm out of town next weekend, so I may be slower than usual in replying to asks and in posting gifs of 47, but I'll get to it all eventually!

#Sen Çal Kapımı #Sen Cal Kapimi #Edser #sckask #sck episode discussion #edser discussion #asklizac jmo personal life #singles anonym

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notbang · 4 years ago

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the pursuit of happiness

or, an examination of happiness and the chase as recurring motifs in the character development of Rebecca Bunch and Nathaniel Plimpton

rethaniel appreciation week day 2 → pursuit

I could write a small novel cataloguing the endless parallels between these two—I have, in fact, thought about attempting it many times—but honestly the list is so long and varied and sprouts off in so many different directions that I’ve yet to think of a logical way to go about it. Which is why for the time being, I’m choosing to focus instead—in some degree of detail—on this particular mirrored thread between them.

As our protagonist, Rebecca functions as a major catalyst for change in West Covina, and just as surely as she stumbles along in her journey we see the (for the most part) positive effects of her friendship on those around her. With perhaps the sole exception of White Josh, all of the characters end the show as happier and healthier iterations of themselves, with many of the major aspects of their growth traceable to their involvement with Rebecca in some way. Nathaniel is no exception to this rule; arguably, his development, more so than any other character’s, is directly tied to Rebecca’s influence on his life. The main difference here lies in the fact that he moves to town good a season and half after her—putting him that much further behind in his inevitable development.

One of the major, ongoing setbacks Rebecca faces over the course of the show is her tendency to conflate happiness, or personal fulfilment, with romantic love, and more specifically, for the first half of the series at least, conflating it with a single person. Nathaniel, by comparison, at the time of our introduction to him, has little interest in the concept at all, something Rebecca is quick to sympathise with in 2x09—‘You know Nathaniel, I used to be a lot like you. Ruthless. But then one day I was crying a lot, and I decided to flip things around. Decided to put happiness before success. And when I did that, the world rewarded me with true happiness.’ Nathaniel doesn’t verbally dismiss the sentiment, but the wealth of facial expressions he supplies in response suggest what he thinks of that: happiness is frivolous, and he doesn’t have space for it in his busy schedule.

Nathaniel, probably: Sounds fake but okay.

In the season two theme Rebecca declares that as a girl in love, she can’t be held responsible for her actions, and the sweeping duet Nothing Is Ever Anyone’s Fault follows a similar thread of eschewing culpability. While this certainly works to help dismiss a season’s worth of questionable behaviour from the two of them—including, but not limited to, infidelity and conspiracy to murder—I’m not convinced the touted concept behind the song—that Nathaniel has learned the wrong lesson from being in love with her, as explained in post-finale interviews at the time—flies in the face of our understanding of Nathaniel’s character thus far. As a rich, straight, white, cis male whose privilege the show has only made clumsy attempts at dismantling, a disregard of consequence seems a lot less like something he needed to be taught by anybody and a little more like something that was probably ingrained in him at birth.

If we want to talk about misguided takeaways within their relationship, though, their relationship to happiness is the perfect place to start. Nathaniel begins the show with no concept of the pursuit of happiness, so it makes sense that when he does adopt an interest in it, he takes a page right out of the book of the person that introduced him and pins it all in the one place. Unlike Rebecca, though, Nathaniel’s preoccupation seems to be less wilful delusion and more of a case of ignorance being bliss—being with her feels good, so why change anything or interrogate the situation any further? For all his earlier talk, he is quick to give up the thrill of the chase under the hedonistic guise of contentment. Unfortunately, what he lacks is the emotional intelligence to navigate the implications of Rebecca’s disorder, highlighted by his belief that the mere fact that he and Josh are two vastly different people is reason enough for him to be able to dismiss her obsessive behaviour as ‘cute’ and ‘flattering’. Rebecca’s recent breakdown and consequential suicide attempt can’t exist as warning signs in their (what he perceives as superior) relationship because he isn’t planning on leaving Rebecca at the altar; he isn’t privy to the realisation that it ‘wasn’t about Josh, and maybe it never was’.

Nathaniel: I don’t want to get in the way of your therapy thing, but isn’t the point of all this to be happy? We’re happy. That’s what matters.

It’s a shame because despite there being so much more going on with Rebecca than Nathaniel is capable of comprehending at this point in time, he actually, perhaps entirely by accident, manages to get a few things right—he checks in with her about her therapy when her appearing on his doorstep contradicts the information she’d given him earlier (even if he is, at this point, all too easy to convince), counters her suggestion that they play hooky at Raging Waters with the compromise of a more sensibly scheduled dinner they’ll both enjoy, and, when they do come in to conflict over her obsessive behaviours, takes some time for himself before having a serious conversation with her. Though it’s certainly naive of him to think it’s a problem as easily solved as getting Rebecca to promise she’ll never do anything like this again, it suggests the capacity exists (given, with great guidance) for him to approach Rebecca’s mental illness within their relationship in a thoughtful way.

(This of course completely ignores the inherent issues in their boss/employee relationship, which come to a questionable forefront when Rebecca makes the decision to return to work after having broken things off, but we’re starting to get a little off-track from the intended scope of this discussion.)

The idea of romantic love as a chase—if not already sold to us by Rebecca literally moving across the country in pursuit of Josh—is hammered home most effectively in episode 2x11, but Nathaniel actually brings it up in the episode prior; before Rebecca and Josh leave for New York, at the same time as setting up the whole ‘man of my dreams’ idea that also carries on into the next episode, a sweaty Nathaniel beseeches Rebecca to imitate a land-based predator so he can amp up his workout under the threat of chase. Within this alignment, Josh, who ends up proposing to Rebecca at the end of 2x10, becomes even more clearly representative of an end goal—love, marriage, and, as an expected by-product, ultimate happiness. Nathaniel, by contrast for the time being, is all about the chase that comes before. After his speech at the beginning of 2x11 boasting of his dogged approach when securing clients, his passionate buzz words begin to permeate Rebecca’s subconscious, with ‘pursuit’ in particular going so far as to in an echo in a similar way that ‘happy’ does in the pilot. Such is the effect of his words on her that she parrots them back to Josh when she tells him she’s moved up their wedding—‘Finally, it’s coming to an end. The pursuit is over and I just want to celebrate that’. The title of the episode title may pose the question Josh is the man of my dreams, right? but in the most literal sense, the star of her dreams becomes Nathaniel, along with his personal brand of terminology.

Where Nathaniel thinks life is all about playing the hunter, Rebecca insists she doesn’t care for the chase, which makes sense—she doesn’t want to be chasing Josh, and furthermore, admitting that she’s chasing him would only be contradictory to her belief that they belong together. She wants her happy ending. She wants to arrive at her final destination—her destiny—because thus far all her journeys (which have in actuality been more of a kind of stagnation) have been left her unfulfilled. However obsessing over an idealised future only postpones her happiness with her inability to focus on the present. Ironically, the point at which she makes an active choice to begin shifting that focus—in 3x07, when Dr Shin encourages her to live in the messy in-between—is right around the time Nathaniel starts buying into her idealisation himself.

In a similar way to Rebecca, regardless of his purported love of the pursuit, Nathaniel’s infatuation is seemingly tied to the concept of a destination—several times quite literally. In 3x04 he’s ready to whisk her away to Rome to evade any obstacles to their being together, and in 4x01 proposes a similar escape to Hawaii, causing him to lash out when Rebecca turns him down—‘I want us to just be happy and be together. That’s what I want. You just said you love me, right? So can you just do that for me? Can you just stop overthinking everything? …seems like every time we’re happy, you try to ruin it.’ He sees their shared happiness as a nirvana state he’s caught a glimpse of that Rebecca is now determined to deny him access to, to the point that he seeks to make their version of a love bubble a physical one, where no outside interference (or, more accurately, internal reflection from Rebecca) can keep them apart. Still degrees behind Rebecca in the parallel arcs of their development, he’s stuck in the mindset that them being happy and in love is the only thing that matters. His behaviour is far from flattering, but with a quick review of his history of being on the continual receiving end of her rejection, it’s not entirely difficult to see where he’s coming from.

(As an aside, Rebecca’s relationship with the destination versus the journey as it pertains to the mural on her wall is something I’ve already discussed in a previous meta.)

When she breaks up with him at the beginning of 3x09, Rebecca responds to Nathaniel’s protest of ‘but we’re happy!’ with the qualifier that she’s ‘happy, but it isn’t real’, which probably isn’t the most pleasant thing to be told, even before you factor in Nathaniel’s implied inexperience with serious relationships. While her behaviour prior to this definitely calls for some self reflection, it’s an interesting backflip from extreme infatuation to sudden dismissal, and while it does align with the black and white thinking associated with BPD, it’s easy to see why Nathaniel feels blindsided and, consequently, spurned. She begged him not to break up with her not only to then turn around do exactly that, but to also (presumably unintentionally) throw in the humiliating implication he cared more than she did.

Dr Akopian: Maybe now you can see that your father’s behaviour in the past has set a pattern for you, seeking the love of men who don’t fully love you back. Who you have to pursue. Men who are taken or emotionally unavailable. Like your father. Like Josh. Like Greg. Like other men, I’m sure.

Nathaniel is an outlier amongst the three main love interests in that, for all his grandstanding about humans being hunters by nature, he’s the one constantly falling over himself to win Rebecca’s affection rather than the other way around; it’s ironic that the love interest that asserts himself as being all about the chase is the one that ends up later having to assign himself the title of ‘king of declarations’ based on his ongoing habit of blurting out to Rebecca how he feels, never achieving the level of emotional standoffishness he hopes to exude. Nathaniel’s unavailability—and subsequent cementing as one of the types of men Dr Akopian calls Rebecca out on being predisposed to pursuing—comes only when he enters into a relationship with Mona, and Rebecca, who supposedly ‘never cared for the chase’, with interest reignited finds a skewed sense of security afforded by the romantic roadblock, something Nathaniel seems to understand on some unspoken level, as hinted at by his eagerness to maintain the fragile status quo of their morally questionable arrangement.

As a result of this subversion of power dynamics within Rebecca and Nathaniel’s relationship, in amongst the many other parallels between them that only serve to support this, it starts to become apparent that, narratively speaking, Nathaniel is to Rebecca as Rebecca is to Josh, something that is visually co-signed by the show during 4x03, when we see the same golden glow of romantic epiphany crest behind Rebecca in the church during her speech at Heather and Hector’s wedding that suffuses across Josh when Rebecca encounters him in the streets of New York.

Nathaniel’s takeaway from Rebecca’s speech is that because he loves her, he should do everything within his power to get her back, which of course leads to his (frankly embarrassing) attempts to manipulate her and win her over in 4x04. (Fittingly enough to this discussion, the opening line of the Slumbered quote he plagiarises is ‘you are the only thing that makes me happy’. The irony of his failed use of her teenage diary to win her over is that I honestly do believe the speech is an accurate summation of how he sees Rebecca, and had he only chosen to put it in his own words, that final scene between them might have played out a little differently.) The part he probably should have focused on, though, is the part Rebecca is currently pouring all her professional energy into (and not so coincidentally, it’s right there in the episode title)—love (and therefore happiness) being about finding your own path.

Rebecca: I don’t believe in destiny anymore. I just believe in taking responsibility for your own happiness.

This is not the first time Nathaniel makes the decision to actively pursue Rebecca while her attention lies firmly fixed elsewhere. In 3x03 and 3x04, he is forced to grapple with his feelings alone when a distracted Rebecca eventually goes where he cannot follow, putting an abrupt end to any potential for chase when she flees back to New York in 3x05. Consequently, Nathaniel embarks on a mini-arc of struggling to accept the idea that Rebecca may never come back—initially incomprehensible to him, owing to the fact that she bears importance to him, personally—to conceding that his (thus far relatively unexamined) need for her to be in his life is secondary to her own wellbeing, something that acts as a precursor to a major thread in Nathaniel’s (often one step forward, two clumsily-written steps back) character development in the back end of the series.

Nathaniel: I just hope wherever she is, she’s happy.

In 4x11, Nathaniel’s dream world amalgamation of Maya and Rebecca begs him to let her be happy, and as the former fades into the latter we get another callback to the pilot—an echo of 'happy, happy, happy…’ reminiscent of the empty shell of New York Rebecca latching onto Josh’s description of laid-back West Covina. Unlike its instance in the 1x01, however, this is a wake up call of an entirely different kind—it is not the blossoming of a brand new delusion but the sobering dissolution of one. And unlike the speech a radiant Rebecca gave at Heather’s wedding about finding the one you love and holding on tight, this particular iteration is here to impart the contradictory wisdom ‘if you really love me, you have to let me go’.

Nathaniel: I want you to be happy, I do.

This moment is arguably the true beginning of Nathaniel’s lesson that his happiness isn’t necessarily (or in this case, due to the current circumstances, can no longer be) inextricably linked to Rebecca—she has the opportunity to find happiness independently of him and that in itself is something that should make him happy, as someone that loves and cares for her. His assertion to dream Rebecca that he wants her to be happy manifests in his concession to Rebecca in the real world—‘I’m glad you’re happy. I really am. And it makes me happy too’—an exchange that echoes two similar moments between them back in season three, during which Rebecca expresses the same sentiment regarding his relationship with Mona, first following the cool down from their 3x10 conflict, and again in the aftermath of their ended affair in 3x13:

Rebecca: I’m happy that you found someone else. Mona seems lovely.

Rebecca: I’m happy for you… I want you to be happy.

The more interesting callback here though, of course, is to Rebecca’s conversation with Greg at the duck pond way back in 2x02. After finally tracking down an AWOL Greg with the intention of breaking the news of her involvement with Josh, Greg makes peace with the situation by way of reassuring them both that everything worked out fine as long as Rebecca is happy. ‘You and Josh—you should be happy together. You’re happy, right? And he treats you well?’ Rebecca responds to this in the affirmative, though her expression—and the context of the episode—belies her answer. In contrast, her exchange with Nathaniel goes a little differently:

Nathaniel: Because you’re happy, right? You’re happy with Greg. Rebecca: I mean, I don’t know. I’m not there yet. But I could possibly be, yeah.

The evolution of Rebecca’s response is of course evidence of her development as a character and her own understanding of her relationship to happiness, but what I find most noteworthy is not that she lies in 2x02, but that in 4x11 she chooses to tell an unusual truth. She could just have easily have said yes the second time around and it would have functioned as a clear enough juxtaposition of what she considers close enough to happiness; after all, at the time of 4x11 she and Greg believe they are approaching their relationship in a mature and thoughtful fashion, they are warm and affectionate towards one another and, unlike in 2x02, she is not having to compete for her partner’s attention. She would, by all accounts, be completely justified in giving what could be considered the normal response to being posed such a question—that yes, she is happy with Greg. So even though it’s encouraging to hear Rebecca verbalising her newfound knowledge that happiness is so much more than such a simple dichotomy of yes and no, it feels significant that Nathaniel, as a person currently knee-deep in untangling his own complicated relationship with happiness, is the one that gets to be privy to this particular brand of truth.

And while it can be argued that all the strides Nathaniel makes in 4x11 are undone over the course of the following episodes, setting aside the very real fact that human emotions are fickle, and we can’t always stick as completely to our guns as we’d like, his blessing here still comes with a telling caveat: ‘I’ve got to let you go… because you’re happy’. And who shows up on Nathaniel’s doorstep during 4x12 to poke holes in that perceived state of happiness between her and Greg? None other than Rebecca herself.

Rebecca: You just want me to be happy, which is what I want too, and god, Greg… Greg doesn’t know what happiness is.

Such is the shared significance of this concept of happiness between them that the second Rebecca alludes to their conversation in the foyer, Nathaniel’s previously good-natured, albeit slightly confused, response to her drunken presence in his apartment quickly and very clearly dissolves into alarm bells and he eventually sends her on her way. Though he could easily have wielded Rebecca’s visit as a weapon to create dissonance between her and Greg in 4x13, he merely probes for clues by way of a convoluted metaphor, resigning himself to the fact that the issue has been resolved, while Greg, in actuality, is at this point none the wiser. It’s only once Greg himself tells Nathaniel that it is over between him and Rebecca that Nathaniel returns to entertaining his feelings for her.

Though we the viewers are all too aware (and at this point, probably screaming at the TV!) that Rebecca’s happiness is not, contrary to recurring belief, a vacant role that she needs someone to fill; unlike us, the characters have not had the good fortune of being able to watch the show Crazy Ex Girlfriend on the CW network. Nathaniel is still a fledgling in terms of self enlightenment, and it makes total sense for him to be nudged towards into pursuing her again once the clearest obstacle to her affections—her relationship with Greg—is no longer an issue.

When she breaks the news of her decision to Nathaniel in the finale, Rebecca is quick to assure Nathaniel that ‘the times that [they’ve] spent together have been some of the best of [her] life’, which is an interestingly bold statement all on its own, but it feels somewhat satisfyingly like finally giving Nathaniel a real-life answer to the ‘we’ve had such happy moments, you and I, haven’t we?’ that he throws at his Maya-shaped projection of Rebecca in 4x11; affirmation that contrary to what she says in 3x08, something in there between them was real.

‘You only get one life,’ he tells her in return. ‘And you’ve got to live that the way you want.’

Neither of them uses the word ‘happy’ in this exchange, but as we fast forward in time, we get:

Nathaniel: Happy to be here.

Rebecca: For the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

Nathaniel (who in an amusing reflection in 2x09, reveals that he, in a roundabout way, moved to West Covina because of Rebecca—‘it’s kind of your fault that I’m here’) has finally made the actual change that Rebecca taunted him with on their first meeting. And unlike Rebecca, he’s had a chance to interrogate what happiness for himself, removed from another person, might look like before he does so. Rather than starting with a life-altering change, he gets to make incremental changes along the way—which very much are tied to his entanglement to Rebecca—in order to make a more meaningful and deliberate life change for himself later on.

“When you find someone that melts the iceberg that is your heart…” - 3x03

“Provoking me, and zinging me, and challenging my world view. And warming my heart.” - 3x04

“You make me feel like I can be a different kind of person.” - 3x08

“You’ve awakened my heart and unlocked my soul.” - 4x04

“You’ve changed my whole life. Who I am, who I can be.” - 4x11

Rebecca describes her moving to West Covina in Nathaniel’s first episode as ‘[deciding] to flip things around. [Deciding] to put happiness before success. And when I did that, the world rewarded me with true happiness.’ In the finale, she tells the audience how he, by comparison, ‘upended [his] life’—‘You changed everything. But unlike me, you did it for the right reasons. And I am in awe of you.’ Alongside the nice progression from her proclamation in 2x09 that she ‘came to West Covina to search for happiness’ to her more self-aware announcement at the open mic that ‘for the first time in my life, [she is] truly happy’, (which feels like a subversive callback to a certain infamous butter commercial) we also get a reiteration of the sentiment— ‘I came to this town to find love. And I did. I love every person in this room’—that conflates happiness with love in what is now a healthy and satisfying way. It’s the perfect twist that she’s rewarded with the thing she was searching for all along just as soon as she realises she was looking in all the wrong places, and that the place itself still gets to play such a large part in that. And she is able to see Nathaniel’s journey as all the more meaningful in light of her own missteps along the way.

While I have my reservations on the bow they tied Nathaniel’s arc in for the finale (because despite Rebecca’s realisation that there is no such thing as ‘ending up’, there is in the sense of the scope of this series) being a well thought out resolution as opposed to leaning on a previous gag without laying any actual groundwork, the truth is it’s unclear what the true nature of Nathaniel’s sabbatical is/was/will be—mere extended vacation, permanent new career path, or just the initial spark of inspiration in some extended self discovery. That being said, much like Rebecca evolving towards a point where she can appreciate the interconnectedness of love and happiness in a less troublesome way, it is neat that Nathaniel’s resolution follows on from his tendency to want to escape to far-off destinations in an attempt to control his desired status quo. Though his fleeing town is still inextricably linked to having his heart broken by Rebecca, Guatemala, for once, isn’t about transposing his current circumstance to another place in order to cling to something, but rather a carefully selected, specific site for welcomed change.

Independent of any potential that may or may not exist between them as the show closes out—romantic or otherwise—it’s undeniable that these two characters have left indelible marks on each other, and without their respective involvement in each other’s lives, their journeys—and resulting transformations—would not have been the same.

#crazy ex girlfriend #rebecca x nathaniel #rethanielaw #rethaniel #rebecca bunch #nathaniel plimpton #crazy ex meta #stop! meta time

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seungnoir · 4 years ago

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My Current top 10 favorite Miraculous Ladybug Episodes and why (+analysis)

1. timetagger - the amount of possibilities this brings to the plot and insight is so fun. also, it’s one of the few things of writing and planning i appreciate in this series because it was hinted in the very beginning of s1 that alix’s watch was a miraculous, but now we get to see that connection. Seeing things that were hinted long ago end up having substance makes it more interesting. Also, I do thoroughly Alix as a character and loved to see her and see that she will have a bigger role in the future. This episode alone leads to so many theories and things that can be analyzed and makes it so fun - such as the idea that there is someone (besides master fu) that knows about their identities, and even further, about what happens in the future. The idea of a new hawk moth also comes to play. The akumatized villain from the future proves that there is a hawk moth in the future, but that it isn’t gabriel agreste. This brings into question of what happened to Gabriel and the current Hawk Moth? How did someone else of ill-intention end up the miraculous after hawk moth? Who is this new Hawk Moth? This brings so many theories and possibilities to where the show is heading. We also see chat noir and ladybug do still exist in the future as adults. We can only wonder and theorize about how theyve developed between present and future, though. Another small detail at the end that was interesting is i’m pretty sure chat broke the fourth wall?? At the end of the episode, chat is talking to ladybug and about what alix said about the future as they walk away, and started saying “maybe in the future you might even agree to see a movie with me. Hey, what if it was in the very near future? Like, the next show...”

2. sandboy - there are many reasons i enjoy this episode. first, i love the kwamis and i love learning more about them and having some focus on them. We learned more about background and history of the kwamis as well as see more than we had before. In addition, I think it brought good development to character, particularly for adrien/chat noir. Marinette’s and ladybug’s biggest nightmares weren’t too much of a surprise, and neither was adrien and chat noir’s when you think about it but foes bring more insight to him as a character and helps set up ideas for his character and things later. As adrien, his biggest nightmare was being trapped and cornered, obviously a result of how he’s treated by his father. While adrien tends to always seem chill and nice around people and like everything’s always fine, it shows there’s more we don’t see. Then, as chat noir, his biggest nightmare was that ladybug hated him. It was important to show how much chat noir really cares about his relationship with her, and not just romantically. It shows us this not only as a watcher, but so that ladybug sees too. This sets up well for the ny special, where ladybug gets upset with chat and says she can’t trust him. While not exactly like his nightmare where she despises him, it is parallel to his literal biggest nightmare and shows why he reacted the way he did and shows just how much ladybug saying that would affect him. I also very thoroughly enjoy the moment where adrien sees the sock plagg left when he sneaked out and he went “Plagg! who turned you into a sock!” i think i find it funnier than i should.

3. heroes day p2 - not to be a ladynoir stan but that’s a big reason i enjoy this episode. When the other heroes they recruited fall, Ladybug gets worried and begins to lose hope. This isn’t very common for her, but it shows she’s not some perfect hero, she has times where she has doubts. However, chat noir was right there for her. He was able to encourage her and get her back into the spirit. I think this is important to show their relationship without thinking about it in a romantic way. It shows chat noirs full trust in ladybug, and how even if ladybug doesn’t always express it, it shows how she does appreciate and trust chat noir and that he is able to help her when she’s down, it’s a balance. Also, when chat noir is encouraging ladybug, one thing he says “let’s go back to what always worked - you and me against the world, m’lady.” In my eyes, this reinforces the “soulmate” idea and the importance of the two. Don’t get me wrong, I love the other heroes and miraculouses being used, and maybe its just me, but I think it’s important that despite the other heroes being helpful, chat noir and ladybug are the core, and that reinforces that. Also I honestly love that adrien was detransformed at the time of saying that line. In addition to ladynoir, there’s the plot and villain progression of hawk moth and nathalie, which sparks the plot to really start picking up after this event.

4. reverser - I love marc a lot, i relate to his character a lot so i enjoyed having him and I wish we had more outside of this episode. There are also other fun characters we get to see that we don’t see as much (Alex and nathaniel). I also like the akumartizaion set up, i think it’s a very realistic situation in which misunderstanding takes over and there’s no specific person to blame, and i appreciate the demonstration of that. Not to be a chat noir stan, but him being a “scaredy cat” after getting hit by the reverser was so cute and funny and i enjoyed that. Again, back to the other characters, as i mentioned before i like alix a lot. i enjoyed her mocking chloe in the episode and then not caring when the teacher tried to say she should be nice. and then i liked the moment she scared chat noir. and then i enjoyed seeing her role in helping the duo in defeating reverser. also, there was a moment on the beginning of the episode where adrien teased marinette and any moment where adriens chat noir side comes out is my favorite. in conclusion, i love seeing the characters we see in this episode and chat noir was cute.

5. puppeteer 2 - as much as the wax statue scene gives me the worst second hand embarrassment of my entire life, the episode gave us a clearer insight to adriens perspective on his relation with marinette, which i enjoyed, and made me like him as a character even more. while i love a good “she’s just a friend” joke, it is confirmed in this episode he’s genuinely oblivious - which he shouldn’t be perceived as dumb for. social cues are harder for some people and can cause problems but it’s not smth people can help, we also have to remember he has very limited experience with people. anyway, it gives us that insight and i believe it’s important. he even expressed acknowledgment of how he doesn’t pick these things up sometimes. so he interpreted marinettes reaction wrong, and he believed marinette even didn’t like him. it distressed him so much to think that was the case. this was the insight we needed to see how adrien perceives their relationship and how much it really developed. even if he doesn’t have a crush on her, it introduces the idea that he still genuinely cares about her and having a relationship with her - parallel to us seeing ladybug see that with chat, which i believe is very important for the development of lovesquare and the plot. not to mention the frusturation of dramatic irony at the end when adrien, seemingly for the first time we’ve seen him as adrien, mention to someone else how he DOES love someone. while painful for marinette, i do think it’s interested because i don’t even think he’s mentioned the fact he loves someone to nino, showing how he still considers marinette as someone he can be close too.

6. ikari gozen - I love Kagami and I appreciated this kind of redemption arc. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her at first, but after this episode she’s one of the most relatable characters, personally. In turn, it also helps Marinette learn a good lesson. So yeah, the main reason i enjoy this episode is Kagami’s character development and her character. Ryuko is also so cool.

7. kwamibuster - i mentioned this before but i love the kwamis a lot and i love getting to see them in episodes. in this episode we got to see not only interactions between plagg and tikki, but get a chance to meet other kwamis and see their miraculous jewelry and some of their abilities. we also see that marinette and adrien are not incapable of connecting dots, realizing both plagg and tikki were in the same school. however, plagg and tikki try to reason them out of it and they both did things to throw the other of their track, so they didn’t keep their theories - but it does show they’re not Completely Oblivious.

8. troublemaker - there’s a lot of small things and moments that make me appreciate this episode rather than one big thing. to start, i enjoy penny’s character a lot and this is one the few episodes we really get to see her and the only one where we get focus on her. in addition, she was a good villain and arguably the closest a villain got to taking ladybug’s miraculous, taking an earring. then theres marinettes adrien photo collection being exposed, and adriens facial expressions in reaction to it made me laugh. and then of course, the scene following the fight, adrien talks to marinette. one noticeable thing is that marinette didnt stutter as much as she had and got out full thoughts. good for her ! and it shows that she is slowly beginning to be more comfortable with him. then of course, adrien. he starts by asking if she was okay since the fight happened at her house (even though he was literally there and knows damn well marinette wasn’t even there, kinda anyway). and then, as i mentioned before, my favorite thing ever is adriens chat noir side coming out, which is exactly what happened. he teased marinette for the photos, both asking if she was lying and then the “even in the most unlikely places” line. the thing about this is that this is something we barely see happen with adrien as adrien, yet it happened with marinette, which shows he’s comfortable enough with her to do that. and then of course the sincere moment of him saying he’s glad she’s her fan, he’s just so sweet good for him i love him.

9. origins - a classic. provides us background we needed on how things start and characters meant. there’s so much things to take from origins about their characters and the story in general. for one, marinette not even wanting to be ladybug. i feel this fit her character and was more realistic than if she accepted it right away. and then her being a bit of a mess the first time and not even capturing the akuma. i think that was important; to show ladybug and marinette are not perfect, but that’s what makes her a better and more relatable character. it wouldn’t be fun if she were perfect from the beginning. and then chat noir, who was a lot less reluctant. in contrast to marinette. he had been isolated his whole life and forced to try to fit a perfect mold. this gave him not only physical freedom he always desired but also the personal freedom to be able to be who he wanted. it of course also shows the balance of the two heroes. ladybug was nervous and had no hope at the beginning, but was able to get though with chat noirs encouragement - which is something that comes up every so often, but shows their balance and dynamic. and then of course . the umbrella scene. one of the most iconic moments, and also one thing i’ve noted is that we barely ever seeadrien laugh like he did in that scene, and it makes me treasure that moment more. and despite the whole “she’s just a friend” thing, it was important in that moment and you can see how important it is to him that he has a friend, and probably establishes the trust and appreciation for marinette we see as the show progresses as she was very important to him being kind of his first friend and that it holds a different kind of importance to him.

10. glaciator - an iconic episode of course. while marichat is probably my least favorite in terms of love square ships, i think marichat moments are some of the best. i think it’s where the two are more showing themselves to each other than in any other way. chat gets to see truly marinette in which she isn’t a nervous mess and is actually acting like herself, and marinette gets to see chat has more to him than she saw previously as ladybug. with his constant flirting and joking with her, it seemed that she interpreted this as this is just his personality and it didn’t mean much, that maybe he acted the same with anyone. but with the interactions of this episode, she learns that’s not the case, he genuinely and truly loves and cares and about ladybug, it was more than just joking around. this realization is big for marinette and she even comments that she misjudged him. this episode allows eachother to rlly learn more about eachother. and then it helps ladybug be honest. she’s completely honest with chat after that, saying there’s someone else and she doesn’t want to lead him on, but that sets the stage for them to still grow on their platonic relationship, which is still important. ladybug for the seemingly first time directly tells chat how he’s important to her, and chat admits that his friendship with her is the most important thing to him, showing us more about adrien/chats character, as well as demonstrates despite his love for ladybug the platonic relationship still holds great importance with seems to contrast how marinette views adrien at this moment.

honorable mentions:

reflekdoll - this was almost in the top 10 but i changed it last minute. i appreciate learning more about juleka and hope we get more to grown on that later. and not to be an adrien stan but he looked really pretty with his outfit for marinettes shoot. one thing i feel is also important to notice is how easily he was willing to take off his miraculous for the sake of marinettes shoot. he didn’t even really hesitate? that wasn’t really surprising for marinette to do, but for adrien it again represents a small thing that shows he really appreciates and cares about her (whether it’s romantic or not). the concept of them switching miraculouses were also fun, and seeing a little bit of tikki and plagg interactions again. the reason that it didn’t end up in the top 10 was because i think the execution of their miraculous switch should’ve been done much better. i feel like the writing made chat look dumber than he is and made ladybug look more bossy than she is. while i feel part of this was meant to demonstrate they’re truly made for their own miraculous, it could’ve been demonstrated without making the character look worse.

startrain - i don’t mean to be basic but the adrinette in this episode was super cute. however that’s not the only reason this episode stood out. hawk moth rlly sent his own son into space, u know as one does. and then the irony of him saying “how ironic i have to depend on my enemies (ladybug and chat noir) to save my son” like if you think that’s ironic then… but anyway . i also enjoyed seeing more max in the episode. his transformation is fun and i think we deserved a max based episode where he (or markov) didn’t have to get akumatized. also i feel like in the beginning of the episode, i like how adrien flat out decided to go to london without even asking his dad. i think he’s slowly stopping to care so much about his fathers rules and realizing what he needs for himself and this shows that.

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millennialzadr · 5 years ago

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WHY I LOVE ZADR!!!

HEY GUYS WHASSUP? LMAO

So this is a whole ass giant long post of me absolutely spewing my feelings of love for ZADR, it was the very first thing I wrote when I made this blog and I think it’s a nice, positive thing for my fellow shippers to inhale and enjoy 👌👌

it was originally a reply to mitarashiart’s post about why HE loves ZADR (link in replies) but I decided to delete that and make my own post since MY WHOLE ENTIRE TEXT WALL WAS SHOWN IN THE REPLIES and drowned out anyone else who was trying to talk (thanks tumblr mobile u fuckin idiot)

I had also posted a summary of an AU that I’m working on in the original post, but decided to remove it since it just about doubled the length (I’m thinking about posting it separately along with the wips I’ve been putting together, we’ll see 👀)

But ANYWAY, here is about a million reasons why I think ZADR is the fucking best, so if you like reading gushy gay ship feelings, please enjoy ❤️❤️❤️

[Posted June 2019][WARNING, LONG ASS THOUGHT BARF]

SOOO, holy hell y’all my journey back into this fandom has been a wild and unique experience for me, i went from adding invader zim to my bookmarks on kisscartoon, rewatching the series, finding out theres a movie coming out, finding out there was a shitload of content i’d never seen before (commentaries, lost episode scripts and audios, panels, the COMIC, episodes i’d never seen because the dvd i used to watch was scratched!! and a FUCKLOAD of quality modern fan art like oh my GOD) and finally curiously googling ‘zadr’ (which i was way into when i was maybeee 13/14) to see if there was any interesting new art, and holy hell, mita (the artist above) singlehandedly THREW me down the hole into modern zadr hell, first with his absolutely stunning IZ art (all his art is dope tho check him out yo), then reading the above explanation put the final nail in the coffin like, 100%

so i wanted to add onto his post here on why this ship got me so fucked up, both for anyone who might be wondering why on earth i’m shipping two characters from a kid’s show (i’m very aware how weird that is at first glance trust me) and also so i can get some ideas down for possible future reference (will i ever draw them? maybe)

(first of all, a disclaimer, and this is not pleasant to write but it’s important to address for clarity’s sake: I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships between minors, and do not ship zim and dib as they are presented canonically in the show (as children). what i’m interested in is the conceptualized relationship they may have as modern adults, and i view zadr more as taking the concepts of existing characters and experimenting with them with different interpretations, which i personally think is a constructive and fun creative outlet, especially if these characters hold personal significance for you (childhood faves of course). growing up together is an important facet of their relationship, and certainly they were important to each other even as children (see: mopiness of doom) but as an adult i’m personally curious about what kind of adults they might’ve become, and that’s the focus of my interest. i’ll still be reblogging regular IZ art because it’s dope but if you see shippy looking art of them as tiny lil beans its either friendship or chibis (and i personally headcanon zim as getting taller with dib but some people stick with his canonical height when drawing them as adults, which is super short. it still doesn’t mean he’s a kid). aaand i wish i didnt have to write this and it would just be obvious but we live in a sick sad world and it is sourced from a children’s cartoon so i feel its necessary. end of disclaimer)

NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY

- ok, first reason’s a bit obvious - the nostalgia. holy hell, the feeling of rediscovering a ship that was popular when i was a preteen during the mid 2000s and discovering a totally new perspective on it as an adult comes with an almost totally overwhelming sense of nostalgia and comfort, as well as inspiration!! the kind of art that seems so common for zadr, these sketch pages of scenes and expressions and visual gags where artists would just scribble every idea they had and LOVE doing it, this was exactly the kind of art that made me so passionate about drawing as a kid, and it still sparks such a powerful feeling of love and admiration for me to this day. fan content of iz and zadr is simultaneously achingly familiar and totally new and fascinating, and it just makes me SO damn happy to consume, it is most definitely my new comfort content. and just, GOD. THE ART!! SO GOOD. FUCK

- now for the characters themselves: for some reason i just really love the thought of a mid twenties, modern Dib?? lanky goth dork, disaster bi, depressed as shit, uses bad sweaters and memes to cope?? when i was a kid i didn’t even LIKE Dib, but now i totally sympathize with him! he’s just a hyper obsessive nerd wishing there was more to life than the situation he got stuck with, how wildly relatable. he was a pretty big asshole as a kid (even to people besides zim) but he was also totally isolated and constantly bullied, so there’s a lot of room for growth. i feel there’s a lot of juicy character development potential for that boy, and there’s always been a special place in my heart for characters who are totally sad and screwed and hopeless, but there’s one thing, or person, that means the world to them and could possibly save them…

- aliens. Zim. i love nonhuman characters, i love monsters, i love aliens, i love characters that don’t understand human shit (and thus have much less room for shame or fear bc theyre just totally oblivious the negatives of modern society) and need guidance (bonding!!) from their human. i also love morally grey characters and characters with skewed logic, they’re always really interesting, and Zim himself just has such a unique personality and set of mannerisms, he contradicts himself a lot and you can never quite expect how he’ll behave, and i love that in a character, it makes them super versatile and fun, especially since there’s so many different possibilities for their development. Also, Zim is a gremlin, a little shit, and a disaster. I also love those traits in a character. And don’t even get me started on his character design?? big sparkly eyes? expressive antennae? monster teeth? complimenting colors? he’s adorable.

- mutual obsession. for someone like Dib, who seems almost repulsed by how boring and slow the people around him are, Zim quite literally personifies Dib’s escapist fantasies, both as an inhuman entity from beyond the stars, and as a person who’s knowledge, charisma and mystery far exceeds that of anyone Dib has met in his entire life. (so basically what i’m saying is that for a shunned, jaded misanthropist, an actual alien is terribly alluring, even if said alien is dangerous, stupid, and possibly insane). not to mention Zim vindicates Dib’s entire life passion, the supernatural! Even when their relationship is totally negative, there is not a single inch of room for Dib to get tired of Zim. as mita explained, they validate each other. for Zim, WHO AGAIN, IS TOTALLY SHUNNED, ISOLATED, AND HATED BY EVERYONE HE KNOWS, Dib is the only person in the universe who gives a single shit about him!! he gives Zim credit as a threat, a capable invader, which if you ask me is the sole thing Zim is after (he’s hellbent on his mission because it would win him the approval of the tallest, all he’s ever wanted is recognition from the people he thinks so highly of). He literally gets depressed when Dib isn’t around to pay attention to him, not even the tallest were enough to motivate him before Dib came back. these two have no one and nothing without each other, and while lifelong nemeses is fine and dandy, i personally prefer friendship, affection and love, cause i’m a softie like that. how could they possibly get there after years of actively trying to kill each other?? well, i think under just the right circumstances it could become a possibility after a long, long time.

- growth. i. love. me. some. good. character growth. especially for characters with trauma/mental illness, bc again, relatable. these boys have issues, and as mita mentioned, their canon stories are actually INCREDIBLY sad! but the happy thought is, they could recover! they could help each other recover, for little reason other than the two are the only source of happiness for each other. now of course this also opens the gate for angst lovers, but at the same time offers potential for comforting, uplifting content of the boys supporting and inspiring each other, maybe even to the point of becoming happy and healthy enough to create the lives they want for themselves (as in appreciating life and doing things that make them actually happy instead of the delusions of grandeur they both sought when they were younger). gimme that positive shit and let the poor beans be happy щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

- LITTLE THINGS. LITTLE THINGS THAT ONLY COME WITH CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. WITH HUMAN/NONHUMAN. WITH THE SHOW’S WEIRD LOGIC. Zim being the person Dib knows best and vice versa. Zim having an involuntary respect/admiration for Dib because he’s tall. Learning each other’s needs, limits, and communication methods, both emotionally and biologically. Sensitive antennae. Affectionate bickering. Being less insecure bc your partner literally has no idea why you see your flaws as flaws. Laughing at the flaws they do notice because they make no sense. Zim only wanting to eat waffles and chow mein. Dib being forced to overcome his depression lethargy and stay hygienic/keep the apartment clean because Zim has a sharper sense of smell and is afraid of germs. Endless conversation about anything and everything because they’re from literally different worlds, and endless intrigue. TOUCHING. TALKING. DOING EVERYTHING LIKE ITS THE VERY FIRST TIME AND ALWAYS NEEDING THE OTHER TO GUIDE THEM. HOLY HELL THERE IS SO MUCH POSSIBILITY FOR TINY LITTLE MOMENTS THAT MEAN THE WORLD. FUCK. GOT ME FUCKED UP.

so that wraps up the why. fuck man. its just such a good ship. if you read this big ass text post, thank you for indulging me, i hope you enjoyed it! because i enjoy it very much 👀 so stick around if you’d like to for a shit load of IZ and zadr content on this blog, possibly (MAYBE) even from me!! come roll around in alien hell with me why dontcha ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ its a fun time! thanks for reading!!!

SO THAT’S MY MANIFESTO Y’ALL, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH YOUR OWN REASONS!! I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS POST TO JUST BECOME A BIG GIANT PILE OF LOVE AND YELLING!! GO NUTS! SCREAM ABOUT IT! INFODUMP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I’LL READ EVERY LAST REPLY! Y’ALL DESERVE TO ENJOY YOUR SHIP BC IT’S LITERALLY THE FUCKING BEST!!! LOVE Y’ALL!!!!!!

#in this trying time of shippers being stressed over discourse #i offer a gift<3 because i love you guys #and we should spread the love #i want yall to go OFF #tell me every little fuckin thing about zadr that makes ur heart doki OK #LETS GO 👏👏👏#invader zim #zadr #text post #my post #long post

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chilligyu · 5 years ago

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info: choi seungcheol/gender neutral reader, teen+, soulmate au genre: angst, romance | word ct: 1.5k warnings: major character death, self-harm references, terminal illnesses summary: you were never meant to be loved, you knew and accepted that, but seungcheol was someone you couldn’t help loving. your soulmate, your fate, and you were destined to break his heart.

scars were meant to be ugly things, but to seungcheol he had never seen anything more beautiful. a proof of history, of love and life etched into his skin. a story written in blood. he was never ashamed of the marks he left in despair. they were proof that despite everything he had been through, he was alive.

then the day came when you left one on his wrist.

and then he finally understood what being alive truly meant.

seungcheol met you when both of you were too young to appreciate the meaning of soulmates. too young to appreciate or understand fate. the line on your wrist shifted slowly from white to pink, your eyes widened in surprise, his eyes only softened with love. he was the romantic, you were the realist. and as he stood in front of you, smiling affectionately, he knew you were everything he had been looking for, everything he ever wanted.

you would never admit that you had been looking for him too.

he was ready right then and there to sign his life away, you were a bit more hesitant. that didn’t bother him, and he did his best to prove that he was worth staying with. he did his best to prove that he was worthy of your love. his line was ebbed with red, showing beyond a doubt that he was falling head over heels in love. he fell hard and he fell fast.

things weren’t as simple for you. you were scared.

seungcheol did his best to be patient, it hurt him to watch you smile every day and have no part in it. working in such close proximity to your soulmate and being unable to interact with them; it was maddening. painful. but you were perfect and therefore worth waiting for. he knew you would come around.

and one day you finally did.

it was a late night when you were ready to fall in love. to be in love. you and seungcheol were out drinking at the bar, he was making you laugh, you were making him smile, god it was hard for you to breathe. and everything else melted away. your issues with your landlord, his struggles with his boss, all that existed in that moment was the two of you. two soulmates. two perfectly imperfect beings meant to be with each other. you thought about that fact often, that seungcheol was everything to you. whether or not you could accept it, the universe, fate, had already decided it.

perhaps you should give him a chance. the only chance worth having.

he was surprised when you kissed him. you were surprised too. it was sloppy, reckless, drunk, passionate, and it was everything he had ever dreamed of. you smelled like gin and roses, he loved it so much. months of desperation and yearning, all leading up to that one perfect moment in the most imperfect place. it was all worth it. you were always worth it. and watching the pink line on your wrist throb a reddish hue, seungcheol had seen true beauty.

your relationship was, in so few words, absolutely perfect. you laughed plenty, smiled even more, you felt stubbornly foolish for denying fate for so long when you could’ve been blissfully happy from the start. looking back, seungcheol didn’t care about any of that. you were with him, you were in love, you were happy. that's all he had ever wanted and more. seeing you and your matching red marks, nothing could ever take away from how he felt.

being together wasn’t without its struggles. he assured you every day that that’s how it was supposed to be. love requires work. being in love isn’t always easy, love isn’t always kind. perfection was fleeting. all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts. you both knew that, you accepted it. because there was one fact that was keeping you apart for all those months, the fear of the future.

a future without you in it.

that was something you never really wanted to admit but could hardly forget. you were not long for this world. you knew that you were sick when you met seungcheol, he knew too. when you met, it was already too late. you could vividly remember staring at the white line on your wrist in despair as the doctors gave your life an expiration date. you were going to die without meeting your soulmate. you knew that, you accepted that, you were going to die with that. dying without ever knowing true love, that broke your heart more than your fleeting life ever could.

but then you met seungcheol. then you met the most perfect person you could have ever imagined. and he was yours, every part of him was designed to meld into you seamlessly. the world decided that you would love someone so amazing, so beautiful and kind, and he would then suffer a broken heart for the rest of his life when fate stole you away from him. seungcheol deserved better. better than you.

you cried when your line turned pink, when you were hooked up to an oxygen tank and hadn’t been home in days. you cried and you just couldn’t bring yourself to stop. you cried because you so desperately wanted to be loved but you know you couldn‘t. you cried because you wanted to be selfish. you cried because seungcheol could only smile, he didn’t even care that whatever time you could share would be cut short by things out of your control. seungcheol loved you from the moment he set his eyes on you and god you would be selfish if you dared to love him back.

“my arms are littered with scars; it will be my pleasure to wear yours.”

you dared.

you dreamed.

and you decided to live while you still could.

for the most part, you were happy. which was such a new thing to you. you couldn’t remember the last time you allowed yourself to be so greedy, so self-serving. you couldn’t help it, seungcheol made everything feel so natural. he made you forget how hard it was for you to simply exist let alone live. as you choked on air, as your own body drowned you, it was seungcheol’s perfect smile that got you through it.

then came the lung transplant, something you had never considered until you met seungcheol. the surgery would extend your life for another year, you would get another year to be happy and be so blissfully in love that you could ignore everything else. you would never be cured, but at least you could live without choking on air for a little while. it wasn’t perfect, nothing would be. the only perfect thing in your life was the reason why you decided to live a little longer.

of course, you were only putting off the inevitable. for a few months you were fine, you almost felt normal for the first time in forever. seungcheol asked you to marry him, he put a perfectly plain engagement band on your finger and you felt like your heart had grown wings. you were married shortly after, not wanting to waste what little time you had left.

life was perfect for a short while, and then you got worse. you got worse, and even worse still, until you both knew what was going to happen. you kissed him goodbye on a rainy tuesday afternoon, and he refused to acknowledge what was about to happen. he told you a joke, one that you insisted that you hated but secretly loved. he knew you loved it, and he didn’t cry as you choked on your very last breath.

when you died, seungcheol wasn't sad in the traditional sense. you died smiling, laughing even, happier than you ever thought you could be. he had done that for you, he helped you live for almost two years. which was two years longer than you had ever planned. you met in an unconventional manner, both looking to be gone from a world that only insisted on hurting you, and he never regretted it. you made him feel alive.

as he held your hand, as he watched the red line he had loved with all his heart turn into a grotesque scar, he didn’t think of it as a goodbye. you would forever be etched into his skin, you lived on with him. you saved him as much as he had tried to save you. he kissed the line you left, he kissed you, and knew that he had never loved a scar more. he loved you, and you had loved him.

and that love would never leave him.

you would never leave him.

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msjr0119 · 5 years ago

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One Temptation

Part 7

*This series is based on The Royal Romance characters who belong to Pixelberry - AU Plot switch*

Riley Brooks moves back to New York after leaving five years prior- struggling to get by in life she wanted to go home. After getting mugged, a woman and man come to her rescue and offer her a job at their strip club. A rich business man Liam Rhys is forced to visit the club as part of his bachelor party. What will happen that night?

Warnings: Swearing 🤬 , Smut 🍋😔, rape 😭

Tags-if you want to be removed let me know 😊: @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @whenyourheartskipsabeat @jovialyouthmusic @nz1091 @yukinagato2012 @indiacater @seriouslybadchoices @rainbowsinthestorm @cordonianroyalty @dcbbw @qammh-blog @beardedoafdonutwagon @jared2612 @princess-geek @desiree-0816 @kaitycole

******

“How very touching Drake. Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“What do you want Liam?” Riley snapped at him.

“Oh don’t stop on my account. Go on Drake... do carry on. Do you want to go on a date with him Riley?”

“What I do with my life is none of your business! Drake, I’d love to go on a date with you.” Placing her hand into his, she looked up at him and smiled. “I better head back, I’m due at work soon.”

“Yes you’re due to degrade yourself yet again. What does a vet see in a stripper, I’ll never know.” He’s a vet?

“What does a rich man see in a ‘stripper’- I don’t dance or strip Liam, I work in the bar- so get your facts right.”

“Because I know what you are capable of. You always wanted to be a teacher, but you was a brilliant PA.”

“Life doesn’t always go to plan. You of all people should know that! Drake text me to arrange a date. I’m looking forward to it.” Kissing him on the cheek, she scowled at Liam as she walked away.

“It won’t last Drake. She will realise that you aren’t the one.”

“Oh Liam. Get over yourself. She doesn’t love you anymore.”

“But you believe that she will fall in love with you?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. At least I got her pregnant, something you will never do. See ya around BUDDY.” Emphasising the word buddy, he knew what he said was out of line - but enjoyed witnessing Liam’s face drop. Liam grit his teeth, pulling out his phone his dialled a number- hoping that google provided him with the correct number.

“Hello. Wildcats. Rita speaking.”

“Hi Rita. My name is Liam Rhys. I’m the one that caused trouble that night of my bachelor party.”

“Oh....Hello Mr Rhys. How may I help you?”

“Is it true what I’ve heard about the services you offer behind closed doors?”

“Yes it is. Why?”

“I will pay your club, $500k for me to use those services.”

“Of course Sir. I’ll organise it with my main girl Mercedes.”

“I am paying that much because I want a particular girl. Riley Brooks. I want her to have half the money or I’ll refuse to pay.”

“Sir, she doesn’t dance. She’s not comfortable doing what the other girls do, she’s our barmaid and waitress.”

“Do you want the money or not?” Rita remained silent for a bit, not knowing how to react to Liam’s now agressive tone of voice.

“I’ll organise it to be with Riley Sir. You have my word. When do you want to come?”

“Tonight.”

“Great. See you then Mr Rhys.”

Liam hung up smirking. This will put you off her Drake.

*****

Riley was saying her goodbyes to everyone- hugging savannah she faked a smile, not wanting to show everyone how she truly felt. Regret. Jealousy. Upset.

“Thank you for inviting me, but I have to go to work. I hope you have a good ending to your baby shower. When he’s born, I’ll come and see him- I’ll spoil him rotten.”

“Thanks Riley. If you ever need to talk just come over.” Riley knew what Savannah was referring to- before her eyes began to form tears, she quickly thought about how rubbish Bertrand was as a babysitter.

“I’ll come and babysit, Show Bertrand how to really babysit.”

“You’ll have to tell me the stories one day.” Savannah giggled to herself.

“It wasn’t my fault that you and Maxwell were nightmares to look after. Look after yourself Riley.” As she turned to leave, Drake arrived and pulled her to the side, urgency kissing her.

“What was that for?”

“A goodbye kiss. So now you know my secret about being a vet, you must know that I like animals. Rather than go on a date, how about you come to Texas for a long weekend with me- to my family ranch?”

“Really? You want to take me to your home?”

“Yes, really. It’ll get us away from all these morons. Arrange a weekend with your boss and we will go.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know when I get to work. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Good. I’ll ring you later.” Drake couldn’t wipe the smile off his face, as he watched her walk away.

*****

Riley nervously walked into the strip club, running up to her room- she quickly got a shower and dressed in her uniform. Hesitantly walking downstairs to the office, she knocked on the door. Opening it, Rita was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

“Wow Rita. Have you robbed a bank? Where’d you get all this money from?”

“A punter dropped it off before. He’s coming back later. Do you need me babe?”

“I was wondering if I could have next weekend off? Friday to Monday, I’ll be back to work Tuesday night. I know it’s only a weeks notice but I’d really appreciate it.”

“Sure baby. Have as much time off that you need.” Okay that was easy.

“Thank you so much.”

“No problem. Here have a drink. I’ve got a good feeling about tonight.” Rita smiled, she had placed drugs in the drink. When Liam dropped the money off he explained it would be hard to convince Riley and suggested this. Rita cared for her girls, but she cared more about money and the clubs reputation. Riley accepted the drink, and left the office.

Hey, Drake. She said I could have as much time off as I needed. Texas here we come 😊🙌🏼x

Hey! That’s great! I’ll let my mom know. You’ll love it x

I’m looking forward to it. I’ve never been to Texas before. Do Texan cowboys really exist? X

I can be a cowboy for you? 😉 x

Are you flirting with me Walker? X

Maybe? Once we are there I’ll take you on a romantic date. Have a good shift. I’ll ring you later 😘x

I’ll try. Talk later cowboy 🤠😉😘x

*****

Riley couldn’t concentrate at work, the usual punters were in- drooling over the girls. Watching the clock, she knew she had four hours left. Now knowing the days leading up to Texas would drag. She was unsure about what her relationship was with Drake. Could they get over the termination and be a sincere couple? She hoped so. Rita had kept providing her with drinks throughout the night, she became more and more drunk quickly.

Leaving the bar unattended, she needed to find Rita to ask for cover as she was feeling too ill to work- falling over, some strong arms picked her up and held her.

“Riley are you okay?”

“Li-Liam? Wha- what are you .... doing here?” She slurred, feeling worse now than she was thirty seconds prior.

“I thought I’d come and apologise for my behaviour before.”

“It’s fine.. just accept that myself and Drake could be more than friends. Please Li.” Liam noticed Rita and nodded at her, waving at him he carried Riley over to the secluded back room.

“Riley baby I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you- but he offered us a lot of money, you are keeping half of it.”

“Why are we in this room? I belong behind the fucking goddamn bar Rita!” Still feeling dizzy, Rita passed her some water encouraging her to drink it

“Not tonight baby. This is good for us all. You’ll thank me. He’s your ex so it should be easy. Just do the deed, do what he wants you to do. Remember you owe me, I have looked after you all these months.”

“NO!”

“Riley! Do as I say! Or you’ll have no roof over your head and no job!”

“Riley, this is the closure that I need. One last time with you. Please. And you’ll walk away with thousands of bucks.”

“I don’t want you. I don’t want your money. I’m not a prostitute Liam. All those years ago, all I wanted was for you to love me. Not hurt me. Rita can you leave us alone to talk please.”

“Sure. I’m so sorry Riley. But we need this money. Please don’t let me down.” Riley grimaced at her boss, if she threw her out and sacked her she had options. Moving back in with Maxwell. Sharing with Drake.

“Riley, I’ve never stopped loving you. I regret everything that I’ve done. If you want to be with Drake can’t I just have this last time with you?”

“No liam how many times? No! Do you know how many times I wanted to forgive you? To forget what happened? I slept with Leo for god sake just to have that slight bit of fun- to forget about you for a slight bit of time. Then I come back and find out you have a daughter. I am willing to be friends with you. But you keep pushing me further away.”

“Sleep with me. One last time. Then I will leave you alone. Or a drink? We can talk about the old days to get closure.”

“I’ll agree to the drink, then you get the hell out of here and never come back!”

“Deal.” Liam poured the drink, before adding the secret ingredient. I love you Riley, and I’m going to make you mine again.

“So... why did you never go back to school? Train as a teacher. I could see by drakes expression that you never told him about your dreams.”

“I’m too old now Liam. I’m getting by in life. That’s all that matters.”

“You’re never too old to learn. You’d make a fantastic teacher Riley. You should look into it.”

“Even if I wanted to I couldn’t afford it, I used my grans inheritance to pay off debts. My life has just been one rollercoaster since you did what you did.”

“I could have paid your debts off. You should have come back to me. I’ll pay for you to go back to school.”

“Thank you but no thanks.” Riley decided to drink from bottle in front of them, needing it before hearing anymore of Liam’s bullshit fake personality. Whilst tying her hair back, Liam added more of the drug into the bottle without her noticing. They remained in silence, Liam getting closer to her every second that went by. He noticed her become less defensive and fall into his arms.

“What .... does she have.... that I didn’t?”

“Who?”

“Mad- Madeleine.”

“Nothing Riley. You are worth so much more than she is. I was an idiot, I was thinking with my dick rather than my head and heart. We are having a charity event for the company in a couple of days. I’d like you to come, you did a lot for the company. I won’t tell Drake that you are attending.”

“Sure. Whatever. Is she better.... at sex than I am? Is she... better at oral? I...I can’t ... get my head... around why I ..lost you...”

“No. She was easy. I fucked her. With you I made love. I want you back Riley.”

“Li... no... I love Drake... Drake.. he was the father of our child.... I love him... not you...”

“Riley, you’re not going to remember this. But I have had it recording since we walked into this room just in case you don’t believe me.”

*****

Riley woke up the morning after, not knowing where she was. Her head was spinning, her mouth was dry. Scrutinising the room for clues, she still couldn’t distinguish where she was. Her vision was blurred, seeing her clothes on the floor she quickly got dressed. Just in time before someone walked through the door.

“Morning Belle.” Fuck!

“You look poorly. Have you got some plasters in your bag your arms hurt. I can put it on for you this time.” Riley was shaking uncontrollably, wondering how she ended up in Liam’s bed. “Belle? Do you want me to get daddy? He said you had a grown ups sleepover.”

“Alice, do you know where my phone is?”

“It’s on the table, daddy’s been looking after it.” Storming out of the room, Liam smirked at her- holding her phone out to her. Panicking that he had been checking through her phone she was grateful that she deleted previous texts from Drake.

Hey, I tried to ring but you’re obviously busy at work. I’ll talk tomorrow x

Yes it’s really busy. Sorry talk tomorrow. X

“What the fuck Liam? You text Drake?”

“Alice is here. Don’t swear. I could have told him what happened between us. But I didn’t- so you could say thank you.”

“What happened? How did I end up here?”

“Alice, go and get dressed please.”

“Yes daddy. Bye belle.”

“We talked about the past. I offered to pay your debts off. Feeling sentimental, we had both drank a lot. I asked you to come back here and you agreed. We slept together Ri. I had my closure. I have a video of us, if you want to see it.”

“You made a fucking porno??? Are you fucking insane???? Why won’t you leave me the fuck alone? I don’t even remember it!”

“I drugged you as did Rita. I needed to feel you one last time.” Riley didn’t give a shit if Alice was lingering in the shadows-

“How dare you drug me! Show me the video now!” You son of a bitch! I’m sending this to myself, then to the police.

Liam ripped Riley’s top off, after they shared a passionate forced kiss- he tossed it on to the floor before pulling her on to him. Her body was swaying, she was still slurring her words- but at this moment in time he didn’t care. Seeing her perky breasts in front of him it was tempting him more than ever even though he felt slightly guilty about drugging her to get what he wanted. “Li, I don’t... want... this.. I need... my bed... I love Drake.” When will she shut up about Drake, he thought angrily. Pressing his lips firmly against hers, the tip of his tongue reached out- sliding across her lips. “Drake...”

“I’m not fucking Drake, Riley. It’s Liam!”

“I wa-want Drake... I’m not well...” Liam needed to ignore the fact that she wasn’t in love with him anymore- rather than kiss her he devoured her. Forcing her to lay down on the chaise longue, he was now directly between her thighs grinding his erection against her. Liam moved his lips towards her neck; kissing, biting and sucking the skin. Riley tried to push him away- but was lacking energy, barely able to keep her eyes open. “I love you Ri. I always will do. I can’t let you go.”

“Please.... please Liam.”

“Please what? I’m hard for you Riley, I want you. Do you want me?”

“Please... please don’t...”

“You’ll enjoy it Ri, like the old days when I made you moan my name all night long.”

Moving her skirt up, his hands explored finally reaching the lacy thong. Pushing it to the side, his fingers rubbed her clit hard in circles. Sliding his fingers into her core, he pumped her deep- feeling her cum made him smirk. “That’s it baby, carry on and cum for me again.” Riley had passed out, taking the opportunity fumbled with his belt, removing his trousers and boxers just enough to free his immense hard on. Running his tip between her folds, he forced his penis inside of her- tilting her pelvis up to give him a better angle. Riley was in and out of consciousness, “are you enjoying it baby?” He asked as he pounded her. “Drake?”

“It’s me Liam, Drake isn’t here. It’s just you and I.”

“Get... get off me Liam.”

“Moan for me baby. You’re so wet.” Riley tried to push him away- but he was too forceful. Continuing to roll his hips, he knew he was due to cum- slowing down his movements, he growled as he exploded inside her. Resting his forehead on hers, he kissed her on hers whilst slowing down his breathing.

“Yes, so you raped me. How the fuck did we end up here?”

“I made love to you Riley. You are my true love. I carried you out to my limo. It brought us here. We had sex again. Then I cuddled you all night.” Riley’s skin crawled, she felt dirty and ashamed that she could trust people and allow this to happen to her.

“You fucking raped me you moron!”

“What’s rape daddy?” Riley turned around to Alice, bending down she looked in to the little girl’s eyes.

“Alice, I didn’t mean to use that word. Daddy and me were old friends. That word means we aren’t friends anymore. This ‘sleepover’ was a goodbye. Look after yourself little princess.”

“Okay. Bye belle. Daddy, my nanny is here. I’ll see you later.”

“Love you Princess.” Liam bent down and kissed his daughter goodbye. Riley waiting to hear the door close.

“Stay the fuck away from me Liam! Never touch me ever again.”

“You are still coming to the charity event aren’t you?”

“No I’m fucking not! Goodbye!”

“If you don’t come, I’ll tell Drake.”

“You wouldn’t dare tell him that you raped me.”

“No I’ll tell him that the slut of a girl he is in love with, threw herself at me. I’ll see you at the event.” The jokes on you Liam, I have the video on my phone- for evidence. Arsehole.

“Go fuck yourself!” Storming out the door, she didn’t know where to go. Her boss someone she thought she could trust gave more of a shit about money. Deciding to go to the strip club, she grabbed essential items- and booked herself in at a hotel.

*****

A couple of days later it was the charity event, Riley had spoken to Drake over text- but kept texts simple. She was still furious with Liam. Considering going to the police, she knew even with the video evidence that he would crawl out of it somehow- most likely using his money to bail him out.

Leo picked Riley up with Olivia. Feeling like a gooseberry, she did however feel grateful for them escorting her to the charity event.

“You look amazing Ri. Are you sure you want to go? I can use some lame excuse.” Riley smiled at Leo, taking a deep breath- she nodded her head.

Arriving at the venue, Liam’s eyes widened seeing the trio make their entrance- his gaze mainly focusing on Riley.

“Riley you look beautiful as always. I’ll get you a drink- follow me.” Riley hesitated, Leo noticed her reaction. Even though he was now in a relationship with Olivia, he still deeply cared for Riley and always would do- he would even defend her over his own flesh and blood.

“Oh little brother, you can buy us a drink too if you are feeling generous.”

“I’d appreciate a word alone with Riley if you don’t mind.”

“It’s fine Leo. Enjoy your night with Olivia.”

“If he hurts you or anything, ring me.” Leo whispered, knowing how his brothers personality had changed since Riley had returned to New York. Knowing that Drake hadn’t been invited to the event made her feel like a traitor. Hoping that Liam would just accept friendship and her support for his company was going to be hard to convince him.

“I’m glad you decided to come.” Accepting the drink off him, he noticed her hesitantly drink it.

“Well you did bribe me! I’m not doing this for you. I worked for this company- no matter what happened between us in the past I will support the company.”

“In the past? What about the other night?”

“You took advantage of me. Seeing my bosses eyes light up wafting your wallet around- of course she would agree to your arrangement. I don’t know who you are anymore Liam, money and power has changed you.”

“I’m still me.”

“No you’re not. If you ever loved me, you’d let me go. Let me live my life. Yet you believe you know what’s best for me.”

“Drake isn’t the one for you. You didn’t even know what he did for a living until the baby shower. I can look after you, Alice adores you- all she talks about is you. We can be that family that you always wanted. You can work for me, have your old job back. Please Ri.”

“No. I’m content at the strip club, when arseholes like you don’t come in. I’m going to tell Drake what happened that night, if he doesn’t want anything to do with me - fair enough. If he does, then I am going to go on a date with him as planned. I had a family and I let my child down. Do not try and tell me what I want Liam or what is best for me.”

“We had sex!”

“It meant nothing to me Liam. I was forced into it by you and Rita. Excuse me, I’m going to find Maxwell. Please do not follow me.” Grabbing her wrist, she slapped him across the face. Immediately letting go of her, the sting still lingered. “I mean it liam, stay away from me or I’ll advertise to the whole company what you did to me. I believe I am being extremely stupid even stringing a sentence to you. Even considering to be nice to you.”

“I didn’t rape you Riley.”

“Of course you didn’t! You are fucking stupid, delusional. Get out of my face Liam. Even when I was half a fucking sleep, who’s name did I keep saying on that porno you created? Drake! Not you! Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“Is everything okay here?” Leo watched the pair since she they were on their own, keeping an eagle eye on every movement- it was now time to intervene as Riley slapped Liam across the face.

“Everything is fine. I was just saying goodbye to your brother for good. He thinks it’s acceptable to drug and rape women who he apparently loves.”

“I didn’t rape you! How many times?”

“Oh Leo, he even recorded it.”

“She was drunk, she was begging for it.”

“I was begging for you to stop. I wanted Drake. Not you. I’m leaving.” Leo grit his teeth, wanting to beat the shit out of his brother. He knew Riley wouldn’t lie about something like this.

“Mr Rhys? May I have a word?” Liam nodded, excusing himself from Leo- both brothers pulled out their phone, each sending a text to Drake.

Drake I’m really sorry, but myself and Riley slept together the other night. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this. But I think she wants to give it another go.

Drake you need to ring me ASAP! It’s about Riley and Liam.

Leo put the phone away, as he did he had a notification. Assuming it was Drake, it was a video attachment- Leo watched, and began crying.

“What’s up?” Olivia and Maxwell came over to see what the matter was with Leo- not really wanting to show the two of them what Riley had sent, he felt the need to for her sake. To get everyone on her side. Seeing their eyes widen, and their jaws agape, he was glad Riley secretly sent it to herself and forwarded it to him. It was her way in asking for help and support.

“Holy shit! Where is he? I’m going to kill him.”

“Leave my brother to me max! Go to your place, I’ll meet you there. I need to speak to Drake.”

******

Knocking on the door, Riley hoped he was in- she was going to tell him the truth, hoping he would listen to her. If she had lost him for good, there was no point in staying in New York.

“Thank god you’re in, we need to talk.”

“Riley, I’m actually busy.” He responded in a melancholy tone of voice. Receiving the text off Liam, broke his heart. Riley walked into the apartment ignoring his bullshit excuse.

“You’ve packed early. We’re not going to Texas until Friday.”

“You’re not going to Texas. I’m going there now.”

“What?”

“You heard me Riley. Live your life with Liam, I know. He text me and told me. I hope you’re both very happy together.”

“What did he text you?” Showing her the text, her nostrils flared.

“Drake he’s lying. It’s not that. I want to be with you. He means nothing to me. I was looking forward to spending time with you.”

“Maybe you should have thought about that before Riley. I’m not angry, I’m hurt that I found out from him. I thought we had something, we was going to put things behind us- move on. You both have a lot more history, I’m happy for you.”

“Drake?” Ignoring her, he picked up his bags and left the apartment. Wiping the tears that he had held in - he shook his head. Riley fell to the floor crying uncontrollably, texting Maxwell she hoped he would come back.

*****

Maxwell left the event immediately, as he arrived he saw Drake loading his truck.

“Where are you going?”

“Texas. Why?”

“Have you seen Riley? I need to make sure she’s okay. I fucking hate Liam.”

“Yes, she’s in the apartment. I’ve said goodbye.”

“How can you leave after what happened?”

“Why not? She’s with Liam now. He told me that.” Showing the text, Maxwell was furious. Asking Leo to quickly forward the video to him, he needed to show Drake that Riley was innocent.

“Just wait, Leo’s sending me something. Don’t go just yet.” Drake rolled his eyes back, the longer he stayed here the more it was hurting. “Here. Sit down. Watch it. It’s not nice. Riley loves you Drake. Don’t leave her.” Drake looked at Maxwell, who put his head down as the video began. Watching the video made him feel sick, regretting believing Liam over Riley- he abandoned the bags and ran back into the apartment.

“Riley?” Seeing her in the kitchen, he ran up to her- holding her tightly. Tilting her chin up, he placed a gentle kiss on her lips. Maxwell walked in, leaning against the doorframe- he smiled softly at the two of them. “I’m so sorry. If I see him, I’m going to kill him with my bare hands. I love you too.”

“How do you know I love you?”

“Leo, sent the video to max who showed me. Stopped me from leaving. Don’t be mad at them.”

“I’m so sorry, I let him do that to me. I don’t remember. Rita drugged me too. He gave her a shit ton of money to do it.” Unable to stop the tears, Maxwell came over to the two of them. Pulling her in for a hug, he was hoping that Leo wasn’t going to do anything stupid.

“Ri, stay here with us. We will both protect you. Leave the strip club, I’ll help you find another job. Please.”

“Max is right, I’ll provide for the two of us.”

“You could provide for the three of us with your wage packet.” Maxwell winked at Drake, hoping she would listen to their advise.

“You better be joking Beaumont, I’ll provide for her not for you too. Riley, we will go to Texas tomorrow. Together. As planned but a few days earlier. I’m self employed, so we can go for as long as you need. Besides Maxwell can spend some alone time with the new lady in his life without me feeling like a gooseberry.”

“Oh just like I felt like a gooseberry when you two fucked for the first time. I’m gonna go to sleep guys, don’t go awol without saying bye. Night besties.” Drake led Riley to his bedroom, throwing her a top to wear- he stripped down into his underwear. Turning around, the top was still where he threw it, Riley was sat up in bed naked- biting her bottom lip. God she looks so sexy when she does that.

“Are we sleeping naked now?” He asked in a seductive tone of voice. Crawling on to the bed and up towards her, he had an immediate erection. For months he was hoping to see her like this again. As he got within reach, Riley pulled him closer- placing her lips onto his chest. Providing light kisses, his hands explored her body. Arching her back, she moaned as he kissed her neck.

“Drake, don’t stop. I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry for everything that has happened.”

“Don’t be sorry, none of it is your fault.”

“The termination was my fault, I called that decision- a decision I’ve regretted ever since. Liam, everything to do with him is my fault.”

“At the time, I disagreed with that decision- I was being selfish. I wish we didn’t do it, but looking back it was for the best. Liam who? We need to erase him out of our life.”

“Can we start over? A fresh new start?”

“Sure, what I said at the baby shower- I meant it. I’ll protect you from now on, I’ll love you. In the future, if we are still as we are- we can try for a baby. It won’t ever replace the first one.” Laying next to her, she snuggled into his embrace.

“You mean if we are officially dating. In a relationship.”

“Yes. Who knows you may not be able to keep your hands off me, you may fall madly in love with me and marry me.”

“‘Maybe.” Riley giggled to herself, loosening his grip on her- they began kissing again as if their lives depended on it.

“Jesus you two! Cover up!” Both jumping, they were grateful that they had only got to first base. Pulling the duvet up to cover their naked bodies, they both turned around to face Leo.

“Leo... who’s blood is that on your hands?”

#choices trr #drake walker #the royal romance #riley brooks #drake x riley #drake x mc #liam x mc #liam rhys #evil liam #maxwell beaumont #bertrand beaumont #savannah walker #olivia nevrakis #leo rhys #trr fan fic

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pilferingapples · 5 years ago

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Shoelace Fandom!!! Shoelace Fandom!!! Aaa okay, Nerval or Borel? Or if you want, Feuilly for Les Mis? :D

He Just oh wow Many Lots , thank you for the distraction!

Borel:

First impression: I’m certain it was just reading someone mention on a post that he was something of an inspiration for Bahorel’s character. I thought “ oh, I love Bahorel, that’s so funny , I should look into that.”

Impression now- WELL GEE HE SURE AS HECK WAS I FRIGGING GUESS , who gave this fictional character a gateway into existing in real life?? how was this an actual person?? ..also, following on that: how did this apparently somehow For Real Actual Person who was, by the account of pretty much everyone who even saw him across a crowded theater just once, one of the loudest, most noticeable, most standout people in a movement full of incredibly noticeable people managed to just do a History Fade?? if it weren’t a few minor historical artifacts I’d be half convinced he was a persona the Young Romantics made up as a symbol and group pseudonym for their most controversial work!

Favorite moment: ...the guy is nothing but Alarming Stories By Friends but I think him demolition-ing his own construction project because someone wanted it to look Neoclassical is surely one of the best, even if it is apocryphal (and I don’t know that it is even!! we all know he would! )

Idea for a story: ...what could I even make up about him as a person/character that people don’t already say he actually diduh Sentaii AU? Sentai AU. The Jeunes France as a whole are so prime for it , anyway- they even color coded themselves! how often are historical groups that convenient for us, really XD

Unpopular opinion: definitely not uncommon in our tiny cenacle , but I think his role in the Romanticist /weirdo artist community is still underestimated--extremely so, even. but if I get into that more, this will get WAY too long for a three character ask game..!XD

Favorite relationship: ...dang it I really want to know more about him and Gerard , they seem to have been incredibly close for a while in a very particular way (and no I do not mean just ‘ probably they were sleeping together’ , that’s almost a given in this group, but they seem to have had a particular...I don’t know, Understanding Of Mutual Strangeness? , that really stands out between two people who were, yes,both notably Unusual but in very different ways)

Favorite headcanon- I appreciate how we all seem to have accepted that Petrus Borel Never Dies, he will Forever Appear Bearing Illegal Literature In Times of Social Disorder. It’s What He’d Want.

Nerval

First impression- this one I actually heard about outside of LM fandom first...as “ the guy with the lobster” . Well.

Impression now-- oh geez I’m super emotional about him, BUT: I think he’s been unfairly treated by even a lot of his post-death fans in being reduced to a Tragic Figure? Reading his own actual work, and even his personal letters, he’s strikingly funny, self-aware, and aggressively engaged with the world in a way I often find missing from writers considered to be more “ realistic” . I admire the hell out of how he managed to write out so much of his own vision of the world and stay so curious and involved in life while dealing with severe untreatable mental health issues and the nightmareverse that was the first-half-of-19C France.

Favorite moment- LET’S GO TO OLYMPUS , it’s just one God Mountain, how far can it be??

Idea for a story- ..listen if I could work out how I want a Magnus Archives AU to resolve--- ! but I can’t! but I keep thinking about it!!

Unpopular opinion- I really do not like the way he gets talked about as a Helpless Tragic Figure? He managed to have a full, independent life, travel, write, work with some of the most famous people of his day, and was a central figure in his own community,while dealing not only with the problem of his mental illness but the really terrifying situation of how people in the 19th century treated people with mental illness. I get exhausted dealing with ableism now, he was out there looking people in the eye who knew he’d been institutionalized and were openly surprised he was out again and he was still demanding respect. Badass.

Favorite relationship- see above, but I also want to know more about his relationship with his mother’s family, especially his aunt?

Favorite headcanon- He Just Turned Into a Bird And Flew Away, Okay

Feuilly:

First impression

“ ...why is he so hung up on Poland? Is he Okay?” (listen, I was 21, I am a USAn, my knowledge of international history was Not Super)

Impression now

We should cut all Gillenormand’s big speeches and give the pagetime to Feuilly to talk about International Affairs. No but seriously, he’s come to have such a distinct personality to me through his Symbolism and his tiny moments in the barricade sequence ! I love him, he deserves More Time-- and yet I realize if Hugo actually put More Time into writing a specific worker that would probably have been Not Great, so...good job knowing your limits on this maybe, Hugo??(also I remain baffled that an Orphan With A Mysterious Past in a sprawling 19C novel never has that past examined even a little , he’s just an orphan! we don’t know why! we never learn anything about his family! it’s practically daring.)

Favorite moment

His sense of betrayal at the barricade! It’s such an idealistic moment--even after 1830, he really expected the high-profile republican leadership to come through for them!-- and I really appreciate that at least one of the fighters there gets to be angry that they’ve been left out to dry (they were! they really were!) instead of needing to be Better Than That.

Idea for a story

..if I were going to try to write fic, I would probably try to write the series where Feuilly has Various Roommates, with Hilarious Results :D I’d also love more research-powered fic about him in his life outside the Amis group? the One Guy in the atelier (who’s not the boss/shop owner) is a really interesting hook!

Unpopular opinion

..I don’t think of him as a redhead, still :P --Is it still Relatively Unpopular to think that Feuilly is popular? I don’t think he’s an isolated person outside of Les Amis at all; he’s a community-minded guy who cares warmly about other people and seems like he’s especially concerned with the situation for immigrants, there are surely more invitations and requests for his company than he can ever answer on his schedule.

Favorite relationship

--with Enjolras, both for what (tragically little ) we see of it, and for the sheer Symbolism XD

Favorite headcanonPractically everything about Feuilly’s life is headcanon!XD-but probably my favorite is that he’s an oblivious Neighborhood Dreamboat with a dozen people swooning over him. He doesn’t mind! He doesn’t notice! He thinks it’s just great how everyone in his apartment is happy to talk about international justice!

#...well that took a while #but it's a lot of asks !#thank you!#long post #four people and a shoelace #aflamethatneverdies #answereds

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chiserendipity · 4 years ago

Text

Why 2020 has Changed Me Forever - and Why I'm Grateful for That

*Warning, this deals with emotional and physical abuse, trauma and just is really long. Please do not reblog or repost this post.*

I'm just gonna say it. 2020 as a year has been terrible on a global scale with the pandemic, and the oppression of many people across the world. However, 2020 has allowed us to both reflect personally and on the world around us and demand change. I think that makes 2020 a great year for growth and shouldn't be merely dismissed because we couldn't go to concerts, have large parties, or the hot girl summer we hoped for. Real change is happening before our eyes, a movement for equal rights and to end the the endless cycle of oppression and suffering for not only the black community, but minority groups whether that be race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, religion, those with mental or physical disability, the poor, and so many more. Yes the world is seemingly in shambles. But guess what? We have nothing but time to try and fix it now. To demand better. Both for our communities and ourselves.

Personally, I feel 2020 really pushed pause on my life and asked me "what are doing?" "why are you doing this to yourself?" and "what do you want from life?" I began looking at what I had become and I was disgusted with myself and how I decided to try and cope with past trauma. Before corona, I found myself in a very dark place mentally with seemingly no way out. I would have panic attacks repeatedly and just cry myself to sleep many nights (despite not getting very much). My endometriosis was continually getting worse with every flare up (probably from all my stress). I had no direction and very little motivation to continue.

Then, the virus hit. Once I was sent home and online classes began, I had time to stop and catch my breath. To look around at my life and really ask what I was doing wrong. As young people we tend to give ourselves a pass for poor behavior and bad decisions, or even encourage it. I realized I was falling victim to my own anger, bitterness, anxiety, and depression that had haunted me for years and it was finally rearing its ugly head. I had been suffering from depression and anxiety for years but that spring semester while still on campus was different. My moods began to swing from a hyperactive anxious state to a haunting and chilling depression that made me want to stay in my room and hide. I didn't really get much sleep in either state. But, now back home all alone and with nowhere to go. No class to dive head first into. No parties to dance the night away. No kickbacks to chill at. Just me and my monstrous thoughts. At first my overwhelming thoughts were suffocating. I would question "what is wrong with me? Why can't I get my moods under control? Why must every facet of my being so overwhelmingly broken?" Then as classes began to finish, and with the help of antidepressants, I finally started to feel a shift. I started unpacking my compartmentalized trauma I had shoved away for years in a desperate attempt to leave it the past. People always say the past is the past, but the past will never not be apart of your journey. Without properly dealing with the past, it'll always show up again in your present reeking havoc in your day to day life.

With meditation, therapy, medication, and a lot of self reflection through videos about helping your inner child, I realized I didn't know me. My life had always in some way shape or form been controlled by others. I was assigned the role "golden child" by a narcissistic father who demanded I perform that role perfectly. Even as a child, I was taught to ignore my pain and sadness and push through, because my feelings didn't matter. I was fed, lived in a nice house and had nice clothes and whatever I asked for. That was enough to prove my father’s love for me; in his eyes. I lived merely to please. As I aged this mentality seeped into my romantic life as well. My feelings always came last so I began to simply just turn them off until I became an emotionless shell. Acting as a robot, I went to school and grinded myself to the bone in all my AP and IB classes. Joined all the community based clubs and took leadership roles. At 16 I even got started working 20+ hour weeks. Meanwhile, I had to surgeries courtesy of endometriosis. The first was a emergency surgery due to a ruptured ovarian cyst and the second to dislodge my right ovary from my abdominal wall since the endometrial lining cemented the two together.

I remember complaining about cramps and my father punched me saying, "Toughen up”. My father said things like that all the time and didn't want to discuss my chronic illness or mental health. When I was 16 I admitted to having suicidal thoughts and a previous attempt a few years back and he responded that was "white girl bullshit". Another time,my father cussed me out in a pizza shop for wanting a margarita pizza calling me a stupid bitch in front of everyone in the restaurant. He constantly mocked my choice for my major and university, saying that majoring in marine science was idiotic and I'd do better in political science and studying at Vanderbilt. Pain wasn't allowed. Feelings wasn't allowed. Choice wasn't allowed. Only thing that was allowed was to do the work expected. To be "perfect".

Finally I was beginning to understand that after being told my entire life that I was nothing more than robot with marching orders, the lack of orders now that I had cut my father out of my life was causing me to feel that I had no purpose at all. I had never known freedom, and it was was now suffocating me. Now knowing this, I was able to start retraining by brain and discover who I wanted to be. My feelings were valid. I wasn't just my report card or my ACT score or my medals and academic awards. My body while it doesn't function like it should, it is still worthy of love and respect. I wasn't insane for my moods fluctuating and I just needed help to get where I needed mentally to function. And that's okay. I had to start being me and living for me, not for the approval of others. Savannah the person, not the robot, matters. I matter.

This was when I had a spiritual awakening of my soul and ego, truly deep diving on how to heal from my past. I spent hours watching videos and discovering how to dismantle the false self I had created to appease those around me and stop acting as a emotional crutch for others whilst ignoring my own emotions. I began to recognize the trauma bonds I formed with exes and current friends. I choose to associate with those who encouraged these negative social responses and bad coping mechanisms. I was merely re-entering patterns that begun in my childhood.

From our earliest years, the ego is formed. Our deepest need is to gain love + approval from our parents + caregivers. The ego, in an attempt to protect creates a concept of self identity in alignment with what we believe will give us this love.We begin to say "I am smart" or "I am strong" or "I am bad at x." We internalize the beliefs of our parents about who we are + who other people are + how the world is. All of this ego identity unconscious. Because we are not taught about our egos, we are unaware they exist. So we operate as if we ARE the ego. This brings us a ton of our own suffering + shame. It makes us feel "stuck" + unable to escape our learned patterns. That's what ego does: keeps us repeating the past. Ego work is the process of questioning the ego stories that are just thoughts + not "reality." Becoming conscious to this allows us to access CHOICE in how we respond.

- @the.holistic.psychologist

Now aware of my ego and really getting to the heart of why I'm bad at sharing my feelings and why in past relationships I was described as "distant" and "inattentive" but also “good listener but won’t open up”. Today, I can honestly say I'm no longer in that dark place I was before. I'm beginning to relearn the things I loved and truly appreciate them. I'm being the true goofy, silly, marine scientist I always wanted to be. I have friends who do care about me and I've tried to open up more emotionally. Of course I have a long way to go and constant improvement is necessary. 2020 allowed me to return to myself, not the burnt out, bitter and depressed woman I had become. I'm happy 2020 happened and for the first time in years, I'm excited for what the future brings.

#self reflection #2020 #my 2020 #short narrative #black writer #female writer #writeblr #black writers #black female writers #new writer #new writing #tw suicide #tw abuse #tw depression

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