#rodin is beat uncle

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #1157: Early Surprise Gifts (SSBU X River City Girls X Bayonetta)

7:45 p.m. at the New Donk City's Glorious Hotel Room......

Dark Pit: (Let's Out a Bit of a Heavily Sigh While Laying Down on his Bed)

Yoshi: (Sits Down on the Edge of his Bed) What got you so down today? Did Christmas Fanatic Duo got to you again?

Dark Pit: No, not yet surprisingly. Its Misako and Kyoko....I think I'm starting to miss them already.

Yoshi: That quickly, huh? You could always try and video chat them.

Dark Pit: Yeah, but....it won't feel like the same really. Plus, those chatting apps drains my tablet's battery more quicker than usual nowadays, so I'm not even gonna bother trying at this point.

Yoshi notices Misako and Kyoko sneaking inside their room, the latter happily waving at him and the former silently telling him to keep quiet before hiding both sides of their boyfriend's bed.

Yoshi: (Snickers a Teensy Bit) Yeah, that's a....('Clears Throat') Real travesty alright, I'll tell you what.

Dark Pit: ('Scoffs') Please. It's not that big of a deal. I could always text them on daily, maybe even make two snowmen of them whenever we do get snow around here.

?????: (Climbs Up on One Side of the Bed) Or we could just chill and cuddle for a while~

??????: (Climbs Up on the Other Side of the Bed Holding Up a Mistletoe in the Air) Maybe have a little Mistletoe action in between~

Dark Pit: Yeah, I guess that cou- (Eyes Suddenly Begins to Widened) W-W-WAIT A MINUTE! (Turns to One Side) Misako!? (Turns to the Other Side) Kyoko!? You actually here right now!?

Misako: (Forms a Cheeky Grin on her Face) We're laying right next to you, aren't we?~

Kyoko: (Happily Hugs Her Boyfriend) And you're gonna be stuck with us for the rest of the month, so you better get used to it~ (Gives Pitto Five Kisses on the Cheek)

Dark Pit: (Hears Yoshi Chuckling Before Turning Back to Him) You knew they were here this whole time?

Yoshi: (Casually Shrugs) Only when they sneaked their way in here, which kinda makes me wonder how they made in the city in first place honestly.

Dark Pit: (Looks Back and Forth at his Girlfriends) Yeah how DID you two get here exactly?

?????: You can thank me for that.

Pitto and Yoshi turns to see the Fallen Angel, Rodin standing, laying his back on the side of the doorway, taking a smoke on his cigar.

Dark Pit: Uncle Rodin? You're the one who brought them here?

Rodin: Yep. (Designate the Cigar to Ashes into Thin Air Before Walking in the Room) These two ladies 0f yours are accompany me on this family vacation of yours. They happened to bumped into me after I left that long ass line behind.

Kyoko: (Smiles Brightly) He was so kind of us to take us with him through that cool looking portal of his!~

Yoshi: How did you girls managed to convinced him to go with him?

Misako: Oh we has our ways.

Flashback

Misako and Kyoko were already on their knees begging Rodin to take them with him outside of the airport. It wasn't until he uses his dark manipulation powers to make both their mouths disappear, shutting them up completely

Rodin: Now, I'mma bring back both your lips. And when do thar, I want y'all CALMLY give me one good reason why should I take ypu with me. Got it?

Misako amd Kyoko nodded in agreement as both their mouths reappear on their faces. They take their very deep breaths before screaming out......

Misako/Kyoko: WE MISS OUR BOYFRIEND HORRIBLY!!!~

End of Flashback

Dark Pit: (Chuckles Lightly) You guys couldn't even last a day without crying out for me, huh?

Misako: (Glares at her Boyfriend) Hey, at least we weren't sulking enough to think about building snow versions of us!

Dark Pit: Yeah, but I wasn't the one begging on my knees, now was iI?

Misako: BITCH, I-

Both Pitto and Misako's mouths suddenly disappears off of both of their faces as they turn to their culprit in front of them.

Rodin: 'Ey, I didn't come all the way here just to hear you two bitching at one another all dauly, so chill out with that for a second, alright?

The two thirds of the trio couple nodded in agreement as their mouths reappear in their faces.

Dark Pit: (Sighs Before Turning to Misako) Sorry for laughing, Misako.

Misako: ('Sigh') It's fine. Sorry too. (Smiles a Bit) It's sweet that you're thinking about us.

Dark Pit: (Smiles Back) Ditto. I missed you guys.

Misako: We missed you too, dummy~ (Gives Pitto a Peck on the Lips)

Kyoko: (Pouts at Two of her Romantic Partners) Heyyy!~ I want some of your kisses too!~

Misako: (Sighs Before Getting Herself Up From the Bed) Alright. Scooch over, both of you. We're making ourselves a Kyoko sandwich tonight.

Dark Pit: (Shrugs) Fine by me. (Scooches himself Over to Side of the Bed)

Kyoko: (Happily Squeals as She Scooches Over to the Middle)

Misako: (Lays Down on the Other Side of the Bed Before Her and Pitto Gives Their Girlfriend The Kisses She Deserves) There.

Dark Pit: Happy, 'hon?

Kyoko: (Giggles Softly While Hugging Both her Partners) Absolutely!~

Yoshi: With that overly cuteness aside....(Turns to Rodin) Who's gonna watch your bar now that your here? Uncle Enzo?

Rodin: ('Tch') Please. I don't trust that fool to handle his own liquor let alone look over the entirety of my hard working establishment. No, I let one of my demon summons, Astral, take over from there. (Shows the Kids Pictures of the Big Demon in Question, Showing Off It's Vicious Manner) 'Been a powerhouse of a player for as long as I can remember creating him.

Yoshi: (Eyes Suddenly Begins to Widened at What Catches his Attention) Woahwoahwoahwoah, stop at that picture right there!

Rodin: (Stops Swiping Before Showing the Picture to Yoshi) Here?

Yoshi: Yeah, yeah. (Points at a Picture of a Rodin Hoding a Fiery Looking Nunchucks on the Phone Screen) What....are those!?

Rodin: One of my newest creations thus far: The Flambegé Nunchucku. An inferno dual wielding chuka sticks destructive enough to blitz through any gut wrenching demons that dares to stand in the way of the wielder. An expert of martial arts if you will.

Yoshi: How much it cost? I'll pay you anything!

Dark Pit: (Turns to Yoshi) Dude, you already have nunchucks at home.

Yoshi: (Turns to Dark Pit) Yeah, but this looks rad as all hell!

Rodin: And it's expensive as all hell. (Put his Phone Back Inside his Coat Pocket) I don't think any amount of allowance will be enough for you to pay off.

Yoshi: (Snaps his Fingers in Disappointment) ('Snap') Dangit!

Rodin: But i have yet to see any potential consumers on the other side interested in the product just yet, so I'll you have a test run or two in the near future, after you ask your parents first.

Yoshi: (Pumps His Fists Down in Excitement) Yes! (Smiles Brightly at the Fallen Angel) Thank you, Uncle Rodin.

Dark Pit: (Turns Back to Rodin) Yeah, thanks reuniting with my girlfriends, Uncle. I really appericate it.

Kyoko: You're the best!~

Misako: (Happily Nodded in Agreement)

Rodin: Yeah, yeah, it ain't nothin'. Just don't get in too much trouble, ya hear? Your mother will try and go for my neck if anything happens to any of y'all.

Dark Pit: Goddess or Witch

Rodin: Goddess. Although your witch momma ain't someone to tussle with either. But if y'all need me, I'll be out in the night, see what this New Donk City has to offer. Adios for now. (Teleports Himself Out the Room)

Dark Pit: Later, Uncle Rodin.

Kyoko: Byeeee!~

Misako: (Turns to Pitto Before Letting Out a Relax Yawn) Alright, loser!~ We probably have the whole evening to ourselves, so what we're gonna do first?

Dark Pit: Rudolph's suppose to be one in a few minutes, so....

Misako: (Turns to Pitto with Widened Eyes Along with the Others) Wait. YOU?

Kyoko: Wanted to watch a Christmas Special?

Yoshi: (Raises an Eyebrow) You SURE Pit and Sora hasn't gotten you into Christmas spirit yet?

Dark Pit: Yes, I'm sure! Those idiots have nothing on me. (Turns Away While Rubbing the Back of his Head) I just thought a story about some dumb reindeer is worth watching for a half an hour or two is all.....

Yoshi/Misako/Kyoko: (Stares at Pitto Unconvinced) Uh-huh. Sure.

@cyber-wildcat

@ma-lemons

@albion-93

@caleb13frede

@bestpony666

@ink-correctsmashbrosbloo

[outroshooky]

think you’re so criminal | kth

⇢ genre: drabble (artthief!au) (smut, crack)

⇢ pairing: kim taehyung x reader

⇢ word count: 2.0k

⇢ prompt: “right, so i’ve ruined an iconic historical painting with my cum. See kim taehyung, this is why you don’t edge me.”

⇢ warnings: smut (dirty talk, mild exhibitionism, oral sex [f receiving], a mention of cumplay), there’s some foul language and mentions of dick sucking; don’t read this if you don’t like innuendos, jimin being sleazy, or law-breaking; the fourth wall is also broken like three times

⇢  a/n: i’ve had this prompt sitting in my wips folder since last october. thank you @pvrpletae for this one; without you, your burning love for kth, and our questionable text conversations, this drabble would not exist. also, thanks to bad guy and billie eilish for the rough inspiration for this fic

For all of your years of artnapping, absolutely nothing could have possibly prepared you for tonight’s break-in.

I should note that it wasn’t like you didn’t have experience with this. While most folks your age were casually sipping cheap wine at a bar on a lazy Friday night, you could probably be found plotting a break-in to some rich collector’s home who’d taken from the poor to keep for the rich. You liked to think of your occupation as vigilante work; others called it downright illegal. Maybe you’re both right.

It was a family business that got you started, a long-lost connection to a great uncle on your father’s side who’d shown you the ropes, and the rest was history. We won’t talk about how your parents feel about the whole enterprise, but they certainly did appreciate the Monet painting you’d brought home for them for Christmas- even if they wouldn’t hang it up in the foyer. It would’ve pulled the whole living room together if they’d mounted it above the fireplace like your wonderful boyfriend, also known as their unofficially adopted son, had suggested.

Miraculously, your parents had no clue that you’d been partners with the notably infamous Kim Taehyung for longer than you’d worked on your own. Partners was once a generous term- you met when each of you pulled a knife on the other in the basement of the Louvre, Rembrandt in hand- but over time envy morphed into a mutual respect, a tenuous thread of friendship spun into colorful wool that blossomed into its own thick congenial quilt. You knew each other inside and out, and while many in this particular industry opted to fly solo, you took a generous amount of comfort in knowing that no matter what, there was always someone watching your back.

Your parents adored Taehyung with every ounce of warmth in their souls. He could do no wrong in their view, his own puppy-dog almond eyes and the fair bit of innocence that sparkled in them so irresistibly endearing not only to you, but to them, too. You supposed you couldn’t blame them; the first time you saw him, you assumed he was some sort of lost schoolboy in the wrong place at the wrong time. That is, until he’d almost broken your ribs with a well-placed kick and delicately introduced himself as the Nightstalker. At least he apologized afterward.

Needless to say, with all of this in mind, you’d seen plenty in your time doing creative enterprising deals on the black market. You’d nearly gotten your finger cut off when the heavy frame of a Matisse fought back; Taehyung had lost his favorite beret to the hands of the feds; and you’d both, on one occasion, spent fifteen hours in a cramped janitor’s closet that reeked of cat shit. Ironically enough, the latter happened to occur on the same day you met Taehyung. Alas, that’s a story for another fic.

Anyways, there’s one little detail I forgot to mention that might be relevant. You had, in fact, been dating Taehyung for three years, had known him prior for about half that. And yes, you absolutely had fucked in the middle of a heist.

At least once.

But not more than four times.

It wasn’t like you had planned it. It was one of those things that just sort of happened on its own; nobody was home and the getaway car was late, so Taehyung suggested that he kill time with his head between your thighs. If someone had told your earlier self that you’d be getting off in the dusty attic of the museum you had freshly robbed to merely kill time, you wouldn’t have believed them, but there you were, going on your three year anniversary, sucking his dick an hour later in the comfort of your own home as a thank-you present.

And tonight, apparently, was heading down the same route.

It was a simple break-in, one that you’d done before, from some guy (last name Kim, first name Seokjin) who had a penchant for hoarding works of art that deserved to be appreciated in the public eye. You’d deemed yourselves knights of valor, taking not only the O’Keeffe and the tiny little Pollock shoved recklessly in a dusty corner, but pocketing a miniature Rodin that Taehyung spotted on the bedside table. It was all too easy- change your locks, folks!- and thus, you were left with time to kill before Jimin pulled up in an inconspicuous white worker’s van. 

Blame the fairly suggestive Hayes painting Seokjin had perched over his king-size bed, which happened to be draped with red silk sheets. He was a man of taste in more than one category, it seemed, and as Taehyung had hinted at, it would be a pity not to, ah- christen not only the now-bare walls as your own, but the neatly made head of the house.

Blood rushed in your ears as Taehyung made it quick, a few sloppy strokes of his tongue making you squirm and hiss. “S-swear to god, Taehyung, we’re gonna get caught-”

“If you keep being loud, we will, babygirl.”

“Are we c-completely su- fuck- sure the housekeeper is g-gone for the evening?”

Taehyung withdrew slightly and hummed, tracing his fingers through the slick. “I thought we decided Seokjin and the housekeeper are fucking each other. That’s why the sheets are red. Don’t think we didn’t spot the matching sheets in the carriage-house bedroom half an hour ago.”

You exhaled unsteadily, feeling completely wrecked under the power of your boyfriend’s lips and tongue. “That doesn’t mean they might not still be here.”

Taehyung’s eyebrow quirked between the apex of your thighs. “I wonder what thrills you more, federal handcuffs on your wrists or the look on Kim’s face when he sees you on your back and smells you all over his sheets.” His eyes narrow, the pleased look of the devil incarnate marring his handsome features. “Bet you’d love either option.”

“Don’t you have better things to do with that tongue than run them off about my worries?” You retorted. It was a weak insult, but an effective one.

Taehyung drove you to the brink of near-insanity, wanting to drag this wonderfully fucked-up act as long as humanly possible without the risk of genuine danger. However, the twice-repeated honk of a car outside meant Jimin had made his way into position, and you were running out of time.

“Tae, baby-”

“Fuck,” he panted, speeding up. “Be a good girl, come on babygirl. Cum all over my tongue, you’ve done so well for me, baby. Cum, now.”

At the same moment that it hit you, a dazzling euphoria of white that sparked and sputtered behind closed eyelids, a horn just under the windowsill honked one long blast.

You were about to have company, and if the panic in Taehyung’s eyes was anything to go by, you’d overstayed your welcome.

His neglected, throbbing boner would have to wait.

“Isn’t he not supposed to be home yet? I thought he was in Germany!” You whispered as you scrambled off the bed with a mind still foggy from your orgasm. You stumbled to find your various articles of clothing scattered about the feet of the furniture.

“For another four days, he was!” Taehyung retorted in a slightly louder whisper. Next to you, he ripped at the corners of the bed, furiously wrapping the stolen artworks in the silk sheets themselves.

“What do we do?” You murmured, fingers hurriedly finding the clasp of your pants.

Two levels below, the front door creaked open and footsteps resounded in the massive, marble-floored foyer.

“Taehyung, we have to go,” you urged in low tones, tripping into your left sneaker.

“I know, just-” The traces of sex had drained from his voice, replaced by daunting panic. “Help me with these, please.”

Footsteps resounded on the stairs, thumping closer and closer, and you didn’t even have time to process the fear before your feet were moving and you made your way to the window, following close behind Taehyung. Your boyfriend took care to lower the last two stolen paintings to a waiting Jimin before he himself took one last glance back at the bedroom and saluted. “It was fun desecrating you!”

The bedroom door creaked open just as Taehyung began to ease himself off the sill.

“Go!” You hissed, practically shoving your boyfriend out the window before you followed, clutching the Pollock tightly to your chest.

You hit the ground and rolled, your shoulder taking the brunt of the impact as you stumbled and threw yourself into Jimin’s van as his foot slammed the gas pedal down. The engine revved hard, peeled rubber burning black on the uneven cobblestone of the narrow city streets. Taehyung wrenched the door closed and held on just a second longer, eyes on the dark figure that had appeared at the window you had slipped out of a mere seconds before. You panted, air wheezing in and out of your lungs erratically as you regained your senses. In the darkness of the van, it was impossible to read Taehyung’s feelings until he spoke.

“Well, that was an adventure.”

“Taehyung.”

“It certainly was the most risque of our trips; I mean, it beat out the time we fucked in a chur-”

“Taehyung.”

“What?”

In the frantic struggle to finish wrapping your stolen goods and lower them via silk sling to the waiting hired help below, you had realized, in a stunning moment of clarity, that Taehyung had not taken the time to wipe his fingers clean before touching your prizes. His tongue may be experienced, but his idea of how to preserve a historical masterpiece was not. “Did you, by any chance, wipe your hands before you picked up the artwork?”

He was silent for a moment, contemplating. “Was I supposed to?”

“Oh my god.” You collapsed back into the seat, running a hand through your messy hair. “Right, so I’ve ruined an iconic historical painting with my cum. See Kim Taehyung, this is why you don’t edge me.”

“It could’ve been worse; I only touched the frame.”

“The four-hundred-and-ninety-year-old frame?” You gaped at him. “Do you really want to be searching up what pussy juice does to a Da Vinci at one in the morning?”

Taehyung shrugged. “It’s nothing a little lemon juice, magnesium, and a rag won’t take off.”

“And how do you know that for certain?”

In the rearview mirror, Taehyung and Jimin locked eyes, and Jimin opened his mouth, then closed it again. Mild horror seeped into your bones.

“Have either of you actually had to remove semen from a historical object before?”

Jimin wisely stayed silent. 

Taehyung gently withdrew the statue from his pocket, turning it over to inspect its cracks and crevices. “All I’m saying is, The Girl isn’t the only one with pearly-”

“You are disgusting,” you declared, folding your arms over your chest.

“This is coming from the one who probably left her panties in the house of the collector she just robbed.”

The car went momentarily quiet, the mild horror rotting in your bones suddenly turning a freezing cold. “Taehyung…?”

He opted not to reply, and his hesitance was all you needed.

“Fuck!”

“Hey, look at it this way,” Jimin peeped from the front seat. “At least you’ll have something to tell your parents over Christmas dinner.”

“Park Jimin, I am not telling my parents about how my most expensive pair of lingerie was left in the home of collector Kim Seokjin, whose new acquisitions coincidentally went missing the same night!”

“I mean, if it was a good fuck…”

You smacked Taehyung’s arm as he whined in protest.

“You two are so cute,” Jimin teased. “Like an old married couple.”

“If old married couples like to break into houses together and give head while stealing the art, you’d be spot on.”

Taehyung opened his mouth and you silenced him with a glare. He mouthed something at you and you rolled your eyes. “Yes, I’ll still suck your dick when we get home!”

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

Ashley's Nightmare Part 2

Lyn, Waluigi, Knuckles, Shovel Knight, Chef Kawasaki, and the Squid Sisters all stood outside Ashley’s door as they witnessed her float in the air, ghoulish wails now resonating at a sound equivalent to a loud speaker at maximum volume. Objects in the room had already begun floating, some of the unluckier ones being crushed due to the magical density.

Lyn stared wide eyed at the sight. “Callie, Marie. Can one of you two go get Rodin?”

“Yeeeah, we’re on it. Come on Marie.” Callie quickly said as she grabbed Marie, who had fallen asleep on her feet, and ran off to find Rodin.

“How do we get Young Ashley to calm down?” Shovel Knight asked.

“I can try talking to her.” Chef Kawasaki told him, stepping forward. “Heya, Ashe. It’s your Uncle Kawasaki! I-” He was in the middle of his talk when he was flung to the wall by one of the floating objects in her room. The magical pressure began crushing him against the wall. “Uh, everyone? Now would be a good time to come with a plan!”

The magical force began breaking away at the walls and the ceiling, causing a chunk of the Assist Trophy Apartment Complex to break. The magical energy began swirling in a vortex, picking up all of the debris.

“Guys, do something!” Kawasaki shouted, getting caught in the vortex.

“In a minute!” Lyn shouted back at him. She then turned to Knuckles and Shovel Knight. “Please tell me one of you have an idea.”

Knuckles nodded. He then grabbed Waluigi. “Shovel Knight, help me throw Waluigi!" 

"What?” Shovel Knight and Waluigi said in unison.

“Master Knuckles, must everyone of your ideas involve beating on whoever is unlucky enough to cross your gaze?” Shovel Knight questioned. 

After a whole moment of silence, Waluigi spoke up. “Knuckles, if you’re gonna throw me, at least make sure you can aim.”

Knuckles lifted Waluigi over his shoulder and got in a throwing position. Shovel Knight groaned and grabbed another side of Waluigi. With their combined strengths, the two threw Waluigi at Ashley. He was soaring as fast as a bullet. But right before he could hit Ashley, he was caught by the magical vortex and begun spinning alongside Kawasaki.

A sweat drop rolled down Knuckles’ head while Lyn and Shovel Knight stared at Knuckles with deadpan glares. The vortex grew stronger, breaking more of the apartment building and sucking it in. The three grabbed onto whatever they could to keep from getting sucked in.

“Lady Lyn, what shall be our next course of action?” Shovel Knight shouted, the wailing becoming loud enough to block his normal volume.

“Ngh! What’s taking those two so long to get Rodin?!” Lyn asked.

“Lyn!” Callie called out, dragging a sleeping Marie with Rodin groggily following behind. “We got Rodin!”

“Rodin, you have to do something! Ashley’s gone out of control!” Lyn shouted as she was resisting the vortex’s pull.

“Huh?…Ashe?” Rodin looked up and saw what was happening. “Oh…This again.”

He yawned and walked forward. He was completely unfazed by the vortex. He crouched down, and leaped up at her at a speed faster than Lyn when she uses her attack. When he got to Ashley, he had raised his hands and pressed them together to make a loud clapping noise at such a volume it boomed all around the apartment. 

Then, Ashley’s magic started to slowly fade. The vortex dissipated and all of the objects fell onto the ground. Rodin landed on the floor and yawned again, Ashley gently floated down to the ground as well.

“Ashley!” Lyn ran over to Ashley and crouched down next to her.

“Relax. She’s fine.” Rodin yawned once more. He looked down at Ashley. “She just had a rough night.”

Tears were strolling down Ashley’s face uncontrollably as she laid on the ground, making occasional small noises.

—————————–

After all was said and done, the apartment complex now had a giant hole where Ashley’s room was. Everyone else had gone back to sleep except Lyn, who was getting an explanation from a half awake Rodin.

“So that was the cause of it?” Lyn asked.

“Yup.” Rodin yawned. “This happened once before when we all went on that camping trip. I kept the noise to a minimum, but it was not pretty.”

Rodin and Lyn turned their gaze to Ashley, who was sitting alone by the edge of the opening of her room to the outside. “You should go talk to her. She likes you the most. I’m going back to bed.” Rodin turned and shuffled back to his room.

Lyn watched him go, then turned back to Ashley. She went over to her and sat down next to her. “Hey.”

“….” Ashley remained silent. Even though her tears had stopped, her mood was still low.

“So…Rodin told me you had a nightmare…wanna tell me about it?” Lyn asked.

“…You all hated me…” Ashley told her in a quite voice. “Everyone who I had at least thought was nice…Chef, Mr. Guile, Isaac, Shovel Knight, Jeff, Waluigi to a certain extent…no one wanted me around…Not even Wario, and he-”

“Always needs you to do something for him.” Lyn finished her sentence.

“And then…the one friend I had made here…he…he…” Ashley explained, but stopped since she felt like she’d cry again.

Lyn looked at her.“He didn’t want to be your friend, huh?” Ashley nedded in response.

“Ash, you don’t need to worry about any of us doing that. Nightmares are just dreams fueled by our worries and fears. You’re afraid that we’ll abandon you and you’ll be all alone. Well…” Lyn told her, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I promise that we’ll never leave you. Nothing’ll ever tear any of us, be Assist Trophies or Fighters, apart.”

Ashley looked at Lyn for a moment and wiped her eyes. A small smile grew on her face. “Thanks, Lyn.”

Lyn smiled back at her and looked back outside. “Sleeping while your room is like this is definitely a risk. Wanna just bunk in my room?”

Ashley nodded. “Okay. But, can we stay here for a little longer? The…stars look nice.”

Lyn nodded, and the two of them stargazed for a while longer, pointing out or at least making up constellations that they could make out from the stars. Soon, Ashley had fallen asleep, and Lyn carried her room to sleep on the top bunk. When Ashley fell asleep again, her dreams went undisturbed. Lyn was right. She wasn’t alone anymore: The people around her would never leave. Nothing bad would ever happen to them. Everyone would always stick together

…………….

Days Until Galeem Attack: 9

[wavenetinfo]

After 12 days of cinema-worship and excessive partying, the 70th Cannes Film Festival will draw to a close on Sunday. Most journalists here seem to find it a lesser year by Cannes standards – which happens just about every year by the way. The truth is, whatever the complaints, this bunch of films will probably still end up among the best of the year. That’s how damn reliable the Cannes seal of approval is.

I myself find this to be a great year. With a few exceptions (in particular THE MEYEROWITZ STORIES, THE BEGUILED, RODIN), I’ve enjoyed/admired/loved the vast majority of films I’ve seen. The question now is: what will Pedro like?

It’s worth noting that predicting what festival juries will do is almost always a futile endeavor. These filmmakers/actors are often inspired by work completely different from their own, so guessing their favorites based on their own filmography I not foolproof. Remember when Tim Burton professed his love for UNCLE BOONMEE WHO CAN RECALL HIS PAST LIVES and George Miller’s jury bowed down to I, DANIEL BLAKE just last year?

But in the spirit of AwardsDaily, I shall make my fearless predictions, accompanied by what/whom I think should win.

Palme d’Or Who will win: BPM (BEATS PER MINUTE) Who should win: BPM (BETS PER MINUTE)

Sprawling AIDS-activist drama/love story featuring a great ensemble cast, dynamic direction and an important message. Besides Almodóvar, I could definitely picture Jessica Chastain loving this.

A couple of things count against it: 1) some are calling it Palme bait, which is kind of unfortunate, but the film does have parallels to recent winner BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR, for example; 2) too “obvious” for Almodóvar to pick the only queer film in the competition lineup.

BPM will definitely not be unchallenged. Possible upsets include LOVELESS, THE SQUARE, THE DAY AFTER and…

Grand Prix Who will win: A GENTLE CREATURE Who should win: HAPPY END

The new Haneke has not been as well received as his previous work. And it’s somewhat hard to imagine Almodóvar, who has frustratingly yet to have won the Palme d’Or himself, awarding Haneke his third. That said, the transcendently depressing AND acerbically funny HAPPY END is my second favorite film of the festival.

A GENTLE CREATURE, though, is also an amazing film and could be duking it out with fellow Russian tragedy LOVELESS for the top prizes.

Prix du Jury Who will win: THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER Who should win: YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE

This is really anyone’s guess. Could be any of the titles mentioned above. THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER is the most divisive film this year but I could see Almodóvar, who has done some weird stuff in his time, and especially Park Chan-wook gravitating towards Lanthimos’ wild style.

Or, if the jury is feeling funky, a left-field choice for GOOD TIME is not out of the question.

Best Actor Who will win: Robert Pattinson (GOOD TIME) Who should win: Joaquin Phoenix (YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE)

Speaking of GOOD TIME, Pattinson seems like a strong candidate for the coveted Best Actor prize: a proper Hollywood star who’s slowly established his street cred on the Croisette after a few trips with Cronenberg. And the performance is there.

His competition includes the sensational Joaquin Phoenix, the heartbreaking lead of BPM Nahuel Pérez Biscayart (I’m not predicting his win because the rules preclude additional awards for the Palme or Grand Prix winning films), and – inexplicably – Adam Sandler for THE MEYEROWITZ STORIES (Will Smith, I’ll be looking at you).

Best Actress Who will win: Maryana Spivak (LOVELESS) Who should win: Fantine Harduin (HAPPY END)

The Best Actress race is much lighter than last year. Conventional wisdom seems to favor an ensemble win for the female cast of THE BEGUILED. I guess this would make sense considering how Almodóvar likes his female ensembles and this film was ecstatically received – at least by the critics. However, admitting openly my personal bias, I can’t predict such a result.

Vasilina Makovtseva for A GENTLE CREATURE and Diane Kruger for IN THE FADE are also possible but ultimately my gut tells me the heartless mom from LOVELESS stands the best chance – if the film doesn’t win gold, that is.

Best Director Who will win: Lynne Ramsay (YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE) Who should win: Lynne Ramsay (YOU WERE NEVER REALLY HERE)

Many worthy choices: Lanthimos, Kornél Mundruczó for JUPITER’S MOON and the Safdie brothers for GOOD TIME. But this is such a great chance to honor a female director on the Cannes stage and I’m betting the jury would want to take advantage of it.

Best Screenplay Who will win: THE SQUARE Who should win: HAPPY END

Again, admitting openly my personal bias, I’m not putting THE SQUARE higher up the predicted winner’s list even though it has plenty of avid supporters, presumably also in the jury.

Otherwise the prolific Korean auteur Hong Sangsoo might also score his first Cannes win for THE DAY AFTER.

And just because at its 60th edition, Cannes presented Gus Van Sant (PARANOID PARK) with a special prize, maybe they’ll also give out an anniversary award of some kind this year. In that case Haneke would certainly look like a fitting winner.

The awards ceremony will take place tomorrow, May 28, at 7:15 PM (CET).

28 May 2017 | 2:32 am

Zhuo-Ning Su

Source : Awards Daily

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