#rockstars go out and eat at places just like you and me this is truly a shock | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

enthusiasticharry · 2 years ago

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𝐅𝐈𝐂 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐓 | 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 10k

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: fourth chapter! i'm so sorry that this has taken so long, work really has been kicking my arse but I've finally managed to get this out for you and I really hope you enjoy it! this is probably the chapter you've all been waiting for (me too don't worry) and i would really love to hear all of your thoughts about it so please come and chat to me about it!!

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: explicit language, talk of rehab and drug overdose, sexual content, a fucking amazing green camper and harry being a 70s rockstar pt.4 but also the guy of all our dreams.

𝐩𝐥𝐬 𝐤𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟑 here

Minnesota, Winter 1973

“Morning Fiona,” YN smiled at another woman in the facility as YN passed her, making her way towards the conservatory.

The conservatory was YN’s favourite room in the entire facility. It was light, with windows on each of the walls as well as one of the most comfortable sofas that YN had ever sat on. It was decorated with pillows and flowers, and sort of had an old person feel about it, but YN didn’t mind. In fact, it had a very comforting feel about it. It was calm, and relaxing and it was a place where YN could come and do whatever she wanted to do.

In the first few weeks that she was at the facility, YN would spend every minute that she wasn’t sleeping, eating or in therapy in that room. Whilst she was going through the heaviest part of her withdrawals, where she was getting used to everything being real again it was the only place that she could truly feel like herself. At that point, she would just sit there and think. She would think about everything that she had done, and everything that had been done and reflect.

The drugs were bad, and the abuse of them was even worse but the thing that upset YN the most, and she had to work through the most was everything that she’d done to Vivienne and Harry. All that the two of them had done was to help her – they truly did care about her, and she had repaid them by fucking things up to the highest degree.

That room was one of the places where YN had truly started to feel like herself again, and she was thankful for it.

“YN!” One of the workers, Mary, called from the next room.

“Yes, Mary?” YN called back, standing up from the sofa that she was sitting on.

“There’s a call for you.”

YN didn’t hesitate to pick up her pace and make her way to the phone. She placed the receiver up to her ear and leaned against the wall.

“Hello?”

“Hi babe!” It was Vivienne, and YN almost squealed there and then.

“Viv!” YN laughed, “How are you?”

“I’m good babe, I’m good,” She laughed, “How are you? How is it there?”

“It’s good, Viv, it’s good,” YN laughs, “I’m doing good, I’m doing better.”

YN had been at the facility now for just over a month. It was the first time that she had spent Christmas not at home. Before leaving home, Christmas was a day that she spent with her family and would count down the hours until bedtime, but when she moved in with Vivienne – Christmas was the day that they ate shitty food and just spent together. It was difficult, but all YN had to remember was that she was doing this so she could have much happier Christmases in the future without any influences.

Now that she had done a month, it was time to start discussing when YN was coming home.

“I’m glad, babe,” YN could hear Vivienne’s smile through the receiver, “Anyway, I was just phoning about coming to pick you up.”

“Viv, I’m so excited to see you,” YN sighs leaning her head against the wall, smiling like crazy.

YN knew that her being in rehab was something that she had to do, and she was doing it because she needed to get better. But one of the things that she was really struggling with was being away from Vivienne. It was worse than tour because this time she didn’t have the booze and the drugs to forget – instead she had to think about it.

One of the things that YN didn’t realise was how much she would think of Harry. Being sober and thinking back on what Harry had done for her, she started to realise how much he did actually care about her. Apart from that one kiss, YN honestly thought that he was a shot in the dark but then again, maybe it was the drugs talking. Now, all she could think about was the next time that she saw him and what she would say.

She just didn’t think that it would be so soon.

“There’s a slight problem with that,” Vivienne sighed, “YN, I’m really sorry but I can’t pick you up.”

“Oh,” YN couldn’t help but feel a slight disappointment about it, “Why? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, babe, I promise,” YN lets out a sigh of relief, “It’s just that I’m leaving town for a few days to do a photo shoot for a band at a festival in Hawaii. I tried to cancel it, YN, but this could be my big break.”

“Don’t worry, Viv, really don’t,” YN shrugs, “I’m really happy for you.”

“Thank you, YN, really,” YN can hear Vivienne’s smile again and YN felt relaxed again. All she had to do now was figure out what she was going to do, “Anyway, we’ve made a plan.”

“What?” YN furrows his eyebrows, “Who are we? And what’s the plan?”

“Harry and I,” YN’s eyes widen, “We’ve sorted it all out. Harry’s going to come and pick you up in two days and bring you home, babe.”

“He said yes to that?” YN can’t help but be a little shocked by the entire thing.

Vivienne laughs, “It was his idea, babe.”

“Really?” YN’s butterflies erupt with some of the biggest butterflies she’s had in a while, “Okay, thank you… and thank Harry for me, yeah?”

“You can thank him yourself, babe,” Vivienne laughs, “You’re going to be spending a lot of time with him soon.”

“Yeah,” YN chuckles, “You’re right, I should.”

“Have fun, yeah?” Vivienne laughs, “But not too much fun, don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do.”

YN laughed, “What wouldn’t you do?”

“Touché,” Vivienne laughs, “But be careful, yeah? Don’t rush into anything.”

“I will,” Even though it was bittersweet that YN wouldn’t be seeing Vivienne in a few days, she knew that this job was good for Vivienne, and she wasn’t going to get in the way of her friend. Anyway, it was only a few days, and she would see Vivienne, and everything would be back to normal, “Hey, Viv.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” Vivienne laughs, “And I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“I love you too, babe. You’ll be back home before you know it.”

These next two days were going to be torture.

YN had been dressed and ready for the past hour now. Her bag had been dropped off at the front reception, and she had brought herself to her favourite room and was sitting, waiting for Harry. Patience had never been YN’s strong suit, but sitting in that room listening to whatever vinyl was spinning just let the time pass a little easier.

When she had been getting dressed, there was a part of her that was excited to get dressed up. It felt amazing to dress up in her flared jeans, a floral top with flared sleeves and of course, her cowboy boots. YN was starting to truly feel like herself again.

Even though YN was excited to be coming home, it was also one of the more nerve-wracking things that YN had ever had to do. Life in rehab was hard, but it was also so much easier in a way. In rehab there wasn’t any temptation, there weren’t drugs or alcohol readily available at all times. Now, everything that YN had worked to get clean from would be there and all she had to do was remind herself that it wasn’t her anymore.

The drugs aren’t what made YN who she was, and she had spent the life that she loved so much getting too coked up to really enjoy it. It was her time to experience her life for herself, by herself with nothing getting in the way.

However, YN had a slight suspicion that it wasn’t going to be easy but nothing in life ever is, right?

“YN!” YN had been waiting for around an hour in the room, waiting for the moment that Mary called her, “It’s time to go.”

There was a spring in YN’s step as she stood up, almost skipping towards the front door. YN picked up her bag, gave Mary and Julian a hug goodbye and practically did skip out of the door. Her rush, however, was stopped when she looked up and saw Harry leaning up against a camper. It was amazing. It had a cream and green exterior and an orange curtain that she could see through the window. She was in love, and it was with a camper of all things, but it was the man who stood leaning against it that caused her to smile the most.

“What is this?” YN laughed, walking towards him until she stood straight in front of him.

“This,” He laughed, pulling his sunglasses off and hanging them from the collar of his shirt, “Is our camper.”

“Ours?” YN laughed, dropping her bag on the floor by them, “Why have we got a camper, Harry?”

Harry smiled, “This is how we’re getting home. We’re going to have a road trip.”

“Really?” YN’s face beams a smile, “I love it.”

“I thought you would,” He laughs, opening his arms and YN doesn’t even hesitate to walk over and throw her arms around his neck.

Not only was YN in love with the camper, but she couldn’t help the butterflies in her stomach at the fact that Harry had thought to do this for her. He squeezed her just as tightly as she squeezed him.

“Thank you,” She smiled into his shoulder.

Harry laughed and pulled away from her, “Shall we go and get some breakfast?”

“Yes!” YN grinned, picking up her bag and opening the side door to put it inside, “Can I drive?”

Harry laughed, “Like hell, you can.”

“What?” YN exclaimed, laughing as he looked at her with his eyebrows raised, “I’m not that bad.”

“Yes, yes you are,” He laughed, opening the passenger door so she could get in, “Vivienne’s told me all the stories.”

“Okay,” YN sits down and smiles as he closes the door, “Can I pick the music, though?”

“Of course.”

As they pulled away from the facility, YN turned and looked back at the building, and she couldn’t help but feel a little scared to be away from the safety of that place. That all changed though when YN felt Harry’s hand move over to grab hers. YN turned back to him, and after just one smile from him, she knew she was going to be okay because she had people like Harry and Vivienne who were there for her.

They pulled up outside a small diner on the outskirts of town and YN was happy to just go somewhere that sold proper greasy food. YN was just so excited for a proper stack of pancakes and a milkshake. As they parked the camper and got out, YN couldn’t even contain her excitement. She felt like she was a kid in a candy shop, and she rushed ahead in front of Harry and opened the door for him.

They sat down, accepted the coffee from the waitress and both didn’t hesitate to order. Harry laughed when YN ordered her pancakes and her milkshake. Harry got the same, but instead of a strawberry milkshake, he went for a vanilla one.

“How are you?” YN asked, taking a sip of her coffee, “How was the rest of the tour?”

Harry laughed, leaning back on his seat in the booth, “I’m good. The tour was… it was… shit without you.”

“Harry,” YN shakes her head, “You don’t have to say that. I knew it was difficult with me there.”

“In all honesty… I missed you,” Harry sighed, “It wasn’t the same without you there, but I was just happy that you were getting the help that you needed.”

YN bit her lip to stop her from smiling, “I missed you too.”

The waitress came with their milkshakes, as well as their pancakes and YN almost cried with happiness. Harry laughed as he watched her pour syrup all over her pancakes. He happily accepted the syrup from her, but hesitated as he watched her cut her pancakes up at eat them. When she noticed him watching, she finished eating and wiped her mouth with a napkin and smiled at him.

“What?” YN laughs, “Have I got something on my face?”

“No,” Harry shakes his head, “I’m just… happy.”

“Me too,” YN smiled, watching as he took a bite of his own pancakes, “Now hurry up, I can’t wait to get back in our camper.”

“I know you can’t,” Harry laughed.

The two of them continued eating their pancakes and sipping their milkshakes. YN tried Harry’s milkshake and decided she liked that better, and Harry didn’t even hesitate to swap with her. It was small action for Harry, that made her entire heart light up. It was almost as though these were things that Harry had done for her, and she hadn’t even noticed because she was too coked up to notice.

“You ready?” Harry asked her after he had paid.

“Yeah,” YN laughed, sliding herself out of the booth and linking her arm with Harry’s as they walked back to the camper, “Where did you even find this thing?”

“Someone put an ad for it in the newspaper, and the second I saw it I knew what to do,” He laughed, opening the door for the second time today for her.

YN smiled, “Thank you.”

“C’mon,” He laughed, motioning for her to get in the camper, “We need to get on the road.”

“Okay,” YN hopped in the car, enjoying the feeling of Harry’s hand on the small of her back to help her.

When they were all settled on the highway, YN looked over at Harry and caught him staring right at her. The windows were down, YN’s hair was blowing in the wind but she didn’t care, her feet were on the dash and her arm was out of the car, her sleeve blowing with the wind. YN doesn’t think that she’d ever been as happy as she was right now, and Harry couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Apart from when he had to focus on the road because that was obviously very important. ‘Son of a Preacher Man,’ was playing over the stereo, per YN’s request obviously because it was a song, and they were both singing along like their lives depended on it.

“The only one who could reach me/ Was the son of a preacher man/ The only boy who could ever teach me/ Was the son of a preacher man/ Yes, he was, he was, oh, yes, he was.”

The smile that was on YN’s face was one for the record books. All of the drugs, the life that she had left was all behind her. Now, it was time to focus on her music. It was time for her to be on tour, but on her own tour – not the opening act for one. Even though she was clean, and she thought it would be easier to write and yet she hadn’t written a single word of a song. It was difficult for her to grasp, but she just knew that she needed to wait and then the inspiration would come, and then her life would be back on track again.

They drove for fifteen hours on the first day. They had planned to do twelve and then stop somewhere for a break, but they were still okay, so they carried on. They had a few stops at gas stations for a lot of snack refills and drinks and kept each other going with little games and singing all of their favourite songs. It was at hour fifteen that found a nice little campsite in Wyoming and decided that would be where they stayed for the night. For it is the start of the year, and in the middle of winter, the campsite was empty, and they perfectly understood why.

YN wrapped a shawl around herself and a blanket and leaned against the edge of the camper whilst Harry hooked all of the necessary things up. YN made some green tea, which had become one of her favourites during her time at rehab. She made Harry a cup, and even though his face said that he didn’t like it, he still pretended that he did. That was when YN laughed, poured it out and made him a coffee.

Harry went to shower, and YN had decided that she would make it cosier and also warmer because the temperature had dropped. YN had lit two candles and placed them by the sink, and that was the only thing that illuminated the entire camper. She had pulled the bed out, which already had bedding on it thanks to Harry and made that more comfortable as well by adding about a thousand blankets on the top. Once she was happy with the bed, she pulled her hair up into a bun and started to change into one of her white tank tops and a pair of shorts to sleep in.

She moved herself to the corner of the van and started to remove her jeans. Just as she pulled them down, the door to the van opened. Even though Harry was there, YN didn’t stop. She knew that she was teasing him, but he didn’t close the door or leave. It started to make her think that maybe he did want this, and he did want her.

“Sorry,” He said, just as she was starting to pull her shorts on, “I’ll, just, uh, I’ll sleep up front.”

“Wait,” YN took a step towards him, “You don’t have to.”

“I, uh,” He scratched the back of his head, “I think it’s probably best that I do.”

“Okay,” YN nodded, and without even thinking she picked up a pillow and a blanket and gave it to him, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah,” He accepted the pillows and the blankets from her with a nod, “See you in the morning, YN, sweet dreams.”

Once he had moved to the front of the camper, YN blew out and the candles and got into the bed. YN did think that tonight was going to end differently, and she was more upset about it than she would like to admit. YN just lay in silence, staring at the ceiling, and letting the tears fall down her face. YN didn’t know whether Harry could hear. She didn’t want him to, but then again maybe she did.

Maybe it was better that he didn’t stay with her because maybe he didn’t feel the same and it would save her the heartbreak.

When YN woke up the next morning, she was shocked to see Harry already awake sitting outside and making drinks. She didn’t know whether to go outside to him, but once she had fully woken up, she noticed that he was making his way inside with two cups of coffee.

“Morning,” He smiled at her, passing her one of the cups, “How did you sleep?”

“Good, thank you,” YN gave a small smile back, lifting the coffee to her lips and taking a sip, “How did you sleep?”

“Good as well, thank you,” It felt awkward, and YN didn’t like it. They had such a good day yesterday, and YN almost felt like it had been her fault that they were now like this, “I thought we could set off in ten minutes or so.”

“Okay,” YN nods, “I just need to get dressed.”

Harry motioned to the door, “I’ll pack up outside.”

YN dressed in a knitted dress with a plunging neckline that was nice but also warm, and of course she paired it with her cowboy boots. She packed up the camper to the best of her ability, and just as she finished Harry was making his way to the driver’s seat. She climbed in the passenger side and then they set off, in complete silence.

They had been in silence for at least two hours, just the radio playing between them. Harry was focusing on driving, and YN was looking out of the window at her side. YN wanted to say something to him, but she just didn’t know what to do. She hated the awkward energy and the silence. She had spent time in rehab being so excited about seeing him again, and then they had such a great day yesterday. She wasn’t going to let last night ruin this for her.

“I’m sorry for last night,” YN turned to Harry, biting her lip nervously as she did.

Harry gave a fleeting glance to YN before turning back to look at the road. He had one hand resting on the steering wheel, and the other was on the door.

“Why?” Harry still stared ahead as he spoke.

“I get that I should’ve stopped changing when you opened the door, and I didn’t, and now I’m sorry for that.”

Harry looked over at her again, but only for another second before his eyes were on the road.

“You don’t have to be sorry for that. I should be the one saying sorry to you, I should’ve left. I shouldn’t have watched.”

YN dropped her eyes to her lap, messing with some of the material of the dress, “I, uh, I wanted you to.”

Harry’s eyebrows raised as he turned to look at her, and at that point, she was actually looking at him.

“You, uh, did?” He cleared his voice as he spoke.

“I did,” YN looked back down at her lap, “Did you want to?”

Harry was quiet for a minute, and she could almost hear the thoughts whirring around his head. At this point, YN didn’t want him to lie, or make something up to protect her feelings – she just wanted to the truth, that’s all.

“I did want to look, YN,” YN looks at him, but he just keeps staring forward, “That’s why I did look. But you’ve just come out of rehab, YN, and I didn’t want to take advantage of you. I just… God, YN, if you knew what watching that did to me, and what you have always done to me. I just… want to make sure that it’s a good idea and that you’re not rushing anything before…”

He swallowed, as though he was getting rid of the lump in his throat.

“Before I’m back to normal,” YN sighed, “I know you probably don’t want to be with someone who is a recovering addict.”

“Hey, hey, hey, no,” Harry reaches over and grabs her hand, “I never said that, I don’t think that. I just want to make sure that you’re okay, and that I’m not rushing you into anything.”

YN laughed, shaking her head, and placing her other hand on top of Harry’s. Again, it was her not truly thinking straight, and seeing that all he cared about was her and that was why he didn’t stay with her last night.

“You’re not rushing me into anything,” YN shook her head, “I’ve wanted to spend time with you like this since the first day we met probably, but life just had other plans.”

“We’re here now, though, right?”

“We are.”

They had planned on driving as close to Nevada as they could, but they were both exhausted after ten hours and decided to just set up camp for the night in Utah. They had eaten at a diner where YN had inhaled a burger whilst Harry laughed at her when she had mayo all over her face.

When they made it back to the camper, YN did everything that she did last night. YN lit the candles, set the bed up and even turned the stereo on so there was light music in the camper. Whilst she did all of this, Harry was lying on the bed watching her, floating around the camper, and doing everything that made her happy and that made him happy.

YN made herself tea and offered Harry a coffee, but he said that he’d just have tea like her. She knew that he wouldn’t like it, but he was still trying to pretend that he did for her, so she made him one. She passed him the cup, and she couldn’t help but laugh at his face again.

“I’m sorry,” Harry made a gagging face and placed the cup down on the side, “But how the hell do you drink this stuff?”

“It’s good for you, and it really doesn’t taste that bad,” She laughed, taking a sip of her own tea and Harry even made a face at that.

“Give it here,” She leant forward and grabbed his mug, “I’ll put it in the sink.”

As YN turned around and placed the mug in the sink, using the tap to rinse it out. YN turned around, and that was when she noticed that she was now trapped between Harry’s arms. She laughed and placed her hands on his biceps.

“What are you doing?” She laughed.

YN couldn’t say anything else because then his lips were on hers.

YN pulled back, her eyes fluttering over his face to check for any sort of regret but when she saw none, she leaned back into him, wrapping her arms around his neck whilst his wrapped around her waist. It felt so good to be with him again, to be kissing him again. YN could feel Harry’s hands moving downward until they were under her, so she could jump and wrap her legs around his waist. There wasn’t much room in the camper anyway, and YN had no idea how they could get closer to each other but here they are.

“Harry,” YN mumbled against his lips, “Take me to the bed.”

He pulled away, resting his forehead on hers, “Are you sure?”

“Please,” YN nodded, catching his lips in another kiss, “Please, Harry, I want you.”

Harry stumbled them over to the bed, dropping her down lightly and climbing on. YN pushed herself up towards the top of the bed as Harry hovered over her. They didn’t stop kissing each other, and when Harry moved to kiss down her neck, YN couldn’t help her body writhing underneath him.

Harry slowly began to roll his hips towards her, as he continued moving down her neck and all over her collarbone. He kissed the dips of her collarbone and then moved across her chest slowly, her hands reaching up to his hair. YN ran her hands down his back and grabbed the end of his shirt. He removed his lips from her and helped her pull his shirt up and off. Then it was her turn, with him grabbing the end of the slip she was wearing and pulling it over her head. He didn’t even think about it, he just did it and then he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

He also didn’t really think when he slipped his hands under her and pulled her on his lap. She straddled him, and he leaned forward and kissed her neck again, tilting her head to give him more access as she ran her hands through his hair. Her hips were grinding down on him, and she could feel him through the thin material of his sweatpants, seeing as though she was only in the thin material of her panties.

He pushed his thumb into the material of her panties and pulled them down, allowing her to drop back on the bed again. He didn’t even hesitate to lean down between her legs, allowing them to rest on his shoulders. He kissed down in a straight line before veering off to one thigh, kissing the inside of it slowly. He kissed all the way to her centre and kissed there too.

YN’s back arched off the bed, and Harry truly didn’t hesitate to dive right in. He teased her slightly, which had her withering under him. He ran his tongue up and down her slit before circling around her clit. YN didn’t know what was in the air of this camper, but she had never felt like this when having sex before in her life.

Her heavy breathing was all that could be heard in the camper, along with the slight squeak of the bed as she moved up and down.

“Harry,” YN breathed out his name her thighs automatically clamping around his head, “Please, don’t stop.”

YN continued to writhe, as he circled around her clit and interested two fingers into her. That was when the deep breaths turned into little wines, and then when she hit that point, she screamed his name in a whine. She knew that she had probably clamped around his head a little too tight, and also grabbed onto his hair a little too tight. It wasn’t her fault; she just hadn’t ever had sex sober before and it was completely different.

“Jesus Christ,” Once she could feel her legs again, she sat up, moving herself towards him, “Has it always felt like that?”

Harry laughed and accepted a kiss from her. That was when she climbed to straddle him again, helping him out of his joggers. He continued to kiss her as she moved her hand up and down him, straddling him and lining her entrance up with him.

Harry kissed her neck, and down her chest until he took her nipple in his mouth just as she slid down, feeling full by him. YN dropped her head back, crying out as she sat there and got adjusted to his size before she started to move. It felt like this was the missing piece to the puzzle, and the second she started rotating her hips she couldn’t help but groan.

“Fuck, YN,” Harry lifts his head up and leans it on her shoulder, “You, okay?”

“Better than okay,” YN closes her eyes as he grabs her hips, helping them both find a rhythm together, “Harry, I’m –”

YN started to move faster, bringing herself closer to the edge. Harry placed his hands on her ass to help move her faster and closer to the edge.

“YN, look at me,” YN opened her eyes and looked straight at Harry, resting her forehead on his and both of their hips moved together in rhythm, “I want to see you come for me, come on me.”

YN nods, catching his lips with hers. She pulled away, groaning against his lips as her head tipped back once more. It didn’t take long at the pace that they were going for her to come, his name leaving her lips in a whine. The pure sight of it brought Harry closer to his own climax, the two of them riding it out together.

YN’s head fell down onto Harry’s shoulder as she caught her breath. Neither of them was in a rush to move. They just wanted to stay as close as they possibly could. Harry wrapped his arm around her back, placing a kiss on her forehead that was covered in sweat, but he didn’t care. They sat there for a minute before she slipped off him and moved to grab her slip from the floor, Harry sitting behind her and placing a kiss between her shoulder blades.

YN laughed and dropped her head back on his shoulder, “I can’t believe we waited this long to do that.”

“Me neither,” He laughed, placing a kiss on her cheek, “But at least now we don’t have to wait again.”

“We do, Mr,” YN laughs, standing up and pulling her slip all the way down, “My legs have just stopped shaking.”

Harry laughed, wrapping his arms around the girl’s legs as she placed her hands on his shoulder, “Don’t ever tell Vivienne I said this, but I’m glad that it’s just the two of us.”

YN laughed, “I promise I won’t if you promise not to tell her that I agree.”

When Harry and YN woke up the next day, they tangled up in each other under YN’s seven blankets with the sun slipping through the curtain of the camper’s windows. YN woke up first, her head resting on Harry’s chest. He still had his eyes closed, and the curl of his hair rested on his forehead. YN smiled, and without even thinking pushed the curl out of his face.

He jumped slightly at the feeling of her fingers on his face, his features scrunching up before his eyes finally opened.

“Morning,” YN smiled, pressing a kiss to Harry’s pouting lips.

Harry sighed and pulled her closer pressing another kiss to her forehead, “Morning.”

YN let Harry stir for a little, easing him into the morning with a cup of coffee. YN went and showered and left Harry to get ready. She was dressed in a pair of white flared pants and one of Harry’s shirts that she had picked up last night. It wasn’t that she just wanted to wear Harry’s clothes, it was actually a life-or-death situation with how cold it was. She couldn’t wait to get back to Los Angeles where even in winter it was still semi-hot.

Once they were both dressed, they grabbed breakfast at a diner and then were back on the road for their last ten hours of the journey. Harry was still driving, and YN still had her feet on the dash whilst singing along to Linda Ronstadt whilst studying a map with her finger. Harry just couldn’t believe last night happened, and every time he looked at her, he couldn’t help but beam.

Just as they were pulling into Las Vegas, YN couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

Harry turned to her fleetingly, his eyebrows furrowing, “What?”

“Nothing,” YN shook her head, tucking some of her hair behind her ear.

“No, you’ve got to tell me now,” Harry smiled at her, “I can’t take the suspense.”

“It’s just Las Vegas,” YN laughed, “We could pull over and get hitched.”

Harry smiled and laughed for a minute and then his face dropped, “A Vegas wedding isn’t your dream, is it?”

YN shrugged, “As long as I’m happy, a Vegas wedding could be my dream. But then again, I couldn’t get married without Vivienne or I wouldn’t live to see my honeymoon.”

Harry laughs and carries on driving, putting Las Vegas behind them. The rest of the car ride was quiet, but they didn’t mind. The second that they entered California, YN felt so happy to be back on home soil. The only problem was the fight to stay sober which had been so simple in Minnesota wasn’t going to be so simple here. The one thing that YN knew she was going to be able to do now was write.

After last night, there were so many ideas and thoughts going through her head that she just trying to keep a hold of them so she could get them down properly later.

“Hey,” Harry turned to YN, watching as the girl turned her head to look at him, “Are you, uh, wanting to go home?”

“What do you mean?” YN laughed, “Wasn’t that the main point of this?”

“I just thought,” Harry stops at a red light and turns to YN again, “Maybe because Viv’s still away, you’d maybe want to come stay with me for the night?”

YN bites her lip, reaching over to grab Harry’s hand. Every time that man opened his mouth, he surprised her. There was one thing that YN did need from her and Viv’s apartment though.

“Is it okay if we swing by the apartment though?” YN asked, “There’s a song that I want to get down, and I need my guitar.”

Harry didn’t even hesitate. He made his way towards their apartment and stopped outside.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” He asked but YN shook her head, leaning over to press a kiss to his lips.

“Thank you,” YN smiled, “But I’m only going to be a minute.”

YN got out of the camper and made her way up the stairs. YN knew that Vivienne had her keys, but it didn’t take long to find the one that YN put in the plant pot in cases like this where she knew that she would need to get in and didn’t have a key.

It felt so good to be home, especially when she walked inside, and everything felt normal. She dropped the key on the kitchen counter and made her way towards her room. As she was passing one of the cabinets, she nearly cried when she saw a new photo in a frame on the side. It was a photo that YN didn’t even know had been taken from the show that she did when her album had been released. It made YN tear up a little bit, and it made YN happy that Vivienne was so proud of her.

When she walked into her bedroom, it was exactly how YN remembered it but not at the same time. All of the alcohol and the pills that YN had left in the room had been cleaned up and presumably thrown out. YN didn’t know if Vivienne had checked all of the places where YN hid her drugs, but YN didn’t care at this exact moment. Putting those thoughts out of her head, YN grabbed her guitar which was by the side of her bed and made her way out of the apartment, locking the door and putting the key back in the flowerpot as she did.

YN placed the guitar in the back of the camper and jumped back in the front, Harry laughed at the beaming smile that YN had on her face.

“How long have I got before we’re on a crunch with the song?” Harry laughed, knowing exactly what was going through her head.

It was nice that they were both songwriters because they both had the same way that their mind works when it came to writing the songs.

“About twenty minutes,” YN laughed, and Harry immediately started the camper.

“Well, we’ll make sure we’re there in twenty minutes.”

“Don’t talk to me, either,” YN was completely serious about this, “I’m going to sing it over and over in my head.”

The drive to Harry’s house wasn’t as far away as YN thought it was, and YN couldn’t believe this was Harry’s house when he pulled up. It was gorgeous, and it was right on the beach and YN almost cried at the sight of it. Harry pulled the camper right in front, and they both got out and it just felt so right. Harry grabbed the bags and YN grabbed her guitar and they walked inside the house.

YN’s mouth dropped. It was perfect. If anything, Harry was living in her dream home. YN didn’t give herself that much time because once she was inside, she basically ran to the sofa and dropped down on it.

YN started to strum the guitar, tuning it as she did so that it was perfect. That’s when she began to hash the chords out and fitted the melody on top and that was when she was ready.

“I know you were always there when I needed you/ No matter whatever I had done/ You were always there when I needed you/ You had the faith and strength that I never had/ I got caught up in the world where nothing was as it seems.”

At this point, YN didn’t even realise that Harry was now standing behind her listening to every word that came out of her mouth. He was in complete awe of the girl, even more so now how she had managed to think of this whilst he was driving. All YN could think was that she needed to get this out and written down as quickly as she could before not only, she forgot it, but inspiration left her.

“I’ve been in love and lost my senses/ Spared my soul each night that I’ve cried your words/ And yes I know why/ Because you were all I needed/ All I ever needed.”

The second that the song had finished, or as much as the song that was in her head, she was running back to her bag so that she could grab her notebook and write the lyrics down. Harry was leant on the back of the sofa, beaming at her as finally looked up once her ideas were down.

“What?” She laughed, walking over, and standing in between his legs, allowing him to place his hands on her hips.

“You just amaze me, that’s all,” He smiled, and YN bit her lip to suppress her smile.

YN shook her head, “The flattery isn’t necessary, Styles, you’ve already got me into your bed.”

Harry shakes his head, watching as YN turns out of his hands and attempts to walk away. It doesn’t last for long as Harry wraps his arms around her waist and stops her in her tracks.

“Oh, yeah?” He places a kiss on her neck, “Well my bed is upstairs and I don’t see you in it.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“You’ll find out right now,” Harry laughs, spinning her around so that he could lift her up and wrap her legs around his waist.

YN was sitting on the end of Harry’s bed, as naked as the day she was born strumming her guitar with the view of the ocean filling her sight. Harry was lying on the bed, his back against the headboard and a newspaper and pen in hand whilst the two of them filled in a crossword.

“This is one for you,” Harry says, leaning forward slightly, “16th American President. 7 letters.”

YN laughed, “What? I’m supposed to know that because I’m American?”

“Well, yeah?” Harry laughed, moving so that he was sitting next to her, one of his resting behind her, “Aren’t all Americans obsessed with the presidents? Or if they aren’t, the school teaches you nothing but the presidents.”

“Well, you’re not wrong,” She laughs, taking one final glance at the crossword before smiling up at him, “It’s Lincoln.”

“I know I’m not,” He laughed, writing it down with a smile on his face.

YN continued to strum, every once in a while, her eyes fluttering from the sea out of the window to Harry, who had his lip between his teeth and seemed to be concentrating ever so hard on his crossword. It was at this point that an idea sprung into her head that she knew what she needed to do.

YN leaned her guitar against the bed and stood up, leaning over to grab the shorts that she had been wearing earlier as well as one of Harry’s shirts that had been disregarded on the floor earlier in their rushed attempts to undress. She buttoned up the shirt so that her chest was covered and grabbed her shoes as well.

“Where are you going?” Harry asked, dropping his crossword on the bed, and looking at her with his eyebrows furrowed.

“I’m going to the beach,” She grinned, grabbing her sunglasses from the side.

Harry laughed, “Right now?”

“Yeah,” She laughed, “The beach is right there, and I never go. So, I’m going to the beach.”

Harry laughs again, “Can I come?”

“I thought that was a given,” YN laughs, “But I’m not waiting for you, so hurry up!”

And with that, YN was out of the door and making her way towards the back door of the house which very conveniently opened to the beach. YN had lived in Los Angeles her entire life, and she could count the number of times that she had been to the beach on one hand. I bet Harry didn’t even know the number of times that he had been to the beach, especially because his house backed onto the beach.

The second YN reached the sand she was pulling her shoes off, wanting nothing more than to feel the sand between her toes. YN darted as far as she could out into the middle of the sand before stopping, just taking a deep breath, and allowing the sea air to wash over her.

YN forgot about the whole world revolving around her until she felt two arms wrap around her waist from the back. YN squealed as he lifted her up and spun her around, turning her in his arms as well so she was facing him. YN laughed, lifting her arms up to wrap them around his neck.

“What was that for?” She grinned, allowing her fingers to mess with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“That,” He laughed, bringing his hands so that they were rested on the small of her back, “Was for running off without me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” YN feigns with a pout on her lips.

“You will be,” Harry laughs and before YN knows anything they’re both toppled over in the sand, YN landing on top of Harry with a smile on her face.

YN laughed, leaning forward to capture his lips on hers as they lay on the beach, not a single other person in sight, no other sound but one of the waves crashing against the shore. This was something she could get used to – that she wanted to get used to. The feeling of being in Harry’s arms, of his lips on hers – it was a dream.

Once they pulled away from each other, mainly because they both needed some air to actually breathe, YN rested her head on Harry’s chest and rested her hand on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her, trying to pull her tighter if that was even possible. This scenario right here was the exact thing that had gotten YN through rehab, the thought that this was waiting for her on the other side was all that she needed. The only other thing that she needed was Vivienne, but she would see the girl tomorrow and YN could wait.

When she finally lifted her head up again, resting her chin on Harry’s chest so she could look at him. He had a slight furrow in his eyebrows, creating a crease between them. YN lifted her finger up to his face, running it along the frown line until it disappeared.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked, running her finger along his cheekbones now.

He grinned, grabbing her hand so that he could place a kiss on the tip of her finger, “I’m not thinking about anything.”

“Obviously you are,” YN laughs, shaking her head, “Come on, out with it.”

He sighs. At first, YN thought that it was just going to be something stupid, or something cute that they would’ve laughed at but then YN thought that it might be something a little more than that. It was by his hesitation mainly, but YN didn’t allow herself to dwell on it. Harry would tell her if it was important, but then again maybe he wouldn’t.

“I’m going back in the studio next week,” He says after a few beats, “And… I want you to come with me.”

YN sits up now, fully, pushing herself up so she’s looking at him. That wasn’t exactly what she was thinking was going to come out of his mouth, in all honesty, he didn’t think that was going to be it at all.

“What, uh,” She hesitates, coughing to clear her throat slightly, “What do you mean?”

“What I said,” He laughed, sitting up beside her as well and reaching over for her hand, “I want to write my next album with you, and maybe we can write yours.”

“Together?”

“Together,” He brought her hand up to place a kiss on the back of it.

It didn’t take long for YN’s face to beam the biggest smile possible and fling her arms around the man again. Out of everything, music was the thing that first bonded them and if they were able to do that again, this time with a full album, maybe even two – she was going to jump at the opportunity.

“So?” He asked one more time, pulling away so that he could look at her again, “You in?”

“Yes,” YN laughed, leaning forward to kiss his lips, “Yes, yes, a million times yes.”

“Well then, you better get your thinking cap on,” He laughed, “Because we’re gonna have fucking songs to write.”

“My thinking cap?” YN scoffed, nudging his shoulder with hers, “You’re saying that to the girl who just wrote a masterpiece on a road trip?”

“Yeah, only because I was focusing on driving,” Harry laughed, “All you had to do was sit there and look pretty.”

“Sit there and look pretty?” YN scoffs, pulling away from Harry and standing up, “Is that all you think I’m good for?”

“I mean,” Harry shrugged, pushing himself up from the sand to follow her. YN squealed when his hands wrapped around her waist again, “I suppose you can sing fine too.”

“Fine?” YN scoffed, trying to weave her way out of Harry’s arms, “I can sing fine? You cheeky son of a bitch.”

“I’m a cheeky son of a bitch?” Harry laughed, swinging his arms around her legs so that he could pick her up, “I’ll show you cheeky son of bitch.”

“Harry, no,” YN’s face dropped when she realised what Harry was doing, “No, Harry, it’s cold and you’re going to drop me.”

Harry laughed, walking them forward until his feet were in the water, “I’m not going to drop you.”

“Harry the water is freezing!” YN squealed as some drops from a wave hit her skin.

“Is it? I didn’t even notice,” He shrugged, “I don’t even think it’s that bad. You want to try?”

“Harry, no,” YN gripped his bicep as he pretended to drop her, but caught her not long after letting go, “Harry, get out of the water we’re going to freeze.”

Harry actually listened to her and started to walk out of the water, “You do know I wouldn’t have actually dropped you.”

“I know,” YN laughed, “Because I would have actually killed you.”

Harry laughed, “That wouldn’t have been very nice.”

“No,” YN laughed, “It wouldn’t.”

They were both beaming, but that didn’t stop them from leaning forward to kiss each other, and then for Harry to carry YN all the way back to the house.

YN stood looking at herself in the mirror. She was post-shower the next morning, her hair still damp from the water and a toothbrush dangling from her lips. She wasn’t going to lie and say that she didn’t enjoy sneaking a peek into Harry’s cupboards and cabinets.

“YN!” Harry called from what she guessed was the kitchen.

“Yeah?” The sound was muffled due to the toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, but she didn’t care.

“Someone’s here for you!”

YN furrowed her eyebrows and spat the toothpaste out of her mouth, “Give me a second!”

YN wiped her mouth and splashed her face with some water and walked out of the bathroom. At this point, YN was happy that Harry lived in a one-story house because it meant that she only had a few steps to take before she was in the living room.

When YN did, and she saw her favourite person in the whole world sat on the sofa waiting for her she couldn’t help the tears that collected in her eyes.

“Surprise!” Vivienne opened her arms and accepted the hug that the YN came bounding towards her with, “Hi babe.”

“Hi,” YN mumbled in her neck, giving her a squeeze before pulling away to look at Vivienne’s face, “I thought you weren’t back until tomorrow.”

“Change of plan,” She laughed, especially when YN wrapped her arms around her again, “We wrapped up late last night and I caught the first flight back that I could this morning.”

“I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too, babe, me too.”

When YN joined Vivienne on the sofa, it was as though no time had passed. They immediately sprung into a conversation, talking about Vivienne’s job and how the trip to Hawaii was and then the harder conversations about rehab and how YN was doing. YN tried to ignore the guilt that racked up in her body when Vivienne’s eyes started to tear up when mentioning the overdose, and her road to recovery.

Harry brought them both tea but busied himself in the kitchen so that he wasn’t impeding on the conversation and YN was thankful. She needed to do this for herself and speak about it freely with the girl she cared about the most, but it was nice to know that he was only a room away, supporting her silence.

“YN,” Vivienne reached over and grabbed her hand, “I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“No,” YN shook her head, “If anything, I need to be saying how sorry I am to you. I had a problem, and I was too fucked up to see it. You saw it, both you and Harry did, and I ignored it. I ignored it until it was too late.”

“It wasn’t too late,” Vivienne shakes her head, “You’re still here, aren’t you?”

“I am,” YN nodded, bringing Vivienne’s hand up to place a kiss on the back of it, “And I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me now.”

“Good,” Vivienne moves closer so that their arms are pressed together, “Because you do know if you died, I’d have to kill you.”

YN laughed, placing her head on top of her friends, “I’ll take your word for it.”

Harry, it turned out, had been cooking up a storm for them in the kitchen. YN’s mouth salivated at the sight of waffles with maple syrup being placed down in front of her. It was almost as though that man knew the key to her heart, and that sweet breakfast foods were certainly that.

It wasn’t her fault that she had a sweet tooth, and it certainly wasn’t her fault when she had to venture back into the kitchen to get more syrup.

“Next time I’ll just bring it out, yeah?” Harry laughed, running his hand down her back as she walked past.

YN scoffed and sat back down next to Vivienne, “You should have already known that.”

YN could feel Vivienne’s eyes burning into the back of her skull, but she ignored it and spooned another mouthful of waffle in. When she finally did turn to look at the girl, YN was surprised to see her eyebrows raised at her.

“What?” YN mumbled, confused as to why her friend was acting so strange.

“Nothing,” Vivienne shook her head, looking back down at her own waffle with a sly grin on her face.

“There’s obviously something,” YN pressed, wiping the corners of her mouth as she did so.

“No, it’s just…” The girl trailed off before laughing, “I’m glad you two finally worked on that sexual tension of yours.”

“Vivienne!” YN’s mouth dropped open, and she couldn’t even meet Harry’s eye but when she did turn to look at him, she wanted to smack that shit-eating grin off his face, “And what are you grinning about?”

“I mean,” He shrugged, “She’s not wrong.”

YN didn’t hesitate to pick up one of the couch pillows from the side of her and throw it in his direction. He moved out of the way so that it didn’t hit him but the thought was still there from her.

“No, in all honesty, I’m happy for you both,” Vivienne laughed, “I honestly don’t think I could’ve gone another week of watching this one pine over you.”

YN’s mouth drops open even more if that’s possible, “I didn’t pine!”

“Yes, yes you did.”

“Don’t worry,” Harry smiles at her, “I pined after you too.”

The three of them burst into laughter and as YN sat there, on Harry’s couch surrounded by her two-favourite people in the world she finally felt as though things may be looking up in her life, as though things may be okay.

If only she knew.

#rm #harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles writing #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles au #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x reader #harry styles x yn #harry styles x you #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles series #series

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oneforthemunny · 1 year ago

Note

Please rank your top 10 fics you've written! I want to see what your favourites are!

i've had to think about this a lot but i think i've found them.

definitely some sunny day. i'm not very good at angst in my opinion. i just idk it's not what i usually go for but i wanted to write something about eddie's past and how you really impacted him in the best way. i'm very proud of this one honestly.

next i'm going to say groupie love. for the sole fact of it took so much time and energy and i loved it. it was filthy and raunchy, and ironically my first rockstar!eddie fic lol. it was fun to write.

i have to give a top spot to my love older!eddie (the man who started it all) and i will definitely be saying can't hurry love might be one of my favorites. i loved writing the dynamic of being parents and how things are different but the same. they're still in love and it's just so cute!

i love mafia!eddie and i love him being soft and sweet and adorable and just living his best because he deserves it truly. an angel's kiss in spring just holds a special place in my heart truly lol.

i'll agree with the non, that car troubles is a top and deserves number five lol. filthy and fun and i will forever be thankful to who requested it on my old blog lol. one of the best things that came out of horny hours.

this one was very different for me because i usually never write sub!eddie fics at all, but when the lore around eddie being a switch (and a bratty one at that) i just had to write it. on your worst behavior was so odd to write but in the best way. i could really picture it and it was different but worked very well with him. i don't want my eddies to seem all the same so i like to make little personalities for each of them, and i feel this one really captures bouncer!eddie's.

seek and destroy is my favorite because it was fun to write. i like fics that come easy and spark inspiration like this one. i genuinely enjoyed writing it. it came easy and entertained me.

this one caused some drama lol, but idc this is my fave modern!eddie. take care shows their dynamic very well. they're not perfect, not by a long shot, but he's a little simp (that's a little head empty no thoughts at a lot of times) and she's wound fuckin' tight. "he basically just fucked her to make up for it" like yeah??? that's the point lmao. he's a man idk what to tell you about that one. that's a little out there for a man to do bc most would gaslight you not eat you out lmao.

the og blurb did good and this one kinda flopped but idc because i loved writing be my baby. i really felt the dialogue was good and captured their personalities, and it was fun for me at the end of the day. i don't usually write steddie and it was fun to try.

last... i have to stick with my dilf!love. you make loving fun i've said before is one of my favorites simply because it shows a lot about their relationship. how your different from gina and this is one of the first times eddie realizes he's capable and worthy of something better and has found it (gina ruined him fuck her) and it's soft and sweet and i love it.

#oneforthemunny #munnytalks

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aliceinchainscr · 9 months ago

Text

Sean Kinnney’s sister posted this on Facebook about Layne Staley.

A message from a long time friend of Layne's. It does not matter that the friend did not sign their name at the end of this message...it only makes it more clear that this person was a TRUE friend to Layne.

Some people have to step on others to feel good about

themselves. Others

think money is the answer to all things. Layne would be laughing

that anyone

is even talking about him and glad that those full of anger have

a place to

spew it out. Maybe if they shit it all out of their system they

will have

only good left in them, one can only hope.

Labeling Layne a junkie is as ridiculous as calling someone Big

Nose Joe or

Straight Haired Mary, and those of you who have to do it look in

the mirror

and tell me you don't see faults. Layne wasn't a Rockstar, he

was a human

being with the same human feelings we all have about ourselves.

He also had

the same insecurities. People who don't know you saying they

love you

doesn't change how you perceive yourself, because the bottom

line is you

know the truth. Those talking about him don't even know him.

Layne had a disease he tried desperately to rid himself of and

wished he

didn't have. Would you be so cruel to someone who had cancer?

You don't just

walk away from an addiction. If it's so easy, I challenge anyone

to give up

something as simple as sugar/high fructose corn syrup. I bet

they couldn't

even for one week; it's in everything: bread, mayonnaise, fruit

juice etc.

Until you've walked in those shoes........

As far as having the resources to get off it, there are far more

sick fucks

out there that wanted to get close to him by mailing him drugs,

and putting

them in his pocket when he'd go out, or stalking him than

friends and

family. Let me tell you he had a ton of those. To protect him

from those

people meant a lifestyle where your full time job was to

baby-sit the

situation. Who can pay their bills and live a normal life

protecting someone

else 24/7?

Layne was a beautiful sensitive man that would do anything for

anyone. He

loved everyone and truly appreciated that people dug him, dug

the band and

dug the music. The world is an uglier place without his

kindness,his warmth,

his great sense of humor, and his fun. Layne never accepted the

title of

Rockstar. He was just easygoing, approachable Layne. He thought

it was weird

people would want his autograph and people were down right rude

trying to

get it. While he was out to dinner or even going to the

bathroom. Being

successful doesn't allow people to have the right to do that.

What happened

to common courtesy? Yet he would oblige, smile and be friendly.

Layne didn't think of himself as a great artist. He was just a

man that

loved art, and I can say one of the most artistic people ever.

He could do

anything that involved creating art and do it extraordinarily

well.

I remember him talking to Kurt once about "how do you react to

the person

acting like your best friend that used to make your life pure

hell when you

were in school, then were too nice to tell them to fuck off?"

Instead they'd

be nice and let it eat them up inside.

Layne lost the love of his life 6 years ago; people would

actually show up

at the hospital with heroin for her in hopes of seeing him. Fans

even showed

up to her funeral! She too couldn't get away from the harassing

dealers and

on many occasions would have to hide in their house because

dealers or fans

with drugs would sit out front and stalk the place relentlessly.

Not for 20

minutes, not for an hour, we're talking: camping out, sleeping

in their

cars, sitting on the porch, and banging on the windows. Tell me

how you quit

an addiction when it's put in your face everywhere you turn?

Think of all

the freedoms you have, like going to the grocery store, going to

get gas,

going anywhere, which he didn't have.

You know how many people pretended to want to help him and ended

up stealing

from him? Not just things like money, his credit cards, music

equipment,

etc. but personal stuff he couldn't replace? Like pictures of

him and Demri,

or him and his friends, or him and his family. Those were

commodities to

people, to him they were valued treasures. Layne was never a

person to those

people, he was just a badge where people with low self-esteem

could brag

they knew him. In his altered sense and with his kind heart he

would never

get it until it was too late. When he did, he never did anything

harsh, like

press-charges. Those people robbed him of his girlfriend, robbed

him of his

family, and robbed him of his friends. Who out there would like

to go

through life wondering if everyone in your life has ulterior

motives and

never really knowing? The disappointment of how you'd feel when

you

discovered, one after another after another, had listened to

your innermost

personal thoughts, pretended to be a friend and wasn't.

He couldn't go back to music because heroin ravished his body

and it made

him feel more insecure and more like a target. Because of those

that feel

the need to put someone else down to feel good about themselves.

He spent

the last 5 years existing, not living. The Layne that died

wasn't the beam

of light he was to everyone that knew him. Although it was in

there

somewhere. Or the jokester that thought that farts were funny

and that would

laugh when Demri would geek out on a song or a commercial. He

didn't have a

home that was an open door to everyone like he did when he lived

Eastlake. The pad you could crash at after getting a little to

drunk at the

Off-Ramp or partying at the Son of Man house or El Steiner's.

Those were the

days he loved; a surprise birthday party at Naf's that Demri put

together

and his friends from War Babies, My Sister's Machine, Sweet

Water, Love on

Ice, etc. Playing, dressing up as a peasant girl for Halloween,

anything

chocolate, hanging out in the summer. It takes more than wanting

that back

for it to happen.

So they can say what they want, because the bottom line is it

doesn't matter

to those of us who knew and loved Layne and it certainly

wouldn't to Layne.

I doubt they matter to anyone in their lives and that's what's

really sad.

That they have to, like the drug addict harassers, latch on to

him in anyway

they can to feel like they got a piece of him and like they've

touched

greatness. What's even sadder is it's their loss because they

don't have a

person in their lives that would go to any lengths to put a

smile on their

face, do something for them, say nice things about them,

compliment them, or

make them feel good about themselves. Someone who would tell you

how much

value you had to him and to his life. All of us who knew him and

Demri could

go the rest of our lives as hermits with all the positivity they

passed on

to us because no one would be so lucky to get that in one

lifetime, let

alone from just 2 people.

I am glad he's not suffering anymore and I have no doubt Demri's

more than

happy to have him back. I am sure she's the Hostess with the

Mostest and has

made a home for everyone. With Andy, Shannon and Kurt who shared

her

birthday. With the recent death of one of her brothers, who died

in a car

crash last month. I'm positive, being the social butterfly she

is, everyone

in music is at their pad and they're just waiting for the rest

of us they

loved, and who loved them back, to arrive. Poor Layne has gone

back to being

the guy that everyone says, "Oh you're the guy that's Demri's

boyfriend";

with her being the celebrity in the family like it was when they

were first

dating.

Though I knew it would end this way, I refuse to forget the way

he was.

His name was Layne Elmer.

He liked wood shop and music.

He was a drummer first, then a singer.

He smoked some pot and popped cross tops.

He sang Metallica and Mercyful Fate covers in spandex and big

hair.

Even though he changed his last name, I always called him Elmer.

Even though he made it big, he always made time to visit with me

at shows.

Even though we didn't keep close contact, we always asked about

each others

families.

Even though he was famous, he acted like he wasn't.

Even though Layne Staley is a "God" or "Legend" to his fans, He

will always

be Layne Elmer to me.

#layne staley #alice in chains #drug abuse #tw

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we-joyless-few · 2 years ago

Text

Waking Up Again

[tagging @joyful-downer so u can see this!!]

summary:

Nick Lightbearer wakes up again, only instead of a pretty bird or his rat manager, it’s someone rather unexpected- someone… dangerous.

basically a Foggy Jack/Nick Lightbearer fic bc there r only TWO on AO3 and i am going insane

fic and warnings under readmore!

sorry it’s not longer ^^” i kinda ran out of steam for this one, but i have more Jack and Nick stuff in the works >:)

-------------------------------------------------

things to expect:

-3rd POV

-dark content(WHF-typical)

-nsfw(mostly just suggestive stuff, questionably consensual though)

-alternative ending? i guess?

-hopefully not too OOC

-toxic relationship 🫣(>:3)

-more, probably

really hoping i dont let ppl down with this one [sweats nervously]

-------------------------------------------------

Nick awoke with a start… again. His memories came in flashes that caused him to flinch slightly, mostly what happened to Virgil, but also other things done by Foggy Jack. God, why did he have to remember that?

Another thing he recalled was repeatedly waking up beside people who he didn’t remember being with. Honestly, it made him nervous to turn to his right, but his curiosity was eating away at him.

He peeked over to see a blonde-haired figure dressed in all black out of the corner of his eye, which seemed quite familiar… especially as the figure rolled over to face Nick. “Oh fuck,” Lightbearer whispered, scooting backwards until his back hit the juncture between his headboard and the wall.

“Good morning, dear friend,” Foggy Jack responded, his voice coming out soft. He sounded rather tired, but content. “Come back over here, Nick. I won’t bite.”

The musician shook his head fearfully, terrified of the man despite how little of a threat he posed at the moment. “You killed Virgil! Why would I even THINK to get all cozied up to you?!”

Jack chuckled and sat up with a yawn. “I’m not going to kill you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Nick scoffed. “I know I’ve been a selfish asshole, but I’m not worried about me.” His eyes darted around the room, trying to recall any other ways to abscond with himself besides his secret escape path. “Why do you like me so much anyway?”

“It’s… complicated.” Something in the killer’s tone was off; he sounded almost vulnerable. “I liked you long before I was- was this. Hell, I’d point out how your band was everyone’s favorite in my broadcasts!” He moved closer to Nick, making direct eye contact that left the rockstar feeling uncomfortable but unable to look away. “In reality, you were always my favorite. None of those idiotic, mindless, Joy-addled Wellies could EVER understand how I feel about you.”

The red-clad individual felt guilty for- well, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was similar to the guilt he felt when he let his fans down, and the discomfort that came with pleasing them. Anxiously, he fidgeted with the lacy cuffs on his sleeves and averted his gaze. “I… see.”

“You are my one true love, Nick Lightbearer, and I want you to be mine.” Foggy Jack was just inches away from the other man’s face as he reached up to stroke Nick’s cheek. “I’m your biggest fan- always have been, always will be… Will you please, please give me this chance?”

The guilt was making Nick feel sick to his stomach. “I-“ His voice cracked, so he cleared his throat to try again. “I… guess we can try.” He couldn’t bring himself to sound any cheerier, not even as the other man sounded enthralled.

“Oh, thank you, Nick, truly, thank you!” Jack cheered, immediately wrapping his arms around Nick as he settled himself on top of the other, his head resting on Nick’s torso under his cravat. Not only was he comfortable, but he felt secure in knowing that his object of his affection wouldn’t be going anywhere.

Nick awkwardly placed one of his hands on Jack’s head, running his fingers through his surprisingly-silky hair. The repeat motion of basically petting the other was surprisingly relaxing, and it didn’t take too long for Nick to become more comfortable. His other hand eventually moved to Jack’s back, curiously feeling the soft-yet-sturdy fabric of his well-crafted suit beneath his fingers.

“I think, if we weren’t so famous in our separate mediums, we would have been together sooner,” Jack mused, his eyes closed as he comfortably rested on his beloved.

“Maybe,” Nick quietly replied, nodding a little. “Healthier, too, probably.”

“Hmm, yes, I think so as well.” A soft sigh left Jack’s lips. “But we’re together now, and that is what I believe matters.”

“I- Yeah…” The musician faltered slightly, but Jack didn’t seem to care. “Why do you hurt people?”

“The same reason you did: to get what I want, and reduce my own discomfort.” Jack curled up slightly, as if trying to make himself be as close to Nick in his position as possible. “But you’re doing better now, and, well, I have exactly what I want, so there is no need for me to continue gutting people in the streets, I’d say.”

‘Christ, that’s dark…’ Nick thought, looking at his new partner anxiously. “Y-yep! No need for more killings, I’m right here.” He tried to speak confidently and triumphantly, but in reality he sounded like he was panicking- which he was, but Jack didn’t have to know that.

A smirk pulled at the corners of the killer’s mouth as he heard the fear in Nick’s voice. “What if I did kill again? What would you do then?” he purred, moving further up to rest his head against the left side of his obsession’s chest.

“I-I don’t bloody know!” Nick stammered, his anxiety rising. He felt his cheeks redden from the pleased sound Foggy Jack made at the fearful pounding of his heart. “J-just… don’t kill any more people, please… For me?”

The slightly-shorter man chuckled softly and moved up higher once again, this time being face-to-face with Nick. “I cannot make any promises, my beloved.” Right as Nick was about to protest, Jack took off his mask, leaned in and pressed their mouths together, kissing the rockstar until Nick nearly passed out. “You need to learn to breathe if we’re going to do this.”

Lightbearer coughed and gasped as he desperately tried to reintroduce air into his lungs. “Y-you’re fucking mental,” he wheezed, taking off his own mask to cool down his face. A little sound of surprise left his lips as Jack began kissing his jaw and neck, leaving him an anxious, trembling mess. “J-Jack, you- ghhh-!”

“Hush now, Nicky,” Foggy Jack whispered, pressing more kisses along Nick’s jaw. “Just let me take care of you.” His nimble, skilled fingers drew invisible patterns across Nick’s chest, even tracing his name over his heart a few times. “Don’t be scared… Or, maybe do be afraid. I like seeing you so helpless beneath me.”

Nick whimpered as he lay there. Jack was right: he was helpless, and honestly… it turned him on a little. “L-listen, Jack, I- I’m getting really, uh, tired! Tired, yeah! Um… Maybe we could just… sleep together?” At Jack’s raise of his eyebrow, Nick squeaked and stammered, “N-not in that way! I mean- I mean, uh… You’re the big spoon..?”

A raucous laugh erupted from the propagandist’s chest, making Nick flinch. “Oh, silly boy… I can tell you’re not being fully honest with me, but I cannot pass up on an opportunity to sleep so close to you~” He moved off the other, but kept a close eye on him in case he tried to run.

The rockstar blushed and scooted down on the bed until his head was on the pillows again, rolling onto his side. “Come on, then,” he softly said, inviting Jack to lie down by patting the bed behind him. “Let’s rest.”

And with that, Jack wasted no time in embracing Nick from behind, resting his forehead against Nick’s back. Their height difference would almost be funny to Nick if Jack were anyone else, so instead of a laugh, he let out a sigh and shut his eyes.

“Goodnight, beloved,” Jack whispered, nuzzling his partner gently.

“…Goodnight, Jack,” Nick mumbled in reply, relaxing as best as he could.

End (for now) !!

#we happy few #nick lightbearer #foggy jack #from the parade #scribbles of a lightbearer #Waking Up Again #ship post #eventually i’ll put this on ao3!

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colleenmurphy · 11 months ago

Text

"Do you want some tea with honey?"

"No, I don't want any buggering tea, Colleen."

Came the snap that she'd been expecting, Cage was well...cagey for the lack of a better term as they were crammed into the bus. Their feet were freezing but their faces were roasting and the only hot water they had came form the electric kettle Helene had the good sense to send in Col's back up bag. A huge cookie and brownie bouquet were in the works for Ms. Starling indeed.

She had had a long night, they all had. She had been in charge of not only ensuring their rider had been set up properly ( it hadn't ) but also stitching Cage into the stage clothes she'd made by hand herself for him and ensuring his mic pack didn't budge. ( It had because he moved just as she was stuffing it into the pouch ) and she felt like she had a cold coming on. Being homesick on top of it all hadn't added to the lovey mood but Cage's snapping at her had set her off.

"PULL OVER!"

She barked, making Herschel their ancient bus driver startle and swerve for a moment before guiding their ancient bus to the left side of the shoulder. Wrenching Cage out of his seat with much protest from him and down the two steps out into the damp foggy night. They were in Eryri not too far from Col's Granny's place in Dyfi Hills.

"You've been in a shit mood all damn tour. Is it me? Have I done something so heinous to you that it's come down to you treating me like this?"

Cage stood there fumbling his hands stuffing his pockets.

"N..no I'm just tired."

"We all are, Cage. Get your head out of your arse and be thankful you've got a team working to keep you the green. This entitled rockstar shit doesn't last and you know it. Remember when you first started and how happy you were to be out here..doing...this? Living. Remember that."

Deep down in her gut Colleen knew Cage had lost sight of where he wanted to go. It wasn't about the music anymore for him, it's was just money.

"It's about the music."

He stuttered as he looked down at her Birkenstock covered feet. He noticed that she had on very warm looking handmade wool socks. She had dressed in earthy neutrals this evening, what she wore had been sturdy and homemade, probably back at the cottage land she shared with Nigel. Or rather, formerly shared with Nigel Craven. He'd heard around that she'd asked him to leave. He wondered how she was holding up. But he didn't dare ask because she'd say she was fine. Mary Colleen Sheehan was always fine even if she was on fire and falling apart.

"It's always been about the music. You just got a little lost."

Offering him her hand he allowed her to lead him back to the van with a small smile.

"Why didn't you punch him, love?"

Herschel enquired to her, his large watery blue eyes looking impossibly large and very owlish behind his spectacles.

"Because I plan on getting him smoked up on some gaid and we'll be good to go. Give a moment."

Cracking open one of the fiddly creaky windows with just enough grace about her to mutter an under breath curse as she pinched her fingers. Settling herself down into the seat and patting the squishy bit of cushion beside her, a beanbag she'd brought along just in case, and smiled opening her leather carry all tote. A certain smell that Cage would always associate with Col wafted towards him as he tried to watch her long nimble fingers grind and steadily pack a tiny bowl in her ceramic pipe. In this moment his friend and de facto manager looked like a forest gnome bundled against the chill and smoking her Gandalf pipe. Passing the pipe and a lighter to him she smiled.

"It'll help your appetite. I know you still get those spells of not wanting to eat."

A narrow glance at her through his dark fringe.

"Nigel told you."

"Yes he did but I'm also not blind you git. Out of practice are we? Put it in your mouth tilt the hot flame towards it and inhale small and slow."

She even mimed it for him with a tiny mirth filled smile. She and Nigel truly were his dearest friends. He missed Charlie Wilbury and he knows Colleen does. His Irish friend had been through hell and back and had come back home to her home country to spend time with her family. America hadn't felt like much of a home after she'd been put on lock down in the compound like house she and Charlie had owned.

'With every beat of my heart. But he'd want us to go on living.'

He heard her in his head as he snuck a look at her as he did as she instructed. The heady sweet heavy scent of brown sugar and burnt rope filled the bus and trailed out the window into the starry night. He watched her reach into her purse once more and pull out a flask.

"This is Minnie's cure all additive to your tea. Especially when it's cold."

Tipping a slug into the awaiting teacup she had perched form her last offer to him and held it out. Herschel had pulled the back onto the road after Maurice had gotten the thumbs up from Col.

"Trade you."

Something about the way that she smelled like lavender honey, cinnamon spice tea and weed made Cage drowsy. He detected a note of Temple Incense in there somewhere too, she always had the cones on her after Charlie passed. Holding out the bowl to her and taking the heavy handled brightly colored Polishware mug he took a sip. He watched as she took a dainty hit and held it before taking a sip of her own directly from the flask. He took a second and then a third sip as she exhaled a plume of smoke that sailed out over her left shoulder.

"God help those poor sheep."

She muttered as she crossed herself and as they shared a look they erupted into a fit of the giggles. Five minutes later Maurice and Colm got in on the fun and an acoustic was brought out. Herschel found himself being entertained all the way Bala. As he listed to Colleen sing along with Colm and Maurice he noticed her light come back. Here she was singing about the Calvary Cross and that bitch called a muse and the rigors of tour life with a smile on her face as if her world hadn't fallen apart just three years before.

This was exactly what Cage had forgotten about, simply living in the moment and being carried by the music.

#blurbs #songbird lost along the way verse

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neochan-ficrecs · 1 year ago

Text

[spoilers under the cut!]

i love rockstar aus and you, my dear jing, have absolutely blown every single one i've ever read out of the water.

there isn't enough praise in the world to relay how i feel about this fic. how it made me sit for two days straight at work, wondering when i'll be able to read the rest. what the next scene was. when was i going to be able to eat the rest of it upp. bc you served. hard.

i think the best thing from this story was that it made me actually mad. hot and cold hyuck - not giving a single thing to the reader. everything had to be his choice. he doesn't want to take her viriginity, until he wants to. he doesn't want to have an ongoing thing with her, until it's his idea.

but what equally pisses me off is how pliant the reader becomes. how easily she gives in to whatever he wants. even when she's crying for days on end that he fucks other people. that he hurts her. that he hurts his friends.

and i know that hyucks personality is supposed to be an asshole with a semi-soft spot for the reader, but every time he calls her princess, every time theres a soft touch, it just felt so condescending. that he obviously has these rules set in place for himself, which he won't break. not even for the reader - someone who he can see being in his life for longer than two hours after a show. he's an asshole even in those soft moments because he's not giving his true self. like jeno said at the end, this is a carefully crafted extension of himself, and he's not gonna break it for anyone.

and that's why i love the fact that you're splitting it into two parts. maybe you'll give him more genuine soft moments, where he opens up parts of himself, but i think even keeping him in this asshole/condescending closed-off persona, will work. it's so true to the story. because haechan was like this long before he ever met the reader. so whats so special about her? what makes her want him to be genuine and open up.?

and referring back to the jeno scene at the end, i think it was brilliant. who knows more about haechan than a bandmate? someone who shares an apartment, a stage, and a lifestyle with him? and reader should listen. although i'm speculating that it's not the case and maybe reader was held up and couldn't go to the bar, or maybe she forgot or overslept or had to do something other than attend. because truly. there isn't a single part of the fic thus far that shows she is a free thinking individual. for example, she understood that if she left with haechan, she would hurt mark and jisung, yet she didn't feel bad until after she was in the car with haechan. she'll do anything for him, and nothing thus far shows the opposite. so no, i don't think jeno scared her into not coming. maybe he planted seeds of doubt, but the fact that she didn't bring it back up to haechan the moment she was told, proves that she won't tell him. so maybe she disappears, but i truly don't think that's what happened. and i can't wait to see if my theory holds up in part two...

but. i have to say jing, the way you craft haechan is absolutely perfect. the beginning scene where he's sitting on the side of the stage after the show, shows his boyish nature (loved that scene so much omg) and then we get his asshole side, his jealous side, his softish side, etc.

smut was hot, writing was phenomenal, characterization was a 10000/10. please give jisung SOMETHING. that boy deserved so much better. omg and when hyuck came out on stage, i literally said out loud "the girls are fighting" and my boyfriend looked at me like i was crazy. LMAO. and mark... i need to know if he has a girlfriend bc that question was never answered. and maybe theres a scene in part two where reader and his gf come in contact... idk.

anyway i've rambled on and theorized. i love this fic. i love your brain. keep up the great writing. i literally aspire to make a fic this well rounded. <333

signing off, sam

haechan — settle down (rockstar hyuck) | part 1 of 2

wc: 22k (!!!!!!!) genre: angst, smut (18+ minors dni), fluff warnings: loss of virginity, very soft sex (hand-holding during sex), lots of kissing, protected sex, haechan fucks...a lot, fingering, oral (f receiving), very faint corruption kink, JEALOUSY, possessiveness (marking, signing on your body), handjob, car sex, cumplay, spit, exhibitionism (!), slight dumbification, slight degradation, titty-sucking etc, sweet aftercare a/n: i worked a lot on this and i really hope u like it.... i really hope it's hot... i hope u like rockstar haechan...please let me know what u think... (fic playlists)

he's been staring at you all night.

the bass thrums insistent in your chest, overriding your heartbeat, as you cling onto the barrier between the stage and the crowd. lights flash before your eyes, almost blinding you with how fast they blinked, and you can barely make out the faces of the boys onstage as they play their last song of the night. the air is damp, excitement riding high over the crowd in waves of endless screams that never seem to stop.

and the boy on the far right, fingers moving deftly over the strings of his electric guitar, hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last five minutes.

a sharp smile tugs at his lips, smokey makeup making his gaze ever more piercing as he looks down at you through his overgrown bangs, hairs at the nape of his neck unruly and wild. the lights throw the features of his face into high contrast, the tattoos curling on his neck and hip screaming for attention, as do the glint of jewelry scattered everywhere on his body. you feel smaller and smaller under his gaze, something lewd about the way he runs his tongue over his lips, eyes practically undressing you. he never seemed to stop moving his body as he played, bouncing on his toes or letting his body lean away from the sound, the music fuelling and becoming one with his movements as if he were a dancer.

as the music crashes and swells towards the end of his solo, his eyes slide over to yours with a practiced precision, as if he had memorized your position in the crowd. swaying his hips from side to side, his eyelids droop just slightly into a half-lidded stare, as he ruts his hips playfully against his guitar.

the screams of the other fans are deafening, but you can hardly hear it over the rush of your heartbeat in your own ears.

haechan finally looks away, a small smile on his face as he signals to his bandmates towards the song's ending. you feel almost empty as the weight of his attention lifts off of you, pressing yourself up against the railing on tip-toe to try and catch his eye again before sinking down and feeling like an idiot.

he was just doing fanservice for an audience member, nothing more. you try not to find his actions endearing as he slings his arm around the lead singer, mark, his surprisingly boyish laugh making your heart flutter in your chest as he waves towards his fans one more time.

people are leaving the venue, the sounds of their excitement getting further and further away, but you stand there, reeling, clutching onto the metal barrier, sure that if you took your hands off it you would fall. finally, glancing up at the stage one last time, you're just about to leave to find your friend, the only reason you were even here, when –

"leaving so soon?"

the boy is sitting on the stage right in front of you, leaning forward so you can see his face clearly. up close, he's even prettier than before, delicate almost doll-like legs wrapped under ripped skinny jeans, leading up to thick and toned thighs, his slender waist shadowed under his large leather jacket ridden with buckles and straps. without the bright stage lights, you can see the moles on his skin, tracing a dangerous path under the collar of his shirt.

at your lack of response, he raises his eyebrows. "i asked if you were leaving, princess."

"i have to find my friend," the words come out rushed. "um…jaemin? your band hired him tonight as the photographer."

"i remember," he nods. "so…you're not a fan?"

"no." he nods, silence filling the space between the both of you. you can see him start to formulate a goodbye, his heart-shaped lips parting, but you don't want the conversation to end, you don't want him to stop looking at you. "- but…i really enjoyed your show."

he looks a little surprised, and a genuine smile spreads sweetly across his face. "why?" he challenges.

"what?"

"what did you like about our show?" his eyes glint, and you know he's teasing you.

"the songs were good," you mumble.

"yeah?" he licks his lips, a slight hint of nervousness showing on his face as he clears his throat. "who was your favorite member?"

"huh?"

"your favorite band member," he repeats, tilting his head to the side. "jeno, he's our drummer, mark's the lead singer, jisung plays bass and i…" he waves his hand absentmindedly towards his guitar, on the stand, still onstage behind him. "i'm haechan," he adds.

if you wanted to get to know him, it wouldn't hurt to show a little of exactly how much you liked him, would it? "you were my favorite," you admit. "you…you have really good stage presence," you blurt out.

"stage presence?"

"yeah. when i'm in the crowd…i can't really pay attention to anything else. and you…" you swallow, heat burning up your cheeks, but the way his eyes were looking at you with curiosity making you finish your thought. "you make the audience feel like they want to please you." the unspoken truth, that you, as part of the audience, wanted to please him, hangs in the air.

your embarrassment, at saying something so suggestive and raw, is quickly washed away by the smile tugging at the corner of his lip, a smirk that quickly spreads across his face into a grin. you're so mesmerized by it, that you're taken aback by the way he suddenly shifts, hopping down the stage lightly and standing in front of you.

"princess," he says, softly, placing his hands on the railing next to yours so the sides of your fingers barely brush. "do you want to come to a party?"

you resist the urge to immediately say yes. "what party?"

"there's one after every show. jaemin will have been invited, he can take you." the venue has emptied out, even his bandmates have left the stage. and yet, his voice is pitched low as he leans in, body warmth radiating off of him, and you are so close, you can see the smudged eyeliner on his lower lash line, can make out the grey of his colored contact lenses. "you can find me there."

"but…" you feel lost. "why can't you just take me?"

"if we show up together, it'll seem a little like we're dating, no?" his voice is quiet, but firm.

hurt and confusion blossoms in your chest. was it really that serious? keeping your voice as nonchalant as possible, you ask, "would that be so bad? for…for us to date?”

but you know it's the wrong thing to say.

he exhales slowly, a brief look of pain flitting over his features. he hated doing this, hated reaching the point in conversations where rules and boundaries had to be discussed. nights where he found his girls at the party were the easiest, letting body language and long glances do the talking, as few strings attached as possible.

but today he couldn't stop looking at you, in the front row, couldn't help sliding his eyes over and checking to see if you were watching him, a pleased thrum burning in his chest every time his gaze found yours. it seemed logical, to spend his time with you tonight. but if he'd known you'd felt like this, he never would have waited onstage.

"what's your name, princess?"

"y/n."

"y/n, i'm not making you my girlfriend," he states, bluntly. "i can't, and i don't want to. you can meet me at the party later, but we'll just fuck – nothing else."

his words make you feel small, his tone harsh compared to his previous meandering way of speaking. even then, the thought of letting him walk away, to never see him again, to end this story on this moment, made you feel worse than anything.

at the look on your face, he softens slightly.

"i'm sorry if you thought this was going to be more," he says, quietly. "you don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"i do," you correct him. frustrated, he sighs, and you rush to clarify. "i'll meet you at the party. just…nothing else." your end off hesitantly, unwilling to echo his crude words.

"are you sure?" you think you see his gaze darken, the tension suddenly heightening as he places one of his large hands over your own. his guitar-calloused fingertips are rough as they slide against the back of your hand, drawing shapes that burn into your skin like tattoos. you nod, but he shakes his head — slowly, sweetly patient. "i need to hear you say it," he murmurs, and the words go straight to your gut.

"i'm sure." your voice comes out as a whisper, but he doesn't seem to mind. he leans in, and just when you think your lips are going to meet, your mouth parting expectantly, he tilts his head and kisses you softly on your cheek.

"make sure no one sees you, princess," he murmurs, low in your ear, before straightening up. "don't make me wait too long, hm?"

—

"did anyone follow you up here?"

haechan sits with his legs hanging off the edge of the roof, arms slung over one of the lower rungs of the railing. he doesn't spare you a glance as he takes another drink from his bottle of red wine, knowing that you're hanging onto his every word.

"no," you reply, voice barely louder than a whisper. you repeat yourself again, louder, hating the way your voice shakes with hesitance. "no, i don't think so."

he exhales, shrugging off the leather jacket that hangs large over his frame, his shoulderblades moving under his white shirt, veiny arms pushing the bottle to the side as he shifts himself backwards fluidly so he's further away from the ledge, his long legs stretched out.

"well?" and now he turns to look at you, dark eyes framed with makeup searching for yours, his gaze heavy. the piercing on his eyebrow glints in the moonlight, and when he leans his weight back on his hands, his shirt rides up so that you can see just the hint of a tattoo curling low on his hip. "are you ready?"

feet unsteady, you shuffle over to him, standing over him as he watches you through hooded eyes. unsure, you start to sit down next to him, but a hand quickly reaches out to touch your knee, dragging his touch up the back of your thigh, the cold scrape of his rings on your skin feeling rough and claiming all at once. his lips part almost mockingly, commanding you without words to stop.

he flicks his gaze down to his lap, eyes flickering back up to yours. eyebrows raised, as if in a challenge.

slowly, you lower yourself onto his lap, hands hesitantly grasping for his shoulders. his arms come to steady your waist, slipping under your shirt and touching bare skin, feeling the way your body shifts and moves. it's only because your body is pressed up against his, his hands are roaming up and down your thighs, that he notices something which makes him halt his movements, licking his lips.

"you're shaking," he murmurs, now brushing the hair out of your eyes, tucking a strand behind your ear as he studies you, taking in the way you're all tensed up, the uncomfortable way your legs are folded, goosebumps erupting every time his fingertips brushed your skin, muscles trembling.

you swallow. "i've never done this before," you admit.

his eyes widen, now removing his hands from you entirely, letting them fall. "you're a virgin?"

you nod, heart pounding in your chest. he's looking away, his jaw set, his gaze hardened. did he hate that you had no experience? or would he enjoy that? "i can…" the words come out in a jumble, "you can teach me, i want… i want to-"

"no." with surprising gentleness, he motions for you to move off his lap, and you follow his actions mindlessly, docile under his touch.

"do you think i won't be good enough?" you ask, hating the way your voice comes out wounded and achy, hating how weak he made you.

he pauses, tongue poking into the side of his cheek, and you think you can see a flash of something deep in his eyes.

"y/n…i can't be your first time."

"but i want –"

"you need to be with someone who will take care of you." despite his words, his voice is cold, and clear. "i don't do that." he dusts off his jacket, shrugging it back on as he takes another drink from the bottle, eyes closed, unwilling to look at you for another second. "go home, y/n. i'll see you at the next show."

you don't move. you kneel there, next to him, eyes desperately searching for his.

"go home, y/n," he repeats, harshly.

"i want to stay here," you bite back, stubbornly, hurt making your voice brittle.

"then you'll have to watch me fuck someone else." lazily, he reaches into the pocket of his jacket for his phone, and you can see him scroll through his messages, faces and names blurring as you barely decipher him type out another message. his fingers moving across the keyboard, as the anonymous responder sends a series of heart emojis, eagerness palpable through the screen. he locks his phone, the click sound startling you out of your daze, and he puts his phone down on his lap, the action somehow mocking.

"so?" he's still not looking at you, staring straight ahead into the night. "do you want to watch?"

and as you make your way down the stairs, shame burning at your neck and tears burning hot down your cheeks, you can swear you feel his eyes follow you all the way down.

—

the feeling of embarrassment curdles in your stomach, and leaves a sour taste in your mouth every time you look in the mirror. it's what leads you to skip the next show, making an excuse to jaemin about 'having other plans'. and then the other, and then the other. and then it's been a week, and your friend has finally managed to drag you to one of their after-parties, pushing you through the door with a little too much enthusiasm. he knows something is bothering you, and he wants nothing more than to help take your mind off of it — but he has no idea that the something is currently leaning against the archway leading off into the living room, nursing a bottle of beer in his hands, and brushing his hands around some girl's waist in a way that made you feel sick.

jaemin introduces you to mark, out on the balcony. mark is sweet, and friendly, a regular boy-next-door who happens to have face gems twinkling next to his eyes and leather pants tight around his thighs. he asks you about college, and work. he talks about the songs he's writing on his guitar. he catches your drink when you almost drop it over the railing, an easy smile on his face when his fingers brush yours passing it back to you, and a shy grin when he reaches out to lace his fingers with yours properly.

"i'm really busy, but i'd love to talk to you more," he says, sincerely, as he takes your phone from your hands to key in his number. he texts himself so his contact is at the top of your messages, making you promise to text him when you get back. he looks at you meaningfully, squeezing your hand before dropping it to go back to his party.

there's a moment, where you think to follow.

but then all of it – every touch, every glance, every speck of light you counted reflected in marks' wide eyes, — all of it is wiped clean the moment you hear a familiar low voice.

"trying to get with my friends now, princess?"

when the light illuminates his silhouette, hurt registers before anything else.

hickeys bloom across the side of haechan's neck, trailing down to his chest. only a simple mesh top lies underneath his leather jacket, and you can see the shadows of a few more bruises on his torso when his arm shifts, tugging the jacket open just slightly. his hair is a mess, tugged this way and that by desperate hands, and you think there may be a smear of bright pink lipstick at the corner of his lips. you can smell the reek of flowery perfume, cloyingly sweet, all over his clothes, as he leans back against the railing, eyes turned towards the party happening behind the sliding glass doors.

"i thought you said i was your favorite band member," he murmurs, a mock expression of sadness on his face. "mark's nothing like me."

"why do you care?" you will yourself to sound more confident, letting the hurt dissolve into defiance.

"i don't." the pout has melted off his face, a burning intensity now in the way he stares at you, making you shift uncomfortably. a moment passes, where he studies your face, eyes flicking across your features almost methodically. "so am i?"

"what?"

"am i still your favorite?" his voice is bitter, as if he knows the answer before asking and he doesn't like it.

"are you seriously asking me that?"

"princess –"

he's interrupted by a chime from your phone. the both of you glance down at it at the same time, the text and the sender unmistakeable on your otherwise empty lockscreen.

mark <3 : thanks for talking to me today :) let me know when you get home safe!

there's a pause.

"mark has a girlfriend," haechan blurts out, his voice coarse.

"what?" you look up at him, trying to figure out if this was a joke, but his face is impassive.

"he cheats on her all the time with girls from his parties. it's his thing." haechan's still looking at your screen even though your phone has turned off, resolutely not meeting your eyes.

it takes you a moment to gather yourself, every one of mark‘s actions and words suddenly flashing before you like a flipbook, sweet memories crumpling into dust. "are you lying?" you ask, shakily.

"why would i?" he finishes his beer, veins shifting on the back of his hand as he crushes the empty can, the crunch of metal dissonant against the warm summer night. his next words are just as rough. "whether or not you get with mark means nothing to me. i don't care. i don't even know you."

his words ring true, as he pushes off from the railing, leaving you alone on the balcony without another word. the abrupt end to the conversation has you turning, eyes following him as he steps back into the party, looking away a little too late as you see him gesture someone over with a flick of his fingers, her long hair covering both their faces when their lips meet.

jaemin finds you crying on the balcony, but he can't figure out the reason. you delete mark's contact off your phone the moment you get home, and jaemin promises you he's never taking you to any other show or party with the band ever again.

—

"there should be an empty room somewhere." the man lets go of your hand, at the foot of the stairs. "can you wait for me inside one? i'll find you in a minute."

it's only when you're halfway upstairs, when you realise that you're really about to give yourself to a stranger for your first time.

he has a bright smile, sweet dimples showing each time his lips turn upwards, each time he calls you baby. he's not much older than you, but there's an easy authority in the way he takes your cup from your hands and tells you to stop drinking, getting you glasses of water instead. his body dwarfs yours in size, and when you put your hand on his thigh, you see something shift in his expression that tells you he may not be as gentle as he seems.

and when you tell him he'll be your first time, his throat bobs as he swallows, eyes dragging up and down your body with a newfound hunger.

you've never really cared about who you lost your virginity to, not considering it a big occassion or anything to make a fuss over. your mind flits back to two weeks ago, when some boy had cared way more about it than you did.

"you need to be with someone who will take care of you."

anger flares in your chest at the thought of it, as you climb up the stairs two steps at a time, and it's just when you're just reaching the first landing, when you suddenly coming to a crashing halt because —

the sound of microphone feedback makes you put your hands over your ears, instinctively, the shrill sound piercing the air.

a loud bass suddenly starts up, vibrating under your feet. did they hire a live band? the song that booms from downstairs is familiar, and with a jolt, you realise that you know it a little too well.

that honey-sweet voice, the bitter bite to his words soothed over by the sweetest of tones – drifts up from the speaker, a haunting melody that echoes up the empty staircase, punctuated by a screaming crowd.

as if to further prove it was him, he lets out a laugh at the end of his line, the tone of it dark and sarcastic, the crowd going wild at the sound of it.

was it a studio recording? it must be, because there was no way this band was downstairs, performing live at this random birthday party, there was no chance…

… except now mark is speaking into the microphone, greeting the audience, asking for the birthday girl. unease stirs in your stomach as you trace your steps back down, a dread that fills you up as the makeshift stage comes back into view, where the DJ had been just a moment ago.

to where haechan stood, guitar on its stand, eyes already trained on yours, an expression of white hot anger on his face.

—

"him? really?"

you can still feel his touch on your arm, from how he dragged you into the bedroom.

you're frozen on the steps.

haechan signals to mark, ignoring the questioning looks from the members and protests from the boy as he steps off the platform, making a beeline for the stairs. his brows are furrowed, his teeth gritted as he glares at you.

"you wanna go upstairs that bad?" he murmurs. "lead the fucking way, princess."

he starts towards you, and you take a step back, body colliding with the door. the sound seems to ground him, and he takes a deep breath, trying to calm down, finally turning away to sit on the bed, the space allowing you to relax just slightly.

"i thought," he starts, patiently, swallowing hard. "i thought i told you to find someone to take care of you, for your first time."

the reminder of his words feels like a stab in your chest. "i thought you didn't care," you shoot back.

he ignores you. "did you come here with your friends? where's jaemin?"

what the fuck was wrong with him? "who are you to tell me what to do?"

his lips part, but no words come out. sighing, he rubs his face with his hands, still trying to calm down. "y/n," he starts again, voice pained. "i don't want to see you get hurt."

"how do you know he would've hurt me?"

his eyes meet yours. "did you tell him?" he asks, quietly.

"tell him i was a virgin? yes." anger seeps into your tone, as you glare at him. "he reacted very differently from you."

"y/n that's not a good thing!" he stands up, his voice raised. "are you that desperate to get fucked?"

you step back in alarm, tears forming in your eyes. fear, of the situation you almost put yourself in, of the boy in front of you, makes your throat close up, and you can't help the way your body tenses. the cruelness of his words settles in a little too late, an acidic burn in your chest.

haechan feels the tips of his fingers go numb as you start to cry, guilt flooding his mind in a way he rarely felt. his face crumples, and he does't know what to do when you curl in on yourself, every sound you make feeling like a punch to his ribs.

"i'm sorry," he whispers, reaching for you tentatively. when you don't pull away, his arms circle around you, and he makes sure to leave enough space for you to breathe or break free if you wanted to. "i'm sorry," he repeats again, as you sink into his chest, needing his warmth as much as you hated his presence.

"take it back," you mumble. "take it back right now."

"i take it back," he says, immediately. "i didn't mean any of it. i'm sorry."

"you don't get to reject me," you start, voice shaky, "and control who i choose to be with."

he sucks in a breath, gripping onto you a little tighter. "y/n –"

"it's…it's fucked up," you hiccup, fisting at the fabric of his shirt, crumpling it in your fists in frustration.

"i know," he breathes. "i know."

his hand comes up to stroke your hair, and you hate how it really does manage to comfort you, your breaths steadying as he pats your back clumsily. when you think you've calmed down enough, you place your hands on his chest, and he backs away instinctively, looking down at his feet. never meeting your eyes.

"i'm tired, haechan," you whisper. "i don't want to play whatever game you're playing." he doesn't respond, so you continue. "you don't want to fuck me, but you don't want anyone else to."

"i do." his response is so quiet, you barely catch it.

"you want other people to fuck me?"

"no, i don't." he lifts his head, his expression conflicted. "i…i want to be your first time."

"what?"

when he doesn't respond, you sigh, agitated. "haechan, i already told you i don't want to play your games anymore –"

"not a game," he cuts you off, softly. "i'll take care of you." the gentleness of his voice makes you feel small. it's almost overwhelming, the way he looks into your eyes, without his usual apathy and bitterness.

"i thought you said you don't do that?" it takes you all your willpower to not give in.

"i don't," he breathes. "but with you i will." he's starting to think he has no choice – that there's no one else in the world who's going to take care of you the way he knows you need. he doesn't know when he decided to give in, in between watching you place your hand on that man's thigh, and you standing in front of him now. all he knows is that he either had to do this, or make you disappear from his life entirely.

the words hang in the air. even now, feeling so torn and hurt and tired, your body can't help how much you want him, hyper-attuned to the little details in his appearance: the messy black nail polish scrawled on his nails, smoky eye make-up that makes his gaze all the more intense and devouring. there's a heady smell hanging onto his skin and clothes, rich and indulgent vanilla and musk, filling up your senses with a giddy desire. long legs in a pair of ripped skinny jeans, his thighs stretching out the fabric in a way that almost looked like it hurt.

"okay," you mumble. his lips part, but you answer him before he has a chance to ask. "please take care of me." your voice is small, yet each word seems to catch fire, incinerating the air between you.

his tongue darts out, wetting his lip. "yeah?"

you nod. finally giving in to the pull of your body, you take a step closer, looking up at him through your lashes.

"i'm sorry…about all of it." he murmurs. "thank you for trusting me, still."

you can't think of anything to say, so you nod again. it feels like your heart is in your throat.

he swallows. "do you…you shouldn't…" his eyes dart around the room. "we shouldn't do it here. in…in some strangers bedroom." gently, he touches your arm, looking at you hesitantly. "would you feel comfortable if we did it in your apartment? or i could bring you to my shared apartment with the band…they wouldn't be back yet. but we might have to be quick…"

your head feels like it's spinning.

at your lack of response, he rambles on, eyes focused on yours, trying to discern your thoughts. "w-what do you think? or…if you really want to get comfortable i don't mind booking a hotel, it's a little last minute but-" he bites his lip. "do you want to meet somewhere else or i could take you in my car? i haven't drank much, i swear, but if you don't trust me-"

"stop," you blurt out.

he freezes, the hand grazing your arm dropping to his side, fingers playing with the rips in his jeans.

"i'm sorry," he says, softly.

"no, i mean…stop asking me questions." you exhale. "i trust you," you repeat, softly. every word of it was true — despite everything, you were still the same person sitting on his lap up on the rooftop. "just…take care of me, however you want."

he swallows. "you sound…" exhaling, he shakes his head to clear it. "okay. is your apartment empty?"

"yes," you whisper. "jaemin's away for tonight."

"i'll drive," he murmurs. and now he takes a step closer to you, until he's all you can see, the room melting away. "but before that…can i kiss you first, princess?" you nod, transfixed by him, as he leans in.

haechan kisses soft.

his lips are plush, and soft, taking your bottom lip between his own sweetly. he tilts his head slowly as if he's afraid he'll overwhelm you by moving too fast, his lips parting as he invites you to do the same, his hands going to the back of your head to guide you. a soft sigh escapes the back of his throat when your lips part and he can taste you, and you can taste him — vanilla like how he smells, with the slight bite of alcohol. your hand comes up to touch his round cheeks, surprisingly soft too, and he smiles into this kiss.

he's the one to break apart from you, with a patience that feels rehearsed. he's taking care of you, as he leans in so your noses brush, your breaths mingling.

"haechan…" he hums, encouragingly. "i…you know this isn't…my first kiss, right?"

a pause. "i know," he murmurs.

"so… so you don't have to be gentle." you squirm slightly as his touch grows heavier, eyes darkening at the implications behind your words.

he backs away from you, hands pulling you with him as he sits down on the bed. his eyes flick down to his lap as he lowers his gaze, before dragging them painstakingly up to yours again.

"sit, princess."

this time, when he feels you tremble against him, your knees caging in his hips as you straddle him, all he does is lean in and kiss you — just as sweet as he did the first time.

"i'm gentle with you because i want to be," another kiss, his tongue sliding against your bottom lip. "not because i have to." his fingers guide your chin upwards, baring your neck to him as he leans in and leaves a kiss on a spot under your jaw. and then a longer, more lingering kiss. and now he's making his way down your neck, each press of his lips on your skin longer and rougher than the last, and now you're sure he's sucking marks onto your neck, especially when you feel a slight sting of teeth.

you're shifting against him restlessly, body hardly your own as you fall under his touch. you don't know how long you spend there, in his lap, as he works on your neck, taking breaks to kiss you on the lips, his sighs echoing into the cavern of your mouth as it falls open with need. it's when he sucks lightly on your tongue, almost boyish in the way he backs away with a small smile, when a soft sound escapes your lips.

"yeah?" he murmurs, leaning in again, letting the tip of his tongue brush against yours gently. "you like that?"

you nod.

"you sound so pretty," he breathes, as he slots his lips with yours again, humming against yours as you let out another small whimper.

"haechan-" you mumble, and he draws away, looking at you expectantly. "i think i'm ready."

"really?" his hands on your waist give you a light squeeze. "you want me to take you home now?"

you're still giddy from the heat radiating off his skin, your lips craving his contact again now he's stopped kissing you. you nod, and he smiles, gently guiding you off his lap as he unlocks the door.

he's gentle the whole way down – as he leads you away from the main staircase so you wouldn't be seen, the crowd still distracted by the band. he cradles you carefully against his side all the way out of the back gates and into his car, and when your breath catches as he leans over to buckle your seatbelt for you, he's gentle even as he presses into you for a spur of the moment kiss, tongue licking into your mouth with more fervor.

it's not a song that plays in the car as he drives and you try to remember the way to your apartment, but rather it's a low and sultry beat — bluesy harmonies stretched out over pulses. part of you wonders if he played it on purpose, because imagining his voice set against it already had you melting against the leather seats.

it would all be rather sweet – how gentle he's being, the soft way he smiles at you in the dim lights of your lift lobby, the way he holds your hand and lets you lean against him as you head higher and higher, the space around you feeling like a vacuum of trapped adrenaline and lust.

but there was also no denying the fact that he jolted at the slightest sound, his grip on you tight and slack all at once, the tenderness in his eyes here one second and gone the next. a hurt you could almost taste on your tongue, that you were holding onto something so fragile, and that to him it seemed the worst thing that could happen would be if he were found with you.

—

but all of it changes, when you're alone in your room. the weight of his attention, that you'd felt even as one person amidst a screaming crowd, seems to intensify tenfold as he lets his jacket slide to the floor, eyes on you.

he reads the apprehension in your body, the way you hover near your bed, waiting for him to guide you.

"let me know if it's too much, okay?" he murmurs, as he pulls you in for a hug first, feeling you warm against him as you cling on to his embrace. "you can tell me to stop whenever, and i will." his hands rub circles up your waist, teasing on the silver of skin between your top and your skirt.

you nod, but he shakes his head – a thumb brushing across your cheek.

"use your words," he murmurs. "so i know you mean it."

"okay," you breathe, now guiding him to the bed yourself, curiosity getting the better of you. you had almost forgotten, in the midst of everything, why exactly you went to the party, and the familiar need sparks back to life in you.

haechan sits down against the headboard, pulling you into his lap, the movement feeling even more natural now. he can see that you're nervous and eager at the same time, hands fumbling with the soft material of his shirt, unsure what to do as you shift around on top of him.

"can i kiss you?" in the soft lamp light of the room, the sharp-cut edges of his face seem to blur, large doe-eyes looking up at you kindly. it makes you want to lean in, so you do — slotting your lips with his boldly, kissing him the way you wanted from him. it surprises him, the way you press your lips against him harshly, the gentle graze of your teeth against his plush lip.

he lets out a small laugh, and kisses you back just as fiercely, the atmosphere in the room melting as temperature skyrockets, until it's almost unbearable to be separated from you by layers of fabric.

"may i-" he mumbles, tugging at the hem of his own shirt, and when your voice chokes out an affirmative, he's quick to yank it over his head, movements rough, exposing beautiful skin, his body warm and solid under your palms as you lean into him.

your cheeks warm, and he notices – a small smile on his face as his hands cup your cheeks, and he gives you a sweet kiss, abruptly different from the others. suddenly, it's almost too tender, the way he looks up at you with endearment in his eyes, kissing you chastely, and you sink into it a little guiltily, enjoying the innocence of it.

when you feel your heart reach its boiling point, your own hands go to the hem of your shirt, and you pull it over your head. you don't mean to slow down your movements, not meaning to tease or entice, but the way his eyes darken looking at your body made you wish you did it on purpose.

"pretty," he praises, head dipping to press a kiss between your collarbones. and another one, lower done, almost reaching your cleavage. the bra you had chosen mindlessly that morning was a thin bralette, and it did little to hide how aroused you were, your nipples poking stiff peaks through the fabric.

but still, he doesn't make any move to remove it, peppering kisses on your bare chest, over the slope of your breasts, almost slobbering at your skin, lips dewy and wet. his arms are firm around you, meeting each one of your movements and steadying you, helping you rock your hips into him as desire surges in your body.

"haechan, –" his name had never sounded so breathless falling from your lips.

"yes, baby?"

the term of endearment makes you feel smaller in his lap, the only thing making you feel better was the way he was just as heated as you, his breaths coming hard and fast. he wanted everything to be perfect, he never wanted to rush you into anything you weren't comfortable with, his hands staying firm on your lower back.

you tug at the bralette covering your chest impatiently, the fabric never feeling more uncomfortable on your skin.

"you want me to take it off?" he asks, head nuzzling into your neck as his fingers wander up your back. you feel it loosen around you, his finger expertly fiddling the clasp open, dragging it down and accidentally brushing against your hard nipples, making you hiss.

"i'll make you feel good," he promises, softly, lowering his head, kissing down the slope of your breasts. he makes eye contact with you, searching your eyes for any form of discomfort.

"be gentle," you murmur, nodding for him to continue. "they feel sensitive."

"of course," he mumbles, before starting to lightly kitten-lick at your nipple, the feeling all at once new and arousing, making you pulse against him in his lap. he circles his tongue around your areola, being as gentle as possible, opting not to flick at your nipples but rather suck one into his mouth, heart-shaped full lips sinful against your chest. the heat between your legs is overwhelming, as he switches to your other side, his hand coming up to knead your breast, warm palms moving over skin and making you giddy.

"please," you whimper, as he laps at you. "please, i need you, please –"

"you have me," he murmurs, one of his hands reaching out for yours blindly, scrabbling against the back of your hand from where it's pressed against his chest, flipping it over and interlocking your fingers. "i'll take care of you. lie down for me?"

he moves you off his lap, guiding you onto your back, propping up pillows you can rest against. the familiar feeling of your bed is only faintly there, your senses filled with the sweet heady smell of haechan, from the perfume and lotion clinging onto his skin, as you watch him remove the numerous rings on his fingers, placing them carefully on your bedside table.

haechan kisses his way down your body, suckling on your skin, leaving longer, lingering bruises on your hips, finally reaching your thighs as he lowers himself down. he guides your hips up with a heavy hand, sliding a cushion carefully under as he situates himself between your legs. you're so sensitive, that the feeling of his long hair against your skin has your thighs sliding together, squeezing around his head accidentally.

"you okay?" he murmurs, as he kisses your thighs again, patiently easing your thighs open.

you suddenly feel shy, knowing he was about to see you so intimately. even when you had agreed to let him take care of you, even as you trusted him completely, you had never imagined seeing him in between your spread legs like this, somewhere you hadn't even explored much yourself. would he be disappointed or disgusted? what if he didn't like what he saw or felt?

"baby…." he rubs a hand carefully on your thigh, tips of his fingers slipping just under the hem of your skirt. "is this okay? do you want to stop?"

"i don't want to stop," you admit, and you find that its true.

haechan looks at you, studying your face. after a moment, he crawls back up your body, brushing the hair out of your eyes before he brushes his lips against yours softly, as if asking for permission. you grant it, lips parting as his warm mouth meets yours, a welcome taste in your mouth that's become familiar. you kiss for a while, his hand finding yours in the mess of sheets and intertwining your fingers, until you feel confident enough to slip your other hand to the zipper of your skirt.

you tug it off your legs, haechan breaking away from the kiss to help you, moving down your body.

"i'll take care of you," he whispers, his hand never letting go of yours. "these are so pretty, baby," he whispers, a finger tracing over the lacy pattern on the front of your panties. you've never been more aware of your own arousal seeping out of you, as he places a kiss low on your hip, and then another just on the waistband of your panties, and suddenly, you want nothing more than for them to come off.

your fingers tug at them impatiently, and he takes hold of your hand, kissing your fingertips lightly. "let me," he murmurs, and you hear something low and raw in his voice, something that maybe wasn't there before. sitting up slightly, he pulls your panties down your legs, assuming his position as quickly as he'd left it once the fabric was out of the way, rearranging your legs so they're spread open for him.

the tension in the room fills your lungs up like smoke. you barely mumble his name, beg him to do something, before you feel a soft touch against your clit, making your hips jolt and you let out a sharp exhale.

"let me hear you," he encourages, gently, as he starts to rub circles into your sensitive nub, dipping down to your entrance and spreading your wetness all over your cunt. your hips keep shifting around, so he pulls his arm around to press down into you, keeping you still for him as he slowly pleasures you.

"t-this feels…" you start, lost in your own head. you've touched yourself before, but the sensitivity seemed to be heightened to an exaggerated amount once it was someone else touching you. he looks up at you, face still wickedly beautiful, the gentlest look in his eyes laced with something like desperation.

"can't believe i got so lucky," he murmurs, suckling a kiss close to your heat, high on the soft skin of your thigh. your legs clamp around his head, and it makes him groan, breath heavy against your cunt. "you're pretty everywhere, baby. can't believe i'm the only one."

the words flood your veins with a dark thrill, the idea of being his, of him taking all your firsts. "hypocrite," you mumble, cutting yourself off with a moan as he applies more pressure to your clit.

"maybe a little," he admits, shyly, as he dips his head back down and flicks your clit with the tip of his tongue, his fingers sliding down to your entrance instead.

you cry out at the foreign feeling, the wet muscle of his tongue stroking your clit expertly while his slender finger slips past your entrance. his name, strung along by curses, echoes from your mouth as he teases his finger in and out of your entrance, tongue lying flat and wide as he laps at your clit in a way that made you feel like you were already close.

stiffening his tongue, his flicks your clit with the tip, humming into you just as he curls his finger against your walls in a come-hither motion. he knows when you cum — back arching as you seemed to chase for stimulation above you, your walls sucking tightly around his finger and kneading it eagerly, making him groan as he imagines the feeling of you tight around his cock. he lets you ride out your orgasm on his face, his nose bumping your clit and eliciting another drawn out whimper, tongue teasing your entrance.

when your hands push at his head, he backs away easily, once again making his way up your body to check on you, the warmth of his bare chest against yours making you feel safe.

"good?" he kisses you, tongue moving against yours, inviting you to take a taste. "did you like that, sweetheart?"

you nod, gasping. "haechan…"

"you did perfect for me, baby." his hands run up and down your sides as he kisses down your neck, enjoying the way your body wraps yourself around him, arms pulling his weight down into you.

"i still need you," you murmur. the pleasure from before had only satiated you for a little bit, and the feeling of his hard length poking at your thigh was making your head spin with a whole different level of desire, as you grapple for his belt. "please, i've been good-"

"you're perfect." he comforts you with a kiss.

he guides your hand away from him gently, unbuckling his belt and letting his pants slide onto the bed as you lie back down on your pillows. tugging his underwear down, you swallow as he squeezes his thick length, the pink tip leaking clear liquid. he watches you watch him spread it on his length, pumping himself slowly, drawing out the pleasure as he moans, a sweet tenor sound that rings lewdly in the air. you watch, mesmerized, as he thrusts his hips forward a few times, stroking himself with a slight twist of his wrist before letting go abruptly, letting his cock slap up against his lower stomach.

fishing around in the pocket of his discarded jeans, he takes out a condom wrapper, opening it quickly and rolling it onto his cock. you're sure you're making a mess of the sheets, you can feel your arousal and his saliva on your thighs, can feel another gush of wetness seep out of you as he lowers himself over your body and slides his cock against your folds.

he grinds himself on you, hoping to get you wetter so it may be less painful when he enters you. his fingers find your clit again, this time he rubs it urgently, with just the correct amount of pressure to have you shaking and lifting your hips into him.

"stop me anytime," he reminds you, as he lines himself up to your fluttering entrance. "you have to relax for me, baby." he pitches his voice lower now, and you can't tell if he's comforting you or if he's slowly being pulled under by lust too. he makes soft shushing noises, nipping at your lips with gentle kisses as you whimper, feeling the bulbous tip of his cock slowly stretch you open, his fingers resuming his movements. the head of his cock still feels shallow inside you, when it suddenly brushes against a sensitive spot, and his fingers on your clit glide just right, making you cum, hard. he feels you clamp down tightly around his tip, and he hisses, eyes squeezed shut. his mind wiped clean for just a second as pleasure thrums through his entire body, an aching pain that makes his mouth hang open.

"'m sorry," you whimper, tears prickling to your eyes as you interpret his expression as annoyance. "i'm so sorry, it just felt so good —"

"baby…" he looks at you, his face morphing into panic when he sees the tears in your eyes. "don't apologise, please, you have nothing to be sorry for."

you still look unconvinced, so he reaches for one of your hands, holding it in his and kissing your fingertips. "you are so pretty when you cum," the filthy words sound sacred the way he says them. "and you felt so fucking good around my cock," he murmurs, voice sinking low again.

you begin to relax again, sniffling slightly as you adjust your legs around his waist, feeling him slide a little deeper into you. he coaxes you into taking more of him, kissing you sweetly as he slips in further and further, until finally the both of you are groaning, his body shuddering slightly against yours as he feels your warm gummy walls tight around him.

"so tight," he groans, cursing again under his breath as he circles his hips, drawing a moan from you as your thighs tense. "how are you so tight?," he panted, tone still teasing despite him trying desperately not to buck his hips into you. "has no one ever fucked you before or something?"

you don't have it within you to tease back.

"only you, haechan." the words are reverent, hushed. it strips him of any of his cockiness, his teasing, his boldness — his features softening at the way you look up at him, trying to maintain eye contact even as the ache between your legs drove you insane, not wanting to waste a single moment of this, in case it never happened again.

"haechan…" your nails rake against his back, drawing him out of his daze. "please fuck me."

"fuck," he breathes, as he slowly starts to move in you, obsessed with the way the words sound in your voice. his thick length drags against your walls, heavy inside you, the wet sounds of your arousal seeping into the room. you feel full and stretched out, sated by having him so close to you, it feels like you can feel him deep in your gut the way he's thrusting into you, especially when he hikes your legs higher on his waist, drawing a long moan from you as he manages to stimulate a spot inside you that has you seeing stars.

he changes his pace, now barely pulling himself out of you as he nudges the head of his cock against your sweet spot. licking a long stripe from your neck up to your ear, one hand tangles itself with yours, while the other ghosts over your sensitive nipples.

"i'm cumming," the words come out rushed as you barely hold onto your senses, cumming harshly for the third time, your body thrown into pleasure as your muscles tense. he succumbs to the feeling of your walls kneading his length and squeezing tight around him, eyes going unfocused and hazy as his lips part, a moan drawn out from his lungs without conscious thought. he's aware of the way your muscles tense as he fucks both of you through your highs, relishing in the sting of your fingernails on his back as he slows down his movements. he draws out both your highs by leaning in and sucking on the mark he'd left behind earlier that evening, letting his moan buzz and fizzle on your skin.

you feel dazed and tired, arms never letting go of him, legs unwilling to unwrap from his waist as you cling to him. he rolls you both onto your sides, caressing your body sweetly and stroking your hair, mumbling questions and concerns that you can't register, nodding to everything in a blur. the weight of him feels good, his body warm and solid against your back, and once again that feeling of safety, that feeling of complete trust, washes over you. it makes you feel whole even as he pulls out of you with a wince, discarding the condom in the trash by your bedside.

you cling to him, and he knows you need it — so he doesn't let you go, heavy hands patting your back clumsily, slightly rough and out of rhythm, just like the way your heart beats against your ribcage.

when he feels your arms loosen, relaxing finally after the high of hormones and adrenaline, he slips away quickly to the bathroom, putting on his underwear as he goes. he grabs a towel, turning your tap on to warm water and checking the temperature with his wrist as he washes his hands, his face, cleaning himself up. running the towel under the water and squeezing it dry in the sink. his movements methodical, as he slips out of your room and into the kitchen, looking around for a glass of water.

he immediately races back the moment he hears a sound from your bedroom, shutting the door behind him just as you sit up, your expression clearing once you see him again. pulling his shirt from where it's discarded on the floor, he slides into bed, kissing you on the cheek.

he cleans you up with soft strokes, the warm towel soothing on your skin even though he hadn't really been rough. he makes you drink from the glass of water, watching you drain it carefully. finally, slipping his large shirt over your frame, swallowing at the way it envelopes your body, a feeling stirring in his gut that he ignores.

"y/n? are you with me?" when you don't respond, wide eyes looking up at him, he touches his fingers to your cheek. "baby?"

each brush of his skin against yours felt like trails of fire, lingering warmth even after he pulls away. every look he gave you through his lashes, the slight pout to his lips when he broke away from a kiss, made you feel like you were caught in a riptide, your pulse out of your control. you wanted to crawl into him and make a home in his chest. you never wanted him to look at you again with his shuttered eyes, to have to dream yourself into the skin of someone else as he touched them.

you had to tell him. "haechan…haechan i…" you reach for him, and he pulls you into his embrace, shushing you softly. you try to speak again, lips parting, but he envelopes your lips in a gentle kiss, nipping at your mouth each time you part, swallowing all your sounds with the sweep of his tongue.

"princess…" his voice sounds raw, and coarse. "don't say anything you don't mean."

"but-"

"you don't know me." was it regret in his voice, or your wishful thinking? "you don't know me at all. what you're feeling right now…" he touches a hand to your chest, brushing a kiss on your cheek. "it's because of the sex, alright?"

you shake your head.

your next words come out slurred, your eyelids starting to droop as sleep begins to tug at your mind, threatening to pull you under. "but…why can't i know you?"

he takes a deep breath. "i don't want you to."

"but i don't want this to end."

he holds you tighter against his chest at your words.

"this?" he questions, quietly. he keeps his voice light, but it still pierces your heart like a shard of glass. "there isn't a 'this' princess. this isn't happening again."

"why?"

"i don't want you to get attached." he cradles you even more carefully against him, freckling mellow kisses onto your forehead, the contrast between his words and his actions ringing dissonant in your ears. "besides… why would i spend the night with the same girl twice, hm?"

sleep softens the hurt from the words he's saying. his voice fades slightly, his touch against your skin roaring ever louder in your ears. "you know i won't be here when you wake up, right?" his fingers brush against your forehead lightly, pushing hair away from your eyes.

you knew.

but you still cried in the morning all the same — the golden-orange sunrise beautiful and terribly cruel, just like the boy you were perhaps falling in love with.

—

you spend the weekend alone.

you spend the weekend wondering if haechan thought of you at all, after he left. thinking if what he said was real, and it was just adrenaline and lust, then why did your heart ache at the thought of him? at his face on posters outside the small concert venue, inviting you to a show next week? why did you always turn at the slightest hint of his voice?

you try to forget him. you try to tell yourself he wasn't worth it. but deep down all of it, a part of you still hopes, which is perhaps why you were letting jaemin drag you past the poster of haechan, into the alleyway that led backstage.

"are you sure you need me there?" you pull at jaemin's sleeve, your other hand holding onto his spare camera carefully as he guides you into the venue.

"i do," he insists, pushing through a set of doors leading to the stage. "mark wants extra photos for their social media page and i can't be doing all of that at once."

you can hear the boys talking just around one of the curtains, sprawled out onstage, a cacophany of sounds as they absentmindedly plucked at their instruments. you were going to see haechan again. you can't tell if it makes you want to run towards them, or go back home. that familiar sense of hope, the kind you experienced in the crowd that first night, on the balcony, in the bedroom and in the moonlight, fills you up slowly, sweet and light. maybe, if he just saw you again…

"y/n-" jaemin puts a hand on your arm, stopping you gently before you could rush onto stage.

"yes?" you prompt.

"i know i dragged you here, but if you're feeling uncomfortable," he starts, and you start to slip away, but he only tightens his grip. "let me finish — if you're feeling uncomfortable, or if any of them are hurting you, let me know okay?"

you hadn't told him about haechan, something close to shame seeming to rise up and choke you whenever you tried to bring it up. all jaemin knew was that the last two times you had come into contact with the band it had upset you badly, and as your best friend and roommate he never wanted to see you crying on the balcony again.

"what would you do? beat them up?"

"i would leave." his serious tone doesn't change, unaffected by your attempt to lighten the mood.

"but the money –"

"no job is more important than you being okay," he insists. "i don't want to work for them if they hurt you. okay?"

"okay."

even though he looks unconvinced, his grip on your arm loosens and he takes your hand instead, pulling back the curtain with his other.

you can hear him say something to mark about today's shoot, hear him greet the rest of the members. you guess that mark is rising to greet him, hear something like jisung and jeno standing too, but everything fades to white noise when the sight you're looking at clicks in your mind, the one member of the band who's voice you hadn't heard, who hadn't bothered to turn around at jaemin's arrival.

or rather, the one boy who was too pre-occupied to — considering he had his tongue in a pretty girl's mouth.

haechan was facing away from you, away from the rest of his bandmates, you could really only see his broad back under his denim jacket, but the careful tilt of his head as he kissed her was all too familiar, as was the movement of his arms around her waist. and when she shifted in his lap, his hands pulling her hips down unto his, you can feel your heartbeat in your ears, a sharp pain searing at your chest in emotions you couldn't pinpoint.

"fuck, sorry about that –" mark's voice is flustered, and now a tall boy, the bassist, jisung, is stepping in front of you, blocking your view of him.

"sorry," he echoes, and you're momentarily caught off guard by how deep his voice is - husky and quiet. you blink up at him, fog slowly clearing in your mind, and he smiles shyly. "he doesn't usually do that."

"who?"

"um, haechan…" he looks back briefly, and you see haechan helping the girl to her feet, her body crumpled into his like she couldn't bear to be separated from his touch. you feel a wave of second-hand shame again – was that what you had looked like?

and then jisung turns back to you, towering over you again and blocking everything from view. "he usually only does this after the show, but today…"

"it's fine," you say, faintly.

jisung looks at you, carefully. "you're jaemin's friend y/n, right?"

you nod, half your mind still on what could be going on right now. behind jisung, you see mark pull haechan, now alone, towards a corner of the stage, whispering angrily at him. haechan is slouched lazily, picking at his nails with all the look of someone who couldn't care less about what was going on.

"i saw you at our last show," jisung continues. "i was going to…i was going…" he breaks off, a little embarrassed, fumbling with his words. "are you sure you're okay?"

"i'm fine, jisung." you repeat, your voice a little more firm, as you finally look back at him.

he blinks. "you know me?"

jisung still looked worried, but there was something sweet about the way he shrunk a little under your attention, eyes darting all over your face and around his surroundings, blush tinging his cheeks.

this you were comfortable with – something completely different from the way haechan's eyes always tried to drink you in, or the way your vision would go blurry at the edges when he would stand in front of you. talking with jisung was easy, the confidence that haechan drained from you seeping back and settling in.

he had meant it, when he said you shouldn't get attached. you just had to learn it before it brought you more hurt you couldn't justify.

"jisung," you emphasise. "of course i know you. you play bass, right?"

"y-yeah," he stammers, pointing unecessarily at his dark blue bass guitar on its stand. "i don't know, i guess i always thought people didn't really know me even if they knew the band." he fiddles with the hem of his shirt, black hair falling over his eyes. "people usually choose to stand where haechan or mark are."

"you usually stand on the left?"

he nods, bashfully, and a smile tugs at your lips.

"i'll make sure to stand there, later during the show."

"wow, okay." he pauses for a moment, steeling himself. "how about after?"

"what do you mean?"

"would you want to meet…after the show?" he hesitates, voice soft.

your brow furrows slightly. "do you mean the party?"

"we don't have to go," he blurts out. "i don't mean…i don't mean like what haechan usually does after the show."

his name is an unwelcome sting, but the way jisung sneaks glances up at you from where he looks down at his feet makes it a little easier to forget. "then what do you want to do?"

"w-we can get something to eat." he says it like he just suggested robbing a bank.

oh. "like a date?"

mortified, his lips part, and you can tell that he's frantically trying to read your tone, trying to figure out if the idea of it made you uncomfortable, whether you were suggesting because you wanted it. it's so endearing, watching him start his sentences and stop them, the hem of his shirt crumpled and worn out by his nervous fingers.

eventually, he takes a deep breath, and settles for a question. "d-do you mind if it's a date?"

did you?

was there any hope in waiting for haechan, when he had made it so clear that you would never have him again?

jisung is still looking at you like you have all the power in the world to hurt him.

"i don't mind," you say, softly, feeling a hum of satisfaction in your chest at the way it makes his lips part in blissful surprise. a beat. "do you want it to be…?"

"yes," he blurts out. "please," he adds, shyly.

the awkward silence between the two of you feels good, the lightness of it familiar and giddy, like a schoolgirl crush. jisung can't stop smiling, biting his lips slightly as he turns to face mark, who's crossed to the front of the stage to speak to them.

" — jisung, jaemin will start with your photos first. we'll just be shooting the rehearsal process today, so there's no need to-" he breaks off, brow furrowing. "jisung why are you so red?"

"i-it's w-warm in here."

"well you should cool off before jaemin takes your photos." jisung nods, flustered, and he walks offstage with jaemin to prepare. jeno too, strolls away with a wave to mark, leaving him alone at the front of the stage.

with you.

mark glances over at you, his eyes darting over your face, trying to read your expression. you can almost hear haechan's voice from that night, the ghost of the hurt still palpable in your bones. but the moment you take a step back, thinking that you should find jaemin and jisung, mark seems to have made up his mind — his face set, he starts to walk over to you, and you find your own footsteps falter.

"um, y/n, can i speak to you for a second?"

you take a deep breath. "is this about the photos for later?"

"no…not exactly." he clears his throat. there's a pause, as he seems to pick his words. "y/n, did i do something wrong?"

you blink at him. "what do you mean?"

"i mean, i know it was a while ago, but i thought we were getting along fine at the party," it feels like he's rehearsed this to some capacity, or perhaps it was just the confidence of being a lead singer. "but then since then every time i saw you…i feel like you've been avoiding me."

"i haven't been avoiding you." you take a deep breath. "mark, do you have a girlfriend?"

his eyes widen. "are you…are you asking me out?"

"what?" you balk. "no!"

"oh." his face falls. "i mean…i just thought…"

"that's just too bad, markie."

it’s practically deja vu.

haechan stands behind you, his body radiating warmth, and you inhale sharply. surprisingly, he doesn't smell saccharine, the way he always does with the girls he chooses — his skin smells like baby powder and fresh linen. your body is doing that thing again – where you hone in on his presence and the whole world dissolves, and you're hyper attuned to the way his arm hovers near yours, his breath on the back of your neck. anything you were about to say to mark completely lost in your brain.

exasperated, mark runs his hand through his hair. "haechan…don't be difficult."

"i'm not." you feel almost numb when his hand touches your elbow, sliding down to hold your hand tight in his grip. "y/n and i have to talk about something."

"can't it wait?"

"it's urgent," haechan says, sarcastically, giving you a sharp tug towards him. your feet stumble as haechan starts to walk off, and you turn one last time to see mark standing there, looking a little forlorn, suddenly small under the bright lights of the stage.

"sorry, –" you mumble out. mark frowns, starting towards you.

but now haechan really pulls you along, yanking curtains aside and accessing a short flight of stairs. you can feel the intensity of his emotions radiating off him in waves, making it a little hard to breathe as you try to keep up, afraid of what he'll say if your hand slips from his grasp.

he guides you along a corridor and through a doorway, stepping into the warm light of a dressing room, the door slamming shut behind you as haechan pulls you in.

you're almost afraid to look at him, but you do anyway.

he's slightly breathless from the walk down, stooping slightly to lock the door with careful hands. when he straightens and steps towards you, the lights hitting his features, you can see that he's covered up the hickeys on his neck with makeup. something mark made him do, no doubt.

"haechan -"

"park jisung? really?" he sneers, backing you into the dressing table.

"what?"

"don't lie to me," he demands. "i saw you."

"really?" you fold your arms across your chest as he moves in closer, planting both hands on the table on either side of your hips, caging you in. "you looked busy. where did she go, hm? did mark send her away, or did you?"

haechan rolls his eyes. "that's none of your business."

"jisung said you don't usually bring girls to the rehearsal," you continue, watching the way his tongue pokes into his cheek in annoyance. "what happened?"

"you two talked about me?" he demands. "what else did you do? make plans to fuck after the show?"

"i'm not a virgin anymore," you remind him, your voice laced with a warning. "i thought you only cared about my first time."

haechan groans. seeing you talk to jisung out of the corner of his eye, seeing your hands brush and his friend's head duck shyly to the side, gave him a weight on his chest which grew heavier each time he took a breath, each time he had to hear one of jisung's small laughs.

"if you want to have mediocre sex then i couldn't care less," he snaps. "just know that you're going to have to fuck a lot of people before you forget me."

you can see that you're losing him, the familiar closed-off look coming back to his face, anger dissapating into indifference.

"what is there to forget?" you ask, hurt and anger making your voice shake.

haechan is staring at you, his face now so close to yours if you leaned in just slightly your lips would brush.

"you don't mean that," he says, quietly.

and just like that, all the fight drains out of you.

"haechan, jisung just wants to take me out on a date." his features tense, and he bites his lower lip harshly. "would you ever ask me out on a date, haechan?"

he doesn't respond.

"would you?"

"i told you," he breathes. "i don't do that."

"you told me you didn't want to be my first time, and you took it back," you remind him, quietly.

"that's different." you can't help the disappointment that wells up inside you, and you know he can see it from the way his face falls too.

"don't look at me like that, princess." he sinks into your touch easily, warmth once again circling your body.

you don't know if you wished haechan was a liar, or if you wished he wasn't. if he was telling the truth about everything, it would be easier to let go of him, to walk away from someone who could only cause you pain, from someone who played with you over and over again.

but maybe if he was lying it would all make sense – the way he said he didn't want you and yet kept showing up, the jealousy and the conflict in his voice, all of it would have some sort of plausible reason, one that would mean that maybe he cared for you.

"i don't want to do this anymore," you mumble, hands placed on his chest. you only push at him lightly, but he backs off all the way to the opposite wall, your words feeling like salt in his wounds. "i can't do this with you, haechan."

"y/n-"

"you have a show soon," you mumble, turning around to look in the mirror. you comb your hair with your fingers, trying to calm yourself down. behind you, haechan's eyes flash with frustration, his jaw clenched and his eyebrows drawn together as he looks up at your reflection.

"i'm trying to talk to you."

"are you?" it's a genuine question, and it makes him falter, a response half-formed on his lips. when it's clear he won't finish his thought, you close your eyes.

"you need to go," you say again, quietly.

"will you be there?"

you don’t respond, and he repeats himself, urgently.

"will you be there? at the show?"

"i will," you say, hesitantly.

"i'll see you then." his voice is controlled, and steady. somehow it feels like the calm before the storm.

but before you can turn around to try to talk to him, persuade him to calm down, ask him what's wrong, he's already left the room, the sound of his heeled boots echoing down the hall.

—

"is everything okay?"

"why are they taking so long?"

"are they late?"

unease settles in the pit of your stomach as you stand in the crowd, the voices all around you whispering anxiously. it had been 15 minutes since the show was scheduled to start — but the lights on the stage were dim, and the pre-show playlist had just restarted for the second time. you had situated yourself on the left side of the stage, where jisung usually stood, and you bounced on your toes, hoping that everything was alright backstage so jisung could come out and see that you had kept your promise.

and then there's a low rumble, as lights finally flood the venue, the crowd sighing with relief as jeno and mark appear – jeno waving at the crowd, his drumsticks in one hand, while mark smiles reassuringly, walking over to the mic and checking that it's at the correct height. he apologizes lightly for the delay, looking to the side of the stage nervously as he murmurs a quick introduction of the band into the mic.

haechan strides onto stage, electric guitar slung around his neck, as the crowd's screams reach an all-time high. he stops abruptly at the left side of the stage, right in front of where you stood, nodding at the crowd and cocking his head from side to side, as if preparing for a fight. he keeps his face level as his eyes find yours, that same burning intensity you felt in the dressing room unwavering as he held your gaze.

and then jisung appears, footsteps faltering where haechan stood, the grip on his bass going slack.

"haechan." jisung's voice is soft, you can barely hear it from where you stand so close to the stage. you can tell that the crowd behind has no clue what's going on, but some fans are looking at each other confusedly, pointing at the two boys, and the position on mark's left where haechan usually stood, now empty.

"yes?" haechan's not looking at jisung, fingers running phantom chords up and down the fret board.

"w-why are you standing here?" jisung whispered, embarrassment evident in his tone. "aren't you supposed to be on mark's left?"

haechan's eyes briefly flick up to yours. "not today."

distressed, jisung makes a sound. "haechan." guilt fills up your lungs like smoke, making it difficult to breathe, a twist in your chest as jisung looks over at you, lost.

"run along, jisung," haechan murmurs, softly. "don't want to keep the fans waiting."

mark, not wanting to draw attention to them, keeps smiling at the crowd, starting to ask them a few questions. jisung only tries a few more times, haechan resolutely ignoring him, before finally accepting defeat, casting his eyes over to you — his gaze wounded and confused, as he walks off with his bass. he assumes haechan's position, and the crowd cheers encouragingly. the boy manages a smile.

when mark starts to introduce the first song, haechan finally looks up, a faint smile playing on his lips as his eyes lock with yours again. just like the day you met.

and just like the day you met, you felt yourself fall under his spell, yet again.

—

"haechan, i think we —" you gasp out, in between the kisses that haechan is pressing to your lips.

he gives a non-committal hum, his legs framing your body as he holds you close to his chest. his lips are warm and soft, tasting slightly of cherries, as he opens you up little by little, chaste kisses turning into open-mouthed ones, his tongue darting out and gently licking into your mouth in a way that was intoxicating.

you grip onto his arm harshly, trying to ground yourself, and he inhales sharply, breaking away.

"haechan –" you pant. "we should-"

but then he's kissing you again, smothering your words with his lips and his tongue. his hands rub at your lower back, guiding your movements as you shift against him, his hips grinding upwards almost lazily.

"jisung, –" you start, but now he gives a groan, rumbling through his chest almost like a roar. slumped back against the car door, he glares at you, touching the corner of his wet mouth with his thumb.

"you did not just fucking say my bandmates name while you're on me."

"we should apologize to jisung," your words come out in a rush.

"for?" he catches the look on your face, and rolls his eyes. "fine," he mumbles. "i'll talk to him." leaning up towards you, he starts to pepper kisses down your jaw, sucking a little harder on the mark he had left before. "kiss me?" he mumbles, and you have to stop yourself from caving in.

"haechan," you press on, as haechan licks boldly at your collarbone. "haechan –"

"keep saying my name," he murmurs, hands roaming up your shirt, teasing over the clasp of your bra.

"mark, —"

"fuck." breaking away agian, haechan tips his head back, lips stretched out and puffy as he tongued his cheek. "you want me jealous princess? is that it? because it's fucking working –"

"haechan, we keep hurting people." you place both hands on his chest, trying to calm him down.

"what?"

"today we hurt mark too. although, i don't really know why–" you break off, thinking about how he looked as he tried to follow after you and haechan. how jisung's cheeks burned red as he walked across the stage. "haechan, they're your friends."

"you wanna hurt jeno too?" he raises his eyebrows, his own hands now mindlessly scraping against yours. "you can lead him on, and then we can fuck while he watches. although he'll probably like that –"

again, he takes in the way you frown. "fine. sorry. jeez."

"i don't want to hurt people because of us," you say, softly.

"well," he exhales. "they're only hurt because they can't have you, princess." he tucks your hair behind your ear from where its come loose. "there's nothing we can do, hm?"

you shake your head. "you're not being fair," you whisper.

"how so?" his hands slide down. there's something possessive in the drag of his palms, the way he squeezes your waist.

"you don't call me yours…but you also don't let them near me." your voice is small, but it rings loud in the silence of the car all the same. the streets outside were empty and deserted, and you think you can hear your heart beating in the still air as your palms stay pressed on his firm chest. "haechan…i need you to choose."

it's a long time before haechan responds. he's tired from the show and all the adrenaline, you can feel it in his slow breathing, in the way his eyes blink slowly up at you like an afterthought. but his eyes are what give it away – his gaze is sharp and calculative as his eyes roam your body, his touches not quite as drowsy as he appears, fingers tingling against skin.

you wait, your heart in your throat. you wait and you hope.

his full lips part, his eyes meeting yours.

"so…this is our last time together?"

of course that's his choice. the disappointment spreads like cold, an ache deep in your bones. "if that's what you choose." your voice is flimsy. "haechan, —" but nothing leaves your mouth, just a wounded sound. everything rushing up inside you like a waves breaking over the shore, memories flooding your senses.

the hurt on mark's face. haechan's hands on your skin. the blush that burned at jisung's skin as he watched haechan pull you to his car, his figure growing smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. haechan's lips against your ear as he held you.

"shhh," his arms hold you against his chest, smoothing down your spine as he comforts you as if you were a baby, you clinging on tight to him as if he were going to disappear. "it's okay," he murmurs. "we'll just have to make it count, hm?" gently, he guides your face out of his chest, relieved when he realizes that you're not crying yet, at least. kissing your cheek gently, he brushes his thumb against the apples of your cheeks. "are you alright? do you want me to take you home?"

"s-stop it." you manage to steady your breathing enough to repeat yourself. "stop being gentle with me, haechan. stop leading me on."

"stop getting hurt," he replies, a little teasing, but his tone aches.

"kiss me?"

this time you do, letting him guide your movements, as he pulls you down into his body as if he were trying to pull you all the way through him.

his kisses are slow and sweet, tilting his head almost shyly, the tip of his nose bumping against yours as he leans up into you. his tongue carefully slides over your bottom lip, before he's nudging your lips apart with his own again, tongue gently moving over yours, pulling away with a small smile when you chase after him, tongue stuck out slightly, chasing the warmth of his mouth.

"cute," he mumbles, and you pull your shirt up over your head just so he won't see the way your cheeks burn in the dark.

his movements become a little more urgent as he unclasps your bra, letting it slide to the floor of his car as he surges towards you. his lips begin to suck marks onto your chest, hands now squeezing your soft breasts, mapping your body indulgently. his tongue licks slowly around your right nipple, before giving it a gentle flick with his tongue, your body shifting restlessly against him as it sends a wave of arousal down to your core. he hugs you against him to steady your movements, lapping at your nipples and guiding each roll of your hips down into his.

your hands find their way into his hair, pulling him away from you. before you can tell him to stop teasing, he's kissed you again — placating. sweet like he knew everything you were about to say, before you even said it.

you raise your hips as his hands smooth over the pleats of your skirt, before flipping the soft material upwards. you hadn't worn anything special, not having the courage to, but the way he looked at your simple white panties, thumb running carefully over the pink bow in the middle of the waistband, made you feel warm all over. you hurry to pull them off, just to break the moment, but he catches them right before you tug them off your ankle.

"can i keep these?" his doe-eyes blink up at you. you can see the brown in his irises, almost gold in the light. you nod, and he lets out a laugh, kissing you through his smile as his fingers wander up your thighs.

he starts with slow circles on your clit, stroking the nub gently, feeling the way your hips shift at the feeling. when he speeds up his motions, fingers teasing along your slit and catching at your entrance a few times, your hips begin to pick up a steady rhythm, rocking into his hand.

"do you just want to cum like this?" he asks kindly, placing a bit more pressure on the tips of his fingers. he wants to be inside you badly, his erection almost painful from the lack of contact, but he knew that it might do more for him than it did for you.

this was how he wanted you to be taken care of for your first time, for your second time — this is why he didn't want you to slip away from him into rooms with men who wouldn't know what you needed, wouldn't care what you wanted.

or at least — it's what he tells himself to keep him sane.

"'m close," you mumble, your movements uncoordinated, neediness driving your hips into his hand, pleasure that you didn't quite know how to handle. "feels so empty, haechan, please –"

he slows down his movements, a hand sliding over your waist to rub at your lower back, eliciting a warm sound from you that radiates into his chest. he slides a finger into your tight entrance, feeling the way you tense around him, slowly slipping the finger in and out, curling against your walls carefully. his thumb comes up to press your clit, and you inhale sharply as the pressure in your abdomen builds.

"more…"

"baby, you're doing so well," he praises. freckling careful kisses on your neck to distract you, you feel another finger catch against your entrance, his hand breaking its rhythm to carefully slide in, stretching your hole out even more. with a lewd suck on the base of your neck, he curls both fingers against your walls, a slick finger slipping on your clit, and you feel yourself crash headfirst into your high, thighs clamping around his hand in sensitivity as you moan. he murmurs praises against your ear, kissing your jaw sweetly between each one.

he removes his hand from your core with a wet sound, and you drop down into his lap, feeling weak at the knees even though you weren't standing. he lets out a groan, feeling your wetness and warmth through his jeans, and he can feel his cock twitch under the fabric. but still, he waits until your breathing evens out, using his cleaner hand to stroke at your sides, humming lightly under his breath, the reassuring sound filling the car. his breaths sync with yours as you come down from your high, and together you let out a shaky exhale.

"do you mind?" he asks, quietly, hands going to his belt slowly, trying not to startle you. "we don't have to have sex. i just really need to take care of this now…" you nod, flustered, crawling backwards down his legs, and he leans forward to kiss the crown of your hair. against the soft sounds of your breathing, the sound of him unbuckling his belt, letting it drop into the shadows, and the rustle of fabric as he tugged his jeans and underwear down as much as he could, were endlessly arousing. you felt yourself begin to pulse with need again, your thighs squeezing together when he pulls out his cock, thick and heavy against his palm, the tip blushy and leaking.

he gives himself a tentative stroke, spreading pre-cum over his length before squeezing the base and hissing at the feeling as he tries to stop from cumming too soon. as if in a trance, you reach out towards him, your hand curiously wrapping around his shaft. he groans, low, as you give him a tentative stroke, although the sound is cut off by a high whimper when your fingers rub the head of his cock, silky under your fingertips.

"baby, you don't have to –" he's cut off by another moan as you squeeze his length, applying more pressure as you stroke. "fuck, jus' like that," he mumbles, weakly, as you twist your wrist a little on a downstroke, palm slippery with pre-cum. after a few more strokes, watching haechan's head loll this way and that, twisting with pleasure, you pay more attention to his tip, thumbing just under it, fingers rubbing his slit. haechan's hips are restless, thrusting into your hand, his body shaking and the muscles on his abdomen clenched tight. you give him a few more strokes, and his whines fill up the car, raspy and sinful in a way that made you crave him even more.

mimicking his movements, you slide your hand back down to his base and squeeze. he blinks hazily up at you, lips still parted, panting breathlessly.

"baby…"

"i need you," your voice feels broken, desire pulsing through each syllable. "please haechan," you add, as he swallows harshly, his cock twitching slightly against the warmth of your hand.

pulling you towards him, he kisses you again, fingers wandering down to your heat and stroking your folds. "so wet from touching me, baby?" he teases, smiling against your lips as he slips a finger in, and then another, your walls sucking him in easily. he finds your soft spot immediately, your thighs shaking around his hand as you whine. it's a sound embarrassing to your own ears, but it's like music to haechan's ears, as he lets out a low groan.

"it's too bad it's your last time with me," he murmurs, lightly, as he takes a condom out from the glove compartment, his hands moving swiftly as he tears open the package and rolls it onto his cock. "i would love to record your pretty sounds…" your voice lets out another small whimper, as if proving him right, as he adjusts you on his lap so the head of his cock lines up with your entrance. slowly, you sink down on him, clutching onto his body for support as you feel him fill you up tightly.

"breathe," he coaxes, letting his own head sink back against the seats, the hazy feeling of you wet and warm around him intensifying as you take all of him inside you. he continues on, trying to distract you by peppering gentle kisses all over your cheeks. "would you like to hear your voice in a song, sweetheart? all the girls in the crowd wondering who's pretty voice is on the track, wondering who's making her feel this good…" he hisses, when he feels you pulse around him. "you want that?"

your lips part, stuttering out jumbles of half-sentences, yes-es and nos. "'m just teasing, baby," he coos, as he thrusts his hips upwards experimentally, bouncing you on his lap. you lean into his body, feeling muscle firm under your palms as you raise your hips and grind against him, sensitivity making your thighs shake as the movement stimulates your clit.

responding to your need, his arm loops around your waist while his fingers wander towards your clit, stroking and rubbing it expertly as he continues to thrust up into you, the car jolting with his movements. his strong thighs tense as he moves, barely pulling out before stuffing himself into you again, your walls kneading his length in a way that makes his body feel hot with need, chasing his climax. your soft sounds each time his tip grazes your soft spot are an aphrodisiac, and he feels himself growing impossibly harder inside you, so aroused it almost hurts.

"haechan, i'm cumming," you moan, and his fingers put more pressure on your clit, as you bounce on him, eager for release.

"keep saying my name," he breathes, pulling you close, your bodies moving frantic and unsteady against each other, as you cum, mouthing his name against his skin. he empties himself into the condom soon after, hips still jolting as he helps you ride out the aftershocks of your climax, your breaths echoing loud in the car.

you almost wanted to ask for round 2 — and you were sure he would give it to you, if you had asked. instead you stay silent, feeling emptier than ever as he pulls out, your body draining of his warmth as he cleans you with wipes from his glove compartment, kissing you sweetly whenever your eyes met. the water bottle he procured from the passenger seat of the car making you wonder if this was his plan all along, as you sipped quietly, as he put your address in his phone to take you home.

—

you can feel him slip away from you on the drive back.

a sea of red and green lights move across the planes of his face as you watch him drive, one hand on the wheel and the other touching your hand softly on the centre console. you give his fingers a faint squeeze and he smiles, bringing your hand up to his lips and pressing a light kiss to your fingertips.

when you reach the next intersection, he pulls his hand from yours and puts it back on the steering wheel.

when he makes his next turn, his shoulders start to tense and the easy, relaxed expression on his face morphs into a stony one.

and when he finally pulls up in front of your apartment building, turning to face you, the glowing streetlights illuminating the outlines of his face do nothing to soften the blow of seeing him like this again — looking at you with half-lidded eyes, almost lazy in his power.

"are you coming to the next show?"

"i want to," you respond, your voice small. "...should i?"

"it doesn't really matter to me." his fingers tap against the wheel, restlessly. "i just hope you know you shouldn't wait around afterwards."

you bite your lip. "i know."

he nods. "so you know this is over?"

"i know."

"good girl." it feels like a punch to the stomach, and you inhale, sharply, hands gripping the handle of the car door. waiting for him to dismiss you, as he always did.

but then he's speaking again, breaking the silence. his voice is softer, a little more hesitant – "do you need me to walk you up?" he's not looking at you, eyes trained on his dashboard. "will you be okay?"

it's cruel, the way your heart stutters in your chest. you take one last look at him, trying to memorize everything — the sharp line of his jaw, his collarbones, the joints of his fingers, the way his pinky finger crooks slightly to the right. the faint smell of vanilla and something darker, mixed with his warmth. you try to memorize it because you're sure this is the last time you'll be so close to him again, both in proximity, and in the way his voice aches with something close to tenderness. in that moment, you know if you told him you needed him, he would turn off the engine and open your car door, holding you safe against his chest and walking you up to your apartment. but what for? for him to shut off on the way up the elevator, and turn into a stranger at your door?

"it's fine," you murmur, and you don't wait for a response before stepping out into the warm night.

—

your ribs press against the barrier, and you wince slightly. the crowd screams loud in your ear, as the boy in front of you looks up from his guitar at the crowd in front of him, dark gaze sliding over faces, tongue poking at his cheek and puffy lips stretched.

his eyes briefly meet yours, and your heart skips a beat.

and then he's looking back down at his guitar again, lips pursed in concentration.

the next time he glances up, the familiar glint is back, eyebrows drawn together. there was something strange about the way he was looking at you, not exactly meeting your eyes. was he looking at your clothes? your hair? or…

"oh my god!"

you shoot a brief glance back, at the girl who's just let out a squeal. she claps her hands over her mouth, eyes shining as she stares adoringly at haechan, unblinking. you don't have to check to know he's staring right back — you know the look on her face a little too well.

the disappointment and jealousy weighing on your chest is entirely unjustified, but you feel it heavy in your bones, anyway.

he had meant every word: it was truly over.

–

"did anyone see you?"

"no," you whimper, as he mouths over the seat of your panties, tongue lapping at your folds through the fabric.

"good girl," he pants, letting out a satisfied groan when he tugs them down your legs, burying his face in between your legs with a lewd moan.

but if it was truly over, why did he find you after the show last week, – slipping by you to tell you to meet him in the upstairs master bedroom, where he fingered you open in front of the mirror?

if it was truly over, why did a stagehand stop you from leaving after the next show you went to, passing you a note that told you to wait at the back entrance of the venue?

"fuck fuck fuck-"

and if it was truly over, why was he currently in between your spread legs, his mouth and chin covered with your juices as you lay on his bed?

"need you now, princess." his fingers brush your clit, and your thighs shake with overstimulation. "are you okay? i can wait-"

"don't wait," you plead, pulling him towards you. he follows, propping himself up on his arms as his face reaches yours, his lips gently nudging your own apart, letting you taste yourself on his tongue when he kisses you. his sticky hands stroke your sides, leaving trails on your skin. "haechan –"

he interrupts you with another kiss. freckling more kisses down your neck, he smiles against the mark he left days ago, fading slightly now. "i missed this," he murmurs, and your heart stings, a collection of memories surfacing in your mind – of his eyes avoiding yours at shows. of him waiting onstage for someone else. of him smiling at you cordially, face blank as if he were greeting you for the first time when he talked to you in front of other fans.

"did you really?"

he doesn't respond, latching his lips to your skin with a hum, hands cupping your breasts in one swift motion, fingers teasing over your nipples and making your body arch into his touch.

"haechan…"

"what do you want, princess?" he wanders lower, licking at your cleavage. your mind threatens to blank when he circles a fingertip around your areola, puffy wet lips closing around a nipple and sucking wetly. "hm?"

"want you to fuck me…" your voice is shaky, but you press on. "like how you were gonna fuck that girl."

his hands still for just a brief second. you can see your words hit him, understanding and lust flickering in his responding laugh. he focuses his eyes back on your face, hands now coming up to brush your lips, caressing your cheek, smoothing over your skin almost lovingly.

this is how he was going to fuck her?

"open up," he murmurs, fingers pressed to your bottom lip. as if stuck in a trance, your lips part.

a wet mess of saliva, still mixed with traces of your arousal, drips down from his tongue into your mouth, connecting your lips with his in a glossy sheen. his lips tug into a smile as he sees your blown-out pupils, arousal completely overriding his every thought.

his fingers trace your jaw. "swallow," he commands, sweetly, and as always you do exactly as he says.

you feel something shift against your upper thigh, your hips rising on instinct to buck against his hard length, still trapped behind his ripped jeans.

his low groan is interrupted by a sharp rattling of the doorknob, followed by a thud against the door. both of you still, eyes focused on the locked door, straining your ears to hear the voices outside.

"are you sure no one saw you?" haechan asks, quietly. "did jisung see you? mark? jeno?"

"i don't think so," you mumble.

that was the arrangement you had come up with a little over a week ago, discussed in heated kisses and bliss-induced haze. you could keep seeing haechan, as long as you never saw the rest of the band again. on nights when he knew he wanted you, you would slip through crowds like a ghost to make your way into warm beds and cold bathrooms, saving him from the jealousy, and saving you from the questions.

of course, there were a few nights where no message would find you, where he wouldn't grab your wrist as you brushed past him in a hallway, his hands distracted with someone else. those nights used to make you cry, your entire being aching for his attention, his indifference just as bruising as his care.

the doorknob rattles again, and there's a knock on the door.

"haechan? are you in there?"

mark's voice.

"they're back early from the party," haechan mumbled. to your shock, he ignores them and tugs off his shirt roughly, revealing delicate tanned skin dotted with moles, looking soft-to-touch.

"haechan," mark's voice is exasperated. "i thought we agreed not to bring girls to our apartment."

haechan rolls his eyes as his hands go to his belt, ridding himself of his pants and underwear. you can see the muscles in his thighs tense as he makes his way up the bed, hands holding your hips.

"you wanted me to fuck you like the other girls?" he murmurs, low so only you can hear. "well. on your knees."

"but mark is –" you break off, seeing the way his eyes narrow, something dangerous flickering in his pupils. "but…but they're outside," you whisper. as if to prove your point, mark bangs on the door again.

and then jisung's voice, low and urgent comes through the door. "who is he even with? the girl he left the show with was alone when i saw her."

"god, are they all outside the door?" haechan grumbles, focusing his attention back on you when you let out a small sound of distress. "forget about them," he soothes, leaning in to kiss you on the lips. his mouth moves over yours searingly, possessive and all-consuming in the way he pushes his tongue into your mouth. "on your knees," he commands, quietly, against your mouth. "i won't ask again."

a thrill runs down your spine as you flip over, his large hands adjusting you so your back arches, head pressed into the pillows as he holds your hips up. he presses a kiss to your back as he reaches off the bed for a condom, rolling it onto his hard length with a soft groan. you look over your shoulder, see him stroking himself, mouth hanging open.

"hurry," you plead. you can feel slick on your thighs from the way he ate you out earlier, growing wetter from anticipation. "please."

he ignores you. "can you be quiet for me?" he mumbles. outside, you can hear the boys discussing something heatedly, voices low so you can't make out the words. "don't want anyone else to hear you."

"yes," you promise, meekly.

"good girl." he lines himself up to your entrance, reaching around to rub your clit as he runs the tip of his cock against your folds. you let out a shaky breath at the feeling, trying hard not to let it catch your vocal cords.

one hand on your hip and the other stroking your lower back, he pushes in slowly, letting you adjust to his girth. you feel a sting as he stretches your walls, filling you up deeply while burying himself inside you. he murmurs for you to relax, listening to you take shallow breaths, the way your hole flutters around his length making him want to thrust forward, relieve his own ache.

"haechan, are you asleep?"

there's a sharp rap on the door, and haechan curses as it makes you tighten around him, gummy walls gripping him like a vice, as if begging for his cum.

"you liked that, baby?" his voice is low, and mocking. you whimper. "you like the idea of them coming in and seeing you like this? letting me take you like a slut?"

"haechan, we know you're in there." now it's jeno's rough voice, devoid of its usual warmth. "we saw the shoes at the door. we need to talk."

haechan pulls out until only his tip is still inside you, and slams back in aggressively, filling you to the brim. he starts to build a rhythm, thrusting deep and slow inside you, letting you feel the drag of him against your walls as he strokes your clit with his fingers. he was taking his time with you — pausing to lean forward and press kisses to your shoulders, mouthing messily over your skin.

"haechan, please -" you try to keep your voice quiet, but he chooses this time to fuck you a little harder, picking up the pace, and your mouth hangs open as your aborted whimpers turn into drawn out moans.

"hm?" he prompts, faking nonchalance. but you can feel that the pace is affecting him too, his breathing growing heavier as he speeds up a little more.

"harder," you mumble, words feeling thick and slow in your mouth. "faster. fuck,"

a bang on the door. the loud sound makes you jolt, and haechan hisses as you clench down on him harshly again, your thighs inching closer together, creating a tighter fit around his thick cock.

"i wonder why they're not coming in yet." his voice in your ear is low, sultry. the kind he uses on-stage when he's teasing the crowd.

"i-isn't the door l-locked?"

"sure…but it's a really old lock. i know mark could open it if he really wanted to. he's done it before when i'm late for rehearsals, ah fuck-" he's slamming himself into you, barely pulling out before pushing in again, wet sounds filling the room. "fuck, you must really like that. how do you just keep getting tighter and tighter, hm?"

"haech–"

"maybe i'll ask them to come in…" he muses, his tone sickly sweet. "i just know you'll cum hard on my cock when they open the door, right? let them see how filthy you are?"

"don't –", you choke.

"should i tell them not to come in?"

"no," you gasp, and he laughs, darkly.

"no, i should tell them to come in?" he asks between breathless pants, pace unrelenting as the lewd sound of skin against skin fills the room. "you want me to talk to them baby?"

you let out an incoherent mumble, no longer sure of anything.

he coos at that. "dumb already, princess?" his hand wanders up to your chest, blunt nails haphazardly scraping across your nipples. your hips push back onto him instinctively, fucking yourself onto his length, your hips chasing pleasure from the sensitivity as you cum.

"haechan, i'm not leaving until you open the door." another thud, as mark sits down.

"fuck…" haechan's only half listening to mark as he throws his head back, murmuring curses as he feels you clench around him, milking his cock. it takes all the self control he has to place his hands on your waist, stilling your movements as he pulls out of you. he's so hard that it hurts, and he knows his release is close, but he still shifts your body until you're lying on your back, and he can see your tear-streaked face, drool smeared all over your chin.

you mouth his name soundlessly, fresh waves of tears gathering on your waterline as you see him move away from you, and you try to sit up to keep him in your line of sight.

"haechan, –"

"i'm here," he murmurs, one hand immediately finding yours and squeezing, the other grappling for the water bottle on the bedside table. he unscrews the cap with one hand as he moves towards you, helping you prop yourself up against the headboard. "drink."

he holds the bottle up to your lips, but you shake your head. "want you," you whisper, even though your mouth feels warm and sticky, your throat dry from moaning. you can't focus on anything except for the emptiness inside you, your clit throbbing whenever you shift your thighs together slightly. you're focused on his hard length, the slope of his shoulders down to his slender waist. you shake your head again, knocking the bottle against your lips and spilling a little bit of the water onto the sheets.

"don't be a brat." his voice is low, a dangerous sort of patience in his tone. "drink, or i won't give you what you want."

you swallow, his voice washing over you, pulling you under. this time when he raises the bottle to your lips, you hold it with shaky hands, letting water trickle down your throat. his own hand comes up, touching two fingers to your neck gently, making sure you were drinking instead of pretending by feeling for the movement of your throat.

"done?" he watches you lick your parted lips, dewy with water and saliva, and takes the bottle from you, placing it back on the stand. "do you want to keep going?"

you nod, slowly.

"use your words," he commands, quietly.

"please don't stop," you plead, shuffling towards him. it feels like the fog has cleared slightly in your head, the water making the heat haze dissipate. vaguely, you're sure that mark, jisung, and jeno must know what you were doing – must have heard the headboard thumping against the wall, haechan's low groans and your breathless whimpers.

you wonder what mark is thinking now, outside, not leaving and yet not breaking in like haechan said he could. it sends a wave of arousal down to your core, some part of you wanting him to see the way you break for haechan, completely and wholly his. your way of rejecting him without having to see his face – your way of explaining why you ignored him whenever he caught your eyes during shows and after-parties.

haechan reads you easily, observing the way your eyes flicker to the door. he's torn between opening the door himself — letting mark see you on his bed, fucked stupid by him, or stepping outside and telling mark to leave because no one should see or hear you like this but him.

"do you want me to tell mark to leave?"

"n-no," you hesitate. "don't."

he raises his eyebrows. "why?"

"w-want him to know that i'm yours," you mumble, a hand wrapping around his thigh and squeezing.

haechan's eyes darken. “mine?” he echoes, quietly, almost gently.

you're so focused on the shift in his features – the set of his jaw, the way he tenses, that you barely notice he's sliding off the bed and picking you up effortlessly so that you cling to his upper body, legs gripping his waist. his lip curls into a smile, head tilted mockingly as he starts to walk, strong arms holding you up.

your back hits solid wood, and you gasp.

"haechan?" mark's voice is crystal clear on the other side of the door.

haechan adjusts his grip, pushing you against the door as he slides his tip along your dripping cunt, making you squirm in his hold.

"be good, hm?" he whispers, as he pushes into you, eyes squeezing shut and jaw dropping open at the feeling of your walls sucking him back in, pulsing along his length and making his cock throb. when he opens his eyes again, his gaze is unfocused, hazy, and you can see that this situation is heightening his arousal, causing his thrusts to be sloppy and unfocused as he chases his own high. each time he pushes into you, the weight of his hips snapping against yours pushes against the door, and you hear it jolt a little, the lock jiggling.

mark's shouted expletive rings against your ears, mirrored by haechan's own as he captures your lips in a kiss. the feeling is familiar and new at the same time, his tongue sliding languidly over yours, swiping against your bottom lip. at the sight of your parted mouth and wet lips, he moans again, and without hesitating he spits into your waiting mouth, sloppy and messy, causing it to dribble past your lips and down your chin.

the rhythm against the door is unmistakable, and you can hear footsteps as mark runs off. haechan laughs, a pleased hum in his chest that vibrates against your own as he leans into you, and he mouths down your neck, biting at your shoulder and letting his low groan scrape against his throat as a growl. you cum when your stiff nipples brush against his chest, the tiny bit of stimulation just enough to throw you over the edge into your orgasm, your thighs clenching around him as you sob, your core aching.

the feeling of your walls rippling around his length is too much to bear, and he barely lets you ride out your orgasm on him before he's pulling out of you and carrying you back to his bed. haechan tugs off the condom urgently as you lie there, tired and spent, watching as he strokes his length, fast, eyes fluttering open and shut with lust, his hips thrusting forward uncontrollably. his thumb ghosts just under the head of his cock, and then he's cumming all over your stomach and chest, sticky white spurts pooling on your skin.

you watch him out of half-lidded eyes as his breathing slows, collapsing next to you in a heap. the high from the sex hasn't faded yet – the consequences of being heard by all his bandmates hasn't hit you, as you bask in the temporary glow of being his.

a finger traces along the cum on your stomach, haechan transfixed by the sight. curious, your hands grab for the small mirror on his bedside table, and he comes out of his daze, handing it to you wordlessly.

in the moonlight, the marks he's made on your skin blur with the shadows. no part of you looks untouched — your tear-streaked face and kiss-swollen lips, bruises on your hips and the sting of the bite mark on your shoulder. your hands tremble a little as you focus the mirror on where his fingers play with his drying cum on your skin, tracing lines and curves.

"'m yours," you mumble out.

"yeah?" he chokes. "mine?"

dazedly, you point to your neck. "yours."

he groans, just watching you, eyes roving over your body. "you're beautiful," he whispers. you think he means it.

"more." your voice is quiet.

"no more, baby," he murmurs, looking up at you with concern. "it's too much for you."

you shake your head. "these could be from anyone," you point at the marks on your neck. his body tenses, hands stiff on your skin. "i want to be yours."

slowly, your words settle over him. he looks at you with an unreadable expression, the kind you see right before he strikes his first chord, the moment his eyes find yours in the crowd. a dark sort of determination, in the way his holds your gaze.

he reaches over, and opens a drawer. you can hear the sound of things knocking around inside as he roots his hand around, finally emerging with an eyeliner pen. through the mirror, you can see his hands splayed out over the space just under your breasts, pulling the skin over your ribcage taut. his tongue pokes out into the lower corner of his mouth as he places the tip of the pen to your skin.

he loops once. skids the pen downwards. jerks it up harshly, ending off with jagged motions, each brush trailing ink on your skin.

when he's done he leans backwards, raising his eyebrows, asking you wordlessly if this was finally enough. his signature on your body, next to the bruises and marks and last remnants of his cum on your skin.

—

"haechan?"

he doesn't respond, but a part of you expects it already – you've memorized the way he leaves.

"why didn't you fuck that girl tonight?"

he takes his time, taking a long sip from his bottle of wine. from where you lie on the bed, you can just see the broad frame of his back, his side profile as he looks out of the window and at the moon, bright in the sky, the milky glow illuminating his skin. without his makeup, he looked like just a boy – pretty features almost dainty on his face. it's his hands which break the facade, calloused and rough, with veins that make your head spin when you think about them for too long, holding the bottle up to his lips.

"didn't feel like it."

you think about his answer, blinking slowly from the sleepiness. "why did you fuck me?"

he faces forward, away from you. "felt like it."

"why?"

"i'm beginning to question that too," he replies, bluntly.

hurt aches in your bones, as silence rings loud in your ears. "if you don't want me here i can just go," you say, softly, and you're sure your voice sounds as wounded as you feel. "you've cleaned me up. i can leave if you want."

you can see him stiffen, his shoulders tensing up.

"where's jaemin?"

of course. sitting up, you wince at the ache between your legs. "he's probably asleep," you answer, bitterly. "but i can just call a cab –"

his back muscles tense, and then he's shifting from where he sits on the edge of the bed. sliding into the space next to you, he rests back against the headboard, legs stretched out over the sheets. a hand wraps around yours.

"ask me easier questions," he mumbles, turning your palm over so he can lace your fingers together, giving them a reassuring squeeze.

your breath stutters.

"what did you talk about? with the band?"

after cleaning you up and tucking you into bed, haechan had finally stalked out of the bedroom to talk to mark, jisung and jeno. he hadn't said a thing when he returned, holding a bottle of wine, placing it on the bedside table before stepping into the bathroom wordlessly to remove his makeup.

haechan blinks down slowly at your intertwined hands. "they asked me what was going on."

"what?"

"i've been losing focus," he mumbles. "during shows and during rehearsal. and jeno noticed i kept ditching girls at parties, said it wasn't like me to not be fucking around at all."

a beat.

you bite your lip. "you're…you're losing focus?"

but he just shakes his head. "they're wrong."

you can see that the topic is upsetting him, so you rush to ask another question. "do you write any of the songs that the band play?"

he raises his eyebrows. "so you care so much about the band now? does that mean you're a fan?"

he ignores your mumbled excuse, squeezing your hand again to let you know he was teasing. "mark usually writes the songs," he answers. "i don't have much to write about." and then, with a little more force, "ask me questions about me, not the band."

"what does this tattoo mean?" you place the tip of your finger just below his ribcage, where there's a small doodle of a bear paw.

"people say i look like a bear," he mumbles, a little shy. even in the moonlight, his pouty lips and round cheeks are evident, his shoulders broad as he slumps against the headboard.

"i see it," you confirm, and a smile flickers on his face.

"yeah?" he looks over at you, and his free arm loops around your shoulder, squeezing you into his side. his affection buzzes in your veins, as you try to divert his attention with another question.

"and what does this tattoo mean?" your other hand comes up again, now to trace at the sunflower peeking out from the base of his neck, trailing down to his shoulder.

he takes a deep breath. "my sister picked it."

"sister?"

"baby sister," he adds, softly. "she just turned six. this is her favorite flower."

"oh."

"why?" he tilts his head, bumping your own gently. "do i not seem like an older brother?"

"i think…" you hum, contemplating. "not when you're onstage," you decide.

"do you think i'm different? from when i'm onstage?"

"i don't know you enough to judge," you say, truthfully. aside from the sex, and from the brief moments right after when it felt like he was truly there, holding you, the haechan you knew was mostly the one flooded with stage lights, the kind of boy you had to beg to earn his attention.

haechan goes quiet, his hand on yours stilling, and you turn to look at him. tension is filling up the room, slow and thick like a fog, and you can't breathe against the weight of everything — the weight of his gaze, the almost boyish way his eyes flick down to your lips and back up to meet yours.

"do you want to?"

you bite your lip.

maybe two weeks ago your heart would have leapt, maybe you would have begged for the opportunity to have him closer.

but your body has already had time to learn disappointment, to defend yourself against his callousness and his cold, learning the art of slipping in and out of intimacies. every line crossed, every boundary blurred.

"do i want to?" you echo, and you see him falter.

maybe his own words held more weight than he'd anticipated.

"you don't?"

or maybe he was just scared to hear your answer.

"will you let me?" you reflect the question back to him. his fingers twitch against your shoulder where he's still holding you.

there were some nights where it felt as if he was taking his adrenaline out on your body, or where he was making you forget the fear of being caught by overriding your senses with pleasure. there were others when you fell so deep into a headspace, that he would care for you gently, something romantic and tender in the negative space between your bodies.

and ultimately all of these nights ended the same – the same curl of his lip, his face closed-off, his voice too steady and unfeeling.

"how would you let me know you?" it's only when he flinches when you catch the harshness to your tone, your own words leaving a bitter aftertaste in your mouth. "by barely letting things slip every night?"

"y/n…" it's not meant as a warning. your name is spoken softly, with an ache in it that makes goosebumps rise up your arms. "i thought you were fine."

"i am," you insist, feeling defensive. "i'm fine with you pretending you don't know me, or when you disappear on the drive home."

"y/n, –"

"just…don't say things if you don't mean them," you finish, mumbling your words to mute the hurt in them.

there's a long silence.

and then, his voice, so delicate and fragile, like he was afraid his words would bruise the space between him and you.

"we're playing at a bar this friday."

you make a sound of confusion, and he continues on. "it's only for a few fans who won some sort of a lucky draw. they get to talk to us and get autographs."

"i didn't enter," you cut in, but still he continues on, as if he was trying to get the words out before he lost his nerve.

"i'm inviting you now. and….and afterwards i'll leave with you and we can go to my place." he swallows. "my real apartment. not this one i share with the band." he lets out a shaky breath. "i don't… i don't usually bring girls there, if you can't tell."

"but…" the wheels in your head are turning slowly, as you try to catch up with what he's saying. "but if i'm there… and it's such a small crowd…the band is going to see that i'm there.

"they will," he confirms quietly.

"they're going to know you invited me. because i'm not a fan."

his lips twitch. "but you like me, no?"

"i do," you concede, absentmindedly. "but i thought you said…the band…"

"i don't think i really care about that anymore." his thumb dips low, brushing over the space under your ribs where his name is temporarily tattooed against your skin. "i…" he hesitates, before his thumb swipes against your skin again, and he takes a deep breath. "i told them about you. just now."

you feel like you're falling – a sense of vertigo making your head spin.

"what did you say?"

"just that…there was a you," he finished, lamely. "that we see each other more, but it's nothing." his hand squeezes yours, a gentle pulse. "nothing yet, anyway."

"i'll take it," you murmur, holding his hand clasped in both of yours and kissing him lightly on his fingertips. his face crumples, his chest caving in on itself with the weight of the tenderness he feels for you in that moment, and he leans in, tilting his head, eyes fluttering closed.

he kisses you like it's a promise, close-lipped and earnest. it feels almost like the two of you are finally on even ground.

—

"what are you trying to do?"

you jump, as the light in the small kitchenette flicks on. dirty dishes pile up in the sink, mugs scattered over the countertop, and the boy leaning against the fridge focuses his gaze on you. his voice is gentle, a mellow sort of sweetness undercut by the deepness of his voice. not in the way jisung's was deep, but a bass to it that gave it authority, one that the boy seldom had to use.

"what do you mean?"

jeno tilts his head. "y/n, do you know why haechan likes to fuck girls after his shows?"

the sweetness on your tongue from haechan's kiss decays into bitterness.

jeno doesn't seem to care. "he gets high off the feeling of the crowd. it's something he doesn't want to let go of, so he finds someone who adores him and makes them prove it." his eyes bore into yours, unblinking. "he doesn't care who he's with, y/n. he just likes the way they sound, screaming his name."

"but why doesn't-" you choke. it feels almost like you're betraying him. "why doesn't he date?"

jeno raises his eyebrows, and you feel pathetic. it’s a long time before he finally answers.

"all the girls are only after the version of him onstage. it's him they like, and haechan's just extending the performance. would you want to date someone who only liked one side of you?"

"but i don't just like that side of haechan," you protest, weakly. even then, you don't know what other sides you're alluding to — was it his gentleness with you? how he always held you after? the one who let his baby sister pick his tattoos?

"y/n?"

a soft voice sounds out from the corridor leading off into the bedrooms. sleep-ridden syllables mumbling out into the still air, calling your name.

"where are you? is everything okay?"

jeno's looking at you with someone like pity in his eyes, the way your body turns towards his voice like an instinct. "haechan isn't even his real name, did you know that?"

he crosses over to you, and places his mug into the sink behind your back. "try not to get too loud," he murmurs. "we're all tired."

and as haechan pulls you into his warm embrace, palms wandering over your skin, you bite your tongue and keep as quiet as possible.

—

haechan's head snaps up as he sees the door swing open again and more girls wander into the bar. there are excited squeals and shouts as they spot the band, he can hear mark's warm laugh and see jisung's wave out of his peripheral vision. behind him, jeno's methodically checking on his drum kit, and haechan can feel his eyes on the back of his neck, as if he knew.

his eyes scan the crowd again, praying he was wrong. but deep down he knows he would recognise your voice anywhere, be able to spot your features even in total darkness.

and right now, you weren't there at all.

his body goes on autopilot, muscle memory kicking in as he plays the chords, does his solos, nods along to the music. the crowd is frenetic, watching the way his eyebrows are drawn together, tonguing at his cheek, his lips downturned — the anger tense in his body making them whisper to themselves, wondering why this was part of his performance today. he keeps his expression slack as he signs autographs, nodding curtly towards fans as they bid him goodbye timidly, intimidated by his stormy gaze.

he doesn't understand why it makes his insides twist, each time he searches the crowd and darts his eyes back to his guitar. maybe he'd just gotten used to seeing you front row at his shows. maybe that was all this was — and you were a bad habit he should have broken.

it's what he tells himself as he lets his hands brush against the girl's as she holds her poster out to him, smiling a close-lipped smile, eyes dragging up and down his body excitedly. he lets her think it's a part of the performance, as he rails her in the bathroom of the bar, his eyes squeezed shut as she moans his name into the sink, trying to ignore the way her body didn't react at all like yours did, that his hands couldn't find purchase on her skin at all, and her voice made him want to crawl out of his skin.

you were a bad habit he should break — at least that's what he tells himself to keep him sane.

taglist: @neochan, @ahncosette, @18shy @kittydollzz @jenoslutie @pussymode @yyfka @cheolctrl @jaeminsballs @mysummerhyuck @strawberrytyong @rosiejunnie @nctzen4eva @haechskies @wickedrei @sundamariis @simpforarmihn @liliansun @lanadreamie @nodisdino @angelwonie @foxydumps @manooffline @moonsmias @skzct7 @iscocohere @ficrecnctskz @smwhrinthehaze (sorry there were q a few i couldn't tag!)

#sams reviews!#[mutuals] - review #jing <3

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teenyweenynightghost · 3 years ago

Text

@superchrystaldrug

“Enjoying the view, beautiful?” X Damiano

Dream View

Y/n looked out the balcony and took in her surroundings. Right in front of their house was a long alley leading to a meadow, hidden deep in the woods. There were trees, plants and flowers everywhere and y/n thought she could never be more in love with a place.

What made it truly special is that it was hers. Hers and Damiano’s.

Their relationship had been long and rocky. To say the least.

With Damiano being an international rockstar and Y/n an achieved medic, work and stress brought them apart more often than they would have liked.

Oh how many nights could y/n think of in which she would cry herself to sleep, praying she hadn’t lost Damiano forever.

All her prayers must have been answered, because just today they had moved into their new house.

It was a large villa in the countryside. They both loved every single thing about it, especially the privacy and intimacy it offered them.

One month ago, when they had come to visit the house for the first time, both of them pointed out how large it was. Because of that single thought on their head, they brushed past it.

Once they went upstairs, the agent mentioned that there were plenty rooms for more than two people, a soft smile on his face. Damiano immediately dragged Y/n to a spare room and hugged her from behind, resting his hands on her stomach.

“Love, I think I want to spend the rest of our lives here.”

They were both grinning like love-struck teenagers when they exited the room, exploring the house once more, with a new-found interest.

The way y/n was currently prompted against the fence made it easy for Damiano to embrace her just as he did one month ago.

“Enjoying the view, beautiful?”

She hummed, her eyes lighting up at his presence.

“What are you thinking about?” He whispered in her ear, leaving countless kisses on her neck.

“You..” she purred, pleased at the contact. Damiano chuckled a little and turned her around, pushing her against the fence.

“Aren’t you always.” He said smiling, brushing a few strands of hair from her face.

“Im bored.” Y/n sighed, looking around the balcony.

A devilish grin appeared on Damiano’s face as he led her back inside.

“You know what we haven’t done yet?”

Y/n raised a quizzical eyebrow and hummed.

“Ikea. Furniture. Chaos. Let’s go babe!” He turned around, still holding her hand so she would follow him, a hand raised in the air as he gestured widely.

“Oh gods have mercy.” Y/n giggled, before she grabbed her purse and a water bottle.

***

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE Damiano! WE are NOT getting a NEON PINK glow in the dark couch!” She exaggerated each of her words, making sure all of them reached her incredibly stubborn boyfriend.

“Fuck yeah we are.” He said calmly, checking the price tag.

“I swear to fucking god, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT?”

“FUCK ON IT!” He screamed out so loudly, the whole store heard.

Y/n closed her eyes tightly and pursed her lips, hoping the ground would open and swallow her whole.

“Please tell me I had a hallucination and you did not scream that out.” She whispered, embarrassment creeping up her cheeks.

“You told me that honesty is key. Are you saying you were wrong?” He asked loud enough for the people around to hear, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“No fucking kisses for you, motherfucker.” She deadpanned, while brushing past a pouty, devastated, mess of a man.

***

“Y/n look!” He whispered excitedly in her ear, pointing to the baby section.

“I can see that, darling.” She answered softly, already grinning like a fool.

They made their way towards a small cradle, which was decorated with white stars and dark blue sheets.

“This one is so beautiful.” Damiano breathed out, brushing a finger along the wooden structure.

“It actually is!” Y/n responded, surprises at the creative decorations.

“Until now I think I’ve only seen clouds and princesses or bows. But not galaxies.” He commented, his gaze now fixated on the lamp above.

“So were you serious about wanting a baby?” Y/n asked reluctantly, afraid to hear his response.

“Are you kidding me? Did we really buy a fucking mansion for two people and two cats?” He faked an emotionless expression, but Y/n could tell he was amused.

“Okay, okay, I just wanted to make sure.” She blushed at the whole conversation and continued to look at the furniture.

“What would you want to call the baby?” He peeped in, magically appearing next to her.

Y/n hummed and thought of an answer, before speaking again.

“Well, If it’s a girl, I really like Calliope, we could call her Alia, and if it’s a boy, I’m kinda obsessed with Sebastian or Matteo.”

“Ew.”

Y/n frowned, confused, and turned to him.

“What?”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I have two names being repeated in my music and you don’t even bring them up. Rude.”

Y/n snorted and gave him a quick kiss.

“Oh, you baby. Of course I like Marlena and Coraline but I don’t want our child to be named after someone who keeps leaving or someone who always cries and has anxiety.” She joked, earning a dazzling laugh from Damiano.

“Fair enough. I really did like Alia though!” He commented, picking up a pair of baby shoes.

“Y/N!!!” He exclaimed, holding the little shoes in his large hands, while jumping up and down.

“THESE BARELY FIT ON MY FINGERS!!” His eyes were full of adoration and longing as he looked at them, a million possibilities speeding around through his mind.

“Can you imagine? Having a little munchkin who looks just like us and is this small?” Y/n giggled, holding one of the shoes delicately.

“Honey I think we should have children with separate people.”

Y/n was shocked at his words and pulled away instantly, insulted at his words as regret flashed over his face.

“WHAT?!” She all but screamed, already feeing a dreadful sensation in her stomach.

“Chill. I meant that we are both so hot out future child will probably anger Venus herself with their looks.” He replied wide eyed, mimicking his version of a goddess.

Y/n bursted out laughing as Damiano joined her, the couple becoming the centre of attention once more.

“We should really be more quiet.” Y/n whispered through giggles, as she pulled Damiano behind a wall.

He nodded and kissed her gently, before pulling away and continuing to look at clothing.

The couple spent hours at the shop, proud with their purchases, and returned home on the dark streets.

They were both seated on a swinging chair, y/n in Damiano’s lap, overlooking the woods.

“We’re gonna make great parents some day.” Damiano whispered, breaking the silence, as his hand wandered over her stomach.

Y/n had never felt happier, her heart filled with love and certainty, as she nodded and nuzzled further into Damiano.

Author’s note: I have baby fever part two (?) or maybe three. Anyway. I think it’s cute👏🥺😩

Taglist: @fuckim-so-gay @ginny-lily @messyhairday-me @cheese-toastie-11 @wannabemarlenabutiscoraline @simp-per-ethan @maneskinrollercoaster @juststalking @superchrystaldrug @immrbrightsideeee @shehaddreamstoo

#maneskin #damiano david #måneskin #damiano x reader #baby fever #fluff

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lovely-ateez · 3 years ago

Text

Broken Strings~

ꕥPosted: 7/20/21

ꕥGenre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, College!au, Rockstar!au

ꕥPairing: Fem!Reader x Rockstar!Yunho

ꕥWord Count: 10k+

ꕥWarnings (please read all!!): Yunho’s ex is an absolute asshat, death threats towards both Yunho and reader, mention of knives used as weapons, San is a bisexual king (happy late pride month), unprotected pool sex/public sex (no one is around but I guess it still counts), masturbation (f), foul language, mentions of alcohol intake, reader is mentioned to have dark brown eyes several times which you can just ignore if you have different colored eyes ofc, mentions of a restraining order against an ex, please let me know if I missed something!!

ꕥTag List: @cappujinho @bobateastay @nevieatiny

ꕥA/N: The song lyrics are ones that I wrote myself specifically for this au and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous about posting it. I know there isn’t any tune or anything, but hopefully it sounds like a real song someone might sing. Also I’m not writing angst for a while after this holy shit I’ve been crying too much over this I’m emotional okay

“Date night! Date night! Date night!” I grabbed my boyfriend’s arm, bouncing on my toes.

Yunho raised a hand to cover his ear, scrunching his face, “Babe, I love you, but I think you’ve deafened me.”

I pouted at his tone and crossed my arms, “You’re such a grump.”

“Oh whatever.” He smiled, “You ready?”

I smiled at him and nodded.

Ever since his band, Sidekick Heart, began to pick up traction, he had less free time and our full-day dates once a week soon became date nights every few weeks. Most of his time was spent writing songs, producing them, and practicing endlessly. The fact that he had a tour coming up soon just meant he had even less spare time. I was happy for him, of course, but I couldn’t hide my disappointment that he was leaving.

In middle school, he and three of his friends formed a band for fun, which they kept with all throughout high school. They got good, really good and almost right after they graduated they were signed by a label. Now, three years later, they’d already released two albums and one EP and earned enough money to make a living, which was why Yunho dropped out of college a month ago. Since he had steady career path, he saw no reason to continue and decided to focus on music. He still visited me at college whenever he got the chance, but his visits were becoming more and more sporadic.

We started dating freshman year of college. We had our difficulties as most couples do, but everyday I thanked the stars for pairing us together. I met him on the first day of French class, a day I know I could never forget, no matter how how our future played out.

I sat my backpack on the table in front of me, looking around the empty classroom. I was ten minutes early, so I wasn’t surprised about the lack of students. It was a bit unlikely for me to be so early, but I wasn’t able to sleep the night before and so I had extra time to get ready. With nothing else to do, I took out my phone, reading some missed text messages.

I heard the door open and my head tilted upwards, meeting eyes with a fluffy-haired brunet. He shyly smiled at me and I returned the gesture. The man took a seat in the front row across from me, only a few chairs in between us. I found it cute that he liked to sit in the front of the classroom, too. Very few people did. He turned away from me to place his backpack on the floor and take out a few books. I took the opportunity to look at him. He was attractive, for sure. His short sleeved solid black shirt followed his movements, tattoos peaking through his top. The shirt itself tucked was into ripped jeans, his black shoes matching the outfit, along with various accoutrements. His look was uncommon for college students, most just wore sweatpants with with a casual shirt. I thanked myself for dressing nice that day.

I tilted my head to get a better look at his side profile. He was so handsome that I seemed to forget I was staring. I couldn’t help but get caught up in him, not realizing that I was no longer being subtle.

He spoke without moving to face me, “You’re pretty cute, too.”

“I-I what?” My eyes widened, realizing I’d been caught.

He turned, a charming smile on his face, “You aren’t exactly discreet.”

I took a breath, trying to form a coherent sentence, “Well...can you blame me?”

He pursed his lips, trying to hide a smile, “I appreciate the compliment. What’s your name?”

I hesitated before answering him, which brought a full smile to his face. He moved closer to me before holding out his hand for me to shake. I grabbed his hand and shook it, trying to keep my hands steady. His hand was soft, clearly he took care of himself.

“I’m Yunho.”

I smiled, observing the way he lit up as he turned my hand, placing a delicate kiss on my skin. I felt my face heat up and averted my eyes. Yunho chuckled as he released my hand. Both of us looked up at the sound of the door opening, a group of students entered, followed by a lady who I presumed to be the teacher.

Yunho looked at me, “Meet me after class?”

I nodded, biting my lip as I felt excitement build in my stomach, wanting nothing more than for class to end as soon as possible.

The instant the teacher ended her lecture she left with the rest of the students, who were talking among themselves. My eyes flickered to Yunho to find him looking back at me, his backpack now thrown over his shoulders.

“You have any classes after this?” He asked in a nonchalant manner. Later he confessed to me that he was far more nervous than he appeared, claiming that he fell in love with me at first sight.

I finished placing my notebook in my bag, zipping it up and putting the straps over my arms, “Yeah, unfortunately. I’ve got World Politics in ten minutes.”

“Aww damn. I was hoping we could grab some food.” He reached into his pants’ pocket, pulling out his phone, “Maybe I could get your number instead and we could meet up later?” He wasn’t pushy or demanding, simply asking.

I nodded quickly, “I’d like that, Yunho.”

He suddenly became more shy, the tips of his ears dusting a beautiful shade of pink, “I like the way you say my name.”

I giggled, trying to hide my own shyness. I took his phone and entered my number, really hoping that he would text me. As if he read my mind, he confirmed what I was thinking.

“I’ll text you,” He looked at me with sparkling eyes before shaking his head, like he was pulled back to reality, “Oh uh...you should probably get to class.“ He raised a hand, somewhat awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

“Yeah I probably should. I’ll see you around?”

He smiled, “I’ll see ya.”

It wasn’t long before he texted me, and it made my heart flutter that he kept his word. A day later we met up, grabbing ice cream and getting to know each other. He was a dance major and had to practically beg his parents to let him pursue dance. In return they said he had to repay them with getting straight A’s. He had one younger brother who was possibly the biggest baseball fan to ever exist, he roomed with three men he’d been friends with since kindergarten, and he absolutely adored my brown eyes.

“They’re just beautiful.” Yunho gushed, “Both times I’ve seen you they just sparkle and shine like they’ve got their own little galaxies in them. I’ve never seen anyone with such genuine, kind eyes.”

I let out a girly laugh at the compliment and covered my mouth with a hand, “You’re really trying to flatter me, aren’t you?”

“Depends. Is it working?” He laughed as he propped his head on one of his hands, leaning closer to me in the booth we were sitting in. We’d finished our ice cream long ago, now shamelessly flirting and getting lost in each other.

“It might be.”

“Well I do mean it. I’m not only trying to flatter you.”

The ringing of his phone caught our attention. He smiled apologetically and reached for the device. He sighed, reading the contact name and looking back up at me.

“I’m sorry I’ve gotta take this. It’s one of my roommates and it’s entirely possible they’ve set the house on fire.”

I laughed, “It’s okay, go ahead.”

Yunho excused himself as he answered the call, walking outside. I took a look around the shop we were in, smiling at all the decorations when I noticed a woman sitting alone, eating ice cream and staring at me. Her eyes were such an ice blue that they made her intimidating, to say the least. I wasn’t too surprised, I’d dressed nice and all throughout the day I’d been getting looks. Taking it as a compliment I smiled at her and waited for Yunho to return.

“So good news,” He started as he sat back down in the booth, running a hand through his hair, which was way more attractive than it should’ve been, “They haven’t burnt down the apartment, but San—he’s one of my roommates—his car ran out of gas a few miles away from here so I’ve gotta go help him. Can I drive you back to your own apartment first?”

“Oh no, I don’t want to worry you.” I waved a hand, “I can have a friend pick me up.”

He nodded, “If you’re more comfortable with that, sure, but I’d rather drive you home, if that’s okay.”

I nodded, walking with him as he guided me out to his car. We had our first kiss when he dropped me off, leaving me with the promise of another date, and he delivered. Time and time again he proved he truly cared about me, which inevitably led to a relationship.

We heard a loud crashing in the basement of the house and Yunho let out a frustrated groan, “Oh god it’s happening again.”

He walked over to the basement door, opening it and sighing at the loud yells emitting from below.

“What is it this time?” Yunho shouted.

Wooyoung’s voice rung out, “San won’t let me use the controller!”

The man in front of me placed a hand over his eyes, over the situation entirely, “You’re still fighting over that game?”

“Crash Bandicoot waits for no man!”

“San let him have the controller or I’ll come down there and I’ll beat both of your asses!” Yunho shut the door, giving me a tired smile and walking back to me, “You’d think we would’ve outgrown this stage by now. I’d fire them both and hire a new bassist and drummer if I could.”

“Okay that’s an absolute lie, and you say that like you’re any better. I saw you arguing with Seonghwa over the last bag of chips yesterday.”

He pointed a finger at me, not trying to hide the smile on his face, “Okay that was absolutely valid. I bought those and they were mine.”

I smirked. “My point still stands.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, changing the subject, “How about after our date I sing you a couple of our new songs?” He leaned closer, his lips barely grazing my ear, “I wrote a few about you.”

I pulled back from him, feeling warmth spread in my chest. “Really? You did?”

Yunho wrapped an arm around my waist, “How could I not? You’re always my inspiration.”

I let out a string of incoherent gibberish which prompted the most adorable eye smiles from my boyfriend. I felt too honored to put my emotions into words.

“Go on.” Yunho motioned to the front door, “Grab your purse and head out to my car. I’ll let the guys know we’re going and I’ll meet you outside.”

I gave him a salute, “You got it cap’n!”

His eyes warmed, “God, I love you.”

“I know!” I teased before I grabbed my purse and skipped out of the house. The sun would be setting soon and I admired the several hues that were painted within the sky. I sat on the hood of his car, swinging my feet as I saw him walk out of the house.

“So where exactly are we going?” I tilted my head, looking forward to his response.

“Well I’ve got a couple ideas.” He held up his long fingers and counted off on them, “We could go bowling, or we could have a late night picnic, or maybe...” He moved closer, placing his hands on either side of me with a mischievous grin, “We could go swimming.”

My face lit up, “I haven’t been swimming in forever!”

“I know, that’s why I recommended it.” He laughed, “Let’s break into the swimming pool downtown. It’s definitely closed by now so we can be alone.”

I raised my brows at his words, a smile widening on my face, “Don’t we need to bring swimsuits, though?”

Yunho grinned at me and moved a hand to ruffle my hair, “Nope. We’re going without ‘em.” He lifted me off his car, “Hop in, babe.”

We approached the fence with our hands interlocked, a new message greeting us. A red and black sign with the words ‘No Trespassing’ was attached haphazardly to one of the metal wires looped through the fence surrounding the pool.

Yunho tsked, “Aw that’s cute. Like that’s gonna keep us out. This is basically our pool anyways.”

I laughed, both of us knowing full well there was no method of security beyond the sign and fence. The pool had never installed security cameras and after word spread that the owner had a fear of advancing technology, we had no worry of being caught.

He cupped his hands, holding them out for me to step on. I placed my foot on his hands as he lifted me up, helping me scale the fence. I stepped back, feeling a thrill as Yunho jumped over. It was probably the fourth or fifth time we’d done this, but each time was just as exciting. We walked over to the edge of the pool, its light blue water and the dark blue of the sunset opposing one another but making a beautiful visual.

“Alright, off we go.” Yunho’s fingers danced to the hem of my shirt, then pulling it off and ridding me of the layer of clothing. He pressed several kisses to the exposed skin, making me shiver.

Yunho then pulled back from me, slowly removing his shirt and giving me a teasing look when he caught me staring at his abs, “I look good, don’t I?”

“Shut up,” I laughed, lightly slapping his strong, tattooed arm before removing my skirt, enjoying the way my boyfriend’s eyes devoured me. I returned the action when I saw him remove his jeans, something he was clearly enjoying as well.

I turned back to the pool only to be thrown over Yunho’s shoulders. He let out a string of laughs as I struggled to get down, fearing that he would throw me into the water.

“If you throw me into the pool I’ll kill you!” I laughed, squirming on his shoulders.

“No...I would never do something like that.” I wasn’t even facing him, but I could hear the smile in his voice, which was my only indication that he was about to throw me into pool.

Before I could try to make any sort of escape, he tossed me into the water. It was cold, but less cold than I expected it to be. I coughed up a bit of water as I resurfaced and when I opened my eyes I squinted at Yunho, annoyed at how attractive he looked with the evil smirk on his face.

“You’re a jerk.” I said with no venom behind my words.

“Yeah, yeah. Brace yourself I’m coming in.”

I barely had time to move before he jumped in, his legs tucked to his chest. “Cannonball!”

I moved my hands in front of my face to block the wave of water coming my way, not feeling any surprise about my boyfriend’s childish behavior. When he resurfaced he faced me with a smile, wading towards me, embracing me in his arms, and wrapping my legs around his waist. He was so tall that he could reach the bottom of the pool without having to swim, unlike me, where I was no near reaching the bottom and needed to swim in place. With a satisfied hum he pressed several wet kisses to my neck.

“I love you,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by my skin.

“I love you too, babe.” I hesitated before I said my next words, still overwhelmed at how strong my feelings were for him, “You’re the love of my life.”

He pulled back with a bright smile on his face, his eyes shining almost as if he was tearing up, “I knew you were the love of my life the moment I saw you. And you’re all mine.” Yunho said before he placed a delicate kiss to my lips.

“All yours, babe.”

His long fingers danced along my sides, grabbing at my hips as he began to attack my chest with kisses. I giggled as the feeling of his stubble tickled my skin.

“You know, you really ‘oughta shave before you get a full beard.”

“Why? Are you saying I wouldn’t look good with one?”

I cupped his face, “You’d look amazing with one, but I thought you didn’t like beards, babe?”

“Hate ‘em.” Yunho’s laugh echoed around us, “Really weird that men can grow them in the first place. But anyways...”

His hands made quick work of my bra, letting it sink to the bottom of the pool. I opened my mouth to scold him but before I could his mouth latched to my right nipple, sucking and nipping on it in a way that made my hands seek out his hair and tug harshly at his locks. Letting out a growl, Yunho placed one hand on the the pool wall for balance and the other on my back, drawing abstract shapes there.

Yunho moved to my other nipple, giving it the same treatment and smiling when he heard my moans. In a flash he removed his hand from my back and pressed me against the pool wall, his hand now traveling to my panties.

As he removed the final item of clothing he ran a finger over my clit, giggling to himself. I gave him a look and he clarified, “Babe, you’re wet enough to fill an entire swimming pool.”

I groaned, pressing my head into his chest, “You make that same god awful joke every time we come here.”

“And as such I couldn’t let tradition die.”

“Shut up and fuck me.” I laughed, promptly helping him out of his boxers.

He continued to tease me after, switching between playing with my clit and stretching me out with his long fingers. By the time he finally gave in, I was a whimpering, pathetic mess, begging for more.

As he aligned with my walls he looked at me with delicate eyes, “Ready, little flower?”

I nodded quickly, chanting ‘yes’ over and over. Yunho once again placed a hand on the wall and hooked one of my legs over his waist, allowing him to thrust deeper inside me. He held my hand with his free one, a simple action that always melted my heart. Despite how long we’d been together, I would always get overwhelmed by him so easily. Everything about him exuded such a strong aura that sometimes just the smallest kiss would leave me breathless. The first time we were intimate he took his hand in mine and assured me he would be gentle, and every time since he’s held my hand. It wouldn’t feel right without our hands together.

“Shit—it’s been way too long since we’ve done this.” I said as he snapped his hips into mine, quickly repeating the action.

“God I know.” He let out a pained groan at the thought of it, “Four months is gonna be fucking awful without you.”

“Guess we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got now.”

“Guess we will.”

The sounds of water splashing and the echos of our moans, a symphony I had become so familiar with, was gradually reaching its crescendo. It was getting harder to keep my eyes open but I forced them to be, needed to memorize everything about this moment. The sweat dripping down Yunho’s forehead, the tattooed muscles he was flexing, the sounds and praise he was emitting, and pleasure we were both feeling--I wouldn’t see nor feel this for the next four months.

A particular snap of his hips had me seeing stars and I called out to him, letting him know I was close. Within minutes, both of us were panting and reeling from our highs. Yunho pressed his nose against mine and both of us closed our eyes, enjoying each other’s presence.

“How come every time we come here it ends in sex?” I giggled.

He blinked and moved a strand of wet hair out of my face, “Because you’re hot and barely wearing any clothes and no one’s around.”

I blushed at his compliment, “I mean like I’m not complaining or anything.”

A cocky smile formed on Yunho’s face, “Well it certainly didn’t sound like you were a moment ago.”

“Yunho!”

The man laughed, lifting me up and spinning me around in the pool before cradling me in his arms.

“I hate to say it, but we do need to head back. The world awaits for us, I’m afraid.”

I sighed, pressing into his chest, “I’m gonna miss you.”

He stilled as he pulled me closer, “I’m gonna miss you, too. You don’t have to miss me yet, though.”

“I know.” I swallowed, wishing I had something more to say.

“Come on, then.” Yunho gave me a quick kiss, “Let’s head back.”

Yunho held the front door open for me, giving me a gentle slap on my ass when I walked through. I turned around and gave him a playfully annoyed look, which he only laughed at.

As we walked towards the living room, the sound of a random sitcom filled our ears. Six heads turned our way after hearing our footsteps. Seonghwa was resting his head against his long-time girlfriend. She was a sweet girl and complimented him more than any woman I’d seen him with. They really were soulmates, if they ever existed.

San was sitting holding hands with a man he’d been interested in for awhile. I’d often see him flirting with various men and women, but he never went any further than that, too afraid of commitment. This man; however, seemed to breaking through San’s walls. I really hoped they would work out, San deserved someone as kind as him.

Wooyoung sat across from the them, who acknowledged us first.

“Hey guys. Have fun?” Wooyoung asked, smiling at my soaked hair. He had his arm around a woman I’d never seen before and I was certain that none of us would ever see her again. He had the reputation of a playboy, and every poor woman thought they’d be the one exception, the one to make him stay. I’m sure the allure of being a drummer in a band was part of his appeal, too. Maybe one day, like San, he’d settle down.

The woman became visibly upset when Wooyoung looked me with a teasing glance. Feeling sympathy for her, I decided to do my best to calm her nerves.

I spoke for us, linking hands with my boyfriend. “Yeah, we did. I think we’re gonna go clean up though.” I looked at the woman, “I’m y/n, by the way. I’m Yunho’s girlfriend.”

She didn’t even try to hide the relief on her face. “Oh! I’m Solar. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah,” Wooyoung started, “Best girlfriend he’s ever had. Much better for him than Lucy.”

Yunho glared at the man, “Thought we agreed not to bring her up?”

Lucy, the woman Yunho dated before me, was arguably the scariest person I’d ever heard about. They dated for roughly three months before she became obsessive, to the point where Yunho had to get a restraining order against her. She threatened to hurt all of Yunho’s friends and family, all because she wanted Yunho all to herself. That was about all Yunho ever told me about her. Not that I complained. I didn’t exactly want to discuss his exes, even more so when they were that crazy.

I never told him, but I knew I saw her the first date we went on. I could see the way her piercing, ice eyes saw through me. I had no doubt it was her. I just hope I’d never see her again. Maybe now that she saw he was taken she’d leave us alone. There was an uncomfortable silence following, none of us knowing what to say until San spoke.

“You look like a wet dog, Yunho.” San joked, prompting laughter from a few of us, which seemed like more of a noise of relief rather than one of actual humor.

“Yeah, yeah.” My boyfriend relaxed his shoulders, “I think we’re gonna head in for the night so don’t make too much noise.” Waving them goodbye he caught up with me, placing a hand around my waist.

“Shower with me, doll.”

I placed a hand on his chest, “I would love to.”

I came out of the shower wearing my favorite large shirt of Yunho’s, drying my wet hair with a towel. The smell of chlorine had gone away for the most part; whatever chemicals the owner put in that pool always made the smell harder to get rid of. Only a small price to pay, I figured.

My boyfriend, who was much quicker than I was, looked up from his phone as he was splayed out across his bed. His tired eyes smiled at me while motioning me over. Yunho’s own hair was still drying and with his bare face and crooked smile, he was as handsome as he could ever be.

“Hey there.”

“Hey, sweetheart.” He reached an arm out to me, pulling me against him when I took his hand, “How ya feeling?”

“Tired.” I hummed, sleepily smiling against his neck.

“Too tired to listen to the song I wrote for you?”

“No! Not at all.”

Yunho chuckled, slowly brushing my hair aside and turning his head to look at me. As he had countless times, he took a breath before he turned to me, beginning to sing.

“You give me fireworks

I’ll give you the kindest words, my dear

Your love caught me

The moment I met your eyes

And how could I not fall?

Your heart bared, no disguise”

I fought to stay awake although his melodic voice seemed to be lulling me to sleep. I felt myself losing consciousness, but managed to catch the last few lyrics he sang to me.

“Now I sunbathe in the daybreak

Half asleep, half awake

Writing this song

As I hope I’ll dream of you”

Yunho brushed his fingertips brush against my face before he spoke, “Goodnight, flower.”

I muttered some form of a “goodnight” before I felt sleep take over me, nuzzling happily against my boyfriend.

I woke up in a panic, unsure why my heart was beating so fast until I looked at the clock. Eleven in the morning. I was an hour later than I should’ve been at my job. It seemed that even unconscious my body knew I was late.

“Oh shit I’m gonna be late for work!” I spoke with wide eyes.

Jumping from Yunho’s bed I stripped myself of his shirt and quickly threw my clothes on. The body that laid beside me stirred, moving the covers aside.

“Are you leaving?” He asked sleepily, his face puffy from sleep and an adorable pout on his lips.

I frowned, “Yeah. I’m sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together, babe.”

He shook his head, “Don’t worry about it. Both of us slept in.”

I tied my hair back, sighing. I was so caught up in my thoughts I almost missed Yunho’s question.

“Sorry what was that?”

He smiled, “You’re coming to our going away party tomorrow, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I moved back to the bed and hugged him, feeling my heart sink. I was proud of him, I really was, yet couldn’t help but feel sad that I wouldn’t see him for so long.

This was the longest tour they’d ever gone on and we’d never been apart from each other that long before. I trusted him and I was confident in our relationship, but realistically, all members of Sidekick Heart were attractive young men and a good portion of their fans were female. I was far more concerned about the female audience doing something than I was about Yunho making a move on another woman.

With one last squeeze of his shoulders I pulled back, goodbyes beginning to fall from my lips before Yunho pulled me back.

“I need a goodbye kiss.”

I pressed my lips together with a smile, gladly indulging him. Giving him one last kiss against the lips, I bid him farewell until the following day.

“So how was work?” My roommate asked as I walked in the house, propping her feet up on our couch and tossing a kernel of corn into her mouth, the lighting of the TV illuminating her blanket-covered body.

I sighed, sitting down on the floor next to her, “Other than being an hour and a half late and missing an important meeting I think it went okay. I’m just glad the day’s over.” Rubbing a hand over my face I turned to her, “What about you? How was your day?”

“Pretty damn good actually.” She smiled, removing the blanket and showing me the new ink on her upper arm. It was an assortment of flowers and matched her bubbly personality perfectly. They were now the fifth adornment on her beautiful dark skin, each one of them tempting me more and more to get a few of my own.

“Another one already, Tiff?”

“Listen, you’ll know how addicting they get as soon as you get your first.”

“You sound so confident that I will.”

“Oh I know you will. You’re dating a rockstar, after all. Not to mention he’s the goddamn lead singer and has tattoos of his own.”

“Shut up.” I giggled, “Speaking of, are you coming to the farewell party tomorrow?”

“I plan on it, but I’ll probably be there a couple hours late. My dad’s flying into town for the weekend so I plan on visiting first. I’m definitely coming though.”

I hummed, “Yeah, don’t worry too much about it. We all know it’ll go till sunrise anyway.”

She let out a loud laugh, likely remembering the last party of theirs we went to where she ended up more drunk than I’d ever seen her. She claims she remembers flashes of the night; playing strip beer pong and being dared to steal one of the neighbor’s bushes—which, after much convincing from those who were sober, she decided against it—but didn’t recall half of the hilarious memories of her the rest of us did. Personally, my favorite was watching her hold a tomato soup can and cry over the fact that it could never have children.

Tiff let out a yawn as she stretched her arms above her head, turning in my direction. Her words were muffled by her yawn as she spoke, “Imma go to bed now. You good before I go?”

I smiled at her, “Yeah I’m good. I won’t stay up too much longer, just need to go through my nightly routine of looking at the stars, ya know, the usual.”

She nodded, wrapping the blanket around her and heading to her bedroom, “Sleep well, babe. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

“Back at ya.”

It was a habit of mine, gazing at the night sky before sleeping. It gave me comfort knowing that out there, somewhere, there was something else out there with me. Almost like I wasn’t going through everything alone.

I set my purse down when I reached our kitchen, reaching for a tea pot and tea bags, brainlessly brewing my favorite tea as I thought of what Yunho might be doing right now. It was probably most likely that he was practicing for their tours, but I could only hope he was getting a little bit of rest.

I stepped out onto our porch to look at the stars with a cup of tea in my hands, the night sky twinkling with all the stars it could offer. A slight breeze rustled my hair and I closed my eyes, thankful for the pleasant weather. I heard a sudden snap of a branch and my eyes quickly opened as I searched out property for any sign of an aggressive animal. My eyes finally landed on a human-like figure. Feeling adrenaline run though me, I decided to confront whoever or whatever it was.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” I spoke, my voice loud but not quite a yell.

The figure took off it’s hood to show their face, and I saw a familiar pair of ice blue eyes, though I hadn’t seen them in years, “I’m here to see you, of course.”

My brain quickly connected her to the woman I hoped I’d never see again.

Lucy.

“Well I don’t want to see you. Leave.”

She pressed a hand to her chest, feigning offense, “But I came all this way! Just to...say hello.”

I took a step towards her, hoping that if I appeared confrontational she would leave me alone. “I don’t know who you are, now please leave. I’m not going to say it again.”

“Oh, you poor girl. You really think you have the upper hand?” She pulled out a knife, and walked towards me at impressive speed, pointing the weapon at my throat. “I know you’ve been seeing Yunho. I. Don’t. Like. That.” She emphasized every word of the last sentence, anger woven within her voice.

I wanted to fight back. Everything in me was screaming to fight back, but I knew I had no chance. I had no idea what she was capable of, and I didn’t dare to find out.

“I dated him first and he’s still mine. You’re going to break up with him, you hear me?” She screamed in my ear, the sound shaking me to my core, “I never want to see you near him again.” She grabbed my jaw harshly, forcing my eyes to lock with hers. “I bet he doesn’t even love you.”

My eyes watered. I knew she was wrong, but with the adrenaline coursing through my veins and the harshness of her words I began to doubt myself.

Her grip tightened and I let out a yelp, “He loves me and I love him. He’s always loved me, not you. Why would he ever love a thing like you?”

She then threw me to the ground, towering over me, “Break up with him. Make him hate you. If you don’t,” She squatted down next to me, once more pointing the knife at my throat, “I’ll kill him myself and make you watch. Then,” She cocked her head, a crazed smile plastered on her face, “I’ll kill you. If I can’t have him, no one can.” She stood, smirking at me, “And you know I will.”

She kicked me in the stomach, watching as I crawled into myself, groaning from the pain. I closed my eyes, hoping she wouldn’t hurt me any more than she already had.

“I’ll be watching you at the party tomorrow. Do it then. Break his heart. I’ll kill him then and there if you don’t.” She looked down at me and scoffed, “And I’ll be bringing friends to make sure the job gets done.”

I carefully opened my eyes to see her stepping over me, walking back into the darkness from which she came. I scrambled back into my house, hyperventilating from the interaction I just had.

I spent the night crying, not able to sleep even for a minute. I tried to think rationally, but there were just too many variables. How many ‘friends’ was she bringing? Would she really kill Yunho in front of everyone? Where would she be watching me from? Is she watching me now?

I could text or call Yunho to let him know, but where would we go from there? He’d want to meet me and she’d kill him instantly. Right?

“Maybe I could pull him aside at the party and warn him?” I murmured to myself, “No, she could probably see that. Maybe there’s people actually at the party who are looking out for us, too.” I covered my face with my hands and fell back into my pillows, weeping as I knew I had to break up with the love of my life.

Choosing to wear a yellow dress honestly couldn’t have been more ironic. Yellow was supposed to be a happy color. A color of hope and yearning, innocence and warm days full of laughter. It was the complete antithesis of how I felt and what I knew I had to do. Even worse, the weather was perfect. It was sunny, but not so much to make it unbearable outside. Everything about today made my insides twist.

I took a breath at the door of Yunho’s house, bracing myself for what I had to do. Knocking a few times I heard a commotion inside before the man I came to see opened the door. His smile had never been bigger.

“Baby!” He cheered, pulling me into a bear hug and ruffling my styled hair, “I’m so excited you’re here!”

He looks so ecstatic. And I have to break him.

The thought crushed me and brought tears to my eyes, but I couldn’t let him die. I knew she was serious, I didn’t doubt that for a moment. I grabbed Yunho’s arm, pulling him outside and away from everyone in the house.

I looked at the ground as I felt my lips begin to quiver, “I’m sorry. I just need to get this over with.”

Yunho bent down to meet my eyes, “Hey, hey. What’s going on sweetheart?” His voice was gentle, one of his hands coming to rub the tears from my face, “I’m here for you, whatever it is.”

I looked down, unable to look him in the eyes. I hated myself more than I’d ever hated anyone. “I don’t love you, Yunho.” My hands began to shake beyond my control, my own body knowing I was making a mistake.

“W-what?” Yunho’s voice cracked. A moment of silence passed before he let out a hollow laugh, “Baby, you don’t mean that-”

I looked up at him and immediately wished I hadn’t. Tears were welling in his eyes, his own hands beginning to shake.

“I said I don’t love you Yunho!” I said louder than I intended, “Not anymore. I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry.”

He took a step back and I noticed his hands clenching, something he always did to keep himself from crying.

“If that’s what you want,” Tears fell from his eyes before he finished his sentence, “Then I’ll support your decision.” He looked to the side, not knowing what else to say.

I wanted nothing more than to throw myself in his arms and explain everything, tell him that I’ve never stopped loving him, not even for a second, but I couldn’t. Instead, I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and looked at him one last time. He was so fucking handsome, so goddamn kind, and here I was doing this to him. Maybe he did deserve someone better.

“Good luck with your tour, Yunho. I know you’ll be fantastic.”

I turned and walked away from him quickly, leaving the house and ignoring the stare I could feel on me. I ran across the yard to my car, starting the engine and leaning my head against the steering wheel. I felt myself lose all oxygen in my body, the only option left to take large gasps of air. My vision was so clouded by tears I couldn’t even see anymore. I’d just lost myself along with my other half. I’d never felt as empty as I did in that moment.

Just then I heard a knocking on my window. I half-hardheartedly lifted my head and felt my heart lurch. Yunho was standing outside my car, eyes red and puffy, looking at me like I was the last person he’d ever see. I opened my car without thinking, my breathing still as uneven as before.

Yunho spoke, his voice coarse and distant, “I’m not asking you to change your mind, but I need you to know that I have always loved you and I always will. That will never change.”

I wiped the snot from my nose but didn’t bother to try and fix the mascara I knew was streaming down my face. I knew I had to look horrible, but he still held so much love for me that it was easy to see in his eyes. I fought myself to not reply, knowing that if I’d open my mouth all I’d say was ‘I love you’ over and over again.

“Is it too out of line to ask for a last hug?” He smiled sadly as more tears poured from his eyes.

I shook my head, running into his arms and embracing him. I felt like I made a mistake the moment I did because I could smell him. He was wearing the cologne I bought him for his birthday. His warm, sturdy chest...everything about him felt like home.

“Goodbye, Yunho.”

I arrived at home alone, tears still stinging my eyes. Tiff was nowhere to be found and I couldn’t decide if I was thankful or sad for the fact that she wasn’t there. I barely made it out to our porch before collapsing once again, finding it harder and harder to breathe. I didn’t know how long I was sitting there, it could’ve been one hour or three, but given the setting sun it looked like it was the latter. Once more I heard a noise outside our home, and once more the female figure appeared before me.

“You did good,” Lucy said, twirling her knife in her hands, “Dare I say I’m proud of you.”

“I don’t ever want to see you here again.” I cried, “I did what you want now get the fuck away from me.”

“My, my. You have quite the mouth on you, don’t you?” She tsked, “But you did as I asked, so I might as well comply. Don’t; however, think that you can go crawling back to Yunho and tell him about this. I’ll keep watching you and if you decide to do just that...I’ll follow through with my promise.”

I kept my eyes on the ground, convinced that if I looked up at her I’d attempt to rip the hair out of her head. No anger I had ever felt before could surmount to the rage I was feeling.

“Nonetheless, it was a pleasure doing business with you, miss.”

As soon as she came, she was gone. When I finally let myself look up, I could no longer see her, only darkness. Once again, I was alone.

Six months had passed since I broke up with Yunho and today officially made the third new date I’d went on. All of them were absolutely horrible. It wasn’t even that the guys were mean or rude or weren’t attractive, they just weren’t him.

Why am I even trying to move on?

I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked heavy, the bags under my eyes ever prominent. I couldn’t fool myself. I’d never be able to be with another man again. I forced myself to hold back tears and reached back to untie my hair, preparing to take a bath in hopes that it would take my mind off of things.

I began to run the warm water as I reached for several candles, lighting them and placing them around the room, trying to forget the entire day altogether. As I waited for the tub to fill I grabbed my phone, opening Instagram for no other reason than to have something to do. Although Yunho and I broke up, I still followed their band account, as well as their individual accounts. Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung were still my friends, after all. Yunho was the only exception. Both of us unfollowed each other early on just because it was too painful. I didn’t hold it against him and hoped he didn’t hold it against me either.

Regardless, my eyes found the most recent post on Sidekick Heart’s account. All four members were shirtless, their hair dripping wet with goofy smiles plastered on their faces. They were standing by a pool, the same one Yunho and I would often break into. I noticed Yunho first, how could I not? His smile wasn’t as wide as the other’s, his eyes a bit colder, but he looked happy all the same. He looked good. Really, really good. He was always fit while we were dating, but he gained more muscle since I last saw him and it didn’t go unnoticed by their fans, either. I clicked the comment section against my better judgement, knowing what I was going to see before I even did so.

“Yunho looks like a fucking goddd”

“So Yunho’s still single right??”

“Yunhooo hmu I beg you”

“Jesus Christ Yunho break me please”

A surge of jealousy rushed through me. I hated when girls said those things when we were together, but now that we were apart it made it even worse. I had no right to be jealous, and that was the worst part.

The water reached my leg that was resting on the side of the tub and I scrambled to turn off the faucet. Doing my best to push the images from my mind I placed my phone aside and stripped from my clothes, settling in the water. I sighed as some water fell out of the side of the tub. It wasn’t a terrible thing to happen, but it seemed to just be another thing to go wrong.

My eyes wandered back to my phone, Instagram still open and the picture I was looking at earlier still on display. He was so fucking hot and seeing that he was standing next to that pool—our pool—made my brain short circuit. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from taking me back to the last night we broke in, the way we teased each other and how it inevitably led to sex. It seemed I had no control over my body as my dominant hand slipped between my legs.

But as much as I wanted it to be, it wasn’t the same. My fingers weren’t as long or slender as his and just nothing about our touches were the same, but the image of him just made my hormones rage. Every ounce of me craved him.

My fingers swirled around my clit, a bundle of pleasure shooting through me at the action. I closed my eyes, letting my body take over and repeat the motions and much as I fought not to, my brain kept replaying scenes of two of us again, and again, and again.

“Such a good girl, aren’t you?” Yunho spoke as I sunk down on his dick, barely finding the energy to lift myself up again even though the noises he made were like shots of espresso.

“Aww, is my baby getting tired?” He cooed, jerking his hips into mine.

“It’s not fair!” I whined, “I’m not good at this and you know it.”

“But we wouldn’t be a good couple if we didn’t encourage each other to work hard, right? Up you go, flower.”

I whimpered and pouted, but still obeyed him. Taking pity on me, Yunho grabbed my waist and lifted me, relaxing his grip as I moved downward. I made a noise that wasn’t understood by Yunho, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

“What was that?”

“Please. More. I need you so bad.” I begged.

Yunho laughed, “I really do have you wrapped around my finger, don’t I?”

I nodded before remembering that he’d probably prefer a verbal answer, “Yes. I’m w-wrapped around your finger.”

He let out a noise of satisfaction before flipping us over into a position so that he would have full control. I grabbed the bedsheets roughly, so much in my own world that I didn’t hear Yunho’s words.

“What was that?” I let out with a series of mewls.

“You’ve got me wrapped around your finger, too, you know? I don’t go an hour without thinking about you anymore. I can’t even have a single conversation without bringing you up. Anytime someone says your name my heart beats out of my damn chest. You’re the only woman for me.”

My legs shook as my high approached, barely able to breathe at it’s intensity. It took me a minute before I could even remember where I was. As I came to my senses, I felt tears biting at my eyes and this time I didn’t bother to hold them back. I watched as they streamed down my face and joined the now-cold water surrounding me. I brought my hands up to cover my eyes, glad Tiff wasn’t home to hear my wailing. She’d been good about staying with me since the breakup, but tonight she just wasn’t here. The hole in my heart felt even deeper now. I wondered if he found someone, if he was happy now. Hell, maybe it was his ex. The thought tore my heart out and ripped it in two. I wanted to be happy for him if it was true, but I just couldn’t be. I was still too selfish. I still wanted him to love only me.

New friends, new beginnings or whatever.

That’s apparently what I thought when I began attending more clubs at college after the breakup, meeting new people and eventually finding a really solid friend group. All who happened to really like punk-rock music.

“You should really go with us,” Shang directed his words at me, “There’s a new band popping up that’s playing this weekend. It’s three hours away but they have great music.”

I sighed, not fully convinced although it did sound fun. The last concert I’d been to was one of Yunho’s and though I hadn’t even seen him in what felt like forever, I still couldn’t help myself from thinking of him anytime someone talked about concerts. Sensing my apprehension, the woman beside me spoke up.

“Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!” Tyra chanted in my ear, her black curls bouncing with her as she clapped her hands between the words. “Come on, it would be so much fun and you know it.”

I bit my lip, deep in thought. I knew I would have fun but I just didn’t know if that would outweigh the pain I would feel.

“What’s the band name?” I asked, looking at Shang.

“Honestly?” He scratched the back of his head, “I was a little drunk when I told one of my friends I’d be there so I don’t even remember what they’re called.”

“How do you know they have great music, then?” I laughed, Tyra agreeing with me, apparently not knowing who was playing when she agreed either.

“I mean, my brother listens to their music and he’s got good music taste so they’ve gotta be good.”

I closed my eyes as I felt an oncoming headache, knowing they wouldn’t accept no as an answer. “Fuck it.” I stated, “I’ll go.”

The two cheered, Shang promising that I’d enjoy myself. I doubted it, truthfully, but really it was decided that I’d go the moment the pair brought the idea up to me.

Our trio waded through the giant crowd as the doors opened to let us into the venue. It was big, one of the larger concerts I’ve been to. Whoever we were seeing was successful, for sure. The volume at which everyone was speaking was essentially a yell, so I had to do just that to get my messages through.

“I still can’t believe we have no fucking idea who’s playing!” I yelled at Shang.

He laughed, “I got seats towards the front row, though! I didn’t even have to pay for them!”

“That’s not gonna matter if we don’t know any of the lyrics, you dipshit!” Tyra barked.

“Okay okay I should’ve asked, I get that now.”

As we found our way towards the seats, there was a big projector with the words ‘Sidekick Heart’ displayed across it. My heart dropped and I suddenly felt it become hard to breathe.

“You got us tickets to a Sidekick Heart concert?” Tyra beamed, “I love their music and I’m practically in love with San! His vocals are insane! Holy shit, Shang!”

“Ohhhh yeah I remember now.” He chuckled.

I seemed to fade into the background as the two of them discussed their love for the band and the members. All I could think about was seeing Yunho again.

Would he see me? How would he react if he does?...Does he hate me?

I only came back to reality when the audience began to cheer and I saw all the members step onto stage. Seonghwa cradled his electric guitar, in one arm, waving at the audience with the other. Wooyoung plopped down behind the drum set, smiling at the audience while twirling a drumstick. With his bass guitar, San, ever the king of expressions, gave his best smoulder to the audience and it seemed like the audience collectively screamed over him. Then came Yunho out to center stage, his electric guitar in his hands and a smirk on his face as if he knew everyone in the damn building wanted to fuck him. And he’d be right. The spotlights on each of them made them look like actual gods. If I didn’t know them personally I would have thought they were.

Yunho leaned into the mic, his gruff voice taking me by surprise, “Hello everyone! Great to see you all! If you haven’t been to one of our concerts before this is how it’s gonna work: You’re gonna dance, we’re gonna sing, we’re all gonna have a fucking great time tonight!”

The crowd erupted as the first song began to play. It was one of their more popular songs and for good reason. All over it was a really well put together song and I couldn’t help as I began to mouth along to the words. Song after song played, some I knew some I didn’t, and the entire time I couldn’t look away from the man singing. He radiated confidence and looked relaxed as if he’d been performing for decades. I knew he wasn’t as cool as he seemed, I’d given him so many pep talks before performances I couldn’t count them, but as an outsider you’d never know.

I wonder who talked him up this time?

“Alright everyone. This is the last song of the night and-”

The audience booed, everyone upset at the night coming to a close.

Yunho laughed. The sound was rich and beautiful. He was truly enjoying himself. This is what he was meant to do, with or without me. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry.

Yunho’s voice filled my ears. “I know, I know. I’d love to stay a bit longer, too. Here’s the thing though...” He paused and I opened my eyes only to see him looking back at me. His eyes automatically softened as they always did when he saw me, but as if he remembered how we ended his gaze hardened slightly, like he was trying to distance himself. It felt like we’d been looking at each other for hours before he opened his mouth to speak again, but I knew very well that my perception of time had been off for a while.

“Even if we only have this little time left, I’ve truly enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. The fact that it’s coming to an end soon is what makes it so special, I think.” Yunho broke eye contact with me, smiling slightly and glancing back out at the sea of people. “Seeing your smiling faces, your energetic cheers—all of it—is a reminder to me that we’re so lucky to be doing this as a job. Really...I love you all.”

The audience let out a chorus of ‘awws’ which was followed by several rather aggressive ‘I love you too’s.

The lead singer once more smiled, “Now, without further adieu, this is one of our newest songs and it’s called Brown Eyes, here it is.”

The music began to play, all instruments coming together to make a somber tune. Somehow they were always able to write music that perfectly encapsulated emotions or ideas. This one? Loss.

“Since you left you’re still so infused

In how I think and what I do

Can’t seem to get you to leave me alone

Your ghost stayed here and she watches my tears

That run down our picture frames”

Then he found me again in the crowd, no doubt able to see the tears staining my makeup, no doubt able to see how broken I was. And still, he sang.

“I’ve tried hard to fight it

Yet I keep givin’ in

There’s been no one but you

I’m trapped, confined

And your platinum smile still knocks me out

Every single time”

He kept eye contact with me, not once breaking his gaze. It was almost as if he wanted me to break first, as if he wanted me to look away before him. As if he was daring me to leave him again.

San stepped closer to his mic and took his eyes away from his bass guitar, Yunho’s voice being replaced by the purple-haired man. As his voice rang out I only could’ve hoped the next lyrics were about one of San ex’s, not me. Even if they weren’t, Yunho still looked at me.

“It’s not aimed at me

Maybe it never was

But oh darling, you could’ve fooled me”

My eyes flickered down, unable to look at Yunho any longer. His gaze only broke my heart further and in turn I felt my eyes water. After a moment or two, I worked up the courage to look back at him. He was still looking at me like he never moved his eyes. I couldn’t seem to register the lyrics until Yunho began to sing again, his voice drawing me in as it always did.

“You've disappeared without a trace

Left an unsuspecting guise

Love, I need you to know

I’ve been losing far more than sleep

Over those deep chocolate eyes.”

As the song and the show ended and everyone in the crowd cheered, I felt a rush of emotions run through me. Thrilled that they’d become so successful, proud of them for putting on such an amazing show, and hurt because I could still see a sliver of sadness in Yunho’s eyes.

I hurt him.

Yunho then reluctantly said his goodbyes to the audience along with the rest of the members. His jaw tightened as he walked over to Wooyoung, whispering something in his ear before walking off stage. Feeling like I was set in a trance, I grabbed my Tyra’s arm and mumbled something about going to the bathroom before following him. I completely ignored her questions and concerns about where I was going, dead set on talking to him again even though I didn’t have a damn idea what I was going to say.

Somehow, through the giant maze of people, I was able to spot Yunho leaving through the backstage. Instinctively I ran towards him, still having no plan in mind. I only stopped when a purple-headed man appeared before me.

“Y/n!” He smiled, bringing me into a hug, “I missed you so much!” He pulled back from me, “We all did.”

Seonghwa and Wooyoung came from behind me, both wearing sad, kind smiles. They looked healthy and happy, which was all I could’ve asked for them.

“How’ve you been, girl?” Seonghwa cocked his head, genuinely curious.

I hesitated, not sure if I should tell them the truth. But at the end of the day, they were still my friends. “Not...great. If I’m being honest. I was kinda hoping I could talk to Yunho...if I could.”

They all shared a look I couldn’t understand.

Wooyoung spoke up, “We’re having a party at a friend’s house after this, you should come.”

I was surprised, still not fully understanding the situation.

San frowned, “I think it would be good for you two to talk. He didn’t tell us too much about what happened, but I’m sure you had a good reason. You were always so good to all of us.”

“I can text you the address if you’d like,” Wooyoung added, “You still have the same number?”

I nodded.

“Okay, good. We need to get back but we’ll see you there. Take care, okay?”

“I will. Thanks guys.”

San pulled me in for another hug, “Of course.”

They waved as we parted ways and for the first time that night, I felt hopeful. I spotted Shang and Tyra and ran up to them, no doubt a smile on my face as I asked, “Soo...you guys up for a party?”

I ditched my friends the moment we arrived, barely even sparing a word with Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung once they nudged me in the direction of Yunho. I didn’t try to think too much about it, knowing I’d explain it all to them later.

He was standing in an empty bedroom, looking at the floor and sipping out of a red cup which likely contained liquor. When his eyes met mine a rush of memories flooded back to me. The first time we kissed, the first time he confessed he loved me, the first time he saw me cry.

The first time I broke his heart.

His eyes raised to mine, his face stoic, “Enjoy the show?”

My mouth opened and closed, not having any clue what to say to him, “Yunho I-”

“I know why you did it.” He said suddenly, “A week after you left me Lucy showed up to one of our shows and tried to convince me it was all a coincidence. Said that I could finally be with her. When I didn’t buy it she finally gave in and told me she convinced you we were better apart. So naturally I called the cops and they arrested her for breaking the restraining order, thank god.” He shook his head, looking disgusted, “You know I never wanted us to be apart. My question to you,” he took a step further towards me, “is why did you do it? Why did you end us?”

When I couldn’t seem to respond he talked once more, “You could’ve told me what she was trying to do. We could’ve worked it out together.” He looked more disappointed and heartbroken rather than angry.

He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yunho.” I bit my tongue as I fought back tears, “I’m not asking for you to forgive me. I-I’m just-” I sobbed, “Lucy told me she would kill you if I kept dating you.”

Yunho’s mouth shut and eyes widened, clearly missing that bit of information. I took it as my cue to continue “I don’t know why she did it, but it’s probably because we were happy.”

More tears fell down my face and it became harder for me to talk, but I owed him the truth. I had to tell him the truth. I looked up at him but because of my tears my vision was blurred. Yunho’s hands were tightening into fists as he looked away from me.

“I couldn’t tell you because I had to protect you so I had to make you hate me and I’m just so sorry.” I fell to the ground, my body feeling as heavy as my heart.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I brought my eyes to meet his own, “I’m sorry.” A tear streamed down his cheek, heavy remorse in his eyes, “God she’s fucking awful.”

A laugh got caught in my throat, “Yeah she is.”

He set his cup down somewhere along the way a his hands cupped my face, finally whispering the words I’d only heard in dreams, “I still love you so fucking much. I never stopped loving you. I never even tried to stop because I know I couldn’t.”

I jumped into his arms and kissed him hard, unintentionally knocking him to the floor. He met my lips with just as much fire, groaning when I unconsciously bucked my hips into his, all my sexual frustration still pent up.

“I missed you so fucking much.” Yunho growled, obviously feeling needy too but deciding against it as he wrapped his arms around my waist, speaking in between kisses, “I missed your cute laugh. I missed your lips. I missed your fucking awful jokes. I missed the way you’d look at me whenever you told me you loved me. I missed your gorgeous body and your smile. I missed your moans and the way you arched your back when we’d have sex. I missed how alive you made me feel.” He pulled back to look at me, “My life had no purpose without you.”

I took a breath, tears once more falling, “Mine didn’t either.” It wasn’t anything profound or emotional, but it was the truth. It didn’t.

Gently picking me up, he placed me on the bed. His eyes were raw, as emotional as they could ever be. Taking my hands in his, he looked at me as if I would disappear at any minute.

“Stay with me. Come with us on the rest of the tour. If you can’t take a vacation we’ll hire you as an assistant. If you can’t do that we’ll make some other kind of accommodation. Just stay, please. Please be mine again.”

I looked at the man in front of me. The tough-looking, six-foot tall, tattooed, strong man that could probably scare the shit out of anyone. Yet here he was, bearing his heart to me and being as vulnerable as a person could be.

I smiled, feeling my heart swell. “I’ve only ever been yours.”

The morning was bright, lighting directly hitting my eyes. I cursed myself for not closing the blinds the night before and blinked off my sleep when I heard a familiar pleasant sound.

Jumping down from the bed I put on the new fluffy bathrobe my lover bought me. I followed Yunho’s voice out to my porch, realizing I was listening to a new song of his. The man was strumming a guitar, a beautiful melody falling from his lips. When he noticed me, he smiled and continued to sing.

“I’m in a vivid yellow mood

You’re my muse, my home and room

And now that I have you again

What could I ever fear?

Oh do me a favor, dear

And inscribe your name on my sleeve

Let me keep it there forever

Because you’re better than any daydream.”

#ateez #kpop #imagines #ateez au #ateez fluff #ateez imagines #ateez smut #atzinc #fluff #ateez yunho #rockstar au #yunho au

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storiesforallfandoms · 4 years ago

Text

way too hot ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 1608

request?: yes!

“heyyy, I love your writing. do you think you could please do a mgk imagine based off of his and yungbluds new song acting like that? thanks <3″

“Heyyy. I love your writing and I was wondering if you could maybe do a Colson Baker x reader based off of the song he and yungblud did, acting like that? I would really appreciate it if you did. Love your account so much btw!!”

description: in which she comes back to her ex way too often, and he finally decides to confront her about it

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing

based on this song

masterlist (one, two)

The sound of loud knocking woke Colson from his deep sleep. He checked the time on his phone to see that it was 4am. Normally, Colson’s insomnia would have him awake at this time anyways, but he had been attempting to fix his sleep schedule now that he had some time off, and he was succeeding for the most part.

The knock came again, causing Colson to groan and throw his warm blanket off himself to venture out into his cold house.

He wasn’t shocked to see his ex-girlfriend stood at his door, nearly stumbling into the house.

“Shit,” she breathed. “I-I didn’t mean...I told the cab driver the wrong house. I’m sorry, Colson, I - ”

Colson could smell the alcohol basically wafting off her, mixed with the sweet, familiar scent of her perfume. He sighed and stepped aside. “Come in.”

As he had numerous times before, he gave her a change of clothes and set up the couch for her to sleep on. He helped her to the couch and gave her water and an Aspirin to help with her inevitable hang over in the morning.

(Y/N) drifted off to sleep within seconds. Colson looked down at her, a million things running through his head to say to her. He decided it would be best to wait until the morning before saying anything, when he was less tired and she was less drunk.

After another moment of just gazing down at his once love, he finally made his way back up to his room.

~~~~~~

When he finally came down the next morning, (Y/N) was still sound asleep. Colson knew he should be annoyed, that he probably shouldn’t have even let her stay there that night. But he wasn’t annoyed, far from it. Part of him was almost happy to see her asleep in his house again.

Although, this wasn’t the first time she had stumbled her way to Colson’s place since they had broken up. Colson had lost count of how many times it had happened, and each time she would swear it was the last only to show up again about a week later.

Colson and (Y/N) had agreed to break up nearly six months ago when they found their relationship was starting to struggle due to Colson’s busy schedule. Colson had been trying to move on when she showed up on his doorstep first, so drunk she could barley speak and tears running down her face. Colson had brought her in and allowed her to stay the night, both of them sure it was going to be a one time thing.

He still loved her, he couldn’t deny that, but her constant drunk visits followed by her insistence that it was the last time felt like he was being stabbed in the heart repeatedly. He either wanted to make things work between them again, or to move on from the relationship.

Colson sighed and approached the couch. He gently touched (Y/N)’s leg, and when she didn’t stir he shook her a little. Her eyes slowly began to open, but she winced from the harsh sunlight beaming in from the living room window and groaned.

“Sorry,” Colson said. “Forgot they were open.”

“Colson?” (Y/N) mumbled, her hands covering her eyes as Colson moved to shut the blinds. “Shit, I did it again, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Colson confirmed. “Take the Aspirin I left you, it’ll help with the headache.”

(Y/N) moved slowly as she sat up and reached for the Aspirin. She moved too suddenly once and hissed in pain, which caused Colson to wince himself. He went to the kitchen as to not have to watch her agony much longer. He threw some leftovers into the microwave, enough for the two of them to share, and brought a plate of food to the kitchen for (Y/N).

“You don’t have to do that,” she told him, although she took the plate anyways. “I probably shouldn’t be here long, anyways.”

“You’re still nursing a hangover, no way I’m letting you go anywhere any time soon,” he decided.

Silence fell over the two of them as (Y/N) took a mouthful of her food. Colson snuck a quick glance at her when he was sure she wasn’t looking. Even just awake with a hangover, she looked like the most beautiful girl in the world.

He could feel his heart racing with delight at just having her there, and he realized he couldn’t let things go much further without addressing the elephant in the room.

“Why do you keep doing this, (Y/N)?”

She looked up at him, a fork full of food paused midair towards her lips. She placed it back down on her plate, averting her eyes from Colson. “I...I’m sorry. I’ll stop, it’s just - ”

“I don’t necessarily want you to stop,” Colson cut her off, although that wasn’t really the truth. “I just...I want to know why you keep getting drunk and coming here in the middle of the night. I wanna know why you do that and then you leave immediately and say you want to pretend like nothing ever happened, only to do it all again. I don’t mind helping you sometimes, but fuck (Y/N), you do make it hard to try and move on from our breakup.”

Tears were starting to form in (Y/N)’s eyes. She looked away from Colson in an effort to hide them, but he could see her lip quivering and could see the trail of water running down her cheek.

“Because...I have a hard time letting you go, too,” she responded, her voice soft.

“What?” Colson asked, although he had heard her.

“I have a hard time letting you go, Colson!” she repeated, much louder this time. “I understand that our relationship wasn’t great, but I wanted nothing more than to try and fight for it; for us. I wanted to be the perfect girlfriend who sat by and waited for her rockstar boyfriend to come home so she could shower him with the love and support he deserved, and I wanted to be cool with the constant partying even when you were home, or the guys always being over and never giving us alone time. I tried so hard to be that way. I...I had hoped you weren’t noticing the relationship going south, too. I hoped I could just fake things being okay until they were again.”

He ached to reach out and take hold of her hand. He hated to see her cry and wanted to hold her and comfort her, but he knew that was inappropriate to do in that moment. So, he just sat, watching the girl of his dreams cry over her love for him.

“Why didn’t you say that when we decided to break up?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I figured it was for the best. I felt that we weren’t how we used to be, you were unhappy. I thought we’d both be better off if we broke up.”

“I wasn’t unhappy.”

She looked up at him. “What? Yes you were, you said - ”

“I said I was unhappy that I couldn’t be with you how you deserved. I wasn’t unhappy with the relationship as a whole, I was unhappy with how I was holding up my end of the relationship.”

(Y/N) was shocked into silence. All these months she had believed that Colson was unhappy in their relationship. She had convinced herself that it was her own doing, that she hadn’t been good enough to keep up with his lifestyle. He had never told her he was unhappy with himself.

“You never told me that,” she pointed out.

“I guess neither one of us was really good with communication then.”

(Y/N) smiled a little at this. She had placed her food aside, no longer feeling able to eat. Colson reached for the plate and was about to make his way back to the kitchen when (Y/N) stopped him.

“Do you think there’s any way we could start again?”

Colson paused in the living room doorway before turning back to look at her. “You mean...from the beginning?”

(Y/N) shrugged. “Maybe...I don’t know. At least start from back before your career blew up and we were both trying to navigate these new waters we were unfamiliar with.”

The corner of Colson’s lips tugged up in a slight smile, his heart fluttering with excitement. “I definitely think we could try. As long as we both promise to be open with one another. No more of this thinking we know what’s best for the other. We lay everything out on the table and we talk through our problems.”

(Y/N)’s smile mirrored his own as she nodded. “Yeah, I like that plan.”

Colson nodded as well. He didn’t want to walk away now, he just wanted to go back and join (Y/N) on the couch. He wanted to smoother her in kisses and cuddle her until her hungover headache went away. He wanted to have his girl back in his arms again.

“I’m glad we decided this,” he finally said. “While I love how adorable you act when you’re drunk, you’re truly way too hot to be acting like that.”

(Y/N) raised an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms over her chest. “Oh yeah? Acting like what?”

“Like a crazy drunk ex.”

He began to laugh and ducked out of the room just in time to miss a pillow (Y/N) threw at him in retaliation for his words.

#machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #colson baker #colson baker imagine #colson baker x reader #mgk #estxx #imagine #one shot #request #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

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deviliciousdev · 3 years ago

Text

appreciation post for the types✨

from your local intp🖤

------------------------

✨The Sensors✨

estj (the executive)

Oh the executive, the most organized and loud boss bitch to ever exist. You cut through the bullshit and do not let anything stand in your way. And yet, like you're intuitive counter part (entj) you are quite sensitive if and when something hurts your feelings. Even though you're an expert at being all business during business hours, you still know how to have fun. and omg you have such a dorky sense of humor and love random facts, we love that. you are/can/will be a great leader/parent. All in all you are THEE boss and everyone knows it. keeping leading and kicking ass. 👏🏼

estp (the entrepreneur)

i absolutely adore estp's. you are the epitome of one of my fav character arcs. which is the charismatic rogue, who possibly drinks a lil more than they should, but can handle their liquor like a sailor (amazingly). you never back down from a challenge. you are so fun and wild in a han solo type of way, that just makes everyone want to be around you. but the best thing about you, is the way (deep down & to those you let close know) you are actually such a sweetheart. you would get hit by a bus trying to rush to make sure a friend is ok. you would take a bullet for any of your loved ones and let them cry on your shoulder. you're secretly the white knight but you're happy to let everyone think you're just the brash rogue. you're one of my best friends and someone i will adore with all my heart till the end of time.💕

p.s if you don't have an estp in your life, get one ASAP. they are a necessity for a complete friend group.

istj (the logistician)

oof, yes istj's. so sublet in their charm, and ready to die for what they believe in. i love the istj because you have two of an intp's fav qualities at your core. badassery & humility. you're like this pillar of certainty. even if you are uncertain about something, no one would ever be able to tell. you have a way of decision making that's not loud or overwhelming. which is why intp's love when you plan things. you're also quiet at first, but if you're challenged, you would never let someone walk all over you or something/someone that matters to you. i also love that you're one of the types (alongside infp & entj) that is sooo funny and goofy when you're drunk. like a lil toddler. #adorable

istp (the engineer)

ahhhh, the intp's sensing counter part. istp's fucking rule. truly. you believe in many of the same principles intps do. the main one being, keeping an open mind without fore fitting you're own beliefs. your exterior calm and collected nature makes you cool af. AND you also have such a FANTASTIC sense of sarcastic humor. like yes bitch. i love the way intps are the idealists and istps are the doers. if an istp and intp got together, ooof the world better beware the chaos that would ensue. also you guys have thee COOLEST fictional characters. the first one that always comes to mind is Arya Stark from Game of Thrones. like suchhhhhhh a badass who also roasts literally EVERY single person in that show no matter if it's the fucking leader of the house you're at war with. out of all the types i think you would be the best assassin. to sum up i think the word i always relate to you is... cool. 😎 like plain and simple. 💀🤘🏼

p.s let's be partners in crime. 😁🚨🚓

esfj (the consul)

ok, ok, so first things first, because you are so opposite of the intp, i know we can butt heads sometimes. the main reason this happens is because nt's will see you're want to make others happy as a negative. HOWEVER, as i have gotten to know and respect an esfj as they are a part of my family (irl). i can say that the perceived notion of esfj's wanting to please everyone to get them to like them is a bit misguided. while esfjs DO want everyone to be happy, it's not always about being the popular kid. it's actually because they care about others. AND not just others but like situations. they really care if a party or a dinner is going smoothly. because they want events and people to have an enjoyable time and be happy. so esfj's I SEE YOU. and i genuinely appreciate how much you care about even the smmmmallest things. you are very dependable and high key you've taught me a lot. like how/why it's important to always say please and thank you. and you showed me that having emotions (like being nervous) isn't a weakness and it actually shows us what's important. esfj's are HIGHLY underrated, and much more wise than anyone gives you credit for.

p.s you are so much fun to prank and you always give as good as you get. 🤘🏼

esfp (the entertainer)

holy shit. that's all i can think when i think of the memories we share. we somehow bring out the worst/best in one another. you and infp are the ones i tell first when i get good news because i know you'll hype me the fuck up. we have sooooooooooo much fun together. you are so absolutely awesome and one of my best friends in the whole wide world. if i have a passing random idea, YOU WILL DO IT. i can be like "wouldn't it be funny if someone got on the hood of the car and twerked" and you're hilarious crazy ass will literally jump out of the car and do it. just because it's funny. you can party soooo hard, like rockstar level. you 100% need you're own reality show. your presence makes my introverted self feel more confident even when i'm at my lowest. with all that chaotic-ness said, you are actually a REALLY good parent/s.o?? such a crazy bitch, but also wife material?? like are you real?? anywayyyyy, just wanna say esfp's are the bad bitches of the types (no gender intended, bitches is gender neutral). and i can't wait for our next adventure. 🤩💜

isfj (the defender)

ok so even though you're a feeling type, i would have to say you're the most logical out of ALL the feeling types. i think it comes from you're mama bear (no specific gender intended) core. you don't put up with anyone's shit when it comes to those you care about. and dayummm will you fuck someone up (metaphorically and literally) if they come for your loved ones. you are VERY intelligent and people often underestimate you. the word that comes to mind when i think about isfjs is... resolve. your resolve in the face of hardship is so inspiring and something to be feared. i really love the way you seem so chill and even sweet and gracious and then it's like... oh fuck mamas here... but you don't even have to raise your voice to get your point across. like the istj, you've got a certainty and loyalty that intp's lovvveee. we never have to guess where you're loyalties are, because you don't just say, you show, through real actions. and we love that. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🐻

isfp (the adventurer)

oh the isfp, no one and i mean no one can match the intp's weird out of the box thinking like you. can. you view the world in SUCH a unique way. you not only see things in deep meaningful aesthetics, but you make them a reality. you love to push the envelope of what are perceived social normals. and we lovvvvvvve that shit. you're life can be so out there, but you still respect and can make friends with just about anyone. you're so sweet and creative. and you always show me something sooooo interesting. a hidden gem, a beautiful view spot, a hole in the wall place to eat. you've got that thing that xntp's sort of fall head over heels for, but in a subtle way to where we don't even realize it. and you can make time the illusion it actually is, not even noticing that we've been hanging out for like 12 hours, because it felt like 30 minutes. and omg talk about talented! anything that requires creativity you are always so good at, like wtf?? 😂👏🏼 i will end this by saying; you're simultaneously the most tranquil yet exciting person i've ever met. and truly one of a kind. keep doing exactly what you're doing and i can't wait to see what you come up with next.

p.s you are my top choice, to go to Bali & Tulum with✨🤍☯️

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peaceisadirtyword · 4 years ago

Text

Move On IV (Modern!Ivar/Reader)

A/N: Hello!💕 I don’t even know how I managed to finish this with the crazy week I’ve had💀 I had 3 exams, a huge paper to hand in and a presentation. But somehow, I did this too and I wanted to post it as soon as possible🥰 I’m quite happy of how this one turned out considering I hadn’t that much time to work on it. So I hope you like it!♥️ There’s not many parts left (2 or 3) but I have an idea for a “sequel” so if you guys like this one, maybe when it’s done I’ll work on that!

Now enjoy, stay safe and enjoy the holidays, even if this year isn’t the best one for celebrations😅 See you soon🥰

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex, angst, implied Hvitserk x Reader, don’t kill me for this lol

Words: 4179 (I’m sorry)

Move On II III

gifs belong to @therealcalicali and @honestsycrets

You actually liked to go shopping. You enjoyed walking around the shops and looking at beautiful clothes and shoes. You didn't like to try on the clothes, though, because the comparisons between the model on the photos and you were awful.

"Aren't you gonna try that on, Y/N?"

Torvi's voice startled you. She just got out of one of the fitting rooms, wearing a beautiful silver dress that made her look even better than the model. You widened your eyes.

"I... Don't think this will fit me" you glanced at the clothes they made you pick. Party clothes; tight dresses, short skirts, low cut crop tops... "I'm more of a comfy sweatpants and oversized hoodies girl" you raised an eyebrow.

Torvi chuckled, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

"Come on, Y/N, I want to see how you look on them!"

She looked at herself on the mirror, frowning softly. You looked at the pile of clothes on the wooden table and wondered why you agreed to go shopping with Torvi, Gunhild and Lagertha when you could be at home, eating cookies and watching Disney movies with Hvitserk.

They insisted on going shopping and then go and grab lunch. As you barely had any social life anymore, you thought it'd be a great idea. Then they entered one of those expensive shops that you could only admire from afar and glare with jealousy to the people that exited the store with a couple of bags.

"Okay, I think this is the one" Torvi shrugged happily "What do you think?" She turned around and you smiled softly.

"You look beautiful"

"Thank you" her smile widened "You're the sweetest, Y/N"

"Are you girls done?" Lagertha's voice startled you, her head peeked through the door.

"Nearly" Torvi winked at her "What do you think about this dress? Y/N likes it"

"I think you look perfect on it" Lagertha smiled at her ex daughter in law. You were still amazed with the narrative of that family, but it wasn't your place to judge "What about you, Y/N? Did you try anything?"

You opened your mouth to speak, but Torvi interrupted you.

"She didn't, I keep telling her she should, but she won't listen" she raised an eyebrow and you groan, rubbing your face.

"Come on, we're not leaving until you try something on" Lagertha chuckled.

Sighing, you rubbed your face and grabbed the clothes, rolling your eyes as you entered the fitting room, making Torvi and Lagertha smirk in victory.

_________________________________________

"So... We could go out" Torvi looked excited as you stared at your lunch. You had nothing against modern, expensive restaurant but you weren't sure if it was legal that they asked that amount of money for that.

"We're already out, Torvi" Gunhild chuckled. Out of all of them, she was the one you could relate to the most, she was the most calm, the quiet, but also as fierce as Lagertha if not more.

"I know" Torvi rolled her eyes "But maybe we should go out to a nightclub, you know, I haven't been out in forever and I want to, this whole 'plan the perfect wedding' thing is stressing me out"

"You don't need to plan the perfect wedding, every wedding is perfect when you're in love" Lagertha raised her cup of champagne softly, and you chewed at your food slowly.

"I know, I know, I just... Ubbe is the one, you know?"

"We know, Torvi" Gunhild smiled widely at her "But you see... My own wedding with Björn was quite rushed, and still... Magical" she blushed softly, looking down.

You smiled, remembering her wedding. You had attended with Ivar, who wasn't too excited to go to his half-brother's wedding and was nearly obligated by his family. The two of you left very early, but not before having sex on the limousine Björn had rented.

"I know you will have the same thing with Ubbe, I can see it" Lagertha caressed Torvi's hand over the table.

"Okay stop getting emotional, I know what you're doing" she narrowed her eyes at them "Can we go out, please?"

They laughed, and even you chuckled softly.

"Y/N, I trust you, don't leave me alone" she pouted at you "Tonight?"

"I'm afraid I work tonight" you smiled apologetically "But you all can go out! I'm sure you'll have a better time without me"

"No, we need you" she sighed "Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I suppose tomorrow is fine..."

"Perfect!" She giggled.

"I'm afraid my time on nightclubs is already over, girls" Lagertha laughed "But I wish you have a great time, enjoy your youth"

"I think I can" Gunhild nodded "But I'll leave early"

Torvi looked satisfied.

"Okay, I can call Sigurd's new girlfriend too"

"Sigurd has a girlfriend?" You raised an eyebrow. You didn't know anything, but as you barely talked to him due to his bad relationship with Ivar, it didn't surprise you.

"Yeah, I met her when we had dinner with them to tell them about the wedding... She's cute, and nice... It looks like our dear Sigurd finally settled down... Ubbe was relieved to hear about her, he was really worried that the rockstar life was too much for him"

Even Sigurd, the now semi-famous musician that girls pursued after his gigs, the soft and sweet Sigurd that had had nearly as many girls as Hvitserk, had settled down. He had an stable relationship. You, on the other hand, had a shitty job and spent your nights watching Disney movies.

You kept eating as Torvi talked about her favorite clubs, trying to decide which one was more suitable for a girls' night. But suddenly, someone entering the restaurant, and your eyes widened. Torvi stopped talking and Lagertha raised an eyebrow, turning her head to look at the door.

Of all the people you'd think you might run into on a posh restaurant, Aslaug wasn't one of them. She looked as beautiful and flawless as always, with her hair tied on an elegant bun and her subtle makeup that made her pretty eyes stand out. Ivar had his father's eye color, but the shape was much more similar to his mother's. They resembled each other, and it made your stomach turn.

She looked around the restaurant, and when her eyes found yours, she looked surprised. An strange expression crossed her face, but she flashed you a sweet smile. Aslaug seemed cold and distant to most people, but to you she was always sweet and caring, treating you like the daughter she always wanted but never got.

Her smile turned a bit stern when she looked at Lagertha and Torvi, ignoring Gunhild. Then she turned to the bar, smiling politely at the waitress.

Then the eyes turned to you. You cleared your throat nervously and avoided them. It was true that, out of Ivar's family, the only people you had a close relationship with were Hvitserk, Aslaug, Floki and Helga, and sometimes Ubbe, even if that changed when he decided to get closer to his half brother and Lagertha. Now things had changed, and you still felt a bit out of place in this new social circle Alfred had introduced to you, but your link to the "enemy" was much stronger.

"I... I'm going to say hello" you muttered.

No one said anything, and you nearly felt sick. When you arrived to the bar, Aslaug was talking to a man next to her. You hadn't even realized he walked in after her, like her favored son, she had the gift of making everyone aware of only her presence by just walking in a room.

"Hi, Aslaug"

She turned to face you, her face lightened up and her smile widened. This time it reached her eyes.

"Y/N, my sweet girl, hello" she hugged you tightly, and you sighed, hugging her back. You missed her "I was wondering if you'd say hello... How are you, my dear?"

"I'm fine" you nodded "How are you?"

"I'm good, honey, I'm so happy to see you, I was worried when you..." She licked her lips, nervously "I called you a couple of times, but you didn't pick up"

"Oh, yeah, sorry about that... I kind of neglected my phone for a few weeks"

"I understand" she nodded. If anyone in the world understood exactly how you felt, it was Aslaug "I truly do, Hvitserk has been talking to me about you, I'm glad you haven't completely cut off communications with my family, we need you"

"Of course" you giggled "Hvitserk is one of my closest friends, and that won't change"

I hope, you thought. You kind of felt very replaceable.

"I'm glad to see you" she repeated, the smile never left her lips "Remember you will always be welcome in our home, Y/N"

"Thank you, Aslaug" you nearly teared up "I think I should go back now..."

"Yeah, go and have fun, dear" she caressed your cheek softly, not even mentioning the people you were with "Goodbye"

"Bye, have a good day" you shot her another wide smile.

______________________________________________

Thora looked impressed when you arrived to the cafeteria with Torvi, Lagertha and Gunhild. She was polite to them, but it was obvious that she was surprised to see you hanging out with them.

'Wow' was the only thing she said once they left, making you promise you'd wear the dress you had bought that morning to the club the night after.

"Don't even mention it" you groaned, rubbing your face as the both of you got ready to start your shift.

"I didn't take you for someone that had brunch with these people" Thora held back a laugh, and you hit her arm playfully.

"They're really nice" you muttered "They're just trying to make me feel better"

"Yeah, they seem nice, but... Are you sure you fit in that group, Y/N?" She raised an eyebrow "Don't get offended, but I never pictured you in there"

"No, I don't" you sighed "As I'm seeing Alfred now, I suppose they see me like one of them"

"You're seeing..."

"Not like that" you glared at her "Shut up, we're just friends"

This time she didn't hold back the laugh.

"I went on a date with Hvitserk" she cleared her throat, and you looked up at her again, interested.

"And?"

"Nothing, he's just not my type" she shrugged, making you groan.

"He likes you, I know it" you winked at her.

Thora shook her head.

"Hvitserk is the kind of man that likes everyone" she laughed "It's okay, he's nice and fun, but not what I'm looking for... I have another date tonight, though, with a guy I met on Tinder"

"You're on Tinder?" You frowned as you kept drying the coffee cups.

"Yes, and you should too" she giggled when you widened your eyes at her "Come on, Y/N, you're young, hot and cute, stop thinking about a boy that didn't appreciate you, you deserve to spend your nights having orgasms, not chocolate ice-cream"

"But I like chocolate ice-cream" you muttered.

"More than orgasms?" She chuckled, and just when you were about to answer, she interrupted you "Don't answer, you're weird" she rolled her eyes.

Hvitserk surprised you at the end of your shift with a bag full of beers. He had brought his car and offered you a late night with beer, chips and reality shows. As it was probably the best plan you could have, you said yes, and opened one of the beers even before entering the car. You saw Hvitserk glance at Thora as she stayed to close the cafeteria and wait for her date, chatting with a girl she knew from university that visited her at work.

"You should work a bit for it" you said, raising an eyebrow at him as he drove to your home with a poker face.

"She's not interested" he shrugged. As Hvitserk wasn't used to having girls reject him, it had hurt his pride.

"But you can make her interested if you do things right" you chuckled "You Lothbrok boys are always waiting for girls battling their eyelashes at you"

Hvitserk laughed.

"You're right, what can I say? I'm surprised you didn't battle your eyelashes at me yet"

"I was busy with your brother, Hvitty" you giggled "Until he got tired of me"

Hvitserk's smile faded slowly, and as soon as he could, he put his hand on your thigh, turning to look at you.

"How are you, Y/N?"

"I'm fine, it's okay" you muttered, shrugging "I saw your mother today"

"Yeah she told me" he nodded, his attention back to the road "She also asked me not to say anything to Ivar" he sighed "It's because she doesn't like Freydis, she came home for dinner the other day and I could swear she would have loved to sink the knife on her neck" he held back a smile.

God, you loved Aslaug.

"Why? What happens with Freydis that no one likes her?" You asked, curious.

"You've seen them together, haven't you?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, briefly... Alfred and I left immediately, I barely talked to them"

"Ivar is infatuated with her" he sighed "He's lost his mind, Y/N, he's not even rational now, his whole world is Freydis, it's not love, it's... I'm worried about him" he frowned "He's changing, he can't see anything past her"

"Have you tried to talk to him? Maybe he needs a bit of big brother guidance"

"I can't talk to him, he's... He doesn't listen. No matter what I tell him, he doesn't trust me"

"Ivar has a hard time trusting people" you said softly "Maybe..."

"Don't defend him" he glared at you "I know what you mean, but he's known her for a few months, Y/N, and he's pushing away every single person that was important to him, he's not even going to physical therapy anymore"

You frowned a bit. Ivar hated therapy, but he always understood he needed to do it. Suddenly you felt the need of texting him.

"Stop worrying about him, Y/N" Hvitserk narrowed his eyes "It's my job to worry about him because he's my little brother, but you can forget about him now"

When you arrived home, Hvitserk went directly to the kitchen to heat up the sandwiches you had taken from the cafeteria and put the beers in the fridge as you entered your bedroom, sighing tiredly.

"I'm going to take a shower" you raised your voice, and after Hvitserk hummed, probably with his mouth full of food, you entered the bathroom, closing the door and taking off your clothes.

The warm water relaxed your body and you were able to finally stop thinking, leaving your mind completely blank.

It didn't last, though.

As soon as you left the shower, you unlocked your phone, looking for Ivar's contact. The last text messages you had exchanged were from the last days of your relationship. Ivar didn't like to text, so he usually only replied with monosyllables and then called you to hear your voice, but in those last weeks he hadn't even replied. In that moment, you had tried to convince yourself that it was normal, that he might hadn't feel like texting you, but then he had broken up with you. Scrolling down the messages, you could tell exactly the day he had realized he wasn't in love with you anymore -if he had ever been in love, which you started to doubt-. You let your throat ache and a couple of tears run down your cheek before wiping them away and writing the message you had in mind.

Hi Ivar. Are you okay?

You didn't think he'd reply. But after hearing people saying how weird Ivar was acting (even more than the usual) and how Freydis had changed him, you started to wonder if he was okay. No matter how much he hurt you, he was still someone you cared deeply about.

A knock on the bathroom door startled you.

"Y/N? Are you alive?" Hvitserk sounded a bit worried as he knocked on the door. You cleared your throat and dried the few tears on your face.

"Yes! Sorry! I'll be out in five!"

____________________________________

The beers didn't last as long as you thought. It was past midnight when Hvitserk convinced you to open the bottle of vodka you had bought months ago and already forgot why.

It resulted on a blurry night, as the both of you started feeling more and more happy, you watched stupid movies and laughed at them. You forgot about Ivar, the text and the ache in your chest. Hvitserk was the only one that could make you forget everything and laugh so much.

"Come on, that never happens" Hvitserk groaned, rubbing his eyes with his voice already a bit unsteady. The brothers had a high alcohol tolerance, but Hvitserk was always the one that got drunk first "The girl never runs back to us, we're the ones that have to chase them"

You giggled drunkenly, hitting his arm.

"Yeah, we have to make you work for it"

He rolled his eyes, drinking directly from the bottle now.

"It's always easier to go out to a pub and have sex with another girl"

You giggled again. For some reason, every single thing he said felt like the funniest thing ever.

"Yeah, we can do that too" you smirked "For example, as you don't want to work for Thora, she's now out on a date and probably having sex with another guy while you're in my apartment getting drunk and criticizing terrible movies... Who's losing now?" You raised an eyebrow, smiling in victory. Hvitserk frowned and glared at you as you laid back on the couch.

"Are you saying I should go out and find someone to have sex with?"

"No" you giggled "I'm saying you should call Thora tomorrow"

"Anyway" he scoffed again "You should be the one going out to have sex"

"Me?" You laughed "Why?"

"When was the last time you had an orgasm, Y/N?"

You closed your eyes and pressed your fingers against your temple. It was hard to think when you had that... Noise in your head.

"I can't remember" you muttered "Probably before..." You hummed. He knew what you meant.

"What?" He widened his eyes, and his jaw dropped "It's been months, Y/N, what the hell?" He groaned "You didn't even touch yourself?"

You were so drunk that you didn't even flinch at his question.

"I don't have time for that" you frowned.

"Well, now I know why you're always pouting and looking like a lost puppy"

You opened your eyes to glare at him, even if you only saw a blurry bulge on the other side of your couch.

"I don't pout" you scoffed "And I'm just not ready to get to know someone new, Hvitty"

"You don't have to know them, you just need to fuck them" he shrugged "It works, you know, it helps to move on... In fact, this is what you should do; you should go out, pick someone, take them to my flat and fuck them on Ivar's bed"

You couldn't help the burst of laugher that brought tears to your eyes. Hvitserk looked amused.

"I'm serious, that should teach that asshole a fucking lesson, he needs it"

"I miss him" you muttered when the laughter died down "I texted him"

You couldn't see it, but Hvitserk sighed and rubbed his eyes. He moved then, startling you when he laid down next to you, hugging you softly. It made you smile.

"You need to stop, Y/N" he whispered then, and the lump in the throat came back "You really need to move on, you're amazing, and there's so many people in the world that deserves you much more than my stupid brother"

"I know" you sighed "But I want him"

Hvitserk hummed. He knew the feeling. He also knew you'd get over it, with time, but now it was difficult.

"That's why you need to go out there and enjoy your youth, Y/N" he drank from the bottle again, making you laugh "Get drunk, have sex and stop living like you're fifty and getting over your second divorce"

"Sounds easy when you say it" you giggled turning around to face him.

"You just need to do it" he muttered. Your eyelids already felt heavy, and when you opened your eyes, you saw Ivar. You didn't even know why, Ivar and Hvitserk didn't really look alike, but in that moment you saw him, his deep blue eyes staring at you, his pouty lips, his cute nose... Even that nervous expression he had whenever the two of you were alone. Your heart started beating faster and faster, and you felt his arms around you. You could even smell him. Oh, gods, you missed him so much. You would give anything, your own life, just to be able to kiss him again, even if it was for the last time.

So you just leant in and kissed him.

He kissed you back, but that kiss didn't feel like Ivar's... This one was much more rushed, it was good but... It lacked Ivar's passion and intensity. It wasn't the same.

Anyway, you kept kissing him, as his hands roamed up and down your body. You might knew you were kissing Hvitserk, but decided to ignore it. Maybe he was right and you just needed someone to move on.

_______________________________________

Ivar just glared at his phone. He had been glaring at it for the past two hours, since Freydis left, saying she was meeting some friends that night. Then he checked his phone and he nearly dropped it when he saw your name on his screen. Why were you texting him now? He thought you hated him. It was easier that way.

He rubbed his face, groaning and laying back on his bed. His legs hurt so much that day... No matter how many painkillers he had taken, how much he rested. He was feeling like someone just ran over him with a truck.

Hvitserk didn't come home either. Not that it made a difference. The long nights they spent drinking cheap beer and talking about family and life were long forgotten. They weren't as close now. He was probably fucking someone he just met, or getting drunk. Did he mention he'd go to your house to see you? Maybe. Ivar had stopped listening whenever your name came up, trying to avoid that rage he felt the last time he saw you, getting all cozy and giggly with Alfred. The fucking Alfred.

You always insisted he was only a friend, but he knew better, if he hadn't left you for Freydis, you'd probably have ended up leaving him for Alfred. He was better for you anyway.

Hi Ivar. Are you okay?

Why did you care? Were you thinking about him and suddenly wanted to know if he was okay? Did anyone say anything to you?

He had to hold back a smile when he saw your profile picture. It was you in Iceland, hugging one of the huskies Floki had on his house in Skógar. Freki, the husky you had fallen in love with, was infatuated with you, too, and Ivar found very amusing how he would follow you anywhere, trying to get your attention. It reminded him of himself, actually, annoyed when you diverted your attention to something that wasn't him. Ivar had a serious talk with the dog, explaining him that he wasn't allowed to get into bed with you, let alone cuddle you in your sleep, the only living being that could do that was Ivar.

He took that picture one morning you decided to take Freki for a walk. The husky had been so excited to see you that he had knocked you down to the floor, making you laugh. The picture had you looking at the camera, hugging Freki as he tried to lick your cheek.

When he locked his phone again, the warm tingling on his chest disappeared. It made him sigh, closing his eyes. Freydis was perfect, wasn't she? She was beautiful, sweet, she loved him. She made him understand he was special, that he needed no one but her.

She was perfect. She was the one, and she loved him as much as he did, she always said it. At least a few times a day, she smiled sweetly and said that she loved him, so that meant she loved him, right? You didn't say it that much. But then again, you would have never left him alone knowing he was in pain.

Shaking his head, he unlocked his phone again and wrote a quick text.

Yeah, thanks.

Then he deleted your number. He didn't want to see that photo with Freki, smiling at him, he didn't want to think about you or about what you would have done. You weren't part of his life anymore.

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @lol-haha-joke @hallowed-heathen @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt @love-hate-love @titty-teetee @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @blushingskywalker @awkwardfangirl02 @gruffle1 @justacripple @love-dria @heartbeats-wildly @letsrunawaytotomorrow @inforapound @sallydelys @hellogabysblog @hecohansen31 @youbloodymadgenius @xinyourdreamsx @funmadnessandbadassvikings @eteramfools @tgrrose @flokidottirsstuff @lovessce @tootie-fruity @didiintheblog @alexhandersenx @belovedcherry @fantasydevil2002 @xceafh @astrape-the-weatherwitch @destynelseclipsa @poisonous00 @littlebear423 @xbellaxcarolinax @soleil-dor @geekydane-post @katarokkar11 @crackhead1-800

I hope I didn’t forget anyone :( if I did please tell me

#ivar imagine #ivar the boneless #ivar x reader #modern ivar #vikings #vikings imagine #modern vikings

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spine-buster · 4 years ago

Text

The President Wears Prada (William Nylander) | Chapter 23

A/N: *sings* Taaaake me to church...

February 25th, 2020

Aberdeen Bloom was officially 22 years old.

Despite all the events of yesterday, she was happy. She had a few texts from friends and some Instagram notifications already waiting for her when she woke up, and they put her in a good mood. Her parents called her as she was putting on her makeup, and talked to her until she left to get breakfast downstairs. She already knew she would FaceTime Siena after practice when they got back to the hotel.

When she got downstairs to the continental breakfast, some of the guys were already there, and she knew everyone else was on their way. Jake was already there, wishing her a happy birthday at the scrambled eggs. Mitch was there too, who poured her some orange juice as he wished her a happy birthday as well. Jason said she should be sitting down at the table while everyone else got her the food she wanted. She giggled.

Willy and Kappy arrived together. Kappy wished her a quick happy birthday before he started to get his food. Willy lingered by her. “You talk to your parents yet?”

“They called me this morning, yeah.”

“Siena?”

“We’re FaceTiming after practice.”

William nodded his head understandingly. “Happy birthday,” he smiled softly.

She smiled equally as softly. “Thanks.”

“You gonna be blasting that Taylor Swift song or what?” Travis Dermott asked he appeared beside them, plate piled high with scrambled eggs and bacon. “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-twoooOooOOOooo!” he sang aloud in a horrible high-pitched voice, definitely trying to mimic Taylor Swift but of course failing miserably.

William set down his plate and put his hands over his hears dramatically. Travis began dancing while trying not to have the bacon spill over his plate. Aberdeen couldn’t help but laugh. “Were you doing that when you turned 22?” she asked.

“You bet! That song was on a 24 hour loop,” he smiled.

“Poor Kat.”

“She lived. So what’s your birthday wish?”

“For you guys to win tonight,” she winked.

“We can make that happen,” he winked back. “Can’t we, Willy?”

“My ear drums burst after your awful singing. What did you say?”

“I said WE CAN WIN TONIGHT, CAN’T WE?” he yelled so loud other patrons in the eating area looked towards them.

Aberdeen shielded her face and William turned completely around so they couldn’t see his face. “You’re the worst, pal,” William said to Travis. “And by the way,” he shifted focus to Aberdeen, “we’re definitely winning the game tonight. For you and only you. Bust also so that we don’t have to hear any more of that.”

***

“Did the boys promise you they’d win for your birthday?” Brendan asked Aberdeen as they walked together through the halls to their box for the game.

“They did,” she nodded. “This morning at breakfast.”

“Think they’ll be able to do it?” he asked. They both flashed their credentials to the security guard who let them through easily. Aberdeen could even see Kyle down at the other end of the hallway waiting.

She shrugged her shoulders. “I hope so. It would be kind of nice.”

“No hoping,” Brendan shook his head. “Do you have faith they can win the game tonight for your birthday?” he asked again, his voice sterner.

“Yes,” she answered automatically, nodding her head. She did have faith in them. She had faith that William would probably show off tonight like he showed off when Siena was in the building in Ottawa, but she wasn’t exactly going to vocalize that out loud. “Do you?”

He took a moment to think about it as he looked at her. It wasn’t an automatic reaction like hers was. “Yes,” he finally said. “Because I know how much they adore you.”

***

“Look at him fuckin’ go,” Kyle said with a giant smirk on his face as he watched the replay of William’s goal. It was beautiful. The Leafs were on a powerplay and he was sitting pretty right in front of the net. After a feed from Mitch not going exactly where he wanted it go, William ended up sneaking it in between his legs and putting it in the net, top shelf. Bardown. Beautiful.

“He just surpassed his dad in goals not even two weeks ago and now this. Now he’s just showing off,” Brendan giggled, looking at the replay himself.

Aberdeen watched replay after replay. “This is absolutely unbelievable by Nylander” she heard the announcer say as he broke down the play and the goal. She was so enamoured by the coverage and the breakdown and the smile on his face at the end of it that she almost didn’t notice what Brendan whispered to Kyle.

“Think he’s showing off for someone?”

***

Brendan made sure he and Aberdeen took their time walking down to the locker room after the 4-3 win. He made sure to have his cell phone constantly in his hand, waiting for the right text to come through. He made sure that when he did, he hurried down there with her tagging along.

Aberdeen followed Brendan into the locker room. Brendan nodded at Sheldon. Sheldon nodded at him.

“Alright boys! Everyone get in here!” Sheldon yelled out to the team. Everyone settled down and came back in the locker room, either standing or sitting in their stalls, their gear half on or half off and their hair still sweaty from the game. Brendan and Aberdeen were in the back, standing just in front of one of the entrances, making sure not to block Jack Campbell’s view. “We came back hard tonight. We showed them what we were made of. We held them off in the third period. We stuck with our game. Willy with that game winning goal that I’m sure is gonna be on every highlight reel this season,” Sheldon smiled, and some of the boys clapped and whooped for him. “It was a good fight. It was a good…hey…hey wait. Where’s Spezza?” he asked, furrowing his brows. “Where’s Spezz?”

Everybody began looking around the room. Even Aberdeen started looking. “Spezz?” Tyson asked really loudly.

Silence.

And then…

“Haaaaaaaaaappy biiiiiiirthday to yoooooouuuuu…”

Out of the corner of her eye, Aberdeen saw Jason walk into the locker room carrying a giant slab cake, with 22 candles lit up throughout. It started with just his voice, but as the words dragged on, more voices joined. She saw giant smiles on the entire locker room’s faces as they sang along, and she immediately covered her face in embarrassment, getting way too emotional. Even the cameraman that they sometimes brought on road trips to film content for Blueprints was filming her.

“Haaaaaaaaaappy biiiiiiirthday to yoooooouuuuu…Haaapppy Biiirthdaaayyy dear Aaaaaaaberdeeeeeeeeeen, haaaaaaaaaappy biiiiiiirthday to yoooooouuuuu!”

The entire locker room began cheering and clapping loudly. Aberdeen couldn’t believe it. She shook her head at everything that was happening – the cake, the singing, the filming, the shit-eating grins on everyone’s faces, particularly Jason’s and Brendan’s – and blew out her candles in one big blow, causing everyone to cheer even louder than before. She knew she had an embarrassed look on her face – because she truly wasn’t expecting anything like this – but she was so grateful for the gesture. Her eyes were even tearing up, though she didn’t know why.

“Aberdeen, I think I speak for everyone when I say we wish you a very, very happy birthday in your twenty-second year of life,” Brendan began. “You came into our lives in September, and since then, we’ve grown more and more in love with you, your outfits, the books you bring on the plane…” he motioned with his hands for the guys to pitch in.

“Your no-nonsense attitude!” Jason contributed.

“Your rockstar Halloween costumes!” Travis yelled.

“Your Willy fashion roasting!” Kappy yelled.

Everybody laughed. Brendan laughed too before focusing back on her. “From the streets of good ol’ Etobicoke to 50 Bay Street…you’ll always be part of the Maple Leafs family, Aberdeen. Always.”

Aberdeen’s breath hitched in her throat. She nodded her head. Those were some very kind words from a very powerful man, and she knew just how much they meant. And the fact that he was saying it in front of the team meant so much more. She thought it would be over and done with, but Kappy and Travis had other plans. “Speeeeeeeech! Speeeeeeeech!” they chanted. “Speeeeeeeeeech!” everyone else followed, expecting it like she’d just won an Oscar.

(Maybe she deserved one, since she’d been sneaking around with William and nobody seemed to be the wiser.)

“There’s not a lot I’m gonna be able to say without crying,” she said, still shaking her head. She was still very well aware that the cameraman was still recording. “But seriously, thank you guys so much. This means a lot to me, considering how much of a family we are here. You guys, I…I can’t say enough about you guys. Honestly. But for how much you might love me, I hope you guys know how much I love you all too…”

The guys began clapping when they realized she really couldn’t say anything else because she would have gotten emotional. But it was Brendan who spoke and eliminated the feeling by screaming “ONE MORE TIME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABERDEEN!”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!” they all rushed towards her screaming, engulfing her in a giant mob as she screamed at the fact that twenty-plus men were about the crowd her like she was a fellow hockey player. The only one who didn’t was Jason so he could save the cake. Thank God.

“The gift!”

“Where’s the gift?!”

“Somebody get the gift!!!”

Aberdeen furrowed her brows. Mitch ran from where Jason had come from, hockey pants and socks still on, and brought out a giant box from the back. He placed in right in front of Aberdeen. “What did you guys do?”

“We started thinking about it at the beginning of the month—” Kasperi began, but Jason quickly cut him off.

“—Jen and Bee said we should get you something. But I mean we all thought of the idea of what to get you,” he said, throwing a look towards Kappy. “John went out and bought it, but like we all pitched in.”

Aberdeen kept unwrapped until she tore a part of the wrapping paper and saw the Louis Vuitton logo on the box. She gasped out loud. She didn’t care that everybody in the room was watching her at this point. “Whaaaaaaat did you guys do?!” she shrieked, ripping off the paper even quicker now. When the wrapping paper was off and she opened the box, she gasped dramatically. Everybody had pitched in to buy her a Louis Vuitton Keepall Bandoulière carry-on bag in the damier azur canvas colour. “Are you for real?!” she asked, delicately moving the tissue paper to the side and taking the luggage bag out of the box.

“You like it?” Jason was smiling at her reaction.

“Now we all match with our Louis Vuitton!” Auston winked.

“Yeah, and now you can’t make fun of my fashion anymore!” William yelled.

“Oh yes I can,” Aberdeen replied automatically, not even looking at him – still admiring her new bag too much. “Seriously—I—what made you all decide you were going to get me Louis freaking Vuitton?”

“You roasting Willy’s fashion choices, actually,” Jason laughed out. Brendan laughed too. “Just thought you deserved something nice too, for putting up with us all the time.”

“I’m still making fun of Willy’s fashion choices,” she deadpanned.

“We figured.”

Aberdeen didn’t know who cut the cake. All she knew was that she was handed a piece once she was done groveling over her new bag. She didn’t know when the music started playing. All she knew was someone took her phone and started blasting her Spotify, and a weird variety of songs came on: “Vossi Bop” by Stormzy, which most of the guys vibed to; “Dancing Queen” by ABBA, because of course; and “(Dancin’) On A Saturday Night” by Barry Blue, which caused Tyson to grab her and start dancing with her comically. The guys were eating cake and taking off their gear. The media was still peeking in though their time and interviews had long gone. She wondered if they got pieces of cake.

When everything was said and done, everybody loaded onto the bus to get back to the hotel. She still had a stupid smile on her face as everyone filed in, carrying the box in her hands like a party-size pizza. She put it onto the seat beside her before taking out her phone to respond to some of the last messages she got from her friends, and saw some notifications that piqued her interest.

@kristenshilton: Leafs are celebrating a birthday in the locker room after their Tampa game. Cake and everything. I’m told that it’s chocolate.

@kristenshilton: ‘Vossi Bop’ by UK rapper Stormzy is playing. Nylander tells me, “It came up on Aberdeen’s phone. It’s her birthday. We promised we’d win the game for her.”

Aberdeen Bloom, in question: Brendan Shanahan’s personal assistant.

Aberdeen wondered if this was the first time her name had been put out there by the media. She honestly had never searched her name on Twitter before so she had no clue. Now that it was out in the open, what would happen? What would Brendan say? Would he want it out there? She didn’t have the answers. The only thing she knew was that it didn’t matter right now, because it was her 22nd birthday. She could deal with it later – if she even needed to deal with it.

She went through her unanswered texts and Instagram messages thanking everybody for their birthday wishes. Just as she was about the locker her phone again, she opened her email inbox, noticing a few spam emails from sites she’d signed up for.

But one in particular caught her eye. She opened it immediately.

Dear Ms. Bloom,

Thank you for your submission to the “Memoirs” section of Toronto Life. We have read your essay “Maple Leaf For…Now” but regret to inform you that our team of editors has decided not to publish the essay. We thank you for your time and submission.

Best regards,

Sandy Miller, Senior Editor at Toronto Life Magazine

She immediately closed the email. She didn’t need to read it twice. She didn’t need to dwell on the feeling of being rejected. Again.

It was a quick drive back to the hotel. She followed everybody up to their respective floors and rooms, getting some final happy birthdays before she opened her own door and escaped into her own room. She put the giant box next to her luggage – she’d wonder how she was going to handle the packing tomorrow. She took her phone out of her pocket, seeing a text from William already.

i’ll let u know when i’m coming maybe 20-30 mins? the guys are pretty hyped and i want to make sure they’re in bed

Ok. No problem.

brendan was right tonight u know we all fell in love with u from the beginning i hope u know that

😇

She waited patiently yet impatiently. During the time she was waiting for him, she’d washed off all her makeup, took a quick shower, and even changed into her pajamas. She debated whether or not she should greet him with a sheetmask on, but then she figured that it was her birthday and he’d probably want to kiss her all night, so she decided against it, even as a joke. There was no way she’d waste a sheet mask.

She was sitting on her bed scrolling through her phone when she got the text from Willy. She prepared herself, and when she heard the slight knock on her door, she practically jumped out of bed and ran to the door. She opened it quickly. “Hey,” she smiled, closing the door behind him, even locking it for good measure.

“Hey.”

“What a goal tonight, Will!” she giggled as he got closer, wrapping his arms around her.

“For you,” was all he said. He apparently didn’t want to talk hockey – regardless of how pretty his goal was – or waste any more time. He just began kissing her. Big, open-mouthed, passionate kisses as he walked them towards her bed, falling on top of it when it reached the back of Aberdeen’s knees. Like many times before, they were making out like teenagers; they couldn’t help it. William found her insatiable, and Aberdeen found him just as much, if not more insatiable. She snaked her hands underneath his hoodie and took it off, leaving him shirtless. He did the same to her, leaving her topless in her bed.

“Aberdeen?” he mumbled against the skin between her breasts after what felt like hours of kissing, touching, and grinding against each other’s bodies.

“Yeah?” she managed to get out, though she could feel how hot her body was.

“Can I taste you?”

“Huh?” she blurted out in the most vulgar way that was humanly possible, completely embarrassing herself. She was sure William was going walk out the door right now and never turn back.

William snorted. “Can I taste you?” he asked again, slower, with a dumb smile on his face as he looked up at her.

“I…I…” her chest began to heave slightly. “I mean…okay. But um…I’ve never…” she kept trying to find the right words, but when she thought about what she actually needed to say, it just made her more embarrassed and more prone to stutter out her response. “I mean, I’ve never had…you know, anyone go down on me before.”

William stopped, furrowing his brows. “Wait…you’ve…you’ve never—”

“No.”

“You haven’t been eaten out before?”

“No.”

William seemed shocked. “But you…you’ve had boyfriends…?”

“Yes, Will. God.”

“So…” he was trying to piece everything together. “That guy I met, Zane or whatever his name was…he never ate you out in the entire year you dated?” he asked. Aberdeen shook her head. “What kind assholes did you date?” he shrieked.

“Arrrrrggghhhhh,” Aberdeen grumbled, covering her face with her hands in complete embarrassment. “This is so embarrassing!”

“Noooo no no no, come on, it’s okay,” William kept repeating and cooing as he pushed himself back up, one hand placing itself on her stomach to caress the skin there and on her sides while he leaned on his other arm. “Aberdeen, come on. It’s okay.”

“Is it though? Is it really?” she was peeking through her fingers like a kid.

“Of course it is,” he assured her. “It means I get to be the first one.” Aberdeen removed her hand from in front of her eyes so she could give him a look. “Was there a reason why it never happened?”

Aberdeen shrugged. “I mean…I’ve always been a bit self-conscious about it. Like about how I’d react or how I’d, like…taste,” she used his own words. “But Zane said he didn’t like to go down on girls, so I sort of never, like, asked for it. He was like that from the beginning. And I felt embarrassed to ask if I was just gonna get shot down. I mean…I wanted to try it. He just never would.”

“Did you give him blowjobs?”

Aberdeen knew she shouldn’t be getting uncomfortable, because she was with William and she was comfortable with him and trusted him completely, but it was a direct line of questioning she wasn’t used to. Though she talked about her hookups or past boyfriends with Siena or people like Kasha, she didn’t go into extreme depth like that. “Yeah…a whole bunch of them, actually…” she admitted.

She watched as William shook his head, getting angry. “That guy was a fucking asshole, and I’ll look through every stupid fucking cubicle in the city if I have to so I can punch him in the face for you.”

Aberdeen let out a sigh, running her fingers through his hair to push it back. “Does that make me lame? Be honest.”

“No, minskatt. It does not make you lame,” William asserted. He brought his hand up to caress her face, and trailed his fingers up to her new scar just above her eyebrow. He touched it delicately and she didn’t wince. “Listen…I want to taste you. I want to make you feel good,” he continued softly. “I know you’re nervous. It’s okay. I promise that I’ll go slow, okay? And I’ll stop whenever you tell me to stop.”

Aberdeen was nervous – perhaps more nervous than she’d ever been – but she nodded her head. “Okay,” she said.

“You’re sure?” William confirmed with her one more time.

“Yeah,” she nodded again. “I’m sure. Just…go slow.”

He’d heard her request those words before. “I will, minskatt. I love you.”

“I love you too, Willy.”

He began kissing her again, trying to get her as comfortable and relaxed as possible – how she was before he proposed the idea. They kissed again for a long time, William making sure he could sense her comfortability before he began to move down, running his lips and tongue down to her chest. His lips left her skin only to take off her pajama pants and underwear, slipping them off slowly at the same time before discarding them to the side. He could feel her shiver. “You alright?” he asked. She nodded her head. “I’m going to make you feel great, I promise.”

“You better.”

They both giggled slightly. “Just tell me when to stop if you want me to stop.”

“Okay.”

He continued to kiss his way down her body, eventually spreading her legs open and settling in between them. He could feel her take a deep breath, so he kissed some more – along her belly button, her hips, on the insides of her thighs. When he did that, there was another shiver. “Minskatt?”

“What?” she asked, like she was having trouble even getting the word out.

“Hold my hand.”

Aberdeen looked down. Seeing his face in between her thighs was quite the sight to behold. She grabbed onto one of his hands and intertwined their fingers. She could feel his thumb rubbing her hand assuredly. She didn’t think the first flick of the tongue to taste her was coming so soon. But as she felt his tongue along her folds, she flinched slightly out of surprise more than anything, squeezing his hand. “Oh fuck,” she sighed out, her hips bucking.

With his free arm, he pushed gently back on to the bed. “Was that okay?” he asked, his mouth still dangerously close to her lips so that when she spoke, she still felt them move against her. She nodded quickly. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” she said firmly, her response automatic. “K—Keep going. It felt good.”

Aberdeen looked down, only to make eye contact with him before he dived in again. Her eyes rolled to the back as William continued lapping at her, making her feel better and better with each stroke of his tongue. Soon, there were no nerves anymore – no worries about how she tasted or how she’d never done this before – and her body was doing the talking, squirming and writhing and sighing, her little oh fuck and oh my god comments the fuel William wanted, needed, to keep doing what he was doing. He did everything – quick flicks of the tongue, long laps from bottom-to-top, top-to-bottom, and sucking and licking like he was drinking a thick milkshake, making sure Aberdeen got the full experience.

Her moans were his music. At one point she had let go of his hand so she could bunch the bedsheets in her fists. He could hear her huffs and sighs. “S’at feel good?” he asked quickly.

“God, yes,” Aberdeen whispered, her voice so soft and so full of innocence at the new feeling of it all that William almost came himself right then and there.

“You taste so sweet for me, Aberdeen. You’re so sweet and it’s all for me,” he said, his voice low and full of lust and Aberdeen almost came right then and there.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuck, Willy,” she couldn’t say much more. When he lapped at her with his flat tongue immediately after, she instinctively went to grab and tug on his hair. He’d made it a personal goal that he would make her come with just his tongue, and his groan in response and the vibration from it made her whimper. “Willy—I—Willy—”

He did it again, and she cried out. With his face so firmly planted on her pussy and with her tugging at his hair and making sure he stayed down there, the feeling was almost too much, but she knew she wanted him to keep going. She knew she wanted the build-up. She knew she wanted it to last as long as it could – as long as was physically possible for Willy – because this was, perhaps, the best feeling she’d ever felt.

The fact she was getting louder made Willy know she was enjoying it. She’d moved on from squirms to moans, and now from moans to audible cries, words frantic and scarcely used but enough so that he knew he was doing a good job and she wanted him to keep going. He kept up his movements so he could keep hearing her, the tugging of his hair bringing him the same kind of pleasure as he was currently giving her.

Then Aberdeen went a bit quiet. William didn’t like that. He looked up at her as he was still licking and noticed she was staring up at the ceiling. He squeezed her hand to get her attention. “You okay?”

She looked down and saw how wet his lips were – how her juices were all over his mouth, really, and she could have fucking cried. It was one of the hottest things she’d ever seen. “I feel really close,” she whispered, her voice strained. She’d been moaning and crying out for so long that he was surprised she even had one left. “I—fuck Willy—I feel so close.”

William wanted to make sure any part of her that was still holding back – if there was any left – didn’t hold back at all. He made sure he was making eye contact with her. “Come all over my face Aberdeen. Come for me. Now.”

Aberdeen had never been so turned on. He lapped and sucked once more and within seconds she was a screaming, writhing mess. She couldn’t be quiet. It was impossible. As her orgasm overcame her, flooding her entire body with pleasure, she tried to stop her legs from clamping together and squeezing William’s head in between her thighs. He didn’t care. William moved with each squirm, each scream, each buck of the hips, never once taking his mouth off her pussy as she came long and hard and completely, not once. She screamed and huffed and moaned until she couldn’t anymore, until her throat was dry. When she felt herself finally coming down from her orgasm – earth-shattering orgasm, really, if we’re being specific – she looked down at saw William already looking at her, smiling, her juices all over his lips and face, and she knew it was a sight that would be permanently etched in her mind.

When Aberdeen regained basic consciousness, she could feel William kissing the insides of her thighs again as he was chuckling slightly. He kissed his way back up to her, and when his lips landed on hers, she let out her last moan she had in her as she tasted herself on his lips. “You taste incredible,” he said once they finished kissing, looking right into her eyes as he licked his lips.

“I can’t believe that was what I was missing this entire time,” she said. “Zane’s a fucking asshole.”

William chuckled louder this time, nuzzling himself into her neck as he placed light butterfly kisses there. “I told you,” he said. “It felt good for you?”

She nodded. “It felt incredible. I’m serious. You’re going to turn me into one of those nymphomaniacs.”

“What did you like the most?”

“All of it,” she said immediately, because it was true. There was absolutely nothing that she didn’t like. As she felt his body rest beside hers, his lips still lingering on the skin of her neck, she could feel his erection. She turned a bit so she could look him in the eye, kissing him quickly. “D’you want me to take care of that?”

“No no,” he shook his head. She didn’t understand, especially since he was rock hard. She couldn’t believe him going down on her made him so aroused. “This is all about you. I’ll take care of it.”

“Willy—”

“It’s okay, minskatt. I’ll take care of it,” he said, giving her a kiss before rolling over and getting off the bed. She watched as he disappeared into the washroom and closed the door behind him. She couldn’t think of anything else to do, laying in the bed completely naked thinking about what had just happened, until she thought to grab her underwear and put them back on. She kept herself topless though, as maybe a little treat to William, as she went back to thinking about the feeling of his tongue on her folds, shivering as she remembered.

William was in there for a while before he came back out, seemingly having taken care of it, and climbed back into bed with her. He placed kisses on her breasts and nipples before moving to her neck and finally her lips, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closed against his body. He was topless, too, but kept his boxers on. “I love you, minskatt,” he whispered.

“I love you too Willy,” she said, his body heat and warmth she felt lulling her to sleep so quickly. “Thank you for being my first for that.”

He smiled. “The pleasure was all mine. Go to sleep, minskatt. Go to sleep.”

***

The next morning, William was still in bed with Aberdeen. They’d hardly moved, limbs still intertwined and still holding on to each other like the other would float away. Aberdeen woke up first, her eyes gently opening, noticing and appreciating how close she was to Will. Instinctively – really, she couldn’t help herself – she brought a hand up to his face, barely touching it with her fingertips. The stubble along his jawline and cheeks. The curve of his perfect nose. His soft, sweet lips. He was truly so beautiful. She couldn’t believe he was hers. She couldn’t believe she was his. It was a magical thing to wake up in William Nylander’s arms, knowing that he loved her, and knowing that she loved him.

He shifted slightly, letting her know he was awake – or at least waking up. “Minskatt?” he mumbled, barely audible, before he even opened his eyes.

“I’m right here,” she said in an equally soft voice.

He opened his eyes. He smiled sleepily once he saw how close they were and sighed contently. “I dreamt we were in Sweden,” he whispered.

Aberdeen felt a shiver run up her spine. “Yeah?”

He nodded. “My family was there. My sisters loved you. Alex too. You were sitting by the lake at our house in the country,” he said. “Your hair was down and you were looking over your shoulder back at me. It was perfect.”

Aberdeen couldn’t help but smile. His voice was so soft and his emotion so innocent. “Tell me more.”

“You had on a pretty dress. The sky was blue. So was the water. We could do what we wanted and nobody cared. We could be open with our love and it was so beautiful.”

She felt a small pang of guilt at that. At this point, she knew how bad they both wanted to be out in the open, but life dictated that they couldn’t. She couldn’t just up and quit her job and lose her income. They needed to ride out the wave. It would happen eventually; it just couldn’t happen now. “I’m sorry that we can’t,” she whispered, caressing his face again.

“Don’t apologize, minskatt. We will one day. You’re still the best thing in my life and always will be. I’ll wait forever if I have to.”

It was that statement that got Aberdeen emotional. Here he was dreaming about her in Sweden with him and his family, freely showing their love, but the reality was that couldn’t happen. Yet he said he would wait forever. She wasn’t sure about that. No guy had waited for her before. “But you’ve been waiting already for so long,” she whispered, her eyes welling with tears. “Why are you waiting for so long? Any other guy would have given up and moved on already. Why haven’t you?”

“Shhh, Aberdeen, stop,” he said, squeezing her tighter. “Don’t you get—Aberdeen, you’re it for me. I don’t care that I’m waiting to be out in the open with you. I will wait however long you want me to, alright? You’ll always have me. No matter what happens. You’ll always have me.”

Aberdeen nodded. There was nothing she could say to that. Her heart felt so full at his words. He’d wait. He’d wait as long as he needed to. He loved her. He adored her. She was it for him. “I love you, Willy.”

“I love you too Aberdeen. So much,” he kissed the tip of her nose.

Aberdeen kissed him on his lips, needing to feel them against hers. Like always, they couldn’t stop. “Make love to me Willy…before you have to go.”

He did. It was slow and it was sensual and it was tender and it was everything she could have wanted, needed that morning in bed with him. And afterwards, when he had to put his clothes on and sneak out back to his room, he sat on the edge of the bed and kissed her. “Jag tänker på dig när jag inte ens tanker,” he whispered against her lips.

Aberdeen smiled. She didn’t know Swedish but she knew those words. They were theirs. Theirs and only theirs. Which is why she repeated them back to him. “I think about you when I’m not even thinking.”

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