#rn i dont post a lot about any other systems so idk if its super necessary but it feels weird tagging everything as dnd

[crunchycrystals]

should i turn my dnd tag into a general ttrpg tag

[elftwink]

so this is from someone who also actively plays in and dms campaigns with other systems but personally i love dnd partly because i like the number of arcane rules. i think part of what it is, is my table experiences have been so combat-lite that for me the system has just become tools for solving puzzles and situations. encounters are so few and far between with my usual dm that they become very intense and scary when they do happen, and you can maybe say well that's dnd guy cope to say that this combat sim is better without the combat, and that probably is true. the best version of dnd for me like if i were writing 6e would be to shift the game's mechanical focus away from combat, increase the prominence of utility/ roleplay oriented spells and skills, and encourage DMs not to rely on combat to fill space in the game

yes!! ik im being a hater in my posts rn but i also love dnd, and especially the magic and spell system. it's not perfect obviously, but i have yet to find a ttrpg whose magic system is as engaging to me personally as dnd is. idk it's like exactly the right amount of rules to feel very bound by them while still leaving wiggle room for creative magic choices (either by way of flavour which is whatever you make of it, or by way of doing something that is Technically covered by the spell but probably not intended, which almost always fucks extremely hard).

& also i agree that dnd is kind of too combat focused, and i actually do think it would be better with less (although i suspect that given theres a pretty large contingent of dnd players who play mostly or solely combat, i dont think this is a universal opinion lol), or at the very least if it didn't feel like it dominated the meta decisions you have to make. like when i take new spells i often have to deliberate between the cool utility spell i actually want to take that has no damage component, and the damage based spell that will keep me viable in combat. i wish often these choices were less at odds with each other, or at least if you had a character who needed to be carried through combat that they would have more utility in non-combat scenarios instead of just kind of feeling like dead weight (now i sound like someone who should try another system, lol. but its more varied spells in the existing dnd system that i want!)

also i kind of think dnd has a problem esp at the mid level with keeping combat high stakes and genuinely scary, which is a whole other post where i could ramble lol, but honestly in terms of per table solutions "do combat a lot less" sounds like actually an extremely good way to deal with it. the worst thing in dnd is when combat starts to feel repetitive and like a slog. if it happens rarely it just so so so much easier to avoid that. i could say much more about this but ive already been typing this ask for a gazillion years but the point is i'm stealing your dms tactics for next time i run a game

also to contextualize my baseless haterism posts, i just want to clarify that i don't care in any way if someone plays only 5e/dnd and refuses to play other systems. this is whatever. what annoys me is when such people insist this is because every other game on earth is worse than dnd at everything, somehow, even though they do not know the full rules of dnd and are not super interested in learning. there's a lot to be found there in dnd but you have to like, engage with it. your dm cant read it for you. & its always more fun to be at a table where everyone knows wtf is going on than with players who barely know enough to scrape by and treat the DM like a rules dispensing machine

anyway. your 6e ideas sound awesome, especially more utility spells pleaseeee wotc. life could be so beautiful

[spirit-shroud]

Fanfix ask: I N K Q V Z

hewwo! ♥ from this ask

I: How many fandoms have you written in?  Do you have a favorite? technically, i’ve written fanfic for d gay man, h*mestuck, toontown, w*zard101, world of wardumb, undered tale, deltaed runes, hyperlifter, bard game, moonlighter, oneshot, dust: AET, Portal, no.6, and more recently, pokemon. i only have ut/os/swsh up on my ao3 tho because most other stuff is Very Old or just generally incomplete/not the general vibe of the fandom lol

undert*le was fun to write for just because of how rapidly my hits/kudos/comments went up but tbh i really only wrote for it because of the attention my fics got even tho they werent like.... remotely good. half of that is  looking back on my past work and cringing just bc it’s my past work but like. idk. im really hoping that writing swsh stuff will be a similar high but it’s something i feel a lot better taking my time and putting actual effort into my writing for 

N: Any fic ideas brewing that you’d care to share? oh always, heres some upcoming chapters of legendsfor the ones im actively working on/have been adding to lately: Tangled in Glimwood - the usual two end up dangerously lost in the glimwood tangle and have to set up camp for the night, armed with like, half a steel move and a trusty cast iron frying pan between them to make sure they’re safe from all the rude ass fairies. includes fun friendly banter such as ‘hop i swear to god you CANNOT eat the glowing mushrooms they are DEFINITELY SUPER POISONOUS’ and ‘this is why nobody in your family has any taste buds left’ and ‘do you think phantumps remember being alive? do they have any of their memories? if we both became phantumps, do you think we’d recognize each other and keep being friends? is that weird to think about?”  Hopscotch - hop has always been there for reader, so when his spirit gets crushed by bede, you step in and offer emotional support and it’s mushy as all hell. this fic entirely is being written bc i’m pissed there’s no option to hug hop during the game. i cant summarize it either its just ‘hop feels bad so you do something about it like a good friend instead of a Silent Protagonist Bastard Fool’ 

Striped Pajamas - a semi-sequel-but-not-really? a sequel if you squint? to sea vents where marnie, hop, and reader hang out again and have a sleep over and like. play video games together and it’s NICE they have FUN and my girl SMILES FOR REAL BC ITS WHAT SHE DESERVES 

Homecoming - reader + leon have been together for awhile and he’s bringing them home to meet his mom+little bro. it’s mostly uneventful and even awkward, as i’d imagine that kind of thing would be, so reader spends most of their time hanging out w this neglected nine year old child who really wants to show them his craftmine builds and amaze his future sibling-in-law with his intensive knowledge of Weird Science Facts

Pink and Blue - y’kno who’s nice? piers. optimal bro material. a lot of exhausted gay energy in this dude. this one is like. post-championship cup reader + hop just adopt this poor washed up man since they’re sad kids seeking guidance and he’s a sadder adult with too much time on his hands now that he isn’t a gym leader. sort of like, a ‘mentor who’s life is falling apart needs a new son’ sort of trope bc that’s pretty optimal. 

this got kinda lengthy but i do have more bc i have WIP Disease ™

K:  Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)? idk how to actually define ‘guilty pleasure’ tbh. like. i like what i like and that’s all there is to it. x reader fanfic is a circus and i’m the ringmaster, bitch

Q: Do you like getting prompts from your readers? yes!! always!! i need to update my writing request page on my blog n maybe people will like. send me some dkfjhsgkjdhfg

V: Are there certain comments you’ve received on your stories that have stuck with you? its not a specific comment but ive been thinkin like. daily abt that guy who lovingly commented on 15/17 of my und*rtale fic collection despite it being very clearly abandoned for years. like. i still need to come up w a new chapter to thank em but i just dont have any un*ertale juice in my system rn 

Z: Is there a story you’ve written that doesn’t seem to get much love? not really tbh, like, i think out of the 5 fics i have on ao3 rn (fragmented, speechless, bad dialogue, my burden is light, day to day legends) they all have the expected amount of hits/kudos per their audiences. id really like some comments on ch1 of d2dl before i got ch2 posted but it doesn’t really bother me too much that there isnt any yet. its 1 chapter and it’s been only a week lol 

i also wish mbil had more comments but also the one hot fandom isn’t very large, the x reader one hot community is even smaller, and i havent updated that in like. a year dkfgjdhfg

[perfcell]

Do you have any tips or pieces of advice for someone who's looking to start up an rp blog for a character? I have plenty of experience roleplaying, but none of it is with tumblr.

//OH sure sure !! 

lets get the technical stuff out first, make the account for your new blog in advance, before you prepare anything else because tumblr has this anti-bots security system in place which doesnt allow new blog’s posts to show up in the tags (and tags such as #indie rp, #anime rp, #insert show here rp are pretty important in getting ur blog out there). you’ll also have to follow some people, get followed back by at least one, reblog+like some posts before your stuff starts showing up in the tags

of course u can disregard the whole promotion thing and just follow people and wait for them to follow you back, but if u want new people to find you without you actively looking for them, its good to drop something in the rp tag. but again, you dont have to do any of this.

ALSO IM PUTTING THE REST UNDER READ MORE BC IT GOT LENGTHY:

so heres stuff you can prepare (or not, its totally up to you !!)

icons - a relict of dreamwidth era , not necessary but i find that they add some zest to the interactions so personally, im a fan. usually 100px x 100px u can make them fancy or not, your choice. just get some basic facial expressions (but again, you dont NEED them)

themes - some rpers pay a lot of attention to blog themes, i used to be like that but tbh rn i dont think anything beats a nice basic theme w/ a readable font. hit up theme hunter and snag a theme u like !!! OR DON’T, thats totally up to you !!! 

also you can set your blog to dash only in the blog’s settings which means u dont have to bother w/ a theme !! its a popular thing in rpc nowadays !!!

oh and just a hint – id avoid using somebody’s art for icons or elements of theme… i mean sure u can credit them but hardly anybody looks at credits so idk id just avoid it altogether cuz the artists dont like that and theyre absolutely right. i used to use peoples art for icons and i had some artists reach out to me and ask that i dont do that and tbh now i cringe at my past-self for not seeing that its soo disrespectful of the artists

what to put on blog: 

about page - its a page where rpers put some basic information about the character they write as. it can be super important if youre writing as an OC (not many people will follow an OC if they dont know anything about them tbh) !!! if youre writing a canon character u can just resort to filling out a basic dossier (like listing their name, age, whatever… YOU CAN USE THIS and fill out what u like). or you know, do whatever. on cell, i just wrote a piece of Something and linked his wikipedia page lol. do what you feel like, its just a thing in rp community. 

rules page - slightly more important. this is where you set boundaries and introduce yourself ooc. after introductions ur expected to tell people what’s NOT ok by you, for example, you say that godmodding is not ok (godmodding is when people write in their own responses what ur character is doing), maybe shipping is not ok by you, maybe u dont want to write smut ever etc. you put all of that there and any additional info you feel the need to add (for example, asking people to tag certain triggers etc). try to browse other peoples rules pages to get the feel 

verses page - some blogs have a lot of specific verses like idk, an AU in which ur character is evil etc. this is a page where u can put them and add descriptions, UP TO YOU. i find that its less important than about or rules page, focus on those 2 first, especially the rules page bc its what people usually check out first before writing with u!! add verses later !!!

how to start an rp blog: 

OK so lets say you’re prepared and ready to write. i usually post a promo to announce my Arrival to the rp market. take a look at what’s in the indie rp tag for example, just to give you an idea what ppl post there. it used to be REQUIRED to post like… a graphic advertising ur blog but tbh these days u can just drop a text post (preferably with ur icon so that people know which character u write) and you say smth like ‘HELLO, a new (character here) RP blog here!!! like/reblog if youre interested in writing with me!!’ (ofc write whats natural to you, just introduce ur blog in whatever way u feel like it– OR DONT, YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS)

BEFORE POSTING A PROMO MAKE SURE YOUR POSTS SHOW UP IN TAGS FIRST. YOU MIGHT HAVE TO FOLLOW SOME PEOPLE FIRST (refer to this) – where to find those rp blogs?? refer to tags below.

what to tag your promo with: remember that only 5 first tags will show up in the search results. so pick some good tags, i think the most important tag is #(show/movie/books name) rp. heres my promo, u can check the tags i used there and come up with your own accordingly. and also browse these tags to find people to follow, like idk, lets say u wanna rp sb from naruto, then u hit up #naruto rp and just scroll and follow ! also avoid using swear words or nsfw words in ur promo bc tumblr will censor it lol

but remember YOU DONT HAVE TO POST A PROMO, THIS IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU !!!!!

how to start WRITING on an rp blog:

ok so youve gathered some followers, now what. i usually just post a starter call! this is a post that people who want to write with you will like and you in turn will start a thread with them (doesnt have to be IMMEDIATELY, take ur time). you can also reblog rp memes which are like writing prompts people send to you (but i dont recommend starting ur rp blog w/ a memes barrage, people usually want to get to know your blog a little bit more before they send you a prompt). 

you can also wait for other people to post starter calls and then you like them (but check their rules first !!! for example, most people have a rule about being mutuals only, which means they will write you something only if youre following each other back), which also works. 

AND THATS HOW IT GOES !!! you are now writing on an rp blog. remember to take it easy and do what feels natural !!! browse some other rp blogs to get Inspired (but dont just lift things, stealing is a big no-no in the community). do what you feel comfortable with, if you dont want to make icons then dont! you’ll always find somebody who’ll write with you without icons (we just rly like them lol). be patient with others and yourself, read peoples rules, be nice, dont reblog an rp meme without sending a prompt to the person youre reblogging from (thats called reblog karma, if you dont wanna send a prompt then rb from the source), put yourself out there and UHH have fun !

[itsjesperfahey]

okay so now that i’ve wrapped my head around there being a six of crows/shadow and bone trilogy netflix tv show, i wanted to share some of my thoughts on it:

as y’all can see from my two previous posts on the subject im HELLA excited. bottom line, i cannot WAIT for this. i trust Leigh will force netflix to give this adaptation at least some of the quality it deserves. but imma just say a few things rn:

- my main issue is how theyre gonna handle the plot of the show. in terms of like, timeline, what story they’ll follow, how things will pan out.  like is this an ENTIRELY NEW STORY that takes place after crooked kingdom that’ll allow all characters from the grishaverse to co-exist? will it be the books in chronological order, switching povs of characters from both stories? thats a bit much no? or following tgt, and then switch to soc in season 4?  im assuning the first season (8 episodes) is purely for shadow and bone, as thats what its been titled so far (according to the article leigh tweeted), but i could be wrong

- what i DONT think is that theyre trying to cram tgt + soc duology into the 8 episodes, which is what i see people saying on here constantly. THEY ARENT TRYING TO CRAM ALL 5 BOOOKS IN 8 EPISODES. netflix series often have multiple seasons. im sure this wont be different. they would be insane to even attempt that.

- pls cast people accordingly (though im not super worried about this, knowing how much leigh is on our side with this matter)

- a lot of you say you didnt like tgt and that since the show is (presumably) starting off with following this series, its going to be a bad show, and get cancelled. but like. lol. first off. just cause you didnt like it doesnt mean other people wont. just cause you didnt like it doesnt necessarily mean its an objectively bad thing. and second. you vastly underestimate how the general public often LOVES any type of magical story with love triangle and pasty white boys. its MUCH easier to get someone into a tv show than a book. its a lot less commitment. you can leave a tv show on while youre chatting or cooking or something. you can’t do that with a book. it would have to be a really REALLY awful show to not pull a good enough portion of the unassuning general public (and again, i trust leigh won’t let it be that bad or at least i hope lol)

- im scared about kaz and how they’ll properly portray his trauma and personality and views on inej WITHOUT some sort of internal monolgue system (i.e his inner voice). its such a big part of kaz to be abe to hear his thoughts, i hope they find a way to do it

- i hope they don’t change kaz and inej’s relationship (i.e make them kiss or something lol)

- wylan and kuwei in ck??? will kuwei’s actor just play both roles the entire time wylan looks like kuwei? will it be cgi? idk

- i dont want to see live action matthias *** uGH

- i hope the magic doesnt look too too crummy

- @lips-and-literature brought up a good point on how SO much happens in crooked kingdom as opposed to soc, to s&b. the inej rescue, the grisha hunters, dunyasha, nina relearning her powers, the arc with colm fahey, the gangs, wylans mom, and so much more. whereas in soc it was just “we need to break into the ice court” and then they do it, and the book ends with “we broke into the ice court”. hopefully by the time soc’s season comes around, the episode count will be the usual 12-22 instead of 8. but that also depends on the episode length

- please let this be good i love my murder babies and alina starkov and i dont want them ruined. im hoping for the best dont let me down leigh

thats kinda it for now but i’ll maybe add more later. sorry for any !typos, my computer lags a lot on tumblr and the text shows up a minute after im done typing it. send me any asks if u want me to elaborate/say some more 

[theday]

minpuppy day

its 8pm here, and his birthday is almost over. im listening to day6′s stream rn and im ready to type out my essay 4 lmh 

this got so long and its a mess without proper sources whoops!!!!

SO FIRST OF ALL... lee minhyuk!!!!! the kindest boy on earth and also the most extra lmao

tbh i only became a mbb in late august so i was only present for the last 2 ep of mxray but with everything else, i had 2 catch up rip.. i watched the first episode of season 2 first bc im a dumbebe and it was the cafe/nail salon episode ?? yeah. at that point i didnt know any of them and i couldnt recognise anyone except for jooheon bc i started liking jh first i was just super confused with everyone else, minhyuk included. nobody really stood out when i watched it but i still found it extremely funny (mx are so funny every show theyve been on i always laugh its great i love it) was the next episode the party one ?? (nope) i dont remember but i dont think i focused on anyone at that time either but i noticed how minhyuk was so fucking extra with how he would give kh + hw false clues and i was like .. ‘this guy is seriously..’ and when changkyun plotted with them to abandon mh i was cheering for him tbh LOL and i got so scared for ck when minhyuk found out sbwjaiks idk ive never talked about first impression for mxray so im gonna side track a bit (a lot) and?? the way he played everyone and eventually himself (and changkyun) was so funny wtfeksmk we love an idiot?? in the animal episode, i didnt take notice of mh (again) bc he was with jh and i was 2 focused on him poor mh and mary LMAO i think throughout my first watch of mxray i didnt have that much of an impression of minhyuk other than that he is super extra?? watching their older shows like ‘right now’ and the des??koptac??? fk if i know im a fakebebe i think he grew on me more?? 

but the time where he really impacted me and made me fall for him was when i watched no.mercy?? the way he gave the flower to the judge (i lov EHR SO MUCH) (the male judges can ***** x) it really gave me the impression of how sweet minhyuk is?? and i remember when he got second last and he cried i felt so fucking bad? he loves his parents so damn much???? minhyuk is really out here being the best son/friend/group mate?? AND despite that he worked together with the other guy (im so sorry) and they did a wonderful stage?? the way minhyuk lightened the mood after the performance showki gave? that made me really think because people gave minhyuk the title of mood maker you know? and just based on that i could truly see why and after that im so happy minhyuk is with monsta x (ill talk abt this later) and im pretty sure he was the one who lost since it was like a battle (work together with your partner but youre also fighting against them) and i know how they like messed the thing up didnt they? and they told him he won but they announced the wrong name minhyuk didnt even let that get to him? he had the biggest smile on his face even though he lost? i love lee minhyuk so much?? he was happy because he and his team mate managed to show such a good performance and that makes me so proud??? 

it was probably at that point where i really started to see minhyuk as who he is??? he has a lot of sides to him honestly and i dont know all of them but from what i can see minhyuk’s just great?? i was also starting to fall deeper for monsta x as a whole and that meant finding out about past incidents and watching old vlives,, i saw ppl mentioned about how minhyuk would be there for wonho throughout his harder times?? and i watched the video where wonho actually thanks minhyuk (and other members) about that and you can just see how supportive minhyuk is of wonho? hes always there for him and not just wonho, minhyuk’s always with everyone although it is different every era?? he shows so much love to all of his members and its ?? amazing??? minhyuk’s like everybody’s support system and im jsut so!!!!! minhyuk ur doing amazing sweetie :-( 

right now back to the thing i said i said id talk abt later which is now so. i was watching the last ep of no.mercy (where they select who gets 2 debut) and i knew who were gonna debut obviously but it was still so fucking nerve wrecking???? honestly? you could see the shock on minhyuk’s face when he gets chosen as the last member. idk what he was thinking but it really hurts to think that minhyuk probably thought he wouldnt be able to get in? (i also have no idea how no.mercy works and im still a bit skeptical about it, was it all planned? etc.) and just the surprise and disbelief really??? goD ??? mh probably felt really bad about being chosen despite have 2 other suitable ppl next to him i kind of think minhyuk sometimes doubts his abilities??? back on weekly idol too where they asked him how he managed to get in and they (hyungwon?) answered with passion like?? i dont know :-// this whole para is a joke tbh bc of how much i dont trust no.mercy lol so disregard it?????

what i wanted 2 say though was how without minhyuk, i dont think monsta x would be able to be how they are today. as much as i hate to say this, performance & song wise, there wouldnt be much of a difference because of how little lines minhyuk gets (which is understandable, still makes me a tad bit mmMPH) however, the presence on shows would change so much??? minhyuk helps bring out everyones sides on shows? and maybe he doesnt and im just being bloody delusional but i believe that minhyuk plays a super important role whenever mx are on any kind of show because he’s able to ?? i dont know??? he can see whenever one of the members are feeling uncomfortable/not talking enough and he goes to them/asks them stuff im pulling this out of my ass actually ah . i dont fucking know i dont have any sources nd this is all from my shit ass memory so if u do read this and realize how inaccurate it is im sorry but thanks 4 reading lmao 

basically . minhyuk plays an important role in monsta x as more than a vocal but as a person who’s always there for his members 

ANOTHER THING. we all know of when minhyuk speaks english?? like he doesnt have to because theres changkyun but he does it anyway?? again, idk if he does it bc he wants 2 lessen the burden on changkyun (who cant speak english that well - same) or because he wants to connect with more intl fans but its sweet either way?? and its really funny the way he translates stuff too lmao 

i already saw someone else talk about this but its something i noticed too though it didnt really click unitl i saw their post about it,, back on like the radio vlive he would do with kihyun he was always setting goals for the vlive and everything but in the recent vlive with kihyun (again) he assured mbbs that they didnt need to press hearts and that they should focus on the vlive (was this mentioned or assumed???) idk but we can think he probably means that even if it was unspoken.. it really shows how much minhyuk’s grown??? he went from asking for hearts to making sure that mbbs could properly watch the vlive instead?? minhyuk really looks out for others ? when he picked out the stuff kihyun didnt like too??? he didnt even to think twice about doing it he just did it immediately?? minhyuk is so fucking sweet and he just??? thinks about the others ??? always being there for them and everything????

minhyuk is also so sososososo nice to fans? i watched that one video where he gave fans his like towel because they didnt have umbrellas and it was raining/?? yeah sure maybe thats like. basic fan idol stuff but it really says a lot about minhyuk??? he didnt have an umbrella either but he still wanted to make sure they wouldnt get sick????

in these past 2 months, ive learnt that minhyuk is more than extra, hes someone who cares for just about everybody??? he was the last member selected for monsta x but he’s constantly improved himself since then and im so proud of lee minhyuk?? so shoutout to the boy who loves his members and monbebes like theyre his family and shoutout to the boy who loves his family so much. happy birthday lee minhyuk and thank you for being born :-D 

also its 9pm now lmao and day6 are doing their last song im happy this has been fun so bye now 

[kk4pups]

2tagged by @prettyel​ oof i got this late

nicknames? most everyone calls me pups, sometimes kk but i prefer pups

gender? a gal i suppose

star sign? leo babeyyyy

height? 5″2 Ish 

time? 4;16 am

birthday? august 20

favourite bands? i dont really get into bands i just find songs and listen to them on repeat until i hate them, tho i dont have any in particular rn 

favourite solo artists? ^ but i like boyinaband 

song stuck in my head? nothin rn

last movie you watched? uhhhhhhhh dunno i dont watch em much

last show you watched? bnha was rewatchin some just 10 mins ago actually, ive rewatched the sports festival arc 13 times 

when did you create your blog? my earliest posts r from june 2014 Apparently but i watched tumblr from a distance for a good while before actually making my blog 

what do i post? whatever im into at the time, which is bnha rn, tho i rb lots of other stuff that i generally like, think that its funny, or important etc, i have no real format outside of tagging stuff and even then my tagging system is Barely there

last thing i googled? “uraraka casual clothes” i uh, was making a uraraka sim JKJDSSKDFJF it looks Nothing like her all my bnha sims look nothin like the chars theyre supposed to be so far, makin anime sims is, not easy, either that or im very bad at making sims, probably both

do you have any other blogs? yeah i run a splatoon screenshot blog @/squidshots, tho its kinda poorly run bc getting the screenshots is tedious so it doesnt update as reglarly as id like it to 

do you get asks? not often, occasionally but i think most of em r my friends which w/e i enjoy them anyway

why did you choose your url? bc my dad told me “we think ur old enough to have an email” when i was 12 ish (mind u i Never even asked lol) and he was like “how does kk4pups sound for the address? ur nickname is kk and ur 4 pups so” and i was like “uhh i Guess” i used it for a game later and it stuck, kk is a nickname based off my first two initials for context, and i was very very obsessed with dogs for the first decade of my life, so, yah, i really like it tho thanks dad lmao

following? 326 

followers? 251 and i just blocked 2 bots

favourite colors? dandelion yellow, hot/magenta pink, ms paint cyan, r and have always been my 3 favs since i knew and understood what colors are, if youve seen my fursona, like those colors, tho i like most colors

average hours of sleep? anywhere between 2 and 12

lucky number? 3

instruments? *vague iunno noise*

what am i wearing? overwatch logo tee, plaid red/brown/white pj pants that also have polka dots (not as ugly as it sounds trust me), one halloween sock, and one st. patricks day sock, clearly, i am a true fashion icon 

how many blankets do i sleep with? 2-3

dream job? i wanna write cartoons babey! but realistically im probably gonna b homeless and dead in a ditch, cant wait!

dream vacation? not sure? ive thought about it a Lot n im really conflicted! on oneee hand just hangin out at zachs house and the general area where zach lives (bc i lived there too for awhile) and just visiting all the places i used to go sounds super nice but on the other handd a roadtrip w zach and erin over the states sounds super fun, but on Another hand a disney trip w them sounds really fun too, but on a Fourth hand id love to see seattle bc? its the ideal place for me to live but since i dont know where my (hopeful) work will take me i doubt ill actually get a chance, but on a Fifth hand a world tour with them sounds really exciting and idk!! whatever vacation if any i would wanna do w zach n erin bc honestly i dont think itd be Near as fun w/o them, but i do hope we can someday given the chance, ((also this sounded really gay sorry bye))

favourite food? popcorn i just had some 

nationality? american, i dont know much abt my heritage other than the Literal Minimum amount of native american to Count (i am very white it does not show At All) and a decent amount of polish

favourite song right now? uhhhh none rn im at that point where im in between finding songs i repeat until i hate them so ive just had my whole playlist on shuffle this week

uhhh taggin Whomever wants 2 do this lol

[galimatios]

alister/alice/astrid/who the fuck are you revamp notes + new oc elias

actually it makes canonical sense if i made this oc as mary sueish as possible. i get to give them a ridiculously pretty and unrealistic name and wild tf out im excited. fuck it ill give them a sibling bc i want More

I THINK I CAN ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GIVE THIS CHARACTER DEPTH BEYOND BEING AN EDGY FUCK AND IM A LITTLE SHOOK BC OH NO i want to play with this idea of being put onto such a pedestal that it completely dehumanizes you... like youre being revered as superior but you... are still human and its still fucked up and unhealthy. you're loved for what you represent, not who you actually are its to the point where you no longer have a sense of self outside the function/role you've been assigned and once you lose that everything youve known comes falling apart breathes and i want to give them an older sib who received the same treatment but ran away sibling is high achievement, went to a prestigious school, had to fight his ass off to get away from family and works really hard bc if he does badly it jeopardizes his independence and he doesnt want to go back at all costs. he'd rather be homeless than at home he does very well in all things but its out of a drive to be completely independent of his family and he throws himself into his work and studies as a coping mechanism... very good at keeping up appearances but occasionally says some odd/alarming things hes still in the process of kind of figuring himself out and coming to terms w his situation? healing and such. he remembers the sibling he left behind and there is. a lot of regret there. but what can he do? he thought he was gonna die if he didnt get out asap meanwhile younger sib at home is just. a loose screw completely under the influence of their family. they do eventually end up leaving due to some.. kind of circumstance i think? but by then so much damage has already been done what if i just gave everyone in this e names just because idk im feeling like. names that start with vowels fsr i wanna name the boy elias bc it is. prety the younger sib maybe edelweiss originally but theres been a namechange at least once. MAYBE. or maybe an a or i name? hm i have to develop a ton of lore fuck. and research into some things to flesh this out but i have Fuckin. ideas. AND NOW IVE JUST REALIZED I CAN MERGE AN INCOMPLETE OC CONCEPT WITH THIS ONE. MY FIRST... EVER... OC.... FINALLY GETS A TRUE REVAMP after age 21+ , alister's aes is like tattoos everywhere. dyed hair. painted nails, makeup that looks. somehow. kind of esoteric. smokes heavily, drug addict, alcoholic, just Sincerely fucked. wildly incoherent fashion, looks like louis vuitton one day and goodwill the next genderfluid also, goes by alice as much as they go by Alister, volatile and erratic, people get the sense theyre always on the edge of something but dont know what it is existing is a constant battle of trying to dissociate away from having any real coherent thought i think the only time they have a respite is when theyre asleep elias feels horrible. he meets up with alister years and years later and realizes they're fucked beyond belief, and it was His Fault. they actively blame him for it. in other settings id probably give them a different name tho... not relevant rn but maybe sth with an i either way theyre super self destructive in every possible way and elias is trying to hold on for dear life getting them help ezra's presence complicates things bc theyre also ... both a victim and participant in old family's cult bullshit and ezra still perpetuates some of that toxicity even tho they largely do Nothing now its like just being there feeds into alisters false ego together its Pretty Bad bc they feed off eachother unhealthily and elias really wants to intervene but hes also dealing w his own shit and he isnt sure what to do. he needs a support system is what it is... INTRODUCES HIM TO OTHER OCS.... oh fuck found family

ELIAS... high achieving pretty boy but hes in this friendgroup of ppl who are wildly different ... he learns so Much from being around them though? i want him to have a convo with rosetta about her family.. underprivileged but deeply loving, and elias is like... oh that's how family should be. LAYS DOWN AND THINKS ABOUT SUPPORT FROM THESE PPL FROM DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFE PUTTING THIS abnormal abusive shit into context and elias REALIZES so much from his friends. he. he has friends! dont think elias is that soft tho. i feel like he has some anger issues, occasionally sth will cause him to .. not necessarily lash out but the Danger in his eyes appear and basically you dont fuck w him. hes very determined. before friendgroup, absolute loner really competitive like his life depended on it, worked himself to the bone bc he needed an identity outside what the family assigned him and he shaped himself around his accomplishments which isnt healthy either but its what he did hes like this up until a few yrs after getting his masters degree in... something. its only when hes forced to socialize more for Being An Adult In Society and Not In College Reasons. then he meets a bunch of dropouts and post-grad ppl during some function?

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth