#rip ivan you would have (you always have) loved till

[shitgoblindingleberry]

OKAY CAUSE LISTEN. (till character analysis let’s go) (apologies in advance this is LONGG)

if till is actually in love with mizi then there is literally no outcome in which him and ivan are happy.

because 1) he’ll never love ivan as long as mizi is alive, and 2) even if he thinks mizi is dead, ivan will only ever be a rebound, the second choice he turned to when mizi wasn’t an option.

however, i would like for you to consider that maybe, instead, the problem is that till doesn’t know how to properly process or identify his feelings. i would like to propose that maybe he misinterpreted his feelings for mizi as love when in actuality he views her as some unattainable idol to covet but not actually connect with (like parasocial relationships).

meanwhile, ivan was always there for him and slowly became a support system till didn’t even know he had. because even if he didnt feel LOVE for ivan, they definitely had a REAL relationship—arguably more real than anything he ever had with mizi. all of their interactions are just like. much more RAW than anything till ever had with mizi if that makes sense. because all we’ve ever seen him doing with her is admiring from afar and sacrificing things for her in secret that she never asked for, nor wanted from him. while with ivan they actually hung out with absolutely no expectations of anything between them (on till’s side at least. it wasn’t a performative relationship to be this self sacrificing person for ivan like it would’ve been if he were talking to mizi. which is ironically a much more healthy basis for a relationship. to fully see the person as being equal to you without putting them on a pedestal)

i think till’s way of coping with everything was finding someone else outside himself to live for and idolize. his entire life was built around mizi, every choice he made committed with her in mind (like when he chose to stay in the garden rather than escaping for her sake). and once she’s ripped away, he’s left feeling empty and aimless—the center of his very world is no longer there.

HOWEVER.

this is shaken by ivan’s death. even though mizi was always his center, he can’t exactly not be affected by someone who’s been at his side for YEARS. and, unlike with mizi, their bond was definitely real and very much tangible for BOTH sides (despite meaning different things for each of them). but when ivan died FOR him, till felt something that was very real and very confusing which was very much a mixture of raw emotions he wasn't prepared to face feeling from anyone apart from mizi. because while mizi is his ideal, i think his feelings about her were always accompanied by a sense of disconnect because they didnt have any actual basis for this bond beyond till simply yearning for her. but with ivan. they were friends. they trusted each other by this point, and ivan has shown that he cares for till REPEATEDLY throughout them knowing each other. and.

i think till subconsciously acknowledged that ivan was important to him, even if just as a background support in his life. someone he hung out with without thinking about it too much. and i think that sense of care came very gradually too. because ivan is a weird mf but he still managed to worm his way into till’s world, and now he’s a staple there, even if till himself isn’t aware of that.

mainly just my vibe here is that his feelings surrounding ivan are very messy and complicated (as real life emotions tend to be) and that wasn’t what till was looking for when he was younger. he needed something stable, something he could look at and idolize from afar. something he could dedicate his messed up life to without having to worry about other complicated feelings. and that was what mizi was to him. a purpose to live that was unchanging because no matter what till himself did or what happened to him, it didn’t affect HER. and that was comforting. but ivan existed outside of his little ideal. and he was a real person who (unfortunately :/ ) made till feel real things that were outside of his control. which wasnt what he needed when he was younger—he needed stability. but i think in the end he had the most chance of an actual developed, healthy, and consistent relationship with ivan.

that is, if bro wasnt dead 🙏🙏🕊🕊

[voidspiraling]

Omg so I was obsessing over Till again ya know. As one do.

And I was analyzing (obsessing) over the baby Till comic when I noticed some thingssss. (This is just my interpretations feel free to disagree)

This frame was fun to look at bc it was just Till doodling and looking cute. But the closer you look…..

Till knew that the flowers were actually cameras!!!maybe that’s why even tho Ivan ripped up the flowers in Till’s presence Till didn’t actually hate it as much. Most IvanTill scenes rarely have these flowers in them and I think after Till grows up we stop seeing the flowers altogether.

Baby is so observant 🥹

Another thing I was obsessing over was the final few frames. In this one my eyes first went to Till because he is contrasted in the picture (blue against white bg and his head being in the center of the comp) and then to Mizi bc she is the biggest element in the picture. But after looking closer you see that Mizi and Sua are both blurry. They are also further away from Till.

But here Ivan and Till are both in focus and they’re right next to each other. I think this shows how despite what Till outwardly says on his subconscious level he feels closer to Ivan. They’re equals. This is also easy to overlook because Ivan is cut off in the picture. He’s like a shadow off to the side. This could be bc Ivan always hides what he feels to everyone and to himself. Or maybe bc he always follows Till around like a shadow lol.

Another thing I wanted to add is when Till turns around. Presumably he’s looking at Mizi (could just be the viewer but lets assume it’s Mizi) but his face is flat he only looks surprised to see her. But aside from the fact that his collar is green we don’t see any other indication that he’s happy. His face isn’t flushed nor is his face expressive like it usually is. I think this is bc his love for Mizi wasn’t in a romantic sense but more in a admiration sense, and his love has cooled down.

Not to sound mean or anything but I remember reading that the reason he fell in love with her is bc of her smile. While that is a sweet notion it feels surface level especially when you compare it to Ivan’s love to Till.

Which would you prefer someone falling in love with your smile vs. someone falling in love with your strength and passion?

I also think that it’s telling that in his R2 song he admits that his feelings were “Error: No better options” Till likely knows that he doesn’t love Mizi but he feels like he should love her bc she is so kind and gentle. She gave him such nice and thoughtful gifts. Even complimented his piercings and treats him kindly even though he’s an outcast.

In his mind he should be madly in love with her. She should be his “savior.”

But inevitably his eyes drift to Ivan.

And I think it’s telling that while Till is looking at Ivan the focal point of the panel is the kids of Anakt garden walking among real trees. It shows that his love for Ivan is similar to freedom and that his love for Ivan is real. It’s like someone feeling relief at finally expressing their love after denying themselves for so long. I think Till tried to force himself to fall in love romantically with Mizi bc he felt too vulnerable around Ivan.

He likes Ivan but he thinks Ivan doesn’t like him so that’s why he tries to fall in love with someone else to get over it. He’s probably afraid of Ivan rejecting him so he projects his love onto Mizi instead. Till doesn’t actually know Mizi all that well so in a way even if she rejects him it won’t hurt that much. And he does feel happier around her and wants to talk to her more. But I think this is more of a friendship thing than a romance thing. Till also wanted to be friends with Sua too but Sua was too obsessed with Mizi to give a damn. That’s why Till feels uncomfortable around her and likely why he gave up talking to her first.

But since Till or any human for that matter were never taught how to love all he can do is try to remove his feelings for Ivan and put them on Mizi. However this isn’t rlly healthy nor does it work out.

After all…

His collar turns green when he listens to Ivan singing. Even though he was injured to the point he passed out, even though he’s bleeding profusely, even though he likely has a major headache. Ivan’s song is comforting to him.

That can only because of love right? Hell after his round even though Mizi was right next to him looking at him he was too injured to even pay her any attention. But here he managed to open his eyes bc it was Ivan singing.

They’re love was always mutual Till was just to shy abt it and tried to run away from it.

;-;

[jago-xx]

The difference between Ivans dying “heartbeat” and Tills dying “heartbeat” is interesting—to me at least.

Ivan’s heartbeat is characterized by the beat of drums and is rather passionate and energetic. Its loud, urgent, and suspenseful. Much like the feelings hes held for Till for the majority of his time in The Garden. His yearning is deep and woven into him; the thought of Till is his morning joy and his nights peace. In almost everything we see of Ivan, he is either watching, talking, or helping Till. Though he seems calm and composed most of the time, his obsession runs deep. He enjoys being with Till …even if Till isn’t entirely aware of his presence. Even in Tills rejection, he remained devoted. Till was his everything. We can see this in one of Ivans interviews where hes asked, “Have you gotten everything youve ever wanted?” and he responds: “No, but i came very close once.” This must be in reference to when he and Till nearly escaped together under a meteor shower.

So its no wonder Ivan would feel this love—this obsession surging through him as he sacrificed himself for Till. Be felt love, sadness, and longing in last moments. His heart was thrumming in his chest, as if it was trying to rip itself from its cage of bones, if only to unite with Tills this once. His heartbeat banged and roared for Till in his last moments, and in his whole life, he’d never been more at peace.

Till, on the other hand, had a meek, innocent, melancholic xylophone for a “heartbeat”.

Unlike Ivan, Till was deeply wounded in heart and body. His entire life he was abused, used, and treated like trash. He didnt take it lying down, but even the fiercest people get tired of the constant pain. He had gotten used to touch that was hurtful, and to hard hearts. To him, hate and anger were the norm. Those emotions came easily to him, and became part of what drove him forward. He had told himself for so long that his existence was supposed to be pain. That this is just how it is. And Ivan often challenged this belief. We see Ivan help Till multiple times. We see his loving looks and curious stares. Till was not used to such…attention. It challenged his natural inclination to hate. Ivan, though weird and sometimes annoying, never looked or treated Till like he was a burden. Although his actions, such as when he stepped on his flower crown, knowing they were hidden cameras, annoyed and sometimes angered Till, Ivan never did any of it from ill intent. And even still, he received Till’s anger, because even that type of attention from Till was bliss.

Till wasnt used to this treatment, so he avoided acknowledging it. He didn’t know what to make of it. All he knew to do was fight and push on. Run away. He couldn’t come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, he loved Ivan. Maybe he liked the time Ivan would spend with him. Maybe he enjoyed his voice, and his touch, and even his weird humor.

Till didnt accept it until he had to watch Ivan die. Until he realized those kisses would be his first and last. He went into round 7 spiraling down a hole of regret and anguish. He did not want to die. He had just realized that love is in fact his to hold, that he doesn’t always have to fight. He had just realized that he had something to live for after all. He was weak in the heart and body. He yearned for the even a speck of innocence again, just to feel peace one last time. Mizi was a portal into that innocence, hence his flashback before his death. The girl he idolized was alive and he discovered his love for Ivan. He died when he had finally found reasons to live.

[thegh0st-of-ingrid]

Alright, little Modern AU IvanTill scenario (Tw: probably ooc)

Premise: it's difficult (at least for me) to immagine the alnst characters in a modern setting since the enviorment they grew up in is really different from ours. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that their mental states and behaviors don't exist in a modern setting but that there they would be dealt with in different ways

So, in this AU Ivan and Till are childhood friends that growing up had a pretty tumultuous relationship but always stuck together at the end of the day no matter what

In this au I'm mantaining Ivan's "I'm unlovable but that's how it is" mentality and less relevant for the scenario Till's avoidant tendency and more relevant the 'if I don't get too attached than I won't suffer once they're ripped away from me' that than evolves in 'I can't/don't want to let you go' mentality once there's an attachment (this is ispired by a line from Cure and one from Blink Gone) for the sake of this AU. I'll leave the 'why are they like this in this AU?' up to you.

Ok, so, in this AU their feelings are ultimately mutual, and after a really bad event akin to the canon meteor shower (or the round 6 kiss, something that makes Ivan's feeling clear to Till) they reconcile and start a situationship.

Till is trying to navigate this new found stability in the relationships but something worries him, they don't put a name to what they are since what they have is clearly not the friendship they had anymore, and Till is ok with it. What's bothering him is that he know that their feelings are mutual by now, but Ivan just keeps giving him mixed signals and deny his feelings to the point that it's driving Till crazy with confusion, bc even though they both want to be more than what they are, Ivan would walk away from it as soon as this truth get's too concrete.

After some attempts at bringing their situation up Till finally snaps and confronts Ivan about what really are they in what would be an arguement that would have outright ended their relationship if Ivan wasn't also on the breaking point of his own internal conflict that had him confront the reality that Till loved him, a thing that went against everything he belived.

Thanks for reading this idea loosely ispired by Super Psycho Love by Simon Curtis

[bluemoonscape]

Here’s my @alnst-secret-santa fic for the lovely and amazing @chevalperd, who requested some ivanmizi besties content for her gift! This was really fun to do, especially seeing as I consider the recipient of the gift a friend! Word count at 4.3k—it’ll be up on AO3 within a few hours, but for now, read below the cut. I hope you don’t mind that I included some 4nakt dynamics around the ivanmizi for plot. Happy holidays, Ish <33

Ivan couldn’t really say for sure how he’d gotten to this point in his life.

…Well, actually, he could, and in painstaking detail, too. It started at about the time his father ushered him into show business, married this runway superstar millionaire, put a handful of stepsisters in front of him with an unheard but cheerful “here you go, kid!” taught him to conform to the public’s vision of him, tarnished his self-esteem—

Anyway, the short version was this. Ivan had been crushing on someone for a while. By a while, of course, he meant every waking hour since he met the guy (approximately four years, five months, one week, and 2 days, counting. Not like Ivan was keeping track or anything). Ivan had never been the type to fall so hard, or at all, really, but Till was special. 

Ivan met him while he was taking classes through university and juggling his well-established career, and from the moment he saw him with his guitar case covered in stickers and his jeans littered with rips and patches, he knew Till was the only one for him. If it wasn’t Till, it was Ivan in sweatpants eating from a carton of peppermint swirl ice cream with a spoon with hard water stains watching A Charlie Brown Christmas and wondering if anyone would say anything if he just stopped going out in public and instead hibernated in his stupidly big, stupidly empty apartment until the Progresso soup cans ran out. And the ice cream. Which was looking like it’d be yesterday’s news sooner rather than later.

It was around while he was doing this exact activity when his father rang him. This was a rare enough occurrence that it briefly occurred to Ivan that a stroke or cardiac event might be involved. He picked up on that basis, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder as he scooped out the last candy cane pieces from the corners of the container.

“Hello, Father. I didn’t expect to hear from you—everything alright?”

“What?” his father said absently. “Oh. Yes, everything’s fine. I called to extend an invitation to the Christmas party, on the twenty-third. Arrival at five, dinner at six, games throughout the rest of the evening. Will you be able to make it? Sua has already agreed.”

Sua was a bonus. Sua was the baby of her sisters, which put her much closer in age with Ivan than the other girls. She was the only one of his stepmother’s children he ever bonded with beyond surface level pleasantries, and he hadn’t seen her in some time. Still…

“I don’t know. I might have an event that night. Since when are we having Christmas parties again?”

A pause. “Since right now. Why not? There will be family friends there. Colleagues. You might meet some people interested in getting involved in your work.”

Of course it was just a way to network. It always was. God forbid they have one Christmas party with just the family like they used to before the families crashed together about as gracefully as two tectonic plates. Ivan’s Christmases as a little kid were probably the most fun he ever had and ever would, based on the way things were trending.

He must’ve been quiet for too long, for he was jolted by his stupor by, “Sua’s bringing her boyfriend—would you like to bring your girlfriend? Mizi, was it?”

Ivan froze.

The wrongest thing about that was the combination of “Sua” and “boyfriend” in the same sentence. That was weird.

The second wrongest part was the belief or pretense of belief that Ivan actually had someone to share his life with. That was absolutely laughable.

But it was his fault he thought this.

“Right.” Ivan coughed and sat up straight, setting the carton and spoon down on the clear coffee table to hold the phone in his hand. The carton tipped, and the spoon clattered to the carpeted floor with a trail of minty goodness. “Mizi. Right.”

Because this was the really hilarious thing that he totally forgot he told his father and stepmother after making the mistake of confiding in them that he did, in fact, have his eyes on someone and was not, in fact, self-isolating. The unfortunate part came when they asked for specifics. What was she like?

“Artistic,” Ivan had said, caught up in the mental image of Till in music class, playing his bass, Till in their philosophy class, staring off into space, daydreaming about something undoubtedly beautiful. “Passionate, fiercely loyal, a little shy.”

Oh, how delightful! And what was her name?

So Ivan clammed up.

“Mizi,” was the first name that came to mind. “Her name’s—Mizi!”

His stepsister’s girlfriend of two years.

The girl Till was infatuated with.

Definitely not Ivan’s girlfriend.

In his defense, it wasn’t so weird when one considered how close he’d become with Mizi in his own right. He probably saw her more than he saw Sua at this point. She was bright and bubbly and, above all, relentlessly determined to make him feel included in all things. 

It was a little embarrassing at first. He felt like he was just the little brother she was taking pity on. But now, he might even call her his best friend. Despite all the reasons he’d collected to avoid her (you’re pathetic, you want what she and Sua have, you want Till to look at you like he looks at her, you’ll only bring her down)—she found her way right into his heart. But never once had she ever consented to being the girl he used as a pitiful excuse to his parents to convince them he wasn’t alone, not hopelessly and stupidly in love with a boy he couldn’t have.

“Uh,” he said smartly into the phone. “Sua’s bringing a… boyfriend?”

A hum of confirmation.

Last I checked Mizi was definitely a girl did I miss someth—?

“Great!” he chirped. “Good for her. Unfortunately, I don’t think I, um, or Mizi, will be able to come. My schedule is pretty packed, so…”

“It is?” God fucking hell, it was like his father could see his lie right through the phone. “The day before Christmas Eve?”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck me. Why do I even try? I should hang up. And block his number. And move to Scotland. I hear the weather’s nice there.

“You know,” Ivan said haltingly, “let me… check my calendar and see if I have a spot.”

Obviously he did. The day was entirely empty, whiter than the rare thick snow blanketing the streets outside.

He could make something up, but clearly his father was already beginning to question the existence of this supposed girlfriend—with reason, too—and he hadn’t seen Sua in months. Maybe he could work something out. Maybe he could pull something together in time to keep up appearances and appease his family for a few more years.

So he opened his big dumb mouth and said, “It’s tight but I can fit you in.”

“Excellent!” his father shouted right into Ivan’s ear, “Won’t you bring Mizi? We’d love to meet her.”

Not because they were actually interested in being connected to someone Ivan loved, but because they couldn’t have the family looking bad. Ivan always tried not to let it get to him. He rarely succeeded even after all these years living out on his own.

“Yeah.” Ivan cleared his throat. “I’ll see if she can come.”

~

So yeah. Ivan could, actually, say for absolute certain how he got to this point in his life, on the doorstep of his father’s giant house that had never been a home for Ivan, a noodle casserole in his arms and a baby blue bowl with snowflake designs filled with frosted sugar cookies in Mizi’s arms.

“Ivan?” Mizi smiled at him uncertainly, touching his shoulder with her free hand. She’d gotten a pixie cut in the months since he’d last seen her, before he met her for coffee and dropped his bomb of a favor on her. She looked so pretty like that, tiny pink ears exposed to the cold air, her bangs fanning above her brows in the wind. Ivan could see why Till liked her. Maybe Ivan would too if he was more… something. Or less something.

He smiled back at her, and she asked, “Are you gonna ring the doorbell?” Sheepishly, she added, “I can’t feel my toes.”

Ivan’s gaze dropped to her feet. “You’re wearing fur boots,” he teased, “it probably doesn’t take much to make your feet cold in those.”

Mizi whacked his arm hard enough to hurt, stared at him dead in the eyes, and deliberately pushed the doorbell with her index finger, decorated with a red and green striped nail. He returned her dirty look.

They both jumped to face forward when the door opened, and before them stood Ivan’s stepmother in a spotless white evening gown that stood stark against her long sheet of raven hair. Sua was practically the spitting image of her, as were her older sisters. Their mother’s genes were strong. The RBF ran strong in the family.

“Ivan.” Her mouth approached something vaguely resembling a smile, close-lipped and tight. “I’m glad you could make it. Your father will be pleased. And is this… Millie?”

“Mizi,” Ivan corrected with a frown.

Mizi waved awkwardly.

“Oh, I see. I’m delighted to meet your acquaintance, Mizi. The children speak highly of you. You’re Sua’s friend, aren’t you?”

Mizi bumped her foot against Ivan’s, and Ivan repressed a mortifying snort.

“Yes ma’am, your daughter is a fine young woman.” Mizi’s voice was so exaggeratedly posh, Ivan was somewhere between bursting into tears of laughter or sinking into the porch floor. “And your stepson is a total knockout.”

Sua’s mother blinked. Ivan smiled convincingly.

“Come in, then,” she said, ignoring Mizi’s comment. “It’s cold out there. I’ll take your coats—you can set the food on the table in the dining hall. Sua and her partner are in the sitting room off the entryway.”

Seeing as Sua said it was “a surprise” who she was bringing as her own fake date on the phone, Ivan was curious to see the mirage boyfriend.

He and Mizi put his casserole and her cookies on the banquet table, then made a beeline through the crowd to the sitting room, offering grins and polite waves to the mingling socialites—all people Ivan didn’t recognize.

Ivan nearly tripped over the threshold when he and Mizi walked in to find a very uncomfortable-looking Till dressed in a turtleneck and jacket, hair swept back from his forehead, sat a respectable distance from Sua on the sofa near the hearth of the fireplace.

Mizi, unbothered, gave an excited shriek that definitely did not belong in this house.

“Till, oh my god! I didn’t know you would be here!”

Till froze up when Mizi threw her arms around him and squeezed him. He coughed over her shoulder. “I—Hi, Mizi. Merry Christmas.”

Sua, elegant as ever in her midnight black dress dotted with glittering studs, smoothed out her dress over her knees and stood, crossing her thin arms and arching an eyebrow at Ivan, who was busy gawking at her date. She stared at him sternly for an uncomfortable amount of time before extending her arms to him. 

“Well, c’mere.”

Ivan stepped closer and stooped down to hug her. It wasn’t a particularly warm, fuzzy hug, the kind he imagined some siblings might give each other after being apart for months, but their relationship had always been based on quiet respect and love, the sort of two people who didn’t feel in need of such overt validation from the other. His friendship with Mizi was more… sweet, he supposed. Sentimental.

While Sua moved to wrap Mizi in a much more intimate hug and whisper something in her ear, Till stepped up to Ivan, his eyes fixed somewhere below Ivan’s eyes. An awkward smile tilted his lips. “Hey, you. Been a while.”

They both hesitated, hovering in front of each other. Then when Ivan went in for what he perceived as a safe side hug, Till went for the full embrace, leaving them clutching at each other’s shoulders in the absolute worst, most awkward attempt at a friendly “bro” brand of affection Ivan had ever taken part in.

He cleared his throat and stepped away at the girls’ unimpressed looks.

Long night.

This was going to be a looooong night.

~

Dinner was, as Ivan expected, a bit of a disaster.

Ivan sat next to his father at his insistence, and Sua next to her mother, Till at her side and Mizi at Ivan’s. Ivan kept stealing glances over Sua and the parents at Till. Every now and then, he thought he saw Till looking back at him until he remembered Mizi was right by him.

Sensing something was off, Mizi gently nudged his ribs with her elbow and gestured at her plate with her fork when she caught Ivan’s attention. “Your casserole is delicious.” She laughed, a sweet, good-natured sound. “My cookies seem a little childish now.”

“What? No, no, not at all.” Ivan grabbed her hand where it rested near her silverware—a familiar gesture of comfort between them that also happened to present a pretty good front for the performed romance. “I love your baking. If no one else eats them, you know Sua, Till and I will.” He looked back down at his plate, resisting the urge to push his food around like a petulant child. He didn’t have much of an appetite. “Anyway, my mom used to make cookies for the holidays, so…”

Mizi’s expression softened. “Christmases used to be pretty fun around here, huh?”

“Yeah.” Ivan flicked his tongue against the inside of his lower lip, his heart sinking at the memory of a better, more innocent life, before showbiz, before his mom, before Sua’s family, before adulthood. Back when he had a home and wasn’t only surrounded for the holidays because of a lie he made up to seem like less of a fuck-up. “They did.”

“Mizi!” A voice caught their attention; Ivan’s father regarded Mizi curiously, eyeing her from her hair to her dress and jacket. “Tell us about yourself. Ivan has spoken fondly of you.”

“Oh yeah?” Mizi laughed nervously, nudging Ivan’s side again. “Oh, well, you know, we just hit it off. I work in marine biology, and I met Ivan through Sua. Um, what else…”

“Marine biology?” Ivan’s father hummed. “Such an interesting field. Quite a divergence from your major though, right? Music to marine biology is quite the jump.”

Till’s head shot up where he was staring down at his plate. Ivan resisted the urge to “accidentally” spill a glass of wine all over his father’s suit.

Instead, he forced out a laugh. “Mizi’s multi-talented.”

“I suppose she must be.” Ivan’s father nodded approvingly, as though seeing Mizi in a different light. “I must admit, the way Ivan described you, I thought you’d be much different.”

Mizi glanced frantically between Ivan and his father, an obvious cry for help in her green eyes. “Different good or different bad?” she asked with a nervous grin.

“Oh, good, naturally.” Oblivious, Ivan’s father smiled. Sua seemed to be having the time of her life, anyway—technically, her stepfather approved of her girlfriend, though he didn’t know Mizi was her partner and not Ivan’s. “I expected you to be a little wild, truth be told. Though I applaud your hobby in songwriting, it’s hardly sustainable without a label—a good foundation in a science field will serve you well.”

Oh, Till definitely knew. He looked right at Ivan, everything in his bewildered face asking “is this real?”

Mizi scrambled to cover for him, loudly announcing, “Well, the songwriting thing was more of a…passing interest! Ivan knows this. I don’t tell a lot of people about it. Till is really more of the writer.”

Sua’s mother looked at Till with new scrutiny. Till shrunk in his seat like a child being offered a plate of broccoli.

“Really?” Ivan’s father asked, frowning, his thick brows twisted in obvious confusion. “We were under the impression Till was the one more into sciences. It… come to think of it, was it marine biology?”

Now it was Sua’s turn to turn the color of a ripe tomato in her chair.

Served her right. Looks like Ivan wasn’t the only one who got caught red-handed this holiday with a fake partner to cover up for a lack of a heterosexual relationship—or in Ivan’s case, a lack of a relationship as a whole.

“You know,” Ivan said quickly, “maybe you mixed them up. Easy mistake to make.”

His father glanced back and forth, suspicious, but about what, even he didn’t seem to know. In fairness, it wasn’t every day your son took your stepdaughter’s girlfriend as his fake date to your holiday party while your stepdaughter took your son’s crush as her fake date and then spent time with her actual girlfriend, your son’s fake date, on the down low.

It was easy to miss.

“Well,” the man huffed. “Maybe.”

He turned to an executive across from him and down one seat and launched into a new conversation. The topic was effectively dropped.

Ivan hid a bitter glare behind his wine glass.

A whole lot of good that does now.

~

When Mizi found Ivan hiding out on the front porch after dinner with another full glass of wine in hand, she sighed, grabbed his glass, and upended it in the snow, which now looked like a bloody murder had been committed in its presence.

Ivan stared at her blankly. “I don’t think you realize how expensive that wine is.”

“Don’t know, don’t care. I brought you a cookie.” With no further preamble, she thrust a sugar cookie with bubblegum pink frosting into his hands.

Ivan accepted it reluctantly. “You came out here and spilled my drink to give me a cookie?”

“No, the cookie is a mean’s to an end. You’re not driving us later, by the way.” Mizi sank down to sit on the top step of the porch and patted the spot to her left. “Come on, sit.”

“But I was sitting for an hour at dinner.”

“Ivan, do not make me make you sit.”

She was dead serious. She’d done it before and she’d do it again. Her piggyback-transition-to-headlock maneuver was undefeated in multiple regions.

Knowing this, Ivan sat down at her side. He still wasn’t very hungry, but he didn’t want to hurt Mizi’s feelings, so he took a bite of the cookie.

It was really good. No matter how bad things got or how lonely Ivan was, at least there was Mizi’s baking.

“You’ve been moping all night and every day leading up to this.” Mizi mimicked his earlier gesture at the dinner table, covering his cold hand with her smaller, warmer one. “I know you and your dad have a complicated relationship. I understand why you’d be so upset. But I get the feeling there’s something more.” She turned his hand over and stroked her thumb over the longest, most visible scar on his wrist. And god, he hated when she did that. It made him choke on air a little every time. “Why did you agree to come if you knew you wouldn’t have a good time?”

Ivan drew his hand away from hers carefully and wrapped his arms around his knees, sighing and watching his breath fog in the air. “Like you said, it’s complicated. I guess a part of me still wants to please my father, even if I never really can entirely. And I wanted him to see that I can do well on my own. That I’m… functioning beyond what the public sees.”

Mizi rested her chin in the palm of her hand, looking up at him with an expression so gentle he could hardly even look at her. She was so good. She was so kind. He didn’t deserve her. 

“What the public sees doesn’t matter,” she said. “What do you see? How do you see your life, Ivan?”

Pathetic? Pitiful? Laughable? So meaningless it was comedic?

“Like…” He toed the wiring of the string of lights tied around the porch rail. “One of these crappy bulbs that’s burnt out before you even open the package.” He gave Mizi a wry smile, hoping it sounded more humorous than sad, but the look on her face said he failed at that. “I feel like I only showed up to be seen and I’m not really seen anyway.”

“By your father, maybe,” Mizi conceded.

He looked at his shoes.

“By Till?” she pressed, quieter.

Ivan’s shoulders slumped, and he rubbed at his face, trapping a groan behind his teeth. “It’s sad.”

“It’s not sad.” Mizi squeezed his shoulder. “You’re not a sad person. And Till cares about you more than you realize. We all do, you just don’t see it. You won’t.”

“Mizi…” Ivan shook his head and let his hands slide from his face. How could he explain it? How could you even explain something like this? “Mizi, the way he looks at you, if you saw, you would know. The way you and Sua look at each other. I—“ He swallowed, realizing he was giving too much away. “You don’t know.”

Mizi’s hand tightened, then let go entirely. Ivan felt his heart briefly kick in panic—wait, don’t be offended, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that—and then Mizi practically tackled him in a hug, that hug he so desperately needed with the warmth and cheesiness and safety. Ivan let himself lean into her, bringing his own arms up to circle her waist.

“You feel alone,” Mizi murmured. “You think you have no one, and you’re so, so wrong.”

Ivan sniffed from the cold and let his eyes squeeze shut, if only for a second, so he could imagine it was only them in the world. “I know you’re my friend, I do, but it’s not—“

“The same,” Mizi finished, pulling back and gripping his face tight enough to smush his cheeks. “I know. I know it’s not the same. It doesn’t have to be the same. Yeah, I love Sua, but I love you too. Just because it’s a different type of love doesn’t mean I love you less. You don’t mean less to me. You don’t mean less to Sua. You don’t mean less to Till.”

“I don’t think I can believe you.” Ivan winced, entirely at a loss for words. “I wish I could. But you’re so good, Mizi, you’re the greatest girl I’ve ever met and Till should like you. Sua too. I don’t think I’m even jealous of you. I’m not angry with you for what you have. I don’t wish I was like you.” Ivan hesitated. “I just wish I liked being me better.”

Mizi smiled, and for a moment, Ivan thought he was probably just as head over heels in love with her as Till and Sua were, only it wasn’t that he wanted to kiss her, he just wanted to be at her side. He wanted to hold her hand and cook while she baked and hug her on a cold front porch all the time.

This is what having a best friend feels like.

“Ivan.” Mizi shook his face playfully. “You may not feel seen, or wanted, or loved, but I see you, I love you, I want you around. I’m here. You are an amazing, kind, intelligent, funny, loving human being, I adore you, and,” she grabbed the pink cookie and pushed it against his closed lips. “I want you to shut the hell up about how supposedly worthless you are and eat the cookie.”

And if that wasn’t exactly what Ivan needed to hear.

He blinked at her, grinned, and laughed so hard he accidentally butted the cookie from her hand, breaking it in two and sending it skidding down onto the second step of the porch, pillowed by a fine sheet of snow.

“Hey!” Mizi gaped, but, equally unable to take herself seriously, she dissolved into a fit of giggles. “You killed my cookie!”

“My apologies to the cookie. Here, see, it’s fine. You can have half now.” He shoved the more intact half of the sugar cookie into her waiting mouth; it crumbled, and more probably got on the ground than in her mouth. Ivan took a huge bite out of his piece, nearly unable to keep his mouth shut while he chewed because of how much his cheeks hurt when he tried not to grin.

It was the lightest Ivan had felt in a long time.

“Hey,” Mizi told him later that night as they walked to the car, the car keys transferred decidedly to her from a tipsy Ivan, “for what it’s worth, I think if you paid more attention, you’d see that Till and lots of other people look at you that way, too.”

“After he just learned that I’ve described him under your name to people who ask me who I’m seeing?” Ivan snorted. “Not a chance.”

Mizi’s eyes flitted ahead to Sua’s car, where Sua had gracefully climbed in behind her driver and Till was hung up outside the door, looking back over his shoulder at the pair. Which of the two he was fixated on was hard to tell.

“Actually,” Mizi said drily, licking remnants of pink frosting from her molars, “I think your show of idiocy has him hook, line, and sinker.”

Even though Ivan didn’t believe it, he had to admit, it made him feel warm somewhere in his stomach where he must store his feelings of yearning and general longing.

No matter how bad things got or how lonely Ivan felt, at least he wasn’t ever really alone.

[noirewrites]

Mending the Rip (Of My Shirt and Your Heart)

Kitty Section are practising when Luka's favorite Jagged Stone shirt rips. Luckily his latest costume designer is on hand to fix it, but who knew Marinette could get so tongue tied? And doesn't she only do that over boys she likes?

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

Warnings: No Warnings Apply

Categories: F/M

Pairing: Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Adrien Agreste/Kagami Tsurugi, Kagami Tsurugi & Marinette Dupain-Cheng

Chapter 1: Listening to Your Jagged Heart Song

The designer said in a tone of faux cheerfulness, “Her lies aren’t hurting anyone, right?” A sudden shrill screech of guitar turned her attention to Luka who was frowning at the instrument.

You know I love unicorns

And that they make me feel better!

I see their faces everywhere I go

Dreaming about them at the nights!

 “I am glad Mr. Agreste allowed Adrien to be a part of the concert,” Marinette said as she moved her attention from her sketches to Kagami who sat beside her.

The Japanese girl nodded in reply. “I know Mr. Agreste’s hard to convince, but after Adrien meticulously pointed out that his participation in the band could help promote Agreste Fashion, it wasn’t a tough job.”

 The designer hummed in approval as she bent over her sketchbook, adding colors to the designs.

 “But tell me one thing.” The disdain in Kagami’s voice caused Marinette to look up. 

“Who called that brunette here?” The Tsurugi girl pointed at someone, and Marinette followed her direction to catch sight of Lila Rossi reclining on a chair, sipping orange juice as Mylene sat beside her on a stool, enjoying the band’s performance.

“I mean, it’s not my business but… as far as I am aware, she isn’t dating anyone in the band. And it doesn’t seem like she’s here to offer a hand.”

 “Oh,” Marinette rolled her eyes slightly before turning back to task in hand, “that’s Lila. I believed you knew her? For a few days ago, she claimed to have been Mrs. Tsurugi’s favorite student before arthritis caused her to take a break from fencing.”

 “Mom’s favorite student? Baka.” 

“Baka?”

“It’s a curse.”

 Marinette raised an eyebrow as her lips twitched in a smirk. “Didn’t know you cursed.”

“Only when I am frustrated. But seriously, I hadn’t had a shade of idea about her existence before she appeared in that photograph with Adri-kun. He told me she’s a pathological liar, but to this extent… Wow, I must really go knock some sense into her.”

 Kagami moved forward, only to be stopped by an iron grip on her wrist.

“Don’t,” Marinette said in a low tone as she pulled the other girl back. “I have tried uncovering her lies, but…”

 “But what?”

“She just plays with the words until they turn against you. I have tried unmasking her on many occasions, but no one listens and…”

 Marinette’s voice trailed off, before she slightly shook her head and said in a tone of faux cheerfulness, “Her lies aren’t hurting anyone, right?”

Kagami stared in shock as the designer wiped her eyes before smiling at her.

 A sudden shrill screech of guitar caused the girls to turn their attention to the deck where the band had been rehearsing.

“Sorry, I kind of missed a beat,” Luka said apologetically, looking down as he frowned at his guitar.

 “I guess it’s alright,” Adrien patted the tall boy before adding, “We have been practising for one hour non-stop. How about a break, guys?”

The idea was highly appreciated, for the other band members immediately left their musical instruments to relax themselves after the hard work. Rose and Juleka moved over to the railings to talk while Ivan walked to where Mylene and Lila were sitting, sitting down and looping an arm around his tiny girlfriend.

 Adrien turned his attention to the girls and grinned at them, waving eagerly. Marinette smiled in acknowledgement and Kagami waved back, an adorable blush now dusting her cheeks.

He came over to them, hugging Kagami before giving her a peck on the lips. 

 “Hey there, Gami-chan,” he whispered, causing Kagami to giggle.

“Hello, Koibito,” she whispered, booping his nose a little.

 Watching the two from a close distance, Marinette couldn’t help but smile. Contrary to the earlier times, she didn’t feel jealous of Kagami anymore. ‘Adrigami’, as she had dubbed the couple, was really very cute and sweet, and Marinette was happy to be best friends with them. 

Between the responsibilities of Guardianship, school work, bakery stuff, hangouts with friends, designing commissions and babysitting, Marinette wasn’t sure if she could additionally juggle her love life. So, she opted to let it rest for a while, at least till she got the hang of her recent busy schedule.

 That is what she had told herself. The reality… it was different.

 Adrien had harbored a special place in her heart, and letting him go hadn’t been easy for her. But with time, Marinette came to realise that her unrequited feelings were doing her more harm than good. In times when her friends were abandoning her, Adrien and Kagami were two of the three people who had at least offered a listening ear to her distraught civilian self. And the girl could not afford losing any of her true friends for any reason.

So, she made herself happy in their happiness. When the two held hands, Marinette’s heart did a little dance of joy for her friends’ happiness. When they got lost in each others’ eyes, she stayed on the sidelines, watching them with a small smile. And when they kissed….

 ...It had been hard at first. No, scratch hard. For the first few times, Marinette had felt as if someone had detached her heart from her chest and stomped on it ruthlessly, right in front of her eyes. Her pillow and Tikki had been the witness of those silent tears she shed as she came face-to-face with the feelings of the first heartbreak. Many times, she just wanted to pull the two apart, to scream her feelings out to Adrien and at least let him know.

Had it not been for Tikki, she would have been nearly akumatized, too.

 But her determination and will power made her witness the couple’s sweet moments, again and again. Until she didn’t feel the bitter twinge on seeing them kiss. Until she managed to remain aloof even when they gave each other the gooey eyes. Until she felt no butterflies on seeing Adrien’s radiant smile.

Until her heart finally let go of Adrien. 

 “Musing about something, Ma-ma-marinette?”

The designer let out a squawk as she jumped nearly a foot in the air, turning around and coming face to face with Luka Couffaine.

 “Oh,” she chuckled nervously, straightening her dress, “it’s you.”

Luka laughed good-naturedly, causing Marinette to blush.

 Luka Couffaine had been her third true friend, and her closest confidant ever since the Battle of the Miraculous had taken place. He had been there for her, letting her cry her heart out. He didn’t prod her about what the reason for her breakdown was, just provided her the much needed shoulder. He had shielded her from the akuma cloud, sacrificing himself to save her.

 His music had helped calm her inner storm. But the most important thing? She still couldn’t forget his confession when he had been akumatized as Silencer.

  You’re the most extraordinary girl, Marinette. 

Clear as a musical note and as sincere as a melody. 

You’re the music that’s been playing inside my head since the day we first met. 

I won’t let anything happen to you.

 It still shook her to the core in a very pleasant way on thinking about that confession.

 Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Marinette smiled at the boy.

 “So, did you make anything new this time?” he asked inquisitively.

“Oh yes! Wanna see?”

“Always eager to.”

 They moved over to her designing stand where her sketchbook lay open. Thumbing through a few pages, Marinette reached her newest creation.

“So, I made this new addition to your mask! It’s just like the previous one, except the main color scheme has more of a bluish-white hue ‘cause I figured that blue’s kinda your colour. But this isn’t all! In the T-shirts, I added a calligraphed ‘Kitty Section’ design too, so as to promote the band! And maybe we can add some stitching designs here in the side for additional decor, though I haven’t given it much thought yet.” Marinette gushed, pointing out the various elements in her designs as Luka listened with rapt attention.

 “I love the change in colour scheme, Marinette,” he finally said, “And the design of the shirt looks awesome too. But…”

Luka’s voice trailed off, causing the designer to look at him inquisitively.

 “But what?”

He stayed silent for a moment, before asking in a low, gentle tone, “Are you alright?” 

 Her mouth went dry at the sudden question. Marinette had tried her best to keep her despair hidden from Kagami, when she had quoted his lines to her, but somehow, Luka still managed to know that she wasn’t alright. 

And that must have been the reason for his slip-up earlier during practise, she further deduced.

 “I—it’s no big deal, really!” she said, plastering a big smile on her face. “How about I tell you the colour scheme for the text on the shirt?” She said, attempting to change the subject.

The look on Luka’s face screamed that he didn’t believe her, but he smiled ruefully and gestured for her to continue. 

 Shooting him a grateful smile, Marinette placed the sketchbook back on the desk and picked up a coloured pencil from her assortment of paints and colours. But before she could colour the piece, a hand shot out of nowhere, knocking the red paint over her sketchbook.

Pulling her sketchbook back in reflex, Marinette jerked back and let out a moan of despair on noticing that she had been a second too late, for the red paint had managed to fall over the T-shirt design and ruin it completely. 

 “Oops, I am sorry! I didn’t notice the paint.” The voice did no good to Marinette, rather it turned her despair to anger.

Eyes sparking, she looked up at Lila, who had craftily masked her smug smirk under an expression that appeared apologetic. Balling her fists, she was about to lunge at the Italian lying doll before a hand on her shoulder stopped her. She looked up at Luka, who shook his head in the slightest way, assuring her with a look that he would take care of this situation.

 “You should have looked where you were going, Lila. You ruined the design now,” Luka pointed out, his brows slightly furrowed.

“Oh, I am sorry again,” Lila sniffled, before adding, “But shouldn’t Marinette have closed the paint after use? I mean, after that, even though I or someone else would have knocked it over by mistake, no harm would have been done, right?”

 Marinette was appalled at the disguised accusation, but didn’t say anything. She was used to Lila’s faux innocence and disguised blaming.

However, feeling Luka’s grip tighten on her shoulder, she could tell that he definitely wasn’t happy. And it made her feel glad.

 “Really though Lila, that excuse is utt—”

“Leave her out of it, Luka,” Rose spoke up from behind. “She obviously wouldn’t have meant it, right Lila?”

 The brunette nodded fervently. “Thank you so much for understanding me, Rose. You are the best!”

“No problem. Plus, Marinette’s so talented she can remake the design again! Right Marinette?” the blonde gushed happily.

 Sighing, Marinette pulled up a weak smile as she gave Rose a thumbs-up. She didn’t speak anything, though. Words simply failed her at the moment.

Everyone went back to their chit-chat, except for Adrien and Kagami who now came up to her.

 “I am sorry for what happened, Marinette,” Kagami said, her voice containing barely restrained anger as she glanced at Lila, “If only you had let me…”

 “It’s o-okay as I told you, ‘Gami,” the designer waved off the topic again as she ignored the slight choke in her throat and mild sting in her eyes. She turned to look at Adrien, shooting him a rueful look, “She really didn’t harm anyone, right?”

Adrien’s breath hitched and he suddenly became a lot interested in his shoes. As for Kagami, she finally understood why Marinette had chosen to repeat her previous statement again.

 “Anyways, I guess I should go back to make a new design, right? I can definitely do it!”

“But Marin—” Luka spoke up, but Marinette had turned back to her workstation, ignoring everyone.

 Kagami shot Adrien a look that spelled trouble, causing the blond to gulp. She pulled him away from the scene, leaving Luka there alone.

 He looked at the girl working on the design, the concern evident in his eyes. But if she didn’t want him to intervene, well, he was going to respect that.

Sighing, the musician slung his guitar over his shoulder and moved to give Marinette some space. However, he had forgotten to notice one thing.

  RIIPPP!

 The sound caught everyone’s attention, including Luka’s. Eyes bulging in shock, he looked down to find that his Jagged-Stone shirt had gotten stuck in some stray nail on the table and his movement had caused the fabric to tear a bit at the hem.

 Before he even got the idea to unhook his now damaged shirt from the nail, Lila jumped forward, announcing with a cheery tone, “I have been Gabriel Agreste’s muse for some weeks and things like this happen in the fashion industry! Don’t worry, I got this!”

 The brunette leaned down to unhook the shirt, but Luka caught the malicious glint in her eye before she applied a bit too much force, causing the tear to widen even more.

 “Oh goodness!” the girl wailed out in what Luka knew was a faux apologetic tone, “The fabric’s so old that it just got ripped even more! I am sorry Luka.”

Of course she didn’t mean the apology.

 Before Luka could say anything, Marinette spoke up, “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, Lila. Maybe you should not have intervened in the first place.”

Lila turned around to glower at her, before masking the foul look with an innocent pout, “You mean to say it’s my fault?”

 It was Mylene who spoke up now. “Marinette’s kind of right, Lila. Plus, she’s the most experienced with fabrics out of all of us. So, it’s better we let her deal with the situation, right?”

Lila pouted, but then nodded slightly in agreement as she got up. Luka was relieved to get distanced from the brunette. Plus, he always welcomed Marinette’s presence.

 Marinette smiled at him as she walked towards him. Her smile caused a soft melody to resonate in his heart. However, the subtle notes of a cacophony attracted his attention, too.

Just in time, Luka saw Lila subtly edging her foot out. As Marinette tripped, the brunette smirked a bit before continuing down her path.

 As she fell, Luka lurched forward, his arms spread out. She collided with his chest as he wrapped his arms around her waist, securing her fall. Her arms came to rest upon his shoulders for support.

 “You okay?” 

“Ye-yeah!” Marinette stuttered, her cheeks blooming pink. “Fine being here! I MEAN, I am fine, how are you?”

Luka chuckled, “I am fine too, thanks for asking.”

 The girl blushed again, before looking down, “So.. your shirt—”

“Oh yes,” he helped her stand up straight, then proceeded to unhook the shirt from the table. Marinette bent down to inspect the tear.

 “Wait,” Luka said softly, causing her to look up. “Let me remove my jacket, it would be easier.”

 The designer opened her mouth to assure him that it was fine like that, but he had removed the jacket by then. As he handed the jacket over to Juleka, Marinette couldn’t help but gawk at Luka’s physique. She had known he was well built from his time as Viperion, but this lean…

Coughing from lack of air, Marinette came back to reality, blushing hard. Luka looked at her inquisitively, causing her to duck her head and inspect the tear.

 Oh goodness, what a wrong choice she had made.

 Looking at his physique from far was something else, but seeing the bare skin beneath the tear caused her jaw to nearly drop to the ground. Being a designer, she knew she should be used to such situations, but somehow, in this particular situation, her mind just short circuited.

 Why was she looking at the shirt again? What was she supposed to do here?

 “So Marinette, do you think the tear can be mended?” Luka asked, causing her to nearly fall on her butt in shock.

 Oh. Mending. Right. Task at hand first, bare skin gawking later.

What the hell am I even thinking right now?

 Her hands deftly lifted the fabric, as she focused her mind on the rip and not the slight tangy, citrus smell mixed with sweat. It was hard, but she finally managed to get the job done.

 “It’s a manageable tear,” Marinette said as she got up and straightened her dress a little. “Not much, so a stitch in time can still save nine!”

“Awesome,” Luka said, delighted. “This is my favorite shirt, and I don’t want it to get damaged.”

 The girl reached into her purse and pulled out a needle and a white thread, “Well, let’s sew it together then!”

Luka smiled in return, before noticing that everyone around them were silently giving him and Marinette the lovey-dovey eyes. That didn’t trouble him much, but the icy glare that Lila was pointing at Marinette…

 “How about we go to my cabin?” Luka offered, causing Marinette to look at him in confusion. “You know, because the wind can make the shirt flutter, and then again…”

He subtly gestured at something, and out of the corner of her eye, Marinette noticed Lila glaring daggers at her. Gulping a little and then laughing nervously, she said, “Oh sure! Downstairs it is then!”

 The guitarist smiled slightly, holding his hand out to her. Marinette put her hand in his and let him guide her.

 All the way, she kept marvelling at how despite the difference in sizes, their hands had perfectly fit with each other.

[nonbinaryyandere-blog]

This blog is great! I just found your blog and your writing is amazing! I love it! Do you think you could do a first encounter thing for Russia?

((omg omg you’re so nice thank you so muchhh~))

((well… this turned out longer than i intended. hope you like it!))

First Encounters - 1p!Russia/Ivan Braginsky

Ivan was used to the constant sheet of white covering the city. After all, it was his home. He found comfort in the cold. But as he walked down the street, the lower half of his face nuzzled into his beloved scarf, he found himself daydreaming of a warmer place.

“When was the last time I took a vacation?” he pondered, stopping at a crosswalk as he waited for the light to change. “I wonder if my boss would allow me a few days off.”

The light changed and everyone around him began to cross. As he continued drifting through his thoughts, he bumped into someone in the middle of the street. He turned to offer an apology, but the person had already taken off, manoeuvring quickly through the crowd.

‘I hope they’re okay.’ As he was about to carry on, Ivan noticed something on the ground. It was a wallet, sitting prominently upon the slushy, brown snow. 

As he carefully picked it up, a car honked at him, followed by muffled curses coming from within the vehicle. The light had changed and Ivan was the only one left standing in the crosswalk. Still, he thought the driver’s attitude was unnecessary, and an unintentionally threatening aura began emanating from him. The car immediately jerked back, nearly hitting the vehicle behind it.

Ivan safely reached the other side of the street before inspecting the wallet closer. It was well-used, even baring a few stains. Inside were ID cards, a credit card, gift cards, cash, a crumbled ticket to an event, and a family photo. 

“So, their name is… s/o.” The ID pictures were all the same, though Ivan mused over how a timeline could be seen between them. However, it was the family photo that Ivan found the most interesting.

A gust of wind hit Ivan from behind, nearly ripping the picture from his hand. He decided it would be better to continue his inspection from the comfort of a nearby café. Besides, he was craving something warm to drink.

Ivan relished in the warmth as he veered into the cozy building. He brushed the snow off his broad shoulders at the door and found a seat near a window that looked over the bustling street. After placing his order, he took out the wallet again and grabbed the family photo.

S/o was front and centre on a carpeted floor, hugging a dog with a huge smile across both their faces. Behind them was an older couple occupying a loveseat and a young man dressed in a casual suit standing next to them. The scene was very sweet, though s/o seemed to brighten it the most with their beaming face.

“It’s so,” he brushed the lower half of the photo with his thumb, “warm.” 

Ivan was drawn away from the picture when a young woman placed a steaming cup of cocoa on his table. He muttered a quick thank you before she disappeared.

He carefully sipped his drink while contemplating his next course of action. S/o was no doubt panicking about losing their wallet, so his first order of business was to find a way to return it. Perhaps there was contact info somewhere in their wallet, or a mailing address. Ivan began riffling through the ID cards in hopes of finding something useful.

BANG! Something hit the window next to Ivan with strong force, startling the large Russian enough to make him flinch. When he turned to investigate, he found a very reddened, very angry face staring at him through the frosty glass.

The person then ran off, barging into the café and storming over to Ivan’s table. “Excuse me,” they snapped, “I believe that’s my wallet.”

Everything happened so fast, and Ivan had yet to realise how he looked being confronted digging through a stranger’s wallet. “Oh!” He grabbed the family photo and held it up, comparing the person before him to the one in the picture. “You must be s/o!”

S/o snatched the photo from Ivan. “How dare you act so casual after stealing my wallet?! Do you know how much stress you put me through?! You… You criminal!” They took back their wallet and began gathering the scattered cards with shaky hands. 

Ivan was hurt by their cruel words, but he could see their expression didn’t match their anger. He grabbed their hand and, before they could protest, said, “I found this wallet on the street after someone bumped into me, and I was looking for a way to return it. I’m sorry if I made you worry.” He put on a smile in hopes of lightening the situation, though it was difficult to keep up as s/o stared at him.

Finally, s/o released a long sigh and slumped into the seat across from Ivan. “I’m… I’m sorry,” they muttered, resting their face in the palms of their hands. “I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge. I’m just having a really rough day today. Um…” they glanced up at Ivan. “Thank you for finding my wallet.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” When he saw their confused face, he elaborated. “Your rough day. Would you like to talk about it? I think it helps when people let out their feelings, da?”

S/o leaned back in their seat, their eyes looking elsewhere. “It’s all right, I doubt you want to be burdened by a stranger’s problems.”

Ivan placed his hands on his lap, adjusting his posture. “I don’t mind. And you’re not a stranger. After all, I did search through your wallet.” Only Ivan seemed oblivious to just how creepy he sounded.

It was clear that s/o was hesitant. But Ivan sounded so genuine, and the stress building up within s/o was getting difficult to manage. “Well, I guess it’s okay. But we need to introduce ourselves first, just to make this whole thing seem a little more… uh, normal.” They cleared their throat. “Hello, my name’s s/o.”

“Hello, s/o. You can call me Ivan.” He was amused by the formal exchange. Even in their current state, s/o seemed lighthearted. 

Silence fell over the table for a few seconds before s/o let go of another sigh, though this one was lighter than the last. “All right, well, here goes…”

Ivan listened intently as s/o explained everything that happened, from a tragic breakup to fighting with their best friend. The reason they were in such a hurry was to meet their older brother at his concert. “He’s an amazing violinist, and I promised him I wouldn’t be late. But then I dropped my wallet which had my ticket in it and I couldn’t get into the building and…” S/o sunk into their seat. “So, yeah, today’s been pretty rough.”

Bad luck was inevitable in life, but Ivan felt s/o had had enough bad luck for one day. He caught the attention of a waitress with a wave of his hand and asked s/o, “Would you like something to drink?”

S/o pulled out their phone and checked the time. When their shoulders slumped, they placed an order and then waited for the waitress to disappear. “The concert’s over by now, so I might as well enjoy this before I get hear how disappointed my brother is.”

“Wouldn’t he understand if you explained yourself?”

“Maybe, but my brother was really counting on me to show up. He even gave me a ticket and reserved an awesome seat for me.” They turned their gaze to the window. Silence lingered for only a few seconds before a tear slipped past their defences. “If only things were different today. I wish I could make up with my friend, and… Well, I think it was for the best my partner and I split up. They didn’t appreciate me enough anyway.” S/o tried to laugh, but it was forced.

Ivan cupped his hands around his mug. “I think your brother will understand. You did not mean to miss his concert, and you are very sorry, da?” 

S/o wiped their eyes with their coat sleeve. “Uh-huh.” They sniffled, then laughed. “I think too much has happened all at once. I’m not usually this pessimistic.”

“Everyone has a bad day. It’s okay.”

The waitress returned with s/o’s order, and s/o managed to brighten up. “It’s so cold today, but I guess that’s nothing new.” After the first sip, they visibly relaxed. “This is just what I needed.”

“Do you feel better?”

S/o watched the steam rising from their cup, then nodded. “I do. I feel a lot better.” They looked up at Ivan. “Thanks for listening to me. I really appreciate it.”

There it was. The warmth Ivan saw in the family photo. Even with damp cheeks and glossy eyes, s/o was still a very warm person. It felt even better knowing Ivan played a part in bringing back their comforting aura.

S/o put down their drink and pulled out their phone. Someone was calling them, and whoever it was made s/o turn tense. “I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Ivan waited patiently as s/o answered their phone. They tried to sound casual in the beginning, but their tone soon turned apologetic, and then grew lighthearted. By the end of the call, s/o was wearing a content smile.

“You look happy,” Ivan observed. 

They chuckled. “It was my brother. He was actually worried that I didn’t show up.” S/o began drinking their beverage quicker, though flinched when they burned their tongue. “We’re going to meet up and then I can properly apologise to him.”

“That’s wonderful. I’m glad you and your brother are okay.” Ivan was a little startled when s/o chugged back the rest of their drink and stood up. “Oh, you’re leaving now?”

S/o ran their fingers through their hair and then adjusted their coat. “Yep! I’ve gotta make an effort to actually see him this time.” Before leaving, s/o approached Ivan and wrapped their arms around him in a strong hug. “Again, thank you so much for letting me vent. Um,” when they pulled away, they fished a pen from their pocket and grabbed one of the napkins on the table. “If you want, here’s my number. Maybe we could hang out again sometime?”

He was surprised, but overall happy. Ivan always struggled when it came to making friends, yet here he was already getting s/o’s number. He was joyful. “I would like that very much.”

After handing him the napkin, s/o hurried to the till to pay for their drink before dashing out of the café. As Ivan was about to examine the napkin, something slammed against the window. It was s/o again, but they were grinning from ear to ear, most likely amused by Ivan’s reaction. They pulled away and waved before finally disappearing down the street.

Ivan chuckled and looked back at the napkin. “That was nice,” he mused, sitting back in his seat with his cup in hand. As time passed, however, Ivan noticed the room getting colder. He glanced around at the other customers, but no one else looked bothered. 

He soon realised that, when s/o left, they took the warmth with them.

Ivan took out his phone and went to work adding their number to his contact list. Once everything was in order, he sent them a message:

: It was nice talking to you today. I look forward to seeing you again soon! ^J^ :

Once his phone was tucked away, Ivan breathed a longing sigh. “It’s cold today.”

[voidspiraling]

What do you think about the Red pupils in alien stage? Because when I first see them I think it’s just an Ivan trait, but in a few shots, Till has them too. Specifically when it’s related to Ivan. I would think it’s stress because of the fact he was stressed when Luka was manipulating him, but there’s also the Metor shower scene where he’s the happiest we’ve seen him at. Also! Thoughts on the comic where Till says “Because of you Mizi won’t play with me anymore?” And Ivan says that it wasn’t Mizi playing with him it was him? Like, what do you think that comic could mean on both their relationship + how Till loves Mizi? Cuz I think it’s interesting that he’s in love with her because of her smile and her presence but mistakes Ivan for her

Hiiii Srry for the late reply I had finals weeks and was dying. Thank you so much for your ask I’m happy to talk abt red pupils and the comic!

Red eyes are super interesting in IvanTill.

This is the first shot from R3 we get of baby Ivan, and his eyes naturally have the red dot in them. Usually they’re a darker color so his eyes look black most of the time.

So I disagree with the theory that the aliens experimented on Ivan’s eyes to turn them red. His eyes have always been red, you just don’t notice it unless you boost the saturation and contrast. Or have super strong eyes ig. HOWEVER.

Ivan’s eyes get redder when he feels strong emotions. This is the comic showing his final thoughts, here he is likely feeling jealous that Sua was able to be in a mutually requited love with Mizi. It’s almost like his entire world is turned upside down. What do you mean the girl who is so similar to me is able to find happiness? Why couldn’t I? Why is she so happy and I’m so miserable when we’re both the same? So we can associate bright red eyes with intense feelings. Just like how the color bright red can mean intense love but also extreme danger. Now let’s talk about when Till’s eyes are red.

The first time in canon is the infamous meteor shower scene. It’s one of the happiest times we see him. In this moment I think the red pupils represent the happiness and love he feels for Ivan. I’ve talked abt the red sky before but I’ll briefly say that this bright sky is a pivotal moment in both of their lives. It’s where their love was almost fully realized (in my delusional eyes) before being ripped to pieces. Remember red means love but it also means danger. So when Till’s eyes are red it means he’s feeling an intense emotion related to Ivan, bc Ivan naturally has red eyes. In this scene it’s probably love that he is feeling intensely.

Now let’s look at R6 Till, his eyes are red here too but it’s not out of happiness but of heartbreak. I wanted to talk abt this later so I’ll keep this short. But isn’t it strange that Till was so defeated after Mizi disappeared. She wasn’t even confirmed dead but he was already at his lowest. I think the real reason he stopped singing wasn’t just bc he was sad abt Mizi, but bc he didn’t want to win against Ivan. Losing his idol made him realize that the only person he has left is Ivan. It’s like a reality check for him. (Honestly if Mizi somehow won R5 I feel like he’d still throw the match but I’ll explain my delusions separately.) Anyways in this moment right before Ivan kisses him, he is probably shocked at seeing Ivan. Remember Till doesn’t realize that Ivan loves him, he probably attributes Ivan’s weirdness around him as something he does out of hate rather than him trying to get the attention of his crush. So seeing him also throw the mic away and stand so close to him was surprising but also comforting in a sense. At least the last face he sees will be Ivan.

Now onto R7, this is I think the brightest red we see in Till’s eyes. I think this is bc his world just ended hours ago (however long the time between rounds is idk rlly all I know is that R6 and R7 happened the same day.) All the ppl he grew up with died, he doesn’t know what happened to Mizi, and he’s up against the Ruler of the Stage. But here his eyes are red when Luka impersonates Ivan. Again his red eyes likely represent the deep heartbreak and sadness he feels about Ivan. After Ivan’s sacrifice and kiss Till has to re-contextualize everything Ivan has done. I think also it forced him to confront the red sky that haunted him (ie: missed chance at freedom, finding happiness with Ivan) there was a lot of red scenes and red lights during R7 that reinforces this idea.

Overall red eyes are Ivan’s signature, but it’s easy to miss bc it blends with the black of his eyes. Ivan also wears a lot of black you can barely see any red on him. But Till who cares a lot more abt Ivan than he’s willing to admit, notices the red in his eyes. So when Till’s eyes turn red it means what he’s feeling is connected is related to Ivan. We don’t see Till’s turn red when thinking abt Mizi.

There is one exception however.

It’s in R2. Now this could just be thematic, Till just killed an alien living in his guitar. HOWEVER let’s pretend it’s more than that. Red eyes represent Ivan bc he naturally has red pupils. BUT the color red represents Till. He’s got bright red pants, dark red gloves, blood red on his pants and he’s seen cherishing and holding red flowers.

Methinks Red is Till’s signature color bc Till likes the color of Ivan’s eyes. (And if you think abt it pink is just a lighter shade of red hehehe…)

To answer your question red eyes are an Ivan thing bc he was born with red eyes. But red eyes on Till means he’s looking at Ivan meaningfully, acknowledging his own feelings for Ivan it could be positive feelings or negative feelings. But considering that Till’s eyes turned red from being depressed over Ivan, I think Till has mostly positive feelings for Ivan.

Now part 2!

This comic is basically Till threatening (failing to threaten rlly I mean look at Ivan’s face XD) to punch Ivan in the bathroom bc he believes Ivan was somehow the reason Mizi wouldn’t play with him. You can find the translation on Twitter by @WhataFruit.

Ivan’s response was basically what the hell are you on Mizi never played with you in the first place. Then the small text is him saying I was the one who played with you.

On Till’s side the real reason Mizi doesn’t play with Till, is bc she thinks Till doesn’t like her. She likes how artistic he is, and thinks his piercings suit him. But she sees him awkward and uncomfortable around her and assumes it’s bc he doesn’t like her. She wants to be friends with Till but due to Till’s avoidant tendencies they’re not close.

He blames Ivan for this bc he doesn’t have anyone else to blame. He’s May not even be aware that he’s avoiding ppl like this. Ivan was just a jerk to him anyways so it’s easy to blame him if something he doesn’t like happens to him. This is the kid that steals his pencils it wouldn’t be too surprising if Ivan said something weird abt Till to Mizi.

Another thing is that he talks abt Ivan wanting revenge for hitting them when they were younger. This could be bc Till likely feels guilty abt hitting Ivan. When they grow older, yeah Till still gets pissed at Ivan, but he doesn’t hit him anymore. In fact he tries to ignore him like in the R6 flashback when Ivan pulls at his wound on his cheek. It’s like when you tell a little girl to stop reacting when a boy is mean to her bc he likes her (not that it ever stops the boy from being abusive but whatever). So I think this is how Till sees Ivan’s feelings towards him. He’s doing weird stuff cuz he’s mad at me/hates me for hitting him when we were younger. It could also be he feels guilty for throwing away his only chance at freedom with Ivan. Cuz it wasn’t just his freedom he gave up it was also Ivan’s freedom that was lost. It wasn’t Till’s responsibility or anything I’m not blaming him for Ivan’s choices. But as a result of Till’s actions both him and Ivan are trapped as pets again. Till blaming himself for Ivan coming back could be why he thinks Ivan only has negative feelings for him. And why he doesn’t attack Ivan after Ivan provoked him, he probably thinks he deserves Ivan tormenting him.

Now let’s talk abt Ivan’s response. He’s blunt as always with no tact when he says Mizi never played with you in the first place. But the smaller text is him saying I’m the one who plays with you.

From this the smaller text makes me think abt how Ivan is only truly honest when Till isn’t awake or looking at him.

In R6 Ivan is showing comfort and care to Till after he had been forced to sing for the aliens (idk if that scene has actual SA or if they just drugged him and hit him but regardless Till is suffering here). There is no way to misconstrue Ivan’s action as anything but care here. He unlocks Till’s collar and nuzzles his gently the way Till nuzzles flowers. He could’ve kissed Till here, could’ve unbuttoned his shirt or pinch his face etc. But the only thing he does is gently comfort Till.

I think this shows how Ivan wants to be kind and cherish Till. But something holds him back from doing it when Till can receive that care properly. It doesn’t matter how much you love give someone if the other person never receives it in a way they understand. It’s probably bc for Ivan who has been treated as a product/investment he doesn’t have a lot of self-worth. He’s so used to just fulfilling everyone’s expectations of him that he lost his individuality. Loving Till doesn’t fit inside everyone’s expectations of him, not even Till’s. So he only does what he wants when no one is aware of it, when he’s by himself. In the student interview he allots a lot of time for “private time” this could be bc that’s the only reprieve he gets from constantly acting like the perfect pet for the aliens. And with the low self worth and calling his feelings “shallow” he like Till also believes he’s not worthy of affection.

He acts like a jerk to Till partly out of immaturity, anger at Till for not leaving with him and bc if he acts like this he can maximize the time he spent with Till. If he acted like Mizi, gentle and kind, he assumes Till would run away like he does with Mizi. Remember Till grew up being taken away from his mom and being abused by Urak. As a defense mechanism he assumes that violence is normal and avoids the unknown kindness others have for him. As an avoidant person myself, when you’re not used to ppl being unconditional kind, it is VERY uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough that we shy away from it. So that’s why Ivan fulfills Till’s expectation of him being a jerk when he’s awake. But when Till isn’t looking at him or when Ivan’s abt to die he shows pure love towards Till.

Look at the face, that’s the look of someone in love. And one of the few times we see him wearing a collar. It’s bright green when looking at Till, Ivan you have so much affection how can you call it shallow 🥲 How many ppl could give up their chance at freedom just for the person they love? (This is why I can’t get behind ppl who think Ivan would cage Till or trap him by his side. Ivan literally respected Till’s choice not to leave their hell and even stayed with him and loved him the entire time they were together ;-;)

Also abt the last part I’m unclear where exactly Till mistook Ivan for Mizi? From my understanding I see Till loving Mizi as a performance and I think Vivinos said Till saw Mizi as an idol. Like how most ppl love idols, we only love the fantasy version we come up with of them. Very rarely do we see the messy human side to them. And even tho we may obsess over them and feel intense love for our fav idol. Eventually we turn off the screen and go through with our day. That’s how I see Till loving Mizi.

I mean whenever Ivan is watching Till, Till is mostly drawing, practicing/composing music or just by himself. There’s not really a scene of Ivan watching Till look at Mizi. It could just be that bc it’s Ivan’s pov we only see Till and no one else. But we also know that Ivan has spent a lot of time with Till in the garden, he’s our only insight into what Till is actually like. So I think Till loves Mizi from afar bc he unconsciously doesn’t want to actually get to know her and ruin his image of her. Even after seeing her attack Luka in R5 he still hallucinates her as a gentle almost angelic figure.

I mean I think Till has always loved Ivan but that’s just bc I’m delusional lol.

Anyways thank you so much for the ask! Sorry for the lateness and the nonsensical yapping. My brain is kinda fried rn from all the tests but I might come back and re-analyze the comic.