#rex compartmentalizes the hell out of everything

[notfivefives]

BTHB Pt. 2

The second fill for my @badthingshappenbingo card, requested by @ladylienda. Thank you so much for this request! I’ve wanted to write something like this since I had my heart torn out first watched The Clone Wars! (Also tagging @fivesarctrooper!) I couldn’t contain my love of this prompt in one chapter, so this is actually going to be three chapters, each with a different square filled!

Title: Have I Done No Hurt

Square Filled: Struggling Against The Caretaker

Characters: ARC Trooper Fives & Captain Rex

Word Count: 3,023

Summary: A Fives Lives AU that takes place right after the warehouse scene in 6.04. Rex and Anakin take Fives to the Jedi Temple for treatment, but all does not go smoothly. 

Chapter: 1/3

Warnings: Description of Injury, Loss of Autonomy/Forced Medical Treatment

Read below the cut, or on AO3.

My BTHB Card

The mad clone of Kaikielius. That’s what the Holonet had called him. Slaughtered his own unit in some paranoid delusion. Rex had never been sure if it was true, or if it was journalistic sensationalism.

Or an admonition for clones.

But, no. No, this wasn’t that. Fives wouldn’t just snap.

He just needs help.

“How’s he doing?” Skywalker asked from the front of the speeder they’d commandeered.

Rex pushed his thoughts away as suddenly and as harshly as it had latched onto him. He spared a glance frontward and saw worried eyes in the rearview mirror. He finished removing the last of the plastoid covering Fives’ arms and discarded it.

“He’s in bad shape, sir.” It felt like a confession rather than an assessment.

Rex’s hands were quick and unerring as they undid the cuirass’ clasps and buckles. The sole mark on the white plastoid was the barely-cooled blaster burn on the left side. And beneath that, the flesh the armor had failed to protect.

“Gonna take this off,” Rex told Fives.

“You don’ understand,” Fives said as he blinked and shook his head, trying to clear it. The sound of his worn, doleful voice tugged at Rex, but he needed to get this done.

You’re right, Fives. I don’t understand. What in hells happened to you?

“Tell me later. Right now, just…just take it easy.” Fives’ scent reached him; it was far sharper than something simply born of exertion.

Quiet groans and little hitches in his breath were Fives’ only protestations as Rex maneuvered the cuirass away. (With distaste, he stowed the cuirass with the rest of the armor in the front passenger’s seat. It wasn’t Fives’ armor. It was blank and ineffectual. And wrong.) Some small part of Rex was grateful Fives remained otherwise quiet, especially with the way the general had bridled at his accusation against the chancellor. Fives listed toward the door and curled his arm around himself, obscuring his injury.

“Lie back. Let me see.”

Fives didn’t follow his instruction, but he lifted his eyes and tried to focus on Rex, and-

Fuck!

Fives’ pupils were blown.

Was it shock, or drugs, or something else? They were the same questions that had underscored the discussion of Tup’s breakdown, but Rex knew this was different. Somehow, this was different.

And what had become of Tup? If Fives wasn’t with him…

“Just lean back,” Rex coaxed. He kept his fear, worry, and inevitable grief well below the surface as he put a careful palm over the gray cog on Fives’ chest and eased him onto the backrest. Fives resisted, then relented with a wince.

“It’s okay,” Rex said. He was gentle as he set his fingers on Fives’ forearm. He was so, so gentle and it hurt that he had to be, when a good-natured clout would have been a welcome show of warmth and concern. Especially to Fives. “I just want to see.”

Please let me help you, Rex willed.

“‘Kay,” Fives murmured. He frowned as he stared at some fixed point in front of him, but he moved his arm at Rex’s light prodding.

Blackened skin was indistinguishable from wizened fabric; plastoid was stuck there, too. The wound seeped lazily, and as ugly and awful as it was, it was unremarkable compared to thousands of other wounds on thousands of other identical bodies. Completely survivable, and if it had the chance to heal, it would scar over. It was often the best a clone could hope for. The only unique thing about the burn was its infliction.

Fox doesn’t miss, Rex thought.

He didn’t indulge in his knee-jerk anger at Fox. He couldn’t. It evaporated almost as soon as it had flared, but another thought was there in its wake, one that left a cold feeling in Rex’s gut. Could he have done the same thing had their positions been reversed, and Rex had had to turn his own DC’s on Fives?

Skywalker settled them on a landing pad on the south side of the temple before Rex could delve more completely into that line of thought.

Fives leaned against Rex’s left side as they followed their general out of the still-dark Coruscant morning, and into the Halls of Healing, where they were surrounded by deep blues and warm creams, an environment to promote peace and healing. Fives’ head was bowed, but his eyes shifted from room to room as though he was trying to determine the angle from which he was going to be ambushed.

“You don’t know. You don’t know what they did to us,” Fives said. His voice was rushed and hoarse. Rex could hear something in him fraying. “It’s in our heads, Rex. It’s-”

Fives’ voice broke off in a yelp when one of his feet caught on the floor. Rex saw Skywalker turn on his heels and move to help, but Rex had him. Fives took a faltering step back the way they came.

“Easy, easy,” Rex said. His voice was soft, but his hold grew firmer. When Fives stilled and tensed, Rex feared he’d made a mistake, that Fives was going to round on him and take a swing. But he only turned and looked at Rex. His jaws were clenched and his eyes, gleaming with unshed tears, begged him to understand.

“We’re almost there,” Rex told him as he drew closer and took all the weight Fives would let him bear. “We’re gonna get you some help.”

They continued down the nearly silent hallway, and when they turned a corner, they found themselves in Vokara Che’s presence.

“Master Che,” Skywalker said as he straightened. “We need your help.”

For a heartbeat, Rex thought she may turn them away, that the Jedis’ involvement was out of the question, that he’d be officially forced to take Fives into custody and turn him over to some horrific form of interrogation. But as her gaze swept over the three of them, there was no surprise or condemnation there. Just calm evaluation.

“This way,” she said, tilting her chin.

They followed her brisk footsteps to a treatment room two doors down from where they’d stood.

“I trust, General Skywalker,” Che said, “that the council is aware your man is here in the temple?”

Skywalker crossed his arms, and glanced at Fives and Rex before dropping his gaze.

“Not exactly.”

Che didn’t seem to take umbrage with that.

Hells, Rex realized, she probably expected it.

He’d met Master Che on several occasions, but it had only taken him moments to decide she had his respect.

She commed someone, then went about turning on monitors. Rex kept her in his periphery as he and Skywalker helped Fives onto the exam table. Once seated, Fives’ shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his eyes with shaking hands. The sheen of perspiration on his brow went undisturbed. Rex kept a hand on Fives’ shoulder. He wasn’t sure if it was to help keep Fives grounded, or reassure himself that Fives was still with him.

“He’s been shot,” Rex said without taking his eyes off of Fives when Che came over. “And I think he’s been drugged.”

Che nodded, stepped around Rex and raised the top half of the medcot before she began taking a medscanner over Fives’ hunched form.

“What’s his name?”

“Fives,” Rex and Skywalker said in unison, both equally solemn.

Another nod.

“Fives, I’m Master Healer Che. You’re safe here. I want you to know that. I hope you can trust that.” The bright greens, reds and blues of the scanner’s readings leapt onto the monitors. Rex was unsure what most of it meant, but his own limited knowledge, and the tightness around Che’s eyes told him it wasn’t anything good. “I’d like to examine you, but I think it might be easier on you if you go ahead and lie back. And the captain can help you out of the remainder of your armor.”

“She’s gonna fix you up, Fives,” Rex said when he felt Fives’ muscles go rigid. He forced as much cool-headed certitude into his voice as he could and squeezed Fives’ shoulder. In truth, Rex was relieved to have a task to complete. While Che gathered and prepared what she needed, Rex went to work.

Fives allowed himself to be guided down and back, allowed his last vestiges of protection to be taken away. But for every clasp that was undone, and every piece removed, something frightened and pleading would surface through the haze in Fives’ deep amber eyes that made Rex wish he could pull him close and unmake everything that had happened since they’d set foot on Ringo Vinda.

“I’m here,” he said when he set the final piece of plastoid down with the rest. He put his hand over Fives’, whose fingers were digging into the padding beneath him. “I’m here. It’s going to be okay.”

But what if that was a lie?

“I just…I...” Fives said as he tried to lift himself.

“Easy.”

Rex didn’t raise his voice; he pressed Fives back down as firmly as he had to, and as kindly as he could afford. Fives’ hands grabbed at his forearm, and Rex let him.

“I just wanted to do my duty,” His words came out desperate and breathy as his dilated eyes searched Rex’s steady expression. The absence of Fives’ dark curls made his eyes look bigger, more hunted. There were deep, dark circles beneath them, and, regardless of Fives’ ability to endure, Rex wondered when the last time was he’d slept or had something to eat.

“I know, Fives,” he managed. Rex took one of Fives’ hands from his vambrace and held it in his own, wanting so badly to soothe and comfort him. “I know, but you have to let us help you, yeah?”

Rex thought Fives was going to try to bolt, but he dampened his chapped lips, swallowed hard, and settled back. His hand tightened on Rex’s when Che took her place on the opposite side of the table, and a tall Mirialan entered the room. His blue eyes were as sharp and intelligent as Che’s, and his face boasted none of his people’s tattoos. His fingers stopped worrying at the pale gemstone around his neck when he introduced himself as Idan.

“They’re going to help,” Rex assured Fives, though that pervasive what if kept time with his heartbeat.

“Okay, Fives, we’re going to get you taken care of,” Che said once she’d imparted her orders to the newcomer. She explained herself before touching Fives in any way, and while Fives’ hand shook with how hard he was holding Rex’s, he let her go about her business. She shined a penlight in his eyes, one then the other, then swung the light back and forth between them. His pupils barely contracted, and Rex could see the miniscule wrinkling of Che’s nose. “Fives, the Captain said he thought you were drugged. Is that accurate?”

“Nala Se,” Fives said with a slow nod. Even through his disorientation, the underlying vitriol in his ragged tone was unmistakable. One of Che’s eyebrows lifted and she looked at Rex.

“The Kaminoan Chief Medical Scientist.” Rex’s voice sounded distant in his own ears as he unconsciously brushed a thumb over Fives’ knuckles. Was this a piece of the puzzle, or a thread in an elaborate, but unraveling delusion? The longnecks could have subjected Fives and Tup to any manner of mental or physical unpleasantness in the interest of discovering what had gone wrong with the weapons they’d bred. Rex felt a down his spine. For all their innovations and haughty indifference, they were merely arms dealers.

Fives’ words echoed in Rex’s mind.

You don’t know what they did to us.

“Any idea what you were given, or how much?” Che asked.

It’s in our heads.

Fives shook his head no and eyed Idan warily. Idan approached and offered Fives a quiet greeting before placing a pulse oximeter on his left middle finger. Fives shifted when Idan began to shear away the ruined body glove, but Rex saw him work to keep himself under some semblance of control.

“Excuse me,” Idan said to Rex when he required more space to work. No matter how polite and well meaning the Mirialan’s words were, something ferocious and unbidden rose up in Rex at the realization he was being asked to let go of Fives. He quelled the impulse in the span of several breaths, and whatever words had been on his tongue went unspoken.

He squeezed Fives’ hand before setting it down and stepping back. Fives’ head rolled to the side as he watched Rex; the tiny groan that escaped him nearly sent Rex rushing back. But this wasn’t the time. All Rex could give was a small nod and mirthless twitch of his lip.

“I’m right here,” he said, thinking too suddenly and too keenly about brothers he’d never been able to say that to. “Let them help.”

The upper half of the body glove - the part that wasn’t stuck to FIves’ side - came away, and Che pressed on with her examination and questioning. Fives answered as best he could, mostly with nods and single-word responses; he closed his eyes when he was able, and cringed as he tracked back through the murk in his mind.

“And the incision on your head?” Che asked as she looped a tourniquet behind Fives’ left arm above his elbow.

Fives’ eyes slid open again and the manic despair that had animated him in the warehouse edged its way back into his face and body. Rex didn’t miss the look all three of the Jedi exchanged; he hadn’t been privy to whatever collective vexation they’d felt, but he didn’t need the Force to tell him Fives was coming undone.

“Fives, I need you to be calm.”

The practiced, unflappable calm in Che’s voice was all sense and reason. No patronization. She stepped back and set the strip of blue rubber - It wasn’t dissimilar to her skin tone. -with the rest of the blood draw implements. With difficulty, Fives leaned up as he looked between Skywalker, Rex and the two healers, but his attention locked on the sharp things, the cylindrical things, Che had at her side.

Fives’ breaths turned short and sharp, and he shook his head.

Rex’s heart sank. A line had been tread over; it had become too much, and he didn’t think there was any going back.

“Gedaway,” Fives slurred as he lurched to his side. Idan caught him by a shoulder and a thigh with lightning-fast hands and tried to push him back down. “Don’ touch me!”

Rex was at Fives’ side again in two quick steps. When he pushed Fives’ shoulders down, Idan moved his grip and weight to Fives’ legs. Fives shoved and struck at Rex with uncoordinated, but determined limbs until Skywalker pinned his hands against the table.

“Woah, Fives,” he said. There was worry in Skywalker’s eyes, but there was lightness in his voice that only he could manage in the most dire situations. But beneath that, Rex could tell Skywalker knew. He knew this wasn’t Fives.

Fives bucked against them and let out a sound that wasn’t a moan, or a sob, or a snarl. Maybe it was all three, the result days steeped in adrenaline and fear.

“Fives! No, no, no.” Rex’s quiet words rattled out of him and he grunted with the surprising amount of force it took to keep Fives down. “It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay. Shhshhshh! Don’t fight us. Don’t fight.”

But this was Fives, and Rex knew he may as well have told him not to breathe. All their assuagements, all their soft platitudes, were met with straining muscle and frenzied, hysterical cries. Fives tried to kick and headbut and bite, but they held him fast. He flattened himself down, then tried arcing himself off the table with renewed urgency. The burn on his side was seeping worse. It had to have been agonizing as he wrenched and struggled, but Fives didn’t seem to notice. The man who had faced down his own execution, the brother whose courage was depthless, was fucking terrified.

“Steady,” Che said as she stepped closer and extended a hand toward Fives’ head.

“NOOOOO!” He howled and then gasped as he tried to pull away, his wide eyes searching for something, anything, that would save him. Tears fell. “No! Don’t! Don’t! NO! NO! NO!”

Che placed the tips of three fingers on his forehead.

“Sleep,” she said. It was a command and a suggestion, and everything else that was felt and not seen.

And Fives just…stopped. Stopped cold.

Rex’s hold on Fives softened and his gaze swung toward Che, who continued about her business as though there had been no interruption. Idan followed suit and Skywalker straightened Fives’ arms before stepping back.

“It’s perfectly safe, Captain,” she said. “Fives is asleep. You and the general are excused.”

“Sir?” Something thoughtless and harried that bordered on outrage wove its way into that single syllable.

“Unless you have information that will help us treat him, I’m asking you to leave us to our work.”

Che’s tone was understanding, but it made it clear she would not be moved from her decision.

They didn’t know anything more than they did when Kix had commed them. Yet, Rex’s feet refused to budge. He looked down at Fives’ unstirring form, knowing he couldn’t mend him, couldn’t reach him. He put his hand in Fives’ once again, and felt an ache swelling in his throat.

“Rex.”

Rex put his shoulders back and turned to look at Skywalker, whose hand was raised halfway to Rex’s vambrace. He hated the helplessness he knew his general would see on his face.

“You’ve done your job, Rex. Let them do theirs.”

Rex’s chin dipped toward his chest and he squeezed Fives’ hand before letting it go. Idan was fitting an oxygen mask over Fives’ nose and mouth, and Che was placing the tourniquet once again. Both were entirely focused on their patient.

Skywalker turned and walked out, and after one last look at Fives, Rex followed.

[phoenixyfriend]

Rex and Anakin Raise a Family: Part One

The beginning of the end is this: Ahsoka removes Rex’s chip and finds her masters, starts to run, and loses her life before they make it to safety.

(She is the chink in all their armors.)

The beginning of the end is this: Anakin does not Fall, is there as his children are born, and sobs himself to pieces as his wife still dies for reasons none can find.

(Darkness would not have saved her, and the Light was already shattered.)

The beginning of the end is this: Obi-Wan mends his relationship with Anakin just in time to stay behind and guard the escape of what is left of his family.

(Obi-Wan would never have forgiven himself if he hadn’t, and Anakin will never forgive his Master’s memory for sacrificing himself.)

The beginning of the end is this: Their path to safety passes through Malachor.

------------------------

The house is small and dusty, but empty and uninfested.

Anakin is used to worse. Rex is used to worse. The twins can barely see six inches beyond their faces, and do not know any better.

“Do you think they take Republic credits?” Rex asks. They still don’t know what planet they’re even on.

Anakin shrugs. There’s no life to him, even with his daughter in his arms, and his son at his side.

“I’ll pawn a blaster if I have to,” Rex decides. He wraps the bottom half of his face in a scarf, and prays that the blond hair and civilian clothing are enough that nobody will look too close for the eyes of a clone.

Anakin shrugs again. They need food for the newborns, who can’t survive on packed rations and hunted game. There’s only so much formula on the ship they took, and it won’t last the week.

(He is not the only person to lose everything in the last three days, but Rex is more practiced at compartmentalizing.)

(There’s more to it, from the Force letting Anakin feel the deaths of those he loves to the extremely personal betrayal that was Chancellor Palpatine’s reveal as a Sith, but when it comes down to the basics, he knows this: Anakin is broken now, and Rex can hold his own widening fissures together a little longer.)

“I’ll be back soon,” Rex promises, and lets the slow blink and half a nod be his general’s response.

The village isn’t very large. It’s not wealthy, but it seems largely untouched by the war. Nobody looks at him for more than a moment, and he thanks the tweaking of his genetic line for the hair that lets him hide just a little more. There aren’t any rumors catching his ear; he only parses about half of what’s being said. They’re in Mando space, and the words flying about are largely Basic and Mando’a, in a dialect he only mostly understands, and sprinkled with what he thinks is Huttese and Bocce. Still, nobody’s passing hushed gossip about the Jedi turning traitor, or the Republic becoming an Empire. Nobody mentions the Separatists or the war.

Rex feels a mix of rising anxiety and loosening fear. People won’t be looking for them yet, not here, but something is wrong for there to be so little hint of the wider conflict. He’s no scout, but he didn’t make Captain--or Commander, for that it lasted only the length of that final, ill-fated battle on Mandalore--by being as unobservant as a fresh cadet.

He finds himself standing in a store specializing in childcare supplies, staring at a shelf of some twenty different kinds of formula.

“You need some help, stranger?”

He glances at the woman out of the corner of his eye, notes down the degree of danger--minimal, even if he’s not in his armor--and decides it’s not too much information. “My friend, his wife died in childbirth, just a day ago. The children need to eat, but...”

Her face turns into a grimace of sympathy. “You don’t know what’s best. Did the midwife not suggest anything?”

A midwife. They really are in the middle of nowhere. “The birth was... they only had a med droid. No professionals.”

He doesn’t elaborate, hopes she’ll just drop it, and she does. She turns to the shelves, eyes them for a long moment, and then picks out three different boxes.

“Here, try these and see which one the baby likes best. They’re what I’d suggest for newborns. Should be easy to make with some hot water. I’m guessing you have bottles already--”

“No,” Rex says, and then scrambles to explain in a way that doesn’t make it clear just how unprepared they all are. “Not enough. It was twins, and nobody expected it.”

“Did she not--”

“Please don’t,” Rex says, desperate already. “It’s been a long few days, and it’s not my story to tell.”

She nods, a tad too slow, but he hopes it’s just concern.

Bottles and pacifiers, diapers and towels, just enough to tide them by with the excuse of buying for the unexpected extra child instead of the truth of having gone on the run the second the twins had been born.

Rex sees the face the woman makes when he goes to pay. His heart sinks.

“I’m... we don’t usually take Republic credits here, you understand,” she says slowly. “But you’re in a bad spot, and I don’t want the babes to suffer. See about visiting the exchange office soon, though.”

He could almost cry. He doesn’t. It’s a near thing.

“Thank you,” he says instead, as emphatically as he can. “Thank you so much.”

She smiles faintly, tightly, uncomfortably. “If I could make one more suggestion?”

He nods.

“There’s... there’s a nurse that runs a clinic down the way,” she says slowly. “She can look over the children, for one thing, but she can also... well, there’s a medication we can sell, to single fathers and the like, but only with a prescription...”

He blinks at her, uncomprehending.

“It induces lactation in those who otherwise wouldn’t,” she says, and bares her teeth in something that isn’t quite a smile. “Not the most popular option, but it’s technically on the table for anyone with breast tissue, and breast milk is usually healthier overall for babies than formula, for most species. Um, it’s popular with adoptive mothers, wet nurses, same-sex couples, single fathers in a situation like your friend’s... tell me if I should stop talking.”

“No, no, I think that he’d actually appreciate that,” Rex hurries to assure her. “I can at least bring it up, and we’ll need to have regular medical attention for the twins anyway, so I need the address, don’t I?”

Her smile brightens into something a little more real, and she scribbles something down on some flimsi. “Here, just give this to your friend. Come here and ask for Teskarim if you have questions; that’s me.”

He commits the name in memory, dips his head in a nod of thanks, and makes his way for the door.

The trip back to the house is, by and large, uneventful. There are still no rumors. There are still no chip-loyal brothers. There are still no bounty posters, or--

His eyes dart back to the bounty board, just for a second. There’s a face on there that shouldn’t be. He doesn’t linger; it’s bad form, suspicious. Instead, he heads for the newsstand a few stalls down, pauses just long enough to get the date, and strikes out for the little house and their ship without changing his stride. Externally, he looks entirely normal.

His mind is in a daze.

3,594 ATC

The year is 3,594.

He hasn’t been born yet.

He does the math.

His General hasn’t been born yet.

Sith Hells, High General Kenobi hasn’t been born yet.

Rex is...

He has to talk to Anakin.

[sontagfag]

a song by song explanation for this playlist

1. Shut Up Kiss Me by Angel Olsen

this screams macdennis to me, like just read guardians of a rare thing and you’ll get it. this is like s6 or s7 dennis bc they stopped fucking after s5 and he just wants to get kissed because he has big feelings but also refuses to say them out loud :( 

most macdennis line: “this heart still beats for you why can’t you see it”

2. I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You by Black Kids

ok so this is dennis being jealous as fuck because mac got a boyfriend and now he’s hanging out at the bar being tender w mac. dennis is the narrator and can’t stand watching them be together + the guy knows mac and him are close and asks him for advice....

most macdennis line: “one, im biting my tongue, two, he’s kissing on you, three, oh why can’t you see”

3. Green Light by Lorde

ok so this one’s about right after mac comes out and starts going to gay bars and so dennis tags along and watches him get hit on and gets super jealous so he just dances w him and kisses him but then pretends it didn’t happen....

most macdennis line: “did it frighten you/how we kissed on the light-up floor?”

4. Bastards of Youth by The Replacement

this is a young macdennis song, about when they were just starting to be friends and yknow they both have shitty home lives so they just sit around and get high and complain about their family in one of their basements and talk about opening a bar one day...

most macdennis line: “the ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please/ if it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand them”

5. I’m Scum by IDLES

ok this song is basically just on here because dennis is a bastard man with no rights, but actually this could just be the paddy’s theme song? while it does have a lefty twist which is probably inappropriate for paddy’s, like, dennis is a bastard man and i just wanna put this one on for him and say to him “you have no rights go be gay you dumb fuck”

most macdennis line: “i’m a minimum wage job/ i’m a mongrel dog/i’m just another cunt/i’m scum, i’m scum”

6. I’m Beating My Head Against the Wall by Jeff Rosenstock

this one is just about both of them being dumbasses who cannot communicate whatsoever, pretty straightforward.

most macdennis line: “talk-talk-talk-talk-talking to you but you don’t wanna hear me speak”

7. Something Soon by Car Seat Headrest

this is a dennis post s12 song about being in north dakota and missing mac...he’s in a foreign place and he doesn’t know anyone except mandy and he’s trying to get a job but he can’t stop thinking about mac....like “only one change of clothes” sounds like someone who just decided to pick up and move to another state...there are so many good dennis lines in this like just listen to it

most macdennis line: “biting my clothes to keep from screaming/taking pills to keep from dreaming”

8. Your Dog by Soccer Mommy

ok, finally one from mac’s perspective! this is him being mad at dennis because he manipulates him all the time and whenever dennis explodes he has to clean up the mess... essentially just the scene from The Gang Dines Out where he says “say something nice to me for once in your life”

most macdennis line: “always talk to other people/ dart my eyes across the room/ forehead kisses break my knees and/ leave me crawling back to you

9. I Must Not Think Bad Thoughts by X

oh this is just pure mac repressed catholic guilt....he loves dennis but he knows he shouldn’t :(

most macdennis line: “walking down the road/ everybody yelling ‘hurry up, hurry up’/ but i’m waiting for you/ i must go slow/ i must not think bad thoughts”

10. Not in Love We’re Just High by Unknown Mortal Orchestra

absolutely about how dennis and mac compartmentalize hooking up when they were high and in high school...poor lil boys

most macdennis line: “songs we started left me broken-hearted/ i have been frozen in time, yeah/ roses on your mind/ will call you home”

11. Should Have Known Better by Sufjan Stevens

this is dennis beating himself up and honestly probably self-harming after doing something dumb to upset mac. he’s too fucking repressed to actually deal with his trauma so of course whenever he upsets mac and they stop talking it reminds him of his parents abusing him when he was young and him crying alone in his room...it’s also about him trying to explain to mac how he has no feelings (ALLEGEDLY) and hasn’t ever since childhood...

most macdennis line: “i should have known better/ nothing can be changed/ the past is still the past/ bridge to nowhere/ i should have wrote a letter/ explaining what i feel, that empty feeling”

12. Old Friend by Mitski

OKAY I HAVE A WHOLE SITUATION FOR THIS ONE. this is like beginning of s13, for one there’s line “we nearly drowned for such a silly thing” which, uh, i know is not literal but THE GANG GOES TO HELL YOU BITCHES. anyway this is exactly like one macdennis fic i read where dennis comes back and mac is dating rex and he’s really jealous but anyway this is them going to a diner and discussing everything that’s happened since he’s left... i can’t remember what fic it is so please help me but there’s an iconic line where mac says “it was always you” to dennis...im feral...

most macdennis line: “i’ll take coffee and talk about nothing baby/ at blue diner i’ll take anything you wanna give me, baby”

13. Doll Parts by Hole

fuck you, dennis absolutely loved Hole in high school because dee bought Live Through This on cd once on a whim and got obsessed and would always listen to it when he was in a crappy mood bc abusive parents though he would never admit it to anyone else...like this is just pure mentally ill dennis self-hatred, and now even tho he’s an adult whenever he is just jumping out of his skin he puts it on alone in the range rover and screams along with courtney love...also it’s about him loving mac so much but because he’s him it just comes out in intense outbursts of anger... 

most macdennis line: “i love him so much it just turns to hate/ i fake it so real, i am beyond fake”

ok i realized that most of these are from dennis’s perspective but like, he’s so easy to pin....dumb bastard man...anyway thank you for reading

[mystery-moose]

TAZ FIC REX

So there’s not a lot of stuff in this particular internet corner, but somehow there is a higher proportion of That Good Shit, so since this seems to be going around, I thought I’d put together my own (not at all) brief list of things to read if you like The Adventure Zone Dungeons and Dragons Podcast Brought To You By Totino’s™.

Emergency First Aid in the Pocket Workshop by Anonymous / 2.5k / mature / The Suffering Game

Magnus and Merle tend to Taako after his run in with some bad luck. His inner monologue goes a walking. // This is one of the absolute best, a great piece of character work with a unique use of POV, a bunch of really cool and well-captured details, and a great handle on all the characters. It don’t get much better.

A Long Day Without You by samalander / 4k / teen / The Eleventh Hour

Magnus Burnsides is happy; he has a wife who loves him, a shop that is the jewel of the craftsman's corridor, and a city that adores him. He just can't stop dreaming about a life of adventure, a life of trials, a life he's never lived. // This is a great little alternate history that slots neatly into canon (in as much as anything IS canon in the Adventure Zone) and is just... it’s a great, emotional little story. It executes on its premise damn near perfectly.

Angus McDonald and the Case of the Mysterious Butter Wyvern by yassan / 5.3k / gen / Lunar Interlude III

In retrospect, Killian should have known it was a mistake to put Taako, Merle, and Magnus in charge of getting the Director's birthday present. // Few stories truly capture the tone of TAZ quite like this one! It’s exciting, it’s a little emotional, it ends really strongly, and it never, ever takes itself all that seriously. It’s exactly what I want, all the time.

Compartmentalize by FriendshipCastle / 1.3k / teen

How the hell do these dudes keep doing what they're doing? // This is a brief little character study that I refer to fairly regularly when I write. It’s essentially just a series of small details, but they fit in a way that I didn’t expect. This one might be down to a “personal interpretation” thing for some people, but for my money? This is a great fic.

starting to sound like a friendship thing by Psilent / 1.7k / teen / post-Moonlighting

"You don't owe me anything," Magnus says quickly. "You're my friend and you were in trouble and protecting that button clearly wasn't working – really sorry about that, by the way – and I couldn't just stand there and do nothing!"

Taako is staring at him. He doesn't quite slump, just holds himself at different angles as the indignation slinks out of his posture to be replaced by bewilderment. "I'm your what?" // This is another story that captures character voices and tone better than almost any other, and those are two of my absolute favorite things about the Adventure Zone to begin with. Being set earlier, it also shows the beginnings of personal growth for this gaggle of assholes, rather than the later stages of it. Just fantastic stuff.

Bye Bye, Boy Detective by FaintingInCoils / 5.5k / gen / major character death

In which Angus dies, Merle and Mavis bond, Pan sends flower messages, and Angus's Rites of Remembrance are way better than Boyland's. // I honestly wasn’t sure I should even recommend this because how fucking dare they, right? But it’s good. It’s great, even. It manages to treat its premise with respect without dipping too deep into despair, to take it seriously without ever changing the tone of the source material. Which is incredible for a story about the literal death of a child, but perhaps not so incredible when you remember that Death is a character everyone knows and speaks to regularly. (Shockingly, this is NOT the saddest thing on this list.)

Coping Mechanisms by The_Bookkeeper / <1k / teen / The Eleventh Hour

They’re not okay, but it’s okay. // Once again, the twin strengths of character voice and tone are here in force. This is a short piece, but it’s one of my absolute favorites, because it acknowledges sadness but isn’t overwhelmed by it. Sometimes people get a little too... intense, for it to feel truly like the Adventure Zone. Not here! This is downright breezy for an examination of melancholy. And I mean that as the highest compliment.

What We Allow by patster223 / 1.8k / gen / The Suffering Game (ep. 56)

Not everything needs to be said aloud. Taako and Merle aren't the most patient of instructors, but that much they've been able to teach Magnus. // Yeah, you might have noticed a pattern with me. Character voices, tone, humor, emotion. You mix all those up just right, you have yourself a rec from me. This actually veers a little too far in the meta direction for me at times (though in service to a good cause!) but this is still too damn good not to recommend.

If Wishes Were Horses by droosy / 3.8k / teen

Taako and Magnus temporarily become a single being to save a village from a rampaging monster. // Now that description is about as plain and boring a way to describe one of the funniest, most pitch-perfect stories I’ve ever seen. This is next-level shit, folks—not only is the tone perfect, not only is it loaded with references to every McElroy family product, not only is it shockingly funny and charming and bizarrely well-written for feeling so absurd, and not only does it perfectly capture the comedic voice of the McElroy Collective, but it’s even got that traditional Adventure Zone arc of “this was supposed to be silly but in the end it’s kind of sweet and has some deeper world-building and a more emotional throughline than you expected.” Depending on the day, this is one of my favorite fics, period. It’s that good.

literally everything by goodnicepeople, particularly

Unhurried / 2.2k / teen / post-campaign / Life is short and some people keep rushing through it.

Like an Open Book / 1.7k / gen /  Angus has a Big Thought then, which is not uncommon for Angus, who is always chasing thoughts. But this one follows as such: He is alone.

Take Up a Place Beside Me / 4.3k / teen / post-campaign / Taako and Kravitz move in. Others move on. Some get dogs.

Everything this person writes is gold of one kind or another. It’s all incredibly well-written, well-realized, extremely evocative and perfectly fitting. The prose here is some of the best you’ll find, with beautiful turns of phrase and incredible use of imagery, and it captures the characters in a thoroughly lived-in way that I really envy. My only complaint (if it can even be called a complaint) is that the tone can be wildly more serious or emotionally intense than TAZ gets on its heaviest day, so if that’s important to you, you might find that takes you out of it. But I encourage you to give them a try, because these are truly spectacular.

HONORABLE MENTIONS BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING LONG (AND THE SAD THING IS I KNOW I’M STILL FORGETTING SOME)

Cinnamon Rolls by goldfishoflove / 2k / gen / The Eleventh Hour /  The morning after the Eleventh Hour, Taako and Magnus are still rattled by what they've learned. Does talking about it help? Hard to say. Do delicious pastries help? Almost certainly.

after all and up here, my dear by starlight_sugar / 2.5k & 1.7k / gen / The Hogsbottom Three / A handful of vaguely-related fics about Scales, Carey, and the world of Faerun.

liminal by starlight_sugar / 2.5k / teen / The Eleventh Hour / Angus McDonald is not dead. The woman he's talking to is.

reaper man by guttersvoice / 4.8k / teen / unfinished work-in-progress / Death is cold, and dreams of music.

[isagrimorie]

January Talking Meme #19 -  what are your thoughts on an AU with a swap of Kenobi/Luke with Ahsoka/Leia? How would it pan out from the end of Rogue One/beginning of A New Hope?

For @ayrki​

I thought about this AU and I realized I don't think this can be a complete AU swap considering her state of mind during the events of Revenge of the Sith and who she is. Here’s what I think an AU of this would look like, I hope it’s okay it’s not exactly what the prompt requested:

At the start of RoTS it would've been a few months (year?) since Ahsoka walked away from the Jedi Order and Ahsoka was disillusioned but she still helped the Jedi when she could.

Namely when she helped organize a resistance against Darth Maul (guy has more lives than a cat) in Mandalore. Ahsoka went toe to toe against Maul and if Order 66 hadn't been activated, she would have captured him.

So if we diverge from the moment Rex (Anakin's loyal right-hand man in the 501st) faked both his and Ahsoka's death the AU can start before Ahsoka goes into self-imposed exile, somehow Ahsoka managed to intercept a message from Obi-Wan about Padme's condition, and the rendezvous point at Polis Massa.

Relieved someone she knew was still alive, grief-stricken, and looking for guidance Ahsoka made her way to Polis Massa just in time to see the twins born and Padme die.

Obi-Wan is beyond relieved that Ahsoka survived and invites her to the meeting room with Yoda and Bail. Ahsoka is horrified at Yoda's plan to separate the twins but Yoda overrode her concerns stating the needs of the many outweigh everything.

Frustrated, Ahsoka volunteered to take Leia with her before Bail could suggest he and Breha could adopt Leia.

After a few second's deliberation, Yoda agreed and Obi-Wan was still too shell-shocked to say anything but a token resistance. They all agree to go their separate ways.

Except Ahsoka realizes she bit more of than she could chew because aside from creche duty Ahsoka didn't know anything about raising a child, much less taking care of a baby.

It's a huge learning curve.

This was when I debated if Ahsoka and Leia could lay low in Tattooine but the more I thought of Ahsoka and Leia getting stuck in Tattooine I realized it would be a slow torturous death for Ahsoka. Ahsoka is a being of movement and shackling her to a planet would kill her. Even as an adult, she never stayed in one planet for long.

Obi-wan Kenobi can lay low on a planet for decades due to a combination of his adherence to the Jedi teachings, guilt and because of the training Yoda asked him to do.

Also, there would be no way in hell Ahsoka would let Owen drive her out of Leia's life. Another reason why she can’t really stay in Tattooine was because certain pirates of Ahsoka's acquaintance might hang around Mos Eisley and identify her. So just like in the Ahsoka novel Ahsoka would decide to settle down in outer rim planets taking on the nondescript identity of Asha.

Ahsoka decided to keep Leia's name.

The events in the Ahsoka novel went down almost similarly except that there's an added complication of Leia, fortunately Ahsoka seem to instinctively draw people in who could help her and the Faardi clan were more than accommodating in both helping Ahsoka to live a nondescript life as a lowly (but talented) mechanic in Thabeska but also help guide Ahsoka raise a baby.

This makes Ahsoka's abandonment of Hedala that much harder but she makes sure when she returned to Thabeska, she would help Hedala control some of her Force powers so she won't accidentally draw any inquisitors to her.

This also helped Ahsoka decide how to handle Leia's Force powers when they start manifesting.

This leads to Ahsoka's time in Raada and how she's even more cautious when the Empire arrives in the Farming Moon but tldr Ahsoka managed to contact Bail and free the people of Raada and get them in contact with the budding rebellion. The Raada people are relocated to a Rebel friendly peaceful planet while helping the rebellion with their food production.

This meant stability for Leia, Ahsoka could safely take care of Leia among a group of people she trusted. A village helps raise Leia.

(In this headcanon Ahsoka lived with Kaeden, a woman she met in Raada. In the Ahsoka novel Ahsoka rescued Kaeden from an imperial jail and in rescuing Kaeden razed an Imperial facility. After a lot of false starts and Ahsoka trying to get over a lot of her Jedi hang-ups Kaeden and Ahsoka are a couple, so Leia also grew up with a family.)

Learning from what happened with Hedala Ahsoka started teaching Leia about the Force: how to use it and block it, and how to fight. She would also tell Leia how the Order lost their way, and in a lot of ways the Jedi were also the architects of their own destruction. She would tell Leia all about her parents, and her brother. She wouldn't see why there would be a reason to keep those details from Leia.

(Yoda didn't tell Ahsoka about Vader = Anakin.)

As Leia grew-up Ahsoka became more and more active in the rebellion, establishing the intelligence unit and creating lines of communications between different contacts. The moment Leia turns 16 years old, Leia begins to make noises about joining the rebellion.

Kaeden stays away from this argument between Ahsoka and Leia, Ahsoka wanted to keep Leia safe but Leia is persistent and even points out how unfair it was since Ahsoka fought in a war when she was younger than Leia ("that doesn't make it right, Leia.")

Kaeden does intervene when things become heated between Leia and Ahsoka, eventually Ahsoka caves (Ahsoka would think back to all her insolent and snippy moments as a teen and she would have a strong urge to apologize to everyone who knew her back then) and allows Leia to join as a messenger.

Leia went by Leia Tano growing-up. Sometimes Leia Nebarrie in her messenger duties.

Ahsoka would realize Leia would need more education and arranged for Leia to stay with Bail. As Bail's ward Leia was in a good position to coordinate with Bail and Breha's government without risking Bail's dual role as senator and founding member of the Rebel Alliance.

Then the events of Star Wars Rebels season 2 happen. Ahsoka lived a very compartmentalized life, Ahsoka never mentioned Leia to the Ghost crew, not even with Rex and then Ahsoka finds out about Vader and, then later who Vader was. Furious, Ahsoka tracked down Obi-Wan and shouts at him before she goes to Malachor.

She wanted to help Anakin but not just that, she wanted to reunite Anakin with Leia but not when he was still Vader.

She fights Vader harder than ever.

Both Leia and Kaeden wait for Ahsoka to return but months pass by and word gets to them that Ahsoka could have died at the hands of Vader. Kaeden is grief stricken but Leia, Leia is angry, she moves to Alderaan permanently and takes the Organa name.

(She still visits Kaeden when time permits).

The events of Rogue One happen and it happens almost exactly the same way as they smash cut right into A New Hope with Leia lying to Vader's face about the plans while sending off her message to Obi-Wan.

The message would be something like: "Master Kenobi, I am Leia Organa and I was ordered to bring you back to Alderaan but my ship was attacked. I've placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion in this R2 unit. You must see this droid safely delivered to Alderaan. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

The other part I'd make in A New Hope is that Leia would be part of the squadron that takes down the Death Star. Luke can have the kill shot but Leia would be the one covering his six.

A New Hope would be a turbulent time for Leia not only because of Alderaan's destruction but because she was happy she finally gets to meet her brother only to realize Obi-Wan never told Luke about her or their parents.

In this AU Leia’s made more of a headway in her study of the Force so she helps Luke learn about the Force. Leia is also a bit angry at Obi-wan for not preparing Luke.

They both become ‘a Jedi like their father’ but Leia adds on her responsibilities in the Rebellion just like in the original canon due to her experience and Ahsoka's teachings.

Leia, btw, would have the satisfaction of yelling at Yoda.

/EDITED