#rewrote this as its own post because i spent too long on this for it to remain unseen lol

[chi-the-idiot]

Full credit to @electronicdelusionstarlight 's post on what if the voices stayed with their respective princesses post the ending, as my inspiration for this came from this very idea. (this version goes more off of the idea that after the gods left the voices each were given their own reality to live with, rather than off of the more correct "we leave as mortals" ending)

(also this is probably a completely inaccurate portrayal of The Cold and The Spectre, but please just go with it for now lol. I may change it later)

OK BUT HEAR ME OUT,

The Cold, who wakes up inside the cabin, finally with a body of his own, with the Spectre sitting next to him.

The Spectre, who tries to keep her distance from him and explains what happened with the two gods, and that she can't really explain why he came back to her.

The Cold, much like her, can't explain why they're both there, but since the Narrator isn't around anymore to dictate his life, he decides that it would be too much of a hassle to kill her.

The both of them remain in the cabin together, as there is no civilization around them (does civilization even exist at this point?) and it's better to go insane in company that go insane alone (or at least that's what the Spectre says, the Cold couldn't care less).

The years pass, and they've grown into a common pattern: the Cold wakes up and fiddles around the small house he has fancied for himself in the once old cabin, while the Spectre follows him around, telling him about what she saw outside the window last night, or commenting about what ideas occurred to her for small decorations to "their house", her words, not his (or so he claims, but each time she mentions it, his eyes look softer, and his feathers seem to puff out ever so slightly). Depending on wether the Cold is going to cut some wood or go hunting, the Spectre may tag along or not by possesing his body. If it's the former, she will spend her time looking around for pinecones or pretty flowers, and collecting them inside a small basket. If it's the latter, she will stay at home and make some decorations to their little home using the items collected.

The Cold is quiet, methodical, he never does something if it is redundant to him. The Spectre, however, is (ironically) filled with life, with an appreciation for small details and the nuances of life surrounding her. He never admits it, really, but he appreciates the attempts she makes to make him happy when she can.

It isn't always sunshine and rainbows. As much as she is vivacious she also isn't clueless, and things can get ugly when in a fight. She may also sometimes get a bit mournful about the life she lost, and although she tries not to outright pin the blame on the Cold (she knows the situation was out of their hands and it did bring the gods a happy ending after all), it's difficult to forget his quiet stare as he dug the blade into her chest. She gets quiet on those days, and if confronted about it, its likely a fight will start between them.

But at the end of the day, she chose to let bygones be bygones, and every day he proves to be changing and growing into someone worth forgiving. He never quite stops his frigid ways (he never hesitates when it comes to hunting, which is exactly why she stopped going with him on those trips), but he has started smiling more, and being more reciprocal of her attentions, in his own weird way.

And one night, many years after he first woke up, as he lays on the roof of the cabin watching the stars, her conciousness next to his, he will come to understand why he appeared here after the gods left, oh so long ago now. And he will whisper, a slight tone of wonder in his voice, into the quiet night, so that only she can hear what she thought would remain unsaid for the rest of his days. And she will smile, and the Cold will feel a warmth in his chest that he thought he would never feel, and he will find that he doesn't hate it as much as he thought he would.

"I love you"

[ahonice]

it doesn't matter

jamie drysdale x fem reader (ft. trevor zegras)

word count: 4.3k

warnings: drinking, sexual themes and mentions of sex, cursing, jamie being a fake swiftie (dw that is taken care of), reader has a guilty conscious, fluff (some angst i think), happy ending (those are rare on this blog), not proofread because i accidentally queued this so it posted on its own oops

note: i rewrote this about three times over the past two months, hope you guys are pleased with the final outcome. any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. hope you guys enjoy. have a great day, love y’all babes <3 !!!

+++

“hey you’re single right?” your head shot up at the sound of trevor, one of your closest friends, voice. you had known trevor since you moved to anaheim for college, on your first day in town he accidentally took your coffee from the pickup area at starbuck and you chased him down because you would be damned if you spent ten dollars on an iced coffee that you wouldn’t of been able to drink. it would’ve been a lie if you said you didn’t have a crush on him, he was so funny and kind and not to mention the fact that he is genuinely gorgeous, but you never acted on anything because you were worried he wouldn’t reciprocate your feelings, and the fact that the two of you have had one too many drunken, and a couple sober, hookups didn’t help either.

“of course i am, or else what we did last night would’ve been morally wrong, why?” your heart rate picked up, thoughts running a mile a minute. was he about to ask you out? did he actually like you back the way you dreamed he did? was our relationship finally gonna be something more than friends who fuck at times?

“i wanna set you up with my roommate, jamie. i think you guys would like each other.”

+++

it was a crushing blow, not only did trevor just inadvertently just tell you your feelings are one sided, but that they are so one sided that he thinks his roommate would be a better match for you than himself. you felt sick to your stomach, this was in no way a heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt.

“earth to y/n.” trevor’s voice shook you from your trance, you had completely forgotten he was there. “you good? you haven’t said a word in like five minutes.”

“yeah i’m fine, um who is this guy? i don’t think i’ve heard you talk about a jamie before.” you wanted this to be a joke, for trevor to say he was kidding, maybe jamie wasn’t real and he just wanted to see if i was open to a relationship right now. 

“well he’s on the ducks as well, seems like your type. brunette with blue eyes, he’s got nice eyebrows too, just a couple weeks older than you, i know you don’t like extremely tall guys so him being 5’11 is perfect.” the more trevor went on about jamie the more you realized that jamie was in fact a real person and did seem like my exact type. “he has freckles too, i know you love those on guys and he looks good in the color green, he checks off all your boxes y/n.” you hated that he did. 

“can i see a picture before i agree to anything?” you didn’t want trevor to get suspicious when you said no, so you wanted to seem like you were at least considering it.

“absolutely.” looking over at trevor’s phone you let out a small sound of surprise.

he was gorgeous

“trevor why have you never told me about him before?” you said, grabbing his phone to go through all of his instagram posts. “he is literally beautiful!” 

“i honestly didn’t even think about it, but jamie saw you at our party last week and asked about you and i knew i had to make you two happen.” trevor said, taking his phone back. “come over tonight. we’re having a party before the season starts, you’ll be able to meet jamie.”

+++

it didn’t take you very long to get ready, your hair and makeup having already been done from your errands earlier in the day, but you did struggle picking out an outfit as every twenty year old girl would. you didn’t quite know who it was that you were dressing up for, in previous months it was always trevor. you were always hoping that he would see you and you would end up staying with him until the morning. while that was usually the case, the second part of your fantasy never came true. the part where trevor realizes he has feelings for you that go further than seeing you as a good fuck. but now there was jamie, you hadn’t even met him yet and you were still wanting to impress him. maybe trevor would see you with jamie and it would make him realize his feelings for you. but jamie seemed nice, once trevor left you looked him up and watched a few too many tiktoks and interviews involving him, he seemed like the polar opposite of trevor and that might just be what you need, it also doesn’t hurt that he was just about one of the most attractive men you’ve ever seen in your life, trevor was not lying when he said that jamie was your exact type. settling on a simple pink top and black jeans you made your way towards the uber trevor had ordered for you, palms sweaty and legs slightly shaking as you confirmed where you were headed before you saw your apartment complex disappear in the distance. 

+++

“y/n thank god you’re here, i was starting to think you were pussying out.” trevor loudly yelled as he approached you, great he was already at least three drinks in. “catch up” he said once he was standing in front of you, handing you a beer. 

“i don’t drink this crap, you know this.” you said, shaking your head as trevor silently continued to push the can in your face.

“fine, i bought you some caymans. they’re in the garage fridge, but don’t take too long, jamie is excited to meet you.” you ignored the way his eyebrows wiggled as you began walking towards the garage.

once you were in there you grabbed two drinks, just so you wouldn’t have to come back out for at least half an hour, as well as a shooter. you needed the liquid confidence that would come from the tiny bottle of pink whitney. 

once you made your way back into the party you walked around looking for trevor, stopping a couple of times to greet those you knew, before you found him sitting with the man of the hour.

“y/n! come here, meet jamie.” trevor waved you over, you took a generous sip of the alcohol in your hand before making your way over, sitting down on the couch. trevor in the middle of us, as he began rambling to no one in particular about something you didn’t quite know, your ears tuning him out as the sound of your heartbeat in your ears took over all your senses. 

“y/n, are you even listening to me?” trevor asked you, gently poking the exposed part of your waist.

“no.” the laugh you heard after that made a bush creep up your neck, jamie’s laugh was just as beautiful as he was.

“rude, anyways y/n this is jamie. jamie, this is y/n.” he motioned the two of you towards each other as he talked, jamie reached in front of him to offer you his hand. “now get to know one another, i’m gonna go play pong.” trevor stood up before you could protest him leaving you alone with jamie.

you expected it to be awkward, but it wasn’t. conversation was flowing between the two of you like you had known each other for years, you talked about the basics, what tv shows you enjoyed, favorite movies, taste in music, which then led to a thirty minute discussion about taylor swift and how jamie claimed he was a swiftie but couldn’t name any songs that weren’t played on the radio

“i have a lot to teach you i guess.” you were definitely making it obvious that you were interested in him, but you didn’t care. you’d usually be so shy around a guy so cute, but something about jamie made you calm, that was the simplest way to put it.

“i would love that.” the blush on his face matched yours. you smiled at him, contemplating whether or not you wanted to ask the question you had been wanting the answer to all night.

“so why have i never seen you around or met you before? i’ve known trevor for almost two years now, and i’m over here quite a lot.” 

“i usually just stay in my room all day, especially during parties, i’m not the biggest fan of them.”

“then why are you out here right now and not bunkered up in your room?”

“i wanted to meet you, to get to know you.” jamie answered, scratching the back of his head and giving you a sheepish smile. “i came downstairs last weekend to grab something from the kitchen and that's when i saw you, i really lucked out that you are friends with trevor or else i probably never would’ve been able to find out who you were.” 

you nodded at his response, informing him that you were glad you were friends with trevor too.

“speaking of him, i was hoping to see him again before i left.” you told jamie, standing up from your spot on the couch noticing his slightly upset expression. “let me give you my number, i would love to see you again, maybe begin my lessons on taylor swift to you.” 

“i would love that.”

+++

after exchanging contact information with jamie you made your way outside towards the pong tables, hoping that trevor would still be out there. 

“hey trevor, i was just about to leave, wanted to say goodbye.” you said approaching him in the dimly lit yard.

“you’re leaving already? i didn’t even get any time with you.” he pouted, resting his chin on your shoulder his arms loosely around your waist. 

“sorry trev, but i got to know jamie. don’t let this get to your head, but i think you might be a pretty good wingman.” you joked, your arms around his neck gently running your hands through the ends of his hair. it wasn’t abnormal for the two of you to be so affectionate, so this felt normal.

“good, i’m glad.” his tone didn’t sound like his statement, but you could easily chalk that up to the alcohol in his system finally wearing him down. 

“why don’t i help you get into bed? basically everyone has left already.” you suggested, forcing his head up to meet yours at your eye level.

he smirked before responding. “i like where this was going.” 

“nothing like that buddy, besides you just set me up with your best friend that wouldn’t be a good idea, don’t you think?”

“that's not fair, you can’t do that.” he mumbled, his head dropping back down into the crook of your neck. “you can’t say you're taking me to bed, and then not take me to bed the way i want you to take me to bed."

you rolled your eyes at his comment and began dragging him back inside and up towards his room. once you wrestled him out of his jeans, giving up on putting pants on him because of his multiple attempts to lure you into bed, you got him to lay down and made sure he was comfortable before you headed downstairs to get some water and pain killers for him to take once he woke up in the morning. 

“goodnight trevor.”

you made your way outside onto the front lawn while you waited for your uber to arrive. you usually would’ve taken trevor up on his offer to spend the night with him, but something about even just thinking about doing that was now making you feel guilty. it wasn’t like you and jamie were in a committed relationship or anything, but he seemed to genuinely like you and was actually interested in getting to know you and you didn’t want to do anything to sabotage that.

+++

from: unknown number

can we meet up today for coffee or lunch? i would love to start becoming a real swiftie.

to: unknown number

am i right in assuming this is jamie??

from: unknown number 

yes 🙃

to: jamie🤭

i would love to meet up.

to: jamie🤭

could we get lunch? i am literally starving because of my hangover.

from: jamie🤭

absolutely. send me your address, i’ll come pick you up. 

+++

you were in full panic mode, you had no idea what to wear and the fact that it was visibly obvious that you were hungover didn’t help at all. you told jamie to give you at least thirty minutes, after he told you that an hour was too long. 

you took the fastest shower you ever have in your life before tackling the biggest issue, your outfit. you went through every drawer, bin, and your closet before you decided on biker shorts and a crewneck. you could only hope that jamie wasn’t planning on taking you somewhere with a dress code. 

makeup was applied and your hair was pulled into a claw clip before jamie texted you that he was outside, you did some final touches before you made your way out of your apartment complex. you lucked out seeing that jamie was in a comfy outfit just like you were. once you were buckled up jamie handed you his phone and told you to pick the music before driving off.

+++

“so what is your all time favorite taylor swift song?” jamie asked once he joined you in the booth you found for the two of you, he had taken you to in and out claiming he was craving a burger, and you didn’t complain because you would never pass up the opportunity to fuck up some animal fries.

“i don’t have just one, i think it is humanly impossible to have just one.” you told him, taking a sip of your lemonade before continuing. “i do, however, have a list of my top sixteen songs by her in no particular order.”

“sixteen songs? that’s insane.” 

“she has over two hundred songs, you’ve got a lot of listening to do.”

“well why don’t you give me your list of songs, the only ones i really care about are the ones you like.” you blushed at his words, before stating all of your favorite songs by her. his only responses were “i don’t know that one, never heard of it, i know that one, wait no i don’t”

once you were done and jamie confirmed all the songs were now added to his spotify you two began eating as you gave him a run down of her career.

“so who is your favorite and least favorite ex of hers?”

“i hope you don’t have plans for the rest of the day because i have a lot to say on this.”

+++

“do you want to get dessert? there is a nice ice cream place a few minutes from here.” jamie asked while you two were walking around huntington beach. you didn’t even realize how long the two of you had been hanging out until he asked if you wanted to get dinner, and now three hours after that when he is now asking to get dessert. 

“yea i would love to.” he smiled down at you and you made the move to hold his hand. “sorry, i hope this is ok, i just wanted to hold your hand.” you blushed, turning your head away from him.

“it’s ok, i wanted to as well.” he blushed as well before he began leading the way towards the ice cream shop. 

+++

“i had a lot of fun today, i was honestly a little nervous that with both of us sober it would be a little awkward, but it wasn’t and i would like to see you again. soon. sorry if that is a bit forward.” you told jamie as he pulled up in front of your apartment.

“i’d like to see you soon too, like tomorrow soon. are you busy tomorrow? we could get dinner, a nice place this time, not that in and out and qdoba aren’t nice it’s just-”

“yea i would love to, just send me the restaurants info before so i can figure out what to wear.”

“you’ll look beautiful in whatever you wear y/n.” you blushed at jamie’s comment before leaning over and giving him a kiss on the cheek. you were quick to get out of the car, yelling a goodbye as you ran into the front doors of your building.

+++

“finally you’re back. where the hell were you? i’ve been here for hours.” 

“how the hell did you get into my apartment trevor?” you asked the boy who was sprawled out across your couch eating your food. “stop eating my wheat thins asshole.”

“i found your spare key, i mean hiding it on the top of the door frame is just a horrible idea y/n.” trevor said as he went back into your kitchen, hopefully to put your snacks away.

“what are you doing her trev?” you asked, taking your shoes off before making your way into the living room.

“where were you? you’re never out late, and i got here at like two and it’s now eleven. did you pick up a shift?” trevor was quick to join you on the couch, grabbing a blanket and throwing it over the two of you.

“no, i was actually with jamie, he picked me up at noon to get lunch and then we spent the whole day together.” you blushed remembering how much fun you had today and how it was the first time in a while that you had enjoyed a date that much.

“oh, i didn’t realize that you two were getting along that well.” trevor said, reaching towards the table to grab the remote. “what the hell did you two talk about for nearly twelve hours? jamie cannot be that interesting of a guy.”

“we started off talking about taylor swift and how he is a fake swiftie, just like you are.” trevor cut you off with a gasp and hit you with the pillow he was using. “and then we talked about our childhoods, stories from school and growing up where we did.” you smiled at nothing, just reflecting on this one story jamie had told you about his worst halloween costume, which you then one upped with your own horrible halloween story. “thanks for pushing me to meet him trevor, i know it’s only been a day but i feel an actual connection with him and i can’t remember the last time i felt that with a guy.” 

+++

you and jamie had been going on dates multiple times a week for the past month now and tonight the team had the night off and jamie was taking you to his favorite restaurant for date night. you weren’t dating, yet, but both you and jamie have spoken about it as something you both want. it’s just up to when the timing is right.

“where is he taking you out tonight?” trevor asked you as he joined you in your bedroom. you called him over to help you pick out an outfit for tonight.

“cortina’s” it wasn’t a black tie restaurant, but it wasn’t a jeans and a tshirt restaurant either. “i was thinking my black leather pants and then a nice top, maybe my pink top with the mesh sleeves?” you were met with silence from your best friend, “hello? earth to trevor.”

“sorry what?” you rolled your eyes before entering the bathroom, changing into the outfit you had in mind. “what do you think?”

“i think that jamie isn’t coming to pick you up for another two hours and that gives us plenty of time to have some fun.” trevor said, wrapping his arms around your waist and giving you open mouth kisses on the exposed skin of your neck down to your shoulder, you let yourself revel in the feeling before you snapped back into your senses.

“trevor stop.” you pushed his arms off of you as you distanced yourself from him. “trevor you can’t do that, we can’t do this anymore.”

“why not y/n? you and jamie aren’t dating, there is nothing wrong with it. it’s been a month and i’m getting frustrated.” he groaned, flopping down onto your bed.

“that is not my issue trev, don’t blame me. i can guarantee that there are at least one hundred girls in your dm’s right now who would be willing to hook up with you, go bother one of them.” you snapped back at him, not in the mood.

“i don’t want some random girl, i want you y/n. aren’t you in the mood even a little bit, it’s been a month for you too.” you avoided his eyes as you made your way to your vanity to begin your makeup. “wait have you been fucking jamie? what the fuck y/n?”

“trevor you have no right to be upset, we are nothing. you were the one who set us up. isn’t this what you wanted?”

“no this isn’t what i wanted, i should’ve just made jamie make a move on his own. if that was the case you would still have no idea who the hell he was because jamie is too much of a little-”

“get out.” you cut trevor off before he could say anything worse. “trevor get out and don’t talk to me until you manage to get your head out of your ass.”

+++

“is everything okay? you seem a bit off.” jamie asked, he was right. after your argument with trevor you had been a bit out of it, the guilt of what you had done with trevor in the past was eating away at you. “could we talk about it later? i don’t want to ruin dinner.” your voice was shaky as you spoke.

“yes of course, but i’m gonna be honest i’m a little worried now.” jamie said, playing with the napkin on his lap. 

“i am too, don't worry.” your attempt at a joke didn’t help, but thankfully the waiter came to take our orders. 

+++

dinner was terrible. 

you two tried your hardest to have everything be normal and how things had been in the past month, but both of you were worried about what you had to say. jamie was scared you were gonna break things off with him, he was already nervous for tonight because he was going to ask to make things official between you two, and now he was even more on edge. while you were worried that after you told him about you and trevor’s past that he would no longer want anything to do with you and would break things off before they even got fully started. 

“so can you tell me what is going on?” jamie asked once you two had exited the restaurant and were sitting in his car.

“i want you to know that this started before i even knew you existed and it stopped the moment i met you.” you took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. “trevor and i had been hooking up, for nearly the whole time we were friends, but i swear to you the second i met you i cut it off. i’m really sorry for not telling you sooner, it’s just that i really, really, like you and i didn’t want anything to jeopardize that, even though keeping it a secret probably wasn’t the best alternative.” you looked out the window, avoiding his gaze, afraid of how badly he was judging you right now. “i understand if you don’t want to continue this anymore, you can just drop me off right here and i’ll uber home.”

“y/n. i don’t care.” you finally peeled your eyes away from the reflection of the cars in the side view mirror to see jamie looking at you with a smile. “your previous relationships are none of my business, yes it is a bit uncomfortable that he is my roommate and one of my closest friends, as well as one of yours, but i really, really, like you too so that doesn’t matter to me.” you smiled back at him, a few tears building up in your waterline. “i was actually going to ask you if you wanted to be my girlfriend, and i still want to. so y/n would you make me the happiest man alive and officially become my girlfriend?”

“yes jamie, i would be honored.” you leaned over the center console and kissed his cheek, to not distract him from the road. “it sounds like you proposed jamie.” you laughed. “are things going to be weird around trevor for you?” you hated the idea of being the cause of their falling out, or to have any team problems sprout from this.

“yes.” jamie replied bluntly. “and i’m definitely not the biggest fan of you two hanging out without me there, at least for a little bit, but it’ll all work out. i won’t let it get to me or my game, but the second he makes a comment about you it’s over.”

you giggled before replying with a short “got it.” and placed your hand over his.

“and don’t worry, i never plan on going anywhere without you drysdale. you’re gonna have to start coming to girls' nights too.”

+++

note: i actually rewrote this three times and each time the plot was different, the last version was so much juicer and had so much drama (trevor realized he was in love with reader, but he was too late dun dun DUNNNN) but i cut that out because i couldn’t get the wording right. anyways i hope y’all enjoyed, leave feedback (any and all is appreciated), have a great day, i love y’all babes <3 !!!

[callsignfate]

ACK- long authors note.

(TL;DR: I post once a day minimum, I take too long to edit posts in my own overly complicated way of writing, and it's getting a tad bit out of hand. I love posting, but I want to make sure I have content for the long run. If I post more than once a day, it's kinda a bonus post.)

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Fate here,

I just wanted to let you know that I post once a day. Minimum. If I post more than once in a day, that was just something I finished early, or I decided to post something different the following day and decided why the fuck not?

If you see a vote, that just means I've finished writing all of the things on the vote list, and they just need to be edited. On my last vote, I did say I'd post the top three that day, but the Valeria x fem!reader story (Personal Exile) took WAY longer to edit than I had initially realized. I had added more, didn't like some of it, and rewrote it. It's a process.

For anyone wondering how I write its kinda convoluted. I write on my phone notes app because I'm chronically busy. I live on a farm so it's very 'go go go' with little breaks to go to my computer. So I write a VERY rough draft in my notes app. I then copy and paste it over to my computer to a Google document. It's then in the stage where I read it, rewrite it, and read it again.

After that, it gets looked over on grammarly because I suck with grammar. Finally, it gets read over one more time and briskly editing any last things before it gets copied and pasted into Tumblr! I title it, find a gif, add some final details like the another's note, and then finally posted.

Now wait, you can make that easier!

I know, I really do. I just like the way I write. It's convenient for how my life works. Now I'm not saying anyone else should write this way or not write this way. You do what works best for you! I also like how I have multiple drafts in different places because I've almost lost or deleted things a few times.

So, wait, you're not posting multiple times a day?

Nope, sorry to anyone who loved the near constant flow of material to read. I have spent every free moment writing, and at first, I thought I had plenty of little things in my phone notepad to post. I was kinda wrong. I do, but not if I still want to create and write more. I currently have a ton of things thar are finished or almost finished. That just needs to be edited.

Editing is actually, like I said, a little harder because I do it at my desktop, meaning I have to be at my desktop to do it. This means I have to stop doing farm chores to do it, which is usually the end of the day.

So you post once a day? When?

Usually, once a day, if more than that means I wasn't as busy and had time to post, edit, or write. I usually post at different times, mainly later in the evening (EST).

I will be doing more votes to see what you want to see next! I love to make sure anything I post is what you guys want to see more of! I will say I have plans to post a few bonus Laswell and Farah things that will all be x!fem reader because I have been posting a lot of Valeria. Who I love to write for don't get me wrong, but I wanna make sure I have plenty of posts for all three of them.

I currently like to make sure I have the next part or the next few parts written or planned out so that if I can't write or fall behind, you guys still have the next part no matter what!

Thank you for every like, repost, comment, everything! It means a lot to me, and it honestly motivates me to write. I promise I see you all liking and commenting, and I deeply appreciate it!

Now, let's get back to your regularly scheduled program!

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[prettylittlelyres]

Hi buddy! Its Athena, I'm sending this out to all my mutuals - what got you into writing, what inspires you, who inspires you and what music inspires you to write? what do you love about writing?

Thank you so much for asking! I'm finally getting around to answering now, but I've had these questions in my head ever since they arrived in my inbox. I knew this was going to be a long post, so I've put it off until there's been a good time, which is today.

What got you into writing?

I learned to read when I was three, and we've always had a house full of books. Most of my collection is digital now, as I've moved house (internationally) too many times in the last ten years to keep a bedroom full of paperbacks, but books have been a huge part of my life.

It's hard to say what exactly got me into writing, because I don't really remember not writing... but I think my biggest inspirations have been Hilary McKay (author of the "Casson Family" books, and my namesake), Anna Godbersen (I love the "Luxe" series!), and the "My Story" series that Scholastic released (various authors, but I think Alison Prince and Valerie Wilding are my favourites!) in the early 2000s.

We had some Creative Writing lessons in primary school, with a teacher who then discouraged us from writing creatively (sheer peculiarity of that person), so I took up writing defiantly, and got good at hiding paper up my sleeve, in my pockets, in my socks, anywhere I could be sure it wouldn't be found. At one point, I was carrying around probably 5,000 words at a time! My friends used to help me break into the teacher's desk to get my confiscated work back, and I'm still so grateful to them for doing that.

Through secondary school, I kept writing for fun, and wrote several drafts of what has become "This Still Happens" during my GCSEs and A' Levels. I was lucky enough to take Creative Writing A2 with AQA before the government shut the course down, and I still use the techniques I learned from those extremely kind, encouraging teachers.

What inspires you to write?

My creativity always seems to kick in when I'm on the train. Whenever I travel, I take my phone with me, and if it's likely to be a long (more than 15 minutes, in my book) journey, I take along my Bluetooth keyboard as well. I bought it when I was seventeen, when I had some "treat" money leftover from my summer job, and I started taking it with me to Sixth Form that September. It was so much easier, not to have to lug my laptop around.

This was 2016, I think: the glorious days of LitLift, which was a bit like Scrivener, but web-browser based, and fizzled out in 2018, after about six months of patchy service. Luckily, I never kept anything exclusively on LitLift, so I didn't lose anything. There was one chapter of "This Still Happens" (in an earlier version) that I had to rewrite entirely, because LitLift lost it before I could back it up, but that was at least half my own fault, for not saving as I went! (No harm done in the long term, anyway. I completely rewrote the book the following year!)

Having my Bluetooth keyboard feels like a good compromise between a desktop/laptop computer and a typewriter. I can set my phone up at a distance, and make the font big enough to see from the other side of the room, and bang out a few pages of my story without much temptation to edit while I draft! As I say, it's so portable, and makes writing so much easier. I used to take it to work and write in the kitchen during my lunchbreaks, but, now that I work from home, I'm just as likely to use my laptop.

There is something very inspiring about graveyards, and I want to write a story set in one - in the vein of Brookwood or Highgate - one day. They're not spooky for me, just extremely beautiful and peaceful. And, of course, I take a lot of inspiration from real life. "This Still Happens" is inspired by my own experiences - not exactly mirrored in the book - and "Curls of Smoke" has a lot of roots in the time I spent in my local Gang Show. I wish I could dance like Florian and Rhiann can (though I'm content to wiggle in my swivel-chair)!

Who inspires you to write?

"Violins and Violets" character Katharina Schmidt is inspired by Maria Anna Mozart, older sister of Wolfgang Amadeus (who inspired Hans Schmidt). I learned about her when I was twelve, studying for my Grade 4 piano; "Allegro in F" from the "Nannerl Notenbuch" was on the syllabus, and I was immediately intrigued. For one, I just like the name Nannerl (how do you get that from Maria Anna? (not that my family's nicknames make any sense to outsiders)). Then, when I looked her up, I found out that she was probably just as good a composer as Wolfgang, but forbidden to make music because she was a woman?! What did the world lose when it shunned her? That's the question "Violins and Violets" asks, and tries to answer... and more to the point, "What might have been?"

"Vogeltje" as a whole novel was inspired by one conversation I had with a friend in a coffee shop one afternoon in 2017. We're both Disabled, in very similar ways, and we've always been frustrated by the prevailing idea that being Disabled makes us in some way tragic, or less deserving of the spotlight. So, I decided, I would write a novel where the main character was Disabled (in the same ways as we are!) and she does get the spotlight, and she does get to be the lead, and she does get to be sexy and attractive and have agency. I love drafting it - it's been on hold for ages now and I want to get back to it - because every time I do, I get to know Marianne Stafford a little bit better, and it's like I have yet another friend I can relate to.

What music inspires you to write?

I have lots of playlists for my writing, usually inspired by a character or a pairing, but sometimes serving as a soundtrack for the whole book.

I like to save pieces of Baroque music that remind me of "Violins and Violets", especially if they remind me of something the characters would compose, and for "This Still Happens", I have a playlist of all the songs I was listening to when I wrote it.

Over about seven long drafts, it's a long playlist, with music from when I was still at school! M83's "Midnight City" features heavily, and appears in the soundtrack for "Curls of Smoke" as well.

What do you love about writing?

The best bit has to be getting to decide what happens next. So little of life is in our control, but when we write stories, we have absolute say. We can make things happen just for fun, because we think it would be nise, or because, yes, it would be horrible if XYZ happened, but we can rewirte it and change it later on, if we want.

I'm a big fan of the 1999 film and 2016 series "Frequency" for the same reason; the characters get to decide what happens in their lives (but I don't like the consequences they suffer, so I'd rather be a writer than a "Frequency" character!).

[melanielocke]

Illicit Affairs

A while ago I wrote a fic about Alastair’s relationship with Charles and posted it on AO3 (titled Tolerate it there) 

The original: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31293734

I rewrote it because some of the details were wrong and some parts I didn’t like anymore, so I’m posting the new one here. 

CW: toxic relationship, mentions of sex (nothing explicit), some of which sort of pressured (Since Alastair is a minor, it definitely cannot be considered consensual), mentions of alcoholism

It had been a long time since Alastair had visited the Paris Institute. Last time must have been the Herondale party when he was fourteen. It was a magnificent building, often said to be second only to the London Institute, and the second largest in Europe. He would be staying here for a year, away from his family. He’d pressed his parents about it for months. They’d thought he was too young for a travel year at sixteen, but after speaking of it with his mother he’d been allowed to go. Alastair guessed she felt sorry for him, being trapped at home again, and had decided he deserved a break.

Paris would be a chance to start over, or at least he hoped so. He’d thought the same of Shadowhunter Academy though, and what a disaster that had been… He didn’t quite dare hope here would be better, but he did know Charles Fairchild would be here and the few times they’d met he’d been very kind to him. Alastair had met him here, ironically, at the Herondale’s party when he was fourteen. Alastair had been so eager to impress powerful people, and Charles had seemed very impressed with his manners and his knowledge on shadowhunter politics. They’d started writing each other letters, and Charles had become Alastair’s first real friend. He certainly didn’t consider any of the boys from school his friends.

About a year ago Charles had sent him a copy of Machiavelli’s the Prince, which had become his favorite book. And recently Charles had informed him that he would move to Paris for a year to replace the head of the Institute, and had suggested he come there for his travel year. He was a bit young, that was true, but being so isolated wasn’t good for his progress and even his parents couldn’t deny that spending time with the consul’s eldest son was good for their family’s social standing.

He entered, carrying his bags with him. He’d tried to pack lightly, but Risa and his mother had added all kinds of things over the past week and now it was still heavy even for a trained shadowhunter to carry on his own.

‘You must be Mr. Carstairs,’ a woman said.

Judging from her dress and lack of runes, Alastair guessed she must be one of the mundane servants here.

‘That’s right,’ he said.

‘I’m Madeleine,’ she said, ‘I’m a maid here. Come, I’ll show you to your room.’

He followed the servant woman to a bedroom, where Alastair dropped his bags. Madeleine left him there to unpack, and Alastair took his time. He hated mess, and preferred it when everything had its proper place. He’d packed a few of his favorite daggers, and took them out, looking carefully for a proper place for them.

After a while he noticed someone was standing in the doorway. Familiar red hair, styled carefully, and dressed in a stylish grey suit. Charles Fairchild. He didn’t look much like his younger brother, and although everyone was always fussing about Matthew’s looks, Alastair preferred Charles’ serious face, the way he dressed like someone powerful instead of like a clown.

‘Look at you, all grown up,’ Charles said. ‘It’s been a while, Alastair. I’m glad to see you arrived.’

Alastair hadn’t seen Charles in person in over a year. He still looked very handsome, and Alastair was glad he was here. Everything was better than being home around his father.  

‘I’m glad to see you too,’ Alastair said. ‘Congratulations on making interim head of the institute.’

‘Thanks. It is a great opportunity for me. I feel like every shadowhunter politician should have some experience at an institute. Growing up in Idris leaves one a bit sheltered from the harsh realities of Shadowhunter life, I’m afraid.’

Alastair wondered where his childhood fit in. He certainly hadn’t grown up somewhere safe and sheltered, but if it made him a better Shadowhunter he had no idea.

‘That’s why many shadowhunters take a travel year, don’t we?’ Alastair said.

‘Exactly. I lived in London myself before coming here, although of course that is where my family is from and demonic activity there is exceptionally low. Come, I’ll show you around the institute. I’ve only been here for a couple of weeks myself, but I have figured out the lay out.’

Charles showed him around, leading him to the main hall where most of the meetings were held.

‘You’re not yet old enough to be in enclave meetings, are you?’ Charles asked.

‘I will turn seventeen in a month,’ Alastair said. ‘So no, not yet.’

‘Shame, I think you would do well. Of course, I will give you permission to come and watch. That way, you’ll still learn plenty.’

Did Charles really think he would do well?

‘You’re very mature for your age,’ Charles continued. ‘Nothing like my brother. I can’t believe you’re only sixteen.’

Alastair did not want to discuss Charles’ younger brother, but was flattered Charles thought he was mature. Of course, he had to be, since he’d had to take care of his father from a young age. Being young and immature was a luxury Alastair did not have, unlike Matthew Fairchild.

‘I think I would like to watch enclave meetings,’ Alastair said.

Charles showed him to the training rooms next, and asked him about his preference for weapons and Alastair told him about his spears.

‘Spears, huh? I thought I saw you with daggers in your room.’

‘Those are decorative, mostly. I collect them. But I always carry at least one spear with me when I go outside, you never know when something might happen.’

Alastair remembered the vetis demon Clive Cartwright had released all these years ago at the academy. How he’d been too scared to tell his “friends” how he felt about the prank, that it was a terrible idea. He’d gone along anyway, thinking that if he was there at least he had some control of the situation. Then Clive had died, and perhaps Alastair could have saved him, had he carried his spears. He’d never left them behind again.

‘Seems a bit unpractical,’ Charles said. ‘How do you even carry a spear?’

‘Not at all. You see, these can be folded, so I can comfortably carry them underneath my suit. And they allow me to fight demons from a bit more distance.’

Alastair hated it when he got covered in blood, ichor, and other bits of demon parts, but fortunately that didn’t happen as often anymore. He still hated the way he looked after a fight though, with his hair all over the place and his clothes messy, but it was better than being covered in blood. He always put great effort into his appearance. With people constantly judging him for how he looked, he couldn’t afford to be seen with even a hair out of place.

‘Would you like to show me a bit? I’ve never trained with spears myself, nor seen anyone else do it. It’s a bit of an unconventional weapon after all.’

Alastair hesitated, and then unfolded one of his spears from underneath his suit. He’d still been carrying it even when there was no need inside. He guessed he’d forgotten to take it off, that’s how comfortable they were underneath his clothes. It was convenient now though, since he didn’t see any spears in the training room. He didn’t feel like changing into gear just for a demonstration, that would come later during training, but he did step into the training room. It was much bigger than what he was used to at home.

Alastair threw the spear, hitting a target about as far away as he could hit from here, hoping it would impress Charles.

‘I usually carry more than one spear, so I can throw them as well without ever being left unarmed.’

‘Clever,’ Charles said. ‘I’ve mostly trained with swords myself. Of course, I do spend most of my time on Shadowhunter politics and there’s much I can teach you about that. And maybe someday you can teach me how to use a spear.’

Alastair suspected Charles wasn’t much of a fighter, but he didn’t mind. At least he didn’t have to worry about someone who spent most of his time writing letters and arguing with older shadowhunters. Charles was very unlikely to get hurt somehow, which allowed Alastair to let down his guard a bit.

During his first few weeks in Paris he continued to spend much time with Charles, the older man showing him around and telling him everything about his work, how to run an institute, and the experience he had helping his mother with her work as Consul.

‘Have you considered a career in politics yourself, Alastair? Maybe head an institute someday, or even become Inquisitor.’

Alastair had not, but he was intrigued. ‘I’d probably not do such a great job. I’m not great at getting people to like me.’

At the academy some people had liked him, of course. His “friends” who’d found his witty insults hilarious. And little Thomas Lightwood, who had followed him around for some reason. Alastair had always found his presence a bit uncomfortable, the way Thomas had seemed to see right through him. Yet at the same time, being adored did feel nice.

Most of the time he tended to antagonize people, keep them at a distance. It was safer that way, people who were scared of him would not hurt him.

Charles put his hand on his shoulder. Alastair knew it was only supposed to be friendly, but it didn’t feel that way. It sent a shiver down his spine and Alastair desperately hoped Charles hadn’t noticed. He didn’t want to know what Charles would think of him if he knew how Alastair really felt about him.

‘You don’t have to worry about getting people to like you,’ Charles said. ‘Not when you can make them owe you.’

Alastair wasn’t quite sure what Charles meant, but it sounded promising. He could make people owe him. And perhaps with Charles’ help, he could make his way up in the Clave, and escape the shame his father had brought to the Carstairs name.

He also knew none of that was likely to happen. He knew that if people discovered what he really was, he’d lose everything. He’d bring more shame to his family than his father did, which Alastair thought was completely unfair.

‘I like that,’ Alastair said. ‘I can work with that.’

‘Sure you can. But if it’s any consolation, I like you.’

At that, Alastair smiled.

The evening before Alastair’s seventeenth birthday, he discovered a note in his room.

Come to my bedroom at midnight. Make sure no one sees you.

C.F.

 Alastair wasn’t sure why Charles would want to see him in his bedroom, but he was also curious. He liked Charles in a way he hadn’t often liked people. Sure, there had been men he found attractive, but he felt like he connected to Charles. The older man seemed to understand him in a way no one else could, and was always willing to give him advice and teach him about shadowhunter politics. He had no idea, however, if Charles was like him. He would think it unlikely. Charles was a respectable man, a powerful man. Charles would be consul one day. But Alastair guessed powerful men had their secrets too, and why else would Charles invite him to his bedroom?

Alastair decided to go. He used his stealth to get through the institute unseen, something he had been good at for some time. When he was young, he’d always made sure no one discovered him before he found his father passed out somewhere. He knew even then what could happen if the wrong people found him alone on the streets at night.

No one was up at this hour, but he made sure to be quiet and not wake anyone. He found his way to Charles’s room, and quietly knocked on the door. For a moment he worried he might have gotten the wrong room and someone would be asking what he was doing here at this hour, but Charles opened the door, and rushed him inside, closing the door behind them.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d come.’

‘You asked me to.’

‘I did. Come, sit.’

Alastair sat down in the armchair. ‘Why did you want to see me at this hour?’

‘You seem like a man of many secrets, Alastair,’ Charles said.

Alastair couldn’t deny that exactly. Between his father and his romantic feelings for Charles, he had plenty of secrets.

‘You might not have realized,’ Charles continued. ‘But I have a secret of my own. Something that I’ve had to hide. I haven’t told a soul.’

Alastair tilted his head. ‘Why are you telling me this?’

‘I wanted you to know my secret, because I’ve suspected for some time that your secret is similar. And I couldn’t risk anyone else finding out, so now is the best time.’  

‘What sort of secret?’ Alastair asked, trying to sound more innocent than he was.

He suspected what Charles meant, but he wasn’t about to reveal that in case he was wrong.

Charles took in a deep breath, and Alastair could tell he found it difficult to share, even now. ‘I like men,’ he said. ‘I’ve known for several years, but I’ve never been able to tell anyone. But I’ve noticed the way you look at me… The way you respond when I touch you. I thought you should know that… that you aren’t alone.’

Alastair was left speechless for a moment. Even if he’d suspected, hearing Charles say it out loud was different. He’d known he liked men for several years, but he’d never told anyone and had never met another man he knew was like him. And Charles was a man he was definitely attracted to.

‘You’re right,’ Alastair said after an uncomfortable silence. ‘I do like men. And I like you.’

Charles took his hand, brushing over it with his thumb. ‘Can I kiss you?’

‘Please,’ Alastair said, a bit overwhelmed from everything.

Charles leant over and kissed him, gentle at first, then a bit firmer. Alastair had never been kissed before, had never considered it possible, and certainly not with someone like Charles Fairchild. He’d never imagined Charles might be like him, and even then that he would want this with him.

They broke apart. ‘I presume you understand, Alastair, that no one can know,’ Charles said. ‘We would both be ruined, if people found out. But if we’re careful, we can be together.’

Alastair was fine with that. He wasn’t ready for anyone to know about him liking men and wasn’t sure he would ever be ready.

‘I won’t tell,’ Alastair promised. It wasn’t like he had anyone to tell.

Charles didn’t say anything and kissed him again, hungrier this time. Demanding. He dragged him to the bed. Alastair wasn’t sure what was happening, but it felt good. He’d never thought someone could love him, but Charles did. He was a bit scared of rushing it, it was all so new. Charles began to remove his clothes and Alastair allowed it, still not sure what was going to happen. 

When they were finished, Alastair tried to find a comfortable position next to Charles.

‘Happy birthday, Alastair,’ he said, kissing him again. ‘But you do have to leave.’

‘Can’t I… Can’t I sleep here?’

‘I wish you could, but it would be suspicious if people saw you leaving my bedroom. At this hour, no one would see you leave. I’ll see you tomorrow. I have a gift for you.’

Alastair was a bit disappointed he couldn’t stay any longer, but he quickly dressed himself and sneaked back to his own bedroom. He slept well for a change. He could still feel Charles’ lips, his hands exploring him.

The next morning, Charles did indeed have a gift for him. ‘I realized how important your dagger collection was to you,’ he said. ‘I don’t think you have one of these yet. It’s called a poignard, and was popular in France during the renaissance.’

Alastair smiled as he took a look at it. He didn’t have a dagger like this one, that was true. He’d wanted one for a while, but hadn’t gotten around to buying it.

‘Thank you, it’s beautiful. It’s true that these were popular in western Europe for a while, but they were also the primary weapon of the army of the Savafid empire in Persia during the 16th and 17th century.’

‘Oh, I did not know that,’ Charles said.  

He spent much of the next months sneaking his way in and out of Charles’ bedroom at night. Hiding an affair was exciting, of course, and Alastair loved the thrill of it, but it was also difficult. When they saw each other during the day, Alastair had to fight to keep a neutral face, to hide any signs of affection. But at night he could be with Charles, comfortable for a while until he had to leave his room without being seen. With Charles he could let his guard down in a way he’d never done before. And he gave Charles everything he had, everything he could give. The other man could be demanding, and Alastair did not want to disappoint. He wanted to be enough for him, to be able to give him all he needed.

After a few months, Charles mentioned the topic of marriage when they were alone at night.

‘When I return to London, it is very likely I will enter an engagement with miss Ariadne Bridgestock. She’s the daughter of the Inquisitor, and such an alliance could prove quite useful.’

Alastair felt his heart sank. ‘But I thought…’ He wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. I thought you loved me, he wanted to say.

‘It will likely be a temporary engagement,’ Charles said, taking his hand. ‘I do not care for her as I do for you, you know that. But to be allied to the Bridgestock family will certainly help me be elected Consul when my mother’s term ends and maybe then we could truly be together.’

Alastair’s eyes went wide. ‘Do you really think that’s possible?’

‘Perhaps. But I would not mind if you chose to marry. I would still want to be with you.’

Alastair determinedly shook his head. ‘I wouldn’t do that. I know I could never love a woman like I love you, and I’d never want to deceive someone of my love.’

‘Not all women mind,’ Charles said. ‘But I understand.’

Alastair was not so sure he did. But he didn’t like fighting with Charles and his lover had the gift to make him forget about whatever he was angry about as soon as they were in his bed together.

There were times when he did worry about the state of their relationship. When Charles decided he couldn’t accompany him when he wanted to see the city, claiming they couldn’t be seen together. Working together wasn’t an issue, nor was Charles teaching him about politics, but they certainly couldn’t go see the city together. And especially when Charles again brought up the topic of marriage, this time suggesting it would be good for both of them if Alastair got engaged.

‘I’m not going to change my mind on this, Charles,’ he said. ‘I do not want to be married to someone I do not love.’

‘And what will you do when your parents ask why you refuse to get married?’

‘I’ll figure something out. Besides, since we move around so much we barely meet other shadowhunters. It’ll be easy enough to convince them I simply haven’t met anyone I like.’

Alastair dreaded going back to his parents, away from Charles and from Paris and from everything that made him feel safe. But he also missed his mother and sister and regretted not being there to protect them. He wanted to mend the bond with Cordelia, but he didn’t know how. He couldn’t tell her the truth about their father, and he certainly couldn’t tell her about Charles.

Charles paused. ‘You are very young. You still have plenty of time to find someone. But at some point you will be expected to marry. It could become very difficult to get ahead if you refuse. And what would your parents think, when you show no interest in women or marriage whatsoever?’

‘I guess so. But plenty of people marry for reasons other than love. My parents did, although they did fall in love over time. You’ll understand when you’re older.’

Alastair felt uncomfortable when Charles said that. His lover considered him a child still. Hadn’t he complimented him on how mature he was? Yet Charles often did not take him seriously, as if he was too young to understand. He often commented that he would understand things better when he was older. He was old enough to sleep with Charles though. He couldn’t make sense of it. So he did the best he could to please Charles, to show him he was mature and that he did understand. But when they differed of opinion, Charles always dismissed his ideas. That was fine though, he would be an adult soon enough and then Charles would have to take him seriously.

Except when Alastair arrived in London, nothing much seemed to change. Alastair attended every enclave meeting, now old enough to speak there himself, and did the best he could to have valuable input in these meetings, but Charles rarely listened. He preferred the sound of his own voice, even in the emergency they were in, which Charles wasn’t handling well at all. Just let me help you, he wanted to say. Just admit you cannot do this and you need me.

Not to mention here he was confronted with the presence of miss Ariadne Bridgestock, Charles’ fiancée. Alastair didn’t resent miss Bridgestock, he didn’t know her very well but he understood that as an adopted Indian woman, she was in no position to refuse to marry Charles. But he wanted Charles all to himself, to be the first thing on his mind, he didn’t want him to get married. He guessed that was not possible for someone like him. They’d always have to keep up appearances. He’d always have to be a secret.

Charles wasn’t there when Alastair needed him either. He was busy with his work, or with his fiancée who was ill and unlikely to wake up anytime soon, when Alastair just needed someone to talk to, someone to hold him. He had no one but Charles, no one he could confide in. He loved his sister, but he needed to protect her, not burden her with his struggles. Nor did he think she’d understand how he felt about Charles and he did not think he could take that rejection. He knew Layla was frustrated by his distance, but what else was he supposed to do?

So instead he was alone in his bedroom, after Charles had told him he didn’t have time to talk, to be more careful and not speak to him like that in public. Charles had promised he would come see him late in the evening, and he would just have to hold on until then. He knew Cordelia was spending more and more time with James Herondale and although he didn’t hate them as much as he pretended he did, he didn’t trust them either. They were so reckless, running towards danger and dragging Cordelia with them. Just like Charles, Herondale and his friends had no idea what they were up against and vastly overestimated their abilities to solve the situation, and one of these days Cordelia would get hurt because of it. And what would happen when his father was convicted? When Cordelia would inevitably find out the truth? Alastair didn’t want her to know, but at the same time he could barely stomach how she tried to rescue him as if he was some sort of hero.

Alastair cried for most of the day. His mother and Risa had gotten used to him locking himself in his bedroom by now and had left him, Risa only knocking once to announce she’d made tea. He hated crying, he hated being vulnerable like this and having to hide, but sometimes he couldn’t do it anymore. The anger had faded away and all that was left was emptiness. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was crying over, the way Cordelia kept putting herself in danger, the state of his relationship, his father. Plenty of options. It happened more and more frequently that he collapsed when he was sure no one would see, and Charles was never there to help him through it. He guessed he was expecting too much. But if Charles asked for him, told him he needed him, he would be there, always, no matter how inconvenient. Because he loved Charles.  

He’d calmed a bit when it was time for dinner, and when everyone else had gone to bed, Charles did come for him. Alastair didn’t feel like arguing again, and instead accepted that even if it was a bit late, at least Charles was here now. He drew a soundless rune on the door, just in case someone would wake up and hear them.

‘Have you been crying?’ Charles asked.

To anyone else, he would have denied it. But Charles he trusted, even if his lover was not careful with his feelings at all. ‘A little,’ he said.

‘It is unbecoming for a man to cry,’ Charles said. ‘You’ll learn, in time, to deal with your emotions better.’

‘Perhaps I would have if you had actually made time for me when I needed you,’ Alastair bit back.

‘You know I was busy,’ Charles said. ‘Really, Alastair, I thought you were past this.’

He didn’t dare say anything else on the topic. He wasn’t sure he could take Charles’ dismissal. Charles was right, of course, he was too old to cry, had been for a long time, but what else was he supposed to do? The longer he held it in, the worse it got, and as long as no one actually saw him when he cried, it was alright.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m glad you came.’

‘I am too. I missed you.’

Alastair wished Charles would stay with him, but as always he left when they were finished. It made sense, of course, Charles wouldn’t be able to explain sleeping over at the Carstairs house without anyone suspecting. Still, he wished he wasn’t alone. So he cried again, even if Charles had said it was unbecoming. No one would hear him. No one would know just how broken he was. He’d considered leaving Charles, but who was he kidding, Charles was all he had. He didn’t know how he’d survive without him.

When Cordelia came to talk to him about Charles, Alastair panicked. He was relieved to hear she still accepted him, but how could she have eavesdropped on his private conversations? That hurt the most, knowing that even if she claimed to love him, she didn’t trust him. He knew she hadn’t meant to find out he liked men this way, but she’d followed him because she’d expected him to reveal secrets he’d promised to keep. He remembered how she’d called Charles cruel. How he’d defended Charles’ actions to her, claiming he wasn’t cruel, how everything he did was so they could be together.

Charles said that all the time, but Alastair wasn’t sure he believed it anymore. It seemed more like everything Charles did was to further his career, and sometimes Alastair felt like an afterthought. Or perhaps someone Charles could satisfy his physical needs with, only tolerating that Alastair loved him with everything he had. They usually met to have sex, after all, but there could be much more to being with someone. Like how he’d taken Thomas to a museum, had walked along the Seine with him… Charles didn’t want any of that. The longer he thought about it, the more sick he felt. He still went to see Charles, even if he was disgusted by what he’d done to miss Bridgestock, how he’d abandoned her when she was in coma and replaced her with miss Grace Blackthorn. Even if he wasn’t sure he still liked it when Charles touched him.

Perhaps Cordelia was right, perhaps he should leave him. Charles wasn’t going to be what Alastair needed. And then there was Thomas Lightwood… Thomas, who’d grown up to be tall and strong, but also brave and kind and heroic. Someone Alastair didn’t deserve for sure. But perhaps he could have another chance. Perhaps he could leave Charles.

He looked at his dagger collection, one of the few things that brought him comfort anymore. It felt like there was one stuck inside of him, had been for years. Removing it would hurt, but it was the only way to survive. Having made up his mind, Alastair began to write a letter. He remembered how Alastair had refused Thomas entry into his house, refused to let him make the antidote. How Thomas had insisted that he did know what he was doing. Thomas was a hero. Charles had almost ruined the antidote, and Alastair wasn’t even sure he would have minded. If miss Bridgestock had died, no one would be able to contradict his story of breaking off the engagement before she’d fallen ill.

He knew it wasn’t the best way to break it off, that he should face Charles, but he wasn’t sure he could. He knew how well Charles manipulated him, making him forget his worries with soothing words and kisses. He couldn’t face him, but hopefully if Charles read his letter, he’d know to leave him alone. He was done with this half love, and even if he would end up alone it would be better than whatever he was to Charles. He deserved better.

[katherinewilliams221b]

For A Greater Good Fun Facts and Self Assesment (spoilers)

Long Post

What worked and what didn’t:

I think the overall structure worked pretty well. The most difficult part was, with the plot and subplot already created, scattering all those ideas throughout the text in such a way that at least made some sense. I regret not writing more about Mer Yankelevich, I feel like the crumbs I left on the way were not enough; in my attempt to make it subtle it lacked information about her. The key piece was of course her sister, and I should have introduced her sooner.

MC’s evolution. I feel like Kate’s learnt a lot with this experience (I’m not only referring to the Deathly Hallows or Grindelwald) When it started, she was very discreet and kept a low profile, not knowing what to do really, not taking more risks than necessary. And then she ended poisoned and splinching just to protect a document she thought was important. I hope her evolution is noticeable for the reader.

Worldbuilding. Grabbing HP concepts that were forgotten and full of potential, plus a dash of original ideas from me and blending them with muggle features was my absolute favourite part of the process.

On that note, I dont own these concepts: Durmstrang, Igor Karkarov, Nerida Vulchanova, umbrella flowers, fanged geraniums, billywigs, Appare Vestigium, glow-worms, trick wand, chamaleon ghouls, 

If you’ve read the fic and thought: “everything happened so fast” or got a general odd feeling about the timeline it's because I made a series of  monumental mistakes: setting a chapter limit, telling you about it and then tried to stick to it.  At first the idea sounded nice: this is my first “big” story  with complicated components. I should (and I did) do an outline of what I want to happen in each chapter and stick to it methodically so I don't forget what's happening or lose track of the plot. Well...it kind of backfired. So I wrote the first 3 chapters and at that point I thought “okay everything is going as planned, I’m going to put it out there”, bam, instantly cursed. After that it got ridiculously difficult to make the story that I wanted. Why? I needed chapter space that I convinced myself I couldn’t add. Dumb.

The major consequence of this was the lack of character backgrounds. It started out good, but as I kept writing and publishing I realised that I missed some great opportunities to make amazing ocs. That’s Corentin’s fault in a way: he wasn't going to be a major character, really, just a piece to help Kate a bit. But we all fell in love with him so what was I supposed to do? Also, Sheyi Mawut owns my heart and he got just a bit of spotlight. A shame.

I wish I had written more about them, but I think I wasn’t ready just yet to make it even more complicated.I just wanted to prove I could concoct a mystery plot and now that I know I can manage a fair amount of information I think I can take it a step further and deepen new ocs a little bit more.

I’m thinking about the datura series and I know why I got blocked and tired of writing it; it wasnt going anywhere because I wasnt prepared, and I didn’t do the months of outlines and planning that I did with this one. I’ll come back to the datura story one day, subjecting it to a sever rewrite. The ideas are there, I just need to be organised.

Although the chapter limit was problematic it was also a good exercise of managing space and deciding which things were unnecessary for the story. I dont think there’s any filler chapters, perhaps the last ones, but there is important information there too so... However this sentence  from the blog  wordsandstuff reassured me (and I think I did a good job at that?)

If you set out to write 10 parts and you write a fantastic story in 8, you haven’t failed and it’s not too rushed. Concise writing is an underrated talent. Focus on how effectively you engage the reader, not for how long.

I spent more than year writing this! When I started, I had a lot of ideas, I wrote the last two chapters then the first 3 and I really thought it was going to be that way with the rest of the story... okay... lesson learnt. #humbled

Other thoughts:

I received a couple of comments on ao3 that said that they were pleasantly surprised. Maybe I should change the tags because they are misleading? Clearly this wasnt what people were looking for lol.

One particular comment stood out to me and quoting it said:  “You did not choose the easy way with a fiction with so few characters from the fandom.”  And I’ve been thinking about this since I read it. It didn’t occur to me that there were few mystery fics (maybe I should write more things like that? Maybe throwing some power couple detective work 👀 ) In any case, I’m glad  I contributed with something different to the fandom, and the fact that the Charlie bits are very scarce but people who read it still liked it is really flattering.

I wanted to make sure that all the characters had strengths and flaws, I didnt want to severus-snape them so maybe I overdid it with that bit of introspection kate does at the end...

Also, I did the kiss and fade thing twice to mention sex. I know some people dont like that but since it wasnt the point of the story and I havent done research on how to write sex scenes I didnt include them. I have that on my “to learn” list.

Conclusions:

Writing the whole thing was incredible. It's my first ‘big’ project and its not a great work (there are some things I wish I did better, thats what you get when you are an agatha christie wannabe) and not writing more character backgrounds will haunt me to this day,  but I think it's at least good for a first series and I’m proud of it. I loved spending hours doing research and trying to piece together this puzzle. And of course I’m not an expert and I dont want to sound pretentious (like this is my first story) but if you are planning to write this type of genre I can be another source of tips and tricks for you.

If I read the story after a while and I dont cringe, I would call that a success.

FUN? FACTS!

Bakunawa really belongs to Filippines mythology

Snapdragons have different meanings, one of them being: “grace under pressure or inner strength in trying circumstances”

The entrance to Grindelwald’s room was going to be in the duelling classroom, strangely shaped as a triangle. I had this system where one of the round candle lamps descended and lined up with a line on the floor (serving as separation for duels) it created the Deathly Hallows symbol. I couldn’t make that work because it wouldn't make any sense for Nerida Vulchanova to shape a room like that.  Here are some sketches:

Lucius Malfoy was going to appear as the Ministry employee that goes to Durmstrang, but after revising the events of the OoP I realised it was impossible.

Kent Jorgensen was going to be around Kate’s age and the charms teacher and he would have a small crush on her. After seeing some pics of Pen Medina, I rewrote the character completely.

The series was going to be 6 chapters long (I’m glad I decided not to) one for each month. The chapter names were ridiculous: January of Beginnings, February of reputation, March of Students, April of Discoveries, May I? and June of Endings. #tragic

The Dolohov family was going to be a part of the plot but I had to erase that part because it was unlocking another layer of complexity that I just couldnt handle.

I dont remember exactly the chapter but I got really confused with the names Rhode and Hodges and there’s one chapter where I accidentally mixed them (I corrected it I think), but for a while I could stop calling Rhode, Hodges, and vice versa lmao

Here are some sketches that helped me describe and imagine things

Thank you for accompany me in this journey, especially if you endured the process with me lmao. You’ve been here for over A YEAR! <3 Mindblowing

Also I’d love to know your opinions about the way you read the story, I mean, I know some people read it as I published, and some other readers found the story already finished, what are the differences? Should I stop the updating system and drop a story all at once? I know it is difficult to keep up with a complex story if there’s a lot of weekly or monthly gaps between the chapters, so I wanted to know.

Sending you a virtual hug 💜💜

[eskelchopchop]

tagged by @mondfuchs! :D

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Uh yeeee yay For full effect, imagine me as that red-faced kid giving his presentation at the front of the classroom, talking too fast, avoiding all eye contact, and sitting down immediately before the necessary Q&A portion

5. A Standing Agreement - The one that started it all. Last Winter Break, I did nothing but replay The Witcher 3 and by the end of the gaming binge, I had the initial idea for this fic. It was the first urge I’d had to write fanfic since my Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver days, about... uh, fifteen years ago? I wrote six chapters, realized my plot structure was fatally flawed, put the fic away for five months, came back and rewrote it from top to bottom with a different focus & plot arc. It’s only 44k words, a modest length by the standard of fanfic long reads, but I’ve spent more time working on this fic than anything else that I’ve ever written. 

4.  The Color of the Wheat Fields - I found out about stillmadaboutpetra’s birthday the day before. They deserve gifts and nice things, so I wrote & edited this giftfic in a feverish last-minute fugue state. It was supposed to be a happy fic-- instead, it made them cry. Still feel bad about that. This fic is the reason I get misty-eyed whenever I see @calyxestra’s redheaded Geralt. 

3. Yearlings - Secret Santa gift fic for mondfuchs! I was aiming for a different style with this one-- sparer prose, a lot less inner monologue. I cut 2k words off the first draft, about 25% of the fic. Mondfuchs wanted a subtle fic about the unconditional trust & love that Geralt and Eskel share, so I set out to show the moment that Geskel became what they are-- that transition from bright-eyed kiddos goofing around in Kaer Morhen to the seasoned, jaded professionals who carry each other’s histories with a profound understanding beyond words. I think the fic works. Grateful to mondfuchs for the prompt & inspiration!

2. A Splinter in Time - My personal monster. This is me being my own psychopomp, marching down to the underworld and wrestling with the demons there. The fic’s not done yet; my first writing goal of the new year is to finish it. It may also be too harsh / brutal for anyone to really read, but that’s okay-- excavating that tar down in the deep is already changing me-- stories with happy endings are becoming possible again. Cheaper than therapy, if not easier.

1. After Tedd Deireádh - Artists can get kind of woo-woo about the nature of creativity and where their ideas come from. I get 100% woo-woo with this story. The first chapter poured out from who knows where, and Yen & Eskel did what they did against my own plans for the fic. It would have benefited from some editing after the fact, but oh well-- I love it in all its messy rawness. I needed a story like this. Thanks, invisible merciful muse or whatever, for donating one. 

uhhh yeah sooo I’mma tentatively tag @fayet and @stillmadaboutpetra and @lohrendrell (who tagged me in another post-- consider this a cheerful wave back! :D) and @laurelnose and @inber and @limerental, who can feel free to decline, and anyone else who wants to play because what the hell life is short and 2020 is awful and lets celebrate the good things that managed to crawl out of its toxic cesspit

[vettingsanders]

He Did Nothing For Years

The Bernie Sanders Story

I was going to title this post something that more adequately expresses my rage, like “Bernie Sanders is a Grifting Fuck and a Garbage Human,” but then I decided to be classy and paraphrase a quote from Evita instead.  But I’m also petty so consider the subtitle of this rant to be “A Grifting Fuck and a Garbage Human.”

I was going to wait to post this until the primaries are over because if by some unholy hell miracle Sanders wins the nomination, obviously we all have to unite behind even the shittiest, most doomed to fail candidate, but fuck it.  Vote blue no matter who, that goes without being said, but Sanders is the worst possible choice and was even when there were a dozen plus horses in this race, and now y’all are going to hear all the reasons why.

The Early Years: Sanders the Deadbeat

Sanders graduated from the university of Chicago in 1964 with a BA in Political Science and chose not to work until he was elected mayor of Burlington in 1981

I say “chose not to work” because he was fully capable but preferred being a bum.  He had no student debt, he had no health conditions that prevented him from working, and the 1960s were characterized by rapid growth of the workforce, with three out of four college graduates holding high level positions by 1970

Sanders occasionally did some freelance writing and carpentry during these years, according to his resume, probably so he could claim he was trying to work in order to collect unemployment.  Let’s take a look at some of his writings:

At age 28, he wrote an article for alternative newspaper The Vermont Freeman entitled “Cancer, Disease, and Society.”  In the article, he argues that sexual repression can cause cancer, and women who are virgins, have fewer orgasms than their peers, or simply don’t enjoy sex are more likely to develop cancer.  The article includes statements such as “the manner in which you bring up your daughter with regard to sexual attitudes may very well determine whether or not she will develop breast cancer, among other things” and “How much guilt, nervousness have you imbued in your daughter with regard to sex?  If she is 16, 3 years beyond puberty and the time which nature set forth for child-bearing, and spent a night out with her boyfriend, what is your reaction? Do you take her to a psychiatrist because she is “maladjusted” or a “prostitute,” or are you happy that she has found someone with whom she can share love?”  He also argues that the education system contributes to cancer, as does having “an old bitch of a teacher (and there are many of them).”  https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/2157403-sanders-cancer.html

In 1969, in another article for The Vermont Freeman, he wrote, “In Vermont, at a state beach, a mother is reprimanded by Authority for allowing her 6 month old daughter to go about without her diapers on. Now, if children go around naked, they are liable to see each others sexual organs, and maybe even touch them. Terrible thing! If we [raise] children up like this it will probably ruin the whole pornography business, not to mention the large segment of the general economy which makes its money by playing on peoples sexual frustrations.”  https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/07/bernie-sanders-vermont-freeman-sexual-freedom-fluoride/

His resume, incidentally, also lists him as a freelance youth counselor during his period of unemployment, which is just great.  The man who thinks thirteen year olds should be getting pregnant and children should touch each other’s genitals, counseling your kids.  Fantastic.

In the 1970s, Sanders stole electricity from his neighbors rather than paying his own bill.  https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2015/07/bernie-sanders-vermont-119927

He stole food from the refrigerator of The Vermont Freeman’s publishers https://newrepublic.com/article/122005/he-was-presidential-candidate-bernie-sanders-was-radical

 He was asked to leave a hippie commune in 1971 due to sitting around engaging in “endless political discussion” rather than working.  Let me repeat, he was too lazy for a hippie commune. https://freebeacon.com/politics/bernie-sanders-asked-leave-hippie-commune/

Now, all of this apart from the theft is arguably okay.  It’s his own life, and if he wants to squander it publishing poorly written essays and doing jack shit, whatever.  Except it wasn’t just his life, because he had a son, Levi.  And he was a deadbeat, paying no child support and causing Levi’s mother, Susan Mott, to rely on welfare, which made her face discrimination when trying to find housing.  https://twitter.com/m_mendozaferrer/status/1093295853907922946

Bernie Sanders is a deadbeat dad.  No respect.

Failing Upwards: Sanders the Politician

In 1971, Sanders joined the Vermont Liberty Union Party, a socialist political group.  From 1971 to 1977, Sanders was the party chief and habitually ran for office, failing every time.  He left the group in 1977, stating that they did not do enough to fight banks and corporations during non-election years.  This is just one example of Sanders decrying everyone else as too impure for him.

In 2016, the Vermont Liberty Union Party voted to brand Sanders as a war criminal.  Their general secretary, Peter Diamondstone, said of Sanders, “ He never was a socialist!"  https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/bnjby3/the-vermont-political-party-bernie-sanders-founded-isnt-into-him-anymore  This is just one example in the long list of Sanders alienating his allies.

He finally won the mayoral election for Burlington in 1981, by only ten votes. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1981_Burlington_mayoral_election

Sanders was only elected to the US House of Representatives in 1990 because he had the support of the National Rifle Association.  The incumbent Congressman, Republican Peter Smith, advocated for an assault weapons ban, so the NRA flooded Sanders with money.  https://www.sevendaysvt.com/vermont/stickin-to-his-guns-the-nra-helped-elect-bernie-sanders-to-congress-now-hes-telling-a-different-story/Content?oid=27816693

In 2006, 2012, and 2018, when running for the Senate, Sanders ran as a Democrat in the state primaries, then declined the Democratic nomination, and ran as an independent in the general.  This made it basically impossible for any Democrat to run against him.  https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/21/bernie-sanders-democrat-independent-vermont-601844

After a landslide loss to Secretary Clinton in the 2016 Democratic primary, Sanders demanded changes to the DNC primary structure that would make the process easier for him to win with just a plurality of delegates instead of a majority.  These rule changes were the reason the 2020 Iowa caucus was such a clusterfuck. https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/bernie-sanders-iowa-caucus-winner-trump-democrats-a9317761.html

Despite all his talk of getting out the youth vote and inspiring disenfranchised voters, Sanders planned all along to squeak by with only thirty percent of the delegates in the 2020 primary by provoking infighting among other candidates to split the moderate vote.  The supposed movement he claimed to lead is a sham. https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2019/04/bernie-sanders-thinking-he-will-win-it-all-2020/587326/

“I Never Saw Him”: Sanders and Civil Rights

Sanders touts his participation in the March on Washington in 1963 as proof of his devotion to civil rights activism.  He loves to remind people that he marched with MLK, as seen during the She the People 2019 forum where he repeated that old chestnut for the millionth time and was booed by the attendees. https://www.thedailybeast.com/bernie-sanders-met-with-boos-after-name-dropping-martin-luther-king-at-she-the-people-summit

In actuality, Sanders was one of 250,000 people at the march, along with Mitch McConnell, who is clearly no champion for civil rights. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/7-things-know-about-sen-mitch-mcconnell-r-ky-part-flna6C10621413

Representative John Lewis, an actual civil rights hero who worked with Dr. King and whose skull was fractured by police on Bloody Sunday, said that he “never saw [Bernie Sanders].  I never met him,” during the movement. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/local/2016/02/11/john-lewis-never-saw-bernie-sanders-during-civil-rights-era/80263450/

Sanders was charged with resisting arrest during a segregation protest in Chicago in 1963, and was charged $25.  He later white flighted to Vermont, one of the whitest states in the country. https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/02/bernie-sanders-core-university-chicago/

Sanders never bothered to vote during the Civil Rights movement, only putting forth the effort when he himself was running. https://imgur.com/gallery/mmS40Gq#460q6bS

During his speech in Jacksonville on the 50th anniversary of MLK’s death, Sanders rewrote history and tried to claim that King’s real focus was economic justice and not civil rights.  "All of us know where he was when he was assassinated 50 years ago today.  He was in Memphis to stand with low-income sanitation workers who were being exploited ruthlessly, whose wages were abysmally low, and who were trying to create a union. That’s where he was. Because as the mayor just indicated, what he believed — and where he was a real threat to the establishment — is that of course we need civil rights in this country, but we also need economic justice.” https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/rubycramer/bernie-sanders-revolution-needs-black-voters-to-win-but-can

In thirty years in Congress, Sanders has not sponsored any bills pertaining to civil rights: https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/browse?sponsor=400357#current_status[]=28&enacted_ex=on

Sanders voted for the 1994 crime bill https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2020-election/bernie-sanders-has-dodged-criticism-crime-bill-vote-while-others-n1020726

In 1994, he praised the bill and stated that the US needed more jails.  https://twitter.com/KFILE/status/1221468426855755776

He touted his vote for the crime bill on his website at least until 2006, as proof he was “tough on crime” and “strong on the cops” https://web.archive.org/web/20061018180921/http:/www.bernie.org/truth/crime.html

In 2015, during a meeting with police reform activist group Campaign Zero, Sanders responded to being asked why he thought a disproportionate amount of people of color were incarcerated for nonviolent drug offenses with “Aren’t most of the people who sell the drugs African-American?”  Those present at the meeting stated, “Even confronted with figures and data to the contrary, Sanders appeared to have still struggled to grasp that he had made an error.” https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/rubycramer/bernie-sanders-revolution-needs-black-voters-to-win-but-can 

In 2018, fifteen racial and social justice leaders in Vermont, including multiple NAACP branch presidents, ACLU organizers, and BLM activists, sent an open letter to Sanders and the Sanders Institute to complain that they were “excluded” from the “national progressive movement that Senator Bernie Sanders is trying to foster.”  The letter asks “how could Senator Sanders host what is supposed to be an intersectional, progressive event without inviting the very people whom he serves?”  http://mediad.publicbroadcasting.net/p/vpr/files/201812/sanders-letter-2018.pdf

Curtiss Reed, Executive Director of the Vermont Partnership for Fairness and Diversity, stated that the exclusion of Vermont POC from the Sanders Institute’s event was “a catastrophic failure of his sort of tone deafness to marginalized communities in the state of Vermont” and added “I’m tempted to say this is no longer a question of benign neglect on the part of the senator, but willful ignorance on his part not to include marginalized voices in this national conversation on the progressive movement.”   https://www.vpr.org/post/we-find-ourselves-excluded-racial-justice-leaders-ask-bernie-sanders-get-program#stream/0 

Vermont Black leaders stated they were “invisible” to Sanders, and that the senator “was just really dismissive of anything that had to do with race and racism, saying that they didn’t have anything to do with the issues of income inequality.  He just always kept coming back to income inequality as a response, as if talking about income inequality would somehow make issues of racism go away.” https://www.thedailybeast.com/vermonts-black-leaders-we-were-invisible-to-bernie-sanders

In his 1998 autobiography, Sanders repeatedly and needlessly used the n-word. He chose to keep the word in the text when republishing the book in 2015.  https://www.inquisitr.com/5620596/bernie-sanders-under-fire-for-use-of-n-word-in-2015-book-clip-from-audiobook-version-goes-viral-friday/ 

“I Will Not Make It a Major Priority”: Sanders the Ally

During an interview as mayor of Burlington, Sanders said LGBTQ rights were not a “major priority” for him and he would “probably not” support a bill to protect gays from job discrimination.  https://slate.com/human-interest/2015/10/bernie-sanders-on-marriage-equality-hes-no-longtime-champion.html

Also during his time as mayor, Sanders signed a resolution affirming that marriage is between “husband and wife.” https://www.washingtonblade.com/2016/02/06/clinton-surrogates-pounce-on-sanders-over-82-marriage-resolution/

Sanders and his wife stated in 1996 that they opposed the Defense of Marriage Act simply because it would weaken states’ rights.  Only later did he claim his opposition was due to support for same-sex marriage. https://time.com/4089946/bernie-sanders-gay-marriage/

Sanders argued same-sex marriage was a states’ rights issue in 2006. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=57&v=kej9QAsS3uI&feature=emb_logo

In that same year, after same-sex civil unions had been legal in Vermont since 2000, he responded to a reporter asking if same-sex marriage should be legalized in Vermont with “Not right now,” after the “very divisive debate” preceding the civil union legislation. https://web.archive.org/web/20160407064606/http://www.timesargus.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060607/NEWS/606070302/1003/NEWS02

In thirty years in Congress, Sanders has not sponsored any bills pertaining to LGBTQ rights: https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/browse?sponsor=400357#current_status[]=28&enacted_ex=on  

Sanders the Warmonger

Sanders loves to tout his opposition to the Iraq War as proof of his moral superiority.  But in 1998, he voted for the Iraq Liberation Act, which states that “it should be the policy of the United States to support efforts to remove the regime headed by Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq.”  He also supported Clinton’s airstrike on Iraq.  https://www.govtrack.us/congress/votes/105-1998/h482

In 1999, Sanders had anti-war protesters at his office arrested. https://www.counterpunch.org/2015/07/27/bernie-sanders-savior-or-seducer-of-the-anti-war-left/

The Iraq War Bill that Sanders voted against required Bush to first try diplomatic efforts and abide by UN rules of military conduct.  It also required transparency and progress reports.  https://www.congress.gov/bill/107th-congress/house-joint-resolution/114/text

The Authorization for Use of Military Force Act (AUMF), which Sanders did vote for, required none of that and is the reason the Afghanistan War was so much of a clusterfuck.  Bush would have used the AUMF to invade Iraq even if Congress had voted down the Iraq Liberation Act.  The only person to vote against the AUMF was Representative Barbara Lee.  Sanders voted in favor of it.  https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/107/sjres23/text

Sanders claims to oppose the defense industry.  But he brought Lockheed Martin and their 1.2 trillion dollar, over budget, outdated stealth fighters to Vermont. https://www.thedailybeast.com/bernie-sanders-loves-this-dollar1-trillion-war-machine

During his tenure as mayor of Burlington, he fired the assistant city treasurer when she was jailed for an anti-war protest. https://academic.oup.com/publius/article-abstract/21/2/131/1917641?redirectedFrom=PDF 

Sanders the Healthcare Crusader

Sanders was chairman of the Senate Veteran Affairs Committee during a 2014 scandal when dozens of veterans died while waiting for medical care.  During his tenure, Sanders only held seven hearings on VA Oversight, as opposed to the House committee’s forty-two hearings.  Veterans argue that Sanders was too invested in the idea of the VA as a shining example of government healthcare to address its failings.  Despite the scandal and tragedy, Sanders as recently as 2017 bragged that  he was involved with “the most comprehensive VA health care bill in this country.” https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-veterans-scandal-on-bernie-sanderss-watch

He voted against the Clinton plan for universal healthcare in 1993.  https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/3/14/1501210/-Where-Was-Sanders-on-Health-Care-in-93-and-94-Against-the-Clintons

Sanders also voted against CHIP, the children’s health insurance program that AOC relied on to see a doctor in her youth: https://www.govtrack.us/congress/votes/105-1997/h345

Despite campaigning on Medicare for All since 2015, Sanders was unable to explain how much the program would cost during a 2020 60 Minutes interview.  https://www.cnn.com/2020/02/24/politics/bernie-sanders-donald-trump-2020/index.html

When Senator Warren did the math for him and released her detailed M4A plan, Sanders attacked her, calling his plan “more progressive” and saying hers would “have a very negative impact on creating jobs.” https://www.cnn.com/2019/11/03/politics/bernie-sanders-elizabeth-warren-health-care-plan/index.html

Sanders claims that his healthcare plan is standard in other countries.  But his M4A plan would ban private insurance, which is not done in any country but Canada.  In the Scandinavian countries Sanders loves to hold up as an example of government healthcare, the market for private insurance is growing.  https://aapsonline.org/no-bernie-other-countries-do-not-ban-private-care/

“Too Brassy, Too Bitchy”: Sanders the Feminist

In his autobiography, Sanders quoted an article calling his 1996 primary opponent Susan Sweetser “too brassy, too bitchy.” https://books.google.com/books?id=_2YjBm2_JGUC&pg=PA173&lpg=PA173&dq=sanders+too+brassy+too+bitchy&source=bl&ots=SWrIR5Xa8m&sig=ACfU3U2-Hj1-UXIOM0Zz274h6_Nu8juoBg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjHhtObq6LmAhWvUt8KHc8mDVUQ6AEwA3oECAkQAQ#v=onepage&q=sanders%20too%20brassy%20too%20bitchy&f=false

 In his Vermont Freeman article “Cancer, Disease, and Society,” Sanders called teachers “old bitch[es]” and blamed them for men developing cancer.  He also said women developed cancer due to sexual repression.  https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/2157403-sanders-cancer.html

Referring to their 1986 governor race, his opponent Madeleine Kuhn stated, “When Sanders was my opponent he focused like a laser beam on “class analysis,” in which “women’s issues” were essentially a distraction from more important issues. He urged voters not to vote for me just because I was a woman. That would be a “sexist position,” he declared.”  https://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/2016/02/04/when-bernie-sanders-ran-against-vermont/kNP6xUupbQ3Qbg9UUelvVM/story.html

Sanders called Planned Parenthood “a part of the establishment” because they endorsed Secretary Clinton for president.  https://www.politico.com/story/2016/01/planned-parenthood-bernie-sanders-218026

Sanders called Hillary Rodham Clinton, former law firm partner, former First Lady, former Senator, and former Secretary of State, unqualified to be president. https://www.cnn.com/2016/04/06/politics/bernie-sanders-hillary-clinton-qualified/index.html

In January 2020, leaked phone banking scripts from the Sanders campaign called Warren a candidate of the affluent who wouldn’t bring any new voters to the Democratic base.  https://www.politico.com/news/2020/01/11/bernie-quietly-goes-negative-on-warren-097594

In response, members of Warren’s campaign leaked information that, at a dinner in 2018, Sanders had told Warren he did not think a woman could win the presidency.  Sanders and his supporters decried this as a lie, even though reporters knew of the dinner and had been asking Warren if Sanders had discussed women’s electability there for over a year.  https://twitter.com/mlcalderone/status/1104477933886935040?s=19

Sanders supporters then flooded Elizabeth Warren and her supporters’ Twitter mentions with snake emojis.

Sanders said of Secretary Clinton, “It is not good enough for someone to say, ‘I’m a woman! Vote for me!” https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2016/11/21/13699956/sanders-clinton-democratic-party

Bending the Knee: Sanders the Dictatorship Fanboy

During a 2020 60 Minutes interview, Sanders inexplicably decided it would be a good idea to start praising Fidel Castro’s genocidal regime, stating, “We’re very opposed to the authoritarian nature of Cuba, but, you know, it’s unfair to simply say everything is bad. When Castro came into office, you know what he did? He had a massive literacy program.  Is that a bad thing, even though Fidel Castro did it?” https://www.vox.com/2020/2/24/21147388/bernie-sanders-cuba-60-minutes-nicaragua

He doubled down on this praise at the next debate, whining, “Really?  Really?” when the crowd booed him.  https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/article240627047.html

In 2014, Sanders visited Cuban prisoner Alan Gross, who lost over 100 pounds and five teeth during his captivity.  During the meeting, Gross recalls Sanders telling him, “I don't know what's so wrong with this country.”  https://www.npr.org/2020/03/04/811729200/former-prisoner-recalls-sanders-saying-i-don-t-know-what-s-so-wrong-with-cuba

In 1985, Sanders praised bread lines and food rationing.  “American journalists talk about how bad a country is because people are lining up for food.  That's a good thing. In other countries people don't line up for food. The rich get the food, and the poor starve to death." https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2020/2/21/1920767/-Time-to-switch-out-from-Bernie-he-praised-nations-with-bread-lines-that-s-a-good-thing-Danger

Sanders hung a USSR flag in his office as mayor of Burlington.  https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2019/feb/24/bernie-sanders-reveals-his-radical-inclinations-ov/

He honeymooned in the USSR, and praised the state of the Soviet Union. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/inside-bernie-sanderss-1988-10-day-honeymoon-in-the-soviet-union/2019/05/02/db543e18-6a9c-11e9-a66d-a82d3f3d96d5_story.html

In the 1980s, Sanders attended a Sandinista rally in Nicaragua where the attendees chanted, “Here, there, everywhere, the Yankee will die.” https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2019/05/bernie-sanders-pro-sandinista-past-problem.html

Sanders recently praised China, saying that it has made "more progress in addressing extreme poverty than any country in the history of civilization." https://thehill.com/hilltv/rising/458976-sanders-china-had-done-more-to-address-extreme-poverty-than-any-country-in-the

“They Can’t Stop Us”: Sanders the Conspiracy Theorist

Despite conceding the 2016 primary and stating that “Secretary Clinton has won the Democratic nomination and I congratulate her for that” (https://www.cnn.com/2016/07/11/politics/hillary-clinton-bernie-sanders/index.html), he later made the Trump-esque statement “Some people say that if maybe that system was not rigged against me, I would have won the nomination and defeated Donald Trump.” https://www.newsweek.com/bernie-sanders-defeat-donald-trump-2016-rigged-primary-dnc-nbc-kasie-hunt-1446116

 On February 21, Sanders tweeted, “I've got news for the Republican establishment. I've got news for the Democratic establishment. They can't stop us.” https://twitter.com/BernieSanders/status/1231021453270769664

After Super Tuesday, Sanders stated that Buttigieg and Klobuchar were pressed to drop out as part of an establishment plot to defeat him. https://thehill.com/homenews/sunday-talk-shows/486503-sanders-klobuchar-and-buttigieg-ended-campaigns-under-great-deal

Sanders has repeatedly attacked the press as “paid by the corporations and billionaires who own the media.”  He’s promoted the conspiracy theory that Jeff Bezos makes The Washington Post write negative articles about him. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/aug/27/bernie-sanders-attacks-media-press-fair-or-trump-2020-democrats

During the Nicaraguan conflict, Sanders accused American reporters of ignoring the truth and told a CBS reporter, “you are worms.” https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2019/05/bernie-sanders-pro-sandinista-past-problem.html

Sanders accused The Washington Post of trying to harm him in the Nevada caucus by reporting on Russia’s attempts to boost his campaign. https://www.mediaite.com/tv/bernie-sanders-takes-a-shot-at-washington-post-good-friends-when-asked-about-timing-of-russia-report/

“We Support Them”: Sanders the Spoiler

Robert Mueller’s investigation found that Russian interference sought to boost both Sanders and Trump’s 2016 campaigns, stating “we support them.” https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/02/17/indictment-russians-also-tried-help-bernie-sanders-jill-stein-presidential-campaigns/348051002/

Sanders was well aware of the Russian efforts, stating “What we knew is–well, of course we knew that.  And of course we knew that they were trying to cause divisiveness within the Democratic party.  Uh, that’s no great secret.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDYbHult0Do

When The Washington Post reported on Russia’s efforts to boost Sanders in 2020, Sanders had already known for weeks and said nothing.  After the report came out, he attacked the Post and accused them of trying to tank his performance in the Nevada caucus, stating “I’ll let you guess, about one day before the Nevada caucus. Why do you think it came out?  It was The Washington Post?  Good friends.” https://www.mediaite.com/tv/bernie-sanders-takes-a-shot-at-washington-post-good-friends-when-asked-about-timing-of-russia-report/

The Fish Rots from the Head: The Sanders Campaign

The 2016 campaign breached the Clinton campaign’s voter data and harvested and stored voter information https://time.com/4155185/bernie-sanders-hillary-clinton-data/

The 2016 campaign received a 645 page letter from the FEC detailing the campaign’s finance violations (https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/05/the-bernie-sanders-donors-who-are-giving-too-much/482418/) and had to pay a $14.5 K fine to the FEC after receiving donations from non-citizens. https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/376373-sanders-campaign-pays-145k-fine-to-settle-fec-complaint

The 2016 Nevada campaign director sought to rig the state’s caucus by urging staffers to buy double-sided coins for tie-breaking coin tosses http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/sanderss-nevada-director-floated-two-sided-coins-for-tiebreaks-report/ar-AAhHiAI?getstaticpage=true&automatedTracking=staticview

The 2016 campaign initially decried superdelegates as “undemocratic” (https://www.cnn.com/2016/02/23/opinions/superdelegates-democratic-party-kohn/) before attempting to persuade them to go against the primary’s outcome and back Sanders instead of Clinton https://www.npr.org/2016/05/19/478705022/sanders-campaign-now-says-superdelegates-are-key-to-winning-nomination

The 2016 campaign was accused by staffers of sexual harassment, demeaning treatment toward women, and pay disparity by gender https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/02/us/politics/bernie-sanders-campaign-sexism.html

Weeks before the 2016 general election, Jane Sanders retweeted a video from an April town hall of her husband telling an attendee to “make these decisions yourself” regarding whether or not to vote third party if Secretary Clinton won the primary https://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/story/news/politics/2016/09/26/retweet-bernie-sanders-wife-jane-raises-questions/91140254/

The 2020 Sanders campaign appointed Russian interference denier and Jill Stein 2016 voter Briahna Joy Gray as the campaign’s National Press Secretary https://twitter.com/briebriejoy/status/888555665865814017?lang=en

Following promises to run a civil campaign, Sanders hired David Sirota, a man who’d spent months attacking other primary contenders online, as a speech writer.  The campaign also confirmed that Sirota had already been serving in an advisory role prior to his official hiring https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2019/03/sanders-promised-civility-hired-twitter-attack-dog/585259/

Press Secretary Briahna Joy Gray called for the doxing of a Sanders critic on Twitter. If there was any repercussion for this behavior, it has never been made public. https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2019/8/14/1879124/-Bernie-Sanders-s-Campaign-Doxed-a-Critic-on-Twitter

The 2020 campaign hired and fired YouTuber Matt Orfalea within 24 hours after being alerted of his sexist, racist, homophobic, and ableist content, suggesting he was not vetted before his hiring https://www.dailydot.com/layer8/bernie-sanders-matt-orfalea-mlk-youtube-video/

Despite his firing and the campaign decrying his behavior in October 2019, in January 2020 Jane Sanders was still retweeting and praising Orfalea.  https://twitter.com/Rob_Flaherty/status/1236861997398048768

In March 2020, Orfalea posed as a Biden volunteer and made calls to voters claiming that Biden has dementia.  https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/jgeanp/a-man-fired-from-sanders-campaign-is-calling-biden-voters-and-saying-he-has-dementia

They hired and fired Darius Khalil Gordon after two days after being alerted of his sexist, racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, and ableist Tweets https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2019/12/bernie-sanders-new-head-organizer-called-people-fgs-bhes/

The campaign also hired former Women’s March leader Linda Sarsour as a campaign surrogate.  The Women’s March cut ties with Sarsour following anti-Semitic statements. https://nypost.com/2018/11/20/womens-march-founder-calls-on-current-leadership-to-step-down/

Sarsour was also condemned by the Anti-Defamation League for the statement that “a state like Israel that is based on supremacy, that is built on the idea that Jews are supreme to everyone else.” https://forward.com/news/national/435964/bernie-sanders-linda-sarsour-jewish-voters/

Sanders National Campaign Co-Chair Nina Turner claimed that Biden’s strong support among Black voters is due to the voters’ “short memories” and “not a true understanding of the history” https://thehill.com/hilltv/rising/473161-top-sanders-officials-hits-biden-over-riding-on-obamas-coattails

The 2020 campaign paid staffers working 60 hours a week an average of 13 dollars per hour despite Sanders campaigning on a 15 dollar per hour minimum wage https://www.vox.com/2019/7/20/20700841/bernie-sanders-minimum-wage-staff-pay

Bernie Bros attacked Biden’s Detroit rally on 3/9/20, striking senior aide Symone Sanders in the head with an iPad and knocking her down. https://www.politico.com/news/2020/03/10/joe-biden-detroit-protests-sanders-124874

“Nobody Likes Him”: Sanders Himself

In 1996, Congressman Barney Frank said of Sanders, “Bernie alienates his natural allies.  His holier-than-thou attitude—saying in a very loud voice he is smarter than everyone else and purer than everyone else—really undercuts his effectiveness.”  https://www.boston.com/news/politics/2016/04/11/history-barney-frank-bernie-sanders-criticize

In her recent Hulu documentary series, Hillary Rodham Clinton briefly spoke about Sanders, saying “He was in Congress for years.  He had one senator support him.  Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. He was a career politician. It's all just baloney and I feel so bad that people got sucked into it.” https://twitter.com/Burkmc/status/1235863901813661697?s=09

A former campaign staffer called Sanders “unbelievably abusive.”  Another campaign insider called him an asshole, and a former Senate staffer recounted, "He yelled in meetings all the time.”  https://www.sevendaysvt.com/vermont/anger-management-sanders-fights-for-employees-except-his-own/Content?oid=2834657

One aide stated that Sanders “never makes you feel like you’re good enough to be in the room with him.”  https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/06/us/politics/bernie-sanders-image.html

Sanders voted in favor of dumping nuclear waste on the poor and predominantly Latinx community of Sierra Blanca, Texas https://www.texastribune.org/2016/02/28/Sanders-Nuclear-Waste-Votes-Divide-Texas-Activists/

When asked if he would visit the site in Sierra Blanca, Sanders answered “Absolutely not.” https://archives.texasobserver.org/issue/1998/09/11#page=11

Sanders voted five times against the Brady Act which required universal background checks and a waiting period to buy firearms. https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/oct/13/hillary-clinton/hillary-clinton-bernie-sanders-voted-against-brady/o

He also voted against the AMBER Alert System. http://archive.boston.com/news/local/vermont/articles/2006/09/21/sanders_vote_on_amber_alert_emerges_as_key_campaign_issue/

He wanted to primary Obama in the 2012 election cycle. https://www.thenation.com/article/yes-bernie-sanders-wanted-obama-primaried-in-2012-heres-why/

After saying millionaire senators are immoral (https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/24/politics/bernie-millionaire-senators-immoral/index.html) and railing against millionaires and billionaires in his 2016 campaign, Sanders responded to criticism of his millionaire senator status by saying “if you write a best-selling book, you can be a millionaire, too.”  His stump speech now only rants about billionaires. https://theweek.com/speedreads/834228/bernie-sanders-says-millionaire-like-write-bestselling-book 

Upheld a ban on rock concerts as mayor of Burlington like a Footloose villain https://i.redd.it/atpybo1rcwa31.jpg

Despite running on forgiving student loan debt since 2015, when pressed for specifics during an interview with Dana Bash, Sanders responded, “I don't have the plan in my pocket right now,” because, you know, why on Earth should he know the details of his key campaign promises? https://mobile.twitter.com/DanaBashCNN/status/1137779734467792897

Two days before the 2016 general election, Sanders tweeted “I do not believe that most of the people who are thinking about voting for Mr. Trump are racist or sexist.” https://twitter.com/berniesanders/status/794941635931099136?lang=en

 Sanders had a heart attack at age 78, making his continued life expectancy 3.1 years. https://www.cardiovascularbusiness.com/topics/acute-coronary-syndrome/study-65-older-mi-patients-die-within-8-years

He could have dropped out of the race after his heart attack and endorsed Warren, and she could have spent the primary building coalitions with the demographics where she was the weakest, and could well have been the front runner by now.  Instead, he selfishly stayed in the race, screwing her over and knowing full well the odds are against him living through a single term.  He continued to do the only thing he’s good at: fucking everyone over.

Say whatever you want about Biden, it’s not like there aren’t things to say.  But I’ve seen so many posts about how “Sure, Biden’s the worst EVER, but he is EVER SO SLIGHTLY less worse than Trump,” and excuse me, fuck off.  Biden horribly lost his wife and daughter before his 1972 Senate term even started, and instead of dropping out, he continued to serve his constituents while commuting home two hours every night to raise his sons.  Meanwhile, in 1972, Sanders was a deadbeat bum stealing electricity.  There’s no comparison.

[sociallyawkward--fics]

I Will Wait and Hope

Part of the “Power of Love” series

Part 1: I Have Loved You For a Hundred Years  [ao3]

Part 2: Certainly Fucking Feels Like It  [ao3]

Okay, full honesty, I don't know if this holds up to the standards I wanted to keep this series at. I feel like it's not as good as the other two, BUT I've had it written for weeks just staring me in the face and I figured there's not much more I can do unless I rewrote it, which I didn't want to do, so I'll let you all form your own opinions! Also, I tried giving it a last couple edits but I have a possible migraine coming on, so if I missed anything that would be why lol.

I hope you guys enjoy this one as much as the other two!

Summary: Geralt's done the hard part, he told Jaskier how he felt and broke the news of his immortality. Telling Ciri what's going on should be easy. Right?

Word Count: 1284 words

[ao3 link]

----------------------------

They didn’t stay at Yennefer's for too much longer. Winter was approaching fast and they only had so long to travel from where Yennefer’s up to Kaer Morhen before the paths became too dangerous for Jaskier and Ciri, or before the passes closed from the snows. They spent one more night at Yennefer’s (in which Geralt and Jaskier made wonderful use of the soundproofing spells Yennefer had enchanted all the rooms with, thankfully uninterrupted by Ciri).

Yen saw them off the next morning, tossing her usual insults at Jaskier, having a heartfelt moment with Ciri, and even going so far as to give Geralt a hug. She pulled him aside as Jaskier and Ciri finished packing and began readying Roach.

“You did the hard part,” she said. “You told Jaskier you were in love with him, and that seemed to go quite well. Now, you need to explain the situation to Ciri.”

Geralt resisted the urge to deflate. Emotions, opening up, having conversations; it was all too much for him. Things used to be so much simpler.

“Oh, grow up, Geralt,” Yennefer said, though not unkindly. “You need to be having these conversations with her, and she deserves to know what’s going on. Both with you and your bard, and with how she plays into all this.”

“Fine.” Geralt said.

Geralt did not tell her that day. Or the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. Jaskier kept shooting him looks, but he never said anything since Ciri was always around. On the rare moments they had alone together, always brief, Jaskier would always tell him that he understood that it wasn’t his place to tell Ciri for him. He immediately followed that with, “So tell her already because she can see that you’re on edge and it’s making her nervous as hell.”

At least Jaskier always peppered his prodding with kisses.

And it wasn’t like he was wrong. Ciri had been edgy lately, skirting around Geralt more and more as the days passed, watching him carefully out of the corner of her eye. Her scent had gone from its usual rose-sweet to something sour and rotten with nerves. She seemed too nervous to even talk to Geralt, and hadn’t hugged him since the morning he let her go to the market with Yen.

They were a week out from Kaer Morhen when Geralt finally broke.

Mostly because Jaskier started withholding kisses until he got over himself.

“Let’s talk,” Geralt said stiffly.

Ciri looked up from where she was fiddling with her dagger on her ratty bed. The inn hadn’t had many rooms left (and they hadn’t had much coin), but it was the best they could manage, even with Jaskier paying off the rest of the sum with a performance downstairs. Geralt patted the edge of he and Jaskier’s (also shitty) bed and she slowly made her way over and settled next to him.

“There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you,” he said, still just as awkward.

Ciri glanced at the door. “We?”

Geralt hesitated. “I. But it involves Jaskier. And you.”

Ciri fidgeted with her hands in her lap, avoiding Geralt’s gaze. “Did I do something wrong?”

Geralt’s eyes went so wide he thought they would bulge out of his head. “No!” He said, too quickly and too loudly.

Ciri flinched, making Geralt wince.

“No,” he repeated, somewhat more controlled.

Geralt took a few moments to try and figure out what he wanted to say, but he never had been good with words. That was Jaskier’s department, not Geralt’s. Not to mention that it had been under two weeks since Geralt learned he had emotions and he hadn’t quite been able to process that properly, yet, even with Jaskier’s help. Decades of habits and thought patterns were hard to unlearn.

Ciri, unfortunately, was not as patient as Jaskier, and not as used to Geralt’s tendency to take too long to formulate his thoughts and answer questions.

“Geralt?” She asked, voice shaky.

Just get it over with, Geralt thought. Like severing a damaged limb.

That wasn’t the best analogy. This was why Jaskier was the famous bard and poet, not Geralt.

“Jaskier is immortal.”

Ciri jerked back a little and blinked. “He’s what?”

“Immortal.”

“How did Jaskier become immortal? Did he… do something with a god of some sort? Or did he drink something weird again? Like that time he drank the funny potion and his hair and skin went pink for a whole week?”

Geralt let out a heavy breath, grateful witchers couldn’t blush. “No. As Yennefer explained it, my… love for him was so strong that it became infused with chaos and magically linked our lifelines.”

Ciri’s shoulders relaxed for the first time in weeks. “Aww,” she cooed teasingly. “I knew you loved him all along!” She gave him a cheeky grin. “And I knew Yennefer’s plan would work to get you together.”

Geralt scoffed, but couldn’t hide his smile. He scrubbed a hand against her hair, ignoring her yelps of protest as she tried to shove his hand away. After finally shoving him away, she scooted over to settle against his side. Hesitantly, he draped an arm over her small form.

“Roach is also immortal.”

Ciri nodded against his ribcage. “That makes sense. Otherwise she would probably be too old to carry you.”

“And,” Geralt started, ignoring the quip for the moment, but cutting himself off and clearing his throat to buy himself some time. “Yen said it may affect you, too.”

Ciri pulled away and looked up at him. “Please don’t tell me I’m frozen at twelve.”

Geralt shook his head and tried to remember what Yennefer told him. “She said… the magic surrounds you, but it’s not exactly affecting you the same. At least, not yet, because you’ve still been growing. It may come in later in life, you could stop ageing in your early twenties or so, but she’s not sure how it’ll manifest on you.”

Ciri wrinkled her nose.

“As Yen said, ‘the magic of love is a fickle thing.’”

“That’s weird.”

Geralt shrugged. “It’s pretty weird.”

She turned another cheeky grin up at him. “But now you’re stuck with us!”

“Seems so.”

Jaskier came back to the room barely minutes later, glistening with sweat and grinning wildly from his post-show euphoria. He set his lute case by the door next to Geralt’s swords, grin growing impossibly wider when he saw them curled together on the bed.

“I take it the oaf finally made an effort to communicate?” He teased, striding toward the bed.

Ciri giggled, then fake gagged as Jaskier leaned over to give Geralt a peck on the lips.

“Gross,” she said.

“You’re gross,” Jaskier replied, wiggling a few fingers into her side to make her squeal.

Ciri groaned. “I can’t believe I’m stuck with your grossness for immortality.”

“Get used to it sweetpea,” Jaskier said, pressing a more lingering kiss to Geralt’s lips. “Immortality is a pretty long time.”

And frankly, Geralt was fine with that. 

Multiple lifetimes of Jaskier’s music and teasing and kisses. Multiple lifetimes of Ciri’s sass and cheekiness and warm hugs. Multiple lifetimes of having a family (or, at least, a family he saw more than just for a few months every winter).

Geralt pressed a kiss to Ciri’s temple, chuckling at her continued squeals of “gross,” and leaned over to accept yet another kiss from Jaskier (and he was certainly getting as many as those as he could, now that they were no longer being withheld). Jaskier would probably say he “could get used to this.” Geralt didn’t know if he ever would.

But he at least had the time to try.

[fandom-necromancer]

Decrypting love

Shoutout to the wonderful @smolandangry001! I hope the real life lip is okay XD

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 (Warnings: Blood (but just a drop or so, nothing serious))

Having remarkably acute auditory sensors had its perks and drawbacks. He could hear everything spoken in the precinct, he could hear their clothes rustling, their pens clicking, he could even hear the TV from the lobby loud and clear and that was beyond the

reception desk

. Needless to say, that post-deviancy he immediately rewrote his programming so he could filter out what was unnecessary. Specifically, that meant he would still hear everything, his programming would save it all, but only let through specific parameters for him to hear consciously. The persons he considered friends for example were constantly audible, as well as everyone who talked about him or them together with who he concentrated on. It was still a lot, but manageable and he wouldn’t have an overload again because of it.

There was still a lot of objectively unimportant information, but sometimes Nines enjoyed hearing Connor talking about his day or what music Tina liked to listen to. Recently most of their talks circled around recently passed Christmas and New Year’s eve what was just around the corner. Gavin kept more quiet than normal, Tina and Connor made up for it. Nines hadn’t thought much about Christmas. It was a human holiday dedicated to spent time with the family. Androids had no family, except for when they had chosen one. Connor would spend his with Hank, Tina with her girlfriend and sisters, Gavin hadn’t told anything about it and Nines knew better than to pry. He knew that the human’s family was dangerous territory. Nines spent it at work, although he had left his friends little courtesy presents.

Apparently, that had been the wrong thing to do. Nobody had said anything at first until Tina had pulled him into a secluded corner the first time they were alone. He had to listen to her scolding him for his behaviour, only getting gentler with him as it became obvious, he had misunderstood something. Her words had been stuck in his head ever since: ‘You love him, right? Then you have to take action. If you just wait for him to make a move, you will wait forever. I know you are scared, I completely understand you, but you can’t fuck this up, no matter what you do. He likes you a lot.’

She was right, of course, she always was. But it was easier said than done. He had missed his chance to be there for Gavin and had to wait for the next. So, he just got back to work, eagerly trying to solve their next case. Crime didn’t sleep just because the year was ending. That was until his sensors picked up something interesting again. Tina was talking to Chris about marriage, as he found out listening to his recordings again. ‘Oh, you have to invite me to your wedding! I’ll invite you too!’ ‘Oh, Tina you know my wife loves your cake, you have to come! But as you mentioned it, when will be yours?’ ‘Ah, it’s only a matter of time’, Tina grinned. ‘I’ll kiss her when the clock strikes midnight! This way we’ll be together for all the years that’ll come!’ ‘Oh, you goddamn romantics’, Chris laughed. ‘I wish you two best of luck.’

The case was forgotten immediately. There was no way this was some sort of biological thing, but when Tina said it, he could trust her. Maybe it was some traditional ritual. But this could be his chance to make up for Christmas. Yes, this would work.

The days passed and Nines anxiously looked up their work schedules. Gavin hadn’t taken vacation for New Year’s eve and that fact didn’t change as the time went on. The android was growing more confident he would finally get his chance to show Gavin his feelings and at the same time grew more insecure about what Tina had said. He had never kissed before, and the Tracy software was incompatible. It would be horrible, but most internet guides just told him that being inexperienced wasn’t something to be feared and that it would come to one naturally when it happened. Nines was afraid these guides were only applicant to humans as nothing could come “naturally” to an android. But he decided to take it as a boost in confidence, not the opposite.

Still he was nervous as time passed and the clock ticked near midnight on the 31st December. One last time he accessed his note on kissing. It involved pressing each other’s lips together, but in a way that allowed movement, there was something about biting and tongues and Nines was honestly overwhelmed. He had yet to master facial expressions, but somehow this seemed to be even more complicated.

As his counter ticked below one minute to midnight, he stood up and walked around the table to where Gavin was sitting. ‘What’s up, toaster?’, the Detective asked visibly bored. ‘I need you to stand up.’ ‘Yeah, I need you to go phck yourself.’ Anger rose up at his plans falling in on themselves and the seconds ticked down unforgivingly. It had to be exactly on midnight and that was only ten seconds away. From somewhere in the bullpen someone started a countdown as to emphasize his own even more and Nines swiftly brushed off his original plans. Instead, he turned Gavin’s chair, so the man faced him, crouched down and took his head in his hands, putting his researched theory to praxis.

He tried to do everything at once and panicked as he suddenly detected blood. Around them people cheered the new year arriving, but the noise was drowned out by Gavin’s reaction: ‘Ouch, what the phck, toaster? What the hell was that supposed to be?’ Oh no. Nines took in the human in front of him as realisation dawned, he had failed his mission. And even worse: he had been far too rough and hurt Gavin. He had taken his chance and made it far worse than it had been before.

‘I-I’m sorry’, Nines stumbled and took a few steps back, then hurrying straight to the toilets to escape the situation. His one chance and he had failed, Gavin would hate him again. All the work he had put into getting to better terms with the man was lost. How could he have been so dumb? How could he have thought this to be a good idea? How could he think a human could even- ‘Toaster? You in here?’ Nines turned around and couldn’t stop looking at the split lip hidden under a handkerchief, a wound he had caused. His face must have shown a lot, because Gavin flinched, quickly closing the door behind him and holding up his hands in defence. ‘Don’t. Nines, stop thinking for a moment. Just explain.’ ‘I- Tina said-‘ ‘It’s okay.’ ‘I wanted to kiss you. I felt bad about my misbehaviour on Christmas and the change of years is another event rich of meaning to humans.’ ‘A kiss?’ Gavin let the tissue sink to look at Nines under a new light. ‘I want to apologize for overstepping boundaries and hurting you. It was not in my intention to-‘ He was interrupted by Gavin throwing himself at him. Nines stopped his defence protocols from springing to action. He deserved this attack. Only then he realised he hadn’t needed to brace for anything as Gavin hugged him. ‘What-‘ ‘Shut up, tin-can. Never thought you felt that way, too.’ Wait. Too? ‘So you are saying you lo-‘ ‘I said shut up toaster!’

Gavin reached up and pressed his head down with a force Nines hadn’t anticipated. Again, their lips pressed together, but this time Gavin was the only one to move, to show him what he had to do.

They drew away from each other for Gavin to catch air again and Nines took the time to brush away the blood that slowly surfaced again. ‘This will need stitches.’ ‘Oh shut up, don’t ruin the moment.’ All the time Gavin stared at his lips entranced. ‘You don’t know how many times I dreamt of this’, he whispered then and they kissed again, long and deep.

It seemed some things could indeed come natural to an android.

[aroyami]

To give an example of what goes into my fics and why it’s so frustrating when I don’t get much feedback on them, here’s what went into the writing process for chapter 10 of wHm mswt:

I came up with the basic concept of this chapter last June. I wasn’t yet at the point in the story where it was time to include it, so I sat on it for a while until the story could progress far enough.

During this time, I thought about the details, such as what Atem’s cat would look like, whether it would be a boy or girl cat, how old it would be, what he would name it, how it would behave, etc.

Finally, it came time to actually write the chapter. I wrote slowly, being careful with my words and editing as I went. I rewrote the scene with Yugi’s dad in the car several times before finally settling on which direction to take it in. Finding the right way to convey Atem’s feelings, and figuring out how to get the flow right from point A to point B to point C, was very difficult.

Because I don’t actually own a cat, I spent a long time researching cat behavior and care to ensure I wrote Princess Dark Eradicator Warlock accurately. I researched what 5-month-old cats look and act like, cats with ear injuries, how to cat-proof a house, what you should buy when you first adopt a cat and how much this all costs (although I wound up forgetting to include the line where Dad Mutou mentions how much it costs, rip me), cat body language, the subtle differences in sounds cats make and what they mean, how much to feed your cat and when, what household items are safe for cats to play with, how a cat might react to a new house.

I watched lots of videos of people visiting animal shelters and/or bringing home new cats, to make sure the experience and the environment was depicted accurately. For the cats in the shelter, I researched the most popular cat names in Japan.

I researched cat collar types, and looked at Japanese sites to see pet collar tags in Japan and what can be engraved on them. I made sure to account for the fact that the card “Dark Eradicator Warlock” has a different name in Japanese, and therefore her full name- Spelled “Mutou Hime Kuromadou no Shikkoukan” but pronounced “Mutou Purinsesu Burakku Ekusukyuushonaa”- would be far too long to actually fit on a tag.

I researched the use and applications of copper in ancient Egypt and if Atem would be likely to know about its antimicrobial properties.

I researched the role of cats in ancient Egyptian society. In this process I wound up reading an archaeological journal published by the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 1923 regarding the tomb of Puyemre in Thebes, the source of the claims about a cat named “sweetie”. I double checked the illustrations and the notes to confirm that this was indeed most likely a depiction of a cat, and then I consulted a dictionary to learn more about the pronunciation and meaning of this word, as well as similar words. After I decided that I would indeed use it as a pet name, I checked several sources on grammar to make sure I modified it for the correct gender, as Princess Dark Eradicator Warlock is a girl, and ancient Egyptian was a gendered language, therefore it would need to be changed from “nDm” to “nDm-t”. Keep in mind I don’t actually speak Middle Egyptian.

I initially planned for several scenes involving Bakura and his character development, but decided to move them to next chapter for the sake of not putting too much into one chapter. I also planned out scenes with Mahaad and Mana before deciding to save those for next chapter as well.

I checked a list of cards in Yugi and Atem’s decks to decide what should happen in the scene where Princess Dark Eradicator Warlock interrupts their duel.

I double checked plot summaries and screenshots of the last several episodes of the 1993 Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure OVA, to make sure I got the timing and commentary right in the scene where they watch it.

Finally, I waited for feedback from several friends to make sure the chapter was acceptable quality before publishing.

And here’s what I have gotten in the two weeks since I published this chapter:

6 kudos- Which might not even have anything to do with chapter 10, I don’t know, it could be new readers who are just reading the first few chapters

One comment

That’s it. All that work, and I’ve gotten almost nothing in return. And I know I shouldn’t expect people to be throwing themselves at my feet praising my writing skills all the time, and I know people have plenty of reasons why they might not comment right away or whatever, but I just... It’s really hard to feel like the effort I put in is worth it. I don’t need instant gratification and I don’t expect it, but it really is kind of crushing when I get almost no response to my work unless I actively beg people to say literally anything about it. 

I genuinely can’t tell if people are even still reading at all unless they comment, let alone if they actually like what they’re reading or not. I can’t! There’s no way for me to know! I know people say they like my fics, but when I publish a new chapter and people don’t comment... From your end it looks like you’ve got a fun new thing to read and you’re super excited, but from my end it looks like I’ve just put out months worth of hard work and maybe someone glanced at it for a few seconds, maybe they didn’t, I don’t know. All the love in the world can’t motivate me if I don’t know it’s there, so when no one says anything it feels like it’s because no one wants to say anything.

If you like my fics, tell me! Tell me what you like and what you don’t! Tell me if you enjoyed an update! Leave a comment, send me a message, post about it on your blog, whatever, just don’t stand there reading silently because I can’t see you reading and I don’t know that you’re there. Please, and this goes for any fic you like, regardless of who wrote it- If you are reading something and enjoying it, don’t wait to indicate this until the author gets desperate enough to ask. If a fic makes you smile, if a fic makes you cry, say so, because we can’t see you.

[mimzy-writing-online]

I'm incredibly sorry for this ask , but I'd like the opinion of different writers. I have this story I have finished. It's has been re-read, edited, polished. It's technically done. The story is consistent, the pacing is okay. But what I don't like is how the characters are portrayed. They lack life, and I think it may be because during the years I improved my writing, and now I'm sure I'd be able to do better. What would you do? Would you rewrite the story from scratch? Thanks in advance.

First, no worries about asking for advice. That’s legit what I’m here for. And having been in the same position you are now, (twice) I know how impossible it feels.

Off the bat, advice I would recommend: 

Beta Reading: Get some fresh eyes to look at it, ideally someone who 1) reads books in that genre and that age range, and 2) has no obligation to worry about your feelings.

Thoroughly consider why you want to rewrite it: make an actual pros and cons list. It sounds silly, but it helps because you realize what decision you’re arguing for, what your instinct says.

Give yourself a shot at attempting a rewrite. Give yourself a set time limit to try it out. Your current book isn’t going anywhere and publishing takes forever anyway, so what’s another month or another three months?

At the end of this trial run you can ask yourself: Did a rewrite make it better? Do the characters and their world feel more alive? Even if it looks like a mess, given more time to finish and edit, would it look better than the original?

If you find you like the characters better, if you feel like you know them better, then you can consider going through the book and highlighting where they feel out of character compared to your new understanding of the characters

Watch Whispers of the Heart. I mean it! It’s a Studio Ghibli movie, and I swear to god it will inspire you and make this decision a little easier. The whole movie is about developing your creative craft. Its overall analogy is that of a geode. Your craft looks rough and sloppy on the outside, but with time, practice, and love you’ll find the beauty hidden underneath and make it shine. Amazing movie, it will change how you think about writing.

Now, finally, ask yourself: Is this the story I want to debut with? Is this the story I want to begin my writing career with?

This will be when you make your decision.

That’s the most objective advice I can give you. Since you’re asking a lot of writers for their stance, you’ll probably have a few different opinions, but I think running through this troubleshoot method will give you a chance to see for yourself.

My biased opinion?

It comes from my own experience with A Witch’s Memory. 

This is about to be a very long story, fair warning, but it’s my entire thought process over 7-8 years of working on and off with the same project. A big part of the reason why I’m going in depth about the experience is because I keep going back to what you said:

“I think it may be because during the years I improved my writing, and now I'm sure I'd be able to do better. What would you do?”

The same thing happened to be. I started the series when I was much younger, but in the 7.5 years since then I’ve changed a lot as both a person (not adult/not teenager) and as a writer (who’s had several projects since then). I’m gonna walk you through 7.5 years of personal development and how it affected the project.

I joke that A Witch’s Memory has three universes, and those universes are all different rewrites. I first started the series I was seventeen. I finished the rough drafts of three books in the series and got down to full on editing the first book after I graduated high school. Within a year I had a finished novel that wasn’t necessarily polished (not by my standards today) but at the time I was ready to move forward and publish. I sent query letters out to lit agents but didn’t get any bites back. I didn’t get to work at it for long due to health issues, my whole body kind of just crashed so for six months I was too sick to do much of anything, let alone stress myself out over query letters. I started community college the next semester and got more involved in school than in writing.

17 when I started, 18 when I started editing, 19 when I queried and got sick, almost turning 20 when I started college.

I put the book on hold for another year and focused on school. During that time I had a lot of personal development as a person. I got more experience being myself, being an adult who can make decisions for themself.

And I realized that at age 19 I’d developed a lot of insecurities about my book.

In my case, it was the world building. I love my characters, and at their heart they’re still the same, albeit a bit more realistic. I re-examined what about the world building I didn’t like.

It felt too much like Twilight to start, with the way vampires and werewolves were supposed to hate each other, and witches and fairies hated each other, because that just made sense to a 17 year old who had never read paranormal before Twilight changed the direction of the genre.

I didn’t like magic being a secret that no human could know about, so I changed that. I didn’t like my character’s backstories too much, so I tweaked that too. For the best.

At age 20/21 (it was right around my birthday) I rewrote the entire first book. After finishing the rough draft I looked at editing it, looked at starting the rough draft of the second book, and I realized I didn’t like this version either.

So I put it on hold for anther two years. I worked on two different projects, experimented with writing style, got to know myself as a person better.

At 23 I reexamined what I didn’t like about “Universe 2″ and I realized-

I wasn’t comfortable with the way the book was written now. Too many main characters meant to many pov changes and too many personal plot lines to plan. I could see from the beginning how much I favored Anna and Ulric and Felix over my other main characters, so I cut my cast of six main characters down to three, focusing on my favorites. I also saw that the setting wasn’t working for me and it would be a lot less stress for me to chance the setting to somewhere I was more familiar with, setting it mostly in America instead of the U.K.

And I decided to stop worrying about what my past beta readers would think if the book didn’t look the same in “Universe 3″ and to just run with my heart.

(For any wondering, the beta reader in question is my mum, who has been the biggest supporter of my writing since I was 14 and believed I would be published even when I was ready to give up writing and work at a different career. She’s very attached to “Universe 1″ but it’s not where I want to go, and I know she’ll love this new direction when she reads it)

I started the rough draft for Universe 3 in January of 2019 (almost a year ago to the day I’m writing this). I did it on a whim. I had a dream of Anna and Ulric flying to safety from a villain on a broomstick and I asked myself why witches never had broomsticks in my old world, and I was like “why not, let’s add it”

And I just messed with world building. I aimed it for a more whimsical feel than my older angsty versions. I’m gonna blame all the Studio Ghibli movies I saw that year. Some of my local theatres have been doing special weekends where they show the movies, and I’ve gone to see four in the last year or so. I saw Kiki’s Delivery Service a few months earlier with my best friend (A) and then a month after starting the new draft I saw Howls Moving Castle and Spirited Away (same week, I think, all in theatre) and then as I was finishing the rough draft I saw Whispers of the Heart for the first time.

(this was the moment I realized that specific movie would help A LOT on this decision making process, so I included it above)

Anyway, I just gave myself permission to go in a completely different direction with my book.

I should note, that at 23 I had been visually impaired/blind for some 3 years, although it wasn’t medically official until I was 22. I’d also fallen in love for the first time and broken my own heart. I’d also spent the last two years struggling with gender and sexual identity and really starting to understand that part of myself. 

So in general, the whole experience with those last two years of my life really changed the direction I took the book. 

I focused more on internal struggle as well as the outside “main bad guy” I’d always been planning to work with. It 

I kept the heart of my characters the same. Anna is still the kindest person you’ll ever meet, as well as sarcastic and brilliant and studious. Ulric is an anxious mess who is crazy loyal to his friends and who wants to gain his own independence. Felix is still a brat, but a loving one with the dryest sarcasm and a penchant for mischief.

Anna’s more cautious than her original incarnation. Ulric wasn’t disabled in previous versions (but at 23 I was disabled and I wanted to write a blind character, but I didn’t want blindness to be their only trait, so I took my most developed character and made him blind). Some of the characters are POC instead of white, I let myself have multiple LGBTQ characters (because 17 year old me thought the token queer was the norm because I only had one queer friend before that and we weren’t that close) and I changed some origin stories. It’s much better for that.

Growing up taught me how to put more life in my books, how to write more realistically less melodramatically, and what it feels like to have friends. Seventeen year old me didn’t have many friends in life, but 24 year old me has some wonderful friends.

Summary in Short?? (can I even do that?)

This advice post is getting long and I’m feeling bad, so okay, here I am: I’m almost 25 (in March). 17 and 23 year old me were very different people with different priorities and different levels of experience. And if I had to choose which book I would go with? 

I’d stay with Universe 3 (and Universe 1 will just be a thing my mum and I know and keep to ourselves, mostly)

I’m nearly done with the 1st edit. I still have days of self doubt, but they’re nothing like what I had years ago. I’m closer to publishing than I was before, mostly because I have a solid plan now and I’ll be self-publishing, allowing me to publish on my own.

In my case, rewriting was the best decision I could have made. I’m not everyone else though, nor am I you. You know yourself and your story better than anyone, and I know you are the most qualified person to make that decision. I have confidence in your ability.

[suits-of-woe]

For the OTP asks... f!Edmund & Goneril >:3

1. If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?Well their first meeting was presumably years before the play started so idk. For this AU in particular though, maybe not the first meeting, but I’m picturing a young Edmund walking around court with a chip on her shoulder but secretly kind of desperate to find anyone she can who can relate to her and accept her in terms of her sexuality and everything she’s facing and Goneril like…knowing that but knowing that associating with her is only going to make it harder for both of them. So she probably tries to get the interactions with Edmund over with quickly but then the next time Gloucester comes to court Edmund’s been sent away and Goneril regrets not being able to do more.


2. What song fits your pairing the most?I’m notoriously bad at finding songs but I still LOVE “The Tower” by Vienna Teng that you suggested for Edmund in this AU.

3. What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?This AU for sure, f!Edmund is so great and I didn’t know I needed that until we started discussing it. I love talking about them so much :) I’m also just a sucker for any AU where they both live and so does Regan and they can actually have a talk and sort out some of their insecurities and mayhaps be emotionally vulnerable.

4. Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?I love canon in all its sexy disastrous glory, but when I’m in the mood for them actually being soft and finding love and comfort with each other, it’s gotta be headcanons. Besides the set-up of the girl AU most of my hcs about their relationship are either post-canon or things they were thinking during canon, but as far as their canon scenes together I don’t really change much.

5. Favorite canon moment of them?I think you said this was your fave too but it’s gotta be 4.2. “Ere long you are like to hear, if you dare venture in your own behalf, a mistress’ command” is just SO MUCH. Dom!Goneril and sub!Edmund is the stupid hill I will die on. That whole scene is just brimming with Power Dynamics and Goneril finally deciding to just let loose and take what she wants, actually embrace her sexuality without fear for the first time. And Edmund just feeling so desired and also actually having someone go after her for once and getting very swept up in the whole thing. That scene is incredibly good.

6. Least favorite canon moment of them?The duel. Which is weird cause I love that scene character-wise for both of them individually, but in terms of their relationship I find it devastating. Goneril having to watch Edmund get mortally wounded and realising this whole relationship that made her give up everything, made her kill her sister, is just crumbling before her eyes and she really is going to be all alone again. And then in realising that she leaves Edmund alone! Edmund who’s spent the whole play desperate for love and affection is just totally without it in her last moments! Fuck!!! Shakespeare why did you do this to me?

7. Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)Ok I joke but I am actually so into the idea of Goneril being the one who initiates the relationship/is more dominant/forward in general because I think it swaps so many of the expectations they’ve both had to face in such a good way. Goneril’s always had to present herself as this object of desire and reproduction for men, that was how her value was measured as a princess and a wife, and her own desire has always been taboo and tamped down, ESPECIALLY because it’s for women. Whereas Edmund’s considered a perverse bastard, of course her tastes are wrong and vulgar, but she’s supposed to be like her mother, not the real object of anyone’s affection for longer than it takes for them to sleep with her and be done. So Goneril getting to WANT and Edmund getting to FEEL WANTED is my favourite thing.

8. Least favorite headcanon trope/idea? I hate interpretations where Edmund is just using her and Regan for power and doesn’t actually have any emotional connection to them at all. I find it so weird cause if she just wanted to marry a princess Regan is right there! It’s clearly not just about that! It doesn’t have to be True Love or anything but the idea that they have zero feelings for each other is ridiculous. And on a less blatantly wrong note: portrayals where Edmund is the one doing all the seducing. Have y’all read 4.2?

9. Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?The mutual loneliness…the mutual rejection they’ve faced from their parents and the world…the mutual realisation that maybe they ARE worthy of love and happiness and can find it with each other….yeah.

10. Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcanon)Edmund buddy you gotta STOP sleeping with two sisters at the same time. I know it’s about her feeling the need to hoard all the love she can get but it’s so bad hon, you’re hurting everyone involved. If you could just NOT do that you could actually maybe have a happy monogamous relationship??

11. If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?I mean they’re kind of canon but them having a functional monogamous relationship is definitely NOT so. My go-to “fix-it” (by which I mean fixing the sad feelings of me, a villain-stanning dumbass) scenario is basically Gloucester escapes with Lear, so Cornwall never blinds him and never dies and Regan has no reason to go for Edmund. The sisters win the war but Albany’s conscience gets to him so he helps Lear and Cordelia get away and goes with them (and also Edgar and Gloucester probs) back to France. Cue a very messy divorce, but at the end of it Goneril’s in full “fuck everyone, I do what I want” mode and Regan’s 100% there for her, so Edmund gets to be her closest advisor and not-so-secret lover, and now that they’re not surrounded by people who treat them as second-class all the time they can actually like…feel secure and be in love.

12. If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?Hmm I suppose another play where they could be a badass power couple with less interference and tragedy. Antonio and Sebastian from the Tempest have some vibes so you could genderswap them. Could TOTALLY see Edmund like “hey you know how I usurped my sibling? I’ll help you usurp your sibling, and then maybe we can also bang”

13. How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.I’ve only kind of tried once (and that was with m!Edmund anyway) so idk…6 or 7 maybe? I like writing Goneril but I find Edmund’s voice very hard to get right, plus I’m always trying to find a good middle ground between Shakespearean English and totally modern language.

14. Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?I mean in-universe it’s Regan/Edmund but I don’t like them nearly as much (and I don’t think they like each other all that much either). If Regan weren’t so grief-stricken and Edmund weren’t so obsessed with holding onto any bit of affection I don’t think they ever would have gotten together.

15. Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)I’m for sure an Edmund person — as much as I love Goneril, she’s not top 3 characters in the canon level of fave. And I think my crush on Edmund is well-documented (although less f!Edmund since I’m straight) but that relationship would probably end in my death tbh

16. Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?I guess Edmund, since she’s the one who cheats, and even though Goneril seems to know about it she doesn’t end things. But realistically I don’t think Edmund would actually break up with her even if she probably should, she’d be more likely to keep hanging on because Affection™ even if things were a wreck. Honestly given how things are in the canon I think both of them would stick around long after it stopped being a good idea.

17. Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?I relate to Goneril somewhat because Womanhood™ and oldest daughter feelings and especially in this AU having a bad and traumatic relationship with a man that makes you hate him even if it’s not really his fault :/ I don’t really relate to Edmund though, and I’ve never had a relationship similar to their dynamic

18. Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?Regan was the first sister I loved and I still adore her but for a while that made me think of Goneril as the boring evil crazy sister who was just getting in everyone’s way. Edmund I loved from the start, although at first it was just in the “villain is cool and sexy haha” way, and it wasn’t until I got really into that character that I started loving Goneril too and thinking about how much they have in common and are SUCH victims of their parents and society in general.

19. On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?Less than 5 I think, this is definitely a niche ship as far as people’s interest on here and tbh I didn’t start fully shipping it until recently. It’s definitely a guilty pleasure ship because their relationship is DISASTROUS but it also makes me feel…a lot of things.

20. What made you decide to ship them?I got really upset thinking about how Edmund canonically died alone and rewrote his death scene so Goneril was there they both kind of…realised how lonely they both were and got to have a genuinely tender moment right at the end. And then it occurred to me how sad their mutual love-starvation is and how much I want them to be there for each other. And THEN you helped me flesh out my ideas for f!Edmund and that just intensified both of their feelings of rejection by the world and Edmund getting to embody Goneril’s sexual liberation and both of them experiencing love in a way they never have before and that just made it even more compelling.

21. Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)I’ve barely written them but honestly fluff because the main appeal of this ship is giving them both companionship and someone to understand what they’re going through. So yeah, I want them to be sweet and talk about their feelings and work through their issues enough to be a functional couple. Will this ever happen? Unlikely, but I can imagine it.

[irinapaleolog]

‘Last Jedi’ Didn’t Undo ‘Force Awakens,’ But ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Retconned Disney’s ‘Star Wars’ Saga

There is a difference between offering unpopular answers to a previous film’s questions and replacing the answers of a previous installment with your own in the next sequel.

Four months after its domestic theatrical debut (not counting Thursday previews), Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ($515 million domestic and $1.174 billion worldwide) will be our last blockbuster movie at least until Tenet in July. I will use this “once a month” Rise of Skywalker post (which will continue until theater re-open or until morale improves) to complain about Force Awakens editors Mary Jo Markey and Maryann Brandon (specifically Markey) arguing in a Mission: Impossible podcast “Light the Fuse,” stating that The Last Jedi (slight paraphrasing) so consciously undid the storytelling of The Force Awakens. We’ve been having this conversation for 2.5 years. It’s one thing when critics, bloggers, pundits, random folks on social media and the like get into this debate. But when the folks actually working on the movies do, failing to understand what a retcon actually is, well...

Star Wars: The Force Awakens used the narrative backbone of the first Star Wars movie to reintroduce the franchise, including a handful of “original trilogy” characters (Han Solo, Leia Organa, Chewbacca, etc.), along with new would-be heroes and villains in a crowdpleasing blockbuster adventure that earned $937 million domestic and $2.068 billion worldwide. I felt the film was too slavishly devoted to the structure and character beats of the original film to its emotional detriment, but my dad (who I was able to fly out for the premiere as a 70th birthday present) loved it, plenty of my fellow critics liked it and the new characters (Rey, Finn, Kylo Ren, etc.) became instant favorites with fans young and old. It also teased character-specific reveals about its new heroine and its new villains while ending on a big cliffhanger.

The Force Awakens ended with Han Solo having been slain by his own son and Finn in a coma with Rey having realized that she had “Force powers” and tracking down a self-exiled Luke Skywalker. We weren’t told if Rey’s lineage or Snoke’s origins had any bearing on the story, we weren’t told if Finn would survive his light saber battle with Kylo (although we all presumed he would) and we certainly didn’t know for sure why Luke, now looking like an elder hermit, had skipped out on the “First Order versus Resistance” battle and hidden away at the first Jedi temple. It is entirely fine that The Force Awakens left these threads dangling in the wind, and that the film (which was absolutely guaranteed to have a sequel) ended with a glorified “To be CONTINUED!”

Yes, I would argue that much of the speculation and debate over Snoke’s origins and Rey’s parentage was not from the movie but from bloggers and writers who spent the next two years offering what at best were educated guesses. With J.J. Abrams not returning to helm The Last Jedi and Colin Treverrow already signed to direct “Star Wars IX,” we really had no idea A) what Abrams’ answers to those questions might be or B) if those threads really mattered at all to the grand story. It was possible that Snoke was just a political operator, and that Rey’s obsession with her parents was purely part of her “the belonging you seek lies not behind you but in front of you” character arc (personified in Finn and Han risking capture and death to rescue Rey from Starkiller base).

Now it is 100% fair to not be happy with how things played out in Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi. The middle flick in Disney’s Star Wars trilogy revealed that A) Rey’s parents were nobodies who didn’t even love her and B) Snoke was merely a stepping stone to Kylo Ren seizing control of the First Order. Sure, maybe you wanted Rey to be a Skywalker or a Palpatine. Maybe you expected Snoke to have a backstory or a reveal as some long-ago Star Wars character (Mace Windu?) reborn as a genocidal dictator. But there is a big difference between “I didn’t like Last Jedi’s answers to the questions Force Awakens posed” and “Last Jedi knowing rewrote or retconned Force Awakens.” Just because the onscreen events didn’t match your head-cannon doesn’t make them incorrect.

The Force Awakens no more gave us answers to its questions than did Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes offer an explanation to its infamous “now the apes rule our Earth too” cliffhanger. If you listen to the DVD commentary to that 2001 “re-imagining” (which was still so disliked that it didn’t spawn a sequel despite earning $385 million on a $100 million budget), you’ll hear Burton specifically stating that he intentionally didn’t offer an explanation for why the Abraham Lincoln statue now resembled Tim Roth’s ape baddie specifically so whomever directed the follow-up could offer their own answers. You can debate whether that was the correct choice, but I would argue that Abrams, again this is not a criticism, did the exact same thing in The Force Awakens.

He left Luke on an island, put Finn into a coma, turned Poe from a “dies in the first act” cameo to a major supporting character and said “Okay, it’s your ball now, go play.” In a sense, that was generous of him, since it meant that The Last Jedi had more freedom to use that first film however it chose. The problem is that Treverrow essentially got sacked and Abrams came back to helm the third installment. The result was a retroactive retcon of The Last Jedi’s character beats and plot twists. I don’t think Treverrow’s (alleged) script for Star Wars IX is the best thing in the world, but it was at least a “yes, and...” sequel to The Last Jedi. Rise of Skywalker essentially ignored The Last Jedi, to its character-specific detriment.

Rise of Skywalker opened with Rey again being unsure of her Force abilities and lacking confidence in her own powers, Finn pining over Rey and caring more about her than about the “cause,” and Poe regressing to a conventional hot-shot fly boy sans earned maturity from his failed leadership in Last Jedi. Retroactively making Rey into a Palpatine and Snoke into a “cooked in a bottle” clone while bringing a cloned Palpatine back to life not only negated the storytelling of The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi but (to a lesser extent) the original Star Wars trilogy. Bringing the Emperor back to “life” negated Anakin Skywalker’s final sacrifice in Return of the Jedi, while retroactively making Rey Sheev’s grand kid, which Luke and Lea apparently knew all along, turns their previous interactions into a mess of contradictions.

It matters whether the people working on the movies know that offering unpopular or controversial answers to a previous film’s mysteries is not the same thing as rewriting or negating that prior installment. The Last Jedi was (somewhat) controversial partially because it gave unexpected (unpopular?) answers to questions teased in The Force Awakens. The Rise of Skywalker was (somewhat) controversial partially because it walked back those reveals seemingly to retroactively retain the answers that Abrams had in his head while making Force Awakens, with “new” answers that A) weren’t terribly popular themselves and B) wasted valuable screen-time which could have been spent on a forward-moving sequel to both Force Awakens and Last Jedi. Last Jedi didn’t retcon or undue Force Awakens. But Rises of Skywalker managed to retcon not just its predecessors but the entire Star Wars saga.

[duhad]

Three Pillars of Writing: A Terrible Essay by Duhad

Since I ended up spending way too long writing this in response to a largely unrelated post about fan fiction, I’m going to post this overly long soap box rant about writing on its own in the vain hope the 3 or 4 people who follow me will read this if its not hidden under 3 feet of other peoples text.  -

I had a conversation with my friend Kit the other day, where I was trying to sort of argue/define an idea I had about stories fundamentally working on three central pillars. 1. Plot - The story of whats going on. The adventure/mystery/horror/romance/etc as an active and progressing narrative. 2. Characters - The central characters and their internal and interpersonal lives. 3. Setting - A mix of both world building and general attention to setting details, ranging from things as grand scoop as the history and cultures of fantasy and sci-fi worlds to as small and personal as the club scene in a big city or the neighborhood of a small town or the student body and facility of a school.

For comedies you can knock out one of these three to replace it with comedy without losing much, so long as the humor works.

In my original argument I more or less was saying that a story needs at least 2 of these to work in order to function, with one weak link not really unbalancing things, but two going out causing a collapse. But reading this I think I am coming to a more nuanced conclusion, that their are people for whom one or more of these are of much higher importance and who can over look flaws in the other one or two. That essentially each reader/viewer/player is, weather consciously or not looking for one or more of these things and the better or worse its handled, the more or less they like it. But since most people don’t really grasp this notion, they look for broader, more tangible things to explain WHY they enjoyed something or not. So for instance I have heard allot of people dismiss the works of Stephen King because he’s too long winded, to caught up on details and the daily lives of his characters and tends to meander, losing allot of steam in the middle of his books as the terrifying threats take a back seat to ‘pointless’ things like characters falling in love, falling out of love, dealing with substance abuse or stress or school or work or fascinations with silly hobbies. For people who are their for the plot, he’s a bore who needs an editor to cut out about 70% of any given new book. Especially when allot of his books end, not with a thrilling climax, but a chapter or two after that point, with the remaining characters moving forward with their lives. Yet his books sell like hotcakes because for people who pick up the books and fall in love with the characters and the worlds they live in. They get to just indulge in their stories for hundreds of pages before suddenly getting a thrill as these people they have spent the last ten to twenty hours with are suddenly thrust into terrible danger, with the fate of the lived in settings they inhabit, from whole world to tiny little communities, dangling in the balance! For another example “Rendezvous With Rama” by Arthur C. Clarke is a book I am sure about 90% of people here would HATE! Its slow, its uneventful, the characters are all consummate professionals who don’t have any drama with one another or really spent much time getting to know one another. The two most exciting things that happen are when someone we met one chapter ago almost gets seriously hurt while trying to fly a sort of winged bike and then does not and later when the Hermian colony fires a nuke at the Rama ship, but then it gets defused relatively easily with no lives lost. But I LOVE IT because it presents an utterly fascinating look at an empty alien spaceship that is unlike anything on Earth. Its strange and beautiful and endlessly fascinating to explore! And the people exploring it themselves are fascinating, not because their particularly deep characters, but because they represent a human culture that is at once recognizable and yet unlike our own. Its a setting first and for most book in other worlds. The Lord of the Rings is setting first, plot second and characters a pretty distant third, at least in the books. Fan fiction tends to be characters first, focusing on the lives and personalities of characters and their interactions with one another before anything else, though obviously their are lots of exceptions. Finally Sherlock Homes stories tend to be plot first, with the central mystery and how it gets solved being the center piece, with the characterization of Homes, Watson and a few of the central figures getting just enough attention to make us care about them and basically everything else being kept pretty out of focus unless necessary for the plot. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle might go into the history of the Mormon Church in “A Study In Scarlet”, but mostly its just their to explain the motivations of Jefferson Hope and he only gets fleshed out to explain why he murdered Drebber and Stangerson, as soon as that’s done he basically just go’s to jail quietly and is never mentioned again. But that’s fine because its a story your reading for the plot, not the setting or the characters, so once the murder is resolved theres no need to keep and flesh out the characters and setting details unless their going to come up again. Which they will not. Hell Moriarty, Homes’s nemesis and biggest recurring enemy shows up in only two stories directly, the second of which he dies in and is only mentioned in a couple others as being basically just a guy who other criminals work for sometimes.

Now obviously these are only broad outlines of major elements that stories tend to work with in less tangible ways and their not the ONLY things readers/viewers/players respond to. Someone who loves plot focused stories might hate Sherlock Homes stories because they don’t like mysteries or prefer more modern characters. Someone who just wants a good character driven story might hate Bloom Into You because they don’t like the leads or just dislike anime as a medium. And someone who likes rich worlds might still hate Dune because its so dark and bloody and fatalistic. That’s fine. But I think knowing what key aspect/s of a way a story is told and where its focus is can tell you just as much about why you do or do not enjoy certain pieces of fiction as more tangible elements like it being a romantic comedy or a sci-fi horror.

-

And as an addendum for writers, I think knowing what you really love about stories can help you get thru allot of tricky spots. I love setting and character elements of stories, but have allot less patience for plot and so when writing I will breeze thru world building sections, people discussing culture or politics or the way things work in their sci-fi/fantasy/just plain weird setting and breezy banter dialogue. But then when it comes to moving the story forward its like, “Ahhhhhh... They uh... Do the thing and then... Uh... Hm... Time for a brake. I’ll get back to finishing this thing in a month or two.”

Before being able to crystallize by thoughts on this I would often get into trouble by setting out to write plot heavy epics, full of twists and turns and major events I knew would happen at X point in the future, but then never got anywhere in them because I found writing the quick and action heavy scenes that would get me to those big moments where just miserable and felt stilted as hell! Even now I write with my best friend and whenever she talks about these really cool ideas for things that will happen in the futures of the stories I get all excited thinking about how fun writing about how the settings and characters will change and how they will all interact with one another and how many fun scenes I can write in that new environment... And then I remember I need to actually push the story forward to that point and I suddenly get really stressed out because plotting out how that will all happen and then executing on that plot is my least favorite part of writing.

But when I wrote things for my friend’s game where it was like, “Write a history and mythology for this setting.” Or “Write two characters interacting and talking with one another in these short scenes.” Or “Come up with a type of fantasy creature or a culture or a tribe or a cult and then write about how they interact with a group of strangers.” And it was so easy and so much fun that I ended up writing so much stuff I actually got told several times to either stop or slow down because he thought I was pushing myself to hard to come up with this novels worth of setting details and short character interactions. But the truth of the matter was, I was just exhilarated to have a chance to just toss out all of these ideas I didn’t then have to tie together into a tightly constructed over arching plot!

Later I was writing a story for a comic with my best friend and though we had all of these cool ideas, it was not really coming together right. Everything was so detailed, so focused on notes about the setting and expository dialogue and aiming toward setting up for future events that it just didn’t feel right at all. So I took a brake and wrote a RPG based on the setting and spent about 100 pages just carefully building the setting and history for the universe it was set in. Then, months later, I came back to the comic and, now focusing just on the scene at hand and keeping in mind the setting I had built, I rewrote the opening chapter in a way which was SO MUCH BETTER then the first draft! Because I was no longer writing for the plot, but for the characters and the world and THAT was my jam!

Finally fairly recently, while dealing with a bout of writers block, I just for fun wrote something for my aforementioned best friend which was literally just a character looking around their weird room, commenting on some of the dumb stuff she saw and then having a conversation with her best friend. That ended up leading to a 23+ page story I am still writing with her that I find is so fun and relaxing to write I just pick it up and work on it when I am feeling stressed or down and it gets me feeling allot better! And though she is working on some long term plotting stuff for it, the thing I love about it is that, when I am writing it, its basically purely just setting details and characters.

And that’s what I want you writers out their to take away from my TED Talk today! If you find yourself getting caught up over and over again when writing, look at where you keep getting stuck and ask yourself, “Is their a pattern here? Am I getting stuck at random or is it when I try to focus too much on the world or on whats coming next in the story or when I need to write dialogue or back story that I am just grinding to a halt and not knowing what to write next?”  Because I think you might well find that their is a pattern and once you know where your just breezing along and where your getting stuck, you can work to either spice up the parts you have trouble with with the things you enjoy or rework your story to focus on your strengths and down play your weakness. It might seem odd at first, but if Michael Crichton can shove long expository monologs about science into a book about a dino theme park going to hell or a Congo safari filled with intelligent apes murdering people and if Andrew Hussie can hold up his story about cosmically apocalyptic happenings to have a couple of dumb kids talk to one another about nonsense for a few thousand words, you can indulge yourself a little. Its alright, it doesn’t make you a bad creator, just one who will appeal more strongly to a particular audience.

-

Now that I have spent hours writing some dumb nonsense no one will ever read I will go to be- Oh wait its already morning, to get breakfast then work I guess.

As for the rest of you, go enjoy yourselves indulging in or creating whatever flavor of narrative you best enjoy!

@roxthefoxinsox @balile

[softtofustew]

or maybe that’s how it has to be // notes & ending ment

pairing: kang younghyun / park jaehyung

genre: angst ; fluff 

summary: death calls childhood friends jae and brian on christmas eve. willing to make the most of their next twelve hours, they find their ways with each other — and perhaps learn how to really, truly live life on the day they’re going to die.

NOTES & ENDING MENT (2018)

hello, this is chien // on writing this christmas x death soulmates!au work, this is one of the biggest challenges i think i’ve faced in terms of writing. whilst i’m still young and brooding (i believe i am much younger than the average age of fanfiction writers… or at least the majority that i am familiar with), writing has always been here for me. i started writing fanfiction back in february of 2018, and thinking back to it, i never thought i would put out thirty (30!) works out in a span of a couple of months.

this work is particularly special to me, mostly because i’m pouring a lot of time into this baby, and because it’s posted on brian’s birthday, or as an early merry christmas.

i would just like to share some thoughts and words on ‘or maybe that’s how it has to be’, and some insight on its ideas and perimeters. if you haven’t read it, it’s here.

one; setting & perimeters

dealing with this has always been a bit of a wonder. where am i placing them? where are they going? if you notice, i’ve left this city ambiguous, though the names of the characters (minjoon, byungho, jaejoon etc) mentioned imply that it is, in fact, korea. 

as for the perimeters of the story, they are not mine to boast. they are, in fact, a work of adam silvera’s. if you follow me on twitter, i have mentioned him countless times as i wrote this work. his work is called they both die at the end (review). i shall talk a bit more on the book, and how i adapted its ideas.

the story is of two boys, two strangers, who receive individual calls about their imminent deaths in twenty-four (24) hours, the caller being ‘Death-Cast’. they meet through an app called ‘Last Friend’ (think tinder but for people about to die and try to make friends). they meet, and they spend their last day together.

once i’ve laid out these perimeters, you can see how i integrated them into my work, but tweaked a lot of the details. firstly, they die in twelve hours. why? because i don’t think i would’ve written out a whole twenty-four hours. for silvera’s work it was possible because he intertwined plenty of different points of views of different people. 

also, jae and brian are childhood best friends. i feel like them as strangers would’ve taken a lot for them to develop in such a short span of time. seeing someone from your past and reuniting with them (especially if you’ve loved the other before) i feel is more of a sentimental kind of bond over strangers!jaebri. this, of course, does away with the ‘Last Friend’ app entirely.

i never expanded on Death-Cast, but that’s because the book itself never expanded on it. also, i wanted to focus mainly on the events of the whole work. if i had had more time, i think i would’ve expanded on the background of the work, but all’s well that ends well.

two; characters

of course, it’s jae and brian! throughout this year, i’ve loved writing jaehyungparkian. there are certainly lots of reasons behind this, of course. the main one is because these two truly have a lot of chemistry irl - their backstories, their conversations, their meaningless banters on vlive etc. writing fanfiction of them never gets boring, honestly.

though it’s not obvious, i depict jae as the introvert (which is, anyway, his personality, INTP) and brian as the extrovert (who is also extroverted irl). as in the second-last scene, wherein brian asks jae what they would’ve done on their last day if they hadn’t met each other, it’s true: jae would’ve holed up by himself, brian would’ve hung out with wonpil but would never really give that true goodbye, because goodbyes are always the hardest. 

although i know there was that one christmas brian spent alone, i can’t imagine jae willingly putting up a physical fight with someone haha. 

meeting each other and catching up and everything in between works for the both of them. i love them in this work, and i hope you love them, too.

three; events

it goes without saying, doesn’t it? two childhood friends meet, spend half a day together, kiss and fall in love. cliche, i know. 

i’ve always been fond of soulmates! AUs. when i reread adam silvera’s work, i felt compelled to write a soulmates trope, but with a twist - death soulmates. clearly, it’s not a real term inculcated into my work - it’s just what jae and brian label it as. there are countless reflections in the work, wherein either or both of them think about what a miracle it is to coincidentally see each other on the day they die.

for such events to occur, you hafta make it realistic: brian gets into a fight with minjoon, in a city far from his own home, so it’s not considered ‘unrealistic’ of the both of them meeting in the same city where they both live in. it gives the sense of a coincidink to the audience, without making it too… faked? yeah.

minjoon and his gang (all made-up characters) are the cherry on the top. in adam silvera’s work, the two boys faced one of their ex’s current boyfriend and his gang. there were guns involved, but i like to keep things simple and legal (considering that this is, in fact, set in south korea.) so, on top of going to places they want to go before they die, they’ve got to square off minjoon and the gang.

as for the events, as for where they went, there’s nothing coherently ‘special’ about them, other than the sentiment behind visiting these places. i feel the plot was more of a long, drawn out build-up to the ending scenes, wherein they both knew that they loved each other and such. 

four; process

so how did i write this? this is the first time i skipped out a portion of the work to write the last few scenes first, then returning to the middle portion, and also the first time i had an alternative work.

starting it off, my first draft was a sketchy 7K-word baby before i took the first few paragraphs and rewrote it. i felt it was waayyy too forced (and way too much to handle and so i rewrote it. this baby is my second draft, and x1000 wayyyy angstier than the first child. to know more about her, scroll down to five)

as for the second (and final draft, the version that i posted) i’d finished until the coffeehouse scene when i went ice-skating with my family. of course, i’ve never gone ice-skating, and so i shuffled along the railing for three hours. during the only time i fell down, this dude helped me up (read: semi-cute dude with skating skills to die for). being me, i struggled to my feet - and slammed into the railing, skates sliding apart from each other. thus, i pulled off a nothing-less-of-gorgeous crashing stance while holding onto the railing for dear life. (which is why i never engaged in small talk with semi-cute dude. read: he skated off.)

i incorporated that into my work (except, brian doesn’t skate off after jae crashes into the railing), and i started off there, all the way until the last scene. 

and then i went back to the middle of the work and started writing. again. lol.

five; the alternate version

the first draft was… complicated. there were many different elements used in my first baby before i scrapped it. the first two scenes are exactly the same, word-for-word, but beyond that was completely and utterly different.

alternate version: jae and brian didn’t meet at the convenience store. they met at a bus stop, prior to brian’s fight with minjoon. they only went to the convenience store after a few more scenes, where they bumped into sungjin. in this version, brian and sungjin made up - they buried the hatchet between them.

also, jae’s parents did die too, in this first draft - but he wasn’t legally an adult in this version. instead, he had foster parents living on the outskirts of seoul. after meeting at the bus stop, him and brian took the bus to visit them so jae could leave their gift in the mailbox. 

also, if i had continued with the first draft, you’d be reading about sungjin realising that brian had cheated on him when they were still together! and then that’s the reason why minjoon hunts him down for a second fight. yeah. that was… unexpected. thank goodness i didn’t bulldoze through that; that would’ve been one hell of a world for me to handle, phew.

from this, you can see that my… ideas weren’t planned. i was literally going with the flow. this alternate version is even weirder than 5sos’ alternate version of she’s kinda hot, which is kinda saying something, isn’t it?

six; did they die, or did they die?

most of you would believe that they died. the last line clearly states “the last thing jae sees before his eyes is brian, brian, brian, before his world is consumed.”

but the thing is, i never said ‘and they died in the end.’ before his world is consumed. consumed by darkness? or purely just him shutting his eyes? maybe his heart stops, but beats again? maybe brian gets him out of there? truly, i’ve left the ending  ambiguous. in other words: whether they died or not on christmas day is unknown, and i’ve left it up for you to decide. 

this was one of the things i thought over the most. logically, they can’t escape from the fire, but then again, who knows? with something like Death-Cast in their alternate universe, perhaps there’s some otherworldly force? ;)

seven; quotes & inspiration

i couldn’t resist adding several quotes from they both die at the end! jae’s ment to brian, several lines in the works, some of which can be found here. if you recognise which i quoted, that means you reeaaally read thoroughly heh.

as for writing itself, there were times when i was stuck on words, which is alarming because i hardly ever get writer’s block (weeps aggressively). so i would like to thank errie, my fav internet moot, for always being there halfway across the globe to listen (read?) to my rants about the work, and for always encouraging me with her eagerness to read the work itself. and also, teenie has been a great inspiration, indirectly inspiring me every time i reread one of her works (senpai, if you ever see this, i love you). 

last note

i would like to end this by thanking everyone who has made me writing fanfiction (regularly!) an actual hobby i enjoy this year. when i first started off, i never expected to even get a handful of kudos on my first fic. admittedly, there are some works i’m not particularly satisfied of, and sometimes i wonder whether i thought of quantity over quality of the works.

everyone has their own writing style, as i do too. my kind of writing style is descriptive, long sentences. i think sometimes my long sentences are a tad too long and break away the impact of the words, which is something i feel i should work on. but writing fanfiction, truly, has improved my writing so, so much, and i’m immensely thankful for all of your comments and feedback on my writing. 

i have a couple of goals in 2019: to write a couple more jaehyungparkian ideas that i have out (pretty sure i needa start on this that i’ve been hinting since god knows when), to finish the parkbros au and to improve the impact of my writing style, and to broaden my genres of writing. throughout this year i’ve mainly been writing fluff, angst, humour. i plan on writing wayyy more action and thriller, because those genres need looooots of brushing up on (this one, i feel, was very amateur but a lot of y’all liked it hahaha so i don’t know). OH! and to plan out my works before i write them kekekeke.

in conclusion, thank you, thank you, thank you. i love you all so, so much. i will be back in 2019 with new and improved ideas to write