#rewatched this with my mum the other day (her first run through) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

15-dogs · 4 years ago

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hugger |n.s.|

pairing: newt scamander x reader

summary: you begin to develop feelings for newt, your employer, and accidentally do the one thing he hates: hugs (super super fluffy! pining, friends to lovers, takes place in between fbawtft and fb:tcog)

warnings: extremely minimal swearing, getting injured (nothing serious!), a niffler giving birth (?)

guide: (Y/N) = your name, italics = flashback

word count: 2.1K

a/n: this was supposed to be a blurb LMAO i rewatched fantastic beasts and unearthed my 8th grade crush on him which gave me this as a product! i hope you like it!!

“Denied again?” you asked Newt. He gave you a curt nod as he paced towards the Kelpie pool.

You frowned; he always seemed to get quieter after he returned from the Ministry. It had been his third attempt to regain his international passport and, of course, his third run in with his brother, Theseus. And you knew how complicated their relationship was. Newt never really talked about Theseus, except for the offhand comments he would make about him.

So far, all you had gathered about the mysterious Scamander was that he was tall, an Auror, and quite the hugger. You nearly burst out laughing when Newt had mentioned that last little fact about his brother as if it were reason enough to dislike him.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Scamander, but that just doesn’t seem like something to hate a person over.”

Newt exhaled in quiet laughter as he pet a Mooncalf, grabbing some treats from the bucket he held. He flashed a kind smile at the Mooncalf before turning off and dropping the bucket to the ground, staring you down from across his basement.

“You haven’t met Theseus, then.”

Newt refused to meet your eyes as he joined you in caring for the Leucrotta. You chewed your lip— perhaps you were making a mistake, talking to him so plainly. He was your employer, after all. You weren’t there to help him make nice with his older brother.

Yet, you continued to speak as if you were a personal acquaintance of his. “What I’m trying to say is you’re an incredibly kind, sweet person, Mr. Scamander.”

That got his attention. His head slowly raised to meet yours, and when he saw you were already looking at him, he looked away. But that did not deter you.

“You refer to yourself as these creatures’ mother!” you announced with playful exasperation. That got to him, a soft, harmonic chuckle escaping his lips. “You have such a big heart. I suppose I’m just a little shocked that hugging is the disqualifier.”

Newt’s smile faded as he processed your words. You saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, thick with emotion. He then shook his head as if it would drive the feelings away, pointing you off towards another creature in need of care.

“Well, what are you going to do?” you prodded, making your way beside him. “Try again?”

“Yes,” he stated with a nonchalant shrug, “that’s exactly what I plan on doing. And I’ll keep at it until I get that ban lifted.”

You snorted. “I can see why you were a Hufflepuff— dedication like no other, Mr. Scamander.”

Newt glanced up at you with a lopsided grin that had your stomach flipping for a moment. The tips of your ears began to heat up and you prayed to Merlin that your hair covered them.

You had known for a while that you had feelings for Newt. It started cultivating inside you with every adoring smile, every impassioned statement, every quiet appraisal. It had soon grown too big to go unnoticed and you knew you were in far too deep.

“Quiet now, quiet now,” Newt whispered to the little Bowtruckle, “mum’s here.”

You were padding down the steps from his apartment, reading the instructions on the back of a potion vile. He had advised you to get it from his medicine cabinet for your headache but you weren’t entirely sure that you picked up the right one.

“Mr. Scamander…” your voice trailed off at the sight of his maternal tendencies.

“I know, I know,” he cooed, “but change can be a good thing. On you hop.” He continued to pet the small and pouty thing before placing it into the makeshift nest he had created, where it was welcomed by the rest of its friends.

That small moment, seemingly insignificant, had caused you to completely fall for Newt. His soft, green eyes fell upon you with a gentle, questioning look at the potion you held. You nodded, answering his silent question without actually telling the truth because, if Newt could be as seemingly perfect as he was day in and day out, you could suffer with a headache for one day.

“Prepare the ointment, please.”

You raised the large container of ointment that you had mixed together in preparation for Newt’s return. “Don’t have to ask me twice, Mr. Scamander.”

He nodded his head towards a desk where you placed the container down.

Newt began to take off his trademark royal blue coat, flinging it onto a desk as he conversed with you about your work. “How has Molly been?”

You eyed the pregnant Niffler which was milling about in its cage. “Quite well, actually. She’s due any day now.”

“And the other Nifflers?”

“Niffler-y, as always,” you joked, earning a smile from the sandy haired man before you.

“Lovely.” Newt finally turned around, examining your state. “You’ll join me, won’t you? Kelpie’s are easier with two people.”

“Right, yes, of course.”

“Brilliant.”

You undid the buttons on your blouse with haste so that you stood in your pants and camisole, pulling your hair from your eyes as you prepared to hop into the pool. It wasn’t like it was the first time you’d done this, but each time had your nerves thrumming with anxieties that something would go wrong.

You spun around as you took a step towards the edge of the pool, standing shoulder to shoulder with Newt. He extended his hand without looking down, taking yours in his perfectly rough ones, your mouth instantly going dry. Newt looked over at you, so incredibly close that your noses nearly brushed against one another. He nodded and so did you, both hopping backwards into the pool.

Your camisole popped up from the sudden force and Newt quickly looked away as you tucked it back in to the best of your ability. As soon as you were done, you splashed some water his way, striking him in the chest. His eyes went wide with amusement as he did the same to you, hitting you square in the face.

A small wave knocked the two of you back under, the Kelpie swimming its way towards you. You and Newt managed to grab a hold of it, barely staying on as it bucked you two up and down.

After about the third time the Kelpie lept from the water, you cemented your grip. You let out a loud whoop as the cold air kissed your wet skin, Newt also cheering beside you. The Kelpie dove deep under the water, preparing to rocket you two up. As it breached the water, Newt sent you a disarming smile that had your hands subconsciously loosening. As the Kelpie snapped back under the water, you were thrown off, your body just narrowly missing the stone columns of the pool and splashing with a loud crack in the water.

“(Y/N)!” Newt cried out. His voice was drowned out by the water and by the fact that the pain from the fall had you slipping in and out of consciousness. It was the last thing you heard before you passed out, deep under the water.

You awoke to smell of a savory broth soup flooding in from the room over. You looked around the familiar space, soon realizing that you were sat on Newt’s couch, a blanket tucked firmly up to your chin. Your cheeks grew warm as you inhaled the scent that was distinctly him, scolding yourself for the childish crush you had developed.

You adjusted yourself, sitting up to see a tray of tinctures on the table beside you with a note that read, “Please take these when you wake! Newt.” You followed his orders, slugging them back with a wince at each unpleasant taste.

But then you heard a strange noise from the basement. It was a mix between a squeak and a whine, concerning enough to pull you from your cozy spot on Newt’s couch. You stood up and peered around the corner, hearing a soft, offkey hum ringing from the kitchen where Newt most likely was cooking his dinner. The sound of his voice warmed your heart and you almost, almost, got up to speak with him but you figured you had caused him enough trouble for the day. So instead, you headed into the basement by yourself.

You gripped the railings on the stairs with immense force, hoping not to fall over. Your body felt sore which you could only attribute to your accident earlier. You stopped at the bottom of the steps, peering around when you were met with a pained cry from the Niffler cage. You ran up to it to see Molly the pregnant Niffler whimpering in pain as another Niffler nudged at her stomach.

“Oh, Merlin,” you muttered, “you’re about to give birth, aren’t you, Molls?”

As if Molly could understand you, she let out a loud squeal.

“Oh, Merlin. Time to put that Hogwarts education to the test, I suppose,” you mumbled to yourself to give yourself the confidence you needed to deliver the little Niffler babies.

You snatched the pair of gloves from beside the cage and tugged them on tight, casting a spell so they’d perfectly fit your hands. You unlocked the cage to take Molly out, moving her into a small tray with bedding in it.

“Okay, Molls, you got this. Mum’s here.”

You rubbed her stomach in small circles, feeling the baby— no, babies— squirm around. One thing was for certain: you needed Newt.

“Mr. Scamander!” you called upstairs. No response. “Mr. Scamander, please!” Still no response. “Merlin’s beard, Newt! Get down here!”

No later did you hear heavy steps growing louder behind you. “(Y/N)! You’re awake! Are you okay-”

You didn’t have time for his rambling. You sent a panicked look over your shoulder, meeting his wide eyes. “Molly is giving birth. Triplets.”

“Merlin’s beard.” He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it in contemplation. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s a fighter, I’ll tell you that.”

“What can I do to help you?”

You whipped around. Apparently you’d be delivering the babies. You took in a sobering breath, steadying your shaking hands.

“Something shiny, some snacks, and a towel.”

Newt scrambled around the workspace as fast as he could, dropping the items in front of you. You laid out the towel and snacks beside Molly, massaging her stomach as you felt the babies start to move more than before. It was time. You pulled the shiny object out from behind your back, dangling it above Molly’s head as she delivered three adorable Niffler babies, so distracted by the object that she didn’t realize that she’d given birth. You escorted the babies onto the towel, allowing them to nibble on the snacks as you stripped the gloves off.

“Merlin,” you murmured to yourself in astonishment, “Merlin! I just…”

Newt’s smile was so big it nearly split his face. He nodded, sharing in your excitement. “You did,” he assured.

Completely forgetting about professionalism, you hopped onto him, engulfing him in a tight hug while you laughed melodically. Newt’s thin frame stiffened in your grasp. You gasped, jumping off of him with your hands up.

“I am so sorry, Mr. Scamander. No hugs, I forgot.”

Newt simply stared at you, searching your eyes. You gulped as he took a step closer to you.

“Theseus tends to believe that a hug is just as useful as an apology, so I don’t quite like hugs for that reason.”

“Oh.” You didn’t know what else to say.

The corner of Newt’s lips twitched upwards, looking around before meeting your gaze. He took another step forward before taking you in his arms. You began to wonder if he could feel your heart pounding in your chest, whether he assumed it was from adrenaline or knew that it was him that drove you mad.

“You should be proud of yourself!” He pulled away to look in your eyes, his arms slinking downwards to rest around your waist. “And, please, (Y/N), no more with the Mr. Scamander business. I’d like to think that we’re well acquainted enough for you to call me Newt.”

If professionalism was damned before, it was most certainly damned now.

Merlin, he was so close, you couldn’t help yourself. With your arms wrapped behind his neck, you pulled him into a long overdue kiss. Your heart thundered in your chest but you were too focused on the way his lips melted perfectly into yours, the way he kissed you back with such hunger and vigor that you had to hold onto him tighter, the way you began to smile as he attempted to figure out where to place his hands.

You pulled away a moment later, Newt following your lips with unpleasant surprise. All you could do was let out a soft chuckle as your cheeks turned pink.

A teasing grin grew on his lips that had your stomach flipping. “I’m positive now that we’re well acquainted enough for you to call me Newt.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

general taglist: @pandaxnienke @lunalovecroft

#newt scamander #newt scamander x you #newt scamander x y/n #newt scamander x reader #newt scamander fanfiction #newton artemis fido scamander #theseus scamander #magizoologist #magizoologist reader #harry potter #harry potter fanfiction #newt scamander imagine #newt scamander oneshot #tw injury #newt scamander fluff #fantastic beasts and where to find them #fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald

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talatomaz · 4 years ago

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defenceless | jj x fem!teen!reader

a/n: i’ve been rewatching criminal minds and i can’t believe it’s been a year since i last wrote for jj. and i have no idea where this came from.

(feedback/positive comments are appreciated)

warnings: major references to blood/being stabbed. mentions of assault

word count: 2.7k

masterlist | request list | request rules

r is jj’s 19 year old adopted daughter and gets victimised after stopping an unsub from assaulting someone

i do not give you permission to repost or translate my fics on any platform - likes/reblogs are okay and are much appreciated

“Morning, baby.”

You smiled when your Mum came up behind you and softly kissed your head.

“Morning, Mum. I made you some breakfast.”

You said, pouring coffee into the seasoned profiler’s ‘No.1 Mom’ mug that you’d gotten for her several years ago.

You’d gifted it to her on the first Mother’s Day you had with her after she adopted you. And she used it that morning and every morning since.

“God, what’d I do to deserve a daughter like you?”

JJ said proudly as she dug into her breakfast, happily munching on a piece of toast as she looked through her case file. Whatever dark, horrific crime she and her team were investigating simplified down to a few pages in that brown file.

“Busy day?” You asked, leaning against the kitchen counter, staring across at her.

“You have no idea. I’ve been up for a few hours trying to compile some notes on this case we’re working. Young, relatively low-risk, women are being raped in alleyways and there are no witnesses.”

She explained as she continued to eat whilst scribbling shorthand notes on a notepad.

“Any ideas on who you’re looking for yet?”

She hummed in answer. Swallowing her food, she replied, “Yeah, I think we have a preliminary profile that we want to release to the public later today.”

Pouring the rest of her coffee into a travel cup, she put her files in her bag and placed it on the counter you were resting against.

“You got class today?”

You were studying criminology, wanting to follow in your mother’s footsteps and become a profiler.

Nodding, you answered, “Yeah, then some of my friends and I are gonna head to the mall. And yes, I’ll message you constantly, so you know.”

You added when your mother opened her mouth to presumably ask that very question.

“Thanks, sweetie. Whoever our unsub is, he’s targeting women your age and considering he’s probably here right now, I need to know you’re safe.”

“I know, Mum. Now go, you don’t want to be late for work. Hotch only lets you be late once, you know.” You smirked.

“Yes, I know. Bye, y/n. I love you.” Your mother mirrored your expression and kissed your cheek.

“I love you too.” You replied, handing your Mum her keys and you watched her leave as the white door closed gently behind her.

***

“Maybe just call him out on it and see what he says?”

You suggested to your friend, Kerri, after she explained her boyfriend troubles to you and your other friend, Ally.

“I mean, the worst that could happen is-”

You stopped mid-sentence when you heard a muffled scream. Furrowing your brows, you walked closer to where the sound came from; an alleyway behind an old warehouse.

Remembering your mother’s earlier profile, you whispered to your friends, “Stay behind me.”

“Y/N, what is it?”

“Not sure.”

Inching around the corner, you saw two figures behind a dumpster. The smaller figure, who appeared to be a blonde female, was struggling against the male standing over her.

“Hey! Get away from her!”

Shouting, you ran up to the two and watched as the man’s head whipped around to face you before he darted off, jumping over a fence.

Approaching the woman, you saw she was half naked and had blood seeping from her nose.

“Oh god. Call 911, she’s been assaulted.” You said quickly to your friends who stood behind you, shocked at what they had just witnessed.

Hearing Kerri following your instructions, you took off the jacket you were wearing and wrapped it around the exposed girl.

“H-He tried to r-r-”

Unable to form the words, the girl started to sob at her ordeal.

“I know. It’s okay, honey. What’s your name?” You asked, speaking quietly to try to calm her as if she was a spooked animal.

“A-Annie.” She choked out as she tugged your jacket closer around her.

“Annie, you’re safe now. He can’t hurt you.”

The former began to sob harder and fell against your chest. Wrapping one arm around her, you used the other to take out your phone to call your Mum.

“Shh, it’s okay, Annie. You’re okay.” You said, soothing the distraught girl who was currently crying her heart out against you.

“Hey, y/n, what’s up?”

After quickly explaining what had just transpired, JJ told you and your friends to remain where you were since you were all witnesses and that she’d be there soon.

“You did good, babygirl.”

Morgan said, handing you a cup of coffee.

You were currently sitting at your mother’s desk at the BAU, having already given your statement to both local police and your Mum’s team at the crime scene. Emily and Spencer had driven your friends home whilst you came with your Mum to her work - she refused to leave you alone, even though you’d argued that it was still daylight and you’d be fine.

You didn’t reply, deciding to sip the hot drink, wincing when it burned your tongue.

“He’s right, y/n. Most people probably wouldn’t have heard anything.”

You glanced up at your Mum who stood above you, her hand resting on your shoulder.

“What will happen now? To the unsub, I mean. I interrupted him so he never managed to rape Annie.”

“He’ll probably try to hurt someone else.”

You turned to face Hotch as he approached you and the rest of his team.

“I just got off the phone with the hospital. They’ve discharged Annie into the care of her parents. She wanted me to tell you ‘thank you’.”

“I’m glad she’s okay. Physically anyways. So, you think he’ll get sloppy? Since he never got to...finish, he’s probably going to be antsy right? He might make a mistake?” You asked, hopeful that your Mum would catch him soon.

“More than likely. He’s definitely going to be angry, especially since we’ve just released the profile along with the sketch you helped us with, y/n.” Hotch answered, a gleam of pride in his eyes.

“Anything I could do to help,” you replied.

Standing up, you faced your Mum, “I think I’m going to go home. I’m kind of exhausted.”

“I’ll drive you h-”

“It’s okay,” you interrupted your Mum, “you’re busy here and you’ve got a lot of work to do. Besides, it’s only mid-afternoon so I’ll be fine. I-I just need some air.” You said, your voice faltering when you felt tears forming.

Clearing your throat, you held back your emotions and kissed your Mum on her cheek, “I’ll message you when I get home.”

“Okay, baby. I’m proud of you.”

The tall blonde hugged you close to her which you returned with as much ferocity, her hands stroking your hair as she cradled your head against her.

Bidding your goodbyes to the rest of the team, you left the federal building.

“JJ, you okay?” Morgan asked.

JJ had heard the emotion in your voice and though she was proud to have seen you comforting the most recent victim, it had hurt her heart to see what came after the ambulance drove away with an injured Annie in the back.

Once you’d given your statement and described the unsub to her and her team, she’d followed you to her old vacant office from her media liason days where you’d broken down.

She had watched you hold yourself together by a thread all throughout the questioning but had known that the adrenaline high would crash soon. And you quite literally did crash. In her arms, the moment she had closed the door behind her.

She had fought back her own tears as she gathered you into her arms, soothing you as you did earlier with Annie.

She’d tried as hard as she could to keep you away from her world.

She didn’t want you to be exposed to any more darkness than you’d already experienced when you were younger, before you’d met her.

“JJ?”

The blonde blinked, breaking away from her thoughts to stare back at the rest of the team.

“She did good, JJ.” Morgan repeated as JJ simply nodded, not knowing what to say.

***

Taking out your phone, you sent a message to your group chat with Kerri and Ally, wanting to make sure they were okay.

After receiving replies from the both of them confirming that they were fine and just a bit shaken up, you placed your phone back in your pocket.

Sighing, you continued walking down the relatively empty street; the majority of people either at work or school, unaware of what had happened just a few hours earlier.

You thought about Annie and later crying in your Mum’s arms. You didn’t even know why you did. Spencer probably would have given you some fact about adrenaline crashes but you shook your head, feeling self-conscious.

There was no need for you to break down like that.

All it achieved was your Mum being worried about you which was the last thing you wanted because it meant she’d be distracted from doing her job. Catching this asshole.

Hands in your pockets, you felt the bright sun shine down on your face.

Stopping for a brief moment, you glanced up at the sky, and allowed yourself to breathe.

As you were about to carry on walking, you felt a harsh grip on your arm pull you into an abandoned parking lot.

You thrashed against the strong hold, the self-defence skills your Mum taught you kicking in.

Stomping on the large figure’s foot, you smirked at the grunt of pain that fell from his lips. Then you elbowed them in their stomach and threw your head back into theirs. Hearing more shouts of pain, you started to run before you were roughly pushed against a brick wall.

Your breaths came out in heavy pants and your eyes widened as you stared into familiar eyes.

It was the unsub.

He held himself tight against you, pulling a switchblade from his pocket and into your view. Your eyes flickered from the sharp blade to his eyes. They were filled with fury as blood dripped from his nose - from when you’d head butted him.

“Good. So you recognise me.” His voice was hoarse, as if he’d swallowed a bunch of nails.

“What do you want?” You spat out, refusing to show any indication of fear to him.

“You ruined the other girl for me. But you seem like a challenge. I like that.”

Pressing the knife against your neck, he used his free hand to undo his belt.

You barely controlled the terror that threatened to rise through your body. Instead, you tried to focus on the pressure of his weapon, waiting for a slight reprieve where you could make your move to escape.

That moment came when he unzipped his trousers.

The pressure lightened for a few seconds which was all you needed.

Grabbing his wrist, you twisted the knife away from you and kneed him in the groin. Pushing him away, you stumbled, trying to escape.

But he was quick on his feet.

He swiftly picked up the knife that had fallen to the floor and thrust it into your stomach.

You groaned, the pain unlike anything you had ever experienced before. Your hand instinctively went to your stomach as blood started to coat your clothing.

You slumped down the wall as the unsub crouched down, sneering at you, “Bitch.”

Tapping the ground behind you, you felt a piece of broken glass in your fingers. Gripping it tightly, you gathered all your strength and plunged it into his neck.

He yelled out, his hand going to the glass that was still in his flesh.

Recognising what he was about to do, you clambered to your feet and watched as he pulled the shard, of what appeared to be from a broken beer bottle, out of his skin. Blood splatted all over the wall that you had been against, just moments before.

Blood continued to seep out from your wound.

You took off your jacket - the one you had previously wrapped around Annie - and pressed it against your skin. You groaned at the white hot pain that seared through your skin.

Knowing you were only down the street from the Quantico building, you took out your phone and called your Mum as you walked, as well as you could in your condition, back to the federal building.

“You home already?”

“M-Mum, c-come outside. I-I need you.” You choked out, trying to steady your breathing.

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

You could hear her shouting to the rest of her team before she continued to talk into the phone.

You made it to the entrance of the federal building but you were too overcome with exhaustion and you felt yourself drop to the floor.

You could hear shouts from the people around you as they watched blood pool around you.

“Oh my god. Y/N!”

You heard your Mum yell as she fell to your side, pressing her hands heavily against your wound.

You barely heard as Hotch called 911, stating his name and rank and urged for an ambulance to be sent immediately.

You struggled to keep your eyes open as you looked up at your Mum.

“Come on, baby. Stay awake for me.” JJ begged, tears carelessly running down her face.

“It hurts, Mum.”

“I know, baby. I know. But you’re strong. Stay with me. How’d this happen?”

JJ knew the only way to keep you awake was to continue talking so your brain could still remain active.

“H-He’s dead. He attacked me. I-In a car park. Down there.”

You weakly raised your hand and pointed towards the direction you had come from.

“Good girl. Just stay with me. You’re going to be okay. Y/N? Y/N!”

JJ screamed when she watched your eyes flutter closed as you lost consciousness.

***

“Woah, y/n. It’s just me.”

JJ said quickly when you jumped as she came up behind you to kiss your head.

It had been a few weeks since you’d been stabbed.

You’d woken up in a hospital, hooked up to all sorts of machines monitoring your heart rate. Your eyes had fallen on your mother who, once she saw you were awake, started to cry and hug you close to her. That then made you start crying and the two of you were just a pile of tears as you clung to each other.

After the tears had stopped and the doctors had checked up on you, JJ had told you that they’d found the unsub in a parking lot a few blocks from the BAU.

A couple of days after, you’d been discharged from the hospital. Your mother had stayed by your side up until this week when you had urged her to go back to work.

That had led you to now. She’d just arrived home from work and you hated that you were still on edge after your attack, despite your Mum telling you it was normal.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, honey.” JJ said softly as she came to sit beside you on the sofa.

You both sat in silence for a few moments before you spoke, your voice coming out in a whisper.

“I’m scared, Mum.”

You felt her eyes on you as she spoke, “Scared? He’s dead, y/n. He can’t hurt you.”

“I know, I just-In that moment when I fought him, I was so defenceless. And I’m scared of what will happen the next time I can’t defend myself.”

You continued, tears welling in your eyes as you stared ahead, unable to face your mother.

“Y/N,” JJ gently turned your face so she could look into your eyes.

“Am I defenceless?”

You blinked, having not expected that question. “What? No.”

“Exactly. I’m not. But I felt like it after I was kidnapped and tortured a few years ago. It’s normal to feel like that, y/n. But it’ll pass. I can promise you that.”

“It’s like I can feel him stabbing me over and over again.” You choked out, failing to force your tears back down.

“Oh, baby.”

JJ gently pulled you to her as she wrapped her arms around your body. She cradled your head against her chest as you clung to her arms, now sobbing.

“I got you, y/n. You’re safe. I got you.” She repeated, soothing you as you continued to cry.

Still hugging you against her, she kissed your head,

“As long as you have me, you’ll never be defenceless.”

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pynkhues · 3 years ago

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I got so excited seeing you post about Succession, I am absolutely obsessed with everything about that show from the writing, to the performances, to Kendall fucking Roy. Would love to hear any of your takes or analysis on the Roy siblings.

Oh my gosh, me too, anon. I'd been watching the eps a few at a time and when I got halfway through s2, I started watching them one at a time just because I didn't want it to end! It's been a crazy long time since I've done that, and it was such an invigorating feeling to enjoy a show that much to want to draw it out again. I finished s2 a few days ago and am halfway through a rewatch already, haha, and I am SO. HYPED. for s3.

It's so well written and like you said, the performances are top-notch (Jeremy Strong ridiculously deserved his Emmy last year, oh my god), and just the pay off with plotlines and character arcs is unreal, even if that pay off often hurts. I think it does such a great job of showing how filthy rich they are too, but making no part of their life aspirational? Which is a hard line to walk. They're all so miserable and traumatised and disconnected and lonely and they're destined to stay that way because they have no emotional tools to do or be otherwise. It hurts, but it's so frequently what they deserve too, and that gets so tangled up and twisted. I love it.

And man, the Roy kids!! Putting some broadstrokes analysis / opinions under the cut, because omg, I feel like I'll be talking for 1,200 years otherwise, haha.

Connor Roy

Legit obsessed tbh. When I was growing up, my mum was a huge Spin City fan, so she used to park me and my sister on the floor in front of it with toys while she watched, and as a result I think I have this really warm response to Alan Ruck, haha. He's fantastic in this, and lends the right amount of vulnerability to Connor.

I love that there's this push-pull with him as kind of an outsider, but also not? Like he's there at the table, to borrow the phrase from Tom, but there's very much this feeling that it's a courtesy or formality to Logan's previous family (and god, I'm dying to know more about his mum / Logan's first wife), but that doesn't stop this deep rooted need that Connor shares with his siblings for their father's validation.

I think a lot about what Connor says to Kendall in the s1 finale about how anyone can have a million dollars, but right now, with Logan's empire, they're somebody. It's this sort of tangled disconnect from reality (anyone can have a million dollars??) but also his desire to be seen broadly, but more specifically seen as Logan's son, that I feel really grounds Connor's arc, and I feel like he's just going to get louder and louder about it, especially with his presidential run getting closer.

Kendall Roy

Okay, okay, okay, I know that he's an absolute nightmare and a terrible human, but oh my goooooddddd, I love him as a character. I saw it in somebody's tags on a gifset, but I love this set-up where Logan keeps Kendall on the shortest leash, but it's a leash all of his siblings, despite themselves, want to be on. That's awful, but so indicative of the toxic way that Logan's raised his children.

There's also a great quote from Jeremy Strong somewhere, and I can't find it now, but to paraphrase, he said that the whole family is raised on this idea of strength and power, and Kendall's sort of a case study in strength not being his native language. It's so true, and I think Kendall's smart and resourceful and quick on his feet, but he's also so often desperately trying to wear a costume of who he thinks he should be.

I don't think he's weak (in fact, I think he's really resiliant), but he's definitely a fragile character and an addict, who nakedly needs nurturing that no one is willing to give him, least of all his mother (which, god, that scene when he tries to talk to her in the UK destroyed me) so instead he pretends to mould himself into the perceived image of his father and fails every time.

It's brutal to watch, especially when you see other characters know that and use it to manipulate him. Hell, his own father pretends to nurture and protect him (and I think kind of genuinely does too? But it's so warped?) the whole of s2, and it brings Kendall closer than ever before. It's painful, and affecting, and it's just this manifestation of trauma in a hopeless, cringe-inducing package, haha.

Roman Roy

Another nightmare baby I tragically love, hahaha. I actually think Roman's had one of the most interesting arcs on the show and one of the few that seems to be positive? Like his tendency to not take anything seriously so that he never truly fails was pretty fun in the first season, but to see that evolve into someone who's green but has great gut instincts, and is good when he lets himself be and when he lets himself try, is really invigorating narratively, especially as the other characters all slip further down morally and/or stagnate.

I'm loving the way that it's sort of cannibalising itself though too with him and Geri's relationship suddenly, um, pivoting, hahaha, and especially the way she's honed in on him getting off on being demeaned. There's something really fun about the one character clawing his way up masturbating to being told exactly how low he is.

Plus Kieran Culkin is a gem.

Shiv Roy

Sarah!! Snook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've had a huge crush on her since Not Suitable for Children so was already totally delighted to see her in this, but oh my god, she's so good, and Shiv is so awful in so many wonderful ways. I love that she's kind of like Kendall in the way she pendulums between extreme competence and the most mortifying self-sabotage, and the way she's a very specific sort of insecure. Logan never asked her, y'know? Not really, and the way she knows she's his favourite, but knows that being his favourite without the validation of succession doesn't mean anything.

In a lot of ways, she encapsulates the show's themes and Logan's abuse in the best way, because she has what her brothers want. Her father loves her more openly than he does any of them, but that love isn't enough, because Logan's made sure it never will be. It's not a true love after all, because Logan loves them, but he loves none of them more than himself and his legacy, and being given the latter is what they've all been convinced will make them happy when it never will.

Nothing will.

It's just so good and so painful, and I'm in love with it all.

#i hope this makes an ounce of sense anon #i am still extremely in my feelings haha #hbo succession #connor roy #kendall roy #roman roy #shiv roy #welcome to my ama

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doyelikehaggis · 3 years ago

Note

it’s time for the dreaded s6 finale emotions

*strong regret in projecting onto ryan as much as i do because this episode h u r t s*

tyler being the one to invite ryan along?? g a e

“can’t send a man to his doom without getting drunk first” he’s trying so hard to fit in. poor bastard. and not calling the others out for excluding him? you can just tell he’s trying so hard not to ruin it for everyone, and nobody even gives a shit. and then of course he eventually snaps, he’s just spent over an hour having to watch everyone have a great time and forget about him, and then alex suddenly expects him to have bought mike a gift, and they fucking tell him to stop being so selfish and god those fucking assholes

god the conversation where may-li tells charlie about her grandad. it’s so beautifully acted, emily burnett sells the denial perfectly, it just,, ow

this episode is hard to watch when you have really strong empathy and project onto both ryan and charlie. h e l p

wow charlie really just delivered a baby in a car in the middle of the woods huh. i keep forgetting how absolutely badass that is

you know what absolutely kills me is the vague suicide subtext to ryan running away. take that goddamn phone conversation out of context and that’s what it is and that’s the worst part of all of this. and chloe saying that he’s left a note and that “i think he’s really gone for good”. o u c h

the fact that NOBODY EVEN NOTICES RYAN’S GONE EXCEPT MIKE AND CHLOE. even tyler doesn’t fucking notice. and then everyone cares more that mike’s gone to find him than that ryan even left in the first place. but we’re not meant to think about that because tracy’s here and everything’s absolutely fine right. this episode is murdering me can you tell

lily complaining about men on that facebook post. bit fruity of her, i must say *‘a day in the past’ flashbacks*

i havent watched my mum tracy beaker yet but i really need answers on how it fits timeline-wise into the tsotb/tbr/tdg canon

the fact that chloe isn’t even wrong when she says everyone would hate ryan even more if they found out mike isn’t there ‘because of him’ (read: because he quite literally had a breakdown and ran away and mike, being the only decent person in this goddamn show, went after him)

ah yes tracy, care worker of the year, really just said ‘your problems don’t fucking matter, forget that anything’s wrong because mike is getting married’. i love tracy but wow that is not the thing you say in this circumstance and the only reason it worked was because he felt bad about the cake and whatnot

this episode has such an all over the place tone. they really just went from mike freaking out to fiona figuring out he’s gone to a damn slo-mo shot of tracy and mike on a bike while ryan sprints behind them.

oh my god i forgot bailey was in this episode!! i hate him (affectionate)

this goddamn episode is so full of emotions i almost threw up oops. anyway it absolutely kills me that ryan looks like he’s about to cry pretty much the entire time. that poor kid. and then chloe really just pulls a tee and apparently loses all empathy towards him huh. love chloe but wow

i don’t think we get a chance to read what ryan wrote in that note? but i kinda wish we did. could’ve given some extra insight into everything

i have no idea if any of this is coherent, or how much of it is an actual analysis and how much is me projecting but oh well, this episode(s) is a fucking emotional trainwreck, what can you do

Oh god. I'm not prepared.

*valid regret to have, that sad queer kid with anger issues and insecurities experience hurts real bad*

Yes!! Once again proving that Tyler is the only one in the DG who actually cared about Ryan and wanted to be around him. He was pissed at Alex for not inviting Ryan like he was initally supposed to, and then took it upon himself to make Ryan feel included anyway.

That scene really pisses me off, because Alex really is going after him. You can tell, he won't let Ryan make a single joke without trying to be snarky about it, and then he purposefully tries to humiliate Ryan because he knows that Ryan couldn't possibly have known to bring a gift.

Oh yeah, I can barely ever rewatch the first part of the wedding for all of these reasons, but especially for Charlie finding out about her grandad. Emily really is way too good of an actor, that's why it's so painful.

I relate way too much to the strong empathy and projection, that shit hurts so bad.

Yeah!! Charlie did that!! Honestly, credit to her because I would not have been as calm as she was on a normal day if I had to deliver a baby in a car in the middle of nowhere, never mind after everything she had been through that day.

Okay, so you found a way to make Ryan's whole storyline of those episodes hurt way more than it already did. Thanks for that. But you are right, it does have that vague subtext to it. If this wasn't a children's show, I would've actually been worried that's where they were going to go with his storyline.

It does suck that nobody really noticed or cared that Ryan wasn't there. I wish even Tyler had shown a bit more concern, but I suppose they've only got enough time in an episode for so much.

That was definitely one of Lily's fruitiest moments, and that's saying a lot because of the aforementioned "a day in the past" flashbacks. Honestly, all of her scenes with Carmen and some with Tee are always fruity, there's nothing else to it.

Okay, so, I can kind of answer that one. My Mum Tracy Beaker definitely carries on from The Story of Tracy Beaker since it involves clips of it when Tracy sees Justine. However, it's only really connected to tbr/tdg canon through vague hints. Like, Tracy has a published book called "Who Cares?" and there's a mention of her being an ex careworker, and she wears a "T" necklace but it's slightly different from the one that she wears in the wedding episode. So, we know there are subtle references to TBR through these background details that are really just glossed over. There is a weird little moment when Tracy's daughter tells Justine that Tracy wrote a book, but Justine should already know that considering it was a big part of their reunion in Tracy Beaker Returns. At best, we can at least assume that everything that happened in TBR is canon for My Mum Tracy Beaker. I feel like, if we want to be able to make the timeline for the wedding add up with My Mum Tracy Beaker, we'd have to assume that Tracy hadn't already had Jess during the wedding. Since the wedding takes place around 2018, and Jess is 10, My Mum Tracy Beaker would have to be set in 2028 at the very least, and that would have to mean that Tracy had Jess the same year as the wedding. Either that, or she did already have Jess but just... never mentioned her because she was staying with Cam.

It really does kill me that Chloe was right about that, because you'd think at least some of them would have some sort of sympathy for Ryan. I wish Tyler did. Honestly, he had a genuine breakdown and ran away, and no one cared except Mike. Great family they are.

Yeah, that was not Tracy's best moment, but... that's just Tracy. She doesn't think, she acts on what she believes to be the best solution in that very moment. She was never exactly an aware winning care worker in all fairness skjdashd but Ryan definitely needed to hear something other than that.

I could barely be sad or stress during that episode specifically because of how chaotic it was, and ESPECIALLY because of that slow-mo that had no right being so damn hilarious.

SHFKDASJDLK "I hate him (affectionate)" well at least I'm glad the (affectionate) is there lmao. But I was screaming when I realized Baily (and Liam) were there, I was so happy!!

Oh yeah, Ryan looked so upset, he was absolutely blaming himself so badly. There was no need for Chloe to come in there "wish you'd run away for real" like fuck off. I love her. But fuck off.

I don't recall actually seeing the contents of the note now that you mention it.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm not sure most of my reply to it is coherent either. But those are episodes are some of the most fun to analyse because Drama and Angst.

#ds-umbrella-manufacturing-co #ask away earthlings!#tdg #the dumping ground #long post #ryan reeves #tyler x ryan #alex walker #charlie morris #lily kettle #my mum tracy beaker #tracy beaker returns #tracy beaker #bailey wharton

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brilliantt · 4 years ago

Text

Gangster in Distress

Summary: Tommy was only interested in Y/N to seal a deal with her father. He thought she was a spoilt, rich girl... until a mishap with some thieves makes Tommy reconsider.

A/N: I just rewatched the movie Ever After with Drew Barrymore and let’s just say it heavily inspired this fic....

It was often that Tommy would sacrifice his own family to ensure a deal or stop a war. A key example being when he convinced John to marry Esme, preventing a battle with the Lee family. Tommy was rather good at pushing his family to the forefront of his problems. Now though? Now it was Tommy’s turn.

Tommy desired to extend his gin business through London and beyond. The only issue being a Mr Walter Brown. Mr Brown ran an immensely successful distillery in the heart of London and Tommy knew striking a deal with him was his only route to a new found fortune. He had met with the man once at his home, the house exceeding even Tommy’s manor. They had spent a long time coming to a suitable deal. The man had no need for money nor protection, although Tommy tried to persuade him. It was a lost cause; the man’s fine suit and multiple men lingering by the door could have told him that. There was nothing the Peaky Blinders could offer him that he didn't already have, Tommy still persisted.

The meeting had lasted three hours before Tommy watched the man stand up and glance out the window behind him, the view obscured from Tommy. Mr Brown rubbed his white moustache and sighed, resting his gaze back on Tommy. He explained to him that he had a daughter who he wished to see married, and to a financially secure man. Of course Arthur and John were out of the question and Finn was too young for the woman. This left Tommy to take the bullet. It certainly felt like a bullet when the daughter had slammed the door, storming out of her father’s study just after she was told the news. Perhaps it would be for the best, he would have some company and Charlie a mother figure. Not forgetting their union would make Tommy very rich.

The deal was settled and they would be married the next month, giving Y/N and Tommy some time to get to know each other. He made frequent trips to London to become acquainted with his bride-to-be, the two of them left alone in one of the parlour rooms. The first few times she had sat like a petulant child, ignoring his attempt at conversation, and not being afraid to tell him what she thought of the arrangement. Her expensive gowns and shiny jewellery reminding him of the two different worlds they came from. It was on the fourth visit when he became impatient and decided to move their relationship forward and to try and seduce her. His hands on her waist and wandering lips warranted a red cheek and a view of Y/N’s back as she huffed out of the room.

The next time he came, he made sure to bring Charlie. She would have to meet him eventually and he could only hope she wouldn’t bring up his actions with a child in the same room. It was fair to say she much preferred the boy’s company, immediately grinning Charlie and bringing out a story book to share with him. It was this moment where Tommy couldn’t completely resent the arrangement. Charlie liking her was more important than him liking her. And after Y/N had taken him to the stables to meet her horses, Charlie would barely release the woman. It was there where Tommy had attempted to apologise for his behaviour the previous visit (not really because he was sorry, but more to remain on good terms with her father). It was also here that when Y/N had distracted Charlie with her most beautiful mare, told Tommy if he tried anything again she wasn’t afraid to use the hunting gun and shoot it at his unmentionables.

---

The wedding hadn’t been anything special to Tommy. He had already had his dream wedding with Grace and Y/N had refused to have a big attendance, although this didn't stop her from wearing a very extravagant dress. The ceremony was limited to only Y/N’s father, Charlie and Aunt Polly. Polly had returned to Birmingham the same afternoon, after their lunch, with Charlie. Mr Brown had retired to his room which left the newly weds alone. Except their anticipated wedding night consisted of Y/N leading Tommy to a guest room and shutting herself into her bedroom.

Tommy spent the next few days, finalising some business and plans with his new father-in-law, while Y/N was busy packing her bags to move into Tommy’s manor with him and Charlie.

The rain was heavy on the day they were to drive back. Despite still being angry at her father, she gave him a tight hug before rushing into the vehicle, out of the rain. It was a long car journey back to Birmingham and Y/N had taken to sulking with her arms crossed, staring out of the window for the first hour.

Tommy sighed and pursed his lips, “We should at least try to be civil, you know.” By the look on Y/N’s face, he knew his words would cause them to argue. He didn't care though, arguing would be better than sitting in silence for the rest of the trip. He also couldn’t take another minute of watching the woman fidget in her seat, he knew she was itching to speak.

Y/N kept her gaze out of the window, “You and my father dealt me off like i’m a fucking horse. I don’t have to be nice to you.”

Tommy clenched his jaw, feeling desperate for a cigarette. ”Your father wanted what was best for you.” He heard Y/N let out an amused huff.

“Oh and you’re my knight in shining armour? Lucky me.” Tommy turned to look at her before focusing back on the road. He chose not to say anything, “I don't even see why I had to marry in the first place. I was fine staying with my father.’”

This time Tommy felt amused, “Hmm and doing what exactly? Perching on your little pedestal and looking pretty?" He hid his smirk when Y/N turned to look at him with an annoyed expression. He quite liked riling her up.

“I’m not just some spoiled little girl, so stop treating me like one.” She crossed her arms again and huffed.

“If you didn’t act like one, perhaps I wouldn’t treat you like one.” Tommy retorted.

"Your perception of women is abhorrent. Just because I'm pretty and like to dress nicely, does not mean you can belittle me. And if you continue to do so, we are going to have problems." Tommy raised his eyebrows. "Besides, you ought to tread carefully, you are looking at the future owner of the Brown distillery. My father may have made a deal with you that doesn't mean i can't change it when i'm in charge."

Tommy felt a smile growing on his face, "You would deny your own husband?" It widened when all Y/N did was smirk at him. The silence grew again before Tommy asked, "You think you can handle running the business?"

Y/N smoothed down her hair that had gone fluffy from the rain, "You may think i just sit around, but I am very much involved in the distillery. I'm more than capable of running the business."

Tommy quickly glanced at her again, finding a sense of respect he didn't expect to feel.

When Tommy didn’t reply, Y/N scrunched her nose up, "I do hope you're not a husband who will deny me of such a job.” Tommy rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Good, because I wouldn't have listened anyway."

"And what shouldn't a husband deny you of?" Tommy questioned in a teasing tone.

"Hmm,” Y/N grinned. “A good husband should let me do exactly as I please. He will let me work, go to the market, run through the garden without shoes, gallop through the field on a horse, or do absolutely nothing all day."

"And, what about a good wife?"

Y/N stroked her chin in thought and looked at Tommy "Well, I guess that's for you to decide."

Tommy didn’t answer her. "You like horses?" He said a few moments later.

"Love.” Y/N smiled and looked out the window dreamily, the rain still hitting the window. “I grew up with my grandparents in the countryside, they were from my mum's side, who, well, were not rich like my dad’s. We spent all our time on the farm and from the moment I first laid my eyes on the beautiful horses, that was it."

Tommy smirked, "So the city girl is actually a farm girl?" Y/N’s response was a roll of the eyes. "The horses you showed Charlie were incredible." His words seemed to divert Y/N back into her bratty state, she crossed her arms again and glared at the man, raising an eyebrow at him. "And I had to leave them behind."

Before Tommy could respond, the car jolted. He lost control for a moment before managing to stop the car. Trees surrounded the pair and Tommy recognised the road built through the forest. He wasted no time to jump out and check each wheel, finding the problem on Y/N’s side, a small hole visible. Y/N rolled down the window, "What happened?”

"The tyres burst, I must have hit a stone or something." He stood back up wiping down his suit. "Come on." He opened the door to her side and gestured for her to get out.

"What?"

"The house isn't far from here, we can go by foot." Y/N looked at him in shock.

"It's raining and muddy!" She made a motion to her dress, to which Tommy rolled his eyes. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out, dragging her to the boot of the car. He pulled out one of the smaller luggage bags and pushed it in her arms before looking at her pointedly, "You said you grew up on a farm."

"Past tense, Thomas!" She huffed and re-positioned the bag, watching Tommy grab the two larger ones. He led them around the car and they walked barely a metre before a man with shoulder length grey hair came out of the trees pointing a gun at the two. "Don't be leaving so quick now." He let out a whistle and more men came from the trees, all with guns. Y/N gulped and raised her hands in the air, subsequently dropping her bag, the contents spilling over the floor. She heard Tommy curse and watched him put the luggage down more carefully than her.

"Y/N go back in the car." Not having to be told twice she rushed back to the passenger side. Feeling nervous when the men advanced on Tommy, a fist fight, four on one beginning.

Before she could open the door, one of the men had grabbed her, making her yelp and shove him to the ground. She tried to hit the next man who made a grab for her but he caught her arm and held it behind her back. It took three men to stop her struggling, pulling her to where their leader stood. They held her there, Tommy a few metres opposite her being held in a similar position, a cut on his forehead and a bruised eye. The two watched as the thieves began rifling through Tommy’s car and her luggage on the floor.

One of them held up a rather beautiful, expensive looking dress adorned in jewels. “Excuse me!” Y/N spat, missing Tommy closing his eyes in annoyance. ”That was my mother’s dress, you give that back!” She felt the men tighten their hold on her. The leader smirked and stalked over to her. He lifted one of his ring covered hands and caressed her cheek. "Feisty little thing.” He whispered.

Tommy began struggling, "Let her go.” He demanded, voice strong but eyes tired. “Your fight is against me not her." Y/N could only then see that the two men knew each other. The man removed his hand and walked closer to Tommy. He relented and told the men to release her.

Y/N pushed her way out of their arms, shivering from the rain and annoyed at the mud tracing up her skirts. She raised her chin to the leader, "I demand that you give me back all of my things. And since you shot through one of the tyres and have my driver captured, a horse for the journey back." All of the men’s eyes widened at her order. The leader titled his head, and grinned sarcastically.

“Princess,” He spread his arms out in front of him, ”You may have anything you can carry." His men chuckled around them. Y/N raised her eyebrows, a devious look in her eyes as she glanced at Tommy, who was staring at her in disbelief.

“Do I have your word on that, Sir? She asked.

The man bowed his head, “On my honour as a Gypsy.”

Y/N nodded once. She walked past the Gypsy, staring at him as she passed. Walking straight over her clothes on the floor, Y/N made her way to Tommy, the men who were holding him backing away. She lifted his arm up and bent down, huffing as she lifted her husband across her back. The Gypsy man opened his mouth in shock, watching as Y/N gave him a sarcastic smile and a slight curtsy before making her way down the road, holding Tommy on her back.

A ruckus of laughter erupted from the group of men at the sight. Even the leader couldn't help but laugh loudly at the daring girl. "Come back!” He paused, chuckling, “You may have a horse."

Y/N sat in front of Tommy on the horse as they rode to the manor. He knew that this reckless but incredibly clever woman would cause him a great deal of trouble, he just couldn’t bring himself to resent it anymore.

I can just imagine Y/N telling John this story and Tommy having to kick him out because of all the teasing...

#tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby x reader #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinders x reader #tommy shelby #tommy shelby one shot #peaky blinders one shot

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murderousginger · 4 years ago

Text

Written In The Streets

Peaky Blinders fic

Cops & Robbers Part 4

Warnings: Sex. Murder. Fluff. Angst. They're criminals guys, they do bad things.

Words: 3.8k

--Note: Happy Tuesday! I had a 3 day weekend and got excited during a rewatch of Peaky Blinders season 1. This is a little spicier and violent, but it very much is in the realm of the show. Enjoy!--

Tagging: @imagine-that-100 @blinder-secrets @rae-you-gotta-be-kidding-me @theshelbyclan @peakascum @sweatydragoncloudknight

It was midday and you were busy about the house when a knock came upon your door. You paused, listening hard before you moved toward it. You hadn't been expecting anyone. You paused at the door, staring hard at it before you finally unlocked it and opened it a crack.

"Come with me," Tommy said as he grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the sliver in your doorway.

"Tommy," you shrieked and fought back but his grip on your wrist was too strong. "at least let me lock the door."

He looked back at you and loosened his grip wordlessly. You turned and grabbed your purse from the hallway and locked the door, turning back to Tommy. He grabbed your hand again, this time with less strength, and led you to his car.

The ride was quiet and thoughts raced through your head. You stole a glance at Tommy, white knuckled and eyes locked on the road ahead of him. You had no way of knowing where he was taking you and you grew more worried the longer it was quiet. You itched to relieve the tension, but you feared it at the same time.

Tommy stopped the car at the side of a bridge over The Cut and got out of the car, rounding it to open your door. He held his hand out for you and you took it without hesitation, stepping out of the car and following him down a set of stairs to the canal. He stopped you a few steps from the bottom and sat you down, looking off at the water, his hand still holding yours. You watched him closely as he nodded out to the canal.

"This," Tommy said as he looked over the water, "is where I come to think sometimes. When it's quiet. When my mind won't be."

You sat quiet, watching his blue eyes scan the horizon. You looked out into the canal, surveying the waterway and the bend up ahead with fresh eyes to try to see what he saw.

"And this," Tommy rumbled, "here, here is how I found you and John."

Your head snapped up to look at him, Tommy's gaze squinting over the water. You ripped your hand from his as if he burnt you. He pointed to the bank a few hundred feet down and nodded.

"You came running into the water there," he said evenly. "Harping at John to turn his back as you threw off your dress."

Your cheeks burned in embarrassment. Your head dipped when Tommy finally turned his attention to you.

"Nothing to see in the 2 a.m. black," he said softly before returning his attention to the riverbank and the story. "John turned, I'm guessing. Perhaps not. Your clothes went off, and that's when I realized you were the one occupying our John's nights."

"Our John," you repeated with mirth. "Your John. Esme's John. Not mine."

"He's as much yours as ours," he said. "There's few things he'd choose above you. More he'd fight."

"But he would choose above me," you said.

"Can't have that, can you?" Tommy teased dryly. "Our (Y/N)'s greedy."

"Business before me," you said stiffly. "Blood before me. Not a woman."

"Not a woman," Tommy said. "And when the business keeps the man from your bed? And coppers or Italians pull you from your door because they think they can leverage you from who you're fucking?"

"That life I know," you said softly. "As long as he's honest."

"If you want to work in my organization, you have to make sacrifices," he said.

"All I've made is sacrifices," you retorted with a snort. "Who wants to date a Blinders girl, Tommy? There's always been rumors I'm either carrying a dick or being passed around by you lot. Any men that weren't deterred by that were sure as hell scared of you boys."

"Well," he said with an amused look, "could always have left Polly's rule for search for a husband, if that's what you're after."

"I'm not after a husband, Tommy," you shot back. "My mother detests me I have no close kin, no husband, no love. Blinders are my life."

Tommy reached for your hand again and slowly brushed his thumb along your knuckle.

"You're family, (Y/N)," Tommy said quietly.

"I'm not Shelby," you said. "You may be my boys but I don't belong."

"You'll always belong with us," Tommy said. "It's all about where you want to be."

"And where is it you want me to be, Tommy?" You asked softly.

Tommy let go of your hand with a pat and looked back out to the canal. All moments of softness hidden behind an air of business.

"I want to see what you're made of," he said. "I've paired you with John. Tomorrow you'll go with him to The Yard. Got a man named Wilks that works for us. Word is he's got loose lips on the whiskey. Find out who he told what to."

"You trust me with John?" You said with a raised brow.

"I trust that what's done might be done again," he said evenly. "But I trust he'll watch out for you more than anyone but me."

"Tommy--" you started.

"Go see him in the morning and do the job," Tommy cut you off. "To prove yourself."

"I've already proven myself," you argued. "Years ago."

"You proved yourself to Pol, not me," Tommy said cooly. "Pol's not running things anymore. And if you want to keep your place you'll need to keep up."

"Fine, Tommy," you said with a sigh as you turned back to the canal. "I'll show you my worth."

"I've no doubt you will," he said as he looked over the water.

----

The next morning you got ready in the twilight. You decided on a simple dress and boots and stuffed your pockets with a small knife each. You cursed yourself that you never got around to a gun, but you had never found a good way to conceal one and your shot needed work.

When you were done, you slipped out of your apartment and headed toward John's home. You moved quickly through the streets as the sun rose and the birds started to sing their morning songs. After a few blocks, you looked up to John's house and took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

A young girl opened the door and looked up at you expectantly. You nervously smiled.

"'lo," you said, rubbing your sweaty hands along the front of your dress, "is John -- erhm your dad home?"

The girl eyed you shortly before opening the door the rest of the way and walking back to a seat next to a baby in a chair. Nothing was said as she went back to feeding the baby.

"John," you called, hesitating in the doorway before you walked in. "Where are you?"

Kids were all over the kitchen. One of the girls was perched on a stool cooking on the stove, two boys were wrestling on the floor yelling, and of course the baby being fed by the girl that let you in. None of them paid you much mind as you walked through the kitchen and into the other room. You saw a closed door, guessing it was a bedroom.

"John" you yelled and kicked the door with your boot. It gave way much easier than you expected and swung open to reveal the sight before you.

Esme was on top of John, riding him like a prized racehorse. She barely stopped her rhythm as she wrapped the sheet around her more to hide her chest. John lay back grinning with his hands disappeared into the sheet. He laughed as she saw you in the doorway.

"Tommy finally get tired of interrupting us hisself?" Esme said in between breaths.

Your eyes widened as you realized what you were witnessing.

"Oh god--" you exclaimed and turned back around, walking back into the kitchen.

You sat down on the other side of the table from the kids and waited, mouth shut as you tried to look anywhere but the doorway you came from.

A sharp yell of passion erupted from the other room and you bit your lip nervously as you watched the girl at the stove.

"You staying for breakfast?" The girl said, eyeing you as she stirred. You smiled nervously.

"No thank you," you said quietly. "I'm just here to see your father."

Esme appeared in the doorway, still flushed but dressed in a navy flowy dress and shawl, and looked at you with an amused quirk of her lips.

"Here to see John, eh?" She said over the scuffle on the floor as she wrapped the shawl around her shoulders tighter and sat next to the girl feeding the baby.

"Boys, go wrestle elsewhere," Esme said sharply.

They both sounded a "yes mum" as they got off the floor and pushed and shoved each other into the other room.

"Yes," you said as the kitchen quieted. "Tommy sent me. I'm (Y/N). I'm s'pose to go with John to handle business at the dock."

"(Y/N)," Esme said as she looked at you. "His little friend from childhood? I've heard of you. Prettier than I expected, running with Shelby boys for so long."

You blushed and ducked your head with a murmur of thanks.

"You're not one I should worry about, are you?" She said, leaning back in her chair and placing a hand on the table in front of her.

"No," you said with a laugh. "I'm not anyone's second priority. And you and the children are rightfully first."

"Good," Esme said with a small smile. "I think I like you. It'd be a shame to kill you."

"Knives or guns your specialty?" You asked with a grin. "You should have seen this man the other night when I threatened to cut off his balls."

You both laughed, equally relaxing in your seats.

"Is that my favorite girls getting along?" John said as he entered the kitchen while putting on his belt.

John grinned at you as he put his arm around Esme, placing a kiss on her head.

"Mornings are best when started with sex or breakfast," he laughed as he kissed Esme on the lips before turning to you. "When it's both it's better."

He nabbed a biscuit off the table and bit into it and winked at you.

"Shame you've been keeping us apart, John," you said with a look. "Esme and I could have been giving you a run for ages."

"Likely drive me mad," he said with a laugh. "Both of you on whiskey together would be more trouble than it's worth."

"Promise?" Esme said grinning. "We must have a night then, (Y/N)."

You nodded as John rolled his eyes.

"Right, then," he said, ruffling his daughter's hair and giving Esme another kiss. "Let's be off before you can make more trouble in my kitchen."

You scoffed with a laugh as he shooed you to stand and pushed you out the door.

"Nice to meet you!" You called behind you.

"You can't hide her anymore, John," Esme yelled as you both left.

John guided you down to the car and opened the door for you. You smacked him as you climbed in.

"What was that for?" He exclaimed and pushed your shoulder before he closed your door and made his way into the driver's seat.

"I like her," you said. "And you're a dick."

John chuckled and drove to the dock.

----

John drove to The Yard and parked. You both got out of the car and made your way through the streets looking for the man named Wilks.

"John boy!" A voice boomed. You both looked over to see a gruff older man with a big smile headed your way with open arms.

"Uncle Charlie," John called back as he hugged the man.

"I see you've got angel with you," Charlie said with a grin.

You grinned back as Charlie let go of John to hug you.

"Charlie," you said, "still up to no good?"

You both chuckled and John looked on at you quizzically. Charlie's arm hung around your shoulders as he faced John.

"Angel?" John asked. "You two know each other?"

"Your aunt Pol used to send this one down with orders," Charlie said, squeezing you in a side hug. "She refused to tell me her name for ages. Shy thing, she was. I told her angels had no names. So we all called her angel at the docks. Sweet thing she is, too sweet to run with you boys."

John's brows raised in shock.

"Well aren't you full of surprises," he said as he grabbed a pick from his pocket and rolled it in his mouth. "You've got all kinds of names and secrets, it sounds like."

"And you're shortly learning them all," you grimaced. You turned your attention to Charlie. "We're looking for a man named Wilks, seen him?"

"Aye," Charlie said, watching you both closely before pointing. "He's down there by the dock."

"Right," John said. "We'll need to talk to him alone. Send the rest on break."

Charlie nodded and you all walked down, Charlie quietly sending the others away as he discreetly nodded to a pudgy man near the edge of the water. You both cornered the man, his eyes widened as he backed up and his heel teetered on the edge of the dock. You raised your hands to halt him.

"We're only here to talk," you reassured with a smile. "Heard you might have gotten a little drunk at a pub. Told someone something you shouldn't."

"I didn't mean to," he said looking between you and John's stone faced expression. "Was just a drink or two and then he asked me a question I found odd."

"Who?" You asked in a soothing voice, hands still up as you stepped forward. "Did you know the man?"

John watched you with sharp eyes as you got closer to Wilks as if walking to a scared horse. He chewed on his pick, letting you do the talking.

"I didn't know them," he said, scared. "Just a man asking what it was like to work at docks. If we had any openings. If we moved anything odd. Anything to note."

"And what did you tell them?" John said, taking a step forward but still a good length behind you. You were nearly next to the man as his eyes darted between you both and behind him as he looked for an exit.

"I told him we move the normal stuff," he said gruffly, "and sometimes we move what Shelby's ask. He perked up at the name. Said it must be exciting to work for criminals. Must see some crazy cargo. I shrugged. Just told him sometimes you have shipments. Anything from guns to medical rations. Told him a shipment went to Camden Town not too long ago."

"Shouldn't have done that, Wilks," John said darkly as he took another step forward. "We don't take kindly to business being passed around."

"I didn't do nothin'," Wilks protested. "I've got a wife and kids to feed."

"Should have thought of that before you went talking," John said.

Wilks grabbed your wrist and swung your body around, his calloused hand gripping your throat and the other around your waist. John cut the distance in a stride and stopped as Wilks lifted you by the throat, pressing your back to his chest.

"I don't want no trouble," he said, eyes darting for an exit. "Let me go home."

Your hands flew to your throat and your feet kicked as he lifted you higher. You could barely breathe in through his grip.

"Shouldn't have done that," John said with a glint in his eye. He pulled out his pistol and aimed it at him.

"Shouldn't have brought a girl for a man's job," Wilks growled in your ear as he squeezed your throat tighter.

John's eyes were dark as he tried to aim at the man behind you. His face cycled between fear and anger as you realized he wouldn't have a good shot with Wilks holding you so close.

You gritted your teeth and kicked again. You felt your heel connect with his shin and he squeezed your throat harder as he roared. You dropped a hand from your throat and elbowed his chest as you thrashed in his hands. You clumsily made way to your pockets and pulled out a knife as your eyesight started to blacken. John lowered his pistol as you pulled back and stabbed Wilks in the thigh, making the man drop you.

You stepped out of his reach and John raged forward with his fist cocked back. John's fist connected with Wilks’ face with a crack and the man fell to the ground. John continued pummeling the man as he writhed on the ground, your knife still in his thigh.

You touched your neck, feeling the bruising that was likely to occur. You breathed deep, feeling the oxygen rush through you as you tried to stay conscious. As oxygen came back you turned back to John beating the man and grabbed John's arm as he cocked it back to hit Wilk's face again.

As you grabbed his arm, he twisted in your grip and was about to punch you when he realized who you were and stopped himself. Wilks was beneath his feet in a bloody pile, his face almost indistinguishable. John's eyes met yours as you held his arm and looked at the blood that had spattered on his face and the wild look in his blue eyes.

"John," you said hoarsely. Your throat was scratchy from being choked.

His eyes softened and he pulled you to his chest.

"Don't fucking scare me like that, yeah?" He whispered into your hair as you clung to him.

"I'm fine," you said. "But we need him alive to ask, yeah?"

John let out a sigh as he deflated.

"Yeah," he said.

You pulled away and looked at his blue eyes worrying over you. You patted his arm and stepped out of his embrace to lean over the half conscious man under his feet.

"Wilks," you said with a low growl. "Who did you tell?"

Wilks cried out as John kicked his ribs, finally stepping to the side so he wasn't under his feet.

"I don't know," he said, screaming as you grabbed your knife from his thigh and pulled it out. "I didn't know the man. He had longer hair maybe? An odd accent. I'd never seen him before, I swear."

You scowled at him, wiping his blood off of your knife with his vest. You pressed the knife under his throat.

"Are you sure?" You growled.

"Sounds like it could have been an Italian," John said as he spit on the man. "Maybe a Jew."

"I don't know," he cried. "Please."

You pulled your knife away and hid it back into your pocket. You looked up at John as he glared down at Wilks.

"Your call, Shelby," you said, voice still hoarse.

"I'll kill him," he said, kicking the man again.

"No," you said.

John scowled down at you, his jaw ticked as he was about to talk.

"I'll do it," you said, sounding stronger than you felt. "This is meant to be my proofing water."

John started again to fight you, but you raised a hand while you fished your knife out. Wilks started to thrash beneath you and John stepped on his chest to hold him still. John's eyes looked conflicted as you pulled the knife out of your pocket again and ran a finger along the blade.

You had hurt men before, but you had never killed. Most of your experience was from self defense. Tommy wanted to prove yourself, so prove yourself you shall.

"You don't have to," John said defeated. "I'll tell Tommy you did it. You don't have to."

"No, John," you said solemnly. "I do. You aren't saving me from it. This is mine."

You turned to Wilks and cut his throat in a swift motion. Blood poured from his neck as the light left his eyes. You stood up and stepped back as John kicked Wilks into the water. You watched numbly, knife still at your side.

"Hey," John said as he turned around and rested his hand on your cheek. "Is'aright. Come here."

He pulled you into his chest and you teared up but fought the urge to cry. You gulped it down, feeling the pain in your neck again.

"John," you whispered.

He pulled back to look you in the eye, one hand on your cheek and the other on your waist.

"Let's get you back to your wife, yeah?" You said as you tried to feign a smile.

You rested your hand on his chest before gently pushing him away.

"Yeah, (Y/N)," John sighed. "Okay."

The ride back was quiet. You looked straight ahead as John drove, even though you could feel his eyes on you from time to time. When he offered to drive you home, you declined, telling him you'd rather walk from his home.

You hugged him goodbye when you arrived at his home, and breathed deep the smell of him. He always smelled of gunpowder and pine, and you breathed it in deeply to comfort yourself. You said your goodbyes despite his worried expression, and walked down the road in a daze. You weren't ready to go home just yet.

You stopped at a local bakery and bought a small piece of bread and walked to The Cut. You sat on Tommy's thinking place stairs and looked out over the canal, thinking. You sat for hours in a daze, eating bread and trying to process your thoughts. As twilight began to tease the sky, you snapped out of your thoughts. You needed to get home.

You walked to your apartment and at the last minute you were grabbed by your neighbor. Gail was an older neighbor that always treated you kindly. You often brought her teas when you found a new flavor she might like.

"Men came through asking where you were," Gail said in hushed tones. "They claimed to be coppers. They're in your apartment waiting for you now."

You thanked her and left quickly back into the streets. It was now dark and getting colder by the moment. There was only one place you could think to go, so you walked to Tommy's house. You snuck in to sit on his bed and waited for him to arrive home for the night.

#john shelby x reader #tommy shelby x reader #peaky blinders #peaky blinder fanfic #storytime with murderousginger #esme lee

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kim-ruzek · 3 years ago

Text

They fuck you up, your mum and dad

Summary: Introspective fic. Jesse asks a question about her father and it sets off all of Amanda's worries and fears.

Warnings: mentions of addiction, gambling addiction.

Word Count: 3k

Read on AO3

Notes: So. I've been rewatching season 15 and I'm in my Amanda feels. This came into my mind last night and would not leave until I wrote so hence my first ever svu fic was born. Although, full disclaimer, I do have the personal headcanon that Nick is Jesse's father, but this is canon compliant in that Murphy is.

The title and poem is from This be the verse by Richard Larkin! (Thank you @fighterkimburgess for the suggestion).

I hope you enjoy!

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra just for you.

Amanda always knew that this day would come.

She knew it from the very moment she saw that positive pink line on that drugstore pregnancy test. She knew it when she decided that she was having her baby, that she was keeping her. She knew it when she bumped into Declan Murphy, and the reality that her baby’s father was a career UC was brought once more to the forefront of her mind.

Jesse was a perfect, beautiful baby.

Amanda had such trouble with love, never falling for the right people, never really experiencing real love. But from the very first time she laid eyes on Jesse she loved her, loved her with such a fierceness and strength that she had never felt before. Jesse was the first person who Amanda ever loved, the first love that wasn’t tainted by the darkness of the person’s soul.

Jesse was bright-eyed, beautiful, and angelic. Her soul was the most purest, untouched from any evils. And she was hers, completely and utterly hers.

Of course, that’s not true. There’s no way, biologically and scientifically, that could ever be true. A woman can’t just spontaneously get pregnant—even in the Bible, Mary was blessed by God himself, if she was so inclined to believe.

Jesse is half Amanda’s, half Declan’s. Amanda will never admit—not even to Sonny late at night—just how happy it made her that Jesse took after her in looks, that Amanda’s genes came out the strongest. It’s a petty kind of pride, she thinks, but as selfish as it is, Jesse is hers and she’s always going to happy that’s reflected in her looks.

Not that Amanda would ever love her less if she didn’t. She doesn’t think she physically could—another thing that makes her proud. One of her main wants when she became a parent was that she’d never be like her own mother, that her love would never be conditional, that if she ever had more than one child that she’d never favour the one over the other. And with the fierce certainty that erupts in her at the thought of not loving Jesse, the certainty that isn’t possible, reassures her that she’s at least keeping to that goal.

Still, there are times when Jesse pulls an expression that so strongly reminds Amanda of her old lieutenant, of Jesse’s father, that it brings up the thought, the reminder, that one day this conversation would be had, that Jesse would ask about her father.

Jesse knows who he is, knows the basics. She’s met him, only a handful of times, but she has met him. Liked him, even. They’ll never be like the typical father and daughter, but their moments together has always been positive.

Jesse understands this, knows that Declan is never really going to be around. It’ll make Amanda sadder, if it affected Jesse in any way. But truth be told, Jesse is never that much bothered by it. Not even in a way that’s just her being too grown up, but in a genuine way. A way that it doesn’t mar Jesse’s bright spirit, doesn’t bring any darkness or mess her up in any kind of way absentee parents can do.

Amanda has done good, something that some days she can’t quite get her head around. She’s given Jesse a big, loving, albeit unconventional, family that never leaves her lacking for anything.

She’s got Amanda, a mother who’d quite literally die for her. She’s got Frannie, who’s very much protective over the young Rollins’. And she’s got Billie, a sister, a playmate. Someone who Amanda hopes will grow to be a friend as well as a sister, that the two will be each other’s confidantes. That, especially in the teen years when rebellion is rife, that her daughters will have each other’s backs, even if that means helping to the other to keep secrets from her.

And she’s got so much more. Aunt Liv and Uncle Fin. Her cousin Noah. Even Uncles John and Don, and those rare occasions Nick is in town. And recently, her new uncle, Uncle Elliot. And finally, she has her Uncle Sonny. Sonny, probably the next important person in Jesse’s life aside from her. And through Sonny, even more since they had begun dating, Jesse has grandparents, aunts and uncles and even more cousins.

Jesse is so surrounded by love and people who will protect her with their dying breath. And so, even though Declan is barely present, she’s growing so self assured, with no holes or gaps in her life. This is something Amanda will always be grateful for, that she can’t give Jesse a traditional family but that it doesn’t matter, because the one she’s got leaves her whole.

Amanda had hoped this meant she’d have more time before Jesse came asking about her father.

It’s partly for selfish reasons. Because Amanda has this strong connection with her daughter—both, really—that she’s a single mother, that her daughters are hers and hers alone.

Although as Jesse grows, the less Amanda can think that. She always will of course, because it’ll never change, but it also has. It’s shifted; no longer is Jesse this small, squishy thing who needs Amanda and Amanda alone. She’s a precocious six year old, with her own personality and traits.

Jesse is, biologically, half Amanda and half Declan but she’s fast teaching Amanda just how little genes are important. Because Jesse is made up with little pieces of everyone in her life. She’s taken to using phrases and sayings that Fin uses, she keeps wanting a blazer like aunty Liv’s, and she’s got a Staten Island twang picked up from Sonny.

Amanda loves seeing this, loves seeing her family reflected in her daughter. But it also makes her panic, to cling onto her little girl and never let her go. Because she’s hers.

But this isn’t only why she almost dreaded this day. It’s still her being selfish, but Amanda thinks that everything she feels for her children could be seen as selfish, because nothing else in the world matters more than her two angels.

Declan may, biologically, be Jesse’s father, but Amanda knows who she sees as her dad, in her heart. That Sonny is her father, really. He was the first other person to ever hold Jesse, the second person she first called too, the man she loves and always wants to be with them.

He plays the games he knows she likes, helps her with her homework, takes her to her grandparents and stays with her when Amanda’s busy at work. That he had been doing this long before they were even a couple, that Jesse cuddles had been fixing his bad days ever since she was born.

In Amanda’s heart, Sonny is always going to be Jesse’s dad.

And she so desperately wants it to be true, to have biology support the truth she knows in her heart. She doesn’t put much stock in biology these days anyway, but it would make things oh so more easier. Because Amanda will always think Sonny as her daughter’s dad, but as it’s so, so apparent—Jesse is her own person.

Jesse has her own thoughts and opinions and feelings. And Declan is, biologically, Jesse’s dad. And Amanda knows that what her heart feels, thinks, knows...it means nothing compared to what Jesse’s heart does, what Jesse decides is fact or fiction.

And so Amanda has feared this day, almost. The day Jesse shows an interest in knowing more about Declan.

Fears it because it brings up Amanda’s very real worry that Jesse will reject Sonny, her worry that they’re all just playing at house and if they begin addressing how Jesse has someone else’s blood running through her veins everything will crumple before she can stop it.

And fears because, well, because Amanda’s never really been admired or respected by anyone—especially when it comes to her own blood. But that’s the thing about children, they look at you like you’re their superhero, that you’re invincible. And Amanda knows her daughters will one day see the world less black and white, and she’s prepared for this. Excited, even, because she catches herself often marvelling at the thought of how her relationship with her daughters will be when they’re adults.

But how can she explain how Jesse came to be? How she made a stupid decision and slept with Declan? That she didn’t even realise she was pregnant before Yates, a serial killer, pointed it out. Jesse knows the basics, and Amanda knows that her daughter isn’t asking for these more adult descriptions, but it ignites her ultimate worry in her. That one day her daughter will understand how she came to be, and that she’d think less of her.

Jesse is her first love of her life and the thought of her thinking lowly of her, of judging her, is one that’s too much to bare. One that has brought her to tears in the middle of night just thinking about it, just the idea of her daughter thinking of her in a negative light.

And it’s not because Jesse was conceived after a one night stand, not really. Amanda does worry about that, too, of course—same with Billie. Especially with the girls realising that Amanda made the same mistake twice, and not even with the same man.

But because the story of her and Declan is not a pleasant one. It’s messy, chaotic, unromantic.

How will she ever explain to her daughter that she was only conceived, if you trace it back to the beginning, because she is an addict, because she wasn’t strong enough to stay on the wagon, that she gambled illegally and that she risked everything.

That she only met Jesse’s father because she was outed as a cop, because she was stupid enough to put herself in a situation where being a cop can get you killed.

In general, in a weird way, Amanda feels grateful for her having that lapse. The whole thing with Nate and Lena had hit her like a truck, had stolen her breath and made everything spiral, and made her loose control. Even a year later, it hurt. The betrayal had cut deep and it robbed her of her gambling sobriety.

But then she had Jesse. But then she had stared into Jesse’s eyes for the very first time, and so much of that hurt was instantly evaporated. Because if that didn’t happen, if she didn’t fall if the wagon then, she never would’ve met Declan—she never would’ve had Jesse.

Of course, there’s a chance she still would meet him, because after all he was in charge of svu twice. But Amanda knows, knows, that had she not met him then that she’d never have slept with him, and so she never would’ve had Jesse.

It’s quite remarkable how the act of having Jesse wiped away her remaining embarrassment over it, that she finally accepted that it was just something that had happened.

But there’s always two sides of a coin. And having an addict for a mother, having it be so that your mom only met your dad because she was an addict... How could she ever expect Jesse to know that and not think less of her?

And how does she expand on how she met Declan to a curious six year old? Not quite old enough to deal with bigger information pieces, but not too young to be satisfied with an non answer.

Amanda tries to reassure herself, that at least Declan was a good man. That her conversation with Jesse is infinitely more easier than the one Liv has to have with Noah. But there’s a part of her mind that rebuffs that. That says that Noah is adopted, that Liv is his saviour, whereas she was the one who made the choices that brought Jesse and Billie into the world.

It’s not a fair rebuff. Adoption is always a tough subject, and then there’s the fact that Noah’s biological father was a rapist. That’s never going to be an easy thing to address. Although, if anyone knows how to do it—or rather, how not to do it—it’s going to be Liv.

This reassurance does nothing for her, and she once more wishes so, so strongly that Sonny was her daughters’ father. It’s so easy to just operate on that. Sonny had always been here. He had even been called dada briefly by Jesse when she was a baby.

Even Declan had noted it, on Jesse’s third birthday. He had stopped by, had interacted with Jesse. There was a moment when he was helping Amanda get the cake that he had directed her attention to where Sonny sat playing with Jesse.

“He’s good with her.” Declan had observed. Then he had said something that had taken her by surprise but will forever have a residence in her mind.

“You know, if you ever need me to sign any papers, just say the word. I’ll never be a traditional dad to her, but if you have someone... I’ll sign.” He had said. Amanda had gaped at him, unsure of what to say, but in typical Declan fashion he just moved on easily.

In all this, Amanda has one reassurance, that it’ll be easier with Billie. Billie, like her sister, had called Sonny dada before she could speak much but unlike Jesse, she hadn’t stopped. Most of Billie’s life, her memories, had Amanda and Sonny being an actual couple.

It’s not like Amanda thinks Jesse rejects the idea of seeing Sonny as her father. In fact, she’s fairly certain she does. Father day cards are always addressed to him and since they got together, Jesse’s rather gotten in the habit of just calling him Sonny, not Uncle Sonny. Amanda knows her daughter, and she knows that the dropping of uncle is because Sonny’s no longer an uncle, or at least no longer just that.

But Amanda’s fears go well beyond that. It goes to her fears of how her daughter will see her, if her daughter will think herself as a mistake, as a regret. Her wish for Sonny to be her dad just is so strong not because Amanda wishes for just an easy life, but because there’s so much that could cause Jesse strife in the story of her parents, and Amanda never wants her daughter to feel anything bad.

Jesse is so perfect, so innocent and whole. Her world is small, but filled with so much love. Amanda sees such darkness on a daily basis, and has been through such darkness, but Jesse knows only light. And Amanda knows that Jesse will one day fight her own demons; that Jesse will have her heart broken, that the world will be unfair to her someday.

That thought aches, aches, Amanda’s heart, the desire to protect her daughter from anything bad surging. But it’ll happen, and Amanda can only take comfort in that she’ll help Jesse through it, and that Jesse has so many other people to help her through it.

It’s a source of pride for Amanda that Jesse is having a stable childhood. Amanda herself had such a rocky one, had learnt that home isn’t always as warm and welcoming as it should be. It left a deep scar on her, learning that how and when she did. Sobriety is all about taking responsibility for your own actions, and Amanda doesn’t excuse her mistakes, but she understands that all the chaos she put herself through stemmed from that.

Every day at work Amanda sees just how emotional scars can have an affect on one’s self, and she personally knows that. And that’s why she has feared this day. Because Jesse’s world is whole and balanced, because Jesse doesn’t have a part of her that feels empty, lacking. Because Amanda so hopes that it’ll never change, but that she can’t know that.

Jesse came to be because of something so messy and chaotic. She wasn’t made through love, she wasn’t a purposeful action. Her arrival quite literally changed Amanda’s whole world, for the better, but there’s always the fear that Jesse will see it differently.

There’s so much Jesse can take from Amanda’s life, all with the potential to mar her beautiful life, all with the potential to leave her with scars, with the potential to steal chunks of her soul. And that is what leaves Amanda with a cold fear, because the thought of her daughter loosing a piece of herself, for being fucked up by her parents like Amanda was is something she’s so afraid off. And she’s scared that it’ll be because Jesse will become disillusioned about Amanda, that she’d see her mother only as the bad, disaster of a person she was before, and that’s what will fuck her up the most.

Amanda barely had any time to think about this, however, because she has a rather impatient six year old looking at her and waiting for an answer.

“How did you and Declan meet?” Jesse had asked. She’s never called Declan dad, never knowing him long enough, and Amanda will always feel a little happiness that she’s the only parent in Jesse’s life who’s called Mama, who’s given a title—and gratefulness, of course, that Declan doesn’t mind not being called dad in his infrequent visits.

Amanda looks at her beautiful, perfect daughter and she takes a deep breath.

“He saved me,” She answers simply. Because that’s what he did. Because Amanda got so lucky that he was undercover, that he was a kind cop, that he choose to have her back, that he was so ready to defend her to IAB, to even Liv. There’s so many parts of their story that Amanda can’t quite tell her daughter yet, but she can tell her that her dad is kind, and that’s the important thing.

Someday, she’ll have to tell the full story, and that’s when she’ll have to face all her fears. But for now, she’ll just say this and hope that this is one gene of Declan’s that comes through Jesse; that her daughter will be as kind and understanding as her father, that she’ll believe in Amanda the same way Declan did all those years ago when he saved her life. And that it’ll be enough to save Jesse herself, save her from history repeating itself.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra just for you.

#svu #amanda rollins #jesse rollins #rollisi #<- tagging just bc it's very subtly in the background #ree writes #ree's.writing #svu fanfiction

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punkpal · 4 years ago

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Get To Know Me Better! (tag game)

@tidal-wav3s thanks for tagging me dude!!

Fav color: Lots of people get surprised when i say this but pink has and always will be my favourite colour.

Last song I listened to: Four Walls - While She Sleeps

Fav musicians/bands: God i have so many but the first few that come to mind are Parkway Drive, My Chemical Romance, Five Finger Death Punch, Green Day, Architects, All Time Low, A Day to Remember, Hellions, Slipknot, Secrets, Ocean Grove, Korn, In Hearts Wake, Awaken I Am, Whilst She Sleeps, Slowly Slowly, Young Lions, Trophy Eyes, The Plot In You, Queen, The Maine, Linkin Park, Hands Like House, AD/DC, Evanescence, Dream On Dreamer, Asking Alexandria, Crown The Empire, Camp Cope, Bring Me the Horizon, System of a Down, Disturbed, The Used, Brand New, Blink-182, Bad Omens, Tonight Alive, Stick To Your Guns and lots lots more. When i was putting together this list i was gonna make it a max of 10 bands but then i kept thinking of more and more and eventually i just had to stop otherwise this list would become novel length. Basically the consensus is i like lots of music and any of the band i reblog shit from are favs.

Last film I watched: Sicario and it was shit so take my word and don’t fucking bother.

Last tv show I watched: I just finished rewatching The Umbrella Academy season 1 to get myself psyched for season 2. I also just finished watching the netflix mini series documentary ‘Unabomber: In his own words’ which was pretty good. And I am also currently binging The Office (US) and am just starting season 8.

Fav original character: So i am writing (admittedly mostly just in my head although a little less then a quarter has been written as a rough draft on a word doc) a rather length fantasy/vampire novel. Its part romance, part drama, part revenge fantasy, part anarchist vigilante revolution au and tbh part me just self projecting my trauma and dysfunctional life onto my characters... And whilst it likely will never see the light of day because of my lack of motivation to write the entire thing down and instead just reference it when i am day dreaming. I really vibe with the alternative universe as an escape from the real one i am living in and i have a vested interest in the characters i have created in it. And whilst there are numerous ocs from this that i have put an alarmingly long amount of time (literally years) into developing all of which i love and adore i do have two favourites. One named Taylor who is a gay 2946 year old idiot/himbo (vampire obviously). He is hot, sweet, kind, caring, funny, understanding, stubborn, the mum™️ friend, a romantic fool with a a hint of mummy issues and anger problems and a complete fucking allergy to guilt. And the other is his prodigy/person he turned vampire named Meredith. She is 354 year old hot mess and is kinda the opposite of him in that she is homicidal, manipulative, cunning, devious, fearless (almost to a fault), strong willed women. Who is very smart, has a strong/forward and somewhat off putting personality, low key a bit of a bitch but is very protective of those she loves and has good morals and the desire to right all wrongs even if through violent revenge if she sees fit. She is the leader of a criminal underworld revolution seeking to bring revenge and justice to the powerful and untouchable evils of the world. And he is her loyal side kick that lets her run the show as she is a natural born leader, but also works as a the voice of reason and logic to her. All the while having his own sub plot of being torn between chasing his love interest despite the danger it possesses. Or sacrificing his own desire for connection and love for fear of the consequences despite it meaning living a sad and eternally lonely life. Thats just a very brief summery of those two. They have a very close but complicated relationship with each other, like annoying siblings but imagine if you had to live with your siblings for centuries. And they all have there flaws (some more obvious then others) as well as dark, morbid and tragic histories but it makes them what the are today both the good, the bad and the downright problematic. And yeah i’d like to think one day i will write this out properly and others will read it and connect to or relate to these characters. Maybe love them, maybe hate them, maybe initially hate them, like is designed with Meredith, but come to truly love her once they begin to understand her and see her potential thats hidden under layers of ‘don’t fuck with me’. But until then they are my characters to play around with and build upon and thats exactly what i intend to do.

Sweet, spicy, or savory: Sweet!

Sparkling water, tea, or coffee: Can i say hot chocolate or juice?

Pets: Living with me is my son and best friend Gideon (he is a adult black male cat i adopted a year ago and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.) Living with my sister is my family cat i grew up with named Maisey (she is a snobby fat cat with a beautiful coat and i love her although i don’t think she loves me/or anyone.) And then at my mums is her puppy Newfoundland Bentley (basically god combined a dumbass and a dog and made him) as well as my brothers turtle Pedro and my axolotl Voldemort (can’t fit his huge tank in my apartment so he stays with mum.)

I’m tagging: @bilvy @revradio @cxmeterydrxve @angryqueercrypted @prettyyy-boyyy @disenchanted-mona-lisa @burymeinpink @thotfrnk @r1ghtbackatitaga1n @solelll @gothbtchz @highhighhopless @re-imagine @x-give-em-hell-kid-x @greendayer @dramaticallydepressed @lyricsinmyblood-bloodinmylyrics & @imsopunkrxck obviously this isn’t a obligation, do this tag game only if you want. And if you weren’t tagged but wanna take part then do tag me in your own and i will read and like it as i love learning about my followers passions and interests!

#also this is the first time i have talked online about my alternate universe story and original characters #if you like what you hear and wanna know more as what i wrote was only the tip of the iceberg in regards to what there is to know about them #then hmu and ask any questions you have because i'd love to talk more about them because obviously they are both old as fuck #and therefor have a lot of back story and theres so many different aliments to the plot with a whole lot of side/sub plots #and other characters and i have done a load of research so as to have all of the stuff that i wrote based in the past to be historically #accurate and just yeah i know no one cares but if you do then please ask me about it because i have so much more to say!#also don't judge me even though i deserve it lol

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punchdrunkdoc · 4 years ago

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Updated K-Drama list (8)

After almost a year of watching KDramas, I’ve finally found a show that has knocked CLOY off the top spot!

The GREAT:

1. Its Ok To Not Be Okay - NEW ENTRY

A children’s author with antisocial personality disorder becomes obsessed with a handsome (but closed-off) carer in a mental health hospital.

I could (and already have) written loads about this show - it became my all-encompassing obsession for the 8 weeks it was on telly. I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! I had a feeling only 1 episode in that it might become my all-time favourite K-drama, and I was right. The quality never dropped for a moment, and it absolutely nailed the ending.

I pretty much love everything about it - the whimsical, fairytale-esque tone, the music, the costumes, the supporting characters, the side plots exploring different mental health issues, the humour, the set design, even the opening credits!

The two leads are so beautiful with SO MUCH chemistry that you could watch them read a phone book and it would be hot. But it became a real three-hander of a show, with the male lead’s autistic brother forming an integral part of the relationship dynamic.

Honestly, I can’t do this show justice with such a short review - just WATCH IT!!

Male lead: Soooo handsome, quiet and compassionate but with a steel core; it’s so fun watching him come out of his shell. Actor also seen in (AASI): My Love from a Star (honestly, he didn’t make much of an impression in that show, but he was amazing in this - he conveys so much emotion with the most subtle facial movements)

Female lead: Absolutely fascinating; so wounded and vulnerable, but projecting this awesome, no-fucks-given, blunt-as-hell exterior. Actress also seen in (AASI): Lawless Lawyer, Hwarang (minor character)

2. Crash Landing on You

He’s from North Korea. She’s from South Korea. They never should have met, but they’ll change each other’s lives.

This was my first K-drama, and although it’s been knocked off the top spot, it’s still fantastic. Its the full package - the entire cast of characters is great, the lead romance is ANGSTALICIOUS and its genuinely, laugh out loud funny (when its not making you cry or swoon). I’ve since discovered that they had a North Korean defector as a consultant working on the show, so apparently the NK scenes are fairly accurate which is SUPER interesting.

Male lead: Officially the best boyfriend ever - absolutely nails the small, romantic gestures. AASI: Hyde, Jekyll & Me.

Female lead: Smart, sassy, and funny. I love her.

3. Healer

The lives, and pasts, of a hot shot reporter, a spunky young tabloid journalist and a mysterious thief-for-hire intersect.

I ADORE this show and its so rewatchable. The plot was tight and engaging, and this is one of the few shows I’ve watched where there didn’t seem to be a lot of filler. The central 3 characters are great, and the romance was amazing. I especially loved that the male lead started off such a brooding loner, but he became super-affectionate as soon as he admitted his feelings. So many good hugs and lots of face-cradling in this one. There’s also a great riff on the Superman/Clark Kent dynamic which was fun!

Male lead: Effortlessly beats up 2 henchmen while comforting his girl over the phone. What more do you need? AASI: The K2, Suspicious Partner, Melting me softly, Backstreet Rookie

Female lead: She doesn’t let her vulnerabilities stop her from getting the story or being with the man she loves. AASI: What’s wrong with secretary Kim, I’ll go to you when the weather is nice, Her private life

4. Itaewon Class

A young man’s life is forever altered when he runs afoul of a powerful family.

This felt like a big step up in quality from everything else in this list, in terms of the production, soundtrack (which was brilliant), the lack of annoying sound effects, and just the overall ‘real world’ feel of the show. All of the characters were fleshed out and 3-dimensional, and they all had their ‘moment’ to shine. The story itself was gripping and so well done - some of the twists and reveals had me gasping! And what can I say about the 2 leads? I love them, both separately, and together. He is so wise beyond his years, and his journey will break your heart and inspire you. She is borderline sociopathic, but I adore her.

Male lead: Tenacious, principled, kind, innocent, caring, driven, loyal…and he can cook! AASI: What’s wrong with secretary Kim, Fight for my way, Hwarang

Female lead: One of the most original Kdrama female characters I’ve seen. Plus she retains her agency all the way through, which is (unfortunately) not always the case with these shows.

5. W - Two worlds

A surgeon gets sucked into the world of her father’s webtoon when the main character’s life is threatened.

This was a WILD ride! The first 4 episodes barrelled through plot at an amazing rate and certain events happen in episode 5 that had me wondering how the show could even continue! But it did…and the plot just got more insane! I loved this show SO much. It kept me guessing, had me on the edge of my seat, and even had room for some of my favourite romance tropes. The central relationship was great, and (because of the insane plot) you basically get 2 love stories for the price of 1. I’ve already watched this whole show again, which is why I’ve bumped it up the ratings a bit!

Male lead: Just a really, really cool guy. Can’t think of how else to describe him! Always in control, calm, unflappable, analysing the situation….but he can break out the cocky charm when needed. AASI: While you were sleeping, Doctor Stranger

Female lead: I really liked her - she had more agency than a lot of other female heroines and I really related to her freaked-out panic in the beginning when she didn’t feel like she was a capable enough doctor to save a life.

6. While you were sleeping

Not to be confused with the Sandra Bullock rom-com from the 90s. Instead, this is about a young woman who can dream the future who has her fate changed by a young prosecutor who suddenly develops the same ability

I was thoroughly and utterly charmed by this show. Everything was so beautifully done - from the cinematography, to the music (OMG the music!), even the title cards were interesting and quirky. The characters were all great - the main leads are so sweet and relatable, the second lead is cute-as-a-button, the villain is properly hissable, and none of the supporting characters/extras annoyed me! The storyline itself was brilliant, with so many great set-ups, pay-offs and twists, and the romance was lovely.

Male lead: A bit of a hot mess of a human being (basically, the polar opposite of his character in W!)…but all the more loveable for it. AASI: W: 2 worlds, Doctor stranger.

Female lead: Smart, sweet, loyal (I really loved her relationship with her mum) and quietly brave.

7. Descendants of the Sun

A special forces Captain meets a capable and beautiful trauma surgeon. They feel an instant bond, but their jobs and philosophy on life get in the way, threatening to tear them apart.

I absolutely LOVE the male lead character, and the romance in this was beautiful. Plus its chock-full of CompetencePorn, with lots of scenes of people being really, really good at their jobs (this is one of my favourite things!). However, it didn’t quite nail the angst, and the last minute was a bit twee which dropped it down the rankings a bit.

Male lead: A cocky, charming, absolute BADASS with the most adorable, cheeky smile.

Female lead: Sweet and a bit out of her depth in the dangerous situations…but put her in charge of a patient and watch her go!

8. Love in the Moonlight / Moonlight Drawn by Clouds

A young woman poses as a eunuch in the Royal Palace and falls in love with the Crown Prince

This was the first period piece I watched and it’s still my favourite - almost entirely because of the male lead and his beautiful face! The start had a really light, comedic tone (and a lot of modern anachronisms - high fives everywhere!) and I loved all the identity-concealing hi-jinks. But then the romance kicked into gear and the DELICIOUS angst started flowing, and I became obsessed with it. It’s like loads of bits of my favourite regency historical romances were mashed up and transported to the Joseon Dynasty. I loved it so much!

Male lead: Manages to look amazingly handsome despite all the period headgear, kicks ass with a sword, and doesn’t allow himself to be manipulated by the corrupt officials surrounding him. Also acts like an adorable goofball when he’s in love.

Female lead: Loved her at the start - she’s scrappy and independent and capable. Unfortunately, becomes too much of a plot device by the end. AASI: Backstreet Rookie

9. I’ll Go to You When the Weather is Nice / I’ll Find You on a Beautiful Day

A cellist disillusioned with life in Seoul returns to her small home town for the winter.

This was achingly sweet and wonderful. The slow unfolding of the story, the beautiful scenery, and the simple yet moving score all combine to make this feel like the type of small town contemporary romance novel I love to read on a rainy day in front of a fire. Whilst long-held, painful secrets are eventually revealed, there is no massive conflict involved, with no antagonist or over-wrought external drama. Its just the tale of two sad, lonely people who have withdrawn from the world forming a connection with each other and trying to overcome their issues (she has a fear of abandonment; he’s a loner who has a tendency to disappear). As a bonus, there’s a bookclub with a wonderful cast of secondary characters - I wanted to spend more time with all of them.

Male Lead: Precious Cinnamon Roll, to be protected at all costs. AASI: Are you human too

Female lead: Wears her heart on her sleeve. Refreshingly, she’s the instigator of the relationship and isn’t the usual passive, coy female. AASI: What’s wrong with secretary Kim, Healer, Her private life

10. Goblin

A 900yr old immortal guardian finally meets the ‘bride’ who will end his existence

Once I got over the slight ick-factor of the age difference between the two characters at the beginning, I really fell for this show and it’s world. It had me in floods of tears at some points, and it was laugh out loud funny at others. I especially loved the secondary character of the Grim Reaper and his reluctant bromance with the Goblin.

Male lead: Surprising innocent and funny for a 900 year old

Female lead: Also innocent, but in some ways wise beyond her years. Her tears will make you cry (the actress is very good at sobbing her heart out!). AASI: The King, eternal monarch

11. What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim

An personal assistant decides to quits her job in order to get a life. Her boss has other ideas.

This was my first Park Seo Joon drama, and he’s great in it. He somehow turns a self-centred, entitled and vain boss into an endearing character! The central romance is amazing - I can rewatch their scenes again and again - and its a bit more mature than some of the others on this list (be sure to check out the extended scene!!). It has some of the best kisses in Kdrama.

Male lead: Like I said, somehow makes vanity and narcissism endearing. Also not afraid to get his shirt off and flash his 6-pack. Bonus. AASI: Itaewon Class, Fight for my way, Hwarang

Female lead: I’m a sucker for uber-competent people so I loved this character. Park Min Young has become one of my favourites, and she is STUNNING in this. AASI: I’ll go to you when the weather is nice, Healer, Her private life

12. Legend of the Blue Sea

A mermaid comes onto land to find the man she loves

The (literal) fish-out-of-water scenes in the first half of this show were hilarious - the actress is a comic genius! The romance was nicely done, and there wasn’t a lot of extraneous plot or too many characters. It also nicely incorporates scenes from the Joseon era, so you get a partial historical romance thrown in for free!

I couldn’t stop watching this one and I’ve since rewatched it too! Definitely one to check out.

Male lead: Cocky, arrogant conman with a soft mushy centre. AASI: The King, Eternal monarch, Heirs.

Female lead: Steals the show - funny, smart and beautiful. AASI: My love from the Star.

13. Into the Ring/The Ballot - NEW ENTRY

An out-of-work young woman decides to run for office and faces all sorts of challenges in her quest to right some wrongs and earn a living.

This show has one of my favourite ever female characters - she’s headstrong, hard working, and quick to violence but so cute and charming with the most adorable laugh! She tries to act all cynical (that she’s only in it for the money) but she is actually really caring and kind. I sooo wanted her to succeed against the establishment of corrupt assholes that she worked with. Seeing her become disillusioned with politics and her colleagues was heartbreaking, and watching her fight back was great.

Her dynamic with the male lead was also great - he’s quietly in awe of her even when he’s exasperated and borderline scared of her. And he’s super supportive. It was so much fun watching her drag him out of his monotonous, dull life. They also weren’t stingy with the PDA which was so refreshing.

On a superficial level, the show was also visually interesting, with loads of cool angles and blue lens flare. And the overall light, funny tone made it so watchable.

Male lead: Adorkable

Female lead: The literal embodiment of sunshine and determination. I have a bit of a crush on her!

14. The King: Eternal Monarch

The reigning King of the Kingdom of Corea discovers a gateway to a parallel world - the Republic of Korea

This is the first drama I’ve watched in ‘real time’ but I think it would work better as a binge - there are a LOT of characters, and many have dopplegangers (because of the parallel world thing) so it became hard to keep track of who was who. I also think the progression of the romance is better appreciated in a binge (I wrote about it here - ignore the speculation; i got it so wrong LOL!). Unfortunately, the plot also had major holes in it (the ‘rules’ for the gateway/magical flute didn’t make sense) and It was difficult at times to differentiate Corea from Korea - a major failing of the editing.

Buuuuuut, it still made my ‘Great’ list because all of those issues were outweighed by the sheer epicness of this show. The gorgeous sets, the dramatic scenery, the ANGST-filled, beautiful romance…at one point the King rides a majestic white horse into battle with a sword on a neon-lit highway to save the woman he loves. I mean, come on! Plus, its really funny - the ‘fish out of water’ scenes when the King first arrives in Korea, the chalk and cheese dopplegangers Yeong and Eun-Seob, the King’s constant threats of beheading…I loved those elements so much!

Male lead: Gives Ri Jeong-Hyeok from CHOY a run for his money in the ‘Best Boyfriend’ competition. AASI: Legend of the blue sea, Heirs.

Female lead: A bad-ass cop. Takes a while to believe Lee Gon’s story, but once she decides to go all in…she goes all in, and loves unreservedly with her whole heart. AASI: Goblin

15. Tomorrow with you

A time-traveller struggling to live in the present meets a woman trying to let go of her past.

This reminded me a bit of ‘I’ll go to you when the weather is nice’ in terms of the melancholic tone, the simple but effective music, and the beautiful lighting etc. There were also some really interesting, innovative shots which I appreciated.

It took a few episodes to get into and it was a bit frustrating in the middle - so much could have been solved if people just TALKED to each other!! Plus the rules for this version of time travel weren’t really clear…But the last few episodes were brilliant; the way the story came together, and all the little bits of set up were paid off was really well done. These episodes alone were enough to bump this up to the ‘Great’ category (especially, given there was a bit of a Lake House vive at one point - I’m a sucker for that movie. The romance was also beautifully portrayed; I could endlessly watch their domestic scenes - they had such good chemistry and banter.

Male lead: Absolutely, but endearingly, terrible at relationships. He ends up falling in love against his will and largely without realising it.

Female lead: A bit of a mess and a borderline alcoholic, but so cute and innocent. I love the way she talks to herself, she’s so funny! AASI: Oh My Venus

16. Fight for my Way

Two life-long friends decide to go after their dreams

I fast-forwarded large chunks of this (I wasn’t interested in the secondary couple at all), but it still made my ‘Great’ list because this is one of the best friends-to-lovers stories I’ve seen. You truly buy that these 2 have known each other their entire lives (their bickering and teasing feels so natural). And then when they take the next step, they’re so affectionate and refreshingly open with their feelings. Speaking of which, this also has some great kissing scenes (Park Seo Joon is the master!)

Male lead: I love his contradictions. He’s goofy and childish…but can really turn on the sexy charm; he’s a badass MMA fighter…who loves when his girlfriend sticks up for him and protects him. AASI: What’s wrong with secretary Kim, Itaewon class, Hwarang

Female lead: Takes no shit from anyone and will fight for her man! AASI: Descendants of the sun (secondary character)

17. Suspicious Partner

A young, hardworking lawyer has her life turned upside down when she is put on trial for murder.

This was officially bumped up the list a while ago, and I stand by the decision. Its still overly long, but the serial killer plot had some nice twists and it was central to the story, so it didn’t feel extraneous like some of these types of plots do. Mainly, I just loved the central romance - the 2 characters sparked off each other so well and I loved their evolution from sort-of enemies to lovers. This is another show where I can endlessly rewatch their scenes together.

Male lead: Its Ji Chang Wook! He’s so good at playing serious guys who are secretly big dorks. AASI: Healer, The K2, Melting me softly, Backstreet Rookie

Female lead: Fate deals her a shitty hand, but she perseveres with grace and determination. She’s great. AASI: Shopaholic Louis, 100 days my prince.

The GOOD:

1. I Am Not a Robot

A man who is allergic to human contact finds companionship with a robot…or does he?

I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it passed a couple of episodes of this - the concept was just too ridiculous. But I’m glad I persevered, because it developed some real depth and some proper good angst towards the end and I LOVED the central relationship. I’ve rewatched loads of this one.

Actress ASI: Piece of Your Mind; Love in the moonlight (secondary character)

2. I Remember You - NEW ENTRY

A famous criminal profiler gatecrashes the investigation of a serial killer, hoping it will restore the missing memories of his childhood trauma

I really liked the set up of this - the lead character is introduced like a young Sherlock Holmes (the music even reminded me of the score for the BBC Sherlock series). The super-observant, socially awkward thing kind of dropped off as the series progressed, but I still enjoyed how the plot developed, especially with Park Bo-Gum’s character; I’ve only ever seen him play innocent cutie-pies, so this role was a bit of a surprise!

The female lead was like an anime character come to life (she was petite and cute with enormous eyes), but I also loved her personality; she was tenacious, and dogged and took no shit from anyone. She had a cute, antagonistic relationship with the profiler at the start (which I loved) which eventually led to some really sweet, touching moments.

Actor ASI: Shopping King Louis

3. Hotel del Luna

A hotel for wandering spirits gets a new human manager - and he forms a surprising connection to the enigmatic 1300 year old owner

If I had to describe this show in one word it would be ’lavish’. It’s a feast for the eyes - from the set design, to the costumes, to the CGI views of the hotel towering over the moon-lit Seoul cityscape, its stunning. It also plays with aspect ratios in a cool way (watch for the shots where the action spills over into the black bars top and bottom of the screen).

In terms of the characters, I really liked IU in this; her character may be uncaring, world-weary, and money-hungry, but she’s also immensely charming. I admit I got more platonic vibes with her and the male lead, but I still liked their relationship. I also really liked the stories of the ghosts passing through (some reduced me to tears with very little screen time) and there were a couple of GREAT cameos. Especially the one at the very end - I want more of him, please!!

Actress ASI: Scarlet heart

4. My Holo Love

A lonely woman falls for a holographic AI and then meets his creator…

I love the concept of this show (I’m a big sci-fi nerd), and I think this stayed in my ‘favourite’ list for so long because it was the first Kdrama of this genre that I saw. I still love it - especially because of how beautifully it’s shot, and how well the story comes together - but I’m not dying to rewatch any of it, unlike all the others shows that are now on the ‘great’ list.

5. Extraordinary You

A high school student discovers she’s a supporting character in a comic book

The plot of this was so cool, and the way the comic story played out interspersed with the characters ‘real lives’ was really well done. Plus the central couple were so adorable. It dragged in the middle section (several versions of the same conversations were had, and the same exposition was spelled out multiple ways for no apparent reason) which kept it out of my favourite list, but it redeemed itself with some good angst at the end, and it had a really lovely ‘epilogue’.

AASI: A couple of the secondary male leads have a mini-reunion in ‘I’ll go to you when the weather is nice’!

6. Just Between Lovers - NEW ENTRY

Three people impacted by a tragic shopping mall collapse start working on a building project together, unaware of their shared past.

I absolutely adore the male lead in this - he is the archetypal tortured hero (I constantly wanted to give him a hug and a warm meal). He’s also wonderfully romantic in his own, straightfoward, no-nonsense way. The female lead was really likeable - l love capable women and she is the definition of that (she even drives a lorry at one point!). There’s a lot of pain and angst in this show, with very little levity, but it strangely never felt heavy. I really liked it.

Actress ASI: Melting me Softly

7. Strong Girl Bong-Soon

A woman with inherited super-strength gets a job as a bodyguard for an eccentric young CEO

The lead couple in this are AD-OR-ABLE and I loved their relationship. But there was a weird tone issue in this show. The romance is super cute…but there’s a whole dark sub plot involving multiple women being held captive by a psychopath, and a really grating cast of ‘bad guy’ extras. I ended up fast forwarding most of that, and just concentrated on the romance - If someone could do a supercut of all their scenes, I would watch it on a loop.

Actor ASI: Hwarang, Heirs (minor character)

8. 30 but 17/Still 17 - NEW ENTRY

A 17 year old girl gets into an accident and wakes from a coma 13 years later.

I was worried going into this that the romance (between a 30 year old man and (essentially) a 17 year old girl) would feel icky and uncomfortable. But the writers made the wise choice of creating a 30 year old man with the emotional maturity of a 17 year old. He is so awkward and unworldly, that they actually work really well together. In fact, I loved their relationship. The secrets in this show took faaaar too long to be revealed, which made me worried that the eding would be too rushed, but there was actually time for a nice ‘epilogue’. Plus, all the supporting characters were great (including the wonderfully weird housekeeper Jennifer) and the cutest dog in the world was in this. So I definitely recommend it.

9. Mystic Pop-up Bar - NEW ENTRY

As punishment for past sins, a woman must solve the grudges of 100,000 people by entering their dreams

This was an unexpected delight. I started watching it after spotting a cute gifset on tumblr (which I didn’t realise contained huge spoilers!). The story and tone is (mostly) light and quirky, and I particularly enjoyed the worldbuilding - the banal bureaucracy of the afterlife in this even reminds me a bit of The Good Place. I’m a sucker for a ‘found family’ theme and this one was done really nicely. It also had 2 main ships - one really cute and innocent, the other took me by surprise with how moving it was. Similarly, some of the episode-specific stories and characters (i.e. the individual grudges) made me tear up.

10. 100 days my prince

A Prince loses his memory during an assassination attempt and ends up living as a peasant for 100 days.

Another period piece; the plots of these seem a little repetitive (Crown prince’s life is threatened by scheming Minister) but the central cast and the romance usually makes up for it. Same for this show - I really enjoyed watching the spoiled, grumpy puppy of a Prince try to cope with manual labour, and the female lead was capable, and endearing.

Actress ASI: Suspicious partner, Shopaholic Louis

11. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo

A young talented weightlifter experiences first love

Honestly, I wasn’t sold on this at first; the female lead was a bit much (lot of gurning and over-acting) and there was a weird disconnect between how she was described (big, overweight, manly, unfeminine) and how she actually looked (thin and beautiful!). But the back half of this show saved it; her relationship with Joon-Hyung was sooooo cute. He is adorable, and they were both so supportive of each other’s dreams. I finished this with a big smile on my face.

Actor ASI: Bride of the Water God, Scarlet heart (tertiary character)

12. Are You Human Too

A mother separated from her son builds a robotic replacement. Decades later, he has to take the place of the ‘real’ son.

I loved the evolution of the robot in this - it never went the way of a full Pinnochio story, but it was fun to see him learning about the real world and how humans interact. It also posed some interesting questions - what does it mean to be human? And how would you react if you were ‘replaced’ by an artificial version?

The actor in this was fantastic. The way he could change from the real Nam Shin to Nam Shin III with the most subtle shifts in posture and facial expression was really impressive. It took me longer to warm to the female lead, and by the end she was given very little to do…but her unflinching support and unconditional love for Nam Shin III won me over. Some of the supporting characters didn’t work for me, and it was far too long…but worth a watch for the lead actor’s performance. Plus, Nam Shin III is an absolute cutie-pie.

Actor ASI: I’ll go to you when the weather is nice

13. Shopaholic Louis/ Shopping King Louis

The young, shopaholic heir to a large department store empire loses his memory and has to live as a poor man

The male lead in this is an absolute puppy dog and I ADORE him. He squeals when he sees bugs, he can’t run to save his life, and he’s the type of guy who will punch someone and immediately apologise and ask if they’re ok. He’s spoilt, entitled, demanding and has no concept of the value of money…but thanks to the actor portraying him, he just comes across as innocent, sweet and lonely (he spends all his time shopping and accumulating stuff because they fills up his empty life). The female lead is just a really nice, kind person; at first Louis seems like he’ll be just one more burden she needs to take care of, but he makes it clear from the start that she can count on him to help her too - something she’s never had before. Their relationship develops so naturally and thoroughly that you cant help but feel they are perfect for each other. I watched this with a big smile on my face.

Actor ASI: I Remember You

Actress ASI: Suspicious partner, 100 days my prince

14. Oh My Venus

The previously much-lusted after ‘Venus of Daegu’ fulfilled her dream of becoming a lawyer - but she gained weight and lost her self esteem in the process.

I adored the female lead - she was so relentlessly bright and optimistic that you couldn’t help but love her and root for her. I was a bit worried going in that there was going to be a lot of fat-shaming, but the male lead made it clear that he was more interested in her internal health than her external appearance (and you could tell he started to fall for her when she was chubby, so it wasn’t superficial in that way). I wasn’t expecting for him to become so much of the focus in the second half of the show (I thought he was just going to be a hunky trainer; I should have known better - in a Kdrama there is always a Tragic Backstory looming!). Their relationship was so natural and cute - the bit with the dimples never got old - and overall, this was a fun, easy watch.

Actress ASI: Tomorrow with you.

Actor ASI: My secret Terrius, Master’s sun.

15. A Piece of your Mind - NEW ENTRY

A classical music recording engineer meets an AI designer.

I struggled to sum-up the concept of this in one sentence, because the ‘plot’ is so arbitrary (and the AI stuff makes no sense whatsoever!). It’s really more of a mood piece - the lighting, the music and the performance combine to make this a strangely ethereal show, dealing with unrequited love, grief and the importance of human connection. It’s slow and contemplative and a little odd in its structure (there’s very little set-up, so you feel like you’ve been dropped into episode 3 of an established show). This may put some people off, but I really liked it.

I started watching it because of the leads (who I’ve loved in other shows) and they didn’t disappoint. She is so kind and lovely; he’s a little odd - like a robot learning about life. But their relationship is so beautiful (it even included one of my favourite niche tropes: insomniacs who can only sleep around each other).

Apparently the episode run was cut down from 16 to 12 because of poor ratings, which is a real shame because i think a bit more time was needed to really sell the female lead’s emotional arc. It all felt a little rushed at the end, but I still enjoyed it, and admired that it tried something a little unconventional.

Actor ASI: While you were sleeping (secondary lead).

Actress ASI: I am Not a Robot; Love in the moonlight (secondary character)

16. Rookie Historian - NEW ENTRY

An independent, educated woman choses to become one of the first female court historians, rather than get married.

This show had a really interesting premise and I enjoyed watching the rookie female historians navigate court-life (battling workplace harassment, misogyny and patriarchal values) and developing a real friendship with each other.

The female lead was fantastic - she was headstrong, pragmatic, unapologetically intelligent, a lover of books and a hater of injustice. She shared that love of books with the male lead, who was sensitive, soft-spoken, and innocent. The ultimate beta hero, who’s romantic fantasies involved him feeding her cookies and fanning her while she sleeps!

Their romance took a backseat for a lot of the show, but I didn’t mind as the plot was exploring interesting topics such as intruders from the West, catholicism, and censorship, etc.

Actor ASI: My ID is Gangnam Beauty

Actress ASI: Bride of Habaek

17. Tempted/The Great Seducer - NEW ENTRY

In an act of revenge, a wealthy heir makes a bet with his friends to seduce a hardworking female college student

10 minutes into this I started to get major Cruel Intentions vibes…which made sense when I found out it was also an adaptation of Dangerous Liaisons! It doesn’t have the dark edge or overt sexuality of Cruel Intentions (which is one of my favs) but its still good - mainly due to the male lead. I ADORED him in TKEM and he’s really good here. I’m a sucker for the ‘bad boy falls in love for the first time’ trope and he played it so well. The female lead was also good - she was self-aware, strong, intelligent and took no shit. I was less interested by the love affairs of the adults around them, but overall it was a good show.

Actor ASI: TKEM (secondary character)

18. My Love from the Star

Alien stranded on earth meets an actress soon before he’s due to be rescued.

It took a couple of goes to get into this one, but I’m glad I finally watched the whole thing (the female lead was initially very irritating, but she improved a lot). I enjoyed the present-day romance and all the flashes back to the past. However, the ending was really abrupt and disappointing (which kept it out of my favourite list). There should have been 1 less filler episode in the middle, and a decent, fleshed out finale instead.

Actor ASI: Its ok to not be ok.

Actress ASI: Legend of the blue sea

19. Because this is my First Life

A rational-to-a-fault software designer and an aspiring screenwriter come up with an unconventional way to solve their housing problem

When I started this, I thought it was going to be all light and fluffy (the main character’s job in the beginning was to insert the product placement in Korean dramas - hello, Red Ginseng! - which I found hilarious and meta) but it had a surprisingly melancholic tone throughout and touched on issues of workplace harassment and gender roles. I didn’t warm to the male lead until right at the end (which was probably partly intentional - he’s very remote and closed off) but overall I found the story quite lovely. Plus it had a really great central female friendship and their conversations actually passed the Bechdel test!

20. My shy boss / Introverted boss

An extroverted actress takes a job at a PR company working for a man with crippling shyness

This was another deceptive show; I thought from the title and the synopsis that it would just be a light opposites attract comedy about an introverted man and an extroverted woman. But I was almost in tears by the second episode when the Tragic Backstory came to light, and we saw the full extent of the Boss’ struggles to communicate with other human beings. He has such a rich, funny, and smart inner monologue, and the way he overthinks every interaction is really endearing…which makes the contrast with his silent and withdrawn external persona all the more stark and heartbreaking. You really root for him to find happiness. This was overly long (a common pitfall with these shows) and there was some distracting shaky camera work in some of the close ups. There were also implications early on about workplace sexual harassment and possibly dubious consent in a one night stand which were dropped, leaving a bit of a sour note. Despite that, it was overall fairly enjoyable and has one of the cutest confession scenes!

The OK

1. The K2

An ex-mercenary takes a job as a bodyguard protecting the illegitimate daughter of a politician. A sort-of Snow White retelling.

This started off really well; there are some amazing fight sequences (hello, shower room scene!) and JCW has never been hotter - its worth watching for him alone. However, the back half became really bogged down in double crosses and manipulations, and it focussed too much on the politicians. The writers did well to give these characters some layers, but they were all essentially doing bad things for the wrong reasons, and I just didn’t care about them. The show was much better when it was following K2’s journey. The romance also started off well, but was a bit underdeveloped (mainly because they barely interacted).

Actor ASI: Healer, suspicious partner, Backstreet rookie, Melting me softly

2.Bride of Habaek / Bride of the Water God

A God of the Land of Water visits the human realm to fulfil a task before ascending to his throne. He enlists the help of a ‘divine servant’, a down-on-her-luck psychiatrist.

I started this because I liked the lead actor. His baby-face can’t quite pull off the intensity needed for this role, but he was still cute as the arrogant, imperious God brought low by his circumstances - no money, house, powers or (most importantly to him) driving license. I also liked the female lead - she so desperately wanted to hide her kind, compassionate heart from a world that had battered and bruised her. There were some good individual scenes (especially the 'confession’ moment, which was just lovely), but the show ran out of steam towards the end, and ultimately felt like a waste of potential.

Actor ASI: Weightlifting fairy Kim Bok-joo

Actress ASI: Rookie Historian

3. Her Private Life

A talented art curator tries to keep her professional persona separate from her fangirl obsession with a pop idol.

This was cute and I loved the central relationship - he was so supportive of her, and their interactions were refreshingly mature and their banter felt really natural. Ultimately, it was a bit forgettable (I’m not dying to rewatch any of it), and the last minute tacked-on childhood trauma subplot was really unnecessary.

Actress ASI: Healer, Whats wrong with secretary kim, I’ll go to you when the weather is nice.

4. Touch Your Heart

Star actress rocked by scandal works at a law firm to prepare for her comeback role

This starred the secondary couple from Goblin and I really like them, even though they are playing very different characters in this (more opposites attract, than doomed lovers). It’s a bit too ‘cutesy’ and I had to fast forward a lot of the secondary romances which I wasn’t invested in.

5. My Secret Terrius

A secret agent on the run gets embroiled in the life of his next door neighbour - a mum of young twins.

The romance in this was underwhelming; the two characters ended in a really cute place, but it felt like set up for a story I probably would have liked more than this one. In saying that, this was still a relatively enjoyable watch; the female lead was great - she was constantly underestimated as ‘just a housewife’ but she was smarter, and more determined and resourceful than the spies around her. The male lead’s interactions with the twins were adorable, and there was a good cast of supporting characters. However, I’ve already pretty much forgotten the main espionage plot!

Actor ASI: Oh My Venus

6. Lawless Lawyer

A gangster-turned-lawyer moves to Gisung to take on corruption with the help of a suspended female attorney

I liked this more at the beginning; it reminded me a bit of Itaewon Class, with a charismatic lead, an intricately plotted revenge scheme that the audience only becomes aware of as the series progresses, and a take-no-shit female lead who was introduced hitting an authority figure! However, it never really gripped me (it took me weeks to finish) and a couple of the villains were overacting and hamming it up all over the place. But I loved the two leads, and their relationship was good, despite feeling a bit rushed.

Actor ASI: Scarlet Heart

Actress ASI: Its ok to not be ok, Hwarang (tertiary character)

7. 1% of Something - NEW ENTRY

To gain his inheritance, an arrogant, aloof CEO has to enter into a marriage contract with a sweet primary school teacher.

I liked how streamlined this was: it was just a show about two people who fall in love despite their best intentions. There was no overly complicated plot, and even the conflict that keeps them apart towards the end felt very organic and unforced.

She is a delightful ball of sunshine. He is a little overbearing but has his own charm. And bear with the bad haircut and appalling fashion sense - he improves at the end!

8. Melting Me Softly

Two people are accidentally cryogenically frozen for 20 years. They have to navigate the modern world and their new lives together.

Another good concept, but it ultimately descended into little more than a light work-place romance. Had a couple of good kissing scenes, but it was overall a bit forgettable.

Actor ASI: The K2, healer, suspicious partner, backstreet rookie

Actress ASI: Just Between Lovers

9. My Sassy Girl

A 'sassy’ princess meets an ambitious scholar in less than ideal circumstances…

I enjoyed the fact that this Joseon period drama focused on a Princess for a change, and not a prince. She came across as more 'obnoxious and immature’ than 'sassy’ in the beginning, but once it was made clear that she was actually a decent, kind person underneath, I soon warmed to her. I also liked the relationship with the male lead, which amounted to a pretty good enemies-to-lovers story. It took a bit of an unexpected turn right at the end, but my independent, feminine self was good with it. Overall, this was a pretty easy watch, but nothing special.

10. Hwarang

Follows a peasant who joins the newly-created Hwarang (Poet Warrior Youths in ancient Korea) to enact revenge for the death of his best friend

I enjoyed the scenes of the Hwarang hanging out and bonding - so many cute bromances in this! But I couldn’t really connect with the central story and romance, due to a major case of SLS (Second Lead Syndrome) - as much as I’m a fan of Park Seo-joon, I adore Park Hyung-sik, and I found his character, journey and relationship with the female lead much more compelling. The ending still managed to feel somewhat satisfying, but I won’t be rewatching any of it.

Actor ASI: Itaewon class, What’s wrong with secretary kim, Fight for my way

The BAD

1. Hyde, Jekyll and Me

A woman becomes involved in the lives of 2 men, who share one body

Hyun Bin is sooo watchable in this, especially as the slick-haired, glasses-wearing, uptight Seo-Jin. And the show started well…but quickly went off the rails into a convoluted, dragged-out revenge plot. It was a bit of a slog to get through, to be honest.

Actor ASI: CLOY

2. Queen: Love and War

The long lost twin of a recently assassinated Queen assumes her identity to enter the Bridal selection to wed the resurrected King and seek revenge.

This was a bit of a mess (as you can tell from that synopsis!); it felt like the first few episodes were rushed through as a sort of ‘prologue’ before the main thrust of the story…but that prologue contained A LOT of plot with some major character revelations that were rapidly skimmed over (e.g. the female lead was introduced as having complete amnesia; but almost out of nowhere she casually mentions that she got all her memories back and now knows who she is). Because of this, it took me a while to get a sense of who the characters really were. A lot of the usual Joseon plot points played out (scheming ministers and untrustworthy queens) but it had some unique features - I especially enjoyed the bridal selection scenes and seeing the lead female outwitting her rivals in the various challenges. But ultimately, I fast forwarded a lot of this and it was pretty forgettable.

Actress ASI: Doctor Stranger.

Actor ASI: Backstreet Rookie (secondary character)

3. Backstreet Rookie

A struggling young woman takes a part-time job at the convenience store run by her high school crush.

I was really not a fan of this show, and probably would have stopped watching if it wasn’t for Kim Yoo-jung. Her character was really likeable - kickass, but vulnerable, and so loving and kind. You were really rooting for her throughout. The show also had some interesting things to say about inequality (there was a lovely scene between the male leads’s parents in episode 10 touching on this theme)…but that’s about it for the positives.

Overall, it was just too OTT and manic and most of the characters were barely more than cartoonish caricatures. One character was actually repulsive, and the fact that he got his own romantic subplot was just gross. I’m a big fan of Ji Chang-wook, but I didn’t like some of his acting choices in this, and his character spent far too long in a relationship with another woman, which meant the main romance felt underdeveloped.

And…it ended without a kiss. I was so pissed off! I put up with 16 episodes of crap, expecting a decent pay-off at the end…but no. I wouldn’t recommend this one.

Actress ASI: Love in the Moonlight

Actor ASI: Suspicious Partner, Healer, K2, Melting me Softly

The UNCLASSIFIABLE

Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo

A modern girl is transported 1000 years into the past where she becomes embroiled in the lives of the Royal Princes.

I honestly don’t know where I stand with this one! Did I love it? Did I hate it? I seriously don’t know!

I was reluctant to start this (I knew it didn’t have a happy ending) but I was told its a rite of passage for KDrama newbies to watch this show. And there were some great things about it - the male lead was amazing! So intense and tragic, with the most arresting face. The music was also GORGEOUS, as was the scenery - the whole production felt very sumptuous. The palace intrigue stuff was also more compelling than most of the other historic dramas I’ve seen. I recognised several of the Princes from other shows, and I became really invested in 3 of them…which made the constant threat of them betraying each other/killing each other AGONISING. This show was heavy on the Emotional Torture Porn, and some of it felt gratuitous, because I just didn’t understand the motivations behind some of the plot points/character’s actions.

I also wasn’t a big fan of the female lead; partly because the actress only seemed to have 2 facial expressions to work with, but partly because and any hints that she was a modern girl with modern sensibilities quickly disappeared. It was this independence and spunk that made all the princes fall for her (to varying degrees) but she lost all of that and it left me wondering why they bothered with the time travel aspect at all.

I finished the show feeling wrung out and with the overwhelming sense of “Why? What was the point of that?”

Buuuuuut…it has lingered with me - as @talenevertold said when we were discussing the show, “Nobody enjoys it in the process… but it leaves this unique bittersweet aftertaste…” and that’s absolutely true; and it probably true that this show IS a rite of passage that everyone should watch. But don’t say I didn’t warn you!

and...The MEH (i.e. DNF):

This list is getting long! I have a bit less patience with shows than I did in the beginning - there are so many to get through, so I’m not willing to waste my time on anything that either doesn’t grip me from a story perspective, is far too slow, has mediocre acting and/or is too soapy.

Master’s sun

Tale of Nokdu

The Heirs

Meow, the Secret Boy

Love Alarm

One Spring Night

Suits

Chocolate

Doctor Stranger

The scholar who walks the night

If I’ve made a heinous mistake by dropping any of these - get in touch and plead the case for why i should give them another chance!

#kdrama #kdrama recommendations

19 notes · View notes

anythingandeverything1d · 5 years ago

Text

Kidnapped

Your POV:

Harry was performing Treat People With Kindness, one of the last songs before the encore selection, which by the way was your favorite part of the concert. You had been watching from backstage but were getting a slight headache from he chaos of the evening and decided to get some fresh air. You pushed the door open to the backstage lot where the bus was parked. Some fans screamed from a nearby fence and you smiled and waved to them. You loved that they had supported yours and Harry’s relationship so much in the past year, so whenever you had a chance, you tried to make their day. Suddenly a man came up behind you causing you to jump. “(y/n)?” he questioned. He was dressed in black joggers, a black hoodie, and was hiding his face. He was tall, muscular and kept one hand on something in his back pocket.

“Yeah....” you answered cautiously, grabbing a hold of the door handle you had just cone from. You didn't like the way this man was making you feel. He had slightly backed you into the door, continuing to move in closer, his head down and covered.

“You’re the performers girl? You’re the one dating Harry Styles?” he pressed on with an angry tone.

“Uh” you didn’t want to answer that question, in fact you didn’t want to be outside anymore, so you turned around, opening the door and trying to get back inside to where other people were. Thats when everything went downhill. The man grabbed your shirt, yanking you backwards onto the cement. You groaned in pain as your head flew into the ground and he held you down, leaning over your body. From behind his back he pulled a towel dipped in what must've been chloroform and held it around your face, his hands gripping hard at your neck. You struggled, trying to push the man off you. “Help!” you tried looking around for help, but it was no use, everyone was inside and the fans no longer had you in sight. “Harr-” you mumbled trying to call out to him one last time. Thats when your brain went blank and you lost consciousness, Harry being the last thing you thought of.

Harry’s POV:

“Thank you all so much for being an incredible crowd here tonight! You’re all amazing and I love every. single. one. of you!” Harry screamed before running backstage with the band. He was dripping in sweat and looking around confused. You never missed the encore portion of the show, it was one of your favorites. Mitch came off and walked over, clapping him on the back.

“Great job Harry.” He complimented. Harry nodded, still looking around.

“Have you seen (y/n)? She’s never missed this part of the show.”

“I haven’t seen her since the last break, maybe she went to the bus?”

“Yeah...” he mumbled looking down slightly disappointed. “I guess that's it. Maybe she wasnt feeling well?”

“I’m sure that she has a valid excuse.” Harry didn’t look convinced. He had almost become reliant upon you to make it through the last set, you being there watching gave him another burst of energy that fans seemed to love. “We could always skip the encore..” Mitch suggested noticing the concern in Harry’s face.

“No, no she's probably on the bus. Lets finish this thing.” Harry quickly threw his suit jacket on the floor and ran back on stage with a smile. “You didn’t think I was done did you?” The crowd went wild. He performed a few more songs before closing the show out for the night and walking back off stage with the band. He gave everyone a hug before looking around worried. (y/n)’s still not back?” Everyone shrugged their shoulders not sure. “I’m just going to go check the bus real quick and make sure she's okay before cleaning up.” Harry ran to the bus, waving to the fans at the fence before climbing the stairs. “Babe?” He yelled into the empty bus. “(y/n)?” he questioned again, opening the doors and checking the bunks. The bus was completely empty and Harry was getting worried. He ran back inside and found the band collecting their instruments from the stage. “(y/n) wasn’t on the bus has she come through here?” He was tearing his fingers through his hair anxiously, his foot tapping the floor.

Adam looked up and shook his head, “No, but we can help look around here.” The band nodded and everyone went in different directions. Harry had called your phone probably close to 100 times with no success. Everyone met back behind the stage and Mitch stepped forward.

“I didn’t find her, but I did find her phone..” He handed the iPhone to Harry who looked at the cracked screen and shook his head.

“This wasnt like this before, and (y/n) never just leaves her phone on the ground. Something has to be wrong.”

“Harry..if youre worried about it, maybe you should check with security or the police. Maybe they saw her leave or-”

“She wouldn't have just left during the concert.” Harry took off running to find security. His heart was racing and he was feeling dizzy, his head spinning in all different directions trying to process why you would have left. Harry’s guards said they hadn’t seen (y/n) in a couple hours, which only added to the anxiety growing in his chest.

It had been over an hour since Harry had started looking and he was starting to feel sick to his stomach. He had called your family, your friends, and even your ex boyfriend, but no one had heard anything from you in hours. He was down to his last resort. He contacted the police.

“Mr. Styles, when was the last time you saw (y/n)?” the officer questioned. He had sat Harry down in one of the dressing rooms and had been asking what Harry presumed were unimportant questions the entire 30 minutes he had been here.

“Look I don't know it was during the show. Its not like her to just leave though especially without her phone. She’s never not been at one of my concerts.”

“Had the two of you gotten into any arguments recently?” Harry’s mouth dropped and he stood up frustrated.

“If you're not going to actually look for her, I’ll find someone else. I’ll-” Harry stopped when another officer walked in with Clare. She looked at Harry with tears in her eyes. “Clare?” he questioned.

The first officer cut him off, “We have filed a missing persons report Harry, we are just looking for signs as to what may have happened. Getting to know what you and (y/n)’s relationship was like could be a hint as to where she would have gone” A second officer walked in with a sad expression on his face, cutting off the conversation.

“Mr. Styles, after checking security cameras we did find something. I brought the footage however I am going to warn you..its not easy to watch.” Harry grabbed the iPad and watched the screen. He watched the love of his life be thrown to the ground, drugged, and then carried away by some guy. Harry dropped to the floor on his knees, his head fell into his hands and tears fell down his cheeks. He kept rewatching the scene, the man asking about him, you calling out for help, and then him dragging your body into a car.

“This is my fault.”

“Harry no-” Clare tried. Mitch, Adam, and Sarah had joined the room at this point and everyone was trying to make Harry feel better, but there was very little that could calm him at this point.

“She could be dead.”

“Harry-” Mitch tried. The other officer interrupted.

“In most cases of kidnappings, they use the person of interest as a hostage. Looking for money or whatever else. There’s a good chance she's alive. We have every officer on duty keeping an eye out for the car they went into. We have investigators doing their job as well. The best thing you can do is rest and wait patiently for our department to do what they do best.” Harry slowly nodded and looked down at the floor. It was almost midnight and everyone was exhausted, but there was no way harry could sleep at a time like this.

“Harry we can wait up with you.” Adam suggested but Harry shook his head slightly.

“No. That’s okay, you should all get some rest. I’ll wait here for news and if theres anything I can let you know.” They all nodded, following the officers from the room. Harry sat on the couch, he felt like he was going to get sick. He felt like it was his fault. He was scrolling through twitter when he saw the post. Someone had recorded the whole thing, tagging Harry and begging people to help. Harry retweeted the post asking for everyone in the area to be on the look out for the car. Pretty soon it was trending worldwide. He thought that people knowing and looking would make him feel better, but it only worried him more. He did the only sensible thing he could. He dialed the phone, crying “Mum.”

Your POV:

You woke up with a pounding headache, a sore body, and in a dark room. “Harry?” you called out confused but as your brain slowly came back into focus you remembered what had happened. You were locked in some kind of room, you could see a light coming from underneath the door and heard people on the other side. You looked around for something to help you out of the situation but nothing was there. The door opened and you recognized the guy walking in as the one who had originally attacked you. You backed up against the wall and he smiled.

“Glad to see your awake.” He grabbed your arm and pulled you into the room. sitting you in a chair and tying your hands behind your back. “You are playing an important role in our little operation here ya know?”

“What do you want? Look If you just let me go, Harry he can get you whatever money you want.”

“Oh no no. I don't want money. I want Styles to pay. I want him to suffer.”

Harry’s POV:

After talking to his mum, Harry felt a little better. He had gotten a snack and even turned on the tv. He knew that the police were doing everything they could he just wanted them to work faster. He was nearly asleep when his phone rang. The officer calling had located the car and the building where (y/n) was. They were moving in to extract her from the location now and would call back when they had more information. “Wheres it at? I want to be there when she gets out.”

“Mr. Styles I advise against that-”

“Where is she at.” He growled. The officer reluctantly gave up the location and Harry had driven straight there. His heart was pounding, tears were threatening to spill from his eyes, and cop cars were everywhere. He watched as officers with guns out moved in towards the building, announcing their presence and asking for a surrender . Harry walked up to the line, trying to follow suit but was held back by an officer, saying “You going in could be the death of your girl if you walk in there Mr. Styles.” That stopped him he didn't want to risk the safety of (y/n) anymore than he already had. He anxiously paced waiting for everyone to come out. There were gun shots inside and Harry dropped to his knees, crying.

Your POV:

The guy shot at an officer, missing. The officer shot the guy in the shoulder yelling surrender. You were crying. You were still tied up in the chair when more officers rushed inside and cut the ropes. They shouted at you to put your hands up and you followed their instructions as they led you out of the building. You were scared and tired but all you wanted was Harry. You wanted the comfort of his arms, his smell, his voice. You wanted him to hold tight and never let go. You wanted to go home. You heard your name being shouted and looked up, Harry was being restrained by an officer and you sprinted over to him. The officer dropped Harry and you flung into his arms, sobs echoing through your chest. He held you tightly, his tears dropping onto your head as he tried comforting you. “Youre okay baby... youre safe and no one is ever going to hurt you again. I swear I won't let anyone hurt you.” An officer tried escorting you into the car for a statement but you refused to let go of Harry. Harry told the officer he would drive you to the station in his car, but you still refused to let go. “(y/n) we need to do this so we can go home. I need you to let go baby.” he whispered. You nodded against his chest and reluctantly let go, getting into the car. You didn’t talk in the car but Harry held his hand on yours the whole way. At the station Harry sat with you while you retold the story over and over again and when you were finally done he took you home. You crawled into bed with him even though it was almost 5am. He held you close, rubbing your back and whispering softly. “Shh baby just try to sleep okay.”

You were still crying, gripping onto Harry for life. “You won't be here though...You won't”

“(y/n...shhh” Harry kissed your head and tilted your chin so you were looking into his eyes. “I am not leaving you. Not now. Not ever. I cancelled the show tonight. Youre more important and we are going to take time getting back into things. I want to arrange more security for you before any events start. Baby just rest okay? I promise you I am not moving until you move out of this bed first.” He kissed your lips softly and pulled the comforter up so it touched your ear, tucking you in just the way you liked. He started gently singing your favorite song and your eyes were closing. “I love you baby.”

“I love you Harry.” He kissed your nose and continued on with the song. You finally felt safe again, snuggled into the chest of Harry and listening to the sound of his heart paired with his voice. For the first time in what seemed like forever you felt safe again.

Hope whoever requested this enjoys! It’s not something I would normally tackle but I did my best lol

#one direction #directioners #one direction fanfiction #one direction imagines #Harry Styles #harrystyles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagines #harry styles imagine

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