#resilience that was founded on so so so many years of fear & pain & isolation that nobody saved him from

[cathymee]

ughhh something that never fails to make me so emotional is when i encounter that video on my feed of the baby that looks like mj watching the actual baby mj performing on the ed sullivan show and the comments would always be sooo warm. saying things like 'that's michael the 2nd time around treat him right this time'. 'get your childhood back mike' and um. 🥺🥺

[bellaandme2025]

In 2016 and early 2017, my ex left me to live a homeless life on the streets. I was alone, sleeping under a picnic shelter in the cold night after night. It was one of the darkest periods of my life. In June 2017, a lady I worked with invited me to live with her in her apartment, offering me her couch to sleep on. Her kindness felt like a lifeline, and I stayed with her for five years. During that time, we moved into a rental house owned by someone we both knew from work. The house was full of people, including her family and descendants, all living under the same roof.

When 2020 arrived, the pandemic brought a new wave of struggles. I felt overwhelmed by depression and fear. The isolation and uncertainty were suffocating, but I found solace in Andrea Bocelli’s music. Even though I couldn’t understand the Spanish and Italian lyrics, my heart understood the emotions. His voice became a source of comfort, helping me feel less alone.

After five years, my living situation with her became increasingly difficult. My finances were often taken advantage of, and I was offered a chance to move in with an older man who was a regular customer at my job. However, this new chapter was no better. He began mentally and emotionally abusing me, often yelling in violent rages and blaming me for things I didn’t do. It was a toxic environment, but I had nowhere else to go. I stayed for a year and a half until he found an 80-year-old plumbing leak in his home and falsely blamed me for it. He kicked me out, leaving me homeless once again.

A former elementary school teacher, who had become a dear friend, helped me find a safer place to live. I moved in with a young woman and stayed there for a year. Unfortunately, while I was in the hospital seeking help for depression, she kicked me out as well.

Throughout my life, I have faced mistreatment from employers, friends, and the people I trusted most. The weight of it all could have hardened me, but I chose a different path. I am a firm believer in Jesus, and my faith has taught me the power of forgiveness. People who hurt others often carry their own pain, and I’ve found peace in letting go of anger and resentment.

Today, I am happier than I have been in years. I live in my own home with my sweet grey tabby cat, who brings so much comfort and joy to my life. For the first time in many years, the holiday season hasn’t brought the anxiety and sadness it once did. Instead, I feel light, hopeful, and ready to embrace the new year.

As 2025 approaches, I’m filled with gratitude and anticipation. The challenges of the past have shaped me, but they don’t define me. I’m ready to continue building a life filled with joy, purpose, and peace. Here’s to a brighter future and the resilience that brought me here.

[brutclhonesty]

★ spotted!! RYLAN YOUNG on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 28 year old looks like MADELAINE PETSCH, but i don’t really see it. while the MAKEUP ARTIST is known for being SHARP WITTED my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be HARSH i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song SHE’S SO MEAN by MATCHBOX TWENTY

details.

name: rylan young

dob: may 20th, 1996

zodiac: taurus

face claim: madelaine petsch

gender identity: cis female

sexuality: bisexual

profession: makeup artist

hometown: san diego, ca

spoken languages: english

positive traits: resilient, creative, strong, bold, fearless

negative traits: emotionally detached, self-medicating, guarded, afraid to be vulnerable

about.

Rylan Young was born into the glamorous world of celebrity but was given up for adoption by her famous mother when she was just a newborn. Her birth mother, a well-known actress, couldn’t keep her due to the pressures of fame and a demanding career. Rylan was adopted by a loving but financially modest couple who did their best to give her a stable home.

Unfortunately, tragedy struck when Rylan’s father passed away when she was fifteen. Her mother, overwhelmed by grief and frustration, began to turn her anger towards Rylan, blaming her for the loss of her husband. The once warm and supportive home became a place of blame and hostility.

Feeling trapped and unloved, Rylan decided to leave her small town and move up to Los Angeles as soon as she graduated high school. Her goal was both to find her birth parents and also figure out a life for herself in a different place, one with less ghosts than her home town. While she didn't actually meet her biological father, the move marked a new chapter in her life.

In Los Angeles, Rylan found a way to channel her creativity into a career as a makeup artist, attending cosmetology school and quickly building a name for herself in the competitive Hollywood scene, working with many celebrities and taking part in many award winning films and shows. Her determination made her hard to ignore, and her talent plus her work ethic is what keeps her steadily employed.

Now twenty-eight, with a striking appearance of vibrant red hair and an edgy style that matches her guarded personality, she is a hard to ignore. Her childhood traumas and the difficult relationship with her mother have made her very wary of forming close connections, which means Rylan keeps people at arm’s length, choosing to remain emotionally distant and cold. Despite this, she has a reputation for being the life of the party. She often immerses herself in the nightlife, using social events and parties as a way to numb the pain of her past and escape from her feelings of loneliness.

Rylan is incredibly resilient, and works hard to channel all her frustration and emotions into her work. Despite the hardships she faced, she managed to carve out a successful career in a tough industry. Her ability to reinvent herself and keep pushing forward is a testament to her strength.

However, she can be emotionally detached, and has a tendency to self-medicate through partying. Her guarded nature makes it hard for her to form meaningful relationships, and her fear of vulnerability often leaves her feeling isolated.

[formlines]

Serpent Cycle 

Dylan Thomas 

From the website: Serpent Cycle is a representation of the spiritual awakening of Stutsun – one the “First Ancestors” of the Cowichan People – but also an overarching symbol of humankind's ability to bravely face their fears and challenges throughout life. In Cowichan mythology, Syalutsa (the first human-like being who descended to earth from the spirit world) teaches Stutsun (the second being on earth) how to acquire spiritual insights through vision quests that involve fasting, cold water bathing, and isolation. During his journey, while bathing in Lake Cowichan, Stutsun encounters a Siin’lqi (pronounced “suh-in-ul-kee”) – a supernatural two-headed Serpent that possesses immense spiritual powers. While this would be a terrifying encounter for any being, due to his spiritual practices, Stutsun faces the serpent without fear and it flies away without harming him. On a culturally specific level, this legend has, for thousands of years, taught young Salish people about the transformative powers of their spiritual traditions (many of which are still being practiced today). But on a more universal level, this legend communicates the value of developing the strength, courage and resilience that will allow one to bravely face the many painful and intimidating challenges that life inevitably presents. Contrary to the serpents found in many Western mythologies, Salish serpents are not a symbol of evil or malice. The Siin’lqi is a sacred being that represents the paradox of life challenges: they can either significantly harm a person – or, if faced in a noble fashion, they can become the catalyst for significant growth and allow one to become stronger and wiser. For this reason, the Siin’lqi is revered by Salish cultures and two-headed serpents are one of the most common images on traditional Salish art. Iconographically, the Siin’lqi takes many forms. Since it is a supernatural, spiritual being – it can take many appearances and this amorphous nature is reflected in the historical catalogue of Salish artifacts. At times, the Siin’lqi is depicted in a classical snake-like form – but with an additional head. But much of the time, it appears with a series of wolf-like limbs – ranging from only the two front paws, to multiple limbs running down the length of the body. So I used “Serpent Cycle” to both honor the story of Stutsun and the Siin’lqi, and to symbolize the inevitable cycles that every human life takes: oscillating between easier and difficult phases. To emphasize the cyclic nature of life’s challenges, I changed the central face into an anthropomorphic Moon – which is a symbol of rhythms and cycles in Salish culture. For the colors, I chose a deep navy blue for the background to create a nighttime tone to complement the moon. While the moon was white for naturalistic reasons, I also made the serpent white to indicate its spectral and supernatural nature. The pastel green and peach were chosen as accent colors simply because, aesthetically, I liked their effect on the blue and white. - Dylan Thomas

[bonjour-rainycity]

The Siren

Requested by @lifm06: Jasper x Reader where the reader is a siren and Jasper’s supernatural mate, but she doesn’t want to hurt Alice after seeing them kiss. So she runs away and a rogue vampire turns her and Jasper finds her collapsed on the floor during the process. After waking up, she gets hungry for real food and this confuses the Cullens and they find out she only half-transformed but still gets all the same cool powers and stuff.

A/n Hey there, thanks for the request! For the purposes of this story, I messed with canon. Alice and Jasper aren’t married — he’s new to the Cullen family (like within a year or two) and is currently dating Alice, seeing if they’re a good fit. Also, I’ve vaguely set this one at a university, hope that’s alright!

Pairing: Jasper X Female Reader

Disclaimer: I am not making any money from this nor do I own anything recognizable

Word count: 2418

Warnings: Mild descriptions of violence

“And aside from your book selections, no homework over the weekend.” The professor grins conspiratorially at the rejuvenated atmosphere in the classroom. “You’re welcome. Enjoy Homecoming.”

Gathering my items, I exit the classroom quickly, hoping to make it to my car before anyone can flag me down. It’s been a long, stressful day, and I want nothing more than to go home and relax in a wonderfully hot bath.

“Hey, Y/n!” A high-pitched voice chirps from below my ear and a cold, skinny arm wraps around my elbow.

“Alice,” I beam, unable to be annoyed at one of my favorite friends.

“You’re coming tonight, right?”

I grimace, quickly searching for an excuse.

She squints, frustration etching lines into her usually-smooth face. As I decide on and then discard various reasons for my absence at the Homecoming party tonight, staticky visions fly through her mind, just hazy enough to prevent her from interpreting them.

She doesn’t know I know she’s struggling to see my future. She doesn’t know I know she has visions, or that Edward can’t read my mind, or that she and her family are vampires.

She doesn’t know that I’m not human.

My supernatural attributes are even more subtle than vampire’s. I look and act and feel and die just like a human, but something is off. Something is different. When I argue with someone, they agree with me. When I ask for a lower price, it’s given. When I sing, people have no choice but to follow, even if I were leading them to their death.

My voice holds all my power.

Although Alice and I are both not human, I haven’t convinced myself to tell her that I’m a siren and that I know she’s a vampire. I would, really, if not for one terrible, awful, life-ruining fact.

I’m in love with her boyfriend.

From the minute Jasper walked into the lecture hall, I knew he was it. I felt the call of the heart, the soul, the sea, whatever, because I felt it all. I felt it so strongly, I thought I might collapse under the force of it.

And he walked past my seat like I was nothing to him.

Crushing as that was, after some research, I began to understand it better. I come from a long line of sirens, so I have the benefit of being aware of other supernatural beings. To the Cullens though, I must appear to be nothing more than a Shield -- capable of blocking their powers, but a human still. There’s no way for Jasper to know my feelings, because we operate on different wavelengths. And because vampires live forever, they can take their time forming connections — it’s not immediate like it is for sirens.

So I resolved to be patient. Over the course of months, Jasper and I developed a close friendship, teetering on the edge of something more. It was thrilling, wonderful, and painful all at once.

And then, four months ago, my best friend Alice confided in me that she and Jasper had gotten together.

It had nearly broken me. And while I love Alice like a sister and would never interfere with her happiness, I also don’t want to put myself in a position where I might see her and Jasper together.

Hence my hesitance to attend the party tonight.

“I really do have a lot of homework—”

“Y/n please, half the school will be there,” she whines, tugging on my arm impatiently.

That’s true…half the school will be there…I can have a fun night and never have to see her and Jasper together. So without much more of a fight, I agree.

{***}

The party is loud and wild and messy and fun. I dance with friends and strangers alike, celebrating the success of our football team and the new school year. The gathering is much too big to be held indoors, so we dance in the moonlight, in a large clearing not too far into the forest. I’m never alone — someone always seeks me out. It’s an unintended side-effect of being a siren, one that, even after many years, I still don’t feel accustomed to.

One of my acquaintances, Cleo, pulls me to the side for another drink, and towards the entrance of the clearing, I see them.

Jasper, the one I am meant to be with, holds my best friend Alice tightly against him, kissing her fiercely.

Pain pierces deep in my stomach and I drop my cup, fighting back tears.

“I—I have to go.”

Cleo calls after me, but I’m already gone, running through the sea of people in the opposite direction, into the woods.

{***}

The moon is much higher in the sky when I finally stop running. Panting, I sink to the ground, not sure if I’m gasping from exertion or my sobs. When I go to wipe my eyes, I notice the blood on my arms. I must’ve run through brambles or thorn bushes, but I have no real memory of it.

The only thing I can remember is seeing my love with someone else.

“Why are you crying?”

I whip my head up, expecting to have been alone.

A few yards in front of me stands a man possessing the type of beauty only afforded to the supernatural.

And his eyes shine bright red.

Oh no.

“N-nothing,” I stutter, fear momentarily pushing the emotional pain to the side. “I was just taking a break from a party, but I should be getting back now.”

“Yes,” he murmurs, taking slow steps forward. “The revelry can be heard for miles — I will admit that I have been waiting for one to isolate themselves. The woods are dark and dangerous and when you mix in alcohol well…disappearances can be better-explained.”

I swallow at his menacing words, pushing myself up to my feet.

Before I can make any further movement, the man comes behind me, holding me in a vice-like grip. “Fear not, young one,” he purrs, stroking his nose along my neck. “I shall be quick.”

Resolve settles within me, and I remember who I am. I am a siren, and my voice is my power!

“You will not kill me,” I declare in the sweetest, most enchanting voice possible.

I feel him physically weaken at my words, but I waited too long to speak.

His teeth are already sinking into my skin.

White-hot pain, more horrible than anything I’ve ever experienced, rips through my body and, with a shriek of agony, I fall to the ground.

The vampire looks upon me with a mixture of regret and pity. “I will not kill you,” he murmurs, still caught under the force of my words.

And with that, he flees, disappearing into the night.

I don’t know how long I writhe on the ground, begging, screaming for someone to help me, to make the pain stop.

But it only spreads.

After what seems like an eternity, the pain covers my entire body, and my vision goes black.

{***}

“Y/n?”

Though the pain, an angelic voice floats to my ears.

I try to respond, to reach towards it, but all I can manage is a scream.

“Oh my God,” the angel breathes, horror apparent in his voice.

Is he in pain too?! Has the fire reached my beloved?!

I begin to panic, trying to claw through the pain to get to him.

“Shh, shh, it’s alright,” the voice soothes, pulling me into an embrace that feels like home.

He’s silent for a moment, cradling my head in his hand, and then he speaks again.

“This is the first time I’ve been able to feel what you feel…” His voice sounds breathy, dazed, and I try to open my eyes, without success.

As much as I want to stay here with him, to be cognizant of his touch, his voice, the pain is too strong, and I sink into its clutches once more.

{***}

When the pain finally recedes from my body, I open new eyes.

The world around me has changed too, it seems. Everything is sharper, clearer, louder, more intense.

And when I look down and see Jasper holding my hand, I realize that my feelings for him have intensified, too. Somehow, I love him even more than I previously thought possible.

He nods, gripping my hand tighter. “I feel it too.”

“Y/n.” A soft voice to my right requests my attention, and I reluctantly turn my gaze from my beloved’s topaz eyes to greet those of Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He offers me a hesitant smile, clearly trying to make himself seem non-threatening. “I’m glad to see you awake and out of pain. How are you feeling?”

I shrug, at a loss for how to describe it all. I still feel like me, yes, but I feel….more. I feel the input of heightened senses and the resilient nature of my new body. “Different,” I decide, knowing that word will have to do it for now. “Where am I?”

“At our home,” a voice answers from behind me, and I jump off the bed, having previously been unaware of this third guest.

Edward Cullen stands there, hands raised in the universal show of surrender. “I’m sorry, I should’ve made my presence known. You can relax now, no harm will come to you here.”

It’s then that I notice that, in the mere span of half a second, I have thrown myself from the bed and into a defensive position, baring my teeth.

It’s Edward, I remind myself. You know him, he’s nice. Calm down.

I force myself to relax. 

An intrigued look crosses his face. “I’d never been able to read your mind before today. I guess that’s an effect of the transformation.”

Transformation…meaning…

“I’m a vampire,” I realize, hands flying to my too-smooth skin.

“Yes,” Jasper breathes, placing a light hand on my arm. “I found you in the woods a few days ago, I’m sorry…I couldn’t stop it.”

He turns to face me then, regret plain in his features. I shake my head, wanting badly to stop his sadness. “No, it’s okay, I…well the pain wasn’t ideal, but that’s done now. I do wonder how this will fit with my other abilities, though…”

Carlisle furrows a curious eyebrow. “Your other abilities?”

“You’re a siren,” Edward gasps, pulling the thought from my head. “Or at least, you were…we’ll have to get Alice, see if she can see anything of your future. That might help us figure some things out.”

Alice. I glance to Jasper at my side, then quickly look away. I shouldn’t be this close to him. “Where is Alice?” Surely she would want to be here, as my best friend?

Edward shakes his head slowly, looking conflicted. “She wanted to be here, but she needed some time to herself. She—” he clears his throat, looking to Jasper for help.

Jasper squeezes my hand in his, prompting me to look at him. “When you changed, so did my future. It shifted and, well, didn’t include her in the way it might’ve before.”

Oh.

Oh!

Oh wow, I feel awful.

“Don’t,” Edward and Jasper protest at the same time.

“She’ll be alright,” Carlisle confirms, offering me an encouraging smile. “She has a world of other possibilities open to her, and she knows it. She’ll be back in a few weeks at most. And until then, we need to teach you how to be a vampire.”

I smile weakly, a twinge of discomfort in my stomach making itself known. “Can it wait until after dinner? I feel like I haven’t eaten in days.”

“Of course,” Carlisle nods, indicating to the nearby window. “If you follow us to the forest, we will teach you how to hunt.”

“Um—” I hesitate. “Won’t that take a while? I can smell the meat in the fridge now, could we just make that and go hunting tomorrow?”

I’m met with three sets of hopelessly confused eyes.

“You…want human food?” Jasper tilts his head, uncomprehending.

I stare at him, equally questioning. “Yes? Oh—” Realization hits me. “I should want blood, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes,” Carlisle nods, studying me closely. “You say you are a siren? Perhaps that stopped the full transformation from taking effect somehow.”

Worry pools within me. Am I not a proper vampire?

Edward shakes his head, knowing my thoughts. “No, you seem to be like us on the surface — you just don’t have the desire for blood. We should explore more in-depth though. For example, what of your lifespan? Will it be indefinite, or limited to the constraints of a human or a siren? Are you as strong as us, or are you holding on to human traits that make you weaker?”

Jasper senses my rising anxiety and places a hand on my shoulder. “There is certainly a lot to discuss, but we should do it after you eat.”

We go downstairs and Esme, one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, welcomes me with open arms and does her best to prepare the food she has on hand. I help a little, having been mortal the most recently.

After dinner, I meet the rest of the family, and they all join us outside for tests of my new abilities.

{***}

Nearly two days later, we’ve determined that I am a vampire.

Just not all the way.

It seems the siren in me stopped the full transformation from taking place, and I occupy a sort of half-state.

I am fast and strong, though not as much as my full-vampire counterparts. My senses are better than a human’s and almost as good as a vampire’s. My skin is just as hard and cold as a vampire’s. My eyes are currently red, though Carlisle thinks they will turn back to my usual color once my human blood fades from my system, providing I abstain from blood of any sort.

Perhaps the most interesting, is that my voice, already strong before my transformation, has only grown in power. I can bring Emmett—one of the strongest vampires we know of—to the ground with just a few words. It’s all very interesting.

The only matter we have yet to resolve is my life-span.

None of us know how long I will live.

My emotions tell Jasper where my thoughts lie. “We’ll figure it out,” he mutters, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

I sigh, leaning back against his chest and enjoying his embrace. Because whatever time I have with him, I intend to soak it up for all it’s worth.

A/n Thanks for reading! If you have a moment, check out my masterlist :)

[socratoteles]

A year to get Ph.D in letting go

The last time I was here, I wrote that perhaps it was time for me to go out and just enjoy the world. And amid the global pandemic, I sort of managed to do that. It was such a lifesaver in a year of goodbyes. I`ll get to that, but let me begin with my coronavirus scare.

On March 4 last year, I was away in Bandung, aware but not worried of some obscure virus that triggered a total lockdown in some Chinese cities. That very same day was also the time when my colleagues came in contact with a man who later confirmed of having contracted COVID-19.

That was how close I was of contracting the virus. Had I not taken a paid leave to write last year’s essay in the city where I was born, chances were high that I was another case as well, at that early stage of the pandemic too. I`m still familiar with the helplessness that came after I checked in to a hospital only to being denied the test (the nurse reasoned that the contact with my colleagues, who might catch the virus from the confirmed man, cannot be categorized as close contact).

And that experience, of confusion and fear of infecting loved ones, left a lasting impression that shaped my behavior going forward. After all, it takes a pandemic to make wearing mask and washing hands could made the difference between life and death.

Covid-induced isolation meant that I spent most of my time being holed up in my room for the past 12 months. To this day the side effects of this solitary existence is still beyond my full grasp. On one hand, this situation had brought out my inner resiliency, resourcefulness and adaptability in the long days and night when things were just so dark. On the other hand, it also forced me to deal with unresolved traumas and numerous intrusive thoughts, which I will get into later.

People get really creative during the long locked-down days, spending it doing viral social media challenges one after the other. Videoconferencing become a thing on its own and for some reason loads of folks played a game named Among Us too, perhaps to remind themselves of the interactions cruelly torn apart because of the virus.

There was also a newfound awareness on class too, because the coronavirus disproportionately affected different individuals with different income level. At least on my part, I was lucky that essential workers (the pandemic elevated the phrase into such a buzzword) near my place were safe and somehow never contracted the virus. It is worth mentioning that I definitely cannot survive this long if not for the minimarket workers, ride-hailing drivers and dozens of cooks, all of whom must have worked in long hours, despite knowing the risk, just to keep their families fed.

Others, however, were not so lucky. the SARS-CoV-2 had infected more than a million Indonesians a year after it was officially detected in these shores. Millions have lost their jobs as economic activities ground to a halt. The place I currently work was not an exception. Massive layoffs would have happened in my office had the shareholders have enough money to properly compensate their workers.

It was an obviously eye-opening experience to calculate my own severance pay and make sure I could survive on that for as long as possible. The prospect of losing your income during the pandemic –which should be that particular time for anyone to hold on to their what-ifs money– was really awful.

This is the paragraph where I say that I wish nothing but the best for those who left the company simply because they deserve nothing less than that.

But there was another reason why I signed up for a help from professional therapist last year. In the latter part of last year, things got very, very grim. At the risk of oversimplification, let’s just say that I was unable to express my feelings properly to a girl that I really liked, right at the most critical moment when probably both of us needed support from each other. She eventually left with another guy.

Days before that fateful event happened, I was quietly bearing my own burden. After years of convincing myself that I was okay, I was, in fact, not okay, at least mentally. Years of trauma have caught up. It’s too personal to even spell that out here but I`ll just quote this Youtuber just to describe a fitting metaphor. 

“You see, human identity is like a house of card. One that’s always expanding. A story that is ever developing and always referred back to because every memory becomes a new card. Trauma is when a card doesn’t fit because the experience itself is so painful that it’s incompatible with everything else and if you become obsessed with making it fit the whole house of cards can fall apart and you lose the confidence to build anything new.”

Basically, my house of cards came crashing down, hard. At a time, it reduced me into this insecure soul who were unsure that people will accept me for who I was.

The last time I felt this way was a couple years back when my parent’s divorce was formalized. A girlfriend turned ex-girlfriend at that time too. Apparently, the universe has a cruel sense of timing to combine existential crisis with a relationship one.

The road to recovery was rocky, to say the least. I know something fundamental must be addressed, hence the therapy session.

I`m grateful for the company of my friends, either offline or online. (yes, I had become quite loose in terms of isolation because I know I had to prioritize my mental health; COVID-19 be damned). I`m also glad to say that because I talked with my friends about this issue, some of them were also encouraged to seek professional help.

At the height of my despair, I watched La Grande Bellezza (probably for a half a dozen time already) again and found this quote, spoken by the protagonist Jep Gambardella:

“We’re all on the brink of despair. We can only look each other in the face, keep each other company, kid each other a bit. Don’t you agree?”

Someone was kind enough to upload the entire scene on Youtube.

I decided that all bets are off, so I purchased books, many of which had been on my to-read list for years because I know I`ll have to read it when I search for a catharsis. That was how I finally read the Camus’ Myth of Sisyphus, from which I managed to understand what he meant by the absurdities of life. Into the Wild, excellently written by Jon Krakauer, broke my heart too because of Chris Mccandles’ tales somehow mimicked my own, minus the grand adventure part. I finally read Alan Watts too, from whom I learned that efforts to avoid from pain is painful in itself.

And music, a constant part of my life as I know it, helps too. I was saved because Fleet Foxes released a life-affirming record that fittingly spoke about relief, gratitude, and seasonal rebirth. During the darkest days I was just alone with my guitar in my room, terribly singing out the words that these musicians carved out of their soul to release my emotional burden. I was particularly grateful for being reminded time and again that “no one gets it right” but “we’re all supposed to try”.

I made a playlist containing songs that for me served as a reminder to be gentle for myself. You can check that here.

All of that was a roundabout way to say that I indeed, was able to go out amid the pandemic. On one afternoon I just said fuck it, I need to go out and see things. That led me to a weekly socially-distanced walk around the neighborhood, which was therapeutic in itself because the walks allowed me to be fully present and be sensitive to the sights and sounds and smells around me. Nothing is more liberating that allowing your feet to go where it you to go.

I don’t have the full answers yet, but as I wrote his essay, I`m glad to be able to say that I have rebuild my house of cards, with some of the bad cards included as well. It was quite a bumpy ride but when I looked back, this particular tweet was eerily prescient because it rings true today as was the day I tweeted it.

But I walked away from the depths of that bottomless pit not only with knowledge, but also of understanding the parts that made me who I am. I`m also humbled after I saw the abyss for the second time because it suggests that there might be another time when I found myself on the edge of despair.

I`ll never forget the fact that these hard-won lessons came on the back of years of pain, grief and suffering. But it also came on the heels of moments of simple walk in the setting sun and feeling the breeze on the beach too. In fact, I have made it my mission going forward to acknowledge both good and bad things as they are. Because forcing yourself to remember all the bright things when you were in the dark, and vice versa, is a form of self-torture. I hope this essay somehow do that mission justice.

I have said goodbyes to many things in life as the crisis comes and goes, but 2020 goodbyes were simply different. So much so that I thought I have a PhD in letting go already, however absurd that idea is.

[gstqaobc]

THE ROYAL FASCINATOR

Friday, May 21, 2021

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Janet DavisonRoyal Expert

Meeting the Queen online

For Dr. Steve Beerman, it was in many ways like having a pleasant conversation with his 92-year-old mother. Except it wasn’t his mother. It was the Queen. Beerman, a retired family physician in Nanaimo, B.C., spoke with Queen Elizabeth online the other day as she gave him — virtually — an award recognizing his longstanding work in drowning prevention. “I’m very delighted to be able to present you with this cup, a very large cup, which one day you might see if you come to London,” Elizabeth told Beerman as she honoured him with the King Edward VII Cup during the virtual session with the Royal Life Saving Society. Beerman, co-chair of the Canadian Drowning Prevention Coalition, was quick to reply that it was “a pleasure and a humbling honour to be with you.” Being with the Queen in this way has become the way of the royal world during the pandemic. Many observers have said that virtual sessions involving the Queen have offered new insight into the 95-year-old monarch, who has more often been seen from afar, giving formal speeches or doing a walkabout. “Many people who commented to me about the interview [said] that they had never seen her have what they would describe as a nearly normal conversation with some people,” Beerman said. “My own mother is 92. This was not a whole lot different than talking to my own mother.” Beerman, a trustee with the Royal Life Saving Society, had met the Queen at Buckingham Palace a handful of times in connection with that Commonwealth organization. But his most recent session with her was memorable in a new way. “It was more chatty,” he said. “It was more communicative than when I’ve experienced these encounters in real life, face to face. So I thought this was actually a better way to do this.” A seven-minute video of the session involving Beerman and others honoured for their drowning prevention efforts was posted online, but the overall virtual encounter lasted about 20 minutes, and came after participants had two practice sessions. “In the second one, we actually rehearsed what we were going to say and we were coached in a very nice way by the people from the royal household about pausing and being slow enough to allow her to interject with comments or questions,” Beerman said. “We were very much encouraged to participate in a conversation as opposed to doing an acceptance speech.” Still, there was a bit of nervousness for Beerman as the call began. “There’s always some nerves about are you going to misstep or say something in a way you might regret or that might be perceived to be awkward by others,” he said. As the conversation progressed, Elizabeth shared her own memories of receiving a life-saving award as a teenager. In 1941, she became the first person in the Commonwealth to receive the Royal Life Saving Society’s junior respiration award. “I didn’t realize I was the first one — I just did it, and had to work very hard for it,” Elizabeth said. “It was a great achievement and I was very proud to wear the badge on the front of my swimming suit. It was very grand, I thought.” Beerman sees the shift to the virtual world for the Royal Family as a signal the House of Windsor can change with the times. “I think it’s a strong statement of ... we can pivot when we need to, we are flexible, adjustable and, like the rest of the world, we have to respond to the reality that we live within.”

The deceit behind the Diana interview

The interview was as devastating as it was haunting. And now, 26 years after Diana, Princess of Wales, sat down with a BBC journalist and told the world “there were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded,” an inquiry has found that Martin Bashir acted deceitfully to gain the interview. It’s a finding that will echo through both the royal and journalistic worlds.   In response, Princes William and Harry made statements that lay bare the deep pain the interview with their mother has left with them. “It is my view that the deceitful way the interview was obtained substantially influenced what my mother said. The interview was a major contribution to making my parents’ relationship worse and has since hurt countless others," William said in his statement. "It brings indescribable sadness to know that the BBC’s failures contributed significantly to her fear, paranoia and isolation that I remember from those final years with her." But what saddens William the most, he said, “is that if the BBC had properly investigated the complaints and concerns first raised in 1995, my mother would have known that she had been deceived.” Diana was failed, he said, “not just by a rogue reporter, but by leaders at the BBC who looked the other way rather than asking the tough questions.” Prince Harry said their mother “was an incredible woman who dedicated her life to service. She was resilient, brave and unquestionably honest.” He said what “deeply concerns” him is that similar journalistic practices are still widespread. “Our mother lost her life because of this, and nothing has changed. By protecting her legacy, we protect everyone, and uphold the dignity with which she lived her life. Let’s remember who she was and what she stood for.” Observers suggest it will all have a significant impact on how the BBC is viewed. “It shakes the real core of journalism because people will no longer look to that broadcaster and trust them wholly because we now know that they're prepared to lie to coerce people into taking part in interviews,” marketing consultant Diana Young told the CBC’s Tesa Arcilla. Diana and Prince Charles were divorced in 1996. She died after a car crash in Paris in 1997.

Babies and the line of succession

(Peter Byrne/Press Association via The Associated Press Word this week that Princess Beatrice and her husband, Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi, are expecting their first child will add yet another shuffle in short order to the line of succession. The child, due sometime this fall, will be the 12th great-grandchild for the Queen, and the fourth baby to arrive in a matter of months. Beatrice’s younger sister, Princess Eugenie, and her husband, Jack Brooksbank, welcomed their son, August, in February. The following month, Princess Anne’s daughter Zara, and her husband, Mike Tindall, welcomed their son Lucas. Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, are expecting a daughter, with a due date thought to be in early summer. That baby will take the highest spot in the succession among the new arrivals, landing at No. 8, following her father, Harry, who is sixth in line to the throne and Harry and Meghan’s first child, Archie, now sitting at No. 7. The passage of time can mean marked shifts in the line of succession for those who enter it somewhat lower in the roster. Take, for example, Sarah Chatto, daughter of Princess Margaret. When she was born in 1964, she was No. 7. Now, she is 26th.

Royally quotable

"Planting a tree is a statement of hope and faith in the future."

— Prince Charles, in a video posted online to mark the launch of the Queen’s Green Canopy,

a tree-planting initiative to mark Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee

next year that aims to enhance the environment now and for future generations.

Royal reads

1. Prince Harry says the pain of Diana’s death

pushed him to drinking and drugs

. The Duke of Sussex’s latest comments, along with further criticism of how he said the Royal Family neglected both him and his wife, Meghan, came in an interview with Oprah Winfrey in The Me You Can’t See, a new Apple TV series about mental health debuting Friday. [CBC]

2. Queen Elizabeth’s

first major ceremonial duty since the death of her husband

, Prince Philip, came during a scaled-down state opening of Parliament. [The Independent]

3. Prince Michael of Kent, a cousin of Queen Elizabeth, has

denied reports

he was willing to use his royal status for personal profit and provide access to the regime of Russian President Vladimir Putin. [BBC]

4. There was

lots of taffeta and no tantrums

during the creation of Diana's wedding dress, recalls one of its designers. [The Guardian]

5. One of the Queen’s two new puppies, which she reportedly received a few months ago from Prince Andrew for companionship,

has died

. [The Daily Mail]

6. The succession for the British throne is clearly laid out, but succession can in some other countries be

considerably more complicated

. [The Guardian]

Cheers!

I’m always happy to hear from you. Send your ideas, comments, feedback and notes to

royalfascinator@cbc.ca

. Problems with the newsletter? Please let me know about any typos, errors or glitches.

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here

💜🙏🏻🙂✝️💟PG💟✝️🙂🙏🏻💜

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿.

[primasveraas-writing]

Star Wars- Reacting to Your Death Preference

Request: “Could you write a Star Wars preference on how the trios of each trilogy (+Ahsoka) would react to the death of the reader, please?” 

Boi everyone in SW needs therapy. All of them go though like 2 wars and they're all supposed to be fine lol. This was so sad, there are no healthy coping mechanisms in the galaxy far far away...

XXX

Anakin:

As someone with a great deal of responsibility on his shoulders, Anakin takes your death personally; he feels that he should have prevented it, no matter how you died. He is angry and in denial, lashing out at others in his helplessness. He can't accept that you're gone and searches for a way to bring you back. It takes the intervention of those closest to Anakin for him to realize you're not coming back, and it's with their support that he slowly begins to heal. He still feels guilt and incredible grief. It's hard for him to talk about you for a long time, and he never truly lets go of you, even after he accepts that you're gone.

Obi-wan:

Unfortunately, Obi-wan is no stranger to loss. Though losing you ruins him, he knows how to carry on despite the hole in his heart. He becomes quieter, more melancholy. Obi-wan needs time and space to move on, so he isolates himself at first, even while seeming normal to those who don’t truly know him. He isn't one to talk about his feelings, so he mourns in private, reflecting on the time you had together. It's painful to remember your past and know you no longer have a future together, but he faces reminders of you everywhere in his life, and at the end of the day, it is only time and the memory of you that can heal this wound.

Padmé:

She is stunned and devastated. Though she controls it well, she's extremely emotional. At first, she can't believe you're gone, but day by day the grief hits her. Padmé is resilient, so she tries to carry on without you like everything is normal, but she mourns you in private. Only her closest friends truly see how upset she is, and it carries on for months. Eventually, she realizes that your legacy is in her hands; she decides to turn her sorrow into action and ensure that you are remembered. She memorializes you the best she can, sharing stories and pictures with your loved ones and supporting the causes you cared most about. Padmé carries you with her always and treasures your memory forever. 

Luke: 

Luke is completely devastated by this loss. It feels as if the ground has been ripped from under his feet. You were his partner, his guiding force and his support in everything. He feels so directionless without you. Although he knows he can't bring you back, he tries to live out every day in your memory, to make you proud. Your death puts everything in perspective, and he sees all in the galaxy you never got to do. This motivates him to live as you would and take every available opportunity to achieve the things you never got the chance to. It's terrible before it can be bittersweet, but Luke knows you're with him always.

Han:

Han's grief simmers, completely concealed from everyone around him until it finally boils over. Just hours after you die, Han reverts back to normal. He's dealt with so much loss, so why should your absence be any different? Though he has a mask of coolness, his temper and ability to hide his true feelings only last for a short time. It's something small- someone makes light of your death or tries to move something from where you last left it, and Han loses all control. He yells until he's hoarse, lashing out at anyone and anything near him, about how unfair it is that you're gone, how much he regrets not being able to save you, how angry he is at the universe from taking you away from him. He's devastated to his very core, but once he realizes how ruined he really is by your loss, he starts to accept it. However, even as the years go by, he never truly lets go- you and your memory are a precious subject he rarely speaks about.

Leia:

Leia is nothing if not strong, made of durasteel and impervious to even the greatest of losses. To the public, she accepts your death with a quiet grace, a leader who honors a fallen lover with dignity and repose. But privately, to only the select few, she falls apart. She can't sleep and often takes long walks at night instead. She finds this quiet time the best opportunity to remember and mourn you. She cries then, and to Luke and Han, who support her and are courteous enough not to mention that these are her most vulnerable moments. She endures because she must, but you leave a gaping hole amongst all the other spots of emptiness in her heart. 

Rey:

Because Rey is relatively new to unconditional, unfaltering love, the grief from your death is a terrible and unfamiliar thing. She was never prepared to lose you, but knowing this makes her feel all the more foolish. After her family abandoned her, she should have known you, in some way would do the same. This thought haunts her for weeks until Finn confronts her, and she confesses, in tears, why she's been so distant and angry at the mention of your name. She ultimately breaks down, feeling guilty for blaming you, but afterward starts to rely on her friends for support. Her memory of you, at first painful, becomes a welcome solace and as she moves forward, she talks to anyone and everyone about you and what you meant to her. It's how she keeps you and your love alive.

Poe:

As a hero of the Resistance, Poe tries to be infallible. He's responsible for so many other lives, which is why he's so gutted when he loses you. His denial consumes everything: you cannot be gone because he needs you, and the galaxy is so much dimmer without you in it. Poe feels so helpless that he can't bring you back, but he can't accept your absence either. His anger at himself and for whatever killed you overwhelms him. He feels like he's lost all control, but your loss is the very thing that faces him to confront his grief. Each time he turns to talk to you and you're not there, Poe has to remember that he needs to accept your death and learn how to live without you. In the end, he knows that all you would have wanted is for him to be happy, and that remembrance becomes his will to move on.

Finn:

When you die, Finn's deepest fear comes true. He never had a family until he found you and the Resistance, and he has struggled to accept that he might lose what he loves most. When you die, he feels the part of him brave enough to love start to shrivel and waste away. It took so much to say he loved you, and now you're gone. The presence of his friends and the memory of your smile are at first not enough to justify losing you, but he slowly starts to realize that he doesn't want to let go of those he cares about, that even though it hurts, he'd never want a galaxy where he couldn't love you. Your death is the great, terrible lesson about love: loving you was worth losing you.

+Ahsoka:

A soldier from a young age, Ahsoka has the unique and traumatizing ability to accept things as they come, even the death of their most beloved. At first, she is only sad that you're gone- she can't deal with the fact that her heart has been ripped out of her chest until she finds more than a few hours of peace. When the storm hits, she is sobbing and hopeless. Her training as a Jedi confuses her: how can she know peace when you’re dead? Ahsoka isolates herself, becoming reckless and going on missions alone. It’s when she has a close call and wakes up in the Medbay that Ahsoka realizes that she can’t bring you back, but you’re all around her. She sees you in the bravery of others risking their lives for a cause they believe in, in the kindness of strangers, and in the hope of each new sunrise. You are apart of the Force now, surrounding her. After all, she remembers, no one is ever truly gone.

[silviartemis]

Mental Health Headcanons

This made me sweat blood

Will I do the other half of the kids? Yup. Someday.

TW: this is not graphic or unnecessarily heavy but is still about mental health struggles so if it’s a Bad day take care of yourself. (mentions of: depression, anxiety, ptsd, self destructive tendencies, manic episodes, abuse, dissociation, mentions of death, implied ableism.)

These are headcanons, some is based on canon, some is based on ideas floating around the fandom, I straight up invented other stuff and would love to know what you think and your own headcanons about this topic!

Everything under the cut <3 Also, Canon Era

Katherine had to deal with her mother's depression, which made her emotionally and often physically unavailable most of her life. Thankfully other people (Hannah we love you) stepped in to fill that void somewhat so she didn't suffer as much as she could have but naturally she didn't come out of it completely fine. She has a hard time recognizing and taking care of her own emotional needs and has a very unstable self esteem, sometimes leading to anxious episodes and burn out cause she works herself ragged trying to be "seen" by other people. Has a very strong will though and has learned over time to stop, take a breath, and analyze what she’s feeling.

 The Jacobs household is a loving, caring space and that is so important for psychological well being. It’s not very big on communication or feelings though so the Jacob children learned to express themselves mostly through logic and reason, or through their bodies.

·        When David was little he showed the first signs of anxiety by having horrible stomach aches whenever he had to leave home to go to school or temple and it’s still one of the main symptoms he gets whenever he struggles with it. Now he still has a difficult time in new social contexts but he more prominently worries about his role and responsibilities in the family, or the future. It can be intense at times but when he was younger his mom helped him learn how to handle it. Since he’s very methodical he has set specific strategies to cope with different stressors (and he’ll gladly teach them to whoever needs it).He still has crisis when the situation is particularly dire but with a little grounding from a friend or his sister he can calm down before he really starts spiraling.

·        Sarah is mostly fine. She has stress and responsibilities and frustrations like everyone but seldom gests overwhelmed. When she does, and straight up gets a fever, it's because she refused to acknowledge the emotional or physical toll something had on her, insisted on analyzing and acting following only logic and pragmatism, and ended up ignoring the signs of struggle her mind or her body were showing. She is fine with some rest and care from her parents and siblings.

·        Les is a child. A lucky one, because he's surrounded by people that love him and take care of him. He's a very smart kid, like his sister he tends to focus more on the pragmatic side of things. He's less naïve now than he was when he first met the newsies but that only gave him more conscience of the world and more compassion.  Will he struggle in his life? Of course, who doesn't. But he has one of the best support systems ever so he'll be alright.

Jack has been self-sufficient most of his life, even when he had his father around. After that, still little more than a child, he had to provide for other kids too. That affected his emotional development: he neutralizes his negative emotions by creating an escape from reality, an image to reach for to keep from succumbing to anxiety and depression. While this is functional to survival, it leaves him even more vulnerable when those emotions inevitably blow up. His multiple stays at the Refuge scarred him more than he’ll ever admit and left him struggling with some PTSD symptoms he carefully hides. His newsies family (the oldest at least) notice anyway and subtly help him calm down. Their love, shown through little gestures and kind touches (he’s very tactile), keeps him grounded. He has a very strong sense of self that helps him get through even the worst times without losing his core. Will put his own needs on hold to care for his family but is not self-destructive, he knows his limits and how far he can push himself before he’s no longer helping.

 Crutchie struggles with self worth and self efficacy, tries to mask it by being as independent as possible, even refusing help he actually needs. His family died during the polio epidemic he got sick in but he was very young and he almost doesn't remember them (removal of traumatic memories). Uses his sunny personality to hide his struggles and the fears and discouragement that come with them. He spent many years in an orphanage where he was treated like his being alive was terribly inconvenient so when he feels overwhelmed he seeks isolation because he doesn’t want to be a burden. His experience at the Refuge, albeit horrible, was thankfully very brief so it didn't scar him too much, he has nightmares sometimes but can be comforted easily by his found family.

 Race has what we'd now call adhd, he’s actually quite good ad handling it and channeling his erratic energy in making his and other kids lives easier. Except when he keeps purposefully distracting himself from taking care of his needs and pushes himself to the edge of physical collapse either to provide for the younger kids or to fulfill the self destructive tendencies that pop up in his worse days. He may appear very easygoing but has trust issues bigger than the Brooklyn Bridge, cause after only a few months in America his mother left him on the steps of the church and walked away. Incredibly loyal to the ones that eventually gain his trust. Puts on a shield of humor to protect the more vulnerable parts of himself. He has had one of the roughest stays at the refuge (along with Jack) that left him with some post traumatic stress symptoms like nightmares and flashbacks. Very tactile, the feeling of warmth from a hug will calm him down in his worst moments. One of his biggest strengths is his resilience, he will bend but won’t break.

 Albert is a victim of abuse. Many other kids are, in one way or another, but usually they come from a very bad situation that they had to flee as soon as they could. Albert's abuse built up over a very long time, keeping him trapped in a home that he felt guilty leaving and slowly numbed him to his own pain. He went from a loving family, through a terrible loss, to neglect, to physical and psychological violence. Struggles with emotion regulation and anger outbursts, has some PTSD symptoms such as flinching away from touch and light dissociation, if triggered. Both craves and is averse to touch, tends to feel over-stimulated when he’s tired or stressed so he copes by holing up with Race on the rooftop. One of the healthiest ways he has to express his emotions is his fierce protectiveness of the people he loves.

 Spot fled an abusive neglectful household when he was young, but not before he was completely sure he could fend for himself against the whole world. One of his siblings died while in their parents care and that loss and anger caused him to put up walls so high and thick no older Brooklyn newsie ever really gained his trust, but immediately became very protective of the younger kids, in time earning his position as the borough leader without even noticing. He translates all his emotions into action, often leading to manic episodes that, once they’re over, leave him exhausted both physically and emotionally. While he’s feared by many outside of Brooklyn, his newsies love and respect him and know when to step in and let him retreat for a couple of hours to rest.

[soul-music-is-life]

Hey!!!! I was wondering if you could do like the tiniest Drabble of em and Ali finding out their having another baby? That Ali’s pregnant with Sam?

The lovely people in my asks: “Emison prompts please?”

Me: *re-emerges years after apocalypse, sees asks are still in inbox, waves arms around in vast wasteland shouting* “DID SOMEONE SAY EMISON?”

You all have been asking for quite some time. Sorry the delivery has taken forever. Apparently the package got lost in the mail. Or the delivery driver read it and liked it and decided they wanted to keep it all to themselves. 

Seriously though, I haven’t forgotten about you all. I think about my PLL fam often. The state of the world has been a bitter pill to swallow for a lot of people, especially during quarantine. It’s an isolating time. I know the importance of needing an escape. I’ve been working on my Emison fics “The Dawn of Autumn” and “The Heart of Beacon Heights” but haven’t done a little ficlet in ages. I have so many sweet and loyal people who still follow me despite my years of fictional torture. And I just wrote this fluff as a thank you. Hope that it brings a little light into the world. We need more of that good light.

This is unedited. I wrote it in about half an hour at 2 in the morning, so if you find mistakes please send your notes to my inner critic. She will deal with them promptly.

***

Alison was hunched over on the edge of the bed, her knees bouncing as she anxiously tapped her feet against the carpet. She rubbed her palms against her jeans and exhaled a heavy breath.

Not many things made her nervous. She’d gone through a lot over the years. It had helped her develop a heavy outer armor. She had learned how to face adversity with her head held high. She had gone through a tremendous amount of growth with the help of Emily’s love and the love of their children. And several years of therapy.  

Her most recent session had her opening up about her fears and insecurities as a mother, and about whether or not she wanted to carry another child.

She felt the bed shift and then felt a comforting hand in between her shoulder blades.

Emily’s warmth was a force in her life that nothing else had ever come close to. Nothing compared to the way she felt about her wife.

The brunette was always there to calm her nerves. Every time. They’d been faced with some incredibly hard times. They’d endured a lot.

Even after everything had settled down...after all the torture had stopped...after they’d found their bliss...things still weren’t perfect.

They’d talked about expanding their family for a while. They’d been waiting until they’d found some stability, both emotionally and financially. After Alison landed her job as a professor at Hollis and Emily got her position at a prestigious swim academy that trained young hopefuls for the Olympics they’d found a stride...a balance between work and home.

That’s when the talks of having another baby had come up. They’d discussed it for months. The girls were old enough that they’d established a certain independence. And Alison and Emily missed having a little one around. Grace and Lily had stopped wanting to cuddle after they started middle school. They missed it.

Emily wanted to carry, so they’d gone through the process. They’d tried several times. The first time it didn’t take. The second time it took, but after six weeks they’d lost the baby.

It had been difficult to waver. Emily had wanted to try one more time, but after some routine testing her doctor discovered that she had uterine damage that made it very unlikely that she’d ever be able to carry a child to term. It had gone undiagnosed previously, but they found out it was from ill-effects from the torture she’d endured over the years.

That had left them with the choice of adoption or giving Alison the opportunity to carry.

Emily didn’t want to push her into it. She knew that Alison didn’t have fond memories of her previous pregnancy. She knew that having the twins had damaged her psychologically. So she didn’t ask.

They’d been laying in bed looking at adoption brochures one night when out of the blue Alison told Emily that she was open to the idea of carrying the baby. She’d been working through a lot of her past in therapy and she thought she was ready for the next step.

“Are you sure?” Emily had gently taken the brochure out of Alison’s hand. She would love any child that came into their lives. She didn’t want Alison to feel pressured. “You’re sure you’re ready?”

“I wasn’t at first. But I can’t let my past control me forever. There’s something about this...” She’d chewed on her lip.

Color flushed her cheeks and she smiled softly. The same vulnerable smile that Emily had seen hundreds of times when they were in high school. The smile that was reserved for her. And her alone.

“I know what happened with Lily and Grace wasn’t...we didn’t exactly ask for it or plan it. But I wouldn’t trade those girls for anything.”

“If Grace keeps mouthing off to her teachers I might consider trading her.” Their wild child was constantly in some kind of trouble.

Alison laughed. She appreciated Emily’s unwavering sense of humor. It helped calmed her racing mind.

“You know, that pregnancy...God, it was so hard...”

“I know.” Emily took her hand and peered at her with a soft expression.

It was a look that could only be shared and understood between the two of them. Because they both knew what it was like to have choices taken away from them...to have things thrust upon them that could never be completely overcome. It was something they would live with for the rest of their lives. But they shared that pain. They’d gone through that tumultuous journey together.

“I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about this. And even though the pregnancy with the twins...it...it nearly destroyed me...”

Emily saw her retreating into herself sometimes when she thought back over those memories. But there was something different in her expression tonight. A newfound sense of confidence. It’s like she had chosen a direction, and she knew exactly where she was going.

“This isn’t the same. I...I want this. We’ve wanted this for so long, Em. And I realized that I actually have a choice this time. And it clicked. That’s what’s important to me. I...” she’d paused and then looked up at Emily, “WE...we get to make the decision this time. And that’s the biggest difference.”

She had watched Emily with their girls over the years, and she had fallen even more in love with her than she realized was possible. She was a beautiful person and a beautiful mom. And Alison woke up every morning thankful that someone like Emily loved someone like her.

Their family had started out from a broken place, but they’d picked up the pieces together and they’d created something beautiful along the way. And Alison wanted more of that.

She had threaded her fingers between Emily’s, interlocking their hands. She’d put her other hand on top of their joined fingers.

“I want to do this for us. I want to have our baby.”

Emily had been completely speechless. Alison was constantly surprising her with her courage and the depth of her strength. How was it possible she’d taken for granted just how incredibly resilient the blonde was? She looked at her and she saw the epitome of determination. A fighting spirit.

She was certain she’d never loved her more.

“I love you so much.” Emily turned towards Alison with a watery smile. She reached up and placed her palm against the side of Alison’s neck, leaning forward to capture her lips.

Alison could feel her emotions in her movements. She could feel it in the way that Emily gently stroked her cheek and brushed her hair aside.

“I love you, too.” Alison pulled back, tears of joy in her eyes.

There were moments in life that defined certain unspoken love between two people. There were moments that put them in a world all to themselves, where all there was...all that existed...was their love. Sometimes words were meaningless. Sometimes it was quiet little moments that people shared in which the most powerful exchanges of love were experienced.

Emily gently cupped Alison’s face and kissed her forehead tenderly. The warm smile on Emily’s face had sparked an even deeper meaning behind Alison’s choice. She looked at her wife and she saw pure joy. And she felt pure joy. She looked at Emily and she knew that everything was going to be okay. She knew that no matter what...they were going to be okay.

She had the most loyal woman in the world by her side. It had stripped her of her nerves that night. She knew they’d made the right decision for their family. In an odd way, it had taken the looming pressure of her past off of her.

But that had been months ago. Months before the fertility treatments and the hormone injections and the IVF procedure. That had been months before she’d started hoping and wishing. Months before she’d started picturing their child. What their baby would look like. How much her heart would melt when she saw their baby for the first time...first smile...first laugh. She started picturing what they wanted.

And now she was terrified they wouldn’t get it. They’d already had two failed attempts. Could they survive a third? They had spent their entire lives waiting for the other shoe to drop. Any time something good happened in their lives they were inevitably faced with something bad that ripped their happiness away from them.

When they’d bought the test Alison had felt her anxiety rising. The nerves had returned.

She glanced over at the pregnancy test on the edge of the dresser. She’d been shaking so much after she’d taken it. Emily had led her to the bed and made her sit down and take several deep breaths. She didn’t want Alison to stress herself into an anxiety attack.

They’d set the timer and had been waiting together. It felt like it was taking an eternity. The last time she’d taken a pregnancy test she’d been physically repulsed at the idea of having a child. But this time she was experiencing a painful worry that she wouldn’t have a child.

Emily could feel Alison’s tension underneath her touch. She wrapped her arm around Alison’s shoulder and pulled her in for a hug. She kissed her temple.

“Ali, relax.” She pulled her close. “Whatever the outcome...we’re in it together, okay?”

Alison nodded nervously. Her mouth felt dry and sticky. She reached for the bottle of water that Emily had brought to her and took a sip.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so impatient waiting on test results.” Alison curled her toes against the carpet.

“Remember when we were waiting on the girls’ placement tests?” Emily tried to take Alison’s mind off of the ticking time.

“Don’t remind me.” Alison scoffed.

Grace had tried to cheat by writing the answers on the back of her water bottle label. It was actually ingenious. If she put half as much energy into her school work as she spent trying to get around her school work she’d be at the top of her class with her sister.

“I thought Lily was going to have a nervous breakdown waiting for those results.” Emily reminisced.

Lily had always been their studious child. She was introspective and as sharp as a tack.

“What did we do to calm her down?” Alison asked.

“We rubbed bourbon on her gums and sang her to sleep just like when she was teething as a baby.” Emily waggled her brows with a grin.

Alison playfully smacked Emily’s arm. She’d forgotten all about when the girls were teething. That had been hell. But it had been worth it. There had been moments that her innocent little babies looked up at her with wide-eyed wonder that she’d never seen before. And it made her feel serene. She couldn’t wait to feel that again.

“Pretty sure we bought her a cell phone and told her to obsess over social media like a normal child,” Emily said. She shook her head. “That child and her test anxiety...I swear.” She glanced at Alison with a lighthearted smile. She poked Alison. “Wonder where she gets that from.”

“You know, we’ve spent so much time teaching them about the importance of rising to the occasion and passing their tests with flying colors. But this is the one test I wouldn’t want Lily and Grace to pass.” 

Emily made a face.

“God, we’re almost at the point where we need to sit down and have that conversation with them, aren’t we?”

“That’s all you. I handled the potty training. You handle the ‘don’t have sex or else your mothers will kill you’ thing.” Alison smiled.

“Or...we could teach them to be responsible about it. I’m not into scare tactics. They tend to have the opposite effect on people.”

Alison nodded in agreement. She’d certainly rebelled against her parents when they’d told her not to do things. Emily had, too.

“Whatever works. As long as we keep them off the pole and they don’t come home pregnant.”

“What a charming thought. You’re such a romantic.” Emily rolled her eyes, gently bumping against her with a playful smile.

“They’re good girls.” Alison felt herself relaxing. Her children had a way to her heart. “You think they’ll be okay with all of this?”

They’d spoken with the girls about the fact that they were trying to have another baby, but Lily and Grace had sort of waved it off like it wasn’t a possibility. Then again, they were just coming into their own as young teenagers, so they rarely listened to a word their mothers said.

“They’ll be fine,” Emily dropped her hand to Alison’s back and rubbed circles against the tension she was carrying.

Alison reached out and touched Emily’s knee, commanding her attention, drawing Emily’s eyes towards hers. Her lips twitched. A loving smile washed across her face.

“I really love you, you know.” She let out a content sigh.

“Well, I would hope so considering we’re married.” Emily grinned at her.

She got a lot of joy out of teasing Alison. She liked to see the spark in her eyes when she was flustered.

“Seriously.” Alison moved her palm up against Emily’s side, her fingers resting against her ribs. “I don’t think I realized how little I knew about love before you and the girls came into my life. It’s so much bigger than I ever knew. Have I ever thanked you for being so wonderful?”

“You don’t have to thank me for loving you, Alison. It is the most natural thing in the world for me.” Emily leaned over, their lips meeting for a chaste kiss. “I would do it over every time.”

“Maybe with a little less torture.” Alison added.

Emily chuckled.

Alison glanced at the timer. She watched as the clock rolled backwards from the sixty second mark. She felt her stomach tightening up in knots. Her heart started hammering in her chest. Her palms felt clammy.

“Breathe, sweetheart.” Emily tugged her into another hug, resting her chin on top of Alison’s head.

“I can’t believe how much I really want this,” she uttered under her breath.

It had been different with Lily and Grace. She certainly loved her little girls, but that pregnancy had been hell for her. She felt like she’d been alone on an island in the middle of a hurricane. She remembered feeling like her lungs were filling with water. But this time she felt like she was jogging along a beautiful beach...pushing desperately to reach a perfect destination with Emily in sync with her every step...right beside her.

She reached for Emily’s hand just as the timer beeped. Her head whipped towards the test on the dresser, but she looked away at the last second.

“I can’t look.” Alison shifted her feet and stood up, turning away from the dresser. She glanced at Emily. “Would you...”

Emily nodded, not needing to be prompted. She walked over to the test and picked it up to observe it.

Alison looked at her in anticipation, eagerly rubbing her hands together and licking her lips.

Emily pressed her lips together in thought, tilting her head with a furrowed brow, her eyes narrowed in concentration. Her mouth was twisted. Her nose was crinkled.

“Oh.” Alison felt deflated.

“Ali...” Emily slowly looked up at her.

Normally the blonde could read her wife like a book, but there was an expression in her eyes that she couldn’t decipher.

“Oh, God. It’s negative, isn’t it?” Alison dropped her head in defeat. They knew there was a possibility. They’d been through it before.

“Alison...”

“We...we’ll try again.” Alison cut her off. She reached up, running her fingers through her hair.

She was so consumed by her disappointment that she didn’t realize that Emily had moved next to her. She hadn’t seen the smile on her face.

“Hey...” Emily touched her cheek to get her attention.

Alison froze in place. She saw a glint in Emily’s eyes, a shocked expression on her face. She seemed to be having a hard time finding the right words to say. Tears were pooling in her eyes, but she was smiling.

Emily lifted the test up and Alison took it from her, her heart suddenly beating faster. Because she realized that the tears in her wife’s eyes were not tears of sorrow. They were tears of joy.

Alison stared at the positive test, a surprised laugh coming out of her mouth. Her eyes welled up with tears.

She looked at Emily. The brunette put her palm against Alison’s belly, knowing a bump would soon be growing.

“We’re going to have a baby.” Emily laughed through her tears.

Alison reached down and put her hand on top of Emily’s hand, holding it in place as she let the news sink in. Their baby was already growing. Their child was already carving out a space in their hearts. It was a glaring reminder that as they went about their daily business...they wouldn’t be alone. There would be a little child...a little piece of their heart coming to life.

She pictured tiny little hands. Baby toes. A button nose. Sweet coos and giggles. And the most kissable little face in the world.

After a few seconds she lurched forward, wrapping her arms around Emily’s neck. Joyous laughter filled the room.

“Oh my God! We’re having a baby!” Alison hung off of Emily’s shoulders and pulled back to press a hard kiss against her lips.

“A little you.” Tears were rolling down Emily’s cheeks. But she couldn’t stop laughing.

“Let’s hope this one takes after his or her Mama. I can’t deal with more of my attitude reflected back at me.” Alison sniffled, her cheeks rosy.

Emily looked at her, and she could suddenly see it. The glow. She wasn’t sure how she’d missed it before. She didn’t know why she’d doubted that the pregnancy would happen. Alison had been practically glowing for weeks. She could see a beautiful radiant aura around her.

Alison saw the adoration in her wife’s eyes. She shot her a bashful smile. It was crazy that after so many years together that Emily could still make her feel like she was back in high school, falling in love for the very first time. She still felt like that young kid crushing on her best friend. She felt loved in a way she’d never been loved.

Their hands naturally linked together. They shared a quiet intimate moment. The air in the room was tangible. Alison took a quivering breath, trying to center herself. Emily cupped her cheek. As always, Emily helped center her.

The moment was interrupted by a loud clatter and two squabbling teens.

“MOMS!” Grace burst into the room. “Lily stole my phone and changed the password, and I can’t get past the lock screen.”

“I’ll give you the password when you take down that picture you posted of me when I was being potty trained.” Lily had a smarmy look on her face.

She knew exactly how to get under her sister’s skin.

“I only put it up because you put up the video of me crying after a frog jumped on my arm.” Grace shoved her sister.

They spun towards their mothers to mediate their fight, but then they saw the tears.

Their faces dropped. They shot each other worried looks and then looked back at their parents. Grace’s brow was tight. Lily had her lips pressed into a thin line. They looked just like Emily when they were concerned.

“What’s wrong?” Grace’s voice quivered.

“Did something happen?” Lily echoed her sister’s worry.

“Is it Grandma? Is she okay?” A hint of panic reverberated in Grace’s tone.

“Grandma is fine.” Emily put her arms up in a calming manner. “Everything is okay, girls.”

“Then why are you crying?” Lily asked.

Emily and Alison looked at one another, smiling. Alison nearly bit through her lip in excitement.

She was pregnant. They were having another baby.

“Well...there is something your mother and I need to tell you,” Emily said, glancing at the pregnancy test in Alison’s hand. The girls hadn’t seen it yet. “We’ve got some good news.”

She grabbed Alison’s free hand and they gave each other a loving glance.

“Okay, you two are being weird.” Lily made a face.

Emily couldn’t help but laugh. Her little Lily was ever the cynic.

“You know how we’ve been talking about expanding our family?” Alison asked.

“Oh, are we finally getting a dog?” Grace lit up in excitement. 

“Not exactly,” Emily said. Though, that was on the table, too. The girls had been begging for a dog for years.

“Girls...”

Alison moved forward, gripping the test in her hand like a lifeline. She glanced at Emily again before facing Lily and Grace, who were looking at her eagerly.

“Your mother and I...we’re...” She felt a fluttering sensation in her chest. A warmth.

Seconds later Emily was next to her, her arm around her shoulder. Alison smiled at her.

“We’re having a baby.” She held up the pregnancy test. “I’m pregnant.”

There was a quiet pause, but then both girls gasped in delight.

“You’re pregnant?” Lily’s face brightened. Her jaw dropped. She had a huge smile on her face.

“Yeah.” Alison still couldn’t believe it herself.

“For real? We’re going to have a little sister?” Grace asked.

“Or brother,” Lily said. She threw her hands up and squealed. “This is so exciting. Finally, a sibling that will be a much less pain in the ass.”

“Oh, you wish. This kid is so going to like me better.” Grace scoffed. She looked at Alison. “Is that the test?”

“Mmmhmm.” Alison nodded, extending it out to Grace.

Grace didn’t even bother to grab it from the sterile end. She was too caught up in the moment. She looked at the positive result.

“This is super cool.” Grace smiled. She looked at Lily. “Check it out, Lil. Proof that someone else in this family is going to be cooler than you.”

“You know she peed on that, right?”

“Ew.” Grace suddenly held the test out like it was dynamite, handing it back to her mother.

“So...” Lily looked at Alison curiously. “Can you feel the baby yet?”

“Not yet. But we’ll get there.”

“I read that sometimes if you touch someone’s belly when they’re pregnant that you can feel things. Can we try?” Grace asked.

Alison and Emily laughed. They were overjoyed when the twins reached out to touch Alison’s stomach. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t very far along yet. The sentiment behind the bonding was real.

“That’s our little brother or sister in there.” Lily grinned, her palm on Alison’s stomach.

“What if it’s both?” Grace smirked.

“Don’t even joke about that.” Alison laughed.

But she didn’t hate the idea. It wouldn’t be easy having four kids, but she wouldn’t be upset if it happened.

“This is amazing.” Lily looked up at her mothers, a sincere expression on her face. “We know you’ve been trying...”

“Yeah. And we’ve been hoping this would happen.” Grace added.

“I know we give you guys hell sometimes, but you’re really amazing moms. And this baby is very very lucky to have you.” Lily smiled.

“To have us.” Grace corrected her.

Normally, Lily didn’t like it when Grace corrected her, but it didn’t bother her in this instance. She leaned into her mothers, wrapping them in a hug. Grace followed suit, embracing them all.

Emily and Alison smiled at one another as they bathed in their family’s affection. There was nothing quite like having a home in the hearts of the people you loved most, a safe place in the storm of life. They didn’t love anyone in the world like they loved their children. Their lives had only just begun after Lily and Grace were born. And they couldn’t wait for the next chapter.

They couldn’t wait to see the ways in which this baby was going to change their lives for the better, to complete their family.

[godzillaslayer101]

A Faustian Bargain

Faust I

The Peterhelm Theatre was quaint. That was the best word for it. There were around a hundred seats in the theater, some clearly meant for the enjoyment of nobility or high-ranking parents given the fine leather the chairs were fashioned with. The stage itself wasn't even that large, only able to hold up to twenty people. 

It was never meant to hold the collective student body of Chernobog, and it couldn't. It hadn't stopped Mephisto from squeezing as many people as he could for his first presentation, and it hadn't prevented him from doing it for the second time. Luckily his friend hadn't asked for any oil, but Faust was unable to relax. A sentiment shared with every other student sitting in the seats and the Reunion members standing guard at the doors and on the second floor. 

A floodlight turned on and a single person was revealed on the stage. 

"I'd like to thank you all for coming once again." Mephisto started, smiling as his green eyes raked across the room. He put his palm on his chest. "As a lover of democracy, it brings warmth to my heart that you all were able to so quickly elect a representative to bring your interests to me."

Because you threatened to flay them alive if they didn't, Mephisto. Faust thought but kept his silence from where he was hidden to Mephisto's left. His men had reported multiple incidents where the meeting room had nearly come to blows only for one of Mephisto's Possessed to pass by. It's thundering footsteps and pained howls enough to cow the children into submission. 

Faust was taken from his thoughts as Mephisto snapped his fingers. "Ursine ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your Student Council, President Natalya Andreyevna Rostova." 

Another stage light was turned on, revealing what had to be a seventeen-year-old Ursus Girl. She was dressed in a White Peterheim School uniform; she bowed to the student body. The only sign of fear was her trembling fingers. 

"I said, clap!" Mephisto shouted, saccharine voice becoming venomous. 

Thunderous applause broke out as each student tried to outdo the other. Faust still kept an eye on the students whose clapping was more restrained. The ones who could think were always the most dangerous. 

Natalya, to her credit, kept her fake smile and bowed. The clapping came to a sudden halt as Mephisto thumped the stage with his staff and inclined his head towards the new Student President. 

"Everyone, thank you for electing me as your student council president. I know these are trying times." She began with one of the biggest understatements Faust had ever heard. "But it is my belief that the Ursus student spirit is resilient and through cooperation with the Reunion Movement that we will come out of this...whirlwind of events stronger than ever. However, to do so any troubles you feel with our new teachers must be brought to me." She finished bowing once again and ceding the floor back to Eno.

Mephisto bobbed his head twice towards the poor girl, clearly pleased at her mediocre acting skills, and took back control. "Thank you for your kind words, Ms. Rostova." He began to inspect his fingernails, displaying the black veins on his hands to the whole student body. "However, there is a problem."

Natalya's smile was frozen in place, and Faust could feel the tension in the room rocket back up. He raised his crossbow up just in case.

 "You don't have any cabinet members."

What? 

Mephisto shrugged, "It's important to elect a leader, but no one man or woman is an island, but given recent events, I understand and forgive your mistake. In fact, To ease your burden a little. I've already chosen most of your cabinet. Come on out, girls."   

Faust watched as four girls walked from the back of the stage to the front. He'd assumed Mephisto wanted to make examples of them, but clearly, he had been mistaken. Two of them had been roughed up while the blue-haired one and yellow-haired one were practically curling in on themselves at the situation they had found themselves in. 

"I'd like to introduce your new Student Body General Zima and Student Body Lieutenant Leto," Mephisto said. He gestured to a brown-haired girl with red highlights in her hair and a girl wearing a uniform with yellow highlights. The Former glared at Mephisto, both her eyes bruised, and Faust resigned himself to killing her. The latter waved with her one good hand, the other kept in a makeshift cast.

Mephisto began to walk around the four girls. "These two already have quite the reputation and will be dedicated to ensuring Ms. Rostova's instructions will keep order. In fact, they'll be in charge of the fight clubs which I've heard are all the rage these days. And I do so hope they do a good job. Because if they don't, my big friends will have to take matters into their own hands, and while I'm sure they'll try their Originium ridden hearts out, they aren't the most delicate." 

 The whole student body couldn't nod fast enough. 

Mephisto came to a stop behind the yellow-haired girl. She practically leapt out of her skin when Mephisto's hand landed on her shoulder. "Well, don't be shy. I'd like the new Student Council Head Chef to introduce herself." 

"Hello everybody" The girl meekly began.

"Louder," Mephisto ordered.

"Hello everyone, my name is Lada. I'm a long time member of the Ursus Youth Scout, and I'm going to be in charge of making sure everybody remains well-fed here," The girl shouted, with the fakest cheerful voice. Everybody saw her trembling. 

"I'm sure you'll give it your all." Mephisto's piercing green eyes flicked to his side, and Faust flashed a signal to his men. 

Two bodies with bags over their heads fell from the ceiling before snapping taut as the ropes around their necks caused them to swing from side to side. 

Faust heard a few boys and girls panic, but the sounds of Crossbows being cocked and the growls of Possessed made them quiet down quickly. Faust's nose flared as he picked up the smell of urine. It was the newly appointed head chef. 

 Mephisto's smile was all teeth as he began to speak. "These two cooks were a disgrace to your school and tried to steal food from you. Since it was their first offense, they had the pleasure of dying quickly. Any other repeat offenders won't have such a luxury. And I'm sure little Lada over here is going to try her best to ensure you all stay fed. 

"I will, I promise, I promise." The girl screamed tears in her eyes.

"Good" Mephisto muttered, rolling his eyes before he moved over to the last girl in line. She was the youngest and had a hair full of blue hair. She clutched a large book to her chest. Faust's traitorous eyes briefly replaced her with a young, innocent boy with kind green eyes, and he shook his head to banish the illusion. 

"Now young Anna has a vital job. In fact, I've hadn't even told her what it is."       

  She was insurance. Zima had frozen in place, the murderous rage in her eyes being replaced by fear as soon as Mephisto walked over to the blue haired girl. 

Mephisto leaned forward like he was eager to share a secret. "She's going to be my personal assistant. School administration is such a hard job, and my talents make me more medically inclined." He turned to the newly appointed student council. "Ms. Rostova, you stay up here. All you other good girls can take your seats at the front." 

Once they were seated, he clapped his hands, the sound breaking the sudden quiet that had fallen over the room. "I know that this student council is unorthodox, but it's simply a fact we live in unorthodox times." 

Most of the positions were clearly made up, and Reunion was ransacking the city. Yes, Mephisto, that does count as unorthodox. Faust thought but once again kept to himself. 

 The theatre shook as two Possessed brought forward a chalkboard of all things. It was covered with sections of time "It might surprise you to know this, but one of our dear leaders in Reunion cares deeply about the educational welfare of the Ursus student body."

Patriot definitely hadn't had this in mind when Mephisto had gotten control of making sure the students were isolated. Faust was sure of that, but it could be worse. He glanced at just the two dead bodies still swinging from the rafters. So much worse. 

Mephisto gestured with his staff against the chalkboard. "I'll leave it to Ms. Rostova to elaborate." 

"Everyone, there will be three meals a day. All students will be scheduled into blocks that they will stay with. Lessons in Math, Arts, and Science will still be taught by the remaining faculty. However, a large portion of the day will be dedicated to physical exercise taught by Mr. Faust."

They what? Fausts couldn't stop his mouth from falling open. The girl was looking around the room, her confusion minimal to his. What was Mephisto doing? 

Mephisto sighed before walking over to where Faust was hidden under the illusion and clapped him on the shoulder.

"You'll have to forgive my friend. He's very shy." His best friend said smiling warmly at Faust. 

Faust dropped the illusion. He lowered his chin so that his face was hidden by his black sweater and raised his crossbow slightly. His friend elbowed his side, and Faust glared at him before sighing. "I will ensure all of you will be in the best physical shape possible." 

"Wonderful, Mr. Faust; I'm thankful we are in your care," Rostova said. And Faust resisted the urge to spit at her blatant flattery.

Mephisto took the praise in stride, rewarding the girl with a smile that lacked his usual malice. "Yes, Faust is...Faust is my best friend. I would have died many times over if it weren't for his wisdom and protection. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that he's the most important in the world to me...Other than big sis Talulah of course." He tacked on shocking Faust. 

"And it's because of that, that if I hear one word of any of you skipping his classes. I'll skip stripping you of your meals and go straight for flaying you alive or making you my Possessed." 

Mephisto's green eyes landed on Rostova, whose skin was almost as pale as her hair. "Am I clear?" 

"Yes, Dean Mephisto."

"Ha," Mephisto barked in laughter. "I'll leave it to the council to inform the rest of the student body of our policies going forward. Faust and I are going to set up your new lesson plans."

He turned on his heel and left. Faust hands flew through signals that ordered his men to keep him updated on the theatre situation and followed his friend out of the room. 

They walked through the schools winding hallways passing by classrooms packed with students before arriving at an office. The placard read "Nurse's office" his friend held open the door for Faust to enter, locked the door behind him, shut the blinds, hopped on the bed, and patted a spot for Faust to sit by him. 

The second Faust joined Mephisto, the white-haired Ancient sagged onto Faust's shoulder. He froze at the sudden contact. Mephisto had always been fond of doing this when they were younger, but ever since their discussion about Talulah, these moments had become fewer and fewer. 

"Go ahead, ask your questions." 

"How am I supposed to teach a bunch of kids?"

"Just teach them what the Flag Waver taught us." 

Faust stared at his friend. "You want me to teach a bunch of children, guerilla tactics." Faust was proud of the way he kept his tone neutral. It was a bad idea- no a terrible idea, but Mephisto hadn't been this open or restrained in weeks. In fact? 

"What happened, Eno" Sasha asked his best friend. 

Eno stiffened, "What do you mean?" 

"You're hardly sleeping, and when you do, you wake up screaming. And...I didn't think this was how you were going to run this lockdown." 

"You thought I was going to burn their food and leave them to fend for themselves. Let them experience an ounce of our childhood."  

Fausts silence was answer enough.

"It's tempting," Eno admitted. "But we need the students." 

Faust ran his fingers through Eno's hair. "Why?" 

"Sasha, Talulah's different." Faust froze. The words were so quiet, but they thundered in Fausts' ears all the same. "I'm a monster and a coward. But I think I'm ready to choose." 

Sasha continued to stare down at Eno, unwilling to even breathe. Was he dreaming? Was this happening? 

Eno looked up at Sasha, and Sasha couldn't even breathe at the fear within those eyes. 

"Sasha, would you leave Reunion with me?"

It was treasonous, stupid, and a thousand visions flashed through Sasha's mind of them dying horribly. 

But...But they had promised each other to suffer through life at each other's side, and for the first time in a long while, it didn't hurt to follow that promise. 

[shemakesmusic-uk]

This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to shemakesmusic@hotmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you!

Emily Kate

Toronto-based recording artist, Emily Kate perfectly bridges the gap between country and pop with her unique sound and lyrical storytelling. Pulling from real life experiences, her music conveys relatable thoughtful messages weaved with fresh, soulful melodies. Her meaning filled lyrics coupled with her warm sound is often described as Kelsea Ballerini meets a motivational speaker. She has just released her new EP All In. “These songs have taught me how to love myself, feel inspired, chase my dreams, have fun and grow as a person,” says Emily. “They've been my reminder and helped me through heartbreaks, insecurities, and now they get to be yours. All In features a track which I wrote the morning after a fun night out. This upbeat song is about going out with friends and meeting someone who takes your breath away. Its lyrics are a twist on the common saying, you had me at hello, and instead, this song is about someone having you ‘The Whole Time.’” Listen below.

Emily Kate · The Whole Time

Jordana Talsky

Jordana Talsky is a singer-songwriter and vocal looper who fuses multi-genre influences into her own sound. She accompanies herself by voice with a Roland Boss RC505 loop station. Her ethos is to incorporate digital means into live performance in an organic way, and with the loop machine, she creates a choir on the spot with no pre-recorded parts. Her new single ‘Oh Yeah,’ represents a moment of awakening, like when you remember something you had forgotten about a dream that all of a sudden comes back in a flash, a moment to stand outside of yourself and contemplate, embrace, and inquire of your life. “It takes work, all the time, to choose not to look away and to be honest with ourselves,” says Jordana. “These moments, delicate and challenging, are insights into our authentic selves, that may offer a fresh vantage point from which we can choose to heal and evolve. Inspirational, fun and harmony-rich indie-pop, ‘Oh Yeah’ is about listening to your inner voice and taking faith in the spark you uncovered deep within you.” Listen below.

Jordana Talsky · Oh Yeah

Nimkish

To fully immerse in the multitudes of rising queer Indigenous star, Nimkish, is to honour the past, look ahead to the future, and bask in the resplendent present all at once. The Vancouver-based artist is fearless in her lyricism, confronting anti-Indigenous racism and colonial violence alongside other hard subjects like anxiety, grief and heartache. To the great tradition of singer-songwriters healing through their music, Nimkish brings a bright-eyed aim to flourish in all she has experienced. Nimkish’s lyrics give affirmation to past pain while living in the moment. To some it may sound like escapism, to others it may sound like moxie-driven R&B-pop pulsing through the club. What’s certain is her fortitude — she’s on a mission, combining the coolness and creativity of the TikTok generation with the lucidity and confidence of a grown woman. Nimkish’s anthemic new single, ‘YSB,’ features ASCXNSION and is about the need for healing, freedom, and to be heard. "’YSB’ is about the need for healing, freedom, and to be heard,” explains Nimkish. “Are you listening? Do you hear me? Am I screaming out into nothing? This song is about feeling like you can't get ahead, and specific issues that we as Indigenous women work through on a daily basis. Our generation has been left to deal with trauma and we are continually fighting for equity. It can feel exhausting to constantly try to be truly heard. I wanted to go deeper on this project and write about real shit. What we have created is anthemic, resilient, and confrontational, despite the vulnerability that it took to write about our lived experiences. This release is about showcasing Indigenous excellence and the need to amplify our voices. Our time is now – the future is Indigenous.” Listen below.

NIMKISH · YSB (feat. ASCXNSION)

Tana

Tana is an artist, writer and a topliner with charge and a unique flair for lyrics and melody. Her rich and diverse views on gay culture, have strongly influenced her musical and personal journey. Tana’s music is unapologetic, revolutionary, and liberating. At heart, Tana is a true artist, and is inspired by many things around her - people, sexuality, her heritage (being half Italian and Nigerian), the city she grew up in, and the LGBT community. She places diversity at heart and aims to make music that relates to the masses, whilst pushing her creativity at all times. Her array of influences create new ideas and sounds that break traditional boundaries. Think Halsey & The Weekend. She has just released her new single ‘Bad Habits (Keep On Coming)’. Tana says of the track: “I wrote ‘Bad Habits (Keep On Coming)’ over lockdown, and it’s about wanting to grow from a toxic relationship. I found myself holding onto flaws and limitations that really effected my personal growth, and writing about it helped me recognise these issues and learn from this experience.” Listen below.

Love Crumbs

Love Crumbs is a folk-rock and Americana group based in Massachusetts. Known for blending poignant lyrics with evocative vocal storytelling, their nostalgic, timeless, heart-on-sleeve sound harkens to a bygone era. They have just released their new single ‘Ellipses’. “The track is about trying to connect with someone and not being able to despite the best of intentions,” says Mike. “It's about the things that aren't said or are left unsaid. It's about a meaningful relationship that ended kind of suddenly. The person was typing to me (as evidenced by the "...") but I never got to hear their response. Closure isn't something that someone gives us, in the end. It's something that we have to come to on our own. The sonic influences for me on this track, probably in particular the chord changes in the verses are Neil Young, the pre-chorus Tom Waits.  I wanted to stack Ali's vocals because it has an unreal sound (not occurring naturally, similar to Royals by Lorde) that can work in the right context.” Listen below.

Love Crumbs · Ellipses

Anniee

Anniee is an electronic artist and theatre composer based in Montclair, NJ just outside NYC. As a vocalist she has performed in a variety of styles and genres. Recently she has turned her attention to producing synthwave and retrowave tracks with modern and minimalist vibes. She has just released her new track 'Lonely Wolves'. "'Lonely Wolves' is moody and driving, with retro vibes and a modern sensibility—an intense journey exploring breakdown in relationship," says Anniee. Listen below.

Anniee · Lonely Wolves

Leah Rose

Emerging pop songwriter and producer Leah Rose has released her debut single ‘Goodnight’. The melancholic hue of ‘Goodnight’ arises from the sentimentality of a writer reflecting on a landscape they no longer exist in. The song was written and recorded in lockdown and is a prime example of how an artists’ time in isolation can result in the inevitable dissection of their past. Sonically, ‘Goodnight’ was inspired by artists such as Lorde, The Weeknd and Charli XCX. Leah Rose is a Cork-born artist who has spent the last 5 years based in Dublin. She spent much of that time honing her craft, finding inspiration in lyricists such as Alex Turner and Lana Del Rey. Strong imagery and colour play a huge role in Leah’s songwriting. Growing up with artists for parents meant that Leah was exposed to a range of visual art forms at a young age. She strives to create art not only through music but through her artwork, photography and overall visual aesthetic. “I see my songwriting style as atmospheric and somewhat abstract,” she says. “I love being able to use music as a tool to materialise the things I see in my mind. So when I write a song I try to place the listener right in the centre of my memories and daydreams”. Listen to ‘Goodnight’ below.

Leah Rose · Goodnight

Felyce

Felyce's alt-pop root influences shine through on her shuffling and atmospheric alternative Pop/R&B new single ‘Skin’. The Paris-based singer-songwriter Felyce shares the struggle she faced accepting the color of her skin while growing in France. Getting away from slow tempos, ‘Skin’ offers an energetic but still dark ambiance. Felyce wrote and performed ‘Skin’ and she worked with professional arranger Nicolas Lassus to make the song what it is now. She said in statement: "I wrote 'Skin' thinking about that beautiful story I heard once. A young black girl wondered why her skin was so dark and her mother told her the reason was because the sun loved her too much. That story really stuck with me". Born and raised in Paris, she spent most of her time between stage performances and school until high school when she put most of her focus on studying while writing her first full songs on the side. Felyce graduated from university in 2016 before starting a short career in HR but she realized that music was the only career for her and began learning production the next year while working on her debut EP Fear which dropped in 2018. She's been steadily releasing singles and crafting her sound since; embracing her formative influences, including British pop music acts like Sam Smith, Robbie Williams, Birdy, and American pop acts such as Lana Del Rey or Banks. Listen to ‘Skin’ below.

Kenzie Webley

Kenzie Webley has been writing songs since she was 13 years old but only started recording last year just before lockdown. Her new single 'Loveable' is out now to coincide with her finishing her A levels. Her debut album is almost finished and she already has the songs written for her second album! 'Loveable' tells the story of a couple arguing in public after a night out. It's from the perspective of someone who recognises their own culpability in the events. Listen below.

URARTA

URARTA’s new EP consists of four tracks centred around the issues of standing up for yourself and others, respecting the planet’s boundaries and looking out for your own. Musically, the band has its heart in punk, but simultaneously flirts with genres such as post punk, alt-rock, noise, Goth and indie. The lyrics are in English and in the dialect of Skåne –the southern part of Sweden where the band also has its geographical base. URARTA consists of Monica Richter (vocals), Ketty Hagmann (bass) and Tove Lorentz (drums). Listen to the song ‘D.I.Y’ below.

Vol 2: Vi Fick Fel Adress by Ursäkta Röran

[ironundcrneath]

✦ ▓ AND WHO GOES THERE? oh, it’s just [ ROSALINE PEAKE ]. some say [ HER ] resemblance to [ HOLLIDAY GRAINGER  ] is almost uncanny, but the [ TWENTY-NINE ] year old has been in the capital for [ TWENTY-NINE YEARS ]. many suspect that they are the notorious [ SURGEON ] of the [ BARATHEON ] family: perhaps that has made them [ BITTER ] && [ SUSPICIOUS ] of late, when they used to be so [ RESILIENT ] && [ TENDER ]. during the daylight hours, [ ROSALINE ] can be found working as a [ ER & TRAUMA NURSE ], but when night falls over king’s landing, they are best remembered listening to [ BLACK HOLE SUN BY SOUNDGARDEN ]. may the gods be with them in these dark streets.

A B O U T ;

Long ago the Peake name carried weight, they were the family that people answered to before the Tyrells came rolling in.  Any crime in the Upper West Side was done by the Peakes or in their name, and nothing happened without their say so.  It was practically a century ago, but her family still talks of it as if it were yesterday, as if any of them had a part in the so called glory days of the Peake name.  They didn’t and they refused to let it go.  

Many relatives had tried ‘taking it to the man’, attempting ill planned coups (could it even be called that if it had no chance of succeeding?) against the Citadel since they took over some 50 years ago, where the only the only thing overthrown were their bodies over the bridge and into the river.  For every failed attempt or drunken rant in a pub about the Peake name being restored, the Peakes fell further and further from grace.  By the time Rosaline was born, the Peake name was a joke, they were dirt poor, and on the Tyrell shit list (not a place one wants to be).  

Titus and Margot (née Lannister, a far flung cousin of the noteworthy ones) Peake were not in a happy marriage.  They had gotten married when she had gotten knocked up with their first child, Roland, and never bothered to divorce, no matter how unhappy either were.  By the time Rosaline came into the picture, their house was one of hostility, broken promises, and fragility.  All the emotional labor Titus had put on his wife, she put on Rosaline as soon as she was old enough to carry it.  Many have told Rosaline she was a natural born caretaker, but sometimes she wonders whether it was nature or nurture.  

Despite her family no longer being a ‘crime family’ they were still a family drowning in crime.  None of them seemed to be able to hold a job that wasn’t in somehow illegal, and preferred fast, get-rich-quick schemes and easy money from a night’s work (after all, it only takes, what, an hour to knock over a liquor store?).  Much of her youth was spent patching up her brother, her father, cousins and uncles.  Her 16th birthday was spent minting her brand new junior’s driving license by driving her bleeding father to a hospital, with a wound she couldn’t take care of herself, and left the back seat a grisly mess.

But Rosaline’s father, Titus, was different than most Peake’s.  While he desired to return the Peake name to one of status and greatness, he was no fool, and knew trying to usurp the Tyrells was a stupid idea if there ever was one.  He strongly believed in the saying of ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’.  Very much the patriarch of their family of misfits, extended or otherwise, he instructed that the family’s new goal was to find greatness within the Citadel syndicate itself, to gain entry into it’s ranks and become important members.  But with many of their names on the Tyrell shit list, this was no easy task, so many of the Peake family members found themselves pulling increasingly difficult and noticeable jobs (crimes) in hopes of gaining the attention of the Tyrells, in hopes that some of them would be allowed to join their ranks as initiates.

And despite being surrounded by crimes and the fast money way of life, Rosaline never felt the pull and refused to be involved in anything more than stitching people back up.  They had tried to convince her (’we just need you to drive, that’s it’), they had tried tricking her (which promptly got their asses left with bag in hand standing outside of the gas station), but she refused to budge.  Cruel words and rude jokes were made at her expense (‘what, do you think you’re actually gonna go to school?  who’s going to take you?’).  Despite being a hard worker who, if she put her mind to something, generally succeeded at it, she was constantly told she wouldn’t amount to much.

So, it came as a surprise to her family when she was accepted into King’s Way.  It was unsurprising that she chose to attend their nursing program, though.  She was put on a fast tracked course, and found herself graduating in three years rather than four.  The entire time, her new found knowledge was put to work, patching up family members more and more often as they continued their quest in gaining the attention and possible favor of the Tyrells and the Citadel.  

Eventually, and inevitably, they did go too far.  Her brother, cousin and uncle made the mistake of going after a shipment of guns.  And made the mistake of not finding out who those guns belonged to.  They were Stag guns.  The trio were lucky enough to get pulled over by police amidst their getaway, and were brought into custody.  Because if they hadn’t, they most definitely would’ve ended up losing their lives.  Ours is the fury, after all.  And while getting arrested saved their lives, it also in a way, cost Rosaline hers.

With the guns and perpatrators in law enforcement custody, the Stags had no way of retrieving stolen merchandise, and had to find another way to recoup costs.  They also somehow had to make an example, and that is how they ended up on Rosaline’s door step.  To make a long story short, having already been working at North Wall as an ER and Trauma nurse for some years, Rosaline had run ins with members of many different syndicates, including the Stags, and had treated all of them with skill and care.  So when the connection was made between the perpetrators of the heist and herself, Rosaline wasn’t so much recruited as forced to be a Baratheon surgeon.

She has been such for 2 years, they keep telling her that she’s close to paying off her family’s debts to the Stags, but she was never given any definite details of how long she’d have to work it off.   And to be frank, she has no idea how much longer she can keep it up.  No one outside of her immediate family knows of her new affiliation with the Stags, and she’s scared for anyone to find out, unsure of what that would mean for her or her family’s safety.  Both the Stags and the Citadel have far reach, and she’s growing more and more paranoid by the day.  Her life in the past years has completely fallen apart due to holding this secret.  Rare nights off from the hospital are spent traveling to dark parts of the city to patch Stag men up, family and neighborhood gatherings are avoided due to the fear of running into Citadel men and associates (as her father had gotten his wish and despite son, brother and nephew in prison for a crime committed in pursuit of his goal, he did accomplish gaining the attention of the Citadel, and some family members had been taken in as associates).  Her engagement had been ruined as she couldn’t explain where she was rushing off to in the middle of the night (he had accused her of cheating, and too scared to tell him the truth, she lied and said he was right).  Leaving her completely and utterly isolated from loved ones and friends, with her only interactions coming from co-workers and Stags that she interacts with.  

While she has not lost her gentle touch, her sunny disposition has begun to wane as clouds of paranoia and bitterness over her situation have rolled in.  Surrounded by powerful people who treat her life as no more than a pawn to be played, Rosaline is starting to realize she needs to take control of her own life, to turn her backbone into one of iron, and to replace her soft curves with sharp edges.

W A N T E D   C O N N E C T I O N S  ;

THE STAGS ; Members or associates of the Stag syndicate that she has gotten to known over the past two years.  Perhaps they like each other, or perhaps they don’t.  They could have also been one of the people who had a hand in forcing her to become a Stag surgeon.  This is a super open connection that we can either just use as a superficial way of the two knowing each other or could plot out something deeper.

THE CITADEL ; Growing up in Tyrell/Citadel territory, and now with some of her family members either associates or initiates into the syndicate, I picture Rosaline having lots of connections to current members/associates or those adjacent to the syndicate.  Childhood and high school friends, ex boyfriends, etc.  As of right now, no one but family knows she’s working for the Stags, so these two would have probably drifted apart in the two years since she has started, if they had been close at the time.  Once again we can either play this as superficial way of knowing each other, or could develop it into something deeper (they’re suspicious of her allegiances, or she tries to use them in some way to hide her current situation, etc).  

EX-FIANCE ; Within the past two years, Rosaline’s engagement ended.  He was rightfully paranoid when she would sneak out in the middle of the night or wouldn’t return phone calls for hours on end when he knew she was off shift, and when questioned had no real explanation or ones that didn’t make sense.  Finally he got the guts to accuse and ask her if she was cheating.  Knowing that him knowing the truth would only put him in danger, Rosaline took the out and told him she was.  She’d rather see them both in pain than dead.  (could be a neutral party or really anyone from any syndicate, as prior to being forced to work for the Stags, she didn’t care much about ‘party lines’ so to speak)

CO-WORKERS ;  Anyone who would work within the hospital or as a first responder that she could interact with on a fairly regular basis.  At this point, Rosaline pretty much only interacts with patients, co-workers and members of the Stags, far too paranoid to have a life of her own at this point.  While she is a very friendly and bubbly personality, she’s starting to master the art of knowing much about people, but people not knowing much about her.  The only exceptions would probably be people she’s known for more than two years, before her working for the Stags.  And while she’s infinitely more comfortable with them, she does clam up when talking about her life currently.

BEST FRIEND ; We can decide if the best friend knows or not, but if the latter it was probably one of those situations where they said ‘i get you can’t tell me, but i’m gonna be here for you anyways’.  I’m completely open to plotting pretty much any and everything about these two out: how long they’ve known each other, just how tight they are, etc.  Could also fill the connection below!

ROOMMATE ;  Could also fill the connection above.  But pretty much, what’s on the tin.  We can plot out if they’re close or not, or whatever.  They probably notice her coming and goings at odd hours (unless they also keep odd hours 👀), and either mind their own business or after getting BS answers enough times have stopped asking.  Could also be really interesting to do someone in a syndicate opposed to the Stags or in the Citadel, but neither of them knowing of each other’s affiliations!

[harmhim-blog]

the resistance is dead. the war is over. and when i kill you, i will have killed the last jedi.

VIII             TRUE BIOGRAPHY

born to leia organa and han solo, ben has always been strong with the force. he was levitating toys and causing long distance disaster long before he spoke his first words (which was bantha, by the way), and that might’ve been why it was so easy for snoke to crawl so close to him.

for as long as he can remember he has had the unforgiving, twisted rhetoric of the dark side whispered like gospel into his ears by the unseen supreme leader. it begun before he was even born, a seed planted in his body as it formed. he overheard conversations between his parents one night, where han had proposed that they should’ve waited, unable to deal with the force sensitive child, and that was where he found his fear of being a burden, unwanted, the easiest streak of humanity that snoke could leech off of.

from there, when he was left in the care of droids when han went off to search the stars and leia was acting diploma,snoke, with his lies mounted on truths and fears, became something of an imaginary friend that he kept vigilantly secret. there were times when leia’s gentle hands, her love, and his idolation of han allowed him to surface, to be clean of darkness, but each time he was coaxed back by his friend.

it was hard to identify an enemy when it is curled inside like a part of you.

by the time his parents had realized how unstable his control on the force was, he had already had his head held under the murk of the dark side, and sending him to yavin 4 to train with luke was the snapping point for his fear of abandonment.

though conflicting tutelage ate away at the solid trust ben had in snoke, and introduced him to one of his strengths; meditation, it was not enough to stave off the infection. luke did his best, and there were moments when ben could reach out and lean on his teachings, but fear kept him away. when the other jedi pupils isolated him, a shy and sensitive child who had cried when his parents left the planet, he simply drew inward. the resentment, bitterness, and strength that had built within him exploded in the form of massacre, when he was 16.

snoke had been prepared for it, sent praetorians in advance when he pushed to know if luke was growing suspicious of the shadow ben was causing in the force. when he sensed even the slightest of shift in the boy, reaching toward the light from luke’s care, snoke weaponized him with all the wrath and suffering he could. though it turned out the soldiers were unneeded, 16 years of being conditioned into distrust, fury and sorrow at the people around him meant the first instance in which he took life was a merciless assault.

when all was said and done, ben’s horror at his own actions, later to be snuffed out, made him sick, forced the praetorians to carry him back with them, singed by the flames and dirtied by the rubble and blood of jedi.

from then on, he was a pupil of the dark side, and snoke had been holding out on him in his distance. now within reach, kylo ren was born from broken bones, burns, tears and blood. mistakes came with dire consequences was the first of many lessons taught with pain alone.

the backbone of it all was the preening, gnarled aftercare. with injury came pity, came distrust, came impersonality. all things that created caverns between ben and snoke, deprived the affection-starved boy of the one thing he chased; approval. approval from his parents, from the force, from snoke, from darth vader. with power came the ability to choke approval from any source.

he devoted himself to stamping out the weaknesses in himself, a baptism by fire turned lifestyle. kylo ren had become a rabid soldier for the first order. quietly well versed in mental manipulation, conditioned by a lifetime of experience, his expertise involved forcibly tearing information out of anyone he was directed to.

the light danced like shooting stars in the peripheral vision of his mind, ever out of reach, easily ignored, but his guilt could not be so easily forgotten. it tore at him, and the more it bit and chewed and mangled him, the more he grew to hate it, to writhe against it, to push himself harder. an endless cycle. he clung to the idea that vader had suffered the same and he, with the same blood coursing though him, must do the same.

it was necessary to bury the conflict, snoke could feel it, smell the uncertainty like a forest fire.

VII           TRAITS

combat form: djem so, form v. element: fire zodiac: ox positive: sensitive, responsive, resilient negative: conflicted, manipulating, brutal

VI           CONNECTIONS

positive: birds of a feather; similarly flawed individuals who can empathise with each other. sparring buddies; both can take a hit fake memories; perhaps they were lovers, friends or siblings in the memories given to them for the live they had in this town good influence; ben is an unstable mess, easily influenced to the light and the dark.

negative: complete opposites; water, meet fire. rivals; fierce competitive nature has been scarred into him, fueled by his need to gain approval versus someone who is equally good or better than him fake memories; ben threw a mug at your muse in their past memories and its time to take out your anger

V          OOC

hi i’m kai, i’m 19 and in the hkst (gmt+8) zone. i literally hate the sequels enough that i am qualified to write a smear campaign against it. anyway, if you want to plot my discord is rainforest city#9748, i am kinda shy. my dms are also open here! if nothing i listed is interesting or suitable for your muse i’m sure we can get up to some mischeif in the dms and figure it out.

[mcad-ae]

These Are Days to Remember

With the MCAD building currently closed it may feel like our main space for creativity has been taken away from us. But the beauty of our work is that it can be found in any moment, any place, and with anybody. As creatives, we are now grappling with an unfamiliar experience of adjustment and adaptation as our social interactions are limited mainly to the confines of our homes and computer screens.

Seeking an opportunity for artist connection during this challenging time, MCAD’s Arts Entrepreneurship department chair Stephen Rueff has set out to create an online place for visual and performing artists and designers to express themselves and reflect upon the new not-so-normal. The result is Irrepressible Art, a new Facebook page and Instagram account focused on the work of artists and designers who are confronting a new global era of uncertainty and tragedy. Irrepressible Art showcases art that is either created in response to COVID-19 or simply stumbled upon as artists and designers interact with the strange new world around them. Both sites are currently accepting submissions and are considering inviting submitters to be included in a future exhibition. Stephen reflects on this project below:

 Why do you believe art is crucial in times of crisis?

We all feel anxious in the unknown. We are living through a rare and historic event that for most of us has little or no reference points in our experience. We are unsure of almost everything. We are artists and designers as well as creative problem solvers and strategic planners. We use all of these skills to offer unexpected perspectives on what we see happening in the world around us.

We are seeing pain, and loss, and the fragility of society’s systems. We see more sharply the value placed on profit over people and the planet. And at the same time, we have a glimpse of what a post-carbon world might look like. This is unsettling because so many lives are being lost to COVID-19. It seems callous to think about what good can emerge from so much suffering and loss.

 How do you believe creativity can be sparked at this time?

Over 98% of cities do not meet World Health Organization air quality standards. Over three million people die each year from air pollution. And yet with economies shutting down and shelter in place orders issued around the globe, we are seeing the positive impacts created by a significant decrease in fossil fuel emissions. Across China, for example, C02 emissions dropped by 10 - 30% during the lockdown. In northern Italy there has been a 40% decrease. Clear skies have revealed mountain views in urban centers in Kenya and India that haven’t been seen in decades. The infamous smoggy air in Los Angeles has dissipated, restoring ocean vistas. I wondered, ‘how do we as creatives balance the many contradictions presented by the COVID-19 pandemic?’ and concluded that:

Our role is to:

SEE the world and respond

HEAR the world and respond

THINK about the world and respond

FEEL the world and respond

But the world is sending out a stunning array of messages right now. And so, our role becomes all the more significant during this time of great unknowns. None of us can completely fathom current events right now. None of us can process the scope of pain, the loss, the grief, the anxiety. It washes over us in waves, every moment of every day. Artists and designers express our collective experience through words and images. Expressing what we see, hear, think, and feel is who we are and what we do. We must play a role in responding to this time, not only to help others interpret the moment, but also to preserve that moment for the future, when we can process what happened with some distance from the trauma.

 What do you hope to see from this work?

This project came to me as I was listening to the song Days to Remember by the Minnesota-based band Cloud Cult. I have lived through many times of crisis before. During those times I kept my head down, my shoulders up, mouth shut, braced against the pain and grimaced at the lies meant to allay my fears. Today I regret my emotionally pulling in and staying silent during those times. I think that today, when we are all hurting, confused, anxious, and in pain, it is time for us to reach out, to connect, to feel, and to express.

Artists and designers are empathic, sensitive to the environment around us. So, when we hear a cascade of messages like ‘hunker down’, ‘isolate’, ‘shelter in place’, ‘socially distance’ we feel those directives in a deep and subconscious way. The meanings conveyed are direct as well as metaphoric. And as artists and designers we need to counter these messages with our creativity. Through our creative work we can express our pain, our grief, our anxiety, we can reach out, and we can rise up. In this way we speak for the world.

I invite artists and designers to rise up in response to these times! To safely socially connect! To think about what we knew just a few ways ago, to engage thoroughly with the transition period we are living through, and to dream of a new way of being in the world. A world in which we value people over economies. A world where we value living ‘in-time’ instead of being ‘on-time’. A world where we listen and are kind to each other. A world that we respect for its ability to simultaneously harm and heal and its ability to teach us, every so often, that we need to work together to overcome a shared threat to our existence.

I hope that people will take ownership of the Irrepressible Art spaces to express their lived experiences, their grief, their wonder at our resiliency, their feelings of a heightened desire for connection to people instead of screens, and their hope that the new normal will be better than the way things were. I hope our creative community will be a catalyst to inspire others to resist complacency and take action. In this way we can invite everyone to become active members in creating the new normal. A world where we care for people and the planet. 

These are not the days to forget, these are the days to remember because they have much to teach us. Our lives are undergoing dramatic change and we cannot know what that means for us, both individually and collectively. But by expressing what we are seeing, hearing, thinking and feeling in this time of transition, we can indeed be the change in the world we want to see.

 How can individuals submit work?

This is an open invitation to artists and designers to submit drawings from sketch books, photographs, or any other type of work either by posting it to the Irrepressible Art Facebook page or emailing it to Stephen@StephenRueff.com and I will post it to Instagram and Facebook.

To find Irrepressible Art, go to the following locations:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

Responses by Stephen Rueff

Edited by Madilyn Duffy

[thefieryeclipse]

Tongues of Fire

This is my WIP post for the October WIP Weekly event @alexprompts​ ^.^

                                     “Tongues of Fire”

                                       “No one will believe me.”                                      “Us. No one will believe us.”

_____________________________________________

What if you had lived another lifetime in the span of a day? What if it was all a dream? What if nobody understood what you'd been through, except the one person you should hate most in the world...?

The future is precarious. A secret network of superhuman abilities has been revealed. People are disappearing but nobody seems to notice. In the wake of a shared five year nightmare, Peter Petrelli and Sylar are hunted, considered far too dangerous to be free. Cast out by everyone they used to know, together the two vigilantes must navigate a brave new world that not only condemns the depth of their power, but of their bond as well.

_______________________________________________

This is a post-series fanfiction of the wonderful TV series “Heroes” (2006-2010), created by Tim Kring and aired on NBC. The story is my take on Volume 6 “Brave New World”, the build up to Heroes Reborn, focusing on Peter Petrelli and Sylar and their relationship after the events of the series finale.

If you haven’t watched the show (and you really should, it’s great!), it revolves around ordinary people with extraordinary abilities: a mismatched group of people from all over the world connected by the sudden manifestation of superpowers that they must keep hidden. This show did superheroes before the MCU made it cool again - they don’t wear capes and they don’t have secret identities: think a real-world ensemble character drama but with superpowers thrown in X)

TONGUES OF FIRE - Read here

Please check out my WIP: three years in, currently 360k+ words and 35+ chapters deep.

Rating: M. Action, violence, sci-fi, danger, post-series, forbidden love, m/m, lgbtqa+, whump, angst, hurt/comfort, save the future save the world. (I’ll expand more on the tags and themes below)

TRAILER:

Please keep reading for character descriptions, story context, themes/genres, gifs, a moodboard, more artwork and warnings

GENRES/THEMES/TAGS:

Superpowers

On the run

Sci-fi

Slow burn

End of the world (save the future, save the world...)

Betrayal/heartbreak

Forbidden love

M/M, LGBTQA+

Acceptance and forgiveness

Hurt/comfort

Angst

Whump

Action

Danger

Violence (think broken bones, cuts, gunshots, burns - however some characters have superhuman healing so this isn’t always as permanent as it sounds...)

Grand acts of heroism

Former-enemies to friends to lovers

There are happy and heartwarming parts in here too, don’t worry X)

CHARACTERS:

As Heroes is an ensemble show there are a lot of characters featured in this WIP, but even if you haven’t watched the show hopefully you shouldn’t get lost in the context of the story X) Because this post would be even longer otherwise, I’ll just highlight the central two characters here:

                                               Peter Petrelli

Stubborn, caring and compassionate, Peter will never see anyone in need and not help them. He is driven by a constant desire to make a difference to the world, and will rarely listen to reason. This reckless goodness has gotten him into trouble (and/or killed) many times in the past, but he will never give up. He’s not opposed to violence if pushed to it, and can certainly hold his own in a fight. However, usually he’s the mediator who tries to fight with love rather than war. His love language is touch, and he doesn’t have much sense of personal space, almost subconsciously touching others all the time to show his support and affection.

He invests 100% into everything he does, including his relationships with family, friends and loved ones. Sadly, he’s constantly overlooked, under-appreciated and walked over by almost everyone he has ever known. Despite this, Peter is kind and will always listen to his heart, even if it leads him into danger to save someone else who won't even thank him for it.

Without recounting the entire story of Heroes, let me just say that Peter has been put through the ringer more times than anyone should do and survive. He’s been bruised, shot, killed, betrayed, walked out on, arrested and lied to too many times, but somehow he’s still miraculously resilient in his worldview. He’s impulsive to a fault, leaps before he looks and due to this is no stranger to mistakes. His biggest weakness is his own perceived inadequacy - he thinks he’ll never be good enough. He keeps mostly to himself, despite his golden heart that longs for reciprocation of the love that he gives to others so freely, and tends to work quietly from the sidelines rather than seek appreciation for his efforts.

Ability: Empathic Mimicry.

Peter is an “empath”. His extreme empathy allows him to not only understand and care deeply for other people, but to absorb the abilities of other “evos” (evolved humans) simply by being close to them.

This original ability, however, was stolen from him by his father. Later Peter acquired a synthetic version that isn’t as strong. He can still absorb other evos’ powers through physical touch, but can only hold onto one at a time. He still longs for his true ability although, naturally, he keeps this pain to himself rather than burden others with it.

                                              Sylar

Intelligent, immortal, arguably the most powerful evo on Earth, Sylar has made himself a lot of enemies over the years. Formerly known as Gabriel Gray, his superhuman ability (knowing how things work) and insatiable hunger for more turned him into a killer: slicing open the skulls of people with abilities to access their brains and, therefore, their powers. Until recently he had never had a friend, never known trust, and all he had was the urge to add to his ever-growing collection of superpowers in order to make himself feel “special”. Sylar has killed a countless number of people, evaded capture multiple times, and tried to reign himself in more than once, although nobody ever listened when he begged them for help, until Peter.

Sylar is sarcastic, witty and delights in being a downright asshole at times. Secretly, though, he’s a sensitive and remorse-ridden man, desperate to belong anywhere and to anyone who will accept him for who he is. He has been tricked and manipulated many times due to this vulnerability, which only made him more angry, wounded and violent. His ability comes with a “Hunger”, like a voice inside that “makes” him commit heinous acts. This hunger tends to come and go, however, and is more likely a manifestation of his own mind that gives him something else to blame and hide behind. Though there’s no doubt that he is, at least in part, a victim of a power he had no choice in manifesting.

By the series finale of Heroes, Sylar has finally tackled the painful journey to redemption. Truly repentative for what he’s done, and wanting to be a better person, Sylar is ready to face the world and do good this time, hopefully making amends along the way. Peter’s trust in him is his anchor, and as long as Sylar finally has someone who believes in him then he’ll keep struggling with his demons to be better, and hopefully, in time, become a hero too.

Ability: Intuitive Aptitude

Sylar can understand how things work. His power is based in empathy, like Peter’s, except he collects abilities by looking at the brains of other super humans and assuming them for himself. By the start of “Tongues of Fire” he has a lot of powers, perhaps too many to put here? The full list is on his wiki page: https://heroeswiki.com/Sylar, but basically he’s like a swiss army knife of superhuman abilities X)

CONTEXT (this is real Heroes canon):

Over the past few years Peter and Sylar have been enemies. The Hero and the Villain, like Batman and Joker or Sherlock and Moriarty, they were each other’s equal and nemesis. They faced off many times and have both wounded and killed each other in the past (thanks to the power of regeneration these deaths weren’t permanent). There have been many complicated and intense conflicts in their story, including believing they were brothers for a time; Sylar murdering Peter’s beloved older brother Nathan; and Peter nailing Sylar to a table and trying to erase his mind (seriously, watch the show, there’s too much to capture here!). Also did I mention the insane chemistry and UST between them...?

(Yes, that’s a real scene from Heroes!)

At the end of the series, Sylar was riddled by guilt and the fear that he would die alone, unloved forever. So he turned himself over to a telepath and begged him to block Sylar’s mental access to his abilities so he could stop killing, and maybe have a chance at finally finding a human connection. The telepath, Matt Parkman, tricked him and instead locked Sylar’s consciousness in a mental prison of isolation where each hour in reality is a year he’s lived there in sole torment. Peter found out and, despite their hate-fuelled past, impulsively followed Sylar into his mind to rescue him.

It didn’t work. Instead of being able to pull Sylar out with him, Peter got trapped in the nightmare as well. For five years they were held prisoner in a dead, empty city, with nothing but each other and a hell of a lot of baggage to work though. And eventually, after years of remorse and loneliness and depending on each other to stay sane, Peter forgave Sylar, accepting him as the changed man he’d become. The nightmare shattered and they awoke back in reality, where only 5 hours had passed on the outside, but to them it had been years. Together, united now, Peter and Sylar set out to save the world side by side.

Nobody knows about the other life they lived through together aside from Matt Parkman the telepath, and even he doesn’t believe them. After all, who would believe these two mortal enemies took a nap together and suddenly woke up finishing each other’s sentences, unashamedly defending, trusting and touching someone they’d despised just a few hours ago?

So now they’re faced not only with a world where abilities are in the open; but where their shared forgiveness, trust and friendship is discounted by everyone who knows Sylar only as a monster, and Peter as a heartless traitor who betrayed his late brother by choosing Nathan’s killer over them.

And this is where “Tongues of Fire” begins...

(There are more illustrations from the story available in My Gallery on Ao3)

WARNINGS:

I guess the biggest warning would be for violence. This is canon-typical violence, so if you've watched Heroes it shouldn't be anything you can't handle. And if you've not watched Heroes then imagine the amount of violence that could be aired on a network TV show in 2006-2010.

One surgical scene includes exposed organs. It’s quite graphic, but the patient is participating willingly and eagerly, and the “surgery” is done upon request, as a good thing.

Later on there's restrainment and distressing interrogation of prisoners.

Adult content and sexual scenes, but I wouldn't necessarily call them “explicit”. The focus is always on the emotional aspect more than graphic descriptions of characters’ anatomy.

And I guess that’s it from me for now! Hope you check out the story, and please don’t be shy to get in touch about it in any way, shape or form ^.^

(I don’t take credit for any gifs, they’re gorgeous but not mine. The illustrations are mine, though)