#replaying the series and just eternally floored at his journey

[dramaticviolincrescendo]

It never ceases to amaze me how phenomenally written Sora’s story is.

All this time, he’s been nothing but an ordinary person. He’s always been pure, kind, and compassionate, but there’s nothing exceptional about him from the very start. He’s not a Prince[ss] of Heart like Kairi or the inheritor of the Keyblade like Riku. Besides his heart hotel, he’s just some kid going about his life, looking for adventure with his friends.

He’s in the right place at the right time with someone he’s closely connected to, and his entire world changes.

Sora goes through so many stages throughout the games. In KH1, he’s cautious. It’s his first time away from home and he’s alone but for these new friends he’s made, so he stays on task and observant, though there are still moments of goofiness. (Pun intended.) It’s a big change from the little kid we met in BbS, who was in his element in that tiny world.

Through CoM, KH2, and DDD, he follows the advice of the people he meets: he follows his heart. He doesn’t plan ahead too much—or plan at all, much of the time—since he has his goal in mind and is going to ride the waves of what feels right in pursuit of that goal. It worked before, so why shouldn’t it now?

But Sora is an ordinary boy, and he’s up against an enemy so extraordinary that the guy even thought of using replicas and time travel to make sure he got what he wanted no matter the setbacks he might face. No one is prepared to face that, but Sora doesn’t realize it. Regardless of warnings, that confrontation didn’t scare him. (See what I did there.) Following his heart and winning time and time again did something that happens to every ordinary person at one point or another: it made him cocky.

Terra was cocky, manipulated by Xehanort’s compliments rather than taking his master’s criticism to heart. Riku was cocky, believing himself to be so strong—strong enough to protect what mattered—that nothing could stop him. They paid the price early on and have been clawing their way to recovery ever since.

Sora pays it later, and when he does, it shatters his confidence. The people around him underwent the trials that conquered their hubris already, so in the wake of being thoroughly tricked and manipulated like a puppet in DDD despite following the path that’s always worked for him, he’s surrounded by competent and extraordinary people who seem to have themselves put together when he doesn’t. People who were special from the start in one way or another. And so Sora spends KH3 trying to get back what he lost while being painfully aware of how inadequate he is (or feels that he is) next to everyone else.

Because he’s a normal guy, and he knows it now that he doesn’t feel so invincible. He learns what every normal person does as they leave adolescence and enter adulthood: bad things happen, things that can’t be avoided or fixed with good intentions or teamwork alone, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it but pick yourself up and learn for the next time.

He pushes himself too far. He pays the ultimate price.

But he learned. Pure, kind, and compassionate he remains—but he learned.

Twenty years of character development artfully woven to reach this point. Well played, Nomura.

[clynnra]

Strongest Together

After that disappointing last ten minutes of the series finale, I didn't think I would ever write for my beloved boys again. But, thanks to binging lots of episodes of the show on ion since it started airing there (happy to post this story on one of ion's Five-O Fridays) and reading many fix-it fics, I had to do this for Danny. I will be forever bitter that our last glimpse of him ever was hurt (physically and emotionally) and alone on Steve's beach. So this is my way of fixing that sad image. There's background (literally, just a few minor mentions) Steve/Catherine and Danny/others, but this is a McDanno story. I didn't want to vilify Steve, since he should take care of himself and find peace, so I hope that comes across. Finally, eternal thanks to my beta PhoebeMiller for making my story way better than it was with her fantastic feedback about story line, diction, and all the grammar. She's an awesome writer in her own right - go read her wonderful stories! And always thanks to SheppardMcKay for inspiring me to post fic.

Steve and Danny. Danny and Steve. Steve left Danny. Danny was alone.

Sighing, Danny knew he had his kids, his family and the team. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt so fucking much. Days like today, it still hurt to breathe.

Danny didn’t begrudge Steve finding his peace. Or his taking care of himself. Hell, he tried to instill self preservation in his Neanderthal time and again. But when Steve finally took his advice and put himself first, it had ripped Danny’s heart to shreds.

It still hurt so damn much because of the way Steve left. The timing sucked. Just out of the hospital, Danny could barely walk even with his cane. This proved Steve was hiding the depth of his own suffering. Normally, he'd never leave Danny when he was injured. Danny smiled and remembered Steve raiding his house for cookies after he'd been shot in quarantine. The fondness bubbling up just about killed him.

More memories of this year from hell came back, and Danny had to sit down. He'd moved himself into Steve's house after Doris died because he sensed Steve needed him. The loss was just too much after Joe's death. When Joanna had died, Steve was there for him, cooking him eggs most mornings, claiming routine was good. Danny knew Steve was talking about himself, too.

They'd fallen into something Danny dared call a relationship when he was awake late at night, insomnia raging. He and Steve lived together. They ate meals together most nights. They walked Eddie, locked up the house and said good night like a couple.

A couple of idiots, Danny grumbled now. Or was he the biggest idiot? He'd made this huge leap into what proved to be a lonely abyss.

What hurt the most was Steve pretty much rejecting the idea of the two of them growing old together on that beach. Danny didn't know for sure when his best friend would return from his Kung Fu adventures. He'd only counted on Steve coming home at some point. Now, when he replayed their last conversation, the dagger twisted in his chest even more.

The sad fact was - Danny loved Steve. Not just like a friend. He loved him like I want to spend the rest of my life with you even though you drive me crazy, you caveman. He never told Steve he was in love with him. Danny was scared and convinced such an admission would be suicide. Because he feared their friendship would be over, was so sure of it, in fact, that he kept all of his feelings locked away. He didn't want to fuck up the best friendship he'd ever had.

Not to mention, Steve was straight. He'd never given Danny any hint that he was interested. Unless you counted Steve's octopus arms and his total disregard for Danny's personal space. Which Danny did not dwell on. No way could he let himself go there. That's why he'd pushed Steve into dating. First Brooke and then the vet. Neither had really worked out, and Danny did not allow himself to question why. He would have kept on searching for the perfect mate for Steve, too, if he hadn't left. Even though Danny wanted it to be him.

No one knew Danny's secret. Although he mostly dated women, he had a few relationships with men while at Seton Hall. He kept his attraction to men close to the vest. He'd thought his college experiments were in the rearview mirror until the giant goof stole his crime scene.

To distract himself from the heartbreak over Steve’s dating, he’d focused on reconciling with Rachel in a vain attempt to stitch his family back together. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, it just didn’t work since he was in love with Steve. When they finally figured out they were better as friends, Rachel shocked him with advice to stop dithering and tell Steve. He was so taken aback by Rachel’s accurate insight into his heart, past all his bullshit, he’d gone to that bar and met Joanna. Like so many other things in his life, hooking up with her to forget Rachel and Steve had ended all kinds of bad. Spectacular didn't even cut it. Joanna's death wasn't his fault. This he knew. But he couldn't stop feeling guilty. She was with him in the car because of how he'd chosen to mend himself, and she'd died after everything he'd done to try to save her.

And of course, there was Catherine. He envied her for having Steve the way he wanted. She knew every inch of him. She knew so many more secrets.  Steve had opened his heart to her - and what had she done? She'd pulled a Doris. More than once. And the idiot took her back.

Weren't they a pair? Danny knew he was a hypocrite for being angry with Steve about getting back with an ex time and again. He didn't care. He couldn't help feeling upset that Steve was with Catherine (probably this very minute) and not him.

+++++++

Three months had passed since Steve left, and Danny’s PT was coming along well. He texted Steve a few times a week to check in, while Steve returned his texts within a couple hours. They’d spoken on the phone a few times, and Danny lost himself in the comforting cadence of Steve’s voice. Their calls ranged from about 20 minutes to almost an hour, and their talks were nice. But during one of their conversations, as he listened to Steve chatter on about what he did in whatever destination he was currently staying, Danny realized that Steve’s journey to find himself didn’t include him. Steve didn’t need him like Danny needed him. And that revelation punched the breath out of him. He tried to cover it, but Steve, with his keen SEAL senses, heard it.

“Danno, you okay?” Steve interrupted his story about what he saw in Scotland.

“Yeah, babe, I’m ok. Just still get tired sometimes. Had PT this morning and energy kinda zapped. You mind if we pick this up some other time? I’m gonna have a lie down.” Danny chewed his lips as he lied. It was a white lie, but still.

“Ok… you take care buddy. I love you.” Steve said with a note of concern.

“You too.” replied Danny. He couldn’t tell Steve he loved him on their calls because he didn’t want Steve to hear how in love with him he was. Texting “love you, too” was fine, but when he said it, he felt his heart in his throat.

Putting his phone down, Danny glanced around himself. He was still at Steve’s house sitting on his couch. Eddie was laying on the floor nearby. And Danny came to a decision. Steve was out finding himself, and Danny really needed to do the same. He had spent so much of the past ten years being part of Steve and Danny that outside of being a father to Grace and Charlie and being on the task force, he‘d kinda lost himself. He felt like his life wasn’t making sense after deciding to just be friends with Rachel and then the tragedy with Joanna. He knew that in order to move on with his life, he had to make a change. He would always be there for Steve, but it was time he was there for himself.

A few days later, Steve called again. This time he was in Ireland. He told Danny about the beautiful scenery there, and after he was done, he asked, “So, what are you up to now, Danno? PT almost done right?”

Danny took a deep breath and started. “Funny you should ask that. I, um, I’m gonna move back to my place, Steve.”

There was a moment of stunned silence.

“Why? Danny, is something wrong?” Steve replied, trying to keep a lock on his emotions.

“No, babe.” Danny grimaced and continued. “I just, uh, think it’s time to move back. You know, you’re out there trying to find yourself and your peace without me…”

Steve gasped, “Danny…”

Shaking his head, Danny kept going. “and that’s fine, Steve. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. You deserve to find the peace and happiness you need. I just need to find myself again a bit. After Joanna died, I felt sorta lost. And I was starting to make sense of my life again before Daiyu Mei swooped in…” He didn’t mention and when you left me. Danny shook that thought from his head.

“So, I need to do this. To remember who I was before I was part of Steve and Danny…” he finished with a fake chuckle.

“Danno, are you sure?” Steve asked, a note of sadness in his voice.

Danny nodded even though Steve couldn’t see him. “Yes.”

There was another moment of charged silence.

“Ok, Danno, I got it. You need this, so I got your back. Whatever you need. Hey, I gotta head out, but I’ll call again, alright?” Steve sounded like he was happy for Danny but wasn’t quite believing it.

Danny replied, “Sure. Bye, babe.”

Steve said clearly, “I love you, Danny.”

“You too.” Danny croaked out. When the call ended, he dropped his phone next to him and covered his face with his hands taking in a few deep breaths.

It was time to find who he was again without Steve.

+++++++

Danny finally completed his eight weeks of PT, and his doctor okayed his return to light work aka paperwork. He still had to check in each month since it was his second gunshot wound in his chest in two years. As part of his process to return to Five-O, the governor mandated Danny to complete visits with his therapist since he survived such a traumatic experience. At first, he was annoyed he had to go to therapy again; he’d rather eat pineapple on his pizza. But during the couple of months of sessions about his kidnapping and near death at the hands of Daiyu Mei, he found himself working through various issues including the death of his partner Grace, his guilt over Matty, his complicated relationship with Rachel, Grace’s kidnapping and almost fatal car accident, Charlie’s paternity and medical condition, as well as other work related stresses and traumas. The governor’s directive for Danny’s therapy was once a week for two months, but he continued past that, and for a few weeks, he was going twice a week. He just unloaded whatever was burdening his mind and heart. He felt stronger for it. He even told the therapist about his feelings for Steve, and she suggested that to find closure or peace about it, he should consider discussing his feelings with Steve. Danny knew she was right but wasn’t ready yet. However, talking things out gave him the perspective he needed.

With the end of PT and his ongoing therapy doing well, he told the kids first he was moving out of Steve’s house. They were shocked, Tani near tears while Junior took the news stoically. But once Danny told them why, they were very supportive and helped Danny move to his now renovated place over two weekends. Lou, Quinn, and Adam also chipped in their time to help with Danny’s move. Since Junior moved in with Tani, they figured out a schedule of who would check on Steve’s place and when including the upkeep of the grounds. Junior and Tani told Danny once he was cleared for regular work, he could share some of the maintenance duties. They'd take care of it for now. Tani joked that maybe they could get Kamekona to hire some of his family. Danny rolled his eyes and smacked her. None of them had enough money for that enterprise.

Eddie was another story. Poor guy was just adapting to his master being gone. Now they were relocating him. Danny decided Eddie would live with him, and Junior would take him as time allowed since he loved Eddie, too. It was a good arrangement, as the loyal dog loved each of them. And he enjoyed the extra attention he was getting.

Danny felt like things were starting to get back to the new normal without Steve while he was at work doing paperwork and running point for any cases from HQ if needed. He surprised himself that he got the hang of the HQ computer table after getting lots of help from the team. Quinn was especially patient, and he appreciated it.

While Danny settled back at work, he still kept in contact with Steve. His best friend would mostly text him to check in with how things were going and send some pictures of gorgeous landscapes and appetizing food. When they did talk on the phone here and there, Steve would catch Danny up on things with him. Danny winced when Steve spoke about Catherine, but tried to sound as supportive as possible. He had to keep reminding himself that if Steve was happy with her, he would just have to accept it. And during one of these phone calls, Danny promised himself that he needed to start dating again. He may be in love with Steve, but he also owed it to himself to move forward and not spend the rest of his life pining after his best friend who was happy with the love of his life.

In a bold move, he asked Adam to be his wingman, explaining he needed to shake things up. He wanted to reclaim who he was before Daiyu Mei and even before his last disastrous attempt to get back with Rachel. What he left unspoken was his need to reinvent himself without Steve.

Adam didn’t even raise an eyebrow and had replied, “You got it, brother. You were there for me when I was lost without Kono, so I’m here for you.”

Danny was so grateful. They went to nice bars, the types professionals patronize. Danny did score dates with some doctors, lawyers, and accountants. He surprised Adam by dating both men and women, but after that initial shock, Adam supported his choices, even offering to set Danny up with friends. He even went on a few double dates with Adam and Tamiko. The companionship was nice, and the sex even nicer, but Danny didn’t feel like any of these people would help him get over Steve. At least he felt like his life was more balanced and not just focused on Steve all the time.

When he first mentioned to Steve that he was dating again, there was a silence long enough that Danny thought the call dropped. He could easily FaceTime Steve but just could not find the courage to see his beloved face again. The phone calls offered distance, a buffer. And Danny needed it so he could continue to support Steve and survive his updates when they included Catherine.

Just when Danny was ready to ask his best friend if he could hear him, an exaggeratedly upbeat Steve jumped back in.

“Hey, buddy, I’m glad you’re getting out there again. You deserve to be happy, too.” His voice cracked on the last bit.

After that last odd tone from Steve, they continued like normal when Danny filled him in on the latest with Grace and Charlie. The rest of the call was pleasant with some of their usual teasing.

But on the next call when Danny mentioned how he and Keith went on a double date with Adam and Tamiko, Steve choked and started coughing on the phone.

“Hey, babe, you ok? Don’t choke on the butter in your coffee, alright?” Danny joked.

Steve got his breath back and said, “Sorry, went down the wrong tube. Wait, so you’re dating guys now, Danny?”

Danny didn’t care for Steve’s tone, but answered, “Well, I did date a few guys back in college, but just stopped once I met Rachel.” He didn’t mention and once I met you. “Is that gonna be a problem for you, Steven?”

Steve quickly responded, “Of course not, Danny. I’m just shocked you never told me this in the over ten years we’ve known each other. And for the record, it’d be hypocritical of me if it was.”

Now it was Danny’s turn to gasp. “Wait, when the hell were you dating guys, Steve? In all the years we’ve been together, you’ve only talked about women.”

Sighing, Steve said, “Well, I didn’t really date guys, Danny. When I was deployed, I helped my teammates out like they helped me. So to be more specific, I’ve had sex with guys, but not actually dated them. I enjoyed the sex and was even attracted to some of the guys, but DADT kept me from being open about being sexually attracted to men.”

Danny couldn’t help himself. “Did Cath know?”

Steve chuckled briefly. “Of course, man. I told her I slept with several men and was attracted to some. She was cool with it since she had some bi friends and family.”

Danny admired Steve’s honesty, and he wanted to be honest, too.

“Steve, dating these men and women - it’s nothing serious. Don’t get me wrong, the company and sex are great, but they don’t compare to you.”

It sounded like Steve sniffled on the other end of the line. His voice was slightly hoarse. “And just so you know, partner, no one will ever replace you. No one can. Hey, we gotta grab some food…”

Danny teased, “Try not to ruin your food with pineapple, you animal. Enjoy your meal.”

Snickering, Steve added, “Copy that.”

Steve’s voice became sincere again. “I’ll call you again soon, Danno. I love you.”

Automatically, Danny replied, “You, too.”

Steve’s breath hitched before saying, “I miss you, Danny. Talk to you soon. Bye.”

Danny exhaled, “I miss you, too. Bye, babe.”

Once Danny placed his phone down, he was like, good going Williams. You almost told him you’re in love with him while Cath was right there. Don’t be an idiot next time.

+++++++

It had been a week since that eye-opening phone call and about six months since Steve left, Danny had been back to regular responsibilities at work for about a month. His therapy sessions were twice a month now. He was still seeing people but didn’t feel the desperation to date like when he first started a few months ago. He felt confident in his own skin again, feeling better both professionally and personally. But he was still in love with Steve. Danny finally decided. Fuck it. I’ll always love the maniac, I just have to live with it.

And it came to a head during one of their phone calls almost two months later.

Danny couldn’t keep himself from asking, “You happy with Cath, Steve?”

There was a pause before Steve said, “I wouldn’t know. She left about two months ago on another CIA assignment. She offered to come back when her job was over, but I told her that I need stability and consistency and her work didn’t provide that. I said I was proud that she found her way and happy for her that she loved her job. I told her that I would always love her, but she deserved someone who was in love with her.”

Danny’s heart sped up with hope. “So, what are you saying, Steve?”

Steve pushed air through his nose. “I’m saying that I couldn’t commit to her because I’m in love with you.”

“Steve…?” Danny’s voice shook with emotion.

“Danny, every time I told you I love you when we ended our calls, I meant it as I’m in love with you. You never repeated it to me so I assumed you didn’t feel the same way. But once you told me you dated guys, I got hopeful again. And after that phone call, I stopped sleeping with Cath. And she knew something was up with the no sex but never called me on it. That’s just not what we do. Things are easy for us, and when they’re not, we still pretend that they are. But my heart couldn’t just be satisfied with what was easy and familiar anymore. I needed the challenge and passion. I need you.”

Danny confessed, “Babe, I’m in love with you, too. I just couldn’t tell you since I thought you had your happily ever after with Catherine. When I figured you guys were permanent, I dated to move on without you. But it’s no use, Steve. I want you. I want everything with you.”

Choked with emotion, Steve whispered, “Danny.. I’m coming home.”

“I’m so glad, babe. I love you.”

+++++++

Two days later, Danny was at baggage claim. He spotted Steve immediately, tall and gorgeous with a full beard and short but longer than military regulation hair. Steve saw him too, and his face lit up with a huge smile that crinkled his eyes. They moved quickly through the crowd to each other. As he got closer, Danny spotted the specks of white in Steve’s hair and thought it just made his big goof even more handsome. Finally, they were in front of each other. Dropping his duffel, Steve wrapped his arms around Danny hugging him tightly. He tucked his face into Danny’s hair and inhaled deeply.

“Danno, I missed you so much.”

Danny just squeaked out a “me too” while he hugged Steve. He was too busy inhaling the travel worn scent of Steve. He couldn’t get enough of the man he loved. He rubbed his face into Steve’s chest, reveling in the physical presence he had wanted so much all these months and at long last had.

They moved so their foreheads were resting against each other. Breathing the same air, not aware of the bustle of the people around them.

Danny broke their peaceful bubble by moving his face away so he could look into Steve’s eyes. “Did you find the peace you needed, babe?”

Huffing and licking his lips, Steve shook his head. His left hand held Danny’s face as his gaze never wavered. “Not yet, but I’m working on it. I know I’ll get there with therapy and what I need most.”

Danny tilted his head questioningly at Steve.

“You.”

Then Steve kissed Danny. Eyes fluttering closed, Danny returned the kiss. Like this thing they were doing happened every day.

Feeling a surge of joy, Danny broke the kiss with a smile. Smiling himself, Steve opened his eyes.

“I think I need you to repeat yourself, I didn’t quite hear you,” Danny said with a smirk as he pulled Steve down again. This time, the kiss was firmer. Danny nipped Steve's bottom lip and he opened his mouth. Always the control freak, Steve cupped Danny's face so he could move him where he wanted. He hummed contentedly as he tasted Danny. A couple times, their teeth clacked, but their tongues soothed the minor mishaps. The frantic exploration continued until they needed air.

Eyes opening and panting a bit as their lips parted, they grinned at each other goofily.

“I think we gave the airport enough of a show, babe.” Danny joked.

Steve chuckled. He sobered a bit and said, “Danny, I love you.”

Danny smiled brightly as his heart thudded happily. “I love you, too, Steve. Let’s go home.”

“And where is that exactly?” Steve asked mischievously.

“Wherever you and I are together.” Danny replied quickly.

Appeased, Steve grabbed his bag and slung it on his left shoulder. He pulled Danny under his right arm as they walked to the car.

Danny with Steve. Strong on their own. Strongest together.

FIN.

[authorlmfletcher]

Miraculous Valentine’s Day: Day 14

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490619/14/Love-Bug-A-Series-of-Miraculous-Love-Stories

Valentine’s Day: Eternal Soulmates

Find this, and all the valentine’s day stories from @epcot97​, @livrever​, and I on Ao3 and FFnet.

                                  ________________________________

Eternal soulmates. It is a strange idea to think that your life is somehow intertwined with someone else's in such a way that you are destined to be together for eternity. Most people dismiss the concepts of soulmates as a fairy tale. Or they wash it down to the general idea of romantic love. Which is exactly what Adrien Agreste thought too. At least until he discovered exactly what eternal soulmates meant. Because he had one.

At the age of 14, Adrien had spent most of his life in the relative captivity of his home with a cold, stern father. Confined within the four walls of his room, he spent hours in front of screens trying to connect somehow with the real world. The oversized windows that lined an entire wall of his bedroom gave him a glimpse at the world outside, but cast long bar-like shadows across the floor in a silent reminder that this was his cage.

It was a ring that offered him the freedom he dreamt of - letting him escape through one of those windows and out onto the rooftops of Paris. Changing his appearance to one of a black cat, the power within the ring hid his identity, giving him the opportunity to be who he wanted without punishment. Freedom was exhilarating. He would never take that gift for granted.

When the girl in the red suit crashed into him unexpectedly, tangling them both together upside down, he met her eyes with excited trepidation. It wasn't an instant soul-shattering explosive moment when they first met - that came later - but as he stared into the depths of her blue eyes rimmed in a red mask, there was an overwhelming sense that he knew her.

Shrugging it off, he leapt off to save the day, encouraging his nervous new partner while revelling in the wonder of the world. He hated to go home to his gilded cage, locked behind windows, but his father would be furious if he discovered the truth. At least now, his prison had a door.

He dreamt that night of running. The sounds of his footsteps pounding against cement mingled with the heaviness of his breathing. He had no idea where he was running to, only that he was - buildings rushing by as he pushed forward. A distant voice called to him, his name echoing off the walls.

And then there she was: the girl in the mask. She stood alone, nervously hunched over herself in anxiety of failure. Her eyes met his in desperation, begging for him to help her but he didn’t know how. He couldn’t shake the feeling that, somehow, he knew who she was - a ridiculous idea since his life had been so carefully guarded that he basically knew no one.

The taste of freedom made him desperate for more, urging him to flee the house as himself and not just as his alter-ego. Against his father’s wishes, he escaped through the doors and raced to school, hoping to find the freedom that he desired. Every experience was new and overwhelming and exciting - surrounded by other teenagers and chaos. Desire for friendship led to well-intentioned mistakes and a girl in his class who responded in anger, leaving him confused.

Duty called, pulling him from the new room of potential friends, sending him jumping into the fray against giant men of stone. Finally, he stood side by side with his spotted partner in defiance against the villain, encouraging her to believe in herself. Deju-vu rattled his thoughts for the briefest of moments while her eyes turned from worried to determined and her stance grew in confidence at his words.

It was then, watching her in awe as she challenged their opponent with utter tenacity, her yo-yo whirling in well-controlled movements, that Adrien remembered. A thousand lifetimes flashed through his memories in a single moment, leaving him speechless and gaping at the woman in red. A woman who lived a thousand lifetimes beside him, fates tangled together for eternity. His lady.

Whoever she was behind that mask, he knew that he loved her.

“So she doesn’t remember?” Adrien asked, head spinning with too much, too fast. How does one process the reality of reincarnation and having lived before?  His advisor was a small black cat-like creature named Plagg - an immortal being known as a kwami who granted him the ring’s power of freedom. Plagg embodied the very essence of destruction and bad luck, addicted to the foul-tasting flavour of camembert, and typically aversed to offering much in the way of advice. But today, the cat looked concerned, hovering closeby with his tiny ears plastered against his head.

“No,” Plagg admitted, his words spoken with care.

“ Will she remember?” Adrien couldn’t really understand what exactly was happening. According to Plagg, the black cat and ladybug had been two halves of a whole since the beginning of man. Their lives were fused together with magic, their souls connected in each rebirth of themselves.

While their lives didn’t have to be connected by romance, it usually was. In every case, the black cat remembered while the ladybug didn’t. He was destined to remind her. And when life called its end, it was his life that vanished first to leave her behind and alone until she too passed on - the cycle to return again in the next lifetime.

The lives he’d lived before felt both vivid and hidden behind a pane of obscuring glass. He could only remember pieces, but enough to know it was true. War and peace, riches and poverty, happiness and sorrow. They ran the gamut and left his reality dizzy.

He would die first. The thought should have haunted him, but all he could think about was her. His Ladybug.

“How do I remind her?” he whispered, the vision of her eyes driving his soul to madness.

Plagg explained that this part of the journey was complicated. Each incarnation had a different experience than the past but mostly a connection together in some way, getting to know each other both in and out of the masks.

“And can you tell me who she is?”

Plagg sighed in response.

“No.”

The pull of destiny on his soul turned what had promised him freedom to a whole new adventure. Ladybug filled his thoughts and his dreams. Every moment that he could be with her and learn all about her made his heart sing. He loved her - each and every thing about her. When she laughed, he felt himself melt with joy. When she cried, his heart twisted in agony.

He threw himself in harm's way to keep her safe, taking the hits that were meant to hurt her. Made jokes to make her smile. Relished in her disapproving eye rolls.

He found himself hoping for the villain to attack more often so he could press forward in his attempts to woo her. When she whispered that she loved someone else, he yearned for more but gave her space. Wishing he could tell her of the lives they'd lived together, he waited, trying to respect her wishes and enjoy her companionship as a friend without letting his heart break in two.

As school, he daydreamed of who she could be behind the mask.

Sometimes, he thought he knew who she was -  that girl who had been so mad on the first day of school. He replayed the memory of their meeting in the rain as he apologized for the misunderstanding. It wasn't the same knowing as the first time he had met Ladybug, but when thunder cracked and their hands touched, he had hoped that maybe she was the one. Friendship blossomed between them.

As always, Plagg would caution wisdom in the search because finding out identities before destiny's plan would spell disaster for them both. So Adrien waited, dreaming of the lives of their past.

But as the months grew, he felt a knot in the base of his stomach that just won’t go away. Maybe this time around was when they would just be friends. He didn’t want to believe it - the moments of happiness that she could reveal of her life outside the mask cutting deep into his heart.

“We belong together, my lady,” he pleaded, begging her to listen to him, but she would shake her head with a soft smile and dismiss the thought.

He tried to forget, to accept what it was, but he couldn’t. Memories sank too deep to let it fully go. He tried to move on, to find some level of contentment with someone else, but he couldn’t. His heart belonged to her and her alone.

Time flew past, growing up together within their suits as partners- him always yearning for more and her always avoiding it.

When her happiness turned to heartbreak, it took every ounce of effort not to unleash the black cat's fury on the one who made her cry on his shoulder in deep racking sobs.

That night, something changed within her. Her head would rest on his shoulder a moment longer. Her eyes would linger for a split second more. Her eye rolls less dramatic. Change moved slowly, but he could wait.

As her broken heart knit itself together, he tried to weave himself into it with gentle care and compassion of adulthood instead of the brash dramatics of youth.

At the age of 20, Adrien Agreste had earned his freedom both in and out of the suit, clawing a life for himself away from the overbearing control of his father. Age had brought him wisdom and a heart that loved without ceasing.

Ladybug deserved the best he could be, even if it meant he could be nothing more than her rock to lean on. Because love does that - gives without expecting. But hope kept his heart beating.

They had been superheroes together for so long they were familiar and comfortable with each other's touch. Which is why he jumped at her unexpectedly sharp intake of breath as he touched her arm one day, a fiery burn creeping its way across her masked cheeks without explanation.

He guarded the questions he desperately wanted to know her answers to, waiting with a lifetime of patience.

When, underneath the moonlight, she stepped quivering into his waiting embrace to gaze at him with those beautiful eyes, his hope exploded. Her gloves trailed lines down his cheeks as she gaped with eyes that seemed to be truly seeing for the first time.

"I know you," she whispered, searching for answers.

"I love you," his only response before his lips fell to hers in soft warmth.

The world exploded in that single moment, fire and wind and ice wrapped up into one as their souls collided in perfect harmony. The memories he had only seen flashes of tore through the veil, pieces falling in place as they both remembered everything and every life.  

Pulling apart, they simply stared deep into each other's souls as they wove themselves together. Masks vanished in a rainbow of colour, leaving their faces as bare as their souls.

Marinette. The girl under the umbrella in the rain. His friend who had always loved him, too. It made so much sense now that he understood.

"Adrien." His name spoken in complete and utter love shook him to his core. This was how it was meant to be. Together forever.

He couldn't stop himself from kissing her again.

[annabethisterrified]

Book Review: THE SHIP OF THE DEAD by Rick Riordan (Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard #3)

Non-spoiler review below. But if you press ‘Keep Reading’, there will be spoilers. 

Despite being chosen as a dead warrior in the Viking afterlife Valhalla, Magnus Chase’s talents lie in healing, not fighting. After a violent death and the disturbing revelation of his family’s ties to the Norse pantheon, Magnus has spent the past months adapting to his strange afterlife. He’s befriended his hallmates on Floor 19, and swapped demigod stories with his cousin Annabeth, daughter of Athena. 

After a handful of perilous quests, cryptic prophecies, and intense training, Magnus and his friends reach the brink of Ragnarok-- the end of all the nine worlds, and the victory of the trickster god, Loki. In this trilogy’s final installment, they must defeat an ancient, complicated being. But this time, words must be the weapons.

I remember when the announcement of this trilogy was released back in 2015. I was overwhelmingly apprehensive. So this guy is related to Annabeth Chase, my favorite character of all time? Is Riordan just cranking out a mythological formula? I was excited, of course, but an undercurrent of nerves and wavering expectations was waiting underneath.

But right from the opening excerpt, I felt a wash of relief. We were in good hands with Magnus, and the new worlds we got to experience were fresh and enthralling, and a wonderful story was well on its way. 

Riordan mixed it up a lot with this trilogy. For once, the ‘main’ female and male characters (Samirah and Magnus) were just really good friends, without a hint or expectation of romantic attraction. The concept of how different religions can co-exist in a strange reality was addressed thoroughly. Alex Fierro, a trans, genderfluid POC character graced the pages of a book written for young readers. The final battle was spoken instead of fought.

I feel kind of sad and hollow now that the trilogy is complete; I always do, after the end of a series that’s really impacted my life. But the feelings of immense joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction of a journey-well-traveled overtake that nostalgia. I couldn’t have imagined a better ending to this incredible story than what we saw in The Ship of the Dead.

Riordan masterfully handled all of the looming storylines presented in the first two books. The characters are handled with attention and creative design; new revelations and long-deserved developments unfold with ease and excitement. Each installment successfully built upon itself, improving and snowballing into one epic finale. 

More of my reviews

My Goodreads

Riordan’s Tumblr

For spoiler-filled commentary, please keep reading below!

WELCOME! So I’ve been like replaying this book low-key in my head for the past few days just because it’s so damn perfect and makes me happy. 

If you follow me, you probably know that I’ve been a hardcore Fierrochase shipper since Day One, and honestly, this book like blew me away??? I truly wasn’t positive if their relationship would be explicitly addressed or if they’d even kiss once like on the cheek...

But they kiss TWICE and Magnus is SHIRTLESS? Okay!!!!!! OKAY!!!! I’M SO ALIVE

Alex, understandably, isn’t 100% solid on where she stands with Magnus, which is both realistic and completely relatable, considering they essentially have eternity ahead of them. I like that they both clearly express their romantic feelings for each other, but that they don’t have ‘insta-love’ or immediately enter a full-blown relationship. 

I’m also a Blitzen/Hearthstone shipper. I realize their relationship wasn’t addressed, but honestly, I’m cool with it. Knowing that they’re living and working together in the Chase Space, and witnessing all their wonderful scenes together in TSOTD was fine by me!

(The selfie of them with Magnus while they were homeless showing up on Magnus’s mantle made me cry)

I like that the nature of Mallory, Halfborn, and TJ’s deaths weren’t revealed until this book. It gave a lot more depth to the characters at a pivotal and appropriate time. 

So, that final battle/flyting. It was a bit hokey and tongue-in-cheek, but come on. I ate it right up. Cried. The whole shebang. Magnus’s speech not only gave a nice final overview of how far all the characters have come, but it was very interesting to see a war won with nothing but words. Coming from an author whose previous final battles have been very physical and relied on brute strength/special powers, it was very intriguing to see how a god could be defeated with words alone, which also was a fitting highlight of how Magnus differs from Riordan’s other protagonists.

The Chase Space is something I predicted after reading the opening chapters, and I’m so glad the mansion’s being put to good use. Seeing how Magnus, Alex, Blitz, and Hearth fit into the place’s mission was overwhelming and really emotional for me tbh. Especially how Alex lets the kids open up to her, and knowing that Blitzen’s shop is operational and helping kids have a steady job.

ANd of coooourse Riordan just had to throw in that final, angsty phone call with Annabeth. Right when everything was happy and perfect, we realize that all is NOT in fact well. (Is it ever?) Now I’m eagerly freaking out/anticipating The Burning Maze so i can find out why Percy and Annabeth are crying. What’s the bad news? I’m assuming it has to do with Tyson and/or Ella, because of her prophetic ability and the current plotline of The Trials of Apollo. Guess we’ll find out in May!

But back to Magnus. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for the adventure of a lifetime. This trilogy was utterly magical, hilarious, and heartwarming. I’m so glad I was along for the ride, and I’ll miss it terribly. But I’ll smile knowing that everyone is safe and well in the Chase Space and Valhalla.

Until Ragnarok, that is. 

[gilbertandanne]

Third installment to the Serendipity/Amaranthine universe. How far would you go in order to protect someone you love? WARNING: as with the first two parts in the series, there is an overall trigger warning for abuse (physical, mental, emotional). That, combined with the adult themes in this fic (alcohol, language, situations, etc), are the reason for the rating. Primarily Rucas.

Rating: M

Soundtrack (not at all in order and will be edited as the story progresses)

Word count: 3,041

Prologue | One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine |

                                                    Elysian

Chapter Five: Abeona

Abeona: Roman Goddess of Outward Journeys. Abeona’s name comes from the Latin verb abeo: “to depart, go away, or go forth”.

Two weeks later…

It was a three-hour flight, but Riley knew that it would feel so much longer than that.  She knew that Maya would fall asleep the moment they took off.  She knew that Zay would have his headphones plugged in and would probably pass out while Farkle worked on some new patent for his father’s company.  She knew she wouldn’t have anyone to talk to.  She also knew that she wouldn’t be able to concentrate long enough to justify buying a movie to watch on the way there.

Over the last two weeks, she must have talked herself in and out of going to Texas at least a dozen times.  Every day, she felt a different way.  Her head told her to stay and go to Charlie’s parole hearing.  Her heart unwaveringly protested and commanded her to get on the plane and go see her boyfriend.  Head versus heart: the eternal debate.  Every single time she considered staying in the city, she talked herself out of it, because staying meant that she had to explain everything to Lucas.  He would want to know why she couldn’t come, or why she had to cut her trip short.

Telling him was a whole other issue.  She constantly battled herself over the last two weeks with whether or not to tell him about Charlie’s parole hearing.  She knew that he deserved to know the truth.  He needed to know that there was a possibility that her ex-boyfriend could be released from prison.  Although at the same time, she knew that he was having one of the best summers in Texas with his family.  He seemed so happy to be able to work alongside his grandfather and his father.  He had spent most of his evenings playing cards with them.  He always had this incredible smile on his face whenever he told her about spending time with both of them.  She knew that if she brought Charlie up that it would all somehow disappear.  She knew that the demons of their past would come charging back at him, and he didn’t deserve that.  Charlie was her problem.  He was never Lucas’s problem.

Besides, there was nothing to tell him, so she didn’t.  She’d much rather hear about his fishing trip with his father than to have to confess that the darkest part of her past had resurfaced.

As she slid her headphones on, she glanced out at the clouds that were now below them.  In two years, she hadn’t lied to him about anything, but with every passing day, she knew a lie of omission was still a lie.  Even though she had the best intentions, she knew that she was holding back from him.  It was hard to do.  She had shared everything with him ever since they reconciled, but she knew that she was doing this for his benefit, not hers.  She would do anything to protect him and ensure his happiness—even if that meant pretending that everything was ok in New York.

Now she had the seemingly impossible assignment to go through the next week as if nothing was wrong.  She would be forced to hide from him.  July 7th would be their last full day in Texas.  She knew she wouldn’t be able to find out what happened with Charlie until she got home.  She knew she could wait a day.  She had no other choice.  It was better than potentially finding out about his release while they were there.  She knew that she would completely implode and immediately expose what she had hidden from Lucas for the last month.  She didn’t want that.  She wanted a peaceful trip.  She wanted to curl up in his arms under the stars on their hill and know that their world was still theirs.  She wasn’t about to let Charlie Gardner ruin this.

She closed her eyes as she leaned her head back against the headrest.  The last conversation she had with her boyfriend replayed through her mind.  He seemed so happy.  She wasn’t sure if she had ever seen him quite that excited.  He was completely covered in mud and looked exhausted, but as he told her about how he helped deliver six piglets, his eyes lit up in such a way that nearly took her breath away.  He seemed so happy, so free.  Gone were the demons he spent years trying to slay.  Gone was the bitterness he had toward his father.  He looked like a kid on Christmas morning.  She knew she wanted to remember that smile, so she took a screenshot of him.  That picture was now his contact picture in her phone.  She knew that Lucas was the real Lucas.

She smiled softly as she listened to her ‘Lucas’ playlist.  It was going to be a good week.

The moment they stepped off the plane, Riley promised herself that she wouldn’t think about Charlie, the parole hearing, the apartment search, or anything else that would only cause her to stress out.  They were in Texas to relax and have fun.  It was a vacation.  That meant forgetting, even if only for a week, about everything at home.

On the other hand, she knew that the more you tried not to think about something, the more you thought about it.  As they walked out of their gate, her eyes immediately fell to the ground as she desperately tried to give herself a mental pep talk.  Lucas knew her just as well as she knew him.  If she seemed the least bit concerned about something, he wouldn’t stop asking her about it until she told him what it was.  So, she had to convince herself that there was nothing to worry about.  She had written her victim’s statement—all ten pages of it—and made sure that it went through the proper channels so the parole board would read it and know that Charlie was still a danger to a society and that he deserved to stay exactly where he had been for the last three years.

Maya noticed the tenseness that seemed to radiate from Riley.  She thought that the brunette would be ok once they got to Texas, but if anything, Riley seemed even more anxious with every step she took.  “Are you ok?”

Riley took a deep breath. “Yeah,” she calmly responded as she turned to Maya.  “Why do you ask?”

“Because you were staring a hole into the floor and,” she slid the strap of her carryon bag over her shoulder, “Normally by now, you’d be halfway to the baggage claim to see him.”

Riley’s lips formed a thin line as she lowered her gaze back to the ground.  This was going to be a lot harder than she first thought.  “Yeah, I was just…waiting for you guys to catch up, you know?”

“Is something wrong,” Zay asked the girls as he and Farkle walked up to them.  “I figured Riley would be halfway to baggage claim by now.”

“Guys, I’m perfectly fine,” she assured them.  “More than fine, actually.  I just wanted to wait for you to catch up…so we could all go together.”

Farkle couldn’t help but laugh.  The group had turned their annual arrival at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport into a running joke over the last two years.  Every time they visited Lucas in Texas, Riley was always the first person off the plane.  Whenever the rest of them caught up to her, she would already have her arms wrapped around her boyfriend.  They actually debated on turning it into some sort of a bet to see who, if anyone, could spot Lucas before she did. “Since when?”

“Since now,” she answered with a slight strain in her voice.  What was the big deal?  She waited for just a moment and suddenly everyone was acting like it was the end of the world or something.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”  Zay knew that he was risking her wrath, but it was very weird for her to just stand at the gate instead of making a direct beeline toward their normal rendezvous with Lucas.  Zay wasn’t the most observant person in their group, but he had to admit that Riley had seemed pretty stressed out over the last few weeks.  

“Yes,” she decisively answered before she turned to Farkle.  “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”  He didn’t deserve that.  She knew that she seemed off.  It didn’t help that everyone else had picked up on it. If they could tell, she knew Lucas would be able to tell too.  ‘Get it together, Matthews.��

“It’s ok.”  He gave her a small smile.  He could tell that she was distracted, but he knew Riley well enough to know when to push and when to back off.  If she wanted to talk about it, he knew that she would.

She sighed.  “I’m just…tired, I guess.”

“Understandable,” Zay began as he put a reassuring arm around her shoulders.  “Changing time zones and three hours cramped on that plane is enough to make anyone a little frustrated. You’ll feel better once we get settled in.”

She nodded.  Maybe she just needed a little fresh air.  “Yeah.”

As they walked toward the baggage claim, Riley worried that her boyfriend would immediately notice what everyone else already had—that she seemed to be completely unlike herself.  ‘No,’ she quickly told herself.  He wouldn’t get the chance to pick up on that. She was an actress—and a good one at that.  She was studying acting at one of the best theatre programs in the country for crying out loud.  She could fake it, and then when she got home, she’d find out that Charlie’s request for parole was denied and she could go back to her life without worrying that Charlie Gardner would re-enter her world and destroy her life.

But for now, she needed to push him as far away from her mind as possible, because she was finally in Texas and about to be reunited with the guy she had been severely missing for nearly two months.  

She twisted the meteorite ring around her finger as the group made it to baggage claim.  She didn’t see him at their normal meeting spot at first because of the sheer amount of people that surrounded the area.  She followed the others as they went to the appropriate carousel, but paid no attention to the bags as they slid out of the tunnel as she continued to survey her surroundings.  He had to be there.  He wouldn’t forget to pick them up, would he?

As some of the crowd began to clear out, she scrutinized every single corner of the area they were in.  When her brown eyes finally met a pair of familiar green ones, all thoughts of Charlie and the stupid hearing went out of her mind.  He was there.  She was there.  They were mere feet from one another instead of thousands of miles.  A genuine smile, the first in nearly a month, immediately formed on her lips as she left her friends in a dead sprint towards her boyfriend.

Lucas’s smile matched that of his girlfriend’s when he saw her.  He quickly jogged toward her, more than ready to hold her in his arms once again.  Initially, he was afraid he was going to be late, but thankfully their plane landed about fifteen minutes late.

“Hi,” she breathlessly greeted the moment she knew that she was within earshot of him.

“Hey,” he automatically answered as he took the final ten steps toward her.

“Hi,” she repeated the moment they both stopped in front of one another.  It has been forty-nine days since she had last seen him face to face.  In that time, she had completed her theatre intensive summer class, looked at what must have been a hundred potential apartments, and found out that her abusive ex-boyfriend might be getting released from prison early.  It had been an emotionally draining forty-nine days since she could reach out and hold the safest place she had ever known.

Before she could take that last step, he had already collapsed under the weight of those forty-nine days apart.  She barely had the chance to blink before he wrapped his arms around her in a warm embrace.

She closed her eyes as she slowly exhaled.  She knew that this was exactly what she needed.  She needed his warmth and light to calm her ever growing fears that life, as she knew it, was about to completely change.

Maya must have spent the better part of the last ten minutes staring at the couple in the front seat of the truck.  Normally after picking everyone up from the airport, Riley and Lucas would talk non-stop until they reached Pappy Joe’s farm.  The way they practically cooed at one another was so vomit-inducing that she, Farkle, and Zay would end up playing rock, paper, scissors to determine who would be forced to ride with them while the other two rode in the back of the truck on the way to the farm.

On this particular occasion, the five of them had more than enough room to ride inside of the truck Lucas had driven to pick them up in.  Instead of talking everyone’s ears off like they normally did, Riley and Lucas rode in complete, practically deafening silence.  Maya quickly decided that she hated this a lot more than the nauseating declarations of who missed whom more.  The air inside of the truck felt tense, like it was the beginning of a horror movie or something.  

‘Charlie,’ she mentally groaned.  She hated that Riley refused to tell Lucas about what could happen with Charlie, but she also promised Riley that she wouldn’t say a word about it.  It wasn’t her news to give, and she wasn’t about to get in the middle of that situation with them.  She understood why Riley wanted to leave him out of it, but if it was creating this much tension between them, wouldn’t it be worth it just to get it out in the open?  It wasn’t like Riley had done anything wrong.  She couldn’t help that Charlie was up for parole.

“So,” Maya drawled out as she desperately needed to cut the silence with conversation, “Pappy Joe got a new truck?”

“Yeah,” Lucas answered as they drove further away from the city.  “He bought it a few months ago.”  He glanced at Riley before he looked back at the road.  She seemed quiet—too quiet.  He had hoped that the awkwardness of their last few conversations would fade when they saw one another.  For a moment, he thought it had, but as they drove closer and closer to the farm, Lucas realized that there had to be something on her mind.

Riley lightly drummed her fingers against the door as she felt the warm Texas air hit her face.  She tucked a piece of hair behind her hair as she turned toward her boyfriend.  “He got rid of the old one?”

Lucas couldn’t help the smirk that spread across his lips as he glanced at Riley once more.  About a hundred dreams and one very real heated exchange between them flashed through his mind at the mention of his grandfather’s old truck.  “Actually, he gave it to me.”

Riley knit her eyebrows together.  “He gave it to you?”

Lucas nodded.  “Yeah.  Sometimes we need to go to town to get certain things and instead of waiting for the other one to get back, he just gave me the old one.”  He gripped the steering wheel with his left hand as he lowered his other hand to rest on top of hers.  “He let me take his truck to the airport because he knew that it would be a tight fit with all of us and the luggage.”

Riley looked down the moment she felt his hand on top of hers.  She smiled softly as she rotated her hand and interlaced their fingers together.  When she looked back up at him, she bit the inside of her cheek.  “How are the piglets doing?”

The thousand-watt smile that she had only ever seen when he talked about helping the sow deliver her piglets immediately returned to his face.  “They’re perfect.  I can’t wait for you to see them.  I built them a little pen to keep them separated from the other pigs for now.”

Riley couldn’t help but to smile at the sheer happiness on her boyfriend’s face.  He seemed so happy, so peaceful.  There wasn’t a trace of anger or rage in him.  In that moment, he seemed so alive.  

Zay leaned forward as he looked at his best friend.  “What’s the plan for tonight?”

Lucas glanced at him briefly before he turned his attention back to the road in front of them.  “Well, I thought that maybe you guys would want to take it easy tonight.”

“I don’t know about everyone else, but I was kind of hoping to go out tonight,” Maya told him.  “I slept on the plane, and all I can think about right now is trying those margaritas that Riley got drunk off at Chubbie’s three years ago.”

Riley glared at her best friend.  “Very funny.”

Maya shrugged.  “Just a suggestion.”

“I’m with Maya,” Zay agreed.  “Chillin’ at the farm sounds cool and all, but not tonight.  We’re all here.  We’re all friends.  Let’s go have some fun tonight.”

Maya turned to her ex-boyfriend.  “What say you, Farkle?”

Farkle looked up from his phone as he grinned.  “Oh, I say ‘yes’.  I’m definitely ready to eat some more of those ribs.”

Zay laughed.  “That’s three votes.  Riley?  Lucas?”

Lucas glanced at his girlfriend.  “Up to you.”

Riley looked at her boyfriend for a long moment before she glanced at the three hopeful faces in the backseat.  “Yeah.  It’s been…a stressful summer.  I think we’re overdue for a night of fun.”

“Just a night?” Zay laughed.  “You guys are here for a week.  If I have any say in it, every night is going to be some kind of party.”

[yoonia]

About Time // Part 5

Character: Jungkook x reader / Jimin x reader (feat. BTS)

↳ Type/Genre/words: Angst, Alternate Universe (Time Travel!au/Time Leap!au, Soulmate!au) / 9,135 words

↳ Prompts: “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion

↳ Summary: Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?

↳ Warnings: Mentions of cancer

↳ Author’s Note: Starting from this chapter ahead timeline will flip back and forth between the current life and some flashbacks of the past life experiences that the OC had gone through. To make things less confusing, I will add the timeline info aside from location and year, so you can differentiate them in case the chapter has two different timelines at the same time. Thank you for reading. I hope the slow plot on this chapter won’t bore or confuse you^^

↳ ⤎ Previous Chapter | series index: about time | Next Chapter ⇢

—Present life, year 2015—

They had warned me about the struggles I had to face against the illness, against the demons that were growing inside my body. But thankfully, I was in good condition at the moment of the surgery. In addition to how early it was found, I was able to beat them almost completely through the first surgery. I had even survived the second one which took place months after.

The recovery process, however, was a pain in the butt.

Not to mention the long list of the procedures I had to endure to thoroughly clear those demons out of my system.

I hated chemotherapy. I hated what they did to my body. But at least I got to skip the radiation process, which sounded more terrifying to go through than the other ones.

But that was only because it would not be the first time I had to endure that process. There was a part of my brain that still remembered how it felt, even if my body itself had never experienced them—well, not in this lifetime, that is. Not yet.

Days, weeks, months passed by until the hospital gave me a green light, showing me the latest test results and radioscopic pictures showing me that there was no longer any tracks of masses found in me. Although that did not necessarily mean they had let me go without a warning, a long lecture of the one thing that would possibly happen to me unless I undergo a routine health check and follow up treatments every month. Everything that was necessary to make sure that I would not fall into a relapse.

Little did they knew how much I knew a thing or two about them.

That first year was rough. Having to face recovery while keeping up with school was a long and troublesome battle. Everyone insisted that I took a break from school until I got better, but I refused to take my time for granted, insisting to catch up with my study—which, to be honest, was hard but not impossible to do.

I was living in the body of the model student in school. And since my current brain still held the knowledge of my recent studying life—regardless of having the memory of an old housewife sealed in the back of my mind—I could still catch up with a lot of things. And thanks to the help of Taehyung and my other classmates who stayed by my side during my stay in the hospital with piles of school books and after-school lectures, I could still graduate at the same time as I did on my old life.

Which led me to the day I finally started the new step in my new life.

College freshman year.

I was standing in my new dorm room, staring out the window with my mind wandering back in time. Everything that had happened for the past few years came running through my head. Events regarding my journey against the illness had been hard and time felt like an eternity and never-ending when I had to go through all the hardship. But now when I have passed all of that, all of the things I went through seemed like a dream. Like glimpses of short movies. Yet thanks to the past hardship itself, I was able to push back all of the memories from my past life and seal them away momentarily, giving me a chance to focus on my current life, focus on getting better.

They would still come back to me occasionally like pieces of puzzles. Each piece appearing much clearer than the other as they came and went. But I had decided to not let them completely control me, as I had decided to not let the chance of my new life for granted, to not cling onto my past life and gain the best I could of what I was having at this moment.

And now that my life was becoming a lot more in peace, I should be prepared to have those memories coming back to me to remind me of why I came back in time.

The sound of rushed footsteps slightly dragging themselves on the floor, followed by the sounds of ragged breaths and deep grunts grabbed my attention. I turned around to see my brother and my best friend passing through the door, each one of them carrying a huge box on each of their arms before dropping them down on the floor.

“Ah, finally—” Hoseok roughly groaned, bending down with his palms resting on his knees as he tried to catch his breaths. Taehyung, who came in with the same state as he did, flopped down on the bed, sprawling his sore limbs over the clean mattress as he lied down on his back.

“How can you carry more boxes of books than your clothes?” Hoseok complained between short breaths, straightening his body and placing his hands on his waist to look at me. “Should I be concerned about your social life?”

Taehyung chuckled from behind him, keeping his eyes still spacing out at the ceiling. “Don’t worry. She still has me around to have fun with,” he said with a geeky grin on his face.

My brother turned his body slightly to glance over at him, sighing to disagree. “Ugh—Great, now I’m getting more worried.”

“Oh, come on, Hoseok,” I chuckled while walking closer to my brother, placing my palms on his shoulder to make him turn around and look at me. “You should be thankful that you have a sister who is a top-class nerd, who only hangs out with the world’s best geek. It saves you from the trouble of kicking assholes out of my bed, or pushing away fuckboys that would dare to come closer.”

“I was actually looking forward to that,” he nonchalantly said to me with a playful frown. And then he laughed, wriggling his eyebrows as he spoke, “That way I can show people what kind of reliable big brother I can be.”

“Not in this lifetime, big brother,” I told him with a wink.

“So what’s your plan this semester?”

It was a warm and bright day, when Taehyung and I laid down on the clean grass side by side, with our eyes looking up at the bright sky to watch the clouds. We had our stomach full from early lunch, droopy eyes from attending our morning classes, and was so close to falling asleep on one of the quietest parks in our campus.

“Honestly? I have no idea,” I answered him then, only when I could roughly guess what he was actually referring to.

He shifted next to me, turning to lie down on his side to face me. “So are you totally going to nerd out all through college just to avoid this allegedly future husband of yours?”

I pursed my lips, shrugging at him as I tried to act as if I didn’t really care. “Maybe? Or I can just at least avoid getting into public places and crowds. But then again—” I sighed. I had been avoiding on planning out my next steps, only focusing on the things that were happening right in front of my eyes. So when I finally had to face the most significant period of time which I strongly believed might influence my fate, I felt completely lost.

I was clearly clueless.

There was something that I could never really tell Taehyung honestly. It was the fact that whenever I closed my eyes, I could picture glimpses of how I was going to meet him. Each piece of the memory came to me at one night and I had Taehyung helped me put those pieces together,—or at least, parts of them—until I could replay them in my head whenever I needed a few reminders of him.

There was a party. With loud music, hot bodies dancing in a dim-lit room, brushing and bumping at each other. The air was filled with the scent of cigarette, booze, and sweat. The image of him walking towards me in long strides was picture-perfect, with his body standing upright and a warm smile as he asked me, “Are you alright?” as if I was a delicate flower.

Every other detail that came to me had been too vague to remember. But I remembered his voice.

The sound of his gentle voice as he spoke to me against the music, “Let me get you a drink.”

The gentle palm he placed on my back when he whispered close, “Stay by my side, okay?”

More details had come to me one at a time on different occasions. Some had even managed to awaken my senses to remember what I was supposed to be feeling on that eventful night; how his warm body was pressed on mine when we danced together, how my heart fluttered by his touches and at the look in his eyes when he was staring at me closely.

Whenever I recalled every single scene in my mind, my body would immediately start reacting as if I was reliving the whole thing.

I could not exactly remember when and where, and on which party would I finally see him. But I remembered his face, his hair, his voice so vividly. and I had always feared for what I would feel if I ever had any chance to actually meet him in person. Of what would I do if our encounter would ever become a reality.

I opened my eyes again when I heard Taehyung’s voice. “You can hide away in solitude to avoid meeting this supposedly future husband you were anticipating to see and I can understand perfectly the reason why you would do so. But I should probably remind you, that if you do just that, hiding and running away from all the possibilities, then you might also lose any opportunity to find the one that has been in your dreams.”

The one in my dreams. I looked away when another image came to mind. Another person, another blurry face, another part of that life which had also been coming back through my dreams to remind me that he also existed. Assuming he really was there somewhere.

“Guess things aren’t going to be all smooth and lovely, huh?” I sighed. I finally pushed myself up to sit on the grass, groaning as I moved my tired limbs on the hard soil beneath me. The fatigue went away at the same time those images faded from my memory, yet I still had to pierce my eyes to adjust to the bright sun above our heads.

“When did it ever?” I heard Taehyung humming next to me, while I chose to say nothing when I tried to memorise anything I could think of about him.

“If only I remember more of him.”

“Jimin? What do you remember then? All we ever talked about is Jeon Jungkook. I feel like I can probably point him out in the crowds before you can do it yourself after how many times you have described him to me,” he chuckled, earning my own laughter to join his. “Do you think that he is the reason why you came back in time? Jimin, I mean.”

“I honestly don’t know, Taehyung. I really don’t want to assume anything yet since I still can’t remember the last parts of my life before the leap happened. I can barely remember him, only by name and by—” The memory of him slipping away from my hands came flashing at the back of my mind. I could feel the pain and misery that was left behind, and the loss of not having him by my side. Even if I could not remember every other detail of what actually happened.

And I have always failed in finding the answer, no matter what I had done to force myself to remember.

“All I know is that I don’t remember seeing any memory of him and anything regarding to my college life happening together. So we probably would not be meeting each other yet anytime soon.”

Taehyung sat up next to me, wrapping his arms around his knees and leaning his head back. The scrunched nose and creased brows showed me that he was trying to help me think. “Do you not remember where he went to college? You said you can remember some of the things you talked about with him.”

I shook my head. “He is in this city. That part I know well, but I can’t remember where. I just have this strong hunch saying that he isn’t here.”

“I still think—” he said with pursed lips. “What if you are supposed to find him?”

���But how? I can’t remember where or how—” I groaned, running my fingers through my tangled hair before pulling them out of anger. “I am starting to hate all of this.”

“Why? You loved reading mystery and thriller novels since high school, don’t you think it’s thrilling to find out the truth?”

I scowled at him. “Reading thriller stories and actually living in them are two completely different matters, Taehyung.”

He laughed before playfully shrugging. “I still think that all of the mysteries and theories we’ve been making are so insane, I’m just interested to find out what’s going to happen. Besides, didn’t you say that everything is already so different? Perhaps many others around us have changed already before you even start doing anything about it. Perhaps everything about your life now and everything around it is also going to run differently than how they were in your past life.”

I kept silent as I stared at him, letting his words to sink in while silently accepting them. Because maybe, maybe he was right.

“You will find him. If you are meant to find each other, then you will.”

Basically, the solid plan I had in mind was for me to live in solitude during freshman year. Through the pieces of memories which I had and recorded on Taehyung’s notes, we were able to conclude that I had a fair amount of fun filled with nights of college parties and coming back into dorm highly intoxicated with alcohol and sticky hair smelled of smoke. All of that happened during my first year alone, the kind of life I had chosen as a personal mission to avenge the life I had as a model student during high school.

So since I decided to make a big change, I have decided that it would be the first thing in my life I was about to change.

Which confirmed that yes, I was nerding out.

I spent my first semester locking myself up in my dorm most of the times, limiting my social circle in university to only conclude my classmates, my roommate, and Taehyung only. With a few additional visits by Hoseok on weekends when he had no plans or no girls to hook up with.

Most of my days would consist of going to classes, to do my part-time jobs in the afternoons, then later hang out in the common room with my dorm mates or at a coffee shop with Taehyung, before returning to my dorm room at night to study or finish my assignments.

I avoided attending parties, either those which were held in frat houses or dorms, or other hang out places within campus proximity. I even locked myself away from the ones that had ever been held in my own dorm building. I never really minded the noises and the crowds hanging on my floor during those nights, only because I refused to care. There were other ways in which I was still able to enjoy myself during those nights. One of which would be how my roommate would be so kind as to go back and forth to bring me drinks without having me leave my solitude.

At first, she had done it only to lure me out of my hiding, so she could drag me out into joining the rouse. But as her efforts had always failed so miserably, as I had always so stubbornly refused to walk out the door without ever refusing the alcohol being sent to me, she finally gave up trying.

“At least you can still become a part of the crowd this way, and I can still make sure that I won’t be the only one waking up with a massive hangover in the morning,” she told me once, while handing me a plastic glass filled with questionable mix of alcohol when our floor had turned into a makeshift rave party joint.

“Are going to keep on doing this then? Hide yourself from human civilisation until graduation?” Taehyung asked me once we found a spare time to hang out.

The finals were right in the corner and he had come to pick me up after I finished my class to drag me to the nearest cafeteria, since I kept missing lunch every time I stayed up the night before to finish my assignments.

“No, of course not,” I sighed, walking by his side and keeping my eyes on the students grouping around us as we walked by. “I just thought that I should make the most of it while I can. Get better grades, graduate faster. Besides, I don’t always hide away, you know. I go out too—occasionally.”

“You do?” Taehyung scoffed, glancing at me with quirked brows. “To where?”

I pursed my lips. “The library—” I hesitantly answered, before we fell into a fit of giggles. “Alright, I’ll change things up in the next semester. I promise. I just wanted to give my all in this semester and enjoy college life while I can.”

“Yeah, you should. You need to enjoy your youth, before your time runs out,” he said, smacking his lips before wrapping his arms around my shoulder and urged me to walk faster with him. “Normally, we get to hear people would say, ‘Stop taking your life for granted, you only live once’. But I keep reminding myself that I can’t really say that to you, can I?”

That had me laughing for a moment. The irony of it could never escape me. I let him drag me with him on the pathway before pressing my body to his to push him away. “No, you can still say that to me. I don’t think this whole repeating my life thing is something that will permanently happen. At least, I hope not.”

I could barely make sense of it by living through it once. Will it make even more sense if things keep repeating itself? More importantly, would I have known it if I had repeated my life cycle before? And would I ever know it happening if it ever repeated itself again?

“Good—” He said, pulling my body back to him and practically started dragging me as we kept walking ahead. “Then I say we should start our mission to find Prince Charming soon once this period is over. Right, Comrade?”

“Aye—” I said, grinning as I let him drag me around. Not letting him know how terrified I was towards everything that I was about to encounter ahead in time.

Eventually, the first semester came to an end rather quickly, with its exams being uneventful and felt like hell.

But I survived.

Yet the habit of letting my school projects and my study to take control over my life had grown too deep in me, I just could not help myself but continue being the total nerd that I was when the next term started. Whenever my roommate looked over at me, I would be drowned in books and papers, and lots of times being surrounded by all kinds of drawing utensils as I focused on finishing my assignments. And whenever Taehyung came over to see me, I would have bags under my eyes, evidence of the late nights studying I constantly had going on.

The sound of a deep sigh pulled my attention away from the textbook in my hand, the one that had me distracted and allowed me to ignore my surroundings. It was actually a beautiful day; with the warm breeze around me, the comfy grass beneath me, and the people lying around, lounging on the park between classes to enjoy the sun. I looked up and met Taehyung’s eyes that were already locked on me, no expressions on his face whatsoever as he studied me closely.

“What?” I asked him.

“Watching you frustrates me,” he sighed, pouting at me. “For how long are you going to keep this up, really?”

I pursed my lips, closing my book shut and tossed it away to face him. “Is it so wrong that I just love studying?”

“It won’t be if it’s the truth,” he snapped at me while scrunching nose, as if the thought of me being in love with studying was a bit repulsive.

“But it is the truth,” I answered him. “I just enjoy studying really, really well.”

He kept his gaze on me with raised brows but no answer. And I could only sigh in defeat, knowing that he could read me so well. Too well, in fact. “Okay. Only half of that was true. Stop reading my mind,” I groaned, shoving him away until he fell back on the grass with a grin.

“I can’t help it. You are so predictable,” he laughed while sitting back up. “Okay, but seriously, why are you hiding? Are you afraid of finding—well, whichever is the one you are avoiding in seeing?”

Biting my lips, I released a deep sigh when I could feel the one thing that had been there inside my heart the whole time I have been going through all of this. A pure, deep hesitance.

“I’m afraid of a lot of things, Taehyung. I’m afraid that I will only end up reliving the same life, the same story. I’m afraid that I will end up being unhappy no matter what I do. I’m afraid to see what would happen if I ever find either of them. I’ve been afraid, all this time—because I honestly still can’t make sense of what the hell is going on with me and why I’m going through all of this. I don’t even know if these things are even real.”

Taehyung only gave me a smile and tilted his head. There was not a hint of surprise in his eyes for he had heard me talking about these things over and over again throughout the past few years. Not only did he know the circumstances I was in, but he also knew my insecurities. Every bit of it that was present in me. 

“I know that you are afraid,” he said with nonchalance and a pure smug on his face for having been able to drag the truth out of me. “Why do you think I’m staying around all these years to help you? And if this isn’t real, then what is it? A dream? A very long, exhausting dream, and I’m merely a figment of it to keep you company?”

I tilted my head back, groaning at the way the frustration was starting to give me headaches. “I don’t know, I’m just lost.”

I have always been.

“Then just do as I always say. Enjoy it. Embrace the life you have now,” he said, with a shrug. “You were the one who said that you were going to do just that, so stop hiding yourself behind your projects all the time. Time is still running and you just need to keep up with it.”

I grinned at him. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said, and I could not help but laugh at myself. “Thanks for reminding me how I keep taking my words back. I somehow feel quite stupid now.”

“No, you’re not.”

My eyes fell on his warm smile and I felt my hesitance slowly fading away. “Alright, I won’t stop you from being such a nerd, but you really do need to start having fun. And stop exhausting yourself up by thinking the worst of things. Don’t you remember how you relapsed at our final exam back in school because of all the stress?”

“Oh, right—”

“Don’t drain yourself up with negative thoughts. Come with me to hang out this weekend. I won’t take you to any frat parties if you don’t want to go, but at least leave your books for a while and have fun.”

I had no other choice but to agree. What other choices would I have when he reminded me about my last relapse right before I graduated high school? I remembered how my body had given up after I studied too hard that I was missing sleep. It had gotten so bad that I had to return to the hospital for treatments and was kept under observation just in case my illness had come back. It never did. But one could never let their guards down, especially when they already faced the consequences once.

I tried to slow my pace down after I promised him—and to myself—to do so that day. I started to get more relaxed, spent more time out of the dorms and away from studying at times, either with Taehyung or my other close friends—yes, I managed to expand my social circle and gained more friends to hang out with.

Until came the time when I had to return to the usual pace of hardworking and intense studying.

It was the longest two weeks of my life, right at the end of the school year. Piles of assignments and projects needed to be done on time, pages of textbooks to be read, and I have had the least of sleep ever since I woke up in the present life years ago. Taehyung’s warning that had been my anchor was forced to be pushed aside and forgotten when I was constantly being chased by deadlines. Along with tight schedules from the courses I had taken as all projects were due before the final exam. All happening in the same period of time.

By the time exam and project submission period came, I had spent the last three days straight working in the studio on campus to finish a set of drawings meant to be submitted during the exam week. I could not take them back to the dorm, afraid that the noises and parties would distract me, or that I would be clumsy enough to ruin my drawings before I had a chance to finish them. And I would not return to the dorm until close to midnight, not until my roommate had gotten so worried that left me dozens of messages on my phone telling me to come home to sleep.

At the last morning before the deadline, I woke up feeling drained with fatigue and stress. But I dragged myself out of bed anyway, since it would be the last chance I had to use the studio before the term ended.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look so good.” My roommate, Jisoo, had stopped me before leaving the room. She had both of her hands placed on her waist as she was ready to scold me from overworking myself.

“I’m okay.” I gave her a small smile, forcing back the exhaustion at the back of my head so she would let me go. “Just need some food and coffee, and maybe a quick nap at the campus.” I stretched out my limbs while standing, before grabbing my bag and jacket to leave.

“Wait—” she said, frowning. “Are you going to be in the studio the whole day again? Can’t you rest for just a day?”

“I would, but then I won’t finish it on time. The studio will not be available during exam week, and I can’t finish the drawing using my small writing desk,” I explained to her, pointing at the clustered mess happening on top of my desolated study desk. “Don’t worry, I won’t push myself too much today. I’m almost done with it anyway, so I can return to the dorm earlier than usual.”

She pouted, but gave in anyway. “Just let me know if you’re not feeling well and I’ll come to pick you up, okay? And make sure you don’t miss lunch again.”

I smiled at her and nodded. I would have hugged her to reassure her if I could, but then she might notice how tired I actually was and stop me from leaving again.

“Sure. Don’t worry, your name is on my speed dial,” I said, giving her a wink as I walked past her on my way through the door. I made haste to avoid seeing the worried look in her eyes and only to bid my goodbyes to her by looking over my shoulder. “See you later, Jisoo! I’ll call you once I’m done!”

The day passed by so quickly.

Or perhaps I was too focused on work to pay attention to how time went by until it was past afternoon. There were only two other students staying in the studio other than myself. Yet they had both stopped working since lunchtime to have their much-needed break, while I was still bent over my drawing table, drowning myself in my work even after lunch break was over.

“_____, take a break for a moment and eat something.”

I raised my head to look away from my work and look at both my classmates, Hara and Jiyoung, sitting on the floor across the room with crossed legs. They surrounded by empty boxes of snacks they had just finished eating. Not entirely the perfect choice of lunch, but at least they were eating something.

At that moment, I started getting a bit dizzy. I could not tell whether they were from having my head down all the time to concentrate on working, or perhaps from hunger. Briefly looking down on my watch, I saw the time and had decided that perhaps it was the latter.

“I only need to finish a bit more and I’ll be done,” I sighed briefly while looking at the girls who were lounging sleepily on the floor—one with her left hand covered in faint colours of ink from her drawings, and the other had a few fingers from her right hand covered in red spots from holding a pen for too long. “I brought some sandwiches earlier so you guys can eat up ahead.”

Neither of the girls answered me, but I saw how Hara raised her eyebrows before standing up to approach me. “______, are you okay? You look really pale.”

“I’m alright.”

I heard a sigh coming from her as I started to turn back around and continue working. “No, seriously, _____. Come on and rest for a while, you don’t look so good. We still have a few hours to go anyway,” she said.

At that moment, I was already starting to feel as if everything around me was spinning. My head was having a constant throbbing which had even started to cloud my hearings. So I finally gave in, answering her with, “Alright. I should probably eat something anyway,” before straightening my back and stood from my seat.

I should have known and understood how my body would react by now. And I should have known not to make any sudden movements when I knew there was something wrong with my head.

But I did it anyway.

And I could not stop myself from falling to the ground as darkness took over me.

—Present life. The infirmary, year 2015—

It had been a while since these things ever happened to me.

I had never fainted after my treatments had ended, and I had never failed to control my strength for years after. I suppose, it had made me a bit reckless, thinking I was strong enough to not let them come back to me again. Not the cancer. But having loss of consciousness and being taken away by the dark that used to scare the hell out of me.

Thankfully, I was not completely out of it this time. I was not completely powerless.

I could hear the faint sound of Hara and Jiyoung screaming out my name. And I heard them screaming out for help. I could hear the rustling sounds of people surrounding me as I lied unconscious on the cold floor. I could still sense how cold the floor was, the flow of breeze when someone lifted me up, and how I was being carried by a pair of powerful hands.

That was when the darkness thickened and my dreams started to come back.

My faint memories always came back through these dreams. They came as pieces of fragments that I would later have to put together as I woke up, sometimes they kept repeating themselves until they were recorded at the back of my mind for me to recollect them later. This time, all I saw were flashes of white, a crescent-like eye smile, a soft kiss, a warm embrace from two strong hands which had the scent of antibiotics, and distant voices of hushed whispers. The sound of the whispers increased the more I listened to it, yet the words were muddled together as they came one another. Until finally they slowly subsided and turned faint, and I could hear only one voice remained.

“If only I found you first.”

I woke up with a start, gasping at the tightness in my chest which pained me. Thankfully, as I took a deep breath, my body started to relax and my senses cleared. I opened my eyes to see a bright light coming from above me before I looked around with blurry eyesight.

I heard voices coming from somewhere near as I felt the stiff mattress beneath me. It was then when I looked around, seeing where I was laid down and noticing where my hands were resting on. I had one hand clutching on the sheets and was surprised to see the other gripping tightly onto a strange hand that was resting on the bed, right beside me.

“Ms. Mae, looks like our sleeping beauty is awake.”

I looked up to see the owner of the unfamiliar voice, and met a pair of eyes looking down on me with a warm gaze.

“Ah—” I gasped the moment I noticed that it was neither of my friends I have been with before, or anyone I knew, in fact, and immediately pulled my hand away from his. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said, smiling at me. “I really don’t mind. Your hand is pretty soft, I kinda like it.”

I squinted my hazy eyes and tried to recognise him. His voice sounded so familiar but I could not pinpoint who it was.

“Oh, you’re awake.” A young lady in a white coat came to stand next to the bed. She had a cold stare in her eyes, but her voice and her smile comforted me. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m—so sleepy,” I answered her and looked around. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the medical center. Your friends brought you here because you passed out in class. You’ve overworked yourself, dear. You are highly dehydrated and your blood sugar had dropped,” she said, before handing me an energy bar. “Your friends told me that you skipped meals. You should fill your stomach with this first. I had given you some fluids and we need to know if you need any shots. You should eat more once you get home later.”

“Home?”

“Your mother is on her way here,” she said with a pursed smile and nodding her head at the snack I was holding, gesturing for me to start eating. I looked around when she mentioned about my friends to find them, only to finally notice that the boy who was standing beside me earlier had left.

I saw him again around fifteen minutes later, when I walked out of the clinic after my mother came to pick me up. Hara and Jiyoung were both still there and helped me walk out, bowing with gratitude at the boy who was standing right outside the clinic with his friend. “Thank you for helping us carry her here,” I heard Hara spoke to him.

“No problem. I’m glad she’s okay,” he said, keeping his eyes and his fond smile towards me. I returned his smile and bowed to thank him, earning his light chuckle before he said, “Take care, love.”

My mother made me stay at home for the next few days. After what had happened, she refused to let me out of her sight and insisted that she would be allowed to feed me with healthy meals and make sure I get enough sleep.

I had no reason to refuse anyway. It was during a non-teaching period before exams started and I had submitted my projects to campus early, so I figured I could rest and cool down a bit at home. I spent the first few days lounging around in the house, enjoyed home cooking meals, wasted time by sleeping a lot and watching TV.

But whatever I did, even when I tried to occupy myself with different things, my mind seemed to have a problem to relax. I was constantly reminded of the boy who helped carry me to the clinic that day. His face was always there in my thoughts, and I grew curious as days went by.

“Do you know who he was?” I called Hara one day to let her know about my condition, after she sent me tons of text messages asking how I had been doing while I was away.

“No, he is not a student from Design major, I think. And he seems like an upperclassman. Jiyoung said she saw him hanging around with the members of the dance club from the Music Faculty,” she answered me through the phone. “Why? Do you like him?” Even if I could not see her face, I could sense her tease from the light giggle she gave me.

“I’m just curious, that’s all. I didn’t properly thank him for helping me,” I scoffed, feeling grateful that she could not see me getting flustered.

“It’s okay to like him, he’s kinda cute. And Jiyoung said he seems pretty popular, but probably not amongst us nerds. Damn Design study and its godforsaken assignments are making us blind for such beauty on campus,” she tutted.

I gnawed at my lips. “Do any of you know his name?”

“No, sorry. I didn’t get to ask, and I don’t think Jiyoung knows either.”

My mind was too busy processing on everything that I fell silent, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was so curious at him, why his voice was still stuck in my head.

“Hey,” Hara called for me from the other line, pulling me back to her voice. “If you are curious, why don’t you try to look for him in the next building? Jiyoung said he might be in Music, right? Go look around for him there.”

“And then, what? What do I say if I see him?”

I can hear her humming, thinking loudly to herself. “You can just properly thank him and start a conversation from there. Or just give him a thank you gift for helping or something.”

The next hour was spent with me contemplating her idea. when afternoon came, I was getting frustrated after finding nothing that would be eligible to be handed as a gift or to make one even after rummaging through my bedroom. Until I came to remember what else I could make and made a decision. Before I knew it, I left the bedroom and went straight to the kitchen, once again rummaging through its cabinets and gathered some ingredients that I could find.

Less than five minutes later, I was in the middle of making a batch of cookies.

Baking was something that I enjoyed doing, I realised then, as I felt joy in mixing the ingredients together and even started humming to myself as I did so. I was so into what I was doing that I was completely unaware that someone had come and joined me in that empty kitchen.

“What are you busy up to?”

I turned to see my mother standing at the corner of the room, watching me working with a smile on her face. While I, on the other hand, could only laugh sheepishly after being caught red-handed of using her tools without her knowing.

“Oh—Hi, Mom. I was bored, so I figured I should make some cookies.”

“Cookies?” She raised her eyebrows. “Since when do you know how to make them?”

I bit my lips, mentally facepalming myself as I looked down on the mixture I was making. Because I was a pretty good cook and had a knack on baking things. But not yet. Not until a few more years when I finally had to learn how to do it since I had to live independently. It amazed me how my memories would randomly instigate my knowledge of cooking at the most unexpected time.

“I—uh, I saw some videos on how to do it earlier when I was browsing the internet, so I figured I should try it while I’m not busy,” I said, forcing a grin while hoping that it would not raise any curiosity. Especially since lately I had been showing a lot of knowledge and ability that I probably should not have known yet.

It was getting harder not to slip up at times, not when the memories were getting much clearer to me.

“That sounds good,” she said, chuckling to herself. Her eyes kept scanning back and forth between the kitchen that was perhaps lacking the mess I should probably have created during my ‘first time’ and at my face. “Wow, I tried to get you to learn to do kitchen work for years, and you suddenly doing it now after watching a video? Good job,” she said, leaning forward to give a peck on my forehead. “I should leave it to you then. I want to see how good you are on your first try, but let me know if you need my help, okay?”

“Sure, Mom,” I answered her, sighing in relief as I watched her walk away.

After a week of good rest, I finally return to campus for the exam week. I only had one exam on the first day. It was already lunch break when I finished it, so I rushed out of the building and nearly ran all the way to the east side plaza of our campus.

Jiyoung was being helpful in finding the necessary information on how and where I would be able to find the mysterious boy. It was futile to slip away before my friends would start asking me questions and before Taehyung came to see me, and I had to rush ahead with a gift box which I had prepared in my hand before anyone caught wind of what I was doing.

I reached the plaza in no time, walking straight towards the park in the center where students from other majors would usually hang out. My heartbeat was thumping rapidly as I got there.

I looked around, holding the gift box my hands, nervously brushing its edges with my fingers while scanning the area. There were a lot of students already lounging at the park, all scattered in groups. Minutes had passed by and I have not yet found him within the crowd even as I walked through the pathways. I was starting to contemplate on whether it was a good idea to carry on what I was planning to do. I knew I would remember his face when I saw him, but I had only met him briefly.

What if I remembered him wrong?

Once my nerves were starting to get over me, I made a decision to just give up and forget why I had come out to that place for. But just as I was about to turn around and walk away, a sound of high-toned laughter—more like giggles, to be exact—resonated from somewhere at the far side of the park. The voice was drowned by other waves of laughter, but it was still clear to me even from the distance, and it caught my attention almost instantly.

I turned back around, focusing my eyes to where the voice was coming from. Somehow, I felt like it was calling for me, pulling me to come closer.

Everything else around me became a complete blur, the source of his voice being the only thing I cared about that I kept walking closer without looking anywhere else but forward.

Until I saw him.

It was then when I found out the reason why it took me so long to find him before. He was sitting down on the grass, circled by his friends with his back leaning against a tree. Half hidden by the huge bunk and he would have been completely hidden entirely by it if only he was not hunching forward as he continued laughing.

My legs kept moving toward him. Hesitantly at first. But the closer I was getting to him, and the clearer his voice came to me, my footsteps became more firm and steady. There was something in his voice, something that was familiar and gave me warmth, urging me to come closer. With each footstep I took, I felt my heartbeat increasing, my knees weakening the more I see him. I felt something deep inside me when I looked at his face, a feeling of longing for something that I could not put my fingers on, but was also making me sick with sadness.

I stopped right where I should be shielded by the trees and waited for the perfect time to call for him. My throat felt so dry I started to worry that I would not find my voice. I opened my lips the first time and no sound came out. I cleared my throat, bracing myself before I start again.

“Um—Ex-excuse me,” I finally managed to speak, and the groups instantly fell silent. Everyone stopped talking at once by the sound of my voice, which had me immediately regretting it the moment they all turned to look at me. My breath hitched when he finally turned around and our eyes met.

At that very second, I could feel myself wavering, almost forcing myself to plant my foot deeper into the ground just so I would not start running away as fast as I could or hide away from everyone’s eyes that are on me. If only his eyes did not flicker with recognition at my face, I might have already had turned and made haste as far away from where I was.

“Oh, it’s you!” He exclaimed excitedly with a wide smile that took over his entire face, his eyes forming a beautiful and adorable crescent which added light on his face. “We meet again. How are you?”

“You know her?” I heard someone within the group curiously asking him. I didn’t bother to see who it was, for I could not look away from his eyes which seemed too beautiful, too familiar in some strange way.

“Yes, we’ve met briefly,” he answered, also keeping his eyes staring into mine and not looking away even for a brief second. “How have you been?”

“I, um—Fine now, thank you,” I said, smiling at him, feeling the tension in my body slowly taking over. The attention was too much and I suddenly felt the need to run. “I’m sorry for interrupting. But, can we talk for a second?”

I was partly relieved that I managed to speak. Yet I was completely embarrassed at how my voice cracked as I spoke, exposing how nervous I was to face him. Thankfully, he only smiled and quickly jumped to his feet. His own face was red when he bid his goodbyes at his friends who were whistling and cheering to tease him as he left the circle and pulled me away.

“Please forgive my friends. They just love to tease me,” he sheepishly said, keeping his eyes on me which let me know how he most certainly had caught my own crimson cheeks himself.

“That’s okay,” I said, looking down on our feet. “I, uh—I only want to thank you for helping me out the other day. And uh, apologise for—Well, I heard from my friends that you carried me to the infirmary? I’m sorry for being such a trouble when we don’t even know each other—”

“Hey, it was nothing,” he interrupted me, keeping his smile on his face as he spoke. “I don’t mind at all. I’m actually glad I could help. So, how are you doing now?”

“I’m feeling much better, thank you,” I said, sighing in relief. “I took a few days to rest at home. And they finally let me go back for my exams today after seeing that I’ve gotten better.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“I—Actually thought that you won’t recognise me,” I admitted to him and looked away embarrassed. He was shaking his head and chuckling lightly when I looked at him again.

“Don’t be silly. I will never forget about you,” he confidently said to me. And I could feel my heart leaping, nearly bursting out of my chest, while he seemed flustered at his own words. He immediately looked away, rubbing his hand at the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I mean, everything happened so fast, but I still remember you. I did stay with you in the room for a while, so—”

I looked down as I felt warmth surging on my cheeks, only noticing then that I had forgotten about a certain object which I had been clutching in my hands. “Oh! I almost forgot. This is for you,” I said, handing the box that was thankfully still intact. “It’s a thank you gift—sort of. It’s probably nothing much, but I hope you like it.”

He took it with a curious look, lifting his eyebrows as he opened the lid and pulled out a transparent pouch which was filled with homemade cookies. “For me? Did you make these?” He looked up to stare at me and I nodded.

“Uh—yes, I made them myself. For you. Uhm—it’s my way to say thank you.” I looked away quickly when the heat on my face increased right after I answered.

“Oh, well—You are welcome. And thank you for these,” he said, bending lower until his face was visible to my eyes. “These are actually my favourite. I’m sure I’m gonna love these.”

I nodded, smiling as I felt relieved. Now that I had done what I have wanted to do since the day I remembered him, I managed to look at him again with more confidence, earning his smile as our eyes met.

“You know, since we met only briefly and your Mom took you away before we ever had a chance to talk to each other, I, uh—I didn’t catch your name,” he said, and I started noticing more on the familiarity for being close to him. His way of speech, his voice, the look in his eyes that came clear to me from the proximity between us. Everything was too familiar.

He was familiar.

“My name is _____.”

Perhaps it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I was able to see something flickered the moment he heard my name, a glint of hope appearing briefly at the corner of his eyes. It only happened for a split second, and it disappeared completely when he blinked them, right before he answered, “Nice to meet you, ______. My name is Jimin. Park Jimin.”

—First life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2027—

“You can’t give up.”

I opened my eyes. The tears that had been running down on my cheeks had turned dry, and I felt my eyelids still heavy with sleep. “Why?” I managed to whisper even with my throat so dry. I had been crying and screaming of pain. Hours of lying down on the bed and not being able to move freely as I used to had made me feel like I was losing control of my body.

And I was getting so tired of it. Tired of everything.

“Because I won’t allow you to,” he softly said, as if he was speaking those words only to himself.

“What rights do you have that you think you actually have a say in this? It’s my life, it’s my decision to make.” I knew I probably should not be angry at him, but I just felt like nothing could ever change my mind or push me into fighting again. No matter what he said to me, I had no more will to fight.

Because I had given up, long before I even started fighting.

“Why would I fight for the life I no longer want to have?”

He took my hand and started kissing the back of my hand ever so gently. I could feel his skinny fingers gently stroking on mine, his dry lips pressing gently on the pale skin on my knuckles. I felt his breath when he whispered to me between his kisses, “Because life is an amazing thing. It always has its surprises prepared for you. And I promise you, once you win this battle, I believe something good lies somewhere in the future.”

“Will you be in it?” A drop of tear escaped and fell on my cheek. His words hit me deep, and hard. And the touch of his fingers made me wish to never let go.

He raised his hand without letting go of mine—-moving the only hand he could still move, when he let the other rested on the bed to not mess with the cables which were attached to it. He softly grazed my cheek with his knuckles, wiping away my tears. “I’m afraid I have lost my battle a long time ago. That is my biggest regret. I wasn’t fighting enough, and now life is showing me what I could have won if only I had been brave enough to fight it.”

“What is it?”

He sighed, before lifting his eyes to meet mine. The look in his eyes made me cry want to cry even harder. Because all I could see emitting from them was regret, pain, and love.

“You.”

a/n: re-edited by author - 14.11.2018

SERIES MASTERLIST

Thank you so much for reading the series and for the continuous support. I would feel most grateful for any kind of appreciation sent through my ko-fi page!^^

Disclaimer: All works are written by myself. Any copyright infringement, reposting on any other social media or website, and any act of plagiarism will be dealt with legal action

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2 Are there Capitol hoverplanes speeding in to blow us out of the sky? As we travel over District 12, I watch anxiously for signs of an attack, but nothing pursues us. After several minutes, when I hear an exchange between Plutarch and the pilot confirming that the airspace is clear, I begin to relax a little. Gale nods at the howls coming from my game bag. "Now I know why you had to go back." "If there was even a chance of his recovery." I dump the bag onto a seat, where the loathsome creature begins a low, deep-throated growl. "Oh, shut up," I tell the bag as I sink into the cushioned window seat across from it. Gale sits next to me. "Pretty bad down there?" "Couldn't be much worse," I answer. I look in his eyes and see my own grief reflected there. Our hands find each other, holding fast to a part of 12 that Snow has somehow failed to destroy. We sit in silence for the rest of the trip to 13, which only takes about forty-five minutes. A mere week's journey on foot. Bonnie and Twill, the District 8 refugees who I encountered in the woods last winter, weren't so far from their destination after all. They apparently didn't make it, though. When I asked about them in 13, no one seemed to know who I was talking about. Died in the woods, I guess. From the air, 13 looks about as cheerful as 12. The rubble isn't smoking, the way the Capitol shows it on television, but there's next to no life aboveground. In the seventy-five years since the Dark Days - when 13 was said to have been obliterated in the war between the Capitol and the districts - almost all new construction has been beneath the earth's surface. There was already a substantial underground facility here, developed over centuries to be either a clandestine refuge for government leaders in time of war or a last resort for humanity if life above became unlivable. Most important for the people of 13, it was the center of the Capitol's nuclear weapons development program. During the Dark Days, the rebels in 13 wrested control from the government forces, trained their nuclear missiles on the Capitol, and then struck a bargain: They would play dead in exchange for being left alone. The Capitol had another nuclear arsenal out west, but it couldn't attack 13 without certain retaliation. It was forced to accept 13's deal. The Capitol demolished the visible remains of the district and cut off all access from the outside. Perhaps the Capitol's leaders thought that, without help, 13 would die off on its own. It almost did a few times, but it always managed to pull through due to strict sharing of resources, strenuous discipline, and constant vigilance against any further attacks from the Capitol. Now the citizens live almost exclusively underground. You can go outside for exercise and sunlight but only at very specific times in your schedule. You can't miss your schedule. Every morning, you're supposed to stick your right arm in this contraption in the wall. It tattoos the smooth inside of your forearm with your schedule for the day in a sickly purple ink. 7:00 - Breakfast. 7:30 - Kitchen Duties. 8:30 - Education Center, Room 17. And so on. The ink is indelible until 22:00 - Bathing . That's when whatever keeps it water resistant breaks down and the whole schedule rinses away. The lights-out at 22:30 signals that everyone not on the night shift should be in bed. At first, when I was so ill in the hospital, I could forgo being imprinted. But once I moved into Compartment 307 with my mother and sister, I was expected to get with the program. Except for showing up for meals, though, I pretty much ignore the words on my arm. I just go back to our compartment or wander around 13 or fall asleep somewhere hidden. An abandoned air duct. Behind the water pipes in the laundry. There's a closet in the Education Center that's great because no one ever seems to need school supplies. They're so frugal with things here, waste is practically a criminal activity. Fortunately, the people of 12 have never been wasteful. But once I saw Fulvia Cardew crumple up a sheet of paper with just a couple of words written on it and you would've thought she'd murdered someone from the looks she got. Her face turned tomato red, making the silver flowers inlaid in her plump cheeks even more noticeable. The very portrait of excess. One of my few pleasures in 13 is watching the handful of pampered Capitol "rebels" squirming as they try to fit in. I don't know how long I'll be able to get away with my complete disregard for the clockwork precision of attendance required by my hosts. Right now, they leave me alone because I'm classified as mentally disoriented - it says so right on my plastic medical bracelet - and everyone has to tolerate my ramblings. But that can't last forever. Neither can their patience with the Mockingjay issue. From the landing pad, Gale and I walk down a series of stairways to Compartment 307. We could take the elevator, only it reminds me too much of the one that lifted me into the arena. I'm having a hard time adjusting to being underground so much. But after the surreal encounter with the rose, for the first time the descent makes me feel safer. I hesitate at the door marked 307 , anticipating the questions from my family. "What am I going to tell them about Twelve?" I ask Gale. "I doubt they'll ask for details. They saw it burn. They'll mostly be worried about how you're handling it." Gale touches my cheek. "Like I am." I press my face against his hand for a moment. "I'll survive." Then I take a deep breath and open the door. My mother and sister are home for 18:00 - Reflection, a half hour of downtime before dinner. I see the concern on their faces as they try to gauge my emotional state. Before anyone can ask anything, I empty my game bag and it becomes 18:00 - Cat Adoration. Prim just sits on the floor weeping and rocking that awful Buttercup, who interrupts his purring only for an occasional hiss at me. He gives me a particularly smug look when she ties the blue ribbon around his neck. My mother hugs the wedding photo tightly against her chest and then places it, along with the book of plants, on our government-issued chest of drawers. I hang my father's jacket on the back of a chair. For a moment, the place almost seems like home. So I guess the trip to 12 wasn't a complete waste. We're heading down to the dining hall for 18:30 - Dinner when Gale's communicuff begins to beep. It looks like an oversized watch, but it receives print messages. Being granted a communicuff is a special privilege that's reserved for those important to the cause, a status Gale achieved by his rescue of the citizens of 12. "They need the two of us in Command," he says. Trailing a few steps behind Gale, I try to collect myself before I'm thrown into what's sure to be another relentless Mockingjay session. I linger in the doorway of Command, the high-tech meeting/war council room complete with computerized talking walls, electronic maps showing the troop movements in various districts, and a giant rectangular table with control panels I'm not supposed to touch. No one notices me, though, because they're all gathered at a television screen at the far end of the room that airs the Capitol broadcast around the clock. I'm thinking I might be able to slip away when Plutarch, whose ample frame has been blocking the television, catches sight of me and waves urgently for me to join them. I reluctantly move forward, trying to imagine how it could be of interest to me. It's always the same. War footage. Propaganda. Replaying the bombings of District 12. An ominous message from President Snow. So it's almost entertaining to see Caesar Flickerman, the eternal host of the Hunger Games, with his painted face and sparkly suit, preparing to give an interview. Until the camera pulls back and I see that his guest is Peeta. A sound escapes me. The same combination of gasp and groan that comes from being submerged in water, deprived of oxygen to the point of pain. I push people aside until I am right in front of him, my hand resting on the screen. I search his eyes for any sign of hurt, any reflection of the agony of torture. There is nothing. Peeta looks healthy to the point of robustness. His skin is glowing, flawless, in that full-body-polish way. His manner's composed, serious. I can't reconcile this image with the battered, bleeding boy who haunts my dreams. Caesar settles himself more comfortably in the chair across from Peeta and gives him a long look. "So...Peeta...welcome back." Peeta smiles slightly. "I bet you thought you'd done your last interview with me, Caesar." "I confess, I did," says Caesar. "The night before the Quarter Quell...well, who ever thought we'd see you again?" "It wasn't part of my plan, that's for sure," says Peeta with a frown. Caesar leans in to him a little. "I think it was clear to all of us what your plan was. To sacrifice yourself in the arena so that Katniss Everdeen and your child could survive." "That was it. Clear and simple." Peeta's fingers trace the upholstered pattern on the arm of the chair. "But other people had plans as well." Yes, other people had plans,I think. Has Peeta guessed, then, how the rebels used us as pawns? How my rescue was arranged from the beginning? And finally, how our mentor, Haymitch Abernathy, betrayed us both for a cause he pretended to have no interest in? In the silence that follows, I notice the lines that have formed between Peeta's eyebrows. He has guessed or he has been told. But the Capitol has not killed or even punished him. For right now, that exceeds my wildest hopes. I drink in his wholeness, the soundness of his body and mind. It runs through me like the morphling they give me in the hospital, dulling the pain of the last weeks. "Why don't you tell us about that last night in the arena?" suggests Caesar. "Help us sort a few things out." Peeta nods but takes his time speaking. "That last night...to tell you about that last night...well, first of all, you have to imagine how it felt in the arena. It was like being an insect trapped under a bowl filled with steaming air. And all around you, jungle...green and alive and ticking. That giant clock ticking away your life. Every hour promising some new horror. You have to imagine that in the past two days, sixteen people have died - some of them defending you. At the rate things are going, the last eight will be dead by morning. Save one. The victor. And your plan is that it won't be you." My body breaks out in a sweat at the memory. My hand slides down the screen and hangs limply at my side. Peeta doesn't need a brush to paint images from the Games. He works just as well in words. "Once you're in the arena, the rest of the world becomes very distant," he continues. "All the people and things you loved or cared about almost cease to exist. The pink sky and the monsters in the jungle and the tributes who want your blood become your final reality, the only one that ever mattered. As bad as it makes you feel, you're going to have to do some killing, because in the arena, you only get one wish. And it's very costly." "It costs your life," says Caesar. "Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people?" says Peeta. "It costs everything you are." "Everything you are,"  repeats Caesar quietly. A hush has fallen over the room, and I can feel it spreading across Panem. A nation leaning in toward its screens. Because no one has ever talked about what it's really like in the arena before. Peeta goes on. "So you hold on to your wish. And that last night, yes, my wish was to save Katniss. But even without knowing about the rebels, it didn't feel right. Everything was too complicated. I found myself regretting I hadn't run off with her earlier in the day, as she had suggested. But there was no getting out of it at that point." "You were too caught up in Beetee's plan to electrify the salt lake," says Caesar. "Too busy playing allies with the others. I should have never let them separate us!" Peeta bursts out. "That's when I lost her." "When you stayed at the lightning tree, and she and Johanna Mason took the coil of wire down to the water," Caesar clarifies. "I didn't want to!" Peeta flushes in agitation. "But I couldn't argue with Beetee without indicating we were about to break away from the alliance. When that wire was cut, everything just went insane. I can only remember bits and pieces. Trying to find her. Watching Brutus kill Chaff. Killing Brutus myself. I know she was calling my name. Then the lightning bolt hit the tree, and the force field around the arena...blew out." "Katniss blew it out, Peeta," says Caesar. "You've seen the footage." "She didn't know what she was doing. None of us could follow Beetee's plan. You can see her trying to figure out what to do with that wire," Peeta snaps back. "All right. It just looks suspicious," says Caesar. "As if she was part of the rebels' plan all along." Peeta's on his feet, leaning in to Caesar's face, hands locked on the arms of his interviewer's chair. "Really? And was it part of her plan for Johanna to nearly kill her? For that electric shock to paralyze her? To trigger the bombing?" He's yelling now. "She didn't know, Caesar! Neither of us knew anything except that we were trying to keep each other alive!" Caesar places his hand on Peeta's chest in a gesture that's both self-protective and conciliatory. "Okay, Peeta, I believe you." "Okay." Peeta withdraws from Caesar, pulling back his hands, running them through his hair, mussing his carefully styled blond curls. He slumps back in his chair, distraught. Caesar waits a moment, studying Peeta. "What about your mentor, Haymitch Abernathy?" Peeta's face hardens. "I don't know what Haymitch knew." "Could he have been part of the conspiracy?" asks Caesar. "He never mentioned it," says Peeta. Caesar presses on. "What does your heart tell you?" "That I shouldn't have trusted him," says Peeta. "That's all." I haven't seen Haymitch since I attacked him on the hovercraft, leaving long claw marks down his face. I know it's been bad for him here. District 13 strictly forbids any production or consumption of intoxicating beverages, and even the rubbing alcohol in the hospital is kept under lock and key. Finally, Haymitch is being forced into sobriety, with no secret stashes or home-brewed concoctions to ease his transition. They've got him in seclusion until he's dried out, as he's not deemed fit for public display. It must be excruciating, but I lost all my sympathy for Haymitch when I realized how he had deceived us. I hope he's watching the Capitol broadcast now, so he can see that Peeta has cast him off as well. Caesar pats Peeta's shoulder. "We can stop now if you want." "Was there more to discuss?" says Peeta wryly. "I was going to ask your thoughts on the war, but if you're too upset..." begins Caesar. "Oh, I'm not too upset to answer that." Peeta takes a deep breath and then looks straight into the camera. "I want everyone watching - whether you're on the Capitol or the rebel side - to stop for just a moment and think about what this war could mean. For human beings. We almost went extinct fighting one another before. Now our numbers are even fewer. Our conditions more tenuous. Is this really what we want to do? Kill ourselves off completely? In the hopes that - what? Some decent species will inherit the smoking remains of the earth?" "I don't really...I'm not sure I'm following..." says Caesar. "We can't fight one another, Caesar," Peeta explains. "There won't be enough of us left to keep going. If everybody doesn't lay down their weapons - and I mean, as invery soon - it's all over, anyway." "So...you're calling for a cease-fire?" Caesar asks. "Yes. I'm calling for a cease-fire," says Peeta tiredly. "Now why don't we ask the guards to take me back to my quarters so I can build another hundred card houses?" Caesar turns to the camera. "All right. I think that wraps it up. So back to our regularly scheduled programming." Music plays them out, and then there's a woman reading a list of expected shortages in the Capitol - fresh fruit, solar batteries, soap. I watch her with uncharacteristic absorption, because I know everyone will be waiting for my reaction to the interview. But there's no way I can process it all so quickly - the joy of seeing Peeta alive and unharmed, his defense of my innocence in collaborating with the rebels, and his undeniable complicity with the Capitol now that he's called for a cease-fire. Oh, he made it sound as if he were condemning both sides in the war. But at this point, with only minor victories for the rebels, a cease-fire could only result in a return to our previous status. Or worse. Behind me, I can hear the accusations against Peeta building. The wordstraitor ,liar , andenemy bounce off the walls. Since I can neither join in the rebels' outrage nor counter it, I decide the best thing to do is clear out. As I reach the door, Coin's voice rises above the others. "You have not been dismissed, Soldier Everdeen." One of Coin's men lays a hand on my arm. It's not an aggressive move, really, but after the arena, I react defensively to any unfamiliar touch. I jerk my arm free and take off running down the halls. Behind me, there's the sound of a scuffle, but I don't stop. My mind does a quick inventory of my odd little hiding places, and I wind up in the supply closet, curled up against a crate of chalk. "You're alive," I whisper, pressing my palms against my cheeks, feeling the smile that's so wide it must look like a grimace. Peeta's alive. And a traitor. But at the moment, I don't care. Not what he says, or who he says it for, only that he is still capable of speech. After a while, the door opens and someone slips in. Gale slides down beside me, his nose trickling blood. "What happened?" I ask. "I got in Boggs's way," he answers with a shrug. I use my sleeve to wipe his nose. "Watch it!" I try to be gentler. Patting, not wiping. "Which one is he?" "Oh, you know. Coin's right-hand lackey. The one who tried to stop you." He pushes my hand away. "Quit! You'll bleed me to death." The trickle has turned to a steady stream. I give up on the first-aid attempts. "You fought with Boggs?" "No, just blocked the doorway when he tried to follow you. His elbow caught me in the nose," says Gale. "They'll probably punish you," I say. "Already have." He holds up his wrist. I stare at it uncomprehendingly. "Coin took back my communicuff." I bite my lip, trying to remain serious. But it seems so ridiculous. "I'm sorry, Soldier Gale Hawthorne." "Don't be, Soldier Katniss Everdeen." He grins. "I felt like a jerk walking around with it anyway." We both start laughing. "I think it was quite a demotion." This is one of the few good things about 13. Getting Gale back. With the pressure of the Capitol's arranged marriage between Peeta and me gone, we've managed to regain our friendship. He doesn't push it any further - try to kiss me or talk about love. Either I've been too sick, or he's willing to give me space, or he knows it's just too cruel with Peeta in the hands of the Capitol. Whatever the case, I've got someone to tell my secrets to again. "Who are these people?" I say. "They're us. If we'd had nukes instead of a few lumps of coal," he answers. "I like to think Twelve wouldn't have abandoned the rest of the rebels back in the Dark Days," I say. "We might have. If it was that, surrender, or start a nuclear war," says Gale. "In a way, it's remarkable they survived at all." Maybe it's because I still have the ashes of my own district on my shoes, but for the first time, I give the people of 13 something I have withheld from them: credit. For staying alive against all odds. Their early years must have been terrible, huddled in the chambers beneath the ground after their city was bombed to dust. Population decimated, no possible ally to turn to for aid. Over the past seventy-five years, they've learned to be self-sufficient, turned their citizens into an army, and built a new society with no help from anyone. They would be even more powerful if that pox epidemic hadn't flattened their birthrate and made them so desperate for a new gene pool and breeders. Maybe they are militaristic, overly programmed, and somewhat lacking in a sense of humor. They're here. And willing to take on the Capitol. "Still, it took them long enough to show up," I say. "It wasn't simple. They had to build up a rebel base in the Capitol, get some sort of underground organized in the districts," he says. "Then they needed someone to set the whole thing in motion. They needed you." "They needed Peeta, too, but they seem to have forgotten that," I say. Gale's expression darkens. "Peeta might have done a lot of damage tonight. Most of the rebels will dismiss what he said immediately, of course. But there are districts where the resistance is shakier. The cease-fire's clearly President Snow's idea. But it seems so reasonable coming out of Peeta's mouth." I'm afraid of Gale's answer, but I ask anyway. "Why do you think he said it?" "He might have been tortured. Or persuaded. My guess is he made some kind of deal to protect you. He'd put forth the idea of the cease-fire if Snow let him present you as a confused pregnant girl who had no idea what was going on when she was taken prisoner by the rebels. This way, if the districts lose, there's still a chance of leniency for you. If you play it right." I must still look perplexed because Gale delivers the next line very slowly. "Katniss...he's still trying to keep you alive." To keep me alive?And then I understand. The Games are still on. We have left the arena, but since Peeta and I weren't killed, his last wish to preserve my life still stands. His idea is to have me lie low, remain safe and imprisoned, while the war plays out. Then neither side will really have cause to kill me. And Peeta? If the rebels win, it will be disastrous for him. If the Capitol wins, who knows? Maybe we'll both be allowed to live - if I play it right - to watch the Games go on.... Images flash through my mind: the spear piercing Rue's body in the arena, Gale hanging senseless from the whipping post, the corpse-littered wasteland of my home. And for what? For what? As my blood turns hot, I remember other things. My first glimpse of an uprising in District 8. The victors locked hand in hand the night before the Quarter Quell. And how it was no accident, my shooting that arrow into the force field in the arena. How badly I wanted it to lodge deep in the heart of my enemy. I spring up, upsetting a box of a hundred pencils, sending them scattering around the floor. "What is it?" Gale asks. "There can't be a cease-fire." I lean down, fumbling as I shove the sticks of dark gray graphite back into the box. "We can't go back." "I know." Gale sweeps up a handful of pencils and taps them on the floor into perfect alignment. "Whatever reason Peeta had for saying those things, he's wrong." The stupid sticks won't go in the box and I snap several in my frustration. "I know. Give it here. You're breaking them to bits." He pulls the box from my hands and refills it with swift, concise motions. "He doesn't know what they did to Twelve. If he could've seen what was on the ground" - I start. "Katniss, I'm not arguing. If I could hit a button and kill every living soul working for the Capitol, I would do it. Without hesitation." He slides the last pencil into the box and flips the lid closed. "The question is, what are you going to do?" It turns out the question that's been eating away at me has only ever had one possible answer. But it took Peeta's ploy for me to recognize it. What am I going to do? I take a deep breath. My arms rise slightly - as if recalling the black-and-white wings Cinna gave me - then come to rest at my sides. "I'm going to be the Mockingjay."