#remember when i thought it was easy? lmaooooo

[purpdrawsthings]

HIS REFERENCE SHEET IS REAL CHAT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥

Yippee less goooooo, you can now know how the hell this man's outfit finally works now.

You guys can actually make him, with ✨COLORS✨

Honestly, making colors that would match him was really hard. It took me about a week to actually figure it all out just because of how hard it is and how I wanted it to be close to a star aesthetic.

Buttttt I got it all sorted out and to be honest, the result isn't too bad if I do say so myself.

After finishing the colors, it went all easy thankfully, I didn't really have to think that much about his Mario recolor form.

FUN FACT : He came right after the Revelations arc ended =3333333

Relationship chart because yes

Some of the characters uhhh text things are kinda meh cuz my brain ain't braining rn.

Sadge =[

But heyyyyy, at least y'all can now know his relationships yippee =DDDDDDDD

ALSO DO NOT MISTAKE HIS PINK ARROWS AS AFFECTION HE JUST ADMIRES THEM

But I don't really mind if you actually-

Uhhhhhhh deez nutz he can be shipped with anyone, as long as it's not someone he hates, like a certain tv someone =3

So now that that's done.... LET'S HAVE AT IT SOME FUN FACTS!!!!!

He was actually meant to be a silly villain, something like Storms oc, SMG8 =3 buttttt I saved that for later and changed him into a different character.

That human form you're looking at right now ain't even his true form, his true form is that weird star thing!!! Crazyyyy

Speaking about his star form, while in that form, he only speaks in speech bubbles, and is inaudible.

He was meant to be a ✨blondie✨ but after a test I found out it wasn't really the best color so why not use that uh.... Random ass hair color =D

He's got powers to fend off viruses ofc, but I'll do that for a later post, maybe I'll link it from here if I post it =]

Anddddd that's about all =DDDD

I'll probably think of more and probably update this post behind yalls backs lmao

But it'll probably not happen soon.

Anyways, you can now draw him, AND ask question for this man through my ask box, yippeeeeeee =DDDDDDDD

And uhh.... Yeah. Yeetus!!! =3

HAH! YOU REALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END?

Naive people /silly

I actually just wanted to add some special thanks for some people that deserve to be here for a sec =3

@strange0-0storm

The first insp for this man!!! He helped me form GSP the most. I remember that one post he made and I think it was a question thing. I think the question was how did he make 8 or something. Idk I don't remember it much.

But in that post, he stated that he made 8 by making an opposite or something, and that sparked an idea for some reason lmao.

You can see some opposite accessories from him that are opposites of both 4 n' 3. Like the weird ahhhh shaped hat, him having glasses, him actually wearing a suit or something, and him having long, beautiful hair ✨

I uh.... Explained that terribly did I? AHSOSHSOSHISHEISHS THIS IS WHY I DON'T EXPLAIN STUFF RAHHHHHHH

Oopsies I'll get back to the thing =3

Anyways, yeah, as you can see, 8 was a big inspiration for this man, even sparking the idea of making him the same silly lil villain like 8 =3

I thank Storm so much for the huge insp, really helped make him!!!!!

@tiredsmashbros

This man was literally inspired by TSB... GUHH... This man is everywhere I swear....

BUT SERIOUSLY THO TSB WAS ANOTHER HUGE INSPIRATION BESIDES 8!!!!

TSB helped me arrange some of the colors, especially taking some inspiration from the orange and yellow =3

Funny thing but I sometimes accidentally draw GSP with a propeller like TSB on his head because I sometimes mistake him with TSB kshsisuwosossh

The name 'GSP' was also inspired by TSB! Seeing as the name meant TiredSmashBros, I thought if using PurpDrawsThings but when I realized that didn't fit, I just made up random shit lmaooooo

Sooooo yeah! Thank you Tomm for TSB helping me on how to arrange colors and also making his name =3

@its-a-me-mango

Not really seen here but when I said he was supposed to be a blondie and it didn't fit, I suddenly thought of Mango's hair 😭

I was like "Am I really sure I wanna use that"

Then I tested out different hues... Saturations... Andddddd nothing worked 💀 so I was like- "y'know what? Fuck it. I'mma just do it."

Sooooo uh... Yeah! Thank you Mango for helping me make his hair and relationship chart idea lmao 😭😭

Anddddd that's how his hair was born ❤

Also another huge thanks for Mango is insp for the relationship chart! I remember Mango's relationship chart having some text so I decided to do that =]

And that's about all!!!

Like actually fr this time.

These three were just huge inspirations on making him, and I can't thank them enough 😭

THANK YOU 3!!!! LOVE Y'ALL!!!!!

anyways, I'mma go and rest my fingers because I feel like they're actually breaking /silly

YEETUS MY BEANS!!!

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 14

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Because he couldn't put Jokaste in a sack and carry her bodily across the border into Kastor’s territory, the journey presented certain logistical challenges.

In order to justify two wagons and an entourage, they would be pretending to be cloth merchants. This disguise was not going to stand up to any serious scrutiny.

well, actually...

Laurent wandered in and outlined a plan so outrageous that Damen had said yes with the feeling that his mind was splitting apart.

i’ve said the thing about laurent and tabletop rpgs before but UGH. he’d be living his best life

Jord who had won short sword, Lydos of the trident, Aktis the spear thrower, the young, triple-crowned Pallas, Lazar, who had whistled at him,

i like how everyone has qualifications except for lazar, whose identifying quality is that he is gay

Laurent’s addition to the expedition was Paschal, and Damen tried not to think too deeply about the reasons why Laurent thought it necessary to bring a physician.

LMAOOOOO

And if the worst happened, Guion’s testimony had the potential to bring down the Regency. Laurent had said all of this succinctly, and told Guion, in a pleasant voice, ‘Your wife can chaperone Jokaste on the journey.’

wait does damen not even know what the testimony is? iirc guion told it to laurent off the page, after the chair scene. is it the thing about the regent killing the former king, or was that paschal’s piece of the trial? do both of them say it? whatever, the trial stuff is fun but i’m not that determined to work it all out ahead of time. it was a lot more rewarding to that with laurent’s perspective, especially earlier on, but ehhhh here i’m going to take it easy

Guion had understood more quickly than Damen.

shocking (sorry damen)

‘I see. My wife is the leverage for my good behaviour?’ ‘That’s right,’ said Laurent.

when does loyse talk to laurent? does she ever, or does she just speak at the trial uncalled for? guess we’ll see and i’ll trace back what i think probably led to it

Damen watched from a second-storey window as they gathered in the courtyard: two wagons, two noblewomen, and twelve soldiers of whom ten were soldiers and two were Guion and Paschal in metal hats.

He was waiting for Laurent to arrive in order to discuss the finer points of his ridiculous plan.

Laurent was standing in the doorway wearing a chiton of unadorned white cotton. Damen dropped the pitcher. It shattered, shards flying outward as it slipped from his fingers and hit the stone floor. Laurent’s arms were bare. His throat was bare. His collarbone was bare, and most of his thighs, his long legs, and all of his left shoulder. Damen stared at him. ‘You’re wearing Akielon clothing,’ said Damen. ‘Everyone’s wearing Akielon clothing,’ said Laurent. Damen thought that the pitcher had shattered and he could not now take a deep draught of the wine. Laurent came forward, navigating the broken ceramic in his short cotton and sandalled feet, until he reached the seat beside Damen, where the map was laid out on the wooden table. ‘Once we know the rotation of the patrols, we’ll know when to approach,’ said Laurent. Laurent sat down. ‘We need to approach at the beginning of their rotation in order to give us the most time before they report back to the fort.’ It was even shorter sitting down. ‘Damen.’ ‘Yes. Sorry,’ said Damen. And then: ‘What were you saying?’ ‘The patrols,’ said Laurent.

damen can you PLEASE focus.

(this is part of why the baby thing doesn’t work for me. if this is a lighter comedy interlude, why is the baby meant to be understood as a dire, war-altering problem? and if it is a serious dire situation, why are we getting this moment straight out of a fanfic? i know damen is horny despite the horrors and it’s a treat for the reader, but i guess i’m just built different because this moment really does not do anything for me. although to be fair i think that’s partially just because i’m apparently sensitive to instances of laurent being reduced to his body and sexuality, or at least in a way that he is not aware of—see my chapter 12 analysis for the most blatant example. reminds me of the time last week that my mom said on the phone “you only want people to like you on your own terms,” which is a very accurate and damning statement tbh)

They had only twelve soldiers. Twelve-ish, amended Damen, thinking of Paschal and Guion.

AGAIN?? brutal. also i like the “ish,” it’s a little anachronistic and very charming

Vannes could handle Makedon, Laurent said.

i want more laurent and vannes interaction…

The soldiers only needed to know their own roles in the enterprise, and Damen’s briefing to them was short. But Nikandros was his friend, and he deserved to know how they would get across the border. So he told him Laurent’s plan.

honestly damen i think it would be a mercy not to tell him

‘It’s dishonourable,’ said Nikandros.

nikandros private twitter complaint #13. also akielions don't know what "honor" means

‘I wish to restate my strong objection,’ said Nikandros. ‘It’s noted,’ said Damen.

and there's #14

the awkward mien of his own soldiers, who had had to be schooled multiple times not to call him ‘Exalted’

clearly they did not attend the lamen school of committing to the bit

‘Your reports are wrong. The Lady Jokaste is in that wagon.’ There was a pause. ‘In that wagon.’ ‘That’s right.’ Another pause. Damen, who was telling the truth, looked back at the Captain with the steady gaze he had learned from Laurent. It didn’t work. ‘I’m sure the Lady Jokaste won’t mind answering a few questions.’

he rolled like a 9 for persuasion

He was red-faced and sweating slightly. ‘At the Lady’s request, I will ride with you personally through the last of the checkpoints, to ensure that you are not stopped again.’ ‘Thank you, Captain,’ said Damen, with great dignity.

i love that pacat didn’t tell us what the plan was, so we could worry for a second that they'd already failed. and then, this

‘The stories of Lady Jokaste’s beauty are not exaggerated,’ said the Captain, man-to-man, as they wound their way across the countryside. ‘I expect you to speak of the Lady Jokaste with the greatest respect, Captain,’ said Damen. ‘Yes, of course, my apologies,’ said the Captain.

“that’s my fucking DIVORCE HUSBAND”

He said, ‘How did you convince Jokaste to play along with the guards?’ ‘I didn’t,’ said Laurent. He tossed the wad of blue silk in his hands to one of the soldiers to dispose of, then shrugged into his jacket in a rather mannish gesture. Nikandros was staring at him. ‘Don’t think about it too much,’ said Damen.

i love the way “mannish gesture” is specified. like he can do both. good for him.

(this is sooooo botw/totk link. anyway)

Laurent held out his hand to escort her back from the supply wagon into the main wagon, a bored Veretian gesture. Her eyes had the same bored look as she took his hand. ‘You’re lucky we’re alike,’ she said, stepping down. They looked at one another like two reptiles.

they should be best friends

‘Keep the wagons on course,’ Damen said to Nikandros. ‘I’ll be swift, and I’ll take our best rider with me.’ ‘That’s me,’ said Laurent, wheeling his horse.

“and our horses are canonically in love. just in case you’ve forgotten”

Sweeping a branch out of his face, Damen said, ‘I thought when I was King I wouldn’t be doing this kind of thing again.’ ‘You underestimated the demands of Akielon kingship,’ said Laurent.

i love prince's gambit

‘The undergrowth was thinner when I was a boy.’ ‘Or you were.’

did laurent just call him thicc

‘Stop,’ said Laurent. Damen stopped. Following Laurent’s gaze, he saw a dog lounging on its chain near a small penned field full of horses on the west side of the estate.

me when i want to pet a dog

‘I’ll take care of the sentries,’ said Laurent. ‘You left the dress in the wagon,’ said Damen. ‘Thank you, I do have other ways of getting past a sentry.’

The light through the trees dappled Laurent’s hair, which was longer now than it had been in the palace, and showing signs of minor disarray. It had a twig in it.

how dare that twig mess with laurent’s gorgeous hair!!!

There was no sign of a blond head, but somehow the dog got loose and went streaking through the yard to where the unfamiliar horses were penned.

dog = pet

The spasming excitement of the dog egged them on. As did the sylph-like actions of a ghost, untying ropes, slipping open rails.

laurent is an animal whisperer. that’s a personal headcanon of mine

They probably felt they had the most to lose, but in fact everyone would lose the same thing: their lives. Everyone but Jokaste. She only said, mildly, ‘Trouble at Heston’s?’

i love jokaste. spinoff please

And then he saw the pale head, and the paler white shirt, a lithe figure palming his way from tree trunk to tree trunk. ‘You’re late,’ said Damen. ‘I brought you a souvenir.’ Laurent tossed Damen an apricot. Damen could feel the quiet exultation of Laurent’s men, while the Akielons looked a little dazed. Nikandros passed Laurent his reins. ‘Is this how you do things in Vere?’ ‘You mean effectively?’ said Laurent. And swung up onto his horse.

i’m sad that this series is best known for being horny because i am infinitely more interested in laurent being a snarky action hero than i am in him having sex. and i think lots of other people would be too

Risk of laming was high

i read that as “lamen-ing” at first

Earlier, Laurent had tossed Damen his bedroll and said, ‘Unpack this,’ and Pallas had almost challenged him to a duel for the insult.

Sitting down and eating cheese casually with their King was not something that they knew how to do.

i cannot believe people in the fandom would apparently rather live in akielos than in vere. in akielos, you’re not allowed to acknowledge the humanity of people beneath your class, which as far as i can tell is determined by birth. in vere, people like jord and laurent are homies who mutually respect each other, and you can social climb your way to the high court by giving good head

Laurent strolled up to the impasse, threw himself down on the log next to Damen, and in an expressionless voice launched into the story of the brothel adventure that had earned him the blue dress, which was so unabashedly filthy it made Lazar blush, and so funny it had Pallas wiping his eyes.

i love laurent of vere

‘You smell of horse,’ said Damen. ‘It’s how I got past the dog.’ He felt a throb of happiness, and said nothing, just lay on his back and looked up at the stars. ‘It’s like old times,’ said Damen, though the truth was, he had never really had times like this.

damen are you forgetting prince’s gambit again

‘My first trip to Akielos,’ said Laurent. ‘Do you like it?’ ‘It’s like Vere, with fewer places to have a bath,’ said Laurent.

yeah i’m sure that’s not the sum of his thoughts, but he’s trying to take it easy

‘You want me wandering around the Akielon countryside naked at night?’ And then, ‘You smell just as much of horse as I do.’ ‘More,’ said Damen. He was smiling.

laurent: if you want me to get naked you’re going to have to do it too damen: bet

‘They’re Artesian. Aren’t they? From the old empire, Artes. They say it used to span both our countries.’ ‘Like the ruins at Acquitart,’ said Laurent. He didn’t say, And at Marlas. ‘My brother and I used to play there as boys. Kill all the Akielons and restore the old empire.’ ‘My father had the same idea.’ And look what happened to him. Laurent didn’t say that either.

you just know child laurent used history books and his imagination to construct a sophisticated and complex narrative for him and auguste to play-act

His pulse beat with uncharacteristic nerves, so that he felt almost shy. ‘When all this is over . . . we could take horses and stay a week in the palace.’ Since their night together in Karthas, he hadn’t dared to speak about the future. He felt Laurent holding himself carefully, and there was a strange pause. After a moment, Laurent said, softly, ‘I’d like that.’ Damen rolled onto his back again, and felt the words like happiness as he let himself look up again at the wide sweep of stars.

i think it’s sweet how nervous and awkward they are about admitting the desire to do something this simple, when they’ve had the most complicated and intensely intimate relationship i’ve ever read in fiction

[icebluecyanide]

Alex Rider S03E08 Reaction

The last episode already!!! *screaming*

Liveblog

Oh Mrs Jones was John’s handler?? No Ash :(( 

Omg Alex finding out about the nanoparticles!! 👀 Love the moment of realisation

“I went in myself, undercover” oh they really don’t like committing to Alex joining Scorpia of his own free (misguided) will huh. Like not to keep comparing to the book but in the book it’s Blunt who lies to say that Alex was working for MI6 all along when Alex is still feeling bad about being with Scorpia and wonders if Blunt will tell the whole Cobra meeting what he did

Why did Jack even think Alex would be safe going back to Scorpia ahsldfhs

Love Alex not telling people he’s going to die, keep those secrets, Alex <33

Lmao they’re not even staging a breakout?

I feel like it really should not be that big a leap to work out that Julia Rothman wants Alex dead

Why does it sound like Alex is just improvising here ashdlfhs did they not come up with a cover story for how he escaped?? Did they not have budget to shoot the car crash ahsldfhs

I think Nile should have stayed to watch Alex get changed like in the books 😔

“We can get him out the moment I get there, get him clear” I mean I love Alex but like… if he’s dying there is also a whole city dying so is this really your top priority?

Alex’s Scorpia uniform lmao

Wowwww Alex is really not good at this undercover thing huh

No Yassen around anywhere :((( 

Lmao that was so easy unplugging that thing

Damn Nile, that’s some good whump

Oh, she’s running :(((( This show did Julia Rothman dirty tbh

To lose another child 👀👀

Ayyyy Nile escape!! Good on you, Nile

Ahsldfhs Julia Rothman’s poor info security leading to all the other Scorpia members

“I think it’s best all round if we put our differences behind us” ahsldfhslh

“That’s your resignation letter” lmaooooo love it

Ahsldfhs is Blunt gonna resign instead and let Mrs Jones lead the department? Because that would be wild 

Omg he did leave?? Ahsldfhds that’s really funny because Blunt was the only one I liked & this was actually the story he came out looking best imo

Awww Alex getting his dad’s medals 🥺🥺

Love the job offer after university 👀👀 Great set up for post-canon fics haha

Omg Yassen saving Alex from being shot!!!!! They’re both alive at the end!!! Yassen nodding at Alex!!!

Overall

Some nice emotional beats with Alex learning about how he’s going to die, and I like the parallel with Alex shooting past Nile the way John shot past Yassen. Also I really liked the way they wrapped it all up, love the idea that was set up of Alex working as a spy after university and of course the bit where Yassen saves him. Some really great set up for post-canon fics there and everyone I cared about is alive so loved it!

Thoughts

It’s funny how Alex’s age is glossed over in scenes like the art gallery on Malta, but then the Home Secretary is immediately like ‘how old are you’ because he’s visibly a teenager. In general it was kind of wild how she tried to shut the Department down, although I did enjoy the brief moment where Alex was arrested again. Loved Blunt handing her her letter of resignation letter at the end.

I think this show and I disagree on what’s important for a department like The Department, but I don’t think Blunt should have had to resign at the end there. I guess they wanted a nice resolution there and Blunt stepping aside made it easier, but everyone in the Department aside from Blunt was annoying me by how emotional and attached to Alex they got, so I was sad to see him go lol. Like, I remember there was a line in the book about how the SAS team attacking the church had been told by Blunt that the transmitter was their first priority and their second was Alex Rider and honestly he wasn’t wrong for that?? It was kind of wild with the way the team was talking about getting Alex out safely like they weren’t bursting in trying to stop a whole city from getting killed.

I wish Yassen had been in more of this episode, and I was expecting him to actually be around for Invisible Sword, but I guess he had nothing to do with it. Maybe he even went looking for Alex after all? But I love how he shot Nile at the end there, and I’m glad there was no last minute reveal that he knew about John all along. I love how it ended with him nodding at Alex and walking off (into the sunset) and I can totally imagine them meeting again down the line.

Not a fan of Mrs Jones being the one in charge of the stuff with Alex’s parents when in the books it was Blunt who seemed to have run John (with Ash as the point of contact). In general I guess it plays into the way they made Mrs Jones softer and warmer than in the books. For all that this show had them blackmail Alex, and it seems like a grittier take than the books, they actually lose a lot of the book’s edge, also when it comes to stuff like Alex actually joining Scorpia. Like, with the way Alex mentioned it and Jack mentioned it, I’m starting to think Alex really was just pretending to join Scorpia from the start, which I guess is a nice parallel to John, but it’s also vastly less interesting than him actually being manipulated into joining them.

Speaking of John though, I find it a bit hard to believe that no one went ‘oh okay Scorpia are still out there and they want revenge against the department and also remember that time John and his wife’s plane got blown up? In retrospect maybe that was them like Alex said’ and then they could follow that up with ‘if Julia knows about John and all of this is revenge, maybe she wants to kill Alex’. And even if they don’t know that, it’s still pretty dangerous for him to go back if Scorpia assume he has been turned and is working for MI6 now. Especially given how long he was arrested for. I can’t believe they didn’t even try to fake the escape but just had Alex walk out and call them.

Also Alex’s undercover stuff was so bad?? Like Alex I know you know that Julia Rothman wants to kill you but if you play along you could have had your hands free at least?? Though I suppose in fairness to Alex he was trying to distract her to delay things.

This show did Julia Rothman dirty tbh. They made it all about a personal revenge because she loved/was seduced by John and apparently gave up tons of Scorpia secrets and she had multiple male Scorpia members calling her mad for it, plus she didn’t even get to shoot the guard for trying to run away? I hate to say it but Mrs Rothman and Nile were both more fun in the book, though I do love the Nile casting. I really wanted Scorpia to have more of that ‘oh we’re all friendly but if you betray us we will kill you’ vibe.

Okay so enough complaining, here are some positives: Just about anything John and Yassen was very good, loved the Yassen and Alex scenes, and really that was what I was here for so I’m happy. Really good ending and I’m glad they seemed to know they weren’t going to do another season and actually wrapped the story up well. On the whole this season was so much better than I dared hope for, and I think it probably holds up pretty well if you are less into the book like I am. The show’s clearly not telling the same story and that’s fine, and I think it probably told the story it wanted to tell quite well. And I got my John and Yassen and Alex scenes and John/Yassen flashbacks so I’m happy.

[maisonbelligavi]

you know in the very beginning jude's ass is jealous of pedri, fermín and all the la masia kids bc they seem to get all of gavis love and kisses and attention while he is just "the rival"

Hi dear nonny! I'm sorry this is a bit late. Life has been chaotic to say the least.

I truly hope you enjoy what I did with your prompt request. I did try to keep it under 1k but oh well, brevity has never been my strength lmaooooo.

It has been half a year since Jude joined the Real Madrid Academy. Naturally, it went without saying that by now he was overly familiar with the La Masia kids. They’ve played enough games after all. He didn’t know if it was a stretch to consider some of them friends. As much as their matches could get charged sometimes, the minute it was over, all the intensely ambitious players on both sides returned to the easy going and playful teenagers they were.

Jude has gotten used to Pedri pulling him into a hug after every game. He and Fermin had their own special handshake as weird as that might sound. Their coaches always encouraged them to practice good sportsmanship and remain professional at all times. They didn’t necessarily have to be enemies, no matter how deep the lore of rivalry ran between Barcelona and Real Madrid.

Jude didn’t care for any of it. He just wanted to make it to the first team by his eighteenth birthday next year, play good ball and make a butt load of money.

For a while now, he’s noticed himself becoming more irritated at the end of each game with the La Masia kids. He knew the source of his ire well enough. What he was stumped on was how to proceed from here. What could he do to change the status quo as it were?

This was the primary thought that occupied his head as he approached the lone figure of Gavi. He was standing at the far end of the field after a hard-played game. His jersey was soaked with sweat. He had his hands planted at his waist and he seemed to look right through Jude as he reached his side.

What could the kid possibly be thinking about so intensely?

“Hey,” Jude said, as way of greeting and announcing his presence at the same time.

“Hey,” Gavi said, seeming to finally register Jude’s presence. His expression was blank. There was no smile thrown Jude’s way, his beautiful doe eyes weren’t shining with the affection he seemed to have in abundance for his teammates.

Jude felt the now familiar irritation flare within him, stronger today than it’s ever been. “You played a fantastic game, made life really difficult for me.”

Gavi shrugged, barely cracking a smile but it made Jude’s heart skip a beat all the same. “You played a good game too. I mean, you always do. You’re Jude Bellingham after all. You take care until the next one, yeah?”

He extended his hand for Jude to shake and the older boy stared at it as though it was a snake rearing its head for a bite. Jude realized this was it for today. Somehow his window of opportunity has passed once again. He swallowed the lump in his throat and shook Gavi’s hand.

It was all terribly professional, the epitome of good sportsmanship. It made Jude want to scream.

“You take care, Gavira,” Jude said, as his hand dropped to his side. “Always a pleasure.”

Gavi gave him a curt nod and walked away. But that soon turned into a sprint when he spotted Pedri and his other teammates. He ran straight into Fermin’s arms, kissing him all over the face. Pedri was his next victim, and by the time Gavi had gotten on the back of some player he couldn’t remember the name of, Jude was fuming where he stood.

He squeezed his eyes shut, dreading their next match already. He knew without a doubt he would approach the younger boy hoping it would be the day Gavi deemed him worthy of any lick of affection but the only thing he would walk away with would be a cold handshake.

That has been the status quo for the last six months, being treated like a proper rival, when all he wanted was to take the infuriating Barca boy on a bloody date.

***

Something was wrong. And it couldn’t have been related to football because Gavi’s team had claimed victory of the match they just concluded playing. But the boy looked anything but happy as he ran away from his teammates, heading for a secluded spot that Jude knew like the back of his hand. To say that he was well acquainted with the Academy’s grounds by now would be an understatement.

He found Gavi staring at the phone in his hand, as though willing for something to magically appear.

“Gavira,” Jude said, slightly breathless, after all the running he did to catch up with him. “Is something wrong?”

Gavi looked at him then, maintaining eye-contact as his lower lip trembled and his eyes shone with unshed tears.

“What’s wrong?” Jude repeated, his tone laced with worry.

“It’s stupid,” Gavi said, kicking at the grass at his feet. “Not really worth talking about.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

“I’ve been ghosted.”

“You’ve been what now?”

“Ghosted,” Gavi repeated, sounding embarrassed. “I was talking to this girl and well… I really thought things were going well. We had a nice vibe, you know?”

Jude nodded, licking his lips, ignoring the heart palpitations that assailed him out of nowhere.

“Or at least I thought we did.” Gavi let out this self-conscious laugh, running his fingers through his messy hair. “For the last week or so, she stopped replying to my messages. There was no warning at all.”

“She blocked you?” Jude really wasn’t sure how to feel about this. When he wanted Gavi to let him in, this wasn’t exactly the kind of conversation he fantasized about them having.

“She ghosted me,” Gavi corrected, because of course that detail was particularly important. “My messages deliver. She just leaves me on read. Doesn’t also pick when I call.”

“Oh,” Jude said, deflating with this information. Oh, he hated that girl with every fiber of his being.

Gavi shrugged. “I guess this is her way of letting me know she’s not interested.”

“I’m sorry.” Jude winced at how robotic that sounded. Was he even sorry? God, he was the absolute worst.

“My pride is hurt more than anything.” Gavi gave another shrug. “It’s just…would have been nice if she communicated with me, you know? This isn’t exactly the most mature way of doing things.”

“Forget her,” Jude blurted out. “Girls are stupid anyways.”

“No, they’re not,” Gavi countered, tone laden with conviction. “Girls are pretty and fun and brilliant. Some of them can be frustrating to deal with, true, but they’re anything but stupid. Boys are stupid. That’s a universally accepted fact.”

“Well, this one doesn’t deserve you, clearly,” Jude doubled down, because he’s already dug his own grave, might as well handle the burial. Retracting would only make him a pussy and Jude was anything but that.

“And you do?”

“What?” Jude said, suddenly feeling incredibly light-headed.

“Oh, don’t play dumb now.” Gavi rolled his eyes at him. “Bellingham, you’re not as subtle as you think. In fact, you aren’t subtle at all. Everyone knows you’re into me. My coach teases me about it for God’s sake. Dude, trust me. I have known since forever. The first person who runs to my side when I so much as stumble is you. How could I not know?”

Jude felt like a block of ice where he stood. It felt as though his palpitating heart was going to beat out of his chest. His brain was only capable of latching onto one thing so he voiced that out loud. “What do you mean your coach teases you about it?”

Gavi gave him a genuine smile then, the very first one, and Jude felt like a victorious gladiator in an arena full of adoring romans chanting his name.

“That’s between me and him,” Gavi said, and his smile only widened.

It made Jude incredibly curious but he didn’t press him. He had a more important question to ask anyway. “You knew all this time and yet you continued to treat me like a pariah?”

“You made me nervous, okay!” Gavi confessed, his gaze vulnerable. “I’ve never…I don’t do boys. Didn’t exactly know how to handle having a crush on one. There also happened to be this little voice in my head telling me it was wrong. So, I decided to just focus on girls. It was easier. Truth be told, this whole thing with Grazia was me trying to forget you.”

“Did it work?” Jude asked. It would take him at least a couple of days to process everything else Gavi had just said. “Or do you still have a crush on me?”

Gavi looked down for a while, chewing on his bottom lip while Jude stewed in the suspense. “Yeah, you’re pretty much under my skin. Tried damn near everything but nothing has worked so far.”

“How about going on a date with me?” Jude said. “How about we give that a try?”

Gavi’s response came quickly this time, shy smile playing around the corners of his full lips. “Yeah, I don’t see why not.”

[justajsworkshop]

honest share with you all (i dunno. low-key vent?).

look, i know i'm not talking about all this from the place of "my ideal," but idk. i want to write this for me and for you because it feels nice to get it off my chest, and also i just want you to know that finding certain things more challenging than others doesn't mean you suck at manifesting.

there is zero point to all of this. it's just a long ass stream of consciousness. you do not have to read it or read it all the way to the end. like, spare yourself. lmaooooo.

the two areas i've found the most challenging in my journey are my cat's health and money. i am a very powerful manifestor. sometimes, manifesting felt easier before discovering the law, ngl. because i wasn't trying to intellectualize it; it was just happening.

but since discovering the law, my health has been freakishly easy to improve since i've been able to curb how i talk to myself about my body. interactions with desired people also come pretty naturally to me, too. tho, i don't really want that much from other people. so, i think that's part of it. i rarely dwell in desire with my personal relationships.

before the law, i manifested a new standing desk just by obsessing over what kind i wanted... browsing amazon for waaaay too long every day until one day, i walked outside and saw one on the sidewalk that fit all my desires. (ppl leave furniture for others to take around here all the time.)

^ and this is why i say you don't need to feel it real or anything. if you keep putting something within your awareness, it will materialize. i didn't even consider a certain desk "mine." i just keep obsessing over what kind to get.

other times, i'd just think "huh, this would be nice." and it would come into fruition without any further effort on my part. like i got a new shower head literally delivered and installed without needing to pay for anything or ask anyone just because i wanted a detachable one. a short bit later, the gas company knocked on my door, and i had a new shower head. plus, the water pressure/heat dramatically improved. it was all something i'd thought would be nice but put no conscious effort into "making happen."

i can and have manifested massive windfalls of money, amazing job opportunities, and great financial outcomes; i've done it before many times. but tbh, consistency with this? being able to trust in it? it hasn't always been easy for me, and this is one gap the law has helped me fill. i used to give a lot of power to the method or my feeling state or whether to think about it or not think about it, etc.

recently, i've been feeling immense relief being able to experience my finances as i desire them to be in imagination. it's been nice. i am SO abundant! so, when appearances show me something different, i just go back to my imaginal experience and be who i want to be. or maybe i'll just remind myself that it's all ok, that i'm ok, that it'll all be ok. or i'll ask myself "what if the money has always been there?" and i chuckle and smile because i know it has been.

i gently remind my anxiety we're no longer in egypt: we've been freed. my linear mind wants to sound off that the house in on fire rn, ngl. but i find so much peace in remembering that i'm not what i experience with my physical body. reality isn't what these physical eyes see or what these physical ear hear. i'm the awareness through which all experiences i can ever desire to experience pass through, so i feed my awareness with wonderful experiences.

i worry about my cat a lot because, yknow, he's my lil guy. he's my whole world. and i've been able to manifest good health for him in certain areas; it's just this one that's been more challenging for me.

idk, it's like this chew toy my anxiety will not let go of, and i'm like, bruh, why are you holding onto this? we don't enjoy it!! (using "we" language here because i tend to take an internal family systems approach to how i experience myself, observing different parts of me while knowing it's all me.)

but anyway—i know i'm entirely the source of my suffering here, jfc. it almost... makes me laugh rn as i write it tho?? the sheer absurdity of the mind to insist, insist, insist on this one experience that it KNOWS it doesn't like. like, my dude, there's an infinite feast available. why do you keep eating this terrible food??? pls, i beg of you. it's so silly? i finally just booked a vet appointment for him, the one i probably should have done months ago, and now it's a game of being like "alright, money. do your thing. jump in my bank account."

it's so fucking dumb because i'm literally masterful at manifesting money, and yet i pretend i can't for some stupid psyche/ego reason. doesn't matter either way because i still imagine myself as i'd like to be even if the physical mind is being a right wanker. lmfao. but when i immerse myself in imagination, i don't see how i couldn't be my desired self because there i am!

thank god thoughts alone don't manifest because i've thought some HORRIBLE SHIT in the past few days, but guess who's still here, kicking around, and doing just fine? me (and my cat).

i no longer desire to shift. i experience my DR all the time imaginally. you can't tell me i haven't shifted because i've done it dozens of times now, and i love it. i started affirming i'm not tapping into the void state/point consciousness during meditation, and it's allowed me to enjoy evening meditation again. i can just be instead of trying for anything. thank goodness.

so, i dunno. i'm sorry you read this, but i did warn you it was pointless lololol. this is just a random update on stuff i've been up to but in a less polished version than you usually get.

i hope you're doing well. i imagine you well. may life surprise you with many wonderful gifts today. <3

[beevean]

What bothers me about how forceful/unbased some neurodivergency/LGBT+ headcanons are is how they give off the vibe only neurodivergent or queer characters are allowed to have anything going for them. Not even anything special! Let's take TMOSTH: Tails feels empathy for many things? Autistic! Espio speedread a book to spoil the ending for Knuckles? Autistic! Or what you pointed out in Archie, with Shadow stating he likes his motorcycle? Autistic! As someone who only recently found out they might not be entirely neurotypical, I recall quite disliking and feeling somewhat hurt that every single thing a character did immediately gets spun around to fit the OP's projecting, with the attached "fuck the straights and the neurotypicals only gay people would ever do this" that tends to come along with it (where the thing "only gay people do" 99% of the time is the most basic thing in the world). It's almost like people don't want to consider that the most normal, down-to-earth, "boring" (used in the way such OPs tend to use it: as an easy jab) neurotypical cishet person can feel empathy for many things, speedread, or like a motorcycle. I feel like there is more behind that due to the state of the world at large, but it's annoying to see have to come across it in fandom all the time, and then have the "proof" be complete nonsense or entirely taken out of context to "support" the statement. Not to mention the "joking" accusations of bigotry if you do not share such headcanons that occasionally get added as well.

Another example I thought of the moment I hit the "ask" button: Surge getting revealed as Sonic's "clone" and the ENTIRETY OF TUMBLR immediately deciding this meant Sonic was trans. The fact they aren't even the same species nor look alike in the slightest and the fact I thus promptly got very worried about the biology knowledge of the entirety of Tumblr aside, thank god that shit died down when it got revealed Surge legit was just some rando Starline plucked from the streets with no relation to Sonic.

You hit the nail on the head.

When autistic headcanons are created from the basis of "X has a passion for Y!", I'm here like... do you think autistic people are the only ones who can feel any sort of love or attachment over something? Do you think neurotypical people can only blandly tolerate things? Isn't hyperfixation something much, much more intense than a passion? Isn't autism much more than "being shy and with something they love", and isn't ADHD much more than being excitable? This shit makes legit harder for people to realize if they're neurodivergent or not because I swear that literal human nature is deemed to be "divergent". If "neurotypicalness" is associated with being an emotionless, insensitive asshole, no wonder no one would want to identify as, or call their favorite character, neurotypical!

Don't get me started on how for some people "straight" is a synonym for boring and "gay" is a synonim for fun and quirky. Shocker: love and fun are not limited to non-cishet people. It's not a "weird", exceptional state of humanity. Cishet people can have a personality too.

lmaooooo I remember that headcanon, good times. Speaking of which, while the headcanon "Sonic is trans because he doesn't have chest fur" is... something, I side-eye people who headcanon Surge as trans. Oh, you think that the nasty, aggressively masculine bully is trans? It doesn't look good in either direction :) (same for the people who headcanon her as a lesbian, despite her having 0 meaningful interactions with female characters, solely because she's "butch". I wouldn't want to do that, but I may be biased lmao)

[lunaplena]

okay, i think i’ve been sitting on this long enough that i can now speak about it...storytime ahead

as we all know i’m still looking for a new job, and i’ve been submitting applications consistently (and carefully, for the most part) for a while now and not hearing back, or getting rejected, or never moving past the initial interview stage...well, about three weeks ago i get an email inviting me in for an invitation with this architecture firm and i’m STOKED, but this firm is in california, which...i am not and they think i am because i’ve been borrowing a relative’s address on my resume lol

anyway i tell them yes i’ll be there when do you want me and the whole time i’m like shitting a brick because if they say the next day i have no idea how the hell i’m going to get out there but i’m comitted and i’m ready to pay 500$ for a one-way plane ticket sflkjsdflkjsdfglkj but the interview is set for a week later and i can breathe...

so i book a whole trip i literally drop everything to go to california for the weekend to go to this interview and i’m so excited but so nervous the whole time...

anyway the interview comes on monday and i get there and i’m fuckin SHAKING the whole time...but i worried for nothing because honestly, the interview is sort of a hot mess in that it wasn’t very formal and i was nervous and THEY were nervous but i got along pretty well with my interviewers and i’m there for literally an hour and a half with them, which included a tour of the office, meeting key members of the team i will potentially interact with, including the big boss, and they show me the work area and things like that...so i leave feeling super excited right but tempering my expectations regardless

so like, a day later one of the interviewers emails me and asks for my references, and i send the list to them but after i sent it i realized i hadn’t updated my references in like a year...or two...

and like. okay it’s been nearly two weeks since the interview and i haven’t heard anything since...i even sent a thank you email a week later to follow up but they didn’t even reply...and now i’m so so soo soooooo sad because i thought the whole thing had gone over so well

i’m trying not to dwell on what went wrong but i am thinking that my references may have been a strike against me??? and also, the interview wasn’t structured very well at all so i don’t think that they got to ask the important questions, nor i because they explained everything all over the place...maybe i didn’t impress them enough or they met someone else that they liked better...

sigh. job hunting is hard

[ladywaifuuwrites]

Pillars reacting to their crush who’s small but strong

Request: male pillars reacting to a really strong female pillar whos like super short like 4′10-5′ and they crush on them.

Pairings: Male pillars x fem! reader

Synopsis: Their crush is a strong smol pillar ^_^

Warnings: manga spoiler

a/n: I smiled at your request since I’m small too. Like I’m 5′0. And I’m kinda scared to do face to face classes since the boys at my school will tease me for not getting taller. Hmph. SO HERE YA GO. You’re the first request! Have a nice day whoever u are!

And I am so sorry this is so long! ASJDAOFHHASK. I got carried away in some of those storylines. I hope this makes sense (wrote this when I was hungry).

This would be a headcanon I assume. 

I’m sorry if It’s taking me long to answer requests but don’t worry I’ll write those! I’ll probably upload rules for future requests :)

Giyuu Tomioka

yo this guy is tall not kidding

Giyuu is head over heels for you. He’ll want to protect you since you’re the most precious things he’s ever laid eyes on

Sparkles in his eyes whenever he sees you✨

He doesn’t want to lose you so he’s butting in on all of your missions. You get annoyed and you think he’s looking down on you.

You two get into a fight and doesn’t fix it since Giyuu’s communication is bad. It ends up in you walking away.

Nighttime and demons are lurking around in the forest as you take a stroll to clear your mind. Then a demon launches on you but thanks to your quick reflexes you dodge.

It’s a strong demon, close enough to become one of the lower moons. But nothing you can’t handle.

Giyuu senses a demon nearby and he frantically searches for you. *sim dads reaction when the mother goes into labor lmaooooo*

Lights fill up an area of the forest from the techniques you use. In like 2 strikes the demon dies.

He finally finds you as the demon’s ashes blow away. Your hair is dramatically blowing too.

He’s just staring at you then hugs you “I’m sorry. I’m not underestimating you…I just want to protect you.”  

Then all good. He’s amazed by how strong you are despite you’re short stature. You’re going to missions together and sometimes he just watches you finish off the demon. Just happy to see that satisfied smile you have when you kill a demon.

Muichiro Tokito

When he first met you at the pillar meeting, he muttered his thoughts, wondering how could someone be that small? You’re in the same age but you’re small.

Shinobu heard him since she was beside him and said “that’s rude to ask someone”. She’s lowkey offended.

Tengen retorts to Muichiro. “You’re small too…??”

Since it’s rude, he kept his mouth shut. You’re the same age as him when you entered the corps. He thinks you’ll grow up anyway. 

Surprise surprise you grew up, 2 inches. But still small. 

He gets nervous a bit around you since puberty did you good. Won’t admit it though.

Cue swordsmith village arc

He’s having trouble dealing with Gyokko. (I hate his face. It’s weird and ugly.)

Then minutes later, you show up out of nowhere, giving great damage to the demon.

“Are you okay?” you ask him with concern and you two fight off the fish demon.

He’s in awe because you actually took over the fight. Sure you have injuries but those are minor compared to his and you were very careful.

He’s injured so he couldn’t do much but you saved him and the civilians by defeating the demon. That’s when he realized how amazing you are and you earn his respect. 

Days pass by and you two along with the other demon slayers are commended by Oyakata-sama.

He thanks you when the both of you are walking together. He’s very grateful for what you did and you two become closer afterwards.

“Ah young love.” Mitsuri sighs blissfully as she watches you two leave the headquarters.

Kyojuro Rengoku 

Kyojuro knows you’re small and he knows you’re strong. You’re one of his trainees along with Mitsuri, so you’ve known each other for a long time now.

You rose to the ranks of the pillars with Kyojuro’s guidance. And now you’re looked up to by the whole organization because of your excellent swordsmanship despite your small figure. 

So you’re tasked to train 20 slayers ranked below Tsuchinoto. You take them to a clearing in the forest where training equipment are already placed. You train them by remembering what Kyojuro has taught you over the years. And you smile, seeing your past self in the struggling slayers.

You gave them a 10 minute break and after 10 minutes, you do a headcount to see if everyone is in your proximity. 

“18,19…?????” 

Oh no. A slayer is missing.

So you set off to find the missing one and there you found him. 

Hanging upside down from the arms of a large demon. The boy is muttering apologies for straying faraway and is begging for you to save him upon seeing you. 

You are annoyed at the fact that he has disobeyed your orders and is now at the hands of danger. But this was no time to be blaming someone for a boy’s life is at stake here. 

You jump into the air and you take down the demon pretty easily with one strike of your sword. And you catch the falling boy bridal style with your annoyed face. 

You put the boy down but suddenly a demon comes attacking you both. You kill it but more of it comes at you. They are easy to take down but it keeps coming, making you tired if you have to do this all night. It just won’t stop multiplying.

You think you’ve killed almost all of it but then the slayer screams “(L/N)-SAN!!!!!”. A monstrous looking demon bares its claws at you, but before you could react a flash of flames appears right in front of your eyes. 

“Kyojuro…” You whisper in relief as he slays the final demon. The bright flames sparkle in your eyes as you’re once again amazed at the man.

Kyojuro looks at you and comes over. “You’re so amazing.” You manage to say. 

He smiles and says. “No. You’re the amazing one.”. You always manage to face whatever challenge and it always ends up in you winning. Kyojuro knows how hard you proved others wrong by becoming a strong pillar. 

Super proud of you cause you’re strong. He actually watched you battle those before jumping in to save you.

Sanemi Shinazugawa

He doesn’t really care if you’re short or tall

The important things is that you’re useful to the organization

When someone teases you about your height, you end up feeling down and he’s there to beat that someone’s ass.

He doesn’t like to admit it but he’s a softie when it comes to you. You eventually break down his walls and now you can say you’re friends with the scary wind pillar.

You always tease him though and he’s always annoyed. But everyone thinks you’re both dumb since it’s very clear that you two like each other but you still deny it.

There’s this time where Sanemi is visibly struggling fighting demons as you watch him peacefully on a rooftop. He’s glaring at you and asks you “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”.

You just smile at him sweetly😊

Sanemi pretends his heart didn’t do a flip. But his heart stopped when he saw a demon behind you on the rooftop.

He was about to call your name when another blink and the demon’s head was cut off.

He was surprised since it all happened so fast. You go down to the ground, landing safely as you battle demons that the frozen Sanemi left.

It just took you 10 seconds to eliminate those demons and Sanemi’s mouth is left agape as he watched you.

You weren’t normally like this. So why the sudden surge of power?

“Sanemi hun. Close your mouth.” You say to him with a blank face, but before you could go past him, he gripped your wrist tightly and placed your small body in front of him.

He dragged you so easily lol.

He hugged you with your faced buried on his chest.

It was the comforting kind of silence. Sanemi was scared losing you to that demon but deep inside he knows that you’re strong.

Won’t admit that your moves are amazing.

Gyomei Himejima

This man is the strongest in the demon slayer corps and the tallest

Lmaoooo you would be like a mushroom beside him💀🍄

Gyomei actually gets out of tricky situations easily because he’s that strong

You’re a fairly new pillar who earned her spot 3 months ago. You two were assigned on a mission together. A gigantic demon appeared throughout the village that was between the regions you and the stone pillar were assigned in.

Gyomei knows your capabilities so he trusts you in doing a good job, but he can’t help but worry about you.

He doesn’t care if you’re small, he thinks that height isn’t the basis for an excellent demon slayer. But he’s still worried, so he looks for you. I don’t know how he looks but he looks.

Then he sees you fighting off demons very easily. A determined look is seen across your face. Gyomei feels he’s tearing up because he’s so proud of you. Proud boyfriend here somethin.

You were just a weak mizunoto years ago and now you’re a strong pillar who can fight with him side by side.

When you finish off the demons, you look to see Gyomei smiling at you. This were the fruits of the harsh trainings you went through, it made an excellent swordswoman.

Among the pillars, you stand beside Gyomei in rankings. So you’re powerful like wow. O_O

Obanai Iguro

He’s small but have you seen him fight? He’s a demon slayer with remarkable speed and you won’t know he’s attacking you because his moves slithers secretly like a snake.

You’ve always admired Obanai even you’re now both pillars. And that admiration bloomed into something more.  

He’s a strong pillar despite his small stature and that’s what you aim for to be like.

You’re trying to show off your moves to him every time you’re in battle together, to show him what you can do. To which he’s just “meh”.

So you give up on trying to show off and just do it for the sake of the people you’re saving.

You really gave up on showing off, but you can’t help it cause your breathing forms are flashy. Obanai doesn’t show it but he loves that display of power you have when you’re fighting.

Poor man doesn’t realize he’s in love with you even though others point it out.

He’s having trouble dividing his attention on protecting the civilians or fighting the demons. Luckily you were near the area so you came to his aid.

You slay the demons with your sharp and precise movements in just a short amount of time.

He’s like 😲 but when you turn he’s back to 😐😷

He’s one of the guys who won’t admit that you’re amazing and won’t admit that he likes you. You force him to confess though.

Tengen Uzui

If Obanai doesn’t admit he likes you, this guy would shout that he likes you

Would openly flirt with you because why not? There’s nothing to be shy about.

Always takes the chance to compliment and flirt with you.

“You’re cute (y/n)” “Thanks” Tengen finds your height cute because the height difference is HUGE.

Another mushroom like moment💀🍄

He knows you’re strong so he likes to train with you. Always ends up letting you win because he just likes it when he’s pinned down by your smaller figure.

When a demon invasion came in your area,, you fight them off while Tengen is called for backup.

He slays the lesser demons easily and found you fighting a stronger demon while protecting some children behind your back.

He smirks and leans against a tree, arms folded while watching you fight off the demon. 

You did it so easily making Tengen’s eyebrows rise.

Then you see him and ask him “what are you doing?”.

“watching you.” He finds you hot and sexy when you have that focused look in the middle of a battle. He won’t say it out loud because you might smack him in the face.

Super amazed at the fact that you’re stronger than the other pillars despite your small figure.(he thinks you’re stronger than him but dismisses that because pshhhhhh).

Will throw you over his shoulder at random times. Thinking that his antics will make you fall in love with him.

And it did…

[trashlie]

!!! omg yes yes i’d love for you to write more about that!!!! and! the first post from you i saw about kousuke and how he subverts the trope of the ml??? it was SO GOOD!! and you got another ask that mentioned how people saw yeonggi as the happy go lucky character! it reminded me of this ask which is very long i sent to @somebody-909 😭 i was just gushingggg about secondary male leads bc i for some reason always end up rooting for them and how yeonggi has the vibes even though he’s a main character 😩 and also we talked about other characters like kyo but i forgot that tohru also had dealt with abuse from her own family so in the end it’s like. it’s a story about two survivors finding happiness etc etc 😔🥺 idk idk all of you guys who make analysis are so cool

I hope you don't mind me answering these two asks separately, because I just know if I didn't I would miss too many things, haha!

I'm not sure if I could write a very good analysis of Yeonggi subverting the secondlead trope, but I sure could try! I feel like it's a little more biased because I DO ship Stalkyoo, but I think I can try to work with it! I also remember seeing that ask (I was going through their blog the other day) and I really enjoyed it! Like you, I tend to favor secondary leads, which I think is also because I have a tendency to love the act of yearning and pining lmao and man second leads sure do pine a lot, right? Also because second leads often (though mercifully not always) have a tendency to hesitate and miss their timing or just plain don't act on their feelings, and it creates a big sense of what could have been, and I think when you are someone who favors underdogs, you really fall into that "what could have been" thing, right?

(I think there's also a conversation to be had about first vs second leads and traits of masculinity, but I am admittedly not well-versed enough to do this, but some general food for thought is: often in the case where I favored a first to a second lead, it's because the first lead evoked a lot of traits of masculinity that I don't care for? Jealousy, possessiveness, being cold and not showing their emotions esp compared to a second lead who was often portrayed as gentle with his heart on his sleeve, kind. In a lot of these cases, the second lead is often not favored by the majority of the audience because "he just feels like a friend" aka he lacks the masculine traits people think a man should have~ or blah blah blah. I wonder if this is still a prevalent thing these days? I tend to avoid love triangles so I'm not sure, but, it's something I would like to throw in if I talk about Nol subervting the second lead trope aaahhhhh now I'm just on a whole other tangent lmao)

Here's an embarrassing admission: in the past, when I was young, back in like, 2007 in my first year of college and I started reading Fruits Basket and I watched the original anime lmaooooo I actually really favored Yukki, because I'm a gross sucker for gentle prince types lmaoooo but as I've gotten older, being able to understand what made Kyo and Tohru work so well was really satisfying!

I've become really enamored with the idea of Nol and Shinae as mirrors to each other, able to help each other identify and work on the parts of them where they are weaker or struggle, and the idea of these two people coming from uneasy lives and finding comfort in the sanctuary they create together? WHOLESOME. I live for that shit. (I don't ever want it to read though like I want Shinae to "fix" Nol or anything like that - he has a lot of work to put himself, just like she has for herself, but I like the idea that as they become people who heal themselves, they help each other heal, too, in the ways that they reflect each other, if that makes sense?) Survivors creating their own sense of home, out of the mess that they've endured is.... AAHHHHHH satisfying! There's something so strong about survival, let alone finding comfort in the wreckage of all that tried to destroy you, isn't it? Shinae has been dealt a bad hand in life, lacked opportunities others had, was judged mercilessly without anyone getting to know her; the idea of her becoming a person who can face the world without feeling like she's ill-fit, without feeling like she's out of place, because she's finally learned her value? Hhhhhh I love it! And likewise, Nol being able to face his awful family knowing that he is more than they ever saw in him, that he was never the villain he was made to believe? PLS my heart!!!!!!!!

(You know, my first time I read ILY, before I realized it was deeper than the surface and than I gave it credit for, I was also convinced Nol was a second lead interest, simply based on the fact that so often characters like Kousuke are coded the first lead and that characters like Nol are there to make us sad lmao. I think that's what made writing the Kousuke analysis so easy for me! At one point I decided to a read where I did not view anything through a romantic lens - not even things like the hospital balcony scene or the wac hand holding - to try to judge just what else could be going on under the surface, that's when I started to realize that a lot of scenes are kind of kind of a couple things superimposed over each other. Kousuke and Nol look like they're competing for Shinae's favor when they each remove their jackets, but what does it REALLY mean. Ironically enough, reading without a romantic lens made me favor Nol and Stalkyoo EVEN MORE lmao because I was finally able to pay attention to the nuanced depth and character development, and the way their relationship progressed as she came to trust him and their friendship solidified really made the framework feel obvious. But the point is: like you I tend to favor second leads and I was already favoring Nol on the principle that he's so sad and I just wanted to see it all turn around for him for once lmaooooo)

[actual-fucking-clown]

Take your time then.

Aizawa x gender neutral reader

Story under the cut :)

Unedited but like edited but still not properly edited :)

Hope you enjoy!!!

a/n: it’s been a hot min since I’ve written a fic. I think the last time i was 14 and it was shit and on wattpad. Ha. I hate myself. N e way, I was recently writing some shit for an au me and my friend thought up and in the back of my mind I was like, “you should start writing fics again bc this is kinda fun”, soo lo and behold I made a post asking if anyone would be interested, shared a little too much personal shit in it but whatever, and have now decided to write this mother fucker. (3/25/21)

a/n: not sure if anyone will care about this series of a/n’s but I’m just chronicling thoughts ig. rewriting rn bc my first draft was short and ass. Also I’m thinking about opening requests after this is posted, will go into detail in a diff post maybe. (3/28/21)

a/n: deleted everything, rewriting. I just want to make something that might be decent and if I can give that feeling, y’know those chills you get when you read something utterly gorgeous, but I’m bad at writing. sadge (3/28/21, like several hours later)

a/n: ugh (4/1/21)

a/n: ugh pt 2 electric boogaloo. I can’t seem to move forward with the writing. I realized something like this might happen bc to solve a problem feelings need to be discussed and I fucking hate doing that so you can see where I’m fucking up lmaooooo (4/2/21)

a/n: I read angst to fuel my writing brain. So, read some angst, finally writing agian. This first section is probs as long as the story itself LMFAO(4/5/21)

Started: (3/25/21) Finished: (4/5/21)

Warnings: uh angst, curse words, like a lot, (i saw someone else put this as a warning, do I actually need it?), avoiding problems instead of actually facing them, mentions of shit so-so parenting, mentions of not being able to live up to high expectations, y’know, the works

Synopsis: Aizawa takes in Eri without running it by you first and expects you to be okay with it. That’s funny. He was wrong.

Can I preface this with a thought? I’m going to anyway,

all the fics I read paint him as the sweetest partner and I’m sure he is but I think they miss out on how blunt he is and his whole “Mr. Rationality” thing. So as much as I adore him I think there are situations that he’d be a bit more colder towards, a bit more straightforward about. Maybe even like a bit insensitive about but maybe bc he doesn’t have the full picture or something. so I guess this is another warning but aizawa is a little insensitive in the beginning (but like not really but kinda. it’s complicated)

~

Rain pattered softly against the window. The smell of some old random Bath and Bodyworks candle you’d dug out from a box you’d never bothered to unpack smothered the room. Some Netflix show idly played on a low volume on your computer, you’d lost interest in watching tv awhile ago. You needed a break. After the eventful month you’d been having you really needed this. 

Now of course your whole year so far had been eventful. What with all the villain attacks on you and Shouta’s class and the kidnapping of one of your students, to just dealing with the more mundane problems with your students. No. You had no problem with that. The villains, although not easy, were something you were trained to handle. The smaller problems with your students weren’t arduous either, after all you weren’t too much older than them. 

When reflecting on your situation, from and outside perspective it could be seen as the straw the broke the camels back, which sure, makes sense. After all, you’re bound to be stressed out by everything else, so why would this seemingly insignificant thing weigh heavier than a villain attack? Well if that is the situation why does this single straw feel like it weighs a ton? This is not that. This is not culmination of the events of this year draining the life from you. This is something entirely different. A panic inducing life change that completely took you by surprise mixed with your inability to actually face your problems. 

You don’t blame them. You can’t. They’ve done nothing wrong. A child. A small, probably mentally scarred child is your problem. Well not her personally but the fear taking care of her instills in you. Despite working in the field that you do, you cannot for the life of you handle actual children. Sure you’re a little awkward with your class but at least they’re young adults and (vaguely) mature and independent to a certain extent. The fact that your long term boyfriend just came back one day, small child in tow and said “Hey I’ve gotta look after this one now” not verbatim obviously, for a lack of better words, fucked you up. He basically solo adopted a kid and, let’s be honest, he probably expected you to help out. But how could you? How could this man look at you and think “I want this person to help me raise an already fucked up child?” Ok sure, he doesn’t at first give off the “I’m totally father figure material” vibe but in the end he is extremely competent. You on the other hand, not so much.

You’d never been good with children. Tried your best to steer clear of them. Didn’t matter the place, didn’t matter who’s kid, you couldn’t handle them. You would just stand there, awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do and petrified that there was the possibility of making some mistake which would upset the child and then oh wow look, your head got chopped right of your shoulders. That’s hyperbole of course but it does sum up the insurmountable fear that overcomes you whenever you have to deal with a child. So considering the fact that your long term boyfriend had suddenly decided to adopt and not at least warn you, didn’t sit right with you.

So, the best and most obvious choice, was to avoid your problem. Avoid Shouta, avoid Eri. Avoid the mention of them and you, avoid it all. And honestly you’d done pretty well so far. You were able to have as little contact with them as possible considering the close proximity of your living quarters in the teacher’s dorms. After all they were legally supposed to give you two separate rooms but you never actually used yours, well until now. You were living it up honestly. Did you feel awful? Of course. He is your boyfriend after all and you were sure Eri doesn’t deserve your cold shoulder but this is probably for the best. What could you offer her? You weren’t sure that you were a good role model for her or anyone for that matter. What did you know about raising kids? it’s not like you had parents to set a proper example for you. Of course they might have shown you what not to do but where do you go from there? Is shit like that really avoidable? You don’t want to be like them. You strive to be better but what if you can’t be. There’s also the added bonus of the fact that raising a kid seems taxing on a relationship. Now matter how strong you were sure that the stress of a kid could break a relationship down that then festers into something toxic and unrecognizable. You didn’t want that. God you couldn’t let that happen. No. This was definitely for the better.

Of course Aizawa didn’t feel the same. He was confused on why his partner had been so blatantly avoiding him. Did he do something wrong? He doesn’t remember doing anything that might’ve upset you. So why now? Why pull away now? He had to get down to the bottom of this but catching you was the hard part. You had been taking on more work, offering more assistance to the other teachers, picking up extra patrols, doing everything and anything to stay away from Shouta. It took him a month but he finally caught up to you. You were tired, worn out he knew that. Instead of loading yourself with work you’d decided to hole yourself up in your room. It was now or never.

You were pulled out of your peace at the sound of a few gentle knocks to your door. You really didn’t want to get it. You honestly couldn’t be bothered. 

“(N/n)? Are you in there?” He hadn’t gotten it wrong right? He hadn’t been too distracted earlier and missed you leaving right?

“What’s up?” You hummed from your place by the window, not bothering to actually open the door.

“Can I come in?” Shouta asked, voice soft. You could barely hear him above the patter of the rain and the low humming of your laptop.

“Uh, no, kinda busy. Got loads of work to do. Need to focus, sorry. Maybe later?” You hesitantly spoke. Not sure if you were convincing enough. 

Apparently you weren’t.

He sighed. “It’s been “later” for an entire month. Please (Y/n) just let me in. Whatever this is we can talk it out.” You had predicted that eventually Shouta would start to try to crack down on whatever the issue was but you didn’t expect it so soon. 

“Uh...no?” You tried, hoping that maybe he’d just give up but that wasn’t Shouta.

“No, you don’t get that option, now please, open the door.” Although it was still soft his voice had taken a more stern tone.

“Oh no I’m dead. I guess I can’t open the door. What a shame. I guess the only way to talk with me now is in the pits of hell.” You quipped, trying to lessen the tension that already ran thick.

“(Y/n).” Aizawa sighed.

“Jeez fine. Talk about pushy.” You quipped once more to no avail.

Opening the door you were met with, well exactly what you expected. He stood there, arms crossed, a stern yet gentle look in his eyes, his lips pulled into a slight frown. 

“Come in.” You mumbled as you stepped further into your room.

“So tell me. What’s wrong?” The sentence stirred so much. Of course you wanted to tell him. You wanted to spill your guts to the man you loved in hopes of comfort but you just can’t. You know you’ll just scare him off. You know you’ll make things worse.

So you stay silent.

He says nothing as he grabs your hands gently and leads you over to your bed. He sits the two of you down on the edge, muting the movie on the laptop sitting behind him.

“You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you right?” Shouta sent you a warm smile. 

You weren’t very comfortable with discussing your feelings sometimes, it mostly stemmed from the fact that you never really could discuss them with anyone growing up which made it harder to confide in anyone now, as at this point bottling things up was a habit. But this was also just something that you were sure that you couldn’t talk about.

Silence answered him once again.

Now he took sometime to think about his approach, think about what could’ve happened that made you pull away. What did he do that was different from his norm? He was genuinely stumped and the fact that you weren’t helping him confused him even more.

You decided to take this time to lament the situation too. What was he going to do? Should you actually tell him or play it off? If you play it off will he still insist that something is wrong? If you tell him will he leave you? If you don’t tell him will he leave you? You risked a glance at him, he was still deep in thought.

Why did you have to adopt this fucking kid without at least warning me?

“What?” Your head shot up at the sound of his shocked voice.

“What?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Eri’s the problem...?” He spoke slowly, not entirely sure if he’d heard you right.

“Did I say that out loud?” You squeaked.

“I’m pretty sure you mumbled something along the lines of “why’d you have to adopt that fucking kid”.” Shouta said, unsure if he’d heard wrong. Wanting to have heard wrong.

“No no no no no no! It’s not like that! I mean it is like that but not like that!” You frantically waved your hands in hopes of defusing the situation.

The way he looked at you made you want to cry. You felt horrible. You felt like the biggest asshole in the world and, at this point you probably were. He looked at you with such a look of heartbreak and disappointment and confusion it made you sick to your stomach. You felt light-headed and started shaking. You were right. You were right. You were always right. God why did you have to be right! Why did you have to be like this? Scared of raising a fucking child! It was asinine and irrational and you could probably move past it  but thanks to your stupid fucking brain you just sealed your fate.

You scooted away from him still waving your hands frantically as no’s tumbled endlessly from your lips. You tried sputtering an apology, anything so that he wouldn’t look at you like that but nothing stuck. Nothing was comprehensible. Nothing worked. Nothing would work. Nothing will work. You were hopeless. It was hopeless. 

“If it isn’t like how it seems then tell it to me straight.” Shouta finally spoke up.

You took a second to come down from your panic. You steeled your nerves as much as possible before you spoke. 

“Um well, I have nothing against her it’s just that a little heads up would’ve been nice? I’m not all that great with kids so this is just kind of weird is all.” You were purposefully being vague in hopes that he’d understand what you meant and also maybe drop it.

“Not great with kids? You’re literally a teacher.” He pointed out.

“Yeah you know but she’s like a kid kid and let’s be honest I’m not too great with the students either.” You awkward laughed. So he wasn’t getting it.

“Wha-you’re fine with the students and I’m sure you’ll be fine with Eri, there was no reason to avoid me over this.” Shouta sighed. As good as he was with dealing with people, he was equally as shit. Or maybe it was just the fact that you gave him very little to work with. It was probably a bit of both. Still his dismissiveness was not helping you right now.

“No, no, no, no. I think I’ll stay here. Uh, good luck with your parenthood escapades and sorry to leave you high and dry like this but that’s going to have to be a no from me.” You rambled. He seemed to be getting a little tired of this.

“(Y/n) stop being irrational. She’s not even our kid I’m just looking after her for now. Why are you being difficult? I told you you were fine with the students and you’ll be fine with Eri, what else do you want to hear?” Shouta grumbled.

“Well uh I don’t know, uh...” You trailed off, this seemed to be going in a direction you really didn’t want it to go. A slight hostility settling in the air.

At your lack of a proper answer he clicked his tongue. He took a moment to reassess the situation. There had to be something he was missing. After all you were getting really worked up but if you weren’t going to talk to him there was nothing he could do. He shook his head before running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“(Y/n), please, please, just be honest with me. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you can tell me. But I won’t be able to understand if you don’t.” Aizawa sighed, deciding that getting worked up about this was not the way to go, especially when you seemed to be especially distraught.

“Uh, god the thing is I don’t know entirely what to say to put the shitshow in my head into perspective.” You mumbled, trying desperately to figure out what to say that could clear the air but nothing seemed to be coherent enough.

“Take your time.” He decided that this was the best approach to things, making sure neither party got too worked up lest this turn into a fight.

The rain continued to patter softly against the window and your candle continued to burn an slightly off floral-ish scent.  A deafening silence hung in the air because even though he was being as patient as possible some of his frustration leaked through, it was bound to though so you couldn’t exactly blame him. After all, you were probably equally as frustrated with yourself too. 

“I’m just not good in a position like this. I’m not good with kids, especially someone like Eri who’s already so broken. You have that nurturing nature, it comes natural to you but I’m not on that level. I  don’t know the first thing about caring for a child let alone one as already traumatized as her. I’d fuck it up and only make things worse. I don’t want you to reassure me that I’ll be okay with her, I want you to understand that I’m not comfortable with this and that it might take me awhile to come around. I’m sure I sound like the biggest asshole ever but please understand that this just isn’t something I’m ready for.” You had rambled a bit, you were aware of that, but it was the only way that you could properly express your feelings without making things too complicated.

Aizawa said nothing. Trying to figure out how to go about things.

Was he upset? Yeah, you two, even after several long years of being together, hadn’t discussed moving forward in your relationship in depth. And if he’d tried you seemed content with the point you two were at so he left it be, no reason to try and move forward when what you had was already fine the way it was. But recently he’d been craving more. Some mornings, when he’d be the first to wake, he’d study your features in the soft light of the sunrise and wonder what it’d be like to properly settle down with you. Get married, start a family, all that jazz. He’d taken in Eri only because it was the most rational decision. His quirk would be good for quelling hers had it ever gotten out of hand. But it also seemed to quell his musings of something more with you. He had imagined you being a good parental figure for the little girl and it made his heart flutter and his stomach explode with butterflies. But now seeing that that wasn’t what you wanted and how you weren’t ready for it, it stung. But in the end, he loved you. He’d easily give his life for you. So, if that meant waiting he’d wait. He’d wait a million years if he had to. He could do it.

Once again he spoke,

“Take your time then. I can wait.”

Tagslist?: @captainchrisstan (I think you said you wanted to be tagged but I’m also just small brained lol If u didn’t want to and I misinterpreted things just let me know :) )

[senorarelojes]

Ficlet: Violator (1/1)

Summary: This prompt from @songsofgayanddevotion and @raphinas: "basically, dave goes to have a prostate exam and alans the doctor and basically dave comes over the table while alan is checking him LMAOOOOO" Rating: Mature

.

When Dave opened the door, he thought he’d gotten the wrong office at first. “Oh, sorry,” he said hesitantly, hovering in the doorway. At Dr. Miller’s desk was an immensely good-looking young man who was scanning a clipboard, his eyebrows raised inquiringly at Dave. “Erm, I think I’ve got the wrong office--” Dave began.

“Are you David Gahan?” the man said pleasantly before rising to his feet. He was a little taller than Dave, six feet of trim muscle in neatly pressed grey trousers and a black Oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It was a world away from the casual polo tees and slacks that Dr. Miller favoured. “You’re here for the prostate check?”

Dave only belatedly realised his mouth was hanging open when the bloke’s eyebrows inched higher, waiting for Dave’s response. “Um, yeah, yeah that’s right,” he said hurriedly, stepping into the office and closing the door behind him. “Sorry, I was expecting Dr. Dan Miller--”

“He’s down with a very bad flu,” the bloke said, before offering his hand. He had the longest, most elegant fingers Dave had ever seen, and Dave forced himself not to think about where those fingers would be later. “I’m Dr. Alan Wilder, I’m the locum taking over his patients for today.”

“Oh. Um. Cool.” Dave shook his hand a little awkwardly, trying not to notice the nice firm grip of Dr. Wilder’s handshake. “I’m Dave Gahan.”

Dr. Wilder’s mouth curled up a little in amusement. It somehow made him even more attractive; Dave was fucking doomed. “Yes, I know,” Dr. Wilder said, tilting the clipboard at Dave. “Do have a seat, Mr. Gahan.”

“Dave!” he blurted out, before realising that Dr. Wilder was staring at him. “I mean, Dave is fine. No need for Mr. Gahan.”

“Sure.” Dr. Wilder just smiled at him, and Dave decided this must be divine punishment for all the grief he’d put his mother through as a wayward teenager. “So I read through your files, and I understand you told Dr. Miller that you had concerns about prostate cancer.”

Dave nodded, feeling a bit more settled back on familiar territory. “Yeah, my uncle was diagnosed with it last month. And I don’t know the medical history of my dad - my bio dad - so I thought I should get it checked on.”

Dr. Wilder simply nodded without judgement. “You’re in your 30s now, so you’re not in the typical at-risk group for prostate cancer. Still, whenever family history is involved, it is understandable if you have concerns.”

Dave let out a long breath, relieved that Dr. Wilder seemed to be taking him seriously for now. Besides, Dr. Wilder had a very calm, relaxing manner about him that felt infectious, something about his voice that was pleasant and soothing. Dave would pay money to hear this bloke read audiobooks.

Then again, Dave would also pay to hear and see the very handsome Dr. Wilder do a whole manner of other things.

“So what’s going to happen now are two things,” Dr. Wilder explained. “First, we will conduct a Digital Rectal Exam, which would be a physical examination by a trained physician to see if you have an enlarged prostate. Then we will also do a blood test to check your prostate-specific antigen levels.”

“Right.” Dave desperately tried to ignore the heat suffusing his face. He wasn’t going to blush in front of a medical professional because of a fucking prostate exam. “Yup, I get that.”

Here, Dr. Wilder hesitated. “It’s important that you feel comfortable with the doctor conducting the digital rectal exam,” he said quietly. “If you would rather have Dr. Miller do the test with you, we can reschedule--”

“No I want you,” Dave said a little too quickly. His face felt like it was on fire as Dr. Wilder’s smile curled up in amusement again. “I mean-- fuck, sorry. I meant I don’t mind you doing it.”

“If you’re sure.” Dr. Wilder was already pulling the drawer open and taking out a box of latex gloves, so hell yes, Dave was fucking sure.

Dave tried not to look too eager as he unbuttoned his jeans and shed them, going to where Dr. Wilder was telling him to stand. “Could you take off your briefs, then bend over the examination bed?” Dr. Wilder politely asked him, and Dave had to bite his tongue so he wouldn’t respond that he would do anything Dr. Wilder asked him to that involved beds and getting naked. Slipping off his briefs and folding them on top of his jeans in a neat pile, Dave shivered a little at the cold air hitting his exposed bottom.

Getting into position as he leaned against the bed, Dave heard the snap of Dr. Wilder’s gloves, along with his footsteps coming closer. “Relax,” Dr. Wilder said, a cool hand resting on Dave’s bum. “I’m a doctor.”

Dave could only nod in response, not trusting himself to speak. Already he could smell Dr. Wilder’s clean scent, a mix of aftershave and a faint whiff of tobacco. Dave closed his eyes, thinking about Dr. Wilder’s hands on his body, touching the most intimate of places that only his ex-wives had breached. He could also feel the heat emanating off Dr. Wilder’s body behind him, and Dave couldn’t help thinking about what the man would feel like in bed, spooning behind Dave and fucking him from behind, that sly refined mouth pressing kisses to Dave’s neck.

To Dave’s horror, his dick started taking a very keen interest in Dr. Wilder’s nearness as well as the lurid fantasies running through Dave’s head. “It’s fine,” Dr. Wilder reassured him, his voice dropping to that low and relaxing tone again. “Don’t worry about it, it happens to patients sometimes.”

Dave was thankful that Dr. Wilder was both acknowledging his erection while not being weird about it or put off. “I don’t, I’m sorry--”

“Relax, Dave.” The silky way Dr. Wilder said his name made Dave jerk a little, his cock starting to leak over the sterile paper sheets on the examination bed.

Now Dave could hear the squirting of lube from a pump bottle, then Dr. Wilder slicking his fingers. “Spread your legs a little wider,” Dr. Wilder said, and maybe it was Dave’s imagination but the doctor’s voice sounded a little rougher than normal. “Mmm yes, that’s good. Open up for me.”

Dave bit back a moan as he felt Dr. Wilder’s finger slipping inside him, slowly at first so as to help him get used to the intrusion. “Okay?” Dr. Wilder asked, his voice so gentle that Dave fought the temptation to turn around and kiss the living daylights out of him.

“Yeah.” Dave kept his breaths slow and easy, biting down on his forearm as Dr. Wilder slid in a second finger, in and out of Dave in an easy glide. “Keep-keep going.”

Dr. Wilder didn’t say anything, but he pressed a comforting hand on the small of Dave’s back while his fingers inside Dave were searching around for his prostate. This time Dave couldn’t hold back the moan when Dr. Wilder finally found it, pressing on it gently and making Dave leak embarrassing amounts of pre-come all over the covered bed.

“All right?” Dr. Wilder was definitely breathing faster now, even though his voice was still even, but Dave was too busy rolling his hips back, greedily demanding for more pressure from those talented fingers, too far gone with pleasure to care about propriety and inappropriate doctor-patient boundaries and getting sued by the hospital. All he cared about was the insanely hot man behind him with his fingers sending Dave through waves and waves of toe-curling pleasure, on the brink of one of the most intense orgasms he would ever experience.

“Dave--” Dr. Wilder sounded so breathless and stunned that when his fingers crooked against Dave’s prostate again, Dave came and came with a resounding yell, spurting all over the bed and his own bare feet, his legs shaking so hard that they almost couldn’t hold him up. Dave was gasping for air, trying to recover from the brain-melting orgasm as his head thunked down on the bed.

Oh fuck, Dave thought, remembering that Dr. Wilder definitely did not sign up to finger fuck one of his patients into oblivion. Shakily standing upright, Dave turned around with a litany of apologies at the ready. “Fucking hell, I’m so sorry--”

Dr. Wilder was staring at him, his cheeks pink with pleasure and his eyes brighter than stars. His gaze dropped down to Dave’s mouth, and Dave suddenly realised - with a white-hot pleasure - that he had nothing to be embarrassed about because the doctor was licking his lips while staring at Dave’s dripping cock.

“I, uhh--” Dr. Wilder quickly took off his gloves before handing Dave a box of tissues. “I will give you a while to clean up, Mr. Gahan. Someone else will be along shortly to help you. Sorry about that.”

“What do you-- wait!” Dave called out as Dr. Wilder left the examination room, but it was too late.

***

After Dave had finished cleaning up and putting on his jeans again, a nurse came in and apologetically told him that Dr. Wilder had been called to assist with an emergency, so Dr. Miller would follow up with Dave next week about his test results. “Emergency my arse,” Dave grumbled under his breath as the nurse led him out. Outside, Dr Wilder was nowhere to be seen.

Then Dave had an idea.

He only had to wait outside the hospital for about 15 minutes before he spotted Dr. Wilder heading to the designated smoking area, looking a bit shaken as he dug around for his cigarettes. When Dave walked up to him, Wilder avoided his eyes. “If you have any complaints, you can lodge them with the hospital,” he said in a tired voice.

Dave gaped at him. “Wh- wait, why would I want to lodge a complaint?” he said in amazement. “I came to fuckin’ apologise to you, mate.”

“Oh.” Dr. Wilder took a deep drag of his cigarette, a bit confused. “So you’re not mad I took advantage of you?”

Dave stepped a little closer, taking Dr. Wilder’s cigarette from him for his own drag. “As long as you’re not mad I came all over your table.”

They smoked in silence for a while, at least until one of the nurses popped her head out of the back door and called Dr. Wilder’s name, saying his next patient was here. Dr. Wilder stubbed out the cigarette, looking carefully at Dave.

“They warned us about this in pre-med, you know,” Dr. Wilder said with a little smile. “Being attracted to one of your patients. Never happened to me until today.”

Dave’s grin at him was so wide that it was hurting his cheeks a little. “Well, when Dan Miller comes back, I won’t be your patient anymore, will I?”

Dr. Wilder’s smile widened in response. “No, I suppose not.”

“Then it’s a date.” Dave grabbed his arm, taking the pen from his pocket and writing his number on Dr. Wilder’s arm. “So you don’t have to nick my mobile from my personal data.”

“Because that would be wrong.” Dr. Wilder smirked at him before heading back inside, leaving Dave laughing at the smoking area.

[cestcirque]

HI OKAY SO I TOO ALSO WANT TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS AND THEORIES SO FAR SINCE WE ARE NEARING THE END OF THE CARDINAL SET AHHHHHHHHHHH 😦 (we’re in for a long message people 😳)

okay so ever since i saw you say these to other readers who have shared their theories and pointed out clues (continue underneath the three photos LOL):

i definitely thought at first that it’s a story of each yn ending up with each of the main setter (tl yn with semi, extrema yn with atsumu, screentone yn with akaashi) but now i feel that’s possibly not the case right? 😶

as of rn, i’m thinking that possibly atsumu ends up with screentone yn, semi ends up with extrema yn, and akaashi ends up with tl yn 🤔 BUT IDKKKKKKK AJXMSKXKSKXSI like I feel that their respective stories is really all about how both the setter and mc learn about love, relationships, what they REALLY want and need in a partner and the different stories just shows their pov of things??? they’re just constantly learning more about themselves and their potential love interest(s)

i also went back to read your psychoanalysis and clues for semi, atsumu, and akaashi that you released under aperture and seeing what kind of partner they NEED which also brought me back to this post that you released before and recently reblogged again:

i forgot to screenshot but someone else had the thought about how akaashi offers stability to tl yn since she can be volatile since akaashi does that to bokuto and the fact that tl yn has akaashi saved as le reve which translate to the dream compared to the name she has for semi which is le jouet which means the toy. tl yn has like a sexual tension relationship with semi but i know they’ve gotten closer after learning about each other’s ex. she also had “angry sex” with atsumu a few chapters ago but other than that, they don’t really interact so i don’t think they’d be interacting again any time soon. but when she’s with akaashi? idk what word to properly use but it’s like she softens up with him and kinda gives him adventure??? almost inspiring if you ask me and it seems like he offers her contentedness and companionship too

screentone yn has akaashi saved under as hopeless romantic and then i can’t remember what she has semi saved under but she has atsumu saved as like #11 right? and the fact that she sees atsumu on equal grounds and she doesn’t know too much about him other than his volleyball career kinda hits home? like that whole chapter of them talking and atsumu helping her realize what she really wants to do (career wise) was an endearing chapter and i felt that really connected them together. in your analysis, you said that atsumu needs someone who understands him because of his drive, i guess someone who will stand by him right? screentone yn is known to be hooked onto passions easily too so she can also understand atsumu on that level. when she interacts with semi, i don’t see any hope LMAOOOO like it’s not even in question other than their one night stand. when she’s with akaashi, she’s like very hesitant getting to know him personally vs talking to him about work. it seems like she wants nothing more but to keep it strictly a professional / friends only relationship 😗

finally extrema yn. i’m iffy about her the most LMAOOOOO like i’m sus especially since she’s a graduate of nohebi high 🐍🐍🐍. i can’t read her too well other than the fact i can clearly see how driven and ambitious??? she is, running too fast to care. i can also see how easy she makes it to truly be yourself around her. she easily did that with atsumu and semi. akaashi isn’t in question since they’re exes and she doesn’t want to talk to him at all LMAOOOOOO. since atsumu knows what her plans are, they work well in that sense but, i really like how she got to hear semi’s “real” voice, getting him to *mostly* be himself. after extrema chapter 16, idk how to feel about semi LMAOOOOOOOO. but it seems like she genuinely enjoys hanging out with him? compared to being with atsumu, she knows she’s doing it just for publicity because she wants to help atsumu with the relationship rule. and now she’s saying she doesn’t need anything else from atsumu? that definitely got me thinking she doesn’t actually care much about atsumu right now 😶

BUT ANYWAYS YEAH THIS MESSAGE IS HELLA LONG AND THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK LMAOOOOOOOO. I REALLY WENT OFF 🥴 I’D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY THOUGHTS RN LOLOLOL. THIS IS SO FUN AND YOUR BRAIN FR WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS 😝

HI MY LOVE 😍 since this message is already long, I’ll put my answer under a cut ⤵️

A lot of people have been looking back to Aperture’s secret clues to find some kind of structure for these relationships, but remember The Cardinal Set already has its own structure: the full, cardinal set 😅

That is, the three points of a relationship—companionship, romance, and intimacy. Perhaps it might help to review Yukie’s insight from Layer 8 👀

Yukie also mentioned that Akaashi changed after his relationship w Aperture Y/N failed... perhaps the type of partner he needs would have changed too?

Anyway. All 6 of our main characters are lacking certain points of the cardinal set... but which ones?

And as for your feelings on Semi and Extrema Y/N, they certainly are the “least trustworthy” of the setters and Y/Ns, no? But do we remember what Aperture Y/N told Semi about trust??? It was mentioned again briefly in Trompe-l’œil. (This is really what I’ve been trying to nudge with my author’s notes about tRUSTING SEMI, I’m not trying to make you guys doubt him 🤣)

[tfw-no-tennis]

animorphssss.....2!

ok one L abt reading the series on my ereader is that the flipbook illustrations arent there ;_; those were my favvvvv

anyways I love animorphs still

I feel like I'll end up repeating myself a lot during these little liveblogs lmao but mannnn it’s so good. its so hardcore. like I know that that’s the whole Thing but I still get shocked by some of the stuff that happens 

like a big theme in the series centers around the morality of killing your enemies - and it’s so all over the place bc in book 6 you have jake boiling a bunch of yeerks alive, which is kinda gnarly if you think abt it, but the alternative would be to leave them there and let them infest people soo...? and that’s basically the point, that there are never any easy choices in war 

also I went on the animorphs wiki to look at trivia bc I love doing that and I cant BELIEVE (some of) the books were reissued in 2011 and they changed/removed some of the references to be more ‘modern’ omfg....talk about erasing 90s culture smh 

likeeee I was born in 97 so I didn't exactly grow up in the 90s and therefore some of the references go over my head but its so charming and fun to have them there! and it makes sense given that the books are SET in the 90s

I don't remember ever being confused by any of the references as a kid (tho for sure a lot of them went over my head), but then again I read the books in like 2008 sooo

also some of the stuff that they change - like changing ‘recorded w/a vcr’ to ‘recorded w/the TV’ or ‘floppy disc’ to ‘flash drive’ may make more sense to modern audiences, but doesn't make sense in the context of the story still being set in the 90s

tho it is funny that the books use the phrase ‘hook up’ to mean ‘meet up’ a lot bc that is a phrase that definitely has a different meaning nowadays

alsooooo as it turns out I'm p sure I only read a couple of the spinoffs - the hork-bajir chronicles and the ellimist chronicles (which was confusing lmao), bc my library didn’t have the others :( 2007/2008 woes....

but now I get to read the spinoffs woooooooo so I read the first megamorphs and the andalite chronicles 

I'm reading them in the chronological order (I think?) which is good bc part of the problem was that I read the ellimist book at a completely weird time and it confused me more lmao

megamorphs 1 basically felt like a regular animorphs book except longer, but the plot didn't feel like it needed all that extra page space tbh? even so it was an entertaining adventure

and rachel having amnesia was great, amnesia is one of my fav tropes lmao. and it was a lot of fun here, though a bit underutilized 

another favorite trope of mine is time travel, so I'm gonna have a really fun time here w/that

as for the andalite chronicles, I really enjoyed that one. I thought it was a well done story about the horrors of war (which is a theme animorphs does excellently), kind of similar to the overarching story of the whole series, but fit into one book without feeling rushed

the way the story starts out with elfangor wanting to be a hero, not understanding what that entails, to the end where he IS going to be a hero, and he knows now that this is a burden rather than a reward 

the horror elements are also really strong, with the taxxon morph being horrifying of course

and mannnn I loved that we got to see more of the taxxons as a species, and see that not all taxxons submitted to the yeerks - which breaks the previous theme of ‘all the taxxons are evil just because’ 

this book also establishes that the taxxons gave themselves over to the yeerks due to their constant hunger being unbearable, so it isn’t just that they’re evil for fun 

animorphs does such an excellent job showing that each ‘side’ of a war will have good and bad (or at least sympathetic and unsympathetic) people 

also loren was awesome, what a cool character. though I didn't realize she was literally like 13 until the very end of the book, holy shit. that's crazy. i thought she was 16 at the youngest....geez. her throwing a rock at visser 3 is even more iconic knowing she's a middle schooler at the time

and chapman was here! I'm assuming this must be the same chapman as the assistant principal controller... I thought it was a little strange to put chapman in that role, bc in this book he was a huge asshole basically the entire time, but in the previous (’future’) book it was revealed that he became a controller willingly only to spare his daughter, which is pretty far from this book where he’s actively trying to sell humanity out to the yeerks...people change I guess? (also he got his memory erased so I guess there's that)

alloran was a really interesting character. horrors of war again - we hear from his old buddy that he used to be a fun, witty guy, but war changed him into somebody who would do horrible things 

and him becoming a controller was horrifying, obviously, but I like that alloran wasn't portrayed as some perfect, holy guy in order to make it all the more tragic when he got infested. its already fucked up enough as it is, and making him flawed was a lot more meaningful 

and him wanting to flush all the yeerks out into space....oooooof the (later) parallels hurt 

plus the fact that elfangor refusing to commit genocide against the helpless yeerks (even though they’re the enemy) directly contributing to alloran becoming a controller.....oof. I love that it shows that even making the morally correct decisions during war can lead to awful things happening, but not in a way that endorses evil actions - the story isn’t saying that elfangor should have killed the yeerks, it’s saying that there are no good choices in war 

arbron being trapped as a taxxon was fucked up. but also really intriguing, especially how he found purpose and led a free taxxon uprising. I don't remember if we hear from him/the free taxxons again but I hope so

also the plot twist of tobias being elfangors SON...bruh. I do remember that despite not having read this book so it must come up in the main story later but my memory of that is vauge so I’m excited to see how that plays out. it’s always gonna be hilarious to me that ax is technically tobias’s uncle 

and then the ellimist drops in and wacks up the time stream even more. classic. I love the crazy time travel stuff in animorphs

omfg and the bits where elfangor is a human tech guy and talked about his friends bill and steve LMAOOOOO

also the scene where elfangor drives the yellow mustang while blasting '(I cant get no) satisfaction’ by the rolling stones was one of the most iconic things I've ever read

basically I loved all the angles of war fucking people up. from loren’s dad, to alloran, to elfangor himself learning about the true horrors of war...v well done imo

ok back to the main series - so my pick for the most fucked up scene SO FAR (in my own personal opinion) - the scene where they're in the jungle and rachel passes out in bear morph and a bunch of rainforest ants start EATING HER ALIVE and like crawling into her ears and mouth and HGGGGGG that was genuinely so fucking disturbing

its a good thing that the time travel made it so rachel couldn't remember that bc that was fuuuuucked

another contender is a scene we don't actually see - erek having his capacity for violence instated and then slaughtering a ton of human and hork-bajir controllers 

like damn, you know its fucked up when its too fucked up for ANIMORPHS to even ‘show.’ this is a series that doesn't pull punches but evidentially that would've been Too Much to actually portray (understandably). also i feel like seeing the aftermath/everyone’s reactions had more of an impact than describing erek killing a bunch of people would have

also I forgot that marco Literally Fucking Dies during that scene and that's why he doesn't get to see the slaughter. wow

and then in the very next book JAKE dies too. jesus

oh it was also so sad and fucked up when marco’s dad told him that he and his wife used to fight sometimes, but then all of a sudden they stopped fighting, and their relationship was basically entirely peaceful and perfect - and this is how marco knows exactly when his mom was made into a controller, bc of course a yeerk wouldn't care enough to get into petty arguments like that....ooooof

Okay and book 15 really got me...that was fucking heavy man. Geeeez. Everything w/Marco and his mom is so fucked uppppp

Like he literally has to deal with so much awful traumatizing shit. The scene where he pretends to be a controller and is face to face w/visser one and THAT HIS MOM but he can’t even do anything, and he just sees the evil in her eyes and thinks about how there’s no way she had been controlled by a yeerk that long before bc he’s never seen her look like that...that was so fucking sad.

Plus Marcos mom now thinking that Marco is a controller...aughh...and then later Marco knows he can’t even think-speak to her bc he’ll just talk about everything he’s wanted to talk about to his mom this whole time... ;_;

And the parts where Marcos humor slips and the utter rage he feels towards the situation comes through...man

Plus everything about him being understandably afraid of sharks after being nearly torn in half by one back during their first dolphin adventure

Augh oh and jake telling Marco that everyone can tell something is up bc Marco isn’t joking around and talking about how insane their plan is like usual, so Marco fakes it sand does all that even tho he’s terrified and conflicted...aughhhh

Ok and the last scene where Marco is thinking about a future where he and his parents can talk plainly about how awful and traumatizing everything is, and then eventually they’ll feel okay enough to joke about it, bc Marcos mom is the one who taught him to look at the funny side of life...Oh The Pain

There were a lot of great fucked up individual lines in this book too. I’m just so sad about these poor middle schoolers jfc

Also I do distinctly remember the scene where they collapse the shark tank at Ocean World or w/e, it was weird af reading it bc I remembered none of the rest of the book but got weird deja vu reading that scene and remembering having read it like 13+ years ago

if it’s not clear by now I have a pretty terrible memory for media which is honestly good bc then I can reread things and it��s like new

Also jake...man...I said it previously but I was kinda eh about jake when I first read these bc he’s kinda the ‘basic’ character, but now I find his story much more interesting

His conflict over being leader is really good. KAA does a fantastic job capturing the pressure he’s under bc he was chosen by his friends to be the leader, so he REALLY can’t back out, and he doesn’t necessarily feel up to it, but feels he has no choice in the matter...

And constantly having to make really difficult decisions that could get his friends killed...geez. It’s so much pressure. And he talks about wanting to go back to being a normal kid when this is all over, and it kinda strikes me as him being in denial - like, there’s no way things can ever be ‘normal’ again, but that’s his way of coping.

Especially with Tom and all that. That conflict is so compelling...jake having to play all these different roles - as leader, as a son/student, as a regular brother to Tom - he’s constantly having to act a certain way and rarely gets to be Himself

It’s actually kinda relatable in a way - that feeling of being In Charge, but in a somewhat abstract and informal way, so you feel like regular old you, but you have to carefully regulate how you act bc the people around you expect a certain standard of behavior from you...

And all the morally grey situations they’re put in are fucked up, but especially for jake who has the final say on what they do, even when knowing it could lead to his friends being killed or made into controllers

Like in the book with the cannibal yeerk guy - there’s basically no good choices there. Jake lets the cannibal live, and (at first) implies that it’s for the best that he’s cannibalizing other yeerks and therefore helping get rid of some yeerks - except that he kills their hosts too

but the alternative would be to directly kill another human being who isn't actively fighting/resisting you, which is a fucked up thing for a middle schooler to have to do 

And the conflict between jake and Cassie is really excellent bc jake has to make these awful decisions, and Cassie is the type of person who can’t stand that sort of thing, so it gets left up to jake a lot, but then she’s upset with jake for doing something awful, even while knowing that there were no better options

like, her asking jake to kill the cannibal guy for her was really fucked up, but also entirely understandable for cassie as a character to ask. it was an emotionally charged situation, and cassie is an emotional person. she’s also somebody who like to Act, to do concrete good, and getting rid of an Evil Bad Guy in front of her would be a definite action

But Cassie is a great source of morality to the group - most of them are pretty jaded, but Cassie is able to hope in a way none of the rest are. It creates a really compelling dynamic between jake and Cassie that I kinda dismissed when I was like 10 or w/e

Also the scene where jake as a fly gets crushed and starts dying? Seriously fucked. And then after when he’s nearly breaking down in the airport and Cassie comforts him...that was a really good scene. Cassie is so good  

And the continuity is so excellent - I love how in book 17, Cassie (and jake to an extent) doesn’t really weigh in on the moral debate abt the oatmeal bc she’s still shaken up by asking jake to murder a guy for her, and then (presumably) going ahead and lighting his house on fire when jake doesn’t kill him

And augh jake and Marco have such a good and interesting dynamic - the entire group kinda pushes each other into their respective ‘roles’ in the group, but for a few books that’s really true for jake and marco

I don't remember what book it was but at some point marco (I think) mentions that jake understands what marco is dealing with w/his mom being a controller bc of tom, but that they don’t talk about it bc they ‘don't talk about stuff like that’ or something and I'm just like noooo talk to each other :( 

but at this point jake feels like he can’t really express doubt and fear and stuff like that bc he’s the Leader and they look to him to be strong (which is ironically very similar to how rachel feels), and marco feels like he can’t be serious bc he’s the funny guy. 

Basically I love all the different dynamics in the group. How Cassie and Rachel are such opposites but are best friends and get along well, while Marco and Cassie are more directly opposed - as jake says, Marco is ruthless, and Cassie definitely isn’t. Rachel and Marco are also pretty different which is interesting, bc they have a lot in common, and actually agree on a lot (even if they disagree out loud) but their commonalities combined with their circumstances make them react very differently to the same situations

I also love seeing the differences between characters from each other’s POV - like, p much all the characters think that Rachel is completely fearless, but when the book is from her POV, we get to see that that isn’t true at all - she feels plenty of fear, but she recognizes that her role in the group is to be the fearless one, so she pushes aside her fear to fit into that role (which inadvertently pushes her more and more into that ‘fearless warrior’ box - something that happens to all the characters more and more as the story goes on, like jake as ‘the leader’ and Marco as ‘the jokester’).

Also I loooove the grey morality of literally everything. Like the book where ax discovers an andalite traitor - not a controller, just an andalite who betrayed them to the yeerks. This leads to the deaths of like a hundred other andalites, and that whole scene you really just feel for ax, bc he feels so awful about everyone else dying while he escapes, yet he’s also so grateful to be alive, which he in turn feels bad about...

And ax’s conflict about being torn between his home w/his fellow andalites and his new home on earth w/his friends is great

And oh man I fucking love book 19. Any of the books where it goes more into the yeerks and their side of things are so good, just like the book where jake was made into a controller.

And book 19, where we meet a sympathetic yeerk, comes right after 18, where we meet an andalite traitor - again, I love how we clearly see that no one side is completely good or completely bad

So yeah book 19 fucking slapped. That shit was so compelling. I love how Cassie made a bunch of foolish decisions based on naïve hope, but it worked out!! Things aren’t always bleak and awful!

Except there were plenty bleak and awful parts of this book. It had a great balance of moods tbh, even though a lot of the situations were extremely contrived lmao. I love the stuff that aftran says, which is basically what I was thinking when I started my reread - being a yeerk fucking sucks, you’re literally a blind slug but also completely and fully sentient, on the same level as humans and andalites - and as afran pointed out this book, the yeerks are born as parasites, just as humans are born as predators - why is it okay for the humans to kill countless animals to eat, but not for the yeerks to enslave races to act as hosts? Well, the situation isn’t totally comparable, which Cassie and Marco both point out when aftran makes that comparison - the yeerks are enslaving sentient species, and cows and chickens are not the same as the humans and hork-bajir (though the story understandably doesn’t fall too deeply into the ‘who deserves what right/animal sentience’ rabbit hole).

And I like that aftran points out that the yeerks basically have 2 options currently - stay helpless and blind in a yeerk pool, or enslave a host. It’s interesting to hear that a lot of yeerks don’t like doing this but see it as the only options, as opposed to complete sensory deprivation. It makes me wonder if there are yeerks who are so staunchly against it that they elect to stay as pool-bound slugs forever

Also maybe it’s the shounen anime fan in me but I don’t even care that much that Cassie’s entire plan was completely off the rails and hinged on only the slightest chance of success - with failure being much more likely and completely catastrophic, with the animorphs and their loved ones all being wiped out, vs success being unlikely and also achieving...a moral victory? Peace between two enemy combatants in a huge war? nothing all that concrete...anyways it was a bunch of good-faith horrible decisions on Cassie’s part, but I don’t even care? I love stories where hope and love save the day against all odds, especially when they’re wielded like weapons by a character and make everything end nicely

This is especially true here bc animorphs is generally a series that leans very far away from that type of thing, so when it does happen, it feels like a victory. Plus the David trilogy is next so we kinda need a happy ending while we can

also bc I compared animorphs to hxh last time, I now have to compare it to the other series I've (partially) liveblogged, transformers mtmte.

this is gonna be more abstract and brief but basically. mtmte is all about after the war, and everyone has so much trauma and everything just sucks, so they all go on a space cruise and work on themselves. basically.

but the series does a lot of exploration of how war fucks people up - same as animorphs, tho animorphs spans the beginning of the war (for the main characters at least) until the end, whereas mtmte starts when the war ends.

but the point is. both series do an excellent job showcasing the wide range of reactions people have to being put in unthinkable situations during wartime. all the major characters in mtmte go through arcs where they heal/change from the war, some more subtle than others

basically the animorphs needs to go on a wacky space cruise adventure with a bunch of other fucked up people and figure their shit out, mtmte style

ok this is wicked long already so I’m gonna end it here. also I feel like I should start the next liveblog w/the david triology bc I’m for sure gonna have a lot to say abt that

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3

[4brrrr]

Real

They were trainees then, young but not naive. They were well-aware of the challenges life would constantly throw at them once they cross the wide one-way bridge that connects the life of a normal adult to the life of an entertainer. There's no turning back, they knew. Even so, they were determined to take the risk and stepped forward.

 The bridge shook. It was not an easy journey for the both of them.

 Byulyi was asked to choose between losing weight or giving up on her dreams. Yongsun, on the other hand had to audition for multiple companies.

 Eventually, as they continued to cross the unstable path to their desired goal, they met each other. They walked, hand-in-hand, as their other hands gripped on the railings on their opposite sides, making their journey a bit more stable now that they have each other.

 -

 They debuted, surprisingly, in the same group along with a cute dimpled girl and a fierce-looking baby.

 Mamamoo–that's what they're called.

 They were a group destined to lead the younger generations to a more open space. They were a group that screamed for equality, inspiring people from different age groups.

 Byulyi and Yongsun, they were closer than ever. They grew to be the support of one another. They silently vowed to protect or at least be there for the other as much as they could, knowing that things are going to be a bit harder than before.

 -

 It all started from the warm gazes the two unconciously send to each other. It was noticeable to anyone around them making it a normal occurrence that someone asks them if they were dating, which, of course, they answered no.

 They weren't. They were best friends.

(Yongsun watched in adoration as the younger girl twirled around the practice room, playfully dancing along with the maknaes. Her hair flowed at every movement of her body as she moved along the beat, making up the silliest dances but, somehow, still managing to look as graceful as ever.

 Her gaze fell on her smile, travelling to her cheek dimples. She admired how her nose scrunches when she laughed too much. She had been there when she cried about it, engulfing her in a warm embrace as the younger's sobs were muffled on her shoulder. She didn't understand how someone would even have the heart to tell her not to smile too much because "it looked ugly". No, it was adorable.

 Her thoughts were rudely interrupted when Byulyi called for her.

 "Yeba, stop standing in a corner and get your ass over here!"

 She feigned a scoff, bringing her hand to her face to hide her reddened cheeks as she made her way towards the group.)

 Apart from the weird feelings that seemed to grow as they spent more time in the presence of one another, they knew they were nothing but close friends.

 -

 Years later, they've become a bit more aware of their feelings, noticing the smallest things the other is able to make them feel. Byulyi noticed the way her heart seemed to skip a beat whenever her hand brushes with Yongsun's as they walk through the street leading to their company building. Yongsun noticed the way every weird quirks of the younger girl seemed to make her smile.

 They noticed the way they longed for each other's presence more than they should whenever they had to spend the day apart.

 With their years of friendship, they were comfortable enough to not bother covering up what they felt for each other, fully knowing that their feelings were reciprocated. Byulyi openly showed Yongsun affection, which the older didn't mind. They would also come over to each other's house (which, at the end of the day, always end up with one of them sleeping over) off-days.

 It's one of those days wherein the rapper decided to come over to Yongsun's apartment telling the older she was bored as an excuse for her want to, once again, admire her in her casual home attire. It felt a bit more natural… and domestic, she thought.

 Funny, though, how Yongsun was the one captivated by the younger girl's seemingly perfect features.

 (They were sitting across each other, Byulyi's eyes on the kimchi fried rice Yongsun has made for her just earlier on as she ranted about random stuff the older was barely even paying attention to. She was too distracted by the way the younger's brows seemed to furrow as she talked about her worries about her pet corgi getting a little bit fatter.

 "It's unhealthy." She heard her grumble, a small pout beginning to form on her lips.

 The more she stared the more she wanted to blurt out the words she's been meaning to say all these time. And she did.

 "Let's date."

 "Daeba-Huh?"

 "You and me. Let's date.")

 -

 Byulyi remembered secluding herself from her family and friends, locking herself up in her room for weeks. She never went out unless she needed to restock her cup noodles and beer she had been living off to since the day after her nasty break up.

 It was until her youngest sister, then 5 years old, grabbed her hand when she was about to enter the dimmed space, pulling her into a tight hug and burying her face into Byulyi's stomach. She sobbed, croaking out the words "Unnie, I miss you. Do you hate me? Why won't you play with me anymore?"

 She realized, she needed to pull herself together. She needed to move on.

 So when those two words left Yongsun's mouth, she didn't know what to do. She was elated, yet hesitant. In the end, she decided, maybe taking a risk for the second time isn't that bad.

 -

 Byulyi and Yongsun have been dating for a year now and the younger woman was more than happy. She never once regretted the decision she had made.

 (They were currently sitting on a nearby bench, taking a short break from their so-called "friendly" date as they ate their ice cream in comfortable silence.

 Byulyi's fingers gently slipped through Yongsun's, giving her hand a light squeeze as if to say "I love you" which the older responded to by rubbing circles at the back of her palm. Byulyi stared at their joined hands, smiling contently as she went back to eating her ice cream.)

 Friends. It was what they have agreed on dubbing themselves in order to avoid the unwanted attention of the public. It was going well until now.

 -

 Byulyi was back in her dimmed bedroom, heart pounding hard against her ribcage as she scrolled through all the negative comments aimed at her and her lover.

 "Disgusting lesbians! Get the fuck out of our country."

 "Bet you a thousand they're doing this for attention."

 "This is why I never stanned Mamamoo ughhh ew"

 "LMAOOOOO another problematic shit done by the so-called 'queens'"

 It was a huge slip-up on her side.

 (There is nothing more relaxing for Byulyi than being at her favorite place with her favorite person. Byulyi watched Yongsun's lashes flutter close as the latter took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh scent of nature. It was evening. Yongsun was standing by the railings of the bridge overlooking the Han River, with bright colored lights contributing to the romantic atmosphere. It was picture perfect.

 Yongsun opened her eyes, a wide smile painted on her lips as she stared at the beautiful view before her. It made her happy, knowing that she could spend this time with Byulyi between their hectic schedules.

 Seeing Yongsun's eyes twinkle in excitement, cheeks flushed red making them look more like a mochi, Byulyi couldn't stop herself. She gently took Yongsun's head into her hand, softly carressing her cheeks and eventually leaning in for a kiss.)

 Tears slid down her cheek at the memory. Who would've known a beautiful moment would be the cause of the downfall of both their relationship and career?

 She had always wished for their relationship to last longer. She was contented being with her, and was willing to stay through sadness and joy even though not being able to proudly show off their relationship to the public pains her. It could not be helped, being a public figure in a conservative country such as South Korea. Even so, she was willing to hide if it means being able to be together with Yongsun. Though, life does not always play by our rules. That's the reality.

 Just as the thought came across her mind, she heard a familiar ding, signaling a new message from her other half. Her hand shook as she attempted to reach for her phone. She pressed the power button, expecting for the worst case scenario. She was right.

 "Let's break up."

 Yeah. It was for the best.

Also posted on twt and aff -> @teddehber

[just-a-creep-babe]

God I’ve been in this fandom on and off for years, I thought I finally shook it off but I just keep coming back lmaooooo, I remember when there was YouTube drama in the fandom with OCs and copying it was wild af. When will we finally die off 😭

We’re unkillable 😳😳

I remember always seeing those “the crp fandom is dying, share to save them” and I always knew it wouldn’t be so easy to end us skdjdkslsk