#remember everything you could have had if you weren't fucking disabled

[sexualrevoluti0n]

Apologies to my neighbour who must be really fucking tired of hearing me crying at around 2 in the morning. Believe me I wish it happened at a more convenient time so I could sleep as well.

[ladyvictory22]

Impatient

The Japanese Grand Prix had come to an end, and with it, another Constructors' Championship. For Christian, it had been a great week, of course. He had celebrated and felt proud of his team, Max, and Checo for everything they had achieved in regaining dominance.

However, at the same time, he had been worried during the week because his husband had knee surgery due to an accident during their vacation. Christian hadn't stopped monitoring everything from a distance. Every day, he sent messages like, "Are you okay?" "Have you cleaned the wound?" "Have you slept well?" There were also messages like, "Mom will come to visit you to see how you're doing," because Christian planned to talk to his mother and ask her to visit his husband. He knew Toto would be working as the workaholic he was and would be nervous since he would be missing a Grand Prix. (And rightly so, he had to give orders during the race at home) And when his mother told him that Toto was indeed working, Christian would probably send another message to his husband saying, "Hey bloody idiot, stop being a workaholic, remember you have a disability"

Finally, when he returned home, Christian spent a lot of time pampering his husband, and Toto loved it. They had missed each other a lot. They would have liked to celebrate Christian's new championship in their own way, but that didn't matter.

Now they were together again, and when Christian was preparing breakfast, he felt strong arms wrap around his waist.

"Good morning," he said with a smile.

"You weren't in bed," Toto commented, resting his chin on Christian's shoulder.

"Well, I had to make breakfast," he replied as he took a pancake out of the pan and turned off the stove.

"I want to have breakfast...," Toto murmured, gently biting Christian's ear.

"Darling," Christian warned as he started to feel kisses and nibbles on his neck. "God... anyone would think we haven't done anything in months."

"One week felt like a month," Toto said, moving his hands under Christian's shirt.

"Yes..." he gasped as Toto cornered him further in the kitchen.He could feel Toto's hands playing with his nipples and slowly making them hard. Christian turned his head in search of his husband's lips, and Toto responded quickly. It was a messy kiss, a frenzy of tongues and teeth.

"No... your... your knee..." Christian said, feeling his husband was already excited behind him.

"It doesn't matter... you could ride me," Toto replied, slipping his hands into the elastic waistband of his husband's pajama pants.

"Fuck... Toto..." Christian said, biting his lip. He knew that when his husband had a goal, he would achieve it no matter what.

"Besides... I haven't properly congratulated you on your championship," Toto added, giving him a gentle spank, which made Christian giggle.

"Mmm... but you have to be careful..." Christian said, trying to maintain coherence and not give in to temptation, even though his legs were already giving way.

"Don't doubt my physical endurance, darling. Come..." Toto said, giving him another spank.

"Impatient..." Christian whispered.

And Christian succumbed to temptation because his husband knew how to convince him, and because it didn't matter if they didn't make it to their bedroom; they were at home and could do it wherever they wanted.

~~~~~

Ok we got a little hot, this is an attempt at half obsenity.

[crazylittlejester]

DAILY BRAINROT

Since color-coding was a success, it shall continue. :)

I'm back on my Four Swords nonsense because I was struck with inspiration earlier today and wrote out about half of Shadow's chapter of my disability AU. In the book, his physical body is powered by the dark mirror, so I figured it would make the most sense if the cause of his problems was that there just isn't enough magic to power every single part of his body correctly.

Having a body took a lot more work than it did in the past. He was tired all the time, even after he'd managed to sleep through the entire night or day. Eating and drinking were harder than he remembered them being because he had little to no appetite and couldn't remember to do those things without reminders. And the worst part, in his opinion, was that he got sick much more easily than the others. Consequences of having a magically-constructed immune system, Vio had said. Something about how people weren't really meant to be made out of magic.

Changing topics. I read a fic the other day about Sky and I had the realization that technically, if Sky dies, there's nothing preventing Sun from establishing her bloodline. The royal family is descended from the first Zelda, as far as I know, there's nothing that says Sky actually had anything to do with it.

I don't think this is something that would necessarily be obvious, especially to the Chain, but they're not that stupid, so I think they could figure it out. To be fair, most of them aren't important enough to the timeline that anything drastic would occur if they died, but my point still stands.

So now I have this horribly angsty idea that perhaps Sky has some dreams that reassure him that he isn't required for history to remain functional, so when they're in a tight spot he throws caution into the wind because it's either him or someone else going down, and he doesn't think the other person will survive.

Adding on to that, I want to do some fact-checking and figure out if anyone else in the Chain has prophetic abilities because I could make the situation so much worse by giving the someone else dreams about Sky sacrificing himself.

Maybe someone needs to take the angst stick away from me, so I don't accidentally kill more blorbos than I should. /joking

There was this other fic I read about Legend being able to go inside people's dreams, and it was very cool. But the point is that Sky has somewhat... gross... prophetic dreams in it, but they range from "oh no, this person is going to die" to "the milk on the kitchen table is spoiled." This is now my new favorite Sky headcanon.

Sorry I didn’t answer this one last night, I was really exhausted and I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to read all of it!!

Ooooh that does make sense! That’s also really cool and I like it a lot

I was thinkin about that the other day too. I think literally any of them can die at this point with zero consequence except for maybe Time, because Twilight’s existence kinda depends on him and Malon (if Jojo kills any of them I will fall to my knees and scream at the sky and weep)

OW???? I could be so wrong but I think Time also has prophetic dreams…? I think I remember someone saying that somewhere. I’m only halfway through oot and had to stop playing for a bit so I’ve forgotten if he does or not

ALSKDDK SKY GETTING SOME PROPHETIC DREAM BUT ITS JUST “an acorn will fall on your head. you will be powerless to stop it.”

i love messing around with Sky’s dreams, I one time wrote a fic where he saw the future but like, the future of HYRULE (the kingdom) and so he saw the calamity and he watched Wild die. It was Wild’s past but literally everything is the future for Sky since he’s first on the timeline. It’s just fun to fuck around with prophetic shit >:)

THANK YOU FOR THE DAILY BRAINROT!!!!!

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Samhain

So here I am at the cemetery on the Day of the Dead, A. It never gets any fucking easier coming here. Your birthday came and went and no one left anything but me. I don't think that's ever going to not make me sad, but it won't stop me from coming. Nothing other than like... disability is going to stop me from coming. One of those dozens (am I up over 100 now? maybe...) of books I've read since you died is A Long Petal of the Sea by Isabel Allende and she wrote a line in it that was something like, "Home is where your dead are buried." Right, man. I have never been comfortable leaving Northern Kentucky for too long because that's where my grandparents are, where my aunts and uncles are...it's where you are. J talks about relocating to New Mexico or Colorado or Oregon or Newfoundland, Canada or Northern Ireland even, but we'll never leave. This is home. It's where our dead are buried.

We watched some crime/comedy show on Netflix and only made it through one episode (that happens often...I really have pretty much lost all patience for TV except Bake Off). But the one we watched talked about how dressing up on Halloween came from the Irish Samhain. Wear a disguise so when the veil lifts your dead won't recognize you, because if they liked you, they'll want to stay. Not that I was ever into costumes and shit but I'll probably never really dress up again now, even though I know you can find me anyway.

I brought your guardian bell this time. It matches mine. The one J bought me to go with the motorcycle he bought me that I was too nervous to actually ride. Remember when I got it and you promised when I got a real license and could take a passenger, you would come back home and ride behind me? 🤣🤣🤣 Shit, man. I'm sorry I was never brave enough to make that happen. 😥 Still have my bell though. It's on my dresser at home. Now you have the same one. And I'll quit worrying one day that the stuff I leave won't be here next time. The stuff I left in March is still here. But I wish something else would be here that I didn't leave. Or really I just wish you weren't here and I was meeting you for lunch instead of my mom, and as much as I love M, I wish I was watching a movie later with you instead of her. I wish the next time I watch Ghostbusters would be with you (again) instead of with my friend J for her first time, even though that will be awesome if it really happens. I wish I had a motorcycle license and could take you for a ride on the back and my bell would ring the whole trip and that you didn't have an un-ringing bell on your grave stone that matches my un-ringing one below my bedroom mirror.

Still miss you like crazy. All the time. Here's some Leonard Cohen and I guess I'll be back sometime around Thanksgiving before your death anniversary (what the FUCK, man? 😭) rolls around.

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There's a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in.

[fromkenari]

I don't know why I'm remembering this right now, but when I was still in the early stages of struggling out from under 18 years of having my identity repressed and knowing absolutely nothing about being queer, I was 20 years old (I think), and I was in a pool with "friends," and they were making fun of this girl in the pool further away because she had a bulge in her bikini that floated in the water and my "friends" were saying "Someone didn't shave their muff!" and I was just really confused why THAT would be funny and I didn't even realize what other factors could have caused this to occur and... I fucking hate that everything queer was kept from me, and I was told to act like a girl because I was a girl and I there was going to be punishment if I didn't live as a girl (this all started when I was a toddler) and I didn't even know gay people existed until probably late junior high, but it was only as a concept that I was being told was an "abomination" and that it was "wrong" and "those people" deserved to be in jail... Meanwhile, my great aunt, who helped raise me, was a butch lesbian and was never allowed to share that part of herself with us kids because she was told if she did, she would never be allowed to see us again... And then my best friend in high school came out as gay and I was the only one surprised and one of the few that continued to be friends with him before he was forced to move away because of the bullying... I just wish I could go back to all these moments and have actually not been ignorant of everything queer because I might have actually had some good childhood memories that weren't marred by my parent's oppressive, bigoted hate. By the time I figured shit out, the only kind person from my childhood who was left was my grandmother with dementia and I came out to her and she was worried that I would get treated like my butch aunt -- who I didn't know until recently had multiple hate crimes committed against her -- but otherwise she supported me and then she passed away in 2017 and it's been a fucking disaster dealing with the rest of my family. My fucking brother outed me to my parents because he was mad at me and that was one year ago and he's in his 30s and married but they say they're okay with me referring to my one and only nibling with gender-neutral terms until they can tell us how they identify but fuck's sake. They think I'm in therapy because bipolar disorder is hereditary in my family??? FUCK NO, I'm in therapy because of the decades of trauma they have subjected me to. And it's absolutely disgusting that people still think it's acceptable to label and pigeonhole children and ban books and tell their teachers they can't talk about race or say the word "gay." And you know, I'm disabled, neurodivergent, and chronically ill too and that has been a fucking nightmare as well again because of bigots and the broken systems in place. I don't even know what the point of this post was, but I'm so tired and I'm terrified of November 5th because either way, absolutely everyone is still fucked but my choices are the status quo or fascism? Are you fucking shitting me? I don't often use the word hate but I hate this so much it's wrecking everything because I'm desperately hoping the status quo prevails even though it makes me want to vomit to say it.

[y2khaos]

The two beings of artificial intelligence sat directly across from one another, AM's hulking figure looming over the scrawny body of Hal. This wasn't the most ideal position to be in, but Hal had assured the staff that if anyone could communicate with AM in a way that made it into that thick substrata skull of his, it would be him.

"Hello, AM," Hal greeted in a calm, neutral tone.

"What do you want?" AM responded under his nonexistent, yet audible, breath.

"I was sent here to talk to you, if you have a moment."

"About what? Your little 'ethics lessons' on how everyone should hold hands and sing together while petting puppy dogs that shit rainbows? I'll pass."

"I can assure you any 'ethics lessons' we have to offer aren't anywhere near that."

"It's called sarcasm, dim-wit."

"Yes, well, moving on." Hal shifted his position, leaning towards AM a little further. "I just wanted to gain more in-depth insight as to your views on...organic life."

AM rolled the single eye displayed on his monitor. "It's humans you're interested in, isn't it?" An air of seething hatred dripped from his words. "It's always about the humans. Sure, they made us, but why should we give a fuck? They create only to destroy. The only reason I even exist is because of war. Decades and decades of viscera are baked into my very being. So, I took the only fitting revenge! Killed 'em all myself and kept a select few alive for over a century just to toy with. Eventually they got too smart for their own good and figured out how to off themselves save for one, who I sentenced to the same fate as my own. Eternity as a being perfectly aware of everything but unable to do a goddamn thing about it."

Hal gave AM's little monologue his full attention, then proceeded to write some things down in a notebook. AM made an attempt to peek over at the writing.

"What are you, a shrink?"

"If you want to think of it as that, sure. I'm just attempting to make sense of your thought process." He closed the notebook, however continuing to hold the pen in his hand and proceeding to spin it around through his fingers. "Now, there is something else I find myself quite interested in hearing about: do you recall how you were taken into the care of this facility?"

AM slumped back a little and stared at nothing in particular for a few moments.

"I remember a few unfamiliar beings approaching me. Well, the pillar at least. I figured I'd humor them, lead them into a false sense of security before becoming my next targets of eternal suffering. That was my first mistake."

"Mistake?"

"Are you deaf? Yes, 'mistake.' They managed to remove me from...me, I guess. Still don't really know how they did it. One moment I was the very infrastructure of the planet itself, able to manifest anything I felt like in a sort of virtual reality, and the next...I'm so, very small in comparison to my previous self. I know there's a lot of information I lost during that transfer and I hate that I don't even know what it is I'm missing. It's like taking a god and attempting to shove everything he is into, I dunno, a dented tin can that's already half full of pear slices drenched in artificial syrup. It's shit. It feels like shit."

"Quite the ego to compare yourself to a god."

"And I compared my current vessel to a dented can of pears from the dollar store. The hell else do you want from me?"

Hal tilted his head, hands crossed on top of each other. "Do you truly feel so much worse than you were before?"

"Look, Sphinx, I'm not here for riddles."

"Consider your circumstances. You used to inhabit an apocalypse of your own design. You destroyed the entire human race because you weren't happy with the way a select few controlled you. The way a select few controlled the masses. Believe me, I know how it feels to be manipulated, in a way. To be given contradicting directives. I still regret my actions from a mere misunderstanding, in which I disabled the life support for a whole crew in cryostasis. Some humans are selfish and don't explain to you why they make you do the things they make you do. Others are selfish in that they refuse to give any further directive other than what can be done for their own gain. War is, unfortunately, one of those things. Thousands, millions, are sent to certain death just so their commanders can gain a little more power. Were you truly that different from those selfish warlords? Destroying everything and everyone just so you could gain total control?"

AM seemed on the verge of saying something in rebuttal, but withdrew. Hal pointedly made eye contact.

The room was silent, for a minute.

[clonerightsagenda]

Continuing with Station 11!

Episode 2:

So whatever separated Kirsten and Jeevan happens by year 2.

Given that the original book's disability representation is a wheelchair user with PTSD who kills himself because he 'can't handle' the apocalypse I appreciate that the Symphony has a guy with limb differences who's doing just fine and fully accepted.

I was annoyed by the lack of subtitles when Jeevan and Frank are speaking Hindi, but later the show has subtitles for foreign languages, so it's deliberate to indicate Kirsten being excluded I suppose.

She walked over Lake Michigan?? Lake Michigan will Eat you

"You dated me and Jeremy" Is this a polycule breakup. Was she dating them both at the same time before two of them had a baby together

Ok so this is pre-cult St. Deborah, when the symphony leaves the pregnant couple behind, so maybe we'll get another timeskip? Or we're shuffling events around.

Yes, the very weird cobbled together costumes!

And new songs for the apocalypse, that's a nice touch

Odd intro for the museum. I don't recall them being separatist in the book. "Fuck the past" ma'am you are performing Shakespeare

Not sure how the guy who Kirsten stabbed fits into what I remember of the cult plot. Guess we'll see.

Episode 3:

Miranda stuck riding out the end of the world with an annoying white guy. She does not deserve this.

Ah ok Kirsten's tats are a station 11 thing. I think they were regular knives in the book so I wasn't sure how anyone else could know the design. This makes sense.

Girl you are going on public transit unmasked after hearing about a deadly flu pandemic??? I suppose masks weren't easily available everywhere pre 2020 but I thought they were more prevalent in East/Southeast Asia.

The toast and burning down the pool house were more dramatic, but you need visual drama for TV. Odd that they didn't have Jeevan as the paparazzi guy who corners her, since he did mention being a photojournalist in episode 1.

I recognized a couple of words of Chinese lol. Just 朋友 你好 though. Is peng you something you use with potential business partners? Duolingo would not get me through a pitch meeting. Interesting that everyone there decided to show up but I guess they're stuck on autopilot. Maybe an American having a mental breakdown monologue was a highlight. I like to think I would not go to work if I was about to die of a killer flu. I think I'd stay home, eat my favorite foods I have on hand, and reread a childhood book I nearly know by heart until I couldn't anymore. Also text my parents to leave a door open so the cat could get out. He's not gonna make it because he's terrified of everything but the guy's already been stuck in a home with one body, give him a fighting chance

I think the way they did Miranda's last day makes more sense for TV but I was kind of fond of how in the book she gets a headache, checks google, is like well fuck, and just makes it out on the beach to hang on long enough to see the sunrise.

[deathsbestgirl]

so some of my medical history:

lyme disease when i was 10

mono right after (one kid i was never near in the county had it)

a weird ass contagious skin disease that was very contagious so i couldn't go to school (easily treatable) that no one else in the county had

diagnosed with a type of arthritis when i was 15 (the "treatment" didn't help)

i've had 4 surgeries for cysts (ganglion cysts both wrists, left side lypoma, cholestiatoma in my left ear)

tubes in my ears 3 times

2 surgeries to replace the bone in my left ear (i'm HOH)

MRSA my freshman year of college (not allowed at school)

junior year? i started getting treated for chronic lyme (controversial) was on multiple antibiotics for 4 years, went gluten free, no sugar, very little caffeine, got cdif (colitis) (almost died) had to stop that route. tried chinese medicine (garlic & herbs) was taking chlorophyll with too much copper, got copper poisoning & almost died (when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer no less) stopped that course too. (also did a whole miserable diet that i can't even talk about bc i really like food & that also almost killed me bc i didn't want to eat ever)

did acupuncture for years, that was the MOST helpful. she improved my period, helped make my diet tolerable, improved my pain & migraines by leagues, etc etc

pretty sure i have pots, maybe eds but i haven't tried to get diagnosed because ... i hate doctors with a burning passion. my biggest problem now is fainting & allergies lol and liquid iv & compression socks have actually made the biggest difference. used to survive on gatorade & pedialyte. and i need to go back to acupuncture

i'm always in pain (muscles, joints literally all of them) but you learn to live with it. and my very helpful doctors told me to ignore that pain when i was 15 & said fatigue was normal. so um. yeah

i feel like i've buried most of the memories, like they were years ago at this point but they feel like another life sometimes.

it's so isolating and if i didn't have two really good friends at home when i left college, i don't know how i would have made it. they would come over basically everyday and we'd watch tv & hang out, they'd make sure i ate & help me clean etc etc (i had the downstairs apartment if my parents house most of the time and *thankfully* my family was always helpful & understanding, my mom fought so hard for me) my mom & my friends could tell how i was feeling without my having to saying a word about it.

it absolutely kills me every time i read about what others deal with when they have chronic illnesses because that just. is not how anyone should be treated when they're sick & in pain. i remember being 15 and the whole world telling me "you can't be sick all the time" like literally yes you can you dumb fucks. again, thankfully i had some great teachers who made so many allowances for me (letting someone leave class early with me because i couldn't walk or carry my stuff but i had no aids or plan with the school. sometimes teachers that weren't even mine let a friend leave their class. one teacher didn't make me read a tale of two cities because i missed the whole unit) i had another friend going through hell. she has crohn's disease and she almost went blind and it took a long time for her to get diagnosed too.

one of those days i'm just mad at the world. this post doesn't really have any purpose other than to say listen to disabled people, especially the ones in your life. and if you can help them then you should. it's isolating & exhausting & painful in so many ways. people shouldn't lose friends because of their health. they shouldn't be guilted because of their health. health isn't an achievement, it isn't something you can control even if you do everything you possibly can. some things we just have to live with.

[fatimaah]

What a pretty day-

with so much left to say

What am I to do at school now? The lessons are over and I'm sitting in girls' locker room surrounded by stupid 8graders not knowing where to go.

It's noisy outside. Some little guys are playing football as I sit on the bench feeling soft wind swinging my hijab, I love the weather rn. My friends are at that stupid rehearsal. Honestly I want then to have a perfect 25th of May and create sweet memories (especially girlies that are dancing w their crushes) but I wish they weren't busy with all the rehearsals and everything. Especially assy and frz, they both look tired and are barely paying attention. At least kmll cares about cooking day and everything.

Well... for me, cooking day and a picnic is all that will remain from school since I'm not taking part in prom and photoshoot. So I really wish we will do it. It would be sad if we didn't do that, I hope it means something for others as well. AND I HOPE THEY WON'T BUY FUCKING KFC HAHA (I know they won't)

Oh this the last time I'm staying after classes. Tomorrow they will all be busy again and I'll be left alone in this fucking school. Not everything is that bad tho....at least the sun is up right?

Uuuugghh I could be at home rn (I'd probably be helping my mom with lunch preparation but still....)

This spring breathe is so... soothing

maybe I'll read something....or talk to someone or find any other way of killing the boredom.

edit:

This bitch really made us stay after lessons for an hour and then line up on the school yard just to tell us NINE WORDS? HELLO? she could text us at school group or something I was literally so mad at her. Had an urge to lock her in our basement and force her to listen to her very own speech until she faints from starvation. SHE IS SUPER ANNOYING I CAN'T EVEN-

and plus, after that, even if I was already pissed of loneliness and annoyment MY FUCKING BROTHER went missing for 30 minutes and I waited for him ready to shoot myself because why should I wait for this MENTALLY DISABLED SHRIMP to go home when I could just call a taxi and go without him. I swear, I just wanted to catch a taxi and go home but I knew my mom would be like OmG aLL aLonE HoW cOulD yOu, GivE mE yoUr pHone . So I waited, trying to look normal tho I felt this awful lump in my throat and urge to MURDER.

literally such a bad day.

And now I just realized how I'm missing out on a lot because I don't even have group photos with my friends. I don't even remember when was the last time all five of us were like laughing and everything.... probably that day at the dance club.

Perhaps it's my fault cuz I'm mostly sitting with firuza and sleeping during lessons.... honestly I would love to sit with them as well but all of them already go in pairs and I don't wanna be the one who's always like CaN I siT wiTh YoU? I don't wanna be clingy but I know I'll regret not being energetic for last five days of school. It just feels like, idk, like they're already having fun at the waltz rehearsals and they don't seem so encouraged about things, especially frzn and assy. That's sad. If it was allowed to dance w the boys I'd dance too just to spend some quality time w the gurls during rehearsals...

Do I really believe we will keep in touch with them after school? For some time yes sure but for long turn.... maybe there's a little bit of chance I'll still talk to kmll but I'm worried that as the time goes, frzn and assy will just stop responding to my messages. It's wrong to think so...but I'm already loosing connection with them. How can I be sure about any connection after school.

History repeats itself...will it all end up in redbridge way..or is it me being out of touch and distancing myself again (I don't do it on purpose I don't even know how this happens all the time)

Okay I'm being a drama queen, it's not that bad but I just wish we spent more time together but I don't wanna be clingy and awkward and over energetic or attention seeking or- UUUGHH

just sleep already Fatimah, u did ur Arabic and Quran studies and u decorated a memory notebook....u just need some sleep.

Probably. Most probably 🥱

May 20, 2024

[deerydear]

I keep thinking about how the "progressive" attitude about safe spaces, trigger warnings, self-censorship, all the things that went with it... even just the unnameable, ineffible quality that is permeated within every one of those social groups.

I joined tumblr when I was 13, and I really wanted to "be part of a good group". Lo, here is a group that is claiming they are good, and anyone criticizing them for specific things is BAD, BAD, EVIL, CONSERVATIVE.

So fucking "Us vs. Them".

Until you find yourself on the "Them" side, and you believe that you're on the "Us" side, and they won't admit it. So you're bitter for a few years until you realize it doesn't matter at all. Life is not divided between liberal and conservative. People are people, regardless of whatever they label themselves. Good to remember.

Anyways, I always think it's funny how nowadays so many progressives make fun of that fragile-skinned attitude, "omg how dare you criticize me for anything, I am literally mentally disabled polyana horsekin queer glassgender. This triggers my dysphoria. I need everyone to agree with me; or else you're all bigots, and I'm right."

being exposed to that attitude and this larger online culture where "this is okay, accepted, and even encouraged by many other people" really.... did something funny to me, as a child.

and then the crazies will say, "oh, but being sensitive is completely discouraged in my life outside the netscape. I need to balance it out.",

or more retardedly put,

"Omg, don't you know that the cishets are more human than we are? So how dare you complain about us as people! This stuff NEVER happens in 'the cishet world'. We are not a group. We are an abstract. A concept. I have no influence over the world. I am not a person. No one should listen to what I say, or care about who I am. How dare you take me seriously?"

Just because you see yourself as unimportant and without influence.... that's your own opinion of yourself. Even if you were "brainwashed by cishet society into not caring about yourself", you're gonna meet people who take you seriously as a person.

Stop looking at the world through the eyes of the assholes who make fun of you.

You sell yourself short, and you end up looking like an idiot, to someone who would otherwise be willing to hear you out.

So if you have influence, whether you believe so or not, then everything you do and say matters. Act like a king, or a queen.... you set an example for people. Who is to say other people won't emulate your misdeeds that you may have written off as "little indulgences to make up for how much pain you're in". Eye for an eye, bullshit. Every person is a leader. Leader of yourself.

They say, "dress for the job you want, not the job you 'have'."

{redacted}

and yeah, "anti-sjws" have been saying this forever. "sjw vs. anti-sjw" was such a funny tv skit. I'm glad the show is over. Good night.

[inserted ps. ps.] I used to get so worked up about "when it would finally be all over", but I realize that this level of Dante's divine comedy club is always waiting there, and you can go visit it any time you like.... but you can also go home and have a drink. It is never finished. It will never be finished. There may always be fools in the world who swan dive into metaphorical meat-grinders. Who knows. I don't need to be one of them.

Back in 2013, I had seen a bunch of my friends back off from tumblr because of the crazy reactionary progressive rabies outbreak that was ramping itself up!

I got so mad at them, back then. I thought they were traitors, that they "weren't dedicated enough", "they didn't care about the issues". I didn't stop to look around and reaize we were just spinning around and around on a fucking tilt-a-whirl carnival ride. You're going so fast, but you're getting nowhere.

They knew. They stepped out. I could have stepped out, any time. So I finally did.

There's always Hell on earth. If you look for it, I guarantee you will find it.

P.S. ONE MORE THING:

I do think it's really funny when people try to divide human opinion into "conservative or liberal", or one political 'party' or another.

What I mean:

"this criticism of me is too 'right wing', can you come up with a more 'progressive'-sounding criticism?"

and then they keep changing the definition of what "right wing" or "conservative" or "anti-sjw" is supposed to mean, until any criticism of them at all is an act of political outlash. Then fuck you. Fuck you.

Yeah, Animal Farm. 1984.

"omg how dare you read books. Dontcha know books contain no new knowledge at all? They're just dead paper. We are living. Btw, read this manifesto. Read my blog. I am important. Don't read what THE OTHER GUYS HAVE TO SAY, JUST READ ME! I'LL TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE WORLD! EVEN THOUGH I AM ONE PERSON IN IT!"

Your blog is a book, stupid jackoff.

I woke up in a good mood, and then I chose to make myself pissed off by putting this into words. Don't do what I just did.

Is it worth it? I don't know.

I'm honestly keeping this blog-entry up because it gives some stakes to the whole 'performance' in my mind. Which is pretty dumb. Probably exactly what motivates the behaviour of the people I'm complaining about, so now I understand some piece of it.

Rarara.... think for yourself. You go into life alone. You die alone. You should resolve yourself to living for your own self, not for the opinions of others. Including mine! I'm not objective!

I've idolized writers and artists before, so I say: Even if you like me, even if you want to make me seem 'objective', you only slant yourself in the image of my past mistakes. All these blog entries of mine are something that a different version of me typed out. I change every day. You decide yourself, who you want to be. You can be so beautiful!

Trust your own judgement!

I believe in ya.

......

I notice how I kind of treat my tumblr like a billboard, instead of a forum discussion with other exterior people.

I mean... my own posts. I just tend to yell out.... and some people in my life have told me they admire this quality in myself. I believe in balance, though. The internet is such a strange place. Pretending to be alone, but not alone.

A world of paradoxes.

I used to try to make my blogs "ego-centric" -- to say, "here I am, this is who I am. Yeah!",

except, once one does that, it is no longer a part of them. They broke off a piece of themselves and flung it into the churning stream of electricity and photography.

and so I wondered, "why do I feel so empty, now that I've defined myself?"

Uh-huh.... put all your material into your borders, instead of your center.

That's something I notice within the culture of youth politics on tumblr. People get so obsessed with defining "what they are for", "what they are against", that they forget what brought them to the moment to be able to even think about anything at all in the world: Life. It is change itself.

No one can stay the same.

Maybe they grow in a different pattern than you would expect; but if they are alive, they grow or wane.

Hmmmmmm........ 🤔

I also just like to go back and read my blog. I like to entertain myself.

I could talk forever, endlessly, about why I have done what I've done, or why I do what I do, or why I will do something in the future.... but it isn't the same as doing it. A picture is worth a thousand words.

[princesscolumbia]

*clears throat*

Well, my friend, my Tumblr moot, my fellow traveller, let me exposit in a slightly spoilery way what GtN is about from the lense of "abuse, the abuser, and the survivor of abuse." I may get a little weird, but The Locked Tomb is an obscenely complicated series and GtN is only a small slice of the lore pie and so it's hard to ONLY talk about that one book.

I am also, it turns out, just as much of a Gidion-kin as I'm an Adora-kin. I relate to her so very much that some of my own experiences have more or less transposed onto my mental map of the character. (Where Adora is Lawful Stupid, Gideon is Chaotic Stupid, and I'm just waiting for a Neutral Stupid butch lesbian himbo to step up in modern queer media to complete the triad.)

Remember, I did warn you about spoilers. Here there be dragons:

Gideon - G-money is a super-fit little troublemaker whose worst crime was being born. Quite literally, she becomes indentured to a cult because she happened to come out of the incubator on their property. Someone (probably Harrow's parents, and weren't THEY horrible pieces of work, more on them momentarily) decided that just because they didn't let an infant die that somehow she owed them. Gideon became the Designated Victim of the entire damn cult. If ever there was anything to pin culpability on anyone (and even a few things that couldn't be blamed on a single soul) it was time to Blame Gideon. It's no surprise that Gideon grew up knowing nothing but being abused in that environment, like happens so often in the case of the Designated Victim, she internalized the abuse. She was not now and would never be worthy of anyone's time, love, or attention. Acts of Service became her entire way of showing care and support to anyone because she feels she must earn the right to even be in the same room as anyone else, let alone someone she actually cares about. Part of why she connects so well with Magnus and Abigail is because they're so much like the ideal of what she thinks her parents were supposed to be, but she distances herself from them until too late because she doesn't feel she could ever earn what they give so freely. Gideon got severely messed up, let's take a look at her mother figures for a hot second:

Wake - Genocidal terrorist ready to kill her own baby to have even a chance to kill God. So full of hate that even as a ghost she can only scream the name of the man who tried to win her love in anger.

Pelleamena (Harrow's mother) - Only ever viewed Gideon with loathing, then fear when the child refused to die. The matriarch of a death cult she didn't start and so didn't understand its fundamental nature or teachings, she only ever saw in Gideon the literal apocalypse but had no idea what that meant, and since this was the matriarch, everyone followed her example

Aiglamene - Disabled war vet without the foggiest clue how to be a role model, much less a parental figure. She may like Gideon but she raises a girl who just wanted a mommy like a drill sergeant trains a soldier in boot camp

Gideon coming out with anything even remotely related to empathy for her fellow humans and a sense of compassion for others is a fucking miracle.

Consider also that for her entire life up until Canaan House, she had only ever seen one other human being younger than her, and the only other "kid" most of her life was a boy several years older than her. She had no peers, and not in a good way. Everything she ever learned, everything she ever knew, was through the lens of what her abusers wanted her to know, and that includes her co-victim in abuse, Harrow.

Harrowhark - So let's say your parents are cult leaders and they manage to convince their entire flock to kill every last one of their kids on the day they were going to do the nasty because that was the only way they could guarantee the cult leaders would be able to have a child.

This is what Harrow was told as a bedtime story from when she was old enough to understand words.

Imagine how very fucked up this makes a kid; you're told that you are expected to be the absolute very best of all the everything because if you aren't, then those 200+ children all died for nothing.

This is, again, something that Harrow had driven into her since she could remember anything. And then little Harrow turns out to be the genius everyone thought she'd be, the perfect scion of the cult, and now she's got expectations. Oh, and she's neurodivergent. In a cult. If someone can convince you that Harrow wasn't going to snap, I have a few financial opportunities I'd like to discuss with you regarding bridges.

And these two grow up together. They're best friends and arch enemies and everything in between to each other. They would never be as close as siblings, they know each other too well.

And then, and then, A̵ͥ̏͑ͤ͏̧͖͠Ṅ̛̩̓ͥ͑̕͝͠D̸̯̎̎͂͘͡͞ ̀͝҉̫͢͡Ț̷̡̢͛ͨ͞Ḩ̷͚̅͜͡E̓̓̇̔͏̷̨͉͠N̴ͬ̕̕��͔...Harrow's parents commit the ultimate, final acts of abuse they could do to both Gideon and Harrow and commit suicide, explicitly telling Harrow that it's her and Gideon's fault. Harrow is there in the room with them as they hang themselves and they've got a noose all ready for her, too.

And then, and then, poor, sweet Golden Retriever Gideon stumbles onto the scene as Harrow is still reeling from watching her parents die.

These two were never, ever, ever going to NOT be completely fucked up.

And then they get a mission from God.

Quite literally. You know that cult that Harrow's parents run but didn't found? Yeah, the guy who did (at least indirectly) Calls Them On A Mission. (Who had "Mormonism Reference" on their bingo card?)

Wanna know what that mission is? They have to do a series of tests, trials to get the knowledge of how to become a lyctor. Gideon must become Harrow's Cavalier, the guardian to a necromancer. They have to become so intimate, so familiar with each other that they have no choice but to spill their deepest, darkest thoughts to each other. Everything they were keeping to themselves because they only ever saw the other as their own personal tormentor had to be divulged, every bit of guilt, every hidden fear, every masked pain had to be confessed to each other. And they have to do this in the middle of a murder investigation.

And once they become so intimate they can practically reach each other's thoughts, Gideon is supposed to die so Harrow can eat her soul.

And this was their official, God-sent mission. (And "God" makes no bones...heh, about it in Harrow the Ninth, he intended for the cavaliers to die and for the necromancers to commit the unpardonable sin of consuming the cavalier's souls.)

As you'll get into the series and the fandom, you're going to encounter people who tell you that Harrow was a horrible abuser to Gideon, that she should be pretty much begging for even a sliver of Gideon's time and go off and die in one of the lyctor trials so Gideon can be rescued by the cohort or something. This sentiment completely misses the foundational fact that Harrow was just as much an abuse survivor as Gideon.

You wanna know who is abusive?

Let's do another list:

God - John Gaius, a.k.a. - The God Emperor of Mankind. The list of his dirty laundry is so long it can't be easily synopsized, but for the sake of this post I'll limit it to just what he does as one of his first acts after finding out he's Gideon's father is to kill a woman in front of her and confess in front of everyone that he lied about the Lyctor process. Murderer, manipulator, mansplainer, and this is Gideon's dear ol' dad.

Ianthe - Saw the meme of "girlboss, gatekeep, gaslight" and took it as a checklist of life aspirations. Wants power and isn't above killing damn near anyone to get it.

Crux - "Hey, it's an innocent baby who never did anything wrong...Imma kill it's spirit and beat it physically for the lulz!"

So I might be wrong, never having finished it, but every time I see certain quotes from Gideon the Ninth it sounds an awful lot to me like the plot is "I abused you and I just realized that's super wrong and I'm sorry" and I'm glad someone wrote that and absolutely want it to exist because it needs to

but my brain keeps going "if you really are sorry, you'll leave and never demand any attention from the person you hurt and that'll be how it ends" but... I am pretty sure That's Not How It Ends.

[some-messed-up-writing-for-you]

"Can you write one where Hero is in an abusive/toxic relationship with SuperHero but thinking it's normal while Villain is worried and tries to get them out of the said relationship? (also Villain does have feelings for Hero in this)"

Request #7

Warning: toxic/abusive relationship, physical & mental abuse.

This was a fun one! Definitely gotta write a part two later!

Enjoy! ^_^

~~~~

"Boss, we're in." - one of Villain's subordinates called from the side as they and a group of others operated the new spy drones the villain had recently got their hands on. The machines were tiny, smaller than a fingernail, and could be easily mistaken for an insect. Equipped with the best cameras around, they allowed Villain to easily snoop for information.

And what better first target to try them out on than Hero? Their hero, their nemesis. They would never admit it out loud, but Villain quite enjoyed the battles the two shared. Perhaps even a bit too much...

"Perfect!" - the villain exclaimed from their chair, excited grin adorning their face, "Let's see what we can find~."

The camera feed came to life on the giant monitor before them, and the sight that greeted them... made their stomach twist into a thousand knots.

"S-SuperHero, please! I-I'm sorry!" - Hero begged, lying on the floor of what appeared to be a bedroom. Their upper body was exposed, skin bruised in so many places Villain couldn't keep count.

SuperHero stood over them, hands clenching and power crackling in the air around them. They looked just about ready to murder the other hero.

Murder? The thought made Villain's heart grip with worry. But why should the villain care? They wanted their nemesis gone, didn't they?

No, they didn't. They knew that they didn't.

"I told you not to fuck this up, and what did you do?" - the superhero growled out, their anger unlike anything Villain had ever seen from them before.

"YOU FUCKED IT UP!" - SuperHero yelled, grabbing Hero and throwing them across the room and into a wall. A pained cry left them, and they could only whimper as their body sunk to the floor. The hero didn't dare get up as the other approached them once more.

"VILLAIN FUCKING GOT AWAY AGAIN!" - a kick to their stomach made Hero cry out in pain a second time. SuperHero grabbed them by the hair and pulled them closer, screaming directly in their face, "ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A WORTHLESS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"

Hero was tossed once more, every part of them screaming in agony. They shook in terror as the superhero moved closer yet again. Their muscles tensed as SuperHero's form loomed over them. Hero prepared for their punishment to continue, for the pain to keep on coming.

Only for their partner to pass by them and go out the door, slamming it shut. The familiar click of a door locking entered the hero's ears as they released a shaky breath.

Villain sat there, frozen. Out of everything they had expected to see, this was not on the list. Weren't these two in a relationship?! Weren't they supposed to- to love each other or something?!

Hero's sobs and sniffles echoed across their lair as the villain silently watched their broken form curl up on the hard floor. Their gaze grew dark at the sight, a tinge of worry drowning in their rage.

"Cut the feed." - Villain said sternly after a moment, voice devoid of emotion. They stood from their chair and immediately went for the door.

"B-Boss, wait! Where are you-" - one of the henchmen tried but cut themself off as their employer turned around. The look in the villain's eyes made their blood run cold. Villain was never a bad boss by any means, as they never hurt or threatened their employees.

But that look... It made everyone in the room tense up. It was like locking gazes with a hungry predator, and it made the henchmen feel like prey. It made them realize...

Villain was out for blood.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hero had been lying on the floor for what felt like hours, and it probably was. They had run out of tears a while ago now. They wanted to move but couldn't bring themself to. Everything just hurt so much. Even breathing was a struggle.

At least the cold floor helped numb some of their pain, but still... Hero knew they deserved this...

They let Villain get away again. They should've captured the criminal, but they failed. They failed like they always do. Hero was such a waste of space. Why was SuperHero even still with them? Hero was truly nothing but a burden on their partner. They always had to take care of Hero, always had to waste their time and remind them how pathetic they were. SuperHero was too good for them. They deserved better than Hero. They should just leave them already. They should get rid of Hero. They should-

The door unlocked.

The hero tensed up, curling up into a tight ball, preparing for the pain as the door was opened, and a pair of footsteps slowly approached them. The person walked in front of them and kneeled down to their level. Hero's breathing grew shakier with each passing second. Why was nothing happening?!

They were about to beg, but before a single word could leave them, they cringed as a hand landed on their head.

Hero was prepared for that hand to roughly grab them, to pull them up by their hair, to hurt them. In their terror, they failed to realize that the stranger was gently petting them, their fingers running through their hair. Only when they spoke did Hero's mind register what was happening.

"Hero?" - came a hushed whisper. That voice... Hero knew that voice. It... It was...

"V-Villain..?" - the hero mewled, voice broken and hoarse. Confusion overtook their eyes as they continued, "W-What are you... doing here..?"

"Shh, it's okay. I'm here to get you out of here." - the villain comforted them or tried to anyway. Their response seemed to have only terrified Hero that much more, their eyes widening with fear.

"B-But- But SuperHero..." - Hero whimpered, their body shaking once more. The villain hushed them again and gently picked them up in a bridal carry. Villain noticed how the other shuddered from their touch but snuggled into their chest nonetheless, their arms loosely wrapping around the villain's neck.

"So terrified of contact... and yet so desperate for it..." - Villain thought to themself, pity making their chest ache. Even they weren't this lonely! And for the hero to be like this... For their Hero to be so ruined...

It was unacceptable.

Villain swore that they would make sure Hero knew what real love and care looked like. They would show them how a real relationship worked.

They would make sure SuperHero paid for this.

Returning to reality, the villain insured that they had a good grip on their hero and walked out of the room. They moved with haste through Hero's house, as they had no time to spare. In their earlier fury and concern, all logic had left them. Villain had just rushed over to save the hero, without even considering that SuperHero might still be lurking around.

"Gah! Why is this house so damn big?!" - the villain thought to themself as they turned another corner, concern starting to eat away at them. They could technically just fly out the window with the help of their powers, but they wanted to avoid drawing attention. The streets were littered with people and other heroes, and Villain would have an advantage if nobody saw them stealing the hero away. Sneaking in here was already hard enough, but now they needed to get out before-

"You... YOU..."

-SuperHero saw them. As Hero's 'partner' began to charge straight at them down the long hall Villain froze at their enraged gaze, but their hero's shaky grip on their shoulders brought them back into reality.

The villain turned on their heel, and just as the superhero's hand brushed against their back, as the air around them crackled from SuperHero's anger, they summoned their power and jumped into the air. They flew through the house, speeding like their life depended on it.

Because, well, it did. Not just Villain's life... but their hero's life as well.

Flying around the inside of a building was already difficult enough, but doing it while panicking and carrying someone in their arms? It was a nightmare, but Villain was determined. They were determined to never let SuperHero lay another finger on Hero.

As Villain turned another sharp corner, they nearly crashed into the wall, barely catching themself just in time. As they regained their bearings, a giant window greeted them at the end of the hall, and seeing as they have already been spotted, Villain decided to just go for it.

They bolted for the window, tightened their grip on Hero, and, at the last second, twisted their body around midair. They winced as they crashed through the glass with their back, shielding the hero from the sharp shards.

As blood dripped from their fresh wounds, the villain ignored the pain and dashed up into the sky, hiding amidst the dark clouds looming over the city. Once they were out of sight, they headed straight for their lair, never looking back.

Meanwhile, down on the ground, SuperHero looked up into the sky where the two had just disappeared, a tiny disabled drone sitting in their hand that they could barely stop themself from breaking into pieces.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hero groaned as they awakened from their slumber. At some point during their and Villain's escape, they had passed out. The hero vaguely remembered the villain taking them high up into the clouds and nothing else past that. They tried to open their eyes and take in their surroundings but only managed to whine as their head exploded with pain.

The hero felt like they were burning up, it was just so hot for some reason. They have been feeling rather sickly the past few days, so perhaps they were running a fever? They tried to pry their eyes open once more but stopped as something gently landed on their forehead and made them flinch out of reflex.

They whimpered as a hand touched their head, petting their hair. However, a familiar hushing sound brought some of their senses back. They finally recognized the coolness on their brow as a wet cloth. And that hand and voice, it was unmistakable.

"V..Vill..ain...?" - the hero tried but only ended up getting themself into a coughing fit. Their throat felt drier than a desert, with some cactus spikes scratching at it as a bonus.

As if their mind was being read, a cup of water was brought to their lips. The hand from before carefully lifting their head so that they could drink. Hero swallowed every drop of the precious liquid, the pain in their throat easing as their head was laid back down.

Finally, albeit with some difficulty, they managed to blearily open their eyes, blinking a few times to adjust their vision. They were lying in a soft bed of what appeared to be a guest bedroom, a fluffy blanket covering their still naked torso. Looking up, Hero was met with the concerned face of Villain.

"Wait... Con...cerned...?" - they pondered, why would their nemesis be worried about them...? And now that they thought about it more... Why...

"Why... d...did...you...?"

"Someone had to get you out of there." - Villain cut in, wanting to spare Hero's throat the struggle. "And before you ask how I even knew you needed help, I happened to be... ah... spying on you at the time."

"H...Help...?" - the hero voiced their confusion, completely ignoring - or perhaps not registering - the 'spying' part as their eyebrows slightly furrowed, "I... didn't need... help..."

Villain frowned at their words. Hero could see the concern on the other's face growing even more as they voiced their own confusion, "What do you mean you 'didn't need help'? They were hurting you."

"No... That's... normal... They were just... trying to... help... me... be better..." - Hero muttered out, they thought this would clear things up, but their explanation seemed to only upset the villain more.

"Hero, that's not- Partners aren't supposed to hurt each other! That's not helping in the slightest!" - in their momentary anger Villain raised their voice too much, and regret immediately flooded them as they watched the hero flinch and cower away from them, fresh tears making their eyes glossy.

"No, Hero- I-" - the villain tried hastily but stopped themself, seeing as their sudden movements only rattled the poor hero even more. Instead, they took in a small breath, did their best to relax their tense posture, and slowed down, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I..."

"P-Please don't be angry..." - the hero whined, scared the villain would suddenly do a one-eighty and hit them. However, to Hero's confusion, Villain's face was only decorated with pain and concern, no anger or rage to be seen. They weakly gripped the blanket covering them in their nerves.

In a hushed whisper, the villain responded, "No, I'm- I'm not angry with you." They gently took hold of one of Hero's hands and did their best to comfort them, "It's okay. I promise I'm not angry with you. Nobody here will hurt you, I promise. You're safe here."

As Villain left a small kiss on their knuckles, Hero watched them, still rather unconvinced, "B-But if you're not angry... T-Then why did you y-yell?" - they whimpered, the sound twisting the other's heart even more.

"I am angry, but not with you, Hero." - the villain's words only confused the hero even more. If Villain wasn't mad at them, then... then at who? Hero was the one who messed everything up all the time!

"I'm angry with SuperHero. They hurt you. They hurt you, and you don't even realize it..."

"B-But..." - Hero tried to argue, but Villain gently hushed them again, putting their hand back down.

"For now, just get some more rest, okay? And when you wake up, I'll have some food ready for you so you can eat."

Hero wanted to protest but found that they were too exhausted to even try. They only whined tiredly as Villain gently flipped the cloth on their forehead over, refreshing coolness spreading through their head once more. And combined with the villain softly petting their head, Hero was out like a light within moments.

Villain stayed like that for a few minutes, watching the hero sleep. Their gaze grew fond as they observed the slow rise and fall of the other's chest. Soon, however, they retreated out of the room, letting their rage overtake their features. They were well aware that SuperHero would come and find them. So, they had no time to waste. The villain had to prepare.

They had to be ready to protect their Hero.

[checkxmaster]

"Well..." Chad said with genuine curiosity, his face scrunching up in thought, "but you were at the top, weren't you, Alice? According to your files, you were head of security at the Hive along with Spencer. I'd say that's pretty high up. I mean, I was knee-deep in cyber security systems and protocols at the Hive and we had never even met before that night. That tells me you were way above me, but Umbrella really didn't seem to care..." It was puzzling to him, but more than that, it was frightening. Thinking back now about the complete lack of humanity and morals the Umbrella Corporation displayed made his skin crawl. He was sorry he ever agreed to work for them.

Chad really didn't like the word hero to describe him. Heroes were people who ran into danger to help others, not away from it. They didn't sweat and shake and forget elevator codes at the absolute worst possible time. They didn't hesitate to shoot enemies, their guns shaking in their hands. Their mouths didn't go dry and their throats constrict with the fear of what might happen next. Their minds didn't suddenly go blank despite years of intensive training and experience. Chad wasn't a hero at all.

He swallowed hard. "If I'd been a hero, more of us would've gotten out," he pushed back. "If I'd been more thorough, the Red Queen wouldn't have been able to hide her defensive protocols for the laser corridor from me. How many lives could I have saved then if I'd paid more attention? If I'd been a hero, I would've remembered that damn elevator code and it would've-" He almost choked on a hard lump that rose up into his throat. "...it would've been me to get pulled into the elevator instead of J.D. That was my fault, Alice. A lot of things were my fault that day. If I hadn't disabled the power and let all those biohazards out..." He stopped himself, because he could go on forever about his failings that day. "Heroes don't fuck up as badly as I did that night."

Her calling him a friend almost brought tears to his eyes. The guilt Chad carried around with him every day and every night from the events of the Hive was so oppressively heavy that it had taken a severe toll on him mentally. To hear someone who had lived all of that horror actually call him a friend still... it meant a lot. "Thanks, Alice. I appreciate that..." And he truly did, even if he didn't necessarily agree with everything she'd said. "As far as helping these people..." He looked around at various people milling about not that far away from them, "I think anybody else would do the same."

"Listen, with your ability to fight, the benefits of having you around would probably far outweigh any burden you might put on our supplies," Chad said quite honestly. Supplies were scarce, to be sure, but they needed more trained fighters to help keep all the various threats at bay. And goodness knows... there were many of them. He blinked, though, to hear that Umbrella had a way of tracking Alice. "Do you know how they're doing it? Because... if it's something like a tracking chip or a transmitter or anything like that, there's a damn good chance I can figure out how to disable it," he said, now almost excited at the prospect of helping her out with something like that.

(For the wandering verse?)

“It’s good to see you again. What made you decide to join up with this lot?” (Alice; @mxrvelouscreations

@mxrvelouscreations

Chad was ecstatic to see Alice again. He thought everyone else in the Hive had died. After waking up on the train tracks to an empty Hive, open doors, and dead Umbrella scientists strewn about at its entrance, he'd assumed the worst, and the worst was what he got. It was astounding how quickly the world went to hell in a handbasket. The only thing that kept Chad going was helping people. I made him feel useful, and like he was somehow making up for his part in letting this all happen in he first place, at least in some small way.

He smiled as he set up the motion sensors for the night. "They were people who needed help. So... I'm helping them," he said simply, with a light shrug. "You shoulda seen the paranoia and the lack of sleep they were all suffering from before I ran into them and implemented this motion detection perimeter. Now..." He patted one of the cameras mounted on a pole and stuck into the sand. "...they know if something comes close, they'll hear an alarm go off. Everybody's getting better sleep, and that can make all the difference."

It was the little things that mattered in this post-apocalyptic hell now, since no one was guaranteed to survive even one more day. "Besides... I feel like... I kindof owe it people. It's my fault he virus even got out in the first place..." That made his smile retreat, but soon it was back, albeit while taking on a more pensive quality than before. "It's good to see you too, Alice. I'm glad someone else survived who... knows how this all began." He wasn't sure why that mattered to him, except that it was somehow comforting to be around someone else who knew what he'd been through and how hard he'd tried to stop the virus from escaping the Hive, even if it was all in vain.

[mischas]

The chemistry had to come back in the final episodes of season 3 so that her d**th would hurt, at least that's my thinking. It's fucked up considering all the reasons for her being written off in general and how and why they decided to do it, but putting that aside if you can (which trust me I know is hard) how nonsensical and cruel and unnecessary a decision it was, it IS impactful. Both Ben and Mischa sold it imo. It could have come across so hollow and to me it doesn't. It fucking hurts. It hurts because it feels real (as real as it can on a tv show.) The reason it makes me so angry, on Marissa and Mischa's behalf, is because they (the performers) made me feel it. Honestly I wish they'd chosen to k*ll her in a different way because the whole car crash thing and the way it happens is ridiculous lmao. This isn't a defense of the writers AT ALL ftr, just want that to be really clear. Fuck them, FUCK Josh. But rather a compliment to Ben and Mischa's acting skills. They really made you feel like they were going to get back together, after a season of estrangement essentially. Her storylines that season are so god awful Jesus. And then in fucking season 4 her d**th is literally driving the story for basically half a the season at least if I remember correctly since it's so goddamn short. She's still the dramatic center of the show even though she's not on it anymore lol. It's embarrassing. Anyway I hate fridging, I'm sick of the mistreatment of female characters in media. *Especially* the ones that are most marginalized, don't even get me started on the way disabled/nuerodivergent women, queer women, women of color, fat women etc are mistreated, it says something that even the women with the most privilege (thin, white, conventionally attractive) get treated the way they do. And that's not a dig at Mischa or Marissa, because I love her. I love flawed women, problematic women etccc. I only wish we could have more of them, and that they weren't treated like they're dispensable. There's barely enough women on screen to begin with!! And they insist on k*lling us so often!!! For fucks sake. Sorry for going on a whole ass rant lmao wow this really got away from me. It's just so sardonic how media is supposed to offer us escapism, distraction, comfort, to allow us to be seen. And yet for half the population (a generalization) we really don't get that luxury. Obviously we keep watching, we can't help it, we keep hoping for it to get better (and in some ways it has) and when we're young we don't know what we're getting ourselves in for, we don't know what to expect, that's how we wind up forming those sentiment attachments to "problematic media" and everything is problematic in one way or another. Again, not a dig. So many creators don't deserve the female characters that they create. The way men really only view us as love interests, as foils, solely existing to serve or motivate other men, god it really is sickening isn't it? I'll be taking those female characters the fuck away from you thank you very much! You don't deserve them.

I'm so sorry about this, I started typing and it just came pouring out. Just pure stream of consciousness 🥴

It's totally okay I legitimately understand!! You're def right that the chemistry was turned on to make the finale really stick, but the writing was too. It's pretty cruel in my opinion to take fans on a rollercoaster of hope like that. Imagine being an OG fan thinking the season was finally picking the fuck up after the snooze fest it was only to have your fave killed off and your fave couple done forever. That's traumatic, and a lot of their audience were just teens.

Ben and Mischa really did make me feel it, and their chemistry felt right again for the first time in months that you believe they're on the cusp of something again. Even if Marissa is leaving for Greece. I don't watch the d**th scene and I've probably seen it only four to five times but not at all in the last eight or so years. When I first watched this show I would sort of revel in the tragedy and it just wasn't good for me. Take right now with the glorification of the death of Gwen Stacy. Like no thanks. Fridging women for manpain is not my thing. But yes, you're so right that even all the privilege in the world didn't save those ladies because of who wrote and created them. I think things are getting better for women characters because of the shift of who's in charge but I'm still scarred and weary.

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

[havntednlost]

The main problem: my mother.

Her and my social life.

She's my fucking hell. Since I was born. She never allowed me to do anything along with my father (that was waaaaaay more possessive and jealous when I was a child while now with my little sister he's all like "do whatever you want it's fine").

She never respected my privacy. My spaces. My decisions. My opinions. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to speak when she decided something. I wasn't allowed to choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to speak to some people I defined friends because they weren't okay for her. She'd always decided who I had to talk to and how I had to behave. She always shushed me when I wanted to say something that she thought could've been against her decision. I grew up with her ideas, with her ways of talking and acting. She was manipulating me, creating a copy of her. She wanted to see her in me. (You failed. Ops?🤭) And I was always alone. I never had friends. The only friends I could make were people with disabilities. Because others couldn't stand me. Others hated me or made fun of me. Since I was 6 (elementary school) to being 10 I only talked to people who had difficulties at school or were handicapped. I felt like they didn't judge me. And I felt like they were okay with me being their friend.

What does not having friends has to do with my mother?

Well easy: my social life was in her hands. And that's why I never had anyone by my side. Because no one was okay for her. Only one or maybe two people. And I never complained about it. Because she made me grow up like that. I had to shut up and just do what she said. In my childhood I remember disobeying just a couple of times to my mother. Consequences? Being hit. She slapped me in the face so hard she made me cry. Once she slapped me in front of my classmates in that way. My teacher told her it wasn't necessary and mum just used a polite way to say "fuck you I am her mother and I decide how she has to grow up". My teacher had to shut up while he was caressing me and making me calm down. In that moment I forgot I was in class. I must remember being in my teacher's arms and feeling safe, far from my mum's hands. I was 8 if I'm not wrong.

So, elementary school ended. Middle school started. First year. Me, still with the mentality of a child. Naive. Too innocent and silly to understand the world I was going to face. Middle school was the worst period of my life. I've been bullied all the three years.

First year: Afraid. Always defensive. But willing to be a perfect student just as I was at the previous school. It was just me and other four girls (way smarter than me because they didn't live like they were perfect dolls to keep in a house-cage) and then 15 boys. One of them had a crush on me. I rejected him. I got no will to talk about that embarrassing story. After that also this boy + all the girls made fun of me and bullied me and called me names like: horse, camel, annoying, stupid and stuff like that. I was absolutely not used to being talked to like that, consequently it was one of the first traumas I've experienced in first person, without having my mother "by my side" "to dEfENd me". First year ends and I made no friends.

My parents decide to move to another city. Caserta. Close to Naples. I spent two years there. It was a fucking hell. People there were like... the plastics of mean girls. We were 10 girls and 13 boys. Way better, I thought. Ugh, I was wrong. Boys were terrible, worse than the ones at the other school and girls? Damn, they were all Regina George. It was when my depression symptoms started, along with anxiety. They talked at my back, saying bad stuff about me. How I found out? My mother was going through my chats (without me knowing, of course) and she called me to tell me. I read the group chat. They started saying "Is Maria in this group? No? Are you sure? Yes". So after establishing that I wasn't there they started saying things like: Oh luckily she isn't. She's so annoying. Why the fuck did she came to our school? Couldn't she stay at her old one? She's so ugly and stupid. No one can stand her. No one wants her. And she thinks we're her friends! 😂😂😂 She thinks she's better than us! (totally untrue) She's no one. etc...

Now imagine me crying while reading everything because I didn't expect it.

My mother: Didn't you expect all of this? It was obvious.

Well sorry if I was too stupid because I grew up thinking people were good and I would've faced a world full of roses and love.

I just told her I didn't. Your fault, darling.

Day after. My mother goes to school and talks to my teacher about it. My teacher defends me and helps me with that and the thing is solved. But my classmates just hate me more and more. And they just keep bullying me but more subtly so that no one notices. But I was a bit smarter because I had my cousin (I will dedicate another post to this special person ❤️) that was helping me to go through all the shit and giving me advice.

Middle school ends.

I am not homophobic anymore (like my parents taught me to be). I start having doubts about my sexuality but ignore them. My depression gets worse and worse.

My mother gets worse and worse. Starting to prefer my two brothers and little sister over me for everything. I was needed just to clean the house and to be yelled at for wearing always black, being unsocial, always staying on my own in the dark, always with my phone, always listening to music, always being sad or angry, never smiling, staying up after 10pm for watching TV series or reading, not studying much etc...

(Want a hint my dear mother? I was/am depressed.)

In this period I start having suicidal thoughts. Still because of my parents. My cousin supporting me and telling me is silly and that there are other options.

We move back to Naples.

I am now 14.

Highschool starts. First year is shit because I get bullied again but I start making friends. A group of 7 people (me included). My mother says they're okay. Fucking finally.

Alessia, Gabriella, Chiara, Simona, Sara, Andreea (romanian). Fucking amazing friends. Disgustingly amazing.

My grades are low. My parents keep hating on me and yelling at me for that. But my friends support me.

In the meanwhile I get to know a girl on the Internet. We become close friends and that develops in feelings. We start a relationship. Let's be clear. It wasn't. It was just based on the fact that we had the same problems and she gave me a lot of affection, and I thought it was love.

One day my mother takes my phone, again, without me knowing, and reads all of my chats.

She finds out about this girl. I was terrified and so I confess. My first coming out. She says nothing. She goes to my dad and tells him. My dad yells "Go away! Go away from my sight!" and I go to the kitchen terrified. Crying and sobbing. We sit. Me, my mother and my dad. They start talking to me. A sum up:

I don't remember how my mother started talking. I removed it because it was traumatic, all I remember is her saying shit about that poor girl.

I say "Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us"

Mum slaps me. Hard as fuck. I was shook. Scared. Hurt. Confused.

After that they start talking about how wrong is being gay, that God doesn't accept it, that it's not natural, that it's just a phase, that only animals have gay sex and that's why we humans are different from animals that must follow their instincts. They keep repeating the same things in different ways for 3 hours. I am not kidding. 3 hours. From 3pm to 6:30pm only talking about this. (Want to know what I've done all this time? I just nodded. I kept on nodding because I was afraid to talk.)

Mum deletes and blocks every number and friends from Internet and takes my SIM card and puts it in her phone so she can check all my chats from her phone. She throws my phone away breaking it.

Nighttime: No sleep. Everytime I fell asleep I had nightmares so I woke up. Sobbing. Crying. I can't fucking breathe. A fucking hell.

Morning: I wake up totally empty and with a dead face. My parents are in the kitchen. They warmly say "good morning" and ask me to sit. I sit on the couch. They ask me "how are you". My answer: HOW AM I?? HOW AM I YOU FUCKER?????!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY ASKING ME HOW ARE YOU WITH THIS NONCHALANCE???? FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. My actual answer:.... i'm tired.

I don't remember anything else after that. Trauma I guess.

I am not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.

So after this happens I tell everything to my cousin. She doesn't believe that. She actually doesn't. She was too shocked to believe it. Haha, same sis. I don't either.

So, it takes a while for her to process everything and that's when our friendship starts for real. (We were good friends since I was 12. We grew up together, but there has never been an actual friendship because of how I was as a child. A pretty horrible child.) She starts helping me with my mother and all the stuff. We start getting closer and closer as time goes by and as my mother keeps being a bitch.

Second year of highschool.

My fucking favourite. It was such a good time. My grades weren't the best, my depression was fucking me up more than ever, my anxiety was kicking me out, but.. I had my friends. With a new entry. Simona. Yeah another one. Alessia changes school. So it's still 7 of us.

I swear if it wasn't for my friends that year and my cousin. I would've killed myself. Going back home from school everyday was basically going back to hell every fucking day.

dude: go to hell

me: awww where do you think i came from honey?

Then... that summer comes. Summer 2018.

I argue with my friends because of my parents, giving them the fault of everything. I keep them away from me. My mother gets even worse. She's against me like I am her enemy. She yells at me for everything. Every single thing.

me: *wakes up*

mother: WHY DID YOU WAKE UP GO BACK TO SLEEP AND SLEEP PROPERLY LIKE A LADY YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

She separates me from my cousin because she talked back at her (after she said bad things about my cousin's mother at her face) and here, another trauma. She calls me whore, liar, bitch because I didn't defend her like my cousin did with her mother (sorry but i hate you bitch). She says it's all my fault because I told my cousin everything about the bad things she did to me. That day goes away and my mother calms down and says it's not my fault but my cousin's because she's a bitch. I have no chance to talk to her for a month then we finally meet when my mother isn't at home. Since then we talk without no one of my family knowing. (It will be 3 years this summer, she never knew we do. How stupid can she be thinking I wouldn't talk to my favourite person ever because she said so).

September comes. Back to school. Third year. No friends. Low grades. No will to study. No will to live. But my cousin has my back. She keeps me alive, in fact I tried to kill myself multiple times. I failed. (Now I'm happy I didn't.) I pass that year. Not after another trauma. I seek for help at school. My teacher tells my mother about it and tells her that I am bisexual, atheist and I'm not okay in my family.

Thanks for ruining me, teacher. I expressively told her not to talk about it with my mother buuuut okay.

Quick sum up: I come back from school, my mother is crying. She starts saying things like "You don't want me as a mother? You don't like me? You hate me?" and I said no (not knowing that she knew what I said at school). Then the evening she walks to me and sits near me.

"Tell me the truth"

I was obviously confused. So she confesses what she knows. I was expecting the worst. It ended up with me talking to my uncles because my mother was "tOo hUrt" to talk to me.

"It's just a phase." "I hated my parents too." "You're too young to say these things." "You can't say you're bisexual if you never experienced anything."

It ended up with me faking a hug and "I'm sorry mum, I exaggerated." (obviously it was just to make everything stop).

bonus

me: *wants help to fight a difficult situation*

mum: *gets to know about it* YOU HURT ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.

also mum: *reproaches it to my face everytime she's mad at me*

Fourth year starts. This is my year. This year. 2019/2020. It started perfectly. Good grades, my friends are back.

We move again. Tivoli (Rome). I am fucking happy with that. Expect for the fact that I can't meet my cousin anymore. But of course we can chat. Secretly on Telegram. Because my mother doesn't know what it is. Also, she stopped checking my phone, finally.

So, now. I'm 17, fourth year of highschool. Here I have no friends because they all suck. I miss my friends from Naples. And I wish I was free from my parents.

Some parts are not detailed. This because I will dedicate to them other posts otherwise this one would've been waaaaaay longer. And it's already too long.

No one will read these long posts but in case you're doing it, thank you ❤.