#remember a few hours ago when i said I'd crash?

[carnage-cathedral]

okay yeah no there's ddlg in sfw tags again gonna kms thanks

[bklynsboys]

The Theory on Other Halves

pairing: spencer reid x reader summary: "there's an old buddhist saying, i once read, that when you meet your soulmate, remember that the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making." genre: fluff word count: 1k author's notes: i wrote this because this particular line of spencer's is one of my absolute favorites! i think it's really beautiful how all of the people we love were meant to be in our lives since 500 years ago. and of course, as a fan of space & constellations, i had to insert it into this fic. enjoy <3

THE AIR HUNG HEAVY WITH THE AFTERMATH OF A PARTICULARLY BRUTAL CASE—TYPICAL FOR A DAY IN THE BAU. Dust specks danced in the pale slivers of moonlight filtering through the blinds. Hotch decided it'd be best to give the team a few hours to rest in the motel before heading back home. If it were up to you, you'd be back in your bed as soon as humanly possible, but rooming with the resident genius, Dr. Spencer Reid—the object of your unspoken affections—is an opportunity you wouldn't miss.

For months, the two of you have shared a silent dance of exchanged glances and shared interests. Your colleagues, particularly the girls whom you confided in, seemed to think it was mutual. Now, you sat across from each other on motel beds, a comfortable silence blanketing the room. You traced a thoughtful finger along the rim of your empty coffee cup.

"You have a constellation," he said softly, breaking the stillness.

Your gaze flicked to Spencer, then down to your arm where his hand had landed. A faint scattering of moles dotted the inside of your forearm, resembling a modicum of stars. A small smile tugged at your lips.

"Looks like Ursa Major," he mused, tracing the pattern with his finger. "Though perhaps a little worse for wear, and without the usual bright light, of course."

You chuckled, mirroring his action on your arm. There, nestled just below your elbow, was a crescent moon birthmark, a surprise you always enjoyed revealing.

"Here's another one," you offered.

He turned his hand, examining the crescent with a childlike curiosity. " It's beautiful," he said simply.

"Did you know," Spencer added softly, his voice barely a murmur, "that the ancient Greek saw Ursa Major as a bear?"

You tilted your head, surprised by the random fact. " A bear?"

A smile played on his lip. " Apparently, the constellation's asterism resembled the animal to them. Makes you wonder what they saw in the night sky that we don't."

"Well, my mom had a different take on that," you began, a fond memory surfacing. " She used to say my moon and stars meant I'd meet a space nerd someday who'd love these marks, and we'd be orbiting each other, kind of like the Earth and the sun. She was into soulmates, you see, and space."

The conversation flowed easily, a map of your bodies sketched through shared stories. You pointed to a jagged scar on your knee, the fading memory of you running around and ending up with a scrape on your knee. He, in turn, showed you the faint line on his palm, a souvenir from a particularly enthusiastic attempt at a science experiment as a child.

Your fingers trailed down the faint scar near his hairline, so faint one wouldn't notice it if they weren't looking at Spencer's face intently. "What's this from?" you asked gently.

Spencer chuckled. " You know, how I have really bad coordination?" He sighed. " I was lost in a book, I ran straight into a doorpost. My mom called me 'Crash' after that."

You squeezed his hand gently, a silent understanding passing between you. You knew how much Spencer cherished his mom, especially with her health declining. Sharing stories about her felt like a tender offering of his vulnerability.

He returned the gesture, his thumb tracing the faint outline of a mango-shaped birthmark on your back. " My mom swears it's from all the mangoes she craved while pregnant," you said with a laugh, remembering your childhood debates about the science behind birthmarks.

As the night wore on, your exploration became a conversation without words. You ended up curled up on one bed. You ran your fingers over the slight dip in his lower back, a lingering ache from a wrestling match between an unsub gone wrong. He skimmed his thumb across the freckle dusting your shoulder, a map of sun-drenched summer days.

There was no urgency, no pressure. Just a quiet appreciation for the way your bodies, like your minds, fit together, like puzzle pieces worn from being fitted together—entangled from experiences, both big and small. In the faint intimacy, you found a deeper connection, a comfort that transcended beyond just physical.

Suddenly, Spencer spoke, his voice soft. " Maybe your mom was right, you know."

"Right about what?" You murmured, head tilting at the man's question.

His gaze met yours, a thoughtful crease furrowing his brow. " About finding your soulmate," he said hesitantly. " There's an old Buddhist saying, I once read, that when you meet your soulmate, remember that the act to bring you together was 500 years in the making."

A thoughtful hum escaped your lips. " That's beautiful, Spencer," you whispered.

He continued, a hint of a smile playing on his lips, "Plato once wrote humans used to have four arms, four legs, and two faces, but Zeus split us in half as a punishment for our pride, and we were destined to walk the Earth searching for our other half."

A soft blush crept up your neck. You hadn't expected such a personal turn in the conversation.

"Plato," you murmured, surprised." The one who wasn't a big fan of the soulmate idea, right?"

Spencer's lips curved into a small smile.

"True," he admitted. "But even a brilliant mind like his couldn't deny the undeniable pull we sometimes feel towards certain people. Maybe the Greeks weren't so far off . Maybe the stars, the constellations, these little imperfections on our skin... Maybe they all tell us a story of where we belong."

His words hung in the air, heavy with unspoken meaning. You found yourself captivated by the way the moonlight glinted in his eyes.

"So," you finally spoke, your voice barely a whisper, "are you saying we're destined to be wandering halves searching for the other?"

Spencer shook his head slowly, his gaze never leaving yours. "No," he said, his voice a smooth cadence. " Maybe... Maybe we already found each other."

The silence that followed was thick with unspoken sentiments. The air crackled with a tension that both terrified and exhilarated you. Your heart hammered against your ribs, a frantic drumbeat to the quiet reverberation of the night. Curled beside him, Spencer's arm draped casually across you, its weight a comforting presence, you drifted off to sleep.

A faint smile touched Spencer's lips as he listened to your soft snores. "Good night," he whispered into the darkness.

[gubbin-galoshes]

Yesterday I arrived at a Christmas fundraiser event as a volunteer. There were parents and kids, carols and laughter, families dancing and talking in bright voices.

My back was to it all. I guarded the entry table, took money, explained the festivities, and watched them move on. Other volunteers came to talk with me, sat at the table two and three at a time, offered me cocoa and cookies and engaged me in bright conversation while the room reverberated with noise and more families came in and waited expectantly at my table.

Four hours later, I felt like I was going to pass out, but I had two more hours to go. By the time I got home after dark, I was shaking. I felt like my brain had been sucked out with a straw, leaving a rattling ringing in my ears.

This morning, after running tech for the UU service, everyone got up and started talking at once but I couldn't understand them because there was a crashing ocean noise in my skull that rumbled painfully in my ears every time someone made a sound. I had to get out. I picked up my bag, said goodbye, and ran.

For the past few years-- since joining this community and since becoming a manager at work, since I've started running meetings and supervising people and being asked to give every moment of my time to solving other people's personal problems or to noisy, bright, confusing events --I've forced myself to try and be normal.

Normal is taking everything I have, so I keep my abnormalities to myself: my fanfiction, my kids' shows, my fantasy novels, my podcasts, the tent I sleep in every night because it's the only thing that makes me feel safe. These things are secret because they're mine and mine alone. I can't let normal take them, too.

One of those secret things is Hilda.

I adore this show so incredibly much. I feel like it was written just for me: the folklore, the woods, the low-stakes adventures, the knowledge that everything will be okay in the end. This is the world I always wanted. It's the story that I always wanted to write. Even now, its gentle lessons on how to be a good person and how to be a good friend are morals I needed to hear. And I tried applying those lessons: be adventurous, invite others to explore with you, say what's on your mind, ask questions, knock on doors, help where help is needed, engage fully in every conversation, spend all your time with other people, leap first and look later, be loud, and contribute to the noise and color and light. Do all these things and everyone will love you. Keep doing it, even if it hurts. You'll adjust. You'll become resilient. And you'll be happy and you'll make everyone else happy.

But then. Now. There's Louise.

This is me. I'm so quiet that no one sees me, no one knows my name, and when I make a sound people jump. In my overwhelmed and frustrated state, after trying so hard to be like everyone else, this three-second scene made me cry with relief.

I'd been so focused on turning myself into the person that everyone else needed that I'd forgotten who I am. Louise reminded me. As the episode went on, I remembered how I used to quietly and calmly observe. How I would absorb and analyze and only speak when I'd built up something to say.

But most importantly-- the thing that reached into my soul and ripped it out --was the fact that Louise is comfortable in who she is. By the end of the show, her quiet observation is her strength. She's strong and confident, not timid and shy. She can be accepted warmly as a good friend even if she isn't as loud as everyone else. Her character arc is not to overcome her quietness. Being quiet is a part of her personality, and she's loved and accepted for who she is.

And that? I don't remember seeing that.

Ever.

Only a couple weeks ago I sat in a roomful of people and told them I was grateful to them for teaching me how to be more outgoing while, at the same time, the raging ocean waves of protest crashed in my ears. Just push through it, I'd thought. The more you force yourself to be extroverted, the easier it will become. But what if it was okay to be myself?

I haven't watched past this introductory episode, but this kids' show is washing away my existential crisis and I love it so, so much.

[just-my-type-x]

Body On Me

Part 2 of this

TW: language, drinking, unprotected sex

Smut

I exit my hotel room and knock on Brad's door and he opens it with a wide smile, his blue shirt loosely covering his upper body. I blush when i catch a glimpse of his well toned chest, my heart warming at the sight of his red heart necklace. I got it for him a while back, even tho our friends thought it's something he'd never wear, but here we are, years later, and he still rocks this necklace like the first day he got it.

Our friendship changed a lot since two weeks ago when the whole charades happened between Tris and I. Brad and i are definitely closer after confessing our feelings to each other, but he kept distance from me for a few days until the love bites faded a little bit.

"I'll remember my feelings for you when those disappear", Brad said with a serious voice, but laughed the second i rolled my eyes at his words.

Now that he can look at me with no problem, we became closer and tried to give in our feelings, we cuddled a lot and spent more alone time. It did heal our friendship, which i couldn't be more grateful for.

"Are the others ready?", Brad asks with a twinkle in his eyes, smirking at the way i was looking at him.

"I have no idea, i wanted to check on you first", i smile back and i hold his arm while walking to the boys' hotel rooms

"As you should", cocky as ever, i roll my eyes and we both chuckle as we check on the others.

Half an hour later, we make it to the nightclub and find a wide sofa that can fit all of us in one sitting. I take a seat next to Brad, whose arm falls protectively over my shoulders, his other hand squeezing my exposed knee. My hand falls on his thigh and we look around the club, seeing everyone dance and having fun. Connor shows up with a row of shots, which we finish fast by screaming a "Cheers" to hear each other in the loud room and raising the glasses in the air.

Soon after, Brad and i get in the mood to dance and i fix my skirt and shirt before getting to the dance floor, next to Tristan and one of his friends. Brad's naughty hands find their way down the small of my back, following the shape of my ass, giving it a gentle, subtle squeeze. I feel my cheeks burn because of the intimate gesture and he smirks, pulling me closer to his body. We keep dancing together and i turn my back to him, pressing my back on his chest and my ass on his crotch, grinding on him. I hear him groan in my ear, his hand grabbing my hips and pulling me even closer, letting me feel his boner through his pants. I swing my hips left to right, making sure i apply enough pressure on his hard member.

"I never thought you'd like getting this naughty in public", Brad chuckles and places a hot, wet kiss under my ear. I suck in a breath.

"With the right person, I'd have sex right here on the dance floor", i smirk, smiling wide when i see him gulp.

"I'd fuck you right here and right now", Brad's eyes scan my face, waiting for an answer, but he turns me around to face him and crashes his lips on mine. His lips are soft and hot, moving in sync with mine, his tongue brushing over my bottom lip. I get closer to him, throwing my arms around his neck, his hands on the small of my back. We pull away, looking in each other's eyes, before kissing again, this time rougher, my teeth sinking in his bottom lip.

"Oh wow", i giggle and Brad hugs me tight at his chest. "That was so good"

"Thank you, I've trained a lot for this moment", he laughs and i hit him playfully in the bicep.

"Asshole. I'm gonna go to the bar, do you want something?"

"The usual", he yells back as he walks back to the sofa. I ask Tris, James, Kirstie and Con if they want anything, but they decline and i carry on my way to the bar.

I wait behind a group of teenagers that shouldn't be in the club and when they drunkly walk away from the bar, i take a step forward, still following them with my eyes.

"Those kids should be sleeping", i scoff, turning my head to the bartender, my eyes widening immediately

"Who are we to judge?", he says and he mimics my exact reaction. "Oh my God, y/n!"

"George! Hiii", i get on my tiptoes to hug him over the counter. "Haven't seen you in ages.", i look him up and down to see if anything changed. "Other than your perm, everything looks the same", i laugh and he does too

"I'm the same man", he laughs. "Who are you here with? Because I don't think you'd be here in London by yourself"

"Oh I'm here with Brad and actually the whole band"

"That's amazing, do you mind if i join you after taking your order?"

"Not at all, two gins with strawberry sparkling water please". George hands me the glasses, insisting these two drinks to be on the house on behalf of our old friendship. We get to the sofa and Brad's eyebrows raise as he sees the two of us approaching.

"Oh my God, there's no way, George?", he gets up fast from the couch and comes to hug him. They saw each other a few times over the last couple of years, but they've always gotten along just great.

"I know right? We haven't seen each other since i finished uni a couple of years ago", i chuckle and sip on my gin. A few minutes later, the boys meet George and catch up with how him and i have been literal besties throughout our college years. "I'mma go to Kirstie, replace James for a second", i give Brad my glass and turn around.

"Do you mind if i take you for a dance before? I have to get back to work afterwards", George asks and i throw a glance at Brad, quietly asking for an answer, but he nods and smiles, mouthing a go ahead.

We head to the dance floor next to Kirstie and James and dance together, George spinning me around every now and then and jokingly making Waltz moves. The song finishes and something too techno to dance on starts, so our party mood fades instantly. His arms is still around my waist, holding me gently while we all make conversation. I laugh a bit too hard at one of his jokes and i lean closer to him, holding my belly with my hand as i laugh even harder when Kirstie joins in. I get back to my senses and i look at George who was already looking at me, scanning my face, his hand caressing my waist, until he reaches the small of my back, his hand lower than expected.

In a matter of seconds i smell the familiar fragrance and turn around to see Brad behind me, getting between me and my friend. Brad moves George's arm and he protectively puts an arm around my shoulders, glueing our bodies together.

"Well, I'm gonna get back to my shift, i hope you'll have fun"

"We will", Brad smiles quickly and nods his head once like he'd dismiss George. James chuckles and turns to Brad with an amused figure.

"Did he step on your tale mate?"

"Maybe", he turns to me, frowned, and leaves for the sofa, where i follow him to,asking him what was that about. "Did this happen the last time you went to the club with Tristan and Connor?", he intertwines his fingers while supporting his arms on his knees, looking up at me.

"I'm sorry, what? Why would you ask me something like this?"

"Answer me, y/n. Was this the way you and Tris got it going last time? Laughing together, Tris having his hands all over your waist?"

"Brad, why are you doing this?", i cross my arms at my chest and look away from him

"I never thought I'd be jealous of Tristan to be honest", he scoffs. "but there's a first for everything in life"

"I'm not doing this again with you. I can't be anything more with you other than friends if everything you can think about is how Tris and i fucked. Now, excuse me, but I'm going to the bathroom and then I'll leave. See you back at the hotel", i turn my back to him and find my way through the crowded dance floor. I take a right on a neon lit up hallway and pass two girls, one drunkly crying and the other one sober, trying to calm her down. I push the bathroom door when i feel my arm being grabbed. I turn around only to have Brad bump into me, pushing me into the bathroom, locking the door behind us. He pins me with my ass on the sinks counter, his strong arms lifting me up to sit me on top of it. His lips find their way to mine, his hand wrapped around my neck, keeping me in place as his tongue presses on mine hungrily.

"Never leave like this again", he trails kisses on my jaw, under my ear and on my neck. "And don't ever be someone else's again", his hot, heavy breathing makes goosebumps appear on my skin and i groan as his hands get under my shirt, his mouth already placing wet spots on my breasts.

"Make me yours, then", i breath out and his hands caress the length of my legs, pulling them apart gently. He looks me in the eyes as his hands go back to my thighs, pushing the skirt upwards until my ass is not covered anymore and he grabs my thong, taking it off in a swift manner.

"Oh, you'll be mine after tonight", Brad's voice is low and he pulls me closer to the edge of the counter as he drops to his knees, positioning his head between my legs. "Fuck, if you could only see this view". My cheeks burn and i gulp when his mouth starts kissing on my inner thighs, closer and closer to my pussy.

"You're out of your mind to take me right here, Bradley", my head falls back as his tongue runs between my folds, feeling myself getting wetter than before. "Fuck", i moan, his tongue nibbling at my swollen clit, the intense feeling having me arch my back and hold my head on the mirror behind me. His fingers find their way to my entrance, teasing me, as he spreads my wetness to my clit, circling it gently, before easily entering me. He pumps his fingers in and out of me painfully slow, making me breathe heavily. I'm a moaning mess under his touch and i groan when he removes his fingers from my pussy.

"You're so eager love", Brad almost whispers and i moan when i hear the nickname, pulling him by the collar to kiss me. I taste myself on his lips and tongue and we both moan in each other's mouths, his fingers moving in and out of me again. I push his head between my legs again and i moan loudly when his tongue works faster on my clit, building an imense pressure in my whole body. My legs tremble as he sucks on my clit and i grab on his curls.

"I'm so close", my voice breaks and after a few more movements of his fingers and a fee strokes of his tongue, i let my whole body tremble underneath his gentle, yet hungry touch. He gets up off the floor and i tear his buttons apart, exposing his chest and abs and he unbuttons and unzips his jeans, my eyes widening. "Hell, Bradley, you're not wearing boxers", my statement comes out more like a moan and i bite my lip as i take in the view, an open-shirted Brad, his toned chest and abdomen glowing under the radiant blue, wearing nothing else. His smirk is almost devilish and he reaches for my shirt to unbutton, so the two of us would be even almost. Brad motions me to get off the counter and he turns me around, lifting my skirt up again and bending me over the counter. I feel really grateful for the water tap for not being motion censored. I watch Brad in the mirror as he carefully analyses my whole body, starting from my ass to my breasts. His hands grab my hips and he groans in my ear.

"Fucking hell, y/n.", he leans in until his forehead touches my back. "You make me hate you so much", he smirks and i roll my eyes, smiling at him through the mirror. He lines himself up with my entrance and waits for my approval to carry on. He stands still and uses his hands to guide my hips, wiggling my ass right and left, until his head slips inside, both of our breaths cut short at the blissful feeling. I buckle my ass backwards and Brad can't hold back anymore and smashes the rest of his length in me. I grab onto nothing as his dick fills me up more than expected and I'm a moaning mess as he rocks his hips forward hard. "Tell me how good it feels, love", he groans, slapping my ass hard. I whimper but look at him through the mirror, his eyes already on mine.

"Fuck, it feels amazing, you make me feel so good, love", i moan and his hand grabs one my still covered by the bra boobs, squeezing it gently. "Oh, right there", i breath out as his dick hits my g-spot over and over again.

"You look like a fucking goddess, y/n. You take my dick like such a good, obeying girl. Am i fucking you good?", Brad's mouth is close to my ear and his teeth bite my earlobe, sending shivers down my spine.

"You're fucking me so good.. And you're so big", i moan as he thrusts harder inside me and i grip tight on the edge of the counter. "I want you to fuck me like this forever". He smiles and swears under his breath, pulling out of me fast. He grabs me by the waist and motions me to stand up and i turn around to face him, confused.

"I'm gonna be yours forever, in any way you want me.", Brad kisses me hard, his hand around my neck. He pulls away and hops on the sinks counter. "Now ride me. Hard", he takes my hands in his and pulls me up on the counter. I get on top of him and hold my skirt up as i lower myself on his hard dick. His hands grip on my thighs, feeling his fingers leave bruises on my skin. We both gasp when he is all inside and i start moving up and down on him, adjusting again to his size.

"I'm gonna be so sore afterwards"

"You have no idea how much i wanted to make you feel like this", Brad's hands guide my movements and i crash my lips on his, while my hips move back and forth, both of us moaning loud and running our hands all over each other's bodies. "Mmm, do it by yourself", he moans and glues my hands to his chest. I move my hips to the same rhythm, Brad's moans getting louder, his hands grabbing my breasts. "I love seeing you jump on mu my dick, you look so hot", i moan at his words and let myself lean on his body as i feel getting closer and unable to keep my composure. I hide my head in the crook of his neck and i start biting and sucking on his sweet spots. "I love having your body on me"

"I'm so close, love", i whisper and Brad nods, breathing heavily. He helps me build up the speed as he lifts me up and down by my ass, both of us coming with a loud groan, hiding our faces in each other's chests. I feel Brad's dick still twitching inside me, his hot load warming my walls. I get up slowly and clean myself up as he does the same. We get properly dressed and hug tightly, both of us feeling really tired. "I never thought you'd be so good in bed", i chuckle and he laughs at my statement.

"Well, i always knew you'd ride me so good.", he smirks and kisses me softly. "Let's get out of here"

[iheart-nana]

xxiii. whispers in the dark

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CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE ─ whispers in the dark.

❛ and i should get a ciggarette for so much restraint ❜

Kim Taesung's Perspective

For a few moments after Yumi left, I found myself staring blankly at the door. I too was shocked at the fact that I offered to teach her guitar. Did I have that much restraint? And that too, at my house? I couldn't stop thinking of her and it drove me nuts. Tonight, she looked stunning. She had always been pretty, but today? She took my breath away. Her hair framed her face in a way that seemed so effortless, like a masterpiece painted with the dim light bulbs that lit up my living room.

I couldn't shake off the conversation that I had with Inhyuk in the kitchen. He said Yumi was the one who planned everything, and then slapped my shoulder playfully. Was it really the case? Or was he just teasing me? I had so many questioned swirling around my head, and I couldn't make sense of any of them.

I suddenly remembered that she got me a gift. It really wasn't a big deal, I tried to tell myself. Everyone got me gifts. But desire to see what she got me devoured me whole and I found myself inching towards the dark blue paper bag that sat on the table, which seemed to be calling out to me, waiting to be opened.

I sensed some hesitation as my hand reached inside it, pulling out a box—that seemed rather heavy for its size. My heart pounded in my ears as my fingers brushed against the smooth, velvety surface. A chill ran down my spine as my eyes landed on the label.

It was a perfume.

The delicate glass bottle shimmered in the dim light, its contents a mystery waiting to be unveiled. A wave of emotions crashed over me—surprise, confusion, and a strange sense of anticipation. How did she know? Had she been paying attention to my preferences, or was this a random act of kindness?

With a shaking hand, I lifted the box lid, revealing a delicate glass bottle. It was a simple rectangular bottle, yet its cold surface sent shivers down my spine. A clear blue liquid swirled within it. My hand reached for the bottle cap, unscrewing it with a newfound gentleness in my hands. I lifted the bottle up to my nose, inhaling the scent.

Unlike anything I'd expected, the fragrance was a captivating paradox. Woody notes, reminiscent of sun-warmed cedarwood, formed the base, grounding the scent with a sense of strength and earthiness. But then, a wave of unexpected freshness washed over it. A hint of salt air hit my nose, and I could practically feel the ocean breeze. It was the scent of a tropical beach after summer rain, where the heat had coaxed out the earthy aromas of the forest floor while leaving the air fresh and alive.

What does this mean?

Choi Eunyoung's Perspective

My mom had come into my room about half an hour ago, bidding me good night. I too, had tucked myself into my warm, comfy bed, when the realization that Yumi wasn't home hit me like a speeding truck on an expressway. An uneasy feeling washed over me, as all my drowsiness was drowned out by worry and concern. Ever since then, I've been sitting on the kitchen platform, staring out the little square window that looked down on the street.

I remember the day I first met Yumi. It was one of my most vivid memories as a child when my age was just a single digit. I don't remember a lot of things from when I was that little but that day was fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I had heard a loud wailing sound from the sand pit in the park and found Yumi crying because all the other kids had sand toys except her. I remember chuckling and offering my toys, telling her to stop crying. I never knew that she would become such a significant part of my life.

When Yumi had been working at the law firm, I watched the spark slowly disappear from her eyes each evening she reached home. The vibrant young woman I knew was slowly fading away, slipping from my reach, replaced by a weary stranger burdened by unseen woes. My heart ached for her, but my attempts to reach out were met with a wall of silence. Whenever I brought up the subject of her job, a guarded look would cloud her features, and the conversation would hit a dead end. It was as if her feelings were locked in a vault, and she'd thrown away the key.

That's why, when I spotted her- practically skipping down the street, my lips stretched into a huge grin. I hadn't seen her smile like that in ages. It was as if someone had flipped a switch within her, igniting a forgotten light that had been buried beneath the weight of her burdens. The world, usually cast in a dull, dreary filter, seemed to come alive again. Even the streetlights, normally harsh and flickering, seemed to dim in reverence, their feeble glow overshadowed by the radiance emanating from Yumi.

Instead of letting myself ponder on the reasons for her newfound joy, I let myself appreciate the happiness radiating off her. Though we weren't related by blood, our bond was as strong as that of real sisters. I wanted her to keep smiling like that for the rest of time. 

As I heard her footsteps making their way to the front door, I leaped off the platform and bolted to my room, switching off the lights in a frenzy. I stumbled on my way, not being able to differentiate a lamp from a clothing rack thanks to the fact that I was sitting like a ghost in the darkness. Aside from the fact that I would have knocked the living daylight out of her, it would have been pretty difficult to explain why I was awake at that ungodly hour. I lay in my bed- that somehow felt warmer than before, and let myself fall into a slumber as the smile never left my lips.

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nana's notes: the header turned out so cute (*^_^*)

delphi's notes: taesung entering his loser era

next chapter: saturday list of chapters here!

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

mmmgh hello maggots the monster was a dreadful idea i cleaned a lot of my room and i made the weird post and i've been trying to gather quotes for another post, but the crash is fucking real...

today i made friends with a baby. i was waiting for my mum outside a store and sitting next to me on the bench was a lady with her baby and i said hello to him. he stared at me a good deal before giggling and hiding his face in his mum's abaya.

i made faces and stuck my tongue out and he kept staring and sometimes bursting into a little smile. i spoke to his mum in my shitty Hindi and we talked about the weather. when she had to wear her hijab, she handed the baby to me to hold, and he sat on my lap, wriggly but patient for a good few minutes. luckily she was finished by the time he got cranky, and he resumed his perch on her lap, watching me intently.

his sister arrived after a bit, and she was shy and perplexed, asking her mum who i was (random dude just sitting and talking to the baby, understandable confusion there). she said i was a friend. the little girl was extra confused, and asked whose friend, and her mum said i was the baby's friend.

i've begun reading anansi boys. the first line is it begins, as most things begin, with a song. thanks to @neil-gaiman i now know two facts about beginnings: there is a song, and it is in a garden. about endings however i only know one thing: it is also in a garden. i am as yet unsure about the song part.

i read a post about how we need to remember that, in the end, the good omens show was created for terry by neil, and that's what matters. the video did make me cry. a few days ago i'd read a bit of the amazon sample of the good omens tv companion, and i was reminded of it, so i spent the past couple of hours converting the screenshots to text (a difficult task when you're as incompetent as me) to share those paragraphs with y'all.

in the process however i was gripped by the ol' anxiety and existential dread, and so here i am, writing another of these pointless posts (i don't mean that in a self-deprecating way, i mean that the point of these posts is that they have no point, they're just really stream of consciousness). to talk to you, or the silence, whoever listens.

it's nice, to be listened to. i always thought what i wanted most was to be seen or to be known. but maybe at heart what i really wanted was to be listened to.

to quote a rap i'd written a long while ago,

is anybody listening? the stars they're glistening blurred through the water of the night sky's christening

thank you for listening to me. i'm surprised that so many of you have listened and for so long. it's wonderful and strange, that.

i love you. i hope you have the loveliest of days and the most restful of nights.

[hargreevesbros]

[Those Three Words - An Umbrella Academy Ficlet - Klaus/Viktor Romance]

Hurt/Comfort

CW: mentions of abuse, rape, torture, killing, PTSD respectively. Consensual sex, mildly graphic.

It wasn't a surprise when Viktor showed up to Klaus's classroom after hours and peeked in to offer a tour of Vik's new apartment.

A misguided 'I love you' couldn't stop the siblings from connecting.

Klaus had said those three words to people who deserved it far less than his own brother.

An inmate in prison pimped the Oracle out. An 'i love you' didn't stop the rape.

When he was 15, his 35 year old boyfriend punched him in the face for uttering those words outside of sex. If it could be called that.

A woman in red heels and a name that was long forgotten put her cigarettes out on his skin whenever he said it. He said it a lot to her for some reason.

Then there was Dave. Dave never hurt him for saying those three words. But he did die. Not even dying himself could bring back Dave.

Everyone that Klaus Hargreeves has ever tried to love has hurt him or left.

Not Viktor.

"Am I trapping you?" Klaus asked Viktor, still inside of the other man in a post sex cuddle on the floor of a grungy, empty apartment.

Viktor laughed and took another hit of the joint they shared, "No more than I've been trapped in this stupid family for 35 years..." He set the joint in the makeshift tin foil ashtray they had made an hour ago, seeing Klaus flinch.

Klaus moved to get up, only to be pinned back down, deeper into the body of his brother with a pair of legs around his waist. "If anything," Viktor traced a scar on Klaus's collarbone, "I'm trapping you."

Only when Klaus began to cry did Viktor untangle his legs and pull away, just to sit up and hold the other man, "Fuck," he muttered softly, "I'm- I'm sorry, Klaus."

For a solid few minutes the silence was filled only by sobs.

Finally, with mascara tears, and sweat, and salvia separating the skin of the two, Klaus sat up and nodded, eyes glazed with dissociation.

"But I love you," Klaus gasped, still trying to catch his breath, holding back another barrage of tears, "I love you like my brother, I love you like my friend, I love you like my--" he shook his head, wincing with a flood of bad memories, "Everyone I've ever loved has hurt me in some way."

Another drag of the joint focused Viktor's mind. "And I've hurt everyone who's ever tried to love me," He swallowed his own tears, not wanting to give in to something so vulnerable, "Sometimes I wonder if I killed those women on purpose."

Klaus raised a brow to his brother, "What? When you were little?"

Viktor nodded.

"Babe," Klaus buried his face in Viktor's hair, savoring the scent of his lover, "We were literally babies, being fucking tormented by Dad."

They both took deep breaths.

"You were being given strangers to micromanage your life at three years old. I'm sure were so fucking scared and confused. You were acting appropriately for a toddler, and it's dad's incompetence that killed those women. Not you."

This time Viktor couldn't stop the tears. "I can't stop seeing their faces though!" He heaved, the air around them thick and heavy.

Outside a few car alarms went off and dogs barked from the ultrasonic frequencies.

Klaus winced but braved the headache while Viktor breathed through the PTSD.

"Whenever I'd date...." He grimaced, remembering all the breakups over the years, "I couldn't....see those people for who they were. I just saw...all the nannies, babysitters, au pairs..." Anger flashed through Viktor's face, "It wasn't fair to them. To not see them for who they were."

Finally, wet eyes met wet eyes. Salty lips crashed into salty lips.

"I don't want to hurt you...or-or not see you." Viktor whispered into his brother's mouth between flicks of the tongue.

"Don't worry about it, Vik," Klaus whispered back trailing kisses down the man's stomach and landing between his legs, "I'm barely a person. And I love you."

That comment earned Klaus a rough hair pull, which only made him laugh into his brother's flesh.

"I love you too," Viktor gasped, eyes wide with pleasure.

I love you.

[thenightlymirror]

So, for anyone paying attention to narrative, a lot has happened in the last week.

I was going to start on Tuesday, but then remembered that quite a lot happened on Monday too. So, Friday, I suppose.

At some point Friday, after days of the superintendent telling me that he would get to my dozens of foundation requests and work orders sometime next week, I learned in the last hour that he was actually going on vacation. Which enraged me. I'm an idiot. They spent the week after Memorial Day recovering. The next week saw the GM off sick almost the entire week, while I sort of ran things.

I started Monday by explaining to the GM that nothing has been for our State of Emergency Shithole Cemetery in two weeks, even when I tried to plan ahead for the next delivery which was coming very soon. Welp.

A few minutes later, I heard her addressing the grounds crew so, stood up from my desk and crashed the meeting. These are our priorities until I receive the granite manifest. This marker needs to be done today. These, when there's time. Two weeks ago I cared about these. Fuck it. I'll be by to look for paperwork in the garage.

I found the garage breakroom table covered in unfinished stacks of my work orders, old food, and a thin, even layer of mouse shit. Buck, how do you feel about being made to eat your meals on rat shit?

"I think it's a crime."

Correct.

After collecting my papers and taking lots of photos, I talked to Buck about his various grievances. He asked me if I was a socialist. "At least," I said.

I decided to go back to the GM and confront her about the rat shit. She explained that she bleached that table a month ago, but the boys leave the door open, and even when the exterminator visits twice a month, there's nothing they can do. Also. Buck was caught feeding the mice water.

Hm.

Well, I mean, wouldn't you? Honestly. Who among us if forced to live in rat shit would not feed the miserable poisoned rats? Since you're essentially in the same boat, all about to be fired, thrown out on your asses. Murdered.

Tuesday, grounds continued get more work done. The manifest arrived. I made the No. #2 a packet with the four foundations that were absolutely necessary by next week. Andrew invited me out to trivia later than night, and I spent the rest of the day feeling tired and headachy and convinced that if I didn't go, I'd probably be alone for the rest of my short life.

So I went. It was pretty good. Most of the table seemed a little snooty, and also worried about something I wasn't a party to. Nervous. They're pretty serious about it all. We got second place in the end. I was really good at naming movies just by single frames. I also got the two other Latin American countries that use the American Dollar correct, but they weren't very confident about it. Neither was I, really.

Afterward, me and Andrew went to a bar and a girl there talked to us, got our numbers. I assumed Andrew went home with her. Maybe he did. He was discreet about it, if he did. She liked us, and we hit our stride as two (likely) bisexuals performing as horny straight men for our own amusement. It was a lot of fun.

The next day Buck and I exchanged numbers and made plans to hang out at his place, smoke weed, listen to Norwegian black metal, and watch old Incredible Hulk episodes. Nice.

There was this whole thing about going to Wisconsin to pick up some vases for a customer. The GM wanted to go. Sandra also happened to be going on the same day. I made a million calls and now it was just me picking it all up for everybody. No Spotted Cow. No Cheese Castle. Solamente Cox.

I woke up an hour early to lay in bed and feel utterly convinced I wanted to die. Something was up, and my brain turned in on itself instinctively. Always embarrassment, humiliation. Clarity. Brutal clarity. I got up. Rushed a day's work in three hours. Drove to my old cemetery where Sandra ran to give me a hug and pointed to the breakroom where Carlene was eating lunch. Something was definitely weird with Carls. Seemed miffed. I avoided immediately attacking Harper and talked logistics with Carlene by repeating every sentence she said until she noticed.

I entered the office to pick up the keys, and asked Harper how she was. I was pretty clear. She just kept working, didn't even look up. I just shrugged. Sandra gave me the eyes like, Holy Shit Dude, and I turned to go, but Carlene intervened like "HARPER!" and she finally looked up, so I asked her gently, Harper, what's up. How's it going, and she looked embarrassed and talked for a few minutes. Totally normal.

You could not convince me for the next four hours that is what happened. I only remembered my guts falling out on the floor in front of everyone. Hahaha. Such a sensitive baby.

Everyone at my place went on and on about how they might give me a tour, and I'd get to meet the owner and nobody there gave a shit. They just passed me through like corn. Not that they were mean in the slightest. I don't know what I expected.

I got back to the old cemetery. The new counselor-at-large was there and I said hello and she looked right fucking through me. Haha I was not quiet. She just sucks. That's fine.

I got in the office and Sandra was stuck in an email. I was like, What the hell are you doing? Can't say. Ok lol. "What the hell is wrong with everyone today?"

"I was about to say that myself," Harper says. "People standing in doorways all day." Fucking body snatchers. Then Margie caught me. Harper made the "You did this to yourself by being nice to her, and I am getting the hell out of here" face. Have a nice weekend!

I pull out of my parking space in my own car again, and rip off the front bumper. The counselors come out to laugh and Sandra clandestinely takes photographs with her phone. We all laugh for a while while no one gets to leave the parking lot, and I go straight home to Winnetka with the vases in my car.

What else?

My trainer asked if I went to the Cheese Castle. No. I was depressed. She shoots into my dms to ask me why I'm depressed. I'm fine. Just woke up this way. My brain's just broke.

I woke up this morning sadder than ever. As I got in the car, my old trainer called me and said that she got a new job. The office manager position she always wanted. Fuck all the rest. I said thank god you did something, or else I was going to have to. Congrats. She said not to tell anyone, and to get out of this place as soon as I can.

I went to work and got on the golf cart and rode around for a while, took it up to the secret lake. Hiked around. Scared some birds. Took the cart off-roading down a steep hill convinced I was going to flip myself.

Later, rushing through work, I got another call. Sandra. She's leaving. Got a job with the city. Which means. Her position will be open. I jumped out of my seat and started punching the air. Holy shit. Suddenly the day flowed right over. Not only would this whole nightmare end, I'd get the position I wanted in the first place. The position I wanted like... years from now. Gene's place. I wouldn't have to be miserable. I still doubt it will actually happen. But it might. I might just be happy. Over in the admin office between Harper and Carl. Easy.

[whitneyasif]

My DP/DR story

I was diagnosed with Depersonalization(DP)/Derealization(DR) disorder a few months ago, although I've experienced it since I was in high school, probably around 2012. At that time, I had no clue what it was. I remember first experiencing it after smoking weed with my friends, and still feeling "weird" and high the next day, and the day after that, all for about a week. Eventually, I guess I just stopped thinking about it so naturally, it was gone. I never really smoked much weed after that, thinking I'd never ever wanna feel that weird again. Flash forward to 2015 when my grandfather (who raised me, and was basically like my dad) suddenly passed from a brain tumor, it sparked up again, but once again went away and laid dormant. I was doing good, I got married and had two sons. Then, one of the worst things that could happen to a woman, happened to me. My husband died. He was robbed and killed in March of 2021, and my whole world crashed...and burned...badly. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I was paranoid, watching out of my window all night and not sleeping because I was so afraid. After months into my healing journey for the next year, I was doing better. I got back to work, and things were seeming to go back to "normal" for me. October of 2022 comes around, and my younger sister had relapsed and called me for help, asking to come to my house to detox and get clean. I agree and pick her up, and she is withdrawing pretty hard. I left home for about an hour to go help my sister-in-law who had a flat tire and needed a ride, and come home to my baby sister who was 23, dead in my bed. Probably the most devastating thing that I have ever gone through other than losing my husband. After that, a bunch of new mental health issues started to arrive and wouldn't you know it, here comes the DP/DR, full force, the worst it has ever been. I suffered for a few months of going in and out of "reality" and dissociative states and finally called a therapist. Almost immediately I was diagnosed to have DP/DR and PTSD. Although I knew I had it, it was still a relief for someone to listen to me and not make me feel crazy when I described my symptoms. Quite frankly, if you have ever experienced DP/DR you know just how crazy it makes you feel. Now at this point, you're probably wondering "Well, what does it do to you? How does it make you feel?". It can quite literally alter your mind. My symptoms are severe and can last for days. How I know I'm going into an "episode" is easy for me now, remember that I said easy to recognize, not that they are pleasant. I will start to see and hear things differently. Hearing things can seem muffled, or like someone is talking to you from another room. Vision change can be hard to describe, but the best way I can describe it is, you start seeing things in a somewhat hyper-real state, or that the world seems "not real". I think this is one of the most common symptoms for people who experience this, which is less than 2% of the population, by the way. Another thing that happens that is related to vision is, you feel like you are viewing things from a third person or out-of-body. Looking at yourself in the mirror, your friends, and even your children can feel unfamiliar. I remember looking in the mirror and even questioning if I was real. It can be alarming, and scary. When I would tell people I felt crazy. But I realized that I am not crazy. I am hurt. I am traumatized. The way my body deals with it is just inconvenient, honestly. I look at it like this... My brain is trying to protect me from all the pain, all the hurt, and make me feel like things are not real so I don't feel the pain. Being self-aware wants me to tell my brain to fucking stop the charade and let me hurt because I would rather be sad than feel like I don't exist. I have been working with my therapist to try to find breathing techniques that work or grounding exercises. I was even prescribed Lexapro, which I will be starting tonight. It's been a long journey, and I am even in an episode as I type this, but I know one day I will get better.

[aajjks]

Attention!jk “Are you okay?” he waits for her to respond.

“You don’t have to deal with things like that alone, you know. If he bothers you again…”

She looks up at him from her seat. She waits for some time to collect herself. And she's thankful that he's very patient with her.

“I... I am not okay. I physically don't feel okay at all. I'm so sick of this.” she says as she hides her face in her hands.

She feels like if she says anything more she'll break down in front of him.

Disgust fills her whole body as she's reminded of what happened that day.

A few days ago

Yn was walking towards the library.

Minho was kind enough to help her. She was not able to attend a few of her classes so she needed somebody's help to cover up those portions.

He asked her to meet him in the library at 6.

She looks around a little as she walks inside.

She spots him sitting in the far corner of the library.

“Hey. Thank you for this. Shall we start?” she says as she sits down next to him.

Everything was going well for the first hour but as the minutes passed by he started getting closer to her.

At first it was just an “accidental” brush of hands. Then it was the knees touching.

He thought that she couldn't tell what he was trying to do.

She knew exactly what he was doing.

He said something out of nowhere that had her frozen.

“I'd love to see those pretty lips wrapped around my cock.” he said with his hand over his crotch.

Disgust. That's all she felt.

Pure disgust.

He tried getting her to do it but luckily she ran away. Luck was on her side that day and she ran as fast as she could.

She doesn't even want to remember that incident.

She let out a sob involuntarily and it doesn't help that Jungkook is in front of her.

She doesn't want to cry in front of him however she can't help it. She's still very much shaken because of what happened.

How can anyone ever forget such an event?

His gaze softens immediately, and the protective instinct inside him flares, his entire body tense as if he’s ready to spring into action.

But he doesn’t move. He stays right there, close to you, waiting for you to speak, giving you all the space you need to collect yourself.

When you finally look up at him, he sees the pain in your eyes, the rawness that you’re trying so hard to hide. He listens to the shaky words that fall from your lips, and every part of him wants to make it stop, to erase whatever’s haunting you.

He watches in silence as you break down, your sob escaping you, and it hits him harder than he expects.

It shatters whatever wall he’s put up, the anger and protectiveness swirling inside him, the need to fix everything crashing against his chest.

He’s never seen you like this—vulnerable, shaken, hurt… and it rips him apart to know it’s because of someone else’s actions.

His voice is low, soft, but intense as he kneels beside you, careful not to crowd you but close enough to reach out if you want him to. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”

His words are sincere, full of empathy.

Jungkook doesn’t ask for more details. He knows you’re not ready to relive that nightmare,

His hand hovers near yours, close enough for you to take if you want the comfort of it.

“If you ever need me,” he says, his voice steady despite the anger still burning behind it,

“you don’t have to ask. I’m here. Always.” His gaze stays locked on yours, unwavering. He wants you to know he’ll protect you, no matter what it takes.

He takes a deep breath, trying to push down the rush of emotions flooding him. He won’t let you be alone in this.

Not ever again.

[lifewithoutmeds]

september 19, 2023

6:54 p.m.

the sun's starting to set earlier. it's setting around now, actually, and i'm typing in a fading light. also it's been about 10-20' cooler than it was about a week ago. the high's are in the mid to high 70's, the nights are cool, and i haven't had to turn on the a/c in about a week. i've also been able to go out on a couple lunch walks, which i hadn't previously, partly due to the weather, partly just because of my headspace.

i feel pretty uneasy lately. i know that the weather has something to do with it. as much as i appreciate how it's cooler, something about it kind of fills me with dread and extreme anxiety and sadness. it feels ... foreboding almost. like a blanket of darkness slowly descending, like i should be hiding the kids in some bunker, nervously looking back, hoping it won't catch up to me. it's a bizarre sensation.

i'm also remembering how much of this dissipated when jadai was here. cooler nights meant a blanket set up by the fireplace, and drinks and monopoly deal. it meant nights at shelby's with the dogs, with a movie on, with pumpkin carving and halloween music. now it's back to nothingness, the unsettledness.

week's recap:

thursday, 9/14/2023: went in to work, uncharacteristically on a thursday, due to a quarterly in-person asset management meeting. i worked a lot, as i do on in-office days, and our Pathway Home meeting ran late, until 6:30 p.m., and then joyce wanted a quick recap which took a few extra minutes. i ended up being quite late to dinner with stacy and catherine, but they had been waiting a bit so the food hadn't all been eaten, and i had some drinks and we all gave little recaps on our lives and catherine was so sweet, when i told her about my may mental breakdown, she said i should've reached out to her, and something to the extent of how when there's something ... i dunno, mature? authentic about my honestly in how i was dealing with the crap and sadness that is life, as opposed to pretending all was good. that was kind of nice to hear. i rarely hear anything good about my outtake on life. again though, it was really really good seeing them and i felt lucky to have been included.

friday, 9/15/2023: went fishing with tracy! i was debating this, since i haven't really felt like fishing in a while, it takes all day, and it gets pretty exhausting, but i figured with summer ending, with my few RDO's, and with tracy going back to work soon, there wouldn't be a ton more chances, so i'd go. and i'm really glad i did. we went out for a few hours, and i caught some perch, and got some sandcrabs and set up tracy with some giant sandcrabs with roe, and she got hit with a nice-sized guitarfish, which fought her pretty hard coming in. i was also slammed twice and my line actually snapped off at the hook, so i didn't know what hit it. it was pretty fun, and just nice to be knee deep in the water, with the hypnotic lull of the water, and seeing little things, the birds, an occasional seal. i dunno. it was kinda nice to be out there and kind of nice to reminded that there were still things that a little bit awakened my soul. afterward she was craving gyros, so we went to a place called gyromania which was pretty tasty but had the weirdest and most offputting customer service i've ever experienced. i don't even quite know how to describe it except Weird.

then we went to our respective homes, i rinsed off my legs, and then crashed, staring at my phone until night.

saturday, 9/16/2023: went with my mom to a few more open houses, none of which were impressive, then went out to lunch per usual, this time at house of joy where we got jamppong and tangsooyuk. it was good and we split the tangsooyuk and she took the jamppong leftovers home to mix up later with market noodles. i laid down for the rest of the day and didn't do any chores. just laid there and i started to feel the darkness, the horror slowly start creeping in. randomly lorena came by after work with some leftover sushi and we went to BJ's where we got some wings and beer and sad music was playing and she was showing me photos of a wedding that she and her gf had gone to in big bear the past weekend, and it completely triggered me: the wedding, big bear, i thought of how that would've been a nice place for jadai and me to get married and before i knew it, i was crying again. i eventually got out of it and saw my former waitress crush but she looked different this time and i felt kind of different about her.

sunday, 9/17/2023: absolutely nothing this day. just laid down. ate some leftovers. just nothing. my hand started hurting from holding my phone for so many consecutive hours. i felt anxious, unproductive, lazy, guilty, and also just again that deep dread, this weird anxiety and i finally took a gummy to help me sleep/not feel, and don't remember the rest of the night.

monday, 9/18/2023: had a hard time focusing for work. the day was a bit of a blur. afterward though i went to grace kim's in pasadena. maddy was being very sweet and cute, and steve got together some really delicious smoked/barbecued meat. they also served a salad and mashed potatoes, all fresh, from the farmer's market, all homemade, all really tasty. i also had a few beers and i was very sad and dark and cried a tiny bit. oh also i had a noon psychiatrist appointment and i cried and cried and she said that this was fairly normal for a break up to feel all the things.

tuesday, 9/19/2023: decided to be productive today. took out trash, picked up the mail, watered some plants, did three loads of dishes and three loads of laundry. walked to the bank, deposited a check my dad mailed me for my birthday, and also withdrew $100 in tens so i could pay my weekly work parking fee. talked a bit on the phone with lana, amir, and lorena, which was nice. i took another walk after work and listened to The Read, and i still felt pretty spooked, like just anxiety and dread gripping my soul, and like i had to keep catching my breath and forcing myself to take deep breaths, and i was a little discouraged at the fact that when i did nothing, i felt bad, and even when i did everything "right," i still didn't feel good. i'm hoping this is a passing feeling, as i have to remind myself that my circumstances haven't changed, only my feelings. and i just need to dig myself out, shovelful by shovelful.

looking ahead: wednesday, 9/20/2023: in office day. randomly got re-in touch with dana from the assessor's office, and we're planning on getting dim sum in chinatown for lunch tomorrow. i haven't seen her in forever but i'm very fond of her and we have a really similar sense of humor. she had a baby recently and has apparently been suffering from terrible anxiety, so we might have lots to catch up on.

thursday, 9/21/2023: will be coworking with danielle again in santa clarita valley. this will probably mean hanging out with her dog and going on a few walks, maybe ordering in lunch like last time. i really appreciate her and enjoy her company and i think we benefit from just being near each other to vent about our personal problems and feelings. she's been a really great and consistent friend these years.

friday, 9/22/2023: a short day at work, and will be taking off an hour to go to a midday doctor's appointment. i think i've lost a few pounds since my last visit so that should be good i guess.

saturday, 9/23/2023: caroline's baby shower in the morning, and hot flash in west hollywood at night. looking forward to both. the wholesomeness of the baby shower, and the debauchery of the night. my new friend kim from long beach bought a ticket, and LD might come too, so for once i might actually know other people at the event and not just hang around, desperate to find a friendly face.

again, today was frustrating. i was doing all of the things. dutifully walking back and forth every 45-50 minutes to pick up my laundry, etc., dutifully washing load after load of dishes, counting my calories, taking my walks, and it just felt so ... i dunno, dull? repetitive? and it takes so much to be healthy, it takes so much to feel fulfilled, and it's just so much monotony and drudgery. i need to work and eat healthily and make my bed, and scrub my toilet and take my walks and then take care of my mental health by talking to a friend, journaling, and watching The Office. it just feels like so much for so little. just feeling again, like i can't quite find the point and it's getting tiring, just round and round the wheel.

a part of me thinks that i'll find hope and joy again in a relationship. i'll have a reason to pick up a treat at the bakery and to browse a stationery store so i can write cards, a partner to go bicycling with, and play monopoly deal with on cold nights. someone to plan adventures with, and have plans every weekend. but i also know that as much as i want that, i need to be okay without that. i can't depend that much on anyone. and it's been really hard to figure out why, otherwise. it's so much upkeep with no ultimate purpose or meaning.

i'm finding myself returning to some older patterns: looking for travel deals, asking if i can tag along with others' plans and families. looking for volunteer opportunities. just looking, just ... trying to find something to do, some meaningful way to spend my time. i'm having a hard time feeling good right now, and it's doubly frustrating because i really am actively fighting it.

i ate soondubu for breakfast and lunch today, and had a spinach/fruit smoothie for dinner. i might eat a few carrots with dip later. i was losing weight for a while but a few days of haagen dazs and leftovers had me gaining it back. i'm hoping i could keep it off, and lose more. i want to dress better, and bought a couple shirts online from banana republic, and i somehow calendared a shopping day with lana in a few weeks. i realized that i dress as if i don't care about myself, the world, or how i'm perceived by others, because i don't care about them either. my whole posture is one of not really caring about existence, and i think it's a bit defeatist. i feel invisible, so i act invisible. must work on this.

[survey--s]

597.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Watching Below Deck and messing about online - pretty much the same as I'm doing now, lol.

What was the last thing you said aloud? "Simbeans, what are you doing?!" - to the kitten, lol.

Have you bought anything new this week? Just groceries.

Name one person who made you smile today. Jenn.

What’s the last thing you had to drink? Pepsi Max.

Ever go camping? Nope, it really doesn't appeal to me lol. I'd happily camp in like, an RV or a little camper van or something though.

What’s your favorite candy? Skittles.

Do you send messages on Facebook a lot? Yeah, I message people most days.

Have you ever gone to a strip club? Nope.

Last sporting event you watched? I have no idea, maybe some of the Wimbledon?

What were you doing at 8am this morning? Eating breakfast and scrolling TikTok.

Anything you wish you could change? How much it rains where I live.

Do you go in at a fast food place or drive thru? It depends. Normally we go in as it's quicker.

What do you think when you hear Australia? My family.

Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? My mum.

Do you like Chinese food over pizza? I love both - what I prefer to eat mainly just depends on my mood.

Do you have a tan? Yeah, I've been out in the sun all weeks.

Biggest annoyance in life right now? Having to work tomorrow when I want to be on holiday lol.

Do any of your friends have children? Yeah, a few of them do.

Are you jealous of anyone? Anyone lucky enough to own their own horse.

Where is your dad? I assume he's at home right now.

Any plans today? My day is pretty much over but I feel like it's been super-productive lol. I got up, sorted the animals, vacuumed, had breakfast, washed up, walked the dog, went to work, cleaned the kitchen (including the fridge and microwave), did two loads of laundry, showered, had lunch, sorted the food shop and cooked dinner lol. Now I'm just chilling out and watching TV.

Do you drink your soda with a straw? I do in restaurants but we don't have any straws at home.

Last song listened to? That Savage Daughter song that's going round TikTok.

Do you take vitamins daily? No.

Is anyone jealous of you? Not that I know of.

What are you doing tomorrow? Work until 1pm and then I've got SIXTEEN DAYS OFF. I cannot bloody wait. That's also why I got so much done today - so that when I finish tomorrow I can just relax.

What’s your favorite number? Thirteen.

Do you have a maid come in and clean your house? Hahah no.

Can you say the alphabet backwards? I probably could if I really thought it through.

Cedar Point or Six Flags? We don't have either of those over here.

Have you ever slept in until 1 PM? Yeah, I once slept in until 3pm lol. We'd flown to Australia and I hadn't slept at ALL on the flight, then we landed in Melbourne at like 5am and I had to stay awake ALL day. I crashed around 7pm and slept for nearly 24 straight hours haha.

Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

Do you like the show Viva La Bam? I have no idea what that show is.

How many kids do you want to have? ZERO.

Have you ever gone behind your parents' backs? Sure. I mean, who hasn't?

Have you ever lost someone? Of course.

Where did you get your worst scar from? Probably from being jumped at by a dog lol.

What time did you wake up today? 6am. Bleurgh.

Have you ever tried to erase someone from your memory? Sure. It doesn't work.

Last meal? I just had some sweet potato fries with BBQ sauce - before that I had some mango and watermelon.

Do you like coco pebbles the cereal? I assume that's like Coco Pops. I loved them as a kid but not so much nowadays.

Last time you saw your father? April? I think. I'll see him on Sunday though.

Last time you cried? I honestly don't remember.

Would you freak out if you were to get pregnant by the last person you hooked up with? I would freak out to be pregnant in general. I do NOT want a baby.

When’s the last time something turned out better than expected? Today in general. It's just been a really good day.

Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? People who let their dogs run up to mine.

Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No, my parents were both educated on the other side of the world.

What’s something you complain about frequently? ^^ dogs who are loose and out of control and bothering my dogs.

Do you have anything planned for the summer? Nope, not really.

Do you walk fast or slow? I'm a fast walker.

What form of public transport do you use most often? I don't use public transport.

Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Yeah, there's beer and cider. None of it's mine, though.

Is any part of you sad at all? Nope.

Who was the last person to disappoint you? I honestly don't remember.

Have you ever let someone go? Yes.

Are you a patient person? I'm patient with like, restaurant staff or if I'm stuck in traffic, but I get really impatient with other stuff.

Do you think you’ve changed over the past year? Definitely.

Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Not really. I'm generally pretty open with the right people.

Your ex is sitting next to you, what do you do? Well, that depends which ex.

Are you someone who worries too often? Not so much anymore. But I've definitely been guilty of that in the past.

Have you ever been completely alone with a boy in his room? lol, of course.

Do you ever think “what if” about anything? Of course, can't avoid those thoughts sometimes.

Is the last person you kissed older than you? Yes.

Does everyone deserve a second chance? Nope.

Are you emotionally strong? Yeah, I like to think so.

Is there anyone you don’t wanna lose? Of course.

Are you the type of person who seeks out revenge? No. I'm passive-aggressive sometimes when I know I'm in the right but plotting Actual Revenge just seems so childish at this point. <-- yeah, this sums it up pretty well.

Do you think two people can last forever? Sure.

Do you like falling asleep listening to the rain? Yeah, I find it really relaxing.

Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes.

Do you believe that the last person that you kissed cares for you? Yeah.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? I mean, I can't change any of them so there's no point feeling sad.

Do you honestly have feelings for someone at the moment? Yes.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as the opposite sex? Sure, every single night.

Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over? No.

Have you dated someone older than you? Yeah.

[feariteriu]

𝐃𝐫𝐮𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐲 — 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐬

—MasterList!

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: y/n gets a late night call from the boy that has her completely whipped, she’s confused as he rambles on drunken thoughts to her.

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: cursing, under age drinking? lol just really fluffy tbh.

𝗣𝗔𝗥𝗥𝗜𝗡𝗚: miles morales x female y/n

𝗔/𝗡: sorry it’s kinda long hope you like it!

—

Collapsing on your bed, you moved your arm to rest over your forehead. You were exhausted. The party you'd just gotten home from had completely drained you. You were moments away from falling asleep when your phone rang. Groaning, you lazily reached across your bed for it. "Hello?" you murmured, answering without bothering to check the ID. The sound of pounding music and muffled chatter echoed through the speaker. "Hello?" You repeated.

"Y/N!" Sitting up, you quickly checked the caller, "Miles?"

"Where are you?" His voice sounded slurred. "Are you drunk?"

"No-maybe-that's not the point."

"Are you still at the party?" you questioned, checking the time. "Do you need to be picked up or something?"

"No," he denied. "I need to know-" he paused for a moment. "I need to know where you are."

"Why? What's wrong?" Miles muttered something incoherent under his breath.

"Just tell me where you are!"

"I'm at home," you told him, confusion filling your face. "What's wrong?" He released a deep breath of relief, "When did you-when did you leave?"

"I don't know," you sighed. "Maybe half an hour ago?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I hadn't seen you for a while," you explained. "I didn't even know if you were still at the party. I thought maybe you'd left with someone."

He snorted, "As if I'd leave with any of these people," he muttered, trailing off into something you couldn't understand.

"Miles," you sighed, "you're drunk."

"So?"

"Can we please just talk tomorrow?" you requested, rubbing your temple. "Are you safe?" he asked you, his voice turning serious.

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought something had happened to you, I was looking everywhere," he explained. "No one could tell me where you were and I-I was really worried and I just-" he fumbled on.

"Miles, calm down," you instructed. "Take a breath." You held back your laughter as he followed your instructions, the action being much more dramatic than necessary. "Now, why were you worried?"

"Because I couldn't find you! I was looking everywhere," he repeated. "I'm sorry you got so concerned," you told him. "I promise you I'm okay."

"You promise?" His tone was much softer now, his voice so quiet it was barely audible over the background noise. "I promise, Miles," you smiled. "How much have you had to drink?" you inquired. "Just a little bit."

"A little bit?" you repeated, lying back down and turning onto your side. "Are you sure?"

"Maybe-maybe a little bit more than a little bit," he replied. "I take it you're still at the party?" you asked him, though you already knew the answer. "Mm-hmm."

"Did you need a lift home?" you offered. "I can come get you."

"No," he denied. "I'm crashing here tonight. A few of the others are too."

"Are you sure?" you asked, toying with your bedspread. "You sound like you're ready to go to bed," you told him honestly. "I don't think you'll be able to get any sleep there at the moment."

"I guess not," Miles agreed. "What are you doing?" you questioned, the background noise changing and becoming more muffled. "I'm going outside," he said. "There's a pool."

"Miles no! Don't get in the pool. You're probably too drunk to remember how to swim."

"That's not true," he muttered. "Oh shi-"

"What did you do?" you sighed. "Someone left their shoe in my way," he groaned. "Are you sure it wasn't your shoe? Did you fall?" you asked, unable to hide the amusement from your tone.

"Maybe."

"I'm going to ask once more, are you sure you don't want me to come back and get you?" There was silence from his end for a moment and you felt your heart pick up the pace.

"Miles?"

"I'm here," he whispered.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Keep talking," he instructed.

"Talking?"

"I like your voice." You could hear the smile behind his words. "It's a very nice voice."

"Thank you?" you laughed, not sure of how to respond. "I can't say I've ever been complimented on my voice before."

"You should have been," he responded. "It is a very nice voice," he said again. "With a very nice face to match.”

You and Miles had known each other for a very long time. You wouldn't ever admit it aloud, but he had always been the one who was able to make you smile and who was able to make the butterflies in your stomach come to life-especially when he said stuff like that. He definitely wasn’t aware of the effect he had on you if he did he would stop saying things like that right?

"Why aren't you talking?" From the tone of his voice, you could tell he was pouting. "Sorry," you smiled. "I'm talking now. Will you be okay tonight? I really want to come pick you up," you sighed out.

"I'll be all good," he responded, dragging out his words. "I've found myself a nice chair," he laughed, his laughter soon turning to giggles. "It's so comfy."

"I'm sure it is."

"You sound tired," Miles commented.

"That's because I am," you told him. "And I think you are too."

"I think I am, too. You're so smart. Did you know that? And very pretty. And you have an amazing voice."

"I think you should probably go get some sleep, Miles," you sighed, trying not to read too much into his words because of the state he was in. "I'll ring you tomorrow to check on you, okay?"

"Okay," he mumbled sadly. "You promise you'll ring me?"

"Of course."

"Pinky swear?"

"There's no other promise," you insisted. "Goodnight Miles."

"Goodnight (Y/N)!" Shaking your head, you rolled onto your back-opening your messages to text your friend who was still at the party, asking them to go check on Miles. Once they had replied, you tossed your phone to the side before sliding under your covers. You understood that Miles was under the influence of alcohol and that probably wouldn't remember the conversation you had just now.

You didn't want to get your hopes up, have any form of expectations. Pushing certain thoughts out of your mind, you hugged your pillow to your chest, closing your eyes-ready to fall asleep. Tomorrow you would ring Miles to check on him and you hoped by then your head would be clear.

. . .

Entering a small little cafe of his choice, you cast your eyes around trying to find Miles. Unable to find him in the cafe, you made your way towards the counter. "Hey," you greeted.

"Hi," she smiled. "What can I get for you?"

"Something strong and sweet please," you answered. "Has a black guy with dark curly hair and a dopey smile been in here yet?" She shook her head, "Sorry, haven't seen him. Go take a seat and I'll bring this out to you."

"Thanks," you told her, following her instructions. Taking a seat at the table with two chairs, quickly looking over at the door to see if Miles was nearby. You'd rang him earlier like you had told him you would do last night and you'd both made plans to meet up here.

The conversation hadn't lasted long, Miles had only just woken up when you called him and he was getting ready to go help clean up. He asked you to meet him at the cafe and you jumped at the chance. Pulling your phone out, you spent a few minutes replying to a friend before a steaming mug was placed in front of you.

"Thanks again."

"Let me know if there's anything else you need," she replied, heading back to the counter. You weren't sitting alone for long when Miles sat opposite to you. You jumped slightly in surprise at his arrival. "Hi," you chuckled, taking in his appearance. "You don't look..." you trailed off.

"Yeah I know," he sighed. "I think I may have gone over my limit a little yesterday," he admitted. He took a deep breath before resting his arms on the table, "Hi," he smiled finally.

"Besides the obvious...are you doing okay?" Miles nodded, "I guess, just a little embarrassed," he told you, his cheeks flushing. You raised an eyebrow, "What do you have to be embarrassed about?" you asked him.

He sent you a knowing look, "Last night," he clarified. "I'm sorry for disturbing you."

"Miles," you groaned. "You're one of my closest friends," you told him. "You weren't disturbing me, I'm just glad that you're okay."

"Right," he said, his tone almost sad as he muttered something under his breath. Before you could ask what was wrong, the waitress from before placed a drink in front of him, "You look like you need this," she laughed, walking off once more.

His hands immediately wrapped around the mug, "She's like a mind reader," he mumbled, taking a small sip. "Can I ask you something?" you questioned, almost hesitantly.

He nodded, confusion crossing his face for a brief moment. "You don't usually drink so much," you began, "and I was just wondering..." the boy sighed, "Why I ended up as smashed as I did?" You gave him a short nod.

"It's a little...stupid," he confessed, you could tell he was reluctant to divulge his reasoning to you. "It's okay," you said. "You don't need to tell me, I just hope nothing's wrong," reaching across the table to rest your hand on his. Noticing how his body tensed at your touch, you retracted your hand immediately. "Sorry," you squeaked.

He shook his head, "No, it's not-don't be," he insisted. "I uh-you rang because you were worried about me...do you remember?" He brought his hand to rest on the back of his neck, rubbing at it awkwardly, "Yeah...I remember. I thought maybe you'd left with one of the guys," he admitted.

Your brow furrowed, "Why would you think that?"

"I overheard-actually it doesn't matter," he told you. "I'm sorry about all that. Ringing you I mean."

"It's okay," you admitted. "It's good to know someone cares," you joked. "Of course, I care," he said softly. Smiling down at the table, you moved your hands to wrap around the mug in front of you. "Do you happen to remember what else you said?" you dared to ask, your face heating up at the thought.

Miles laughed, "Now I think you're just trying to embarrass me."

"So you don't?" you questioned, trying to hide the hurt from your tone. His expression turned serious, "No I-I do remember," he confirmed slowly. "All of it." Miles leaned back in his seat, "Last night I learned that I become very...vocal and honest when I drink."

"Honest?"

"Well you do have a very nice voice," he replied playfully. "And an equally pretty face." You could feel your face redden further, making him laugh. "It turns out drunk me has more confidence around you than sober me."

"What do you mean?" The boy's smile turned shy, "It seems I'm much more likely to spill certain things," he hinted. "I don't understand," you replied.

"Don't worry about it."

"Okay..." you drawled. "Did you end up sleeping out on the pool chair?" you questioned. Miles shook his head, "F/N helped me find an actual bed, thank you for that by the way," he said, giving you a knowing look.

You shrugged innocently, "A pool chair is not a good place to spend the night," you commented. "I owe you for that," he continued.

Scoffing, you take another sip of your drink, "That's not necessary. Like I said, we're friends." The hurt that flashed across his face matched the feeling that had risen within you at your words. "Friends," he sighed under his breath.

Miles seemed to be in the middle of a debate with himself. "Are you okay?" you asked, the concern evident in your voice.

"Actually," he announced, "I want to ask you something...I was talking with F/N last night, and she kind of helped me realize a few things," he admitted. "And if I read into her words correctly... then I think..." He found it hard to finish what he was trying to say.

"What is it?" you laughed nervously. "I'm just going to say it," Miles told you. "Right now. Out loud." Not wanting to interrupt his thoughts, you both fall into a small period of silence.

"I like you," he blurted out.

"What?"

"I like you," he repeated, meeting your eyes.

"I like you too, Miles," you insisted, tilting your head.

"No," he smiled, amused at how oblivious you could be, "I like you."

"Oh." Miles suddenly grew nervous, "That's your only response?" he asked. You moved your hands to rest on your lap, "I don't really know what to say," you said slowly.

He took your words as a sign that you didn't feel the same way. "Right, I'm sorry," he laughed. "Just forget I said anything," he said, averting his eyes from you. "No!" you shouted, feeling your cheeks heat once more-not meaning to be so loud. "Sorry...I just-you took me by surprise. I was just...not expecting you to say that."

"Is the concept of me like you so hard to imagine?" he joked, but the nerves behind his eyes were still there. "No...what's hard to imagine," you told him, "is that you feel the same about me as I do about you."

The boy's mouth parted slightly, "Wait..." You laughed at his expression. "You like me too?" he grinned. Nodding, you wrapped your arms around yourself loosely, "For longer than I think I want to admit," you told him bashfully.

He beamed at your words, "So...does this mean you'll go on a date with me?" he questioned hopefully. Chuckling, you found yourself staring into his eyes, "I would love to go on a date with you, Miles."

…

“I just realized we never paid for our drinks.”

[so-mordor-itis]

Lost & Found

Synopsis: Taking place after the events of season 4, Eddie is still wanted despite the gates splitting open half of Hawkins. In order to prevent him from being arrested, you offered to drive him to your vacation house in Nashville, Indiana. Though, being there forced you to confront your own demons.

Word count: 9.3k

TW: Season 4 spoilers ahead!

A/N: Hey y'all, I'm very proud of this. This fic has been my baby and one of the biggest projects I've ever worked on. I hope you enjoy it!

This fic is entirely based off this Stephen King quote from IT: "Calling it a simple schoolgirl crush was like saying a Rolls-Royce was a vehicle with four wheels, something like a hay-wagon. She did not giggle wildly and blush when she saw him, nor did she chalk his name on trees or write it on the walls of the Kissing Bridge. She simply lived with his face in her heart all the time, a kind of sweet, hurtful ache. She would have died for him."

I would also like to tag these lovely individuals, who cheered me on and supported this fic from day one: @flamingo-writes​ , @inaflashimagine​ , @gonuclear​

The car ride had been long. You offered to drive, knowing you were in a better mental state and the idea of Eddie driving your car made you nervous. He was known for his reckless driving habits, and while you wanted to trust Eddie with many things, some things were off the table.

You took a glance at the passenger’s seat. Eddie was slumped over, his eyes closed. He had fallen asleep. The trip from Hawkins to Nashville, Indiana had been about 3 hours. He deserved the rest, if anything. The poor guy didn’t have much to do besides talking to you about recent events for the first half-hour. He did fidget in his seat a few times, but it felt as if he was holding back his complaints. Throughout everything, it seemed he didn’t want to come across as ungrateful. 

The rest of the trip had been in total silence, which you didn’t particularly mind. (Dustin also promised to keep you two updated about everything going on in Hawkins, but his last update was an hour ago. Eddie probably looked forward to hearing the freshman’s ramblings.) 

–

The aftermath of the Upside Down took its toll on everyone. Even poor Erica Sinclair had a defeated look on her face for a good chunk of time. 

The reality of it all came crashing down when you realized there was still an important detail: Eddie. Dustin had visited the community center, and found a wanted poster with his face on it–though it had been covered in graffiti. Clearing his name became a milestone. 

When it came to a place to stay, Eddie didn't exactly have many options: Mike couldn't let him stay in his basement. Karen Wheeler became more and more alert since the earthquakes–and remembering Mike was in Hellfire. You recalled him explaining the monstrous scolding he received. Dustin's was absolutely a no; his mom became so paranoid she almost wrapped him in bubble wrap. Lucas's mom would beat the shit out of Eddie the first moment she saw him. (Lucas was more focused on Max at the time. He visited her almost daily.) El did try to offer him a place on Jim Hopper's couch, but Eddie refused. Saying it didn't feel right. He barely knew her, and Hopper didn't exactly hide his distrust in Eddie in the past. The latter he didn’t outright say, but the look on his face suggested it.  

"You can stay with me, for the time being." You offered. Eddie shook his head. 

"Don't you live smack dab in the middle of town? I'd get noticed immediately." 

"I can sneak you in for a few days," you said stubbornly, getting ready to argue it was possible. Which it was. Challenging? Absolutely, but doable.

"Wait, (Y/n)," Nancy uttered your name in a serious tone. You almost jumped. 

"Yeah?"

"Didn't you say your parents bought a vacation house in Nashville?" 

–

You took a glance at your watch, 4:30. 

Right on que, the walkie-talkie Dustin gave you started making a fuzzy, static-filled sound. 

“Hey, Eddie, (Y/n),” Dustin called. You were about to reach for the device, but realized you were driving. 

“Are you guys there yet?” 

“Hello?” 

Since your hands were currently preoccupied, you leaned over slightly towards Eddie. “Hey.” 

No response.

“Munson.”

Still nothing. 

“Eddie!”

The man staggered, sitting up immediately. “Huh–what?”

“Please don’t tell me you guys got into an accident.” Dustin’s voice sounded so concerned, so desperate, you felt a ball of pressure fill your chest. Ever since Eddie’s encounter with the bats in the Upside Down, Dustin grew more attached to him than ever. You could tell he felt guilty for the attack; saw it right in his eyes. 

“Answer him before he has a heart attack.” You told Eddie. “I would, but I cannot.” You took one hand off of the steering wheel to make a gesture. Eddie took the walkie-talkie and pressed a button.

“Hey, hey Henderson,” Eddie spoke gently, “We’re okay, dude.”

“Oh thank God!” 

“I fell asleep sorry man, the trip has been…a bit boring.” 

You suppressed the urge to roll your eyes. 

"At least you're safe. The fact you're bored relieves me actually."

Eddie hesitated for a second, then fell silent. He couldn't argue with him. 

"Anything going on at Hawkins?" You asked.

"Nothing too noteworthy, but we've been coming up with some theories. And, uh, none of them have been too great." 

"Don't tell me," Eddie sighed, rubbing an eye with his free hand. "The weird gate thingies are now gonna spread outwards?" 

"Do you want the good news or bad news?"

"Bad news first, just get it out of the way," you responded, Eddie nodded in agreement, not realizing Dustin couldn't see him.

"Vecna definitely wants the gates to spread. It wouldn't make sense otherwise." 

Eddie glanced at you with what seemed to be pure anxiety, you matched his gaze with a glance to the side. Why else would Vecna need four gates instead of only one? Of course, he wanted them to spread. 

“Should we go back?” You pressed, and your grip on the steering wheel tightened.

“No. It would only waste your guys' time since you’re nearly there already.” 

“Henderson–Dustin–come on dude,” Eddie said, astonished, “What if you guys need some extra backup?”

“Eddie, the police here are still after you,” Dustin replied, his voice now irritated. “I overheard them saying they’re going to report to other stations to look for a male, long brown scraggly hair, with a t-shirt that says “Hellfire Club”.” 

Eddie glanced down at his current outfit: leather jacket- t-shirt combo, the t-shirt having their very club logo. He was still wearing the same thing since Monday. 

“Guess we have no choice,” you told him, still peering ahead. "If anything comes up, though, we’re heading straight back to Hawkins.”

“Roger,” Dustin said, you wanted to imagine him saluting, or doing something else dorkish. Anything to bring some positivity to your thoughts. 

"What's the good news?" Eddie asked.

"The good news is, no Demogorgons or Demodogs have entered Hawkins yet." 

"So the apocalypse hasn't started yet." You commented. Eddie furrowed his brow and mouthed 'Demodogs?' with confusion. You shrugged. “Don’t look at me.”

"Did Mike or Lucas not explain anything to you–ah, I gotta go guys. Something came up."

"Report back soon, Dustin," Eddie said sternly. 

"I will. You guys stay safe yourselves. I don't want to have to say I told you so." (You rolled your eyes at that.)

You both shared a glance. ‘That kid.’

“Great,” Eddie grumbled, he slouched in the seat. “More sitting around, twiddling my thumbs.”

You didn’t know how to respond, knowing all too well trying to be positive would only rub more salt into his wounds. 

–

The vacation house your parents bought in 79’ was painted white. It used to be a more beige color, but your dad had explained your mom couldn’t handle it so they hired painters to give it an entire makeover. It definitely was bright. Almost like a beacon. Once you had parked and gotten out of the car, it was practically written all over Eddie’s face how he felt about the house. 

“That’s…”

“Bright?” You finished his sentence, “Yeah, I know.”

“Are you sure this is the best place to hide someone who’s wanted basically all across Indiana?” 

You shrugged. “That's all we got for right now. Besides, I think we’ll be okay.” You also tossed him a look. “And you’re not wanted all over Indiana.”

“Police stations spread like wildfire.” 

“Only in the movies. In real life, they’re lazy as hell. Remember Ted Bundy?” 

“They still caught him.”

“Yeah, only like 4 years later.” 

Your true crime discussion ended right after you opened the trunk. With only a little amount of time, you and he managed to get a few things. Eddie had brought up his trailer, but Lucas told him because of the gates, his trailer had been completely demolished. The man looked devastated. 

(“My uncle’s okay, right? Right?” Eddie paced back and forth. “For the love of God tell me he’s okay!"

Dustin held up his hands. “Eddie, Eddie, he’s okay. He’s at the shelter in town.” 

Eddie looked so relieved you were sure he would’ve started crying. You knew how close he was to his uncle; the man fought tooth and nail for Eddie. He could easily replace the items he lost, you knew that, but his uncle would be irreplaceable. 

“I have to let him know I’m okay,” Eddie continued, he had his face in his hands. “Is there any way I can go talk to him? Like at all?”

“I’ve already told him you were okay,” Dustin said. “It’s all taken care of.”)

You went on ahead, glancing backward at Eddie a few times. He was limping–his leg got bitten up quite a bit. "You okay?" 

"Hurts, but I'll be fine," Eddie remarked. He finally caught up, rolling his suitcase behind him. 

"We'll have to change your bandage soon."

Eddie's expression immediately dipped into dread. His lips curved down into a frown. "Yippee."

“Sorry, Ed,” you gave him a sympathetic look, not even realizing what you called him. 

“Wow,” He coughed, surprised.

"What?"

"Nothing…it's just been a while since you've called me that." 

You wanted to give an excuse, but the reality was the name slipped out. It had been nailed into your subconscious, and despite how much time went by, it still stuck. 

"Yeah, well," you mumbled, fiddling with your keys trying to remember which one belonged to this house. "This trip is full of nostalgia, I guess." 

The noise of the lock clicking behind the door was enough to give you a flashback: You were carrying a beach ball, had just put on new roller skates you got for your birthday, and your mom had been wearing a pink summer dress with sunflowers on it. Your dad wore this weird white t-shirt he claimed was in style at the time. ("We'll be staying for a week at least," you recalled your dad saying. Weeks felt like months back then, months felt like years.)

The inside of the house was the exact same as it was when you last left it. White cloths cover the furniture to prevent dust, and withered flowers still in the planters. Leftover Christmas lights still hung from the railing of the staircase. You nearly smiled at that, your mom didn't exactly like having to take those down. She liked Christmas all year long. Even if it bugged you that it was currently on the tail end of March, you wouldn’t have the heart to remove them. 

"Fancy place," Eddie commented from behind you.  

Attempting to lighten up the mood, you curled your arm a little like a butler shown in movies. "Would you like a house tour?" You will admit, it was awkward. 

Eddie caught on to your charade and snorted. It relieved you to see him smile, even if it was just a little. He had been wary; finger fiddling with the hem of his sleeve, his foot tapping aggressively. Anxious, waiting. Eddie was anticipating more bad news from Dustin, and it showed. 

You knew the feeling, and distractions proved to be the best medicine. 

"Why of course, it's rare to see the (L/n) vacation house in action." He responded, following along, albeit somewhat hesitantly. You nodded. Eddie took off his jacket and placed it on the coat hanger, only to reel back his hand when it got caught in a spiderweb. "After one hell of a cleaning montage, Jesus Christ."

You bit your lips to prevent a laugh from escaping. Eddie's expression became exasperated. 

"Hey, listen, spiders are evil creatures of the night." 

"I think that's just your DnD brain talking."

"I'm just saying–one bite from a black widow and I could be a goner." Eddie had glanced back at the spider web-filled coat hanger. "I could turn into a giant bug, or…become a demodog…? Is that what Dustin called it?" He then shook his head. "What in the hell type of name is that?"

–

Eddie had been right about a cleaning montage. You opened the fridge only to find 5-year-old cans of soda, moldy bread–which made you gag, and some cans of beer you were sure would make you start seeing things if you were to drink it. (Eddie said he'd take one for the team, but you only gave him a look that said 'Don't you dare.’) 

Nancy had hypothesized you two would only be there for a week, maybe a little bit more if they could plan out a way to clear Eddie's name. Robin had definitely voiced her doubts, which made you nervous. You packed a bit extra while no one was looking. Canned foods, TV dinners that probably had melted but you didn't care. The freezer was working. Eggos (courtesy of El, she said they always helped her feel better. You took her word for it.), and beer that wouldn't make you see things. After this week, you knew you'd need a can or two. 

Eddie had taken a look around the living room, announcing his displeasure about more cobwebs. You had checked if the place still had running water. It did, thankfully. 

The tour took you two upstairs, four rooms awaited: the master bedroom, your old room, and two bathrooms to accommodate each. You offered Eddie the master bedroom thinking he’d want to sleep in an actual bed, but he dismissed your offer, stating he’d feel more comfortable on one of the couches. 

“It’s a bed though,” you argued, eyebrows raised to get your point across. 

Eddie exhaled loudly. “Yes, I know it’s an actual bed, but it’s an actual bed your parents slept on. I would feel so fucking weird.”

“You know what, that’s fair.” 

“Yeah,” Eddie proclaimed, he nodded intensely.

He approached your room, but you didn’t let him in. The last time you were there, you were 12, and your tastes were…different than now. The last thing you wanted him to see was a pink bed, with pink covers and a pink blanket that had cupcakes on it, the cupcakes even had unicorns. Eddie looked at you suspiciously. 

“What, do you have a Tom Cruise poster in there or something?”

“Well, you’ll never find out will you?” You said, walking away from the room, hoping to God above he wasn’t rebellious and opened it anyway. 

He did. 

“You do have one!” Eddie announced. He had opened the door just a tad to at least peek in. 

“Munson!” You snapped, your face was suddenly on fire, eyes blown wide. You couldn’t believe him. Always a troublemaker. 

“Sorry, sorry, I let my curiosity take over. Nice blanket by the way.” He winked as he passed you on the staircase. Your face got even warmer somehow. 

“I’m gonna kill you.” 

“I’m serious! Cupcakes–” 

“Stop. Not one word.” You pointed a warning finger at his chest. He held his hands up in surrender. 

While you were annoyed about his peeping, a strange feeling formed in your chest. 

Talking to him felt nice. 

–

You had decided to sleep in your old room that night. Not purely for nostalgia, but to look out on the ground below in case anything looked suspicious. You wanted to be positive you weren’t followed by police cars for those long hours. Though, it could’ve been your anxiety gnawing at you–telling you to look for shadows that weren’t there. This time you let it win. Sleep didn’t want to come easily, anyway. Not with Eddie right downstairs. 

***

You two had met in middle school. It was 8th grade, and the talent show in February had just been announced. You wanted to skip it, despite your mother's constant pleading. She wanted you to make friends, or at least try, you recalled her stating loudly. 

“If you watch the other kids, you might get curious and want to meet one!” She followed, frying pan in one hand, and non-stick spray in the other. You rolled your eyes; she had never met any of the kids at that school. They were stuck-ups who thought they were better than everyone else. You were positive you didn’t want to become friends with people you wanted to punch in the jaw. (Jason Carver was on the top of your hitlist. He was only a 6th grader then and still had that high and mighty attitude. Steve Harrington had some potential, but you also wanted to give him a smack.) 

The talent show itself was being held after school at 6:00 sharp. Your mom dropped you off at 5:45–a push (more like a shove) forward you could say. 

Eddie and his band: Corroded Coffin, was out front, making sure to sign in. The teacher who had the checklist–Mrs. Berry–had a weird look on her face. Eddie had a buzz cut then, his other bandmates the same besides one who had a small ponytail. It seemed Mrs. Berry was hesitant to let them play; every teacher was hesitant around Eddie. Even when he was 13 and had a baby face that was just starting to sprout pimples. (It still made you laugh, thinking about it. A middle-aged woman intimidated by a 13-year-old with acne.) 

You don’t remember exactly when he approached you, or when you approached him, yet the next thing you knew, you were listening to him play the guitar on stage. He wasn’t half bad either, had some talent in him. While you didn’t recognize the song–Metallica maybe? Eddie Van Halen?--you still nodded along.

If only everyone else saw him the way you did that night. 

Eddie invited you to hang out after the show ended, and you found a friend. 

He was the rockstar, and you were his biggest fan. 

That is, until the summer of 81. 

Your parents had divorced, just as you turned 14. You figured something was wrong; your dad had been a little too nice to you that entire week, even offering to buy a new poster for you despite previously protesting you were too young to have a poster of a celebrity. Your mom had been distant, avoiding any topics relating to your dad. She offered you ice cream even after you got a C- in Math. 

“You’ll be living with your mom, but you’ll still see me on weekends.” Your dad told you the week the divorce had been finalized, he had a pained look on his face. “If you’re confused, honey, tell me.”

“I’m not confused,” you told him, eyes foggy. “I’m just disappointed.” 

The look on his face became more painful. He hugged you tightly, before saying goodbye. Your mom squeezed your shoulder as you watched his truck drive down the road, not realizing how much harder things would become. 

Your dad died a year later, in a nasty wreck. He had been in the hospital for a week before the doctors had to declare him brain dead. 

The second your mom answered that phone call, everything shifted. You no longer could smile without feeling guilty. 

The last time you had talked to Eddie Munson, was the day your mom drank a full bottle of whiskey. He had a worried look on his face. 

“Everything okay, shortie?” 

You only nodded. “Yeah.”

High School passed in an awful blur, and you found yourself with two jobs, helping your mom pay bills. The vacation house bills included. 

You had only encountered Eddie when you saw him at lunch, or heard about Hellfire Club.

***

You didn’t even realize you had fallen asleep. Sunlight peeked from the hill over yonder, forcing you awake. Spots of yellow and orange attacked your eyes.

Groaning, you lifted your head up, noticing your neck felt stiff. It only hit you then–you didn’t sleep on the pillow covered in pink cupcakes. Your head slept on the wall near the window sill. Sometime between watching outside for police cars and going through possible scenarios you dozed off. 

You remembered your father’s face, and you sighed. It surprised you: the last time you had dreamt of your dad, it was senior year, and you had graduated. You remember looking out at the crowd, trying your best to look ecstatic about your future. Your mom wasn’t there. That night you forced yourself not to cry. 

You rubbed your eyes in an attempt to distract yourself. It wouldn’t do any good to feel sad now. Eddie needed positivity in these times. Your troubles would only make him feel worse–that’s the kind of guy he was. He acted silly and held his chin up high to look intimidating, but he was a true softie deep down. When he cared, he cared.

“Everything okay, shortie?” 

Taking a deep breath, you removed the covers. You took one more look outside before moving downstairs. 

Eddie was still asleep. You guessed he passed out cold as soon as you said goodnight, his snores echoed throughout the quiet living room. You sighed through your nose–he would be the type to snore. 

Scrambling through the cabinets, you found a toaster, miraculously. You didn't even want to ponder about how old it was. You just wanted to know if the damn thing still functioned. 

After blowing some of the dust out, you plugged it in, took two of El's recommended Eggos out, and plopped the bad boys right in. The toaster didn't start smoking, at least. (Syrup would’ve been nice.)

When the Eggos were done, you took them out and placed them on one of the plates you found in the cabinets. You half expected to hear Eddie wake up from all the noise you were making, but he slept like a log. 

Before you took your meal upstairs, you grabbed the walkie-talkie Dustin gave you. It was still early, but maybe someone would answer. 

Sitting on the floor of your room, you put the plate down and took a bite from an Eggo. You pressed a button on the walkie-and-talkie right after. 

"Hello? Anyone there?" 

No answer. 

"If anyone can hear this, it's (Y/n). Eddie and I are safe." You took another bite of Eggo. 

Nothing. You guessed everyone was asleep.

"(Y/n)?" A groggy voice came through. It was Nancy. "It's Nancy." 

"Hey Nance," you responded, relief in your tone. "Eddie and I made it to the vacation house okay." 

"Okay, good to hear."

"Any progress on clearing his name?"

You heard Nancy sigh, probably in thought. She had been dealing with a good chunk of pressure herself. She admitted to you her doubts about Jonathan, and then about what Steve said. She claimed she wanted another person's perspective. You looked her straight in the eye while stating she was in a love triangle. 

"Nothing yet. It doesn't help that Jason Carver's body was never found in the rubble of the Creel house." 

No. No, it did not. 

"How's Eddie been holding up?" Nancy questioned.

"He's been nervous. I frankly don't blame him."

"Neither do I. I can only imagine how he's feeling." 

"Yeah," you said, remembering the look on Eddie’s face the day prior. "Hey, you should go get some more rest. You sound exhausted."

"Was it that obvious?" 

"I mean, considering the apocalypse is threatening to start, Eddie is still wanted, and you're currently going through what seems like a love triangle…yeah." You said bluntly. 

"It's…It's not a love triangle," Nancy argued. A shuffling sound was heard in the background. 

“Nancy is that (Y/n)?” It was Dustin’s voice. 

“Yeah, here,” More shuffling could be heard before Dustin’s loud voice echoed through. 

“(Y/n)!” 

“Hey Dustin, you wanted to check in on Eddie right?” You asked, a small smile on your features. “He’s asleep right now. Down for the count.”

You heard Dustin scoff. “Alright.” He sounded so disappointed. 

“When he wakes up I’ll be sure to tell him you wanted to talk. It’s sweet how much you care for him.” 

“...(Y/n)?”

“What’s up?” His tone of voice made your hands clammy. 

“Thank you for driving him there. For helping him.”

Your smile widened a bit. “You don’t need to thank me, Dustin.” 

It was the least you could do, anyway. 

–

The next few days were brutal. Without much to do, Eddie was becoming antsier. He became glued to the walkie-talkie, desperate to hear Dustin tell him anything about his uncle, about how clearing his name was going. Anything. You felt he would even be happy just to hear the freshman speak. 

It didn't help that you were quiet most of the time. Despite the little quips you two shared, you were hesitant to say anything. What was there to say? "Hey Eddie, it's been at least 5 years since we've actually spoken. Wanna catch up?" The idea of talking to him about the past made your stomach churn. 

It had been a while since Dustin’s last update, and you found yourself growing anxious. There was too little to do–besides the books you had brought with you, nothing was satisfying your boredom's hunger. Eddie had it even worse. He was limping as he paced back and forth. 

You couldn't take it anymore. 

Taking a deep breath, you gathered the courage to walk into your father's study. Even during vacation, your dad brought his work along with him. He took files, notepads, anything he could to at least keep up with whatever project he was scribbling about. 

It's also where he kept his old TV. 

Walking through the door frame, your heart fell to your stomach. His portrait was still there, and it was enough to make your chest ache. You recognized that warm look in his eyes; you were told by your mom consistently that you had his eyes as if you stole them right from him. She used to say it teasingly, but after a while, the statement turned bitter. 

You avoided eye contact with the painting and peered around the room. It felt like a miniature library with how many books he stuffed onto his shelves. 

Curiously you grazed your fingers along the spines of a few that were right beside you. Stephen King. You let out a small snicker. Of course, he'd grab a few of King's books. A writer often gravitated toward him for inspiration after all. 

"There you are," Eddie's voice caused you to stumble over, knocking over some of the books. 

"Jesus Christ, Eddie!" You hollered. "Warn me next time." 

"Sorry, sorry," The poor guy looked so guilty you couldn't stay angry at him.

"It's okay, I'm just jumpy." 

"What even is this room, anyway?" 

"My dad's old study," you explained. "He was a writer, and often fell into his work even during vacation."

"He had a study? A study? All to himself, in a vacation house." He had a look on his face that was a mix of jealousy and shock. You fidgeted. 

"Don't look at me like that, we weren't rich. We were…comfortable." 

"That's…" He stopped himself from saying anything and you felt your shoulders slump in relief. "Anyway, what are you doing? You suddenly vanished on me and I had a damn near heart attack." 

"I'm sorry," you mumbled. "I was looking for his old TV. I wanted to see if the shitty thing still worked." 

"Oh thank God, I was wondering where your TV was." Eddie sighed. 

"My mom didn't want me getting too attached to one, but my dad bought one in secret." You wanted to chuckle. That probably didn't go down well if she had already discovered it. Yet your dad was a risk taker. 

"Oh, this old thing?" Eddie asked, he approached your dad's television with a slight limp. He examined it from the sides, and then up and down. "Should still work if we give it a few smacks."

***

Fortunately, it did indeed work after the 15th smack. You both let out a cheer when the static-filled screen changed to a news station. The bad news was it mostly covered news from Nashville. Nothing from Hawkins. The good news is it did play Happy Days. 

"At least we have sitcoms." You offered. Eddie just sighed. 

"I guess it's better than twiddling my thumbs waiting for Dustin–the shithead probably forgot to clock in." 

Eddie was right, it had been a few days. 

–

An idea began to form in your brain while you grabbed a Salisbury steak TV dinner for lunch. Would it be harmful to go out to get food? To do some shopping? Your supply was really starting to run low, even after skipping a few meals. You did also have some spare cash on you…

It was a lot of back and forth between your thoughts, your stomach added itself into the discussion when it growled. You took a deep breath before rubbing the sides of your temple. 

"Hey, Eddie," you called to him, "How do you feel about, uh, going out?" 

You watched as he turned his head to you, the look on his face was bewildered. He thought you were insane, you knew it. 

"Did you lose your mind somewhere as we were driving up here?" He remarked, you looked at him unenthusiastically. "I thought by hiding me here we were trying to get ourselves not discovered." 

"Real news, smart-ass, is that we're running out of food," you told him, his face sagged in realization. "No food equals starving." 

"Goddammit," he mumbled, "For fuck's sake!"

"So, we can either do one of two things: One, you stay here while I go. Two: We both go." 

"Honestly, (Y/n), the idea of sitting here in this house by myself makes me want to go nuts." 

You shrugged, standing up from your seat. "There's a new mall that just opened in town. Guess we've got that plan." You glanced back at his hair, and Dustin’s warning echoed in your head. "Male, long, brown scraggly hair with a t-shirt that says "Hellfire Club."

Eddie’s hair could prove to be an issue. 

"One problem," you said to him. 

Eddie looked confused. 

"Your hair, Eddie," 

"What about it?" 

"You're not gonna like this but we might have to cut it," 

"What–no. No way." 

"Either that or stuff your hair inside a hat." 

"You're joking, right? There's such an obvious choice here."

Stubborn, as ever. Deep down you knew you missed his flare for the dramatics. He always had a witty remark somewhere. 

"Here then," you told him. You began to trek up the stairs, a goal in mind. You searched your room for a hair tie, before rummaging through the master bedroom for a hat. You paused after seeing your dad’s old baseball cap. It was worn through, possibly eaten by moths, but it worked. 

The moment you reached his spot on the couch, you tossed them both to him. "Let's go." 

—

You made sure to bring the walkie-talkie with you, just in case Dustin made an impromptu check-in. Like the car ride up here, Eddie kept it close by–on the floor next to his foot. You could hear Dustin scolding the two of you for risking everything, however, you were prepared to counter his fit with, "You try surviving off of TV dinners and Eggos for a week, Dustin." 

The car ride was not too long, this time. Eddie had been facing the road, a bored expression written on his features. Being so used to his wild hair covering the sides of his face, seeing him with a ponytail felt strange–as if his face was completely exposed. 

You pulled into the parking lot of the mall, anxiety increasing once you spotted a police car parked directly outside. "Are you kidding me?" 

"What?" Eddie asked, you nudge your head towards the car shining red and blue. He goes pale. 

"Well that's just fucking great." 

"You might have to stay in the car, Eddie." 

"And do what? Watch other people go in?" 

"I have a few books in my glove box." You gestured towards the compartment. "You read sometimes right?" 

Eddie looked at you like you said the stupidest thing. "I run a DND club, of course I read." 

You gave him an embarrassed smile. "Alright, alright. Quit looking at me like that." You waved your hand at him before closing the door. He watched your figure walk into the mall until you disappeared through the sliding glass doors. 

Eddie sighed through his nose before opening the glove box in front of him. A lot of junk welcomed him. Letters you haven't opened, gum wrappers, he raised an eyebrow seeing a lighter–you smoked? 

Something made him pause his rummaging. A book with a used spine, so used it could've fallen apart in his hand right then and there. 

The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien. 

"No way," said Eddie in awe. He took a second to examine the novel. It felt like a used library book, but didn't have the markings like one would. You bought this, possibly years ago. "You shithead." Eddie smiled, before opening the book. 

He didn't mind reading it again. It was one of his favorites.

–

You were taking a long time, you knew you were. Luckily there was a mini mart in front of the mall; you grabbed more eggos, some TV dinners that weren't Salisbury steaks, and paid for them in cash. 

Just as you were heading out, you spotted a bookstore: Barb's Books. You bit your lip. No. I don't need to go look. Eddie is literally waiting for me.

You went in. 

It wasn't a big bookstore, relatively small in comparison to the size of the mall. It probably only took up a small corner.

What am I doing?

"Can I help you, dear?" An older woman asked. She was sitting at the register, a Danielle Steel book in her hands. You shook your head. 

"No thank you, I'm just browsing." And getting ready for Eddie to kick my ass.

"Oh, okay." She smiled at you, then went back to the pages in front of her. 

You gravitated toward the sci-fi and fantasy section, noticing a little stand for Stephen King and Margaret Atwood. 

When your eyes landed on a copy of The Lord of The Rings, you remembered Lucas telling Eddie his trailer was destroyed after the gate split open. You weren't hesitant to grab it off the shelf. 

A small apology, you thought. 

"There you are," a voice hissed. You turned around to see an annoyed Eddie. He had his hands on his hips. You blinked at him.

"Are you insane you fucking moron?" You whispered to him, hoping the sweet old lady at the register didn't hear you. Eddie gave you the same expression you were giving him. 

"Am I insane? You're the one who said you'd be right back 45 minutes ago!" 

"I just…" you glanced at the book sheltered under your arm. "I needed to grab something." 

Eddie rubbed his forehead. "Okay, okay I'm sorry. I'm just on edge right now." You had to hold back your surprise that he didn't kill you on the spot.

"I don't blame you," you handed him your grocery bags. "Here, can you take these while I pay for something?" 

"What am I, a butler?"

"Eddie," you gave him a pleading look. 

"Alright, alright fine," he snatched the plastic bags kind of aggressively. You warned him not to break the bags before he walked to the entrance of the store. He looked both ways and then not-so-subtly walked out. 

The older lady gave you another smile as you paid for the book. You wanted to tip, but you had to save every penny. You just gave her a smile in return. 

On your way out, you heard her say, "That young man cares about you." 

–

He was in the car when you approached it, arms crossed. Eddie had been known for his impatient streak. 

You opened the driver's side door, smiling awkwardly. "I'm sorry." You slid into the seat, he eyed you with annoyance, but also a bit of curiosity. 

"What book was so important you needed to take a detour?" 

You licked your lips before handing over the plastic bag with the "Barb's Books" logo on it. "It's not for me." 

Eddie glanced at the bag, then at you, then at the bag again. He fiddled with it before taking the contents out. 

You scratched your cheek, unable to look him in the eye. "I heard what Sinclair said about your trailer and…I don't know. I felt like you could use another copy." 

Eddie peered at you in disbelief, the disbelief turned to awe. "Thanks, shortie." 

You mirrored his disbelief. 

("Everything okay, shortie?")

You felt yourself smile, you tried to stop it but you couldn't. "No problem."

(”Also,” Eddie added, later on. “The Hobbit?”

You went a little pale. “Yeah...? What about it?”

“I found it in your glovebox. The thing was in shreds.”

You gnawed at your lip. “I’ve read it a couple times.”

“Just a couple?”

“Just a couple.” You parroted. You peered at him from the side, to see a small smirk on his lips.)

–

"And why did we suddenly stop?" He tilted his head. He definitely had a more puzzled look on his face than annoyed or angry. You shrugged. 

"The river is pretty this time of year." 

The stream in front of you glistened in the afternoon sunlight. Your dad took you here one morning, while your mom was asleep. It was only for a little bit, but he taught you how to skip stones, and told you if you wished hard enough something good and grand might happen. 

You recalled wishing for a Wonder Woman comic book, and your dad snorted.

"Wish for something more meaningful, sweetpea." 

Eddie must've recognized the longing look in your eye. He didn't pry, nor did he beg and plead to go back to the house. You figured he was just as reluctant to go back as you were. 

You wordlessly got out of the car, taking a deep breath as you got closer to the water. Not too close, of course, but close enough to wear you could hear the roar of the stream. 

The sounds of crunching rocks and a door slam told you Eddie exited the car. 

"My dad took me out here to skip rocks a couple times," you explained. "Nostalgia trip, I guess." 

Eddie didn't say anything at first. You watched with wonder as he picked up a flat stone and threw it. It skipped twice, landing in the water soon after with a small splash. You raised your eyebrows, pleased. 

"Not bad." 

"Would you mind showing me the ropes, champion of skipping rocks?" 

You scoffed. "Champion?" 

Eddie shrugged his shoulders, he knelt down in a squat. 

"You must've had some practice, right?" 

You resisted rolling your eyes at him. Picking up a semi-flat stone, you flicked your wrist, and the stone glided, skipping four times before landing with a splash. Eddie clapped, impressed. 

"See, you are the champion.

"It only skipped four times." 

"Watch as mine skips five." 

This man was 20 years old, challenging you to a rock skipping contest. 

You couldn't refuse.

The two of you went at it until the sun started to set. You warily took a glance at the sun, and then to your car. "Time to head back," you told Eddie. 

"Hey uh," he stood up at the same time as you did. "You look tired, let me drive." 

"No." You didn't hesitate. Eddie pouted, a disgruntled look painted itself on his face. 

"Why not?" 

"Dustin told me of your driving habits, Ed." 

"That little shithead doesn't know what he's talking about." 

"I'm pretty sure everyone in Hawkins knows how you drive at this point. Like a maniac." 

"I'm just eccentric." Eddie said. You weren't impressed. 

"Do you know how expensive this car was?" 

"Yes, and I won't wreck it." 

He was giving you the puppy eyes, and you hated it. 

"Why do you want to drive so badly?" 

"...To do something besides sit around. I've been practically sitting around this whole damn time." Eddie confessed, he kicked a stone out of frustration. It didn't quite land in the stream, but it came close. 

You closed your eyes, and then grabbed your keys from your pocket. You tossed them to him. "Don't wreck my car."

He caught the bundle of keys and fist pumped the air. "I won't." 

—

He nearly did. 

Eddie's way of driving was, to put it lightly, reckless. He drove the way you would expect him to: no cares in the world. 

You held onto your seat harshly, wishing your seat-belt could be tighter. "Eddie, slow down for fuck's sake this is a small road, not a race track." 

Eddie smiled, like an idiot enjoying life. You wanted to take a picture, despite the annoyance in your chest. He had a great smile, when it was genuine. Your face flushed when you realized you were staring. 

Did it really take this long for you to realize you missed him? 

"You okay, shortie?" Eddie asked, he took a glance at you before gazing back at the road ahead. You rolled your eyes. 

"Not really, and you can stop calling me that, you know. We're not in middle school anymore."

Eddie grinned again, and you had to bite your cheek to prevent yourself from grinning back. "That's just how I remember you. Short, sassy as hell–which I never got tired of by the way. Honestly, when you called me Ed a bit ago, I said shortie to get back at you because why else would I call you that? Now, I can't stop. I don't wanna either." 

You smirked, hiding your face by looking out the window at the trees gliding by. "So this means I can keep calling you Ed?" 

"Fuck yeah," Eddie didn't hesitate to respond. "Are you kidding? You're the only one I'd allow the privilege to call me that, anyway."

"Special circumstances, huh?" You heard him click his tongue. 

"That's definitely one way to put it." 

–

Eddie pulled your car into the front lawn harshly, earning him a glare from you. 

“You’re never driving my car again,” You scolded. 

Eddie only snickered. “Aw, come on, was it that bad?”

“You nearly rammed us into a tree! Twice!” 

“Simple trial and error.” 

“Fuck off.” 

Eddie only laughed, it echoed in your ears, and your heart flipped. 

As you tried to exit the car, Eddie stopped you. “Hey, uh, can we talk for a second?” 

Your heart dropped. “Uh, yeah, sure. What’s up?” The car door closed with a thump. 

Eddie hesitated, he appeared to be nervous, picking at the crevices of his fingernails. 

“We haven’t really, uh, talked about anything since we came here.”

“What do you mean?” You asked with faux confusion. You knew exactly what he meant, you just didn’t know if you were ready for this discussion. 

“You know what I mean, (Y/n),” Eddie inquired, his voice low. "Why you suddenly disappeared, why you've been looking at me with this weird awkward guilt that's been bugging me since this whole fucking thing started."

You were stunned. 

"It's been, what, 5 years?" 

"Eddie…we–we don't need to" You stammered, the words were caught on your tongue. 

"Yes. Yes, we do," his voice suddenly became serious. "We've been dancing around it for 2 weeks now."

When you didn't respond, he continued. "This trip out–this little excursion we went on–it honestly made me realize how much I missed you. Missed this. Us."

You almost flinched at how his tone shifted. He didn't sound mad, just hurt. Passionately hurt; he's been holding this in for so long. 

You would've preferred if he was just mad. 

("Everything okay, shortie?") 

He was so desperate for answers. You didn't blame him, but some part of you wanted him to stop. It was as if he shoved himself inside the closet of your mind and pulled out the skeletons. You felt exposed. 

Though, you couldn't argue he deserved an explanation. 

He kept talking. "I had wondered what I did for so long. I came up with the theory you hated me, that I must've done something. Why else would you–"

"I don't hate you," The words fell out of your mouth so fast. That wasn't what you wanted him to feel, not at all. Your eyes became misty at the thought. You had to look away, he couldn't see you cry. "I couldn't hate you, even if I tried."

"Then why?" Eddie was shaking his head rapidly. "Why hide for so long if it wasn't something I did?" He placed the blame on himself. 

Hiding behind a wall wasn't an answer anymore. 

"I…My parents divorced that summer," you said quietly. The words tasted like venom. You let out a shaky breath, the handle of your car looked too tempting to grab. Your body urged you to run away, but you knew you couldn't run anymore. "They had put up this charade beforehand, taking me here, being too nice. They were awkward as hell; they didn't think I'd catch on so quickly. After we left, they finalized it, and my mom got full custody of me. I could only see my dad on the weekends." 

Eddie had remained silent, so you continued. "The last day of summer, you asked me if I was okay…and…" you bit your lip. "I don't know what happened, I just fell off. It was as if my brain turned on autopilot.

My dad died in the middle of winter break. A truck had hit him head-on…and…he was declared brain dead at the hospital. My mom started drinking after that. I had to work two jobs to help her out." You played with the fabric of the car seat. 

He still hadn't said anything, which made you more nervous, but you felt obligated to keep going. 

"I don't hate you," you whispered, your voice frail. "Never have, not even a little. Not even when you accidentally dumped soda in my lap during 5th period. Or when you tackled me from behind causing me to fall into Lover's lake. If anything, it made me like you more. I just couldn't smile without feeling guilty about it." 

You didn't even realize you had started crying. "I'm sorry, Eddie," you sobbed. Fuck, you hated crying. Hated it so much that you wished there was another alternative. “I’m so–”

You jumped once he scrambled out of the car, slamming the door after he left. For a second you thought he had stomped away without saying anything before he opened your side door, pulling you into the tightest hug he could muster. If anything, the gesture made you cry harder. 

"I'm sorry, shortie," his voice faltered. "I'm so fucking sorry." 

You wanted to gawk at him. "Why the fuck are you apologizing?" You let out a cry when he put a hand on your head in a comforting way. 

"Because I didn't know. God, I wish you had told me." 

"You were dealing with your own shit."

Eddie scoffed. "So? We all deal with our own shit!"

"Ed-"

"You're too selfless. You always put other people before you. Always. It doesn't matter who it is. You've got to stop doing that."

It had been too long since someone held you like that. It reminded you of your dad. He held you just like this before he drove away; it felt as if he didn't want to let go, that he wanted to glue himself to you. It was only after your mom gave him a warning that he finally released his grip. 

Eddie held you for what felt like hours until your sobs were reduced to mere sniffles. You found yourself glancing towards his leg, which was wobbling slightly.

“You shouldn’t stand on your bad leg for too long,” you advised with a sniff. “You might make it worse.”

He somehow held you tighter, letting out another scoff. “See, that’s what I mean! You’re over here crying your damn eyes out, still worried about me.” 

“Well,” you countered, “You were bitten by monstrous bats from another dimension so–” 

“Just shut up, okay?”

You laughed. “Okay.”

A sudden weight lifted off your shoulders. You laughed. "Guess we have 5 years of catching up to do, yeah?"

–

You found yourself sitting on your old bed that night. It was comforting, being around the pink sheets and cupcake-covered pillows. It made you think you were back in 1980 when your parents took you back here for an impromptu trip. Your mom had felt like getting away, and your dad didn’t want to tell her no. Later that day you found yourself in the backseat of your dad’s cavalier. You remember the leather seats being so hot you didn’t really like sitting on them in the summer. 

“Hey,” Eddie’s voice dragged you out of your thoughts. 

You gave him a glance. “What’s up?”

He kicked the carpet under his good foot. He had a pillow under one arm and a blanket in another. “I don’t know, I just…I had a weird feeling, and I wanted to come to check in, I guess?” 

You smiled a little. “I’m okay, just looking outside.”

“Checking for spooky monsters?” He asked sarcastically. 

“Yeah,” you rolled your eyes, “Totally checking for spooky monsters.”

Silence rolled between you two before Eddie spoke again. “I had been thinking.”

“About what?”

“About everything you told me. And, not gonna lie, the idea of leaving you alone after you basically poured your whole heart out to me made me feel like an asshole.”

You let out a breathless laugh. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Nope,” Eddie stated, flopping the pillow and blanket on the ground next to your bed. “I’m already here, and walking up and down those stairs with this leg? No.” 

“Ed,” you were giggling, “What is this a middle school sleepover?” 

“I just don’t want you to be alone.”

“You might as well just hop on the bed.” You patted the sheets next to you, your face heating up slightly in the process. It was definitely an interesting suggestion, but you didn’t want him ruining his back. Eddie tilted his head.

“Me? Sleep next to you, in the same bed, with our history?” He gestured to the space between the two of you. You snorted, wanting so badly to tease him. 

“Because you got high that one time and tried to kiss me?” 

Eddie blinked rapidly. "Yeah, but I don't remember being high for that."

"I'm pretty sure you were, you smelled like weed."

"I think I always smell like weed." 

"Yeah. I had heard about that, something about you selling pot in school?"

"A side business, yes, but back to the point," Eddie tried brushing the subject off, even making a hand gesture telling you to stop. "Are you sure you'd even feel comfortable with me up there? Next to you, in the same vicinity–"

"Eddie, if anything I'd feel safer," You confessed, immediately looking back to the window. There was nothing much outside, but maintaining eye contact made your stomach twist weirdly. You fiddled with your thumb. "That was weird, sorry." 

He didn't respond before flopping himself on the spot next to you. "I guess I could. Cupcakes are real metal, you know what I mean?" 

"I swear to God if you bring that up one more time, you will be smothered with a pillow." You said playfully. 

"Though, this bed is fucking tiny." 

"Yeah, sorry if I kick you."

***

The night had grown so quiet, you were positive Eddie had fallen asleep beside you. You figured sleep would take longer to arrive, so you decided now would be a good time to read. 

Even though you were hesitant to take a book off of your dad’s shelf, you thought it would be wasteful to leave all those books unread, unused. Though, reading a Stephen King book at night was unwise. 

"Stephen King, huh?" 

You jolted, eyes tore off the page to look at Eddie. He was rubbing his eyes, indicating he probably did fall asleep. "You're brave reading one of those at night, especially this late." 

You glanced at the cover, the large print font yelling "The Dark Tower". You simply shrugged. "It's only The Dark Tower. I wouldn't read Cujo at 1 in the morning if that's what you're implying." 

"Still has the spooky undertones." 

"You've read King's stuff?" 

"Oh hell yeah, love him."

"He's gonna release a new one this year." 

"Is he now?" 

You gave him a look. "Go back to sleep, dingus." 

"Not until you do," Eddie scrunched his nose. 

"Just…one more chapter." You nervously glanced back at the page. Groaning when you realized you lost your place. "Great, now look at what you've done. I can't find my place!"

"And that," Eddie said in a matter-of-factly tone, "Means you should go to bed." 

You huffed, placing the book on the window sill before softly landing back on the bed. "Happy?" 

"Incredibly." 

Your eyes closed and you felt the bed shift as he moved. For a small, twin-sized bed, it wasn't too bad. Though, it also meant you'd feel his every toss and turn and you weren't sure how you felt about that. 

"I wasn't high," Eddie muttered out of the blue. 

You opened your eyes. "What?" 

"You said that when I tried to, ya know, kiss you that I was probably high…I wasn't." 

Your heart began to pound, and you really hoped he couldn't feel it. 

"You're telling me this now?" You coughed out. It was hard to concentrate with the way your mind began to spin. He wanted to kiss you. He wasn't just high off his ass. 

Now you're hating yourself for not knowing. 

"Well, I don't know, with the gates and the fact I'm wanted for murder and…the fact you're here now. It kinda felt weird to keep it in." 

"Does that mean you liked me back then?" You will admit that was a stupid question. Wanting to kiss someone isn't exactly platonic. 

Eddie turned to face you, and though you were hesitant to do the same, you could feel his eyes on you. "Who said I stopped?" 

The seriousness of his tone nearly made your heart stop. First in the car, now here. "You're tugging at my heartstrings here, Munson." 

"You really think I'd joke about something like this?" 

"You joke all the time." 

"Fair point, but not this time." 

You still couldn't look at him. Not when he's telling you this when you know the look on his face is softer than you've ever seen it. It would've been too much. 

"Look at me," he said, not demanded, but it obviously wasn't a request. "Please, sweetheart."

You couldn't resist the pet name. You turned your head to him, face burning as his warm, chocolate brown eyes glittered in the moonlight. "Yeah?"

"You mean more to me than you think." 

His face was closer now, and while you glanced at his lips, you thought about everything that happened up until that moment. Anything could happen. You could lose him to prison, or to murderous beings whose masters invaded the minds of others.

Fuck it. 

You kissed him, albeit shortly. Eddie still had his eyes closed, as if he wanted more. He raised his eyebrows before opening his eyes again. "Definitely wasn't expecting that." 

"Sorry," you said instinctively. Eddie grabbed your face with one hand, you could feel the cold bite of the rings that adorned his fingers. 

"Stop apologizing, shortie." He kissed you in return. 

It felt like a weird dream, this trip. Parts being nightmarish, parts holding you together. Whatever happened next, you at least had him. 

And he had you. 

It wasn’t until later that morning, that trouble in Hawkins would arise once again.

"You guys? Hey! Uh, we might have a slight situation..."

One problem was, you two had left the walkie-talkie in the backseat.

--

Also tagging @masterofmunson​ because their fics inspired me greatly! Thank you for writing such amazing works!

[krethes]

@wolfstarmicrofic July, Day Two: sugar high

Just... expect a lot of firefighter content. Mildly NSFW.

Follow-up to: Fruit

He's going to crash at some point. It's inevitable, he knows, the impending end of this sugar high, this...honeymoon period of new relationship bliss, but he can't be bothered by worrying about the future. Not when the kisses on his neck are so sweet, and the honey-gold of Lupin's eyes warm him from the inside out, and the gossamer strands of emotion thread with the molten lust in his veins at the simplest touch.

So he'll crash and burn. He's used to it. He'll get back up. But he wants to savor this joyride, this illicit make-out in the gear storage room that he hopes will lead to something more in the bunks in a few minutes. They're running the aid car tonight, they might not even be needed, they could have hours of uninterrupted, decadent bliss while the rest of the team is on a call.

"Oh fuck me," Sirius chokes out when those saccharine kisses turn to exploratory bites, Lupin's fingers pulling the collar of his shirt aside to get to hidden, warm skin.

Lupin rumbles a laugh and rolls their hips together, sending lightning up his spine and fanning the flames in his blood. "We're on call."

Sirius has never wanted to leave work early, but the way Lupin doesn't say "no" has him chomping at the bit. "We're always on call."

"Mmm," Lupin hums, and spends the next several seconds sucking a bruise into Sirius's collarbone. Sirius tries to maintain some semblance of control by grabbing Lupin's arse through his trousers and squeezing, but somehow that just makes his own knees weak. "I want the first time we fuck to be in a bed."

First time. Not only time. "There's a b-"

"My bed," Lupin corrects, and he draws back to look at Sirius properly. His lips are swollen and wet, slick with spit, but the erotic image is tempered by the creep of uncertainty in his amber eyes. "If that's okay. If you just want a quick...thing, that's fine. I just...I really, um... I like you. More than I thought. And I'd like to actually date you."

Sirius's mind blanks. There's nothing left except for the spinning admission of "I like you", and he knows he should say something, but he can't even remember how language works, let alone form words that actually make sense.

"Ah, fuck," Lupin swears, and buries his face against Sirius's neck. "Forget I said anything. This is great. We can fuck if you want."

"No!"

Lupin jerks back like he's been burned, his face turning scarlet and then paling as he removes his hands from Sirius's body. "Fuck, sorry, this is a bad-"

"No," Sirius says, much more gently this time, because the fear of hurting Lupin has overwhelmed his overwhelm. "No." He takes Lupin's face in his hands and draws him back in for a long, slow kiss. "Your bed sounds great, whenever we make it there."

Lupin's terror dissolves into palpable relief, and he drags Sirius close against his body in a crushing hug. "Get breakfast with me after shift? Just us?"

Sirius usually stuffs his face with as many pancakes as he can possibly eat at the IHOP down the street with James and Lily after the long sleepless shifts, but he figures they won't kill each other if he misses just one... "Yeah," he says breathlessly. "Yeah."

He still might crash and burn, but it's like Lupin said all those weeks ago: they're firefighters. He's built to resist it, drawn to this heat like a moth to the flame, as obsessed with fire as much as he respects it, and he's not unaware of the danger. Of the damage it can do. Lupin could do the same, those golden eyes of his, his tawny hair like tongues of flame that could destroy him in an instant, consume him in his path without a second thought, but Sirius has never been afraid to burn.

[whitestaghere]

Not your fault - Levi x reader

Just felt like it had been a while and came up with this. Hope ya'll enjoy reading!❤️

Warnings: none really. Mentions of death. Angst and a dash of fluff at the end.

Saying I was scared was an understatement. No, I was shook to the very brink of my existence. I hadn't expected it to be so nerve wracking as it was, now that I had finally joined the scout regiment.

I had expected this of course.

Who wouldn't? Specially when they were proned to fighting naked humans as tall as trees running at you like they were on their morning caffeine rush.

What was even worse was when the stoic captain of the special operations squad decides to pick you to be part of his squad. "I appreciate your skills," he said.

Well I guess there wasn't really much to fuss about that apart from the new mission we were setting up for and our very special rivalry.

Today, everything had gone smooth until that female titan had decided to come waltzing in.

She had managed to wipe out all of Levi squad and I felt my blood boil. My mind was in a blur, filled with thoughts of nothing but blood lust. Just from her.

Eren's screams played at the back of my mind and even as I caught sight of him shooting towards where I was, I couldn't find it in me to stop him.

As cruel as it sounded- I wanted her to feel the pain as I did.

I glanced down at Petra's body. The eyes that always greeted me with brightness were now looking at me blankly. Tasting the saltiness from the tears that streamed down my face unbeknownst to me- my cool demeanor finally broke. Snapping out of my trance I pushed myself off the branch I stood upon.

Shooting my hooks into the skin of the female titans shoulder, I zipped through the air screaming in anguish. I swung my blades over my head, aiming for the hand that covered her nape. If I could just cut through her wrist-

Just as planned, my blades sunk into the flesh of her wrist. Deep, but not deep enough.

If only I hadn't been distracted and just pushed away right then..

Her large hand came in contact with my body, swatting me off like as if I were some insect. Which in her case, I probably looked it. With a pained yelp, I was being thrown through the air.

"Y/N!" Eren.

My eyes shot open just when a bolt of lightning struck through the air. Ah.

I realised what was happening.

I tried to aim my grappling hooks at one of the trees before I probably fell to my death or by the slightest chances, fell straight into a titans mouth. But everything was in a blur and with the way the titan hit me, I couldn't quite direct my focus onto one thing. And before you know it, I had already inched closer to the ground, crashing straight into a tree. I doubled forward and my body slid down against the rough surface.

Cursing inwardly, I glanced down at my body; my lower half, sprawled out on the ground as I slumped against the tree.

I wanted to move, to assist Eren - but my body refused to respond. I couldn't budge and for a moment, I hoped I had died through impact because the thoughts that ran through my head were killing me.

My body felt limp almost like as if I was paralysed. I fought to keep my eyes open. The ground beneath me shook and my ears were filled with the sound of Eren's titan screaming. And with that, black filled my vision.

>>present<<

My body shot up at once and I winced at the sudden pain that shot through my body.

"You're awake."

That voice.

I snapped my head to my right and I was greeted by those steel eyes that belonged to none other than the captain. I had this urge to shrink and disappear out of existence under his icy gaze and-

Wait.

I was alive? Or no wait. Good Gods, please don't tell me he died too!

Without thinking, my hand shot out to grab his arm that was crossed over his chest. This took him by surprise and his eyes shifted between me and my hand with a hint of annoyance laced in his features. His body had tensed under my hold and I immediately pulled away with a gasp.

"I-I'm sorry sir. I just-"

"I found you not too far from the rest of the squad," he cut me off. My head lowered at the mention of the others. "I didn't think you were alive considering the amount of blood you lost. But that's when you coughed, splattering all your substances at me and well- you know the rest."

I didn't know what to say. Even if I did, I didn't have it in me to speak or make a snarky remark like I usually did. The thought of my fallen comrades made me sick to the stomach. But I couldn't cry either.

No. Just not with him here.

You remember how I said we had a special rivalry going on between us? Yeah.

Ever since Levi had asked me to join his squad- we'd always been at eachother's throats. Which I didn't quite expect considering how he picked me.

He'd say something sarcastic, I'd snap back at him and vice versa. It eventually came to the point that commander Erwin had to walk in one time, suggesting Levi that it would be best if I were switched to Mike's squad. But Levi had simply walked out of the room.

Just like that, Erwin asked me to make the choice and I said no. Why you ask?

I wanted Levi to accept me.

I couldn't even remember what started this rivalry to begin with and it was eating at me constantly. I had never seen him snap at people as easily as he did with me. Well he did occasionally, but this was on a daily basis and it made no sense at all.

Hanji said it was just his nature and that I'd understand him later. I realised that was she said was just ridiculous because this man, he didn't even dare to show me a little bit of respect. So I decided I'd leave him be and put up a mask whenever he'd target me but that's when things got worse. He always found reasons to argue with me and I caught up with it too.

Breaking down in front of him wasn't an option now.

Levi's chair scraped against the floor signalling that he was probably leaving.

"Thank you," I said quickly, making him stop in his tracks. I'd never said that to him before. But since he saved me, it was only right that I did.

His head turned around halfway and he eyed me narrowly. "For saving me," I finished. He clicked his tongue in response and left the room, shutting the door a little louder than I expected.

Cue the breakdown.

I flopped myself back on the bed. Grabbing the pillow that supported my head, I hugged it tightly as I screamed into it.

The tears didn't stop.

I couldn't save my comrades. Why did the captain even decide to pick me in the first place if I couldn't save my own comrades?

It was getting harder to breathe with my face stuffed in the pillow and the choked up tears didn't make it any easier. I felt so pathetic. But no matter how much I tried, it wouldn't stop. The guilt and hatred just kept coming back to me.

It felt like I had been crying for hours already as my body spasmed, signalling the next fresh batch of tears approaching.

The sound of the door opening and closing again made my body freeze.

I peeped up from my pillow and regretted it instantly seeing the captain standing at the foot of my bed, holding two cups in his hands. His eyes locked with mine again.

Maybe it was me just seeing things but his eyes widened and very slowly, he made his way upto the side of my bed.

"I brought you some tea," he said stoically. "Drink it before it gets cold."

I subtly wiped my eyes against the pillow and sat myself up on the bed like as if I hadn't been crying my eyes out just a few moments ago.

Avoiding eye contact, I thanked him silently and took the cup from his hand. Even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his gaze lingering on my face. Feeling too self conscious, I brought the cup up to my mouth only to wince as I burned my tongue. A weird sound came from me and I slapped my hand over my mouth.

"Tch. Be careful idiot. I didn't ask you to drink it that fast," Levi scolded. I face palmed inwardly, brushing it off with a sheepish grin. He cocked a brow and shifted his gaze outside the window.

Silence.

I didn't mind the silence, but with him sitting right there, it felt like my nerves were dancing. If that was even possible.

Eyeing him subtly, I noticed how his gaze seemed distant, longing. And that's when I realised. I was being selfish.

I wasn't the only one who had lost my comrades.

"C-captain-"

"Levi."

I tilted my head in confusion and nodded right after catching what he had meant. "Levi. I-I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For everything."

"Be specific." I gulped. So he wanted a full on confession. Here it goes.

"Well for being.. for being a brat." He raised his brows and turned to look at me. I shifted my gaze to the floor at once, finding it easier to speak calmly that way.

"That wasn't a joke, I promise. I was being selfish. I didn't know how much pressure I might have been putting on you by always being snarky and uncooperative. And now too.. I was considering my own feelings without thinking about how you felt. I just- didn't understand why you hate me so much."

"I don't hate you," he said abruptly. I looked at him slowly but reluctantly.

"I-" he ran a hand through his hair, releasing a frustrated sigh. "I don't hate you. I was just worried."

"Worried?" I asked.

"Worried you'd end up like this. Or by the least, end up dead."

Ouch.

"You doubted my skills.. yet you picked me to be a part of your squad. I don't get it," I mumbled.

"Idiot. It's not like that," he barked. "I recall saying I respected your skills. I really do. It's just that you can be reckless at times."

I gasped in disbelief.

"Reckless?"

"Yes. Reckless."

"How could you-" he raised a brow and eyed my position on the bed. I followed his gaze and it dawned on me. Half of my body was wrapped in bandages and my arm was in a cast.

Yeah. Reckless.

"I had no doubt in your skills, keep that in mind brat. I picked you for my squad because I knew you'd be a good addition to it and-" He paused, looking like as if he were in thought before continuing.

"It was easier to keep an eye on you this way."

I shut my eyes tightly, guilt flooding through my veins little by little.

"But I failed." My eyes shot open hearing this.

"I failed you and I failed my squad."

"Levi-"

"No y/n. There's no denying it," he said. I noticed how his voice was beginning to shake and that just made my heart ache. I had never seen him this way. "I told you that I added you to keep an eye on you and look at you now. Even worse, I failed to protect the rest of my squad."

"Levi," I said softly. "You know, if I ever end up dying out there- I'd never blame you. I'd never say you failed to protect me. But what I would want you to do, is to give our sacrifices meaning. We devoted our lives. We chose to go down this path knowing the circumstances. Knowing that someday there could be a chance we wouldn't come back home. So just know, this is not your fault and they don't blame you either. Even if it is, we must make their sacrifices worth something."

Levi stared intently at me but this time, I didn't feel like shrinking away. I wanted the man in front of me to have reason to fight, to know he wasn't to blame. And that all of this- we were facing all of this together.

He didn't say a word. I didn't expect him to either and I didn't mind it.

His gaze was everywhere and for a second when his eyes met mine, I couldn't help my urge and slowly yet hesitantly- reached out for him.

"May I?" I asked.

He tilted his head, confused by what I was asking permission for. I opened my arms slightly for him and after a short while, he shockingly leaned in slowly (not before shifting awkwardly in his seat though). Wrapping one arm around his shoulders and one hand on his nape, I pulled him into my embrace gently.

I felt his fingers trace over my clothes slightly like as if he were contemplating what to do. After a few seconds, his body completely relaxed in my arms and I felt his hands slowly snake around my waist.

"It's okay Levi," I whispered and rubbed his back in attempt to comfort him. He tucked his head into the crook of my neck. That made a soft smile crawl up my face.

This man was a fighter but he was also human. A human with feelings no matter how stoic he could be. Hanji was right.

>>Third person's pov<<

It was at that moment, that a new friendship began to blossom between the two. A spark of hope and a reason to fight in their dark world.

Okay phew.

That came out a lot more angsty than I thought it would be haha. But I hope you all enjoyed reading it and have a wonderful day/night!❤️