#relearning what I have learnt before

[stainedglassslut]

Girls, I am pursuing a career as an electric woman. As an electrician. Wish me licks of 🍀✨🍀✨🍀 thanks.

[kiawren]

So uhm instead of doing my 8 essays due Tuesday morning I went down a rabbit hole learning about the romance farming sim Fields of mistria. And I adore Ryis so much....I've spent hours finding out about what I can of him becuz I can't play the game before the end of November...

My s/i and him would be perfect for each other... First of all he loves birds like HELLO.! When I learnt that fact I had multiple exclamation marks on top of my head I think. And it's not even a one-off thing he mentioned, I'm pretty sure it's established as one part of his personality. He also builds bird houses. And he has a feather collection. He is just like me for real.

Ok continued with lots of words down here Woops

He's so kind and creative... He does woodworking, and some of the gifts he loves can be carved on as mentioned in the item's description. It's crazy becuz I have an oc (ik I don't post about my oc's but they're always brewing in my head) who also likes to carve intricate patterns on wood (he has a wooden arm he carves on, and likes Batik patterns and the artfulness of Wayang Kulit which is Malay shadow puppetry.) like bro. Okay. And it means he's also an artist of sorts...Um yeah I'm projecting traits of that OC into the art we'd like to do together. I think my s/i would like to carve cool patterns with him... Like what if we carve birds... And they would love to sit outside and watch birds and try to sketch them together. Not to mention that one of the events you can do with him as part of a romance stage is. Planting a tree together. I'm normal. Like hello. Planting a TREE as a symbol of your love I think that's so crazy to me it's having me so whipped. And he's so down to earth I think he moved from the city to the more village setting of the game and also he was important in helping the village recover from the earthquake becuz of his skills and also he's very lovable for his kindness I think. I'm so invested now but my essays 😊 my esssayyss.... Oh yeah he also reminds me of Kiawe becuz he dresses like he works on a farm and it was my first impression... Also I think red is his color (one of his outfits is blue though. My s/i's color but it's whatever it's nothingggg that doesn't mean anything to me) and his personality is similar to kiawe's. They both have creative interests, work with wood in some way (kiawe's staff is wood okay it's more of a stretch but. Yeah haha) they're both hardworking, relatively quiet people but very kind. Help me

[anfie-in-the-box]

Be Who You Are (An Error Just Like Me)

Notes

A little something for @zu-is-here (: Thanks for the request! It was a bit difficult at first, but today inspiration hit hard and I couldn't help but write, write, write. It was amazing, and I'm quite proud of the result.

。。。

For one too many times, Blueberrory stumbles on something he doesn't see and groans, frustrated, caught in Error's strings so he doesn't fall and possibly break a bone or two. Error laughs at him, glitching slightly, but helps Blueberrory regain his balance.

“Ugh. Ho-o-ow?” he mutters with barely concealed irritation. He's definitely become moodier as an error. He wonders if it would ever go away. 

“You want me to teach you how to navigate the Anti-Void? That's what I'm doing,” Error says, still giggling — and glitching, just a tiny bit. Blueberrory can't help but smile fondly. Oh, to slowly but surely learn to understand Error's twisted mind… He enjoys Blueberrory's struggles very much, but he also cares, and he also wants Blueberrory to succeed. If only to prove he's the best teacher and guide in the Anti-Void. And because they're becoming friends. 

“There's this one tiny little thing that I don't understand,” Error says, now frowning. 

“Am I missing something?” Blueberrory asks with hope. Maybe Error is finally tired of his games of vague charades? But he stands up and spreads his hands. 

“Come here and hug me.” 

Hope is a stupid feeling indeed. Error hates physical contact and barely knows how to soothe the feeling — before Blueberrory he didn't even have the clothes that would suit his needs. And now he just stands there, almost demanding a hug? Blueberrory knows Error's not the most stable person around, but this… 

Nonetheless, Blueberrory comes closer and… He's not sure what happens next, but stars, he's glitching like crazy. It doesn't hurt though, not at all, and then it ends as fast as it has started. And he finds himself a tiny little bit away from Error, though Blueberrory can swear he was close to him, closer than Error ever allowed. 

“What… What was that?!” Blueberrory shouts, startled. 

“Stupid, don't you realise that's your main advantage here in the Anti-Void?” Error makes a dissatisfied face, but there's a certain sparkle in his mismatched eye-lights. He enjoys knowing more and understanding better. And Blueberrory will be his favourite subject for a rather long time — he's a fast learner, but now that his nature and soul have changed, he has a lot of things to either learn or relearn. Like navigating his new home.

“I don't understand,” Blueberrory says after a few deep breaths. He's still frustrated but not angry or bewildered to the point of shock. “What happened? Why am I farther from you than I was before, well, trying and failing to hug you, I suppose? Why did I glitch like that?”

Silence falls. At least Blueberrory isn't irritated anymore, and Error's thoughtful face soothes his soul even more. Blueberrory really, truly misses the times patience came naturally to him. But he'll do his best anyway. And besides, that part of him is deep inside, more than a memory, less than an illusion — a part of his experience, a part of his past, long gone. Blueberrory isn't the magnificent Sans.

Error laughs loudly and Blueberrory takes a step back, startled. 

“You're so funny,” Error finally says when his laughter ceases. “Wonder whether I would be as funny if I had someone to look after me.”

Blueberrory perks up. Error doesn't talk about his past, or, well, his past in the Anti-Void. He loves telling stories about the AUs he once destroyed, or the AUs that managed to attract his attention and therefore stayed. The latter ones were far and between at first, but as Error learnt to tame his insanity, he found beauty and fascination in more and more things. He found his own reasons to grant mercy, as twisted as those reasons are.

“What's funny, then?” Blueberrory asks calmly. 

“That you really don't understand!” Error grins. “What happened is one of your own ways to be an error. Congratulations! Now you know what to master!”

Blueberrory sighs. Error's words still don't make any sense, though they really should. But that's fine, Blueberrory is still getting used to… everything, really. Error knows that, so Blueberrory will get his answers. Sooner or later, one way or another. 

“I see you're not getting it.” This time, Error quickly goes to Blueberrory and touches his shoulder. 

Well, he tries to. Blueberrory doesn't even get a moment to react. He's glitching again, and he's a few steps away from Error. Again. 

“Most errors can't touch living beings, as far as I know,” Error finally starts to explain with words. “But you? Oh, how I envy you, little Berry! You can't touch anything, not in the state you're in right now.”

“But I… I stumble on… whatever it is in the Anti-Void?..” Blueberrory mumbles, then grimaces — he's meant to sound coherent and confident, not like this. 

“Of course you do! That's why I said you've got to master your ways to be an error. They're advantages as much as they are obstacles.”

“So what you mean is… There's a way to cheat?”

“Sure, call it like that, why not! We are errors, but we are also hackers. The Anti-Void loves those who know the rules, but it loves those who set their own rules even more.”

“What is yours, then? Advantage and obstacle, I mean.” 

Error tenses for a moment — Blueberrory doesn't even start regretting his decision to ask. Enough is enough. But Error answers slowly, “My vision. Without the glasses, I see more. Or, well, differently.”

Blueberrory hums, not letting this show of Error's trust and honesty go unnoticed but also not focusing attention on his words. 

What feels like hours later (though you never know with the Anti-Void), Blueberrory still stumbles here and there, but sometimes he doesn't, glitching out of the way — and gets a standing ovation from Error, slightly mocking yet genuinely proud. What a mix.

“Be who you are — an error just like me,” he murmurs, almost to himself, but Blueberrory hears it anyway. He makes a promise to himself to become the second best error ever. The first is Error himself, of course.

So much to learn, so much to see, and Blueberrory won't be alone. Lucky him.

。。。

Credits

Undertale © Toby Fox

Error and Blueberror © loverofpiggies

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Notes

There's a few references here and there. The title is a slightly corrected line from Hazbin Hotel song Loser, Baby.

"Hope is a stupid feeling" is a belief from a series of Russian books that I like a lot, though I don't fully agree with this particular notion. Still interesting to look for situations where it works.

Thanks for reading, and take care 🌻

P. S. Requests are still open!

[but-a-humble-goon]

Hey, I had a thought about Cassandra.

I haven't read any of her comics, only read the Batgirls one with the three batgirls going on their own side with that artstyle I love so much for some reason.

I know the fact that Cass speaks, and how, tend to change a lot between comics and all, and I don't know the exact lore, but I thought a bit deeper about it all from what I know.

Cain never taught Cass how to speak, right? She grew up with fighting and understanding the body as her only way to convey anything from her brain to the world. (even if she obviously learnt to understand other languages)

But languages shape how your brain understand and interact with the world. It is most noticable when someone talk a language they didn't grew speaking, there's those little mishaps or confusion of meaning and use for words that are said to be equivalent, and that's because you have to relearn a way to see and understand things.

I'd say it's even more obvious when the structure of the language changes, I don't speak any sign language, but I know how some things work, and you don't describe things the same way with it as you would with a spoken language. You have to translate the meaning because of that.

Now, to go back to Cass, she didn't grew up with either of those, at least from what I know. Her language is Body. Her mind shaped itself and its understanding of things through her and others' body. How do you translate that?

Like, she doesn't say things, she can see how others' body feel by looking at them, so she express her feeling through her body. If Cass were to want to express an emotion,her mind would first and foremost express it through her body, and that's not words, that's feelings, and your body can reflect so much mors complicated feelings than words.

My point is, if Cass was to learn her first spoken language while in her teens, it would be really hard for her to express herself in a way that is understandable. Bodies reflect intent with specific muscles, while you need to build a sentence. I know fanon make her learn ASL, which is logical from a vocal cords point of view because she never trained it to speak, but that would still make communication hard, because sign languages are still not body language.

I don't know if I get the idea across, but Cass' whole understanding of the world was built around the way bodies work, and it probably holds for animals too, which are just different, sometimes similar, body languages.

It is so intersting! You can only guess how they would understand the world!

But also, would hinder them so much in their communication. Once, if she ever, get past the training to not express any feeling, you would have someone who express anything with movement, postures, specific muscle being tensed or not. Someone one who is constantly seeing how others feel because no one knows how to prevent their bodies from having feeling.

You're on the same level as an empath as long as you can see their bodies. hiding your body allows you to not be truthful about your feeling...

I fee like I'm not going anywhere with this, but the implication over how one would share anything is wide.

It's actually addressed directly at the end of her solo book that for her it's not as easy as just learning a second language, it's a hardware problem. Her brain is so specialized for body language that it lacks the structure to even process written or verbal languages the way a typical brain can. While she can learn, it will always be much more difficult for her than anyone else.

Also the thing that makes her way of communicating unique is that it's sort of "read only." As in, since it's about reading subconscious body language signals there's no real way to consciously express yourself with it. That's part of why she's all about the arts (dancing, drawing etc) because she's never had ways to express herself properly before and words obviously don't work for her.

[thestobingirlie]

i think one reason i personally see a decrease in quality in stranger things is the fact that in the first couple seasons, though all the characters have their own storylines going on, they were all connected by one overarching plot. and as the seasons go by, that overarching plot just makes less and less sense, and doesn’t really connect the plots in any meaningful way.

so, take season one, though the adults are generally focusing on the government, the teens on the demogorgon and the kids on el, all of those plots are ultimately connected to finding will. they’re all moving towards the same goal.

we first start to see the disconnect in season two. the first two plots, will’s possession and the demodogs, are still both connected to the mind flayer. he’s the big bad they have to defeat this season. but el’s plot, and nancy and jonathan’s have nothing to do with the mind flayer. el’s plot is about finding herself/her history, and jancy’s is about justice for barb. i can excuse el’s plot not being connected because ultimately she uses what she’s learnt to defeat the mind flayer. but nancy and jonathan have nothing to really do come the end of the season except join someone else’s storyline. and i think that’s why i find the ‘justice for barb’ storyline kinda… clunky? they talk about “we only hang out when the worlds about to end” but they don’t know that. they have no idea anything to do with the upside down is happening until they’re told.

then season three, we’ve suddenly got an entire russian invasion that scoops troop gets themselves sucked into, and the griswold family are running around after flayed monsters. besides the fact that the russians opened the gate, they’re two entirely different storylines, especially considering that the russians don’t know about the mind flayer. they’re not running around trying to cover up what they’re doing like the american government in season one. then you’ve got the adults running around trying to figure out why people are being pushed off their land and getting chased by the terminator.

in season one, when everyone came together, they all knew will was alive, all they had to do was combine their information to figure out how to save him. but when everyone comes together in season three, they all have entirely different stories that have little to nothing to do with the other. scoops troop got tortured to figure out the russians opened a gate, but the adults were just told. what was the point lmao. (this also just… doesn’t make sense when you think about the fact that this is the third year they’ve all been through something life threatening, and no one tries to reunite or share information before the forth of july. jopper fully leave their kids behind with no care, steve and dustin don’t try to tell the others about the russians, and the others don’t seem to a gaf that two of their friends have dropped off the face of the earth while the mind flayer is going around flaying and killing.)

season four is the worst offender yet. not only are the storylines connected by a thread at best, they’re not even all in america. hawkins gang is trying to defeat the latest ud monster, el is taking a trip down memory lane and relearning exactly what she did in season two, because apparently brenner just magically knew henry would pop back up someday. the cali crew is just trying to find el, and going all the way to utah to do it. and joyce is abandoning her children to get some dick all the way in fucking russia. and the russians somehow have the mind flayer in a box. despite the fact their gate never opened more than a crack, so how did that even happen? i think the duffers knew their plots were so mismatched and tried to connect them but just failed. despite the fact venca’s the big bad of the season, two of the storylines have nothing to do with him. the duffers make up contrived reasons for why no one is contacting each other once again, but i think this style just does not make sense anymore.

in season one, of course they’re not sharing anything, but by this point, with the scale of the monsters they’re up against, why would the cali crew not just stop at a pay phone?

anyway, yeah <3 i think all the disconnected plots make it harder to engage in and enjoy the show, especially because most people spent season four just waiting for their favourite characters to pop up again. and this isn’t even getting into how many useless side characters the duffers keep pushing in. making longer seasons won’t help the show unless they actually use that time for their characters, and not just more and more plotlines.

i honestly think the show would’ve been far better off if they never introduced russia as an actual enemy and just left them a looming threat. a reminder that people are looking out of the country to find enemies, when the government killing citizens and covering it up and hurting children is their own. but that’s a different conversation lmao

tl;dr - season one is about finding will. season two is about defeating the mind flayer and closing the gate, and justice for barb. season three is about stopping the russians and defeating the mind flayer and closing the gate… again but in an even bigger way this time!! season four is about el getting her powers back, and defeating the russians and killing their ud monsters, and two divisions of the american government (one we’re supposed to side with, but both abuse kids), and a man stuck in the ud who is also a serial killer killing kids. it’s also about finding el, and a satanic panic. somehow. the seasons have just gotten too busy! too many characters, and not enough time.

[tsarisfanfiction]

Source of Knowledge

Fandom: Trials of Apollo Rating: Gen Genre: Angst/Family Characters: Will, Apollo For his overnight vigil, Apollo raided items from his children's cabin. The next evening, Will found them again. TOApril day 27 - Missing Objects. This was a pretty broad prompt, but then I remembered the books Apollo basically stole from Will's bookshelf without any indication that Will know about it, and figured I could do something short and angsty with that... so that is hopefully what this is.

Will found them after Apollo and Meg had gone into the woods.

Maybe he should have found them earlier – it had been a whole day, he thought, since they’d gone, and there certainly wasn’t any excuse to have not tracked them down before he did – but he hadn’t.  He’d had other things on his mind, things like injured campers and missing siblings and a finally-sleeping mortal father, even if Apollo’s sleep had been restless at best.

He still hadn’t been actively looking for them when he’d stumbled across them.  There was a whole nest of things – a flashlight, blankets, a discarded but still full water canteen – but the ones that caught Will’s attention were the same things he’d first registered as missing the previous night, when he’d gone to bed in a cold and empty cabin.

Over the years, cabin seven had acquired a large collection of books on Apollo.  Will was pretty sure some of them had been written by long-gone older siblings, and at least one had the distinctive handwriting of Chiron.  Others were more modern, typed instead of handwritten, on paper instead of fading parchment, and even papyrus.  Cabin six might be known for their library, but they weren’t the only cabin with a god associated with books and learning and knowing things.

It was the newer, less fragile books that had gone.  The ones Will kept on a bookshelf near his bed, rather than the ones more securely stored in with the instruments, the one remnant of the head counsellor’s nook before Lee had converted it into its current instrument storage.  They were the ones Will had once learnt stories of his dad from, guided by Lee in his teacher-mode, and sometimes some of his other more knowledge-inclined older siblings, and the same ones Michael had used to try and teach Austin and Kayla, although with difficulty, because Michael could teach archery but he wasn’t so good at books.

Will had used them, since, to teach younger siblings that thankfully weren’t at camp right now, safely back with their mortal parents and hopefully away from the disconcerting danger that was once again invading camp.

He didn’t know why Apollo had taken them with him for his vigil.  Surely he didn’t need to read about himself.

Will tried and failed to forget how much Apollo had cursed his mortal memory, implying so heavily that he had given up on subtlety and blatantly told them that he couldn’t remember much.

The thought of his father sitting up all night, wrapped in a blanket – gods, Will hoped he’d wrapped the blanket around his shoulders instead of just sitting on it, or giving them both to Meg – reading books about himself in the faint glow of a single flashlight in a bid to relearn about himself was a painful one.

How much of his sense of self had he lost?  His personality was rawer than Will was used to, pubescent mood swings to match the teenage body while his words meandered all over the place, from a hurt and defensive child to glimpses of a protective father Will remembered from private dreams.  It was a much fuller picture of his father than he’d had before, where dream visits had been short enough for Will to know that his dad loved him, and that his dad was very good at being an idiot, but in hindsight not much else.

Now, he felt like a person, which seemed almost blasphemous to think of a god, except Mr D was familiar and showed signs of depth, sometimes – if not as much as Apollo had shown in the past day and a half since he’d woken up.  The problem was that now that he was thinking about it, Will didn’t know if he was actually seeing Apollo.  There was no fakeness to Lester, not that he could tell, but if Apollo needed to read books about himself to know who he was, then could Will really believe that Lester was his dad?

Or at least, that Lester was all of his dad?

It wasn’t something he really wanted to think about.

He knelt down and picked up the books.  Apollo had left one open, looking abandoned in a hurry – maybe when Rachel’s helicopter had arrived, because Will knew better than to hope his dad had actually fallen asleep last night, even if his mortal body had needed it.  Will carefully didn’t look at what was on the page in question, feeling like knowing what, exactly, Apollo had wanted to read and perhaps relearn about himself would be too much.

Sometimes, ignorance was better.

It was easier, safer, to close the book without looking before adding it to the small pile of other books and moving on to folding the blankets.  He kept his movements methodical, lining the edges of the blanket up exactly before making each fold, until he had two carriable squares of blanket draped over one arm, flashlight and still-full water canteen tucked into the crook of his elbow, and the books in his free hand.

If the blankets ended up on his bed that night – the second night alone in a cabin that was never meant to be so empty – and the books open on his pillow after lights’ out with the flashlight to read by, well no-one else was there to prove it.

[dongzhou3kingdoms]

This was something I was writing up for a 3kdiscord but about Japan (premise being why bother learning if you can be told you are wrong) but was too long so turning it into tumblr post and sending link there

Why bother learning anything:

So in life, most people will learn things as they go along. Even those who claim they are too old to learn and thus create a burden on others. Most of the time people won't notice they are doing this. 

As language changes around them, they will stop using words and add new ones. Tech will bring in new words in itself, but also learning how to install and handle them. How to shop and what to look out for while doing so changes. Laws change (and the justice system might not be too sympathetic to “well the speed limit was such and such when I left university”), social attitudes change, food changes, and medicine changes. Think of the way climate change is already making you change your life in what you eat, the clothes you wear, and what things you do. 

If you pick up a video game series several instalments after the last one you played, some things of the game will be the same, and you will perhaps feel some warm similarities. But trying the same old tactics will fail you because the game has moved on and brought new things. So you adapt to the new features, you change the way you play.

If you were once fluent in a foreign language at school, and then didn't use it for ten years, you are likely to end up wrong on some things. Because your brain won't recall everything correctly (the brain needs to be refreshed), you are human and so will make mistakes. But also that the language will have changed since, so you won't know certain new words, which ones are now antiquated, or the ways things are phrased have changed. If you work in certain professions and don't learn, to keep up with the latest methods and technological changes, it will kill your career eventually as you become a dinosaur. 

This didn't make your education unhelpful (unless someone taught you something massively wrong, as does happen) but it means your education provides you a platform to keep learning and adapting as life changes. It provides you with a platform to deal with life's curveballs (like a pandemic) and to keep learning so you can deal with the changing world of humanity, tech and so on. Having learned a language, you still have building blocks to relearn it.

The creation of New Maths didn't suddenly mean the old way was not of great use to the world, the people couldn't use it to add, subtract, to make the sums work. Every time science advances and can reject a long-standing theory for something better based on new knowledge doesn't mean the science you learnt to understand the world better was useless. Just means that people, with passion and dedication, used those building blocks to advance our understanding of the world and that is a good thing.

To not learn is to deny yourself fun and will bite hard. Not changing when the law changes could see you in trouble. Refusing to adapt to the changing world can make life more lonely, more expensive, and less fun. It will also cut you off from being good at anything educational.

Being wrong

Nobody loves being told they are wrong. It also happens to historians. Aaron has mentioned Turnbull correcting his work, Rafe De Crespigny when updating his seminal work Generals of the South corrected himself because he realized he was wrong on the marriage of Sun Jian and Lady Wu after being corrected by others. Reviewers (in this case, one by Andrew Chittick) and other papers can call out another historian's work for errors. Publicly and not always kindly. 

Most here as amateurs will have read a work and realized we had got something wrong or, in forum discussions, been told we were wrong. Or conversely, read a professional make an error. It happens. Take the moment, use the new knowledge, work out what had gone wrong and build upon it. Yes, I have been wrong many times before, I learned novel backlash and then had to unlearn it, and I am better for it.

Unless your entire life involves not doing something, you will get things wrong. A social fumble, missing that leap in a video game and plummeting to death, managing to miss something obvious, spelling errors. If you put something out there in public, you are likely to put an error somewhere and have it pointed out.

This is fine. Not fun in the moment but fine. If playing a sport, do you not want a coach or a friend to give you a tip on how to improve or work on a weakness? To do better involves making mistakes, learning from them (via others) and practising. You do things again and again, becoming better via practice and learning new ways of doing it.

You are new at something: you are going to make mistakes. You aren't suddenly going to have a full understanding but build understanding over time, including learning from your mistakes. People make mistakes and if with good intent, more experienced people will be sympathetic and remember their own, the frustration becomes when someone doubles down on the error. 

There is very little in life where you can't make errors, or at least never have them discovered. It would have to be something very single-focused (single-player video games, watching TV/movies). Then never discuss them with anyone so you won't end up discovering a mistake of your own.

History

Forgive me, but my knowledge of Japanese history is about zilch, so I'll go with what I am familiar with as examples.

I think that if the answer to learning about the three kingdoms was “read the entirety of the records of the three kingdoms, and you are done”, it would be easier. Historians could just translate then move on to the next era, and we all be done. But also boring, it would be fun the first time but being able to recite like a parrot isn't intellectually stimulating.

It would also be awful advice. Knowing the records provides a useful platform, but it is only part of the piece. The records themselves, being made by humans, are imperfect and only a piece of the puzzle. All primary sources have the problem of dishonest, blinkered humans who (even if writing under a vow of absolute truth) are one-eyed and only able to see things from their perspective. 

Other sources need to be read to paint a fuller picture. Then you have histography: learning about the sources, their strengths, weaknesses, reliability, and biases. Learning how to interpret, how to deal with contradictory evidence. Other areas need to be explored, people look at architecture, philosophy, medicine, mysticism, how battles were fought, economics and so much more. I am pretty decent in some aspects, weak in others, people will find different strengths and interests within history. 

There is often so much more to explore to try to build more pieces of the puzzle. During this people will make mistakes. Taking something as truthful when more scepticism was needed. Finding out as they explore a new path that they need to rethink their old attitudes or past ideas.

Also, history changes. It would be a rather boring profession if, over centuries, it had stayed the same. It would be intellectually lazy if at no point historians went "Wait, are we looking at this wrong?" The way history is studied and written is different now than when the primary sources were written. The way history is understood has changed. People build on the ideas from the past but also challenge them with new perspectives. By reassessing and relooking at what we know rather than relying on ideas of the past, a better understanding of the past and our own lives can be built. 

Sometimes the challenge is new evidence emerges. Aaron has given an arcological one, records say one thing, but the soil suggests another and that means a fresh look is needed. Sometimes something dug up or found won't provide that sort of challenge but will provide more pieces of the puzzle to get a wider sense of something.

With history being a puzzle and where we have partial pieces of varying reliability, historians will come up with ideas, and new perspectives. Once history was built around the idea of a great man forging the world, now we point to wider factors and the surrounding support. How much do we take into account oral records? In 3kingdoms history, one of the big changes one is seeing is the push towards recognizing regional identities, culture, and ambitions rather than just seeing it from a northern all-China perspective that long dominated the way people thought about the era.

Furthermore, a human being reading history is not a blank slate. Most humans had some sort of education in history, perhaps seen a documentary or two, and picked up “fun facts”. The era they choose to study will likely be from something that caught their interest. It could be a part of their national history, it could be a TV show, a film, a manga or a game (Dynasty Warriors for me). 

Now, people are sensible enough to know pop culture isn't historically accurate. But that doesn't mean it won't influence them, how they think people lived, what they did and said, how battles were fought. If films keep telling you that medieval times were drab and dreary, it seems realistic versus a more colourful version which would be more accurate. People's ideas of realism can get confused with accuracy. Cao Cao being calm and willingness to sacrifice his reputation has the quality of realism but it is not accurate, Zuo Ci's casting magic gets dismissed but is historically accurate

Often at the start, one is helping unpick certain ideas or concepts they played/watched/found on the internet and questions on places like AskHistorians are often influenced by some idea of history that is wrong. Novel backlash is a major 3kingdom problem, game portrayals of characters (Cao Cao and Liu Bei particularly), the way people think of magic, the Nanman, and the “did what had to be done” issue.

Unpicking that is part of learning history. Of why people think that, of learning how to move on from such ideas. Yes, it does mean facing up to being wrong, having the way one thinks challenged and changed, picking up new better practices and improving. Then passing it down the line. Someone who reads the novel or comes to it the history from a game will initially read the records from the perspective of what they have picked up in the past rather then from fresh new eyes. Learning to deal with such influences is part of improving oneself and that includes going "well I was wrong about this" or "I mishandled the gaps between historical and novel persona".

Why is it Fun

So there was a discussion a few weeks ago about contrarians. The idea proposed they should be welcomed is their challenge to people's logic, exploring ideas and providing intellectual growth and stimulation, of being like a puzzle. The problem with contrarians is they don't provide that, and it serves no purpose other than as a time-suck.

History does provide that stimulation, that growth and the furthering of people's logic, it is like a puzzle. You are learning about the past, about people, about society, furthering your understanding of humanity. Learning how to research, how to analyse what you are being told, how to combine different information, how to see things through different perspectives, how to deal with bias, how to make arguments. Having your perspective challenged and widened via new arguments and new information. 

All with a purpose. With each biography you read, with each article and discussion, chances are you are learning something. When hanging around with fellow history lovers, you have a chance to share a passion as well as knowledge. Sometimes that includes finding out you're wrong but that is part of learning in most things.

All while reading of big petulant personalities, love, jokes, big battles, decisions of state and decisions of more personal natures. History can be about anything, the buildings we create, what people wore, and what they believed. Whatever catches your eye and draws you in, inspires you to want to learn more. Humanity is a complex thing, capable of wonder and horror, of big ideas and immense stupidity, hate and love, of creation and destruction. Reading about them, their world and what shapes them is educational and entertaining. 

Change happens because humanity changes, it learns, and it can try to do better. Change helps us increase our understanding of the past and that requires the humility to be open to new ideas, to be open to that we can be wrong and have the flexibility to change. It is a good thing that history evolves, it leaves us with more to explore, and helps us better prepare for life while we also seek to expand our understanding. To have the flexibility to take that we were wrong and to learn from it is not an unuseful skill to have in life.

However, it isn't just history. Maybe history and the past leaves one cold. That is fair enough and maybe your passion is numbers, maybe it is coaching a sports team, maybe it is the literary arts, maybe it is how the world works or a whole host of things. But with intelligent people also enjoying those, they will adapt and change it over time so you will have to be prepared, whatever catches your passions, to be prepared to make errors as you learn, to be willing and adapt to the change. Not to bemoan that things you learn change but to embrace it.

[greetings-inferiors]

Hey, I realize you do like maths. As someone who didnt go through highschool but got a highschool degree with only REALLY BASIC maths knowledge, I wanna ask: - Any advice or recommendations for someone who wants/needs to catch up/go from elementary to highschool maths ASAP many years after dropping the subject?

It seems to be an interesting subject but I had teachers that were so bad at teaching and so good at shaming and traumatizing that it blocked me and made me avoid maths like the plague, I do want to start over with maths and try again while making it a good experience this time, I need advice. Pls help. (anonymous cause embarrassed to admit I can barely get around with the basic 4 operations and begin getting lost when it goes into fractions, decimals, porcentages etc, and as a college student I should know advanced stuff like factoration and complex expressions by now)

I am incredibly blessed with the fact that I love maths, and had great teachers. I don’t really know how to get good at maths because by the time I was actually conscious about liking maths, I was already pretty good at it. I never had that thing of having to be better, because I’ve always just been good at it, and the things that I didn’t know I enjoyed learning so I just learnt them.

The problem with having to relearn something is that you FEEL like you’re better than you are. I stopped learning Japanese for a few months, and when I come back to it, I’ll have to go over basic kanji again, my brain tells me that I know it, but I don’t. I need to go over the basics, but before I learnt the basics with the spark of learning pushing me through. Now I’ve got to essentially revise something I forgot. It sucks.

What I’d recommend, is by jumping into the deep end. There are lots of maths videos on YouTube, and they’re really interesting, but you won’t understand anything. But that’s fine, because the things you don’t understand, you can watch videos about those. And the parts of those you don’t understand you can research into that. It may not be the most efficient way to learn, but eventually you will. Trial by fire and all that, and it might be more fun because you’re looking at stuff that interests you! You’ll find that the simple stuff actually has rather complex and interesting explanations, which I find really cool.

If you want to relearn quickly, then you just have to study. It sucks, but that’s just how it is. I don’t know what elementary school is, I assume it’s 11-14, and high school probably means gcse, which is 15-16.

Some basic tips:

Think of the operators as logically as possible. When you see 5x15, literally think of 15 added together 5 times. Think of 6/20 as 6 lots of 1/20 (which itself is 0.05. Maybe even think of it as 1/2 times 1/10.) basically just think of the operators as simply as possible until you’re able to think of them as their own thing. Then you can start introducing indices, square roots, etc.

Don’t be afraid of using a calculator (learning how to use a calculator effectively will massively boost your mathematical literacy).

write everything down (don’t rely on your mental maths. If you literally have to do every single equation on a piece of paper (assuming calculators aren’t allowed), do it. Never trust your mental maths until you’re certain that you’ve got good mental maths. Seriously, 90% of mistakes come from trying to make a shortcut in your head and messing up. Many people, my self included in the past, see writing down your working out as a sign of weakness, it isn’t.

Try to avoid the divisor symbol as much as possible, it isn’t actually an operator, it’s shorthand for fractions (the dots are placeholders for the things in front and behind). Honestly, you should prioritise getting comfortable with fractions. They’re really useful, especially in algebra.

If you get good at algebra, you’ll be good at almost everything maths can throw at you. Being able to rearrange equations is a skill that you will literally never not use. It also helps you with regular number equations because you can think of the numbers as variables. It sounds weird or as if you’re complicating it, but it can help.

(A/B)*C=(A*C)/B. It’s surprising how useful it is, and how often I’ll forget about it lmao

Look into geometry! Everything you do in maths can and has been described with shapes. And for some people that can help them visualise it! If shapes help you with maths, look into shapes! Geometry!

Factorisation is essentially just the reverse of multiplication. (2*5*7)=70, therefore the prime factors of 70 are 2,5, and 7. The same applies to algebra. Just think of what could be multiplied together to make x^2+3x+2. And hey, there’s a really handy formula for finding out the factors of quadratics that I highly recommend memorising if you think you’ll need it!

And most of all: try and have fun! Basic maths can be very tedious, but think of it like learning a language. Once you get the alphabet (numbers) and grammar (operators) out of the way, you’ll start to see all of the complex words and phrases you can create, and understand. And, best of all, you will NEVER stop learning, so you may as well start now!

[summerlycoris]

Is it really a birthday party if you wake up in a hospital?

chapter 8- Give me that nice, strong, steady arm.

Current chspter- ao3 link

Chronological timeline- tumblr link

********

It felt like forever since she'd seen anything but the walls and garden of the St George Children's hospital. But now, she was in a different room. A private room, with a window to the outside. The afternoon sun was shining through. There were some beautiful flowers just outside her window, and a tree swaying in the wind visible in the frame. It was nice, and calming. 

She still had her back brace, to wear while sitting up. Though she no longer had her wrist brace- before sending her here, they'd done some more x-rays to make sure everything was healing nicely, despite some… complications. Like nearly falling over trying to chase Gregory a few weeks ago. Her broken left wrist had healed. Just in time- she'd need it while she was here.

Her right leg looked like it was healing well on the x-ray as well- they were just keeping her in the moon boot for one more week, to make sure not to re-injure it. Left leg… that would be in for another two weeks unfortunately. It was healing better than expected, but they still wanted to be careful with it.

Mom had hired her a wheelchair, while they figured out if she'd need one in the future or not. Turns out, that's what the measurements at the hospital had been for. So that she could hire a chair for the short-term. Cassie hadn't paid much attention- she'd had bigger things on her mind. 

It had a red frame, with black wheels. And they were big wheels that you could push on. Like Lawrence had at the hospital. Soon, Cassie would have some freedom again. She couldn't wait.

Things were already so different. She'd only just arrived here- Mom had got here ahead of her, and put some of her clothes and belongings away- and they were already making a plan with her, about what she wanted to accomplish here. Cassie was sitting up on her bed, listening in. (not in bed, which she was grateful for.) The manager here had already gone over what Cassie should expect at this facility, and what the facility expected of Cassie. (Same sort of rules as school- keep to a dress code, don't hit, don't scream out swears… I think I can handle that.)

"From what I've seen of your records, Cassie, your main goals here are recovering after severe sepsis, and learning how to manage your spinal injury. You've got a good prognosis- most people who have brown- sequard syndrome can get back most of their mobility. However, that's still a way off for you." Mrs Morrison said. 

She looked like a really formal kind of lady, just based on her clothes and hairstyle. Cassie wouldn't lie- she was a little intimidating. "We will need to start smaller- relearning how to do some tasks independently, and rebuilding muscle strength." She started writing "daily living tasks" and "strength training" onto the goal- board on the wall, facing her bed. Her old case manager, from St George, agreed over the speaker phone.

Cassie nodded at this. She'd already done some thinking about this, on the way up to Salt Lake City. She'd done well at her physio sessions, but they were only the basic building blocks- how to transfer with help, how to roll and sit up by herself, practicing partial weight bearing, practicing movement. What she'd learnt there wouldn't be enough to go home with. Or back to school.

"Do you or Mom have anything you would like to suggest, or any corrections?" Mrs Morrison asked.

Mrs Morrison seemed… kinda stern. She hadn't smiled when they first met. Cassie didn't want to look silly in front of her, but she had asked for suggestions…

"I, umm. I guess I'd like to get to talk to people here and make some friends? Is that a goal?"

Mrs Morrison still didn't smile, but she did get a twinkle in her eye. "That's a great goal- because it gives you motivation to do your best." She wrote down "make friends" on the goal board. "Y'know, you can get started with these goals tonight, Cassie. Your physiatrist will come see you shortly for your first session. They will then help you get ready for dinner. It's out in the main cafeteria. Does that suit?"

Cassie nodded again, beaming. 

After that, they talked for a while to discuss the timetable for Cassie's days. Therapy would be in the morning sessions, with the afternoons devoted to catching up with school. ("Today is different, because you only just arrived.") Saturdays would just have therapy sessions in the morning, with a scheduled outing in the afternoon (if her Mom agreed.) While Sundays were a free day- for worship, or parents to visit.

When they were done talking about the timetable, Mrs Morrison put her pen away on the board, hung up the phone call, then turned back towards them- "that should be it for today. I'll meet up with you again soon, Cassie. And I'll keep in contact with you, Mrs Oliveira-Mathers. I'll leave you two, so you can chat privately."

She left, and shut the door behind her. Cassie's Mom slumped down next to the bed, in a living room chair. "Oh goodness, what a drive…" Cassie and her Mom had come up separately- the hospital had arranged transport for Cassie, they didn't want her sitting in a car for four hours yet. So Mom had to drive up here all by herself.

"Thank you for coming up with me, Mom." She knew her Mom hated long distance driving. And she still chose to be with me…

Mom laughed. "It's no problem, Starbright. I needed to bring up your luggage anyway, or you'd be stuck without a change of clothes."

"Yeah, imagine if I had to wear this for three weeks? They'd kick me out for smelling bad after a week!" Cassie was wearing a basic black long sleeve- she'd learnt from hospital that bright-colored shirts made her brace stick out like a sore thumb. (Which was unfortunate- because most of her shirts were bright or light colors.) However, she was able to wear a more vibrant pair of culottes- with a bright coral color- that stuck out for good reasons.

Mom yawned. "They sure would… Are you going to feel okay overnight? I know it's a big change." She started puttering around the room, double checking that she'd got everything out of the luggage bag.

"Yeah, I'll be fine Mom. I'm not a baby anymore." She was definitely not going to feel homesick. Definitely. She was a big girl now- thirteen year olds don't cry because they're away from home!

Mom came over, and hugged Cassie. "I know, I know. I just worry about you. You'll always be my baby to me."

"Mooom…" Cassie was glad this room was private- or she'd totally get teased for this. She hugged Mom back, despite the protest.

"Are you gonna be staying at a hotel tonight, Mom? Otherwise you'd be driving too much in one day." Cassie asked. As much as Mom worried about her, she worried about her too. Mom worked herself to the bone- she had two jobs. Her day job working with troubled teens, and her dream job of running boxing classes. And Cassie knew if she drove home tonight in time to be ready for work tomorrow, she would.

Mom thought about it for a moment, which didn't fill Cassie with much hope. Eventually, Mom let go of Cassie and her shoulders slumped. "Well, I guess I'll have to stay. It'll be too dangerous to drive at night…"

"That's okay! Mom- there's some cool places to visit in Salt Lake City… you could go visit the Cathedral of the Madeleine? You love historic places. And churches. From what I heard, it should still be open." Cassie had asked a worker at the hospital about places in Salt Lake City earlier, just for a moment like this. "You could send me some photos. I'd like to see it too." She didn't really, but knew that'd convince Mom to go do something fun.

Though maybe she'd been too obvious. Mum looked at her with a grin, and ruffled her hair. "I didn't realize you were interested in churches… maybe when we go home you can come with me on Sundays." Mom said, calling her… well it wasn't a bluff. She's calling out my white lie. 

Cassie had to think quickly to get out of this. "Yeah, well, this one's new to me! It's probably got some cool stained glass windows, and paintings… I've already seen everything at your church! I'd be bored out of my mind."

Mom laughed, and smoothed Cassie's hair back out, after messing with it. "Alright, alright. I'll check it out. Don't worry, I already booked a hotel room when I got here. I'm not going anywhere."

Cassie breathed a sigh of relief, and the conversation lulled for a bit. Changing the topic, Cassie asked "do you think I'll like it here? It looked nice in the pictures, and when they took me through earlier." Despite everything, she was still a bit nervous. Not about staying overnight- but about whether she'd like the other kids. And if they'd like me back. 

Mom seemed to hear the part of the question she hadn't asked. "I'm sure you will make friends here, Cassie. There's plenty of kids here, and I know there'll be someone who's right for you."

"Thanks, Mom. Cassie said. Even if she didn't, she could still talk to Lawrence. But she hoped she did meet someone here. Talking on the phone just wasn't the same.

They chatted for a little longer, mostly just about what Mom had packed Cassie, and showing her where she had put everything.

Then it was time to say goodbye.

"I'll ring you every night, okay? Make sure to be a good girl." Mom said, pulling Cassie in for the last hug in a while.

"I will, I love you."

"I love you too. Have a great time, Starbright."

And then Mom left. And Cassie was alone with her thoughts for a while.

She wasn't sure how to feel about this place, yet. She held her Roxy plushie close.

________

Shortly after Mom left, Cassie's physiatrist knocked on the door.

"Umm, come in." Cassie felt a bit rude, because she couldn't, well, let her in. At least she wasn't stuck laying down.

The physiatrist opened the door and walked in, up to the bed. "Good afternoon Cassie, I'm Rebecca. I'm going to be working with you, while you're here." Cassie said her hellos, and then Rebecca went up to the goal board, to check it over. "That makes sense…" 

She then walked over to Cassie. "So, today we're going to start with something simple, we'll start with some stretches in bed, and then we'll see how you handle weight bearing…" She said.

"Actually, can I ask something?" Rebecca nodded, so Cassie continued. "I've been stuck in bed for weeks. And when I wasn't in bed, I was being pushed around. I'd like to be able to go places by myself again. Could you, um, show me how?" 

Cassie had a… rough idea on how this all worked. She'd seen people using wheelchairs in movies, and she'd seen Lawrence scoot around the ward. (Though he only needed one hand? She didn't know how that worked.) But a rough idea is a lot different to knowing how to do something. And Cassie liked knowing things.

Rebecca looked at her. And Cassie thought she was going to say "no" from the hesitation. But instead, she said. "We could do that. It's a big change, huh?"

Thank goodness she gets it. "You can say that again- I went from being able to go anywhere, to being able to go nowhere. At least, without help. I think I was going a little stir-crazy at the hospital for a while." She admitted, twisting up a loose piece of hair.

Rebecca laughed a little. "Well, you won't have to go stir-crazy here. We're planning on having you up and about in no time." Rebecca came over to the bed, and found something underneath. A transfer board. Just like the one Cassie had used in the hospital. "What we need to do first is get you in the chair. Have you been using a transfer board previously?"

Cassie nodded. "Yeah, at the hospital. Though it's less like I used it, and more that people used it on me." Cassie had been warned- repeatedly- against trying to twist her back (because spinal fusion) or press down on her wrists (because of her broken left wrist.) During transfer. So with the transfer board, she'd just been shuffled along it by her old physio and Mom. Just… leaning into them. And she knew why. But it had still kinda made her feel like an oversized doll.

"This time, I want you to use the board. I'll be in front, to coach you. But I want you to show me how you would use it." Rebecca said, giving the transfer board to Cassie. Thrown straight in the deep end. But I prefer it there.

First thing was to sit herself properly- at the edge of the bed, feet on the ground. She was wearing her moon boots already. And pushed down to see how her legs were going to behave. 

Rebecca set up the chair, putting the brakes on, moving out the footrests, and flipping up the armrest closest to Cassie.

"Okay, so, umm..." Cassie said, mostly to herself. She grabbed the slide board, and shifted part of it underneath her, leaving the other end on the chair. She wasn't entirely sure she was doing this right, but if it was wrong, Rebecca would stop her right?

She didn't stop Cassie. Just looked at her expectantly, and knelt down in front of her. Arms out, in case Cassie went too far forward. So Cassie kept going. "Okay, nose over toes…" she tried pushing up through her arms, and moving over. It worked a bit, but she only moved a few inches. And her left arm was already tiring. She grumbled under her breath- she wasn't going to give up now!

For the next attempt, she pushed through with her arms and with her right leg. She was able to get somewhere that time- maybe 5 inches along? And it wasn't as tiring. She looked at Rebecca. Rebecca looked at her. "Am- am I doing this right?"

Rebecca tilted her head. "If it works for you, then it's right. Keep it up, you're nearly there." Cassie nodded, and did exactly that. With two more attempts, she'd cleared the board and was in the wheelchair, panting a bit with exertion. 

"Good job. You did well." Rebecca said, standing back up with a stretch. "We'll take a few minutes to rest, okay?" Cassie nodded, catching her breath. The last time she'd really exerted herself was, well, when she thought she'd seen Gregory.

She'd lost most of her strength being laid up. And gained a little bit back with physio. 

But not nearly enough.

While Cassie caught her breath, Rebecca pulled out the transfer board, putting it away. She buckled Cassie in and sorted out the footrests, putting back the armrest too.

"When you're ready, I'll take you to a different room to practice. This room is just a little too small." Rebecca stood up straight now. "Let me know when you're ready."

Cassie nodded.

________

The training had been tough, but useful. Cassie hadn't realized how difficult pushing herself was going to be, before doing this. It wasn't just arm strength needed- it was core strength too. Something she didn't have much of anymore. 

She also hadn't realized that she was supposed to grab the metal rings instead of the tires. ("Grab the push rims if you don't want to get your fingers torn on the rubber." Rebecca had warned her.)

By the time thirty minutes was up,  Cassie just couldn't keep going. She'd been brought back to her room to rest. Now her moon boots and her brace were off, and she could lay down for a bit before dinner.

"You did a good job today." Rebecca said. "It's hard work, and it may feel like too much. But the more you practice, the easier this'll get." She walked over to the goal board, which had some papers stuck to it showing how many weeks Cassie was planned to be here. 

Cassie knew, from the earlier meeting, that she was supposed to be here for about three weeks. She'd be here until the tenth of October, in fact. She could still see the board from her position, lying down. But not the details on the sheets.

"We'll try you on something a bit different tomorrow morning. Because you should be able to weight-bear on both legs. But you only used one earlier." She turned back to Cassie, as if to ask "why?"

"My leg- um, the left one- it just… it doesn't work well anymore. It goes all stupid. Whenever I try to stand on it, my leg cramps, my knee gives out and I nearly fall over."

"That does make sense, with your injuries…" She trailed off, in a train of thought. "Okay. This" She came over and tapped Cassie's left knee, leaning over the bed. "That's fixable. Or at least workable with. Your knee will get stronger with time, and practice. Are you taking any medications for spasticity?”

Cassie had to think about it, for a moment. “I'm taking baclofen, uh, three times a day.”

“Do you know what dose? If not, I can check your forms.”

“Yeah, it’s… five milligrams each?”

Rebecca shook her head. “Just five milligrams? When did your doctor give them to you? Do you remember?”

“About two weeks ago. But he said he wanted to see if it’d improve with physical therapy, before increasing the dose.” Cassie admitted. She felt a bit silly, because… well, things hadn’t improved. But that doctor had looked at her like she was a nuisance, when he’d come in to see her at the hospital for a follow up. She hadn’t been interested in seeing him again. Let alone telling him that it wasn’t working.

And now she was wondering if Rebecca would think she was silly, too.

Rebecca looked straight at her, while she fidgeted. Before sighing. 

“Like I said- very fixable. Your doctor should’ve realized- if spasms aren't managed, it’s harder to do physical therapy in the first place. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this. I’ll get in contact with your mother, and hopefully get permission to prescribe you a higher dose. Does that sound okay?”

Cassie nodded, feeling relieved. While Rebecca stood back up. “Tomorrow, we'll try you in the gait trainer-”

“What's a gait trainer?” Cassie interrupted.

Rebecca didn't take it weirdly. "It's a machine we have, you stand up in a harness that helps take most weight off. You can practice standing in it, or walking in it. Tomorrow, we'll get you to practice standing. We'll see how you go for walking in it, though. Afterwards, there'll be a group physical therapy session that I think you should join in on."

Cassie nodded, holding onto her Roxy plushie. She felt a little babyish for wanting to hold it- but it was one of the only things she had from home, and she'd worked hard today. She felt especially babyish when Rebecca took notice of it. Cassie went to hide it under the covers.

She laughed lightly. "Don't worry- you're not the only teen here with a comfort object. Actually, I wanted to ask about it- could we use it for the group session tomorrow? One of my colleagues is looking for ‘very important objects’- his words!"

Cassie could feel her eyebrows furrow. "What kind of group session?" 

Rebecca just put her finger in front of her mouth, in a shushing motion. "It's a secret- but you'll get it back at the end. We won't lose it on you! And other kids will be volunteering their toys for the game, too."

Oh, so it'll be something like a treasure hunt. "I don't have to give you her right now, right? Can I give you her tomorrow?"

"Yes, you can give her to us tomorrow if you want."

Cassie nodded, holding her plushie tightly. Just in case Rebecca changed her mind suddenly. 

She didn't change her mind. She said her goodbyes, and letting Cassie know a nurse would be in shortly to help her get ready for dinner.

Cassie could feel her heartbeat slow down to its usual pace, and the muscles in her arms and core ache. It had been an exhausting day, traveling up here, and then training. But it had been a good day- she'd made some progress. And with practice, it wouldn't be as hard to do. She just had to keep trying. 

________

Cassie first had some occupational therapy using her wheelchair, then had some success in the gait trainer the next morning. Turns out, if you're suspended slightly and aren't putting all your weight through your legs, it's easier to stand up. She'd been in the trainer for maybe twenty minutes, practicing keeping her back straight, and putting some weight through both legs. (With extra prompting to keep the left one straight.) It still wasn't easy. Her left leg would still twitch and hurt. But it was easier, and she was happy with that.

Rebecca had brought over a long mirror for Cassie to check how she was standing in it. "Do you see anything you could change in the mirror?" Rebecca had asked.

Cassie had looked, and thought about it before answering- "My hair. A ponytail, with a big scrunchie might look cute…" She tilted slightly to try and see the back of her hair.

Rebecca shook her head, trying to keep a straight face. "I don't mean that- you can use the mirror in your room for that later. I meant, have a look at yourself- are you off center? Are your shoulders drooping? If you see something that you can change, then go ahead."

"Oh- um. Yep." That was a little embarrassing. She checked in the mirror, seeing that she'd been leaning slightly to her right and taking more weight off her left leg. She fixed that up and stood straight again. "This has wheels, right? When should I start walking in it?" She asked.

Rebecca thought it over, looking between Cassie and Ash, a physio who was currently sitting near Cassie's legs, prompting the left one straight. "We might try the walking tomorrow, because it'll be time for the group session soon- you won't want to miss it. It'll be a great chance to meet some kids like yourself."

________

Cassie had just finished fixing up her hair- hard to do when you're lying down in bed- when she was shown the way over to the group session. It took place a fair way across the building, and Cassie had pushed herself most of the way there before needing to ask for help. 

The nurse helped her the rest of the way, into a large room set up with different objects all through the room. Chairs and tables acting as obstacles. And there were boxes- lots of boxes to hide things under. The chairs and tables were all different, some had boxes underneath. And the boxes had pieces of paper stuck to them. Yep, I knew it would be a treasure hunt. Cassie knew in one of these boxes, would be her Roxy plush.

There were some other kids in the room waiting. Some using crutches, some like her, and some walking around. Most of the kids were younger than her, or the same age, while one was older than her. The nurse found a spot for Cassie to stay, before heading off to do other work. This spot was near the older-looking girl, who had a pretty, shiny, black plait running down her back. She had a crutch leant up beside her as she sat. She looked bored, with her chin in her fair-skinned hands.

Everyone waited for a bit, some of the kids sitting closer to each other were having little conversations, while the adults fussed around, sorting out some stuff at the last minute. Cassie wasn't sure how long this would all take, so she decided to try and talk to the bored girl next to her.

"Um, hello. I'm Cassie. What's your name?" She asked the girl. 

The girl didn't move her head, just flicked her eyes over. It took her a bit to answer. "Huh? You need something?" She stumbled over her words a bit. They sounded slurred too, Cassie had to focus to understand her. 

She recoiled, then tried again. "Er, no. I just wanted to say hello…"

This time, she did turn her head towards Cassie. Her face gave nothing away. "Hello." Then she turned back and put her head in her hands again.

Cassie rolled her eyes, turning away as well. What's her deal? Instead of talking to that girl, she focused on what the adults were doing.

Luckily, they were nearly done setting up. She could see Ash and some other workers, holding small sheets of paper in their hands.

"Good morning everyone, and thank you for attending." One of the workers- his name tag had ‘Frank’ on it- said. "Today, we've got a special activity for you all- a treasure hunt."

The girl next to Cassie groaned, and went to stand up, before a nurse went to talk to her. Cassie tried to refocus on what Frank was saying-

"- so everyone has kindly given us some very important objects to use in this game, thank you all very much for that, everyone! For this game, we'll be in teams of two, and working together to solve clues on our pieces of paper. Once you've solved them, find the right answer around the room, and you will find the object. Once you've found all the objects on your list, you can give them back to their owners."

Cassie's stomach dropped. Oh, this could be a problem. I hope whoever finds my Roxy gives her back… she'd thought that this treasure hunt would be to find her own toy, not someone else's.

"We've sorted you into teams based around age, so that no one gets a problem that's out of their league. If you need help, first ask your teammate, then ask a friend, then ask one of us. This game is mostly to practice mental skills, and physical skills. Does that make sense?" He asked. Most of the others nodded. 

"In that case- here are the teams!" He started rattling off names, from youngest to oldest- "Lisa and David. Morgan and Stacey…" as he went, the teams would group up near each other. Once he got past the little kids, Cassie could see the ones her age get paired up- "Annette and Harry…" and this left her with one thought-

Please not her please not her-

"Cassie and Siobhan."

Cassie turned towards the last person left unpaired. The bored girl with an attitude. They looked at each other.

… this'll be fun.

________

"Okay, so we need to solve… for x? Algebra? Really?" Cassie said, mostly to herself. Bored girl- Siobhan- wasn't really listening. Kinda just… plodding around absent-mindedly. Leaning onto the crutch, held under her left armpit.

Cassie grumbled. She hated group projects where some people didn't put in any effort. And this looked like it would wrap up that way.

She studied the first clue- it was just basic algebra. Not hard at all… usually. But Cassie hadn't been back to school yet. After more than four months absence. And algebra hadn't come naturally to her during school anyway- she'd had to work hard to get her good grade in math.

"(5x12)÷x=20... what would x be…?" She tried to figure it out. But her brain wouldn't work properly- she couldn't focus on it?

She sighed, and remembered what Frank had said- "If you need help, first ask your teammate, then ask a friend, then ask one of us." 

"Hey, Siobhan, can you help me with this clue? I, um, kinda forgot how to do this…" She trailed off. 

Siobhan turned away from inspecting the light fixture, towards Cassie. "What's the thing?" She asked, then snatched the paper out of Cassie's hands.

"Hey- don't snatch." She grumbled quietly. Siobhan didn't seem to care if she was rude- she looked over the paper.

Then kept looking. Crumpling the paper with their fingers.

Then looked at Cassie.

"... it's easy. You can do it." She said, dismissively.

Cassie groaned out loud. "No, I can't do it- or I wouldn't have asked for help."

Siobhan's face changed for the first time that Cassie had seen- into a tight lipped grin on the left side of her face. "Are you stupid? I got paired with a stupid girl? A baby?"

… That got Cassie seeing red.

"I am not stupid. You're just mean- heck, I bet you can't solve this either! Even though you're… how old are you anyway?

Siobhan had drawn away. "Fifteen."

"Fifteen!" Cassie spat out "and you can't even help with middle school algebra?" 

She reached up and snatched the paper off Siobhan, who growled out at that. Cassie just rolled her eyes, biting her tongue so she wouldn't call her names. 

She took her paper and herself away, over to a nearby group of kids her age- Harry and Annette. They were trying to pretend they were solving their clue, instead of watching the nearby drama. Cassie took a deep breath, before she got close. "Hello. My teammate and I are struggling with this clue. Could you two help us out? It's a math question." 

Harry and Annette looked like they were siblings, because they had similar light skin, and light brown hair. But she wasn't sure if they were siblings. Yet. 

Cassie could hear Siobhan plodding up behind her.

"Yeah, we can help you. But can you help us too? We've got a strange riddle as our first clue." Harry said, holding out his paper.

They swapped, and had a look. "'What month of the year has twenty-eight days?' Umm, February? But sometimes it has twenty-nine…" Cassie said.

"We thought that too- but none of the boxes have 'February' on them. So that can't be it." Annette said, while Harry focused on the math question.

Well, that had her stumped. She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to puzzle it out. Which was annoying- she had been good at puzzles before… everything.

Maybe she's right, and I am just stupid now.

Cassie shook her head, to try and dislodge that thought. She could figure this out. What month has twenty-eight days…?

She got distracted by an unwanted interruption. More specifically, someone grabbing her chair and spinning her backwards without any warning.

"Hey- let go!" Cassie squealed, biting back some words that would get her in trouble.

It was Siobhan. Of course. Cassie grit her teeth, and put the brakes on so she couldn't do that again. She was half-tempted to kick that girl's crutch out from under her. Siobhan slowly let go of the handle. And seemed to be thinking of… Oh, I have no idea. How to be more of a jerk? Cassie could hear giggling from behind her, and someone else shushing them.

"What is it?" She asked, trying to keep a level voice, and a snarl off her face.

Siobhan seemed to think for a little, right arm still extended as if to grab Cassie again. "September has twenty-eight days." She stumbled out, in the end.

Wow, got a real Einstein working with you today, Cassie. "September has thirty days. But thanks for trying." She took off her brakes and went to turn back towards Harry and Annette, who now both sounded like they were laughing. Wonderful. 

"No- I-" and she got grabbed. And dragged back. Again. This time, Cassie pushed backwards. And nearly ran into Siobhan, forcing her to let go. 

Cassie turned to face her. "What do you want?" She asked through gritted teeth. 

Siobhan looked frustrated, and rolled her eyes. "You don't understand- all of them. All the months. They are all twenty-eight days."

Cassie didn't have a ton of patience today. But now it has officially run out. "What are you talking about? Are you basing this off moon phases or something? We're not talking about that! Stop pulling me around to talk nonsen-"

"Hey wait- that could be it. The question didn't say 'only has twenty-eight days' any month that has more than twenty-eight, would have those days in it, right?" Annette said. Cassie grabbed the paper off her lap, and checked it. 

That was… that was a real possibility. Um…  Harry and Annette went to go look at the boxes, leaving Cassie and Siobhan there in awkward silence. They couldn't leave, because Harry still had their own piece of paper in his hand.

Cassie knew she should probably say sorry. For being condescending and rude. But she didn't want to. She started it! And she kept grabbing me. I'm not apologizing until she does!

Besides, she still could've been talking nonsense. Her answer could be wrong. 

That hope was dashed when Harry came back with a little music box in his hands. "We got it! We got it!" He cheered. "One down- two to go!"

Annette limped along behind him, panting a bit. "Thank you for helping us. Oh wait- Harry. Did you know the math one?" She asked, resting on her crutches.

He stopped cheering, and checked the question again. "Oh yeah, it's easy. X is just three." He said with a grin. 

Cassie could've screamed. Instead she took the paper back with a big "Thank you!" and a plastered-on smile. 

Then she left, before she could say something awful to a boy who had just been trying to help, and who definitely hadn't realized he was stomping all over her exposed nerves. 

(I'm not stupid I'm not stupid-)

Once she'd calmed down a bit, she looked at the next clue on the paper.

"'What is the name of Anne's best friend in Anne of Green Gables'... it's Diana." Everybody knows that one… Cassie had read it last year for Literature class.

She sighed. At least I can still remember old stuff… she put the paper in her pocket, and went looking for a box labeled 'Diana'. Cassie had no idea where Siobhan had gone- and didn't really care at that point. She'd been annoying, and Cassie knew if she kept being annoying, she'd eventually scream at her.

Cassie had to weave through the obstacles of chairs and tables, as well as around other kids and workers. But eventually, she found the 'Diana Barry' box.

There was just one problem. It was on the floor under a table. And she couldn't reach it. Even when trying to lean over the armrest in a way that would get her Mom complaining. (‘You're supposed to keep your back straight!’) 

Cassie slumped in defeat- today had started out okay, but it had quickly gone downhill, like an ATM on a trolley rolling down a staircase. She was seriously considering just undoing her seatbelt and slumping to the floor to get it- that way she could at least see what was inside- until she heard someone plodding up beside her.

She quickly jammed on her brakes, and tilted to see who it was. Of course, it was Siobhan. She nearly rolled her eyes- until she saw that Siobhan had a book in her hand. And she remembered- they "solved" the math puzzle. But Cassie had run off without even attempting to find the "three" box.

"Oh. Um- thank you for getting that."  Cassie said, feeling kind of sheepish.

Siobhan didn't say anything. She just kept her eyes to the side and pressed the book into Cassie's hands, who looked at her in confusion. "I can't grab and carry stuff. You carry it."

Cassie was about to spit out something like "what am I, your pack mule?" Until Siobhan knelt down and grabbed the box she'd been struggling with.

She handed that box to Cassie. It was a fairly big box, so Cassie had to rest the book in her lap to grab it. "Unwrap please." Siobhan said, as she leant against the table to stand up again.

Cassie grumbled under her breath, but she did open the box. Inside was a fluffy tabby cat plushie, with a little label tied around its neck saying "Lisa." She chucked the box back under the table, and checked the book- it had a little label on the back saying "David." So that's how we're getting these back.

She heard a noise, and saw that Siobhan had finally gotten back up. She was looking at her. Things felt pretty awkward.

"Okay, um. We still have one more to go…" Cassie said, juggling the possessions piling up as she fished for the paper in the pocket. Once it was out, she read out loud. "'What invention lets you look right through a wall?'" The V.A.N.N.I mask, she didn't say. "Maybe an x-ray machine?" She suggested.

Siobhan just looked at her. "No. Not that."

Cassie could feel herself getting frustrated again, but tried not to be a brat about it. "What do you think it is?"

"It's a window. I think." She suggested, then walked off. Cassie sighed, tried to keep everything secure in her lap, and went after her.

"Yeah, but it said 'invention'. Would a window count?"

Siobhan turned back to her. "Someone invented windows. They didn't just happen. Look for window." Then she continued plodding around, glancing at boxes.

This time, she really did roll her eyes. But she also went off looking for 'window'- if Siobhan was right, they'd be done and Cassie would be glad this was over. If she was wrong, Cassie could feel gratified that Siobhan screwed up.

They stuck together to find the next box. Or rather, Cassie stayed with Siobhan- she wouldn't be able to grab the box without her, even if she found it first. They weaved through the obstacle course, it felt more like a maze at times. Except they could see over the top, at the other kids and workers milling around. Some of the teams were already done, hanging around in the area they'd been sitting at earlier with their items ready to give back. Cassie couldn't see her Roxy there, though.

Cassie had cooled off a little bit by now, and was starting to wonder if she'd overreacted to some of Siobhan's weirdness. Maybe she just wasn't good with other people, maybe she hadn't realized being called ‘stupid’ and ‘a baby’ was insulting? Maybe she didn't know she was being mean? 

Well, Cassie was wondering if she'd overreacted to everything except being yanked around without a heads up. She still felt justified for being angry at that. She may as well have yanked me by my hair. 

She wanted to say something to Siobhan, something like "let's start over" or "I'm sorry for being a jerk. Are you?" But she couldn't figure out how to word these right. And before she could figure it out, she found the box beside a chair. It had "window" on it, just like Siobhan had said.

"Hey, Siobhan- I found it. Could you help me, please?" She turned to look at Cassie, who pointed down at the box.

Siobhan didn't say anything, just knelt down and grabbed it, passing it up to Cassie. Her lap was now pretty cramped with different objects, making it a bit harder to undo the box. Eventually she got it open, and saw a make-up compact inside. It just had kiddy make-up in it, but in such cute colors. Cassie stared at it in envy, and flipped it over. It read "Annette" on the back.

She threw the box back out of the way, and looked to Siobhan, expecting her to be standing up again. But she was struggling to get up- she was trying to push up with her left arm on the chair, but it was that kind of chair. The worst kind. The kind that wobbles. When it wobbled, it would act like it was going to tip, causing her to stop and try again. It seemed like she would continue in this loop, unless something changed. She could see Siobhan was getting upset at this, though there weren't any tears. Yet.

Cassie sighed, she didn't want to do this, but she couldn't just watch her struggle. She pulled closer to Siobhan, and put her brakes on. "Siobhan- stop, okay?" And she did stop trying to pull herself up, looking at Cassie. "Put your hand here instead, on the armrest. It shouldn't wobble and scare you." 

Siobhan just stared at her for a bit. Cassie was starting to regret offering to help her, when she swapped her left hand to Cassie's chair, and used her right hand to push on the wobbly chair. Using both arms, she was able to get her feet back under her, and stand up, grabbing her crutch that had leant against the chair.

There was an awkward silence for a bit, before Siobhan spoke up- "Thank you." 

Then more silence. Cassie thought she wasn't going to say anything else, so she spoke up. "Let's get these back to their owners." And spun around, before hearing plodding behind her.

She slammed on her brakes, and heard "Hey. wait." From Siobhan. She did, and didn't feel Siobhan pulling her backwards. Just silence. Weird… she turned around to look at her.

Siobhan was leaning against her crutch. She wasn't looking at Cassie. "I'm sorry. For calling you stupid. And a baby. I had a bad day. Shouldn't have made it yours."

"... I'm sorry for being mean too. I was really condescending earlier, and shouldn't have been."

There probably should've been more said. But Siobhan just nodded, and kept walking towards the sitting area. Cassie turned, and went as well. 

They weren't the first team done with the treasure hunt. Not by a long shot. But they also weren't the last- three more teams were still out there searching.

Annette, Lisa, and David were there with their teams, so they went and delivered the items back to them, before sitting there and waiting. 

Cassie couldn't leave until she had her Roxy plushie back. She wasn't sure what item Siobhan had. But it'd be weird to ask out of nowhere.

Soon, a team found their last item. It was Morgan and Stacey. It was obvious they had just finished up, because they cheered and gave each other a high five. Then made their way back to the seating area. Stacey had the Roxy plushie under her arm.

Cassie burst into a grin, and met Stacey halfway. "Thank you for finding her!"

Stacey handed over the plushie. "It's no problem. She looks really special- have you had her long?" Cassie nodded, and thanked her again, before heading back to where the finished teams were. She could see Morgan handing Siobhan a flat rectangle-looking object, but couldn't tell what it was- Siobhan pocketed it quickly, looking around as if embarrassed. 

Shortly after, the other teams finished up, and handed back their objects to their owners. Some people had multiple objects with them now, while some only had one.

"Well done everyone!" Frank had walked back up to the group at the end. "Does everyone have their very important objects back?" Everyone nodded. "Then we're done here for now- time for lunch, and then school, okay? Thank you all for participating!"

Cassie looked back at Siobhan before following Ash back to her room. She wasn't looking at her, and was instead following another worker out.

Oh well. Cassie was happy to start at school again- and maybe she'd find someone cool to talk to at lunch.

________

Everyone was going to the Salt Lake City Mega Pizzaplex today.

Everyone except Cassie.

I'm not bitter.

She understood why- she wasn't supposed to sit up for too long at once. And it could take 30 minutes just to get through the queue at any Pizzaplex. Let alone go on any of the attractions.

I'm not bitter.

Still. It felt like she'd failed. Failed to get better fast enough to do something that the other kids could do.  Even though she'd been really trying. She'd had about nine hours spent walking in the gait trainer. and that was just this week. She'd improved. But not enough. 

Even the increased dosage of her medication hadn’t helped her enough yet- she’d been able to get her new prescription dispensed two days ago, but it seemed to be taking its time to kick in.

She scratched the pencil over the page of a coloring book. 

I'm not bitter.

"Kiddo, I know you're determined. But determination doesn't help spinal fusion surgery heal any quicker."

And maybe Ash was right. But determination could've got her walking. It could have got her crutches like Annette. She had a spinal cord injury- just like Cassie. And she could walk. Not well, but well enough to go to the Pizzaplex today.

I'm not bitter I'm not bitter-

If she could even stand on her own without problems, she could've gone with everyone. Because that was the condition of wearing the TLSO that her doctor had told her- that she needs to not sit in it for more than half an hour at a time. But if she stands for a bit, then sits back down. That counts as changing positions, right? That helps keep enough pressure off her back.

But she couldn't do it by herself yet. Not standing safely, without support. Not in a crowded Pizzaplex, where toddlers could bump into her and knock her down and send her straight back to hospital for more x rays-

She was coloring the sky all wrong. She hadn't been paying attention, and now it was green like the ground. She grit her teeth, and tried to fix it with black pencil. Maybe I can just pretend this is the clouds before a tornado?

‘It's okay Cassie, I'll bring you back a prize, if you want?’

She'd had to fight to respond. ‘Thanks, but it's okay.’ Instead of snapping out ‘I don't need your pity!’ Because Annette was nice. She was a really nice girl, and she didn't deserve to be yelled at.

I'm not bitter.

Siobhan sat down in the empty seat next to her.

…okay, maybe she was a little bitter. 

"Your sky is wrong. Why is it green?" Asked Siobhan.

It took everything in Cassie's power not to snap at her. Because while she and Siobhan weren't friends, she did know a few things about her over the last few days.

Siobhan was in the same class as her. Doing the same schoolwork as her. Despite being two years older.

She still had difficulty doing the schoolwork and often needed an extra worker to help her. So Cassie had been right when she'd said that Siobhan couldn't do middle school math. She couldn't seem to do middle school anything.

(Not that Cassie could really throw stones in her glass house. She had some struggles in class too. Mainly because she had missed a bunch of school this year, but still.)

She and Siobhan had started here around the same time.

She seems rude but she often doesn't mea- wait. Siobhan was here. And not with the others?

"Why are you here?" Cassie asked.

Siobhan tilted her head, so it seemed they were both a little confused. "I asked first. Why is it green?" She pointed at Cassie's mistake in the sky.

… Yeah, just because Siobhan didn't mean to be rude, doesn't make it easier for her to not get on Cassies nerves.

"Well, it's supposed to be the sky before a tornado. The clouds go green and black." She flipped the coloring book shut. It had been boring anyway. "Why are you here? Everyone else is off having fun." Most of the kids were at the Pizzaplex and some had gone out with their family for the day.

The only people left in the rec room were Cassie, Siobhan, and a worker keeping an eye on them. At least in theory- in reality the worker was keeping an eye on the TV. The TV was on in the corner, playing some old movie in black and white, with low volume. 

Siobhan looked down at the table, pulling their crutch so it leant better against the table. "Can't go. You?"

… Well that was a non answer. "I can't go either. Can't stand up enough for a trip yet. Why can't you?" Cassie asked.

Siobhan looked away, towards the worker. Then back at Cassie. "My parents. There's not enough money."

"That's the only reason? That sucks."

She only nodded in response. And things fell back into an awkward silence. Cassie tried catching what was going on in the movie. But the volume was too low for her to hear it, and it looked boring anyway.

"How'd you end up here?" Asked Siobhan. She was twirling one of the pencils around between her fingers, not looking at Cassie.

"Me?" Siobhan nodded. "Well that's really personal. You sure you wanna know?" She nodded again. Cassie rolled her eyes. "The elevator I was in fell down. Nearly died, nothing major- just broke, like, everything. Now I'm here. What about you?"

It looked like Siobhan hadn't been expecting that question. You're the one who asked in the first place. What were you expecting? She looked away, and fiddled with the pencil more, thinking. Then she pushed back her fringe, showing off a… big mark on the left side of her forehead. It looked like a scar. Whatever had happened, it had healed enough to not look too wild.

Cassie didn't have enough context to really get what this was about. "Something… happened to your head?"

"Horse kicked me." She clarified. "Lights out. Woke up in the hospital later. Now I'm here."

Cassie drew away hearing that. She hadn't had… Well, anything to do with horses. But she figured they could pack a punch- if their legs were strong enough to pull carts in the past, then they were strong enough to kill people. "That, uh, that would've really hurt, huh?" Siobhan nodded. Cassie didn't as much change the subject, as much as ask more about it. "You worked with horses in the past? What was that like?"

Siobhan took a second to answer. "It was fun. I could ride well. Had horses on the farm. One was new and scared easily. Got him from a family friend. I wasn't careful enough."

"You lived on a farm?" Siobhan nodded again. But didn't expand further.

Things were silent again for a bit, until Siobhan asked a question- "I saw your prize. From the treasure hunt. It looked like Roxy. But she was dressed differently. Was it her?"

Cassie hadn't realized how tensed up her shoulders were, until she let them fall. "Yeah, that was Roxy. That was her, back when she first debuted- she didn't look like a glamrocker back then! But she still looked cool to me." 

That Roxy- from the first episodes she'd been in- had a lime-green cropped halter top, jean-skirt and a red sash around her waist, acting as a belt. She looked a little like a hippie, honestly. Which didn't really match the personality of a fast paced race car queen. But she did look cool, Cassie thought.

"Have you ever been to a Pizzaplex before?" She asked Siobhan. There were a few in major cities around the country, but if Siobhan lived at a farm… she may not have been close enough to go.

"Yeah. The one in Provo. It was fun. But I don't get to go much. It's really expensive." For once, Siobhan looked… sad? Her head was lowered, and she'd stopped fidgeting with the pencil. "I liked going Rabbit-teering when there."

Cassie had never heard of that attraction before. "What's Rabbit-teering?" She guessed it had something to do with Bonnie.

Siobhan didn't answer with words right away. Instead searching in her pants-pocket for something. She fished out and showed Cassie a pink-tinted clear rectangle. 

"It's finding rabbits and orienteering." Siobhan said. Somehow, despite stumbling over most words, she was able to say 'orienteering' clear as day.

Then she gave the rectangle to Cassie for a better look. It had a little compass on one end, and some straight lines and outlines of a pink rabbit on the other. Probably Bonnie? She tilted the rectangle around, and watched the compass needle keep changing to face north.

"This is pretty cool looking. How does it work?" Siobhan looked at her questioningly. "I mean the game- I know how a compass works." Cassie clarified, feeling put on the spot.

"Orienteering needs a map. We don't have one. Otherwise I could show you." Siobhan said, taking back her compass.

Cassie thought for a second, then made a suggestion. "They have maps in the foyer, for when guests come to visit. We can't go Rabbit-teering, but we could still have some fun. Want to give it a try with me?"

She nodded. So Cassie let the worker at the TV know where they were heading (they didn't even look up, just nodded.) And then she put the coloring book away and left with Siobhan.

________

"This is what you do." Siobhan started. Cassie hadn't realized how tense Siobhan had been, until she relaxed while holding the map. They were seated together in the foyer, Siobhan having pulled over a chair, and they were studying the map together. The compass was sitting on top, and Siobhan was fiddling with it. 

"First we need to point it where we want to go." Her words, often short and stumbled-over, were coming out a bit clearer. She looked at Cassie, instead of at the compass. "Where do we want to go?"

Cassie hummed and haad it over. She'd been on a short tour when she'd arrived- but clearly hadn't seen the whole place. There were spots on this map she'd never been before! 

"How about we go outside? Out the back?" Cassie pointed to a spot, out the very back of the yard, past the pool. "There's something out there, but I can't tell what."

Siobhan looked at it. "I'm not sure either. Let's check." She moved the compass over, towards that point. "Okay. We then find out where we are on the map… Normally you use triangulation" She struggled over that word. "But here we can use doors as landmarks. Then we put red in the shed…" She twisted around the circular part of her compass, so that the north-pointing arrow was in a little red box. "And then we go." 

She stood up and started walking quickly, holding the map and compass in one hand, with her crutch under the opposite shoulder. "Hey, wait for me!" Cassie cried out, as she took her brakes off and tried to catch up.

________

It had been super hard to keep up with Siobhan. It had been a long distance, from the lobby to all the way out the back. And Siobhan had walked surprisingly fast, for someone who usually plodded around. 

By the time they got past the pool, Cassie's arms and core were aching. She wasn't used to this yet. Her hands were killing her. I'm gonna have some new blisters from this. Maybe I should ask Mom to get me some gloves…

Luckily, she wouldn't have to follow Siobhan over the grass- there was a small, winding path over towards what looked like an old-timey gazebo. Which Siobhan was heading straight towards. Not even bothering to follow the path. Even if it meant she stumbled over the grass.

Wait… is that what was on the map? That's kinda lame.

Cassie sighed, and went to follow the path, following Siobhan.

Past the pool, the grounds were mostly empty. A big fence at the end, that she couldn't see over. The Gazebo was slightly raised, requiring climbing 3 steps to get inside. 

Luckily, Siobhan stopped just before the stairs. 

Siobhan studied her map intensely, before saying "We did it. That was orienteering. If it was Rabbit-teering, we would now feed a rabbit. Then we would find the other rabbits. Then we would win because I'm fast."

That was a bit for Cassie to take in. "Wait- did they have real rabbits there?"

"No. The rabbits are robots." Which made sense- most everything in the Pizzaplex’s are robots. Unless they're human.

So now, it was just a case of what do we do now? Because there was nothing much out here. There was a pool, sure, but it was against the rules to go in without an adult. And the fence around the yard was too tall to see over from where Cassie was.

Cassie was about to ask Siobhan if she wanted to head back in, when Siobhan went up the stairs into the Gazebo. She took a seat on one of the benches, and said. "It's a nice view. Did you know? You can see the whole of Salt Lake City from here?"

"No, because I can't get up there." Cassie replied.

Siobhan turned to her. "You can walk. I've seen you in the gait trainer."

And it took a lot of Cassie's willpower not to tell her off. Because Siobhan didn't mean it. 

I think. 

Still, it was hard to keep the frustration out of her voice. "I can walk in the gait trainer because it's helping me. It helps keep some of the weight off. I can't do it by myself yet! I'd just fall over."

Siobhan twisted up her mouth a bit, as she thought. "If I helped you up the stairs. Would you like that?"

Cassie just looked at her. She got what Siobhan was trying to ask. At least, she hoped she did. 

Because she would like to be up there. Just to say that she could. She didn't even really care about the view. 

She just wanted to prove that she wasn't some fragile, porcelain doll.

… And she had been able to take a few steps before, to follow Gregory. She fell over- because she didn't have support. Maybe with help, she could pull this off?

Siobhan had stood up, and walked down the stairs towards her. Leaving her crutch leaning against the seat. Leaning herself onto the railing on one side. She extended her hand for Cassie-

"You helped me up. I want to help you."

So Cassie made a decision. Probably a stupid decision. Definitely one that would make her Mom livid. She unbuckled her belt, pushed the foot pedals aside, and tried standing up. 

It took a bit, and it hurt. But she could stand up. She grabbed Siobhan's hand, and grabbed the stair rail with the other. Leaning most of her weight through her right leg. Her left leg still hurt when too much pressure ran through it. 

"I'm guessing you would like it." Siobhan said. Cassie nodded.

All she could do was put her arm around Siobhan's shoulder. Siobhan put her arm around Cassie's middle, in return. They were pressed close, and it felt a little weird to Cassie. She could feel butterflies in her stomach. Probably nerves, because this is a little dangerous.

She just needed her left leg to not be awful. "I might have to… grab one of my legs to take steps. That's not gonna throw you off?" She needed to ask, because Siobhan didn't have the best balance either. 

"Nah. I've got the handrail. Step with your good leg first. Then put weight down. And step with the bad leg."

Cassie couldn't help but take a deep breath, waiting to see if Siobhan would step first. She did- left leg first- and waited for Cassie to follow.

Leaning onto Siobhan, and the stair rail. (Mostly the stair rail), Cassie managed to get her good leg onto the first step. Now comes the dangerous bit. Lifting so that she's properly on that step- without losing balance, or catching her bad leg on the step.

Her breath catches as she brings up her left leg. Because she has to let go of the handrail to grab her moon boot and yank it up. She has to lean further on Siobhan to stay stable. If something went wrong, she'd fall backwards- taking Siobhan with her.

But her useless leg doesn't catch on anything. It doesn't spasm out when pressure is put on it. She lets out that breath.

The next step- the second step, goes the same as the first step. Right leg works well. Left leg doesn't fail. Cassie felt a surge of confidence- she was nearly there now!

The third step was going well too. She leant heavily on Siobhan- fatigue hitting her. But she pushed through it. Because that's what I do. She thought. Right leg went up without a hitch. Left leg-

Left leg buckled, wrecking her balance, and nearly pulling Siobhan down with her. Then her right leg slid down back to the second step. Cassie let go of Siobhan, and managed to catch herself before going down the stairs- slamming her right hand down onto the third step, wildly throwing her left hand to try and catch the stair rail. She missed, and felt her funny bone hit into the step instead. 

Tears welled in her shut eyes and she panted out some quick, scared breaths. That had happened really quickly, and startled her. Pain radiated up both arms, and there was a dull pain in the small of her back. She was sure her right leg would be screaming at her, if she could feel pain in it. Her heart beat fast against her brace. Oh God, I don't wanna be stuck in bed for a month again-

"Owww…" She heard Siobhan whine from somewhere nearby. 

Cassie's eyes shot open, and she spun her head around. She saw Siobhan, almost laying over the stairs. She'd completely lost her grip on the rail, and would've slid down to the ground on her belly, if she hadn't managed to grab the edge of the third step. Cassie couldn't see her eyes- her head was down, and her fringe had fallen over them. 

"Oh my gosh- are you okay?" Cassie turned so she was sitting instead of on her hands and knees, and tried scooting down to be closer to Siobhan. 

"Yeah. I'm fine." Siobhan groaned.  She picked her face up, and shook out her head. "Just. Ow. Are you okay?"

"Hopefully! Otherwise, Mom will skin me." Cassie laughed. It wasn't funny, but she needed to break the tension somehow. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

"God. I'm sorry." Siobhan said, pulling herself up and twisting around so she could sit beside Cassie on the second step. "You knew it was a bad idea. But I pushed you. Now we're hurt."

Cassie shook her head, and wiped out her eyes. "Don't be sorry! I wanted to be up there. Otherwise, I would've just turned around and went back inside. It was a good idea…" She trailed off, feeling the sense of disappointment and bitterness come back, full force. "... I guess I'm just not ready yet." She whispered. She curled up a bit, burying her face into her crossed arms. 

Next to her, she could hear Siobhan sniffle a little. Cassie tilted her head, so she could see Siobhan. It was the first time she'd ever seen Siobhan cry. 

She didn't want to see Siobhan cry.

"Hey, uh…" She started to ask. Siobhan wiped her eyes, and looked at Cassie. "What did it look like up there? You could see everything, right?"

"Yeah. It was great. I could see the temple. And the zoo. And the observatory. The Local Mega Pizzaplex. Even the Great Salt Lake. In the distance. I wish I could show you..."

Cassie picked up her head, and nodded. Then had an idea on how to salvage this Ill-fated trip. "Well, we may not be able to see over the fence- but the sky is beautiful today. Look at all those clouds!" Cassie pointed out one vaguely in the shape of a dog. "Do you see any cool ones?"

Siobhan joined her in looking up. The clouds were big, and fluffy. "Yeah. That one looks kinda like a rabbit.' She said, pointing to a different cloud. Cassie could kinda see it. 

For a while, they just looked up at the clouds, pointing out whenever one made a cool shape. The sunbeams falling through the sky looked incredible.

"One day. I'm going there again." Siobhan said. "To the Provo Pizzaplex. Maybe for my birthday…"

"I hope you have a lot of fun. You'd get to play that bunny-teering game." Cassie said. 

Siobhan turned to her with a funny look. "That's not its name. It's Rabbit-teering."

"Well yeah, but my name's better!"

For the first time, Cassie heard Siobhan laugh. She had a smile on her face- and not a mean, little snide one either. Just one that looked happy, if a little wonky. Her tears had faded away, over time. "Maybe. It would fit better with Bonnet."

"Bonnet… She's the one on your compass?" Siobhan nodded, and fished out her compass. Luckily, it hadn't broken when she fell. "Neat, I kinda thought it was Bonnie at first…"

"In what world is Bonnie pink?" This nearly sounded snarky, except for the little smile still on her face. 

"I don't know! It could've been a prize given to girls, while boys get the blue one?" Cassie laughed. 

The pain radiating up her arms had mostly gone away now. Cassie could tell she'd have a bruise on her right palm later, though. She clenched that hand shut, then let it open up again. Despite that… earlier setback, they were having a nice time. The earlier tension had mostly fallen away.

"Did you ever like ice skating?" Siobhan changed the subject. "Before you got hurt?"

"Yeah. I'm not very good at it though. I liked going ice skating when we moved near Hurricane. But we didn't get to go often." 

Mostly, it had just been a holiday thing. Something they'd do when they went up north. Andy had been good at it, and Mom had been good at it. But Cassie and Dad weren't good at skating- they would loop their arm around each other's waist, as they'd try a few laps. They'd almost certainly fall over, bringing the other down with them. Collapsing onto the ice with giggles and laughter, even if they felt a bit sore afterwards. 

Just like right now.

"If you ever get better, there's an ice rink at the Provo Pizzaplex. Roxy runs it. It's fun."

"I'll give it a try. One day." She hoped. She changed the subject. "How long are you here for? I've got two more weeks left."

Siobhan took a bit to answer. "I'm here for… three more weeks? I think..."

They chatted for a bit longer, as the cold fall breeze whirled through the air. Until they remembered they weren't supposed to be there. And would probably get in trouble if they were caught. Siobhan tucked her compass away, putting it into her pocket with the folded up map.

Siobhan had to climb up, so she could grab her crutch that was still leaning against the bench. Cassie could hear her grumbling from behind her. She shrunk into herself slightly. "Sorry Siobhan- I ruined your idea. And dragged you down with me."

Siobhan reappeared back with her crutch, going down the stairs. She looked at Cassie. "You said to me earlier. 'Don't be sorry.' So don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

Siobhan extended her hand again, to Cassie. This time, to help her get back into her chair. This could end badly. Again. Cassie shook away those thoughts from her head, and scooted down until she was on the first step. Then took Siobhan's hand.

She managed to get back into her chair, without any more tumbles. Then they got going, following the path back towards the main building. Siobhan walking ahead, and Cassie following behind. 

Cassie asked a question. "Do you think I could do it? Go on the next field trip?"

Siobhan shrugged, leaning on her crutch. "Maybe? Most trips wheelchair users can go on. I don't understand why you couldn't." 

That gave Cassie pause. I really didn't explain it well, earlier. So she clarified. "It's because of what they did to my spine. I had surgery on it, that's why I'm wearing this brace for… another month? I think? I'm not supposed to sit for too long, without either standing or laying down. Doctor said it compresses the spine? And… well. You saw what happens when I try to stand." Cassie admitted sheepishly.

"No I didn't." Cassie nearly bit back with you were right there!, until Siobhan clarified. " I saw what happens when you try to go up stairs. Not standing. You can stand. Not for long. But for a little."

That was probably intended to be hopeful. But It didn't read that way to Cassie. "... So I might never get to go on a trip with you guys…"

"I didn't say that! Practice standing. Then become good at it. Then maybe they would let you go."

Maybe.

Cassie planned on turning that into definitely. 

They resumed heading back along the winding path.

"Do you think I can go next time?" Siobhan asked. Cassie had to think about that.

"Next weekend's the bowling alley. It should be cheaper than the Pizzaplex… I think it's ten dollars per game? If you can't pay, I'd be happy to help." Cassie knew she had some savings. In part from the money Mom’s parents, and her Voinha and Grandpa, had sent her for her birthday. In part, from her pocket money she’d been saving prior to going to the Abandoned Pizzaplex. She'd been saving for a new bike… that's not happening anymore. 

Siobhan stopped and looked back at her. "Really?"

"Yeah. You tried to help me, so I want to help you."

Siobhan looked down at her shoes. Cassie wasn't sure if she was sad, embarrassed, or happy. All those emotions seemed to play on her face. "Thank you." Siobhan whispered. Then she continued walking.

"You're welcome." Cassie whispered back  before following. 

She wasn't sure how she felt about Siobhan. They weren't friends yet. But they weren't enemies, and could get along. She's just different, I guess. 

Cassie hoped they could become friends before she left. 

********

Authors note- did you know the lakes in Hurricane Valley (like Sand Hollow Reservoir and Quail Creek Reservoir) do not freeze during winter? At least, not enough for ice fishing. Or ice skating, by the sounds. They just don't get cold enough- but they get cold enough you can do polar plunges in them! 

That would’ve confused the hell out of Cassie when she first moved there- there's some snow, it's colder than she's ever been before- but there's no ice?? For skating?? ‘What the hell America this isn't like the movies at all!’

If you want to skate, you need to go further north where the lakes do freeze. Like Scofield Reservoir. Or Utah Lake.

At least, that's what I've heard. 

Also, the title is from C'mon, by Amy Shark.

[brownie-lattes]

a little update:

i believe it's needless to say that A LOT has changed since the last time i logged into this blog. if i appeared on your dashboard before posting this, you probably know that i was studying engineering. yes, was, being the keyword here.

first things first, i did not enjoy studying engineering, as much as i thought i would. therefore, i had been wanting to change my major and possibly my university for a long time. i'm so happy to say that i could finally do it, and all of this happened very unexpectedly. right now, i'm in a different university, in a different city, with a different major. i'm doing my bachelors in microbiology now and so far, i've been absolutely loving it.

secondly, i did start learning korean around the time when i started this studyblr. i couldn't update much, because i was not very regular with it. also, i was trying out a bunch of new different things at the time, so often i would forget to make a post. after i accepted my seat at the new university, i suddenly had a lot to do, including moving out and moving it, adjusting to the new schedule and submitting all of my assignments and practical files on time. what i'm basically trying to say by this is, i couldn't make time to revise my korean even a bit, so i've forgotten almost everything i learnt (cries). i'll be relearning whatever i learnt before and continue learning from there.

i also have two books with me at the moment, i've been wanting to read them for years now. i'll be updating here when i start reading them. i'll also make time to watch shows and movies that i've been meaning to watch for a long time now. so, wait for those posts to see which books, shows and films i'm talking about.

[blueringbeetle]

Loving comes easily to me and I’m honestly seething with rage that it is a piece of me that was almost completely killed. I know I would’ve gone with it.

I love picking flowers and taping them into my sketchbook, I love drawing things I’ll never think about again purely because I love the act of drawing, I love creating things that become massive projects and things that never pass the stage of notes in the borders, I love my dogs, I love it when they annoy the shit out of me because it means they’re here. I love clear skies and rainy ones. I love watching movies. I love going swimming. I love doing a good job and doing a bad job. I love doing a middle-of-the-road job. I love starting, I love ending. I love day dreaming. I love music. I love eating from the pan before the meal is even finished because I love what I’m cooking so much, it all ends up in the same place anyway. I love failing. Miserably, even. So horribly it feels like I’ll never recover but I always do. I let myself feel that feeling till it passes because all things do pass eventually. I love how I feel grief and I love how I feel hope.

My spark, the thing that keeps you warm when nothing else does, it was dead for I don’t know how long and now that I’m gently bringing it back to life I am genuinely awestruck that I survived how long I did completely without it. The inertia and muscle memory could only take me so far and I’m glad I collapsed into a heap when I did.

I think the scariest part was that it came so slowly and carefully that by the time I realised where I was, it felt so close to the end I didn’t know what to do. I think smothered is close to the right word, like my innate brightness could only be met with ‘why are you doing that? You shouldn’t do that?’ I’m only sort of beginning to understand what happened, it was slow, nit picky, and near disgust. A quiet ‘oh’ and then I made myself smaller. It was a cutting and minimising act pretending to be refinement and discernment.

I seethe. And I seethe and I seethe and I seethe. It’s a kind of seething that builds and erupts into laughter because I can’t believe how stupid it all is at the end of the day. I’m allowed to play my favourite songs and dance in the kitchen, more than that, I should play my favourite songs and dance in the kitchen. Each time I scrape together the energy to do something purely for fun I am rewarded tenfold with the energy to do it again and something else too.

If someone sees me dancing or laughing, or picking flowers, or being joyful, digging out happiness from between the cracks in the pavement and enjoying my limited time here, and their first act is to point, scoff, sneer, and say ‘wrong.’ I will burn them to the ground with how much I love being myself. I don’t want people who enjoy picking at the happiness of others like a scab to find me easy to be around.

It’s not been easy to recover. It hurts to pick myself up when I am an engine with no fuel but I’m lucky and have people around me who know how to fan my flames. That’s what makes it so easy, even when it’s not easy, is if you have people who know how help works for you. Luck is part of it too, a good breeze can carry you far, and I’ve learnt that to get a good breeze you need to be in places where there is wind. So I dragged myself, at times kicking and screaming, into the tree tops and valleys and I let preparation meet opportunity.

I’m relearning to trust myself. Not in a blind way, importantly. In the way that when I feel internal resistance and terror I’m able to hold myself and move in the direction that I know in my heart and mind is the right direction. Failure and success are both big changes and I need about the same level of self care to deal with either.

I am a warm person because I seek joy like I’m starving and now I find it everywhere. I am hard to kill because all things give me life. I will never let someone leer down at me and my uncomplicated contentment and scoff at me for it. Never again. My sketchbook is full of flowers, my belly is full of food, my heart is full of love and anger and grief. I am alive and learning how to be. All I am is a human, and my god, what a thing that is to be.

[shoecrabs]

HoO things I have headcanoned/au'ed for my canon divergent version of the story (most take Percy and Annabeth out of the story lol):

Leo and Piper meeting before the Wilderness School. They became begrudging allies to friends while hanging out in the streets, causing mild vandalism, and shoplifting chocolate. turns out a born-to-be-public speaker with a healthy hatred for authority and a hyperactive homeless kid with an arsenal of scrap metal make an incredible duo against police

They were both worried about going M.I.A since they had no proper way to call eachother before being spontaneously thrown into the Wilderness School. then they got excited that they ended up together! Man, what luck is that :D (it was Hera lmao)

Piper met Aphrodite on Cyprus and finally had a chat one-to-one about everything and her place amongst the team

although Lupa raised Jason like a pup, she wouldn't let him forget just how human he still was. She'd always tell him to straighten up, or to use his hands rather than just teeth. She'd teach him to skin animals by himself with sharp stones. Still, she warned him not to be too human, too mortal. "human weaknesses" such as crying would not be tolerated.

Jason then had to relearn how to be human by trying to copy the members of Camp and interpreted them how Lupa taught him. The demigods didn't help him as much as they would've due to his parentage, so he was always awkwardly trying to fit in and adapt. He spent ages trying to associate names to facial expressions and it made him upset realising he didn't recognise that many anymore

Hazel and Gaia almost always fought for control over the earth. Hazel eventually pried the land out of Gaia's control just long enough for the others to escape a collapsing cavern & teams up with Piper's charmspeak with her power over the Mist

HAZEL CONTROLS OPALISED FOSSILS. I think she should have gotten the chance to summon opalised skeletons, especially since they were by the sea a lot of the time

Frank was always clumsy because his body was always twitching to shapeshift. Once he unlocked his shapeshifting, he'd instinctively transform to continue his stride. when not paying attention or too tired, he'd still stumble and trip

Frank and Hazel took over when Percy and Annabeth (without them it'd probably be Leo) fell into Tartarus. Jason advised them, but was glad at not needing to lead

All of them (again, without percabeth) learnt at least one way of supporting the ship when Leo wasn't available or too exhausted! Jason would send winds into the sails and navigate at air, Piper learnt a few of the controls and which ones opened up to secret storage and etc, Hazel was in charge of retrieving metal and noticing damages to the structure of machines, and Frank was the main strategist that ended up being really good with the ballistae. They still couldn't match up to Leo, but they managed to get the ship stumbling to its destination

Jason doesn't give Frank Praetorship until the final fight against Gaia, where the Romans have a chance to agree or disagree and all that, but he takes the position of team leader after Jason steps down (Hazel is his second in command + co-leader)

more time between books, arching within 2 years at least

also a possibly hot take: the sacrifices should've been Jason and either Piper or Hazel cause they have more thematic weight to them other than "they're the oldest and most annoying" or whatever the original reason was

[hypnolurker]

Nefarious Narration

Joan woke up with a dull headache. It was peculiar to her, she had not been out drinking last night. In fact she rarely did drink, she was a well respected lawyer and it would not do to be seen in public acting like a drunken idiot.

"Ugh, what's with this headache?" She asked herself as she dragged herself out of bed.

Joan glanced at her clock and saw that it was already 8:45 am. She was meant to arrive at the law firm by 9. With sudden urgency she began to rummage through her drawers for clothing. In the midst of pulling a pair of clean socks over her feet, she paused as a terrible realization struck her.

"What's that voice in my head?" She asked aloud.

It was no normal headache. Poor Joan had started hearing a voice in her head now. Was she going crazy? Or was something or someone behind it?

"I think I am going crazy!" She told herself, fear of being late to work supplanted by a new fear of her own insanity.

"Just stop talking already!" She shouted frantically, covering her ears. Yet it did nothing to stop the voice.

"Get out of my head! Get out of my head!" She chanted. But the voice was not just in her head. The voice was everywhere all at once. Its words swirled in the air around her and vibrated upon her skin until she shivered.

"What the hell are you?" She asked, shaking.

The voice did not answer, it simply continued speaking as it had done.

"The voice should stop speaking then." Joan ordered defiantly.

Silly Joan. She has no power. Joan's eyes widened and her jaw hung open as the voice dismissed her so simply.

"Don't call me silly you patronizing fuck! I have a law degree, you're just some...some creepy voice that sneaks into women's rooms when they're getting dressed!" She snapped back viciously.

It may seem below the voice to respond to such taunts...but then again Joan's prideful tone was somewhat irritating. She did not even begin to understand her place. Nor the voice's power. But she will.

Joan opened her mouth to speak, but the words died in her throat. The voice was still speaking. Joan felt her headache worsen, then it began to feel strange. The full ache shifted to an odd pleasure as she felt dizzy and hazy as if in a dream. Slowly, her knowledge of law began to drain out of her head. One by one, facts and cases and memories of trials slipped from her head. Yet, it wasn't painful like something being removed, it was actually incredibly enjoyable. Every thought that floated out of her head was an orgasm, a mind altering orgasm that trumped any physical pleasure she had felt previously. Joan began rubbing her little pussy and humping mindlessly as her sloppy mess of a brain blew its load and ejaculated all of her years of expertise away into the ether. She didn't scream or cry or beg for it to stop, no...it happened with her fingers in her cunt and a wide, dopey grin plastered across her face.

When it was finally over, Joan felt lightheaded and still undeniably aroused as she regained some control of herself and began to comprehend what had just happened.

"What the fuck!? What was that? Its a joke right? I...I...don't remember...I don't remember anything! I'm a lawyer but...when I try to remember it's just...blank. It's really gone! How can you do this to me! Give it back! Undo it!" Joan pleaded grumpily.

It seemed that despite losing any competency in her profession and witnessing the power the voice held, Joan still had not learnt her lesson.

"Wait what are you gonna-" Joan began but her own voice was suddenly silenced as the great and booming voice took over yet again.

Having lost her legal knowledge, Joan still felt that she could gain it back. If not by undoing whatever mean spell had been cast on her then she would simply have to relearn it. But poor Joan would not be so lucky. No, Joan would be much too stupid to learn anything when the voice was done with her. The voice could make her rub her thoughts away like before, but it had another idea.

"I can speak again. What the hell?" As the words left her lips, Joan felt a surge of bliss in her brain as the familiar sensation of knowledge departing hit her.

"Why did that just-" just as the previous sensation had finished and she began speaking, another bolt of delicious stupidity struck her brain.

"Like, what's going on?" Another surge of brain melting pleasure washed through her as more brain cells ceased functioning.

Joan was already quite dimwitted. Perhaps she would never realise that each time she spoke, her IQ would lower a little more.

"OMG! You're making me get dumber when I say things!" She blurted out, surprised when her mind shuddered again as her intellect dropped further.

At this point Joan would probably just keep talking her brain into mush as she was already so dumb that she would forget the game being played with her after a few moments. Like a confused goldfish. The voice had enough fun for now, so it let her speak freely again.

"You mean it? I can say stuff and not go, like, super dizzy and weird?" Joan asked hopefully.

The voice was now confident that Joan had been taken down a peg. Surely she would show some respect now.

"Nuh-uh! I don't like you! You're mean! You made me feel all dumb and weak and...uh... dumb! I'm s'posta be like, a law-ya or whatever. I wear suits and...do law stuff!" The ditz Joan complained.

Stupid, pathetic, worthless Joan. It seems that no matter what the voice does, she will always cling to her old life. There was only one way to teach this naughty cunt any manners. The voice would have to start over. Joan looked confused as she struggled to understand what the voice meant, but soon Joan would be totally changed.

Joan woke up with a strange headache. Actually, it wasn't exactly strange for Joan to have a headache. She was a well known party girl and often came home drunk, sometimes to a stranger's house. Honestly, the fact that she awoke in her own bed was probably the strangest part. Joan was a well known prostitute, though she tended to fuck men for free quite often. Mostly she just loved cocks. Feeling them stroke the back of her throat, feeling them pulsate inside her sloppy pussy, feeling them stretch her tight asshole...that was her favorite thing.

As Joan lazily crawled out of bed, somewhat surprised (and a bit saddened) to see her underwear weren't stained with some man's cum. Finally, the still sleepy Joan noticed the voice which had been talking inside her head.

"Like, there's a voice in my head! And it can read my mind!" She gasped in surprise. "Actually, it's kind of sexy. I like it when guys whisper in my ear and this voice is making me feel all dreamy."

Finally Joan was behaving like a good girl and respecting the voice. Her strange headache faded away as she accepted the voice in her mind. She would listen to the voice. It would tell her what to do. She didn't need to think for herself anymore now that she had the voice.

Joan's story was just beginning.

[fortressofserenity]

Tread carefully

When it comes to the way Cass Cain got portrayed in the earlier stories, somebody else pointed out that the way she’s depicted and written often risked getting into uncomfortable territory. Especially with regards to racist stereotyping if writers aren’t careful, they pointed out how two facets of her depiction conflict each other where the one thing that enables people to interpret her as disabled also risk being the same thing that makes her a racist stereotype. Not to mention they pointed out that her original creators don’t share her ethnic background, which makes it that easy to veer into racist stereotyping.

This is the character that got me into coming up with Akosamesew Kanewopasikot, but the biggest real difference is that he was brainwashed into not speaking his mother tongue (which is Cree) when he got brainwashed and trained into doing many of the same things she did. People who speak a minority language often risk being marginalised and ostracised for speaking in a certain way that they risk getting punished for it if they did, such is the fate of languages like Irish, Scottish Gaelic and possibly many more. Him being brainwashed into not speaking it throughout the rest of his life would have him internalising this, by now he’s trying real hard to undo it.

But that’s the limits of me creating this character since whatever adventure or story he appears in should have been given to an indigenous writer, somebody like Jay Odjick for instance since I don’t share his cultural background. While I personally know and follow some NDN people online, I was never brought up in the same background as they do. Not to mention I’ve started learning Cree, admittedly it’s different from the ones I’ve learnt. Any new language is going to be tricky from the start, so it’s going to take some time getting used to it in some way.

Akosamesew knew some Cree before but that fell into disuse the more he spoke English when he got brainwashed, so it’s only now in his late twenties that he’s relearning this language. I feel when it comes to the way Cass Cain got written over the years, it would be a missed opportunity to have Cass relearn a nonwestern language like say Cantonese due to being forced to only speak in English by her father. But that would involve having her actively engage with her Chinese heritage in a way that’s barely ever done in the stories she appears in, which again points out to her being written by non-Asians for a long time as well as not being written by somebody who strives to speak their heritage language.

Also she’s hardly ever written by somebody who’s actively learning another language, so this explains the way she’s written and why she turned out the way she ended up as. So with Akosamesew he has to be more carefully considered and portrayed, as to avoid the pitfalls that befell Cassandra Cain before. He also can’t be the only NDN person onboard so we have a few other indigenous people in the police department, such as Nootaikok and Erin. He tends to be a little firm but understanding to Nootaikok due to their shared experiences of being indigenous but also has to find ways of calming him down, especially whenever Jemima Szary mispronounces something in Inukitikut.

(Nootaikok is based on Jojo’s Ghiaccio and both have the same personality and powers.)

It wouldn’t be easy learning Cree at first but on the other hand, this gives an idea of what it’s like to struggle with learning it since it’s something Akosamesew also goes through. I feel with the way Cassandra Cain’s written, it’s harder to think of her as an actual Asian given most of the time she’s detached from any East Asian culture until recently. So detached that if you were to make her white, blond-haired and blue-eyed it wouldn’t change her that much, perhaps other than the way she’s perceived and even then it shows you how little her culture factors into the person she is. Pardon if it sounds like I’m bragging here but I’ve been learning Asian languages for some time now, have been to websites that are in Chinese, Vietnamese, Indonesian and Tagalog, have eaten Vietnamese, Chinese and Philippine foods and listen to a good amount of Asian music these days.

Somebody like Akosamesew would be trickier for me to pull off because despite recently learning Cree and knowing a Cree person online, I didn’t grow up in a Cree or any First Nations locale, never personally experienced any First Nations culture firsthand and I don’t listen to much First Nations music either. I suppose only a First Nations writer would really do Akosamesew well, if because they’ve experienced some of the same things he’d go through. Jay Odjick might not be Cree himself but even then it’s still fairer to have him cowrite whatever story he appears in, otherwise he’d fall into the same problems that plague Cassandra Cain, whom he’s based on.

[chelseaawmusic]

Probation student

I had a special request as an instructor to teach a probation student 1 on 1 classes for 3 months. After which, she would have an assessment to determine if she gets to be in MV or not. Her name was Jilline and she only started learning drums 1 month prior to auditioning for MV. She worked part-time just to earn some money to book studios outside to learn drums on her own. This was a rough plan for her lessons:

I admired her for her determination to learn drums. MV has also never had a probation student before so when I was tasked to train her I was set on making sure she could get in. When I had my first lesson with her she was eager to learn, albeit shy. My impression of her was that she was hard working and down-to-earth. We had 1hr classes each week and after class she would continue to stay back and practice. What a hardworking student!

What I gained from teaching her was relearning my basics as well. As I never had anyone teach me the basics, I learnt through watching youtube videos many years ago. Having to teach someone from ground up made me rewatch those videos, which reminded me of the fundamentals of drumming. As someone who gets caught up with wanting to learn "cool" and new stuff, it was nice to go back to the basics and remember the importance of it. I also learnt to adapt and find different ways of explaining technical terms. As Jilline had no idea what was quarter, eighth, triplets and sixteenth notes, I had to find ways like saying pear, apple, banana and watermelon (based on syllables) for her to understand how the rhythm falls on a grid. We definitely had a lot of fun learning together.

When it was time for her assessment, I was sad I could not be there but the other judges recorded a video. Here is Jilline performing "Yellow" by Coldplay:

I was so proud of her! She was able to play through the entire song with minimal stumbles and could control her hi-hat way better than when I first started teaching her. Definitely an achievement for both of us. She even gave me a gift to thank me for teaching her the past few months. As an educator, nothing beats seeing the growth in your students. Thank you Jilline for being such a great student to work with!

[thameena-mga2023no3439]

Week 1 :Semiotics and introduction

Before I get on to what was discussed today, I just want to squeeze in some details I missed updating from 18th and 19th September 2023.

18th : Was my first day at AOD. I was excited but nervous at the same time. We all got a quick introduction and did some ice breakers. We worked in groups which was good. I’d rather work in groups than alone and I believe everyone thought the same thing 😆 19th : Explored about ourselves through some activities. I had to think about stuff about myself that I have not thought of before. The unlearning and relearning session has changed my way of thinking about things, away from generic thoughts. Story writing was the hardest for me. The auditory and character designing part was more easier.

Today : We learnt what semiotics are. I kept mixing up signifiers and signified at first but after a few exercises I got the hang of it. Index is also still a bit confusing. I stuck to simple examples so I don’t muddle it up. The rest of the session, especially describing words through circles and squares definitely got my brain to think from new perspectives. We were told to design a juice box and then make a real. This is what I’ve got so far:

Completed juice box and sketch! I chose to go with a simple shape, a bit smaller than a Milo box. I added the porthole so that kids would be immediately attracted to it. Not only kids but it’s convenient for the parents too. They can check what they’re buying for their kids. For the content it will be blueberry and mint flavor with edible glitter so that it catches the eye from the see through hole. The hole for the straw will be just enough for the straw to come through. The straw will come separately (like Milo cartons) and as for the opening, you can pull a string to open up the protective covering (like how you open a cheese wedge from Happy Cow cheese). This will prevent accidental spillage. For the back design I was thinking of maybe adding something interactive (like a puzzle you see on the back of cereal boxes). My classmates and Dinendri gave me a lot more suggestions like including an educational fact like “Did you know?” or even something promotional like coupons or return the carton to earn points. I loved all of those suggestions and I will incorporate them in my future projects.

As shown in the photos I’ve learnt how to sketch about and plan my designs. I also got to try out brainstorming and sketching out different ideas for my designs.

We did a little drawing exercise to help boost our self esteem. It helped me a lot.