#reflections; musings

[chipper-smol]

vibes for tonight 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

[nothatsmi]

On my computer I titled this Neil's sanity.

Don't you hate it when your reflection tries to murder you.

Anyway here's an animation I spent the day doing, it's Millport Neil and his Guilt :)

Also thank you so much for all the replies for the animatic! It means so much!! Tbh I would draw and animate more but each time I do so I gotta catch on the school work and I'm getting behind already.. But yeah today I was like meh what's work anyway.

[timethehobo]

When you look after the dead, the dead will look after you.

[metamorphesque]

I loathe feeling so terribly conflicted — this push and pull between loving something so much that I want the whole world to know about it and give it the adoration it deserves, and the pang of jealousy that arises when others express their affection for it. This oscillation between these two conflicting states, this tug-of-war throws my heart out of sync, and the effect is deeply unsettling.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

kinda happy that i'm not as chronically online as i used to be. i've been focusing on my studies, hobbies, etc and it makes me feel so much better. ofc i still have a long way to go but a phrase that is constantly running in my mind is one day or day one... like if i wanna be a certain kind of person and become better i should actually DO stuff that makes me better instead of thinking about that one day where i will magically get everything i want. that doesn't happen, i have to work for it. believing in myself is the first half which i have accomplished, the other half is working hard (with balance ofc). i doomscroll much less, and if i do i gain awareness of it very quickly and it doesn't surpass an hour. i don't turn on my laptop first thing after waking, i only turn it on when i i actually have some work or i want to listen to music. sometimes i relapse. but the point is that i've never tried more harder than i am rn and i am proud of myself for it. i am feeling seeing my progress. i intend to constantly heal and succeed and make mistakes and learn from them and never ever stop trying.

if i can do it you can too <3

[vindicated-truth]

As someone who loves both characters individually and together, I keep wondering if Dongsik's and Joowon's relationship is healthy.

(Please feel free to chime in with your own views, let's figure this out together lol)

Are they enablers of each other?

Yes, in a way, especially when they had no choice to, if they want to solve the cases they're working on together. They did it, however, with the promise / threat that they will each be punished for their own wrongdoing in the end.

Do they owe each other anything?

Yes, but at the same time they kind of neutralize each other in the end. Dongsik owes Joowon for catching Han Kihwan, but at the same time Joowon is also the one who arrests him. At the same time, Joowon owes Dongsik for having his own father be the murderer of Dongsik's sister, yet he brought justice to Dongsik in the end, and even followed through with Dongsik making him vow to live the rest of his life as a cop.

(To be honest, I don't think you can give a worse punishment to someone with a very rigid and absolute moral compass than to not get out of a very corrupt and broken system.)

Do they have an equal footing with each other in their hierarchical society?

Not at the beginning, but they do in the end.

Do they have a rose-colored glasses view of each other?

This is debatable, when from the very beginning they've already seen the absolute worst of each other. They can only go up from there, so to speak, since they've never really forgotten each of the other's flaws even as their relationship progressed into something less combative and more of grudging awe.

They do have a somewhat idealized view of each other in the end, but that's mostly because of experience, what they went through together: they know exactly what the other did for them, and can't help but feel grateful for it.

Do they complement each other?

I've written multiple posts about it lol, so it goes without saying that in many, many ways, their weaknesses are complemented extremely well by the other's strengths.

Do they ruin each other?

See, this is the thing: I think they've ruined each other for other people.

Their relationship evolved from a unique mix of their own complementary traits and their special circumstances, neither of which I believe can be replicated by and with anyone else.

No one else would have a deeper understanding of Dongsik's lunacy than Joowon, who witnessed first hand what drove him to it—and by whom.

No one else would have a deeper understanding of Joowon's stubbornness than Dongsik, who witnessed first hand the lengths Joowon would go to complete his goals—and why.

It's a very unique circumstance that only the two of them will share and intimately know about each other, for better or for worse, by virtue of the fact that they are each driven to be who they are now, ironically, by Han Kihwan.

By virtue of being Lee Yuyeon's murderer, and by virtue of being Han Joowon's father.

That's the power Han Kihwan had and will always have over them. They are who they are in part because of what he did to them, separately and together.

That's what makes him the true monster of the story, the "final boss" of the series of monsters that both Dongsik and Joowon had to deal with, not because he was the "best" or "most powerful" of the villains—he was actually the weakest, stupidest, and most cowardly of them all—but he had the most impact to each of their lives, in the absolute worst way.

And isn't that the true evil? What is truly angering of all? That the least of them all had the most damage done to the best of people.

Would it be healthier for them to end up with other people, someone new and different?

Objectively—yes.

My worry for Joowon is that he might always feel like he owes Dongsik, just because he intimately knows what his own family did to Dongsik's family.

And my worry for Dongsik is that he might always feel like he owes Joowon too, precisely because he intimately knows everything Joowon had to give up in order to bring justice to him.

There's a chance that their relationship might evolve the same way as, for example, Nam Sangbae's relationship with Dongsik, who had stuck with him with some misplaced sense of responsibility—even as his love and care for Dongsik had been sincere—because it was colored by guilt.

For Joowon's and Dongsik's relationship in particular, it wouldn't necessarily be out of guilt—they've already punished each other, so to speak, in ways they deem fitting—but out of gratitude.

I can't be sure if that's a healthy foundation of a relationship, to be with each other because you're grateful to them. Perhaps that's also why I find it more believable to accept the actual ending of the story as the right one, if only because they need that time apart to re-discover who they are without the shadow of Han Kihwan looming over them—in different ways—so that if and when they choose to come back to each other, it'll be after a re-affirmation of their own sense of selves, this time free from everything that had previously shackled them.

Is it better for other people to be with them?

This is just the reverse of the question above, and honestly? My objective answer is no.

It is with complete and utter love for the both of them that I say they may have ruined each other for other people.

For Joowon in particular, his new theoretical significant other might want and need a partner who would have more attention and time for them as a family, instead of one who is completely and utterly devoted to his duty as a cop.

For Dongsik in particular, his new theoretical significant other might want and need a partner who has more concrete goals and ambitions in life, and not someone who is just starting to figure out his own identity and his life after finally being free from all the shadows that dogged his steps for decades.

Because the thing is, I'm not entirely sure that their new significant others would deserve them, just because I'm also not entirely sure neither Dongsik nor Joowon would be completely happy—even as they might have sincerely loved their new theoretical partners in return—with someone who wouldn't have completely understood who they are and what they've gone through, and what they're still going through.

For better or for worse, I don't think there's anyone else who can completely understand and accept them, the best and the worst of who they are—other than each other.

In conclusion: Is it healthy?

In time, it can be. Let them come back to each other at their own pace, in their own time.

I think they do know, deep in their hearts, that—for better or for worse—there will be no other.

And I think that can also be their motivation too, to do their best to make up for their mistakes, to live their best life and be the best of who they can be, and find their own ways to heal and move forward, because they have someone waiting for them.

Someone to come home to.

[whitherwanderer]

Galena, a Rusty Reforger & Pyrite, a Deliberate Deadeye feat. @shroudandsands

In one of worlds fourteenfold, a hyune reforger scales the crags of Alexandria's cliffs and ruins in search of precious electrope, artifacts, and other reusable materials. A scope is trained on him, a voice in his ear, coolly reminding him to watch his footing (as if it needed to be said).

The spotter is an ex-hunter who keeps the levin-cursed monsters and defective sentries off his back with a careful eye and a dead aim. She's also his wife, which makes it that much harder for her to watch him test his scavenging prowess over the deep canyons and crumbling spires that scar the land. Trust him as she does, she has her reasons to be wary.

Galena's methods are unusual. Instead of combing the ground, he climbs. The old kingdom's ruins hide valuable artifacts and electrope caches that would be out of reach for most, but more worrying is his choice not to wear a regulator despite the many obvious dangers. Among the reforgers, it's not wholly unusual for someone to refuse a regulator, but those who know the two hyune know well: it's not a choice made lightly.

———

Deep in the heart of Everkeep, Pyrite stalks the alleys of Solution Nine with a portion of the materials her husband gleaned from the old kingdom. It's how he can offer his support for the organization Pyrite now dedicates her time and talents to.

And an ex-hunter always finds ways to keep herself sharp; sentries vanish, dismantled and sold for parts in True Vue's less reputable markets. Weapons from the manufactories on the lower floors go missing and wind up in rebel hands. Credits grease the palms of the right people for the right intelligence and the doors of high clearance warehouses are left unlocked—by accident, of course.

As an agent for the rebel group Oblivion, the regulator Pyrite wears is a compromise allowing her to take advantage of Everkeep's systems while avoiding suspicion. But for all its conveniences, the regulator is also a grave reminder. Should Galena's hands ever slip, all she'll have of him is the recordings and images hidden away on encrypted data shards—assurance that they'd keep their promise never to forget again*.

———

No mourning, and yet no relief from the aching holes in their memories. All they have is the hints of a loss whose shape they can identify by feeling around its dark edges: an empty room, a closet full of clothes too small for either of them. A name that Pyrite herself chose, always lingering in the back of her mind but slipping through it like a sieve. An image of shade—a face that Galena chases through dreams and wakes up with no recollection of.

Loss enough to take immortality and toss it into a canyon. Pain enough to use that immortality as a weapon against the system that stole from them something so precious it becomes their reason and their resolve. Something that would be worth dismantling a miracle. *OOC Note: This was drafted before the Arcadion raids came out, which answers a critical question I had about the regulator mechanics. A person wearing a regulator will, in fact, remember someone who does not wear one after their death. So that final bit in Pyrite's section is wrong! Oh well.

[johannestevans]

gonna have to update my will soon and i am absolutely gonna make everyone else do their first wills at the same time i update mine and it's so funny how everyone is just like "ugh but it's so much effoooooort" and it's like. yeah but it's Important and you'll prefer it Done rather than Not Done if worst comes to worst

if you're estranged from your family of origin like?? u don't want them having custody of your remains and misgendering you in your obituaries or whatever, or putting you through religious ceremonies that you reject

you don't want them keeping your death secret or shutting out your actual family and loved ones from your death and the grieving process just bc you didn't write up a piece of paper

and that's not even thinking about the division of your assets? stuff like savings or bonds etc if you have them, other assets if you have them - your home if you own it, your car or bike, your big pieces of tech, your collections

if you're an artist or another independent creator, who gets to receive the profits in your death, who gets to control your body of work, who inherits creative control of your work or your name? do you want your unpublished work to be finished by someone else and put out there?

and that's not even considering like. an advance directive / living will, which for many of us with chronic illnesses (esp considering long covid) are important to keep in mind, to make sure you're given appropriate care if you are rendered unable to control your own circumstances, or if you don't want to be kept on certain forms of life support, or if your family follow a religious doctrine you don't that would lead to you being denied certain medical care, etc

like i know it's easy to sort of go all-edge and be like, oh well, i don't care what happens when i die, i'm cool, etc, but like. if you have people you love and care about? if they depend on you?

and even if it's like "Oh, fuck the state, it's terrible, i shouldn't have to play by their rules" ok well if you don't have living relatives and you don't make a will then the state gets control of your assets, and wouldn't you prefer to give it to a charity or an organisation you love and trust?

like if you die in the UK and your assets can't go anywhere they go to the fucking Crown. would you rather king jackass and his line of inbred imperialists get your assets, or a trans charity? exactly.

[neverbesokind]

Oh my god it's The Alchemy day I have SO many thoughts about this song so I'm gonna try and condense them.

First of all, the song starts and ends with "This happens once every few lifetimes," which is a statement filled to the BRIM with irony, in my view. The entire album up to this point has been concerned with two romances, both of which Taylor states she felt were destined and fated and "storybook" in their own ways. The entirety of TTPD is exploring how these fated, destined, storybook romances could actually crumble, and with it, her faith and belief in the existence of fate and destiny and storybook love.

But THEN... almost at the end of the standard run of the album, Taylor states that she's getting back from recovering from this tragedy - "I'm back / The hospital was a drag / Worst sleep that I ever had". She gets back from the messy process of healing from the events described on the album, and despite everything finds herself falling in love again.

This is why the title is significant, too. Alchemy is the pseudoscience of making a material into something more valuable. And this reflects the emotional process of Taylor falling in love again - she felt like the past two tragedies took the shine off of everything, killed her belief that love could ever work. But then, despite everything, she falls in love again and the normal, even tragic world she lived in before is transformed into something golden.

And then the first line repeats again, to reflect the cyclical nature of what she has experienced. Obviously, "this" doesn't happen once every few lifetimes, it's happened twice before on the album and is happening again in this song. She's falling in love, she's finding something beautiful and fated, and she can't help but find it gorgeous and meaningful, even if she's been shown again and again that she might be proven wrong in the end. And it feels so special that even if it's obvious that it isn't a once-in-a-lifetime experience, it feels that rare and that precious.

In this song, love is the alchemy, the process of turning normalcy into meaning and beauty, and she can't help it.

[employee052]

sorry for the lack of activity today! me and @mrthenarrator went to our first ever convention!!!!

i got a hat, some keychains and some stickers. while he got some elf ears, a new leather bag, a custom real life bag of holding, and his first ever d20! (we both got one they were on sale for 2 dollars each but they are our first so were hyped either way!!!)

also. Narry was totally composed the entire time it was amazing /sar /lh /aff

[laughhardrunfastbekindsblog]

I've been reflecting recently on why I love Bad Batch SOOOO much (no, seriously, I've been obsessed since the show first started airing and my obsession isn't fading anytime soon) while also still having some issues with the finale. And I think it's because the story reminds me so much of my own family. (Note: my ramblings in this post do get personal.)

I loved Clone Force 99 from the moment they were introduced in The Clone Wars. A band of clone misfits who are instantly recognized as different but also are close to each other and work together seamlessly with plenty of banter? Give me more! The amazingly resilient Echo is brought back and of course joins them? YES!!! So when it was announced that the Bad Batch would be getting their own show, I was thrilled! Yay for more crazy sibling shenanigans!

And then season 1 happened, with the squad almost immediately fracturing amidst all the changes occurring with the rise of the Empire. Ooof, hello reality.

I grew up in a large family with lots of siblings. We were all super close (and kinda crazy 😂) growing up; as we've become adults, however, personality differences have led some of my siblings to stop talking to each other which then bled over into them not talking to anyone else in the family. Not gonna lie, the past few years have been really hard, trying to figure out how best to navigate things so as to not push any of my siblings away but also give them their space.

Needless to say, I saw my family reflected in the Bad Batch. The Bad Batch were so close for so long, and then started falling apart. When Crosshair not only wouldn't go with his family in the season 1 finale but also seemed to be rejecting Hunter's statement that they could pursue different paths without being enemies, my heart broke even more. I know it will be a long time - if ever - that my own family members all reconcile with each other, so I really wanted this little clone family, at least, to get that chance. (Living out my hopes and dreams in fiction, I guess?)

Season 2 continued the season 1 trend of showing us both sides in such a sympathetic and nuanced way. I like to try keeping an open mind and seeing a situation from different angles/POV, both in real life and with fictional stories; so I think a big part of the reason why I adore this show is because it gave us the opportunity to consider both the main squad's AND Crosshair's perspectives, which honestly was a great exercise for me over the past few years in keeping an open mind regarding my own siblings' experiences and opinions (even if I don't always agree with them). And I was still holding out hope that this little clone family would have a chance to reconcile and be whole again.

And then Tech fell.

I'm crying right now just thinking about it.

(Tech was my favorite OG CF99 member since the moment he first stepped on screen, so his death would have been excruciatingly painful regardless; but the fact that he apparently died before the family could be fully reconciled... Well, I already know such a scenario - someone dying before reconciliation - is sadly possible with my own family, but having it happen to this fictional family just hit WAY too close to home, and I would have been equally devastated about this if any other Bad Batcher had died.)

Going into season 3, I knew there was a chance Tech wouldn't come back, much as I wanted him to. I LOVED watching Crosshair build a relationship with Omega, rejoin the family and reconcile with his other brothers, but... Tech is his brother too! With each passing episode, it was a struggle between hoping Tech would come back so the family would actually get their chance to be whole again, while also looking for any closure, any indication that Tech's memory and legacy would be acknowledged and honored by all the siblings he'd sacrificed himself for. I wanted Tech to be alive to get his own happy ending for his own sake, but if a comeback wasn't happening I wanted his life and sacrifice to clearly serve as an influence and motivation for his family. And for his siblings' sake (ESPECIALLY Crosshair's), if Tech was really dead and there wasn't going to be a full reunion, at least let the whole family heal from the loss, at least let the family honor the brother who gave everything to give them a chance to reunite.

The finale concluded, and I realized we got neither: there had been no full family reunion, and there had been no real closure/healing for the family regarding Tech's sacrifice either. (And I don't think it's at all unreasonable to have assumed the show would give us one or the other.)

Look, I'm one of those people who walked into Rogue One assuming it would have a happy ending. (Oh, those days when I was so young and naive...) So let me tell you, that ending traumatized me almost as badly as the ending of ASM2.

But, while other tragic/bittersweet endings have shaken me, it was the Bad Batch finale that literally left me feeling physically ill for days afterwards. Like, I was so relieved that everyone else lived? But it was so strange to be told it was a "happy ending" when, out of the entire family, only Omega kinda sorta maybe (if you squint) had a moment to honor their fallen brother? The family goes through all that trauma and loss and we end the show without actually resolving it, without the family actually healing? Tech's sacrifice made the Batch's eventual retirement possible, and the show won't even just say it? And to add insult to injury, after an entire season with the narrative teasing the possibility of Tech still being alive with CX2 being the forerunning explanation for it, it's all "well, we're still not going to provide any real closure on this plot point, but aren't you glad you can maybe assume Tech ISN'T CX2 since Hunter ran that sucker through without blinking an eye? Look, happy ending!"

I'm still stuck in "season 1" with my own family, so watching this story play out and ultimately conclude with this fictional family not getting full closure regarding one of their own siblings who had never been anything but supportive of all of them was... unsatisfying, to say the least. I LOVE that the clones, who were created by Palpatine to be discarded, managed to (unknowingly) strike a significant blow against Palpatine's plans. I LOVE that Omega and some of the other clones were able to choose to live peacefully on Pabu. I LOVE that Crosshair came back to his family. Still, I will never get over how Tech was handled - both the character himself and the characters he was closest to.

And I think this is part of the reason why I really hope the Bad Batch's on-screen appearances aren't completely over yet - and why, even without factoring in all the narrative ambiguity in season 3, I'm still rooting for Tech to return. Tech himself definitely deserved better, and his family deserved better too.

So there's my long-winded explanation for why there's not a single day that goes by that I don't think about this show 😅

[flightofaqrow]

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

healing, forevermore

[weepingfoxfury]

Saturday afternoon and the black and white film rolls on. All About Eve with the flashing eyes and astonishing screen presence of Bette Davis.

The back door lies open, the call of the rooks carries through the house adding a certain je ne sais quoi to the current restaurant scene. 4 characters, cutlery against crockery, the imbibing of bubbly, the denouement imminent.

Augustus G Busterson continues to reside in the lounge, still getting used to only seeing the outside from the inside. His latest demand for food provides a thundering background for Eve's acid and grasping speech, his paws beating on the door with each of her unpleasant syllables.

Ah yes, Saturday afternoons and the goddesses of the silver screen ...

[butcharium]

Maybe deep cleaning your room is good or whatever (I just found my drawing tablet which I haven't seen for at least a year)

[aparticularbandit]

Kyoko and Junko are two sides of the same coin, in terms of their Ultimate abilities.

Junko is the Ultimate Analyst, which lets her analyze and learn Talents, sure, but most importantly lets her predict what's going to happen in the future based on the data she has. Trends, people, interactions, relationships - all of that is something she can mentally and easily comb through to accurately guess at what will happen in the next step, two steps, three steps.

Junko's Talent lets her predict the future. Accurately.

Kyoko is the Ultimate Detective, which lets her analyze the past and figure out what happened to get people where they are now. She can look at people and determine their current everything and accurately determine how that grew out of their past everything. She observes to find motives to explain a current murder by gathering details that show what previously happened.

Kyoko's Talent lets her retrace the past. Accurately.

Between the two of them, they can see everything.