#recovery isnt always linear

[simulateds3lfh4rm]

Tonight's mood:

Popular Monster by Falling in Reverse on loop while I'm tracing over my old scars with a permanent marker, pretending it calms the urges..

[roguelioness]

Some days, my dog saves my life.

No, really.

I can't get out of bed? Well too bad, she needs to pee, and she can't let herself out so might as well get out of bed.

Well I'm out of bed, might as well brush my teeth.

Might as well make myself some coffee while I wait for her. Oh man, she's taking a while. Oh well, might as well make myself a sandwich.

I have to give her her food, might as well eat with her.

I have food in me, might as well take my meds.

She wants scritches, I'll sit on the couch instead of climbing back into bed. Might as well find something to watch.

Oh damn, she needs to go again. Oh well, might as well have some lunch.

Might as well. Might as well. Might as well.

She doesn't know how much she helps me. She's the best.

[pubbykid]

getting so fed up with mental illness allies who pretend to be fully inclusive until someone has a "scary mental illness" bc like yeah i know i can be shitty because of my disorders. im working on it, but when someone has a disorder that cant be cured or it can only go into remission after years and years of work then being made to feel bad because you cant fix yourself fast enough or be palatable enough that shit sucks.

[natandacat]

I had such a normal day today. I was even able to take short stairs at a normal pace, without breaks and without immediate consequences. Same for standing up and exiting the bus. I started having good days like that again in November but it had been a while, and since that horrible episode I wasn't sure it was gonna happen again anytime soon. It's just. So strange. 2 weeks ago I was so weak I could barely talk, barely walk, and at times unable to drink or use my phone. And today I walked and did a whole shift that involved a lot of thinking and talking, and then I carried a small bag of groceries and did the dishes. This was unthinkable 10 days ago. And it might be impossible tomorrow. Actually I might pay for today tomorrow, I won't know until I wake up too weak to turn in my bed, or suddenly in the middle of the day I become unable to hold my neck and my torso upright. This illness is making life so absurd. I can't project myself more than the current day bc I can never predict my physical state. Even within the day, I've been having these sudden onset episodes more regularly. It's just. So jarring. And ngl. Scary. Especially since the triggers are so unclear. Anyway. That was the disabled musings of the day.

[lesbianralzarek]

as relevant as it is that wyll (who needs to be needed) is the one least likely to get impatient or walk away when astarion's recovery isnt linear, its also worth noting that astarion (who also needs to be needed, not pitied and treated like porcelain) is most uniquely suited to fixing wyll imo. like, he'd try to fix any origin in a romance, but when you look at his skillset and compare it to the problems others have.... astarion is perfectly wyll-fixing shaped

wyll pretends hes 100% trauma-free? astarion is a rogue, hes built to sniff out deception. wyll always puts his needs last? not with astarion around. he wants to steal the moon from the sky for someone, but hes awkward with grand gestures (they ruin the aloof facade). the opportunity to "he said no pickles" for a lover would be ideal for him. wyll feels bad about looking like a devil (not a tiefling, thats not what hes upset about)? astarion doesnt have to pretend he likes it, he means it. wylls "memory of a memory" shit? astarion knows a thing or two about trauma-based dissociation. theyll walk that road to recovery hand in hand

even just, like, how well their endings line up as well. wyll keeps his contract? astarion was a magistrate. wyll becomes the grand duke? astarion is the only other origin who knows his way around the gate's nobility. he'd love to say everything wyll cant. wyll goes to avernus? no sun there! count astarion in. wyll stays an adventurer (post-avernus or no-avernus)? thats astarions spawn ending. all of these endings rely upon astarion staying a spawn, but lets be real, AA isnt helping anyone anyway

let astarion fix wyll, too. they both need it

[mdmraz]

just wanted to say i hope you’re okay, i saw your post and, as a recovering addict myself, i know it’s not easy being clean; relapses happen and if you ever need someone to talk to i’m here. recovery isn’t linear and differs from person to person, support makes everything easier!

ahhh thank you soo much for your kindness and support!! fortunately, im doing alright now, it means a lot for you to show concern and ask about my well-being. like you said; recovery isnt easy and its always better to talk it out with people, especially the ones who understand where you're coming from so if you ever find yourself in need of someone to talk to im always open and here for you!! i hope you're doing well with your recovery and in general, please take care of yourself ‹𝟹

[sunflowersturn]

GO S2 spoilers ahead. Like the worst kind, last scenes of the finale talk. Just have a thought that’s bothering me.

I’ve been seeing a lot of people talking about what Aziraphale really meant/his true intentions/his reasons for saying what he said/making his decisions. I’ve seen a lot of people saying, oh, Aziraphale meant he wanted to make heaven a place that could deserve Crowley. He wasn’t trying to tell him he wasn’t enough as he was. He truly does love him But His Purest Intentions Are Getting In His Way. The coffee was drugged.

All those theories and postulations are fine and good but I just want to jump in and say… I kind of think Crowley ISNT enough for Aziraphale right now. Him being a demon still IS a problem in their relationship, and it always will be as long as Aziraphale clings so much to HIS identity as an angel.

I saw some great meta from @weaver-z about what could have been motivating Aziraphale’s decisions in the finale, and she has some experience with the same kind of religious traumas Aziraphale is going through right now to back that up. I think she’s right, 100%. Aziraphale is still completely entrenched in thinking that Heaven should be home, and everyone should want to be an angel. Even if a part of him knows it’s not true, he has to cling to it because he still hasn’t accepted that he won’t be accepted.

Zira wants so, so badly to be Good and Righteous that he rots away Elspeth’s dug-up corpse so she can’t sell it, basically taking food out of her mouth. He wants so, so badly to be Good and Righteous that he then aids, abets, and approves of grave robbing in an attempt to make it up to her. He wants so, so badly to be Good and Righteous that he wastes the little time he has left to save wee Morag defending himself to Crowley, who wouldn’t have stopped him anyway, and he knows it.

There’s a reason those scenes were included this season.

And, look, I’m not trying to excuse anything he did, but those things do not make Aziraphale a terrible person. He is really and truly trying his best to help as much as he can and cause as little hurt as possible, but he keeps getting baited back in to Heaven with the promise that he’ll be able to make things Right. There is no ‘learning your lesson’ when it comes to trauma and recovery, the process is not linear. You can get burned over and over—because they told you the burning sensation was normal and to keep holding on.

Aziraphale’s problem has always been that he cannot separate himself from his identity as an angel. Crowley told him to be an angel who goes along with Heaven as far as he can and while it is, in essence, what he ends up doing he can’t accept the reality of it because if he gives up that identity, if he admits that he’s not actually Good and Righteous—then he has to accept responsibility for the things he’s done in the name of it. He has to accept that he’s let some people die when he should not have because he was going along with Heaven’s plan. He has to accept that he has hurt some people who did not deserve to be hurt for the sake of a greater good that never existed. He has to accept responsibility for things that he has no way of asking for forgiveness for and that is a terrifying, terrifying prospect.

I do believe that Aziraphale loves Crowley. I believe he wants them to be together, and safe, and happy. But he believes they can achieve that in Heaven right now, when the truth is that both of them are far too individually-minded and compassionate to ever be able to find happiness there, together or not.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

Hey I saw the post about the cigs and I don't know how comforting this is going to be but setbacks happen. Recovery ain't always linear and that's ok. I'm not a smoker, but I'm almost a year self harm free and I completely get how much harder it is to not give up after you fall back into it.

Being in a bad situation doesn't make you a bad person. Nor does reaching your limit. Considering the fucked up situation Italian government is in, it's already stressful in general.

I'm rooting for you 💪

i havent been self harm free in like months at this point - full blown alcoholic and all (but i am working on it, i swear). but yeah i mean, i dont like wasting money that im eorking hard for, for shit like cigs and alcohol. i genuinely don't. i feel so dumb bc i'm working like a bastard for money and im also studying to earn another scholarship so i should know better but i just... i've been thinking "i need a good smoke" for like a week and i gave in today. i feel so shitty. i took 2 showers, washed my hair twice, brushed my teeth and flossed and used mouthwash like four fucking times, and i still smell it, still feel it. i hate it. i feel so stupid. therapy isnt working and my life is a disaster and um a bad friend and it all sucks. and yes, the fact that this world fucking scares me, not unironically - i'm fucking terrified, every day i read of people dying and every day i want to kill myself because it all hurts so much and i feel useless and dumg complaining about dumb shit when people are out there being slaughtered, and i now live in a dictatorship so nothing makes sense and im genuinely scared that one of these days someone is gonna kill my unimates and i right outside uni because the police there is heavily armed and they dont care about beating unarmed young adults. i hate it all. i hate living this life - had i been x10 richer or smth like that, it wouldn't have changed. being here in this life and knowing whats going on in the world and in my country and with me within myself is enough to send me spiraling as soon as i wake up - provided that i manage to catch some sleep. i hate it all. i'm also aware i'm manic rn and my therapist said so too but i always feel like this and i want it to stop. i want to make one good decision in my fucking life. sorry for the yapping im genuinely desperate. thank you so much for the lovely words and im also super happy that youre doing good.

[prof-polaris]

how are things going today Indigo?

still getting on with casey?

im doing well today. if there's one thing i enjoy about being in Sinnoh, its that i can have authentic sinnohian food :)

Sprite is...in a bit of a mood today. but pain can make people grouchy and recovery isnt always linear so i understand.

as for Casey we are getting along fine! im trying to convince her to try a local Sinnohian delicacy: haridu sushi (that's sushi made with qwilfish). the remaining toxins kinda make your mouth tingle, and he said they're building up to consuming the most toxic foods, so i figure this is a step in the right direction haha!

[dying-weeds]

friendly reminder that you are loved and cared for! its okay to relapse, its okay to feel bad again, its absolutely okay to go back in your recovery! recovery isnt linear! just remember this wont last forever, you will get better again! relapses may happen, but recovery will always be there again <3

Thank you anon i really needed to hear that

[hazyaltcare]

Hey! hopefully this isnt weird or dumping my issues on you, but can I get a bit of positivity for a fictive of Fred Bonaparte (from Psychonauts) who's going through it? Ive been struggling with really low self esteem and depression, and shit's just been real rough for me. Thank you If you decide to pick this up

Hey Fred,

This isn't weird at all, this is literally what our positivity requests are for! Im sorry to hear you've been going through it. I really hope that some of the problems that were giving you grief when you sent this ask have been easing up more lately.

Depression and self-esteem issues aren't easy things to deal with. I'm proud of you for holding fast despite this. Recovery is rarely linear, and it's worth it to stay steadfast during storms in our minds so that we can appreciate the clearing of clouds later on.

Life is always changing in unexpected ways. People always plan for the worst, but I think planning for the best is arguably more important. I wish you the strength to create the future you want for yourself. I know it isn't easy, but you deserve it.

All the best,

Mod Haze (☀️Sol & 🧨Tate)

[archangel-aya]

i ffeel really really unwell. just emotionally

i thougbt maybe mentally but it was just imaginary

but emotionally . there is an open hole inside me and its getting worse . i don't know how to fix it but it hurts so badly . i dont think i can adequately express it in words but thats not the point of this anyway

i dont even know what i Want. why did i suddenly feel so bad. was it really because of the gum . i dont know

recovery isnt linear etc etc this doesnt mean im not getting better . but it was just so haunting

im never going to feel at home again . im always going to feel this alienation, homesickness, on edge, the world im from is dead forever and ill never be back there

[laynsii]

The Undead 🔮

WAAA LANE THIS ISNT ACOTAR-

I know, I know but there’s a reason if you could just hear me out very quickly

Consider this my soft launch on posting this sort of stuff to my mains, as my own original characters and such, I’m testing the waters.

why? Excellent question! I’ve taken a significant step back from posting on anything lately for a wide variety of reasons. Probably most significantly would be due to my year in Uni (of which I’ve finally done wooooo!!) but also because of my mental health. And I’m already aware this is gonna sound like one of those posts but I promise it won’t get heavy and sad- instead maybe something a little more positive?

To put it very bluntly, I’ve lost a lot of love in anything for a long time now. I’ve lost my love for reading, for art and writing and any outlet I held for myself - and as you can imagine it’s been a little hard to get through day to day as I’ve been feeling a little empty. For a while, I tried focusing on myself (hence the radio silence) and I don’t regret it in the slightest! I’ve gone on a long journey that is still on going to discovering my brain and how it works and what I can do to help me feel better and I’m seeking a diagnosis and have a wonderful support system to pick up the pieces! It’s still hard, unfortunately recovery can never be linear but we are getting there very slowly and by being kind to ourselves.

As for my presence online, I can’t say indefinitely what is going to happen. I may disappear, I may reappear with something completely random! All I know is that from now on I only want to put my love for art that I’m slowly trying to find again into what makes me happy and what I want to post! That’s not to say I’m stepping back from the fandom entirely- rather, I’ll be posting more of my own projects and whatever takes my fancy! Perhaps it doesn’t sound like a lot to say this and I may see a completely different perspective but I really am trying to be kinder to myself and in doing so I want to follow and share what small part of my heart can still bring out in my creative outlets

As always I am always very very grateful for the kindness I find on here and so many places I share my art and stupid thoughts onto and I’m grateful for the wonderful people I’ve met through this wonderful journey. I hope to see you onto my next step <3

Anyway this has been long and unedited so I’m going to go to sleep now

[wri0thesley]

Hang in there, Nat. We’ve got your back. 💖

i've written and not posted about ten whining posts today since getting that anon. i'm struggling a lot. but it means a lot also, anon, to know that there are nice people reading my silly thoughts and maybe feeling a little bit happy reading something i've posted. <3

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Me: Eats normal for a few weeks and thinks maybe I'm finally on track to recovery.

Also me: Catches a glimpse of my rib cage in the mirror and instantly fantasizes about losing more weight, enough so I will finally disappear.

Ana: You can't get rid of me that easily bitch.

[burialrite]

shitty tags bc im yelling