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rogue-durin-16 · 2 years ago

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THE MOMENT THEY KNEW

Summary: their imminent death brings surprising clarity to both Jyn and Cassian. While one of them surrenders to their bittersweet realization, the other decides to act on it.

Pairing: Jyn Erso x Cassian Andor

Genre: angst

Tags:

Rogue One/Andor: —

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog @amourtentiaa @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @comfort-reads

Warnings: broken bones, blaster wounds, major character death, canon compliant, language

A/N: Recently read the Rogue One novelisation in hopes of finding a little kiss in the elevator scene. I was so disappointed that I wrote it myself (I even made some silly little playlists). I was tempted to write a happy ending but I'll leave that for another fic. Enjoy <3

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Jyn Erso wasn't stupid. She knew they wouldn't make it.

A part of her was made aware of that the moment K2 had shut the vault's gate. Said part kept growing the higher she climbed.

By the time she, through welled up, defiant eyes, saw Cassian Andor holding up a smoky blaster even though he could barely hold himself up on his feet, she knew.

They wouldn't make it to the shuttle. They wouldn't make it out of Scarif.

It didn't matter much to her at first, though; more important thoughts flooded her mind. Thoughts about the Alliance's Intelligence Captain who she had just learned how to read.

She thought about him choosing to grant her cover over saving himself while they had attempted their climb up the data tower. She thought about him plummeting twelve stories down and crawling back up to help her atop the citadel.

She also thought about how he constantly refused to leave her behind, like everyone else had done before.

And she surprised herself being capable of thinking all of that at once throughout the short path she made over the ruined catwalk in order to reach him.

It all washed over her like a tidal wave, erasing the looming planet killer and the suicide mission and the man in white, and substituting it by how beautiful Cassian looked.

Jyn forced her mind to remember she still had a mission to accomplish. Instead of letting Cassian's name slip out of her lips while she threw herself at his arms in a kind of relief she had last felt when she was eight, the woman rushed to the tower's computer and sent the message to the rebel fleet.

At least, she hoped so.

With all buttons pressed and the plans being broadcasted, she still knew that was it, and it still mattered little to her because she wasn't alone. Cassian supported his own body against the concrete column, right by Jyn's side; his chest heaved as much as hers, and his arm pressed at his abdomen as if he was trying to mitigate the pain caused by the fall, but he was smiling.

Jyn hoped he was as happy to see her as she was to see him. She started to step closer to examine him —although she knew she'd be little help for the Captain—, when she heard it. Someone's staggered breath behind her.

The man in white.

The warm feeling coursing through her veins thanks to Cassian's proximity ran cold.

She ran cold, yet rage made her skin burn, because the man who killed her mother, the man who ruined her father, the man who had sentenced Cassian to death even if they were to make it back to the cargo ship, was still breathing on the floor.

Her father's revenge was sabotaging the Empire's deadliest weapon; hers would be smashing the Krennic's skull until his brains were poured out on the metallic platform.

Jyn seethed and leaped away from Cassian with a growl. She didn't want to kill Krennic, she wanted to murder him, she wanted to—

"Hey— Leave it, leave it!" Cassian urged as his free hand gripped her bicep, tugging her back and holding her flush against him for good measure.

A part of Jyn wanted to try again, but her rage was subsiding increasingly fast, and the scalding feeling on her skin toned down to a tummy-flipping tingle where Cassian's torso met her side.

"That's it." His voice became a soft, soothing whisper on her ear, and she couldn't help but lean on the wounded man.

He gladly took her in, his calloused digits exchanging her elbow for the small of her back and then her waist. Cassian stayed like that, slowly swaying them both while awaited —maybe a bit too long— for her need to disappear. He wondered whether Jyn's hand clinging on the back of his shirt felt as intimate to her as it did to him.

"Let's go." He finally spoke, bumping his nose on the woman's temple —or maybe she had been the one closing the minuscule gap between them. Cassian didn't dare to assume that.

"Okay." With a nod and a camouflaged sniff, Jyn's fingers slipped away from his ragged up shirt and her blue eyes rose until they met the man's chocolate ones. Cassian was in immense pain, yes, but the way the woman who had fueled the rebellion's dying embers until they'd become a wildfire looked at him made up for it. That longing stirred with worry and fear put him at ease, because he knew he made the right choice when he decided he would die for her.

He was no longer dumbfounded by those sort of thoughts like he had been in Jedha —back when he didn't know why he couldn't leave her behind—, or scared like he had been in Eadu —he had betrayed himself so easily for a woman he barely understood.

No, now Cassian knew. Jyn was a reflection of him —the part of him he had left behind. She was also a force to be reckoned with; a hurricane that had swept him into her chaos the moment they met.

Jyn was everything he had been unconsciously searching for a couple of years already. He would have loved to discover her day by day —the scrappy criminal who had saved him in Jedha; the soft girl who glistened in her tears; the passionate leader who had taken them to a nonstarter victory.

Yet, he accepted they didn't have the luxury of time, so he would take whatever she gave him in those last moments.

"You look like shit." She stated, feigning a nonchalant cynicism whilst giving him an up-and-down.

Cassian let out a half laugh that immediately turned into a grimace due to his most likely broken ribs. How he made it up to the top was beyond his comprehension.

"Can you walk?" She whispered, and this time her true emotions bathed her sentence. Cassian surprised himself by denying with his head.

Without a single word, Jyn awkwardly passed his left arm over her shoulders and hoisted him the best she could. She was limping too, the brunet man realized, although he wouldn't bring it to her attention.

"Do you think anybody's listening?" He asked, trying with all his might not to let his discomfort show. If Jyn heard it, she didn't mention it out loud either.

"I do." she gifted Cassian a smile, genuine and peaceful, before confidently stating, "Someone's out there."

Jyn wasn't the best with words, but she hoped that was enough to hint to Cassian the effect he had had on her. She hoped he understood she decided to fight for the cause because he inspired her to do so.

It took them forever to reach the damn turbolift. Despite Cassian doing the best he could to walk by himself, he could barely take two steps without stumbling, which had Jyn's already sore body tensing the whole time to balance them both. She almost exhaled in alleviation when her hand abandoned Cassian's to press the opening button.

The dimlit elevator gave her a fake sense of security, but did little to erase the concern about the Captain's well-being. Even though she had let go of him and his shoulder blade and crown now rested against the holed up wall, Jyn couldn't bring herself to lower her arms. Out of instinct, she kept them extended towards Cassian, ready to catch him if his legs gave in.

No one could blame her; the man looked like he was about to break into a million pieces.

He would have been bothered by that in any other situation —he was no kid who needed to be pampered, he was capable to hold himself— but the agonizing ache lighting up his body was reflected on Jyn's eyes as they roamed his frame, occasionally looking into his with an unspoken apology.

She didn't know how to help.

K2 would have known, Cassian thought, and felt the nausea coming to him. He had led the droid to his death.

In all fairness, he had probably led every pathfinder to death. Melshi had joked about how Rogue One's mission was a one-way ticket to the hell the had earned.

More nausea.

Did Jyn feel that guilt too? At the end of the day, she hadn't really gotten to know those people. Maybe she did feel it for Chirrut and Baze. Maybe for Bodhi. Maybe even for K2.

At the very least, he knew she felt his own life weighing over her shoulders. With a strained groan, Cassian bit the bullet and turned to face the woman besides him.

Jyn felt her heart skip a bit. With a gasp, she stepped forward, her panicked, shaky hands immediately shooting to hold Cassian's forearms when his position shifted.

He was surprisingly fast to catch one of her hands in his, thumb tracing reassuring circles on its back.

His spy façade had fallen with K-2SO, but only now he was actively allowing her to see through him. She found herself once more admiring how beautiful he was like that; exhausted and calm, still standing strong enough to hold her, staring into her soul with gentle, comforting brown eyes.

"This didn't have to end like this." She confessed, refusing to take a step back and lose the grip she had on Cassian's forearm.

The man inches away from her seemed half taken aback —fuck, even she was—, but not entirely.

"It's alright." He muttered, his free hand squeezing Jyn's own forearm before squeezing her waist. "I chose this."

He did. Jyn tried to remind herself Cassian had been in this fight for long enough to know what was at stake, but it haunted her still, the fact that it took her arrival into his life for it to end.

"I'm sorry."

"Jyn..." She almost preferred the Captain's impersonal front now; the way Cassian's gaze made her feel seen was overwhelming. He carried the understanding of an equal, the tenderness of a friend and the yearning of a lover all at once.

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat while she reached out to cup Cassian's nape.

The man's lids fluttered close with her touch, a content exhale slipping through his parted lips, and Jyn's mind wander what they could have been in a fairer world.

The same Jyn whose life motto had been to live from day to day since she was a child, who had never had the luxury of daydreaming about future plans, became frustrated. She wanted to know this side of Cassian —the genuine, sympathetic Cassian who melted under her touch and smiled proudly at her curt speeches and would die for her in secret—, and it wouldn't even be an option, only a sour what if.

Jyn Erso didn't like the 'what if's. She didn't know if Cassian did, but she didn't really give a lot of thought before standing on her tiptoes to close the embarrassingly small gap between their faces.

It was a just an instant-long abrupt kiss, but for Jyn it sufficed to know it wasn't a 'could've been', but a 'would've been'. The certainty showed in her stomach flipping and the burning feeling on her skin under Cassian's tightening grip and the immediate reciprocation of her actions.

Jyn hadn't imagined that the bittersweet realization that came with that shortlived kiss would bring her peace, but it did.

The badly wounded Captain half chased the woman's cracked lips when she retreated. He didn't have to go far, though, since Jyn's forehead swiftly met his.

He wanted to say something —anything— but words escaped him. Perhaps it was for the best, Cassian thought. Jyn preferred action over talking that might have as well been hot air.

Trusting the woman to keep him up if he lost balance, his right palm abandoned the faux security of the turbolift's wall to caress her dirt-stained cheek with an equally smeared thumb.

Cassian felt a slight relief when her reaction to his touch mirrored the one he was having to her fingers toying with the hair on the back of his neck. He had to use all his willpower not to fall when Jyn snuggled closer, her nose bumping his own.

Having her close felt so natural. It wasn't fair.

Their blown pupils met through low lashes and, right when Jyn seemed to find her voice, an unprompted tremor shook the citadel's tower, making them both stumble and putting out the cold, flickery lights outside the shuttle.

Jyn had been quick to react, acting as a pillar for the pair and simultaneously forcing Cassian's back to lean on the wall again.

"What was that?" She whispered in the dark, and Cassian became well aware of the lack of space between them by the feeling of her hot breath fanning over his neck.

They both knew what it had been, but Cassian chose to shake his head briefly. "I don't know." Shaky breath in, shaky breath out. "We're still going down, right?" He caught himself having to ask. He hated the weak pitch he was forced to use.

"We're still going down." Jyn confirmed, carefully resting her face on his half exposed clavicle.

This time, it was Cassian's right that found Jyn's side, sneaking under vest to feel her closer.

Not even a couple of seconds passed before the lift fully stopped, signaling they had reached the lowest level in a shattered blue screen above the gate.

"Hold on, I'll open the door." Jyn requested in a resolved tone, her fingers slipping away from Cassian's biceps. "I'm going to get you out, Cassian."

That was the first time she used his name with earnest. He liked the way it rolled on her tongue a little too much for someone who was about to die one way or another.

"Wait."

Cassian slightly folded forward to take a hold of his savior's wrist and felt his insides twisting at the movement.

Jyn didn't complain. She didn't rush him or chastise him, she didn't even scold him for coercing his damaged self.

Instead, she obliged and waited; she let herself be brought back to his arms and fisted the collar of his shirt when his mouth desperately found hers once more.

She had had her chance, now he needed his. This time the kiss was messy and rushed and needy —so needy that Jyn wondered if Cassian would have denied it happened afterwards in a more promising scenario.

Cassian was writhing in pain and his own movements were at fault, because he needed Jyn's body burning life in every part of his own her touch could reach. He held her impossibly tight and winced against her lips when her own desperate hands did the same.

He kept up as long as his body allowed him to, moving in sync with Jyn until the pain became unbearable and he had to pull away.

There are worst ways to go, Cassian thought with salty tears caught in his eyelashes and his arms wrapped around the woman whose soul was a bit too similar to his.

"Cassian..." There it was again, that intimate sweetness. "We have to go." She muttered, cupping his stubbled cheeks with her fingerless gloves to plant one last featherlight peck atop his lips.

He nodded and complied, first letting go in order for her to open the gate, then draping his arms over her shoulders so she could drag him out into the unnatural hot of Scarif, and lastly allowing her to choose a place to rest.

A part of Jyn wanted to try and make it to a ship, but she was past the moment of knowing better, so the beach was her best call.

Her mother used to love Lah'mu's shores. 'The sea soothes the soul', she had confided Jyn. She wanted Cassian to have a soothing end, and Scarif's beaches were as beautiful as they could get.

She almost ran out of breath, but somehow managed to get them through the heating sand before Cassian's legs gave in, making them both stumble to their knees.

He had made it further than Jyn fathomed possible, which made a new kind of admiration for the Captain bloom in her chest.

Fixing her hopeless, terrified gaze in the horizon, she surprised herself by thinking how breathtaking the view was. Bizarre was an understatement to describe the uncanny resemblance between the upcoming boiling wave of destruction and the most beautiful sunset she had ever seen.

While she stayed mesmerized by the terrifying sight, Cassian sought comfort in observing her. He tried to imprint her silhouette in his brain through his already blurry glance, in case he would drop dead that same instant.

Her face turned and her apologetic crystal clear irises infused one last bit of life into Cassian. There was a thousand things he wanted to say, but maybe just a handful she would have needed to hear. Cassian wanted to believe he chose the best one.

"Your father would be proud of you, Jyn."

A tight-lipped, grateful smile confirmed it, and he felt content.

Jyn too wanted to return the favor, to give him the closure that, unbeknownst to her, she had already provided, but speech wasn't her strong suit.

Her unsteady hand reached out to his, at first miscalculating but ultimately intertwining with Cassian's fingers. I'm scared, she wanted to say at the feeling of the heat wave scorching her exposed skin.

The man whose job was to read people knew, and with one last effort, he propped himself up on his knees and prompted Jyn to do the same. He found the strength to hold her one last time.

Jyn could have cried in relief right there, but instead enclosed her newfound companion in the tightest of embraces. She heard him sigh peacefully, and felt his palms go all the way up to her shoulder blades while his face snuggled on the crook of her neck.

She plucked up the courage and shielded him from the world as it grew brighter, because she owed him; because he came back and wrapped her in a warm, safe embrace that felt like home at the end of it all.

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