#reasons that all feel awful and desperately sad tbh. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

valentine-writes · 1 year ago

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ur writing is super good!! sorry if i’m piling on with this, but any angst with miguel? i need this man put in a blender

if you need to be mean

「 tws + notes: vv possibly ooc, unedited, spider-person reader, unhealthy dynamic, assorted angst, hurt/comfort ending, reader is cold, miguel doesn't know how to deal with emotions, everyone is a wreck but they're all trying so hard :( </3 」

「 gn!reader, man idek if this is platonic or romantic tbh y'all r just messy here 」

↳ ft. miguel o'hara/spider-man 2099

author's note: THANK U SM!! and i got u!!! i am. so excited 2 practice more for him– anon please don't be upset w/ me,, but,,, (´∩｀。),,, i physically don't think i can write Pure Angst. i wud b no good at it!! :p so! hurt/comfort in the end ๐·°(৹˃̵﹏˂̵৹)°·๐ i CANT JUS,, END IT SAD,, </3 i am so so sorry!! also so so real putting him in tha blender at the Highest Speed ever,,, he iz my milk webkin fr (lovingly) (kinda) some real quick stuff: this was gonna b short but i Overdid It and im still unsure whether i like it or not. and also. i was supposed to have the reader being mildly Messed Up™️ too cuz "hehehehe letz make this more difficult >:))" (also becuz miguel is NOT the only one allowed to have issues + too many angsts i have read where reader jus takes what miguel dishes out passively and i didn't want that) BUT I ENDED UP MAKING IT WORSE AJDHDQWHJE,,, hopefully this is. angst galore. again i am not great w this <( _ _ )> <//3

▸ maintaining a healthy relationship with miguel– in any form– proves to be difficult.

this is especially prevalent in the beginning stages of your developing relationship. you begin to learn that he is terrible with verbally expressing any affection he feels towards you. some days he seems almost so completely distant that there’s valid reason to worry that he just doesn't care about you anymore.

these worries are the furthest thing from the truth– miguel hasn't cared about someone to this extent in a while. still, he finds himself lacking, completely unable to tell you how much you mean to him.

▸ sometimes he grows fearful that he's become too attached to you. he aware he's in too deep at this point, yet conflict rages on in his mind: whether it's better to hold on as tight as he can to keep you in his life, or let you go before something rips you away from him.

part of him is worried it's only a matter of time before something happens.

these thoughts are usually quelled by drowning himself in tasks and missions, using his focus on work as a means of distraction.

when there's nothing left to shut them out, he chooses to avoid you instead of seeking reassurance.

there are times when you don't see him for days straight. he doesn't send you on any missions, doesn't contact you, actively avoids you when you're inside of the HQ– and when you eventually see him again, he avoids speaking of it. you both understand you're meant to pretend like nothing happened.

you're not beyond doing the same to him. miguel is distraught with how similar you two can be, how you reflect him and he reflects you in unique and awful ways– ways that only the two of you can understand.

▸ whenever you choose to be the one to spontaneously ditch, however,,, there are moments where he gets desperate and ends with him seeking you out,, usually by assigning you a mission just so you have a reason to come back

no matter who leaves– whether it's you or miguel– you both end up taking each other back in the end, half-heartedly reaching the unspoken agreement that this is the way you two “reconcile.” you grow accustomed to this back and forth.

you're both wonder who this is hurting more.

▸ never wants to be seen as clingy or needy. wants to convince himself he can make it on his own, that things are somehow better that way. miguel feels a deep frustration in the fact that he can't seem to process his emotions in a proper manner.

he seeks solace in solitude, even if it never fully works. he's willing to settle with feeling "okay" instead of "better." (self isolation moment.)

asking for help on missions is one thing. asking for personal help is another, which means that offering him support on his bad days is always a hit or miss.

most of the time, if someone chooses to extend their hand to him, it's typical that he swats it away and insists he doesn't need anything. he doesn't accept help easily– even when it's from you.

▸ there's always the off chance he lets you stick around. he's silent as you find a place for the two of you to sit down. once he’s comfortable, he leans against your side.

the quiet in the room isn't tense. it isn't scary. you know he just doesn't want to talk about what’s bothering him often. he can't even verbalize how much you mean to him– how is he meant to explain any of his other emotions to you?

"it's okay." you whisper, breaking the silence in the room. "just... take your time."

even though your words are as soft you can manage, it feels like you're yelling in contrast to his complete wordless state. you glance over at him. miguel doesn't meet your gaze.

"i'll be here for you," his expression softens ever so slightly at your words as you reassure him, "i promise."

he only mutters one word in response: "don't."

▸ (next headcanon based off of this art from instagram. slide two specifically.)

you can still remember the first time he ever cried in front of you. it's been a vivid memory in your head ever since it happened– not because of why it happened– but because of how it happened.

"you haven't been around for days, miguel." it's been almost more than a week since you've last seen him. this time, you sought him out– not to bring him back into your life, but to confront him one last time. after deliberating for longer than you cared to mention, you finally decided you were going to make things right or get out of his life for good.

and there he is, standing on his platform. it's lowered to the ground, the orange holographic screens surrounding him empty, displaying nothing. they emit a soft glow in the dark of the room.

"tell me what's wrong." you demand. the tone in your voice is unfamiliar to him. you're not making any effort to conceal how thin your patience has been wearing.

his back is turned to you. he doesn't say a word until you approach the lowered platform he stands on.

"go away."

"what? like you've been doing this entire time?" you retort.

"go away." he repeats more forcefully. his anger doesn't scare you away. nothing ever does.

you stare at him unflinchingly. "not until you tell me what's wrong."

miguel knows you're going to stand firm. you're going to stay until he tells you. as he lifts his head, glancing over his shoulder to speak to you, you brace yourself– you wait for him to yell. to lash out. anything.

he just looked at you. his eyes, stinging with tears, meeting your stare.

you don't remember what was hurting him that day. you can't recall what made him breakdown in front of you. no, this is the part you remember.

miguel's large frame looks so much smaller as he attempts to shrink himself, as if trying to hide from you. he averts his gaze, trying to blink back the tears and fails horribly.

he has nothing left to do. miguel hides his face in his hand, even if it’s only the two of you in the room. he’s humiliated– completely ashamed– that he can’t seem to stop his crying. for a moment, you’re frozen, unsure of what to do.

it's a drastic change from how you know him. standing in front of you, miguel seems more like an inconsolable child, rather than the detached and icy person most knew him as.

"don't look at me." those are the only audible words miguel manages to choke out between stifled sobs. he cries like a little boy.

and you hate it. you hate how hard he makes it hard to stay angry at him. you hate that no matter what you do, you can't stay away.

the tension in your body dissolves slowly, jaw unclenching as you sigh to yourself. you’re caving already.

it takes you a moment, but you know you can't leave him like this.

slowly approaching him, you quietly wrap your arms around him from behind, gentle enough for him to pull away from your touch if he didn't want it. he doesn't protest. you swear you can feel him subconsciously lean in.

"it's okay," you mutter, "i got you."

▸ miguel makes sure to talk to you the next day after you comforted him. to your surprise, it wasn't to tell you to keep that moment between the two of you– he knew you well enough to know you wouldn't say a word.

he was there to say thank you. simple and plain as that. he thanked you for sticking around. thanked you for being there even though he constantly pushed you away.

and you couldn't find the energy to respond. horribly disheartening to miguel, considering this is the most effort he had put in to communicate with you– but understandable. he didn't push you any further.

as awful as it felt to know, you didn't want a thank you. you didn't need his gratitude for your stubbornness.

it was much too late for a thank you to resolve the days he left you without a word, only to return expecting everything to be the same. it was much too late for a thank you to make you feel better about the fact you ended up comforting him even after everything. those words couldn't fix anything.

you wanted a goddamn apology.

▸ it's been almost three weeks since you'd last been seen around the spider society hq.

nobody seemed to be aware of the reason for your sudden disappearance. miguel was worried sick.

his temper is shorter, his patience is waning, and he’s willing to snap if anyone even mildly irritates him. it’s an unpleasant experience for everyone.

he'd tried to find you by tracking your watch, which proved to be useless. you were too clever for that– you'd made yourself undetectable, somehow disabling or destroying it before you left. miguel could’ve hunted you down, searching every place in the multiverse to find you again, once more to see you. but he didn't have to. the moment he had decided to start the search, your watch went active again, allowing him to locate where you were. like you were beckoning him over.

he didn’t hesitate to meet you there, stepping through a portal to get to you. notably, you weren’t in your own universe– but he wasn’t going to scold you for that. not now.

there you were. it was almost dream-like to him, seeing you sitting in the grassy fields in the middle of nowhere, the outline of your frame illuminated by the moonlight. the night air was filled with tension, as you sensed him approach from behind and quietly sit beside you.

he’s the one to break the silence. your name slips from his lips, as he’s about to speak up–

"hey." you greeted flatly, cutting him off. you glance at him with a weak smile, chuckling dryly. "so... you need something?"

"...no." miguel glanced around at the unfamiliar setting. just before he can get anything out, you part your lips to speak again, looking up at the dark sky, glittering above the two of you.

“i forget that new york doesn’t have the best view of the stars.” you murmur. “light pollution and all that shit… so y’know,, this is nice. i missed this type of view.”

he nods in agreement, though the small talk about the stars isn’t what he wanted from you.

you continue with your little ramble, seemingly just saying whatever came to mind. “speaking of cities– how’s your corner of the multiverse been? has nueva york been fine? feels like forever since i’ve been there.”

miguel tries not to be distracted by your casual conversation or your obvious allusions to your absence. he sees the way your shoulders are held tense, the way your gaze flits over at him expectantly– miguel knows you’re just waiting for him to talk about it, anticipating what he’s oing to say next.

"i– look–” he takes in a breath, finding the words he had been planning to say all this time. “i know. i know i messed up, and i messed up a lot. …i just came here to tell you i'm sorry. for everything."

there’s a momentary lapse of silence between the two of you. the tension is immeasurable as he watches you shift your sitting position, facing him entirely.

"you should be. asshole."

miguel sighs. “i… really should’ve expected that.”

“you know, migs? i tried so hard to just leave you alone.” the previous confidence in your voice wavers. there’s no bitterness in your words, no malice. he hears it in your tone: you’re just worn down, utterly emotionally exhausted.

he hears a sniffle, causing him to turn his full attention to you. the tears glisten as they fall from your eyes and drip down your cheeks. you make no attempt to shy away.

“what are we gonna do now?” you ask, looking over at him. your voice is faint. small. “i can’t let you go– and for fuck’s sake, you won’t even let me– so… what now?”

“i… don’t know.” he confesses. his hand makes his way to yours, placed atop it. his other wipes your tears away, trembling as he touches your cheek with all the tenderness there is, like he’s afraid he might hurt you. he whispers your name again, and it is the sweetest sound you’ve heard in a while.

miguel usually thinks he’s no good at comforting others. but in this moment, you would’ve never known that. he doesn’t hesitate to pull you into an embrace, holding you in his arms like you’re the most precious thing in the world. he’s not leaving you to suffer alone. he’s not leaving you like that ever again.

“you don’t have to forgive me.” he whispers to you. miguel knows he can’t repair all the damage he’s done. he knows you might never be able to look at him the same. And for once, he’s fine with that. he just needs to know you’ll be okay. “...just, please. let me do this for you.”

#i haven't decided whether i hate this or not #BUT WOWOWOWOW baby's first angsty angst.... this is. something!!#hope y'all dont mind reader's personality here. if given no directions 9/10 times i jus go “hmm but what wud i do here....”#anon i am so sorry if this is disappointing AJDHEJDHWE #miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara headcanons #angst #atsv x reader #atsv headcanons #atsv #across the spider verse spoilers #spider man: across the spider verse

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queenaeducan · 3 months ago

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six song soundtrack

tagged by @inquisimer & @pickelda

If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End credits song

This one goes out to Thora Cadash! Brief explanations under the cut.

Eat Your Young by Hozier

Q.U.E.E.N. by Janelle Monae

Our Lady of the Underground from Hadestown

Heroes by David Bowie

Sleeping Giants by The Crane Wives

Hammering Heart by John Mark McMillan

An event that defines your character's past.

Come and get some Skinning the children for a war drum Putting food on the table selling bombs and guns It's quicker and easier to eat your young

Thora joined the Carta at a young age, destroying parts of herself (and her childhood) to make a living with one of the few paths open to her. It also comes to reflect how she feels about her own lyrium smuggling, the preying they do upon addicts or exploiting free mages for coin.

How your character sees themselves

Hey sister, am I good enough for your heaven? Say will your God accept me in my black and white? Will he approve the way I'm made? Or should I reprogram, deprogram and get down?

A big reason this is on her playlist tbh is "vibes" and "b/c i like it" BUT. One of Thora's struggles in Inquisition is becoming accepted for who she is, in all her oddities and idiosyncrasies, while also being the face of a quasi-religious movement. Q.U.E.E.N. I think speaks to her successes on that front, and the questions she asks in the exploration of those ideas.

How others view them

Wipe away your tears brother Brother, I know how you feel I can see you're blinded by the sadness of it all But look a little closer and Everything will be revealed

I admittedly struggled with this one, and I'm still not entirely happy with the choice because the themes of Hadestown as a musical don't align with what I have in mind for her story. That being said, Thora is deified and idolised by many, so a song sung by a goddess is fitting. Like Persephone, she is associated with the underworld and the world of the living, a return to normalcy, even if that isn't what she necessarily provides.

Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic)

We can be heroes Just for one day We can be heroes

This was my tag for Solas and Thora on my rp blog for her even before the trailer used a cover of it. It doesn't really take a lot of the original meaning of the song into account, but I do think it speaks to their friendship. Like a) Thora has done things that she thinks are wrong (keeping Celene around, drinking from the Well) but doesn't think it means tomorrow she can't make the right choice and b) she thinks the same can be true for Solas. They CAN be heroes!!! Thank u.

A major fight scene

I feel the mountains I feel the mountains shifting under me The sleeping giants Are finally waking, waking finally My pulse is clear, rushing in my ears I hear something calling me

This, to me, is the Corypheus fight song at the end. Thora does The Descent before the end of the game because I Do What I Want, so she goes into the game knowing that the Stone is real. It's beneath her feet, it's over their heads, larger than them both. She's been to Cadash Thaig. She knows her ancestors, now, and the things they did to keep the people they loved safe. She isn't the woman desperate to survive Haven's onslaught, and she's read to face her enemy head-on.

End credits song

The force of the sun Pounds the earth asunder The torch of her strength None can escape Like the hammering heart of The Maker

A low-key song which sings about really loud, awe-inspiring things that just fits Thora well and is a good song to lead out out!

Tagging: @dreadfutures, @nomorecaffeineforyou, @theshirallen, @valorcorrupt, @salesmain

#thora cadash #tas talks #i may have rushed the end bc i need to get ready for work but i didnt want to draft it #long post #Spotify

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raikkonenvettels · 1 year ago

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There are a looot of good ones on the list. I can't choose only one so I'll list my faves and let you choose (or combine if you want to). 😊❤

being able to lay on them comfortably no matter the position.

being able to sit/work in a comfortable silence

that little panicked reach for them (ready to catch them at all costs) if they trip ever so slightly

massages whenever they seem stressed

hugs from behind and gentle kisses on the shoulder >>>

"i've got this, you go rest."

ok this is very late, but finally i have something!!! i am so so so sorry but school is kicking my ass so hard it’s not even funny lol

so uh basically this is the first of four prompt fics bc tbh this prompts are amazing (thank u so much v, your mind is >>>>>>>) so i want to write many stories but idk if i can do it in an acceptable amount of time so i’ll publish the first one lol (i could tag you in the next ones when they come out maybe?)

anyways, this is my omegaverse au with hurt/comfort (and also i tried to insert something about hearts bc i know you love them so yeah). i hope you enjoy!!!

being able to sit/work in a comfortable silence

It had become a habit of theirs, sitting in silence on the living room’s couch.

It all started when Kimi retired, which meant that Seb couldn’t see him as much as he wanted - at least not without looking desperate, and that was the last thing he wanted. But he still missed seeing him so much, his familiar and comforting presence never failing to make his anxiety and fears go away.

But the more times Seb came home to the pack house after races, the more he started to notice a pattern: Kimi spent an awful lot of time in the living room as of late, something he didn’t do much in the past, always preferring to keep to himself in his room.

Seb concluded that the quiet Alpha was trying to compensate for the time he didn’t spend with the pack on track by doing that, and the fact that he was trying to come out of his shell a bit more made Seb not only proud, but also extremely happy. After all, Kimi deserves only good things, and pack comfort is one of those.

On a special night though, something much different happened.

The race weekend had been tough on everyone, which meant that when everyone came back, they had all instantly gone to sleep, to recuperate both mentally and physically. Everyone, of course, except Seb.

The Omega had felt restless ever since he came home, like there was something extremely wrong with something - or someone? - but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what. So after half an hour of tossing and turning around in his bed, he sat up and sighed.

He knew he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, not with the uneasy feeling in his mind, so got up, leaving his (well, technically Kimi’s) Lotus sweater behind, before changing out of his sleepwear and putting on some outside clothes. He then went out of his room to go downstairs and out of the house, in the beautiful rose-covered garden, where his makeshift swing was calling his name.

As he got to the bottom of the stairs though, he noticed someone sitting on the couch, silently staring at the wall in front of them. Seb instinctually went closer to the person, his curiosity taking the lead of his actions, and he was shocked to find Kimi there. So that’s why I felt weird before, my mate needed me…

(He’d never felt more grateful for the partial and incomplete bond they shared for making him actually get out of bed)

The Finn hadn’t noticed him approaching, seemingly still lost in the depth of his mind, a sad frown twisting his features. That expression alone made fear bubble in the German’s stomach: he’d never seen it on Kimi’s face, and he was getting increasingly worried about the reason it might be there.

So he did the only logical thing he could have: he silently sat on the couch and took the Alpha’s hands in his, squeezing them reassuringly, a silent “I am here for you” clear in his actions.

It was only then that Kimi snapped out of his daze, his teary eyes now looking into Seb’s, which made the desire to hug him bubble in his body, but assuming Kimi wouldn’t appreciate it from him, he just squeezed his hands harder. Kimi completely surprised him though, unexpectedly dragging Seb’s body towards himself and burying his head in the Omega’s chest near his heart, his arms tight around the other’s waist, and oh, Seb genuinely felt like crying of pure happiness.

It was evident from the Alpha’s reaction that he was really upset, even more than Seb could have imagined, and the fact that he was the one Kimi sought that comfort from made him emotional, but also incredibly happy. From the Finn’s position Seb could tell that the other was listening to his heart, probably to reassure himself that yes, Seb was still there, alive and well. Seb just squeezed the Alpha against himself, enjoying the feeling of his mate relaxing in his hold.

No words were exchanged, the comfortable silence eventually lulling them both to sleep, curled against each other. Tomorrow they’d talk, but in that moment it had all been perfect.

(And from then on, it became their thing: when one of them was alone on that couch, feeling sad or lonely, the other would come and sit with them in silence, holding the other’s hand and making them know they would always be there for each other.)

i just want everyone to imagine charles waking up and going to the living and seeing them cuddled up on the couch together. pretty sure his soul could have ascended to heaven tbh.

anyways, thank u so much v for your prompts bc they were perfect!!! hopefully this made you feel a bit better i know you’ve been having a rough time lately <33333

#simi #sebastian vettel #kimi räikkonën #my writing #omegaverse au

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esther-dot · 1 year ago

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Lyanna and Elia death actually hit the readers with emotions. Both were innocent who died because of others actions. We get to know about them more from their close families and friends and we sympathize with them. The way Ned, Oberyn and Doran mourn them leaves impact. Ned tore down the tower of Joy and commit treason to protect Jon. Oberyn risk his own life to seek justice for his sister. Yet same can't be said about Rhaegar because the people and his family has no real connection or emotions with him. Viserys never really told Dany about Rhaegar being a brother. Dany is obsessed with the idea of Rhaegar who she don't know. Jon Con who is obsessed with him had no real connection with him.

(prev ask)

They really do! Martin did a very good job conveying horror and grief over their fates. I won’t insert the quote about Elia, it’s so deeply disturbing, and the image of her babies before the throne… devastating. Everyone talks about Ned's trauma for a reason, even though we're books past his last breath, his memories of Lyanna's death, his inner torment, they're haunting.

Tbh, I'm gonna happily hate on Rhaegar regardless of where Martin takes things, so I have to really work to be unbiased. But, when I look at certain elements that pop up in Jon’s chapters that are meant to reach back into pre-canon and bring Rhaegar into the story, I’ve evolved how I read it, and don’t think Martin was writing Rhaegar as a sadistic fuck. I have to think, given the contradictory pictures we're given, that Martin is writing about what he repeatedly has written about. What do we do with people who are several things, different things, all at once?

The Hound saves Sansa, then threatens her life. Tyrion is a villain who chooses to not have sex with Sansa because he can't ignore her fear. Jon sees Ygritte weep over a song and the fate of giants, smile at him, and then callously murder an innocent man before nearly killing Jon. Martin believes in what I’ve called “expansive” characterization. They characters are multifaceted not to make us ignore one side, but to ask us to develop our ability to feel fear and compassion, to feel warmth and a chill, to find things to love and hate in the same place.

I admire that and think it's crucial not only to fully enter the characters' worlds and POV, but to be able to embrace the anti war theme. The books have so much more meaning when I accept that I love Ned, I believe the Westerosi were right to overthrow the Targs, but from Dany’s perspective, she is right to despise Starks. Her family was killed. To have Targs and Starks alike think of what Elia’s babies suffered with horror, even while they are on opposing sides of the war, that’s the truth about the war, isn't it? What we're meant to find at the heart of it all? It is tragedy for everyone. That’s what makes the series anti-war, it has to avoid glorifying violence, not just say it’s sad to lose—it must still be awful to win. When Maester Aemon mourns the death of his family, desperately wants to save Daenerys, I am meant to feel the tragedy in this, listen to the pain on both sides.

(I mean, I'm hardcore anti targ and all they represent, but I'm talking about what I believe Martin ideally wants)

As much as I believe Jon will have strong negative feelings about Rhaegar's choices, horror even, I can't imagine that Martin will write Jon's feelings as entirely one-note. He's gonna introduce some conflict, he always does. We don't yet know what that might be, but when I was rereading the Mance meeting, saw how Mance and Jaime both had a connection to Jon's central struggle, realized how the Rhaegar-esque aspect of Mance was associating Rhaegar to it all...well, I did entertain the thought that Rhaegar's actions can be read as a parallel to Jon's theme:

"Then Lord Eddard is a man in ten thousand. Most of us are not so strong. What is honor compared to a woman's love? What is duty against the feel of a newborn son in your arms … or the memory of a brother's smile? Wind and words. Wind and words. We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy. (AGOT, Jon VIII)

Obviously, this is primarily about Jon, I expect it to play out in Jon’s story, but it does sound Rhaegar-esque. Jon might have been that baby to Rhaegar.

That would mean we condemn him for how he failed Elia and the babies, his kingdom, that Jon would still that horror, but would prevent Jon from being able to completely despise the man, as he too has felt torn between vows and love.

(insert my caveats re: prophecy baby, being very much at peace with Rhaegar bleeding out etc)

The pain comes in with complexity, and I think that’s what Martin wants even if I’m personally unmoved by it.

#anti rhaegar #r+l=j #dot chat

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emaciated-creechur · 2 years ago

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I don't understand how people can want to look like clones of each other simply because it's popular to look a certain way other than just feeling incredibly lonely and desperately wanting to fit in, or having such low self esteem you let others decide how you wanna look. And I feel so sad for those people, cause they must feel so awful about themselves and think getting external validation will somehow make them feel better about themselves but it won't, it'll never be enough. Sure, getting love and support helps a lot but it won't make you actually change the way you see yourself in the long run, that's an effort you have to make for yourself.

Idk I guess I don't understand how some people can find other people ugly simply because of some random thing that has no baring on the kind of person they are. I think everyone looks so cool and beautiful and unique and it's so wonderful how different we all are! I find so much beauty in diversity, in how different people can be, whether it's their body type, their skin, their hair, their facial features or other qualities. I'd find it so boring if everyone looked a certain way and there was no variation whatsoever.

I only think someone's ugly when I find their personality and behavior ugly, but maybe it's just that I don't understand a lot of social expectations because of my autism, or maybe it's because I'm in the ace spectrum.

Yeah, I might not feel attracted to certain people, I still have a type, but that doesn't mean I won't appreciate the beauty of someone who's not my type, despite not feeling attracted to them.

I never wanted to look a certain way because that's what other people would find more attractive.

I've been bullied for having freckles, countless people have insisted over and over again that I would look better with straight hair and that they want to see how it'd look like ironed out, I've been told my body hair's disgusting and I should get rid of it, that I should eat more cause I look like a skeleton, that my head would look too small if I cut my hair short, people would constantly compliment my sister's eyes because they're blue while ignoring my brown eyes, I've been told that gingers are bad luck/a jinx, like a black cat, I've been told I would look uglier if I transitioned, because men are uglier than women, apparently, amongst other things. But it never made me stop liking those things about me, it just frustrated me how other people would pester me about it constantly and try to make me feel bad about things that I like about myself.

I think all my insecurities when it comes to my appearance and the way I present myself have to do with gender dysphoria. I've always found my breasts annoying and cumbersome, like a burden, because I can't wear a lot of what I want without having to find a way to flatten them cause they'd make me look like a woman, I don't like my hips being so wide because they give me this hourglass shape, I don't like my stretch marks or cellulite cause I relate it to femininity, or my period for the same reason and also because it's painful, a hassle and makes my body weak and tired, and I feel the need to lose weight because I want to get rid of those things.

I used to find my voice high pitched and irritating despite other people finding it low and pretty, and now that it's actually irritating to other people because it cracks constantly I fucking love it and I even crack my voice on purpose to laugh at other people getting annoyed by it.

That's also why, unlike other trans guys, I don't have height dysphoria either, despite being 162cm(5'3") tall, because there's lots of cis men who are really short and cis women who are really tall and they're all super cool and trans people are really cool too no matter their height. It's just annoying when I can't reach something that's too high up and I have to ask for help or get a stool or a chair to get it but it doesn't affect me on my day to day life all that much tbh, so I never really pay much attention to it.

I just don't like it when people call me short king, or king in general. Idk why it feels patronizing to me in particular. It's not that there's anything wrong with the frase, it just feels personally icky to be called that for me. I think it's because a lot of people tend to infantilize me, and being called short king just feels like another form of that in the contexts I've been called that. Like they feel sorry for me being short so they have to give me a cute nickname to make me feel better about it, like some king of consolation prize. They don't call tall men tall kings or something like that.

I never wanted to look like someone else, just a male version of myself. Whenever I felt like someone gave me gender envy, it was because they look like me but with a masculine body, the way I would look like if I was amab, or finished with my transition. Because then I'd truly feel like myself. Because I'm not a woman, I'm a man, and I want my body to represent that.

So I never straightened my hair and I always make sure it's extra fluffy and curly, I cut my hair whatever length I want and style it however I think looks the coolest at the time, I let my body hair grow and never shave it, I enjoy the sun against my skin and just wear sunscreen so I don't get burnt, I started taking testosterone, and I might get top surgery no matter if people think my breasts are already really small or that I should like them because people find boobs attractive, because that's what makes me feel more comfortable with myself.

I eat as little as I can because it makes me look less curvy, therefore more masculine, and because it's a coping mechanism and an eating disorder, something that's a literal metal illness and an addiction. Something I'm just relying on for support now that my life's so complicated, until I'm in a better place and can finally start working on recovery.

And I'm just so very happy that my body's finally looking, feeling and sounding the way it makes me the most comfortable, the way it's supposed to be: not because that's what others expect it to be, or what other people would find more attractive, but because it's finally starting to feel mine. I feel like myself when I see these changes, not like some random stranger in the mirror I can't connect with, some hollow doll body my mind happens to control, something I can hurt and neglect because it's nothing more than an object I happen to be trapped in, like a genie in a lamp.

That's why I always get so irritated when other people compare my transition and gender affirming healthcare in general to other cosmetic surgeries, because it's not like we're trying to escape who we are, or make our lives easier to become someone else, or look a certain way because that's what society expects of us, it's literally the opposite, it's us wanting our bodies to reflect who we truly are on the inside. And it offends me how people will convolute such different things on purpose just to make our lives harder.

Idk, I just wanted to rant about all of these feelings I've been having lately, both positive and negative, and how sad I think society putting so much weight on something that defines so little about someone's inner self as their appearance is, and how I don't understand how some people can just let themselves be guided by something so unimportant, how they can just let something so insignificant define so much of their lives and their relationships.

#body positivity #body neutrality #eating disoder trigger warning #male ed #trans ed #trans ana #ftm ed #transmasc #ftm trans #diversity #rambles of an emaciated creature

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seancamerons · 1 year ago

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i was telling my bf earlier in the parking lot of his library, about the times i used to rent the VHS' for degrassi high from my local library in the 2000s. there were about 20, with 2 eps 30 min. each, idk if they still have that sort of thing. who would bother renting vhs' now?

+more under read more

the first eps i saw was about kathleen mead. i didn't watch dh in order. i watched next gen before i watched the degrassi high/degrassi junior high content.

one was about finding random drugs in a tampon vending machine in the ladies' room and bringing them to her sleepover/birthday party where there was a sleepover kind of party.

so once i guess her mom went to sleep, everyone got 'mega high' except caitlin (bc at that point in the series perhaps she's this goodie 2 shoes/she is an epelpetic idk if that makes things worse smoking weed or didn't seem like her vibe, which isn't an issue but i can see caitlin being 420 friendly circumstantially or there was a vibe/implied heavily she experimented with that at least in college or something!) and her i think kathleen's best friend like longtime bestie insensitively like no fcks given, told the girls all kathleens secrets.

she was an emotional high person, these girls shouldn't smoke tbh they got too much baggage ESPECIALLY KATHLEEN and evidently melanie too, and some of her skeletons were pretty damning but i assumed everyone knew about the boyfriend/the drunk mom so idk. meanwhile like poor diana didn't feel a thing! melanie wouldn't shut tf up, and it was lowkey sad for some reason bc the next episode was about her getting the snot beat out of her by a mean older creepy violent angry rude jerkass boyfriend ironically like,

why is this the first thing to come to mind when it comes to libraries?

i did remember that in the episodes, caitlin despite all the mean shit kathleen had said over the years about her, or snide and sneaky things she'd done to her over the time they were in school, actually comforted her.

caitlin was a saint bc i wouldn't ever comfort my bullies after that, i think kathleen tried to kind of weasel rick from caitlin bc she was jealous. early kathleen like jr high version ugh what a cringey and annoying, bitchy girl, like awful and annoying as all get out, in hs she had like deeply sad sad plots by comparison not to mention took a few levels in badassery but still, like caitlin of all people really?

also worth noting finding two wrapped joints in a bathroom tampon vending machine in like 1989, is just listed under things that would NEVER happen in any country or planet on earth, the likely hood is almost impossible. that shits expensive and they're all getting that stuff for free?

it's the same thing as, who would waste quality drugs on a trick-or-treater/child? simply just doesn't happen, fear mongering is the reason we all have to begrudgingly attend trunk or treats with our adult friends who are parents or hear about it from friends who have kids. like i needed another reason to just generally not want kids tbh, i'd be goddamned if random drugs came out of a tampon or pad dispenser like that, i'd be like 'okay.' i'd probably smoke it because, that's a goddamn miracle and it would probably never happen again, the equivalent to finding a four leaf clover without looking as if its a needle in a haystack on the grass.

knowing degrassi, it was probably intended for other people, like seriously it wasn't intended for kathleen and her friends, it was like a girl sharing the wealth with a friend, and it somehow fell in the wrong hands tbh. for all we know it could've been oregano. for all we know it was just like a placebo and like melanie snitched and turned on kathleen because she was sick and tired of her shit because they were amateurs and didn't inhale or something. that whole crew no offense were like 'desperate wannabes' or misfits like the ones on mean girls with the wide-flow and the heavy-set vag/army pants and flip-flops and stuff like that.

PS if you're wondering those episodes i think were called: nobodys perfect & the all-nighter

#riddle me this how did caitlin turn into nextgen caitlin?#different women #not the same #still can't stay in her line the similitaities end there #degrassi high #thoughts #library #2000s #old #degrassi #caitlin ryan #kathleen mead #melanie ?#diana ?#character #90s #80s

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tutuandscoot · 3 years ago

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Hey, you seem to be one of the few sane vm fans left, so i wanted to talk to you about something. I also believe the two of them aren't romantically involved and quite possibly never even were. I have a feeling that the reason why they don't do public collaborations and in general distanced themselves is bc the fans were so crazy. The only way they could have a normal life was to separate themselves so people would leave them alone. So people who so desperately wanted them together actually contributed to them distancing themselves from each other (at least publicly). I don't know why people think they hate each other now or don't talk at all. I think it would be smart of them to keep their interactions private since people can't behave themselves. I 100% believe they are still friends but prefer to keep it quiet so they can lead their lives without constant whispers and everyone analyzing them for the slightest clue they are together. I look at old blogs from 2018 and i cringe so badly, i cannot image how awful it was for them to see all that crazy. To have a wonderful relationship questioned at every turn and to feel like they can't be themselves because someone will interpret it a different way. It makes me sad, we kinda brought this upon ourselves. They felt the need to distance themselves because there was no other way for them to have a normal life. If they toured today people would still talk about their relationship and trash morgan and jackie. It is maddening. Sorry, this was kinda a rant, but i had to get it off my chest.

OMGGG Anon you have no idea how much I agree with this!!!!! This is so ridiculously on point and tbh I was actually thinking similar things the other day. Also… I LOVE RANTS so you’re rants are welcome here. Now settle in for one of mine ✌️

So firstly- while I wasn’t on blogs/Twitter any of that before like November last year- and in 2018/19 my extent of following VM was just following them on Insta. Basically everyday I’m so glad I have a blog about them NOW rather than 4 years ago coz I would not be able to handle it. I’m so sensitive and feel a lot about the people I admire (not just VM, others too: dancers, mentors, etc) and I would not be able to handle the hate- much like you even now with the small samplings it makes me sad. I have an VM Insta page as well and the other day someone just decided to drop into my DM’s and say ‘how could they have broken each other’s hearts’ and it made me so angry. I just deleted the msg coz I wasn’t gonna waste my time. 🙄

I 100% believe they were never romantically involved. I’ll do my best not to lay out all my points in another 5000 word essay but essentially what I see that others may constitute as ‘too lovey, familiar, comfortable with each other, etc..’ I put down to two things.

1. They are dancers. I’m a dancer and I’ve had to do similar stuff to what they do some programs (carmen, MR) with people I’ve just met, let alone known for 20years or was romantically involved with.

2. They are very very close friends who were by each other’s side for 22 years. They’ve been through everything together. They are so comfortable with each other. They love each other, they care about each other, but they can also be silly together and tease each other like best friends do. They themselves say they are each other’s family. Each other’s parents, siblings are as much their’s as their own.

But especially what people would freak out about during and post-PYC, the TTYCT and RTR, (according to some of the more toxic blogs) is they are mature adults who are obviously very secure in their sexuality. They know how to control themselves but are also very aware of their physicality and interactions together. And honestly, I think they are attracted to each other- they just don’t want to fuck each other. This along with the fact they had been partners for over 20 years. I think that’s the main thing people would forget when they blatantly objectified them: that VM don’t know any different. Being so close is all they know and if they were to have that taken away from them- not by their own choosing I think would utterly crush them. [The way they have managed it so well and are so at peace with it is because retiring was their decision and they did it exactly how they wanted] That’s how they show and express their love and after 20 + years of being under the microscope and so heavily scrutinised by judges, coaches, audiences and internet trolls, they become each other’s safe place. For ex: all the hugs/cuddles at the end of MR:

The soft face caressing and almost kisses (chore or otherwise):

Lovingly staring into each other’s eyes during interviews, endless complements for each other:

X X

That’s not them being romantic. That’s literally them being in their safe space. The figure skating world is harsh enough, let alone add on all the internet a**holes trolling coz they have nothing better to do with their lives. Those cuddles and caresses and looking into each other’s eyes is like home for them. I was thinking earlier how when they take their bows + leave the ice (more during shows but I guess also competitively) they almost always very quickly retreat back into each other. I don’t get the vibe they are overly comfortable under the spotlight (literally the rink lights but I guess also just in the public eye). They love performing, acting, dancing, skating and telling a story together, but I don’t think they crave that audience appreciation. Some performers do, which is fine. But they don’t. They do it for each other. So when a program ends and they cuddle/kiss/hold each other close, squeeze hands and tap tushies, etc, they are just being grateful for each other and probably do it as a comping mechanism for the screams and cheers and the odd feelings that causes. It’s like they say- they could not cope with being singles skaters. The only reason the do what they do is each other, and because they only feel safe in those uncomfortable environments because they have each other.

Now I’m not a therapist/psychologist, whatever, and I’m not trying to implying that people are dumb, but why is it so hard to accept that that closeness and affection is something more special and even more intimate than being romantically involved?? Maybe, as rare as it is, it’s something even more special that should be admired instead of criticised and probed at endlessly.

I truly don’t get the obsession with making up fake relationships between real people on the internet, I don’t get the point of it, especially when I’m the case of VM in ended in “heartbreak” and anger for the people “shipping them”. What is the benefit of making up and spreading shit about people you don’t even know? How low is that. Why are people so obsessed with people they don’t even know having sex they feel the need to bully people about it? That’s so fucked up to me.

I think it definitely contributed to them becoming more private. I also I think as they prepared for retirement it was a natural evolution. I pray they don’t know the extent of some of the trash online about them- I don’t even know the worst of it and I never want to coz like I said- it really upsets me. I think about that short video of them answering Twitter questions and one of them was ‘what’s the craziest rumour about you’ and the way which Scott says ‘there’s some nasty stuff out there’ in retrospect, breaks my heart, coz there’s stuff that he knows that he considers nasty. And that’s probably not even the worst if it.

They did not/do not deserve any of that. What did they do to deserve this? I hate when people say “it’s their fault, they bring it on themselves”. And while I don’t think everyone commenting that meant it literally- it’s was just more hyperbole, my limited knowledge of the extent of the toxic nature this place used to be says there were people who meant it- and used it as permission to objectify them.

As much as I often comment things like ‘omg just let me live’, I’m not thinking of it in terms of their ‘romantic relationship’ I just mean they are incredible performers, artists, and their partnership/existence together is so beautiful it makes my heart beat faster. And they are so brave for being who they are, with each other despite all the trash talkers.

So yes anon. I think you are very on point in that it contributed to them distancing themselves publicly. And I fucking hate that that’s a possibility. I don’t think it would ever, ever affect their feelings for each other tho. If anything, I think they would mutually feel that it was for each other’s wellbeing and safety, that they didn’t want each other to be affected by any trash.

And after everything they’ve been through, I think they are truly relishing in figuring out their friendship not only removed from skating, but from the public eye. I think that’s something they always looked forward to figuring out and exploring together. They are courageous, brave and creative people who aren’t afraid of new challenges, and while in the physical respect they aren’t as close as they use to be, I think in other ways they are learning to be even closer, and/or understand each other better. And that’s amazing after 22+ years of skating together, 25 + years knowing each other, that there is still more they get to learn about each other, and they aren’t sick of knowing each other. That’s amazing. I could not have more respect for them if I tried.

Something I had talked about recently/while ago, wtevr, was can people not comprehend that T&S know better than anyone in the world where they stand in terms of their feelings for each other. After that long together do people really have the audacity to think they can tell T&S how they actually feel about each other, that they know more, understand more about what T&S have been through. And that T&S deciding to be with other people romantically spits in the face of what everyone thinks is true love.. and them deciding to be with other people means point blank that they hate each other??? WTAF???

Scott committed to Tessa the day of their first competition when he fucked up the steps and she stayed with him. As long as Tessa wanted to do this with him, he would be by her side. He would not be the one to let this incredibly special girl down. Tessa gave up the national ballet school for Scott at just 9 years old because she had committed to him, and she would not break that commitment and because she was already starting to feel a special connection with him that the idea of dancing with one partner and creating these stories together appealed to her more than a ballet career. He stayed with her through her injuries, she helped him through the hard times leading up to Sochi, and they returned to competition TO BE WITH EACH OTHER. How do you just reject and forget all of that as soon as you stop spending every day together. So I don’t know if these online trolls are really that dumb, or just enjoy contributing to the destruction of perfectly stable relationships coz it’s fun.

They may not be able to find the words to define their relationship, but they know what it means to them, and they know it’s one of the most important things in their lives and they will always have each other. There’s no way in the world everything they have experienced together can be undone. And I hate that people can’t just accept that the famous people they wish had some perfect, typical love story don’t, and what T&S have, as unusual as it is, is not only better, but it’s what Tessa and Scott want. And if you claim to ‘love’ them, to be a ‘fan’ of them, you should genuinely care about them and want them to be happy, even if it’s not want you think is perfect for them- how would you know.

Hope this satisfied your feels anon ❤️❤️

*most of these gifs aren’t mine-full credit to owners

#sorry this is stupidly long but I just love this ask I wanted to cover all bases #I’m so glad there’s others on here who ‘get it’#I didn’t know who isolated my opinions and feelings were till I started exploring tumblr #then I discovered the disgusting toxisity #and I felt so alone #but they I found friends and those who share my love for VM and it has become such a happy place for me #so thank you to those- you know who you are #and thank you for this ask #anon #ask #also please read the comments my friends are making some fantastic points

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 3 years ago

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idk how many people would even want to see this BUT i wanna yell about Leela and Brax so here's a list of all their scenes togethr/scenes pertainng to them that i can recall (pLEASE add on if i missed anything/ you have any additional thoughts!! i could talk about these two all day!)

right off the bat in Weapon of Choice when Leela is on the outskirts of the Citadel and Brax goes to bring her back (which is interesting in and of itself, bc usually i would imagine a chancellery guard would go do that so what made Brax decide to instead??), Leela kinda goes off at him bc she's hurting and instead of trying to actually explain what's going on Brax doesn't even try to argue he just says "we need you" which is great bc Leela has that instinctive desire to be needed and to help people and he's speaking right to that -- also as far as we know, this is Leela and Brax's first actual meeting in canon? it's implied that they know of each other, which makes sense, but it doesn't seem like they've ever directly interacted before: Brax seems almost slightly uncertain, and Leela is combative, but when he's gentle with her she's actually quite receptive

the literal next scene after that, where the OT4 is all in one room for the first time (they still kinda hate each other at this point but still !!!). Narvin explaining Gryben and being a real jerk about it and Leela (understandibly!) questions if Gryben is a prison world, and Brax (who to this point has been mostly quiet as Narvin and Romana brief Leela) jumps in to both clarify Narvin's previous xenophobic statements while also maintaining the inherent questionable/negative connotations

(btw it's actually pretty important to note that Romana self-edits herself a lot when talking to Leela, especially in the earlier seasons; you can actually hear her revising the things she says to put it in terms that she thinks Leela will better understand. and i mean she does it out of genuine consideration for her friend associate but it often comes across as varying levels of patronizing. Narvin also obviously "dumbs things down" when dealing with Leela early on, but like... Brax never does that on any level. the only difference i can tell in how he addresses Leela vs how he talks to anybody else is that he seems much more kind with her than almost anyone else???)

their conversation about the Matrix in The Inquiry: this is REALLY important (and if you've ever talked to me on ao3 i've probably gone off to you about it lol) because it's layered. they're talking about the Matrix but they're also not because in answering Leela's question Brax is making a very thinly veiled allegory (which he outright states a minute later) to Time Lord society/politicians/most importantly HIMSELF -- he's actually strangely open about his morals/beliefs in this scene and i'm living for it tbh -- and i find it very interesting that even though he does directly explain what he means ("how do you know all this?" / "because i am a politician.") he also leaves it for Leela to work out the implications. like it's a very nuanced conversation bc there's double meaning in it and most people on Gallifrey seem to think that Leela is tone-deaf and can't pick up on that stuff (even Romana sometimes oversimplifies things to her) but Brax totally just lets her take from it what she will bc he believes her intelligent enough to understand. he doesn't think her any lesser because she's human.

ALSO on a secondary note to the above: the fact that Leela has a question/needed clarification (sorry, haven't listened to this in a while i forget how it actually happened) and actively sought out Brax to talk to about it?? like she knows Romana better she could have gone to her but i feel like Leela kinda imprinted on Brax and someone she can go to for help if she needs it; maybe it's partly bc she knows he's under marginally less pressure than Romana is but also the truth of the matter is that Brax was the most genuinely helpful person to her in the previous stories and that probably means a lot to her (esp. bc he acts like the essence of everything she hates about Gallifrey but he doesn't treat her the way she would expect from that). btw this topic is gonna come up again in a hot minute

that part where Brax gives her that information that might help her re: the Andred thing, even though he really probably shouldn't have done that -- it kinda makes me think about what he must have been like with Theta tbh???

actually this is mostly my own conjecture but there's some neat stuff in Spirit bc during the *waves hand vaguely* bodyswap dream sequence thing, Romana is very "!!!! Brax can help us !!!" which is tecnically Leela brain talking, so like there's the implications of the stuff i've said above about Leela having this idea of Brax where she knows he's someone she can go to for help

can u tell i'm soft for them

Leela sounding really sad/distracted when she talks about how Brax isn't there YES i'm grasping at straws but a lot of this relationship really is conveyed through the voice acting bc of how little direct focus there is on the characters. there's actually several scenes in Mindbomb where she mentions him and she outright says that she misses him during her discussion with Matthias

that implied scene with them in Mindbomb!! i have a Lot of thoughts about that!!! it's all conjecture and fanfic fodder!!! but the reason i mention this is because it seems pretty meta that out of the whole Gally Gang, it's Leela who first sees Brax when he comes back to Gallifrey and in turn she's the first person (besides Matthias, i guess) that he sees upon his return?? idk i just feel like that's somehow a meaningful detail??? also her reaction of utter shock after spending the entire episode missing him and how worked up she is when she tries to tell Romana, like I desperately need to know what happened in this missing scene MR RICHARDS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

Leela insisting on going with Brax when Pandora starts hurting him and their whole conversation there is just. so good. like they're both just so soft and then when Darkel comes in Leela instantly goes into protective mode. like they just have such an open relationship bc Brax doesn't even try to be all pretentious with her, like he doesn't even try to keep up any facades when he's with her he's just very genuine and it really says a lot about both of them -- Leela is so good at seeing people, like getting down to the core of who people are and what makes them them (which is why she's good for Romana, btw, bc Romana has a lot of identity issues) and Brax is so tangled up in who he presents himself as that he barely knows who he actually is anymore but Leela can see that and she makes it so he can truly be himself and he doesn't have to hide. also she's so gentle with him when they talk about Pandora, she's very caring and empathetic and wants to make sure he's okay and i am WEAK

it's been a hot while since i listened to Panacea but I think i remember Brax being really soft with Leela when he first brings the gang to the Axis, like just sounding really glad to see her

ok other than the fact that Brax is lowkey relatable in Reborn (daydreaming fanfic about yourself/people you know? simping for Mary Tamm Romana? yeah mood, my man) there's that scene where they're first appraoching the Citadel on the alt!Gallifrey and it seems like none of them, and Brax specifically, have seen it from the outside in a good long while bc he's very in awe and he tells Leela that he wishes she could see it and he sounds sO hEcKiNg sOFT oh my word-

and once again with Leela thinking of Brax as someone she trusts for help: in Dissassembled when everything is going to crap she straight-up says that she wants to go find Brax bc he'll know what to do/be able to help

at the beginning of Annihilation when Romana is depressed and questioning if Brax truly was her friend and Leela INSTANTLY, NO HESITATION assures her that he was; i lost where i had her exact lines written down but she actually kinda goes off to make sure Romana gets the point

literally forcing myself to talk about this bc it makes my brain stall out but like,,, the Brax Hound in Annihilation,,, Leela being like "goodbye, Braxiatel... again" she sounds so sad and like UGH i always kinda forget how sad it actually is for them to lose Brax in Dissassembled bc like, it was so sudden and they didn't get to say goodbye and Leela is always losing people and i have many many feels about this scene and how all that emotion is made very clear in how they each respond to the Hound (might make a separate post abt this later if anyone is interested ::eyes::)

Enemy Lines is utter bullcrap about these two and I will never stop being salty about how they not only sidelined the very good, very subtle friendship they had in s1-4, but they??? made Leela acutally not trust Brax??? when literally this entire time she's been the one person who probably genuinely trusts him the most?? what the heck, David

I haven't heard TW3 or 4 yet but i'm assuming there's nothing worthwhile in those with regards to this duo (correct me if i'm wrong tho lol, i would love to be mistaken in this assumption)

TL;DR Leela and Brax mututally imprinted on each other and have probably the most open and healthy relationship within the OT4 and it is an absolute CRIME that nobody besides Gary Russell and Justin Richards cared enough to actually build on it in canon

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carrotmakar · 4 years ago

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Not Going Anywhere Without You

Pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: When Y/N finds out that she’s expecting, she’s scared out of her mind. She doesn’t know how she’s going to get through it all. She doesn’t know if Harry even wants to be a father. Fortunately, Harry’s more than ready to take a step back from the stage for a while to start the family that he’s longed for his entire life.

Warning(s): unplanned pregnancy, nerves, pet names, a brief argument (idek if you could call it an argument tbh), fluffiness, dad!harry

A/N: this is one of the pieces that have been on my mind since i saw the dadathon that @tbslenthusiast is hosting!! Everyone should go read the masterlist of submissions and join if you want to!! Also a warm thank you to @taintedwonder and @sunflowers-styles for beta reading/getting me through writing the whole thing!!! and @havethetimeofyourstyles for listening to me tell her about how i cried writing/editing this (ily jill) !!!!!

Masterlist | Taglist | Request - Guidelines | Come Talk!

Reblogs help a lot and are greatly appreciated!!

There’s absolutely no way that this can be happening.

She stares down at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test and has to hold back the sobs that are threatening to overtake her. How could this be happening? No. This simply just cannot be happening to her.

Except it is. She’s pregnant. She’s carrying the child that she and Harry have created together. The truly awful part though? She doesn’t even know how to feel about it.

Of course, she’s excited. She’s happy. All she has ever wanted is a family with the man that she loves, but she's also nervous. She has no idea how he’s going to react to this. She doesn’t know how any of this is going to work. He’s in the middle of a world tour and she doesn’t even know if he’ll be done by the time she’s due.

Hell, she doesn’t even know when she’s due. She doesn’t know how far along she is and the amount of unknown facts threaten to send her spiraling.

What if he’s mad? What if he doesn’t want the baby? What if she has to do this alone? She doesn’t think she can be a single mother.

There are so many unknowns and there’s no way that she can do this on her own. For the time being, however, she knows she has to figure this out herself. She’s in their house in London while he’s in the States performing to thousands of screaming fans every night. There’s no way that she can drop this news on him in the middle of that chaos.

No, she reminds herself instead that he’ll be home in less than a month and she can tell him then. It’s better to do these things in person anyway.

Fortunately, that also means that she has a few weeks to calm the nerves that are coursing through her entire body. She also has that time to figure out how she’s going to break the news to him. She can’t just come out and say “Oh by the way, hey, I’m pregnant.” Can she?

“I’m pregnant.” The moment the words tumble out of her mouth she hears the excited squeal coming from her mother.

She needed to tell someone about the news, and since Harry wasn’t an option yet, her mother had automatically been her first choice.

“Baby, I’m so happy for you!” She shrieks through the phone and Y/N can see how excited she is even though the FaceTime quality isn’t great. The image of her mother all but jumping up and down from excitement brings a beaming smile to her face. “Does H know yet?”

That question causes Y/N’s smile to falter and her mom immediately catches it. “Why doesn’t he know?”

“Well he’s not here and I didn’t want to tell him on the phone, and I don’t know, really. I just found out the other day and I guess I’m just a little scared.” She’s trying her best to not tear up, and the newfound hormones are not helping the cause, but the lump in her throat is letting her know that she’s not succeeding.

“Why are you scared?” Her mother questions softly, trying to get Y/N to open up about what’s bothering her without pushing too much.

“I’m not sure… just scared he isn’t going to be happy with me.” She’s surprised when her mother audibly scoffs at her words.

“Y/N, sweetheart. If you really think that he’s not going to drop to his knees the moment that you tell him you’re carrying his child, you’re delusional.” She lets out a light chuckle before continuing. “He’s so head over heels in love with you that there’s absolutely no way that he could ever be upset over something like that.”

“Yeah but what if he’s not ready? He said he had wanted to wait a bit.” The tears that she’s trying so desperately to suppress are beginning to pool in her eyes and she wants to kick herself for letting this get to her again.

“Honey, H is the only person I know that is completely, without a doubt, ready to have children.” The first tear rolls down Y/N’s cheek as she observes the way that her mother’s face softens at the mention of Harry being ready to start his family. “Y/N, the moment that you break the news to him, his entire life is going to get a million times better.”

She nods and knows in her heart that she has nothing to worry about. She continues to converse with her mom for a little while longer, moving on from the topic of the pregnancy and Harry. Her mother’s words had calmed her nerves considerably.

After the phone call ends she decides to text Harry; it feels like they haven’t been talking as much recently, and she feels bad, knowing that her nerves have partially been the reason for that.

Hey babe, how’s everything going? Where are you this evening?

His reply comes in an instant, almost as if he had been waiting for her text.

St. Paul :) it’s been pretty great here! The show was great last night! Haven’t really done much lately though, it’s just been hotel room after hotel room and show after show.

The thought of him sitting in his hotel rooms alone, more than likely nursing a drink to calm his post concert adrenaline, makes a frown appear on her face. She knows how he gets when he’s away on tour and has to watch everyone around him pair off and go out to enjoy the city that they’re stopped in. He hasn’t been up for going out as much recently and, despite her efforts, she doesn’t know why. He’s usually always up for going out to let the adrenaline run its course, but every time they’ve talked lately, he’s just been shut away up in his room.

Why don’t you go out and enjoy the city with the band, sweetheart?

Feels wrong to go out without you, angel. Miss you being here with me.

Her heart clenches in her chest and she can’t help but feel guilty. He had asked (more like begged) her to come on the North American leg of the tour with him. She had refused, thinking that she needed to stay at home so she wouldn’t have to take so many days off of work. Looking back on it, she probably could have taken the time off and not had to explain. It was just one of the things that seemed to happen when her boss had found out she was dating Harry Styles.

I’m sorry for not coming with you :( I miss you, though. So, so much.

The awful feeling in her gut doesn’t subside - in fact, it only grows stronger. She suddenly realizes that if she had said yes, she would be with him right now. Not only would she be getting him out of those god forsaken hotel rooms but she also wouldn’t be withholding the life changing information that she has.

It’s alright, love. I’ll see you in a few weeks and then we can be together for a while. No worrying about tour.

The prospect of him being at home for a while, possibly even more than a year, causes excitement to course through her veins. Maybe if he’s home for long enough to where he can start raising their child with her, then he’ll be happier when she tells him the news.

I can’t wait until you’re back in my arms, bubs. I miss cuddling with you.

She can’t see him right now but she knows that - most likely - he’s got that soft smile on his face that he always says is reserved for her. He always does so when he lets himself take a moment and think about cuddling with her.

You’ll get all the cuddles the moment that I’m home. Promise.

Their conversation doesn’t last much longer. With the time zones being so different and the two of them being in different countries, with their sadness eating away at them.

She’s in his arms the moment that he swings the front door open. The force of the surprise impact knocks him back for a moment, but he eventually regains his balance and wraps his arms around her.

She sighs in content at the feeling of warmth radiating from his body to hers. He’s always been warmer than her, but right now, after he’s been gone for months, he feels warmer than all the blankets she’s tried to keep herself cozy with.

“Hey, baby.” He mumbles into her hair, not making any move to pull away or even shut the door.

“I missed you so much.” He can hear the crack in her voice and he immediately squeezes her tighter.

“Missed you too, darling.”

She’s the one to pull away first. She unwraps herself from his arms and moves to shut the door behind him. She avoids meeting his eyes knowing that he’s already sensed that something is going on. She never pulls away first, and she’s afraid that he’s going to notice and ask her about it. Hopefully, he’ll just brush it off as the fact that the door needed to be closed or that dinner still needed to be cooked.

Of course, he doesn’t just brush it off. “Is something bothering you?”

She turns away from him and begins to make her way towards the kitchen. “I’m fine, H.”

“Love, please don’t lie to me.” Her breath hitches and her steps falter. That’s the last thing she wants to do but she knows if she looks at him and tells him what’s really going on inside her head, she’s going to completely crumble.

“I’m not lying to you, honey. I’m fine.” He scoffs at her words. He knows they’re not true, but he chooses not to push her too far. If he continues to pester her about it, she’ll close herself off to him and then there will be absolutely no way that he’ll be able to figure out what’s bugging her.

“Do you want me to cook dinner, petal?” He comes up behind where she had stopped and wraps his arms around her from behind. She immediately leans into him and he knows that all she needs right now is his love.

“I can do it, honey. You’ve been busy lately.” She hesitantly turns in his arms and peers up at him biting her lip.

Now seems like as good of a time as ever to tell him.

“H, can we maybe wait a minute on the food?” She tries her best to not let her voice waiver but she knows there’s a slight wobble that won’t go unnoticed by Harry.

“Yeah, of course.” He keeps his arms wrapped around her and waits for her to make the first move.

She stands still for a few moments, barely moving an inch. She inhales but it’s shaky and she feels the tears bubbling up to the surface before she can stop them. She tucks her head into his chest as the sobs that she’s been holding in for weeks escape.

“Shh. It’s okay, petal. I’ve got you. Just let it out.” He smooths the small wisps of hair on her head and slowly rocks their bodies back and forth. The gestures calm her and soon enough the tears start to subside.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She sighs at his question and he’s scared that he’s crossed a line, that he’s asked too much of her too soon. He knows that he hasn’t, however, when she slowly nods her head and takes a step back.

He releases his hold on her and she wipes the remaining wetness of her cheeks. She glances around the kitchen and Harry gently lifts her up onto the counter so that she won’t have to stay standing.

“Um, so I have to tell you something.” She starts, and she busies herself with picking at her nails to avoid his gaze. “And I don’t want you to be mad, okay?”

She still doesn’t look up at him, but she pauses, giving him the time to answer. After he hums his agreement, she takes a shaky breath and continues. “I didn’t plan for this to happen, I promise. I just… I don’t know… somehow it happened and I just… this is terrifying. And I’m probably making absolutely no sense right now, I’m so sorry.” She can feel the lump in her throat returning yet again and she buries her face in her hands to take a minute to breathe.

Harry hasn’t moved from the spot that he was in. He feels like his feet are stuck to the floor. He can’t come up with a reasonable guess as to what she could possibly be talking about and it’s making him more nervous that being on stage does.

“It’s okay, baby. Take your time.” He doesn’t want her to feel like she has to rush to get the words out.

“Um, so, I know you’re on tour and you have a career that doesn’t slow down for anyone, which is why when I tell you this I want you to know that you don’t have to stick around for it. I can do it on my own, okay?” His stomach drops when she says that, but he doesn’t say anything yet. “I’m… I’m pregnant, H. Like I said, you don’t have to help if you don’t want to, you’re terribly busy, and---

“Y/N why would you even say that?” He tries to hold the harshness back, to not snap at her right now, but the fact that she thinks he wouldn’t want to be completely present in his child’s life makes him see red.

“What do you mean?” She’s suddenly on alert, the tone of his voice taking her completely by surprise.

“How could you even let the thought cross your mind that I wouldn’t want to be around? You know me, love.” He’s trying his hardest to not let his emotions take over because honestly, he’s not entirely sure if he’d start yelling or break down sobbing.

“Harry, you’re a singer. Your entire career is touring the world. Singing is your dream, and there’s no way that I’m going to ask you to give that up.” She didn’t think that he would be offended by her giving him an out, but by the cracking in his voice, it’s clear she’s never said something more hurtful to him.

“Yeah, music is my job, and I love that. But my dream, Y/N, the thing that I want more than anything in this entire world, is you.” His voice catches in his throat and she finally looks up at him. He looks broken, like the things she said, the things she thought would help, really just ripped his heart into shreds.

“H, I really can’t ask you to give that up in any way.” She wants to give in, to say that everything will be fine, that he can take time off of touring if he wants. The rational part of her, however, the part that remembers asking him to give this up to any extent could make him resent her, fights against it.

“Baby, listen to me, please.” He pleads. “You’re not asking me to do anything. Regardless of whether or not you want me in our child’s life… which I pray to the lord that you do, I’m taking time off after the tour. I want to spend time at home, with you, with both of you.” He gently cradles her face in his palms and strokes her cheek with his thumb.

“Are you sure?” She doesn’t want to keep fighting him on it. All she wants is to raise the family that she’s wanted for her entire life with the most extraordinary love.

“Absolutely.” He promises.

He bends slightly so that his face is directly in front of her stomach. “Daddy's going to be here for you and Mommy every step of the way, bub.”

Thank you so much for reading lovelies!!!!! Again, reblog the pieces that you like and don’t be afraid to leave feedback!!

Permanent Taglist - @spidey-reids-2003, @jackiehollanderr, @scarletsoldierrr, @thewayilookatbacon, @parker-barnes-af, @lost-in-the-stars03, @kisses-holland, @josiemara, @god-knows-what-am-i-doing, @fanficscuziranout, @akila-stilinski, @babebenhardy @write-from-the-heart, @slytherinambitious, @miraclesoflove @quaksonhehe, @dummiesshort, @sleepybesson, @sunshine96love, @itstaskeen, @wotamelonsugar, @fallingfordolans, @missleahlin, @urbandcal

Harry Styles Taglist - @alwayshave-faith, @hufflepuff-always-and-forever, @sucker-09 @just-chillin-out-in-me-box, @macksmedicine, @xo-spidey, @theresthingsthatwellneverknow, @shawnieeboyy,

#Zoey Writes #Harry Styles #dadathon #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles smut #harry styles x reader #harry styles writing

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cupidlakes · 3 years ago

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I'm getting kinda worried that George might be feeling like every stream he does needs to be better than the last stream (for the main channel ofc) and the reason why he hasn't been streaming if because he has no idea what to stream? I mean, it's been so long since we've gotten a solo stream from him.

It's like how people comment on Karl always needing someone else on his stream for him to be able to stream and I just wonder if George is starting to go towards that path as well. I really hope that George knows that we would watch him play anything at this point really and he's just as entertaining by himself as he is with others. This is me desperate for a solo stream tbh, I like Dream Team, Sex Havers n Feral Boys dynamics but I feel like when he's on his own, he becomes a bit more open about himself?

Also, yeah I agree with you with the whole editing stuff as well but I also kinda understand George with the whole executive dysfunction. Streaming and editing are both kinda his jobs, it's hard to get another job going when you're stuck with this job that is very overwhelming for you to do that causes you to procrastinate on it and also hinders you from doing anything else as well because you need to finish that one first. Reminds me of when George said how his life qualify does down when he's in his editing arc, gosh so relatable.

I just hope he doesn't push himself too hard. I just want him to feel comfortable streaming whatever and whenever he wants, not everything has to be planned. Yeah, this is me in my missing George arc.

this ask is quite long (although i appreciate it) so my answer is it going to be under the cut!!

i mean yeah basically this, i don’t want to sound repetitive because i think i’ve said this a lot but i do also feel like george is falling into the trap of feeling like he has to put out big! and planned! streams on the gnf twitch channel when before it used to be for whatever (looks like it’s reflecting in his main channel on yt too, like how “go big or go home” the challenges have been feeling recently)

like i guess that’s what his alt is for and i understand the need to have a distinction between “high-effort” content and more lowkey stuff but even that seems like it’s become another burden for george when it comes to: finding stuff to do/play and feeling like he “has to” keep up on donations and gifted subs etc etc. it just makes me think about how at the end of the day some of the most beloved streams among the fandom have been the more lowkey ones or the ones which devolved into chaos naturally and although his planned streams are well-received view-wise and stuff (and his effort is always appreciated, words can’t explain how much i love the cooking stream for example) it isn’t worth seeing our cc missing in action for so long <\3 ppl have pointed out streamers like tubbo, ranboo and tommy have struck a good balance when it comes to delivering a steady stream of both high + “low” effort content both equally enjoyed by their viewers

when people say they’d watch george do anything they /mean it/ not in the “oh he can be lazy and put out any old rubbish and we’d eat it up” but in the fact that seeing him enjoy himself alone or with friends is more than enough, we’re drawn to his personality and whatever he puts out is going to be appealing most of the time! some people even resonate more with chilled out content that’s not so “high-effort” we are here for george not the games he plays or his concepted ideas, it’s him doing whatever, his reactions, his persona, him

i feel like george sometimes “falling” on needing other presences in his streams has more to do with the fact that he’s clearly the most comfortable/energetic among friends and bouncing off them is easier, he’s expressed before that he can’t talk for very long himself unprompted so having other people there must be comfortable but yes, solo streams are very treasured in that he seems more willing to open up when he’s alone and tell rambled stories and it’s just… nice i wish he’d see the appeal in occasional solo streams like when he used to speedrun! because he is actually good at carrying them and creating a good vibe, there’s a reason why so many ppl seem to be asking for one right now

and the editing stuff just makes me sad he should know that he doesn’t have to live like this i know he stubbornly wants to be the one to edit his videos (or dream because he trusts he’ll do them justice) but he should realise that there are ways he can better his quality of life in this aspect even looking into finding ppl willing to edit in a similar fashion and offering the resources to (hence my idea of accepting ppls work and looking through for contenders) or finding more effective ways to edit instead of dedicating all his time to one vid and clearly stressing out about it especially because technically he also works on his own terms? there’s nothing wrong with having set deadlines for yourself and feeling like an upload is due and i’m glad he’s not lazy in that aspect god bless or delivering content generally

but being purely unable to concentrate on anything else because you’re focussed on a single video for two weeks sounds awful

hey these are just my messy thoughts though at the end of the day i also take into account he could be busy with general life stuff i’m just making a commentary on him explaining why he disappears and why it’s so hard for him to edit in that time, hope he’s ok <3 and i hope the vid is a banger though i trust it will be, my cc is a perfectionist!

#asks #super #long post #just wanted to get some final thoughts out before i wrap #this topic up ^^#thank you for the anon :]

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dangermousie · 3 years ago

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CFC 66-67

Since I read them in human translation, I have way more thoughts now.

First of all, I am sorry, the fact that HY has XQC saved in his phone as Stepdad is sending me!

OK, He Yu needs to get a sex manual for dummies. Your partner is not supposed to be in an incredible amount of pain after sex unless that’s his kink. Come on!

Also, my inner OCD is screaming at the - sloshing - or whatever. Ugh pls pls clean up because just reading this gives me full body shudders.

How very XQC that HY saying mushy things is what grossed him out more than sex. Because emotions and XQC don’t mix. But also - I find it interesting that it says HY was saying “shameful and corny sentiments” - whatever they were, a far cry from the stuff he said in the club trying to humiliate XQC. He Yu is the one who’s hooked.

What is his hidden mission? The way it’s written reads as if it’s way beyond just “I take care of the few people I am responsible for.” So curious!

Yikes!!!! Nothing He Yu could ever do to him, nothing He Yu did to him in the club back in 53, could compare to the utter dehumanization XQC performed on himself. No wonder humiliation didn’t destroy him. You can’t destroy someone already dead.

That is so horrifying to me. Finding meaning through other people is fine. Believing there is no point to you otherwise is awful. This is dangerously close to suicidal depression tbh where you think these people won’t miss you if you are gone so might as well end it. Like! They may not need him in terms of money or w/e but they need him emotionally because they love him. OMG.

You are so so so straight!

Ummmm I enjoy sex but I am not in love so I am not gay is...I have no words.

Comparing HY to a groom during wedding night - well that’s telling!

One of the reasons I love Meatbun’s novels is her shous never feel like girls in disguise. They are men. Who happen to be gay.

OMG, He Yu, the delusion is amazing - the fact that he refuses to admit to himself XQC only agreed because he had little choice is such wilful blindness because he can’t bear the alternative. (Also, my inner OCD rears its head and points out that even if they were in mutual love, no excuse for being messy OMG :P)

I love this. I love how XQC does not mince words, that he makes his disdain and his position so clear. And yet HY, unconsciously to himself, persists in trying to force emotional closeness refusing to process that this is driving XQC further and further away.

Heartbreaking for HY (I love Meatbun for making me pity and loathe him in turns and sometimes at the same time!) but the delusion levels that XQC would do anything but not be gentle and not treat him well under the circumstances is !!!! HY is so messed up.

And this is funny but also sad because this is HY, yet again, trying to desperately change reality where it’s a mutual arrangement, where XQC on some level wants to be there, where he’s giving something back to XQC because in the back of his head he knows how he’s fucked it up and he’s terrified but he also can’t bear to give it up.

#cnovel #case file compendium #meatbun doesn't eat meat

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joel-millerr · 4 years ago

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Kijimi

Chapter One of We Are One When Together (formerly A Mandalorian and a Smuggler)

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 8.5K

Warnings: Reader cauterizes a wound, so read with caution if that makes you uncomfortable

Summary: You've become quite a good spice smuggler. You always managed to evade capture, and now the New Republic is getting desperate. After meeting a friend on Kijimi, you planned to get the hell off that planet quietly, but you've never had to deal with someone like The Mandalorian. // This chapter establishes the reader and is more of an introduction than plot driven tbh

A/N: I’ve never written a second person POV before so pls be gentle. Also, this story takes place after Chapter 12.

You're sitting in a booth at the back of the cantina. Periodically, you take the time to scan your surroundings. There’s a steady flow of individuals coming in and out, therefore it’s hard to keep track of everyone, but you try to monitor their movements anyway. Being in such a crowded area is risky right now, but when Tye asked you to meet him on Kijimi, you couldn’t pass up the opportunity to catch up. Besides, you’re currently on a work hiatus, and now seemed like the perfect time to get back into the spice smuggling game.

It’s not that you wouldn’t have been able to do anything else. You’re quite skillful with your hands because you used to help your father fix ships back on Tatooine. Theoretically, you could have kept doing that for the rest of your days, but there was always a part of you deep down that made you believe you were meant for more important things. Granted, this isn’t exactly what you had in mind, but it is considerably more exhilarating than just cleaning and fixing ships.

It was Tye who first mentioned this “job”. You were busy fixing a T-14 hyperdrive generator that had been destroyed during a dumb gambling game of chicken. Why people would purposely charge at each other in space, you’ll never understand.

Anyway, he knew you were starting to get tired of the same routine every day. He could see it in the way your shoulders slumped while you were working, and how your voice grew tired of talking about re-wiring, and the maintenance of spaceships.

Ever since you were a child, your father had taken you with him to work and you loved it. You loved being able to spend time with your father and also learn the ins and outs of any spaceship. You could probably take a whole ship apart and put it back together in less than a week, but ever since your parents died, the work became mundane and repetitive. You no longer enjoyed doing the work. You did it just to get by.

“It’s a fairly easy job,” He started to say. You were sitting with your legs crossed, hyperdrive in your lap, rewiring the chunk of metal. “We meet the manufacturer on Kijmi and then come back to Tatooine and bring it to the client.”

“I don’t know, Tye,” You craved adventure, but your friend had a bad habit of getting into trouble. Unlike you, he didn’t have a steady job. Instead, he took whatever was offered to him, no matter how legit it was. You were usually the voice of reason and tried your best to get him on a straight path, but his spirit always craved danger, and while you fantasized about going on epic adventures, you tried to keep it on the legal sides of things.

Tye laid a hand on your shoulder, and in turn you looked up at him. His eyes were gentle, inviting and trusting. More often than not, you attempted your best to avoid his gaze whenever he tried to reel you into something because you knew as soon as you’d look at him, your walls would come crumbling down and whatever he asked you to do would get done. You crossed your left arm over your torso, placed your hand over his, and let a deep breath escape your lips.

“What are we transporting?” You asked, rising to your feet to look at him properly.

He hesitated to answer. Biting down on his bottom lip, his eyes broke contact and shifted down to his feet.

“Tye?” You inquired, leaning down to try to catch his eyes again.

“Uh…” His hand began rubbing the nape of his neck. You came to the conclusion by his behavior that this job wasn’t going to be something along the lines of transporting pieces of scrap metal and he knew you very rarely took on an illegal job. You had done maybe one or two over the years but if you could avoid it, you tried to keep your employment on the side that wouldn’t get your ass thrown in a cell.

“What’s the transport, Tye?” Your voice was more stern this time. This seemed to snap his mind back into reality and he finally met your eyes.

“Spice,” His voice was barely above a whisper and if you weren’t entirely focusing on his tone, you wouldn’t have heard him at all. Your muscles went rigid and you swallowed the lump in your throat you didn’t know was there. Once the empire fell, the New Republic had the impossible task of trying to keep the peace as well as police the entire galaxy, and wherever they were unable to properly govern, spice runners thrived. You had heard stories about spice runners. How every single one was a highly wanted criminal but were almost impossible to find. They worked quietly and discreetly and were able to smuggle spice on pretty much every corner of the galaxy.

“It’s foolproof. They supply the ship and give the location. All we have to do is meet the supplier on Kijimi and then bring the product back here. It’s simple enough,”

You began shaking your head immediately. The risk of getting caught was too high, and spice running was a hard limit for you.

“No, I can’t. What you’re asking is insane, Tye. Spice running?” You emphasized the last two words to make sure you heard him clearly.

“I wouldn’t have offered it to you unless I was absolutely sure nothing bad would happen.” Tye reached out and gently pressed his palm to your elbow, begging you to hear him out. “I can see you don’t love doing this anymore. Ever since your parents passed, I could see the passion disappear. It’s completely drained out of you. We do this one job and then you can go back to fixing hyperdrives in this kriffing hangar.” He waved his arms around the store. “Don’t you want to see what else is out there?”

You opened your mouth to protest but the words never came. He was right. Since you were a child, you dreamed of leaving Tatooine. You were tired of the sand, of the heat, of the kriffing dryness that was always eating at your skin. You dreamed of worlds where lush green ran rampant. Trees that grew so high you couldn’t make out the top. Grass that would tickle your hips as you travelled through it. Clean, fresh oxygen instead of the dry, dirty air you had grown accustomed to here. You had heard stories from travelers whose ships you’d fix about waterfalls, lakes, beaches. A large body of water? All these things you couldn’t even fathom. How beautiful must it be to live on a planet where water wasn’t fucking scarce. What did an actual shower feel like? Not some sonic shower that merely got you sterile enough to do about your daily business, but an actual shower, with water.

So yeah, you wanted to get the fuck off of Tatooine, but was this really the only option you had?

Tye could sense your apprehensiveness, but he knew the idea was tempting. Closing the gap between you, he wrapped his arms around your body. He was much larger than you, and you almost disappeared in his embrace. Taking a deep breath in his chest, you let yourself imagine a better life.

A life where you got to visit new worlds, encounter people from different walks of life, an existence where you truly got to experience the greatest things the galaxy had to offer. As a child, you’d lie in your cot and wish for an extraordinary life. One you could recount to your kids with awe, not wasting your years away on a desert planet that no longer had anything to give you. When your family passed away, you worked yourself to the bone, trying to lose yourself in repairing ships. You wished someone; anyone, would help you escape off this godforsaken wasteland one day.

You’d regret not taking the risk, you thought to yourself.

Before you knew the words had slipped from your lips, you were agreeing to the job.

You’ve been a spice runner ever since, and you were pretty damn good at your job too. Since your frame was relatively small, it was easy for you to slip in and out of towns without ever being seen, and because you had been working on crafts your whole life, you had become pretty good at flying them too. You had made an impressive name for yourself. Even if you had someone on your tail, you were always able to lose them once you left the port. Your movements were sharp as a tack and was always thinking one step ahead. It enabled you to outrun any hunter or whatever sad, inexperienced New Republic officer that tried to snag you. When you first joined, all your runs were with Tye, but soon after getting accustomed to how runs operated, you were able to go solo. After realizing how much quicker the job went by without having to rely on another person, you became a strict lone wolf. On your own, you could take higher risks, and that made the thrill of the job even more exhilarating. You had become quite the adrenaline junkie, taking some chances even your fellow smugglers would find questionable.

On one job, you were purposely sloppy and let some officers tail you right up to the moment you fought them off in your ship just because of the way the blood in your veins fired through your body. The threat of being caught ignited every nerve-ending in your body, and you constantly chased that feeling.

You were staying on a quiet, uneventful planet when you had gotten a hologram from Tye asking to meet you on Kijimi. “For old time’s sake” he said. Since you had no other run lined up, you figured it was a good time to meet him. It had been a couple months since you last saw him, and now seemed like the perfect time to catch up. Maybe he had a job in mind, too.

The life of a spice runner typically wasn’t very long. It was a physically exhausting profession, and often times a spice runner would get captured by either a bounty hunter or an officer of the New Republic, or die at the hands of a rival smuggler. You knew your days as a runner was limited, so you made sure to have the time of your life while you had the opportunity.

Lately though, a lot of your peers were getting caught by some highly skilled hunter. Whoever it was had managed to trap four of your closest counterparts and you were on high alert. No one had ever been able to snatch that many smugglers in such a short period of time, and your particular crew was starting to get anxious. The runs were beginning to get more sporadic, and spending more time underground, only going out when absolutely necessary, hence the reason you were camping out on lightly populated planet. Technically, you shouldn’t even be in this cantina right now. You should be laying low, waiting for the right moment to jump back into action, but because you now have a taste for the wilder things in life, you take the chance anyway. Plus, if Tye is still walking around then it couldn’t be that bad. He had become a lot more cautious than you, so you’re not all that worried.

You continue to keep your head down, only peering up whenever you hear the door opening. From the corner of your eye, you catch the glimpse of a dark maroon shape coming through the door. Tye. He preferred to wear dark colors, as not to draw any attention to himself. Tonight, he’s wearing a dark maroon jumpsuit, a long-ranged rifle strapped around his back. You—on the other hand, believed hiding in plain sight. You tended to wear neutral, earthy colors. It permitted you to blend in with your surroundings. Every run, you’d switch your uniform according to the conditions of the planet. White for cold environments, dark clothes for desolate, bleak planets, and so on.

He stands in the doorway of the cantina, taking a scan of the bar. He knows you usually like to sit in the back so that you have eyes on everyone that comes and goes, and it doesn’t take long for him to spot you. He walks over to your booth with a kind of swagger you’ve grown to love about him. He’s a pretty confident man, without being cocky. The way he carries himself has always fascinated you. His shoulders are always back, arms swaying at his sides, never looking down. He takes long strides as he saunters over to where you’re sitting. As you both have grown, he also has become a pretty well-respected member of your crew and he exudes that in his every step.

You scoot out of your booth to meet him as he gets closer to your table. Big toothy smiles are exchanged between the two of you and he just about runs to close the space between you. His large arms quickly pull you to his chest and all the air nearly punches right out of your lungs. He actually lifts you a couple inches off the ground in your embrace.

“Tye! I have a reputation over here. You can’t just pick me up like that,” However, you’re unable to hide the joy in your tone. You’ve missed him more than you realized. Yeah, you prefer doing jobs alone, but sometimes the solitude can get the best of you. Having someone to banter with, play sabacc with—you miss it, but you both have very different ways of transporting the product, so you know the days of you working together are long gone.

Tye finally lets you down and you both slide into the booth, sitting opposite of each other. You still have a clear view of the door.

“You couldn’t have picked a better shithole to meet?” You remark.

It’s not that Kijimi was a total shithole, it’s just that it was the biggest shithole of a planet you could ever set foot on. The weather was brutal, the people even more so. The New Republic wasn’t able to control the crime here, so criminal activity ran rampant here. Luckily, the main interest in the city was spice smuggling so you had the respect of most of the local spice lords, but there was always the threat of some travelers who couldn’t care less who you were or how important you were to come after you; to kill without mercy and take your corpse to the New Republic. Therefore, you tried to limit your visits unless they were absolutely necessary.

“I figured since we haven’t been together on Kijimi in a while, it might be worth the visit,” Tye answers honestly. Lifting a hand to the bartender behind the bar, they rushed over holding an empty cup in one hand a jug of bright blue liquid in the other. They place the jug between the both of you. Tye reaches into his pockets and places come credits on the table, giving the tender a small nod before they excuse themselves, grabbing the credits and stuffing them in a small bag that was tied to their waist.

“How nostalgic of you,” You mock, lighthearted enough for it to make him chuckle.

Despite trying to keep your mind focused on Tye, part of you is still observing the door behind him. In the short time you’ve been smuggling, not only had your reputation amongst other smugglers grown, but so had the price on your head. The last few jobs had been particularly difficult. Not only were you trying to fight off New Republic officers, but several bounty hunters had been tracking you. Apparently, you had become a huge pain in the ass. Unfortunately for them, that just made the game way more interesting, and honestly it really fueled your ego.

“Any news on the next run?” You inquire. It had been a few weeks since you last had a contract, and the itch for adventure was starting to get under your skin.

Tye’s eyebrows furrow. He looks at you quizzically. “I didn’t ask you to meet you to tell you about another run. I just wanted to see my best friend.”

“Oh come on. There’s always another job. Always someone who needs spice and someone who wants to get rid of it.”

He looks at you like he doesn’t know you. Leaning back in his seat, he begins shaking his head in disbelief.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” You can feel beads of anger building deep inside you. He was the one that got you into this, and now he has the audacity to look at you like he doesn’t know you?

“You’ve changed.”

You scoff and let out a laugh, a laugh that drips with irritation. “Of course I’ve changed, Tye. Did you really think I was going to stay the doe-eyed girl you met on Tatooine?”

Tye reaches over and pours spotchka in both cups before taking his and throwing his head back to swallow every bit of it. “No,” He begins to say, using the back of his tunic to wipe his mouth clean. “I think those two young kids who grew up on Tatooine are long gone.”

Your lips form into a firm line, not entirely sure how to respond without sounding too cynical.

“I’ve heard stories, you know.”

“Oh have you, now?” Your eyebrow raises, and elbows firmly plant on the tabletop. The joy seems to drain from his face. Smile disappearing, and his eyes begin wandering, looking everywhere but into yours. Curiosity is starting to get the best of you, your eyes squinting and burning into him. Testing to see how he reacts; you push him again. “And what have you heard, Tye?”

Green eyes still refusing to meet yours, he’s busy eyeing his fingers that are fidgeting on the piece of wood that separates you. “That you’re becoming too reckless,” His voice is steady, but much lower than his usual tone. “You’re taking too many risks and causing problems where there doesn’t have to be.”

Your hard expression scorches into him. He starts squirming in his seat. Back on Tatooine, it would have been the other way around: you succumbing to his will, but now you’re the one with authority.

“Look,” He says, leaning in towards you. “I’m not gonna sit here and tell you how to do the job. I know you’re good at it.” There’s regret in his voice. It hasn’t gone unnoticed how he looks at you occasionally, almost like he’s ashamed of what he’s done to you. If it wasn’t for that day, you wouldn’t have turned out the way you have. You think he wants to take it all back. Wishing that you stayed some nobody who lived their life fixing and repairing shit.

“But I’m told you have a high bounty on your head. Maybe it’s best if you continue to lay low for a while. Just until the heat cools down.”

You chew on your bottom lip, and your body relaxes into the booth behind you. Deep down you know he’s right. He just wants for you to be safe and admittedly, the way you’ve been acting lately is as if you think you’re invincible. You chase the thrill and the danger but it’s just making everyday life so much harder. Some merchants are too scared to sell to you, locals steer clear of you, and those who aren’t scared get too confident and try to pick fights with you. Despite your size, you’re able to carry your own surprisingly well during a fight. You don’t quite understand it yourself. Each time you’ve had to defend yourself, there was an energy you conjured that came from deep inside you that helped you manipulate your opponent. This energy allowed you to levitate objects or people in mid-air, assisted you to kill them without ever touching them, or even influence them to say and do what you wanted them to.

It was after a late night of sabacc. You were on your way back to your ship when three male figures blocked your path in a nearby alley. Three blasters pointed directly at you.

“Can’t let you pass, sweetheart.” One of them sneered.

Bounty hunters.

One hand slowly glided to the blaster strapped to your upper thigh, the other extending in front of you. “Okay, fellas. I’m sure we can make a deal here.”

“Don’t try that shit with us. You couldn’t possibly come close to the price the Republic is offering.” The man in the middle—a Twi’ you realize, warned.

“The bounty asks to bring you in alive, so let’s not compromise that, okay sweetheart?”

Adrenaline and wrath were starting to seep into your muscles. If there’s one thing you hated, it was chauvinistic men calling you ‘sweetheart’.

“Call me sweetheart again, and it’ll be the last thing you ever say.”

All three men’s cackle echoed through the stone walls.

“I’d hate to ruin a pretty hair on that head, but if you’re going to act like a little bitch then maybe—”

Cutting him off, one of their blasters wiggled out of their reach and smacked the first hunter right in the face before he could finish his threat, blood spraying from his mouth. Your blaster found its way into your hand, raising it to strike him straight in the chest. Simultaneously, your left hand targeted the second assailant’s throat, your hands violently gripping around the pressure of his neck. The hunter attempted to scream, his hands wrapping around his throat as your grip tightened. Fire consumed you, and as your grip on the man’s throat intensified, his body started to lift off the ground. The Twi’ eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets; horror plastered on his face.

“What the fuck are you?!” The Twi’s voice bellowed, spitting as he charged at you, a vibroblade in each hand. Your eyes shifted to him coming right at you with pure fury in his eyes.

“Come here, you little bitch!” He roared.

You let your hold of his partner relax slightly, then your arm swung to the right, forcing the hunter to lift completely off the ground. Once he became jelly in your grasp, you launch him towards the Twi. Both men slammed into the concrete wall next to them. You heard the sound of skull making contact with the cement, then watched them fall to the ground hard. The Twi cried out, “Please don’t!” but you blasted him right between the eyes before he could say anything else.

You stood there, chest heaving. Your eyes examined the men in front of you, not fully understanding how you were able to fight them off. You were outnumbered and they were much larger than you were. Holding out your hands, you stared down at your palms. Squeezing your eyes shut, you tried to focus on the power that expelled from your fingertips. Where did it come from? How do you control it? What was happening to you?

You had never felt such power before. For a moment, you were no longer in control of your movements. In that split second where you gave into that rage, it bended you to its will, driving you to do cause more harm than necessary. This voice inside of you wanted them to hurt, for them to suffer, and you couldn’t resist it.

Tye repeatedly calling you brings you back to the present. “You okay?”

Shaking your head, the corner of your mouth curls into a smile. “Fine.”

The rest of the evening is much more lighthearted. After the initial awkward tension between the two of you, you’re able to enjoy a couple drinks of spotchka and reminisce about old times. You’ve definitely missed his company. Tye is the closest thing you have to family and you cherish him deeply. Your energies mesh together so well, and you have to admit, sometimes you daydream about settling down together, living on a quiet planet and drinking spotchka for the rest of your days until you’re finally arrested. Those are quickly replaced by reality, because the reality is, it’s just not attainable anymore.

The cantina never empties, no matter what time of day it is, and given that there aren’t any windows, you have no clue as to what time it is anymore. You came in just as the sun was setting—what little sun is even offered on Kijimi. It’s easily been a couple hours since then, and you begin to feel the fatigue creeping up on you.

“Where are you staying?” You ask, stretching your arms and your back as much as you can in the booth.

“I have a place not too far from here. It’s tiny, but it’s not like I spend enough time on this planet to need anything bigger. You can stay with me for the night, if you want?”

“That’s okay,” You start to say, shaking your head. “I’m probably going to leave first thing in the morning anyway. I don’t like to linger.”

Tye’s head bobs a few times. “Sure. I have a couple things I need to take care of here before I can leave.”

You cock your head to the left. What could he possibly have to do? You don’t ask though. It’s a common thing for smugglers not to ask questions. Staying in the dark about your crew’s whereabouts and jobs make it easy not to catch too many folks in the same squad. It’s how smugglers have been able to evade capture. If one person is snatched in a team, it’s almost impossible to catch another because chances are, they have no idea what anyone else is up to.

“I should probably head back to my ship then,”

After announcing your leave, you both shimmy out of the booth and rise to your feet. Tye is the first to move into your body and wrap his biceps around your entire torso. Quickly, your arms find their way around his back and you allow yourself to sink into his body. You’ve missed the warmth of another person. For a second, you allow yourself to be vulnerable and really appreciate the physical intimacy. Tye’s the one who finally breaks the embrace, but he keeps you at arm’s length, both hands squeezing your shoulders. Yours drop at your sides and you can’t stop the grin that forms on your lips.

“Sometimes I can hardly believe we used to be a bunch of nobodies on Tatooine,” He says. Before you can come up with a snarky remark, he leans in and presses a gentle kiss to your forehead.

“Bye, kiddo.” Slapping some credits on the table, he turns on his heel and heads to the door. “You’re not even a year older!” You shout, and you’re not entirely sure he hears you given the amount of noise in the cantina, but you see his shoulders bounce, so you assume he heard you. You linger for a couple minutes, finishing off the remaining spotchka on the table. Once you’ve downed the final drop, you thank the bartender for their kind service, toss them some coins and head out the door.

It’s in the late hours when the cold Kijimi winds hit your face. The freezing air is a drastic change from the heat of the cantina and the cold immediately sends chills down your spine. Pulling your hood over your head, you cross your arms across your chest, trying to conserve a little bit of heat. The streets are dimly lit and dirty with mud and snow. It’s a long, dangerous trek back to your ship, so you keep your head down but still keeping an eye out for any potential mercenary or hunter who might want that pretty bounty on your head. Keeping your hand close to the blaster strapped to your thigh, you dart through stone made arches, and small huts. Instead of taking the straight route, you opt to zig-zag through the city, knowing it would be more difficult to track your footsteps this way. It takes more time, but you know this is the safer way to go.

The cold is starting to really get to you, now. Despite wearing gloves, the tips of your fingers are starting to go numb and you thank the Maker once you catch a glimpse of your ship not too far into the distance. You fight the urge to walk straight towards it, instead listening to your gut. You come to an alley, lit only by a small streetlight that’s flickering slowly.

“I can’t wait to get off this shithole of a planet,” You whisper to yourself.

Just as you turn the corner of the alley, you suddenly feel a presence behind you. The adrenaline pumps through your veins, causing your heart to pulse quicker than you’ve felt in a long time. Any sound person would be afraid, knowing they were in for a bout, but not you. No, you chase this feeling on your runs. This is when you thrive.

You stand tall, straightening your shoulders and slowly turn to where you assume the figure is behind you. At the end of the alley, you see the shape of a man—what you think is a man, anyway. The light bounces off the blob in front of you, and realize they’re covered almost head-to-toe in shiny armor. A droid?

“Can I help you?” You question. Your hand rests directly over your blaster, slowly flicking the safety off.

The mystery man/droid doesn’t say anything. He stands completely still, and for the first time in a long time, panic prods at you. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you take a deep breath, hoping it’ll calm the nerves in your stomach.

“Can I help you?” You say through gritted teeth.

Again, you hear nothing.

You stand your ground, refusing to run from the figure. You’ve never been one to run from a fight, and you’re not about to start now. “I’m going to give you one more chance to tell me who the hell you are before I blast you on your ass.” Your voice is stern, now becoming more annoyed with the fact that they haven’t said anything. What the hell is this thing’s problem?

The figured dressed in armor takes a small step forward and finally speaks. “I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold,” His voice comes out low, but is nothing short of terrifying.

You suddenly realize who stands fifteen feet in front of you. It’s him. The hunter who’s created quite the name for himself. The bounty hunter who almost every smuggler has grown to fear. The one who never lets a bounty get away.

The Mandalorian.

As much as you are terrified right now, you can’t help but let a little bit of pride consume you. For the New Republic to have him come after you, it means they’ve gotten desperate. It also means they see you as a threat, and that makes you feel good. So good in fact, that you accidentally let a chuckle escape you.

“How much are they paying you?”

No answer.

You know he’s going to blast you any moment, and you’re trying to buy yourself some time.

“Oh come on. If I’m gonna go down, I should at least know how much I’m worth, don’t you think?”

Your ship is a quick sprint away (if you go straight ahead) but you’re not stupid enough to do that. He’s probably none the wiser and thinks you would, so you have that advantage. Instead, you know running to your left is the safer option. Even though there’s no actual street to your left, you did notice a split in the foundation just big enough for your body to slide through and make it to the next adjacent path, but you’ll need to do it quick. You gauge your assailant’s body language. He’s standing with his legs shoulder-width apart and you think you see his hand resting on his blaster, but you can’t be sure. You do catch the shadow of a rifle strapped to his back, and you know that that armor looks expensive which means it’s probably beskar, which unfortunately for you is basically indestructible. No amount of blasts will penetrate that armor.

Thinking impulsively, you grab the blaster out of your holster and shoot the light, hoping he’ll struggle to find your shape in the dark and praying to the Maker that it’ll give you enough time to wiggle through the stone walls. You sprint for the wall and see blaster fire shoot passed your head. Fuck, he must have night-vision with that helmet.

You manage to squeeze through the crack and end up on the other side. Most likely he’d come by the right, so you avoid that side entirely. Breaking into a sprint, you run down the cobblestoned road. It’s horribly uneven and you trip a few times, but always manage to recover without actually falling. The air cuts at your face and makes it harder to breathe but you persevere. If you were to stop, even for a moment, you risk getting caught. Your mind is running a million miles a minute, trying not to look back but also trying to imagine the more tactical way to capture you. Before you can think of your next move, the door to a hut opens and someone seizes your left arm and pulls you into the house with such force, it almost feels like your arm was ripped right out of its socket. The door shuts behind you immediately but before you can make a sound, Tye’s hand comes to cover your mind.

“Shh,” he warns, pressing a finger from his free hand to his lips.

You nod and he releases the grip he had over your mouth.

Tye crouches near the window by the door, checking to see if the hunter is out there.

“I can’t see him,” He says, turning his gaze towards you. You move from the doorway and crouch next to him by the window. Both of you continue to scan the street, looking for any sign of the attacker.

After a few minutes of looking with no luck, you conclude that he’s lost you. You retreat from the window to examine the room. It’s tiny, the bed almost immediately to your left and you wonder how anyone could possibly sleep there. The door is just a few feet away and you can assume the cold penetrates the door easily enough. Sleeping there must be miserable. The only source of light emanates from a few candles scattered throughout the room.

“This is my place,” Tye explains before you can ask. “It’s not much but it’s better than sleeping in one of the taverns.” He passes you and lowers himself in an armchair, rubbing the palms of his hands against his face.

“How did you know?”

“Call it intuition.”

The adrenaline is slowly wearing off and now you feel an ache in your bicep. You look down and notice a section of your coat has been ripped right off. Then you notice blood, a lot of it.

“Maker!” Tye all but jumps right out of his seat and rushes to your side. Gently grabbing your elbow, he inspects your wound. It’s pretty deep and will need to be cauterized.

Realizing it at the same time, your eyes meet. “Just do it.” You whisper to break the silence.

“I can use bacta spray instead. It’ll hurt less,” He says, before turning towards the cupboards, rummaging through the shelves and tossing whatever he can find, on the ground. You carefully remove your coat without touching the gash on your arm.

“Bacta spray will hard to find at this hour,” Your voice is barely above a whisper. The pain is starting to disorient you, and you manage to sit down on the bed before collapsing. “Just do it, Tye.”

Your friend stops searching for the spray, and he’s quickly by your side again with a clean cloth. He begins wiping the blood away. It stings and you swear under your breath.

“If you think this hurts…” His voice trails off. Yeah, you both know cauterizing it will hurt even more.

Trying to lighten the tension, you force a laugh. “Don’t worry. I’m a big girl, I can handle it.”

It’s true. You’ve broken bones and you’ve been hit a lot worse. If you ever manage to successfully make a run without injuring yourself, it’s a miracle. This is nothing new.

Tye leaves your side to warm up his vibroblade on one of the candles nearby. Once the blade is steaming, he returns to you. He holds out the blade, and you take it from his hand. Releasing a deep breath, you hold the blade to your arm and press it into your flesh. It sizzles and smells awful. Tye squeezes his eyes shut, like he thinks it’ll stop the whole ordeal. You stifle down the scream that desperately tries to come to the surface, and groan instead. Pressing the blade to your skin in short bursts, the blood slowly stops spewing and the pain from the actual blast begins to subside. Once the sting begins to slow, you drop the blade on the ground. Tye’s eyebrows relax as he inspects your skin.

“You should still put some bacta spray on that, to avoid getting it infected.”

Nodding slowly, you let out another deep breath through your lips. “I have some on my ship. I’ll head out in the morning and hopefully get to it before metal man out there can get me.” You try to be lighthearted with a joke. Tye either doesn’t catch it or think it’s funny because he’s shaking his head at you. He meets your eyes and whispers your name. “Having a Mandalorian after you is serious business. Those guys don’t fuck around.”

You sit up straight and look at his defensively. “Yeah, I know Tye.”

“Do you? Because you’re still making jokes. Do you know that Mandalorians are like the best killers in the galaxy?”

That sends daggers through your entire body. You rise to your feet, slowly until you’re almost towering over him. “I’m well aware of their abilities, Tye.”

“Why do I get the feeling that this is just a giant ego boost for you?”

That you actually scoff at. “Kriff…” Taking a step away from him, your hands rest on your hips. “Am I a little proud that they had to get a Mandalorian to arrest me? Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to act reckless and change my tacti-“

“But you are reckless!” Tye pushes against his knees to stand eye level with you. “You always do this. This is why no one wants to work with you!”

Your eyes widen, mouth dropping. “I don’t want to work with anyone because they slow me down!”

Immediately, your friend’s shaking his head. “No, that’s not why. Everyone’s deemed you too dangerous to actually work with. It’s a miracle you haven’t been caught yet.”

You try to interject but Tye holds a hand up to stop you. “I’m not done. Yeah, you’re good at smuggling, probably one of the best, but at what cost? Where’s the girl that was gentle, kind? Where’s that girl who would fix ships with her dad and play in the sand dunes with me? That girl who nursed an injured womp rat back to health because you saw some stupid kids shoot at it? Where did my best friend go?”

The laugh that erupts in the room is anything but joyful. It’s resentful, it’s anger. Your best friend stands inches away from your face, insulting who you are. Who he essentially created.

“She grew up, Tye! My parents died and left me all alone on a planet that shouldn’t even exist. I had no choice. You think a ‘gentle, kind’ girl can survive in this galaxy?”

Tye’s fists ball up at his sides. “I miss that girl. Who you are now, it’s not who I remember. This job has tainted you.”

“Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you dragged me into this world five years ago!”

“Don’t do that…” His shoulders drop, his head hanging in defeat.

“I love you Tye, but I can take care of myself. I’m not scared of some Mandalorian. I’m not afraid of anything.” A lie, but you refuse to look weak.

“I know…” He admits, his head still looking at the ground. “That’s the problem.”

A few moments pass in silence. Neither of you try to break the apprehension in the air. You can sense that Tye’s been waiting a long time to admit that. That he doesn’t like what you’ve become, and maybe he’s right. Maybe you do act impulsively, maybe you do put yourself at risk unnecessarily just to fill this void inside of you. A void that’s been eating at you since you were a child, but it’s not something you want to hear right now, or maybe ever.

“I’m heading to my ship.” Grabbing your coat off the cot, you slip into it, groaning as the material slides against your sensitive flesh.

That appears to snap Tye out of his thoughts because he looks right into your eyes.

“Please don’t. He’s probably still out there.”

“Well it’s like you said,” Usually, your voice is soft. You’ve never spoken to Tye with such anger before, but something inside of you now sees him in a different light. You resent him. “I’m too reckless.” You growl.

Tye mouth is agape and it almost looks like tears are forming in the corners of his eyes. He takes a step back like he’s been stabbed, which I guess is true. Your tone said it all.

You both realize at the same time that this is probably the last time you’ll see each other.

Turning on your heel, you head towards the door. “Take care, Tye.” You say over your shoulder before pressing the button to open the entrance. It lifts off the ground and you step out, not even looking at your surroundings before throwing the hood back over your head and heading straight for your ship.

If you want me, come get me, Mandalorian.

You’re not careful about the walk to the ship. You’re not careful passing corners or getting to the port. You’re behaving stupidly on purpose. You want to fight him; you want to prove to everyone and yourself that not even a Mandalorian can catch you. It’s extremely naïve but your blood’s boiling and its currently clouding your judgement. You spot your ship and march towards it, without a damn care in the world. Clicking the button on your bracelet, the ramp opens, and you begin to walk towards the slope. Once your foot touches the metal, you catch a glimpse of something shiny at the very top of the ramp. A sly smile creeps on your lips.

“You know, it’s rude to hijack someone’s ship.” You peer up at him.

The Mandalorian’s tense, with his hand hovering over the blaster strapped to his right thigh. Legs once again spread shoulder width apart, he oozes authority. The metal—beskar, glistening against the moonlight. You fight the submissiveness that begins to creep up on you. You refuse to show him weakness. If you’re gonna get caught, you’re gonna make sure you put up a fight.

Your strides up the ramp get smaller and smaller. Adrenaline fully pumping now through your entire body. You wonder how close he’ll let you get to him before blasting you right off your feet.

“I do have to admit, getting caught by a mandalorian is pretty admirable.” You taunt.

His hand gets closer to the blaster and you think this is your moment. Just as he rips the blaster from its holster and fires at you, your right hand comes up, catching the blast mid-air and deflecting it. It hits one of the cargo boxes and explodes. Before he can fire another shot, the blaster is ripped right out of his hand and goes flying into your palm. As soon as you get both blasters in your hands, a grappling line exits his vambrace and wraps tightly around your ankles, causing you to slightly lose your balance. He pulls hard on the rope and it sends you flying backwards. Your head hits the metal hard, and for a second your vision begins to fog. You blink repeatedly, trying to get your damn vision to clear, but before you can even begin to push yourself to the ground, the Mandalorian is hovering over your body. One leg on each side of your thighs, he leans down and grasps both your wrists with one hand and straps some binds around them. You give it one last ditch effort and try to kick up at him, but his reflexes are surprisingly quick and catches your calf with his free hand.

“Maybe if you stayed with your friend, you might’ve gotten away without me catching you.” He says through the helmet. The baritone of his voice immediately causes your breathing to hitch. Your heart is pounding in your chest and heat begins to form in your stomach.

“Then again,” He begins to say, pulling you to your feet. “because you’re so careless, I’d find you again.”

In any other circumstance, you’d have a sly comment, but right now you can’t even remember how to speak. Once on your feet, you notice just how big he actually is. Sure, the armor might add to his demeanor, but you can’t help but be intimidated now. He towers over you, and you have to strain your neck just to look at him. You try to see his eyes through the ‘T’ of his visor, but it’s too tinted. He loops his forearm around your bound arms and guides you down the ramp.

“I can walk on my own, you know?”

The Mandalorian doesn’t answer. He simply continues to drag you whichever way he wants. As you make your way to his ship, your heart is still hammering in your chest. The way he carries himself, you’ve never seen anything like it. He’s definitely intense, but nothing short of fucking mesmerizing. Most of the hunters you’ve encountered were cruel and mouthy. But the Mandalorian? He barely spoke to you; he didn’t let his any emotion come through. You can outtalk any hunter, but you couldn’t do that with him. He was one step ahead of you, which you have to admit has never happened before.

Once you reach what you assume is his ship, you can’t help but be taken aback by it.

“Whoa, is that a pre-Empire ship? I didn’t think those things still existed.”

He says nothing, as per usual. In the very short time you’ve known the Mandalorian, you noticed he’s a man of few words.

You’ve spent your whole life around ships, but you’ve never seen one quite like this. It’s pretty dated and looks in pretty shit condition, honestly. Several panels are completely dented, and whatever isn’t dented is scratched up badly. You can tell it’s been in a good number of shootouts. It’s a miracle this ship is still operational.

He presses a button on his vambrace, and the ramp opens up, creaking as it lowers to the ground. The Mandalorian lets go of the grip he had on you, and gently pushes you in front of him, instructing you to walk ahead of him. You head up the ship, turning back to look over your shoulder one more time. In that moment, reality hits you. You’ve been caught. You’re going to live the rest of your days in a cell. Actually, with your reputation, you’d be lucky if you get a cell. The New Republic will probably have you sentenced to death. While you didn’t expect to live to an old age, you didn’t think you’d die this young, but it comes with the job description. Everyone’s gonna get it sooner or later, and unfortunately for you, it seems like the former.

You take notice of the three other quarries in carbonite to your right. Heating beating so fast, you’re sure it’ll burst out of your chest, you start babbling.

“Please don’t put me in carbonite,” You plead, turning around to face your captor. He’s already closed the ramp and is busy removing the rifle off his back, placing it back on the wall of the ship. “You already have me in binds, I can’t go anywhere. I won’t cause any more trouble. Just please, no carbonite.”

At first, he doesn’t bother to look at you. He lingers there for a few seconds, probably arguing with himself on the best way to handle you. Your eyes burn into his helmet, praying to the Maker that he’ll give into you. You’re chewing down on your bottom lip so hard, you’re sure you’ll break skin. Eventually, he turns to face you and begins a slow, tantalizing walk towards you. Panic overwhelms you, and you begin to shake your head frantically. Since when did you become such a submissive? Under any other circumstance, you’d be throwing insults, trying to get under his skin, manipulating words in an effort to aggravate them. You might even try to manipulate him into doing what you ask but your brain is shut off. You can barely form a coherent thought. Therefore, you resort to begging and pleading with the Mandalorian.

You can’t stop your body from trembling, and as he reaches to grab your wrist, you shudder at his touch. You swear his glove is on fire because how the hell is it possible that his touch burns into your skin? You keep your head down, not having the strength to meet his visor. You’re crumbling under him, letting him take absolute control of you.

“Up,” is all he says, as he gestures you to the ladder that goes up to the cockpit. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you nod and let him guide you to the ladder. It’s hard to climb with your hands bound but you do your best.

Once you reach the top, you wait for him to catch up. Putting a hand on your lower back, your breathing hitches when he touches you. His hand nearly cover your entire waist and you can’t help but imagine that thick hand wrapped around your throat.

Maker this shouldn’t be turning you on. He captured you.

He guides you into the seat that’s to the right of the pilot, and then sits himself in the pilot’s seat. He begins the take-off sequence, and the ship’s thrusters roar to life. As the ship lifts off the ground, it creaks and makes you shift in your seat. You take one last look at Kijimi as his ship climbs higher and higher into the air, realizing that for the first time ever, you lost.

#the mandalorian x reader #mando x reader #the mandalorian x you #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian #din djarin #Star Wars #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #mando x you #we are one when together #fics

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vaguely-concerned · 4 years ago

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The Mandalorian Chapter 13 rewatch thoughts; the reduced salt edition

or at least I’m trying to be more constructive with the salt in this one let’s goooo

- god I miss the armourer so much. look at how fucking cool she looks, this is the mando design I hunger for so deeply, WHY would you give me boob plates back instead haha

- I will say with the way it’s presented this place feels way too small to be called a city lol (and I think that limited scale hurts how much I’m willing to accept the magistrate as a credible opponent to go toe to toe with ahsoka freaking tano. maybe if we’d seen directly the extent of the magistrate’s power and influence and not just the burned out wasteland that power leaves behind I’d be more on board with it. canonically she’s clearly been extremely rich and influential on a galactic scale, while the aesthetic filoni takes from samurai movies in this has a lot more to do with local warlords and smaller stakes. this is not the only time the adherence to that aesthetic without adapting it for the emotional story at hand or giving it a spin for novelty hurts the episode #hot take. it’s empty homage without quite understanding why the moments you’re emulating work so well in the context of the story they serve.)

this might be because how it’s filmed makes it seem like there’s just one big main street towards the magistrate’s palace, it’s implied to be quite a bit bigger from the establishing shot as the crest comes flying in?

- LOVE the implication that din lets baby play with the silver ball pretty freely while they’re on the ship but sets the (completely sensible tbh) boundary that he can’t bring it with him somewhere outside where he might lose it for good. that seems like reasonable dad-ing, din, well done.

anyway my heart is hurting because that silver ball is like a comfort item for the kid and it’s pretty clear from the very start that he has some kind of understanding of what might happen on this planet and so does NOT want to go out there, but also... that thing is narratively introduced as the baby’s way of saying ‘dad, don’t forget me, don’t go’. it’s what made din go back for him the first time, and that’s a connotation it still has both in the audience’s mind and for the characters. and I need to go cry in a corner for a while be right back

- not for nothing but in this scene of the baby being faced with din and a jedi standing side by side as if to present a choice, din literally has the sun right behind his head like some kind of fucking halo

gee I wonder what the baby’s choice is going to be fsadfjkhasdkjfhs. (he! loves! his dad! so much!!!!!!!)

- I wish they’d done more with the bored punch clock villain, hey-I’m-just-here-for-the-paycheck-man vibe of the guard captain guy and maybe given his nonchalance a bit of a darkly comedic tint, I think it would’ve made a better moment when he’s facing off with din towards the end if he had more... character. make him a bit more of a dark mirror of the soulless gun for hire people have seen din as in the past (and as the magistrate seems to now), do something interesting here. maybe even make it more of a mexican standoff with him holding a gun on an innocent or something so there’s something here for din to lose, it still does the western thing and lets you have that ramping tension you need for when you cut between the sword duel and this. hell, have him actually give up and walk away to show that he doesn’t fucking care about any of this, he did evil for money without any driving passion or conviction behind it, and let din decide if he’ll let him walk away scot free or not after what he’s been part of, that’s a neat subversion of the trope as well! as it stands it’s just so... empty

- baby says ‘mada! mada!’ again when they try to approach the vendor who appears to be serving foodstuffs! so maybe a word he has for food or maybe something like ‘lady person!’? (he says it when frog lady is gone on the ice planet and also as she’s walking into the razor crest for the first time. he did seem more interested in the eggs at that point, sooo lol)

din reacts to him speaking too, he glances down at him <3<3<3

- the baby seems to sense ‘ooof this is scary, time to hide’ on his own before they go into the magistrate’s place, din doesn’t appear to signal anything to him

- there’s a lot of deliberate silence in this episode, but the sound design that gets space away from the music somehow isn’t as immersive to me as it usually is on this show? I have no idea why, though

- ‘a jedi plagues me’ is somehow so fucking funny to me. the tl;dr for a lot of star wars villains through the ages

it also still cracks me up that din is immediately like ‘ma’am you can’t afford me’ fsdhfaskf

- I’m so happy din talks to and reassures the baby when he puts him down in these situations now, I remember being SO SAD when he didn’t back in chapter 7. he’s learning all the time!

- I think we should all be very happy this fight is cut off almost as soon as it begins, because I’m pretty sure ahsoka could kick din’s ass real bad and that would be terrible because I love him (listen din definitely has his moments, but up against a force user for the first time and said force user being one of the most powerful and battle-experienced jedi alive? probably not huh, if he survives that it’s on pure fatherly love and desperation and nothing else)

- this seems to be the baby asking ahsoka to carry him back to be with din (mando certainly seems to be what they’re ‘talking’ about right before) and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen

din’s fingers are also doing the nervous curl-uncurl thing as she puts the baby down, and it remains the sweetest goddamn character tic, he’s adorable

in the long pause after he tells her “he needs your help” he’s sitting SO TENSELY, it’s only when she at least promises to test the kid that he relaxes a bit

baby (well, grogu, but he’s also baby) recognizes yoda’s name and seems to almost ask ahsoka ‘yoda is here???’, and her blink in response is like ‘no, I’m sorry’

- I still deeply dislike how it’s actually done in the episode, it’s so clunky and it annoys me on a craft level, but I do like the overarching thematic narrative of both mando and the baby being on this journey towards specificity and remembering themselves, of reclaiming the particular nuances of an identity that make up a self after a series of traumas have stripped it away from them. at the start of the show neither of them has a name (and din doesn’t even have a face) and they’re basically presented as broad archetypes, The Mandalorian and The Child. and now we’re slowly unearthing things that make them this specific child, grogu, this specific mandalorian, din djarin. it’s rediscovering parts of yourself you might have thought lost as you heal from trauma and I do like that very much, it’s touching and the emotional throughline this show should never lose sight of

- oooooh no baby glances over at din when she asks him to push the stone back ;______________; it’s so awful because you can just tell... he understands that if he does this thing din might leave, but also people have clearly tricked him into using the Force before and given him this traumatized kneejerk association that if he uses it where people can see him Bad things might happen

oh okay so I think din just subtly misunderstands the baby’s appeal to him here, he thinks that look towards him means ‘dad help I don’t understand what’s being asked of me’. I guess he doesn’t have any way of knowing how complicated the baby’s past is with this yet, it’s a good try

- I’ve seen people take ‘he understands’ as baby understanding everything that’s said to him all the time, which is patently not true haha. he understands quite a lot, in the way toddlers actually understand quite a lot of what’s going on around them, even a bit of words spoken to them before they’re especially verbal themselves, but he clearly mixes up his colours still sooo

I also suspect he’s played this game before -- surely that must be one of the most obvious activities the jedi would do with the smallest children, playing Force catch basically? but he still doesn’t trust it, or her. (on the other hand he does trust that din would never hurt or trick him. help me I’m drowning in my own tears)

- personally and from anything else in this show I don’t think din would be this impatient with the baby after hearing, less than half a minute before, that he’s terrified

but hey I’m not the man in the cowboy hat what do I know (yes I’m bitter characterization matters okay lol)

- it’s both funny and so sweet that the same music plays during this father and son playing catch scene as when baby lifted that mudhorn fkdfha

- for my money din reacts exactly perfectly to grogu finally Force pulling the ball -- he’s excited and happy, signalling that this thing doesn’t have to be scary and dangerous and that when shared with the right people it can be a good joyous thing, he moves over to the baby so they can share in this victory and attune, and crucially he doesn’t demand more afterwards, which the baby must have gotten before from some of the assholes who’ve been experimenting on him. it’s just the celebration and satisfaction of having done the thing without demands or threats or any ulterior motives. HIM!!! DAD!!!!

tattoo this straight onto my heart... the way baby cheerfully offers it back to din... sdkjafhksdfhsakdjf

- din breaths out roughly and unevenly through his nose almost like it’s been punched out of him and starts fiddling with the silver ball (which is still his primary tell for anxiety/stress!) when ahsoka says “he’s formed a strong attachment to you” :) listen if I have to know that all of you fuckers are going down with me

- see the thing is... if you don’t know who ahsoka is in pretty deep detail, you might take her at face value here instead of understanding that she’s actually projecting her own feelings and traumas onto this. if you absolutely have to use this character for this part of the show you have to set her up better specifically so someone who’s never seen a single episode of clone wars can grasp the basics of where she is emotionally and what her motives are, so that her role in this story makes sense. as it is it’s sort of a compromise between pleasing old fans (who can do quite a bit of inferring to figure it out) and approaching audiences who don’t know anything, and it falls flat

(for the purposes of this show I aggressively do not care where thrawn is, and so I’m just annoyed when we find out what this was actually all for haha)

- still feel reluctant to discuss too much about ahsoka because of the whole... situation with dawson, but I do like that she lets one of the guards leave after disarming him because he’s cowering and giving up, and that she still has her padawan braid wound into her belt. also I think the effects on her and her outfit are completely fine, my problems with her this episode are all writing craft and real life stuff

- when you get first the jet pack sound, then din coming down kicking that dude in the face, then the mando flute kicking in as he lands properly... the only time the action in this episode made me go ‘fuck YEEEAAAAH’ it’s awesome

- again, just like with the idea of having a samurai/ronin movie standoff and a western standoff at the same time: having the scene be mostly silent except for the almost musical sounds of the light sabers hitting the beskar spear is such a cool concept, and it does not work in action. I don’t know enough about filmmaking to tell you why it doesn’t, but it doesn’t.

there’s also something about... the ahsoka vs. morgan scene apes the deliberately staged, ritualized, exaggerated almost like how you’d perform it in live theatre aspect of the duels in the genre, but in an empty way? why are they acting like this, what’s their relationship to each other, what’s their individual code of honour that makes them let the other person slowly theatrically disrobe before going for them? just plucking the aesthetics out of a tradition and plopping them down in your own thing without thinking about the whys or original context of it leaves it without meaning

(also let morgan express something of her own character other than I Am Evil rather than having ahsoka drop the entire exposition on her. maybe you could have her snarl some illuminating lines while they’re fighting so you get the feeling of the bitterness and brokenness that has fuelled her and burned the woods of this whole planet. in some ways she’s not that unlike din and ahsoka, she lost everything in the clone wars too and was motivated very differently by it than they were, play that up so the situation’s relevant to our protagonists! I’m sorry for all this nitpicking but I HAVE to figure out how this could have been done better for my own sake haha)

- ooooooh the way din says “I can’t accept” when offered the spear is in fact almost an exact echo of when the armourer offers him the signet in chapter 3! I thought it sounded familiar, it’s delivered in such a similar way. huh. din has some Feelings about earning things and when he hasn’t earned something, doesn’t he

- din also cares A LOT about not breaking his word, to the point of being willing to stoop to some quite dishonest methods to avoid giving his word in the first place, and I find it utterly delightful

- baby closing his eyes again after din wakes him like he’s thinking ‘maybe if I don’t wake up dad won’t go’ or even ‘at least this way I won’t know it happened until later, when it’s over’... pure emotional torture :) thank god din’s entire soul is clearly howling in protest and he took the slightest chance ahsoka gave him to not actually go through with it

- so this is the second time we get someone telling din he’s like grogu’s father. well, the armourer gives it more like a command/almost a religious obligation, ‘until it is of age or reunited with its kind you are as its father’, ahsoka is stating what’s obvious at this point but says ‘you are like a father to him’... maybe they’re doing a rule of threes thing and the last time it’s ‘you are his father’ and it sticks?

- anyway din cradling the baby so close to his chest with both arms all the time instead of the more practical way he carries him around in the crook of his arm sometimes... my suffering is deep and endless

#star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian meta

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