#really do not want to go... not bc I don't want the internship (I do) it's just

[e77y]

I am addicted to internship applications

[birbtails]

.

[strawberry-jackalope]

my internship is gonna make my hair fall out from stress, I just know it

[kiranerysismyhero]

imagine a bajoran teenager living on ds9 who's trying to decide what to do with her life and feels compelled to get closer to the Emissary, but gets the sense that Sisko is a little uncomfortable with being approached in that way, and she's a little young to join the bajoran military and try to get stationed under him, so she looks for another pretense to like have a conversation with him or something

and she overhears Jake talking about playing baseball with his dad, and maybe at the temple she overhears Kira talking about going to the holosuites with them for a baseball game, and she gets the sense that baseball is Important

so she gets up her courage and approaches him on the promenade some time when he doesn't seem too busy, like "excuse me Emissary, I wonder if you would allow me to ask a favor of you."

and Sisko tries not to look like he's steeling himself

"I would like to learn about Baseball."

and he gets this big grin. and tells her what day and time to show up to Quark's for the next time he and Jake are gonna play (and ngl maybe part of him is thinking she's closer to Jake's age than Mardah is...)

and like as they're doing warmups, and she's taking things Very Seriously trying to learn the ropes, Sisko makes an offhanded comment about how Cestus III would be the place to be if you really wanted to get immersed in the sport. and of course she takes this a lot more seriously than he meant it. like a direction in life given to her from the Prophets, directly from their Emissary.

so after all of one (1) time playing baseball in a holosuite she approaches Kassidy to learn more about Cestus III and works like a short internship under her to earn passage there. and shows up in like Pike City or someplace like "hi, does anyone around here hire non-federation citizens? i don't care what type of job. also when are baseball tryouts?"

and like after several years spent getting good, bc she approaches the sport with y'know religious devotion, she returns to her people. and starts a training camp on Bajor that's like basically a monastery. like teenagers who want to pursue religious studies but can't sit still long enough to have hope of becoming a ranjen, they get sent to her to learn to practice Baseball

like imagine a young adult with a really elaborate earring and also like the baseball shoes and the short pants tucked into tall socks going "you know, waiting for a sign from the Prophets is a lot like playing left field..."

[blossom-hwa]

.

[sematarygirls]

stop i’m literally so in love with your acc, it’s gorgeous!!!! missed you sm. need to start writing or creating something again tbh but idk what.

anywaysss had this super cool drummer!rafe idea where they’re all like mid-20s and were suspected of murder (maybe a roadie died or an ex bandmate??)

buttt there you are interning with the local police department (aka nancy drew nerd) and go poking around (woah somehow you end up in rafe’s arms what a coincidence). maybe he did it or maybeee he didn’t, who knows. ur just a silly little inter.. right?? unless ofc this wasn’t the first time you met and you both did it together?

anyways do what you wish with this, feel free to let it rot. ur a genius mastermind either way. ily mwahhh

(here’s some drew pics mini moodboard bc why not)

Partners In Crime — Rafe Cameron.

pairing: drummer!rafe x policeintern!reader

summary: your internship at the kildare county sheriff's department proves extremely useful after ex-bandmate of local rock sensation, morphine animals, is found murdered.

warnings: smut! semi-public sex, unprotected p in v, murder, inaccuracies regarding police work

word count: 3.6k words !

a/n: this request is AMAZING omg!! your mind is literally so incredibly brilliant. i am so incredibly jealous. i just want to scoop it out and study it because your plots are always so genius it's insane. also, i got a little freaky with this request. i don't know where it came from, but i hope yall enjoy. side note, i know nothing about police stations or internships beyond what I've seen on tv, so this is most likely very far from anything that would happen in real life.

✶ . ࣪ ׅ   You cursed quietly, swatting a mosquito away from you as your fingers danced along the collection of files, skimming through the box of evidence labeled "Ryder, Elliot". It was July, and the summer was in full swing. the air was thick and heavy, causing a layer of sticky sweat to cling to every inch of your body. The cramped storage room seemed to be at least 10 degrees hotter than the rest of the police station, and it had the added bonus of recycled air that smelled of dust and mildew.

Your gaze flickered between the door and the police report in your hands, readying yourself to be caught any moment now. Technically, you weren't supposed to be looking at anything in this room. You were simply an intern, and as such, your jobs mostly consisted of clerical work like running the front desk, answering phones, and filling out the occasional police report—typically for some misdemeanor offense that they had granted you competent enough to navigate your way around.

On a normal day, you did not have clearance to be in this little room with all the important documents pertaining to cases ranging anywhere from vandalism to first-degree murder. However, on this particular day, you had been instructed to organize and clean the records room, ensuring that everything was dusted off and placed in alphabetical order.

You knew you weren't really supposed to take a peek into any of these boxes, but when you saw the name Elliot Ryder on one of the boxes, you simply couldn't help yourself. It was the biggest case your town had seen in the last decade.

"Local rock legend Morphine Animal's ex-band-mate found murdered" had been splashed across headlines for weeks, each news site ranging from local to national discussing the case and their theories, but surprisingly much of the case had remained a mystery.

Morphine Animals had been practically untouchable ever since they skyrocketed to fame. It was truly fascinating how quickly they went from small-town rockstar wannabes to household names. They became a national sensation practically overnight, and it all started when Elliot Ryder was fired as the band's drummer and replaced by Rafe Cameron.

You remembered it vividly. Elliot went around telling everybody who would listen how he was cheated out of fame. The other three band members had been his childhood best friends. The band was their passion project and they had vowed to do it all together, but then, one night, they just dropped him out of the blue, and Rafe Cameron took his spot.

People couldn't help but wonder if the band's colorful history had anything to do with the murder. The whole situation would've made more sense if Rafe was the one murdered. It would be open and shut. Elliot killed Rafe to get back at him for taking his spot and stealing the fame that was "rightfully" his, but revenge just doesn't quite sit right with the case being turned around.

Rockstar drummer that has it all kills small-town drunk nobody? It just doesn't fit.

You turn your attention back to the police report in hand. You didn't have much time left before someone inevitably needed a file or came to check on you, so you needed to focus, read it, and put everything back where you found it before that happened.

Case Number 0608

Responding Officer: Sheriff Susan Peterkin

On 06/28/2023 at approximately 2100 hours, I responded to a noise complaint at 2971 Shorecrest Drive.

I knocked on the front door, but there was no answer. I announced myself as the police and knocked once more, but again, received no answer. I looked into the window for signs of life, and saw Elliot Ryder laying prone on the living room floor with a pool of blood around him. I immediately radioed for assistance and kicked down the door. I checked his pulse and discovered that Ryder was deceased. While I waited for assistance, I secured the scene. At approximately 2110 hours, Deputy Victor Shoupe, Officer Danielle Lyonne, and Officer Franklin Hewitt arrived on scene. Officers Hewitt and Lyonne canvased the surrounding homes and took their statements to find out if anyone had seen or heard anything. Their individual statements are enclosed. Deputy Shoupe called for the coroner and cordoned off the area while I began assessing the crime scene in a spiral method. Pictures included document the blood patterns and shattered glass discovered at the scene. No murder weapon was discovered.

I instructed Deputy Shoupe to stay at the scene and await the coroner's arrival while I headed back to the station. At approximately 2330 hours, I left the scene.

Your eyebrows furrowed in concentration as you read over the report. You used the back of your hand to wipe the beads of sweat that had formed on your forehead—created from a mix of the unbearable heat and your growing nervousness as the moments ticked by—stopping them from dripping down your skin.

Your gaze darted to the door once again before returning to the files, pulling out a series of pictures that documented the crime scene.

He was found on his stomach, the hair on the back of his head matted with blood. The cause of death was blunt force trauma, and it was very evident from the crime scene photos.

You turned your attention from the photos documenting his body to the ones showing the state his living room had been left in. There was broken glass from a shattered mirror near the front door coating the carpet, and the living room looked like it had been hit by a tornado. Furniture had been turned over, his belongings strewn about in a disorganized fashion. It seemed like whoever had been there was looking for something.

Something in one of the photos caught your eye. It was small, almost imperceptible, but the flash from the camera reflected off something imbeded into the cream colored carpet just beneath the table that Elliot's body was found beside.

Your brows furrowed as you brought the photo closer to your face, squinting to get a better look.

The sound of footsteps approaching made you jump. You quickly folded the picture and shoved it into your pocket before placing the photos and police report back into the box and hauling it onto the shelf.

"Hey, kid," Deputy Shoupe peeked his head inside, the sound of him chewing his gum seemingly reverberating off the walls. You turned, your face flushed, and your heart practically beating out of your chest. You had managed to get everything in order moments before he opened the door.

"Uh, yes, sir?" You cleared your throat, brushing away a strand of hair that had gotten stuck to your sticky forehead.

"Boss lady needs the Ryder files," he informed you, still smacking his gum. The sound filled your ears, somehow louder than the beating of your own heart.

You nodded, swallowing hard as you turned and grabbed the box, the piece of paper in your pocket feeling like it weighed a ton as you carried the heavy box over to him. "Can I ask why?" You worked up the courage to ask, handing him the files, your palms sweaty as you pulled back.

"Just got done interviewing Rafe Cameron," he told you, propping the box under his arm. Your eyes widened a fraction. Why was Sheriff Peterkin reinterviewing him? Was there new evidence to connect him to the murder? "So, she wants to take another look at the evidence."

"Oh," you simply said, the room seeming to grow hotter. "Whew, god, it's hot," you huffed, fanning yourself. "Are you hot?" You asked, clearly not doing well at playing it cool.

"You alright kid?" He asked, quirking an eyebrow curiously at your odd behavior.

"Yeah, I think I'm just gonna step outside and get some air," you nodded, suddenly feeling very suffocated in the stuffy atmosphere.

"Sure, whatever," he shrugged, clearly not all that interested in you or your actions as he turned on his heels to deliver the box to Peterkin.

You hurried down the long, grey corridor, pushing the backdoor open harshly when you arrived at it. Outside wasn't much cooler, but the small, shaded alleyway provided reprieve from the sun's unrelenting rays. You took a few deep breaths, feeling better now that you were breathing fresh, clean air.

"You look like shit," a voice piped up. Your head whipped to the side, eyes finding the source. Rafe Cameron was leaned up against the wall, a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He was wearing a white tank top that clung to him like a second skin. the heat was just as unforgiving on him, his muscles glistening and his hair sticking out in all directions, a few strands clinging to his slick forehead.

"Excuse me," you scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest. Truthfully, you knew you probably did look like shit. You were sweating like a pig, your clothes clinging to you uncomfortably, and after hours of running your hands through it and being subject to intense humidity, your hair was undoubtedly frizzy and wild.

Rafe pushed off the wall, taking one last drag before flicking the cigarette onto the ground and crushing it under his boot. His blue eyes locked onto yours, amusement dancing in them as he approached you. "I'm just sayin'," he drawled, his voice a low rumble.

"Yeah, well, you don't look too hot yourself," you rolled your eyes. It was a lie, of course. Somehow, he even made sweating to death in the sweltering July heat look sexy. It was utterly infuriating.

He grinned, amused at your attempt to insult him, but he could see right through you. "You mad at me or somethin'?" His hand reached out and wrapped around your wrist, his grip sending shivers down your spine.

"You just said I looked like shit," you glared at him. The heat was making you irritable, and it didn't help that his stupid fucking earring—that you'd told him twenty goddamn times to take out—had showed up in a crime scene photo.

Rafe's thumb began to trace circles on the inside of your wrist, his touch sending electric jolts through your body. "C'mon, you know I was just teasing you, baby," he murmured, his voice soft and seductive. He knew how to play your body better than he knew how to play his drums.

You stubbornly pulled away from him, ignoring the way your body reacted to his touch. "You're lucky I got saddled with file room duty, asshole" you gritted out, pulling the picture from your back pocket and shoving it into his muscular chest.

Rafe wore a silver stud in his ear, a staple of his rockstar persona, and that little glimmer of reflected flash in that crime scene photo was that stud, which had fallen out during the murder.

Thankfully, it hadn't been logged into evidence and had been completely overlooked by the bumbling small town crime scene techs, so you only had to take the photo to keep that little piece of incriminating evidence from ever being discovered.

Rafe glanced down at the photo, his expression unchanging as he took it in. He looked back up at you, his eyes narrowing slightly. "You worried about me, babe?" He asked, his voice laced with mockery, but there was a harder edge to it that betrayed his unperturbed demeanor.

"No," you shot back, your brows furrowing in frustration. God, the heat was making you bitchy. "I'm worried about myself. I mean, I covered up your little fuck up perfectly. The last thing I need is for you and your lame ass jewlery to fuck me over."

Rafe's hand snaked out and wrapped around your throat, his grip tight but not painful. He backed you up against the brick wall, his eyes boring into yours. "You think I can't take care of my own shit?" He asked, his voice a low growl. His patience was clearly wearing thinner and thinner by the second. He was already agitated at being ripped away from band practice to do this little song and dance with the police. The last thing he needed was you bitching at him and challenging his capabilites.

"If you could take care of your own shit, you wouldn't have called me in the middle of the night panicking because you fucking killed someone," you retorted, not backing down. You weren't afraid of him in the slightest. You knew what he was capable of, but it didn't scare you. In fact, there was a twisted part of you that liked knowing about his violent side.

Rafe Cameron had been the one to kill Elliot Ryder in cold blood, and he'd called you up moments after because he knew your experience as a police intern would come in handy. You had rushed over and helped him stage the whole thing as a burglary gone wrong. Unfortunately, Rafe hadn't realized his little wardrobe malfunction until it was too late to go back and retrieve it.

His face darkened, his hand tightening around your throat. "I had it handled," he hissed. "Until you showed up and decided to play detective." His other hand reached down, gripping your hip possessively. "You're supposed to be on my side, not throwing my mistakes in my face."

"Then stop making dumb fucking mistakes," you spat, your jaw clenching in annoyance. You could feel your panties growing wetter by the second, which only fueled your frustration toward him. You hated how he could still make you want him even when he was being a complete asshole.

Rafe's face twisted with anger, but beneath it, you saw a flicker of something else—desire. He leaned in close, his breath hot against your lips. "You know, I should just shut you up for good," he muttered, his grip on your throat unyielding.

"Yeah?" You asked, your voice almost taunting. "You gonna kill me, Rafe?" You looked him in the eye, not backing down. "Who's gonna clean up your messes then, huh?"

His expression turned grim, and for a monent, you thought he might actually do it. But, then, without warning, he crushed his mouth to yours in a rough, bruising kiss. His hands tightened further on your hip, pressing against your body and pinning you in place.

He bit down hard on your lip, drawing blood. His tongue darted out, lapping up the blood and soothing the wound as his thumb rubbed over your pulse point, feeling the way your heartbeat quickened with desire. His mouth tasted of nicotine, stale beer, a slight hint of mint, and then the metallic taste of your blood on his tongue. If it were anyone else, you would've recoiled in disgust, but something about him was intoxicating.

He was so close you could feel his bulge pressing into you, and it only made you want him more. You didn't care that you were pressed against a wall in the back alley behind the police precinct, in fact, something about it, the potential thrill of getting caught, turned you on more.

Rafe's hands moved to grip your ass under your skirt, roughly palming the fatty flesh with his rough hands. He broke the kiss, his lips moving to your neck, where he bit down hard enough to leave a mark. "You drive me fucking crazy," he growled.

"Yeah, well you're fucking insufferable," you said breathlessly, tilting your head to the side and threading your fingers into his hair as he continued his assault on your neck.

He grunted in response, his hands squeezing your backside painfully before he pulled away to fumble with his belt, the buckle clanking loudly in the otherwise quiet alley.

As he fiddled with his belt, you took your opportunity to latch your lips onto his neck, the salty taste of his skin mixed with the thin layer of sweat coating him danced on your tongue as you sucked and nipped at the areas you knew would drive him wild.

Rafe's breathing hitched as you marked him, his body stiffening. He finally got his belt undone and his pants unbuttoned, shoving them down just enough to free his hard length.

He gripped your thighs, hoisting you up and pressing you hard against the wall as your legs wrapped around his waist. "Think you need to learn your place," he said darkly, pulling your panties to the side.

With one swift movement, he thrust deep inside you, filling you completely. He held you pinned against the wall, his hips rolling into yours in deep, punishing thrusts. "You're supposed to worship the ground I walk on," he muttered, his voice ragged.

You gasped, your fingers digging into his shoulders as he began to move, his powerful hips snapping back and forth as he pounded into you. His blue eyes, darkened with lust, locked onto yours, watching your face intently.

"Answer me," he demanded, his voice low and menacing. He slowed his pace, his hips rolling leisurely, his thick length stretching you wide. He knew his slow pace was like torture to you. "Tell me you worship me, baby."

"Fuck," you moaned, your face scrunching in a mix of pain and pleasure as the brick wall dug uncomfortably into your back. "I worship you, Rafe."

A smug grin spread across his face at your words, his pace quickening as he continued to slam into you, his hips rolling in that way that always hit that spot inside you, making you practically see stars. "Good girl," he praised, his lips finding yours again.

Your arms snaked around his neck, fingers curling into his hair and tugging slightly as his mouth swallowed your little whimpers and moans.

He released your mouth, his head tilting down to watch where you were joined. He let out a low groan, his body tensing as he watched himself disappear inside of you. "Look at you taking me so well," he gritted out, his pace quickening.

You gasped when you felt his thumb begin rubbing tight circles on your clit, drawing you closer and closer to the edge. "Such a dirty fuckin' girl," he growled. "Letting me fuck you in an alleyway, behind a police station no less." His lewd words only served to heighten your arousal.

His other hand reached up to wrap around your throat, applying just enough pressure to make you dizzy as he continued to pound into you. "I'm going to fill this pretty little cunt with my cum," he snarled, his voice echoing off the brick walls.

His words paired with his grip on your throat and the way he was pounding into you sent you over the edge, your eyes rolling back as you moaned his name.

His hand on your neck tightened possessively as you came apart for him, his own release following shortly after as he felt your walls squeeze down on him, milking his cock. He buried his face against your neck, his breathing hot and ragged against your skin. "That's my girl."

You panted, your head falling back against the brick as you caught your breath, your mind reeling as the weight of what you'd just done crashed over you. It was reckless and stupid to have let that happen, especially behind the police station you worked at. If anyone saw you, it could raise some serious red flags.

Rafe slowly lowered you back to the ground, pressing one last kiss to your swollen lips before tucking himself back into his underwear and pulling his jeans up, refastening his belt. He leaned against the wall beside you, lighting a cigarette as he looked you over with a lazy smirk. "Try not to look so guilty."

"Don't be an asshole," you shot him a sharp look, fixing your skirt and blouse. Now, you had to go back to work and act as if you didn't have a murderer's cum leaking out of you.

Rafe took a long drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke out in a slow stream. He watched you intently, his eyes glinting with amusement as he observed you straighten your hair and adjust your collar, trying to regain some semblance of professionalism. "I'll pick you up after your shift. We've got a few more things to discuss."

"You can't pick me up here," you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

Rafe raised an eyebrow, pushing off from the wall and taking a few slow steps closer to you. "And why not?" he asked, his voice low and dangerous. He knew very well why not, but he wanted to hear you say it.

"Don't play dumb, Rafe," you rolled your eyes. He could be so very infuriating when he wanted to be.

"Say it," he insisted, his voice firm. He took another step closer, towering over you. "Tell me why I can't pick you up here." His hand reached up, his fingers brushing against your cheek in a deceptively gentle touch.

You huffed frustratedly, narrowing your eyes at his insistence. "Because you killed Elliot Ryder, and I'm your fucking accomplice," you relented.

Rafe's hand tightened, gripping your cheeks firmly, his touch bordering on painful as he leaned down, his lips brushing against your ear. "Shhh," he whispered, his voice dark and threatening. "You shouldn't go around saying things like that, baby."

You glared up at him, your annoyance evident in your gaze. Everything always had to be a game with him, and sometimes it utterly maddened you.

Rafe's lips curled into a smirk as he pulled back, his hand falling away from your face. "I'll pick you up around the corner," he said, as if the matter was settled. He took another drag of his cigarette before tossing it to the ground and heading down the alleyway to his car.

You watched him leave, your gaze burning holes into his back for a moment as he retreated before you shook your annoyance away, pulling the back door to the station open and heading back inside.

[kamaluhkhan]

(more info under the cut....)

HER CANINE TEETH IN THE SIDE OF MY NECK (werewolf!vi x vampire slayer!reader)

slightly canon-divergent....basically set during pit fighter!vi arc except in this world we've got vampires!! and werewolves!!!!

so reader is also a pit fighter -- they literally meet for the first time when they're competing underground. the next morning vi wakes up with a wicked hangover in some stranger's apartment and that stranger is you! and your dog! vi doesn't realize this yet but you saved her drunk ass from a vampire anyways, you invite vi to train with you and some other girls and offer to patch her up after fights. she's reluctant but you're persistent ("why're you being nice to me. are you some kind of guardian angel?" "nah. i just have a thing for strays. now hold still unless you want to bleed to death.") so little by little, vi moves away from the whole lone wolf thing; she's still very scared to let people in after what happened with caitlyn, but you're a much needed bit of levity and light in this world of darkness and monsters ("whoever wins the most fights tonight picks up the tab for the bar." "you're on, killer." *later that night* "guess i'll be picking up the tab," you smile, your lip splitting open even more. "i'll still take care of it, angel. lemme take care of you first.") vi maybe has a crush on you that she tries very hard to keep secret bc of who she is.....while you're also head over heels for her and trying to keep the whole vampire slayer thing under wraps....perhaps unsuccessfully, but i don't want to spoil it hehe.

LIKE SOME MISPLACED JOAN OF ARC (spiderverse au)

vi is spider-gwen spider-woman! she's in college, plays drums in a band, has an internship at some lab and spends a lot of her time saving the city but there's the lingering guilt that she couldn't save you (canon event: losing their first love). one day she's fighting some villain and....a portal opens? and she's transported into what seems to be another universe?? she does to her apartment and when she knocks on the door, her heart almost stops -- because you're the one who opens it. turns out in this universe, you're spider-woman, dealing with some demons of your own (two canon events rolled into one: losing their first love and not being able to save the life of a police captain....and your vi was an enforcer). basically you have to work together to get vi back home and fix the multiverse and also keep doing spider-person stuff bc it's new york and the crime never stops (you both admit *to yourselves* that it's nice to have someone to share the responsibility....i have this idea and it's a scene that i wrote in another fic basically vi is taking a shower in your bathroom and you go in to drop off a towel or something but oh no! your roommate needs something and since vi is dead in your universe you can't have anyone see her so you have to hide in the shower with vi and it's....obvi very intimate....like vi needs your help washing her hair or something bc she's got this terrible bruise from being thrown around by doc ock and you're maybe a bit too eager help) anyways you fall for each other through all this chaos even though you both really really don't wanna go through losing the other and it seems like it's inevitable one way or another. but, fuck the universe, right?

[thebearer]

I kinda like the idea that lips reader and him were strictly platonic for a good year or two they were friends. I think lips reader being a education major wouldn’t be going out to frat parties that much because if she gets caught she is fucked. As a education major, it is like well known that you are basically on a blacklist if you are caught drinking at tailgates or holding a drink even, so she wouldn’t be in Lips eyes if you know what I mean? She a beautiful girl and kind girl, but that is not really what Lip is looking for in his hoe college era. But after a few years of friendship, probably when she asked him to help her decorate her first classroom, and they just randomly start noticing the chemistry in a lot of ways but only have sex and don’t talk about the feelings.

i love this concept.

i love the concept that they meet in college, undergrad, and for whatever reason they really hit it off. maybe she covers for lip at the beginning or helps him in some way, and he's like "yes this is a friend".

i also love that concept that she's more reserved. they balance each other out very well. she's serious about her education, and he's... not as much because he's pissing it away. i feel like she'd check him a lot of times, keep him from some of the stupid shit he did. also the idea that she's saving his ass- picking him up from parties, making sure he comes to class, he practically lives at her dorm and campus apartment but it's all platonic.

they really are just friends until shit goes down. amanda, helene, youens, all that and shit hits the fan and he has no one. everyone leaves but her. she gives him a place to stay, helps convince him to go to rehab.

once he gets sober, she's still there. she's always there for him, and lip is confused more than anything. it really is what friends do, but he feels different. feels like he doesn't deserve it, but also like... he's catching feelings.

he's working at the diner and the internship, she's student teaching. as much as he wants to be bitter and angry, like he normally would, he's not because... she deserves it. she didn't party with him all the time, was careful, serious, and she's so good at it. really, she is. he tells her that too.

i feel like she gets a job offer for when she graduates, the school she student taught at wants to keep her on in the next year since she did so well, and that's when things start getting interesting between the two of them. it's like they're joined at the hip, together all the time, and now... something's changed. they start having sex, but it's a "mistake" every time. feelings develop, lip goes off the rails, there's tension bc he won't allow himself to have feelings like that and doesn't want to lose his best friend.

he tries to deny himself, to distance himself bc he can't do this and ruin this, but then he's like... i literally can not live without you and i don't want to (ian heavily influenced this realization bc lip was acting insane and ian had to check him lol). it's slow and a little jagged, but it blossoms into a true relationship. lip finally understands what all those fuckers are talking about when they say "i get to love my best friend" bc that really is her.

maybe i should make this a series lmao. maybe just like little blurbs that are insights to their relationship and life? would you guys be interested in that? making it like a au type sitch?

[class1akids]

could you explain to me bakugou and todorokis friendship bc I don't really understand it.

I imagine bakugou would remind shoto of endeavor which would stear him away. Especially bc at the start it wasn't just talk specifically with deku. And I feel like todoroki of all people would recognize bakugou as a bully . Not to mention what bakugou said to todoroki before the sports festival (and while yes I know deku said the same thing, it pissed todoroki off and todoroki only responded positively when deku said something affirming).

And from bakugous side, todoroki made him insecure bc from bakugous perspective he was effortlessly better than him in every way and we saw with bakugous apology to deku that this feeling never went away. Bakugi was always challenging deku and todoroki only while he was "normal" to the rest of the class b deku and todoroki were the only ones that made him feel threatened. And then when bakugou started changing (the same time endevour did) he realised just how simlliar he is to endeavor and that's who he will become if he doesn't change his mindset. And sharing similaraties to todorokis abuser I can imagine would deter him from that friendship even more as it would enhance his quilt.

Now I will admit I don't understand bakugous character as well as other which is why I maybe struggling to understand this friendship.

You are actually explaining quite well their starting points. Out of everyone in the class, they are definitely not friends at first (well, neither of them have friends at the start and neither of them think they want friends - fools). As they both grow and change, their perspective changes too and it's a bit of a slow burn, but I'd say they are already more or less friends by the end of the remedial classes / start of the Endeavor internship (though Bakugou still furiously denies it), and they are definitely good friends by post-PLF War, when Izuku leaves UA.

As you say, initially Todoroki is someone who shakes Bakugou's confidence and increases his insecurities further by focusing on Izuku rather than him as "rival". While Shouto barely acknowledges Bakugou's existence. Even after Shouto beat Deku, he keeps thinking about him, because he challenged him at the core of his ideals, while Bakugou is unable to reach that part of Shouto yet.

So the SF final happens the way it does - a failure for both of them in a way. Bakugou walks away thinking that Todoroki looks down on him and is angry about it, while Shouto senses that he hurt Bakugou, but he doesn't really know what to do about it.

Things slowly start to change in the Forest arc, with Shouto's clumsy attempts to interact with Bakugou, then them being paired in the fight against Moonfish which gives them more insight into each other. And Shouto being a co-instigator of the Bakugou rescue, their move in the dorm, and quickly they are at the licensing exam which they both fail.

Then the remedial classes start - and while we only saw a single class, this is something they did every week for months, just the two of them, going to that class, having to go through the humiliation together. It's a forced proximity where they first annoy each other, but they also give each other a safe way to work on themselves and on the difficult relationships they need to fix for their own growth.

Bakugou has quite a few similarities with Endeavor, but there are also big differences: there is no power imbalance between them and Bakugou never abused Shouto. In fact, Bakugou's attitude is completely wasted on Shouto - he's never intimated of him. But observing Bakugou, seeing his strong points - like his great battle tactics, perseverance, quirk mastery, ambition - gives Shouto a chance to observe these characteristics his father also has, and disentangle them from it belonging to Endeavor, to seeing their value and seeing them as tools he could use for himself without becoming his father.

On the other side, Bakugou gets to interact with Todoroki, who has a lot of similarities to Izuku. Underneath his blunt demeanour, Shouto is also ridiculously kind to the people who hurt him and most importantly, he's an abuse victim too. He can be both at the same time - insanely strong, someone Bakugou sees as equal, and also someone who is a victim of abuse. And because Bakugou didn't hurt Shouto, interacting with him, trying out his little steps in empathy is not layered with guilt like his complicated interactions with Deku.

With distance, it's easier to navigate Shouto's mess, but watching the Todoroki family also provides a perspective on his own - a warning in the shape of Endeavor of what he doesn't want to be.

I think from Shouto's side, it's clear that he's been considering Bakugou as his friend for a long time by the end of the remedial arc. Bakugou is a tsundere (so his characterization includes being uncomfortable with squishy feelings like friendships, and is always hiding his motives and intentions). But it doesn't fool Shouto much, because he's someone who primarily looks at actions not words.

But in any case, after the war, Bakugou drops a lot of his attitude and becomes more authentic about his feelings, including more openly friends with Shouto.

I think choosing to support him on their last night before the final war, making him laugh on what may easily be the last night of their lives is a meaningful proof of the long way they have come together .

It's a friendship that the story spent a lot of time with (compared to a lot of the other, easier bonds where characters sort of become friends somewhere in the background and then are just hanging out), working out their relationship from the rocky start, being there as partners and witnesses through some of the biggest lows of each other's lives, getting their licenses together, experiencing milestones and emotional moments together, seeing each other grow and change and stumble through fixing the relationships they struggle with.

I think for us, in the tdbk/bktd part of the fandom, this difficult journey, the ways they fit and the ways they are different is all part of the draw of this dynamic. Also, they are also just truly funny together. There is a hilarious energy of their odd duo and I guess it's something either you are into or not.

Some people prefer sweet / soft friendships, while Todoroki and Bakugou are definitely a cat and dog kind of friendship (even by HK's own illustrations) with its own particular vibe and energy.

[kimbapisnotsushi]

happy birthday to the absolute love of my life iwaizumi hajime!!! have a medley of timeskip hcs bc i barely do those and the only way i can confront being an adult is with characters who became adults alongside me :))

i think no matter where oikawa and iwaizumi are in the world, oikawa always sends a birthday text right as the clock strikes 12 in iwa's time. even if it's four AM on oikawa's side he vows to always be the first to wish iwaizumi a happy birthday :))

(it started when oikawa left for argentina, because that would have been the first birthday they'd spent apart from each other. it's the least oikawa can do, in his eyes. it's the least he can do for not being there.)

do you ever think about the moment where two characters who have never met but have a previous connection to each other via another character find out about said character after meeting. bc i do. a LOT

bonus points if that "someone" is kageyama or hinata or karasuno as a general nuisance

anyways this happens when kuroo and iwaizumi meet and it's HILARIOUS

"what do you MEAN you got your ass whooped by them in high school I got my ass whooped by them in high school too!!!!"

this is a freakishly common occurrence in japan's professional volleyball circuit. there's a support group chat for it and it's got over fifteen people

(there are a few exceptions - komori's really just there for the kicks)

speaking of which. i don't think komori ever stops being a megafan of yaku's. when he hears that they're going to be playing side-by-side on the national team he IMMEDIATELY dials sakusa and just screams into the phone for like a solid minute

hyakuzawa was really shy with everyone at first bc he never really knew them much before, but at his first practice match hoshiumi slammed a ball onto the floor so hard it ricocheted and hit atsumu in the face and, without missing a beat and while atsumu was yelling for hoshiumi to eat shit through a bloody nose, hoshiumi turned to him and went "see that? that was a lesson on what NOT to do" and hyakuzawa knew at that moment that he was in a safe space

sometimes ushijima and iwaizumi will talk about irvine like it was some secret dreamy romantic getaway between starcrossed lovers from medieval times

iwaizumi: "man i remember that one night we drove to the desert to stargaze. that was so cool. really pretty. i forgot my jacket and ushijima was kind enough to lend me his" ushijima: "it would not have done for you to catch a cold, we had a meeting with my father the next day to ask for his blessing" everyone else: "what the actual fuck"

the blessing was to see if utsui could take iwaizumi on for an internship

okay wait quick break from national team shenanigans bc i was thinking about this for a while but i think romero is soooooo impressed when hoshiumi, kageyama, and ushijima tell him that they all know hinata personally. i think he asks them to help ask if hinata can do a favor for him

"you want hinata to WHAT" "i want him to throw me like a paper weight!!! so i can show my son!!!"

hinata's like "OH MY GOD NICOLAS ROMERO WANTS ME TO THROW HIM???" like he's SO honored. he thinks it's an honor to be able to throw romero and romero thinks it's an honor to BE thrown by hinata it's so stupid i love them

and then romero calls his son and is like "SON GUESS WHAT. NINJA SHOUYOU THREW ME LIKE A PAPERWEIGHT TODAY" and sends him the video and little romero is SO hyped

in general i think hinata AND hoshiumi would be able to bench press like 99% of the adlers and the jackals and like. maybe the whole pro league

hoshiumi wants to try so he goes "hey kageyama c'mere for a sec!!" and kageyama is all "?? okay sure" and he just scoops kageyama up, tosses him in the air, catches him and puts him down like "okay thanks, you can get back to what you were doing now!"

i think kageyama actually looks up to hoshiumi a whole lot and it's super cute

okay sorry back to national/all-stars teams squad shenanigans

suna has the newest phone within the canon timeline because his old one broke when hakuba spiked a volleyball into it trying to do a trickshot

suna wasn't even mad bc they DID land the shot it was sick as hell

nobody was really familiar with iizuna aside from, like, sakusa and komori and MAYBE yaku and ushijima so when he joined the all stars match all cool and calm and capable and hot like 90% fell in love. and then he wrestled sakusa into a headlock within five minutes of sakusa being a little bitch and they fell in love even more

this part here was supposed to be a fun little bit about the all-stars team dynamics bc it's funny as hell but it was getting WAY too long and i severely underestimated how insanely complicated having people with grudges like ten years running would be on the same team so like. expect another post soon i guess?

ANYWAYS

they always try to do something when everyone is in town for training or some kind of promo exhibit like the all-stars match bc otherwise it's really really hard to hang out since they're scattered all over the place

imagine if they went to the beach. like. imagine if you were just the average beach goer and you went one day and all of a sudden there is a whole ass group of twenty or so incredibly powerful men who all look like they could kill you with just one hand and they're all screaming their heads off playing beach volleyball. and you look at them and you think they seem vaguely familiar but you don't know why. and then you go home and check twitter and your beach is trending and THAT'S how you find out that the entire goddamn national team took a day trip to visit the beach

[blossomajesty]

What to do what to do

Tldr; before I become consumed by the Monhun brainworms again come Wilds I want to move operations to a proper sideblog because:

1) tumblr never implemented account switching and it’s mad annoying to log in and out

2) I'm not allowed to make my real account an admin of this blog and operate that way bc this is a “main” blog. Lame.

Otherwise, just tossing up the question of if I should delete this blog (bc I dislike having an unused account) or keep it up as some sort of archive, since I know people hate when somewhat popular blogs go deactivated. Original post got long so under the cut it goes;

It's been awhile as you can see, but tbh I haven't been "present" much on social media in general. I closed out my last semester of college (yay) so it's been rough for the better part of the past year as I went through the torture gauntlet that is exams and graduation, and another internship. Anyhow this blog is 5 years old woagh, but I haven't actually posted anything related to the story or characters introduced here in like, 3 years.

For this blog in particular, a decently-sized conundrum is that it's not a true sideblog but a separate account, and since Tunglr never made it easy to switch between accounts, its really annoying to log in and out so much (the rest of my blogs are attached to my main account now). Aside that, i've had enough of Wilds' marketing (i'm already sold and don't need to see more tbh) so I haven't been engaging a ton with monhun news and posts recently. In the meantime I was thinking of just making a MH sideblog of the same name for its original purpose of a place to spill my dumb thoughts/screenshots/ocs/whatever (one that's not so out of reach).

The question is what to do with this one; I tend to keep as few accounts as possible so I have no issue deleting it, but i'm also not normal when it comes to art and sure some would be opposed to this blog vanishing. I could compromise and make this one one of those "-archive" blogs for now if that's the case? (For more clarity I never abandon my fanfic stories/ocs if you're thinking you'll never see Surah and the like again. I tend to rotate between a couple casts of characters as my vidyagame interest shifts, bc making fanart and stories for the same series forever is a fast track to boredom and burnout. That also means No, you still can’t repost the art here or use the characters, those are still mine).

One last thing I guess is that the old "ask-a-monster" blog community/phenomenon actually went extinct a long time ago, this blog was set up the way it is for nostalgia mostly. I was planning on making note of all my unanswered asks here for prompts/inspo, but I don't see myself leaning as heavily into in-character asks ever again (with MH characters and anyone else).. It's been fun for character-writing purposes but as the fate of all the ask-blogs tells, building around it is a lot of work and always tends to fall off after a couple years. Heck, it wasn't even supposed to have so many ask posts in the first place (but don't get me wrong, it was still fun and I learned quite a bit). I’ll probably get around to posting the actual writing I’ve done that fills in some of the story gaps, but elsewhere (or in whatever new side location) as I’d rather put the blog to rest as-is than try to revive/reboot it when I'm not too keen on jumping back and forth.

No idea how many people are actually gonna read all this so I'll add this old Surah wip as compensation

[updateplss]

a quick update on my life this year if there's anyone here that still remembers me lol

i started a free massage therapy course (a quick one) and it made me leave the house once a week. for someone that tried to kill herself last year, it was a good start bc of my anxiety. i couldn't find a job and things to work by myself in this area are expensive but.... life

i finally had the courage to sign up for a free course to work on the backstage of theater arts, last year i wanted to but couldn't leave the house. this year i got in and i don't know what happened but i went every day. i TRULY don't know what changed.. my anxiety was at my lowest, my suicidal thoughts were at my lowest, i interacted with people without wanting to kill myself, i made some new friends. i DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED and it scares me. the fact that i spent 7 months of my life the best mentally speaking that i've ever been in 29 years. and besides not knowing how it happend, what it scares me the most is that every time i get sad or anxious i get the fear that i'm definitely going back to pre 2024 (and honestly i feel like i don't deserve to not be at my lowest at all times)

we had to do hours of internship for the diploma and i!!!!!!! ended up in a play of one of my favorite actress and it was a DREAM. and you know when you go to work at closing time on retail and wanna kill yourself every day? i went to theater, at the exactly same time SMILING. maybe the hours aren't the problem afterall. i just really wish i could work on theater for real. almost 30 years old and living what my 17yo self wanted is kinda weird

i had sex! (not bad, not the best thing in the world, we don't really need to make a fuss about it, bc in the end i'm gonna get to 30yo never having a relationship for a number of reasons and the first one is me being incapable of falling in love)

it was a good year. a weird year. i'm not at all used to being able to to things that normal human beings do, to not feeling suicidal 24/7. so weird. and ironically it makes me really wanna kill myself bc i know that it's never gonna last

and yep i'm still unemployed, so in the end? i'm useless and deserve to die😘

[frogsmulder]

I was tagged by @scullyswifey and @xxsksxxx

Do you make your bed?

Lol

Favorite number?

4 bc it's the only even number that isn't green 🫶 colour grapheme synesthesia gang

If you could go back to school, would you?

Eh maybe. I had less stress back then but also I didn't have the freedom I do now? Probably not

What's your job?

Currently and undergrad but I have an internship in my uni department which is cool

Do you think aliens are real?

I mean definitively yes they found bacteria on mars

Can you parallel park?

I have not got that far on my lessons yet

Can you drive a manual car?

I am currently learning 😁

What's your guilty pleasure?

Nothing I don't feel guilt about pleasure. I own it bitch 😂

Tattoos?

Three with a plan of four and five. Actually @freckleslikestars kindly designed one for me

Favorite color?

Blue, like the tardis :)

Favorite type of music?

Rock, alternative according to Spotify I also enjoy calssical

Do you like puzzles?

Yes, unless they are too difficult then no

Any phobias?

Ummm not really but I'm not fond of moths or boats

Favorite childhood sport?

Netball or rounders. Probably rounders bc you play it in summer and the weather is nicer.

Do you talk to yourself?

Will I get locked up if I answer this truthfully? Genuinely my mum used to tell me they would come and take me away in a padded fan if I talked to myself. I genuinely believed that and was scared of being caught. Now I do it all the time.

Tagging @aluvian @freckleslikestars @capybaraonabicycle @scullyssmile and anyone else who wants to

[lovelylogans]

Hey, this is very random, and not very topical, but you seem like a person who has their life together and i really admire you, so here goes nothing.

Id just wanted to ask you how you chose what to study/ pursue work wise? no pressure to share what it is, but im 22 and three years ago i picked law, bc it’s sensible and has good career chances, but i’ve just been met with the latest in a longer list of failures in that field of study, and it’s making me wonder if im not cut out for this field.

So i wanted to ask you how you picked yours, or what you think is most important to consider with that choice, to perhaps take into consideration as a debate whether i have to just rethink my study habits or rethink my major, so to say.

i hope you’re having a good day/ night and this isn’t too heavy an ask, thanks so much for your works and your blog and your person in general

apologies for the late answer as i was out of town—this is a very important question to ask and consider for yourself, but also a bit hilarious you're asking it to me, as i feel that i do not have my life together, but i'll do my best to offer some advice!

pick something that you enjoy, true, but also consider the risks if it goes awry. for particularly competitive fields, like art or acting, so long as you're aware of the competitiveness of it all and find that you can live with those issues, go for it

if not your life's passion—there can be drawbacks to pinning your life on that, not least of which is burnout—pick something you find interesting, or at least something you'd be comfortable handling day in and day out. for example, i am not Particularly fascinated in data analysis and excel spreadsheets, but i can do them fairly well and i don't mind doing them so long as i've got some music or a podcast to listen to while i do it, so it's a side-duty of the current job i'm working

i know you mentioned not feeling as suited to law, but even if i don't know your exact undergrad major, that's really transferable across multiple fields! and college isn't everything—i know someone who had a degree in history and ended up in construction; another in accounting who ended up a paralegal; a third who got their associate's and not their bachelor's but rose really quickly through sales ranks and ended up really high in their company. degrees can help, true, but you're not beholden to them forever. people make career changes all the time!

and if any future employer asks, you can point out the skills you learned there that can transfer to whatever field you're in (research and writing, for example, apply to more than you might think. and law-related stuff can compound into a lot of fields and skills!)

this sounds materialistic, but it is important. look up median salaries of any career you'd like to go into and mentally picture yourself on that salary. do you live in a high cost of living area? does your life have various things that you find you need to pay for a lot of stuff? what's the average apartment or rental or home cost near you?

i know it's cliché, but connections are A Lot in the world of employment. go to your job fairs, if there's a young professionals thing near you go to that too; find people with your alma mater who might be interested in discussing their particular jobs that you find interesting, and get their opinions on the benefits and drawbacks of it all.

if you do find something you're slightly interested in, but not sure if you'd like to do it your whole life—you can always see if there's an internship available so you can get a feel for it and formulate a more solid opinion through that experience. or, if not an internship, some companies offer "shadow" sort of programs that you can participate in, or again reaching out to people currently in that field to ask questions about it

as for how i picked mine: i picked a degree that i knew i'd enjoy attending classes about, that would translate across a variety of fields that i was interested in, and then after graduation things got a bit Sticky and i took a sideways step in terms of the job i took vs. what i'd been picturing. it's a decent job, but not exactly what i imagined—and that's okay! things happen!

i also found it helpful to narrow down what i would NOT want to do. for example, i'm very squeamish about blood/etc., so i knew that anything medical related was out for me. i'm not particularly a math whiz, so that was out too. so on and so forth

jobs aren't forever. degrees aren't forever. change them if you feel like changing them, ask for advice when you need it, and the world can be scary and it seems like everyone knows what they're doing, but i guarantee you: no one does. at least one area of everyone's life is a mess at any given time. it's normal. it's common. you have people who have gone through or are currently going through your exact situation. you'll make it through.

[sanddusted-wisteria]

An update on my fics

hey wow it's been 4 months

Nearly six months on both longfics lmao. I've been busy and will continue to be busy, unfortunately. Grad school is a different beast entirely to undergrad (be careful taking 3 grad classes in a semester. 2 heavy ones can really make you regret it), I need to prepare for job interviews and PhD program applications, and this summer I've been wrangling an internship and research work.

Even so tho, my MTAS brainrot is far from dead. It takes a lot of time and effort, but I still have a lot I want to do with the My Time verse and my OCs, both art and fic. So here's a quick update on where I am and what the plan is with my fics and fic series going forward, and some previews of what I have so far (on a separate post bc this one's already too long lmao)!

TL;DR: busy, but still writing! WIP snippets on the next post.

[Long post and rambling belowwwwww]

Earth and Sky

Currently my primary focus. E&S has evolved a TON since I decided to rewrite it. How much? Well...

[Drafting = first draft is in progress; Revising = draft is plot-complete, set aside for future editing passes]

In fact, I haven't even outlined the ending chapters since I recently had a change of heart in the kind of resolution I wanted. I got stuck on it enough that I decided to forego outlining anything for now and playing that one more by ear. I think any more time I spend tweaking these outlines might put me off this fic altogether :P

As someone that started writing with nameless/generic builders, writing for an OC is a different kind of challenge. I'm working to try and strike a good balance of focus on Wis vs Qi vs them together, and making Wis a very human, if not enjoyable character. Still, I think that this is one of those projects that if I can get right, it will be VERY right. It'll just take a bit to get there first :>

At minimum, I'll wait until most if not all of the chapters in the first third/quarter are done (chapters 1-16) to start posting, though hopefully I'll also have a solid idea for how some of the later chapters will go as well. Those are the really (internal) conflict-heavy chapters and I want to make sure it won't come out as shallow :P But I am excited to show you what I've got cooking!

A Cosmic Garden

This is the broader series for Wis and Qi. E&S will be the biggest fic, but it only goes up to a little beyond MTAS's Act 2. Beyond that, my plan is to write some side stories that go into Wis's Lore(tm), namely her origins as an Old World clone and her interactions with other Wis clones around the Alliance.

Why side stories? Well, a) any plot involving Wis as a clone is relatively spread out across the timeline of MTAS's story, since it's actually not that closely tied to her "main" storyline (being the first clone I made when the clone story was just kind of just a bullet point on their lore descriptions, it's less involved), b) it therefore doesn't really affect the story of how she and Qi get together, and c) I know that people might be far more interested in just the romance story with Qi (which is totally okay! I understand, I'm pretty much in the same camp with OC-centric stories a lot :P)

As for the equivalent of MTAS's Act 3, this won't be one cohesive fic, but a small series of smaller stories, since I don't really have too many ideas for a fully fleshed out telling of Act 3 that doesn't just walk through the main missions without much deviating from that. Some of those stories include:

A series of conversations between Qi and Miguel post Act 2

A Nia/Mi-an story

A silly little oneshot of Qi and Rosie interacting (tentative)

The original idea that Strangeness and Charm sprouted from; Wis and Qi conducting a methodical study on non-sexual intimacy (tentative)

The finale of the MTAS main story

A Builder, a Researcher, and a Rooftop

Currently on pause. For now, there's just too much OC brainrot for fics and on OTAS that I just need to get out. Don't worry! I'm absolutely not abandoning this one. I just can only really focus on one big project at a time lol. We're close to the end of this story's act 2, though not much of the remainder is written. In fact, chapter 34 is already done, but not chapter 33, so I can't quite post it yet. I think after I get the first part of E&S done (or I suppose whenever I feel like picking it up), I'll switch gears to at least get to the end of Act 2. Act 3 will need some reevaluation...I've hemmed and hawed over it forever, but I do want to finalize the plot for that one, and also potentially get started on that as well.

Others

To the...5 people that read my Grace/Wis miniseries, I really do still want to get that done a;sdlasdralsdrkj It's been hard since my thoughts on how Grace and Wis interact after Act 2 have changed a lot. But even so, I hate to leave it hanging there, so I've started working on it again. It's already outlined, I just need to get it filled in.

Someday I should come back to Quiet Moments in Sandrock... My art's gotten a ton better since then and there's a few ideas I still have leftover that I never got to. Unfortunately I need to make room for it somewhere in the 13438525 other art ideas I have that I can only do like 1 per week at MOST asdlrkasdasdrjksdrj

Sitting on the back burner forever in my writing folder is a fusion of Junji Ito's Uzumaki and MTAS... An MTAS version of Uzumaki's story works SURPRISINGLY well, and Wis and Qi I think make for stronger protagonists in this setting than Kirie and Shuichi in theirs if I do say so myself lol. It's fully outlined and everything, but that's gonna forever be on the back burner until either my longfics get done or I figure out how to write horror, whichever comes first 😂

So all in all...still cooking! Thank you if you read all this, and thank you for your patience, especially if you've been closely following any of my in progress fics. Hopefully once the interview and application cycle is out of the way this fall, I'll have more brain capacity to really plug away at all these and share with you all! :>

[khodorkovskaya]

okay so i need to get this off my chest bc im so emotionally constipated oh my god. everything is so heavy but i can't fucking relax and let it all out and so im carrying around all of these bottles up emotions and it's frustrating and i hate it.

my grandmother passed away on thursday and i don't have the time to grief and it's the worst thing ever. she lives in another country and my mum went there immediately and we didn't talk about it but it was understood and accepted by everyone that im not coming to the funeral. like it was just kind of accepted as fact that i wasn't coming and that's it.

and fair enough, i don't have a say in this. because it's like halfway across the world and we poured our savings out for this plane ticket for my mum. our only source of income is our business and we shut it down for the time that she's away. i now have my internship salary, which is half of minimum wage, so i guess that's what me and my dad are surviving on for now. so like, fair, me going to grandma's funeral wasn't realistic money-wise. but it just sucks how i didn't get a say in this. and if i continue this train of thought, why didn't any of my relatives offer to buy me a plane ticket? im not blaming anyone for anything and whatever. and if i really wanted to go, i could've stated it. but everything happened so fast, i didn't even have time to process or think it through. anyway. whatever.

and now everyone's there, me and my dad are the only one out of the family who are here and i can't help but feel abandoned. and i know it's childish and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. but everyone is grieving together and im missing out on the grief. they're remembering grandma and looking through old photos and videos and crying together. and im stuck here. and i didn't even have time to grief!!! that's the frustrating part!

when i found out, i was at work, so i couldn't cry. then i couldn't cry bc i had work the next day and i can't show up to work with puffy eyes can i? then i have a presentation on monday, so yesterday i was working on it. and i wanted to grieve today. but i hadn't finished the presentation, so that's what i spent the whole day doing today. and again, i can't be all puffy-eyed tomorrow. so every time i think about grandma, i just force myself to not think.

and i can't even cry. like tears just don't come out because im so fucking controlling of myself. like i legitimately can't cry. im so tense. like i can't let myself let loose.

and then im like postponing my grief. which is so ridiculous. because what is all of this for?? she is gone. what's it gonna do? what's the point of looking through old photos and making myself sad? i might as well put on a pink gown and open a tub of ben&jerry's like sad girls in romcoms while im at it. like this is so performative. what's the point? who is this performance for? she is gone.

and now im like constantly torn between like... feeling sad about my grandma's death, not having the time to grief and feeling like there is no point in grieving. and my mum is sleeping in the bed she died in. and my cousin said she visited her in her sleep. and i feel like im missing out on this like... sisterhood of grief.

i don't know, it's so fucked up. there is something so embarrassing about death. grandma was the pillar of everything. it felt like she was alive despite it all, out of spite almost. everyone else could die, but not her. and now she's gone. and i haven't even had the time to properly think about it. but i don't want to think about it because i don't want to accept it. because i feel like it's embarrassing that she died because she's so much cooler than death and it's just not fair. like it's out of character of her to die. she's supposed to be invincible.

so the funeral is tomorrow. everyone is there and im here. and i feel like if anyone has to be at the funeral, it's me. i have this childish hope that i was the favourite grandchild, which is so stupid. because ive always lived far and i guess grandma didn't know me much past childhood. and can i really blame a teenager for not being close with their grandma? but it really doesn't make sense why im not at the funeral. because i should be there, right? grandma loved me. but what's the point of funerals anyway? she's gone. it doesn't matter who's at the funeral, she's not coming back.

fuck.