#realized how that would come across knowing sc fans....

[thepixelelf]

I realize that probably no one knows this about me but when I put "sir" in the tags of a kpop guy photo/gifset, I'm not joking about submissive and breedable-isms I mean sir like. "sir. customer. you can't do that here. sir this is an old spaghetti factory."

[outlanderfandomfollies]

SamCait shipping would have probably happened anyway, but the extreme shipper (ES) leaders are the ones who kept it going

Recently, I saw a comment on @cant-resist-temptation’s blog from a fan who couldn’t understand why shippers believe in the secret S & C “marriage” and the multiple secret “boos.” As I recall, CRT said that she thought that they were initially led to believe in the ship by S & C’s over-the-top flirting. However, now that it is clear that C & T are married and have a child, she really doesn’t know why people persist in believing in the SC ship.

I was a SC shipper myself for about two months in 2015. Certainly S & C played up their chemistry for a few years to sell the show. But from what I can tell, S & C probably would have been shipped whether or not they played up their chemistry. To understand a little bit about that, I recommend reading this article by Beth Thorne on the That’s Normal website:

What Jim and Pam Taught Me About Shipping

It is well worth the read. Beth talks about how she started to initially ship the fictional couple from The Office: “JAM” (i.e., Jim Halpert & Pam Beesly, played by Jenna Fischer & John Krazinksi), but then the lines for her got blurred between fiction and reality when

“Karen Filipelli was introduced as a smart character: a pretty, funny and interesting woman who made a viable choice for Jim when he was rejected by Pam. I hated her instantly of course. But Karen was played by the very talented, Rashida Jones, whom I did not know before she was cast on The Office, and whom I also instantly hated. Notice there is no ‘of course’ at the end of that sentence because my hatred of Rashida Jones was totally and completely … untenable.”

"Satan, basically"

You have to read the article to learn why the addition of Karen/Rashida to the show ended up blurring the lines between fiction and real life for Beth, but it doesn’t appear that Jenna and John’s behaviors outside the show had caused her confusion.

Given how ubiquitous real person shipping has become, including in fandoms where the celebrities in some One True Pairings (OTP) are married to or have been romantically involved with other people (e.g., the Damie and Robsten ships), I tend to think that whether or not S & C had played up their chemistry to sell the show, they would have been shipped by some fans anyway.

However, I believe that the reason the SC shippers in this fandom have become so extreme over time had a lot to do with the shipper leadership.

Fans From Other Fandoms Brought Extreme Shipping Beliefs With Them 

SC shippers were lured onto the ship from the very beginning by seasoned shipping veterans from other fandoms (e.g., One Direction, Twilight, The Hunger Games, etc.) who had crossed over to the Outlander fandom. These fandom veterans were already familiar with the 5 foundational beliefs of extreme (tinhat) shipping. Below is an excerpt from an earlier post I wrote that delineates these beliefs.

In fairness to these early shipper leaders, I think that many really thought the above nonsense was true and didn’t realize they were propagating “tinhat” beliefs. After all, these beliefs have spread far and wide across many fandoms, as illustrated nicely by a chart from @louche-laid-back-glory​.

But the underlying premises of the beliefs aren’t real. We no longer live in the mid-twentieth century where film studios had nearly a complete say over what actors could show the public about their personal lives. There is no legal way that studios could do that today. 

SHIPPER LEADERS: Withholding information, lying, and reposting debunked/misleading “receipts”

LIES OF OMISSION: The shipper leaders also led their followers on by withholding information that contradicted the ship. Typically, they wouldn’t release the info until it was about to come out anyway or only if it was way after the fact. We will never know all the information that they withheld from their followers, but some information eventually did come out. Examples include shipper leaders initially withholding: 

The fact that there had been multiple photos of Abbie at S’s April 2015 birthday party.

The knowledge that Abbie had been seen visiting S in Scotland in May 2015.

The reality that T had been seen at a Jan. 2016 Starz party.

The knowledge that there was a photo of S in NYC in June 2017 (when shippers claimed he wasn’t visiting MM because he wasn’t there).

The fact that there had been a photo of T holding C’s hand at the end of her April 2018 marathon.

In addition, although SIS Brazil appropriately withheld info in April 2018 about what S’s nephew said about S, C & MM--they nevertheless implied that what he said was supportive of the shipper position. Yet, when it all finally came out in Aug. 2019, it turned out that what he said did not support the shipper narrative.      

LIES OF COMMISSION: Perhaps the worst of the shipper leader lies of commission was the one where some leaders have claimed they have seen a copy of the S & C marriage certificate from Spain! 😱 But of course they conveniently cannot show anyone.🙄 Furthermore, even SIS Brazil said that they had seen such a certificate--but then a couple of days later said they were only joking.🤦🏻‍♀️ 

We also have the coffee stalker claiming that S & C not only live together but were together the entire April 2018 Easter weekend when in fact there is a lot of evidence that S & T went to Ireland and S was hanging out with cast members.

VISUAL DISINFORMATION: There are also visual ways of lying using gifs, videos, and still images. For years, the shipper leaders kept reposting long debunked visual “receipts” over and over again, including faux Cait at the Laophroaig distillery (Sept. 2015), faux S & C at the June 2016 baseball game, faux Sam in Paris (Oct. 2016), and the infamous Feb. 2017 fist bump photo to name just a few. (See this post for other examples and debunks.)

They also created misleading gifs by taking videos of S & C out of context, leaving the gif focus fuzzy, and/or slowing their speed down. In doing so they made them look like they were more meaningful than they were. (See this page on my main web-based tumblr for many examples of this.)

SHIPPER LEADERS: Indirectly “teaching” their followers to think like conspiracy theorists

ERRONEOUS CONNECTIONS: Shipper leaders indirectly “teach” their followers to think like conspiracy theorists through consistently making erroneous connections between people and events. An example of this is shown above in the The Australia Brief “conspiracy board” created by SIS Brazil in an attempt to convince their followers that the S & T engagement wasn’t real. In following the convoluted reasoning  of The Australia Brief board, SIS Brazil’s followers indirectly “learned” to confuse correlation with causation and to engage in numerous logical fallacies. 

Using correlation to “prove” the SC narrative is ubiquitous in Shipperville. So if S & C were vaguely in the same geographical location at the same time (even though they could be miles apart), then they had to have been together. Or if they were on social media at the same time, they had to have been right next to each other.🤦🏻‍♀️

CONFIRMATION BIAS: One of the major errors that certain SC shippers repeatedly make is that they focus intensely on a few specific pieces of supporting evidence for the ship and ignore or rationalize away much of the other information that does not support their assumptions.

The name for this phenomenon is confirmation bias or the tendency to overvalue information that supports one’s beliefs and to undervalue or overlook information that does not. (For more information about confirmation bias see this post.)

The SC shippers have taken confirmation bias to a new level though, in that they are often on overdrive to “find” information to confirm their ship.

And so over the years we find SC shippers scouring photos and videos of S or C, looking for people in the background who vaguely look like S or C to “prove” that they were actually together in various places. Even C’s father’s funeral was not taboo. Someone showed me photos that certain ES are passing off as being S from the back, while claiming that it is either “one of Cait’s brothers or a friend holding their own blonde child to give the illusion it’s Tony.”🙄

SHIPPER LEADERS: Controlling what blogs their followers see and encouraging groupthink

Another way that the ES leaders manipulate their followers is by encouraging groupthink and by serving as gatekeepers regarding the information that their followers see and don’t see. 

GROUPTHINK: Because of processes like group polarization, the persuasive-arguments theory, and social comparison theory, group pressures and norms can lead groups to become more extreme in their thinking. As the group becomes more extreme and more unified, groupthink can set in. When this happens, any form of disagreement with the group’s core beliefs is discouraged. Discussions focus on evidence that supports the group’s beliefs; other evidence is often not even up for discussion. (For more information about this phenomenon, see this post.)

MINDGUARDS: When groupthink happens, certain individuals in a group assign themselves to serve as mindguards to ensure that information that contradicts the general consensus is left out of group discussions and decision-making. They use different ways to shut down dissent, which in turn furthers the goal of group unity and the appearance of consensus.

We see extreme shipper leaders often serving as mindguards by giving newbies block lists of who to block and telling lies about those of us who debunk the SC “receipts.” They also frequently block anyone who questions the ship or who follows someone on their block lists. In this way they control the kind of information about S & C that their followers see. 

If an opposing position is presented by an “anon,” it is assumed the anon is from the nonshipper camp (whom they refer to as “antis”) and the argument is usually dismissed outright.

The ES leaders also create fear in their followers of being blocked if they question the ship too much or visit an “anti’s” blog. This leaves the ES who value their community particularly vulnerable to groupthink and biased conclusions.

The ES leaders also like to pretend that most of the fans on tumblr believe in the ship, so anyone who comes to their blogs and disagrees with them has to be a sock account of one of the major debunkers.🙄

Although I can’t speak to what other SC debunkers might do, I don’t create sock accounts to follow or comment on shipper blogs. But I do occasionally learn what they are discussing when people send me info in DMs, or someone I follow reblogs one of their posts, or I stumble upon a shipper blog thinking it was a regular Outlander blog, etc.

Many shippers might still hang on to the ship because of a need to “win.”

As illustrated below by the (2010) Twilight parody Vampires Suck, shipping feuds occasionally can get a tad out of control.😱 Sometimes it feels like certain shippers are engaging in a “team sport” and they won’t stop until they “win” and are proven “right.”

In the “shipping-as-team-sport” analogy, the shipper leaders seem to take on the role of “coaches,” motivating their “team” to keep “fighting” until they “win.”

In Conclusion

In all the ways described above, the extreme shipper leaders nourish the ship and keep their followers clicking on their blogs. Most of the old shipper leaders like Jess at least had the integrity to admit years ago that the ship wasn’t real and pretty much left the fandom. 

But the extreme shipper leaders who persist are either so far down the rabbit hole that they actually believe the nonsense they spew, or they are liars who just like the attention of their followers.

Either way, at this point (after C’s marriage to T and their having a child together) it seems to me like the ES leaders are a major reason why the ship remains afloat. 

______________________

Gif sources: 01, 02 (via That’s Normal), 03 ( aa + bb), 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12 & 13, 14; note that all gifs except 02 were modified from their sources. Image sources: Conspiracy board: SIS Brazil; Harper Lee Quote: (Shutterstock + Ms. Gallagher); Magnifying glass (before edits): Shutterstock  

[snkpolls]

SnK Episode 67 Poll Results (for Manga Readers)

The poll closed with 254 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated!

Please note that these are the results for the Manga Readers’ poll. If you wish to see the results for the Anime Only Watchers’ poll, click here.

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RATE THE EPISODE 246 Responses

The response to this week’s episode remains overwhelmingly positive, with 97.6% of responses giving it a score of 3 or higher. 

This is the first episode where I have absolutely no criticisms, so im quite happy with how it turned out.

Voice acting was top tier

perfect

Emotional 

Great Job! I'm glad my favorite character's death was so emotionally misered.

Forget Attack on Titans, this episode was Attack on my Feelings ! 😭

I want to rate it a 1 because of Sasha but a 5 because of how well it was done... so 1.5

Absolutely loved it

Perfect

ASIDE FROM SASHA’S DEATH, WHICH MOMENT WAS THE MOST EMOTIONAL FOR YOU? 247 Responses

Connie’s heartfelt admission to Jean seems to have stolen the hearts of the plurality of responders (36%). That is followed by a tie of 18.2% responses noting Eren’s breakdown or EMA’S tense reunion as the most emotional moment for them. In third place is Gabi’s tragic declaration about her struggles with 11.3%. Other responses were, in order, Jean lamenting all of the deaths occurring, Gabi and Falco realizing that Zeke betrayed them, Hange scolding Eren for forcing the SC to intervene in Marley and Levi and Eren’s confrontation.

Connie telling Sasha and Jean that they're special to him made my heart hurt knowing what was going to happen mere minutes after. I honestly saw me and my two best friends through them, and it was gut wrenching seeing Connie and Jean's reactions. Even Mikasa's reaction broke me, to be honest. They all lost a huge light in their lives.

WHICH MOMENT SURPRISED YOU THE MOST? 222 Responses

So this question was meant to only go on the anime watchers poll and ended up here somehow. Thanks to the 222 who were good sports and responded anyway! :P The most shocking moments that took place in this chapter/episode was the revelation that Eren went rogue from the Survey Corps, that Zeke was collaborating with the Survey Corps, how the Survey Corps treated Eren, and that some Paradisians seemed to be turning to nationalism, in that order. 

Not sure why we're being asked as manga readers which moment shocked us the most since we already knew everything that was going to happen this week

HOW MUCH DID SASHA’S DEATH HURT YOU? 249 Responses

When it came to Sasha’s death, it would appear that it broke the hearts of the overwhelming majority of responders, with 81.1% giving it a rating of either 4 or 5 on the tragic scale. 

Broke my heart and I'm still crying over it three days later. Honestly though, it was greatly done. 

3 years later it hit me, Sasha is dead ;_;

Cried my whole soul and body. Rip sweet Sasha

I thought Sasha's death would've been more emotional.

WHOSE REACTION TO SASHA’S DEATH AFFECTED YOU THE MOST? 250 Responses

Sasha’s death elicited various reactions from the main cast. Two different responses tied at 36.4% noting Connie and Mikasa’s reactions to Sasha's death as the one affecting them the most. This was followed by Eren’s at 13.2%. The rest were, in order, Armin, Jean, Levi and Hange. 

I don’t cry at fiction much, but Sasha’s death got me more than I thought it would. I feel like seeing Armin and Mikasa’s reactions in particular is what got me.

The way they animated Armin and Mikasa bawling over Sasha's body and the inclusion of Call Your Name made it all the more emotional. I think by "Assassin's Bullet" they also meant a bullet through my heart because man did that hurt to watch. 😭🤧

WOULD YOU PISS YOUR PANTS IF LEVI WAS GLARING AT YOU WITH MURDEROUS INTENT? 248 Responses

A bit of a joke question, but we wanted to know if Levi appeared as threatening as he seemed. 80.2% seems to think so, admitting their incentive to piss their pants. In contrast, 19.8% don’t think the Captain’s such a scary guy!

THE FULL VERSION OF “ASHES ON THE FIRE” BY KOHTA YAMAMOTO (THE PREVIEW SONG) IS NOW OUT. IF YOU’VE LISTENED TO IT, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 236 Responses

“Ashes on the Fire” has been released to rave reviews, with 88.1% of responses giving it a 4 or a 5. Nobody gave it a 1, either. Yamamoto-san, thank you!

OVERALL, HOW WELL DO YOU THINK MAPPA ADAPTED THE MARLEY ARC? 251 Responses

In spite of the relatively vocal complaints about the adaptation of certain elements of the Marley Arc, it would appear that the overwhelming majority of responders seemed pleased with it, with 51.4% giving it 5 and 37.1% giving it a 4. 1s not present. 

I've been a bit bothered how Mappa follows the Manga like a slave, using the panels as scenes and not adding anything in between. Sure it works for Manga, but it feels weird to me to watch in Anime how Eren grabs Armins hand and they don't give a transition where Armin pulls him in, but just show him inside the airship next. Just little things, but bothers me a bit. Overall I'm really enjoying their choices.

The show looks BETTER

I was fine with the episode. The quality of animation dropped but I understand that every scene cannot be animated on highest level. MAPPA has done a great job with the Marley arc. They shown the character development and bonds between the warriors perfectly. We had some cuts here and there but overally was okay: 8/10 for me. 

I’m so pleased that MAPPA has taken the anime. I’m still more of a fan of this particular series’ manga than anime though.

DID SASHA’S DEATH AFFECT YOU MORE WHEN YOU READ THE MANGA, OR SEEING IT ANIMATED WITH VOICES AND MUSIC? 249 Responses

As noted above, Sasha’s death seemed to be a hard hitter for most. Comparison of the adaptation vs the original allows to discern which hit the readers/watchers the hardest. Just one percent shy of a majority (49%) thought that the anime made it much more tragic. 30.9% noted that the impact was roughly similar across both mediums. On the flip side, 10.4% thought that the initial depiction of it in the manga was the hardest hitter. There were also a couple of write-ins. 

I dont remember I sped run reading the manga, kinda regretting it

I knew it for the first time in the manga, so it had a more powerful impact (I cried for a whole week. Not kidding) and the anime managed to make me cry as hard as in the manga. Though, I already was aware and grieved so it wasn't as bad

Got Spoiled :( so kinda meh, saw it coming

When the music kicked in after Connie announced she was gone, my heart broke into a million pieces. 

Let's be honest, Sasha's role was over after she killed the titan in the village and saved Kaya. After that she was just there. She got zero development, zero important moments, zero depth. Her death effected many characters and helped them to develop. Sasha's death was sad but at least brought some important changes in others. 

Not a Sasha fan so I was not really that affected but having a death in the series always feels sour

I think for me, they're both even.....mostly. There's just something about having been waiting for the chapter leaks on reddit with a bunch of other people and most of us collectively grieving at the same time. Once bigger pages of the chapter started coming out, it made me cry. I didn't even cry during serumbowl when I first read it and that had plenty for me to be even more upset about.

Honestly while reading manga I hated that Sasha’s last word was „meat”, it seemed so ridiculous. I’m happy MAPPA made it look more serious with music. Actually everyone’s reaction for Sasha’s death had more impact on me than the death itself

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU SAW GABI KILL SASHA IN THE MANGA? AND HOW DO YOU FEEL SEEING IT AGAIN NOW, KNOWING HOW GABI’S ARC DEVELOPS? 247 Responses

Gabi is perhaps the most controversial character introduced post-time skip. Whether you’re a proud member of the Gabi Gang, proud hater of the 12 year old or just a neural party, everyone can admit that. With Sasha’s death at her hands, many seemed to offer up their opinion on the kid, back then and now. A slight plurality, 31.2%, stated that they did not hate her back when 105 first released and they don’t hate her now. 23.1% note that although they were rather upset with her back down, they are not (upset/angry) any longer. On the flipside, 25.5% state that they still hate the kid, as they did back then. Finally, some were simply neutral. Classic. 

Quite a few write-ins, as well.

I hated her in the manga but after watching the anime, I’m not happy about it but I understand why she did what she did and don’t hate her as much anymore.

I was extremely upset about it before and am still extremely upset about it now, but for different reasons. I hate her less but am not any less annoyed by her brainwashed hatred of the Paradisians, although I understand her much better and realize and empathize that she's just a kid who's been used by her country in the worst way.

Gabi Braun Must Die

Broke my heart and was upset, but understood where she was coming from (thought about her perspective only)

Sasha shoulda killed this cunt while she had the chance

It’s war, she did as she needed to.  Her arc is fantastic 

love hate relationship 

I didn't like her but not because of Sasha death (that's war consequence) and it's the same now

I really hated her with my whole heart and soul, but now that it has been all explained, that she had character development, I even like her now

I used to be angry about it but I understand why now, Gabi is just a victim of Marley’s control just like anyone else is, it’s a shame this is the results of it. She’s still at fault but I can’t hate her so much for it

I feel tired of Gabi hate. I disliked her in the manga back then but now I feel neutral towards her, because she has changed. Yet, I wish she took less screentime. 

SORRY for ranting! I don't understand the hate on Gabe. Yes, I know she killed a Paradise character which was present in series since its beginning and I understand Sasha's fans are upset Sasha is not here anymore because of her. but those people do not analyse Gabe as they should be. Every character belongs to a different side and each side is blinded by what heir belives in. It is okay to not like Gabe but I don't tolerate hate on her. I THINK THIS QUESTION SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN INCLUDED AT ALL.

Initial hate, understanding after some thought

Understanding her situation I know I shouldn’t hate her, but I’m choosing to be petty and hate her anyway 

I liked her much more than I like her now. She was a much better character back then, her killing Sasha (a one-note comedic relief) was cool and brought some spice to the story. Now she just exists to spout themes and convenient exposition and to be an aimbot

i dislike her, even if i understand her

I dont like Gabi. Never did. It isnt because she killed Sasha tho. I just dont care for Gabi tbh BUT i can totally understand her actions and do not blame her for it after seeing the destruction and killings

I was and still am upset about Sasha's death, but from the start I blamed it more on the circumstances than Gabi.

I loved her then, I love her now and it probably wouldn’t change even if she killed my favourite characters. She’s my cinnamon roll

Gabi did nothing wrong, killing a soldier in the battlefield is not a crime.

See, I WANT to like Gabi since she's obviously changed, but knowing she killed Sasha nonetheless will ALWAYS prevent me from having any love or respect for her. She will always be my most hated character

MAPPA ADDED AN EXTENDED SCENE OF FLOCH AND OTHER SURVEY CORPS RECRUITS BEATING GABI AND FALCO. HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? 240 Responses

MAPPA added an extra scene of Floch and Friends raining down copious amounts of gratuitous violence upon two 12 year olds (MAPPA is pro-child violence???????? Find out when 111 is adapted). 48.8% seemed to think that it was a decent addition, even if just for the SC’s characterization (or perhaps you enjoyed seeing that?). 22.5% thought it was a bit over the top to feature. Finally, 16.7% did not care. 

I didn't like it. But, it was def a believable reaction from them.

I just wish it was enough to kill her

I liked the additional characterization of Floch & co.

Great addition, it was implied in the manga so the scene fitted well. Still, it was horrifying to see how vile the scouts were to two kids

How about an option where we're glad Gabi got beaten to a pulp but not when Falco was?

ORA ORA thing, but we viewers get hurt too. 

Didn't feel bad about Gabi getting beat up, but I did feel bad seeing Falco get beat up. Poor boy didn't deserve that

A nice addition 

I thought it was a great choice to highlight the continuing violence and feelings of vengeance from both sides even more. and I thought it contrasted really well with Jean's decision not to throw the kids out of the airship.

The people glorifying this scene annoy the shit out of me

It's a good way to hint the "Yaegerist" perspective to anime onlies

MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA

The Gold Experience memes are funny

It was an IC scene for people like Floch + I feel bad for the kids

The way they shot that scene made the recruits seem like mindless, gross-faced animals storming towards the kids to beat them up. I liked how they were dehumanised like that, considering that most faces amongst them belonged to the ones who support the rumbling. 

It hurt to see that but good scene though

Feel empathy for Gaby. Violence don't solve problems

Now THAT'S what I call fan service! Who needs big-boobed, big-ass females or shirtless guys with and when you can just have the most hated character get the tar beaten out of them xD

I can see why they did it. MAPPA's not dumb and I'm sure they anticipated a massive onslaught on hate towards Gabi specifically, so it was their way of trying to satisfy the haters. Falco didn't deserve it tho.

It was a good addition

GREAT JOB MAPPA

I hate Gabi too but that was too much beating up a child, yet it also showed how shit Floch and the others are.

Apparently some people never noticed that Gabi and Falco got beat up, probably because it happened in the background. So it was good for MAPPA to call attention to it.

I love Gabi but she had that coming. No need to hurt Falco though. :(

OVERALL, HOW WELL DO YOU FEEL MAPPA EXECUTED THE REVEAL THAT ZEKE IS A TRAITOR TO MARLEY? 240 Responses

The reveal that ZOOK has been working against Marley for years on end is one of the most important ones in the series, really. So it was important to have it be executed in a rather decent manner. The vast majority of the fandom thought that MAPPA did a fine job. 52.1% gave it a rating of 4, 27.5% gave it a 5 and 17.1% gave it a 3. The couple of the other respnders gave it a 2, with no 1s.

IN THE END, DO YOU THINK EREN’S ACTIONS IN MARLEY WERE ULTIMATELY JUSTIFIED? 242 Responses

A question to remember… Were Eren’s actions in Marley ultimately “justified”? A plurality, 44.6% seems to think so. In contrast, 24% disagree. And 31.4% still aren’t sure to this day.

SIMILARLY, DO YOU THINK THE SURVEY CORPS WAS ULTIMATELY JUSTIFIED IN TREATING EREN AS THEY DID? 244 Responses

When it comes to the SC treating Eren as they did, the division is much less pronounced however. The majority, 60.7%, think that the SC had quite the justification for treating Eren as they did. On the flip side, 19.7% think that there was such justification for behaving in such a manner towards Eren. Finally, the same amount of responses stated that still can’t be sure to this day.

NOW THAT WE’VE GOTTEN A CLEAR SHOT OF YELENA, DID MAPPA DO HER JUSTICE? 243 Responses

YELENA is here. Queen 👑. Or well, maybe not. Who am I to say? In any case, her appearance was received well. 52.7% thought MAPPA did very well and 33.7% went on to declare their love for her. Just shy of 10% noted that MAPPA could have done a little better though. 

Kinda wish her hair was like neon or something idk

Need more eps of her to decide, she didn't get much screentime and lines here. 

I don't like Yelena, but yeah I guess they did good.

In the manga she was a creepy-looking person. MAPPA made her unique, interesting and mysterious. I love her voice and her stoic, relaxed self. MAPPA did a good job.  

QUEEN!!!!!

Great adaptation but I still don't like her as a character

Don’t care about her 

don't really care

I hate her and I don't care about her.

WHICH SCENE FROM THE PREVIEW ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? 247 Responses

Such a colorful chart for this one. It would appear that slightly over a quarter look most forward to seeing Crykasa at Sasha’s grace. Slightly less (21.9%) want to see Sasha enjoying Niccolo’s cuisine. In third place is the scene with Connie, Jean, Mikasa and Niccolo at Sasha’s grace. The rest are, in order from most to least, Onyankopon and Yelena teaching the Survey Corps about the Port, EMA talking at the shooting range and Hange and Armin learning about Marley’s technology.

HOW HYPED ARE YOU FOR THE UPCOMING TIMESKIP FLASHBACKS? 239 Responses

The time skip flashbacks seem to be a hit. A little over 51% are super stoked about seeing them animated. Slightly under 24% state that they’ll enjoy them, but are looking forward to other things more. In contrast, 22.6% are ready to go crazy (from a positive standpoint)! Wooo! 

Enjoying AND dreading it at the same time

I just want the centipede

Boring. The only thing what interests me is Historia teasing Mikasa about her crush on Eren. The rest is too jolly. 

I'm looking forward to see Yelena's insane self be animated. That, and more Zeke.

THE MOST RECENT LIST OF FUTURE EPISODE TITLES SHOWS THAT EPISODE 12 WILL LIKELY END AROUND CHAPTERS 109-111, LEAVING CHAPTER 112 (EMA’S ARGUMENT) FOR EPISODE 13. EPISODE 67 WAS ALMOST ENTIRELY ADAPTED FROM CHAPTER 105, PROVING THAT ADAPTING DIALOGUE-HEAVY CHAPTERS FAITHFULLY CAN EASILY REQUIRE THE FULL 20 MINUTES. WITH ONLY 16 EPISODES - AND SO MANY WHICH ARE DIALOGUE-HEAVY - DO YOU THINK THINGS WILL END OFF WITH THE INITIATION OF THE RUMBLING (CH. 122), AS HAS BEEN SPECULATED BY MUCH OF THE FANDOM? 238 Responses

The manner in which the Season will end is a mystery to even the manga readers. Where will it end? Will it have many cuts? These are the questions. 36.6% seem to think that MAPPA will somehow manage to both end it at Chapter 122 and cut as little as possible. 26.5% don't believe ending on 122 is possible. 12.2% do believe MAPPA will end the Season on 122, but only with many notable cuts. Finally, just a little under 20% are simply not sure. There were a few write-ins as well. 

I hope not, too many cuts would be required 

The is no way they're making it up to 122, at first I thought they were going to finish it off with Eren's head getting blown off in 119, but now that seems like a reach too. Now I think MAPPA is probably going to end this first half of the season with Eren and Pieck's "where is the enemy?" and the warriors arriving to Shiganshina 

I’m not sure right now so I’ll have to see for later episodes for the cut-off point, if it isn’t the Rumbling then it’ll be when Gabi shoots Eren

MOVIE

I'm conflicted. I'm sure they'll end at rumbling because it's the only reasonable point to cut it, but I feel like they're running out of episodes. Then again I'm feeling the same about the state of Manga, there's just too little chapters left to end things up well.

I don't really want to think too much about it, I just want to enjoy the anime lol

I fully expect 119 to be the end

What was the point of rushing Reiner's chapters if you are going to slow down later. Goddamn it MAPPA. 

It'll really depend on the pacing for the next couple episodes, but I'm with a bulk of the fandom that see Chapter 119 Two Brothers being the end point for The Final Season. IF they were to skip the opening and maybe the ending, I can see them transitioning from Eren's head getting blown off immediately into his transformation and the beginning of the Rumbling. But even that is quite farfetched. 

I have no idea, I'm a little worried now. Wouldn't be the first time a lot of content gets cut but if they insist on reaching ch. 122, I just don't see how you do that without butchering a lot. If that happens, it would probably lessen my enjoyment of the season.

Yeah, I think it will have a lot of cuts, but I believe that it will get there because Ymir falling in the tree was in the trailer

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

It's amazing seeing how each week, something with SnK trends! ^^

It still baffles me just how much people insist on hating Gabi, especially when her arc has shown tremendous growth in the manga. Reiner was no better than her when he was a child and continued to insist that Paradisians are devils and chose to further destroy their lives even after sleeping under the same roof as the 104th for 3 whole years and forming personal bonds with them. Yet, his actions are forgivable but Gabi's are not? Both characters have shown remorse for their former beliefs and misdeeds against Paradisians. Both realized that they were in the wrong. The characters have forgiven Gabi. Why can't y'all do the same? People who want Gabi to suffer are no better than they accuse her of being. 

Well done episode which managed to capture the emotions of sasha's death perfectly

monke

I really appreciate Gabi as a character. She has spunk and a strong character arc in which she changes and grows more than anyone in the last 30 chapters of the manga, save maybe Mikasa (ignoring how Eren, Reiner, Armin and maybe a few others changed during the timeskip). It makes me sad seeing people wishing for her to die and praising Floch and the others for kicking her.

Gabi absolutely deserves the hate she gets

I absolutely love to see the anime-onlies mass hate of GabBitch, does my heart good xD

Boring ,too much Gabi she is annoying

Time to strap in: wild ride ahead!

Gabi Braun is the WORST character, her arc was poorly written and the moment she kills Sasha solidifies her rightful place as most hated character

No development has made me stop hating Gabi. The wound of Sasha's death will ALWAYS overshadow any crocodile tears Gabi may cry.

Kudos to Jean's and Connie's voice actors. Emotions were so raw and natural.

so good! they're really nailing down the emotional beats so far!

Dialogue-heavy but still amazing! Also the music was great

I didn't felt anything when Sasha died. Even the first time, in the manga. She hasn't enough personnality for me to care. Erwin and Bertolt's death were more saddening for me. Stop hating Gabi. She was in grief and she did what Marley brainwashed her to. And Sasha killed people right in front of her, so…

1 chapter was too little to be adapted for an episode, you could tell some scenes were stretched to fit the runtime

The music they chose for the scene of Sasha passing was also the same music they used when the Survey Corps first donned their capes and Eren found out Marco was dead... man, that song is gonna hit harder than ever now

It didn’t help with the overwhelming amount of hate Gabi is getting. I hope Mappa does her justice because she’s a great character but the Anime only seem to hate her because its a “funny” “popular” thing but it really isn’t... shows who really is paying attention to the story and the people who are watching it because it’s popular and trendy 

People who are hating on Gabi do not understand the themes portrayed in AoT

Pretty solid overall. Wonderful bits of animation such as the ODM bits and the solid character acting from Sasha going down, Mikasa and Armin is distress, personal highlight being Gabi's reload animation. Good ost choices, nice addition of Samuel and Daz to foreshadow their conflict later on in the story, and great work from Connie, Gabi and Eren's VAs.

Friendly reminder that just because we hate Gabi does NOT mean we don't "understand" the story or themes. We just don't care because Gabi is a bad character.

U mad at Gabi for what she did ? Did she kill Potato girl for no reason? Imgine a kid, at least 3 years younger than the 104th, made fighting on WARS and praised for it, brainwashed by Marley that Paradisians are devils, and these devils came in her home, killing her friends and this WOMAN killed in front of her eyes two people who tried to protect her. Don't be mad at Gabi. Grieve for Sasha, okay, but stop hating Gabi. You're the worst when you do it

Hey Gabiatans: as long as you're not threatening the VA or other RL p olle, it's PERFECTLY fine to hate Gabi. Period. We don't have to like her, and it's not like we don't "understand" her just because we hate her. I "understand" a lot of Germans were forcibly coerced into joining the Nazi regime, but I don't have to pity then for any consequences that came for them.

Leviiiiiii

I was surprised that Mikasa and Armin crying over Sasha had no voice over. I thought it was still effective but I'm not sure if I prefer it. Other than that, the character animation was amazing this episode. Gabi's hands as she reloaded the rifle and Armin crying were my favorites. Overall, everything was pretty perfect and I love it when a chapter gets adapted in full with basically no cuts. One of the best episodes in the series and a proper send off for Sasha.

Wonderfully done episode! They truly did Gabi and Falco's perspectives justice. Also, seeing Eren's expressions and reactions in animated format was clarifying and super well done, too!

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 227 Responses

Thanks again to everyone who participated! 

[shutupandshipit]

Sharpen Your Blades - Ch.7

Summary: “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

The thinning of Aizawa’s patience was evident in the twitching of his brow. “If you stop asking questions, maybe I could finish explaining.

”With a huff and roll of his eyes, Katsuki glanced away from their coach.

“City Hall and the SC want us to give them more variety. We are a team solely made up of single skaters. Every year, we dominate the rankings for single skate while Shinketsu dominates the pairs, so this year both cities are being required to split their skaters evenly between singles and pairs with at least one pair coming from out top five.” There was a collective intake of breath, but no one commented, choosing instead to remain silent. “Unfortunately, for us, it’s a lot easier to switch from pairs to singles. With our male to female ratio, alpha/beta/omega ratio, and those of you actually experienced with pair skating, we’re at a disadvantage. So, I’ve decided to choose your partners for you.”

…..

Or where Katsuki and Izuku are forced to be partners so they can continue to compete, but the blood in the water may be thicker than anyone realized.

Pairing: Bakudeku

Rating: T

Chapter: 7/20

Previously <- Chapter 6: Something about cats and bags

Chapter 8: First Snows -> Next

Chapter 7: Catch

“Making their debut, our first place winners are still unofficial as they haven’t presented yet, but we cannot wait until they do! When they go official, they are going to dominate the competition! So, without further adieu, coming in first place, we have Bakugou Katsuki as lead and Midoriya Izuku as follow! Let’s give these two youngsters a round of applause!”

The announcer’s voice rang distantly in Izuku’s ears. With his anxiety and panic and excitement all mixed together, his heartbeat raced and his face burned. Katsuki’s heat pressed into his side, the back of his neck and shoulders, didn’t help the situation. The thud of his heartbeat in his ears was nearly deafening in the already loud rink. All of the applause and shouting voices and whistling was echoed and amplified by the dome.

Gold medals and pretty red ribbons were hung around their necks. Just another sensation that Izuku’s overstimulated mind struggled to incorporate.

Dizzy nausea swirled over him. The announcer moved on to the second and third place winners, but his mind didn’t stop spinning.

He was only seven. He didn’t know how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way yet, but he knew how to act like he did. It was one of the first things he’d learned how to do when his father started to disappear for longer and longer stretches of time, and his mom couldn’t hold in her grief around him anymore.

While his smile remained firmly in place, he felt himself sway just slightly.

Katsuki’s arm tightened across his shoulders, holding him upright even as his knees turned to jelly beneath him. “Almost done. Then we can go home and watch tv.” His voice was quieter, much quieter than the cacophony around them, but Izuku heard him clear as day. Just like always. Just like it was one of Katsuki’s superpowers. “Can you make it?”

“I can make it,” Izuku told him, and though he wasn’t sure if he was being truthful, he knew Katsuki would make sure it was the truth in the end.

…..

October Week 4

Aizawa stood at the entrance to the rink, but unlike nearly a month ago when Izuku had been on the same side as him, he was on the ice this time. Their coach pinched the bridge of his nose while he waited for them to form up and shut up, brows pulled close together as if he had a headache. It was early in training for him to have a headache though, so Izuku thought that someone else must have caused it this time.

The team quieted down faster than the time before.

Izuku could almost taste their anxiety on the air. Or maybe that was just his own.

“Alright,” Aizawa started, not lifting his head, but cracking his eyes open to stare at the ice, “Who’s seen the news today?” Several hands went up, one of them Izuku’s. “How many of you stuck around to watch the sports section?” All hands dropped, even Izuku’s. The only sport he cared about was figure skating, and the news rarely covered it, even in their city. “Right, so, I’m not sure who let it slip, but somehow the media got ahold of the news that we and Shiketsu are splitting our teams this year.”

Izuku squirmed, remembering Mirio’s words. After a moment, he raised his hand. “Um, Mr. Aizawa, I think I might know something.” Heat rose in his face as all attention swung his way, but he pushed on. “Mirio asked me to verify the rumor last week. I didn’t agree or disagree, but…”

“But you’re shit at lying, so he knew right away,” Katsuki snapped, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the wall. “The kids I teach also asked me about it last week.”

“Right,” Izuku mumbled, “Well, he said that someone had given him the information. Maybe there’s a leak in the SC?”

Releasing a heavy sigh, Aizawa scrubbed a hand through his hair. “That seems likely. While it’s not going to cause us much of a problem, it might in the coming weeks. You all know how it gets as the season ramps up to the Preliminaries. Keep an eye out for each other. This stunt that the SC is pulling might make things worse, especially when the other teams start to flood in. I’m not worried about the teams themselves, but fans can get crazy. Try not to be out and about on your own if you can help it. Any of you. Yes, I’m talking to you Bakugou. Just because you’re an alpha doesn’t mean idiots aren’t going to try challenging you for being Midoriya’s partner. Keep your heads up, keep them on straight, and don’t do anything stupid. Got it?”

“Yes,” the team called in unison.

“Good. Shiketsu and we are going to be releasing a joint statement concocted by the SC with the names of the skaters who are transitioning between pairs and singles tomorrow, so you can expect to be recognized more than usual in the next few days.” They all groaned, but Aizawa simply waved away their complaints. “Whatever. Pairs, we’re going for large tricks on ice today. Stretch out well. Warm-up. Meet me on the south side of the rink in fifteen. The rest of you, you’ll be with Toshinori and Yamada today. Get going.” Aizawa turned towards the three coaches behind him, mouth set in an irritated line.

Izuku’s throat began to close as the five pairs, Todoroki and Ashido pushed off towards the south side of the rink. Panic leaked from him, and it was all he could do to keep it out of his scent.

Despite that, he still caught Katsuki turning his head to glance over his shoulder at him, but stopping briefly before he could turn all the way. After a second, he turned back forward. Could Katsuki smell it on him even through his blockers? Even though he was trying to force it down? Was he that obvious or did Katsuki just have a strong nose?

Fifteen minutes was far too short of a time to calm anxiety like Izuku’s.

Aizawa was waiting for them when Iida’s watch chimed the end of their warm-up period, and the twelve of them clustered around him and Ishiyama. “We’re going to do one team as a time to keep the ice clear. Ishiyama and I are going to act as spotters, but the ten who will be against the wall need to be alert as well. We’ll be up close and may miss a subtle indication of a fall. So, if you see something, say something or even jump in. I’d rather you get in the middle and it be for nothing than for someone to get hurt. This is mostly directed to those with pair work, but this also goes for everyone else as well.”

Aizawa’s eyes lingered on Katsuki longer than any of the others. He wasn’t surprised. Katsuki was a strong alpha with a long history of pair work. It would make sense for Aizawa to rely on Katsuki, even if it was just a subconscious reaction from the older man’s omega. Even still, the thought had Izuku’s own omega raising his hackles.

‘We don’t have a claim on him!’ Izuku reprimanded, but his omega wasn’t listening.

Aizawa pointed at Izuku. “Midoriya, Todoroki, you’re up first since you’ve got the most difficult tricks. After that, we’ll go through groups in descending order of difficulty. Let’s go, you two.” He turned on a blade, gliding out further onto the ice.

Izuku wanted to throw up.

“Midoriya?” Todoroki’s voice was quiet and gentle, just as gentle as the hand that settled on his shoulder. “Are you alright? Do you need another moment?”

Jumping, Izuku shrugged out from beneath the other omega’s hand with a wide fake smile. “I’m fine! I’m good! Totally a-okay! Let’s get going before Mr. Aizawa gets angry.” He shoved away from the wall sharply, ignoring every set of eyes he could feel boring into his back. He just needed to calm down. Calm down. Calm down. He’d completed every trick off ice multiple times with no screw ups. There was no reason he shouldn’t be able to do it on ice.

Which, of course, was a lie. The ice was a completely different environment than the studio with a host of different factors to consider. So many extra factors to consider.

All he needed to do was forget about them. It seemed counter-intuitive, especially for his ever analyzing mind, but it was the only thing he’d found off ice that allowed him to perform as he should. He just needed to allow his body to move on muscle memory. If he didn’t think, then his mind couldn’t overreact which meant neither could his body.

It was going to work. It had to work.

Todoroki followed after him. The distance was small, but significant. “What do you want us to start with?” he asked.

“Your overhead lifts have been the most solid off ice, so I want you to start with that first. Take it slow. Don’t rush. One step at a time. Plant your feet, make sure you have a solid foundation and a good grip. Once you’re sure of those, then attempt the lift. If something feels off, just abort and return to the ice. Don’t get hurt trying to force it.”

Lifts were the simplest pair trick in Izuku’s opinion. It required strength and balance, but not much else. He didn’t have to think during a lift. All he had to do was not move once Todoroki had him overhead. He could do that. He could manage a lift on ice. There was nothing to them. Lifts were easy. Lifts were easy. Lifts were easy. Lift were-

High.

Izuku shook his head rapidly to clear the intrusive thoughts from his mind. He made himself smile even wider as the three stared at him. “Sure! A lift will be a cinch.”

Aizawa’s eyes narrowed as he glared at izuku, but after a moment, he just sighed. “Alright. Take a round to gain momentum. Don’t attempt the lift until you’re back here and see us in position. You can begin your setup once you’ve reached the other side.”

“Sure thing!” Izuku chirped. He pushed off and waited for Todoroki to fall into sync with him before spreading up.

Just like Aizawa had instructed, they waited until they’d made it to the other side of the rink, skirting the edge of the other group, before beginning the setup for the lift. Izuku slid out in front of Todoroki, turning to face him after a moment. He pulled Todoroki along as the other omega planted his feet and gripped Izuku’s waist.

“Almost there. Ready?” he asked, voice ripped away by the rush of air passed Izuku’s ears, but he recognized the words on his lips.

‘Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.’ Izuku nodded.

Two dark blurs came up on either of their sides, and then he was above Todoroki’s head, the omega’s small hand digging into his abdomen as he quickly shifted into position. For a moment, his mind was blank. There was just the beating of his heart, the cold air biting into his cheeks. He started to reach back for his blade.

Then he glanced down. The panic he’d managed to suppress flooded back into his body in an icy wave.

His body seized before going limp, mind going as blank as his vision.

…..

Izuku absolutely reeked of putrid acidic anxiety as they warmed up. It was worse than usual, more potent. Each time Katsuki passed him, he got a whiff of his scent. Putrid like sewage or a rotting body. Acidic like vomit or ammonia. All undercut by suppressants that made him smell almost chemically scentless. All together, it was an unpleasant scent, and it only grew stronger each time he passed Izuku.

It made his stomach curdle and his alpha pace restlessly. ‘Protect. Comfort. Omega distressed. Protect. Comfort.’

‘That’s not my place,’ Katsuki through bitterly, but that thought was quickly replaced by another, ‘Not yet at least.’ Not yet. That was a true enough thought. Not yet, but one day he’d earn that right.

Katsuki didn’t know how the others didn’t smell it, how the other omegas weren’t plastered to his sides in an attempt to calm him. That was how other groups of omegas operated. If an omega was unmated, it fell to their pack mates to calm and reassure them, especially pack mates of the same secondary gender.

The same was true of alphas. Katsuki couldn’t count how many times his alpha pack mates (specifically friends like Kirisihima and Ashido) had pulled him aside to get his head on straight. To calm him when he fell into a panic attack during competition.

Those had started when he was twelve, and they’d never really gone away. Luckily, they only affected him during high stress situations like the competitive season, but he was still lucky to have people there to help him unlike when he’d been younger. When he’d been alone in his own head.

That was what pack mates were for. So it bothered Katsuki more than he’d ever let on that neither Icy Hot nor Uraraka made an attempt to calm Izuku. He wanted to yell at them. He wanted to make them pay attention to the real issue at hand rather than ice skating. An anxiety riddled Izuku was an Izuku prone to mistakes. If they were doing the big shit for practice, they needed to take care of Izuku first.

Leaning back against the wall, Katsuki felt his own anxiety leaking into his veins. Kirishima wasn’t there that time to bring him back down though, and so his heart galloped forward unhindered.

When Izuku and Todoroki pushed off towards the singles’ side of the rink, Katsuki stood up straight. When they turned towards each other and prepared for the lift, he dropped his arms to his sides. When they rounded back towards their side and their coaches flanked them, he dug his toe-pic into the ice. Izuku’s face was pinched in concentration, but there was also that ever present fear as he was lifted off the ice.

Katsuki moved before Todoroki had completed the lift. He wouldn’t have been able to explain what spurred him forward. Maybe there was a slight shift in Izuku’s scent from scared to terrified. Maybe there was a twitch in his expression. Maybe the light dimmed in his eyes.

Whatever it was, Katsuki was there before anyone had realized something was going wrong, catching the omega as soon as Todoroki’s arm collapsed from Izuku’s dead weight. Katsuki only managed to keep them from tumbling backwards by digging his toe-pic into the ice harshly.

The silence in the rink was deafening. After a moment of labored breathing as his heart began to slow, he realized that the rink was as loud as ever, he just couldn’t hear it passed the rush of blood in his ears. All of his attention was focused on the man huddled in his arms, nails digging into his bicep and panting breaths hot against his shirt. Izuku’s eyes were screwed shut.

Slowly, sound returned to Katsuki though he would have been happy for a few more moments of white noise.

“What just happened?”

“How did you do that?”

“Midoriya, Todoroki, are you alright?

“We should get them off the ice.”

“Where’s Ms. Shuzenji? Someone go get the doctor!”

“What happened!”

“Shut up,” Katsuki snarled. It was the only sound he could make that wouldn’t portray just how shaken he was. He could feel the trembling in his hands, in his arms, all covered by how badly Izuku was shaking. He was shaking like a lead in the wind, nose buried against Katsuki’s chest. “Stop fucking yelling. Nobody got hurt.”

There was a sharp hysterical laugh from somewhere close by, and Katsuki wasn’t sure, but he thought that it was possibly Ashido.

“Yes, but someone could have been.” That was Aizawa, voice deep and monotone. Lifting his eyes, their coach stood beside them, soothing black tea scent snaking out as his hand clasped Izuku’s shoulder. “That could have gone very badly.”

Katsuki didn’t say anything in return, arms tightening around Izuku instead.

The feel of Aizawa’s hand seemed to snap Izuku out of his own head, and he blinked rapidly at Katsuki’s chest. “W-what happened?” he whispered, fingers easing up and nails coming away red with blood. His movement grew faster, and he frantically pushed out of Katsuki’s hold. “What happened? I was- Todoroki- How-”

“You fucking freaked out and I had to catch your dumbass!” Katsuki spat viciously and angrily, temper rising the longer he was given to process the whole incident. “And you know what? Fuck that shit! That’s the last time you fucking practice with anyone other than me!”

Izuku sputtered wordlessly, cheeks going pink and scent growing sweeter as they stared at each other. After a moment, he squeaked, “Really?”

The change in his scent only pushed Katsuki on. “Yes! If you’re going to get fucking dropped, it’s going to be by me because at least I’ll be able to fucking catch you!” He pushed roughly through the crowd towards the rink entrance. Only when he made it off the ice did he recognize the tightness in his chest, the shortness of his breath, the heat beneath his skin. Bile burned at the back of his throat.

Kirishima’s arm slid over his shoulders, a gesture that would look like familiarity to any of the others, but was really a means to keep him from faltering as he walked. “I’ve got you man. Let’s go outside for a breath,” he said under his breath, guiding Katsuki towards the side exit that faced a small thatch of trees. A place for him to either freak out or wretch in peace.

Not for the very first time, but for the first time in awhile, Katsuki was thankful that his friend knew how to read him like an open book.

[dailyexo]

[INTERVIEW] EXO - 191213 Billboard: “EXO Talk 'Obsession’ Album & Future: 'I Hope that the Name of EXO Can Grow’”

"It’s been seven years since EXO arrived with 2012's MAMA EP, and since then the boy band has spent much of its time atop of the South Korean music scene, with hits like 2013’s “Growl" and 2015’s “Love Me Right” setting them up as a dominant act throughout much of Asia. Last month, they unveiled their sixth LP, Obsession, ending the year -- and the decade -- with both a new sound and a hint towards what the future will bring for the men of EXO.

Fronted by a lead single also dubbed “Obsession,” the 10-track album is bookended by Korean and Chinese versions of the song, which turns the group towards hip-hop-inspired sampling and an intense Auto-tuning, blending their more typical R&B and electro-pop styling with musical elements that at first seem anachronistic and jarring. But it’s the perfect way to set up the story they’re trying to tell.

For EXO, the majority of their musical releases have been tied into fictive narratives revolving around the members and fantastical, sci-fi plot lines, ranging from the extraterrestrial to the supernatural. For Obsession, which peaked at No. 198 on the Billboard 200 chart dated Dec. 14, EXO presented oppositional sides to themselves through a series of teaser images and videos ahead of the album’s release, setting up an epic battle between EXO and their X-EXO clones, which played out in the music video for their single. The song’s apparent disjointment on first listen is meant to go alongside the visual elements, representing a dialogue between the two warring parties.

“Honestly, when we look into a song we think about what kind of performance will work and whether a song will fit the kind of performance we want to put on,” Kai tells Billboard. “So when we heard this song, we thought it was a really good fit in the sense that for the Auto-Tune it matched the idea of the two different EXOs, EXO and X-EXO. The Auto-Tune kind of gives us the vibe of communication between the two different parties having a conversation, so it was a very specific move that we took.” He said he thinks EXO will win the fight, eventually, “Because anytime you watch a movie or read a comic the hero does win. X-EXO is temporary so they’re going to disappear anyway.”

The idea behind the storylines that EXO utilizes to promote their music is to better get their music across to fans -- known collectively as EXO-L -- and also to better relay content in the age of digital media, where visuals are just as important as audio elements. It’s been something the group has been utilizing since their earliest days, and each member has supernatural powers associated with them that often are featured in their branding. “We’re not just a group that sings and dances,” says Chanyeol. “For people watching us, of course they know the storylines are fake. But like watching a movie, it's another way for people to fall for us more deeply. It gives people a back story about how we were formed. Our storyline isn't just incorporated into our music or videos, but it's incorporated really well into our concerts as well. We do feel that it really allows people to become properly immersed.”

Kai and Chanyeol are two of six EXO members that participated in the album, alongside Baekhyun, Chen, Sehun, and Suho, following the enlistment of Xiumin and D.O. in South Korea’s military, fulfilling the country’s mandatory draft requirements, and Lay focusing on a solo career in China. The six other members are expected to similarly enlist and take temporary hiatuses from the industry in the near future.

The new dynamic has given EXO’s members opportunities to explore different sides of themselves, and Chanyeol says that it’s also opened their eyes to how they work together and cover for one another in case of any issues. Each member "has to pull their weight so whether in singing or dance, there are parts that won’t be hidden,” he says. “It would be a really big problem [if we made a mistake] because it would be really obvious.” For Suho, who is EXO’s leader, the diminishing numbers makes him reflective. “The fact that we’re unable to perform with all the members is a little bit sad, so when we look at old videos we do feel like, ‘Oh, there are a lot of members in the group’ and we’d like to come together as a full group.”

As all able-bodied South Korean men are expected to take time off from their lives to fulfill the country’s draft requirements, EXO knows it will be seeing more such changes in the near future, and the act will likely not look the way it once did for sometime. But rather than dwell on the past, the men of EXO are looking towards the future, and 2019 saw many of them work on alternative projects, where it was releasing solo music, such as Chen, Baekhyun, Xiumin, and D.O., or working with new units, like Sehun and Chanyeol’s EXO-SC and Baekhyun and Kai in SuperM, along with numerous other professional activities. “We’ve received so much love for our units and solo projects, but at the end of the day the most important thing is the team and group’s performances,” says Baekhyun. “The fact that we’re able to show all these different sides to us also allows us to show different sides of EXO as a group and show how diverse we are, and how each of us have our own talents.”

When asked how they feel about their career over the past decade and what they hope for the future, Chanyeol responds that the members of EXO feel that they’re focusing on the present and facing each moment on its own. “To be honest, when we do interviews when we’re working we realize that as a group we’ve become very comfortable. Rather than us having to go out of our way to go do something, it’s become very natural for us. It’s grown with time and come naturally, this sense of maturity.”

Though EXO and X-EXO battle it out over the Obsession album, the duality of the release is also reflected in the members’ struggles to explore their identities as individuals beyond the act: how to be both a member of EXO and a man in his own right. As EXO have grown in their career, they have also grown up: youngest member Sehun debuted as a teenager but is now 25-years-old. Unfortunately ill on the day of the interview, he was silent throughout much of the discussion and his health hung over the act like a cloud, with frequent references to how, as they get older, they need to take care of themselves better. “These days, seeing that our physical health is part of our workload, I feel that a healthy life, health in general, is very important,” says Baekhyun. “Rather than thinking about more of what we can do to grow as a group, I feel that we all have begun to focus on seeking individual happiness. Right now, a lot of our focus is on how each person is able to find their own happiness and health, and use that when we come together as a group to move in the right direction.”

Suho echoes this, saying that their branching out as individuals beyond the group is a way to take care of themselves as individuals after years of focusing on the collective well-being. “In the past, EXO’s schedule didn’t allow a lot of individual talents to be focused on but starting from the beginning of this year we were given the time to really focus on ourselves, whether it was internally or externally. It’s not just us as a group, but I think everybody needs that kind of self-care. It was good for everybody.”

Even as they focus on themselves, the group is still the focal point of EXO’s identity. “We came together, got very close, and without the passion that we had as a group I don’t think we would have made it as far as we have come,” reflects Baekhyun. “When it comes to being satisfied, as people I think that we’re never 100% satisfied.” This passion towards improving and always seeking something closer and closer to perfection, but recognizing that is impossible and that there is always something more to be done, is emphasized by the members’ responses when asked what their obsessions are: Kai says he’s a workaholic, and Chanyeol says his competitive nature is to the degree that it could be considered an obsession. (Meanwhile, Baekhyun’s obsessed with games, and Kai jokes that Sehun is obsessed with alcohol, as it is well-known he’s one of the group’s members who enjoys drinking.)

One place where Chanyeol at the very least is satisfied in is EXO’s music. “When it comes to our music, I’m 100% confident that we release quality music,” he says with pride. “It’s almost like we’re not following trends but we don’t fall back behind either.” He and Sehun tried to push their artistic side in a new direction with EXO-SC’s What a Life EP in July, and there was a bit of a negative response from some fans over the title song’s music video, which featured the pair partying it up with female dancers. But he says it’s all good, as there’s no moving forward without trying new things, and it’s always good to hear differing opinions. “We wanted to do something drastically different. You could say it was so completely different from what EXO typically releases. It was a very dramatic challenge for us, and even though there was some backlash from fans, for me personally it was a big motivating factor, that I need to show more new sides and that there are many new challenges to take on.”

It’s important to EXO that their audience takes in all the different sides to themselves that they have to offer, and Chen says he hopes that listeners recognize that there’s a difference between an artist releasing a single and an album. “If you listen to the whole album beyond ‘Obsession,’ you’ll recognize that all of the songs are good,” he says; his personal favorite is “Groove.” “I feel that there is a tendency that people just listen to the title track, but it would be really great if people can listen to the whole album because every song is really great.”

Moving forward, EXO knows they’re shifting into a new era of their career, but they express a desire to always remain as one. “I hope that EXO is able to continue just the way it does right now, but beyond the group I hope that each individual member is able to find his own happiness,” says Baekhyun. “We may not go on music performance shows all the time in 10 years, but we hope that we can release albums here and there. In that we can all live our own lives and come together, happily, as a group.” He pauses, and adds with a wry expression, “I think that in 10 years, hopefully we’ll be able to release something like a ballad or an R&B-heavy song where we can just stand around rather than dance.” Other members quickly jump in and refute this though. “That’s not EXO’s thoughts, that’s Baekhyun’s thoughts,” Sehun says with a laugh, while Chanyeol adds that he hopes EXO is “a very cool group” 10 years down the road; Kai adds that he would like to continue dancing as long as his body allows for it.

“As time passes, like our members, our fans are going to start pursuing their own lives as well,” says Kai. “As they fall into their own lives, when they suddenly have a thought of EXO, I hope that one thought that comes to their mind is, ‘It was a really good memory being their fan.’” Suho echoes this, repeating “A good memory” in English with a nod of his head. Baekhyun agrees with this desire for their time together with fans to be thought of warmly, but follows up with the suggestion that the idea of being a memory, while heartwarming, is limiting. “I really hope that we aren’t a group that is remembered as a group that’s part of the past, because when you think of that you think about these groups that don’t really promote and they don’t really do anything as a team. I hope that, whether individually or as a group, we continue to promote and that the name of EXO can continue to grow.”"

Photo links: 1

Credit: Billboard.

[kdtheghostwriter]

SNK #128 - Seeing Shadows

That’s bad, right?

There were some semantic debates regarding what exactly Hange meant when they said, “Humanity is out of time!” I think it’s clear now that humanity has no more time for them to be indecisive. Eren is on the march, and even if he settles for destroying everything on the Marley continent, that’s a massive loss of civilization and one you simply can’t live with if you think of yourself as a hero. The look on their faces tells the story. It’s no longer about saving the world; it’s about saving what’s left.

How much is left depends on how quickly they move, but it’s not as easy as mounting up the troops. Eren and his Colossal Army are across the ocean now. They’ve had at least one full day to march and probably more since the previous chapter’s events around the campfire. Think about how long it takes for a plane to cross an ocean. Not a full day. Their best bet is commandeering Miss Kiyomi’s special aircraft powered by the mysterious Iceburst Stone. Before they do that, we have to pause for another episode of the worst show in the world: This Floching Guy.

As much I have advocated for Eren to be accepted as the new villain – praising Isayama for turning the Face/Heel dichotomy upside down as it pertains to Reiner – those two, even in their most vile moments, still have their fans. There is no guesswork with Floch Forster. He’s predatory, conniving, authoritarian and mean-spirited. Above all of that, he’s a cocky little shit in a way that even Kenny Ackerman would have scoffed at. He’s the antagonist to the characters we’ve followed for ten years now, but in his own mind they brazenly oppose him, which is where the title of this chapter ‘Traitor’ becomes important.

 For the last four years, Eldia has been ruled by deft slight of hand. In spirit, Historia Reiss, the rightful heir to the throne, has reclaimed her birthright. In reality, she retired to run an orphanage while the three branches of military have taken control of the government and all proceedings. Eren’s mission to Liberio as well as the counterattack from Marley’s Warrior Unit caused a vacuum to appear that was quickly occupied by the Jaegerist Faction. They now control the government and in extension all facets of Paradisian society. So what do you call a group of AWOL soldiers that are conspiring to sabotage your one method of security?

Traitors. Villains. Monsters.

They’re killing your friends and attacking your home. They’ve infiltrated your ranks and betrayed your trust. Thousands of innocent people dead just for the sake of completing their mission.

This week I learned that many people viewed Bertolt’s death as karmic in some way. I never saw it like that at all. His death at Armin’s hands was a necessary evil. Necessary certainly, but it was evil. It doesn’t make the 104th evil for carrying out the deed. It just happened to be the most brutal death in the series even if it wasn’t the most graphic. Bert is left defenseless as his powers are forcibly taken from him. He calls for his former comrades only to realize none of them will help. Then he calls for Reiner, his best friend who barely escaped with his own life. He dies a lonely, agonizing death.

“Who the hell wants to kill innocent people?!”

Who knows how long this question has been haunting Armin’s waking thoughts? There is evidence to suggest that the once bold Survey Corps veteran who was willing to sacrifice his life to help Eren take down the Colossal has been hampered by his successor’s timid nature. Ever since he acquired his powers, he’s always attempted to seek non-violent resolution. I don’t see this as simple naivety.

If you were given a power as destructive as his, where you are capable of destroying a town by simply calling upon it, why would you ever use it? Why would you ever want to? I grow uncomfortable with the amount of voices in the fandom concern trolling the 104th and their refusal to spill the blood of their neighbors. They’ve fought alongside or trained with most of these people. Why should they be expected to kill them like nameless drones? Even if it is necessary, why are they not allowed to mourn the choice?

Characters like these that we’ve known from almost the beginning. They know nothing of the outside world other than it’s filled with people that want them dead. Eren Jaeger is their best chance at keeping their society alive and these people they lived and fought and suffered with want to impede that and doom them. Samuel and Daz are soldiers, too. Forget for a moment that they’re opposing the main characters. Why would they let this happen?

 I digress, though. This point is more about Bert and his exit from the story. It came at the end of a fierce battle that saw the SC expend all of their resources and most of their man power. The fact that they came away with even one shifter’s power is a small miracle. The characters can be excused then for watching, unfeeling, as their former teammate is eaten alive. Now the shoe is on the other foot. Armin has been mortally wounded and the one vehicle that can get them to Marley in time is about to be destroyed. Before Daz can do this, he is stopped by Armin who is delirious but regenerating. Before he can deal the fatal blow, Connie wrestles the gun away from Samuel and shoots them both.

The mission continues.

One could say that it’s overkill perhaps. How many times must the 104th learn the hard lesson? Even Annie made reference to the fact that the Warriors plan was being criticized with no alternative. If they spot them, the mission fails. If the ship is blown, the mission fails. If they Azumabito clan is destroyed, the mission fails. All of these facts are true and the current best way to keep any of that from happening is to fight and kill the Jaegerists. It’s remarkably easy to say, but then they are the ones who have to live with choices made.

 No one should ever have to “get used to” the idea of killing…well anyone but especially not people you partnered with. Bert’s inclusion in this moment was no accident. It isn’t just because Armin inherited his mental likeness. This is the closest they have come to understanding the impossible position he was forced into four long years ago. Only this time, it’s Samuel who is scared and confused.

You can disagree with Samuel’s point of view but what Connie does next is by definition an act of treason. He shoots two members of his own combat unit and defies a direct order from a commanding officer. We know that the commanding officer is a sociopath and we know that following orders means being an accessory to genocide. But that genocide is the only thing keeping that island alive. That island has been the only home Samuel and Daz have ever known. They deserve as much as anyone, an explanation instead of a bullet to the face. But this is what happens isn’t it?

I love Metal Gear Solid for a number of reasons, but chief above them is the series protagonist, Solid Snake. In the flagship game, he is introduced to us as a super soldier engineered for battle that is pulled out of retirement to thwart his twin brother’s plans of nuclear destruction. This game is one of the few of its kind that can be completed without killing a single enemy. You are rewarded for your stealth. Because, you see, Snake the character is a pacifist at heart. He doesn’t want to do this, but he’s the only one who can. It’s a solo mission, so running and gunning almost always fails and if you kill too many people, the action hero main character becomes sick.

You see, because, these choices aren’t made lightly. They ripple and they matter. The 104th kids aren’t acting high and mighty, lording their moral values over the heads of those that betrayed them. They genuinely hate doing this. From your mouth you say, “We have to save the world,” but when you arrive you are told, “We have to kill these people.” For once they would like to preserve peace without additional death and I don’t think they should be scolded for that wish.

  Stray Thoughts

- Wasn’t all that impressed by Magath’s little speech, especially considering what came before it. It’s a change of heart, yes, but not from a genuine place. When faced with the reality of his homeland being flattened, and the futility of his current position, he immediately goes back to torture. Yelena is callous in her own right but she did nothing to warrant the violence. He’s lashing out and I don’t shed tears for him.

- Onyankapon on the other hand. What a guy. He resets the joint in Yelena’s arm and crafts a splint to keep it in place. He has no powers, but you would want this guy on your team during the end of the world.

- Reiner finally puts the pieces together here. “I’m just like you,” Eren says and like Eren, Reiner moves to protect his former teammates from making this impossible choice. It’s a noble gesture and one I respect. There’s no going back for him. He has far too much blood on his hands. That he recognizes that is a strong moment for the character.

- Armin and Connie’s plan wasn’t a bad one. If nothing else, it bought time enough for Annie and Reiner to get into position. If they had attacked outright, the plane likely would have been destroyed. Some people are frustrated with them but honestly, go read Berserk if that’s the case.

- East Sea Gang rise up! Mikasa in combat is still an absolute treat. And Floch gives us an example of this faction’s greatest flaw. You know; besides the nationalist framework they are founded upon. Floch is the most experienced soldier they have and when Floch Forster is your best fighter, your team sucks. Mikasa Ackerman was worth 100 soldiers as rookie. As an adult soldier, she is easily worth two Jaegerist groups put together. Kiyomi is clearly capable, but she also took advantage of Floch’s arrogance in the moment.

- Credit to Reiner and Annie for hitting their cue. I wondered what it would be like having them in this group but it seems like for the purposes it should work.

[queerchoicesblog]

Ghost of You (SC Titanic, Zetta x Adele)

So this is my very first SC Titanic fanfic: I am excited to post it and well I suppose I should warn you that probably Zetta x Adele fictions will be rather long as this love story features themes that are very dear and meaningful to me, such as 1. well, obviously the Titanic story, 2. references to beginning of the century cinema (love very old and b&w movies), 3. sapphism and 4. femminism/suffragette movement. It’s basically everything I could have ever asked for. The Gentleman Jack fans out there might find a reference here...

So here I tried to imagine what brought Zetta to write that little note to Adele after basically disappearing. Loved that scene and I had to try and portray her turmoil, her missing Adele but also, as any historical lesbian (maybe not only historical), fearing the strings of society and their effect on their love and her beloved suffragette. Hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I quoted some pieces of dialogue from the original book

Word Count: 2555

Zetta x Adele Tag: @marmolady @animus-and-anima @hayley-carter19 @escako @everlastingchoices @andrxrneda @aestheticsayeed @eleanorwaverrley @indescribablechoices @ahrielstuff @lvcley @nazario-sayeed

________________________

Two rapid knocks on the door then:

“Are you there, doll? Can I come in?”

Richard’s voice abruptly brought Zetta’s back to reality, involuntarily making her jump in her seat.  She blinked twice as if wakingg from a dream and took a quick look around. She couldn’t recall how long she had been sitting at her vanity lost in her thoughts with a brush in her hand. She just couldn’t focus that day as she was haunted by memories of the past. But Richard didn’t have to know, mustn’t have to know. She put down the brush and quickly fixed her hair before adjusting her robe to limit the skin exposure to the minimum: after all, they weren’t married yet…and her heart didn’t belong to Mr. King. Only after that, she answered loud enough to be heard on the other side of the ebony door:

“Sure, darling”

She resumed her interrupted makeup session, pretending to be fully taken by that routine that didn’t bring her the usual joy anymore. She looked at herself in the mirror and put on a practiced smile: it would have been enough to fool her fiancé.

Richard entered her boudoir and theatrically opened his arms as a seasoned professional: he mentioned that he started as an actor before becoming a stellar director.

“My love, every time I see you I’m completely blinded by your beauty. You’re the brightest star in the sky, even brighter than Venus itself” he said moving closer and kneeling beside her chair.

“…And you’re gonna be the most radiant woman at the party tonight. The belle of the ball, la plus belle” he added, courtly taking her free hand and placing a kiss on her knuckles.

He looked up at her with a dashing smile.

“Trés charmant, Richard…but are you done with poetry?” she smirked, retrieving her hand and resuming her previous core.

“Ah, la belle dame sans merci!” Richard exclaimed before falling back to the floor holding a hand on his chest.

“Silly” Zetta laughed and she was soon joined by Richard who stood again and leaned on her table.

“I can’t help it around you, doll, apologies” he shrugged, flashing her another smile.

Zetta had to summon all her acting expertise not to cringe at “doll”. She hated it when every fiber of her being when Richard -or any other men- called her “doll”. Even her first director called her so, even her husband…doll, as if that was all she was to them: a beautiful toy, maybe a collectible but not truly a woman. Not truly Zetta.

Instead, she mirrored his smile and threw him a quick look before methodically applying some rouge on her cheek.

“So, what are you dying to say that can’t wait?”

“Seeing you isn’t a reasonable excuse?”

Richard was a charming man, without doubt. He wasn’t a bad man or so it seemed to her but she had been deceived by men who swore to only want the best for her that it was hardly possible for Zetta to fully trust any of them. And a man could have never won her heart.

As she flashed him just one of her enigmatic smile, he spoke again:

“Fine, you got me: I just wanted to see you and to remind you that our producers are expecting us at Rao’s for dinner in an hour. We should leave soon” he gave an apologetic smile and lowered his voice to a whisper. “Will we be there in time?”

“We will, I promise you” Zetta confirmed then made a show of shooing him away. “Now shoo, call Sabine and let me get dressed or else we will be late”

Richard raised his arms in surrender, laughing. Then he pressed a kiss on the crown of her head.

“I’ll get off of your hair, doll”

Zetta resumed her makeup as Richard moved towards the door. He was halfway out when

“Oh I almost forgot! I spoke to Alan yesterday and he loved the movie: the story of the two sisters reunited in the midst of chaos on the sinking ship is just perfect, so heart-warming-“

“Yes, it truly is heart-warming” Zetta commented, losing focus again.

“The story is real, right? You met at least one of them on board, didn’t you?”

Zetta’s voice lowered as memories started surfacing back.

“Yes, we were…rather close”

“If they survived, we should track them down and invite them at the movie: it would be great if they could talk to the press. Journalists love stories like this: I can see the headlines alrea-“

“We’ll see, Richard. Now please go call Sabine”

She tried to keep her voice from betraying her feelings, but she could feel a rush of anger surging. She would have never handed the Carrem sisters and such a private and tragic moment of their lives to those shameless sharks who go under the name of journalists. The subtle hint of heartbreak and they prey the unfortunate victims like vultures over a corpse: they wouldn’t stop until they had dissected those aching hearts, leaving them to bleed out. No, she would have done everything in her power to prevent this.

The story she wrote down when asked to bring the grim fate of the Titanic on the big screen was fiction: inspired by true facts but fiction. Zetta was smart enough to know that life and fiction are two separate things and that an edulcorated tale of those most tragic hours was all the world could take: the people of New York, who weren’t there that night, would have been overwhelmed by the real story.

Still, when she sat at her desk and started writing a draft of the script her mind immediately turned to…Adele.

She didn’t even notice Richard leaving the room as the silhouette of Miss Carrem clouded her thoughts. Finally alone, her face fell and she shut her eyes as if to prevent the memory from fading away.

Adele, most gracious, fearless Adele…

Her lips curled into a sad smile as she reminisced their first meeting. She was sitting in her suite smoking and listening to James making some pointless speech when the door opened and Teo stepped in followed by Adele. She had the beauty of a Greek goddess and the look of someone who was going through a lot. She clearly felt out of place among finely dressed first-class passengers in the lavish room but she kept her head high. Zetta remembered feeling the urge to know what troubled her but she put on her mask, the sardonic film star ever out of reach. And then…was it a brave move or just an insane one? Adele told her of her arrest, of prison. Everyone else would have hidden from her, a new employer and Zetta Serda…not Adele. She handed her everything she needed to destroy her life as if it was no big deal. Zetta was taken aback and searched her green eyes for any sign of mockery but find none: the stranger girl truly trusted her with her life. That’s when she realized how unique Miss Carrem was.

Adele found a way to her heart effortlessly as if she had the map from the very start. When she placed her hand over hers in the projection room, she startled Zetta: whenever she had made the fatal mistake to show her vulnerable side to anyone, they would have used it against her to make her feel weak or small…clearly in need of someone who would tell her what to do, to guide her. They would have refilled her glass with wine again and again instead of going for the simplest gesture: taking her hand into theirs and comfort her. Making her believe with that touch that everything would have been fine, and she was stronger than whatever life threw her.

For a moment, as Adele held her hand, she felt safe, pacified, something she had never experienced with any of her supposed lovers. She couldn’t even be mad at her secretary when she revealed her James’ plan and the true reason behind his bailing her out of jail. She was shocked, obviously but she also couldn’t believe that Adele, brave foolish Adele, had put her life into her hands again. “I’m perfectly aware of the risk I’m taking by revealing this to you but you deserve to know. I cannot keep this from you” she said, looking her right in the eye.

Those eyes…they took Zetta’s breath away whenever they ignited with the fire sparking inside her. She could have lost herself in their green depths when they gleamed with pride and mischief as she proposed a toast to the vote to women or whenever their eyes met. She got lost in them when their lips touched, and they grew dark with desire. How daring and foolish they had been in the Turkish baths…but she couldn’t bring herself to regret that moment of ecstasy when she felt free and truly loved, for once. She could still shiver remembering Adele’s touch, the way her lips traced down her body with reverence and adoration, the soft moans the tender girl in her arms suffocated hiding her face in the crook of her neck as she melted under her caresses. In those stolen embraces she knew happiness.

How happy she felt whenever Adele was around: just exchanging a brief look across the room would make her heart flutter.

Then other memories surged and Zetta felt tears welling her closed eyes. Her birthday night, that cursed birthday night…Adele and her sneaking away from the party to find a private spot on the deck. The wine, the cold breeze of the ocean, Adele’s silvery laughter at her tipsy enthusiasm, how she craved those sweet lips all night.

“If I’m honest, I don’t even want to reach shore, I don’t want to go back to the party…I just want to stay out here with you. Forever.”

Adele’s tender smile in agreement.

“Let’s just make a tent of this blanket – we can live off seal meat and rainwater”

Her tipsy proposal made the two of them laugh again.

“What about your acting career?” Adele inquired, a smile lingering on her face.

“We’ll make our own plays. Whaddya say?”

God, how those words sounded different now…how she would have given everything to have Adele there to cup her face and give her a slow, deep kiss. But Adele wasn’t by her side anymore…she lost sight of her when her agent and Richard dragged her and James away from the crowd at the New York pier.

She hadn’t written her ever since that day and she felt so impossibly guilty because of that: Adele must have thought she had forgotten about her after all her words of love on the ship. Maybe she felt used, maybe she hated her by now and cursed the memory of her. She would have reasons to hold a grudge to her…the truth was that happiness and love are hard to accept if you have never truly had them before and if they came from a woman loving another woman.

Zetta had tried to write her a thousand time but every time she had made an effort to put her feelings into words, her lines rang hollow. Yet the words that got stuck in her throat when Adele pulled her into a corner and confessed that no matter what happened that night she needed to tell that she loved her were clear in her mind.

The months spent parted from you are the saddest time of my life. I’m haunted by you, the ghost of you. You’re everywhere: even if I’m silent, not an hour passed where I haven’t thought of you. I tried not to, but whenever I closed my eyes, there you were. I love you and I can’t live without you, without your smile, your wit, your touch. I just can’t but how can I ask you to be with me in the dark? I can’t step back from this wedding and I don’t want you to be a secret mistress: that would squalid and offensive when you are the one I want to give all of me. To marry, if that was even a possibility for us so that I could spend every single day of my life with you, waking up with you by my side, taking care of you…making you happy. Your absence makes even breathing hard, not to mention smiling to strangers, “capitalist pigs” as you would say…I even try and talk like you do, you see? But I find myself wondering: will I make you happy if I have to hide our love from the world? Kiss you only behind closed doors? Let you see me marry a man? You’re a free spirit, my love, I don’t want to put you in a cage because our love, our pure love would be a scandal and a scandal would ruin everything I worked for since I was even younger than you. I don’t want you to spend your life as a ghost yet I find myself craving to see your face one more time as living without you is barely surviving but all the light has gone as I lost you.

Suddenly she felt someone placing their hands on her shoulders.

“Let me help you here, Madame”

She opened her eyes and saw Sabine, smiling sympathetically down at her. She tried and failed to mirror her smile as her mascara was now running down her cheeks.

Sabine helped her to her feet and took care of everything. Zetta let her washed up her face and helped her into her shiny evening dress: she felt like a child in the hands of a loving mother. When she was putting on her earrings, the final touch, Sabine handed her a small stack of envelopes.

“The invitations to the movie screening and party” she explained. “It’s October first, I would suggest to send them first thing tomorrow to ensure that everyone get the invitation within reasonable notice. It wasn’t easy to find all the addresses, but I did my best”

“I’m sure you did, Sabine. Thank you for taking care of it.” Zetta said as she checked the succession of familiar names of former passengers and famous colleagues. “I will sign them personally when we come back from the party”.

“Excellent” Sabine nodded.

Then as Zetta placed the stack on her desk, she presented her a single envelope.

“I hope you don’t mind if I requested a faster delivery for this one” she added before bowing her head curtly and leaving the room. “Have a nice evening, Madame”

Zetta read the name handwritten on the last envelope where a different stamp had been appointed.

‘Mademoiselle Adele Carrem’

A lump formed in her throat but she forced herself not to cry and just smile, mentally thanking Sabine: she had found her. Following nothing else but her instinct, Zetta picked out the invitation and signed it with her fountain pen. Then, as Richard called her name, she grabbed a slip of paper and wrote a brief note:

“Please come, my love. I must see you again. Yours, Zetta”.

She folded everything back into the envelope and finally left her room as a newfound hope kindled inside her.

[occasionalfics]

hi so i haven’t made any real posts in a while bc i haven’t really been writing that much but i wanted to just post SOMETHING for y’all to interact with

anyway, if you don’t know, i have a youtube channel and i’ve been watching (almost) every movie that chris evans is in because i love him and reviewing them for my channel and i thought i’d give a rundown of the movies i’ve seen so far (including ones i haven’t rewatched for the channel yet because i’m not gonna link to the videos - if you really want to watch, message me) so maybe you could decide which ones are worth your time and/or money 😂

for this, i’ll give a brief description, my general thoughts, and a score from 1-10 (1 being unwatchable and 10 being PEAK cinema)

i’m keeping things very light on spoilers, meaning there might be one or two overall but not for every movie.

so here we go:

The Newcomers (2000) - some indie movie with no theatrical release about a family that moves from boston to vermont because of money troubles. chris is in it for like 5 minutes and he’s honestly the second best part (second to a dog only). 3/10, mostly boring but not offensive.

Not Another Teen Movie (2001) - i feel like everyone has seen this. it’s a spoof of 80′s and 90′s teen movies (namely she’s all that and cruel intentions). chris plays the main love interest and he’s definitely funny enough to pull off the part but it’s not really my thing. 4/10.

The Perfect Score (2004) - this is the first time chris and sc*rj* worked together. 6 high school kids fail the SATs so instead of retaking them, they sneak into a government building and steal the answers. it’s an mtv movie and it’s...fine? not great, not special, but...very early aughts mtv for sure. 4/10

Cellular (2004) - an action flick where chris plays a regular dude who gets a call from a woman who’s been kidnapped, and then has to keep communications up with her in order to save her and take down some corrupt cops. surprisingly funny, i had a great time watching, would recommend! 7/10

Fierce People (2005) - i think this was another indie movie without a theatrical release. based on a book that, from the reviews of both, is identical, i think because the author of the book was also the screenplay writer. and that’s probably why this movie sucked. bby anton yelchin (rip) gets caught scoring drugs for his mom, and because she has connections to this super rich dude, they end up going to live in new jersey with his weirdass family instead of bby anton going to jail. chris’s character is not who you think he is. content warnings for drugs, rape, and murder. overall boring, not what it thinks it is, 4/10

Fantastic Four (2005) - okay everyone’s seen these. i actually hate both of these FF movies, but chris as johnny storm is the only shinning light in either. reed is the WORST and sue is treated like eye candy. 4/10 for johnny storm alone.

London (2005) - literally the worst movie i have ever seen. i hate london. also an indie movie, very misogynistic, very pretentious and self-important. lonely emo boy does drugs with random people in a bathroom at a party he was not invited to INTENTIONALLY, in the hopes that he will win over his ex girlfriend, who he repeatedly emotionally abused while they were together, even though the party is literally in honor of her moving across the country. and she didn’t want him there. please never, ever bother watching london and talking about it online - fuckbois will attempt to tell you that you know nothing repeatedly. 1/10, worst film ever made.

TMNT (2007) - does this need an introduction? chris plays casey, but the movie’s really about the turtles. honestly the writing kind of relies on you knowing a lot about the turtle lore and overall it’s a boring but ultimately harmless film. it’s just really not worth your time. 2/10

Sunshine (2007) - ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN, I HAVE NOT  STOPPED THINKING ABOUT SUNSHINE IN OVER A YEAR. 8 astronauts are on a mission to ignite a nuclear bomb into the dying heart of our sun. but it’s a space film so shit goes wrong and, one by one, they start dying. very tense, very sad. the biggest complaint all around is that the first 2/3s of the movie are one genre and the last 3rd is a completely different movie, and yet it’s STILL amazing. please watch (if you can handle a space thriller)! 8/10

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) - a very bad follow up to a very bad origin movie. not even andre braugher could save this one. reed is really mean to johnny for no reason and i hate his guts. 3/10

The Nanny Diaries (2007) - second time appearing alongside sc*rj*. she’s the main character. an anthropology student takes on a nannying job for an upperclass family in new york, but the job ends up being more than she bargained for. chris plays harvard hottie, her upstairs neighbor who is THE BEST BOY. i loved this movie. 8/10

Battle for Terra (2007) - a very weird but very good animated movie about humans attempting to colonize an alien planet because we were stupid enough to destroy earth, venus, and mars. lots of big names on the cast list for a movie that not many people saw, but it goes ham in the “fuck colonizers” theme. overall, a surprising joy. 6.5/10

Street Kings (2008) - well this was directed by david ayer so my friend and i went into this with very low expectations and it didn’t even meet that bar. keanu reeves plays a sad and angry corrupt cop who almost kind of gets framed for killing another cop, and then spends a good chunk of the runtime just hunting down other corrupt cops without doing anything about his own corruption. it’s copaganda, but very bad copaganda. also chris dies. fuck this movie, don’t waste your time. this is another one where the fanboys will come for you if you say a bad thing about it on the internet, 2/10

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond (2008) - another indie that apparently caught the eye of kevin fiege? i don’t really know why because chris’s character is very bland and the movie overall is nothing special. tennessee williams wrote the screenplay before he died in the 80′s and then this was made and nothing about it was changed. it’s basically straight people in the 20′s in the south being weird and rude. a rich girl pays a hot poor boy to escort her to parties after a huge scandal was caused by her father. she loves the poor boy but he doesn’t return the feelings and everyone’s sad, dying, or mean. skip it, honestly. 4/10

Push (2009) - honestly, an underrated movie that so often gets shit on because of x-men. push is so good! a telekinetic man meets a young girl who can see the future, who tells him that if he helps her find her mom, they’ll also come into $6 million. they run into his ex and the government department trying to control people with powers, and shit ensues. chris’s chemistry with dakota fanning as big brother/little sister is adorable and i need more people to talk about it. 8/10, very worth your time.

The Losers (2010) - apparently went up against some other star-studded action flick with a similar plot at the time of release and suffered for it, but other than that, this is a fun romp with lots of character. a team of militiamen are framed for an international scandal and forced to go underground until a mysterious woman helps them exact revenge on the billionaire who framed them so they can go back to their families. chris plays one of the secondary characters and he’s PERFECT. best character in the whole movie! you’ve probably seen the “don’t stop believing”/”lethal killing machine” scene around tumblr before - that’s just how his character is the whole movie and it’s great. definitely recommend! 7/10

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) - we’ve all seen it. lucas lee is the best. there are lots of problems in the word choice and some of the moral quandaries but overall, an enjoyable ode to videogames and comic books. 6.5/10

Puncture (2011) - once again, an indie film with very little theatrical release. WHOOOH though. this movie. SO GOOD! two personal injury lawyers take on a case when a nurse is accidentally pricked on the job and contracts AIDS. they take on a huge pharmaceutical supply company in the hopes of manufacturing and creating a legal standard for using safety needles to protect frontline medical workers, all while chris’s character is dealing with being an addict. based on a true story, honestly   one of chris’s best performances (and that’s across the board). you can  rent it cheap from youtube and it’s totally worth it. 7.5/10

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - i mean. it’s cap. honestly this movie feels a little long even though it’s not. overall it’s a good, enjoyable movie and watching it all the way through reminded me of why bucky was so important. 7/10

What's Your Number? (2011) - okay honestly i love this movie? a woman is slutshamed by her sister’s friends and then embarks on a journey through her past relationships to find her soulmate, only to realize that it doesn’t matter how many men she’s slept with because the right one really won’t give a damn and neither should she. everyone’s seen naked collin around tumblr. he’s a good boy. mostly. 7/10

The Avengers (2012) - so i can appreciate that this was like THE event movie of the summer of 2012 but it is LONG and there’s still so much spy shit i don’t understand. my friends and i also think that j*ss wh*d*n oversimplifies most of the characters, and ultimately the writing isn’t super strong. the performances are, for sure, but it’s still not as great of a movie as i thought it was when i was a senior in high school. 7/10

The Iceman (2012) - also an indie? based on a true story. a man (played by michael shannon) is recruited by the mob to be a hitman, and then something happens where they don’t want to pay him or something, so he starts doing a shady job with another hitman (played by chris) to support his family. overall it’s a boring film but michael and chris were both really good! watch it if you like dark mob movies, michael shannon, or winona ryder. 3/10

Snowpiercer (2013) - this movie, no pun intended, is a RIDE. poor people at the back of a train containing the last living human beings revolt against the bourgeoise. everyone’s dirty and tired and hungry. weird shit happens, but ultimately, this was SO worth the watch (and the money i spent on the blu-ray)!  7/10

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - still my favorite cap movie. excellent characterization, maybe the only time i cared about natasha. the plot should be an avengers movie given that shield is a team concern, but i will stand by the winter soldier aspect of this movie til i die. 8/10

Before We Go (2014) - an indie movie that chris directed (his directorial debut)! it’s...cute, i guess. it’s not harmful in any way, but also not special in any way. flustered woman misses her train, cute musician in the station offers to help her navigate NYC. they talk about feelings and their pasts and what they’re running from and toward. it’s fine. 6/10

Playing It Cool (2014) - indie? i don’t know?? screenplay writer (chris) wants to write action films but keeps getting hired to write romcoms, then he finds himself IN a romcom. it’s okay. some people think it’s terribly misogynistic which i didn’t find it to be, but it’s also just...kinda bland. 4/10

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - my least favorite avengers movie. i genuinely hate how ultron was handled and this movie has never once made me sympathize with the maximoffs. except for when steve defends their choice to allow experimentation to be done so they could defend their country. uh the party at the beginning is the best part, full stop. 3/10

Captain America: Civil War (2016) - this isn’t a cap film. he has no character growth. this is an avengers film at best. i also take issue with how much of this movie is really just two movies forced into one. bucky gets the short end of the deal in the overall mcu and this is really where that starts. 5/10

Gifted (2017) - PLEASE. WATCH. GIFTED. a former philosophy professor gives up his career to raise his niece, but when his mother attempts to gain custody, he has to fight for the person he loves most in the world. one of the most heartfelt, genuine movies ever. chris and mckenna grace have SUCH good chemistry. bonus octavia spencer (also in snowpiercer). 10/10

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - probably my favorite avengers movie. great stakes. amazing acting. THE BEARD!!! 8/10

Knives Out (2019) - WHOOO BITCH. TOP TIER. ransom drysdale could do whatever he wants to me and normally, i don’t “date” villains. 9/10

Endgame (2019) - the lesser infinity war. i’m not a fan of time jumps and also hate fatphobia. thor was mistreated and i can’t forgive that.

[faimalogirl]

Testing the waters... or floating in it

Dating apps... not really my thing but with the past year being life altering in addition to a pandemic, i thought, why not? lol Seriously, that’s what my answer was to many people.

I have never been a fan of online dating, or swiping right OR left on people, or blind dates but many of my friends and some family members are concerned about my love life... or lack of. But because life has thrown me curve ball after curve ball, I decided that I am going to give it a shot.

I want to be clear, I am perfectly content with being single, and feel that when it happens it happens. But for some reason other people are not, as if them being in relationships makes me feel incomplete. Couldn’t be any more true. I feel like that person in the movie, who is loving their life or at least liking it, and everyone including the dying grandma keeps trying to match her with anyone of the opposite sex, and because it’s been a while they sometimes offer to hook her up with someone of the same sex. And not that I’m offended by it but I am completely strictly dickly lol. 

I have my reservations about dating apps because honestly, it’s weird. It’s scary. It’s risky due to Corona virus... and did I mention I have cancer? No? Well I do. 

I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer last October, and after completing my round with radiation, I am now getting ready to have a FULL HYSTERECTOMY to remove the remaining tumor. For some reason in my mind, I feel like part of my womanhood is being taken away, so while I still have it, I figured i’d “test the water.” 

Now, I know I don’t have to tell people that I have cancer but there are other things that worry me about dating. To put it kindly, people are freaking weirdos.

I have been on a few dates with different guys, and let me tell you how different things have gotten since my 20s. So for all my respectable and intelligent women/men out there wanting to try dating here are a few suggestions:

1. Doesn’t need to be said but apparently for me it does... MEET SOMEONE IN PUBLIC lol 

My first date with BOY1, he offered to take me on the lake, just him and I on his little motorboat. Now as romantic and “Notebook” worthy as this sounds, I was excited. I was ready. We’ve been texting back and forth for a little over a week. But the days following up to our date got me thinking... What if I don’t like him? What if he’s crazy? And I’ll be stuck on a boat with JUST HIM, in the middle of the lake, until it’s over. So please, meet in public and not in the middle of the lake.

2. Anyone who asks you to send “sexy pics” is just asking for a quick hit it and quit it. NOT that I did it. But I was alarmed by how many d*ck pics were sent to me without request, or want (If you are into that, more power to you but that’s not something I want to see) LOL 

I was texting back and forth with BOY2 who thought I’d be impressed by his “romance” through the phone. Kept asking me to send him photos every day. I didn’t mind, sending him a photo here and there of me going out, playing with my dog, or just random. I think I literally sent him three. But once the “sexy pics” requests got to be more, I told him I needed to at least know him and go on a couple of dates before any of that happened. And guess what, we went on a date, and for the most part it was fine. Then, when the insinuation that we were going to “hook up” back at his place didn’t happen for him, he became needy and kept asking “what went wrong?” or “are you mad at me?” or “why am I leading him on?” I told him I’m not that girl and he said okay. So, I ghosted him after he asked for another sexy pic, I sent him a gif of a hippo lol and left it at that.

3. Be okay with saying no. Whether it be to a date, a picture, an exchange of phone numbers or social media, it’s not your job to make someone happy when you are not comfortable. 

I didn’t realize it until it happened, but when BOY3 suggested that I come lay with him after one “hello” I quickly let him know I wasn’t that easy lol. He got defensive and was just like “I just think your beautiful and I just say what I want.” Of course he used a few colorful words to get his point across. And I told him he can take his words elsewhere. Although I feel like a prune lol I also feel like woman are made to feel like we need to coddle boys who don’t know how to talk to women with respect. I mean, could you at least say “Hey how are you?”  Now some people told me that’s just how people talk to each other, and I said, “well I guess I’ll be single forever.” And I don’t mind. I am not going to lower my standards, or compromise my comfort for someones lack of respect. If that’s how you want to talk, then find someone willing to put up with it. It ain’t this girl.

4. Never, and I mean NEVER stress about how you look for your profile picture. Don’t put too much stock into your filtered photos. Honestly, I put full body photos up, even though a lot of my friends said they would never do that. I put some pictures that had sc filters with the ears, or regular photos up. I put a little bit of me up.

I am a very confident woman who understands her flaws. With all my plus size happiness and glamour, I knew I was just having fun. Plus if he don’t like you sweetie, you don’t need to worry about him. Because you’ll never meet him lol. Now, with that said, sure I have my moments where I feel crappy. But I just feel if you aren’t happy with who you are, you won’t be secure in a relationship. And since I was just “testing the waters” I didn’t really care of which photos were there to be judged. Or so I thought...

BOY4 was kind and sweet. He was also a very handsome man who apparently loved big girls (his words not mine) he made me feel very comfortable. He’s 6′6, and we all know your girl is a sucker for a tall man. He was also fit in a sense that you could tell he worked out but not so much that he was ripped. I had my reservations about meeting him, because I thought I was being cat-fished lol until we exchanged numbers and sent snaps to each other before actually going on a date. We have gone on a few lunch and dinner dates here and there, still talk to each other, but I am slowly pulling away because of the last advice.

5. Know what you want and respect what others want. And always be honest about your intentions...

After talking back and forth with BOY4 and sharing things. You quickly get to know someone. Although I would never force myself or my views on someone, I expect the same respect. BOY4 started to share a little about what he wants for his future. You know, the whole finding someone to marry, travel with, and have kids...

I can’t have kids. Remember the whole living with cancer and getting ready to have a hysterectomy? For those of you who don’t know what that means, it just means, as a woman, my surgeon will be taking away my baby making machine. Now, I’ve accepted my future and I know that that’s not the only way to have a child. But I also know that these types of conversations are hard for some people to grasp. I would love to one day meet someone, get married, carry a child, but that’s just not the hand that was dealt to me. That’s also not something that I can hide from someone and trick them into understanding after they’ve developed feelings for me. So I was honest with everything... at least surface base. But we’ll see what happens from here on out...

Also, just to let you know, I’ve deleted the dating apps. It’s not for me. I know many people who’ve married people they’ve met on dating apps/sites but I just don’t think it’s something for me. Also, if I have another friend who keeps setting me up on blind dates, I am going to have to think of getting new friends lol

[outlanderfandomfollies]

Just like the SC shippers, Meokeob keeps recirculating long debunked “receipts” about S

Someone sent me this in DM this morning.

Sam was with Alex in Memphis at that time in March, 2019 you twit!

And yes Alex was there at the time (as far as I know, he didn’t join S later--that I believe is a lie that people on DL told themselves--See Addendum). Alex is married to a woman and well, he’s Alex. You really think if S were gay (which he has said he is not) he would hook up with Alex? Clearly the “friend” who worked at the hotel wanted to add to the DL conspiracy. My guess is Alex shared S’s hotel suite (not room) while they were traveling together. Makes sense to me.

Meokeob, are you a gay male pretending to be a woman? Or are you a woman who gets off on the thought of two men being together sexually? Because you come across as someone who is desperate to have S be gay--like it would destroy your sexual fantasy if it turned out he wasn’t.

You seem to be an incredibly naïve person who doesn’t know how to do research. I’ve already debunked most of what you have said  (see  POST1, POST2, POST3, POST4, POST5 and POST6) yet you keep repeating the same old misinformation.

You claim to have seen something on the Internet about S’s sexuality 15 years ago. Are you aware that many (although certainly NOT all) gay men often assume any handsome male actor (regardless of their level of fame) is gay and often create rumors about them that they post as “fact” on the Internet? That is most likely what you saw. Some guy who had been a fan of S in the theater and who had a crush on him posting that he was gay because that is what he wanted him to be. 

Oh, and the “cousin” story of S’s behavior at the Conservatoire. You do know that a version of that story was told by at least 3 different fans who live in 3 different geographical regions? It seems that is an urban myth that gets recycled by different players. And even if it were true that S explored his sexuality when he was young, the more we learn about human sexuality, the more we know it is far more fluid that most people realize. I have no idea what he did or didn’t do in his youth but all I know is he says now that he is not gay and he has been seen with numerous women. I have no reason to believe otherwise.

Are you aware that the most famous and first modern tinhat pairing of two male actors happened with the LOTR fandom with the Domlijah shipping of Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (neither of whom are gay)? THE RUMOR WAS STARTED ON DATA LOUNGE.  A few years later, I understand that both people who were the major proponents of that ship came clean and confessed it was all a lie. And yet you take everything you see on DL as being true.

You also base your beliefs on S’s sexuality on heteronormative and gay prejudices and stereotypes. And your followers seem to believe you because of their own prejudices and stereotypes. 

But the reality is all you are Meokeob in the end is a tinhatter. Anyone who believes you is choosing to turn off their common sense. 

But like the good tinhatter you are, nothing will ever stop you. And you will continue to circulate debunked information over and over again.  🤦‍♀️

[edited]

ADDENDUM:

First of all, this is all just rumor. It is similar to the SC shippers’ “Ginger Anon” who claimed that S was staying at a hotel where they worked in Ireland around Christmas 2016 (which the shippers used as “proof” that S went to Ireland to be with C for the holidays 🙄). If there aren’t any photos, we can’t assume it happened.

As far as S in Memphis. Well, first of all, S was in Memphis on March 23, 2019 NOT March 24th.

Later that night he went to Nashville for UFC Fight Night based on a notation from samheughaninstagramstories (but you can also google when the fight was, it will tell you it was March 23, 2019):

Sam went with Alex to the Great Glen Company tasting on March 24, 2019.

Notice that Alex reported being in “3 States on 5 hours sleep in 48 hours.” Of course he was with S the whole time and most likely stayed with him! The rest is a DL “narrative” based on anonymous reports. 🙄

[imaginedeux]

Girl At The Rock Show (E.D. Imagine)

A/N: So Warped Tour happened like almost a year ago now, and I've been wanting to write something. I’ve read a couple of imagines where the reader goes to Cochella with the twins, but I haven't read them going to Warped Tour, and that’s honestly a concept. The show is going to be in San Diego, but i’ll be putting set times from when I went.

“Hey whats up guys! We’re back! Well, I’m back, Grayson is sick and can't film/ can't leave the house, but don't worry, we have four other amazing people here to help me with today’s video! Please introduce yourselves to the camera!” Ethan yelled at the camera from the passenger seat, pointing it at you.

“Hey! It’s (Y/N)! And I’m currently driving E’s car the three hour journey to San Diego.” You fake groaned, before you smiled at the camera, making sure you stayed in your lane. Your three other friends in the back seat all yelled hello before Ethan said he would update them when they got to the location.

“Awesome, now for a 3 hour nap.” Ethan sighed, putting his feet onto the dashboard.

“Oh, heck nah! You have at least three hours to learn one song from one of the bands playing today.” You explained, giving him your phone that was tethered to the car’s bluetooth. “I have a playlist on Spotify with a bunch of songs from some bands playing today, so you better get learning.”

“I’ll give you 3 seconds to guess where we are today!” Ethan yelled at his camera as you grabbed your draw string backpack from the trunk, ready to get the long day stared. “Well you’re probably wrong, or you're right cause you read the title to the video. I’m at the LAST Vans Warped Tour in San Diego! As you know a couple of months ago, Gray and I surprised (Y/N) with a ticket to Cochella, and she had the time of her life. Now a month-ish ago she surprised Gray and I with tickets to Warped Tour, but unfortunately Gray got sick, so we gave his ticket to one of (Y/N)’s friends since they didn't have the chance to buy a ticket before it sold out. So now we’re here, I’m not sure how much i’ll be able to film because it is a sold out gig and there are going to be a ton of people, I might just get (Y/N) to film for me.”

“I’ll only film for you if you end up crowd surfing, everything else is on you.” You shook your head closing the trunk of his car, after making sure everyone had what they needed. “Alright lets head out!” A five minute walk from the rather sketchy $20 parking lot later, your group came across the end of the line. “No fucking way, the entrance is literally around the block, and the doors don't open for another hour.”

“See, I told you we should have brought the cans of food, we would have gotten early entrances.” Your friend Carla, lectured as people with bags of food cans walked by.

“I completely forgot about them! I could have sworn I had them at the apartment before we left, but I couldn't find them this morning.” You explained, groaning. If you had non-perishable cans of food, or even an old cellphone, and you donated them, you'd be able to enter the grounds, about half an hour before everyone else did.

“Wait, were they all cans of corn?” Ethan asked from behind you. Turning, you gave him a look.

“Yes...” You answered squinting your eyes at him. “Did you take them?! I swear E, if you did...” You started before Ethan covered your mouth with his free hand, the other holding onto the camera recording the scene in front of him.

“No, wait, they’re in the car. They were in the cardboard boxes next to the first aid kit.” Ethan explained, pointing the camera at himself, before the group of you started to yell.

“E, can you PLEASE, go and grab them? Please! I’ll buy you a whole pineapple pizza to yourself when we get to the hotel tonight.” You pleaded, taking the camera away from him. A laugh at the group later, he was sprinting back towards the car, ready to get this long day started.

“Thank you guys for the donations, you all have a good day!” The woman taking the cans said, scanning your tickets.

“Likewise!” The lot of you smiled back, making your way towards the grounds. “So how is this going to work? Cause I know Carla, Kevin and Jack wanna go and see Crown The Empire, and it looks like they’re one of the first to play at the White Lightning Stage, and that’s on the other side of the venue.” You said looking up between the inflatable line-up and the venue map you payed way too much for. 

“Well, it looks like All Time Low is gonna be the last to play today at the Right Foot Stage at 8:30, and thats a band we all wanna see so we can meet up at the end of the day of thats what you want?” Jack, said pointing at the line up. This was one of the things about warped, most of the time the bands you wanna see play at same time and on opposite sides of the venue. 

“Wait look, Chase Atlantic is playing at 7:55, isn't that the band you wanna see?” You asked looking up at Ethan, who was looking back at the line up.

“Yeah it is, but its at 7:55, which means that we’ll be late to the band y'all wanna see.” Ethan realized, looking at how long Chase would play. “I know you’ve been wanting to see All Time Low for years, and I don't want you to miss out on them.”

“Thats nonsense, so looks like we have a plan. Jack, you, Carla and Kevin wanna see the same bands, so you can stick together. I’ll stick with Ethan, so we’ll meet you at the Right Foot Stage at around 8:30, if anything I brought an extra battery pack so I can text y'all.” You smiled at the group before the five of you split. 

“You ready to see a real rock show?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, maybe its a good idea that Gray didn't come, he’d be freaking out about Chase, he’s the one who got me into them.” Ethan laughed as the two of you walked by multiple vendors trying to sell the two of you things you really didn't need. 

“Get your free bracelet for the opportunity to meet State Champs!” A vendor yelled as you walked by, causing you to stop dead in your tracks. You weren't sure if it was the State Champs t-shirt you decided to wear with a pair of high waisted black shorts and your trusty Sk-8 Hi black Vans, or if it was the multiple home-made SC patches that decorated our backpack, that made the lady yell the moment you passed by.

“E, give me a second.” You whispered, before you hauled ass towards the booth with the lady who was yelling. “Hi, is it true you’re giving fans a chance to meet State Champs?”

“Yup, I saw your patches and I couldn't let the opportunity pass. So, it is a free meet and greet, all you have to do is watch this video, its only 2 minutes long so it won't take too much time out of your day, then after its done, we’ll go ahead and give you a bracelet for the meet and greet at 1:30 at the tent right next door.” She explained pointing at the places that you needed to go to, to be able to meet your favorite band at the festival.

“Can I get to meet them too?” The hazel eyed boy asked from beside you.

“Sure, just go ahead and watch a quick video and I’ll give you a bracelet to meet them at 1:30 at the tent next door.” She gave him the same smile she gave you, pointing everything out. The video was short and to the point, don't smoke, it'll kill you. “Thank you so much for watching the video, and here are the bracelets you need to meet State Champs. The meet and greet will start at 1:30 so if you want to get here before hand thats alright.”

“Thank you!” The two of you yelled, walking away from the tent not sure what to do next. “So are there any bands you wanna see?” 

“DID YOU SEE THAT?!” Ethan yelled coming back up from behind you, you had to admit that you were surprised to see Ethan actually crowd surf his way to the front where Mayday Parade was playing.

“Of course I did, and you're gonna be happy I got that all on film.” You laughed at him, with the camera in your hand. You and your friends were concert goers but not brave enough to crowd surf yet. “This video is going to be killer to edit next week.”

“Dont worry I’ll get Gray to edit it since he was too sick to come along.” Ethan laughed looking over the crowd as they jumped and danced along to the band covering Blink-182′s Girl at The Rock Show. “Not even at Coachella are people this hyped to see their favorite band or artist. We need to come to more of these.”

“Some of the bands have been making music since a lot of these kids were young, they grew up hearing these bands. Warped is decently priced so this might be some of these peoples only chance of seeing their favorite band live.” You explained as the lead singer, Derek thanked the crowd for letting them play main stage, and said they would be playing their last song next, which was a fan favorite. “Come on E, Mayday’s almost done, so that means its almost 1:30, its time to meet State Champs.”

~~

“Next please!” The already annoyed merch employee yelled as some kids stepped out of the tent.

“Holy shit E, it really is them!” You mumbled covering your mouth as you and Ethan stepped into the tent.

“Hey yall, how’s warped tour going?” Derek, the lead singer asked as the two of you came face to face with one of your favorite bands in the last couple of years.

“It’s good so far, it’ll be even better once I see yall play! By the way, can I get a hug please?” You asked almost shaking, this band was the reason you got out of the comfort zone of your hometown and are the reason you moved to L.A., they gave you the courage to do everything you were scared to do before.

“Come on in here!” Ryan, one of the guitarists laughed bringing you in for a bone crushing hug. “You to my man! Hugs for everyone.” E’s laugh rumbled through the tent as the group of you came in for a group hug. You never thought that you’d ever be able to meet them, much less hug them.

“Can we get a group picture?” Ethan asked this time, you’d honestly forgotten about asking for picture with them, being in the same city as them was good enough for you.

“Sure, anything you guys wanna do?” Tyler, the other guitarist asked.

“How about 90′s rap cover group picture?” You asked shaking out of your state of shock. “Honestly its the only thing I can think of and I’m just remembering the photo of pigeons that looked like they were about to drop the greatest rap album of the century.”

“I know which one you’re talking about! Dude I honestly didn’t think anyone remembers that photo.” Tony, the bass player grinned at the thought of the pigeon photo. Handing over his phone, Ethan quickly squatted down in front of you, Derek doing the same as the rest of the band stood next to you, allowing you to be in the center of the picture. 

“Thank you again for coming to Warped Tour, thank you for being a fan of us and allowing us to come out and play all away across the country from our hometown.” Evan said giving you another hug. 

“Thank you all as well, your music gave me the courage to move out of my little hometown to L.A., without ya’ll, I don’t know where I would be.” You grinned, before you hugged all of them one last time. “Can’t wait to see yall play later!”

~~

“I still can’t believe that we met State Champs, they’re all as beautiful as they look like on Instagram.” You gushed biting into one of the ice pops the two of you bought for way too much.

“(Y/N), that was like two hours ago, you even got to see them live. How are you still going on about them?” Ethan asked chucking the stick into the nearest trashcan, it’d been a couple of hours since State Champs played and the two of you decided to wonder around the festival grounds.

“I don’t know, their music gave me so much courage to be myself, they’re the reason why i’m standing here in San Diego, because without them I wouldn’t have moved to L.A., met you, Gray, Carla, Jack, and Kevin, and without yall, I wouldnt have gotten the chance at meeting them.” You explained grinning at Ethan. “I really do owe it all to them. So, anyways, what do you wanna do now? We have a couple more hours till Chase, so we have time to do anything you want.”

“We haven’t filmed anything for the vlog in a while, why don’t we find a place to sit, and talk to the viewers.”

“Sorry it’s been a minute since we’ve updated you, but the group was disbanded so we could watch the bands we wanted to watch. What bands have we seen today?” Ethan asked, looking between you and the camera the two of you set up on an empty picnic table you were able to grab.

“We’ve seen Mayday Parade, we got to see a part of 3OH!3′s set, which was at more lit than I thought it was going to be, we saw my band State Champs, go follow them on all social media you wont regret it, when we finally got out of the pit, we got to see the last couple of songs for Simple Plan, and we just finished watching Bowling For Soup’s set. For those who dont know, Warped Tour is consisted of six different stages, the Journey’s Left Foot and Right Foot stage are the two main stages of the festival, while the other four are smaller stages, two are for the heavier bands and the other two are for smaller bands. Anyways, the reason we’ve seen 5 bands, is because they’ve been on the Left and Right stages so they’re right next to each other. Now we’re waiting for Chase Atlantic’s set and we’re going to meet back up with the group to watch All Time Low, another band you should go and follow on all social media, just follow all the bands, they’re all good.”

“Wow, talk about that plug. But I have to admit, their music has been really good, a lot of music you could work out too for sure. Oh, we also met (Y/N)’s favorite band State Champs, and they were actually really cool, they seemed really down to earth,” Ethan started before you gestured to put the photo in the video. “Insert picture here, I dont know how it looks and (Y/N), chose the pose, so if we look like idiots, blame (Y/N).”

“Hey, I’m giving them quality content, so you’re welcome.” You sassed looking down at your phone. “My friend from back home is mad at me that I’m Warped without her, and shes telling me to go check out a band if they haven’t played yet. Can I borrow your phone, to see if they’ve played yet?”

“So demanding,” Ethan joked as you grabbed his phone out of his hand. “If you have a chance at trying to come to one of these shows, do it. If you don’t mind walking around for hours, or being around large groups of people, and some of these band’s fans do go hard and start moshing, but if you don’t mind any of that, it something everyone should do at least once in their life.” 

“Hey, the band my friend is talking about is going to play in like 30 minutes, can we head over? It’s on the same page Chase Atlantic is playing at.”

~~

“We’re With Confidence, we’re all the way from Sydney, Australia, thank you so much for letting us play few songs for you guys today!” The lead singer, and also bassist said smiling. “I’m Jayden, this beautiful man on guitar is Inigo, and this equally beautiful man on drums is Josh. If you guys dont mind we’ll be meeting any one that wants to meet us, right at our tent over there, it’s big and pink you cant miss it. We’ll be signing your things and if you want, you can pre-order our album coming out at the end of the summer, and you can get both a physical and digital copy when you buy today.” 

“Oh my god, do you hear those accents? Why are they so beautiful?” You gushed as they played a new song coming out on the album they were talking about. Like most of the other songs they had played, they were all high energy, the kids up at the barricades were jumping along to the beat, and some of the kids in the middle of the crowd were opening up the pit for a circle pit, the dust flying up into the air as they ran around in a circle. That was one of the perks of being far from the barricades, and on the outside perimeter of the pit, you were able to see everything, and how the kids were reacting to the band. “I’ve never heard of this band, but they are amazing, i’m definitely signing up for a CD.”

“First, State Champs, now these guys? Who don’t you love, (Y/N)?” Ethan sighed, rolling his eyes as you got footage of the band and of the kids in the moshpit.

“I fall easily, all it takes is a pretty face and an amazing accent.” You stuck your tongue out at Ethan as the band started to play their final song.

“This entire video is going to be just you meeting bands.”  Ethan laughed as you pulled him to the meet and greet line for With Confidence.

“Hey, i’m at least giving you content E, you would have probably just pranked Gray if it wasnt for me.” You grinned at the camera knowing it was true.

“I mean true.”

“And, i’m giving your Instagram followers content as well, y’all have no idea how many times E has taken his shirt off today because of how warm it got, and he’s definitely gotten some stares from some of the kids here.”

“Hey! It’s not my fault it’s gotten warm!” He explained grabbing the camera from you, pointing it at himself as he tried to defend his actions.

“Um, I told you to wear shorts and a tank top, but no! I know how to dress for a festival, and its not going to get hot.” You mocked Ethan, grabbing the camera out of his hands as you used his cool voice. “And here he is suffering in black plaid jeans and a white long sleeve.” Laughing you showed the viewers the outfit he decided to wear to a summer festival.

“Well you’ll be the one complaining later when we go and see All Time Low, and you’re freezing.” Ethan shot back as one of the security guards started allowing the first kid to meet With Confidence.

“That’s what you think! While you were meeting some of fans, I went and bought myself an All Time Low hoodie so HA!” You laughed, shoving the camera towards Ethan to grab the hoodie you got from your favorite band. “They didnt have my size so I had to get the next size up, but its so comfortable guys.” You could already feel the shift in temperature so it was the perfect time to put on your hoodie. The hoodie reached below the hem of your shorts, and the sleeves went passed the tips of your fingers with ease, it looked like you were ready for bed, not ready to rock out at a concert.

--

Meeting With Confidence was a whole other experience, they were so happy to see people lining up to meet them. They were constantly thanking you and Ethan for being there to see them, and giving their band a chance. They were happy to hear that you were going to buy a CD and a couple of shirt from their merch stand, and were like that with the kids before and after you. A couple of heavier bands later, and Chase Atlantic started to play is when you started recording the crowd’s reaction to the band. Both you and Ethan realized that the music they’ve released, is played differently live. Rather than the sensual RnB vibe, they sounded like all the other rock bands that played that day. Midway through their set they thanked everyone for stay to see them play since they were one of the last bands playing that day, as they continued to thank the crowd, Ethan grabbed the camera and started recording the crowd from his perspective. This is something that the two of you had been doing all day, so both of you could enjoy the band, and it would give Gray more angles to edit. Its once Ethan started recording the crowd and the band that he realized how well you knew the lyrics to the songs. You swayed when the music slowed, you jumped along to the kick drum, you spun around as the lead singer sang the lyrics all the kids in the crowd knew. Ethan stepped back and started recording you as the lead singer stopped singing, allowing the crowd to sing the lyrics to one of their more famous songs. Although the temperatures continued to lower, that wasnt causing the blush on Ethan’s cheeks to appear.

“Alright, this is going to be the last song we play tonight, thank you for allowing us to play here to night, and I hope you guys have an amazing rest of the evening.” The lead singer, Mitchel, thanked as the band started playing the last song.

“E, come on! We need to head to the Right Foot Stage, Carla, Kevin and Jack are already there!” You yelled, literally pulling him out of his day dream and out of the crowd. As the two of you ran to one of the last stages still up, the two of you could hear the sea of kids singing along to some of the songs that were playing through the speakers, waiting for the final band to play. “Look, there they are!”

--

“Thank you guys so much!” Alex thanked the crowd before he started the last song of San Diego’s Warped Tour. 

“I’ve got your picture, i’m coming with you. Dear Maria count me in, theres a story at the bottom of this bottle and i’m the pen!” The entire crowd sang as, Alex, Jack and Zack jumped around the stage and around Rian, who was playing the drums. By the time the lot of you had gotten to the stage, you were a good twenty yards away from the stage, but it didnt bother you. If anything it allowed your group to step back, and be able to dance along to the songs you grew up with. It also gave Ethan the opportunity to record you guys without being shoved around in the pit. Then the song reached the long awaited climax, as Jack and Alex threw their guitars across the stage, the confetti cannons showered the crowd in multi colored paper. Although the sounds of the cannons startled Ethan, he never took his eyes off you as the pieces of paper fell around you. It was the gasp that made you stop spinning around to look at Ethan. 

He could have sworn that the sound of the crowd drowned out his gasp, but apparently it was loud enough for you to hear and stop spinning. It was the smile that put the nail in the coffin for Ethan. It was the biggest, and the realest smile he’s ever seen from you. Since the beginning of your friendship with Ethan, there was a difference in it. It wasn’t a normal friendship the two of you shared, it was something more. although the two of you refused to admit it. The two of you could lean on each other, the two of you were closer than even the fans knew about, and a majority knew how close the two of you lead on. The two of you talked about everything, from things that you saw that reminded you of each other, to desires of what you wanted to do in both the near and far future. When you started talking about how you wanted to go to the Last Cross Country Warped Tour, Ethan instantly jumped on the chance to buy the two of you tickets. So, no, Grayson wasn’t sick, he knew about the little plan his twin brother was creating. But since you weren’t aware, you invited your friends, who weren’t aware of the plan Ethan was planning either, along since they also had tickets.

The thing was, you had a plan up your sleeve as well. You knew from the very beginning that your friends were going to be watching groups you and Ethan hadnt heard of before, so you knew you would have some time with Ethan without feeling pressured by your friends to make a move. Through out the day the two of you laughed at random jokes, you shared your drinks and food with each other, you even encouraged each other to do things you’d never have the guts to do if you were by yourself. As the day continued, the two of you held on to each other as the bands you were watching played the slow song of the set. You hugged Ethan longer, and harder after meeting With Confidence, and State Champs, quietly thanking him for sharing the experience with you. With a smile still on your face, you brought Ethan in for a hug, one harder than any of the ones the two of you had shared before.

“Thank you so much. You have no idea what today means to me. It wouldnt have been the same without you.” You confessed looking up at him.

The look in your eyes were ones Ethan had never seen before. There was something about them that were different, but looked familiar.

Its the look my parents have when they look at each other. You realized as Ethan looked down at you, swaying the two of you back and forth. As the song started to fade, you started to stand on your tip toes as Ethan started to lead down. Little did the two of you know that your friends were sneakily taking a photo of the moment, something they had been doing all day. Besides seeing their favorite bands, your friends knew of the plan through Grayson, and were capturing the moments neither of you were getting on camera. What a better way to end Warped Tour in the arms of someone you cared for deeply, and that care for you the same way.

[doomedandstoned]

Konvent Debut Neck-Breaking Death Doom Masterpiece

~By Willem Verhappen~

It's not often that I'm impressed by a demo, but every so often Bandcamp treats me to something special, a diamond in the rough. It was only last year that I came across the 2017 demo of Danish death doomers , but it stuck with me. This demo promised me a good mix of stuff I like, namely nasty death doom with some catchy stoner hooks molded into it. Just listen to "Square" to see what I mean. I'm happy to say that I wasn't the only one impressed by the demo, because Austrian metal merchants Napalm Records once again prove that they have an ear for talent, picking up Konvent and releasing their debut record, 'Puritan Masochism' (2020).

Listening to Puritan Masochism makes it clear that these women have developed their sound quite a bit in the last couple of years. The stoner influences are pushed to the background. What remains is crushing, relentless death doom. Straight forward, no-nonsense, hard hitting metal in its purest form, but with a keen sense of melody.

By the time you've reached the third track, "Trust," anyone who says they're not hooked on the riffs, is lying. If you're more a fan of the really heavy death metal, "World of Gone" will serve you well. Musically, I keep comparing Konvent to the slower Dutch death metal bands like Asphyx and Grand Supreme Blood Court. Heidi Withington Brink (bass) and Julie Simonsen (drums) deliver a pounding, sluggish base, while Sara Helena Nørregaard adds an extra dimension with her thriving, faster guitar work.

Rikke Emilie List's grunts are the (rotten) cherry on top. This woman has a set of pipes that would make many of her colleagues blush. Her vocals alternate between growls similar to those of Nick Holmes and the sub-bass grunts you'd expect on a Demilich record. On the stomping "Waste," List gets some help from Morild's Tue Krebs Roikjer, who throws some black metal screams in the mix.

While I consider this record more of a death metal record with doom influences, this is changes during the two-parter "Ropes." In the first part, the band is leaning more towards black metal, with dissonant melodies and some much needed air to breathe. "Ropes Pt. II" is by far the most dynamic song on Puritan Masochism, mixing death doom with faster parts, sounding almost like post metal, but dirtier. Much dirtier. With this the band proves that there's more to Konvent than just death and doom.

In their promo sheet, Napalm blatantly states that Copenhagen might become the new death doom capital, and while that might be a bit much, I can't deny that Konvent is a force to be reckoned with. It's not often I find a straight forward death doom record that manages to grab me from beginning to end, without being over 20 years old, but this is one of them. Up until now, I associated Denmark mostly with Mercyful Fate and Lego, but you can add Konvent to that list.

An interview with Sara from Konvent

First of all, thank you for this interview. 'Puritan Masochism' (2020) has been out for a couple of weeks now. How are the reactions so far?

Hi! And thank you so much for wanting to talk to us. Yeah, Puritan Masochism has been out since 24th January and we just finished our tour in Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Germany.

We’ve been overwhelmed with the attention our album is getting and it’s really exciting to see how people are reacting to it. The reactions have been really good and we couldn’t think of a better reception of the album. Of course it’s a matter of taste whether you like it or not, and we know that our album isn’t for all. But seeing so many people coming to our shows in cities or countries we have never been before, and people actually buying our vinyls and merchandise just makes us so happy and gives us the desire to keep on going.

Since this is our debut album we already got a lot of new ideas for the second album and we actually see this very much as a learning process where we are able to evolve over time. There has also been a lot of people wanting to talk to us and interview us, and we really haven't seen that coming to such an extent. But people have been really nice and it’s always fun to meet people. So we’re happy!

Puritan Masochism by Konvent

There’s quite a gap between your demo and your debut record and it’s clear you’ve grown as a band. Can you tell us a bit about what has been going on in the past three years?

Thank you so much! The first year we pretty much spent on getting to know our instruments and each other, but we quickly started working on our own material, and the demo that came out in 2017 was a result of that. Then we played a lot of shows around Denmark and that really helped us grow as musicians and as a group. During all these shows we were also working on songs for a debut album, but it was a very slow process. It wasn’t until after we got on Napalm Records, that we really stepped it up and got to finish it.

At the same time, it was also important to do it in our way and not let ourselves be pressured of someone else expectations to us. The demo was a big learning curve for us regarding our sound. It just expanded our minds on how creative we could get with the sound. This really helped us when we went into the studio with Lasse Ballade from Ballade Studios to record our debutalbum, because we spent a long time tweaking the sound of the instruments and putting small things in here and there. And Lasse was imminent in making the sound of the album! He is a beast at what he does and was such a treat to work with. I think this gap between our demo and the album reflects a lot of what many other bands are “struggling” with as well.

On the one hand, you really want to get out and play as many gigs as possible, but on the other hand you also want to prioritize making some great songs - and sometimes it can be difficult to achieve it all. It takes time. We also had many people asking us why we didn’t put some of the demo songs on the album. But we really wanted to make new songs, because some of the demo songs were from 2016 and we felt like we had evolved as musicians. So we knew we could make even better songs if we just pushed ourselves.

Demo by Konvent

What were your inspirations, both musical and lyrical for the record?

Our album isn’t a concept album, but if you were to put a theme on it, or around the lyrics of the songs it would basically be losing control over your life.

The song "Puritan Masochism" -- which is also the title of the album -- is about how everyone has a tendency to do things, or thinking things that actually hurt us, but we keep thinking/doing those things because we feel we have to, in order to fit into something or to live up to some imagined expectations. And sometimes we keep doing these things without even realizing it because you just go on autopilot. It’s sort of our way to say that we don’t have to live like that.

But our inspiration comes from everyday life experiences, both ups and downs, but mostly downs. Musically we all have a lot of different genres that we like. Julie likes hardcore and punk and Rikke likes tech death. So we all drag different genres and styles into the rehearsal place and it just goes on from there.

Your music has quite an old school vibe to it. Was that intentional?

We really wanted that raw, gritty sound, as if the music is coming from the abyss! And that’s why we chose to work with Lasse Ballade, because he had made a bunch of cool records that we really admired. Also, we don’t like too many guitar solos and a lot of effects and that was important to us when we picked our producer.

We never sat down and decided to play death doom. The only thing we talked about from the beginning, was to play heavy music with an evil sound and growling vocals. So after the first rounds of rehearsals where we were playing covers, we quickly felt like just playing something of our own. And we just jumped head first in there and made riffs before we even knew exactly what we were doing. I don’t think we knew in the beginning that the songs we were making sounded doomy and old school like and it wasn’t until other people heard it that the genre doom came up. We remember having to write something about our music before our first show in 2016 and just not knowing what to write. So we had to get people in, to get their opinion on it. We've also been compared to some bands that we didn't even know before -- we just play the music we feel like.

Your agenda appears to be quite empty so far. Can we expect to see you on tour again soon?

We just finished our Puritan Masochism Tour with 10 gigs in Denmark, Sweden, Norway and Germany. And we’re going to London and Oslo this month also. We also have some festival gigs for this summer. It’s a pretty big thing for us, when we’re able to go to new places or countries, we have never been before.

We are still a very young band that not a lot of people know of, so we’re actually really happy about our agenda this far. We’ve played at Roskilde Festival and Copenhell, which is the two biggest festivals in Denmark. And to see our first single “Puritan Masochism” on YouTube get so many views is crazy to us, too. Regarding people showing up to shows and buying merch, we’ve always been pretty lucky. People are really good at coming out early to see us and eager to support us in the merch booth, so that is a huge thing for us.

Of course, we would really like to go on bigger tours and play more festivals, as long as it can work out financially. And we are steadily getting more offers, so that’s really exciting! Our booker Thorsten, from Napalm Events is handling all our offers, but we often get messages directly from bookers who want to put on a show with us and then we just direct it to him. And, yes, we have more plans for 2020, but we can’t tell anymore at this moment, sorry!

Your label states that Copenhagen might become the next death doom capital. Do you agree? Are there any death doom or doom bands from your local scene that we should keep an eye on??

That’s a big statement! But there are so many great bands here in Copenhagen and the rest of Denmark. I don’t think that death/doom is the most popular genre here in Denmark. People tend to like it faster. But worth mentioning is the danish band Katla. We just played two gigs with them and they appear to do it pretty well on the Danish scene with a debut album to come in 2020. Otherwise we have bands like Alkymist, Bethmoora, Drukner, Dirt Forge and, of course, Saturnus.

The title 'Puritan Masochism' has a clear religious context. Is Denmark a religious country?

Not really. "Puritan Masochism" is the title for our first single from the album, as well, and it was the first track that was finished for it several years ago. The song is about how us humans have a tendency to put ourselves in situations where we don’t feel good enough. With this song we’re hoping that people will identify and question their habits of doing that. We felt like this would be a great album title because it was something we really resonated with. We did not think of it in a religious context.

Once again, thank you for your time. Any last words for our readers?

Thank you so much and thank you for wanting to interview us! Hopefully we’ll see you at a show at some point. And thank you to all the people out there listening to our music and buying our stuff. This means the world to us.

Follow The Band

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[nationalhoranleague]

Two | Tomorrow

≫ Everly - Monday, October 26, 2015 ≪

"Casey!" Lillian screeched, tossing a green bean at my brother's face, hitting him smack-dab in the nose. "Don't be stupid!"

I glanced up at my father who sat with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at my two older siblings with a disapproving look. My mother sat next to him, her dainty hand trying to hide her smile. I always got a kick out of my parents, they were complete opposites, but they got along so well. You would think that after being with someone for thirty-three years that you would get tired of their antics, but my mother claimed to fall more and more in love with my father each day. I aimed for a relationship like theirs.

"How about you both stop being stupid?" My mother and I giggled as Casey and Lillian instantly stopped arguing to look at my father. Lillian settled back into her seat next to me while Casey wiped at his nose.

My father sighed and everyone was quiet for a moment, all of us eating, the only sound in the room was the clanking of silverware and the clock on the wall behind me ticking.

"Everly Grace," My mother addressed me, tapping on my plate with her fork. I swallowed and looked up at her. "How was practice today?"

I shrugged, now pushing chicken around on my plate. "Not great, I couldn't quite get out of my head today."

She sighed but shrugged her shoulders. "It's fine, it was only one practice, right?"

She had a point, it was only one practice. One bad practice is not the end of the world.

"You're always too hard on yourself, Ev," My dad chimed in. I looked up from my plate to see everyone's eyes on me. "Plus, you just had knee surgery in February, relax a little."

I felt my shoulders relax. My parents always knew how to find the right words to comfort me.

"Are the Penguins still practicing there?" Casey asked suddenly, pulling me from my thoughts. It was almost like he knew that I had done nothing all day but replay my practice and seeing Sidney again in my head.

"Uh, yeah, I think so," I responded, keeping my eyes downcast on my plate. "I don't think our practices overlap, though."

"Really? I read somewhere that Crosby likes to come to practice extra early, usually around the time you finish up." Did he already know? Had a straggling member of the media seen the two of us together?

I coughed, attempting to clear my throat. "Interesting, I'll have to keep an eye out for him."

I glanced up at Casey, who seemed to not know a thing about me seeing Sidney today. I exhaled and allowed my eyes to search for everyone's eyes at the table. Everyone had their view downcast on their food, except for my dad who was wiggling his eyebrows at me, a suggestive look on his face.

Oh, boy.

Because my mom made dinner, my dad had to wash the dishes. I offered to help him as Lillian and Casey made excuses about how much work they needed to do, or how they needed to call their out-of-town fiancées.

It was quiet between us for a while, my hands dunked in soapy water as he dried the plates I handed him. He cleared his throat after he heard my mom turn on a recorded episode of Chicago Fire.

"You're a bad liar you know? You have a tell." He teased, nudging his elbow into my ribs, as he looked over at me with a smirk.

"I do not have a tell!" I argued out, my voice still in a whisper.

My dad laughed, his laugh was hearty and warm and always made me feel safe. "You look at the ceiling,"

I groaned and refused to look over at my dad. A pregnant pause hung in the air. "We've met before," I started. "In Raleigh, Eric Staal introduced us a few years ago."

I looked up to gauge the look on his face. His graying eyebrows were knitted together. "Sidney?"

I nodded, making a piece of hair fall into my eyes. I attempted to blow it back into place. "Crosby," I confirmed.

"So, you saw him again today?" He asked, trying to keep his voice low and calm. My dad was born and raised in Pittsburgh and had been a Penguins fan for as long as he could remember. He absolutely adored Sidney, as a fan of the game, of course.

"Yeah, we met again," I confessed. "He's a really nice guy, you know?" He nodded.

"Yeah, I've heard," He agreed, as I handed him the last clean plate to dry and put away.

"He, uh," I pulled the drain stop from the sink and shook my hands, watching the droplets of water fly from my fingertips and onto the window in front of me. I looked over at my father as I dried my hands, his eyes looked like they were ready to pop out of his head. "He's giving us tickets for tomorrow's game."

"Us?" My dad could barely get the word out.

"Yes, us," I responded, hanging up the dish towel to dry. "Me, you, and mom," I confirmed, causing a wide smile to come across his face.

"Can I meet him?" He was so quiet I almost didn't hear him over the dishes he was putting away clanking together.

I smiled. "I'm sure we can work something out." My dad nodded his head, clearly trying to keep calm. "But, we keep this a secret, between the three of us, deal?"

My dad continued to nod his head eagerly. "Of course." He pulled me into his arms for a hug and I got a strong whiff of his Tim McGraw cologne that he's been using since my mother bought it for him in 2008. "Have I ever told you-you're my favorite daughter?" I laughed but, nodded regardless. It was no secret.

I had just begun to doze off when my phone lit up on my bedside table next to me, the vibration against the wood startling me.

SC

It was so nice meeting you for real today!

Hey! Thanks again for the tickets, Sid!

Anytime. They'll be at will call under my name, they'll ask for your ID, but other than that, you should be all set.

:) We're all so excited! Can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Speaking of which, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to meet for lunch tomorrow before the game?

I would love to! Keep me updated on a time, I can meet you wherever and whenever I'm just unpacking my boxes tomorrow.

Meet me at the Iceoplex around 11?

That's great! See you tomorrow!

See you tomorrow, Ev.

I went to sleep with a grin on my face.

≫ Tuesday, October 27, 2015 ≪

I was shaking as I turned into the Iceoplex parking lot. I had to pee and my nerves in preparation to see Sidney were running high. I was parked there for a minute, just staring at the huge sign in front of the building that read 'Official Training Center of the Pittsburgh Penguins and Olympian Everly Cassius', before I forced myself out of the car and into the cold building. A small part of me wanted to run back to my car and forget about my plans with Sidney all together, but another part of me, a larger, more confident part, wanted to see Sidney. The confident Everly carried me to the front desk of the Iceoplex.

A larger woman behind the desk looked up at me as I propped my arms onto the counter. "Oh, Everly!" She all but screeched before standing up and rushing to hug me.

"It's good to see you too, Rita," I said with a laugh, as she pulled away from me. Rita had been working at the Iceoplex for as long as I could remember, in fact, she taught one of my skating lessons when I was younger. "How are you?" I asked as she walked back around to the other side of the desk and sat down.

"I'm lovely, how are you? How does it feel to be back in the city?" Rita asked me before she quickly turned behind her to look through the window that opened to the ice.

"I'm missing the warm North Carolina weather, but there's no place like home, right? Feels so good to be back." I explained to her as I gazed onto the ice myself. Her eyes followed mine, and she chuckled slightly.

"It's not an open practice today, but I think I'll allow you to be an exception. They're nearly done anyway." Rita said as she tapped a pen on the desk twice before pointing at the entrance to the ice with it.

I smiled, offered a wave, and then walked past her desk and through the door into the spectator area of the rink. I walked down along the front side of the bleachers until I reached what was aligned with center ice and then climbed about four rows up.

There were three men standing on the ice, laughing rather loudly, as they spoke inaudible words to each other. Eventually, after a couple of minutes, they all settled down and slowly began to leave the ice one-by-one. The average-sized guy left the ice first, barely glancing at me as he passed by. Shortly thereafter came the tallest player who stopped just beside the set of bleachers I was perched upon and looked up at me.

"Here for Sid?" I narrowed my eyes but offered a small smile.

"Yeah," He grinned and tilted his head in the direction of the only person still on the ice.

"If he not done in twenty minutes, go get him." The second half of the 'Two-Headed Monster' grinned devilishly before winking at me and making his way down towards where I knew the Penguins' dressing room to be.

I turned my attention back to the scarred ice in front of me and watched as Sidney pushed around some pucks, shooting all but one into the back of the net. The rink was nearly silent, the only sound was of Sidney's skates rushing back and forth across the ice and the occasional puck hitting a pipe. I watched him for a bit, not paying attention to how long I'd been watching until I realized it was a quarter till noon. I hopped down the rows of bleachers and walked towards the goal he was shooting at.

"Hey!" I shouted, knocking on the glass between a set of his powerful shots. His head snapped up and he caught my eyes with his. "Wanna get some food?" He placed a grin on his face as he nodded and then motioned for me to meet him over by the bench door that would allow him to come off of the ice.

Sidney skated over to the bench door and came to a hockey stop, nearly snowing my legs. He pulled his helmet from his head and shook the sweat out of his hair. "Hey, hey, pretty lady." I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks. "How's your day going?"

I cleared my throat. "I can see it getting better,"

Sidney grinned like a three-year-old on Christmas morning. "Let me go get showered and changed and then we'll head out. Twenty minutes tops."

"But, you have to choose." Sidney all but whined, before popping a piece of his waffle into his mouth.

"I think Brendan Gallagher would be entertaining." I offered before taking a sip of my iced tea, which was definitely not sweet.

Sidney nodded, swallowing his bite of waffle. "Not bad, but I was thinking Tyler Seguin."

I laughed and shook my head. "He has some growing up to do first, plus, I don't really think he's looking to give up the bachelor life at the moment," I concluded with a nod of my head, making Sidney crack a smile at me. "We've gotta get a nice guy."

Sidney sat for a moment, watching his fork push his waffle around, sopping up the last bit of syrup on his plate. "Olli,"

"The little blonde Finnish kid? Number three?" Sidney nodded, before taking the last bite of his third waffle.

"He's the nicest guy, has a great back story. He'd be an amazing bachelor." Sidney decided and I nodded, agreeing with him. Bachelors with a backstory tend to be the best kind of bachelors.

"So, it's decided." I declared and Sidney nodded his head. "Do you have a favorite teammate?" The past hour and a half had gone just like this, barely finishing one conversation before starting another.

Sidney laughed and shook his head before pointing his fork at me. "Do you have a favorite sibling?"

I tilted my head and smirked. "Yes, my sister," I answered almost immediately.

Sidney snorted, and then widened his eyes and covered his mouth like he couldn't believe that he had just snorted. "Geno," He spoke, finally, muffing his answer with his hand.

I smiled, now pointing at him with my fork. "That was my guess,"

Sidney was standing on the opposite side of my car door with his arms crossed over one another on my rolled-down window, his sweatshirt hood pulled tightly over his ears. "So, I'll see you tonight?" He asked, grinning widely.

"For sure," I confirmed with a grin.

Sidney smiled at me. "I would like to meet your parents tonight if that's okay with you?"

I laughed, of course, it was okay with me. "Sid, they idolize you, they would love that. Thank you." He grinned, dropping his chin down onto his arms and looking up at me through his incredibly long eyelashes.

"Anytime." Sidney smiled and nonchalantly reached a hand inside my car to play with the buttons on my door, forcing my back windows to roll up and down. "I'm good with parents, you know?" He asked, lightly, making my cheeks flush even darker than before.

"Sidney, you could insult these people and they would thank you." I teased, causing Sidney to fall into a fit of laughter.

He shook his head and stood up straight as he finished laughing with me. "I-I need to get going, but I'll see you tonight." I nodded and he winked at me as he began to walk backward toward his car.

"Good luck, Captain," I called as I turned the key in the ignition and felt my engine turn over.

"Hey, with your beauty in the stands distracting me, I might just need it."

My cheeks were redder than a bunch of cherries, yet again.

Read Change on the Fly here!

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[flightfoot]

Apollo has PTSD

So I’m planning on going through all of Apollo’s various mental issues that I’ve seen, was going to go through them all here... and then realized that PTSD was long enough to deserve a post on its own. Seriously, he’s shown signs of PTSD from SEVERAL different sources, though surprisingly enough, none from the events of TOA itself... yet. I’m betting that’ll change with Jason’s and Crest’s deaths, though.

PTSD

 I think most people know what this looks like. It’s been discussed in popular culture rather a lot in recent years For those who don’t, here’s a quick briefing on it. I’m using that guide for my PTSD criteria. 

Daphne: Even after all this time, he still harbors an intense guilt over her fate, has a tendency to start crying when reminded of her, and tries to avoid forests:

I wanted to say: You remind me of someone. But I didn’t dare open that line of conversation. Only two mortals ever had broken my heart. Even after so many centuries, I couldn’t think of her, couldn’t say her name without falling into despair. (THO 23)

As I said earlier, I was generally not a fan of the woods. I tried to convince myself that the trees were not watching me, scowling and whispering among themselves. They were just trees. Even if they had dryad spirits, those dryads couldn’t possibly hold me responsible for what had happened thousands of years ago on a different continent.

Why not? I asked myself. You still hold yourself responsible. (THO 43)

A woman whispered in my ear. This time I knew the voice well. It had never stopped haunting me. You did this to me. Come. Chase me again.

Fear rolled through my stomach.

I imagined the branches turning to arms; the leaves undulated like green hands.

Daphne, I thought.

Even after so many centuries, the guilt was overwhelming. I could not look at a tree without thinking of her. Forests made me nervous. The life force of each tree seemed to bear down on me with righteous hatred, accusing me of so many crimes….I wanted to fall to my knees. I wanted to beg forgiveness. But this was not the time.

I couldn’t allow the woods to confuse me again. I would not let anyone else fall into its trap. (THO 83)

Apollo can’t stop remembering what happened to her, checking off the “Re-experiencing” box. He shows avoidance symptoms: he tries to avoid things that remind him of her (which is pretty difficult, considering that “trees” are on that list, and he happens to love the outdoors). He doesn’t seem to have the arousal and reactivity symptoms all that badly, unless feeling tense while around reminders of the event counts. He definitely has the cognition and mood symptoms though, since he has those intense feelings of guilt and negative thoughts about himself, which he admitted in his failure song:

I sang of my failures, my eternal heartbreak and loneliness. I was the worst of the gods, the most guilt-ridden and unfocused. I couldn’t commit myself to one lover. I couldn’t even choose what to be the god of. I kept shifting from one skill to another—distracted and dissatisfied.

My golden life was a sham. My coolness was pretense. My heart was a lump of petrified wood. (145)

Of course, Daphne isn’t the only cause of his PTSD: not by a long shot.

Hyacinthus: While Apollo doesn’t seem to have quite as many PTSD symptoms in regard to Hyacinthus’s fate - his guilt over his death doesn’t appear to be quite as intense for starters, since Zephyros can reasonably be blamed for most of it - he still exhibits some of the symptoms. He feels intense sorrow over Hyacinthus’s fate, and has a tendency to break down when reminded of his death:

I opened my eyes and saw a ghost—his face just as precious to me as Daphne’s. I knew his copper skin, his kind smile, the dark curls of his hair, and those eyes as purple as senatorial robes.

“Hyacinthus,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry…”

He turned his face toward the sunlight, revealing the ugly dent above his left ear where the discus had struck him. My own wounded face throbbed in sympathy.

“Seek the caverns,” he said. “Near the springs of blue. Oh, Apollo…your sanity will be taken away, but do not…”

His image faded and began to retreat. I rose from my sickbed. I rushed after him and grabbed his shoulders. “Do not what? Please don’t leave me again!”

[...]

How cruel to see them—the flowers that I had created to honor my fallen love, with their plumes stained red like his blood or hued violet like his eyes. They bloomed so cheerfully in the window, reminding me of the joy I had lost. (141).

Later, in Burning Maze, Apollo loses his temper in his grief over being reminded of Hyacinthus by Herophile’s crossword puzzle:

First the maze forced me to read Walt Whitman. Now it taunted me with my own past. To mention my dead love, to reduce him to a bit of Oracle trivia... No. This was too much.

I sat down on the rim of the fountain and cupped my face in my hands.

[...]

I surged to my feet, my sadness converting to anger. My friends edged away. I supposed I must have looked like a crazy man, and that’s indeed how I felt.

[...]

“Enough is enough! HYACINTH!” I yelled into the corridors. “The answer is HYACINTH! Are you happy?” (TBM 350-351)

His grief still feels fresh, even after all this time. Mind you, I don’t think what’s shown here alone is enough to say he has PTSD over Hyacinthus’s death in particular, but it just compounds the symptoms of PTSD he already had from other events.

That’s still not the end of PTSD symptoms Apollo has accrued over his lovers’ fates. Can’t forget about Commodus.

Commodus: Now, I’m gonna have some trouble categorizing “flashbacks” here. Apollo regularly gets overwhelmed with past memories while in his mortal form, and they frequently don’t appear to be PTSD related, such as his flashback to transforming Emmie and her sister into gods or his memories of Herophile’s past. Still, he’s traumatized by his flashbacks of Commodus in ways that he isn’t for other flashbacks.

When Calypso asks Apollo about combat ostriches, he’s thrown into a flashback of the last time he saw Commodus before he became emperor. He’s distraught after the vision ends:

Then he left the tent - walking, as the Romans would say, into the mouth of the wolf.

“Apollo,” Calypso nudged my arm.

“Don’t go!” I pleaded. Then my past life burned away. (TDP 124)

The vision’s ended at this point, since he’s aware of Calypso again, but mentally, he’s still there, pleading for Commodus to come back - because he knows what will happen to him. But what’s done is done, and no amount of pleading will change the past.

He has a much worse flashback later on, when he remembers murdering Commodus.

Her words struck me in the gut like one of Artemis’s blunted arrows (and I can assure you, those hurt.)

We can take him.

The name of my old friend, shouted over and over.

I staggered to my feet, gagging, my tongue trying to dislodge itself from my throat.

“Whoa, Apollo.” Leo rushed to my side. “You okay?”

“I-” another dry retch. I staggered toward the nearest bathroom as a vision engulfed me... bringing me back to the day I committed murder.

[...]

But as I stumbled to the bathroom, ready to vomit into a toilet I had cleaned just yesterday, dreadful memories consumed me. I found myself in ancient Rome on a cold winter day when I truly did commit a terrible act. (176-177)

Other times Apollo’s had flashbacks, he’s collapsed, but he hasn’t felt this much distress. Needing to strangle Commodus affected him BADLY, as he accounts at the end of the flashback:

Britomartis was wrong. I didn’t fear water. I simply couldn’t look at the surface of any pool without imagining Commodus’s face, stung with betrayal, staring up at me.

The vision faded. My stomach heaved. I found myself hunched over a different water basin - a toilet in the Waystation.

I’m not sure how long I knelt there, shivering, retching, wishing I could get rid of my hideous mortal frame as easily as I lost my stomach contents. (TDP 182)

                                                                                                                                Honestly, this flashback really comes across as being at least influenced by PTSD, considering his highly negative physical reaction to it, which fulfills the “re-experiencing” criteria.

As for avoidance: well, he tries to avoid still pools of water in order to avoid memories of the murder (kinda sucks how commonplace Apollo’s triggers are).

For arousal and reactivity: Apollo just doesn’t have these symptoms as much. Immediately after being reminded he’s slightly snappish, but I don���t think it’s enough to really qualify.

And finally, for cognition and mood symptoms: well he definitely has some feelings of guilt over this, though guilt over the murder itself isn’t all that distorted since, you know, he DID murder him. But he also feels guilt over the events that led up to Commodus going off the deep end, which aren’t really his fault:

I sobbed and hugged the commode - the only thing in the universe that wasn’t spinning. Was there anyone I hadn’t betrayed and disappointed? Any relationship I hadn’t destroyed? (TDP 183)

Negative feelings about oneself: check. Distorted sense of guilt or blame: considering that Apollo didn’t really have a choice in this, him either killing Commodus, or letting someone else do it after he destroyed Rome some more, I’m gonna say check.  

So yeah, at this point Apollo doesn’t really have any faith in himself to even HAVE relationships, though he at least seems to feel a little better after a visit with Jo.

Not all of Apollo’s trauma is related to his dead lovers, though. Who can forget the first source of his trauma, Python!

Python: So the trauma with Python is more hinted at, than fully explored. I have a feeling we’ll see it more in subsequent books, as Apollo gets closer to taking him down again. At least this trauma doesn’t fill Apollo with guilt, so, small mercy there. Also, his memory loss is actually kinda nice here, since the memory of fighting Python is blurred. Python TERRIFIES Apollo, especially in his vulnerable mortal state. He had nightmares of Python for centuries afterwards, and he has a phobia of scaly reptiles, to the extent that he only barely tolerates Hermes’ Caduceus’ snakes. He hasn’t really had flashbacks to the fight that much, though he DOES remember being trapped in Python’s coils when Meg is ALSO caught in a serpent’s coils:

I knew the strength of such a serpent. I remembered being wrapped in Python’s coils, my divine ribs cracking, my godly ichor being squeezed into my head and threatening to spurt out my ears. (TDP 201)

So I guess that MIGHT count as a flashback? Overall though, his trauma with Python seems to mostly just be “that was a nightmarish and scary fight”, but he won and it doesn’t really seem as emotionally taxing as the other things I’ve listed. At least this one doesn’t cause him any cognitive or mood symptoms.

Lastly, I want to talk about something I’ve left OFF the list: Zeus’s lightning. As much as it would make sense for him to have PTSD over being zapped by it, he doesn’t really show signs of it. He acknowledges being hit by the bolts and says he hates it, but the most obvious trigger, lightning, doesn’t actually seem to freak him out.

Still... something was strange about his use of lightning. I could always recognize the power of Zeus in action. I’d been zapped by his bolts often enough. Jamie’s electricity was different - a more humid scent of ozone, a darker red hue to the flashes. (TDP 361-362)

He certainly notes the similarities to Zeus’s lightning, but he doesn’t seem to have any flashbacks or be scared of it. And in TBM, he doesn’t seem especially freaked out by Jason’s use of lightning, even though it WOULD feel the same. 

Before he could recover and decapitate her, Jason got overexcited. 

I say that because of the lightning. The sky outside flashed, the curved wall of glass shattered, and tendrils of electricity wrapped around Timbre, frying him into an ash pile.

Effective, yes, but not the sort of stealth we’d been hoping for. (TBM 251-252)

Apollo just isn’t all that much more freaked out by lightning than he should be. I’m not ENTIRELY sure why that is - though I do have some speculation - but regardless, he doesn’t seem to have PTSD from this in particular, at least.

Apollo has a crapton of PTSD, and with TBM’s events, I’m betting it’ll get worse before it gets better. He does a pretty good job of functioning though, even WITH PTSD, and doesn’t tend to take it out on others (not that he can at the moment). I feel bad for Apollo, and hope that he can come to peace with some of these issues - at least somewhat - by the end of the series.

PTSD isn’t the ONLY issue Apollo has - not by a long shot - but that’s an analysis for another time.

[snknews]

Isayama Hajime Holds Autograph & Q&A Session in Oyama, Oita on March 3rd, 2018

As announced on his most recent blog entry, Isayama Hajime held his latest autograph session in his hometown of Oyama, Oita, Japan!

The lucky fans who were able to attend shared various photos of his sketches and signatures, as seen above. Separate sessions were held with different groups of fans within a room in the onsen resort where the event took place. Each group had 30 minutes to ask him questions and receive illustrations. A total of 30 chosen participants were divided up into 6 groups of 5.

Isayama’s answers to various fan questions are as below (Note: These are fan accounts):

About Levi and the other characters’ updated looks: Levi’s cape is a new, black one. However, Levi couldn’t adapt to the other changes, so he kept his uniform and blades. Kawakubo Shintaro (Isayama’s editor) didn’t want any visual changes for the characters - he even wanted Eren to stay clean-shaven. However Isayama decided to not “shave” Eren too much.

On Older Eren: 19-year-old Eren’s height is 183cm - the same as Grisha. However, Isayama states that Eren was more like Carla when he was younger. [T/N: Grisha is actually 182cm, so Isayama may have misremembered here. Zeke however is 183cm.]

On Erwin’s Burial: The Survey Corps had to move on quickly to fight further after Battle of Shiganshina, but Levi later returned and brought back Erwin’s skeletonized body with him/buried him. Though a lot of soldiers perished, there was a special memorial service for Erwin.

On Horoscopes: Neither Eren nor Jean’s birthdays were decided through horoscope characterizations/stereotypes.

On Levi’s Father: Isayama has no plans to draw Levi’s father in the manga. He’s not anyone significant - Isayama thinks he was probably just a short guy.

On Levi’s Cape (Again): The question was what Isayama thought of fans thinking that the cape belonged to Erwin. Isayama states that there is a sense that Levi dyed the green cape into a black color. He doesn’t know whose cape it was, but if it belonged to Erwin, Isayama doesn’t think the size would’ve worked for Levi.

On New Character Designs (Again): Why didn’t Levi’s change much compared to the 104th? Isayama says he wanted to show that the 104th trainees belong to the “Smartphone Generation,” but Levi decided to stay with his “Flip Phone.” Levi doesn’t understand the younger generation, and he is turning into an old man (Literally “Oji-san”).

On Erwin: Will Erwin appear in the manga again, even if just for one panel? Isayama says he thinks there are still chances, such as in flashbacks.

On Levi’s Eyesight: Levi’s vision is measured at 2.0

Hardcore Eren: If Eren goes to karaoke, what type of songs will he sing? Isayama: “Metal.”

General Eren Facts: Besides now standing at 183cm, Eren is also a heavyweight drinker (Doesn’t get drunk easily) and good at cleaning. He is now influenced by a lot of the memories he retained, and he determinedly chopped off his own leg before entering Marley. His irises are a grey-ish color and his bloodtype is B.

Toying with His Editor:  "Will you be happy with developing the future plot similar to how you drew the story so far?" Isayama: "Yes! But I want to see the readers anticipating [the upcoming plot].” Kawakubo: "Like he said, I've been saying the same thing! Everyone is looking forward to it." Isayama: "...Then I'll change the story."

Eren & Elysium: When Eren asked Falco "Is that person...a girl?", he was under the influence of other people's memories (Possibly Grisha in that moment). The new Survey Corps uniform was inspired by Matt Damon’s external armor/exoskeleton in Elysium (Below). When asked about the members going to the restroom, Isayama: “It would be better to open a hole in that design...”

Lots More Information: Isayama on Eren’s bloodtype - "Because this is a fantasy series, maybe there are not only 4 blood types. But then again, are they even counted as human...?" [T/N: This somewhat contradicts the earlier fan account where Isayama said outright that Eren’s bloodtype was B...]. “What will Levi think of Eren’s current look?” Isayama (Without hesitation): “Dirty.” [T/N: As in unclean, of course] "Was it Eren's own idea to grow his hair long?" Isayama: "Right now he is in a state where he is no longer paying attention to how people view him, so he just let it grow out." "Did Eren consider the fact that he will be infiltrating Marley when he grew out his hair?" Isayama: “Since he was supposed to be a hospitalized patient, he actually should’ve kept a cleaner hairstyle.” [T/N: A little vague, but this basically sounds like Eren didn’t mean to grow his hair out as a disguise] “Were there any cases of when you let the characters’ behavior and dialogue develop organically?”
 Isayama: “In general, I let the characters evolve on their own. I don’t remember things after I draw them. I can’t look at my storyboard calmly right after I finish them, so Bakku-san (Kawakubo) is the one who reads them objectively.” “Following up on that answer: Bakku-san will immediately read your storyboard (In less than one day) after you submit them to him?” Isayama: “Since he has been waiting for the storyboard to arrive, in most cases he will read them in one or two hours after I give them to him.” “Did they (Eren and Levi) resolve the confusion of when Eren said ‘midget old man (chibi oyaji)’? Or did Eren apologize?” Isayama: “Levi is not concerned about being referred to that way. But after Eren said it and Levi thought about the moniker by himself later, he seemed hurt. He probably thought “So Eren sees me like that….” “Any plan to draw the four-year period back on Paradis island?”
 Isayama: “That’s something I can’t tell you for now. (Kawakubo also chimed in here and said: “Isayama-sensei won’t tell you anything, but please look forward...”) “Kenny said he will never go to a brothel. Does Levi think the same way?” Isayama: “Because it’s an environment that Levi had been part of since childhood, it seems like he considers prostitution as just another ordinary job.” “What is Eren’s current body weight?” Isayama: “If I have to answer that now - he indeed gained some weight because he has grown taller. However, he has a rather slender body.”

Chef Levi: “When the characters lived in the castle [T/N: Not sure if this meant Utgard or the SC headquarters], who made the meals?”
 Isayama: “Everyone. Everyone knows how to cook, because they are soldiers.” 
“So it doesn’t matter if someone is a new cadet or not?” Isayama: “Ohhh. In that sense, maybe those who are in higher ranks don’t cook.” “Then can Levi cook?” Isayama: “I think he can.” “Does he hold the knife in a reverse fashion?” Isayama: “He holds it the normal way. If he holds a cooking knife in reverse, he would just seem like a cocky person (Laughs}.”

Bloodtypes (Again): “Please tell me the blood types of Shingashina Trio.”
 Isayama: “If we are talking in the sense of normal blood types, then Eren is B, Armin is O, and Mikasa AB.”

Anime Changes: “At the end of Season 1′s OP, Eren’s eyes turned red. Was it an effect of him turning into his titan form?” Isayama: “It’s because the anime was completely at director Araki’s discretion. In the original work, it was not designed like that.”

Eren, Levi, & Cleaning: “I feel that Eren has been together with the Captain for a long time. Will their actions or language be influenced by one another?” Isayama: “For Eren, [the thing that influences him the most is] the cleaning. It is not because he likes cleanliness, but more that he has to do it - otherwise he will get scolded.” “Does Eren have a cleaning skill he is very good at?” Isayama: “It would be that — dusting. [T/N: Isayama’s original word here means “beating/knocking and dusting”. It can mean dusting general objects or dusting a futon, during which you hang the material outside. Judging from his next sentence saying Eren could make a stick for cleaning, Isayama was likely referring to him beating a futon and dusting it that way.] Maybe he would make a stick from tree branch and then wrap it with clothing or cotton.” “Then how will Levi react to it?!” Isayama: “Ohh, wouldn’t Levi want to see it (Laughs)? Although he wouldn’t consider it as good work, he would be quite surprised [T/N: There is a sense of “caught off-guard” in his feeling].”

Another Character Death: “There have been a lot of character deaths up to now. Is anyone going to die in the future?” Isayama: “I don’t even know, but I’ve decided for one person to die. It’s  like when I draw the storyboard and I suddenly realize - ‘Huh? [This person] just died?’ But for other characters, I still don’t know.”

High School AU: “The High School AU is very popular among fans. Will you make it into a complete story?” Kawakubo: “Isayama-sensei is very into the idea of doing a spin-off.” Isayama: “I’m very concerned about its quality. I think I can only do that if I have the chance to learn about American culture in-depth, and draw it in a detailed fashion.”

Levi in the High School AU: “What’s the color of janitor Levi’s jumpsuit in SnK High School AU?” Isayama: “Deep blue. I based its model on the game Life is Strange.”

On Fanworks:  “Have there been times where you came across ‘secondary creations’ of your work (e.g. Donjinshi and/or fanart)? If so, what perspective do you have of them?”
 Isayama: “There are times when I have come across them. That alone has already made me happy. Like, people are creating new types of ‘fun’ out of Shingeki. I don’t mind no matter how you are having fun with it.”

On SnK’s Manga’s Ending Date: “Have you decided on when to finish this series? Have you ever considered timing its completion with the Tokyo Olympics (In 2020) somehow?” Isayama: “I'm now working on the manga without any decision about the ending date. But [Kawakubo and my] shared idea is to finish it quickly. Five years ago, we decided to finish the series in three years (Isayama and Kawakubo laugh together).”

Erwin as a Character: “What’s the role of Erwin in the work Shingeki no Kyojin?” Isayama: “For the protagonists, it is necessary to have a charismatic superior, and that ;person is Erwin. I think he never broke into cold sweat. It would be wrong for him to get that nervous/anxious.”

Revisiting Erwin and Bertholt in Flashbacks: “I find it hard to draw Erwin in flashbacks, because I feel there was already a perfect ending for him. But for Bertholdt, I haven’t finished drawing him…”

Bertholt’s Family: “To be honest, I didn’t think much about his family. If I’m going to consider it right now, he is probably performing his tasks (e.g. Being a child warrior) for the sake of his father.”

Why Bertholt was Chosen for Colossal Titan: “He had his own hidden opinion towards the fact that he was asked to take on the most important responsibility. Well, I think [it’s because] he could do anything [physically], so [he might think] ‘I can also grow mentally stronger in the future [by doing this].’”

On Character Deaths: “But I don’t think the characters literally ‘died.’ Even if they died in the story...well...they still often appear somewhere else. [T/N: We’re not sure if he meant they would appear in the story again or appear in another form, such as in the anime or merch]

Kawakubo is Nervous About these Q&As (LOL): “Things like this… I… I am not remembering all the things Isayama-kun is saying here. There is going to be trouble for me later when we make guidebooks for things like birthdays or other stuff.”

Janitor or Thief?: In the High School AU where Levi entered Eren’s room, he entered through the window.

Eren & Alchol (Again): “Does 19 y/o Eren drink alcohol?” Isayama: “I think he drinks, but how should I put this…there is ‘compliance’ in the manga industry regarding adolescent law [T/N: To prohibit mangaka from drawing illegal situations. In this case, the legal age in Japan to drink alcohol is 20]. Maybe it would be fine to draw alcohol? As long as it is not in the anime.”

On Spin-Offs (Also combining this Tweet): “How should we consider the relationship between SnK spin-offs and the original manga?” Kawakubo: “Kyojin Chuugakkou (Jr. High)’s author had creative freedom.” Isayama: “Regarding ACNWR, I talked roughly in advance with the author about things that could happen in the underground world.” [T/N: OP mentioned her memory was not clear and she could be wrong] Isayama’s own design was that Erwin noticed thug Levi in the underground and decided to draw him into the Survey Corps.

On Levi’s Return: “Recently I haven’t been drawing Levi in the manga. Sorry that I drew a far too smooth/straightforward return for him when I finally made him appear again.”

On Mike’s Death: “What were the feelings of Levi and Erwin and others when they heard of Mike’s death? It was necessary to have their feelings depicted in the manga, right?” (Kawakubo smiled bitterly) Isayama: “Why did I rush that back then and not draw it properly?” Kawakubo: “It was too early for a good person to die.”

Clarifying Erwin’s Burial Further: Levi carried back Erwin’s bones and then everyone buried him together.

On Erwin and Levi Touching Hands: “When entrusting the syringe and serum, was there any meaning behind the scene when Erwin and Levi’s hands touched each other’s?” Kawakubo (Laughing): “Are you asking about Isayama-san’s meaning or Erwin and Levi’s meaning?” Isayama: “There is no particular meaning. In reality, if this were two real people, it would also be normal for them to touch hands…”

On Erwin’s Mom: When asked about Erwin’s mom’s story... Isayama: “I’ll start thinking about it from now on." Kawakubo: “We need to have a memopad here [for him to help Isayama keep track of all his responses/new ideas].”

On Names: “What was your reason to use German names such as Yeager and Ackerman? Because of the words’ feeling?” Isayama: “In most cases, I learned about or searched for their meanings after I found their pronunciations to be captivating. Doesn’t the German language sound cool?”

On the Setting: The model of the SnK anime is Germany, but for the manga, it’s not only Germany but a mix of countries. Isayama also referenced castles in Portugal.

More About Levi: “Levi’s face resembles his mother, but his height is like his father?” Isayama: “Yes. I drew Levi’s great-grandfather with the sense that he would look like Levi with a beard, so Levi resembles his great-grandfather.” “Sometimes Levi’s bangs seem weird. Why is that?” (This was in reference to the sketch she received) Isayama: “That’s…’bed hair’…” “Does the Captain get angry?” Isayama: “I feel that he gets angry… quite often.” “Even in private?” Isayama: “Yah. He can get grumpy for whatever reason…”

Erwin & the New Gear:  Erwin has high alcohol tolerance. The new Survey Corps uniform is made of leather. The anti-personnel vertical maneuvering equipment is easier to master than the original 3DMG, so it’s carried by a lot of new soldiers during the Marley battle. Overall, the maneuvering equipment is getting lighter and lighter.

New Gear & Isayama:  For Levi and Sasha (Plus others) - characters who have specialties - they choose equipment based on their own preferences. Erwin, Levi and Magath don’t break into cold sweats. The food Isayama likes is Famichiki (See this post for reference). The sightseeing spot Isayama likes is Shimantogawa (In Kochi prefecture)

On Floch: “Will Floch be the ‘cause’ of anything later in the manga?” Isayama: “Are you asking about the meaning of his name?” “Ah…no, I am asking about his mere existence…” Isayama: “Yep, he will have a very important role.” “!!! You mean he will have a ‘wild card’ kind of role?” [T/N: OP was referring to a figurative role, i.e. Floch being a plot device in a literary or theater work; Thanks @darlingpoppet for this tip] Isayama: “Yes.” [T/N: Isayama answered this question without hesitation]

On Chapter 84: “What is the metaphorical meaning of the Chapter 84 title ‘Midnight Sun’?” Isayama: “The basic idea of the title is that ‘[The sky is] bright even in a dark night.’ Bright, like the sun does not set. In other words… Erwin’s death means the sun has set. But in fact, it still feels like the ‘Sun’ never sets. The title sort of contains this message.”

Also on Chapter 84:  "What were the 104th thinking at that time [When Bertholt tried to speak to them]?" Isayama: "Hmm, they seemed to just feel “Oh...” about whether Armin could be saved or not. Though Bertholt was confounded and pleaded for help, I think they wished for him to stop."

Erwin’s Burial:  “Does Erwin have a tomb?” Isayama: “I think he was buried. Recently I’ve been thinking that I have to draw it…But maybe I didn’t want to draw a mourning scene for a specific character, because I have this problem of not wanting to treat someone too differently from other soldiers...”

Death Scenes: “I think you drew Erwin’s and Armin’s death with great detail. Did you decide how to illustrate those scenes from the beginning?” Isayama: “Yes. I decided on them quite a long time ago. I’ve been drawing just for these moments to come.”

Jean & Bertholt: "Do Jean and Bert have others that they have crushes on?" Isayama: "Ah...I think what I've drawn so far is just how it is...I don't think there are any others..."

PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANT, this was Isayama’s Disclaimer at One of the Sessions: “Ultimately, the story resembles a living creature in the way it evolves. My answers during this autograph event are just some of all the possibilities that can happen. I hope you can ask questions while having this idea in mind.” [T/N: Isayama, forever the King of Vagueness] 

Photo sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29

The above contains all the photos/fanaccounts we could find, but if you come across anything that hasn’t been translated yet, please let us know!

Related News: Interviews || Events || Isayama Hajime || Photos: Fantaken || Photos: Isayama Sketches || Translations: Interviews Archival News: Interviews || Isayama Hajime

[gohyuck]

into it - m.l.

some of the lowest parts of your senior year with mark, and one of the highest

warnings, a/n, etc. under the cut <3

wc: 6.3k

warnings: school, misuse of prescription medicine, windrawal, angst (dw it ends fairly happy i would say), uhhh some smutty themes. maybe. there’s no actual smut in this it just gets close ig

a/n: this is literally just me projecting onto mark mixed with some other stories from other competitive schools from around me - if anyone wants to talk about how shitty school is with me they’re free too! i’m a slave to gpa. yeet. i think i might’ve projected onto the reader too please don’t @ me...

description should’ve been “in which mark is the author and the reader is the author and the author is barely a person”

idk this fic seems kinda pointless but . anyways

anyways enjoy <3

song: into it - chase atlantic

Yeah I've been catching planes for the fun of it Then I'll be watching fame turn to punishment The weather's only sunny when I'm under it And I haven't really changed, yeah I'm just confident

33 school days until Graduation

Living fire begets cold, impotent ash.

Mark can’t help but reread the line once. Twice. Thrice. 

He’s studying to distract himself. That, and he’s studying because he needs to, but mostly, it’s a distraction. 

From what? 

He’s trying not to think about it. 

A small part of Mark wonders why he’s rereading Things Fall Apart. While it’s definitely one of the better school-assigned books he’s been forced to dissect - Chinua Achebe knows how to make a point - its attractiveness diminishes every time he opens it again to page one. 

The first time he’d read it, Mark had been captivated without his special little boost. The main character, while terrible, was too relatable - Mark isn’t a fan of failure, either. 

The second time was to study for the 60 question test on the novel. It was less interesting this time around, but Mark still diligently annotated it, spending three days with his eyes glued to the page and fingers cramping around his lucky pencil. Every time he closed his eyes, Achebe’s land of Umuofia appeared. It was there when he opened his eyes, too. 

The third time was to find evidence to use in his analysis essay on what type of hero Okonkwo is. At this point, all that Mark was sure of was that Okonkwo sure as hell wasn’t his hero. Still, Mark typed until his fingers felt raw. 

The 97 scrawled across the top of his printed copy, returned a week later with a slightly smeared red smiley face alongside it, had made it worth it. The knowledge his teacher disclosed to him after class while gushing over his word choice - that nobody in the grade had scored higher than him - doubled his (short-lived) satisfaction. 

Now, Mark’s eyes are laser-focused on the novel in front of him. Their teacher had mentioned in passing that there would be a couple of questions pulled from the book on the last test of the marking period, and he can’t afford to miss anything on the test. He’s got a 98 in the class, and the idea of it dropping makes him squirm. 

It’s nearing 3 am, and he’s desperately wishing that he’d opted to stay at home and study rather than go skateboarding with Jeno and Jisung right after school.  He chides himself on not considering the opportunity cost (God, he’s even thinking in economics now. Economics. Fuck.) before going out. Reaping rewards before sowing them has never worked before - there’s no reason it would’ve today, either. 

There are about four bags of Cheez-Its, a half gallon of water, and 20 milligrams of Adderall lying at the bottom of his stomach. He’s kind of hungry, but he can’t be made to give two shits. Mark tells himself that he can eat later. He hasn’t had dinner yet. It’ll be a reward for finishing the book. 

Mark’s phone buzzes. Once. Twice. Thrice. He pays it no mind. He’s getting nearer and nearer to the end of the novel, and once he finishes he can let himself go for the night. Calculus is done, as well as French, Physics, and Economics (fucking Economics). There’s nothing in his other classes. He’s got swim practice after school, but there’s no way for him to prepare for that. At least - he hasn’t found one yet. 

I'm just fucking lucky I was born with it A hundred million people couldn't deal with this I've been tryna grow cause people kill for it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit

“Have you considered sleeping early and waking up early to study?”

You don’t answer with a hello when he calls you back - you never have and never will. It’s 4:14 in the morning and you know that Mark’s calling you back now because he’s finished everything. There’s probably Adderall still in his system and a crease in his forehead from worrying that it still isn’t enough studying or time devoted. 

“Good morning to you, too.” Mark’s voice is low, lower than usual. It’s the lack off sleep, you know this. You shouldn’t find the huskiness in it attractive, but you do. It’s one of the less fucked up side-effects of the stress both him and you put yourselves through. 

“Would be if I wasn’t up at ass o’clock in the morning.”

“Hey - be proud of me. At least I have it in me to work hard like this. The way we’re both going, if we don’t die before college, we can get full rides to the fucking Ivies and end up some crazy millionaire couple on the front of Time magazine. Making 40 million before 40.”

“I love it when you maladaptive daydream to me, babe. Really gets me going.”

Mark chuckles at this, and you hear a rustling sound in the background on his end. He’s putting all of his things into his backpack for tomorrow, you guess. You’re right. 

“And I am proud of you.” You continue, knowing that he’s listening, probably with his phone tucked between his shoulder and ear as he tidies up his desk. He can’t put you on speaker - both of you shudder to think what will happen if either of your parents find out that you’re up at dawn, talking to the significant other neither of you are allowed to have. They think you’re both just best friends - two kids too wrapped up in school to have the time to date, anyways. “But, I think you’re nuts. I think I’m nuts. You’re worse, but... anyways. I’m proud of you, but you never call me back this late. It’s usually a “ttyl” text, or some shit. What’s wrong?”

The line goes silent. He’s stopped moving altogether on his end. 

He sighs. It’s heavy, and kind of empty, and you immediately know that he’s already cried this out. You wait.

This is what he’d been trying to distract himself from with Things Fall Apart. 

“My rank dropped.”

On impulse, you wince in response. The first semester ranks your school had given out not a week earlier are your and Mark’s second to last ranks as seniors - there’s only one semester left to redeem yourself if you fuck up. Even though college applications have been submitted for months and acceptances are about to start coming out, you know that falling still aches.

Top 10% of your class get recognized. Top 10 get special honors and get to walk first. Valedictorian and Salutatorian get to give speeches, five minute pieces that will be forgotten by everyone but them the next day. You’ll all be free for three months before starting the best and worst years of your lives. 

Graduation day is the focus now, as it has been since the first day of ninth grade. You’ve managed to stay well within the top 5%, to your own merit, but Mark’s always been in the top 10 - with walking honors. 

At least, up until last week. 

He’d been 10th at the end of Sophomore year, and now, apparently, he isn’t. 

You can’t begin to imagine how he feels. 

“How much?”

“Two. My GPA went up a wholeass .1, though.” He’s looking for the bright side by himself, now. It’s progress from last year. A part of you is glad. The other half of your heart aches. 

Before you can convey this, or even begin to formulate a response, Mark continues speaking. “I’ve been trying to remind myself that other people would kill to be 12th.” He inhales sharply. “Fuck.”

“And you’d kill to not. You’re killing yourself to not.” 

“I -”

“Mark.”

“I’m fine, baby.” His petname sounds forced, as if he can’t believe his own words. “I’m lucky, I have a good memory. You know this. I don’t work myself nearly as hard as you think I do, or as I should be.” 

“So you don’t pop pills all the damn time so you can study a week’s worth of material in a night?”

Your voice is tight - you’re no stranger to work and overwork, but Mark is on another plane. It feels like he’s so far gone, sometimes, that you can’t touch him. He’s on the other end of the line, but he’s a million miles away.

He lets a puff of air pass through his lips. Seconds tick by. 

Mark breaks the silence.

“It’s getting late. We have class in a few hours. I’ll pick you up at 8?”

You blink. Your anger at him, at the system, and, for almost no reason you yourself can discern, at yourself, wanes just slightly. It really is late - early - and, as if your body realizes this only after Mark says it, you yawn. Mark hears it clearly, letting a small smile grace his features for a split second because of it.

“Night.” It’s short and sweet, but he’s always been able to tell how much you love him. At this point, it doesn’t matter how much or how little you say.

“Night.” His response is just as succinct. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” 

He called, so he hangs up - it’s been your system since the eighth grade. It’s worked surprisingly well for four years.

You wish everything was as easy as who gets to hang up. 

After plugging your phone into its charger and turning into your blanket, you stifle another yawn. Before sleep finds you, you can’t help but whisper it into existence, your words muttered into your pillow for whatever higher power finds them-

Let him Be. He deserves it. Let him Be. He works so, so fucking hard. Let him Be.

Your thoughts are muddled, but that’s because it’s nearing 4:45 in the morning. You aren’t even entirely sure of what you’re saying. For what feels like the millionth time, you wonder how you’ll be able to get up in time for school within 3 hours. You wonder how Mark will do it. A part of you hopes that he forgets to set his alarm and gets the sleep he so desperately needs and deserves. 

He’s leaning against his car, scrolling through something on his phone when you open your door. You don’t bother checking the time. It’s about 7:54. You’d checked your grades about five minutes ago at 7:48. You’re wearing his favorite sweatshirt - the blue swim team one that’s too small on him and too big on you (it’s his damn shoulders, and that’s the only reason why). He appreciates your outfit, checking to make sure that your parents aren’t outside and leaning across the center console to slip his cold hands under the sweatshirt while finding your lips with his own to show you the extent of this appreciation. 

It isn’t until you pull away from him to see that it’s 8:02 that he shifts to Drive, though not before sending you a smirk while buckling his seat-belt and checking his mirrors. 

You check your calendar. 

32 school days ‘til Graduation. 

But I'm into it, I'm into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I'm into it, I'm into it, I'm into it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit But I'm into it, I'm into it

25 school days until Graduation

You see it as a well-deserved break. You aren’t quite sure what Mark thinks. A distraction? You hope not. You’re more than just a distraction. You should be, at least. 

There’s not much time to mull this unpleasant thought over, though, as he teasingly nips at the sensitive skin of your inner thigh. One of your hands flies to his hair, while the other keeps you sitting up in his bed while you’re still leaning back. One of his hands is on your thigh, while the other is splayed across your stomach, hiking your camisole up. His shirt is off - it has been for a while. There’s hickeys dotting his collarbone. 

If your mind was working, you’d be admiring your handiwork. 

“Your underwear’s still on,” He moves back slightly so his eyes meet yours, your fingers still entangled in strands of dark brown hair. His lips are red from kissing you earlier. You know for sure that your pupils are blown as wide as his are. “Can I change that?” Mark’s fingers are running over the elastic waistband that separates him from your skin. 

You blink. You swallow.

A voice in the back of your mind begs you to say yes, begs you to guide his head back to where you want his mouth. You haven’t fucked him in weeks, it whispers. If you don’t now, it’ll be even longer.

“Mark,” His name comes out as more of a whine that you expect. He dips his head down, pressing a chaste kiss on your knee.

“Hm?”

You’re this close - this close - to begging him. You can practically feel him on top of you - inside you - already.

Until, of course, your logic prevails.

“Mark,” You say his name again, without the rawness this time. His gaze bores into yours, awaiting your response. 

“Calc.”

Mark stays on his knees for a moment, and in that moment he seems hesitant to move. That’s dangerous - if he stays down any longer, you’ll beg him to continue. 

Thankfully, he presses one last, reverent kiss over your underwear before pushing himself up off of the floor. You’re still holding your breath. 

“I can’t believe I just got cock-blocked by math.” He grins at you, not perturbed. Mark’s nothing if not respectful. He tosses you your shorts before beckoning you back over to the floor beside his desk. 

Mark sits down, cross-legged, in front of you, but not before handing you your math notebook and grabbing his own. Your calculus textbook goes between the two of you.

“We can rain check.” You say. He quirks an eyebrow. 

It’s hot. He’s hot. 

You imperceptibly shake your head - you’re still flustered, and would give anything to be underneath your boyfriend. The only reason you aren’t is because your math grade depends on you acing tomorrow’s calculus test. 

“Come again?” Mark knows what you said - his teasing ass just wants to hear it again. You know what he wants to hear. 

“I want you to fuck me later.” You look him in the eyes, pleased to see a hint of a blush. Sometimes you miss the early stages of your relationship - where Mark had been constantly tripping over his own feet and as red as a fire hydrant. You’d been the smoother one, then. 

One corner of Mark’s mouth turns up, and he leans over the textbook to give you a short kiss. 

“I’m into that.” 

I'm getting way too deep I'm fucking into it I'm into it, yeah I'm into it I wouldn't change it for the world I'm fucking into it

He pulls a pill bottle from a box he keeps in the bottom right drawer of his desk. It’s where he stores everything important to him - polaroids of him and you together, his calendar, the swim team schedule and his list of swim times, his phone charger, his planner... and his Adderall. 

Mark takes his typical dosage into the palm of his hand, swallowing the pills dry. He moves to put the pill bottle back. It’ll be some time before it kicks in, but the rest of the day is ahead of both of you. 

He always takes some before studying, but never asks you to. It’s not something he wants for you. You’ve never asked, too - it’s not something you want for yourself. 

Your tongue feels like sandpaper, though, and every breath you take makes it feel as if there’s more lead in your lungs than air. Your math grade flashes through your mind. You need to ace the test for your grade and, by extension, your sanity. 

“Babe.” Without being fully aware of yourself, you place your hand on top of his. Neither of you will move from the floor in...hours. You’re sure of this. You may as well make the absolute most of it. 

“Give me some.”

I’ve been on the road since I was sixteen They don’t really notice I how I see things These girls they come and go between my bedsheets And I’ve been doing blue and causing big scenes, yeah

17 school days until Graduation

"Remember when we were sixteen?”

“Like... last year? Yeah.”

You turn over onto your side to face your boyfriend, only to find your nose in his bare chest. Mark chuckles. He moves back, allowing you to shift so that you’re face to face with him. 

“Fifteen and sixteen, at least. For sophomore year. Do you remember any of sophomore year?”

“Less depression.” His hard words come out soft, paired with an even softer smile. Mark wraps an arm around your waist, pulling your body into his. Skin on skin. “Less getting laid, too.”

“Shut up,” You’re smiling now, too. The melancholy presses against your thoughts.

“I was talking about the less depression part, actually.”

“What about it?” Mark seems and sounds slightly antsier, all of a sudden. 

As he always does when you bring up things he might not want to hear. 

“Nothing big, just like... don’t you miss it? Going out sometimes and actually feeling like highschoolers?”

“We went to libraries, babe, and to the mall like every couple of months. It wasn’t anything special.”

“It was easier, though.” You bury your face in the crook of his neck, breathing in. His skin is warm - you aren’t surprised. “No drugs and shit.”

Mark pulls away from you, very, very slightly. 

“Adderall isn’t a drug.” His voice is adamant. The speed of his switch from soft to rough is almost alarming. “You’ve had it once. You aren’t addicted.” 

You sigh, choosing not to respond. You’re too fucked out to fight him. Instead, you run the pads of your fingers over his collarbone. 

“No, but I’m addicted to you.”

Pull up and I’m higher than the big trees, yeah She don’t really like it but she needs me, yeah She saying she don’t really miss me But fuck it, now I’m faded after all things, yeah

12 school days until Graduation

“I can’t fucking believe you.” 

He pauses his notes to look up at you, taking in how your eyes are flashing. Your voice is controlled, but the fire in your eyes is unrivaled. The pill bottle is on its side - empty. The last time you’d seen it, which had been the last time you’d thought you’d ever see it, there had been one dosage left. A dosage that you’d been led to believe had ended up being flushed. 

You aren’t mad that he lied - at least, you think you aren’t. You’re mad that he, for the first time in years, broke a promise. 

Mark is unbothered by your tone. You’ll calm down eventually - whether its sooner or later makes no difference to him. Your boyfriend isn’t actually hearing you, anyways. It’s another reason as to why he isn’t really responding. His silence isn’t an invitation for you to continue, but it’s something nonetheless.

You take it.

“Ranks came out three days ago. You’re back in the top 10, Mark. You’re graduating in the top 10. We’re about to graduate, and you’re spending your time still fucking studying even when there’s only two weeks left of our senior year. You’re still on those goddamn pills when you promised me-”

“Just because I reached one goal doesn’t mean that everything else doesn’t matter anymore.” Short. You expected nothing else. 

“What’s everything else? What else is more important than your health? School? We’re pretty much done for three months. We don’t even have any fucking grades left to go in the grade book. We’re done, Mark. Senior year is over.”

He doesn’t respond for a beat of silence - two, three, four beats - fully focused on whatever is in front of him. It isn’t until you cease your pacing to stand directly behind him, hands on the back of his chair, that he even considers gracing you with a comment. 

“I’m looking over my times, trying to make a better workout regime so I can shed milliseconds.” Mark is straight with his words - he wants you to stop talking so he can politely ignore you. His shoulders are hunched into himself, his glasses digging into the bridge of his nose. The way he’s staring at the slightly crumpled time sheet in front of him makes you wonder if it’s possible to re-kill dead trees. 

“Your times are your lock screen.”

“So?”

“So- so? You always have them with you and you’re always looking at them, you don’t need Adderall to work on a workout schedule. You don’t need it at all, if I’m being fucking honest, and-”

He cuts you off for the second time in less than five minutes, his voice as sharp as a knife.

“You have no damn clue what I need.”

Your hands release his chair on reflex as you step back, everything about your body screaming that you’re offended. Mark pays this no heed, turning back to his desk.

It’s just one sentence, eight words, and part of you wants to argue. Part of you wants to bring up all of the times he’s leaned on you, the times you yourself have been exactly what he needs, but you know that that wouldn’t be playing fair. 

He’s gotten like this before, where he’s frozen everyone - frozen you - out without not so much as a thought. You’ve fought before, too, out of inevitability.

He’s never, however, been so blatant or blunt. Nothing he’s ever said before has hurt this much, for some reason. It’s jarring, and, before you know it, your throat is heavy. There are no tears pooling, but you know that they’ll come to you later. 

Without a word, you pick up your belongings. You’d worn one of his sweatshirts to his house, but opt to go home without it. 

Being petty can be subtle, after all. Mark deserves it, you think, anyways. 

You call a goodbye to his mother as you walk out the front door to your car. You make it to the end of his street before having to pull over and park, resting your forehead against the top of the steering wheel. A stray tear finds itself tracing a wellworn track down your face, leaving you to sigh. 

God, crying over a boy? Pathetic.

Your intrusive thoughts are screaming - laughing, hysterically, at your state. You dismiss them, willing yourself to think straight. 

Not just a boy, I’m crying over Mark. 

Sniffling, you beg yourself to get it together. Staying still can only lead to reminiscing over elementary school Mark, who promised you that he’d never leave your side (after, of course, you accidentally eating a worm and bursting into tears out of a fear of dying from it), to 8th grade Mark confessing his feelings for you in PE, moments before getting hit in the face by a particularly well-thrown dodgeball from Yukhei. Mark is as much a boyfriend as he is and almost always has been the most comforting and reliable presence in your life. With him so firmly, without a second thought, dismissing you...

You breathe in. Sharply.

It’s either drive home to avoid the reality of how much of a stronghold Mark has over your feelings or stay parked and traipse down memory lane, like, as you remind yourself, a goddamn pansy. A voice of reason tells yourself not to be harsh on yourself - you’ve known Mark for what? 12? 13? years and it’s normal to be hurt by him brushing you aside. A louder voice tells you to quit pitying yourself.

If Mark hurts himself mentally, you hurt yourself emotionally. 

Blinking away forming tears, you sit back and turn the ignition.  

5:53 pm

mark...us zusak 

>>did you get home safely

                                                                                      maybe<<

>>im glad

                                                                                          cool<<

6:12 pm

>>picking you up tmrw?

                                                                                          sure<<

>>ok

>>i’m really sorry

read 7:09 pm

But I’m into it, I’m into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I’m into it, I’m into it, I’m into it This mental pressure got me popping pills and shit

5 days until Graduation

You have to give him credit - after a somewhat teary but controlled argument in his car on the way to school, focused on why Mark really doesn’t need Adderall in his life, and on why he really doesn’t need to carry it with him to college, he really has tried giving it up. All seemed to be going well, even, for a couple of days.

You hadn’t realized how fast withdrawal would hit him. 

It isn’t as if either of you are wholly unprepared - you’ve both seen it happen to others. Adderall withdrawal can be dangerous, heightening both depression and anxiety. Even a slight dip in Mark’s mood has the inside of your mouth drying up. 

You can’t imagine what it feels like for him.

After all, neither of you are strangers to mental illness, but withdrawal is somewhere you can’t say you’ve been. 

Currently, Mark’s tongue is down your throat. The back of your mind screams at you that this is his way of dealing with withdrawal - by getting himself addicted to you. You know that this is the truth - that whatever he’s doing can end up being unhealthy for him - but you don’t have it in you to deny him as his fingers dip beneath the waistband of your jeans and his other hand makes its way under your shirt and bra. 

You can’t help the moans that escape you. 

The pads of his fingers are rough against the skin of your back as he unclasps your bra, pulling it off of you along with your shirt. In the same arc, you hastily pull his shirt over his head, unzipping his jeans not long after. 

It isn’t until you’re splayed out on your bed, eyes already fucked out before he’s even touched you, that Mark breathily asks if you’re sure. As he always does.  

A part of you wants to deny him - for his own good, you tell yourself. Maybe for your own. (Is it possible to get addicted to a person when you aren’t running away from something else?)

The other, larger part of you wants you to pull his head to yours - his lips to yours - by his neck with one hand, taking the condom out of his grip with the other and telling him that you can put it on him yourself. The other, larger part of you wants Mark everywhere, engraved into your skin and lingering on your body.

The other, larger part of you wants - needs - to say yes.

Majority rules. 

But I’m into it, I’m into it I’m getting way too deep I’m fucking into it I’m into it, yeah I’m into it I wouldn’t change it for the world I’m fucking into it

12 hours until Graduation

You find your head against Mark’s shoulder as the two of you recline on the patio’s couch, watching the two of your families interact your joint graduation party. There’ll be a bigger celebration after tomorrow’s ceremony with a bigger crowd, so you cherish the small gathering in your backyard for tonight. Graduation is tomorrow - it almost feels too damn good to be true. The stars are all out, fairy lights have been strung overhead to add to the festivities, there’s laughter rising up from every direction, Mark’s arm is welcome around your shoulders, and you find yourself thinking that you could get used to this. 

“You know, I’m glad that we’re going to college together.”

Mark’s voice brings you out of your thoughts, causing you to look up at him - albeit slightly sideways. You nod, unsure of what to say in response. You’re in agreement with him, of course - even though you’ve both had your ups and downs, a life without as much Mark in it as now is one that you don’t want to imagine. 

He’s been such a constant presence for so long that you’re almost incapable of remembering a time without him. The thought scares you as much as it fills you with love. 

Wow.

You really are starting another chapter in your life. In your lives.

A fresh start - Mark’s still going through withdrawal, and you’re well aware, and just because your high school education is over doesn’t mean that life is automatically easier, now. Still - the next three months and four years after that are something to look forward to, not fear.

You aren’t sure how to voice all of this just yet, opting instead to repeat your awe at high school having ended. 

“High school’s really all over, now. We never have to step back in that building again.”

Mark chuckles at your revelation, running his fingers through your hair absentmindedly.

“What about reunions?”

You roll your eyes at this, resting a hand on his chest momentarily before remembering that your parents aren’t aware of your relationship. Wriggling out of Mark’s grasp before inclining your head towards all four parents, you remain within a comfortable distance to him. He radiates warmth.  

“I’ll only go to them if you and our other friends do. Maybe.”

Mark grins. “Maybe I’ll drag you to them.”

“You wouldn’t.”

He smiles. “I wouldn’t. You’re all I need, anyways.”

“Hyuck? Renjun? Yeri? Jeno?”

“...You’re the one I need the most.”

“Glad to know that you’re an honest man, Mark Lee.” Your teasing tone makes your boyfriend laugh, and you’re hyperaware of how you could get used to this - smiley, lighthearted Mark. 

“Your roommate’s going to have fun with you.” He responds, nudging your shoulder with his. 

“Hey! I’m not the only one who’s a handful. Lucas? That’s your soon-to-be roommate’s name, right? Lucas has his work cut out for him. For his sake I hope you spend time outside of your dorm room.”

Mark grins as he presses his lips to your temple, simultaneously making sure that everyone else’s attention is elsewhere. He moves away as quickly as he’d kissed you, much to your mental chagrin. 

“What? You worried that I’ll leave you for him?” 

It’s your turn to nudge your boyfriend. Before you can respond, Mark’s mother’s voice cuts through the air. 

“Mark? (Name)? It’s time for the cake!” 

Mark gets up first, reaching his hand out to pull you up. 

“We’re coming!” You call, before turning to Mark with a half-grin on your face. “This isn’t over yet.”

Mark squeezes your hand before letting go of it.

“Can’t be over if you never started it.”

“Mark Lee!”

Girl I’m into it, I’m into it Say she wanna fuck me later Girl I’m into it I am into it, I am into it

conGRADs, Mark and (Name)!

The sign is both massive and incredibly cheesy, but the amount of happiness it gives you is immeasurable. It hangs over Mark’s front porch, visible from the other end of the street, and as you and Mark pass by them, any neighbors that are out make sure to congratulate you. 

You aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry. 

The two of you’d escaped the clutches of your overexcited parents a little bit over an hour prior, around 11, under the guise of taking a walk around the neighborhood to talk about your upcoming collegiate futures. That was how you’d ended the night, of course, but before that you’d both beelined to your house, wanting to sit and talk in your bedroom for the time being.  

Discussion of your coming lives had sputtered out after a while - after all, it’s all you’d both been talking about for years, now - and you’d wound up situated in Mark’s lap, laughing against his lips.

“We should have graduation night sex.”

His tone is matter-of-fact, so much so that you roll your eyes at his bluntness. “We’re going to have to get back eventually.”

“We have time!”

His laugh against your collarbone is enough to tell you that nothing’ll happen tonight, that time together will just be time together. Still, you can’t help but respond.

“Yeah, time enough at college. We’ll be out of the house in 3 months, baby.”

Mark wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you impossibly closer, pressing a chaste kiss to the junction of your jaw and neck. It tickles. 

“We won’t have to sneak around and shit, either.” You continue, lightly running your hand through his hair. 

“We didn’t sneak around much this year, anyways. Our parents are just oblivious as fuck.”

“True-” You feel your phone vibrate, causing you to squirm around to reach it for a moment before Mark pulls it from your back pocket and hands it to you, mirth in his eyes. You scrunch up your nose at him before answering - its your mom.

“Where are you?” She sounds slightly worried, so you’re quick to mention that you’re with Mark and near your house, both safe and sound.  

“Come back quickly - Mark’s cousins are planning on sleeping soon because they start their four hour drive back at 6 in the morning, and we don’t want them to miss their chance to say good night to him.” 

You reply with a quick “I’ll tell him - love you.” before she hangs up. Sliding off of Mark’s lap, you help him up.

“Did you hear what she said, or?”

“Yeah. Your call volume’s always been too loud.” 

“I, for one, like to think that it’s just loud enough, thanks.”

Mark grins, choosing to loop an arm around your waist instead of replying.

The moment the two of you step inside, careful not to stand too close to each other, you’re bombarded by exclaims from family and friends and family friends alike. It’s getting late, and people are starting to gather up their belongings. You yourself are staying the night, however - otherwise, Mrs. Lee would riot.

You don’t mind. 

You close the front door behind you, being pulled into the group of people the moment that you do. 

As Mark is dragged into the ending remarks of a conversation with his aunts about something that you can’t quite hear, your mother’s friend’s young daughter tugs you down to her level to congratulate you, shyly placing a pipe-cleaner flower - clearly made by her - behind your ear. 

You kiss her cheek before she runs away out of shyness, far quicker than you expect her to be able to. Laughing, you stand up, only to be pulled into a discussion about your plans for college with your parents and one of your uncles. 

You briefly make eye contact with Mark - who’s also been given a pipe-cleaner flower - once, winking at him discreetly before turning back to nod along to your uncle’s rant over how you shouldn’t push your passions under the rug for your profession. You don’t see your boyfriend make his way through the throng of people gathered in his foyer - most have started filtering out, leaving by foot or by car - until you feel his hand against the small of your back for a quick moment. 

He shakes your father’s hand and hugs your mother before introducing himself to your uncle, who knows of him but doesn’t know him. Time passes quicker with Mark by your side, and, before you know it, it’s 2 am and the only people left in Mark’s how are both of your direct families and your uncle, who’s staying at your house for the night. 

“You have everything? Toothbrush? Pajamas?”

You sigh, looking pointedly at your father. 

“I’m a college student!”

“Doesn’t mean that you’re responsible.” 

You and your dad grin together before you shake your head. Both of your parents and your uncle bid you and the Lees goodnight before Mark’s parents follow them outside, probably to continue talking for a little bit more. 

Mark closes the door behind them, turning to you immediately after only to find that you’re already halfway upstairs. He shakes his head affectionately before following you up to his room. 

“(Name), you did remember a toothbrush, right?”

“Yeah, but I forgot clothes.”

“I guess you’ll just have to sleep naked - ow!” Mark rubs the skin on his arm where you’d lightly smacked him. It doesn’t erase the playful grin from his face. “Fuck you, fine. You can borrow some pajamas, or something.” 

You laugh as you flop down onto his bed before humming inquisitively to yourself for a moment over a question you’ve been mulling over in your head for a short while. You know that summer’s just started, but you can’t help but wonder how it’ll go.

“What’s your plan for this summer? Other than getting ready for our courses and stuff.”

Mark furrows his brows at this while he strips, changing into shorts and a shirt before throwing you one of his longest shirts. You change as well, folding your clothes neatly and placing them on his desk chair to take home tomorrow. 

“I haven’t thought about it, honestly. Why?” Mark turns off the hallway lights and opens his door halfway - a rule his parents have for his bedroom door whenever you sleep over. It’s fair, you suppose, even if they don’t know that you’re together. Maybe it’s especially because they don’t know that you’re together. 

Mark turns off the light after laying his sleeping bag down on the floor, giving you the bed as always. 

Tomorrow, you’ll wake up on the floor next to him, also as always.   

“I was thinking...” 

“Yeah?”

You turn on your side to face your boyfriend in the dark.

“I was thinking that we could take a road trip.” 

A long silence follows your statement, and you begin thinking that you’ve made a mistake asking until, in the dark, you can see the faint outline of Mark’s smile.

“I’m free all summer, babe. Just tell me where and when.”

“For real?” 

The excitement in your voice is almost tangible, and you’re half embarrassed at how childish you must sound. Mark, to his merit, just nods while smiling.

He looks up at you, and, even in the dark, you can see the softness in his eyes.

“Yeah,” He pauses, grinning at you. 

“I’m into it.”

fin... for now?

im shit at endings but also this has been like...a month coming...i’m gonna come back and rewrite this someday but yeet enjoy.... i should’ve reread before posting but w/e