#reality is that the bad shit hit hard and i don't really feel like moving rn

[altruistic-meme]

i feel like shit but my sister is supposed to come over today to hang out. i think. i need to text her and cancel. but also i don't wanna just cancel on her like that. but also. i feel like shit. ugh.

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

I'm in severe pain cause of endometriosis right now, can we get more loganxwadexdisabled!reader :3

"Out fucking cold," Wade declared.

Logan grunted, nodding wordlessly. He knew that. He could hear the change in your breathing once the medication kicked in. And again when sleep finally won out.

"You okay, Peanut?"

"Sure. Just glad she's not fucking screaming anymore."

"Pretty sure the screaming was mostly frustration," Wade hummed. "I had days like that where I just wanted to scream because it fucking hurt and there was nothing I could do about it."

In the dark of the bedroom Logan readjusted to be able to see both of you. Wade had a hand in your hair still, watching you with an expression that was hard to read. "And she can't even remember not hurting like that- I don't think."

Logan put his hand on top of Wade's and Wade smiled wryly, "If she could fight we'd be fucked."

"Probably," Logan snorted.

"Looks like you get to be all big and bad and tell her boss she's staying home tomorrow-"

"Good luck with that."

Wade grinned, "I had to double her fucking dose. Tomorrow morning she won't even know what day of the week it is. We could tell her it's Saturday and she'd probably buy it as long as I make pancakes and no on turns on the news."

Logan huffed a laugh and laid his hand on your back when you stirred in your sleep, making a soft little whimper that made him wince. "She's gonna be pissed."

"But she'll feel better," Wade said confidently. "Naps, kisses, and having hunky guys at her beck and call? If that doesn't fix some shit I don't know what will."

"Not a goddamn nurse-"

"Me either, Logi-bear," Wade reminded, "But-" He looked down at your sleeping form meaningfully. "Who else is gonna do it?"

A soft growl was the only answer but, he knew that it was true. You needed rest. Bad pain days were exhausting. They'd both seen you come home looking dazed and drained- like it took all your mental energy just to deal with it. But it had never been LIKE THIS. You'd learned to manage.

But this scared him. Scared them both.

_______________

In the morning, when you did wake up, Logan peered around the bathroom door and watched you carefully.

You sat up slowly and had to get your bearings. Eyes are half-open and still red. And his chest hurt. He wondered how many mornings you'd had to do this alone.

"How do you feel?" he asked, wiping shaving cream off his face and coming over.

"Like I got hit by a truck," you rasp.

"How's the pain?"

"It's there," you tell him, starting to get out of bed. You have to move. Your head feels like it's full of cotton. Your mouth feels like you were licking bowling alley carpet. And You're starving. "But I gotta get ready and-"

"We called you in," Logan said.

"But I gotta work and I need to get my stuff done today so I can-"

"Your boss was more than willing to give you a day off," Logan said, waiting to catch you if you wavered as you tested your feet on the floor. "You over did it, yesterday, huh?"

"I was fucking mad. It's just so fucking stupid. Every fucking year-"

"Hey," he stopped you and tilted your chin up. Bending down to kiss you gently. "don't hurt yourself just to prove something."

"Pot-"

"It's different," he grumbled.

"It's really not. I just don't heal." You take a deep breath and haul yourself to your feet with a groan. He watched you go, making your way to the shower and frowned. But he let you go, keeping an ear out in case you needed help as he went out to find Wade.

"Mornin' Peanut," he said, "How's our patient?"

"Getting a shower," he said frowning as he poured a cup of coffee.

"Someone's been dick slapped with some reality this morning," Wade said kissing his head, " 'S'matter, Logi-bear? Did our girlfriend just remind you-"

"Shut up," Logan growled. It was different. No one expected you to do all that shit. Sure you COULD. You weren't helpless. Or as fragile as he thought when he first met you. But- it was different.

"That's a yes," Wade hummed, kissing his head.

He growled and Wade huffed a laugh; both of them paused for a moment when there was a clatter from the bathroom and Logan half shrugged, "Shampoo bottle."

Wade nodded and carried on, putting food on the table; fussing with details. Making sure that there were pancakes with hearts on them for you and grumpy faces for Logan.

You come out in fresh pajamas and Wade bounds over, tilting your chin up and kissing your face, "She lives!" he declared. "And she looks like heaven."

"I feel like death warmed over."

"Well you'll feel better with pancakes," he said, "and hot chocolate."

"I'm gonna go into a sugar coma," you tell him, pulling him down to kiss him.

"You can't be in a coma," Wade said, "we're educating Logan on pop culture today. And you have a full day of pampering ahead of you-"

"Wade I'll be okay I just need-'

"Ah-ah-ah," he said, guiding you to the table. "This is for us," he explained. "We're traumatized. And now you just gotta let us get it out of our system. And I prefer to do it by making sure you're spoiled. Logan would probably fight your spine if he could figure out a way to do it."

[seospicybin]

TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

PART II

Changbin x reader. (s)

Too Hot To Handle masterlist

Synopsis: You and Changbin become contestants in a reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. (13,1k words)

Author's note: I planned on posting it yesterday but i got so busy but here it is, hope you enjoy! :)

There are three things Changbin trying to digest at once.

One is that you kissed someone else last night. Two, Lana is not pleased so she doubles the fine as of this moment and that leads to number three, a total of $24,000 has been deducted from the prize fund.

You're following him as he walks to the firepit to have a talk with you, giving you a chance to explain yourself. You take a seat next to him with your legs pulled up and a cushion on your lap.

Changbin can't decide where to start, he's still having a hard time processing everything.

"What happened?"

You're fiddling with the tassel on the cushion, "I was trying to set Rita up with Nico and that just happened," you answer him.

"Do you feel different about me?"

You snort in reaction, probably thinking that he is joking but with the absence of a smiles on his face, you realize that he is being serious.

"No," you immediately deny.

"I know you also like girls," Changbin supports his assumption with a fact.

You stifle a chuckle, "Yeah and I like Rita, but not that way."

Stretching your leg, you put your foot over his leg and tip your head to the side, "You know I only like you," you say with a smile on your face.

Changbin would usually melt at the sight of your smile but not this time. This is not how he wanted to hear you say how you feel about him.

"How do I know for sure when you kissed someone else?"

You subtly roll your eyes to the side then put away the cushion, "The kiss meant nothing. We were just playing," you explained with an exasperated sigh.

This may sound like he's exaggerating things but Changbin doesn't like how you blatantly broke the rules and did it behind him.

"Put yourself in my position," he tells you.

"How would you feel if I kissed someone else and not telling you about it?"

Now that he has put things into perspective, he hopes you understand why he acts this way. It's not only about the kiss, he feels like you have dismissed him as your partner.

"I get what you're saying," you add a nod at the end of the sentence.

Seeing that you're slowly putting a space in between and the glints in your eyes fade with each passing second, he feels like he's the bad man here.

"I'm sorry," you mutter with a sad smile on your face.

The kiss, he can let it slide but the betrayal, he gets a little upset when you could have said something about it last night and he wouldn't have been this upset over a playful kiss.

-

CHANGBIN: I appreciate that she told me everything and apologized but I feel like I have to play it safe now.

-

It's been days and you're still on Changbin's naughty step.

You didn't think he would be this mad over a silly kiss, oh well, he didn't think the kiss you did with Rita was silly at all. You don't want to let this go on for too long but also, you don't know how to confront him.

Frankly, if something like this happened, you would have moved on to the next one. Considering that you're locked in and can't go anywhere, you're left with no option but to resolve it like two mature grown-ups.

The problem is you're really bad at confrontation and the way Changbin cautiously acts around you doesn't help.

"Was he mad?" Liam asks as he sits next to you on the side of the pool.

Your foot is playing with the pool water, "Yeah."

"You like him, right?" He asks, tilting his head to the back to let the sun hit his oiled body.

"I do like him," you shortly answer like it isn't obvious enough.

"What you did... I don't think that helps to convince him that," Liam says.

You listen to him only to hear that he says the same thing with Changbin and maybe this is your punishment, constantly reminded that you're the one at fault here.

"Yeah, no shit," you sigh.

Liam chuckles, "You know that, right?"

You lean back with your hands propped behind you, "I know..." you groan.

It's like he hears you're talking about him, Changbin walks out of the bedroom and heads down to the beach.

"Oh, my God! There he is!" You mutter through your gritted teeth at Liam.

"I know," he whispers, clocking him for you.

Not sure if he sees you or not, but your heart is sinking at the sight of him.

Liam starts talking after Changbin is out of sight, "Talk with him, tell him how you feel," he suggests.

It's easier to be said than done and also...

"I'm scared," you honestly share with a nervous laugh.

Liam chuckles again and wipes his sweaty forehead.

"Don't you see how big he is?" You jokingly say.

"Just be honest, be yourself," Liam wisely says and brushes his dark curls to the back.

"Yeah."

Well, you don't want this to continue so it's time to admit that you fucked up and have a talk with him. You don't know how but you'll try.

-

YOU: I kind of realized that I can't do that to people and like, expect them to stick around.

-

You're a man on a mission tonight.

Before that, you have to arm yourself well. You borrowed a dress from Sabine and have Rita style your hair, you want to look good, ravishing even.

You're sleeping still with the man but you need a glass of wine to muster up the courage to talk to him.

Changbin is looking fine in a light blue shirt that fits him so well, showcasing his broad shoulders and muscular arms. You get the urge to rip it off of him but you have to hold that thought for now.

Coming up behind him, you link your arm around his and sweetly smile at him, "Can I talk to you?"

He looks over his shoulder at you and slightly nods, "Okay."

Since everyone is out of the house, you pull him to the bedroom to get some privacy, sitting at the end of your shared bed.

You don't talk right away, you give yourself a moment to compose yourself and to also, admire him as he sits close to you.

"I like this on you," you compliment with your hand tugging at the collar of his shirt.

He smiles hearing your words and places his hand on your knee.

"How about me? Do you like what I'm wearing?" You ask, tipping your head to the side and batting your eyelashes at him.

He pinches at the hem of your dress and feels how thin the fabric is, "I like it."

You put your hand on his and lace it together with him, now that you're both relaxed, you can finally talk about it.

"After what happened..." you intently observe his face for any changes of expression to see if it's still a sensitive issue to him.

But you decide to wait until he responds to it.

He turns his head at you, "Yeah?"

You lick your lips before continuing to talk, "Do you feel like you trust me less because of it?"

Changbin inhales air and even with his head facing you, his eyes are nowhere looking at you. He scratches the back of his head and props his hand against the mattress.

"I don't want to say anything. Truthfully, I still don't know what to do about it," he answers.

It seems like he's still processing it and not yet getting to the place where he can just let it go.

You softly shake his hand in yours, "Hey, I'm sorry."

You apologize even though you have said it enough to him but you feel like you need to do it again to prove to him that you want to fix things between you and him.

And if that's not enough, you can prove it in another way.

"You know I wouldn't do it again," you remark with utmost sincerity.

As soon as those words are out of your mouth, he stares at you and perhaps, trying to see how much you mean those words.

"I know," He says, then holds your hand back and gently squeezes at it. He doesn't add anything else to it but sure, it's better than nothing.

"Can I have a hug?" You ask, ignoring the fact of how pathetic you might have sounded.

A smile rises on his face and he opens his arms to welcome you which you waste no time to dive right in. You eagerly throw yourself at him, sending both of you collapsing onto the bed.

Oh, how you missed being in his warm embrace! You never feel this comfortable and safe with anyone but him.

"We barely cuddle lately," you grumble at him with a pout.

"No, I cuddled you," he denies.

"Not enough," you complained and put your arm around his neck.

Changbin turns his head to the side and looks at you, putting away the hair covering your face as you snuggle close to him. Catching him off guard, you sneak a kiss on his cheek.

With his lips only inches away from yours, the temptation to kiss him is getting to you. To tease him and also check if he's up for a kiss, you make smooching sounds at him with your lips puckering at him.

Changbin holds you by the jaw, but instead of kissing you on the lips, he kisses you on the cheek. At that moment, you realize that he's not fully getting over it yet.

-

YOU: It seems like it's going to take a lot more time and I have to be more patient... [groans]

-

If there's one thing you should know about Changbin is that he has trust issues and that's why he doesn't want to rush into this.

However, he has to admit that he's been distancing himself from you and not realizing that he tortured himself doing it.

He's still sharing the bed with you but it feels much better when you're cuddling him like this.

The others are also still stretching and gathering their senses on their beds after Lana comes for her morning greeting.

You shift on the bed and lay on your side facing him, "Morning, big man," you croak with your eyes half-shut.

Changbin often wondered how you look this good even when you've just woken up. He tenderly caresses your cheek and his thumb wanders by itself, swiping across your lips.

He may as well touch it, feeling it but keeping it in his mind that he can't do more than that.

All of sudden, you open your mouth and take his thumb into your mouth, tugging it between your teeth.

He knows a way to make you stop and that is by tickling you back. He bites at your neck until you let go of his thumb.

"What are you going to do today?" You ask, slinging your hand around his chest.

"Working out," he answers.

Dragging your hand down his chest, you slip your hand under his t-shirt and pinch at the flesh on his abdomen.

"If you keep working out, you'll get bigger," you mumble.

"And that's a problem to you?"

"If you get too big, I won't be able to hug you anymore," you pout.

He pulls you close and holds the side of your face, "Then I'll be the one hugging you," he simply resolves.

You get quiet but overlap his body with yours, "Play with me today."

This is the side that he rarely encounters in you that makes him feel needed, that he is not just some guy you kiss and have fun with.

In fact, Changbin secretly wishes that you're clingy to him, not the other way around.

He puts his arm around you, resting it on the arch of your back as he asks, "What are we going to play?"

You pursed your lips as you thought of an answer, "Uhm... we can get naked and stare at each other's body," you giggle at the end of your words.

You sure know how to keep him amused but that sounds like a dangerous game to play and it's only 8 in the morning. You seem to know that he would skip on it as you kiss him on the cheek before getting up from the bed.

The weather is nice today too and Changbin is having a productive day, as in he manages to finish his workout routine as planned.

It was a good day, well, until Lana assembled everyone in the cabana.

Changbin makes space on the seat next to him the moment he sees you coming and you plop down the sofa with your feet up.

"What's going on, guys?" Sabine asks everyone.

"You tell us," Liam teasingly says to her.

The cone lights up after everyone gathered around her and Changbin's eyebrow perks up at the sound of the way too familiar melodic chime.

"Here we go..." Shane mutters with a nervous sigh.

Even though he didn't do any rule breaks, Changbin still gets nervous whenever Lana starts talking because there's a big chance that she'll come with a piece of bad news.

"To further aid your personal growth, you must learn to resist your urges," Lana starts with a cryptic message.

Changbin doesn't like the sound of it and it instantly puts him on high alert. He notices that everyone else seems to be holding their breath as well.

"So, I am putting some of you to the test."

He is yet can't tell if that's good or bad, either way, hearing the word test, he knows that it's not going to be easy.

"I have arranged two dates..."

"Ooh... dates," Sabine coos in excitement and sparkling eyes.

"Both with new arrivals."

He hears you snicker next to him and he feels a little uneasy with it. When he looks around though, everyone is looking excited for it. New arrivals mean these people are not yet conditioned with retreat rules so yeah, Changbin can smell troubles.

"The first new arrival is... Jax," Lana announces.

The name attracts interest from everyone but the males specifically. While the girls... he sees that Sabine looks a little worried.

"I have allowed the new arrivals to select who they want to ask out on their dates," Lana further informs.

No, wait, Sabine is right to be worried.

Changbin catches you glancing at him before looking away and he wonders if you're worried too.

"Jax has chosen..."

Everyone may not be losing money today but that doesn't keep the tension from keep on building in the cabana.

"Oliver."

Sabine gasps at the mention of his name and nods, she has no power to stop him since Lana is the one running the retreat.

"You seem so happy, Ollie," Liam teases him.

Oliver remains coy about it, then a grin blooms on his face, "It is what it is... I guess," he says with a nonchalant shrug.

Changbin feels bad for Sabine because Oliver seems like the type who would jump ship when the opportunity presents itself.

However, Lana is not done talking yet.

"And date number two will be with... Gareth."

The announcement is being welcomed well by the girls and he turns his head to see you remaining calm about it.

"Well, well, well..." Sabine sighs, probably hoping that he'll pick her to get back at Oliver.

"He's also been allowed to choose his partner for this afternoon date."

You look at him and smile, "Are you nervous?"

Changbin subtly shrugs in answer but deep down, he's nervous that you'd get chosen.

"Gareth has chosen..."

-

CHANGBIN: We have been kind of, like, going up and down so I am worried... I'm worried that her head will turn a little bit.

-

Can't tell if your manifestation works or Lana reads your intention but you're surprised when you hear your name being called. So this new guy, Gareth, has chosen you to go on a date with him?

You scoff and look at Changbin to see his reaction, he's rather a bit aghast.

"I would be worried," you tell him.

Realizing that sounded like he would mistaken it for something else, you correct yourself.

"I mean, I would be worried if I were you."

This is what you need. This is a good opportunity for you to show him that you're into him and you're going to prove him that.

"You may leave now to get ready for your dates," Lana orders you and Oliver to leave the cabana.

You hope you get more than just his silence but Changbin remains calm about this whole thing. You kiss his cheek before getting up from the sofa.

You wait for Oliver to walk over to you so the two of you can leave together.

As Oliver gets to your side, you like your arm with his and say, "We got it, Ollie!"

"Yeah," Oliver half-heartedly says.

You turn to everyone to say bye and just before you turn to leave, Rita teasingly shouts, "Don't cost us more money, Miss Kissy!"

Getting dressed for the date inexplicably excites you and Oliver keeps on laughing hearing you squealing while you're doing your make-up.

"Are you excited?" He asks while he's fixing his hair in front of the mirror.

"Yeah," you answer without looking at him.

Oliver spins on his feet to look at you, "This is weird for me because I've never been with a girl long—"

Lana chimes in, interrupting Oliver's talk, and both of your heads turn in the direction of the cone sitting in the corner of the dressing room.

"What's up, Lana? Did Gareth cancel?" You jokingly ask.

"I hope you're both looking forward to your dates his afternoon," Lana says.

Oliver sits on the chair across from yours to hear what Lana has to say next.

"To further assess how you deal with temptation, I have not told the new arrivals that they are guests at Too Hot To Handle."

You gasp in surprise, "Lana, you naughty!"

"You must decide at what point you tell them," Lana finishes.

You and Oliver exchange a horrified look on your faces, realizing that this is not just a date, this is a test, for real.

"Oh, fuck..." Oliver quietly mutters.

That changes everything. That means that they will not hold back from breaking the rules because they don't know the rules even exist in the first place.

You lean back on your chair and sigh, "I think the best strategy is to tell them right away," you comment.

Oliver looks at you and smirks, "But then they won't try to kiss us," he innocently says.

There's no surprise that Oliver is not afraid to play with fire and as someone familiar with the game, you can relate to that.

"Yeah, that's not fun," you agree while nervously chuckling.

Oliver walks over to the mirror once again to check on his hair again. He brushes his dirty blond hair to the back and lets a few strands fall over his face.

"What I got myself into?" Oliver sighs.

When it's time to leave, Oliver gives you a quick hug before parting ways to go to your respective dates.

"Good luck out there," he says to you.

"Be good!" You reply with a way to him but at the same time, as a reminder to yourself.

-

YOU: I hope this Gareth guy is ugly... [clasps hands together] Please be ugly! [A moment later] I know he won't be ugly [sighs]

-

Lucky that you're wearing sandals because the walk to get to where date is quite far.

Despite feeling pressured to break the news to the new guest, you're also feeling good. The plan is to enjoy it and have fun, you want to flirt because you feel like making Changbin sweat a little.

There he is, Gareth, sitting on the picnic mat and basking in the pale afternoon sun.

Hearing you coming his way, he turns his head and cracks a smile when your eyes meet. He scrambles to get up and hug you.

"Hi, hello," he says to you with a strong British accent.

He then offers his hand to help you sit on the space next to him on the picnic mat.

It's only been a week in the retreat yet you're already forgetting how to be on a date. He looks at you and you look at him, checking each other out in silence.

Gareth is a whole lot of attractive. He's tall, probably six feet two, and with his shirt left open, you can see the sculpted abs. Other than that, he has beautiful eyes.

Lana is doing an impressive job because she's testing you with such an attractive man. Not sure about Gareth, he's been quiet from the moment you met and you start to wonder if he has second thoughts about choosing you.

After a moment, he hands you a glass and fills it with bubbly wine.

"You're more beautiful in person," he suddenly says.

You scoff and without you realizing it, it turns into a shy smile, "Really?"

He licks his lips after sipping his drink, "Yeah, you're beautiful."

"Thank you, Gareth," you thank him and sip your drink.

You take a moment to look at him, finding something on him you can compliment even though every part of his body is praiseworthy.

The sunlight hits him right on the eyes yet it only makes them beautiful, mesmerizing.

"You have beautiful eyes," you return the compliment with a smile.

"Thank you!"

"Is it uh... Brown?" You wildly guess.

"Why don't you see for yourself?" He dares you with a sly grin painted on his face.

Without hesitating, you lean in close to see him up close until you can see yourself in his eyes. Gareth stays still so you can study his eye color.

"It's uh..." You find it hard to focus when he's intensely staring back into your eyes, "Green?"

Gareth doesn't say anything but smiles, "Are you even looking at my eyes?"

You back away and burst into laughter in reaction, flustered for getting caught looking at anywhere other than his eyes.

"Should we have a toast?" He suggests with his glass already raised.

You do the same, raising your glass in the air, "To what?"

"To the nicest date ever," he answers with a seductive smile.

With Gareth, you feel like you're getting the attention you wanted to get from Changbin and you start to worry that your head is about to turn.

You clink your glass with him and repeat his words, "The nicest date ever."

-

YOU: Gareth is tall, he's nice, he's a handsome man. What's not to like about him?

-

It's a fact that you have never been on a date this nice before with the beautiful sea view and the sun slowly setting, dipping lower and lower into the horizon.

The date is going to end soon and you feel bad the longer you keep the news from him, it's time.

To prepare both of you, you refill your glasses with more wine and initiate one last toast.

"Hey, Gareth," you call him.

He swallows his drink before answering your call, "Yes?"

You bite into a strawberry and continue talking, "Do you consider yourself a player?"

Gareth laughs, probably at how straightforward your question is and he can't decide how he's going to answer it.

"Well, uh..." he parts open his shirt to get some air or to show off his body, either way, you're liking it.

"Not really," he doubtfully answers with a suppressed grin.

You sip your drink before asking him the next question, "Are you a sexual person?"

Gareth thinks you're being flirty asking him this question and you feel bad playing with him just to break him down at the end.

He nods and confidently says, "Yeah, I think I am."

You bite your lips, having fun with the knowledge you have that he's not yet known. You tip your head to the side, sending all of your hair falling onto one side of your shoulder.

"Do you think you could go a week without sex?"

His eyebrow raises in surprise, "A week?"

"Yeah."

"It's possible but I'd struggle, hard," he answers with a smile that slightly turns into a nervous one.

You look at him and look into his green eyes, for a second, not wanting to tell him about Lana and her rules.

"Uhm... well, I hate to tell you this," you begin and take another sip of wine.

His eyes are wavering as he looks at you, "What?"

"But we can't have sex in there," you make a head gesture towards the villa.

"Sorry? What?" He asks with eyes widening in utter shock.

And Gareth hasn't heard the worst part yet, "We can't even masturbate," you add.

He closes his eyes for a moment to take everything in and shakes his head, "What?"

"This is Too Hot To Handle," you finally break the news to him with an apologetic smile.

It feels not right to enjoy seeing him suffer but you can't help it, you must have looked like it when Lana popped out of the box that day.

His hand flies to his face, his fingers are pinching the bridge of his nose as he tries to make sense of it all.

"They didn't—" he keeps opening his mouth to speak and abruptly stops in the middle.

"I know," you say, letting him know that you went through the same thing and know exactly how he feels right now.

Gareth drains his wine and puts away his glass, his hair is tousled from the wind constantly blowing at it.

"I was away traveling for months so I–I don't know..." he stammers as he explains himself.

You do feel bad for him but at least, he's not the only one going through it, you've been at it for a week now.

He then looks at you with his index finger pointed at you then at him, "So... we can't...?" His eyes are saying the words that you know what it stands for.

You shake your head, "No," you meekly say.

"Don't get me wrong, it's because I'm seeing someone in there," you add, not letting him get the wrong idea.

Gareth brushes his dark blond hair to the back, making it messier than before, groaning at the newly acquired information.

"I appreciate it that you're telling me that," he says as he refills his glass with more wine.

-

YOU: The date is nice, Gareth is nice but honestly, I was thinking of Changbin the whole time I was there.

-

Back in the villa, Changbin is scared, shitless.

He keeps looking at where you're having the date with this new guy but he can't see much with how far you are plus the sky that is getting darker.

He's been holding his drink but not drinking it, he's too nervous to try to relax.

"They're not back yet?" Nico asks as he sits on the lounger.

Changbin shakes his head and keeps his eyes on the top of the stairs, the only access back from the beach.

"Do you think she kissed him?" He innocently asks.

"That would be wild if she did," Nico gives his opinion then quietly sips his drink.

Rita comes to sit behind Nico, putting her arms around him, and notices the apparent horror on Changbin's face.

"I didn't expect you'd be genuinely this worried," She says to him.

He doesn't know why but he feels offended by what she said, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Nico hurriedly holds Rita to stop her from talking, he knows Changbin is being extra sensitive at this moment so it's best to not poke around him.

Almost half an hour later, you are finally back with the new guy, and your arm is linked with him. He also notices the smile on your face as you introduce him to the girls.

Changbin is not pleased with what he sees but he knows he should keep his composure, he shouldn't conclude without hearing from you first.

"Gareth," the new guy introduces himself to him.

Changbin has this belief that it's not about looks but looking at Gareth, it's impossible to not feel the slightest bit intimidated.

The boys take him for a chat at the cabana and questions asked at the new guy, the basic questions until Shane brings up the date.

"So how was the date?"

Knowing that he's not good at faking his facial expression, Changbin gulps as much air as he can and hopes it's enough to calm him.

Gareth brightly smiles before answering, "I think we had a good time," he answers.

Liam glances at Changbin to check on him, "Yeah?"

"She was great and the setting was beautiful, probably the most romantic date I ever had," Gareth adds and he should consider himself lucky for not knowing that he's talking right next to the man you're seeing.

-

CHANGBIN: He can have those drinks, that romantic date but don't even think that he can take her from me [shakes head]

-

Changbin is chatting with Shane when all of a sudden, he stops listening to him. He looks past his shoulder to someone behind him.

"Looking for me, babe?" Shane jokingly asks you.

You laugh at him and put your hand on Changbin's shoulder, "Can you give us a minute, babe?" You joke back at him.

"Sure thing, babe," Shane kindly left so the two of you could talk.

Changbin sees that you're already changed into a new dress and your lips are painted with a fresh coat of lipstick. As you sit next to him on the sofa, you slightly turn your body to face him then place a hand on his knee.

"Hi," you say with a sweet smile.

He looks back at you and he knows that you're here to have a good time, to enjoy yourself and there's a possibility that you might jump ships too but Changbin needs an answer from you about whether he should continue this or not, or do you have anything to tell him.

Changbin needs to know right now.

"So... how was the date?" He begins with an easy question.

"It was good."

You're looking chipper and radiant, it's something that he hasn't seen in these past few days.

"What did you guys do?"

"We chatted, had a few glasses of champagne... we got to know each other," you nonchalantly answer.

None of your answers are pleasing him but he's willing to continue with the interrogation.

"What do you think of him?"

You inhale air before talking, "He is so nice."

That's another answer that displeases him.

"And he was a little flirty to me," you tell him with a low chuckle.

Changbin immediately scoffs at that, "Of course, he was," he says, looking away to see the fire swaying along to the gust of wind.

"To be honest, I got a little flirty on him too," you admit.

He looks down at his lap and sees that your fingers are playing with the lint on the ripped part of his jeans. He doesn't want to hear what are you going to say next, he even regrets asking you about it in the first place.

"Then I told him about you," you suddenly add.

He looks up and sees you smiling at him, "yeah?"

"Yeah," you shortly replied.

You tip your head to the side and gaze into his eyes, "I told him that I'm seeing someone here," you confess.

Scratch his earlier remarks about regrets, Changbin's only regret now is for doubting you. He can't believe it still but now he knows he can continue with you.

Truthfully, Changbin doesn't even know how he would start things over with someone new.

"Were you worried I was going to do something?" You meekly ask.

Changbin hates to be seen as this pathetic guy but he can't lie about this, not when it tells you how much he likes you.

"Every second of it... it was just awful," he emphasizes it with a horrified look on his face.

Changbin has come to realize how much he likes you and he feels that it's safe for him to let you know that. Also, how would you know if he didn't tell you verbally?

"This process brought out a lot of emotions in me that I didn't even know I had," he endearingly shares as he puts his hand on yours.

You nod and say, "Yeah, me too."

Changbin slips his fingers between yours and holds your hand, "Come here," he says.

You scoot closer and then crawl toward him to sit in the space between his legs. You waste no time to rest your head on his chest and let out a delightful sigh as he puts his arms around you.

"Missed me?"

"A lot," he answers without a beat.

He tightens his arms around you along with a soft kiss on your neck, he then drags his mouth close to your ear and whispers, "I'm happy."

-

CHANGBIN: I feel more confident in us and I can't wait to keep building connections with her [smiles]

-

The new girl, Jax, is one gorgeous girl and there's no denying it, the other boys were practically drooling when they first saw her.

Changbin would understand if you feel a bit intimidated by her presence, just like how Gareth did to him. But you're not one to worry, the one who should be worried is Sabine because Changbin catches Jax and Oliver stealing glances at each other just now.

"Did you shower?" You ask as you nuzzle your head into his neck.

"Mmh," Changbin hums his answer.

You plant your nose in his neck and inhale his scent, humming as you snuggle close to him. He does the same, planting his nose in your shoulder only to playfully bite at it.

Instead of scolding him, you're giggling in his neck.

"I like it," you suddenly say.

"What?"

You drag your hand down his chest and lift the fabric to peek inside the sleeveless white top he's wearing.

"I like it more if you take it off," you whisper to him.

After what happened, Changbin realizes how much he likes you and when he likes someone, he will do anything for that person.

"Just say you want me to take it off," he says with a laugh.

"Well, it's up to you..." you coyly say with a flirty smile on your face.

Changbin sits on the bed and pulls his top over his head, putting the piece of clothing on the bedside table afterward.

"Mmh... yeah," you slyly smile as he lays down next to you.

The lights are out and the low chatter in the room dies down not long after but in the dark, that's when things happen.

You keep clinging to his body with your hands freely roaming around his body, feeling his muscles and squeezing at it. Your lips are pressing on the sensitive skin on his neck once in a while.

Then all of sudden, you get up to straddle him, and against the darkness of the room, he sees you taking your top off.

"What are you doing?" He keeps his voice low to not wake everyone else who's sleeping in the room.

Your half-naked body is hovering above him with mere inches between your faces, "What? I'm making it fair for us," you say with a kiss on his jaw.

It doesn't take a genius to know what you're doing. You're kissing his neck and chest with your nipples lightly grazing his bare chest, making the goosebumps on his arm rise.

Changbin allows you for that but when your lips are getting close to his lips, he immediately stops you by looking away.

Yet you continue your trail of kisses down his jaw, then you whisper into his air, "How about a kiss?"

This is a test for him and it's a difficult one. A part of him is dying to give you whatever it is you want but the other part, and unfortunately, the most stubborn part of him demands him to keep to his principle.

A kiss costs $6,000 and Changbin could bear the consequence of losing that much money but the problem is it's not just his money, it's everyone's.

He endearingly brushes your hair to the back and holds your face, "We can't."

It seems like you have expected that answer, "I know," you softly sigh.

You roll to the side to lay back on your side of the bed, clutching at the duvet as you groan, "I'm so horny..."

You best believe that it's not easy for him to say no to you, not when his head is full of filthy things he wants to do to you.

As a way to console you, he presses a long kiss on your cheek and neck. You suddenly pull him by the shoulder, hard enough to send him toppled on top of you.

"Put your whole body on me," you mutter.

"I'm heavy," he tells you like it isn't obvious enough.

You wrap your legs around him, forcing him to put his whole weight on you. Changbin quickly props an elbow against the mattress to spare a little space.

With both of your bodies pressed against each other, he can feel you differently, in an inexplicably intimate way.

Against the darkness that lingers in the room, he still can see your eyes gleaming as you stare at him as he stares into your eyes.

He swipes your lips with his thumb and for a split second, tempted to kiss it.

"You can kiss it you know," your voice is so low that it almost sounds like a whisper.

Once again, his stubborn part wins and he kisses you on the forehead instead.

"Goodnight," he sweetly speaks into your ear.

Without warning, you pull him closer until he collapses on top of you and keeps him close with your arms locked around him.

"Are you okay?" He quickly checks on you.

You bury your head in the crook of his neck and mumble, "You can crush me to death for all I care."

That makes him laugh in amusement, Changbin plants another kiss on the top of your head and gently pats at it.

-

CHANGBIN: The sexual tension is... unbearable [groans] but I want to do this right.

-

It's only afternoon but Sabine is already looking done with the day.

You respect people and their boundaries so you would usually wait for people to come to you first and they would when they're ready to talk.

However, the silence that hangs in the air once she steps into the dressing room is suffocating. You decide to, at least, check on her, making sure she's okay.

"Sabine, babe," you call as you rummage through your make-up pouch.

"You're way too pretty to have frown lines," you tell her with a smile.

Sabine aggressively reclines on her chair then lets out a long sigh, sending her long hair dangling down the back and almost touching the floor.

"You okay?" You ask her as you continue doing your make-up.

"I don't know," she sighs again.

She picks up a hairbrush next but does nothing with it, she's holding it in her hand as she continues talking, "It's Oliver."

It must be about the date and you knew Oliver screwed up, you could tell from the moment he got chosen for the date. Also, it's not hard to read a guy like Oliver, he's a player and a few days in the retreat won't instantly change that. Not that it's impossible, but it takes time to get the game out of a player.

"What happened?" You ask even though you guessed the gist of it in your head.

Sabine looks straight ahead and starts talking, "He went on a date yesterday made me realize that my feelings for him are genuine," she explains.

You nod to show her that you're intently listening to her even though you're busy doing your eyebrows, "Yeah."

She then draws a long breath to continue talking and combing her hair with her fingers, "But I know his type, I know how good they are at lying so yeah, I don't fully trust him so I asked Jax about the date."

You didn't know why you thought she was that naive. Sabine knows the kind of guy she's with.

"And what she said?"

Sabine puts her feet up on her chair and hugs them close to her chest, "She said that he went in for a kiss."

It's predictable but it's surprising to hear your assumption is right.

You pause doing your make-up and gasp, "What?"

Sabine is drawing circles on her knee with her finger as she continues talking, "Oliver didn't kiss her but he said it's because he didn't want to lose money..."

She takes a shaky breath and puts all of her hair on one shoulder, "And not because of me, he didn't even mention me at all."

You put down everything you're holding and put all of your attention on her, "Oh, no... babe," you coo.

"I like him for real because..." she pauses to gulp air and holding in her tears

"Now I'm genuinely hurt," her voice breaks at the end of the sentence.

You get up from your chair to come and hug her, putting your arms around her to comfort her before getting back to your chair.

"I think you should confront him about it. Obviously, you don't want to waste time on him if he doesn't want the same thing," you suggest, hoping that it would help her know what to do next.

Sabine sniffles and puts her feet down, she pulls her chair close to the table, leaning close to the mirror to fix her make-up.

"I'll take to him once they're back from the workshop," she says, now picking up her brush to add blush to her cheeks.

You always take Sabine as this cool girl who likes to make boys cry but at this moment, she looks fragile and insecure, she's just like any other girl and so are you.

-

YOU: I just knew that Oliver would mess up but I didn't think he would really do that to Sabine.

-

Lana is aware that these past few days have been tense for everyone and with the arrival of two new guests, she throws a party in the villa tonight.

Dressing up feels useless now that Changbin has no intention of doing anything to you and that somehow affects your mood, you don't feel like partying tonight.

You choose to sit this one down with him and quietly sip your wine while watching everyone else dancing to the music blasting around the villa.

Eventually, Nico and Rita join you in the firepit and you couldn't be more grateful that your matchmaking is a huge success.

"Nico, I'm impressed you're not all over the new girl," you jokingly say.

Rita looks at him, trying to intimidate him while giggling close to his face, "You can be honest," she tells him.

Nico shakes his head in false terror, "Nah, I don't want to get in trouble," he says.

Rita smiles in approval as Nico puts his arm around her, pulling her closer to his side even though there's no space left between them.

"Changbin, you couldn't possibly still be mad about our kiss, right?" Rita jokingly asks.

You turn to look at Changbin, wanting to see how he reacts to that question. He's been giving you vague signs whether he is still holding a grudge about it or not.

"Mad? Who got mad?" Changbin jokes back with a grin.

Rita flashes you a questioning glance then she turns to look at him, "Then how about you guys kiss and then we'll kiss?"

"I'm in!" Nico excitedly welcomed that idea.

You turn your head at Changbin and put the ball in his court, leaning close to his face, puckering your lips to tease him.

"Are you scared?" Rita teases him.

"I'm not," Changbin replies with a half smirk.

You take his chin and turn his head to look at you, "Kiss me then," you dare him.

Since he's not doing anything, you keep leaning in closer and closer and Changbin is backing away to avoid you. You stop before you embarrass yourself

"See? He pulls away first," you tell Rita with a shrug.

-

YOU: I am already sexually frustrated here and now it seems like I'm going to be touch-deprived as well [sighs]

-

Lana is the worst party host.

She abruptly stops the party and calls everyone to the cabana, it's not a good sign when she has to get in the middle of the party.

Changbin prepares himself for whatever is about to come out of that cone's mouth and his heart drops when he hears that anxiety-inducing chime.

"Did anyone break the rules?" Liam asks around.

Sabine crosses her arms and leans back, "I don't know about anyone else but I'm celibate."

Sabine is looking so upset about something when she says it and Changbin notices that Oliver has been eerily quiet the whole night.

"I stressed the importance of being committed to my process and a few people are falling short on that goal," Lana begins

Changbin can tell right away that something bad is going to happen tonight and he's not ready. He fears that it's going to happen to him or worse, you.

"It's clear that I need to streamline the group and two of you must leave the retreat tonight," Lana announces.

Everyone is gasping in shock, the tension is rising and no one is safe at this point. It's like Changbin's fears manifested into reality and he's dreading it, he doesn't want to leave.

He sees that you're looking calm but he notices your hands are clasped together on your lap, you must be stressed inside, considering that you broke the rules multiple times.

"The first person to leave the retreat is..."

-

CHANGBIN: I don't like this at all.

-

No one wants to hear what Lana is going to say but there's no avoiding it, this is her retreat, her rules, she's the one in control here.

"Niamh."

Niamh seems to have sensed that it's her, she smiles the second she hears her name and tears start rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh!" A broken gasp escapes Rita's mouth as she turns to the side to hug her.

Changbin didn't get to know Niamh well but she's been a complete shut-in and doesn't seem like she wants to build a connection at all. He believes the reason why Lana chose her is because she has the lowest possibility of forming a meaningful relationship.

"It's okay," she says while wiping her tears-soaked cheeks but she can't hide her disappointment from everyone.

"The second person to leave the retreat is..."

There's a huge chance that it'll be from one of the boys so

Changbin holds his breath again, getting more nervous than before.

"Shane."

He happens to sit next to you and you instantly rest your head on his shoulder while Changbin pats him on his knee, feeling like he's losing a friend even though he's only known him for days.

"It is now time for both of you to leave the retreat," Lana orders.

You kiss Shane on the cheek before letting him get up from the sofa to say goodbye to everyone and so is Niamh. She joined him in front of everyone to say goodbye for one last time.

"I hope this reminds the rest of you to take this process more seriously."

And just like that, Lana leaves with dark clouds hanging over everyone's heads.

-

CHANGBIN: That is one tough pill to swallow.

-

That should be a wake-up call for anyone to try and do better in this retreat.

Changbin considers himself lucky for not getting sent home tonight and he's still staying, being given another chance to continue building connections with you.

However, Lana demands emotional connections, not physical ones.

There's no denying that he has a strong physical connection with you and that should be the least of his worries. As of this moment, Changbin wants to focus on growing his emotional connection with you.

"Gosh, it feels empty already..." Liam says from the bed across the room.

Everyone's eyes shift in the direction of where Shane and Niamh shared a bed which is now empty.

You turn on the bed to face him and place a hand on his chest, before placing it on his jaw with your thumb tenderly rubbing his cheek.

"Are you okay?" You softly ask.

This is one of the times when he needed you the most. He doesn't reply but rests his head on your chest, letting you softly scratch his head with your finger.

And in a time like this, Changbin is convinced that he has emotional connections with you. There's no other reason why he feels like he can seek comfort from you if not because he's comfortable enough to be vulnerable around you.

-

CHANGBIN: I don't want to play around anymore. I want to grow with her.

-

With the girls out for a workshop, Changbin takes the time to get a little sun by the swimming pool with Oliver occupying the lounger next to him.

Changbin seems to have missed something yesterday but he notices that something is going on between Oliver and Sabine.

Oliver spills everything right away and Changbin only realizes it now that Oliver is younger than him which explains his reckless action.

"So you went back from the date with Jax and you said something stupid implying that you're not serious with Sabine?" Changbin concludes out of Oliver's explanation.

Oliver sneers at that, probably realizing how much at fault he is, "Pretty much, yeah."

Changbin lets out a chuckle and takes a sip of water from his tumbler. He knows Oliver is old enough to know that this is his own doing but Changbin feels like he's seeking some bits of advice from him.

"You know you have this connection with Sabine and you're here to develop that connection," Changbin chooses his words carefully to avoid sounding like he's being so self-righteous.

"You just need to control your urges a little," he adds.

Oliver sighs at the last bit, aware that that's his main problem, not being able to control his physical urges.

"But Jax is so... hot like... how come I didn’t think of her sexually when she's that fit?" Oliver innocently says.

Changbin immediately slaps his thigh hard enough that it leaves a mark on his alabaster skin.

"Hey, emotionally! Not physical!" He reminds him.

Oliver laughs, feeling like he's a little kid being scolded by his parents. He recognizes this typical attribute because Changbin has been there once, playing the cool guy who acts like it doesn't bother him but deep down, he does care.

"I know you want to act cool like you don't care about her but you have the chance to make it better, it's not too late," he tells him.

Oliver gets quiet and looks straight ahead, letting a moment pass without a word. Then a minute later, he nods and says, "I'm going to talk to her later."

As a motivation, Changbin gives him a pat on the shoulder, "You can do it, man!"

On the other hand, Lana has been quiet the whole day but that only makes Changbin more suspicious.

When she finally calls everyone to the cabana, he knows he is right to be suspicious, especially at the sight of small boxes on the table.

"Is it Christmas?" Rita playfully comments.

"Have we been here that long?" Nico adds with a chuckle.

Changbin is skeptical that it's going to be a gift, maybe it is but there has to be a catch to it. He knows Lana well enough to know the motive of everything she does.

"Hello, everyone!" The cone chimes.

"Yes, Lana!" Riley shouts, being the loudest to answer to her.

"As you can see, I have a treat for you all," Lana announces, confirming everyone's guesses are true.

Everyone is cheering but Changbin is the only one struggling to accept the fact that Lana is being generous to the group.

"Ooh..." Liam coos in excitement, rubbing his hands together while looking at the box in front of him.

"The purpose of this gift will further enhance your relationships going forward. You may now open your gifts," Lana orders.

No one wastes their time to take their boxes and open them, finding a watch inside. You help him put it around his wrist and he helps you with yours after.

"When I observe two people forming genuine connections, they will be given a green light, like this..."

Lana demonstrates it by turning everyone's watches green at the same time.

"...where the rules do not apply for a limited amount of time."

"This looks good on you," you compliment him.

Changbin flexes his bicep to show it off, "I'll keep close to it with a tense bicep," he jokes.

His first thought is, of course, he wants to get a green light with you and that can be accomplished with emotional growth.

"We have reached the half of the retreat so please use your time wisely," Lana leaves with a gentle reminder that some of us should have accomplished something at this point.

With these watches, Changbin is highly motivated to build an emotional connection with you.

-

CHANGBIN: We don't need to lose money now because Lana will reward us if we do something right.

-

Uhm... you wouldn't say you're jealous to see Liam and Riley getting a date from Lana, but you know you just hate to admit it.

It would be nice to go on a date with Changbin because things feel way too alright and you crave a little spark here and there.

For someone who loves getting physical affection, it's exciting that you have the watch and the promise that Lana will reward anyone who shows genuine emotional connection with a green light.

You're not that optimistic that you'd get it but who knows?

The night is warm and you're holding a glass of wine, sitting next to an extremely attractive man.

Changbin is wearing a printed shirt with dark jeans, what you like the most is how his muscles bulge out of those short sleeves.

"You look good, babe," you compliment him with a smile.

"I'm not saying that to try to get a green light," you quickly add.

You know better that a compliment wouldn't get you a green light but because he simply earned it.

You put your legs over his lap and look at him, tilting your head to look him through your lashes.

"You're so sexy and cute and big and gentle..." you compliment him more.

Then you lean into his ear and whisper, "You're irresistible."

Getting no reaction from you, you pout and meekly ask, "Am I not appealing to you anymore?"

"No, baby. No," he strongly denies.

You feel pathetic saying that but at least, you finally get his attention now.

He reaches for your head, endearingly caressing your head, "you are beautiful," he sweetly compliments.

He then takes a good look at you with his hand gliding down your arm until he meets your hand, "Head to toe, I admire all of it," he compliments again.

You deeply look into his eyes and ask, "And you don't feel some type of way?"

Changbin inhales air, his fingers are intertwined with yours on your lap. He seems to know the reason why you asked him that.

"I know you want to break a rule," he says.

"I do," you shortly confirm, beating around the bush will only waste time.

Changbin once again gets quiet, you can't tell if he's mulling things over in his head or if he has no words to say to that.

"I don't think we should be punished for having a connection," you give your opinion.

"But that's what we're here for," he simply responds.

You swallow air to stay calm and keep your tone in check, "I know but I think we shouldn't be adamant about spending the money," you give him a solid de

Changbin nods and a moment later, he comes up with a response to your words.

"I think there's no reason for us to break rules now."

He places his hand on your knee and tenderly rubs the skin with his thumb, "We have these watches and we just need to do this right and Lana will reward us with a green light."

You get it that he's trying to be on Lana's good side but the way he completely shot you down... It almost feels like he forces this decision on both of you and you don't get a say on it.

"Yeah, right," you half-heartedly reply and then drain your glass of wine cause the night suddenly feels cold to you.

-

YOU: Ugh! I'm so frustrated. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

-

Everyone is cheering when Liam and Riley return from their date.

They look happy as they become the first to get the first green light. They're not the only ones looking happy, it looks like Sabine and Oliver have made up as they're being lovey-dovey on their bed.

Truthfully, you're happy for both of them but it's hard when you're struggling with your relationship. You feel like, as a couple, you're at a standstill.

Liam and Riley got a green light, you see Sabine and Oliver, they're not perfect but it's endearing to see them overcoming things together.

Then you look at what you have and Changbin, it's alright, it's okay but that's not enough for you. This thought leads you spiraling down, you wonder about everything that is wrong with you and what could've been the source of the problem.

Without intending to, you begin to feel insecure about yourself, questioning everything, including your feelings until it overwhelms you.

When you wake up in the morning, you feel like doing nothing. As if you have the choice, you drag yourself out of bed and get ready for the day. It seems pointless now doing all of this.

"How are you doing, my darling?" Sabine asks.

"Feel like shit," you honestly reply.

Sabine takes her turn to be the one who comes to your aid after you did the same role to him days ago. She reaches across the table to place her hand on your forearm.

"Is it about Changbin? Are you guys alright?" She lowers her voice since the other girls are also in the room.

"I don't like that he's like... 'we're not going to do anything physical'," you tell her while dampening your cotton pad with toner.

"Like... give me something. Fuck!" You lowly curse, putting your suppressed anger into that profanity.

You toss the dirty cotton pads away and let out a long sigh even though it no longer helps you to calm down, "It's like he's cockblocking himself."

"Oh, my God!" Sabine gasps with a horrified look on her face.

Even Sabine can't find any words to say to help you with your crisis because it's that bad and of course, Lana knows about your bad day so she comes to make it worse.

At this point, you give up on trying to guess Lana's intentions and just go with it.

"Hello, everyone," Lana opens her session as usual.

"Hello, Lana!" Sabine cheerily responds next to you.

It's not hard to spot where Changbin when he's the biggest of all of the boys and he's sitting on the far end of the sofa.

"I am pleased to see that several of you have developed romantic connections during your time here," Lana says.

Not sure which couple she deems as romantic but you're sure as hell it's not you.

"But for these relationships to succeed in the long-term, it is vital that you trust each other to resist temptation."

Jax dramatically gasps from the other side of you, "Uh-oh!"

That sure sounds like Lana is brewing something and you're aware you wanted to stop guessing but... old habits die hard.

"Today, I will be putting that to the test."

Oh? Another test? You have done it once and barely passed it, you're not keen on going through that again.

"With the help of two new arrivals."

New guests, huh? So yeah, you don't want to be involved in any drama, not when you're going through something right now.

"The first new arrival is... Javi."

You already have too much in your head to add something else to worry about.

"The second new arrival is... Gia."

And you don't want to do anything, you want to curl up into a ball and be left alone.

"Two of you will be going on private dates with the new arrivals."

Is there a way where you can escape Lana just for a day? A few hours will do.

"They have selected the guests they are most attracted to from a choice of those in relationships."

Everyone else is busy freaking out at Lana's announcement while you keep dissociating yourself from what's happening.

"Javi has chosen to go on a date with..."

You reel yourself back into reality and notice that everyone is looking so tense.

"...Sabine."

It seems like the table has turned. First, it was Oliver and now, Sabine is being picked for the date. You can see the slight panic on Oliver's face.

But then what if...?

"And Gia has chosen to go on a date with..."

You look over at Changbin and feel a little nervous that he'd get picked, well, even if he did get picked and his head turned, then it would only reassure you about the true state of your relationship.

"...Liam."

Yet here you are, letting out a sigh of relief knowing that he didn't get chosen for the date.

-

YOU: I'm– [sighs] I'm starting to second-guess what I have with Changbin.

-

Everyone else is buzzing with the new arrivals and all the drama surrounding it, except Changbin.

Everyone has been behaving lately and no one is breaking the rules, everything is going so well so Changbin wonders why you're sitting by yourself looking rather upset about something.

He comes up to you, putting on a smile when you glance up from your glass of wine.

"Hey," he says as he takes a seat next to you.

You hold your drink in the other hand and meekly reply, "Hi."

It's like the girl he met is slowly disappearing from you, you look down and low-spirited, and the sparks in your eyes are somehow dimming.

"How are you feeling?" He asks.

You scratch the back of your neck and weakly smile, "Right now, I'm a little bit lost," you answer.

Lost? Lost as in you don't know where to go or what to do anymore? But the more important question to ask is... is it about you and him?

You uncross your legs and put away your drink, looking serious as you start talking to him, "I do value physical affection and I feel like I wasn't getting what I needed from you," you tell him.

Changbin tilts his head to the side, feeling accused of something he didn't do. He's been treating you well and trying to do better every day so yeah, he won't easily accept you just said to him.

"I told you that there's no reason why we should break rules now," he reminds you of the things he has said to you once.

It seems like you have so many things to say to him but not wanting to let it out, but he's noticing how your jaws are clenched and unclenched.

"We're supposed to work on our connection and I've been opening up so much to you but you're not," you reply to him.

He's not going to lie, you hit him hard with that one. He admits you've been so open to him and what he gave back to you? Not so much.

"Being more open... that's not easy for me," he honestly admits.

"I know," you answer.

"And I've seen you trying but it's been a while now and it feels like we're not going anywhere," you look away and let out a low sigh.

It makes his head hurt how you misunderstood everything and doubted him when all he does is try to do what's right.

"I like you," he says to you, running out of things to say to convince you.

"But you don't show me that and I started to think that maybe it's not because of the money..." Your voice is quivering and you pause to inhale air.

Changbin lets you finish talking because he knows you still have a lot to utter to him.

You brush your hair to the back and sigh, "You make me feel so insecure and I don't like that," you conclude.

Not only that half of what you said is not true, Changbin is a little annoyed at how haste you conclude things. He also doesn't like how you doubt him, questioning everything when he thinks that he has shown you everything he has.

Changbin has a lot to say to that but he doesn't want to do the same thing, being haste about it and saying things he didn't mean.

-

CHANGBIN: I don't want to give up on her but I need some time to think things through.

-

It's the first time in the retreat you wake up feeling not excited, you wake up letting out a long sigh instead.

Lana chimes in for her morning greeting so you drag yourself out of the duvet and sit up on the bed with your back resting against the headboard.

"Good morning, everyone!"

A few are sleepily answering to her while the others are still struggling to open their eyes.

"Javi and Gia, I trust that you sleep well," Lana says, talking to the new guests.

Gia turns to look at everyone in the room, "are there usually noises in the middle of the night?"

"What noises?" Liam asks.

"Like smooching sounds..." Gia proceeds to describe the noises she heard last night.

To be completely honest, you're hearing your own thoughts all night to hear anything else.

"From where?"

Gia shakes her head, "No idea."

Well, wherever that smooching sound coming from, it's definitely not from your bed. You wake up next to Changbin but this morning, it feels like you're merely there for the sole reason that is sharing the bed and nothing more.

"How is it going with our big guy?" Sabine asks as the two of you are doing your make-up in the dressing room.

"I talked to him last night," you answer.

Sabine twists her hair before putting it on one shoulder, "And how did it go?"

You squeeze a dollop of moisturizer on the back of your hand and slowly dab it on your face, "a lot of stuff been said, a lot of stuff going down..."

Sabine turns on her feet to face you, "What's going on?"

Your shoulders slumped as you let out a sigh, "I honestly don't want to talk about it," you tell her.

As much as you want to tell her everything, talking about last night only makes you feel sad and you don't want to let it bring you down further.

-

YOU: The ball is on Changbin's court now so let's see what he's going to do with it.

-

Just because there's drama going on with you, that doesn't mean you're not aware that the new guy, Javi, has been secretly checking you out since last night.

Just now, you notice him clocking you out while you're chilling in the swimming pool with Jax.

After a while, he realizes that you know so he swims in your direction and stops right in front of you.

Beads of water are dripping down his tattooed body, he brushes his wet hair to the back and smiles at you.

"Hey, how are you girls doing?" He greets both of you, but his eyes are only looking at you.

"Good. You?" Jax answers.

You decide not to say anything but lock in a gaze with him, those light brown eyes are piercing right through you.

Javi looks away to glance at Jax and a moment later, puts his eyes on you again, more intense than before.

"Red looks good on you," he compliments.

The way he's looking at you, it's like he's doing something unspokenly filthy with those eyes.

"I know," you coyly say with a half smirk.

Javi flicks his eyes to your lips for a second then intensely stares into your eyes before brushing his hair to the back again.

"See you girls later," he says, then continues swimming to the other end of the pool.

Jax nudges your side with her eyes watching Javi swimming away, "Look at those shoulders," she whispers.

"I know," you mutter back, getting that fluttering feeling as you recall the way he looked at you.

The reason Lana has been quiet lately is because she's been collecting the receipts and you believe she's going to expose them soon.

And just like you have predicted, she gathers everyone in the bedroom when you're still getting ready for the night. Even though you have to third-wheel Liam and Riley, you decide to sit on their bed because it's much closer to the door back to the dressing room.

"Hello, everyone!" Lana starts.

"Hi, Lana!" The group replies in unison, not sure about everyone else but you're not that excited to hear her voice.

"You have received watches as part of the next stage of your development at my retreat. Unfortunately, some of you have still decided to disobey my rules."

See? You know she's been quiet for a reason, not because she didn't know people had been secretly breaking the rules.

Nico raises his hand and speaks up, "I'm just going to straight up telling you guys that Rita and I kissed," he bravely confesses.

"I'm sorry," Rita quickly adds with an adorable pout.

Everyone let that one slide because someone is quick to claim with their rulebreak and it's making it easier for everyone to assess the damage.

"This breach of rules has cost the group $6,000," Lana announces.

Here is the time for the animosity to fill the air, the cone is still lighting up so it means she's not done, there must be another rule break.

"Okay, who else wants to fess up?" Changbin says and he looks confident saying that because there's nothing happened last night, or anything before that for that matter.

"You're looking nervous there, Gareth," Liam points out, shifting everyone's attention to him.

Gareth doesn't put on a good poker face, he keeps rubbing his chin with both of his ears reddening. You look at Jax and she's only giggling next to him.

"Oh, God!" Sabine groans with her hand flying to her forehead.

Gareth finally faces everyone and lets out a nervous laugh, "We had a moment last night, we uh..." he starts, now scratching his ears, flustered.

"With all of us in the room?" Riley asks in disbelief.

"We what?" Oliver presses him.

"We started with a kiss," Gareth continues, stammering as he speaks, "Then we wanted to..."

"Mate, stop stalling," Oliver presses him more.

Poor Gareth, he's under a lot of pressure right now and Jax is right there, leaving his man facing it alone. After a moment though, she finally finishes it for him.

"I gave him a hand job, no big deal," she nonchalantly admits.

There's a mix of reactions but most of them are disappointed groans. Apart from the fact that he spent money, you understand Gareth's struggle though.

"That's so selfish!" Changbin says loud enough for everyone to hear.

Except for Changbin probably, he doesn't understand the struggle because he's Lana's loyal disciple.

"Jax and Gareth, I must inform you that your rule breaks have resulted in a total of $16,000," Lana announces.

The groans are filling the room and everyone is sure not tolerating what Gareth and Jax did because they're only been here for barely a week now.

"The prize fund now stands at $139,000," Lana updates.

-

YOU: It seems like Changbin is too busy worrying about the money than our relationship [scoffs]

-

The vibe gets a little off in the villa ever since Lana announced the current prize fund.

You finish your make-up quickly and get out of the villa, get a drink for yourself, and then sit on the lounger.

The night is warm with cool air blowing your way, you look up and see the stars like pinpricks on the night sky, it's a beautiful night, too bad you don't have anyone to share it with.

"May I sit?" Someone asks.

You turn on your seat to see Javi standing with a drink in his hand, looking good in a black t-shirt and blue jeans and no everyone can't look that attractive in such a casual attire.

"Yes, please," you tell him with a smile.

He then sits on the lounger next to you, sitting facing you with your knees almost touching in the middle.

"How are you?" He asks.

"I'm good," you lie, in the hope that if you believed it enough, it'd come true, "You?"

"Great!" He shortly answers with a bright smile, showcasing his perfect white teeth.

You respond with a smile then take a sip of your wine, your eyes are quietly looking at the tattoos peeking out of the neckline of his t-shirt.

"You look amazing," he compliments with yet another bright smile.

"Thank you," you say, suddenly so aware of yourself that you cross your legs together.

"I like the dress. It suits you well," he compliments again.

Javi sure knows how to amuse a girl, complimenting you to the tiniest details just to let you know that he pays attention to you.

"Thank you," you say again.

Javi takes a sip of his drink before putting his attention back to you, "I actually can't believe how beautiful you are," he sweetly compliments again.

You crack a shy laugh and thank him again, suddenly having problems accepting compliments.

"It's nice to finally be able to talk to you," he says.

"Why is that so?" You curiously ask.

"As soon as I looked at you, you caught my eyes but I obviously didn't want to step on anyone's toes," Javi openly shares, avoiding using Changbin's name.

"Really?" You ask.

"Yes," He answers with a nod then buries his head in his hands, probably to hide his reddening cheeks.

And you like that in contrast to his appearance, he gets shy as he's talking to you.

"I like that you're shy, it's sexy," you compliment him back with a satisfied grin.

"Well, I'm trying to..." he can't finish his sentence without shyly laughing.

Javi takes a big gulp of his wine and swallows it down fast, he looks a little nervous so whatever he's going to say next it's important to him.

"So, what do you think the sleeping arrangements will be?" He asks.

Oh? He's quite aggressive and you like that. It reminds you of someone you used to know but unfortunately, he's not that man anymore and Javi seems to be more than glad to take that role.

You tilt your head to the side and ask, "What do you want it to be?"

Javi is giving you that gaze again, the kind of gaze that slowly strips you away from your senses, making you a little crazy.

"I think you'd look much better in my bed," he boldly remarks.

You're not sure if it's because he's so attractive, a bit aggressive or if it's because you're just so desperate for some attention and some touches.

Either way, you want in.

-

YOU: I've been waiting for Changbin but he clearly has not gotten the message so I might have to explore some other options here.

-

The longer he's away from you the more Changbin realizes that he doesn't want to give up on you.

He's indeed worrying too much about the rules and the money that he forgets that the point of this retreat is to build a connection. He admits that his plan has backfired on him.

The worst of all, he's been forcing this on you without asking you how you feel about it.

That's fatal and he understands now why you're so mad. He doesn't know why it took him this long but he's ready to have another talk with you again.

This time, he promises to be more open because you deserve it, you deserve better.

After drying his hair, Changbin tosses the towel into the laundry basket and makes his way to the bedroom. He has nothing in his mind, he's just going get in there and wait for you on his bed.

Once he pushes the door though, he's not expecting to see you getting on Javi's bed. He has to take a second to register what he's seeing before snapping himself out of it. He continues his way to his bed, collapsing onto the mattress and trying hard to ignore how Javi is cuddling you on the bed opposite his.

"You're okay, Bin?" Nico asks from the bed next to him.

Changbin plays it cool by giving him a thumbs up in response.

Well, to be honest, he's mad, he feels like walking up to you and asks, 'What the fuck?

He planned on talking to you but how is he going to do that if you're on someone's bed?

-

CHANGBIN: I really wanted to believe that this was going in the right decision but I just believed it too soon.

-

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[princedesnuees]

THUNDERSTORM — amab!reader x jaehyun.

pairing: amab!reader x jaehyun. genre: romance, fluff. summary: a storm forces you to seek shelter in a café; inside, you make an encounter that changes everything. warnings: smoking, thunderstorm, soft sex, mutual masturbating. words: 5k

What crappy weather.

You didn't expect it would rain this hard. In a way, it's a good thing, because you've found a café where you can rest until the downpour passes, and where you can enjoy a nice, warm cup of coffee. One reason you're not in a hurry to get home is because you know that, as usual, your parents will be pissed off after their day's work and will still be yelling at you to do the housework. No, you really don't want to. And they can't blame you for taking shelter during a storm, can they?

There are people all around. People arriving, soaking wet. A few groups of friends who were there before you. People are chatting, moving around, commenting on the bad weather. A clap of thunder strikes, almost causing you to spill your cup. Just as you jump, your tray swings around and threatens to hit the floor, but a deft hand catches it just in time. Your eyes widen.

"Wow, amazing reflexes!" you comment, impressed.

"Better not to overload to the staff." he answers. And you understand, because the staff is very busy and don't know where to turn.

"Have you been here for long?" he asks, and this makes you realize that, in reality, you have no idea, because you haven't looked at the clock since you arrived. You glance at your cell phone and realize you've already been here a whole hour.

"Wow, an hour already."

Your tray-saver smiles, and you can't help noticing the dimples that delicately hollow out the corners of his lips. To be honest, you're almost blushing.

"Yeah, time flies here. It's nice. I come here often."

"This is my first time. Do you want to sit down?" You say, pointing to the empty seat opposite. Your interlocutor smiles wider. You understand that he must have been looking for a place to sit, but the space is crowded with all the people already there. He grabs the chair and sits down, sweatshirt sleeves rolled up. His hand runs through his hair, disciplining a few blonde strands. You don't know why, but the gesture alone is enough to make you feel a strange sensation in your stomach. You wiggle your face to pull yourself together.

"Hm. Are you here to run away from the storm?"

"That's it. I was expecting a friend, but I don't think he's coming. He's tied up with work."

"Ah shit." You raise your cup to your lips. "Would you like a drink?"

"I usually go for an americano."

"Usually?"

"Already finished mine." His grin evolves further. You notice the color of his lips, a beautiful pigmented pink. Blinking, you avert your gaze.

"So I'll buy you another, it's well worth the tray."

"Let's go!"

You manage to catch the eye of a waiter who is wandering between customers with difficulty. He comes back to you with the requested drink, steaming hot.

"You're a chef, thanks."

"My pleasure. And your name?"

"Jaehyun."

Jaehyun.

You don't have time to point out the singularity of the first name when another bolt of lightning strikes outside, startling the assembly.

"Oh fuck, that was a good one! I love thunderstorms." It's not a passion, but it's close. You have this uncanny ability to sleep soundly even when there's thunder outside. You don't know why, you find it soothing, mostly with the sound of the rain. But being in the rain isn't really your thing.

Jaehyun smiles at you. You don't know if he shares the same passion, but you feel he's interested in what you're saying. Shit, man. He's got to stop looking at you like that. That makes you feel…

"You should come around more often."

"Hm?"

"They often update their menu, so there's always something new to try. I like coming here for that too."

"Oh yeah, we can try it together!" The "we" inadvertently slipped out and you're about to tone it down, when Jaehyun's words catch you off guard.

"Definitely. I don't really have any mates who enjoy having coffee after coffee like me. This'll be nice to try."

"Do you live around here?"

"A little north of town. I come by bus. How about you?"

"A little south…" But something inside you suddenly wants to migrate further north. "There's more to do up north, you're in luck."

"That's what everyone says, but the truth is, it's not that crazy."

"Did you go to the carnival, last Sunday?"

"Oh yeah, it was great, there was a parade with animatronics! Did you see them?"

"YES! I was there, around four o'clock, I couldn't get there before but I stayed until the end of the parade!"

"Hey, maybe we ran into each other. I was with a bunch of buddies. There was a churro stand right next to the church. We got a pack for five, I swear, we busted our guts."

"I can believe that. We rushed to the hot dog stands…" It does something to you to know that Jaehyun was there too, but you didn't know he existed yet, and vice versa. Basically, the city isn't that huge, even if it is known for its tourism and its many historical structures. Jaehyun smiles at you, gradually finishing his drink. And unlike you, he's managed to finish his snack without spilling it all over the table. It's funny how this guy has something between casual and neat. You can't quite explain it. You're even wondering when Jaehyun pulls back his chair to leave the table. He pulls a packet from his pocket.

"The weather's clearing up a bit. I'm going for a smoke."

"Oh, can I come with you?" You don't know why, but you asked out of pure reflex, because the truth is, you don't smoke. And you've never even touched a cigarette in your life.

"Sure."

And you grab your coat in a hurry before joining Jaehyun at the storefront. It's a bit windy and rainy, but much less than earlier. The sight of a thunderstorm rumbling in the distance is even more captivating to watch than from inside. You bundle up in your jacket, fearing the icy breeze, while Jaehyun is out in his sweater.

"Aren't you cold???"

"Nah. I'm not really sensitive to cold."

Guided to his lips, the tip of his cigarette sparkles. The vision clouds your mind. There's something hypnotic about watching that flame dance.

"Do you smoke?"

"Uh, actually, no." You laugh nervously at the revelation. You don't want to come across as clingy, but you simply couldn't resist joining Jaehyun outside.

"Want to give it a try?" He hands you the open package, and then… You hesitate. Normally you'd say no, but now… Something inside you wants to get on the same wavelength as your Jaehyun. Maybe to… impress him?

"You don't have to."

"Yes, I am curious." You grab a cylinder, which you slip between your lips. Since you supposedly have no fire on you, it's Jaehyun's lighter that comes to prime the cancerous one. And inevitably, as the big newbie you are, you cough like a loser. And that makes the blond guy laugh. A laugh that transcends you in a way you'd never imagined. His voice was already deep and penetrating, but here… It sends a shiver up your spine.

"It's always like that the first time. After that, it gets better."

He blows the tobacco smoke skywards, and you imitate him, taking another drag. You look ridiculous because you've always been told that you don't look like a smoker anyway.

"This stuff tastes really weird."

"This is what tobacco tastes." he simply says, tapping his cigarette above the void. Ash flies out.

"The sky's starting to clear… My parents will yell at me if I'm home too late."

"Do you live with them?"

"I wish I lived somewhere else."

"Enjoy. Family is precious."

You get the impression that there's some heaviness in his words. That he's not just saying that.

"And where do you live?"

"I live in a flat share. I left the nest to study."

Why does that sound like the beginning of a tragic story? It couldn't be more classic. It's a weird impression you get. Well, the cigarette won't last long with you. You resolve to crush the rest in the ashtray by the entrance. You've lost the battle, but not the war.

As for Jaehyun, he seems to be savoring the moment. And his silhouette stands out perfectly against the stormy panorama. You contemplate, silent. Before the sound of a notification catches your attention. You reach into your coat pocket for your phone. Discover that, obviously, your mother is summoning you home as soon as possible now that the squall has subsided.

"I'm going to have to get back."

"Oh yeah? Take care of yourself, then."

"We… We'll see each other again?"

"I come here a lot, I told you."

That should reassure you, but you're not at ease. You want… more. You want more.

"Can I have your number?"

You can tell he's surprised by the request. He brings his cigarette to his lips, before stepping closer. Pulls his phone out of his jeans.

"Yeah. Open your phonebook."

"Done."

You carefully record his number and add his first name. With such proximity, you realize that Jaehyun is much taller than you. His cologne travels to you. It smells good. It's virile, a little woody, a little full-bodied… And you certainly didn't expect him to ruffle your hair with an almost brotherly sweep of his hand, before winking at you.

"Get home safe."

"… Yes."

Your heart is pounding. You go back inside to pay quickly, but it's mostly to hide the scarlet tint your cheeks have taken on under the unexpected contact. On your way out, you wave to Jaehyun, before hurrying home in a fine drizzle, but a drizzle that still exists. One thing's for sure, your meeting with Jaehyun will give you the kind of evening you haven't had in a while.

"Hi Jaehyun. Do you remember me? I'm the one you met at the cafe when it stormed three days ago. I hope the americano was good. I'd love to see you again sometime. See you."

Crap.

You didn't think of that detail, but… He still doesn't know your first name. When you saved it in your phone, it was easy, you just had to add "Jaehyun". But how will he know it's you? Will he even remember you? It's been three days since you met. In fact, you didn't send a message because… You don't know. You're a bit afraid of disturbing someone. You don't want to rush things either. But at the same time… It's just an acquaintance, right? So there's no need to stress. Why are you so freaked out, then? And more importantly… Doesn't that sound like a cheesy message?

You don't have time to think, your phone just vibrated. A notification. You throw yourself on your mobile, both panicked and overexcited.

"Yo! Of course I remember you. Thanks for the coffee, it was delicious. Let's do it again sometime. Are you free this weekend? There's an arcade that just opened downtown. If you want, we can go together. Jay"

Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!

"Cool! With pleasure for the arcade, I love it. Shall we meet at the main square Saturday around two?"

Why do you feel nervous like you're talking to your biggest star? It's just a guy you met in a café during a storm. You send the message, and drop into bed, eyes glued to the ceiling. Damn, you're breathing like you've run a marathon. But you smile, too happy, and you don't know if it's because Jaehyun remembers you, or if it's because… You're already looking forward to the day you're going to spend together. You don't know why he made such an impression on you, even though he didn't do anything special. Once again, your phone rings. You turn around to unlock the screen and jump into the conversation.

"Nice. By the way, you never told me your name."

You silly. How could he know? You laugh nervously before tapping the keyboard and sending. No more little stranger in the café. Now, you each have someone to call by his first name.

Saturday arrives, and you don't know how to express how nervous you are. You even spent three hours thinking about your outfit, before settling on the simplest. Sweatshirt, cargo pants and sneakers, your safe bet. Furthermore, you're in luck because, unlike last time, there's no storm on the horizon.

You've been waiting by the fountain for a few minutes, your nose bent over your phone, watching for any messages. Nothing. So you kill time on Instagram, until you hear your name called in the distance. Then you straighten your neck, trying to figure out where the voice is coming from. And you smile broadly when you see a familiar blond hair advancing towards you.

"Jay!" The use of the nickname is almost instinctive.

"Yooooo! You didn't wait too long? Sorry, I was stopped by a little granny who wanted me to help her cross. We're in luck, there's great sunshine today."

Yes. Too bad you'll be spending the day cooped up in an arcade, then.

"No, I'm fine, I haven't been here for even five minutes. How are you?"

"Great. Good to see you again."

The statement makes you blush.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was wondering what had become of you. I didn't have your number. My favorite little smoker."

"Don't laugh, I just wanted to try!"

"I'm not laughing, it was cute."

What do you mean, you can blush even harder…?

"If you say so…"

"Well, shall we go? The arcade is in the alley right next door."

You already thought he was very relaxed at the café, but now you even feel like you're seeing an extrovert. He's on the move. You wouldn't be surprised if he had all kinds of friends, and it even makes you wonder why he chooses to spend the day just with you. A guy dropping his tray isn't that striking, is it?

"Wow."

The building is plunged into darkness, and in the midst of everyone who's already there, you swear you're in some kind of cyberpunk metropolis with all those lights and neon and virtual terminals.

"This is awesome!!!" You approach the game machine, excited as a kid. Jaehyun arrives, amused to see you so enthusiastic.

"Yeah. They opened a month ago. Basically, everything's brand new. Want to try a game?"

"Over there!" You point to a machine with patterns that draw you in. It's a fighting game that looks like it's only playable solo, but nothing to worry about when Jaehyun simply stands behind your back and accompanies you through the game.

"Come on, take this!!" Your hands go wild over the joystick and buttons. Actually, you're pressing totally randomly, as it's always the case with fighting games. You hear Jaehyun laughing behind you, and it makes you straighten your eyes.

"What?"

"It'll be better if you do it like this. Look."

He places his hands around yours, and it's amazing how small they look, wrapped under Jaehyun's. Is it you it's really hot all of a sudden?

"You see? It's simpler. You make this combination and you're sure to win."

"Oh yeah…"

Yeah? You're barely listening, too busy watching that jaw angle he's offering you in that ambiguous posture. You feel his chest against your back. His scent enveloping you, driving you mad. You even feel him close to your ear, watching the screen with you. Your heart's beating a thousand miles an hour.

Fucking hell, calm down.

"And then… BOOM!" he manipulates your controller, still guiding your hand. On the screen, enemies fall one by one. But you can't really see it, because everything inside you is shaking, hot and hypnotized by the manly arms around you. By that voice that advises you, congratulates you when you win, and laughs when you lose. Your feverish fingers almost slip off the joysticks.

The end-of-game screen appears. Once again, Jaehyun's hand passes through your hair, setting you on fire.

"Want to try another game?"

"… Yeah."

"Look, that looks pretty good."

You play one game after another all afternoon, and you're not sure if it's the enclosed space that's making you so hot, or if it's something else. And you're afraid of that something else. Afraid you're starting to feel something you shouldn't. You dismiss these thoughts with a shake of your head, then go to get something to eat and drink.

The evening passes by itself, you don't see the time go by. It's when you glance at the time on your phone that you are saddened to see that the arcade is already closing soon. You make your way back to the exit as you finish your soda.

The sky begins to take on darker colors, a sign that night is approaching.

"The time passed so quickly, it's crazy." you say, before tossing your cup into the trash.

"We had a lot of fun, didn't we? It was great. They've got really good games, I've missed that."

"Thanks for bringing me here."

"You're welcome, it was well worth the americano. Are you going home now?"

"Yes. My mother wants me to help her tidy up. I'm lazy…"

Jaehyun laughed softly. "I can just imagine you, in the middle of boxes and dust. Tidying everything up."

"Don't laugh, my mother hates mess. She yells if we don't clean up the kitchen after we come over."

"I wish my roommates were that disciplined. The flat is a mess."

The flat. You'd like to see what it looks like, the kind of place he lives in. What his life is like, quite simply.

"I'll come and help you tidy up, if you want. I'm used to do it now."

"Hahaha, why not? Maybe it'll teach my roommates the rules of etiquette."

Instantly, you blush, because you weren't expecting some kind of positive response.

"Anyway, it was cool. I'm glad you came with me." His voice sounds a little deeper, suddenly.

"Didn't you have anyone to go with?"

"My buddies aren't too interested in geek culture. Old games and stuff aren't their thing."

"Oh."

"So I'm glad that we can do it together."

Together. It's your turn to smile, delighted. You don't know how to say it, but you're happy to have been able to share this moment with him. In the end, all this doesn't help you know how to say goodbye to Jaehyun. Should you give him a kiss on the cheek? Give him a manly pat on the back and say bye? Just walk away? Luckily, it's him who comes to solve the problem for you.

Against all expectations, he slips his arm around your neck before starting to walk up the street. "I'll walk you to the bus." You say nothing, simply nodding. At the bus stop, you wait a few minutes before the long vehicle arrives. You climb in, crossing the rows of seats to a seat at the back, waving to Jaehyun. You don't know if it's the rain starting to fall, but through the window you feel as if you've seen him wink at you.

When you get home, you walk up to your bedroom, throwing your bag at the foot of your bed. You fall into it, exhausted and happy. Downstairs, you hear your mother calling you, and never in your life have you answered her in such a joyful tone.

It's twenty-two o'clock. You're exhausted. The day has finished you off. You're lying in bed with the lights off, only your computer's lighting up your room. And you're still working on a school project when you get a message.

"Hi, my favorite gamer! I hope you had a good day. I know it's been tough today, but if you need to talk, I'm here."

Only Jay can get you to smile after such a long and hard day. You answer.

"Feel like playing a little game before bed."

You smile, because you know Jay's always up for it. And that's your little reward: a good half-hour's game before bed. It's been like this for over two weeks now. Every night, a game. And during the day, you continue to exchange messages. It's a way of getting through the day and holding on, before enjoying the evening. Just like now.

Headphones on, you check the results of the day's games.

"We climbed up the ranking!"

"Did we?"

Jay's voice rings out from the other end of the microphone. You hear him, and get the impression that he's a little tired, too. His voice is deeper than usual.

"Yeah! We're getting better every day, diamond rank is ours in no time!" You might be reaching a bit too far, but you like to dream.

"That would be cool. Imagine, we become pro players."

"Would you embark on a career as an e-sport player?"

"Why not? If I could, I'd do that. I've got nothing to lose."

"What about your studies?"

"Almost finished. After that: freedom."

"That's right. You're lucky."

"It'll be your turn soon, don't worry."

You lie back more comfortably in your bed, staring at the ceiling. You cherish these moments with Jay. He's understanding, always present and open-minded.

"Hey, Jay."

"Hm?"

"Why… Do you spend so much time with me?"

And now you don't know if he heard you or if the microphone's cut off, because quite some time passes before you realize the silence that fills the room. You straighten your neck, not sure if your connection is good.

But then a voice calls out.

"Because I like being with you. You make me laugh, we have fun, time always passes faster when you're around." You can feel the temperature gradually rising. "And because, with you, I can really be myself. Share my passions. I told you, I don't really have any buddies who like games."

"So it's just for that?"

"No, I…" It's rare that you hear him hesitate like that. So you strain your ear further. "… I think you're cute."

Your myocardium misses a step.

"C… Cute?"

"Yeah. You… In the café where we met. I thought you looked cute."

"Wait, you'd already seen me?"

"I saw you as soon as you walked into the café. You looked a little lost in thought. Quiet in the middle of all those people. I thought it was… I don't know. Endearing." You say nothing. But not because you haven't heard. "You know, I knew you didn't smoke, I mean, it was obvious. But when you tried it anyway, it did something to me. I thought you were attractive." Silent, your hand wanders to your belly. "There's something about you that doesn't leave me indifferent." You reach under your sweater. Caress a flat surface. Warm.

"Me too…"

"Huh?"

His surprise is audible. And… Luckily, he can't see how red you are. How everything in you vibrates. Only calls him.

"Every night, I… I wait until you're home so we can talk. Tell each other about our day." Even here, near your ribs, it's hot. "Playing together. Going out in town. At the arcade, the first time… I… When you stood behind me… I felt… good…"

Your fingers wander, brushing against your inflamed skin. Your breathing quickens, too.

"I was wondering what was so special about me that you'd give me so much time. You're a popular guy with lots of friends, you're cool, you attract everyone around you… Me, I'm all alone, I don't hang out with anyone. I'm nothing special."

Now your hand is sliding down. Hovering around your covered underbelly.

In fact, saying all this out loud almost makes you sad.

"I think you're wrong." Jay's voice resonates. It soothes something inside you, as it always does. You close your eyes, letting his voice seep into each of your thoughts. Every pore of your skin that you touch, discovering for the first time. "Can't you see that you're different from the others, and in the best way possible? You're funny, a bit shy, but most importantly, you're curious about everything, you want to try new things. I always want to protect you." There's something warm that catches your attention below your belly. "I've never felt this way about anyone." Passing your hand isn't very difficult. You flirt with the edge of a fabric. "At the arcade, when I was behind you, I wanted to…" You inhale. Exhale. Because in reality, you guess exactly what he's going to say.

"You wanted to kiss me."

It's his turn to stop. A silence passes. But it's not an awkward silence. It's the silence of two people realizing they feel the same way. So you continue.

"Me too. I wanted to. I could smell you… And your voice… You don't realize, your voice, the effect it has on me…" Maybe he could realize, if he saw you make your hand tremble over an area that grows bigger and bigger as your caresses venture. "Jay."

"Are you… touching yourself?"

A smile springs to your lips. Your eyes slowly open. A whisper escapes.

"Yes."

"Does it feel good?"

"Yes. Very much."

"I want to see you."

"Do you want me to… turn on my camera?"

"Please."

Your free arm reaches out. You palpate a little blindly, seek to activate the button so the webcam reveals you, sprawled in the middle of your sheets, one hand buried between your thighs.

"Fuck…"

"Jay…"

"You…"

You blush undeniably, both ashamed and… happy. Happy, despite the important shape you can't hide, and which now becomes bigger and bigger in the palm of your hand.

"I want to see you too."

"Don't be afraid, please."

But what would you be afraid of? So you wait. You wait, and your eyes widen as a window opens on the screen, revealing the blond sitting in his chair, his wrist disappearing behind the elastic of his boxer shorts.

"Jay, you…"

"Sorry… It's been… since we finished our game."

So that's what the deeper voice was about. You smile. Almost laugh. Without stopping your movements.

"You're beautiful…" you whisper. Because Jaehyun is even more beautiful when you saw him like that, slumped in his seat, pants open. You only dared to imagine him in this posture in your wildest dreams. And the sight before you makes you even harder as your hand works to enhance your arousal.

"I'm… going to cum."

"Let's do it together, Jay…"

And you pick up the pace. Listen to the blond's moans, which he'd probably been holding back for a long time. God, that's good. His voice, when he grunts… When he… can't stand the feel of his hand on his crotch. Seeing him squirm under his own pleasure, watching you touch yourself. It feels good. It's so good it doesn't take you long to come. He joins you in your bliss, shouting your name. Your name and nobody else's. In your orgasm, you stain a piece of your sheets, your pelvis convulsing. Your breathing is erratic. You're hot, you're burning, everything inside you starts to tremble. Wanting the presence of the one man who manages to put you in such a state.

"Jaehyun… I… want you…"

"Fuck…"

You might have dirtied your covers, but he couldn't help but spill over the screen of his webcam. And it's driving you crazy. So much so that your sex continues to wobble in your hand, several jets still spurting out. Fucking good.

"T-tomorrow night… Meet at the usual spot…" His deep voice mixed with orgasm is pure delight for your ears. "I want to see you. I want to… touch you. To kiss you. Tell me you'll be there… "

Your hand withdraws, releasing your slowly deflating penis. Offered to the blond's view, you watch him contemplate the view, and you smile, barely embarrassed by your posture between relaxed and obscene.

"I'll be there, Jay… I promise."

[nights-legacy]

Can't Lose Them - MonoShin xReader

Masterlist MHA Masterlist

MonoShin x Reader (meaning Poly relationship. Don't like? Then don't read. )

2760 words

Angst/Fluff

Warnings: None

+You and Hitoshi have been friends since the UA days. You also may have had a small crush on the purple haired boy. One night, after another bad date, you make a move on him only to find out he's dating Monoma. You avoid the two like the plague. Hitoshi is upset, and Monoma has had enough. He takes the matter into his own hands to settle the matter.

I laughed as Hitoshi lost the argument with his cat, Blossom. He rubbed his nose where he got swatted. As I laughed harder, he turned to glare at me.

"Really?" He asked. I just nodded. He sighed. He got up and sat down next to me. I calmed down and set my head on his shoulder. He set his head on top of mine.

"What do you want to do now?" I asked. He made a hum and thought for a moment.

"Well, you're the one that needed cheering up so why don't you pick." He said. I sat up and nodded. I had a bad date and called Hitoshi. He insisted I come over to hang out and feel better.

"How about we have a few drinks?"

"Sounds good to me." He hopped up and came back with a few beers. 

After a few drinks, I was more relaxed. Not drunk but buzzed. I was staring at Hitoshi while he talked about something. My eyes traveled over his sharp jaw and up to his violet eyes. I had always had a crush on him ever since we met in high school.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" He caught me. I shook my head. He leant in and focused on me hard. "You sure?"

"Yeah." I nodded. My eyes darted down to his lips before looking him in the eyes.

"Y/N?" He spoke up. I moved forward without thinking and kissed him. I heard and felt him gasp. He didn't kiss me back and I pulled away.

"Toshi?"

"What the fuck?" We both turned quickly to see Monoma standing there.

"Monoma?"

"Babe!" We yelled at the same time. I looked at Hitoshi quick.

"Babe?" I asked. I saw his panicked gaze dart between me and Monoma. It finally hit me and I was overtaken with guilt and shame. "Shit... I'm sorry. So sorry."

"Y/N..." I scrambled up. I went for my jacket and shoes.

"I'm so sorry! Monoma, it was all me. Toshi didn't do anything." I looked at him and he was seething. "You can be mad at me all you want. This was all my fault. Don't be mad a Hitoshi. I'm just going to go. I'll leave you both alone."

"Y/N, wait!" I bolted out the door and away from Hitoshi's apartment building.

Ever since then, I've avoided the two like the plague. I had seen Hitoshi try and come talk to me but I would always run away. I can't even look at either of them. I didn't ever know that they were dating.

"How about you come out with the rest of us tonight?" Denki asked as he poked my arm.

"Who's us?"

"Well me, Kiri, Mina, Bakubro, Sero, Midobro, Hitoshi, Todoroki..." I held back a flinch.

"As fun as that sounds, I'm gonna have to pass, Denks. I promised to help my neighbor rearrange her living room after I got off. You know, Lina-san the older lady next door."

"Oh, I love Lina-san. Well that's a bummer you can't come out but at least your not just trying skip out."

"Yeah, definately not." I chuckled but felt bad because in reality I was. I wasn't lying about my neighbor but Anywhere Hitoshi was going, I wouldn't be. An alert beep caught both of our attentions.

"Well duty calls." He said before taking off, throwing a bye over his shoulder. My shift ended not long after and I headed home.

3rd POV

The get together was in full swing by the time Hitoshi got there. He was a little late due to a last minute villain attack. He sat down in between Denki and Bakugou before looking around. He deflated when he didn't see Y/N there.

"Hey Denks, no Y/N?" He leant over to ask.

"No. They already had plans after work. Helping their neighbor." He explained.

"Oh, okay." He sighed.

"You okay, Toshi?" Denki gave him his full attention.

"Yeah, just haven't been able to spend time with them a lot lately." He shrugged.

"Oh, yeah. You've both been pretty busy lately."

"Yeah." He nodded with a solemn look. Denki gave him a concerned look but decided to not press any further. Hitoshi pulled out his phone.

They're not here. - Hitoshi

You sure they're not just late? - Neito

Yeah, Denki said they had plans with their neighbor after work.- Hitoshi

Oh... I'm sorry baby. I feel like I came between you too. They're your best friend. - Neito

It's alright and not your fault. Y/N didn't know we were dating. I just hate that they're avoiding me. - Hitoshi

I know baby. Everything will get better. - Neito

"Hey Eye bags. Tune in will ya?" Bakugou hit his shoulder.

"Yeah, sorry."

Back at Hitoshi's apartment, Neito was getting ready to head out. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed his keys. He left really quick, heading towards Y/N's place.

Y/N's POV

"Your welcome, Lina-san!" I called as I left. I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I walked back to my door. I walked in before kicking off my shoes. I didn't get far before there was a knock on my door. "Coming!" I went back to the door and opened it. "Can I he..."

"Hello, Y/N." Monoma was standing there.

"Monoma?" I whispered surprised, taking a half step back.

"I think we need to talk." He said, looking at me with a soft look. I stood there opening and closing my mouth like a fish. He sighed and smiled at me. "L/N?"

"Oh. Um, come in." I stepped aside to let him in. He came in and toed off his shoes. I led him into the main room. "Um. Make yourself at home. I am going to get a little cleaned up. I'll be right out."

"No, no. Take your time. I am intruding unannounced. I'm in no hurry." He assured. I nodded before swiftly slipping away to go take a shower. I tried to calm down in the shower but I had no clue what Monoma was doing here. I walked out while towel drying my hair.

"So, I suspect you're here to talk about what you walked in on?" I asked shyly. He looked up at me from the couch. He nodded and patted the spot next to him. I took the spot and sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Monoma."

"It's alright. Hitoshi told me what happened. About the bad date, the drinks, and to be honest... I've known about your feelings for Hitoshi for years."

"What?!" I exclaimed. He chuckled before setting his hand on mine.

"Yep. Ever since we were in UA. I saw the way you looked at him and I know how blind Hitoshi can be."

"Monoma..."

"Neito. Please." He insisted. We sat there in silence as I soaked in that he knew all along. "He's going to be pissed at me for telling but, Hitoshi had a crush on you too, you know."

"He did?" I turned toward him.

"Yeah. I'm surprised I was able to ever get anywhere with him because of it." He chuckled. "He's distraught you know. He's so worried and upset that you won't talk to him. He texted me from the party tonight saying you weren't there and I decided that I need to come talk to you. He doesn't know I'm here."

"Oh. I hate that I'm avoiding him but I just ... I couldn't face him. Not after kissing him and finding out you two were together. I couldn't stand the thought of coming between you two. I, I, I..."

"Hey, calm down. You didn't come between us. I promise." He took my hand. "Yes, I was surprised to come home and see it but after Hitoshi explained, I understood. I think I understood more than he did."

"I don't know what to do. I embarrased myself so badly with Hitoshi, I don't even know how to go about talking to him. It is never going to be the same now."

"Who said it needed to be the same?" He suddenly said. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Neito, what do you mean..." My chin was grabbed and he turned my face gently before I felt lips on mine. I gasped before relaxing into the kiss. I looked at him confused when we pulled away.

"Hitoshi wasn't the only one who had a crush on you." He whispered against my lips. He looked into my eyes. I looked at him in shock. "I know I was a major asshole in school but my feelings were and are genuine. I couldn't help but admire you and fall helplessly in love with you. Both Hitoshi and I did."

"Neito..." I smiled and cupped his cheek. I kissed him again, pressing myself against him. "I never thought you were a major asshole, maybe a bit of one but not entirely. I figure there was more to the story."

He gripped my hip and pushed against me, laying me back. He leant over me without his lips leaving mine. I moaned and hooked my knee loosely over his hip. He pulled away gasping.

"As much as I would love to continue this, we should probably go tell Toshi what's going on, Mi Amor."

"Yeah, yeah. Probably." I gasped. He got up and held out his hand. He helped me up and kissed my hand.

"If you're ready, let's go Mi amor." I nodded.

We went back to their apartment and waited for Hitoshi to come back from the party. We talked for awhile. He told me about how he and Hitoshi got together. I also got to know the real Neito Monoma.

"Oh, he's just getting home. Hide! Let's surprise him." He said excitedly. I nodded and hid in the hall closet. I heard Hitoshi come in and greet Neito. The door opened and Neito hung up Toshi's coat. He motioned to follow him with a finger to his lips.

"They weren't there Nei. I don't know what else to do." Hitoshi sighed. I stepped out and saw him sitting on the same couch that we were on before.

"I know, Tosh. I promise we'll figure something out. I can feel it's going to be okay." Neito motioned me towards Toshi as he went to the kitchen.

"God, I hope. I can't lose them Neito. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if. I don't..." He rubbed the back of his neck. I could see how stressed he was by how tense he was. Guilt sat heavily in my stomach before I pushed it away.

"You haven't lost them." Neito said from the doorway.

"Haven't I?" I nearly heard the tears in his voice. I couldn't take it anymore. I set my hands on his shoulders. I began to rub them and he groaned.

"No." I said softly. He froze under my touch. "No, you haven't."

"Y/N?" I hummed an affirmation while still rubbing his shoulders. He suddenly grabbed my wrist and before I could say anything, he yanked me over his shoulder. I landed in his lap before looking up at him dazed. "You're here. You're here."

"Toshi..."

"I'm sorry! I should have reacted differently. I should have told you about me and Neito. I mean you're my best friend and I should have told you. Please, I'm sorry."

"Toshi..." He kept rambling on, working himself into a tizy. I looked at Neito and he looked as concerned as I felt. I looked back at Hitoshi. He showed no signs of stopping so I decided to shut him up. I reached up and wrapped my hands around his neck and yanked him down. I kissed him hard and strong.

"Umph." He stuttered for a moment before he wrapped his arm around my waist tightly. He kissed me hard, lifting me to meet him better. The heat built between us and he pulled me up to sit in his lap. I had to pull away to breath and he attached his lips to my neck.

"Toshi!" I gasped as he bit down on my skin. I tangled my fingers in his hair.

"As entertaining as this is to watch, you're getting a bit carried away for the moment." We heard Neito pipe up. Hitoshi ripped himself away from my neck and quickly but gently moved me from his lap. He quickly stood up.

"Neito, damn. I..." The blonde walked over to the couch, waving his hand in dismissle. I got on my knees on the couch and smiled at him. "I got carried away..."

"No worries." Neito leans over and kissed me gently, cupping my face with care. He pulled away and looked at me in the eyes. "They're easy to get carried away with."

"Wha... What?" He was staring at us confused. I giggled as Neito walked over to him. He cupped Toshi's face and kissed his nose.

"After you told me Y/N didn't show up tonight, I decided to go and talk to them myself. I couldn't stand seeing either of you so miserable. Plus I was getting tired of the run around." He turned to give me a pointed look. I shrunk back a little.

"Sorry." I said softly.

"It's alright sweetie." He smiled. "I wanted to get to the bottom of everything. Explain our side and ... confess our feelings."

"You told them how I feel?" Hitoshi looked at Neito hard. I decided to step in now.

"And I'm glad he did." I stepped off the couch and they both looked at me. "If he hadn't, we may have continued to run in circles. Toshi... I've had feelings for you for years. If Neito hadn't said anything, there's a good chance I would have most likely have continued to go on bad dates and never would have known that both of the men I've had major crushes on wanted me back."

"Wait, both of us?" It was Neito's turn to be surprised.

"Yeah, but you always seemed unattainable. You never seemed interested in anyone really. I guess I know why now." I chuckled. I stepped in close. "So don't be mad at him please. He was just looking out for the two of us. All of us really."

"You're right." He smiled softly. He reached out and he pulled both of us into his sides. He nuzzled into my neck and hair. "I am still sorry. I should of told you about me and Nei. You're my best friend after all."

"It's alright." I rubbed his back. "I could have reacted better. I was just so embarrased and couldn't face you." I felt Neito take my hand.

"That's all over now." He said with bright eyes. "You both made it past this hill. Now we can move on... together?" He looked nervous with the question. Hitoshi and I shared a look. There was hope and love in his eyes. A crooked, charming smile came across his face. He leant down and kissed me firmly. I kissed back earnestly.

"There's no way I letting you go again." He said as he pulled away. He looked at Neito. "You either. Your not ever getting away."

"Really?" Neito smirked at the other man. I saw a sultry look flashed across Toshi's face.

"Yes. And I'll tie you down with my capture weapon if I have too." My eyes widen at the scene in front of me. I saw a challenging looking in Neito's eyes. They seemed to get lost in each other.

"Do I need to give you two the room?" I joked, wriggling out of Toshi's grip. They snapped out of it and blushed.

"No!" They both exclaimed. Toshi was able to catch my hand. I raised the other in surrender with a giggle. I brought Toshi's hand to my lips to kiss it.

"If anything, we will take you to ours." Toshi pulled me into a steamy kiss.

"Mi Amours. You will be the death of me." Neito sassed. He pulled away and was walking back towards the kitchen, petting Blossom on the way. "How about we save that for a different evening? Yes. How about a nice dinner for the three of us tonight? I know Hitoshi hasn't eaten yet. Y/N, have you?"

"No, I immediately went to help Lina-san after my shift." I shook my head.

"Then it's settled. Now get your butts in here and help me." Toshi and I shared a look. "Are you coming?"

"Yes, dear!" Toshi called while ushering me into the kitchen, laughing.

Tag List: @lilparcheesie @dxnaii-rxse @iris-shihabi @l0vely-lee

[fourteenfifteen]

may i request some friends at the table fic recs? i haven’t ventured really into the tag

HELLO ANON yeth you can.

i am not an expert and have not read everything but i have some faves! which i will sort by season for your convenience : ] also i have not finished sangfielle so i can't help you there lo siento. if you want more fics i would say a good place to start is @arwainian's fic marathon project. he has been reading everything in the tag and recommending things as he goes there's probably as many recs as u could want right there

ALSO stating at the top that i also write fic! not going to rec any of mine but i'm kind of a hottie i won't lie to u so that's there

OK recs under the cut

these are not in any particular order within seasons!

pzn/pld [at the top bc i have a palisade fic agenda]:

bad endings by elanoides

the stellar combustor arc but a time loop. amazing writing and an instant fave as soon as i read it. i mean come on dude it's a time loop fic come onnnnnnnn

i will reveal you by rozecrest

a recent addition to the tag that i really liked very fun brnine/gucci fic. where's that post about wanting every fic to also be a literary analysis essay that's me rn

use you as a focal point by joeysnowy

theeee crysanth/SI fic which ok it's a niche market but this is just a great one

party 2nite @ bc, rsvp capt. kb by fangirl_squee

VERY fun fic where the blue channel hosts a halloween party. i was giggling bro i won't lie to you

tm:

the cat who got the whipped cream by bluecloak

how often do you get to say that the most kudosed fic in a tag totally earns that in terms of quality? lovely and funny and absolutely gorgeously written

my place to land by lady_mab

yes it's the longest fic in the tag yes it's worth the time. total au that still manages to hit that tm vibe

as many times as it takes to get it right by theorangewitch

i just read this for the first time within the last couple weeks and oof it's a great one. very funny and creative and sweet reincarnation fic

excerpts/yours/beloved/signet.asmblg by kalcifer

signet and belgard twine fic!! great shit this one goes out to all the divine likers

c/w:

rising water by yellow

in lieu of a summary i'm just going to say that i'm actively not a cassmako person but i have read this fic a dozen times

light up the way by harpydora

damn i love these crazy kids. very good fix it fic for the ppl who cried at the end of counter/weight (everyone i assume)

hieron/marielda:

moving shadows / moving light by waveridden

uhh ok so do you know the reality show naked and afraid. ephrim and throndir on that. my secsam gift from last year which was a PRIVILEGE

champions of the world by fangirl_squee

an elaborate hieron hockey au longfic. very cozy and well-thought out

presque vu by fangirl_squee

ok this one is odd and hard to describe but very cool. genuinely have read very few fics like it. read if you like: hieron's tone, weird aus, and magical realism

and i follow just to find you by angstandcaffeine

oh my godddd i love this fic. the cw's supernatural WISHES

the killing of the king god's car by the traitor prince maelgwyn by thunder_rolled_a_six

a total classic that probably everyone would recommend to you. marielda high school au but ok i don't usually like that kind of thing so trust me on this one

fits and starts by luckydicekirby

augh. oh my god. does anybody else like crying. totally amazing samfam fic that really digs into god weirdness in a way that i love and also yeah it broke my heart

making something new by harpydora

love the samol characterization in this one also i just think it's fun

other?:

who put love in my head? by kaynara

does anybody else remember half past and flashback and absolute territory? no just me? ok well in any case this fic is so fun and the character voices are so great

ok that feels like a good list! i could absolutely generate a dozen more but i'll leave it there lol generally i will say the fic generated by this fandom is pretty high quality and you'll have a decent experience just looking around in the tag like there's some good stuff in there. worth taking a chance on things (esp recent stuff!)

[ofoceansandtombsanew]

What's your relationship with Tamarack's family like?

I get along really well with Tamarack's grandparents.

Honestly, it would be harder not to all things considered! We're neighbors and spend so much time together so a good chunk of my time is spent at the Baumann's next door.

Grandpa Baumann is a lot like my own grandfather on Mom1's side irl, so it's easy for me to get along with him and his silent kindness. And I love eating Grandma Baumann's snacks in her drawing room and having our tea parties. It's pretty obvious to her grandparents that we adore each other but they think of it more as puppy love that the two of us will grow out of as we get older (little do they know).

I feel like Gramps is the one who realizes first that it's more than just a puppy love phase though. Granny, it takes a bit before she comes to the same conclusion as her husband.

As for Frederick and Nichole, that one is a bit harder to answer.

From a gameplay standpoint, I can acknowledge they are people that are trying their best but their trying their best led to them being less than stellar parents. So I want to see them rekindle that bridge with the grandparents and with their own daughter.

But within the context of the self-ship, my relationship with Tamarack's parents is rocky. They were a lot more intimidating as elementary schoolers when the reality of how Tamarack's life in Golden Grove was supposed to be temporary hit, become more like unstable anomalies as we get older. We don't know what's going on in their heads and it makes it really hard to get along with them.

That's also part of the reason why I have a hard time telling Tamarack that I like her, not just because I can't tell how she feels about me. Do I tell her if she potentially moves during freshman year? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? Eventually the desire of 'rejection is better than regret' comes ahead full force though.

Once we interact more with them when the game comes out, it'll be easy to figure out how I interact with her parents. So for now I have a tentative, as long as they treat me with respect, I treat them with respect as far as Step 2 interactions go. It doesn't matter if you're a kid, you're a living being and you deserve respect. I'll be relatively polite for Tamarack's sake but if they ever make her upset, that might go out the window.

If I'm too volatile and hostile, I'm afraid they'll think I'm a bad influence on their daughter and not want us to be friends anymore. I don't think that would happen because Granny and Gramps would come to fucking bat for me but then I'd wonder if that would become an argument that would solidify Tam's parents taking her back to live with them.

While Granny and Gramps eventually come to the realization that it isn't just puppy love we'll grow out of any time soon, Tam's parents are logical. They're scientists. And they also weren't there to see us grow up together and don't have a tenth of a shred of attachment to me as Frederick's parents do.

I'm assuming that by Step 3, we'll get along a lot better though. Around then they'll probably see how much we care for each other since we'll definitely dating by that time... still feel like they'd be the type of parents to potentially go 'you shouldn't go to uni with a girlfriend, either of you, a lot can happen' but then maybe the nostalgia comes out.

They met and fell in love during college even despite Granny's less than pleasant opinion of Nichole. In a way, I think Tamarack and I will eventually remind her parents of each other and they'll trust our decisions with our relationship. Sure it's a little different, we grew up together. But we are each other's choice and that's something they can respect.

What I can definitely say though is that I think Tamarack's parents are really pretty. Like holy shit, everyone in her family clearly won the genetics war, Tam included. It's something I definitely tell Serenity and Vianca if they ever ask about her parents. I'll skirt around the heavy stuff and just go "they won in genes. That family does not believe in ugly".

[themightymoose]

It'ssss Vinnie angst time! Again. It's always Vinnie angst time. Yeah.

Today's topic is his dancing. Oh, I love take it away from him. Like, we all agree he's just straight up not good at it, right? He's clumsy, he hurts himself while dancing, makes messes, stuff like that. But he also undeniably loves it, I mean have you seen how often he does that and might I add happily so? Yeah. He loves it. And he's bad at it. A delightfully angsty scenario practically writes itself.

The way I see it, at one point it would really hit him that he's not good at it, he's not going to get paid for dancing, he's not going to make it his job, and he's not going to dazzle anyone ith his dancing. To make it have big impact let's say he fails in an important moment. Maybe he's finally performing in front of properly big audience. And it goes horribly. He used to fantasize being able to dance with so many eyes on him and he's finally doing it! Except that in his fantazies he performed with no mistakes and got such applause, and in reality...

It was one thing when six people or so who he knew saw him trip and fall, mess up his moves etc, but this time at least hundred of people saw it let's say. He didn't mess up once, oh no, he messed up multiple times and in a very visible way. He tried to act like all those falls were part of it but... in the end he couldn't really. Maybe he even got boo'd at. Either way he failed spectacularly and that was the moment he really realized that this is not going to work. Sure, you could say he could have just kept trying, practice makes perfect after all, right? But he had been dancing for as long as he can remember, and he's always made all those mistakes! If he didn't stop making them during all that time then what are the chances he will now...?

That is it for him, his first big proper performance and he failed completely. Mind you, he does try still dancing after that, but he can never quite muster the enthusiasm anymore. Dancing used to be fun even if he tripped and fell, it used to make him happy regardless because it was fun and he thought with enough practice he could make it work but... apparently he can't. So he dances less and less until there is none. He just can't find the energy to even try, after all what's the point if he has not improved in years...? What's the point if he's not even good at it and it doesn't bring him happiness anymore?

So he just gives up. Not only that but he feels like he has wasted so many years trying to master something he can't even do semi-correctly apparently. His depression (of course) mixed with this only worsens. Or perhaps that's how it starts? Oh well, the point it, the boy is not dancing anymore, not in front of bigger audiences, not in front of smaller audiences, not even when he's alone. He doesn't see the point and he's too tired to do it. He knows others expect him to dance and he would fall and they would laugh. So he tried at first. But after a while he just can't force himself to.

Do his friends/partners (if we're talking polypets or any other ship really) know? Idk, it could go both ways. Maybe they're aware of that monumental performance so once they notice he doesn't really dance anymore they connect the dots. Or maybe they're completely unaware for one reason or the other. Maybe at first they don't even notice he doesn't really seem to dance anymore. Maybe if they ask he makes excuses. One thing is for sure for Vinnie, that shit got him really depressed and like he should reevaluate his entire life. There's no catharsis, I don't want him to somehow get hat he wants when it comes to dancing. I want him to fall apart.

Hurray :D! Burn, baby, burn.

Forgot this was in my inbox for a couple hours oops-

Anyways damn poor Vin-Vin :( imagine how crushing it would be to have the sudden realization that the thing you love most, that you have centered your life around, that you are actually horrible at it. That no matter what you do or no matter how hard you try, it always falls flat.

And imagine how much worse it would be in front of a crowd, what if it was in front if people he admired. Maybe a famous dancer or choreographer has come to watch him. Can you believe it? Him! Out of all the things his idol could've been doing, they chose to watch him! Vinnie had to make it count

... which is what he tries to do, but to many things go wrong at once, leaving people unimpressed. Vinnie takes one last glance at his idol, his inspiration... all they do is shake their head disapprovingly. Vinnie wastes no time running off that stage and down the street as fast as he can. He swiftly opens the door and slams it shut, ignoring everyone trying to greet him and asking how his performance went. Vinnie books it to his room and slams his door before locking it.

Let's just say Vinnie cried himself to sleep that night

[perplexingluciddreams]

General ramble update:

ME/CFS crash is the most shittest shitty thing ever to exist. and makes sensory so bad with the sweating and sweating and the temperature dysregulation and the pain and the flushing hot hot face ears neck chest bad angry bad.

and then can't properly regulate sensory OR emotional because swing is make sore and more tired and more flush face ears neck chest.

and in a weird weather point where my usual hoodie makes too warm and sweaty (Worst Bad Sensory Ever), but arms is cold with only t-shirt no hoodie...

AND can't do physio walking because of crash. i thought it got better for a day or two, then did too much (mostly swing), now it is worse than the first part of the crash.

fucking hate ME/CFS it is the cruelest most horrible disease and i so so fucking wish i didn't have it

Also, AFOs still give problems (so can't even wear at this point). we try to contact orthotics people, but honestly i don't know if they can do much different at this point. i don't know if they could edit the ones i have to be wear-able, and if they can't then i really don't want to go through the process of getting another pair made, just for it to not work (and have to struggle with disappointment All Over Again).

i know i said before positive things about these AFOs, but that is my usual mess up of following scripts (copy/borrow words from others) before i even know my own feelings. i mix up anxiety and apprehension and not-sure-yet feelings with excited, because they are all "high" feelings. like buzzy and tense and energy. similar body feeling, maybe? then it is only a while later when i actually process my own body feelings, both for emotions (like anxious and disappointed) and physical sensations (like the pressure-pain from AFOs). it is only then i can say accurate things about the subject. this applies to any subject for me.

and Mum and Dad ordered a recliner chair for me, to put my Recliner Support System (from Special Tomato) on. when the chair comes they will set it all up, then at some point i will try it. but i will learn from my mistakes with speaking too soon on AFOs, and wait a while until i process, then update on that.

i think i am getting very very gradually slower. definitely having more semi-stuck moments where i can still move my body but can't transition task - or can't even know what i am supposed to do next. it is taking me longer and longer each toilet trip, i get stuck sitting on the toilet and between each step. it is affecting all my movements, but i try not to compare the walking part too much since there is other factors in that.

i want to write much more about regression and (highly suspected) catatonia stuff. i have a lot to say.

more mood stuff like getting easily "worked up" and aggression, and more getting close to meltdown easily, more hit self without control when i get only a tiny bit upset. but that is also part of ME/CFS crash for me, so i will not judge that until i have longer time to compare it.

also mentally everything is just hard. (which is also partial explanation for the quick aggression and mood shit). i "clock out" or "shut off" most of the time, because i simply don't have the time, ability, energy, to even think about everything that is happening/has happened to me. whether due to health shit, past trauma, regression/decline... it is all too much. brain loud. and loud = takes more energy. so, i can't.

this post seems overall quite negative, i think. but that is just my mental place recently. it is not always quite this bad internally for me. but when it is bad, i can't pull myself out of it, i don't have that ability, i can't regulate like that. only suppress and ignore and avoid, in hopes of avoiding meltdowns. my only hope is swing swing swing, music, watch things, and shut off clock out brain. don't let myself think or feel or remember the reality. just live in the safe parts of my brain's inside world.

hopefully i will have more positive feeling soon, and maybe happier things to share. although it is important for me to share the shit stuff too, it gets out of my brain a bit this way, relieve some pressure. i just wish i could get more out (of past things and memories, mostly. that is what makes the most noise in my head).

at least i have sensory galaxy light projector, Downton Abbey, sudoku, and safe music playlist (called "fills brain just right"). 💚

[renticat]

𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖

I said it's conditional yeah it's true but in the videos I said it in wrong context when I should said it's never unconditional. You know the love from narc parents are very much conditional but also, when you're trying your best to met all the conditions somehow there's always another new conditions so it's never ending trying to please the impossible and I am not lying.

It's exhausting, me and my shit now. Cheer up please well I AM FOR 5 MIN when I was really going too deep.on my daydreaming, roleplaying with my imaginary partner then my mind snapped out telling what life is really about surviving but how when I just don't want to survive anymore because I am so tired and feel trapped with no way out? And damn reality can't even let me daydream in peace anymore because she said I am too old now for that.

𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖. Seriously though someone ever said the first sentence to me and he didn't assume that I've ever tried it but it's too hurtful and scary also back then I am still trying searching for the good but now here I am again trying to make sense everything that is really making no sense for the hope maybe one day it surely get better. But when?

It's better when I am in denial and just deny all this reality as some sort of nightmares and you know talk myself something really nice and perhaps make love to myself just so when reality hits again, I know it wasn't never real. The talk is gonna be okay, is really just a talk for me now. And I hate people who hate me for my truth like they're always saying please be smile and just don't think about sadness, gosh I mean if you're living in entire different planet than me it's okay but don't tell me what to feel. Or are these people also in denial of their own life and can't bear to see someone being so cynical (honest) about this dark triad outlook of life?

Nature is not always pretty things like flowers and butterflies but also prey and the predators. It's sad and happiness side by side but ofc I admit there's maybe too much black than pink on me but it's because I'd like to keep the pink for myself as I have only too little of it. Why black associated with sadness though? Yeah it's like that because it's just is and people never really asking why. Because it's dark but then shiny things like stars looks best when the sky is so dark and that's what we were, I am the dark sky and you're like dancing stars on my eyes, talking about whatever things you like while you still adoring me or probably it was just you take pity on me.

Well you don't have to. You know I am not always dark sky, sometimes I turn into this golden sky, orangey ones is just the cycle is like north pole, too many dark nights compare to the sunny ones but yet there is.

But people pushes themselves so hard to only display and appreciate the sunny days and have the inclination to dismiss about dark days when it's not actually that bad if you have someone by your side as your guiding star but then, not everyone is lucky like that. And certainly not me right now.

find another star then, star dies too you know but also the older the sky, the more and more they becomes so tired of hearing the same lies from the stars. There's too many of them and because they're so pretty mostly it's just becoming boring and unbearable as they would not tell you when the sparks will be gone, it's just gone in an instant and the sky wasn't prepared to just move on to another stars then it's just gonna be lonely night and sometimes sunny days of enlightenment but you know the sun is not the stars is just like warm imaginary little child that everyone had in their head, your own sparks so it's great but sometimes you longing still for the beautiful stars as they give you some kind of sparks you can't produce it on your own.

It's beautiful but also painful.

[ilovetheseattlemariners]

Need to write, but hate it

I guess I should start with yesterday, which was its own big thing. Got on campus, instantly realized how miserable I was. Walked by my bandmate and knew that they'd have weed on them, but I continued walking to class. And then 180-ed right at the door of my lecture and walked back and took as many blinkers as my lungs could physically take. I have a hard time swallowing shit as of writing this 24 hrs later. I was just depressed. I think its because I love the cellist too much. I think also that I love my childhood best friend too much. I think its because I'm in so much need for love and its spilling out of me and it feels like I've just been eviscerated and I'm trying to stuff my intestines back inside of me. I just need some sort of romance in any possible way.

Anyways hit up the music building thinking that I was wanting to find this twink who I honestly have huge chances of homewrecking but in reality I just wanted to be with the cellist. But I think I fumbled it because I was so affectionate to the twink and honestly I told myself I was over the cellist because she can't give me what I want. My childhood friend probably can't give me what I want either. I just want to be perceived primarily. I can only exist if it's in your eyes. I think that's terrible and toxic. I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be thought of constantly. I want someone to go to used bookstores with. I want to be writing while you practice the cello. I want to be with you. Anyways I began getting so affectionate with the twink which honestly probably was the worst red flag thing imaginable. Like she walked away without even saying goodbye and then ended up spilling her guts over the same trumpeter I like the next instance I saw her. I don't think we like each other anymore. I mean, I'll get down bad for anyone, but I don't think we like each other anymore. I spilled my guts over him too, though, and I also spilled my guts over this childhood friend this morning. I think just having feelings is so embarrassing. I don't think this cellist likes me, but she's been perceiving me so much since then and I realize that all I need is just to be perceived to fall in love. Like she asked me how I was today and I felt capable of dying a thousand deaths, because I was filled with the feeling that I would either be brought to the most paradisiacal afterlife or that I would never really die: love would immortalize us.

I had a gig last night too which was fun. Almost no one showed up. I mean it was bizarre. It was switching through contradictory feelings in the blink of an eye.

Here's a vid from that. I literally captioned it "I wanna go home" on my CF. Cuz its true, I did wanna go home. Some parts of this scene I really can't stand. I'm not social or extroverted enough for it. I'd like to spend my nights reading or writing or something of that sort; I did try to find some corner to hunker down in so I could get some reading and writing done, but to no avail. But also people love the music so much and I love my bandmates so much. Also fuck transiting late. Also fuck rogers for having fucked up signal last night for no reason. And fuck my parents like god I need to move out so bad. I can't stand them any longer living with them is so annoying and terrible. I'll end my bratty rant there.

Speaking of writing, though, I just feel so insipid and uninspired. I don't want to do any writing any longer. My short story is looking to be an incomprehensible piece of crap that has no chance of following the rubric outlined for me, but honestly who cares I fucking think that class is the biggest waste of my time to ever exist. And also poetry for intro 200 which I still don't know what I'm doing for that class and, again, don't care at all. I'll just write something so absolutely distant to me that I'll find absolutely repulsive just to get it over with.

Pretty night sky. Let's share these things with each other more often. The thought of love is beginning to make me cry uncontrollably.

[tumbling-down-the-hall]

Melancholy

I've been in a weird place the past couple of days. (in reality its been like the last month or so but I have only been wanting to write a post for the past couple of days)

I don't want my relationship to be like my parents relationship but I think it is already like it in so many ways. but it is also like it's own relationship.

I talked with my mom the other day about resentment. My mom has been the one to provide for us for all of my life and i'm feeling like that a lot recently. That i'm the only one putting in effort and i'm the only one paying for things and while that is true in the moment that hasn't always been the case.

The beginning of our relationship he paid for most of it - but he was also making more than I was. Then we started living together and it was still heavily towards him but then he started pushing back so i started paying more.. but then things happened and i was the only one paying. I got a new position so i started making more and i was able to cover more. So i didn't try to complain about it because i knew that he had paid for a lot at the beginning but we hit the point where we were balanced or i guess in my mind we were. maybe we aren't. maybe we are askew again.

but then he lost his job. and it felt like he was taking advantage of the situation. Yeah he was applying to jobs but it was still a rough time for both of us. Even though it was only for a month it was still rough on both of us. We got into a couple of bad fights, one was after drinking at the bar - we both had the same amount of drinks (or close to it) and we got home. idk what led to the conversation but we ended up talking in the bathroom and he tried making a move and i didnt like that because i was not in the mood to have (but i'm "never" in the mood because #ace/demi/whateveryou want to call it that isnt hetero) and I was sitting on the bath tub and he jokingly (which didnt feel jokingly to me -obviously) pushed me with his foot - i lashed out because i was irritated and we ended up fighting over the bathtub and he was like you are so abusive you don't bite me like that in sex - that would be so hot but no you use violence and I constantly have to be like I use violence because you don't listen otherwise. He doesn't listen when I say stop or No (not in sexual things but outside of that) and so i get physical because that stops him.

A couple days later he was on top of me (both clothed) and he was tickling and i said stop it and he wouldnt and he was just being annoying so i was gonna reach up and pinch his nose to be equally annoying... well my hand slipped or i miscalculated or something and i ended up hitting his lip with my thumb. He got off me called me an "abusive cunt" and slammed the office door and then threw something at the door (i was going to immediately kick him out if i found out it was the cat.... it wasn't but still)

He later apologized for calling me that and said he acted out of anger but I was like do you really want to be with somebody who you see as "an abusive cunt" because thats a hard line that you crossed. (he didnt know it was a hard line... like how the fuck is that not? Yeah you call me names but cunt is not one of them) Do you really want to be in that relationship? He has been sleeping in the office since then.... (it doesnt help that his new job his hours are 12-8:30 ) After that i think he realized how fucked up our situation has been. And he has been working on it... or at least i think he has. He realized that i wanted to be done with the relationship.... like very done. He was like we should do something this weekend together and then followed it up with because maybe we can fix the cracks and not have you leave.

I then got sick when we were supposed to go to an Oktoberfest. and then he missed 4 days at work. One night when i was coughing he came in the bedroom and scared the shit outta me... (i coughed in my sleep and he asked if i was okay... i wasnt) and was like i dont want to be a meat cutter anymore.. but ive been doing this for years how do i change? everything is entry level and doesnt pay enough... (in having conversations with coworkers i'm realizing how lucky I got moving up to CHQ.... I'm comfortable and able to cover if he has issues covering his portion... it means i can't save like i would otherwise... but still i can be fine)

His hours suck but he is at least making money. We haven't had any substantial conversations since the two fights. we have gone out and done things but we dont touch. not really. its been 2 weeks since we have kissed, held hands or any of that. It's so isolating to have this happen. i have my cat but she also favors him. :( I was kicking her out of the office (she is a minion of chaos) and he held his hand out this morning... so i held it for a little bit because i didnt know what he wanted.

We went out to a friends going away party. (I was still sick) and he didn't get a beer.. nor did he want any. he just wanted food. which was fair. It had been a long day lol. but i think there has finally been a connection made about how i feel about drinking and his BS. He knows he has a problem and he is wanting my help with it. He will drink on his weekends and if he comes home with beer he has told me that i am allowed to hid it. He drank saturday night (because 1 i gave him $$ back from what he gave me because it was $20 i didnt care and 2 then he also found a 20 in the wash...) I was upset. I was like oh cool i see where your priorities lie. You come into money and immediately get beer. His response was I want to go to bed at a reasonable time not when you are getting up for the day and have you think i'm an idiot. even with drinking he didnt go to bed until almost 5 am.... Alcohol supposedly lets him sleep earlier.... but thats not true... i have so many photos where he fell asleep in his chair.

I have chatted with one person about most of this (some of this has been chatted with to other people...) but she was like it sounds like you are already checked out of the relationship and i thought on that and honestly it does. I both am and am not. It has been 3 years with him... but this year has been eye opening. Mostly because of said friend getting engaged. It has opened my eyes about what i am seeing in my own life and my own relationship.

Yeah i have been comparing my relationship to theirs. (we arent the same but we are. But we arent. Its weird. ) But thinking of everything that they are working on in regards to their wedding is making me think of how lonely i really am. Gamer doesnt care about anything enough to make a decision so most of it would be left to me. I would be doing everything alone. and that is overwhelming.

I still dont know if i really want to get married. I dont know if i trust him enough for that. My mom already advised me not to combine our assets and that we should have a joint account but not to give him access to mine. I am not engaged to him but like their engagement made me think about the long term and what do i want. I want him to care about the little things. I want him to do little things. I want handwritten notes or a long paragraph on the days that i have something big happening. He did kinda that at the beginning but he stopped and i told him that i wanted that but that i needed to give him time and let him figure out when to send those messages and stop bugging him for them because if he sent them then it would only be in response to me asking him and not genuine.

My love languages are words and actions. His is touch. Neither of us are happy in this because i am not a touchy person and he isnt a wordy person...

I know he does little things for me but he also doesnt.

Is my relationship worth saving? Is this the relationship i want to be in for the rest of my life? I dont know what the answer is to that. I need to stop complaining so much about everything that is going on.

I need to stop complaining to the one person who understands the most. The one person who knows him because she lived with him at one point. Because she is his brothers fiancee. I feel like i only tell her of the bad things... not the good. I only see the bad and i dont talk about the good. I dont talk about the fun times we have together.

About the time we carved pumpkins and mine looked derpy for absolutely no reason. About the times we have gone hiking together (not often... we need to go more) about our adventures to the coast. It doesnt feel like we have done anything together this year because i have been sick or he has been sick. We didnt celebrate our 3 year in january because i was sick. we didnt do anything for his birthday because i left to go to a wedding, we didnt do anything for my birthday because he didnt have it off. 27 is for cleaning house... does this mean...?

My parents dont show affection at all... The only time i can remember them showing affection in front of me was for photos.... they dont even hold hands when going about. My mother paid for her engagement ring. My dad proposed with his running shoes (showing her he wasnt going to run away... it is a cute story) I dont want to pay for everything. I want this to be a partnership. If he doesnt pay as much can he contribute in other ways, but he brought up that i dont ever cook for us and he wants me to cook more...

I dont know what i want anymore....

[split-regardless]

I don't believe in God, but I keep finding myself on my knees with my eyes closed, neck deep in the waves of shit I feel like I got myself into ,,, (again)

my heart is throbbing so fast it's trying to push out the blades and I only downed a 1/6 bottle of Malibu and I've thrown up all over the place already.

The hardest part of this is that I really loved them. They aren't ready for a relationship. Everyone says that. My brain wants to believe they're not everyone and that I should have a seed of hope. Shit, they're 20, I'm not much older - we're both pretty young - and we're both also severely mentally ill. Talk about bad timing.

i learned a lot about who I am having this connection in my life, and I feel like I ruined it. They weren't ready for a relationship the entire time & they have to figure themselves out. I've also used them as a crutch to cope with the amount of times I've been kicked down and I used that as an excuse to stay down. This resulted in me becoming codependent and trapped in cycles. I get it. They're 20 and mentally ill. And I'm not getting back up. They should be breaking up with me and I'm in no place to stop them.

"I think it's important that we still change our names together"

(they're trans and I'm breaking generational trauma and trying to establish who I am - don't worry, it's not the same last name, we're not that crazy)

"I think another thing is that we should still stick with getting out of this town 08/2026. I don't care if we're together or not."

After I immediately rejected the idea(s) out of fear that any connection moving forward would put me on a chain and I'd be a dog begging for any bone that could be thrown my way. This proposition only sounds like suffering. It only has been in the past.

But they're right, we have to let this go to stop this suffering for both of us. These cycles have to end.

Their proposition, them offering their hand, a hug, to take out my trash still. I immediately regretted my rejection, but they put their hand on my shoulder and my brain derealized and felt relief because I forgot this was happening. This rejection hit hard, and facing this reality hits harder. Being somewhere where I completely forgot this was happening just to be thrown back in is traumatizing in itself. I didn't pull away to hurt them, but I still regretted it.

Theyre not doing this because they don't care. I was blinded by immediate abandonment, and later realized that these two things are opportunities. Seeds. Not chains.

If I'm already suffering, what's the harm in carrying around a little seed in my pocket? It doesn't have to mean anything. It shouldn't mean anything. I can't make it everything. I've made it everything in the past, and that's why my brain only sees this opportunity as a chain. I put too much of my worth and value into the duds of the past - and those were chains. It became heavy & I hung myself with it over and over because I always let it have too much power over me.

But what if, this time, it can stay light as a seed. Still - that doesn't make finding hope in this situation any easier, but what choice do I have?

I am beyond hurt with this separation - but despite the pain, I can see on my knees that in order to honor the love we shared, I should still consider carrying this seed. In fact, I feel fierce loyalty and I want to carry this seed, even if it is ,,, and could be ,, for nothing. I do it for me, for them, for the us we were and for the us that could be. It's the only thing I can do when there's nothing left and make it mean something.

I hope that one day I make carrying this seed look and feel easy. It will never get easier if I assign meaning to it. This seed is just a seed. It isn't hope, it isn't failure. It's a seed and nothing more. It doesn't determine my worth or their love for me.

With the bag of duds I carry throughout my experiences, I can't help but feel crushed that this was chalked up to be another "someday", but I want to believe that this was more than that.

<><><><><>

I loved them more than anyone in the past. These cycles of idealization/devaluation that are triggered by my severe untreated BPD symptoms exhausted the both of us - and we are left with shards of who we are individually and who we are together. I can't help but sit here with them lodged in my heart and not feel guilty that this happened again. I can't help but really feel like it was me and I'm unfixable and unlovable - and that I deserve this. Especially if they don't come back. But I can't think about that. I've been in a shame spiral for a long time now and I already felt this way, this isn't on them.

Even stewing in my self hatred - I can see that even if they don't come back - I'm going to treat this seed with kindness and not ask anything of it. It's a token of our love & that's good enough for me because it wasn't for nothing.

<><><><><>

I'm here on my knees because I'm either going to kill myself or get back up. Both of them seem impossible until you inevitably weigh the two and then the stupid fucker in the back of your brain pushes intrusive thoughts towards the front and it makes suicide look like candy to a child who's only known diet food. Probably a bad example, but fuck. I don't want to admit to anybody that I don't see a way out because I don't want to be hospitalized without it being my choice - again.

<><><><><>

.... so because I don't want to admit I want to kill myself (so my choices don't get taken away) mixed with me actually not wanting to do it (kind of), the only choice is to get back up. Girl math or some shit.

I haven't been able to see my future to the point where I've bought agendas and work books and the lot to try to convince myself that there's a way out. The future has been dark for a long time and I'm running out of resources, options & time to get back up. The walls are closing in and it feels inescapable.

"nothing matters" .... BOOOO 👎👎👎 , bad take. thats the choice that sends you to the casket. plus your funeral would suck, your mom would talk about herself the whole time & I can't let her have the last word on who I am. She never even bothered to know who I was.

"Nothing matters! (:" .... the better option out of the two - because if nothing matters - you have nothing left to lose so why not try again.

But it's funny that there's even the illusion of having a choice here. There isn't one. Either you let "it" win and you die, and then make no future choices - or you get back up and shit your pants facing the unknown.

Soooo no choices or shit your pants? yeah, take one for the team and shit your pants, idiot (@ me)

<><><><><>

With this complete and utter hopelessness, I don't feel like I have the energy to even walk again. I get close to (insert method of killing yourself), and I can't do it because I remember joy and how good it felt to run. To be good at something. To love and be loved, deeply. And to learn from it all.

That alone is a good place to put my hope & energy. Here soon, I won't even think about the seed in my jacket pocket because I'll be too busy running (WHILE shitting my pants) only for the person that I want to be and for the untapped joy that's to come.

Although it's still hot outside, now is the time to remember the feeling of apricity. I will carry on.

[rippeds0cks]

11/19/2023

These last days have been so atrociously bad. My family doesn't do anything but yell at me. Even though I moved back to offer a helping hand to them since they struggle to contain my little brother when I'm not around. He's an asshole too though. I'm either getting shit from him or my parents no matter what I do and it is exhausting. If I'm soft and patient I don't get taken seriously. If I am stern and patient I get yelled at by my parents cause they don't like me being stern. If I ever hit my little brother I'm screamed at for hitting him even though I don't hit him even a quarter as hard as I could. so I just end up letting my little brother hit me cause it doesn't hurt and I would rather just not hear them. Which is ironic cause they seem to forget that at his age and younger I had to take full-grown man punches and no one said anything or cared. Just kidding I know they don't forget, they just tell me it never happened and I'm dramatic. It's whatever. I just gotta get out of this house as soon as possible. I've almost entirely given up on helping my little brother. Nothing I do gets through to him and I'm tired of taking the hits on the chin and pushing forward. I'm exhausted just in general. This is something I've talked with my therapist about extensively but it's so tiring to exist in my body. I'm constantly in head-splitting pain and it has been progressively getting worse. My nerves are worse than ever before. It's not uncommon for my hands to just go static and I drop whatever I have. My eyes thankfully haven't gotten much worse lately but I did fuck up my ear recently. It has had something wrong with it for a while now ever since I was fighting in Japan and I got kneed in the right side of my head which made the eardrum pop. Which was chill I was fine with it but then just the other day I was blowing my nose really hard since I'm currently sick and I got a really sharp pain in my right ear and there was a loud ringing as well. Now that they've subsided it just sounds different than my left ear. it's slightly quieter but not that bad. Mostly just sucks cause when it's silent I can hear the blood going through it. That's all fine though I can deal with it. The thing that the worst is my lack of quality sleep. I can't get quality sleep no matter what. If I try sleeping raw I'll toss and turn for 8 hours and maybe in that 8 hours I'll get an hour of sleep broken up into 20-minute fragments. If I try sleeping with medication I pass out quickly but I have shitty quality sleep where Im having like 10 dreams a night and usually like 3 of them are PTSD so I wake up, 1 is a good dream but it lasts for what feels like an instant, and the other ~6 are just random shit that makes no sense. Not even to mention every time I wake up the blood in my body stops flowing to my arms or something cause they're always numb which I fix by shaking them till the blood flows again and I can move them. And all of this would be a cakewalk if I had something to be happy about or to come home to at the end of the day but my life is hollow. I say that I can handle it but in reality, it's breaking me down cause I have no relief. I can't even enjoy sleeping anymore. I can't kill myself no matter how much I want to because I have to make some use of my life by firefighting. So I'm just stuck in this limbo of having a shitty life but no relief. But I guess I deserve it. I've been a real piece of shit my whole life so it just means I'm laying in the bed I made.

[nini-and-her-heart]

d, you've been my friend for years. you knew about my past when u met me. this is why this hurts more than it should. because i trusted that you'd be better, smarter, and kinder than them. but now i am heavily debating if that is true. u knew of my past about being used, discarded, and replaced as if i am nothing. and yet, you did the exact same thing. the d that i knew would be the first one to tell me how much of a jerk the other guy was. and now, in this case, u are that 'other guy'. u got what u wanted from me and then u dipped the moment someone better came along. i know better than anyone how the world is inherently unfair. but i still can't stop beating myself up about it. bc how is that fair, d? how is it fair that i couldn't move on from what i've had w u but u are ready to move on to someone new it's because everything was one-sided, wasn't it? u didn't feel for me the way that i felt for u. and knowing u, you would be too prideful to admit that u messed up. bc u are obsessed ab being the good guy that u actually forget how to be a good guy. answer me this: u decided to go out w someone new to put a hard stop on whatever the 'thing' we had because u cannot control your urges around me thus u can't be a normal friend to me. but like, why can't u just control your urges AND also not insult and hurt me by dating someone new when u know i am still not over u? so it's either

a) u are using this new girl as a rebound or b) u never felt the same way as i did and u only pretended u did so that u could get sexual stuff w me either way, both are messed up but u wouldn't admit to that bc that would make u a 'bad guy' and u know what the crazy thing is? i would've forgiven u no matter what because i would put our friendship above everything BUT ONLY IF u at least have the decency to give me the truth! i cannot move on because i feel like i don't deserve the truth! u know how much it means to be to be told the truth no matter how painful it is because that is better than being lied to. sure, u might think that u were honest w me by admitting that u are going out w someone but that is not the entire truth. i needed the ENTIRE TRUTH. i need to hear it from u so that for once, i have liked someone who doesn't lie to me. i thought u were better, d. the d that i knew from 2016-2022 would be calling out the d that i talked to awhile ago. but u couldn't do it. bc u know that would be admitting that u really never felt the same way for me. and that makes me feel like crap. that makes me feel even more unloveable and easily replaceable. i already felt that about me based on everyone's behavior towards me. i didn't need u to add on it further. ... and now what? i cannot be your friend like this because it hurts. but i also cannot lose u. i can't take another loss this year. i have lost so much already. do u remember that period where we removed each other on every platform and we weren't speaking? i don't want to have to go through that again. you mean so much to me even w/o the romance and the intimacy. but i feel like i am left w no choice bc everything that reminds me of u hurts like a motherf*cker. i keep getting images of u w her and it makes me sick to the stomach. i wanna cry. i wanna throw up. i couldn't eat, sleep, or even function. i don't wanna leave my bed bc being covered in a blanket is the safest place i feel like i have. everything around me feels like it can hurt me because it feels like u cut me open. AND IT HURTS THAT IT FEELS LIKE U DON'T CARE. bc u can go around and be normal while this is happening to me. again, the world is unfair and nobody and nothing owes me shit. but come on. do i not mean anything to u? if not as a potential lover, maybe even just as a friend? as someone who's been w u for many years? someone who listened to u vent ab your family, friends, work, and other things? do i not deserve time to grieve for u before u hit me in the face w the reality that our lives are just completely different? i need answers but i feel like i'm just in denial bc i already know the answer i just refuse to believe it bc i want u to say it to me yourself. i deserve that. i hate the fact that the only person that can help me and comfort me rn is the same person who inflicted this pain to me. oh, and that's another thing! the last time we talked prior to today, u were giving me comforting words like, "u are a strong girl, u got this!" as if u didn't put me in this place to begin with! what the heck was that about? i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i haven't stopped crying for days now. i should be better at this but why does it feel this specific one is something that would wound me forever? i need YOU. i need you as my friend. i have other stuff i'm dealing w on top of our problem but i can't come to u about it because it hurts. i want what's best for u and what would make u happy. i want u to get everything you've ever dreamed of. as your friend. .. but i'm sorry if i cannot help but feel bitter about it. u made me feel like liking u was one of the best choices i've ever done when it comes to picking guys. but why does it feel like i still made the same old mistake no matter how much thinking and work i've done about this? why?

[kagejima]

I am 26 and I feel like I wasted my life. I never had friends. I was always forced to focus on studies and nothing else until I was 25 and finished school like my parents wanted. I never had any worth remembering moments. Never had hobbies and struggled really bad with my mental illness. And now everytime I remember my age I'm being hit with the feeling of dread. I try to look at my life and I can barely remember anything because all my days have been the same. There is no memory that stands out. Sleep, study, eat, cry, repeat. I have been only surviving and never living and I am so angry. It's so unfair. And now I don't know how to live my life, I don't know how to make friends, I am not interested in anything, I feel numb. I've been going to therapy but it doesn't seem to work at all. Times is moving so fast for me and I'm only sleeping, eating and working.

I'm sorry if I shared too much.

Hi anon! Don't feel sorry for sharing too much - I completely understand where you're coming from.

I am the oldest child and only daughter in my family, and my religious parents treated me pretty similarly. I was raised in a way to be "the perfect preacher's wife" (whether they will admit it to me or not), so when I met my now fiancé in 2012, I had derailed their entire plan for my life when I moved out from them and we moved in together after 10 months together.

And for a small chunk of time, I had believed it too that I had derailed my life as well by following my heart. I felt off.

When in reality? Nothing was off. I had believed this lie of "You have to follow this exact plan for happiness and if you don't reach it by the time you're 25? You're fucked." and OHMYGOD I wish I could take that fear from people, I really wish I could. People that say things like that say them because they want to make people who actually have their lives ahead of them - actually have potential to achieve their dreams - not achieve their dreams at all. Keep them down with them. They hate themselves because they had kids before they were ready to bc they thought That Was Right to have 3 kids before they turned 24 or something similar.

What I'm trying to say is that what you are feeling is a totally normal way to feel in your 20s. I struggled my entire 20s not knowing what I wanted to do with my life - I bounced around career paths so hard like I was a fucking pinball. But to me, the 20s are all about finding yourself and figuring out what you don't like and what you do like - so in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, you actually know what you want to do with them. And sometimes even then you change!! Life is all about evolving, about growing!! That's the beauty of it. We are never like Our Full Best Selves and anyone who is telling you they are is absolutely full of shit - do not believe them.

Anyways, I hope this made sense. Sorry, I'm terrible at advice fjejfjme. I just wanted to say what you're feeling is completely normal and please don't be disheartened. You are doing just fine. 💖