#real if you can't handle me at my blank you don't deserve me at my blank & it's just horrifying to goth fem adjacent

[r0semultiverse]

My ideal gender presentation is a changeling that looks terrifying by default & makes people scream "what the fuck is that?" but without being able to hate crime me or even hurt me because I'm too strong & cooler than them.

[golbrocklovely]

one last thing for the night about the elton and corey drama

assuming that all elton claimed was true, i do feel bad for him. bc i know what it's like for your kindness to end up being used against you, especially in a financial way.

however….

this full grown man is exactly that, a full grown adult man. he should have had enough wherewithal to know he was being used and to stop corey from getting as far as he did. not only that, but i can't understand doing as much work as elton claims he was doing, and corey doing none whatsoever (even less than none sometimes) and yet… somehow paying him still. even when he would flake out, he still paid him. at that point, you should have put your foot down and said "look, if you want to be paid, you have to be here the whole time." or "you have to show up, plus do x, y, and z, and then i'll pay you completely." i think his main issue is his lack of communication and then getting upset when things don't work out.

not only that, but if corey was such a shit talker, which i don't doubt - i think it's wrong to make it seem like he's the sole reason elton did all the shit he did way back in 2021/22 to snc. look, i don't doubt that corey being in elton's ear telling him that snc were talking smack (allegedly) would have caused elton to do all the things he did, however he needs to start taking accountability for it. bc it wasn't just the occasional snide comment, it went on for MONTHS. literally over a year of him constantly being mean to snc and claiming they were copying him/tfil when that just wasn't the case, among many other things. elton previously blamed it on the fans for egging it on back when they all did that one video together, and now he's changing his tune to say "no corey made me think this way". no, my guy: you thought this way. point blank period. no one told you to be petty or to be a terrible fucking communicator and not reach out to the ppl you claimed to be friends with for years. if you had issues, regardless of if they were real or not, you should have reached out privately. but instead you went public with it and stirred the pot for years, and then the fandom eventually retaliated in a worse way (which he didn't deserve bc obviously no one deserves that level of vitriol thrown their way).

this is all very messy and again should have been handled privately. but it's too late for that now and i wonder how things are gonna play out.

also i don't take pride in being right about corey or elton, but it is nice to know that all the shit i got thrown my way for feeling the way i did is now somewhat justified lol

[textualviolence]

um what else am i currently or have ever been ashamed of or felt pressure to disavow ummm...

i liked good omens both seasons. Writing on season two couldve been better but those two actors have good chemistry & comedic timing its entertaining to watch them on screen and the little cringe love story did tug at my heartstrings a little like i do care what happens to them.

I was also very much a bbc sherlock fan during the peak of tjlc and i believed in it with all my heart and when the last episode of s4 came out i was in denial for 4 months and then i pretended id never heard of the show in my life for the following few years...hbomberguy made a whole video calling me a stupid idot loser for falling for it and it felt like a knife to the heart. & you know what i rewatched it recently with a lightened soul & no karmic debt & now recognize the pain behind the vitriol cause he was clearly also a disappointed fan though i could not see that at the time. maybe not tjlc who's to say but he loved bbc sherlock & hated himself for that once the last episode came out and we all realised it was bad its pretty obvious in the way he talks about steven moffat like an ex-lover who betrayed him. But i think its not even bad i still like it ill rewatch it and have a good time,

and yes i am a johnlock shipper. those ugly british men have a handle on my psyché though with the shifting tides im feeling like i would enjoy a wider range of pairings and themes from that show. I am generally very susceptible to outside influence when it comes to these things its part of why i find it hard to ignore when the trends oscillate wildly between loving something absolutely and hating it with a passion i find it very tiring because i feel it in my heart as if the urge came from the inside...sometimes something is just okay and its okay to like it an average amount without having to wildly overcorrect to atone for having liked it more than it deserved. maybe i was too intense about bbc sherlock and got my heart broken even though it was obvious i was projecting something that was not there on a cryptic blank screen, and so it is mostly my own fault but i don't have to hate myself for it either its all fine.

Loving something a little too much and being heartbroken when you realise it wasn't actually what you thought is painful but its part of life its not something to bury into the earth its fine....and im uncool to the extreme ive never been cool not once in my life im sort of embarrassing in most of the things i do and say and thats okay too i don't have to change because i can't anyways and besides its not hurting anyone. I'm literally a theater kid and theres something very freeing about being in the middle of a gaggle of nerds well sort of like being a tumblr blogger but the two balance each other out. I can't be cool on here because im a theater kid to my core in real life in the hamilton fan sort of way and i can't be cool in really life because im literally a tumblrina of the superwholock variety and in both there is a kind of peace and relief knowing that i will never have to be cool and am always lamer than most people around me at least in my heart of hearts...

[sk-lumen]

Hi 💖 I hope you are doing well 💕 I found your blog recently after ending an 'almost relationship' thing. Your posts have help me a lot! But there are days where I still struggle with my feelings thinking maybe I didn't make the right decision. He ...he was gaslighting me and there were times when he made me feel stupid and worthless but for some reason I found myself missing him on times. I keep trying to remind myself about the things he did to me. I also found out a few days ago (I stalked his Twitter, I know I'm stupid) he still misses and loves his ex :'( all the time he was with me he was thinking of his ex and it makes me feel sick. I really really like him despite his mistreatment towards me and with the horrible things he told me when I told him a romantic relationship was out of the picture for now. I don't know how to get rid of these feelings. I don't know how to stop missing him. Do you have any advice?

Hi dear,

It's normal to miss someone that you've had a connection with, even if there was mistreatment. It's human. You can't just erase all the good moments with a sponge.

Why you still miss them:

You're trauma bonded. The mistreatment has taken your emotions on a rollercoaster and you're no longer able to think clearly and objectively. Gaslighting especially can really distort your perception of reality and trust in yourself (because the person you love is essentially making you think you're crazy, no wonder).

Their mistreatment has messed up your nervous system regulation, hormones and mental health (this is actually real). Now out of reflex you're running to him, to find healing/resolution in their arms. Right now, you need to heal it yourself, reclaim your power and find safety in your own self.

There's still some feelings left, which is ok. They will fade with time.

However, that doesn't mean you need to get back to them. You don't need to act on the feelings, you just need to acknowledge and release them.

Here's what you should do next:

No contact. Delete him from your social media, remove any bookmarks, forget his handles, delete messages and photos, block him if necessary. I know it's hard and painful! But you can either choose your own healing & mental health, or you can choose stalking him and his ex. You can't do both honey, I guarantee it.

Write a list of all the negative things he did, and how terrible it made you feel. Do this only once, really remember how toxic he was.

Write a letter to yourself as a promise to choose better, validate yourself with positive affirmations and all the great things you deserve.

Whenever you have doubts, start hoping or fantasizing again, just read the list & letter again. You'll get the ick and think clearly again, trust me.

What helps when you start spiralling:

It's normal to have bad days, and good days as you start healing from him and moving on.

To release anger, do some intensive activities like gym, jogging or painting, etc.

To process sadness, talk to a friend, journal, or listen to some music that just absorbs & releases your pain.

If you're feeling numb/blank or depressed, just be patient with yourself and focus on basics. Rest, sleep, eat right, hold your heart close and take it one day at a time.

Hope this helps. It gets better, I promise. 💖

-L.

[becausegraf]

Okkkk so I just want to thank you for your ZJ posts and your insight because I, too, relate, and I've been VERY angry about it...and reading your posts genuinely helped me and made me go "...oh" and...be less...resentful? Bitter? Just a little... So thank you, truly, and I hope you find all the peace and happiness you need.

Thank you for this message, anon. I hope it's okay I share it here and give my thoughts, because it certainly got me pondering for a bit. For a while. MaNy WoRDs AleRt

There is something very comforting in people's ability to resonate with fiction, and how through it, we're able to discover and share things with each other, and maybe even not feel so alone and isolated with our woes and joys.

In fiction I found a treasure trove of experiences, jewels and shinies to keep with me even if in 'reality' I wasn't finding much comfort. Diving deep into stories and exploring characters and their world has been something I've found a lot of fulfillment in for as long as I can remember, and I'm proud and grateful to feel like I'm part of the collection of people from all over the world and all throughout history that simply have a passion for sharing stories.

Our real experiences, the emotions we get to feel per proxy through fiction, and the processing and learning that happens when you put it all together is a fascinating alchemy.

It's a little funny in this bittersweet way that I felt immediately curious about Zoraal Ja, and I couldn't but feel compelled to fill in the blanks because it felt just... incorrect, unfair, an oversimplification to leave his story summary as ending on 'whoah, dude sure went craycray, guess he was just a bad egg'. And then a week of pondering later, it clicked. 'Oh...' indeed.

Anger is an 'ugly' emotion that tends to earn scorn in turn, a frown inviting a frown, when other kinds of expressions of suffering are often received with a little more compassion or patience. A character showing fear and uncertainty, grief and depression, seems easier for people to connect to emotionally, as a crude pattern. It's 'approachable'. The same seems to apply to real people.

Frustration, resentment, confusion that furiously demands an explanation, defensiveness that does not ask for space politely but puts up its barbs...

In my experience, it's very easy to end up being painted as 'the bad guy', even if you're just reacting to pain that is caused by others, and all you really want is for things to stop tormenting you.

Anger often gets people to mistakenly assume you can't be hurt, that you don't deserve to be handled with consideration and care in the same way as someone who expresses their hurt as sadness, anxiety, exhausted helplessness. It gets people to assume you're untrustworthy, antisocial, unempathetic. An enemy, a problem, an ego to take down a peg or two.

It's easy enough to start believing that about yourself, too. That your anger is strength, proof that you don't need anything from others. That unlike those that cave in and run for comfort and beg for mercy, you have dignity, you can do it alone, you can endure what they crack under, you are Resilient.

When you're really just suffocating in a bell of isolation, without a mirror to see yourself clearly in, and it's all distorted and it's up to us to help ourselves, and we should be capable of it, we should overcome our own weakness, we should, should, should...

Zoraal Ja keeping people at arm's length? Good lord, I don't need to have anything spelled out to me to *recognize* this phenomenon, this invisible bear trap you can be caught in and if you dare to squeak in pain, all you'll get is people blaming you for being stuck in it in the first place. Like you deserve it, like you could've known better, like you could maybe first try being a little nicer to people, a little more... grovel-y.

The unfairness of it is *maddening*, and it can be so difficult to talk about because showing people these sharp and pointy feelings and letting out the storm of confusion often gets you stunned silence at best.

'I trust only in myself'

Oh, Zoraal Ja, there's no need for that but holy pancakes mate, I get it, I get it so well. It sounds like an obvious absurdity if you look only at the surface layer, but such feelings exist in real people, and real experiences cause such self-defeating beliefs to take root and grow.

The people that should be protecting us, loving us, supporting us... They don't, somehow it looks like they just can't, like we're immune to their help. The fuck are we supposed to do about that, huh?

Why does it happen? Fuck if anyone can tell you. Seems like a you problem...?

If you get rebuked enough times, you just stop trying, you stop expecting it to be worth the drag of trying and failing to explain. You show people that 2+2 = 4 and they keep asking why it's not 5. Fine, be wrong, then, I'm done fishing for understanding. I don't know why I feel the way I do either, but being told 'well you're just emotions-ing all wrong' is useless as hell.

We're in pain, bear it with the most stoic face we can, and when we let people a little closer, they can hurt us more out of sheer lack of empathy, ignorance, missing the signs and having no clue how they're just doing the same things as everyone else that makes us want to slam the door and go back to sulking alone. 'Misunderstood' is an apt term here - people suck at 'reading' it, and what they think they see is not the truth. Ah, but then we're the ungrateful meanieface jerk, eh. 'Yo, I'm just trying to be nice, what is your damn problem'.

People making us feel like I'm some kind of inhuman construction with a forcefield that makes people draw all kinds of conclusions about us *other than the reality as we feel it*. That's the problem tyvm.

But sometimes, through fiction, we get to see ourselves reflected.

We find others who stared and went '...hi there, familiar face', too, and we get to pile up what we've learned along the way about what's going on here, and learn from each other that maybe our experience is hardly universal, but we're not alone, and we're as human with emotions that can be understood as everyone else.

Some kinds of understanding are just trickier to find, and I'm glad that the fruits of my obsessive digging and scratching and biting at the issue have yielded me some insights that stilled my confusion and allowed me to slowly let go of the agitation of having no clue what's going on.

Funny, huh, how 'understanding' really is a fundamental pillar of coping. Once you start seeing the telegraphs, find out where the tooltips have been hiding, and you turn off the dazzle of effects that obscure the source of danger, well...

Let's say I've become a little better at dancing my way through content over time, and it makes me happy to know that some of my tricks are helping someoneone else find their feet a little easier, too.

Stay cool, fren, we'll be alright.

[writerofcreativity]

Don't mind me. I just want the Akashi siblings to have a bittersweet ending, it's a ending that they should deserve than just a sad one. Just ignore this if you're not interested in reading.

Possible spoiler? If it comes true in the manga.

*

"Haru-nii..." Senju sniffles as tears begins to fall down from her eyes.

Both sides of Toman and Kanto Manji gang are now settling. Takemichi is facing off against Mikey. As of now, they can only watch.

Haruchiyo feels his sister's tears splashed his face since she is cuddling him. He wanted to push her away but he is suffering injuries that prevents him from doing that. "Would you shut up and stop crying? You don't have to put on the water works." He sighed.

"I can't." Senju sobs.

"We need to get you to a hospital Haru." Takeomi said, looking at injury that his little brother had received from a stab wound by Hanma.

I do think that Hanma would do that to him because he can be unpredictable from times.

Haruchiyo scoffs "and now you're not scolding me? I must be losing a lot of blood already to hear things." He muttered.

Takeomi had arrived to aid Toman with former Black Dragon members. They really helped turned the tide but they couldn't defeat Mikey, in fact can not do any real damage on him.

"Besides, this injury is a death mark. I don't have much time." Haruchiyo can feel his body weakened, slowly becoming numb.

"Please Haru-nii! I'm sorry! Don't die!" She yelled.

He raised his hand towards her weakly. "I told you to shut up." He repeated, wanting her to stay quiet.

Takeomi, Wakasa and Benkei had thought Haruchiyo will attack Senju but are surprised to see her gently touching her cheek and wipes away her tears coming from her right eye.

Haruchiyo remembers now about the times he had watched his little sister when they were little and Takeomi nor their parents were busy. He took care of her and handled her injuries. He hated it because he couldn't have any fun doing what kids his age want to do. Of course he blamed Takeomi for taking that away because he wasn't around to watch their sister. Haruchiyo will admit that there were times being with Senju brought him joy.

"Haru...please." Senju tries to stop crying but can not. Then she did not feel his hand as it falls to the ground.

"Stupid girl. You should at least hate me for hitting you with a pipe than my own fists. If you really know what I had done then you will stay the hell away from me. I would have been fine with just serving my King." He does not regret his actions.

"No!" Senju yelled "You're my brother and I will always love you even if it means going to fuckin' hell! I want us to live as a family again! Don't die Haruchiyo!" Fresh tears comes out of her eyes.

Haruchiyo's vision grew blurry. His body refuses to move any longer and his heart is beating slowly than normal. "You're so annoying. Here's a penny for your thoughts. Why don't you consider living your own life and fuckin' live a happy one instead of living with the guilt that you thought you caused." That is one wish he is asking instead of her fretting over him after his death. He looks at where his brother is standing "I wished that you didn't scold me too much. What would happen if you didn't? Would I be in a different situation?" He questioned.

"Haru." Takeomi can only say his name. He didn't know what to say.

Senju wants to talk to him to stay but feels a hand on her shoulder. She looked at the person who have their hand on her and see Takeomi.

"Senju. Haru left our world." He said with tears coming out of his eyes.

She looks back at her pink haired brother and saw that his eyes are now blank. Meaning that he passed on. "Haru-nii..." She brings him close and hugs his lifeless body.

Takeomi got on the ground and hugs both his siblings.

Despite the fight raging on, these two want to spend a bit more time with their younger/big brother before going back to aid Takemichi.

Sounds ooc for Haruchiyo but I want him to have this moment with his siblings.

[alliterative-albatross]

So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

~

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again. 

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise! 

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory. 

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs, 

~ Jay

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

I've tried to keep this as un-explicit as possible. I'm sorry, this is very personal; if you're unable to get through it I'd appreciate a post on the page to let me know (you could say 'pear' so I know it was for my post, maybe?).

I feel trapped in my horrible patterns of behaviour. I was sexually abused as a child. Now as a 21yo I can't get out of patterns of inviting people on the internet to threaten me, or doing online roleplays where they r*pe me. My rapist used to call me his 'little girl' despite the fact I'm male, and now I pose as a woman on forums and make myself sick reading all the things these people on the internet would do, all these people who think I deserved what happened to me as a kid.

I always feel so much worse after doing this, and the worst part is I have a long-term boyfriend. Years ago I told him about this habit and he was okay with it because I'd stopped but I've relapsed badly and I can't seem to stop. It feels like I'm forcing myself to stay in this box of objective dissociation so I don't have to think about what ACTUALLY happened to me, by fictionalizing it or worse engaging in the fantasy. It's sickening and I hate myself for it.

How do people like me break these patterns? How do I stop being broken by what happened to me, how do I stop doing it to myself?

Hello,

It sounds like your roleplaying is a form of self-harm. Putting yourself through roleplaying your abuse and engaging with people in abusive mindsets can give you the physiological responses of abuse which can make us feel more normal, and cause extreme physiological reactions which can act as a paradoxical soothing aspect like other forms of self-harm. Hearing people reinforce our abusive mindsets can also make us feel le horrible also feel correct which can make us feel all kinds of mixed up but also be addictive.

Self-harm recovery skills can be very helpful:

The first step is to look at what is pushing you to self-harm.

Look at:

What things tend to happen before you do the behaviour? Are their common external triggers?

what emotional state are you in before you trigger yourself? For example are you angry, empty, keyed up, anxious? Do you feel like you need a realise? Are you experiencing intrusive thoughts?

What physical sensation are you experiencing beforehand? Are you holding tension anywhere particular? Are you in physical pain? Are you already experiencing body memories?

What emotions are you feeling afterwards? Do you feel less empty? After the panic subsides are you actually calmer?

What physical sensation do you have afterwards?

Okay, now you can look for replacement actions that can handle the feelings without triggering yourself.

knowing outside triggers can help you avoid them if possible, and prepare for them ahead of time if that’s not possible.

If you recognize the emotional state the persists the actions you can try and work on bringing yourself down from this state first. Learn about coping skills to handle this feeling. (Coping skill suggestions: Anger, anxiety/stress , intrusive thoughts)

If you are feeling specific body sensations beforehand look at ways to help that. For muscle stress this might help, heating pads or light stretching might help. If you have a headache ice pack might help. If you are already having body memories this might help.

Now sometimes the emotion you are getting after the triggering is just as important as the emotion that was before. Now here you can look for a replacement action that brings you a similar emotional feeling that isn’t as harmful. This post gives some examples of replacement skills for self-harm. If something you find is you are looking to break an emotional blank, or you feel more “real” afterwards I could suggest finding emotional things (music, movies, books) that can still bring strong emotions.

If you have physical sensations you are seeking again it is good to find a replacement action. Sensory aids might help info about that here.

-

You don't have to stop cold turkey here, just finding a replacement behaviour slowly can be very important. When it comes to things like violent roleplay a replacement behaviour along with finding a somatic skill can be reading something erotic but maybe not as violent.

Working on healing overall relationship to sex can also be helpful (Coping Skills: Healing A Relationship With Sex After Sexual Abuse)

-

As for posing as a woman that doesn't make you bad in any way. It's a way of playing out your trauma and likely working through some trauma around your own gender self-perception (Not talking about gender dysphoria just that abuse can change how we see our sex and gender in relationship to sex). As you back off using it in harmful roleplay situations you can likely work through how you see and relate gender in relationship to how you engage in sexual situations.

-

There is nothing to feel bad about and nothing you need to hate about yourself.

It could be that you are objectifying yourself and disconnecting from your trauma. A lot of people use fiction to process trauma but it can be used as a dissociative mechanism as well as a way to re-traumatize ourselves if we run through our trauma in great detail, re-traumatization can feel normal. Making ourselves a sexual object that is divorced from our internal reality makes perfect sense as well it's easier if the trauma happened to that person over there than if it hurt the child we were at the time. There isn't anything broken or wrong about this, it's just maladaptive coping skills. Which is the best our brain and body could come up with and now we are unlearning this and learning new ones nothing shameful.

I think you need to move away from thinking you're forcing yourself to cope this way or pushing yourself to stay "broken". You're doing nothing to yourself, you're doing the best you can do. And you can heal from here! But nothing is fundamentally broken in you, your struggling and that's okay.

-

You can't really stop being hurt by what happened to you easily. There is nothing you can do to just make yourself better.

First, you don't have to frame it as broken, slowly moving towards viewing yourself as struggling but doing your best will change how you heal tremendously! Changing judgmental statements will help overall (Coping Skills: Ditching Value Statements)

Getting better at self-care can also help quite a bit. It can be very healing to slowly work to be in a better relationship with our physical selves. (Coping Skills Masterposts: Self-Care)

Learning better overall coping skills (Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation) can help manage many types of mental health struggles and I believe will be a lot of help in feeling safer and more in control of your elf and reactions to emotions.

Learning about trauma can be a good place to start as well. (Informational Article: Define Trauma, Informational Article: Being Our Whole Selves Brain & Body, Diagnosis Primer: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Long term healing takes time. Here are some things that I have found help many people start their healing journey:

You have to learn to cope with the above-mentioned skills.

Find ways to process your emotions (are and journaling for example). Get them out of your mind.

Try out some DBT worksheets a lot of those coping skills can be very helpful in emotion management

find relationships that are healing. This is super important we can not truly heal alone, we can go really far, but human connection is one of the most healing things in general

Learn ways to reparent if yourself if needed

Learn to talk to your inner child (We are working on some advice for this)

Working to find some sense of peace in your body (Movement therapies like yoga, other exercises, meditation etc).

If you have the ability to talk to a professional like a therapist

And many other things

I'm sorry I don't have a foolproof plan for total healing

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[shealwaysreads]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

so here I am👀. hope you won't mind me ramble, vent, rant.

Let me introduce myself first. I am 20 y/o college student.You can call me Zia if you want. I live in a joint family and everyone is fond of me and I of them. They love me a lot and I too love them with my whole heart. I have a few close friends who like blessing to me and I feel lucky to have them. But paat few days I dunno why ,but I am feeling sad, more like alone.

Though I haven't talked about it to anyone else because I myself am not sure what i am going through and also I donot want my family to worry about me . They themselves are going through their own battles and worries and I just can't burden them with my things which I know are just waste emotions. And all of my friends live far from here, I do talk to them everyday but virtual thing is not helping, I do not knowing how to ask ,how to start , I am just empty and blank when I try to find words. 

I spend most of my day sleeping and listening(which helps a lottt) to songs and a considerate amount of time with my family (pretending normal and happy )you know sometimes I hate that I have become so good at pretending things that even if someone asks me if I am okay , I with a very carefree atittude make them believe I am. And now I feel like I am stuck in a maze where I am confusing myself about what and how I feel. I want to cry but I don't have tears in my eyes and I feel so disgusted that maybe I am just over-reacting and making myself suffer. If I was actually hurting , I would've been able to cry ,right?

It is just eating me from inside. I am feeling so insecure (and about what?I don't know myself). I feel unloved (why the heck?? Everyone loves me). I wish someone could just read me or see through me and know what is this I am feeling and experiencing. I wish spmeone would make me feel good. At this point of time, I am hating myself a lot. I hate everything about myself. I know I should not do this. I should love myself and make me my first priority but I am not able to. I am so scared (I don't know why). 

Their is this feeling I am experiencing and It is not going away. I wish someone could just extract it from me and me feel free. I feel so empty. I am not able to pinpoint what is wrong with me.       

When I am surrounded by people I am all cheery, laughing,  making them laugh , teasing  and annoying them. But the moment I am alone this feeling shadows me that I wish to shrink myself so that nobody sees me and cry loudly and let all my emotions , feeling to be out and vanished.   

I don't know what it is and why is it and how to overcome it. I don't want anyone to pity me. I am a strong person and I know this because I have been through enough to confirm this. But everything is just going fine and smooth and here I am ,lost.   

I also want a hug .A real , a tight, a promising, a full of love hug. A hug which can mend whats wrong with me.    

And this situation is making me so distracted from my path. This point of life is very crucial for me. I have my life dependant on what and how I do things in these one and half year. And I here watering emotions which I don't even know are true or not.

I-idk.idk.idk

I don't know what i said is even making sense because to me it is not.

_

THANKS FOR READING. I am truly sorry if it disturbed you in any way.🥺

Hi Zia,

First off, let me say that I’m not a therapist or a psychologist—so feel free to take any and all of my advice with a pinch of salt.

Second—please don’t be distressed or disturbed that you’re going through a time with this kind of low mood or difficult feelings. It’s tough enough to be down, without also beating yourself up for it!

It sounds like there’s a few stressors going on in your life right now, being at college and the pressure of studying and achieving your goals and dreams, and having an emotional wobble that’s not the norm for you. Add to that the general awfulness of the last year? It’s a lot of stress, a lot of pressure, and not a lot of light moments to buoy you up.

Feeling this low, or insecure, can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter if you have a perfect life, or don’t feel like you’re ‘justified’ for the way you feel. Whether it’s a build-up of stress, or an imbalance in brain chemicals, or just 2020 catching up with you with a vengeance—what matters is that you’re feeling like shit, and you deserve to feel better.

I’ve been in therapy on and off for the last twenty years, so here’s my life-experience-only advice: talk to your family and your friends—they love you and they want to be there for you. Keeping these feeling a secret only makes them harder to handle, and your nearest and dearest know you best—reach out and explain how you’re feeling. You’ve articulated yourself really clearly to me, and I’m just a stranger, so you can definitely talk to someone you’re close to. Trust me on this, you’ll feel better once you’ve shared it with someone. They’ll be able to support you in your every day life, whether it’s wrapping you up in a big hug, or just asking how you are and listening when you tell them how it really is.

Once you’ve spoken to your family and/or friends, I’d suggest reaching out to your doc/finding a therapist—sometimes talking to a third party is the best thing. You can just vent, and have them listen and give advice, and honestly it works.

Also, as tempting as it is to sleep all day—it’s one of the classic signs of depression setting in, and it really only serves to perpetuate it by taking you out of synch with your family, knocking you out of a healthy diurnal pattern, and absenting you from your daily life and commitments. It’s isolating, and isolation is the last thing you need when you feel low—reaching out and connecting to your loved ones is the best possible step, and I’m sure they will reach back to you with open arms.

Tumblr has some mental health resources here but I really would say reaching out to someone you trust would be a good idea. I hope this period of feeling low passes soon, Zia, take care of yourself!

[marshmallowprotection]

Man, I love the Choi twins so freaking much, but when I truly imagine myself in the MC's place, I can't help but question my ability to handle some of the things they go through, especially in Saeran's route. I have ADHD, and from that RSD, which is basically when my brain goes, "Even if it wasn't actual criticism/rejection, here come the tears anyway!"

I honestly think I do a very good job and turning my ADHD into something positive; I make jokes out of the quirks that it comes with, and sometimes I don't even have to try, because things like bursts of rapid-fire questions only for me to answer them myself all within one breath tends to elicit laughter on its own.

But RSD, my emotional sensitivity, I hate it so much. I hate it; I hate crying in front of others. I don't even like it much on my own. I don't care how much people say my feelings are "valid" because sometimes they aren't! Sometimes it's really a stupid thing and yet the tears come anyways even though I don't deserve to cry over that, I don't need to, it's not something to cry over.

...I don't work well under pressure. Under time limits. I freeze up, my brain goes blank. I literally cannot think well until I'm calm, and staying calm can be very difficult. I just... I'm not sure I'd be good enough, strong enough, for either routes, and I know it's not really a big deal, but I can't help but feel a little... disappointed in myself.

I have a better chance in Saeyoung's route; my determination to help him, my stubbornness, could be enough for me to pull through, but I'd probably be so damn hesitant and nervous after his cold demeanor sticks around. Even a quiet, level, but cold, statement such as, "We can't even be friends" would probably bring the tears and UGH I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Saeran... that's a special case. And, again, I know it's not a real situation, but I can't help but think about it, and I'm sorry I'm ranting like this, but it just kinda got to me and I needed to write this out kind of in depth. Thank you for reading this far...

Due to a friendship in my past -- my first best friend -- I think I would struggle with him a little. Not so much during his route, although the ADHD and RSD would make that difficult, too. Man... I wouldn't give in, not at all, but you can bet 100% that I would cry at least a little every damn time Suit Saeran came in to verbally torment me. Literally none of what he says would actually hurt me, but just because they're harsh words... And I wouldn't put it past him to actually reach into my insecurity of my ADHD making me annoying and overbearing, because I likely would've mentioned it to Ray once or twice or a million times lol.

But past that, GE Saeran seems to be heavily emotionally dependent on the MC -- no surprise there, but I... My friend. She was like that. Different issues, though: depression, anxiety, self-harm, and eventually suicidal thoughts.

I carried all her secrets, all her problems. I was in middle school. I was eager that someone would trust me so much. I was certain it had no impact on me.

And then it did. And it still does. I took on an... unfavorable habit. I still do it on occasion -- and I do small versions of it everyday. It's a terrible and destructive coping mechanism, but I... I like it.

We had a fight. I told her parents everything. They got her help. I'm happy for her, always still worried about it, but we're not friends anymore. I couldn't take it.

Ever since that, I get cautious around people who show similar behaviours to her -- thinking, I can't deal with a repeat.

Saeran isn't exactly a repeat, and I'd still want to be there for him 100%... but I'm afraid of how it might affect me. I don't know what would happen. Maybe I'd accidentally end up distancing myself from him, or maybe I'd fall back into the position of taking all of his burdens onto myself, as much as he would let me...

I realize Saeyoung would likely also be a little emotionally dependent as well, but I still think I could handle that a little better... maybe... Geez. It's not a big deal now, but... I mean, people like that -- people who are or get emotionally dependent -- exist. And if I meet someone who I really like, platonically or otherwise, and they end up being even a little emotionally dependent, I fear I would unintentionally distance myself, and end up losing an amazing relationship... This is why, I believe, the thing with the Choi twins affects me so much. That, and I know I would really want to help them, but I would struggle with so much feelings of inadequacy... No, I'd struggle with emotional inadequacy itself...

Sorry for this long post, but thank you for reading... ^^"

[417]

There can be a true catharsis in writing out your feelings so I hope that you feel a little better now that you’ve gotten it out. The fun thing about games is that it is allowing you to range outside of your comfort zone and put you on a playing field where you can click things that you may feel too nervous or unsure to do in your actual life! It’s good that you can find comfort in these characters, as well, and I totally get where you’re coming from. 

Here’s the thing, yes, there are hard times emotionally with both of them but do not think for a second that they wouldn’t stop themselves in the middle of what they are doing if you start crying or get upset. Neither of them wants to hurt you or make you cry. They’re both fully aware by the ends of their routes that they’ve got a lot to work on. 

It’s not easy. But, coping and learning how to deal with your trauma in a healthy way takes time. Realistically, the events of the game should happen over a much longer period and that would make it easier to put yourself in the situation and deal with as it comes. Especially with Ray’s Route, specifically. Because there is such a drastic change in his feelings. Falling in love and playing with the line of what he knows and what he doesn’t... that’s a whole thing. 

Yes, to an extent, he leans on his MC. I’ve talked about that before. He’s going to lean on them a lot. He won’t mean to do it but he’s only ever lived his life in the sense that he can please others and do for them. Everyone gave him a reason to be alive and to exist, and now that he doesn’t have that, he doesn’t know what to do and that’s hard. That’s going to be a battle in itself but he’ll get better in time with therapy and positive support from everyone. However, that can be exhausting, so that’s something to take with care. 

Saeran knows that he needs to work on himself and he’ll apologize and work with you when he does that. You just have to be gentle with him and be honest about how exhausted it makes you feel. He’s willing to work with you and take care of this. He wants to get better. He wants to fight for his health. But, Rome isn’t built in a day. If you love him and he loves you, he wants to make this work. 

Saeyoung is hard in the sense that yes, he loves you and he would do anything for you. His issue is that he can be skittish and paranoid. In the events of the SE, he and his brother still have to live with the fact that their father is still out there and could still hurt them. He’s not going to push that fear onto you specifically but it will show in what he does. He sleeps with his back to the wall. He needs to double-check when you go out alone on CCTV. He watches over you and he can get really scared. 

It’s not smothering, per se, but it is something that he needs to work on and very well acknowledge that he is doing. It’s not healthy for him to live like that, but the fear is warranted so that’s hard to fight. He, just like Saeran, understands that he has a long road ahead of him to get better... but he wants to, and the willingness to be ready to fight for yourself is the first step in the long battle. If someone isn’t willing to fight, then it’s not going to work. 

With your own fears, I think they would both be happy to help you work on your own fears and help you in your own battle. Support systems are important, and the Choi boys want you to feel safe and loved too. Fear is fear, but love is love, and it’ll be okay. If you find comfort in them, don’t fear that things would spiral out of control, there will be hard nights, but it will be okay. At the end of the day, you’ve got someone that cares about you as much as you care about them.

It’s about being willing to be honest. 

Being honest is hard, but you have to acknowledge it. It’s something that the three of you can work on together, no matter what timeline this is. Like, to give you a personal example, even though I love Saeran, I would have a hard time myself being there in the physical form. One of my triggers is loud voices, and I would have an issue with Suit Saeran as well even though I tend to try to rationalize anger and fear to combat my anxiety. I can’t control the fact that I cry when people scream at me, though. 

But, I do control how I let it affect me afterward and that’s a part of my personal battle to cope and to heal... and knowing that Saeran is just fighting so hard to control himself and he feels so twisted up, well, I have faith in him even when he is angry and lost. That’s me though, I have faith in people. It’s just good, to be honest with yourself and know that you can find comfort and rationality in that love. 

[smileyoongle]

Come Back Home (A Kim Taehyung Mafia AU) // Part 5

So as an apology for the previous small chapter, I decided to give you a long one. Let's get it!

Summary: You were dead. Or at least that's what Kim Taehyung thought. But love never dies. A myth, yes. And maybe that's why when he finds out that you are alive, he may have already lost you.

Pairing: Mafia!Taehyung×Reader

"What the fuck did you do?!"

Minho bellowed, his fists clenching as he held himself back from knocking over the expensive vase that lay on the table in the middle of the room. Yoona sat on the couch with her face buried in her hands, shaking her head knowingly at Minho's outburst.

Minho wasn't expecting this from his sister. As much as he used to think that Yoona cared about you, he wasn't sure anymore. She lied to you when you were at your most vulnerable state. What kind of a best friend does that?

"I don't understand why you're so mad." Yoona stated, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead. She could feel the headache coming, the hectic events of the day making her exhausted. 

Minho raised his eyebrows in disbelief, scoffing at his older sister who seemed unaffected by whatever happened. 

You were lying unconscious in bed upstairs, all because Yoona wasn't in her right mind.

"You do know that you just signed your death warrant, right? I am not her boyfriend. My feelings for her are nothing in comparison to what she feels for Taehyung. If you can't take care of her then we might as well just send her back with Taehyung. At least he won't fool around with her." Minho spat, disgusted by his sister's actions. 

There was no denying that he did like you, once upon a time. But he respected your choices more. He respected the fact that you were happy with Kim Taehyung, the man who was out to ruin his life. If Minho was alive today, it was only because of you. You warmed Taehyung up and everyone in the underworld was aware of it. 

Yoona's eyes shot up to Minho's, glaring at him as if he had committed a crime. She knew she kind of messed up but Minho's accusations weren't helping. She cared about you, a lot more than anyone but no one wanted to understand her. 

"I am not the monster here, Minho. Taehyung is not good for her. She chose him over me- us, only because he manipulated her. But now her mind is completely free from his hold. And the only way to get her back is through you. So if you care about her, you are her boyfriend. Do you-"

"When I sent her with you, I didn't think you were gonna stoop so low."

A deep voice made Yoona's eyes widen, her head whipping towards the doorway to find three men standing there. Taehyung's piercing eyes stared into hers with such intensity, she almost shuddered.

A wave of betrayal washed over her as she turned to look at Minho, who was only staring at her nonchalantly.

"You called him?!" Yoona sneered, glaring at her brother with a look that made him feel guilty. But not for too long. 

Whatever she has up her sleeve, is wrong.

"I only called Hoseok. Y/N isn't well and Hoseok is basically her doctor so…"

"Y/N is perfectly okay! She only fainted because she's still weak." Yoona argued, staring at everyone in the room with a crazed look. 

Hoseok took a look around the house, wondering where you were. He decided to break through the ice and just get over with everything before things escalated out of hand. 

"Where is she?" He asked, giving Minho a pointed look. Yoona shook her head at her brother, begging him with her eyes to not say anything. But unfortunately, Minho pitied you more than he pitied his sister. He didn't want your purity to be tainted by someone as cunning as his sister. 

"Upstairs. The last room on the left." Minho answered, holding Yoona's arm when it seemed like she was about to run off to stop Hoseok. 

Minho knew that he wasn't a saint but he hated himself for everything he had done. Two months at a rehab facility made him realize how short life is to just waste it in the confines of a building, trying to recover from something that could have been avoided. He was grateful for Yoona. She was a good sister but maybe not a good friend.

Taehyung simply stared at Yoona with a blank expression, not even glancing at Hoseok as he made his way upstairs. 

Taehyung was lost. It was simple as that. He knew that your memories weren't supposed to be toyed with and Yoona was doing exactly that. She had put him in a position to hurt you more. If he suddenly went up to you and told you that it wasn't Minho that you loved, he was sure you'd lose your mind. He couldn't do that to you. Absolutely not.

Jungkook stepped forward towards Minho, an icy glare fixed on the latter. 

"What's your game? You think you can act like a saint and get away while your pathetic sister spins up a web of lies for a helpless girl who was fucking tortured? I should have killed you when I had the chance." Jungkook spat, a faint smirk painting itself on his lips when he saw Minho gulp. No matter who said what, Jungkook knew better than to trust anyone related to Yoona. 

Minho stood his ground, returning Jungkook's glare. Or at least trying to. He was intimidated by the doe-eyed man but he had to prove himself. He wasn't the same person anymore. He had changed for the better and he wanted everyone to see that.

"My brother had nothing to do with this so keep him out!" Yoona retorted, trying to protect her sibling. Jungkook only chuckled in response before his eyes darkened.

"You're the one who dragged him into this by making him Y/N's boyfriend." Jungkook replied, gritting his teeth. He could feel the itch in his hands, begging him to slit Yoona's throat. He couldn't even bare to stand in the same room as her. He was truly disgusted by her. Until now, he used to think he was a bad person and he deserved to burn alive but Yoona proved him wrong.

Taehyung quietly stood, watching the exchange by the sidelines. He was actually dumbfounded. He didn't know what to say but something in him believed Minho. Maybe he wasn't lying. 

But can you trust him?

Taehyung frowned at his conscience, taking a step forward to take the lead.

"I don't know why you lied to her. Whatever twisted reason you have, I don't care. But if something happens to her, I'll make sure to hurt you more than I hurt Castillo. And I hurt him real bad." Taehyung seethed, gritting his teeth so hard that he thought he'd almost break them. Yoona's eyes went from Taehyung's face to the floor, a knowing shudder passing through her spine. She knew Taehyung wasn't lying. Even though she didn't know how much Taehyung's love for you was worth, she did know that he was highly protective of you.

Taehyung inhaled deeply before turning his eyes to Minho who was silently gaping at him. With a burning glare, Taehyung took hold of Minho's collar, receiving a gasp from Yoona's mouth. 

Taehyung tightened his grip, pulling the collar together to constrict some of Minho's oxygen. 

"And you. If you play smart with me, you'll fucking wish you were never born." Taehyung threatened, his eyes turning a slight shade of red. The air in the room was thick and the silence was deafening. Everything seemed to be on fire due to Taehyung's wrath. But it was fair.

Hoseok descended the stairs, pursing his lips on seeing Taehyung's hold on Minho. 

"Y/N is awake. She's alright for now." Hoseok announced, eyeing Yoona as she sighed. Taehyung frowned, letting go of Minho's collar and turning to face Hoseok.

"For now? What do you mean?"

Hoseok sighed sadly, looking at Taehyung with all the pity that he could muster. Jungkook narrowed his eyes, "What is it?"

"She could be having PTSD."

Everyone's breathing seemingly hitched, Taehyung's eyes closing in sorrow. 

At this point, all he could do was blame himself. This was all his fault and there was no one else to blame. He should have protected you better. He shouldn't have left your hand and he shouldn't have lost hope so soon.

Hoseok cautiously stepped forward and placed a hand on Taehyung's shoulder. "She wants to see you, man." 

At those words, Taehyung's eyes immediately shot up to Hoseok's, seeing if there was any hint of sarcasm in them. But there wasn't. All he could see was a sense of relieved happiness. And Taehyung couldn't be more pleased. 

"Really?" Taehyung asked, his heart racing in his chest as if it were in a marathon. Hoseok nodded in response before nudging his head towards the staircase. With that, Taehyung gave him a firm smile and took off, a breathy laugh escaping his lips.

There was no feeling in this world that could describe how he felt. It was a mix of emotions, too much for his heart to handle and too good for his lips to hide. He was grinning, breathing heavily as he reached the last room. 

He knocked lightly, wondering why you wanted to see him. Maybe you remembered something? Even though that was too big of a dream, Taehyung hoped it was true. He wanted his love back.

On hearing a soft 'come in', he opened the door, stepping inside the decent sized room with blue walls. His eyes scanned the room as he gently closed the door behind him, the wind coming in from the windows making his hair ruffle.

There was a kind of warmth in the room. It felt like home and rainbows and all things nice. Why? 

Because you were there.

Taehyung saw you sitting on the bed, your hair preventing him from seeing your face as you were turned away from him. But the bandages and cotton in front of you told him that you were trying to change your dressing.

With a hiss, you turned your face towards Taehyung, not seeing him yet. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back on the headboard, wincing a little at your exposed wound. Taehyung's breath hitched on seeing your shoulder bare, your sleeve hanging on your upper arm. There was a painful looking gash which was partially bleeding, it's bluish edges making Taehyung squirm. You must be in so much pain.

"I can help with that."

You flinched on hearing Taehyung's voice, your head jolting back and hitting the headboard with a thud. 

"Ah-ouch…" you whimpered, rubbing the back of your head furiously. You felt so embarrassed. You had completely forgotten that someone was in the room with you. But not your fault. You had failed to tell Hoseok that your wound was bleeding and by the time you went to say it, he had already left. It was all left to you now.

The throbbing in your head seemed to go away in seconds and you finally turned your attention to Kim Taehyung who was looking at you with concern. He had a black turtleneck and his tanned skin was glowing in the light that entered your room through the window. 

You were standing in the presence of a mafia leader who looked so damn fine. Your cheeks heated up and you looked away from him, his eyes becoming too intimidating for you to handle.

"Yes please…" you whispered, peering up at him through your lashes. Taehyung almost didn't hear it, too busy admiring your flustered state. You looked like an injured angel. His angel.

He gave you a soft nod and sat down beside you, inhaling deeply as you shifted a little towards him, leaning your shoulder so that he could easily access it.

You internally gasped, your heart thudding loudly when Taehyung's fingers came in contact with your skin. He was trying his best to not hurt you, grazing his fingers on your shoulder to brush your hair away. Your skin was on fire under his touch and you turned your face away from him to avoid blushing more.

Taehyung started working on your wound, cleaning the blood and making sure your bleeding has stopped. 

"Did you hit your shoulder somewhere?" He asked, frowning in concentration. The wound looked like it was tampered with, otherwise Hoseok's dressing was always on point.

You glanced at his face, biting your lip at the proximity. If you leaned in closer, your lips would definitely touch his cheek. You shook your head, willing all these absurd thoughts to go away.

"Umm….I think when I passed out, I fell on this side." You answered, nodding your head towards your wounded shoulder. Taehyung nodded, his lips pursed as he bandaged your shoulder nicely.

"There." He mumbled, pulling away and letting you see his work. But your eyes couldn't move away from his face, a smile spreading on your lips as you thanked him. 

Taehyung held back the urge to kiss you, his gaze falling to your lips. There was a time when he didn't have to think so much about kissing you. And now he wasn't sure when he'll be able to do that.

"You wanted to see me?" Taehyung asked, his curiosity eating him up inside. His mind was running through a number of possibilities.

Did you have a question that you couldn't ask anyone else?

Did you perhaps remember something about your relationship with Taehyung?

"I...had like a vision? I don't know what to call it." You mumbled, fiddling with your fingers and trying to figure out the right thing to say. Taehyung narrowed his eyes and leaned forward, noticing your nervousness.

"You can talk to me, Y/N. I don't mean any harm to you. Never have." Taehyung assured, offering you a gentle smile. Your heart swooned at the way his lips stretched at you. He was looking at you as if you were the reason for his existence. 

Maybe you were. Maybe that's why you had that sketchy dream.

You found yourself staring at him, his eyes pulling you in like a moth to the light. 

"I saw you and me. I don't know what was going on but we seemed...close." You explained, your voice soothing Taehyung like honey. He tilted his head, hiding the smile that was threatening to play out.

You had a flashback?

"I wanna know who you are. What's your relationship with me? Because nothing seems right. It's like I don't even know who I am. I just wanna remember something apart from what I already know. Just...please tell me." You begged, your voice cracking as you gasped occasionally to breath.

Taehyung immediately moved forward to comfort you but you already had something in mind. You threw yourself in his arms, crying against his chest as he froze under your touch. 

This was a girl with no memory, crying in his arms because she was lost. But for Taehyung, this was you, begging him to make you remember. But he didn't know how to tell you anything.

So he just wrapped his arms around you and held you firmly, rubbing your back and whispering comforting things to you.

"You're right, Y/N. We were close. We are close. You can say I was your...best friend." Taehyung said, his voice like a whisper, fading into your cries. He couldn't bring himself to tell you the truth. Because you weren't okay yet. You weren't ready to love him back. And he was willing to wait.

Something in you snapped and you pulled away harshly.

What were you doing?! Throwing yourself in the arms of a man you didn't know? 

Hurt flashed across Taehyung's face but he was quick to cover it. However, he couldn't control the aching in his heart. He missed you so much. And seeing that clueless look in your eyes made him weaker.

You wiped away your tears and glanced at the floor, feeling a little embarrassed about your reaction. Definitely you could have handled this situation without crying. But what were you to do? Your mind was a big black hole that seemed to grow deeper.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done-"

"You don't have to apologize for anything when you're with me, love." Taehyung said, giving you a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. How would it? He was fucking heartbroken.

You didn't respond, only playing with the hem of your shirt as Taehyung continued to stare at you.

This was it then, Taehyung thought. He stood up and decided that maybe it was best to leave you alone. You had things to think about. 

A boyfriend, you mean.

He gritted his teeth at the realisation. Only if he could tell you. 

With a shaky sigh, Taehyung turned around to leave, placing his hands on the doorknob when your voice stopped him.

"If we were best friends….I can trust you, right?" You asked, looking at the handsome male with hopeful eyes. He looked at you over his shoulder before turning around.

"Always."

You could feel yourself relaxing at his reply. It felt right. He felt right.

"If I ever wanna meet you, will you come?" You were now sitting up straighter, the pain in your shoulder feeling less important than Taehyung. 

There it was again, Taehyung's moment of hope. It was exhausting to lose hope again and again only for it to revive. Taehyung's life had been very different before you. He didn't believe in hope or any of that TV series cliché. But after you, he changed. He liked himself better and he knew everyone did too.

His eyes darted around the room in search of anything he could write with. You seemed to read his mind because the next second, you held out your wrist along with a pen from under your pillow.

Taehyung was speechless before he let out a soft chuckle and moved forward. 

"I-there was no paper." You stated, biting your lip afterward. Taehyung took the pen from you and held your hand in his. Your heart suddenly picked up it's pace and you mentally scolded yourself.

He's your best friend.

You reminded yourself, a soft gasp leaving your mouth as the pen glided over your skin. Taehyung's dark brown eyes glanced at you for a second before he continued writing down his number, a gush of wind adding to your goosebumps.

He let go of your hand, his fingers lingering a little longer then they should. But you didn't oppose. His touch felt so warm and fragile. It made you feel special.

"I'll call you." You said, making him nod in response. Hesitantly, Taehyung took off to leave.

"Take care, Y/N. I'll see you soon." 

💔🖤💔🖤

Jungkook was mad at Taehyung for not telling you the truth when he had the chance. It was like Taehyung suddenly became a saint and he wasn't liking it. You were a special person for every member of the gang, your bright nature had contributed to changing everyone for the better. And Jungkook was the first one you had bonded with. Even before Taehyung. 

Nobody needed to say anything, but everyone was lost without you. Taehyung was a little more than lost but it was destructive. They all needed you.

That's why Jungkook had requested to see you. Taehyung didn't say no because he knew how Jungkook felt towards you. There was a soft spot in the youngest male's heart for you. Taehyung trusted Jungkook with your life.

And so here he was, despite the protests of Yoona, with a small book that was tucked under his leather jacket. He was gonna fix it.

He knocked and let himself in after hearing your 'come in'. He winced on seeing your shocked expression but he knew you would relax.

"Hey Y/N. You feeling okay now?" Jungkook asked, flashing you his sweetest smile. And it seemed to work because your shoulders relaxed visibly.

You gently nodded, taking in his entire appearance. You knew him. You had caught his name when you were at Taehyung's house.

"Jungkook, wasn't it?" You asked, sighing when he nodded. Jungkook's heart swelled with pride. You did remember him. Even if it wasn't since before your kidnapping incident.

"I just came to give you something. I know how you must be feeling about all this and I wanna help you." He stated, shifting his weight from one foot to another. 

Any help was welcomed by you. You were desperate and hungry to find out the missing pieces of your memory's puzzle. You looked at him with a certain glint of happiness.

"What is it?" You enquired, gripping the sheets tightly. Jungkook looked behind him at the door, trying to catch any sound of someone approaching but there was none. He walked over to you and took the book from under his jacket, running his finger over it once, as if to relish it's feel.

"This is your diary. You used to write in it everyday. Don't ask me how I got it, Y/N. You'll find out everything soon. Just know that...I hope you remember me someday." Jungkook said, handing you the baby blue book which had your name engraved on it.

It was a gift to you by Taehyung, not that you'd remember. You glanced at the beautiful notebook, a smile gracing your lips naturally. This was the key. The answer to every question you had. You detected the sadness in Jungkook's voice when he said those words to you, a pang of guilt washing over you.

"I am sorry." Was all you could say and it broke Jungkook's heart. Without another word, he bent down and hugged you, clenching his eyes shut to prevent the tears that were threatening to spill. He took in your scent, letting out a breathy laugh when he felt your fingers ruffling his hair. This was something you always did. But this could be a coincidence for all he knew, so he brushed it off.

Jungkook pulled away, quickly wiping away a tear that finally made its way down his cheek. But you saw it. You didn't know the man before you. You didn't know how he came into your life but you did know that you meant a lot to him. Something told you that your life was perfect before everything had changed. 

"I'll get going now." Jungkook waved at you, taking steps backwards until he reached the door. He grinned at you when you waved back, a sense of belonging settling in your features. 

Just as he opened the door, he stopped and glanced at you. The dark look in his eyes made you worried. It made you wonder what was suddenly running through his mind.

"Be careful, Y/N. Everyone's always lying around here."

Taglist: @min-t-posts @annoyinglyunabashedangel @bringitseijoh @kpopgirlbtssvt @jeonjello @shadowstark @bangtanniexxx @wendyiiwl @imlostindarkness @sinnersblogg @jazzytfw @lovestrucked-again @hopetookmysoul @angelwolfexorcist @taes-strawberry @ireallylikefoodandyoutube @annoyingpessimist @hajimaoppaa @atwoodscott @kawaiimusiccollection @byeolizzie @sleepysavya @sensiblebutch @moonlit-tae @soundofwonderland @the-fangirl-lorax @btsarmysvtcarat @youthandtears @novelreadOOO @glitterytreephantom @entitledtolove @somewhereinthestarss

Sorry to the people I missed out. Tell me if you wanna be tagged! Okay bye ily!

-XX

[themagiciansreccenter]

The Great Blank Spot: @hoteldestiel

So much goes into creating fanfiction even before the first words hit the paper. And in-depth spotlight on our writers and the process behind their work.

Tell us about your current project.

Peaches and Plums is my take at a canon-divergent run through of the second half of Season 3 as well as an exploration of all the pieces of the mosaic timeline we didn't get to see. Really, it's my super self-indulgent excuse to dive deep into Eliot's insecurities and darknesses and how they align with/interact with Quentin's. And write these two falling deeply, madly in love with each other as they deserve.

The fics are finally posted from The Trials. Did you participate?

I didn't! I wasn't in deep enough with this fandom until after that challenge was over but I would love to participate in the future!

What is your current word count?

With the draft of Chapter 5 I need edited before I post, I'm at 15,389

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session?

I do! Not always on this project, I've got a lot of things rolling, but I have been very serious this year about making writing fiction a daily habit for me. Right now my word count goal is 750 words for my 39 Graves timeline and then whatever else I feel like rocking on top of that. Lately I've been averaging around 2k per day.

What was the inspiration for this fic?

A Life in the Day is basically a fanfic writer's dream, really, with all the blank spots waiting to be filled. One of the first things that pulled me into this show was Quentin and Eliot's relationship, and getting to see that in such a powerful way in 3x05 inspired the heck out of me. I also just really wanted a chance to dive into Eliot's head more. I love that chaotic good trauma baby ok??

How do you stay motivated between chapters/stories?

I read (novels, other fanfic, you name it), I work on other projects, I consume other art (music, tv, movies, gifsets lbr those are ART) and I bounce ideas off of people in the fandom, geek out on headcanons, rewatch episodes and meta the heck out of whatever comes my way. Having the daily writing habit helps a lot, it's hard to lose all motivation when you know you have a standing date with your keyboard.

Did this fic require any research? How much research do you typically do for your fics?

So far my only research has been referring back to the second half of season 3 and consulting the Magicians Wiki when I get stuck. If a fic requires me to do some googling (like this idea I have brewing in the back of my mind probably will) I will gladly google whatever I need to to make sure it's right. Usually, though, I don't research until I run up against the thing that needs clarification. If I get too in my head about the details, the prose doesn't come as easily.

Do you typically write ahead or post as you go?

I post as I go! Write a chapter, get it edited/betaed, and out into the ether it goes! I usually sit with it for a couple of days after it's drafted and edited before I publish it, but that's about as close to writing ahead as I get.

How much planning and outlining did you do before you started putting words on paper?

For Peaches and Plums, almost none. I had the idea, and I was driving home from work when the first sentence of it came into my head clear as day. I repeated it to myself the rest of the drive home so I wouldn't lose it by the time I got there, walked through the door and immediately sat down to start writing. I jot down notes for future chapters as they come to me but it's been pretty go-with-the-flow so far.

Has it been pretty smooth sailing or rough waters? When things get rocky, how do you handle needing to rewrite sections or scrap scenes entirely?

It was smooth sailing (punt intended, thanks Muntjac) until Chapter 5. The plot had a pretty clear direction and I knew where I wanted it to go, but Chapter 5 is an all-mosaic chapter and I struggled with that. It stalled me out for a couple of weeks, and the first version of that chapter straight up doesn't exist anymore. I've been writing for a long time so I'm less precious with my writing, I'll cut huge chunks out if I feel they don't really serve the story, and I'm totally okay with rewriting. The biggest thing I try to keep in mind when I'm rewriting is that it can't happen in a vacuum. When I'm done with the rewrite, I make sure to read the whole chapter/piece over again because sometimes it gets messy and confusing, or repetitive without trying. Rocky, for me, is running out of plot steam or being unsure of where to go next, but I think I've got a pretty clear direction of the next few chapters so I'm excited to have some momentum again!

Teaser

“That’s bullshit!” Q said, stepping closer again, reaching Eliot’s side before he had time to do anything drastic.

“You’re right,” Not-Eliot growled. “You can end this, don’t let him talk you out of it.”

“No, Q. It’s not bullshit. It’s smart. The rest of you can figure this out without me,” Eliot said, his foot still perched on the rung.

“Not like you were really much help anyway,” Not-Eliot added, “Quentin didn’t even figure out the mosaic until after you died.”

Eliot shook his head. God, he hadn’t thought of it like that. It made sense. He gripped the rung tighter, willing himself to shift his weight upward.

“No!” Quentin shouted, placing his hand over one of Eliot’s. Eliot stopped.

“Why not, huh? Can you give me one good, legitimate reason? Not some shitty reason about how the quest needs me or how I’m some great magician if I can just stick it out until we get magic back, or how Fillory needs me. That’s all so fucking flimsy, and we both know it. Give me a real reason, Q.”

Quentin was quiet. Eliot took it as an answer. He brought his other foot to the rung, hoisting himself up once more.

“I already lost you once, El, don’t make me lose you again.”

The Great Blank Spot is an in-depth spotlight focusing on the writing process and previewing in-progress fics for our fandom. It is meant to be an organic, ever-evolving feature. Previously interviewed fic writers can reach out to us here, to have a specific work featured. If you’d like to have a work featured but haven’t done the author spotlight, reach out to us to get started. If you have suggestions for questions you’d like to see answered, shoot us an ask!

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Alan LionHeart: sabrina, I think you should just know Jesse is telling me that you had _______ off his ______ and now he only has one and you also ______ off the ______ of his ______

Me: so... what? What does he want about it? We know it's true. I don't care it's out there, I know I did it. Now I know and I'm retaining it

Alan: so why did you tell _____ to call _____ _____?

Me: because it makes him cry.

I'm seriously non-chalant and he's seriously humored.

Alan: he also asked me to ask you not to post anything about him in public anymore, especially when tagging

(Not quite #JesseJames but more @butpee, I expect)

Me: okay well ask him to quit talking privately with others about me and to post in public.

He tries not laugh to.

I know it's fruitless. But why is everyone beating on about airing dirty laundry when they just want to sweep the trash under the rug? #justkeepingitclean

Me: what else?

Alan: that's it

Me: well thanks for stopping by

Alan: it's been real.

(Why did I __________ instead of filling the blank for you? I don't want to implicate you in purposely trying to hurt him. He could get a little crazy on you. And I don't want to lie. I don't have to either. I, just like everyone else I "gossip" about only have to answer to god. IDC who you are. At rhe end of your life span, you have to answer to your reasons and choices for doing things. And without a heavy heart or dirty conscious I'm going to say that call _____ _____ is a person's name. I hope that you understand I would not try to hurt anyone that doesn't deserve to be hurt and I have tried and will continue to try to protect everyone I can. And right now, making Jesse cry makes me happy. The FBI is around everyone constantly, no matter what or how, Jesse will be prevented from doing serious harm to others. So no one should be afraid that I want Jesse to cry. If you do get afraid, tell me. I will handle Schroder myself. I can't promise I can prevent him from mentally torturing you, but the FBI can usually. Sometimes of you may deserve It tho. But I will handle Schroder)

Me: hey alan

Alan: what?

Me: did Jesse tell you about that time after my babies died and I was expressing breast milk for the ICU babies and I gave him the rids of his life?

Alan: no

Me: it's his favorite memory

Alan: what was it sexual?

Me: very

Alan: was a nurse involved? I may know this one

Me: I don't think so.

Alan: put it this way was he handcuffed to the bed and everyone was looking in the window? That was a good one? His favorite? I don't think so

Me: mmmhmmm he begged me not to leave and that he could do anything i wanted. He begged me over and over

Alan: it sounds like it was amazing

Me: I think so

Alan: did you get applause after?

Me: yeah

Alan: you sound happy about this particular memory

Me: it was the best. Only three of us are still living in our bodies, that were there

Alan busts laughing: sounds like it was a real killer!

I deeply & happily sigh: yeah