#reading your messages put a stabbing pain in my gut but who cares

[gengarghast]

When your friend is so nice to you it hurts.

[that-little-zebunny]

Skin to Skin (First Date)

Pairing: Loki x Avenger!Reader

Warning: Angst, little Gorey-ish details, Fluff

WC: 2,151

Summary: You're new to the team and end up messing it up with the God of mischief on your first day in. Knowing his reputation you're up for a fun time in the compound.

Note: First of all thank you so much guys for the warm acceptance you gave on our 1st part T....T y'all made my heart so so happy. I hope you'll enjoy this part and I'd love to know how you think. Its a bit long so yay enjoy.

2nd day of our wonderful HBC's Week of Love for the lovely @the-th-horniest-book-club 🥰

You know what's the fun part of fighting the bad? It's that it doesn't choose a great time. It pops up as randomly as it can. So here you are on your second day trying to go around and meet people, when you got a message to suit up.

Small details are that you and your team are going to keep an eye on one of hydras abandoned bases because Friday had detected some activity there.

What you didn't know is the team you speak of is just you, the Falcon, Natasha and Loki. Yup, how fun will it be? You and the person that doesn't like you in one deadly work. You won't be surprised if somehow between the fighting you'll be stabbed by him. You shook your head to remove the thoughts running in it. You really should stop watching suspense shows. You sighed.

After almost three hours in the air you all finally made it in the location. You scratched your head when you saw that the area is surrounded by a lot of trees.

"Looks like we're up for a fun hide and seek game if there's really people here now." Nat said as she fixed all the weapons secured on her belt. Sam agreed. He activated three of his cute little drones to help out with securing the area for treats.

"We should go. All these small talks will not vanish our enemies." Loki said walking past the three of you. You pouted.

"I think that's mostly because of me. Sorry guys." You said as you finished fixing your knives on your belt and grabbing your metal staff. It's your main weapon because it keeps you from getting near anyone when it's not needed.

"No worries cookies, he's like that to everyone. He didn't really have a choice in being here. He's banished here to help." Sam said using the silly nickname they all choose to give you after you delivered tons of cookies to them.

You look at Loki's retreating back sadly.

You're able to get inside the rusty building without encountering anyone.

"This is a bit creepy. How did Friday detect anything here? There's no one in about 10 kilometers." Sam said as he checked the tech in his arm.

"Maybe it's a ghost?" You joked which earned you a strange look from them. "What? I watch movies." You rolled your eyes at them and continued going to another part of the building to check. It looks like you're in a laboratory slash surgery room. That gave you chills. You tried to not imagine how many bodies were cut and gutted in here.

"You have a very unique mind." Someone said which made you squeak. You turned around swinging your staff towards the voice but was halted by a sting hand. Loki held the end of your staff smirking at you.

"Crap…" you whispered. You didn't do anything again didn't you? "I-I'm sorry." You bit your lips as you relaxed, removing your staff from his hold.

"For someone that works with emotions you do suck at it." He said, smirking at you.

You scratched your nape as you stared up at his face, his very very beautiful face. Ugh!

"I know. Its been a challenge controlling my own. I was so used at controlling others." You said remembering your childhood. How you tried to mold your always bickering parents to play nice when you're around and to act as if they loved you. You know they hated it and they hated you but what can you say you were ten and scared. But they didn't care. All they know is you're an anomaly and that they rather not be around you. That's why as soon as your grandma offered they toosed you away like a hot potato.

You shook your head as your most dreaded memory came up. You frowned and turned to look at Loki again.

"Was that you!?" You asked. You're gritting your teeth as you feel the rage consume you. He just stared down at you smirking wickedly. You boinked away the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes. "We're even now." You said gripping your staff.

"Yes we are." He proudly said as he went around checking if he could find anything useful and you did the same.

It really was a lab and they've experimented on people trying to make a brain dead person have functions again. That made your stomach turn especially when you saw the reports of how the patients reacted to that. Some were like dummies and some became vicious. And so many more that you end up closing the files you're reading and you just grabbed them.all to bring them back with you.

"Find anything else?" You asked Loki but he didn't answer so you went to look what he's doing in the room he went in. You found him staring at a cradle.

"There's a body here." He said. That alerted you. Especially when you saw him touch the cradle to open it using his power.

"Nooo Loki don't!" You shouted as the cover of it opened up releasing some kind of gas. Knowing the few things you've read if your guess is correct this is gonna be bad.

You ran to him to grab his arm to pull him away but he didnt move so when you saw the sharp claw like hands coming out the gas you didn't think much and just went in between Loki and the thing.

You gasped in pain as you felt the slicing on your back.

"Good norns! Y/N! You dumb, dumb mortal!" He shouted as he caught you in his arms when your legs gave out. He looked behind you and flicked his hands green mist went to take away the life from the girl from the cradle. You heard its body make noise as it fell down.

Still in Loki's embrace you tried to breathe deep but it ended up just you gasping painfully. The cuts must have been deeper than you thought.

"L-Loki…" you pleaded with him as you felt your breathing start getting shallow and you feel like you're drowning. You must have blood on your lungs by now. You tried to swallow the sobs that tried to get out of your lips and you just stared up at his face. He really have a nice face. It's unfair.

You must have lost your mind because when he caught you staring you smiled up at him which in return got you another frown.

"Stop admiring me. I know I look better than the normal midgard male population. You really must be dumb, why did you jump infront of me. I'm a God I won't be hurt by a mere scratch." He said as he helped you to lay down on the floor as he called out to Nat and Sam on his coms. He turned you on your side to check your injury and you heard him take in a breath.

"Is it bad?" You asked thinking of the worse based on his face.

"Don't get your brain all rilled up, Cookies. It'll be alright." You giggled when you heard him call you on your new nickname.

"S-so I'm cookies to y-you now too." You coughed but still smiling.

"Oh you need to shuush." He said but you can hear the smile in his tone. So your stupidity got you on his goodside.

"How can I s-shuush. This might be my last time to talk. What i-if some parasite is now in me and I'll start walking and biting people." You caughed again as you felt something soothing on your back.

"You need to change what you watch Y/N. That's not healthy anymore." He said, shaking his head. Your back is starting to feel nice now and your head is like it's floating. You giggled again as you touched his face. Even in your groggy brain you felt his emotions. Scared, amused and adoration. Is that all for you? You smiled at him again as your eyes were about to close.

"You should date me Loki." You said. His eyes went wide as he steadied you to pick you up.

"That's the soothing magic talking." He said as he started to walk.

You're about to walk past the table where you put down the files you found when you remember how important they are.

"Wait! Wait! Lemme grab those." You pointed to the tall stocks of folders.

He walked near it and you grabbed them and hugged them on your chest like your life depends on it.

You feel proud of yourself getting them or being carried by Loki. You're not sure which anymore and before he even finds your team you fell asleep.

You woke up in what you guessed as the med bay. You tried to get up and looked around to find no one. You brushed your hair with your hand as you tried to stand but got dizzy. You tried to grip the bed frame for support but you're too slow so you just let yourself fall. You're about to kiss the floor when two strong hands caught you and relief and annoyance flooded your brain.

"You must enjoy being in my arms." He teased as he helped you back on the bed.

"You got nice arms." You joked as you went back on your bed. You took a deep breath and seriously asked him "how did the rest of the mission go?"

"Well, the Widow was able to find some scavengers that tried to loot the structure they came back there before we left and they must have been the ones who triggered Friday's system. The monstrous thing that attacked you is dead officially and we didn't find another of it but we did find a mass grave behind the building." He explained as he sat down on the side of your bed.

You thanked him and relaxed knowing there's no more of that thing around.

"Do you like steak or do you prefer the simple ones?" Loki suddenly asked. You looked at him confused.

"What for?" You asked.

"You have offered me to date you. Have you forgotten?" He said, smirking at you. You felt your cheeks heat up. Crap you did. Mid thinking about tobe a zombie parasite walker time. You looked at him waiting for him to say he's joking but nothing . He just raised one gorgeous eyebrow as he waited.

"You're serious?" You covered your face with one hand as you tried to let what he's saying sink in.

"Very serious, you've felt my darkest emotions I've seen your darkest memories don't you think we're past the getting to know part Sam keep on babbling about?" He said as he slowly touched your elbow with a finger and you felt his sincerity and adoration. Your brain feels like it's about to explode. This majestic person really wants to go out with you. Omg!!!

You slowly nodded and he smiled.

"So stake or not?" He asked again.

"I like steak." You answered back. He smiled and left. Leaving you with so many emotions that you never felt before as your own. Joy, giddiness and something you can't name.

A week after you're out of being stuck on a medical bed you and Loki went to that date. You still can't believe it's happening. He even did all the preparations and stuff. He brought you to a gorgeous restaurant with beautiful music and the tastiest stake you ever had. It was so much fun. He's very funny in his own way. You're both enjoying a walk before going back to the compound when you felt Loki grab your gloved hand. You look up at him.

"What's wrong?" You asked. He just smiled and kissed your hand.

"I'm just very glad I gave myself a chance to know you more and not let what happened to us on our first meeting get to me. You're a very fascinating and beautiful lady Y/N. Thank you for being with me today." He said. You smiled warmly at him as you took off your gloves. You stashed them in the pocket of your coat and brought your hands up to his face but didn't completely touch him.

"May I?" You asked and you saw his face softened. You told him that you will never touch him without his permission.

"Yes…" he answered as he held both your hands and brought them close to his face. He closed his eyes and sighed at the feel of your skin. Feeling that strange feelings again that you can't name you're not sure if it's yours or Loki's emotion. You stepped closer to him and tiptoed to reach his waiting lips. You can't wait to understand that strange feeling but for now you're gonna enjoy how good it feels.

Tag list

Skin to skin: @delightfulheartdream @victias @kaogasm @marvelgirl7 @alexakeyloveloki @newdaynewyearnewlife @multifandomlife22

Tom Hiddleston and Characters: @jewels2876 @jobean12-blog @CurlyRed2020

The ones with stikes, I cant tag you guys i dunno why T.T

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story pt 2 - Zombie Apocalypse

Hey everyone, here is a continuation to the the fix it fic Reverse harem short story I posted a few days ago! 

Part one linked here. 

(FYI although it is a different world, the main character as well as Liam are the same people. As stated at the end of the first part, Liam cannot bring along any memories from prior worlds) 

Enjoy!

__________________________

GRRRR!

I looked around at my surroundings as I arrived in the new world, trying to catch my bearings.

Broken down buildings, abandoned cars, no people around and zombies about to attack… yep, definitely a post-apocalyptic setting.

I was in the middle of a city road, surrounded on all sides by tall, buildings with shattered windows, exposed beams and hanging wires. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as I felt the unsettling atmosphere slowly settle over me. There was a strange silence to the world, the absence of people talking, cars honking, electronics beeping. There was just the wind, my breathing and silence…

GRRR.

…and the growls of the twenty or so zombies slowly approaching me.

I climbed up on an abandoned car, trying to catch my bearings. The movement tore at the four or five wounds that were scattered over my body, forcing out a groan of pain.

Multiple bruises, possible broken ribs, several cuts to arms and legs that still have broken bits of glass in them… it’s like I’ve been in a bar brawl.

It was always frustrating before I could accept the memories of my character and the world setting. I had no idea where I was, how I had gotten here, and more importantly what my mission was.

First things first, I need something to defend myself with.To my pleasant surprise, a quick survey of the area revealed a backpack that looked full and a sword resting on the ground nearby.

I jumped down, biting my lip to hold back a cry of pain at the motion, and quickly pulled the backpack on, unsheathing the sword and looking at it. It looked like something out of a museum, with an ornate gold plated hilt and a long, slightly curved blade. The weight and length were just at the limit of what this current body could bear, and I gave the sword a few practice swings with a grin.

Wonder how my character got a hold of a sword… this body doesn’t seem like one that practices fencing.

Putting my questions out of my mind, I held up my sword, centering my thoughts and bringing my heart into focus, just as I had trained in the past.

Fortunately, one of the previous story worlds I had lived through since the day I woke up without memories had been an assassin novel. The mission had been difficult; protecting the assassin’s guild from destruction after the hero left them behind to chase the heroine on an adventure. The author had regretted destroying his beloved family and guild members, and abandoned the novel. So I was tasked with spending years training weapons skills in the group, finally fighting against the rogue gang that attacked and defending the hero’s family in his place. Completing that mission had taken seven years in total, but  on the bright side I had gained a good amount of fighting experience.

I closed my hand over the familiar weight of a sword in my palm. Time to start a new world.At the thought I felt a pang of loneliness and couldn’t help but close my eyes and smile bitterly. How is it that I’ve spent years and years in some of these worlds, and they still didn’t manage to move my heart as much as four weeks spent in a silly high school romance novel world?

“Liam.” I whispered quietly, opening my eyes with a sigh. He had so easily bypassed my defenses, making me care about him to the point that I had hesitated about moving on to the next world.

I have to keep moving forward, it’s my only hope of recovering my memories and going home.

Grrrr.

Thinking about the world and people I had left behind had depressed my mood, but thankfully, an outlet for my emotions had just presented itself on a silver platter.

“Time for some emotional therapy… by killing zombies.” With a  smile I put away all stray thoughts and feelings, suppressed any sensation of pain or fear. There was only me, my sword, and the targets to destroy.

I was ready.

Silent, I sprang forward, my sword raised.

My first slash cut off the nearest zombies arm, the sword slicing through the rotten meat and brittle bones with ease.

Thud.

The arm hit the ground with a dull sound. The zombie’s wide, lidless eyes stared down at the detached limb for a few moments, as if confused, before turning back towards me with renewed energy.

GRRR.

Right, undead. Cutting off limbs won’t do much. So let’s try decapitation.

Ducking under the zombie’s remaining arm, I straightened up behind the monster and aimed this time for the neck.

This time both head and body fell to the ground, and became still.

Success!

The rotten blood and flesh dripped onto my hand from the stained blade. Disgusted, I swung the sword back and forth, which only served to scatter the remnants in the air, releasing a horrific smell. I gagged, forcing myself to breathe through my mouth and leaping at the nearest zombie with a snarl.

“This is so gross!”

SLICE! Two zombies fell to the ground on either side of me.

“I hate this world so much!”

Swish! Slice! THUD!

“WHAT IF THERE’S NO RUNNING WATER AND I CAN’T SHOWER?!!!”

A zombie’s growl cut off suddenly as the head flew out into the distance.

“I don’t even know what the mission is, but it already SUCKS!”

Letting out my frustration, I took out the remaining zombies, standing in place in a puddle of goo, my breaths coming in an out with a harsh gasping sound as my out of shape body tried to catch up with the practiced movements I had just put it through. My heart beat rapidly in my chest, breathing caused sharp pains as my broken ribs protested and made their presence known.

I was injured, I was tired, and I was covered in zombie guts.

I want to go home.

But I didn’t know where home was.

Feeling sorry for myself, I sat down on the ground, pulling out my phone and checking the mission.

“This better be a quick one.”

As I pulled up the familiar screen the first thing I noticed was a notification.

**** CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE LEVELED UP!****

“… Pardon?”

As you continue to complete world missions in an efficient and satisfactory manner, you will gain experience and level up the mission system, allowing you additional benefits and assistance.

A small experience bar glowed at the bottom of the notification, with only a sliver of the space filled in and a large number “2” next to it.

“It took TWELVE worlds for me to get to level 2?!” I fought the desire to throw my phone with rage, and continued to read.

With your new level, you have unlocked key character descriptions and world map in the mission app! As well as… other benefits!

“…” I stared at the screen silently. Why do I feel like this thing is just messing with me now?I’m just going to ignore this. It’s too rage inducing.

I clicked through the message and moved on to the mission description.

**** NEW WORLD: WAR OF THE UNDEAD ****

This post-apocalyptic zombie infested story follows Eric, a young man with a military background and the will to fight as he survives the end of the world. By his side is the love of his life Hannah, who holds his hand through the uneasy tides of crumbling social structures, horrifying monsters and evil villains.

Complaints about the story were rampant as the heroine of the novel was deemed “useless” with no discernable skills, often getting kidnapped and wreaking havoc for Eric to clean up after. Unable to balance the two main leads, the author finally gave up and never finished the story, leading to the world’s instability and eventual destruction.

                                                                               The Author’s wish, and your mission, consists of two parts: First, help the heroine develop into a well-rounded character, able to stand on her own two feet instead of a two dimensional plot device designed to give the hero problems to solve. Second, help humanity establish a good foundation for a new society, leaving the story on a high note with hope for defending against the zombies.

**** DO YOU ACCEPT THIS MISSION?****

I glared at my screen, desperately wishing for a “decline” option.

HELP HUMANITY ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION?!!! HOW LONG IS THAT GOING TO TAKE??

I let out a sad moan, leaning against the broken car and staring up at the dull grey sky with a hopeless gaze.

How long do I have to live in this world and go without a hot shower?

I clicked Accept, my finger stabbing the screen angrily, accomplishing nothing other than a sore fingertip. The memories of my character rushed in, the splitting pain and confusion passing quickly as I accepted them with ease.

“… Well, I guess it could be worse.”

I was a small side character in this story, the spoiled princess of the hero’s group that caused trouble. Upon joining up with their team, she would constantly complain, wishing for luxury and pampering in a world where survival was the only priority. She was tolerated as she had brought with her a large bag of supplies from her family’s mansion, as well as an antique sword that she had taken off the wall as she left, but the goodwill of the hero and his friends quickly ran dry in the face of her spoiled personality and increasingly ridiculous demands.

Finally after several years and multiple fights, her character was kidnapped along with Hannah, the heroine. The hero was forced to choose one to save, and selected his loved one without hesitation. Even at the end her character believed she was too important to be killed, threatening her captors right up until they threw her into a pit of zombies.

It seemed as if I had started this world right after my character had abandoned her first team. They had gotten into a fight with a roaming bandit group, (which explained my current injuries) during which my character had escaped, leaving her teammates behind.

As the story moved on she would then meet up with the hero and his camp, joining and staying alongside them until her untimely demise.

Unfortunately it looks like one of the hero’s companions was a friend of this character, which will make it difficult to explain the large difference in the personality… Rubbing my headthoughtfully as I considered the problem, I finally gave up and sighed. Oh well, the apocalypse changes people, they’ll just have to accept it.

The phone in my hand vibrated once more, with surprise I glanced down at the new alert.

With your level up, you are able to change your character’s name to one of your choosing. All characters’ memories will be adjusted accordingly.

**** Select a character name? ****

I struggled internally with a sudden childish desire to name my character “ass-licker” or something equally stupid, just for the chance to hear everyone have to say it seriously.

But if I was going to spend a few years in this world… that would get old fast.

I slowly typed out a name, a small smile tugging at the corner of my lips.

“Blaire.”

My favorite world so far.A memory I wanted to keep with me.

I wonder what happened to Liam after I left? Before I could consider that thought too closely, a panicked scream broke the silence of the city.

“HELP!”

Following the distressed sounds, I entered a nearby building. In a large open area filled with broken concrete and other debris, a single young man was cornered by three zombies. He held a metal bar in his hands, which he was swinging wildly, barely keeping the monsters at bay. They were slowly crowding him into a corner, but seemed unable to reach any closer. The man continued swinging, all the while a constant stream of half-intelligible cursing and complaints escaping from his mouth.

“Damned traitor…. Make him regret… snap his neck… no that’s too good for him! … boiling… oil… funnel…!”

For all that this is a life threatening situation, why do I get the feeling he seems… like he’s having fun?

Shaking off the wayward thought, I rushed in, sword drawn, striking the zombies down with a few swings. As their heads tumbled to the ground, I kneeled down, using their shredded clothes to carefully clean the blade. As I looked up, I saw the startled face of the man I saved, and felt a moment of panic.

“Liam?”

After staring silently a few moments, I shook my head sadly

It wasn’t him.

He was older, taller, with a slimmer build. His hair, though a similar dark shade, was longer and roughly cut. His face was not the one in my memories, with a slimmer nose and a more pointed chin, but his eyes… they were the exact same shade of dark blue as Liam in the previous world. It was the eyes that had initially caused me to call out, the amused light in them so familiar it was as if he were still right in front of me.

But he wasn’t. I had left that world, and therefore Liam, behind.

“I’m sorry, I mistook you for someone else.”

The man shook his head, his face still pale with shock. “Don’t be sorry! You saved my life!”  He walked forward, holding out a trembling hand to shake. “I’m so glad you showed up when you did!”

I took his hand, trying to smile comfortingly. “Happy to help. Are you going to be okay? How’d you end up here all alone?”

“I got separated from my… friends.” He looked at me closely. “You’re such a strong person, I would have died without you!  I know I’m weaker than you, and might be a burden but… would you… be willing to let me tag along until we get to camp?”

Poor guy, he still looks terrified.I patted him on the shoulder. “Of course.”

He sighed with relief. “Thank you. You’re my hero!”

I laughed at that. “Just call me Blaire.”

“I’m William! But you can call me Liam.”

“Liam?” I paused, unable to hold back from asking.  “I’m sorry… but… have we met before?”

“Hmm… Unfortunately no, I would have definitely remembered you. But perhaps we were fated to meet?” His eyes were clear as he spoke, without any recognition. I frowned.

It can’t be the same person… but he’s just as weird as Liam from the other world, that’s for sure. Unable to shake the sense of familiarity, I sheathed my sword and gestured for him to follow.

“Let’s go.”

“Of course, savior of my life! I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth!”

“… Just to the camp is fine.”

As we stepped out into the street we were immediately confronted by the sight of a large group of tough-looking, scarred men, each carrying multiple weapons. As I tensed up, my hand on my sword hilt, the closest man in the group spotted us, his eyes lighting up with excitement.

“BOSS! You’re still alive!”

I glanced back at Liam, who looked mildly annoyed.

“Boss! We killed the traitor and brought back the weapons he stole from you!”

Tossing out a duffel bag, the zipper was open enough to spot multiple guns, grenades and other deadly weapons.

“…”

“…”

We all stared at the bag in silence for a few moments.

“Boss?” I finally asked.

He gave an awkward grin. “It’s just a friendly nickname.”

“So I’m guessing you won’t need my protection on the way to the nearest camp.” Feeling mildly disappointed, I stepped away, preparing to leave. Only to pause at Liam’s panicked shout.

“Wait, no!” He stepped closer, waving his arms frantically. “I definitely need your protection! These guys are just joking! I’m actually quite a weakling, and desperately need someone strong like you to look after me.”

“What are you saying boss?” One of the goons interrupted. “You’re probably the most deadly man alive…”

THUD

A stone flew through the air, striking the man between the eyes, and knocking him to the ground.

“Shut. Up.” Liam hissed,

“OUCH! That hurt!”

“Now you tell this beautiful woman who saved my life and has promised to protect me how weak and helpless I am!”

The large muscular men all turned towards me, terror in their eyes.

“Boss is the weakest!”

“Definitely weak!”

“He needs protection!”

“He’d die without you!”

“…” I gave Liam a look. Do you really think I’d buy this?

His response was a shameless smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t drag you down! I’ll cook for you!”

“…”

“Run errands!”

“…”

“Do housework!”

I finally spoke up. “Really? You’d do all that?”

“Yes, I…”

“You can’t expect the Boss to act like a servant!!” One of the men burst out angrily, only to fly back as another stone struck him in the face. Another burly, scarred thug took his place.

“Ahem. What my friend meant to say is, Boss is highly skilled in all of these tasks. He’s great husband material!”

Liam gave the man a thumbs up. “Shark, you’re a smart fellow. You’ve just been promoted to my new right hand man!”

“Thanks Boss!”

“Now take care of things while my life savior and hopefully future wife escorts me back!” He grabbed the duffel bag, offering the contents to me before choosing a small handgun and a grenade for himself and handing the rest to Shark.

The man took the remaining weapons with a terrifying smile. “Definitely!” With a sharp whistle, he and the other men quickly turned around and ran away, dragging the injured man who had protested Liam taking on cleaning duties behind them.

“…” I watched this all with confusion. How did the title of future wife get added on to a simple request to escort him to camp?I almost told him to go away, but hesitated. Faced with his almost puppy-like look of anticipation I swallowed the words I was about to say, helplessly turning back in the direction of the hero’s camp. “Let’s go.”

__________________________

We traveled together for a few days, and I found Liam to be an entertaining companion. At each stop he would light a fire, cook a meal, and arrange the camp. Any offers to help were met with stiff resistance.

“You’re the one doing me the favor.” He answered once with a smile. “I’m just trying to support you!”

“…”

“You know…” He added nervously. “If you think that I’m useful… I’d be happy to work for you full time in exchange for your protection.”

“…”

“For example, if we got married it would be super convenient to bring me along as your support husband.”

I sighed quietly, rubbing my head. “You know we’ve only known each other three days right?”

“The great thing about that concern is that it becomes less relevant the longer we’re together!” He grinned briefly, before putting on a serious expression.

“You asked me once if we met before… and even though I know we haven’t I can’t shake the feeling that I know you. As if there’s a voice shouting from the depths of my soul, telling me that if I lose you I’ll regret it forever, but if I can stay by your side I’ll be the happiest man alive.”

I couldn’t help but shake my head. He reminds me so much of Liam spouting his minion nonsense. But if he’s the same person… how did he follow me here?

“By the way… if you thought that sounded poetic, I would like to add ‘well-spoken’ and ‘artistic’ to the lists of attractive traits that I bring to the table as a potential husband or even just a good lackey.”

“…” Let’s just ignore him and get to camp as soon as possible.

__________________________

We arrived at the camp. Fortunately our path had been fairly clear, we met very few zombies on our way. As we walked up to the camp entrance, and attractive man and woman met us, their expressions somewhat guarded.

“Who are you and why are you here?” The man called out.

I paused a good distance away to avoid seeming to threatening, and studied him closely. He looked to be in his mid twenties, with close-cropped hair and classically handsome features. He had a gun at his hip, and a knife close to his hand, obviously ready to respond to any danger.

Smells like a male lead.

I held up my hands, showing that they were empty of weapons and tried to appear friendly.

“I’m Blaire. I’ve recently split from another roaming group and was hoping to join your camp here.” I carefully put my backpack of supplies on the ground and opened it, showing off the contents. “I’ll share some of my supplies. I’m also decent with a sword, and can add to your fighting force.”

The man looked both me and the bag over carefully. “I’m Eric.” He finally spoke up, his expression slightly more relaxed. He pointed at Liam who still stood next to me. “Who’s your friend?”

“I’m Liam, her lackey!” He announced before I could say something. “Also hopeful suitor.”

“Are you joining as well?”

“Of course!”

I glanced over at him. “What about your gang?”

“What gang?”

“…”

“… Those punks you met earlier? They’ll be fine.”

I sighed and turned back towards the hero of the story. “So what’s your answer?”

He watched us both, obviously thinking carefully. “On a trial basis.” He turned around, carefully protecting the delicate young woman next to him. She was petite, barely coming up to Eric’s shoulder, and had a fair complexion already turning red in the sun. Her eyes were large with an innocent light in them, as she stared at me with a nervous look.

This must be Hannah, our heroine. She definitely seems… easy to kidnap. So helping her become a well-rounded character is mission number one, huh? I followed behind them, my mind racing with plans to help turn her into a force to be reckoned with in this post-apocalyptic wasteland.

This is going to be fun!I rubbed my hands together, a villainous laugh escaping me.

Liam poked my arm, whispering. “Blaire, although I personally think your evil laugh is wonderful, and I could listen to it all day… I feel like I should warn you that you’re scaring the young girl over there.”

I paused, catching Hannah’s terrified expression, and tried to give her a reassuring smile. In response her face turned even more pale under her sunburn, and she hugged Eric tightly as if wanting to escape.

“Was my smile that terrifying?” I leaned over towards Liam and asked quietly.

“I’m the wrong person to ask. I find your strength and ability to intimidate the masses vastly reassuring.”

“Thanks… I guess.”

I followed the lead characters into the camp silently, Liam following close behind me.

It was time to save the story.

And… hopefully find a way to shower.

[purplehairedwonder]

Hearts With(out) Chains Chapter 4

Fandom: One Piece Rating: PG-13 Pairings: Gen (eventual Lawlu) Words: 3532 Characters: Trafalgar Law, Donquixote Doflamingo, Diamante, Bepo, Shachi, Penguin, Jean Bart, Ikkaku, Clione, Uni, OC Heart Pirates Note: I’m taking my turn at the Corazon!Law AU because my brain won’t leave me alone until this is written down. Tags will be updated as the chapters come out.

The story title is based on the Ellie Goulding song “Hearts Without Chains.”

Thank you to @ninhaoma-ya for this incredible piece of art featuring Law and Violet, inspired by this fic!

Summary: Law is reclaimed by the Family when he’s 17 and, with Doflamingo holding the lives of his crew as collateral for his good behavior, eventually becomes the third Corazon. Years later, trapped by his impossible situation, Law can’t help but resent Monkey D. Luffy for offering a glimpse of something he’s repeatedly had ripped away from him: hope.

Previous chapters: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3

Read also at AO3 / FF.N

Law was on his feet before he even realized he’d moved, barely hearing the Colosseum erupting into cheers at Gatz’s announcement over the blood rushing in his ears. So, this was the true punishment Doffy had come up with for Law’s insubordination…

It was always an affair worthy of attention when members of the Family fought in the Colosseum, and every member of an executive’s crew fighting would be the event of the season. Law could feel Doffy’s and Diamante’s eyes on him.

“Is there a problem, Corazon?” Doflamingo’s voice was deceptively calm.

“This is—”

“The consequences of your actions.”

Law shook his head. “It’s too far,” he rasped. They could be killed. This wasn’t their agreement.

“No.” Law stiffened at Doflamingo’s frigid tone and forced himself to look at the other man. “The stunt you pulled at Marineford was too far. If you were anyone else—” The king cut himself off abruptly. He shook his head. “Consider this a mercy, Corazon. After all, this way your crew,” he said, sneering the word, “will be in control of their fates, not me.” His features tightened. “Now. Sit. Down.”

Law hissed as strings pulled him back into his chair, wrapping around his chest and wrists, securing him in place. His hands were pressed tightly into the armrest, preventing him from opening a Room. He clenched his jaw, furious.

“What’s wrong, Corazon?” Diamante mocked. “Afraid they’ll lose? The crew of the Family’s second-in-command shouldn’t be so weak as to lose to some common criminals.”

“Fuck off, Diamante,” Law snarled.

Doflamingo chuckled. “Now, now. Let’s enjoy the show, shall we?”

Law was able to do little more than stew in his impotent fury as Gatz announced the first pairing, much to the crowd’s delight.

-----

Bepo stood next to Shachi and Penguin in the preparation room, eyes on the projection from the video Den Den Mushi. Kurage had just gone out for the first match. The video feed, as it waited for the arrival of the fighters, panned around the Colosseum, pausing on the king’s box.

“Captain,” Bepo exhaled when he saw Law sitting next to Doflamingo and Diamante. Though Law’s features were carefully neutral, Bepo had known Law long enough to recognize the tension in his rigid frame and the murder in his golden eyes as he glared out from the box.

“The way he’s sitting,” Penguin said as the feed moved away. “It looked off. Like…”

“Like strings were holding him?” Shachi replied.

Penguin nodded, and Bepo considered this. They all knew they were being forced to fight in the Colosseum to punish Law for his actions at Marineford; their lives were the collateral Doflamingo kept to ensure Law’s good behavior, so when Law acted out, the Hearts faced the worst of the consequences. But they also knew their captain and trusted him.

Law had saved Bepo all those years ago on Swallow Island (ironically from Shachi and Penguin) even when he had his own problems, and Bepo had loved his friend ever since. He knew Shachi and Penguin felt the same after Law had rescued them not long after Bepo. Law had saved all the Hearts in their own ways—Jean Bart wasn’t the only freed slave on their crew—and had their love and loyalty as a result.

They all knew Law had a good heart and felt things deeply, though he’d prefer others think he had no heart at all. So, if he’d been compelled to save Straw Hat by something he couldn’t explain, well, Bepo wasn’t going to question that. As a mink, Bepo felt connected to the earth and knew better than to ignore messages from her. (It had been a similar type of compulsion, one tugging at his chest in a way that he couldn’t explain, that had pushed Bepo to go looking for Zepo; but once he’d found Law, he realized he’d found where he was supposed to be all along.)

No, Bepo didn’t have a problem fighting for his captain, in the Colosseum or anywhere. None of the Hearts did.

“Doflamingo won’t let him interfere in our matches,” Bepo said.

“He needs to be careful,” Penguin said with a sigh. “He’s on thin ice already. If he pulls anything else…”

“We’ll just have to make sure he has no reason to do anything stupid,” Shachi said determinedly. Bepo and Penguin nodded in return. They’d win their fights and make sure their captain didn’t have to worry.

-----

The first couple of matches ended fairly quickly, with Kurage and Masu taking only a few glancing blows before putting their opponents down for good. Their opponents had clearly been overmatched, though Law wondered whether Diamante was underestimating his crew when he set the matchups or if he had something else up his sleeve. The crowd cheered for Law’s men, though some jeered in the hope of seeing members of the Family brought down.

Ikkaku was next, and Law glared daggers at Diamante when her opponent was revealed as a burly man who’d been charged with domestic violence. Diamante’s smirk in reply told him that had been entirely on purpose—because he was a son of a bitch.

Law’s engineer hadn’t come into the crew as a fighter, so Penguin had been teaching her to fight with a bo staff, which she now twirled expertly in the ring. She used the speed and agility her smaller stature allowed her to elude her opponent, striking him sharply with her staff, driving him toward the edge of the ring. Ikkaku swung her staff again at her opponent, but he grabbed it in midair and yanked, pulling Ikkaku off-balance. She yelped in surprise.

Law inhaled sharply as Ikkaku took a glancing blow to the cheek as she stumbled. She hit the ground but quickly rolled and kicked her opponent in the shins. He stumbled but lashed out, kicking Ikkaku in the gut. Ikkaku doubled over; Law momentarily surged against the strings holding him, feeling their sharp edges digging into his skin, before realizing she was feigning her distress as she grabbed her staff from the ground with sure hands. Once her opponent lumbered within striking distance, she swung her staff at his ankles. He stumbled, and Ikkaku jumped to her feet, smashing him hard in the back so he went over the edge of the ring into the moat full of carnivorous fish. The water turned red moments after the man went in. Law let out a relieved breath, relaxing back into his chair, as Ikkaku left the ring.

The crowd roared at a woman defeating an abuser, amped up by Gatz’s dramatic commentary to that effect. Doffy, for his part, smirked approvingly at the bloodshed. He always considered the bloodiest matches to be the best.

Kani fought next, a sword-fighting duel against a rebel against the Family. Kani was stronger, but his opponent was faster, so Kani took several superficial wounds as well as a deeper cut to his arm that bled freely before he dispatched his opponent with a stab to the gut.

Ashika, whose weapon of choice was a spear, took on an accused thief who fought with two short swords. Theirs was a match of agility, both fighters moving quickly around the ring, stabbing and parrying, parrying and stabbing. Ashika eventually slapped one of the thief’s swords out of his hand, leaving him with one blade. The thief slashed out in a growl, cutting Ashika’s chest and stealing the air from Law’s lungs as he watched.

Ashika dropped to a knee, one hand going to the bleeding wound. The thief took the opportunity to retreat and recover his lost blade from across the ring. That was a fatal mistake, as Ashika hurled the spear, taking the man in the throat and sending him toppling over into the water.

“Your men are doing the Family proud,” Doffy commented to Law as Clione made his way into the ring.

Law contemplated ignoring the comment but decided not to push it. They were fighting well, as Law knew they would. He was proud of his crew. “Thank you.”

Clione fought another thief, his sword against the thief’s. They traded blows as they circled the ring. Clione took a nasty gash to the thigh but dispatched his opponent after a few more frenzied exchanges, ducking a swipe at his head and slashing the thief’s neck. The thief crumpled, gurgling blood.

Iruka came next, quickly defeating his opponent with his short sword. Like Kurage’s and Masu’s opponents, Iruka’s was clearly outmatched. Law knew Diamante wouldn’t make Law’s crew look good on purpose, so it was likely he was underestimating them—which was serving to make them look even better to the gathered Dressrosans. Law, despite his fury and concern, took a small measure of satisfaction at that.

Uni took to the ring with his staff against a man convicted of multiple assaults. The man countered Uni’s staff with a spear, and the two tested each other at first then clashed more seriously. Uni gave better than he got, though when he dodged a jab, the assaulter stuck a foot out and knocked Uni off-balance. Uni stumbled and took the spear to his shoulder. He cried out, and Law’s grip on his armrests tightened.

But the assaulter took too long pulling the spear from Uni’s shoulder, and Uni pushed through the pain to swing his staff and catch the man in his midsection. He gasped and doubled over. Uni rose to his feet and swung his staff overhanded, sending his opponent to the ground with a loud crack. Uni hobbled out of the ring after his victory, trailing blood.

Jean Bart caught the crowd’s attention as the newest addition to the Hearts. Even Doflamingo leaned forward in interest at Law’s latest recruit. Jean Bart entered the ring without a weapon, clearly preferring to use his size and strength to his advantage. Diamante had clearly underestimated Jean Bart, as his opponent was utterly dwarfed by the former pirate captain. He was outclassed too, as Jean Bart easily disarmed his opponent and knocked him out in two blows.

Doflamingo chuckled as Jean Bart left the ring, crowd thundering in approval, and turned to Law. “And you found him on Sabaody?” Law nodded. Doflamingo knew Law had more than one freed slave on his crew, but Law had never made a point of mentioning his tendency to free Celestial Dragon slaves when the opportunity arose, and Doflamingo never asked despite his heavy presence in the slave trade. “Impressive. He certainly lives up to his reputation.”

Shachi followed, and Law felt a sense of foreboding as it was time for his original crewmates to fight—the ones he’d known since he was 13. Diamante would give them the biggest challenges because of that.

Armed with his favorite katana, Shachi eyed his challenger—another rebel against the Family forced to fight in the Colosseum—with some wariness, since he was much larger than Shachi and also wielded a blade. Still, Shachi knew how to handle his sword, and he was clearly confident as the match started.

Shachi and his opponent traded experimental strikes, seeking out one another’s styles and weaknesses. Despite the size difference, Shachi evenly matched his opponent’s strikes without too much effort. They circled each other, and Law tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as the sword exchanges became more serious, had more lethal intent behind them.

Shachi drew first blood, nicking his opponent’s arm on a passing sweep. His opponent growled and redoubled his efforts. Startled, Shachi was initially pushed several steps backward toward the edge of the ring, but he used his smaller size and greater speed to duck under his opponent’s next strike and move back to the center of the ring. They exchanged additional strikes, swords clanging their challenge over the cheers and jeers of the crowd.

Shachi continued to dance around his challenger, much to the other man’s obvious frustration. After another dodged swing, the challenger snarled. He said something then, and it had an obvious effect on Shachi, who balked. The larger man took advantage and swung his fist, punching Shachi in the face.

Law cursed as Shachi stumbled. The opponent raised his sword as he advanced toward the staggering man. Shachi barely had time to throw up an arm defensively as the sword came down—

And tore through his left arm above the elbow.

Shachi screamed as he fell backward while his severed arm dropped, bloody, to the ring. His sword clattered to the ground next to him. The sound ran Law through as effectively as a blade. The crowd howled its approval, but Law could barely hear them as his wife eyes focused on his fallen friend. No no no.

Diamante was cheering while Doflamingo hummed, clearly entertained by the bloody spectacle in the ring at the expense of one of Law’s oldest friends.

Shachi writhed on the ground, his remaining hand wrapped around the gushing stump. He needed medical attention, and he needed it now. But the match continued as Shachi’s opponent advanced on him. Law pushed against the strings holding him to his chair, helpless. He froze as Shachi stilled, and for a moment, Law thought he had passed out. That would get him killed.

The opponent raised his sword to bring it down on Shachi, but as he lunged forward to take the killing strike, Shachi moved with a ferocious cry, grabbing his sword with his remaining arm and stabbing upward, halting his foe’s downward momentum with the tip of his blade. The other man spasmed and dropped his blade before going limp and falling against Shachi’s side.

Law slumped back into his seat, heart hammering in his chest.

Doflamingo chuckled. “Well, now that was exciting. Your crew definitely has a flare for the dramatics, Corazon.”

Law remained silent, eyes tracking the medics who took both Shachi’s and the challenger’s bodies out of the ring on stretchers. They grabbed Shachi’s amputated arm as well. Law wanted nothing more than to form a Room and meet them in the infirmary; he was his crew’s doctor, after all. And with his Fruit, he could reattach Shachi’s arm. But that wouldn’t be allowed until all the matches were done, Law knew.

Penguin entered the ring, clearly shaken by what had just happened to his best friend. He swallowed and glanced up at the king’s box. Despite the distance, Law knew Penguin was looking at him. Law clenched his jaw, tamping down on his own panic and guilt, and nodded. Just fight. Look after yourself. We’ll take care of him. I’ll take care of him.

That seemed to be enough for Penguin, who nodded in return and twirled his staff expertly, spinning it twice before bringing it to rest alongside him. The rest of his body stilled in preparation for the fight. His opponent was twice his size but lasted about as long as Jean Bart’s opponent had. The moment his opponent hit the ground with a crash, Penguin had marched out of the ring back toward Shachi.

Bepo, as Law’s first mate, was set to fight last. It was clear he was just as disturbed as Penguin by Shachi’s fall. However, he also knew it was time to prove why he was Law’s second. He, like Penguin, looked up at Law and nodded in determination. He needed nothing but his own claws and mink electro to quickly dispatch his own challenger. Like Penguin, he marched out of the ring immediately after felling his foe, ignoring Gatz’s excited commentary about his unique abilities.

-----

“See to your men, Corazon,” Doflamingo said once the commotion had died down, flicking his wrists to retract the strings holding Law to the chair. His message had been sent, so there was no point in extending this, after all.

Shakily, Law pushed himself to his feet. “Young Master,” he said with a small bow, doing his best to keep his tone even and deferential. Message received.

Law raised a hand and opened a Room, sending it down below the Colosseum. Once he found the infirmary, he cast about his Room for an appropriate object until—

He switched places with a roll of gauze, popping into the infirmary. The nearby staff yelped in surprise, but the Hearts just looked up wearily and nodded in greeting at their captain. Law took a moment to assess the situation. His crew—who Law made sure had some working medical knowledge in case he was ever out of commission—was spread around the infirmary, and some of the less injured members like Ikkaku and Iruka were helping others. Nurses were stitching more serious wounds, like the gash on Clione’s thigh and the stab through Uni’s shoulder.

They were hurt, but they were alive.

At the far side of the infirmary, Bepo, Jean Bart, and Penguin stood alongside a doctor and a nurse around a cot that Law could only assume held Shachi.

“Captain!” Bepo all but wailed once he caught sight of Law.

Law marched over to the cot. Shachi was unconscious, likely having passed out from pain and shock. The doctor was wrapping up the stump on Shachi’s arm while the nurse hooked him up to a drip of pain medication. The wound had already been cauterized and stitched up. Shachi had also been hooked up to an IV for a blood transfusion.

Your fault. Your fault. Your fault, Law’s brain accused as he stepped up next to Bepo. Swallowing against his guilt, he summoned a Room. It might have been his fault that this happened, but he could also do something about it.

“I’ll take over here,” Law told the doctor hoarsely. “Look after the others.”

“Yes, Corazon,” the doctor said, bowing away from the cot. The nurse finished setting up the drip then left as well.

Law looked down at the cot, and for a moment he was 13 again on Swallow Island, trying desperately to repair Penguin’s severed arm. He’d been working blindly then, barely recovered from a terminal illness and still learning his Fruit, but he’d done it. Penguin had an impressive scar on his arm but other than some stiffness when they were on winter islands had no issues with mobility.

Law knew far more about both his Fruit and medicine now.

“Where’s his arm?” he asked, already mentally calculating the steps he’d need to take to reattach the limb when it had been so long after amputation. He’d seen the medics take the arm from the ring.

Penguin blinked and exchanged a look with Bepo, who shrugged. He looked back at Law. “I don’t know.”

Narrowing his eyes, Law whirled on the doctors. “Where’s his arm?” he demanded.

The doctor Law had chased away looked up from examining Clione’s wound and took a nervous breath before speaking. “T-the king ordered any severed limbs be disposed of immediately.”

Law’s stomach dropped. Of course he had. There had been two matches after Shachi’s, so there would have been plenty of time to get rid of his arm.

“What did you do with it?”

“B-burned it, sir.”

Law saw red, fury burning hotly in his chest, but he reined himself in with effort; attacking the infirmary staff would be pointless. They were just following Doffy’s orders. He knew Law’s skills were good enough that he could reattach a missing limb—but not if there was no limb to reattach.

Law dropped his Room, realizing there was nothing he could do.

Doffy intended this to be a permanent reminder of Law’s failure—as a subordinate, as a captain, as a friend.

A feeling of helplessness settled over him like an old, familiar cloak; it pulled on his limbs and settled under his skin, curling around his insides. He sank into the chair next to the cot and dropped his face into his hands.

Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.

-----

Bepo kept a careful eye on both Shachi and Law as the afternoon bled into evening. The entire crew had wordlessly agreed to stay until Shachi could be safely brought back to his room, and the doctor wanted him to regain consciousness to assess his state of mind first. The Hearts milled around the infirmary, the wounded members resting while the others read or played cards quietly.

Shachi was completely senseless from the pain medication, but Law…

The moment Law had realized Shachi’s arm was gone with no way to repair it, Bepo had watched something behind his eyes shutter. Law had dropped, boneless, into a chair by Shachi’s cot, face in hands. The next time he looked up, Bepo’s hackles went up; Law’s expression was just… empty.

Just like it had been when he’d shut down after they’d first gotten to Dressrosa seven years earlier.

“C-captain?” Bepo hazarded. And that was when he noticed the bruises around Law’s neck. Oh no.

“What?” Law croaked.

“Are you okay?” Bepo asked, gesturing to his own neck in lieu of explaining.

Law’s face was blank as he replied, “Fine.” Then he closed his eyes and slumped in his chair.

Bepo and Penguin exchanged worried looks. Law wasn’t fine, and they all knew it.

Next chapter

[mysmedrabbles]

RFA Comforting an MC with Terrible Period Pains

requested: by anonymous 

a/n: oh my god the header is a MOOD for this ask. enJOY and hAVE FUN READING THIS therES SO MUCHCOFFEEINMYSYSTEMHHHHH want to support my period-ic writing ayy see what i did there? then feel free to buy me a coffee!

warnings: aside from that terrible pun you just witnessed? n/a

-AAAAAAAARRRGHHHHHH mod alex

Jumin

-he finds you clutching your stomach, sweat beading your forehead as you move from uncomfortable position to uncomfortable position, mastering positions he’d figured only Elizabeth the III could do

-worry creases his forehead as he rushes to your side, touching your side gingerly, almost scared that you’ll crumble under his fingers, but all you do is let out a pained groan, unable to speak as the pounding in your head grows louder with each stab through your gut

- “mC aRe YoU dYiNg???” 

-through pained gesturing, he finally understands that you’re not dying, just going through a torture worse than death

-has no idea what to do, just lays down with you, holding your hand and rubbing soothing circles on your back

-as soon as you finally fall asleep, he’s calling the doctor, wanting a professionals opinion on how best to lessen your pain

-poor doctor in his mind is probably like, “you,,,could have looked this up,,, on your phone,, that you used,,, to call me,,,,,,,, at 1 IN THE MORNING”

-he feels awkward, not being able to help you with more than a hot bottle on your stomach and keeping you company, running his hands through your hair and massaging your temples as he sits with you, helping you the only way he knows how, by rambling about the stock market

-at some point you tune out what he’s saying, focusing on his voice and the comforting patterns hes tracing on your skin

-you can bet that he buys you the most expensive german chocolate, anything that you want, anything you crave will be imported right away and be on your front doorstep the next morning

-he most likely has a calendar app on his phone where he keeps approximate track of your cycle so that he’s always prepared to give you extra special attention and care

-when he goes on business trips that last longer than a week, he has a box specifically made, kind of like a care package containing but not limited to:

-the finest chocolate (10 different kinds! with a surplus of your favourite!)

-those emergency hospital crack-and-place heat packets, good to keep on your lower back and uterus 

-oranges and broccoli (though these tend to be in the fridge)

-with a small note on how much he loves you and will see you tonight on call, telling you to take care of yourself and leaving the doctors phone number in case of an emergency 

Jaehee

-she KNOWS the pain,, she K N O W S 

-im not saying that at some point your cycles start happening at the same time, but thats exactly what I’m saying (i have no idea how this happens irl but it does and?? idk its odd)

-so generally the two of you are sitting home together, laying sprawled on the couch, 4 Ibuprofen between the two of you as you watch Zen’s old musicals, watching Jaehee sleepily hum along as she holds you against her chest, stroking your hair and bringing up your hand to her mouth, kissing your knuckles as the two of you fall asleep together 

-she knows you have a harder time than her when your period rolls around, so she has a tendency to insist that you don’t stress yourself out at work, keeping you mostly behind the counter where you’re not carrying hot liquids for too long. 

-helping you out whenever she can, hugging you from behind as you struggle to stand on your feet, giving you momentary support as she takes the cup from your hands, instructing you to sit down

-no one has ever seen her so lenient with someone when it comes to work

-you log onto the server to gush about Jaehee, posting pictures of her running around at work, helping customers, “ThAtS mY wIFe Y’aLL”

-she has a special coffee brew that she only breaks out when you’re in severe pain, added her secret ingredient (which she refuses to tell you about) that somehow make everything better 

-practically begging her to judo kick you in the spine because goddamnit it hurts so bad (she doesn't, opting for a soothing massage instead)

-kisses and cuddles galore, she puts the care in “caring for you,” to the point where she doesn't complain about her own mediocre periods upon seeing just how bad the pain is with you (please take care of her anyways she deserves the best)

Yoosung

-listen,, this boy grew up with sisters and a mother, he’s practically a pro when it comes to helping you out

-the second he sees you rush into the restroom in a panic, he’s already getting the pill bottle and hot bottle out, doing the bed the way you like it and pulling out your favourite blanket and warm stuffed animal 

-insists to take care of you the whole time, and is willing to skip school to stay home with you,, its only after threatening him from the bed, wagging your finger weakly at him does he actually go, however he’s one to send you worrying text messages through the whole day, and silly photos of a leaf he saw or a funny cat meme

-he cooks for you like theres no tomorrow, and is always extremely apologetic when he gets home an hour later than normal due to grocery shopping, only to find you having finally fallen asleep, stuffed animal discarded neatly on the bedside table, hugging his pillow instead

-his eyes soften, heartrate slowing down as he gazes on your sleeping form

-trying his best not to disturb you, he tiptoes out of the room, getting your favourite dinner ready, and trying his best to make something with your preferred chocolate

-you hobble out of the room sleepily, the smell of food drawing you to the kitchen

-he’ll immediately drop everything, running to you as he helps you to a chair, chiding you for getting up and straining yourself when you could have just called for him

-playing video games together lazily, him joking that he should let you win, but this just drives you to beat his ass in mariokart, absolutely demolishing him with no mercy

-he sits there shell shocked as you sit next to him grinning 

Seven 

-he’s versed in over five languages, survived the worst years of his life, is number one in the Shooting Star Server, the best hacker on the planet, and yet he has no preparation on how to help you through periods

-he knows the basics, but seeing you in such pain makes him rethink everything he thought he knew

-he sees you constantly shifting, arching your back in a vain attempt to crack it, crack any bone for momentary relief, and decides this is his time to shine and help you somewhat

-he gives the best back massages, working the pressure points on your lower back, and getting out all the knots in your shoulders, pressing kisses to your shoulder blades as he goes along, fingers working on the entirety of your back.

-shares his Honey Buddha Chips with you, even letting you take three or more bags, as long as you promise to not waste any that is.

-keeps you away from spicy foods, dairy and phD pepper, his technical knowledge had gotten him that far at least, and even though you’re more than happy to eat junk food for a week straight, for the first time ever he insists on eating better, giving you foods such as salmon and oranges,, only after heavy persuasion and multiple times of you threatening him does he let you have chocolate 

-he stays with you the whole time, making sure you’re laughing and taking care of yourself, trying his best to ease the pain with terrible terrible jokes and horrible Saeran impressions

-he knows that you dont like having a heating pad on your stomach because its so weird barely being able to move and having to stay in one place, so he places his laptop on your stomach, letting it overheat on your pelvic area as the two of you play fireboy and watergirl

Zen

-before we start i just wanna say Zen is 100% the type of guy who would hold no disgust or immature “ew thats icky”type attitude to the thought of buying his s/o menstrual products and he looks down on any man that does have that attitude

-he’s not quite versed in how to help you, but he’s a fast learner, and would rather rely on your own reactions to his help and seeing what works for you as opposed to just asking the void that is the internet what is supposed to help

-he’s one to carry you everywhere while you’re on your period, not letting you strain yourself for fear you’ll get off balance, fall and hurt yourself, and he’s constantly referencing you as his prince(ss), even more than usual

-singing you to sleep, letting his melodious voice wash over you as he holds you close, letting his natural body warmth keep you warm

-strokes your hair as you lay down, exhausted from all the pain, your body physically not able to stay awake anymore, practically blacking out

-if you cry, he’ll hold you, massaging your back and whispering soft comforts in your ear, but inside he’s pained by the distress this is causing you, and is mainly frustrated that he can’t do more

-sometimes he wakes up early in the morning to go for a jog or get breakfast for the two of you, and he’ll leave multiple sticky notes with sweet messages, ensuring that he’ll be back soon and to take it easy until he’s back home

-this man with Refuse to let you strain yourself in Any way, and will drop Everything to run over if he sees you so much as bending over to pick up something, practically throwing himself over the dropped item and insisting to pick it up for you

[tswiftdaily]

TAYLOR SWIFT: 30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

ONE: I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

TWO: Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

THREE: Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching. 

FOUR: I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

FIVE: Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

SIX: I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

SEVEN: My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

EIGHT: I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

NINE: I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

TEN: I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

ELEVEN: Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

TWELVE: Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

THIRTEEN: It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

FOURTEEN: When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

FIFTEEN: Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

SIXTEEN: Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey. 

SEVENTEEN: After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

EIGHTEEN: Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

NINETEEN: Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

TWENTY: Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

TWENTY-ONE: Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

TWENTY-TWO: How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

TWENTY-THREE: I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

TWENTY-FOUR: I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

TWENTY-FIVE: I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

TWENTY-SIX: I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

TWENTY-SEVEN: I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

TWENTY-EIGHT: I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

TWENTY-NINE: I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

THIRTY: My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE

[pullingthroughthefog]

Finally worked up the strength and the introspect to do this. I have been needing to put pen to paper for so long, and somehow I have continued to avoid it for more than 2 years. 2 years of silently suffering through what has been the biggest personal crisis in my life thus far. I am 34 years old. I was 32 when my husband made the decision to have an emotional affair. At that point, we had been married for 2 years only, and had a 1 year old daughter. Barely.  Our love story is a classic one. We knew each other for years, but both had different partners. And again. And again. Until one time we both found ourselves single and we instantly got together. It was crazy and passionate and fantastic. We were together for a year when we popped the question, and almost 2 years after that, we got married. 3 Months after our wedding, I became pregnant with our daughter. 

My pregnancy was a tough one. I didn’t particularly enjoy it, I had a lot of aches, I gained an enormous amount of weight, and I was supremely unhappy. Tie that to a shitty birthing experience, and being severely sleep-starved for the first couple of months after having her, we were definitely going through our first crisis as a married couple. I certainly was on a personal level. I was not able to cope with night wakeups and feeds after spending the entire day looking after my crying colicky baby. I was destroyed. My husband recognized this, and soon took over all the night duties relating to our baby, and then catching up on his sleep in the wee morning hours when I would get up with the little one. Then he would go to work. And rinse and repeat. This went on for months. I’m not sure how many. 4-6 months. 

I hated being on maternity leave. I took care of my baby’s needs and made sure she was well-fed, diapered and never needed for anything, but I was restless. I absolutely loathed being at home, never getting the opportunity to take a shower, to decompress, to be just by myself without having to constantly put another persons needs over my own. Being selfish and ego-centered for so many years beforehand doesn’t exactly leave you with the best foundation to suddenly become another person’s servant 24/7. My needs were non existent. Well that’s not true. My needs were many, but in the grand scheme of things, they didn’t matter.

In the weekends though, we thrived. Taking shifts to be with the little one, spending family time together, going out for walks, taking her with us to the café. Everything was working in the weekends, and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. It reminded me of what we could be, and who we were, aside from the people who incessantly kept track of whose turn it was to suffer with a baby related issue, and how unfair certain things were to each of us. Having a baby makes you a nitpicky monster, and keeping score was number one activity.

When we were nearing the end of my maternity leave which lasted for 9 months, my husband was supposed to take over for 8 weeks. He would start the baby in daycare, and get her used to being there little by little, while also taking time to get to know his daughter, outside of the two hours they got to spend together before her bedtime every day.

I was happy to be back at work. I thrived. I enjoyed being back in the swing of things, washing my hair, putting on makeup and having a sense of purpose. I know that having children for a lot of people is THE biggest sense of purpose, and I guess I can agree to that post the baby stage, but back then, I was just happy to be of service in real world-  where it mattered. I felt like my entire quality of life improved, and I felt my relationship with my husband take a turn for the better as well.

One day when I came home from work, my husband’s phone was on the sofa. He was in the next room changing the baby. A text ticked in from someone called Sara. It said “are you ready to trade in the older model for a new wife”. 

I was absolutely astonished. I showed my husband, and asked him what this was about. He instantly said it was a joke with a co-worker and it meant nothing. He promised that was the end of those conversations, he was going to be appropriate with his colleagues, and that he cherished and appreciated me and our life far too much to ever risk anything.

I made him call her, with me present but without mentioning I was there. He called. And said the reason he was calling was to tell her that, just in case there were any misunderstandings, he wanted her to know that there is nothing between them, they are just colleagues, and they will stay that way. She was hesitant and awkward. She knew i was listening in on it. She said “of course not, I understand”, and they ended the call. 

This was supposed to be the end of it. We decided to shelf it, and that he was going to make better judgements in the future. I decided that he was innocent, but this young girl might have gotten mixed signals, which was an issue, and his problem to correct, which he had done. He went on his knees and promised to never put me in a position to doubt his love and loyalty to our relationship again. 

A few days after, it was my husband’s birthday. I had ordered him a very expensive watch, even against my better judgment from the discovery a few days later. It was the type of expensive that you could buy a car for. 

 I wanted to thank him for being such a great support during my maternity leave, and I knew this watch was something he had dreamed of. He was very happy and I felt even more thrilled and privileged that I was able to buy it for him.

That evening, when the baby was asleep, and we were sitting on the balcony eating dinner, all hell broke loose. He put his phone down on the table, and a Snapchat from Sara rolled in. I was fuming. He continue to reiterate that it was nothing to worry about, just friendly conversations, which completely set me off. We had just agreed to NO private contact with any female coworkers in his off time, and here were were again. He deleted her from Snapchat immediately. Probably as a way to save face, without having to show me their conversation, but he presented it as a favor to me.

Instantly, she messaged him on facebook messenger asking why he had deleted her on snapchat. This raised more flags for me. Why did she notice so quickly that he had deleted her? Was it because she was spending enormous amounts of time writing him? You could delete me off of any social media, and I promise you that unless you are a very close friend, I wouldn’t notice. Years could go by, and I’d be none the wiser. I asked him to give me his phone. I was not backing down. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. He was hesitant and fought me on it, which only spurred me on more. Why was he denying it? Surely he had nothing to hide if she was just a co-worker. He had been diligent on deleting texts, so I went into his work email, and searched for her name.

My heart broke. He was anxiously sitting opposite from me while I had his phone, and looking for any reaction I might have. I tried to hide my facial reactions, while I took all the instant messaging records, and sent them to myself on email to read. I knew it was only a matter of time before he took his phone back out of sheer anxiety and fear. I was right. He took his phone back before I could finish reading and sending everything, in fact I think I only saw a fraction. 

Sara and my husband had been IM’ing each other intimately for weeks. While he was still at work, and after he went on parental leave as well. They were extremely flirty. She was asking him about his wife. He was telling her that we weren’t going to last. That we were only together for the baby. He was asking her to come sit by him in the office. She was asking him to accompany her to parties and concerts. She was confiding in him about personal matters. And he was throwing me under the bus, for this 21 year old intern at his job, where he was a manager and a person who should behave much better than this. 

I was absolutely heartbroken. I read everything through, and completely fell apart. My husband was sitting in the living room, just watching me cry and turn into a shell of a human being. I was weeping. Screaming, Absolutely gut wrenching pain and experiencing the feeling of being stabbed in my heart. He wasn’t going to talk until I calmed down, so he just sat there, listening to me sob and cry until I didn’t have a single tear left.  What completely broke me, was the realization that they day after his birthday, the very morning after we had “solved everything” and he has apologized to me, sincerely, on his knees, he had taken our daughter to daycare, and called her right after. I knew this, because in the messages, he was telling her that another coworker had overheard him talking to her on the car speaker system, and had asked him what that was about. 

I can’t explain how crushing it is to realize that your doting, loving husband is not only having an emotional affair, but he also had the audacity and the heart to promise me that it was NEVER going to happen again, only for it to have happened again, the very next day as soon as he stepped out of the house.

What followed is a long period of sorrow, feeling of loss, emptiness, feeling of despair, anger, complete humiliation and desire to end my marriage, but neither having the strength or the willingness to do so.

2 years after, we are still married. Our marriage has developed into something so broken and awful, that I’ve recently had to look  in the mirror and ask myself where I had gone wrong. Because make no mistake, my husband is the one who screwed up a loving home, but what followed and what has transpired in the 2 years after, is just as much my fault. This is the first time I have found the courage to face myself, and to accept that I also have a huge part to play in the destruction of my marriage in recent years. What was meant to be a period of rebuilding trust and love, has been nothing but a struggle and a mission impossible on both ends. And from where I am standing, this is a last ditch resort at salvaging our marriage and our relationship, or finally coming to accept what is irretrievably broken and finding the courage within me to walk away. 

I will recount the following time in later entries. 

[vicisintoomanyfandoms]

The downsides of being a hero

Read on Ao3

Summary:

“NO, YOU’LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT! WE’LL GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL, THEY’LL SAVE YOU! IN NO TIME, YOU’LL BE WALKING JUST LIKE BEFORE WITHOUT PROBLEMS! YOU’LL BE FLIRTING ME AND TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION AGAIN!” She wished she would’ve believed her own words at the moment.

............................................................................

“Ladybug…...I…...love……….you……….a-and t-tell……...M-Marinette……...t-that……” He hadn’t managed to finish his sentence before his heart stopped from the blood loss.

Notes:

Thank you so much Krisbeecream and Aquamarinarchive for beta reading my fanfiction. You really saved my butt.

This fanfiction is very angsty, so read at your own discretion. If you feel uncomfortable, feel free to drop it. 

Trigger warning:

Angst, blood, major character death

“So Adrien, what do you think about Marinette? Isn’t she cute and perfect?” Plagg asked his holder while blinking innocently.

“Yeah, she’s awesome, but she’s just a friend” 

‘She’s just a friend’ Plagg thought mockingly. The kwami was very tired of this expression, and it took him a lot to hold back his anger.

 “Marinette, are you sure you’re over Adrien?” Tikki knew it was annoying for the girl to hear the same question over and over again, but she wanted Marinette to be happy, and she would’ve done anything for her holder’s happiness.

“Yes, I’m one hundred percent sure I’m over him. All these pictures are just for my designs.”

The little creature was about to say that you don’t just hold inspirational pictures under your bed, but she gritted her teeth and didn’t say anything for the sake of silence.

 “Plagg, we need to do something about them. I can’t just watch them suffering like this. How can you be so indifferent about this?” Tikki said desperately, while the immortal creature put the slice of cheese in his mouth. Tikki simply rolled her eyes.

“I am not indifferent about anything. I just want the kid to smile, but you know very well how oblivious he is. It’s not like we can set them on a date and they’ll suddenly get together.”

The red creature opened her eyes wide at the realization.

“Actually, we can. Plagg, you’re a genius!” She said, amazed, and wrapped her small arms around his cat-like body. 

“We can?” he said, surprised

“Look, this is what we’re going to do,” she whispered in his feline ears the plan, then she looked at him with a small grin.

 Adrien found a note on his desk as he arrived at school. He slowly opened it, finding handwriting that looked pretty similar to his friend’s, only messier.

Dear Adrien,

Meet me at parc today at 3 pm. I need to talk to you about my feelings.

Marinette

He was shocked to see the message of the note but folded it quietly.

It happened just the same to Marinette, except her reaction only showed sadness, because she knew it wasn’t going to end up very well. She had a feeling in her gut that something unpleasant was going to happen.

 When they were both at the meeting place, neither of them dared to say anything. Marinette just looked down at her hands that were sitting there on her lap.

“Adrien,”

“Marinette,’

Both of them called each other at the same time. 

“Ladies first,” Adrien said politely while rubbing his left arm and trying to smile nervously.

“I wanted to ask you, what did you mean on the note when you said you wanted to talk about your feelings?” The model blinked rapidly.

“I’m sorry, what note are you talking about? I didn’t send you any note. You are the one who invited me to come here to talk about how you feel about me.”

“Huh?”

He got the note out of his bag and gave it to her; she did the same thing. They quickly unfolded the papers and read the sentences written on them.

“No way, I never wrote this, and besides, if you were a good friend, you would’ve already known my handwriting is nothing like this”  She said as anger filled her eyes. 

Suddenly, the bakers’ daughter realized who had set up the date, and she gritted her teeth in annoyance.

“Are you accusing me of being a bad friend? I tried almost everything to make you stop running away from me, yet you always do!” Adrien felt his emotions bubbling up. “You never want to talk to me about your life or how you feel. When I read the note, I thought you would finally open up to me! I wanted to be able to support you like you always do to everyone, but you seem to just refuse it every single time!”

“What do you mean, Adrien?” Marinette said, confused but angry

He clenched his fists.

“You are always here when I need help, or anyone else does. You always help others, and I look up to you. I thought I could be like you, awesome in so many ways. Every single time you walk by me I admire everything in you.”

He wasn’t lying. Whenever she was standing in front of him, his heart always went crazy, making him nervous. He loved the way her hair flew in the wind, the way her bluebell eyes would check on everything around her. He loved the way her lips parted when she was about to say something, the way her small waist moved around when she was walking. Adrien adored her small, genuine smile and her gentle touch when she brushed her skin against his, making him feel an electrical connection. He loved every single part of her, but his love for Ladybug blinded him, making him think that it was all just friendly admiration. 

“Wow, Adrien, I had no idea. No one’s ever tried to make that big of a connection with me”.

“You’re wrong,” Adrien said while biting his lip.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re wrong.” He was holding his hands together. “Everyone is trying to help you, you’re just too selfless to see.”

The bakers’ daughter was about to say something, but she couldn’t bring herself to; everything he had said was true. Saving Paris took her a lot of time and energy, and she didn’t get anything back for that. But for her it was enough, seeing safe smiles on their faces couldn’t make her happier. 

Suddenly, they heard many terrifying screams. They knew what was happening immediately, it was another Akumatized victim. The heroes rushed into different hiding places to transform into their alter egos. Hawkmoth knew that if he didn’t start to use more dangerous villains, he would keep losing every single time.

 Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived at the scene; neither of them seemed happy about the Akuma’s power. It could get blades from the ground, which was a great danger to the citizens and heroes. 

The truth was that lately, the heroes had been dealing with more dangerous villains every battle, some of them with deadly powers. A lot of times they made it out barely alive during battles. All these fights were only happening in Paris, which was supposed to be the city of love. Except for the fact that now, it was mostly the city of terror and fear. Love was lost there, it was the last thing that mattered, and the first thing in people’s minds being how to protect themselves from death. The only two people who didn’t fear it were the amazing Ladybug and Chat Noir. Their biggest worry was protecting the people they cared about. Their brains seemed to work the same way in the last three months: the biggest goal being to protect the world and each other.

“Ladybug, Chat Noir, you two and that blonde spoiled brat are doomed. She dared to insult my aiming skills, and the two of you are just a pair of fake heroes who pretend to be saving the world when they could easily just give their Miraculouses to Hawkmoth and end this terror once for all. You two are selfish; you only think about yourselves!” The akumatized victim shouted at them with no shame.

Neither of them seemed to listen to the speech, knowing it was all just Hawkmoth. The teenagers knew why they shouldn’t give their jewelry to the villain. All actions have consequences, and the equilibrium in the universe would be destroyed if a wish was made by the man. 

“I am Bladenizer and I am going to take your Miraculouses and give them to their rightful owner.”

The villain threw some blades at a mother with her child in her arms, but ladybug caught her quickly with her yoyo before she got stabbed. The teen heroine got a small scratch from throwing herself there. 

The black cat split his baton in a half and threw the pieces at Bladenizer, who dodged them like a pro.

“W-what are you?” Chat Noir asked with a terrified look on his face.

“I am an ex-Miraculous holder. I know every single way Miraculouses work, including the fact that you are only teenagers who detransform after using their powers. I know martial arts and my muscles are built up for any fight, so be ready to lose, so-called ‘heroes’” the Akumatized victim’s eyes gave a small glow and then he put a grin on his face.

Many blades came from the ground and one of them went through Ladybug’s hand, breaking some of her bones painfully. The spotted hero hissed in pain while the black cat watched in horror.

“LADYBUG!” he yelled with his full voice, hurting his throat, yet he didn’t care. All he wanted was his lady to be safe, but she got hurt because he couldn’t protect her. 

“Stay back Chat and keep fighting! I’ll be fine.”

She ran to a woman nearby who was waving a piece of material, offering it to Ladybug so that she could stop the bleeding.

It all seemed pointless. They both continued dodging and telling everyone to stay far away from the fight. Luckily, people actually listened to them and didn’t get into the impossible scuffle. 

“I thought you two were useless, but I never thought you would be that easy to defeat. Guess the Guardian is the same as he used to be, terrible at making decisions.”

As he finished his small speech, he made several towering blades appear from the ground. They were nearly mountain-sized, so there was no way the heroes could climb them. It was all over for both of them,, and they knew it. There was no way they could get out of it alive, unless the villain took pity on them. 

Then, unexpectedly, a blade came through Chat Noir’s chest, shattering one of his lungs completely, with the other and his heart being barely touched. Blood was pouring from the wound, making the poor boy unable to move. He screamed in pain, even though he knew it was fruitless. 

Ladybug simply froze; she wasn’t able to say anything or move, as if some unnatural force was holding her from doing so. But it was all in her head, everything was just in her head, right? She was actually dreaming, Chat noir didn’t actually get stabbed, right?

But it was all true. When the realization hit her, the heroine simply rushed to the black cat, hoping that he would be able to survive with her by his side. He took her hand and put on his heart, but she dodged his gentle grip lightly, calling for the lucky charm that she hoped would help her. 

Into her hands dropped a full syringe of a magical sleep serum.

“L-ladybug…... p-please s-stay with m-me,” The boy in the leather catsuit asked the teenage girl who couldn’t refuse his face full of love and hope. 

The ravenette took the green-eyed boy in her hands so that he could be in a comfortable position. She parted her lips, about to say something, but he put his index finger on them.

“Shhh, my lady, if necessary, w-we’ll meet in t-the af-afterlife” he took her hand in his rubbing it gently with his thumb. At this point, they were barely three centimeters apart. The blonde could smell the weak, yet pleasant scent of strawberry shampoo coming off of her. He then coughed up a spatter of blood.

“NO, YOU’LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT! WE’LL GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL, THEY’LL SAVE YOU! IN NO TIME, YOU’LL BE WALKING JUST LIKE BEFORE WITHOUT PROBLEMS! YOU’LL BE FLIRTING ME AND TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION AGAIN!” She wished she would’ve believed her own words at the moment. 

He let go of her hand and cupped her cheek. Every second their faces were closer to each other until he finally, gently, pressed his lips on hers. She could clearly feel a billion butterflies in her stomach. He grabbed her waist and pulled her closer to his body, pressing it against his own. She pulled away, but not from anger or disappointment in her partner, but grief. That’s when she realized that she had always loved him, from the beginning, but, being too blinded by Adrien’s perfection, she wasn’t able to see that.

“Ladybug…...I…...love……….you……….a-and t-tell……...M-Marinette……...t-that……” He hadn’t managed to finish his sentence before his heart stopped from the blood loss. 

“Tell Marinette what? C-Chat Noir. Chat Noir! CHAT NOIIIIIR!” Ladybug screamed in emotional agony for her breathless partner. She hoped he would wake up and flirt with her again. Except he didn't. He couldn’t. He was dead.

“No, y-you’ll pay for that. You heard me? YOU’LL FUCKING PAY FOR THAAAT!” The teenager yelled from her weak throat. She left the black cat’s lifeless body and rushed to the villain, injecting him with the serum the lucky charm gave her. The Akumatized victim fell instantly asleep and Ladybug took the bracelet and broke it. She purified the Akuma that transformed into a white, innocent butterfly.

“Miraculous Ladybug!” Millions of small butterflies flew all around Paris repairing the damage made by the Akuma. After the process was finished, she quickly ran to her friend’s body, hoping he would be healed. Checking his pulse, she slowly fell down on her knees, a crushing weight falling on her heart and a realization coming to her mind: The miraculous couldn’t bring people back from the dead.

Notes:

Thank you very much for reading.

I hope you liked it.

And if you did, please don't forget to join the Miraculous Fanworks discord server here. It's a perfect place for everybody: writers, readers, artists and cosplayers. Feel free to join right now.

We're waiting for you.

[azookiex3]

A Devil’s Love: Chapter 8

AN: I apologize for such long waiting updates! With S5 filming I now have a time limit. I want to get this story through S4 before S5 comes out. I will do my best to get updates out quicker! 

Check out this story's playlist on Spotify! If you do, please read the description so you can see how the songs are organized!

Warnings: Swearing, Animal Deaths, Mentions of blood/painful injuries

AO3 , Fanfiction Net , Wattpad

Tag List: @insanity-is-always-fun @anushay1998 @emiwrites3reads @i-am-canada-13 @heart-of-pots-and-pans @tinyybiceps @jessicarene99

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Chapter 8: Shoot Me Stab Me

"Do you usually snoop through a woman's place?" You say sarcastically. You walk to the couch and plop down next to Lucifer. You sit sideways so you're facing him, and rest your left elbow on the back of the couch and use your hand to rest your head.

"No, but I'd much rather be snooping through your underwear drawer than these-" he shakes the letters in his hand, "atrocious words!"

You sigh, "Lucifer-"

"Have you told anyone about these?"

You look at him like he was being ridiculous, "No, of course not. Why'd you think I hid them?"

"Not even this one?" He holds up one of the letters, and you know exactly which one it is without even having to look.

"'You're going to regret stepping into my business, bitch. Boom.'" Lucifer shakes the paper once more and looks at you with an expression you can only describe as angry/desperate/worried, "Isn't this something you should tell that FBI agent about? He is still working on your bomb case, yes?"

"Yes he is and yes this is something I should have told him as soon as I got it, even the first letter. But Lucifer," you place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze, "There's a reason why I haven't. Not yet." You remove your hand and motion to all the papers he has, "Before I explain see if you can do me a favor. I wrote the time, date, and location on the back when I received these. Can you find any kind of pattern?"

Now he looks at you like you were being ridiculous, but he complies with your request. You watch his eyes read each time stamp with a strong intensity, but slouch your shoulders when you see his face scrunch up.

"That's what I figured." You sigh, "Alright. I was going to wait until we ate buuut I'll explain my theory I talked about in the car now." You start collecting the letters from Lucifer.

"First off, I'm 99% sure Roberto wrote these because of this last one." you hold the bomb threat, "Second, I think the messenger he's using is an inside source. More specifically: someone in my K9 division."

"You know of someone else who could send these kind of words to you?" Lucifer stares at you.

"That's what you gleaned from that?"

"At first yes. If you believe someone else is after you I'd very much like to know."

You sigh and rub your brow, "You don't need to know Lucifer."

"So there is then? Is it someone responsible for you having those nightmarish flashbacks?" He presses on.

"Lucifer, drop it." You say sternly. You both have a stare down. Then Lucifer looks away with an irritated sigh.

"Fine. I'll drop it, for now." He turns slightly on the couch to face you better and rests his clasped hands on his lap, "So, why are you so sure this Roberto fellow is writing these?"

You unclench your jaw and release some air. I got to stop being close to him, "Well, his is the only 'business' I've put myself between."

"And why do you think his inside is in the K9 division?"

"Because it makes sense. How else can a notorious dog fighting boss avoid the authorities so easily? Plus, these letters show up where I'm not or right when I've left." You sigh and place the letters back in the coffee table, "It has to be someone on my team, because I know no regular officer would care about my clinic, and these have only popped up there or at my office in the precinct."

"In a way, he's giving you the message that he's always watching you?" Lucifer says quietly.

You look at him sadly, "Yeah, and after the bomb went off in your club…" You sigh, "I'm really sorry about that by the way."

"Don't." He says sternly and raises a finger at you, "You're not the one that tried to end your life by placing a bomb under your car."

"But if I would have told someone about these letters sooner-"

"You're trusting your gut, K9. Being around the Detective for so long I can tell that's a good thing to do." He gives you a reassuring smile.

You smile back, "Thanks Lucifer. So, you want to help me out again? It seems I can't catch this backstabber myself."

"Help you catch the bloke who swore to protect humans but yet helping in trying to end your life with some dog boy?" His smile has bite in it, "You can count on me, K9. Always."

"Good." You close the coffee table and stand, "But we're eating first. Pizza?"

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"This backstabber better show himself quicker. The Detective is starting to get suspicious of all the time I'm spending here." Lucifer says on the phone to you as he side glances at Chloe inside Ella's lab. 

You and him have been holding this stake out for a week now, and still no sign of the messenger. Lucifer watched the precinct while you stayed at your clinic.

"I told you we should switch it up." You reply to him. He imagines you rolling your eyes while you sit at your desk.

"You're certain you don't want to tell her? Clearly she's not in on it."

"Of course, but Chloe is a damn good detective. If this guy sees that she's hanging around my offices more they'll know what's up." He hears you chuckle lightly, "With you it just seems like you're being a weirdo, as usual."

"I beg your pardon?" Lucifer places a hand over his heart in feign shock. You must have heard it in his voice for you start to laugh. He smiles and settles more comfortably in the chair. His focus returns to your office door.

"Nothing out of the ordinary on your end, I take it?" He asks.

"Besides seeing a body builder bringing in his bunny in fear of her having a cold? Mmm, nope." 

Lucifer sighs, "That's another thing I'm missing! The beautiful men and women in my club. You know, this is the longest I've gone without-"

"Lucifer!" Chloe steps out of the lab with Ella behind her, "We're ready to go!"

"Thank you Chlo Chlo for the save!" Lucifer listens to your sigh of relief, "Talk to you later darling."

"Yup." You hang up.

Ella and Dan walk up the stairs with Chloe and Lucifer behind, "Who do you keep talking to so much?" Chloe questions him.

"K9." He replies easily.

"Oh," Chloe looks a bit shocked, "What for? Is everything alright?"

"Eventually, yes." Lucifer smiles down at her and pats her shoulder, "Now, what's this case about again?"

Chloe sighs.

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You walk into the precinct the next morning. You were called in to help with the weekly K9 training since one of the trainers got a cold.

"Good morning, K9!"

"Hey, Earth!"

You look up from making your tea at the stairs to see Lucifer and Chloe walking down. You smile and wave back to them while saying good morning. 

Chloe gives you a hug and whispers in your ear, "You're ok right?"

You squeeze and whisper back, "Of course."

She pulls back and smiles at you. Lucifer tells her he'll make her coffee and she nods in thanks before going to her desk.

"Let me know when the tea's done, yeah?" You smile at him.

"When did the Devil become a common British servant." He mumbles. You laugh and wink at him before retreating to your office. 

You open your door and brace your mind at the pile of reports on your desk. All of them were completed assignments that you just needed to look over and sign. Here and there you'd find joking notes from your team. 

You step around the desk and pull out the chair, and hear a crinkling sound. Looking down you see an envelope. You pick it up and open it carefully, then sigh.

Damn it.

"I decided to make yours as well to embrace this new role of mine." Lucifer smiles as he walks into your office holding your tea, but his smile falls when he sees the solemn look on your face.

You hold up the new Roberto letter, "He got under your nose too." 

You place the letter upside down and grab a pen to start writing your notes on the back. With your head down, you didn't see Lucifer's eyes flash red. 

"It seems we're going to need more eyes." You sigh and look up at him. You take your tea and nod thanks to him.

"But now we need to wait for another lead."

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A few days have passed since receiving the new letter. You told Lucifer to take this time off to, "help himself,'' while you wait for a lead to pop up on Roberto's operations. 

You're dragged from your thoughts as your precinct office phone rings. You pick it up and are greeted with Miller's voice. 

The ASPCA, along with a couple of your recruits who volunteered to help, think they have made a huge breakthrough. They believe they found Roberto  Alejandro's breeding facility. 

Which means this mission will need to be planned carefully, and incredibly dangerous.

You make the quick decision to not tell Lucifer. He isn't your partner. He's basically a civilian you roped in. You weren't going to place him in any danger.

You peek out your window, and seeing that Chloe was busy with Ella and Lucifer was nowhere to be seen you make a quick exit.

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"Alright everyone!" You say loudly in the small room that holds your entourage of officers. Everyone quiets down immediately and gives you their full attention.

"We're about to hit Roberto Alejandro's heart of operation: his breeding facility." You start, "The ASPCA and I have been going back and forth for a plan of action for the last 24 hours. Finally I got them to cave into mine." You look around the room, "Some ASPCA officers along with Miller's team will create a diversion at the front of the building, as well as Blanch's team creating a disturbance at the back. I will be sneaking in to disable any traps and placing markers for where all the dogs are. Miller and Blanch," you look to each of them, "you're responsible for dragging out all of Roberto's men and not letting any escape. Some extra ASPCA officers will be hiding on either side of the building to make sure no one escapes."

"So, that's the plan. After all that we save these poor animals." You look around the room, "Any questions?"

"Ma'am!" Blanch raises her hand, "Are you positive you don't want backup?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry ma'am. We're just worried for you." There's a slight murmur through the room in agreement with Blanch, as well as a few of the K9's whining along with Buster.

You smile at everyone, "I appreciate your concerns, but I'll be fine. Just focus on your teammates. I'll be in radio contact."

When no one else raises their hand you dismiss them and watch them all leave. Once the room is clear you exit and start to head up the stairs.

"Earth!"

You stop in the middle of the stairs and turn around to see Chloe at the bottom, "You sure you don't want me to tag along with you?"

"You sound like everyone else." You laugh and wave to her, "I'll be fine Chlo."

"Alright." Chloe nods and smiles, "Good luck. Hope you catch this bastard once and for all."

"Oh I will, eventually." You turn, walk a few more steps up, then look back to your best friend, "And hey, don't tell Lucifer ok?"

"Yeah. Sure. Of course." Chloe gives you a wide smile and waves goodbye. With your back turned and heading up the rest of the steps you couldn't see her two fingers cross each other.

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From what you can hear outside and the radio chatter in your ear, your plan is going perfectly.

While the north and south distractions went off you waited for the all clear from the east and west sides. Once heard you quickly ran to the building and up the fire escape. You decided it's best to start from top to bottom. After forcing a window open you move stealthy through the building.

So far you've disabled two cameras and one trip wire. You've also come across two apartments filled with dogs.

"West to Spy. Just saw a man go through your opening." You hear through your ear piece as you lockpick the last door on the top floor.

Shit-

"Hello dar-" You spin on your heels and give the man behind you a gut wrenching punch. When he kneeled over you move a knee cap to his face, but a hand holding a very familiar looking ring stopped the attack.

"Lucifer?!" You hiss through clenched teeth. You help him sit on the floor and lean against the wall, "What the hell?!"

"I should be the one saying that to you!" Lucifer wheezes out, still holding his gut, "You hurt me!"

"No shit Sherlock! That's what happens when you sneak up on me, and on a mission!" 

"No no, you misunderstand. You hurt me, with a punch!" Lucifer looks up at you with a questioning gaze, "Just what are you, my dear?"

You stare at him, "What-" the sound of the front door slamming open underneath you made you freeze. You decide to slam open the door you've been lock picking and drag Lucifer inside with you. Thankfully this room looks to be just a basic apartment for Roberto's men.

You pull Lucifer into one of the bedrooms and stand flush against the wall. You pull out your gun in preparation for the men you hear climbing up the floors.

"What are you doing here Lucifer?!" You hiss at him while keeping your eyes and aim trained on the apartment door.

"The Detective let it slip what you were doing today. Innocently and completely by accident, of course." He adds when he sees the look on your face.

"But K9," Lucifer steps over to the other wall next to the bedroom door so you can see him in your peripheral, "Why didn't you tell me about this? I thought we were in this together now?"

The slight pain in his voice makes you take a peek at him, "I only asked you to help watch for the messenger, and that's all. You're not my partner, Lucifer." You look to the front door again, "You're just a civilian I've roped into this. I don't want you getting hurt."

"Well, too late for that darling." He gives you a small smile as he rests his hand on his stomach, then grows serious once more, "This mission is important to you and I rightly don't appreciate this dog man threatening you. Of course I'm going to help."

You look at him hard, and that's when the front door burst open. Lucifer goes flush against his wall as you fire away. Thankfully it was only two guys who couldn't aim for shit.

"Right, but before I fully help I need to test out something." He says when you stop firing and the bodies fall. He stands in front of your aim, "Pull a Detective and shoot me!"

"What?" You're astonished.

"Come on K9! Just give me a little shot!" He's smiling and opens his arms wide.

"I'm not going to shoot you!!!"

"Don't worry, I completely understand. You want to be original! Right!" He snaps his fingers, "How 'bout you stab me with that pretty knife you have hidden in your boot!"

"God, I knew you were weird but psycho too?" You push past him and out the door.

"Come on, K9!" He chases after you as you head down the stairs to the next level, "Shoot me! Stab me!"

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You and Lucifer clear the rest of the floors and are now on the last door of the main level. There were fewer traps on the lower levels and you're thankful for that since Lucifer kept distracting you with his bizarre request. You think you've disabled all the cameras and counted a total of eight rooms filled with dogs. This apartment complex has a total of twelve rooms.

You and Lucifer only encountered a few other men, which were easily disabled with either your gun or Lucifer's fists.

"I believe we got them all ma'am!" You hear Blanch call on the radio.

You pull out your own radio for the first time this mission, "Good. Any casualties?"

"Just some grazed shots on all four sides, Captain. No one fell." Miller responds.

You take in a breath of relief, "Good work everyone! I have eight apartments filled with dogs, and one that looks to be drug manufacturing. Round up the trucks and let's-"

"K9, one moment." Lucifer interrupts and you look at him, "Do you hear that?"

You raise a brow at him, but start to listen. You can softly hear dogs on your floor start to whimper, and something...else? You remove your earpiece to listen more closely.

It was beeping. A beeping that came from the last room you opened.

"Oh shit-" 

Before you know it Lucifer has you pinned to the floor with you beneath him as that room explodes and debris flies out. 

The dogs are barking now, on all levels, and you can hear more beeping.

"ALERT!" You scream in your radio, "There's bombs in each room, and it sounds like they're at different times! Forget the trucks and get-"

You hear another bomb go off on the floor above you, and the barking of dogs decreases drastically.

You're in complete shock. You faintly hear the radio go off and Lucifer calling your name. When another bomb goes off on the main floor Lucifer lifts you up and out of the building.

"Do not let her back in, and I'll be taking that." Lucifer hands you to Miller and he takes his radio. 

Seeing Lucifer run back into bomb infested building snapped you out of it.

"LUCIFER!" You scream after him and start to run, but Miller holds you back.

"Captain! It's not safe to go in there!" Millet says as he watches one of the windows on the top level blow out.

"Oh, but it's ok that he can?" You screech.

Miller stares at you, "We can't lose you Captain."

The look you gave your second could freeze the fiery pits of Hell. 

You grab his radio, "Lucifer!"

You hear some static first before his voice makes it through, "Hello K9!"

"Get. Out. Lucifer."

"I'm perfectly fine, K9!" You hear another bomb go off and more dogs barking, "Now if you'll excuse me I need to rescue as many of these slobbery beats as possible."

You grip the radio, voice wavering, "Why do you care?"

"Because you care, my dear." Then the radio goes silent.

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Thirty long, dreadful minutes pass by when you see the last bomb go off. Lucifer hasn't spoken on the radio since his last reply.

Miller doesn't stop you from running this time.

"LUCIFER!" You throw open the front door, and the sight before you stops you in your tracks. 

Lucifer is standing in the middle of the floor surrounded by dogs of various size and age. A lot of them are injured, but still breathing and walking.

"Bloody dogs…" Lucifer mutters while shaking dust and fur off his suit. He looks up, "Ah, K9!" He opens his arms to gesture the dogs, "The Devil does good work, yes?"

You call out from the front door for everyone to come get the dogs and search the remainder of the building. As they enter you exit and walk away from that building of death.

"K9?" Lucifer jogs after you, and when you're far enough away you turn on him and wrap your arms around his neck.

You pull him as close as possible. Scared to speak, so Lucifer speaks for you, "I told you I'd be alright, dear." He pulls you away so you can see his person. His suit had cuts all over, but there was no hint of blood on the exposed skin.

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"So, she's able to hurt you but you don't bleed around her?" Amenadiel's voice comes through Lucifer's phone. 

"Well, I suppose K9 could make me bleed, but no. I am not 'vulnerable' when near her like with the Detective." Lucifer chills by the precinct breakroom where he's able to more clearly see your office door. His brother is outside in some dark alley, watching people come in and out of the precinct.

"What is it with you and these human women being able to get to you?" Maze's annoyance comes through next. She is watching the road and surrounding area of your vet clinic.

"You guys have some weird code talk." Alice's soft voice comes next. She is inside the closed clinic sitting inside your office. 

"Told you none of this is code, doll. Badass Earth is another chick that can hurt my boss."

"Uh-huh…"

Lucifer holds in a chuckle at Amenadiel's sigh, "Ah, Ms. Green?"

"Yes, Lucifer?"

"How is K9 doing? I haven't heard from her since we parted ways at that building."

"Better. Not so much in a gloom state anymore. After hearing that the number of animals you saved is greater than deaths put her spirits up."

Lucifer smiles warmly, "Lovely." His phone beeps and he pulls away to check his screen. Speak of the him, you were now calling.

"I'll be back in one moment." He says to the group call, then answers yours, "K9-"

"The messenger came here, to my home. Just now." He can hear in your voice that you are breathing hard and the stomping of bare feet on cement, "I'm chasing after him now."

"I'll be right there, love. Keep your phone on." Lucifer hangs up and goes back into his group call, "Amenadiel, in my car now. Maze & Ms. Green, the messenger appeared at K9's home. She's chasing him." Lucifer hurries out of the precinct and sees his brother enter his car.

"Got it."

"Oh no…we're leaving now."

As Lucifer enters his vehicle he turns on the phone tracking app the Detective showed him. He clicks on your contact, hands the phone to his brother, then engine roar out of the parking lot.

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This guy is quick, but you are quicker. All that time spent running through the woods wasn't a waste.

To get ahead of this guy you decide to cut a corner into the foliage. You match his pace, and push forward so you're a few feet ahead. Then, you jump out and successfully push him to the ground.

Your kneecaps skid painfully on the sidewalk as your body tries to stop. Gritting through the pain you stand and jump on top the man before he can get up. 

The two of you begin to fight. Him for his freedom and you to secure him. This guy was good. Throwing multiple punches to your face so you see stars, but you maintained pressure on his knees and attack his stomach.

Just when he throws that last good punch on the back of your head and you start to black out, a car's headlights envelops you two. Another car does the same as the two in the first car rush over and pull you two apart.

"K9!" 

You manage to blink away the blackness forming in your brain. You look up to see Lucifer holding onto you, concern etched on his face. Looking back to the messenger you see Maze and that guy Amenadiel holding him down. Maze places handcuffs on him.

You see Alice run to you next. She takes Lucifer's place behind you so he can stand next to the hooded man.

"It's about bloody time we caught you." He hisses at the man. He grabs his hood, "Now, who dares backstab my K9?"

He pulls the hood back and you gasp. Lucifer turns furious.

It was Miller.

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You sit in the room behind the two way mirror. Freshly bandage from the precinct medical facility and an ice pack on your head, you watch as Agent Monroe (who you called while getting patched up), Chloe, and Dan interrogate your former second.

You and Chloe had to force Lucifer out of the room. You told him to stay by your side, and that's exactly what he's doing. He's standing behind you with his hands gripping the back of your chair.

You sigh, "I really should've seen this coming."

"Don't, K9." You feel Lucifer grip the chair tighter, "This blame is not on you."

You shrug. Miller explains how he was jealous of you. How you just show up and take the Captain spot right from him. He didn't care that you had previous experience. He cared how you were gone for years from this office. How you didn’t even continue your police career in New York. 

Not matter what Lucifer says, you really should have seen this coming. You know Miller is not the only one in the K9 division that has these thoughts. You'll have to be more careful now.

Miller also talks about how he was the last one to get close to breaking down Roberto, but then Roberto sent him a letter asking to meet alone. Miller, stupidly did, and Roberto made him an offer he couldn't refuse. That's how he became a lackey.

And that's exactly what's happening to you now. The letter Miller dropped off was from Roberto asking for you to meet him at some old factory, alone, to "talk".

"So, what's the plan of action?" Dan asks as he, Monroe, and Chloe walk into the room. 

Your eyes stay on Miller until you see him handcuffed and taken out, "I meet with Roberto, of course."

"Not alone." Lucifer says as a fact looking down at you.

"No." You stand up and turn to face everyone. You pat his shoulder, "Not alone."

"Alright." Monroe nods, "When is the meeting?"

"He wrote tomorrow at midnight."

"And here's the address of the factory." Chloe hands him a sticky note.

"Good." Miller nods his thanks, "Here's what I'm thinking," he looks to everyone, "A small squad. Two, maybe three on each side of the building. While Ms. Earth goes in so do we. Stay in the shadows and disable any hidden reinforcements. When we hear her signal we come out and apprehend Mr. Alejandro."

"Any questions?" Monroe asks.

"What's the signal?" Lucifer asks looking down at you.

You smile and look at him, "How 'bout 'Shoot me stab me'?"

He laughs.

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You death grip your steering wheel.

You're not sure why you're so anxious. You tell yourself it's because you're finally going to catch this guy.

But truthfully, you're terrified that something is going to go wrong. Now there were people you cared about on this, and it was driving you mad how they could get hurt.

Music wasn't even able to calm you down.

The factory finally appears in your vision. When you get there you park next to the only other car, most likely Roberto's. After taking a quick look inside the car you head inside the building. 

You're greeted with an expansive space. A space so large and empty that your footsteps echo loudly. Standing in the middle of this space was him.

"Ah, the infamous Animal Whisperer, at last." Roberto gives you an unnerving smile.

You roll your eyes and scoff at the old nickname. You haven't heard it since NY, "I see I got under your skin enough to do research on me." 

"Any smart businessman would research their rivals."

"We are not rivals and you are not a businessman." You bite, "You're a criminal who should've been caught long along."

"Ah, but that is the police's fault, no?"

"Their fault for taking your bribes, which you're no doubt about to try on me. Well let me tell you pal," you point at him, "nothing you say here and now will keep me from locking your ass up."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that." He acts like he's pondering, "I have thought about what I could do to make you give up. Maybe threaten your clinic with bombs, or every shelter in California. Too much work, however."

"Joy for me."

"Rightly, so. Ah, but then the perfect thing just came to me. Literally." His smile is all teeth. "I know what, or rather who, you fear most in this world Whisperer."

"I fear no one." You lie, and the bastard knows it. You fold your arms to hide the shiver.

"Tsk tsk. You know it's sinful to lie. Nevertheless, what I'm offering you is protection."

"What the hell makes you think I want or need your protection?" You snap.

He laughs, "Because I know what's about to happen, Whisper, and I am the only one who can prevent it."

"You adding fortune teller to your resume now?"

His smirk is evil, "What's your answer, Whisperer?"

Now you fake ponder, "You know what?" You pull out your pistol and aim it at his head, "I'd rather you shoot me or stab me."

"Wrong answer. Men!" 

You take satisfaction in seeing the bastard's smug smile turn to a frown when, instead of his men coming out, your party shows themselves. The two of you are surrounded by Monroe's men, as well as Chloe, Dan, and-

Where's Lucifer?

"Right here, darling." As if he read your mind, the man missing was standing right behind you. He smiles, "You're cute when you jump."

"Do you want to get punched in the gut again?" You holster your gun and face him. Behind you Monroe arrests Roberto while Chloe, Dan, and the others round up his men.

Lucifer makes a pained face, "Definitely not." You laugh and that makes him smile, "So, dog boy is finally caught. Care to celebrate over at LUX? I can have Maxwell make you a wonderful fruit smoothie."

"Thanks for the offer, but I just want to relax at home right now. Tomorrow night?" You smile at him and touch his arm.

"Of course, darling." Lucifer walks you to your car and watches you until you're out of sight. He turns around and sees Monroe putting Roberto in the backseat of his car.

Lucifer smiles wickedly and his eyes flash red, "Show time."

---------------------------------------------------------

Monroe had the LAPD put Roberto Alejandro in a holding cell while the paperwork was done. Roberto sat in the smallest cell and furthest cell the LAPD has.

Perfect.

"It does amaze me how I've come to love scum like you loose their freedom, when I'm usually all about freedom." Lucifer Morningstar appears before Roberto's cell door. Hands in pockets and a teeth baring grin, "Then again, this place does remind me of Home."

"What the hell do you want pin-up?" Roberto asks as Lucifer looks around the space. 

Lucifer's eyes focus back on the criminal. He removes his hands from his pockets and grips the bar door, "Lucifer Morningstar, and before you roll your head like every other human, let me show you proof." Lucifer leans close to the door, "K9 is in no way sinful. However-"

Roberto screams. The Devil is out.

"I am."

Lucifer pulls open the locked iron bar door and steps inside. Roberto cowers in a corner, unable to see the wide open door of freedom due to the Devil before him.

"Please…." Roberto shakes violently. Sweat immediately pours from him, "Please don't hurt me…."

"Well, you see, I usually do, but I promised my Demon that she'd get to do the torture on you." Lucifer steps to the side and gestures to Mazikeen of the Lilum. Her grotesque half face smiles at the human as she twirls her daggers.

"But before I allow her to destroy your body, I have a question for you dog boy." Lucifer predatory walks to the human and kneels down before him.

"Who is after Earth, or who you stupidly call the 'Animal Whisperer'?"

"The...the Kidnapper."

"The who?"

"I…I don't know him personally. He, she, hell could be multiple people. It's just a name. Notorious at making people disappear." 

"What does this 'Kidnapper' want with Earth?"

"N-nothing personally." Roberto shakes his head, "The Kidnapper takes jobs. People pay 'im to take people and keep the cops away. After the cops give up he takes them to the client."

"When is this stain coming for her?"

Roberto Alejandro, the first human Lucifer watches become smug in the face of the Devil.

"She's already gone."

---------------------------------------------------------

"I know I said I was ready to face him, but...this is just too soon." You pace back and forth in your living room. Alice stands there watching you move, "I mean, it hasn't even been a year yet!"

"Maybe he was just messing with you, Earth." Alice tries to reassure you.

"No. No no no, Alice. He absolutely knew." Your pacing increases and now your hands were in your hair. "How could someone like him find out?! The only people who know the truth are you and Damien, and I sure as shit know neither one of you said anything."

"Earth, please calm down." Alice grabs you to stop yourself, "This isn't helping you."

"Yeah...yeah you're right." You sigh, "Ok...ok let's fortify this place."

You walk up the step to your bedroom as Alice goes to the closet next to the kitchen. Just as you're about to open your bedroom closet something catches your eye in its mirror doors.

Your plants on the balcony were all broken.

You hear Alice scream and something break. You spin around and that's when your closet doors open and arms come around you. You get the person off with the ball buster move, then spin and punch him in the face followed by a kick to the stomach. You run from the room and catch a glimpse of Alice fighting another person as two more men come from your balcony. One of the men throw a punch to your already sore head and you see stars, but manage to still take them both down. Obviously these intruders don't know about your strength.

Alice screams in pain and you look to see her fall down hard. You run to help her-

"Idiots. The boss gave us this for a reason."

An arm wraps around your head and a needle enters your neck. An all too familiar drug starts to enter your bloodstream.

"NO!" You kick and punch, but by now your body is locked by other arms surrounding you. You free your head long enough to see Alice motionless on the floor as three other men surround you.

"You're freedom is over." The voice that holds you from behind says.

The drugs take you into that pit of darkness.

---------------------------------------------------------

"She still hasn't picked up?" Lucifer questions Maze as he speeds down the roads.

"For the last time no. I've been trying since we got in the car!"

"What about Alice? They live in the same complex!"

Maze becomes quiet, "Tried her too. She's not picking up either."

Lucifer yells and slams the gas pedal down.

---------------------------------------------------------

The Devil and his Demon arrive at your apartment complex. Lucifer doesn't even park. Just stops the car abruptly. Him and Maze run inside and up three flights of stairs.

"K9!!!" Lucifer yells banging on your door.

No response.

Maze kicks in the door and the two enter into a wrecked apartment. Vases of plants and picture frames lay broken on the floor. Lucifer walks further in to look inside your bedroom. One closest door lay broken on the floor. Your easel next to the balcony door was on the floor, and the painting you were working on was ripped to shreds. Looking outside he sees all your plant pots shattered, and the plants themselves stepped on in a hurry entrance/escape.

"LUCIFER!" Maze yells from the living room and he rushes over. 

Alice is laying on the floor, unmoving. Maze quickly kneels and presses two fingers to Alice's throat.

Maze lets out a breath she's been holding, "She's alive."

Lucifer releases air from his nostrils. He leaves her to stand on your balcony. He looks up to the night sky. He grips the handrails and tries to calm the Devil in him.

He calls Chloe.

[minister-for-femslash]

The Mother Fish

Summary; After being rescued from the Monster’s possession, Eliot tries to take Quentin on a boat trip but it doesn’t go well.

Pairing; Quentin and Eliot

Word Count; 2,614

Authors Note; For @cldfiredrgn Happy Halloween

Quentin stands on the bow of the Muntjac. The majestic sails flutter in the wind and he grips the rail tight to stop himself from tumbling over the side as the ship flies gracefully through the air. 

He stares down at the ocean; the colours move just beneath the surface of the river, blues and reds, and purples. They sway back and forth, swooping left and then right, circling around each other. Like they’re dancing. 

There’s the tap, tap, tap of Eliot’s cane against the wooden floor and Quentin turns to face him.

“Hey,” Eliot says. There’s a glassy look in his eye. “What do you think?” 

“It’s beautiful.” 

“The mating ritual of the cullyral fish. Fen says it only happens once ever fifty years. Plover got it wrong.” Eliot stands next to Quentin and leans over the rail. 

He’s a little too careless for Quentin’s liking, swaying from side to side slightly, and in the end Quentin places his hand on Eliot’s arm, just to steady him. 

“You see, there -“ Eliot points at a green light emerging from the water, growing larger and larger, as the other fish swim around it - “the mother fish.” 

Quentin laughs. “The mother fish?” 

“That’s what Fen called it. The mother fish. The other fish flock to her, try to win her affection with their brightly coloured tails, but she’ll only pick one. And she’ll stay with that one fish until the day they both die.” 

“That’s… Sweet,” Quentin says. 

Eliot lifts his head and looks at him. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. This is great.” Quentin smiles, but it’s weak, even he knows that and after a moment he allows it to just fall away. 

“I thought… I thought you’d like it.”

“I do. It’s beautiful.” 

“But?” 

“I don’t know,” Quentin sighs. “I guess Fillory’s just lost a little of it’s shine since we found out it was real. This looks amazing, but there’s probably something horrible going on beneath the surface, like the mother fish devouring all of the fish she chooses not to mate with, or something.” 

“Oh.” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” 

Quentin looks over at Eliot. He leans heavily on his cane. His breathing seems laboured and uneven, his shoulders are hunched. His hair messily tumbles down around his face.

“Are you okay?” Quentin asks. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Eliot tries to wave him away, but there’s a stutter in his voice and his hand is pressed against his stomach where the axe plunged in. 

“No, you’re not.” Quentin wraps his arm around Eliot’s waist, pulls him closer and Eliot immediately leans against him. “Come on.” Quentin leads Eliot away from the railing, and they head inside. 

——-

Eliot flops onto the first sofa that they come across and slumps down against the cushions. His skin is unnaturally pale and there’s a heavy sheen of sweat across his forehead. 

Quentin kneels down in front of him. He presses his fingers against Eliot’s forehead. He’s warm. 

“Jesus, Eliot.” Quentin starts to undo the buttons on Eliot’s shirt. The three at the bottom so that the bandage on Eliot’s stomach becomes visible. There’s a small smattering of blood “We shouldn’t have come. You’re not ready to be out.” 

“I didn’t want you to miss the mother fish.” 

“Your health is more important. This wound is serious, Eliot. You could’ve died.” Quentin grabs one of the bags he managed to hurriedly pack before they left; the one he stuffed full of medical supplies. He takes out a bandage and a packet alcohol free antiseptic wipes. 

He slowly peels back the bandage on Eliot’s stomach. There’s blood on Eliot’s skin, and Quentin’s not sure but he thinks that some of the stitches have popped. 

He takes an antiseptic wipe and begins to clean away the blood. He keeps his touch gentle, almost delicate and he can feel Eliot staring down at him, watching him closely. His mouth feels dry. 

“It’s one of your favourite parts of the Secret Sea. When Jane and Rupert get lost in that little dingy and the light from the mother fish’s tail lights the way for them. I just… I wanted to do something nice for you.” 

“You have.” 

“I’m sorry.” Eliot reaches down and clasps Quentin’s hand. “I just wanted…” Eliot’s head slumps to the side. His eyes close for a few seconds, then open and they’re still glassy. Then they close again. 

“Eliot, have you taken something?” 

“Just some painkillers. I wanted to… I wanted to show you…” Eliot’s breathing becomes deep. He’s asleep. 

Quentin takes the clean bandage and gently places it over Eliot’s wound. It’s self-sticking and Quentin runs his fingers along the edges just to make sure it’s secure. 

He quickly redoes the buttons on Eliot’s shirt and then pulls it down slightly, covering up Eliot’s stomach again. 

He heads to the heart of the Muntjac and asks her (nicely) if they can turn around and head back to Castle Whitespire. She must understand because they immediately make a hard left. He thanks her and heads back to Eliot, who has slumped further into the sofa. 

He takes Eliot’s shoulders and slowly lowers him down onto the sofa. He removes Eliot’s boots and brings his legs up. There’s a cushion, which he tucks under Eliot’s hand. Eliot immediately curls into it, gripping it tight. 

Quentin takes off his jacket and gently drapes it over Eliot. 

-----

Eliot spends the next twenty four hours in bed. Margo sends the official doctor to Castle Whitespire to check on him, but when he marvels at the stitches on Eliot’s stomach, as if he’s never seen anything like it before, Quentin decides Eliot needs somebody better. 

He sends a bunny to Julia and then waits. Fifteen minutes later the same bunny returns, this time with a message for him. 

“Incoming,” the bunny croaks. “Incoming.” 

Quentin leans down. “What?” 

“Hey dude.” 

Quentin spins around and sees Penny standing in the middle of the throne room, with Professor Lipson clinging tightly onto his arm. She has her medical kit with her. 

“Julia said Eliot needed us,” Penny says.

“Yeah, thanks for coming so quickly.” 

Penny shrugs his shoulders. “No sweat. What do you need?” 

“Actually -“ Quentin turns to Professor Lipson - “I was hoping you could check on Eliot. He tried to go out yesterday and it didn’t go well.” 

“He went out.” Professor Lipton shakes her head, in obvious frustration. “Where is he?” 

“In his room, I’ll show you.” Quentin heads out of the throne room with Professor Lipson following just behind. 

“Cool, I guess I’ll just wait here then,” Penny says. 

Quentin quietly knocks on Eliot’s door. There’s no response. Eliot might be asleep, so Quentin slowly opens the door and the light from the nearby window falls across his face. The quilt is wrapped tightly around him, almost like a cocoon, the pillow tucked underneath his head. 

Quentin steps inside. He keeps his footsteps light, almost tiptoeing over. He delicately sits on the edge of the bed and softly shakes Eliot’s shoulder. Eliot stirs gently, his eyes flutter open and a sleepy smile appears on his face as he stares up at Quentin. 

“Hey.” Eliot brushes the hair away from his eyes. 

“Hi. Sorry to wake you, but Professor Lipson is here to see you.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

Eliot starts to lift himself up. His arms shake and he struggles slightly. Quentin puts his hands on Eliot’s shoulders and helps to lift him up, placing a pillow behind his back so he can prop himself up. 

“Better?” Quentin asks. 

“Yes, thanks.” 

Professor Lipson is standing in the doorway, her kit bag clutched tightly in her hand. 

“I’ll be right outside,” Quentin says. 

-----

Quentin paces outside of Eliot’s room; up and down, up and down the corridor. Professor Lipson’s check up doesn’t take as long as he’s expecting, and fifteen minutes after he left the room, Professor Lipton does as well. 

“How is he? Is it bad?” Quentin asks. 

“Of course it’s bad. He was stabbed in the gut, with an axe, and because I couldn’t use magic to heal him, he needs a lot of care and a lot of bedrest. He really needs to be back at Brakebills, under my care. But if he really wants to stay here, then he needs to stay in bed, not go traipsing around on boats.”

“I know. We were just…” Quentin sighs, because he isn’t exactly sure what they were doing and even if he did, he’s not sure it would be a good enough reason. 

“Okay. Well, he did pop a couple of stitches, but it’s nothing to be too concerned about. Just keep changing his bandages and if he needs something for the pain give him two of these every four to six hours-“ she hands Quentin a pill bottle - “and not whatever he’s been taking. It’s important.” 

“I understand. I’ll take care of him.”

“I know you will.” She touches his arm and for a moment Quentin remembers her standing on that roof, and then she pulls back, and he forces the memory away. 

“While it’s nice to finally see a piece of Fillory, I need to be getting back to Brakebills.” 

“Sure, yeah. Hopefully Penny stuck around.” 

They head back to the throne room and Quentin feels a little relieved and more than a little surprised to see Penny still there, sitting on Margo’s throne. 

“All done?” Penny asks. 

“Yeah, we’re done,” Quentin replies.

“Good.” Penny jumps to his feet and holds out his hand for Professor Lipson. “Shall we get going?” 

“Thanks for coming so quickly,” Quentin says. 

“No big. I’ve come to accept my role as the group’s resident taxi service.” 

“Sorry.” 

Penny sighs. “It’s cool. Well, no it isn’t but Julia asked so here I am.” 

“How are you and Julia?” 

“We’re good. She misses you. You should, I don’t know, come and visit or something. When Eliot is feeling better.” 

“I will.” 

“Cool, see you around, I guess.” Penny takes Professor Lipson’s hand and the two of them disappear. 

Quentin hovers in the throne room for a moment, almost dancing from foot to foot as he decides what to do next. Part of him wants to go and check on Eliot - a large part of him - but another part of him wants to let Eliot sleep. 

He tries to read for a bit; the Wandering Dune, his favourite of the Fillory and Further books, but he can’t focus on the words. He ends up walking aimlessly through the corridors of Castle Whitespire, and in the end he does what he was always going to do and heads to Eliot’s room. 

He knocks quietly. There’s no response and he knows that he should walk away, leave Eliot to sleep. But he doesn’t. Instead he slowly opens the door. 

Eliot is awake. 

He’s still propped up against the pillow. His head is down, his hair tumbling down around his face. The room is dark. The curtain now drawn so there’s no light from the window. 

“Eliot,” Quentin says.

Eliot quickly looks up and Quentin can see what he thinks are tear stains on his cheeks. 

“Hey.” 

“Is everything…” Quentin stops. “Are you okay?” 

“When am I not okay?” Eliot smiles. It’s wides and full, but also empty and a little hollow. 

“When you’ve been stabbed in the gut with an axe.” 

“That was nothing.” Eliot gives a dismissive wave of his hand. 

Quentin hovers by the door. “Do you need anything? Water or soup or something?” 

“No. I’m okay.” 

“Okay.” Quentin takes a breath. “I’ll let you get some rest.” He turns to leave. 

“Have you been reading?” Eliot asks, pointing to the book in Quentin’s hand. 

He hadn’t realised he was still holding it. “Yeah, just a little.” 

“It’s your favourite.” 

“Yeah. I love the part where the elves race down Mount Ardey.” 

“Yeah, it’s good. We could… We could go and see it, if you wanted. I could ask Fen, I’m sure she knows when it happens.” 

“We can go when you’re feeling better,” Quentin replies. 

“Oh, okay.” Eliot seems to visibly deflate, sinking down into the pillow. “Sure, I understand.” 

“Eliot, it’s important for you rest.” 

“I know.” 

Quentin doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t know what else to say. 

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Eliot asks. 

“What?” 

“You wanted to go on a boating quest, with me. You wanted to go with me, and I said no. I should’ve said yes.” 

“You had to stay. Margo needed you.” 

“I should’ve said yes,” Eliot whispers. 

“Eliot, what are you…” Quentin sighs. He drops his book onto a nearby table and walks over to Eliot. “Talk to me. Please. Something’s wrong and I think you should talk to me.” 

Eliot hesitates and for a moment Quentin thinks he’s going to say no. To say no and send him away. But Eliot doesn’t. 

“I should’ve said yes.” 

“Eliot…” 

“But I didn’t. I just… I was afraid and so I did what I always do when I’m afraid. I ran away. I’m sorry. But I promised myself. I promised you that if I ever got out of there, if I was ever me again that I would be, I don’t know, braver. Or maybe just brave. And I’m trying, Q, I’m really trying. I want to be the person you spent fifty years with. I want to be the person you… I want to be that person. Because you’re right, we work. We worked then and we can work now. I just have to be brave. Please, I want to be brave.” 

Quentin doesn’t say a word. He holds his breath and stays perfectly still while Eliot speaks. He doesn’t know how to reply, not because he had nothing to say but because he doesn’t know where to start. 

He drops down onto the bed and runs his hands through his hair, once and then twice. His mind is swimming. Eliot spoke so quickly, almost like he was trying to get the words out as fast as possible, which Quentin understands, but it’s left him with a lot of information, and nowhere near enough time to think it all through. 

“You still want that, don’t you?” Eliot asks.

“I just want you to be safe, and well,” he says and then immediately winces because he knows that it’s not enough. That this is a moment that matters. “You were lost for so long. I thought I was never going to see you again, that the last time I would see your face it wouldn’t be you behind your eyes. When my dad died, you were the only person I wanted to talk to because you’re the person that I spent my life with. You and Arielle.” 

“But I wasn’t there.” 

“You’re here now. That’s the most important thing, don’t you see that. I don’t care about boat quests or cullyral fish or racing elves. I care that you’re here and you’re alive.” 

“I don’t want us to lose anymore time because I’m afraid.” 

“We have all the time we need.” Quentin reaches out and takes Eliot’s hand. 

“So you still… You still love me?” 

“Do you really think I stopped?” 

Eliot smiles, a real one this time. He shifts over on the bed, leaving a space next to him. Quentin shrugs off his shoes and then lies down. He shuffles around to get comfortable and when he finally settles Eliot’s arms wrap around him. Quentin snuggles into Eliot’s chest and the two of them sink into each other in a way that is so familiar and so natural despite how long it’s been. 

Together, they sleep. 

[justalittlelitnerd]

Broken Knight by L.J. Shen

Photo credit to goodreads

After I finished Pretty Reckless in record time and enjoyed it so thoroughly I knew I wanted to read whatever related books L.J. Shen had to offer. While Knight and Luna weren’t overly present in Daria and Penn’s book they were mentioned enough by Daria that it was clear they would make for a good story. Broken Knight didn’t disappoint. 

Much like in Pretty Reckless the family dynamics are complex and the books really explore the effect that has on kids especially teenagers. Luna is raised by her father and stepmother and is selectively mute after her mother abandoned her as a toddler. Luna communicates through looks as much as sign language and it was nice to see her friends learn sign language to communicate with her rather than pressing her to talk. On the other end is Knight, who, in addition to dealing with the complex identity issues that often stem from being adopted, is also dealing with his mother’s worsening health and further turns to booze and drugs to cope. He’s always been able to count on Luna who he has always believed is his endgame. Until everything changes.

When Luna decides to attend college all the way across the country (at Vaughn’s insistence) the tenuous threads of their lifelong friendship start to fray before snapping all together when she breaks their unspoken promise. They continue to circle each other, changing in ways that neither expected, wondering if there’s still hope for a future for them. 

This book isn’t a true enemies-to-lovers, nor is it a friends-to-lovers, but some sort of gray area that only emerges when a lifelong friendship is destroyed in order to build a relationship from its ashes. The way that Knight and Luna are at the beginning of the book is clearly unsustainable and they were both using each other as crutches. It only makes sense that their friendship needed to be altered entirely for them to come out of it as an actual couple that could last. It really sucks that Luna made the choice she did, but I can see how if she hadn’t, if she had come home and Knight had confessed his feelings, they never would have made it. She never would have spoken and never would’ve grown strong enough to be his equal because their whole friendship was based on him protecting her and the book was heading for a moment when he would need to be taken care of. 

Now that I’ve read all three I think this one was my favorite because I loved the setup and the characters and the complexity of Luna and Knight (I also love their names). 

Keep reading for my fave quotes!

I didn’t want to kiss her. I wanted to zip open my skin and tuck her into me. Hide her from the world and keep her mine.

I loved her with the ferocity only a non-biological child could feel—hungry, visceral love, only better, because it was dipped in gratitude and awe.

I’d never seen him like this before—a storm within a storm.

I’d thought the memories of Valenciana nicked my heart, but that was nothing compared to the violent rip of it when I looked at Knight, realizing for the first time that he was going to break that piece of my heart he held hostage. Not maliciously, no, and definitely not intentionally. But it didn’t matter. Hit-and-run or struck by lightning—a death was a death. A heartbreak was a heartbreak. Pain was pain.

“Moonshine,” he whispered. “You fill up the empty, dark space—like the moon owns the sky. It is quiet. It is bright. It doesn’t need to be a ball of flame to be noticed. It simply exists. It forever glows.”

There was just one crack in my unshakable, good-natured, billion-dollar smile, and hot-motherfucker-jock stereotype persona. A barely noticeable chip. You could see it from one angle. Only the one. And only when Luna Rexroth entered the room and our eyes met—for exactly the first half-second, before I rearranged my features back into my usual smug grin.

Luna Rexroth was beautiful. Sure. But so were a lot of other girls. Difference was, Luna carried her beauty like it was something borrowed. Carefully yet casually, not making a fuss about it. She wouldn’t stand in line for anyone, anywhere. She’d stand out, glowing with quiet pride.

Up until then, the idea of Luna and me was, well, more of a fact. Roses were red. The sun rose in the east. A seahorse could move its eyes in opposite directions (Moonshine told me that herself), and Luna Rexroth was going to be my girlfriend, then fiancée, then wife.

It wasn’t a secret I’d chop heads and bring down the sun for Luna Rexroth.

Never breaking our gaze, I’d put her hand on my own heart, so she’d know, without a doubt, she wasn’t the only one whose heart had a chunk missing.

But Luna looked like nature. It was like kissing the entire fucking forest from our spot in the treehouse.

She knew that between the stigma and the person laid an open abyss, and in its depth, the truth.

There was some anger in my voice, and it made me furious with her. I tried so hard to accommodate whatever wish she had for us. When she wanted kisses, she got them. When she wanted friendship, she got that, too. What about what I wanted from her? What I needed?

I sometimes wondered what hurt more: Losing someone all of a sudden, like in a plane crash, or losing them piece by piece, like I did Knight. It was like feeling a once-warm body growing cold next to you in bed.

They used the word smitten because batshit crazy wasn’t cute. But everyone knew I was smitten with chicken wings and vintage Tumblr porn, not with Luna. With Luna, I was in fucking everything. Love. Lust. Obsession. Take your pick.

I wanted to tell her: You need to come back. Or maybe we can do the long-distance shit. I don’t care. But you slapped me, and that meant something. It meant that you care. I also wanted to say, I know you don’t believe this could work, but not trying is no longer an option. For four months I’ve wanted to give you this ultimatum, but it felt weird to do it through Skype. But now you’re here, and I’m not letting you go before we sort this shit out. Then I wanted to add, I kissed another girl in front of everyone, and it felt like cheating. And to promise her, It meant nothing. She meant nothing.

He was a dash of the boy who’d give me the entire world, thrown in with a giant, hard man who fought any positive feeling toward me.

Watching Luna kiss Vaughn, or Vaughn kiss Luna, if we’re being technical here, was God’s way of telling me he hated me on a personal, profound, go-fuck-yourself level.

Knight’s saving grace was his eyes. Everything about him was perfect to the T, an all-American superhero who could slide comfortably into Chris Pine’s shoes and give him a run for his money. But his eyes were slightly different colors, one the shade of moss, the other more hazel. He was imperfect, but only if you looked really closely. Too closely for his comfort. Too close for him to ever allow. I could never fall in love with a hundred-percenter…but Knight was a solid 99.99%.

It was like watching a car crash—or your pet Chihuahua standing up on two legs, reading Shakespearean poetry while sipping on black tea.

I’d been so busy on me-me-me island, I never bothered to sail to other territories and check in on her.

His unanswered messages were piled up in a neat corner of my phone’s memory like broken dreams, hung on a clothesline, damp from my tears of guilt.

I climbed up to Luna’s window for the first time in months, a fucked-up Romeo in a story that was definitely a comedic tragedy.

“You only get one life, Luna. One stab at this thing called happiness. Why deprive yourself of things you want just because they weren’t given to you the way you hoped for them to come? Life is like a book, a long chain of scenes threaded together by circumstances and fate. You never know how thick or thin your book is, so you better make the most out of every scene, enjoy each chapter.”

How could I ever have let him slip from my fingers? How could I have given him up? Who even cared? Love is selfish. Love is raw. Love is unfair, and unpredictable, and unstoppable.

It felt stupid to say it in the same way it felt stupid to think it. We were so much more than steady. I was going to marry her. I’d known that with every fiber of my being before I was fully potty trained, for fuck’s sake. I just hadn’t known how to label it back then.

Sometimes I’d climb up the forest’s mountain, look at the nothingness surrounding me, and think—this is it. The end of the world. Right here. Or it was when thunder cracked, and fog descended over the roads, misting the car windows. Or when I concentrated on that thin line between the skyline and the ocean, imagining myself sliding into it and letting it suck me into another dimension.

“‘Don’t be a Rosie. Be a Dean. If you want something, no matter what it is, go for it. Falling in love is rare.’” Luna’s eyes were now on Knight, only Knight, and something in the room shifted. She wasn’t merely speaking the words, she was becoming them. “Don’t give up this precious gift. Chase it. Catch it. Hold it close. Don’t let it go. And if it leaves anyway…” Her eyes clung to Knight, and for the first time—for the very first time since I’d known my own son—there were tears in his eyes. It gut-punched me to the other side of the room. “Fight for it,” Luna finished.

“Always. Whenever. Forever,” he mouthed, his lips still on mine. I decided to complete his sentence, the way I’d imagined it in my head so many years ago. “I choose you.”

[kaleid-tay-scope]

Taylor Swift - Elle

30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30

By Taylor Swift Mar 6, 2019

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

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I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

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Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

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Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

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I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

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My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

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I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

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I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life:Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.”

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Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

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Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

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It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco.

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say.Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

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Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

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Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

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After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

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Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

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Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

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Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

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Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

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How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

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I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

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I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

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I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

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I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

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I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

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I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

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I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

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My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

Hair by Serge Normant for Serge Normant Hair Care; makeup by Francelle for Lovecraft Beauty; manicure by Denise Bourne for Deborah Lippmann; produced by Kristen Terry at Rosco Production.

[libvrtines]

                          hewwo  i’m  felix  ( 20 ,  he / him , gmt )  and  i  just  realised  my  fc  has  no  mf  resources  that  aren’ t from  him  as  a  fetus  and  will  therefore  b  spendin  approximately  all  my  free  hrs  cranking  out  gif  icons  ,  so  lets  get  it  *  pained  laughter  *  !  this  is  my  boy..  except  he’s  not  my  boy  and  i  take  no  credit  for  who  he  is  as  a  person  because  he’s  the  personification  of  a  flaming  dumpster  fire  ,  xu  yuxian  .  his  pinterest  board  is  here  ,  i don’t  have  a  full  amazing  wc  page  but  i  do  have  some  wc’s  beneath..  so  if  u  jus  wanna  stick  around  for  that  i  won’t  blame  u  bc  otherwise  this  is  just  a  Wreck .   (    i  literally  just  had  to  search  up  my  muses  name  bcs  i  forgot  it  but  i  know  he’s  a  scorpio at  least  so  if  that  is  any  indication  of  how  this  is  gonna  be  then  yeah .  this  is  gonna  be  the  Worst   ) .  drop  a  heart  if  you  would  like  to  plot  ,  or  just  add  me  up  on  d*scord  no anime pls im christian#1950  for  quicker  messages  !  TW  :  mentions  of  drugs  ,  violence  ,  death ,  blood  , manipulation  . 

scanning XU YUXIAN, they are TWENTY FOUR year old and read as CUNNING but DECEITFUL, which explains why they are referred to as the VARMINT. before virtual reality HE was IMPRISONED FOR THE DISTRIBUTION OF DRUGS and living in QUINGDAO, CHINA. they’ve been said to look incredibly similar to HUANG ZITAO, but they’ve never seen it. in this new virtual world, they plan on DOING ALL OF THE CRAZY SHIT HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO and hope to NEVER GO BACK to reality. 

*    BACKGROUND    !

tl ; dr . “ the best way to solve a problem is just to eliminate it . " in thick accented mandarin. the roar of a bike kicked to life with exhaust pouring out of the tailpipe and the low graveled hum as it idles way past midnight. charcoal ashes and heavy-lidded eyes. teeth stained red from marlboro's and split, bloody lips. baseball bats through car windows, the scrape of a bic as it lights. the smell of cigarettes burned deep into veins. the drag of a knife light across a throat. knuckles blooming purple pressed into nose bridges, a smile with a pair of pliers knocking against porcelain teeth. THIS vine. 

so as formerly stated this is yuxian, the worser half of the xu siblings. disruptive and dangerously reactive to any sort of aggression, he's adapted to a reality reliant on violence and force over patience and rationale. he's an overall shitty guy, with some even shittier habits. street smart and instinctive, his world works in harsh turns and bared knuckled fists. 

dropped out of high-school.. was one of those ‘lunch is my fav class’ kids except he got dragged 2 school by the ear when he was younger and then people just. stopped giving a fuck  ! 

so he did what most boys do in big towns with no proper parental guidance: raised a little hell, drank a lot of alcohol when his liver was barely formed, fixed bikes and engines, and beat up a few rich kids who looked @ him the wrong way. speaks like every mf villain in an anime ever. over-enunciates vowels and suffocates his consonants. acts like the stray he p much is w parents as shitty as his. 

the xu family had earned themselves a nasty reputation in the community they lived in. they're tough, they're intimidating. they do things their way. xu’s speak with their fists and their knives and their brass knuckles and their bats, not known for thinking out their actions before acting out. violent. horrible. the worst People™. 

yuxian’s parents owned and operated a dim-lit, greasy restaurant in the heart of their community, once used to deepen the family's pockets as they sold some choice off-menu items, they were offered a deal by a rich family that bought up their block when yuxian was around 15, selling their enhanced drugs imported from europe behind the grime-coated counter. yuxian saw the $$$ and didn’t think abt how risky it would b, or that they’d be the ones caught red handed if they were ever raided. being able to label himself as a drug dealer just made his reputation in the community go up.. and he was livin la vida loca 

along with working as a drug-runner, he liked to fancy himself as something of a debt collector, making sure to "follow up" with anyone who hopes to evade payment to the family. weapons of choice include a baseball bat to the kneecaps and automatic knives. has he actually hurt anybody ?? absolutely Not. he a puthy ass bitch... but don’t say that to his face unless u wanna end up like that ‘what are u gonna do? stab me? guy who then.. got stabbed 

basically yuxian will do whatever it takes to get what he wants and to survive. he never considers himself a bad guy; he considers herself bold where others find him brash. he thinks that he's tough where he's really just a brute. he's never a bully, it's never unjustified, but if he ever is he doesn’t think much of it bc he’s never gonna change , ygm ?? 

he ended up in prison when he started selling drugs to the rich family’s only son, who lbr, became quite a decent friend to yuxian. the son in question had a bad side - effect to the dodgy drugs they were dealing and died of cardiovascular complications. worst thing is that the last memory xian has of the world before virtual reality is waiting for his parents or siblings to come visit him at but being stood up. next thing he knows he’s in a world where his freedom hasn’t been taken from him and he can. he’s Extremely Bitter, and very Chaotic, my guys. so watch out

*    PERSONALITY   !

honestly and truly, at the end of the day, yuxian is not a good friend to have. xian is not friendly. he will never say the thing you want to hear as opposed to how he is feeling, he'll never sugarcoat anything, he'll never be a listening ear. encouragement and support don't exist here. he is fickle and fair-weathered and will use and use and use until there's nothing left to give. 

self-serving and self-invested to his core, he cares so little it's essentially nonexistent for anyone other than himself. not even his family, given the circumstances. he is opinionated and reactive. volatile. if someone is looking for an influence in their life that will give no fucks and encourage even the smallest whispers of an impulse, yuxian is The One™. 

every bad influence every mother's warned about, everything you know you should say no to: that's her. he has nothing to lose and lives his life accordingly. those in his periphery, he encourages to do the same. respect and admiration are not easily earned. he needs to be impressed. the grander the debauchery, the more points earned. but of course, don't try too hard.. bc that’s corny and he can sniff someone simply trying to impress from a mile away. 

still, to those that he's aligned himself with and chosen to befriend – xian can be loyal the way a snake is to a pack. his trigger-haired temper and baseline defensiveness makes him a good rabid junkyard dog to have in any corner. loyalty is mostly reserved for those who benefit him or to those who serve his best interest – contrary to popular belief, he's not entirely stupid. but definitely has been called a bimbo a minimum of five times in his life. 

simply put, he's a thug. his family has terrorised residents and he hasn't fallen too far from the tree, reaping the benefits of everyone's worst expectations. he's vindictive, manipulative, short-tempered and callous. he'll go to extreme lengths – which often include coercion via intimidation or violence – to get what he wants. he has little regard for other peoples' safety, well-being, or feelings. he lives to ruin lives; not in that fuckboy-esque i'm-going-to-steal-your-gf-and-ruin-your-social-life kind of petty bullshit. he IS a fuckboy but that’s besides the point.. 

every action is based on gut-impulse, acting purely out of unfettered emotion without thinking of what the consequences might be down the line. just pls hate him bc he really deserves it. 

speaking of Love.. with a reputation that followed him from a few years into high school for being tht guy who makes u feel good abt urself then leaves u on read, he's learned to embrace it and accept that people think he just can’t commit. xian is not good in relationships, he doesn't quite know how to show affection in a healthy way. he gets possessive and jealous and easily poisons everything from the inside while trying to sort out the subconscious overbearing fear of this person realising how shit he is or actually realising they’re worth more than his half-assed attempts at affection. so instead he keeps it at an arm's distance before it gets that far. 

*    WANTED CONNECTIONS   !

bad influence ( somebody he is corrupting essentially ) friends who like to crash parties / slum around bars  perhaps people who he knows from before and were aware of his ugly reputation ?? idk this is gonna be an area only open to a few but if they ever lived nearby or in the city where he did then it’s a possibility  ! friends who like to smoke weed behind dumpsters people who he can con  someone who tries to see the good in him but beneath the dirt there’s just more Dirt enemies / frenemies violent low-lives who he can connect 2 on an emotional and physical level fwb / one-night stands / some sort of violent dislike in personality which in turn results in sexual tension  ?

[makistar2018]

30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

BY TAYLOR SWIFT MAR 6, 2019

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

Lesson ONE

I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

Lesson TWO

Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson THREE

Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

Lesson FOUR

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

Lesson FIVE

Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

Lesson SIX

I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

EVERY DAY I TRY TO REMIND MYSELF OF THE GOOD IN THE WORLD, THE LOVE I’VE WITNESSED AND THE FAITH I HAVE IN HUMANITY. WE HAVE TO LIVE BRAVELY IN ORDER TO TRULY FEEL ALIVE, AND THAT MEANS NOT BEING RULED BY OUR GREATEST FEARS.

Lesson SEVEN

My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

Lesson EIGHT

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

Lesson NINE

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

Lesson TEN

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I BELIEVE VICTIMS BECAUSE I KNOW FIRSTHAND ABOUT THE SHAME AND STIGMA THAT COMES WITH RAISING YOUR HAND AND SAYING “THIS HAPPENED TO ME.”

Lesson ELEVEN

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

Lesson TWELVE

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

Lesson THIRTEEN

It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson FOURTEEN

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

Lesson FIFTEEN

Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

Lesson SIXTEEN

Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

Lesson SEVENTEEN

After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

Lesson EIGHTEEN

Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson NINETEEN

Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

Lesson TWENTY

Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

Lesson TWENTY-ONE

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

Lesson TWENTY-TWO

How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

THERE’S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ARTISTS HAVE TO BE MISERABLE IN ORDER TO MAKE GOOD ART, THAT ART AND SUFFERING GO HAND IN HAND. I’M REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE LEARNED THIS ISN’T TRUE. FINDING HAPPINESS AND INSPIRATION AT THE SAME TIME HAS BEEN REALLY COOL.

Lesson TWENTY-THREE

I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

Lesson TWENTY-FOUR

I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

Lesson TWENTY-FIVE

I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

Lesson TWENTY-SIX

I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson TWENTY-SEVEN

I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

Lesson TWENTY-EIGHT

I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

Lesson TWENTY-NINE

I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

Lesson THIRTY

My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE

[lovelysilence14]

My Review of Infinity War *Spoilers!*

So, I just saw Infinity War a few hours ago and I will admit... I ended up seeing some spoilers of it beforehand. -_- Yes, I know. But while I knew them... God, I was NOT expecting my emotional reaction to still be like someone took a freaking sledgehammer to my gut! Note: LONG RANT!!! I have A LOT to say about this movie!!!

This was me leaving the theater.

Oh my god, they’re all dead! My babies - my favorite heroes are DEAD!!! That painful and just about emotionally traumatic ending, did they want to rip my spine out along with my heart too while they were at it? I knew some of the deaths before hand - thank you internet - and yet it still socked me in my heart anyway.

My main heartache is for my precious Scarlet Witch and Vision. My OTP now tragic OTP is DEAD. That one stabbed me in my stomach the most hard. Which is why I am leaving my LONG lament on that at the bottom. My two laments first are going to be about the romantic relationship of Peter and Gamora and the father/son relationship pf Peter Parker and Tony.

For now anyway, since those ones really hit me like a sucker punch. Now, let’s get to it!

PETER AND GAMORA

His reaction to Gamora’s forced leaving with Thanos and death made my heart ache for him. Okay, one half of my heart. The other half was going “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?” since his blind rage of grief cost the team the one near successful chance at getting the gauntlet.

But, to be fair, she was the one - the ONE - woman he came to ever truly love. He was implied to be quite promiscuous before falling for Gamora. In GOTG part 2, he made an active effort to prove to her he had changed and wanted a real relationship with her. Then, after working for her to give him that chance, spends four years together with her happy and actually IN LOVE. Not brief infatuation and a casual and meaningless fling. He actually grew to sincerely love and care for her like a soulmate. Hell, he probably did see her as the one woman in the literal galaxy meant for him. She wasn’t one of his meaningless flings - he actually LOVED her. Which added to why hearing of her death hit him so hard that he carelessly allowed those grief stricken and outraged emotions cloud his better judgement. He just lost the one woman he ever fell in love with.

And after losing his mother to a needless death done by another man’s sick and selfish convenience to gain murderous power... yes, emotionally, I get it. But the logical part of my head still wants to smack him. Just a tad anyway.  

PETER PARKER AND TONY STARK

I did NOT expect his death WHATSOEVER. Maybe a dramatic wounding by Thanos, but outright DEATH? And in Tony’s arms on top of it. I was expecting to see Tony maybe die in front of Peter and hear him say how he can’t lose another father figure. Not again. Instead it turns itself COMPLETELY AROUND of our fan theory. In the beginning, we hear Tony talk about how he wants children with Pepper and wants to be a dad. I think these emotions came on during his time with Peter and establishing that father/son relationship with him and getting that glimpse of fatherhood.

(In Homecoming, we flatly hear Tony’s implied feelings of seeing Peter as a surrogate son when talking about how his father never really encouraged him and he wants to “break the cycle” by encouraging Peter in the way his dad never did.)

I will admit though, I did love their bickering on the spaceship with Tony scolding Peter for stowing away when he specifically told him to go back home.

Peter: “Really, this is your fault!”

Tony gives him a flat look

Peter: “Okay, NOT WHAT I MEANT!” Lol :D

But god, Peter’s death scene. Once again, we are cruelly reminded that despite Peter’s adult sized gifts, he is still just a kid. When telling Tony he didn’t feel good and Tony just wanting to assure him he is okay, even though they both know he isn’t. Then just crying and CLUTCHING to Tony and begging that he didn’t want to die and reminding us with a solid punch to our chests that he is still just a kid. And as he dies in his surrogate dad’s arms, who is trying to calm him down, he tells him he’s sorry for failing him.

And POOF... he’s literally just gone! And Tony just sitting there in shocked grief at losing the young boy he grew to see as his own KID and left simply hold his hand to his face that is smeared in Peter’s ashes. Biologically or not, emotionally, Peter WAS his kid. And that’s the type of pain that hurts the most in the world. And he just lost him and you know he feels responsible for it. And when Peter said sorry for failing him, I wanted to go, “But you didn’t fail him, Peter! You did your best to save the world! That’s the best ANY Avenger would do!” And he never got to know Tony was certainly NOT disappointed in him.

He died feeling like a failure and letdown for Tony.

We better see Tony have SOME sort of brief mental break down at this. You can’t have Tony grow to see Peter as his own son and not have even a brief scene of paternal grief and heartache. Not something OVERLY dramatic, but just a brief yet significant scene that shows Tony genuinely FELT Peter’s loss. My brother and I were even wondering if maybe in I.W Part 2 Tony might give his life to bring back Peter.

God, my heart cannot even handle that THOUGHT right now!

Now time for my BIGGEST heartbreak!

SCARLET WITCH AND VISION

Oh my god. I was so hoping that Vision would somehow get out of the fatal situation with his Mind Stone, but I guess that was an obvious tragic scene happening no matter what we wanted for him and Wanda. But it still RIPPED MY HEART OUT to see him and Wanda not get the happy ending they so RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!!!! God, that lip quiver though as she is forced to accept that she has to kill Vision no matter what she wants. I felt a sting in my chest just thinking about it.

She wanted nothing more than to save the one person she had left in the world that she cared about more than anything, even her own life. Only to be forced to kill Vision to save the literal universe and then being forced to see him brought back and slaughtered in a literal matter of SECONDS regardless of the mental hell she just put herself through?

SHE KILLED HER TRUE LOVE FOR NOTHING!!! And on top of it, the very last thing she heard him say as she is mournfully killing him is “I love you” the literal moment before she sees and likely FEELS him die. Can’t the MCU writers give this traumatized girl a freaking BREAK already?

Seeing Vision fall in love with Wanda was the most happiness I got out of the movie. Their early moments when spending a private and secret life together as a would-be normal couple had me squealing on the inside. Him fumbling around in his wording to describe his true feelings for Wanda had me grinning. It was just so cute! Paul Bettany and Elizabeth Olsen truly have GREAT chemistry! And Vision actually offering to run off and for them to try to be an official couple like normal people? Just run away from it all. God, I so wish we could have seen that! They deserved that life! Seeing that love they grew to have for each other made me fangirl and seeing their hearts break for each other just broke my own heart in two. :(

To think, a lot of people said that with Vision being an android, he couldn’t feel any emotion. No human level connections. Yet he spent the whole movie holding and kissing Wanda’s hand to show his love in the most basic physical form and only thinking of her personal safety even if it cost him his own. He just about begged her to kill him to save herself and everyone. And as she is killing him and flat out sobbing as she is doing it, his last and final words to her are “I love you”. Even though I just wish we saw her say it back, we at least know she was without a doubt thinking it. Maybe she sent that message through the Mind Stone as a final thought just before his tragic demise?

Seeing Wanda easily accept her death just about made my heart pinch. She lost her parents, her home village, her brother, the little bit of a family she had with the Avengers, then not only lose the man she fell in love with, but to actually be the one forced to kill him herself. Only for that trauma and pain to be in vain when Thanos undoes her execution and gets what he wanted from Vision anyway. She probably figured this was the only way for her to get her happiness and eternal peace. She was emotionally done with the never ending pain life had dealt onto her and wanted that peace she longed for once and for all. She was happy to finally just die and maybe even imagined being reunited with Vision and her brother and parents in death. She was finally getting all of that.

As I read in another posting, Wanda’s heart broke when she felt her brother and only person she had left in the world she loved die. Feeling and actually being the one to kill the man she fell in love with, again, the only person she had left in the world she dearly loved - even though she was forced and left no choice - was the moment of loss that broke her soul. When it was done, she couldn’t even get back up when knocked onto the ground in the explosion when Vision and his Mind Stone were killed. Even with Thanos himself literally right next to her and possibly even about to kill her, she literally could only just lie there on the ground, crying in heartbroken grief and defeat. Which is why when Thanos said he understood her pain, Wanda truly meant it when she said that he didn’t know the true depth of her pain.

After that, she was just DONE. And I can’t say that I blame her. She literally lost EVERYONE and everything she ever loved. :(  

God, SCARLET WITCH AND VISION BETTER GET THEIR HAPPY ENDING OR I SWEAR TO GOD I am NEVER paying money to see another MCU movie AGAIN!!! JUST TRY ME MCU WRITERS! YOU GUYS WANT MY MONEY?

GIVE THESE TWO A HAPPY ENDING!!! They deserve it, damn it! Hell WE the FANS deserve it! Our hearts have been royally ripped out along with poor Wanda’s!

MY HEART IS STILL RAW IN GRIEF! And it’s only been a few hours.

I have hope Vision and Wanda will be brought back. They are probably the most popular OTP ship in the MCU universe right now. God, I hope these two get their happy ending. Give us our Scarlet Vision happy ending!

WELL...

I think that’s it for my rant. For now. On a side note, thank GOD they didn’t do anything with the god awful Bruce and Natasha ship. I personally still cannot STAND that coupling. Thank god it was only a “Hi, nice to see you again” and left at that. THANK you for killing that and PLEASE just end that awful ship while you’re at it. PLEASE.

Just please cool our torn Scarlet Vision and Starmora hearts and give our characters a happy ending please? Pretty please?

[doctor-mycroft-fox]

And here am I again, complaining and being a crybaby on this website again. I can’t post on Twitter, too many people might see it, and I’ve already lost some friends about of that dumb story I keep talking about. 

The truth is I don’t know what to do? I don’t know what to say, everything is so shitty, and everything is a mess at the moment. I’m not that depressed during the day, mostly because I keep myself quite busy, I don’t have much time to think, and there’s always some friends from uni around to talk etc so I don’t really think but I’m not really there, I feel like I’m just numb to everything. When evening arrives, and I have to come home, I just want to run away, I don’t want to be in this house anymore, the people here, I just feel paranoid, I just feel like everybody hates me there (except for my Russian flatmate, she’s my Belgium Mum here). And they all make so much noise all the time, I’m so tired. 

The more I go to uni, the more I feel like I’ll fail, but it’s the only thing I have to go, so I do it, I go. Moreover I’m engaged in two team work so I can’t give them up. But seriously, this semester is so hardcore, I don’t even know how I’m gonna pass my exam, I’ll probably fail most of them, but well, at least I know it. The worst part is going to uni, feeling bad about not being able to cope with all the courses and the works, and seeing your friends managing to do it all and even more sometimes, and like... you’re there, and you can’t really complain because we’re all in the same shit and I’m tired of being the one who always complains. I complain because I just suck, that’s the truth. I suck at uni and I know it, but I still have a slight hope that I might maybe, with a miracle, manage to pass my exams ? I don’t even know. 

I finally live in Brussels, a city I’ve always wanted to live in, and I’m not even happy, I can’t even enjoy the city because I have too much work to do. 

I have this one friend, maybe the only one I can call a friend in Brussels, from uni, she’s really cool and protective about me sometimes it feels good to have someone like that, even more in times like this. But I feel guilty for the time she gives me, and the fact that she feels like she has to confort me or whatever.She has other important things to do like work for uni, and take care of her family and close friends, who am I to her but someone who passes in her life?  On the other hand, she’s the only one I feel confortable enough to talk about that dumb Russian asshole. She’s the only one that won’t judge me or else. 

I feel lonely even tho I know I have friends, but, most of my close friends I know I can’t talk to them about everything. The only friend I could talk about really everything and anything, well, just left my life. 

He truly has a toxic person in my life that I needed to get rid of. And I did, it’s a good thing. What I hate is how it happened. Long story short, we spend the entire month of October arguing about how he treated me poorly, and how he didn’t care about me at all, and I told him I wanted him out of my life, and he couldn’t even say (at least sober) why he wanted to keep me in his life as a close friend. He couldn’t tell me how much he cared about me, he couldn’t tell me that he loved him, he couldn’t do this, and admitted that I was the only one he couldn’t actually say it to, and he didn’t even know why. The more I think about, the more I feel like he did all of this just to make me suffer even more. I’m almost convinced he did that with the purpose to torture me even more. Anyway, he just kept on feeding me hope during the entire month, asking me (begging) me to give me a last chance, again and again (because he kept on fucking up his chances every time) until he finally asked me for a break. A break that I didn’t want, I know him, he’s a dumb asshole, and a break would just please him, he’d have the feeling he’d won the battle, and would forget all about what I told him, and blamed him, I just feel good again, while I’ll just keep on feeling more and more shit because of him. And that’s what happened, he just left me like that, with no guarantee, nothing. God I hate him for doing that to me. And he does that on purpose, he knows how it drives me crazy. I truly think he likes to know that I’m suffering. Or worst, he doesn’t care at all about me. That’s probably the best hypothesis. 

I mean, how could he left me like that ? Like he really did care that little about him to let me go like that ? Not even with a last fight. Oh and I didn’t talk about his dumb tweets during his break “I know you’re mad at me but I love you - (I’m sober if that matters)”. He deleted these tweets right after I liked them. Like yeah, I love you but not too much eh, and I just post that here so you just suffer even more. He keeps on feeding me with hopes and let me suffer. Why can’t he just say goodbye and truly let me go ? Why does he have to do that to me ? What have I done to him to deserve that ? I just want him to let me go once and for all. Last week, I was tired of waiting for him, and just sent him a message to say that if he didn’t do something by the end of the week, guess what ? He first replied to me to kind of insult me because I didn’t reply to his phone calls, then tried to make me feel like the bad person who doesn’t hold on her promesses. The irony, when he’s actually the one who’s been lying to me for more than a year now. I eventually told me that he would do what “he planned to do” on the Friday afternoon. And guess what ? He did nothing. He once again gave me hope for nothing, just to gloat over my pain I guess ? To give me again a bit of hope so I’d think about that all weekend long for nothing. I really hoped until midnight. I sent him a message at 00.30am to ask him if it was finally over and complain that he couldn’t even have the guts to say goodbye and to undertake the fact that his only plan was to just gave up on me (maybe because he realised that I was right when I told him that he’d be better off without me) and no answer since then. Oh and also, he putted on some social media a new username like thisisnotover, omg stop him I want to stab him a thousand times (at least if I do that his father would find me back and kill him, all advantages to me since I am too much of a coward to kill myself), he continues to be that dumb ass shit and feeding me hopes just to see me suffering. At what moment, when you want to keep someone in your life (and you keep saying so), you just can time the deadline this person gives you ? Show that you want to get better for that person and do things on time FFS. He stopped his break this week (yeah I checked his Twitter account even tho I know I shouldn’t and I try to do it as less as possible) but didn’t send me anything. Just reply, just say goodbye for fuck’s sake. 

I just spend my day numb, not even able to think properly, wandering at the university, I don’t even know how I found the force to work, I just act like a robot when I’m there. And my nights, it’s just me crying to sleep every time, I don’t even know why I cry ? I wanted him out of my life. But I guess it’s just the way it happens that drives me crazy. And the fact that I cared so much about someone that never gave a shit about me. I did so much for him, even when I think about it now I just feel bad for myself for doing so much for him while he’s not able to do just a little for me... anyway. 

I’ll just be the typical emo girl that will finish all that with a quote from a BMTH song. Never been much of a fan of this band, but True Friends really stick well to my current mood and his behaviour. 

I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? It's funny how things work out Such a bitter irony Like a kick right to the teeth It fell apart right from the start But I couldn't even see the forest for the trees (I'm afraid you asked for this) You've got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine You made your bed when you worried about mine This ends now I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do And now you know, now you know True friends stab you in the front It's kind of sad cause what we had Well it could have been something I guess it wasn't meant to be (So how dare you) Try and steal my flame Just cause yours faded Well hate is gasoline A fire fuelling all my dreams (I'm afraid you asked for this) You've got a lot of nerve, but not a lot of spine You made your bed when you worried about mine This ends now I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you Cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you Don't you know, don't you know True friends stab you in the front? I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you You broke my heart & there's nothing you can do And now you know, now you know True friends stab you in the front You can run, but you can't hide Time won't help you Cause karma has no deadline You can run, but you can't hide Time won't help you Cause karma has no deadline

I don’t even know if someone will read this shit, but I’ll probably delete it in few days when I’ll regret writing this.