#reading watching listening playing diaries

[austrechildes]

This week…

📚 L’âge heureux: le journal de Delphine – Odette Joyeux

📽️ His – 2020

📺 Who Rules the World – 2022

💿 Grace– Jeff Buckley

🎮 Moonlighter

[icewindandboringhorror]

I've referenced before how I have a big google document to keep track of every media I've ever seen in my entire life (just for reference because I like to track everything possible lol… I am the Data Collector), but recently as I was updating it, I thought of actually evaluating them to find out random percentages (like for example, out of Total Shows Watched, what percentage did I finish vs. stop watching, what percentage did I like or dislike, etc.)...

Evaluating these things is made easier by the fact that I already place everything on each subsection of the list into 6 broad ranking categories, so I don't have to go back and guess to figure out how I feel about them or anything. The categories are: Ranking 5 - overall best* (despite some criticisms of course because I'm too much of an Analyzer to ever find anything Perfect lol) Ranking 4 - more positive than neutral, but not good enough to be 5 Ranking 3 - either the good + bad negate each other, OR it's just not memorable/interesting in any way enough to be ranked higher or lower (this is the Default category ALL things are placed in if no other rank applies) Ranking 2 - maybe a few redeemable elements but largely more negatives than positives Ranking 1 - So bad that it circles around to being fascinating to observe in some way (not necessarily Funny, or Good, but just interesting somehow) Ranking 0 - Bad in a genuinely frustrating or obnoxious manner

*("best" primarily defined here as most interesting, rather than most good in a technical sense, or some other measure. I tend to value more highly whether there's something novel or thoughtful about the worldbuilding, tone, writing, base premise, etc - than about whether it's actually executed perfectly.)

And here's the amount of shows that have so far been placed into each category -

TV shows ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 20 shows ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 28 shows ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 114 shows ~ Rank 2 (mid low) -33 shows ~ Rank 1 (low low but intriguingly so) - 14 shows ~ Rank 0 (iredeemably low) - 2 shows

This would make for a total of 211 TV shows overall. However, there are 57 shows within these list marked as "didn't finish" (typically meaning I quit on the very first or second episode - but log them still to keep a record that I at least had a brief view of them).

So my total of genuinely fully watched shows would be more 154. 211 Total, but a More Accurate Total of 154.

Counting them all and using the Total Number Of The List (211) -- that means roughly 9.5% of all total shows I have ever watched (or at least attempted to watch) have been Mostly Good, 13% have been Moderately Okay, 54% have been either entirely Forgettable or some mix of good + bad that lands them right in the Neutral Middle, 15.6% have been Mostly Bad, 6.6% have been Bad (but in an interesting way), and 0.9% have been Terribly Bad.

Additionally, I didn't even get past the first two episodes of about 27% of the total.

Sooo, discounting ones I didn't finish, my total TV shows ever watched in my life would be about 154 (maybe give or take a few, assuming I might have forgotten some from very long ago).

But instead of entire life, let's just say this is the total for 'About 20 Years' (so, not counting very early childhood when I likely wouldn't remember things I saw/have no detailed recollection of them (like for example, I'm sure at some point when I was like 4yrs old I must have seen an episode of Spongebob or something, but I have zero distinct memories of it, can't quote anything of it, and barely recall the premise - so I don't count it on the list, etc.)).

In that case, 154 divided by 20 would be roughly 7.7 shows a year.

Which is actually surprisingly low considering that I often have stuff on in the background for hours whilst I make sculptures and do costumes and stuff (maybe I should have also marked some distinction between 'things I fully paid attention to' and 'things I kind of half listened to whilst sculpting', but that would further split the categories too much probably lol), but I guess a lot of that is youtube videos or random documentaries, so .. eh.. maybe I get it being lower.

Now, doing the same thing for movies-

Movies ~ Rank 5 (highest) - 4 movies (3.4% of total) ~ Rank 4 (mid-high) - 12 movies (10.3% of total) ~ Rank 3 (neutral/default/meh) - 91 movies (78.4% of total) ~ Rank 2 (mid low) - 8 movies (6.8% of total) ~ Rank 1 (low but interesting) - 1 movie (0.8% of total) ~ Rank 0 (irredeemably low) - none in this category (0%)

That makes 116 for a Total (Actually Remembered) Movies Watched In Lifetime (Or At Least In 20 Years).

116 divided by 20 is roughly 5 or 6 movies a year (I feel this has probably been skewed though by adding everything since like elementary school onwards, as I remember a lot more movies from child/teen years.. Whereas, the past 3 years I feel like I've barely seen maybe even 5 movies?? lol). I also have "Didn't Finish" marked on 18 of them. Which means I quit halfway through about 15% of the total movies.

So, a for broader summary stuff..

I seem to be less forgiving to movies than tv shows, by far. Which makes sense to me, I guess, because I love elaboration and details, so "short form" things that only last an hour or two are often lost on me a bit. My biggest complaint with movies is indeed usually walking away just wishing there had been more exposition, more scenes where characters are doing nothing, more "mindless bantering" conversations, more Quiet Downtime and Lore Elaboration and so on lol, so... of course most 1-2hr films end up feeling a bit Not Enough To Draw My Interest/Nothingy to me.

If you count 5 and 4 as "like" and rankings 2 to 0 as "dislike", then for TV shows I at least somewhat liked 48 of them, and at least somewhat disliked 47 of them.. So it's almost exactly the same lol. I'm just about equally as likely to find something bad as I am to find something redeeming about it. But overall, the largest chance is that I just won't really care much for it at all and it will be tossed into the 'neutral' pile, forgotten forever. Movies have a bit better of a balance, "liking" 16 of them, and "disliking" only 9 of them. So I'm slightly more likely to enjoy a movie than to find it annoying - though still VASTLY more likely to just not find it anything in particular, possibly not even finishing it.

ANYWAY.. this is vague and literally pointless, but like I said, I just really find information fun. Like my document where I've rated every apple flavor I've ever tried (like 40 of them now?), or reviewed every oreo flavor (32?), or ranking data from my entire 10 years of Trying To Make Friends process (out of 100 people, roughly 8% chance of a moderate compatibility, 3% chance of high), or etc. etc.. I love to have random pointless things to analyze I suppose lol.

I doubt anyone tracks things in their life in this same exact way, but I'd be interested in hearing any at least somewhat similar data !!! (like, how many TV shows you watch a year on average, and what percentage of those you like vs. dislike (if you keep track of that sort of thing), etc.)). I guess it might be easier with movies, since I think some people use those websites where you curate a list of movies you've seen and you can rate them or something, so maybe the numbers are already available on those places. :0

[cyberjam]

ATSV HEADCANON: they have a crush on you . . . ☆

warnings - none really, super fluffy and adorable :), semi-proof read so i apologize for grammatical errors if there are any! no use of name or y/n, gender-neutral reader!

word count - 2.1k

main masterlist <3

☆ . . . miles morales

I imagine you two already being well-acquainted friends with each other once he realized his feelings for you. For quite some time he had a crush on gwen but now his heart strings are pulling him towards you, so he's struggling when it comes to addressing his feelings.

If you're in the same room as Miles, he will stare. Any conversation that he was having before is long forgotten and all that's on his mind is you.

Miles doesn't need to study, he's one of the top students in school. But he continues to go on study dates with you because he likes being in your presence and sharing his headphones with you while eating yummy pastries.

He has an entire journal dedicated to you. Said journal includes: small journal entries of his day with you, little quotes of the funny/cute things you've said that stuck with him throughout the day, candid drawings of you that he created whenever you two hung out, cute sketches of you and him stargazing or slow-dancing together (and other secret drawings of him saving you as spider-man and cradling your body in his big strong arms but we won't get into that...)

Miles really can't get enough of you. He laughs extra loud at your jokes even if they aren't funny, his heartbeat quickens at the mention of your name, he'll offer you his jacket even if you don't need it, he always smiles when something reminds him of you, he'll share his headphones with you and shyly ask if you and him can make a "study playlist" (he listens to it at night while drawing you), and overall is just madly in love with you.

He wants to be with you more than anything, he's just struggling to find the right time to ask you. <3

"Hey, don't touch that! It's- No! It's not a diary, it's just...secret."

☆ . . . gwen stacy

She's pretty awkward herself. You were assigned to be partners for a project that would play a big part in your final grade, she came off slightly cold and seemed to be annoyed at your presence which made your relationship start off rocky. In reality she was just stressed, juggling her spider duties, getting kicked out of her house, and then school on top of that, it was just a lot. But when you made the effort to plan things and work around her busy schedule (that you didn't really know anything about) she started to become grateful for you.

Your parents welcomed her kindly each time she came over to study and whenever she would leave she was happy with a full belly and a sore face from smiling and laughing with you all night. The project was supposed to be done by the end of the semester but you and gwen were able to finish it the first month you got it. That didn't stop her bi-weekly visits, that then turned weekly, until she was suddenly walking home with you everyday, from and to school.

She likes to compare hands, shoes, and height just to see the difference in sizes. On walks back from school she'll give you a piggyback ride if you ask nicely. She also likes laying her head in your lap, if you run your fingers through her hair she'd be fast-asleep within 5 minutes.

You and her tend to share your oversized clothes together, You always wash her jackets/sweaters after you wear them, which she absolutely loves. She's fallen asleep curled up in your hoodie, inhaling the scent and listening to whatever song you rambled about the previous morning on repeat until she finally asks you to just make her a playlist. Hobie definitely knows about you, only because she slipped up by saying too much.

She enjoys staying over your house during rainy days. She tends to tense up whenever you're watching tv together on your bed and your head falls on her shoulder. During missions in other spider-verses gwen has taken little souvenirs from different worlds and given them to you, she always does it in a nonchalant way as if she wasn't grinning ear to ear on her way back, excited to see how you'd react.

You don't have sleepovers often but when you do they always seem more intimate than your usual hangouts. When you wake up and see gwen flustered on the other side of the bed you never understand why, not knowing that when you were fast asleep she woke up cuddled into you, nuzzling her body into yours.

"I-uhm. I-uh just had a weird dream. Nothing to worry about, heh.."

☆ . . . pavitr prabhakar

It's very obvious he has a crush on you, it might as well be written on his forehead. He follows you around like a lost puppy. He's constantly offering to carry your books, opening doors for you, paying for your snacks, and even giving you hand massages when you've been writing an essay for too long. He's just completely whipped for you and you're not even dating (yet).

You were a transfer student and he was assigned to show you around Mumbai. He found himself getting giddy at your cute reactions to the different sights he took you to. He adored how you were filled with so much curiosity and wonder, the awestruck look in your eyes when you saw the pretty lights at night and just how genuinely excited you seemed to stay and explore Mumbai. Since then, he's been glued to your side.

He's such a gentleman, you can tell he was raised right. Whenever you're talking his full attention is on you, nobody else matters in this moment but you. He'll even get a bit upset if someone cuts you off, ignoring whatever they're saying and urging you to continue. His legs feel wobbly around you, he gets dizzy at the sight of you, and he feels like he's floating whenever you smile at him.

There have been multiple occasions where you've caught him staring at you, depending on how he feels that day he'll either smirk and gently wave or quickly turn away with a blush on his face. He gushes about you to Hobie and Miles all of the time. They know so much about you and they've never even met you.

A true romantic. He buys you a singular flower one week out of the day, always explaining the meaning and where they originate from. (all of them are a variation of romance/love)

He tends to lean into you whenever you speak. More than one person has pointed out that you both tend to mirror each other's actions. He's feigning for your touch more than anything, a simple brush of your shoulders and he's full on putty in your hands.

He won't outright confront you when he figures out you like him, instead he'll invite you on a nightly walk. Taking you up to a rooftop with a gorgeous view, and gently resting his jacket on your shoulders. You'll sit for a while enjoying the scenery before he turns to you and says...

"a person as beautiful as yourself shouldn't wander this world alone.."

☆ . . . hobie brown

What a nightmare. He is constantly teasing and flirting with you. Always doubling over in laughter when he sees you get all flustered and the words you so badly wanna spew at him get stuck in your throat.

I imagine you both to be spider-people, you're a little more stuck-up than he is which is why he likes to tease you so much. Little by little your reactions fueled something deeper in him. He no-longer found himself flirting with you because he liked seeing how aggravated he could get you but because that was his way of approaching you and saying all of the things he wanted to while being able to play it off as a joke.

Besides teasing you relentlessly, he can be really caring and attentive to you when he wants to be. If you're in the medic he'll stop by pretty often to make sure you're okay. The only reason you found out is because you woke up to him fast asleep next to your bedside, feet propped on your bed and his vest laid across his torso like a blanket.

He'll eat the foods on your plate that you don't like. If you fall asleep he'll lay his vest onto your body and even move your position if it looks uncomfortable. If he senses danger before you he'll move you of the way as fast as he possibly can, but if he's not close enough he'll give you a heads up before anyone else. He tends to stare at you sometimes, always smiling gently to himself.

When you two get closer as friends he'll play any song on his guitar if you ask him nicely. He'll even give you lessons if you really want them. Carefully throwing his guitar over your torso, he brings his much larger hands to yours. You can feel his chest against your back, and the waves of his warm breath on your neck as he teaches you how to play. He'll also let you wear his jacket, saying it looks better on you than him. He might let you keep it, only in exchange for one of your jackets. (he sleeps with your jacket on, it makes him feel close to you.)

Hobie often checks up on you during missions, sometimes saying teasing phrases to get you riled up but mostly to make sure you're holding up okay. "you alright there, peaches? you took quite the hit."

Once he finds out you like him, he eases up on the teasing, but he doesn't refrain from dropping subtle hints of his knowingness that you like him. He's just waiting for you to finally say something.

"Yknow, if i ain't know any better i'd say you were doing this 'cause you like me."

☆ . . . miguel o' hara

You worked beside him in Alchemax, the two of you were assigned as partners. At first he didn't care much for you, simply telling you to stay out of his way and that he didn't need any help, but after Lyla practically forced him to be a cordial lab partner and work with you, he started to take a liking towards you. Sadly, it took months for him to tolerate you and even longer for him to like you.

Although he was quite stuck-up and practically seemed on edge most of the time, you were able to break through those confined walls and have a comfortable-playful work relationship with him. Every-time you made a joke or a light quip about his attitude he'd always respond with sarcasm, still not being able to hide the tiny smile that graced his face at your foolish acts.

He always runs his projects by you before submitting them. (and then lyla to triple check) He'll stop by and pick up empanadas from his favorite store, always boasting about how it's the best in Nueva York and you'll never taste anything better. Eventually he brings in a hefty share of empanadas that you two share over lunch time, your conversation flowing naturally without the teasing but with a fluffier feeling flowing through the air.

He pretends to be annoyed when he catches you over-working but he's genuinely worried for you. Always shaking his head in a disapproving way when he finds you fast asleep on your desk, papers scattered, and drool falling past your lips. Quietly scolding you in spanish before throwing his lab coat over your shoulders and organizing your papers neatly.

He tends to act unbothered when you do something that shows you care for him but in reality it makes his heart stutter and his stomach feel all loopy. He hates it because it makes him feel like a middle-schooler when they get their first crush but another part of him absolutely adores it and his main motivation to get up to go to work in the morning is you, although he'll never admit it.

If a co-worker is ever rude to you he will be the first to defend you, not hesitating to get in their face with a nasty scowl painting his features. On Friday's he made it his personal mission to walk you home, you two slowly walk side-by-side, quietly laughing to yourselves as you reminisce on lab accidents and old memories. There's a slight gleam in his eyes when you make it to your apartment door. He turns to you almost hesitantly, before stepping closer to you. He whispers a question, so quiet and soft you almost wouldn't be able to hear it.

"Can I kiss you?"

omg i hope you guys liked it! requests are still open btw and thank you for reading! <3

likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated <33

[i2sunric]

𝐃𝐈𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐄 (l.hs)

PAIRING: toxic!heeseung x reader

SUMMARY: after confronting your boyfriend with his neverending addictions, worried that he might just ruin himself, you two end up in yet another fight. it wasn’t new that the best way of resolving it was fucking you in his car, was it?

WARNINGS: toxic relationship. based on the newest single by chase atlantic ‘die for me’, fighting, alcohol consumption, mentions of weed and drugs in general (+ ecstasy tabs), unprotected sex (don’t be silly, wrap your willy!!), rough sex, degrading kink, car sex, doggystyle, he gives reader a finger in asshole (literally), spit kink (?), why is this slightly angst (if u squint ig), riding, creampie, pet names (angel, baby, good girl, slut), manhandling, meandom!heeseung, kinda cnc (but i’m not sure), humping, overstimulation, lmk if more. NOT PROOFREAD.

PUBLISHED: 25th August 2024

WC: 4.7k

TAGLIST: (permanent) @stolasisyourparent @jaeyunsbimbo @jwnghyuns @bangtancultsposts @shawnyle @jooniesbears-blog @skzenhalove @ro-diaries @onlyhyunjin @xcosmi @strawberrhypen @heeheeswifey @destinyhoon @jakeflvrz @emisloves @astratlantis @tunafishyfishylike (oneshot) @dollyrst @mitmit01 @heeseungsbm @rayofsunshineeee @seungjiseyo @simja3 @sweetlyxaqq09 @cloud-lyy BOLDS COULD NOT BE TAGGED.

NOW PLAYING: ‘DIE FOR ME’ by Chase Atlantic — ‘on your knees’ by ex habit — ‘Sinners’ by Ari Abdul ft. Thomas Larosa

a/n: please REBLOG & COMMENT and not only like since i’ve been shadowbanned nowadays. i highly recommend listening to the songs i previously listed while reading for a better experience 🫶 take care!!

With your heart in your throat and your whole body freezing due to autumn’s weather, you hurried towards Jay’s house, which was fortunately a few blocks away from yours.

You had gotten yet another call from the poor guy, asking you to come and fetch your boyfriend, who was apparently making a fuss.

It wasn’t rare, but it had gotten more frequent for him to go batshit at parties.

And it was your job to clean after his mess.

The music that came inside was so loud it only added to the headache you already had.

Taking a deep breath, you pushed the door open and found Jay waiting for you, biting his nails.

“Thank God you’re here.” He breathed out, quickly turning around “He’s gone mad, I swear.”

You had to just round the corner to the living room and there stood Heeseung, taking a guy by the collar, his fit raised in the air.

“Heeseung!” You shouted, but he was so deep in his own mind he couldn’t hear you.

“What the fuck did call me?” Heeseung growled, his mouth straight into a grimace.

The boy’s eyes were wide, as if he understood he had just poked the bear and couldn’t step back anymore “I’m sorry man, ok? I was just joking.”

Heeseung scoffed, “Oh, and I am joking too.” He raised his fist higher and was about to strike, but you stepped in and held his arm.

“Heeseung.” You hissed, lower this time, a whisper only meant for him.

He turned to you with an annoyed expression until his eyes took in the sight of you, recognising you.

Safe. He knew you, so he slowly lowered his arm.

“Let go.” You said, beckoning to the guy’s collar. Heeseung gave him another dangerous gaze before pushing him away.

He fell, but at least he didn’t have a broken nose.

Heeseung turned around and placed his hand on your waist “Did I hurt you?” He asked and by his bloodshot eyes and how you could barely see any white in them, you knew he was far gone.

You shook your head, “I just arrived.” Heeseung took in the sight of your baggy and cozy clothes.

Obviously, you had hurried there as soon as Jay made the call, not even bothering changing.

All the people in the living room were watching the two of you with both curious and wary expressions, “Let’s get in the car.” You said, Heeseung wasn’t their circus.

Mouthing a quick ‘sorry’ to the guy who almost had an encounter with his fist, you dragged your boyfriend out of the house.

Jay gave you a sympathetic nod before closing the house behind you, blocking out the deafening music.

Heeseung grabbed your hand and walked to the parking lot, opening the car door and shoving you in the passenger seat before rounding it and entering the vehicle as well.

The walk and fresh air should’ve sobered him up, at least just a little. You hoped.

As soon as he sat beside you, a scoff left your lips “Seriously, Heeseung?” You asked, “It’s the third time this week and it’s barely Thursday!”

He let out a low sigh, and reached out to caress your cheek. He had a sheepish look, and he was staring at you guiltily, though, you were sure he doubtfully had any regret.

“Just once more,” He said quietly. “And I'll control myself after this.” Both of you knew that it was just another empty promise.

“Like last time, and the time before that.” You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms “I don’t buy your bullshit, not anymore.”

His jaw tensed as he tried to remain patient. He knew you had every right to be mad at him, but could he blame him for wanting an escape?

“I’ll behave for a week, okay?” He asked, his leg bouncing, unable to stay still “Just give me this one last time.”

You frowned, noticing his strange behaviour “What did you take?”

Heeseung was caught off guard by the sudden question, and averted his gaze away from you, “It's just alcohol,” He replied, a slight edge in his tone “Quit fussing. We’re just going for a drive and letting off some steam.”

“You’re not driving,” You replied, your eyes widen “You’re as high as a kite, you think I don’t know that?”

Annoyance was now brewing in his gaze, and he clenched his jaw.

He wanted to snap at you for not trusting him, but a rational part of him knew deep down that he didn’t deserve your trust.

He hated that you knew him so well.

“I’m fine,” He insisted, stubbornly, taking out the car keys from the front pocket of his jeans. “I've driven drunk a hundred times. this is nothing.”

“That’s not something to be proud of,” You replied, stealing the keys from his hand. His reflexes were sloppy, so he couldn’t stop you in time. “One day you’ll either kill or get yourself killed.”

“Give it back.” He demanded, his voice low “I’ll take us to your house, we can’t stay here all night.”

“But we will if you don’t start talking.” You snapped, hiding the keys behind your back

Heeseung was taken aback by the harshness of your tone, and he was starting to get impatient as well.

“Why do you always have to be so stubborn?” He asked, his voice dropping an octave. “Just shut up and let me drive, I know what I’m doing.”

“You can’t speak without tripping over your tongue,” You questioned again, “What did you take?”

“I told you, it’s just alcohol,” He lied, his words coming out in a frustrated hiss. “Why won’t you just trust me?”

“Because you don’t give me reasons to trust you!” You spat back, your brows furrowed “What did you take?”

Heeseung was getting tired of the repetition, and the tone of your voice was starting to wear him down. He leaned in to bring his lips next to your ear.

“I just took a few ecstasy tabs, okay? And alcohol. Nothing major,” He whispered, his breath hot against your skin. “Just leave it be, alright?”

You willed your body not to show any signs of how his vicinity was affecting you “Nothing major? Heeseung, you were doing drugs.”

He leaned back and rolled his eyes, trying to brush it off “It’s just to have some fun.” He retorted “And I can make my own choices, you don’t need to be so uptight.”

“Being uptight is different from being worried!” You snapped “Getting high is not having fun. I closed an eye with the occasional weed you smoke, but this? Taking ecstasy tabs?”

Heeseung rolled his eyes as you nagged him about his life choices again. He knew that you weren’t wrong, but he hated admitting it.

He hated feeling like you were lecturing him, like he was a kid being scolded by his parents.

“Why are you so fixated on what I do?” He asked, his tone growing harsher. “I can handle myself, dammit.”

“Oh, I can see that very well.” You eyed him up and down, “You were about to attack a guy, and what for? Because he foul-mouthed you?”

He raised a brow. “He deserved it, if you didn’t come I would’ve done more than break his nose.”

The seriousness in his voice made your stomach churn. You hated to admit it, but you were scared of him sometimes.

You knew he would never lay a hand on you, deep inside he cared for you, but he didn’t care about himself at all and it served him as hatred towards others.

“Please, Heeseung.” You sighed, “Drugs aren’t something to play with. They’re dangerous.”

“A few ecstasy tabs or edibles won’t kill me, ya know?” He scoffed, running a hand in his hair.

He looked so beautiful, despite his bloodshot eyes and angry frown, he was still attractive.

“Jay called me again because you were ruining his party.” You pleaded with him to listen “Can’t you see that not even your friends want to be with you anymore?”

That worked.

Heeseung suddenly grasped your waist and pulled you onto his laps, holding you firmly in place “Enough,” He growled “I’m done listening to your lectures.”

You frowned, trying to move from his iron grip “I am not done.”

Heeseung let out a frustrated huff, and pulled you even closer, “Well, too bad,” He retorted. “You talk too much, and you nag too much, it's so annoying.”

He brought his lips close to your ear, and his voice dropped even lower. “Maybe I should just shut you up, hm?”

You didn’t like the way your body grew so weak for him, how it seemed to melt under his touch.

You needed to be strong, to let him hear your worries, so you tried to fight his grasp again.

But his grip on you was unwavering, and he didn’t even budge as you tried to push him away.

“Don’t you get it, baby?” He whispered huskily, his voice holding a hint of condescension. “I don't listen to you,

especially not when you nag.”

“I’m not doing this with you,” You said, feeling his hands on your body “I’m worried about you, Hee, we all are.”

“Enough,” He grumbled. “I don’t need your lectures.” He nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck “Why can’t you just let me be?”

His hands moved to hold your hips, forcing them to rock against his “Heeseung, stop.”

Heeseung wasn’t listening to a word you were saying, his mind clouded by the alcohol and drugs in his system.

He continued to press his face against your neck, peppering it with rough kisses, his hands began to wander to the hem of your shirt, slowly lifting it up.

“Let me have this,” He murmured, his voice deep and desperate. “I need you right now.”

You closed your eyes, a soft sigh escaping your lips “No.” You tried to say firmly “You need to go home and sleep the drug off.”

Heeseung let out a frustrated whine as you tried to resist him, and he dug his fingers into your skin.

He pulled away from your neck to look at you, his gaze filled with a mixture of irritation and desire. “I need you. I need you right now.”

He leaned closer, his lips brushing against yours. “Baby, please,” He pleaded, his voice growing soft and gentle. “Just for a little bit, please.”

Seeing him in such a desperate state made your heart ache.

At least, he had exited the party and followed you in the car.

At least, he was there with you and not in the streets, causing messes for both himself and others.

“Okay,” You whispered, gulping down the good sense.

He pressed his forehead against yours. “I just need a little release,” He mumbled. “Just a little bit... you’ll give it to me, won’t you, baby?”

As he made you grind on him you quickly matched his rhythm, slowly moving on him.

He was growing more desperate for you, his body craving yours “That’s it,” He muttered, his voice thick with lust “Hump me just like that, baby.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck, bringing his face close to your clothed chest “I’m just worried about you.” You said quietly.

Heeseung felt a flicker of guilt as you held onto him, and he reluctantly pushed it away. He didn’t want to be reminded of his mistakes.

“You worry too much,” he mumbled gruffly. “I'm fine, just stop nagging at me.”

You let out a small moan when his hips bucked up to meet yours and he said “Let me have you, baby.”

He could sense you surrender and smirked, leaning his head to suckle on your neck.

He wasn’t gentle, he left bites, brushing his tongue against it to soothe the pain.

But he wanted you to feel it, wanted you to know that pain was an occurrence if you stayed with him.

And you were too lovestruck to care, you realised.

Heeseung raised your shirt and tossed it on the passenger seat, burying his face in the middle of your breasts still contained by your bra.

He looked up at you, his gaze was clearer but darker as well, like the drug's effect was replaced by lust.

His cheeks were tinted with pink, his lips parted and you couldn’t help but grind on his clothed bulge, as if to reward him for being there.

Heeseunge closed his eyes and let out a deep moan as he felt you grinding on him, the friction sending waves of pleasure through his body.

Hee leaned his head back against the seat, his mouth slightly open as he let out a shaky exhale. “Fuck, angel,” He groaned, gripping your hips tightly, “Keep going, just like that, baby.”

Such a nickname was reserved only to you, because you were his angel, too good to be with a devil like him.

Still, you didn’t run. You never tried to.

What a fool.

His brows furrowed, only then remembering the reason behind your argument. He wanted to make you forget it, he had to.

“Angel,” He whispered, stopping you from moving, “I need to be inside of you, please.”

You bit your bottom lip and murmured, “But we don’t have a condom…”

Heeseung cursed under his breath as you reminded him about the lack of protection, his frustration growing once again.

He didn’t want to be denied, and the last thing he wanted right now was to stop.

He leaned forward and captured your lips in a rough, possessive kiss, his hands roaming all over your bare back. “I don’t care,” He mumbled against your lips. “I need you now, I don’t care if we have a condom or not.”

You were a weak girl, you knew that despite how much you tried to resist; you would always give in. And Heeseung was very much aware.

You stared down at him, your voice quiet as you said “I guess I could buy a pill tomorrow?”

He pulled away from the kiss with a sly grin “Good girl,” He murmured, his eyes dark and lustful “That’s what I wanted to hear.”

You hadn’t even realised he put a hand behind to pull the seat back until you were thrown in the backseats of the car, manoeuvred not so gently.

Heeseung was behind you in the matter of a second, your head was resting on the seat while your backside was in the air.

He leaned down, his body pressing against yours, and he started to plant a trail of rough kisses down your neck.

His hands roamed over your body, grabbing your hips and pulling you closer to him. “You look so sexy like this, baby,” He murmured, huskily.

You felt his bulge pressing in between your ass cheeks while his skilled fingers unclasped your bra, rough callous grasping them, kneading at the soft flesh.

Heeseung pulled your pants down, without even bothering to remove them properly, and dove in to lick a stripe out of your wet folds.

You moaned, your eyes squeezing “Hee.”

Heeseung murmured “Fuck baby, you always taste so good.”

He hummed at himself when you felt you press your backside against him, eager to be filled.

“Such a good girl,” He whispered “Always so willing for me. mh?”

He quickly worked his jeans down, enough just to take his hard cock out.

You yelped when he aligned it to your entrance and pushed in without any warning, the stretch too painful without any prepping.

Fighting was your favourite type of foreplay, anyways.

Heeseung leaned down, his mouth hovering over your ear. “Too much, baby?” he whispered, his voice soft and mocking.

Your eyes were squeezed tight as you tried to adjust “T-too much.” You replied, feeling jolts of pain shooting through your lower region.

He smirked at your response, feeling a sense of pride at your admission. Heloved knowing that he was the one causing you to feel this way.

“Oh angel,” He chuckled mockingly, “But you can take it.” And with those words he started moving. Rather slower than his usual pace, and that you were thankful.

You yelped in pain and so, Heeseung moved his fingers to gently circle on your clit “You need to relax, baby.”

Because for how much of an asshole Heeseung could be, he would never intentionally hurt you.

At least, not like that, he wanted to bring you the good kind of pain.

“Relax,” He groaned, feeling your walls clenching so hard around him “You’re almost pushing me out.”

You took steady breaths, trying to will your body to adjust to the thick intrusion.

Slowly, your frown contorted into an expression of pleasure.

He picked up the pace, his movements becoming more forceful.

“You feel so good baby,” He gripped your waist, your flesh burning in his grasp “So sweet and tight, just for me.”

You nodded, giving yourself completely to him “Just for you.” You mumbled, your voice muffled by being pressed against the seat.

“Ah, ah.” Heeseung pulled your hair into a makeshift ponytail and raised you, adding pain to the pleasure “I didn’t quite catch that.”

You whimpered, trying to reach his hand and pull your hair away but Heeseung caught both of your arms, pinning them behind your back “Answer me.”

“J-just for you.” And Heeseung rewarded you by picking up the pace, the sound of skin slapping and squelch filling the car, its windows fogging up.

“Good girl,” He smiled, releasing the grip in your hair and moving it to choke you instead. He licked your earlobe, tasting the saltiness of your sweaty skin “Tell me, who do you belong to?”

You shut your lips, you weren’t going to give in to his contorted and possessive kink.

You were your own persona, no one else’s.

And Heeseung didn’t like that, no, he pushed you back on the seat and held your head down, smashing your cheeks.

He slapped your ass, so hard it must’ve left a red mark “Fucking answer me, who do you belong to?” His voice was low, dangerous.

A broken whimper left your lips, the sweet sensation of his cock rutting inside you combined with his rough handling making your head spin.

“That’s not the right answer.” He taunted, his thrusts becoming deeper, hitting all the right spots.

Heeseung knew you were close, but he wasn’t going to make you cum if you wouldn’t answer such a simple question.

“Having a cock inside of you makes you so dumb?” He mocked, slapping your ass once more “You’re such a slut, can’t think when you have me buried deep inside ya?”

His words only made you clench around him, you were mad at him for treating you like that, but you were mad at yourself for liking it.

“Say. It.” His voice was dripping with impatience but you shook your head.

Heeseung scoffed, leaning down next to your ear “I can do this all night, baby,” He whispered huskily “I can keep going until you give in. Say it.”

He raised a brow, waiting for your answer.

You opened your eyes and looked at him “I’m not an object, Heeseung.” You groaned.

“No?” He tsked, moving painfully slowly inside you “Yet you act like my personal sext toy, giving yourself to me whenever I ask.”

He let go of you and crossed his arms, stilling. You frowned, a complaining whimper leaving your lips.

“Fuck yourself on my cock.” He said, his voice icy “Since you’re not mine I don’t have to provide you anything.”

“Fine.” You raised your upper body, gripping the car door as you started to move back and forth, fucking his cock in and out of you.

You groaned when it slipped out, and when Heeseung made no move to push it back, you did it yourself.

A smug grin formed on your lips when you noticed how his breath hitched when you touched it, but his expression didn’t give anything away.

You tried again, trying to move faster, but it didn’t work well. Not like when he was the one doing it.

And it seemed as if your lack of skills was starting to affect Heeseung as well, a groan leaving his lips “I know I said I had all night, but I’d like to get some action.”

You scoffed “I’m trying my best,” You replied, pushing your backside against him, trying to reach the sweet spot he seemed to always find.

Heeseung clicked his tongue and shook his head, yanking your pants off your ankles.

He took you by your hips and turned you around until he was sitting and you were straddling him.

His cock was still inside of you, but this time you were on his lap, “Let’s see if you can ride me, mh? Or you can’t do anything alone?”

You frowned at his words and gripped the seat behind your back. Heeseung rolled his eyes and removed your hands, placing them on his shoulders.

You moved up and down, your head thrown back as you could feel him whole in you.

“That’s better,” He replied, leaning back against the seat and watching you riding him, still not moving a muscle.

You whined when he made no move to touch you, usually he’d play with your nipples or send jolts of pleasure by rubbing your clit. Yet, he did none of that.

“You know the magic word.” Heeseung smirked, “Say it, and I’ll make both of us feel good.”

He tilted his head “Don’t say it, and I’ll make you ride my dick until I cum, and judging by your slow pace, it might take forever.”

A few seconds passed where you pondered on your decision.

He was still high so there might be a chance that he wouldn’t remember you had give yourself completely to him. Against your morals.

You leaned close to his ear and whispered “M’yours, Hee.”

He growled, a deep rumble in his throat as he grasped your hips and moved you.

He didn’t guide your movements, he straight up used you like you were his fleshlight. You didn’t even know how he could move your body so easily.

He kept hitting the spot that had your eyes roll, your grasp on his shoulders making your nails dig in his flesh, only fuelling his desires.

Your expression full of lust made him smirk, he leaned to capture your lips in an hungry kiss, his tongue swiping over yours, tasting you.

As you kept clenching around him, he groaned, and ordered “Open up.”

You complied and opened your mouth, Heeseung gathered some saliva and then spit it on your tongue just to swipe it away with his own right after.

You moaned, wrapping your arms around his neck to steady yourself.

Heeseung chuckled, he knew you were close to your orgasm from your body language.

Breath laboured, loud moans escaping your lips and your walls sucking him in.

“Raise yourself.” He said, holding your body up to help you.

He placed one finger inside your asshole, gaining a gasp from you.

He held it still as he started fucking into you at a fast pace, needing to reach both of your orgasms.

You started mumbling nonsense, something that resembled ‘Yes’ and ‘Harder, please’ but not even you were sure.

It was like he had fucked your into oblivion, the only thing you could think about was how good he felt inside of you.

“Close, angel?” He asked, your walls clenching around him to the point of pain.

You hummed brokenly, managing to give him a small nod.

“You want to cum?” He asked, his voice slightly softer “Want to milk all around my cock?”

You nodded “Yes, Hee, want to cum.” You mumbled, your head dizzy.

“Cum for me, baby.” He whispered in your ear, pushing his finger deeper into your asshole.

You felt the knot in your stomach tighten so hard that when it snapped, you bit down on Heeseung’s clothed shoulder, making him groan and tighten his grip around you.

Your legs were shaking and you were panting from the intensity of your euphoria, your ears ringing.

Heeseung held you close to his chest, slowing his pace to bring you back to reality.

Slowly, your teeth let go of Heeseung’s shoulder, the metallic taste of blood in your mouth.

You gulped and looked at him through half lidded eyes, but his own were fixed down.

He was staring at where your bodies connected, the circle of your white liquid around his shaft, you could feel him twitch inside you.

“You can take some more, can’t you, baby?” He questioned, but you shook your head.

Heeseung frowned, “No? But I still haven’t finished.” Your body was tired and so was your mind, both from the fight and the intense sex.

“Let me finish,” He kissed you, deeply “Let me fill you up to the brim, please?”

You moaned at the thought, despite always taking precautions, you have always wanted him to make you his in the most primal way.

Seeing that you weren’t making a negative comment, Heeseung started moving you, slowly.

You moaned, feeling overstimulated as you gripped the arms that held you “Hee— I ca-I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” He groaned, holding you still, flush to his chest as he started rutting his cock deep, hitting your cervix.

His moans were low, more like rumbles deep in his throat as he held your head on his shoulder, his eyes squeezing.

“Fuck,” He panted, moving so fast you could barely finish a moan that another one was coming, your voice hoarse “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, I’m gonna cum.”

He fisted your hair, his other hand on your waist with a bruising grip “Gonna fill you so good, fuck my cum right back into you.”

You didn’t know if he was rumbling to you or more to himself, not like you minded.

Letting out a deep growl, he hit the deepest spot in you and emptied his load.

With some more deep thrusts, you could feel him twitch, and you felt so full.

His pace slowed until he finally stopped and you fell on him, fucked up.

Your whole body was bruised from his grip, your mind dizzy and your breath ragged.

“This was so good,” Heeseung whispered, holding your face in his hands and kissing you deeply.

He tried to move again but you grasped his arm, shaking your head “No, stop.” And he had the decency to comply, this time.

He pulled out and placed you beside him, putting his now softened cock back into his jeans.

Heeseung retrieved your shirt from the passenger seat, and tossed it to you, as well as your sweatpants.

Only when you were fully dressed did he speak again “I’m sorry, for what I did.”

Your eyes widened, not expecting his apology at all “Hee…” You murmured, your gaze soft “I’m just so worried about you, I get mad because I care about you.”

You placed one hand on his cheek, caressing his skin with your thumb. “If I didn't, it wouldn’t matter that you snorted things or… injected shit into your veins.”

Heeseung frowned, “I’m not a junkie, all I did was take some ecstasy tabs.”

You sighed, knowing there was no way to make him reason when he was still drunk and high “Okay, Heeseung. Whatever you say.”

“I’m driving.” Your tone was firm “Y/N.” He tried to say but you stopped him.

“No, I am driving,” You retrieved the keys that had fallen and climbed on the driver’s seat.

Heeseung let out a sigh but didn’t talk back, instead he climbed into the passenger seat and shut his mouth, probably all that he had drank and snorted was taking a toll on him.

You hadn’t realised when you took him into your apartment and showered with him, which led into another round of love— sex making.

You hadn’t realised when he apologised for his behaviour and kissed each mark he had left on your skin.

You hadn’t realised when he let you sleep on his chest, gently rubbing his hands through your hair.

But you did when you woke up to an empty bed, with a plan b pill and a glass of water wishing you a good morning. The only trace of your boyfriend being the wrinkled sheets beside you.

Only then, did you realise that Lee Heeseung was going to be the death of you.

[ricecake-eaterr]

111 things to do instead of eating

go on a walk

drink water

clean your room

reorganize your bookshelf

learn to draw/draw something new

learn to knit/crochet

apply for jobs

do yoga

paint your nails

do laundry

do your makeup

take a nap

design a new phone layout

change your bedsheets

skincare

wash the dishes

read a book

deep dive into a niche topic

go to the mall

online window shopping

clean out your closet

meditate

do online quizzes

play coolmathgames

empty your email inbox

make a bullet journal

scrapbook

plan a fake vacation

look at expensive houses on zillow

do your duolingo lesson

make a mood board

sing karaoke

learn an instrument

burn a cd

make hyper specific playlists

bake things to give away

go swimming

make a funny powerpoint presentation

watch movies

start a new tv show

listen to a podcast

hang out with friends

paint something

make decorations for your room

make stickers

write a book

learn to sew

upcycle clothes

make a bucket list

write a diary

look at thinspo

start a youtube channel

start a podcast

do a puzzle

plan out outfits

make a collage

scroll tumblr

learn a new sport

make a new friend

study

do your homework

watch a video essay

do pilates

take a bubble bath

create a website

create an aesthetic ed journal

watch diet vlogs

watch mukbangs

make a style book

make a tiktok

learn origami

learn morse code

learn scratch coding

write media analysis

play geoguesser

plan your meals

dust everything

learn a dance

do a coloring book

update your resume

clean your car

find a pen pal

clean your makeup brushes

try new makeup styles

make a tier list

write love letters

make slime

call a relative

start a free course

critique old philosophy

plan your dream house

learn how to invest

go grocery shopping

make an amazon wishlist

scroll twitter

brush your teeth

write a poem

stretch

listen to asmr

do some manifesting

go to the library

play just dance

play random free steam games

make some tea

play with your pet

go people watching

start a garden

go for a drive

do some volunteering

play a board game

have a photo shoot

[celestica-1988]

An headcanon for every Tokyo Revengers character. Some are funny, other are not.

Mikey favorite holiday is Halloween cause he can eat as many sweets as he wants and nobody can tell him shit.

Draken secretly wants to go to a spa with Emma. Draken babysits Toman, Emma takes care of the Sano household and they need to rest. He gets flustered if he thinks about sharing a bed with her or taking a bath together at the offsprings.

Baji feeds stray cats and others animals. Animals are naturally drawn to him for some reasons.

Chifuyu likes to watch TV programs of plane crashes. He dreams to be a pilot and he wants to learn how to avoid situations like the ones in the programs.

Takemichi started reading and watching thrillers in the hope they help him sharpen his ability to investigate

Kazutora still has nightmares of his father beating his mother.

Mitsuya keeps himself updated on what is popular amongs kids so he can sew cool things to his sisters like clothes or stuffed animal.

Hakkai is secretly learning Italian since he loves the Godfather series.

Taiju favorite film is Shark Tale.

Pahchin sleeps cuddling his dog.

Pehyan reads scientific books so he can came up with more witty come backs on Pahchin brain.

Angry is really loved by the elderly people in his neighborhood because he's always ready to help them in any way despite his grumpy face. One of the grannies taught him the perfect recipe for ramen.

Smiley is an hardcore naruhina shipper and won't hesitate to fight if someone insults his otp.

When Mucho saw Sanzu for the first time he thought he seemed like a stray cat. That's why he approached him with food aka cheesecake.

Sanzu would like to fix his relationship with Senju but he doesn't know how. Senju is always with Takeomi and he hates Takeomi. He's also scared that if he stops checking on Mikey, even for a second, something bad will happen to him and Shinichiro would have died in vain.

Kisaki has an album of pics of Hinata that he took when she didn't notice.

Hanma really loves movies with a lot of action and comments loud every scene of violence saying what he would have done instead if he was the protagonist.

Kokonoi talks about his days and his thoughts to a framed pic of Akane. He feels like she's still with him.

Inui plays guitar and he's interested in spiritism.

Izana throws darts to a Karen Kurokawa pic pinned on the wall because she ruined his life and his relationship with Emma and Shinichiro.

Kakucho shaves his hair by himself. He's not comfortable with people touching his scar.

Shion is unexpectedly good with children. He's a bit chaotic but overall a good babysitter.

Mochi is really good at cooking and he's proud of it.

Rindou started going to the gym because he was tired of being teased for his chubby cheeks. His guilty pleasure is eating Mac Donald food.

Ran loves 70s lamps, the one with bubbles that are moving up and down inside. They help him sleep.

South loves to dance Latin dances like samba, cha cha cha, rumba etc...

Wakasa has got some fishing trophies in his apartment.

Benkei appears as a tough guy but he loves to sleep with plushies.

Shinichiro has got an organizer that uses as his diary in which he writes his thoughts and notes all of his siblings birthdays.

Takeomi is always scolded by his relatives because of how he wasted his life, raised Haru to be a lunatic and ruined the relationship between Haru and Senju.

Hinata secretly trains in martial arts to help Takemichi, even though she knew he probably won't let her take part in a fight.

Emma often thinks at how good it would be if Izana lives with them. She wants him to have a family.

Yuzuha listen to heavy metal as a let out of her frustration for living with Taiju.

Senju sometimes wants to be adopted by Wakasa so she won't have Takeomi around and maybe Sanzu would visit her. She also hate Concordes.

[fvllingflower]

「One Shot」

pairing: basketball player!shua and f!reader

genre: smut

warning: spanking (just once), making out, grinding, handjob, cock praising, oral (f&m!receiving), fingering, nipple play (tiny amount), unprotected sex, aftercare

song recommendation: read your diary by måneskin

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

You and Joshua go to the same college. You never really saw him around since you didn't really care for sports. You cared more for your education and future. Joshua was in one of your classes, but you stayed far away from him and just admired him from a far. No one would blame you for admiring him. He's gorgeous and a real charmer. You didn't have a "crush" on him, but rather, you thought he was a good person to look at when bored.

You were at a party, and you actually dressed up for once. You seemed to be grabbing everyone's attention, even Joshua. You made your way over to the drinks, and Joshua followed you. There was something about you that was so enticing to him. He started talking to you, wanting to know you. You don't really remember how it happened, but you ended up sleeping at his place, in his bed, in his arms. You somehow became the girlfriend to the captain of the basketball team.

Some months passed, and Joshua came over to your apartment. He let himself in with the key you gave him. He walks into your bedroom and plops on the bed. You just chuckled at how cute he is. You patted the empty space on the bed for him, and he scooted up to be lying beside you.

"Rough day at practice?" You smiled.

"Mm, you have no idea" Joshua mumbled. He laid his head on your chest, allowing you to comb your fingers through his hair.

"Hm.. you wanna watch a movie and cuddle?" You asked softly and he shook his head no.

"Mm then, what do you want to do?" You smiled, still playing with his hair. Joshua's eyes remained closed as he spoke, his voice low and tired.

"Just stay like this... for a while" He mumbled, snuggling closer to you.

"Okay, baby... I can do that" You kissed the top of his head. Joshua let out a small, contented hum as he felt your lips press against his head. He wrapped his arms tighter around you, burrowing his face into your chest and relishing in the warmth and comfort of your embrace.

Some time passed. Joshua woke up from his nap. You still laid there, playing with his hair as he rested his head on your chest. You were scrolling through videos on your phone. Joshua just looked up at you, admiring you. To him, you are the most beautiful person alive. Sure, a lot of girls hit on him even now that he's in a relationship, but he doesn't pay no mind to it because he only has eyes for you. He only wants you and no one else. Joshua lifts his head on your chest to indicate that he's awake. He put his chin on your shoulder, and his arms still around your waist. You put your phone down when you realized he's awake. You rolled on your side to look at him properly.

"Did you have a good nap?" You smiled softly. Joshua smiled back at you, his eyes still bleary with sleep. He nodded lazily as he replied, his voice soft and drowsy.

"Yeah, I did. Thanks for letting me use you as a pillow" He joked, his hand coming up to brush a stray strand of hair out of your face. You chuckled lightly.

"Mm, anytime, baby" You mumbled. Joshua chuckled, his hand moving to cup your cheek gently. He propped himself up on his elbow, his tired eyes studying your face closely.

"I don't think I'll ever get tired of listening to you call me that" He said, his thumb tracing small circles on your skin. You chuckled softly.

"Mm good, because you're stuck with it" You giggled. Joshua's smile widened, a hint of mischief sparking in his eyes.

"Oh, I can live with that" He said, shifting his weight to fully hover over you. He leaned in closer, his body pressing against yours.

"In fact, I might even like it too much" He whispered, his breath warm against your ear. His fingers traced a path up and down your side, leaving tingles in their wake. You wrapped your arms around his neck and just admired his features. He leaned down and decided to kiss you. His kiss was gentle yet intoxicating, a silent promise of more to come. His hand moved to your waist, his fingers splaying out possessively across your skin, pulling you even closer to him. After a few seconds, you broke the kiss and smiled at him. You two just stayed there for a little bit, just admiring each other, memorizing every little pore and freckle.

"Oh, baby! I got something today that I think you'll like" You were excited. Joshua's curiosity was piqued by the excitement in your voice. He raised an eyebrow, a grin spreading across his face.

"Oh, really? And what might that be?" He asked, his hand still tracing lazy circles on your side.

"Here, let me show you" You pushed him off of you and got out of bed. You walked over to your closet. Joshua watched as you got up and made your way over to the closet. He sat up a bit on the bed, his eyes following your movements with anticipation.

"You're killing me with suspense here" He teased, his head tilted back against the headboard. You grabbed the item and hid it under your shirt and turned to face him.

"You ready to see the surprise?" Joshua chuckled and sat up straighter, his curiosity now fully piqued. He nodded his head, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Yeah, I'm ready. Show me what you got" He said, his eyes flickering down to where the item was hidden beneath your shirt. You sighed, and you felt nervous to show him.

"Before I show you, just know I got this custom made, and I hope you don't think it's cheesy or creepy.." Without further a do, you revealed the basketball jersey that looked exactly like his. It had his jersey number, and last name on it. Joshua's eyes widened in surprise as you revealed the custom jersey to him. He sat there for a few seconds, just staring at it, a mix of shock and disbelief on his face. He finally looked up at you, his eyes meeting yours with newfound admiration and affection.

"You...you got a jersey... with my name and number on it?" He asked, his voice soft and tinged with wonder. You hesitantly nodded.

"I thought it'd be cute for me to wear it to your games..." You looked at his face and examined it. As you mentioned wearing the jersey to his games, Joshua's expression softened even more. A smile tugged at his lips as he sat there, taking in the fact that you would do something like this for him.

"Sorry... is this weird? I don't want to freak you out.." You felt panic coursing through you. He shook his head, his gaze meeting yours reassuringly.

"No, no, it's not weird at all. It actually... it's really sweet" He reached out and took the jersey from your hands, running his fingers over the lettering of his name and number. You let him look at the jersey close up. You sat down next to him, but for some reason, you still felt nervous. Joshua held the jersey in his hands, running his fingers over the stitching and the material. He was speechless for a few moments, clearly touched by the gesture. He looked over at you, sensing your nervousness, and immediately wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He pressed a gentle kiss to your temple, his voice soft as he spoke.

"Seriously, I love it. I can't believe you did this for me" Joshua gave you that charming smile that made everything feel right. You leaned your head on his shoulder and smiled softly. Joshua wrapped his arm tighter around you, enjoying the feeling of you leaning against him. He planted another kiss on the top of your head, his other hand holding the jersey close to his chest.

"And honestly, I can't wait to see you wearing this at my games. It's... I don't even have words to describe it. It's just perfect" You smiled widely and looked up at him.

♡

Some days passed, and it was game day for Joshua. You two had your regular day of classes, but once classes were done, Joshua had to head to practice. You went back to your apartment and got ready for the game. You wanted to look your best as you let everyone know that you're dating Joshua. You wore a black, cropped bandeau top under your jersey for him, along with gray cargo pants, and you brought one of Joshua's zip-up jackets just in case you got cold.

Some hours passed, and you finally got to the game. You sat in the front of the stands so you could get a better view of your boyfriend. You weren't really paying attention to the game. You were more focused on your boyfriend and how hot he looked. After what felt like hours, the buzzer went off, indicating that the game was over. Joshua's team won the game. You ran down onto the court, but you let Joshua have his moment with his teammates before hugging him and all that. He turned around and saw you standing there with a smile on your face. Joshua ran towards you and picked you up and spun you around. You buried your face in the crook of his neck as he spun you. He finally put you back on the floor but kept his hands on your waist.

"You did it, baby. You won!" You felt so proud. Joshua's hands stayed firmly on your waist, his touch grounding and reassuring. He looked at you with a beaming smile, his eyes sparkling with happiness.

"We won" He corrected, his grip on you tightening just a bit.

"And I couldn't have done it without you. I always play better when I know you're there, cheering me on" Joshua cupped your face and kissed you softly.

After some time, you two got back to his apartment. You two stood in the living room area as you two stayed close to each other. His arms around your waist and your arms around his neck. Once you two got back to his apartment, the air was charged with a palpable tension. stood in the living room, their bodies standing close, their gazes locked onto each other. Joshua's eyes darkened with something primal as he looked at you, his voice low and raspy.

"You know, you look really hot in my jersey" He said, his fingers tracing small circles on your exposed skin where the jersey rode up.

"Mm, yeah? You like everyone knowing I'm yours?" You had a sultry tone in your voice. A shiver ran down his spine as he heard you speak in that sultry tone. His grip on your waist tightened as he pulled you even closer to him, their bodies now flush against each other. His lips ghosted along your jawline as he replied, his voice low and possessive.

"Yeah, I do. I love everyone knowing you're mine. And I especially love seeing you wear my jersey. It makes me want to claim you right here and now" Joshua grips your ass, making you whimper softly.

"Mm... how about first, you go shower and then I'm all yours to devour" You spoke calmly. He nipped gently at your neck before pulling back slightly, an almost predatory gleam in his eyes. He smiled crookedly, his voice low and sultry.

"You don't have to ask me twice" He said as his hands squeezed your ass again.

"I'll shower quickly and be back to have you all to myself" You smiled and pecked his lips.

"Mm okay, baby" You and Joshua let go of each other. As you both walked into his bedroom, you felt Joshua smack your ass a couple of times before going into the bathroom. As Joshua showered, you decided to give him more of a thrill. You took your bandeau top off along with your bra, and you stripped your pants off. You laid on his bed wearing just a jersey and some lacy panties. After what felt like forever, Joshua opened the bathroom door. His hair was damp, and he only had a thin towel around his waist. He looked at you on the bed and took in your outfit of choice.

"Mmm... You look so sexy" Joshua smirked. He stood near the side of the bed. You got up and crawled on the bed over to him.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm all yours" You had a seductive tone. You moved to be sitting with your calves on either side of your body, giving him a better view of your lace.

"Get in the bed, baby" Joshua obliged and sat up against the headboard. You moved to be straddled his lap, not caring about the towel around his waist. You two started to make out. It started slowly with slow and passionate kisses, but the heat kept turning up. Joshua slipped his tongue into your mouth, and your tongues started fighting. Joshua's hands wandered over your body, exploring every curve and crevice. His touch was confident and possessive, his fingers tracing the outline of your waist and hips.

He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss, his tongue intertwining with yours. Muffled moans escaped from his and your lips as his hands ventured lower, slipping under the jersey to caress your bare skin. He could feel the heat radiating from your body, heightening his desire. With a gentle but firm grip, he slid his hands down to your ass, squeezing it firmly. His touch was electrifying, sending shivers down your spine. You started grinding your hips against him as the heat turned up. Joshua groaned in response to your grinding, the friction between your bodies igniting a fire within him. He tightened his grip on your ass, encouraging your movements.

His towel slipped off, revealing his throbbing erection, ready to take you to new heights of pleasure. He guided your hips, matching your rhythm as you continued to grind against him. The intensity grew, his hands roaming over your body, his fingers tracing the edge of your panties. He wanted to feel every inch of you, to make you tremble with desire. His lips left a trail of hot kisses along your neck, his breath hot against your skin.

"Mm, how about I give you a reward for your win today" You seductively whispered. Joshua's eyes lit up with anticipation as he heard your seductive words. His desire surged, and he couldn't wait to receive your reward for his victory.

"Mmm, I can't wait to see what kind of reward you have in mind, love. Show me how you want to please me" His voice was filled with a mix of excitement and desire as he eagerly awaited your next move. You got off of his lap and removed the rest of the towel around his waist. You looked up at him as you wrapped your hand around his cock. Joshua's breath hitched as he watched you take control, his eyes locked onto yours with a mixture of anticipation and desire. He let out a low, primal growl as your hand wrapped around his throbbing cock. He leaned back, his hands gripping the edge of the bed as you began to stroke him, your touch sending waves of pleasure coursing through his body.

"Yeah.. just like that" His hips instinctively moved in rhythm with your hand, his desire building with each stroke. He couldn't help but let out a string of profanities, as his pleasure intensified. You increased the speed that your hand was going. Joshua's breath hitched as he felt your hand quicken its pace, sending waves of pleasure surging through his body. He let out a low groan, his hips involuntarily thrusting in response to your skilled touch.

"Fuck, love" He moaned, his voice filled with desire.

"You're driving me crazy" His muscles tensed, and his grip on the bed sheets tightened as his pleasure escalated.

He couldn't help but close his eyes, surrendering to the intense sensations coursing through him. Each stroke of your hand brought him closer to the edge, his body craving release. You suddenly slowed down your speed until finally letting go of his cock. Joshua's breathing was heavy as he felt the sudden absence of your touch. He opened his eyes, a mix of anticipation and frustration evident in his gaze.

"Please don't tease me, love" Joshua whined.

"Shh... be patient, baby" You smiled. You spread his legs open and positioned your body in between his legs. Joshua's breath hitched as he watched you spread his legs open, his eyes filled with anticipation and desire. His heart raced with excitement as he felt your body position itself between his legs.

"Mmm, I like where this is going, love," he whispered, his voice filled with lust.

"What do you have in mind for me?" His eyes were locked onto yours, his body tingling with excitement as he waited for your next move.

"Mm just relax, baby" You spoke calmly. You laid on your stomach and held his cock as you began placing kisses around it. Joshua's body tensed with anticipation as he felt your soft lips press against his sensitive flesh. A low groan escaped his lips, his hands instinctively reaching out to grip the sheets beneath him. He closed his eyes, surrendering himself to the pleasure of your lips on his cock, his body trembling with desire.

"Mm you have such a pretty cock, baby" You started to give tiny licks to his cock.

"It's like your cock was made for me, isn't it?" You looked up at him with a smile as you continued to lick his cock. Joshua's breath hitched at your words, a mix of pleasure and pride swelling within him. He watched you with a hunger in his eyes, completely captivated by your sensual actions.

"Oh, fuck, love," he groaned, his voice filled with desire.

"My cock is all yours, love. It's craving your touch, your lips, your everything" His body quivered under your skillful ministrations, his pleasure building with each lick.

He couldn't help but let out a low moan, completely under your spell. You smirked and wrapped your lips around his thick cock. Joshua's eyes widened with a mixture of surprise and pleasure as he felt the warmth of your lips enveloping his throbbing cock. A guttural moan escaped his lips, his hands instinctively reaching out to grip the sheets tighter. You started bobbing your head as you took him deep in your mouth. Your hand went down and started massaging his balls to make him feel extra good. It didn't take much longer until you felt him shoot his seed down your throat. You swallowed every last drop before pulling him out of your mouth. You got up and moved to sit back in his lap. As you moved to straddle his lap again, his hands instinctively reached out to grip your hips, his eyes burning with need.

"Fuck, love" He groaned, his voice filled with need.

"You're driving me crazy. I want you so badly" His body aching for the connection. He looked into your eyes, a mix of lust and adoration evident in his gaze.

"Tell me, love. What do you want? How can I please you?" You smirked and grabbed his hand and brought his hand to your soaked panties. Joshua's breath hitched as he felt the wetness through your panties, his eyes widening with desire. His fingers instinctively pressed against the fabric, feeling the warmth and wetness that awaited him.

"Fuck, love" He moaned, his voice filled with lust.

"You're so fucking wet for me. I need to taste you, feel you" He gently pushed you back onto the bed and pulled your panties off. His lips found their way to your dripping core. His tongue flicked against your clit, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body.

"I'm going to make you cum so hard, love" He whispered, his voice laced with desire.

"Just relax and let me take care of you" You nodded your head and smiled down at him.

Joshua's lips curled into a devilish grin as he saw your nod of approval. His tongue continued its delicious assault on your sensitive nub, his hands gripping your thighs to keep you in place. He reveled in the taste and scent of your arousal, eager to bring you to the edge. His tongue danced skillfully, alternating between gentle licks and firm flicks, driving you closer to the brink of ecstasy. He was determined to fulfill your every desire, to make you tremble with pleasure in his arms.

"Uuuh Joshua" You moaned softly. Joshua's name on your lips sent a shiver of pleasure through his body. He intensified his oral assault, his tongue delving deeper, seeking out every sensitive spot within your wetness. The sounds of your moans fueled his desire, pushing him to give you even more pleasure. His skilled mouth and tongue worked tirelessly, bringing you closer to the edge of bliss with each passing moment. He reveled in the way your body responded to his touch, eager to witness your release and savor the taste of your pleasure.

"Fuck" You moaned louder as you felt his two of his fingers enter you. Joshua's eyes darkened with desire as he felt your walls clench around his fingers. He continued to pleasure your throbbing clit with his tongue while his fingers moved in and out of you, matching the rhythm of his oral ministrations. He curled his fingers inside you, targeting your sweet spot with precision, aiming to push you over the edge. His mouth and fingers worked in perfect harmony, driving you closer to the brink of ecstasy. He reveled in the sounds of your moans, the way your body writhed beneath him, consumed by pleasure. You gripped his hair as he continued to pleasure you.

"Uuuh faster, baby" You whined. Joshua's breath hitched as he felt your grip on his hair, a surge of arousal coursing through him. He quickened the pace of his fingers, thrusting them deeper into your wetness, his tongue flicking against your clit with increased intensity. He matched the urgency of your plea, his fingers plunging in and out of you rapidly, his tongue relentlessly teasing your sensitive bud. He was determined to push you over the edge, to make you unravel in his arms, lost in waves of pleasure.

"Uhhh Joshua" You arched your back in pleasure. Joshua's eyes burned with desire as he watched you arch your back, your body begging for release. He intensified his movements, his fingers thrusting deeper and faster, his tongue flicking and swirling with fervor.

"That's it, love" He growled, his voice filled with raw need.

"Let go for me. Give in to the pleasure" He could feel your walls tightening around his fingers, a telltale sign that you were on the edge. He increased the pressure, his mouth, and his fingers working in perfect harmony to push you over the precipice of ecstasy. He wanted to witness your body convulse with pleasure to hear your cries of satisfaction as you reached your climax. With a couple more thrusts of his fingers and flicks of his tongue, you reached your climax. Joshua watched as your body pulsed with pleasure. He continued to lick you clean up. Joshua pulled his fingers out of you and looked at you as he sucked his fingers clean.

"Mm you're so delicious" Joshua groaned. He reveled in the intimate connection between you, the way your eyes locked with his as he indulged in the taste of your pleasure. He was ready for whatever you desired next, eager to continue exploring the depths of your desires. He pulled your jersey up enough to reveal your breasts.

"You're so gorgeous" Joshua mumbled as his hands trailed down your body. Your body shivered at his touch. Joshua's lips trailed a path of soft, lingering kisses across your breasts, his warm breath sending shivers of pleasure through your body. He took his time, savoring the taste and feel of your delicate skin against his lips.

"Mmm Shua" You breathed out. His hands caressed your sides, his touch gentle yet possessive. He continued to pepper kisses along the curve of your breasts, his tongue occasionally flicking against your hardened nipples. He reveled in the way your body responded to his touch, eager to bring you even more pleasure.

"What is it, love?" He spoke calmly. Joshua pulled the rest of the jersey off of your body, leaving you both naked.

"Mm.. I want you" You whispered. Joshua looked up at you with a smile on his face.

"Yeah? You want me inside you?" Joshua smirked against your skin.

"Please, baby" You whined. He couldn't wait any longer. Joshua positioned himself above you, his eyes locked with yours, seeking permission and consent. Slowly, he entered you, inch by inch, savoring the feeling of your tightness enveloping him. As he slowly entered you, you had a dragged out moan. Your hands gripped his shoulders, and you kept eye contact with him. Joshua began to slowly thrust, taking his time to enjoy the feeling of your warmth around him.

"Mm I need more, baby" You whined. He started to increase the pace of his thrusts, driving himself deeper into you. His hands gripped your hips roughly as he continued to pound into you.

"Fuck.. faster, baby" You groaned. Joshua obliged, his movements becoming more urgent and rough as he gave into your demands. He pounded into you relentlessly, his body slamming against yours with each thrust.

"You like that, love?" He grunted, his voice strained with effort and pleasure.

"You like it when I take you like this?" You let go of his shoulders and let your arms rest near your head.

"Oh fuck" You moaned as you tossed your head back. Joshua watched you with hooded eyes, his gaze fixated on the way your body arched and trembled beneath him. He let out a deep, guttural moan and redoubled his efforts, determined to push you over the edge. He slows his movements, his cock still buried deep inside you as he catches his breath.

"Shit, love..." He whispers, kissing your neck. His hips continue to move slowly as aftershocks of pleasure ripple through him.

"You feel so fucking good..." Joshua continued to ride out both of your orgasms.

"Mm... baby" You whimpered. He chuckles softly, his lips finding yours for a slow, sensual kiss.

"You're mine now..." He whispers against your lips. Joshua slowly pulled out and then laid beside you and pulled you into his arms. He wraps his arms around you, holding you close as he nuzzles into your neck.

"You're so beautiful" He murmurs, his warm breath tickling your skin.

"I could just hold you forever" Joshua softly kissed your neck. After you two both calmed down, Joshua got up and grabbed a wash cloth to clean you up. He was as gentle as can be. He got back in bed with you and held you tightly. You buried your face in his chest.

"Mm... so proud of you, baby" You mumbled.

"I couldn't have done it without you, love" Joshua smiled as he rubbed your bare back.

[meichenxi]

Language learning: slow learning versus toxic productivity

Or: the process in crisis

Five years ago, all of the productivity advice I read (and gave out) as a successful self-learner of many different languages had one basic premise: that I was not doing enough, and that I could always be doing more.

Several burnouts later, running headlong from one mental illness into another, I'd like to invite you to entertain the exact opposite idea: there is a limit to what you can do. I have run face-first into mine on multiple occasions, and burnt out. At many points I've stopped learning the language at all. Most importantly, I've learnt to be distrustful of the very premise that all of the so-called productivity or optimisation advice is based on.

More is not always more.

Listen to a podcast in the target language whilst you exercise. Exercise to give yourself more energy to learn your target language. Talk to yourself in the shower in your target language. Do Anki whilst eating breakfast. Listen to Glossika whilst walking to work. Change your phone settings to your target language. Bullet journal. Manage your time. Make friends in your target language. Control your time. Write a diary. There's always enough time. These are all things I have done myself and recommended others do, to increase exposure to the language, to increase productivity.

Productivity? What productivity? What, exactly, is it that we are producing? I am producing sentences and words but - for who? Who is listening? Nobody's here, in my room, at 7am on a Sunday. If productivity were just speaking or writing, I'd be productive in my native language too, by virtue of speaking out loud. Or conversely, in language learning circles, should we measure it in terms of input? How many hours did you spend listening to Chinese yesterday? What about today? Is there anything you do in your life, in your daily life, that you could optimise? You're wasting time. There's time here, for those that want it. If you want to get ahead, to be successful, to be a good language learner, you have to know how to use that time. Go online, and debate over which tools are the best; watch your videos. What exactly is it that is being produced?

Productivity is a measuring tool for concrete output: the productivity of a field means how much crop it can yield per harvest. The productivity of a factory is how many mobile phone chargers it can bring to market per year. There are direct and measurable ways to increase this sort of productivity. But what is productivity when it comes to knowledge work? Cal Newport's work, The Minimalists, Essentialism: they all run into the same problem, which is that nobody seems to know what 'productivity' for knowledge workers means at all. You can look at a factory line and see which parts need greasing up, figuratively or literally: it is very difficult, on the other hand, to look at the work of a self-contained writer and tell her where she is going 'wrong'. (And by 'wrong', I mean - slow.) And language learning is an even more particular subset of that particular subset of work.

You could judge a novelists' productivity two ways: by the 'busyness' of her daily writing routine, or the amount of novels she produces. But what exactly is being produced when we learn a language? What is the end product?

In some ways, language learning as a hobby is even more playful than traditionally thought of arts and crafts. (By 'play' I mean something which is done for its own sake, and which is pleasurable, and which may yield next to no monetary reward.) We might think of the poet as sitting on a tree and dangling his feet in the river, a vision of artful indolence, but at the end of the day there is output - a poem. A knitter has a jumper. A potter has a pot. But language learning doesn't follow this [work] + [time] = [tangible output] structure. We can't even use the second metric of 'productivity' to measure it at all. Something is being done, of course - I can learn to speak Greek, and speak it markedly better after two months than one - but my point is you can't look at a day's work and say, this is exactly how much I learnt. Learning is not memorisation in the short term - it's receiving input, and practicing how to wield and use a structure. It doesn't happen over the course of a ten-minute podcast.

Learning happens - encoding happens - when the brain is doing other things. In other words, much like every creative process, you need downtime. You need rest, and sleep, and fun, and brightness and joy in your life. You might 'remember' a bunch of words on Anki, but you need to sleep before you can review them again: that's the whole point.

There is a much wider problem here, a culture of goals and optimising your life and glowing up, and to be honest, I find it disturbing. I think that for a very long time my language learning metrics were a stand-in, a relic, for the kinds of unhealthy and obsessively perfectionist thinking that gave me an eating disorder. How many of us truly believe - genuinely, with every inch of our heart - that we are better people if we 'better' ourselves? Learn more. Exercise more. Study more. How do you feel about yourself at the end of a day, exhausted, because you've completed day 75/100? Do you feel better about yourself because you've achieved? I'm guessing that you do.

For many people - including for myself - this wider culture has spilled over into their hobbies. Hobbies like language learning in particular are a target for this because they are so easily quantifiable - and we are encouraged, if we want to succeed, to quantify them. How else will we know how to improve?

Over the last few years, after burning out, after living off grid and without wifi and doing extreme minimalism and a lot of other lifestyle experiments to try and understand why modern life is so fucking hard, it's become clear that most systems of 'productivity' measure 'optimisation' by getting the most done in a day, but they don't stop to question whether you should be doing those things at all.

They don't stop to ask: what matters? They don't stop to ask: why am I trying to write a novel, finish my dissertation, pursue a romantic relationship, get healthy, learn ice-skating, learn to cook, look after my aging parents, and learn guitar at the same time? They don't ask: how do I prioritise, and where do I find silence? They ask: how do I cram more time in the day? They don't ask: how do I slow time down? They don't ask: how can I know what matters, if I never give myself space to think?

In other words: 'productivity' in language learning is measured by 'busy-work', by how much you can see from the surface.

You can't measure how well the learning is going, exactly, but you can measure how many hours a day you show up and grind. Whether or not that struggle is the best use of your time, or whether you're spending the time on things that will truly bring you value and quality, is a different question altogether.

And it's not one most 'productivity culture' will ever ask.

There will be things in your language learning journey that, to borrow from self-help terminology, no longer serve you. Habits and relics and resources and mindsets that worked for you once, or no longer did. Those books that are too advanced that you feel like you 'should' be able to read. That textbook that's been sitting beside your bed for a year. That habit of scrolling social media in your target language that was helpful when you were at a more intermediate level, but does little for you now that you're advanced.

Take stock of these. Simplify. Do less, but do it better. Productivity culture never stops to ask: what can I do without? It always asks, instead: how can I do more? But maybe - just maybe - the way to do more is to focus on fewer things, but do them well.

Multi-tasking isn't multi-tasking, but switching quickly between different focuses of attention. The average American owns 300,000 things, and watches television for 4-5 hours a day. On average, if you are distracted, it takes you 20 minutes to reach the same level of deep focus: but the average American office worker opens an email within six seconds of receiving it. Are you any better with your phone? How much time do you spend there? If you meditate, that's wonderful, but do you have any time to let yourself think? To walk and to understand how to feel? I don't want to sound like a boomer, but: can you name the birds? Do you live in a place, not just a room?

Stop trying to be 'productive'. Do less. Do it well.

I am now facing a wall in my learning of Chinese, and I'm still not sure how to get around it. The reason for this is because so much of the advice I gave others around language learning, and so much of the advice I found online, is focused on this sort of optimisation. But I no longer want to be listening to something, to be watching something, every second of every day. I have a partner to love and a house to appreciate and I want to spend time, humming and pleasant, alone with my thoughts, and it's summer, dear diary, and I don't want to stay indoors. Routines can keep you afloat, but they can also drown you. Do something different. Do something new. Do something that is not productive, that produces nothing, idle away, walk to work without music and perhaps when you sit down to your language learning that evening, you'll be filled with a renewed vigour and love for it. Do it because you love it, not because you scheduled it in your calendar.

A lesson, related, from my martial arts teacher. He said:

If you are tired, do not train. If you do not train, rest. 'Rest' does not mean go on your phone.

The same principle applies here. If you are tired of learning, which you may well be, rest. Not going on your phone, not watching Netflix. I mean taking a walk and sitting under the tree and looking at the patterning of the sky. I mean lying with your dog and absently scratching his tummy. If you're tired, and you have the luxury to stop - stop. Let yourself be tired. Don't drink caffeine. Sleep.

Last year, I was able to write 340,000 words of fiction because I focused on one thing: writing my book. Apart from things that I literally needed to do to survive and maintain my health and relationships around me, I didn't set a single other to-do. My daily list looked like: write for three hours. Not a word limit. Not exercise, though I ended up doing that, not learning a language. I imagine that if I had tried to focus on Chinese at the same time that I wouldn't have achieved anywhere near half the result. I still learnt Chinese, a very decent amount - I went to China and Taiwan for three months in total! - but I did it because I wanted to, of a whim, on a Sunday, something fun. It wasn't a must, or anything I was forcing myself to do. Many days I didn't do any Chinese at all. It was so immensely freeing to be able to think, at 11am: I'm finished for today. Even when I was at work, because I knew I was just there to pay the rent, I felt serene. Stressed on a day-to-day level, certainly, because all work is stressful, but - there wasn't any striving. I just did the best I could. And that was enough.

I am writing this, now, as I come out of my first ever information-overload burnout. I've burnt out, but I've never experienced one of these before: even looking at a book, at a phone, physically hurt my eyes. I couldn't bear to listen to people speak and would lock myself away in my room. I physically felt I could not talk, and had to take extensive time off work. Even looking at a pen and a blank page was too much; listening to podcasts was too much; reading the instructions for dinner was too much too. The only way I could heal was by doing absolutely nothing at all. That period shocked me deeply, because it showed me how absolutely dependent I was on having some input of information all of the time. No wonder I was tired.

I know, now, that there are lots of movements built around this same idea, by frustrated learners all over the world: the growing realisation that metrics and Excel and polylogger and tracking tracking tracking can't be the only way to learn. That a list of the number of books you've read in one year is hardly indicative of how well you understood those books, and what you learned from them. You've read 20 books this year already - good job. When do you think about them? What time do you spend on reflection? Why did you choose those books? Which chapters, and which characters, hit you the hardest? Why?

Minimalism, deep work, 'monk mode', essentialism, every writer's dream to run away and write in a cabin in the woods, slow learning, Buddhism, Stoicism, Marie Kondo-ism, the art of less, project 333, my no-buy-year, slow fashion, slow food, slow travel:

What all of these philosophies have in common is the idea that doing things deliberately ('mindfully') means 1) doing things slowly, 2) doing things well, and 3) doing things one at a time.

I am now at a place in my life where I understand the value of time alone with my thoughts. I don't want to listen to podcasts every minute of the waking day, because I need time to think about them. I need time to let the ideas for my novel grow in the dark. Nothing can be heard in noise; so make space for silence. I am a member of the real, living, breathing world, and that means I cannot devote 8 hours a day to Chinese television shows like I could when I was 20. I have to call my father. I have to do the dishes. I want to flex my creative muscles in other ways. Alternatively - I no longer believe that my worth is tied up inherently with how well I do my hobbies.

You're just some guy. There's freedom in that. You, my friend - you suck <3

Let yourself be bad. Let yourself be mediocre. Let yourself 'slide backwards' or regress, because all that means is that you're putting focus somewhere else. It'll come back. It always does.

I'm no longer comfortable, therefore, with the way that the language learning community tackles productivity. Please don't misunderstand; a lot of us have time spare that we could use to do things 'better' for us. I know. But I just believe now that getting rid of things, like the time you spend on your phone, is going to be more helpful in the long run than trying to force yourself into some gruelling, achievement-centric regime that collapses from within after two months of struggle and self-flagellation.

The other realisation I have had is just how much happier I am spending more time being alive, really alive, and less time in front of a screen. For a language like German or Gaelic that's much easier, because you can study with books, but with Chinese you always have to study to some extent with audios, flashcards, computers. Especially if - like me - you can read novels without a dictionary, but cannot handwrite even your Chinese name. So where next?

I don't have any answers. I'm not sure how to pair the two things together, to be honest, because almost all of my language learning has traditionally made use of technology. It's all been goal-orientated, systems-orientated, and despite the fact that I've failed at using these systems every day for years, despite the fact that Anki has NEVER worked for me, despite the fact that I have spent hundreds if not thousands of pounds on courses here, there, a wealth of overwhelm and five thousand words saved on Pleco, did I read that right? Five thousand. No wonder I'm stressed.

Regardless of happiness, it's much easier to achieve a state of deep focus and work when you're not online. After my period of information burnout, I feel actual physical pain from the weight of choices online. It's exhausting. I'm watching a Chinese show, but I want to go on tumblr. I'm on tumblr, but I feel guilty for not watching the Chinese show. I'm constantly torn between doing this and that, never fully committing to anything, seeing a post by Lindie Botes and thinking, damn, she's good. I should be better. But I don't want to compare myself to her. Do you know what? She is good. I admire her immensely. But I don't want to judge my self-worth by some imagined scale of productivity anymore - and, the more time passes, the more I'm not sure what 'productivity' in the context of language learning even means.

Try slow, focused, deep learning. You might just find it works.

There's something refreshing, almost counter-cultural, anti-capitalist, anti-consumerist, anti-rat-race, about this thought. Slow learning. I think there's an answer here, somewhere. It's a problem I've been dancing around for a while; and do you remember how you learnt your first foreign language? For me, it was on the floor, absolutely absorbed in German comic books, flicking through the dictionary furiously and scribbling things down in a notebook. I only had one book, and one dictionary, and one grammar book. I want to go back to that sort of simplicity. There was joy in that.

One again: I don't have any answers. I don't know exactly what direction this blog is going to go in, as I wrestle with these sorts of meta-problems. I'd love to hear your thoughts. And for now, if there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this long and frankly absurdly rambling post (thank you for bearing with me!) it's an alternative answer for the question I get so often, about what you can do to learn the language when you're tired, because:

Yes, you could watch reality TV shows in Chinese, or you could give yourself permission to be human. You could rest.

Thanks guys. Meichenxi out <3

[khaire-traveler]

🌠 Subtle Nyx Worship 🌌

Go star-gazing, especially out in nature where you can see the stars more clearly

Learn about the different constellations as well as any Greek myths associated with them

Pay attention to the phases of the moon; learn what their meanings are

Try veiling

Get a candle that reminds you of her (no altar needed)

Wear jewelry that reminds you of her

Wear silver jewelry

Keep a picture of her in your wallet

Have a stuffed animal horse or owl; have a stuffed animal of any nocturnal animal

Have imagery of the night sky, stars, space, horses (especially in a chariot), owls, nocturnal animals, or foggy nights around

Meditate at night; try to relax at night; sit in darkness silently for a bit

Get a telescope; use it to observe the stars

Leave a glass of water/salt water on your windowsill at night

Take a bath/shower with only the light of candles/dim lighting (SAFELY!!!!)

Support space-related organizations such as NASA

Learn more about space, stars, planets, etc.

Engage in relaxing activities or ones that you're passionate about

Have a bedtime/nighttime routine

Keep a dream journal; write down your dreams; try to interpret them

Drink black tea or coffee (or anything that relaxes you); add honey if you want

Drink red wine or red sparkling grape juice; raise a glass to her

Pick and save flowers still wet with evening dew; dry or press them; great if the colors are ones you personally associate with her

Feed neighborhood cats, dogs, birds, etc., especially at night (please make sure it's safe to leave food out in your area; do not attract predators!!!!)

Burn a relaxing incense at night; lavender, jasmine, patchouli, etc.

Write poetry about the night, stars, space, etc.; it doesn't have to explicitly name her

Try to practice meditation; practice mindfulness

Ground yourself regularly, especially at night

Make your space comfortable and relaxing for yourself; sleep with cozy blankets, decorate with dim fairy lights for nighttime, sleep with stuffed animals, etc.

Learn getting comfortable with change; go outside your comfort zone, do something spontaneous, cope with stress during an unpredictable situation, etc.

Let go of things that no longer serve you

Dance or sing at night; enjoy yourself at the end of your day

Play with pets before bed to tire them out so that they can sleep better c:

Watch movies or shows at night with loved ones; something you'd all enjoy

Light a bonfire or small fire at night; enjoy the peace of the night around you

Go camping; sleep under the stars

Keep a personal diary; write down positives and negatives; make it your own

Make a list of things you enjoyed and disliked about your day at the end of your day

Feel your feelings; cry if you need to, etc.

Practice listening and observing your surroundings/people around you; don't make yourself paranoid, just passively observe

Practice patience and compassion, especially towards yourself

Spend your evenings decompressing, whatever you need to do to unwind; drink a warm drink, eat something comforting for dinner, read a book, etc.

Try to cut down your screentime before bed

-

I'll likely add more later, but for now, this is my list of discreet ways to worship Nyx. I hope it's helpful, and take care! 💜

Link to Subtle Worship Master list

[milkymora]

✧ MCL (hsl) flirts - headcanons ✧

~ NOTE: the pictures used are not mine! credit to the respective owners on pinterest. all the headcanons are SFW & written just for fun. hope you’ll enjoy! xoxo, Mora

ꞝ Castiel.

a night owl. he’s naturally more active at night and enjoys playing guitar, especially whenever he can’t sleep.

he’s a huge fan of vinyl disks! he loves the vintage vibe and collecting old school bands’ disks from the 70s/80s, like lynyrd skynyrd’s/pink floyd & deep purple.

secretly super scared of spiders. and bugs. and flying bugs. (he will yell like a little girl whenever he sees one)

ꞝ Nathaniel.

he still sleeps with the blanket over his face sometimes. yeah, like right after he watches a horror movie that “didn’t bother him at all” according to him.

blue is his happy color, it reminds him of waterfalls & water element in general, which calm him down a lot.

has a diary since 9th grade. he loves writing his thoughts and making to-do lists.

ꞝ Lysander.

loves writing in nature. loves nature in general, and willow trees are his favorites.

his bone structure is pretty big, he has broad shoulders, big back and especially veiny arms. he’s hands down the most “manly” of all the boys.

he tattoed all the favorite flowers of his family members on his left arm.

ꞝ Armin.

listens to asmr and is tremendously embarrassed about it. hides it like a criminal, even if it’s usually just no-talking videos of fluffy mic scratching/tapping.

he used to role-play a lot during his middle school years. he loved role-playing about anime characters.

addicted to detective conan. was his childhood, along with dragon ball!

ꞝ Kentin.

is a boomer when it comes to technology, he can barely use the PC, it’s actually hilarious.

he loves leg days at the gym! it’s an addiction to him, he loves jogging and running and use his legs for physical activity. (indeed he has huge calf muscles)

loves cars. he is one of those people who would drool over cars tiktok edits.

bonus!! i wanted to add our beloved alexy, although obviously he’s non-dateable ♡

ꞝ Alex.

had a tumblr 2014 phase which he never really got over, he loves polaroids to this day.

neon pink is his favorite color. he’s always wearing pink nail polish, both on his nails & toes.

he cries everytime he watches “titanic”. no joke, ask armin. he sobs when jack dies, lol.

✧ find mcl girls headcanons here!

~ thank u for reading! i had so much fun writing this & making the little edits for the boys. i love them so much, which one is your favorite? :p also, reblogs are super appreciated ^^

[darkshelbyfiction]

The Nanny Diaries (Part One)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Innocent Reader

Warning: Dark Cillian has an innocence kink...Smut...Infidelity...Dub Con

It had been three months since you started working for Cillian and Lorna Murphy, looking after their two young children Sienna and Mitch.

You had recently turned eighteen and left your small town in America, eager to see the world beyond your front door so, moving to Dublin, was the perfect opportunity for you.

Through a family friend, who was an actor as well, you were given the chance to work as an Au Pair for the famous Irish actor who, with his wife and children, lived in a beautiful country estate just outside Dublin city, surrounded by vast gardens filled with flowers and trees.

Their home was like a sanctuary where nature merged seamlessly into luxury - wooden floors, high ceilings adorned with original works of art and large bay windows which looked out onto acres of greenery.

Their children were absolutely adorable.

Little Sienna was full of energy, running all over the place, whilst little Mitch would be curled up watching cartoons quietly. At first, it seemed strange, but gradually you found yourself enjoying every moment spent playing games, reading bedtime stories and preparing meals for them.

The only person whose company made you feel slightly nervous, however, was Cillian himself. You felt a strange and somewhat forbidden attraction towards this 45 year old man, something no one could quite understand considering how close he was to your father’s age.

However, being strictly catholic and engaged to young man back home, you brushed this off as simply being star struck and though Cillian wasn't exactly flirtatious, there was something undeniably captivating about him.

Cillian soon noticed the way you looked at him, the subtle flush of excitement that crossed your face when he walked into the room, and despite his own marriage status, he began making excuses to get closer to you. His constant praise made you blush, while the lingering glances gave you butterflies in your stomach.

One evening after Lorna had gone to bed, Cillian invited you to listen to some music with him in the dimly lit living room.

There was a comforting familiarity in the scent of leather, polished wood and roaring embers in the fireplace as you sat down beside him on the plump sofa. For some reason, your heart skipped a beat as you sank deeper into the soft upholstery and Cillian silently handed you a glass of wine and smiled.  

"You did well today. Thanks for looking after them so diligently," Cillian acknowledged just as you traced the contours of his strong jaw line with your eyes.

"They are good kids. Despite, looking after them, is my job," you stammered in response. You couldn't help feeling nervous around this man, even more now since it was just the two of you.

"Still, it's nice not having to worry. So, thank you," Cillian said while leaning back into the couch, crossing one leg over another. "It can be quite draining sometimes looking after them."

"It can be," you smiled while your cheeks reddened as you tried not to stare at him openly. For a moment silence enveloped the space before you continued speaking softly, barely audible enough for him to hear properly.

"So you like Portishead, huh?" you asked, changing the topic to music as their album "Glorybox" was playing in the background. His face shifted to curiosity briefly, then turned serious again as he reached out slowly to brush his hand over your knee. 

"I do. How about you? he asked, turning his head towards you.  "Do you like their music?" he then asked and you felt a mix of fear and excitement surging through your body upon the sudden contact - your heart raced faster, and a warmth seemed to rise up inside you as his fingers caressed gently along your thigh. Trying hard to maintain composure, you responded casually yet uneasily.

"I do," you managed to utter softly as his fingers traced higher along your inner thigh. As his hand lingered there uninvited, your breath quickened involuntarily – a mixture of panic and arousal coursing through your veins. It wasn't right, what he was doing, but still, deep within you, a primal urge took hold.

"How is your boyfriend? Are things good between you?" Cillian prodded, leaning closer as he spoke. You could feel his breath tickling your ear as he whispered these words, sending chills down your spine despite yourself. Your hands trembled lightly, unsure whether to push him away or surrender to his advances, caught somewhere between terror and thrilling anticipation.

"He...uhm...yes... he is good," you stammered as his fingers dipped deeper beneath your skirt, brushing against your underwear teasingly, causing a wave of heat to ripple throughout your core.

Aware of the danger you were in, a part of you wanted to resist, while another desperately desired to succumb to his touch, craving the sensuality he offered with such intensity. 

"Do you miss him?" Cillian asked quietly, almost tenderly while his fingers ran circles over your moistening panties.

Unable to think clearly due to the intensity of his advances, you struggled to find your voice. Involuntarily, your mouth hung open, dazed by the sensations that flowed through your body.

"I do miss him, yes," you finally murmured, unable to meet his eyes, as you fought to quell the desire rising up inside you. This was wrong, terribly wrong, but why did it feel so right?

"Do you miss him touching you like this?" Cillian asked huskily as, finally, he pushed aside the wet fabric of your knickers, allowing his finger to slide tantalisingly over your wet slit.

"He never..." you mumbled hesitantly, trying to regain control of both your mind and body, struggling to ignore the growing sense of guilt mixed with exhilaration that consumed you. 

"He never what?" Cillian challenged, his tone darkening as his finger continued to explore the sensitive folds between your legs. One of his fingers began to push its way inside you, penetrating your tight entrance gently yet firmly, eliciting gasps and whimpers from you as pleasure ricocheted through your body. 

"He never touched me down there before," you admitted reluctantly, knowing it wouldn't matter anyway because you knew deep down that this went far beyond mere physical exploration.

"Really?" Cillian queried with disbelief, pulling his fingers free from your quivering passage before pushing it in again, harder this time, his thumb pressing rhythmically against your clitoris. You let out a strangled cry, lost in the throes of ecstasy as your entire body writhed in pleasure.

"Have you ever touched yourself like this?" Cillian questioned deeply, his tone laced with raw passion, drawing a sharp intake of air from you. You didn't answer immediately, too absorbed in the exquisite sensations consuming your body. But eventually, the truth emerged haltingly from your lips.

"No. It's not allowed," you confessed seeing that you were strictly catholic, ashamed of admitting the fact aloud, wishing to sink into the floor beneath you.

"Do you want me to stop?" Cillian asked softly, lifting his hand away from your drenched crotch to rest it once more on the armrest of the couch. Your mind reeled as the erotic spell broke, leaving you feeling bewildered and confused.

Despite the intensity of the encounter, you shook your head defiantly, determined not to allow yourself to be further enticed.

"Alright. Can you take off your panties for me then?" Cillian commanded authoritatively, breaking the momentary awkwardness. His eyes bore into yours, demanding obedience. Reluctantly, you nodded, sliding your skirt lower until your knickers slipped off easily, exposing your naked thighs and pussy. The bold act sent shockwaves through your system, filling you with a potent cocktail of shame and arousal. Cillian observed you hungrily, appreciating the sight of your supple curves and smooth skin.

With determination in his eyes, he reached for your exposed thighs, rubbing his palms alluringly up and down them until his fingers found your wet labia. Gently cupping your sex, he teased you playfully, watching closely as your breath caught in your throat and your pupils widened with desire. 

His erection strained against his jeans, making your nipples perk up in response.

He then inserted not one but two of his thick digits into your dripping core gently, feeling the resistance of your virginity as he thrust them in and out as small streak of blood trickled onto his fingers.

There was some discomfort in your expression, partly due to the pain caused by your first sexual experience but also fueled by anxiety and confusion regarding the situation.

Inside you, your mind wavered between feelings of remorse and yearning satisfaction as his powerful hands controlled your movements, taking command of your pleasure.

As he moved inside you, his touch became firmer, his pace picking up speed, creating a sensation unlike anything you had ever known before. Your whole body ached, your muscles twitching with the force of the waves crashing through you.

"You are incredibly tight," Cillian remarked approvingly, withdrawing his fingers momentarily only to plunge them back in again with greater fervor. His rough hands expertly navigated your insides, working you mercilessly, ignoring the protest of your uninitiated flesh. Each penetration drove a fresh wave of pleasure through your body, your nerves firing rapidly, setting every inch of your skin ablaze until, suddenly, you couldn't hold back any longer.

With a loud moan escaping your lips, you eventually came undone and Cillian covered your mouth with the palm of his free hand as your body  began convulsing violently in orgasm.

"Sssh, we don't want to wake up Lorna," he chuckled quietly as your vision swam as your world turned upside down, your entire focus narrowed down to the sensations washing over you. Aftershocks radiated through your limbs, causing tiny tremors to run up and down your body as if electric currents surged through your very soul.

Breathless and flushed, you collapsed back into the embrace of the couch, exhausted and invigorated simultaneously as Cillian carefully withdrew his fingers from inside your body. 

Wetness and a tiny amount of blood tickled down onto the leather fabric on which you were sitting as your heart hammered wildly in your chest.

Cillian smiled devilishly at you, amused by how quickly he had brought you to climax, and you felt both grateful and somewhat shocked.

Your stomach squirmed with a strange mix of emotions: gratitude, humiliation, and embarrassment battled furiously amongst themselves. Your cheeks reddened with a combination of both physical stimulation and shame.

"I shouldn't have done that," you muttered, attempting to make sense of your own behaviour. You had committed a sin against God and your morals, and now, here you were - wanting more of it.

The thought scared you, but something stirred deep within you, telling you it would be foolish to dismiss it entirely. There was a power to this darkness that held an addictive quality, like the forbidden fruit you had just sampled.

"You seemed to have enjoyed it though," Cillian smirked. His statement carried undertones that left no doubt as to what he meant just as you both were startled by Lorna who came walking down the stairs to fetch herself a drink from the fridge.

Quickly, you adjusted your skirt to cover your slightly bruised and still wet entrance before hastily grabbing your discarded knickers. Cillian, without missing a beat, made himself appear nonchalant, leaning casually against the armrest beside you.

Lorna looked curiously at the both of you, remarking "It seems quite late. You should come to bed Cillian", unaware of the recent events transpiring.

"I will be up in just a minute love". Cillian lied, hoping to prolong the interaction with you for just a little bit longer but, unfortunately for him, you decided to head to your room instead, claiming tiredness.

After you closed the door behind you, the tension dissolved slightly and Cillian sighed audibly, running his hand through his messy locks, visibly conflicted, pondering on about what happened. 

Even as he prepared for sleep later that evening, right next to his wife, he couldn't help but dwell upon the enchanting image of you submitting to his touch, succumbing under his influence. Something about your innocence intrigued him even more than other women had. Perhaps it was the challenge you presented—the thrill of dominance over someone who belonged to another man.

Or maybe it was the sweet, lingering aftertaste of guilt you left on his tongue whenever he took liberties with your pure body. Whatever the reason, he simply could not resist pursuing you further despite the danger it posed to his marriage.

Meanwhile, you too, were laying in bed, thinking about what had transpired. 

Your mind raced through memories of your earlier interactions with Cillian – his confidence, his touch, his mannerisms. There was that secret part of you that craved more contact, regardless of where it might lead. This newfound curiosity frightened you almost as much as it excited you. 

You wondered what it would be like to touch him the way he had touched you, whether his experienced body would respond to you as you did to him. For so long, the idea of intimacy had been taboo for you, yet somehow, those strict boundaries seemed to shift when it came to Cillian. 

Your core ached from the intrusion, and your cheeks burned with indignation, but there was a spark of excitement that lit up deep within you as well. 

You wanted him to do this again and you knew that this was wrong and so did he. 

[moolovesyou]

absent jealousy | angus tully x reader

a/n: writing this while watching diary of wimpy kid hell yeah. thank you to @xfrankiesmithx-blog for requesting!!!!!! i hope this is what you wanted because i think i got carried away lol. i am too much of a sucker for casual angst and scene building.

s: your relationship with angus is anything but serious, until jealousy forces you both to face reality.

w: cursing, suggestiveness, angst (absent parent)

wc: 3k.

Winter break was supposed to be a time to relax. A time to have fun. And maybe, just maybe, a time to tolerate family. My plans were simple. My days were going to be spent on the Florida beaches with piña coladas and poolside napping. This was a yearly tradition since the 6th grade.

Unfortunately, those hot and sandy dreams were crushed when my dad phoned me at Wickline Academy.

"What the fuck, dad?" I slammed my hand onto the wall beside the telephone.

"Language!" He huffed from the other end. A crackly sigh could be heard. "Listen, we just can't afford it. We need the money to keep you enrolled next semester."

My eyes watered. I blinked rapidly to prevent any tears from spilling out.

"I'm sorry, honey." My dad spoke with sorrow. "Money is tight ever since-. . . your mom. . ."

The call went silent.

It had been 3 months and he still couldn't say it. It was embarrassing for both of us to admit.

Left us. Since she disappeared off the face of the earth with my dad's wallet and my allowance. For the last 3 months, anger has just been festering within me like a cauldron of rage.

Now, I had to spend Christmas alone. If that wasn't already bad enough, it turned out the entirety of Wickline had to be fumigated due to a nasty roach problem. This landed every holdover from Wickline into the lion's den that is Barton.

Hunham stood in front of all 9 of us. 5 boys from Barton and 4 girls from Wickline. Much to my surprise, he was there.

Angus Tully.

We had met 2 years ago at a winter fundraiser. I had been serving drinks for the patrons when Angus waltzed over. From then on, the nature of our relationship was afflicted by our teenage hormones. Every time we saw each other it was a display of lingering eye contact and flirty comments. I never knew if he was serious.

"There will be no fornication, no hanky-panky, no coupling. So help me god, if any of you even stand one inch too close I will make you sleep in the snow." Hunham's voice boomed. He leaned forward, scooching a girl and a boy away from each other.

Angus and I locked eyes for a moment. He furrowed his brows for a second, as if he was confused at my presence. Then he smirked.

"Now, it is time to fuel your young brains with knowledge!"

A chorus of groans erupted from us.

We sat separated. Boys on one side of the study room, girls on the other. Hunham sat in the corner overlooking all of us. A lack of interest fogged all of our minds. Everyone was kind of just looking at their books instead of actually reading.

I glanced up. From across the room, a boy with long dirty blond hair waved at me. I think his name was Jason. He was pretty cute. I waved back, a small smile playing on my lips.

A curly-headed Angus turned around, head snapping between me and Jason. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Later on, we got to spend some time away from studying. We had all grouped together, walking through the snowy woods. Two of the other girls had cozied up next to Kountz. I was collecting fallen pinecones from the ground.

"What brings you here? Kingdom banished their princess?" A voice chuckled from behind. My head flicked around. Angus leaned against a tree, wielding a branch as a sword.

I scoffed, walking up to him. He gazed down at me in amusement. A grin covered his face. A grin that royally pissed me off. I shouldn't have taken it so seriously; but the rage inside of me, which was previously set to simmer, was now boiling; and Angus Tully was stirring the pot.

"I could ask the same about you, asshole. Did your family wish upon a star for you to go away?" I spat. His amusement shrunk, turning into a nasty frown.

"Hey, guys."

The both of us turned around, facing a chirpy and oblivious Jason. He flashed a smile at me.

"Hi!" I shoved Angus with my shoulder as I trudged through the snow to the jock. "Jason, is it?"

From behind, in a small mocking tone, Angus whispered, "Jason, is it?" He didn't know when to stop, did he?

"Do you want to play football with me?" Jason patted the ball in his hand, handing it out to me.

"Sure!" I nodded excitedly.

"Do you even know how to play?" Angus muttered. He had a permanent sour scowl on his face.

"You don't have to project your inabilities, Tully." I flashed a fake smile. "Or, would you like to join us?"

He crossed his arms. His nose was red, making him look like an extremely unhappy Rudolph.

"I'm fine." He mumbled, turning his back to us and walking over to the younger boys.

Needless to say, I was confused. We would have playful fights, yeah. But, this wasn't playful at all. I almost felt bad for him. Jealous, much?

We weren't official. I wasn't even sure if he knew we had a thing going on. Either way, it just wasn't time for anything serious. Jason was sweet and dumb enough for a quick dose of validation.

For the rest of the time spent outside, Jason and I passed the football around. He was fun and extremely hot. I mean, he was the type of attractive that turned Wickline Academy into a slip n' slide. But other than that, we had nothing in common. He was this flamboyant display of brawn and I found spelling bees fun. Every so often, I'd catch Angus staring at us from the other side of the courtyard.

Soon enough, Hunham called everyone in for dinner. We were actually allowed to sit beside each other. It felt like an awkward family dinner. Except we weren't family. So, it was more awkward.

Jason was already sat, so I decided to take my opportunity and sit beside him. He was chatting it up with one of the other Wickline girls. I huffed, slouching in my seat.

"Is this seat taken?" A familiar deep voice spoke from my left. Oh, great.

Angus hunched down, pulling the chair out and sitting himself down. He had a mischievous smirk plastered on his face. He leaned close to me, an uninterested look on his face. I could feel his breath on my cheek.

"What's wrong, princess?" He licked his chapped lips.

"You're here. I'd rather have a block of coal." I grunted.

Angus narrowed his eyes at me, before fluttering his lashes. He held his hand to his heart, "You flatter me."

I stuck my tongue out at him, toying with the napkin in front of me.

"So, Jason? Really?" He whispered inconspicuously. Mary set plates on the table, earning a small 'thank you' from him. "Didn't know you could stoop so low."

"I liked you, didn't I."

"Liked?"

His brows raised, a shocked expression on his face. All his wittiness had vanished in the blip of a moment. He averted his gaze to his plate of food. His curls hung over his face.

Of course, I didn't mean that. But he didn't know that.

I opened my mouth to speak, but at that point Hunham slammed the table for something Kountz had said.

For the rest of the dinner I kept my eye on him, he would poke and nudge his food with his fork but never actually take a bite. We didn't talk for the rest of the day.

The following morning everyone joined Jason on his family trip. My dad wasn't too keen on the idea of me spending an entire holiday with boys.

In the end, it was me and Tully. It was weird between us. The days were quiet. There were many times that I tried to apologize, but he would always run off or turn away every moment I tried.

I was sat in the kitchen with Mary Lamb, helping her bake brownies for a Christmas party. I mixed the dry ingredients, gritting my teeth as I thought about everything. It felt like my world was crumbling.

"You alright there, sweetie?" Mary questioned. She was cutting potatoes for the next day's dinner.

I groaned.

"Everything sucks. This wasn't where I planned to be. I didn't plan to be here today or to be in this stupid black hole that my life is." I whisked angrily. Some of the mixture spilled over the side of the bowl.

"Some of this gotta' do with that Tully boy?" She whistled. "I've seen the way y'all act."

I blushed slightly, "Yeah. I guess-. . . I said something i didn't mean. But, I don't get why he's so upset. We don't have anything real going on between us."

"Do you want something real?" Mary put down her knife. I poured the mix into a pan.

Do I want something real with Angus? In the last two years, I hardly learned much about him. We had covered up any real connection under flashy and casually insulting romance.

What had I learned about him? He is Angus. He's a pinch too loud in a quiet room. He walks like a newborn giraffe. He manages to piss everyone off in a 2 mile radius.

But with every taunt and quip he'd deliver, there was that toothy grin accompanying it. There were small moments where he would help the underclassmen with their assignments; and he always found time to find me.

I hadn't even given him a chance of thought. Dread filled my heart, overflowing into my veins like a dam had just broke.

"Would he even want anything?" I leaned on the palm of my hand, glancing outside the window. The snowfall landed softly on the windowsill. It reminded me of the first time he walked up to me.

.

.

.

"Is there any alcohol in this?" A boy with shaggy brown hair pointed. His pants were too short, as if he had just had a growth spurt overnight.

"Does fruit punch fuel your system?" I offered a cup. My nails were coated with pastel polish.

"I'm more of an apple juice kinda guy." He tugged on his loose tie. "I'm Angus."

"I'm Y/N".

"Do you wanna smoke a cigarette behind the bleachers?" The kid asked.

"I don't have a jacket." We looked outside the window. It was evening. The snowfall was heavy. We could hardly see past the courtyard.

"Take mine." He shrugged his jacket off, holding it in his trembling hands. His brown eyes were completely widened in awe. I took the jacket from his grasp, putting it on.

"Thanks Angus!" I chirped. "Come on, before they notice we're gone."

I grabbed his hand, interlocking our fingers. His hands were cold and clammy. But, funnily enough, so were mine. We ran outside, hiding under the bleachers as we joked about our classmates.

.

.

.

"Baby, all I know is he's going through as much as you are right now. You'll never know unless you try."

Mary's voice lingered in my head as I got dressed for the party. She was right. I had lost so much control in the last 3 months of my life. I was not going to let this pass me by. I was going to spite my way into Angus's heart.

In the car, Angus fought to sit in the passenger seat. Ultimately, Mary glared at him with such authority he cowered and clamored into the backseat with me. Instantly, he folded his arms and turned to look out the window.

Okay, this is fine? This is fine. I'll just sneak him aside at the party and fix this. I didn't want Hunham and Mary awkwardly listening in while I confessed my undying admiration for him.

We were greeted at the door by Miss Crane. She welcomed us happily. I looked around. This place was packed. Christmas music flew around the house like a jolly paper airplane.

"Y/N, can you take these to the kitchen please?" Miss Crane gave me the brownies we had baked. I glanced at Angus, who already looked out of place.

"Sure!" My lips pressed together into a thin line. I hurried over, having to pause for houseguests to step aside and move out of the way. This place was a goddamn maze. My forearms grew sore as I searched aimlessly. Then, like a glowing light at the end of the tunnel, I saw the kitchen. I practically threw the platter onto the counter.

When I returned back to the door, everyone was gone. How hard could it be to find a 6-foot tall teenager? I scooched and muttered 'excuse me' way too many times to count. After some asking around, I had made my way to the basement.

There were kids coloring and gluing crafts on a big round table. Others run around with plastic wands and swords. I was nearly stabbed by one of the children. Then I saw something I wish I didn't have to see.

Angus and a brunette locked lips in a corner of the basement. I completely and utterly froze. The dread that had consumed me earlier had solidified and left me still like a heartbroken fossil. They leaned away, and the girl caught my eye.

"Oh, hello! I'll be right with you!" She chirped. She had a blush on her face. My blood boiled. Angus's head whipped around. His eyes widened. He analyzed my face for any sign of a reaction. I closed my eyes and took a composing breath. I whipped around, stepping back up the stairs.

"Y/N! Give me one second." His steps boomed up the stairs behind me. "Come on, slow down."

I stepped out into the cold night. I tried to slam the front door behind me, but Angus shoved his foot between the gap.

"Ow. Really?" He mumbled. He grabbed my arms and stopped me in my tracks. "Y/N. Please."

I kept my back to him. I couldn't look at him. Would his face have that same blush she had? Would his lips be pink? Would he look happy? He sighed, jogging in front of me. He towered over me, a concerned look on his face. He looked almost devastated.

"What's wrong?" He mumbled.

"What's wrong?" I repeated, raising my voice. "You were sucking the life force out of that girl!"

"You're overreacting." He flung his arms in the air. Angus chewed on his lip anxiously. "Plus, last time I checked, why should you care? You were getting real cozy with Jason."

"That wasn't anything." I scoffed.

"Were we anything?" He whispered. His eyes had reddened, tears threatening to stream out.

"What?"

"You said you liked me." Angus whimpered. "What happened? Did I do something?"

"No." I blurted. "You did nothing. I-. . . I was just angry, Angus. I didn't mean that."

He stayed silent. The snow got caught on his curls. He looked more gorgeous than ever. It felt like we had snuck out to the bleachers all over again. Fuck it.

"Jesus, Angus. We have to stop being complete fucking idiots." I covered my face and groaned into my hands. "It's not a surprise that I like you. You think I would still be talking to you after 2 years if I didn't absolutely fucking adore you? I'm angry that everyone else is leaving me and I don't want you to either. I don't want you to disappear. I need you. I've needed you ever since we smoked together for the first time. I was just too fucking dumb to realize it. I need you to realize it too. I need you to realize Jason has nothing to offer me. "

His eyebrows raised slowly. I stared at him with wide eyes as I caught my breath.

"Was that weird? I'm sorry if-"

Angus cut me off by crashing his lips into mine. He had cold lips, but the feeling it gave me sent warmth throughout my body. His arms wrapped around my waist as we stumbled backwards. My back thudded against a wall as Angus pushed closer against me. I tangled my fingers into his hair, pulling the strands of hair slightly for any sense of stimulation. His chest pressed against mine and I could hardly breathe. But neither of us pulled away. He pushed his tongue into my mouth with fervor. Little grunts escaped his lips.

The slam of the front door pushed us away from each other. A guest waved goodbye to whoever was on the porch, oblivious to our raunchy escapade. Our gazes flicked back to each other. We both had that 'deer in headlights' look. The two of us burst into laughter. Angus threw his head back cackling.

"Seems like you had a practice." I remarked.

"Shut up."

"Too soon?" I grimaced. He nodded. His hands traveled up to my face, caressing my cheeks. His fingers were crusted over with a green pigment. "Why the fuck are your fingers covered in paint?"

"Oh shit, sorry. Fingerpainting." Angus pulled his hands back, stuffing them into his pockets. His lips were red and slightly wet.

"I have one question." I prodded.

"Hm?"

"Do you like me?"

Angus rolled his eyes, "I just sucked the complete life force out of you. When are you gonna stop being a complete idiot and realize I like you?"

"Touché." I smiled. A heartwarming smile covered his face. He leaned forward, planting a small peck on my forehead, before resting his chin on my head.

I wrapped my arms around his torso. Once again, that familiar memory popped into my head. I felt the same warmth from 2 years ago. This time it wasn't a cigarette. It was Angus. And suddenly it all felt worth it. Every bit of anger. Every bit of sass. Every bit of jealousy.

"So, are you gonna kiss me some more or do I need to get you a brain for Christmas, scarecrow?"

"So needy, princess."

[gloomuri671]

It's His Eyes

Sae Itoshi x Reader

Warning: smut, fingering, masturbation, noncon, first smut writing

Masterlist Next Chapter

Dear Diary,

It's his eyes.

They say eyes are the windows to the soul and I'd like to agree. Maybe that's why I'm in love with positions where I can see into his.

I saw him today while we passed each other in the hall. It was a brief moment, but we made eye contact. That single moment made my whole day.

My best friend, Sae Itoshi. We met in High School when he came to play in our country's team. It's too bad he'll have to stop playing with them when he's 18. I'll miss him. Teaching him our language wasn't as hard as his coach told me it would be. Maybe it's because Sae doesn't listen to the coach that much. Making plays based on "gut feeling" and just going with the "flow."

Maybe that's why we're good friends? Because I don't fit in as much as he does. It's the usual story, the homeschooled book worm prefers to step away from crowds because she's not comfortable. Yet Sae, who blends in well despite coming from a whole different country, would rather stick with me instead of his teammates at lunch. "They're too loud," he told me. "I know that for sure," I laughed. He ruffled my hair and looked over my shoulder. "They fuck in chapter thirteen," he said. I gasped and jumped, "I KNEW IT!" But then it occurred to me... "You spoiled it for me, you dork!" Maybe he hung around me more because I help him with our language? It helped me learn his a lot better anyways, so we're helping each other. "Wait you read?" I asked out loud. Sae gave me a look and flashed me his Kindle. My smile widened and I tackled him without a second thought.

Oh

But Sae...

Please forgive me.

I'm just a girl. Your eyes, they shine like diamonds in my dreams and we girls just love our jewels. In my dreams, you watch me as I play with myself. I never cease to shiver under your cold gaze. It's hard not to. Stroking myself - edging myself. "Please, please, please," I whispered.

"What?" You asked while scoffing, "I'm not a mind reader Y/n. You have to tell me what your asking for." So close! I'm so close! But I know my fingers can't reach the spot I barely graze as well as you could. Just the knowledge of that makes me go cold and miss my high. Yet it brings back a certain want and desire. "Touch me please!"

Slowly, you'd walk towards me ever so slowly talking your time. The anticipation, the need to have you here. Inside me instead of myself.. It gets me going. Waiting. Yet when I'd stop, you would too. So I don't, I don't stop. Your name runs off my tongue like a mantra. "I need you please," I begged. Your beautiful blue eyes never looked away from me, as if you knew what they do to me.

Yet when I'm finally at the edge about to tip off, you look away. You look down at me playing with myself. "No no no no," I whined, "Look at me! Please!" You don't by the way. You stare down at her instead. "I am," you claimed, "You're so beautiful." You fell on to your knees and kissed the inside of my thigh. "So beautiful." Finally, you look back up at me. My breath shakes then it leaves me. You're so handsome down there.

"Y/n."

Just like that, I'm woken from my day dream. "You okay? You zoned out on me." I take my eyes off the whiteboard in front of me and look into... Those dangerously beautiful eyes that haunt my days and lonely nights. Sae Itoshi, my desk mate in college. My best friend, one of my only friends actually.

I noticed I was staring and cleared my throat. "Sorry about that," I said, "These are the phrases Mr. Demetri gave me to go over with you..." Like nothing happened, we went over the next assignment in language arts. My fantasy long forgotten.

Forgive me, Sae. I can't stop thinking about you.

P.S.

Should I make it a series?

- Levina

[seuonji]

彡 the lyrics — choi seungcheol

—in which fans find out yn’s lyrics are about someone they know. not even her fellow members knew this but anyways, now their concern is, who’s the lyrics about?

part 1 ๑ part 2 ๑ part 3 ๑ part 4 ๑ part 5

song inspo— cheetah by deux visages

genre ๑ fluff & crack

notes ๑ band au! short smau. written chapter + some social media captures + a fun fact at the end!!

word count ๑ 1k

you came back from the washroom, swinging your hands to dry them, “wanna watch a movie or play a game?” you asked.

seungcheol was seated on your desk chair, still on his phone. if you peeked over you’d be able to see him typing gibberish in his chat with jeonghan and joshua. in his head, he thought of 30 different ways he could run away from this situation, but he knew if he left your place tonight without doing anything right now, he’d regret it.

“cheol?” you sat on your bed just across him.

“huh sorry?” he closed his phone.

“what do you wanna do?”

cheol knew what he wanted to say but also he didn’t.

but it suddenly spilled out.

“the lyrics,” he looked directly at you.

your heart dropped, “what about it?”

“who are they about? we were talking about it earlier but you never answered properly,” he recalled. you’ve never heard him speak with so much uncertainty before.

he saw the look of hesitation you had on your face. “what bad will it do if you reveal it,” he laughed softly trying to fill the silence.

it could go very bad. it could cost you your band, your career but that’s not what the problem was. it was bad because it could cost you your friendship with the person you cared about the most.

but what could you do about it, the cat was practically out the bag at this point.

“you,” you stiffly blurted.

you’d think cheol’s heart would start racing from hearing that but it’s been racing since he came to your place.

he covered his mouth, hiding his reaction. it’s the same reaction he had when he read the ‘cheol’ written in your diary, not like you’d know. “the lyrics are about me?” he asked to make sure but on your side, the words felt like a huge slap on your face.

you nodded in response.

“even our last song?”

“all of them are about you.”

that’s all he needed to hear to regain his confidence. of course he wasn’t happy to know the last song was about him, however with knowing the many other songs that exist in your discography was also about him, it felt a little good.

he rushed into a hug with you. you two stayed like that until he spoke again. “so you liked me?” he asked, still hugging you.

you didn’t answer so he parted from the hug. he kneeled on the floor and faced you, cupping your hands in his, “sorry that was a bold question.”

you were frozen still but his words thawed you,

“i’ll be honest, i like you, i like you so much, i like you right now and i’m sorry i never made that clear. after listening to the lyrics of our latest song, it feels like i’ve blown my chances with you.”

you finally looked at him in the eyes. “blown your chances?” you repeated confused.

“oh, do i still have a chance? does that means you still like me?”

cheol took note of the way you were quieter than usual. he gets it, it’s a hard topic to talk about but he wanted to get the ball rolling. he felt, there was a chance for you two. he saw something in your eyes, something that said you weren’t ready to let go of what could be and he felt the same way.

“damn, you can admit the songs are about me but you can’t admit you like me?“ he joked.

you chuckled softly, “some things are easier said in other forms.”

he smiled at your indirect confession but he still had more he wanted to understand. “well that last song you wrote sounds like you were getting tired of the person. as much as i love the song, how did you wind up writing those lyrics?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“i don’t know, you never made a move or showed any interest. but looking at it now, it’s my fault, i took it too quickly as a rejection.”

he placed his forehead on your hands, “it’s not your fault, we both were running away from what was just right in front of us.”

“yea,” you whispered quietly, agreeing with what he said.

his head was still rested on you and he continued, “i don’t know if you still like me, especially not after our last song but if ever you have even the slightest bit of feelings left or even none! i want to give you my all.”

you felt so weak and overwhelmed from all that was happening. for you, it was going too fast but something told you, it all might turn out okay.

you placed your head on his, “first, let me recover from all the heartburn.”

his head perked up, “huh?”

“i still like you but you dropped a bomb on me. let me recover,” you sat on the floor with him, still having your hands in his.

“you’ve been dropping bombs on me since 2 years ago!?” he squeezed your hands, implying the lyrics were the bombs.

“that is such an invalid comeback, also, 2 years and you only noticed now! honestly you didn’t even notice, you had to find out from our fans that the lyrics were about you!” you squeezed back.

“you daydream alot the lyrics couldve been those fake scenarios you make in your head,” he said moving his face closer to yours.

that line sounded too familiar.

“have you discussed this who my lyrics were about with jeonghan and joshua?”

“no. why? should i?”

“no.” you firmly said.

he just nodded and didn’t question it. regardless, he was too fulfilled with the current situation.

there was a long pause until cheol broke the silence.

“so after you recover, we can date?” he asked, tilting his head.

“yea sure.”

“also you have to tell me your thought process of all the lyrics you’ve written.”

you grunted at the request and laid on his lap, “don’t push your luck, if you can’t understand the songs that means you don’t pay enough attention when we’re together.” he scoffed and laughed, “you use hidden meanings and metaphors, it is not my fault if i can’t understand them!”

+

๑ cheol has asked you the meanings of your lyrics before but when he felt like the lyrics were starting to seem like they were about jeonghan, he stopped asking.

[s0ckh3adstudios]

howdy!! for the undertale gold au, i was wondering if we could see more of dalv? (or starlo, dalv and rover!! like the family portrait)

if not thats ok :) i just wanna see more of how these sillies work in the au

TA-DA!! Finally, after days... UTG Dalv! I Am So Sorry.

Disclaimer Corn Yaoi IS canon in this AU and for those who don't like it. I am sorry HEHEKGHLF It's too late for me to go back and I thought it'd be funny to include it. Too embedded in the lore now

You find out Dalv's backstory not through recorded tapes, but through his diary! You know, how he has one in the Ruins? In turn, Chujin still records tapes.

I actually wrote Dalv's diary entries and will be leaving them under the cut so you can all get your dose of exposition, but I'll give a summary of it below the Diary Entries if you want a TLDR!

Also, I apologize if the writing isn't very good- I tried my best to keep Dalv's character and write out what happened, but I'd probably edit a couple details if I wasn't lazy LMAO

====

SUMMARY:

Dalv and Starlo own a large farming area together where they grow crops for monsters to buy. They were given an opportunity to expand the farm, and their business by association, to the Snowdin area. Starlo was unable to meet with the people in Snowdin about it, so Dalv had to go. He was a bit nervous to do so, Chujin offered to join him! As long as he got to test out his latest project; Axis, a funny little robot. Rover, Dalv and Starlo's kid, also joined them! They wanted to visit Snowdin and play with Chujin's robot. Dalv and Chujin left Axis to watch and play with Rover while they had their meeting. But this is when danger struck. During the meeting, a human came through Snowdin and attacked Rover, even taking their hat. Despite Axis already chasing after the human and Chujin giving Dalv warnings, Dalv ran after the human as well to find his kid's hat.

Dalv did find the human... who was very injured after seemingly having had a run-in with Axis who was oddly nowhere to be found in that moment. When Dalv encountered in the human... something shifted in him. This human hurt his child, they could have taken them away... Seeing them... He felt angry. Without thinking, for reasons he can't really explain, he attacked the human and finished them off for good. In a panic, mortified at what he suddenly did, he stole the soul. He didn't want to admit it, even if this was what monsters were meant to do to humans. The soul was declared missing and Chujin was blamed; there was concern over how much damage Axis caused and the fact that he seemingly killed the human so brutally that he also destroyed the soul which they NEEDED.

Dalv decided he was going to try and use the soul for good and try to infuse its power into his crops! He thought if monsters ate them, they'd gain enough power to last against humans AND possibly bypass the barrier. He couldn't do this alone... So he ended up coming clean to Chujin about what happened. Chujin was VERY mad but figured if he helped, he could maybe get his job back. The two worked on the project and when sprouting their first soul infused crop, a cob of corn, Dalv offered to test it.

....It made him very sick.

When Dalv fell down, he had left a message to Starlo in his diary, telling him to read it after he died. He told Starlo to return the soul and shut down the project entirely. The farms are already in danger just for supposedly having some sort of illness in the crops that Dalv seemingly ate (a lie). But Starlo...... didn't listen. He felt bad that it didn't work out for Dalv and felt bad that he felt horrible about it. He wanted to do it for him. Carry on his legacy. Cling to what left he had of Dalv and what he was working on.

....But it was never meant to be.