#rather than be gay ignore reality for the little lesbians

[notheroverthinker]

My phone's at 1% and I'm looking at tyzula stuff.

[oncemorewithqueering]

twin peaks sexuality headcanons

warning: very long

my god do I have THINGS to say about this show and 99 of them are about albert

so I thought before my feed is entirely twin peaks, I’d give my thoughts on the Outrageous Gay Tension of this show with some context

also ignore my handwriting, I’m very sick at the moment and have taken a lot of paracetamol (be more responsible than me kids)

spoilers for all 3 seasons, sorry

DALE COOPER

he/him

transmasc (FTM)

bisexual

listen. listen. trucoop is real rosencoop is real it’s all real. i love coop more than i can describe (which is weird considering I’m gay) and i heavily head cannoned him as trans and bi the second he drove onto my screen. i think he’d prefer men but women are also his cup of tea, or coffee rather. anyway he deserved better and he deserved to give Harry a little kiss.

HARRY TRUMAN

he/him

cisgender male

bisexual

i originally would have said Harry was gay, but I’m not a big fan of relationship erasure. yes, he is with josie. that’s why he’s bi.

i think Harry would have had a crush on some guys at school but would have bottled it down, until coop came to town, and he suddenly had a gay crisis. if i had to pinpoint a moment, i would say his initial realisation would have been when coop steals his nose (best scene) and he would have come to terms with it by the end of season 1.

even harry is not immune to the eyes of Dale cooper.

LAURA PALMER

she/they

cisgender female (but questioning her identity)

biromantic lesbian

first up, I’d like to give my consolidation to Laura palmer and anyone who may be reading who ever experienced something like her. she is my favourite character, apart from Coop Harry and Audrey, and i think she deserved so much better. PERSONALLY i think she and Donna had a very strong emotional romance but not necessarily a physical one. i think that her experiences with men caused her to do a big ol’ comphet and assume she liked being intimate with men. in reality, i think she wasn’t actually attracted to them but was doing it, alongside all the canon reasons, to reject her feelings to women.

and James happened, i guess.

DONNA HAYWARD

she/they

demigirl

homoflexible

idk whether i just see my identity in donna, but i think she definitely isn’t 100% female. i can’t explain it at all, but i just get the vibe.

as for her sexuality, obviously she and Laura had their thing, but i think her romantic tension with literally all. the. female. characters. initially made me think she was a lesbian. but, we have the James factor.

fucking James (my reaction whenever he is onscreen btw)

i think that her emotional intimacy to Laura would have naturally led her to the other emotionally intimate person in Laura’s life. i think James is the closest thing she has to Laura left, which is so sad. i love donna, idc what the widely accepted opinion is. i believe the ‘Just You’ song scene is her grappling with her feeling with maddy. i mean tbh if my girlfriend died and then her identical twin came back, i would probably be weird about it too.

AUDREY HORNE

she/they

trans femme (MTF) (i couldn’t fit it on the picture sorry)

biromantic demisexual

AUDREY AUDREY AUDREY AUDREY MY BELOVED

when i tell you i came out of twin peaks 15% gayer it is BECAUSE OF THIS GIRL. i love her storylines, her dialogue, her friendship with coop. it all feels so realistic! and her dancing!

back to the sexuality and gender thing, which is what this post is about, i personally believe her crush on coop came from a place of seeing a happy trans person comfortable in their identity and finding that beautiful. then translating that to love.

as for being biromantic, c’mon. donna and her definitely had a thing going for a bit. her demi sexuality comes from a place of her extreme discomfort in sex work (which is valid if you aren’t demisexual, by the way, but combined with her virginity until she forms a meaningful connection, the pieces fell into place for me. yes i am also demisexual and yes i am totally biased.)

ALBERT ROSENIFELD

he/him (because he is Him)

trans masc (FTM)

gay as fuck

“I love you, sheriff Truman”

I’m sorry??? excuse me?

albert is gay in so many ways it’s not even funny. with coop. with Harry. with gordon in season 3. and my trans headcanon? idk i just sort of vibed with it. normalise head canonning people as gay or trans with no reason.

also i love the idea that Denise, Albert and coop are just a group of trans fbi agents. we already have Mulder from the x files we need more (tell me if you want an x files version of this)

GORDON COLE

he/him

cisgender male

bicurious

i honestly can’t tell if David lynch would curse me for this post or just shrug it off

anyway. gordon didn’t strike me as being particularly fruity until season 3, when he had his whole trans power speech and those weirdly domestic scenes with albert. like, pop off little fbi husbands. i think he’s still working through period-typical biphobia and isn’t ready to say he’s bi. but i think with time he will be.

someone needs to take me away from this show for like a week and sit me down with some literature. I’d just gay headcanon it anyway (looking at you Sherlock Holmes)

BOBBY BRIGGS

they/he

demiboy

bisexual

the more i watch this show, the more i think to myself…”Bobby is…me?” idk whether it’s dana ashbrook’s truly unhinged and amazing performance, the weird nervous gay energy and the lack of masculinity for a character who would normally be obnoxiously masculine. i love him so much.

i think Bobby would struggle in the gender norms of being the child of a military man. and the sexuality norms of being the “bad boy” in school. i firmly believe that he is bisexual, because let’s face it, everyone in this godforsaken show is bi. find me ONE straight character. ONE STRAIGHT.

SHELLY JOHNSON

she/her

cisgender female

heteroflexible and demisexual

SHELLY IS A LITTLE BIT GAY BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD AS I WAS WATCHING THIS I WAS THIS CLOSE (HOLDS FINGERS TOGETHER) TO KISSING MY TV SCREEN.

shelly seems like the sort of person to have been raised with certain heteronormative values. but, i think after going out with Bobby, i think she’d have a little sit and think and say “huh maybe i would kiss a girl.” she hasn’t, yet, but that’s just because her crushes so far have been on men. if she met the right girl, she would.

i think her demisexuality comes partly from trauma and also because we need something in common because, if i haven’t made it clear, i LOVE HER.

HAWK

he/him

cisgender male

gay

don’t be lying about that poetry being for your girlfriend hawk. this is the only character where i will defy canon, fold my arms and say no. i love that hawk got a bigger role in season 3, and i think that based off all i know about him (being the best character) i would headcanon him as being gay. why? idk. look at him?

hawk would totally just rock up one day with a guy on his arm, no explanation, and say nothing until Lucy stumbled into asking him about this guy. and he’d just be like “oh this is my husband. yeah we’ve been married for 6 years. you were at the wedding, we just didn’t tell you it was a wedding.”

iconic.

also i had hair envy the entire show, i wish that when i straightened my hair it was that luxurious.

LUCY BRENNAN

she/her

cisgender female

bisexual

I’m sorry Lucy, no one is THAT frazzled and not sapphic. it’s a rule.

i feel like Lucy would consider herself straight until she was taught about the internet, got a Facebook account, and promptly shut it down, but before doing that saw the word ‘bisexual’ and felt weirdly drawn to it. Andy was, of course, super supportive if a little confused. she’s still figuring it out.

i feel like she’d wear sweaters in the bisexual colours and be very happy whenever someone noticed.

ANDY BRENNAN

he/him

cisgender male

straight ally (but not really)

Andy is straight, but like more in a straight with a question mark way. maybe if he hadn’t dated Lucy, maybe if they hadn’t fallen in love, he would have caught feelings for a guy. after Lucy came out, he did some thinking, but decided to keep it to himself. who knows, maybe his tulpa is “kinda gay” (obligatory Buffy reference)

WE ARE DONE LADIES AND GENTS AND PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT EITHER BUT STILL HIGHLY ESTEEMED.

so, thoughts? I’m gonna do a part two with the season 3 exclusive characters, and some characters i forgot, like Norma, ed, Hank, josie, James….and Wyndam Earl. OH and Denise

thank you so much for bearing with me, and love y’all 🫶

(not as much as I’ll ever love Shelly)

[hard--headed--woman]

i hate to break it to you, but you aren't actually a feminist if you refuse to include trans and intersex people in your activism, you're just a terf. it's really great that you call people ignorant when you won't even acknowledge that words and their definitions change with time. the definition of the word lesbian has changed because we know that gender doesn't always exist within a binary. NOT ONLY THAT, but trans people have been around for forever, dude. it's insane that people like you still exist within our community.

but i don't think that that is even the worst thing. just from skimming your blog, it's glaringly obvious that you are completely uneducated when it comes to the topics you like to preach about, and your opinions are based upon bias and prejudice rather than actual facts-- and, of course, basic human empathy and compassion are both things that exist. you should try them.

anyways, i do have an actual question for you. you say that biological sex is a neutral reality, and your genitals help determine your sexuality to some degree, right? i'm just going off of your pinned post, where you say that lesbians can't have dicks. my question is, what would you call an intersex lesbian? or someone who identifies as a gay man, but is intersex?

also, i'm curious about your response to the previous ask you answered. maybe if you could explain the ignorance in that post, we may understand your point of view a little more, and i'm being sincere when i say that. it's not your job to educate any of us, and i'm not saying you have to, but you might get less hate if you actually explain why you think the way you do.

It's not your job to educate me, a lesbian feminist, on what lesbianism and feminism mean. Go read some books because you are only saying bullshit. I would get less hate if you people were less hateful, pathetic and stupid. But you are just proving me right. Have a good day.

[bisluthq]

hi nat! i know you don’t believe in kaylor anymore, but i wanted to send in my kaylor/joshlie theory, just as food for thought and fun speculation.

CW: ED

background:

back in 2017, i made a new friend. i quickly became kinda obsessed with her. i idolized how tall and skinny she was, her radiant sunshine-like presence, and the way she was so much cooler than me. something about her just drew me in like a magnet.

one day she told me that she was “bi-curious,” and i felt the unexplainable urge to tell her that i was queer too—so i did.

thus started our intense homoerotic friendship. we talked about everything, and she was rather touchy and flirty with me (we even hooked up a few times). but she was hung up on this dude who she’d been in a long-term off-and-on relationship with. looking back, i think she saw me as a willing participant in her experimentation phase—a source of casual fun while on a break from her ‘real’ relationship (plus, i came with the added bonus of helping her figure out her sexuality a bit).

meanwhile, i was serious about us because i was in love with her. as such, the relationship was obviously very unhealthy: neither of us had appropriate expectations of the other, and because of the imbalance in our level of commitment/love, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of my friendship in ways that only increased my obsession with her. naturally, our friendship eventually imploded.

i think the kaylor story may look similar.

my theory on kaylor:

i think that kaylor had a very similar friendship as me and my friend. their connection obviously started out as pr, but they ended up getting along well and bonded. thus started their genuine friendship.

i think that their eating disorders were likely a strong source of bonding/connection for them, as this was the case for me and my friend as well. i wanted to emulate how skinny my friend was, just how i think taylor wanted to emulate how skinny karlie was. (remember the vogue best best friends video, in which taylor complemented karlie’s “shiny abs.”) this is obviously an unhealthy place to start a friendship: from day one, you are on uneven ground, where one person is essentially worshipping the other and seeing them as a god-like figure to emulate.

imagine that taylor in that sort of mindset with karlie. and on top of that, she’s attracted to karlie—obsessed with her skinny body, her sunshine-like personality, how sophisticated she is, how effortlessly successful she is, etc. she develops an infatuation with karlie. she wants to take karlie to big sur with her and play 1989 on the way, and she’s so obsessed with karlie that she wants to tell her the truth about the 1989 muse. (trust me, it’s feasible—i told my friend shit i’d never have even imagined confessing to another human, all because of how infatuated with her i was.) so taylor and karlie sit down, have an intensely emotional conversation about how taylor is bi, how the pressures of staying closeted gut her every day, how her relationship with the 1989 muse dianna was so full of strife due to closeting, etc. /// or maybe taylor feels that she must disclose her bisexuality to karlie before the big sur trip. she’s terrified that if she doesn’t tell karlie she’s bi, then karlie will somehow find out. and taylor’s afraid that then, karlie will be creeped out that a ~predatory lesbian~ invited her on a three-month sleepover, leading to the demise of their friendship. so taylor must avoid that outcome – so she must come out to karlie.

so, for either reason i described, taylor comes out to karlie. considering how scared taylor is to come out to karlie (since it might ruin their friendship, or karlie might maliciously out her to others now that she knows, etc.) and considering how generally poor taylor’s mental health was at the time, the coming out inevitably evolves into an intensely emotional conversation about taylor’s fears, insecurities, the pressures of being a closeted mega-celebrity, etc. perhaps karlie feels compelled to match the level of emotion and vulnerability, motivating her to tell taylor “i’m questioning if i might be a little bi too.” or perhaps taylor’s level of earnestness and rawness stirs up the illusion of intense emotions inside of karlie. so, karlie “comes out” to taylor – confessing that she’s questioning/bi-curious (for context, i think karlie is kinsey 1). /// (to show the validity of this possibility – this is how evangelical churches, such as the one shown in the 2006 documentary “jesus camp”, are able to convince children that they’re being overcome by the holy spirit, being prompted by god to break down in tears, etc. – psychologically speaking, when people are put into highly intense emotional situations, [such as taylor breaking down while coming out to karlie], their brains will feel inadvertent pressure to match the level of emotion. as such, their brains will either exacerbate existing relevant emotions, or create the illusion of relevant strong emotions. [this is probably especially true for karlie, since she is an empath and a people pleaser.]).

thus starts the “friends with occasional benefits” stage. karlie views the relationship as something casual, something that gal pals do sometimes, something fun to experiment with while she and josh are on a break, and maybe with the added bonus of helping her figure out if she’s actually a little bit queer.

but taylor falls hard. as i already said, i think taylor was infatuated with karlie’s personality, success, and skinniness. that’s why taylor is willing to engage in such an unhealthy and un-reciprocal relationship: she’s willing to tolerate josh’s presence, because her brain is so fixated on karlie that she’s willing to endure anything for her. taylor may even recognize that kaylor is doomed, but she’s so in love/obsessed that she can’t bring herself to care about anything other than the utter infatuation she feels in this present moment. (this was true of me and my friend – my friend would literally vent to me about her long-term on-again-off-again boyfriend, and i was willing to endure it because of how obsessed with her i was.) or maybe taylor’s somewhat in denial about josh. (this was also true of me and my friend – i had such a hard time conceptualizing that she had feelings for the man that my brain, to some extent, refused to fully grasp the reality of that.) or maybe taylor was even in denial about how intensely she loved karlie, convincing herself that she just really valued her platonic friendship (i also did this – it took me months to admit that i had a crush on my friend and admit that my level of obsession wasn’t normal gal pal behavior – even though i was already out to myself.) also keep in mind the eating disorder dynamic here – taylor looked to karlie as an idol regarding how to eat healthy, exercise, be skinny, and be successful. the mindset of people engaged in eating disorders tends to be obsessive and unhealthy to the extent of being willing to ignore reality / unknowingly refusing to accept reality, possibly including the reality of josh, if taylor feels like her skinniness is dependent on her connection with karlie.

so basically, karlie sees this as a gal pal fling, friends with the occasional casual benefit. taylor, conversely, is infatuated with karlie. one thing that really confirms this for me is kissgate. taylor was liking kaylor shipped tumblr posts shortly before kissgate – she obviously was feeling something for karlie that night. but karlie wasn’t committed to taylor to the same level – yes they (allegedly) made out, but karlie made out with josh immediately afterwards. /// to taylor, kaylor is a ship, an endgame. but to karlie, taylor is just a fun little pit stop, and she’s gonna go make out with her real boyfie immediately after.

eventually, the friendship inevitably implodes, leading to their breakup in 2016. some straw finally breaks the camel’s back on this relationship which was unhealthy and doomed from day 1.

now let’s look at lyrical evidence from repuation that supports my theory.

lyrical evidence from reputation:

ready for it

the bearding anthem. verses “he” are joe, as confirmed by the music video. chorus “you” is her fantasy idealized version of long-term kaylor.

there’s a reason that the “you” relationship (in the chorus) is happening IN HER DREAMS and not in real life – she pines for this committed and serious relationship with karlie, but that’s not reality.

but taylor has hope that it might happen – “i know i’m gonna be with you, so I TAKE MY TIME.” she imagines they’ll be friends-to-lovers, and she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage

this is a stretch, but “thief”/“robber” may refer to how she’s “stealing” karlie from josh lol. “touch me and you’ll never be alone” may also be a cheeky reference how taylor was like a temporary placeholder for josh – when karlie felt alone bc she and josh were on a break, taylor was like “touch me karlie, to keep you occupied while josh has left you alone. and oh yeah, if you end up in a relationship with me, then i promise that you’ll never be alone, bc i will commit to you, unlike that josh boy. i will be so much better than him, if you just let me.”

end game (but only the chorus/verse which taylor wrote)

“i WANNA be your endgame” – taylor is not in a committed relationship with karlie. as karlie sees it, they’re just fooling around. but taylor wants more than that: she wants to be karlie’s endgame.  

“you and me would be a big conversation” bc they’re gay. (sorry joseph matthew alwyn, this line is not about you)

“i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” may be a reference to how karlie is gal pals with plenty of her female friends (example – her platonic yet very affectionate relationship with toni garrn). but taylor wants more than that – she wants their touches to be romantic rather than just platonic/occasionally casually sexual.

“i don’t wanna hurt you” – taylor fears that she’s bad news for karlie (a sentiment repeated in the first line of delicate, the bridge of i did something bad, etc.). this may be internalized homophobia – the predatory lesbian falls in love with her pure/innocent straight best friend and then corrupts her with homosexuality.

“but i ain’t tryna play” – taylor wants this relationship to be more than just the occasional fun/playful/casual hook up. she wants to be karlie’s end game.

“i hit you like ‘bang’, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn’t” may refer to the first time they hooked up. it was unexpected, just happened so suddenly (“like ‘bang’”). and they were just going to put it past them – sometimes friends hook up, it’s whatever. but taylor can’t move on from it.

“your body is gold” – self-explanatory. karlie is the gold rush girl, after all.

“you’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks” reminds me of how i used to try to communicate my seriousness/love to my friend, but she’d laugh it off and assume i was joking. conversely, perhaps the “trick” is that taylor is pretending that she’s not super invested in karlie—maybe karlie is catching on to the fact that taylor is infatuated with her in a ~gay way~. taylor denies it, but karlie calls her bluff on that statement.

“here’s the truth from my red lips” – but in the music video, her lips aren’t red when she says this line. this may allude to all of the lying involved in her relationship with karlie (such as lying about just how in love with karlie she really was). or taylor may have her lips a different color because the truth has changed from the time she wrote this song to the time she’s filming the video – when she wrote this song, it was true that she wanted to be karlie’s endgame. but by the time rep era is here and they’re filming this video, the kaylor friendship is over, and it is no longer true that taylor wants to be karlie’s endgame.

i did something bad

just like in “ready for it”, i think the verses primarily refer to bearding (or maybe calvin/kimye, idk), but the chorus is about karlie.

“they say did something bad / then why’s it feel so good” – it is bad that she slept with karlie despite the fact that karlie is in a complicated long term relationship with josh. but the sex felt good ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

“and i’d do it over and over and over again / IF I COULD” – this implies that taylor only did ~the bad thing~ a few times, and she was unable to do it more times, even though she wanted to. this lines up with my theory that she and karlie hooked up a few times (casually in karlie’s eyes), but taylor wanted it to be more than just a few times (she wanted to be karlie’s endgame). but they couldn’t get to that committed place of routinely having sex bc karlie was still low key hung up on josh.

this is a very unlikely reach but – “he says ‘don’t throw away a good thing’” – “he” might be josh speaking to karlie about their relationship.

in the bridge, taylor says that she is a witch being unjustly burned. the witch is burned because she is being accused of the sin of dark magic – this parallels josh accusing taylor of being a witch who committed the sin of sleeping with his girlfriend, or maybe even the sin of “corrupting” the pure straight girl karlie. furthermore, the bridge invokes religious imagery of purgatory. and tbh, religious imagery is almost always gay xoxo.

don’t blame me

“don’t blame me, love made me crazy” again implies that taylor has committed a sort of ~crime~, such as the ~crimes~ i just mentioned regarding the don’t blame me bridge.

“my drug is my baby” – the drug reference makes me think of dependency. the obsession and infatuation i experienced with my friend (and that i suspect taylor experienced with karlie) is sort of like a drug dependency – and just like a drug dependency, the need for each other is not reciprocal (the drug does not need you back).

“shaking, pacing, i just need you” implies that taylor does not have “you”, which is consistent with my theory that she wanted kaylor to be endgame whereas karlie was only willing to doing occasional gal pal hook ups.

“for you, i would cross the line” / “they say she’s gone too far this time” – sleeping with josh kushner’s ~innocent straight~ girlfriend certainly crosses a line, lol.

“i would waste my time” – as i mentioned in my ready for it analysis, taylor hopes that kaylor be friends-to-lovers. she’s willing to wait as long as necessary for them to fully reach that lovers stage, even though she recognizes that the relationship is doomed and thus a waste of time.

“my name is whatever you decide” – we don’t have to “girlfriends.” we can just be “friends with benefits” or “gal pals” or whatever name you decide, because i am so desperate to have you at all that i will accept you in any form.

“i’m insane, but i’m your baby” – acknowledging that this unhealthy relationship/infatuation she has with karlie is “insane”

“halo hiding my OBSESSION” – “obsession” (!!!!) (that’s what i’ve been saying kaylor was!!!). also, “halo” is a religious metaphor, and religious metaphors are always gay xoxo. and this is a reach, but as a victoria’s secret angel, karlie wears a halo.

“i once was poison ivy, but now i’m your daisy” – i’m sorry, but i’ll never get over the fact that karlie tagged the daisy as taylor, and then taylor drew a picture of a daisy in an identical position above the word “daisy” in the handwritten lyrics.

“for you, i would fall from grace / just to touch your face” – religious metaphors are gay xoxo!

delicate – unsure if this song is about karlie (i think it’s more likely about lily or even joe), but if it is about karlie, it does align well with my kaylor theory.

“this ain’t for the best” – doomed relationship due to josh, corruption of straight girl, karlie won’t commit, etc.

“we can’t make / any promises” – karlie can’t commit to taylor like taylor wants/needs

“is it cool that i said all that? is it chill that you’re in my head? cuz i know that it’s delicate” – is it cool that i have gay feelings for you, bestie, because i know we’re toeing a very delicate line between friends and lovers?

“third floor on the west side” – iirc, the master bedroom of karlie’s west side apartment was on the third floor

“do the girls back home touch you like i do?” – contrasting platonic girls’ touches to the type of touch taylor is giving her. (similar vibe to “i don’t wanna touch you …… like the other girls do” in end game)

“stay here, honey, I DON’T WANNA SHARE” – i don’t wanna share you with josh

“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” – implies that karlie is not hers all the time (because she’s josh’s)

“i like you …… i want you” – taylor is Yearning™ for a deeper/more serious relationship with karlie

look what you made me do

i don’t think this song has much substance, but it may draw on themes/emotions from the kaylor friendship break up.

“i don’t like your games” – i don’t like how you led me on, making me feel like we could be forever when, in reality, you were never going to commit to me because you loved josh

“don’t like your tilted stage” – this reminds me of the power imbalance i mentioned earlier: taylor was obsessed with karlie and idolized her. karlie did not reciprocate this dedication and infatuation. because taylor’s love for karlie is so much more intense than karlie’s love for her, the metaphorical scale is imbalanced, making it tilt.  

“the role you made me play, of the fool” – you made me out to be a fool, ready to confess my undying love even though you could never reciprocate. // furthermore, the “role” may refer to how they had to act like platonic girl squad besties as per their pr arrangement (reminds me of how karlie publicly said “taylor and i are still besties” after karlie’s name wasn’t on the junior jewels shirt in the lwymmd mv, how karlie promo-ed the “Me!” filter on Instagram, the song closure, etc.)

“your perfect crime” – the crime of sleeping with taylor despite being low key still with josh

“i got smarter” – i began to realize how unhealthy this warped and imbalanced friendship was

“you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out and threw a feast” – this may refer to karlie had a ~designated bestie sleepover room~ in taylor’s house, and that enty blind about how karlie used taylor’s credit card and that caused a feud lol

i do not think that “so it goes” is about karlie – it’s too reciprocal. i don’t think gorgeous is about karlie specifically – maybe lily or just women in general. and i agree with andy’s theory that getaway car is more so an exercise in storytelling than a song that contains substantive clues about her relationships.

king of my heart

we have the photos showing that taylor wrote/recorded this after facetiming with karlie to watch the sunset together. taylor wrote this right after that romantic coded date, presumably during a high point of their friendship/relationship – as such, this song is more idealistic than most other kaylor songs. taylor is hopeful about the future of a committed endgame kaylor. (but, we’ll also see that taylor does still have some insecurities about kaylor.)

“now you try on calling me baby like trying on clothes” – karlie is just “trying on” calling her baby. karlie is new to this whole wlw thing, and she won’t be wearing these metaphorical clothes (a wlw relationship) for long – she’s just trying them on. furthermore, “trying on clothes” may reference how karlie is a model.

“salute to me, i’m your american queen” – i think i remember from my ttb days (derogatory) that there’s a video clip of karlie calling taylor “the perfect all-american girl” whilst doing a salute.

“you move to me like a motown beat” may reference the “motown beats” instagram post where kaylor are putting on lipstick together

the fact that taylor includes the line “all the boys and their expensive cars … never took me quite where you do” may be a sign of taylor’s insecurity. i think this may be a message to karlie – ‘yes, josh is a rich boy with expensive cars, but look, we are so much better than joshlie is.’ calling josh a mere “boy” is also a funny little insult – he’s not a man, he’s just some silly little boy who can’t satisfy you like i can.

“body and soul” – i think it might be significant that taylor specifies body AND soul. they’re already connected by the soul through their close friendship – but now they’re connecting sexually with their bodies as well. conversely, this could reference how they’ve already connected bodily through casual gal pal hook ups, but now taylor believes that they’re starting to connect on that romantic soul level as well.

“school girl crush” gives me such unreciprocated crush vibes. maybe taylor’s crush was unreciprocated for a while, but she has reason to believe that their relationship is growing into ~more than just friends~, as she’s desired

“drinking beer out of plastic cups” – knicks game

“say you fancy me, not fancy stuff” – “fancy” could just be straight-bait to make swiftwyn beards look more convincing, or it could be a re-dedication of the song to joe (just how the bridge of dress re-dedicated that song to joe). (for context, i believe in swiftwyn beards-to-lovers.) but what’s important here is that “fancying stuff” made me think of how, as a model, karlie is like madona’s Material Girl. rich boy josh with his fancy cars can give karlie more “stuff” to satisfy her inner material girl, but taylor wants to show karlie that she can give her deeper fulfillment than that.

“this is enough” – this might be taylor reassuring herself that their relationship, despite being in a weird ~gal pals who hook up occassionally~ is enough. even though they’re not ~girlfriends~, the relationship is enough, because taylor believes that they’re working their way towards that ~body and soul endgame wives~ type of relationship.

“all at once” may refer to a seemingly sudden shift in the nature of their relationship – one day, they’re (infuriatingly) just gal pals who hook up, but all of a sudden, taylor has reason to believe/hope that maybe they’re starting to be more than that, maybe inching their way towards endgame territory.

i do not think that dancing with our hands tied is necessarily about karlie. it seems too reciprocal to be just about her; it might be an amalgamation of many relationships and how she frequently fears being outed.

dress

“a golden tattoo” – drake’s party. also, karlie is gold rush girl

“all of this silence, pining and anticipation / my hands are shaking from holding back from you / all of this silence, pining and desperately waiting” – once again implies that taylor does not have karlie the way she wants her. there’s “pining” because she wants more than karlie can give. and taylor is “desperately waiting” in hopes that maybe one day karlie will reciprocate her love to the full extent that she desires

“i don’t want you like a best friend” – self-explanatory

“carve your name into my bedpost” – taylor is making a request – ‘please commit, please leave a sign that you are committed to me forever, please be my endgame.’ note the dichotomy between this plea for karlie to take the initiative to make the carving, versus the statement in the first verse of how karlie inadvertently left “an indentation in the shape of” her. the indentation was not an act of karlie’s chosen will – taylor just so happened to fall in love with her, and now she’s asking karlie to reciprocate by making that carving.

“inescapable, i’m not even gonna try” – taylor is resigned to the fact that she’s fallen for karlie, even though the relationship might be doomed (as the next line demonstrates)

“if I get burned, at least we were electrified” – taylor is acknowledging that this relationship is low key doomed, and if anyone is going to get hurt, it’ll be taylor. taylor will be the one getting “burned” by the intensity of her infatuation, whereas karlie won’t be burned because she never reciprocated that intense love. /// going back to my commentary on “carve your name into my bedpost” – note how taylor frequently references karlie “claiming” her (with “marks”, “indentations”, “carvings”, and now “burns”), whereas taylor never states that she’s claimed karlie in any way. i think this may reflect taylor’s recognition that she has fallen much harder for karlie than karlie has for her. karlie does not bear marks, indentations, carvings, or burns from their relationship, because she was never as committed as taylor was. but taylor bears all those things because it is she who fell so hard for karlie.  

“you kiss my face and we’re both drunk” reminds me of that trope where the gal pals only make out when they’re drunk because they’re convinced they’re actually straight. maybe karlie is one of those straight girls who only has so much capacity for wlw sex, meaning that it happens more often when she’s drunk than when sober.

i do not think that “this is why we can’t have nice things” is a direct karlie song. it may indirectly reference how karlie “broke” the “nice thing” that was their relationship by refusing to commit, but i don’t think that the song has anything substantive to show us about kaylor.

i’m not sure if i think “call it what you want” is a kaylor song. on some level, “fit like a daydream” does sound like eating disorder taylor idolizing karlie’s body, and it’s interesting to me how the subject of the song expresses virtually no devotion to taylor, whereas taylor spends the whole song telling the subject “call it what you want – call us girlfriends, gal pals, whatever you want as long as i can keep you.” this reminds me a bit of kaylor.

new year’s day

“don’t read the last page” because i know that this book has a sad ending. this relationship is doomed, and it’s going to end poorly. but let’s put that out of our minds – i’m to infatuated with you in this moment to think about how this will inevitably end.

“i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away” – when karlie is “lost” (leaving taylor to go back to josh) or “turning away” from taylor to go back to josh, taylor stays. she’s scared that she’s going to lose karlie, but she’s still going to stay, because she’s willing to “waste her time” (don’t blame me) waiting for karlie to choose her.

“i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes” – taylor is willing to stay through the mess of their imbalanced and un-reciprocal relationship even when that inevitably gets hard. their relationship is “wrong” because karlie is josh’s, and maybe kaylor was a mistake because of joshlie, but taylor doesn’t care – she loves karlie too much, so she’s going to stay and wait for karlie to choose her.

“i WANT your midnights” – implying that taylor does not currently have them, because karlie is not reciprocating the level of love taylor is giving and wants in return.

“hold on to the memories” implies that this relationship will be ending soon (because it is doomed), leaving karlie only memories to hold onto.

“i will hold onto you” – this goes back to the theme of taylor’s obsession. karlie is her drug – she’s addicted to her, and she will “waste her time” eternally waiting for karlie to choose her because she’s that obsessed with her.

“please don’t ever become a stranger” – why is taylor worrying about this? because the relationship is doomed, and becoming strangers feels like this horrible yet inevitable ending that will be a part of “the last page”

thanks for reading, and sorry about any typos!

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

SUBMISSION

I found this as part of my Insta ask era but let’s look over this for thoughts. Haven’t read it yet but I know anon was stressed it got lost (it did because y’all talk too much but also don’t stop I love it).

[bornwantingmore]

re: supernatural queerbaiting, i hate to be the party pooper but i think the new wave of post-despair young “tik tok” fans tend to assume that so many of the destiel moments from the height of superwholock (say, around season 7-10) are like, due to the cw misunderstanding how to represent a friendship between two heterosexual men or the two characters naturally becoming something different than they were written, rather than the reality that the cw knew exactly how to represent a completely platonic relationship, but chose to push it in ways that would appeal to its young, majority-LGBT audience who was watching because they shipped destiel. i remember being a little 13-year-old closeted lesbian and only watching for the moments that made me think maybe something would happen. the explicit destiel mention in 10x05 was like crack to me. i was their exact target: high school age, queer, and easily satisfied with winks and nudges that the straight audience could either ignore or read as comedic. like it is so poetic to frame it as a love story that transcended the boundaries of the tv show and writers that made it, but we do have to recognize that for the most part, the cw knew exactly what they were doing. i can’t even remember where i was going with this but how fucked up is this? it’s literally so easy to make a gay relationship canon but they chose to string us along until the very end. anyways i’m gonna rewatch schitt’s creek and remember that gay people get happy endings. 

[kaypeace21]

i’m a survivor too, and i found that certain scenes/stuff will said just really struck me as ‘csa-survivor’-like? i felt a bit uncomfortable about headcanoning it happening to someone else, especially for a fandom as wild as this one, but your metas have really been a comfort to me because they’ve been able to pick out and explain things that i couldn’t necessarily find the words for myself.

and yeah, i would love to have a character like me that is powerful and who finds love and who gets a happy ending. the people who call the theory disgusting always kinda hit wrong with me because although csa is a difficult subject, we shouldn’t be ashamed about sharing it. they sound like they’re trying to say that it’s a bad topic to talk about and implying that it can’t happen to kids, which uhhhhh-

(i’m sure that’s not what they mean, precisely, but it’s still what they sound like, and i wish that they would stop implying that we can’t exist, especially in popular media. we do, and i’m not gonna pretend we don’t, and if they feel uncomfortable with the topic they can just use the block button. we deserve to have some well written representation just as much as anyone else. also, i really really hope that will gets a happy ending.)

anywayyyy i love your theories and i can see your post in the tag so i think you’re fine?? have a good day ❤️❤️❤️

SORRY, this ask took so long to respond to. It always warms my heart to hear other survivors speak and say they found comfort in my theory.

Yes, I think I and a lot of c*a/r*pe victims (subconscious or otherwise) were triggered by some of the symbolism/visuals in s1-3. And s3 made it hard for most of us to ignore the past imagery- since s3 wasn’t as subtle.

I get why people have reservations about the theory. But the debates to the contrary are usually just plain offensive. Or people trying to be respectful but being the opposite. There’s the obvious bad-apples . I got many anons after part 1 of my DID theory saying it “ruined/tainted byler”, and “if that happened to Will i’ll stop shipping byler” , or that it  “ruins the best gay character” ,  and to “remove the post immediately”. And this was when I was open about being a gay c*a victim. I obviously blocked them. Many survivors don’t come forward because they’re afraid people will see them as “tainted”, “ruined”, “ just their trauma”, or blame them for what happened. So yeah, it pisses me off when people say similar stuff about Will (and thus other c*a victims). Not even diving into the messed up psychology about byler/mileven shippers (knowing i was a lesbian c*a victim) but purposely spreading bs rumors about me being a p*do that was into Will/Noah-all because of the theory. -_-

Then there’s the people who try to be “respectful” but literally do the opposite.

I’ve heard numerous times it’s somehow “less offensive” to just use r*pe imagery to make monsters scary. Rather than have  the monsters have that imagery cause Will created the monsters from his memory/imagination-and st is a story of Will healing from that trauma. SORRY- I disagree. Using the worst experiences of peoples’ lives (and triggering their trauma) for no real purpose- except to make their monsters scarier to the normal/general audience who haven’t gone through it so won’t be triggered like us - is MORE OFFENSIVE to victims! NOT LESS! At least to me.

Then there’s the people who say “c*a should never be talked about (in stories).” Which I disagree with. V*ctims have already been told by ab*ser’s  and enablers of the ab*ser- to never talk about what happened to us  . So it rubs A LOT of us the wrong way when people say this.  Because (subconscious or not) you remind some of us of the people who used to hurt/silence us. People say this -simply for their convenience (like ab*sers) and cause deep down they’re uncomfortable with our existence and equate the despicable act to us the innocent v*ctim ...or just want to deny the horrible reality of the situation (like many enablers who deny the truth and hurt us because they don’t want to accept reality) . And 1) It brings us back to a time where they told us to NEVER talk about it- and makes us feel like we did something wrong when we didn’t! 2) Every psych professional says with-holding/keeping the ab*se a secret is detrimental to our mental health.

Plus, there’s a HUGE difference between sugarcoating/minimizing trauma or WORSE glamorizing, condoning, or romanticizing C*A in stories (ex: pretty little liars) VS showing how the action is wrong, causes trauma, but showing recovery and happiness is still possible for v*ctims.  if the story shows how accurately traumatizing it is (instead of minimizing/glamorizing it)- it’s incredibly rare for that character to get a happy ending. Having a story about recovering from that type of trauma and finding happiness despite such hardships would be amazing for US survivors! We rarely get stories with a happy ending-  it’s more harmful to us survivors to never see ourselves get happy endings in tv/film/books. How can some survivors (in a dark place) think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel- if it’s never shown?Also if Will has DID too- it’s good mental health rep, along with queer rep (and survivor’s rep.) All 3 groups rarely are treated well or get happy endings in media. A lot of people may feel more heard, seen, and a bit more hopeful for the future - If Will (and other characters) get a happy ending.

And even though st has many themes- like say homophobia. To try and hand-wave all the disturbing  r*pe imagery away  as ‘Will is just gay so the monsters are like that”. IS SOOOOOO offensive. Trigger warning for examples. I’m sorry what part of Max saying when Billy had c*nsensual s*x it’s “good screams” but when possessed by the mf he causes Heather to do “bad screams” read as gay???! Having the possessed ch*ke/dr*g people before throwing them in trunks (like it’s implied Lonnie did to Will -since Jonathan checked Lonnie’s trunk for Will in s1)?Tying their arms and legs up/ g*ging  them and  getting on top of them and saying “stay VERY still it’ll all be over soon”-before a monster shoves it’s tentacle into someone’s mouth and inserts a goo - just gay??? Similar to the sentient vine/shadow monster forcing itself down Will’s throat. Let alone Will saying things like “he made me do it”, “i felt it everywhere”, or being tied to a bed and screaming “help! stop! it hurts! let me go!” While Jonathan is the only one who’s visibly triggered by this and has to literally turn away and hug someone . Or barb, billy, and El spiting up a white liquid from their mouth (similar to will spitting up a slug and lying to his mother about it ).El/billy touching a suspicious looking slime with their hand and looking at the substance confused . El drawing Papa with 3 legs (the middle one being shorter) ,  trying to undress in front of the boys , and Benny saying “I think she’s been ab*sed or something”.The theme of ab*sive dads- brenner , Lonnie, and Neil . Even when the demogorgan (called in d&d the “deep father”/ in the show “a man without a face”) attacked Barb it’s chopped up with scenes of Nancy having c*nsensual sex (the monsters are doing the opposite symbolically). There’s way more examples but NO- to try and hand wave /equate ALL OF THIS to just “gay imagery” or an “a*ds metaphor” is WAY more problematic. And just offensive (specifically to gay people) than just admitting what it may actually represent. R*pe imagery and gay imagery is NOT THE SAME THING!

Also ST has never been a kid show- maybe rewatch the show and see the rating of tv-14 . Goodness sake- s1 has a st*ged su*icde, k*dnappings, m*rder, discussions of physics, h*mophobia, and s*x (with stancy in s1 & jancy in s2-s3). S2/3 discuss at their finalies recovering from tra*ma . S2 had gra*ic de*ths,  a man causing a women br*in damage/ and faking her m*scarriage, and a gang of vigalantes k*lling criminals. s3 had critiques on capitalism /media/s*xism, many d*eaths, and questionable imagery like the prior seasons. The Duffers constantly reference  movies & events from the 80s (capitalizing on 80s nostalgia /subverting 80s motifs that middle age people  from that time remember)! Those people were their intended age demographic . Most 80s centric refs go over most kids’ heads (heck a lot went over my head too since I wasn’t alive in the 80s XD).The Duffers even said in the book “worlds turned upsidedown”  “it’s not a kid’s show despite having kids”. And maybe it’s a coincidence but when Lucas in s3 hands Will the “devil’s baby” firework (a hint about Lonnie) he says “18 and over only.” Which idk is a weird/random af line unless it’s foreshadowing that the show will get darker about various themes- and maybe even change ratings.

I get people wishing nothing bad ever happened to Will or Jonathan. And being apprehensive and not trusting the Duffers to do such a story justice (cause it’s difficult to do). But personally i trust them to do so tastefully with tact and not be exp*itative, (overly gr*fic) or offensive to v*ctims. You can disagree and think the show is about something else (or not trust the Duffers)- but it’d be great if people could stop using these other messed up talking points. While trying to appear ‘(fake) woke’ and like they care for victims- cause we see through it that you really don’t.

Have a lovely day anon ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Update- I just really agreed with and appreciate the tags in this reblog

[princessnijireiki]

the internet is crazy bc on the one hand, I can go from a conversation abt rice cookers on reddit to someone being like "all these people saying mother teresa was a fucking asshole sound like gossip. source???"

and while that sounds like it was in bad faith, they were just... young? like too young to remember how her being a bitch was all over the place in the early '00s bc the catholic church fast tracked her beatification partly to try & squeeze in more good press before john paul ii died, and MAJORLY as a smokescreen for the vast numbers of clergy sex abuse coverups coming to light. and when I provided a link they thanked me & we went on with our evenings!

but then I come on here and there's some little popular post about an ep of xena that had an hiv+ trans woman guest star, and yeah, the usual babygay revisionism of how progressive it was when in the 90s it was still a "man in a dress" concept, xena kissing this woman would specifically not have been seen as scandalous as a "real" lesbian kiss at the time bc this actress would have been seen as a man— we are talking about an episode contemporary with the seinfeld "crying game" episode, the xena ep probably wasn't as mean spirited, but let's be real— but what got ME was a reblog adding, "oh, and she was hiv+, back in the 90s when aids had a much greater social stigma."

and THAT was my "I'm too old for this shit" moment bc yeah, youthful ignorance, but "much greater social stigma" is such a bizarre understatement that I cannot be civil lmao...

"MUCH GREATER SOCIAL STIGMA" like it technically isn't WRONG but it's so NOT RIGHT I'd rather see young people genuinely mistaken & misled by conservative propaganda get enlightened than watch faux educated youths manage to sidestep the crushing physical realities of the aids crisis for anachronistic historically revisionist woke points that xena warrior princess doesn't need over "representation" that was horny bait & shock factor primetime bait & gag fodder at the same time, and which even with this specific newfound social media hype & tumblr spin STILL doesn't even pass a modern transmisogyny sniff test.

anyway. old man yelling at clouds or whatever. but goddamn this is how I know any fool on this website talking about gay elders or claiming to be one is full of horseshit, because some of y'all would rather be as loud and wrong as possible in defense of literal will & grace level COMEDY (which, yeah, edgy for the time! and has not aged well!), a gag with as much subtlety as a looney toons bugs bunny sketch, than to possibly acknowledge progress means we all have nostalgia for & cut our teeth on some gnarly retrograde shit, and that laughing at it or treating it fondly means you DO have more growing & learning to do, especially if you're ALSO gonna pull an inverse "that was fighting for gay rights and people were killed" stonewall comment on THE AIDS CRISIS like you're a fucking infant whose only familiarity with the era isn't even rent or angels in america or philadelphia, but literally ONLY ryan murphy media, and MAYBE alan ball & jk rowling's serophobic vampire/werewolf std allegories in fiction on top.

[lnkedmyheart]

Something I don't like about the people who criticize skam og is this. The criticism often comes in the case for Vilde's sexuality, Evak, and Sana and Isak's conversations.

Here's the deal, Vilde's whole fan made lesbian storyline was high key based on stereotypes. She doesn't actually show any evidence of being gay or wlw like Isak did from day 1. At best some of her interactions can be seen as bi-curious but she is pretty consistently into men. Eva is most definitely bi and yes something CAN be said about the easy sexualisation of women in general but that's because it's more normal (unfortunately) like lingering shots on girl's asses and shit.

The Evak situation. Well, just because these guys are white men doesn't reduce the fact that they are gay. Hi, white gay men also have problems. There is nothing wrong with Skam having white gay men, it's not an attack on your identity and it's not them being white supremacists. Also the show itself handled their story with a lot of respect (more than straight pairs even) it's only the rabid side of the fanbase that went too far but that's everywhere. Also I saw someone say they were horrified that Even was presented as a good guy and not some awful human being because of his mental disorder which triggered their trauma with a bipolar abusive bf so I guess we should just demonise this kid with a mental illness. Like buddy, if one guy was a jackass to you and used his mental health issues as an excuse it doesn't mean all bipolar people deserve to be demonized. You aren't wrong for having trauma but you are a bitch if you think people with bipolar disorder should never be depicted getting a happy ending. Get some therapy for that bitchy behaviour and grow the fuck up.

Lastly, the Sana situation. As a queer, poc I actually agree with white boy Isak on what he told Sana. Asking questions is important. But any sane person knows that doesn't mean actual racists mocking you. Seriously, not once did Isak mock her Or question her experiences, he simply told her to stop looking for racism in every little interaction. It's heights of gaslighting if you're sitting there waiting for someone to make a comment that sounds vaguely like a remark that could have racist undertones under a microscope. Context matters. Most people of a different race will ask you about things because we only have the internet. Half of my culture is presented in the most skewed and ridiculous manner possible online. It's detached and covered in tons of commentary by both people who want to pedestalize and demonize my culture. You don't know if everything online is a fact. So yes, I would much rather someone come up to me and ask about the various things about my culture and know how to respect it. Even if they keep doing so again and again. And I'm not stupid so as to not know when someone is being a racist dick vs when someone has a genuine question. I don't need to sit there on my high horse getting livid about people not knowing about my religion and presenting myself as a cynical twat to others when racists are out there to do just that. And if some jackass does come up to me to mock me I have enough brains to know that I'm being mocked. And how the hell are non racist people supposed to know what is and isn't acceptable unless they know what they need to know through someone who lives that life.

Stereotypes don't make a lesbian, white gay men doesn't equal racism and white supremacy, and most importantly ignorance isn't racism. And y'all keep insisting "go educate yourself" but are such lazy fucks that you don't even wanna inform them about the reality and instead tell them "google exists" Like google isn't a fuck ton of garbage that works on which site pays the most amount of money and survive solely on misinformation and spice factor. Half the racist bs people spout is shit they've seen on the internet.

[bi-rising]

i'm the attraction anon! as ever your answers are a fountain of knowledge to my ignorant ass lol. i do see your point about how attraction may be different for every person, so thanks for that!

i'm not a native english speaker tho so when i try to make my asks as short as possible not to bore people, the meaning of what i wanted to say in the first place changes. i did not mean to imply that lesbians (it was an example, they could be replaced with gays or straights tbh) don't ever have relationships with trans women!! i forgot the word "passing" exists so when i said female bodies, i meant to say a pre-op trans woman who doesn't pass and therefore has a masculine body, which i assumed lesbians wouldn't normally be attracted to (there are trans ppl who manage to look androgynous or like the sex they're aiming to transition to before they do, i mean those who don't—i said it sounded harsh at the end bc it's not something that i say lightly, without knowing how fucked up of a reality it is for trans ppl).

i know there are ppl who can't transition and that there's nothing wrong with that! i'm bi so to me it doesn't really matter, but i was trying to put myself in the shoes of a monosexual person. for example, imagine ariana grande happens to be a trans man. he can't transition bc he's not out, or for whatever reason that is ofc valid, so he has a female body/sex (i mean there's no other word for it, right? femenine? breasts, curves, long hair, etc). would a gay man or a straight woman be attracted to him when he fully looks like a woman? that's the kind of situation i meant. bc of what you told me, now i understand that there are people who don't mind the sex as long as the gender is the one they're attracted to (and that yes, it's wrong to bar pre-transition ppl from relationships), but i meant attraction at first sight, like being attracted to someone you see walking on the street. also, when you say genitals are the core of my point, yes, but i meant to say (again, my bad) that biological sex has a lot to do with attraction because consequences of one sex or the other (secondary sex characteristics) are related to masculinity and femeninity, but i guess that falls more on the preferences side? rather than actual sexuality... idk.

also, sorry that there are people shitting on you for your answer, to put you in such a position was not my intention at all!!

hello!! thank you so much for clarifying, like i said in the post, i wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, and i'm very glad that i was right in that!! and it's totally okay that you're not a native speaker, i think we just had a little bit of a misunderstanding between that and my adhd adskjfalsdkf oops

but yes!! going off of passing, then yes, i agree with you! if a person is not passing as their gender, then it's totally understandable for a monosexual person to not be attracted to them. i had misunderstood, and thought you were mainly talking about genitals and not passing/social transitioning! it's completely understandable for a monosexual person to not be attracted to someone who doesn't pass. which is tough for trans people, absolutely, and is one of the reasons why things like depression rates in trans people is so high.

anyway, yes, with your clarification, i agree with you! and as for the asshole in my notes, that was totally not your fault. idk why she even came for me; i've never seen her blog in my life, and it seemed like she was just going around looking to cause problems, based on the highly transphobic and biphobic things on her blog. it absolutely had nothing to do with you, so don't feel guilty about it, she was just looking to start a fight with someone and decided i'd unfortunately be her target adkaldskfasdf

[woman-loving]

@eiriee replied to your post “@butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker replied to your post “I hate to say it, but...”

Do you have any posts on your thoughts regarding Bi: Notes? It's been on my shelf for years & I've read some of it but not finished.

I do, but they’re older and mostly rambling. The trouble I have with the book is that there’s so much content and framing that I disagree with that it’s hard to hold it all in my head and draw out a structured criticism for it. It’s been quite a while since I looked through it, but here are a couple of things I discussed in my older posts.

So, you know how some people will say that hostility toward women-loving women or woman-woman couples that’s expressed in the language of “lesbians” or “dykes” isn’t really about bi women? Eisner pulls a similar move to put bi women and biphobia at the center of harassment against WLW. They have a section on Sexual Violence in Chapter Four where they talk about men pressuring bi women (and also lesbians) to engage in threesomes or “perform bisexuality” by making out with other women. They then say (bolding mine):

At this point, some of you might be wondering why I consider these types of violence against bisexual women [men harassing women who make out in public, men asking if “they can watch,” etc] as biphobic rather than lesbophobic, since lesbians are often harassed in very similar ways to the ones I described. This is biphobia, however, rather than lesbophobia because this type of harassment is based on biphobic beliefs and perceptions even when they are aimed against lesbians. As explained throughout this chapter, the logic of this type of sexual violence is that bisexual women are “actually straight,” or only performing their bisexuality for male pleasure. When lesbians are harassed in the same way, they are first presumed to be bisexual, and then attached with the same biphobic notions used against bi women. What happens here is a combination of lesbophobia and biphobia: Lesbians first have their lesbian identity erased, and then are presumed to be “actually straight” as a result of being presumed as bisexual. Thus, biphobia constitutes the center here, and remains biphobia even when it is aimed at lesbians.

What we can see here is that this type of biphobia not only harms bisexual women, but also monosexual women, as it is also aimed against them. As explained above, lesbians often receive the same type of harassment as bisexual women when being affectionate or sexual in public. Heterosexual women are often also subject to pressure by strait men to perform bisexuality (privately or publicly) for their pleasure. In many communities (especially ones that consider themselves "alternative," "open," or "liberal"), performative bisexuality might be a standard that all women must meet. This means that in those communities, women are expected and pressured into being sexual with other women for the satisfaction of straight men. Although this mostly harms bisexual women (who are presumed to want this simply because they identify as bisexual), it also works against monosexual women.

What all of this means is that biphobia against women is not only the concern of bisexual women, but of all women regardless of their sexuality identity. [...]

This differs from the “misdirected lesbophobia” discourse, because they’re arguing that all women can be negatively affected by biphobia, and present this as a reason that people should take biphobia seriously. The people who argue that expressions of lesbophobia toward bi women are just “misdirected” are more often emphasizing a disconnect between the effect it has on bi women versus lesbians, and want to see this hostility as “really” only about lesbians (so that “dyke” as a politicized identity is the cultural property of lesbians exclusively). So Eisner’s not being as stingy with the centrality they claim for bisexual subjects in this type of harassment, but it’s still a shit move and denies a lot of ground to what can be considered “about” lesbians.

Ironically, I think Eisner and the “misdirected lesbophobia” camp talk about lesbophobia in a similar way, where the subject of “lesbophobia” must be understood--even by homophobes--as a woman who is exclusively attracted to women. The “misdirected lesbophobia” camp say that “a woman who is exclusively attracted to women” is what’s really on the homophobe’s mind when he calls a woman “dyke,” and therefore the insult can’t be about bi women, while Eisner presumes that a man harassing a woman to perform for him must believe that she’s genuinely open to men and therefore cannot really see her as a lesbian.

I think both sides misunderstand the slippages that occur when people see expressions of woman-women eroticism. I would argue that homophobia against women (which I would just call lesbophobia) often involves a denial that woman-woman eroticism is real/final, and that any women should be permitted to have sexual relations and identifications outside of particular heterosexualities. In other words, it’s possible for someone to know that there are women in the world who call themselves “lesbians” and claim to only like women, and to believe that this phenomenon is bad, without believing that “women who only like women” actually exist. If such a person argues that “lesbians” are just women who can’t get a man (an argument which presumes they want men), this is still a message about what self-identified “lesbians” are like, even though it totally dismisses their own understanding of their lesbianism. But going further, this message isn’t just “about” self-identified lesbians either, because it’s implicitly a message about all woman-woman eroticism and identifications, including bi women’s identity and desire toward women. Arguably, it’s even about women more broadly, in that it suggests that getting a man is a central preoccupation for women, and that perceived rebellious from women can be dismissed as a petulant reaction to failure in this area, rather than a reflection of agency and goals beyond patriarchal expectations.

In any case, it’s inaccurate to claim that this kind of harassment can’t really be “about” lesbians. Eisner’s logic isn’t consistent here, as you’ll notice. If a lesbian is treated as though she were open to men, they reason that actions toward her are reflective of attitudes about bi women specifically, not lesbians. But when a bi woman is treated as though she were “actually straight,” they don’t conclude that actions toward her must reflect attitudes toward straight women, not bi women or lesbians. There also isn’t an option for lesbians to be directly perceived as “actually straight,” even though this isn’t uncommon. Any suggestion that a lesbian might be open to men automatically moves the topic to bi women, meaning that there’s a whole huge area of lesbophobia that fundamentally has nothing to do with lesbians. (I think this move is cruel and outrageous, even if it’s a reversal of a move often used against bi women.) I also think they make the mistake of presuming that men only pressure women whom they think will be open to their advances. While the idea that women might eventually “like it” can be used as rationalization for this behavior, I think the behavior is rooted more in a simple lack of concern for women’s interests and boundaries, when men expect that they can get away with ignoring these.

Eisner makes similar moves in other places. Here they are talking about “lesbian” porn:

Following all of this, I think it would be more accurate to discuss “lesbian” porn in terms of bisexuality. If we follow from the sexual acts performed by the women appearing in these types of scenes, it would be very hard not to notice that bisexuality is here at work. The women in scenes titled lesbian have sex with each other, as well as with men. Even in scenes where no man is present at all, the logic behind the activity is still bisexual, since the women are perceived to be performing for a cis straight male audience.

These representations of bisexuality, in turn, contribute to the cultural construction of female bisexuality as we've seen it in the media depictions above. The media take up on the pornographic logic of bisexuality and send the same messages, but in covert ways. Thus, looking into pornographic representations of bisexual women might help us shed light on social and cultural treatment of female bisexuality in general.

Instead of recognizing the possibility for slippages in meaning, or that there can be inaccurate messages about lesbians as well as bi women (e.g. lesbian sexuality can also be regarded as a performance for men), Eisner finds in these representations an essential and exclusive bisexuality. Now, I do think that media representations of “lesbians” also inform attitudes toward bi women, that looking at them can be useful, and that representations of “lesbians” can simultaneously be representations of bisexuality. But I think it’s a silly exercise to claim that “lesbian” porn is only depicting bisexuality, as if the (fictionalized) dynamics depicted in media have their own independent and singular reality which can be empirically determined. Just a couple paragraphs above this, they obverse that “[t]he women's sexuality is irrelevant since the definitions are not about them but about the men fucking or watching them.” They should have gone a little bit farther with this idea, in my opinion!

While there are times when it makes sense, I think there can also be a danger in treating bisexuality as a singular expression, encompassing same-gender and man-woman relations, when these relations have very different positions in society. I think Eisner tends to treat bisexuality as a singular, marginalized expression that needs protection, including from gay people, in a way that can end up aligning with heterosexism. I don’t remember if this idea featured in their book, but they once made a post saying:

All gay and lesbian readings of mainstream movies and TV are based in bisexual erasure. Because in order to read characters as gay or lesbian, it is necessary to erase the character’s different-gender attraction and relationships.

It’s telling that they’re talking about “characters” having different-gender attraction, because of course these sexually-unmarked, mainstream “characters” are actually imagined, depicted, and normally received as straight. Eisner is again employing some weird media analysis where characters, even across individual imaginings (i.e. from the original creator’s depiction to a fan depiction), seem to have an independent reality. So interest in man-woman relations is an essential part of the character, always. Then, when you want to imagine that the character is interested is same-gender relations, you can only add that as an additional fact, thus making the character bisexual. And then, by becoming part of a (hypothetical) singular bisexual expression which is uniformly marginalized, canon man-woman relations now need protection against gay readings that would “erase” them. Even though these are actually straight characters in heteronormative media. The end result is that we’re meant to always uphold man-women relations as integral to a character’s (or anyone’s?) sexuality and identity.

In general, my impression when reading the book was that Eisner solely wants to look at identity or group belonging as the site of oppression, and doesn’t want to give any attention to the ways that man-woman relations themselves may be relatively valued, legitimized, and enforced over same-gender relations. I can understand the reluctance to look at those processes, since bi people’s potential engagement in man-woman arrangements is often used to deny their sexualities and the possibility that they could face any problems, or even an intensification of problems in some areas over lesbians or gay men. But these processes are still an important part of patriarchal gender systems, and need to be part of the analysis. I don’t have a good quote for it, but this one might suggest a bit of that line of thought: 

The idea of passing as an act of disguise presumes an essence of identity. Without a "true core," a disguise becomes impossible, for the very meaning of disguise comes from the discrepancy between what one "is" and what one is "seen" and "understood" to be. However, instead of being an essentialist notion, passing can subvert these presumptions by showing, in practice, that appearances--including one's very body--are no guarantee for the "truth" of one's identity. From this point of view, passing becomes particularly useful in demonstrating the way in which all identities and appearances are socially constructed, the way identities are written into our very bodies, and the enormous fragility of these constructs themselves.

In the case of bisexuality, we might look at society's insistent attempts to naturalize both homosexuality and heterosexuality, appealing to bodies, genes, hormones, and brains in order to establish that "this" (the sexuality in question) is inborn, natural, and immutable. Under this logic, one is either "born" gay or "born" straight, and thus any performance of their desires is "true to its nature." Being in a same-gender relationship presumes homosexuality, and being in a different-gender relationship presumes heterosexuality, because one's relationship choices are understood to reflect one's inner essence. Bisexuality— and bisexual passing—short-circuits this circular logic by showing that “acting gay” or “acting straight” does not necessarily equate with “being gay” or “being straight.” It allows us to distrust visual presentations and to deconstruct claims of inner essences. In this way, bisexuality may again be one way out of rigid identity constructs, a way of resisting both the lines of separation imposed by them and the hierarchies built upon them.

That’s nice, but you actually don’t need to imagine that same-gender acts stem from a different innate character in order to condemn them, or to institutionalize heterosexuality to the detriment of other pursuits. You don’t need naturalized concepts of essential heterosexuality and homosexuality in order to have a “hierarchy” among social arrangements and practices. In fact, ambiguity between subjects and the inability to finally “prove” that a person is one way or another can actually be beneficial to oppressive systems. When there’s ambiguity, more people can come under scrutiny and face demands to continuously prove themselves by conforming to gendered expectations or distancing themselves from marginalized subjects and practices.

That goes back to my original complaint that bi theorists focus too much on minority sexual discourses. Man-woman sexual relations and kinship can be institutionalized (while same-gender ones are stigmatized or denied) without any reference to “heterosexuality” as one of multiple sexual orientations. It does NOT need a corresponding “homosexuality.” The “gay-straight binary” is not a crucial linchpin within systems of gender. These discourses on sexual orientation do exist and do have more institutionalized backing now, so that more people are now forced to engage with them at some points. But I still don’t see them as really universal or fundamental to gender/patriarchy overall. I think the exclusive focus on discourses of “sexual orientation” leads to distorted analysis, because there’s just more going on in society.

There were just so many things they said that I objected to, and I really just don’t agree with their whole approach.

Although, I was originally complaining about another paper I was reading, which seems to be a Master’s thesis (although that’s hard to believe, because it’s so bad). It’s “The Bisexual To Be Corrected: Interrogating The Threat And Recuperation Of Women's Femme Bisexuality,” which can be found here. This was one part that I thought was especially... lackluster:

As several women I interviewed point out, heteropatriarchy needs people to be monosexual, or attracted to only one gender, in order to neatly hierarchize. It is rather difficult to maintain the disenfranchisement of a group if that group is incoherent, with its members presenting in different ways that shift, slip, and take on a variety of meanings. The notion that women can be attracted to men, women, and other genders simultaneously is a threat, because it points to the fact that perhaps masculinity and femininity, men and women, are not such polar opposites at all... and if men are not the powerful, aggressive, dominant opposites of women, why should they be at the top of the hierarchy? If masculinity is not the opposite of femininity, then perhaps all men are more intimately related to femininity than they would like to think. This line of thought destabilizes the patriarchal order, so monosexism and biphobia punish bisexuals for their attraction to multiple genders—and more specifically, for destabilizing the gender binary. Bisexuality must be erased, invisible, and invalid because it threatens core values of patriarchy that organize and define our culture. [...]

Again, this relies heavily on the idea that clarity between groups is necessary for hierarchy, and that ambiguity is automatically destabilizing rather than beneficial. (Like, not only does ambiguity extend the circulation of the power-effects of these discourses among more subjects, as Storr would say, but it also provides a measure of flexibility to the system: if you can’t condemn and/or recuperate something using one approach, you can try a contradictory approach.) Even beyond that, the idea that you need “facts” and “consistency” in your oppressive ideology is obviously baseless. The author’s understanding of heteropatriarchy is again focused only on categories of people, even though behavior itself can be regulated (and categorized), and everybody’s behavior is subject to regulation within systems of gender. While I think that gender dualism is very relevant to how bisexuality is understood, my thinking is more that bisexuality won’t be a non-issue until gender dualism is undermined, and less that the very existence of bisexuals inevitably results in the undermining of gender dualism. This paper also seems guided by the goal of uncovering intrinsic and maybe unilateral subversiveness in certain groups of people, and I’ve grown kinda w(e)ary of that.

[angeltannis]

lighthearted Tannith headcanons

(Wow, guess I had more to say about these two than I thought 😅)

Once upon a time Lilith thought she was gonna have a pretty standard life, probably marrying Roland and maybe having a kid or two eventually. Then a meteor of chaotic gay energy and absurd scientific inquiry came and blew a giant fucking hole in the middle of her life. Oops

Some of their friends were surprised; their close friends weren’t. Most don’t really get how it happened or what the heck Lilith sees in this dork ass scientist. Even Tannis herself is shocked to discover her feelings are reciprocated. Sometimes she still wonders if she’s somehow conjured a lesbian tulpa that takes the form of Lilith, or if she’s simply gone fully mad and is living entirely in her own reality by this point

But no, it’s real. In a world of traitors and deceivers, Lilith loves and appreciates Tannis’ (eventual) genuineness and honesty, even if it can be a bit brutal at times. And the way she lights up when talking about her special interests or observing something novel and intriguing is too endearing not to fall in love with. 

—

-Tannis is one of those people who sets an alarm 7 days a week to get up at 5am. Lilith has never been seen before 10am.

-Tannis sleepwalks (I mean, this is canon according to BL1). So it’s not uncommon for Lilith to be woken in the night as her girlfriend gets up and confidently strolls out the door mumbling about Eridium or something. At first Lilith tries to get her, but eventually just gives up, because she always comes back and god damn it, it’s too late/early to go chasing after her ass.

-Eventually Lilith buys her a nightshirt that says “if sleepwalking, return to Lilith”

-On nights she doesn’t go missing, Tannis likes to wake Lilith up in the middle of the night with absurd theories and questions.

Tannis: Lilith, are you awake?

Lilith: Am now...

Tannis: Lilith, why does shampoo open at the top but conditioner opens at the bottom? I must know immediately.

Lilith: *rolls over, bleary-eyed, to see the clock displaying 2:54am*

-Tannis writes full paragraphs in text. Lilith is one of those people who only responds with “ok” “Lol”’, etc. (It’s nothing personal, Lil’s just all business and always has a million other things going on at once)

-That said, Lilith likes emojis. Tannis doesn’t quite grasp the concept of them until she realizes they’re essentially modern-day glyphs. From that moment on, she’s a devout emoji connesieur.

Tannis, shoving her ECHO in Lilith’s face: I received a fascinatingly incomprehensible string of Emojis from Moxxi earlier. I can’t wait to sit down and begin deciphering them!

the text: 💋🔥🍑💦👙😈

Lilith: Uh, yeah. You get on that, babe.

-It’s difficult for Lilith to get used to calling Tannis “Patty”. She has a mild dilemma because Is it weird to call your girlfriend exclusively by her last name?? Tannis is fine with either, so Lilith continues to call her Tannis and ignores how weird the whole things seems 🤷‍♀️

-Tannis can talk for hours upon hours about her hyperfixations. Lilith listens with a little smile, occasionally reaching out to play with a bit of Tannis’ hair or trace the lines of her tattoos with a fingertip.

-These are some of the longest “conversations” Tannis has ever had with anyone. She surprises even herself with her enthusiasm for such interaction, and near-total lack of vomiting.

-Lilith’s become so numbed to Tannis’ nutty life that literally nothing fazes her after a while. “Is it true Dr. Tannis has never eaten toast?” someone asks. “Yeah, probably,” Lilith replies

-Sometimes Lil thinks back to how this whole thing only started because she accepted a weird quest on a bounty board to go find some lady’s hidden ECHO logs

-Lilith gives Tannis flowers one day - no occasion, just something she wanted to do. Tannis just stares at them, uncertain as to why in the world Lilith just ripped a bunch of plants out of the ground and is now handing them to her. Thanking Lilith unsurely, she leans in and takes a bite of one of the leaves. “Mm, delicious,” she says, trying to spare Lilith’s feelings

-You know that thing where, after you’re together for a while, sometimes you start picking up the other person’s manner of speech? One day Lilith is talking to Mordecai when he smirks and says “You been reading the dictionary or something?”

Lilith: Mordecai called me a nerd earlier.

Brick: Yeah? So?

Lilith: I’m not a nerd. That’s...

Brick: *waiting with a knowing look*

Lilith, in a small voice: ...preposterous.

Brick: 🙃

-“10 Fun, Exciting, And Potentially Medically Significant Things You Discover While Using A Sex Toy With Your Girlfriend Who Can Control Machines With Her Mind”

-Lilith knows her life has spiraled out of control when she finds herself feeling slightly envious toward Tannis’ various inanimate ex-lovers. Tannis assures her any continued relationship with them is strictly professional. Lilith spends an entire night drinking at the bar, wondering how her life came the point that she’s jealous of a chair.

-At one point, Lilith stumbles across one of many of Tannis’ ECHO logs scattered madly about. She decides to be nosy and listen in. It’s mostly the same old stuff about her Eridian research progress, but - as is Tannis’ way, thrown casually into the middle of the log - Tannis states that her research has been slowed by the intrusion of romance into her life. “I find I’m not minding this as much as I probably should.” At the end of the log, she says, “My motivation has always been advancing the universe’s body of collective knowledge. But perhaps there’s room in a researcher’s life for two dreams.”

Lilith holds on to the log.

-Lilith is the kind of person who can and will eat anything, and has a ridiculously high tolerance for spicy foods. Tannis’ most daring food outing was the time she tried yogurt with fruit on the bottom (and absolutely hated it)

-Regardless, Tannis attempts cooking for the two of them (“Cooking is rather scientific, isn’t it? It’s all about mixing the proper ingredients and preparing them just the right way to achieve the desired result. How hard can it be?”). It ends up like this:

-It’s tough for Lilith to let anyone in, especially after what happened with Roland. Tannis doesn’t ask difficult emotional questions and doesn’t take it personally when Lilith doesn’t want to talk feelings - Tannis actually prefers talking about things other than emotions, since that’s when her low empathy tends to hurt people the most.

Funny enough, that ability to avoid tough subjects is what allows Lilith to fall for her in the first place.

As time goes on, very, veeery slowly, they start to broach deeper topics with each other. It’s basically like pulling teeth on both sides on the conversation. But then, one day, without either of them consciously realizing when exactly it happened, Lilith finds she’s comfortable enough to let out a few tears in front of the other woman - and Tannis realizes that seeing Lilith hurting conjures a feeling in her gut like she’s never experienced before. She’s painfully unused to hugging, but when Tannis wraps her arms around Lilith and sees Lilith’s tears ease up, she suddenly understands why people engage in such acts.

-the first time Lilith says “I love you”, she immediately lunges for the tissues. But it’s too late. Thankfully they’ve both gotten pretty good at washing blood stains out of their clothes.

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

[comeoncomeout41]

i haven’t been super active on here. a few months ago I completely stopped looking at anti-sc posts because it’s too mentally exhausting. and it’s much more enjoyable to focus on my ship with my very little free time versus caring what a handful of angry people have to say. fandom should be a safe space, a place to connect with other people who like the thing you like! (and in some cases call out the things you don’t)

there’s so much hate out there for sc, it’s much easier to ignore them than it is to argue with a brick wall but all of that being said..

i realize i have been just as angry and spiteful over fictional shit in the past and my behavior has been toxic at times. and i apologize for not handling my emotions and my criticisms in a more constructive way and stooping to that same level of immature behavior.

i want to be clear when i say all of that above, i fully believe while fiction is a place for us to escape reality, a lot of what we see in fiction perpetrates the society we build for ourselves. so yeah, it makes me angry to see marginalized people constantly berated online for demanding better representation in media. it makes me spiteful to see straight relationships forced on television just because they are straight while simultaneously being told “female friendships are important too!” whenever we dare to ask for a lesbian/bisexual lead who also happens to be an iconic comic superhero with decades of history which would be monumentally MORE important representation for gay women. but that doesn’t absolve me from any guilt over things i’ve posted that were in poor taste and i’m going to do better at being a voice of reason, rather than lashing out in anger.

[luvuwite]

.. all of them?

i’m gonna shit myself

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

only super close people know my middle name, and if you know it then i trust you with my life

tbh i love my middle name, its just really special to me ;;

2. are you artistic?

i draw!!

3. Have you had your first kiss?

i still have virgin lips

only people i kiss are my mom sister and dad

4. What is your life goal?

to make a video game about my ocs!!

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

i do not

6. Do you play any sports?

not yet

7. What’s your worst fear?

abandonment without explanation 

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

my friends.....my homies.....my family.... they all inspire me

9. Do you have any cool talents?

i can DRAW!!!

10. are you a morning person?

oh god no i hate mornings

11. How do you feel about pet names?

well what else are you gonna name it

12. Do you like to read?

not really;; i’m not really a book person

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

my little pony

spongebob squarepants

steven universe 

powerpuff girls 

the owl house @sugarbreadz

most likely more

14. Do you care about your follower count?

nope!! i’m just glad to reblog stuff i like

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

i had this dream where i could fly and it was really nice,,

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

never kissed someone

17. Do you have any pets?

my sister

18. Are you religious?

nop

19. Are you a people person?

i don’t like being alone but i don’t like being in big crowds of people

20. Are you considered popular?

not that i would think so?

21. What is one of your bad habits?

nail biting, hair pulling, lip biting

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?

would rather not say

23. What would you name your children?

liam for boye, and penny for gal,,//

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

i do not have one

25. What’s your best subject?

math!!! mATHHHHH

26. Dogs or cats?

CATSSS KITTTYSSS

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

instagram thanks to q

28. best friends name?

@duckstrashcan, @sugarbreadz, @flash-darlinq, @reinhardtist, @sugarsprinkles14, @pastyl-pearldrop, @oni-darling

29. who does your main family consist of?

small

30. Chocolate or sugar?

CHOOOOOCOLAAAAATE

31. have you ever been on a date?

nope !!

other than a joke date from @sugarbreadz

32. Do you like roller coasters?

YES VERY MUCH

33. Can you swim?

yes!! i love swimming

34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?

if i’m starting to die, make my death quick and painless pls

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder?

i don’t think i have a mental disorder?

36. Are your parents together?

yes 

37. What’s your favorite color?

PURPLEE

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

Massachusetts 

39. Favorite singer?

the neighborhood

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

not really

41. Do you like dresses?

,,mayb//

42. Favorite song right now?

SWEATER WEATHERRR

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

makes me flustered

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

12

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

nop

46. Have you ever done yoga?

in 8th grade

47. Are you a horror girl?

not really? what

48. Are you good at giving advice?

people say i am so yes i thiNK

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

i climbed trees a lot and my parents always thought i was missing

50. How are you doing today?

better than yesterday!! and progress is progress

51. Were you a cute kid?

i was squishy and small

52. Can you dance?

no but,, i wanna learn how to,,

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

sometimes i say things that i’ll forget hours later

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

yes!! i dyed it black once in-

,,

@flash-darlinq :)

55. What color are your eyes?

green.....green

56. What’s your favorite animal?

penguin son quvuqite

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

oh yeah

many times

and i regret every single one

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

i would say so

59. Do you have good friends?

i would say so, i love my friends!!

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

me and all my friends are gay

61. What’s your favorite class?

MATTHHHHHH

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

waits for the next hilda series this fall

63. Are you organized?

yes

yes.

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

the nightmare before christmas 

10/10

65. Which tv character do you relate to most?

uhhh amity because gay lesbian falling for oblivious idiot

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

my motivation and numbness

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

draw because draw

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

treat it the same, except now i don’t have to feel pressured to rush anything

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

uhh be more truthful TBH

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

treat situation differently, and stop being an idiot over somethings i really wish i could’ve changed

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

yes

74. When was the last time you traveled somewhere new?

uhhhhhh years ago

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

something/somewhere warm and comforting and safe

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

i can’t really do anything about it right nOW so i’m just waiting for highschool to be over to go to college

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

game developer

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

nothing? i’m doing fine right now

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

over something that anger my younger self

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.

overstressing about reality and not understanding things i should already know

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

bruh i be studying but look at me now HAHIUWEHRQWI

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

draw

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

on friends and for me clothes and sweaters and food haoipwjrwqWQHIERQWEJI

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

past

85. What motivates you to succeed?

people i love around me

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

bro i dunno

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

somewhere outside the city but not super far away

88. Do you believe in life after death?

uhhh i’m so-so about it

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

my english teacher since he has taught me many valuable life lessons

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

to be honest i actually don’t know

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

looking away

anyways

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

,,,,,LOOKING AWAY

ANYWAYS.//

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

don’t waste your tears on something you know is fake

94. What do you think happens after we die?

we die

the end

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

STEAL MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

uhhhhhh i’ll pass on this one

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

wtf no 

surprise me hoe

98. How did your first crush develop?

haha

anyways

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

haHA 

anyways.

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

if i’m being honest

i’m just another face/background character in the crowd

someone that you’d basically drop in no time if you had the chance to pick someone else to be with

[rylredrants]

Pandemic, Politics & Personal Life

I just broke up with my best friend of 5 years. 

She supported me through three major breakups in less than a year, showed up for moves, meltdowns, and meals. We treated each other as sisters, and to me it meant “I love you even when I don’t like you.” There are things about her life and beliefs that I just flat out don’t like, but I compromised and allowed room in my life for those differences.

She is a devout Christian. I’m a card-carrying member of The Satanic Temple. She is married to a border patrol agent, and has repeatedly said that having children separated from their parents at the border is a consequence of their actions. I’m horrified that there are children in literal chain link cages being neglected, assaulted, and traumatized in a way that is simply unthinkable. She reminds me that Obama built the cages.

When her step-child came out as non-binary, she had a meltdown over the fact that she had always wanted a daughter and now the kid is asking to be called by a masculine name. I’ve worked with PFLAG (Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays, the local LGBTQ+ support network) and done education about gender, sexual orientation, and alternative relationship structures where I emphasize the privilege I have as a cis, straight woman (who personally embraces traditional gender roles).

I compromised and allowed room in my life for some pretty big ideological differences. But this year has changed everything.

When the pandemic began, I was living alone for the first time ever. Her home was my home. I cooked in her kitchen, co-hosted her gatherings, brought my laundry to her house rather than use the machines in my apartment complex. I fed her cat when she was on vacation. I had the code for her front door, and at times “shopped” from her stockpile in between shopping trips. We went grocery shopping together the last 2 times I was in a grocery store.

Her husband crossed a line with me after I allowed a loosened boundary in our relationship, and I did my best to not take it out on her. But when we planned ‘girl’s night’ and he decided to call out of work and be at home I hated being there. It became a problem but being me, I felt it better to sidestep things than be direct because I knew that the damage would be irreparable and I didn’t want to end our relationship. I was compromising my own comfort in an attempt to keep the peace.

When she got a head cold and cancelled a laundry and Masked Singer night, I felt abandoned. But I knew it wasn’t personal and I just let it go. When I came over and found one of her husband’s other partner at their house, I felt like my quarantine bubble had been invaded and there were suddenly more risks than I was okay with. 

She replied by trying to rationalize things like who that outside partner was in contact with, but I stopped feeling safe there. I felt like I’d lost my second home. But I didn’t speak up.

She had to go back to work (in retail) but she insisted that she always wore her mask everywhere because she knew how I felt about it. Then she told me that she had plans to go to a local Republican meeting of some kind. She’s always known my view on the politics thing, and this year the Republican Party has proven to be the bigger of two evils by miles. 

She said, “Please don’t disown me” knowing that the political thing may be big enough to possibly disown her.  

I relayed the story to my ex-husband. They used to hang out and go to movies together, but he always knew about the differences in our home and hers. He felt the same as I did about things. A little while later, he shared a picture from the Republican event and there she was naked faced in a small room full of senior citizens. He was horrified. 

I was that much more certain I’d made the right choice in not socializing with her in person.

One day, after a couple months without hanging out she messaged me saying that local COVID numbers were down so “Can we be friends again?” 

But that’s not how this works. Local numbers go down, people stop being diligent and then numbers go up again. It’s exactly what’s happened all over the country this fall. I was not going to be one of those people, but I agreed to do the video chat thing.

Her birthday rolled around and she messaged me upset because her husband had gotten the wrong kind of cake. My immediate reaction was to check my pantry for cake supplies and make plans to bake her a better cake and drop it on her porch the next day. 

We set up a time to have a video chat the next morning… much earlier than I’m typically up and coherent but she’s an early bird in general and I was making brunch for my boyfriend and his son later that morning. I got up and sat at my desk for over an hour with my messages unread. She finally messaged me about how sideways her morning had gone and I did my best to not take it personally. I didn’t bake that cake.

I went to Mexico for my birthday in October. It was the first time I’d been anywhere since the pandemic began. The first time I’d been to Mexico, first time I met my boyfriend’s mom, and the first time I ate in a restaurant in months.

In Mexico, people were wearing masks everywhere. They had footbaths in every doorway where someone took your temperature and squirted sanitizer into your hand before you crossed the threshold. I felt safer in Mexico, terms of COVID exposure, than I felt anywhere at home.

The day after I got back, she video called me in hysterics. She sobbed that I’d gone to “dirty, nasty Mexico” but wouldn’t have coffee with her after she’d “begged” me for months. She went on about how low the local COVID numbers were as a way of saying that I was being overly cautious by staying home like I’ve been. 

She was in a hotel room at the time. 

She and her husband were on an anniversary trip to Las Vegas, having flown threw Phoenix. They were about to head out to a cigar bar. But the local numbers! Seriously.

Today I got the message asking if we were still best friends. I softballed a lot of it, but it ended with her saying “whatever” and that she wouldn’t take responsibility for my choice to abandon her without telling her how I’d felt. And she unfriended me on Facebook.

Part of me feels really shitty. I’ve been processing this feeling of grief and loss of that relationship for months. It’s been exhausting. But if I’m being honest, it’s a bit of relief that it’s over.

I’ve been questioning if I was justified in my stance. 

Were these differences so big that they couldn’t be ignored anymore? Am I over-reacting and cutting one of the last people in my life out that I called my family? Or have I just gotten to the point of exhaustion where I simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth to keep overlooking and compromising my own beliefs?

It feels like the latter and as much as it hurts, I know that’s been one of the tales of 2020 that’s being repeated over and over again. The stakes have gotten too high to compromise or minimize some things. 

It’s all too serious to just live life like there’s not a deadly pandemic. Like there hasn’t been a total upheaval of our political system. Like those of us who stay home and mask up when we don’t have a choice, forgoing all the things that were “normal life” like anniversary trips, restaurants, community theater… all things she’s been doing, unmasked and unaffected all year.. we are the ones that are over-reacting. Nope. I’m not going to be gaslit like that. 

Wear a damn mask, people!

Stop putting your need for a haircut or brunch ahead of the reality that people are dying en masse and suffering long-lasting damage because people can’t be bothered to put a piece of cloth on their face when they go grocery shopping.

There is no reason for people to be making the pandemic political, but those who do only add to the personal impact it has on all of us.

I’m exhausted.

[jemelle]

these are ties that bind (1/8)

you can also find this story on ao3!

fandom: criminal minds

rating: g

(chapter) word count: 1,976

summary: emily and hotch must pretend to be in a long-term relationship in order to foster carrie. shenanigans and serious conversations alike ensue.

masterlist

one.

Emily Prentiss stood in front of the hotel door, hand raised, wondering if she was making the biggest mistake of her life. All her self-preservation instincts, built up from a lifetime of looking over her shoulder, told her it would be better for all parties if she just walked away. But a small voice in the back of her head disagreed. There is someone who needs you, it said. Someone who you are not too late to save. That voice had gotten her into this situation, and it was determined to see it through.

She knocked once, the sound echoing in the otherwise silent hallway. When Hotch opened the door, he looked as if he rather expected to see someone else. It was late, but Reid and Morgan were still off flirting with women at a club somewhere. Or, probably more likely, Morgan was flirting while Reid sat alone at the bar. Emily found she could never begrudge either of them the comfort of a post-case routine, no matter how strange.

Hotch was wearing his pajamas, which consisted of plain grey sweatpants and a well-worn GW Law shirt. His outfit had the unsettling effect of reminding Emily that she and him were, in fact, almost the same age. He often seemed much more world-weary than his thirty-some years suggested, although she supposed it was her who had actually seen more of the world. He was holding a book in one hand and seemed poised to lecture Reid for forgetting his keycard again. Upon seeing Emily, the expression on his face slid from irritation into confusion.

“Prentiss?” he asked. The “what do you want?” went unsaid.

“Sir, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to you about something.” Hotch opened the door wider and motioned her inside. He sat down on one of the beds while Emily leaned uncomfortably on the desk and surveyed the room. What she assumed was Hotch’s side of the room was nothing short of meticulous, although Spencer, to his credit, had managed to keep his chaos contained to a two by four area at the foot of his bed.

Acutely aware of the importance of her next few sentences, she began. “Carrie Ortiz, the girl from the case, has an aunt and uncle in Phoenix, but they’re not able to care for her. She doesn’t have anyone else and especially after seeing what the foster system can do to kids, I don’t know if…” No, this wasn’t the way to do it. She was dancing around her point and both she and Hotch knew it. Time to regroup. 

“Carrie came to me and asked if I would be willing to take her in for the time being.” Emily’s knee-jerk reaction had been no, but remembering what JJ told her earlier had given her pause. She had never been one of those children who dream of becoming a parent, not until it was no longer a dream. In the ensuing fallout, she became even more convinced that parenting was not for her. But Carrie wasn’t a helpless child. She was a young woman who had experienced a traumatic event and was voluntarily asking Emily to become her guardian. And so Emily found herself unable to say no.

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her that I would have to think about it but that I didn’t have the power to make that decision myself.” It was the truth. Emily knew that Hotch didn’t tolerate lying, especially not to victims. To give false hope to someone whose family had just been ripped away would be unspeakably cruel.

“Prentiss, with all due respect, I’m not sure why we’re having this conversation. I know you don’t need to be reminded of the dangers of our job, but I firmly believe that you will make the right decision.” Truthfully, it had taken Emily several hours to fully process Carrie’s request and several more before she could think rationally enough to decide. But she had made up her mind. If only that made it a reality.

Emily took a deep breath. For all the courage it had taken to get this far, the hardest part had yet to come. “I talked to Carrie’s social worker and she said that in the absence of family, they usually try to place in-area, but that given Carrie’s explicit request, she might be able to make an exception. However…” She trailed off. Maybe this was a mistake. It wasn’t too late to back out.

“However?” Hotch prompted. His tone was steady, and Emily forced herself to make eye contact. His face had smoothed itself into a neutral expression, which Emily took as a positive sign as she gathered her resolve.

“They don’t place children with single parents. No exceptions.” And definitely not gay couples, she mentally amended.

“I see,” he said. His face wrinkled in a way that told Emily he hadn’t quite figured out where she was going. “That’s a pity. Although, that still doesn’t solve the mystery of why you’re in my hotel room. I may be your boss, but even I don’t have sway over the foster care system of Denver.”

“Well… I sort of told Carrie’s caseworker that I would have to consult my husband.” She had run out of the room immediately after, wondering what on earth had just possessed her. She was a lesbian, for God's sake! There was no husband in her future. What scared her even more was realizing that she didn’t regret it. She wanted this for Carrie (and for herself, if she was being honest) and she was willing to do whatever it took, even if it meant hatching a hare-brained scheme like the one she currently found herself ensnared in.

Hotch raised his eyebrows at her. She suspected the pieces were starting to come together for him. “And you’re here to ask me to marry you?” 

He was chuckling now, almost in disbelief. Although she half-expected to become defensive, Emily instead found herself wanting to crack a grin at the pure absurdity of the situation.

“Well, given my lack of a personal life, it was one of our coworkers or a random man on the street.” The last time she had been on a date was months ago. Liv had been nice, but Emily could tell she wanted more than a casual relationship. So that particular alley was a bust, notwithstanding the fact that her gender preference would disqualify any actual partner.

“Why me?” Hotch asked, bringing her out of her thoughts. His tone turned serious again. “I don’t exactly have the best track record with parenthood.” 

His gaze was fixed at a blank spot on the wall above her head, and Emily imagined he was mentally scrolling through his worst hits as a constantly-working husband and father.

“Hotch, you’re the only man on this team with any parenting expertise.” Upon giving the decision some thought, Emily had realized that not only was Hotch the best choice, he was the only choice. She voiced her thought process to reassure him. “Morgan is the perpetual bachelor, Reid would eat cereal for every meal if we let him, and Rossi is old enough to be my father.”

“While I’m certainly flattered to have been picked by process of elimination, that doesn’t make this a good idea.” He was right. In fact, it was a bad idea for more reasons than Emily could count, chiefly that she and Hotch had only recently reached any sort of lasting truce; any person who wasn’t convinced of the validity of their relationship could turn them in and ruin the whole scheme.

“Sir, I recognize the ridiculousness of the situation, and if you say no I will never mention this conversation again, but I really believe that we have the chance to make someone’s life better. Our job is about always making wrong things right, giving people peace, but never more than that. Never making a good thing on its own.” Hotch looked as surprised as Emily felt at her impassioned speech. At some point, she had begun gesticulating, movements becoming more frantic as the volume of her voice rose. 

“We’ve seen how the foster system changes kids,” she continued, suddenly feeling bold. “I don’t need Reid to quote statistics to know it’s usually not for the better. Carrie has so much potential and I don’t want to think her hopes were dashed because of a choice I made.” I see myself in her, Emily didn’t say. Young and hopeful and ready to take on the world.

They sat in silence as Hotch mulled her words over. Emily felt confident that no matter his decision, she had given it her all. It felt unnerving to have to place a decision this important in the hands of a man she had betrayed, but Emily knew he would put aside any feelings, positive or negative, that he might have for her. It was one of the things she admired most about Hotch; if he respected you, he valued your contributions, whether you were certified genius Spencer Reid or a local law enforcement officer assisting the team. With that conviction in mind, Emily did her best to steel herself for his decision as Hotch began to speak. 

“Let’s pretend I said yes. What are we going to tell the team, not to mention Jack and my… Haley?” Emily pretended to ignore the way he choked on Haley’s name. It was the least she owed him. Still, she felt hope bubbling in her chest at the realization that he was actually considering it.

“I think we should tell the team as little as possible. I don’t doubt that they’ll figure out something is different, but we both know Reid and Garcia can’t lie to save their lives. It’ll be better to keep them in the dark for as long as possible.” Hotch nodded and Emily felt some of the tension leave her body. “As for Jack and Haley, you know them best, so I’ll defer to you.”

“We’ll have to convince them we’re really in a relationship,” he responded without pause. “Haley and I currently have equal custody, and I won’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

“Deal.” She briefly fought the ridiculous urge to offer him a handshake. “Although I am warning you that I’m not sure how long this arrangement will have to last.”

“Well, as you pointed out, I’m not exactly a youthful bachelor.” True to his words, Emily’s brain faltered when asked to conjure up an image of Hotch as a twenty-something playboy. He was, she thought, possibly the most monogamous man she had ever met. If he was as serious in his acquiescence to her plan as he was in every other endeavor, they would be an excellent team.

“You’re really sure?” She had hoped for this, of course, but now it hardly seemed real. 

Hotch’s voice was warm. “Emily, speaking as a parent, every child deserves someone who is as passionate about them as you clearly are about Carrie. If I have the chance to make someone's life better and it doesn’t harm me or my family or the team in any way, then I don’t see how I could say no.”

“Thank you, sir. You don’t know how much this means to me.” Emily rarely cried, preferring to keep her rare bouts of melancholia and euphoria within the confines of her apartment, but she could feel herself tearing up, though she tried her best to conceal it. “We should be able to sign the necessary paperwork in the morning.”

“Of course,” he said. Emily stood and turned to leave the room, pausing in the door frame as she heard his voice again, colored by the return of his smile. “And Prentiss, if we’re going to pull this off, you probably shouldn’t call me sir.