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secretagentspydetectiveninja · 2 years ago

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My (somewhat unhinged) tierlist of Arsène Lupin books and (even more unhinged) thoughts on them

S-tier: L’Aiguille creuse, 813, Le Bouchon de cristal, La Comtesse de Cagliostro, L’Agence Barnett et Cie, La Demeure mystérieuse, La Barre-y-va

A-tier: Arsène Lupin gentleman-cambrioleur, Les Huits Coups de l’horloge, La Cagliostro se venge, Les Milliards d’Arsène Lupin

B-tier: Arsène Lupin contre Herlock Sholmès, L’Île aux trente cercueils, Les Dents du tigre, Victor de la Brigade mondaine, Le Dernier Amour d’Arsène Lupin

C-tier: Les Confidences d’Arsène Lupin, L’Éclat d’obus, La Demoiselle aux yeux verts, La Femme aux deux sourires

D-tier: Le Triangle d’or

My reasonings and thoughts are under the cut because they got exceedingly long and rambly. I started off trying to be sensible but it appears I progressively lost my sanity as I went along, sorry about that. I read the first ones a long time ago so my recollection of those are much fuzzier than more recent books. Also I read them in French so I have no idea what they’re called in English and was too lazy to look it up (this thing has taken me long enough already). Spoilers abound.

In publication order:

Arsène Lupin gentleman-cambrioleur (Arsène Lupin Gentleman-Thief)

This one is awesome, it really got me into Lupin stories in general. At first I was just reading it to practise my French and so that I could understand the references in the Netflix show, but I ended up genuinely getting into it.

(The Netflix show is great, by the way. I now understand why he named his son Raoul, the context behind “Ganimard”, the vibe in general... Assane Diop is really a fantastic modern-day Lupin!)

Getting to hear about smol Lupin pulling off Baby’s First Heist was very cute!

I still think Miss Nelly is one of the more fun “girlfriends of the week” so far, and I like that she showed up in more than one adventure, as a treat. I hope she’s having a good day.

I also like how Maurice Leblanc, the author, is just... there?? He’s just some guy who is there, who Lupin recounts all his adventures to, and then Leblanc writes them and publishes them. Their friendship is adorable, honestly. I too would want to write myself into the story as a self-insert to be besties with the main character, that’s so valid of him.

Arsène Lupin contre Herlock Sholmès (Arsène Lupin vs. Herlock Sholmes)

At first I actually wasn’t that keen on the full novel format of this one, where it’s one large story rather than multple smaller and moderately unrelated adventures -- but I did still enjoy the book! Basically I thought some of the fun was lost because more time is spent building up the larger plot that previously would have instead been time spent on getting to see Lupin doing his usual funny shenanigans. That being said though, in later books I actually do love the full novel format and it works well for more serious adventures, and the delayed gratification of getting to see the payoff to all that buildup is great. Just not so much in this particular novel (or maybe I need to reread it, it’s been a long time). I still did enjoy it though

The back and forth between Lupin and Sholmès is very fun -- they both take turns outwitting each other, which is nice, because neither is made to feel smarter than the other and they’re very equally matched as far as opponents go. I didn’t even know who I was rooting for some of the time, hehe.

This book was where I first realised that Lupin’s love interests have that “girlfriend of the week” format, because there’s no sign of Miss Nelly here and he’s got a new love interest instead who never shows up again after this. Some girlfriends of the week are more fun or interesting than others. This one was pretty good! I like that she was his partner in crime, helping him out with his shenanigans. I don’t remember much else about her. (Some old-timey sexism is, naturally, to be expected.)

Imagining this Sholmes as the one from the Great Ace Attorney games makes it all very, very funny btw and I highly recommend it

L’Aiguille creuse (The Hollow Needle)

THIS. THIS ONE. OH MY GOD. THIS NOVEL. I SWEAR TO GOD

No really this one changed me. It came into my house and smashed a barrel over my head, killing me instantly. I was in SHOCK when I read it. It kept me on the edge of my seat. I was reading voraciously and near the end I unfortunately had to stop to do life things and the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about it. At the first opportunity I ditched everything else to sit back down to eagerly read more and finish it as quick as I could. My mouth was hanging open by the end. I was in awe. I had no idea a Lupin novel would make me feel such emotions.

(This one is my favourite, I think.)

So like, here the novel format really shines, because it’s all part of a larger adventure, except this time Lupin isn’t only against Sholmès, he also has to contend with Isidore Beautrelet, who is probably my favourite one-off character in the entire series.

For starters, he’s JUST A KID. He’s this poor little teenager who should be focusing on his school and exams but instead is getting caught up in all this madness, and all this because of his own sense of justice. He doesn’t have to put himself in such danger but he repeatedly does, because his conscience won’t let him just leave it.

And Lupin in this one!!! He comes across as much more of the villain this time!!! He’s actively very menacing at times, which I absolutely LOVED. Usually we’re rooting for him, since he’s the protagonist, and even though he’s a thief he’s very much a Robin Hood-type and incredibly honourable, so we want him to win. But this time!! This time!!! The poor little kiddo Isidore gets just as much “screentime” and attention! We don’t want him to get hurt! We want him to win too! And there’s this brilliant clash of wishes here, where we still want Lupin to get away with his crimes, but we also want to see this plucky kid detective succeed, and the emotional buildup of that is phenomenal.

Especially because Lupin basically agrees with the audience here. He doesn’t want this kid to get hurt, he even ends up reluctantly caring about him because he sees aspects of himself in him! He wants him to be safe! But he also knows that the kid is truly a formidable opponent who can’t just be ignored because of his age, so the question is: how far do you go, to scare him off? What if none of that works? What then? What can you even do that’ll sit right with your own conscience? How much are you willing to hurt a child? How much will you let him be traumatised? Especially one who has come to mean something to you? What can you do when you see him like your own son, yet he only sees you as his enemy?

(Man, can you imagine if THIS had been the conflict in the Cagliostro revenge book? Lupin having to fight against his actual son, but properly?)

The scenes within the actual “aiguille creuse” near the end blew my mind. I think I was shaking when I was reading it. The invitation letter left on the table. The slow climb up the tower. The distant sounds of the police. Everything. Lupin, the ominous, terrifying Lupin, having been one step ahead the whole time.

AND THEN. AT THE END. IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING. BECAUSE SHOLMÈS. SHOOTS. RAYMONDE.

I cannot get over it and I won’t for as long as I live. Lupin was ready to give it all up -- and he did! These treasures he’d spent YEARS amassing, he gave all that up! He was going to stop! He was going to return to a fully honest life! To be with Raymonde, to soothe his own soul! But then Sholmès!! Fucking!! SHOOTS RAYMONDE!!!!

And that’s it, that’s the end!! It has a tragic ending!!! It completely destroyed me!!!!

I mean, Raymonde was an awesome girlfriend of the week, she literally shot Lupin himself earlier in the book before getting together with him, she’s a badass, and for her to just die like that -- and at the hands of Herlock Sholmès, of all people!!!! What the hell!!!!

813

Another favourite. Absolute banger of a book. You go into it thinking “who names a book ‘813′ lmao what even is that” and then it proceeds to rip out your heart and soul and eat them in front of you.

First of all, I had been hoping, wishing, praying that a girlfriend of the week would turn out to secretly be evil. And voilà! Here we have it! And it’s so good!

Seriously, Dolorès was already fairly good as a gf of the week, but when the reveal happens, ALONGSIDE LUPIN ACCIDENTALLY KILLING HER AT THE SAME TIME, god that really got me. That was INSANE.

This whole thing was tragic as hell, in fact. Lupin ending up leading to the deaths of three people when he usually prides himself on never committing murder, it really shatters his own sense of self-trust and it’s no wonder he tries to kill himself at the end. Like, he accidentally kills one and then desperately tries to save the others, in vain, and has no one to blame but himself.

Not only that, but his flaws are on full display in this novel, which, THANK GOD. Look I love him being the mastermind thief who’s a genius and always on top of everything ever, but this time we get to actually see through that to the man beneath the mask. It’s grittier, it’s darker. He isn’t perfect. He can’t control everything. And god, does he try because he is Arsène Lupin and he has to be that larger-than-life gentleman thief, everything has to go perfectly. But in this book things go wrong, it spirals out of control, he can’t handle it, he loses patience, he loses his mind. He can’t see that the villain is the woman he loves, who was right in front of him the whole time.

And then there’s that. You know. Geneviève. Hecking Geneviève.

This made me feral, I tell you. I picked up on the hints very early. I guessed it was coming. And it made that reveal at the end SO INSANELY GOOD.

The way he kept visiting, only wanting the best for her, trying to move around the threads of her life like a puppet on a string, and Victoire calls him out on it because -- he can’t do that! He keeps trying to control people, convincing himself it’s for their own good, but it all falls apart because he can’t accept the fact that not everyone wants what he wants! Sometimes it’s better to leave well alone!

And he learns this with Geneviève before it’s too late, thankfully, deciding to leave her be and not to interfere with her life, and even though he was going to tell her the truth he just can’t bring himself to because it’s such a selfish wish when she’ll be better off not knowing, not having her life ruined like that in a time period where there’s much more judgement on these things, and she’s already perfectly happy taking care of the children at her school, he sees how happy she is... and as he breaks down into tears, Victoire finally asks him, is Geneviève his daughter, and he says yes... god... that’s his fricking daughter...

I’d guessed it so early on and the final confirmation was just. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. That’s his DAUGHTER. And she’ll never even know. I’m going emo just remembering it. I literally cried over this. The Cagliostro revenge book wants what 813 has.

(Also, his friendship with Victoire is always so heartwarming. Well, I say “always”, but it’s angsty too, because she’d much rather live an honest life, but she loves Lupin too much to ever betray him or refuse to help him. The fact is, she’s like a mother to him. They’re family. And the way she actually did stick up for Geneviève so much when Lupin was trying to heck around with her life... did she guess it from early on too?)

There’s also that morbid, dark, macabre scene where this guy tries to hang himself... it was written so well, it wrecked me. The lead up to the moment, him falling unconscious, Lupin cutting him down and putting another dead body in its place, and then the guy wakes up and sees what he believes is his own corpse hanging there and he starts to believe he’s losing his mind or having an out-of-body experience as he’s dying, and Lupin using it to manipulate him into working for him, so he could control him like a puppet, the way he was trying to do with his own daughter too, and in the end the guy dies anyway, and Lupin almost kills himself too because he can’t bear the weight of everything his actions have led to... Do you understand just how feral this makes me??? This exquisite angst??? This shocking darkness????? I was NOT expecting anything like this from a Lupin novel and it was like being repeatedly stabbed in the most amazing way possible

In fact I’m skimming back over the hanging scene and my gOd it’s even more amazing than I remembered -- Lupin telling the guy he’s giving him one more chance and to choose between life and death, and he holds him at gunpoint, and the poor guy picks life!! He picks life!! His near-death experience traumatised him!!! But in order to live, to take the place of the corpse, he has to resemble him, so he must chop off his own finger, and he’s terrified but Lupin makes him do it!!! It’s insane!!! And even Lupin on the inside feels so disturbed at everything he’s had to witness this evening, everything he’s had to do!!! AaaaAaAaaaaAAAAAAAAA

Le Bouchon de cristal (The Crystal Stopper)

One more banger. This one was just amazing. (I call these three the trilogy of bangers, because they are. Well, angst bangers. There’s a trilogy of comedy bangers later.)

The pace in this one was more frantic. Or maybe that was because I read it so fast? A lot of it blurs together in my mind, I should probably reread it at some point...

But anyway: I love, love, LOVE in this one that for most of the book, Lupin is losing. He’s constantly being outsmarted by an extremely formidable foe and is scrambling to catch up. We’re used to Lupin being the one doing that to others -- and he’s used to it too! He hates feeling so powerless! It’s fantastic just how vulnerable we get to see him!

The plot of poor little Gilbert being falsely accused of murder, and desperately begging for his boss to save him before his execution, and Lupin doing his damndest to get this poor kid freed in whatever way he possibly can and being thwarted at every possible opportunity, it’s SO good. I love Gilbert so much. He has so much faith in his boss and Lupin does not want to let him down. (I also loved that Gilbert’s lawyer has so much faith in his innocence too to the point of crying over it and desperately trying to convince other people, I thought it was very sweet.) And the fact that he does manage to save him in the end makes me so happy.

The adventurey stuff with the villain Daubrecq was good too, if somewhat convoluted at points. He’s a genius, a creep, absolutely terrifying, absolutely brilliant, and constantly one step ahead. Every time you think Lupin’s got him, it turns out to be part of some overarching plan and he’s outwitted you once again. It’s so wild. It happens so often I was almost getting tired of it by the end, haha. But what an end!! The paper turning out to be hidden literally in his glass eye! It had been there the whole time! the madlad

Clarisse was pretty cool too. I like that she cared so much about her son, and I’m obsessed with how she just straight-up ditched Lupin at the end. Iconic. She’s so valid lmao I’m such a hoe for characters turning people down

No because a lot of the times, his GOTWs (girlfriends of the week, I cannot be bothered to write it out in full every time) will die at the end somehow, or turn out to be evil so he doesn’t like them anymore, or they’ll just never be mentioned ever again so they presumably split offscreen because Lupin has attachment issues or whatever. But Clarisse just wasn’t even into him? Or at least, she was, but there was never any chance she’d actually go for him, since she doesn’t like thieves, and Lupin just had to deal with it. Good for her! Honestly! And good on Lupin for going for a milf this time -- usually his GOTWs are hot single ladies but it’s nice to know that he’s into older women and mothers too I guess

And the contrast between Daubrecq and Lupin, who both like Clarisse but go about it in different ways -- Daubrecq blackmailing her into marrying him and trying to guilt trip her into kissing him by threatening her son, while Lupin just leaves her alone at the end because he clearly understands the meaning of the word no (at least in this book *cough*) and isn’t interested in getting with someone who isn’t interested back... good boy Lupin, good

Les Confidences d’Arsène Lupin (The Secrets of Arsène Lupin)

I... don’t remember this one. Like at all. I definitely read it, but...

Looking back at the chapter list I think it was just a bunch of mini-adventures like the first book, which is cute. I have very vague recollections of some of them and those recollections are pleasant. I’m sure I enjoyed it I just can’t remember lol, it clearly didn’t leave enough of an impression on me

L’Éclat d’obus (The Shell Shrapnel)

And now we reach the first of the “Not Actually A Lupin Novel” books. Like, this is clearly just an original work. It doesn’t have the same tone or style or even genre as the other Lupin stories. And there’s also the fact that LUPIN ISN’T IN IT. Oh sure, he’s offhandedly mentioned once, for all of about two paragraphs. But not only does he not even make a physical appearance, those few little paragraphs were added in a later edition of the book. The original just didn’t have him mentioned at all. Like, I cannot stress enough how much this is NOT a Lupin novel. Not in the slightest. They will tell you it is, but they are lying.

Buuuuut I still read it anyway, so here are my thoughts :D

I’m not a fan of gritty war novels, but that being said, I didn’t dislike it. I think it was well-written and the story and mystery were good, despite the fact that it’s clearly and obviously WW1 French propaganda with no effort whatsoever made to hide it. I also liked the characters and their motivations etc, though I think it would have been cooler if the girl’s mum really was bad after all, rather than it actually being a misunderstanding. Or whatever the plot was. I don’t remember it clearly enough now.

Diversity win! The evil war general that killed you father is genderfluid!

Okay lmao but seriously, I like that the villain was just this irredeemably evil girlboss. Like, good ol’ Dolorès was the villain in 813 but she was pretty conflicted and torn up about it and suffering from mental illness and clearly a sympathetic character. But this war general lady? A true evil girlboss and I stan. There’s no “oh but she’s a ~woman~ so she’s all ~weak~ and ~soft~” as was typical for the time period, they’re just like “nope she is straight-up evil and also terrifying and god she needs to be shot asap”. And then she gets shot. Brill.

(I mean, I’m not knowledgeable about the historical and social context of WW1-era Europe so this could have been a “look how scary and evil these German ladies are, not like our sweet and soft and feminine French ladies uwu” but I have no idea.)

Also, despite being a war novel, I like that it doesn’t glamourise it much and does show the brutality and horrors of trench warfare and how it ruins people’s lives, even people who you think of as “heroes”. Probably helps that it was written while the war was still going on.

Oh and the main couple were pretty cute. I don’t even remember their names now but yeah they were cute.

Le Triangle d’or (The Golden Triangle)

Another “Not Actually A Lupin Novel” novel, though at least Lupin does actually show up and do some stuff this time. Not much, but he’s there and mildly plot-relevant.

That being said... I did not enjoy this book. Sorry. I’m sure it was very good and a lot of people loved it, but not me.

The main character annoyed me. A lot. Idk man, I just didn’t like him. I also didn’t like his love interest -- she felt very flat and the two of them didn’t even have any chemistry. It was flatter than a piece of paper. I was hoping they’d both die tbh lol

The torture scene was raw as hell, I liked it. Wait, am I getting a different book mixed up with this one? I think there was a torture scene in an earlier book too but I can’t remember which one... Might’ve been Le Bouchon de cristal? Well whatever, all torture scenes in this series are good because I love it when characters suffer and are put in Situations

Also, I sort of liked the Sims-esque scene of the protagonists getting locked in a house where all the doors and windows are boarded up and they have to starve to death. I mean, I was totally rooting for them to die so that lessened the imapct somewhat and made it significantly funnier than it should have been, but still.

Also it has to be mentioned. This book was written in 1918 and it shows. For its time period it was probably considered quite acceptable, even forward, but by today’s standards... no, it’s definitely racist. It’s nice that Ya-Bon is clearly a good guy and friends with the protagonists (and close friends with Lupin in particular, who deeply trusts him, which was awesome) but uh, yeah. There’s still a lot that comes across today as racist and it makes for quite the uncomfortable read. But, y’know, baby steps, it was good for 1918, historical context and all that, it’s nice that today we can look back and acknowledge the racism in it while still acknowledging that for its day it was better than many of its contemporaries, etc.

L’Île aux trente cercueils (The Island of Thirty Coffins)

The third and thankfully last of the “Not Actually A Lupin Novel” trilogy.

This one was freaking DARK. And CREEPY. And DEPRESSING. I call it the “murder island” book for a reason. There’s something so sinister about thinking you’re going to get to meet your long-lost son but then the kid you think is your son just up and muders like 20+ people in front of you and wants to crucify you and there’s like a cult and... yeah, this one was a bit macabre. I liked it though

THE DOG WAS SO CUTE. I LOVE YOU TOUT-VA-BIEN. YOU’RE ADORABLE. BEST CHARACTER.

I also like that the protagonist is a woman this time. She’s not even some generic #Girlboss, she’s a middle-aged woman with a child and plenty of depth to her! In general, she’s awesome.

I didn’t really like the sort of... inevitability of inheritance sort of thing going on though? Like that if you’re a good person then your children will be good, and if you’re a bad person then your children will be bad... It happens quite a bit in these books and it really annoys me. You are not bound by what other people in your biological family have done, okay, you are YOU, end of. I think it would’ve been more interesting if her son really was evil, tbh. I did like the evil child though I think he was funny

Speaking of funny, the abrupt tone shift when Lupin shows up pretending to be the druid guy gave me so much whiplash. I cannot even begin to describe how much that “Ah ! la barbe !” line felt like a direct punch to the face. It took me OUT. And from then on it’s literally just slapstick comedy. Like, even Lupin himself acknowledges the wild tone change, it’s so bizarre. This is like, a good three quarters of the way into the book too. You’ve already read hundreds of pages of sheer angst by this point and then it hits you with the clownery. Unbelievable. Top tier comedy. Mad.

Les Dents du tigre (The Teeth of the Tiger)

Back to an actual Lupin novel where he’s the protagonist again, hallelujah! Though he’s not really stealing stuff in this one, which sucked, but it was still good. Actually, I remember this one being very weird -- like, the solution to the overarching mystery was just very odd and strange and I’m not sure it felt entirely earned. But still, I did enjoy it.

There was this one scene in particular that was absolutely mind-shattering, it blew me away. I start biting like a rabid animal. It was where Lupin was being hunted by the police so he hid in the walls of the building, but then couldn’t escape without being caught, and he slowly started starving to death and losing his mind and willpower and going delirious, and then when he realised the house was going to blow and that people were going to die, he desperately tried to find a way to escape so he could warn everyone and he called for help but nobody came and he eventually, half dead, managed to get his arm to reach the telephone and then despite literally being in the process of dying he managed to get the warning across, just about! And he succeeded!! Just in the nick of time!!! GOD that bit was too good

Les Huits Coups de l’horloge (The Eight Strikes of the Clock)

This one was interesting, being essentially several shorter stories but all connected to each other by an overarching story, which I really liked -- it’s like the perfect combination of buildup and drama of the longer novels, and the fast pace and fun of the short stories. Like episodes of a TV show. (Later on the Barnett book does it too, and I love that one so much...)

Hortense is one of the best GOTWs, and I think a lot of it is because she actually has chemistry with Lupin beyond just “she’s a pretty lady so he’s into her”? I mean, yes, there’s that too, but the two of them are genuine friends and she’s pretty much his partner-in-crime sidekick sort of person for the most part, which felt like a fresh dynamic, and I really liked their interactions. Sometimes these Lupin romances can get kinda stale but this one was actually good. They felt more like real people than the usual fantasy mushy romance. I know I don’t read these books for their realism, but still, my standards for fictional romance can get quite high...

La Comtesse de Cagliostro (The Countess of Cagliostro)

Oh. Ohoho. OhohoHOhoOhOhHOHoo.

This one is crunchy. I love it.

Usually I’m used to considering Lupin around my age or older but this book specifically takes place in the past, in the 1890s, where Raoul (shush I’m calling him that) is only 20 and god he’s sooooo adorable. Idiot swooning hormonal mess, bless him. I love him dearly. He’s so funny and stupid. Literally all his problems are caused by being a raging heterosexual (for now *cough cough Barnett book*). Silly little cute-pie.

On the name Raoul -- in the first book he used that name when talking about his very first heist when he was 6, and he’s used it multiple times since then, in multiple books. Whether or not it’s his birth name, it does feel like his “true” name to me. Arsène Lupin feels like more of a stage name or something, the larger-than-life gentleman thief, while Raoul is the man beneath that. I suppose it’s reminiscent of the difference between Flynn Rider and Eugene Fitzherbert, really. They’re both him, but in differring ways.

Anyway!! Raoul ghosts his gf to go after this other hot girl, Joséphine, and since she’s evil and doesn’t want him to get caught up in her evil life she tries to keep him away but even though he’s feeling conflicted about the fact that she’s a thief (and the fact that he dumped his old gf so suddenly, poor girl) he’s so horny he can’t stop simping for her and then she gives in and makes out with him and keeps him on her boat so she can snog him whenever she wants and it turns out she’s a yandere?? AND a girlboss who gaslights and gatekeeps??? It feels like a modern day fanfic and I mean that in the positive sense

Seriously, it’s so delicious, all the angst when Raoul realises the truth about Joséphine, who then tries to kill his ex or something since she’s a yandere and she’s super angry... It’s wild. This book is wild. There is so much weird love-hate. It’s glorious. I bet people wrote smut about it.

And then at the end, he gets back with his ex and marries her and they have a kid but then she dies and THE KID GETS KIDNAPPED BY JOSÉPHINE???? Even at the time I predicted half the plot of the later Cagliostro vengeance book almost immediately, guessing that she’d try and raise the kidnapped son to turn against his father or something sufficiently angsty like that, and I wasn’t exactly wrong. GOD.

La Demoiselle aux yeux verts (The Damsel with Green Eyes)

I... didn’t much care about this one, tbh. The GOTW didn’t feel like a real person, just a bunch of traits slapped together to make a hot lady love interest. Honestly I’m not really that into the books which are just mushy love stories where Lupin saves his damsel in distress a bunch of times. He’s supposed to be a thief! Let him steal!

Like seriously, I think he had more chemistry with the blue-eyed English woman at the start than with... god I don’t even remember her name. The love interest. He didn’t even KNOW her, and even when he thought she was a murderer he was fine with kissing her like 5 minutes later (tho um dude you should probably ASK HER FIRST, come on man)... Hello, did la Cagliostro teach you nothing???

Anyway the mystery was okay, there wasn’t much fun adventurey stuff, I didn’t care about the romance, worst GOTW. All in all a mid book.

That being said it did have this one epic scene -- you think all is lost and there’s this long buildup, this brilliant long buildup, and the guy opens the piece of paper and there’s the drop: “Marescal est une gourde.” (”Marescal is an idiot.”) Flawless. I laughed so hard. I love that scene. Lupin’s such a troll sometimes.

And also after the end how he continues to constantly troll Marescal with the “Un peu de feu ?” thing, it’s not only hilarious, but the fact that it’s implied he’s doing it for years afterwards, overlapping with other books like 813! So while all the angsty heckery of 813 is going on, at some point or another, he’s trolling Marescal in the background! Continuing to gaslight and torment him! Absolutely fab, I can’t get over it.

L’Agence Barnett et Cie (The Barnett & Co. Agency)

GOD TIER BOOK. GOD TIER. (Excuse me in advance, I’m gonna be a little unhinged for the next few books.)

Okay so this one is another one where they’re short stories, but completely connected to each other so you still get that overarching plot. Except this time? This time it’s super light-hearted, all the way through, and it’s perfect. I love this one to pieces. I’d say this one is the funniest.

Firstly it’s because Lupin (who’s going by the oddly English name “Jim Barnett” here lmao) is LARPing as a detective now and he is clearly having so much fun. Like he tells people his services are free, but after he’s solved the case he just steals from them. He literally just robs them. It’s so funny

The mysteries are pretty good too, and solved in an interesting manner. I always love hearing the Poirot-esque explanation at the end it’s awesome

But most of all this book is great because of BÉCHOUX MY BELOVED. Béchoux best character. Ganimard wants what Béchoux has. This is like a platonic, reversed, comedy version of the Cagliostro angst and I’m so here for it. Actually, did I say platonic? Make that ambiguously platonic. Lupin, former raging heterosexual, is entering his bi era and you know what, good for him. Good for him.

Okay but seriously, these two are besties, worsties, boyfriends, exes, married and divorced all at the same time. It’s like Looney Tunes. They keep breaking up because Béchoux, a policeman, keeps suspecting that his bestie Barnett is actually Arsène Lupin and is stealing from his clients, so he gets mad at him and stops talking to him, then later he’ll come crawling back every time because he needs his help solving a case again and Barnett’s all like “aww babe, I knew you couldn’t live without me <3″ oh my god it is so gay.

They even start tutoie-ing each other (using informal pronouns) because Béchoux did it once in a fit of anger and then Lupin started doing it as a proof that they’re super close (and probably to mess with him too, he loves doing that) and then Béchoux just... also does it too? Even though he claims to hate this guy and want to arrest him? But he continously doesn’t and instead carries on being his boytoy twink malewife friend and asking for his help all the time??? They’re in love your honour

(All that said, Lupin does go and fuck Béchoux’s ex-wife and it’s implied he did it mostly to annoy Béchoux. Like, that is very much a thing that canonically happens. Béchoux is livid. It’s bloody hilarious. Funniest thing to happen in any of the books hands down.)

On the formal vs informal pronouns thing in a bit more detail: basically in French, the informal you is “tu” but it can be used as “tu (derogatory)” or “tu (affectionate)”. Lupin frequently uses the former on his enemies when he’s fighting them, as a way to show his lack of respect for them, to insult them, to have power over them, etc, and they do it back. But he uses the latter with people he considers close -- Victoire, some of his love interests, sometimes his friends or subordinates. And in this book, Béchoux got mad at him and used tu (derogatory), but then Lupin starts doing it back but affectionate, and then Béchoux..?? also starts using tu (affectionate)???

I have no idea how translations into English (and other languages that don’t have the T-V distinction) conveyed that change in tone but in French it’s fricking awesome. Damn right they’re close and care about each other. It sticks even when they’re mad at each other and it’s the sweetest thing.

La Demeure mystérieuse (The Mysterious House)

I was so pleasantly overjoyed to see that Béchoux was back in this one, I’d genuinely thought he was just going to be a one-off but no! He’s here! And just as tsundere for Lupin as ever! A BOYFRIEND of the week, you could say! Or more like multiple weeks!

Okay but this book was pretty cool, the mystery was pretty cool, and a lot of this one was very very funny. The Van Houben guy was hilarious. The villain was interesting -- for a while I really didn’t know if he was going to be good or bad, because he did save Lupin’s life, and just... yeah it was pretty interesting, though I was mentally punching Lupin in the face like “Get! Your! Jealousy! Issues! Under! Control!”

I do like that Lupin ended up being close friends with Régine. It’s a nice change to see him care about a single and attractive lady without really being into her and genuinely enjoying her company in a completely platonic way. I wish it happened more!

I also love that his GOTW didn’t actually get with him at the end!! Yes she was into him but she said she wanted to remain friends instead, and he accepted that! And then they went on holiday together to hang out with each other and !!! That was so good!!!! So good!!!!!!! I’m such a hoe for that!!!!!!!

Alright but when I was reading the previous book and unexpectedly shipping Lupin and Béchoux to hell and back, I was thinking “well that’s because I’m reading it in the 21st century with a modern understanding and view of the text, the queer subtext surely can’t have been intentional at the time” but then I read this book and I’m like ah... okay no yeah this is just bi. “Il fait de vous ce qu’il veut... et de toutes les femmes d’ailleurs.” “Et de tous les hommes aussi.” That combined with him not ending up with either of the girls, and him and Béchoux getting even closer... well it certainly makes one think.

Also I can’t remember if it was this book or the next one so I’m just gonna put it here but at one point he called Béchoux “délicieux” (three guesses what that translates as) and like... I can’t be certain that he’s never described other guys like that before because I can’t remember, but he DOES frequently describe his girl love interests like that! Very frequently, even! With openly and unambiguously romantic connotations! I just... is this supposed to be read as flirting? Is this just me reading it in 2023, or did people in 1928 catch it too? Am I going mad??

La Barre-y-va (The “place-where-the-current-reaches”?? idk how to translate this one, it’s a place name so maybe I’ll just not bother)

It got gayer. I loved this book. Very fun. Good mystery. All that jazz. Now back to the queer stuff because oh boy.

First of all half the time Raoul (yes he’s back to Raoul again) is calling Béchoux by his first name, Théodore, instead, which is... really something. Also Béchoux just inexplicably had a key to his flat even though no one’s meant to know where Raoul lives. It’s never explained. Like Béchoux why do you even have that. And then he invites Raoul to stay with him on his holiday (oh my god they were roommates). Raoul also said he had constantly been thinking about him and compliments him profusely in a physical sense in a way that maybe sounded different in 1931 than it does today but it sure does seem different with a modern eye and they’re just. There’s a lot.

(There’s also this quick little “oh you’re totally like a brother to me” that never came up again which made me laugh so hard. It’s like the Sailor Moon English dub cousins thing. Like lmao who is buying this. Nice try.)

Also at one point while Raoul’s dancing with joy he grabs Béchoux and puts his arm around his waist and spins him around and lifts him in the air. No I am not making this up. His GOTWs are literally watching and cheering them on. Oh yeah, Raoul has a polycule this time btw

In fact Béchoux gets a GOTW too this book! And Raoul interrupts them just as they’re about to kiss, if that didn’t make things obvious

And there’s more -- Béchoux’s GOTW turns out to be like mildly evil and also already married and Béchoux gets mad and leaves her, and in the meantime Raoul gets dumped by both his GOTWs because they don’t want to be in his polycule anymore, then Fate or Destiny or whatever makes him go to a certain place and he sees that Béchoux now has his own polycule with his mildly evil GOTW and her husband -- and Raoul is so pissed off he grabs Béchoux by the arm and drags him outside, all the while complaining like “how could you be going out with those criminal peasants when I’M right here and so much better than them?? I need to save you from yourself” (I’m not making this up I promise) and it’s super ridiculous and it’s like he doesn’t even know how to deal with his own emotions, so he just KIDNAPS BÉCHOUX and stuffs him in his car and drives off with him and Béchoux’s complaning that he doesn’t have any time off from work for this and Raoul says he’ll sort it out and that he’ll buy Béchoux new clothes and a toothbrush or something and IT’S SO WILD. HOW WAS THIS EVEN WRITTEN. IT’S NOT EVEN SUBTLE ANYMORE. PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS. MON DIEU. THESE BITCHES GAY. TANT MIEUX POUR EUX. TANT MIEUX POUR EUX.

La Femme aux deux sourires (The Woman With Two Smiles)

*Megamind face* No Béchoux?

Sigh... my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined. Welp, anyways, moving on...

Raoul you fucker. No I’m serious -- he’s a fuckboy now and I hate it. (Not that he wasn’t already, a lil bit...) I can excuse stealing from people but I draw the line at kissing someone when they told you not to and clearly doesn’t like it and also lying to your harem of a million girlfriends.

Zero chemistry between him and his GOTW(s). In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s like anti-chemistry. I don’t even like her very much but I still think she deserves better. Raoul you should’ve just stuck with Princess Olga. She was right to dump you though and her husband yelling at you was hilarious

Also there’s some new policeman guy but it’s not the same... I just want him (Béchoux) back 😔...

That being said, the book did pick up later on and get better, and the plot twist was actually pretty cool. So was the meteorite thing. Was it a ridiculously ridiculous coincidence? Yes, but it doesn’t beat out the ridiculous balloon dropping a rope in the exact right place thing from one of the earlier books so it’s fine.

Also, these books are getting bolder as time goes on? I noticed more and more harsh language used, and very strong implications of sexual assault (previously I’d say the closest it came to that was Le Bouchon de cristal, which didn’t go quite that far). It’s not necessarily darker, because nothing can beat 813 in that regard, but it does feel “edgier”, especially coming directly after a trilogy of light-hearted adventures.

Oh!! And he totally does joke about being bi in this book so I will choose to believe it. When his GOTW mentions being jealous that he’s in love with someone else, he pretends she’s talking about his (male) sidekick first. And then later when he talks about how everyone keeps falling in love with him, he rattles off the names of a bunch of people including male characters and god why wasn’t Béchoux in this book dammit could you imagine--

Victor, de la Brigade mondaine (Victor, of the Vice Squad)

No thoughts. Head empty. Utterly gobsmacked. Flabbergasted. Speechless.

No but this one started off so slow, and it was so little about Lupin and I didn’t think much of Victor, it was all just a lot of convoluted and repetitive investigation and every side character is cheating on their spouse in a middling stale soap opera way so it didn’t exactly captivate me...

But then Victor starts playing 4D chess, and that’s where it gets good. And I thought, oh, I have to play 5D chess in order to see where this is going. Maybe even 6D chess. I have to consider all the possibilities. AND THEN. I GET COMPLETELY BLINDSIDED BY LUPIN PLAYING 10D CHESS. RIGHT AT THE END.

My god, I was so shook I couldn’t even speak for several minutes. I’m not even going to say the exact details because I don’t even want to spoil it. I have to reread this one at some point and see what it’ll feel like now, knowing what I know. I know the first half is boring af but that payoff... god, that payoff. A work of art.

Also, the name “Beamish” is so funny to me for some reason. Is that what French people think English surnames sound like? I mean, I don’t doubt that there is probably someone out there with that surname, and it certainly does sound English, but it also made me cackle like an idiot every time I read it. Like oh yeah that’s that English bloke, Beamish. BEAMISH. Why is it so funny to me

La Cagliostro se venge (The Countess of Cagliostro gets her revenge)

I liked this one. I thought it was going to shred my soul to ribbons but it actually ended up being surprisingly wholesome and nowhere near as angsty as I was expecting. Like, the beginning of the book even TELLS you it’s gonna get angsty, really building it up, ominous, like the opening to a horror movie, with all this “these poor happy characters have no idea of what they’re about to go through...” and then... Well, there’s death alright, but overall the book was just... fine. It wasn’t that dark lmao, no shocking angstfest

(And that’s not a bad thing! It was actually quite a pleasant surprise!)

Joséphine is dead in this one, which was sorta disappointing because I thought it would be fun (if very traumatic) for Raoul to see her again, but I do love that his reaction to finding out that she’s dead was “OH THANK GOD, I FRICKING HATED HER.” So iconic.

The thing about Félicien being his son... I do love that he swings between lowkey disliking him and suspecting him, and being proud of him in a “hell yeah that’s my boy!!” way, and he’s so awkward about being a dad and doesn’t even know if he’d be a good one, and in the end doesn��t even tell Félicien. It doesn’t have anywhere near the emotional impact or angst of Geneviève from 813 imo but it’s still pretty fun.

AND THEN THERE’S ROLANDE. She’s not a GOTW but she is one of the best Lupin girlies of all time. The fact that she managed to trick literally everyone, AND got her revenge on the bad guy without Lupin’s help or even knowledge, outsmarting him, masterminding the whole thing behind the scenes... She’s so cool. Rolande you’re so freaking cool. What an absolute ledge. Definitely one of the stand out parts of the book. I need to reread it at some point and focus specifically on her rather than being distracted by the Félicien stuff because WOW.

Les Milliards d’Arsène Lupin (The Billions of Arsène Lupin)

Oh my god I am trying so hard to recall what the actual plot of this book was because the only thing sticking in my brain is THE SCENE WHERE BÉCHOUX FOUGHT A TIGER. HE FOUGHT A FUCKING TIGER WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? WHAT EVEN WAS THAT??? AM I DREAMING??? DID THIS HAPPEN??? BÉCHOUX LITERALLY FOUGHT A LITERAL TIGER???????????

Okay but Béchoux being back was such a lovely surprise. He was quickly mentioned as being Lupin’s enemy, to which Lupin was immediately like “no the frick he isn’t???” and then he actually shows up, and Lupin is calling him “policier de mon cœur” and “Béchoux de mon cœur” and hitting on him... I’m not making this up. He literally calls him that. Like canonically. In the text. Openly.

And Béchoux is trying to catch him again and still does help him but also betrays him and LUPIN SETS A TIGER LOOSE ON HIM. IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. MONSIEUR LEBLANC HOW DID YOU EVEN THINK OF THIS, I JUST WANNA TALK

OKAy tiger aside, Béchoux aside...

I liked Patricia, I thought she was a really cool GOTW and has a great investigative streak, which was nice, although it would have been nicer for her if she could get on with that investigation without getting sexually assaulted every five minutes. Like seriously, what was with the creeps in this book? Leave her alone!!

Also her son is adorable and very cool. I wanna be like “are ya winning son?” at him.

Also there was the mafia. Lupin fights the mafia.

I’m so sorry, I’m really trying to remember other things about this book but that tiger has my entire brain in its teeth right now. She’s the best character. She’s out here living her best life. Here you dropped this queen 👑

Le Dernier Amour d’Arsène Lupin (The Last Love of Arsène Lupin)

(Now I know this one is sort of “unfinished” considering Leblanc didn’t get to fully edit it before he died, and it does feel rough around the edges compared to the other novels, so I’ll take that into account when Judging™ it.)

This one was sooooooo cute! Lupin has made it his life’s goal to help give education and opportunities to underprivileged children and to promote world peace! He’s so wonderfully hopeful and idealistic in this one! He even adopts two children! I guess he finally feels able to be a father, something he didn’t really feel that he could do before with Geneviève or Félicien? At first he was hesitant, not wanting them to see him as their father, but by the end he’s so fond of them and protective over them, they really have become his children and he properly adopts them... Anyway that was all very soft and fluffy and cute.

The children in question, Joséphin and Marie-Thérèse, are the best part of the book. Hands down. They’re so cool, doing all this sneaky spy stuff to help Lupin (or rather the captain “Cocorico” which is such a cute name wtf) and their sibling dynamic is adorable and they’re very brave and smart and are clearly learning a lot on the job. I’m very proud of them and so is Lupin. What an iconic brother-sister duo.

I like Cora, I think she’s cool. Considering the setting of the book is the early 1920s you can already see the shifts in attitude towards the social mobility and freedom of women compared with earlier books, as well as a shift away from strict classism, and Cora feels somewhat more “modern” in that sense -- she wants to be friends with who she wants, she doesn’t care for what appears “proper” or “respectable” to high society.

That being said I had absolutely zero interest in her love story with Lupin. I’m so sorry but it was just so boring. Their love for each other could have been platonic and it wouldn’t change a single thing and would have fit a lot better, in my humble onion. Seriously, for a story literally called “Le Dernier Amour d’Arsène Lupin” I sure don’t care about said amour. Bro, you’ve already fallen in love a million times, this one is no different, she’ll be gone in a year or two just like the rest before her, she’s too young for you anyway, like who even cares at this point...

(Also, once again, can the GOTW go five hecking minutes without some creep trying to sexually assault her?? Like I know casual sexism is to be expected from books written so long ago but damn... I’m glad the kids got revenge on Carbett for her.)

It was fun to see the kids talking in more modern-sounding French and more slang, rather than the very Belle-Époque vibes the books usually have, that was pretty cool and really did cement the fact that time has passed and this truly is the LAST book.

The mystery wasn’t that great and the climax felt underwhelming, but tbh I’ll chalk that up to this manuscript being essentially a draft, since I’m sure it would’ve been more exciting and interesting had Leblanc had the time to rework it. All in all a nice end to the series though!

#arsène lupin #phew i finally did it #i'm so obsessed with him it makes me look stupid #random stuff #now i'm off to eat some lunch

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