#random but i am so fucking sick of christmas

[whisp3roftheheart]

you know what bugs me? I am not that interesting yet I have people pursuing me when I don't want anyone to!! Leave me alone!! Please! I am not that interesting I am so boring! My two favorite things are theology and the muppets/puppetry I promise I'm not very fascinating.

[gatorbites-imagines]

I am absolutely IN LOVE with the Gambit x sea monster mutant you did. Sea monster stories are my favorite thing EVER and it got me thinking about random little tidbits of Remy and leviathan’s life that I wanted to share

The first time Remy sees the sea serpent form he’s definitely a little scared and maybe a bit horny because hot DAMN. I can see him having a huge fixation on leviathan’s teeth, whether it’s the huge fucking chompers that could snap his spine in half or the human sized teeth that are a bit sharper than they should be

Remy placing a cute kiss on leviathan’s cheek while he’s in serpent form. He’s much smaller than him and leviathan can barely feel it, but he loves the gesture

Sex is definitely something that takes a bit to get used to. Leviathan’s skin is tougher than most and the first few times they do it, Remy finds himself having to do something skin aftercare due to the scaly version of beard burn. While I LOVE the idea of bottom Remy, I REALLY love the idea of him being in control. Leviathan is powerful and often finds that people expect him to take on a more dominant role in every day life so he LOVES being able to trust Remy to take care of him. It also gives Remy a HUGE ego boost, knowing that leviathan has that trust in him

Leviathan telling Remy all about the different sea life he encounters

Someone asks Remy about his jewelry and he proudly says “my boyfriend made it”

Remy Lebeau x Mutant male reader

Headcanons

Part two to a thing I wrote a while ago, which you can find here.

Finaly went on Christmas break, so I can hopefully sleep off this sickness I’ve been dealing with all week. How’s everyone else doing?

I imagine the first time you discovered that you could turn into a serpent was an accident. It was sometime during your time apart, where Remy was an X-man, and you were… doing whatever you were doing.

Maybe it was even during a fight with good ol Namor, who was pissed about some other being, entering his territory, since you carry such a powerful aura. The fighting came to a stop when you turned into a massive serpent.

It probably didn’t help your case that your serpent form had some waterproof feathers and was pretty damn colorful underwater. Or the fact that you could make rain, rainbows, extreme storms, so on and so forth.

After that Namor seemed to just accept you as his “brother”, in his own way… he was and is an arrogant ass, but he’s cool, if hed just stop his people from trying to worship you. At least Namor turned out to be a great help when it came to mastering your new serpent form.

After all of this, and you finally feel comfortable with it, you finally show it to Remy. At some point when he’s taking a break from the team or he’s just got some time off, that he spends near the sea since it’s close to you.

At this point you two arent dating, so Remy is very thankful for his coat, since it helps him cover the very sudden heavy pressure between his thighs when he watches you transform.

It’s not his fault is almost erotic, to him at least. Just the way your body lengthens, your muscles stretch and twist, how your scales grow and spread, and feathers burst out. The huge teeth bigger than his own body also has a lot of blood rushing south, something he doesn’t feel interested in exploring why.

He blames it on it being you.

It’s a very comical sight to see you two together around Krakoa most days, since you are very comfortable in the serpent form. So, it’s just you bobbing around outside the island, with Remy riding on top of your head.

Anyone with eyesight good enough can see Remy regularly leaning down to kiss the top of your scaley head, or how he wraps himself in the giant feathers.

But people also know not to look too closely, since Remy likes to… sunbathe up there. Or he says it’s sunbathing. And most days it is, but other days… well, its likely that it isn’t sunscreen splattered across his chest, and his twitching body and flushed appearance doesn’t help.

You almost always dump him into the ocean before putting him back on land, since he likes chilling up there for very long, and will give himself heatstroke doing so. This is where your feathers help, since they act as a parasol or cover at times.

It’s not as if you can feel much of what he does up there, since he’s sitting on top of your head and outside your field of vision. But just knowing he’s there, and sometimes smelling his more intimate actions makes your blood rush.

Remy also always demands kisses before going on missions, or you leaving for longer periods of time. This is both in your serpent form and your more human form, you better kiss him enough to make up for all the kisses he’s gonna miss when you’re apart.

I don’t think Remy does a whole lot of topping in the relationship, since he gets real hot and bothered about how big you are and how much you fill him. But he does do a lot of power bottoming.

He will never hear you complain though, since it allows you to lay back and watch as that half feral haze falls over Remy’s face, and his movements get rough and needy.

Even better if you purr or growl, flashing your teeth at him so it “seems” like you’re not just laying back and being lazy. You both know logically you could very easily throw him off and overpower him, but it makes Remy feel really good to be on top, and you feel good too when he does it, so why not.

Remy is very saddened that he can’t leave hickeys on you though, thanks to your scales, healing factor and just you being sturdy in general. You guys can’t even go with something more extreme like using a knife or leaving scars, since it heals up.

The closest you guys have ever gotten to a lasting hickey on you was after Remy spent hours sucking and biting at the same spot on the front of your neck, on a spot of skin without scales, and that faded after an hour or so.

Remy ends up having to cope, which results in him drawing on you instead with markers. He even finds ones he can use on your scales, and ones in colors that almost look like bruises. It’s not the same but its good enough.

I get the feeling the x-men have met Namor at some point, or will in the future. They don’t get why he’s extra sassy towards Remy, until you casually mention knowing him and how you guys fight on the regular as a “bonding activity”.

Apparently Namor is just mad that you’re dating someone from the surface since they all suck in his eyes, but you couldn’t care less. You love your Cajun.

You end up having to draw a lot of the sea creatures you see, since cameras can’t stand the pressure or see in the same way as your eyes, so Remy has a lot of those drawings saved in a folder. Hes debated on getting one or two tattooed.

He doesn’t know too much about the ocean, even after you guys have been together for a while, since very little is known about the ocean, but hes always curious and ready to listen.

There being a whole ocean people did freak him out for a bit, because obviously there were. There were literally people from space, so why not in the ocean? Them wanting to worship you at least got a good laugh and some flirty jokes out of him.

Speaking of Namors people. They would treat Remy better than other surface people, especially if he’s wearing jewelry made from your scales and feathers. They still don’t really like him, but they respect you so…

Remy is also definingly the kind to always wear the stuff you make him, he’s got multiple sets and many different pieces of jewelry. The feathers are most colorful and fit any outfit, but there are also normal stud earrings made from an old scale.

Remy likes wearing stuff you make him. But you also like seeing him wear it, since it puts your mark on him even if you hadn’t thought about that at the time.

[systemadministratorclu]

Y'all, I just HAD to share this, because holy shit.

A little background first:

I run the drive-thru cash register window at a fast food joint. One of the shittiest jobs there is because some of the rudest/stupidest people on the planet come through the drive-thru, and one must have near superhuman patience to deal with it. That said, there are customers who come regularly and are not hard to deal with at all. And then there are some-very few and far between-that restore your faith in humanity a little every time they come.

This is about one such customer.

This guy comes every day at about the same time with his grandson (6 years old when this started, recently turned 7) and gets the exact same thing every time. To the point where now either I see their car or I hear the guy say his name (whichever happens first) and I'm already ringing them up. Because of this, the kid now thinks I have weirdly specific psychic powers, and has said he prefers coming to the place when I'm there. He's also decided I'm the best employee this place has. The granddad talks to me like I'm a human, they're always smiling and happy to see me (which means a lot in this line of work, let me tell you) and even on my shittiest days, they've managed to make me smile. I genuinely look forward to seeing these people every day.

Recently, grandson was hella excited to tell me he had a birthday coming up. Reminded me every day "my birthday's coming!" as most 6yo kids do.

Maybe I was feeling a little holiday spirit or something, but one day after work, I went to the Dollar Tree near the restaurant. I picked out a kid's birthday card and a Christmas card. I wrote a message in the Christmas one about what I just explained above, thanking them for bringing some joy to my days, because y'know what? People need to hear that shit. Especially in today's world. And I wanted them to know how much this meant to me. I wrote a little joke in the birthday card about not forgetting the day. Then I looked in my wallet, saw I had a $10 and a $1, and stuck the $10 in the birthday card. Addressed the birthday card to the kid and the Christmas one to kid and grandpa. I give the cards to them on their normal drive-thru visit. They are of course surprised (kid starts yelling "thank you" even though he hasn't gotten to open it yet) but thankful. Then the line moves on.

Fast forward to today.

I see the car come in but I don't start ringing the order up, because it's WAY early for them. I give my usual greeting, then I hear a woman's voice, so I think it's someone in the same kind of car. But when she asks "is this Hal?" I then realize it's the kid's mother, whom he has told all about me and who has come through with him before.

I say yes, and she tells me she's not here to order anything, just to see me, since kid and granddad are sick. I tell her to come on to the window, she does, and hands me a card and a nicely wrapped gift. I asked her to tell them hi for me, she said she would and then the line moved.

I got off on lunch break and opened card and gift.

I was not prepared. At all.

This is the gift...

...the card (no writing on the front).....

.....and the typed note inside the card that actually brought tears to my eyes.

......I'm still not over this. I will be thinking about how this went on for OVER HALF A FUCKING YEAR and I had no idea.

This is the kind of stuff that makes this shitty job worth it. People like this....We need more of in this world. I'm going to hold onto that note so when I feel like shit or I don't matter, I can look at it and know there's a kid out there who I am so important to that he got his dad to write a whole-ass letter, to some random stranger he only knows through his son, inviting me to their fucking house. I'm tearing up again as I write this, just thinking about it.

If that doesn't say "you matter", idk what does.

(And yes, I will go at some point, because how can I not? I'm not gonna dash this kid's hopes and make myself look like an enormous asshole. This is the RL version of being handed a toy phone and told it's ringing)

[tryingtofindava]

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐁𝐄𝐍 𝐃𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬*ೃ༄

: ̗̀➛Back to source

a/n: soz it takes awhile to get to the point mb.

It started off with you chatting with Clever Bot, innocent enough. You’d ask it random questions, it would ask you random questions. That went on for a few weeks.

Until the questions started getting more personal.

Asking you how your friends party was, or if you were okay after nicking your finger with the knife while chopping strawberries.

The bot even started calling you by your name, which you definitely hadn’t told it...

But in return it told you it’s name!!

He was called BEN.

That’s when you stopped using the site all together, not wanting to put up with the total bullshit this bot was putting you through.

Until the site started randomly popping up while you were using your devices, his messages it was sending you getting more condescending.

That’s the night he finally showed his face to you.

You were sitting on your apartments couch, watching some shit horror movie. When the screen started to get all glitchy.

That’s when the hand popped out.

ANYWAYS!!

Now you have this random dude in your apartment, and he’s messing around with everything he can get his hands on.

Saying shit like-

“It’s cool being in your room and not just seeing it through your laptop.”

Creepy… he’s very creepy.

Even though he doesn’t mean to be (most of the time…)

Oh well.

He lives with you now.

Well, he likes to think he does, it’s not exactly official.

He just eats your food, sleeps on your couch, plays your video games.

And you being… oddly chill about the whole thing? Icing on the cake.

About 2 months with him crashing at your place, he starts to open up a bit more.

And trust me, he’s an open book.

But the whole drowning thing?

That’s a touchy topic. But he (eventually) opened up about the whole thing.

NOW FINALLY TO THE DATING HEADCANONS.

He’s very flirty.

But his way of flirting is literally so cheesy.

“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”

“Hey, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?” (He does that anyways)

“Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material.”

Reallllll smooth, dude…

He flirts with you so much, that when he was genuinely taking interest and hinting at him liking you as more than friends?

that was difficult.

He dug himself his own grave. (again.)

It all clicked for you one day when you (finally) started noticing the signs that, hey… he didn’t mean that as a joke.

Now it was either you, or the beachy haired goblin that had to make the first REAL MOVE.

So, you finally grew a pair of balls and asked him out.

(He said yeah obviously.)

THE FIRST DATE WAS LITERALLY SO CUTE I’M FROTHING AT THE MOUTH.

like, I want to have a fucking Stardew Valley date. (srsly someone take me on a stardew valley date.)

Matching spider-man and hello kitty pyjama bottoms🔛🔝

Without a doubt he’s a stoner, so you guys get high and talk about the Five Nights at Freddy’s timeline & lore.

He’s obsessed w you.

You two making like rlly bad jokes and full on laughing, no not even laughing, snorting AND cackling w/ each other. (he laughs like Arthur from Arthur’s Christmas😭)

I am 100% convinced he’s named a wolf on Minecraft after you.

Speaking of Minecraft…

He’s a slut for putting your Minecraft beds together. He fr acts like you two don’t share a bed already.

You have to deadass bully him to take a shower. (bcs his just putting on the strongest men’s deodorant doesn’t work)

THIS IS SO RANDOM BUT HE’S LITERALLY OBSESSED W THE HUNGER GAMES.

Like, you two be binge watching that every 2 months.

He teases the shit outta you btw.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET CLINGY.

“God, you remind me of Moon Children.” Then he casually leaves the room, leaving you to wonder what tf Moon Children are.

His sleeping schedule is so fucked, that he goes to sleep at like 5AM and wakes up at 3PM. And he gets up from bed a lot during the night to randomly do something.

When he’s sick his voice is glitchy. (AND SOUNDS LIKE BABY JUSTIN BIEBER) What a combo.

He’s one touchy mf.

His hands ALWAYS have to be on you, around your shoulder, on your thigh, anywhere you’re comfortable with. (but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t push his limits.)

He spams you all day long, sending you out dated memes, or just sending videos of cats.

Since I’m running out of ideas I’d say the relationship is a solid 8/10. (abducting two points bcs he pulls the stupidest ‘pranks’)

✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

✨Weekly Tag Wednesday✨

hey buds @jrooc @stocious @creepkinginc @energievie and @femboymilkovich

Name: Gigi

Age: 25

Shower or bath: Shower for everyday cleaning obviously but I love watching a movie in a hot bath

Weirdest snack you've had recently: I'm currently drinking a massive mango smoothie bc i wanted to get rid of the mango in my freezer and I am shivering through it

Favourite food right now: I've been making some killer warm salads lately, also herloom tomato tarts

Favourite song this week: Bitch im from the L.A.nd (barely but it counts when i listen to this album and watch the dodgers win)

What're you reading right now? My life in France by Julia Child. So charming and lovely I adore her. It's such a great look at her passion and dedication and life in post-war france

First association when you hear Shameless: the Chicago of it all.

Random Gallavich thing you have: Paintings which are soon being entrusted with the United States Postal Service to get flung all over the world to some of you lovely people

Favourite Band right now: Horse Jumper of Love

Do you have any holiday 🎄parties 🕎 coming up? Yeah, but I can't go to most of them bc I'm leaving the city early for Christmas. I'll be partying it up canadian style (in my cousins garage) then flying back to NYC and new years party hopping

Any you actually want to go to? yeah, I love holiday parties bc i use it as an excuse to dress like Rooney Mara in Carol

Do you like this time of year or hate it? I like it but i think we should all calm down about the holidays a little and they'd be more fun. Also bring that sun back out here why the fuck is it bedtime at 4:30pm

Favourite thing this time of year: Ice skating, snow hopefully, the quietness of it, cozy dark death and rot vibes

tagging:

 @mmmichyyy @iansw0rld @blue-disco-lights @lingy910y

@gallawitchxx @catgrassplantdad @callivich @firendeavor

@atthedugouts   @ian-galagher @francesrose3 @deedala

@heymrspatel @solitarycreaturesthey  @softmick 

@mickeym4ndy @sickness-health-all-that-shit

[caretakernick]

RANDOM WRIOTHESLEY RENDER BC I STILL LOVE HIMM

BUT Artist Update, I usually try to upload every week, wtf happened these past three weeks that I didn't upload? Well first of all, I got sick before Christmas and luckily I felt better on Christmas! But for the two days I felt fine, I suddenly got a fucking kidney stone for no reason so I had to deal with that shit and I still am- 0/10 would not recommend

But I'm okay atm and I'm getting back into the flow of creating once again and I'm currently working on a reference for Roxanne Wolf, so expect that soon :D

Hopefully y'all had a good year and a good new years day, Happy 2025!

Model, 观海子/Hoyoverse

Shader, Manashiku Effects, o_SelfOverlay/o_Diffusion/HgDiffusion/LightBloom

[raging-feminism]

Hello, I am a 13 year old girl living in 2023, I’ve always been passionate about feminism and equality. I honestly just want everyone to get along, but I know that’s not happening, so I’d just like to use this blog as a way sexism has affected me as a girl in society now, thank you.

Ever since I was little gender norms have been pushed down my throat, I’ve been bullied all my life, and sometimes it would end in violence towards me. If a boy were to hit me, shove me, grope me, harass me, constantly call me slurs, online bully me, etc, I was told it was just boys being boys, and that they liked me. Whenever I would say anything to anyone I would be called a snitch, or a prude. A nagger. Love that for me! I’ve always wondered how boys harassing me every day of my life, calling my the r slur and a lesbo, telling me I should slit my wrists, saying I deserved to be raped for the way I dressed or the way I talked, was just boys being boys.

I remember when I was 8 years old, there was this one kid that would not leave me alone, I was in 3rd grade at the time. Everytime we had partner work it would be “Boys, pick a girl to work with.” He always chose me, it was 3rd grade, we all were and still are young, there were a bunch of blocks in a bin in the back of the classroom. He would sit me behind a table and throw blocks at me while I did his work. I didn’t tell the teacher for 4 months, when I told her the response I got was “He must like you! Isn’t that adorable?” I still remember the way she looked at me in awe, after I literally came to her crying with bruises all over my legs and arms.

2 nights ago, my parents had a Christmas party. They wouldn’t let me stay in my room, but I have severe anxiety and panic disorder, and find it hard to be around people. I was kinda just sitting on my couch the whole time. My neighbors son is 10 years old. He kept sitting down on the couch with me, which was awkward and scary for me, but I didn’t do anything because it was just a normal human interaction I can barely handle. He kept getting closer, eventually he just kept groping my tits. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn’t so I just got up and hung out with my friends and some other random kids and neighbors, everyone got really energetic and it made me anxious, so I left again. At this point my neighbor had groped me about 7 times that night, he came up to me on the couch and started humping my leg, I kept moving but he just kept getting up on my knee and humping me. I get he’s 10, but it’s nasty. I told my dad, his response? He laughed and said “isn’t he a fucking rizzler? Gonna get all the girls when he’s older, lighten up. He doesn’t mean anything by it.” When I get really anxious I get physically sick, I threw up in the bathroom and stayed there until our neighbors left. I love my neighbors, the mom and two daughters are so sweet, and I don’t want to hate the son, but I do. The dad is a genuine criminal and is on the run from the police at the moment, I’ll probably get into that and what he’s done to me in another post. This is all im writing for now. If you read this, thank you. Please be honest, am I overreacting?

[bingbongsupremacy]

Snow Storm

Pairing: Ellie Williams x Reader

Warnings: I didn't know how to end so yeah.

Summary: You and Ellie have hated each other for years. Will one snowy night change that?

* Not Proof Read * TLOU Masterlist

*****

" Are you kidding me, Dina? " I huff in annoyance. " We fucking hate each other. You couldn't have asked literally anyone else? "

Dina rolls her eyes. " It's not my fault your fucking brother got me sick. And I tried. Big surprise, no one wants to patrol on Christmas. "

I let out a sigh. " Fine, whatever. Just...get better. I'll see you later. " Muddy snow crunches under my boots as I make my way through the streets of Jackson. Not many people are out today, most deciding to stay home with their families. As I near the stables, I see her.

" Well well, look who decided to be on time today. " Ellie smirks while adjusting her pack onto Shimmer.

" Oh fuck you. It was one time and I was like five minutes late. " I shove my pack onto my horse, Posey, and jump up.

" Somebody's still a bitch. " Ellie mutters.

" You're one to talk. You literally always start it. " I direct Posey towards the gates.

Ellie scoffs. " Sure. "

" Let's just not talk, alright? Neither of us wants to be here. The faster we get this shit done, the faster we can both go home. "

" Deal. "

*****

" For the last time, Y/N, we can't make it back to Jackson in this weather. We have to wait it out! " Ellie shouts over the raging snow storm. " You know what, if you want to go, go! I'm not fucking dying because you're too impatient to wait this out. " Ellie turns her horse towards the nearest building.

I guess she's right. I mean, the storm doesn't look like it's going to die down anytime soon and I have no fucking idea where I am. We have to be at least an hour or two away from Jackson. There's no way I'd make it back. I can barely see my hands.

With an annoyed groan, I turn my horse towards the direction Ellie went. I jump down and ignore Ellie's smirk.

" I see someone came to their senses. "

I don't bother responding, instead yanking down the garage door. I turn on my flash light and slowly walk into the dark house. " You get left. " I whisper to Ellie, who nods.

Once we finish searching the house, we end up finding ourselves both in the living room.

" I'll see if I can get a fire started. " Ellie begins throwing random things into the fireplace and attempting to light a fire. A small orange flame forms, quickly engulfing everything in the chimney. A warm light is cast through the room, making it feel less intimidating.

A sharp pain startles me. I let out a gasp and reach towards my side. A wet, sticky liquid coats my cold hand. " Shit. "

Ellie's head snaps towards me. " You-Fuck what the hell happened? " She stands up from her crouching position and walks towards me.

" It's not that bad. I must've got it when we were running from the infected. I didn't even notice. " I hiss slightly while gently lifting up the corner of my now blood covered shirt. " Maybe a little more than a scratch. " My eyes widen at the jagged cut. I start to feel a little bit woozy at the sight of the crimson liquid. Shit, I'm fine with blood as long as it isn't mine. I wobble slightly from the image.

Ellie rushes towards me, grabbing onto my waist. " Fuck, be careful. " She slowly leads me towards an old couch near the fire.

The feel of her rough hands sends butterflies tumbling through my stomach. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her attractive.

The feeling of disappointment settles on me as soon as she lets go.

Ellie wouldn't like me back. We fucking hate each other.

Right?

Then why is she helping me?

Ellie digs through her pack for a small box. She pulls out a small bottle of alcohol, a needle, and some thread. " Not gonna lie, this is going to hurt like hell. "

I nod. " Just hurry. "

I clench my teeth as her cold hands touch my bare skin. She pours a little bit of the alcohol on my cut. " Mother fucker. " I hiss while shoving my nails into my fists.

Ellie quickly begins sewing up the cut. Her face is full of concentration.

When Ellie finishes, I let out a sigh and drop my head against the couch.

" I'd definitely get that checked out when we get back, but it'll do for now. "

I send her a tired smile. " Thanks. "

She nods and packs away the kit.

We sit in a heavy silence for what seems like hours until Ellie finally breaks it.

" Why do we do this? "

I turn my head over to her. " Because people will die if we don't patrol? " I ask in confusion.

Ellie shakes her head. Strands of her hair falls into her face, casting a slight shadow on her rosy cheeks. " No, not that. This. " She gestures at us. " Why are we such assholes to each other? "

I take a moment to think. Honestly...I'm not sure. " It's because...I think...I don't know. " I shrug. " I just remember us not liking each other since the day you showed up in Jackson. That was so long ago...I can't even remember. "

Ellie lets out a slight chuckle. " I don't remember either. God we're fucking idiots. "

I roll my eyes with a grin. " Yeah we are. "

" Why don't we...start over? " Ellie suggests. " Minus the enemy parts. "

I nod. " Let's do that. "

Ellie holds out her hand with a grin. " I'm Ellie. Nice to meet you. "

My hand encloses hers. " I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you too. "

Hopefully this time will be better.

[killiansprincss]

Nobody gets me like you - a CS Secret Santa gift

Merry Christmas @captainodonoghue , I am your @cssecretsanta2020 2024! It's been great getting to know you and I hope you enjoy your fic! It’s filled with sad angsty killian!

Thanks to @brucethegirl for being an incredible beta, for your intense editing on Christmas Eve night and also being there to listen to my rambles about my ideas and what would make most sense!

Summary: Emma Swan is single again for the holiday. Sick of her brother trying to set her up she enlists the help of best friend Killian Jones to be her fake boyfriend. What happens when the liens between friendship begin to blur and Emma begins questioning their relationship

Rated E for smut

Link to AO3

Emma turned 30 two months ago. She was in no rush to be married by now. So why did it bother her so much when she opened up her Instagram and saw yet another girl she went to high school with announcing her engagement, ‘Best christmas present santa ever got me’ ugh. The holidays were going to be a nightmare for cringey announcements like this.

“So I had a really great time, you uh wanna come back to mine?” Emma forgot for a second she was meant to be on a first date, this one from another app she spent far too much time on.

From his profile, he was nice, he had a good job, and nice hair. No holding a fish which was always a bonus. But he was just so, well, boring. He talked about his job non stop, something to do with either finance or consulting or business management. He worked at one of the largest firms in Manhattan as if that was meant to mean anything to her. But in the hour they’d been having drinks, he’d not asked a single thing about her or her life, and Emma doubts it’s because he knows everything about her already considering she keeps her dating profile pretty basic.

“Sorry I would but I have an early shift tomorrow. I’ll text you.” She has no intention of texting him, he’ll probably have forgotten her name by the time he gets home.

She opens her uber app once she’s outside the bar and of course there are no drivers nearby for 40 minutes. Great. As she’s about to go down the subway her phone lights up and her plans for the night change.

‘How fast can you get to O’Malleys?’

‘Give me 15 minutes. Make sure there's a martini with my name on it.

Killian. Her best friend since she was 14. The two of them both moved to the city after high school, Kilian went to NYU and is a high school history teacher, Emma tried college for a semester but dropped out, and now works in bail bonds. They’ve kept up their friendship for so long and Emma can’t imagine her life without him. Tonight was one of the many times they’d meet up after a horrible first date, they were both extremely unlucky in the romance department.

“Swan.” Emma gets to the bar in less than 15 minutes and sees Killian sitting at their usual spot with her drink waiting for her.

“So, what was wrong with her tonight? Vegan?” She guesses, “No gotta be a catfish, her profile said she was a scandinavian model but her photos were taken from some random instagram model?”

Killian smirks at her guesses. “She wasn’t…” He pauses to take a sip of his beer, “She was nice, but something was missing, I don’t know. And she was funny about my hand I guess.” Killian lost his hand a few years ago when he was in an accident with his brother, Killian was lucky to get away with just a missing hand.

“Well she’s a jackass. She might have gotten on with my date he was shallow as fuck too. I should’ve gone home and binged the rest of Love Island, given that Austin seemed only interested in talking about himself.”

Killian shakes his head, “rookie mistake, letting a beautiful girl sit there whilst you talk about yourself incessantly.”

Killian was a notorious flirt, he could get any girl he wanted. Dark hair, blue eyes and a hot accent, Emma never understood why he had such trouble with dating.

They chat about their failed dates some more, and talk about work. It was nice that she didn't need to be anyone uber successful around Killian, she could just be her normal broke self with a crappy apartment and a junk food addiction.

“So I got my invite to your brother's annual Christmas party the other day.”

Emma groans, “Don’t remind me of that please.” Emma’s older brother David was the epitome of perfect white picket fence life. He married his childhood sweetheart in an adorable backyard wedding and is sheriff of their small town. She loved her brother dearly, but hated how much his life was perfect and that he expected the same of her. Every year he throws a huge Christmas party and invites all their friends and family, which is a large percentage of their small town. But every year except one she has turned up single, and her brother would ask why and try and set her up which she always turns down.

“At least you still have a brother.” Killian mumbles under his breath. Killian had never really been the same since the accident, they’d had a huge fight with their alcoholic father and the roads were icy. Liam shouldn’t have been driving, he was in no state to drive and unfortunately they got hit.

“Well if you need me to help you fight your dad, I can do that.” Emma offers with a smile, she saw first hand how broken Killian was when Liam died. Liam practically raised Killian with their dad being an alcoholic who resented Killian, Liam was the perfect son and for some reason when their father would get drunk, he’d take his anger out on Killian.

“Thanks Swan, but I don’t know if I’m going to come this year.” Christmas was hard for Killian, especially given Liam died on Christmas Eve.

“No. Killian you have to come.” She grabs his arm and gives him her best puppy dog eyes. “I can’t survive the holidays alone with my brother trying to set me up.” Emma pauses for a second debating if she should share her sudden thought.

Unfortunately Kilian could read her like an open book, “Swan. I know that look.”

‘Hear me out.” She says and Killian groans at whatever this new idea was. “You be my fake boyfriend for the holidays. Think about it, it means my brother won’t be setting me up with anyone, and people will leave you alone and not ask you the dreaded ‘how are you feeling’ questions because you’re obviously happily moved on with your girlfriend.”

“Swan, you’re a bloody lunatic.”

“It’s only until New Years. It can work in both our favour. Think about it.” Emma had a way about her that made it so difficult for Killian to say no to her.

“I’ll think about it.” He promises and Emma smiles knowing she’d won.

____________

Emma’s in her apartment a couple days later, she’s just finished work and has changed into her comfiest pair of sweatpants that may or may not have a stain on them from when she was eating Chinese food last week. It’s been a long day and she was in no mood for drinks after work. She’s about to open up doordash when she hears a knock on her door.

She opens the door to find Killian on the other side, a massive box of pizza. “I’ll do it. I’ll be your fake boyfriend.”

Emma smiles brightly as she takes the pizza from his hands. She knew he would do this for her.

“We need some ground rules.” Killian tells her.

“I agree. We also need a story of how this happened. I’m thinking we ran into each other after we both had a bad first date, got talking and drinking and one thing led to another-“

Killian interrupts before she says any more “I’m gonna stop you there Swan. I’m not letting your brother believe I got you drunk and slept with you to trick you into going out with me. He’ll come for my head.”

Emma rolls her eyes, taking a sip of wine as Killian continues. “How about we simply decided we hated being single and went on a date and realised we’d been missing out by just being friends all these years.”

“You’re brilliant and I hate it.” She says. Her stubbornness couldn’t fault his idea. Her phone rings and she realises it’s her brother facetiming her. “Speak of the devil, now’s your chance to fake it, Jones.”

“Hey Emma, how’s my baby sister?” David says as she answers, she hated that he called her that.

“Your little sister is doing just fine.” She corrects, “I have food.” She holds up her slice of pizza. Her brother was a bit of a health nut, he and his wife were trying and failing to get pregnant so they were both trying all the remedies under the sun.

“Pizza? Really? I knew living in New York was rotting your brain.” He teases.

“Hey don’t blame Emma, mate.” Killian says from beside her and he pulls Emma’s phone to face him, “I’m the enabler. She’s had a shitty week at work and pizza is a comfort food, it’s healthy when you think about it.” For whatever reason her brother always liked Killian, saying he was a good influence on her.

“Killian! How are you man? Keeping my baby sister out of trouble?” It’s not unusual for Killian to be at her apartment, or for her to be as his, so David doesn’t question it at first. They catch up for a while, Killian tells David about his job and the kids he teaches, David’s wife is an elementary school teacher so they chat about the holidays and how some kids are off the rails this time of year.

“Is there any way I can convince you to come back for the holidays?” David asks and suddenly Emma is ready to spring back into action.

“Already convinced him. We’re coming home so you can expect a great Christmas Eve Party.” Emma snatches her phone back and puts her head on Killians shoulder for effect.

David doesn’t realise the implication at first and starts going on about how great it’ll be to see Killian again and how he can prepare the other guest bedroom. “No mate, Emma and I are together, so we’re coming together to your place.”

David is slow once again, “I heard. It’ll be so great. Oh Emma, I know you say you don’t want to but there’s this teacher Mary Margaret works with and he seems like a really great guy.”

“No. David, Killian and I are together, so we’ll be coming together.” She says once more.

“I heard you. I think it’s great you’re both coming.”

“Mate, she’s my girlfriend is what we’re trying to say.” Killian eventually interrupts, putting them both out of their misery.

“You’re serious? This isn’t a prank?” Her brother asks.

They both shake their heads, “I wouldn’t joke about dating your sister, mate.

Emma is worried about what he’s going to say, but eventually he’s gushing with happiness, “I’m so happy. I always thought you two would be so great together, but it never happened and I’d given up hope.”

Emma wasn’t shocked by his reaction. He would always pester her about why she and Killian were never together during high school, and when they went off to college together the pestering questions began again. Part of her wondered if this was a mistake. If her brother was so invested in their relationship, what would happen once they broke it off in the new year?

_________

Their flight from JFK into Maine gets them in at just after 3pm, they’d spent the hour flight going over ground rules on their relationship.

PDA - Emma was never a huge engager in PDA but they would also get suspicious if they barely touched one another. So small cheek or forehead kisses were okay. They weren’t horny teenagers.

No need to share a bed. Emma was always hosted in the large guest room, it was her room until she moved out and David would never dream of anyone else sleeping there when Emma was in town. In the room was a sofa by the window, they would alternate who gets the bed and who gets the sofa each night.

Keep the relationship casual. They haven’t been dating for too long so they don’t have plans to move in, get engaged or have kids. They’re having fun being together and that’s all it needs to be.

“You need to put your arm around me.” Emma whispers just as they’re about to go through the arrivals gate. “We need to look like a couple or else he’ll see right through the lie.”

Kilian wraps his arm around her waist and uses his free hand to carry both their suitcases as a good boyfriend would and Emma looks at her fake boyfriend with a smile. They had to get this right.

They walk through the gate like this, smiling at one another so they don’t even see David at first.

“Emma, how is my baby sister?” He asks, wrapping her a hug , “Killian, I’m glad you decided to come.”

“Hey mate, thanks for the invite. I couldn’t really say no to this one.” He says wrapping his arm around Emma once again.

“So, how long has this been going on? And why is now the first I’m hearing about it?” David asks as they walk out towards the car.

Emma glances a look at her fake boyfriend, he’s taken the bait. “It’s still kinda new. I thought you’d be happy. You keep asking me when I’m gonna meet someone and you like Killian.” She tries to keep it casual, she doesn’t want to make out like Kilian is the love of her life and break her family's hearts when she tells them they broke up.

“I am happy Emma. I’m thrilled actually! You two together, gosh it’s perfect. Mary Margaret was so excited when I told her.” Part of her wanted to believe her brother was happy about this relationship because she’d found someone, but part of her knew it was because it was Killian.

The drive from the airport to Storybrooke takes just over an hour, David asks questions about their new relationship, but he seems happy with the few details they provide. His main concerns are with Emma and how her job is going, if she’s eating well and her rent, he’d always been her big brother but a lot of the time he acted like a father. But Emma didn’t really mind. Soon enough they’re parked up in front of the house that Emma first felt at home in.

Walking through the doors into the familiar scent of Mary Margaret's cinnamon cookies baking in the oven, she’s reminded of the first day she walked through these halls, 14 years old, gangly and skinny with greasy hair and hungry. She’d never had a home that lasted more than a few months so as much as she wanted it to feel like home, she wasn’t going to get her hopes up. But then a few weeks turned into months and months into years and she was adopted when she turned 16. But Ruth and David loved her from the moment she turned up and she owed everything to them.

“Emma! There you are, come here I missed you” a voice from the kitchen says and out walks Mary Margaret with her pixie cut and warm heart that would make anyone feel calm. Mary Margaret and David were childhood sweethearts, so when Emma was around so was she. She was like a big sister, teaching her how to do makeup and helping braid her hair and was also a listening ear when she got a crush on a guy in her class, and then when Ruth got sick, she became like a mother.

“I missed you too.” Emma says as she hugs her, and she means it. This small town she grew up in was always going to be home.

Mary Margaret’s eyes land on Killian and she gives him a soft smile, her own mother died on Christmas when she was only 7, so she understands how difficult the holidays are for him. “I hear you’re joining our family at last.”

Killian looks like a deer in headlights, “I- uh- It’s still new with Emma. It’s not like I’ve proposed marriage.” He stumbles, “Not that marrying Emma would be a bad thing, she’s a great girl and I care about her.” He was struggling and Emma kind of enjoyed watching him suffer.

“I’m just teasing you, don't worry.” Mary Margaret says as her husband comes in the door. “You’re always welcome here and always a part of the family, whether you’re dating Emma or not. This one has a special knack for picking up strays.” She puts her hand on her husband’s chest, it was obvious to anyone the two were in love, had been since they were kids. Mary Margaret spent most of her time at David’s, especially when her father married a 20 something year old after her mother’s death.

Mary Margaret shows them to the guest room. Emma knew the two had been renovating the house and getting brand new furniture but what she wasn’t expecting was instead of the usual sofa by the window, there were now two armchairs and a bookshelf. The large queen sized bed in the middle of the room looked a lot smaller, too.

“I thought you said there was a sofa.” Killian says once Mary Margaret had left the room.

Emma sighs, “they’ve been redecorating. Guess they decided a sofa was unnecessary.” Rule 2. Damn it.

“I’ll take the floor.” Killian says.

“Absolutely not. It’s a big enough bed.” She tells him trying to convince herself more than him. “We just stick to our sides. No reason for it to get messy.”

—

Killian takes a shower first, leaving Emma to unpack and get her head screwed on. Dinner was just going to be the family, so it wasn’t going to be a huge event like the Christmas Eve party. It would just be the four of them and the grilling over their relationship would begin. She could handle it, they would work together.

“Sorry love, but do you know if there's a spare toothbrush anywhere? I thought I’d packed mine but it seems I forgot.” She turns around to tell Killian to check the drawer under the sink and is left speechless at the sight of Killian in just his towel, bare chest on show and the towel wrapped around his waist.

She’d seen Killian shirtless before, they’d been to the beach and she’d seen him running a few times with no shirt but something about this was different. His hair was still wet from the shower and she was very aware how naked he was under the towel, one wrong move and it could easily fall off and Emma’s mind wandered to what was underneath. She knew he was an attractive man, you’d be blind not to notice that, but he’d always been Killian-her best friend who had braces when she first met him and who had acne until he was out of his teens. He wasn’t meant to be, well, hot.

“Earth to Emma.” He says waving a hand in front of her face, hopefully unaware of where her mind was headed.

She managed to snap herself out of it, “right. Sorry, uh-bottom right cabinet under the sink.”

It was going to be a long week.

_____

Dinner was just the four of them at the house. It’s not a big deal, they’ve had dinner with her brother and sister-in-law many times over the years as friends. Except this time Killian presses a kiss to her cheek as they sit down and he pours her a glass of wine without her even asking. As far as fake boyfriends go he was pretty good.

“So how did you finally wear my sister down?” David asks, this conversation was inevitable, but they were prepared.

Killian smiles as he takes the lead, “Emma’s been my best friend for years and I don’t know what I’d do without her in my life. I mean I hope she thinks the same of me. I don’t think I’m ready to settle down just yet, but I’m so sick of dating apps, the girl seems nice but then I never hear from her again or I get stood up. I think Emma felt the same. So we went out on a practice date I guess to see how it went, and it wasn’t weird, it didn’t feel wrong, it felt like we were late to the game in just dating each other.”

Leaning into her role Emma adds, “He’s Killian. I’ve been on a ton of awful dates lately, but I know where I am with Killian.”

“It reminds me of when me and David started going out. Granted we were 14 and had no idea what we were doing. But being best friends with the person you spend your life with is the best thing.”

“We’re not getting married, this is still new. Don’t freak us out.” Emma scoffs, really hating how much they we loving this conversation.

“Maybe not. But we might be sitting here in a few years with a different situation.” Emma can only roll her eyes, this was a bad idea.

___

“I’m sorry about them. If I had known they’d be so excited about the thought of us together I would never have suggested it.” She says to Killian once they’re back in their room for the night.

“It’s fine, Swan. We make a good team, you and I. It's no wonder they love the idea of us together. Now are you sure about sharing as I can happily take the floor?”

It’s not that sharing a bed with Killian would be a bad thing, it’s that she’s not shared a bed with anyone when sex wasn’t involved. Even with Graham they were dating for about a year but she never just slept over in his bed. She’d done one night stands but she’d never woken up the next morning, she would get out there as soon as she was done. Sex wasn’t intimate, but sharing a bed, that was about as intimate as she could get. “It was my idea for you to be my fake boyfriend, I’m not letting you sleep on the floor.”

That night they go to sleep on their assigned sides and Emma sleeps well knowing their plan was working, her family believed their relationship and they just had to get through the next week. It was going to be fine.

Except it isn’t fine. When she wakes up Emma is aware of being warm, and becomes aware of two things:

Emma had managed to get herself entangled in Killians hold during the night, she was aware of his arm draped across her pulling her in close, so close she could feel his hot breath on the back of her neck

He was hard….

This was bad. Very bad

It was a natural reaction, it was just likely that Killian hadn’t gotten any action recently and his body just became familiar to a female body nearby, it didn’t mean anything, Killian wasn’t hard because of her.

Emma shifts herself slowly, not wanting to wake Killian. She just needed to move his arm from around her. She stops for a moment when she hears a soft grunt. “Mma.” Thinking nothing of it, she manages to move his arm and shift herself so she’s now facing him rather than being spooned by him and pretends to be asleep.

But that’s when the muttering begins again, “Emma.” It’s clear as day this time. He was dreaming about her, and he was hard. This was fine, again maybe he wasn’t having a sex dream maybe it was a perfectly normal, pretty platonic dream about her fighting an ogre or something.

She’s aware of Killian waking up but she keeps her eyes closed and pretends she’s still asleep just to avoid any awkwardness when he realises his situation. But then she feels his hand on her face and is aware of him pushing a piece of hair aside before she feels the bed dip where he’s gotten out. It was a strange thing to do but she doesn’t question it as he walks into the bathroom and she hears the shower.

Her mind is betraying her as she thinks about the past 5 minutes. Killian, her best friend and fake boyfriend woke up hard, was saying her name in his sleep and now the shower was on and there was a high chance he was letting off steam in the shower. Was he thinking about her when he rubbed his dick? Was he imagining it was her hand instead of his own? Did that get him off, thinking about her?

No. She shouldn’t be thinking like that. He was Killian, her best friend. She didn’t think about him like that, and he didn’t think of her like that. Unless he did and then Emma was royally screwed.

Breakfast is fine, maybe Emma is a little skittish when Killian hands her a mug of coffee and a bear claw but she claims she didn’t sleep well and he doesn’t question it. She needed to get laid in the new year, that was all it was.

The two are tasked with setting up the barn for the party tomorrow. David and Mary Margaret don’t have any animals, they always say it’s their long term plan, so for now they use the barn for parties such as this. So the flooring is fine, they just have to pick up some space heaters and finish up the decorations.

“I’ll go pick up the heaters, they’re at Granny’s and I want to catch up with Ruby so we’ll meet back here in an hour?” Emma suggests, she knows Killian would want to be alone and spend time at Liam’s grave since there won’t be much time tomorrow on the actual anniversary.

Granny’s diner was run by an old lady who somehow defies aging, it had the small town charm that a chain didn’t have and she missed it when she was in the city. Her granddaughter Ruby was one of Emma's closest friends when they were both in high school, Emma keeps in touch but it's never the same as seeing her in person.

“Emma Swan, you come home for Christmas and you don’t think to tell your best friend about your boyfriend?” Ruby was always one for dramatics.

She pulls her friend into a hug, “Hello to you too, Rubes. And I’ve been here less than 24 hours. How does everyone know about my relationship?” If it were a real relationship, Ruby would be one of the first people to know.

Ruby rolls her eyes, “You’ve become too accustomed to city life, you forget how fast news travels in a small town.”

“I was going to tell you, but then it all happened so fast and-“ she stops as she notices her friend couldn’t stop smiling. “Why are you smiling?”

“I’m happy for you Emma. I just can’t believe it's taken you this long to figure shit out with Killian. What happened that made you finally realise what you’d been missing?’

“This is why I didn’t want people knowing, my brother keeps acting like we’re going to get married. It's still new, I don’t know if it's because I didn’t tell my brother the truth that we actually got drunk and slept together and he was like really good in bed, like so good. We decided to test dating rather than an awkward friends-with-benefits situation. I don’t know what's going to happen to us in the future, but for now it's fun and not too serious.” Emma’s story was getting a little out of hand, but since this morning she had tried to stop thinking about Killians hard dick and how good it would feel inside her. She’d never given much thought to having sex with him until this morning.

“You and Killian are the opposite of fun and not too serious. He’s been in love with you since your first day here. He’s not going to run away unless you-”

“What do you mean? He hasn’t been in love with me since he was 15. That’s crap.” He wasn’t in love with her, she was determined.

“Killian was applying for Ivy Leagues, he probably got offers from Yale and Harvard, but he chose NYU because that’s where you wanted to go.”

“He told me NYU had a better history programme.” She remembers their conversation, she knew he was applying for a ton of schools and knew he was good enough to get into an Ivy League-but Killian was never about getting into the best school he just wanted to get away from his dad. “He’s not in love with me, he would’ve told me.”

Would he have told her though? They never seemed to be single at the same time. When Emma was 16 she started hanging around Neal, he was older and he seemed so cool to a foster kid who was used to stealing food to survive. He had his own studio apartment just outside of town and he always wore fancy clothes and bought Emma expensive gifts. He made her feel special, that was until he got caught stealing watches from a department store. Then when she was single during her first semester in college, that's when Killian got involved with his TA, she was older than him and Emma’s pretty sure she was married but she knew he was going through a pretty dark time in his life so she was not one to judge.

Then Emma started dating Graham, he was an NYPD cop she met doing bail bonds and for the next few years Killian was at college working on his degree, so they didn’t interact much. Their friendship took a back seat when they weren’t around one another every day or living 5 minutes from another. Emma was in a shitty studio apartment in Queens whereas Killian’s NYU residences were in Manhattan. Graham was nice but it just didn’t work out and when Emma got promoted and earned enough money to move to a nice one bed apartment in Brooklyn, Killian was burnt out after almost 5 years of studying and moved back to Storybrooke. That didn’t last long as he turned up at her apartment one night with a black eye and Emma didn’t have to ask who did that to him.

Their friendship could’ve easily taken a turn for something else that night, but it didn’t. Killian just broke down about losing Liam and how his father can’t stand the sight of him. That’s when Emma opened up about feeling alone and unloved until she was adopted and she finally had a family. They both had had a lot to drink but nothing happened, they fell asleep on the couch. So if it were going to happen, if Killian was going to admit how he felt surely it would be when he was pouring his heart out to her, right?

“For what it's worth, whether you believe he's in love with you or not, I think he’s good for you. You bring out the best in him, and he brings it out of you. Don’t scare him off, let him in.”

Ruby’s words are ringing in her head. Killian had been rock solid in her life. He was a constant reminder that people you cared about wouldn’t leave. Before she was adopted, she was in a foster family she thought really cared about her, they would talk about the trips they were taking, how the mom was going to the mall to get new clothes, but then the minute the social worker left Emma realised how wrong she was. She was used to people lying, leaving and she learnt to not get her hopes up or be excited about things, It took nearly a year for Ruth and David to finally break the walls she had up. Killian was the nerdy guy with braces who sat with her in math class and helped her find her way around the school, he sat with her at lunch and introduced her to Ruby.

Killian was her best friend. He was always there for her when she needed him. She broke up with Graham and then Killian would arrive with pizza in hand to cheer her up. She’d never really thought of him in a romantic or sexual setting before today. David and Mary Margaret were the prime example of marrying your best friend, so maybe being with Killian wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. She couldn’t stop thinking if Ruby was right and if he really was in love with her.

_____

David lent her his truck to pick up the heaters and the last of the decorations, when she parks in front of the barn she hears the radio station Killian always has on playing from the barn. She hears him singing along to the christmas song currently playing as a smile tugs at her lips.

“Nice singing, Jones.”

He stops in his tracks and his face turns red as he turns towards her. “Swan. Don’t sneak up on a man.”

The barn was partly converted from David and Mary Margaret’s wedding a few years back and a couple other people in town had since hired it out for their own wedding. Fairy lights hung from the ceiling down to the warm wooden floors which were decked with a gorgeous red carpet and tables along the back of the barn were dressed with red and green tablecloths and two large nutcrackers adorned the entryway. It looked like a winter wonderland already and Emma knew this was all her sister-in-law’s doing.

“Ruby says hi.” She says as she puts the heaters down, trying not to keep her friend's words in her head too much. “I assume Mary-Margaret left a very detailed list, so where do you want me?”

Killian holds up a list, a knowing smirk cursing his lips, of course there was a list. “She has left us in charge of the finishing touches. Add Red and Gold baubles to the tree, candy canes in the flower arrangements on every table, blankets on the porch. And my personal favourite.” He holds up a familiar looking berry flower. “mistletoe above the entryway.”

Emma rolls her eyes at her sister-in-law's ultra detailed list, she did not like leaving anything to chance. And she bets the mistletoe was David's idea before he knew about her and Killian, likely planning to trap her in an awkward situation with that teacher he’d mentioned. “You better stay away from me waving that in front of me.”

She expects Killian to put it back in the box, but instead he moves a few paces in front of her, “What will you do Swan? You know there’s a saying that if you refuse a kiss under the mistletoe you’ll be cursed to have no marriage proposals.” He was toeing a very dangerous line here and Emma knew she could easily walk away and he wouldn’t push her, but part of her was curious to see how far he was willing to go. There was nobody around except the two of them to force it.If she kissed him, it would be her decision alone.

“Who says I want a marriage proposal?” She was toying with him, she wanted to see if he was going to do what she thought.

He waves the leaves above his head and whispers, “It’s bad luck, Swan. You don’t want to be cursed.” And he leans in ever so slightly, waiting for her to make a move.

Her mind was racing. Killian was a flirt, he always was, and Emma always thought it was just in his nature, but with Ruby’s words still ringing in her head she was curious. Was this constant flirting a game or was he trying to make a move? Her mind wanders back to \ last night, seeing him dripping wet from the shower and then this morning. Was he a good kisser? What would happen if she did kiss him?

“I don’t want to be cursed.” She decides to hell with it and leans in closer, closing the gap and all of sudden her lips are on his.

She was kissing Killian. Killian, her best friend. Her fake boyfriend for the holidays. It shouldn’t feel this good. His lips are soft and she can taste the rum from the flask she knows he would’ve been drinking from at his brother's grave. His tongue is in her mouth and of course he’s a good kisser. She doesn’t know why she never thought about it before, and she can’t help but let out a moan at the way it felt.

They break away for a second, and look at one another, both understanding this was more than just a mistletoe kiss. This was wrong, everything in her knows this was wrong but she can’t help it. Killian drops the mistletoe and his mouth is on hers once again. Emma was a sensible girl 90% of the time but his lips tasted like danger and she was ready to let herself go to the dark side. His hand tangles in her hair and she can’t deny how good it feels.

They were well beyond the line of two friends pretending to date but while she was lost in the taste of his lips she couldn’t care. Hearing the way he moaned when her tongue explored his mouth, it was the hottest thing she’d ever known.

“Ahem.” They break apart at the sound of her brother's voice. “Mary Margaret sent me to see how you were doing, I think she’s stressed it’s not going to fit her vision.” Her brother was as red in the face as they were.They’d been caught making out like a bunch of teenagers and she was 30 years old for god's sake.

“Right, the tree needs the star. It's your party you should do the honours.” She backs away from Killian and doesn’t look him in the eye as she helps her brother with the finishing touches. They barely look at one another for the rest of the afternoon, and Killian resigns himself to looking over the table coverings.

They don’t bother to explain the mistletoe to David; it was clear they were having some alone time, who knows how it would have escalated. It should’ve been wrong, it was crossing a line. They had rules, clear rules about how to get through the holidays and Emma had broken them by kissing him. But she can’t deny how good it felt to kiss him and how she badly wants to do it again.

_____

Emma was on fire the entire afternoon. She couldn’t stop thinking about the taste of his lips and the way his body moved against hers. It was exciting and thrilling and Emma so desperately wanted to do it again. But she couldn’t. This was Killian, her best friend. She couldn’t face him without going bright red in the face.

She shoots Ruby a text seeing if she was free for a girls’ night. She needed to vent and Ruby owed Emma for the many times she had vented to her back in high school. Thankfully her friend is free so she shoots Killian a text so he doesn’t worry.

“I kissed him. It was meant to be a mistletoe kiss, something light hearted and unserious but god Killian knows how to kiss. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, which is wrong because this was all meant to be fake.” She says when she shows up at Ruby’s apartment with a takeout bag and wine in hand.

Ruby rightfully looks at Emma like she doesn’t have her head screwed on, “slow down. You kissed Killian, as in your boyfriend?”

Emma pours the two of them a glass of wine as she explains everything, from the decision to fake date for the holidays to how he woke up this morning leading to the kiss and finally how her head had been spiraling ever since Ruby said he’d been in love with her since high school.

Ruby takes another sip of wine as she tries to get her head around the story. “So he agreed to fake date you, with no promise of anything?”

Emma nods. “He took a day to mull it over but yeah he didn’t argue much.”

The brunette takes another swig of wine as she digests and collects her thoughts. “Emma, when you meet up with Killian in the city, what sort of things do you get up to?”

“I’m confused. What does this have to do with my feelings?” Emma asks, not sure where her friend was going with this.

“Just stick with me. What do you guys do?”

“Uh, we go out for drinks. We talk about our bad dating experiences. We go to the gym together sometimes or he’ll bring takeout to my apartment and we’ll watch a movie together.”

Ruby nods her head with a smile, clearly what Emma was saying was going along with the batshit theory in her head, “your ex. What did you guys do together? The cop-Graham, not that douchebag Neal.”

Still not sure where this was going Emma tells her, “We’d have dinner together, he’d come to my apartment or I’d go to his and watch a movie.” Slowly Emma understood where her friend was coming from. “Oh my god. Have I been dating Killian all these years?”

It all made sense. With the whole “Killian being in love with her all this time” it made sense why he spent so much time with her. But why not be honest with her? She knew feelings could complicate things but they told each other everything. “Was I that dumb this whole time?”

“That’s a question you gotta ask him.”

_____

It’s late when she gets back to the farmhouse. She doesn’t expect him to still be awake but he’s there on the armchair reading.

“Hey, how was Ruby?”

There are a million thoughts swirling around in her head, this was why she came back late, hoping she wouldn’t have to face him.

“She's Ruby. Terrible taste in relationships. She’s pretty sure the girl she’s been dating has been cheating on her.” The lie slips out easily, Ruby was known for having terrible relationships so Killian wouldn’t get suspicious. “How was your evening?”

“I had a run in with Brennan.” Killian had stopped referring to him as his father shortly after Liam died, and he went no contact with the older man.

“What happened?” Emma knew nothing good usually came from Killian talking to his father. He was a no-good drunk and blamed Killian for Liam's death.

“It was actually a good thing. I confronted him.” Killian looked very proud of himself, “I’d bottled up everything I felt for the man all these years. Even when Liam was alive I never felt like I was good enough, I pushed myself to work hard in school to get even a smidge of his attention and he never gave a damn. Liam was his perfect son, and in his eyes I killed him. He doesn’t even care that I lost my brother, he lost his son and that’s all he cares about. He didn’t bother to ask how I’m getting on with only having one hand because he doesn’t care. I don’t exist to him anymore. It used to bother me, but I realise I don’t care. Family isn’t about blood. You, Emma, more than anyone knows that. He doesn’t exist to me anymore and I’m okay with that.”

“I know Liam would be so proud of you.” Emma tells him, grabbing his hand and smiling wide. “And you’re right. Family isn’t about blood, but you’ve got David and Mary Margaret. And you have me.”

She loved him, she loved him as a friend and if she let herself she could probably fall in love with him. She just didn’t know if opening her heart would make it worse. Killian was fragile, he’d lost his brother way too young and what if they decided to date for real, and then it didn’t work out. Could they go back to being just friends after? She knew he didn’t have any friends or people he could rely on aside from her.

_____

The next morning Emma wakes up before Killian does, sunlight not yet setting in from the curtains. It was warm considering it was December. She notices the clock next to the bed says it’s just after 6am, and she was also aware of Killian’s warm body wrapped around her, it felt nice to bask in it for a few moments. She didn’t feel his hardness against her back this morning which saved her from another awkward moment, but his legs were intertwined with hers. She felt safe with Killian. She didn’t know what was going to happen after the holidays but for now she let herself fall back asleep wrapped in his arms.

When she wakes a couple hours later it’s 8.30am and Killian isn’t next to her, so she’s forced to get out of the warm bed and go downstairs alone for breakfast.

“Happy Christmas Eve!” Mary Margaret practically pounces on her when she walks down the stairs to the breakfast nook. It’s beautiful, what they’d done with the house. A fresh lick of white paint made the small wooden kitchen feel homey and large. It was the perfect family home and Emma knew any child with them as parents would be the luckiest child in the world.

Her sister-in-law explains the plan for the day. They had a few more decorations to be added to the barn, like the fake snow David was most excited for and of course the presents for the tree because he was one of those people who loved gift giving and spending far too much time and money getting the perfect gift for everyone.

Her first Christmas with David and Ruth she had been so afraid. She’d done Christmas before with a foster family and they’d spent so much of their time and money on their own kids, she was practically forgotten about. But Christmas morning, David woke Emma up with a stocking from ‘Santa’ and they went downstairs to open it up where Ruth was making eggs and toast. It was perfect. They made her feel so included and loved.

Every year after that David would give Emma a perfect gift, the first year after they adopted her it was a framed picture of the two of them with a cute saying about the love between a brother and a sister, it made Emma cry. He’d always make the extra effort so she felt included and she loved him for it.

____

Everything was in place for the party tonight, the barn looked exactly like the Pinterest board Mary Margaret was using as inspiration. She was actually excited for once.

She had come back to the house early to get ready for tonight, but there was just the small problem that she hadn’t stopped thinking about Killian and the things Ruby had said. When she woke this morning Killian’s hardness was not rubbing against her, but part of her wishes it was. He was driving her insane. She had never been this obsessed over a guy before. What was it about his blue eyes, and his accent, and the way he was a nice guy that did things to her.

Emma’s dress is a deep red colour, it was the perfect cut, showing just enough cleavage and her makeup is smoky, with a red lip to match. There was an issue though that she couldn’t do it up herself so she puts on her brave face and texts him.

‘Need help with my dress, please assist.’

She hears a knock not two minutes later and sees his head around the door, so she gestures for him to come in. He was dressed in his suit, all ready for tonight and Emma hated to admit it, but he looked hot.

“I can’t zip myself up.” She explains turning her back to him, holding the dress in place.

“A woman usually calls me to unzip her dress, not the other way round.” He says and she doesn’t need to see his face to know he was smirking. But still he manages to zip her up all the way, his hand lingering on the top of her back. She doesn’t move, as she feels the intensity of his hand lingering and suddenly becomes undone as he presses a kiss to her neck. She releases a groan.

At the sound of that he grabs her arm and pulls her around to face him and she takes the sudden opportunity to grab his face, bringing it towards her own and they waste no time in crashing lips together the way they had done before. His lips tasted of whiskey and sugar and it was the sweetest thing she’d ever tasted. It wasn’t long before his lips moved from hers to her neck, placing a kiss down the column of her neck causing her to arch her back.

“Minx.” He whispers in her ear and she can’t help the noise that comes out of her mouth.

She needs him more than she’s ever needed or wanted someone before. Her head was a minefield of feelings, she didn’t know what to think. But she knew this couldn’t go too far before they had a chance to actually speak. It takes everything in her to pull away from his kiss for more than a second.

“Killian.” She was trying to catch her breath, trying to sort her scrambled brain together. “We can’t. We have the party.” He was still kissing her neck and it would be so easy to say fuck the party and give in her to devilish desires to fuck him senselessly but no, David and Mary Margaret were expecting them and they’d worked so hard.

“Screw the party.” He says as he captures her lips again, and again she groans as she has to pull away for good.

“Easy tiger. Plenty of time for this later.” And she plans on revisiting this before the night is through.

The glint in his eyes is unlike anything she’d seen before, “you mean that?”

Emma kisses him again, “Definitely.”

___

David’s annual Christmas Eve party was a new tradition. It started after Ruth died. David had inherited the house and the barn and had no clue what to do with it, so he did what he did best and that was spend time with friends and family. And thus the annual Nolan Christmas Eve party was born. Given that everyone in this small town rarely left the small town, the guest list remained the same each year.

Practically everyone David went to high school with attended the party, he was well loved and as Sheriff of the town he was well respected. Mary Margaret was a 2nd grade teacher so she had parents of her kids come and celebrate. Even Snow's father and his wife would be in attendance as Snow didn’t like to cause a feud on Christmas.

It was a good excuse for people to get together, drink lots of alcohol and eat good food, especially as Ruby’s grandmother Granny was catering. At what must be almost 90 she was still a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen.

The barn looked beautiful, it was covered in fake snow and the eaves were covered in wreaths while flecks of gold and red shone through. Two large nutcrackers guarded the entryway where mistletoe hung to catch some unlucky couples and in the corner there was a large Christmas tree with presents that, knowing her brother, weren’t all fake. It was beautiful, there was no other way to describe it.

“This is incredible.” She says as she and Killian walk through the doors and she sees people in the midst of conversations.

Killian nodded in agreement. “Your brother knows how to throw a good party, I’ll give him that. Though nothing can beat the homecoming after party we had when he was out of town.”

Emma smiles at the memory. It was her first party where she felt free from Neal, she let herself have fun and yeah maybe she got too drunk for a 17 year old, but she had fun. She and Ruby belted their hearts out at karaoke and Killian was there holding her hair when she threw up in the bushes. It was right before Liam died so Liam picked Emma up with Killian who was in no fit state to drive either, he gave them water and made grilled cheese to help sober them both up before they went to sleep. She woke up the next morning with a mild hangover and Liam never said anything to David.

The two mingle for a while, catching up with school friends they’d not seen in a while. The handful of classmates who managed to get away from this town were also back from their respective cities, Boston or even as far as LA. It was nice to have an excuse to actually talk to people about their lives, instead of just stalking their social media pages.

“David and I would like to propose a toast.” Mary Margaret holds out her flute and raises it in the air towards their guests. “To friends, family. Friends who have become family,” she looks to where Emma and Killian are standing, “And most importantly, to the new family member who will be here next Christmas.” She holds a hand to her belly and everyone erupts. Emma has tears in her eyes at the thought of her brother becoming a father.

“I’m so happy for you both. I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby.” She hugs her brother, the tears still flowing.

“I hope you know this doesn’t mean we’re forgetting about you. You’ll always be my baby sister.” He holds the back of her head, the way he always used to when she was younger.

“I know you’re going to be a great father, you were an amazing big brother to me and this baby is so lucky.”

Her brother smiles widely at her, “You deserve happiness too, Emma. I’m glad you’ve opened your heart to Killian, I know it hasn’t been easy. But you’re surrounded by love.” She knows her brother is slightly drunk, he definitely needed that liquid courage for his announcement. “Killian has been pining for you for years, I don’t know what he said or did to make you take the plunge and go out with him, but I’m glad it worked. I’ve never seen you this happy, and you deserve this.”

Yeah, She needed to chat with Killian.

She finds him brooding in the corner nursing what she assumes is a rum and coke and his eyes light up when he sees her. “Congratulations on the niece or nephew, Swan. I gather your brother is excited?”

“Oh he’s excited for now but I know he’s going to be shitting himself in a month or two.” She laughs. David and Mary Margaret were going to be natural parents, but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to panic like crazy.

Things with Killian were just so easy. He knew exactly what to say, and she felt comfortable around him. She didn’t need to put on an act or pretend to be interested in something she really wasn’t. It’s one of the reasons why she and Graham broke up, he was really interested in politics and the justice system, and Emma felt like every date she had to research something to impress him and be prepared if he suddenly started complaining about a judge’s ruling. With Killian he didn’t care that she was clueless when it came to history, she knew enough and he was okay with that, she also didn’t mind when he would spend 20 minutes talking about the Romans and mythology, she would listen because he made it interesting. She knew he was a great teacher because of it.

“We need to talk.” she tells him, as fun as it was making out, she needed clarity. She didn’t want to be the one to break his heart.

They head outside to the back of the barn which had been the dedicated smoking area, with outdoor heaters and picnic benches.

“Are you in love with me?” She blurts out because she doesn’t know how else to phrase it.

Rightfully Killian is taken aback at the bluntness, “I - uh. Swan.”

Emma cringes at her outburst, she was making this harder than it needed to be. “I’m sorry, I’m not good at this. It’s just, my brother and Ruby have both told me how amazing it is that we’re together. Hell, tonight David said you’ve been pining for years and asked what it was that finally won me over.” She notices Killian getting redder the more she explains. “Ruby made me realise that we’ve been dating for years without even realising it. And I want you to know that was never my intention.”

“You never looked at me in high school probably because I was an acne ridden teenage boy with pretty horrible hygiene. Your attention was on an older guy in the wrong crowd who was cool and dangerous, but he broke your heart. You didn’t see me because my brother died and my father hated me, so how could you look at me and not pity me? You were the most beautiful girl in school, Emma. And I was so lucky you decided to be my friend. If you never loved me that would be okay, because you were my friend. Maybe I was foolish to think maybe one day you’d look at me as more than as a friend. I thought ‘Maybe if I buy her flowers when she’s upset and take her to dinner when her cop boyfriend broke up with her she’d look at me.’ But you never did.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She asks, voice breaking at the sudden admission.

“I guess I was afraid. I’d lost Liam, I lost my right hand. I didn’t want to lose you, Emma. After everything I’d lost, I still had my best friend and I think I’d break if I didn’t have you.”

“Killian. I’m sorry for asking you to be my fake boyfriend. It was stupid and if I knew how you felt- you must think I’m a horrible person.” She cringes, putting her face into her hands. She was a horrible person, she’d unknowingly taken advantage of a guy who's been in love with her for 15 years.

Killian takes her hands away from her face, forcing her to look at him. “Emma. I said yes because I wanted to help you, and you were right. It has stopped the pitying looks I would get. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with the mistletoe stuff and earlier, I didn’t think-“

Emma interrupts before he can continue “No, no you don’t have to apologise. I’m the one who made things worse by blurring the lines. I kissed you and then I felt confused because it felt so right but so wrong at the same time.”

“Swan, you don’t have to explain. We both got carried away, but I shouldn’t have put you in that position in the first place.”

“Killian. The past couple days have been so confusing, you’ve always been my best friend but you’ve never just been that, it’s always been more. And I think after a conversation with Ruby I realised maybe I’d been missing out by not dating you for real. I’m sorry for missing the signs all these years, but I never looked at you with pity. I’m a former foster kid who was attracted to danger and I made mistakes, and you lost your brother and protector way too young. Both of us are broken, but I feel like with you everything just makes sense.” She doesn’t know why she didn’t realise it sooner.

“Can I kiss you again, Emma?” He asks and she smiles at him, a true smile she reserves for only the special people in her life.

“Please do.” And he captures her lips, softly this time. It wasn’t quick and hard like the past couple of times, it was gently asking for permission to go further rather than demand it. It’s the way their first kiss should have gone.

_________

They were back at the house within minutes, trying not to make it too obvious what they were rushing back for, but for once Emma didn’t care what other people thought.

“Too many clothes.” She comments, hands palming the buttons of his shirt, he’d pulled his jacket off and thrown it on the floor as soon as they entered before diving right into her lips.

Killian makes quick work of the zip on her dress and it quickly falls to the floor as his kisses continue, from the corner of her lips to her ear and then down her neck as she unclasps her bra, tossing it across the room.

“Killian” she can’t help but moan as the pressure in her core intensifies, she feels herself getting wetter and wetter at every kiss. She needed more. His hand cups her left breast, and his cool touch is enough to harden her nipple alone but then his fingers rub and pinch whilst his mouth makes moves on her right.

“Please Killian. Please,” she never begged when she was with a guy, they didn’t usually spend as much time with foreplay, they went straight in. Not Killian though, he was special, this was different. He was worshipping her.

“What do you want, love?” He asks and she could come alone from that sultry voice.

“You. Please. Gods, I need you.”

The devilish grin on his face appears and his lips travel south down her naval where he presses another soft kiss above her belly button before moving down to her thighs where she knows her underwear was soaked. “All this for me?”

His hand touches the soaking wet fabric and there was no use lying about how desperate she was for him, not when she was moaning like a porn star. He pulls her panties down and his touch is electricHe teases her folds, gathering her wetness in his fingers and then brings it up to his mouth and licks his fingers, which Emma didn’t realise was a turn on until that moment.

He kisses her so she can taste herself on him and then his mouth is on her core again, his tongue lapping at her increasing wetness. She grabs at his hair, pulling him closer as the pressure intensifies. His tongue licks up and down and then he finds her clit and Emma was in heaven.

He slips a finger inside and she’s on fire, finding the right angle, he pumps his finger in and out until adding a second and she throws her head back, crying begging for more as he finger fucks her.

“Right there! Harder! Please!” She begged.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” He whispers and Emma knows deep down, maybe she has, too.

“Killian” she moans again, she was missing out all these years if sex with him was this good.

“You’re still wearing too many clothes.” She reaches out to unbutton his pants and she can already see pre cum leaking from his underwear. She knew he was going to be large but when she pulls his boxers down and sees him already hard and ready for her is something she was not prepared for.

Killian groans at the simple touch of her hand on his cock and she smiles knowing it was her turn to make him in pain. Her lips touch the tip, causing him to tense before she takes him in her mouth and bobs her head up and down, her hand taking over where she couldn’t fit anymore of him.

“Tell me what you want, love.” He asks in a breathy moan

“You. Inside me. Now.”

He flashes her a wicked grin and kisses her softly before lining himself up and guiding his cock into her, edging himself in slowly.

Emma feels a wave of euphoria at the feel of his cock in her, rolling her hips against him trying to find the perfect rhythm as he thrusts into her inch by inch.

“Swan, you feel so good.” He mumbles, hand in her hair and she could only groan in agreement, he felt so good.

“I’m so close.” She breathes as Killian thrusts some more and his thumb brushes over her throbbing clit and Emma can’t help but scream his name ‘Killian!’

The sound of Emma screaming his name is what causes Killian to release fully and Emma knows she’s never had an orgasm such as this before.

He kisses her softly and slowly again. A promise that this was not the first or last time they would do this to another’s bodies.

___

Christmas morning Emma wakes once again wrapped up in Killians arms and she lets herself enjoy it without the guilt because there was no going back now. Maybe her brother was right, and it had been Killian all along.

[pakeithpsy]

You know what, I'm just gonna fuckin say it (cw: Israel/Palestine, police brutality)

When one singular black person died y'all and the rest of the Social Media Warriors™ were out there rioting in the streets, smashing windows and setting fire to the establishment and attacking random passerby but when THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of Palestinians are dying your only solution is to yell "SWIPER NO SWIPING!" into the void on Not-Twitter and forcibly shove horrific, graphic images of human suffering down my throat while offering no actual solutions to prevent further atrocities from happening other than worthless boycotts of every single company in America that are all doomed to fail because it's basically public knowledge at this point that CEOs are vile, irredeemable filth obsessed with greed and will gladly lay off hundreds of their employees just so they and their shareholders can buy another yacht yet y'all seem to think we live in A Christmas Carol or Steven Universe where all it takes to convince heartless, selfish, genocidal monsters to change is to sing a dopey little song about "feewings" and they'll immediately see the error of their ways and repent.

You are not radicalizing anyone, you are desensitizing people by harassing us for not spending every waking moment of our lives watching death and destruction while giving us no sense of hope or ways to prevent this from happening. I know what's happening, I FUCKING HATE IT, IT'S DISGUSTING AND INHUMANE, but what am I supposed to do about it? It feels like nothing will actually help - boycotts will only punish innocent employees and rich assholes with way too much money can immediately undo all our hard work with the press of a button. It feels like we can't do anything to prevent this and anything we can do doesn't matter because we're trapped in late-stage capitalism where rich and powerful people can do whatever the hell they want as long as it benefits them personally, rest of the world or even basic human survival be DAMNED.

Happy fucking Independence Day. Probably the last one we're ever gonna have before congress brings back dictatorships and church and state. This country is a fucking embarrassment to humanity and you people are a bunch of hypocritical, self-righteous blowhards who don't believe any of the shit you actually say and only want to be on the "right side" of history to make yourself feel better about the fact that you've done nothing meaningful or worthwhile with your life and that we're all fucking doomed because we had to treat the 2016 election like a fucking reality show because the memes were too damn hilarious. What a sick joke. Australia has an arts program that is giving hundreds of struggling artists the funding and platform they need while our country is destroying all our breathable oxygen in the name of not having to pay artists. Fuck this country and especially fuck all you worthless loudmouths who have done nothing but spout meaningless words while refusing to take any action out of fear of scraping your knee. You've been shouting "FREE PALESTINE!" when all you really wanted was Free Attention. The pandemic was a sign from God that He was sick of our shit and we should have let Him finish us off before we could make things worse.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

11/24/23

Thank you to my employer for making me work today. No, they can fuck off. This used to be a nice weekend for me.

The corporate greed aspect is shitty- they have slowing been rolling back employee benefits. All the while trying to figure out ways to cut labor costs. Bots, outsourcing, etc.

Anyway.... as required, I have been working.

My holiday was quiet. I felt uninvited from the 1 Thanksgiving meal that I was invited to because I had a cold. I am in a weird mood about it.

I am in a weird mood about everything.

Staying home means- not needing to deal with other people's cooking. Not needing to deal with temptation. Not needing to try to guess and reorganize and replan everything.

I spent the day sleeping in, reading and putting up some Christmas decorations. 🎄

Book is: A Court of Thorns and Roses.

Random stuff:

I bought size 14 jeans off a lady. Like 7 or 8 pairs. I tried on 1 pair.

They fit.

They fit.

Here is the mindfuck. I do not feel any different. I still feel like I am doing the things that I have been doing forever.

But the results are coming so obviously I am being more successful.

But I feel the same size.

It is weird. I am in a weird place mentally.

Very lonely still. 🙁

But it feels like I am now avoiding people & their fucking comments more than anything.

I don't know what to do about it. It isn't like I want to be with someone else, I just. Idk, my mood is ....weird.

Standoffish.

Like if I wasn't good enough before, I just don't want it now. Attention/affection wise.

Maybe I am just a salty shit today.

The book has been good and I am looking forward to endless hours absorbed in it. It has been a good long while since a book series has grabbed my attention. Most recently is was probably The Shadow and Bone series and that was what? 2018? Sitting in my new apartment towards the end of my marriage.

So it feels like it is time for a new great enthralling series.

The depression feels better since I got the happylight. Still drinking get happy tea.

Being so sick again sucks. Fucking asthma. 😭

[lykegenia]

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovely person 🌹

I love your writing so much (your Nate! And Leah!) and am so happy you’ve started sharing more about Rhi and Mason as well. And whenever you share your thoughts, they are always so well-though out and interesting to read!

Here’s a romance-themed OC question for any OC(s) of your choosing (no pressure to answer on Valentine’s day itself, or at all):

What combination of random objects would your OC use to describe their LI? What do they represent? Bonus question: What would their LI use to describe them?

Dearest Nonny, you have no idea what a delight it was to wake up to this message this morning. Thank you so much for such kind words, it's one of the best feelings to know my characters are loved 🌹

For the OC question...

Objects Leah would use to describe Nate:

A fountain pen, but like, a really fancy one made of tortoiseshell and ebony and gold wire - not only do charming words seem to flow easily from him, but there's a certain elegance in his hands and a lightness of touch that matches the finesse required to use a fountain pen properly (she could never master it). It's also slightly old-fashioned, but there's potential for change as well with special inks or new designs like those glass nibs, which he would probably appreciate even if he was a bit dubious at first.

A cashmere blanket - soft and comforting and cozy (and expensive, because Nate would never compromise on quality). Something that she doesn't necessarily need or was missing before it came into her life, but woe betide you if you try to take it away from her. She's snuggled and comfortable now.

A star chart - not just for his naval background, or his penchant for deep thinking, but because people have always used the stars for guidance. She never really had a direction before UB came into her life, but now she does, and the feeling of looking up into the vastness of the night sky is very reminiscent of the rare mornings where she can wake up before Nate and watch him still sleeping.

Nate for Leah:

A (European) magpie feather - elegant but understated and unassuming, from an intelligent but often overlooked/maligned bird, until you look at it from the right angle and the plain black shimmers into brilliant irridescence. He once listened to her talk for an hour about how structural colours evolved in birds, and wishes she could appreciate that complex beauty in herself.

A lit candle - staring down the darkness of eternity often seemed unbearable at times. There were previous sparks, but nothing to provide the steady light that Leah provides him. The sweet smell of beeswax meant it was used to create church candles in the medieval period, and being close to her certainly feels holy, the flame bright and warm but with a bite if you're not careful. But at the same time, it's precious, because eventually the flame will burn down and go out, and the memory of it will be all that's left.

An arrow - it flies straight and true and pierces its quarry without mercy, and that's what Leah is like in the pursuit of justice. There are also so many stories where arrows are a symbol of devotion, from St Sebastian to Cupid, and he likes the imagery of himself as an Arthurian white stag finally brought down by a strike to the heart.

Bonus Mason and Rhi:

"What the fuck kind of question is that? Rhi's not an object, and if I wanted to describe her, I'd just say she's hot." "Charming." "Don't hear you contradicting me." "Well I know what kind of object you are." "Oh?" "You're one of those metal ring puzzles you get in Christmas crackers that are fun for the first few minutes before everyone gets sick of it." "I like to think it'd take more than a few minutes to get bored of playing with me, Sweetheart." "And you even come with a terrible joke - do not respond to that." "Wouldn't dream of it."

[dogmadiary]

Tightening Up a Story

So I’m sick again. Big surprise there! I couldn’t sleep for the life of me last night and I felt the moment it happened—my throat got a little dry out of nowhere and I was done for. I’ll be honest I saw this coming but I’m still mad about it.

As the new year has begun and I’ve spent more time alone drawing and thinking, I’ve considered picking up Anaphora 2 (title pending lol) again—I haven’t worked on it since before starting AKN, which was over a year ago 😵‍💫!!

My reluctance towards picking it back up comes partially from burnout, as well as some hesitation surrounding a certain reunion scene coming up fast..I worry I have a tendency to be a little too self indulgent with the more sentimental scenes (especially when it’s Martyn and Abraham :3). Certain current scene placements have me reconsidering a lot, which means much of the first draft for part 1 will have to change. This is both necessary and anticipated, but I suppose the concrete realization has come on a little quicker than I thought it would? Or maybe I was thinking I would get out of it easier.

Instead of denying myself opportunity and recognition to try and remain as humble and grounded as possible, I’ve tried to be a bit more self-congratulatory about A Killing Name in front of other people. I go to school with quite a few very talented and accomplished people, which I think has made me a little more eager to prove that I too am talented and accomplished—except I am making this decree to others without being 100% sure of it myself. All of this is to say that people are reading my book which is incredibly flattering and also existentially terrifying.

Knowing that those same talented and accomplished people were reading (examining? analyzing??? Criticizing!?!?) my work had me up at night unable to sleep—Christmas Eve and I am awake terrified because I probably should have cut Bijou and the sister subplot entirely because they amounted to essentially nothing and now people are reading the book and making their own conclusions about that.

Could I go and tighten up AKN right now? Yes I could. It would probably be easy, but like I said, I’m burnt out (which is also why you never see me drawing those guys. sorry everyone) and a little traumatized from repeatedly having to re-indent 70 pages worth of paragraphs after docs fucked me up the ass.

So what does this have to do with Anaphora?

After six years of on-and-off writing and constantly on-not-off thinking I am still not done with it or ready to be done with it like I am with AKN. I had a little bit of an epiphany regarding my favorite girl’s bg, and have started actively rewriting and rewiring certain things that will effect draft 2 of part one pretty significantly. I have learned my lesson! We need to get tight butthole here.

I would like to discuss some of these changes below, as they are not spoiling anything on a purely surface level.

So first and foremost, I am working on a soft redesign of the Heatherbeast. Most of the important things about it are remaining the same—still big and red like evil Clifford and still with the skinned face. Overall, I want their design to resemble a brown hyena more that the sort of large amalgamous (?) dog thing that they were.

Why? I think I remember describing it somewhere as looking like a bunch of random animal parts slapped together, which I think is exemplified more in this design than the previous, which looked too cohesive in the opposite direction. The brown hyena looks cohesive because of the fact that it does not. I much prefer basing the designs of mythical creatures upon real ones—I like tying it back to medieval bestiaries. Like you’re looking at something from far away. I think it fits in with the themes of monsters as evolution that comes up with the Bordeaux family, and it works as a nice parallel to Martyn’s hyena form, which is somewhat out of place with most of her ability drawing from/inspired by North American wildlife (and of course that parallel runs a little deeper than I will share here—just know that it is intentional). I also just Love the skinny striped legs..it feels very reminiscent of my design for Mordred (I would love to unpack my rationale behind all my dark tower designs and redesigns here one day cuz oh boy—but I digress).

Next…the ever present issue of Martyn’s custody arrangement. At least it has been very present to me—I love a good custody arrangement but I’m not sure how much of this I have actually ever discussed with people. This is because the custody arrangement—specifically between the ages of 13-18–had this weird sort of problem where I was balancing out the most formative years of Martyn’s life with characters who were, in the grand scheme of things, incredibly inconsequential and unimportant. This is, as I have only recently truly come to understand, a huge problem, because the characters who are responsible for Martyn’s Big Issue (iykyk) in part 2–characters who had custody over her during this period of 13-18–was an undeveloped, static couple who never actually appeared in the actual story.

The point of Anaphora to me is the interconnectedness of all of the characters. It is meant to be incredibly insular—and it pretty much is in all other areas. What I’m saying is that I have decided to cut out the couple (whose names I never even really solidified lmao). Now, after she is taken away from Abraham at age 13, Martyn is returned to her mother, Diana.

To the one maybe two people out there who are more intimately familiar with the lore, this is a huge change and raises some pretty intense implications surrounding Diana and Rose specifically (Rose plays a significantly large part in removing Martyn from Abraham’s custody)—but these are complications that I think fit their characters and conflicts very well.

This also, in my opinion, frames this period of Martyn’s life as being much darker than previously thought. Once again, I think it more appropriately matches the ensuing fallout around Martyn’s Big Issue a lot better—I don’t think it ever made much sense for two characters who Martyn was never emotionally connected to to have such a lasting effect on her. She strikes me as someone who only values others’ opinions of hers self when the others in question are people she cares about or feels connected to in some way. Idk, I feel like this rounds out Martyn’s conflict with Diana very nicely—it’s like full circle, which is very Anaphora.

Those more intimately aware of the Anaphora lore might also recall that Martyn was originally sent up north by her wards after they’d finally had enough of her. This occurs the summer before she is meant to start HS, at age 15. This still happens, at Diana’s will this time, but my plans around exactly where she is sent/what she is doing there are changing a bit. I have a good idea of what it is, but I’m hesitant to discuss it further as it is very grounded in some Real Life things and I want to make sure I am doing everything right and respectfully before I jump in.

Overall, I am attempting to make the entire story more grounded so to balance out the more fantastical elements. Don’t worry, the shapeshifters and reincarnation and weird dreamwalking is here to stay.

I’m sure a lot of this came off as gibberish—I am hoping to continue discussing my creative endeavors here so people can get a better idea of what the hell im talking about all the time.

If you read this far I’m kissing you. Thanks!!

[thessalian]

Thess vs Burnout

I should have booked my upcoming week off for next week, not the week after next. When booking at least 50% of my annual leave (which HR demanded we all do by the end of June, possibly to stop Scruffman taking random half-days with no notice whenever he feels like it), I knew I needed a break fairly soon but I wanted to give as much notice as possible. Thus, first week in July. But I underestimated how burned out I currently am and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this week, never mind next week. Yes, I know tomorrow’s Friday; the point stands.

That whole “Violet does the long typing and Temp does the short typing” deal is still affecting me in unfortunate ways. I mean, it’s bad enough that Violet only takes them one at a time and works at them at a snail’s pace, which means I get a lot of them regardless of the supposed deal. Thing is ... Violet is elderly and a bit fragile, health-wise. She winds up being out sick a fair bit. But when she’s away, does Temp go, “Well, the deal’s moot since Violet isn’t here; I guess I’d better do some of the longer typing”? NOPE. Which is what it looked like today. There were many, many long ones, all by people who have no idea how to format the damn things, who do the “Oh, hey, could you go back to the first bit and add an important thing I forgot?” thing in the middle of the block key, and who also have no idea how to make sure their recording equipment is in working order. Two of the trickier accents in the building and they fucked up a setting so that it was using the built-in mic on their computers rather than their headsets and it sounded like they were talking at me from one end of a long tin pipe half-blocked by a three-week-old athletic sock. The problem is that I know how Scruffman feels about this; he has made it perfectly clear how he feels about it. How he feels about it is, “As long as I don’t have to do anything”. He doesn’t want to have to talk to Temp about this. He doesn’t want to have to police Temp about it. Most of all, he doesn’t want to annoy the one who is actively in the office who might give him dirty looks about it. Meanwhile, I’m the one who can’t take this shit because of a physical disability, but since he doesn’t have to watch me suffer, it’s fine.

Of course, shit continues being shitty in the rest of the world. Turns out the “We’re going to halve inflation by December 2023″ bull Sunak was spewing awhile back is ... well, just that. Interest rates have gone up to 5%, and odds are good that they’ll be raised to 6% come Christmas. But none of this is going to hit up the rich people, because all they’re going to do is protect their bottom lines by fucking the rest of us over. Landlords aren’t going to tighten their belts and pay the extra on their mortgages out of pocket; they’re going to raise rents even higher than they already are. As for supermarkets ... well, since the triple-whammy of Brexit, Covid, and Ukraine, the cost of actually producing the food and getting it from point A to point B has reportedly gone down but the prices in the supermarkets keep going up. They say they’re raising interest rates and risking a recession because inflation is such a bad thing, and I keep wondering ... why are you not pointing at the people who are causing it? People decide what everything is worth, and when that starts going up further than it should, you have to start looking at the people who set the fucking prices. And all of their increases are in the wrong place. If they just paid decent wages, more people would be able to buy the things they’re offering, and ... I mean, selling cheaply to many is a tried and tested way of doing business. It’s not huge profits, but it’s enough to keep going. The problem is that profit is not enough for these people. They not only want HUGE PROFIT, they want HUGE PROFIT now and EVEN HUGER PROFIT next year and ever-increasing. So they feed inflation by raising their prices to insane degrees, particularly if it’s a needful like ...you know, food. Meanwhile, to make their profit margins look even better, they understaff their workplaces, and underpay those few overworked staff they have. So the interest rate shit is all on them. But there’s going to be no windfall tax on the wealthy because apparently “that’ll just make inflation increase more”. Which is actually honest, given that the wealthy would raise their prices even higher and say, “We had to do it because of how much you’re taxing us! We’re losing money!!!”

They’ll lose a lot more when we can no longer afford to buy their stuff.

So the summary is that I am entirely burned out and everything is pretty depressing and I should have booked my week off for next week but I have to get through one more week of Temp’s bullshit before I can get enough rest to face ... well, this mess.

[emma-radfemcanu]

Putting this in a 'Read More' link because it is a boring work rant and I just want to get it off my chest xxx

I do like my job enough most of the time but MY GOD I am so stressed at the moment. I cried about 3 times today because I'm just drowning (although tbf I am having a shitty week for other reasons) I am sick of higher ups making stupid plans, not rolling them out properly and then leaving us to sort out the mess

Just before Christmas the product team made a significant update to the platform used by customers to access the product, as well as the payment system. There have been a lot of 'teething issues' as they keep calling it- payments not being processed properly, bits of the product being completely inaccessible or not functioning... and yet they have pushed on anyway?

My team are the ones who have to answer all the customer queries about it except none of us have a clue what we're doing because the new platform is very user unfriendly (from our side) and we have had barely any training on it. There's a call next week called 'Introduction to *new platform*' and idk maybe it would have been a good idea to do that BEFORE IT LAUNCHED????

The worst part is that they made this update just before Christmas then all fucked off on holiday. So we had a huge increase of queries that we didn't know how to answer (which is not fair to us or the customers) and we couldn't even ask the responsible team because they had all disappeared. Why could it not have waited for a few weeks?

I think it will be ok once we're settled in but the rollout has been such a shitshow. It's only Friday evening and I am already dreading Monday (I don't usually get that feeling) because my manager keeps assigning me even more cases and I literally have about 100 in my queue already. I am doing my best please leave me alone!!!!!

It's not the first time either. A few months ago the same product team made a significant update to our payment system and we had no idea about it until it was released. Literally, the first we knew of it was a random email on a Thursday afternoon 'oh btw we've done this' me and my colleague had a WAIT WHAT moment because they didn't consult us or even tell us about it before

AARRGH I have just had enough. I don't want to do this job forever and this really has inspired me to start looking for something new... thing is I like my team and the company as a whole, I'd be happy to move internally. But idk I am just really struggling at the moment

[darlingcuntboy]

Merry Christmas! Hopefully you have a good day today!

On another note I see blackmail in your kinks. It’s been something that I enjoy thinking about, but I’m curious what about it you like? If you were going to do it how would you want that scene/interaction to go?

Merry Christmas dear anon :)

I think it's the potential manipulation of the whole thing, someone could make you do anything to keep your secrets or even your safety. Fear is also definitely an aspect I find appealing? Its kind of in the same vein as the whole rape kink thing. Not something you can necessarily predict.

Something about a bad, horny decision being held against me...I sent you nudes? A video of me fucking myself on some random object? Begged you to make me a victim, a girl, a dumb cunt? Threaten to tell people close to me how much of a sick and depraved pervert I am unless I give you something in return, make me dig myself a deeper hole, do worse and worse things to appease you for a minute, only to then hold that over my head? Yeah.

Or maybe you have my address. My personal details. I don't know how you found it. Threaten to put me in physical danger by posting it on forums and in chat rooms, plaster my face and my body everywhere so everyone knows that I fantasize about being made a rapetoy and being knocked up against my will. Tell me the only way you won't is if I do what you say (and maybe then make me your rapetoy instead).

Because sure, I could tell you to go to hell, block you and tell myself it was all talk - but what if it wasn't? What if you had screenshots and images saved and ready to be sent to anyone and everyone at the click of a button? What if my tits and my fucked out cunt are being shared to sick strangers? What if I forget to lock my window one night and wake up to someone abusing my sleeping body? How will I feel safe walking down the street when anyone at all could be one of those freaks?

What else am I supposed to do? Not obey? Not beg you to keep it to yourself? Stupidly offer up anything in return for your discretion?

But on a less horny note lol

I like the fantasy and reading about it but I don't think it's something I'd engage with people on unless I knew and trusted them to keep it just that - fantasy. My owner and I played with it once or twice, and it's something I kind of have to be in a certain headspace for because I do get paranoid, but fuck if it wasn't hot.

If anyone were to send me stuff on the topic, I don't think I'd be willing to engage in direct threats. That's where the need for me to trust someone really needs to exist. But sending concepts or your own fantasies would be entirely welcome, like hypothetical scenarios or "what if"s are totally fine!

Sorry that's a really long answer lmao