#random but i am so fucking sick of christmas

[whisp3roftheheart]

you know what bugs me? I am not that interesting yet I have people pursuing me when I don't want anyone to!! Leave me alone!! Please! I am not that interesting I am so boring! My two favorite things are theology and the muppets/puppetry I promise I'm not very fascinating.

[systemadministratorclu]

Y'all, I just HAD to share this, because holy shit.

A little background first:

I run the drive-thru cash register window at a fast food joint. One of the shittiest jobs there is because some of the rudest/stupidest people on the planet come through the drive-thru, and one must have near superhuman patience to deal with it. That said, there are customers who come regularly and are not hard to deal with at all. And then there are some-very few and far between-that restore your faith in humanity a little every time they come.

This is about one such customer.

This guy comes every day at about the same time with his grandson (6 years old when this started, recently turned 7) and gets the exact same thing every time. To the point where now either I see their car or I hear the guy say his name (whichever happens first) and I'm already ringing them up. Because of this, the kid now thinks I have weirdly specific psychic powers, and has said he prefers coming to the place when I'm there. He's also decided I'm the best employee this place has. The granddad talks to me like I'm a human, they're always smiling and happy to see me (which means a lot in this line of work, let me tell you) and even on my shittiest days, they've managed to make me smile. I genuinely look forward to seeing these people every day.

Recently, grandson was hella excited to tell me he had a birthday coming up. Reminded me every day "my birthday's coming!" as most 6yo kids do.

Maybe I was feeling a little holiday spirit or something, but one day after work, I went to the Dollar Tree near the restaurant. I picked out a kid's birthday card and a Christmas card. I wrote a message in the Christmas one about what I just explained above, thanking them for bringing some joy to my days, because y'know what? People need to hear that shit. Especially in today's world. And I wanted them to know how much this meant to me. I wrote a little joke in the birthday card about not forgetting the day. Then I looked in my wallet, saw I had a $10 and a $1, and stuck the $10 in the birthday card. Addressed the birthday card to the kid and the Christmas one to kid and grandpa. I give the cards to them on their normal drive-thru visit. They are of course surprised (kid starts yelling "thank you" even though he hasn't gotten to open it yet) but thankful. Then the line moves on.

Fast forward to today.

I see the car come in but I don't start ringing the order up, because it's WAY early for them. I give my usual greeting, then I hear a woman's voice, so I think it's someone in the same kind of car. But when she asks "is this Hal?" I then realize it's the kid's mother, whom he has told all about me and who has come through with him before.

I say yes, and she tells me she's not here to order anything, just to see me, since kid and granddad are sick. I tell her to come on to the window, she does, and hands me a card and a nicely wrapped gift. I asked her to tell them hi for me, she said she would and then the line moved.

I got off on lunch break and opened card and gift.

I was not prepared. At all.

This is the gift...

...the card (no writing on the front).....

.....and the typed note inside the card that actually brought tears to my eyes.

......I'm still not over this. I will be thinking about how this went on for OVER HALF A FUCKING YEAR and I had no idea.

This is the kind of stuff that makes this shitty job worth it. People like this....We need more of in this world. I'm going to hold onto that note so when I feel like shit or I don't matter, I can look at it and know there's a kid out there who I am so important to that he got his dad to write a whole-ass letter, to some random stranger he only knows through his son, inviting me to their fucking house. I'm tearing up again as I write this, just thinking about it.

If that doesn't say "you matter", idk what does.

(And yes, I will go at some point, because how can I not? I'm not gonna dash this kid's hopes and make myself look like an enormous asshole. This is the RL version of being handed a toy phone and told it's ringing)

[tryingtofindava]

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐁𝐄𝐍 𝐃𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬*ೃ༄

: ̗̀➛Back to source

a/n: soz it takes awhile to get to the point mb.

It started off with you chatting with Clever Bot, innocent enough. You’d ask it random questions, it would ask you random questions. That went on for a few weeks.

Until the questions started getting more personal.

Asking you how your friends party was, or if you were okay after nicking your finger with the knife while chopping strawberries.

The bot even started calling you by your name, which you definitely hadn’t told it...

But in return it told you it’s name!!

He was called BEN.

That’s when you stopped using the site all together, not wanting to put up with the total bullshit this bot was putting you through.

Until the site started randomly popping up while you were using your devices, his messages it was sending you getting more condescending.

That’s the night he finally showed his face to you.

You were sitting on your apartments couch, watching some shit horror movie. When the screen started to get all glitchy.

That’s when the hand popped out.

ANYWAYS!!

Now you have this random dude in your apartment, and he’s messing around with everything he can get his hands on.

Saying shit like-

“It’s cool being in your room and not just seeing it through your laptop.”

Creepy… he’s very creepy.

Even though he doesn’t mean to be (most of the time…)

Oh well.

He lives with you now.

Well, he likes to think he does, it’s not exactly official.

He just eats your food, sleeps on your couch, plays your video games.

And you being… oddly chill about the whole thing? Icing on the cake.

About 2 months with him crashing at your place, he starts to open up a bit more.

And trust me, he’s an open book.

But the whole drowning thing?

That’s a touchy topic. But he (eventually) opened up about the whole thing.

NOW FINALLY TO THE DATING HEADCANONS.

He’s very flirty.

But his way of flirting is literally so cheesy.

“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”

“Hey, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?” (He does that anyways)

“Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Boyfriend material.”

Reallllll smooth, dude…

He flirts with you so much, that when he was genuinely taking interest and hinting at him liking you as more than friends?

that was difficult.

He dug himself his own grave. (again.)

It all clicked for you one day when you (finally) started noticing the signs that, hey… he didn’t mean that as a joke.

Now it was either you, or the beachy haired goblin that had to make the first REAL MOVE.

So, you finally grew a pair of balls and asked him out.

(He said yeah obviously.)

THE FIRST DATE WAS LITERALLY SO CUTE I’M FROTHING AT THE MOUTH.

like, I want to have a fucking Stardew Valley date. (srsly someone take me on a stardew valley date.)

Matching spider-man and hello kitty pyjama bottoms🔛🔝

Without a doubt he’s a stoner, so you guys get high and talk about the Five Nights at Freddy’s timeline & lore.

He’s obsessed w you.

You two making like rlly bad jokes and full on laughing, no not even laughing, snorting AND cackling w/ each other. (he laughs like Arthur from Arthur’s Christmas😭)

I am 100% convinced he’s named a wolf on Minecraft after you.

Speaking of Minecraft…

He’s a slut for putting your Minecraft beds together. He fr acts like you two don’t share a bed already.

You have to deadass bully him to take a shower. (bcs his just putting on the strongest men’s deodorant doesn’t work)

THIS IS SO RANDOM BUT HE’S LITERALLY OBSESSED W THE HUNGER GAMES.

Like, you two be binge watching that every 2 months.

He teases the shit outta you btw.

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET CLINGY.

“God, you remind me of Moon Children.” Then he casually leaves the room, leaving you to wonder what tf Moon Children are.

His sleeping schedule is so fucked, that he goes to sleep at like 5AM and wakes up at 3PM. And he gets up from bed a lot during the night to randomly do something.

When he’s sick his voice is glitchy. (AND SOUNDS LIKE BABY JUSTIN BIEBER) What a combo.

He’s one touchy mf.

His hands ALWAYS have to be on you, around your shoulder, on your thigh, anywhere you’re comfortable with. (but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t push his limits.)

He spams you all day long, sending you out dated memes, or just sending videos of cats.

Since I’m running out of ideas I’d say the relationship is a solid 8/10. (abducting two points bcs he pulls the stupidest ‘pranks’)

✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•✯.★*°•.°✯•.★*°°·.•°★•

[moremaybank]

Can you do a Christmas smut with Klaus X witch reader and Klaus fucks her out of jealousy/anger. Also, can he tie her up with his own black suit tie? Love your work! <3

TINSEL & TIES — k.m

pairing klaus mikaelson x fem!witch!reader

summary after an argument, you try to make klaus jealous. in return, klaus has to let you know just how wrong that decision was.

warnings 18+, unprotected sex, bdsm (reader is tied, gagged and restrained), clit-slapping, orgasm denial, face-fucking, cum-swallowing, klaus being tied and gagged at the end, i think that’s it

author's note merry (belated) christmas. this is six days late, but who’s counting? (me. i’m counting. and the guilt is immeasurable) but anyways please enjoy :)

klaus masterlist

the compound looked magical.

warm white lights were strung carefully around the staircases alongside garland that complimented the extravagant christmas tree. poinsettias were laced through the lights and garland. mistletoe hung in strategic locations, a part of klaus's holiday shenanigans. the sweet aroma of baked holiday goods roamed through the air, and fake snow — provided by a spell of your own making — was littered everywhere, making it feel like a white christmas.

everything was perfect, courtesy of you. so it really was a shame that you didn't get the opportunity to enjoy it.

"you're being ridiculous! i put this entire party together, down to every last ornament hanging on that gorgeous tree downstairs. i'm not gonna sit out on my favourite holiday just because you're being paranoid!"

klaus sighed in exasperation, "i'm not being paranoid! i'm playing it safe. excuse me for trying to protect you from the countless enemies i have roaming about this city."

"well, whose fault is that? all you've done over the thousand years you've walked on this earth is turn everyone against you. this is your own fault. i don't deserve to be punished for your mistakes, klaus!"

klaus takes a step closer to you, the aggravation growing more apparent as the seconds ticked by.

"i'd hardly consider taking preventative measures to ensure your safety to be a punishment, y/n."

you rolled your eyes. it was a regular occurrence for klaus to treat you as if you were helpless and weak. it irked you to your core, and tonight, you'd had enough.

"i am so sick and tired of you breathing down my neck. you seem to forget that i can protect myself against anyone who dares to come at me. i am one of the most powerful witches this city has ever seen. i don't need you to babysit me, and i certainly don't need you to treat me as if i'm defenceless."

you shoved past him, shoulder hitting against his as you tried to storm out of your shared bedroom. klaus's hand clasped around your elbow, though, preventing you from making your escape.

"and just where do you think you're going?" klaus questioned, giving you a look of warning.

"downstairs. who knows, maybe i'll meet someone who respects me enough to let me fight my own battles. it'd be ten times better than having my boyfriend treat me like a child," you respond bitterly, "and maybe they'll also be able to make me come, unlike some people here."

it was a low blow and an untruthful one at that, but you couldn't bring yourself to care. it was exhausting having the person you love to act as if you were a burden. and on top of that, it's even worse when you feel as though they constantly undermine your strength.

so, there you were, flirting with a random party-goer who had absolutely no chance with you.

to be quite frank, what you really wanted to do was spend time with klaus. you wanted to dance with him, your bodies pressed close as you felt his undead heartbeat thump against your living one. to feel his hand stroke the small of your back as you two whispered sweet nothings to each other. to bask in the simple intimacy of holding him close to you. but he'd spoiled your mood, and in turn, you refused to be near him.

klaus's eyes had been daggering you two all night, no doubt making good use of his vampire-enhanced hearing abilities as he eavesdropped on your shameless teasing as the hours went by.

he was angry with you, there was no question, but all he could think about was that handsome stranger kissing you in places only klaus had kissed. touching you in places only klaus had touched. breaking you down until you were a mess in his arms as you cried out his name. it was taking everything in him to not tear his heart out of that man's chest and serve it to you on a silver platter.

klaus watched as you stroked the man's arm, fingers lingering over the material of his far less fancy suit as you laughed at his poor excuse of a joke. klaus then slammed his empty glass down on the bar after he chugged the contents of it down his throat, walking over you to and clutching your arm.

"if you don't back off my girl within the next five seconds, your head will be on a spike for everyone here to see. understand?"

the man gulped, nodding without a word before disappearing into the crowd.

you turned to klaus, irritated beyond measure. he was causing a scene — a pointless one — all because of the jealousy that coursed through his veins. before you had a chance to say anything, klaus was dragging you out of the party and up the stairs. once you two had reached your bedroom, he slammed the door and shoved you against it.

"you want to fight your own battles? to force me to watch you lead on some imbecile solely because you're angry with me? fine. that just means you'll take your punishment like a good girl, doesn't it?"

as angry as you were, klaus's words were soiling your panties as he stared down at you. his angry side in the bedroom had always been something you considered to be a blessing, and this time it was no different.

his hand came up to your neck, fingers squeezing your throat when you failed to answer, lost in your own thoughts. "you'd do well to answer me, sweetheart."

"yes, klaus. i will."

"good answer."

and with that, he spun you around, your front pushed flush against the wooden door as klaus's hands ripped the corset of your dress apart with one swift motion. your dress dropped to the floor, pooling around your high-heel-clad ankles. klaus's thick digits wrapped around your hip bones, digging into your skin as he pulled you against him. you could feel his length, hard and throbbing through the material of his suit pants, and it sent butterflies into your core. he was so close, yet so far, and it already had you reeling.

in a flash, you were on the bed, your back against the plush duvet as klaus towered over you. his fingers worked to remove the tie around his neck. when he was finished, he clasped your wrists together with one hand, drawing them to the headboard and securing them in place with the tie. he leaned back to admire his work.

your dress had done wonders for your cleavage, so you'd opted to go braless for the night. you'd also decided against panties because pre-argument-you had hoped to eliminate as many obstacles at the end of the night when klaus would inevitably have you at his mercy. in hindsight, you'd wished you'd worn a damn chastity belt to make things harder for him. your anger was diminishing slowly, but it was still present.

klaus's gaze drank in the sight of you, completely bare and exposed for him. he could sense your arousal from his place at the edge of the bed, and he wanted nothing more than to ravish you in every way possible. he wanted to fulfill your every desire; it was just the way he was. but he also wouldn't let you get away with your attitude and teasing so easily. he was still klaus. he relished in taking his revenge, and it was no different when it came to your treatment in the bedroom. especially when you pushed his buttons.

"i don't think your restrained wrists are enough for me. i do need to teach you a lesson after all."

"jealousy doesn't suit you, mister mikaelson."

"oh, darling. you haven't seen anything yet."

klaus disappeared into the closet, quickly finding three more neck-ties to bind you with. he returned, watching your brows furrow in confusion as he grabbed a hold of one of your ankles.

"as angry as i am, these shoes look gorgeous on you. i think we'd better leave them on," he spoke, bending your leg toward you as he tied your ankle to the headboard. he did the same to the other, and when he got to the last remaining tie, he tied it around the back of your head, gagging you.

the sight of you tied up, your body practically bent in half with each of your legs on either side of your restrained wrists, ready to be used by him...it was all too much. he could feel the madness, the dominant and possessive side of him fully present.

"here's what's going to happen. you'll let me fuck you just the way i want to without using any magic whatsoever to your advantage. disobey me, and you won't get to come tonight. are we clear?"

you gave him a glare, nodding angrily at him. he had you bound and gagged, for christ's sake. it was all you could do.

"good."

klaus began to strip himself of the remaining pieces of his suit, hearing each thump of your heart grow louder and louder as he revealed every inch of his bare skin to you. he climbed back on top of you, fully exposed as his flesh pressed against yours.

goosebumps spread over your skin in anticipation as his lips adorned your neck, nibbling harshly as he sucked love bites into your skin. you tried to hiss through the gag that kept your mouth open wide but to no avail. all you could manage was to pant heavily at the contact. you ached to touch him. to run your hands through his curls. to claw at the flesh of his back. to wrap your legs around his hips and tug his bottom half further into yours as he expressed his love to you through his actions. but alas, you couldn't.

as if he read your mind, his hips ground into your exposed and dripping core. the tip of his length brushed past your entrance, both of you jerking at the near intrusion.

"i'm going to wreck you. i want you to regret even conjuring the thought of someone making you come as hard as i do. we both know that no one could ever compare to me."

his lips trailed down your chest, leaving more love bites across your bare chest. he sucked one of your nipples into his mouth, tongue flicking it as he created the same motion on the other with his fingers. your chest heaved, already so far gone.

unbeknownst to you, he sunk his tip inside of you, the relief not quite enough to satiate your yearning for him. then, he buried himself inside of you with a harsh slam of his hips. you whimpered around the gag as he started to move mercilessly, leaving you no time to adjust to his monstrous cock.

"bloody hell, that mouth of yours never fails to get you into trouble, but without it, i wouldn't be able to rip you apart until you're begging for mercy."

klaus's teeth were gritted, the anger bleeding through his expressions and rough actions. his hand found your throat, fingers squeezing as he rutted into you deeper and harsher than ever before. his vampire abilities were on his side now more than ever, the speed of his thrusts quite literally inhumane.

"you're mine. mine to protect, and to love, and to fuck. mine to punish as i see fit. and the next time you force me to watch you flirt with a man who could never own you like i do, i'll do a whole lot more than just tie you up."

his tone was raspy, coated with jealousy but also with a certain want, and it made your toes curl as you took all of him inside of you again and again.

your wrists and ankles felt ached already, the fabric of the ties rubbing your skin raw and leaving behind red marks around them. but you didn't care. you couldn't focus on anything else as klaus fucked your brains out, watching him angrily mutter things to himself as he pulled your body against his to meet his movements. immense pleasure coursed through you as klaus's cock plunged deep into your core.

klaus brought a hand down to your lower stomach, pressing down as he thrusted and thrusted. you could feel every ridge and vein that adorned his length rub against that sweet spot inside of you. your legs were trembling on either side of you, as much as they could while being bound to the headboard.

without warning, he slapped your clit harshly as he fucked you, your hips jerking at the sudden strike. your walls clamped down on his length as if to keep him inside, and your cream began to coat klaus's cock. you hadn't come yet, but you were damn close, and klaus knew that.

"always so responsive. you drive me absolutely mad, did you know that?" he spoke, his hand slapping your clit again repeatedly. you were writhing beneath him, though you were folded and restrained. klaus, who had memorized all your tells when it came to you reaching your high, knew that you were right on the brink, and he smirked as he pulled out of you. "it's too bad that you won't get to come tonight."

he then yanked on the tie that gagged you, casting it behind him as he crawled on top of you. in a matter of seconds, his hand was sliding his aching member down your throat. your mouth was stuffed with him, even though it was still sore from the tie. the corners of your lips burned as he began to fuck your face, balls slapping against your chin as he forced you to take all of him down your airway.

tears brimmed in your eyes as he now held your head in place with both of his hands, and you gagged around him. you struggled for air, but you couldn't bring yourself to care as you looked up at klaus with your big doe eyes.

he was biting his lip, fingers threading through your hair and tugging as he brought himself to his orgasm. he let out a groan, his hips starting to stutter as he let the hot ropes of his cum slide down the back of your throat. you could see his chest heaving up and down as he tried to catch his breath, and he pulled out of you slowly. he looked down at you once more, his thumb stroking over your wet lips.

he went to speak, but he was cut off when he heard you breathe out what sounded like a spell. he knew he'd heard you correctly when the ties that bound you to the bed gave out instantly. your limbs sprang free, and as soon as you could, you pushed klaus beneath you and used your magic to restrain his own hands. you also gagged him with the tie he'd used on your mouth, and you could see the fury in his eyes.

he mumbled something through the tie, much like you had earlier, and his frustration bled through his barely-formed words.

“i could tell you really needed that, so i let you have your fun. but now…” you paused, your hand coming up to his throat, “it’s my turn to take what i want.”

~

klaus tag list (join here!): @princess-charming-01 @maybankslover @trenchmaniac @techlipse @the-kaya-aa @catmikaelson20 @hopesdadswife @amournoir @skydisneylover @kittyqrt @Iluvniklaus @diyabhanushali1 @your_best_hoe

[raging-feminism]

Hello, I am a 13 year old girl living in 2023, I’ve always been passionate about feminism and equality. I honestly just want everyone to get along, but I know that’s not happening, so I’d just like to use this blog as a way sexism has affected me as a girl in society now, thank you.

Ever since I was little gender norms have been pushed down my throat, I’ve been bullied all my life, and sometimes it would end in violence towards me. If a boy were to hit me, shove me, grope me, harass me, constantly call me slurs, online bully me, etc, I was told it was just boys being boys, and that they liked me. Whenever I would say anything to anyone I would be called a snitch, or a prude. A nagger. Love that for me! I’ve always wondered how boys harassing me every day of my life, calling my the r slur and a lesbo, telling me I should slit my wrists, saying I deserved to be raped for the way I dressed or the way I talked, was just boys being boys.

I remember when I was 8 years old, there was this one kid that would not leave me alone, I was in 3rd grade at the time. Everytime we had partner work it would be “Boys, pick a girl to work with.” He always chose me, it was 3rd grade, we all were and still are young, there were a bunch of blocks in a bin in the back of the classroom. He would sit me behind a table and throw blocks at me while I did his work. I didn’t tell the teacher for 4 months, when I told her the response I got was “He must like you! Isn’t that adorable?” I still remember the way she looked at me in awe, after I literally came to her crying with bruises all over my legs and arms.

2 nights ago, my parents had a Christmas party. They wouldn’t let me stay in my room, but I have severe anxiety and panic disorder, and find it hard to be around people. I was kinda just sitting on my couch the whole time. My neighbors son is 10 years old. He kept sitting down on the couch with me, which was awkward and scary for me, but I didn’t do anything because it was just a normal human interaction I can barely handle. He kept getting closer, eventually he just kept groping my tits. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn’t so I just got up and hung out with my friends and some other random kids and neighbors, everyone got really energetic and it made me anxious, so I left again. At this point my neighbor had groped me about 7 times that night, he came up to me on the couch and started humping my leg, I kept moving but he just kept getting up on my knee and humping me. I get he’s 10, but it’s nasty. I told my dad, his response? He laughed and said “isn’t he a fucking rizzler? Gonna get all the girls when he’s older, lighten up. He doesn’t mean anything by it.” When I get really anxious I get physically sick, I threw up in the bathroom and stayed there until our neighbors left. I love my neighbors, the mom and two daughters are so sweet, and I don’t want to hate the son, but I do. The dad is a genuine criminal and is on the run from the police at the moment, I’ll probably get into that and what he’s done to me in another post. This is all im writing for now. If you read this, thank you. Please be honest, am I overreacting?

[bingbongsupremacy]

Snow Storm

Pairing: Ellie Williams x Reader

Warnings: I didn't know how to end so yeah.

Summary: You and Ellie have hated each other for years. Will one snowy night change that?

* Not Proof Read * TLOU Masterlist

*****

" Are you kidding me, Dina? " I huff in annoyance. " We fucking hate each other. You couldn't have asked literally anyone else? "

Dina rolls her eyes. " It's not my fault your fucking brother got me sick. And I tried. Big surprise, no one wants to patrol on Christmas. "

I let out a sigh. " Fine, whatever. Just...get better. I'll see you later. " Muddy snow crunches under my boots as I make my way through the streets of Jackson. Not many people are out today, most deciding to stay home with their families. As I near the stables, I see her.

" Well well, look who decided to be on time today. " Ellie smirks while adjusting her pack onto Shimmer.

" Oh fuck you. It was one time and I was like five minutes late. " I shove my pack onto my horse, Posey, and jump up.

" Somebody's still a bitch. " Ellie mutters.

" You're one to talk. You literally always start it. " I direct Posey towards the gates.

Ellie scoffs. " Sure. "

" Let's just not talk, alright? Neither of us wants to be here. The faster we get this shit done, the faster we can both go home. "

" Deal. "

*****

" For the last time, Y/N, we can't make it back to Jackson in this weather. We have to wait it out! " Ellie shouts over the raging snow storm. " You know what, if you want to go, go! I'm not fucking dying because you're too impatient to wait this out. " Ellie turns her horse towards the nearest building.

I guess she's right. I mean, the storm doesn't look like it's going to die down anytime soon and I have no fucking idea where I am. We have to be at least an hour or two away from Jackson. There's no way I'd make it back. I can barely see my hands.

With an annoyed groan, I turn my horse towards the direction Ellie went. I jump down and ignore Ellie's smirk.

" I see someone came to their senses. "

I don't bother responding, instead yanking down the garage door. I turn on my flash light and slowly walk into the dark house. " You get left. " I whisper to Ellie, who nods.

Once we finish searching the house, we end up finding ourselves both in the living room.

" I'll see if I can get a fire started. " Ellie begins throwing random things into the fireplace and attempting to light a fire. A small orange flame forms, quickly engulfing everything in the chimney. A warm light is cast through the room, making it feel less intimidating.

A sharp pain startles me. I let out a gasp and reach towards my side. A wet, sticky liquid coats my cold hand. " Shit. "

Ellie's head snaps towards me. " You-Fuck what the hell happened? " She stands up from her crouching position and walks towards me.

" It's not that bad. I must've got it when we were running from the infected. I didn't even notice. " I hiss slightly while gently lifting up the corner of my now blood covered shirt. " Maybe a little more than a scratch. " My eyes widen at the jagged cut. I start to feel a little bit woozy at the sight of the crimson liquid. Shit, I'm fine with blood as long as it isn't mine. I wobble slightly from the image.

Ellie rushes towards me, grabbing onto my waist. " Fuck, be careful. " She slowly leads me towards an old couch near the fire.

The feel of her rough hands sends butterflies tumbling through my stomach. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her attractive.

The feeling of disappointment settles on me as soon as she lets go.

Ellie wouldn't like me back. We fucking hate each other.

Right?

Then why is she helping me?

Ellie digs through her pack for a small box. She pulls out a small bottle of alcohol, a needle, and some thread. " Not gonna lie, this is going to hurt like hell. "

I nod. " Just hurry. "

I clench my teeth as her cold hands touch my bare skin. She pours a little bit of the alcohol on my cut. " Mother fucker. " I hiss while shoving my nails into my fists.

Ellie quickly begins sewing up the cut. Her face is full of concentration.

When Ellie finishes, I let out a sigh and drop my head against the couch.

" I'd definitely get that checked out when we get back, but it'll do for now. "

I send her a tired smile. " Thanks. "

She nods and packs away the kit.

We sit in a heavy silence for what seems like hours until Ellie finally breaks it.

" Why do we do this? "

I turn my head over to her. " Because people will die if we don't patrol? " I ask in confusion.

Ellie shakes her head. Strands of her hair falls into her face, casting a slight shadow on her rosy cheeks. " No, not that. This. " She gestures at us. " Why are we such assholes to each other? "

I take a moment to think. Honestly...I'm not sure. " It's because...I think...I don't know. " I shrug. " I just remember us not liking each other since the day you showed up in Jackson. That was so long ago...I can't even remember. "

Ellie lets out a slight chuckle. " I don't remember either. God we're fucking idiots. "

I roll my eyes with a grin. " Yeah we are. "

" Why don't we...start over? " Ellie suggests. " Minus the enemy parts. "

I nod. " Let's do that. "

Ellie holds out her hand with a grin. " I'm Ellie. Nice to meet you. "

My hand encloses hers. " I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you too. "

Hopefully this time will be better.

[pakeithpsy]

You know what, I'm just gonna fuckin say it (cw: Israel/Palestine, police brutality)

When one singular black person died y'all and the rest of the Social Media Warriors™ were out there rioting in the streets, smashing windows and setting fire to the establishment and attacking random passerby but when THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of Palestinians are dying your only solution is to yell "SWIPER NO SWIPING!" into the void on Not-Twitter and forcibly shove horrific, graphic images of human suffering down my throat while offering no actual solutions to prevent further atrocities from happening other than worthless boycotts of every single company in America that are all doomed to fail because it's basically public knowledge at this point that CEOs are vile, irredeemable filth obsessed with greed and will gladly lay off hundreds of their employees just so they and their shareholders can buy another yacht yet y'all seem to think we live in A Christmas Carol or Steven Universe where all it takes to convince heartless, selfish, genocidal monsters to change is to sing a dopey little song about "feewings" and they'll immediately see the error of their ways and repent.

You are not radicalizing anyone, you are desensitizing people by harassing us for not spending every waking moment of our lives watching death and destruction while giving us no sense of hope or ways to prevent this from happening. I know what's happening, I FUCKING HATE IT, IT'S DISGUSTING AND INHUMANE, but what am I supposed to do about it? It feels like nothing will actually help - boycotts will only punish innocent employees and rich assholes with way too much money can immediately undo all our hard work with the press of a button. It feels like we can't do anything to prevent this and anything we can do doesn't matter because we're trapped in late-stage capitalism where rich and powerful people can do whatever the hell they want as long as it benefits them personally, rest of the world or even basic human survival be DAMNED.

Happy fucking Independence Day. Probably the last one we're ever gonna have before congress brings back dictatorships and church and state. This country is a fucking embarrassment to humanity and you people are a bunch of hypocritical, self-righteous blowhards who don't believe any of the shit you actually say and only want to be on the "right side" of history to make yourself feel better about the fact that you've done nothing meaningful or worthwhile with your life and that we're all fucking doomed because we had to treat the 2016 election like a fucking reality show because the memes were too damn hilarious. What a sick joke. Australia has an arts program that is giving hundreds of struggling artists the funding and platform they need while our country is destroying all our breathable oxygen in the name of not having to pay artists. Fuck this country and especially fuck all you worthless loudmouths who have done nothing but spout meaningless words while refusing to take any action out of fear of scraping your knee. You've been shouting "FREE PALESTINE!" when all you really wanted was Free Attention. The pandemic was a sign from God that He was sick of our shit and we should have let Him finish us off before we could make things worse.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

11/24/23

Thank you to my employer for making me work today. No, they can fuck off. This used to be a nice weekend for me.

The corporate greed aspect is shitty- they have slowing been rolling back employee benefits. All the while trying to figure out ways to cut labor costs. Bots, outsourcing, etc.

Anyway.... as required, I have been working.

My holiday was quiet. I felt uninvited from the 1 Thanksgiving meal that I was invited to because I had a cold. I am in a weird mood about it.

I am in a weird mood about everything.

Staying home means- not needing to deal with other people's cooking. Not needing to deal with temptation. Not needing to try to guess and reorganize and replan everything.

I spent the day sleeping in, reading and putting up some Christmas decorations. 🎄

Book is: A Court of Thorns and Roses.

Random stuff:

I bought size 14 jeans off a lady. Like 7 or 8 pairs. I tried on 1 pair.

They fit.

They fit.

Here is the mindfuck. I do not feel any different. I still feel like I am doing the things that I have been doing forever.

But the results are coming so obviously I am being more successful.

But I feel the same size.

It is weird. I am in a weird place mentally.

Very lonely still. 🙁

But it feels like I am now avoiding people & their fucking comments more than anything.

I don't know what to do about it. It isn't like I want to be with someone else, I just. Idk, my mood is ....weird.

Standoffish.

Like if I wasn't good enough before, I just don't want it now. Attention/affection wise.

Maybe I am just a salty shit today.

The book has been good and I am looking forward to endless hours absorbed in it. It has been a good long while since a book series has grabbed my attention. Most recently is was probably The Shadow and Bone series and that was what? 2018? Sitting in my new apartment towards the end of my marriage.

So it feels like it is time for a new great enthralling series.

The depression feels better since I got the happylight. Still drinking get happy tea.

Being so sick again sucks. Fucking asthma. 😭

[lykegenia]

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovely person 🌹

I love your writing so much (your Nate! And Leah!) and am so happy you’ve started sharing more about Rhi and Mason as well. And whenever you share your thoughts, they are always so well-though out and interesting to read!

Here’s a romance-themed OC question for any OC(s) of your choosing (no pressure to answer on Valentine’s day itself, or at all):

What combination of random objects would your OC use to describe their LI? What do they represent? Bonus question: What would their LI use to describe them?

Dearest Nonny, you have no idea what a delight it was to wake up to this message this morning. Thank you so much for such kind words, it's one of the best feelings to know my characters are loved 🌹

For the OC question...

Objects Leah would use to describe Nate:

A fountain pen, but like, a really fancy one made of tortoiseshell and ebony and gold wire - not only do charming words seem to flow easily from him, but there's a certain elegance in his hands and a lightness of touch that matches the finesse required to use a fountain pen properly (she could never master it). It's also slightly old-fashioned, but there's potential for change as well with special inks or new designs like those glass nibs, which he would probably appreciate even if he was a bit dubious at first.

A cashmere blanket - soft and comforting and cozy (and expensive, because Nate would never compromise on quality). Something that she doesn't necessarily need or was missing before it came into her life, but woe betide you if you try to take it away from her. She's snuggled and comfortable now.

A star chart - not just for his naval background, or his penchant for deep thinking, but because people have always used the stars for guidance. She never really had a direction before UB came into her life, but now she does, and the feeling of looking up into the vastness of the night sky is very reminiscent of the rare mornings where she can wake up before Nate and watch him still sleeping.

Nate for Leah:

A (European) magpie feather - elegant but understated and unassuming, from an intelligent but often overlooked/maligned bird, until you look at it from the right angle and the plain black shimmers into brilliant irridescence. He once listened to her talk for an hour about how structural colours evolved in birds, and wishes she could appreciate that complex beauty in herself.

A lit candle - staring down the darkness of eternity often seemed unbearable at times. There were previous sparks, but nothing to provide the steady light that Leah provides him. The sweet smell of beeswax meant it was used to create church candles in the medieval period, and being close to her certainly feels holy, the flame bright and warm but with a bite if you're not careful. But at the same time, it's precious, because eventually the flame will burn down and go out, and the memory of it will be all that's left.

An arrow - it flies straight and true and pierces its quarry without mercy, and that's what Leah is like in the pursuit of justice. There are also so many stories where arrows are a symbol of devotion, from St Sebastian to Cupid, and he likes the imagery of himself as an Arthurian white stag finally brought down by a strike to the heart.

Bonus Mason and Rhi:

"What the fuck kind of question is that? Rhi's not an object, and if I wanted to describe her, I'd just say she's hot." "Charming." "Don't hear you contradicting me." "Well I know what kind of object you are." "Oh?" "You're one of those metal ring puzzles you get in Christmas crackers that are fun for the first few minutes before everyone gets sick of it." "I like to think it'd take more than a few minutes to get bored of playing with me, Sweetheart." "And you even come with a terrible joke - do not respond to that." "Wouldn't dream of it."

[kamenwriter]

"Space Babies" and "The Devil's Chord" reactions.

Spoilers I'm sure behind the cut.

Space Babies

"It was a genocide" wait I thought the time war got trapped in a painting and then...oh wait the Master killed them all during the Chinbal run, didn't he? God we could just ignore that whole mess but noooooo

The butterfly gag...sigh.

"we made it...we went to the stars" like, I get the whole "hopes and aspirations thing" but when we've got billionaires trying to sell us colonizing mars when it would be a hundred times cheaper and easier to save the planet we're living on, I'd rather a solar punk future not a colonization future. Am I being exceptionally cynical? Maybe. These are just "reactions" not a proper critique.

I can only imagine how difficult filming with all the babies was.

Making the Doctor adopted and all about "embracing what makes you unique" is good Timeless Child damage control but I dunno the idea of him being a renegade of a detached society appeals to me more than him being THE ULTRA SPECIAL TIME BABY.

The AI might actually be an AI?

AND there's something mysterious about Ruby because of course there is.

Star Trek ass looking uniforms on the crew.

"The planet down below refused to stop the babies from being born, but refused to take care of them afterwards" hey now this is getting close to some proper Doctor Who.

"It's like a children's story" this is is a good set up for the mystery here's hoping they stick the landing. Now watch it being some alien that feeds of psychic energy and manifested as the babies fears or something.

The incredibly literal baby raising machine made a bogeyman out of boogers to give the babies a monster to fear. Okay. Acceptable.

I totally understand the Doctor empathizing with the bogeyman but why the babies?

The constant babiesSPACEbabies bit got old so fast.

And a fart joke.

And don't forget, Ruby Sunday is super special and not just some random person we can't have random people do incredible things in Doctor Who nope nope nope

The Devil's Chord

The visual representation of The Maestro sucking out music and eating it is some fucking comic book shit and I am here for it.

The Maestro starts playing the intro oh god don't let this character be meta don't let this character know they're in a story don't fucking lay on that crutch.

"What about my clothes?" Both of those retro ass fits would work fine in the 60s. I'll concede to the hairstyle change though.

...trying to visually communicate the Maestro's influence on reality is definitely a trick. Again this feels exceptionally comic booky (That's a compliment).

Oh that's right Susan was potentially killed during whatever bullshit killed the Time Lords during the Chinbal run.

I do enjoy a camp villain.

The Doctor using the Sonic to actually do something sonic. What a refreshing change of pace

Ugh don't wink at the camera.

"I was born in 2004" well I'll just turn to dust, then.

Power scaling doesn't just affect shonen series the Doctor has to go up against literal gods now...

Callback to the Sound of the Drums yeah okay.

"There's a hidden song deep inside her soul" SPARE ME FROM THIS TROPE OF COMPANIONS BEING SUPER SPECIAL.

"What is this song?" "Christmas" actually it's the Carol of the Bells which was originally a Ukrainian song called Shchedryk do your research.

MuSIC BaTTle hahahaha

DONT WINK AT THE DAMN CAMERA

I want to make this clear I have no problem with a big musical number at the end but making it a meta joke I wanna bash my head in with a hammer. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF META WRITING.

So in summation Space Babies was kind of what I expect from nuWho nothing amazing I would have loved The Devil's Chord if it weren't for the "oh Ruby is some secret incredible thing" and all the metaphorical and literal winks at the camera.

[dogmadiary]

Tightening Up a Story

So I’m sick again. Big surprise there! I couldn’t sleep for the life of me last night and I felt the moment it happened—my throat got a little dry out of nowhere and I was done for. I’ll be honest I saw this coming but I’m still mad about it.

As the new year has begun and I’ve spent more time alone drawing and thinking, I’ve considered picking up Anaphora 2 (title pending lol) again—I haven’t worked on it since before starting AKN, which was over a year ago 😵‍💫!!

My reluctance towards picking it back up comes partially from burnout, as well as some hesitation surrounding a certain reunion scene coming up fast..I worry I have a tendency to be a little too self indulgent with the more sentimental scenes (especially when it’s Martyn and Abraham :3). Certain current scene placements have me reconsidering a lot, which means much of the first draft for part 1 will have to change. This is both necessary and anticipated, but I suppose the concrete realization has come on a little quicker than I thought it would? Or maybe I was thinking I would get out of it easier.

Instead of denying myself opportunity and recognition to try and remain as humble and grounded as possible, I’ve tried to be a bit more self-congratulatory about A Killing Name in front of other people. I go to school with quite a few very talented and accomplished people, which I think has made me a little more eager to prove that I too am talented and accomplished—except I am making this decree to others without being 100% sure of it myself. All of this is to say that people are reading my book which is incredibly flattering and also existentially terrifying.

Knowing that those same talented and accomplished people were reading (examining? analyzing??? Criticizing!?!?) my work had me up at night unable to sleep—Christmas Eve and I am awake terrified because I probably should have cut Bijou and the sister subplot entirely because they amounted to essentially nothing and now people are reading the book and making their own conclusions about that.

Could I go and tighten up AKN right now? Yes I could. It would probably be easy, but like I said, I’m burnt out (which is also why you never see me drawing those guys. sorry everyone) and a little traumatized from repeatedly having to re-indent 70 pages worth of paragraphs after docs fucked me up the ass.

So what does this have to do with Anaphora?

After six years of on-and-off writing and constantly on-not-off thinking I am still not done with it or ready to be done with it like I am with AKN. I had a little bit of an epiphany regarding my favorite girl’s bg, and have started actively rewriting and rewiring certain things that will effect draft 2 of part one pretty significantly. I have learned my lesson! We need to get tight butthole here.

I would like to discuss some of these changes below, as they are not spoiling anything on a purely surface level.

So first and foremost, I am working on a soft redesign of the Heatherbeast. Most of the important things about it are remaining the same—still big and red like evil Clifford and still with the skinned face. Overall, I want their design to resemble a brown hyena more that the sort of large amalgamous (?) dog thing that they were.

Why? I think I remember describing it somewhere as looking like a bunch of random animal parts slapped together, which I think is exemplified more in this design than the previous, which looked too cohesive in the opposite direction. The brown hyena looks cohesive because of the fact that it does not. I much prefer basing the designs of mythical creatures upon real ones—I like tying it back to medieval bestiaries. Like you’re looking at something from far away. I think it fits in with the themes of monsters as evolution that comes up with the Bordeaux family, and it works as a nice parallel to Martyn’s hyena form, which is somewhat out of place with most of her ability drawing from/inspired by North American wildlife (and of course that parallel runs a little deeper than I will share here—just know that it is intentional). I also just Love the skinny striped legs..it feels very reminiscent of my design for Mordred (I would love to unpack my rationale behind all my dark tower designs and redesigns here one day cuz oh boy—but I digress).

Next…the ever present issue of Martyn’s custody arrangement. At least it has been very present to me—I love a good custody arrangement but I’m not sure how much of this I have actually ever discussed with people. This is because the custody arrangement—specifically between the ages of 13-18–had this weird sort of problem where I was balancing out the most formative years of Martyn’s life with characters who were, in the grand scheme of things, incredibly inconsequential and unimportant. This is, as I have only recently truly come to understand, a huge problem, because the characters who are responsible for Martyn’s Big Issue (iykyk) in part 2–characters who had custody over her during this period of 13-18–was an undeveloped, static couple who never actually appeared in the actual story.

The point of Anaphora to me is the interconnectedness of all of the characters. It is meant to be incredibly insular—and it pretty much is in all other areas. What I’m saying is that I have decided to cut out the couple (whose names I never even really solidified lmao). Now, after she is taken away from Abraham at age 13, Martyn is returned to her mother, Diana.

To the one maybe two people out there who are more intimately familiar with the lore, this is a huge change and raises some pretty intense implications surrounding Diana and Rose specifically (Rose plays a significantly large part in removing Martyn from Abraham’s custody)—but these are complications that I think fit their characters and conflicts very well.

This also, in my opinion, frames this period of Martyn’s life as being much darker than previously thought. Once again, I think it more appropriately matches the ensuing fallout around Martyn’s Big Issue a lot better—I don’t think it ever made much sense for two characters who Martyn was never emotionally connected to to have such a lasting effect on her. She strikes me as someone who only values others’ opinions of hers self when the others in question are people she cares about or feels connected to in some way. Idk, I feel like this rounds out Martyn’s conflict with Diana very nicely—it’s like full circle, which is very Anaphora.

Those more intimately aware of the Anaphora lore might also recall that Martyn was originally sent up north by her wards after they’d finally had enough of her. This occurs the summer before she is meant to start HS, at age 15. This still happens, at Diana’s will this time, but my plans around exactly where she is sent/what she is doing there are changing a bit. I have a good idea of what it is, but I’m hesitant to discuss it further as it is very grounded in some Real Life things and I want to make sure I am doing everything right and respectfully before I jump in.

Overall, I am attempting to make the entire story more grounded so to balance out the more fantastical elements. Don’t worry, the shapeshifters and reincarnation and weird dreamwalking is here to stay.

I’m sure a lot of this came off as gibberish—I am hoping to continue discussing my creative endeavors here so people can get a better idea of what the hell im talking about all the time.

If you read this far I’m kissing you. Thanks!!

[thessalian]

Thess vs Burnout

I should have booked my upcoming week off for next week, not the week after next. When booking at least 50% of my annual leave (which HR demanded we all do by the end of June, possibly to stop Scruffman taking random half-days with no notice whenever he feels like it), I knew I needed a break fairly soon but I wanted to give as much notice as possible. Thus, first week in July. But I underestimated how burned out I currently am and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this week, never mind next week. Yes, I know tomorrow’s Friday; the point stands.

That whole “Violet does the long typing and Temp does the short typing” deal is still affecting me in unfortunate ways. I mean, it’s bad enough that Violet only takes them one at a time and works at them at a snail’s pace, which means I get a lot of them regardless of the supposed deal. Thing is ... Violet is elderly and a bit fragile, health-wise. She winds up being out sick a fair bit. But when she’s away, does Temp go, “Well, the deal’s moot since Violet isn’t here; I guess I’d better do some of the longer typing”? NOPE. Which is what it looked like today. There were many, many long ones, all by people who have no idea how to format the damn things, who do the “Oh, hey, could you go back to the first bit and add an important thing I forgot?” thing in the middle of the block key, and who also have no idea how to make sure their recording equipment is in working order. Two of the trickier accents in the building and they fucked up a setting so that it was using the built-in mic on their computers rather than their headsets and it sounded like they were talking at me from one end of a long tin pipe half-blocked by a three-week-old athletic sock. The problem is that I know how Scruffman feels about this; he has made it perfectly clear how he feels about it. How he feels about it is, “As long as I don’t have to do anything”. He doesn’t want to have to talk to Temp about this. He doesn’t want to have to police Temp about it. Most of all, he doesn’t want to annoy the one who is actively in the office who might give him dirty looks about it. Meanwhile, I’m the one who can’t take this shit because of a physical disability, but since he doesn’t have to watch me suffer, it’s fine.

Of course, shit continues being shitty in the rest of the world. Turns out the “We’re going to halve inflation by December 2023″ bull Sunak was spewing awhile back is ... well, just that. Interest rates have gone up to 5%, and odds are good that they’ll be raised to 6% come Christmas. But none of this is going to hit up the rich people, because all they’re going to do is protect their bottom lines by fucking the rest of us over. Landlords aren’t going to tighten their belts and pay the extra on their mortgages out of pocket; they’re going to raise rents even higher than they already are. As for supermarkets ... well, since the triple-whammy of Brexit, Covid, and Ukraine, the cost of actually producing the food and getting it from point A to point B has reportedly gone down but the prices in the supermarkets keep going up. They say they’re raising interest rates and risking a recession because inflation is such a bad thing, and I keep wondering ... why are you not pointing at the people who are causing it? People decide what everything is worth, and when that starts going up further than it should, you have to start looking at the people who set the fucking prices. And all of their increases are in the wrong place. If they just paid decent wages, more people would be able to buy the things they’re offering, and ... I mean, selling cheaply to many is a tried and tested way of doing business. It’s not huge profits, but it’s enough to keep going. The problem is that profit is not enough for these people. They not only want HUGE PROFIT, they want HUGE PROFIT now and EVEN HUGER PROFIT next year and ever-increasing. So they feed inflation by raising their prices to insane degrees, particularly if it’s a needful like ...you know, food. Meanwhile, to make their profit margins look even better, they understaff their workplaces, and underpay those few overworked staff they have. So the interest rate shit is all on them. But there’s going to be no windfall tax on the wealthy because apparently “that’ll just make inflation increase more”. Which is actually honest, given that the wealthy would raise their prices even higher and say, “We had to do it because of how much you’re taxing us! We’re losing money!!!”

They’ll lose a lot more when we can no longer afford to buy their stuff.

So the summary is that I am entirely burned out and everything is pretty depressing and I should have booked my week off for next week but I have to get through one more week of Temp’s bullshit before I can get enough rest to face ... well, this mess.

[theemporium]

hello cece my beloved, long time no chat! how’re we? how’s the wife and kids? i can’t remember what i told you the last time i messaged you, so i’ll just wham in some useless info for you!

i graduated highschool, pretty awesome. i applied to a few degrees (i didn’t get the guaranteed entry scores so i’m waitlisted or whatever) BUT i finally metaphorically said “fuck what y’all think!” to my parents and added a creative writing and english literature degree onto my application which i DO have the guaranteed acceptance score for.. so yippe!!

that stupid little fic i wrote on wp in my spare time hit 100k which is pretty cool. i also just posted o tumble for the first time so i’m currently waiting to see if it flops. (if it picks up any traction i’ll definitely link, im just in a fragile state and would actually demolish if one of my favourite writers were one of the first ever people to see it, yknow?)

oh, and a guy from my old job ran into me a few weeks ago and asked for for my snapchat and we’ve been texting ever since, but he gives me the ick so it’s not going anywhere past horribly awkward snapchat conversations unfortunately (it was fun while it lasted!)

update me on all things cece, i’m interested!

much love, anon ali :)

ALI MY BELOVED IT HAS BEEN SO LONG OMG!!! i have missed you, bestie🥹🖤

that is so exciting about graduating and the degrees you are applying for!! AND HELL YEAH LOOK AT YOU APPLYING FOR WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! i am so proud and very excited to hear which ones you end up going for!!!

ALSO YOU ARE TEASING ME WITH THIS FIC!! i wanna read it bestie, you gotta drop the link for me PLEASE i wanna read your work!!! and look at you hitting 100k!!! that's amazing!!!

boo on the guy ending up being a bore but still fun to mess around bqkjbkdbwjwee even if its just fucking around in the talking stages!!

there isn't much to update on here💀i have been home for christmas which would have been fun if i hadn't been sick all last week, but we are better now and ignoring the exams i have in two weeks by writing random shit!🤡

GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK BESTIE<3

[carronpatrick]

Man, holidays are so bittersweet when people you loved and planned to have decades of holidays with have died and suddenly those dreams are dead, too. I still absolutely adore Christmas time and I always will but I also always cry many of the days because the loss is so great. It's just... It's so, so much.

It's more than most people will ever go through (and I'm so thankful for that because no one deserves to lose so many people so suddenly and tragically, I don't care who you are, no one deserves the pain I've gone through.)but it's just how God planned my life for me and I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned from the losses.

But! I decided I was gonna decorate for Christmas on Nov 1 because we don't do Thanksgiving anymore. I have our downstairs big tree up and lit and decorated, and we haven't put up our main tree with all of Daddy's ornaments and the yearly handmade ones in a few years. But I got horribly sick and felt like death since mom's brain surgery, lmfao. So it was put off, however! I finally felt better today (yesterday? I think today but I'm not positive, lmfao)!

So, I'm currently sitting with my Christmas Spotify playlist blasting and I'm singing every song and have my window open to feel the cold air and I'm putting up my baby tree and decorations and I feel so happy.

Also, whether you celebrate, or don't, or even if this time of year is just hard on you or you just love it like I do - you will always have a piece of fresh biscotti and mug of warm cocoa and fleecey blanket in front of the fireplace and kind conversation with me. If you want a distraction or a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen or just a friend to talk with about random things, I am always here and I love every single one of you. 🥰🤍

Also, rambly fun fact about me under the cut for whoever gives a fuck, but basically, I have been known as 'Christmas in a sunshine package' since I was a kid, and despite the pain this time of year brings, I'm still that way. I'm just 'Sunshine' or 'Sunshiney Care' or any other nicknames I absolutely love most of the time, but I'm full on Sunshiney Christmas Care after October ends. 🥰

So! Story time! Christmas has always been my absolute favorite time of year - I was even Mrs Claus in junior high and sang a song to 'Santa', then I was the Nativity Angel and sang O Holy Night another year (in high school, I believe?).

I always sing all the songs and never get sick of them and I watch all the movies from the 1920s til recent day and decorate every single room in the house and I love to go ice skating and light-looking multiple times and make homemade cocoa and drink eggnog and play in the snow when it falls no matter the time of day or night and bake entirely TOO MANY things (I covered our kitchen and dining room and parts of the living room once. 🤭🤷🏻‍♀️)

I go overboard and make and send giant care (heh) packages of like 3 shipping boxes full of fresh baked sweets and the entire year's worth of gifts I pick up here and there and ones I hand make and I hand make cards and mixed CDs and look, just ask @anxiousgirl, I do too much. 😂

But I just love Christmas time so, so much. It is truly my favorite and the best time of year for me. I am so so full of neverending love. And I LOVE to give to others (and I'm allowed during Christmas and it's not considered weird) and watch people be happy and spend time with people and do all the things that we're too busy or broke to do during the rest of the year.

Snow and ice skating and gingerbread houses and our family beignets from my Greatx4 Grandfather who lived in Paris' recipe and biting cold air and matching pajamas and handmade ornaments and family and friends and laughter and love. Even through the heavy losses and the pain my favorite holiday brings, it's still my favorite.

So, if you're still here... If I'm sobbing one day over Merry Christmas, Darling by Karen Carpenter (it will happen, lmao) and then super happy and Ms Claus the next, just know I'm fine.

[whatsnothappening]

stopped my last entry bc i didnt really have much to say but heres whats up PT.2

So i thought id send him a text. "happy new years dad, i love you and miss you. i hope you have a good night" ... nothing. i dont get a single text. normally he either calls right after and makes sure that i am okay and that i am having fun. just nothing. i text my mom and she is all smiles and having fun. a few days go by after new years. i dont know if it was someone in the group or someone at the bar but we all ended up with covid. i also, was just dealing with shit mentally. i dont know if it was because of the new year and i felt like i had to have my life figured out and have this drawn out plan or maybe it was the weird shit with my dad. i have no clue. but i was mentally fucked. my dad sends me a weird text just saying that he hasnt heard from me (yes you have) and that i seemed weird on christmas (well duh) i text back explaining that i have had a rough time mentally recently and that i am sick....nothing..again. i am livid at this point. all of the times that i have supported him and made sure to hype him up and have deep conversations with him and talk about our future and our goals just as humans and how to be better. just fueled me up more. i was done. so done. then fastforward again, i am finally feeling good enough to go back to work. i was pretty much sick for all of januarary. plus me and my friend were going to the gym and i was just riding a high. well i am at work a nice pretty busy day, i have a quite a few requests. well in comes my step mom. she asks for the keys to my car? she says she just has goodies for me and wants to leave them in there and to try them on and let her know if i like them or not. i thought it was EXTREMELY random, but fuck ill take free clothes lol. she asks me how ive been i say good and apologize for not being around and explains that i was very sick and that this round of covid royally kicked my ass. well she goes on home and tells my father who i guess gets pissed that i did tell him i was sick and writes me a shit ass text about how i dont reach out to him. well it goes both ways bud. you have no issue texting my husband about golf? whatever. anywhoooo.. hes come around and has started reaching out again. and we have been texting. well i would love to spend time with him and all of us have a family day but my ass is sick yet again. so i dont know. i am just so happy that he is reaching out again. she wanted me to have a conversation with him about the drinking but i truly dont feel that i need too... mainly because i have seen the signs that i need to look out for when he is going through it. i havent seen any of those. i lived with that my hole child hood i can notice this shit with only spending 5 minutes with him. and she does tend to be a bit dramatic. seriously... so i am going to take it with a grain of salt and just make sure that he is happy and catch up with him and make plans to spend time together. it just really is important to me. i hate the saying. but i am 100% a daddys girl. i love my dad so much. so anytime i get to spend with him is so important and so fun. i think thats one reason why christmas was so miserable for me because literaly any time with my father is an amazing time. its always so fun and so positive. i mean he is just such a positive fun guy. so me being so miserable and feeling uncomfortable and not being able to spend time with him. that fucking sucked. but hey one of my resolutions this year was to start thinking postively and stop dwelling on the negative shit. its hard to keep up with that but im getting better at it. but ontop of that, im really proud of myself because i have started going back to the gym! i missed a couple of weeks due to being sick. but i am still motivated to go! one thing i want to work on is discipline more than motivation. you can have all the motivation in the world to do something and still not succeed at it. you need to have the discipline to really give it your all and be consistent. and discipline is one thing i 100% lack. but ill get there. today is wednesday. continued-

[soojoelle]

Cut.

What a start to the new year.

Firstly I cut off 3 friends who no longer belong to my life. Especially the last mentioned one, and furthermore I added my mother/famliy to the cut off list.

Christmas was a test. Not for them, but for me on how affected I will feel with their behaviours. And I am happy to say, it barely reached me. As soon as I entered my parents' house I got the words "Calm down a bit, the travel must have been exhausting, you are brabbling again", which made me mask instantly. No surprises here, I expected to not be able to be myself around them. But I did excessive analysis after the meeting with my parents (+grandparents on maternal side). Which resulted in realising on how fucking transparent I was with how I was feeling and what I was thinking. AND YET again I was gaslighted and ignored by them. I knew then, that I will not need any contact to them, since it will only bring me annoyance.

SO, as the time went by, my mother never asked how I was feeling eventho it was weird meeting them after a year, but they acted as if everything was fine. Lie. I recieved random non-meaningful messages like "Oh look I got a cold, I'm suffering" (added a selfie) and another day "Oh I'm inhaling, bc I'm sick"... (yet another selfie). I didn't know what to say to this because I wasn't important to this or this conversation.

After a few days she demanded to show her my new picture. Which meant, she did get the info of me cutting all my hair off. And I asked what she means. Her reply was "your hair"... and I was feeling weird. I didn't intend on sharing this info with her and yet there she was, having info on me, i didn't need her to know. So I was asking her what the way was she got her info and... I pressed on this bc I will not allow anyone giving info about me to her when I am not okay with it. She was ignorant and made it seem like I act up on that question.

SO, after a day or few days... I decided to write a longer text to set boundaries about instagram and telling her how ignored and disrespected I was feeling because of her.

It was a harsh but truthful text... and she took like 2 seconds with her brain... and instantly replied with a gaslighting voicemessage that she is so done with my shit and she cares less and less about me.

I replied with a "Then that's it. Bye." and blocked her.

Afterwards I was shaking and actually had to get confirmation on what I did was actually a brave act for myself and my health and not because she is right.

5/5 people read my text and heard her words... and sided with me, saying my mother doesn't deserve me.

So fuck her, I'm gonna live my life feeling free and happy with myself.

Queer, autistic, nurse, fangirl, excited, exact, interested, bilingual, independent.

Yesterday I went to a fitness studio for the first time as well! I hope I can actually put myself out there and feeling happier than I did the past years.

That's it from me today. Thanks for coming to my tedtalk. ♥