#ran out of steam with this one but I think I've said a good amount

[drbased]

fuuuuuuck so I've come to recognise something.

So I've noticed for some time now that fascism is a form of symbolic state. In Pornography and Silence Susan Griffin talks about the connection between the pornographic mind and fascism, pornography and propaganda, and the violence of both. And I've been reminded of this quote by Umberto Eco: "Truth has already been spelled out once and for all, and we can only keep interpreting its obscure message." And something clicked in me: that's the belief system that underpins the symbolic state of mind. When reality (nature) is secondary to narrative (culture), truths become abstracted from the natural subjectivity of, well, the subject. Truths become something both tangible and intangible, and by this I mean the following:

In reality, there are no 'inherent' truths - that is, the concept of meaning doesn't exist outside us. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to ask 'what does it mean?' then the tree falling means nothing (as long as we assume that trees don't have life, which of course they do - I was just playing with the old phrase). 'Truths', then are simply contextless, amoral facts.

But the symbolic mind finds the existential terror of this fact to be unbearable - there must be meaning, there must be order. So there have to be truths - and as these truths are not observable in reality (for example, we seem to have a natural belief in fairness and have to repeatedly remind ourselves that life is unfair), this results in us believing that there is some inherent, intangible nature to truth; truth has to be above reality in some way. And yet, despite the fact that the quote-unquote real 'truths' are simply the dull facts of life and therefore are so vividly and almost comically tangible, truth under fascism/the symbolic state must be tangible in an entirely different way. In this context, truth has to be something available to us. As truth is not evident in nature, truth has to be above nature, in the same way fascism and the pornographic mind places culture above nature. Similarly, religion is reliant on this perception of truth, even going so far as to literalise the relationship: god is supposed to be this incomprehensible being of ultimate truth but is also like, a guy who we use male human words for, who we can have a personal relationship with, and whose truths are apparently so comprehensible and tangible that not only can they be written down, but also you don't actually need that many words to summarise them!

And that just speaks to the inherent narcissim to the whole thing. I remember a while back I read something talking about the difference between doing things that feel safe vs actually being safe, and how oftentimes things that 'feel safe' are actually very much the opposite - like people staying in doors because they're terrified of getting hit by a car, when statistically you're much more likely to die of things associated with not getting enough exercise. (Funnily enough there was a period of time in my life where I was literally calculating how safe it would be for me to leave the house). The thing is, believing that truths are these intangible, metaphysical things but also you have this magical ability to comprehend them because you're super-special by nature of being a conscious human (especially under fascism, a human of a certain race, and under patriarchy a human of a certain sex, and under conservativism/libertarianism a human of a certain character, and under conspiracy theories a human containing certain knowledge and so on) is something that makes you feel psychologically safe but, as with everything symbolic, makes you extraordinarily psychologically vulnerable. This is why people in power are obsessed with the 'simplicity' of those they oppress. There's an understanding deep down that this relationship with 'truth' is convoluted mental gymnastics - it's the psychological equivalent of junk food, the ahem opiate of the masses. It soothes you temporarily, allowing you to feel that the universe has looked into your soul and given you what you deserve. And people in power are always especially motivated to seek symbolic states, because only through narrative reasoning, through an approach to 'truth' that necessitates separating it from literal reality, can people in power both to justify the violence needed to achieve said power and to justify their comfort in existing in said power.

[sweetestlamb]

Flashlight

Author's note: Wasn't episode 8 just lovely? I just couldn't get this out of my head, they're becoming so dependent on each other. Be still my beating heart. They're reminding me of my MoonMun couple so much and I think that explains my obsession and the amount of fics I've written thus far lol.

Summary: Just for tonight he'll be selfish.

"Are you okay now? Is there someone there?" He moves towards the dark alley that she came bolting from looking as frightened as he's ever seen her. He feels his muscles coil ready to protect her by any means possible. But before he can move she's tightening her hold on him, clinging to him now he can feel her warmth all around him like a blanket.

"No! Don't leave me." Hearing that scared plea causes a blurry memory to resurface in his mind, he can almost feel the words swimming in his mind but the memory is foggy and it evaporates as quickly as it formed.

Strange.

"Okay, okay. I'm not going anywhere. Let's go inside." He starts to maneuver her toward her house at first she moves with him but then she stills, letting out a small sound of recollection.

"My phone." She whispers into his chest, they are pressed so closely he can feel her heartbeat still pounding through her chest into his. He strokes her back in a lazy soothing manner, shocked when she melts into his embrace further. Nothing is making sense at this moment but he doesn't care enough to stop, this.

"What about your phone?" He redirects the conversation and she continues, "I dropped it in there when I ran away."

"Okay. I'll go get it, wait here." He starts to gently untangle her hands from his flannel but she lets out a whine, gripping his shirt even stronger and moving with him.

"I'll---let's go together."

She's trembling now, positively shaking in her spot and he wants to argue with her to just go inside and wait for him but her earlier plea echoes in his ears. He can't leave her alone not right now, so he steps forward feeling her move with him, one step after another until he sees the rectangular object on the ground.

"I'm going to bend down to get it." He can feel her shifting beside him looking around wildly but thankfully no ominous figure appears, they are alone.

After a moment she nods, letting go enough for him to bend and retrieve the device and he checks the screen noting happily that it's not damaged but when he touches the screen it doesn't turn on so he tries again.

"It's dead. I forgot to charge it." She admits, taking the phone from his grasp.

He turns to her with a sharp stare, "You stayed out late after what happened and didn't charge your phone? Are you that fearless?" He chides, frustrated with her lack of awareness and disregard for her safety. If anything ever happened to her he would.... He would.......

"It wasn't on purpose. I didn't realize. I know it was irresponsible."

It's not a response he's expecting, the Hye Jin he knows would argue back, hardly taking shit from him ergo her meek uncharacteristic reply makes him feel worst, he shouldn't be blaming her especially after seeing first-hand how scared she is.

"Let's go inside now, it's cold and you're shaking." They both know the temperature has very little to do with her tremors but she doesn't disagree and carelessly he enters the code when they reach the door, ignoring the jolt in his chest that erupts as he enters his own birthday and the door clicks open. He thought she would have changed it by now.

He's grateful she hasn't.

They both take off their shoes, standing side by side now her arm around his waist and his around her shoulder. It's a small space and they can barely move but they work around it, reluctant to release each other.

"Thank you." Her voice is barely above a whisper, he thinks that he almost imagined it. He had an excuse prepared this time, he was merely patrolling and happened to pass her house. That was the lie he intended to go with, but something in her voice stops him from saying those deceitful words. He's tired of hiding and making up excuses for being around her.

"You're welcome. Here sit down, I'll make you some tea." Thoughtlessly he moves towards the kitchen, taking two steps until he can't move anymore. She's holding onto him tightly, he turns around looking at her small closed fists and then her trembling pretty face.

With a soft sigh, he takes her hand rubbing a thumb across the smooth skin.

"Just come with me." Immediately she steps forward pressing into his back, he tries to calm his heart taking the teapot and filling it with water, then he opens the cabinet retrieving a mug and setting it aside.

"I like honey. And a squeeze of lemon." He smiles at her soft demands.

Now that sounds more like his dentist. The bottle of honey is in her top cabinet and he grabs a fresh lemon from the fridge cutting it in half.

They stand silently as the water boils and he finally feels his anger boiling away as well. Angry that he was almost too late and that his town isn't safe anymore, angry that someone was able to shake this immoveable woman.

The shrill ringing of the teapot breaks him from his impasse, on autopilot he pours the water on the tea bag, then squeezes the honey in the steaming water, "I like a lot of honey." She's attached to his back her voice vibrating straight through him, he freezes when she wraps her arms around his waist. Her closeness is messing with his mind, but he tries to finish his job and get them on the couch maybe with some distance between them.

For his sanity.

"Let's go sit down." He grabs both mugs walking over to her couch, placing her cup on the far right and taking a seat on the far left putting a sea of distance between them. But immediately she sits down right next to him, leaving no space between them she might as well be in his lap. He squirms in place, standing up to get some reprieve but she grabs his hand staring up at him.

"Where are you going?" Fear bleeds into her voice and he lets go of his hesitations, tonight is not about him.

Leaning over he grabs her cup, tugging it closer.

"Nowhere, I'm not going anywhere. Drink your tea."

She blinks slowly at him before nodding and bringing the warm beverage to her lips. Her hum of satisfaction warms him all the way down to his toes.

"It's good. You really are good at everything." He preens at the compliment, thinking of all the times this week he wasn't needed or was cast aside for Director Ji. He's been swallowing his jealousy all week. So her words fill a hollow space in his chest.

He watches her drink the entire cup, ignoring his own growing cold on the table.

"I need to charge my phone." She suddenly says and he stares before nodding, taking the opportunity to drink his lukewarm tea. But then he notices that she's not moving despite having the phone and charging in her hand.

"What's wrong?" He raises an eyebrow in confusion.

She looks embarrassed now, unable to meet his eyes and he's flabbergasted at her reaction.

"Come with me?" He stares at her, feeling the same pride bloom as when she sat next to him instead of her sunbae, she's leaning on him.

He spots an outlet across the room, "Okay let's go there." She looks relieved at his lack of teasing, together they walk over to the outlet and she bends to plug in the charger and puts the phone on the ground.

In seconds the phone comes to life and he feels a sharp pain in his chest as a barrage of messages light up her phone, the majority from one person. When she clicks to open the message he instinctively looks away, not wanting to witness their conversation.

"He messaged so much." Her voice is filled with awe and childishly he moves away. He'd almost forgotten that she didn't actually need him. He was just conveniently there.

"I should go now. You're safe. Make sure to come home earlier from now on, maybe ask him to walk you home." It hurts to utter those words but it's easier than being replaced later, it's okay if he's the one that pushes her away first. "I'll see myself out."

He stands ready to leave, pointedly not looking back before he changes his mind and stays forever.

She was just scared, tonight didn't mean anything.

He grabs his fallen bagpack thrusting it on his shoulder, hopping into his boots all ready to head out. But it's unusually quiet, the silence is so deafening that he can't stop himself from looking back over at her. It's a mistake, a huge one at that. The phone has fallen from her hands, abandoned to the side and she's looking at him with the most desolate stare he's ever seen, moisture pooling in her huge round eyes.

"What's wrong? Why are you cry--"

"You said you wouldn't leave me. Why are you changing your mind? What if someone is still there? What am I supposed to do without yo--u?" Her voice cracks on the last word and his heart follows, she needs him. Nobody else has this week but here she is breaking down because he tried to leave, she needs him.

His decision is made for him in that moment.

As soon as he's close enough to touch she's clinging to him once again, he only absently realizes that she's trying to lead them to her bedroom but even he's not saintly enough for that so he stops her.

"Let's go to the couch. You'll feel more comfortable."

She doesn't question him seemingly happy to follow his lead.

The couch is comfy but definitely not intended for two grown adults, leaning over the arm rest he tries to get situated and once he stops moving she's snuggling into his side curling around him like a cat.

"Whenever I was scared, my mom used to stroke my hair."

He stares at the wall in front of them, wondering if she's aware of just how many lines they're crossing tonight- no catapulting over. But he's tired of second guessing himself so he stops thinking and just listens, bringing the hand that is curled on her shoulder up to her head before dragging his palm down her soft hair, gulping when she moans at the ministrations.

Her breathing starts to deepen and he feels her body losing its tension, she's falling asleep and once she succumbs he can finally make his escape, that's his plan. But he doesn't expect her to start stroking him too, her hand delicate on his chest.

"You've worked hard. Stopping a scammer and saving me all while recovering from a cold."

It's nothing. It's what he's supposed to do.

But it feels so good to hear those words, words that he hardly heard growing up.

"Go to sleep." He says instead of thank you, instead of kissing her like he's wanted to since he saw her outside and she ran straight into his heart.

It's a miracle but she listens to him, drifting to sleep her head heavy on his chest and he knows that he should wait a few minutes and try to extract himself but he can't, not tonight. Just for tonight he'll be selfish.

"You're making me want all sorts of things." He whispers to her sleeping face, terrified of her and all that she makes him feel. Feeling emboldened by their almost kiss initiated by her, he pushes her hair behind her ear taking a second to really looking at her face. She really is that beautiful. It doesn't seem fair. Leaning down he presses a soft kiss to her forehead, her skin is sleep warm and perfectly smooth. He presses a second one shamelessly. Her lips are right there and heavens knows that he's tempted but he can't take advantage, can't bring himself to do anything else. That's enough.

He doesn't know when he fell asleep but he wakes up to Mi-seon throwing a blanket over them, he keeps his eyes tightly shut mentally berating himself for that leaving when he had a chance.

"Just friends my ass. Just admit that you like him, look at the way you're clinging to him."

Somehow they traversed further down the couch in their sleep, both laying horizontal now with her body on top on his and her head tucked under his chin.

"I've never seen her sleep so peacefully though. She looks so young."

He tries not to think too deeply into what that might mean, listening to the retreating footsteps of her roommate and feeling himself losing the battle with sleep. She'll probably be embarrassed to find them this way tomorrow but that's a hurdle for another day.

Just for tonight I'll hold her. Until I'm not allowed to hold her anymore.

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer I

Part 02: That James Deam Daydream

series masterlist | previous part

summary: After the car accident, you haven’t been able to get Rafe out of your mind but hasn’t he already caused enough trouble?

a/n: With the semester ending I have a lot more free time so I plan on updating this series more consistently (ie weekly)!! I’m also gonna start a taglist for this series so if you want to be added to it drop a ☀️ in my inbox/messages!

word count: 1.5k

The fluorescent lights of the hospital flooded your vision as you blinked your groggy eyes open. The machines you were connected to beeped slow and hypnotically beside you. You could feel the pain that would ripple through your body with every movement before had even attempted to sit up. Your breathing was labored and forced, an unusual sensation.

Your mom entered the room carrying two cups of steaming coffee which she placed on the small table in the corner of the room as soon as she noticed you were awake. She sat down quickly in the chair that was situated on the left side of your hospital bed. She automatically took your hand in hers.

"Oh, good, honey. You're awake. How are you feeling?" She asked, her brow knit together in concern. The bags under her eyes seemed to give you some indication of how long you'd been out. Your mother was always the most put together in the room. Her dirty blonde hair, the same color as yours, always gave the allusion of having been freshly blown out. Her makeup never looked chalky or stale, a skill you'd never quite been able to replicate. She lived in black blazers and stilettos, her purse resting in the nook of her arm.

The person holding tightly onto your hand in that hospital room was an entirely different version of your mom. One that two days ago had gotten a call that her daughter had gotten into a car crash, thrown a bunch of clothes in a suitcase, and board the first available flight from Oregon to the Outer Banks.

Your eyelids drooped, it was taking all your energy to keep them open so you let them close.

"Mom," you said, your voice coming out just barely above a whisper. "What happened?" You asked, even though you remembered most of what had happened the night of the crash.

The way you'd scrapped your knee climbing out of your window of your Nonna's house. The beautiful Cameron boy. The bonfire and the stink eye Phoebe had given you all night. The headlights of the car bellowing down the wrong side of the road. Rafe's hand grabbings yours.

Your mom reached up and brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen onto your face. "You were in a car crash y/n. The other car hit the side of the one you were in and pushed you into a ditch. The force of the airbag fractured your rib which punctured your lung. The doctors said you're gonna be okay but they're keeping you on an IV drip of some pain meds."

Your chest did feel heavy but not just from the injuries.

"Wh- what about Rafe? Is he okay?" You forced yourself to open your eyes.

Your mom breathed in sharply. "He's okay. He left the hospital yesterday with his dad with only a concussion and a broken wrist."

"Mmmhmm." You mumbled in acknowledgment. You could feel sleep taking over once again. "I love you." You said to your mom before drifting off.

☼☼☼

Your bed was littered with the clothes you should have been packing because your flight left early tomorrow morning but instead, you were laying on the floor staring up at the ceiling, the fan whirling around rapidly. The August heat had seeped into the house, causing you to break into a sweat with the smallest movement. The sounds of the conversation between your Nonna and mom echoed from downstairs. You were sure they were probably arguing about you, again.

Your mom hadn't been able to let the accident go even though. You tried to explain to her how you'd left the house without your Nonna's permission so it wasn't like it was totally her fault. You sighed, wincing at the pain that still ran through your body when you took too deep a breath.

A tiny ping filled your ears causing you to sit up.

Ping. There it was again.

A third peddle hit your window. You walked over to it, sliding it open to see Rafe standing on the lawn below.

Your breath hitched. You hadn't seen him since that night but he looked exactly the same except for the black splint on his wrist.

"Hi," he yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth so his voice carried.

You glanced over your shoulder nervous that your mom or Nonna were going to walk into the room at any moment having heard Rafe's shouting.

"Come up here," you replied, waving him up to your room.

With a surprising amount of speed for someone with only one good wrist, he pulled himself up the side of the porch and climbed through your window.

His eyes meet yours as he landed on the carpet and words escaped you entirely. The sparks that had been there that night hadn't disappeared at all.

"Hey, stranger," Rafe said, failing to hold back a smirk.

"Nice cast," you replied.

He looked down at it and quickly back up at you. "I'm sorry about everything. I promised to get you home safe and then got us into a car crash. Not exactly how I pictured the night ending." He forced a laugh but the regret in his voice was unmissable.

You took a step closer to him. "You don't have to apologize Rafe. You did everything you could. And I'm okay. You're okay. We're alive." There was more you wanted to say but the words seemed to disappear before you could form them.

Rafe closed the distance between the two of you stopping right in front of you. "God, I like you so much and I really fucked it up. Didn't I?"

This time a genuine laugh escaped you. "I think we might be able to salvage it." You responded feeling unusually bold. You grabbed his face, pulling him down to your level and placed an urgent kiss on his lips.

He slipped his own hand behind your neck, keeping your mouth pressed against his. The air around you was electric and neither of you dared to pull away first.

The door to your bedroom swung open and your Nonna's loud stern voice suddenly took over.

"Y/n y/l/n."

You stepped away from Rafe quickly, dropping your arms to your side. You turned around to face your Nonna. Her face was set with anger.

"Out Mr. Cameron." She instructed.

"Right. I was just leaving." He replied, moving back towards the window.

"Out the front door." Your Nonna clarified.

"Oh, yeah. Of course. My bad." Rafe said. His eyes connected with yours for just a moment as he walked out of the room. Your head the front door close behind him a few beats later.

You stayed frozen in the middle of the room, awaiting the lecture you knew was coming next.

Your Nonna crossed the room and shut the window.

"You're letting all the a/c out." She said, dryly.

"I'm sorry," you responded, apologizing for more than leaving the window open.

"A Cameron boy almost ruined your mother's life. I won't let the same thing happen to you." Your Nonna pushed some of your clothes aside and sat down on the bed.

"Your mom," she started again. "She started dating Rafe's dad, Ward, during her junior year. He was a year older and going to UNC in the fall. She wanted to follow him after she graduated high school. She thought she loved him and I told her no. Told her she could pick anywhere else but I wouldn't pay for her to throw her life away for puppy love. They broke up in October of her senior year. She barely spoke more than a few words to me for months. Then she moved away to California for college and didn't call me her entire freshman year. It was the hardest thing I've had to do as a mother. It almost ruined me. Ruined our relationship. But he was never going to really make her happy. He didn't love her like she loved him and it would never have lasted and then she'd be stuck at a school that she hadn't chosen for herself." Your Nonna looked up at you as she finished speaking.

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" She asked. "That Cameron boy isn't good for you." Your Nonna stood up and walked over to you. She placed a kiss on your forehead. "I love you, muffin."

"I love you too." You replied. "I gotta finish packing."

"Okay," she said, closing the door behind her as she walked out of your room.

You flopped backward onto your bed and let out an audible groan. You had finally kissed Rafe Cameron and of course, your Nonna had to walk in at that moment.

Your phone, which had been previously discarded in the mess on your bed, buzzed. You pulled it out from under a pile of swimsuits. A text from Rafe popped up on the screen.

r: 'I'm officially scared of your grandma.'

y/n: 'hahah did you know our parents dated in hs?'

r: 'Really? I didn't. Weird.'

r: 'When do you leave?'

y/n: 'tomorrow moring'

The three dots showing that Rafe was typing appeared the screen up again and then went away. You waited another moment before turning your phone off and tossing it to the side.

You knew your Nonna just wanted the best for you but it wasn't gonna be easy to get Rafe Cameron out of your head.

[radellama]

If you're still taking asks for the fanfic questions - 1+3+5+15 for Faith

HOLY SHIT HYLINK FAN HI

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

Man it's been so long since I wrote this that it's a little hard to remember. I know that what I wanted to do was create my take on The Legend™ of what led to Hylia knighting the original Link + what led to her choice to shed her divinity. It was going to lead right up to the events of Skyward Sword, acting as a full prequel.

Another thing worth mentioning for influence is the himekawa manga- there were some visuals in there that I really wanted to expand upon, but I did try to go through my own route- inspiration not imitation yknow?

The main draw, and unique point, I feel is the way that I'm building the narrative between current events and links memories. I wanted there to be two stories unfolding parallel- I wanted the main stuff with Hylia to be linear (in respect to the games) and links memories to be nonlinear (to give some agency for the viewer to figure stuff out themselves) - so weaving memories in at points where link is unconscious or zoning out was a fun challenge for me as a writer to add context and for readers to rearrange based on how I've linked them

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?

It amused him, that his dying thoughts were to a goddess he had long lost his faith to, yet at death's calling it seemed only appropriate.

5: What part was hardest to write?

Sighhhhh as I said it's been so long... I think where I stopped WAS the hardest part- because I hadn't finished forming my plans for the narrative but I had a clear idea of where I wanted to go. So it feels like I burnt my bridge before I even got to it. I really loved what I put down (I wouldn't have posted if I wasn't happy with it) but I think I need to replay ss, plan it better and then restart this fic tbh. My writing has improved since I wrote that as a teen and my author-ial quirks and flairs are much more defined, so I wouldn't need to change much other than tightening it up when I restart.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

How to plan (by doing it wrong)

I had some plans but I was too vague with myself and didn't link plot points in ways I could understand when time had passed. Because of that, when I inevitably got busy with trying to graduate high school and then starting work/adult life, I ran out of steam and found myself unable to access the headspace I needed to jump back in.

Now, I have better planning. My magland story is planned in a similar way to this hylink one, it's the natural evolution of what I wanted to plan when creating a fic like this- and because I've also learnt more about how nitpicky I am (and that in general I'm a busy person) that just by the sheer amount of time it takes me to get chapters out, I'll need better plans for bigger things. That's why I've gone insane with planning my st au, cause I know it'll take forever, and it has.

I really really want to continue this fic, I still think about it often- I just feel guilty that I can't regain the original headspace to continue and therefore had to drop it. Other stuff, mainly my chrono stuff, has a stronger inspiration for me right now, but my chrono stuff wouldn't be half as good if I didn't start with this fic, yknow? Just wait like..5 years lmao. I really do intend to revisit this soon. I just think I need to finish some other fics first and grind that xp lmao

Send me some asks about my fics~

You can read Faith here

[fridge-reviews]

Horizon Zero Dawn: Complete Edition

Developer: Guerrilla Games Publisher: PlayStation Mobile Rrp: £39.99 (Gog.com, Humblebundle, Steam and Epic) Released: 28th February 2017 (PlayStation 4 release) 7th August 2020 (PC Release) Available on: Gog.com, Humblebundle, Steam and Epic Played Using: An Xbox One Control Pad Approximate game length: 40 Hours Console exclusivity, I could write a whole essay on the good and ills of console exclusivity. Generally speaking I'm against titles being exclusive, be they console or digital store. Its just a way to force people into a ecosystem by holding a title (or set of titles) to ransom. I have a slightly more lenient attitude to 'timed exclusives' because at least they eventually become accessible to everyone. Horizon Zero Dawn is an open world adventure game set long after an apocalypse of some kind has happened. At this point the world has regrown its flora and what's left of humanity has reverted to a more primitive way of life. However along with the new flora are machines that look a lot like animals. You play as Aloy, a young woman who was born an Outcast from her tribe. Early on in the game Aloy finds a device from the past called a Focus that allows her to analyse the machines that inhabit the world, along with many other functions that become apparent as you play.

Originally Horizon Zero Dawn was exclusive to the Playstation 4 and I have to say I really hope that Sony release more of their exclusives. It only makes sense to release them to the PC after a few years, anyone who was going to buy the console and the game has already done so by now, releasing to PC just allows them to mop up some extra cash. Consider that it sold 716,000 copes in the first month of its PC release. This move could work very well for Sony as it introduces a whole new group of players to their various titles, and in the case of Horizon Zero Dawn it was released on PC just as the sequel was announced for the Playstation, which could very easily drive some extra sales of PS4 and PS5's just for that game alone. Unfortunately before I can go into all the things this game does right I have to cover its flaws, or at least the ones I've witnessed. The big one for me being that every time you start the game up it will begin to optimise it's shaders, this process took up to ten minutes each time I booted up the game on my system. You can choose to play the game so that it does this process in the background but I found that it caused it to run at an abysmal framerate (about ten to fifteen fps) which rendered the game virtually unplayable. However I did find a way to at least shorten the time it takes to only a few minutes, which was to run the game in admin mode. I only wish I knew why that worked for me as upon researching it not everyone had success with this method. Another, far smaller, issue was that the lip syncing for the character models was a bit off and no amount of graphical tinkering could fix that for me. Thankfully, as flaws go this one is something I can overlook when the rest of the game is just so gorgeous and fun to play.

Now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way its time to cover what might be the most important part of an open world game, the world itself. I think that Horizon Zero Dawn might feature the largest number of biomes I've seen appear in the genre. Of course, the proximities of them all make no sense since you can travel from a desert into a verdant grassland and then into a frozen wasteland on foot within a day, so some suspension of disbelief is needed. That being said the world map is definitely on the large side. In fact I was curious as to how large so I ran from one side to the other in the most direct route possible. That journey took nearly 25 minutes at full sprint the whole way. I also have to say the Guerrilla Games have really excelled with creating such a beautiful world to roam around in. Even on my system that wasn't running the game at anywhere close to full graphical fidelity (prioritising framerate) it all looked absolutely stunning. Of course like any open world game there are an absolute ton of icons on the map screen, although many of them relate to where a specific herd of machines are located. Unlike other open world games the fast travel between campfires or settlements isn't free. Each time you utilise the fast travel mechanic a 'fast travel pack' is consumed. This might sound like the game is punishing the player for making use of the mechanic, and in a way it is, but this encourages the player to explore and travel the world on foot (or by riding a mount). Also these packs can be bought cheaply from any merchant, are easy to craft and can sometimes be found on human enemies. Later on in the game you can purchase an item that allows unlimited fast travel use, it's quite expensive but then by the time you reach the point to want to buy it it'll likely be easily within your budget.

The majority of the time your main opponent in this game will be the various machines that wander the world. Most of these have the form of animals from the old world including some from the extremely distant past. It should be noted that even the smallest and weakest of the machines, the watcher, isn't a foe that you can take lightly even in the late game they can hit quite hard and be the cause of some major trouble and that's before they alert everyone about you being around. Every machine has at least one weak point, its just a matter of having the right weapon to take advantage of it. Shooting these not only damages the machine considerably but can also disable certain attacks it could perform. In addition to this, often you can search for the parts you shot off and salvage a component that just killing the machine is unlikely to give. One of the main things to remember is that Aloy is primarily a hunter and a tracker, not a warrior. She is at her best when she can ambush her prey at the right moment after studying its movements or at least strike at a critical weak spot. To aid with this Aloy can hide in tall grass to avoid detection, though this only goes so far if you miss a shot your target can work out where it came from and may even begin to attack the location.

As you complete quests, do side missions and kill enemies you'll gain experience and thusly gain levels. Each level gives you a skill point that can be spent in the skills menu. There are a variety of skills you can spend these points on, ranging from ones that increase the damage your melee attacks do through to the ability to repair your mount. As I mentioned before machines once killed (or if a weak point is destroyed) will drop components. These components can be used to craft ammunition while in the field as well as be used as items for trade with merchants. Another thing that both machines and your human opponents will drop are metal shards, which act as currency. You can buy more weapons and armour as well as upgraded versions of existing items in shops. However, sometimes metal shards aren't enough and a resource such as an animal skin or a machine part is also needed to purchase an item. This becomes especially true for equipment the further into the game you go.

It's very tempting to treat any open world game with a third person perspective like its an Assassin's Creed title, especially one that puts such a large emphasis on stealth. The thing is that unlike the Assassins Creed series you can't just clamber and climb anywhere, instead this game is more in-line with Tomb Raider where there are clearly marked places for you to climb, usually depicted with yellow in some way. Because this is the Complete Edition this game also comes with the Frozen Wilds DLC that introduces a new area. Unfortunately I have no idea how well integrated this DLC is into the game since I never played the game previously and to me the Banuk tribe felt like a natural inclusion rather than something tacked on. This new area is known as 'The Cut' and is much more challenging than the base game. I went in with a character who was ten levels higher than the 'suggested level' and was fully equipped and I still struggled. The one unfortunate issue that comes from this DLC is that once you complete it you should have some even better equipment than when you started. It sounds like an odd thing to say but having such equipment can and does make the base game feel much less challenging. Good thing you can crank the difficulty up whenever you feel like it.

Once you complete the game you can play again on New Game Plus, this will give you all your equipment and skills from when you completed the game. This comes with the added benefit of being able to get 'adept' weapons that have more customisability and cosmetic items like face paints etc. This is the first game in a while where I didn't just finish the game but went out of my way to get all of the collectibles and complete every mission I could, and I did it all because I wanted to continue exploring the world.

If this appeals to you perhaps try;

Nier: Automata Tomb Raider The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

No one' POV

6 days before the wedding

(Y/N) moved back in the survey corps headquarter but, this time she started using the room attached to her office. It wasn't as big as Levi's room as she was of a lower rank, but, it was big enough for her to stay in for a week. Her belongings were brought in the room with the help of her squad members from Levi's room. (Y/N) was worried about how things would go with the landlord of the house she thought of renting, given that she wouldn't need it anymore, but it went quiet well as the landlord was a very understanding person. It all happened the day after Levi came to talk to (Y/N).

"(Y/N)! WAKE UP!" (Y/N) woke up to the shouts of Hanji. "Being commander didn't change her a bit... I'll have to lock my door from tomorrow" (Y/N) thought spitefully as she sat on the bed and glared at Hanji. Starting from talking to that landlord to cleaning this entire room and making it liveable, (Y/N) did all that yesterday and wanted nothing more than some extra hours of sleep, but, of course, Hanji has no regard for privacy.

"Did someone die?" (Y/N) asked Hanji, hoping that she would have a valid explanation for waking her up. "Not yet but I'm pretty sure I would if you don't come with me now?" Hanji replied. "Why?" (Y/N) asked her, irritation never leaving her face. "Well, if I can recall properly, I was given the responsibility to get you a wedding dress. I don't have any idea how long it takes to make those but I'm pretty sure it would take about a week. So, we need to go now." Hanji explained. "Hanji, I'm not planning to have a big wedding anymore. I will talk to Levi about it today. I don't think I'll need a wedding dress as we will just get it done on papers in the Trost court house. After all that tragedy, I don't think I am ready for a big wedding." (Y/N) explained, appreciating the thoughtfulness of Hanji but annoyed that she was woken nonetheless.

"(Y/N), it's your big day. Trust me, you won't regret buying a dress. If you deny it right now, as your commander, I order you to get your ass up and go with me." Hanji told (Y/N), looking serious suddenly. "Okay? Well, I know this shop. The shopkeeper, an old lady, helped me out in a tight spot once. I want to buy the dress from there." (Y/N) demanded, recalling the time when she was chased by the military police. "Yeah sure. No problem. Get dressed now!" Hanji told (Y/N) with a smile, not moving from her spot. "Well, I'm surprised that you didn't try to convince me to have a big wedding..." (Y/N) told Hanji as she got her skirt and shirt out.

"Well, that's true but it doesn't mean you would necessarily have a simple court wedding..." Hanji muttered, her mind in the clouds. (Y/N) looked straight at Hanji with suspicion and asked, "Hanji, what exactly do you mean by that?". "Oh! What? Well, life is tricky right?! You never know what could happen in the future. Never mind what I'm saying, okay?" Hanji babbled with a nervous laugh, thus increasing (Y/N)'s suspicion.

"Okay... " (Y/N) answered, clearly not accepting Hanji's attempt to hide whatever intentions she had. Hanji still didn't move from her place. "Uh, Hanji, could you get out of my room? I need to change clothes." (Y/N) told her. "Oh sure, I'll be in the stable. Be there in 15 minutes." Hanji told before running off. (Y/N) quickly dressed up, ran to the breakfast hall and grabbed a steamed potato and ran off to the stables while eating it, barely making it in 15 minutes.

"There you are! Let's go to that shop you were talking about. I had Diana saddle the horse." Hanji said excitedly. Diana stood there, holding the horses. (Y/N) thanked her and got on the horse. Hanji did the same and she followed her to that old lady's store. The old lady immediately recognised (Y/N) when she entered the store. "Hello Ms (L/N)! I'm so glad you were okay after that day! What brings you here?" the old lady asked (Y/N). "Good to see you ma'am. Without your help I wouldn't be alive to see this day. I am heavily indebted to you for that. You see, I am about to get married soon and I was planning to buy the wedding dress from here." (Y/N) explained with a smile.

"Oh, yes dear, I did hear about the wedding. Congratulations! I've heard that Captain Levi never showed any intention of settling down. Poor man probably lost so many comrades that it must've been hard to fall in love. I'm glad that he is finding solace in life. I am really happy for the two of you. However, I'm afraid that I could not give you much options to choose from in case of wedding dresses. It takes about a month to make a custom made wedding dress and as much as I've heard, your wedding is in a week right? I'm afraid that you have to choose from one of my pre-made wedding dresses. I can certainly alter those for you in a week." the old lady explained.

"Oh, that's not a problem. I'm not having a big wedding. It's just going to be a courthouse wedding. After all the tragedies from the operation to retake wall Maria, it seems unfitting to have a big wedding." (Y/N) sighed. "Very well, take a look at the collection then. Please follow me." the old lady said with a smile.

"Uh... Hanji, isn't it a bit...revealing?" (Y/N) muttered with a blush as she tried on a white wedding dress with a warm pink border on the hands and the hem of the dress. Over the breast, there was a baby pink thin border. The whole back was open in this strapless dress. The simplicity of the dress showed (Y/N)'s beauty perfectly, though the marks on her back had to be removed with makeup, which Hanji knew she could convince Historia to do for (Y/N). (Y/N) however, was concerned about how revealing the dress was because...she was (Y/N). She had never been much keen on fashion. "(Y/N), you only will get married once. This dress suits you better than all the other ones." Hanji tried to convince (Y/N).

After about 30 minutes of Hanji's attempts to convince (Y/N), which later ended with an "I'm your commander (Y/N), you'll buy this dress", Hanji successfully got (Y/N) to order the dress. The old lady promised to alter it to (Y/N)'s size in a week after taking her measurements. "Well, I'll have to let Levi know about my plan for the courthouse wedding.. I guess I'll have to go to his office after going to the survey corps headquarter." (Y/N) thought as she got on her horse.

Meanwhile,

Levi was sitting at his office, getting paperwork done. He didn't talk to (Y/N) since that day but no matter how much she missed her, he knew that she needed some space and he respected that. Suddenly, someone knocked at the door. "State your name and business" Levi said, loud enough for the person outside the door to hear. "Great. The last thing I wanted to deal with was people. As if all these paperwork aren't bad enough." Levi thought to himself, making an irritated expression.

"It's cadet Schwarz. I needed to talk to you, heichou.". "Come in" Levi replied as Marie from (Y/N)'s squad got in the room. Levi didn't approve of the fact that (Y/N) allowed this girl on her squad because she almost got (Y/N)'s whole squad killed on expeditions. At the end, (Y/N) had to save all of them even though she felt sick when she used 3DMG. The amount of titans were less during the night time expeditions, but, there were always those special titans that could move using the moon light. "What is it?" Levi asked her, not looking up from the paperwork.

"Well, heichou, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I honestly never thought squad leader (Y/N) would ever do something like this. But yes, I never liked her much anyway. Honestly, when I heard that the special operations squad is taking members, I thought it was your squad. I had no interest in joining some junior's squad. However, if now that I am more experienced, could I join your squad? After all, squad leader (Y/N) doesn't seem to go to any expedition at all nowadays..." she tried to continue but Levi stopped her.

"Hold on, what are you talking about? You really thought that you could say all those shit about (Y/N) and get to join my squad? Even if you had a minimum amount of decency, you aren't qualified enough to join my squad. I saw how you were on expeditions. You nearly got your whole squad killed more than once. If (Y/N) wasn't there, you all would be nothing more than titan shit. Weren't you complaining about not going to expeditions recently? Tell me, cadet, how many people came back from the last expedition? Have you ever seen as less as 9 people coming back from an expedition before? I didn't think so. If you are so eager to be titan fodder, I can get someone to take you and throw you off the wall. By the way, what loss are you talking about?" Levi told her with a stoic expression, still not looking up from the paperwork.

Marie on the other hand was on the verge of crying. "Well, I heard that the wedding is cancelled? That squad leader (Y/N) left you?" Marie choked out. "Levi, I needed to talk to you about the wedding." (Y/N) entered Levi's office just as Marie finished. Levi looked up from the paperwork at (Y/N) and said, "Where did you run off to during breakfast? Oh, and there seems to be a rumour about our wedding getting cancelled. Cadet Schwarz just informed me about it.". " I see. Well, the wedding is happening. Infact, I went to the market with Hanji to order a wedding dress today. That's why I had to leave during breakfast. Oh and Levi, I was wondering if we can get a courthouse wedding. I don't think a big wedding would be fitting after such a big tragedy..." (Y/N) sighed.

"That's fine with me." Levi simply answered. "Marie, tell whoever that started the rumour that the wedding will take place. By the way, Marie, you are violating the dress code. Your shirt has three buttons opened. I'm supposed to report things like that to Hanji but I suppose I will give you a chance. I don't want to see such indiscipline again. Aren't you slacking off from cleaning duties right now? Go get your work done now." (Y/N) ordered Marie firmly. "Hai!" Marie muttered before getting out of Levi's office. "I left you alone for a week and people already are flirting with you." (Y/N) sighed as she sat on a chair in front of Levi.

"If that was flirting, she was doing a horrible job at it." Levi muttered as he looked back at the paperwork. "Why do you insist on keeping her in your squad? She almost killed your squad more than once because she was trying to save her own skin. She just talked bullshit about you moments back. That type of soldier isn't fit for an elite squad." Levi muttered. "She has potential. However, I'm second guessing my decisions now given that she is after you." (Y/N) sighed. "We really are getting married..." (Y/N) muttered with a small smile. "Hmm. We are." Levi muttered, looking up from the paperwork towards (Y/N). "Do you think we will have a happy life?" (Y/N) asked him. "I don't know about that. A happy life in this world sounds unlikely, but, I know that I won't regret a single thing about this decision." Levi answered. "I won't regret anything either" (Y/N) told Levi with a smile.

4 days before the wedding

(Y/N) was at the courthouse. She sat with Hanji, Jean and Historia at the waiting room. Historia was reading a letter that Ymir sent her through Reiner. Hanji arrived there not long ago. Levi was going to bring Eren, Mikasa and Armin. (Y/N) didn't face Armin till and didn't know how she would either. However, she had to do it sooner or later. "Is that all there was?" Historia asked when she was done reading. (Y/N) was distracted by her nervousness when Jean was asking Historia if there was any code. Armin would be here soon. (Y/N) didn't know how to react when she would see him. After all, he was chosen to live over Erwin... Just then, Levi, along with Eren, Mikasa and Armin entered. (Y/N) looked at Armin for a moment before looking away. She wasn't ready to face him yet. Armin got the message and didn't talk to (Y/N) either.

The court made the decision to let everyone inside the walls know about the new threat. That the new enemy was the world. It was time for a little break and after the break, the plans of making Wall Maria safe would be discussed and a decision would be taken. (Y/N) sat with Levi and Hanji, the only higher up members left in the survey corps.

"Well, I was thinking that maybe we should start the operation to make Wall Maria safe as soon as possible when the new recruits come in. Maybe train them for a while too. It would take about four months to get all the titans killed given that the executioner from hell would still be working. It would all be done by winter in that case. The death toll will be high though.." Hanji sighed as she sipped her cup of tea. They were all sitting in the waiting room, having tea and discussing the plans. "Hanji, I have an idea. It's more of a gamble but it might work really well." (Y/N) told Hanji as she sipped her tea.

"Huh? I thought you didn't like gambling." Hanji muttered, quiet surprised. "I usually don't but see it as a tribute to uncle Erwin." (Y/N) replied. "What's the plan?" Levi asked (Y/N). "Well, what if we wait till winter? I will have my delivery by then and can participate in the mission. The executioner from hell could be working before snowfall starts. If the new recruits are given longer training, they will be more efficient as we won't be avoiding titans anymore and instead will be charging towards them. If long term training is given, and I'm in the front line, the four months could be reduced to a month and there would be fewer deaths." (Y/N) explained.

"But.. We never went on expeditions during winter... Snow storms could completely ruin everything..." Hanji muttered. "Yes. There's always that risk but snow storms usually occur during December. The weather is more or less peaceful on Januarys even though that's the coldest month. We will need more insulated uniforms however." (Y/N) explained. "That does make sense... But you're supposed to be on rest for 2 months after childbirth." Hanji stated. "I'll be fine by a month. Trust me." (Y/N) answered to that. "(Y/N), I won't let an injured soldier on the battlefield." Levi stated, glaring at (Y/N). "Levi, I can attend training for a week before the expedition. If I'm performing good enough, I'll go. In both ways, number of deaths will be reduced. If I don't go, it might take a bit more time but that's all about it." (Y/N) answered. "Very well, I'll propose this plan to the supreme Commander." Hanji stated.

2 days before the wedding

(Y/N)'s plan was accepted by the Supreme commander. Hanji was in charge of implementing it as she was the new commander. It was printed in newspapers about the truth behind titans. Today, the nine survivors from the operation to retake wall Maria would be honoured. (Y/N) along with her squad was present there, to see the others get awarded. There, before the awarding ceremony started, she came face to face with Armin. Floch was telling him that he didn't deserve to live and Erwin did. That made (Y/N) remember exactly what her mother told her a few months back. Floch was wrong. Armin deserves to live. They both did.

"Floch" (Y/N) called out as she approached the group. "Don't ever say that someone didn't deserve to live. Both of them deserved to live. Armin just was the lucky one. That's all there is to it." she told him. "Sorry, squad leader (Y/N) but it's just what I think." Floch replied. "Floch is right. If there is anyone who can get us out of this situation.. It's not me." Armin stated with a grim expression. "What makes you say that? Didn't you just hear what (Y/N) said?... " Eren said as he continued about everything outside the wall, about freedom, about how no one knows the outcome. He did learn a lot from Levi. (Y/N) knew that Levi would be proud of him.

"Armin, I wish uncle Erwin was alive and standing here too. However, that doesn't mean I wish you were dead. You got the chance to live, so make it worth uncle Erwin's life. You need to make us all proud now." (Y/N) told Armin. "Hey, you brats. It's time. Line up." Levi told the others as he arrived. He made an eye contact with (Y/N), letting her know that he appreciated what she just did right now. After all, all that was left to do for now was to make things right. At least before the real war breaks.

The wedding day

(Y/N) woke up earlier than usual. No, she just didn't sleep all night. This was it after all. She would get married sooner than ever. Hanji made it clear that (Y/N) wasn't allowed to meet Levi before the wedding. She seemed very keen about maintaining the traditional ways which didn't make any sense to (Y/N) as she will be going to the courthouse with Levi. (Y/N) sat on the bed looking at the wedding dress that was hanging on a hook on the door. It was too revealing. All her scars will be visible...

The sun was just rising when she woke up. Hanji was keen on having a bachelorette party but (Y/N) dismissed the matter completely. She wasn't into social gatherings and she didn't have much friends to begin with. The only people she could've invited were Mikasa, Hanji and probably Sasha. Historia was out of the question as she was the queen. Besides, Levi didn't have any friends either. He probably wouldn't count his squad since they are half his age. Hanji was the type of person who wouldn't bring age between friendship as she was childish by nature. (Y/N) felt nervous, excited, and felt butterflies in her stomach.

"Why the hell am I feeling like a teenager?" (Y/N) thought irritably. She got out of bed, wore her a skirt and shirt and went to the breakfast hall. She knew that Hanji would probably be upset if she met Levi during lunch. After all, Hanji had been getting (Y/N) her food in her room by her new squad members for the last two days. She even made sure to warn (Y/N) not to go to certain places like the courtyard because apparently Levi will be training recruits in the courtyard. (Y/N) picked up a bread and some mashed potatoes and took them back in her room. Just after she was done eating, Hanji entered her room with... Historia? "(Y/N), I have some surprises for you!" Hanji exclaimed.

"Historia? Didn't you leave Trost?" (Y/N) asked surprised. "Ah about that, she didn't leave Trost. I lied to you. She stayed back for your wedding." Hanji explained. "But I'm not having a big wedding... It's just going to be Levi and me... Wait... What the hell did you do Hanji?!" (Y/N) glared at Hanji. "Well, I might have planned a wedding for you. In the headquarter courtyard." Hanji stated with glee. "Hanji, I told you that I don't want a big wedding. Why wouldn't you listen to me?" (Y/N) asked, absolutely frustrated with Hanji.

"(Y/N), what do you think Erwin would've wanted? Would he be happy with the fact that you are giving away this once in a lifetime experience because he passed away? I understand that you needed time to grieve and that's why I decided not to burden you with things like planning a wedding. But (Y/N), trust me, you won't regret having a big wedding. We couldn't delay it because of the social issues as you are pregnant. Please try to understand why I did it." Hanji explained. (Y/N) sighed at it. Hanji was right. Right now, she may not be feeling like having a big wedding but later, she probably would want this to be memorable.

"Does Levi know?" (Y/N) asked Hanji. "Hehehe, I knew you'd come around! Well, I sent Mikasa to tell Levi about it." Hanji said excitedly. "I see..." (Y/N) knew that wouldn't go too well as Levi didn't particularly like Mikasa as she was always going against him when it came to Eren, not to mention that she almost killed him. "Hanji, you're my maid of honour then." (Y/N) blandly stated. She wasn't much into grand gestures anyway. "Yes I know." Hanji said with a smile.

Meanwhile, Levi woke up not too long ago, had breakfast, and was in his room, choosing a coat and shirt for the wedding. He didn't bother to go and buy anything new because he had more than enough formal attire. Levi, surprisingly, didn't feel as calm as he usually feels about stressful situations. Infact, his insomnia was worse than ever last night. He himself was surprised by the amount of nervousness he was suffering from and was feeling irritable ever since he got up from the negligible amount of nap that he took while sitting at his desk. A knock at his office door distracted him from the work at hand.

Not pleased with the distraction, Levi walked into the office and said loud enough for the person on the other side to hear, "State name and business." "It's cadet Ackerman. The commander sent me." said the monotone voice from the other side of the door. "What does shitty glasses want now... If she gets me more paperwork, I'll break her hands. I've been doing her fucking work for the last two days because of her shitty excuse of training recruits." Levi thought irritably before saying, "come in". Mikasa got in the room and without any further explanation, she merely said, "Commander Hanji planned your wedding. She said it's gonna happen in a courthouse over her dead body. I was supposed to inform that to you."

"Wait, what?" Levi asked, completely confused. Mikasa didn't answer to that. "Get shitty glasses here right now. I need some explanation." Levi commanded Mikasa. "Sorry, I can't do that. She is convincing (Y/N) that this was a good idea now." Mikasa answered. "Fine. You're dismissed." Levi told Mikasa before getting out of his office and going straight for (Y/N)'s office.

"Well, it's 6am now. The wedding is at 9am. I've invited all of the survey corps members and their families, the lady from the shop who made the dress, some people from the Garrison and the military police, who had good ties with Erwin. They all will be here by 9. Lunch will take place at 12pm. After that, we can all rest for a while before the party during evening, where dinner will be served. Some people from the press will be here too as Levi is practically a celebrity and you're on your way to the same path too. So, you need to get started on your makeup now. Historia got some really good ones to get rid of those marks on your back." Hanji explained, sounding excited.

"I see. Well, when were you planning to let me know of all these?" Hanji turned to see Levi standing at the door with arms crossed. "Oh, um... Well, it was a surprise. Didn't Mikasa tell you about everything?" Hanji chuckled nervously as Levi continued to glare at her. "Well, Mikasa was informative enough to let me know that you said that a courthouse wedding will take place on your dead body. Infact, that's the only thing she told me except just saying that I'm not having a courthouse wedding." Levi told in a monotone tone before looking at (Y/N) and asking, "Should I make that a dead body?" as he pointed at Hanji.

"It's fine. She can live. She managed to convince me that this is a good idea." (Y/N) sighed before looking at Hanji and asking, "Why aren't you trying to hide me from Levi? Isn't the so called 'tradition' being broken now?". "Oh, you really thought I care about stuff like that? I was trying to keep the two of you away so that you won't find out that I was bluffing about Levi training recruits." Hanji explained to (Y/N) with a smile. "Wait, so, weren't you training the recruits?" Levi asked Hanji. "What? Of course I wasn't. I was busy planning the wedding and I didn't have time for paperwork and I needed you out of the courtyard too, so I made you finish all my paperwork. Oh, by the way, I took the cost of decorations off your salary." Hanji told Levi with a smile.

"I'll kill you someday shitty glasses." Levi stated monotonously. "Relax, I paid for the decorations by myself. Consider that as a wedding gift. I got all the food for free though. The Reeves company supplied all the ingredients for free as a token of appreciation as we took back wall Maria. Jean and Sasha are cooking. Apparantly they both are good at it? I heard from your squad that they had a cooking competition back in their trainee corps days. Oh, and I paid that priest that you booked for your wedding to come here and get you two married." Hanji explained to Levi. "Well, thank you. I need to choose a coat now. " Levi told Hanji before going back to his office. "Well then, Historia, do your best to get (Y/N) ready. I'll go see if all the arrangements are going well." Hanji told Historia before getting out of the room.

Three hours later,

"Yes, its all done." Historia told (Y/N) happily, admiring her own handiwork. Not one scar on her back was visible anymore and (Y/N), as she got in front of the mirror, saw exactly how beautiful she looked. Historia tied her hair in a beautiful bun, gave her a really natural looking makeup and the dress showed off her petite figure perfectly. "Well, you'll be walking the aisle in about 30 minutes. I'll send someone to call the commander. She is supposed to bring the flowers." Historia told (Y/N) before she got out of the room. (Y/N) sat alone and something crossed her mind. Who will walk down the aisle with her? It was supposed to be Erwin but now... "Woahhh! (Y/N)! You look amazing!" Hanji exclaimed as she entered the room. She was wearing a green dress but her hair was as greasy as ever. (Y/N) muttered a "thank you" as Hanji handed her a bouquet of white lilies. "Well, it's time. Let's go." Hanji told (Y/N) as she took her to the door to the courtyard.

Meanwhile, it took Levi an hour to choose his clothes. Everything just had to be perfect. He chose a navy blue coat, pants and tie with a grey shirt. He debated for a while about whether he should close the top button of the shirt but decided to leave it open as that made him look better. He took a shower, brushed his hair perfectly so that not one strand will be out of place, ironed the shirt, coat and pants and wore everything, all in 3 hours. Levi sat down by his desk, feeling fidgety as he never imagined he would be facing something like this before. Just then, he heard a knock. "State your name and business" Levi said as usual. "It's Eren. Hanji-san sent me." The voice outside the door said. "Come in." Levi answered.

"Hanji-san said that the wedding will start soon... Heichou, you look...uh...nervous?" Eren said, his face slightly contorted. "Do I look like shit? You can say it on my face." Levi told him directly. "Uh... Not exactly like shit but you look like... You would call it constipated, sir." Eren said, giving up all his confidence into making the sentence. "I see." Levi sighed. "Heichou, it's not my place to say it but I don't think (Y/N) would want you to be nervous. I mean, you're only getting married to her. She probably would want you to feel at comfort because it's her." Eren chimed in.

"Yes. You're right." Levi stated in his usual monotone voice after giving an intense stare at Eren, which obviously creeped Eren out. Eren was right, he should be comfortable because it's (Y/N) that he's getting married to. He had never been as comfortable to anyone as he had been with (Y/N). "Hanji-san asked me to tell you that you are being called at the aisle. The wedding is about to start." Eren informed, still creeped out. "Very well. Let's go then." Levi told, back into his confident monotone voice as he followed Eren.

(Y/N) stood in front of the door to the aisle. Alone. She never missed Erwin as much as she did now. "The last thing he left me with was a broken promise." (Y/N) thought. "Hello, (Y/N). Congratulations on your wedding." a familiar voice called out from behind her. "Hello, commander Pixis." (Y/N) answered sourly. "I'm sorry for your loss. Erwin spoke of you quiet often. He cared about you a lot." Pixis told (Y/N) as he stood beside her. "Yes. I know. However, it seems like everyone who cares about me is never there when I need them." (Y/N) answered in a stoic voice.

"Hah. A sharp mouth. Just like the mother. I'm glad you're a better person though." Pixis laughed. "I don't remember Gloria (L/N) having a sharp mouth. Thanks for your compliment nonetheless." (Y/N) answered. "Well, let's just get to the reason I'm here. It seems like you don't have anyone to walk down the aisle with you. My second in Command happens to know that you're my daughter and she decided to confiscate my alcohol if I don't act as a responsible father. I was hoping if I could walk down the aisle with you." Pixis stated.

"Well, if I were to be a good daughter, I wouldn't let you walk the aisle with me because drinking that much is bad for your health. If I were to be as bad a daughter as you were a father, I would still not walk the aisle with you as everyone in the military knows how addicted you are to alcohol. This would make a good revenge for abandoning me. However, since I'm neither a good daughter nor a bad, I can say that you are bluffing about the whole thing because if your second in command forced you to come here, she would be around to see if you are trying to convince me to walk the aisle and I don't see any person anywhere in this corridor." (Y/N) answered.

Pixis let out a small laugh at this and said, "You keep proving to me that you really are my daughter. Anyway, I would tell you the truth then. Back when your mother told me about you, I wasn't ready for a child, so, we came to a deal that I would pay her and she would give you a better life. A part of the deal was that when you are grown enough, she would send you up here and I would get you into the military, giving you a good position in the Garrison and taking your responsibility. However, it seemed like your mother couldn't control her greed and sold you off, enjoying all the money I sent her by herself. When the survey corps found you, I decided that I was not good enough to be a father. After all, I never looked after you, I never saw what condition you were being kept into. I decided that you would have a better life with a normal family instead.

When that incident with Jacob happened, if I stepped up as your father, the court would have to deal with further complications as you were getting special treatment ever since you came up aboveground. I had no intention of letting you go to the juvenile detention and thus I talked to my political connections and got Erwin involved. I told him the whole thing and asked him to look after you. Then the tragedy of Wall Maria happened. The (L/N) couple died and I could've told you that I was your real father but I figured that you would hate me for not telling you before and making you suffer so much. That's when I decided that it's best if you never know. That was until you found out. I pretended to be the irresponsible father who wanted nothing to do with you because you were happy enough with this life.

We all know that in the military, there's no guarantee of how life could end up to be. I had my own fears about what the survey corps would find in Jaegar's basement. Fears that came to be true. I, however, expected Erwin to be back alive and you to have a good life. I never expected him to kick the bucket so soon. Nevertheless, I can't pretend to be a good father in any way, but, I had my reasons of doing what I did. Right now, I want to make amends for it, so, let me walk the aisle with you. Please.".

"So you're here for the title of being my father and to play family out of nowhere." (Y/N) answered. "If you put it that way, then yes. That's exactly why I'm here." Pixis said, his voice sounding serious. "I can't ever see you as my father. My father was Thomas (L/N). However, I would give you this chance as it will help us both, you with your redemption and me for not walking down the aisle alone missing uncle Erwin even more." (Y/N) answered in a serious tone before holding Pixis's arm. "Oi (Y/N), it's time. Uh... Why are you here, commander Pixis?" Hanji asked both of them as she came to notify (Y/N) to get out of the door. "He will be walking me down the aisle." (Y/N) simply answered. "Ohhh... Okay?" Hanji muttered, confused with the whole deal and thinking how this possibly happened. "Let's get on with it then." (Y/N) told Hanji, a small smile forming on her face.

[The music from attack on titan's first closing theme begins]

A small (H/C) haired girl was running towards the only opening of the underground city where sunlight comes from the upper cities and it is not guarded by soldiers. (The hole where Isabel left her bird to escape in No Regrets). She hid behind a rock however because a boy, a teenage boy with black hair was sitting on a rock nearby, watching the sunlight enter the place.

Sono yume wa kokoro no ibasho

Your dream is where your heart is

Only both the children didn't know that their dream was the same. To get out of this hell. To find freedom.

Inochi yori kowareyasuki mono

It's something more fragile than life itself

The boy noticed the girl walking away. He looked up at the sunlight, dreaming of the day he will get out of here.

Nando de mo sutete wa mitsuke

Constantly abandoned and constantly found

The small girl was sitting on the floor, hugging her thin bony legs, her face white with fear. The green cloaked men beat up all the bad people just moments ago. She saw a tall blonde man approach her.

Yasukara ni saa nemure

So rest in peace now

She looked at the blond man in green cloak as he held his hand out to her. She was scared but she took his hand. Everything would be alright now, right?

Myakuutsu shoudou ni

My pulsing urges

The small frail girl sat in front of a huge bloodied corpse, a bloodied knife in her hand. She accepted the fact that dreaming was for the foolish. Dreams never came true.

Negai wa okasare

Tramples upon my wishes

The black haired boy, stood in the rain and mud looking at the severed head and bitten off torso of his only friends. He accepted the fact that dreaming was for the weak. That he would never dream again.

Wasurete shimau hodo

As often as I sadly forget

The black haired boy, now the strongest soldier of humanity, walked towards the stable to tend his horse. When he reached, he saw a (H/C) haired girl

Mata omoidasu yo

I remember once again

She looked like the exact reflection of himself, a person weathered by the weight of circumstances. He was surprised to see those dead eyes, that unsmiling face. Who is she?

Kono utsukushiki zankoku na sekai de wa

In this beautiful yet cruel world

The same black haired boy, now a grown man, suddenly, felt a jolt of lightening surge through him as he stood at the end of the aisle. This happened to him a few times before. Everything felt connected.

Mada ikiteiru no koto naze to tou bakari de

I endlessly question the reason of my survival

The small frail girl, now a grown strong woman, approached him from the others end of the aisle with a slight smile on her face. He couldn't explain with words, how beautiful she looked to him. He knew that he had to protect her as long as he lived.

Ah, boku-tachi wa kono tsuyosa yowasa de

Ah, with this strength and weakness

She walked towards the man with slow steps, she noticed his mouth slightly open, eyes widened. She didn't understand why.

Nani wo mamoru no darou

I wonder what it is we'll protect

She lost so much in life that it was natural that she felt living wasn't worth the pain. That was not the case, however. He gave her the strength to go on. So did their child.

Mou risei nado nai naraba

When a reason ceases to exist

The vows were made and the bride and groom kissed. Even when there was little reason to go on, this life with each other meant everything to them. After all, this small world of theirs once again, witnessed an Ackerman’s awakening.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

[zinthelost]

Today had been a good day.

These days that means a day I feel like myself, like I'm human. I tell myself stories and I can think without ruminating on how wrong my life has become, all the mistakes I've made, everything I've lost.

I had that for most of the day. It was wonderful. I told myself stories and slid into my characters and felt real... peace. Not my peace really, a character's peace but I was able to live in it for a little while. Bliss.

But I've gotten ahead of things. I'm not explaining myself to the zero people that will read this.

Hello, my name is Zin, and in the last 2 years I have lost nearly everything, including myself.

A little more than 2 years ago, I admitted to myself that the absolutely wonderful girl I had been best friends with for 15+ years was everything I wanted. I started to plot a way to ask her out and later move to her state. Jobs, towns, I started looking at everything.

...Then my grandma started acting strangely. Her worries became intense fear and then paranoia. A woman in another state was plotting to steal my grandfather, had cursed her, could listen into her phone calls, and then she started to believe my cousin was trying to kill her.

When I went to my parents to discuss the ugly fact that grandma was experiencing dementia, I was told that they'd back whatever I decided needed done. They weren't concerned and found her belief that her niece was plotting her death funny. Everything was 100% on me.

So... I set aside my plans for love. Grandma needed me. I hunkered in for the long haul.

...Then a few months later my dad had a serious stroke. And I had to help with his therapy, missing massive amounts of work. But that was convenient, because the business was failing, and my hours were cut, and cut again, and cut more.

For 2 years I fought this nightmare of caring for my grandmother, my dad, my chronically ill mom, while adding Lyft to my work to try to keep eating. When the stress allowed me to eat at all.

I fell into a massive, crippling depression and sought out a therapist I knew. And all through it, my wonderful friend was always there. She was my lifeline. One of the only good things left in my life.

In September, I was feeling good. Dad was working on his therapy himself, my uncle was helping with my grandma, I was actually losing weight! I decided to go for it! You only live once.

I'd find a way, I'd save up, fly out, tell her everything and figure it out! I started on a Tuesday doing extra Lyft to make the money. Nothing would stop me!

That Friday, she died.

She died alone, of an illness that was never diagnosed, in a hotel, while I played Sims.

And now I'm lost.

But today was a good day. While usually my stories hurt cus they remind me of her (we wrote together) today they were heaven. I had so much to do, but it was okay. I was good. I had my stories back.

Depression is evil shit. It can grab you so fast. The slope is very very slippery.

I mentioned a crappy podcast to my (otherwise) great roommate. He took it as a mission to find me one. He loves true crime, but I can't do dark things anymore. I can't. But he loves it and no matter how many times I said, I didn't want dark he kept telling me about serial killer podcasts, and this one recorded in prison, and this other about cults, and it just kept going.

By the time he ran out of steam I was fighting not to shake. And then I broke down crying when he left for bed cus I saw her comics laying there.

So here I am. I got Tumbler. My baby is dead. I can't talk to her. So I'll talk to this void and maybe I'll feel better. Beating that Kleenex box didn't help afterall. Why not?