#rachel if you read this please keep up the good work also i love your character designs

[leavemetoexist]

I finished all 4 Studio Investigraves games and I have opinions. (Spoilers to all the games by the way but you already know that)

I played them all backwards from the most recent to least recent by complete accident hence why I shall be reviewing them from least recent to most recent. I'll be judging them based off gameplay, characters and story. Of course don't take this too seriously it's my general opinion and I wouldn't mind hearing other people's personal tier list about which game was their favourite. My interpretation of the characters can of course vary from others opinions as well so keep that in mind.

4. Eloquent Countenance

Gameplay: the gameplay in this one wasn't actually bad, I quite liked doing the different tasks however with that being said, I also got lost multiple times about what I was supposed to do (I think i'm to blame for this once honestly because it was spelled out for me). Overall I still liked it but again I had issues. I did however adore the mix of 3d modelling and 2d models.

Story: The story isn't bad, if anything it leaves room for so many things. The explanation to the end did confuse me though because I couldn't tell if Forcas was talking to the woman trapped in the body or if he was talking to the angel that had taken over the body. And also why did us the angel decide that we did want to give the body back to her? Again a lot of questions that I think can be expanded on if they ever to second game. (I think this is mostly me wanting a second game so badly lol)

Characters: Our character Lisa is alright, I have no grievances with her, she's funny and sarcastic as hell and honestly my favourite. Forcas on the other hand... I like his shenanigans, but there is only so much fourth wall breaking one can take before it isn't very special, I guess? The way he speaks is like how I would write an overpowered annoying know-it-all character when I was 13. So yea not my favourite. I do love their characters designs though, absolutely gorgeous in my opinion.

3. Cold Front

Gameplay: I had no problem with the gameplay, except maybe when I was running from the monster, that was the only hard part. This was a shorter game so there wasn't too much gameplay and coming down to the end I was honestly a little annoyed that we'd basically ceased gameplay and had started basically just started reading out the rest of the story. I wish there was a boss fight to the end, a little something something to really close it off would've been nice.

Story: It was heartwarming (ironic). I can not express it enough that I really love how well done the story is, both endings really got me. One was a happy ending technically with only Augustine living and it was so dark that he was happy to finally feel seen again once Winnie was dead. Winnie had no idea that he was breaking a lot of Augustine's boundaries but at the same time, these two just needed some communication and they were fine in the end which was perfectly okay with me. They both reflected and became better people together.

Characters: No notes, they were good. I loved the fucked up anxiety version of Augustine and Winnie, it really shows how anxiety is and how overthinking and keeping everything in can really harm a friendship.

2. Dead Plate

Gameplay: There is so much that needs to be talked about with the gameplay. First of all, our character Rody, does not have a side and back angle so that you can tell which way you're facing, which messed me up a lot when I tried to serve tables. When I first booted up the game it took me way too long to figure out the what to do in the tutorial (This one might be on me tbh so I won't be too mean to the game about it). The various customers did not make any facial expressions as to help indicate to the players their level of annoyance going from good-> annoyed-> angry-> leaving. I really wished they had that, even if it weren't a face at least some sounds would've been nice.

Story: I adored the story, it's fucked up, it's nice and it's overall really good. Genuinely no notes, it's cut and dry, nothing overally complicated and I loved it.

Characters: I loved the characters. Rody is so deeply in love with his girlfriend (Marieanna) and loses his sense of self. He literally does not know who he is without her and instead of listening to her and improving himself and becoming his own person, he makes himself think that if he just had enough money, that she would take him back. Vince on the other hand, woah that motherfucker is a little mad in the head isn't he? I was expecting your usual obsessive yandere esc character but no. He becomes not really obsessed but more like testing a theory. He has never tasted food and wants so desperately to make food where you can taste the love in it so when he found out about Rody whiles dating Marieanne, well he just had to put this theory to the taste test right? I also live for the theory of him wanting to express his love to Rody by feeding him the thing that he loved most (I think this theory is actually pretty solid tbh and I'm not sure if it's a theory or confirmed within the game. I played this so long ago that I've kind of forgotten).

1. Elevator Hitch

Gameplay: This one might be obvious to most people who follow me but Elevator Hitch is literally my absolute favourite. The gameplay itself was quite fun, I enjoyed the puzzles and tasks that had to be done and the uniqueness of each floor. I had one problem where I didn't realise you could look around the elevator, I wished there were some arrows to indicate you could do that but overall the gameplay was solid.

Story: The story is simple, simple in a fun complicated way. It certainly didn't answer why the building is the way it is but that was alright with me. I enjoyed especially the small glimpses at protag's life before he got stuck in the elevator. I loved the ending, the fact that he had no real choice but to go back was *chef's kiss* Sad ending for Protag but that's okay, solid story.

Characters: One of my favourite head cannons about this game is that coworker is actually pretending to be stupid about the situation that we the player are experiencing and I can be more than be convinced about that. Our main character definitely has shit going on, as saw in the end he needed that job and well the fourth floor with his parents. I loved the dialogue options and the dynamic going on between the two of them. They're both silly and share one brain cell and I adore them for that.

[richincolor]

The Hysterical Girls of St. Bernadette's by Hanna Alkaf Salaam Reads/ Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers

Publisher Summary: An all-girls school is struck with mysterious cases of screaming hysteria in this chilling dark academia thriller haunted by a deeply buried history clawing to the light.

For over a hundred years, girls have fought to attend St. Bernadette’s, with its reputation for shaping only the best and brightest young women.

Unfortunately, there is also the screaming.

When a student begins to scream in the middle of class, a chain reaction starts that impacts the entire school. By the end of the day, seventeen girls are affected—along with St. Bernadette’s stellar reputation.

Khadijah’s got her own scars to tend to, and watching her friends succumb to hysteria only rips apart wounds she’d rather keep closed. But when her sister falls to the screams, Khad knows she’s the only one who can save her. Rachel has always been far too occupied trying to reconcile her overbearing mother’s expectations with her own secret ambitions to pay attention to school antics. But just as Rachel finds her voice, it turns into screams.

Together, the two girls find themselves digging deeper into the school’s dark history, hunting for the truth. Little do they know that a specter lurks in the darkness, watching, waiting, and hungry for its next victim…

Note from author -- "It includes discussions and descriptions of sexual assault, trauma and PTSD. If this is too much for you right now, please set this book down and come back to it when you can. There is no shame in protecting your scars." 

My Thoughts: Even before beginning, my worries went down a bit after reading the note from the author. I am not a person who reads horror as a general rule, but for some reason knowing what was coming, helped prepare me and also let me know that the author had thought ahead to care for the readers. This made me more willing to dive in even though scary books are not what I usually grab first. 

There are definitely creepy and rather horrifying moments within the pages of this book, but it was also incredibly intriguing. It has Salem witch trial vibes with what seems like random hysteria and it's not something easily explained. When there is so much that is unknowable, there is a lot of room for imaginations to run rampant. 

The author shares the story through two perspectives and that choice helps readers see everything unfolding from very different contexts. And there are many layers to what is happening so it is good to have more than one way to pick up the clues that are scattered here and there. 

Like the characters, readers are likely to wonder if this is all created or manifested due to humans and their own issues or whether there may be some monsters lurking about. The answer is a complex one that I will obviously not reveal, but the many moments of wondering kept me flipping the pages rapidly. 

Beyond the actual screaming, there are questions or ponderings about how girls are perceived, how they are meant to act, who listens to them and when and how they use their voices. There's a lot going on beyond the ghost/monster portion of the story though there is plenty of that for those readers who love that aspect.

My Recommendation: Get it as soon as possible. Do not skip it unless it would be too much right now. This would be a great Halloween read, but could work anytime really. It's a unique story that raises many questions and for me the ending was particularly satisfying. This was one of my favorite books of the year.

Pages: 352 Review copy: ARC via publisher & library copy Availability: On shelves now

Extra: Brief talk on mass hysteria - Hanna Alkaf on TikTok

[littleoddwriter]

Character Analysis: Cooper Abbott (Trap, 2024)

Hello there and welcome to me being painfully autistic (this is meant as a lighthearted joke; but also... yeah)! In order to get it out of my system, I wrote an in-depth character analysis on Cooper Abbott (played by Josh Hartnett) in the movie Trap (written, produced and directed by M. Night Shyamalan). The analysis only focuses on specific points, because otherwise it'd be even longer and more convoluted than it already is. I will make separate posts about the other points I didn't have a chance to mention/analyse (like the relation of Lady Raven's songs to Cooper's emotional journey, technical aspects, acting choices, and pretty much entire scene analyses) eventually, though. This is by no means an "official" analysis, just something I wrote for fun because that's how my brain works and I really needed to get those thoughts out there. But if they spark a conversation, that'd make me very happy, too! Anyone who finds themselves reading this: I hope you enjoy my interpretations, and I'd love to hear your own thoughts if you wanted to share them! But always remember to be kind and respectful!

The points I covered in this analysis:

Surface level traits and facts about Cooper Abbott

Relationship with Riley (and Logan, by extent) In contrast: his wife Rachel

Motivations during the movie (escape, not getting caught, keeping his two lives separate and balanced) Also: motivations for killing (trauma)

Key Conflict + Epiphany: his love for his children and thus, the fear of getting caught

What does all this mean for Cooper as a character, and by extension, us, the viewer?

Disclaimer: In the section for his motivations for killing, I will be taking a look at the claim that he has OCD. I, myself, have OCD and am talking from personal experience and knowledge I gathered through subsequent research and therapy; but that doesn't mean I'm an expert or that you have to agree with my takes, just because I'm looking at it through a more personal lens. Speaking of, when I mention his trauma and abnormal psychology as cause for his murders, I by no means want to say that everyone like this is automatically prone to being a violent or dangerous person. That's not true whatsoever, please remember that. (Once again, I'm talking from experience here, as well.) This is merely an interpretation of a fictional character, who was written to be this way. Also, of course, take what I say with a grain of salt. This is just for fun and not meant to be on an academic level (hence the lack of sources because I was mostly talking from what I just know, and obviously the movie itself, such as interviews with Josh Hartnett and M. Night).

Anyway:

To start off, I want to talk about the most basic, certain facts about Cooper Abbott that we get throughout the movie. Who is he on the surface? How does he appear to others? What do we know about “the Butcher”?

On the surface, Cooper Abbott is a cisgender, white, middle-aged (estimated to be in his early forties) male of the middle class, who lives in the Philadelphian suburbs with his family, consisting of his wife Rachel, his young teenage daughter Riley, and his younger son Logan. Cooper is a firefighter, and most likely has been one for up to twenty years at that point, depending on when he started his training and if he went to college beforehand. He managed to create the ideal family life. He’s a very involved and good father, who deeply cares about his children’s wellbeing and happiness, and does anything he can to achieve that, like buying concert tickets to Lady Raven for Riley as a reward for her good grades, and coming along with her.

To others, he appears like the ideal husband and father, and regular citizen. He seems like a completely normal and functioning member of society with good values, a great family, and who works as a first responder in the fire department, which is a noble career to pursue. He generally presents as the perfect example of what the modern man of his status 'should' be. On top of that, he’s incredibly charming and easily makes people open up to him, want to keep him around, and reveal information to him that they wouldn’t (and shouldn’t) give up to other strangers like him. He appears like a friend; even when he’s just met the other person. He’s non-threatening and trustworthy, and also humble. He can be pushy, but backtracks enough with believable excuses and commonly used phrases to make the other person feel at ease and like he’s only a well-meaning person, clumsily and charmingly asking for help or information.

For example, when he asks Jamie about all the extra security at the venue, and later asks to come back to the storage room with him, where he swipes his keycard, all the while making friendly conversation and getting information he needs from Jamie that he shouldn’t even be able to get otherwise. But by letting Jamie witness his “good values” as a family by allowing the other girl to get the shirt first, so as to not start a fight, and telling him he works in the fire department, and helping him with the heavy box, he creates a bond of trust with the other man. In turn, Jamie willingly tells Cooper about the police and FBI presence, due to evidence that led them to believe a serial killer, the Butcher (Cooper), would be at the concert; and later, in the storage room, even going so far as to tell him his secret passcode for security, because Cooper is “on [their] side” by being a firefighter and evidently great father. Another example of that is how Cooper got Riley to be chosen to be the girl for “Dreamer Girl” to get on stage with Lady Raven and backstage later. To achieve that, Cooper talks to one of the spotter’s he sees around, humbly and a little clumsily telling him how grateful he and Riley are to be there, while revealing in a lie that she had just recovered from leukemia, and that all he wanted is for the Spotter to thank Lady Raven for them to put on such a great show and make Riley happy, after having felt “cursed” due to her sickness. All of that is an effective manipulation and a lie, which only Cooper knows, but clearly strikes a chord in the other man that leads to Riley being chosen without her ever finding out how or why.

Then, there is this side of Cooper that nobody knows is his. “The Butcher”, as the media refers to Cooper Abbott’s serial killing. According to the media, the Butcher had been actively pursued by the police and FBI for seven years at the time of the movie, and twelve victims had been found and linked to him, based on evidence. His victims, as far as we know, consist of people of various ages, genders, and ethnicities. The thing they apparently had in common was that they were all good, selfless people. A young father of a two-year old boy, taking care of his parents, while working as a teacher, and even being awarded as “most liked teacher”; and another young man, who is into sustainable agriculture. We are also told about a woman without further details, leading to the thought that his victims come from all backgrounds. The bodies were normally found out in the open, chopped into pieces with a meat cleaver, hence dubbing him “the Butcher”. In the psychological profile of the Butcher, it was determined that he possibly had maternal issues and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which is supported by Cooper hallucinating his mother, and evidently having been punished and severely traumatised by her growing up, such as his extreme need for control in every way. His abnormal psychology becomes more and more evident throughout the movie and will be discussed further down.

Now that the more basic facts are out of the way, I’d like to focus on the two key relationships we witness in the film. His relationship with his daughter Riley, and by extension his son Logan. And in contrast, his relationship with his wife Rachel.

The film starts with showing the audience what a great and secure relationship Cooper and Riley have as father and daughter. He lets her happily, and loudly, play her music in the car while singing along, albeit off-key, and encourages her. He calms her down when she’s stressed about being late to the concert, explains to her to not trust random sellers in front of the venue, and continuously tries to cheer her up and get her excited when she starts getting into her own head about things, and succeeds. We are also shown that he cares about her wellbeing beyond the present moment and that they have a trusting bond where they can talk about anything with each other, which is made evident when Riley opens up about her being left out and possibly picked on by girls at school. Cooper shows her compassion and understanding for her situation and feelings about it, and follows that up by making her laugh again and distracting her from it. As well as being emotionally close, Cooper is also physically affectionate toward Riley by often keeping a hand on her upper back or shoulder, and around her head, such as embracing her, and kissing the top of her head on several occasions, all of which she’s happy to receive and reciprocate, and sometimes even initiates herself, making it a mutually close and loving bond they share.

Throughout the movie, we often witness him showing interest in anything that concerns Riley, be that the slang words she uses, her wanting a tour shirt, and most importantly, her hoping to be picked for “Dreamer Girl”. And, of course, while the latter is merely a way for Cooper to find an escape when he feels cornered, by having been shown all of the previous interactions between them, it’s safe to say that he’d at least shown interest and hope for her to be chosen, regardless of his own predicament. Something that’s also mentioned a lot is Riley’s good grades and the concert being a reward for them, which shows that it’s important in their family to work for what they receive, and that said work will always be appreciated and celebrated, which is also later shown with the whole family eating a pie Rachel baked for the occasion. Generally, Cooper is constantly shown to be incredibly involved in his children’s lives and to care deeply about them and their entire being, such as raising them to be confident and independent people with good values.

In addition to how he is with Logan, it can be interpreted that it’s not much different from how he is with Riley, except maybe appropriate for his younger age. Around the house, we can see drawings done by the kids and family photos that underline this. And when they all sit together around the coffee table to eat the pie, Logan is seated at Cooper’s side with his dad’s arm around him, signifying an emotionally and physically close relationship between them, as well. In the end, when Cooper confronts Rachel and confesses how enraged he is, directing those feelings toward her, it amazes him that he’s only angry because he won’t get to see his children again, once more conveying to the audience how important the kids are to Cooper, and how close their relationship actually is. Even if that, to him, is a huge revelation, which will be explored further down.

In contrast, Cooper’s relationship with his wife Rachel looks a little different. While on the photos around the house, they look happy and close to one another; especially on a photo that was taken at their wedding, there is a clear shift away from that when we see them interact once Cooper and Riley arrive at home, along with Lady Raven. Rachel seems reserved and keeps her distance from Cooper. As we later find out, that might have very well been because her suspicions that he’s the Butcher were more or less confirmed when he returned home with Lady Raven, and had Riley tell her that “dad’s acting strange”. Lady Raven does, indeed, confirm it a few minutes later and tells her that “Cooper is the Butcher”.

The movie’s finale takes place at their home again, after Cooper managed to flee from the police and FBI multiple times, having to let go of Lady Raven for that. There, he sits down with Rachel and discusses with her that he figured out how the authorities even got wind of him being at the concert because he knew it couldn’t have been his own mistake, as he’s too meticulous about that, in order to keep his two lives separate. Rachel admits to following Cooper to one of his safe houses, planting a torn piece of the receipt for the concert ticket, and then leaving an anonymous tip for the police that the house might belong to the Butcher. She says she did it to either get them closer to Cooper or prove her wrong of her suspicions, as it dawned on her over time that perhaps he was this wanted serial killer she kept seeing on the news, because he was often away at night, brought home jewellery that he made up lies about where he got the items from, and smelled of cleaning fluid used at hospitals, rather than the one he would use at the fire department.

Throughout the entire conversation, it is evident that Rachel, while terrified, is also grieving. She just lost her husband and the picture perfect family life she had built with him over the years, and is now confronted with the thought that it had all been nothing but a lie for him. Cooper, on the other hand, doesn’t display such feelings at all. He doesn’t appear remorseful of using her this way, nor does he seem to grief what they had now that he knows it’s all gone because he’d been caught. Instead, he is angry, feeling betrayed, and perhaps even hating her for ruining everything for them all. After all, if it hadn’t been for her, nobody would have ever known about his presence at the concert, and none of the things that transpired would have happened at all. But as mentioned above, his anger is directed toward her for the fact that he’ll never see Riley and Logan again, not because he’d been caught or lost his wife along with his children. In fact, he planned on committing murder-suicide with her as revenge and to keep himself out of prison. All of these things point toward Rachel having never been more than a tool to Cooper to keep appearances as a normal citizen without a sinister side to him. He seemed to have never loved her at all; although, perhaps that was true at the beginning of their relationship for a little while. Even so, his love would have been different to what other people would feel, and it is also revealed that he seems to have never felt strongly before, which further supports that he was never actually in love with Rachel.

Since Cooper is the protagonist of the film, we follow him throughout, only ever experiencing anything from his perspective. And that brings me to my next point: his motivations.

The first aspect of this is pretty straightforward. The entire movie is about Cooper Abbott trying not to get caught by the authorities, thus escaping the concert without being detected, and also without ruining it for his daughter. He becomes increasingly desperate to achieve his goals and keep the balanced life he had worked so hard to build, but finds a dead end at every turn he makes, until the second half of the movie. He’s motivated by his need to keep Riley happy and in the dark, while wanting to stay completely undetected and get out of the venue. He can’t let the authorities even see him as a potential suspect, which is exactly why, after several failed attempts to escape, and managing to get backstage, but being faced with the threat of a police inspection, Cooper asks Lady Raven for a private talk, once more playing the card of Riley’s made-up leukemia recovery. Once he’s alone with Lady Raven, he works himself up to revealing his identity as the Butcher to her, showing her his current victim - Spencer, who is captured in a basement - and explaining to her that he can easily kill Spencer with carbon monoxide poisoning by releasing it from a small box in the basement with one push of a button on his phone. Thus, he effectively pressures Lady Raven into helping him and Riley out of the entire venue without going through the police inspections first, as they’ll ride with her in the limousine.

His motivation, after having been outed as the Butcher, is not to escape, necessarily, but to kill Lady Raven, his wife, and himself, putting an end to everything, now that he has no leverage anymore with Lady Raven having managed to have Spencer rescued, and the police and FBI knowing who he is, there’s no escape for him. 

This brings me to his motivation for killing. We know, on a surface level, that he’d been actively searched for his murders for seven years, and that twelve victims have been linked back to him, due to similar modus operandi and location (presumably, since we don’t know about other evidence linking the murders to one killer). We also learn how he chooses his victims when he tells Lady Raven that he felt “the urge” once he saw her behind the curtain at the concert, and explains to her that it’s almost an odd experience for him to feel that way, but that he thinks it’s when he “see[s] someone who thinks they’re whole”, which “can never be true” because “everyone’s in pieces”. This also explains what his victims had in common by being people too good to be true, so to speak. They were seemingly selfless, genuinely good and caring people that might have felt fulfilled with their role in life.

Later, we also find that Cooper is described as “profoundly different” by the FBI profiler, Dr. Grant, and that he’s never felt any deep emotions before or could build real connections to people, according to what Cooper implied about himself, at least. Thus, supporting the thought that when Cooper says, “everyone’s in pieces”, he’s mostly talking about himself and expecting everyone else to be the same way, because all his life he’d been taught that he’s missing something by not being like the majority of people. That leads to the connection to his mother in his motivation for killing.

Throughout the movie, we’re shown that Cooper hallucinates his mother as an elderly woman, implying that her memory is haunting him. With her being shown as an old lady, it could also be interpreted that she died of old age and that the image in Cooper’s mind is what she looked like when Cooper last saw her before her passing. This conclusion is mostly reached by the fact that, as far as we know, the murders only began seven years prior to the movie’s events, and it is often said that there are specific moments in somebody’s life that could trigger such things as killing. Supporting this is the fact that we’re told that Cooper had often been punished in his youth, presumably by his mother, whose love and approval he always longed for, which might have kept him somewhat grounded for most of his life. And thus, her death could have possibly triggered him to give into his urges because there’s no more love and approval to anticipate from his mother. We get a glimpse of that when Lady Raven attempts to deter Cooper from hurting her inside the car, as she pretends to talk to him in a way that his mother might have by speaking in a harsher tone and threatening punishment if he didn’t stop; but then she turns it around and attempts a level of empathy by calling him a “good boy” and saying that “[he] can choose to be good”. He doesn’t fall for it, knowing that she’s trying to get under his skin with things that the FBI had told her about him; but there is some truth in it.

This is especially implied when, at the end of the movie, Cooper is drugged with his own tranquillising powder and hallucinates his mother talking to him; although, as we find out, it’s actually Dr. Grant posing as his mother. She gets through to him by telling him that she’s proud of him for finally feeling such anger, and “not all of [him] is a monster”, and that “it’s good [he’s] stopping the monster”. This scene is also when he reveals that he “thought [he] was pretending, but [he] wasn’t” about his love for his children. So, his motivation for killing would be the trauma of having been constantly punished by his mother for being different and perhaps unruly, when all he ever wanted was her love and approval, only to never receive any; thus, resenting anyone that seemed to have it all together and needing to take it away from them by killing them. This is also represented in his crime scenes, where his victims are found chopped into pieces and scattered all over the location they’re found in, relating back to his comment that “everyone’s in pieces”. 

Something that should be mentioned here is that it is mentioned in the movie that the Butcher might suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) by Lady Raven as she more or less parrots information she gathered from the FBI to subtly alert Cooper’s family to his true being, while pushing Cooper into revealing himself with those pointed remarks.

Throughout the movie, there are small moments that indicate that Cooper, indeed, suffers from OCD, which mostly presents as an extreme need for control. For example, we see him neatly fold his napkins at the stadium, fixing the towels at home, despite more pressing issues at hand, such as checking on his captive victim via camera, while he's at the concert, and often repeating that “[he’s] in control”, and only revealing his true feelings about his situation when he feels said control slip through his fingers. Only in such moments does his mask break, showing parts of his true self, until he doesn’t hide it anymore once it is out in the open anyway. His OCD is not a motivation for his killings, but it is evidently a component of his abnormal psychology that might have played into his mother’s abuse and his subsequent trauma and response; although he could have also developed his OCD as a result of his traumatic childhood.

In addition, the possibility that he has OCD at all is pretty likely due to aforementioned examples, but also how he finds comfort in planning the captivities and murders, just as much as the killing itself, as he confessed to Rachel. The obsessions and resulting compulsions in people with OCD are often linked back to a need for control and comfort, no matter the nature of the thoughts and urges. Obsessing over particular things is normally the distressing part and the compulsion is then something to soothe oneself and momentarily get rid of the obsessive thoughts and fears, thus finding comfort in them; even if the compulsions end up harmful to oneself or others in some way. On top of that, when Cooper feels himself losing the control he had over the situation with Lady Raven and his family, he can’t hold back his immediate reaction of distress and anger by banging on the closed bathroom door and not letting up; eventually going so far as yelling, “open the goddamn door”, uncaring of his children witnessing him in a state such as this, which should be extremely unusual for him. Everything is lost to him in that moment, and he’s caught up in the desperate need to gain back control, that his reaction is disproportionately intense, in comparison to his usual lack of emotional participation in what is happening around him or to him. When a person’s compulsive need for something cannot be fulfilled once triggered, it can lead to such great distress as was displayed with Cooper when Lady Raven was hiding in the bathroom with his phone, therefore creating more credibility to the claim that the Butcher/Cooper Abbott has OCD.

I’ve mentioned Cooper’s relationship with his children and his realisation that he’s capable of deeper feelings and connections a few times already, and now I’d like to take a closer look at that revelation and the conflict it created for Cooper throughout the entire film.

As stated above, Cooper’s youth consisted of being punished by his mother, not receiving the love, care and approval he needed and longed for, which later translated to a trauma response that led him to commit murders. Among all of that, there’s also that he never got a chance to develop normally as a child, which could very well be the reason for his lack of deep emotions and empathy, none of which he ever received or learned to have.

It can also be thought that because of how Cooper’s mother saw him and clearly conveyed this image to him, he had a distorted sense of who he was, fitting himself into the box he was forced into by his mother as a child and never finding a way out of it. Technically, once he grew up and made a life for himself, he could have realised that she wasn’t right about him; but instead, he was stuck in this specific image that he was convinced of and now believed to be entirely true about himself. This image that he was a monster, that he was incapable of love and real, deep connections to other people, and genuine feelings in general. All of it went so far that he had convinced himself that his fatherhood was nothing but a performance to keep cover. This entire time, he believed that when he showed love, care, and interest in his children and their lives, it was only pretense. It’s only during the movie’s events, when he’s confronted with the threat of losing his children to being found out as the Butcher, that he realises just how important they truly are to him, that it’s not all about having a cover, and that he genuinely feels affection for his kids.

This revelation, as amazing as it is for him at the end when everything is lost for him anyway, is also what creates the biggest conflict for him throughout the movie. Instead of just finding a way to escape undetected, no matter what or how, he constantly has to look out for Riley as well, make sure he doesn’t ruin the concert for her and drag her into this. And he has to stay close to her, which means that he can’t leave for long periods of time to figure a way out; even though he tries and eventually runs out of excuses and opportunities as Riley grows more concerned and therefore aware of his strange behaviour. In the end, he does manage to combine both interests by getting Riley to be chosen for “Dreamer Girl”, but it comes with unforeseen consequences when Lady Raven joins them at their home, and the movie’s finale takes place with Cooper being found out and having to escape custody several times.

To Rachel, he admits that his rage is “unfamiliar” to him, as he “never felt this before” and it makes him “feel out of control”; but the reason for it is “amazing” to him because it’s caused by the knowledge that he won’t see Riley and Logan grow up. And when Dr. Grant later poses as Cooper’s mother and tells him that she’s proud of him for feeling such anger, he also says, with pleasant surprise in his voice, “I thought I was pretending, but I wasn’t”, which implies that his lack of emotional involvement has been part of his conflict with his mother all his life, and that it’s reason for him to have believed that he was incapable of such; even when he clearly cared about his children. It never registered to him, until that specific night, that maybe his mother, and by extension Cooper himself, was wrong about him. 

What does all of this mean for Cooper Abbott as a character, though?

For one, he’s incredibly complex. There are many different layers to him that can be explored at length, and I still have only scratched the surface here. There’s this side of him that only he knows about, the Butcher, but also his childhood, which he probably never revealed to anyone before. At the same time, he’s a picture perfect family man, a firefighter, an unassuming citizen, and deep down, a hurt child that never had a chance to heal. And with that comes the fact that his complexity is merely part of being human; especially a grown adult with forty-plus years of experience. His character is an interesting one to take a closer look at because he poses questions that humans are naturally curious about and want answers to, but are also afraid of truly exploring those darker corners in depth. Cooper allows us to go there because he’s fictional and there’s no real harm done when looking into his murders, for example.

Cooper, at his core, is like an amalgamation of those serial killers whose names we all know, and who are usually described in ways that we witnessed Cooper to be in the movie; and that presents a challenge to the audience. We’re faced with a protagonist, who is a murderer, and a good father, and a traumatised child at heart; and we want him to get away, until we catch ourselves wanting that and remembering who he truly is. But is that all true? Is he truly only a monster? I think that, specifically, is what makes Cooper Abbott as a character so intriguing. He challenges our perception of murderers being those monsters, through and through; especially when we witness him being a great father. It forces us to look into that and wonder how that might relate back to our reality.

To wrap this up, what I think it means for Cooper as a character is that he’s human just like everyone else, uncomfortably so. He’s an exploration of the darkest shades a human has, but also shows the brightest lights we have to offer when it comes to human interaction; especially family. And it’s uncomfortable to witness how the dark and the light can go hand-in-hand like this, possibly without anyone else ever knowing.

[tunashei]

First Impressions of Animorphs!

I'm listening to the Animorphs series while I work, through Animorphs Aloud - a fan made reading of the series. Here are my first impressions/random thoughts about them! Spoilers below if you haven't read them.

Book 12: The Reaction

Been a while since I've done one of these right? I confess, this one I forgot about in my drafts folder. Opps. And the next one.

So in this book we're going to have some hetero romance! Prepare for me to not be able to relate to any of this. How cute can a guy be, really?

Rachel has faster reactions than a crocodile! Impressive. I'm sure it being life or death helps though. I think a small crocodile is the largest animal I could take in a fight (on land)

Morph a crocodile to protect dumb kid who fell into enclosure :D

Proceed to try and eat the kid yourself D:

Curious as to why she felt sick when acquiring the crocodile, maybe there is a limit on how many morphs you can have? But does Rachel even have the most morphs? I have not been keeping track

The word cute is starting to lose all meaning. Please! A different adjective!

Uh oh uncontrollable morphing. That could get very bad. Already almost crushing your family members, wouldn't be an Animorphs book without a horrifying scenario being presented!

Ha I appreciate Rachel pointing out that avoiding a worse outcome in a bad situation does not exactly make you feel lucky

Was proud that Rachel is actually telling somebody what was wrong but now she wants to hide it from Jake. What are the odds she'll end up doing a mission and morphing out of control? Ah Rachel, I guess it's in character for you

I don't think I have ever gotten room service. Is it good? Should I add that to my bucket list?

Chapman you are an idiot. Or were you thinking 'oh god they've started fursuiting at school'

I guess these books are set quite close together but I do wonder why they don't spend more time just running around acquiring as many animals as possible. Assuming there isn't a limit. That's what I'd do if I could shapeshift, have a whole roster of animals for any occasion. Would mess up the books pacing though to be fair

Ok what if this weird morphing Rachel's going through is literally like the morphing equivalent of an illness? She's just got an alien cold

Me rolling my eyes at this Jeremy Jascon McCole and they they hit me with '<His favorite color is crimson,> Cassie said. <It’s so cool. He didn’t just say “red.” He said “crimson.”> I'm SCREAMING I SAID THE EXACT SAME THING AS A KID TO LOOK COOLER

I LOVE seeing new Visser morphs. Spear throwing fish is awesome, and plausible! Although not sure how the spears go from being on it's back to in it's mouth

Huh I sort of guessed right? The morphing problem is an allergy, that's kind of like an illness. Now she has to vomit an entire crocodile. Infinite crocodile glitch

Cassie is going to morph Rachel. Very interesting! I did wonder if they'd explore this side of morphing when we saw Ax morph a human, and also Jake at one point, but thought maybe it'd stay exclusive to him. I hope they might continue to use this ability, there's so much you could do with it

What's with a bunch of these predator animals going into instant hunting I-must-eat mode the second they're morphed? You'd think they'd want to take stock of their surroundings first. Especially if they're confused in a new environment, the first instinct is safety, not food

This crocodile escaping from her skin is gnarly

MARCO WAS THAT ATTEMPTED MURDER

Well that was a very chaotical ending. (Is that a word? It should be). Pretty enjoyable, and actually got a lot of laughs out of me!

[telomeke]

EUGENE LEE YANG IS LEAVING THE TRY GUYS

Eugene talks about how he's currently too stretched creatively, and is leaving the Try Guys to focus on his other projects. (He has two films in production, as well as a queer fantasy novel and a graphic novel in the works.) His departure does not appear to be happening with any rancor, but what he says about the difficulty in keeping up a public, onscreen persona is also very heartfelt and moving. Nonetheless, he's also kept the door open for guest spots with the Try Guys in the future. And he's only leaving after the current season, so we can still catch him in Try Guy videos for now.

Full transcript of the audio follows, if you'd like to speed read through:

- [Rachel] You ready? (Eugene sighs) - Dear friends, well, it's my time. I've wanted to have this heart to heart with y'all for quite a while now. It is with immense gratitude and unconditional love for Zach, Keith, our partners, our staff, and all of you who have supported us that I'm announcing my official departure from The Try Guys. After 10 profoundly impactful years, my time here on YouTube has come to an end. There's no version of this announcement in which I can properly express how emotional this moment is for me, how hard it is to close such a meaningful chapter of my life. But in the spirit of so much of my digital work, I'm gonna give it one last try.

I want to preface this by giving my heartfelt thanks to Zach and Keith, my bespectacled baby brothers, my tall and tiny nerd. I have no idea how we ended up on this wild journey together, but I couldn't have asked for better, smarter, weirder, funnier, and above all kinder individuals to have ridden alongside. It's been a great irreplicable honor that I will always treasure. And though our time in viral videos may be over, our friendship is forever. Even if I'll hate it when your spawn call me Guncle in the future, I shall train to become the best goddamn gay uncle in recorded human history.

Keith, you are such a shining light, truly the most physically gorgeous specimen alive with those long legs and huge mouth. After today, you are undeniably the hottest Try Guy. Zach, you're an absolute rock star. Every opinion you have is 100% correct, and I want to proclaim on record that I am the Letty Ortiz to your Dom... Guys, come on. I'm not saying all of this. - No, this is so much better than I ever imagined. Keep going, keep going. - Yes, the more emotional you get, the more everyone's gonna be okay with it. - Can you cry on cue? That would be so good for this. - Oh my gosh. Crying in the thumbnail. That'd be tits! Give it to us! (everyone laughs) - Rachel, will you please make them stop? - Yeah, you can't do this. It's a sincere video. You can't make him fake cry. - Okay. - Make him take off his shirt so we can objectify him one more time. - You being naked would be tits! (Zach laughs) - If y'all are gonna keep doing this, then just come over here and join me in presenting a few points. - Okay. So should we do the whole three guys one couch? - Absolutely not. - Dang. - Kind of invented the couch, but, okay, whatever.

- That being said, the three of us have always held a mutual, empathetic understanding about when the right time was for me to take a bow. - Some of you may have seen this coming for a while, as Eugene's schedule has gotten busier over the past few years. We thank you for your patience regarding a formal clarification. We wish we could have told you sooner, but certain circumstances outside of our control kind of challenged the three of us to come together in solidarity, and I'm very glad that we did. - Me too. So I'd like to reiterate, in case anyone misinterprets this as some kind of interpersonal ill will, that this is the furthest thing from drama. We have been through the worst version of that together. And all of my decisions have been made in consideration of what we built. And these two will always have my undying support, even if it happens to be from afar. - As you've witnessed with other notable goodbyes this year, there's a myriad of motivations for YouTubers to step away. Some are retiring, others are burnt out. Many have issues with the platform itself, as you've heard us talk about before. But again, our shows, they're not leaving YouTube at all. - Yeah, we're staying. I mean, he's leaving. - He's leaving. - I'm leaving. They're staying. But it's still a very personal decision for me, which I'll expand on later in this video. Rest assured the three of us have been discussing and planning these major changes together for a very long time now. - Of course, there's really no perfect time for this. This was always gonna be bittersweet, and we know that. We agreed though that now makes the most sense considering all the exciting new things that are happening at the company and in our lives. - Speaking of which, I just wanna say that I'm so, so, so proud of these two and our staff for your vision. Did I just elbow your stomachs? - Yeah, elbowed my belly. - I'm trying to express affection. - It was good. - You're almost there. - What do I do instead? If I go down... - If you go down it will be less affectionate or more affectionate, depending on the type of affection you like to give. - You were telling us how proud you are. - I was. Okay. Speaking of which, I am so, so proud of these two and our staff for your vision and hard work for the next era of 2nd Try. Now one of our long-term goals has always been to use the privilege of our platform to expand into a wider cast of diverse voices. - So we like to think that we're not really losing Eugene, but we're gaining so many more perspectives that deserve the opportunity to shine. However, we cannot let Eugene go without filming one last season of classic Try Guys videos. - And you can watch those episodes starting tonight at 2ndtry.tv. They're also gonna be here available on YouTube for free at a later time. Either way, I'm gonna miss you, buddy. - Yeah, 'cause, you know, we love you. - Oh. I love you all too. Come here. Come here. - Okay. - Come here. - Let's go for it. - This is a real one. - This is nice. - All right, now, if you would be so kind, I'd like to spend my last moments here with our beautiful, incredible audience. - Makes sense. - Cool. - [Zach] Okay. - I... (Keith and Zach giggle) - [Keith] Wee! - [Zach] Woo! Where do you wanna get lunch? - I'm the one leaving. This doesn't make sense. - [Zach] Oh, it's so bright. - [Keith] Oh my god. - It's fine. Okay. I'll wait till their bit's done. How are they gonna get back inside?

I want to be fully transparent about my reasons for leaving YouTube. And some of these have been difficult for me to find the confidence to express, but y'all deserve a comprehensive explanation. Well, first, in regards to my time, which is the primary issue we've cited, yes, I have become enormously inundated with work. I'm the busiest I've ever been in my entire life, and I'm so, so thankful to be committing my blood, sweat, and tears into projects that mean the world to me. Projects that have been in rigorous development for many years, which I'll elaborate more on in a bit. Now, as you know, once they required my undivided attention, I couldn't appear as often as I used to in videos. And it hasn't gone unnoticed how much my gradual withdrawal has upset some of you. And I am truly sorry for that. To express this as simply as possible, working full-time here became untenable, and it's evident that I can't continue keeping one foot in. So this amorphous arrangement where people end up asking the very fair question, "Is Eugene even a Try Guy anymore?" that will only disappoint all parties involved, especially you, the viewers who have stood by us. So for clarity's sake, we've decided to establish a clean break because clean breaks are ultimately better for the healing process. And I sincerely hope to guest star in future videos, and I don't wanna risk them being tainted by any embitterment. I want us to collectively look forward to those reunions with joy.

Now onto what I've been working on. My primary passions are writing and directing in the film and literary spaces. And my focus has always been on fiction, behind the camera and the pen. And that has never changed. And to hope to achieve any success in those spaces, gosh, it requires a lifetime of commitment. And first, my feature film. I've been writing and developing what will be my directorial debut for some time now. And we are in the active stage of packaging, and I am thrilled to be bringing it to life. The incomparable creatives at Killer Films believed in my script and have been working tirelessly with me for the past few years to get to this critical point. And I can't share more yet, but believe me when I say that it is the unbridled expression of my soul, and I have never been more determined and inspired. Now if you're unfamiliar with the industry, it's an exceedingly rare and blessed opportunity to be able to, one, get a movie produced at all, and two, gain the trust of others as a filmmaker. It requires 110% of my investment, both physically and emotionally. And I'm finally at a place in my journey as an artist to tackle this with unwavering conviction in my vision. And on top of that, the same can be applied to the literary world. I hold tremendous reverence for the writing process and am committed to proving myself as an author. So many aren't afforded this extraordinary opportunity, and I really don't want to squander it. As some of you know, I've been hard at work writing my novel, which is the first in an epic queer fantasy duology with the brilliant folks over at Macmillan and Feiwel & Friends. Due to certain unforeseen circumstances, we've had to push the release date. So you can expect it to be available next year in 2025, and I cannot wait for you to read it. Separately, I've also been writing my first graphic novel with Vault Comics, a twisted horror fantasy musical titled "Buckaroo". And you can expect more news about that and many other developments I can't mention yet in the very near future. My devotion is to creating original stories that will fundamentally thrive in other mediums.

This all brings me to a crucial message that I humbly want to emphasize. While yes, these projects are time consuming, I haven't necessarily prioritized them because I view the digital space as somehow beneath them. No, no. I have worked here online proudly for a decade and will always champion how profound and spectacular this medium can be. But after this past decade of work, of being invited into your homes, of having the privilege of getting to know so many of you, I've come to terms with the fact that this simply isn't the right space for me. The internet can be a fun, rewarding, fantastic place where many creatives shine, including my colleagues who are so, so talented at what they do. In truth, more often than not, I've experienced the opposite effect and leaving will be the best decision for preserving my mental health.

Now it makes me wildly uncomfortable to divulge all of this as I don't want to come off like I'm complaining. I can never stop repeating how deeply fortunate and thankful I am to have ever, ever been on this platform. But I'm going to try to open up as eloquently as possible because I really do care about all of you watching who might have come to care about me. I was always a private person, which has continually been at odds with the demands of being an online personality. Relatability, vulnerability, accessibility, all keywords you're familiar with about what makes a great YouTuber. Unfortunately, these weren't second nature to me, even though I tried my best. I really tried. I already contend with a complex relationship with my identities, so to have to casually discuss and publicize them at length, often in a positive and humorous manner, was exceptionally tough. This is an unscripted comedy channel after all, and that is why I removed myself completely from podcasting. I was trying to find ways to set boundaries and protect myself. But as someone who heavily saturated your screens for so many years, it might have come off as me growing distant and disinterested.

And if you have ever felt that way and if my colleagues have ever felt that way, then please know that that was never ever my intention. In all honesty, I was enduring more anguish, especially after involuntarily going viral for something so agonizing and demoralizing. Demand for my openness only grew. Strangers have been quick to tell me that I owe them my feelings and that I owe them my time to appear in content and that it's all just part of the job. Now contrary to the brave face I try to put on, I've always been profoundly aware of others' expectations. And if I'm unable to satisfy those expectations while staying true to myself, then maybe it's just not right. And many of you watching have probably experienced something similar in your own lives, that poignant moment when you know deep down that it's time for a change. Even if it hurts and even if it's hard, you know what? That change can be wonderful for everyone involved. And that is why I know that this simply isn't the right space for me and that that should be okay. I sincerely hope that it will be okay for all of you. And how I best express myself has been through narrative projects and ones that I can be fully immersed in, ones that can be guarded and intentional, long-term and precious, because that's where I'm most comfortable and energized, when I'm translating my identity, cultures, family history, and demons into work that can be dark and radical and strange and provocative. And while I also have made so, so many memories here that I'll always cherish, in the end, I can't stay. I wish I could be better at all of this for you and for my friends here at 2nd Try. I wish I found an alternative way to make this work because many YouTubers manage to flourish while protecting their peace. But the best, brightest version of myself is the me that can disappear behind my work, and that should be okay.

I chalk some of that up to how I've always had to navigate my privacy and presentation, which tends to be an integral part of the queer experience. It's why I've always relished experimenting with fashion as it's a way for me to transform into an alternate higher version of myself that's dazzling and powerful and self-possessed. You witnessed me learning how to paint my fantasies through clothing in real time. I bring this up because I don't want the summary of my issues to diminish the countless occasions where I have genuinely felt growth, connection, and happiness. A vital aspect of my time with y'all online was my coming out journey. That was undeniably raw and real. And I have grown so much louder and prouder about such a controlled, buried part of myself that was largely due to how emboldened I became because of so many of you out there, and I am eternally grateful for that.

I've also become uncompromisingly secure and appreciative of my representing of Asianness, of my Asianness. So much of that is thanks to the climate I was incredibly lucky to be a part of online where we carved out spaces to show more multifaceted, nuanced aspects of our unique backgrounds. To even be considered a voice in our community is an honor I hold dear every waking moment because I was someone who had always felt so voiceless before.

Fuck! I'm not supposed to cry. Overall, I've undergone an invaluable kind of education that could only happen through social media. It's inspired me to champion progressive values even when the world tries to stamp them out. I fully embrace the power of activism, and I'm more dedicated than ever to lead projects that explore and employ underrepresented talent. My time here with you has helped shape those principles, and I aim to never ever lose that energy. And although I've confessed the more stressful facets of my 10 years on YouTube, if I ever happened to make you smile or laugh or cry, then please know that you were instrumental in keeping me going 'cause you inspired me. Because regardless of the platform, to be able to share essential parts of myself, to garner an emotional response, and to have a spirited discourse, all of that qualifies as art. It constituted a meaningful relationship between us. And it ended up making me learn how to smile and laugh and cry too. And you, my dear friends, have my profound thanks for the opportunity and privilege to have been a part of your lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you. In conclusion, I want you to take away this one incontrovertible truth. You, all of the fans, and everyone here at 2nd Try could never be the reason I left because you were all the reason I stayed. Well, that's it. I hope y'all enjoy my final season of videos ahead, but this is my official sign off from the internet for the last time as a Try Guy. And as a guy who still has much to try, I know we'll meet again. Love, Eugene.

- That's a cut and that's a wrap on Eugene Lee Yang. (everyone applauds) Wait. Come hug him. - No! - [Rachel] Yes! - [Keith] We did. - No. - We didn't order you a lunch though. Are you cool with that? - One last time. - Taco salad. - Congrats. - I love you all. Now just the hugs to the camera. (everyone laughs) - [Rachel] Miss you most of all. - [Eugene] I'll miss you most of all.

[l-e-morgan-author]

Absolutely delighted to read my dad's author newsletter just now and find that he's added some of my mum's crocheting to his online shop. If you like crocheted octopuses (great for babies, and some hospitals will encourage them for premature babies), small crocheted teddies or rabbits, or hand smocked children's dresses (absolutely beautiful work, mum has done a lot of them and her attention to detail is very exact), check out Bible Tales Online's store. (Scroll to the bottom of the page to see mum's stuff, past all of dad's books.)

(I'm also featured in one of dad's story collections, the third Fiction Favours the Facts book - the blue one. I'm not particularly proud of my story in it, but I do like the other stories in that book.)

My personal favourite of mum's dresses is this one:

(Please note that a) it's the most expensive and b) this might be AUD, not sure.) I think she did this one during lockdown - anyway, I can absolutely vouch for the quality of the stitching and materials and that sort of thing.

If you like supporting Christians to keep being able to do what they love, please share this and consider whether your child or grandchild may deserve a beautiful hand-smocked dress, teddy, or bunny. I've watched mum making these, and she puts a lot of care and effort into them.

If you're looking for another book to read, my favourite of what I've read of dad's (apart from Daniel, Man of Light, which I believe he's trying to get trad-pubbed) is probably Joseph, Rachel's Son. I know there have been good reviews from teenagers of Beyond the Western Margin, but I don't know if that's actually published yet or just nearly-published.

Also sign up to his email newsletter (see the link above). Special deals, free stories, and things like that are to be found there. I've never regretted signing up, personally.

[sircesimblr]

Stam: Am I? Already bubbling with love for her? Haha, I guess I am. I do. When I look in the mirror, I can see her face right next to mine. I feel I can ask her things, I feel I want to listen to her, even when I've just woken up. She feels familiar. And I also think I may have seen her before, when she was in the bistro with her friend. You know, the singer from the band.

Manon: She has a friend in a band? Like, a troubadour-friend? My goodness. Rachel, dear, dear Rachel, please be careful. Don't mingle with such people until you've got your husband. These kind of things can reflect badly upon your pure self.

Stam: Don't worry. It is a really great band. Having such a friend cannot harm Rachel's virtue, haha, if that's what your concerned about. But please, let's talk about me. Tell Rachel something nice. Why am I the most rounded package she can get? Haha. Not fishing for compliments or anything.

Klaus-Ove: Obviously.

Manon: Where do I begin? First of all, Miss Rachel, this man might be a prince! His fair Northern mother, a hardworking nurse, met a tall and dark stranger in Al Simhara, who never revealed his name. I mean, look at Mr. Hardenes: that must have been a prince!

Stam: Let's not talk about the guy who knocked my mother up. He could just as well have been a troubadour, Miss de La Haye. I've never met him.

Manon: Oh? Yes, you've been raised by your dear mother alone, but surely you must feel, a certain kind of nobility... in your veins...

Stam: Nope.

Manon: But your looks!

Stam: Ah. My looks. I don't really care about that. Neither does Rachel I'm sure. I'm proud I have my mum's eyes and I'm proud I am strong and never ill, so I can pursue my dreams and be a good son to my beloved mother. She's my everything.

Manon: You don't care about it, yet you look in the mirror long enough to imagine your dream wife's face beside your own.

Stam: I practise my charisma skills.

Manon: I'm sure you do. Early in the morning. Right out of bed. I'm sure you practise your athletic skills too, not to build those fine muscles I notice beneath your far too gaudy shirt, but to...

Stam: Do you have any idea how hard the work of a chef is? If you don't keep your body in shape, you'll simply perish preparing meals. You won't make it a single night. Besides, I told you, I don't care about looks. All I aspire my body to be in the future, is soft and chubby, so my kids can use me as a teddybear or a trampoline, or a doormat, for all I care. I want to be the greatest dad in the world. I want to be the dad I never had. I want to be the dad that should have supported my mother every step of the way.

Manon: Goodness me, I knew you wanted a family. But this... So, one really has to read between the lines, with your person. And all these jobs you have, the whole rigmarole, besides being, simply put, gorgeous, all that is not to get ahead of others, nor to behave like a gentleman should, it is...

Stam: I'm just skilling up for the future I want. Making a name while I'm still single. But when I've found my love, and my home becomes a reality, and I hold my first baby in my arms, all falls second to that. And then I will be prepared. I will be so prepared. It will be nothing but happiness.

Manon: Oh, all the heavens above me. An airmonger.

Klaus-Ove and Orbin: Wow, man.

Stam: I thought you'd seen all that in me, Miss, when you said I was the total package for Rachel.

Manon: Oh, sweetheart... And you cared for your mother, when she had what you call a "burn out", when you were young? Twice?

Stam: I did. Why?

Manon: No... nothing. Just another thing Rachel needs to know. Something about an apple and a tree. Never mind. Let's... let's proceed and present the last of you. Mister Klaus-Ove Larsen, please come up here, you carefree looking pup.

Stam: I won't get to address Rachel myself, like Orbin did?

Manon: Well..., you can still try. We surely have another minute, haven't we, gentlemen? There, go ahead, Mr. Hardenes.

Stam: Okay. So here it is, dear Rachel. My dear Rachel. I've only seen you once or twice, yet you are already on my mind, like constantly. You intrigue me, you calm me down, I feel things. Possibilities of a future together. I could be that guy you describe. I could stay in with you, for a lifetime I guess. But I'd also like to take you out, to see people, to go for a delicious dinner, or to soak up art at a gallery. And maybe, someday to take you to the country half of me comes from. All preferably with our little one in a carrier on my back... Am I going too fast? I probably am. I don't want to scare you. I'll probably be quiet and in awe when we finally meet. And I can be funny too. Just contact me. I'll make sure it'll be worth your time.

Manon: Thank you, Mr. Hardenes. And now, sweet, dear Rachel, you know what they say: last may be best! Here is Mr. Klaus-Ove Larsen, the youngest of these gentlemen, someone who might sweep you off your feet in a swirl of magnificent creativity.

(prev)

[g-girlshavingfun]

A sister’s vigil: 5 times Rachel visited her sister in hospital, and 1 time she didn’t.

2/6

Word count: 5,285

‘No’ was Abby’s favourite word. Until of course someone dared say it to her, then it suddenly became ‘yes’. But she was also impatient, and sometimes she was more impatient than she was stubborn, so Rachel was pretty sure she could win this one.

———————————————————————

Chapter 2/6

“Can you take me to the park?”

“Not today Abs.”

“Pleeeeeeease! Pretty pretty please!”

“It’s raining Abby why would you want to go to the park?”

“Cause that’s when all the best worms come out and I need to get them before Corey or his worm hotel will be better than mine!”

“…What? No. No worms, no hotels, no park! Just, go read a book or do your homework or something.”

“But that’s so booooring.”

Rachel was going to kill her. She loved her little sister, she really did. She loved her when she spilled paint all over Rachel’s Countries of the World summer assignment. She loved her when she practised her back kicks in the house and broke their mother’s fancy china. She even loved her when they came home from the park and she had handfuls of mud and worms falling out her pockets. But Rachel had an Arabic essay to write, a CoveOps assignment to work on, and a start of year Culture and Assimilation exam to study for. She was going into her senior year this September. This time next year she’d be starting as an agent at Langley. She needed to ace these assignments, these exams, this year, and she couldn’t do that with her little sister draping herself over her shoulder and begging to go collect worms.

“Can we play Home Invasion? I’ll even let you be the invader!”

Rachel was going to kill her.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” for the first time in hours, Rachel removed herself from her desk. She grabbed her little sister by the armpits, swung her up in the air, and started lugging her out the room. Thankfully, Abby was still pretty tiny to Rachel, tiny enough that she never struggled to haul her around when necessary. “You, are going to go downstairs and find someway to entertain yourself. Don’t start any fires, don’t break anything, and don’t bring any animals into the hou- YES worms count as animals Abby. I am going to stay up here and work until dinner. Then we can play after dinner okay?”

She dropped her sister onto her feet at the bottom of the stairs, crouching down to catch the troublemaker’s eyes.

“Okay?”

Growing up, Rachel listened to every word her parents said, every word Sarah said, and every word her teachers said. She hung onto their requests, their instructions, and she always complied. Even when she didn’t want to, because they were older than her and smarter than her and they knew best. Once, she found a stray cat in town and begged her parents to let her keep him. She picked out a name - Felix - and promised to take the best care of him. She outlined her plan to fill a cardboard box with newspaper and sand and put it in her room. To change it every other day and let Felix sleep on a spare pillow under her bed. There was space under there after Abby had added Lupa the Labrador to her growing collection of stolen goods. Cats didn’t need walks but she figured Felix would get bored cooped up in her room all day so she would carry him out to the garden every lunch time for a run around. She even got Sarah to agree to mind him when Rachel was away at school.

One stern look from her mother and she crumbled. Felix was taken to the nearest animal shelter right then and there. It was probably for the best. Abby would’ve fed him worms, or stepped on him, or built a canon to shoot him out of somehow. The point was her mother knew what was best, and one stern look could always convince Rachel of that.

She tried to emulate her mother’s stern face now. Clenched jaw. Slightly narrowed eyes. A small crease digging into her forehead. Until a few years ago, Rachel couldn’t imagine anyone saying no to face she was trying desperately to copy.

‘No’ was Abby’s favourite word. Until of course someone dared say it to her, then it suddenly became ‘yes’. But she was also impatient, and sometimes she was more impatient than she was stubborn, so Rachel was pretty sure she could win this one.

Sure enough, after about a minutes silence between the two, Abby’s nose began to crinkle. Rachel’s used to do the same when she was thinking hard, until her CoveOps professor told her that it was a tell that would get her killed one day. She bribed her roommate, Heather, with CIA case reports she borrowed from her mother’s office in exchange for watching Rachel do her Computing assignments all semester. Every time her nose crinkled Heather had her full permission to spray her with water. Her nose hasn’t crinkled since.

Abby would need to lose the tell as well one day. Otherwise it would get her killed.

But for now Rachel appreciated the crinkle, she loved the crinkle, because it meant she was winning. Sure enough, her little sister pursed her lips, shifted her weight back and forth from one foot to the next, and huffed a tiny frustrated breath from her nose. With all the attitude of Tristan’s annoying younger sister and all her preteen friends, Abby rolled her eyes, scuffed her foot against the floor, and grumbled in agreement before darting off to do who knows what.

“Okay. Back to work.”

———————————————————————

“Rachel?”

Caroline Cameron’s voice echoed through her eldest daughter’s room. She had obviously just got home from work - her hair still pulled back in a bun, her beige pantsuit still immaculately pressed, and her heels still high despite the late hour.

“I grabbed pizza on my way home. It’s in the kitchen. Your sister’s already inhaling it.”

And with that she retreated back to her office to continue working. She’d remain in there until at least one of the Cameron girls had gone to sleep, maybe both, at which point she’d reemerge to eat a single slice of cold pizza and stare vacantly out the kitchen window. That had been her routine - except when she was away on assignments - for the past year now. Ever since her husband died.

Rachel sighed. She was going to regret this.

“Will you join us?”

Every now and then, when she was feeling brave, she’d do this. Ask her mother to break her routines. Tell her that there was a world outside of foreign dignitaries. Beg her to please, please, notice her children who still needed her. She hadn’t much success yet, but she was hopeful.

“I have work to Rachel.”

Or maybe delusional.

Rachel’s mother sent her a stern look as she closed her office door. And that was that.

Two summers ago, the three Cameron women had huddled together in a hospital waiting room of in the middle of the night. An ex-filtration of an undercover Interpol agent out of East Berlin had gone badly wrong, leaving several of the operatives involved, including Michael Cameron, injured in the fallout. The call had came late in the day, when Abby was already in her pyjamas and Rachel was already curled up with a book. When the doctors broke the news that their father would live with no lasting effects other than a limp, Abby was asleep in her sister’s lap with one hand clinging to Monty the sheep - short for Montauciel - and the other to Rachel’s hand.

He was the only surviving agent.

A year later he was dead.

He wasn’t a field agent anymore, was barley an agent at all. He decoded the occasional foreign intelligence and went on long walks, drowning himself in the guilt of surviving. Of attending six funerals in half as many weeks. Of outliving agents decades younger than him. Of outliving his best friend. Physically, he was fit aside from his leg, but he wasn’t well. Their mother never told them how he died, but he was perfectly healthy, only in his early 40’s. He no longer had job where he put his life at risk. He didn’t drive. Didn’t drink or smoke. He didn’t do much of anything. He was just sad.

Rachel knew how sad people died. She knew how her father died.

She was terrified her mother would die the same way.

She was also terrified her sister would choke to death on subpar pizza before she reached her eighth birthday.

“Slow down Abs, the pizza’s not going anywhere.”

“Shmighte choo.”

Rachel assumed that was mouth-full-of-food for something snarky, so she gave her a light cuff round the head as she walked past. It earned her a tiny glare, which did nothing in the way of intimidation and only made her hide a smile, but thankfully the farm yard animal in their kitchen swallowed before speaking again.

“I’m sick of pizza.”

“Yeah you look it.”

“We’ve had it four times this week and its only Wednesday.”

“What kind of seven year old complains about too much pizza?”

“One whose slowly dying of nutrinchel defi- deficies!”

“First of all it’s nutritional deficiencies, and you don’t have any. Second of all tone down the dramatics and I’ll ask mother to get Chinese tomorrow instead.”

“Can’t we cook something?”

No.

The possible outcomes of a Cameron using the kitchen for anything more advanced than making coffee included major food poisoning, a house fire, or a city-wide blackout.

“Sarah would cook burgers on Wednesdays.”

Sarah got married last year, a few months before Michael Cameron died. She still worked for the family after the wedding, but she lived with her husband in an apartment on the other side of town. At 7:00 everyday she would make her way across town, make Abby breakfast and tame her hair, take her to the park to hunt for worms or to school to hunt for trouble, make her dinner in the evenings and talk with her about whatever Abby wanted. Just as she did with Rachel.

After six months being married she found out she was pregnant, and she made the tough choice to start focussing on her own family. It made sense, and Rachel understood, and she didn’t miss her at all.

Abby did though.

Their mother hired a temporary nanny until the end of the school year, but Abby’s been Rachel’s responsibility over the summer. She hopes her mother remembered to hire someone new for September or her sister will end up running wilder than usual.

“Fine, I’ll ask mother to bring home burgers tomo-“

“Tomorrow’s Thursday!”

“-rrow if you just shu-“

“Thursday is pasta night!”

“-t up and EAT!”

She didn’t mean to yell, really. But she’s been up since 6:00 working on her Arabic and her COW assignment still needs rewriting and she’s definitely not going to ace her start of year Culture and Assimilation exam. She misses a father that was hardly ever around and a mother that isn’t even gone, her sister is getting on her last nerve, and this shouldn’t be her responsibility.

“Just, eat your dinner Abs then you can go play before bed.”

“…We can go play.”

“What?”

“You said you’d play with me after dinner. I made new booby traps for Home Invasion! Oh, speaking of you should definitely wear thick soled shoes… some of them are pointy…”

She couldn’t, she really couldn’t today.

“I’m sorry Abs. Tomorrow, I promise.”

When Abby started school she got in trouble all the time. She spoke over her teachers and shot spitballs at her classmates and never seemed to sit still. Rachel told her parents that it was just because she was clever and bored, but her mother pointed out that Rachel was clever and bored at school, but they never received phone calls about her rigging a bucket full of glitter above the boys bathroom door. When Abby started getting in trouble, she quickly learned that if she cried, the teachers would go easy on her. It was a flawless tactic. It also helped her get her way with Sarah, but it never worked on Rachel.

Rachel knew that even when her sister was really upset, she didn’t cry. She never cried when she had nightmares, or when she was scared of storms at night. She didn’t cry as they sat in the waiting room waiting for news about their father, didn’t cry when their mother told them he was dead, didn’t even cry at his funeral. She cries when she wants something, not when she’s upset.

When she’s upset, her lower lip starts to shake and her chin starts to wobble. The blood vessels in her eyes pink up, bold against the green of her iris’, and they shine with immobilised tears. A small crease begins to form in her forehead and a wave of trembles spreads from her head to her toes. She swallows once. Maybe sniffs. And then her jaw clenches and her eyes cloud in anger, narrowing into slits as the rest of her body stills.

That’s what she looks like now.

“Abby…”

That’s what she looks like before she turns on her heels and bolts out the room.

———————————————————————

Rachel is just finishing up the second edition of her COW assignment when the doorbell rings.

She waits a moment in the hopes that someone else will answer it. It’s unlikely that her mother would leave her office at this time for anything short of the fire alarm going off, and Abby isn’t technically allowed to answer the door by herself, but not being allowed to do something hasn’t stopped her before. Unfortunately, Abby has apparently chosen this moment to do as she’s told for once, and the bell rings again.

And again.

And again and again and ag-

“What!”

When she was storming down the stairs and planning the murder of whoever was using their doorbell as a pincushion for their finger, the last face she expected to see was Tristan Marley’s.

She supposed it should’ve been high up on her list of possibilities, given that he lives just across the road, but ever since they broke up a year and a half ago they both made a strong effort to avoid each other.

Initially when Tristan asked her out she said no. It was the winter after her father’s injury and she was halfway through tenth grade. It was an important year. She had just committed to the CoveOps pathway over research and development and she didn’t want to be distracted by boys when she was already distracted by her family. It didn’t matter that he was cute, with floppy blonde hair and bright blue eyes, tall for his age and just beginning to develop some muscles. It didn’t matter that he was smart, for a civilian at least. It didn’t matter that he was kind, always laughing at her jokes and tolerating her sister’s nonsense and smiling at her parents when he saw them. None of that mattered. But her father ranting about how he was a respectable boy from a good family who would make something of himself one day, her mother explaining that civilian allies were important as long as they were influential like Tristan’s family were, Sarah gushing about how cute the two of them would be together. That mattered. The only person who wasn’t thrilled when she finally said yes, was Abby, who called him boring and stupid and a butthead.

She was only five but maybe Rachel should’ve listened to her.

“What do you want Tristan?”

All the Culture and Assimilation classes in the world couldn’t make Rachel be courteous to that two-faced two-timing weasel.

“It- It’s-“

Of course the unathletic moron couldn’t even walk across the road without getting out of breath.

“-A-Abby, sh-she f-fell and sh-she’s hurt. Come on.”

It’s a good thing Tristan had grabbed her hand and started running, pulling her down their gravel driveway and past the towering gates that bordered their estate, because Rachel’s brain had momentarily stopped working.

“Wha-what do you-“

“Just come on!”

He dragged her across the road without even looking because he’s an idiot and they came to a stop in the yard outside his window where her baby sister was lying crumpled on the ground. She was curled up on her side clutching at her left leg. Her breathing was shallow and ragged, her face pale but splotchy. Tiny whimpers clawed out of her mouth and punched Rachel in the chest as streams of tears ran down her tiny face.

That didn’t make sense. Abby doesn't cry.

“What the hell happened?”

Rachel dropped to her knees next to her sister’s head, ignoring the pain shooting through her legs. She ran a soothing hand through dark hair and tried to force comforting noises past the lump in her throat as she scanned her tiny body for injuries. There were flakes of blood in her hair and the way she was breathing made Rachel worry about her ribs, but it was clearly her leg that was the problem. Halfway between her knee and hip there was a massive lump that was already beginning to bruise, purple and blue and red wrapping around her leg that was growing to twice it’s normal side.

Oh God she’s broken her femur.

“I have no idea what she was doing or that she was there I just came home and my room kind of smelled like feet so I opened my window a bit more and-“

A discarded bucket lay on it’s side nearby. Ever since Tristan and Rachel had broken up, Abby had found great pleasure in playing pranks on him. There was a tall tree with branches extending to the boy’s window that she uses to access his room. She smuggled a small family of birds into his bathroom. She coated his nicest pants in itching powder. She even wedged planks behind the front wheels of his car so he couldn’t reverse out the drive. Rachel was sure she had done more but Abby had gotten pretty good at not getting caught. She must’ve been setting up a bucket of something above Tristan’s cracked open window when the window opened and knocked her out the tree.

Worms.

A glance upwards confirmed her suspicions. The little liar had been collecting worms for a stupid prank on Rachel’s stupid ex-boyfriend and now her stupid baby sister was-

“Call an ambulance Mr Marley.”

That was her mother’s voice.

“Now please.”

“Right. Right yeah.”

Her mother was supposed to be in her office working. Not out in the cold and the rain in her high heel shoes and finely pressed pantsuit crouching at her daughter’s side.

“Ca-can’t you drive her?”

“No. I’ve been drinking.”

She said it quietly. Like she was ashamed. Which didn’t make sense because her mother didn’t feel shame. She was proud and loud and assertive and she doesn't drink alone in her office on a Wednesday evening.

“I can drive.”

“Your hands are shaking and you can barely see.”

They are?

They were. One alternating between sweeping the hair off Abby’s forehead and the tears off her cheeks, and the other holding tight to two tiny hands, but both were trembling and she couldn’t stop them. Her vision was blurring too. She didn’t know why since she had just eaten and she was well rested and the rain was starting to let up so there was no reason for her vision to be blurry. Or for her breaths to be coming out in tiny gasps. Or for her voice to be catching and stuttering when her voice was always meant to be strong and assertive.

“Tri-Tristan can drive.”

“I’m not trusting that boy with my daughter.”

She hadn’t felt like that a couple years ago but whatever.

“Stay here and wait for the ambulance, I’ll go pack us a bag.”

And with that she got up, turned on her heel and headed back to the house, ignoring the pitiful cries Abby let out as she did.

“Shhh Abs its alright, she’ll be back in a moment. You’re okay, you’ll be fine.”

Tristan was being characteristically cowardly and didn’t reemerge from his house, leaving her alone with her sister as they waited for the ambulance to come. Abby’s cries were slowly getting quieter and less terrifying, but they wouldn’t stop coming, and Rachel still didn’t know what to do. How to comfort her. How to fix this. Where was their mother? Children in pain want their mother right? When Heather gave Rachel a concussion in Protection and Enforcement in the eighth grade all Rachel wanted was her mother to sit by her side and smooth her hair until the world stopped spinning.

Abby must want their mother.

“Hurts Rach.”

“I know, its alright. You’re okay, you’ll be fine.”

But all Rachel could give her was the same platitudes as they waited for the ambulance, for their mother, for everything to be normal again.

———————————————————————

When their father was airlifted to a DC hospital after being stabilised in Europe, he and the two other agents that survived long enough to make the journey were placed in a private wing with members of the secret service on every door and some of the best doctors in the country assigned to their care. They were highly ranked and respected agents recovering from injuries sustained on an important operation so they received the best, most efficient care the country could offer, and their families were kept well in the loop.

Apparently the same luxuries were not afforded to seven year olds who fall out of trees.

When the ambulance initially arrived at the ER and the three Camerons were hastily unloaded, they were met with a swarm of activity. A nurse ushered Rachel and her mother away as doctors fought over access to Abby like vultures picking off pieces of meat from a corpse. She overheard scraps of their conversations, “displaced femoral fracture”, “potential pneumothorax”, “mild concussion”, all phrases she understood but was struggling to comprehend, the words moving sluggishly through her brain and failing to activate any centre of knowledge. The only thing she could comprehend was that her sister was still crying. She was gasping and spluttering on the air that she forced into her lungs. She whimpered every time one of the nurses or doctors brushed their hands against her skin. She was still crying and Rachel couldn’t fix it.

They took her away for surgery soon after and Rachel and her mother had heard nothing since.

That was four hours ago.

“Sit down Rachel.”

That was four hours ago and now Rachel was pacing.

Her mother had no right to tell her to sit down. Her little sister was having surgery on a broken femur and she was worried. The pacing was helping distract her from the worry.

“Everyone in this waiting room can tell that you’re worried. It’s a tell. Sit down.”

She sat down.

“Aren’t you worried?”

Her mother wasn’t pacing, but that was probably because she didn’t want everyone in the waiting room to know she was worried. Mothers worry about their children when they were hurt. When they cry even though they never cry, when they struggle to breath, when they get dragged to surgery and no one updates them for four hours. Her mother must be worried.

“No.”

Or maybe not.

A tight band wrapped itself around Rachel’s chest and began to squeeze. Heat spread from her head and heart to her cheeks, her fingertips, her toes. Tension wove itself into her muscles and pulled tight, leaving her jaw and fists clenched and her body shaking. The anger came over her suddenly. Unexpectedly. Uncontrollably. She exploded.

“Of course not! Why would you worry about your daughter, your seven year old daughter, whose scared and in pain and in surgery? Why would you worry about her when that would require you to care about her-“

“Of course I care Rachel.”

“-and think about her and generally acknowledge her existence? Much better to just ignore it right, that’s what you’re good at. Just ignore when your children need you or want to spend time with yo-

“I doubt I’m the one she wanted to spend time wi-.”

“I was busy! I already got her breakfast and lunch and did her hair. I spent all of yesterday helping her with her left hook and all of the day before playing Home Invasion. I spend time with her every day, every week, trying to keep her out of trouble, but I have my own life. I have work to do!”

“Your school work doesn't keep the roof over our heads Rachel.”

“No and neither does drinking whiskey in your office all night.”

“How dare y-“

“Mrs Cameron?”

The doctor looked embarrassed to be interrupting our conversation, though everyone else in the waiting room looked relieved. Her mother looked embarrassed as well. Not in any obvious way, there was no flush to her cheeks or averting of her eyes, she hid her emotions like a perfect operative, but Rachel’s words had struck her.

Good.

Rachel couldn’t bring herself to care about her mother’s embarrassment, distracted by the doctor telling them that Abby’s surgery had gone well. That they used screws to stabilise the bone and it should heal perfectly in a couple of months. That she has three broken ribs on her left side, but no pneumothorax or bruising of the lung. That she was recovering in room 14, awake but groggy, and has been asking for them.

Before the words had fully left the doctors mouth, Rachel began stalking down the hallway, nothing able to stop her except the sound of her mothers voice.

“Rachel. Take the bag with you.”

With me?

“You… you’re not coming?”

The silence was answer enough.

Anger surged through Rachel’s body again. How could she not be coming? How could she not be coming when her daughter is asking for her? As quickly as it took over her, the anger left. Only a tired resignation, an emptiness she felt in her bones, remained. So she simply shook her head, grabbed the rucksack at her mother’s feet, and stormed off.

———————————————————————

“Thought I told you not to break anything?”

“At least I didn’t start a fire.”

“Well there’s plenty of time until summer break ends. I suppose you’ve still got time.”

Abby gave a little giggle at that, grimacing at how it pulled at her chest. From where Rachel was perched on the right side of the bed, her breathing still looked shallow, but it was slow and even now. Though she still looked pale, a bit of colour had returned to her cheeks. Her eyes were drooping with exhaustion but she was no longer crying. Overall, despite the bed dwarfing her tiny frame, and the massive red cast covering half her leg, she looked okay.

“Where’s mother?”

Sitting in the waiting room. Getting a cab home. Going to the bar across the street.

“Tracking down something to eat. No pizza, I promise.”

“What’s in the bag?”

Rachel had no idea. Whatever their mother felt was more important than comforting her injured, crying child as she waited for an ambulance. A case file, a change of clothes, a bottle of whiskey, anything could be in that bag and their mother would’ve found a way to justify its importance. So Rachel didn’t show her sister the contents of the bag as she opened it, just in case all it revealed was disappointment.

But the bag’s contents didn’t fill her with disappointment or anger. It didn’t stoke the flames of frustration she felt towards her mother. Instead her chest felt the tinniest bit warmer, the tinniest bit fuller as she unzipped the rucksack.

Sitting at the top of the bag was a ball of white fluff with four brown stumps for feet. Roughened and dulled with age but still distinguishably recognisable. Rachel removed Monty the sheep from the bag and placed him carefully on Abby’s chest, enjoying the way an embarrassed flush spread across her sister’s cheeks.

“I’m not a baby! I don’t need a stupid stuffed toy!”

“Stupid? Need I remind you I bought you that toy. And you better keep your voice down, you’ll upset poor Montauciel.”

“Monty can’t hear me he’s stuffed.”

The grumble and the pout weren’t convincing Rachel that her sister wasn’t a baby. Nor was the tiny hand reaching up to grasp at one of Monty’s feet. She looked back down at the open bag to hide her grin from her bashful sister and caught sight of the yellowing foot of a stuffed dog.

“Now you definitely don’t want this one, in fact I’m fairly sure she belongs to me.”

Her sister tried snatching Lupa out of her hand anyway, probably jarring her ribs in the process though she didn’t let on.

“No! They’re best friends, they have to stay together.”

“Only if you admit you stole her.”

“She was lonely in your room! You never even play with her.”

“Oh you mean you still play with the stuffed toys?”

“Shut up that’s not what I said.”

The way she clutched both toys to her chest, Lupa now held tightly in her right arm as though guarding her from her sister and Monty held more cautiously on her injured left side, really wasn’t helping her case. She was beginning to get frustrated though, forehead creasing, cheeks flushing, and jaw clenching. Usually this would’ve egged Rachel on further, but she decided her sister had had a hard enough day. They all had.

Instead she ran a hand over her sister’s head and lowered herself down next to her.

“Sorry about earlier”

The words, barely a whisper, barely a breath, were met with a tiny shrug.

“S’okay.”

“Are you okay?”

“Hurts a bit.”

“Get some sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Will you sign my cast?”

“I’ll track down some sharpies in the morning. Sleep now.”

Usually an instruction to go to sleep was met by an abundance of protests, but the combination of a long day, the hour being past past midnight, and the multitude of drugs she’d been given today had Abby’s eyes drooping closed almost immediately as she exhaled a deep sigh and relaxed into her sister’s arms.

“She hides them in the same place you used to hide the dog. You should warn her that under the bed isn’t exactly the secure hiding spot she thinks it is.”

It was sloppy of Rachel not to notice her mother lingering outside the door. Or it would’ve been if her mother hadn’t been highly trained, one of the best operatives there is. If Rachel hadn’t been more exhausted, more emotionally drained than she had been in a long while. If she had really cared whether her mother was eavesdropping on her children rather than joining them or not.

“Her name’s Lupa.”

“Hmmm.”

Heels clicked against the floor. Slowly. If it was any other woman Rachel would’ve called it hesitantly, but her mother isn’t a hesitant women. They came to a stop on the left side of the bed where she slowly - slowly not hesitantly - reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Abby’s ear. Her eyes were red.

Why would they be red?

A moment of pause, then she leant down and pressed a lingering feather-light kiss against the girl’s forehead.

“I convinced the nurses to let you stay the night. You should get some sleep too.”

With that, she pressed an identical kiss to Rachel’s own head, turned on her heel and left the room.

Rachel, exhausted from the days events and confused by her mothers uncharacteristic behaviour, did exactly as she aways did. She did as her mother told her to and joined her sister in sleep.

———————————————————————

Authors note:

What do you mean one of the Cameron parents was destroyed by the guilt of losing their best friend and the other by losing their husband? Hope nothing in their daughter’s lives ever parallels these events, with the exception that unlike their parents who suffered in their grief alone and failed to reconnect with their family, the girls return to their home and lean on each other/a mutual friend in order to overcome their grief for the good of the child(ren) in their lives.

Not sure if I’m happy with this one or not, the pacing feels a bit all over the place and I got taken on a lot of tangents, but wanted to add a bit more to their backgrounds.

I envisioned kid Abby as a slightly bratty, overactive, evil genius. We know from the series that she’s not a fan of rules and that definitely caused a lot of grief growing up. We also know that Rachel is always on top of the girls shenanigans despite only having a couple years experience as a headmistress, and though I’m sure the spy training helps, I definitely think she got a crash course in troublesome kids from Abby growing up.

Also, Montauciel is the name of the sheep that went on the first hot air balloon ride in 1783. Abby wanted to name him fluffy but Rachel intervened. Lupa was named after the she-wolf from Roman mythology so the stupid stuffed sheep had to have a cover name as well.

[tinx-methinks]

43, 44, 45, and 49! 💕

Thank you lovely~! I was hoping I'd get more than one of these. <3 Hope you're ready for this answer lol

43. Title of a book you own that’s in the worst physical condition you have. Explain what happened to it. Post a picture if you want.

I waited till now to answer this cause I wanted to include a picture of my shame and these books were tucked safely away in the back of my bedroom bookshelf where my partner was sleeping so I couldn’t get them. Confession time: I love reading in the bath. And in the days before my waterproof ereader I have destroyed a book or two simply by rereading it and exposing it to my wet and wild habit over and over. Please don’t judge me for the severity of these pictures, it was a different time.

All trigger warnings for severely abused books apply.

That is my copy of The Good the Bad and The Undead by Kim Harrison which is the second book in her The Hollows/Rachel Morgan series and the first one I read after finding it in my dad’s rejected books pile. It’s probably the book I’ve reread the most besides Reaper Man by Terry Prachett as I recall finishing it on occasions and immediately restarting it. I loved it. I actually own three copies of this book. This one. A digital copy in a full series omnibus. And another copy of the paperback bought recently as I’d love to own the entire series so I’m trying to pick the ones I’m lacking. 

The second is my copy of Darkfever by Karen Marie Moning this is the first book in her Fever series which I to this day haven’t finished but at the time it was a favored because of its interesting world building, angst ridden characters, and of course the sexy potential of its (poorly aged!) love to hate ‘em alpha-male romantic interests. Still I used to wait for each new book of the series to be available at the library and while I waited I used to reread my copy of this one to keep the characters fresh in my mind. Funfact: I also bought a digital bundle of this series which I was reading as my “work book” (the book I only read at work) for a while. And I made it all the way to where I originally stopped. The last book in the original series, book five: Shadowfever. I made it halfway through it when the lockdowns hit and at that point I didn’t want to start reading my work book at home so I still haven’t finished it. That’s probably ok though, while I enjoy the nostalgia of the characters and world it’s not so great in 2023! 

So yeah I think they’re both pretty banged up but I think Darkfever might be a little worse? It certainly feels worse to the touch! Pages clumped and stuck together and edges destroyed. Its more waterdamaged at least, but the other one is split down the middle so I guess that’s also pretty bad! I'm posting both tho because the other one def looks worse.

44. The book(s) whose stories have become part of your very makeup.

Reaper Man. Dragonlance: Chronicles, Legends, Tales, the Lost Chronicles, and the Raistlin Duology in particular. The Count of Monte Cristo. Cyrano De Bergerac, The Art of Asking. American Gods. Countless short stories, fairy tales, myths and legends. The first six books of The Hollows series by Kim Harrison also need to be mentioned. Particularly the one above. You can’t imagine how mortified I was when I got my partner to read them and he commented “Hey, you, like, took some of your personality from these didn’t you?” Yeah. Probably bruh. But you don’t have to call me out like that.  Books five, seven, and eight of the Women of the Otherworld Series probably deserve an honorable mention for the same reason tbh. More recently I think the series of Bring Me Their Hearts, and The Library of the Unwritten definitely rewrote something in my brain. 

45. What book(s) would you sell your soul to get a TV or movie adaptation of?

Listen the other day I was imagining a Monty Python style variety show adaption of Daniel M Lavery’s book Something that May Shock and Discredit You which a WILD PULL but the only answer I have for you right now. I think it would have animated parts like Python did but they’d be stylized like The Simpson’s animation. I don’t fantasize about adaptations but I think they really work best for children’s books so if you made me answer seriously I guess I’d go with The Tales of the Frog Princess by E.D. Baker and maybe that should’ve been in the question above too lol. 

49. Do you prefer hopeful, humorous, very emotional or darker books?

I think I tend to err toward darker and angstier books. I get a lot of catharsis from them but I think most of the time books like The Bone Orchard or Leech or Iron Widow or whatever I’m reading that deals with dark topics usually benefit from that undercurrent of hope. I don’t think dark and emotional needs to lack hope and I tend to most enjoy ones that allow space for both. 

That being said I read a lot and I think what I like most is having options and variety.

Asks for Bookworms here

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

(Note: All of these asks are before episode 206 (Season 2 finale) so some may be dated.) 1. tbh rachel wouldnt need to add in random lines about how capitalism is bad and having internalized misogyny at age seven if she didnt claim to the high heavens that shes actually a feminist goddess telling the most progressive story ever. talk about creating your own problems.

2. Never thought I'd say it but Zues spitting facts fr 

3. No but why is Zeus framed as in the wrong😭 Like I understand in myths he’s supposed to be an asshole and at first in LO I could understand why he was an asshole, but Zeus is literally in the right in punishing Persephone. Like I’m rooting for him over HxP at this point man

4. this isn't even just the fact hades is a manipulative slave owner with an oedipus complex but zeus also just looks more aesthetically pleasing?? like his colors are much nicer and he has drip and pretty hair?? also like he doesnt lie about who he is, he will happily admit hes a dick, but hes fair when he needs to be and can stand by for those he cares about (yes hera i mean you after your kronos nightmare!), meanwhile with hades its like rachel dont lie to me hes elon musk at BEST

5. Alright I got some concerns over the new chapter (not fp) -

The idea that Persephone is SO important and that her unfair punishment is basically f*cking over everybody because Zeus is being too stubborn to realize what a hard working angel she is... Doesn't sit right with me.

Idk how to phrase this to make it make sense but everyone is being passive aggressive (sort of understandably) towards Zeus because his decision to punish Persephone. Like that satyr is basicslly saying "if only Zeus would lighten up and let hades and persephone be married and cater to their every whim then people / the world would be happy"  - like the way the trial / punishment is written is that Persephone is the single most important character Ever whos life and choices affect everyone all the time and everyone is invested in hades and persephone being together because their lives basically depend on it - like hades is now supposedly messing up his own economy / citizens over not being able to see Persephone.

Also - I like that persephone seems to be standing up for herself finally, but it took 10 yrs to do it?? 

6. NGL I'm obsessed with that panel revealing Persephone's underworld citizenship went through bc 1) are we just supposed to ignore her immense privilege of getting a sped through process in a few DAYS, bc I won't! but 2) it feels like such an unintentional mockery of the actual immigration progress, where so many of us were/are trying to flee war, violence, and trying to find a better life, meanwhile SHE gets a sped through process so she can avoid the law/hook up with her boss. Love that, Rachel!

7. Also now that Cerberus is here I guess plot wise Persephone HAS to go see Hades despite the rules in place, she now has an excuse to go to the underworld and idk I read somewhere that some of the gods are in a sleep coma?

So heres a prediction - maybe kronos is up to something and zeus hasn't been affected yet because... Reasons? I bet its so that everyone is gone so oh no, whos going to save the Olympians from the dreaded kronos? Persephone of course! And zeus will finally have to admit how awesome she is and how great at everything she is and how wrong he was to punish her because only she, a fertility goddess, can save them and at the end everyone will be so mad if he doesn't forgive her because she saved the world to prove her worth that he'll have no choice but to lift the punishment and she and Hades can finally bang, I mean get together, and be married and everything goes back to normal and our protags get a happy ending and idk about everyone else - maybe Apollo is thrown into jail for rape and zeus is kept as king of the Olympians for a good show of faith but Hades and Persephone keep a close eye on him and basically control the strings so hes more like a puppet, and maybe hera and echo get together idk. Everyone else is secondary to the hades and persephone story so I don't know about them, cause despite it being called Lore Olympus only occasionally do we see storoes that pertain to outside of persephone and hades pov.

8. does that one anon think we critique  rachel/LO because she's a woman 😭 the majority of lo critics are women?? yeah her being a cis white woman does effect how we look at her work, the ideas she puts into it, and how others treat her (especially compared to actual marginalized female webtoon creators), because that does play a huge role in why LO is full of problematic things and rachel's coddling by her fans. if we were calling her a bunch of gendered terms that'd be one thing, but we're not.

9. sorry but anon going "youre being WOKE" is such a giveaway theyre assholes w conservative opinions but dont want to admit it. like these are LO fans?? people who bemoan "woke" critics, who tend to be in the oppressed groups rachel is speaking over while claiming she's the actual progressive feminist?? like you guys cant have it both ways, if you want to claim LO is some feminist masterpiece then you cant shut down ppl who point out it consistently fails to meet up to even 1 progressive ideal 🤧

-----SA Discussion Below-----

10. FP SPOILERS///Sooo um Rachel made an episode with literal sex assault and wrote it off as a joke? Wow that's some big pro-feminism shit for you. It's not just stupid, it's disgusting and dangerous, bc what the hell are you implying as a writer when you write a scene where one character sexually assaults another for LAUGHS???? ARE YOU SERIOUS RACHEL???? I-I can't I really can't, somehow she makes literally everything 10x times worse with each new episode

[dehydratedpercy]

hey hey hey!! i'm about to finish my umpteenth reread of preserve or raze and i just wanted to shower you with love because you literally cannot imagine how much i adore your fic oh my gods

first off. the characters sir. the characters. i like every single one of them more than in canon and that's saying something because i loved them a lot in the first place

jason grace? absolute perfection. hazel levesque? frank is the most relatable character ever because i too am such a damn simp for her. frank himself? ultimate best boy. and percy? *fanboy sounds intensify* yeah that should be enough of an answer. i love him your honour. nico di angelo? adored him back then adore him now. also long hair in a bun!nico lives rent free in my head. and annabeth? she's one of the only characters i didn't like much in the original books anyway but such kudos to you for writing her denial arc about percy, it was so amazingly written and god. truly all i can offer is admiration

not to mention how much i long to take part in those cuddle parties and movie nights with the gang

also hell yeah lesbian piper and rachel. you were doing god's work fixing the former character's writing tbh

and the plot itself is SO GOOD. like. it's not a coincidence that it can fully hold my autistic ass's attention all the way through even though it's 277k words at this point. it's truly one of the best things i've read and that is saying something because i read A Lot

so. god. thank you so much for this masterpiece!! and please keep going!! this book means more to me than you can imagine

(but ofc, please only do so within your boundaries and while putting yourself first - just in case it wasn't obvious /gen)

i hope you're doing well and that the rest of your day is gonna be great <3

all the best, jay

Hi jay!! This is an old ask, but that is only because it delighted me so much that I wanted to keep it in my ask box for a while to appreciate it.

"first off. the characters sir. the characters. i like every single one of them more than in canon and that's saying something because i loved them a lot in the first place"

YES let's talk characters. Rick did a great job setting up the basics, okay? Okay. He did great. It has been my honor to just EXPAND upon the basics, which, also, were mostly 13 year olds who didn't cuss. But they were SO badass, they really deserved better-- like, idk, to be in their 20s, to have mature relationship drama/hookups, to be even more dramatic and less goody-two-shoes, and yes, of course, to swear up a storm. FRANK DESERVES TO SAY FUCK.

You know those first few chapters of Mark of Athena (told from Annabeth's POV) where she sees Jason acting all regal (and yet still kinda fucked up), she sees Percy acting all buddy buddy with Frank and Hazel (and it makes her feel nervous/worried), she interacts with Reyna (and there's this weird underlying tension)? And its generally just about... two cultures combining and problem solving together and a bunch of characters we love acting hesitant around each other because they don't know who's a threat and who's not? Well, PoR was VERY inspired by those chapters. I read those chapters and went "You know what would be nice? 250k words of this" and then thats what I spent the next three years writing.

"jason grace? absolute perfection. hazel levesque? frank is the most relatable character ever because i too am such a damn simp for her. frank himself? ultimate best boy. and percy? *fanboy sounds intensify* yeah that should be enough of an answer. i love him your honour. nico di angelo? adored him back then adore him now. also long hair in a bun!nico lives rent free in my head. and annabeth? she's one of the only characters i didn't like much in the original books anyway but such kudos to you for writing her denial arc about percy, it was so amazingly written and god. truly all i can offer is admiration"

Hazel is chill but also lowkey magical and wonderful. Frank is 100% right to feel such strong admiration of her. And yes, Frank is DEFINITELY the best boy, and not only because he turns into a very cute pug. PERCY. Love of my life, waterer of my crops.

"and annabeth? she's one of the only characters i didn't like much in the original books anyway but such kudos to you for writing her denial arc about percy, it was so amazingly written and god. truly all i can offer is admiration"

Okay, the Annabeth thing is so interesting because I've heard a LOT of people say they didn't like her in the books?? Which shocks me, because I thought she was great. I really projected heavily onto Percy, but I liked Annabeth and their relationship a lot. I think fanon Annabeth gets a little messy, so maybe the issue is that people struggle when figuring out how to interpret her-- they either see her as really basic, or really controlling and mean. Personally, I think Annabeth is a lot more than either of those things: she's the type of person who's in touch with her emotions, but is constantly fighting between logic and emotions, deciding what is the smartest thing to do versus what is the thing she is most called to do. The people surrounding her at camp pigeonhole her into being logical, because "Annabeth wouldn't do something irrational" "Annabeth is smart, she should act like it" "Annabeth should always think things through". That's why she works so well with percy-- he DOESN'T think things through, he totally flies by the seat of his pants and acts on his emotions every time, even when its going to fuck him up. Percy shows Annabeth that it's okay to act emotionally instead of rationally-- that you can still get places that way. Annabeth lived a life where everyone else was holding her back, and then met Percy, and Percy was one of the first people who didn't try to hold her back. If anything, he encouraged her to push further, yell louder, and just-- be more.

So yeah. I do, genuinely, love Percabeth. And I'm glad this fic has made you appreciate them-- or at least Annabeth-- more ;)

"not to mention how much i long to take part in those cuddle parties and movie nights with the gang"

HELL!!!! YEAH!!!!

"also hell yeah lesbian piper and rachel. you were doing god's work fixing the former character's writing tbh"

THANK!!!! YOU!!!!! Look all I'm saying is. Piper and Rachel should've been canon. Piper's SUCH a hippie. The way she dresses, the way she thinks-- yes. She needs, NEEDS, an artist girlfriend. And Rachel-- UGH, you don't understand, she wants Piper so bad. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Should've been canon, I'm telling you.

"and the plot itself is SO GOOD. like. it's not a coincidence that it can fully hold my autistic ass's attention all the way through even though it's 277k words at this point. it's truly one of the best things i've read and that is saying something because i read A Lot"

I'm honored 😭🥰 The true miracle is that it held my autistic ass's attention for long enough to write that much in the first place, holy shit. This was a special interest to rival God. I have really, really loved writing it though, so I'm glad you've enjoyed it so much :') ❤️❤️❤️

"so. god. thank you so much for this masterpiece!! and please keep going!! this book means more to me than you can imagine"

🥰🥰🥰 Thank you!! And good news for you, these upcoming days/weeks I will be writing the remaining chapters and continuing/finishing this story! My current job gives me a LOT of free time so I think it's only right that I use it to give PoR the conclusion it deserves.

Thanks so much for the ask and all the love. I wish you wonderful reading and a wonderful day as well!

-Atlas

[conundrumoftime]

Dear Unsent Letters Writer

Hello and thank you so much for writing for me! Please think of all my prompts for the tags as suggestions rather than things I’ve got my heart set on - as long as you avoid my DNWs, I’m happy if write whatever calls to you. I’ve got a broader likes/DNWs section here and then some specifics for each fandom.

Silmarillion: 

Melian and Sauron - Maiar bickering calls to my very soul. This could be during the time Melian's in Doriath (maybe Sauron is trying to formally negotiate on Morgoth’s behalf? Or maybe he’s just annoyed that she gets to have her own kingdom in Middle-earth but he’s in the Velar’s bad books?) Maybe Sauron's writing a report on Melian and her activities for Morgoth, or maybe they both keep diaries about their existence in Middle-earth. Or maybe a later Sauron is writing something to about Melian after she's left Middle-earth for good? 

Maedhros & Any of the Sons of Feanor - I’d love a glimpse into Maedhros’s mind when he’s still trying to get an alliance together to fight Morgoth - how frustrating must it be when your own brothers are making life harder? Or maybe something later, letters to or diary entries about brothers that have died (this can include Amrod (or Amras!) dying when the ships burn if you want). Or maybe it’s a last letter left behind for Maglor.

Fingon/Maedhros - Maybe Maedhros writing something about or unsent to Fingon after the Feanorians arrive in Beleriand, and Maedhros realises they are not in fact sending the ships back for the others; maybe Fingon writing something from the ice during the same time. Or maybe an exchange between them later on? I’m more into angst than fluff for them, but I am more than happy with them genuinely loving each other and saying so despite all else that is happening.

Babylon 5:

Delenn & Susan Ivanova - love them both, love angst and tragedy, love anything that dives into Delenn’s somewhat turbulent past and how she feels about that (or how she feels about anyone else learning about that). They must have so much to talk about after Sheridan’s death. Or maybe it’s a letter sent in s5, after Ivanova leaves? Or maybe earlier on - what if Ivanova had found out some of what Sinclair was looking into (what does ‘Satai’ mean, etc) - what would Delenn do or say?

Marcus Cole/Susan Ivanova - while a big fan of the tragedy here, I am also 100% up for a canon-divergence happily ever after in their case, whichever you’d prefer!

For All Mankind:

Margo Madison/Sergei Nikulov - I’d love something early on when they’re not admitting their feelings but still trying to find out whether the other one stands. Or perhaps later on in the lead to the end of Season 3. (I haven’t yet seen all of Season 4, so if you could keep canon events as s3-and-earlier timeframe that would be lovely!)

Ghosts:

Margot Fawcett/Julian Fawcett - would love any take on Julian writing to her after his death, especially if it mentions the political career of their daughter (good for you, Rachel!)

Star Trek: DS9:

Elim Garak & Odo: Anything, at any point, Terok Nor era or DS9 era. I just love their canon interactions.

Jadzia Dax & Kira Nerys: I love Dax’s interest in matchmaking and getting a bit too involved in other people’s relationships, and I’d love to hear more about what she thinks of Kira’s.

Baldur’s Gate:

Dammon & Karlach, Dammon/Karlach: I’d love her to write back to him after the version of the epilogue in which he writes to her. I’d also love to read anything before that - maybe he’s writing to her to find out more about her engine works while still trying to fix it, and gets to know and like her better as they exchange letters that way?

Gale & Tara: Assuming Tara has some way to send a message (maybe that’s why she ended up catching the carrier pigeons), what would she write to Gale when they were apart? What does she think about Mystra, or about Gale’s plans? 

Original works:

Here I’d be happy to receive whatever strikes you as interesting and fun to write! I love anything that includes people having different angles on the past; rivals having more in common than they like to admit; people dealing with guilt; people dealing with the weight of their own history or the expectations of their role/culture/world; or all forms of bickering.

Likes, DNWs, and ‘everyone DNWs this but I love it’s:

General likes: Angst, complicated feelings, stories that dive into a character and what motivates them, questions of loyalty and of how the past affects the present. Happy with any degree of smut from ‘none at all’ to ‘E-rated’. Other things I like in fics: parenthood/kidfic (prefer if it’s about the emotional feels of the adult characters rather than cute kid things); canonverse AUs of the ‘what if this thing happened differently?’ variety; worldbuilding in fantasy/sci-fi fandoms; and established relationships being complicated. 

DNWs: Non-canonverse AUs (canon divergence is fine); bashing of characters or ships (individual characters can like who they like but I’d prefer the narrative wasn’t weighing in behind them); traumatic birth or pregnancy loss; noncon as a major plot element (dubcon is fine); heavy dom/sub dynamics with a male dom and female sub; underage; watersports and scat.

Things that are often DNWed that I like and you are welcome to write for me: Infidelity, preferably in the sense of overlapping pairings and feelings for multiple people (not if it’s infidelity to get one ship out of the way); first- and second-person POV; ambiguous endings; pregnancy; sibling incest.

[notebookmusical]

Omg please tell me that last ask sent! I just wrote you a long reply and response but idk if it came up as the ask being sent..oh no. Well that one was about Barbie and musicals and I planned to send you another one now about books. I think it's been about two weeks since I've been reading so I am still in the beginning of the same books. I did enjoy what I've read of Happy Place so far..which I think was up to chapter 6 but it was just starting if you know what I mean..and I just haven't had time to pick it back up...same with Meet Me at the Lake. Her new book somehow seems like a combination of all of her other books. With the vacation setting, and being roommates is kinda like Beach Read..then the opposites thing is Book Lovers. Then like Happy Place with the fake dating..so it'll be interesting to see how she combines these. I'm worried it will come off as too similar though and the actual plot wasn't my favorite or just seems similar to other books as well. But I'm sure it'll be great! I also started reading Business or Pleasure around the same time and I'm enjoying that too. It was also just starting too though..and didn't get to the main plot yet. Did you like it? Cuz I also found another book weirdly with the same plot apparently..called Sex Ed haha and it was just obvious to me I was enjoying Business or Pleasure more. So that's kinda the good thing about reading similar books at the same time. Anyway it's up to you with mistakes were made! I've never read with anyone before though but I could probably do like a few chapters at a time once a week..and if we read it together, it's more likely I'll finish it. It seems like you can read faster than me though but even knowing you're reading it at the same time might inspire me to actually finish so we could at least talk about it.

that's okay! i'm glad you're taking a break and reading when you feel like it! and that's such an interesting way to put it (re: emily henry's new book) — i'm really, really excited about it but also a little nervous! happy place is my least favorite out of the emily henry's, but i still liked it a lot — i think anything after book lovers would've been a hard one for me, just because i resonated and loved book lovers so much. (i can't remember if i've shared my emily henry ranking yet, but it's: book lovers / beach read / pwmov / happy place). while on the plane to chicago, someone sitting behind me was reading every summer after, and i turned around and told them that i liked meet me at the lake more and that i hope they enjoyed every summer after and told them to check out meet me at the lake haha! curious to hear your thoughts about all the books as you keep reading! business or pleasure was okay! i think i actually prefer rachel lynn solomon's YA romcoms over her adult ones. i really, really liked the ex talk, but didn't love weather girl (to be fair, weather girl was comped to one of my favorite movies of all time, and i just personally struggled a bit with the concept of like "shitty boss is reformed") and so i went into business or pleasure with some lower expectations! eeeeee — we can do a few chapters at a time once a week, that's fine! i can match your pace; just let me know what works for you and when and we can discuss and do a little book club here!! i'm excited! i'm hoping to bake a cake for my neighbor tonight, and then either reread the dream thieves (i started my raven cycle reread this month to remind myself why i love reading, because it was getting to a point where a lot of my reads were kind of just ... mediocre, or they were ARCs/gifted reads that i felt like i needed to read, so i just needed a fun little read) or pick up an arc or something! hope you're having a good wednesday xx

[zepskies]

LOL yeah I figured that gif would be a bit of a fake out, but still applicable. 🤣🤣

But I'm so glad you could hear Ames' voice in your head when you were reading that line!! I did my best to get his cadence right as well.

Also, poor Alec, finding out the news she was planning to tell him this way. I love how you have Alec, Max, Logan, and Joshua working together to find her.

Ugh I know, so heartbreaking, right? 😭😭 I'm glad though that you liked how the crew got brought in to save her!

Logan eventually calls Alec to tell him about a lab within a mile of the scheduled rendezvous point.

Good old Logan, he always comes through for them!

I liked being able to get Logan in the story here and there! He really comes through in a pinch loll.

Great, comes Alec’s sardonic thought. Hopefully the ghosts of whoever was tortured here won’t cause them any problems.

Ah, a little supernatural Easter egg... I love it!

Hahaa thank you for picking up my breadcrumbs!! I hoped someone would catch that. 😂

Alec is especially brutal and efficient with the federal security guards. Max watches him out of the corner of her eye, but she doesn’t yet warn him to pull his punches. The stakes are high, and she understands his anger and stress.

Just as I imagine, he would be in a situation like this, like the glimpses of this we got in The Berrisford Agenda. It's also very Max-like to be watching ready to step in and pull him back if she needed to.

Yes that's exactly what I was going for! I thought he would act much in the same way as he did in the Berrisford house while looking for Rachel, but perhaps even more so here, considering the stakes. And I thought that would be on brand for Max too, supportive but watching him closely.

I'm so pleased Joshua went with them because I know he would want to help Alec, and he would be especially motivated to do so if he knew Ames White was threatening 'Alecs mate'.

Absolutely on both fronts!! That's exactly why I wanted to include Joshua in this part. 🥺

“You go. Find her. Leave him with me,” Joshua says. His blue eyes are sharp with predatory anger at the man who killed Annie Fisher.

White is in serious trouble here. Joshua’s about to get his revenge for Annie! Part of me really wanted him to get it in the big showdown in 'Freak Nation' although I completely understood why Max stopped him. I felt so bad for Joshua after White did that to Annie, so it seems fitting that Joshua got to take him out, and Max protected him (and the other transgenics) by hiding the fact.

He really is!! Oh my God I feel the same way about the S2 finale. I think it made sense for the story to keep Ames alive in that scene, like you said, but I think it was also because they were holding out hope for a season 3. 🙃 (I gotta find those books that apparently continue from where the show left off.)

“Alec,” is all you manage to say. You still have some trouble moving your heavy body, but you grab a fistful of his shirt and wince as you pull yourself up, just enough to bury your face into his chest. Your body shakes with the force of your sobs. 

Clinging to him... perfect! All the looks the others all share as well really helped create the atmosphere... felt like I could have been watching a scene from the show.

Aww thank you for shouting that out! Even though Alec and the reader are the focal point in the scene, I think during the scene it's important to shade in what's happening around them, like how you would watch it on a screen. It helps me visualize it as a writer, and hopefully you as a reader. 💜

Her reaction to the news that her boyfriend and friend are really transgenics was a relief, I was a little worried earlier on how she would take that news. It felt realistic, though, and because she knew them, even though it was a bit of a shock, she was ok with it. And she met Joshua!! I love Joshua ❤️

I love him too!! He's such a great character. And I think it's understandable for her to be shocked lol (especially with Joshua), but she cares about Alec -- and Max -- too much to let it deter her (and maybe deep down, she already knew he was different somehow).

Also, I'm so glad Joshua sounded and felt authentic! I tried my best to get his voice right as well. I rewatched a few episodes to try and figure out how to write his voice. He can be very simplistic at times, but also poignant in others.

I also really enjoyed how their thoughts...

Whatever you are, you're mine.

You’re mine, instinct tells him. And this time, he just can’t fight it. 

Mirror each other (and Alec has had this realisation).

This is one of the many reasons why I enjoy hearing from you! Thank you for shouting this out, as it was intentional. 💓💓

You gasp, laughing, and you shove against his chest. You twist away from the cage of his arms, but he laughs and doesn’t let you so easily escape. You realize then how truly strong he is when he rolls you under him on the bed. 

Oh yes, there is some serious strength there, and also, what a position to be manhandled into 😉

Lmaooo ikr?? Oh what I would give...

Their talk 😍😍

“But I’m not letting you do this alone. I… I love you,” he admits. “Sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”

I just love this ❤️

Thank you, friend!! I really loved writing that end scene. I'm a sucker for a nice fluffy ending, and it felt like some nice closure for his character as well -- being able to be honest and vulnerable with someone he loves.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this series. Thank you, friend, for this fantastic Alec story 😘

I'm so very glad to hear that!! It's been a pleasure to write this little series. I was hooked by the character and this world pretty much immediately, so it was very fun to explore him in Being Human. 😘💞💞

Being Human - Part 4 (Finale)

Pairing: Alec McDowell x F. Reader

Summary: Your life made sense before Alec slipped his way in. He unravels your threads without even trying. He frustrates you as easily as he weasels back into your good graces. But you soon realize that this man is worth the challenge.

AN: (I decided to release this a bit early.) Here we are, friends! The final chapter...

Chapter Summary: Ames White captures you, forcing Alec to his knees.

Word Count: 4,300

Tags/Warnings: Peril and violence, angst, major hurt/comfort, but also major fluff...

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Part 4: Reckoning

Terminal City is a region on the edge of the city. The chemical and biohazardous waste that was dumped there after the Pulse makes ordinary humans sick, but for the immune transgenics, it’s the perfect spot to carve out a sanctuary.

Alec has been visiting the sector frequently, working with Max, Joshua, and other Manticore escapees to build up its infrastructure. Joshua lives here full-time now, as it’s safer for the half-canine transgenic and others like him, who don’t “look” human.

Today, Alec’s working with Mole and Joshua on ammunitions. Regardless of what any of them look like, they are all soldiers, in one way or another built and trained for warfare.

As much as Alec doesn’t want to see it, the tensions between “ordinaries” and transgenics are mounting, especially in Seattle. 

He checks his watch and realizes that he’s late to meet you. 

“Shit. I gotta go,” he says.

“Where’re you going?” Max asks. She has a perceptive eye, but Alec doesn’t reveal anything.  He revs up his motorcycle and dons his helmet.

“Just going to meet someone,” he says, purposely vague. He doesn’t want another lecture from her. 

The truth is, he’s dreading this. He knows when he sees you, it’ll be damn near impossible to maintain his distance. He should’ve just met you at your apartment, but surrounded by your things, your familiar scent etched into every fiber of your place…it would buckle his resolve. 

So he heads back on his motorcycle all the way home. 

Something’s off.

He instinctively knows after he climbs up the stairs to his apartment. He tests the door, and it opens without him having to unlock it.

You would know better than to leave the door open.

He pushes inside the apartment, and he’s greeted to a scene that drops his heart into his stomach. 

His apartment is empty, but a table near the kitchen is knocked over. Glass liters the ground where it’s overturned, and on further inspection, he finds drying bloodstains on the glass and on the floor.

His heart beats faster as he takes in everything with wide eyes. He doesn’t smell gunpowder, or find anything else that would tell him what happened here. 

He does find your purse, tossed by the couch in the living room. 

Alec whips out his phone and calls your cell.

“Hello, 494.” A man’s voice—one that Alec would know anywhere. It prickles his skin with unease and makes his blood boil all at once.

“Ames White.” Alec’s teeth grind. “What game are you playing now?”

“This isn’t a game. It’s business,” White claims. “I have something you want. How much are you willing to pay to make sure she stays alive?”

Alec forces himself to calm down, even though his pulse is racing.

“What do you want?”

“You. And 452. With no bullshit on your end,” the agent replies. “Or this girl is going to pay that price for you.”

Alec’s breath becomes unsteady. “And if I comply, you’ll let her go. I’m supposed to believe that?”

“Oh, I won’t lie to you. She’s on her way to the lab as we speak. You see, they’re gonna want to analyze that abomination she’s carrying,” White says. 

That steals the breath from Alec’s lungs.

His eyes grow wide as he puts together what the man is saying. 

“But if you do comply,” he says, “I’ll make sure they let her deliver to term, at least.”

Alec’s throat tightens. Oh, God… 

“You let her go, you son of a bitch!” he grinds out. His white-knuckle grip pops a few springs in the couch. He releases it and covers his face, pressing hard between his eyes. “She’s not part of this!” 

“It seems she is, 494. I’ll send you the time and the place. Be there with 452.”

The line clicks. Alec’s breathing is harsh. He grips his phone so hard it nearly shatters, but he tosses it onto the couch and pushes his palms against the burn in his eyes. His jaw locks with the strain of clenched teeth. No, no, no, NO! 

His phone chimes with a voicemail message. Alec grabs the phone and listens. It details coordinates and a meeting time: tonight, at midnight.

Alec makes another call with what remains of his phone.

“Max,” he says shakily. “I need your help.”  

Alec barely resists pacing throughout Logan’s apartment while the latter types away, researching the coordinates Ames White provided for the meeting point. Their forced surrender. 

Max perches on the corner of the couch with her arms crossed. She’s concerned for you as well, but she gazes at him with sympathy.

“We’ll find her, Alec,” she says. 

Alec shakes his head.

“He could have her anywhere,” he gestures widely. “He could’ve already handed her off to whatever shady government agency he works for. Or with that damn cult, that in case you’ve forgotten, hates us. Like everyone else in this city.”

“Not everyone,” Max reminds him pointedly. 

“Yeah, and look where we are now,” Alec retorts. “I told you this would happen!”

“Do you want to be right, or do you want to save her?” Max shoots back. “Now think. We’ve found bases of White’s operations before. Both for the agency, and the breeding cult.”

“I’m cross-referencing old locations,” Logan says. He’s been typing away at his computer for several minutes. “I can ask Asha and her people to join the search. And I can do an Eyes Only broadcast, encourage people to keep an eye out.” 

Alec nods, but any outcomes of those plans will take time. Time you might not have. 

They’ve been following anonymous tips for hours. Joshua and a few X5s and X6s joined the search for Ames White, and more importantly, for you. 

Alec and Max have been working together without stopping even for a breath throughout the night. They only have one hour before they’re meant to be at the agreed meeting point: an abandoned building near the edge of the city. No doubt for their easy extraction. 

Logan eventually calls Alec to tell him about a lab within a mile of the scheduled rendezvous point. There have been reports of late-night transports—locals calling in about strange noises, and in one case, what someone thought was a muffled gunshot.

Alec and Max agree to check it out, but they’re going to cut it close with the meeting time.

“Josh. Where are you, buddy?” Alec asks after calling his friend’s cell.

“I’m here.”

“Where’s here?”

“Here,” Joshua replies. He’s turned the corner and found his friends on the crossing of Avalon St. and Broadway, via his elite sense of smell.

“Good,” Alec smiles in relief. He pats his taller friend’s arm. “You’ve been a big help so far, but I need you for this. Wanna be part of the rescue party?”

“Yes,” Joshua nods, but his tone suggests he’s offended that Alec has to ask. “Help save your mate.”

Alec’s smile weakens. He doubts you’ll ever want to be that with him, ever again. But he’ll be damned if the government, or some damn breeding cult, is going to lay a hand on you.

Logan agrees to meet them there in his van for backup, while Josh hitches a ride on the back of Alec’s motorcycle. The three of them haul ass to the location of the suspected lab.

They approach a large, three-story dilapidated building. According to Logan, it used to be a mental health asylum. When the government bought it out, the facility was turned into a private lab.

Great, comes Alec’s sardonic thought. Hopefully the ghosts of whoever was tortured here won’t cause them any problems.

He and Max communicate silently through the militaristic hand motions they learned in their training to scope the place’s security, its entry points, and the best way for them to infiltrate the building. Although Manticore made Joshua, he hasn’t gone through the same training as most transgenics have.

He’s fortunate for it, but it means that Max has to direct him more carefully. He covers her and Alec as they approach the back entrance, which seems to be where they most often transport both cargo and people. Right now, there’s a large van waiting on standby.

Alec rips out the driver first, while Max and Joshua take on the other guards who start shooting. Alec comes around the back of the van, and when the first guard opens the back door, Alec tears the gun out of his hands and yanks him out. Alec uses the man’s body like a Kevlar vest as his two companies unload a clip or two. He punches them both out hard enough to hear the crack of bone.

The van inside is empty, but he sees a cot and several machines already ready and waiting to transport someone. He grits his teeth and slams the door shut on his way out.  

“She’s not in there,” he tells Max. “If she’s here, she’s gotta be inside.”

Max and Joshua have taken out the outside guards, no problem, but he’s sure there’ll be more where that came from.

The three of them enter the building and race through the long hallways, slipping by lab technicians, doctors, and other staff. Anyone who attempts to stop them soon regrets it.

Alec is especially brutal and efficient with the federal security guards. Max watches him out of the corner of her eye, but she doesn’t yet warn him to pull his punches. The stakes are high, and she understands his anger and stress.

“There’s a file room,” Alec points to a door that’s labeled: RECORDS.

“I doubt they’ll have a file on her yet, especially if White’s trying to keep this under wraps,” Max says.

Joshua looks around and points across the hall. “Cameras?”

The other two look in the direction he’s pointing to, and they see what he sees—a room labeled: SECURITY.

Alec slaps a companionable hand on Joshua’s back, and they head for the security room. The guards are dealt with swiftly, being knocked out and piled against the back wall. While Joshua keeps a lookout, Max and Alec scan the many different camera feeds: focused on various hallways and lab subjects.

Alec scans each of them rapidly. He’s always been good with TV.

He finds you on one of the camera feeds and he points to it. “There she is! Room 204.”

You’re in a small, cell-like room, sleeping on what almost looks like a hospital bed. Except there’s a breathing mask held over your face, probably keeping you unconscious, and you’re attached to several monitors. It makes his heart sink and his spine tighten with rage, simultaneously.

“Let’s go,” Max says, but it’s not necessary. Alec is already halfway out the door.

They’re stopped at a four-way crossroads in the hall. In the center is Ames White.

“You’re smart, I’ll give you that,” he grants with an incline of his head. He takes a radio clipped to his belt and clicks it on, speaking into it. “Transport the girl. Make sure she’s sedated.”

Alec seethes. Before he can sprint headlong into a fight, Joshua stops him. Alec looks up at him in askance.

“You go. Find her. Leave him with me,” Joshua says. His blue eyes are sharp with predatory anger at the man who killed Annie Fisher.

Alec softens a fraction and nods in understanding. He shoots Max a look.

“Go, I’ll catch up with you,” she says.

Alec nods and races on ahead. He dodges bullets with the help of superior speed and crashes into each guard, taking them out with brutal force. He steals a gun off of one of them, and that saves him a lot of time and energy. He tries not to kill anyone, but he can’t think about holding back. He just needs to get to you.

He reaches the second floor, and finally to Room 204.

Two men are already in the room. He doesn’t want to open fire—the room is too small, the risk of ricochet too high. He grabs a knife from his belt and hurls it at the first man, who was poised to inject something into your arm. The second guard turns with his gun, but Alec is already moving too fast for human eyes to follow.

He breaks the man’s arm, followed by a swift uppercut. He takes the gun and hurls the man into the far wall, knocking him clean out as he slumps to the floor.

Alec breathes hard in the aftermath, but he begins to soften after his attention turns to you. He sets down the gun and takes in the sight of you, still dressed in jeans and a blood-stained shirt.

You’re heavily sedated and restrained by your wrists and ankles. You have a bandage wrapped around your forearm, along with brain and heart monitors attached to your forehead and chest, and an IV drip in your other arm. 

Alec takes a breath, and he starts with the wires, removing the small suction cups from your body and disconnecting all the monitors. He takes off the mask and unclips the leather restraints. 

The fury builds back up inside him at what they’ve already done to you. He doesn’t want to think any more on what they’d planned to do.

You must’ve been terrified, he thinks. He touches your cheek tenderly. His free hand hesitates, before it rests gently on your belly. He calls your name. 

You don’t stir just yet. Your body is still under the effects of the sedation. So he carefully lifts you into his arms. He hears Max approach, and she’s there in the doorway by the time he turns around. 

“Let’s go,” Alec says. His face is hard and angry while he carries you out. 

They regroup with Joshua in the lobby, though even Alec stops short when he sees the carnage. Ames White’s body lays on the floor with unseeing eyes. His throat is torn out. 

Joshua has blood in his teeth. He wipes at his face with the back of his arm, his eyes veering away from Max and Alec. Max blinks through her shock and tries to keep her mouth from falling open.

“Time to go,” Joshua says. His voice is heavy, but matter of fact.

“We’ll need to take his body, get rid of it later,” Max says, when she recovers. “We can’t let the police find him.”

They’ll blame us, is understood by them all. The police won’t have the full story, but it won’t matter. Appearances are everything. 

Max finds a black body bag in a nearby storage closet and Joshua collects White, later hefting the full body bag over his shoulder.

They make their escape out the back of the building, where Logan is waiting with his van. Joshua deposits the body in the back, where he also climbs in. Max takes the front passenger seat while Alec carries you into the middle seat bed. 

Nothing else feels right but to hold you in his arms. To stroke your cheek and wait, both desperate for, and yet dreading the moment you’ll open your eyes. 

Because when you do, there’s a good chance that he’ll find your fear. Or worse. 

“She’s going to be okay,” Max says to him, quietly. She’s twisted towards him in her seat.

“Maybe physically,” Alec counters. “I don’t know, Max. How did being held up in a lab affect your mental health?” 

Her lips purse. “One step at a time, okay?”

Alec shakes his head and looks down at you. He tries to commit your peaceful face to memory, because he doubts that he’ll ever see it again after tonight. 

Slowly, you start to wake.

At first, all you see is shadows and shapes of someone looming over you. Unconsciously you whimper and push at whatever holds you down, but the hold is gentle, the voice soothing. 

“Shh, it’s okay. Sweetheart, it’s me,” he says. 

Your eyes clear and focus as you blink…though they soon flood with tears. Relief takes over your fear. You see his concerned, handsome face, and your lower lip trembles. 

“Alec,” is all you manage to say. You still have some trouble moving your heavy body, but you grab a fistful of his shirt and wince as you pull yourself up, just enough to bury your face into his chest. Your body shakes with the force of your sobs. 

Alec gathers you up against him and shushes you gently, even as his heart clenches. He soothes a hand over your hair and your back. 

“I’ve gotcha. It’s okay, you’re safe,” he says in your ear. He meets Max’s concerned gaze, then Joshua’s in the shrouded end of the car. Even Logan glances back through the rearview mirror as he drives. 

Alec tries to block them out and focus on you. He holds you and comforts you for as long as you let him.

Eventually, you pull away to look at his face. You still have tears in your eyes, but now, it’s with a hue of uncertainty. 

“The man…the agent who took me. He was looking for you,” you say. Your voice is weak and a bit coarse. You try to clear it.

Alec wishes he had some water for you.

“He’s gone. You don’t have to worry about him,” he says. 

You let out a shaky breath, but you meet his gaze. “He said that you’re not…Alec, are you…”

He sighs; he understands the question you’re trying to ask. 

“Yeah. Those freaks you hear people talking about on the news?” he says. “I’m one of ‘em.”

Your eyes widen as your breathing becomes more labored.

“I was made in a lab,” Alec confesses. “At Manticore, bred and trained to be a soldier.”

A transgenic.

Your hand falls away from his chest, and you take that in with an unblinking stare. He can see you trying to process all this.

You glance over at Max, who had been facing the front to give you and Alec the semblance of privacy. Feeling your gaze on her, she turns around and gives you a half-hearted smile. 

“Hey, girl,” she greets. “Glad you’re okay.”

“You’re like him too?” you ask. Max nods.

Suddenly, everything makes so much sense. Why she and Alec have always seemed to share history and bickered like siblings. Why Max was friendly, but never truly your family. Why Alec had been so much of a mystery to you. Why he’d broken your heart. 

“Joshua too,” says a deep voice from the back. 

You turn your head and gasp as your eyes fly open wide again. Alec gives his friend a look over your head, but he tries to reassure you with a warm hand on your lower back. He hopes you can’t see the dried blood on Joshua’s snout. 

Joshua breaks into a sheepish smile. 

“Sorry,” he says, gesturing to his wolf-like face. “Bit of dog in my cocktail.”

You shake your head slowly. Your mouth opens and closes, but you try your best to get through your shock (and a lance of fear). Your head tilts as you consider his kind, very human blue eyes.

“You, um, your name is Joshua?” you say at last.

“Yes, Joshua,” he nods. “Rescue party.”

You blink at that. “You…helped get me out of there?”

He nods again, with a smile that flashes a few canine pointed teeth. You rest a hand over your wildly beating heart. 

“Thank…you,” you manage. 

Joshua bobs his head. “No problem. Saved Alec’s mate.”

If possible, your eyes widen further at that one. You turn back to Alec with raised brows. He offers a wan smile and a nervous chuckle. You notice, however, that he hasn’t let go of you. You’re also still sitting across his lap. 

“This is what you were hiding from me,” you say, perhaps stating the obvious. Your heart clenches with pain. “Why you…”

He brushes his hand along your arm. 

“I was trying to protect you,” Alec says. His brows furrow as his green-eyed gaze veers away from your face, with shame. “But I failed, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. None of this was supposed to happen—”

Some instinct has you reaching out to sooth your hand along his cheek, stopping his lips with your thumb. You stare up into his eyes, and they’re no longer guarded or distant. They’re the eyes you remember. 

Whatever you are, you’re mine.

You lean up and press your lips to his.

After a beat, Alec’s eyes close, and he answers you in kind. His fingers sink into your knotted hair. You grip his shirt by the collar, and he wraps his arm securely around you. 

With each new kiss, you feel more relieved. You don’t realize you’re trembling until he clasps your shaking hand against his cheek, to steady you. 

Alec gives you one more searing kiss before he pulls you into his arms. It’s a hug you both need.

His eyes shut tight as he buries his face in your neck, inhaling your scent. His lips find the mark he’d left weeks ago on your skin. It’s faint by now, but it’s still there. He takes deep breaths to calm himself, and you rub his back through it. 

He realizes you’re comforting him now; a fact that makes him smile.

You’re mine, instinct tells him. And this time, he just can’t fight it. 

Logan houses you and Alec for the night (or the morning, since dawn breaks by the time you all get back). 

You’re exhausted, but you still force yourself to shower. You’ll have to remind yourself to thank Logan for the spare clothing, though you don’t bother with the sweatpants just opt for the large shirt as you roll into bed. 

Alec isn’t far behind after he takes a quick shower. You force yourself to stay awake, waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. His skin glistens when he eventually leaves the bathroom, and you watch him cross the bedroom with just a towel low on his hips. He shoots you a smile before he starts getting dressed.

“Logan says he’s help us find a new place to live,” he says. 

You slowly smile at that. “Us?”

“Well, you know, both of our apartments are compromised.”

“Yeah, I get that,” you reply. When he slides into bed next to you, you swim through the covers and inch closer to him. “I’m just glad it’s a together thing.”

Alec gives you an amused look, but there’s warmth in his eyes. He thumbs at your lower lip. Soon, his smile begins to fall.

“I didn’t want to get you caught up in this. In my crazy fucked up life,” he says. 

“I know,” you sigh. “But I’m in it now. I’m in this with you. You realize that, right?”

He nods, though he doesn’t think he deserves it. Or you, for that matter. 

He slips his arm around you, just the same. You rest your head against his shoulder and tap his chin. 

“Alec, I don’t care what you are,” you say. “Transgenic or not, you’re the man I’ve always known.”

He lets out a subtle breath at that, chuckling. 

“For better or worse, right?” he asks.

You smile. “I have something to tell you…though I’m pretty sure you already know.”

Despite a tremor of nerves, a slow grin spreads across his face. 

“Tell me anyway,” he says. “I love surprises where I know the answer.”

You giggle. “You sure about that?”

“Yes,” he nods with a smirk. “Just tell me, woman.”

Your hand drifts down to rest against his chest, and you tilt up your face so you can meet his dancing eyes. The fact that he seems genuine gives you enough courage to just…say it.

“Alec, I’m pregnant,” you tell him.

His smile grows.

“…Really?” he teases. “You sure it’s mine?”

You gasp, laughing, and you shove against his chest. You twist away from the cage of his arms, but he laughs and doesn’t let you so easily escape. You realize then how truly strong he is when he rolls you under him on the bed. 

He dips down and claims you with a kiss. He shakes his head, because he never thought this would be his life. His hand sneaks under the sheets to rest over your lower belly, through the shirt. In turn, you cover his hand. You bite your lip with slight anxiety.  

“You’re really okay with this?” you ask. “Even after everything we…this is a lot for us. Really soon.”

Alec gradually sobers, and he acknowledges that with a nod.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Honestly, I didn’t see this coming.”

You have to laugh a little at that. His lips tug at the corners, but as he squeezes your hand back, he stares directly into your eyes.  

“But I’m not letting you do this alone. I… I love you,” he admits. “Sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”

Tears burn in your eyes, but only one finds its way down your cheek. You take in a tremulous breath and nod. 

“I love you too,” you reply. Though you can’t hide a different uncertainty when you look at him. “But if you leave me again…Alec, I can’t.”

He looks more vehement than you’ve ever seen him when he shakes his head, meeting your gaze. 

“That’s not happening. I promise,” he says. “You’re stuck with me, baby. So much that you might just get sick of me.”

You utter a laugh through your tears, and you nod in acceptance. Alec smiles and wipes your cheek dry before he gathers you tighter into his arms, and presses a kiss to your forehead. 

You relax against his chest with a sigh. His heartbeat thrums steadily under your cheek.

And you finally rest.

AN: And there we have it. 🥹 I truly hope you enjoyed Being Human.

I might come back to add bonus one-shots to this, if you guys are interested in seeing more of their story. 💜 But I hope you'll let me know what you think about how it all shook out here!

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Alec M. Tag List:

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@globetrotter28 @charmed-asylum @waywardxwords @deanwinchestersgirl87 @this-is-me19 @rachiem4-blog @sweettimelady @leigh70 @clinicallydepresso @emily-winchester @xiphoidbones @skoveu @nyotamalfoy @kmc1989

@waters-2567 @iwishiwas-sleeping @jessjad @pieandmonsters @akshi8278 @honeybabycherry @deans-spinster-witch @angelbabyyy99 @jackles010378 @nancymcl @idiotdyslexic @heartlessdelusions @longlostx11

[kagejima]

Please, every Waka Wednesday you have me giggling, squealing, kicking my feet and like >:(

BRO I'M TRYING TO GET MY BOYFRIEND TO BELIEVE IM A DOM YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME

Okay okay but I'm currently in an apprenticeship for a body peircer and... Peircer Toshi as mentor. He wasn't really looking to mentor anyone until he saw how cute and sweet the newbie was. Everyone else at the studio wasn't interested or already had an apprentice and as soon as he saw your face fall he hopped on that real quick.

Of course you immediately were terrified of this 6' 2 mass of pure muscle but the way he stumbled through his greeting had heat pooling in your gut. You thanked him constantly for agreeing to help you out.

Another thing that some places require for a mentorship is that they to have at least a piercing or two. It doesn't matter if it's ears or anything but let's say that reader got them as a baby. Since they don't remember the pain, they want a new addition. Obviously, nipple piercings. Reader gets Toshi to do it and he can't help but feel his cock stir when he first sees you topless. Well, not topless but rather shirtless, your top was the one piercing you after all. (Hshjfjdkb why was this so funny to me)

Anyway, you finish your apprenticeship and get a job at the same place. One of the first clients wants a dick piercing and you're like "Wow, okay, sure." Since you've never done or seen it before you ask if the guy if you can have your mentor there to make sure you don't fuck up. They guy would rather you not botch it so he agrees obviously.

So Ushijima comes in and sees red when they guy bites his lip to suppress a moan when he sees your pretty little hand steadying his dick. When you're finished the guy thanks you, pays and leaves his number for you.

Ushijima is pissed. This rando thinks he has a shot with you? He must be joking. As the guy leaves you turn around and you can feel the hatred rolling off of Toshi. You ask him if he's alright and he tries his best to keep calm but he growls out "Just peachy."

A few more days go by an eventually he's like "fuck it" and asks you to dinner to congratulate working there for a week. The dinner goes great and an hour later, you find yourself fucked dumb against the wall but Toshi shows no signs of stopping even though you've already been pushed over the edge 3 times.

UGH, just possessive piercer Toshi brainrot.

(I'm gonna sign off with 🍠)

YOUR SECOND SENTENCE MADE ME CHOKE ON MY OREOS WHEN I READ IT 💀💀💀 my apologies hehehhehehe 😁

OKAY BUT LISTEN

the scene from 1:03 to 1:30 IS ALL I CAN THINK OF WHEN ANONS SHOW UP WITH SPICY THINGS LIKE THIS FJSJJFJD

i swear to god, phoebe is yall coming into my inbox and telling me the scenario thats SO FUCKING GOOD and im rachel and im just like "whO IS THIS?? 😫😫"

anyways omg i love talking about piercer!toshi, ill talk about piercer!toshi until i die, i love that everybody has been so on board with him being a piercer since i wrote that fic hehehehe

also PUHLEEEEAASE become a regular in my ask box, omg, i wanna be your friend based on this entire thing alone 🤸🏻‍♀️🤸🏻‍♀️

just a reminder for everyone, this is NOT linked to "breathe in, breathe out"! only similarity is toshi is a piercer!

more thoughts under the cut (female reader, a smidge of dacryphilia, jealous toshi, kinda rough sex?, hair pulling)

It's your job.

It's not like he caught you fucking the guy on the table.

At least that's what Wakatoshi is trying to tell himself right now while he's absolutely wrecking your shit.

He can't help it though. All he can still see is you holding some other guy's dick in your hand.

He knows he probably should feel bad right now, because you're hiccuping and sobbing and begging him to give you a minute because your legs can't stop trembling as they're locked up and near his chest because he's held you there for so long.

He knows he probably should let you down and let you rest.

You look so fucking cute though all whiney and sobby like this.

He isn't a monster though.

So he lets you down.

And you think you're in the clear - maybe you can finally rest on his bed, maybe you can ride him a little bit, let him relax--

But no, he's far from done.

You yelp when he spins you around, bending you over so fast that your hands fly out to catch yourself so you don't fall right into the wall.

Wakatoshi groans low as he pushes his thick cock back deep inside you, and he shuts his eyes as your walls clamp down around him.

You stay still like that, wondering what he's going to do next.

You shiver when his hand reaches up and grabs a fistful of your hair, pulling on it hard to get you to lift your head to look up at him.

And he sees it in your eyes.

Sees how you like it rough like this.

He doesn't see that guy anymore.

[peculiarlylost]

Amberprice Fanfic Compilation

To whom it may concern,

I've been felling quite shitty lately and nostalgia is the only thing keeping me breathing, therefore I'll be providing you the best Amberprice fanfic recommendation you didn't ask for.

Previous warnings before you proceed: a. Amberpricefield it's not my cup of tea, so you won't find any here; b. This was made completely based on my own literaly taste (don't come for me if you hated it all); c. I've been struggling with keeping my focus for long periods of time, that's why you won't find a lot of multichapter works here. I'm really sorry, but a long history requires a lot of brain cells and I've burned them all lately; d. Huge thanks for all the amazing authors who wrote this pieces, you've been doing Gods work; e. Fell free to recommend all types of Amberprice fanfic that I missed out. I've made this thinking that someone could be felling as shitty as I'm felling right now and could use some escape from reality to help cope with everything else.

START OF THE LIST

1. Buried Childish Qualities by Scorpion_Queen (https://archiveofourown.org/works/27196012/chapters/66428533) Amberprice + Summer Camp = pure nostalgia. This fanfic fells like those endless summer nights where you would stay up until dawn doing absolutely nothing simply cause you could. It reminds me a little bit of "Looking for Alaska" by John Green which only added for the nostalgia felling.

2. Castles in the Air by Scorpion_Queen (https://archiveofourown.org/works/19161673/chapters/45544687) When I started my marathon of reading Amberprice Fanfic until my eyes stopped working, something that really pissed me of was the over-the-top romanticization of Chloe and Rachel. For me, the beauty in their characters was the visible flaws, that's what made them "touchable". No one is completely good or bad (except Mark Jefferson, fuck him), and this author understood beautifully this assignment. Definelly a must read if you like the nuances of their relationship. Chloe and Rachel are actually Chloe and Rachel in this one.

3. Slumber Party Rules by Scorpion_Queen (https://archiveofourown.org/works/28055220) At this point you must think that I'm in love with Scorpion_Queen. Well, you're completely correct! It's been a while since I loved so much an authors work that I wasted long hours reading all their pieces. I couldn't thank Scorpion enough for that. Basically, this one shot involves a game of truth or dare from Max pov. It was very interesting seeing how other characters interpret the relationship between Chloe and Rachel.

4. Coward by Mogatrat (https://archiveofourown.org/works/11067531) Smut + Angst = pain. I'm a huge simp for authors that shows the ambiguous relationship between them. It's a very quick read, ideal for poop time (that's me trying to be funny).

5. Every Move Just for Herself by Mogatrat (https://archiveofourown.org/works/15923051) Mogatrat do a FINE job when the business is Smutt + Angst. Also, the internalized homophobia is *chief kiss*. This is a very quick read, so you know...

6. Pink Bubblegum by Danganphobia (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13155687) This one just fells like home. It's the type of reading that just fells right, you know? It's easy and uncomplicated. Do you remember how I said it that i hated over-the-top romanticization of Chloe and Rachel? Well, my hatred does not apply to this one. HAPPY ROMCOM AU Y'ALL. Just accept this gift without further explanation.

7. Yours by craashintome (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13210812) Another gift without further explanation. HAPPY ROMCOM AU Y'ALL!

8. Strawberry by Danganphobia (https://archiveofourown.org/works/12627669) Here's the thing: after a while, reading fanfic and pretending that the real world is a mirage got me quite happily alienated. Therefore, that's my excuse for all the fluffy one shots in a role. So, you know, enjoy yourself :)

9. Notice Me by lunargrrrl (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13505091) The format of this one fells like a poem. Honestly, I never thought that something like this would captivate me at all, but it definely did. Pleasant surprise to say at least.

10. So, You're a Fatalist Then? by Dandybear (https://archiveofourown.org/works/12434655) After I read this one, it took me a while to read another Amberprice Fanfic. I have this theory that most of us reads to live a life that do not belong to us. We have the privilege to simply escape. And I loved to escape the fact that Chloe and Rachel never left Arcadia Bay. This piece reminded me what actually happened.

11. Can't Complain About Much These Days by breezered (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13267965) Do you remember the cutscene in the end of Before The Storm where Chloe paints her hair completely blue? Well, I hope you do, because Rachel helps her out in this one. Believe me when I tell you that you need a little bit of fluffy after the last one.

12. Please Don't Be My Valentine by Ghost_In_The_Hella (https://archiveofourown.org/works/18082052) Conversation Hearts by Ghost_In_The_Hella (https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562945) No need to call me Santa or, in this case, Cupid (ba dun tss). Valentine's Day Special y'all!

13. Tonight I'll Lie Awake, Felling Empty by orphan_account (https://archiveofourown.org/works/4583376) If there was a Life is Strange Before the Storm part II, this piece would definely be a part of the plot. If you need more persuasion to read this masterpiece, I will leave you with this quote: "For Rachel, who doesn't believe in past regrets, it will probably be like it never happened."

14. Alright in the Evening (Baby With You) by breezered (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13214394) That's the euphoric felling that Rachel tried to describe to Chloe the night after the play, where everything is possible and running away is the easiest thing in the entire world. This piece fells light.

15. And the Forest Burned (You See Smoke) by breezered (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13153557) This one destroyed me in the most beautiful way possible. I've been staring at my computer screen for a embarassing amount of time trying to describe how this made me fell so I can indoctrinate you to also read it, but I'm failing horribly. Do you know that book that list 1001 things you have to do before dying? Well, if I've written that book, reading this fanfic would be one of those things. If that's not enough for you, stay with this GENIUS quote: "No, loving Rachel Amber doesn’t kill you. It never burns out, not really. Her absence doesn’t make the fire fade or dwindle, it stokes it and stokes it until the passion and the heat from loving a ghost burns you up and leaves you empty. You spend every second of every day painfully loving Rachel Amber until there’s nothing left for you to give, no more energy and no more attention." (I'm also in love with breezered. What can I say? I'm a whore).

16. The Way You Kiss me (Will Work Every Time) by breezered (https://archiveofourown.org/works/13343250) This author is just *chief kiss*.

17. Gone by orphan_account (https://archiveofourown.org/works/16579007) I've never seen a single soul in this Earth that doesn't love Smut + Angst. Have fun kiddos :)

END OF THE LIST