#quotes that remind me of my mom and instantly make me want to die

[mitskicoded]

from girls to mothers. they never truly get to be their own person.

a thousand splendid suns by khaled hosseini

the silence of the girls by pat barker

such a pretty girl by laura weiss

the red tent by anita diamant

devotion by madeline stevens

[claudiasjeancregg]

Actually I would be interested in your thoights on the CJ/Josh parallels with Josh and his older sister Jeanie?

oh my GOD thank you!! hi! putting this under a cut because... it’s a thousand words... i did not mean for that to happen.

okay so- cj is basically josh’s older sister. she playfully kicks/shoves/hits him like a sister (aka those three random gifs set in various places over seven seasons where she kicks the back of his leg and they both crack up. SIBLINGS.) she teases him, she makes sure he’s not too much of an asshole, and she loves him. i’m a sucker for found family, just like anyone else who watches this show. 

but josh doesn’t let many people in. he has major survivor’s guilt from a fire when he was, like, SIX YEARS OLD that killed his nine year old sister. and he thinks it’s his fault- which is insane and traumatic and heartbreaking, he absolutely should have gone to therapy. 

(concept- spinoff of tww that’s just them in therapy. because it is SO necessary. i love these nerds so much and i want them to BE HEALTHY OKAY?) 

so josh grows up with that trauma as a part of his life- we don't really know what he was like as a kid/teen but i have a hc that he was mostly loud and boisterous at school, but at home he tried to be quiet and low-maintenace because he didn’t want to disappoint his parents anymore.

(and we’re back to josh blaming himself for the fire... my poor baby i love him so much. ps go look at @smallblueandloud‘s adhd josh hc it’s on my mind a lot and is totally canon in my brain.) 

SO. WHERE DOES CJ COME IN? are you just going to rant about your josh lyman feelings forever? (yes.)

so josh meets cj when he’s an adult, he’s out of college and is a lot more well-adjusted in general but is still kind of restless and isn’t very happy with his life. (sidenote- leo’s “compulsive fixer who walks around with so much guilt that everyone he loves will die and it’ll be his fault” line in 3.10 is SPOT. ON. and i love that so much, even though it makes me cry.)

he joins the bartlet for america campaign, meets toby WHO WILL ALSO BE LIKE HIS BROTHER AND BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THAT and meets cj. she instantly feels familiar to him, but he doesn't know what it is. and at first, she’s not really warming up to him- he seems immature and juvenile, and not anything she hasn't seen in a guy a million times before. but they slowly get to know each other, and as the whole team gets closer, cj learns that josh is so much more than what he lets on. he cares so much about the people he loves and would do ANYTHING to protect them. 

a few months into the campaign she suspects something is wrong, because of hushed phone calls that sam tells her not to interrupt, and she heard him crying through the walls while she was trying to sleep. so she drags him into a side street and sits him down, and she tells him about her mom and how she died from breast cancer when she was a kid. (because she’s been here before with HER brothers- even though they’re older, it’s the same. sometimes, you have to open up before they’ll open up to you.) and he tells her about his dad, and how he’s dying, and how he left. and cj tells him he isn’t the center of the universe, that he doesn’t have that much power. she tells him that you can’t save everyone. and he says, “i could have saved her.” before she can ask him what the hell that means, he’s on his feet, already moving towards the next thing.

their interaction in “the crackpots and these women” where he's freaking out about the nsc card gives me LIFE because!! “you’re very sweet sometimes, you really are” may be my favorite quote ever. that’s josh lyman right there. and she talks him down from his rant, with logic and common sense, and love. and she reminds him that it’s okay to be worried, but its going to be OKAY! and she makes him feel so much better about the whole thing, because she’s kind of his SISTER and she knows how to do that. 

and later, like when he’s playing around and she kicks him or taps him or rolls her eyes fondly... peak sibling behavior. “we love you josh!” “it helps not to know him” ONCE AGAIN. SIBLINGS.

and SEASON SIX AND THE BET. when she’s trying to get him to stop eating sweets- it’s absolutely hilarious- “belly up to the griddle, grizelda”- for one, but also... it comes out of worry and concern and cj not wanting him to kill himself by living like a twenty five year old. 

and the COS job- he knows she’s going to be great, and he supports her... but he thought he was the logical choice. and it’s obvious how much that hurts him, but i think it hurts her even more because he leaves. (and it’s not about that but there is a definite part of his choice to leave that comes when he realizes he’s not NEEDED anymore. which obviously isn’t true... but. still.) i think it really hurts cj that he left her just when she could have used him- they would have worked SO WELL together, god! yes, i’m still mad that we didn’t get closure on this cj/josh and josh/toby rift that happened after he left- i’m just at the beginning of s7 tho so hopefully that happens! but i doubt it lol. and josh calls her and asks for advice because he needs her- with family, it doesn't matter. you pick up the phone and you help. 

so i got super off topic there, i didn’t talk about joanie as much because we don't know much about her! but i just think that for josh, part of the reason he loves cj so much is that she reminds him so much of joanie. she takes that place in his life without replacing her, and that MATTERS to him. ALSO the names- i have a hc that i got from someone else’s fic that cj’s nickname is  jeanie... and his sister’s name is joanie... i’m sorry i had to mention it.

FUCK that was literally 1k, this was insanely long i’m so sorry. i just love these two so much- if anyone EVER wants to talk about tww i will love you forever i’m in love with this show.

[mysterylover123]

BNHA Rewatch: Episode 29 “Hero Killer Stain vs UA Students”

mysterylover123

This is a great episode.

So imagine you’ve never heard of BNHA and only heard a synopsis of this episode. Notice how you can figure out a lot about Midoriya’s character, just by learning how he manages to find Iida? By observing what kind of person he is, utilizing his knowledge of the Hero Killer’s tendencies, and deducing via process of elimination where he is. You get it. Smart, a little reckless, observant and self-sacrificing. That, my friend, is good writing. 

Endeavor’s introduction here is so jarring the first time you see it. He’s introduced the same way Midoriya is introduced when he finds Iida and Stain later on - saving the day at the last minute, saying he’s got this, and that he’s here as a hero. It’s this eerie contrast to the Endeavor in the audience’s mind, the monster who seems to justify Stain’s philosophy with his douchebaggery. 

Tomura asking AFO for Nomu like a kid asking a parent for more toys lol.

“Ingenium is the name of a hero who will defeat you” Iida takes up his brother’s mantle...and is instantly defeated. For those playing the Major Theme Home game, this is the Imitation one. Blind Imitation in BNHA=Instant Death Ticket. And interestingly enough, Stain embodies this concept as well. Stain is someone who thinks everyone should imitate All Might’s style of heroism and nothing else. He enforces blind imitation. 

Yeesh. That looks painful.

So trying to piece together why Stain thought Tensei was a fake hero is odd, since he’s such a standup guy. Iida’s flashback has Tensei revealing that he feels dependent on his sidekicks, and perhaps that’s the idea here: just like Tensei, Iida needs Todoroki and Midoriya’s support, but one of the series’ components of a great hero (eg All Might) is someone who can stand on their own. At the same time, Stain is kinda, you know, wrong, so it’s possible the series is not refuting the power of friendship with this, but rather advocating for it.

Stain’s rebuke to Tenya also speaks about the other half of being a great hero - prioritizing rescue - that the series advocates. Iida is so fixated on killing Stain, he didn’t even notice that Stain was about to murder the pro-hero Native (presumably for being a fake hero who commits cultural appropriation), a mistake that Midoriya immediately counteracts when he arrives and notices Native, realizing he has to stick around to protect both Native and Iida. 

Speaking of...

Deku is so sugoi. Seriously this entrance is one of the most badass moments in the series to me. It’s like, boom, give Deku a couple days working on his quirk, and he goes from a shy kid who’s scared to use his powers to a tough, confident badass who just buzzes in, bouncing off the walls, and socks a professional villain in the face. 

OMG THIS OST. I don’t know what it’s called. Someone tell me what it’s called, this is one of my favorite OSTs in the series. 

Stain recognizes him. Villain Love at First Sight! (I’m kidding, but seriously, I like how Stain actually respects Midoriya. It’s totally in character and makes perfect sense. It’s probably my favorite thing about Stain, actually - the way he can spot a true hero-in-training when he sees one).

Deku’s on such a winning streak lately. Just...looking great, being great, doing great things. 

Stain’s eyes are, according to Deku ‘those of a fanatic’, compared to Tomura’s (there’s that Motivation theme again). Interestingly enough, Deku and Stain are both ‘fanatics’ about the same thing. Stain is a foil, an evil counterpart of Deku. The person he could’ve been if he allowed his idolization of All Might to take him too far. 

Iida tells Deku to basically leave him there to die. Deku’s response is so good that I just have to post it (the dub version here): “If you really believe that, then why are you trying to become a hero in the first place?...All Might was right, though. Meddling where you don’t need to is the essence of being a hero!”

I’m with you, Stain. I’m with you.

So we get this fight. While Deku’s taken out quickly, his strategy is still pretty cool. It’s so fun to watch him fight. Full Cowl is one of my favorite fight styles in anime. 

Deku does so amazing he’s so smart. Damn but Stain still gets him. Nonetheless, Stain isn’t about to kill his new Hero Crush, Symbol of Peace 2.0, so he leaves him struggling and goes to kill his Current Archnemesis, Ingenium 2.0. Only to be interrupted by...

SQUEEE!!!! Also, the Tododeku is strong with this one. Sending messages like this isn’t Deku’s style, Shoto says. Aw!

Deku gives us a friendly reminder that he’s Smart beyond Smart as he’s already put together the Hero Killer’s quirk and how it works. Marry me Deku. 

Ew Stain no licking Shoto that’s Deku’s job.

Iida is yelling about how Shoto needs to let him kill Stain. (I’m reminded of a scene from Angel: “He’s my lead, he’s my lead, what are we, on the schoolyard here?) Anyway, the animation on Shoto fighting here is jaw-dropping, seeing him swap between hot and cold...wow...

The nature of Stain’s quirk is just flat-out brilliant. He freezes people in place, reflecting his own mindset of how people can’t just change, how he refuses to accept Iida’s change. And according to Blood Type Personality theory, his quirk is most effective against the types of people he hates the most (B) and least against those he likes the most (O). O being closest type to his image of a perfect hero (BTW, Blood Type in Japanese dating culture also corresponds with romantic compatibility. For my main ship: O/A (Izuku/Katsuki) is considered an ideal match. Score!)

But speaking of ships, Tododeku negotiate how to work together to fight Stain and it’s super cute. Shoto then has a long flashback scored to another mindblowingly good OST about how Deku completely changed his life and made it so he could deal with his shit and talk to his mom and it’s so precious and sweet. (For the record, they’re both Type O.)

Also Shoto thinking about his trek to his old man’s internship is so well-timed for me today. SPOILERS Chapter 242 ends with him offering to let Wonder Duo intern with his dad and him. Holy Crap. They sure have come a long way.

OMG Sub and Dub this line is so good: “Set your eyes on what you want to become”/”Become the hero he wanted you to be!” I can’t decide which I like better. Todoroki you master of epic speeches you. 

I’d say this is the best of the Stain episodes. Overall, it’s just so strong. Great pacing, acting, animation, story, everything. The OST is incredible all the way through, the character development is just a joy to behold. Everything is all around amazing. Another really-high up there one. Season 2 is just a masterwork. 

BKDK Corner

Iida: His moves, like Bakugou’s! Everyone can see it. (Though as an aside - I think Deku  just might be faster). Also in the eternal home game of “Win and Rescue” heroes, Izuku is a true hero to Stain because he will put others first, but a true hero also needs to be able to win a fight on their own if they want to do so. Izuku isn’t quite there yet, but he’s taken an important first step. By learning from the Embodiment of Victory. 

Best Girl of the Ep: Unnamed blonde pro lady!

RANKER: Top 5 Favorite Midoriya Quotes

5.  “My body moved before I could think.” Episode 2/Chapter 1. 

4. “It’s your power, isn’t it?”Episode 23/Chapter 39

3. “To the same degree as all of your terrible traits, your sheer amazingness at everything you do was so brilliant to me, it was blinding.” Episode 61/Chapter 119

2. “Meddling where you don’t need to is the essence of being a hero.” Episode 29/Chapter 152

1. “A hero’s job is to risk his life, to turn his lip service into a reality!” Episode 42/Chapter 75.

[lovedroughtff]

Chapter 3- Hail Mary

I ain't a killer, but don't push me Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin' pussy Picture paragraphs unloaded, wise words being quoted Peeped the weakness in the rap game and sewed it Bow down, pray to God, hopin' that he's listenin' Seein' niggas comin' for me Through my diamonds, when they glistenin' Now pay attention: bless me please, Father, I'm a ghost In these killing fields, hail Mary, catch me if I go Let's go deep inside the solitary mind of a madman Screams in the dark, evil lurks, enemies see me flee Activate my hate, let it break to the flame Set trip, empty out my clip, never stop to aim Some say the game is all corrupt and fucked in this shit Stuck, niggas is lucky if we bust out this shit Plus, mama told me never stop until I bust a nut Fuck the world if they can't adjust, it's just as well, hail Mary Come with me! Hail Mary, nigga, run quick, see What do we have here now? Do you wanna ride or die? La la-la-la la la la la 

7 years ago

Julian

“Baby? What are you doing today?” Sienna asked, I looked up from my phone to see my beautiful pregnant Fiancee standing in our kitchen. She wasn’t showing too much, but she was glowing and I couldn’t be happier.

“Nothing much, I have to go talk to Mom and Jilly, and I’m going to meet Logan near Edgewater.”

She looked extremely happy at the fact that I was doing something she had been begging me to do for years. She threw her arms around me and kissed my lips.

“Thank you! I don’t like it when my best friend and future hubby fight.” She pouted.

 I chuckled at her cuteness and rubbed her belly.  

“What are you doing today future wifey and baby?”   

She threw her hair over her shoulder, “Well, we are going to introduce baby to all of my siblings today and they probably take me shopping because that’s all we do.”

“So, you’re telling me that you need my black card.”  

She just smiled sweetly and shrugged, “Whatever you want to give me, I’ll gladly accept.”

“Mhm, spoiled ass.” I said pulling out my wallet to hand her my card, “Have you thought of any names?”

She gladly accepted the card and nodded, “Mhm, even though you don’t want the baby to be named after you if we have a boy. I still like the name Julian.”

I shook my head, “I like the name Isaiah or Noah. Any girl names?”

“Brielle or Bridget.”

“No V’s?” I was shocked, all of her siblings first names started with a V like their Mom’s.

“Nah, it’s only so many V’s out there that sound good, and I just want something different.”

I sighed, I know that Sie and her mom haven’t been on good terms for a long time, but she always is gonna need her mom.

“Sie- “ She put her hand up stopping me from talking

“Ju I know you want to come from a good place, but you haven’t been me. I love my mom, but she’s treated me like I’ve been a burden my whole life. She loves Kristen because she loves Kristen’s dad. She loves Rocky,Ari and Bash because she loves Baba. She hates my father, so she treats me like crap. We just don’t have the best relationship and I would just rather not force anything.” She mumbled.

I know talking about her mom is always something she would rather not do, but in order for her to be fine and have our baby, she needs her mother. But I let it go and changed the subject.

“I love you, Sienna, no matter what happens.”

“I love you too JuJu.” She smiled calling me, the nickname that I hated.

~~~~

I pulled up to Avondale, and I wasn’t too excited to do this. I knew for a fact that this would hurt Sienna, but I had business to take care of. I told her I was going to meet Logan, but fuck that nigga.

Why would I want to be friends with someone who has been in love with my girlfriend, since before I met Sienna, and the simple part that he is also someone I do business with is just plain, annoying. That’s why we always get into fights over Sienna, he wants me to tell her what we actually do and to leave her alone, but I refuse to let him have her.

I knocked on the apartment door and she answered. “What took you so long J.” She removed herself from the door and waddles over to the couch.

“I had to deal with Sienna.” I said coming into the shitty apartment that she lived in.

She rolled her eyes, “Does wifey know I’m pregnant with your twins?” She smirked.

I eyed her, because she knew that Sienna was not someone I played with. “Kennedy, what happened the last time you brought up Sienna.”

She stayed quiet and rolled her eyes, “You need to tell her Julian, and be with me.”

“Why would I want to be with a hoodrat? When I have the most perfect woman to come home to already.”

“Then why the fuck do you fuck me?! She must be shitty  and got some shitty ass pussy because you come over here enough to get me pregnant with your kids!” She stood up getting mad.

I stood up as well, she knew better. But apparently she doesn’t know her fucking place. I grabbed her neck with my hands and started to choke her, making her drop to her knees.

“I don’t care if you are having my kids. Once you drop them, I’ll kill you and have Sienna raise them. Do you understand?”

With her bright red face, she shook her head and I let go of her neck, and she started coughing.

“Since, you’re down there, you know what to do.” I spoke to her.

I could hear her sniffling, but I didn’t care if she was crying,  she unzipped my pants and pulled out my dick to put her mouth around it.

She knows her place and If I have to remind her, then I will.

 Dahlia

I was sitting in the bed, playing on my phone. Ashton was around here somewhere taking care of me in my time of need and Cash went to go get my medicine.

I was having a baby, but I couldn’t handle the pressure of being a mom at the age of 17 and a senior in high school. All I could hear was my father and mother yelling at me, ever since I told them I was pregnant by Ash.

“Dahlia Yasmin Ilena Torres, we have raised you better than this. Why did you get pregnant by a gringo?!” My father complained.

My mother wouldn’t talk to me for weeks, they even threatened to kick me out, if I didn’t have an abortion. So, I did, and I told Ashton that I had a miscarriage. But now he’s smothering me, and I can’t take it, it’s literally too much.

“Baby? How are you feeling?” Ash said coming into my bedroom

I smiled, “I’m fine, Ash you can go home. Mom and dad will be back soon, and I know that y’all don’t get along.”

He nodded, “Yeah, you’re parents don’t really fuck with a nigga huh?”

I shook my head, “I don’t want any unnecessary drama. I just want to chill and get better, you know.”

~~~

Ashton had left 3 hours ago, and I was in the room with my little sister Isabella

“So are you going to tell him that you got an abortion?” Izzie asked.

“Hell naw, why would I do that?” I scrunched up my face.

“Because it was his baby?”

“Was it his baby?” I countered.

“Dahlia!!!” Isabella whined.

“What?”

“You know Ashton loves you, way too much. Plus, I thought you were done cheating on him after the 1st time he took you back.”

“I mean, I like having both men in my life, but I love Ashton more,  but Nate  is more exciting and fun to be around, he’s 21!” I bragged. But before I could finish, my door busted open and Cash was standing there pissed as fuck.

I mumbled a shit, “Cash, it’s not what you think.”

“So, you didn’t cheat on my brother and abort his baby?”

I stayed quiet,  

“So, it’s exactly what I think. Are you fucking kidding me Dahlia! I introduced him to you, when you damn near begged me when we were 14! You had the biggest crush on him, remember!!!”

“Cash-“

“No, there is no explaining this to me Lia. You’re my best friend. He’s my brother. You cheated and lied constantly to the both of us. You’re disgusting!”

She went to turn around, and I hopped of the bed, grabbing her arm.

“Autumn, please don’t tell him, okay? It’s not your business.”

She snatched away from me, and looked at me like I was crazy.

“He’s my fucking brother! Of course I’m telling him.”

I grabbed her again, “Dahlia, get your fucking hands off me.”

“YOU CAN’T TELL HIM AUTUMN! PLEASE!”

I was trying to get her to listen, but once Autumn Cashmere Scott makes up her mind, nothing can change it.

She jumped in my face, “WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU TALKING TOO WITH ALL THAT BASS IN YOUR VOICE.”

“IT AIN YOUR BUSINESS CASH, STAY OUT OF IT!” I yelled back

By this time Izzie and my mom was trying to pull us apart from one another,

“FUCK THAT! I’M TELLING HIM THAT YOU’RE A DIRTY BITCH AND THAT YOU KILLED HIS BABY.”

Once I heard the word bitch, I swung at her, and we instantly started fighting, we tumbled down the stairs.

I couldn’t really get the upper hand on her, so Cash was whooping my ass, until my dad pulled us apart.

I was breathing heavy as hell and so was Cash, you could tell she was livid.

“Don’t you ever in your life, come around my brother or me again. Next time, bitch, I will take out my daddy’s shotgun and shoot your stupid ass before you make it up the street. Fucking try me Dahlia. I’m done with you.”

“GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE!” I yelled pointing to the door.

She threw my shit out of her purse on the floor, crushing it, before leaving out of the door, she turned around, “FUCK YOU!” and left slamming the door

Ashton

I was at home chilling with Austin, when Dad called me, saying that Cash was hysterical and she was crying at home, so I rushed over  with him to see what was wrong with my sister.

As soon as I got through the door, I could hear her screaming and crying, and tearing shit up in her room.

“What’s wrong with her?” I asked Pops

He shrugged, “Teenage girls, She came in the house screaming about Dahlia and went in her room, tearing things up.”

Dahlia? I know Cash and Lia are best friends, and they had to have had a falling out of she was acting like this, but what the hell was that damn bad.

Austin stayed downstairs with pops and I ran up the staris, 2 by 2 until I reached the top, walking to Cash’s room.

“Cash, what the hell.”

I looked around her room and it looked like a tornado hit it.

“I’m done with that bitch! Fuck her!” She yelled pointing in my face

“What happened?” I looked and saw all the pictures that had Dahlia in them torn to shreds, all the gifts and clothes they shared over the years of being friends, torn, ripped and thrown all over the place.

“That bitch put her hands on me, but I showed her that I’m nothing to play with and whooped her Mexican ass. She’s crazy. Stop fucking with her Jasper. I mean that shit.”

She never calls me my middle name, no one did except Mom, so I knew she was dead ass serious, but I still didn’t know what happened.

“Dahlia is on rest from miscarrying the baby. She shouldn’t have been out of the bed and y’all shouldn’t have fought!”

She rolled her eyes and put her hair in a ponytail. “She Ain miscarry no damn baby, Jasper. Leave her the fuck alone.”

“What are you trying to say? I can’t leave her alone.”

“And why the fuck not?” She crossed her arms.

“How about, she just miscarried my baby, and I love her, when she turns 18 next week, I’m going to propose.”

I pulled the ring out of my pocket, I wanted Cash to see it, and I wanted to prove to everyone that Dahlia isn’t a phase to me, I love her and she’s my forever. Yes, I’m 19, but she’s only a year and some months younger than me. But I want to provide and be there for her like our dad was with our mom.

Cash took the ring box out of my hand and instantly sighed, before screaming “SHE’S CHEATING ON YOU ASHTON!”

~~~~~~~

I was at the hospital, cause Dahlia called me crying, but the conversation that Cash and I had, kept playing in my head.

Cash really fucked up D, cause Dahlia had a broken nose, a black eye and a few bruised ribs with some out of socket fingers.

She was going on and on about how Cash was disrespectful and Cash punched her first which started the fight, which doesn’t sound like the fight that Cash described to me. And doesn’t sound anything like my sister. But she kept on crying and telling me that I need to cut off my sister. 

 I was listening to everything she was saying, but the question if she was cheating again, was stuck in the back of my head. 

“I can’t believe she would do that to me, I thought we were best friends.” She whispered playing with the tattoo on my chest. I was laying in the hospital bed with her and we were cuddling.

“So, you’re not cheating on me again?” I asked her, she instantly froze up against my body. I sat up and looked at her face, I needed to know if she was lying.

“You freezing says a lot D.”

“I didn’t freeze Ashton, your question caught me off guard, I told you that I wouldn’t do that to you again.” She spoke calmly.

“So, why did you get into a fight with my sister? Because the story you’re telling me isn’t lining up with what Cash said. And Cash is anything but a liar.”

“You’re going to believe your sister over me?” She asked with fake hurt. It was pissing me off

“Yasmin, you really testing my patience. I can read you like a fucking book. TELL ME THE TRUTH! ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH THAT NIGGA AGAIN.”

She started crying and I could literally hear my heart break for the 2nd time by this girl. I was done, I got out the bed and put my shoes on. If I didnt leave, I would be getting arrested.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” She cried to me, she touched my shoulders and I shook her off, causing her to wince out in pain from her fight with Cash. 

“You said that the last time Dahlia.” I stood up and turned around, and asked the one question, i knew I was going to regret.

“Was it even my baby?” I asked  

She shook her head no, I chuckled, but I could hear my voice cracking, “So you were gonna let me raise a kid that wasn’t even mine.”

“I didn’t want to lose you Ashton. I love you.” She grabbed my hand, trying to make me see her side, but I took my hand away from her.

“Fuck you, Dahlia.”

Logan

I was pissed as fuck because Julian was late again. I was here with our distributor and he was getting antsy without Julian being here.

He pointed to his watch, signifying the time and shrugged his shoulders.

“He’ll be here. I promise.” I spoke, I motioned for some of the boys to wait with the distributor while I called julian.

I instantly got his voicemail; “Nigga, where the hell you at!! The cartel is here and we waiting on your ass. Get here now!”

I hung up the phone and went back into the warehouse, before I could even open my mouth, Julian bursts through the door.

“Sorry I’m late, but before we get started could I speak to you Logan?”

We exited the room, “Nigga what the fuck, we can’t be here all fucking night.”

“My bad, my phone died, I had to deal with Kennedy and my mom, a lot of shit has been going on.”

“Put all that shit aside, and let’s get this money.”

~~~~

As we were talking with the head of the Torres Cartel and our boys were counting the coke, and money. A commotion rung about,

“What the hell,” Julian said, getting up with me right behind him.

On high alert, we entered the room, to see our boys in the faces of the cartel.

“What’s going on here.” I asked

“Boss, this isn’t the cocaine we ordered, this is the fake shit that’s been going around.” He said never leaving the face of the cartel member.

Julio, The lead of the cartel spoke up, “Check again son, my cocaine is the purest form.”

“I checked, 4 times. It’s pure shit.”

If we didn’t get control of this situation and fast, it was going to be deadly. Before anything or anyone else said anything, Julian went over to try the coke, the way he looked, I knew he believed our guy.

“Logan,” I walked over to try it, and they were both right. This tasted like regular baking soda.

“What is the meaning of all of this.”  Julio, was calm and put his hands up in the air, very nonchalantly.

“Are you trying to skimp us? We pay you every 6 months for the best drugs and here we are with baking soda.” Julian said, throwing it to the ground in front of the cartel.

“Julian, Logan. There is a misunderstanding.” He simply said.

“No misunderstanding Julio. My boy is the best taster besides myself and Logan. We all think it’s shit. So, we will take back our money and find a new distributor. Because I don’t like messy business.”

My eyes grew big, with the amount of product we put on the streets, no one really had the supply except Torres. Either Julian is bluffing or I don’t know but I got a feeling this isn’t ending well.

“You’ve tasted it. That is not how we do things.” Julio spoke, a little too calmly for my liking.

“So you want me to take 5 million dollars worth of baking soda and do what with it?” Julian asked.

“I don’t give a fuck, but once the money is in our possession, it isn’t our issue anymore.” Julio laughed, I knew that pissed Julian off, but he just simply smiled.

Before I could even do anything, I heard, “Julian! Duck!!”

He ducked down in time for one of the Torres cartel, to hit and kill one of their own. They were trying to set us up and we weren’t about to have that shit.

Shots rang out and we instantly pulled our guns out of our waist shooting at the Torres Cartel,  Julian and I separated to cover the most ground making sure that none of us were hurt.

I was pissed, all I wanted to do was stay at home, but here I am. In this mess.

Julian was on the other side, fighting some of the lower level in the cartel and I was making sure our boys were good. Next thing I know, I hear loud ass shots basically in my ear, I turn around and see Julian on the ground, going unconscious.

I run over to him, seeing he’s been hit 5 times, and tried to stop the bleeding. I got some of the guys to help me, but we need to get him to the hospital. NOW!  

I made sure that it was safe, and I ran off to get the disposable truck. Hoping in and grabbing the keys from the armrest, I started the car, putting it into gear and sped to the part of the warehouse he was in. By the time I got back, the cartel was gone. I rolled down the window and yelled,

“Shit!! Load him in the car!” I screamed at the boys. They grabbed a hurt Julian and loaded him in the car as I drove off.

“KEEP HIS ASS AWAKE!!”

I was speeding like crazy, praying that no cops were out tonight.  

“Logan! He’s fading out!” One of them yelled.

“I SAID KEEP HIS ASS AWAKE!!!!” I yelled weaving through traffic.

“Sienna, please don’t tell Sienna.” He mumbled.

“Don’t worry about Sienna! Stay awake Julian!”

I finally got across town and near enough to the hospital to drop him off, we couldn’t take him, it was against protocol.

We got him out of the truck and carefully sat him down on the ground. One of the boys shot 5 shots in the air, with the gun that shot Julian, and the other called the police and threw the phone into the lake.

Before I could leave, Julian grabbed my hand, looking at me, “No Matter what happens, Sienna doesn’t know a thing, Please Logan. Protect her.”

“I wont need to, because you’ll be there to protect them both.” I said back

“Boss man we gotta go!” One of the boys yelled, I nodded and let him go,  

Jumping back into the car, racing to the warehouse, we made sure everything was destroyed, including our clothes, and the car we took him in. One of the boys had to take Julian’s car near the sight were we dropped him off, the police will be looking for it soon enough, and it cant be here.

By the time, I got home and settled down, Sienna called me crying. Julian had died.

“Fuck!” I called out. Looks like I’m in charge of the business, and that is something I didn’t want to be doing.

Sienna

My sisters were cooing over my stomach and rubbing, as I just told them that I was pregnant. Even though, I’m only 19 right now (turning 20 next month), I couldn’t wait to have this baby. Julian and I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret, especially since once we told our parents we knew shit would hit the fan. But also, to make sure that nothing happened to the baby.

I was four months pregnant today, and barely showing, and glad for it.  

“Does Mama and Baba know?” Kristen asked,

I nodded, “Baba nearly put JuJu through the wall in the kitchen. I had to stop him from hurting him.” Chuckling at the thought.

“Of course he would, you know Baba doesn’t play about us.” Rocky laughed.

We were all light hearted and cracking jokes and making up baby names for my and Julian’s child, when his younger sister called me. I picked it up still laughing with my sisters.

“Hey Jilly-“ I paused and sat up once I heard her crying.

“Sienna, you gotta get to St. Mary’s Now!” She sobbed.

“What’s the matter Jilly?”

My sisters were now concerned at the nervousness in my face and how my body stiffened while being on the phone.

“He was shot Sienna! You gotta get here now!”

“W-who was shot?”

I started trembling at the thought, that I knew exactly who she was talking about.

I didn’t even hear her when she said Julian’s name, I just dropped the phone with tears running down my face.

 “I got to go, Julian was shot!” As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I broke down.

“Sienna, you cant drive like this!” Kristen yelled.

“I have to go.” I grabbed my stuff, but my hands were trembling so bad, I kept dropping everything.

“Were driving you, Sienna.” Rocky took my stuff and Ari and Kris grabbed my hands leading me to the car.

By the time, I got to the hospital, he was gone, I walked up to his sister.

“Jilly, what happened!”

“Sienna, I-I dont know. Mother is his emergency contact and she called me. They found him near Lincoln.”

“Lincoln, he said he was going to Edgewood?” I told her

“I need to see him.” I said

Jilly grabbed my hand, “ I don’t think that’s a good idea Sienna. Mother is back there with the doctors. Making arrangements.”

“I should be making arrangements, we’re engaged. I want to be apart of this ” I told her.

Another secret we kept from the entire family, we just wanted to live our lives and be happy. I didn’t want anyone ruining my pregnancy or engagement, so we shut up about it.

“Sienna, it’s not a good idea.”

“What room is he in.”

She saw my face and knew I was serious “237.”

As soon as I heard the number, I ran to the room as fast as my feet could allow me.

I reached his room and I saw his body covered up and blood was all over him. I instantly started crying.

I walked in and touched his hand. “Ju what were you doing in Lincoln. Why-why couldn’t you just stay home when I called you earlier?”

I was balling when I heard his mother’s voice, “Sienna,let him go.”

I turned and saw his mother, the police and a pregnant girl.

“Ms. Pearson,”

“Sienna, you need to leave and let my son go.” I knew the witch didnt like me, but she knew how much I love him and he loves me. I was shocked at her reaction, I was the only one crying. She was stoned.

“He’s my fiancée, the father of my child. I’m not leaving.”

“He’s not your Fiancee, he’s mine” The pregnant girl spoke up.

I sat up, from Julian’s body and looked at the both of them, “Who the hell are you?”

“Kennedy, the mother of Julian’s sons. I would appreciate if you got off him” She put her hand on her belly, and I saw the ring.

“Youre lying, Julian wouldn’t cheat on me, and he wouldn’t have you saying your the fiancee when I am.” I pulled out my necklace, which also had my engagement ring on it to show them.

His mother motioned for the police officer to get me and I stepped back.

“Ma’am, the immediate family has asked you to leave. Either you leave willingly or I am going to have to force you our of here.”

I never fought so hard in my life.

~~~~

By this time, I was at Logan’s house with Phoenix and I was crying on her lap. I had been here for the past 6 hours and it was now 2 am. I couldn’t wrap my head around what just happened and how it happened.

“He said he was coming to meet you Logan, did you see him today?” I cried, looking up from Phoe’s lap.

He shook his head, “You know we don’t get along Si, why would I meet him?”

I wiped my tears, only for new ones to form, “I have no idea what’s going on. He has another baby mother, his mother kicking me out. She isn’t going to let me be apart of the funeral. I just- what is happening!!” I cried out.

“Vivienne. I understand you’re sad, and you don’t know what to do. But you have to worry about the baby in your stomach. You need to calm down before anything happens.” Phoenix said rubbing my hair out of my face.

“Phoenix-“

“I know honey, I know it sucks, but you need to now figure out your next move and what you’re going to do. So, what is the next thing you want? You want to go back to the apartment, stay here, come to mine, go to your mom’s?” 

I shook my head, “Can I stay here and you stay here. It’s late.” 

“Logan?” Phoenix asked him 

“Yeah, yall can have my room, I’ll sleep on the couch.” He mumbled 

 “Okay, that’s figured out, what next?” She asked again

“I want to go to his funeral.”

She nodded, “Okay, I’ll find out what when it is, and we’ll go together.”  

I mumbled an okay, and laid my head back down in her lap

“i- I just want him back. We were fine this morning.” I sniffled and started crying again.

“I know sweetie, I know.”  

I noticed that Logan would barely look at me, and his phone was blowing up, more than normal. He just kept his head in his hands and wouldn’t say anything.  

I cried myself to sleep that night, cuddling my best friend.

[skairipasoctavia]

why I still have hope for bellarke in season 6

Lots of my fellow bellarke warriors out there don’t have so much hope for season 6 and that’s understandable after what happened in season 5. i won’t lie season 5 was a rough season for bellarke and a good one as well. now here’s why:

we all know clarke radioed bellamy for 2,199 days which is crazy she never stopped and she still had hope he was alive and he’d come home and he did. even tho he came home 6 years later he came home with dating echo. now we didnt really know a huge difference in bellamy in season 5 until 5x06 so we all thought things were going to go good for bellarke and becho would break up by the end of the season. sadly, that was not the case.

now there was a lot of scenes in season 5 that showed bellarke being romantic.

“she must be pretty important to you.” “she is”

“you’re really here.” “and now you’re home.”

“the hostage taker and its girlfriend.”

“here we go again, pleading for the life of a traitor who you love.”

“bellamy loved you, as far as i can tell you were good for him and he was good for you.”

“(lexa) she’s showing me that memory, because she doesn’t want you to make the same mistake she did. betraying you was her biggest regret. i know you’re scared.”

“do you have any idea how much she cares about you? i shouldn’t tell you this, she called you on the radio everyday for 6 years when you were on the ring. you didn’t know that didn’t you?”

lets also not forget clarkes reaction shots when she saw becho kiss she looked heartbroken. also madi told clarke “ i bear it so they don’t have too.” which means she saw clarkes memory when she said goodbye to bellamy in season two, because clarke took the flame for a bit so she saw her memories. now you can say it’s bait or whatever blah blah but don’t forget the writers and JASON approved of this. all of these quotes and scenes hit bellarke being romantic.

now let’s talk about how clarke and how she felt in season 5. after clarke found eden and madi clarke felt finally happy, she felt at peace. she had no war or pain to go through. but she wasn’t 100% complete because bellamy wasn’t there with her, neither was her mom or friends. the beginning of season 5 went alright for clarke, even tho madi was protecting madi in the beginning of season 5, and the eligius prisoners invaded shallow valley, she was still alright. but once she saw bellamy came home and reunited with her, she felt safe and complete in almost a way. she was acting a bit shy around bellamy if you couldn’t tell but also it was because they haven’t seen each other in six 6 years so they had a lot of things to talk about. but the main reason she was acting shy because bellamy was finally home and she realized she loves bellamy and she wasn’t really ready to tell him that yet. even tho she was shy she was acting fine.

but once she saw him kiss echo for the first time, her heart broke and she knew she couldn’t be with her best friend who she loves. so clarke decided to stuff her feelings how she felt inside of her and tried to focus on the war with wonkru and the eligius prisoners instead. at that moment that’s what she thought was important.

in 5x08 after bellamy and clarke killed cooper and clarke got arrested, she asked bellamy to promise to protect madi. in that moment clarke didn’t care about her life being spared or not she just wanted madi to be safe and alive. and bellamy willingly promised to protect madi. now clarke still doesn’t know that part of the reason why bellamy poisoned clarke was too save clarkes life.

in 5x09 when bellamy told clarke that echo, emori, murphy, and raven were his family. her heart broke, she always felt like the 100 and him were a family. she felt like she wasn’t important to bellamy anymore, and bellamy didn’t really care about her which wasn’t the case. now the way bellamy was acting wasn’t the bellamy we all know and love he was acting different. clarke told bellamy no to putting the flame in madi, but he did it anyways. bellamy didnt want to put the flame in madi but he had no choice. he said this too madi: “if there was anything else i could do i would, this is how we stop this war, save my friends, this is how we save clarke.” bellamy didn’t have much a choice, he didn’t want to do this but he had to. madi told bellamy clarke won’t forgive him if he did this. madi took the flame in order to save clarke because she loves her.

not only clarke was heartbroken, but she felt hurt and pissed that bellamy put the flame in madi. she felt betrayed and she felt like madi’s life was in danger. so she thought the only way to save her and protect her was to leave polis. clarke felt the way to protect madi was to leave the people she cared about behind so madi would be safe and she would be alive.

clarke again stuffed all of her feelings inside of her which only made things worse but she tried to focus on the war instead and keeping madi safe. madi reminded clarke several times what she was doing was wrong. madi even told clarke she was ashamed of her. but clarke didn’t listen.

now i don’t like echo at all keep that in mind but echo kinda woke clarke up in 5x12. she told her that she left bellamy to die, and clarke broke. she felt beyond awful and especially that she found out bellamy was alive she even felt more awful. even lexa told madi through the flame she didn’t want clarke to make the same mistake by betraying bellamy, because lexa loved clarke so much and that was her biggest regret. she knew she couldn’t go with echo and madi to save bellamy and the others which her heart broke. she had to stop that transport ship from taking off and she realized that was the best way to protect madi and she had to let her go.

in 5x13 bellarke finally reunited and bellamy couldn’t even look at clarke. madi told bellamy the radio calls and bellamy forgave clarke instantly. clarke couldn’t leave bellamy even tho he wouldn’t get inside the ship before the missile hit because she loves him.

at the end of 5x13 when harper tells bellarke to take care of their son, jordan is beyond crazy. taking care of their child is explicit. you still don’t believe bellarke is canon? after monty says goodbye to bellamy and clarke and tells them to better on this planet. they’re both in tears and bellamy pulls clarke into his arms to comfort him and her and the season ends with bellarke looking at this new planet while comforting her. a bittersweet ending which is beautiful.

now finally lets get onto season 6. now you all may be concerned becho may not be breaking up this season and i’m not worried. now if y’all didn’t see those stills that were released in last october. any still that involves bellamy, clarke and echo. bellamy is always between echo and clarke. weird right? it’s not weird it’s hinting a love triangle. ofc in that campfire scene where echo is cuddling bellamy, and echo looks sad looking into the fire. clarke is probably still heartbroken realizing she will never probably be with bellamy in that way and she feels alone.

now if y’all think clarke is getting a love interest this season go ahead. i don’t think that’s the case in my opinion i think that new girl karia may be someone clarke is related to. i really do think that, and they could be long lost cousins. now i wouldn’t be surprised if someone was trying to flirt with clarke this season and bellamy getting jealous.

this season will start out with becho being all cute and couple like but i think echo will start to realize bellamy is distancing himself from her a bit. in my opinion i think theyre will be a echo/bellamy/clarke love triangle and bellamy will have to choose who he wants to be with.

after everything we been through and especially what happened last season. i don’t think there’s no way to avoid bellarke this season. don’t give up hope, and i hope i’m right i really do. so let’s hope for the best in season 6.

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Nobody’s Perfect: Part 2

Pairings: David Harbour x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, & fluff

Word Count: 2,554

A/N: This story was an idea that came to me from an interview David did. The quote was “...I'm better at the fantasy of relationships than I am at the daily real life, but I'm trying to steer myself into a realist...” And this is the story I came up with. I obviously don’t know David therefore I’m using my first amendment right, here.... & since David reads fan fics... if you ever see this, love... well, I’m sorry....

Part 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t think I have had that much fun in years.” David said as he drove you back to your hotel. He chuckled and glanced over at you as he reached across the middle console of his truck and put his hand on your thigh. “Don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in years, either.” You pouted out your bottom lip behind a smile and looked at the giant Coke spot on your thigh by his hand.

“Yea, that’s ‘cause you didn’t get covered in snotty Coke.” He ‘awed’ softly as he picked his hand up off your thigh and laced his fingers with yours.

“I’m sorry but it was really, really funny.” You both fought to hide your laughs as he glanced over at you. “Shit shot straight out of Gaten’s nose.” You snorted a laugh and your hand flew to your mouth to hide your giggles.

“I thought he was going to die of embarrassment! You know, I think he has a little boy crush on Shannon.” He glanced over at you with his eyebrows raised.

“You think?” You nodded in response as you absentmindedly brushed your thumb on the back of his hand.

“For sure. He spent half the day showing off and the other half making sure she was watching to make sure she saw him showing off.”

“See, now I saw him making sure you were watching.” You giggled and looked over at him with a smile.

“I think you were the only one paying more attention to me.” He smirked and shrugged his shoulder as he pulled into the hotel parking lot.

“I plead the fifth on that one.” You let go of his hand as he pulled into a spot and parked his truck. With a small smile, you shrugged your shoulder and sighed.

“Well, thank you for everything.” He nodded and shifted in his seat to look at you.

“So when do you leave? Maybe we can sneak one more dinner in or lunch with your mom…”

“You don’t have to do that.” You said with a shake of your head. “I mean really, this has been fun and all but come on. How is this really supposed to work out?” His eyebrows flew to his hair line before furrowing at the bridge of his nose.

“How is it not? I mean, unless you’re married or something and didn’t tell me.” You giggled and shook your head.

“No, not married, but come on. You’re an actor. You don’t wanna date a nobody like me.”

“You’re not a nobody, (Y/N).”

“I beg to differ on that one.” You said gently as you started to collect your things from where you had tossed them on the dash.

“Wait, hold on.” He leaned over and grabbed your hand so you would stop trying to rush out the door. “What are you doing? I like you, sweetheart. You’re sweet and funny and kind. You’re absolutely gorgeous and can hold a conversation without saying ‘like’ or ‘um’ every other word.   You actually want to get to know me as a person and not just as an actor.” He huffed a laugh and shook his head. “I’m not letting you just walk away from something that could be good for both of us.”

“David…” You breathed as you ran your fingers through your hair. “What if you leave here and realize you were just bored on your days off when you met me. Or… or what if I do something that embarrasses your image. What if I can’t handle the distance and I find someone else; what if I hurt you? What if my insecurities drive you crazy. What…”

“What if the sky falls?” He interrupted as he pulled your hand over into his lap. “What if I’m not some kid playing fucking mind games with you? You forget, I have a few more miles on these tires, honey. I’m not playing games anymore. You think you can damage my image? Sweetheart, I’ve been acting for years and most people don’t know who I am so I doubt you can do much damage as a self proclaimed nobody… which you aren’t to me, by the way, so you can stop saying that.” He reached up with his free hand and cupped your jaw with his rough hand. His eyes searched yours in the light from the neon hotel sign above his car and his head tilted ever so slightly to the side.

“What if right here, with me, is where you are supposed to spend the rest of your life? What if I’m supposed to be the man that makes you forget all your ‘what ifs’ for the rest of your life. What if you walk away from me right now and turn your back on all of those possibilities without even giving me a chance.”

“Wha…” You said weakly as he leaned toward you. Your eyes fell closed as he rested his forehead against yours. You felt his sigh float across your lips as his fingers curled in your hair at the base of your head.

“What if I kiss you?” Your subtle nod was enough of an answer to him and he quickly closed the short distance between you. Your breath left your lungs instantly as you reached up and lightly put your fingertips on the scruff on his cheek. His lips were softer than you imagined and you couldn’t stop the breathy whine that escaped from your throat. He took advantage of the tiny gap in your lips and slid his tongue across yours as he pulled you impossibly closer to him. Everything in that moment seemed to slow down and speed up at the same time and faster than you would have liked, he pulled away to catch his breath.

“What if that was your last first kiss?” He whispered as his gorgeous blue eyes stared into your soul. A smile pulled at the corner of your lips as you slid your fingertips up his cheek and laid your palm flat on his jaw.

“Then it was the best last first kiss I could ever wish for.” He smiled, leaned forward and gave you a chaste kiss. His mouth parted for him to say something but you cut him off. “Do you wanna come up? Not for sex, it’s just… well it’s probably gunna be a while until I see you again and I wouldn’t mind falling asleep with you at least once.”

“I think I can agree to that. Your mom won’t mind?” You shrugged as you forced your eyes off his and glanced at the clock on the dash. A mischievous smile spread across your cheeks as you looked back at him as innocently as possible.

“She’s still out so she won’t have much say to it if we accidentally fall asleep watching a movie. If anything, she wakes us up when she comes back and tells you it’s time to go.” He chuckled and kissed your nose.

“I like the way you think, darling.” You giggled as you sat back and started collecting your things again.

“I have to admit, I am an evil genius sometimes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your heart pounded in your chest a little harder than normal as you meandered through the hundreds of people at La Guardia airport. You couldn’t help but nervously bite your bottom lip and you pushed your glasses up your nose as you gripped the strap of your purse so tight, your knuckles were white. At that precise moment, you couldn’t put your finger on why you thought flying to New York three days after Christmas for New Years was a good idea. Sure, you were seeing your boyfriend for the first time in almost two months but that didn’t stop you from being anxious with so many people around.

“(Y/N)!” You looked over toward the familiar voice and a wave of relief washed over you. You couldn’t help but giggle as you ran over and jumped into David’s arms. He laughed as he wrapped his arms around your waist and hugged you tight. “You’re here.” You nodded as you buried your face in his neck with a smile.

“Finally.” With a nod of understanding and agreement, he set you down on the ground and gave you a passionate yet chaste kiss.

“Fuck… even though I talk you every day on the phone, I didn’t realize how much I was going to miss being away from you.” He kissed you once more before lacing his fingers with yours and leading you toward the baggage claim carrousel. “Good flight?” You nodded and leaned into his side as you walked.

“Long. First class is interesting though.” You glanced up at him with a smile as you bumped his ribs with your shoulder. “You didn’t need to spoil me like that.”

“I can, and I will when I want to.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes as you came to a stop in front of the carrousel. You put your arm around his waist and rested your head on his side as you sighed a content sigh. “Sooo I have to confess something.”

“Is this going to be a regular occurrence with you?” You teased as you glanced up at him through your lashes. He ignored you as he rubbed his hand up and down your arm.

“My mom really wants to meet you. She’s a little jealous that I’ve already met your mom and she says that’s just not fair… so she made my dad stay in town an extra day so she could and I wasn’t allowed to tell you.” You picked your head up slowly and turned toward him. He smirked and looked up at the ceiling to avoid your scrutiny.

“Really? David, I’m in a button down, flannel shirt that’s two sizes too big that I think has a small hole in the back, yoga pants and Ugg boots that don’t match my outfit. I don’t even have make up on, my contacts are in the bottom of my luggage and my hair…”

“So they gets to see the real ‘you’ and not you trying to impress them.” He interrupted. “Trust me, they’re gunna love you.” You growled as you grabbed your battered, teal suitcase off the carrousel as it passed.

“Please tell me they’re at least waiting at your house so I can have a cigarette and put some…”

“You can have a cigarette but no to the make up because you’re even more beautiful without it.” You sighed and shook your head as he took the suitcase handle out of your hand. “You worry to much, (Y/N).”

“You at least looked good when you met my mother.” You reminded him as you laced your fingers with his free hand. You glanced up at him quickly and smiled. “Then again, a little make up…” He gently hit your side with his wrist and the two of you chuckled.

“Smart ass.” You waited until you got in his car to smoke and ended up chain smoking three during the drive. Your boyfriend simply laughed at you as you bombarded him with questions about his parents and checked your appearance in the mirror at least ten times.

“Baby, calm down.” He laughed as he reached over and closed the visor as he pulled up in front of his building. “You’re starting to make me nervous.”

“Yea, you only get one first impression with your boyfriend’s parents, sweetheart. Sorry for being nervous.” He sighed as he pulled up to the curb and put his car in park.

“I have faith that my mother will love you as much as your mother loves me.” He reached across the middle and gently grabbed your chin so he could turn you to look at him. “If I didn’t think you could charm the pants off of them, I would have told her she had to wait. But I know she’s going to love you as much as I… i-yee-yiii…” Your breath caught in your throat and your eyes widened. You could see the slight hint of panic in his eyes as and awkward blanket began to settle over the car. “Shit.”

“I love you, too.” You said gently with a reassuring nod of your head.

“Oh, thank God.” He pulled your chin toward him a little roughy and crashed his lips to yours. You smiled against his lips as you cupped his jaw in your hand. He pulled back and sighed with a smile on his face. “I love you. Not the way I wanted to tell you but I said it first, ya hear?” You rolled your eyes as he kissed you once more and turned off his car.

“Yea, yea.” When he got out of the car, you took the opportunity to check your reflection in the mirror once more. With a sigh, you pulled the two sides of the messy bun on the top of your head and flipped the visor up. You grabbed your purse and stepped out into the freezing New York air with a shiver. “Damn, could it be any colder?”

“Oh, this is nothing.” David laughed as he gestured to his building. “It’s supposed to drop at least ten degrees between now and the New Year.”

“Well then I ain’t going outside for that. I like my ass right where it is not froze off. Oh!” You glanced back over your shoulder with a smirk as your boyfriend’s eyes trailed up from where he just swatted at your ass to your eyes.

“Yea, I like it there, too.” You told him to behave as you stepped aside and let him and your suitcase into the building in front of you. He chuckled to himself as he headed upstairs and paused as he got to his front door. “Just be yourself, OK. They aren’t staying long.” You nodded and took a deep, steadying breath as you ran your hands nervously down the front of your shirt. He bent over and kissed your forehead lightly before opening the door. “We’re back!”

“Oh yay! Finally!” You smiled at the woman who came around the corner from what you had to assume was the living room as you set your purse down on the ground by the door. Karen paused and put her hand on her heart as she glanced up at her son. “Oh, David. Those pictures you showed me do this woman no justice.” Your face flushed bright red as she walked the rest of the way over and gave you a tight hug. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, (Y/N). I’ve heard so many good things about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well. All I’ve heard is all the terrible, rotten things a son says about his mother.” She laughed as she put her arm around your shoulder with a nod.

“With this giant brat, that doesn’t surprise me one bit. Come, let’s get you out of the foyer and get you warmed up.” You glanced over your shoulder at your boyfriend and he simply smiled and nodded. With a smile, you let Karen lead you into the living room so she and Jon could grill you and get to know you before they had to leave that night.

Part 3

[filmfanatic82]

Anything

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10889763/chapters/24202305

Chapter 1

So this is how Trini’s life is going to end.

At 16 years old. In some remote, unmarked cavern. Lying amongst mounds of debris and rubble with a million plus year old, green glowing, freakazoid’s hands wrapped around her neck.

Trini could think of more than a few better ways to go, but at least she isn’t going to die a virgin.

A silver lining, right?

“TRINI!!!” Kimberly screams reverberate throughout the cavern.

Trini immediately snaps out of her thoughts. She glances over at Kimberly, battered and bruised beyond recognition, and instantly feels the cracks start to spread across her heart.

Trini knew as soon as Billy had began to walk her and Zack through the game plan, that this wasn’t going to be easy. Physically… Emotionally… Even mentally.  It was going to be nothing short of a gauntlet.

But, then again, nothing about being a teenaged superhero is ever easy. So why should this moment be any different?

Now, though, having to fully accept the look of pain and confusion on Kimberly’s face, Trini finally understood why.

This moment is different because of Kimberly.

Trini eyes dart across the cavern and hone in on Zack. They exchange a brief, unspoken look of uncertainty. There’s a big likelihood that this could be the end but neither of them can dwell on that now.

“Get her outta here!”

“But--” Zack hesitates, clearly torn on what to do. It’s taking every ounce of willpower not to ignore Trini’s instructions and jump into action.

The hands wrap tighter. Trini squirms, bucking her body in a last ditch attempt to get some sort of leverage to gain an upper hand. But it’s of little use. She’s pinned.

“NOW ZACK!”

Zack blinks back his tears and swallows his ever growing emotions. He gives Trini a firm, reassuring nod and then without another moment’s hesitation wraps his arms around Kimberly.

“Aye aye, Crazy Girl.”

“What? No! No! We can’t just leave her!!!” Kimberly screams out in a full blown panic as the realization of what’s about to occur sets in. She thrashes against Zack’s body, using every ounce of strength she has left to try and break free.

Kimberly isn’t going anywhere without a fight.

“It’s gonna be okay, Princess. Promise.” Trini flashes Kimberly a half-smirk, half-smile and then forces herself to look away. She knows that if she doesn’t, then she won’t be able to go through with what needs to happen next.

“Do it Billy,” Zack yells into his wrist communicator.

“Trini! No! I… I love--” Kimberly’s words cut out as the sound of teleporter echoes throughout the cavern.

Trini glances back just in time to see both Zack and Kimberly de-materialize into thin air. A momentary sense of relief washes over her.

Kimberly is safe.

And for now… nothing else seems to matter.

“Any last words?”

////////////////

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

///////////////

“Stop squirming,” Kimberly reminds Trini for the umpteeth time while repositioning her head back down.

POP.

The all too familiar sound of the clippers coming to life fills the bedroom.

Trini should be used to this. Kimberly has been “volunteering” to clean up her undercut on a weekly basis now for well over a month. Every Thursday afternoon during their after school study sessions.

And why does the word “volunteering” deserve air quotes? Because it really isn’t volunteering at all… No, it’s more like a well rehearsed play.

One where Kimberly starts off by making an indirect comment on why Trini never wears her hair up… which then naturally leads to Trini putting up her hair… which triggers Kimberly to offer to clean up her undercut… which somehow always results in Trini sitting in the middle of her bedroom, towel draped around her shoulders while Kimberly works her magic.

Every Thursday. Just like clockwork.

And why? Simple. Because Trini can’t say no to Kimberly.

“Am not,” Trini grumbles back under her breath. She lets out a nervous sigh and then tucks her chin down into her chest. “What’s taking so long, anyways?”

“Thought I’d try something new.”

“New?” Trini voice slightly cracks as she chokes down a breath of air.

“Yeah,” Kimberly hums in response. She gently guides Trini’s head to the side and re-adjusts her grip on the clippers. “I saw this awesome undercut design on my instagram feed yesterday. Kinda looked like a mandala. But not as intricate.”

“A man-what?”

“A mandala. It’s a Hindu symbol. You know that painting that’s across from the bathroom in my house? That’s a mandala.”

“You’re carving a hand into the back of my head?!” Trini’s voice jumps up an octave as panic sets in.

“Yes. Along with my initials,” Kim quipped. “Now hold still or I’m gonna fuck it up.”

Trini tries to remind herself to breathe. In through her nose and then out through her mouth. And again… And again…

All she needs to do is keep breathing.

“What? No snarky comeback?” Kimberly turns off the clippers and then brushes her fingers over Trini’s newly shorn nape, admiring her handiwork. A small, but noticeable smile crawls across her lips.

Trini catches sight of Kimberly’s smile in the mirror on the wall directly across from her and can’t help but match it.

God, that smile… It’s fastly becoming Trini’s favorite sight in the whole entire world.

“I like to leave you guessing, Princess.”

Kimberly lets a chuckle slip. “Ah, that’s better. Knew you couldn't hold back for long.”

Kimberly unties the towel around Trini’s shoulders and starts to go about cleaning up.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Riiiight.”

Trini gets up from the chair and makes her way across the room towards the mirror. She takes a moment, letting her fingers trace over the design.

The lines weave their way up Trini’s neck, crisscrossing over each other to create a simplistic yet beautiful pattern.

It’s nothing short of badass and she knows it.

“So?” Kimberly comes up from behind Trini, playfully twirling one of her fingers around a loose strand of Trini's ponytail. “What do you think?”

“Not bad.” Trini shrugs with her signature cocky smirk.

“Really? That’s it? Not bad?”

“I’ve seen better.”

Kimberly shakes her head and rolls her eyes at Trini in half annoyment and half amusement. “I think the words you’re looking for is thank you.”

Trini takes one more look in the mirror, then reaches up and pulls out her ponytail, completely hiding any traces of her undercut whatsoever.

“C’mon. Can’t you leave it up? Just for a little bit?” Kimberly finishes tucking away her tools within Trini’s desk drawer.

“No can do. My mom would so lose her shit if she knew about this.” Trini settles down on the bed and pretends to dive back into where they left off in their bio textbook.

Kimberly plops herself down next to Trini and begins to run her fingers through Trini’s wavy locks.

“You should let me cut it shorter.”

“No.” Trini immediately grows tense as her internal walls skyrocket upwards. She doesn’t want to have this conversation. Not now and definitely not with Kimberly. “What part of my mom will lose her shit did you not understand?”

An uncomfortable silence seeps in between them as Trini waits for Kimberly’s response… but it doesn’t come. Not yet.

Instead, Kimberly’s eyes hone in on Trini, ever so carefully boring tiny holes within walls.

Those eyes… Trini can’t help but wonder how someone could have eyes like that. Eyes that seem to be able to penetrate one’s soul with just a single, solidarity glance.

Eyes that no matter how hard she tries, Trini can’t seem to hide from.

“But what do you want?” Kimberly finally responds with nothing more than a whisper.

Such a simple question and yet, Trini finds herself utterly tongue tied. She doesn’t even know where to start. There’s just too many ways to answer it.

Trini wants to be able to get dressed in the morning and not feel like she’s letting her mother down simply by choosing to wear a pair of baggy jeans over a skirt. She wants to be able to hold someone’s hand without feeling like she’s being judged by everyone around her. To be able to call someone her girlfriend without living in fear of the ramifications that that one word might bring…

No. Scratch that. Trini doesn’t want to call just anyone her girlfriend. She wants to call one specific person her girlfriend… but that’s just some pipe dream better left for late night “what if” thoughts.

Kimberly Hart is straight. Straighter than straight. She’s the cheerleading, popular, date the most alpha male athlete, sorta straight.  

Kimberly Hart would never be more than just a friend no matter how much Trini wishes for it.

Trini abruptly sits up and moves off of the bed, putting space between herself and Kimberly. It’s the only thing she can do in the moment in order to maintain some sort of front.  

“It doesn’t matter.”

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Trini zig-zags her way down the semi-crowded hallway, trying her best to blend into the background. She’s come to learn that it’s easier this way. To just keep her head down and be invisible.

If they can’t see her, then they can’t single her out.

“Hey Trini! Wait up.” Jason shouts as he emerges from amongst the crowd. He jogs over in an attempt to catch up with Trini.

Trini lets out a sigh and slows down.

So much for being invisible.

It’s not like Trini doesn’t like Jason. Well, at first, maybe just a little bit… but now, after everything they’ve been through, she can’t help but see him as the big brother she never had.

What Trini can’t stand is the way that Jason manages to call attention to things. Of course, in a brotherly, “I’m just looking out for you” sorta way, but none the less, it’s still annoying.

Even months later and Trini’s still not used to people even acknowledging her, let alone having impromptu conversations in the hallways.

“Sup,” Trini mumbles while fiddling with the straps of her backpack.

“You’re still on for this afternoon? I know you said you were, but wanted to double check.”

Trini nods in response. She shifts from foot to foot, trying her best not to look too awkward.

“Good. Zordon mentioned something the other day about sensing some sort of shift in the energy levels. Could be nothing, but figure some extra training couldn’t hurt, right?”

“Right.”

“Cool. I’m gonna--” Jason gets cut off as a freakishly large, ponytail clad boy, knocks into his shoulder. His hand immediately shoots up, rubbing the spot of contact. “Geez.”

“Yo! Watch where you’re going, asshole.” Trini shouts after the boy and then turns her attention back to Jason. “You okay?”

“Yeah. All good.”

“Who was that?”

Jason cranes his neck around, trying to get a better look, but it’s of little use. The boy has already disappeared back into the sea of students.

“Not sure. Maybe Teddy? Or Tommy? Think he’s new here.”

The bell rings, cutting through the steady chatter of the hallway. Students start to scatter, all heading to their respective classes.

“Catch ya later?” Jason flashes Trini a smile and then takes off down the hallway at a slightly exaggerated jog.

“Yeah. Later.”

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Gym class.

The two words that Trini has come to dread with a fiery passion in her short time at Angel Grove High. It isn’t the actual class itself she hates. Ironically-- or not so ironically depending on how it’s looked at-- she loves sports.

What Trini hates about gym class, though, is the before and after portions… specifically, the locker room portions.

“Alright, Ladies. Hurry it up. Everyone needs to be out on the bleaches in the next five.”

Trini sits on the bench, in the middle of the locker room, still fully dressed. Unlike the girls around her, she makes no attempt to change whatsoever.

“Ugh. Stop staring at me!” Amanda voice carries a bit too much over the semi-crowded room.

Trini doesn’t have to look up to know that the comment is directed at her. It’s always directed at her…

“Wasn’t starin’,” Trini mumbles while keeping her eyes fixated on the lockers in front of her. “And even if I was, it’s not like you’ve got much worth starin’ at anyways.”

A chorus of snickers erupt from those within earshot. It’s a somewhat low blow, and Trini knows it.

“Fucking dyke.”

Trini automatically straightens herself up at these words. She slowly rises from the bench, locking eyes with Amanda.

Deep, down inside, Trini knows she should just let it go. That any move she makes next, with the exception of walking away, will only lead to trouble.  

But Trini can’t just let it go…

“Say it again,” Trini growls in response. Her hands clench into fists, channeling the rage coursing through her veins.

Amanda takes a step closer, never once taking her eyes off of Trini. She isn’t planning on backing down either.

“I said, you’re a fucking dyke.”

Trini start to lunge at Amanda--

“Gomez! My office NOW,” echoes throughout the locker room, bringing everyone to a crashing halt. Busted.

A victorious smirk crawls across Amanda’s face. “Yeah Gomez. Her office.”

With that, Amanda and her lackeys make their way out of the locker room.

Trini collapses back onto the bench, runs her hands through her hair and lets out a frustrated sigh. “Fuck.”

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

“Again Alpha 5.” Trini calls out, while stretching her neck from side to side.

It has been three hours… Three hours since Trini has gotten another month of Saturday detention thanks to her little run in with Amanda.

Three hours of running the training simulation over and over again. Regardless of how many frantic “But Master Trini…” warnings Alpha 5 chirps at her.

Three hours of pummeling virtual putties again… and again… and again…

“But Master Trini, your hand--”

“AGAIN!” Trini cuts Alpha 5 off with a burst of pent up anger.  

Alpha 5 scurries out of the pit, not wanting to stick around for Trini’s full wrath.

Trini gets herself into her ready stance, itching for another round.

Trini knows that she should probably stop.

Her left hand throbs with a white hot pain that she’s come to learn over the past few months signifies that something is broken. Most likely it’s her knuckles but possibly her wrist as well. Too hard to tell at the moment…   

“What are you doing?” Jason emerges from the top of the pit.

“Bakin’ cookies.”

Jason makes his way down into the pit and approaches Trini. He instantly spots the state of her left hand and grows concerned.

“We aren’t supposed to train alone. You know that.”

“Yeah well I needed the practice,” Trini mumbles with a shrug.

“You okay?”

An awkward silence falls between the two of them as Jason patiently waits for Trini to respond.

But Trini can’t seem to find the words. Instead, she shifts from side to side, growing more and more uncomfortable in her own skin with each and every passing second.

“Holy shit, your hand!” Kimberly’s voice cuts through the silence.

Trini closes her eyes and lets out a light sigh. “Shit.”

Kimberly scrambles down into the pit and immediately makes a beeline towards Trini. She takes hold of Trini’s left hand, bringing it upwards into the light for a better view.

There’s no denying it… it’s bad.

“Trini…”

“I’m fine.” Trini attempts to free her hand from Kimberly’s grasp, but it’s of little use. Kimberly’s not letting go.

“No, you’re not. Jase, go get the medkit. Billy stashed it away in the bunk room. Next to the desk.”

“On it.”

Jason takes off, out of the pit, leaving Kimberly alone with Trini.

Kimberly leads Trini over towards a nearby pile of boulders and directs her to sit down. She squats down, taking a closer look at Trini’s mangled hand. “What happened?”

“Nuthin’” Trini manages to respond, unable to bring herself to look Kimberly in the eyes. She knows that once she does… it’s all over. Trini won’t be able to keep up her facade.

Kimberly, though, isn’t buying it. She reaches out and ever so carefully lifts Trini’s chin with her fingertips.

“Hey. Look at me.”

Trini swallows thickly and with what little courage her has left, opens her eyes.

And that’s all it takes. Trini feels the cracks start to spread across her walls. She can’t resist those rich chocolate orbs staring back at her.

“That’s better.” Kimberly smiles. “Where were you after school? I swung by at your locker after English but you never showed.”

“I bounced early.”

“Rough day?” Kimberly tucks a loose strand of hair behind Trini’s ear.

“You could say that.” Trini exhales.

“Well let’s change that, shall we?”

Kimberly reaches in and plants a tender kiss on Trini’s cheek.  

And at that very moment, Trini realizes just how utterly fucked she really is. There’s no denying it nor trying to hide from the truth any longer…

Trini is head over heels in love with Kimberly Hart.

[strawbnie]

sunrise, handwriting, grunge, love

hi hello i love u so much what’s up

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

this one left me at a total and complete loss because, where to even start and then so many ideas flooded my brain it was pleasantly overwhelming but i settle on:“(at times i also hear the wind blow by,and find that merely to hear the wind blow makes it worth having been born)”which, even right now, as i type, makes me kind of, cry? just a bit. There are so many quotes i know of that mean so much to me that i know i’ll go “ShIT FUCK WHY DIDN’T I MENTION THAT ONE” when i remember them. But this one is one of them. I don’t know how to describe what it means to me without being redundant so i’m just going to say that for someone like me, someone who’s caught up in having to fill all their silences with words, sometimes still sees pauses as lack of speech, or stillness as lack of action - instead of a different kind of music, a different kind of act - the reminder and way of life of. Just being. Just being, experiencing, a single moment of existing is worth being alive, is the most beautiful earthshattering concept. 

(the quote is from Fernando Pessoa)

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

what a viscerally disturbing thing to have to plan out, i don’t think i’d like the idea of having Planned my last words alkdjflafjd but i don’t wanna cheat out of this answer either so i’d probably ask my mom. I’d. I’d tell her that i love her, and i’d ask for her to tell everyone i know exactly how i feel about them. Because she knows. She’d know. I’d ask for her not to be afraid. I’d ask for her to live her life with as much zeal and twinkle and magic and optimism as she taught me to live my own. But i’m not sure all that fits into one sentence.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

i have a few answers to this:

i’d love to receive the letters jari sent to me that the post office garbled up like a goddam snacc

hogwarts, obviously bitch tf ( - or, alternatively, beauxbatons?? their curriculum has so much MORE stuff to explore within this universe)

my uni of choice telling me the Dean had a fever dream that told them they must instantly accept me without having to go through the audition process and with all my tuition and housing fees tended to without worries because the gods have communicated my untapped potential that mustn’t go to waste?????????????? Pls @ universe im looking at u come thru

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

i know why u sent this and it warms me to my fucking heart god i love u so much. Of course i have. Of course i have, you know this. It’s happened more than once, but not as often as a lot of people think. It’s different each time. I’m in love right now. You know this too. I feel like i’d be a fool to try and describe what it’s like, poets and artists and geniuses before me haven’t quite managed it, i feel like it’s that one quote from Paterson? that i read today. “poetry in translation is like taking a shower with a raincoat on”, or something like that. and i feel like an emotion as strong as this?????? is like??? a poem of its own????? and trying to explain it never works. god i’m so sappy was i always this sappy???? pls tell me kat what happened to the illusion of toughness i had, pls,but yeah. realising you’re in love. god that’s. I don’t know. It’s like a steady hum. Have you ever been to a concert? Or a party. Stood near the amplifiers or speakers where the bass comes out and. Felt it thump low in your stomach? That’s what it’s like. It’s like eating a lot of marshmallows and wondering why your tummy feels so full and why your heart is beating so fast. It’s like. Idk man it’s like. sleeping in the world’s most comfortable bed and it’s also sky diving with no parachute from the tallest mountain. Fuck, u know?? it’s great it’s so great kat

asks from this post

[myaekingheart]

I forget what night these first two were from because I didn't jot them down but whatever, they happened, so here goes.

I dreamed that I was on this gorgeous island with my boyfriend, my parents, my grandmother, and my cousin and his wife. We all met up at this gorgeous beach-- it was the typical paradise scene with crystal clear water and bright blue skies and soft sand. The whole enchilada. My boyfriend and I wade up to the shoreline to meet with everyone, a typical small talk conversation ensues. My cousin asks me about how college is going (because apparently college just obviously has to infiltrate every one of my dreams these days) and I forget what I answered but we were conversing for a bit before somehow the nonsense term "jiboot" weaseled it's way in??? My cousin used it in one of his sentences, then paused for a moment before shaking his head and saying I probably wouldn't understand. I think he mentioned it was some military term I wouldn't know or whatever. Either way, not important. Then my mom comes up to me with this kitten and says it's for us (my boyfriend and I). I forget what the kitten looked like but this was definitely a world where both Tex and Topaz existed because I remember thinking how cute this little guy was but thinking to myself that now we'd have double the cats (even though that math doesn't add up) and feeling as if I couldn't possibly accept him but having no idea how I could possibly find it in me to turn him down.

The second dream I actually know I had completely forgotten about upon waking up. There was this vague feeling of it left behind but I couldn't for the life of me remember the specifics until later in the day. I was in this massive warehouse art supply/consignment store searching for things to use in piecing together Rapunzel's little blue shoulder bag from Tangled: The Series. I had this very vivid screenshot in my head of what it looked like from the latest episode (The Search for Varian, not The Alchemist Returns) that I was using as reference, and I remember finding the perfect strap for the bag but could not for the life of me find anything else of decent quality to thrift. My only issue with this dream was that once I remembered it, I realized how badly I actually would like to make Rapunzel's bag and then discovered it was harder than I imagined to find some quality screencaps of the full thing online. I don't know, either way, this dream wasn't inherently bad nor great. It was just kind of there.

Night of December 13th:

I had another dream about pregnancy again. Nothing really too specific to note, because I didn't write any specifics down on my little memo thing. I guess just that I was at the hospital with my boyfriend in labor or whatever. There were probably some vivid, sappy scenes of the two of us per usual. I feel like this one was especially vivid, like I remember it feeling particularly real and detailed, but I mean, other than that, I don't think it was anything all too different from previous incarnations of this same theme.

Actually, the more that I think about it now, the more I remember something about the labor dream being that I wasn't actually far enough along and they sent me and my boyfriend home and I was really disgruntled about this, and then I think it transitioned into this next dream, which I seemed to remember much more clearly. The two of them actually kind of blended together at certain parts to the point where I don't even remember which actually came first but whatever. They both happened. I have the pieces to the puzzle, just not the reference image.

In the second dream, my boyfriend and I found out our apartment was actually somehow a large house in the fictional next development over. The house in my dream actually reminded me more of my boyfriend's old apartment than anything, though there were certain aspects of the interior more than anything that didn't look familiar at all. I was standing in the backyard with my parents and grandparents (my deceased grandpa made another appearance here) and we were all having some sort of now-hazy conversation with the neighbors. Then suddenly my grandparents were sitting on this back patio and this hyper pitbull appeared from one of the neighbor's houses and began running around like a maniac, leaping over my grandparents' laps while they're sitting there just minding their own business and enjoying themselves. I remember the pitbull was white with brown patches, and the patio furniture was the same as the one my parents gave me from their own patio, and my grandmother was very displeased with the whole dog interaction (she's not a huge dog person. She's not a huge animal person in general, honestly). The neighbor who owned the dog was standing on this top balcony of his house, like it was a very small balcony that almost seemed like it was off of the attic from how close to the peak of the roof it was. My grandma made some bizarre Christmas Story related joke up to him, which I don't remember and it probably isn't even a real pun about the movie in the first place (mainly because my mind in-dream said Christmas Story even though the more I think about it, I connected the reference in my head to Christmas Vacation like I heard the joke in my dream and my brain slapped the label Christmas Story on it but saw Clark Griswold. I don't know). There was also something later on in this dream about cleaning out or rearranging the pantry. I remember being in a kitchen, not my kitchen but some very 70s-ish looking kitchen kind of to the vibe of Napoleon Dynamite. The most compelling thing about this was the presence of two long, narrow plastic bags in the back of the cabinet. One looked like assorted cheese puffs and the other looked like lemonheads and pieces of red pepper mixed together. The cheese puffs are completely inexplicable but the lemonheads and red pepper at least I know are references to the leftover pizza I ate that night, which had pineapple and red peppers on it. These little gift bags, so to speak, were also the reason why I felt as if this dream was connected to the labor one, because I remember seeing those bags and thinking of this stranger who I'm positive appeared in the aforementioned birth dream. There was a hazy scene there about my encountering this old man while I was in the hospital, who I vaguely recognized as this old man I met on an airplane back in 2015. I remember he started up a conversation with me somehow (I feel like I was still in my hospital bed, and he was a patient but I don't remember him a hospital gown but rather like this tweed suit and hat, maybe with a cane??? Don't quote me on the cane, that's just speculation) and while I don't remember what all was said, specifically, I remember it being really inspirational and heartwarming. Almost like a motivational thing about timing, like all things will work out in their own time, and hard work, working towards your goals, never giving up on your goals despite setbacks or whatever. I see how this could've tied into the whole labor thing considering later on in the dream, I was discharged for not being far enough along (how they even accepted me into the hospital is beyond me but then again, this is dream logic. It doesn't have to make sense). It was as we were leaving the hospital that I remember peering into an empty room and learning that that old man had died later that day, though I almost remember seeing a hazy ghost-like visage of him standing there. Either way, this struck me considerably hard. I couldn't believe that such a kind and inspiring old man passed away so shortly after I had spoken with him, when he seemed as if he was very lively and doing well. Not gonna lie, when I remembered this upon waking up, I got the worst feeling my gut that the man I had met on that plane a few years back who I'm pretty positive was, at the very least, the inspiration behind this guy, had passed away in reality but I don't remember his name so I can't even look him up on facebook and check to be extra sure. But anyways, fast forward back to cleaning out or rearranging the pantry. I remember seeing those little gift bags of strange snacks and instantly thinking of this man, fondly and in remembrance, so perhaps he had given them to me? Though I don't remember him handing me anything of the sort, but either way, they made me think of him and filled me with this tender sadness that you can only get when you discover an old, wise acquaintance has passed away. You distantly grieve their death but still think fondly upon the kind words of wisdom and experience that they bestowed upon you. The man I met on the plane was actually the same way. We had barely spoken during the entire flight but as we were nearing our destination, he began a conversation with me saying of how he had enjoyed watching me draw during the entire flight and he was just overall very sweet and encouraging and it was honestly so heartwarming. This wasn't very long after my grandpa had died but I saw pieces of him in this stranger man and it kind of made me want to cry. It almost felt as if my grandpa was speaking to me through him at certain points, which I know makes no sense but it was still very heartwarming regardless. I'm surprised this man kind of showed up in my dream in one form or another, though, because I've hardly thought of him in the past few years since. It makes me even more concerned about whether he did actually die in real life or not but what bothers me most is that I will never know because I cannot for the life of me remember his name. I guess the only thing I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best.

[uta-no-knb]

Aggressive [KiyoshixReaser] R18

For my birthday, wrote me a Kiyoshi x OC lemon in her story “Anime Lemon One Shots”. This one-shot is the same lemon, just written in Kiyoshi’s point of view. Yes, I have asked Levi if I could do this and she gave me her permission.

You can find the URL to the one-shot here

https://www.wattpad.com/140787845-anime-lemon-one-shots-happy-birthday-agressive

There is no specific order to read them in-but since it was her idea originally I suggest reading her’s first

Warning: THIS CONTAINS STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT! IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE OR INTERESTED IN SEXUAL SCENES, PLEASE TURN BACK NOW!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was just another day at practice; Riko driving us to our limits, Izuki with all of his puns, the constant “Izuki, go die” from our captain and Kuroko appearing out of no where, scaring the living daylights out of us-you know, you would think we would be used to this by now. Oh, and if this wasn’t annoying enough, crowds and crowds of fangirls have been invading the gym.

Why are there so many fangirls? It’s all because of the blond, copycat known as Kise Ryouta, the ace of Kaijo. Lately, the blond has been appearing every day at our school; and to make matters worse, he’s always with my girlfriend, Hikaru. And like always, she was off with him outside of the gym talking to him.

Every. Damn. Day. I have to deal with this every day. And to make matters worse for me, she attended a photoshoot with him; not just any photoshoot, a “romantic photoshoot”.

The day after I saw the picture, she assured me it was nothing, that it was just a photo (“Teppei-kun. There is nothing going on between me and Kise. I love you and only you”). While she’s constantly assuring me with this information, I can’t help but get this vibe that there is something going on between them; that they do have a relationship.

“Teppei,” a voice said, bring me out of my thoughts. Looking behind me, I saw Riko.

“Oh, Riko,” I said, acknowledging the female with a smile. “What’s up?”

“You doing okay?” she asked. “You’ve been out of it again.”

“Ah, yea,” I replied, scratching my chin. “Sorry, Riko.”

The brunette let out a sigh. “You thinking about Hikaru and Kise again, aren’t you.”

Well, I was busted. “Yea. I swear, there is a relationship between them. Riko, I’m scared she’s cheating on me.”

“Hika-chan wouldn’t do that to you, Teppei,” she said, with a reassuring me with a smile. “She loves you. She’s always telling me that.”

“Still, I have no idea how to deal with this-” I paused when I noticed the brunett looking at me with a mischievous smirk on her face.

“I have an idea,” she said, her smirk widening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Next Day-Practice)

I walked into the gym, being the first one there out of the locker room, and just like yesterday, Hikaru was walking towards the doors to the exit of the gym, while talking to Kise.

Turning around to make sure that the others were still changing, I walked over to the door and started to listen.

“Ryouta, how many times have I told you not you show up randomly in my school!?”

“B-but Hika-chii! Kasamatsu-Senpai said practice was cancelled and I had nothing to do…”

The captain of Kaijo cancelled practice? That’s not typical…

“What will Teppei and the team think? You come here every single fucking day!!! Do you want them to find out?”

Even she was getting irritated? Interesting. I found myself smiling a bit.

“You’re gonna go in there and say you’re visiting Kuroko understand?”

“Fine. But if my fan girls find out and they start suspecting I’m in a relationship with Kurokochii you will be responsible, Hika-chii.”

I heard him start to walk into the gym. My eyes widened as I quickly scrambled back from the door and started practicing free throws

Instantly I heard screams of the awaiting fan girls, the same ones who have been showing up every day in hopes the blond idiot would come-I swear, these girls are like ninjas; they pop out of no where!

“KUROKO-CHII~!” He exclaimed, immediately hugging the startled Kuroko in a bone crushing hug.

….I don’t know what the hell he’s doing, but I think he’s trying to make himself appear gay. Apparently, Hikaru was thinking the same thing, for she was just shaking her head in disbelief.

He continued lifting Kuroko off the ground and then I noticed something that really irked me; I saw him wink at her, everytime he looked in her direction. I heard the fangirls beginning to make up shipping names about them, which really got my blood boiling..

“Oi! Teppei! Let’s go!” Hyugga exclaimed, grabbing my attention.

“Right,” I said, walking towards the others.

I think I’ll do what Riko suggested today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Bye guys! Something came up I have a modeling job at 4! Ja ne~”

I couldn’t help but notice the smirk that he gave Hikaru as the cocky blonde walked out the gym his hands stuffed in his pockets.

I noticed that his fangirls followed suit and figured I’d take this chance to begin my quest. I heard a sigh come from her lips.

I gave Riko a look and when she gave me a look in return, I snuck out of the gym.

However, I couldn’t help but wonder, ….what was she so damn relieved about?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Meanwhile, back at the gym…)

“I guess we’ll end practice here, everyone come early tomorrow we’ll have a short practice before school starts.” The team nodded, slowly filing out as Hikaru waited by the locker room for Teppei to come out.

“Hika-san, who are you waiting for?”

The female glanced at the owner of the voice, only to see Kuroko standing millimeters away from her face, him wearing his usual blank expression.

She resisted the urge to scream as she quickly jumped back in surprise. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m waiting for Teppei-kun. He’s the only one still in there changing right?”

The blank expression didn’t leave his face but there was a twinkle of confusion in his blank eyes.

“Kiyoshi-senpai left a couple minutes ago at the same time Kise-kuns fan girls left. He said there was an emergency at home.” I looked at him, this time I was the one utterly confused.

“Oh… Thanks Kuroko, I’ll go check on him tomorrow then. Oh yeah, sorry for leaving you as a scapegoat for Ryouta.” A gentle smile played on the invisible man’s face as he started walking away.

“It’s okay Hika-senpai, I’m sure you and Kise-kun can’t afford to let anyone else know why he comes to visit you so much.” And with that he was gone, like a summer breeze.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Back with Kiyoshi)

….Hikaru really needs to find a better hiding spot for the spare key to her house. There was a random rock in a mini field of mulch.

I unlocked the door and immediately began on the plan. Walking towards the stairs, I saw a sticky note that was left by her parents on the wall.

Hikaru,

This is just a reminder that your father and I are on a business trip and your older sisters are out of the country on a modeling job. You should already know that your brother has a modeling gig today and won’t be home until later.

Remember to lock up the house, and be safe until your brother comes home.

Love Mom and Dad.

One more thing, LEAVE THE VASE IN THE HALLWAY ALONE! IT IS NOT UGLY AND I WILL NEVER PART WITH IT!

I stared at the note in confusion. Hikaru has siblings? She never mentioned them. Then again, she never really talked about her family. I honestly-I will ask her about that later.

Shaking my head, I walked up the stairs and headed into her room. Walking in the hallway, I saw lots of family pictures. I will say that I now know where she got her looks. Right before I reached her room, I saw a picture on the wall that, once again made my blood boil.

It was a picture of her and Kise, at the beach in one of the romantic poses from that photoshoot. The images showed Kise, wearing baggy cargo shorts with a white tank top covered by an unbuttoned plaid shirt, giving Hikaru a piggy back ride; her hair being tousled in the wind.

A growl escaped my throat as I turned away and opened the door to her room - her name was etched in the door, so it was quite obvious, no?

Walking in, I turned on the television, making sure it was turned onto Supernatural - which, by all odds, had a marathon going on. I turned around to leave, only to be inspired by something. Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed several metal objects and slid them under her mattress.

As I walked back down the stairs, I took cover in a side closet, one that Riko assured me was never used (and she was right).

Moments later, I heard the front door unlock and knew that Hikaru was home. Opening the door a crack, I saw her strip out of her uniform and throw it into a laundry basket that was right in front of the closet.

I could feel my face slowly turn red as I imagined the kind of underwear that she had on. I shook my head, getting those thoughts out of my head.

Patience Teppei.

“Did I leave the tv on when I left this morning?” I heard her say, as she ran up the stairs to her room.

I chuckled a bit; I wouldn’t be surprised if she did leave it on.

The moment I heard the door to her room close, I emerged from the closet, trying to come up with a way to lure her downstairs. My eyes caught sight of the vase that one of her parents was fond enough. Making sure I had everything in place, I headed over there and knocked the vase over, a loud crash echoing throughout the house.

The door to her room opened and I immediately ran and hid in the living room. The entire time I was waiting, I couldn’t help but question what I was doing, only to remember that it was to remind her who she belongs too.

I pressed my back against the wall as I heard her come down the stairs. A gasp escaped her lips as she saw the shattered pieces of the vase all over the floor As she approached the vase, I noticed she didn’t have anything in her hands to use as a weapon (Quoting Levi_Love_Life, “No she didn’t think of getting the phone, what kind of story would this be if she was actually smart and got the phone like any sane person would”.)

I took this chance to make my move. The moment she let out a sigh of relief, I took out the gun and released the safety lock.

I notice her start to turn around. “Don’t turn around. If you do I will shoot,” I said, as a surprise gasp escaped from her lips. “I want you to take the bathrobe off slowly. If I sense a threat, I will shoot.”

She nodded before she untied the knot that held the robe in place, her fingers shaking as she did.

The moment I saw it fall on the floor, I couldn’t help but notice her figure, and I felt blood rush down south.

“Close your eyes shut and face the wall, and if you don’t comply I will shoot.”

She adjusted her position as I reached into my pockets and pulled out a blindfold. I placed the rough fabric over her eyes and slapped her on her butt. I placed the barrel of the gun against her back as I gave her the next command. “Turn around and climb up the stairs slowly, and once again, if you run I will shoot.”

With a nod, she complied and started to feel for the handrails as she walked one step at a time. To make sure that she didn’t trip, I gripped her shoulder, as I let out a chuckle, making sure that my breath tickled against her neck.

I figured this would be the best time to bring up her underwear.

“Judging by your underwear you were prepared for this weren’t you?” I realized that I let my voice slip a bit, but knowing her, she was a bit dense.

“God damn it Ryouta if you’re playing another prank on me stop now!” she yelled.

As I let out a growl, the hand that was on her shoulder moved and grasped her throat, banging her head against the wall. “What does Kise have to do with this? Is he your boyfriend?” I tried to keep my voice sounding calm, but I could hear a bit of anger in it.

She began to claw my arms, indicating that she was in dire need of air. I loosened my grip and let her legs touch the ground once again.

After that we climbed the rest of the stairs in silence. Once we reached her room, I locked the door and forced her onto her knees. I could feel her body stiffen. Pointing the gun at her head, I shrugged out of my shorts and boxers with my free hand, as my dick sprang up from its constrains.

“Suck,” I demanded, as I tangled my fingers into her hair, forcing her mouth onto my dick. A soft moan escaped my lips as I felt my dick in her warm cavern and made her take it in deeper.

Fuck. It feels so good.

I withdrew my dick from her mouth, as spit was spluttering out of her mouth, only to force it into her mouth once again. The only sounds that could be heard was the sound of her spluttering and saliva as her mouth encased my cock.

“Does Kise’s cock fill you up this nicely!? Huh!?” I growled. I could feel her try to shake her head, but I held her hair with a firmer grip.

I saw tears stream from under the blindfold, and I felt a hint of sympathy. I took my hand out of her hair and took the blindfold off. I didn’t want her knowing it was me just yet, so I made sure that I held the gun against her head.

“Don’t look up and keep your head down. Look at the cock you’re sucking. Is it good? Is it better than Kise’s? Huh!?”

I saw her nod, which angered me. I slapped her hard on the side of her head. “Didn’t you previously say he wasn’t your boyfriend? What a slut.”

I saw her shake her head to deny this claim, which I just ignored; I kept bobbing her head, making sure it met up with my thrusts.

I noticed that she stopped struggling and allowed me to continue penetrating her mouth. She was finally caving in. I looked down at her and I couldn’t help but drink in her appearance. Her tiny mouth taking in my cock, it made me harder; I know she felt it because a muffled gasp escaped from her throat.

It was then that I noticed the birthmark on my right thigh-and I mentally cursed. I knew she recognized the mark when, despite the fact I was holding the gun against her head, her hazel eyes met with my brown ones.

The way her eyes looked up at me, my dick started to twitch. I gripped the back of her head and rammed my cock deeper into her mouth, a pleasurable groan escaping my mouth.

“Oh fuck,” I moaned as she let out a startled gasp as my semen shot into her mouth.

“Swallow,” I demanded, as she nodded and swallowed my load.

The moment I took my dick out of her mouth, she started coughing. The moment she stopped coughing, she opened her mouth to say something; however, I took this opportunity to pick her up and throw her onto her bed. I had the gun pointed at her as another gasp escaped her lips.

“Strip.”

Her eyes widened as she looked me in the eyes, however, the typical happy gaze in her eyes was gone and was replaced with an unemotional one.

I growled, “Did you not hear me. I. Said. Strip.” I made sure I emphasized each word.

Her body tensed up as she began to unclip her bra, which uncovered her nice erect nipples. The moment she took off her lacy black panties - which was painfully slow if I may add-her cheeks turned red with embarrassment. With one look at her face, a smile appeared on my face as I realized why she was so embarrassed.

“So you were enjoying this?” I asked, narrowing my eyes as I saw that her entrance was dripping wet. “Maybe it’s because you thought I was Kise huh?”

She shook her head and I noticed her mouth started quivering. The moment she took a breath, my hand was instantly around her neck. “Save it,” I said, recieving a nod from her.

I got up slowly as I removed my shirt and kicked away my boxers and shorts. I heard her gulp and I knew it was at the sight of my erect penis. Her eyes widened in disbelief as I held the gun to her and gave my next set of directions.

“I want you to pleasure yourself.”

Immediately, she shook her head, only for me to unlock the safety from the gun.

She stopped shaking her head and began to nod. She placed her hand over her breast while she inserted two fingers into herself with the other hand. I noticed her looking away in embarrassment, and that was when I took out a second device; a camera.

I began taking pictures of her, as she continued to pleasure herself. The way she bit her lip to prevent her moans, and the lewd expressions she was making, made me get hard.

Switching the setting from photo to video, I approached her and zoomed up to get a close and better view of her fingers penetrating her entrance, making sure I got the squishing sounds as she got wetter.

As she bit her lip harder in embarrassment, I noticed her thighs starting to twitch.

And then it happened.

She came all over the camera, as a high pitched scream escaped her lips.

The white substance splattered onto the bedsheets, but most of it landed on the camera and my face. I chuckled as a smirk made its way across my face. Satisfied by what I saw, I licked my lips and placed the gun and the camera down on the nightstand, only to push her onto the bed. I crawled on top of her and pinned her arms above her, as I captured her lips in a hot and heated kiss. I felt her start to struggle and kick against my chest.

I know we were too young for this. She’s my kouhai, and I’m her senpai. We weren’t even 18 yet. However, I didn’t care. I needed to make her mine. I had to show her that she is mine.

“Teppei-kun, stop!” she exclaimed, as I broke the kiss.

This just turned me on more. Moving both of her arms into my right hand, I began to fondle her left breast, only for her to let out a surprise moan. “Why? So that Kise can beat me to it!?” The hand that I was using to fondle her breast left and plunged into her soaking wet entrance, causing a surprise gasp to escape her lips. “Not this time Hikaru! Fuck! You were publically cheating on me and you thought that I wouldn’t notice!?”

She turned away from me, which only exposed her neck. Angered by her ignoring me, I began to kiss and suck on her neck. While keeping my fingers thrusting in and out of her entrance, I reached under her mattress with my right hand and brought out what I had placed there earlier.

She watched my hand in curiosity as it snapped back up in lightning speed. Letting her left arm go, which she used to punch me, I cuffed her right arm and chained her to the metal railing on her headboard. I repeated the same action to her other wrist, which left her breasts exposed. I placed myself between her legs, making sure her legs were spread out wide.

I heard her wimper as I roughly inserted a third finger into her.

“Kiyoshi stop!” she squirmed, which only caused my fingers to dig deeper into her as she let out a scream.

“You don’t really want me to stop do you Hika-chan?” I asked with a sinister smirk. “You want me to continue pleasuring you because that’s the type of slut you are.”

Her eyes widened as she knew that I was right.

…Yet, there is a part of me telling me that I should stop. I definietly knew that my first time would go to Hikaru, but I don’t think she would’ve imagined it like this.

I felt my eyes soften as I saw her looking away in shame.

What was I doing to her? Why was I doing this? But still, she needs to learn.

“Thought so,” I said, pushing the “positive conscience thoughts” away.

Her eyes scrunched in pain every time I shoved my fingers in and out, even when I penetrated her with an irregular change of pace.

“Ugh! Stop!” she exclaimed, her please sounding like a combination between a moan and a scream.

I smirked as I knew she didn’t mean it. I can feel it, she wants this more than I did. The way her body was tightening around my fingers was a dead giveaway. I quickly stopped, which only caused her to look up at me with confusion. Her face was flustered; I knew she didn’t want me to stop, and I was going to give her what she wanted.

I began to align myself against her entrance as her eyes widened.

“SHIT!” she screamed, as I slammed into her. As I brought her hips upwards so I was completely inside of her, I felt something tear inside and when I looked down, I saw blood.

Did I just-

All logic left me as I heard a faint moan escape her lips. I started to thrust deeper and deeper into her, as screams escaped her lips. However, there was the occasional moan every time I hit her g-spot.

“You’re so tight, Hikaru,” I panted, gripping her hips tighter. Her moans got louder as her hips voluntarily arched up on their own.

“I’m…Close,” I muttered in-between breaths. I saw her shut her eyes as I continued to just thrust into her. As my thrusts got harder, her breasts started to move.

That was it; thats all it took.

“Shit!” I exclaimed, as I arched her hips upwards as her head arched back with one hard, final thrust. I came hard as I filled her with my semen.

After a few seconds, I leaned over her, kissing her as I uncuffed each of her limbs.

Once her limbs were free, I supported myself over her by placing my hands on either side of her head. My eyes were closed as I panted hard; it honestly felt like I had played two - no, three games in a row.

I slowly opened my eyes and stared at her panting form; her eyes staring up at mine in disbelief.

“Y-you-”

The moment those words escaped her lips, my eyes widened in shock.

“Wha-” I started as I sat back so I wasn’t hovering over her. “what have I done…” I covered my face with my hands as I got off her completely and sat at the foot of the bed, making sure that I was facing away from her.

“Teppei-”

I didn’t hear her. I couldn’t. I just-I did something horrible to her. I looked down at my hands in shame. “….Just because of my stupid jealousy…my jealousy of Kise…What have I done! Hika… I-I’m so sorry…” I heard my voice cracking and I could feel my eyes starting to tear up. I love her. I-I shouldn’t have done this to her.

Getting off of the bed, I went over to my discarded pants and boxers and put them on again. The moment I had finished putting my shorts on, I felt a set of arms wrap around my waist, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Teppei, please stop.” I heard her say in a soft voice, as I felt her face against my back. “I should’ve told you this as soon as the photos were released. You don’t have to be jealous. Ryouta is my twin brother.”

I stiffened. “What?” I asked, as I gently grabbed her wrists and unwrapped them from my waist, so I could turn to face her. “Your brother?”

She nodded. “Yea. My name is Kise Hikaru. Those photos of the two of us. The agency asked us to do it and it paid very well. If people found out that Kise and I were siblings, his fanbase would be ruined, and our careers would be destroyed. I don’t know why his fanbase would be ruined, but I have a strong suspicion its because he’s gay for Kuroko-kun.”

I looked at her in shock and backed away from her. “Oh god. What have I done?” Tears started to fall down my face as I shook my head in disbelief.

“It doesn’t matter Teppei,” she said gently, as she gently grabbed one of my hands and placed it against her cheek. This gentle action brought me to look at her. “…I always knew my first time would go to you. It really is okay. Next time just ask.”

“Hikaru,” I whispered, as I wrapped my arms around her naked figure, feeling our hearts beat in sync with each other. “I love you. So much.” I could still feel my tears falling down my face.

“I know you do. I love you too,” she replied, returning the hug.

Omake:

“You know, I’ve always wondered why you two had the same birthday.”

“Believe it or not, we do,” she chuckled, as she began to dress herself. “And before you say anything, I am well aware that we do not act anything alike.”

I chuckled. “Honestly, with the way you act, I never would’ve guessed.” I reached down and grabbed a basketball that was at the other side of her bed and spun it on my finger.

“By the way….where did you get the gun?”

“Oh that? This entire plan was made by Riko. She said that it would solve everything…. I guess in a way she was right. That gun is her dad’s; he uses it to scare Junpei. It’s a realistic looking fake.”

I saw her face turn into a slight frown.

“I knew I shouldn’t have told her about my BDSM fantasies…” she muttered.

“BDSM huh?” I asked with a chuckle.

The female’s face shot up as she realized that I had heard what she said. “T-Teppei-” she whined, burying her face in her hands.

With a chuckle, I brought her into a hug and planted a kiss on her forehead

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[brentrogers]

Podcast: Coronavirus – How to Keep it Together

 

How are you handling the coronavirus pandemic? Most people are struggling right now, but for those of us with mental illness, these days can feel truly overwhelming. Fear, depression, isolation and loss of routine are just a few of the difficulties many of us are facing. In today’s podcast, Gabe and Jackie discuss what we can do right now to make things just a little better, and they share their personal hopes and fears for humanity once this pandemic subsides.

You’re not alone — we’re all in this together. Join us for an important discussion on how we can handle this time of fear and uncertainty.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Coronavirus- Mental Health” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hey, everyone, welcome to the Not Crazy podcast. I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And you already know my co-host, Gabe.

Gabe: And we are practicing social distancing, so much so that I am in Ohio and Jackie is in Michigan.

Jackie: It’s kind of our natural state. Most of the time, I mean, candidly, this is kind of my natural state in life in general most of the time is social distancing. But normally I at least have the option to go somewhere if I want to.

Gabe: So let’s talk about a few things when it comes to COVID-19 or coronavirus, because there’s a lot to talk about when we’re talking about our mental health and a pandemic. On one hand, like this is what we’ve all been worried about, like it’s here. All of my anxiety and paranoia and the world going to hell and me freaking out like it’s now happening. Like it’s here. Jackie, it’s here.

Jackie: Yeah, I know. I am aware.

Gabe: And you have it worse than me. I’m not trying to play the suffering Olympics with you, but my anxiety disorder is at like a level 10. My routines are blocked because restaurants are closed and movie theaters are closed and I can’t go do anything. But listen, my immune system, it’s solid. Like for real. Whenever I hear the news, they’re like, you have nothing to worry about unless you’re immunocompromised or old. And I’m like, hey, despite Jackie calling me Grandpa Gabe my immune system is fine and I ain’t old.

Jackie: True story. I am not old either, but I do have a pretty, pretty not great immune system.

Gabe: You’re immunocompromised.

Jackie: Yeah. I’m on immunosuppressive drugs right now. So in addition to that, plus more that I’ve been reading, some of my past medical history also makes me kind of extra susceptible despite, or in in conjunction with being on immunosuppressants.

Gabe: I want to ask you a question, Jackie, like as a person, when you hear on the news and in the media. Actually, fuck the news and the media. They always suck. When you see on social media, like your friends and family, people that you love, people that you still love to this day type “Oh, why is everybody freaking out of coronavirus? It’s only got a 1 percent or a 2 percent death rate. And it’s only going to get you if you’re older, immunocompromised.” Like that’s you. And you’re seeing them be so dismissive of the fact that you’re in the death pool. And they just. I’m not saying that they don’t care because that’s not what it is. They don’t realize it. But but how does that impact you?

Jackie: So, honestly, I haven’t seen a lot of that on my personal feeds because I don’t spend my time with dumb dumbs that, you know, ignore science and news and things, but that’s all over Twitter like everywhere basically. And I’m not taking as much offense to it as I think most chronic illness people are right now. But it’s more or less like I think the people in my life forget that I’m in the high-risk category because I don’t act sick and I don’t often remind them that I am sick because I’m doing quite well right now. Like, for instance, my mom took an unnecessary weekend trip last weekend and she had a good reason for doing it. It was to help her cope with something, but it still felt very selfish to me. And I was kind of upset with her because I feel like she’s being wildly irresponsible. And I eventually had to say to her Mom, you know, that I’m in the high risk category. Right? Like, you know, that this is me we’re talking about, because it just felt like she just forgot. And I asked her, she didn’t forget. That’s not the case. But it’s a little bit of — I just think people are overlooking people in their lives that may be in this category. And 50 percent of the fucking population has a chronic illness, which means 50 percent of the population are likely to be treated by something like an immunosuppressant. So the idea of dismissing that many people is pretty ridiculous. That’s kind of what upsets me the most. It’s not me personally. It’s just like no one knows who has chronic illness. And it’s a spoiler alert. Most fucking people. So, yes, that part upsets me.

Gabe: Well, to clarify, you’re not saying that most people have a chronic illness because most people don’t. Most people are healthy. That’s why we need mental health and health advocacy, because most people just don’t understand what we go through at all. They see things through the lens of their experience, which is not not us. They’re like, oh, we’re fine. So we assume you’re fine, too, when in reality we’re not fine at all.

Jackie: We’re not. I mean, most, I guess, is not the right answer, but it is like 50 percent of the fucking population, whether that be diabetes or, you know, fibromyalgia or lupus or some of these things that people hear their friends and family having but don’t quite lump them in the chronic illness category. Everyone knows someone who’s chronically ill right now. Everybody does. So kind of dismissing someone that, you know, in your life is completely ridiculous.

Gabe: Obviously, we know why you’re panicked, because you’re in the high-risk category and I know why I’m panicked, because all of these closures to protect the people in the high-risk category, they’re just messing with me. They’re messing with me. I don’t I don’t like my routines to be messed with at all. Like, I’m I’m a very, very big creature of habit. But let’s move all this aside and talk about the sort of the dismissiveness, the well, only 2 percent will die. Well, 2 percent is like a huge fucking number. I can’t sort of wrap my mind around that. And I think that’s one of the things that’s really upsetting people in our community. Jackie, that when did two percent become a low number? If I handed you a hundred Skittles and I told you that two of those Skittles would kill you, you’d not eat the Skittles. There is nobody within the sound of my voice that is like, oh, if you gave me a bag of 100 Skittles and two of them would kill me instantly, I’d still grab a handful. The odds are forever in my favor. No. Nobody would. I think that maybe we have just a disproportionate understanding of odds. But more importantly, I think that we have a disproportionate understanding that death is permanent. Maybe? And this is causing our population and many of our listeners an extreme amount of anxiety because they’re constantly being calmed down — I’m making air quotes — calmed down with things that aren’t very calming. Do you find it calming to know that the COVID-19 coronavirus only has a two percent death rate? Does that make Jackie Zimmerman feel better?

Jackie: No, it doesn’t at all, because one, I mean, if we’re getting into stats, which I love, we don’t actually have accurate stats. We don’t have enough tests to be tested. We don’t have enough results from the ones that are currently out in processing. We don’t even have an accurate number of people who are going to hospitals because now we’re telling people not even to go to hospitals. But back to your point of only 2 percent, 2 percent of the whole world is a lot of fucking people. And I don’t know I don’t know how to tell people they should care about other people. But when 5,000 people die in less than a month for something that could be prevented if we all would just stay the fuck home. That’s a big deal. Those are 5,000 people. They have families, they have children, they have jobs. They contribute to the world. Why don’t they matter? Why don’t people matter to other people?

Gabe: I want to just say because they don’t realize it. I think that we’re really seeing play out across the world. I mean, literally across the world that the majority of people are healthy. The majority of people’s immune systems do what it’s supposed to do. And the majority of people believe that this will not impact them. And here’s the kicker. They’re right. The majority of people are right. And this is why we have health advocates. Right? This is this is our job, Jackie. Our show would not need to exist if people just understood that small percentages of the population suffer from things that the majority of the population doesn’t. We’re great examples of this. You do not have bipolar Jackie, and my butt works just fine. But we can still be decent to each other. And it’s interesting to watch the world grapple with this. I wish it was a petri dish and was just a social experiment and there wasn’t real lives at stake because it’s fascinating. It’s fascinating to watch the group that has politicized it. It’s fascinating to watch the group that has monetized it. It’s fascinating to watch the group that is ignoring it. And it’s fascinating watching the group that is terrified of it all interact with each other. But all of that tied back. It doesn’t matter which group you’re in. How do you get through it? Jackie, you’ve hid in your house. But what about the people who can’t hide in their house?

Jackie: Honestly, I don’t find this fascinating. I’m pissed off. I’m mad because I see people who are like, oh, I got a really cheap flight to Florida next week, I’m gonna take a vacation and I’m like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Because of all those people who don’t have the choice to hunker into their house like I do, I can choose to literally socially isolate for the rest of my life if I wanted to. I have a lot of privilege in that area. The people who have to continue to go into the world, who have to work with your dirty germy ass, don’t have that option. Like right now, going out into the world is the equivalent of coughing in somebody’s face. It’s rude and it’s wrong and it causes problems and can cause death among a bunch of people. I’m mad about this. I’m very clearly upset about this.

Gabe: So what’s your next move? Because you can’t just be pissed off for the next several days, several weeks, several months. It’s not mentally healthy for you. I understand why you are. I do. But this isn’t good for us. It’s not it’s not good for us. We cannot have this level of emotion and anxiety and anger for the next several months. It will eat us alive.

Jackie: You’re right. And I’m really worked up right now because we’re talking about how stupid people are, but what I’m finding is really happening with me. And I think with a lot of people that I’m seeing online is that we’re all kind of swaying in between, really nervous, really upset, really scared to like, well, but we’re supposed to kind of act as though life is normal. We’re just doing everything at home. So my brain is kind of confused between this is normal. I work from home every day. Everything is fine, to, like, oh, but we’re in the middle of a huge fucking pandemic. Don’t freak out. And I am exhausted. I am fucking exhausted. I’m emotionally exhausted all the time. Right now, every day is different. Every day feels like a fucking week. So now I’m just like exhausted in every meeting. And all I want to do is like take a nap or watch a movie. But I can’t. And it’s this really fucked up place where I’m trying to be very aware of my privilege and be grateful for what I do have right now. But emotionally and mentally, I just want to like forget about it for like twenty minutes.

Gabe: I understand what you’re saying about privilege, but I’m gonna be selfish. I’m just gonna be extraordinarily selfish. I understand there is a larger discussion that needs to be had here about where Gabe is on the spectrum of worry, etc. But I kind of don’t care about that right now. Right now what I care about is that my routine has been decimated. Like these coping skills, these routines have been cultivated over years. When people say things like, wow, Gabe manages bipolar disorder better than anybody I know. Wow. Gabe manages panic attacks better than anybody I know. Yeah, I take full credit for that because I’ve worked so very, very, very hard. And with one brush of the world, literally the world at this point that’s gone. I wake up in the morning and I can’t go get my Diet Coke and I hear what you’re saying. You’re like, really, Gabe? You’re willing to kill people to get that Diet Coke? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. I know how that sounds. I do.

Jackie: But you don’t really mean it, though.

Gabe: I don’t think I do. But like remember, how you said about feelings? My feeling when I wake up in the morning is you need to go. Gabe, put on your clothes and go. You’ve been awake now for 10 minutes. The dog has been fed. The dog is out. You need to leave. My entire body, my brain, my feelings, my gut, my lodge. Everything is screaming at you have to! And then I can’t. I understand. I do. But it’s just like in a panic attack where you think the world is going to end and the world’s not going to end. Except that I’m not having a panic attack. Actually, this has caused a panic attack every single morning. It’s wrong. It’s wrong.

Jackie: I don’t want to discount your feelings at all. They’re super valid. And you’re right. Especially for people living with mental illness, routines are the core of keeping everybody like all your shit together. But all I think about is like, OK, what about the Gabes of the world right now that also works in food service or that works somewhere that just lost their job? Like what does that Gabe do? And I know you’re out there. I know you might be listening and I keep thinking about that. That’s why I keep trying to check myself with, like, my gratitude. We thought Adam was going to lose his job this week. Last week, we’re like, we’re fine. Everything’s gonna be OK. And then all of a sudden, it was almost, almost gone. It’s not. But we were that close. And all I keep thinking about is the people who are choosing to stay home with their kids or go to work because they can’t work from home and they don’t have paid sick time. And everybody who just has no choice in this matter. The only silver lining to all of this that I have found and it’s not even a good one. The only one that I have found is that this is the whole world. It’s not just like, you know, Detroit is having a recession right now or Ohio is suffering from a tornado or something. The whole world. So it is the first time it really feels like we’re kind of all in it together, like humankind for once. And I don’t know if that makes it feel better, but at least just makes me feel some type of way.

Gabe: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

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Jackie: And we’re back talking about how to keep it together during the coronavirus pandemic.

Gabe: The Internet has been a blessing and a curse through all of this. And I want to talk about that for a moment, because we’ve certainly talked about the assholes on social media — the people who have politicized it, who have minimized it, who have insulted people, they. I can’t help but think of the anti-vaxxers in a time like this. And I’m just like, wow, you guys are trying to do this with the measles. There’s also this part of my brain that’s like, wow, everybody says, listen to the government, listen to the Center for Disease Control. They will help us get through this. Except the Center for Disease Control also says vaccinate your kids. And then we think they’re idiots. So it’s hard not to fall down that rabbit hole. But I’ve said it. We’re not going to talk about anymore. What I want to talk about is like all the people reaching out. I saw this incredible thing. I don’t know how it works because I just saw it this morning. But you can watch a Netflix movie on Google like it’s a Google Chrome extension. So you and your friends can all watch the same movie at the exact same time when you all pause at the same time.

Gabe: You can chat to each other. So literally, you can all watch a movie all over the country in your homes, all together, and you can still have a movie night. It excites me because I’m looking to the future. And you talked about that silver lining. There are a lot of people with mental illness and mental health issues who feel isolated. They’re just are. And they’re gonna feel isolated next year at this time when we’ve all forgot about the coronavirus and now they’re going to be able to find a tribe online and be able to watch a movie, even though the person that they’re friends with is one thousand miles away or even one hundred miles away or even five miles away. But nobody has a car right now. That’s like a real thing in our community. Right? I am hoping that some of this stuff does stick around and that maybe some of my depressed, anxiety-ridden friends will be able to, like, chill and have movie nights together, even though nobody has gas money.

Jackie: I have seen some really, truly amazing things happening in my local community from food for kids, for poor people who are low income, for the elderly, people willing to do grocery shopping for other people. It just seems like endless amounts of support. I saw somebody buy an upgraded zoom package and post in a group like anybody who needs this, feel free to use it. Just. There is an overwhelming amount of generosity right now, even from large corporations to a certain extent where I’m like, okay, but where was this before the whole world tanked? But I digress. I do feel like there has been a little bit of a resurgence in humanity towards other people for the most part. I can’t say that I’m super confident that it’s going to last into the future. I worry that in a month. Let’s hope a month. Let’s be positive and say a month that when everybody kind of recovers, let’s say six months when this is like way in our past, we’ll just go back to business as usual and we’ll forget who the low man on the totem pole is because we don’t care about them and we won’t give any shits about the stockers at the grocery store. And we definitely will not care about the baristas at the coffee shop anymore. I don’t think that we are good enough as living beings to really learn from this. And that makes me really, really sad because we knew this was a possibility. And I just don’t think we’re smart enough to really learn from it.

Gabe: There’s a line in Men in Black that I’m gonna butcher because I always butcher my quotes, but it basically says that a person is intelligent. But people are fools. People are crazy and they overreact. It’s mob mentality, right? I want to say to you, Jackie, and I want to say to all of our listeners right now, I don’t think that people will learn from it. I think that you’re right. Hey, what am I supposed to do? I want my team to win, but I don’t think it’s gonna. But I’m telling you, there are people who will learn from this. There are people who will come out better and there are people who will be nicer to the barista, who will understand why this is important. And it might be enough to shift. It just might. Look, bipolar disorder knocked me on my ass. Gabe Howard would not be here if I did not get sick. If I didn’t get sick, try to end my life, end up in an insane asylum. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It turned me from a person that thought, hey, I want to be rich to a person who thought, wow, I don’t want anybody to go through this. Now, I’m not telling you that I had some big hallmark moment where at the beginning of the movie I only drove a Mercedes. Right? I wasn’t a complete dick beforehand, but I learned a lot about the desire to help others. And I understand your pessimism because you’re playing the odds. You’re saying that more people will remain jerks than will become kind. Yeah, you’re right. But I believe that we are going to see a significant uptick in kindness. And I believe that that will have incredible ramifications across the globe. And that’s what I’m banking on.

Jackie: Ok. OK. When you put it like that, I think that you’re right, because same thing. Right. If I hadn’t gotten sick and literally almost lost my life, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing today in terms of advocacy or even my career. I would literally be doing none of it. So good things do come out of tragedy. Do I think the world is going to change? No. But I am looking forward to seeing who comes up with the next greatest thing. Right? Who is the kindness king and queen who develops a great nonprofit, who starts working for social change? Like maybe our government will finally catch on to us needing better social programs. Do I think that there are still gonna be shit faced billionaires who refuse to share any of their money and a bunch of us are still going to be poor? Yes. Do I think there’s gonna be assholes who want to buy vaccines for shit like this? Yes, but I do think that you’re right. There will be good. There will be good. I just don’t know what it is and what the scale of it will be.

Gabe: I always hate to say we have to think positive because I understand where you’re at, Jackie. You’re in this this pessimistic pit of can you believe we’re here? I hate everything and nothing will be good again. And I respect that. I respect the hell out of that. And I would imagine that the majority of our listeners, they agree with you and they’re like that dipshit moron is about to say something positive. And it pains me to be the positive guy, because in general, I’m a pretty pessimistic guy. The positive thing is we are in control of our own lives. We do have the ability to do with as we please. And I know that you’re like, well, but what about this, this, this, this, this, this, this? Look, there’s always a choice. I’m sorry. The choices may be shit. And I think that as a society, we need to do a better job of acknowledging that some of our choices are shit. But listen, this is not a social justice show. This is a show about managing our mental health and our mental illness. And that means our anxiety and our depression. And we do have a choice. It was a choice to listen to this podcast. It was a choice about whether or not when this podcast is over, you want to think about something positive. You want to do something positive, like call your mom or your friend or do that Netflix and Google thing that I talked about. Or if you want to Google, as soon as we hang up, is the world gonna end? And can you believe our government fucked us? That’s a choice. It’s a choice. And I think that many of us are feeding into our own anxieties, feeding into our own depression and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The Internet has cat videos. Google one of them. They’re adorable. And I hate cats. I hate cats. And I went to a whole thing where I watched an hour and a half of cat videos, but I did it.

Jackie: Also, for what it’s worth, there is another one on Netflix right now. Another compilation of cat videos if you’re in need of more cat videos.

Gabe: Is it called Cats_the_Mewvie?

Jackie: That is the one. That is the one. OK, Gabe.

Gabe: And this is an option. This is sincerely an option, and that’s what I want to say. I’m not disagreeing with you, Jackie. I know that things are fucked up. I know that people are scared. But in the moment we can ramp each other up to be terrified or we can support each other in kindness. And I want to believe that while we’re going to be realistic, because this is how we feel. I feel exactly how you do. Jackie, I’m terrified. You heard my rant about not wanting to not go get a Diet Coke, even though Diet Cokes may kill people. Like that’s like a really messed up reason to want a Diet Coke, right? I get that. This is how we feel. But how can we move past this and searching out better things? Being supportive of one another, agreeing to not talk about this with our friends for at least some portion of the day? I think these are all real proactive things that we can do to help ourselves in the moment. And I’m sure that you have more.

Jackie: Ok, so this is what I’m doing. First, I’m allowing myself to feel some feels almost whenever I want to. Which is not the greatest. But this is an unprecedented time in our whole life. I don’t know how to manage the feelings all the time. So I do my best. But I wake up in the morning and I do a news check because everything changes daily. So I want to know, like what’s closing down, what’s happening? Is the government closing down? Are they sending us all checks? You know, like I want to know. I get my morning dose of like what happened in the last day, because that makes me feel informed and it makes me feel like I’m getting enough information. I do my best not to keep looking. For the rest of the day. And if I feel like I need to go trolling the Internet for something to keep my brain busy, I’ll actually go into some of these community groups that I’ve seen pop up a lot looking for the good shit people are doing. The offers for helping them, the local businesses and restaurants that are giving away free food to people in the neighborhood, kind of replacing that need to gather information with information that is a feel good.

Gabe: Mr. Rogers once said that when he was terrified at watching the news when something bad happened, his mom said, look for the helpers. Look for all of the people that are helping. If you have the means, and when I say when you have the means that you can think really, really small here, offer to help other people. There’s a lot of people in my neighborhood that are providing lunches to school kids that aren’t in school right now. We’re talking like five or six lunches. They have the ability to make five baloney sandwiches, get five pops, and open up a bag of chips. So I know that oftentimes we think, well, I can’t do anything to help because I don’t have a lot of money. I think there are very, very small things that we can do to help. And I’ve been really impressed with the people in my community that really are just making sack lunches. And it’s baloney. But it’s not a lot of money. And I think it’s very, very helpful to find things like that.

Jackie: I’m going to give another suggestion that I would, in normal circumstances, never give. We’ve actually said it’s bullshit. So I. This is a not. These are weird times we’re in here, people. Go outside and normally take a walk is not what I would tell people. But if you’re somebody who normally leaves the house a lot and you thrive on kind of being out of the house. I’m not talking to the introverts who have a hard time leaving already. I’m talking to everybody else. Take a walk. It’s still safe to take a walk. It’s still safe to feel air to feel, sun. And I’m not saying it’s going to make anything better. This is not going to cure anything, but it definitely helps to de-stress. And I am one of those people that loves to be inside, that loves to stay in my house. I hate going into the world. I just like hate everybody. But I do feel the value in walks right now. It’s one of the only things we can do safely without feeling fear and anxiety about just doing anything like going to the grocery store is like a panic attack every time. I’m not even the one doing it. Adam’s going for us, but I still am worried. Go outside. It will be worth it.

Gabe: Everybody stay safe. Love the ones you’re with. Call your mom. Call your dad. Call your grandma. Call anybody. E-mail people. One of the things that my wife and I did and I’m not making this up, please don’t laugh at us. We ran through all of the stuff to watch and we can’t go anywhere. So we played a board game. This is the first time, I think, in eight years of marriage my wife and I have ever sat down and played a board game. I gotta tell you, it was more fun than I thought. Explore some of those things that you haven’t done in a while. Listen, I never thought that I would ever tell anybody to build a puzzle. Build a puzzle.

Jackie: I

Gabe: It’s it’s it’s

Jackie: I

Gabe: Weird times, my friends.

Jackie: I wrote letters to my niece and nephew, I sent them stickers that I had laying around the house. You know, it almost feels like as far in the future we are, let’s go back to the old times, like do the stuff that used to be entertaining, right? Except, you know, do a zoom call, write a letter, you know. On St. Patrick’s Day, everybody in this town was encouraged to put a shamrock in their window and kids went on shamrock hunts looking for shamrocks in the windows. We’re getting inventive. It is still possible to stay connected, to do new things, to do fun things, and to be able to clear your head in a really positive way. Again, it’s a choice, though, you have to want to.

Gabe: Jackie, I couldn’t agree more, and here are some other choices that you can make. You can subscribe to our podcast wherever you downloaded the show. You can rate our podcast with as many stars as you would like. You can use your words and tell people why you like our podcast. And finally, you can share our podcast on social media. The Not Crazy podcast comes out every Monday and we hope that you love it. If you have any complaints or comments or, well, just anything you can email us at show@PsychCentral.com. And hey, if you send us your address, we’ll send you some Not Crazy stickers.

Jackie: Hang in there, everyone, and we’ll see you next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail show@psychcentral.com for details. 

  Podcast: Coronavirus – How to Keep it Together syndicated from

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: Coronavirus – How to Keep it Together



  How are you handling the coronavirus pandemic? Most people are struggling right now, but for those of us with mental illness, these days can feel truly overwhelming. Fear, depression, isolation and loss of routine are just a few of the difficulties many of us are facing. In today’s podcast, Gabe and Jackie discuss what we can do right now to make things just a little better, and they share their personal hopes and fears for humanity once this pandemic subsides.

You’re not alone — we’re all in this together. Join us for an important discussion on how we can handle this time of fear and uncertainty.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Coronavirus- Mental Health” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hey, everyone, welcome to the Not Crazy podcast. I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And you already know my co-host, Gabe.

Gabe: And we are practicing social distancing, so much so that I am in Ohio and Jackie is in Michigan.

Jackie: It’s kind of our natural state. Most of the time, I mean, candidly, this is kind of my natural state in life in general most of the time is social distancing. But normally I at least have the option to go somewhere if I want to.

Gabe: So let’s talk about a few things when it comes to COVID-19 or coronavirus, because there’s a lot to talk about when we’re talking about our mental health and a pandemic. On one hand, like this is what we’ve all been worried about, like it’s here. All of my anxiety and paranoia and the world going to hell and me freaking out like it’s now happening. Like it’s here. Jackie, it’s here.

Jackie: Yeah, I know. I am aware.

Gabe: And you have it worse than me. I’m not trying to play the suffering Olympics with you, but my anxiety disorder is at like a level 10. My routines are blocked because restaurants are closed and movie theaters are closed and I can’t go do anything. But listen, my immune system, it’s solid. Like for real. Whenever I hear the news, they’re like, you have nothing to worry about unless you’re immunocompromised or old. And I’m like, hey, despite Jackie calling me Grandpa Gabe my immune system is fine and I ain’t old.

Jackie: True story. I am not old either, but I do have a pretty, pretty not great immune system.

Gabe: You’re immunocompromised.

Jackie: Yeah. I’m on immunosuppressive drugs right now. So in addition to that, plus more that I’ve been reading, some of my past medical history also makes me kind of extra susceptible despite, or in in conjunction with being on immunosuppressants.

Gabe: I want to ask you a question, Jackie, like as a person, when you hear on the news and in the media. Actually, fuck the news and the media. They always suck. When you see on social media, like your friends and family, people that you love, people that you still love to this day type “Oh, why is everybody freaking out of coronavirus? It’s only got a 1 percent or a 2 percent death rate. And it’s only going to get you if you’re older, immunocompromised.” Like that’s you. And you’re seeing them be so dismissive of the fact that you’re in the death pool. And they just. I’m not saying that they don’t care because that’s not what it is. They don’t realize it. But but how does that impact you?

Jackie: So, honestly, I haven’t seen a lot of that on my personal feeds because I don’t spend my time with dumb dumbs that, you know, ignore science and news and things, but that’s all over Twitter like everywhere basically. And I’m not taking as much offense to it as I think most chronic illness people are right now. But it’s more or less like I think the people in my life forget that I’m in the high-risk category because I don’t act sick and I don’t often remind them that I am sick because I’m doing quite well right now. Like, for instance, my mom took an unnecessary weekend trip last weekend and she had a good reason for doing it. It was to help her cope with something, but it still felt very selfish to me. And I was kind of upset with her because I feel like she’s being wildly irresponsible. And I eventually had to say to her Mom, you know, that I’m in the high risk category. Right? Like, you know, that this is me we’re talking about, because it just felt like she just forgot. And I asked her, she didn’t forget. That’s not the case. But it’s a little bit of — I just think people are overlooking people in their lives that may be in this category. And 50 percent of the fucking population has a chronic illness, which means 50 percent of the population are likely to be treated by something like an immunosuppressant. So the idea of dismissing that many people is pretty ridiculous. That’s kind of what upsets me the most. It’s not me personally. It’s just like no one knows who has chronic illness. And it’s a spoiler alert. Most fucking people. So, yes, that part upsets me.

Gabe: Well, to clarify, you’re not saying that most people have a chronic illness because most people don’t. Most people are healthy. That’s why we need mental health and health advocacy, because most people just don’t understand what we go through at all. They see things through the lens of their experience, which is not not us. They’re like, oh, we’re fine. So we assume you’re fine, too, when in reality we’re not fine at all.

Jackie: We’re not. I mean, most, I guess, is not the right answer, but it is like 50 percent of the fucking population, whether that be diabetes or, you know, fibromyalgia or lupus or some of these things that people hear their friends and family having but don’t quite lump them in the chronic illness category. Everyone knows someone who’s chronically ill right now. Everybody does. So kind of dismissing someone that, you know, in your life is completely ridiculous.

Gabe: Obviously, we know why you’re panicked, because you’re in the high-risk category and I know why I’m panicked, because all of these closures to protect the people in the high-risk category, they’re just messing with me. They’re messing with me. I don’t I don’t like my routines to be messed with at all. Like, I’m I’m a very, very big creature of habit. But let’s move all this aside and talk about the sort of the dismissiveness, the well, only 2 percent will die. Well, 2 percent is like a huge fucking number. I can’t sort of wrap my mind around that. And I think that’s one of the things that’s really upsetting people in our community. Jackie, that when did two percent become a low number? If I handed you a hundred Skittles and I told you that two of those Skittles would kill you, you’d not eat the Skittles. There is nobody within the sound of my voice that is like, oh, if you gave me a bag of 100 Skittles and two of them would kill me instantly, I’d still grab a handful. The odds are forever in my favor. No. Nobody would. I think that maybe we have just a disproportionate understanding of odds. But more importantly, I think that we have a disproportionate understanding that death is permanent. Maybe? And this is causing our population and many of our listeners an extreme amount of anxiety because they’re constantly being calmed down — I’m making air quotes — calmed down with things that aren’t very calming. Do you find it calming to know that the COVID-19 coronavirus only has a two percent death rate? Does that make Jackie Zimmerman feel better?

Jackie: No, it doesn’t at all, because one, I mean, if we’re getting into stats, which I love, we don’t actually have accurate stats. We don’t have enough tests to be tested. We don’t have enough results from the ones that are currently out in processing. We don’t even have an accurate number of people who are going to hospitals because now we’re telling people not even to go to hospitals. But back to your point of only 2 percent, 2 percent of the whole world is a lot of fucking people. And I don’t know I don’t know how to tell people they should care about other people. But when 5,000 people die in less than a month for something that could be prevented if we all would just stay the fuck home. That’s a big deal. Those are 5,000 people. They have families, they have children, they have jobs. They contribute to the world. Why don’t they matter? Why don’t people matter to other people?

Gabe: I want to just say because they don’t realize it. I think that we’re really seeing play out across the world. I mean, literally across the world that the majority of people are healthy. The majority of people’s immune systems do what it’s supposed to do. And the majority of people believe that this will not impact them. And here’s the kicker. They’re right. The majority of people are right. And this is why we have health advocates. Right? This is this is our job, Jackie. Our show would not need to exist if people just understood that small percentages of the population suffer from things that the majority of the population doesn’t. We’re great examples of this. You do not have bipolar Jackie, and my butt works just fine. But we can still be decent to each other. And it’s interesting to watch the world grapple with this. I wish it was a petri dish and was just a social experiment and there wasn’t real lives at stake because it’s fascinating. It’s fascinating to watch the group that has politicized it. It’s fascinating to watch the group that has monetized it. It’s fascinating to watch the group that is ignoring it. And it’s fascinating watching the group that is terrified of it all interact with each other. But all of that tied back. It doesn’t matter which group you’re in. How do you get through it? Jackie, you’ve hid in your house. But what about the people who can’t hide in their house?

Jackie: Honestly, I don’t find this fascinating. I’m pissed off. I’m mad because I see people who are like, oh, I got a really cheap flight to Florida next week, I’m gonna take a vacation and I’m like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Because of all those people who don’t have the choice to hunker into their house like I do, I can choose to literally socially isolate for the rest of my life if I wanted to. I have a lot of privilege in that area. The people who have to continue to go into the world, who have to work with your dirty germy ass, don’t have that option. Like right now, going out into the world is the equivalent of coughing in somebody’s face. It’s rude and it’s wrong and it causes problems and can cause death among a bunch of people. I’m mad about this. I’m very clearly upset about this.

Gabe: So what’s your next move? Because you can’t just be pissed off for the next several days, several weeks, several months. It’s not mentally healthy for you. I understand why you are. I do. But this isn’t good for us. It’s not it’s not good for us. We cannot have this level of emotion and anxiety and anger for the next several months. It will eat us alive.

Jackie: You’re right. And I’m really worked up right now because we’re talking about how stupid people are, but what I’m finding is really happening with me. And I think with a lot of people that I’m seeing online is that we’re all kind of swaying in between, really nervous, really upset, really scared to like, well, but we’re supposed to kind of act as though life is normal. We’re just doing everything at home. So my brain is kind of confused between this is normal. I work from home every day. Everything is fine, to, like, oh, but we’re in the middle of a huge fucking pandemic. Don’t freak out. And I am exhausted. I am fucking exhausted. I’m emotionally exhausted all the time. Right now, every day is different. Every day feels like a fucking week. So now I’m just like exhausted in every meeting. And all I want to do is like take a nap or watch a movie. But I can’t. And it’s this really fucked up place where I’m trying to be very aware of my privilege and be grateful for what I do have right now. But emotionally and mentally, I just want to like forget about it for like twenty minutes.

Gabe: I understand what you’re saying about privilege, but I’m gonna be selfish. I’m just gonna be extraordinarily selfish. I understand there is a larger discussion that needs to be had here about where Gabe is on the spectrum of worry, etc. But I kind of don’t care about that right now. Right now what I care about is that my routine has been decimated. Like these coping skills, these routines have been cultivated over years. When people say things like, wow, Gabe manages bipolar disorder better than anybody I know. Wow. Gabe manages panic attacks better than anybody I know. Yeah, I take full credit for that because I’ve worked so very, very, very hard. And with one brush of the world, literally the world at this point that’s gone. I wake up in the morning and I can’t go get my Diet Coke and I hear what you’re saying. You’re like, really, Gabe? You’re willing to kill people to get that Diet Coke? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. I know how that sounds. I do.

Jackie: But you don’t really mean it, though.

Gabe: I don’t think I do. But like remember, how you said about feelings? My feeling when I wake up in the morning is you need to go. Gabe, put on your clothes and go. You’ve been awake now for 10 minutes. The dog has been fed. The dog is out. You need to leave. My entire body, my brain, my feelings, my gut, my lodge. Everything is screaming at you have to! And then I can’t. I understand. I do. But it’s just like in a panic attack where you think the world is going to end and the world’s not going to end. Except that I’m not having a panic attack. Actually, this has caused a panic attack every single morning. It’s wrong. It’s wrong.

Jackie: I don’t want to discount your feelings at all. They’re super valid. And you’re right. Especially for people living with mental illness, routines are the core of keeping everybody like all your shit together. But all I think about is like, OK, what about the Gabes of the world right now that also works in food service or that works somewhere that just lost their job? Like what does that Gabe do? And I know you’re out there. I know you might be listening and I keep thinking about that. That’s why I keep trying to check myself with, like, my gratitude. We thought Adam was going to lose his job this week. Last week, we’re like, we’re fine. Everything’s gonna be OK. And then all of a sudden, it was almost, almost gone. It’s not. But we were that close. And all I keep thinking about is the people who are choosing to stay home with their kids or go to work because they can’t work from home and they don’t have paid sick time. And everybody who just has no choice in this matter. The only silver lining to all of this that I have found and it’s not even a good one. The only one that I have found is that this is the whole world. It’s not just like, you know, Detroit is having a recession right now or Ohio is suffering from a tornado or something. The whole world. So it is the first time it really feels like we’re kind of all in it together, like humankind for once. And I don’t know if that makes it feel better, but at least just makes me feel some type of way.

Gabe: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Jackie: And we’re back talking about how to keep it together during the coronavirus pandemic.

Gabe: The Internet has been a blessing and a curse through all of this. And I want to talk about that for a moment, because we’ve certainly talked about the assholes on social media — the people who have politicized it, who have minimized it, who have insulted people, they. I can’t help but think of the anti-vaxxers in a time like this. And I’m just like, wow, you guys are trying to do this with the measles. There’s also this part of my brain that’s like, wow, everybody says, listen to the government, listen to the Center for Disease Control. They will help us get through this. Except the Center for Disease Control also says vaccinate your kids. And then we think they’re idiots. So it’s hard not to fall down that rabbit hole. But I’ve said it. We’re not going to talk about anymore. What I want to talk about is like all the people reaching out. I saw this incredible thing. I don’t know how it works because I just saw it this morning. But you can watch a Netflix movie on Google like it’s a Google Chrome extension. So you and your friends can all watch the same movie at the exact same time when you all pause at the same time.

Gabe: You can chat to each other. So literally, you can all watch a movie all over the country in your homes, all together, and you can still have a movie night. It excites me because I’m looking to the future. And you talked about that silver lining. There are a lot of people with mental illness and mental health issues who feel isolated. They’re just are. And they’re gonna feel isolated next year at this time when we’ve all forgot about the coronavirus and now they’re going to be able to find a tribe online and be able to watch a movie, even though the person that they’re friends with is one thousand miles away or even one hundred miles away or even five miles away. But nobody has a car right now. That’s like a real thing in our community. Right? I am hoping that some of this stuff does stick around and that maybe some of my depressed, anxiety-ridden friends will be able to, like, chill and have movie nights together, even though nobody has gas money.

Jackie: I have seen some really, truly amazing things happening in my local community from food for kids, for poor people who are low income, for the elderly, people willing to do grocery shopping for other people. It just seems like endless amounts of support. I saw somebody buy an upgraded zoom package and post in a group like anybody who needs this, feel free to use it. Just. There is an overwhelming amount of generosity right now, even from large corporations to a certain extent where I’m like, okay, but where was this before the whole world tanked? But I digress. I do feel like there has been a little bit of a resurgence in humanity towards other people for the most part. I can’t say that I’m super confident that it’s going to last into the future. I worry that in a month. Let’s hope a month. Let’s be positive and say a month that when everybody kind of recovers, let’s say six months when this is like way in our past, we’ll just go back to business as usual and we’ll forget who the low man on the totem pole is because we don’t care about them and we won’t give any shits about the stockers at the grocery store. And we definitely will not care about the baristas at the coffee shop anymore. I don’t think that we are good enough as living beings to really learn from this. And that makes me really, really sad because we knew this was a possibility. And I just don’t think we’re smart enough to really learn from it.

Gabe: There’s a line in Men in Black that I’m gonna butcher because I always butcher my quotes, but it basically says that a person is intelligent. But people are fools. People are crazy and they overreact. It’s mob mentality, right? I want to say to you, Jackie, and I want to say to all of our listeners right now, I don’t think that people will learn from it. I think that you’re right. Hey, what am I supposed to do? I want my team to win, but I don’t think it’s gonna. But I’m telling you, there are people who will learn from this. There are people who will come out better and there are people who will be nicer to the barista, who will understand why this is important. And it might be enough to shift. It just might. Look, bipolar disorder knocked me on my ass. Gabe Howard would not be here if I did not get sick. If I didn’t get sick, try to end my life, end up in an insane asylum. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It turned me from a person that thought, hey, I want to be rich to a person who thought, wow, I don’t want anybody to go through this. Now, I’m not telling you that I had some big hallmark moment where at the beginning of the movie I only drove a Mercedes. Right? I wasn’t a complete dick beforehand, but I learned a lot about the desire to help others. And I understand your pessimism because you’re playing the odds. You’re saying that more people will remain jerks than will become kind. Yeah, you’re right. But I believe that we are going to see a significant uptick in kindness. And I believe that that will have incredible ramifications across the globe. And that’s what I’m banking on.

Jackie: Ok. OK. When you put it like that, I think that you’re right, because same thing. Right. If I hadn’t gotten sick and literally almost lost my life, I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing today in terms of advocacy or even my career. I would literally be doing none of it. So good things do come out of tragedy. Do I think the world is going to change? No. But I am looking forward to seeing who comes up with the next greatest thing. Right? Who is the kindness king and queen who develops a great nonprofit, who starts working for social change? Like maybe our government will finally catch on to us needing better social programs. Do I think that there are still gonna be shit faced billionaires who refuse to share any of their money and a bunch of us are still going to be poor? Yes. Do I think there’s gonna be assholes who want to buy vaccines for shit like this? Yes, but I do think that you’re right. There will be good. There will be good. I just don’t know what it is and what the scale of it will be.

Gabe: I always hate to say we have to think positive because I understand where you’re at, Jackie. You’re in this this pessimistic pit of can you believe we’re here? I hate everything and nothing will be good again. And I respect that. I respect the hell out of that. And I would imagine that the majority of our listeners, they agree with you and they’re like that dipshit moron is about to say something positive. And it pains me to be the positive guy, because in general, I’m a pretty pessimistic guy. The positive thing is we are in control of our own lives. We do have the ability to do with as we please. And I know that you’re like, well, but what about this, this, this, this, this, this, this? Look, there’s always a choice. I’m sorry. The choices may be shit. And I think that as a society, we need to do a better job of acknowledging that some of our choices are shit. But listen, this is not a social justice show. This is a show about managing our mental health and our mental illness. And that means our anxiety and our depression. And we do have a choice. It was a choice to listen to this podcast. It was a choice about whether or not when this podcast is over, you want to think about something positive. You want to do something positive, like call your mom or your friend or do that Netflix and Google thing that I talked about. Or if you want to Google, as soon as we hang up, is the world gonna end? And can you believe our government fucked us? That’s a choice. It’s a choice. And I think that many of us are feeding into our own anxieties, feeding into our own depression and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. The Internet has cat videos. Google one of them. They’re adorable. And I hate cats. I hate cats. And I went to a whole thing where I watched an hour and a half of cat videos, but I did it.

Jackie: Also, for what it’s worth, there is another one on Netflix right now. Another compilation of cat videos if you’re in need of more cat videos.

Gabe: Is it called Cats_the_Mewvie?

Jackie: That is the one. That is the one. OK, Gabe.

Gabe: And this is an option. This is sincerely an option, and that’s what I want to say. I’m not disagreeing with you, Jackie. I know that things are fucked up. I know that people are scared. But in the moment we can ramp each other up to be terrified or we can support each other in kindness. And I want to believe that while we’re going to be realistic, because this is how we feel. I feel exactly how you do. Jackie, I’m terrified. You heard my rant about not wanting to not go get a Diet Coke, even though Diet Cokes may kill people. Like that’s like a really messed up reason to want a Diet Coke, right? I get that. This is how we feel. But how can we move past this and searching out better things? Being supportive of one another, agreeing to not talk about this with our friends for at least some portion of the day? I think these are all real proactive things that we can do to help ourselves in the moment. And I’m sure that you have more.

Jackie: Ok, so this is what I’m doing. First, I’m allowing myself to feel some feels almost whenever I want to. Which is not the greatest. But this is an unprecedented time in our whole life. I don’t know how to manage the feelings all the time. So I do my best. But I wake up in the morning and I do a news check because everything changes daily. So I want to know, like what’s closing down, what’s happening? Is the government closing down? Are they sending us all checks? You know, like I want to know. I get my morning dose of like what happened in the last day, because that makes me feel informed and it makes me feel like I’m getting enough information. I do my best not to keep looking. For the rest of the day. And if I feel like I need to go trolling the Internet for something to keep my brain busy, I’ll actually go into some of these community groups that I’ve seen pop up a lot looking for the good shit people are doing. The offers for helping them, the local businesses and restaurants that are giving away free food to people in the neighborhood, kind of replacing that need to gather information with information that is a feel good.

Gabe: Mr. Rogers once said that when he was terrified at watching the news when something bad happened, his mom said, look for the helpers. Look for all of the people that are helping. If you have the means, and when I say when you have the means that you can think really, really small here, offer to help other people. There’s a lot of people in my neighborhood that are providing lunches to school kids that aren’t in school right now. We’re talking like five or six lunches. They have the ability to make five baloney sandwiches, get five pops, and open up a bag of chips. So I know that oftentimes we think, well, I can’t do anything to help because I don’t have a lot of money. I think there are very, very small things that we can do to help. And I’ve been really impressed with the people in my community that really are just making sack lunches. And it’s baloney. But it’s not a lot of money. And I think it’s very, very helpful to find things like that.

Jackie: I’m going to give another suggestion that I would, in normal circumstances, never give. We’ve actually said it’s bullshit. So I. This is a not. These are weird times we’re in here, people. Go outside and normally take a walk is not what I would tell people. But if you’re somebody who normally leaves the house a lot and you thrive on kind of being out of the house. I’m not talking to the introverts who have a hard time leaving already. I’m talking to everybody else. Take a walk. It’s still safe to take a walk. It’s still safe to feel air to feel, sun. And I’m not saying it’s going to make anything better. This is not going to cure anything, but it definitely helps to de-stress. And I am one of those people that loves to be inside, that loves to stay in my house. I hate going into the world. I just like hate everybody. But I do feel the value in walks right now. It’s one of the only things we can do safely without feeling fear and anxiety about just doing anything like going to the grocery store is like a panic attack every time. I’m not even the one doing it. Adam’s going for us, but I still am worried. Go outside. It will be worth it.

Gabe: Everybody stay safe. Love the ones you’re with. Call your mom. Call your dad. Call your grandma. Call anybody. E-mail people. One of the things that my wife and I did and I’m not making this up, please don’t laugh at us. We ran through all of the stuff to watch and we can’t go anywhere. So we played a board game. This is the first time, I think, in eight years of marriage my wife and I have ever sat down and played a board game. I gotta tell you, it was more fun than I thought. Explore some of those things that you haven’t done in a while. Listen, I never thought that I would ever tell anybody to build a puzzle. Build a puzzle.

Jackie: I

Gabe: It’s it’s it’s

Jackie: I

Gabe: Weird times, my friends.

Jackie: I wrote letters to my niece and nephew, I sent them stickers that I had laying around the house. You know, it almost feels like as far in the future we are, let’s go back to the old times, like do the stuff that used to be entertaining, right? Except, you know, do a zoom call, write a letter, you know. On St. Patrick’s Day, everybody in this town was encouraged to put a shamrock in their window and kids went on shamrock hunts looking for shamrocks in the windows. We’re getting inventive. It is still possible to stay connected, to do new things, to do fun things, and to be able to clear your head in a really positive way. Again, it’s a choice, though, you have to want to.

Gabe: Jackie, I couldn’t agree more, and here are some other choices that you can make. You can subscribe to our podcast wherever you downloaded the show. You can rate our podcast with as many stars as you would like. You can use your words and tell people why you like our podcast. And finally, you can share our podcast on social media. The Not Crazy podcast comes out every Monday and we hope that you love it. If you have any complaints or comments or, well, just anything you can email us at show@PsychCentral.com. And hey, if you send us your address, we’ll send you some Not Crazy stickers.

Jackie: Hang in there, everyone, and we’ll see you next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail show@psychcentral.com for details. 

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