#quitting kratom

[kratomkittycat]

Relapse Journal Entry (03/21/23)

Last night, I took kratom extract again. It was after 1 in the morning when I had gotten home from work.

The recovery process has been extremely challenging for me emotionally. I have still been miserable, the way I described it in my previous messages, despite AA, Recovery Skills Group, therapy, and lots of coping skills. No matter how long I go without kratom extract, it still has its claws sunken into me and last night I couldn’t get the idea of taking it out of my head.

The only thing that was even really stopping me is that I was told by doctors and other people that if I were to take it while on my suboxone, I would either get very nauseous or it would just not work. But recently, I looked it up and found out it wasn’t true.

I had taken 2.5 mg of suboxone yesterday (1 in the morning, 0.5 shortly after, and 1 in the early evening). This medication is supposed to help with the cravings, however I noticed when I take more than this I get too sleepy to work properly.

This morning, I threw away all of the kratom extract that I still had in my drawers to prevent myself from taking any more. But what I really want to know is what can I do to make this easier for me emotionally, and to help me not crave it so much? I try so hard and put so much effort in, constantly making plans to distract myself and convince myself that I’m happy, but it feels like this has just taken over.

I just think it sucks that no matter how long I go without it I still can’t get it out of my head (how much I want to take it) and it shuts down all logical thinking. And it’s painful to make myself not take it anyway. It’s a really hard thing to have to chose between painfully not taking it or taking it and ending up like I did before.

And I want to be someone who can control themselves with dosing because I really don’t wanna deal with what always happens when I take it. I just don’t really know how to not take it like that. Because when I tried to take tolerance breaks before I just felt really bad. But what the heck, I feel really bad now as it is!! I’ve BEEN feeling really bad. Miserable.

I am in absolute wretched misery that I just can’t describe and I really need to take kratom extract otherwise I just won’t be able to get through today. I don’t know what to do 🥺

[prolibytherium]

Had someone at my work be like ‘I found this kind of guava root beverage that they only sell in smoke shops and it’s the first thing that’s ever helped with my pain’ and I’m like ‘. do uou mean kava or’ and she shows me a pic of a kratom seltzer and I’m like Oh Yeah Ok Kratom I Know Of It

[bergamotz]

bleh I wld like my various maladies 2 sort themselves out nd also 4 my brain 2 work right. this part is a catch 22 bcuz it's in part due 2 being addicted 2 kratom which is rlly hard 2 quit in large part bcuz ov how it fucks w my brain. everything feels flatter and more ridgid. the fact I'm not doing anything ever isn't helping w this but doing things w ppl wld also not help but in a different way. also epilepsy meds r not helping w any ov this. except the epilepsy. maybe.

[aheeheemwhimper]

so what IS weed a gateway drug too I'm ready to level up?

[kratomqueen]

kratom and nicotine have such an evil relationship

[kaonarvna]

Going through so much right now. Barely have the capacity to do much of anything aside from work and take care of myself and my spouse.

Autistic burnout is truly a cruel mistress. As is having undiagnosed ADHD, knowing what your unmet needs are, and not having the means to access the support you require.

Big vent below. Workplace ableism. ADHD/AuDHD vent.

My spouse is quitting his job again. It happens every year. We've only just now realised "oh my god, it's the autism. It was always the autism" for why he keeps hopping.

He's leaving the current job because they're failing to give him what seems like the most basic accommodations (written instructions, scheduled meetings/literally any notice instead of impromptu "informal chats" in hallways with no record, basic empathy).

He's being told off for "speaking too loudly" and "speaking too enthusiastically" even though all he's talking about with his colleagues is work. They took away his office to turn it into a meeting room, forced him into the communal office space, and have now told him to stop talking to himself or his colleagues.

It's heartbreaking. It's been slowly creeping in for months and it's taken too long for us to realise "oh my god, you need a diagnosis, this is just fucking discrimination, you need formal accommodations and support".

So he's off on the sick now because his stress has become so severe that he just can't function. Before he got the sick note he'd come home and crash every day, and dreaded going to work. He role-played being a warhammer 40k servitor (lobotomised and obedient worker drone, basically) to help him get through the day of staying quiet and doing nothing but work. He'd come home and need so much sensory input and support. And he slept so much, and so poorly. He started to "fail the speech checks" (massively miss social cues and say the wrong thing) with colleagues at work, and came home embarrassed in ways he never was before. He's a very very social animal, and didn't think he had social difficulties, but now he's so worn down that he's realised he does.

He can't mask anymore. He's so tired.

And now that he got that sick note, and plans to leave, he's not dreading waking up each day nearly as much. He's still in the sensory sock every day, and he's still sad and overwhelmed, but he's feeling better.

We've started the process of getting him a diagnosis, but it's going to take months and months and months. We don't really have months. We're going to start applying for new jobs for him, and hopefully get him out of labs. You'd think a chemical laboratory would be the perfect place for an autistic man who loves STEM, but management has always made it unworkable for him. He's always slowly forced out.

And I can barely take care of him, between working full time and having EDS. And I've finally realised I desperately need that ADHD diagnosis, and I need meds. I haven't felt like a person in so long. I haven't felt like myself in years. I feel like this abstract creature inside this horrible prison, and the controls don't work anymore.

Every mental health professional I've seen has asked me, "Have you ever been assessed for ADHD? You've already adopted all the coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes I could recommend. I can't diagnose you, but yknow, think about it."

I've always suspected it. I know I'm autistic. All signs point to ADHD too.

I looked back on every stimulant I've put in my body, and realised that all of them made my brain emptier. They all gave me more control. I was always more able to make choices and act upon them. But I used to associate that with the pain relief (think kratom, nefopam, etc) not the stimulant.

So when I got my pain mostly under control, and I manage it now, I couldn't figure out why I still had so little control over myself.

It's the fucking ADHD.

How much time have I lost to being undiagnosed and unmedicated? How much of my life has slipped down the drain while I paced back and forth, or laid in place "stuck", or ping ponged from incomplete task to incomplete task until I crashed? How much more pleasure could I have experienced if my brain wasn't full of constant noise and thirty different versions of the same thought?

How much have I hurt myself by going "you're fine, you don't need meds" for so many years?

I don't know how long it's going to take to get diagnosed. I've started the process and now we just...wait. But all the evidence points to "yes", and that "meds will probably work and make a massive difference for your quality of life". I might get to be a person someday, or at least a more fulfilled creature.

[smilesession]

kratom from the brand Nova is the best I’ve ever had in my entire life and it makes me feel neurotypical and human. and i always feel inhuman and fucking horrible otherwise. my baseline mental state since childhood has always been “inhuman and fucking horrible” and if you have the same severity of ptsd that I do I think you know what I mean. it’s quite life-changing to be on a mild daily dose of this stuff

[sexyminion]

Addiction talk

I don’t have anyone irl to say this too lol. So I guess I’ll post about it here. I’m six days clean off of 10 year heavy kratom use. Idk I’m just proud of myself. I have tried to quit this crap twice before over 10 years and found it impossible. This time I taper to an extremely low dose and it made acute withdrawal so much easier to the point where on day 6 I am feeling great, and can sleep a solid 8 hours.

My entire family has addiction problems, my grandparents and parents were/are all opiate addicts and/or alcoholics. I don’t smoke cigarettes or weed anymore, and don’t drink. This stuff was my last serious vice and I am just fucking ELATED to literally be free of every single substance I’ve ever relied on.

[driderwife]

[ TW Addiction ; Withdrawal ; Substance Abuse ; Kratom ]

Boosts appreciated; So sorry for this, I just need help getting back on my feet.

I will explain details of my situation more thoroughly later, but I have been sick from serious withdrawals from kratom for 2 weeks (I did not realize it was so addictive and I am stopping by tapering off, after accidentally quitting cold Turkey and experiencing severe withdrawal sickness). More info on my experience here. I’ve tried to be very open and honest about what’s happening, because I was very misinformed about the substance I was taking. When I’m recovered more fully, I will absolutely be talking about it more in detail because there are a LOT of disinformation & lies about kratom and I really REALLY don’t want other ppl to get sick like this. More info on kratom & kratom addiction here .

[ Note: kratom activists / defenders will be blocked, do not even bother ✌️]

I am supervised by friends, family, and have a doctor who knows what’s going on and helping me over the phone. I am working very hard to take care of myself and get better so that I can return with regular artwork. I have been unable to work bc my physical symptoms from chemical dependence require a lot of maintenance . I am posting my Kofi and other donation info here as well as on twitter, bc trying to keep groceries in the house has been super hard with my partner and best friend taking care of me most of the time. I need a lot of electrolytes and food to keep myself healthy while I detox from this substance.

I really wanna thank everyone for being so kind and patient in this incredibly trying time, I am getting better every single day, but it’s a very rough experience. I absolutely hate asking for money like this. Things have been very very hard for a while now. But I know that things will get much better. I used to take 7-8 capsules a day, and I am down to 2.5 in just two weeks, which is a huge stride and why it’s been so hard to adjust to. I’m really sick of this substance, and I can’t wait until I can completely stop taking it. I want to get better.

Here is my Kofi and donation info, all money will be used to help feed us and our pets while I get better. If you’d rather donate to my partner @gothvegas I completely understand.

Ko-fi

Paypal

Venmo - Fangciful

Cashapp - Bipley

When I get my bill for the hospital/clinic visit I had last weekend (before I realized I was going through withdrawal, and was very ill and confused), I will post it for like a form of proof that this is happening. If you cannot or don’t want to donate, please do not feel obligated.

Thank you so much for boosting. The kindness I have been given has really truly blown me away. I think I needed help for a long time, and I was just afraid that people would hate me. It’s been mind blowing realizing how much ppl care. 💜

[verdantelephantechos]

In order to quit drinking for an extended period of time, I’ve decided to pick Kratom back up . It’s pretty sad, but I can function and get to work better on it than when I’m drinking. I think it feels better too. It does cloud my judgement somewhat, but not to the extreme degree that alcohol does. Instead of completely turning my brain off and letting the animal out, it’s just a myst that insulates everything, and separates me somewhat from my emotions.

It numbs me somewhat, and I want that. But I still feel sadness in me, as if it wants to burst out. I feel a pain in my heart and a feeling in my gut. The Kratom though, helps keep it all sealed up, so no one knows, nothing slips out, and I can laugh and joke as if it a day in paradise.

I wish I was different. I wish I could live like most people and live a content life being sober most the time. I just find it so difficult to. I feel alienated from others. While I can have a pleasant conversation with someone, connections are almost never made. I always go home feeling alone and worse off. With my insecurity, it makes me think that I am repulsive in some manner, that I’ve done something wrong to someone. I hate I think these things. I know they probably ain’t true but my sad heart wanders towards this negative territory.

I just want to love and be loved, and no matter what I do, I feel I keep moving farther away from that becoming true. I’m trying to be better, I really think that I am. This sadness in me that I’ve felt for years can’t be for nothing. I’m truly afraid that the few who believe in me, will eventually give up on me, and then I’ll have nothing at all, except things to distract me.

[candiedspit]

Just to recap this last month: I had the stomach flu and the night I felt better my dad had a heart attack, he spent five days in the hospital, my aunt moved in, I got hypomanic and stayed up reading medical literature, quit working, went off Latuda, had a manic episode where I was hallucinating and talking fast and distractible, went back on Latuda, blacked out on klonopin about three times, went to a kratom bar for the first time, cried about not wanting my dad to die, dyed my hair black, bought Xanax and Percocet from my neighbor, took half the Xanax and had a panic attack, threw out the Percocet, wrote half of my novella, had a three day stress induced psychotic episode, my aunt left & my best friend came to visit …..so glad to have a quiet weekend to relax and reflect on everything (oh! I got a scholarship for a writing class on Jesus’ Son, my favorite book, the one I bring with me to hospitals)

[the-drug-addicts-diary]

I would like to say that I'm doing well, but honestly... i was living without any drug or alcohol for over a year, and i was fine, until i decided to quit smoking as well. It went surprisingly good at first.

But one day i didn't feel well so i decided to borrow a friend's cigarette and my mind went... boom?

In 1 week, hookah. In 9 days, L-dopa. In 10 days, random mix of pills. In 12 days, kratom, in 3 weeks, smoking again and sniffing my brothers home made caffeine, however stupid it may seem. Today I had to control myself hard so i wouldn't have a drink.

Now I'm not saying that this is a game over for me, but it certainly doesn't feel like winning either. It's risky. And besides the obvious, relapsing drug addiction kind of risky - I am a bipolar patient with lithium treatment. And since lithium is a poison, it's also very dangerous. But my medication is my safety net. If i'd have to make the choice, i REALLY fucking hope that i would rather decide NOT to use hard drugs with it, than gamble and possibly die.

I know it's not that bad, well, i don't even do anything i would actually like you know... junkie-worthy.

But I went from "i don't want to take this allergy pill because it makes me feel a little dizzy" to "let's do some kratom and sniff this pile of caffeine" surprisingly too fast for me to not be concerned.

I don't really know how to want to stop it.

I guess i just forgot what it feels like... I guess i forgot the rush of losing control.

Ugh shut up and stop romanticizing the very same thing that almost killed you, sicko. (Save it for another post.)

413 days sober

[mezmer]

So yeah I’m microdosing psilocybin now and I didn’t factor in how crazy that is with the damiana I drink at nighttime. The interaction between the damiana and wenis envy (I don’t actually know what strain these are but) is crazier than the interaction with the kratom which I would say is quite mild. and this is enabling me to lower my kratom tolerance, by taking less kratom, just because I won’t really need to

[lizzscore]

Everyday is a neverending battle. Some days I wake up with all intentions to be a better version of myself. I wake up planning to stay focused, set my boundaries, go to the gym, do my journaling, reading, or craft that I have decided I want to indulge in but then....everything changes. I don't know what stops me! Is it lack of motivation? Lack of energy? My ADD? I so badly want to be a healthier version of me, but I can't seem to get past the toxicity that I cling to. I've managed to stop drinking...I'm now 884 days California sober. Up until 2021, I never did anything with THC, but when me & my ex moved to North Carolina it all changed. I got into edibles bc I can't smoke: 1. Bc I can't inhale & 2. I like my lungs & being able to breathe. The edibles helped me with sleep & anxiety. However, those became the next thing I relied on, especially when I quit drinking. Then I tasted these kratom edibles & that's been something I can't seem to stop. I have trouble not spending money, though it's not necessarily on things I don't need. I spend money on fast food, groceries that I don't really need, gifts for other people, & so on. I have impulses. I'm unhealthy emotionally, physically & psychologically. I need to do so much better for myself!

[msexcelfractal]

Mixing drugs too obscure for the interaction checkedr. If I quit posting after today, you'll know that you can't do fly agaric, kratom and sabroxy together. Man, I'm fuckin wired!

[notjosieyouremy]

i spent basically my entire paycheck in a day. this is what i bought:

$200 went to my old apartments for the unpaid rent i owe them

$144 went to flea and tick medication for my dog, 6 months supply

that’s the end of purchases that were actually necessary. now we enter the land of dumb shit:

$158 for a 12 pack of these botanical shots that contain kava and kratom. they’re marketed as an alternative to alcohol. they give you a nice little buzz but it’s not worth the cost

urban decay all nighter setting spray ($17) and duri rejuvacote nail polish serum stuff ($14)

tiffany necklace ($149) and tiffany earrings ($224). i got them off ebay so i saved quite a bit

bésame magic color changing lipstick based on a vintage 1959 formula ($29). im obsessed with their packaging

bésame apricot cream rouge based on a 1938 formula ($24). bésame 1930s inspired perfume ($19). i ordered one but they sent me two. it smells exactly how my grandma used to smell

florasis blush in “drunk red” ($19). the packaging made me buy it

catkin liquid lipstick and clear lip gloss ($16 for for the pair). again, packaging is so pretty! are you kidding me!

ok. that’s all.