#queue: fell asleep at my desk

[sopiloveshobi]

Loved you from afar

Yoongi fluff that was in my head for a good few weeks. Inspired by my friend Taeyi. Shy Yoongi, non idol style. 4k words. No warnings. I hope it will make you feel warm and fluffy and head over heels for this Yoon. (didn't read it or spell checked sowwi)

‘I’m here!’ – you waived at the man walking down the mall along the shops towards you. He was holding two cups of coffee to go and a small bag which looked like the kind you would get from a pastry shop. He walked past few other people on the way and made his way to you. He was wearing a pair of shorts and long dark oversized t-shirt, high top converse with white socks sticking out. He smiled widely when he saw you waive. ‘The queue was crazy, I’m really sorry it took so long’ he muttered and handed you the drink. ‘It’s okay Yoongi, I told you it’s mental around this time of the day’ you smiled grateful he went to get lunch for the two of you. ‘Let me just let my boss know I’m going on a break’ you pointed at the inside of the clothing shop you were both standing in front and you disappeared inside for few moments, still holding your coffee. Yoongi nervously looked around, trying to find something to look at whilst waiting for you and he decided to just stare at his own shoes. You came back not long after, poked your head around the corner to see your friend just staring down. It wasn’t anything new to you, as he tends to be a little bit awkward in public. ‘All sorted, ready?’ you surprised him and he glanced at you, smiled and nodded.

Right outside of the mall on the left hand side was small park-ish area. Few swings for kids and benches for the parents. But it was all empty because it looked like everyone disappeared for lunch. The both of you moved towards the area, picked the cleanest bench and sat on it. It was getting colder as the autumn was approaching soon. The sun was still quite high, it just wasn’t giving the same warmth as two weeks ago. You have taken a sip of your drink and closed your eyes, listening to the silence surrounding the two of you.

‘Taehyung wanted to go to the movies later today’ Yoongi muttered kind of towards you but kind of just into the universe.

‘Oh really? What are you going see?’ you got interested right away. You knew Yoongi for years now. It’s been at least 8, maybe coming to be 9 soon? You became friends at school, then you graduated and still were hanging out, both got few part time jobs in the past few years. You also managed to hold a serious adult office job for about three months before you decided to get a degree - part time, which you also decided to abandon few weeks in. It was too stressful and all you wanted to do was to draw. You were really good at it, so you opened a small business on the side selling your digital prints and art you drew on your tablet. But it wasn’t enough to keep you going, hence the part-time job at the mall.

Yoongi always wanted to make music and he was doing it on the side. He was definitely making enough now to not work part time but for some reason when he found out you will be working in the same mall as him (before he decided to quit) he changed his mind and decided to stay. You never really questioned his decisions. During your summer breaks you spent hours together locked in one of your rooms, him making music at the desk and you drawing on your tablet. The perfect combination. Both the artsy types, both quite shy and timid. Not all the time tough, there were multiple crazy stories you could tell your friends. One of the more memorable ones was when the two of you got really drunk after work and you sat in a shopping trolley which he was pushing, while riding his skateboard. Both laughing like two crazy teenagers until the security got rid of you. Yoongi was shy. Very shy. But he was also so warm. He would always cover your with a blanket when you fell asleep and he continued working on his stuff. He would always bring you hot soup when you were ill. Lunch at work was always a must. He really cared. He was also the type to never admit if he ever had feelings for you. If he did, he treasured your friendship more. He could always be around you and catch you when you fall, without ever risking and jeopardising your current relationship. He could love you from afar. Of course he spent nights thinking if your lips would be soft on his, or what would it be like to hold your hand for real, not just for a second when you were wrestling on the bed. What would it be like for you to fall asleep on his shoulder, when you actually intended to put your head there, not just by accident when he was near by and you were too tired to sit straight. His stomach flipped every time you mentioned a date with someone. He was terrified of someone else having you, at the same time he would never stop you. And he was always there when you were broken up with by another guy who didn’t know what he could have. He watched all the silly films with you and devoured half of the tub of ice cream you always liked. He was always the one to peel a tangerine for you, or an orange when they were around. Without asking if you fancy one, he would just do it and hand it over to you.

‘I’m not sure but he wanted me to bring you with. He said he invited the new girl he was seeing and he wanted it to be little bit less official than a date’ Yoongi answered, slightly worried you might get the wrong idea about the entire thing. But it wasn’t the first time you would go to the movies as his +1. Anytime one of his friends needed a double date you two were the go to. Even though you obviously weren’t dating. Obviously to you, not so obviously to Yoongi. Well it was obvious enough but it started getting to him the more he thought on how long you two have been hanging out for. Nearly 9 years. He was a loyal friend, he was a loyal friend to his other friends too it was just the way he was. He brushed through his long dark hair, overgrown from the summer. He looked at you, nervous as always even though he asked you the same question multiple times before.

‘So WE are going? I didn’t really want to go out tonight but..’ you started, desperately trying to get your pastry out of the paper bag that was laying between you and him on the bench.

‘If you don’t want to I will tell him you had other plans’ he quickly jumped to conclusion. He would never want you to do anything that you weren’t comfortable doing.

‘No, no it’s fine. We can go’ you smiled seeing him getting flustered. He held the bag steady for you and you finally managed to get your piece out of the bag. You grabbed the pastry and bit into it right away. Sweet cream and jam inside filled your mouth and you felt better. Less dizzy and shaky. You didn’t have anything else this morning and Yoongi knew it. Because when you asked for lunch you asked for coffee only and he brought food. He knew you too well and he was sure you didn’t have anything else that day.

‘Are you sure? I can go on my own..’ he asked looking at your pretty face devouring the pastry he picked for you. He admired every second of every time spent with you. Your eyes wondering around the sky, which he dreamed of staring for hours at the time.

‘Yes it’s fine, let’s do it. What film?’ you looked at him again, in between bites.

‘I didn’t really ask, let me text him’ he got a little bit nervous, of course he forgot to ask Taehyung about the film, at the end of the day he didn’t really care. He knew he would have a good time because it was with you. ‘Anyway, I will pick you up at 7? I will take my mums car’.

‘Sounds good! And don’t worry we haven’t seen any of the new films anyway, so whatever Tae picked will be fine’. He loved how unproblematic you were. How easy it was for you to just go with the flow. It was easy for you because you knew that it was always a good time with Yoongi. You knew nothing bad will ever happen to you around him. He would always protect you and take care of you. And you loved it about him so much, but you could never admit it. How could you ruin a friendship like this? He was older so in your head he was always treating you like a younger sister. The age gap wasn’t that big, you met at school at the end of the day.

You picked a really flowy dress, the evenings weren’t super cold. Short green platted dress with a cream cardigan because it was an evening and the dress was on thin straps so you were bound to get cold and you promised yourself you won’t get Yoongi to give up his hoodie yet another time for you. You put few bits in your bag: lip balm, pack of tissues, your wallet and your keys and you run out seeing Yoongi approaching in his mums car. You got in and he got immediately flashed with your scent. Sweet but light floral perfume that you have been using for as long as he remembers. Your hair half-up, with the rest flowing down your shoulders. He got stunned. He couldn’t say anything, there was no thoughts in his brain apart from just how beautiful you looked that night.

‘Yoongi? Hello?’ you waved your hands in front of his eyes and he finally shook his head and came back to his senses.

‘Pull yourself together’ he whispered to himself and you heard him say something but you couldn’t make up any of the words.

‘What? Are you okay?’ you asked, but then he looked back at you, smiled and nodded.

‘Ready? You look great’ he complimented. He always said it. No matter what were you wearing and it was true. He loved you in every outfit. No. He was miserable about you in every outfit. Including his hoodie and joggers when you both got soaked that one night running home from the shop. You were perfect to him in everything you wore. Oh how miserable he was about you. And recently it has been becoming more and more impossible to hide it. He would stutter when you would approach him without a notice or he would get stunned just like just did in the car.

‘Let’s go!’ you said enthusiastically and put your hand into a fist and made a really awkward ‘lets’ gesture. He didn’t say a word the entire time to the cinema. Not a word. The music was playing in the background, nothing too crazy, nothing too loud. He was always quiet but he was acting really strange this time. Almost too strange. And when you started thinking about it, he did become different recently. He was more distant, quieter. He wouldn’t come around as much after work anymore. Is he dating someone? That was your first thought but then you declined that idea since he invited you to go and pretend to be double dating with Tae tonight. Surely he would of invited his real date if he had one.

Anyways you made it to the car park behind the cinema, walked inside and stood there for a while trying to localise Taehyung. But he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Not yet anyway.

‘Is he late? Are they late? I mean it’s nothing new for him, but isn’t the film about to start?’ you asked and looked at Yoongi as he was taking his phone out. You watched him text Tae for the 5th time in the span of 20 minutes as you were waiting for him. You turned around and looked at the popcorn machine and went towards it to get some for you and Yoongi. In that time Taehyung sent a message back to Yoongi ‘We are not coming. I will explain later’ is what the messaged said. You came back to him with a giant bucket of popcorn with a smile on your face excited to devour it during the film.

‘Well they are not coming apparently. Do you still want to go and see the film?’ Yoongi locked his phone and put it into his pocket. You looked at the popcorn in your hands and pouted at first because the idea to miss out on all of that crunchy deliciousness made you a little sad.

‘Do you?’ you asked quickly, still staring at the food.

‘Sure why not, we are already here and we got the tickets’ he nodded and took the bucket away from you. It was always like that with him around. You never had to carry anything, you never even have to ask. You never had to ask about the hoodie when you were shivering either. He just knew. He was a little bit excited for the idea of just the two of you in the cinema. All on your own. Last time you both went was few years ago and he was really nervous to just be alone in a dark room like that with you. Even though you spent hours overnight in each others houses. But the cinema was always a strange place that just gave him this one particular feeling. A feeling of a date.

You found the screening room and went inside. The ads have already started as you were waiting for Tae and his date for a while. Yoongi found your seats and lead you to it. There wasn’t a lot of people around anyway, not many people chose to come in on a weekday after all.

The film started uneventful, it was supposed to be a thriller but it doesn’t seem very thrilling at first anyway. You were slowly going through your bucket of popcorn when a huge yawn came out of you. You hid your face in your hands quickly with an apologetic look on your face, staring at Yoongi. He giggled as it made him laugh. The film wasn’t very good and he clearly could tell that you were getting bored too. But you both decided to give it another try and started paying attention again. The film did get better. The story moved at a faster pace and when a random guy popped out of a rubbish bin with a knife you jumped on your seat and your hand intuitively landed on Yoongis. He looked at your hand and froze for a second. You were now holding his hand. Well he was holding your hand. You two were holding hands. He gasped without you noticing but he didn’t pull away. He promised himself to distance himself from you. Give you space to breathe because even he could notice the way he was behaving around you recently. But today, the smell of you in his car, the green dress and the fact that Tae stood you two up made a potion of courage for him. He decided to just go with the flow. It wasn’t like him at all. But he kept wondering what would it be like to hold your hand, and how would your lips fit in his.

You noticed he was looking at your hands but you didn’t pull away either. You didn’t let him see that you saw him looking. What a huge game is being played here. Pretending to not see each other movements or delicate stares. You smirked to yourself and decided to pretend this is not a big deal. It’s just a hand, right? And then another strange thing happened in the film and you squeezed his hand. And all of a sudden he just let go of your hand and wrapped his arm around you. You froze. Yoongi? What the hell is this? He wasn’t looking at you, he just did this and went back to watching the film. But you couldn’t focus anymore, his fresh scent surrounded you. Just like every time you wore his hoodie. It felt so homey and fresh. His warm arm around you. You not moving an inch. You gulped. What is going on? You thought to yourself. He was never like this. He was never this brave, nor forward. But it felt so nice. You didn’t know what to do next. You were so conflicted already overthinking scenarios in your head. What if we won’t like each other like that for very long? What if he will get bored of me? What if…

He saw you having an internal conversation with yourself. He knew you too well and seen it too many times. He wasn’t sure what it was about but he could tell you stopped focusing on the film. Did I fuck up? He thought to himself but he didn’t move an inch. He looked at you again and he saw two round eyes staring right at him. There was nothing else around for him just the pair of your eyes looking at him. He exhaled loudly and looked away for a second. Brushed his hand through his overgrown long dark hair and looked back at you.

And there you were, still staring at him trying to read what was going on in his head. Trying to understand what was going on between the two of you just then and there.

‘Fuck it’ he said very loudly and leaned forward. Where did Yoongi found all of his courage to do all of this neither of you will ever know nor question. Because his nose was touching yours now, his eyes closed and his lips touching yours. And the both of you froze for a second. You didn’t back out but you didn’t kiss him back right away. You were trying to understand the motive behind his arm wrapped around you not beg for a kiss but he clearly read you wrong. Well wrong wasn’t the correct word. He understood you differently. And now his lips were at yours. Your stomach flipped and it felt like 10 thousand butterflies just hatched inside you and try to escape. You could tell he was nervous because his arm that was still wrapped around you was getting a little shaky and heavy. Without thinking too much anymore you started kissing him back and a slow and soft kiss turned into a slightly deeper one and he started grabbing you closer with the wrapped around you arm. You cupped his face with your hand and reciprocated every inch of his kiss. It felt like the both of you were floating above the seats now and nothing else really mattered anymore. The semi good film, the popcorn you had your eyes on for most of the duration of the film.

He finally had the guts to go for it. He didn’t know when was the next time will be, that it will be just the two of you in the cinema which for some reason he had really strong feelings about. It couldn’t be in the car. It also couldn’t be anywhere else. You kept making out until the film finished, without noticing and the lights turned on. Only then Yoongi realised that the film has finished and he let go of you and sat back in his seat. He didn’t say anything, he just smirked and then smiled with one of his gummy smiles to himself.

You got off your chair and looked at him for a second, really shy with flushed face. You were blushing, now that it wasn’t dark around the two of you. He followed, grabbed the rest of the popcorn bucket and took it with him to leave at the bin downstairs. Both of you silent, just moved towards the exit and then towards the exit of the building and straight to Yoongis mums car. No word, not a look not a sight was heard. The silence was deafening and it almost felt like either of you regretted what just happened. Yoongi couldn’t stop overthinking it. He was sure he fucked up. For once he had the guts to act the way he really felt and it all ruined your really long friendship. He just wanted to get you safe home and disappear for few days, give you time to breathe.

‘So…’ you finally opened your mouth as the both of you were standing in front of the car.

‘So..’ he answered looking away from you. Both of his hands in his pockets, playing with his shoe shyly. ‘Listen I know this wasn’t planned..’ he started again. He didn’t have a plan. Again. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. All he wanted to do is to lean you over the car and kiss you again and again. But you were still blushing and looking away from him just now.

‘It’s okay if you regret it’ you interrupted him right away. If? That sounded like you weren’t regretting it. He looked at you for the first time since you left the cinema. You were standing in front of him, pink nose from the wind outside, red cheeks and glary round eyes drilling into him.

‘I don’t..’ he braved it out of himself. He took a step towards you and you froze again. You turned your head to the side almost like asking a question and he took one of his hands out of the pockets of his hoodie and leaned forward towards you. ‘Come here’ he whispered and you took his hand. He pulled you closer and leaned you on the car door. Took few steps towards you, the tip of his nose touching yours. He bit his lip and then looked into your eyes. You gulped so loudly you could hear it. You closed your eyes before he closed his and he smirked and shook his head. Your insides flipped, the butterflies hatched in the second wave and started flustering inside you. You bit the inside of your mouth and patiently waited. But nothing happened. He was just there looking at you with your eyes closed. So you opened one of it and you saw him smiling. Gummy wide smile, eyes in half moons. Pure happiness and you have never seen him like this. ‘If I kiss you again, that will be it you know it?’ he finally managed to get few words out. ‘You will be mine and I won’t let you go’ he added before you had a chance to respond. And you nodded. That’s all you could do. Just nod. So he came closer and this time the both of you closed your eyes at the same time and his lips met yours again. It felt so right, it felt like this is what you have been waiting for, for years. Tears started rolling down your face as he kept kissing you more and more. And then he felt the tears and stopped.

‘Why.. why are you crying? Do you not want to?’ he got instantly worried and regretted being so confident in himself but you shook your head.

‘I didn’t know this was what I was waiting for, for all these years’ you answered and pulled him back to you. His head was spinning. You were his. He was holding you in his arms. He was kissing your lips. Finally. All the worries he always had stopped him from doing this went away. Maybe tomorrow he will think about it and worry about the future but for now. Now he had you and you were his.

‘I loved you from afar for years’ he didn’t think through what he was about to say. Today was the day he was just saying and doing everything he felt like was right. But you didn’t answer, just pulled him closer to you and hid your face in his arms. He hugged you so tight and wrapped his arms around you. And you felt safe. Like there was nothing else in the world that could hurt you. His pocket buzzed and he pulled out his phone to see a message from Taehyung.

'I hope you enjoyed ;)' . The both of you looked at the message and then saw Taehyung in a car parked opposite of you waving and showing his thumbs up.

[lorkai]

*･゜ﾟ A/N: Dumb idea I had while in class and actually won the poll, so I'm officially writing this with the older bros. I got exams next week so I'm only writing the younger bros + royal duo after I'm done with them. Might queue some drabbles in the meantime. Anyway, enjoy! ~

*･゜ﾟ Any warning: Not proofread, as always is gn reader. Crack-ish really and Luci's part is also the shortest

The first time it happened you were making breakfast, the smell of food in the air, the coffee ready and you running around to finish everything before the brothers showed up. Or at least, ironically praying that someone shows up to help you put the plates on the table and finish making the pancakes. And somehow, your wish was fulfilled, someone was with you in the kitchen, his footsteps softly hitting the floor and his arms encircling your waist, holding you close.

Except you only felt the touch, you didn't see his hands, his arms. And at that moment you turned and landed a pretty big punch in the air - or what should have been air. You hit something hard and when you looked at your hand there was blood there.

"Mc, do you happen to hate me?" Lucifer asks, his eyes gleaming as he slowly becomes visible to your human eyes.

"THE HELL? You were invisible! I thought you were some evil spirit wanting my soul, sheesh!"

You turned to finish your chores as Lucifer heaved a long breath, walking out of the kitchen, his nose still throbbing. At least you hit hard and he was proud of you for it.

⠀⠀⠀⠀

After the incident with Lucifer, you trained your ears to hear the subtlest noises around you. The sigh of the wind, the rustling of the trees, that sort of thing, the Morningstar with his bruised ego couldn't keep eye contact at the table and when his brothers found out the cause they all laughed. A mere human hit Lucifer so hard it made his nose bleed! Nobody would ever believe that!

So yes, you've trained your ears. Now that the brothers remembered that they could turn invisible you knew one of them would try to scare you. You were betting on Belphie maybe. He loved your attention. But Asmo could try that too, they all could and they all had different reasons for it.

The second time happened when you were studying. The story of Devildom started to play around in your head while the soft music playing on the radio made you feel drowsy, you debated whether you should just close your eyes for a few seconds and decided it was a good idea. Your head drooped onto the table and you settled into a comfortable position, closing your eyes and resting from all those difficult terms and turning away from unbelievable historical facts. After all, apparently a talking unicorn caused chaos in the, if compared to human times, Middle Ages.

You must have fallen asleep at some point. A gentle hand caressed your scalp as you felt the heat cradling your body completely, realizing a second later that you were no longer sleeping at your desk, but in your bed. Someone had moved you, closed the windows and turned off the lights, yet when your eyes opened you saw no one who could have done all that, though you could still hear a quiet humming sound. Except you didn't need to see him to know who was keeping you company at that moment.

"Mammon," you called. And on your other side you felt someone start, a loud sigh leaving his lips, as if he hadn't expected to be caught in such a moment. The hand upon your head moved away and even though you didn't see him, you knew he was covering his face and staring anywhere but your face. He was completely embarrassed, but at least he had failed to scare you and now you would use that against him. In the best possible way. "Oh, Mammon, I wish you were here so much. We would do lots of fun things and I would give you a thousand kisses and we would fall asleep holding each other, I would lay my head on your chest and before we fell asleep I would say I love y--"

Upon their eyes he became visible. Embarrassed, nervous, but determined to make your words come true, Mammon pulled you close and hid his face in your neck. He would need a moment to compose himself but in the meantime you would enjoy his awkward embrace.

"Ya gonna be the death of me, Mc..." He meekly said.

⠀⠀⠀⠀

Levi didn't leave his room. Never. If it were possible, do you think he wouldn't abandon comfort of his safe zone, and time and time again he asks you to take his deliveries and sign the necessary documents for him. Today it happened again. He had bought three different dakimakura, but several other goodies had come along and carrying all of them up the stairs was a bit of a challenge for you. You couldn't even see the path in front of you, luckily Beel saw you and helped you.

"Levi," You called. But there was no response from the demon. He was playing and wouldn't open the door for you, so you left the boxes on the floor and took a bunch of keys from your pocket, opening his door in a few seconds. "Gosh, it's so dark in here. Sorry Levi, but I'm going to have to do this."

You turned on the light, bracing yourself for his grumbles and complaints. However, all your ears picked up were the soft sounds of Levi's snoring and looking this way and that, you realized he must have been invisible. You started to wonder if it was just their nature or if they turned invisible of their own accord, or for some other reason. You decided you would talk to Solomon about this later. But for now, you left the boxes by the door and carefully made your way across the room with light steps, trying to weakly kick the air to figure out where Levi's body was.

Finally you found his huddled shadow in the bathtub, the television remote slipping from his hand. You leaned over him and brought your hand to his face, stroking the skin slowly, letting out a laugh. And then you moved with the intention of picking up his blanket that had fallen out of his bathtub, but at that moment you stepped on something hard. And a sharp cry was heard. You stepped on Levi's tail. And now he looked at you like a crying puppy, wanting to be comforted by you.

"That's what you get when you turn invisible." You muttered, trying to sound angry that you had to take another package while he slept. But your tone was filled more with mockery than anger. And Levi held back a noticeable eye roll. You sighed. "Make room for me, I'm coming in."

You just hoped he didn't use this ruse to get you to spoil him more than you already did.

[sophie-frm-mars]

I'm supposed to write for a living and for the last two weeks all the thoughts in my head have been about my shitty abusive ex, so what can I write? Maybe if I wrote down some of the things I'm thinking I could go back to thinking about Alex Jones or Elizabeth Holmes or any of the other terrible people I enjoy thinking and talking about. Maybe if I wrote it down I'd stop twitching when I'm falling asleep or trying to rest or sitting at my desk or waiting in a queue because I suddenly zapped back into the things that she did and the ways that she treated me.

I keep writing a letter to her in my head that I've affectionately titled 'Notorious Abuser'. I'm not gonna actually write it anywhere

But the thing that I think I'm trying to capture in that idea is how tiny and pathetic it makes me feel that people tried to tell me how bad she was before and I still fell for all her lies, I still let my guard down, I still let myself get hurt because I didn't think I was worth anything.

I tried to help her get better and she assaulted me, gaslit me and told me she would hurt herself if I didn't act like she wanted.

I keep wanting to break into saying the pointedly cruel things I say in this letter in my head, but all of them sound petty and small or ugly and not who I want to be. I'm not writing the letter, I'm writing down my thoughts so I can stop hyperventilating and crying once a day. I wrote what she did to me in another post on mastodon, and that helped a little. It feels good spreading the thoughts out a little, so there isn't just one intense trauma blog. I'm writing down my thoughts so I can sleep before 5am tonight

The thought that keeps ringing around in my head is like "what the fuck could someone have said to me that would have helped me understand sooner". I have to check the premise this comes from. A lot of people have been quite unpleasant about the fact they tried to tell me about her at the start, treated me like I've let them down somehow by being manipulated and abused. I've thought really hard about this for a long time, and there are three parties in the question of people around her being informed about the things she's done: me, her, and everyone else. I've really spent a LONG time thinking about this and it's not everyone else's responsibility, and it's not my responsibility, it's actually only one person's responsibility, and she fucking lies all the time. Trying to apportion blame anywhere else is just treating her like a morally absent person who can't be responsible for her actions, and she simply has to be responsible.

Should we try to warn people when we think someone could get harmed? Yes, I think so. I haven't experienced a lot of that. I didn't get warnings, and I'm not blaming anyone for that, because she told me that she was telling me about the full scale of what she'd done, and of course she wasn't becauss she just fucking lies all the time. So she told me that and I told people i already knew what she'd done and they didn't know what I didn't know.

I'm obsessing because it's late and I can't sleep and concerned anonymous messages get under my skin more than they should

She agreed to not date anyone new until she'd been through a process and then she messaged me on lex the week after

I want to get back to my question, because its something I've already thought about for a long time. I have a close friend who suffered intimate partner abuse for years. My best and oldest friend, actually, and we didn't speak for years because their life was being made so miserable by their abuser they couldn't reach out, and after I found out I hated myself for not knowing and i hated myself for not doing something and I hated myself for not knowing the magic thing I could have said that could have helped. They deserved for me to show up on a beautiful motorbike with a spare helmet and a warm hug and drive away into the sunset with them, and I hated myself every day for weeks and months and years for not having been able to somehow do that, and they've told me a dozen times now not to be sorry, but it still hurts, because someone hurt someone I love and that feels like something wrong with the universe.

Anyway, the magic words.

"the way she is treating you is wrong, and I'm not telling you to break up with her, and to be clear, the reason I am not telling you that is because I'm afraid that'll make you push me away and then you'll have fewer people around to help, but nonetheless that is not what I'm telling you. I'm just telling you that you are being harmed and that it is wrong when you are harmed and you deserve better"

It's a mouthful but I think that might have done it.

It took me 2 months to tell my long term partner that my abuser had assaulted me. It took me another 2 months to break up with my abuser, and another month after that to tell my partner the parts that made her say she wanted to "scratch her fucking eyes out". If any of these thoughts are helping you right now, don't think that not reacting strongly and quickly means you weren't actually harmed.

I want to think about the terrible people I enjoy thinking about and not the terrible person that thinking about makes me wake up panicking. Here's hoping writing this helps empty Notorious Abuser out of my head and makes more room for my precious terrible boy Alex Jones

She told me to change a line about him in something I wrote. I said Alex Jones may never deserve sympathy again, and she wanted me to change it because she didn't want me using my platform to say that anyone is ever irredeemable. I don't think that. But I said "may" for a reason. Alex Jones is someone who's done horrible things and shows no sign of doing anything even remotely like changing, or taking responsibility for the harm he's caused, or doing anything to put any of it right. Someone like that could perhaps do things to become deserving of sympathy, but the actual reality is that Jones has done nothing to change or put things right, and lies about the things he's done, the reasons they're bad, the things being done to make him take responsibility and the character of the people making that effort. Alex Jones may never deserve sympathy again

[thingswhatareawesome]

starting the irregular moogle stones with a bang X|

took monk into alliance roulette to try to get the weekly syrcus and bc leveling monk (low 50s). was super drowsy through labrynth of the ancients, bc ofc that's the one i got, then same in syrcus when doing that after. then tried to do a prae run for the stones/xp but also for my wt journal, still drowsy.

fell hard asleep. like HARD asleep. somewhere in the cs prior to nero i think. woke up standing in ul'dah confused as fuck, scrolling up to see party chat discussing whether to kick me. i'm so fucking embarassed, like i just sat there for the longest time just wallowing in how embarassed i felt. even though those people are total strangers and i won't run into them again.

tried doing the msq roulette again (no problem queueing again, if there was a penalty i'd been out of it long enough to wait it out), got prae again, finished that time at least.

but jfc i still want to hide under my desk, bc what an idiot -__- at least i only need like 275ish tomestones this round.

[picklesabroad]

Catching up

Woweeeeee! That last post feels like a year ago. I remember that feeling - heavy eyelids, slipping into delirium, watching every single plane leave and wishing it was my plane. Woweeee. I am happy to not do another long haul flight for a long, long time.

To update you on my travels.

I made it to Amsterdam. My flight was very slow getting off the ground. I have never seen an airport like Heathrow - I reckon they had one plane land every minute. We had to queue with about 9 other planes when we were getting ready to take off. I have never, ever seen a queue like that at an airport.

Flying into Amsterdam was like a dream. Flat for as far as the eye can see, fields into the distance. I saw the occasional strip of tulips - red and yellow from the sky. Beautiful. We touched down at Schiphol and I pretty much ran out of the plane and through the airport. I was ready to see Lu, and knew he was on the other side of customs.

Passport control was a man at a desk who barely looked over his glasses at me, stamped my passport and waved me through. I was on to customs - gulp. I was ready for the lines. I travelled completely carry on, so I managed to shoot past the baggage claim and through the 'nothing to declare' customs door to... the arrivals lounge? Evidently, there is no real customs control in Schiphol - or I wasn't selected from the hoards of people pouring through the doors.

I was still stomping away on my mission, when like the red sea, the crown parted and there was a familiar face - Lu, with a 'Welcome to Amsterdam' sign. I had a tear in my eye when I hugged him. It was a good moment. Lu whisked me back via the train and the tram to his apartment in Jordaan, where Ayesha and L&A's mates, Nick and Ryan were waiting. I was feeling great, until I had a hot shower and I just wilted. We popped out for dinner at a burger joint called Biscuit Baby, and while I was there I was fading fast. When I said to Lucas 'Lu is this table shaking or is that me' he decided it was time to drop me into bed. I managed to hold out until about 9pm which did wonders for the jet lag. I dropped into bed and fell straight asleep. BLISS.

[isisprosser]

@inbatcountry17

Oooh, nice! Always loved the aesthetic of 80′s dystopian works, so there’s definitely plenty of influence there!

[haikyuuhoo]

oh how I wish I had a haikyuu boy to cuddle with after spending hours sitting at my desk and doing homework. queue brainrot:

Kita would rub your back just right when you climb into his arms. He’s happy to see you finally coming to bed, baby was trying to stay awake hoping he’d see you before he fell asleep. He saw you working when he got home, knew it was gonna be one of those nights, brought you dinner and let you work and everything. And you finally come into the bedroom looking exhausted, you crawl right into his arms and tuck your head under his chin. He knows the feeling, presses kisses to the crown of your head and lets his hand travel along your back, soothing you to sleep.

Kuroo would notice that you’ve been at your desk for hours and would finally pull you away. You’re in a rolling office chair and he literally tugs it through the apartment because you haven’t listened to him for the last three hours while he’s been trying to get you to take a break. Tells you that you can only go back to work after you watch one episode of New Girl with him--they’re short, it’s not a long time commitment, you can get back to work after you relax--he does a good job at convincing you. You don’t go back to work though, falling asleep on his chest on the couch not even halfway through the first episode.

Atsumu’s so whiny. He was at practice all day and all he wants now is to relax with you, but you keep brushing him off, something about “just twenty more minutes, ‘tsum.” Just wants to hold you, so he settles for sitting by you and watching you work, nearly falling asleep on your shoulder, but he’s so cute with the way he asks questions about the topics you’re working on, trying to stay awake so you can go to bed together. When he finally starts to doze off is when you get up to coax him to bed, and he convinces you to stay with him--not like you could really leave though with the way he holds you against his chest.

Oikawa would rest his chin on your shoulder when he passes your desk, watching you work every so often. Asks “what’re you working on now?” and lingers for a few minutes before heading off to do his own thing again. His “visits” get longer and longer though, and before you know it he’s coaxing you out of your chair. “You’re still working on that? I need your help picking a show to watch.” “Are you hungry? Come see what we have for dinner, I’ll make you something.” “You finished? I’ll do the dishes, but then I need you to look at this outfit I picked out for tomorrow.” Once he gets you out of the chair to see what he’d picked for an event he had to go to, though, you don’t make it out of the bedroom, your exhaustion finally catching up to you, and Oikawa smiles, making a whole show of tucking you in and kissing your head and doing your skincare for you while you snuggle into the covers.

And god forbid you’re pulling an all nighter and Kenma notices he’s heading to bed before you. It’s not unusual for the lights to be out when he goes to bed, so he doesn’t turn them on as he heads to the bathroom to get ready to go to sleep because he doesn’t want to wake you. But when he pulls back the covers, about to get in and pull you to his chest so he can fall asleep, he notices the bed’s empty. Gets the cutest little frown on his face when he goes out to where you’re working and sees you with your lamp on, hunched over a book. You look up when you notice him, and he’s wearing plaid pajama pants and an old volleyball t-shirt, and you realize it must be late. “Hey, I’m almost done, I’ll be in in a bit,” you say and give him a tired smile. But he doesn’t leave, comes over muttering sleepily about how you need to make sure you get enough rest, the hypocrite. And because you’re tired too, you let him drag you to bed; he barely lets you change into your pajamas before he’s coaxing you under the covers and falling asleep nearly as soon as his head hits the pillow.

[funfickgirl22]

Night shift staff.

Walter Marshall x Reader

words: 630

warning: verbal abuse

You were working as a cleaner at the local police station. You wanted to have some extra hours, so your boss asked you to clean the detective department on Friday evenings. No one pays attention to you, or at least that's what you thought. You were invisible to most of the people, but not to Walter Marshall.  

Walter agreed to work on the night shift, as his insomnia was hitting him hard. He always preferred to be by himself until the moment he saw you. You had an incredibly warm smile and round rosy cheeks. Your eyes were so beautiful and yet tired, same as his own.  He was the only one who was greeting you and wished you a good evening in his team. He got shy every time he saw you walking past him.  

It was one of those weeks when the local police station worked on a difficult case, everyone was on it, tried to save as many people as possible. Walter was single for a while now, no one really took care of him. Sometimes he was hoping that you could be the one who is going to do for him

On one of the Friday nights, you knocked at the Marshall's office doors, wanted to clean up his office. There was no response, therefore you thought no one is there. When you had entered the room, you found Lieutenant sleeping on his chair with an open mouth. He looked adorable. You wanted to snuggle him. At the sofa next to his desk, there was a brown blanket, a gift from his daughter Fray. You took it and placed it on Walter, making sure he won’t get cold during his nap.  

You were not aware that he was awake. Walter had a closed eye. Your gesture warmed his heart. This girl will be mine – he thought and after that, he fell asleep again.  

Next Friday, Walter was excited to see you again. He was ready to ask you out, but you haven’t shown out. You took a day off to be able to go on a date. It was a blind date organized by your sister. You sat in the dinner, waiting for him to show up, regretting every lost moment. Your date has arrived 20 minutes late.  

In the meantime, Walter had decided to grab something to eat. The Lieutenant entered the same diner, where you had your date. Marshall ordered his meal, waited patiently in the queue. Everyone has heard someone raising their voice. Walter turned his head and noticed you at the edge of tears and your date shouting at you because you spilled your coffee. Walter has moved and within a second was next to your table, grabbing your date's collar. The detective showed him his police plate and ask him to leave immediately. Once this dude has left, Marshal sat down next to you and hugged you. It was so nice to be in his arms. After a few awkward moments, you thanked him.  

“Thank you, Sir, I am fine now.”  

“Don’t be silly, you know I am a Walter. This guy...do you know him.”  

“Well, he was my blind date. Doesn’t matter now. Thank you once again.”  

Walter had a soft spot for you, he didn’t want to see you, upset. He had an idea. 

“Would you mind having a meal with me? I don’t want to eat alone tonight, later I will take you home.”  

“Amm... I wouldn't mind that, actually.” You send Walter a shy smile.  

Next few hours you had a nice conversation with Walter. Once he drove you home, he officially asked you out. Of course, you agreed. Guess what, since then you were going on the dates all the time, but only with Walter Marshall.  

[crispychrissy]

Connected - Part 4

Summary: Dr. Austin's theory is put to the test, and she shows Tony, Bucky, and Steve the woman behind the mystery. Pairing: Eventual Bucky Barnes x Reader Word Count: 2976 Warnings: Angst, medical stuff, stretching the medical science behind the super soldier serum, discussion of Bucky's previous trauma & a mention of the horrible things the Nazi's did A/N: I apologize for the late posting, I fell asleep so hard last night I didn't have a chance to queue this, and then I was out all day (good 14 hours out and about) so I am just now able to post the new chapter since I'm home now. As I mentioned in a prior post, I no longer have a forever taglist, but I will still tag series specific people if they request. You can also follow this story & others on my Ao3 as well. The series was beta’d by the lovely @idjitmonkey and I hope you enjoy! Please send me an ask if you would like to be tagged in the series. :)

Series Masterlist – Marvel Masterlist

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆

Bucky made a quick call to Shuri who, after a thorough interrogation as to why he was asking, assured him his arm would not be affected by the magnets of an MRI machine. So now, Bucky was laying down on his back inside the machine and staring at the small glass covered camera embedded in the inside curve of the plastic above him.

“Stop staring at the camera, Barnes, you’re giving off some crazy resting murder face right now,” Tony’s staticky voice came through the pair of disposable earbuds he was wearing to protect his hearing from the noise of the scan. “Might sell these scans to Ripley’s Believe It or Not. You actually do have something going on in that head of yours.”

“As much as I know you want to answer, Sergeant Barnes, please do not speak or move,” Dr. Austin’s voice came through after what sounded like a small scuffle for the microphone.

Bucky blinked several times in an unnatural yet controlled fashion, and when he heard Steve’s laughter coming through the earbuds, he had to fight the urge to smile, knowing Steve got the message he blinked out in Morse code.

F-U-C-K Y-O-U T-O-N-Y

The scan was over almost a half an hour later, and Bucky couldn’t hide his exhale of relief once the table began to slide out of the massive scanner. Confined spaces still made his skin crawl and flash back to the cryo tube he was kept in, but the MRI was surprisingly open in design and not like the ones he usually remembered seeing in hospitals. When he brought it up to Dr. Austin on their way back to her office, she smiled at him and explained most of the soldiers they treat have PTSD and claustrophobia, so an open MRI design was necessary for the comfort of the patients she treats.

It made sense, and when they entered her office and Bucky’s stomach growled for the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes, she tossed him the orange he’d been eyeing earlier before taking a seat at her desk and flipping open her laptop.

“Normally we have to wait for the images to be reviewed by a radiologist, but I’m well versed in how to read brain scans,” Dr. Austin explained, clicking a few times before leaning forward to study the screen. “Oh, wow.”

“What?” Bucky asked, using his teeth to bite a chunk of the orange’s peel off since his right hand didn't have nails long enough, and his left didn’t have nails at all. Once he could see the flesh of the orange underneath, he slid his flesh finger under the remaining peel and began to remove it in large pieces, trying to avoid getting sticky juice on his metal hand.

Dr. Austin spun her laptop around to show Bucky the image on her screen. It was a scan of his head, he could tell that, but the mess of swirling bright colors on the inside where his brain was made his eyes hurt. There were bright greens and blues swirled with more vibrant reds and pinks dancing around inside the image. “This is your brain.”

“Looks more like those posters… the ‘this is your brain on drugs’ pictures if they were made in the sixties, Doc,” Tony said. “I’m guessing it’s not supposed to look like that?”

“No. There’s so much brain activity that it’s likely what’s been burning through your energy and why you’ve been hungry all the time,” Dr. Austin explained. “Any type of brain activity, including emotions and problem solving, requires energy, whether it’s planning a complex strategy of attack for a mission or a simple math problem or crying at a sad part in a movie. Overworking the mind usually leads to tiredness, which leads to sleep, naturally refreshing those energy reserves. Most humans don’t expend enough energy, even when the brain is very active, to require major replenishment. Take Mr. Stark for example.”

Tony looked up and raised his eyebrows. “Me?”

“Yes, you’re a very intelligent man, and I’m guessing that when you’re elbow deep in your inventions or developing something, you don’t sleep and will go days without rest… so you find you get somewhat hungry at random times, right?” Dr. Austin asked.

“Well, yeah, I usually keep snacks around the lab that I nibble on so I don’t have to leave to make an actual meal. It ruins the momentum,” Tony said, confusion in his voice. “Pep’s found me passed out over the kitchen counter halfway through making a sandwich.

“Your body shut down and went to sleep before you were even able to replenish that energy via food since sleep is more efficient. So, that is a normal human mind.” Tony opened his mouth to protest, when Dr. Austin rolled her eyes and switched analogies. “Fine, that’s a standard engine, if you will, that can easily be refueled by a small energy source for a limited amount of time before it needs to be shut down and rebooted,” Dr. Austin said, slowly twirling her right pointer finger in a circle.

“Alright, I’m following you so far.” Tony’s head was slightly moving along with the circular rotation of her finger.

“Now, in the case of our super soldiers here, imagine that engine, but amplified almost five hundred percent,” Dr. Austin began to rotate her finger faster and faster until it was a blur of movement. “The need for sleep is suppressed by the serum, since alertness is crucial in combat, so that reboot requirement is easier to put off. In order to keep this kind of engine going at the same speed and level of activity for prolonged periods, it would burn through a small snack, or a small source of energy, too quickly and would signal the driver of the car, if you will, that it needed more.”

“So you’re saying that something is making Bucky’s brain so active, and he’s burning through so much energy, that it’s manifesting as hunger to make sure he keeps up with what’s being expended?” Steve asked, his mouth slightly open in shock. “I mean, I always remember being hungry after mission strategy and planning meetings, but I just assumed it was because I was bored or had skipped a meal.”

Dr. Austin shook her head. “Nope. You were using your brain in overdrive, doing quick calculations and mission scenarios in your head to find the best possible plan of action, much faster than any normal human brain would be able to calculate. It makes you an excellent strategist, but that kind of brain power burns a lot of energy.”

Bucky snorted in disbelief and leaned forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees. “It makes sense. I was a good sniper when I was first in the Army during the war, but after Zola… after he injected me with that bastardized version of the serum… I could calculate trajectory angles and wind velocities and distances in my head in seconds, didn’t have to write them out to do the calculations. Didn’t even need a spotter anymore.”

Dr. Austin nodded. “Exactly. The serum allowed you extra mental acuity at the expense of more energy consumption.”

“But that doesn’t explain why Bucky’s brain is lit up like a psychedelic Christmas tree,” Tony said, gesturing to the laptop image. “Barnes obviously isn’t doing any kind of advanced calculus in his head right now.” Tony looked at Bucky. “You’re not right?” Bucky shook his head and Tony continued, “so why is his brain so active?”

“And that leads me to my theory about Y/N,” Dr. Austin said, standing up from her chair. “Follow me, gentlemen. And Sergeant Barnes,” he looked over and raised a brow as he trailed after her into the hallway, “please let me know if you feel any increased feelings of hunger or exhaustion. The effects might come on quickly, so please let me know if, or when, you feel anything.”

Bucky nodded, and looked over to where Steve was walking to his right. Thanks to their childhood friendship, Steve could always see anxiety and nervousness in Bucky even when he tried to hide it, like when he saw Bucky off the morning he shipped off to Europe. Bucky kept his face stoic, but when Steve hugged him goodbye, Bucky was practically trembling under the Army-hardened mask he had worn then.

Steve reached over and clasped a comforting hand on Bucky’s shoulder, giving him a squeeze of reassurance.

The doctor led them down several hallways, until they reached another wing of the military hospital which held secure patient rooms that could be locked down if necessary, whether due to outbursts of violence due to psychological issues from recovering soldiers or to hold prisoners who had been injured and needed medical intervention. Dr. Austin stopped in front of a room at the end of the hallway and gestured to the one-way mirror in front of her.

“Gentlemen, meet Y/N Y/L/N.”

The three men stepped closer and looked into the room, all eyes frozen on the figure sitting upright in the hospital bed. Y/N had shoved herself in the farthest possible corner of the bed, her knees tucked under her chin and arms wrapped around her legs. The photo in her file, and even the video of her they’d seen looked nothing like the woman before them. She looked almost emaciated, her skin a sickly pale that was almost translucent, and her stringy grease matted hair twitched slightly as her body trembled.

“Jesus,” Steve breathed. “She… she looks like those prisoners… the ones—”

Bucky swallowed and nodded. “From Natzweiler, yeah, I remember.” Bucky took a deep breath, fighting against the telltale tingle in his mind of a long since forgotten memory beginning to rise up like a wave. “Doc… is she eating?”

“She was when she first got here, but only if the food was left for her after she passed out from exhaustion,” Dr. Austin explained. “Now, ever since things have escalated, she rips out her IV’s, pulls out NG tubes, and refuses any food we bring her. I’m not going to sedate her just because it’ll make it easier to feed her, we haven’t reached that level of intervention yet, but we’re getting close. She told one of our staff yesterday, in Russian, that she was not going to eat any of our poisoned food, that she wasn’t some kind of lab experiment and that we were animals for not just shooting her in the head to get it over with.”

All of the air in Bucky’s lungs came out in one hard breath like he’d been punched in the chest, and he had to brace himself against the windowsill to keep his knees from buckling. “Fuck.”

“Bucky?” Steve gasped at Bucky’s sudden weakness, grabbing onto his friend’s arm and placing a gentle hand on his back. ”What? Are you feeling the stuff Dr. Austin mentioned?”

Bucky grit his teeth and closed his eyes at the onslaught of memory fragments bombarding him. “No, I’m… I don’t know, maybe? I just… she’s…” Bucky’s thoughts were so jumbled he could barely form a coherent sentence, even in his head. He made a choked off noise that sounded more like a sob before he lifted his head to look at Y/N. “She’s reliving my captivity with Hydra. This… this was after I was transferred from the facility the Russians held me in after they found me to the one where Zola did his experiments. They were, umm, they were testing the limits of the serum, trying to figure out what I could survive.”

Steve’s face dropped and he took a sharp breath in. Bucky’s captivity and torture was not something he talked about often outside his therapy sessions. Steve only knew a handful of stories, ones that had come directly from Bucky’s mouth, and even then they were very hard stories for him to tell—lots of starting and stopping, frequent breaks, and plenty of tears. But here, with two extra people with him, and one being a stranger?

“Buck, you don’t have to talk about it,” Steve whispered.

“No, I need… she said exactly what I said to the guards who brought me food one day.” Bucky swallowed hard, flexing his fingers against the painted metal of the windowsill, the cold against his flesh hand grounding him. “They were testing different poisons and how the serum would fight it off… arsenic, ricin, even different kinds of snake and spider venom. I had seizures, strokes, and my heart stopped so many times I lost count.”

“Fucking hell,” Tony murmured, leaning against the wall behind them, his face a few shades paler than it was ten minutes ago. “Y/N is reliving your memories, reliving your life.”

“We need to find a way to pull her out of this,” Bucky said, straightening up with determination even though his bones felt like liquid and his mind was full of numbing static. If Y/N was reliving his life, even if it didn’t seem like the moments were in order, he knew it was only a matter of time until she would experience how the Winter Soldier was born, how he was forged, and he wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Dr. Austin nodded and looked back at her patient through the glass. “If my theory is correct, which I believe it is based on your shared memories and brain scans, Y/N’s mind has somehow melded with yours. And your memories, powered by your mind’s energy, have somehow taken over hers, suppressing her personality completely. I don’t know if it was some kind of dormant mutant ability that was activated by the trauma of her captivity and torture, or something else… but there is obviously some kind of link between the two of you that we don’t have the technology to test for and verify. You’re essentially feeding her your memories, which is why your brain is lit up like that and why you’re expending so much energy.”

“It’s like she’s stuck inside one of Stark’s virtual reality headsets and can’t take it off, experiencing everything I went through while my brain keeps playing her different…” Bucky trailed off and his eyes widened before his head snapped to look at Y/N through the glass.

In a flash of movement, Bucky grabbed Dr. Austin’s ID badge from where it was clipped onto her white coat and darted for the door to Y/N’s room, scanning the badge so the door opened with a green light and soft click. Bucky, ignoring the shouts of his name and hands trying to grab at him to pull him back, opened the door and shut it firmly behind him, engaging the door’s auto-lock safety feature that he knows secure wings of hospitals have. The group outside would need to find another ID badge to get in, which would buy him some time.

Y/N’s wide and terrified eyes settled on him, and she tilted her head in an almost confused dog-like fashion, her eyes softening with an air of familiarity. Bucky could feel the hunger gnawing at his stomach turn into sharp cramps that almost made him double over, and there was a soft circle of darkness starting to creep in around his vision.

Bucky took three large steps forward, and even though she flinched away at his sudden movement, Y/N didn’t scramble away to try and avoid his hands as he lifted them. Her weary bloodshot eyes were full of unshed tears, and the closer Bucky’s hands got to her face, the more she began to tremble.

“You’re safe,” he whispered to her in Russian, before repeating the same sentiment in English.

The moment his fingers, both flesh and metal, touched the skin on either side of her face, it felt like he was on the wrong side of an attack from Thor’s hammer. Whatever weakness and hunger he’d been feeling was burned out of his body at the sheer shock cascading through his entire being. It didn’t hurt, but it was bordering on wildly uncomfortable, and Bucky was afraid he’d never be able to let go, his hands stuck to Y/N like a magnet.

There was something different passing between them, more than what touch alone could provide. Trying to understand everything that was happening was overwhelming, but when Bucky focused, he could almost feel Y/N inside his mind, like another whisper of a presence, a ghost in his consciousness. When he reached out in his head for her where he’d felt the ghost of her presence, he was assaulted with bursts of memories he knew were not his own, images of unfamiliar people, places, and things flashing in his mind like photographs. Bucky's curiosity was almost childlike, awestruck and trying to understand what his brain was comprehending, sorting through what Y/N was showing him.

The more information Bucky absorbed, the darker each memory became until it felt like he was wading through molasses, each image being harder and harder to move past. A hoarse whisper of “No” echoed in his mind, and Bucky couldn’t tell if it was his own voice or Y/N’s.

A solid arm wrapped around Bucky’s middle, one much more firm than human flesh would be, and pulled him backward until his hands dropped from Y/N’s face, breaking whatever connection had refused to release him when he’d touched her. Reality came rushing back, and the room and people around him flashed into existence, the change in environment and sound disorienting him and leaving him panting for breath, his knees wobbling.

“She…” Bucky looked over at Y/N, who was just as distressed, and watched her collapse onto the bed, unconscious, before his vision blacked out and darkness took him as well.

***

Connected Tags: @ginger-swag-rapunzel @that-one-gay-girl @fanofalltheficsx @joseyrw @lana-writes-04 @gia-25 @klanceiscannon14 @ahahafudge

[winterstorm12]

Fearful Part 6

*Warnings: some light swearing, mentions/describing of torture, blood, nightmare*

Longer than normal, sorry! Needed to write some things for context.

Part 7

English is not my first language, so all mistakes are my own.

Steve brought you to room 9 and showed you around. ‘It’s not much... but it’s clean and safe.’ You wobled inside, still getting used to the crutches and looked around.

The room wasn’t big, but it was clean as Steve said. Bed in the corner with a nightstand and a lamp, a desk with table, and a small separate bathroom. ‘Sorry, no windows... but we do have AC!’. Steve laughed, trying to ease the tension in the room.

‘Yeah...’ was the only thing you could answer. Picking up on this queue, Steve got ready to leave you alone. ‘Oh... my room is down the hall, number 1. If you need something, come find me.’ He stood akwardly in the doorway, fidgeting with his hands. 

‘OK...’

‘Okay..’ Steve replied and closed the door behind him. You were now left by yourself in the room. You threw the crutches in the corner and hopt to the bed. You sat down and took a moment to digest some of the things that had happened. You needed to put it into perspective. 

1. Unwelcome visit from your past

2. Wasn’t able to escape them and got caught

3. Lost mobility in your right leg

And 4..... now you’re stuck in this building with the people that betrayed you years ago. But try to be nice to you all of a sudden? And you have no real plan on how to get out of here....  

You expected them to put you into a cell, like they did last time. So your current room was kind of a curve ball. Did they try to make you lower your guard? Putting you into a cell the moment you fell asleep maybe? 

You started to feel how tired you really were. The adrenaline had worn off and now you were left with having no energy at all. No matter what, you didn’t have control over the situation. Even if you were to wake up in a cell, with one leg and faulty arms, no chance of escaping. So best to ‘’try’’ and get some sleep and think of a plan when you were recharged.

You grabbed the pillow and blanket from the bed and slid down onto the floor. You threw the bedding into a corner and crawled your way over. You closed your eyes the moment your head hit the pillow, and you fell asleep. Only, it wasn’t pleasant.

-----------------

NIGHTMARE

Flashes of memories entered your dream. Doctors in lab coats torturing you. Breaking your legs over and over untill you couldn’t feel them anymore. Screaming so loudly that your throat became raw and voiceless. Being beaten to a pulp, just to be put into a oxygen deprivation chamber. The feeling of wanting to die but being brought back, just so they could torture you some more. The last screams for help of people you killed and the fear in their eyes. Them begging you to spare them and the piercing sound of gunshots echoing throughout.

Hydra managed to snap your mind, but they never managed to completely erase your personality. But they didn’t think that, after all the torture you had gone through, you’d ever be capable of waking up fully. The thing about torture is that if it’s around the clock, your body becomes immune to it after a while. It was at that point that the doctors decided to push harder on the brainwashing part of the program. With you being a shell, it would be easier to program you.... no resistance. Your mind was broken and you had no will of your own anymore. But one thing that they could never take away from you was revenge. No matter how terrible the torture was, you hyper focused on the doctors hacking into you. Their faces burned into your soul, never wanting to forget them.   

These sort of memories were common to emerge when you tried to sleep. It became normal practise almost up to the point where you started to become numbed down again. Your feelings would shut off and your mind would break a thousand times over. While the last couple of years on the run reintroduced you to certain emotions, you still were not capable of handling them properly. It was far easier to not have emotions at all. Even if that would make you less human and more machine. 

- Small Flashback - 

The most common emotions you started to experience after escaping from Hydra were anger and frustration, followed by paranoia (which made sense considering your trauma) and panic. When the avengers first caught you and brought you back to HQ, they evaluated the situation. Stark was quick to assume you were a basket case, too dangerous to keep. Steve on the other hand was adament that they should try the best they could, for now. Non invasive experiments were performed to evaluate your mental state of being. Stark was shocked, to say the least, and knew he needed help in this matter. And who better to ask then someone (or someones) who had experience with winter soldier rehabilitation? 

Stark contacted Shuri first, asking her how to best go about scanning your brain and hopefully rebooting it. She suggested Stark to put you on ice, to be on the safe side, create a copy of your brain and perform tests on the digital copy of your mind. When asking whether this would achieve anything Shuri sight. 

‘I looked at the quick scan you took...and I have to say...it’s bad. Her mind is far more damaged than that of Bucky when he came here.’ Stark was afraid that would be the case when he looked at the quick scan. But he had promised Cap he would give it his all, so what was this but another puzzle waiting to be solved?

He followed Shuri’s advice and made a digital copy of your mind. It was a struggle getting you back in the ice, but Steve made sure you wouldn’t feel alone. After a couple of days, Tony found the triggering sentence and numbers that activated your programing. Amazed that is was one sentence and a few numbers, Stark updated the team and got back to work. 

With trial and error, he was able to recover some of your pre-Hydra memories. It wasn’t much, aside from a few flashes here and there, but he was able to find out your name, Y/N. Steve was excited by this development. ‘We could use this to build a bond, right?’

‘Technically....yes... but we weren’t a part of Y/N’s past. So it will be extremely difficult to build a bond based on the knowledge of a name alone...’

‘No matter how small the chances of success are, we’ve got to try!’ Steve responded and started to think of ways to make you remember your name. 

With Bucky it was different. He had hours upon hours of memories to share with him, but with you.... there was no material at all he could use. So the best thing he could think of was trying to make you remember your name. And after that he would try and create new memories with you. Maybe a bit of classic music could help? He had no clue what age you were, but who didn’t like a bit of 40s music to start out with? Steve was certain that exposing you to modern music would be a terrible idea.. (even he still struggled with the modern music taste people had).   

- End Flashback, Memory emerging - 

Overall you kept a tight lid on your emotions when you left your temporary hidding places. You kept talking to strangers to an absolute minimum (only if you had to) and made sure you would go the long way round when returning to your ‘home’. While certain events, which would be everyday practise for ‘’normal’’ people, cause emotions to involuntarily emerge.... you always tried to get rid of them as quickly as you could. But sometimes you weren’t able to put the genie back into the bottle.  

You found yourself back in the small grocery store, somewhere in the northern region of France - Normandy, to buy some bread. You tried to grab some coins from your pocket, but your prosthetic arm froze, so you dropped the coins on the ground. A large framed man behind you got angry for having to wait longer now to get served while you picked up the coins. The older lady standing behind the counter tried to control the situation and said softly not to worry about it. You could feel panic starting to leak out and knew you had to get out of the store as quickly as you could. 

With difficulty you managed to pick up the coins and tried to stand up. The moment you did, the angry man put his hand on your shoulder while screaming at you, and this triggered your paranoia. Your face blank, you quickly spun around and grabbed the mans arm. You twisted it violenty till it snapped and pushed him into a rack filled with biscuits. The man fell to the floor and cried out in pain. The old lady behind the counter showed absolute horror on her face. Screaming in a high pitched voice while holding the countertop tightly. Her body shaking violenty she tried to pick up the phone. Most likely to call an ambulance and the police.

Panic taking over completely, you slammed the money on the counter. Not bothered that you paid more than the bread was worth, you grabbed the loaf of bread and ran out the store. Soon after you left the quaint sea side town you stayed at for a couple weeks, and started searching for a new place to lay low.

But the face the old lady had, full of disgust and fear wouldn’t leave you. She was the first normal human who treated you like any other customer who passed through her tiny store. Sometimes she would leave some cookies out and asked you to try them. You were very akward but after a couple of visits you started to feel a bit at ease around her. You never said more then a few words, but she loved talking to you. Sharing stories of her past or tales of visitors that had visited her throughout the years. 

As she struggled with moving around the store, you would pop in from time to time to help her stock the store. She has seen your metal arms on a couple of occations, but never once uttered a single word about it. It was that form of respect that you had never experienced before. She always had a warm expression when you visited her. Sitting in the corner of the store with her knitwear, motioning you to join her for some tea. That must have been the first connection you have had with a normal human since you could remember. While you knew it wouldn’t last long, you felt at ease around the old woman. No judgement, no feeling like being an outcast, and being able to shut off your mind was a big plus. Just you and her, in the store looking over the ocean.     

You determined early on that it would be safer to have no connections with anyone. But the old woman was your first and only exeption. You always gave out a fake name when needed and ensured to leave no digital footprint behind (not that you were great with technology to begin with...). You would husstle money from winning at games of pool or by doing a bit of arm wrestling with the local drunks at bars. Sometimes, if you were traveling through the countryside, you would ask local farmers for a place in their barns and earn some money by plowing the field and helping with the harvest or planting of produce.  

- End of Memory - back to Nighmare 

You were trashing around in your sleep and started to murmur. You were in pain. From the memories haunting your sleep, the short snippets of your life and the feeling of being controlled against your will. The agonizing screams of victims and blood dripping from your hands. The old lady in the store, screaming for you to get away from her.

‘Make it stop’.... please...make it STOP!’  Your lip quivered and your heart was beating like crazy. You started to swing around you, hoping that the images engraved would go away.

You fell like you were standing at the edge of an abyss and you were going to fall into it. All alone in this world where you were doomed to be on the run forever. 

But.... the moment you started to get detached from yourself, you could feel something pulling you out of it. A voice? It wasn’t clear, but someone was talking to you. 

“Y..../N.....hh....ey!...’

 ‘Y../N...W...ke ..p...’

Someone was shaking you.

‘....Wake up!.. Y/N.. WAKE UP!’

You shot straight up and grabbed whoever was shaking you by their throat. Pushing them on the floor you sat on top of them to pin them down. Your eyes were glazed over and you didn’t register who was underneath you. 

Struggling to breath, the person choking made himself known.

‘Ugh...ah... *couch* Y/N.... It’s Bucky.... IT’S BUCKY!’. He tapped your arm vigorously, hoping to wake you from your daze. 

It took a couple seconds but your mind reentered your body. Your eyes became clear and you saw Bucky struggling from not getting his throat crushed. You quickly let go of him and moved as far away from him as you could. 

Bucky started to cough loudly while rubbing his sore throat. After coughing a couple more times he had calmed down enough to focus his attention on you.

You sat crawled up into a dark corner, cradling yourself. He had seen this exact scene before....in himself, years ago. Your eyes were as wide as plates and your whole body was shaking. Not wanting to make any sudden movement that could trigger you, he kept seated and leaned against the wall. Your breathing was heavy and fast. Bucky kept quiet and waited for the right moment to talk to you.

‘Remember to breath’, he would say in a piercing voice, every minute or so.

After 10 minutes he noticed that your breathing had gone back to normal, and he assumed it was safe (for both of you) to start and approach you.

With a hushed tone he began talking to you. ‘Y/N? Do you recognise me?’  You didn’t respond so he repeated the question while softly clapping his hands twice. This caught your attention and you looked up at Bucky. He was slowly making his way over to you from a crouched position, holding his hands where you could see them. 

‘Can you see me clearly?’ he asked softly, while moving just close enough so you could touch him if you wanted to. Or push him away if you felt threatened.

You took a moment and nodded. ‘Good’, he said with relieve laced through his voice. ‘Can I check your heart rate?’ He motioned to your neck. You nodded again and he moved a little closer, putting his two flesh fingers on your neck. Satisfied that your heart had calmed down enough, he moved back and sat down next to you. Ensuring enough space to not touch you by mistake. 

‘Bad dream?’, he asked while folding his hands in his lap. 

‘Yes.’ you answered with a hoarse voice.

This caught Bucky off guard. He has only met you a couple hours ago, but in that time he never once saw any strong emotion coming out of you. Aside from you screaming at him when he broke your leg, all conversations were very cold and distant. Steve said that your emotions were very limited, but right now you showed a new emotion. Not sure which one, but Bucky was sure this was a new development happening. 

You looked at your titanium hands and clenched your fists. You hated this. Hated that someone caught you in a weak moment. And most of all, that the person sitting next to you was the asshole who had given you nothing but grief up to this point. It was always after the more horrendous nightmares that your emotions would violenty burst through. And it also made you at your most weakest (or rather, most human like state). 

Bucky was unsure what to do next, but he quickly remembered something Sam told him a while back. 

‘Don’t try and force someone to speak to you. In the beginning it’s far more valuable to just be there with them in their moment of panic’. 

He wasn’t sure then what Sam meant by it. But in this situation, Bucky thought that the advise must refer to situations such as these. So, he followed Sam’s advice. He sat next to you in silence while doing his best not to invade your space. 

For the next 30 minutes only the buzzing from the overhead light could be heard. Having calmed down fully, you wanted to know why Bucky was here in the first place. 

‘W...why are you here?’ you asked with a voice that was annoyingly weaker than you wanted it to be. 

Bucky snapped his head towards you, his eyes filled with concern and pain. 

‘I...I could hear you scream..... and....knowing what it could be...I made my way over to your room. When... When you didn’t answer the door, I opened the door and saw you thrashing around...’ He squished his hands together, almost to brace himself and took a deep breath. 

‘Thought you might hurt yourself. So.... I tried to pin you to the floor. But when I made contact with you, you jumped me and pinned ME to the floor.’ He scratched his head and let out a chuckle. ‘You’re quite feisty you know’, he commented, trying to break the tension between the two of you. 

You listened to Bucky finishing the story and nodded. ‘Was I that loud?’ you asked, thinking of how far apart each room was. ‘Oh...Yeah...well’, Bucky continued. ‘We’re neighbours... so... I was able to hear you crystal clear. Super soldier hearing and all’. He pointed at his ears and grinned.

You leaned your head against the cold stone wall and closed your eyes for a moment. This was the absolute worth thing that could happen right now. One of your enemies now had leverage over you. He could do whatever he wanted to .... and there was nothing you could do to stop it. You had zero energy and your mind was still foggy. In no state to put up a fight and defend yourself. 

Noticing that you were starting to slip away, Bucky quicky closed the gap and put your head on his right shoulder. ‘It’s okay Y/N. Get some sleep, kay?’ You opened your eyes slightly but couldn’t get them to focus. You started to murmer and slur words. ‘ou..you.. cld.....kll..me..rght..nw......I..cld..do..nthing..agnst..it....’ 

After finishing your sentence you fell asleep. Bucky sat frozen in place while your head was resting on his shoulder. He felt a piercing pain inside his chest. How could you say something like that so easily? But then again....he wasn’t that big on valueing himself when he was in your situation years ago.

Softly, he started to stroke your hair with is left hand. ‘I’ll be here for you’, he whispered. He surprised himself with the sudden action. He had never done something like this before, so it slightly scared him. He was still in the healing process himself, and while he appreciated his teammates, he never got close with either of them. Steve was an exception, because he has know him his whole life. So him sitting here with you resting your head on his shoulder was definitely a new experience for him. But while it was scary, there was something within that made him feel at ease. As if you knew one another. Which was bullshit, because he had never seen you before till a couple hours prior.   

Bucky quietly smilled to himself and closed his eyes. Maybe this event, him being there and helping you through your nightmare, could be the start of a bond forming.

He would wait till you were asleep, afraid you might have another nightmare if he left you, and return to his room afterwards. 

------

Tags:

@vicmc624​

[eideticmemory]

GODPARENTS | SPENCER REID

Description: You’re a wonderful godmother, always have been. Nothing could distract you from that. Queue the entrance of the ultimate distraction: Godfather Spencer Reid.

Word Count: 2,757.

Rating: M.

Warning/Includes: Sexual intercourse.

Jennifer Jareau is the closest thing you’ve got to a big sister. Your parents had placed you in grief counseling shortly after a loss in the family. You were only nine, but it impacted greatly - you felt alone, misunderstood, lost, hurt, confused. Little did you know, a twelve-year-old JJ would be in the other room, distraught by the loss of her older sister. And once the two of you met, chatting, laughing, confessing your darkest secrets, you didn’t feel so alone anymore. Jennifer Jareau helped you heal, and you could only hope she’d say the same about you.

19 years later, with a friendship thick and strong as stone, she gave birth to your godson - Henry. She had asked you be his godmother long before her due date, insisting that there was no woman she trusted as much. You cried. You hugged her. You talked to her stomach. It was a good day.

The day Henry was born was even better. You met him just hours after his birth, and fell in love instantly. You kissed JJ on top of her head, told her she did such a good job, leaned in to hug Will and held your godson. He was the spitting image of his mother, and you cared for both of them immensely. However, with you living nearly an hour away at the time, your reunion with them was cut short.

By the time Henry turned one, you had a cozy Virginia apartment and went to see JJ as offen as possible. Even visiting Will and Henry when JJ was off on a case.

It wasn’t until Henry’s first birthday party that you met Spencer Reid. And everything began to fall apart.

JJ went all out. Balloons, bouncy houses, tons of food, tons of people, all gathered to celebrate little Henry. You, being the ditiful godmother, showed up with a bunch of presents in tow, ready to help JJ in any way you could.

Before having Henry blow out the candles on his birthday cake, Will and her took a family photo. “Okay!” She exclaimed. “[y/n], Spencer, come here! I want Henry to get a quick picture with both his godparents.”

You happily complied, skipping over to Henry with a great big smile on your face. Spencer was the first to introduce himself, “Hi,” he said, posing at Henry’s side with his vision focused on you. “I’m Spencer.”

“[y/n],” you smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard good things.”

“Same here,” he nodded.

You both crouched down to Henry’s level, smiling wide for the picture as JJ counted down, “Three, two, one!” She shouted, followed by the shutter of the camera. “Perfect! I’m getting that framed!”

You giggled at your friend’s excitement, looked at little Henry and gave him quick pecks all over his face. When you looked up at Spencer, he was watching you - a look of adoration on his face, a smile gracing his lips. You smiled back. And that’s how it started.

Later that night - when the lights had gone down, most of the guests had left, and the baby was asleep, - you were up in the guest room. Unpacking your bag, you listened to the distinct coversation between JJ and her coworkers - their laughs, the inside jokes, the bond.

Since it was adult time, you figured, one drink wouldn’t hurt. You pulled a small flask from your bag, checking the door before you stepped onto the balcony. You took in the view, and gulped down a considerable amount of alcohol, your nerves loosening by the second.

“Ah,” a voice called. “Holding out on us?”

You turned your body quickly, coming face to face with Spencer, who had his hands in his pockets and his shoulder leaned against the balcony threshold. You giggled, “Well, I didn’t really think this was a perfect first-birthday-party activity, y’know?”

“Oh, no, I know,” he nodded, closing the sliding door behind him as he stepped outside. Even under the moonlight, he was utterly beautiful. “Got enough to share?”

You raised your eyebrows at him, “Why, Spencer, I would’ve never taken you for the drinking type.”

“Only on special occasions,” he shrugged, taking the flask you handed him. He swallowed it down, with minimal reaction, and you felt your heartbeat between your legs. The breeze flew under your dress, making you shiver. “You cold?”

“Yeah, damn. It was just 80 degrees out. Now it’s freezing.”

“Here,” he said. “Take my sweater.”

You watched as he stripped the article of clothing from his shoulders, holding eye contact with you until your eyes trailed to his body. Stop that, you told yourself, stop looking at him like that, [y/n]. But you couldn’t. He was irresistible, and he knew it. When he’d completely removed the sweater, he was only left in a white button up, tucked into his belt buckle.

He didn’t even try to hand you the sweater. He dropped it to the ground, along with the flask, as you moved in to kiss him. His arms wrapped around your waist, and your hands held onto his face as you shoved your tongue into his mouth, moaning at the taste of him.

You excitedly began to fidget with his belt buckle, undoing his pants with phenomenal speed. He pushed you back against the wall, and you followed, so ready to go all the way with this man, the wait was unbearable. He kissed your neck as you freed his cock from his briefs, stroking him into a set erection.

Neither of you spoke a word.

He just picked you up, held you against the wall by your thighs, and kissed you as you pulled your dress up. You pulled your panties to the side and allowed him to put himself inside you. He buried his face in your shoulder, with you going cross-eyed from the intense feeling. You just barely remembered to stay quiet, whining into your mouth as he thrusted into you, hard.

You held onto his shirt for dear life, wrapping your legs around his waist and moving your hips against his. “Fuck,” you whispered. He grinned against your skin, using all his strength to pound you into the wall. Slowly, though, as to not alert his friends downstairs.

You reached down and rubbed your clit, your mouth instantly forming an ‘o’ shape and your head rolling back. Combine that with Spencer’s cock striking all the right places, and you were a puddle. Your legs trembled, but he held onto them, his hands big enough to nearly wrap around your entire thigh. The rush started in the pit of your stomach, then it spread through your clit, and then your entire body. And you came, weakly, almost violently against Spencer’s body.

He stopped after that, pulling out of you and placing your feet back on the concrete gently. Despite being in a daze, you grabbed onto his cock and jerked him off quickly, staring at him as you did it.

“[y/n]—“ he moaned. “I’m—I’m—“

He did. He exploded all over you. Your thigh, your dress. All while falling apart into a fit of groans, having to hold himself up on the wall just to keep from crumbling to the ground. You smirked at the sight of him, glad to have gotten him off.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking into your eyes. “I’m sorry about your dress.”

You shook your head, “I needed to shower anyway,” you shrugged. “Go on, everyone’s probably wondering where you went.” You smiled.

He kissed you. Once before he fixed his pants. And twice before he actually left the room. He left his sweater. You wore it to bed that night, sipping happily on the forgotten flask.

In the morning, JJ made breakfast. Enough pancakes and eggs to feed you, the baby, and her. You kissed her cheek before taking a seat at the table, tickling Henry and earning a cute, little giggle from him.

“Where’s Will?” You asked.

“Where else? Work. He couldn’t get out of his shift today, but believe me, he tried.”

“Aw, poor, poor William. I hope he atleast had fun yesterday.”

“He did. We were both tired afterwards, but we had a good time. Thank you for being here.”

“Oh, c’mon, JJ, you know I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world. Godmommy duties!”

“And I’m so glad you got to meet Spencer,” she said. You gulped. “I told you if anything ever happens to me and Will—“

“Then, it’s up to Spencer and I to make sure Henry gets into Yale. I remember.” You giggled.

“Exactly. Did you get to talk to him last night?”

You thought for a moment. You could tell her. But the baby was right there. And you clearly remembered her mentioning a date between her and Spencer years ago. Was it a can of worms you should open? You decided it wasn’t.

“Oh, no,” you shook your head. “Not as much as I wanted. I kind of went to bed early.”

“Ah, well, one day, I want you to meet the whole team. I think it’s about time. Don’t you?”

“Absolutely.”

Over a month later, there was no word from Spencer. You thought about him often though. Where was he, what was he doing, was he thinking of you. Sappy shit. Then, you remembered, you knew exactly where he was. And you chose to visit the bullpen for the very first time.

You put on your tightest pair of jeans - the ones that made your butt look perky - and a spaghetti strap blouse that highlighted your chest. JJ told you that you looked beautiful and embraced you in a warm hug.

“This is such a surprise!” She exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you! See where you worked, who you worked with, all that jazz.”

“Oh,” she giggled, rising from her seat. “Then let me give you the grand tour.”

You followed her aimlessly, only partially listening to his guidance, as you were primarily concerned with seeing Spencer. “That’s Derek, Emily, Penelope is in her office, and you remember Spencer.” She said.

Your eyes instantly found Spencer at his desk, the profiler already eyeing you with a knowing smile. You smiled back, “Of course. Hi, everyone.”

“Back there is our break room. Coffee, doughnuts. Want some?” JJ asked.

“Oh, yeah, coffee sounds great.” You nodded.

“I’ll get you some,” Spencer suddenly offered, rising from his seat and heading off before you could object.

“A nice little place you run here, J,” you whispered.

She rolled her eyes, “I don’t run it.”

“Well, you should.”

Spencer strolled up to you, a small styrofoam cup in his hand, and a great smile on his face. “Here you go. I put in cream and sugar. Hope that’s okay.”

“That’s perfect,” you told him. “Thank you.”

“Spence, you remember [y/n] from Henry’s birthday party? She’s his godmother.”

“Ah, so the one that’s going to help Henry get into Yale?” He chuckled.

You shook your head, “Me? No, no. I could barely get into community college. That’s all on you.”

The three of you laughed, and JJ shook her head at you. “Are you free for a quick lunch?” She asked.

“Of course! You ready?”

Your friend nodded and swung her arm over your shoulder as the two of you walked away. Spencer watched you as you stepped onto the elevator, taking a sip of your coffee. Only then, did you notice the slip of paper tucked into the lid. It contained a string of numbers, signed - Spencer :). You looked up at him, just as the elevator doors were closing.

The night, you called him. He came over. You had sex in a bed for the first time. And it was just as good as you remembered it. If not better. His hands pressed into your thighs, your legs bent over your head as he drilled into you, the sweat from his body dripping onto yours. Your tongues tangled with one another’s, your hands gripped at anything they could. It was hot. It was satisfying. You came twice, and Spencer came with his cock in your mouth.

As the two of you laid there afterwards, cuddled up and out of breath, Spencer kissed your forehead. “Missed you.” He said.

You hid your face as you grinned. “Uh, do you want your sweater back?”

“No. You keep it. Think of me when you see it.”

Little did he know that you thought about him all the time.

2 months later, his number was on speed dial in your phone. The job kept him busy most days, but weekends belonged to you. You’d be at his apartment friday to sunday, miss him for a week, and then fall into the same routine. It was bliss.

You’d be laying beside each other, completely fucked out and attempting to calm your breathing. “Do you—“ Spencer huffed. “Do you want kids some day?”

You furrowed your eyebrows together, sat up slowly and looked down at him. “Where the hell did that come from, Spencer?”

He shrugged, “I see how you are with Henry. Why don’t you have any of your own?”

You laughed, “Is that your way of saying you want to impregnate me?”

“Oh, don’t think that I haven’t thought about it,” he whispered, reaching over to hug you. “Go on a date with me, [y/n].”

You watched him say the words out loud, processing what it meant, waiting for your response. “A date?” You replied.

“A real date. Let me pick you at your place, and take you dancing, a movie, dinner, something. No sex involved.”

“No sex involved?”

“I mean,” he smirked. “Unless you want?”

“Hm, no, Spencer Reid, I’m not that kind of girl. You’re gonna have to wait until the fifth date for that.”

You made it to the fourth date before having sex again. But to be fair, those four dates were spectacular. Movies, dancing, dinner, some coffee dates sprinkled in. You were happy. And JJ could tell.

“Tell me who he is, [y/n].” JJ ordered, chuckling as she fixed you a cup of tea.

“Who? I told you, there’s no one. There’s no guy.”

“I call bullshit,” she shook her head. “You have been walking around way too happy and way too cocky to not be having sex with someone.”

“J—“

“And not to mention how many times you’ve blown me off to see him.”

“I did not blow you off.”

“Sorry, J,” she mocked your voice. “‘I’ve got an early day tomorrow.’ You? An early day on a Saturday?”

“I wanted to run some errands!”

She turned to you, “Errands? Now I know you’re seeing someone!”

“You’re crazy, J.”

You hated to lie to JJ. But it wasn’t the right time. Besides, at that point, 6 complete months had passed since Henry’s birthday party and you worried the lapse in time would upset her. There would be a time and place to announce the relationship.

4 months later - when you told JJ you were moving - she asked where to, and you still didn’t say ‘oh, Spencer’s place.’ Instead, you just told her it was close to her work.

Another 2 months passed and Henry was turning two. JJ insisted you come over to help her set up decorations the night before. You stepped on a ladder, hanging up Henry’s name in big, floppy letters.

“Hey, [y/n], did you pick up some wall tacks on your way over? I want to start putting up the other decorations.” JJ said.

“Yeah, they’re in my car. My keys are on the couch.”

JJ nodded, grabbed your keys and stepped out of the house to retrieve the items. You finally put up the letter ‘Y’ and stepped down to admire your handy work. You began to clean up the trash off the floor, packing into a large grocery bag and laying it to the side. You heard the door close, signaling JJ’s return.

“Hey, J,” you said, rummaging through the bag of decor. “Did you find the wall tacks? My car’s a little junky. And if you think that’s bad, you should see my room.” You laughed.

When you didn’t get a response after a few seconds, you turned around to look at JJ. She was standing here, holding a small item in her hand. Her face had lost its color and her breathing was still. She couldn’t - wouldn’t - look you in the eye.

“Why...” she started. “Is Spencer’s badge in your car?”

[welovediaaxx]

ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴏsᴛ ᴅɪᴀʀʏ / / azula x fem!reader

 warnings : slight cursing

part four // part five // part six

a/n : you guys already know it takes me a month to write 1500 words but whatever!! enjoy this chapter the next one is gonna be jucier i promise

taglist : @888-rising​ @firelordazulaaaa​ @sighsam​ @theblueslytherin​ @halcyon-arts​ @the-paintedlady​ @sweetcici-123​

send me an ask or message me to be tagged 🤍☁️

i wake up abruptly by my alarm, quickly snoozing it as i look around, taking in my surroundings. i rub my sleepy eyes as i glance at all the empty containers of the chinese food left on my poor coffee table from the night before. that’sfor sure gonna be a bitch to clean up later. speaking of last night, why am i on the couch? 

my question is quickly answered as i hear a small grunt coming from under the blanket across me. “what time is it?” azula asks as she stretches her arms. i stare at her in awe, how does she look so good mere seconds after waking up? “it’s only nine-thirty, we should go back to sleep” she grunts

my eyes widen at her statement. “nine-thirty? shit, i have class at 10.” now this is when i start panicking “zuko’s supposed to drive me today” 

i check my phone and there it was, 3 missed calls from zuko and approximately 

17 messages. and just on queue, he calls me again.

“hey zuzu, i’m sorry. i fell asleep, i’ll be down in a minute” i say as i start running around my apartment, grabbing along everything i need. i mutter a sorry to azula who just shrugs.

“uh-okay. why is azula’s car parked in front of your building?” he asks me. i can already hear his stupid smirk over the phone. 

“sorry, bad connection. gotta go!” i say as i hang up the phone, making my way over to my bedroom. i put on a pair of grey sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt. i put my laptop in my bookbag and run back to the living room.

“i’m so sorry i have to leave like this,” i say to azula who’s sitting on the couch. she looks up at me “i feel really bad. but i’ll make it up to you. i swear”

“don’t worry about it. i had fun last night” she smiles at me. 

“i had fun too. i’ll leave the keys on the kitchen counter. you can stay here as long as you’d like, just lock up when you leave” i return the smile “also, don’t open the door if mr chung knocks”

I simply had to ward her about mr chung. he’s a single gay man in his fifties who lives next door to me. he’s the main gossip provider of our building. now, don’t get me wrong, i love mr chung and all the hot gossip he offers. but i just wasn’t ready for all my neighbours to begin talking about ‘the new lady in my life’, as mr chung would probably put it

“uh okay, got it. i’ll just get my things and leave then.” azula says as she starts getting up from the couch.

“don’t worry about it” i bid her one last goodbye and grab my coat after i put on my shoes. i sprint down the 5 flights of stairs, deciding against going by elevator. i spot zuko’s car parked next to azulas and get in the passenger seat. i glance at my phone ‘nine-forty five’ 

“we can make it in fifteen minutes, right?” i ask as i glance at zuko

“it’s fine, we have mrs feng, she’s always late anyways,” zuko says as he starts backing out my driveway. “so…” zuko starts “azula’s car in your driveway? what’s that about?” he smirks

“it’s nothing you should worry about salami face,” i say as i return the smirk.

“i told you to stop calling me that! and don’t you even try to avoid the topic y/n” 

“what? are you jealous i chose your sister over you? i knew that you still weren’t over me!” i tease him as i remember our pathetic eight-month relationship our freshman year of college in which we both realised we definitely don’t prefer the opposite gender. it was awkward, to say the least. 

zuko rolls his eyes “no, believe it or not. i’m not jealous. so, she slept over?”

“yeah, we watched a movie and we fell asleep. that’s it.”

“hm… interesting,” he smirks and continues driving.

zuko and i enthusiastically sprinted across campus in hopes of making it on time. since luck was apparently on our side, we arrived right on time. we took a few breaths before opening the classroom door.

i quickly thank god for making it on time, before huffing and making my way through the mob of students who were chatting together. i plop down on the seat next to suki who had her head on the desk, her hair covering her face.

“hey suki” i say, putting my things on the table

suki groans as she lifts her head “hey y/n, is she here yet?” 

“no, not yet.” i answer as i look around “where did zuko go?” i mutter to myself. of course the fucker escaped.

“here i am, i bought us some coffee,” zuko says as he sits on the chair by suki’s left.

“thanks zu. you’re and angel. i’ll need it too, i hate econ” suki says as she starts sipping on her coffee

“that’s exactly why literally everyone told you not to sign up for it,” zuko reminds her.

“yeah, i specifically remember us begging you not to do it. we knew you were gonna be miserable” i add.

“shut up, you know i needed the points,” suki says while grabbing her head.

“well, i know something that’s gonna cheer you up,” zuko tells her. suki immediately lifts her head, looking between us waiting for somebody to tell her what she missed. i groan and roll my eyes. of course, zuko can’t keep just one thing to himself.

“azula slept over at y/n’s house”

“you slept with azula?! i knew that the date went well, but not that good!” suki yells

“that’s not what he said!” i try to explain to her. just by my luck, mrs feng arrives just before i get a chance to explain myself. during the whole lesson, i could feel suki’s eyes piercing through my shoulder. despite that, i decided to be productive and pay attention. manly to keep my mind off of suki’s groaning and quiet complaining.

after our lesson, we all decided to go to the jasmine dragon and meet up with the rest of the group. suki, zuko and i all got into zuko’s car and drove there. the car ride was surprisingly quiet although i could feel suki’s tension radiating off of her, ready to bombard me with questions.

we made our way to our usual table, which was already occupied by sokka, aang, katara and toph. “hey guys” aang greets us as we all sit down. as soon as we sat down i could feel all eyes land on me. i knew immediately that zuko talked. 

“what?” i say, deciding on playing dumb

“you slept with azula!” toph yells, thank god the whole coffee shop can hear her.

“zuko!” i yell at him. of course he can’t keep his mouth shut at any circumstance.

“hey, don’t look at me! suki texted the group chat, i thought you saw it” zuko defends himself while he lifts his hands up, trying to prove his innocence. after that, muffled arguing took over at the table. everybody voicing their opinion at the same time

“guys!” katara stands up “why don’t we let y/n speak?” she suggests 

“finally!” i huff as everybody goes quiet. “i didn’t sleep with azula, she just slept over at my place” i exclaim to our table.

“yeah, right” toph snickers.

“hey!” i yell at her direction, fighting the smile coming onto my face. “you of all people should know i’m not like that”

“yeah, toph. we all know y/n’s the biggest prude here” sokka mocks

i roll my eyes “you guys are the worst friends ever.”  

we were all in the middle of a heated debate about whether cereal should be considered soup or not (that sokka started, change my mind) when i felt a tap on my shoulder. when i turn around, i notice azula, wearing her usual casual clothes with a bag in her hand. i quickly excuse my self from the table, getting a few winks as i sit up. 

“hey, what are you doing here?” i ask her.

“well, my uncle does own this place.” she raises her sharp eyebrows in amusment.

“right, of course. that was a stupid question” i say as i start playing with my hair. i can already feel my cheeks heating up as i look at the table behind azula for help, only getting a few thumbs up in reply.

“anyway, i brought you the clothes you borrowed me last night. i washed and dried them, don’t worry” she says as she gives me the bag.

“thank you, you didn’t have to go through all the trouble, though” 

“don’t worry about it, i’ll take up any excuse i can get to see you” se says while flashing me a smile

“well, in that case, i should lend you my clothes more often”  i giggled.

“maybe you should” she agreed “my friends are waiting for me, but i’ll see you around, y/n.” she said before turning around and walking back to two girls who were unfamiliar to me. 

“yeah, see you around” i quietly sigh, mentally preparing for the interrogation that will take place back at the table occupied by my friends.

[sckyie]

word count: 2.5k

genre + warnings: enemies to lovers; coworkers, office love, alcohol mentioned, swearing

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: hi hi here’s my exchange gift for @coophi! happy holidays and stay safe, i hope you like what i wrote for you! [ this was apart of @/haikyuucreations secret santa ]

You put your forehead on the table groaning at the recent news. "You'll get'em next time, Y/n," your coworker rubbed your back. You sighed louder as you heard something being placed on your desk. You shift your face towards the corner of the surface to see a coffee cup with your name scribbled on the side.

You rolled your eyes and looked up to see the new lead, Kuroo, being congratulated by everyone. "That was supposed to be my promotion," You grumbled. You stared at the coffee up and walked over to Kuroo's desk. Leaving the filled cup, you excused yourself to the bathroom.

Kuroo watched as you rejected his peace offering before leaving the office. He understood how you felt once you heard that you didn't get the promotion. Your papers were perfect, clients loved you both, but the one thing keeping you from getting the promotion was simple. Kuroo's numbers were much higher than yours and it crushed yours.

The thought of endless nights staying late to catch up became pointless. The effort in surpassing him wasn't necessary anymore. All your work, all your stressful nights, everything didn't matter to the manager and execs.

"Hmph," Kuroo seated himself and stared at your drink on his desk.

"Something wrong, Kuroo?" Your coworker peeked beside him.

"Oh nothing," He responds.

You return to your desk, side-eyeing your now superior. You took a deep breath before returning to your paperwork.

Numbers, numbers, numbers. You spent your shift calculating, writing, and fixing errors. The jumble of text on your screen began to hurt your brain for working so hard.

The day dreaded on as the anger in you fumed. It wasn't that you were mad for not getting the promotion. You were furious that out of all people it'd be Kuroo who got it. You despised his snarky, overly confident facade and his petty ways of trying to show you how great he was.

Finally, your shift comes to an end but so does Kuroo's. You two walk together to the elevators though you tried your hardest avoiding him. "Did I get your order wrong?" Kuroo smirked as he pressed the lobby button.

"I don't want your pity coffee," You muttered.

"It's not a pity coffee," He rebutted. "It was a hot chai latte."

"Haha," You mocked. "I don't even like chai."

"Then what do you like?" Kuroo smiled.

"Not you," You immediately walked out of the elevator, making your way to the parking lot.

"Tsk," He was the tiniest bit irritated by your tone but decided to try again tomorrow.

Papers, papers, papers. Endless papers for you to edit and write at home. It was torture but how else could you succeed in your career. Things were already shit with Kuroo trying to be friends with you. Nevertheless, you finished at least ten pages of reports for tomorrow's agenda.

Early morning, you arrived at the office before everyone like normal. Kuroo arrives with two coffees and a small brown bag. He walked over, placing the snack and cup on your desk without a word. He walks to his desk and begins his work without interacting.

You turn the cup to check what it was. "Café latte," You mouthed. You peeked in the small bag to see a blueberry muffin. Before you could return the drink, people began to file into the room. You rolled your eyes and sipped on the drink.

"Success," Kuroo thought to himself as he watched you snack and sip the offerings.

It became a daily thing for Kuroo to bring you drinks. Never the same one twice, but always a blueberry muffin. You gave in to his gesture and thanked him silently whenever he passed by.

Your favorite interaction however was his failed attempt in talking to you. "You come here often?" He asked as he placed your coffee on your desk.

"Considering I work here, yes," You say sarcastically.

"Wow I'm literally so stupid," Kuroo thought. Kuroo saw many opportunities to talk to you more but fell nervous every time. It was always hard for him to get close to someone new. His past relationships had left him hopeless for his own future. The toxicity from the past girls left him thinking he'd never be happy with someone. These past few years, he'd been focusing on himself.

Then you walked into his life. After being transferred to a new branch, you seemed different than any other girl he's met. Kuroo saw hope in you and believed that you could be the light of his love life. He admired your attention to detail, your determination, and well, your beauty. Kuroo saw all your greatest features yet he could never bring himself to tell you his admiration.

One day, you had already a shitty morning and didn't want to deal with anything at work. From annoying traffic to angry clients to the blisters from your heels, you wanted more than anything for the day to end.

A few upset clients later, your head began to pound and you excused yourself for an early break. Kuroo turned to see you sulk away, causing him to furrow his eyebrows.

"What's with Y/n?" He asks his desk neighbor.

"Oh, two of her clients weren't co-operating and it's getting her frustrated," She responded. "She's been having a bad day."

Kuroo looks at your desk curiously and noticed how you had removed your heels under your desk. "Be right back," Kuroo gets up from his desk and walked over to the shared kitchen area to grab some things.

You returned from your short break to be greeted with a small pile of things. Bandages for your blisters, medicine for your headache, water, and a cut-up apple. "Take it easy," You found a post-it on the water bottle. You looked at your screen to see your client queue cleared with everyone on the list as approved. Confused as ever, you make use of the mystery goods to tend to your needs.

"Attention everyone, tonight Ryu here is throwing a little work party at his apartment," Your manager announced. "It is a small goodbye party for him and congratulations to our new lead, Kuroo." You rolled your eyes at Kuroo's name and continued to snack on the apples.

Later that night, you arrived at Ryu's house, catching Kuroo's attention. "Woah," Your male coworker gasped at the sight of you. "Damn, how is she single."

"Hey calm down, Kuroo-san has a crush on her," Other teased.

"Fuck off and keep my love life out your mouth," Kuroo nudges his shoulder. Though they weren't wrong, you were stunning. Dressed to impress and you even put your hair down from your usual updo. Kuroo was left speechless, thus leaving him too anxious to tell you anything.

After one cheesy speech and a big congratulations, the drinking began. Kuroo began to get too into the moment, having one too many drinks. You, however, stayed sober the whole party. You snickered at the sight of your drunk colleagues.

Kuroo's cheeks were bright red and he walked funny. He made his way towards you and you couldn't help but laugh. This was his chance to confess. "I- I- want-" He hiccuped between words. Kuroo began to get lost in thought, forgetting he was drunk confessing. "I- want my- keys- I- need- need  to go- home."

"I don't think so," You snatch his keys from the key holder before he could. "Do you want me to take you home?" He nodded excessively as you rolled your eyes. You chat with Ryu shortly before taking Kuroo to your car.

"Kamikita Apartments," You say. You had asked Ryu as you saw no hope in getting anything out of Kuroo. He slowly fell asleep in your car as you drove through the lit city. "I hope you know, I'm only doing this because you're drunk. I still don't like you."

"Mhm," Kuroo says in his sleep. You giggled at his expression all the way to his apartment.

Kuroo rests his arm around your shoulder as you two made your way to the apartment. You unlock the door and Kuroo immediately walks to the bedroom. Once he realized you weren't behind him, he turns back. "Where'd you go?" He pouted.

"Nowhere," You followed into his room. "Where are your pajamas- Oh, here. Change while I get you water."

Kuroo obeys your order and seats himself as he waited for his water. To him, he had already confidently talked to you about how he felt. Yet in reality, he was too drunk to even comprehend the front of his shirt.

"Here," You notice the tag in the front of his shirt as he chugged the water. "Your shirt is backward."

"Help me?" He begged. You facepalm at his tone but agreed. It felt like you were taking care of a baby. Your cheeks flushed pink once you helped him take off his shirt. You stopped to admire his face as you adjusted the middle of his sleep shirt. His hands move to rest on your hips. "It's so cold. Thank you for helping me change. Oh, and Y/n?"

"Y-yes?" You stuttered at his large hands.

"I have something to tell you," His voice started to sound sleepy. "I love you." Your eyes widen and you couldn't show him your shy expression.

"Tell me that again when you're sober," You move his hands away from you. Making your way to the light switch, you looked at the sad Kuroo. "I'll sleep in the living room. Just- go to bed."

Thankfully you had a change of clothes in your trunk that you used to sleep in. You got ready for bed, chuckling at the sounds of Kuroo snoring next door to the bathroom.

You laid silently on the couch staring at the ceiling. Those three words, you never thought you'd hear them from him of all people. It'd been years since your last break up, so you'd always been so closed off when it came to men. After getting heartbroken, you didn't think another man could love you. Kuroo was no exception. Sure he was handsome but you were adamant about staying single for the longest.

The thought of Kuroo in your life lingered up until the morning. He had woken up before you and found himself with a pounding headache. He made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. As he drank his water, he spit-sprayed the water out of his mouth when he spots you sleeping. He began to cough aggressively before collecting himself. "Wha- what is she doing here?!" He whispered.

You woke up to the sound of your dying colleague, rubbing your eyes to the bright room. Kuroo walked over to you as you sat up, pulling the blanket to your lap. "Good morning," You yawned. "How's the hangover?"

"What are you doing here?" Kuroo panicked.

"You were shit-faced. This was the one thing I could do for repaying you for the coffees," You say.

"Did I do- did I say anything stupid?" He hides his face in his hands.

"You told me something," You began to fiddle with your thumbs. "I don't know if you meant it or not, but you told me you loved me."

"I...did?" Kuroo slowly moves his hands to look at you. Your face was red and you were playing with your sleeves now.

"Well, did you mean it?" You ask. "If you didn't..."

Kuroo reached over and pulled your chin up with his index knuckle and thumb. "I meant it," He says. "I really did."

Your face grew warmer at his words. "Why?" You sighed. "I'm so mean to you."

"Because," Kuroo moves his hand away to stare at his lap. "I love your smile. I love the way you work. I love how determined you are. The way you sign your papers with a tiny heart. The way you laugh at the smallest things. And...I know you might hate my guts but ever since I saw you, I admired you. You make so many people smile and bring happiness to the room. I thought I'd been on your shit list but I'm glad you took care of me- See that's another thing, you put yourself after everyone else. That's why I gave you bandaids, buy you coffee, finished your quotas for you. I just think you deserve better than what you have right now. And I'm so impressed by you-"

You got annoyed by his rambling and decided to grab his cheeks. You interrupted his words by crashing your lips into his. "You literally talk so much," You pulled away. "Can I talk now?"

Kuroo was stunned at the fact that you just kissed him to shut him up. "You just- kissed-" You pressed your lips on his again to keep him quiet. He deepened the kiss before you could pull away. "You can talk." He smiled as he pulled away.

"Okay," You move from his face. "I wanted to say, you weren't on my shit list or whatever. I was upset I didn't get the promotion and I didn't like your attitude. But, getting to know you I learnt how different you really are. Especially when you’re drunk, it's funny. Besides that, I didn't know how you felt, I didn't notice all the things you've done for me."

Kuroo placed his palm on yours, carefully comparing the size of it to yours. "I didn't think I could fall in love with someone who didn't give me the time of day," He says. You moved your fingers to trace his.

"How are you so sure that you love me?" You laced your fingers with Kuroo's.

"That's the thing, I'm not sure," Kuroo looked down at his lap. "I did all those things just to make your days easier. I thought all the small gestures I did, wouldn't matter to you. That they were just tedious things that bothered you. To be honest, I'm afraid of letting someone into my heart. I was drunk when I told you and I meant it but I want to know for sure that I'm in love with you before anything."

"Do you want to find out?" You say softly.

"Only if you'd let me," Kuroo looked up to see you smiling at him. You nodded and leaned in for another kiss. "Man if only your kisses made this hangover go away."

You rolled your eyes and pressed your lips against his once more. The feeling of his hands move to your waist caused the heat in your face to return. Kuroo pulls you to straddle his lap as he deepened the kiss. Your hands rest on his shoulders while he rubbed your sides.

"I promise to make you the happiest woman in the world," He whispered as he pulled away.

"Do I still get morning coffee?" You giggled.

"And your blueberry muffin," Kuroo chuckled. You smiled before pecking his lips. You rest your head on the crook of his neck as he rubbed your back. "I won't disappoint you."

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @just-a-siiimp @d0llpie @elianetsantana

[donaidk]

Rhythm of Time - Part IV

Stepping away from requests for a second to finally finish off this part, which has been waiting half done in my drive 😂 Next thing on the agenda gonna be the Callum & Marcus fic and a special request that I’m really looking forward to 🥺 Tomorrow is an off day for me, but I promise you’re getting at least one more fic this week 😊 Thank you in advance for reading and I’m always looking forward to your guys’ feedback 🥰🧡

Part III | You’re here | Part V | ...

Masterlist | Taglist/Queue | Request

The little break between Spain and Monaco flew by quickly bringin on the net race weekend. I felt refreshed after spending a week at home with my grandparents and siblings to celebrate my birthday. Maybe five years ago it would have been a celebration at our family home with the whole extended family. But just two years ago I did everything in my power to get out of that bubble, leaving those parties and everything connected to my dad’s side of the family behind. It was unlucky that it was the bigger part, leaving me with only a pair of grandparents and the brother of my mum to confide in. Not even my mum as she was still trapped under her husband’s net that was sewn with his lies. If you asked her it was nothing more than Dad getting set up by those nasty big corporations that wanted to bring him down but luckily failed to do so, thanks to his magical skills and knowledge. I tried to change her mind listing facts about his decisions and showing her actual court papers, but she still didn’t believe me nor her own parents who were on my side. It was a whole lot of mess that I just left by the help of Erica and the internship offered by Haas. These were the only days when I felt regret towards my decision of leaving everything behind. Before and after went perfectly, it was just the days we celebrated yearly occasions without them. Still, I would slap my older self if I didn’t go through with the plan and decided otherwise, messing up my present life situation.

As my real birthday would be on the 23rd we made the decision to celebrate a week early, giving me enough time to get to Monaco with the team. It never really mattered to me anyways when the celebration was held, I was just looking forward to it wherever we put it in the calendar. I just tried to enjoy it to the fullest as I knew the most we would do about it in Monaco is having a few drinks with George, Aurélie, Dan and Robert after the race and then a good night's sleep. I have been looking forward to it every day since I became friends with this group, but it still wasn’t a huge party that everyone attended and it wasn’t centred around me fully. It was more like a yearly get together than a birthday celebration as we never shared gifts and did the same thing for each of our birthdays that we planned for season starts or ends. It was a great way to relax a bit and spend time together before or after all the chaos the season can bring to the table.

The thought of our Sunday night plans was the only thing that made me drag my body through Saturday. I slept 3 hours at max the previous night thanks to having to catch up with some work and then not being able to shut my mind off. It was already 3 or 4 a.m. when I finally fell asleep and had to be up by 6 because Günther needed me for a quick meeting about some interviews and only had time for me early in the morning. When i left his office it was still early, only a few of the guys were sitting at their desks when I sat down at one of the tables at the side with my laptop. I wanted to get the schedule up to date with all the new plans so Mick could see the full picture of it for at least the next week. During the season the drivers were usually at the mercy of their teams, meaning work came before almost everything. But I still liked to have the schedule updated so he could plan his travels and any other family or friend activities forward. It made it easier for the both of us even if it meant even more work to keep it organized.

It was maybe around half past 7 when Robert arrived at the office, taking a seat across me with his own tablet screen full of emails he had to go through. We shared a small smile before getting back to our own screens. I got through maybe half of what I had to do before I just pushed the laptop further up the table so I could lean onto the table and just close my eyes for a bit. I even kicked off my shoes, pulling my legs up on the chair, crossing them. It wasn’t my intention to fully fall asleep but it still happened. There was maybe a 5 second period where I came back to my senses but then was out cold again until my phone vibrated on the table next to my arm. It shook me out of my dream, making me straighten up immediately before realising what woke me up. Taking a look around me I was just about to look at the annoying source of the noise when I caught the sight of flowers and a box of bon-bons next to me and I froze in my seat. I didn’t have any idea how those got next to me and I looked up at Rob confused, hoping he was still sitting in the same position when it happened. He tore his gaze away from the tablet screen, lifting it up onto me and then cocking his head towards the big table. As I followed his movement my eyes landed on Mick who was sitting with his back to me, focusing on what Pete was telling him while going through the lines of data and info coming from the free practices and qualification.

I tried getting back to my to-do list, so I would be free until the pre-race scheme started and I had to run around the paddock like a headless chicken. It was usually calm a few hours previous, during and then after the race. But in between those it’s usually just chaos. Organized chaos, but still full of walks around the paddock, attending interviews and last sessions with trainers. I was still happy that I just had to make sure Mick was always where he had to be and didn’t have to take part in anything after that, and could just sit or stand around observing from the outside. The next time I looked up was when people around me mentioned going for lunch and turning my head towards them I saw Mick standing up from their table too. I was just about to look away when he turned around and our gazes met just a second later.

“ Oh, you’re finally up. ” He let out a laugh, making me roll my eyes at him. “ Happy birthday. ” He added making me smile again. For a second I wanted to question how he knew the date, but then I remembered an occasion where we were talking about it and I was pretty sure I mentioned my birthdate to him. It still surprised me a little that he remembered.

“ Thank you. It was quite a surprise. ” I looked at the flowers and the chocolate still on the table. I just pushed it a little back so it won’t fall down when either Rob or I moved around. That would be the usual from me, but I really tried not to kill them just minutes after I got them. When I saw how confused he looked at me I chuckled. “ Not many know it here. ” I shook my head a little with the smile still on my face, answering his silent question.

“ Well, it would be a crime to know about it and not act on it. ” He shrugged a little, smiling again before turning to the guys who were calling after him. I just mouthed a ‘Go’ to him as they were about to go for lunch and I already had my sandwich with me anyways. I watched as he left the room with some of the team and then turned back to my laptop, massaging my face.

I could hear Rob’s snickering and looked up at him with my head in my hands. His laughing and suggestive eyes just made me roll mine before I threw my pen at him. I dodged it when he tried to hit me back with it and didn’t let him win by standing up for it. I rather just stayed in my seat and typed in what I would have written down as I couldn’t find another pen anywhere in my bag. I would rather suffer in silence, than give in to him , even if it was just a little joke. My only hope, to get out of this situation, was Mick getting back quick from lunch so we could leave for the media pen. Turns out I just had to wish for it and it came true just a few minutes later.

“ Ready to go? ” Mick asked, stepping into the room, almost making me feel like we reserved roles and he was the one taking me to the media corner. “ We have time if you’re not done yet. Just thought we could get it over with sooner. ” He added, seeing as I still had my laptop open in front of us.

“ I should be the one asking that, I think. ” I chuckled, raising one of my brows and making him laugh too. “ But we can get going. I can finish this while the race is starting. ” Closing the laptop and sliding it back into my bag I followed him out of the room and through the hallway. There were already people rushing around making it a bit harder to get out of the Haas building.

Monaco was always a bit more packed as there wasn’t that much space than at a normal track. As it was a street circuit they had to fit everything into the city that was already there. Still, it was almost everyone’s favourite destination and a huge part of every F1 season. I couldn’t lie, it was always beautiful here and you sometimes felt like it was partly a vacation. Or at least I did, thanks to my role in the team, giving me quite some free time at least during the race itself. It could get hectic before and after, but at least I didn’t have to go through that and also drive or help the driver through the race. It was probably better that I didn’t even try to get behind the wheel. One turn at the speed they usually do and the car would be a wreck if I was in control of it.

“ Media pen first, then sit downs. ” I told him, letting him step to the first interviewer as I just stood next to him, out of the view. It was almost always the same questions, but at the same time different. I had my favourite reporters who were known for their creativity and also knew who Mick liked to work with, and tried to get some time with them whenever possible.

After the general interviews he had two more with a german and a british reporter a bit away from the crowded areas. As these were sit down ones I had some time to check over the schedule and his trainer who was the next in line to get him ready. Just when I looked up Dan and Aurélie were passing a few people a bit away from us and I raised my hand in a quick greeting when she spotted me too. I wanted to talk to her for a bit today, but knew neither of us had the time for it now. I could just hope we will run into each other again maybe after the race and hopefully before we go back to the hotel. We had ideas for the outing, but none of them were carved into stone and I just wanted to make sure we were planning the same for tonight. When I next looked up from my phone Mick was coming towards me and the audio guys so they could get the microphone off of his collar.

“ One more? ” He asked, taking the bottle of water from me as I answered with a nod, walking to the other set up area. “ Then the warm up and changing. ” He added, making me nod again but look up at him confused a bit.

“ Why do you even need me? ” I asked him, letting out a laugh while crossing off the previous interview, letting everyone know where we were with the plans. “ You know the schedule better than me sometimes. ” He shrugged immediately as a kind of answer. Mick was probably the first driver I knew and was as organized as myself. It still felt strange as most of them were known for relying on everyone else around them, and that was normal. That’s why we were there in the first place.

“ To tell me the schedule so I can learn it, and then make sure I never forget anything. ” He added his answer, making me laugh again before he was called over by the camera crew of the last interview. “ And to keep me sane and calm in every situation. ” He let me take the bottle and I followed with my eyes as he sat down again.

I knew it wouldn’t be long before we had to get back to the motorhome but while he was asked questions I had time to relax a little. Although it wasn’t truly relaxing as I had to check some social media pages and send out one or two messages to the team, letting them know how much time we need before we can get back. I just closed every app when he stepped next to me but not sitting down.

“ Fitting background. ” He said, looking down at the phone in my hand and for a second I forgot what it was. I had to look at it too, but at the sight a smile got on my face without being able to hold it back.

“ You know, it’s a work phone. ” I shrugged, locking the screen so I could slip it into my pocket. It was a photo of him, Pete and I after his first ever F1 race at the start of the season. I would have never told anyone but it may have become my favourite picture since then. “ Who would want a photo like this on their everyday one? ” I scoffed trying to look disgusted, although I knew I most likely failed at it.

“ Ah, yeah. That would be disgusting. ” He rolled his eyes, both of us laughing just a second later as his facial expression cracked me up completely. We were probably the worst pair at holding a straight face when the other or anyone else was joking around. I was just about to speak up again when a hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed it.

“ Welcome home, although you didn’t really leave for long. ” Dan’s voice was easy to recognize and looking up at him I just shook my head a little. “ How was sunny England? ” He asked, making me shake my head already although he has been standing there for just seconds.

“ Quiet. ” I answered looking up at him but then greeting Aurélie with a quick hug. “ It was fine, but I really don’t mind Monaco’s weather after that little holiday. I really don’t know how it can be so grim there. ” I let out a sigh, and stayed standing after letting go of the hug because I knew we would have to get going soon.

“ At least you appreciate it here now. ” Mick shrugged, taking part in the conversation and making me turn my head towards him for a second. “ Not like you don’t otherwise, just… I’m just gonna shut up. ” He shook his head, making me shake my head with a laugh. That was a hole he dug for himself, although I would have never taken what he said wrong.

“ You’re lucky we have to go. ” I patted him on the back, accepting a last fist bump from Dan although his smile seemed strange for a second. “ Drinks tonight then? ” I luckily remembered what I wanted to ask them all day long.

“ Yeah, we can meet in the lobby and go together. ” Aurélie nodded, before her eyes landed on Mick. “ You’re invited too if you would like to come. It’s gonna be us three and George only. ” She offered with a smile and for a second I couldn’t decide how I felt about him being there too.

“ Thank you. I’ll think about it. ” Mick smiled back at her while I sent a questioning look towards her. I never had the chance to ask though as we had to leave and get back to the garage. “ Would you mind me being there? In the end it’s your celebration. ” He asked me, when we were already at the entrance.

“ No. If you’ll have the energy I would be glad to have you there too. ” I shook my head a little but didn’t get to elaborate on the thought as his trainer instantly needed him so they could start their session.

While they were busy I had some time to finish up what I didn’t have time for prior to the interviews. Sitting next to Pete was a bit distracting as they were still discussing parts of the data shown on the screens, but it was almost my only choice. I would usually just take Mick’s driver’s room when he’s not there but that wasn’t a possibility and I had to work with what I had. The exact second I let out a relieved sigh after sending out the last email for the day, my phone decided to light up with a notification. On the verge of a breakdown I opened it up, but calmed down when it appeared to be just a message from Aurélie. ‘ His eyes are mighty fine. Don’t really know how you can look at him without it affecting you. ’ She wrote, making me roll my eyes after reading it.

“ New boy on the horizon? ” Pete asked and my reflexe was turning the device off and pushing it away in just seconds. “ Sorry, it just caught my eye. ” He apologised when I looked up at him but I wasn't really angry with him.

“ It’s okay, but no. There’s no one, just usual girl talk. ” I shrugged a little, but I felt like he didn’t believe me. His facial expressions were always quite telling, even if you only knew him on a stranger level. Spending two years working together made it even more visible. “ What’s up with guys ‘accidentally’ looking at girl’s phones, though? ” I asked, scowling a little as I remembered that this was already the second time today.

“ Well, we’re good observers. ” He shrugged, but his grin gave away how even he knew that was a lie and no one would believe him. There were a few guys who were actually good observers, but never the majority. “ Good luck, mate. ” The next second he was already looking behind me, and from the corner of my eye I could see a hand coming up next to my head for the offered fist bump.

“ Thanks. ” If the hand wasn’t enough from the voice it was obvious who was standing behind me and with a smile I let out fists collide gently too. “ This track needs all the luck I can get. ” He added with a chuckle, already stepping behind the car to get his helmet and gloves on.

Photographing him wasn’t my job, but I couldn’t miss the chance to take a picture of him from my position too, seeing inside his car as the stool made me taller than the car. The fans loved all the pictures they got from us, and even though the team already provided quite the amount, I knew most of my followers were looking forward to the content I was going to upload during the season. Until now there were only a few of him, and there was always someone else on them, and I didn’t plan on changing that any time soon. Still, one picture wouldn’t make me a hypocrite, will it?

[cosmiclatte28]

I Tried (Hendery x you)

Warning : Sicheng is not Winwin here,  lmao imagine they are two different people. 

:) here goes nothing... 

Hendery sacrifices his ears to rush to the hospital who called him that you just got into an accident. Well his manager yells at him for running away without answering the question. He was wrapping up today's practice when the phone rang and he picked up the unknown number only to gasp when he heard the news. "Kun-ge, I have to go to the hospital. (Y/n) got into an accident." the goofy young man was somehow gone, replaced with a worried grown up responsible boyfriend. "Accident?" Kun also sounds surprised, Kun nods "Just go, should we call manager hyung?" Hendery shakes his head, "I'll take a cab. Bye" and wears his jacket then before the other members can flood him questions, he flies to the stairs and rushes down. He's biting his lips in worry when the taxi speeds up to the mentioned hospital. It was luckily close to his office and once he gets into the emergency room lobby, he pays the fee and walks straight to the receptionist. His mask covers his face and hides his identity, "I am the emergency contact of (y/n), may I know where is she and what happened to her?" The nurse quickly nods her head, "Oh she's not in a bad condition. She just sprained her ankle, but we have to check for her head because her fall is quite hard." "Where can I see her?" Hendery slides his panic aside but his fingers are tapping the desk furiously. "She's doing an x-ray right now. I'll let you know when she is moved to a room already." with that being said Hendery can only sit on the waiting room and bites his thumb anxiously. He wishes your head is okay and your ankle sprain is not bad, you're training for the winter ballet recital. He brushes his hair and sighs, you worked hard for the Sugar Plum Fairy role and you sprained your ankle. He has to probably deal with you crying over the fact that you won't be able to train for god knows how long.

Hendery supports you with all his might when it comes to your recital. He knows how hard it is to get a role, and this time you got the best role. He was ready to come and cheer for you, and hug you after giving you a bouquet of flower for the perfect performance, but that might not happen. "I am dead if the doctor says she can't perform." That's all Kunhang can think of. He was sitting on the chair, almost falling asleep if not for a tap on his shoulder. He shoots his head up and looks carefully of the man standing over him. "Hendery right? (y/n)'s boyfriend?" he asks nicely. Hendery nods his head, who is he and how can he know your relationship with him. "I'm Sicheng, her dance partner. I'm sorry you have to rush to the hospital this late." Hendery shakes his head, oh this is the man who dances with you? he looks good, no wonder you can stay at the practice room for days. "No, It's okay I've finished the training today. How did she fall?" Sicheng sighs, "She overworked herself. I've told her to rest, but she's stubborn and she continued practicing. (Y/n) attempted her solo part and I with the other dancers were already sitting down tired from the class." Hendery listens attentively, well you can have your ears closed when you want to do something he's not surprised. Sicheng continues, "She has this part where she has to do petite batterie on pointe. She was doing well before, but maybe her legs gave up, so she fell. We were running to catch her, but we failed." Hendery gasps, "And her head hits the floor and her ankle was twisted?" Sicheng nods, "Yes, she doesn't want to go to the hospital actually, but we insist since her head hits the floor." Hendery smiles though it is hidden by his mask, "You made a great decision. I know she will go to her psychiatric and get her ankle fixed in one crack, but we need to see her head condition. Thank you Sicheng, you can leave if you want. I'm so thankful you brought her here." Sicheng tells him it is nothing and left after wishing you don't have major injuries. Hendery's phone lights up with texts and he reads one by one, the group chat is busy asking your condition and when he almost answer them, the nurse calls his name. The man springs to his legs and follow the nurse to a room where he can see you talking with the doctor. "Hendery!" your voice was bright and cheerful, that makes him smile. "Hey there, our sugar plum fairy did not want to listen and look what happened." he stands by your bedside. The doctor laughs, "She's in a good state. Her head has no fractures no internal bleeding. Her ankle however is sprained. It's luckily not bad." Hendery lets out a breath he didn't know he's been holding in and rubs a hand over your hair, "Great thing I do not need to see you cry because the doctor bans you from dancing." You laugh, "He said if I fix this tomorrow to a chiropractic I'd be able to dance again in four days." The doctor shakes his head, "She needs a week rest actually, but she's forcing me to say four." Your boyfriend playfully pinches you, "How could you do that to the doctor" You yell and slap his hand away. The doctor leaves after saying you can go home and just make sure to compress the swollen ankle. With that, you are in a taxi with Hendery going back to your house. He has informed his leader he'll stay at yours tonight to make sure you're okay. Once in the house, you walk carefully with Hendery's help and he nicely places you in bed. "You want to shower?" he asks while taking out his own outfits to change into. You nod your head, "I can do it, I'll just not put weight into my left foot. Help me into the toilet and just give me a set of fresh clothes." Kunhang quickly does as you said and when you're yelling from the restroom he takes the queue to bring you back to the bed. "Thanks, I did not know I'll be this much of a burden." you shyly admit you regret overworking yourself. Your man tells you not to worry and kisses your forehead, "Sleep first if you're tired. I'll wash up and join you after this." Your tired body makes you sleep faster, Kunhang finds you already calm when he appears from the steamy shower. He hugs you through the night and the next morning when the sun greets you, you feel the right side of the bed cold. Your hand feels the cold fabric and you wake up confused, where is he? Did he leave you before saying good morning. Just as you want to leave the bed, the door opens and come in Kunhang with a tray of breakfast. You smile but quickly frown when you see the plate he puts on your lap. "Good morning! I made breakfast." You snort, "Morning but what is this? Can you not make a toast?" you laugh at his red face. Well he tried, he failed most of the toast and this was the best. He shakes his head and just rubs a hand on his neck, "You really did not know how to make a toast?!" that is a good laugh you had in the moment and Hendery was super annoyed. "It's the best one okay, I tried my best. Just eat, I made you an appointment at ten." He takes a bite of the toast on your plate. You want to protest, but he was faster, "What you're not eating it and I am hungry." With a shake on your head, you start eating his toast and it's not as bad as it looks. Though he really needs to improve, you secretly likes his attention and thoughts. "Thank you," you whisper after finishing the half burnt toast and the orange juice. He gives you his loving eyes and smoothens your hair, "Anything to make you laugh. Let's get ready. I am excused from today's schedule." Your eyes shine in delight, "So we can spend the day together? Just cuddling and being lazy?" He nods his head, "Yup. After we fix your ankle." You peck his cheek and receives the brightest smile from the funniest man you love. "You're the best, honey."

 eeekk what is this, thanks for making it this far tho <3

[jpegjade]

Fake Happy - Spencer

Request: Could you do a fic with the song fake happy by Paramore? It’s one of my favourites and I think it really shows people pleasers (cough cough first born children) at their finest

Aaaaall righty homies. here’s the next one up in the queue!

Warnings: none. if you want to listen to the song:  >> here. << 

_________________

“I bet everyone here is fake happy, too.” You bopped along, headphones in as you walked into the cafe, waiting on your boyfriend.

You were beyond exhausted and couldn’t wait to get to dinner. You loved the team but it took so much energy just to be the person they expected you to be all the time. There were days where you just couldn’t handle it but you couldn’t let anyone know that. The expectations were too high and you were feeling too low to keep up with them constantly. But you had to. You had to push through the exhaustion because you couldn’t let them down. 

It wasn’t that hard to fake it anymore. You had spent years doing it, so long that you were an expert at pretending that everything was alright. Everything had to be alright, otherwise everything was going to shit. Of course you had to make sure everyone around you was happy. You had to do everything in your power to ensure that the people in your life were happy. You were just raised that way, feeling like you need to be there for everyone all the time. 

It had been a long day, another stack of consults completed, and you and Spencer decided to go out for dinner because you weren’t up to cooking. Spencer offered to cook but you didn’t feel like cleaning up after, even if all you had to do was dry while Spencer washed. 

Sitting at a nice cafe, you made small talk while you watched Spencer pour sugar into his coffee. 

“You’re making small talk and not looking me in the eyes.” Spencer said, putting his sugar down. 

“I’m tired.” You said, taking a tentative sip of your tea. It was the perfect temperature so you took a bigger swallow. 

“No, you’re exhausted.” He said, studying your face. 

Little did you know, Spencer paid more attention to you than he paid to anyone else. He knew when you were up, down, and when you were really low on energy. He didn’t think you needed to always be “on” for him but he knew from previous conversations that it was just how you felt. It was ingrained in you to ensure that everyone around you was feeling their best because if they weren’t, then you failed. And you didn’t accept failure. 

“I am. It’s been a long day of case files.” You said, taking another drink. The tea was hitting the spot you needed it to hit most, warming your entire body. The more you drank, the more relaxed you felt. 

“You don’t have to do that, you know.” Spencer started. 

He learned to be very cautious about how he approached certain subjects with you. He didn’t exactly tip toe but he was more aware of how he said things because some topics were known to cause fights between the two of you before, especially personal topics. 

“If you’re about to say something about me, you better be careful because I still have my gun on me.” You said, smirking. You were trying to make light of wherever he was going, make a joke out of it, but he wasn’t budging. 

“You don’t have to please everyone, least of all me. I’m happy just being with you. You don’t have to try to take care of everyone all the time…” He said, speaking slowly. 

If Hotch was the dad of the family, you were the mom. You took care of everything, even Hotch sometimes so he could see Jack more. You clocked the most hours in the office because the more you did, the less everyone else had to do. Spencer started keeping a blanket at the office, under his desk, because he kept you company and sometimes, he fell asleep while you were burning the midnight oil on case paperwork. Being the loyal boyfriend he was, he never complained about how hard the floor was on his back but you could tell it was a pain because he kept cracking his back during the day. 

“Yes, Spencer, I do.” You said, looking at him. 

“You don’t have to pretend you’re happy then. No one is happy all the time. And I know you’re pretending because you force things when you’re tired. Your internal need to please people isn’t healthy.” He said, pausing to let the waiter put down your plates of endless pasta. 

“Look, boy wonder,” you said, already getting a little testy. “You don’t get it. You were the only kid and a genius. You didn’t have to go through all of the bullshit I did when you were younger because it was you. I had to take care of myself and my siblings. Being the oldest isn’t fun. At all. Even now, I have to make sure they’re happy as adults as well as the team, you, and whoever else. All before me. I’m being selfless, not trying to please everyone.” 

Spencer paused for a moment, choosing his words carefully. 

“I had to grow up really quickly.” He started. He rarely talked about his life before the BAU because it was painful for him to bring things up, even though he thought about it a lot. You just listened to him, blowing on your pasta to cool it down. 

“You know my dad left us. That’s common knowledge. But what you don’t know is that it took some time before my mom got an actual care-taker. Time I didn’t have to be a kid. I had to make her happy, even if it was impossible. And a lot of the time, it was impossible. It was hard. And then I grew up, needing to focus on myself. When I left, I felt really bad for leaving her. I still feel bad…” 

Spencer paused. You could tell this was hard for him but you didn’t want to distract or interrupt him. 

“I get it. I get what it’s like to push it down and be miserable on the inside but smile in everyone’s faces. I get what it’s like to pretend to be alright so nobody asks what’s wrong. Hell, I had a drug problem and while I was shitty at hiding it, I faked it so hard that everyone just went with it. I convinced them that I was going to be okay and I would fix it on my own, even though they all knew. They knew and said nothing.” 

You didn’t know that bothered him. You knew that happened but it was before you were on the team. 

“Y/n, I know what it’s like to suffer on the inside and have to show your happy side constantly so people don’t ask. Because when they do ask, you break down. And you can’t do that. We’re all fake happy. You're not the only one. But you have to learn to trust me, at least. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate but I’m here to take some off and scrape it onto my plate.” 

He stuck his fork into your pasta as an example, twirling it around to actually take some before you could protest. 

“I’m sorry, Spence.” You said, letting out a sigh. “I just… It feels like I’m always going to be a kid because no one takes my issues seriously. I just smile as big as I can and pretend everything is alright in my head because I know that it’s better than be honest. Spence, I’m not happy. It’s always good until something knocks me on my ass.” 

“I know, y/n.” Reid reached over the top of the table to set his hand on top of yours. “It’s not going to get easier until you at least let your guard down. Not all the time with everyone but maybe start with me?” 

“Okay.” You said, looking down at your half eaten bowl of pasta. You had no idea you had inhaled so much already and there was still more to go. 

“Good.” Reid said, sitting back in his chair. 

_________

Tag list: 

@winchestertardis

@ancailinaerach