#queerkaitalks

[its-ya-boi-kai]

I showed my body for the first time on stage last night - I was incredibly nervous as I normally do more theater/emotional/goofy stuff. But the further along I get in my transition, the more I love and appreciate my body for everything it's becoming. Drag gives me space to celebrate my trans body and feel sexy in it. When I ripped those tear aways off, everyone could see my packer, and they CHEERED & SCREAMED for it, I felt SO euphoric.

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Performance pics from April! I'm so proud of the sets I did, and I placed in the finals EVERY TIME - even won a lip sync battle! As a beginner King I can't believe how much I've been able to accomplish in so little time, and I'm excited to keep pushing myself into better things!

I applied to a local newcomer pageant, so hopefully I was able to impress them enough to let me compete! I will know sometime this month 🙏

Update: I ruptured my achilles and can't do the pageant this year 🥲 but it's okay I can apply again next year.

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Cobruh Kai had a bit of an upgrade since I last posted 😜👑🐍

[its-ya-boi-kai]

I ruptured my achilles tendon skateboarding, so my drag has slowed down a bit. But I absolutely would not let that stop me. Drag has been life saving in so many ways. It's helped me explore my identity as a trans man, brought me an uplifting queer community, increased my confidence, and allowed me to explore and grow in my passion for performing. So nothing will keep me off the stage, I will always find ways to perform.

These pictures were from my set of "The Village" by Wrabel. I stoned the shirt and made the crown of thorns myself. [see the full performance here]

This song was my coming out anthem, as it is for many of us. I poured my heart into this song, singing to a younger version of myself.

[its-ya-boi-kai]

FUCK I didn't expect to feel so SEXY and euphoric in drag but I DO!

My first performance as Cobruh Kai is tomorrow 🤩😎🐍

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Hey everyone! My birthday is coming up so I'm posting a fundraiser for my gender affirming surgery and name change! I am currently unable to work due to disability and any funds I get go towards living expenses.

I will only need $600 for both!

Even a share would be awesome!

[its-ya-boi-kai]

It's been six months on T and I'm so FUCKING HAPPY with my changes so far. I've never felt so at home in my body. I don't dissociate when I look in the mirror anynore, feeling like something is wrong. I feel so so so happy when I see myself, and I'm so excited for the changes to come.

[its-ya-boi-kai]

My ✨drag mother✨ interviewed me for her series about local drag - you all should watch 😜👑🐍

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Documenting my transition

Part 8:

I love this picture so so so much because it's the most masc I've felt so far. This angle makes me look like I have top surgery already lmao. It's been a while since I took this, I should do another soon.

I'm four months on T now. My arms and shoulders are getting bigger causing my shirts to get really tight in those areas. I'm asking for gift cards for christmas so I can get some new clothes. Half my wardrobe suddenly doesn't fit my arms anymore 😅

My partner's family has been so kind to me through my transition. Calling me "part of the pack" and offering whatever support they can give me. I've never had a family accept me so wholly as I am. My name and pronouns haven't been a problem and my transition doesn't make them uncomfortable. It's just really nice feeling like I'm part of a community system where I can be myself for the first time.

After leaving my birth family, even before I cut them off, I have been seeking to build myself a better community. One that can accept what I have to offer and actually meet my needs as a person. It took many failed friendships, multiple moves, and a failed marriage. But I've finally built myself the support system I've always sought out. I have my queer community that's been lifting me up even before I came out. I have my close friends that have been my lifelines. I wouldn't have had a way to get out if they didn't emotionally support me, and offer me places to sleep while I worked out housing. I have a warm family to welcome me home, give me hugs, acceptance, and the love and support I've been missing from my own. And I have a partner that's been with me every step of the way, even before we were together. They held my hand through everything that's been happening. They've been my training wheels and I don't know when they let go but now I feel like I'm riding on my own. I owe so much of what I've been able to accomplish to them.

I will be posting a four month voice update soon. I've been really sick and my throat has been in too much pain for it. (I'm acting like I don't hate that I didn't do it when my voice sounded DEEP AF due to the cold)

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9]

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Growth and Gratefulness

Despite the struggles I still deal with in the background, I am so incredibly grateful for where I'm at right now.

Looking at my life pre-tansition, I'm not sure I would have made later it down the road, if I wasn't able to create this space for myself to do so. Since I came out, I no longer speak with my biological family. It's been a year of not just navigating life without that support, but transitioning without it as well. But the family I've found, and continue to grow, has given me the love and support I need to feel strong enough to do so. My wonderful, amazing, partner has been my biggest supporter of all, giving me space to grow, but being there for me when I struggle, fully accepting me through my changes, being the person I can count on the most. And I'm grateful for the spaces I've entered that have welcomed me, and are becoming like home. Places I can explore myself freely and safely.

The more time that goes by, and the more I shed my past pains and truamas, I feel more and more whole. Like my soul is growing and I'm no longer an empty shell. It's hard, things can be scary, and I make mistakes. But I've never felt so complete from within myself.

I keep finding myself crying from how happy I am that I can finally live. I feel alive for the first time. I'm finally living the life I wanted, but didn't think I'd ever be able to have. I genuinely do not believe I would have survived if I wasn't able to transition. I would never be able to do any of the things that currently bring me joy and fulfillment. And I wouldn't have been so happy, free, and excited to see my future.

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Idk sometimes I feel cool 🏳️‍⚧️❤️😎

[its-ya-boi-kai]

My queer identity

Transition part 9:

As is tradition of many (I want to be really bold and say all, but that's an enormous assumption made by yours truly) of us trans people, I'm reflecting on my sexual and overarching queer identity as I transition.

Expanding my social circle has made this a really interesting process. Having more queer peers to talk to, I get to see so many different identities and lifestyles. It makes it easier to not force myself into boxes of gender and sexuality. I can form my identity based on my own comfort and what resonates with me as an individual.

My sexual identity, while I don't feel like has necessarily changed, the lens through which I view it has changed. For most of my teen/adult life I've identified as bisexual. I've dated and fooled around with a lot of (cis) men and a few (cis) women (while I was young and closeted). In the past year or so I've found I definitely align with demisexuality. My sexual attraction to someone comes AFTER I get to know them (and like them) as a person, and how much we have in common as people. My partner will always also have to be my best friend because my brain doesn't allow for the two to be different.

But that doesn't cover everything. I'm finding myself also identifying as a gay man specifically. "Gay man" feels like an important part of my identity. Does gender actually matter to me? I'm not sure. To be honest, I think I just don't want to date cis/het people. Queerness is more the core of my sexual attraction and I think that goes along with my demisexuality. I will relate more deeply to queer people, simply because we share a similar experience, than I will with cis/het people. My preferences do lean more towards men, and identifying as a gay man gives me gender euphoria, so I am using that label for now. And while I prefer men, I wouldn't let gender stop me from dating a person. But they would definitely have to be queer in some form.

I'm definitely T4T. A large part of this is also my demisexuality. I will more closely emotionally relate to a non-cis partner, than I will a cis partner. My current partner is gender fluid (they/them) and it's made a HUGE difference in my confidence and ability to explore myself. I was previously with a cishet man (before I came out) and the dysphoria problems that would occur for me in a relationship like that would just be too much. Having a non cis partner makes it so much easier to explore my gender without feeling pressure to meet certain expectations or social norms. I don't have to feel self conscious as I'm going through my changes. I don't have to worry about still being seen "as a man" when I'm at home, and I need to take my binder off. I'm seen as a man, without doubt or question, no matter how I present, or how I act, or how my body looks, ect. They've also been exploring their own queer identity with me. We came out to each other on a date we went on in the city. We've both been present for most of our queer development, and have been supporting each other. Having a no expectations no pressure safe setting to explore gender freely has been really fun for both of us.

Having only been on T for a few months, I'm viewing my transition as an exciting journey of self exploration. At first I had it framed as "I can't wait to minimize my dysphoria" which is true, it ABSOLUTELY does. But testosterone takes time, getting funds for top surgery takes time, physical transitioning just takes so much time. My entire life has felt like a waiting game for "things to get better" even outside of transitioning. All it's ever done is exhaust me, so I'm trying to view things differently. I saw someone on tiktok say he is a man and wants to be "male adjacent". He wants to be very very close to cis male, right next to it in fact. But he doesn't want to BE "cis". He wants a male body form that he can build his gender identity off of and I absolutely LOVE that viewpoint. I don't have a goal of "being cis" or even passing as such.

I'm trying to enjoy this time of self discovery, as an adventure I get to take myself on. In the past, trying to work myself out was painful and confusing. It always felt like I was missing a really important piece of myself, and I couldn't figure out what. I thought a person would fill that, made that mistake over and over for years. But since I've been transitioning, I feel whole for the first time ever. I feel whole, ON MY OWN. I've never felt that way before. And that feeling alone, is enough for me to want to really savor these euphoric moments, and enjoy that I get to finally feel at peace with myself.

Being on testosterone has made all of this positive change possible. Even without my top surgery, I feel SO MUCH BETTER mentally and emotionally. And it's honestly the reason I'm able to feel so grateful for my life and feel so positive about my future. My mental health has improved so much and I am so grateful that I'm in an environment where I can do all this.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9]

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Documenting my transition

Part 7:

Thee months on testosterone, my little dirt 'stache was finally barely showing. I don't even think it really shows in these pics. I thought I would hate my facial hair, but I REFUSE to shave my little boy. My partner laughed when I said that. I had INSISTED when I started hormones, that I would want to shave it. They insisted I wouldn't. I guess they were right lmao.

My face is squaring out here, and my eyebrows are starting to get thicker and it's making me euphoric as fuck.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9]

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Six months on testosterone and I'm SO FUCKING HAPY with my changes so far. I've never been happier or more comfortable in my own body. Can't wait for the next six 🏳️‍⚧️❤️💉

[its-ya-boi-kai]

I shaved my face for the first time today!!! Not the whole thing, but the corners by my mouth were looking unfavorable to me. It was still euphoric AF. My partner helped me and showed me how, we got to have a sweet little moment. It was a good morning

[its-ya-boi-kai]

Documenting my transition

Part 6:

After I started testosterone I started to feel SO MUCH BETTER. Physically I didn't realize how dysphoric I was about even the small things about my body in general. As my hormones began to shift, my confidence grew, and I felt that hole I had start to fill with self love and hope for my future. My voice was changing, my body was slowly starting to as well. I cut my hair MUCH better than the last time. Everything was shifting into a better form. One that I was actually able to start to love.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9]