#quality is not great but this made me cry first thing this morning

[lucy90712]

Ruben Dias fluff!! Any thing you want, I trust you

Having kids is the most stressful and rewarding thing I've ever done but I wouldn't have it any other way. The biggest downside is that Ruben doesn't get to be around as much as he's like to as he's always got training or matches but when he's around he always spends every second helping me or playing with our oldest son Milo even if he's tired he treasures every second he gets to spend at home with us. 

Since I gave birth to our daughter Ruben has barely been home he got a couple of days off training and then it's been all go since. There has been matches every weekend and then champions league during the week so he's hardly been home which makes life difficult. Caring for a newborn and entertaining a two year old on little to no sleep is exhausting but Ruben helps where he can and he even gets his brother to come over when he's not around which is a great help. 

This weekend Ruben finally has a few days off after such a packed schedule Pep gave all the players a couple days off training to rest and recuperate ready for the next run of games. Rest isn't a thing in our household right now but I don't think Ruben minds he just wants to be home and actually spend time with the kids. I know he feels awful that he hasn't got to bond with our daughter Alice as much as he'd want to as he's not here during the day when she's awake and looking around but I always send him pictures and videos so he feels like he's involved too. 

Just like every morning I expected to be woken up at the crack of dawn by a toddler screaming in the baby monitor and a newborn crying right next to my head. When I woke up and saw that it was nearly 9am I freaked out and then when I saw that the baby wasn't in her bassinet I nearly had a panic attack. That's when my sensible brain took over my mum brain and I realised that Ruben also wasn't in bed next to be so he must have Alice and that made me feel so much better. After I calmed down I got out of bed and headed downstairs where I could already hear the chaos which is weirdly nice to hear. When I finally made it downstairs I saw Ruben in the kitchen holding Alice while trying to make pancakes and with Milo at his feet. I took Alice from him quickly so he could focus on breakfast but before I knew it I was also holding Milo as he's definitely a mama's boy and he doesn't like to leave my side when I'm around. 

"Thank you for letting me sleep in you didn't have to do that I know you're tired too" I said 

"You don't have to thank me I know you don't get much sleep and you need it to deal with those two I get to sleep when I’m away for matches so it's only fair that you get to have a lay in" he said 

"Well I still appreciate it I feel like a new woman now" I laughed 

"Good and I've got breakfast all ready for you" Ruben said while handing me a plate of pancakes 

We ate breakfast as a family or our version of eating as a family which is taking a bite of our own food every few minutes after having to cut bits up for Milo and sometimes having to feed it to him when he refuses to eat. Then more often than not Alice seems to sense when I'm eating and all of a sudden wants feeding so I have to eat with just one hand. Ruben had managed to get Milo to eat all of his pancakes while I still had a mostly full plate as I was feeding Alice so Ruben switched his attention to me and cut my pancakes and fed them to me like the perfect husband he is. 

To spend some quality time together Ruben suggested we go to the park and seeing as I've got him to help me I had no reason to disagree. He took care of getting Milo ready while I got Alice ready and we made it out the house as a family of four for the first time which sounds crazy as Alice is three weeks old now but Ruben's been around so little we haven't had the chance to go anywhere all together yet. Leaving the house is never easy but eventually we got out the house with me having Alice in the carrier and pushing the stroller while Milo walked as he refused to get in the stroller. 

The walk to the park isn't a long one so we got there pretty quickly and when we did Milo took off and made a beeline straight for the slide as he loves going down the slide. Ruben followed close behind while I found somewhere to sit with Alice as she was due a feed before she naps again. Watching Ruben play with Milo made me a little emotional hearing Milo laughing as Ruben chased him around the park is exactly how I pictured parenthood there is no better sound than hearing your child laughing it always fills my heart with joy. Milo can be difficult at times which I think comes down to missing his dad but I couldn't care less about that when I get to see the two of them happy and playing together. 

"Mama come play" Milo said as he ran over to me 

"I would love to play with you buddy but mama's still recovering I can push you on the swing if you'd like though" I said 

"Yeah let's go mama" he said running off again 

I gave Alice to Ruben so I could push Milo on the swing which he thoroughly enjoyed he wanted to go higher and higher until I physically couldn't push him any higher. As he was swinging Ruben started to pull faces at him from across the park which only made him laugh more. This is exactly why I think Ruben is the best dad he has always been so great since the moment Milo was born our kids just love to be around him as he always makes them happy. It wasn't long before Milo wanted to get out of the swing so I got him out and he dragged me off to the rest of the play equipment which I wasn't going to go on as I'm only just three weeks post partum but I just can't say no to him. We climbed up the climbing wall and ran around the little castle type thing it brings you to before going down the slide which was more than enough for me. 

We stayed at the park for a while longer until Milo had run out of energy and climbed into the stroller himself. Ruben took the stroller which now also had Alice in too and held my hand as we walked back home. Both kids fell asleep in the stroller so Ruben and I kept walking even when we went past the house so they'd known stay asleep and we could have some peace. We decided to walk into town and got some fresh bread and other things to make lunch when we got back home. As soon as the stroller stopped Milo woke up and wanted to get out so Ruben unbuckled him and off he went to play with his toys. 

Our afternoon started out much the same as our morning with us trying to get Milo to sit still long enough to eat lunch and then we went straight back to playing. As a family we all played with Milo's trucks and cars in the little world he's created where they all have a role. The things kids come up with is just fascinating their little minds are so creative. Before Milo was born Ruben and I spent countless evenings wondering what kind of personality he would develop but I would've never predicted that he'd be such a character he's always making me laugh with the things he comes out with but he's also such a kind little boy he always thinks about me and his sister. 

After a long day of running around and playing the kids were definitely tired and of course right after dinner Milo cuddled up to my side and fell asleep while Alice slept on my chest and Ruben had his arm around my waist as I leant against his shoulder. We took a few moments to just relax and enjoy the calm as that doesn't happen often. Eventually Ruben picked up Milo and took him to bed and I was going to put Alice in her bassinet and grab the baby monitor but he told me to stay put and he'd do it and I wasn't going to argue. He did exactly what he promised and then he came back to bring me upstairs as he'd started to run me a bath. 

I enjoyed my bath very much it was so relaxing I could feel the tension in my muscles that had built up over the last few weeks just disappear in the warm water. When I got out Ruben had pyjamas ready for me on the bed which I changed into and joined him in bed. He pulled me into his arms and started to press kisses all over my face which I've missed so much as I either sleep alone while Ruben is away or we don't get a moments peace as Alice has always been fussy at night. Tonight everything was quiet and it was amazing Ruben and I could enjoy some quality time together which we haven't had in a couple months. 

"I don't know how you deal with this all day everyday I'm exhausted" Ruben said 

"You get used to it some days they are calmer than others I think Milo was just excited you were around" I said 

"I'm sorry I haven't been here more I know the kids miss me but I can tell you miss me too even if you want say it" he said 

"It's ok I know why you aren't around it's not like you're out with friends while I'm here with two kids and yeah I miss having you here but that's selfish so I don't mention it" I admitted 

"Its not selfish you're allowed to feel like that and wish things were different I understand that things are hard and you'd like me to be around to help more that's not selfish I promise" he said 

"Everything is worth it though when we get moments like today and when Milo gets to watch you play on tv the hard moments don't matter anymore" I said

"I can't wait for Alice to come to her first game even if she doesn't remember I still remember when you first brought Milo along that was up there with one of the best days of my life" Ruben said 

"Maybe once we've both had our six week check up I'll bring her along to a game but we'll need to get her some little ear defenders" I said

"Of course but remember if you aren't ready you don't have to stick to that I'd much rather wait until you'll actually have a good time as it's supposed to be a good memory for all of us" he said 

We talked for a bit longer before Ruben turned a movie on and I knocked out within a few minutes as I didn't realise how tired I was but I fell asleep feeling completely happy and fulfilled.

[revasserium]

oh don't ask me for requests, you know I deliver. What about Zoro with number 30?

send me one + a character and i'll write u a drabble

30. invention of the dictionary

opla!zoro; 882 words; fluff, teeth-rotting fluff, strawhat!reader, gn!reader, no "y/n", unconventional format, whipped!zoro

summary: truth, love, still, and stolen

a/n: been a while since i've written something so chill but i rly like this one u__u nice, short, and sweet!

He has never been a man of many words, but meeting you has made him wonder about the exact reason dictionaries were invented. What scholar (for it must have been a scholar, Zoro thinks) could have amassed such a knowledge of words and meanings that they decided the only way to keep track was to write it down? Or perhaps it was simply someone in love — someone who felt too much and yearned too hard and never had the words big enough or heavy enough, wide enough or deep enough, to fully encompass the way they were feeling.

Because he’s never been a man of many words, but meeting you has him reaching for the tattered dictionary they’d found in a treasure chest, washed ashore on a small, insignificant island — not unlike you. You with your windswept hair and your skin smelling of salt and cream and a thousand midnight mysteries. You, and the way your eyes hold worlds that Zoro’s certain he’d never have the privilege of seeing.

But sometimes when he kisses you, he thinks he can taste the remnants of their exotic fruits beneath the sweet of your tongue, and sometimes when you kiss him back hard enough, he can feel it in the crescent moon marks you leave inked into his skin. Like dotted lines on a treasure map.

You’d been a traveling bounty-hunter, not so unlike who he’d been in a past life, one that he can barely even remember. And your laughter had been just the right shade of lost for Luffy to take notice. No one had thought twice about it after that — and you blended in with the crew as a shot of rum in a morning espresso — which is to say perfectly.

He finds himself flipping through the thin, water-warped pages of the dictionary, pausing on words he’d always thought he knew — words like truth, and love. Words like still, and stolen.

And so, here are some words that Roronoa Zoro has learned and re-learned the meanings of. All because of you.

truth noun.

the quality or state of being true

a fact or belief that is accepted as true

a thing so fundamental that it never has to be questioned — like the rising of the sun in the east or the setting of the moon in the west; something that pulses with the very rhythm of the universe, like the ebb and flow of the tides or the way that autumn always feels a little bit like goodbye — or how birdsong will inevitably be followed by the sprouting of spring, and how March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, and how Zoro’s never questioned just how much he’s loved you, or even whether or not he’d fallen in love. He simply woke up one day and knew.

love noun.

an intense feeling of deep affection

a great interest or pleasure in something

you, your smile, the way you hold your chopsticks, how you press your hand to your stomach when you laugh, the way your lips feel as they trail along Zoro’s jawline, the way your heartbeat rhymes with the gentle rush of the sea

verb.

to feel deep affection for someone or something

to like or enjoy very much

to dream of a life with you, and all the things you might do — to lie awake at night counting your breaths as you fall asleep next to him, to press his lips into the seam of your hair and know that when he wakes up in the morning, you’ll still be right there next to him

still noun/adj./verb

not moving or making a sound

deep silence or calmness

to make or become still

the way the world feels the first time you cry, how the planets themselves seem to grind to a deadly halt, how Zoro’s world tilts on the axis of you and doesn’t stop until he wonders if everything around him is upside down and inside out — how you curl into yourself when the monsters in your past become more than shadows and whispers that creep in the dark, or when the darkness comes knocking and you bury your face in his shoulder, your voice a whisper as you beg — please… help me.

adverb

up to and including the present time mentioned

nevertheless; all the same

how he knows he loves you, the way that the sea loves the sky — even after a devastating rainstorm; how there’s blood on his swords, blood soaking through the wooden planks but he’s got you in his arms so it’s going to be alright; how you let him carry you and hold you close; how he lets you carry him as well; how the pair of you curve around each other like a parenthetical, two bookends to a library of memories stored in the negative space between you; how you are with each other after all of this, still.

stolen verb (*past participle of steal)

take without permission or legal right, without the intent to return

move somewhere quietly or surreptitiously

his heart, his mind, his body, his soul — and him with you.

[5-pp-man]

another tierlist because ppl actually liked that first one;

the crème de la crop;

the first 2 eps i thought it was fine, but it didnt really captivate me as much as id hoped. but then ep 3 changed everything for me. i started to think "how could living armour work logically? everything so far has been edible, so this must be too, right?" i actually managed to think of the exact thing that this series did. that really made me realise the worldbuilding in this was something unique, and it only got better and better with each episode. its really managed to captivate me and i look forward to "delicious donderdag" every week :)

ANIME ORIGINAL LETS GOOOO absolutely bonkers show that almost slipped by me because it initially tried to fool its audience into thinking it was a regular dramatic military show. it still is but theres also a giant robot who plays by saturday morning cartoon giant robot rules. if that sounds like tonal whiplash to you, trust me, it is. and its amazing. have i mentioned how homoerotic this one is as well? yeah. originally a tier below this one, but immediately after finishing this post i watched the newest ep. i had to make an exception and edit the list because ep 9 changes everything. i havent been gobsmacked by a show this hard in a while.

(return of the) show(s) that execute their own premise very well;

i havent read the manga for yubisaki to renren so i cant compare, but the quality of this adaptation has been very consistent. you need a little sweet romance every once in a while :) this is one of those series where the characters really grew on me the longer it went on. im always a fan of mixing realistic struggles with romance and this one has been doing it well so far

adaptations that are ok (i read the manga for both of these);

i've been a mashle fan since before s1 aired. and the anime has some good changes and additions here and there! but its not very consistent in terms of quality, it does that shonen thing where the animation quality suddenly spikes for certain action sequences, but it also frequently had a lot of scenes where they recycle shots a lot and nothing interesting happens on the screen for a considerable amount of time. still! its a fine adaptation. and yeah the op for this. blew tf up lmao? very strange to see happen in real time

i actually rlly like the manga for this one. i read the whole thing up until vol.6 before the season started (all that was available back then) and it made me cry multiple times throughout. i was sort of missing that connection with the show, though some of the later episodes still hit. its mostly to do with the animation quality, which isnt that great unfortunately. the voice actors are knocking it out of the park though

wghere am i;

is this show good? i. uh. will you hate me if i say yes...? objectively, i know its not that good. especially in the animation department. but if you like other Umatani shows, you'll like this one. it's got the same brand of goofy reactionary humour mixed with gimmicky tacky characters and crazy stupid plot twists. ive been faithfully watching this one each week and I'm afraid i've become very invested. overscientific indeed

bro you fell off...;

i was so beyond excited for this one. i replayed the op a million times, watched each preview, rewatched multiple episodes. and then. ep 5 happened. and i started to realise. oh this show kind of sucks doesnt it? the pacing of the first ep was great, but the rest? way too fast. it became clear with ep 6 that theyre trying to do a double cour show with half the length, which is why they started hauling ass plot-wise. now. i was an arajin apologist for the longest time. but at that point i honestly started to loathe him. even when he stepped up, his praise still felt sort of unearned. and to top it all off, shindou's motivation sucked so he felt like a lousy antagonist. ep6 was better than 5, but it really made me lose my enthusiasm and hope for the series. and right as we were talking about them probably not having time for a filler ep, ep7 happened. feels like a waste of time to do an ep like that when you've still got a whole 2nd arc to go through. but who am i

it started off pretty good honestly. but then chris went to the hospital and it kind of just dwindled from there. this season does so much with characters that have not even been properly introduced like how am i supposed to care about these people if i barely know who they are. the stuff with finn and leo respectively was good though. but the lore dump? lord help me. also vijay just kind of. exists to be there in the background huh? i would not call him a main character they never give him any attention. wendy had another ep again and he didnt get shit. again. also i think finn was stupid as fuck for not listening to lala but again. who am i. i know we cant destroy high card because we need a show but. cmon man.

i am severely behind on these;

reason why im behind is because most of the eps are a bit heavy so i kept. not watching them. its starting to get rlly interesting though so i'm def gonna catch up this is one of those robo-racism shows so i have to really watch out to see where its going. dont want another marginal service situation...

sorry this is just. a little too boring for me. its charming, sure. but i think this wouldve worked better as something with an 11 min timeslot instead of 23 min. theres just a bit too mu- or well, too little for me to rlly get into this. i think reading it would be more fun for me personally

[larry-22-blog]

Pregnancy, prenup, angst and fluff

I received quite a lot of requests for a pregnancy story, so here we are.

It's almost 10k of angst and fluff. I would say it's a rollercoaster of emotions.

As per time frame it's around a year after the last part of the series: Period complications 6 x First Time

Summary: Erling proposed to his girl, they are getting married, she's the love of his life, and he's the love of hers but life has other plans, his dad and lawyers are trying to making him have a prenup (prenuptial agreement) to protect himself and his money from her. He doesn't talk to her about it but she overhears them talking about it and gets hurt.

They end up in a fight, him making bad choices and hurting her and she leaving him, taking her things and ending their engagement. But what he doesn't know is that she left with something of his 🤰👶🏼.

It was Monday morning, the sun was up and I couldn't be happier, we finally got a sunny day in England, that's so rare, especially during winter.

It felt so nice to have a lazy morning, especially after the past weeks, it was all too much, I felt so overworked and tired and stuck in a bad working environment. The only positive thing was that I got to work from home and that I loved what I do but otherwise it was shit, they didn't care about how much he had to give to deliver the best results and they got tons of money for the projects we made and they pay us shit.

Just great.

I was feeling really down about that, especially since I moved in with Erling because I basically just couldn't afford this lifestyle. He is paid more in a week than I would ever make my whole life, so yeah, of course, he likes to treat himself and the people around him with his money. He was so caring and sweet, his heart is just as big as the rest of him, so yup, it's huge.

I smile as I think about my sweet baby giant.

I just love him so much.

The love of my life.

My soulmate.

As I think of him, my eyes drift to my left hand, where the light was hitting the diamond of the ring he gave me just right, making it stand out even more on my pale skin.

Our engagement ring.

We are engaged.

It still feels surreal.

Sometimes when I think of it, I just end up crying my eyes out at the thought of what has my life become. How happy and loved I feel. All my life I thought that love just wasn't for me, no one seemed to love me enough to even stick around, not even my family, and now I have someone who loves me enough to want to marry me? To want to spend a life together with me?

It just seemed so surreal.

He broke down all my walls and made me who I am today. A much stronger, more confident person than I ever was.

My sweet Erling.

He was the sweetest when he proposed to me, he made sure everything was perfect and it was. We were in a cabin in Norway right between Christmas and New Year, he rented it for us to spend some quality time there, enjoying the beauty that is Norway, nature and well, ourselves.

He prepared everything, lighting up candles and fairy lights, the whole cabin was filled with roses and he proposed right on the balcony, under the Aurora borealis magic light I barely managed to respond with a 'yes' between sobs and I hugged him, holding onto his for dear life as he comforted me.

He knew how much it meant to me, and what was my input on marriage and commitment.

We were always open with each other, finding it easy to communicate, even from the very start of our relationship, it just all came easy.

I got to know the worst parts of his life, the best and everything in between. And he got to know mine too.

The idea of marriage was always scary for me, I never thought it was for me. But I didn't see it until meeting Erling that I wasn't scared of commitment, of me being committed, I was scared of the other person not being as committed as me, of him leaving, I was scared of being abandoned yet again.

But he changed my perspective, as always.

That trip was just so magical. The days we spent there were filled with love and passion and happiness. Just pure happiness.

I feel like we just tuned out the world outside and just focused on us, on our love.

And love we made.

I smiled down, moving my hand down to my tummy.

Our tiny miracle.

I found out last Friday about the tiny human inside my tummy. Our little baby.

I've been feeling bad last week, throwing up and being dizzy and tired all the time and Erling basically forced me to go to see a doctor. He insisted on coming with but I managed to get an appointment early on Friday and he had an away game so I ended up going with my friend, Olivia after I begged him not to miss the game on my account since it wasn't anything serious.

Well, I didn't think it was anything serious, it didn't even cross my mind I could be pregnant.

But here I am, with a 2 months baby Håland in my tummy.

I smiled between tears.

Damn was I emotional lately…

I wonder if Erling noticed it. I find myself crying all the time lately, like yesterday I cried when he came back from the game and picked up McDonald's, ordering my favourite menu, mcchicken with fries and orange juice making sure to not have pickles in my burger. The fact that he remembered that I didn't like pickles anymore just got me sobbing into his chest confessing my forever love for him as he tried to comfort me.

I'm sure it was quite a sight to be seen.

I didn't know how to tell him I'm pregnant, I'm just unsure of his reaction. I know he loves kids, and he wants to have kids in the future but still, he's so young, like damn, he's 22, how could he potentially react to me telling him we are expecting a baby.

I'm older than him and I, to my embarrassment, broke down in the doctor's office hearing the news.

Like it was all so surreal, so unexpected and somehow soon?

We've been together for quite some time but still, a baby is such a major thing.

And there is no going back.

Well, there are possibilities but I could never imagine doing something like this.

The doctor was very kind, explaining to me all the possibilities, and offering support and guidance.

I almost threw up at the thought of having an abortion when the topic came up, it just wasn't a possibility.

How could I ever think of harming let alone killing our baby?

I didn't even know I had any maternal feelings in me, as it is. Like, all my life I've been saying I couldn't imagine myself having a baby, being a mom to something else than a cat or a dog.

But man, could I have been further from the truth? I love this baby with all I have, and I'm prepared to protect it with my life, to offer all my love and support.

I just hope Erling will be on the same page.

I'm not sure I could do this, all this without him.

I know that for him family comes first. He's had a similar situation to mine, his parents are divorced, but at least for him, it wasn't as fucked but, but still.

I know that he wants a stable family, a healthy one, he wants to have a safe and healthy environment for the kids.

I just hope that he won't consider this a burden, it's still so early into his career…

Whenever the topic of kids came up he always said that he would like to have as many as possible, but later on, when he could prioritize them since right now his main focus is football.

And this makes me feel so damn guilty. I never wanted to come between him and football, I'm not the type of person that would make him choose between his career and theirs.

I like to think that I'm mature enough to understand that it's not a competition between me and football for his attention and love, football is his passion, he loves it and he's doing an amazing job at playing football, I'm here to support him as much as I can along the way.

This is why I feel like I somehow failed now, having a baby is not something that was in the plan for any of us. I don't want him to resent me for trying to come between him and football, or well the baby.

Not that it was completely my fault since, to be fair it was a two ways street, but I'm the one carrying it…

But still…

I didn't even tell him I'm pregnant yet. I'm still trying to process everything.

But I have to do this soon, I'm putting too much stress on myself with this and it can't be good for the baby.

Our little miracle.

I found the cutest thing for this.

I searched online and found a Manchester City baby-size home equipment with a customizable name on the back. I had it say 'Haaland' at the top, followed by 'Daddy's #1 fan' right under it.

It even came with baby-sized sports shoes and little sports socks!

It was the cutest thing ever!

I can't wait to see his reaction when he sees it.

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing. I stretched my arm to reach the phone which was on Erling's nightstand and pressed the answer "Good morning my little sleepy head!" Erling said happily, smiling at me, making me blush and hide my face into his pillow, murmuring a soft "morning…"

"Awww you're still a sleepy baby? It took everything in me to leave our bed this morning, you looked so soft and warm and cuddly, and you were holding onto me so tight, I could barely pry you off, my baby koala, had to replace myself with my pillow. And you didn't even wake up, my sleepy kitty" He cooed at me when he saw me yawn. I was indeed very tired and sleepy lately. Because I was carrying a baby, his baby.

But he just didn't know it yet.

I was also very clingy to him, but I was trying to control myself, not wanting to annoy him, it's just that my body is navigating itself to be around him, involuntarily. Maybe it's the baby, wanting to be around its father, or maybe it's my body naturally navigating towards him.

Maybe both.

"Mmmm yes… I think I'm not gonna leave the bed today" I confessed, sleepy, his side of the bed smelled so much like him, I swear this must be heaven.

"Fuck baby, how am I going to resist? I just want to cuddle you and hold you in my arms and do other things in between" he groaned from where he was in the car and I could see him adjusting himself as he gave me a well-known now look.

"Erling! Are you hard at work?!" Suddenly I was very much awake.

"Work hard, hard at work, same shit" he joked making me giggle.

"Baby, you have to be on the pitch in less than 30mins…" I said, looking sadly at him as he groaned.

"But how about today after practice you come straight home and we have a nice shower together" I suggested making him groan loudly. He loves shower sex with a passion.

"Fucking hell, if I'm gonna get a fine for speeding it's on you" he joked.

"Have I told you you're beautiful today?" He gave me a fost smile, making me blush at the compliment.

I have to admit I don't feel beautiful right now, I feel kind of bloated and always on the verge of crying.

"Have you seen yourself, you are the beautiful one between us, especially now, look at my hair! You look like an angel and I look homeless" I hid my head under the cover, making him laugh.

"You look perfect, there is something different though, not sure what but you look absolutely stunning," he said making me blush.

Was the pregnancy visible already?

"Go to practice, you giant sap!" I joked as he realised the time and rushed out of the car, taking his bag with him "damn, well, I have to run baby, I'll be back as soon as possible, I love you my little angel" he blew me kissed "I love you too, my Viking, good luck!! See you at home in a bit!" I send him kisses back before we closed the call.

I put the phone on the nightstand and was out like a light.

I woke up on the verge of an orgasm "Erling!" I moaned loudly as my orgasm hit me, throwing my head back on the pillow, putting my hand on his hair, and pulling at it. I didn't even know if I was pushing him away or pulling him closer.

"Fucking hell, Erling, you should be illegal…" I moaned feeling the aftershocks and I tried to pull him up to me.

"I couldn't help myself, you looked so good, my love," he said moving up so he was towering over me, naked, making me blush when I feel his cock pulsing against my entrance.

I'm not sure if it's me or the pregnancy hormones, but damn was I horny, all the damn time.

I just can't help it, he's too sexy.

He leaned in to kiss me slowly, I felt the tip of his cock pushing in, making me moan, I moved my hands to his hips, more like his ass, as I tried to pull him closer.

Damn was this heaven? It must be.

"Fuck baby, where is the rush?" He groaned as he moved his hips until he was fully in me, filling me up to the brim.

"Fucking hell, Erling, were you always this big?" I moaned at the stretch, he was huge.

"I don't even know, I feel like I can cum anytime, you feel so fucking good, so tight and warm and so damn wet, baby, you are going to be the death of me" he groaned moving his hips slowly as we both tried not to orgasm.

"You're still dressed…" he said, moving his arms so he was resting his weight on his forearms, putting his hands under my shirt to play with my boobs.

"Fuck, just be gentle, my boobs hurt…" I put my hands on him, making him stop and look up at me worried "was I too rough with them last time?"

"No, love, just my body being weird, sometimes they get more sensitive… Like before periods and stuff…" I tried to play it cool, but I hated lying to him.

"Ok…" he said, still looking uncertain.

"Sorry to ruin the mood…" I said, ashamed.

"What, no! You didn't ruin anything! We should discuss about those things, like please, don't feel afraid to speak up to me, to let me know what you are feeling" he said, moving a piece of hair behind my ear, and kissing my nose.

"I love you so much, Erling… But now hurry up before I start crying" I said as I tried to contain my tears.

"Your wish is my command" he started moving again, making us both moan at the intense feeling.

We ended up reaching our highs at the same time, with him coming into me. He tried to lie on me, but I didn't want to accidentally hurt the back, so I made him turn us around, lying on top of him, cuddling up to his chest with him still inside me.

Heaven.

"I love you, my cuddle bug" he kissed the top of my head, pulling the covers over us, knowing how cold I always get after an orgasm.

"I love you too, I'm so sleepy though…" I yawned making him chuckle.

Before I could hear his reply I was already out.

I woke up a few hours late, it was already getting dark outside, I didn't want to leave but I had to pee so badly. I had to.

After I relieved myself, I went down to search for Erling and food.

I didn't eat anything today and I was starving.

I searched for him around the house, but I couldn't find him.

Where was he? Did he go out?

I went into the living room, to check if the car was in the driveway and it was.

So he's home but where is he?

I went back to the hallway, making my way to check if he was outside, in the back garden when I heard his voice.

Loud.

He was definitely angry, he was yelling at someone.

"She makes shit money! So!" He yelled and I could hear someone else speaking after but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

I made my way to the office door, my heart was beating faster, suddenly I don't feel hungry anymore, I feel like I'm going to throw up any moment.

"Of course, I'm not fucking stupid, I work hard for my money, I'm not going to have some gold digger take it," he said angrily.

Gold digger? What is he talking about, who is trying to take his money away?

"Son, please listen to him, this is important," someone said, was it his father? Why was his father here? What is happening?

Everything was fine a few hours earlier.

Erling responded in Norwegian, I couldn't understand a thing he was saying but then the other person started speaking and my stomach sink when I heard him explaining the importance of separating the money, especially in cases like this where one of the spouses makes a lot of money and the other doesn't, one is rich and one is poor, how it would protect Erling's money and himself, that the prenup is essential in situations like this. He explained about clauses they could include to be extra safe, just in case, even about having kids only after a certain period, when it was convenient for his career. About me not getting access to any money even if I was having his baby, only the baby having access to it after a certain age, about him getting the main custody if the case came and we would get a divorce. How he would be able to have the last word in the conception of the child, he could decide if not to keep it if it wasn't conceived as per the clauses, he could make me have an abortion or not legally recognize the child as his. How some celebrities like to include body rules such as the spouse having to be in top shape, a certain weight and healthy. How he could sue me if I don't follow the rules? And some other horrible things.

I couldn't hear anymore, I was crying, full-on sobbing by the time I made it back into our room.

His room.

A prenuptial agreement.

A prenup? They are talking about our wedding? About my body. As if it was a transaction, a business contract.

How could he think something like this about me?

A gold digger?

He wanted to have 100% control of my body, to be able to call the shots about having a baby, to be able to force me to have an abortion if the time wasn't right for him. To have me removed from the child's life if we get a divorce?

How is this the same man I fell in love with?

How could I be so fucking stupid to think that good things actually happen to me?

Everyone around me hurt me, tried to tear me down to pieces, and left me when I needed them, of course, he had to fucking be the same.

He made me think he was all in when in reality he was all out.

The thing is, I don't even care about his money, sure it's nice to be able not to worry about money, but I grew up poor, all my life I've worked for what I wanted, I indeed didn't make much money, nothing remotely close to him, but I don't fucking need his money!

I don't need any expensive presents, or trip or brand clothes or whatever else luxury he offered me.

I just wanted him.

The thing is I would have signed a prenup, I don't want his money, if this was all it was about I would have signed it.

But him having the last word on my body? How is this normal?

We were supposed to be a family.

I wanted to be a family.

He said he wanted us to be a family.

Was it all a lie?

Why did he insist on getting married, he was the one proposing, was it to catch me under a contract?

How could heaven turn into hell in a matter of hours?

Did he know I was pregnant, was my bump visible? Did he want me to get rid of it?

Of our baby. Our poor innocent baby.

I loved Erling with all I have I also loved our baby.

Why would he make me choose between them… I just couldn't.

I was sobbing so hard hugging myself, trying to use the covers to protect my tummy.

From me, from him, from everyone.

After a few minutes, I get up from bed hearing a car engine and some noise out.

I walked to the balcony door, I couldn't see much since it faced the backyard, but I saw Erling on the pitch, furiously kicking the balls one by one at the back of the net. At one point I wasn't even sure how the net was even holding up with the force of his kicks.

I smiled sadly, another wave of tears making their way into my eyes.

I thought I would get to see them play together, in our backyard, watching our tiny little pumpkin, a small version of Erling, run around after his father, playing footie together.

Why was life this cruel?

At one point I fell asleep, exhausted from crying so much but was woken up by Erling kicking the door of our room as he made his way to the bed, moving under the covers so he was close to me, kissing around my face to get me to open up my eyes.

I didn't want to open my eyes, to see him, for him to see me. He would know I cried.

He smelled so good though, his hair was not fully dry, and he must have taken a shower.

"Baby? Are you awake?" He asked softly, kissing my neck.

"Mmmm no…" I responded sleepy, I was so exhausted.

"I want you so bad, baby…" he groaned, moving closer so he could rub his hardness on my thigh, trying to put his hands under my shirt to lift it up and when he touched my tummy I suddenly was wide awake, pushing his hand away, moving away from him "Erling, no! Stop it!" I tried pushing him when he insisted, making him groan.

He smelled like alcohol. Which was rare, he barely drinks alcohol.

"Oh so now you suddenly don't want me! Not too long ago you were throwing yourself at me! Now you're being a bitch about it!" He yelled, moving on his side, throwing the covers off as he got up angrily "You know how many girls throw themselves at me? And you refuse me. Fucking hell, I'll go fucking take care of myself in the guest room! Don't wait for me, I'll sleep there." He left yelling, hurting me yet again with his words.

I've never refused him, not since we first slept together, my first time.

But then again he never put me in this situation.

I took his pillow and cuddled it to my chest, crying myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke up with the need to throw up, I ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach, not that I ate much yesterday, just some cereal.

I washed my teeth and took a shower, dressing into some yoga pants and a t-shirt, I had to stop myself from taking one of Erling's.

I made my way downstairs, preparing a cup of tea.

I opened the fridge to check what we have, wanting to prepare something to eat.

I had such weird cravings that now I wanted to eat toast with butter, jam and ham.

I prepared the food, eating by the time Erling made his way downstairs.

He was shirtless, hair tied, and he was wearing shorts and socks.

He didn't say anything to me as he made his way to the fridge, getting out some orange juice, eggs and bacon.

He looked so intimidating, was he always this big?

"I made you some tea…" I said in a soft voice, almost afraid of his reaction.

"Thanks." He said coldly.

At least he didn't yell at me.

He was preparing himself breakfast, coming to sit across me on the stool.

I started eating again, suddenly feeling very vulnerable in front of him, he lifted his gaze, looking straight at me "you should lay down on the carbs, your face looks all puffy, the bad eating habits are catching up on you he" he said nonchalantly.

I suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore, I feel sick again, tears filling my eyes, I tried not to cry but felt his cold stare, judging me, and with all the emotions I'd felt the past 2 days, I just was so damn emotional.

"Oh come on, you can't be possibly crying because of this" he groaned, facepalming.

I just didn't know what to do, I wanted to confront him but I was so damn scared, he looked at me with such a cold stare, I'm not used to this kind of Erling.

I swear he wasn't like that before or was that just me? Was I blind? Was he always like that?

"Can you please just shut up so I can eat my fucking breakfast in peace?" He said, fist bumping into the counter making me whimper scared by the noise.

"I heard you" I composed myself "yesterday, in the office, you were talking with your dad and your lawyer…" I continued.

"Oh, so this is what it's about. This is why you're acting like a bitch?" He said, angry.

"A bitch? How am I a bitch? By doing what?" I asked, sniffing my nose.

"By acting like this, refusing to sleep with me yesterday and acting like a princess! Like you're so hurt!" He said rolling his eyes.

"I am hurt, wouldn't you be if you were in my place? How would you feel?" I asked him, crying.

"I would be fucking mature, unlike you, this is what normal people do in our situation! I have the right to protect my money!" He said, basically yelling.

"Have I said something about money, why is it all suddenly about money, we are supposed to get married not sign a transaction, a fucking contract! Why would you think I care about your money, you know I hate it when you buy me things or spend money on me…"

"Then why is it such a big deal?! We will have a prenup and end of the deal." He interrupted me.

"Because it's not the fucking money part I'm worried about, it's everything else, the way you guys spoke about my body, about how you could control what I eat and drink and look, you can call shots on my body and all the pregnancy/children stuff. Erling, that's fucked up, completely fucked up." I cried.

"It's like you're fucking buying something, I'm not a fucking car, you can't customize me to your liking, I'm a fucking human, I have feelings too… I gave my all to you, I just have nothing else to give…" I was barely breathing by the time I was done with my rant, but he wasn't much fazed by any of it.

"Fucking say something!" I had enough after we stayed in silence, him watching me as I cried.

"What do you want me to say?" He said, much softer this time but I was not having any of it.

"Tell me when did you start having these kinds of thoughts, did you always think of me as a gold digger, did you always think I dressed badly, that I look bad, that I'm too fat, that you want to be the one to call the shots on what I wear, eat, look? Was I always not enough for you? Do you really want to get married to me, have a family with me?" I asked, searching for his eyes.

"We will continue this after my practice, I have to leave, I'm gonna be late," he said when his phone rang, it was jack, I could see his name on the screen.

Before he leave, I reached for his hand, stopping him "Did you ever love me, truly love me?" I asked softly, between tears.

"We will talk later, I'll be back as soon as I finish the practice" he brushed me off just like that, kissing my hand before getting up, answering Grealish as he rushed to get ready.

"What's up mate, you busy? Something happened?" I could hear Grealish ask.

"Nah, nothing important, just getting ready for practice, I'm in a bit of a hurry," Erling said as he got dressed, I could hear him running around, talking to Grealish about a football game before getting his practice bag and keys and then leaving.

All while I was here confessing my feelings, crying my heart out, baring myself to him.

But then again, it seems like all I was for him was "nothing important".

He didn't have time to talk to me, but he had time to talk to Grealish. He had time for football.

I knew football came first, I fully supported him to follow his passion, always assuming him that I was not mad when he wouldn't make it to my birthday, our anniversary, work party, or doctor's appointment, I really wasn't.

I understood him, I knew what I was getting myself into but to this extent?

I may have been aware of what I was getting myself into and accepted it at some point but what about our baby? He didn't ask to be brought up into this mess.

Our baby, the innocent baby growing up in my tummy, the baby he potentially wants dead.

I feel so betrayed.

So hurt.

Why did he take the time and effort to rebuild my broken heart just to break it into even smaller pieces?

He teared up everything, he offered me a home, a family, and love but it was all a sick joke.

Was he making fun of me?

Was playing with my heart fun for him?

How could I ever recover from this?

I sat there in the kitchen, staring at the picture of us pinned on the fridge.

After what felt like hours I got up, and cleaned the counter, the plates and everything before going up to our, no, his room to pack my clothes, I'm not staying here any longer, it's clear that I got the wrong message, all this stress and fights and crying isn't good for the baby, the least I can do is leave now, while I still have the last tiny piece of dignity left.

I searched for my bag, putting in the stuff I came here with, nothing of what Erling ever bought me, no brand clothes, no expensive perfume, nothing. I took my work stuff from the office, getting everything ready in front of the main door, making sure I didn't leave anything behind before I made my way upstairs again, to his room, there was something else I needed to leave there.

I was crying again by the time I reached the bed, it was nicely made, everything was in order, I made sure to clean after me and I packed, it somehow looked almost empty.

I walked to the mirror in the corner, uniting my necklace, then the earring. My neck looked so bare, I could still feel the ghost of the jewellery there.

Just like I feel the ghost of our relationship.

I put them on his nightstand, then finally reached for the engagement ring, the last piece of his.

I slowly got it off my finger, lifting it up to my lips to kiss it before putting it down on the nightstand, with the rest of his stuff.

I started walking, not even looking back once. I took my bags and closed the door behind me, locking it, right on time I got the notification that the uber arrived.

I looked back at it as I made my way to the gate, luckily no one was there, Erling has some people who manage his outside area, gardening and everything.

I closed the gate after me, put the keys in the mailbox, and gave the house one last look before getting in the uber and leaving. I was crying the whole ride, but to my luck, the uber guy didn't comment on it, he just gave me a sad smile, offering to help me with my bags when we arrived at Olivia's place.

I went up to her door, ringing the bell.

I didn't even call beforehand, hopefully, she's home.

I was relieved when she opened the door, shocked to see me there and in that state.

"What the hell happened?!" She pulled me in, hugging me as I cried into her neck.

---------- Erling's POV 3rd person

Erling took the time to think about what happened.

He felt so fucking guilty. She was right, he was an asshole, a complete asshole.

To be honest, he didn't even want a prenup himself, with all the bullshit clauses and shit, but his father and his lawyer were trying to get him to agree to have one before marrying her.

He wanted a family, all in, he wanted to have as many kids as possible, whenever it was meant to be, he didn't want it to be a contract, to force her to have his kids when his carer allowed, to have that control over her body.

He loved her.

He should have fought with them for her, to defend her, he knows she's not a gold digger, she's nothing like that, she's the love of his life.

He's already spoken to his dad on the way home, calling off the deal, even though it wasn't even something settled. But he wanted to let him know it was a straight no.

He was going to make it right, hopefully, she will forgive him.

Even though he doesn't deserve it.

He's such an idiot.

Really.

She gave herself fully to him, with no conditions, no clauses, full commitment and support.

She bared herself to him, all her past, flaws and imperfections, there for him, and he used them to hurt her.

He knew what she was afraid of, and how much she wanted a home, a family, and a safe environment. She was afraid of her feelings not being returned, of people leaving her.

And here he was, making promises just to tear them down.

He was the biggest asshole on this planet.

He used the remote to open the gates, park the car in front of the house, getting his bag from the back before making his way inside.

He was met with complete silence as he went to get a glass of water from the kitchen, hoping she was there.

She wasn't, the kitchen was clean, he went to throw the peels of the orange he ate on the way home in the trash when he saw the toast she was eating when he made that comment about her body.

"Fucking asshole, that's what I am!" He closed the door of the cabinet with a little too much force, making everything on it shake.

His poor girl, she didn't deserve such an asshole by her side.

Erling went to the living room in hopes of finding her, but with no luck, he called out her name, worried when he didn't get a response.

He knew she wasn't feeling well, she went to the doctor last week and was taking some medication and vitamins, what if something happened to her?

She wasn't eating much lately, and whatever she ate, she ended up throwing up.

And as the biggest asshole, he commented on her weight.

He made his way upstairs, searching for her, calling out her name again but nothing.

She wasn't there.

He felt his stomach sinking.

Something was not right.

He went to their room and he knew it.

It felt empty.

He knew it before he even saw the ring on his nightstand, she was gone.

She left.

She left him.

Went to their shared walk-in closet, some of her clothes were still there, but most of her stuff was gone.

He took a hoodie, it was a Gucci x Adidas one, with the logos in blue.

Erling smiled sadly at it, he got it for her during his trip to London, for the match with Arsenal. He went shopping and missed her like crazy, even though he was only gone for a day, nonetheless day he ended up buying half the stores for her while only buying a pair of Nike for himself.

He just loved spoiling her, he had the money, so why not use it to make someone who makes him happy, happy?

He brought the hoodie to his face, smelling it.

It smelled like her…

He went through the stuff, still crying as he hugged the clothes to his chest, flinging her Chanel perfume, he brought it for her not too long ago, he saw as he was brushing his teeth that her old one was almost empty and he made it his mission to replace it with a new one.

He stopped by the store on the way from practice to get it.

He smiled sadly, smelling it.

He made his way to the nightstand, where the ring was, still holding her hoodie, as he reached for the ring, surprised to also see her necklace and earrings there.

Then the realisation hit him, she didn't take anything he brought her, anything that was brought with his money.

She only took what she brought.

At this point he was on his knees in front of the bed, sobbing into the hoodie.

"It's all my fucking fault!" He shouted, getting up, and punching the wall, he was so fucking angry at himself, at everyone around him, why did none of them tell him what an asshole was he is, what he was doing to her.

Now here he was, alone.

He lost the love of his fucking life.

He wanted to trash the room, hell, the house, to break everything!

But he couldn't, this room was all he had left of her.

She made a home of this house, and now that she left it feels like everything was just a dream.

A nightmare.

He had to find her.

He tried calling her, but of course, she didn't pick up.

But it was a good sign, at least she didn't block him.

That must count as something. Right?

He tried calling Olivia but her phone was off.

He tried to call her best friends but they didn't know anything, plus they were in another country, it's not like she could have gone to them. They all threatened to kill him if he was not gonna make it right with her.

He couldn't call her mom since she didn't speak English so that was out of the picture, most of her family didn't speak English either.

Plus he knew her, she doesn't open up about her stuff, not even to her family.

So what should he do, where should he search for her?!

He was interrupted by his phone ringtone, he quickly picked up, without even looking, hopping to her "Yes??"

"Erling, son, I've got a package for your girl, I called her but she said to throw it away, but she didn't sound fine on the phone, did something happen? Can you come downstairs?" Lucas said, he was the one taking care of the house and everyone else working around the house. He's like a grandfather to Erling.

"I'll be down in a second" Erling ran downstairs.

"Erling, son, what happened? Are you ok?" Lucas said shocked, he never saw Erling cry before, the guy was a walking sunshine, always smiling and laughing.

"I fucked up, Lucas, I fucked up so bad, I hurt her and she left, while I was at practice…" Erling said, accepting Lucas's hug, crying into his shoulder.

"Oh you poor boy, I'm sure you're going to sort it out, you're not one to quit. You have to fight for her! We are Vikings, we aren't afraid to fight! Especially for what we love and you my boy, love her, I can see that and I'm sure she can see it too…" Lucas told him, trying to calm him down.

"I love her, so damn much, but for some reason I keep fucking up, treating her like shit. She deserves better…" Erling says drying his tears with the back of his hand, nervously brushing his hair with his fingers.

"Well, she loves you, wants you. This is what matters." Lucas patted his back.

"Where is the package?" Erling asked, before finding it. It was a small package, from Amazon. He looked confused at it, what could it be?

"I think this is something important. I called her to let her know she got a package since you were at practice and no one was home, and she begged me to throw it away, to not give it to you, to promise her I won't let you see it. She was crying, quite hard on the phone. I figured out you must have been fighting or something, I didn't know she left, but whatever it's in here, it must be related to your guy's fight. Maybe it would help you find her, win her back? God knows…" Lucas explained handing it to Erling.

"My poor girl, she was crying because of me…" Erling took the box, it looked even smaller in his hands.

He felt bad for doing it, it was supposed to be private, but he had to.

She must be hiding something if she begged Lucas not to let him see it.

But what could it be?

He opened the package carefully, whatever it was inside it was carefully wrapped.

Erling put the package away and unwrapped the bubble wrap, a small white box was inside it.

He took it into his hands, it was so small, what could be inside that he should not see?

He opened the lid, both him and Lucas looking intrigued.

He gasped when he saw what was inside.

A tiny pair of baby blue sports shoes, over what looked like a baby-sized Manchester City home equipment. He reached in to take the shoes out to be able to see what was written on the back of the shirt it was the number 9, his number, with 'Haaland' on top and right under it was 'Daddy's #1 fan'.

He reached in to take the small t-shirt out, with a trembling hand, it looked so tiny compared to his hands, Erling was crying by then "I'm going to be a dad…? She's pregnant with my baby, she has my baby in her tummy?" He cried falling down on his knees as he held the box to his chest.

He fucked up so fucking bad.

"Congratulations my son, I'm sorry that you got to find out like that but it's better than not knowing…" Lucas said, patting the back of my head "Now man up Erling, you've got a fight to make, you've got to be strong for your girl and your baby. Don't let them down, they need you" Lucas said, offering him a hand to pull him up.

Erling took his hand and got up, drying his tears, he was going to find her, wherever she was.

"I have to leave", he said, getting his car keys, not letting go of the box.

"I'm gonna get her back home", Erling said to Lucas who cheered for him "that's my boy! A true Viking!"

"Thank you, Lucas, for everything…" Erling hugged him and Lucas chuckled "Of course, my boy, I had a feeling it was something important you had to know about. Now go!"

Erling got into the car, pump the box in the passenger seat, driving off to Olivia's house.

She must be there.

Has to be.

He finally reached it, it was quite a long ride from his house. He got out of the car quickly.

He walked (more like ran) to Olivia's front door, ringing the bell while also knocking on the door, well, hitting it with the side of his fist.

"Open up before I break this damn door down, Olivia! I know you're there!" Erling yelled, hitting it stronger.

He was prepared to bodyslam the door when Olivia opened the door.

"What the hell, Haaland, you'll have to pay for breaking my fucking door! What has gotten into your caveman head?!" She asked angry and scared at the same time.

"Send me the details, I'll pay for the door, now where is she?" Erling asked, looking around for any sign of her.

"She's not here, hold on! Did I say you could come in? Where are your manners?! You can't just come into my house just like that!" Olivia tried to stop him, blocking his access, trying to stop him.

"I left my manners back in Norway, now cut the crap, I know she's here I can see her shoes, so get out of my way. I don't want to hurt you, but if you are standing in the way, between me and what's MINE, I won't hesitate." He said coldly, making Olivia shiver, damn how was this her life?!

She wanted to protect her friend but he can't stand in front of this! He looks feral.

"Leave her alone, Erling, I'm here" a soft voice could be heard from the top of the stairs, making him push past Olivia to get there, standing in front of his girl.

"My love, I'm so sorry, I'm such an asshole, the biggest asshole on this planet, but I love you, with all my heart, I swear, you are the love of my life, my soulmate. Please let me explain, I swear it wasn't like that, I didn't and I still don't want a prenup! They were trying to get me to have one, trying to get in my head and I swear to you I didn't want one, but then you refused to sleep with me and all and I got so angry, I drank a lot too, so the next day I fucked up even worse. I just let my impulsive nature win, when you said you overheard us I immediately thought this was why you were acting like this to make me pull off the deal and I couldn't help but think they were right, but I know it's nothing like that…" Erling rambled, between tears, holding her hands as she slowly got down the stairs, closer to him, but still not on the ground, being at the same level as his.

"I understand it all now and it makes the situation even worse now, I fucked up so bad, you were just trying to protect our little miracle" he finished softly, eyes trailing down to her tummy, then back to her eyes "may I please touch?" He begged.

---------- back to her POV, 1st person -------------

"You can touch, it's our baby…" I softly replied between tears, walking downstairs so I was closer to him.

He got on his knees, shocking me since I was only expecting him to put his hands on my tummy, but no, he lifted my hoodie up and kissed my barely existing baby bump "Our tiny miracle, I'm so sorry for what I put you and your mommy through… I swear I'm going to be better, I'm going to be the best father to you and the best husband to your mommy" Erling nuzzled into my tummy, placing kisses all over it, still crying softly.

I was crying too, my hands were trembling, I wanted to touch him, to hold him, to be in his arms.

He must have sensed it because he lifted his gaze, staring into my eyes with his big blue-greenish eyes.

I felt myself melting in a puddle.

"Baby, please don't refuse this, it belongs to you, please marry me, even though I don't deserve you" he begged and I couldn't help myself, I could not say no, he was so sincere, I could feel it.

"Only if you promise to never separate me from my child, to force me to have an abortion or anything like this," I asked, looking into his eyes.

"I swear baby, never, there won't be any prenup bullshit between us, nothing, what's mine is yours, I'll marry you today, my love, fuck whoever has a different opinion on this. It's our business, none of them!" He said, making me chuckle.

"Well in that case yes. I don't mind a prenup for the money part but anything else is a straight NO from me…" I said, running my fingers through his soft hair as he puts the ring back on my finger, kissing it, before kissing my tummy, then getting up, smiling down at me, holding my hand in his much bigger ones, leaning down to kiss me, but I stopped him backing up a few steps until I was taller than him.

I then moved my hands to his shoulders, looking down at him "Now stay there and kiss me, Haaland, face my everyday struggle" I giggled.

He got on the tip of his toes to be able to kiss me, it was so weird to have the roles reversed, I couldn't help but laugh into the kiss.

"You're too far away, I need you closer," he said, pulling me gently.

"Erling!" I giggled as he lifted me up, putting my legs around his waist, and arms around his shoulders.

"We won't be able to do that much longer, with the baby bump in the way" I smiled down at him, I could feel the happiness radiating out of him, his eyes were sparkling and he smiled so big at me. His eyes were still teary, mine too but we were so happy.

We ended up making out in Olivia's hallway until she interrupted.

"I brought your bags, go have sex at yours, I've seen enough. Happy to see you guys have made up, congrats on the baby, but Erling, my man, I don't think you can put another one in at this moment, maybe wait for this one to be born" Olivia joked, she was blushing.

"Doesn't mean I can't try" he smirked, kissing my flushed cheek.

"Erling!" I hid my face in his neck.

"Come on, let's go home, my love," he said, reaching for the bags.

I tried to get down but he refused to let go of me "I have to use the bathroom real quick…" I blushed, I just couldn't help it, I have to pee 100 times per day lately.

"I'll miss you…" Erling whined, but put me down, kissing my forehead and squeezing my butt as he adjusted himself in his pants, but there was just so much he could hide.

Damn, I can't wait for it to be inside me. I thought while I have him a look, pretty sure he understood my thoughts, gulping as he squeezed himself.

"I must be in a porn movie, damn you guys! Keep it PG!" Olivia groaned and I felt my cheeks getting even warmer.

"Be back in a second!!" I run to the bathroom, doing my business before running back to find Erling and Olivia standing in the hallway, looking so damn awkward.

Erling took my coat and was using it to hide his problem while holding both my bags.

I took the coat from him, he helped me put it on and I thanked him with a kiss on the lips.

I put my shoes on and was about to leave when Olivia spoke "didn't know you finally got the pet snake you always wanted?"

"Pet snake, what are you on about? Erling hates snakes…?" I asked confused, not following up but Olivia gestured to Erling's very much tented pants and it finally clicked in my brain.

"Olivia!! That's the worst joke!" I facepalmed, blushing while I put myself between them to hide it from her.

It was for my eyes only, I should be the only one to see this "stop looking at my boy's cock, for God's sake, that's mine!" I said possessively, giving her a death stare.

She put her hands up "I can't just not look, it's out there! I can't unsee it now! I need to wash my eyes with bleach! Now go, out!" She groaned, pushing us both out.

"I love when you get this possessive of me… Turns me on so much, but don't worry my love, I'm all yours, it's all yours" he said, putting the bags in the back and helping me into the car before getting into the driver seat, taking my hand into his bigger one to bring it to his lips.

"I'm all yours too, just please don't pull something like this again… You really hurt me" I said.

"I swear I won't baby, you and our little angel come first, I'm going to be better for you, I swear. I'm going to be the best father for our baby and the best husband for my princess" he kissed my hand again, using the other hand to rub at my tummy.

I feel butterflies erupting in my tummy every time he touches it.

"I promise I'll be better too, I know I haven't been the best either, I'm not good with my feelings or dealing with emotions, but I'll get there, I swear, I'll try my best to be a good mommy for our little miracle and a good wife for you" I took to put my hand over his on my tummy, smiling down at it.

"You already are, it's me fucking everything up, you were protecting our baby, being the best mommy for our little one… The worst is that you had to protect our child from me, I'm supposed to be the one protecting you both…" he smiled sadly at me.

"You didn't know, it's my fault too, I should have talked to you instead of pushing you away and I put things out of context, I now know it wasn't you who requested all the horrible clauses, but I just, was so fucking afraid, it seemed like you wanted to protect yourself from the responsibility of having a child, and I thought that you would force me to have an abortion or force me out of their life… I know it's fucked up that I thought in such a way about you, but I couldn't help it…" I was crying by the time I was done as he hugged me, the best he could since the console was between us.

"It's not your fault baby, it's all me, I'm sorry for all I've put you through, but for what's worth, I never wished to include anything like that in the prenup, if we would had had one, I would not want to have such control over you. It's your body… It may be my baby but you're the one carrying it. And I would never ask you to have an abortion, ever, I want as many kids as possible with you. Can you imagine?! We could have a whole football team!" His eyes were sparkling as he grinned down at me.

"Erling that's 11 babies! I'm not going to give birth to 11 babies! Knowing your genes, they will be giant anyways…" I whined, nuzzling into his neck.

"Oh, I was thinking more like 15? You know so we have a few backups" he said nonchalantly, leaving me speechless.

"ERLING BRAUT HÅLAND! I'm not popping 15 children out of my vagina! Oh my God, 15 pregnancies, I don't even think that's possible!" I slapped his bicep as he laughed at me.

"Oh, don't worry, with a bit of luck we could have some twins or even triplets, you know I like scoring more than one goal, so triplets would be a hat-trick basically! It would be under 15 pregnancies!" He said cheerfully.

"What, no, Erling! I will kill you!" I slapped his bicep but he only laughed more, kissing my forehead before starting the car.

"We will see about that…"

Note:

As always, please leave a comment or message me, I love feedback! :)

Also if you have a prompt, please feel free to send it to me!

[maddys-nerd-blog]

And here we are… the conclusion of Ransom.

My first truly completed fanfic work on here… geez, I can’t believe it. I didn’t think anyone would like my stuff 🤣

One of the reasons why I wanted to share this was I’d been working on this for so long that I thought it’d be cool to get this on my blog! I wanted to write a fic where Danny got some limelight for once; we know so little about him that it’s all up to interpretation to understand his overall character. Another thing I wanted to do was establish the fatherly bond he grows with Leo— in the final story their relationship is akin to Katie and Mondo’s.

Firstly I wanna thank my friends for their constant support and kindness; @queen-with-the-quill, @tending-the-hearth, @goldenflowerdragon, @joystone1217, @figuringitoutasigoalong, and @lameboobah, without you I wouldn’t have the opportunity to share my fanfics with everyone. You guys inspire me and your works are amazing.

Secondly I need to shoutout this stellar writer. She’s honestly one of my favorite fanfic authors ever and her quality is always on point. @wasted-and-ready is truly a master at her craft and if you haven’t already, please go follow her!

And finally I wanna thank you guys! This fandom, for being my happy place and my safety net. I’m honored to be part of a space where everyone is so kind and polite, and share the same passion for these turtles. You guys enjoying my cringe is all worth it 🤣

Ransom 5

A TMNT Crossover Short Story Fanfic

Part Five: Home

“Hold still mijo, I’m almost finished.” Katie applied some more disinfectant cream to the cuts around Leo’s left wrist, the dark red ligatures starting to bruise. He yelped, flinching, but he didn’t rip his hand away. “You’re doing a great job. Just keep staying still.” Katie comforted.

Danny was silent as he sat back in the sofa, patiently waiting for Katie to finish tending to the slider. Exhaustion had claimed him with a vengeance, he wasn’t in any rush to get his wounds treated. After everything they’d been through, he just wanted to sleep.

Two hours after they’d arrived back to their hideout, Katie wasted no time sending Casey, Mikey and Raph off to fetch the medical supplies. She led Leo to sit on the couch as she festered over the severity of his injuries, asking a thousand questions all at once. She wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, made him a cup of tea, basically pampering the teen with all the care she could offer. Not that the slider looked annoyed— on the contrary. He was basking in the motherly affection, soaking it all up like a sponge to water. Danny almost wanted to cry for the poor kid. If what he’d said about his own father was true, then this boy was starved for proper paternal support.

Once they’d given her the supplies the other three retreated to the corridor, letting her work in peace. When Katie had offered Danny a blanket he’d kindly declined. For now, he was content with cradling his glass of brandy— it helped to soothe the aggravating migraine currently running rampant. Lifting a hand to his nose he swiped away the thick trail of blood that had dried over his chin, wincing as his claw brushed across a cut he hadn’t realized was there previously. Must’ve been the adrenaline, he reasoned.

“Aaand… there,” Katie finished applying the cream, offering the slider a gentle smile. “Done. You did great, Leo. Lemme just wrap these up for you and you’re all set.”

Leo raised his tired gaze to Katie— there was an aura of exhaustion that exuded from his weary being, so physically drained of all energy. The poor kid probably needed a week’s worth of rest. “How’s Donnie…?”

“The worst of the flu has started to simmer out, thankfully. Just sneezing and congested now.” Katie picked up the gauze, wrapping the thin wrists in clean bandages as she worked. “His fever broke yesterday morning before we left to find you. He’s been sleeping it off ever since.”

Leo breathed a sigh of relief. As she finished wrapping his left wrist, he asked, “You okay…? You got hurt pretty bad.”

“Me?” Pausing momentarily to give the slider an astounded look, Katie couldn’t help but laugh. “Hon! I’m fine! Some petty thugs with switchblades aren’t going to be the death of me. If it was, that would be a real shitty way to go. If I DID die tonight, you may as well have thrown my pathetic ass into the Hudson.”

This garnered a genuine giggle out of the teen, making Katie smile even more— the stress lines around the edges of her lips seemed to fade. “Not the Hudson!”

“I know, I know, too good for me. Maybe toss me in Lafayette or something.”

“No way! Dude, give yourself some dignity! We’d throw you to Jersey!”

“If you ditched my ass in Jersey I’d haunt you forever and curse your pizza to be eternally cold.”

Leo actually laughed at the comment. That was promising. It at least took the edge off Katie’s shoulders as she tied the bandages to his wrist. Danny breathed a little easier, watching the interaction fondly.

She made this look so easy.

Once Katie finished wrapping his wrists Katie did a final once over, gently tipping his head side to side as she inspected his face for any more wounds she might have missed. “I think we’re good. You’re picking dinner tonight. I don’t care what it is. Name it, I’ll make it.”

Leo pondered on this decision with grand purpose, thoughtfully staring at the floor for a minute before a smile spread on his lips. “Burritos.”

Katie chuckled, slightly surprised. “Wow! My burritos? I expected pizza. You sure you’re feeling okay?”

“Yeah. I’d rather have what you make. Your cooking helps,” Leo wrung his hands, fingers toying with the fresh linens wrapping over his palms, looking so small in comparison. Leo’s voice turned vulnerable, honest. “… I missed you so much, Madre.”

Her face softened significantly. Something switched in her expression, emerald eyes wide with surprise at the sudden use of Spanish. Wrapping her boy up in her arms to draw him close, Katie hugged the slider with all the care she could muster. “I missed you too, mijo. We all did.”

If Leo could look any more at home than he did in Katie’s arms, the slider would have become human. The relaxed sigh, the smile of relief, holding onto her like a lifeline for comfort. It warmed Danny’s heart to watch mother and son share a tender moment of comfort after all they’d been through. Leo was lucky to have her for a mother.

After a few minutes, Katie finally withdrew from the embrace, rubbing Leo’s shell with a soft grin. “Alright hon, lemme take care of Danny and make you dinner. I think everyone is in Donnie’s room if you wanna go see them.”

Leo’s eyes brightened. “Is Donnie awake?”

“He might be. He was asleep when we left, so maybe—“ Katie didn’t get to finish her sentence before Leo sprang to his feet, hobbling into the corridor to find his surrogate brothers. Not even three minutes later, voices coming from Donnie’s room emerged with cheers of excitement.

Only Danny and Katie remained. Taking another sip of his brandy Danny smirked at the woman. “So,” he nodded in her direction. “Just us now.”

“You know that won’t last long.” Katie jested, coming to sit at his side with her box of medical supplies. “In a house full of restless teenagers they’re bound to come barging in here to use the game consoles soon.”

As she started looking through the kit, Danny could see her face up close. Shallow cuts marked finely tan skin, some running deeper around her cheekbones and temples. A cut sliced through her bottom lip and dragged down towards her chin. Around her throat a necklace of thick, violet bruises in the shape of fingers decorated her skin. There were bags under her eyes— no sleep, running on fumes, pushing the exhaustion aside for the sake of her family.

Danny felt his chest twist. “Kat…?”

“I’m fine,” Katie immediately cut him off before he could start questioning her. “Hun is a really bad shot and couldn’t hold me long enough leave any permanent damage. He didn’t hurt me too bad.”

Danny blinked, surprised. “You sure?”

Katie nodded. “I’ve been through worse.” She picked up a cotton ball, soaking it in some disinfectant. “You look like shit though.”

Danny chortled, nearly spitting out his liquor from the comment. “Me? Please.” He put his glass aside to allow her to work. “A face like mine is unbreakable! Ladies love a man with scars.”

“True. But your scars will have scars. Some of these run deeper than burns,” Katie adjusted herself to sit on her knees, reaching up to start blotting at the cut around his scalp. Instantly the burn of the alcohol made him hiss, ears flattening on his head. He didn’t think it would sear this badly— maybe he was out of practice. Or maybe he didn’t drink enough to prepare himself. Shoulda chosen th’ bourbon.

“… what did they do?” Katie asked, voice softer than usual. “Just so I know what I’m dealing with.” There was meaning behind her question. He knew this wasn’t just a medical inquiry. This was Katie’s way of asking ‘how badly did they hurt you so I can repay that tenfold’ without expressing the fury she was no doubt keeping at bay for his sake. For the kid’s sake.

“… nothing I ain’t already used to.” Danny shrugged lamely, wincing when she started cleaning the gash under his right eye. “Busted th’ shit outta me. Ya heard th’ worst of it on th’ phone.” He spared a sideways glance towards his wrists, hating how scarlet they were. “Rope burns. Blisters. Bruising. Probably cracked ribs here,” he placed a hand on the left side of his chest, pressing his fingers down to feel for the internal damage. He cringed when his bones seared from the slightest touch. “I know for a fact th’ prick gave me a concussion, my head’s spinnin’ like a mother fucker.”

Katie’s expression wilted. She stopped dabbing at his face, the white cotton ball saturated in bright red. Avoiding his face for a moment she sighed, tossing the used cotton aside to retrieve a fresh package of gauze and bandages. It was this moment of pause that she finally shrugged off the zip-up hoodie, shedding it like a snake skin and tossing it away to deal with later.

He took notice of her arms this time… covered from the elbow down in thicker, deeper scratches that had bled previously. Her nail beds were dyed in dark red.

Danny suddenly recalled in the fog of pain during the rescue, hearing a shrill shriek of agony. Something being ripped apart. Something… splattering.

And he remembered he didn’t see Hun in the aftermath. Raising his gaze to Katie, he spoke. “What happened t’ Hun?”

Her shoulders went rigid. Shame radiated her very being, arms starting to shiver. The lump in her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “… I took care of him.”

The ominous statement sent chills shooting down his spine. There was finality to her tone, wavering yet definitive. Unconsciously he reached a hand over, carefully taking one of hers and giving it a strong squeeze. Softly the yōkai brushed a thumb across sore knuckles stained with red spots and greenish-blue blemishes. “… he th’ one who left those marks on your neck?” He asked quietly. Truth be told, even in the pitch blackness of the warehouse, he hadn’t been able to make out where she’d been throughout the brawl.

She nodded.

His fingers squeezed her hand. “… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Katie replied with a shaking sigh. “It was either him or you and Leo. I’d butcher that son of a bitch twice over for what he did to you.” The words she spoke were honest and full of conviction, but her shoulders still shook.

Danny fell silent. He knew she meant it. He knew, above all else, she meant every word— ‘whatever means necessary’. Those kids were her world. She’d put everything on the line for their happiness. He didn’t doubt her loyalty to the boys that had given her reason to stay alive. Hun had it coming for ages, whether that be at Katie’s hand or at the Shredder’s was been up for debate… until now. Truthfully he was glad the bastard paid the price of his consequences— he wasn’t sorry to see the man go.

And yet he could sense her grief. Did she blame herself for this…?

Wordlessly he moved in close, draping his arms around her waist and drawing her near. Moving slow as to not startle the woman, the yōkai pressed a kiss into her shoulder blade. Her body felt warm under his hold, bringing a sense of familiarity and comfort as she leaned back into him to better fit into his embrace, desperately trying to relax. “No fue tu culpa, ¿sabes?” He murmured beneath her skin, pressing another kiss onto her neck. “Nada de lo de esta noche fue tu culpa.”

“You don’t gotta lie just to make me feel better.” Katie shook her head. “We both know it was me he wanted.”

“Ya couldn’t have known he was gonna come after us in broad daylight. It was shit luck.”

“But I’m always the main reason why this happens! It’s MY problem, I was the one who killed Karai! Now I’m target number one, which includes all of you! This isn’t the life I wanted for them, for us, for you!” She pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes and shuddered sorrowfully. “And even if Hun’s gone they’ll still keep looking for us. It’s only a matter of when.”

“They ain’t gonna look for us down here. We made sure of that.”

“It hasn’t stopped them before.”

He tightened his arms around her middle. “That was before ya took out their biggest muscle. They know they’re not gonna risk touching th’ kids again without goin’ through ya.”

“Daniel. They tried to KILL you just to get me to come out there. Hun could have killed you.”

“As long as Leo’s safe it don’t matter t’ me.”

“You matter just as much as those kids. Don’t you DARE think that if you died tonight I would have been able to handle it.” Katie’s voice was shaky, her arms wrapping around herself as the floodgate of emotions threatened to burst at the seams. “I’ve already lost so much.”

“You and I both know that I ain’t th’ easiest guy t’ kill. I’m like a cat. Got nine lives.” Danny tried to jest. “I think I still got seven left.”

She went eerily silent. Lips pursed thin, her chin wobbling. “… Daniel.” She whimpered. “What would I have done if I lost you?”

His eyes widened. She never used his full name, only ever using it in moments where her vulnerability was laid bare. “Baby…” he brought his hands onto her shoulders, giving them a squeeze. “Ya aren’t losin’ me.”

“I almost did.” She wrapped her arms around herself, shaking her head. “You weren’t there when things got bad for us. When we were with Fugitoid. Leo hasn’t sounded like that in years, not since I pulled him out of the Prison Scape. He…” she shuddered. “He called you DAD.”

Danny squeezed her shoulders, his chest tight from the memory. “… yeah. I know.” He sullenly acknowledged. “I heard him.”

“And he was calling for his Dad, Daniel. He was calling for his Dad and Hun almost KILLED you in front of him and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it!” Katie finally snapped her head back to look at the yōkai with anguish. “What was I gonna do if he really killed you?! What if he killed Leo too?! I wouldn’t have been able to stop him! I would’ve heard two of the most important people in my life die because I wasn’t there to take those beatings!”

Danny almost couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Mouth agape as he fought to find words to convey his utter astonishment over this confession. “Kathrine…”

She took a staggering breath, dragging in air through clenched teeth. “It should’ve been me. It should’ve been me, not either of you. NONE of you. If Hun…” Katie closed her eyes squeezed shut as if to stave off the sheer idea of what might have been. “If he really did kill you two… I don’t know how I’d live with myself.”

The yōkai couldn’t find words. His mouth hung open, unable to speak. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. Kathrine was a lot of things— reckless. Headstrong. Stubborn and cocky. But she was also fierce, wildly ambitious, spontaneous and spirited. Beneath all this there was a woman with a brittle shell that would crack under the immense pressure she put herself through for the sake of the kids she took under her care. He understood her foggy mental state… but never knew she thought so badly of herself.

To see herself dead first over losing everyone… to watch her beat herself up over circumstances she couldn’t control. It was giving Hun what he wanted even in death; to see her crumble.

Hell. No.

“Kathrine. Look at me.” Danny moved with ease, scooting around to better position himself to sit at her side. He cupped her face into his palm, raising her head to meet his gaze properly. “Ya know what kind of life I came from before I found you. Ya know I worked for Big Mama. Gettin’ th’ shit kicked outta me was just th’ norm. It was my job t’ get things done no matter how hard it got. She didn’t care about me, or Leonard and Mickey. I was a criminal living my day to day in a back alley apartment hoping th’ cops never caught me. I was a shallow bastard who couldn’t see what I was missing until you opened my eyes. I was… nothing.” He brushed his thumbs across her cheekbones, delicate to the touch. “You’re th’ first woman in my life that never treated me like I was expendable. I can handle gettin’ kicked and punched a couple times… but losin’ you?” He touched her forehead to his. “That’s a life I can’t live.”

Katie’s emerald orbs flashed with somber regret, lips still quivering. “Danny…” she whimpered, sounding on the verge of tears. “I’m nothing special.”

“You kidding?” He chuckled airily. “Outta all th’ women I’ve ever met, you’re th’ first who did th’ impossible.”

“Which was?”

Danny’s eyes turned affectionate. Golden eyes the color of starlight drank all of her in like priceless wine. Beautiful and alluring, a forbidden fruit no man could savor the taste of for long. She’d been burned before. She’d been hurt by men— and a woman— who used and threw her away. They didn’t get to see the core under the skin of what created her, the roots of her being that housed the very foundation of who Kathrine was.

An officer hellbound to her duty. A sister who missed her family. A mother who put her boys first.

A woman with a heart that hesitated when it came to love. But he’d been lucky to pull the curtain back, to see her, to catch a rare glimpse inside the mind of the human who helped set him free from a life of servitude.

And he voiced the truth to her plain as day. “Ya made me fall in love with you.”

Katie’s shoulders went rigid. It was as if she were fighting to keep everything at bay. The woman looked so stiff he worried she would start crumbling under the weight of all they’d been forced to deal with. Inching her hands around to return the hug she held him closer to her, leaning her head forward to better rest it against his neck. She took a deep breath, trying to steady her breathing. The staggering silence between them lasted ten minutes… maybe longer. He didn’t know. He wasn’t going to rush her.

He merely held her close, continuing to press kisses into her hair, providing the love she’d been denied but eagerly craved. “I got ya,” he mumbled between kisses. “I got ya Kathrine. Just keep breathing. Deep breaths, doll. One… two… three… you got it.”

Katie’s fingers dug into the flimsy fabric of his shirt. He could feel moisture on his shoulder. “I love you,” came the soft whisper of the detective against him.

“I love you too,” he warmly replied, tilting her head up to look at him again. “No matter what I gotta deal with, I’m glad I stayed. No amount of money could change my mind.”

“How did you end up helping ME through a mental crisis after YOU got kidnapped? That’s not fair!”

“Hey, ya saved my ass tonight, I’d consider it even.”

Katie smirked. “You’re a jackass.”

“But I’m yours,” he ran a set of fingers through her hair, loose and tangled, claws gently pulling knots free. “And that’s enough for me.” Shifting upright, Danny carefully arranged himself to better sit comfortably to fix his aching spine, groaning when he heard the tailbone pop. “OW— Fuck, me. I ain’t sitting straight for a MONTH.”

“I can tell,” Katie wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, finally gathering her wits about her to start treating him. “Lemme check your wrists, your skin’s torn.”

They spent the next few minutes in comfortable ease, Katie cleaning and wrapping wounds as Danny listened to her idle chitchat, passing the time by trading jokes and stupid stories to better lighten the mood. The worst of his wounds were located around his chest and abdomen, deep knicks and bruising from where Hun had kicked him leaving behind nasty marks. He played it off of course— “Yer tryin’ t’ get me shirtless that bad? Ya REALLY must’ve missed me,”— which earned him a playful swat to the stomach.

In fifteen minutes she’d managed to wrap his torso in bandaging, winding some around his left shoulder, putting cotton gauze beneath the thicker linens to stop the wounds from bleeding. He applied the healing salves to the burns on his wrists, internally grateful for the mystic properties in the medicine to speed up the process. Danny was beginning to feel like a mummy by the time they finished setting the shattered bone in his tail.

“Should be okay now,” Katie put a bandage across the bridge of his nose. “I got painkillers you can take.”

“God, yes please,” Danny slumped into the couch, flexing his hands to shake off the painful sting of the mystic ointments kicking in. “I need something t’ shake this migraine off.”

“A migraine is the least of your worries,” Katie tossed him a packet of pills. “That concussion should settle by the end of the week but you should focus on resting.”

“Can do,” Danny nodded in her direction, swallowing the pill with ease. “So. What now? Th’ Purple Dragons still out there?”

“Whoever we knocked out I left for the police. Casey called ahead of time to give them a heads up that we were… taking care of some punks.” Katie closed her medical kit, snapping the latches shut with a sigh. “I’m just glad the kids didn’t see the mess.”

Danny spared another look at her scratched arms, irritated, still furiously red against the beautiful tan. “Nah. Hold on,” he stopped her from putting the kit away, motioning for her to sit again. “Lemme clean those. Just cuz ya ain’t as busted up as me it don’t mean ya aren’t hurt.”

Mouth opening with bemusement, Katie plopped herself down beside him, handing the yōkai the box. “Look at you! Mister ‘Let me be assertive’ over here!”

“I can be VERY assertive. Ya just haven’t seen me in action yet,” Danny winked in her direction, popping the med kit open once more to fetch the mystic salves and some linens.

“Is that a promise?” Katie leaned forward, looking promiscuous beside him, an obvious attempt to flirt as she held her arm forward for him to take as though waiting for the yōkai to start peppering her knuckles with kisses. She waggled her fingers teasingly for emphasis.

“Honey,” Danny took her wrist, pulling her arm to better lean forward and press a kiss to her pulse, admiring the bright red hue that dusted her cheeks. “I’ll show ya every damn night.”

Katie hummed affectionately— the butterflies in his stomach stirring from the sound. It reminded him how much he’d truly missed her. What would he do if he never got to hold her like this again? To cherish her, fawn over her? His heart fluttered with adoration over the detective. Looking into those eternal emerald eyes he knew his heart was hers, and hers alone.

Wordlessly Danny closed the distance between them; he kissed the woman, short and brief, but long enough to catch her by surprise. Against the bitter tang of blood that lingered from her lip she still tasted faintly of tangerines. When he went to pull away, Katie was suddenly returning the sentiment, kissing him back stronger than before. His hand slowly came to cup her face, pulling Katie close, cherishing this moment, savoring this reunion for however long he could. For such a woman to render him weak willed such as this, for a woman to turn him to putty in her hands…

God, I dunno what I did t’ earn this, but I’ll never doubt ya again.

By the time their moment of revived passion ended and they began to part from their kiss, the living room was suddenly awash with the telltale gaggle of laughter and loud jokes, the boys flooding into the threshold. They were nothing but lively, like nothing in the past few days had changed them; if anything it only made them closer. Donnie rode atop Raph’s back as he carried the younger of the group into the room, looking much more giddy than before but still slightly pale in the face. Leo and Casey were beaming, sharing a joke with each other, the human toting the old Wii console under his arm. Mondo was carrying a plethora of games that were ready to topple out of his hands. Mikey absconded to raid the kitchen for snacks.

“— no WAY you’re being Waluigi! You hog him all the time!”

“Cuz he’s the best character to play! And by default since I’m home, I get to choose first!”

“Ya better not pick Rainbow Road either, or I’ll snap th’ game disc in half.”

“You got anger issues, man.”

Their eyes fell upon their caretakers. And in true fashion, all five of them began to tease them.

“Oooooooooooo~!” “Shame, shame!”

“One word outta any of you and you’re ALL grounded.”

“EXCUSE ME, I WAS JUST HELD PRISONER FOR THREE DAYS! I get privileges!”

“I was right there with ya, don’t mean I get special attention!”

Leo scrunched up his beak and stuck out his tongue. Donnie giggled at the sight. “Whatever! All I know is I’m totally kicking ALL of your shells tonight.”

“Not unless I break your record!” Mikey cackled, dropping an armful of Milk Duds, Raisinets, gummies and various types of potato chips to the coffee table in favor of seizing one of the remotes to start up the console. “I’m Toad cuz he’s the main man!”

“Oh come on! Pick someone else,” Casey groaned with a playful grin. He casually sat himself in front of the television as Leo turned it on, hooking up the Wii. “We all know Bowser is a powerhouse!”

Raph helped Donnie off his back, the shorter turtle settling into the comfortable recliner he loved to lounge in. “Hey, come on, settle down. Why not let Don choose first?”

“I can wait,” Donnie smiled, wrapping himself up in a fluffy blue blanket for warmth as he settled in, sniffling, popping a cough drop into his mouth. “Let Leo go first.”

“And THIS,” Leo hugged the purple masked mutant. “Is why YOU’RE my favorite brother.” He plopped into the seat beside him without a care in the world, Wii remote in hand and an eager grin on his beak. “Victory is ours, Donnie!”

The boys quickly fell into their status quo: Raph telling Casey what to do, Casey in turn protesting the decisions the oldest made, Mondo happily sitting on the floor watching the chaos unravel as he and Mikey started munching on Doritos, Leo and Donnie trading corny jokes with each other, the difference being the pair were squished into the chair, remaining close.

“Well,” Danny snorted in amusement. “Guess we don’t gotta worry ‘bout them bein’ scared anymore.”

“Guess not,” Katie agreed. She leaned against his side comfortably, head falling to rest on his shoulder. “But they always know how to bounce back. My boys are stronger than steel.”

“Ya mean our boys?” Danny asked quietly.

Katie gasped. Her eyes widened in awe. “Our…?”

“Is that wrong?”

“No.” Katie nuzzled her cheek into his arm comfortably, hugging his side tighter. “It’s got a nice ring to it.” Then, softer, in a heartfelt voice, she added, “I think you’d be an amazing dad. These boys need that kind of pillar in their lives right now.”

“… ya think I’m up for th’ task?”

“I can’t think of anyone better.”

He couldn’t deny that. After all he’d been through the last few days the term endeared him to the prospect of being part of this unit. Leo granting him the moniker of ‘Dad’ had changed him. Life had been unforgiving to him for so long he’d all but given up hope that things were never going to be better… but in this hideaway, surrounded by the people who cared about him the most…

This was everything he’d ever wanted.

“Hey, Dad!” Leo suddenly caught him by surprise when the teen tossed the man a Wii remote. He caught it single handedly. “Care to join me in a tag-team challenge?”

“Since when did this become tag-team?!” Casey exclaimed. “That’s not fair!”

Leo threw an arm over Donnie’s shoulders, disregarding Casey. “As always, Dee and I are the Dream Team. Dad’s our backup. And Mom can be moral support!”

“No WAY, dude,” Mondo threw himself into the vacant spot at Katie’s right side, like an overly eager puppy whose tail was slapping the cushions. “We call dibs on Mom! Right Mike?”

“For SURE, Bruh!” Mikey gave his gecko companion a fist-bump in solidarity, sitting cross legged on the carpet. “Mom’s our secret weapon, you guys are done for!”

Raph and Casey exchanged a sideways glance with each other, nodding. “You’re gonna find out why we’re th’ real A Team,” Raph high-fived his co-conspirator. “Don’t come crying t’ us when we wipe th’ floor with ya.”

Donnie blew a raspberry, pushing his glasses up his snout to look cartoonishly smug. “I beg to differ. I’ve been practicing my ‘kart driving skills while I was sick. Prepare to LOSE.”

“Oh really?” Katie giggled, eyeing Danny with a smug grin. Crossing her arms she decided to dare him. “What say you, Daniel? You ready for me to whoop your ass?”

Danny’s golden eyes glinted mischievously. He held up the controller, waggling it in front of the woman as Leo and Donnie cheerfully started chanting his name. “Babe. I love ya…”

He pushed the start button. The game came to life on the television screen, bright colors illuminating the living room walls. “But you’re goin’ DOWN.”

*******************

The lair fell into a comfortable silence after hours of giddy laughter, gamer smack talk and joyful cries. The television stayed on, reruns of classic gangster films illuminating the walls and painting the living room in sepia tones. Emptied boxes of candy, bowls of popcorn kernels, and mugs of hot chocolate sat on the coffee table.

The strange assortment of misfits were sound asleep; Raph sat on the floor with his back to the left side wall near the couch, head falling to rest against the armrest, snoring softly. Casey lay starfished on his back in the rug with a simple throw blanket bunched around his legs, snoring the loudest out of all the teens. Mikey curled into a ball near the recliner, muttering in his sleep about catching waves in the California sun.

Both Leo and Donnie were huddled in the kicked-up recliner, sleeping peacefully for the first time in days. The techy turtle’s glasses were askew on his face, game controller having been dropped from lax hands to his lap, his temple resting on the slider’s shoulder. Leo’s expression was calm, a soft smile on his face as Donnie rested at his side. Brothers reunited although not bound by blood, were subconsciously put to ease in one another’s presence.

Mondo slept happily at his mother’s side like he belonged, his tail wrapped tight around his body to sustain some warmth despite being buried under a thick quilt. His head was pressed to her arm, safe and sound, a giant grin plastered to his scaly features.

And then there were the caretakers. Danny was laying on the left side of the sofa, Katie in the middle, his tail circled around her waist to pull her closer. The woman’s head fell to rest upon his chest, ear pressed to his heart to listen to its heartbeat. Entangled within a loving embrace the two didn’t seem too keen on being split apart.

Momentarily blinking into consciousness Danny opened his right eye, groggy as hell, taking one more look at the scene surrounding him. The peaceful silence, the sense of safety, the assurance to know he wouldn’t be waking in an unknown room… it was nothing like he was used to. He never KNEW this feeling. His own father would never have afforded him that sort of kindness when he was younger. For the first time in his life, Danny felt as though he could sleep without fear. He had a woman who loved him. He was the stand-in father figure to a group of boys that seemed to respect him. He’d grown a bond with Leo, who viewed him as a father.

Danny’s gaze fell upon Katie, who still managed to look captivatingly beautiful even in slumber. A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.

What did I do to deserve her?

Pressing a tender kiss into her hair he nuzzled his cheek against her own. He breathed in the familiar scent of rose shampoo from thick charcoal locks, his heart growing full as he began to fall back to sleep in the comforting hold of the woman he cherished more than life itself.

Danny no longer feared the unknown. He would no longer allow himself to be tethered to the chains of regret that weighed him down. Mama had no power over him. His father couldn’t hurt him. Hun would never hurt anyone again.

Danny slept for the first time finally believing in three things:

He was safe.

He was happy.

He was home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that’s all she wrote!!

Thank you so much for reading!! Hope you liked this!! 🥹

[yjano]

Who I am now?

Part 19.

Pairing: Jake x Mc.

Genre: Angst, comedy, dark romance.

Warnings: Strong language, angst scenes. 18+ content can be found.

Words: 6.2k

Author's note: This story contains mature topics and is not fully related to the duskwood game. A different parallel with different personalities. Thank you everyone for following and liking this! lly.♡

•

.

Mc focus.

.

"Alright, what's your question for me?" Nymos muttered, driving one-handedly as his other hand used a balled-up paper towel to clean up any traces of coca cola on his skin.

"I don't have anything in mind, to be honest." I coughed, adjusting my shirt. "Um, do you have any photographs on you of you and Jake when you were kids? Like the ones in your home?"

"...I'm giving you the most perfect opportunity for you to find out more about my brother through me but you just wanna waste the opportunity by looking at our baby photos?" Nymos tutted, shaking his head in disapproval, but still reaching inside his jacket pocket for his mobile phone.

"Like, I can tell you so many things about bro that he'll never bother to share with you. Things like the first time he had sex with someone. Wasn't a great experience for him I'm guessing since he accidentally knocked her out, because she squeezed his bud too hard. He woke me up at 3 am in the fucking morning and made me drive him home because his dick hurt too much to do it himself." Nymos concluded, laughing and handing his unlocked phone to me. I took it with my eyes widening at his words.

I glanced down at his phone screen to see I was in his photo album app, staring at a grainy photograph of young Jake and Kaden grinning so hard at the camera.

"Swipe right for more." Nymos smiled. I did that as he said, giggling at the next photo which happened to be of either a ten-year-old Jake or Kaden glaring viciously at the camera whilst being kitted out in a black turtleneck, black skinny jeans, several pieces of chunky silver jewelry, and boots studded with little spikes. Additionally, the boy's eyes were heavily lined with black, and his face was powdered a ghostly shade of white. In the background, I noticed an infuriated elderly lady lifting a sandal in the air, seeming to be in mid-warrior cry.

Nymos, noticing me laughing especially hard at this photo, grinned widely.

"Bro tried going to school like that one day but our grandma saw and beat his vampire-looking ass, telling him she wasn't gonna drive him to the hospital if he got heatstroke."

I laughed harder in reply, swiping right with my thumb to find yet another low-quality photograph of both the twins in their final year at high school, dressed in muddied football wear and looking a lot more like how they look now. Tanned by the sun, muscular, dark hair tousled, and wearing grins that left me a tad bit breathless.

Fuck, I bet they were super popular in high school. I wanted to send this specific photograph to my phone so I could privately drool over them in their red and black colored football uniform. I suppressed the urge to do so and instead forced myself to swipe right.

"Oh my god, oh my god! What is this?"

"Hmm?" Nymos took a peek at the photograph and grinned widely.

"Oh, those are my old high school nudes," He hummed, amusement evident in his voice as he studied the image depicted on his mobile phone screen.

"Man, I was tiny back then. Don't worry, I swear I'm way bigger now."

"Why would I fucking worry about your dick size?" I choked out, hurriedly throwing his phone back as if the phone casing could potentially burn a rectangular-shaped mark onto my palm.

"Because you know, you might think Jake's tiny too. Because we're identical twins." Nymos shrugged, chuckling. "Don't wanna have Jake hunting me down later for spreading false information about his dick size."

"Kaden, please stop talking."

"So it's your turn to ask a question now, screaming baby."

We've been playing twenty questions for quite a while now, probably passing the limit of twenty long ago.

I thought for a second, chewing contemplatively on my straw before glancing at Nymos.

"Why...Why did you believe Ikari instead of Lex and Jake?" I asked, almost kicking myself for my incapable brain-to-mouth filter because as soon as those words spilled out from my lips. I found myself wanting to swallow back a very single word.

But what happened? There was nothing I could do to redraw the flinch that Nymos reacted with.

"Damn, we're going for the big questions now, huh?" He coughed, and the hand that was not on the steering wheel reached upwards to cup the back of his neck as he laughed awkwardly. I thought that he might have a habit of touching his neck whenever he felt uncomfortable.

I cleared my throat now, looking down at the half-empty contents of my can of coke that I stirred silently with my straw.

"Um, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I mumbled, feeling like I crossed the line with my question.

"No, I'll tell you. It's just a question that people surprisingly haven't bothered to ask me," He replied quietly.

-a year and a half ago-

.

Nymos focus.

.

"Try not to hate me too much for making Lex work overtime on your birthday," Black shadow called over his shoulder as he walked away with a grin forming on his face when he heard me groan behind him.

"It's hard not to, fucker!" I yelled after him, watching the black shadow languidly draping his winter coat over his shoulders.

"But thanks for coming, bro." I grinned, lazily wiping the messily smeared buttercream icing off my cheek.

"We appreciate it."

"Of course, I'll come. You guys are family." He chuckled, walking towards the front door whilst reaching into the pockets of his coat in search of his lighter and the hand-sized box of cigarettes.

I was about to reply warmly back to my friend's statement when I was suddenly interrupted by someone flinging their entire, full weight into my side, throwing their heavy arms around me, and engulfing me whole in an overly tight bear hug.

My attention was immediately cast down on the mess in my arms.

"Kaden, your younger bro wishes you a happy birthday!" Jake exclaimed loudly against my neck as he clutched at my denim jacket. I almost instinctively wrapped my arms around my twin brother and laughed into his dark hair, responding with a muffled. "Happy birthday too, baby bro."

"No, happy birthday to you." Jake persisted in a croak before he started sniffling loudly and just as I had preconceived it, my baby brother broke down completely, sobbing and crying into my shoulder and weakly mumbling something along the lines of.

"Wish mom and dad were here to see us." And. "Fucking hell, aasshole, when did you get such a nice physique?"

Whilst Jake sobbed quietly and distractedly squeezed my left bicep, from his left, I heard Sam groans.

"Oh god, who the hell gave the sad drunk alcohol?"

"I'm not a sad drunk, asshole!" Jake protested tearfully, pulling away from me to glare at Sam through narrowed eyes before returning to my inviting arms and bawling like the sad drunk he is.

"Yeah, yeah, sure you aren't, dick." Sam smiled fondly, rolling his eyes when Jake mumbled a sequence of incomprehensible words directed at him. I, still laughing, comfortingly petted my baby brother's soft hair.

"Babe, come on, you're stifling Kaden." Ikari giggled, coming out from nowhere and resting her hand on Jake's back, patting him comfortingly.

The rather emotional Jake reluctantly shuffled away from me upon hearing Ikari's softly spoken words. But he doesn't let up at all on being a baby because the next thing he was doing, was crushing Ikari in a bear hug.

Making the startled, smaller girl stumble a few precarious steps backward as he tearfully choked out.

"I love you so so so much, Kari, you're the best."

Ikari, in reply, laughed softly, letting her emotional hulk of a boyfriend wrap his arms around her waist and draw her suffocatingly close to his chest.

"Love you." Jake hiccuped, "I love love love love you."

"Mm, I know you do," Is what she hummed to him as she reached up and soothingly ran her perfectly manicured fingers through Jake's tousled, jet-black locks. Glancing upwards, she met my warm eyes and she shivered under my gaze, smiling sweetly at me before mouthing.

"I'm gonna take him to the guest room and let him sleep it off. Is that okay?"

In response, I nodded and smiled gratefully at my baby brother's girlfriend before shifting my attention back onto a disgruntled Sam.

"There's something off about her today," Sam muttered, folding his arms over his chest as he followed Ikari's back with narrowed eyes.

"I mean, there's usually something off about her but today it's maximized a hundred times," Sam explained, flickering his calculative brown eyes onto me. "Hm, just be careful, Nym."

"Bro, you make it seem like she's a witch out to get me specifically." I laughed, shaking my head with disbelief.

"She is one," Sam muttered under his breath.

"Sam, Ikari's not gonna grow warts and green skin overnight and attack me in my sleep, okay? I think that is near impossible so stop worrying. She's a good person come on, you know that, you've seen her with Jake-she loves him with all her heart." I grinned, feeling happy about my baby brother's relationship.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Sam dismissed, relaxing his stance and shooting me a small smile. "Happy birthday, sexy, you've grown well."

"You've grown well and sexy? What the hell does that mean? Are you a simp for me? Lex's going to leak your nudes to the government if she finds out, and Asher is going to get jealous." I laughed, raising an eyebrow at Sam. He just simply smiled knowingly at me before glancing over his shoulder and calling his friend's name. Asher was currently strewn across my and Lex's couch, chugging down the celebratory vodka he had bought for me and Jake as a gift.

"Ash, for god's sake, quit drinking already. I don't wanna have to spend all night holding back your bangs whilst you throw up," Sam groaned out loud as he walked away from me and towards Asher who giggled at Sam, not-so-discreetly tucking the bottle of alcohol behind his back and chugging some more.

I tore my attention off the 'couple' when a small "ding!" emanated from the phone in my palm, indicating that I'd got a notification. Glancing down at my phone, I smiled at the instant heartwarming message sent to me by Lex.

Baby L.

I might've missed out on your birthday party but I'm determined! To! Finish! Hacking this godamn database within an hour so we can celebrate your birthday a little before midnight comes. ;) Save me some birthday cake and alcohol if the dickwhores haven't downed it already!

Baby L.

So see you in an hour! I love you, my dumb idiot. <3

Baby L.

Oh and if Jake's still there at the apartment, tell him I said happy birthday and I love him lots and that his birthday gift's in the back of our wardrobe!

I pocketed my phone, smiling at my petite girlfriend's message. I was still smiling to myself like an idiot when I waved goodbye to an annoyed Sam and his bumbling drunk of a friend or boyfriend, we will never know. I was still smiling when I locked the door after them and moved to my hideously untidy kitchenette, fumbling around with the now-empty takeaway boxes of greasy pizza and the stray, half-melted candles decorating the kitchen countertops.

"Hey, there."

I glanced upwards at the sound of Ikari's greeting, offering her a small smile.

"Is Jake asleep?"

"Mhm," She reassured, "He's off to dreamland and snoring the entire way."

"Yeah?" I chuckled, heading towards the kitchen's bin and dumping the pizza boxes by its side, setting it as a reminder for me to take the trash out tomorrow morning. Remembering her presence I glanced back up at her.

"Oh hey, if you're tired, feel free to stay the night here with Jake. There's no need for you to make the journey back to yours so late at night."

"Thanks." Ikari grinned.

"No worries."

"Oh, and, Kaden, honey? You're not meant to clean up on your birthday," She hummed disapprovingly, shaking her head as she fully walked into the kitchenette's small space, her cream-colored heels click-clacked against the tiled marble floor.

"It's the unwritten rule." She laughingly announced as she strode over to the steel beast of a refrigerator, opening the appliance up and procuring more of Asher's celebratory iced vodka. Her neatly painted, red fingernails encompassed the glass neck of the bottle, its hand waving the said item tauntingly at me.

"I don't think that rule applies to the boyfriend of my beautiful baby Lex," I chuckled to myself, rolling up the sleeves of my thrasher hoodie and dutifully resuming my self-assigned task of cleaning the kitchen.

"Better to clean this all up than have my baby whining my ear off tomorrow."

"Oh, I'm sure Lex could let this pass," Ikari assured, walking towards the kitchen island where I was situated and she leaned against the polished counter.

"Come on birthday boy, I haven't seen you drink at all during the party." Ikari coaxed. Softly, settling the bottle of vodka down on the countertop with a pleasant 'clink'.

In reply, I raised a dark eyebrow at her persistency-to which she fluttered her eyelashes in response, smiling innocently.

"I really shouldn't-"

"Have one sip as least."

I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Just one sip?"

"Just one sip." Ikari agreed, handing me the bottle of alcohol for me to pop open. I did it with a soft sigh before lifting the opened bottle to my lips, tipping my head back, and swallowing more iced alcohol than just a mere sip.

"Thanks, Ari, but I think I should finish up on-"

"Come on, Kaden," Ikari drawled, gazing at me through her lashes, "Don't make me drink all this by myself."

-present-

"Next thing I know I'm in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and my friends and family fucking hate me." I sighed, almost tiredly. I glanced at Mc, "Screaming baby, I never intended to drink that much, and I never intended to do anything with Ikari. That night, I had no fucking clue what I was doing, I wasn't moving off my own accord. The selfish bitch just kept pouring alcohol down my throat until I was so fucked I could barely think."

"For fucks sake, I didn't even realize, she had drugged me and manipulated me into her selfish game. I broke my brother's and Lex's hearts. But the worst thing is she had recorded something when I was unconscious, and she pretended that I was harassing her. She told me everything when visited me in the hospital and told me she'll post the video online if I tell Lex and Jake the truth."

"God she's so fucking disgusting," Mc stated quietly. She looked up at me. "Why haven't you tried to talk with them still?"

"As soon as I was discharged from the hospital, I tried to meet up with Jake and explain what'd happened but he didn't let me speak, didn't even bother opening the door when I went around to his apartment. And then Black shadow who took Lex in didn't allow me to speak to her. All of our friends stopped talking to me after they found out what I 'did' with Ikari. I didn't have anyone apart from fucking Sam who kept staying over at mine. Yeah, he's the only one who knew the truth and kept it to himself when I begged him to. I was an idiot, I should've found a way to tell them. Now they're just hating me."

"You're not an idiot. You were alone and hurt. I knew you weren't the bad guy and Ikari was the bitch in your story."

I looked momentarily startled by her words. I wasn't expecting Mc to believe my words so easily let alone console me.

"And Kaden," Mc mumbled, gnawing on her lower lip, "You didn't give consent. So what Ikari did to you is sexual assault. You, you need to explain this to Jake and-"

.

Mc focus.

.

"I know what she did," Nymos mumbled and I noticed his blunt nails digging into the soft leather of the steering wheel as he spoke softly.

"But I'm not gonna file a complaint because it's kinda unfair, don't you think? Me getting her charged with sexual assault when I've done so much worse? Screaming baby, for god's sake, I once worked for a fucking human trafficking ring when I was eighteen."

Swallowing hard, I looked away from him at that, feeling so fucking angered, disgusted even, by what he just claimed. Looking plenty disgusted himself, Nymos continued speaking with his nails burrowing crescents into the leather of the steering wheel.

"And, I've already thought about explaining it to Jake or Lex but after really thinking it through. I've decided not to tell them because I despise nonconsensual sex, and I don't even remember what I told them that night, yeah. But in a way, I've still cheated on my baby bro and Lex. It's, it's just pointless now to explain my situation back then and try to win them back. It's been a year and I don't want to open the old wound I caused especially to Lex."

I didn't reply to his words and Nymos made no effort in trying to change my response from me. We both sat in the car in heavy silence and air too thick to breathe in without feeling suffocated.

Isa's passive-aggressive growls can't even mask the tension within the car as she was sleeping peacefully in her carrier.

"Do you, do you love her?" I asked quietly.

"Yes," Nymos replied firmly without a second thought.

"Then why aren't you still with her? Why are you not trying to win her back?" I asked simplistically, staring at his side profile as he was driving. "Win her back already and make amends with your friends."

"It's-" Nymos sighed, "It's not that easy, screaming baby."

"You make it sound like Lex is nothing to you anymore. But she's indeed your life support." I turned away, mumbling, "Maybe she's mad and hurt but I know that she loves you too, she even trusted you with her pup."

Nymos didn't say anything for a few seconds and again, I didn't press him for a response. I rested my head against the headrest of my seat and stared out of my window at the scenery flitting by until Nymos spoke up.

"... I know that she loves me. But I am bad for her." Nymos murmured, not looking at me but keeping his eyes on the road ahead. "That's why I keep my distance from her. I pretend to be playful and we end up having one-night stands and all. I'd rather suffer instead of hurt her."

Furrowing my brows, I swiveled my head to face Nymos.

"What?

He sighed.

"I'm not a good person, screaming baby. I'm a bad guy, and bad guys never get the good things they don't deserve it. It's practically a written rule that they should never get the girl, or in this case, Lex. They don't get good friends or a nice, easy life. I don't deserve to have Jake or Lex, I deserve nothing, of course, I try to stick by them but-. Do you..." He exhaled tiredly, "Do you get what I'm trying to say?"

I narrowed my eyes at him.

"That has got to be the most idiotic ideology I've ever heard in my entire life."

Nymos frowned at my strong words.

"Screaming baby, I-"

"Yeah, you're a bad guy. But so is Jake. He does bad things for a living, but that doesn't stop me from loving him, does it? Kaden," I exhaled, "Love has no bounds." I started almost fiercely. "Just because you're bad, it doesn't mean you can't love and be loved."

He didn't say anything in response.

The two of us were quiet after that. He was driving silently and I was resting my elbow on the ledge of the window, cupping my palm and staring past the glass. The radio was still on, playing so softly that it was not soon before it lulled me to sleep.

.

Nymos focus.

.

I noticed her head tilting forwards and jerking back suddenly with her bleary eyes blinking in bewilderment at her surroundings before closing once more.

"Screaming baby, if you wanna lie down, you can sleep in the back with the rabid bitch." I suggested.

"I'm okay," It was what Mc replied softly but made no movement to climb into the back. I quirked an eyebrow at this but let her doze off, not bothering to wake her up.

Five minutes later, whilst in traffic, I reached into the back for my denim jacket that lied across the seats and picked it up, balling the item into a makeshift pillow for Mc to use. Unbuckling my seat belt, I leaned over to cup Mc's cheek, lifting her head slightly to shuffle my denim jacket under before letting her go.

I smiled when I noticed Mc cozying up to my makeshift pillow. Drawing the seatbelt over myself, I turned away, still smiling.

"Thanks screaming baby. Thanks for believing me." I murmured.

Isa decided to wake up at that moment, immediately starting her bout of incessant growling. I rolled my eyes and replied to her.

"Oh, fuck off."

.

Mc focus.

.

I stirred in my sleep at loud laughter coming from my left, the sound of persistently loud chatter made me reluctantly open my eyes and blearily study my surroundings.

Isa yippee excitedly behind me, causing me to tear my gaze away from the denim jacket sitting on my lap as a crumpled mess, at Isa's little barks. I looked over my shoulder to see the small pup looking up at me expectantly, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth.

I was surprised, to say the least when she started whining, nudging at the latch of her pet carrier dejectedly-so dejectedly, it pulled at my heartstrings and I immediately found myself reaching for the latch. I stopped myself short though, remembering this morning when she looked like she wanted to dismember me.

Isa whined again making me feel conflicted.

"Please don't bite my fingers off." I finally said, sighing before reaching for the pet carrier with shaky hands, unlatching it slowly, and allowing the pup to gingerly nose the front open. Delighted, she barked in what presumed its joy. Cute.

"Hey," I peered to my right when I heard Nymos by the car door opening. I sleepily watched him slide into the driver's seat, a packet of strawberry laces in his hand which he soon proffered to me.

Still half-asleep, I took the packet and simply held it in my hand, yawning.

"Are we nearly at my angry bird place?" I murmured, finally looking out of the window to see that we were currently parked at a busy petrol station and the cacophony that had woken me up and the smell of petrol that I now wrinkled my nose at. I wasn't one of those people who liked the smell of petrol.

"Yeah, we'll be at his in around thirty minutes." He hummed nonchalantly.

I, suddenly awakened, swiveling my head around to face Nymos with my eyes widened and jaw slackened with surprise.

"What? Thirty minutes?"

"Yeah, it's-"

Isa barked at Nymos. He glanced at the pup through the rearview mirror and immediately sharply inhaled at the sight of her proudly parading around atop the backseats of his car.

"Who the hell let the rabid bitch out?"

"I did," I muttered, distracted with tearing open my packet of strawberry laces, "She looked sad."

"Oh god, oh god, don't make eye contact with her," Nymos told to himself, "Don't make eye contact. Making eye contact with her is like challenging her to pee all over the seats. Or worse she's gonna claw the leather upholstery apart-"

"She seems sorta sweet," I said, chewing on a strawberry lace. "Come here, isa," I said, setting my gifted confectionary down on my lap and reaching carefully for the elated ball of caramel-colored fluff that practically jumped into my arms.

Giggling, I pulled her close to my chest before turning around to beam at scared Nymos.

"Fuck, screaming baby. She turned you over to the dark side-"

I burrowed my cheek against her soft fur and rolled my eyes at his words.

"Oh, don't be dramatic, Kaden."

Isa glanced up then and Nymos could swear the puppy was smirking at him.

Thirty minutes passed by in a flash.

Panicked I scarf down my strawberry laces, hurriedly shoveling them into my mouth and only slightly choking on them. I dismissed the concerned expression Nymos was wearing on his face when he glances over at me.

I climbed haphazardly into the back, taking isa with me and settling in the back seats with her. Nymos frowned at me through the rearview mirror, wordlessly questioning my actions with furrowed brows.

Completely oblivious to his quizzical eyes on me. I set isa on the leather seat beside me and once she was comfortable, I moved quickly to work on my appearance. I re-tucked my white tee back under the waistband of my jeans, throwing it atop the striped sweater I'd taken off earlier when it got too stuffy in the car, and carefully retied the laces of my sneakers.

I felt a little shy though when I unzipped my backpack and draw out my small vanity bag-feeling a tad bit self-conscious about the possibility of Nymos playfully teasing me for trying to look my best for Jake. But all Nymos said when I applied my moisturizing face cream was.

"Damn, that smells like fucking roses."

I smiled at his words.

Satisfied with my efforts, I climbed back into the passenger seat, not bothering to take isa this time as she was too busy gnawing away at one of the seatbelts much to Nymos' chagrin.

I draw my seatbelt over my chest, settling against the leather upholstery and sigh softly as my lidded eyes study the slow sunset taking place outside, the grey winter sky now consumed with soft pinks and delicate purples that had me smiling subconsciously.

"Excited?" Nymos asked, smiling.

"Mhm. Nervous too."

"I'm excited too," Nymos grinned. "I don't have to deal with you and Jake moping around me anymore."

"Oh, shut up," I laughed. "I know you've enjoyed this."

"I have, I have." Nymos agreed, chuckling.

I started biting my nails distractedly, staring at the sunset absconding behind silhouetted skyscrapers that tower overhead, resembling large, black, ugly shapes. I swallowed nervously.

Nauseating nerves overwhelmed me, easily outweighed my excitement from before.

I feared I was going to throw up. There are two minutes left.

There is one-

"Alright, we're here."

"What?" I choked out, straightening up in my seat and watching Nymos unbuckle his seatbelt with a grin on his face.

Busy with overthinking the idea of Jake casting me away with a look of distaste and a new partner on his arm, I hadn't even realized Nymos had pulled up to a six-story apartment that exuded the amount of wealth invested into the building.

What was stunning about the apartment was its sleek, smoked glass that covered a good two-thirds of the entirety of the building, the glass easily reflecting the city's bright lights and creating a kaleidoscopic effect of a thousand differently colored lights playing on the glass.

"Oh fuck," I cursed, turning away to face Nymos who already had opened his car door, slipping out without a word to me.

Panicking, I hurriedly opened my door and stumbled out, swearing under my breath when I nearly tripped over my own feet.

"Fuck, fuck. Kaden, I can't do this." I breathed, locking eyes with Nymos over the roof of the car.

"Yes, you can, screaming baby," Nymos replied, leaving his car door slightly to check on isa.

"But, I- Wait! How do I punch someone?"

Nymos quirked an unimpressed eyebrow at me.

"Is this necessary to know right now?"

"I swear this is necessary." I quickly said, resulting in Nymos. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Make a fist like this- Not with your thumb tucked away, okay? Because, like  I don't know? Some bad shit could happen to your thumb?" Nymos sighed sounding resigned.

"Screaming baby, you really shouldn't ask me this since I've dislocated my thumbs, fractured my hands, and bruised up my fingers way too many times to count."

I was oblivious to his warning and only focused on balling my hand into a fist like how he had demonstrated it. Nymos rolled his eyes at this.

"Alright. You practice, making a fist while I call up Jake and make sure he's at home."

"Wait, what?" I halted my ministrations, frowning at Nymos. "You drove us out here and you don't even know if he's at home??"

"He will be, he will be. Don't worry."

.

Jake focus.

.

I regretted not bringing my leather jacket with me to the convenience store opposite my apartment complex. Because now I was shivering in the winter weather, my nose and cheeks colored a soft red courtesy of the wind.

I sighed at my stupidity, lifting my lit cigarette to my mouth, inhaling the grey tendrils that creep down my throat and burn in its wake, at least now I had my cheap cigarettes to warm me.

Exhaling softly, I crossed the road, haphazardly. Ignoring the angered drivers I left behind, pressing their horns aggressively and spitting harsh insults in my direction. I didn't bother replying, just lifted my cigarette to my mouth and breathed in its dangerous fumes, continuing walking.

I was in one of those moods. One where you're oblivious not passive to almost everything. You just don't care about anything. I didn't care for the winter weather biting my fingertips numb. I didn't care for reporting that twelve-year-old kid who stole a packet of strawberry-flavored bubble gum. I didn't care what brand of cigarettes I wanted to smoke. I didn't care now for the crude words a middle-aged man threw at me from his cruddy-looking ford fiesta.

I continued walking, walking down the pavement towards my apartment complex, smoking my cigarette distracted. However soon I was broken away from the trance I seemed to have fallen into when my phone vibrated quietly in my pocket.

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I swiped a thumb over the damaged screen. Courtesy of when I was in one of those moods, angry, frustrated, and desperately needing an outlet to vent my rage into. I placed my phone against my ear, listening and smoking.

"Hey, bro? Are you at home right now?"

Nymos said at once, almost excitedly. Rolling my eyes at the realization that Nymos was calling me. I sighed, replying with.

"Why do you wanna know? Are you coming over again with another one of your shitty mixtapes?"

"Shitty? Excuse me, you fucking love that mixtape, and no. Unfortunately for you, I'm not here with another one of those mixtapes."

"Then why the fuck are you coming over?" I grunted, stepping into the private parking lot allocated beside my apartment complex, walking past parked cars, and smoking.

"Wow, I'm hurt. Can I not visit my favorite brother without an ulterior motive?"

"First of all, you only have one brother, fuckass."

"And that's you! What a lucky boy."

"Kaden, I'm not in the mood to deal with you today so-"

"But I brought you something!"

"If it's not food, you're not coming in."

"Well... I guess you could consider it to be food."

"What the fuck does that mean?" I snorted.

"Because you could eat her between her le-Ow! What the fuck, screaming baby?"

I frowned, hearing indistinct, angry muttering over the phone but waited impatiently for Nymos to return to our conversation. Whilst waiting, I placed my cigarette between my lips, using my now free hand to run it through my tousled hair. Contemplating distractedly whether or not I should cut my overgrown mess of hair.

"Sorry, so sorry about that." Nymos wheezed, sounding ready to burst into a bout of laughter. I raised an unimpressed eyebrow despite him not being able to see me.

"Kaden, if you've seriously bought me a prostitute, I'm gonna-"

"Hahahaha, he thinks you're a prostitute-Ow! Fuck! Screaming baby quit it!" More angry muttering ensued, causing me to sigh. I was tired already of this conversation.

"Kaden, I'm hanging up."

"No, bro wait! I gotta- Hey, is that you?"

"Huh?" I frowned, glancing at my surroundings but I was utterly unable to identify if there was anyone around what with the weak, artificial light of the streetlamps limiting my sight to only my nearby surroundings.

"Shit, hold on." With that, Nymos hung up abruptly, without another word.

Furrowing my brow at the rather crude conversation I just had with my twin brother, I slid my phone back into my jeans pocket and with a sigh, I dropped my cigarette to the cemented ground below, purposefully crushing the cigarette to a stub underfoot.

I walked my way towards the entrance of my apartment, praying that there wasn't a- God save Nymos if more than one prostitute was warming my bed for tonight.

Shaking my head at the rather absurd thought, I was about to climb up the few steps leading up to the entrance of the building when someone timidly tapped me on the back, causing me to glance over my shoulder and- And abruptly get hit in the face by a fist.

Somewhere to the far left of me, I swore I could hear Nymos choke out an

"Oh, shit!"

Almost at once, pain pulsated throughout my nose, causing me to cry out, alarmed. Stumbling back and nearly tripping on the steps behind me, instinctively, my hands fly to my face, protectively cupping my nose, seething with both blinding pain and rage.

Who the hell dares to attack someone from behind? A coward, that's who.

My eyes blazed with fury, I looked upwards with pure anger thrumming through my veins, looking ready to swing my fist at my attacker when-

"Mc?" I breathed, with my eyes widening.

Mc fucking Estrada was standing a couple of steps before me with her tiny balled-up hands trembling by her sides, her shoulders were shaking with sobs she failed to suppress and her eyes were shiny with tears. That fell steadfastly down her cheeks, staining them. My breath instantaneously got caught in my throat.

"M-Mc? What-What the?" I choked out, all of sudden incapable of making eligible sentences for myself. Out of shock, my hands fell from my face, causing Mc tearfully wince at my now bloodied nose.

"Y-you! You were supposed to come back for me, you asshole!" Mc cried out, "Y-you were supposed to come back! I waited so many months for you!"

"Mc, fuck. Mc, I'm so- I'm so sorry." I breathed with tears prickling my eyes, "I'm so sorry for leaving you alone. I- fuck, I'm sorry. So sorry, baby."

Mc cried harder at my words, stumbling blindly towards me and reaching out for me. Her hands found purchase on my white tee and used her grasp on the soft cotton. Mc drew herself into my inviting arms. I wrapped my arms around her almost instinctively.

Now, I almost sobbed when I ducked my head slightly, burying my face in the junction of Mc's shoulder and inhaling vanilla and freshly washed cotton sheets. A scent I've missed sorely over these past few months.

"Fuck, baby. I missed you so much." I croaked out with tears falling freely from my eyes.

"I missed you too, angry bird."

I can't tell if I was laughing or crying at her words but I pulled away from her neck a little reluctantly though and lifted a hand to Mc's cheek. Cradling my face when I caught her tears with my thumb.

"Sorry for punching you on the nose." Mc breathed out shakily, her eyes flickered downwards with evident embarrassment on her face.

I chuckled softly in reply, tilting Mc's chin upwards so I could meet her gaze.

"It's okay, baby. I deserved it."

"Hmm," Mc nestled her head against my neck, finding relief in my touch and the slight warmth I emanated. I murmured something softly in her ear and noticed in the corner of my eye, Nymos leaning against the side of his car with arms folded over his chest and smiling at the two fondly.

I had caught his eye and mouthed a "Thank you. Thank you so much." To him. He simply chuckled to himself, shaking his head slightly when Mc started crying again.

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

[miaoie]

entry 01 - 230506

addressed to you

Hey there, my solace.

I'm really grateful for the conversation we had last night. I feel a lot better now. I feel like I am finally ready to move on and be genuinely happy for you, because I wasn't able to do that. I don't even know why, but I couldn't bring myself to be happy for you because although you have given me everything you could give that time, I still felt like you were depriving me of something; a closure. I couldn't do that before. I held a grudge. It felt like it was so sudden and rushed. I didn't like how it ended. I feel like I was still hanging in midair when you raised me up so high and mighty; and when you decided to end it, I couldn't get back down safely.

It took me what felt like almost half a year to finally realize that the only one who could get me down safely is the one who put me high in the first place. It sucks seeing how dependent I am towards you even without being part of each other's life. It's weird.

Now that we've had what I could say was the most awaited conversation, I feel like I'm ready to move on. If we ever become friends again during research, go. If we ever become classmates again, go. If we ever meet in upd, go.  Whatever it is that the circumstances decide for us, go. If anything, I actually want you back in my life as whatever, but that's not happening anytime soon because I don't think I can, so I'm gonna leave it to fate and the universe.

'Til the next time, friend. Do great things okay?  

- weeyuh

That day, May 6th, was the scheduled date for the release of my test permit for UPCAT; the most popular college entrance exam in my country. UP or University of the Philippines is like the biggest and the most prestigious state university in my country with, I think, second quality education next to ADMU. Which is why applicants this year reached over 100,000 countrywide. 

Personally, UP wasn't on my list. I was actually aiming for Ateneo or Letran, but since this year was the schedule of UPCAT for my batch, I also took the chance 'cause why not? My best friend, Sofia Anne, was actually the one who persuaded me. Probably because UP is her dream university.  If I remember it correctly, she has been working on her academic performance to pursue the Doctor of Veterinary Medicine program in UP ever since. She told me that I should try and take the opportunity, and so I did. I submitted my Form 1 on the official website of the UP admissions and finally got my schedule for the test permit. May 6th. 

The two days before that were actually interesting. I remember crying on the night of May 4th because I was reminded of that conversation we had about pasta. You learned that I don't eat carbonara, and so you kind of crossed that out of the list of dishes you said you were going to cook for me. I was crying that night because I finally changed my mind about carbonara. I like it now and regardless, I won't get to taste your recipe. I was sad because it felt like I was changing, turning into someone you don't know anymore. That change kind of scared me because from strangers with memories, we'd just be only strangers when that happens. 

Weeks before that night, I was relapsing countless times. I couldn't stop myself from crying and hurting about the thought of you still caring about me when I have over-villainized you post-breakup. I learned through Sean that you miss our circle of friends, and that you have accepted whatever it is that I'll put you through. You understood that you've hurt me and validated me. That thought bothered me because I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction, but knowing you, it makes sense. I pitied myself during those relapses and made a deal with myself that if I ever relapse again, I will finally approach you for closure. I did.

I messaged you 6 paragraphs of all of my questions, pain, anger, confusion, and whatever else included on May 5th at 3 in the morning. Then, I slept. I woke up at 7am that morning. I only had 4 hours of sleep, but it felt like enough. I checked my phone and saw that you've sent your reply. I clicked on it and although my eyes weren't fully awake, I was able to comprehend what you said. You said you were sorry. You explained it really well how you really didn't mean to hurt me, how you admitted that you were selfish and insensitive that time, and how those gestures you did were with pure love and intention and not a cover-up or a compensation of what you were about to do. I cried. I cried at the thought of you loving me truly. It hurt me more how we couldn't be together because of your sexual preference and made me angry at the universe for letting this happen. All in all, I guess at least I experienced my happiest and my most loved moments with you.

After that day, it was finally the release of my test permit. At that point, I've re-read your message almost ten times already. I was making sure I was comprehending it correctly; I was, thankfully. I finally accepted it. I have finally accepted what the circumstances decide for us because I remember you saying you want to pursue Chemical Engineering in UP and if I'm not mistaken, that program is available in Diliman Campus. It occurred to me that there might be a possibility that we'd meet there in UPD because that campus offers my dream program which is Psychology. And if that's what fate plans for us, go. 

I was facing the day like the new version of myself. I saw the journey to UPD as an opportunity to change my perspective and finally heal; 'soul cleansing'. It was like my vacation in Boracay back in 2022 where I went through new experiences that old me wouldn't be able to survive. I don't know why but roaming around unfamiliar yet safe places gives me clarity. And since I'm not yet familiar with commuting from Pacita to Quezon City, I was able to convince Pia to accompany me.  

The bus trip from Pacita to Taft took about 30-45 mins. It was like an accidental catch-up with Pia because we were both busy with me on research and her on both research and review center. I remember her telling something about how chaotic her day was with our other friends when it was their turn to claim their test permit in UPD. They then went straight to MOA and tried the extreme rides there. I could see that they really enjoyed the day because when she was telling me about it, she was talking in high pitch and at a pace that you'd need multiple breaths. It was fun. They had fun and I could see that. 

"'Yung closure lang 'yung interesting na nangyari sakin kahapon eh," I told her when she paused her story because we were about to get on the train. As soon as I uttered those words, I could already tell that she was interested. She has been the goat, the witness of my ups and downs including that relationship with you. She witnessed every cry, every 'ang sakit', every 'miss ko na s'ya'  , every 'bakit kasi ganun?' from me. She knew how important this was for me.  

"Mamaya mo ikwento sa picnic para sulit," she said as the train stopped in front of us. We boarded. We took LRT1, MRT, and LRT2 'til we reached the jeep terminal that goes straight inside the heart of UPD.  

During our jeepney ride, a thought came to me and told Pia about it. "Siguro, kung 'di kami natapos, kaming tatlo ni Marco at Jat magkasama ngayon. I prolly wouldn't be here with you," I said. I mentioned your best friend because I got the knowledge that we have the same schedule. The thought of us going to UPD together just randomly popped into my head. The closure was still fresh, that's why my mind just wandered off on the thought of you.  

After a few minutes, we finally reached the admissions building of UPD. This was it—the reason behind my journey to UPD, Quezon City—the UP office of admissions. I went to the queue that led to the inside of the building. Pia left me alone and headed for the waiting area since companies weren't allowed inside. I was honestly impressed by the process because it was well-organized in a circular manner. I went into the backside of the building, and got out in front. It was also an easy and quick process. I didn't wait too long for my permit. After a few minutes, my name got called, and I was able to claim my permit that fast. 

 Once I exited the building, I was looking around for Pia. I wasn't able to understand her when she told me where she was going to stay to wait for me. So I looked around in search of a tall skinny wolf cut-haired woman with glasses. I was kind of panicking that I didn't see her anywhere, so I checked my phone and tried to contact her. I forgot to take notice of the poor signal there in UPD, so I put down my phone and once again looked around. What I wasn't expecting to find was you. 

There you were, I found you. I found you, Rian, and Jat. You were exactly in the situation I told Pia in our jeepney ride. I actually couldn't believe this happened.  You pointed at me. Why the heck would you point at me? Jat, then, took notice of my presence. You three all waved at me. I waved back embarrassingly. Fuck, I need to get out of here. Pia, nasaan ka na ba? I thought when I immediately panged my attention to my phone after our tiny exchange. When I looked up at your direction, I saw you whispering to yourselves and began to walk closer. FUUUCKKK!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! STAY BACK!! My mind started going into frantic mode. I didn't know how to fucking act. We just talked last night—LAST NIGHT! I still have to work on myself. I still have to be okay with whatever it is that will get us to interact someday. I still have to accept what's now and change my whole perspective on us. Fuck, I wasn't ready to face you after the conversation we had last night. Fuck!!! When you all started getting closer, I began to walk as well. 

I headed for the start of the queue in hopes of the sight of Pia. Then, I was approached by kids who were looking for the owner of the lost flask they found. I told them I didn't know and I didn't lose one. If I did, they sure weren't the right guys who found it because the flask they were holding was yellowish gold in color while mine was dark blue with stickers all over it. When they started to head for the direction I was facing to ask another soon-to-be upcat taker, Pia called out my name.

I was so fucking relieved that I heard her voice. I turned around and headed towards her direction. Then to my hyperbolic horror, I saw you three again walking towards my direction. Oh my effing gosh! There really isn't a way to avoid you, is there? I bowed my head down when y'all were getting close. When we got to a really close proximity, only Jat waved at me once again and exchanged a 'hi' with me.

After that exchange, I immediately ran to Pia. "Gagi, andito sina Marco. Nakita mo ba?" I informed her. She told me no, and asked about what happened. I told her about the whole interaction, what I felt, and what I thought about it in consideration of the random what-if scenario I told her about during our jeepney ride. What the fuck just happened? 

We then headed to the picnic spot she was telling me about. I then prepared the mantel and lunch I brought. We had our Saturday classes there. Although there are a lot of things I could focus on that day, my mind kept bringing me back to what happened earlier—you. I spent my whole afternoon thinking why it happened, what its purpose was, & what lesson was it trying to teach me. I couldn't stop myself telling Pia every single little thought that popped into my head related to that interaction that day.

I couldn't believe that my tweet came true that if we ever meet in upd, I'll let it happen. Oh my gosh though, why must it happen so fast? I'm still so confused. Destiny is a funny thing and that day, it felt like I was the butt of its joke. 

I think that's all you need to know about what had happened to me that day. I'm curious about yours too, but don't tell me about it. I don't need to know. 

[boloorsportsmania]

Diamond jubilee lady hits the BULLSEYE 🙂

Just as my mom Smt. Sanjeevini Rao turns 75 tomorrow ,here are 7 special moments which makes me feel proud of her. I call her The Iron Lady for these very special qualities. A gritty , focused and tough lady had a very special 70 years. Along with these special achievements, her biggest victory is how she battled Lymphoma Cancer. She braved through 6 full chemo treatment to fight the cancer. Having will power, dedication and focus to get through cancer with a positive attitude is not everyone's cup of tea. Hat's off mom. Keep rocking!!!Just as photo describes, she has hit BULLSEYE in this aspect .

Moment 1 : Period 1984. Place Bhadravathi. Dad was in transferable job as he had moved to marketing role. We got transferred from Bangalore to Bhadravathi. Me and Seema joined St Charles school. Mom and Dad were curious to see how we would fare in school considering change of school is not always easy to adapt. I was in 2nd standard and Seema in 5th standard. St Charles was a very competitive school with loads of bright students. In mid term exams, we did well. Results were to be announced after festival holiday break. Mom had put in a great effort to get me accustomed to new syllabus and new school. St Charles had a tradition of announcing top 3 ranks of each class in morning assembly. This was to encourage the students. I was literally chatting my friend Ashit during the assembly when all of a sudden something shocking happened. They announced my name for 2nd rank. In our class, we had 2 students by my name. They had not announced initials. They again announced my name with Boloor tag to it. I was shocked more than surprised. My hands were almost trembling when I ran towards the stage. I had shock expression in my face even when I received marks card from principal. Seema also came 2nd in class in that exams. Mom was thrilled . Dad was even more as he felt a bit guilty of being transferred to Bhadravathi. He literally picked me and threw into the air. My head almost touched the roof the hall in the house. Well, fun just started here. Seema was always a student who would excel consistently. I was like Ravi Shastri, happy in hitting a few sixes and then get out of form 😉 In Nov exams, my rank dipped to 10th and in Dec exams to 23rd. During this period, my aunt Sharath was in Bhadravathi. As soon as I showed my marks card to mom, lecture started as expected from mom. I expected that as her oratory skills was like legendary Indira Gandhi. Hard hitting words with spot on points. I had my face covered in hands as I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. She made a comment “ Your marks has fallen off the mountain, from the peak to the bottom. In next exam, I guess you would dig the ground and go further down !!”. Sharath aunty felt bad and tried to calm mom. I started getting a bit nervous. Things calmed post that. The way she expressed her opinion, I know she was more hurt that I scored less marks. Mom then didn’t say a thing for a week. She then prepared a daily time table of what to read. Seema on the other hand had secured first rank in both the exams. Mom never pressurized me by comparing to Seema. She knew both are of different mould. In today’s sporting world, She was Virat Kohli and I was a mere Rishab Pant with a few sixes here and there. I put in loads of effort post that. I managed to get 5th rank in final exams. This was my first face off with mom’s anger. I can relate to this anger even now. I am a bit tempered. Beneath anger, I knew she wanted me to do the best.

Moment 2 : A couple of years later, mom felt the need to work as it would improve the financial state of the house. She was always fond of teaching. She had done B.Sc in Maths and was even a rank holder. She decided to pursue B.Ed which would open up teacher roles for her. Unfortunately, there was no college in Bhadravathi which had this course. She enrolled into a college in Shimoga which was about 1 hour drive from Bhadravathi those days. So at the age of 38, she decided to do B.ED which was remarkable since she had to do on top of normal household work. She would get up at 5 AM, get household work done, then leave to Shimoga at 7 AM. She would return by 5 PM. She would have some assignments too. She would help me in my homework as well. This routine would go for 1 full year. It needed a lot of guts and determination to do this. By the time, she completed her B.Ed, dad came to home with news of being transferred again. Mom had the expression in her face which would say “ When one challenge is completed, other follows like a shadow!!”. We moved to Bangalore again !!!.

Moment 3 : Period 1988 to 1990. This was a phase we led a rapid life. I was super happy as our house was right in front of massive APS college ground. Mom happen to be teacher of the same school where Seema studied. Infact, she was Maths teacher of Seema for 9th and 10th standard. I was busy playing. The moment I return from school, I would rush to the ground. Mom and Seema would return from school together. This was period where Seema would win loads of awards. Mom was super proud of her. She won 2nd price in Hindi debate competition for whole of Karnataka which was splendid achievement. She won loads of awards in school competitions too. 2 moments brought maximum happiness to Mom during this phase. One was Seema winning Hindi debate competition and another was me winning 3rd prize in science exhibition. I enrolled my name at the last moment and didn’t have any idea what to present. Mom gave the idea of liquids getting heated faster than solid. Example was simple. Have a stand to place a cardboard box. Fill the box with water. Place a candle under the box with enough distance between them. Its observed that water catches fire faster than cardboard box. Mom gave me explanation points around it too which revolved around some molecular theory. I memorized it well as I had a knack of doing it. Judges were some college professors. 70 students had participated in it. Judges heard each student’s explanation. There were some interesting ones too like volcanic effect by my classmate Niranjan. I explained my part well. My only worry was that I had just 2 cardboard boxes. I had to use it smartly. I had to start the experiment just a few minutes before judges came to my seat. I did that well. Judges were impressed. I felt relieved. Post lunch, one of the teachers came and made 2 announcements. One was that parents and teachers would come around to see the displays between 3-5 PM IST. 2nd was the 3 winners. I was shocked more than surprised when they announced my name as 3rd place winner. It made my day. Mom couldn’t come to watch my experiment since she would return from school only 430 PM. I had a bigger issue in hand. I didn’t have any cardboard box left. I went around sweet shop near my house. He spared me 4 old boxes without charging a penny. We would constantly buy veg puff there. So he knew me well. Post 5 PM, I ran to house to announce my results. Mom was super happy. She couldn’t control her wide smile. She and Seema came for prize distribution later too. Actor Srinath was the chief guest that year. It was cool to receive the prize from him. Mom made science and Maths simple for me which helped a great deal in later years to come.

Moment 4 : In 1990, we got transferred again. This time to Madras. It took ages to get settled in the TN capital. I used to call it MAAADDDras with specific emphasis on Mad. I made good friends though but life style was so different. In school too, focus was all on studies. In the school I studied, there was no sports period as well. That’s when we as a family got really close. We literally became friends for each other. To top the pain, our TV had gone to maker’s factory for insurance claim. For 6 months we didn’t have TV. I literally followed 1990 world cup soccer on news paper only. Due to this, we had loads of time though. We used to go for long walks post dinner. We used to live in Ashoknagar which was really a good place. Mom got her job in school pretty fast. She directly approached principal of Jawahar Vidyalaya. They had a post open at that time. Her career really picked up from there. In initial years of tough life in Chennai, mom held us together. This was very critical since we led next 10 years of life in Madras.

Moment 5 : I had a crazy way of studying for my exams. I liked to read while walking. I walked around the house as if it is a temple. This is not just it. I had to have TV on with some sports channel on. I would constantly focus on scores as and when I come in front of TV. When I study, others don’t get to watch TV !! . Mom somehow managed to bear my crazy style of studying. The pace at which I would walk would increase as and when I get further in studies. Infact, I even studied Maths like this. I studied Maths also mentally rather than practicing it. During engineering days, books would get heavy. So I would tear books into 3-4 parts !!! Any other mother would lock their kid in a room and make them study if they study in such a idiotic way. She always smiled when I walked with an expression “ You are one unique specimen !!! “ . She kept saying to his students who came to tuition though that this is exactly NOT the way to study !!! 😊 . What she couldn’t say to me she said to her students. Speaking of making your point in a unique way !!

Moment 6 : I had met with a major accident 2 months before my XII board exams. I was bed ridden for almost 2-3 weeks. It was critical phase for XII as all revision exams and tuitions was scheduled during that phase. Any other parent would have panicked. But mom being mom, she just told me to give it all once I am fine. She did sound a bit nervous though. Mom and dad didn’t want to make me nervous though. Once I recovered, I just had a little more 4 weeks left for exams to start. I decided not to go final revision as well as that would reduce time for preparation for final exams. Though it was a bold move, mom felt that would be the best as well. I prepared a strict timetable. In X board exams even though I did well, I just managed to score 80% marks. Any such dip would make dad’s life difficult as management engineer quota was expensive. I just put my mind out of all this and just focused on studies. I still watched TV and still walked around the house though !!!. I did reasonably well in exams. When the day came for the marks to come, mom decided to stay back home and took off from school. She was a bit nervous but didn’t show it. My marks was like Bulls eye for engineering seat. I got 96.5% in PCM which mattered. I just got 85% in rest. But that was enough. Infact, I was topper in the class in PCM% which was a shocker for me. Had mom not given the freedom to study the way I did, I would not have fared so well. It mattered a lot as management quota seat would cost 40-50K per year but free seat would just cost 6.5K per year. I managed to get the later. Dad was so thrilled that he too came back from office earlier than scheduled with a box of sweets. I finally had a moment which made mom and dad proud and I was proud of it !!!

Moment 7 : Well, this has got to be Singapore trip . Mom, dad, Seema and Sanjay came to Singapore when I was posted there for an onsite assignment. We really had good time there. Mom had a wish to visit a foreign country and she was smiling all through the trip.

Cheers to Mom for her “ Never say die “ spirit. Though there were few moments where our thoughts didn’t match , it was negligible when compared to the respect we have for each other. Mom rocks at 75 !!! Many cheers to the IRON Lady who turns 75 tomorrow !!!!

[hisadoringkitten]

It's been 1 month today since I offered myself to you...

I never realized quite how impressive you are until I was yours. I mean, I knew you were sexy, that you did a lot professionally, that we had a lot in common, and that our wants and needs and interests were near perfectly aligned. I knew we were a great match. I did not know how deeply insightful and thoughtful you would be when it came to my personal development. I was not prepared for the level of control you would exert in my life, and I could not be happier for it.

I have grown more as a person in the last month than I have in years, and it's all thanks to you. So much of it is stupid little things like having my own bank account, making my own decision about how my tax return is spent, or saying no to unwanted physical affection... things I should have had all along. You have not yet asked anything of me that was even particularly difficult in that regard. You've taught me so much about myself and what I'm capable of, how to look critically at my life, and how to solve the problems I find when I do.

Today, you gave me a crash course on the stock market and making small investments. I probably never would have asked, but you're making your moves to improve my life and quality of living every day. Your guidance is a big part of your love language, and it's unlike anything I've ever could have dreamed. You are fixing my life, my insecurities, my mental health, my career, my social life... simultaneously. You're even giving me parenting advice when I get overwhelmed with the kids. Under your care and guidance, I can't wait to see what my life looks like in a year, in 5...

Yesterday morning was so hard with you leaving after our first date, but then, you talked me through every bit of it. You navigate my fears and turmoil with an ease and logic that... I can't help but admire. Even upset and scared and way in my own head, crying on the phone to you, you eased every fear, talked me through it all, and made me feel so much better. Could you be more perfect?

So thank you Sir, for all of the help and care and time you've poured into me. I was not prepared for you to amaze me like you do, and I cannot wait for more.

[annieintheaair]

Oh God, don't take these beautiful things that I've got

Healing can take a really long time. They say that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. When Dan and I broke up the final time, I didn't even consider dating for years. I focused on my career and where I might want to live and didn't think twice about the fact that I wasn't dating at all. I didn't even try to meet people. It was during that time that I became this truly independent, strong person. I realized that I would never be with anyone unless they were adding to my life because I was perfectly content on my own, and I still am.

Even though I moved on with my life, I never fully got over Dan until I moved to Boston. On Presidents Day, 2013, I got a Zipcar and drove to Wrentham to do some shopping at my favorite outlets. Wrentham isn't that far from Providence so Dan had texted me all day asking to meet up. I debated it, literally all day. Eventually, I gave in and drove down and met up with him. He ended up coming back to Boston with me for the night. When it was time to lie down and go to sleep, his phone rang, and he answered it. The girl he left me for, Lindsay, was on the phone. I didn't really know for sure until then that they were together and listening to him on the phone with her made me shut down completely. I might not remember it with 100% accuracy because it was such an awful night that I tried to forget it but I think he hung up saying, "Goodnight. I love you" and that's when I realized that love was a lie.

I refused to talk to him anymore that night. We went to sleep and he left the next day. I never saw him again until right before Thanksgiving 2019 when I was in Providence on a layover for work. We spent the day walking around in the cold city, eating breakfast at our favorite spot, Brickway, strolling the mall, seeing a movie (we saw Last Christmas, which if you've seen it, is a little ironic that that was the last movie we ever saw together), and just talking. I remember seeing him that morning when he arrived and he was wearing baggy clothes and looked like a mess. It turned me off. I thought, "I'm totally over this guy."

When the day was over and it was raining, Dan asked if he could stay for a bit and come watch a movie with me in my hotel room. I told him no and sent him away. When he left, he messaged me that he wished I would have let him stay. He always had such a grip on my heart that I felt bad telling him no and for a while, I debated if I made the right choice. At the time, I told myself that I did, but when he passed away less than 3 years later, I thought back on that day, and believe me, I would have given anything to rewind time and tell him to come in and watch a movie with me. Even just five more minutes with him would have made me feel like I did something right.

Less than 8 months later, I met James. On our first date, I thought, "Wow, I could talk to this guy forever." We had an instant connection. I felt like we had a lot in common and he had this softness about him. I fell hard and fast for him. Since COVID was going on, he basically moved in with me and it was nice at first because I didn't feel so lonely anymore. He hadn't even been gone for 24 hours when I found out I had shingles and he jumped on the next flight to get back to me to take care of me.

James had a lot of great qualities and our ending was sudden and unexpected, in some ways. I don't think I've ever cried so hard about a breakup, even with Dan. Weeks before our breakup, we were drinking bottomless Nutcrackers (it's basically a White Russian) at the bowling alley when we went back to his apartment in Wyoming and we both just lost it. It wasn't a fight but we were both crying. Deep down, I knew then that it was over but we held on for a few more weeks and broke up the day after Christmas. I struggled to work for weeks because I could barely see through my tears. I remember laying on the floor of my house just bawling my eyes out and screaming. I felt like I'd never feel whole again. It was a breakup that I didn't understand at all, and still don't. I've come to accept that it's something I'll probably never understand but I think that's why it broke me so badly. It was like one minute James was a huge part of my life and then he just vanished.

In my memories, I thought about all of our best times. One night, during the summer, I was making space for James' clothes in my closet and he lay down on the floor and told me to lie with him. He said he wished we could be in a field somewhere, looking up at the stars together. He reminded me how much he loved me. I thought, in that moment, "Life doesn't get any better than this."

After our breakup, I was cleaning my kitchen one day and found a whole drawer full of fast food sauces. James was always saving them and I guess I didn't realize that he was collecting them in a drawer in my kitchen. There were so many Chick-fil-a sauces, along with lots of Taco Bell packets. I collected it all and threw it in the trash. When I went to the grocery store a few days later, I found and bought a bottle of Chick-fil-a sauce. I posted on Instagram that I no longer needed him around saving sauces because I could buy a whole bottle at the grocery store. James saw my post and messaged me like I had hurt him so badly by doing that. Of course, I felt a little bad that it hurt him but he had no idea all of the tears that I had cried leading up to that.

When I found out I would have to move out of my house years later, I almost looked forward to it. I felt like my house had become some sort of time capsule of memories of our life together. I'd sit at my desk in my office and imagine him at my kitchen table working on his computer. I even bought a whole new bed, which I wanted to do anyway, but I just felt so sad being in that bed without him.

I can honestly say, to this day, I've never taken a breakup as hard as I did with James. I'm not sure what that means but the other day, I felt like I needed to let him know that after all of this time, we were ok. I told him, "I just want you to know, that while I've never understood what happened with us, I've never hated you and always hope for the best for you." On my drive home from yoga last night, he replied, "I really appreciate that, Annie! And I have always wished the best for you as well." It took us just over 3 years but I'm glad we finally got to this point.

My dad sent me a Venmo last night and told me to go get Red Lobster for dinner so I picked some up on my way home from yoga. As usual, the traffic was awful, even at 8pm, so by the time I picked up my food and took it home, it was cold. I pulled into my driveway and this cat, who I previously saw in my backyard right after New Year's, was standing in the cul-de-sac looking at me. I looked back at it and let out a "pss" and it came running over to me and into my garage. It came right up to me and let me pet it. It was so playful and cute. It hung out with me for a bit until my neighbors got home and came out calling for it. I didn't know before whose cat it was, except that I had seen it in the neighborhood, but I think we're friends now. I don't know what it is but that cat always shows up when I'm having a rough week.

This past year, in general, has been rough. I moved to a neighborhood where the friendliest resident is a cat. I feel like I've taken a lot of losses here and now I'm working on piecing my life back together. It's a Wednesday and I usually go to yoga and Students at my church back where I used to live but today feels like a good day to stay home until I have to go to work.

I'm somewhat looking forward to my therapy session today. I hope it offers me some clarity for my next steps but I know that after it I won't want to do much, which is pretty normal for me after therapy. Since I have to work tonight, I definitely need to feel more refreshed. Like the pin I bought a few years ago, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

xoxo

Annie

[wwarren]

2022

Finally (finally) getting to my annual year recap. Between this one and last year I’ve been slacking and not getting to them until damn near halfway through the year. But like I said before, better late than never.

So this year was very interesting. Very interesting. What could’ve been the worst year of my life actually turned into one of my favorite years in recent memories, second to 2015. I think the main contributing factors to that was that I was pushed very hard to do and try new things. As well as foster and build a stronger relationship with my inner circle of friends - all of whom helped me get through what otherwise would’ve been an extremely challenging year with out them. So to start, in January I caught COVID. It was absolutely awful in the sense that I had the most bizarre side effects from the virus. I remember being like oh god, this is awful. It lasted about a week. Thankfully, nothing too severe happened as a result and I got over my symptoms in a decent amount of time.

Shortly after I recovered from COVID, my mom had passed away from the very same thing. She had a lot of health issues that were probably exacerbated by the virus. I’ll never forget that morning I woke up from a text from her, drove to her place frantically, the the ER, and then having the news delivered to me by the doctor. It was such an out of body feeling. My worst fears had came true and I realized then that from then on out the only person that’s going to look out for me is me. I was officially alone. Mentally, I had prepared myself for this day for a while because I knew it was inevitable. But it still hurt a lot. Healing from such a thing isn’t easy and is never in a perfect straight line. You’ll have days where you’re fine and days where you’re not. Sometimes you’ll be triggered by the smallest thing that takes you back to a memory and you’ll start to cry. With all this being said, I found what helped me the most ultimately was having a good support system. In my case, that was my friends.

After that and dealing with cleaning out her apartment, stopping all of her services to the apartment, and the funeral, I was in a weird space. It’s almost like something was set off in my body and spirit that told me to make the most of this year and try to form as many memories as you can. And I did.

I did a lot of traveling, spent a lot of good quality time with friends, and made some good memories. I traveled to Chicago/Boystown for the first time which I absolutely loved, went to Wisconsin, went to Mexico again for the second year in a row, experienced the Indy500 for the first time, was the man of honor (maid of honor) for one of my good friend’s weddings and gave a speech in front of 100+ people, went to New Orleans for the bachelorette party, wine tastings, Halloween parties, fun late nights in the summer riding scooters, pedal bars, Lollapalooza, picked up a new hobby of roller skating… there’s just so much. I was pushed outside of my box by myself and my friends and made so many great memories that truly filled the void that was there from grief. Of course it wasn’t complete smooth sailing but my close circle made me feel loved and appreciated. I grew closer to so many people and those relationships and memories are ones that I won’t forget. If it weren’t for them my depression probably would’ve taken away so much of me. I’m proud of myself for my resilience and willingness to be positive despite the hard time I was enduring.

2022 was in the top 2 favorite years. It was just fucking amazing. My main goal moving forward into the new year is to keep that momentum going. 💛

[mizata]

The final profession of love

Dear you,

It's been a great 2 and a half years and i know it's been chock full of ups and downs, but that's life innit?

I can confidently say with 98.9% confidence that there've been more ups than downs, but this is the culmination of every moment we've been together.

I've seen you at your lowest, and i've seen you at your best, and there's so much to love about you, no matter what state you're in.

From improving communication skills with friends and family, to stepping out of your comfort zones to meet new people or challenge yourself career-wise. There has been so much objective growth and it's amazing.

There are so many qualities about you that i admire, be it the discipline to wake up everyday despite mental heaviness, or cultivating healthy habits for food or exercise. This was always something that i lacked myself and i was hoping to one day achieve that same level of self-discipline.

I've learnt so much about other necessary life skills like managing money, maintaining some semblance of cleanliness in the room, and traveling pointers. These are things that i never handled personally and i am eternally grateful for the opportunity to learn this through my time with you.

As i type this my eyes are welling up (for the 15th time today) and i may end up ugly crying and yelling into the very blanket that we iron out every day, but i know that this was necessary because it would not be fair to you (and to extent, us) if i let this continue.

I want to hold on to my principle of never having to lie to you. Not just because it's wrong morally and it's not the way mama raised me, but because lying here is the blade that causes the most hurt. And you've been hurt like that one too many times. You've been through so many struggles (most of which you had to deal with on your own), and i do not wish to be another person who disrespects you as a person with very real feelings and emotion.

You are incredibly precious and i wish i could take that night back, but i cant.

I cannot claim to understand how you're feeling now, or how you will be feeling in time to come, but i know that it'll get better in time. I too am still figuring out how to move forward with all this and i can only pen this down and process this carefully. This would be the first time i've had let someone so close to me go under such circumstances.

As i sieve through memories and memorabilia, i am yeeted back to the time where life was a lot simpler. We were both in hospitals, we were both excited to learn about each other and bringing the best out of each other. I will always cherish the little moments of weekend mornings, the times we danced to various genres of music, the times either of us stood at the doorway when the other had to leave for work, the moments that made my heart flutter, and the constant expressions of affection towards one another.

We made many plans and discussed the future in so many ways, and i've tried to be the better man for you. Of all the times i have failed you, this would definitely be my greatest failure. The last thing i wanted to do was make you feel any less than what you are, but i know that had happened regardless. Nothing i say now will change that fixed moment in time.  

There are so many things i wish i could say irl.

I wish i could say all of this (and more) to your face as you (probably) start to tear up (and so will i) because i want you to know how special you are to me.

I don't know if i should send this to you or just leave this here for you to chance upon for fear of hindering your healing, so i'll err on the side of caution and just leave this be.

I hope we can be allowed to still be friends (despite the opinion of some that we should stay separate), but if fate decides otherwise, then i have to accept it too.

You've taught me to live a little more, love a little harder, and be a better person overall.

Thank you. For letting me love you.

May you always have minimal pee and maximul rest bbkeks.

[frogsandfries]

I feel so stupid

I'm sitting here crying over a fanfic.

I know what an anathema Rowling has made her own franchise, but that doesn't take back my childhood. Hermione was one of the first characters I ever really saw myself in. And this stupid fic feels so much more real to the Harry Potter universe than the end of the Deathly Hallows. Hermione, the smartest witch in her class, her niche driving her into isolation from her friends--when I was in high school, I took the classes I was interested in, which meant I didn't really get to be with my friends. Even in college, my friends seemed to be in one area while I was somewhere else. And I have no fucking idea how to leave the house to find some club or group or somewhere to hang out where I can learn or enjoy a hobby--where do graphic novel artists meet in a Thursday evening to, like, critique each other's stories or linework or development in their colorwork or whatever?

It's not........ fucking fair, that she doesn't have to be alone and this fictional character gets to have hot lusty sex while I haven't lusted for someone, well, okay--apart from that one time, that was like five years ago. But before that was like eight years ago.

I feel like such a freak. I always manage to find the most abusive person possible. Why would a normal, not-abusive person want anything to do with me?

I just want senpai to notice me, but why do I even care? Neither of us is going to move across the country for the other. I love living here. Like, I really love it.

Do I even believe in romance? Maybe that's my problem. If I held out for romantic love, I would just be alone, so I settle. That's the problem, the difference between fiction and reality. No one is going to shove you into the arms of your lover so you can have a steamy enemies to lovers arc. I don't even feel like I had any real enemies in high school. Even in high school, nobody really knew I existed, let alone cared.

Currently, I have three people who, if I didn't message them for a week, would even know anything was wrong.

Just one time, I want someone to be slightly obsessed with me and want to tear my clothes off when we're in the same room. Just one time, I want someone who would jump through flaming hoops or some shit for me. Just one time, I want someone to make me a thoughtful, beautiful lunch and tell the whole internet, like, I know she likes extra watercress on her lox bagel.

I don't think anyone I've been in a relationship has ever noticed or appreciated things about me. That's fucked up.

The problem is, I don't love myself enough to filter for quality. I'm desperate for the first thing that comes along. I don't need to be desperate anymore. For the first time in my adult life, I'm fully independent. I have my own apartment. I have my own job which I can stomach well enough until I can net something else, like trainer maybe. Something more interesting. This job has plenty of opportunities. I don't need to glom on to the first thing that comes along.

I'm really working on myself. I'm focusing on my health, trying to integrate little exercises into my morning, and stretching, forcing myself to go out of the apartment when I have a few bucks to spare, even though it's been over a hundred degrees when I get off work. I've been working on the graphic novel--on the script material, on coloring, on my lineworks.

For the first time since I moved to New Mexico, I feel motivated to work on my graphic novel, I feel focused. I don't feel judged and like I have to be slightly vigilant, one ear open.

I dunno, does it matter if I don't believe in steamy, lustful romance? Isn't it more important to have a good companionship, partnership, to be compatible to live together? Sex isn't an entire relationship. Lust just causes a sunk cost fallacy, "well this relationship was great for six months when we just fucked each other's brains out, what are we supposed to do now that we're too busy or stressed or whatever".

I just want someone who doesn't need to control me, doesn't feel insecure when I don't spend the evening with them, someone who doesn't corner me when I'm upset, angry, frustrated, whatever, and just need some fucking space. I just want a companion who loves me and notices me and cares about me. Someone who respects how I like to keep my home clean and organized. Someone who doesn't mind that I don't reach out physically; somebody who will reach out until I stop stiffening in surprise at their touch. But I'm such a piece of shit, I can't accept those things. It would be too good to be true. I need to keep punishing myself with the woman who gave birth to me, over and over.

Maybe that's why I don't believe in romance. All I've known is self-hatred so deep it bleeds all over the self-hater's children.