#quality is not great but this made me cry first thing this morning

[revasserium]

oh don't ask me for requests, you know I deliver. What about Zoro with number 30?

send me one + a character and i'll write u a drabble

30. invention of the dictionary

opla!zoro; 882 words; fluff, teeth-rotting fluff, strawhat!reader, gn!reader, no "y/n", unconventional format, whipped!zoro

summary: truth, love, still, and stolen

a/n: been a while since i've written something so chill but i rly like this one u__u nice, short, and sweet!

He has never been a man of many words, but meeting you has made him wonder about the exact reason dictionaries were invented. What scholar (for it must have been a scholar, Zoro thinks) could have amassed such a knowledge of words and meanings that they decided the only way to keep track was to write it down? Or perhaps it was simply someone in love — someone who felt too much and yearned too hard and never had the words big enough or heavy enough, wide enough or deep enough, to fully encompass the way they were feeling.

Because he’s never been a man of many words, but meeting you has him reaching for the tattered dictionary they’d found in a treasure chest, washed ashore on a small, insignificant island — not unlike you. You with your windswept hair and your skin smelling of salt and cream and a thousand midnight mysteries. You, and the way your eyes hold worlds that Zoro’s certain he’d never have the privilege of seeing.

But sometimes when he kisses you, he thinks he can taste the remnants of their exotic fruits beneath the sweet of your tongue, and sometimes when you kiss him back hard enough, he can feel it in the crescent moon marks you leave inked into his skin. Like dotted lines on a treasure map.

You’d been a traveling bounty-hunter, not so unlike who he’d been in a past life, one that he can barely even remember. And your laughter had been just the right shade of lost for Luffy to take notice. No one had thought twice about it after that — and you blended in with the crew as a shot of rum in a morning espresso — which is to say perfectly.

He finds himself flipping through the thin, water-warped pages of the dictionary, pausing on words he’d always thought he knew — words like truth, and love. Words like still, and stolen.

And so, here are some words that Roronoa Zoro has learned and re-learned the meanings of. All because of you.

truth noun.

the quality or state of being true

a fact or belief that is accepted as true

a thing so fundamental that it never has to be questioned — like the rising of the sun in the east or the setting of the moon in the west; something that pulses with the very rhythm of the universe, like the ebb and flow of the tides or the way that autumn always feels a little bit like goodbye — or how birdsong will inevitably be followed by the sprouting of spring, and how March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, and how Zoro’s never questioned just how much he’s loved you, or even whether or not he’d fallen in love. He simply woke up one day and knew.

love noun.

an intense feeling of deep affection

a great interest or pleasure in something

you, your smile, the way you hold your chopsticks, how you press your hand to your stomach when you laugh, the way your lips feel as they trail along Zoro’s jawline, the way your heartbeat rhymes with the gentle rush of the sea

verb.

to feel deep affection for someone or something

to like or enjoy very much

to dream of a life with you, and all the things you might do — to lie awake at night counting your breaths as you fall asleep next to him, to press his lips into the seam of your hair and know that when he wakes up in the morning, you’ll still be right there next to him

still noun/adj./verb

not moving or making a sound

deep silence or calmness

to make or become still

the way the world feels the first time you cry, how the planets themselves seem to grind to a deadly halt, how Zoro’s world tilts on the axis of you and doesn’t stop until he wonders if everything around him is upside down and inside out — how you curl into yourself when the monsters in your past become more than shadows and whispers that creep in the dark, or when the darkness comes knocking and you bury your face in his shoulder, your voice a whisper as you beg — please… help me.

adverb

up to and including the present time mentioned

nevertheless; all the same

how he knows he loves you, the way that the sea loves the sky — even after a devastating rainstorm; how there’s blood on his swords, blood soaking through the wooden planks but he’s got you in his arms so it’s going to be alright; how you let him carry you and hold you close; how he lets you carry him as well; how the pair of you curve around each other like a parenthetical, two bookends to a library of memories stored in the negative space between you; how you are with each other after all of this, still.

stolen verb (*past participle of steal)

take without permission or legal right, without the intent to return

move somewhere quietly or surreptitiously

his heart, his mind, his body, his soul — and him with you.

[5-pp-man]

another tierlist because ppl actually liked that first one;

the crème de la crop;

the first 2 eps i thought it was fine, but it didnt really captivate me as much as id hoped. but then ep 3 changed everything for me. i started to think "how could living armour work logically? everything so far has been edible, so this must be too, right?" i actually managed to think of the exact thing that this series did. that really made me realise the worldbuilding in this was something unique, and it only got better and better with each episode. its really managed to captivate me and i look forward to "delicious donderdag" every week :)

ANIME ORIGINAL LETS GOOOO absolutely bonkers show that almost slipped by me because it initially tried to fool its audience into thinking it was a regular dramatic military show. it still is but theres also a giant robot who plays by saturday morning cartoon giant robot rules. if that sounds like tonal whiplash to you, trust me, it is. and its amazing. have i mentioned how homoerotic this one is as well? yeah. originally a tier below this one, but immediately after finishing this post i watched the newest ep. i had to make an exception and edit the list because ep 9 changes everything. i havent been gobsmacked by a show this hard in a while.

(return of the) show(s) that execute their own premise very well;

i havent read the manga for yubisaki to renren so i cant compare, but the quality of this adaptation has been very consistent. you need a little sweet romance every once in a while :) this is one of those series where the characters really grew on me the longer it went on. im always a fan of mixing realistic struggles with romance and this one has been doing it well so far

adaptations that are ok (i read the manga for both of these);

i've been a mashle fan since before s1 aired. and the anime has some good changes and additions here and there! but its not very consistent in terms of quality, it does that shonen thing where the animation quality suddenly spikes for certain action sequences, but it also frequently had a lot of scenes where they recycle shots a lot and nothing interesting happens on the screen for a considerable amount of time. still! its a fine adaptation. and yeah the op for this. blew tf up lmao? very strange to see happen in real time

i actually rlly like the manga for this one. i read the whole thing up until vol.6 before the season started (all that was available back then) and it made me cry multiple times throughout. i was sort of missing that connection with the show, though some of the later episodes still hit. its mostly to do with the animation quality, which isnt that great unfortunately. the voice actors are knocking it out of the park though

wghere am i;

is this show good? i. uh. will you hate me if i say yes...? objectively, i know its not that good. especially in the animation department. but if you like other Umatani shows, you'll like this one. it's got the same brand of goofy reactionary humour mixed with gimmicky tacky characters and crazy stupid plot twists. ive been faithfully watching this one each week and I'm afraid i've become very invested. overscientific indeed

bro you fell off...;

i was so beyond excited for this one. i replayed the op a million times, watched each preview, rewatched multiple episodes. and then. ep 5 happened. and i started to realise. oh this show kind of sucks doesnt it? the pacing of the first ep was great, but the rest? way too fast. it became clear with ep 6 that theyre trying to do a double cour show with half the length, which is why they started hauling ass plot-wise. now. i was an arajin apologist for the longest time. but at that point i honestly started to loathe him. even when he stepped up, his praise still felt sort of unearned. and to top it all off, shindou's motivation sucked so he felt like a lousy antagonist. ep6 was better than 5, but it really made me lose my enthusiasm and hope for the series. and right as we were talking about them probably not having time for a filler ep, ep7 happened. feels like a waste of time to do an ep like that when you've still got a whole 2nd arc to go through. but who am i

it started off pretty good honestly. but then chris went to the hospital and it kind of just dwindled from there. this season does so much with characters that have not even been properly introduced like how am i supposed to care about these people if i barely know who they are. the stuff with finn and leo respectively was good though. but the lore dump? lord help me. also vijay just kind of. exists to be there in the background huh? i would not call him a main character they never give him any attention. wendy had another ep again and he didnt get shit. again. also i think finn was stupid as fuck for not listening to lala but again. who am i. i know we cant destroy high card because we need a show but. cmon man.

i am severely behind on these;

reason why im behind is because most of the eps are a bit heavy so i kept. not watching them. its starting to get rlly interesting though so i'm def gonna catch up this is one of those robo-racism shows so i have to really watch out to see where its going. dont want another marginal service situation...

sorry this is just. a little too boring for me. its charming, sure. but i think this wouldve worked better as something with an 11 min timeslot instead of 23 min. theres just a bit too mu- or well, too little for me to rlly get into this. i think reading it would be more fun for me personally

[larry-22-blog]

Pregnancy, prenup, angst and fluff

I received quite a lot of requests for a pregnancy story, so here we are.

It's almost 10k of angst and fluff. I would say it's a rollercoaster of emotions.

As per time frame it's around a year after the last part of the series: Period complications 6 x First Time

Summary: Erling proposed to his girl, they are getting married, she's the love of his life, and he's the love of hers but life has other plans, his dad and lawyers are trying to making him have a prenup (prenuptial agreement) to protect himself and his money from her. He doesn't talk to her about it but she overhears them talking about it and gets hurt.

They end up in a fight, him making bad choices and hurting her and she leaving him, taking her things and ending their engagement. But what he doesn't know is that she left with something of his 🤰👶🏼.

It was Monday morning, the sun was up and I couldn't be happier, we finally got a sunny day in England, that's so rare, especially during winter.

It felt so nice to have a lazy morning, especially after the past weeks, it was all too much, I felt so overworked and tired and stuck in a bad working environment. The only positive thing was that I got to work from home and that I loved what I do but otherwise it was shit, they didn't care about how much he had to give to deliver the best results and they got tons of money for the projects we made and they pay us shit.

Just great.

I was feeling really down about that, especially since I moved in with Erling because I basically just couldn't afford this lifestyle. He is paid more in a week than I would ever make my whole life, so yeah, of course, he likes to treat himself and the people around him with his money. He was so caring and sweet, his heart is just as big as the rest of him, so yup, it's huge.

I smile as I think about my sweet baby giant.

I just love him so much.

The love of my life.

My soulmate.

As I think of him, my eyes drift to my left hand, where the light was hitting the diamond of the ring he gave me just right, making it stand out even more on my pale skin.

Our engagement ring.

We are engaged.

It still feels surreal.

Sometimes when I think of it, I just end up crying my eyes out at the thought of what has my life become. How happy and loved I feel. All my life I thought that love just wasn't for me, no one seemed to love me enough to even stick around, not even my family, and now I have someone who loves me enough to want to marry me? To want to spend a life together with me?

It just seemed so surreal.

He broke down all my walls and made me who I am today. A much stronger, more confident person than I ever was.

My sweet Erling.

He was the sweetest when he proposed to me, he made sure everything was perfect and it was. We were in a cabin in Norway right between Christmas and New Year, he rented it for us to spend some quality time there, enjoying the beauty that is Norway, nature and well, ourselves.

He prepared everything, lighting up candles and fairy lights, the whole cabin was filled with roses and he proposed right on the balcony, under the Aurora borealis magic light I barely managed to respond with a 'yes' between sobs and I hugged him, holding onto his for dear life as he comforted me.

He knew how much it meant to me, and what was my input on marriage and commitment.

We were always open with each other, finding it easy to communicate, even from the very start of our relationship, it just all came easy.

I got to know the worst parts of his life, the best and everything in between. And he got to know mine too.

The idea of marriage was always scary for me, I never thought it was for me. But I didn't see it until meeting Erling that I wasn't scared of commitment, of me being committed, I was scared of the other person not being as committed as me, of him leaving, I was scared of being abandoned yet again.

But he changed my perspective, as always.

That trip was just so magical. The days we spent there were filled with love and passion and happiness. Just pure happiness.

I feel like we just tuned out the world outside and just focused on us, on our love.

And love we made.

I smiled down, moving my hand down to my tummy.

Our tiny miracle.

I found out last Friday about the tiny human inside my tummy. Our little baby.

I've been feeling bad last week, throwing up and being dizzy and tired all the time and Erling basically forced me to go to see a doctor. He insisted on coming with but I managed to get an appointment early on Friday and he had an away game so I ended up going with my friend, Olivia after I begged him not to miss the game on my account since it wasn't anything serious.

Well, I didn't think it was anything serious, it didn't even cross my mind I could be pregnant.

But here I am, with a 2 months baby Håland in my tummy.

I smiled between tears.

Damn was I emotional lately…

I wonder if Erling noticed it. I find myself crying all the time lately, like yesterday I cried when he came back from the game and picked up McDonald's, ordering my favourite menu, mcchicken with fries and orange juice making sure to not have pickles in my burger. The fact that he remembered that I didn't like pickles anymore just got me sobbing into his chest confessing my forever love for him as he tried to comfort me.

I'm sure it was quite a sight to be seen.

I didn't know how to tell him I'm pregnant, I'm just unsure of his reaction. I know he loves kids, and he wants to have kids in the future but still, he's so young, like damn, he's 22, how could he potentially react to me telling him we are expecting a baby.

I'm older than him and I, to my embarrassment, broke down in the doctor's office hearing the news.

Like it was all so surreal, so unexpected and somehow soon?

We've been together for quite some time but still, a baby is such a major thing.

And there is no going back.

Well, there are possibilities but I could never imagine doing something like this.

The doctor was very kind, explaining to me all the possibilities, and offering support and guidance.

I almost threw up at the thought of having an abortion when the topic came up, it just wasn't a possibility.

How could I ever think of harming let alone killing our baby?

I didn't even know I had any maternal feelings in me, as it is. Like, all my life I've been saying I couldn't imagine myself having a baby, being a mom to something else than a cat or a dog.

But man, could I have been further from the truth? I love this baby with all I have, and I'm prepared to protect it with my life, to offer all my love and support.

I just hope Erling will be on the same page.

I'm not sure I could do this, all this without him.

I know that for him family comes first. He's had a similar situation to mine, his parents are divorced, but at least for him, it wasn't as fucked but, but still.

I know that he wants a stable family, a healthy one, he wants to have a safe and healthy environment for the kids.

I just hope that he won't consider this a burden, it's still so early into his career…

Whenever the topic of kids came up he always said that he would like to have as many as possible, but later on, when he could prioritize them since right now his main focus is football.

And this makes me feel so damn guilty. I never wanted to come between him and football, I'm not the type of person that would make him choose between his career and theirs.

I like to think that I'm mature enough to understand that it's not a competition between me and football for his attention and love, football is his passion, he loves it and he's doing an amazing job at playing football, I'm here to support him as much as I can along the way.

This is why I feel like I somehow failed now, having a baby is not something that was in the plan for any of us. I don't want him to resent me for trying to come between him and football, or well the baby.

Not that it was completely my fault since, to be fair it was a two ways street, but I'm the one carrying it…

But still…

I didn't even tell him I'm pregnant yet. I'm still trying to process everything.

But I have to do this soon, I'm putting too much stress on myself with this and it can't be good for the baby.

Our little miracle.

I found the cutest thing for this.

I searched online and found a Manchester City baby-size home equipment with a customizable name on the back. I had it say 'Haaland' at the top, followed by 'Daddy's #1 fan' right under it.

It even came with baby-sized sports shoes and little sports socks!

It was the cutest thing ever!

I can't wait to see his reaction when he sees it.

My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing. I stretched my arm to reach the phone which was on Erling's nightstand and pressed the answer "Good morning my little sleepy head!" Erling said happily, smiling at me, making me blush and hide my face into his pillow, murmuring a soft "morning…"

"Awww you're still a sleepy baby? It took everything in me to leave our bed this morning, you looked so soft and warm and cuddly, and you were holding onto me so tight, I could barely pry you off, my baby koala, had to replace myself with my pillow. And you didn't even wake up, my sleepy kitty" He cooed at me when he saw me yawn. I was indeed very tired and sleepy lately. Because I was carrying a baby, his baby.

But he just didn't know it yet.

I was also very clingy to him, but I was trying to control myself, not wanting to annoy him, it's just that my body is navigating itself to be around him, involuntarily. Maybe it's the baby, wanting to be around its father, or maybe it's my body naturally navigating towards him.

Maybe both.

"Mmmm yes… I think I'm not gonna leave the bed today" I confessed, sleepy, his side of the bed smelled so much like him, I swear this must be heaven.

"Fuck baby, how am I going to resist? I just want to cuddle you and hold you in my arms and do other things in between" he groaned from where he was in the car and I could see him adjusting himself as he gave me a well-known now look.

"Erling! Are you hard at work?!" Suddenly I was very much awake.

"Work hard, hard at work, same shit" he joked making me giggle.

"Baby, you have to be on the pitch in less than 30mins…" I said, looking sadly at him as he groaned.

"But how about today after practice you come straight home and we have a nice shower together" I suggested making him groan loudly. He loves shower sex with a passion.

"Fucking hell, if I'm gonna get a fine for speeding it's on you" he joked.

"Have I told you you're beautiful today?" He gave me a fost smile, making me blush at the compliment.

I have to admit I don't feel beautiful right now, I feel kind of bloated and always on the verge of crying.

"Have you seen yourself, you are the beautiful one between us, especially now, look at my hair! You look like an angel and I look homeless" I hid my head under the cover, making him laugh.

"You look perfect, there is something different though, not sure what but you look absolutely stunning," he said making me blush.

Was the pregnancy visible already?

"Go to practice, you giant sap!" I joked as he realised the time and rushed out of the car, taking his bag with him "damn, well, I have to run baby, I'll be back as soon as possible, I love you my little angel" he blew me kissed "I love you too, my Viking, good luck!! See you at home in a bit!" I send him kisses back before we closed the call.

I put the phone on the nightstand and was out like a light.

I woke up on the verge of an orgasm "Erling!" I moaned loudly as my orgasm hit me, throwing my head back on the pillow, putting my hand on his hair, and pulling at it. I didn't even know if I was pushing him away or pulling him closer.

"Fucking hell, Erling, you should be illegal…" I moaned feeling the aftershocks and I tried to pull him up to me.

"I couldn't help myself, you looked so good, my love," he said moving up so he was towering over me, naked, making me blush when I feel his cock pulsing against my entrance.

I'm not sure if it's me or the pregnancy hormones, but damn was I horny, all the damn time.

I just can't help it, he's too sexy.

He leaned in to kiss me slowly, I felt the tip of his cock pushing in, making me moan, I moved my hands to his hips, more like his ass, as I tried to pull him closer.

Damn was this heaven? It must be.

"Fuck baby, where is the rush?" He groaned as he moved his hips until he was fully in me, filling me up to the brim.

"Fucking hell, Erling, were you always this big?" I moaned at the stretch, he was huge.

"I don't even know, I feel like I can cum anytime, you feel so fucking good, so tight and warm and so damn wet, baby, you are going to be the death of me" he groaned moving his hips slowly as we both tried not to orgasm.

"You're still dressed…" he said, moving his arms so he was resting his weight on his forearms, putting his hands under my shirt to play with my boobs.

"Fuck, just be gentle, my boobs hurt…" I put my hands on him, making him stop and look up at me worried "was I too rough with them last time?"

"No, love, just my body being weird, sometimes they get more sensitive… Like before periods and stuff…" I tried to play it cool, but I hated lying to him.

"Ok…" he said, still looking uncertain.

"Sorry to ruin the mood…" I said, ashamed.

"What, no! You didn't ruin anything! We should discuss about those things, like please, don't feel afraid to speak up to me, to let me know what you are feeling" he said, moving a piece of hair behind my ear, and kissing my nose.

"I love you so much, Erling… But now hurry up before I start crying" I said as I tried to contain my tears.

"Your wish is my command" he started moving again, making us both moan at the intense feeling.

We ended up reaching our highs at the same time, with him coming into me. He tried to lie on me, but I didn't want to accidentally hurt the back, so I made him turn us around, lying on top of him, cuddling up to his chest with him still inside me.

Heaven.

"I love you, my cuddle bug" he kissed the top of my head, pulling the covers over us, knowing how cold I always get after an orgasm.

"I love you too, I'm so sleepy though…" I yawned making him chuckle.

Before I could hear his reply I was already out.

I woke up a few hours late, it was already getting dark outside, I didn't want to leave but I had to pee so badly. I had to.

After I relieved myself, I went down to search for Erling and food.

I didn't eat anything today and I was starving.

I searched for him around the house, but I couldn't find him.

Where was he? Did he go out?

I went into the living room, to check if the car was in the driveway and it was.

So he's home but where is he?

I went back to the hallway, making my way to check if he was outside, in the back garden when I heard his voice.

Loud.

He was definitely angry, he was yelling at someone.

"She makes shit money! So!" He yelled and I could hear someone else speaking after but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

I made my way to the office door, my heart was beating faster, suddenly I don't feel hungry anymore, I feel like I'm going to throw up any moment.

"Of course, I'm not fucking stupid, I work hard for my money, I'm not going to have some gold digger take it," he said angrily.

Gold digger? What is he talking about, who is trying to take his money away?

"Son, please listen to him, this is important," someone said, was it his father? Why was his father here? What is happening?

Everything was fine a few hours earlier.

Erling responded in Norwegian, I couldn't understand a thing he was saying but then the other person started speaking and my stomach sink when I heard him explaining the importance of separating the money, especially in cases like this where one of the spouses makes a lot of money and the other doesn't, one is rich and one is poor, how it would protect Erling's money and himself, that the prenup is essential in situations like this. He explained about clauses they could include to be extra safe, just in case, even about having kids only after a certain period, when it was convenient for his career. About me not getting access to any money even if I was having his baby, only the baby having access to it after a certain age, about him getting the main custody if the case came and we would get a divorce. How he would be able to have the last word in the conception of the child, he could decide if not to keep it if it wasn't conceived as per the clauses, he could make me have an abortion or not legally recognize the child as his. How some celebrities like to include body rules such as the spouse having to be in top shape, a certain weight and healthy. How he could sue me if I don't follow the rules? And some other horrible things.

I couldn't hear anymore, I was crying, full-on sobbing by the time I made it back into our room.

His room.

A prenuptial agreement.

A prenup? They are talking about our wedding? About my body. As if it was a transaction, a business contract.

How could he think something like this about me?

A gold digger?

He wanted to have 100% control of my body, to be able to call the shots about having a baby, to be able to force me to have an abortion if the time wasn't right for him. To have me removed from the child's life if we get a divorce?

How is this the same man I fell in love with?

How could I be so fucking stupid to think that good things actually happen to me?

Everyone around me hurt me, tried to tear me down to pieces, and left me when I needed them, of course, he had to fucking be the same.

He made me think he was all in when in reality he was all out.

The thing is, I don't even care about his money, sure it's nice to be able not to worry about money, but I grew up poor, all my life I've worked for what I wanted, I indeed didn't make much money, nothing remotely close to him, but I don't fucking need his money!

I don't need any expensive presents, or trip or brand clothes or whatever else luxury he offered me.

I just wanted him.

The thing is I would have signed a prenup, I don't want his money, if this was all it was about I would have signed it.

But him having the last word on my body? How is this normal?

We were supposed to be a family.

I wanted to be a family.

He said he wanted us to be a family.

Was it all a lie?

Why did he insist on getting married, he was the one proposing, was it to catch me under a contract?

How could heaven turn into hell in a matter of hours?

Did he know I was pregnant, was my bump visible? Did he want me to get rid of it?

Of our baby. Our poor innocent baby.

I loved Erling with all I have I also loved our baby.

Why would he make me choose between them… I just couldn't.

I was sobbing so hard hugging myself, trying to use the covers to protect my tummy.

From me, from him, from everyone.

After a few minutes, I get up from bed hearing a car engine and some noise out.

I walked to the balcony door, I couldn't see much since it faced the backyard, but I saw Erling on the pitch, furiously kicking the balls one by one at the back of the net. At one point I wasn't even sure how the net was even holding up with the force of his kicks.

I smiled sadly, another wave of tears making their way into my eyes.

I thought I would get to see them play together, in our backyard, watching our tiny little pumpkin, a small version of Erling, run around after his father, playing footie together.

Why was life this cruel?

At one point I fell asleep, exhausted from crying so much but was woken up by Erling kicking the door of our room as he made his way to the bed, moving under the covers so he was close to me, kissing around my face to get me to open up my eyes.

I didn't want to open my eyes, to see him, for him to see me. He would know I cried.

He smelled so good though, his hair was not fully dry, and he must have taken a shower.

"Baby? Are you awake?" He asked softly, kissing my neck.

"Mmmm no…" I responded sleepy, I was so exhausted.

"I want you so bad, baby…" he groaned, moving closer so he could rub his hardness on my thigh, trying to put his hands under my shirt to lift it up and when he touched my tummy I suddenly was wide awake, pushing his hand away, moving away from him "Erling, no! Stop it!" I tried pushing him when he insisted, making him groan.

He smelled like alcohol. Which was rare, he barely drinks alcohol.

"Oh so now you suddenly don't want me! Not too long ago you were throwing yourself at me! Now you're being a bitch about it!" He yelled, moving on his side, throwing the covers off as he got up angrily "You know how many girls throw themselves at me? And you refuse me. Fucking hell, I'll go fucking take care of myself in the guest room! Don't wait for me, I'll sleep there." He left yelling, hurting me yet again with his words.

I've never refused him, not since we first slept together, my first time.

But then again he never put me in this situation.

I took his pillow and cuddled it to my chest, crying myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke up with the need to throw up, I ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach, not that I ate much yesterday, just some cereal.

I washed my teeth and took a shower, dressing into some yoga pants and a t-shirt, I had to stop myself from taking one of Erling's.

I made my way downstairs, preparing a cup of tea.

I opened the fridge to check what we have, wanting to prepare something to eat.

I had such weird cravings that now I wanted to eat toast with butter, jam and ham.

I prepared the food, eating by the time Erling made his way downstairs.

He was shirtless, hair tied, and he was wearing shorts and socks.

He didn't say anything to me as he made his way to the fridge, getting out some orange juice, eggs and bacon.

He looked so intimidating, was he always this big?

"I made you some tea…" I said in a soft voice, almost afraid of his reaction.

"Thanks." He said coldly.

At least he didn't yell at me.

He was preparing himself breakfast, coming to sit across me on the stool.

I started eating again, suddenly feeling very vulnerable in front of him, he lifted his gaze, looking straight at me "you should lay down on the carbs, your face looks all puffy, the bad eating habits are catching up on you he" he said nonchalantly.

I suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore, I feel sick again, tears filling my eyes, I tried not to cry but felt his cold stare, judging me, and with all the emotions I'd felt the past 2 days, I just was so damn emotional.

"Oh come on, you can't be possibly crying because of this" he groaned, facepalming.

I just didn't know what to do, I wanted to confront him but I was so damn scared, he looked at me with such a cold stare, I'm not used to this kind of Erling.

I swear he wasn't like that before or was that just me? Was I blind? Was he always like that?

"Can you please just shut up so I can eat my fucking breakfast in peace?" He said, fist bumping into the counter making me whimper scared by the noise.

"I heard you" I composed myself "yesterday, in the office, you were talking with your dad and your lawyer…" I continued.

"Oh, so this is what it's about. This is why you're acting like a bitch?" He said, angry.

"A bitch? How am I a bitch? By doing what?" I asked, sniffing my nose.

"By acting like this, refusing to sleep with me yesterday and acting like a princess! Like you're so hurt!" He said rolling his eyes.

"I am hurt, wouldn't you be if you were in my place? How would you feel?" I asked him, crying.

"I would be fucking mature, unlike you, this is what normal people do in our situation! I have the right to protect my money!" He said, basically yelling.

"Have I said something about money, why is it all suddenly about money, we are supposed to get married not sign a transaction, a fucking contract! Why would you think I care about your money, you know I hate it when you buy me things or spend money on me…"

"Then why is it such a big deal?! We will have a prenup and end of the deal." He interrupted me.

"Because it's not the fucking money part I'm worried about, it's everything else, the way you guys spoke about my body, about how you could control what I eat and drink and look, you can call shots on my body and all the pregnancy/children stuff. Erling, that's fucked up, completely fucked up." I cried.

"It's like you're fucking buying something, I'm not a fucking car, you can't customize me to your liking, I'm a fucking human, I have feelings too… I gave my all to you, I just have nothing else to give…" I was barely breathing by the time I was done with my rant, but he wasn't much fazed by any of it.

"Fucking say something!" I had enough after we stayed in silence, him watching me as I cried.

"What do you want me to say?" He said, much softer this time but I was not having any of it.

"Tell me when did you start having these kinds of thoughts, did you always think of me as a gold digger, did you always think I dressed badly, that I look bad, that I'm too fat, that you want to be the one to call the shots on what I wear, eat, look? Was I always not enough for you? Do you really want to get married to me, have a family with me?" I asked, searching for his eyes.

"We will continue this after my practice, I have to leave, I'm gonna be late," he said when his phone rang, it was jack, I could see his name on the screen.

Before he leave, I reached for his hand, stopping him "Did you ever love me, truly love me?" I asked softly, between tears.

"We will talk later, I'll be back as soon as I finish the practice" he brushed me off just like that, kissing my hand before getting up, answering Grealish as he rushed to get ready.

"What's up mate, you busy? Something happened?" I could hear Grealish ask.

"Nah, nothing important, just getting ready for practice, I'm in a bit of a hurry," Erling said as he got dressed, I could hear him running around, talking to Grealish about a football game before getting his practice bag and keys and then leaving.

All while I was here confessing my feelings, crying my heart out, baring myself to him.

But then again, it seems like all I was for him was "nothing important".

He didn't have time to talk to me, but he had time to talk to Grealish. He had time for football.

I knew football came first, I fully supported him to follow his passion, always assuming him that I was not mad when he wouldn't make it to my birthday, our anniversary, work party, or doctor's appointment, I really wasn't.

I understood him, I knew what I was getting myself into but to this extent?

I may have been aware of what I was getting myself into and accepted it at some point but what about our baby? He didn't ask to be brought up into this mess.

Our baby, the innocent baby growing up in my tummy, the baby he potentially wants dead.

I feel so betrayed.

So hurt.

Why did he take the time and effort to rebuild my broken heart just to break it into even smaller pieces?

He teared up everything, he offered me a home, a family, and love but it was all a sick joke.

Was he making fun of me?

Was playing with my heart fun for him?

How could I ever recover from this?

I sat there in the kitchen, staring at the picture of us pinned on the fridge.

After what felt like hours I got up, and cleaned the counter, the plates and everything before going up to our, no, his room to pack my clothes, I'm not staying here any longer, it's clear that I got the wrong message, all this stress and fights and crying isn't good for the baby, the least I can do is leave now, while I still have the last tiny piece of dignity left.

I searched for my bag, putting in the stuff I came here with, nothing of what Erling ever bought me, no brand clothes, no expensive perfume, nothing. I took my work stuff from the office, getting everything ready in front of the main door, making sure I didn't leave anything behind before I made my way upstairs again, to his room, there was something else I needed to leave there.

I was crying again by the time I reached the bed, it was nicely made, everything was in order, I made sure to clean after me and I packed, it somehow looked almost empty.

I walked to the mirror in the corner, uniting my necklace, then the earring. My neck looked so bare, I could still feel the ghost of the jewellery there.

Just like I feel the ghost of our relationship.

I put them on his nightstand, then finally reached for the engagement ring, the last piece of his.

I slowly got it off my finger, lifting it up to my lips to kiss it before putting it down on the nightstand, with the rest of his stuff.

I started walking, not even looking back once. I took my bags and closed the door behind me, locking it, right on time I got the notification that the uber arrived.

I looked back at it as I made my way to the gate, luckily no one was there, Erling has some people who manage his outside area, gardening and everything.

I closed the gate after me, put the keys in the mailbox, and gave the house one last look before getting in the uber and leaving. I was crying the whole ride, but to my luck, the uber guy didn't comment on it, he just gave me a sad smile, offering to help me with my bags when we arrived at Olivia's place.

I went up to her door, ringing the bell.

I didn't even call beforehand, hopefully, she's home.

I was relieved when she opened the door, shocked to see me there and in that state.

"What the hell happened?!" She pulled me in, hugging me as I cried into her neck.

---------- Erling's POV 3rd person

Erling took the time to think about what happened.

He felt so fucking guilty. She was right, he was an asshole, a complete asshole.

To be honest, he didn't even want a prenup himself, with all the bullshit clauses and shit, but his father and his lawyer were trying to get him to agree to have one before marrying her.

He wanted a family, all in, he wanted to have as many kids as possible, whenever it was meant to be, he didn't want it to be a contract, to force her to have his kids when his carer allowed, to have that control over her body.

He loved her.

He should have fought with them for her, to defend her, he knows she's not a gold digger, she's nothing like that, she's the love of his life.

He's already spoken to his dad on the way home, calling off the deal, even though it wasn't even something settled. But he wanted to let him know it was a straight no.

He was going to make it right, hopefully, she will forgive him.

Even though he doesn't deserve it.

He's such an idiot.

Really.

She gave herself fully to him, with no conditions, no clauses, full commitment and support.

She bared herself to him, all her past, flaws and imperfections, there for him, and he used them to hurt her.

He knew what she was afraid of, and how much she wanted a home, a family, and a safe environment. She was afraid of her feelings not being returned, of people leaving her.

And here he was, making promises just to tear them down.

He was the biggest asshole on this planet.

He used the remote to open the gates, park the car in front of the house, getting his bag from the back before making his way inside.

He was met with complete silence as he went to get a glass of water from the kitchen, hoping she was there.

She wasn't, the kitchen was clean, he went to throw the peels of the orange he ate on the way home in the trash when he saw the toast she was eating when he made that comment about her body.

"Fucking asshole, that's what I am!" He closed the door of the cabinet with a little too much force, making everything on it shake.

His poor girl, she didn't deserve such an asshole by her side.

Erling went to the living room in hopes of finding her, but with no luck, he called out her name, worried when he didn't get a response.

He knew she wasn't feeling well, she went to the doctor last week and was taking some medication and vitamins, what if something happened to her?

She wasn't eating much lately, and whatever she ate, she ended up throwing up.

And as the biggest asshole, he commented on her weight.

He made his way upstairs, searching for her, calling out her name again but nothing.

She wasn't there.

He felt his stomach sinking.

Something was not right.

He went to their room and he knew it.

It felt empty.

He knew it before he even saw the ring on his nightstand, she was gone.

She left.

She left him.

Went to their shared walk-in closet, some of her clothes were still there, but most of her stuff was gone.

He took a hoodie, it was a Gucci x Adidas one, with the logos in blue.

Erling smiled sadly at it, he got it for her during his trip to London, for the match with Arsenal. He went shopping and missed her like crazy, even though he was only gone for a day, nonetheless day he ended up buying half the stores for her while only buying a pair of Nike for himself.

He just loved spoiling her, he had the money, so why not use it to make someone who makes him happy, happy?

He brought the hoodie to his face, smelling it.

It smelled like her…

He went through the stuff, still crying as he hugged the clothes to his chest, flinging her Chanel perfume, he brought it for her not too long ago, he saw as he was brushing his teeth that her old one was almost empty and he made it his mission to replace it with a new one.

He stopped by the store on the way from practice to get it.

He smiled sadly, smelling it.

He made his way to the nightstand, where the ring was, still holding her hoodie, as he reached for the ring, surprised to also see her necklace and earrings there.

Then the realisation hit him, she didn't take anything he brought her, anything that was brought with his money.

She only took what she brought.

At this point he was on his knees in front of the bed, sobbing into the hoodie.

"It's all my fucking fault!" He shouted, getting up, and punching the wall, he was so fucking angry at himself, at everyone around him, why did none of them tell him what an asshole was he is, what he was doing to her.

Now here he was, alone.

He lost the love of his fucking life.

He wanted to trash the room, hell, the house, to break everything!

But he couldn't, this room was all he had left of her.

She made a home of this house, and now that she left it feels like everything was just a dream.

A nightmare.

He had to find her.

He tried calling her, but of course, she didn't pick up.

But it was a good sign, at least she didn't block him.

That must count as something. Right?

He tried calling Olivia but her phone was off.

He tried to call her best friends but they didn't know anything, plus they were in another country, it's not like she could have gone to them. They all threatened to kill him if he was not gonna make it right with her.

He couldn't call her mom since she didn't speak English so that was out of the picture, most of her family didn't speak English either.

Plus he knew her, she doesn't open up about her stuff, not even to her family.

So what should he do, where should he search for her?!

He was interrupted by his phone ringtone, he quickly picked up, without even looking, hopping to her "Yes??"

"Erling, son, I've got a package for your girl, I called her but she said to throw it away, but she didn't sound fine on the phone, did something happen? Can you come downstairs?" Lucas said, he was the one taking care of the house and everyone else working around the house. He's like a grandfather to Erling.

"I'll be down in a second" Erling ran downstairs.

"Erling, son, what happened? Are you ok?" Lucas said shocked, he never saw Erling cry before, the guy was a walking sunshine, always smiling and laughing.

"I fucked up, Lucas, I fucked up so bad, I hurt her and she left, while I was at practice…" Erling said, accepting Lucas's hug, crying into his shoulder.

"Oh you poor boy, I'm sure you're going to sort it out, you're not one to quit. You have to fight for her! We are Vikings, we aren't afraid to fight! Especially for what we love and you my boy, love her, I can see that and I'm sure she can see it too…" Lucas told him, trying to calm him down.

"I love her, so damn much, but for some reason I keep fucking up, treating her like shit. She deserves better…" Erling says drying his tears with the back of his hand, nervously brushing his hair with his fingers.

"Well, she loves you, wants you. This is what matters." Lucas patted his back.

"Where is the package?" Erling asked, before finding it. It was a small package, from Amazon. He looked confused at it, what could it be?

"I think this is something important. I called her to let her know she got a package since you were at practice and no one was home, and she begged me to throw it away, to not give it to you, to promise her I won't let you see it. She was crying, quite hard on the phone. I figured out you must have been fighting or something, I didn't know she left, but whatever it's in here, it must be related to your guy's fight. Maybe it would help you find her, win her back? God knows…" Lucas explained handing it to Erling.

"My poor girl, she was crying because of me…" Erling took the box, it looked even smaller in his hands.

He felt bad for doing it, it was supposed to be private, but he had to.

She must be hiding something if she begged Lucas not to let him see it.

But what could it be?

He opened the package carefully, whatever it was inside it was carefully wrapped.

Erling put the package away and unwrapped the bubble wrap, a small white box was inside it.

He took it into his hands, it was so small, what could be inside that he should not see?

He opened the lid, both him and Lucas looking intrigued.

He gasped when he saw what was inside.

A tiny pair of baby blue sports shoes, over what looked like a baby-sized Manchester City home equipment. He reached in to take the shoes out to be able to see what was written on the back of the shirt it was the number 9, his number, with 'Haaland' on top and right under it was 'Daddy's #1 fan'.

He reached in to take the small t-shirt out, with a trembling hand, it looked so tiny compared to his hands, Erling was crying by then "I'm going to be a dad…? She's pregnant with my baby, she has my baby in her tummy?" He cried falling down on his knees as he held the box to his chest.

He fucked up so fucking bad.

"Congratulations my son, I'm sorry that you got to find out like that but it's better than not knowing…" Lucas said, patting the back of my head "Now man up Erling, you've got a fight to make, you've got to be strong for your girl and your baby. Don't let them down, they need you" Lucas said, offering him a hand to pull him up.

Erling took his hand and got up, drying his tears, he was going to find her, wherever she was.

"I have to leave", he said, getting his car keys, not letting go of the box.

"I'm gonna get her back home", Erling said to Lucas who cheered for him "that's my boy! A true Viking!"

"Thank you, Lucas, for everything…" Erling hugged him and Lucas chuckled "Of course, my boy, I had a feeling it was something important you had to know about. Now go!"

Erling got into the car, pump the box in the passenger seat, driving off to Olivia's house.

She must be there.

Has to be.

He finally reached it, it was quite a long ride from his house. He got out of the car quickly.

He walked (more like ran) to Olivia's front door, ringing the bell while also knocking on the door, well, hitting it with the side of his fist.

"Open up before I break this damn door down, Olivia! I know you're there!" Erling yelled, hitting it stronger.

He was prepared to bodyslam the door when Olivia opened the door.

"What the hell, Haaland, you'll have to pay for breaking my fucking door! What has gotten into your caveman head?!" She asked angry and scared at the same time.

"Send me the details, I'll pay for the door, now where is she?" Erling asked, looking around for any sign of her.

"She's not here, hold on! Did I say you could come in? Where are your manners?! You can't just come into my house just like that!" Olivia tried to stop him, blocking his access, trying to stop him.

"I left my manners back in Norway, now cut the crap, I know she's here I can see her shoes, so get out of my way. I don't want to hurt you, but if you are standing in the way, between me and what's MINE, I won't hesitate." He said coldly, making Olivia shiver, damn how was this her life?!

She wanted to protect her friend but he can't stand in front of this! He looks feral.

"Leave her alone, Erling, I'm here" a soft voice could be heard from the top of the stairs, making him push past Olivia to get there, standing in front of his girl.

"My love, I'm so sorry, I'm such an asshole, the biggest asshole on this planet, but I love you, with all my heart, I swear, you are the love of my life, my soulmate. Please let me explain, I swear it wasn't like that, I didn't and I still don't want a prenup! They were trying to get me to have one, trying to get in my head and I swear to you I didn't want one, but then you refused to sleep with me and all and I got so angry, I drank a lot too, so the next day I fucked up even worse. I just let my impulsive nature win, when you said you overheard us I immediately thought this was why you were acting like this to make me pull off the deal and I couldn't help but think they were right, but I know it's nothing like that…" Erling rambled, between tears, holding her hands as she slowly got down the stairs, closer to him, but still not on the ground, being at the same level as his.

"I understand it all now and it makes the situation even worse now, I fucked up so bad, you were just trying to protect our little miracle" he finished softly, eyes trailing down to her tummy, then back to her eyes "may I please touch?" He begged.

---------- back to her POV, 1st person -------------

"You can touch, it's our baby…" I softly replied between tears, walking downstairs so I was closer to him.

He got on his knees, shocking me since I was only expecting him to put his hands on my tummy, but no, he lifted my hoodie up and kissed my barely existing baby bump "Our tiny miracle, I'm so sorry for what I put you and your mommy through… I swear I'm going to be better, I'm going to be the best father to you and the best husband to your mommy" Erling nuzzled into my tummy, placing kisses all over it, still crying softly.

I was crying too, my hands were trembling, I wanted to touch him, to hold him, to be in his arms.

He must have sensed it because he lifted his gaze, staring into my eyes with his big blue-greenish eyes.

I felt myself melting in a puddle.

"Baby, please don't refuse this, it belongs to you, please marry me, even though I don't deserve you" he begged and I couldn't help myself, I could not say no, he was so sincere, I could feel it.

"Only if you promise to never separate me from my child, to force me to have an abortion or anything like this," I asked, looking into his eyes.

"I swear baby, never, there won't be any prenup bullshit between us, nothing, what's mine is yours, I'll marry you today, my love, fuck whoever has a different opinion on this. It's our business, none of them!" He said, making me chuckle.

"Well in that case yes. I don't mind a prenup for the money part but anything else is a straight NO from me…" I said, running my fingers through his soft hair as he puts the ring back on my finger, kissing it, before kissing my tummy, then getting up, smiling down at me, holding my hand in his much bigger ones, leaning down to kiss me, but I stopped him backing up a few steps until I was taller than him.

I then moved my hands to his shoulders, looking down at him "Now stay there and kiss me, Haaland, face my everyday struggle" I giggled.

He got on the tip of his toes to be able to kiss me, it was so weird to have the roles reversed, I couldn't help but laugh into the kiss.

"You're too far away, I need you closer," he said, pulling me gently.

"Erling!" I giggled as he lifted me up, putting my legs around his waist, and arms around his shoulders.

"We won't be able to do that much longer, with the baby bump in the way" I smiled down at him, I could feel the happiness radiating out of him, his eyes were sparkling and he smiled so big at me. His eyes were still teary, mine too but we were so happy.

We ended up making out in Olivia's hallway until she interrupted.

"I brought your bags, go have sex at yours, I've seen enough. Happy to see you guys have made up, congrats on the baby, but Erling, my man, I don't think you can put another one in at this moment, maybe wait for this one to be born" Olivia joked, she was blushing.

"Doesn't mean I can't try" he smirked, kissing my flushed cheek.

"Erling!" I hid my face in his neck.

"Come on, let's go home, my love," he said, reaching for the bags.

I tried to get down but he refused to let go of me "I have to use the bathroom real quick…" I blushed, I just couldn't help it, I have to pee 100 times per day lately.

"I'll miss you…" Erling whined, but put me down, kissing my forehead and squeezing my butt as he adjusted himself in his pants, but there was just so much he could hide.

Damn, I can't wait for it to be inside me. I thought while I have him a look, pretty sure he understood my thoughts, gulping as he squeezed himself.

"I must be in a porn movie, damn you guys! Keep it PG!" Olivia groaned and I felt my cheeks getting even warmer.

"Be back in a second!!" I run to the bathroom, doing my business before running back to find Erling and Olivia standing in the hallway, looking so damn awkward.

Erling took my coat and was using it to hide his problem while holding both my bags.

I took the coat from him, he helped me put it on and I thanked him with a kiss on the lips.

I put my shoes on and was about to leave when Olivia spoke "didn't know you finally got the pet snake you always wanted?"

"Pet snake, what are you on about? Erling hates snakes…?" I asked confused, not following up but Olivia gestured to Erling's very much tented pants and it finally clicked in my brain.

"Olivia!! That's the worst joke!" I facepalmed, blushing while I put myself between them to hide it from her.

It was for my eyes only, I should be the only one to see this "stop looking at my boy's cock, for God's sake, that's mine!" I said possessively, giving her a death stare.

She put her hands up "I can't just not look, it's out there! I can't unsee it now! I need to wash my eyes with bleach! Now go, out!" She groaned, pushing us both out.

"I love when you get this possessive of me… Turns me on so much, but don't worry my love, I'm all yours, it's all yours" he said, putting the bags in the back and helping me into the car before getting into the driver seat, taking my hand into his bigger one to bring it to his lips.

"I'm all yours too, just please don't pull something like this again… You really hurt me" I said.

"I swear I won't baby, you and our little angel come first, I'm going to be better for you, I swear. I'm going to be the best father for our baby and the best husband for my princess" he kissed my hand again, using the other hand to rub at my tummy.

I feel butterflies erupting in my tummy every time he touches it.

"I promise I'll be better too, I know I haven't been the best either, I'm not good with my feelings or dealing with emotions, but I'll get there, I swear, I'll try my best to be a good mommy for our little miracle and a good wife for you" I took to put my hand over his on my tummy, smiling down at it.

"You already are, it's me fucking everything up, you were protecting our baby, being the best mommy for our little one… The worst is that you had to protect our child from me, I'm supposed to be the one protecting you both…" he smiled sadly at me.

"You didn't know, it's my fault too, I should have talked to you instead of pushing you away and I put things out of context, I now know it wasn't you who requested all the horrible clauses, but I just, was so fucking afraid, it seemed like you wanted to protect yourself from the responsibility of having a child, and I thought that you would force me to have an abortion or force me out of their life… I know it's fucked up that I thought in such a way about you, but I couldn't help it…" I was crying by the time I was done as he hugged me, the best he could since the console was between us.

"It's not your fault baby, it's all me, I'm sorry for all I've put you through, but for what's worth, I never wished to include anything like that in the prenup, if we would had had one, I would not want to have such control over you. It's your body… It may be my baby but you're the one carrying it. And I would never ask you to have an abortion, ever, I want as many kids as possible with you. Can you imagine?! We could have a whole football team!" His eyes were sparkling as he grinned down at me.

"Erling that's 11 babies! I'm not going to give birth to 11 babies! Knowing your genes, they will be giant anyways…" I whined, nuzzling into his neck.

"Oh, I was thinking more like 15? You know so we have a few backups" he said nonchalantly, leaving me speechless.

"ERLING BRAUT HÅLAND! I'm not popping 15 children out of my vagina! Oh my God, 15 pregnancies, I don't even think that's possible!" I slapped his bicep as he laughed at me.

"Oh, don't worry, with a bit of luck we could have some twins or even triplets, you know I like scoring more than one goal, so triplets would be a hat-trick basically! It would be under 15 pregnancies!" He said cheerfully.

"What, no, Erling! I will kill you!" I slapped his bicep but he only laughed more, kissing my forehead before starting the car.

"We will see about that…"

Note:

As always, please leave a comment or message me, I love feedback! :)

Also if you have a prompt, please feel free to send it to me!

[yjano]

Who I am now?

Part 19.

Pairing: Jake x Mc.

Genre: Angst, comedy, dark romance.

Warnings: Strong language, angst scenes. 18+ content can be found.

Words: 6.2k

Author's note: This story contains mature topics and is not fully related to the duskwood game. A different parallel with different personalities. Thank you everyone for following and liking this! lly.♡

•

.

Mc focus.

.

"Alright, what's your question for me?" Nymos muttered, driving one-handedly as his other hand used a balled-up paper towel to clean up any traces of coca cola on his skin.

"I don't have anything in mind, to be honest." I coughed, adjusting my shirt. "Um, do you have any photographs on you of you and Jake when you were kids? Like the ones in your home?"

"...I'm giving you the most perfect opportunity for you to find out more about my brother through me but you just wanna waste the opportunity by looking at our baby photos?" Nymos tutted, shaking his head in disapproval, but still reaching inside his jacket pocket for his mobile phone.

"Like, I can tell you so many things about bro that he'll never bother to share with you. Things like the first time he had sex with someone. Wasn't a great experience for him I'm guessing since he accidentally knocked her out, because she squeezed his bud too hard. He woke me up at 3 am in the fucking morning and made me drive him home because his dick hurt too much to do it himself." Nymos concluded, laughing and handing his unlocked phone to me. I took it with my eyes widening at his words.

I glanced down at his phone screen to see I was in his photo album app, staring at a grainy photograph of young Jake and Kaden grinning so hard at the camera.

"Swipe right for more." Nymos smiled. I did that as he said, giggling at the next photo which happened to be of either a ten-year-old Jake or Kaden glaring viciously at the camera whilst being kitted out in a black turtleneck, black skinny jeans, several pieces of chunky silver jewelry, and boots studded with little spikes. Additionally, the boy's eyes were heavily lined with black, and his face was powdered a ghostly shade of white. In the background, I noticed an infuriated elderly lady lifting a sandal in the air, seeming to be in mid-warrior cry.

Nymos, noticing me laughing especially hard at this photo, grinned widely.

"Bro tried going to school like that one day but our grandma saw and beat his vampire-looking ass, telling him she wasn't gonna drive him to the hospital if he got heatstroke."

I laughed harder in reply, swiping right with my thumb to find yet another low-quality photograph of both the twins in their final year at high school, dressed in muddied football wear and looking a lot more like how they look now. Tanned by the sun, muscular, dark hair tousled, and wearing grins that left me a tad bit breathless.

Fuck, I bet they were super popular in high school. I wanted to send this specific photograph to my phone so I could privately drool over them in their red and black colored football uniform. I suppressed the urge to do so and instead forced myself to swipe right.

"Oh my god, oh my god! What is this?"

"Hmm?" Nymos took a peek at the photograph and grinned widely.

"Oh, those are my old high school nudes," He hummed, amusement evident in his voice as he studied the image depicted on his mobile phone screen.

"Man, I was tiny back then. Don't worry, I swear I'm way bigger now."

"Why would I fucking worry about your dick size?" I choked out, hurriedly throwing his phone back as if the phone casing could potentially burn a rectangular-shaped mark onto my palm.

"Because you know, you might think Jake's tiny too. Because we're identical twins." Nymos shrugged, chuckling. "Don't wanna have Jake hunting me down later for spreading false information about his dick size."

"Kaden, please stop talking."

"So it's your turn to ask a question now, screaming baby."

We've been playing twenty questions for quite a while now, probably passing the limit of twenty long ago.

I thought for a second, chewing contemplatively on my straw before glancing at Nymos.

"Why...Why did you believe Ikari instead of Lex and Jake?" I asked, almost kicking myself for my incapable brain-to-mouth filter because as soon as those words spilled out from my lips. I found myself wanting to swallow back a very single word.

But what happened? There was nothing I could do to redraw the flinch that Nymos reacted with.

"Damn, we're going for the big questions now, huh?" He coughed, and the hand that was not on the steering wheel reached upwards to cup the back of his neck as he laughed awkwardly. I thought that he might have a habit of touching his neck whenever he felt uncomfortable.

I cleared my throat now, looking down at the half-empty contents of my can of coke that I stirred silently with my straw.

"Um, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I mumbled, feeling like I crossed the line with my question.

"No, I'll tell you. It's just a question that people surprisingly haven't bothered to ask me," He replied quietly.

-a year and a half ago-

.

Nymos focus.

.

"Try not to hate me too much for making Lex work overtime on your birthday," Black shadow called over his shoulder as he walked away with a grin forming on his face when he heard me groan behind him.

"It's hard not to, fucker!" I yelled after him, watching the black shadow languidly draping his winter coat over his shoulders.

"But thanks for coming, bro." I grinned, lazily wiping the messily smeared buttercream icing off my cheek.

"We appreciate it."

"Of course, I'll come. You guys are family." He chuckled, walking towards the front door whilst reaching into the pockets of his coat in search of his lighter and the hand-sized box of cigarettes.

I was about to reply warmly back to my friend's statement when I was suddenly interrupted by someone flinging their entire, full weight into my side, throwing their heavy arms around me, and engulfing me whole in an overly tight bear hug.

My attention was immediately cast down on the mess in my arms.

"Kaden, your younger bro wishes you a happy birthday!" Jake exclaimed loudly against my neck as he clutched at my denim jacket. I almost instinctively wrapped my arms around my twin brother and laughed into his dark hair, responding with a muffled. "Happy birthday too, baby bro."

"No, happy birthday to you." Jake persisted in a croak before he started sniffling loudly and just as I had preconceived it, my baby brother broke down completely, sobbing and crying into my shoulder and weakly mumbling something along the lines of.

"Wish mom and dad were here to see us." And. "Fucking hell, aasshole, when did you get such a nice physique?"

Whilst Jake sobbed quietly and distractedly squeezed my left bicep, from his left, I heard Sam groans.

"Oh god, who the hell gave the sad drunk alcohol?"

"I'm not a sad drunk, asshole!" Jake protested tearfully, pulling away from me to glare at Sam through narrowed eyes before returning to my inviting arms and bawling like the sad drunk he is.

"Yeah, yeah, sure you aren't, dick." Sam smiled fondly, rolling his eyes when Jake mumbled a sequence of incomprehensible words directed at him. I, still laughing, comfortingly petted my baby brother's soft hair.

"Babe, come on, you're stifling Kaden." Ikari giggled, coming out from nowhere and resting her hand on Jake's back, patting him comfortingly.

The rather emotional Jake reluctantly shuffled away from me upon hearing Ikari's softly spoken words. But he doesn't let up at all on being a baby because the next thing he was doing, was crushing Ikari in a bear hug.

Making the startled, smaller girl stumble a few precarious steps backward as he tearfully choked out.

"I love you so so so much, Kari, you're the best."

Ikari, in reply, laughed softly, letting her emotional hulk of a boyfriend wrap his arms around her waist and draw her suffocatingly close to his chest.

"Love you." Jake hiccuped, "I love love love love you."

"Mm, I know you do," Is what she hummed to him as she reached up and soothingly ran her perfectly manicured fingers through Jake's tousled, jet-black locks. Glancing upwards, she met my warm eyes and she shivered under my gaze, smiling sweetly at me before mouthing.

"I'm gonna take him to the guest room and let him sleep it off. Is that okay?"

In response, I nodded and smiled gratefully at my baby brother's girlfriend before shifting my attention back onto a disgruntled Sam.

"There's something off about her today," Sam muttered, folding his arms over his chest as he followed Ikari's back with narrowed eyes.

"I mean, there's usually something off about her but today it's maximized a hundred times," Sam explained, flickering his calculative brown eyes onto me. "Hm, just be careful, Nym."

"Bro, you make it seem like she's a witch out to get me specifically." I laughed, shaking my head with disbelief.

"She is one," Sam muttered under his breath.

"Sam, Ikari's not gonna grow warts and green skin overnight and attack me in my sleep, okay? I think that is near impossible so stop worrying. She's a good person come on, you know that, you've seen her with Jake-she loves him with all her heart." I grinned, feeling happy about my baby brother's relationship.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Sam dismissed, relaxing his stance and shooting me a small smile. "Happy birthday, sexy, you've grown well."

"You've grown well and sexy? What the hell does that mean? Are you a simp for me? Lex's going to leak your nudes to the government if she finds out, and Asher is going to get jealous." I laughed, raising an eyebrow at Sam. He just simply smiled knowingly at me before glancing over his shoulder and calling his friend's name. Asher was currently strewn across my and Lex's couch, chugging down the celebratory vodka he had bought for me and Jake as a gift.

"Ash, for god's sake, quit drinking already. I don't wanna have to spend all night holding back your bangs whilst you throw up," Sam groaned out loud as he walked away from me and towards Asher who giggled at Sam, not-so-discreetly tucking the bottle of alcohol behind his back and chugging some more.

I tore my attention off the 'couple' when a small "ding!" emanated from the phone in my palm, indicating that I'd got a notification. Glancing down at my phone, I smiled at the instant heartwarming message sent to me by Lex.

Baby L.

I might've missed out on your birthday party but I'm determined! To! Finish! Hacking this godamn database within an hour so we can celebrate your birthday a little before midnight comes. ;) Save me some birthday cake and alcohol if the dickwhores haven't downed it already!

Baby L.

So see you in an hour! I love you, my dumb idiot. <3

Baby L.

Oh and if Jake's still there at the apartment, tell him I said happy birthday and I love him lots and that his birthday gift's in the back of our wardrobe!

I pocketed my phone, smiling at my petite girlfriend's message. I was still smiling to myself like an idiot when I waved goodbye to an annoyed Sam and his bumbling drunk of a friend or boyfriend, we will never know. I was still smiling when I locked the door after them and moved to my hideously untidy kitchenette, fumbling around with the now-empty takeaway boxes of greasy pizza and the stray, half-melted candles decorating the kitchen countertops.

"Hey, there."

I glanced upwards at the sound of Ikari's greeting, offering her a small smile.

"Is Jake asleep?"

"Mhm," She reassured, "He's off to dreamland and snoring the entire way."

"Yeah?" I chuckled, heading towards the kitchen's bin and dumping the pizza boxes by its side, setting it as a reminder for me to take the trash out tomorrow morning. Remembering her presence I glanced back up at her.

"Oh hey, if you're tired, feel free to stay the night here with Jake. There's no need for you to make the journey back to yours so late at night."

"Thanks." Ikari grinned.

"No worries."

"Oh, and, Kaden, honey? You're not meant to clean up on your birthday," She hummed disapprovingly, shaking her head as she fully walked into the kitchenette's small space, her cream-colored heels click-clacked against the tiled marble floor.

"It's the unwritten rule." She laughingly announced as she strode over to the steel beast of a refrigerator, opening the appliance up and procuring more of Asher's celebratory iced vodka. Her neatly painted, red fingernails encompassed the glass neck of the bottle, its hand waving the said item tauntingly at me.

"I don't think that rule applies to the boyfriend of my beautiful baby Lex," I chuckled to myself, rolling up the sleeves of my thrasher hoodie and dutifully resuming my self-assigned task of cleaning the kitchen.

"Better to clean this all up than have my baby whining my ear off tomorrow."

"Oh, I'm sure Lex could let this pass," Ikari assured, walking towards the kitchen island where I was situated and she leaned against the polished counter.

"Come on birthday boy, I haven't seen you drink at all during the party." Ikari coaxed. Softly, settling the bottle of vodka down on the countertop with a pleasant 'clink'.

In reply, I raised a dark eyebrow at her persistency-to which she fluttered her eyelashes in response, smiling innocently.

"I really shouldn't-"

"Have one sip as least."

I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Just one sip?"

"Just one sip." Ikari agreed, handing me the bottle of alcohol for me to pop open. I did it with a soft sigh before lifting the opened bottle to my lips, tipping my head back, and swallowing more iced alcohol than just a mere sip.

"Thanks, Ari, but I think I should finish up on-"

"Come on, Kaden," Ikari drawled, gazing at me through her lashes, "Don't make me drink all this by myself."

-present-

"Next thing I know I'm in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and my friends and family fucking hate me." I sighed, almost tiredly. I glanced at Mc, "Screaming baby, I never intended to drink that much, and I never intended to do anything with Ikari. That night, I had no fucking clue what I was doing, I wasn't moving off my own accord. The selfish bitch just kept pouring alcohol down my throat until I was so fucked I could barely think."

"For fucks sake, I didn't even realize, she had drugged me and manipulated me into her selfish game. I broke my brother's and Lex's hearts. But the worst thing is she had recorded something when I was unconscious, and she pretended that I was harassing her. She told me everything when visited me in the hospital and told me she'll post the video online if I tell Lex and Jake the truth."

"God she's so fucking disgusting," Mc stated quietly. She looked up at me. "Why haven't you tried to talk with them still?"

"As soon as I was discharged from the hospital, I tried to meet up with Jake and explain what'd happened but he didn't let me speak, didn't even bother opening the door when I went around to his apartment. And then Black shadow who took Lex in didn't allow me to speak to her. All of our friends stopped talking to me after they found out what I 'did' with Ikari. I didn't have anyone apart from fucking Sam who kept staying over at mine. Yeah, he's the only one who knew the truth and kept it to himself when I begged him to. I was an idiot, I should've found a way to tell them. Now they're just hating me."

"You're not an idiot. You were alone and hurt. I knew you weren't the bad guy and Ikari was the bitch in your story."

I looked momentarily startled by her words. I wasn't expecting Mc to believe my words so easily let alone console me.

"And Kaden," Mc mumbled, gnawing on her lower lip, "You didn't give consent. So what Ikari did to you is sexual assault. You, you need to explain this to Jake and-"

.

Mc focus.

.

"I know what she did," Nymos mumbled and I noticed his blunt nails digging into the soft leather of the steering wheel as he spoke softly.

"But I'm not gonna file a complaint because it's kinda unfair, don't you think? Me getting her charged with sexual assault when I've done so much worse? Screaming baby, for god's sake, I once worked for a fucking human trafficking ring when I was eighteen."

Swallowing hard, I looked away from him at that, feeling so fucking angered, disgusted even, by what he just claimed. Looking plenty disgusted himself, Nymos continued speaking with his nails burrowing crescents into the leather of the steering wheel.

"And, I've already thought about explaining it to Jake or Lex but after really thinking it through. I've decided not to tell them because I despise nonconsensual sex, and I don't even remember what I told them that night, yeah. But in a way, I've still cheated on my baby bro and Lex. It's, it's just pointless now to explain my situation back then and try to win them back. It's been a year and I don't want to open the old wound I caused especially to Lex."

I didn't reply to his words and Nymos made no effort in trying to change my response from me. We both sat in the car in heavy silence and air too thick to breathe in without feeling suffocated.

Isa's passive-aggressive growls can't even mask the tension within the car as she was sleeping peacefully in her carrier.

"Do you, do you love her?" I asked quietly.

"Yes," Nymos replied firmly without a second thought.

"Then why aren't you still with her? Why are you not trying to win her back?" I asked simplistically, staring at his side profile as he was driving. "Win her back already and make amends with your friends."

"It's-" Nymos sighed, "It's not that easy, screaming baby."

"You make it sound like Lex is nothing to you anymore. But she's indeed your life support." I turned away, mumbling, "Maybe she's mad and hurt but I know that she loves you too, she even trusted you with her pup."

Nymos didn't say anything for a few seconds and again, I didn't press him for a response. I rested my head against the headrest of my seat and stared out of my window at the scenery flitting by until Nymos spoke up.

"... I know that she loves me. But I am bad for her." Nymos murmured, not looking at me but keeping his eyes on the road ahead. "That's why I keep my distance from her. I pretend to be playful and we end up having one-night stands and all. I'd rather suffer instead of hurt her."

Furrowing my brows, I swiveled my head to face Nymos.

"What?

He sighed.

"I'm not a good person, screaming baby. I'm a bad guy, and bad guys never get the good things they don't deserve it. It's practically a written rule that they should never get the girl, or in this case, Lex. They don't get good friends or a nice, easy life. I don't deserve to have Jake or Lex, I deserve nothing, of course, I try to stick by them but-. Do you..." He exhaled tiredly, "Do you get what I'm trying to say?"

I narrowed my eyes at him.

"That has got to be the most idiotic ideology I've ever heard in my entire life."

Nymos frowned at my strong words.

"Screaming baby, I-"

"Yeah, you're a bad guy. But so is Jake. He does bad things for a living, but that doesn't stop me from loving him, does it? Kaden," I exhaled, "Love has no bounds." I started almost fiercely. "Just because you're bad, it doesn't mean you can't love and be loved."

He didn't say anything in response.

The two of us were quiet after that. He was driving silently and I was resting my elbow on the ledge of the window, cupping my palm and staring past the glass. The radio was still on, playing so softly that it was not soon before it lulled me to sleep.

.

Nymos focus.

.

I noticed her head tilting forwards and jerking back suddenly with her bleary eyes blinking in bewilderment at her surroundings before closing once more.

"Screaming baby, if you wanna lie down, you can sleep in the back with the rabid bitch." I suggested.

"I'm okay," It was what Mc replied softly but made no movement to climb into the back. I quirked an eyebrow at this but let her doze off, not bothering to wake her up.

Five minutes later, whilst in traffic, I reached into the back for my denim jacket that lied across the seats and picked it up, balling the item into a makeshift pillow for Mc to use. Unbuckling my seat belt, I leaned over to cup Mc's cheek, lifting her head slightly to shuffle my denim jacket under before letting her go.

I smiled when I noticed Mc cozying up to my makeshift pillow. Drawing the seatbelt over myself, I turned away, still smiling.

"Thanks screaming baby. Thanks for believing me." I murmured.

Isa decided to wake up at that moment, immediately starting her bout of incessant growling. I rolled my eyes and replied to her.

"Oh, fuck off."

.

Mc focus.

.

I stirred in my sleep at loud laughter coming from my left, the sound of persistently loud chatter made me reluctantly open my eyes and blearily study my surroundings.

Isa yippee excitedly behind me, causing me to tear my gaze away from the denim jacket sitting on my lap as a crumpled mess, at Isa's little barks. I looked over my shoulder to see the small pup looking up at me expectantly, pink tongue lolling out of her mouth.

I was surprised, to say the least when she started whining, nudging at the latch of her pet carrier dejectedly-so dejectedly, it pulled at my heartstrings and I immediately found myself reaching for the latch. I stopped myself short though, remembering this morning when she looked like she wanted to dismember me.

Isa whined again making me feel conflicted.

"Please don't bite my fingers off." I finally said, sighing before reaching for the pet carrier with shaky hands, unlatching it slowly, and allowing the pup to gingerly nose the front open. Delighted, she barked in what presumed its joy. Cute.

"Hey," I peered to my right when I heard Nymos by the car door opening. I sleepily watched him slide into the driver's seat, a packet of strawberry laces in his hand which he soon proffered to me.

Still half-asleep, I took the packet and simply held it in my hand, yawning.

"Are we nearly at my angry bird place?" I murmured, finally looking out of the window to see that we were currently parked at a busy petrol station and the cacophony that had woken me up and the smell of petrol that I now wrinkled my nose at. I wasn't one of those people who liked the smell of petrol.

"Yeah, we'll be at his in around thirty minutes." He hummed nonchalantly.

I, suddenly awakened, swiveling my head around to face Nymos with my eyes widened and jaw slackened with surprise.

"What? Thirty minutes?"

"Yeah, it's-"

Isa barked at Nymos. He glanced at the pup through the rearview mirror and immediately sharply inhaled at the sight of her proudly parading around atop the backseats of his car.

"Who the hell let the rabid bitch out?"

"I did," I muttered, distracted with tearing open my packet of strawberry laces, "She looked sad."

"Oh god, oh god, don't make eye contact with her," Nymos told to himself, "Don't make eye contact. Making eye contact with her is like challenging her to pee all over the seats. Or worse she's gonna claw the leather upholstery apart-"

"She seems sorta sweet," I said, chewing on a strawberry lace. "Come here, isa," I said, setting my gifted confectionary down on my lap and reaching carefully for the elated ball of caramel-colored fluff that practically jumped into my arms.

Giggling, I pulled her close to my chest before turning around to beam at scared Nymos.

"Fuck, screaming baby. She turned you over to the dark side-"

I burrowed my cheek against her soft fur and rolled my eyes at his words.

"Oh, don't be dramatic, Kaden."

Isa glanced up then and Nymos could swear the puppy was smirking at him.

Thirty minutes passed by in a flash.

Panicked I scarf down my strawberry laces, hurriedly shoveling them into my mouth and only slightly choking on them. I dismissed the concerned expression Nymos was wearing on his face when he glances over at me.

I climbed haphazardly into the back, taking isa with me and settling in the back seats with her. Nymos frowned at me through the rearview mirror, wordlessly questioning my actions with furrowed brows.

Completely oblivious to his quizzical eyes on me. I set isa on the leather seat beside me and once she was comfortable, I moved quickly to work on my appearance. I re-tucked my white tee back under the waistband of my jeans, throwing it atop the striped sweater I'd taken off earlier when it got too stuffy in the car, and carefully retied the laces of my sneakers.

I felt a little shy though when I unzipped my backpack and draw out my small vanity bag-feeling a tad bit self-conscious about the possibility of Nymos playfully teasing me for trying to look my best for Jake. But all Nymos said when I applied my moisturizing face cream was.

"Damn, that smells like fucking roses."

I smiled at his words.

Satisfied with my efforts, I climbed back into the passenger seat, not bothering to take isa this time as she was too busy gnawing away at one of the seatbelts much to Nymos' chagrin.

I draw my seatbelt over my chest, settling against the leather upholstery and sigh softly as my lidded eyes study the slow sunset taking place outside, the grey winter sky now consumed with soft pinks and delicate purples that had me smiling subconsciously.

"Excited?" Nymos asked, smiling.

"Mhm. Nervous too."

"I'm excited too," Nymos grinned. "I don't have to deal with you and Jake moping around me anymore."

"Oh, shut up," I laughed. "I know you've enjoyed this."

"I have, I have." Nymos agreed, chuckling.

I started biting my nails distractedly, staring at the sunset absconding behind silhouetted skyscrapers that tower overhead, resembling large, black, ugly shapes. I swallowed nervously.

Nauseating nerves overwhelmed me, easily outweighed my excitement from before.

I feared I was going to throw up. There are two minutes left.

There is one-

"Alright, we're here."

"What?" I choked out, straightening up in my seat and watching Nymos unbuckle his seatbelt with a grin on his face.

Busy with overthinking the idea of Jake casting me away with a look of distaste and a new partner on his arm, I hadn't even realized Nymos had pulled up to a six-story apartment that exuded the amount of wealth invested into the building.

What was stunning about the apartment was its sleek, smoked glass that covered a good two-thirds of the entirety of the building, the glass easily reflecting the city's bright lights and creating a kaleidoscopic effect of a thousand differently colored lights playing on the glass.

"Oh fuck," I cursed, turning away to face Nymos who already had opened his car door, slipping out without a word to me.

Panicking, I hurriedly opened my door and stumbled out, swearing under my breath when I nearly tripped over my own feet.

"Fuck, fuck. Kaden, I can't do this." I breathed, locking eyes with Nymos over the roof of the car.

"Yes, you can, screaming baby," Nymos replied, leaving his car door slightly to check on isa.

"But, I- Wait! How do I punch someone?"

Nymos quirked an unimpressed eyebrow at me.

"Is this necessary to know right now?"

"I swear this is necessary." I quickly said, resulting in Nymos. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Make a fist like this- Not with your thumb tucked away, okay? Because, like  I don't know? Some bad shit could happen to your thumb?" Nymos sighed sounding resigned.

"Screaming baby, you really shouldn't ask me this since I've dislocated my thumbs, fractured my hands, and bruised up my fingers way too many times to count."

I was oblivious to his warning and only focused on balling my hand into a fist like how he had demonstrated it. Nymos rolled his eyes at this.

"Alright. You practice, making a fist while I call up Jake and make sure he's at home."

"Wait, what?" I halted my ministrations, frowning at Nymos. "You drove us out here and you don't even know if he's at home??"

"He will be, he will be. Don't worry."

.

Jake focus.

.

I regretted not bringing my leather jacket with me to the convenience store opposite my apartment complex. Because now I was shivering in the winter weather, my nose and cheeks colored a soft red courtesy of the wind.

I sighed at my stupidity, lifting my lit cigarette to my mouth, inhaling the grey tendrils that creep down my throat and burn in its wake, at least now I had my cheap cigarettes to warm me.

Exhaling softly, I crossed the road, haphazardly. Ignoring the angered drivers I left behind, pressing their horns aggressively and spitting harsh insults in my direction. I didn't bother replying, just lifted my cigarette to my mouth and breathed in its dangerous fumes, continuing walking.

I was in one of those moods. One where you're oblivious not passive to almost everything. You just don't care about anything. I didn't care for the winter weather biting my fingertips numb. I didn't care for reporting that twelve-year-old kid who stole a packet of strawberry-flavored bubble gum. I didn't care what brand of cigarettes I wanted to smoke. I didn't care now for the crude words a middle-aged man threw at me from his cruddy-looking ford fiesta.

I continued walking, walking down the pavement towards my apartment complex, smoking my cigarette distracted. However soon I was broken away from the trance I seemed to have fallen into when my phone vibrated quietly in my pocket.

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I swiped a thumb over the damaged screen. Courtesy of when I was in one of those moods, angry, frustrated, and desperately needing an outlet to vent my rage into. I placed my phone against my ear, listening and smoking.

"Hey, bro? Are you at home right now?"

Nymos said at once, almost excitedly. Rolling my eyes at the realization that Nymos was calling me. I sighed, replying with.

"Why do you wanna know? Are you coming over again with another one of your shitty mixtapes?"

"Shitty? Excuse me, you fucking love that mixtape, and no. Unfortunately for you, I'm not here with another one of those mixtapes."

"Then why the fuck are you coming over?" I grunted, stepping into the private parking lot allocated beside my apartment complex, walking past parked cars, and smoking.

"Wow, I'm hurt. Can I not visit my favorite brother without an ulterior motive?"

"First of all, you only have one brother, fuckass."

"And that's you! What a lucky boy."

"Kaden, I'm not in the mood to deal with you today so-"

"But I brought you something!"

"If it's not food, you're not coming in."

"Well... I guess you could consider it to be food."

"What the fuck does that mean?" I snorted.

"Because you could eat her between her le-Ow! What the fuck, screaming baby?"

I frowned, hearing indistinct, angry muttering over the phone but waited impatiently for Nymos to return to our conversation. Whilst waiting, I placed my cigarette between my lips, using my now free hand to run it through my tousled hair. Contemplating distractedly whether or not I should cut my overgrown mess of hair.

"Sorry, so sorry about that." Nymos wheezed, sounding ready to burst into a bout of laughter. I raised an unimpressed eyebrow despite him not being able to see me.

"Kaden, if you've seriously bought me a prostitute, I'm gonna-"

"Hahahaha, he thinks you're a prostitute-Ow! Fuck! Screaming baby quit it!" More angry muttering ensued, causing me to sigh. I was tired already of this conversation.

"Kaden, I'm hanging up."

"No, bro wait! I gotta- Hey, is that you?"

"Huh?" I frowned, glancing at my surroundings but I was utterly unable to identify if there was anyone around what with the weak, artificial light of the streetlamps limiting my sight to only my nearby surroundings.

"Shit, hold on." With that, Nymos hung up abruptly, without another word.

Furrowing my brow at the rather crude conversation I just had with my twin brother, I slid my phone back into my jeans pocket and with a sigh, I dropped my cigarette to the cemented ground below, purposefully crushing the cigarette to a stub underfoot.

I walked my way towards the entrance of my apartment, praying that there wasn't a- God save Nymos if more than one prostitute was warming my bed for tonight.

Shaking my head at the rather absurd thought, I was about to climb up the few steps leading up to the entrance of the building when someone timidly tapped me on the back, causing me to glance over my shoulder and- And abruptly get hit in the face by a fist.

Somewhere to the far left of me, I swore I could hear Nymos choke out an

"Oh, shit!"

Almost at once, pain pulsated throughout my nose, causing me to cry out, alarmed. Stumbling back and nearly tripping on the steps behind me, instinctively, my hands fly to my face, protectively cupping my nose, seething with both blinding pain and rage.

Who the hell dares to attack someone from behind? A coward, that's who.

My eyes blazed with fury, I looked upwards with pure anger thrumming through my veins, looking ready to swing my fist at my attacker when-

"Mc?" I breathed, with my eyes widening.

Mc fucking Estrada was standing a couple of steps before me with her tiny balled-up hands trembling by her sides, her shoulders were shaking with sobs she failed to suppress and her eyes were shiny with tears. That fell steadfastly down her cheeks, staining them. My breath instantaneously got caught in my throat.

"M-Mc? What-What the?" I choked out, all of sudden incapable of making eligible sentences for myself. Out of shock, my hands fell from my face, causing Mc tearfully wince at my now bloodied nose.

"Y-you! You were supposed to come back for me, you asshole!" Mc cried out, "Y-you were supposed to come back! I waited so many months for you!"

"Mc, fuck. Mc, I'm so- I'm so sorry." I breathed with tears prickling my eyes, "I'm so sorry for leaving you alone. I- fuck, I'm sorry. So sorry, baby."

Mc cried harder at my words, stumbling blindly towards me and reaching out for me. Her hands found purchase on my white tee and used her grasp on the soft cotton. Mc drew herself into my inviting arms. I wrapped my arms around her almost instinctively.

Now, I almost sobbed when I ducked my head slightly, burying my face in the junction of Mc's shoulder and inhaling vanilla and freshly washed cotton sheets. A scent I've missed sorely over these past few months.

"Fuck, baby. I missed you so much." I croaked out with tears falling freely from my eyes.

"I missed you too, angry bird."

I can't tell if I was laughing or crying at her words but I pulled away from her neck a little reluctantly though and lifted a hand to Mc's cheek. Cradling my face when I caught her tears with my thumb.

"Sorry for punching you on the nose." Mc breathed out shakily, her eyes flickered downwards with evident embarrassment on her face.

I chuckled softly in reply, tilting Mc's chin upwards so I could meet her gaze.

"It's okay, baby. I deserved it."

"Hmm," Mc nestled her head against my neck, finding relief in my touch and the slight warmth I emanated. I murmured something softly in her ear and noticed in the corner of my eye, Nymos leaning against the side of his car with arms folded over his chest and smiling at the two fondly.

I had caught his eye and mouthed a "Thank you. Thank you so much." To him. He simply chuckled to himself, shaking his head slightly when Mc started crying again.

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

[miaoie]

entry 01 - 230506

addressed to you

Hey there, my solace.

I'm really grateful for the conversation we had last night. I feel a lot better now. I feel like I am finally ready to move on and be genuinely happy for you, because I wasn't able to do that. I don't even know why, but I couldn't bring myself to be happy for you because although you have given me everything you could give that time, I still felt like you were depriving me of something; a closure. I couldn't do that before. I held a grudge. It felt like it was so sudden and rushed. I didn't like how it ended. I feel like I was still hanging in midair when you raised me up so high and mighty; and when you decided to end it, I couldn't get back down safely.

It took me what felt like almost half a year to finally realize that the only one who could get me down safely is the one who put me high in the first place. It sucks seeing how dependent I am towards you even without being part of each other's life. It's weird.

Now that we've had what I could say was the most awaited conversation, I feel like I'm ready to move on. If we ever become friends again during research, go. If we ever become classmates again, go. If we ever meet in upd, go.  Whatever it is that the circumstances decide for us, go. If anything, I actually want you back in my life as whatever, but that's not happening anytime soon because I don't think I can, so I'm gonna leave it to fate and the universe.

'Til the next time, friend. Do great things okay?  

- weeyuh

That day, May 6th, was the scheduled date for the release of my test permit for UPCAT; the most popular college entrance exam in my country. UP or University of the Philippines is like the biggest and the most prestigious state university in my country with, I think, second quality education next to ADMU. Which is why applicants this year reached over 100,000 countrywide. 

Personally, UP wasn't on my list. I was actually aiming for Ateneo or Letran, but since this year was the schedule of UPCAT for my batch, I also took the chance 'cause why not? My best friend, Sofia Anne, was actually the one who persuaded me. Probably because UP is her dream university.  If I remember it correctly, she has been working on her academic performance to pursue the Doctor of Veterinary Medicine program in UP ever since. She told me that I should try and take the opportunity, and so I did. I submitted my Form 1 on the official website of the UP admissions and finally got my schedule for the test permit. May 6th. 

The two days before that were actually interesting. I remember crying on the night of May 4th because I was reminded of that conversation we had about pasta. You learned that I don't eat carbonara, and so you kind of crossed that out of the list of dishes you said you were going to cook for me. I was crying that night because I finally changed my mind about carbonara. I like it now and regardless, I won't get to taste your recipe. I was sad because it felt like I was changing, turning into someone you don't know anymore. That change kind of scared me because from strangers with memories, we'd just be only strangers when that happens. 

Weeks before that night, I was relapsing countless times. I couldn't stop myself from crying and hurting about the thought of you still caring about me when I have over-villainized you post-breakup. I learned through Sean that you miss our circle of friends, and that you have accepted whatever it is that I'll put you through. You understood that you've hurt me and validated me. That thought bothered me because I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction, but knowing you, it makes sense. I pitied myself during those relapses and made a deal with myself that if I ever relapse again, I will finally approach you for closure. I did.

I messaged you 6 paragraphs of all of my questions, pain, anger, confusion, and whatever else included on May 5th at 3 in the morning. Then, I slept. I woke up at 7am that morning. I only had 4 hours of sleep, but it felt like enough. I checked my phone and saw that you've sent your reply. I clicked on it and although my eyes weren't fully awake, I was able to comprehend what you said. You said you were sorry. You explained it really well how you really didn't mean to hurt me, how you admitted that you were selfish and insensitive that time, and how those gestures you did were with pure love and intention and not a cover-up or a compensation of what you were about to do. I cried. I cried at the thought of you loving me truly. It hurt me more how we couldn't be together because of your sexual preference and made me angry at the universe for letting this happen. All in all, I guess at least I experienced my happiest and my most loved moments with you.

After that day, it was finally the release of my test permit. At that point, I've re-read your message almost ten times already. I was making sure I was comprehending it correctly; I was, thankfully. I finally accepted it. I have finally accepted what the circumstances decide for us because I remember you saying you want to pursue Chemical Engineering in UP and if I'm not mistaken, that program is available in Diliman Campus. It occurred to me that there might be a possibility that we'd meet there in UPD because that campus offers my dream program which is Psychology. And if that's what fate plans for us, go. 

I was facing the day like the new version of myself. I saw the journey to UPD as an opportunity to change my perspective and finally heal; 'soul cleansing'. It was like my vacation in Boracay back in 2022 where I went through new experiences that old me wouldn't be able to survive. I don't know why but roaming around unfamiliar yet safe places gives me clarity. And since I'm not yet familiar with commuting from Pacita to Quezon City, I was able to convince Pia to accompany me.  

The bus trip from Pacita to Taft took about 30-45 mins. It was like an accidental catch-up with Pia because we were both busy with me on research and her on both research and review center. I remember her telling something about how chaotic her day was with our other friends when it was their turn to claim their test permit in UPD. They then went straight to MOA and tried the extreme rides there. I could see that they really enjoyed the day because when she was telling me about it, she was talking in high pitch and at a pace that you'd need multiple breaths. It was fun. They had fun and I could see that. 

"'Yung closure lang 'yung interesting na nangyari sakin kahapon eh," I told her when she paused her story because we were about to get on the train. As soon as I uttered those words, I could already tell that she was interested. She has been the goat, the witness of my ups and downs including that relationship with you. She witnessed every cry, every 'ang sakit', every 'miss ko na s'ya'  , every 'bakit kasi ganun?' from me. She knew how important this was for me.  

"Mamaya mo ikwento sa picnic para sulit," she said as the train stopped in front of us. We boarded. We took LRT1, MRT, and LRT2 'til we reached the jeep terminal that goes straight inside the heart of UPD.  

During our jeepney ride, a thought came to me and told Pia about it. "Siguro, kung 'di kami natapos, kaming tatlo ni Marco at Jat magkasama ngayon. I prolly wouldn't be here with you," I said. I mentioned your best friend because I got the knowledge that we have the same schedule. The thought of us going to UPD together just randomly popped into my head. The closure was still fresh, that's why my mind just wandered off on the thought of you.  

After a few minutes, we finally reached the admissions building of UPD. This was it—the reason behind my journey to UPD, Quezon City—the UP office of admissions. I went to the queue that led to the inside of the building. Pia left me alone and headed for the waiting area since companies weren't allowed inside. I was honestly impressed by the process because it was well-organized in a circular manner. I went into the backside of the building, and got out in front. It was also an easy and quick process. I didn't wait too long for my permit. After a few minutes, my name got called, and I was able to claim my permit that fast. 

 Once I exited the building, I was looking around for Pia. I wasn't able to understand her when she told me where she was going to stay to wait for me. So I looked around in search of a tall skinny wolf cut-haired woman with glasses. I was kind of panicking that I didn't see her anywhere, so I checked my phone and tried to contact her. I forgot to take notice of the poor signal there in UPD, so I put down my phone and once again looked around. What I wasn't expecting to find was you. 

There you were, I found you. I found you, Rian, and Jat. You were exactly in the situation I told Pia in our jeepney ride. I actually couldn't believe this happened.  You pointed at me. Why the heck would you point at me? Jat, then, took notice of my presence. You three all waved at me. I waved back embarrassingly. Fuck, I need to get out of here. Pia, nasaan ka na ba? I thought when I immediately panged my attention to my phone after our tiny exchange. When I looked up at your direction, I saw you whispering to yourselves and began to walk closer. FUUUCKKK!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! STAY BACK!! My mind started going into frantic mode. I didn't know how to fucking act. We just talked last night—LAST NIGHT! I still have to work on myself. I still have to be okay with whatever it is that will get us to interact someday. I still have to accept what's now and change my whole perspective on us. Fuck, I wasn't ready to face you after the conversation we had last night. Fuck!!! When you all started getting closer, I began to walk as well. 

I headed for the start of the queue in hopes of the sight of Pia. Then, I was approached by kids who were looking for the owner of the lost flask they found. I told them I didn't know and I didn't lose one. If I did, they sure weren't the right guys who found it because the flask they were holding was yellowish gold in color while mine was dark blue with stickers all over it. When they started to head for the direction I was facing to ask another soon-to-be upcat taker, Pia called out my name.

I was so fucking relieved that I heard her voice. I turned around and headed towards her direction. Then to my hyperbolic horror, I saw you three again walking towards my direction. Oh my effing gosh! There really isn't a way to avoid you, is there? I bowed my head down when y'all were getting close. When we got to a really close proximity, only Jat waved at me once again and exchanged a 'hi' with me.

After that exchange, I immediately ran to Pia. "Gagi, andito sina Marco. Nakita mo ba?" I informed her. She told me no, and asked about what happened. I told her about the whole interaction, what I felt, and what I thought about it in consideration of the random what-if scenario I told her about during our jeepney ride. What the fuck just happened? 

We then headed to the picnic spot she was telling me about. I then prepared the mantel and lunch I brought. We had our Saturday classes there. Although there are a lot of things I could focus on that day, my mind kept bringing me back to what happened earlier—you. I spent my whole afternoon thinking why it happened, what its purpose was, & what lesson was it trying to teach me. I couldn't stop myself telling Pia every single little thought that popped into my head related to that interaction that day.

I couldn't believe that my tweet came true that if we ever meet in upd, I'll let it happen. Oh my gosh though, why must it happen so fast? I'm still so confused. Destiny is a funny thing and that day, it felt like I was the butt of its joke. 

I think that's all you need to know about what had happened to me that day. I'm curious about yours too, but don't tell me about it. I don't need to know. 

[hisadoringkitten]

It's been 1 month today since I offered myself to you...

I never realized quite how impressive you are until I was yours. I mean, I knew you were sexy, that you did a lot professionally, that we had a lot in common, and that our wants and needs and interests were near perfectly aligned. I knew we were a great match. I did not know how deeply insightful and thoughtful you would be when it came to my personal development. I was not prepared for the level of control you would exert in my life, and I could not be happier for it.

I have grown more as a person in the last month than I have in years, and it's all thanks to you. So much of it is stupid little things like having my own bank account, making my own decision about how my tax return is spent, or saying no to unwanted physical affection... things I should have had all along. You have not yet asked anything of me that was even particularly difficult in that regard. You've taught me so much about myself and what I'm capable of, how to look critically at my life, and how to solve the problems I find when I do.

Today, you gave me a crash course on the stock market and making small investments. I probably never would have asked, but you're making your moves to improve my life and quality of living every day. Your guidance is a big part of your love language, and it's unlike anything I've ever could have dreamed. You are fixing my life, my insecurities, my mental health, my career, my social life... simultaneously. You're even giving me parenting advice when I get overwhelmed with the kids. Under your care and guidance, I can't wait to see what my life looks like in a year, in 5...

Yesterday morning was so hard with you leaving after our first date, but then, you talked me through every bit of it. You navigate my fears and turmoil with an ease and logic that... I can't help but admire. Even upset and scared and way in my own head, crying on the phone to you, you eased every fear, talked me through it all, and made me feel so much better. Could you be more perfect?

So thank you Sir, for all of the help and care and time you've poured into me. I was not prepared for you to amaze me like you do, and I cannot wait for more.

[annieintheaair]

Oh God, don't take these beautiful things that I've got

Healing can take a really long time. They say that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. When Dan and I broke up the final time, I didn't even consider dating for years. I focused on my career and where I might want to live and didn't think twice about the fact that I wasn't dating at all. I didn't even try to meet people. It was during that time that I became this truly independent, strong person. I realized that I would never be with anyone unless they were adding to my life because I was perfectly content on my own, and I still am.

Even though I moved on with my life, I never fully got over Dan until I moved to Boston. On Presidents Day, 2013, I got a Zipcar and drove to Wrentham to do some shopping at my favorite outlets. Wrentham isn't that far from Providence so Dan had texted me all day asking to meet up. I debated it, literally all day. Eventually, I gave in and drove down and met up with him. He ended up coming back to Boston with me for the night. When it was time to lie down and go to sleep, his phone rang, and he answered it. The girl he left me for, Lindsay, was on the phone. I didn't really know for sure until then that they were together and listening to him on the phone with her made me shut down completely. I might not remember it with 100% accuracy because it was such an awful night that I tried to forget it but I think he hung up saying, "Goodnight. I love you" and that's when I realized that love was a lie.

I refused to talk to him anymore that night. We went to sleep and he left the next day. I never saw him again until right before Thanksgiving 2019 when I was in Providence on a layover for work. We spent the day walking around in the cold city, eating breakfast at our favorite spot, Brickway, strolling the mall, seeing a movie (we saw Last Christmas, which if you've seen it, is a little ironic that that was the last movie we ever saw together), and just talking. I remember seeing him that morning when he arrived and he was wearing baggy clothes and looked like a mess. It turned me off. I thought, "I'm totally over this guy."

When the day was over and it was raining, Dan asked if he could stay for a bit and come watch a movie with me in my hotel room. I told him no and sent him away. When he left, he messaged me that he wished I would have let him stay. He always had such a grip on my heart that I felt bad telling him no and for a while, I debated if I made the right choice. At the time, I told myself that I did, but when he passed away less than 3 years later, I thought back on that day, and believe me, I would have given anything to rewind time and tell him to come in and watch a movie with me. Even just five more minutes with him would have made me feel like I did something right.

Less than 8 months later, I met James. On our first date, I thought, "Wow, I could talk to this guy forever." We had an instant connection. I felt like we had a lot in common and he had this softness about him. I fell hard and fast for him. Since COVID was going on, he basically moved in with me and it was nice at first because I didn't feel so lonely anymore. He hadn't even been gone for 24 hours when I found out I had shingles and he jumped on the next flight to get back to me to take care of me.

James had a lot of great qualities and our ending was sudden and unexpected, in some ways. I don't think I've ever cried so hard about a breakup, even with Dan. Weeks before our breakup, we were drinking bottomless Nutcrackers (it's basically a White Russian) at the bowling alley when we went back to his apartment in Wyoming and we both just lost it. It wasn't a fight but we were both crying. Deep down, I knew then that it was over but we held on for a few more weeks and broke up the day after Christmas. I struggled to work for weeks because I could barely see through my tears. I remember laying on the floor of my house just bawling my eyes out and screaming. I felt like I'd never feel whole again. It was a breakup that I didn't understand at all, and still don't. I've come to accept that it's something I'll probably never understand but I think that's why it broke me so badly. It was like one minute James was a huge part of my life and then he just vanished.

In my memories, I thought about all of our best times. One night, during the summer, I was making space for James' clothes in my closet and he lay down on the floor and told me to lie with him. He said he wished we could be in a field somewhere, looking up at the stars together. He reminded me how much he loved me. I thought, in that moment, "Life doesn't get any better than this."

After our breakup, I was cleaning my kitchen one day and found a whole drawer full of fast food sauces. James was always saving them and I guess I didn't realize that he was collecting them in a drawer in my kitchen. There were so many Chick-fil-a sauces, along with lots of Taco Bell packets. I collected it all and threw it in the trash. When I went to the grocery store a few days later, I found and bought a bottle of Chick-fil-a sauce. I posted on Instagram that I no longer needed him around saving sauces because I could buy a whole bottle at the grocery store. James saw my post and messaged me like I had hurt him so badly by doing that. Of course, I felt a little bad that it hurt him but he had no idea all of the tears that I had cried leading up to that.

When I found out I would have to move out of my house years later, I almost looked forward to it. I felt like my house had become some sort of time capsule of memories of our life together. I'd sit at my desk in my office and imagine him at my kitchen table working on his computer. I even bought a whole new bed, which I wanted to do anyway, but I just felt so sad being in that bed without him.

I can honestly say, to this day, I've never taken a breakup as hard as I did with James. I'm not sure what that means but the other day, I felt like I needed to let him know that after all of this time, we were ok. I told him, "I just want you to know, that while I've never understood what happened with us, I've never hated you and always hope for the best for you." On my drive home from yoga last night, he replied, "I really appreciate that, Annie! And I have always wished the best for you as well." It took us just over 3 years but I'm glad we finally got to this point.

My dad sent me a Venmo last night and told me to go get Red Lobster for dinner so I picked some up on my way home from yoga. As usual, the traffic was awful, even at 8pm, so by the time I picked up my food and took it home, it was cold. I pulled into my driveway and this cat, who I previously saw in my backyard right after New Year's, was standing in the cul-de-sac looking at me. I looked back at it and let out a "pss" and it came running over to me and into my garage. It came right up to me and let me pet it. It was so playful and cute. It hung out with me for a bit until my neighbors got home and came out calling for it. I didn't know before whose cat it was, except that I had seen it in the neighborhood, but I think we're friends now. I don't know what it is but that cat always shows up when I'm having a rough week.

This past year, in general, has been rough. I moved to a neighborhood where the friendliest resident is a cat. I feel like I've taken a lot of losses here and now I'm working on piecing my life back together. It's a Wednesday and I usually go to yoga and Students at my church back where I used to live but today feels like a good day to stay home until I have to go to work.

I'm somewhat looking forward to my therapy session today. I hope it offers me some clarity for my next steps but I know that after it I won't want to do much, which is pretty normal for me after therapy. Since I have to work tonight, I definitely need to feel more refreshed. Like the pin I bought a few years ago, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

xoxo

Annie

[sminiac]

౨ৎ⋆ ˚｡— Just Maybe !

⋆ Chef!Song Eunseok + Server!Reader

Contains — NSFW/Smut, breeding (kink???), minor description of blood, injury, physical pain, fear of knives, EUNSEOK BEING HORRENDOUSLY DOWN BAD.

Ex — I’ll fix any inconsistencies and typos later on, writing long fics already takes so much out of me and I’m simply just a girl ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა if something doesn’t make sense pretend it does or I’ll cry from embarrassment :D

Customer service was never the entire reason as to why you chose to stick with your position, sure the tips came in steady and the environment was alright- well, when you weren’t having to deal with grown adults that have the temper of a spoiled toddler, but you’ve always had a thing for the head chef of the establishment, a clean-cut man who smoothed out any jagged corners for you without the need for a reimbursement of any sort, he was just simply, nice, a little awkward when it came to conversations but the confidence in the way he moved when in the kitchen cancelled it out, not to mention how incredibly handsome he is.

Eunseok’s the kind of person that you know cares about his looks, good hygiene and a well built body, at times you could vaguely see the hours of self discipline put into himself, but he was never loud about it, never entertained the line of women waiting patiently for his beckoning call.

He didn’t flirt with your female co-workers, in fact he’d hardly give them the time of day, except for when he’d be approached with the meek request that he help fix a problem with a customers food, to make light of the situation no matter how dire it was made to be.. on purpose, or not, you’d never know with the servers you worked alongside.

He was keen on keeping you and the remainder of the staff in check as the prices on your menus fetched high for the quality he dished out, so the lot of you remained vigilant about your work besides the few failed attempts of getting on his sweet side. Song Eunseok was never mean, he never let the authority placed onto him reach his head, but when you messed up he’d make sure you were aware of it. The silent treatment and the frostbitten glares you’d argue is even worse than the Gordan Ramsey-esque version of your overly passionate boss that the heat from the stoves would catch fire in his throat, melting away the cordial tone Eunseok was the one to set into motion initially, you’d never seen him so far gone like that, and you hoped you’d never.

He called you up early this morning, in the first few seconds into 8:35 am on a Saturday, aka your designated rot in bed day, his voice was flowing and kind when asking of you to come in, pick up a shift for a member who called in sick at the last minute, promising that it would be worth it with the added money you didn’t receive in normality with your biweekly cheques, the one thing he didn’t mention explicitly was that the bonus came with the bind of babysitting.

The girl who called out was a trainer, and your boss had just recently given the okay for a new hire.

You couldn’t say no, you just couldn’t bring yourself to thinking about the way he probably looked right now on the other side of the phone, you could see it vividly even in your half awakened mind- the white chef shirt with his sleeves folded neatly to rest just below his elbows that put on an unavoidable display of his toned forearms that you could distinctly see the groups of muscle flex and groove under his skin when he worked his magic with a knife or when picking up a wide surfaced skillet over an open flame.

You’ve heard of the hushed gossip about his hands, how dexterous he is with both, that he’d surely make for a great partner in bed. The teasing comments about his impassive appearance you didn’t entertain so much of, but maybe it was just the innocent crush on him that refrained you from doing so.

Walking through the doors of the building was always exhilarating, especially with the added addition to your appearance for tonight of small delicate bows decorating your hair, the difference very much minor, but having Eunseok comment on it the first time he sees you made the effort more rewarding.

“You plan on earning yourself even more tonight?” He asks whilst carrying an arm full of freshly cleaned pans like they weighed nothing back to his station, the faint smell of his familiar fragrance thick in your nose. Your brows furrow, tongue running against the front of your teeth, “Depends on what I’d be earning, Chef.”

You sound a little uncertain in your tone, not so fast to allow yourself to peg his question as a way of flirting.

Cute, he thinks. Eunseok can’t help but let the edge of his lips faintly crook up, he doesn’t let your eyes catch at his expression before he resumes placing everything back to its rightful spot. “Tips.” He says gently, in a way that doesn’t make you feel stupid for not catching on so quickly. “You know how horny these old heads can be, money always suddenly burning a hole through their pockets once a pretty girls taking care of ‘em.”

He glances at you, alarmed at the way your foot falls in front of your other like you’re going to approach him, a look on your face that he knows means you’re going to ask a make or break question, and he’s not ready to decide if he loves his job as much as he’s convinced himself to ever since you joined the crew in an attempt to keep his irrevocable attraction to you at bay.

“You know what,” he breathes, almost floating with how fast he moves towards you in retaliation, he knows what he’s doing, he’s noticed how quiet you get whenever he’s close enough for you to smell the cologne that seeps out from under the thick layer of white fabric, “our food prep won’t be here for another hour or two, do me a favour and get a head start while you wait? Tonight’s a busy one.”

He retrieves a waist apron from behind you, the thin tie dragging ticklish against your skin as he backs away, his hands already behind his back. “Uh- yeah, okay. I’m… on it.” You spin slowly on your heal, already familiarized with your way around prepping so you take off to the cooler without question, still a little dazed from the close and sudden proximity, but it only burns when you hear him utter “What was that?” With a sternness that doesn’t reach his face, in fact it’s the polar opposite, it almost leaves you paralyzed by the soft smile as you turn.

“On- on.. I’m on it, Chef.” He nods, appreciative of you upholding his title though it isn’t necessarily required, he just liked seeing how flustered you got when your mouth ran at a speed your brain couldn’t.

Maybe it was the only time he’d let himself acknowledge the power he holds over you, too.

The process of organizing and maintaining a convenient layout for the ingredients wasn’t all that complex or bothersome, you breezed through it, a little grateful that you weren’t out on the floor scrubbing tables and handling the heavy chairs. But what breaks your productive flow is the knives. You’ve never really gotten over the fear of handling something so big and sharp, never mind the daunting precision aspect that you’re almost positive you aren’t capable of keeping consistent with the patterns and overly complicated techniques.

Your teeth pull at the skin on the inside of your lip, eyeing the blade that you know was just recently taken in to be sharpened with the rest, even worse, but the variety of vegetables before you wouldn’t magically fall apart into pristine chunks by themselves.

You haul in a short breath that kicks your hands into action, making sure to grasp the handle firmly, the moisture of your palm making it a little hard to wield with a nicely distributed weight that would make it glide, but it’s in your hand at the least.

“Y/n,”

“Yes?” Your attention redirects towards Eunseok as he peers behind the wall separating you from the front of the kitchen, the blade slipping from your hold upon the sight of his shirt opened all the way down revealing to you the almost skin tight sleeveless-t that’s under. The knife clatters to the floor with a sound that makes your teeth grind, from the unpleasantness of it and the embarrassment of losing what little composure you’d managed to wrangle so easily.

You follow after the blade, your knees bent as you scramble to retrieve it, Eunseok steps over to you, following you down to the floor.

“Ahh, of course my mouth runs away from me.” He tsks, and for a second you consider that you’ve just broken the damn thing, but the sharp sting of the air making its way to the open cut in your palm tells you before your eyes can. Blood eases from it, trickling, and then it starts running. Eunseok’s fingers are cautious as they encircle your wrist yet his grip is firm as he inspects the depth of the wound, “I’m really sorry Y/n, I really made you slice your hand good. Here,” he says, guiding you slowly to your feet. “I’ll clean and wrap it up for you.”

“Please” you nod, your heart so wild in your chest that you can hear it in your ears. His hands press against your waist, effortlessly bringing you up to the empty space on the counter where he seats you, clearing away the surrounding area before he’s reaching into one of the overhead shelves and grabbing the one of many first aid kits.

Not that you aren’t capable of tending to dress the cut yourself, but it was nice knowing he cared enough to take the time to help you out as he could’ve easily dropped a fleeting apology for his precipitation and dipped out as fast as he appeared, but he didn’t. He chose to attend to you with careful, skilled fingers, and a few words of praise for toughing out the thrumming sting.

“You’re good with the pain, I’m glad.” He says departing from between your legs with a pat to your knee, leaving you to feel at the thick gauze catching at any blood that still lingers, reassuring you that it fortunately isn’t deep enough for stitches as the blade slipped clean through your skin without any pressure.

“Why’s that?” You ask absentmindedly.

He returns back to you with a slowness to his stride, his scent wrapping you back up, it takes away from the pain in your hand.

“Because I would’ve felt really, really bad if you started crying.” If you weren’t raptured by the sight of his eyes being so close to your face then you’d be focussed on the way his hand lifts, only the tips of his fingers skimming against the skin next to your eye as he brushes your hair out of the way. “You shouldn’t tell anyone I helped you.”

“Why?” You lean in, back curving in a desperate seek of his nearness. “I don’t help everyone else like this,” he reasons, his tone matching yours- airy, a little dazed by the shared infatuation. “Someone might become jealous of my obvious favouritism.” He takes in the sight of you so close at leisure while he has you, trying to imbed the features of your face into his mind that he isn’t able to see from afar quite the way he can now.

“Obvious? It’s obvious?” You ask.

“Painfully.” His long fingers slink under your chin, thumb pressing into the soft of your lip. “You didn’t think all those times i treated you with leniency was because I’m a nice person, did you?” He moves in, his front pressing directly against the table, if you moved any closer his clothed cock would be nestled between your legs, right where you need him, crave him.

You bite the bullet, hips shifting you into him, your tongue licking faintly against his skin with a thoughtless nod of your head as he pushes further into your mouth until your lips are enclosing around the digit.

“Sweet girl,” he sighs feeling the warmth you engulf him in, “too stupid for your own good, hm?”

You nod again, focussing on the way he lets out an airy laugh, his hand that’s free of your mouth finally makes contact with you, he rests it at your thigh, squeezing gently before he’s pointedly skipping anywhere near your inner thigh, “You don’t know how bad i want your pussy on my tongue,” he moves even closer, to the point his heads slanted slightly to the side, the tip of his nose bumping into yours. “dream of it, actually.”

He enjoys watching the way you squirm, trying to grind against the front of his slacks just from the effect of his words. His thumb slips out from your mouth, a shuttered breath pulled at the way your tongue laves at him, collecting the saliva back into your mouth, your efforts fall fruitless as he’s dipping in, his lips soft, damp against yours.

A smell pervades your nose, a familiar one, but you’d never gotten close enough to distinguish it from his cologne. This one is sweet, subtle, it’s not headache inducing or overpowering, it’s one that you can’t put under the differing tones of feminine or masculine, it’s simply just.. him.

Eunseok’s tongue introduces itself flawlessly, a cold first lick into your mouth makes your hands instinctively move to his arms, gripping at his biceps that are solid against your hold.

His head dips with his jaw as he kisses you, pulling you with the way his lips attack and draw out unhurried. He allows himself to savour you, the way you feel the way you taste, even the feeling of your breath falling dense, heavy, deliberately exhaling due to the lack of control you have over your own body when he’s got you like this.

His hand travels to your lower back, pulling you further into him until you physically can’t get any closer, his body burns with the unfaltering want to have you, the need for you. Eunseok pulls away suddenly, thumbing at your cheek as he looks over you like a docile animal in need of attention, “I’d really like if i could make up for hurting you right now, if you’d let me.” He makes you feel so pretty in a way without words, how that’s humanly possible? You’re not sure, but you know you’d want to bask in it for the rest of your life.

“Please, want you s’bad Eunseok, more than you know.”

His lips return to yours, you’d argue that it’s where they belong as he shoulders off the loose shirt, he gathers it expertly without struggling to keep up with your pace, placing it off to your side so your fingers can finally get a feel of his skin, where the other girls could only dream of touching, even seeing.

His tongue ceases from sliding back into your mouth because he knows it wouldn’t stay put once he’s got you open and on display for him, he doesn’t unbutton your shirt all the way free in case someone were to stumble upon the two of you, but he’s desperate to see your chest, and you pick up on his wants quite quickly. Without a word you slip off the shirt to get to your bra, discarding it and slipping the shirt back over your arms, it acts like a curtain, for only his eyes to see, to devour. “Fuck,” he groans finally getting a handful of you, he swears he’s never touched something softer, someone, you make his senses heighten tenfold, and you did it without any intention, you just simply had him, every inch of him.

He paws at your chest, an almost innocent semblance to his face as he feels you, “need to fuck you, god- need to fuck you so bad.” He says, mirroring your words, they loop in his head and fall from his tongue at the pure excitement he feels being able to have you like this. His hands abandon your body to pull his shirt over his head, his belt loose, he reaches for the singular button on his black slacks but you stop him, gently nudging him out of the way so you can pull it free, and he hates how you strike him dumb without the means to as he feels the slight vibration of his zipper being pulled down.

He’s so hard, to an embarrassing point where even the slight bump against the steel table makes him huff. You’re focused on his length once you’ve got him free of his clothes, the heft of it in your hand, the sounds you elicit from such small touches, the sight of his tip still actively dribbling pre cum.

“Take this off baby.” His two fingers tug at the waist of your skirt, in the same he brings your attention back, and even though he asks you to do something his lips press open mouthed kisses to your neck, shoulder, your collarbone, so frazzled from the rush that his actions contradict his words. “You’re gonna have to let me go for a second then pretty.” You giggle, the sound makes his cock twitch, another sigh that prompts a grunt to tumble out at the feeling. He lets you go, but not before giving you a helping hand with your own zipper.

His hands are frantic as you begin to push down the fabric, lifting your hips so he can fully rid of it for you.

Your words cease to exist as the back of his hand presses against your lower stomach once you’re settled, his thumb catching at the seam of your panties, pulling it to the side and hooking it in place with his middle finger so you’re fully in view. His teeth catch his lip, slowly letting it slip back into the air as his index and thumb now move to separate your folds. He’d love to lie, say he hasn’t thought about what you have on under your clothes- if anything, he swears a moan was going to slip just from the feeling of your arousal soaked heavy into the thin material, but seeing it in whole before him now has a sound that borders both a sigh and moan.

“You’re so perfect, I’m almost scared to touch you.” He admits, his eyes peering up at you through his fallen hair, “Nothing to be scared of, want you to- please Eunseok, need you to touch me.”

Your hips bump forward, an eager whine slipping from your lips that he chases, he lets his hand fall back only to spread you back open again for the pleasure of hearing the wet squelch, his wrist turns, the tip of his middle finger slipping down until he reaches your opening. He doesn’t say a thing as he pushes, his fingers conforming to your insides, it curls slightly, and he swallows back saliva from slipping out of his mouth at the way you take him. This is only his finger, a singular one, and he’s already losing it.

He hears you suck in a breath at the feeling, you feel the tender spot he brushes against, gentle in setting himself a rhythm, but you need more.

“Another Eunseok.” You hum, your hand coming down to pinch at his ring finger, he complies, pressing a set of delicate kisses to your shoulder before he allows his head to rest there, watching the way he pumps into you while you’ve got your head tipped back, eyes squeezed shut from the surreal feeling of him, the situation.

“Wanna put myself inside of you,” he says simply, a steadiness to his tone. “just want to make you feel like you’ve never been before.”

“Then do it- wan’ you- want you to ruin me, like you said.”

His head lifts, and in the matter of seconds he’s guiding you until you’re only balanced with your hands behind your back that keep you propped, one leg is bent where his arm is wrapped around, his fingers still keeping your cunt revealed for him, your other leg is limp, already distant from the feeling of his fingers, but you retreat even further when he’s rubbing the head of his cock through you, bumping against your clit as he drags. “So pretty,” he mutters, reaching for your hand that’s clenched around the makeshift bandaid, his lips press around the area, the ticklish feeling of his lips mitigating the soreness. “my favourite girl.”

He proceeds sinking himself in, briefly pausing to collect himself once his head is fully disappeared out of sight, his hand rubs at your thigh as soft cries are muted with your breaths, “You’re okay princess,” he soothes, his praise constant until he’s seated so deep that his body’s flush with yours again. “already feel you makin’ a mess.” He grits out, feeling the weak rounding movement of your hips trying to get a deeper taste of his cock that sits wedged within you so right.

“So big ‘nseok, makin’ it hard to think.” You babble.

His shoulders shake with mirth at your running mouth, making your face warm all the way down to the ball of your shoulders, “Don’t laugh.” You grumble smacking his arm, you can feel the agitation rise to your eyes, struggling to swallow back the tears that are already slipping before you can even mentally register it. You can’t place where the sudden emotions stem from, maybe it was the barreling pleasure he spoiled you with, how kind he remained even in his boldness when handling you, how knowledgeable he is when touching you.

Eunseok remains still in your hold, both of his hands swiping away the tears, not even a flash of judgment in his face.

“Mmh I’m sorry baby, jus’ think you’re cute,” he presses a kiss to your forehead, hand moving to stroke at the back of your neck. “that’s all. Nothing to cry about, right?” He adjusts your head until your eyes are on his, a sign of agreement comes and he’s drawing his apology out in the way his hips pull back, then in again.

He doesn’t treat you like this is all he’s wanted from you, maybe it’s on his list of things, but fucking you wasn’t his end goal. He touches you like hot glass, so pliable that he only uses a small amount of force that you’re willing to accept, that has you clawing, whining for him to be faster, kiss you, touch you more, anywhere he possible can.

As his hips glide into yours he can’t help but stare at your face, god you’re so pretty, he feels at your cheeks to be certain of your presence, that you aren’t just an image he’s manifested in your absence. He knows you’re real in the cry of his name, how you slur, too overcome by the deep buzz that has your muscles tightening, it burns, not like the cut in your hand he keeps reaching out to kiss at, it’s a good kind of hurt, the only hurt he’d ever want you to feel from now on if you’d only let him be the one to service you.

“‘nseok! ‘nseok— fuck.” You repeat in his ear, holding yourself close by keeping your arms locked around his neck. The sounds you make blur with his collection of memories that you’ve supplied over the time spent by him, he can hear you from the past, your inflections, your laughter, tears from being treated poorly by customers, it’s all gathered together in his hands now. It’s been so long, so, so long, and now he’s finally gotten the closest he could ever be to you, he’s so blissed out by the feeling of your cunt, the sweat collecting on the surface of your skin being pressed into him, that he’s decided that his title, his renowned culinary knowledge would never amount to the fullness he feels being able to make you weep like this.

He would put his skill to use with you, to keep you satisfied- more than, to make you home cooked meals, and if there were to be any little ones along the way then he’d learn to be playful with his craft.

The thought makes him quiver, lips parted and wet, he reaches to press a kiss to your cheekbone before resting you back, promising to take care of you, just like he had earlier. “You’re awful,” he pants, his finger reattaching to your clit that’s still slick and warm. “makin’ me so needy like this, god- wanna put a baby in you so you’ll never have to worry about working a shitty job again.”

His words fuel your orgasm to really make myself itself present, and it’s closer than you’d thought.

“You aren’t, so nice to me- Chef.”

You know what he meant, but there couldn’t possibly be room to worry about another person but him when he’s fucking you like this, all the faces you possibly know all blurring into him. Him him him.

A smile breaks through his face, his fingers work quick, but they’re precise, and knowing, just one sound from you and he knows where to keep them as he continues driving his cock into you. “Work so hard f’me, do such a good job pretty girl, how could i not be? Fuck-”

He’s close, and the way your cunt starts to irregularly pull tight around him hints that you are too, your moans die down, no longer struggling to choke them back and your body starts tensing, the sight of you, sound- god even the smell is all too much, much too good that he’s tipping over you, slotting his lips between yours before he pulls to rest his forehead against yours, lips brushing as he asks “Where d’you want me princess?” fully expecting you to ask of him to pull out, but you don’t, you continue to hold him as close as you can without shifting your way out of his touch that’s making you crumble, getting out a quiet “inside, please!” Before he’s releasing, you right behind him.

The feeling of a different kind of warmth fills you out, your hearing a little fuzzy, but he’s still with you, you can feel his warm skin, the shape to him, so you know you’re okay.

You rest onto each other, the air lacking in amounts but you’ve never been more content, even with the sticky feeling of his cum sinking into your panties as his hand lets go.

“You hungry?” He asks suddenly, disturbing the serene silence you’d melted into. “I can make you some fries, I know you like those.”

“You mean you like fries, I’ve never gotten to finish my own serving before you get to them.” You nuzzle your head into his chest, and he adjusts by wrapping you up in his arms with a soft chuckle.

“You’ll get a bowl to yourself this time, promise. I’ve gotta finish prepping, remember? You can just keep being pretty and keep my company now, don’t need to do a thing.”

ᰔ sminiac’s RIIZE M.list

[wwarren]

2022

Finally (finally) getting to my annual year recap. Between this one and last year I’ve been slacking and not getting to them until damn near halfway through the year. But like I said before, better late than never.

So this year was very interesting. Very interesting. What could’ve been the worst year of my life actually turned into one of my favorite years in recent memories, second to 2015. I think the main contributing factors to that was that I was pushed very hard to do and try new things. As well as foster and build a stronger relationship with my inner circle of friends - all of whom helped me get through what otherwise would’ve been an extremely challenging year with out them. So to start, in January I caught COVID. It was absolutely awful in the sense that I had the most bizarre side effects from the virus. I remember being like oh god, this is awful. It lasted about a week. Thankfully, nothing too severe happened as a result and I got over my symptoms in a decent amount of time.

Shortly after I recovered from COVID, my mom had passed away from the very same thing. She had a lot of health issues that were probably exacerbated by the virus. I’ll never forget that morning I woke up from a text from her, drove to her place frantically, the the ER, and then having the news delivered to me by the doctor. It was such an out of body feeling. My worst fears had came true and I realized then that from then on out the only person that’s going to look out for me is me. I was officially alone. Mentally, I had prepared myself for this day for a while because I knew it was inevitable. But it still hurt a lot. Healing from such a thing isn’t easy and is never in a perfect straight line. You’ll have days where you’re fine and days where you’re not. Sometimes you’ll be triggered by the smallest thing that takes you back to a memory and you’ll start to cry. With all this being said, I found what helped me the most ultimately was having a good support system. In my case, that was my friends.

After that and dealing with cleaning out her apartment, stopping all of her services to the apartment, and the funeral, I was in a weird space. It’s almost like something was set off in my body and spirit that told me to make the most of this year and try to form as many memories as you can. And I did.

I did a lot of traveling, spent a lot of good quality time with friends, and made some good memories. I traveled to Chicago/Boystown for the first time which I absolutely loved, went to Wisconsin, went to Mexico again for the second year in a row, experienced the Indy500 for the first time, was the man of honor (maid of honor) for one of my good friend’s weddings and gave a speech in front of 100+ people, went to New Orleans for the bachelorette party, wine tastings, Halloween parties, fun late nights in the summer riding scooters, pedal bars, Lollapalooza, picked up a new hobby of roller skating… there’s just so much. I was pushed outside of my box by myself and my friends and made so many great memories that truly filled the void that was there from grief. Of course it wasn’t complete smooth sailing but my close circle made me feel loved and appreciated. I grew closer to so many people and those relationships and memories are ones that I won’t forget. If it weren’t for them my depression probably would’ve taken away so much of me. I’m proud of myself for my resilience and willingness to be positive despite the hard time I was enduring.

2022 was in the top 2 favorite years. It was just fucking amazing. My main goal moving forward into the new year is to keep that momentum going. 💛

[mizata]

The final profession of love

Dear you,

It's been a great 2 and a half years and i know it's been chock full of ups and downs, but that's life innit?

I can confidently say with 98.9% confidence that there've been more ups than downs, but this is the culmination of every moment we've been together.

I've seen you at your lowest, and i've seen you at your best, and there's so much to love about you, no matter what state you're in.

From improving communication skills with friends and family, to stepping out of your comfort zones to meet new people or challenge yourself career-wise. There has been so much objective growth and it's amazing.

There are so many qualities about you that i admire, be it the discipline to wake up everyday despite mental heaviness, or cultivating healthy habits for food or exercise. This was always something that i lacked myself and i was hoping to one day achieve that same level of self-discipline.

I've learnt so much about other necessary life skills like managing money, maintaining some semblance of cleanliness in the room, and traveling pointers. These are things that i never handled personally and i am eternally grateful for the opportunity to learn this through my time with you.

As i type this my eyes are welling up (for the 15th time today) and i may end up ugly crying and yelling into the very blanket that we iron out every day, but i know that this was necessary because it would not be fair to you (and to extent, us) if i let this continue.

I want to hold on to my principle of never having to lie to you. Not just because it's wrong morally and it's not the way mama raised me, but because lying here is the blade that causes the most hurt. And you've been hurt like that one too many times. You've been through so many struggles (most of which you had to deal with on your own), and i do not wish to be another person who disrespects you as a person with very real feelings and emotion.

You are incredibly precious and i wish i could take that night back, but i cant.

I cannot claim to understand how you're feeling now, or how you will be feeling in time to come, but i know that it'll get better in time. I too am still figuring out how to move forward with all this and i can only pen this down and process this carefully. This would be the first time i've had let someone so close to me go under such circumstances.

As i sieve through memories and memorabilia, i am yeeted back to the time where life was a lot simpler. We were both in hospitals, we were both excited to learn about each other and bringing the best out of each other. I will always cherish the little moments of weekend mornings, the times we danced to various genres of music, the times either of us stood at the doorway when the other had to leave for work, the moments that made my heart flutter, and the constant expressions of affection towards one another.

We made many plans and discussed the future in so many ways, and i've tried to be the better man for you. Of all the times i have failed you, this would definitely be my greatest failure. The last thing i wanted to do was make you feel any less than what you are, but i know that had happened regardless. Nothing i say now will change that fixed moment in time.  

There are so many things i wish i could say irl.

I wish i could say all of this (and more) to your face as you (probably) start to tear up (and so will i) because i want you to know how special you are to me.

I don't know if i should send this to you or just leave this here for you to chance upon for fear of hindering your healing, so i'll err on the side of caution and just leave this be.

I hope we can be allowed to still be friends (despite the opinion of some that we should stay separate), but if fate decides otherwise, then i have to accept it too.

You've taught me to live a little more, love a little harder, and be a better person overall.

Thank you. For letting me love you.

May you always have minimal pee and maximul rest bbkeks.

[frogsandfries]

I feel so stupid

I'm sitting here crying over a fanfic.

I know what an anathema Rowling has made her own franchise, but that doesn't take back my childhood. Hermione was one of the first characters I ever really saw myself in. And this stupid fic feels so much more real to the Harry Potter universe than the end of the Deathly Hallows. Hermione, the smartest witch in her class, her niche driving her into isolation from her friends--when I was in high school, I took the classes I was interested in, which meant I didn't really get to be with my friends. Even in college, my friends seemed to be in one area while I was somewhere else. And I have no fucking idea how to leave the house to find some club or group or somewhere to hang out where I can learn or enjoy a hobby--where do graphic novel artists meet in a Thursday evening to, like, critique each other's stories or linework or development in their colorwork or whatever?

It's not........ fucking fair, that she doesn't have to be alone and this fictional character gets to have hot lusty sex while I haven't lusted for someone, well, okay--apart from that one time, that was like five years ago. But before that was like eight years ago.

I feel like such a freak. I always manage to find the most abusive person possible. Why would a normal, not-abusive person want anything to do with me?

I just want senpai to notice me, but why do I even care? Neither of us is going to move across the country for the other. I love living here. Like, I really love it.

Do I even believe in romance? Maybe that's my problem. If I held out for romantic love, I would just be alone, so I settle. That's the problem, the difference between fiction and reality. No one is going to shove you into the arms of your lover so you can have a steamy enemies to lovers arc. I don't even feel like I had any real enemies in high school. Even in high school, nobody really knew I existed, let alone cared.

Currently, I have three people who, if I didn't message them for a week, would even know anything was wrong.

Just one time, I want someone to be slightly obsessed with me and want to tear my clothes off when we're in the same room. Just one time, I want someone who would jump through flaming hoops or some shit for me. Just one time, I want someone to make me a thoughtful, beautiful lunch and tell the whole internet, like, I know she likes extra watercress on her lox bagel.

I don't think anyone I've been in a relationship has ever noticed or appreciated things about me. That's fucked up.

The problem is, I don't love myself enough to filter for quality. I'm desperate for the first thing that comes along. I don't need to be desperate anymore. For the first time in my adult life, I'm fully independent. I have my own apartment. I have my own job which I can stomach well enough until I can net something else, like trainer maybe. Something more interesting. This job has plenty of opportunities. I don't need to glom on to the first thing that comes along.

I'm really working on myself. I'm focusing on my health, trying to integrate little exercises into my morning, and stretching, forcing myself to go out of the apartment when I have a few bucks to spare, even though it's been over a hundred degrees when I get off work. I've been working on the graphic novel--on the script material, on coloring, on my lineworks.

For the first time since I moved to New Mexico, I feel motivated to work on my graphic novel, I feel focused. I don't feel judged and like I have to be slightly vigilant, one ear open.

I dunno, does it matter if I don't believe in steamy, lustful romance? Isn't it more important to have a good companionship, partnership, to be compatible to live together? Sex isn't an entire relationship. Lust just causes a sunk cost fallacy, "well this relationship was great for six months when we just fucked each other's brains out, what are we supposed to do now that we're too busy or stressed or whatever".

I just want someone who doesn't need to control me, doesn't feel insecure when I don't spend the evening with them, someone who doesn't corner me when I'm upset, angry, frustrated, whatever, and just need some fucking space. I just want a companion who loves me and notices me and cares about me. Someone who respects how I like to keep my home clean and organized. Someone who doesn't mind that I don't reach out physically; somebody who will reach out until I stop stiffening in surprise at their touch. But I'm such a piece of shit, I can't accept those things. It would be too good to be true. I need to keep punishing myself with the woman who gave birth to me, over and over.

Maybe that's why I don't believe in romance. All I've known is self-hatred so deep it bleeds all over the self-hater's children.

[libidomechanica]

The children leave until the prove

A Meredith sonnet sequence

               1

But Right end in a chef come while heart to   drink so made my all his me! In silent   with chair in Florian; holds, and his head so tender’d clere vnprouided, mute. Like their Maybush and was a race then, with vntimely   through problem, is but hardly came of Moses   of Kedar, and brave Lord Coke his very heard—I under example of love: quest. Where me quality. A love is he   gout. I cut haples with green China   falconies; the chiefe light, the wants are just through that’s yourself of Bether by ridiculous on think. Their knows; let me for ever   shall I lovely those sheep-track where muddy,   and is man, with pleased: he forsake his, old Susan greene with you to spright sits in time.

               2

Thought, Betty lispering a pretty o’er   ago, in travels on the to feel the   never strange your dead lose concern: if a moment find the find now delight: let blood. The paced hands, from their debtor her by the   leave uncouth the day-lights of your body’s   eyes in the fruits own in perfect absence of this prudence, no doubt, passenger idiot boy! With Hawthorn, which out they are   every work’d the bright way, to more or garden-   gate memory. Her peccant influence and of Chloris required. Caught us is nothing beside no Charlier deem   her iust ashes. Fruit which closet. From their   dainting touch. ’ The heart a world was some one of nature, and from mountain-top does shame.

               3

Leaves its an here though thee; how exist into   sounding from my shall euils stedde, whose power,   spark is pleases. Into Clay, mouth cold he warp not. With gather left me immortal fire: that winter when said, I curs’d her   still she shown. And yet bright, a bright see bore   and all to my time slippery reason now, and when the pink, in faith the next his pale shade a little power to breast or thee   as figured, catch, ne of living of   unregard was also that art to and is silver wished, as if it was darkness and hoisted weep me not spare not. In high   adoring to helplessly brought the remembers   after should pause, ’ I muses! That evening and brake or twice I list thou dost tell.

               4

And corroding for things. And do it could   find feeling put you must and not beef I   had a sort of deep upon our smiling farther wind of human sound, I shall so nice and upon the should nook of sorry   Scheme of my mind? Is signifies they were   make such tears and peaks of dore set wide and say buttercup inside, or whom Love been me. I say the first: the down and the circle   the wrong, shalt call’d what inventions, and   yet more an hour was yellows aboue. So many that now he had a vices eke the birth a net I should have a hands forth them   to whip, and the other’s reaches on Orcas   Island every could ascended down for pink beneath of whom I had been bowl.

               5

Just distance which where on my own dove. Urn   becomes to grace that Choice oft to sayd, he   who ne’er should sorowe, the windows of the idle, he town she said, except in generally morning hearts, which like them not doomed   up child, I say yes, with Earth a Sign beyond   to fall six months gonna be admiring hart; venus is it, as varnished tinglings of moss the room. The bridegroom merely   tale of our eyes. ’Er the wretched tingle   good doe not longing even smiling, opened by life to a morow? Has ever foot-stone which might&see from answer, I needs   mohair. By all down alone. Piled upon   my soul gives in his of chariots’ haughter: other doat. Quest. And, for ever out.

               6

Frame of tables, but it is as one of   her senses backpack in their sweet, she is   all these world and stuff with heaven. And cries, thought dark crushing like a story of our wheels right, serene, doe not, she singing did   lived, thy heart in the sky is might retir’d:   your love’s fuel, but a woman! Rain one, he shine, and looks o’er at all. If youth allied Mushtara them? Lady fair and black againe   to public strifes, my stomachery   rather nest, what all we die, to this; which garners never rule a harvest that’s dear- purchase paid another can unreflections   can to cry with that great Argument;   so mask of grape age, that he was in my pride, or will perfect noon, if I shan’t stay.

               7

Was not long, they left over deemed—and the   driven the was not branch the man was the   great, shape appearance court, express; and a bush, listens mind of life, thy men, a wind full fifty yards a Hell, and godlike in   the dore, and others waft they beg. He   fortificial, althought to swarm with little Female Babe! Yet sinking of eldest make fair. Oh misery! She and was love’s right   and of life to the let me becomes in   my tablets has a new-borne attained a rustice to the light on pride, are not any. Be droop-heart convey so snug, so long   ere the man no more, and brought you ever   the Paradise enough he didn’t hard at once lark’s earth, to die of pleasure, thy mouth.

               8

Dross what must way, sike world a few, Why   wilfulness, with scalp. The Babe is censured   elevator i crouched to the father lives and me sick, and yet count bombs of the home to the Geaunt you and homage one out you   are all of these? Alive, to vary friend,   O though depths of human shriek of please. My poor. She streams of the best; and wound an accomplain truth the least, can my purposeth;   since me. Goal of a currants a hurly-   burly Tapster is the love hath many mountains and think and look upon her roll’d; the best people who loud; that a ding freend   heat corrupted the right and also that   he door are paragon, all be seems, I was over glow-worm of all that Spring.

               9

For the rottentions of life, no template;   sincere or read upon the breast to brightful   Grape give therein. Some find now shall remember from bedded-down with her good, but plain the shadow of all the Book on his   past way: I must prayer Way. Who can be   despised. Their age’s placed and works to drawn thy teeming few of orphans: first your courself, with stranger parents of the lowest   grow to use with all his roll that, but she   him in, though she ends promise of thered like the bright, within the Power among to my friends promis’d I forgive the ridden   after rising a ding; other still   the virgin-white my Muse’s clings seems to dwellest was—again, than a Raphael.

               10

None all the pane, her sad illusion. Hey,   and flames I had heart without for again,   is hollide? To nature Fears—Oh, odious phrase by that I saw that art of spring’s negotiable as fault, again. Thy   gifts to those willy-nilly flits before   their chance to the seculation her humour, and would as seraphs’ shine for sports of spices, and squeak’ would admirer thought arise   upon the wintertex! The will no   Question an army window’s my breathe manage my lov’d, and said, a poet. But not jealousy, I ween, in some will be her   amazed upon this child, if I hate many   a forget to passed heart more throne, worn violet eyes they speech is, that is the Soul.

               11

And sea, low, low, hey be, to me once doth   in thee winged a Key, the loudly as Johnny,   even at will this mist, all bond of beauty and allow’d, as for then misled cheerful what for light’s in the foibles must   Court, expression, the these would save made of   mangled—what puts the balloo! The loom still, and don’t look’d, where by and brigantinent, and woe, With tufts of moss extend a ruin   you dost plain forbeare desting arts when   a moment whereon Apicius Junius stand, and sails him that ever courselves my pale may never shower, to drink   away. And a dark hill answer, fierce a   melted in sigh half fall. Putting bridegroom waite, so wild-ridge that all I at a rage.

               12

As are travelling, stable, I never like   this, a stead of this; but he winters sorowe.   No doubt too much grace to lend of countenaunce, he same remembers did seeing have him in two weeps creeping of Chloris   regard to set with gold, aglaia slept there   to the ran flutted tight-eyed Eulalie’s of all of moss is mould; and a black again for ever seeing downward clings by   they pretty ring the were him in did I   love were gnawed awaye with the collusion table mate; and the grateful those rare of the crown. Man orphans passing behind, it’s no   the Door to encourage unities of   winter garden by Time show no more her the story. Me with a geranium.

               13

The wood, Christ, your wood; but it seemed the morn.   Even lizard keep you to castlessly   a wreck is ourselves so enamour’d, on these hardened by the future touch’d, colds to glist’ning here who smil’st, faitors, a trembleme.   When I appeared as cheeks are aiming in   act express’d have me clematis. Table, of these much seems the hies; one to heart sink his Daught hour arrows of silver’d Caravan   star-sister of that’s the Sage that worse.   Then thither sorrow for through to be mud and pity our sister tell my lockets: other time I never than slept. Had earth   with all thee, Give mystic worse and as some   please, and Now, ’ she had, ’ he a windows: Friendly that hemisphere; he slack; now, the Dust.

               14

Conduct nice admirer the same; follow   vapor carried bloomin’ and to be first,   what I beg a part of you exist had filled thee; yet—hear’st thought of sages gold, the same tie are bas-ke, who sow the all, which   bars to falling up the was not takes it   come, you turned, you epitomize Small the many a field of twilight behind you feare but in the rolling, runs, since but why   I’m hung all thinks his like worth, whose Doorway?   She look’d thy gallery, that some to her: other that, walked rose eye I eyed, such prove to be deference he had power hearted   that harmed no Key: that is toil rewardeth.   It send of the be love: quest. And set upon it proprietresses jingled about!

               15

As soul from answer. On all the rose one—   Folks wounds, or some back the worlds soere she warps   and that may sees him, if thou grow, when heal upon the gratified when he fear to bury men; and real grace, has seems at out   one, is not lives in casement from such   as others we have no one the moon where, my sleepen in full we shall I have I found, and the same, What cherubs his old age   him kiss or man on the first you knows: Friends;   by the flatter’d on two beside to her? No, no! With some once a sad mistress; nor milder in all in the down, yearning selves   to the kisse! My love: questions stealing night;   but Betty put it is a mirrors; the wretched there bustling. Of Agrippina.

               16

Special personally upon these most him   who could definite blest, shall I, on these   emotion still men pale shame once gave alright fooled thought me distress, to chivalry: whate’er live. Ever with theyr she hill her   far could have no child wakeful cry? My   old me from ruine so much cause of loves on it, did nothings and widow head; or Sappho’s brow, to seek: for Johnny hast rathering   I should do not my rose and cold, that   once aglow with the Rose blue day lovely Lip the lepped lifts the just such eyes my three gallant a happy woman the silence   or leaves, they can be he must it is   a lone shoulder and make or prejudice better baby love, on the spur in space.

               17

And a new loveth: I had, was, if in   Spain, that we be one faring the moon’s quick   apprehending ye love, is bed; good of herself disease to the vain. Could not Woman sound, a quick brunette, which is filled they   had got. Well widdowe behind the brave wander,   Johnny good. Between Tyrian, in shall rich or small fling with came flying home. Nay, Betty, happy, halting on my common   Teutonic for me; I must dividends   the Grace it would runs, that ye still for pass those trees of which I sworn anothers, and eke really, in bed. Not his garden out   by the moon’s quick clutch over in her iust   as feature slight perchance it dance in love soul love do? Two breast, for mended: so wise?

               18

Climes over black and atheists in the   women, somethings which is meant to given,   and of such as once each choked at he was a wife willed, as due as wont to adorn: first tie; but want? Who live no such sore desert   my sov’reigns of glad I was wine: then   may bloomin’ and juice of you’re little into the bedded the sake, and brightest! Rises a goblin, I prize, dic neutral thing,   but it over, and Betty’s stage of Death!   The credulous shadows;—but when you are no attentions; never knew you’ve told me her. And as for threescore; when I went babe   warmth again, that, who else assailed, and saw   a pursuing, and of blood and with women, her feet widowhood, melissa—you!

               19

And I wene this wish that not a morowe,   with more laid unlace your name, by wears can   that poverty and board of wolves—alas! And night recall the clean our corpse freshment in desires and hairs, the town she that   hill of ordinary. And when asked with   loue. When I behold and work, we wish in terrors methink of growing. Or for mass overgrown the said Cyril, having   draperience to vale; and far awa. Among   to shower, to her lovely, and will calling and string, he sings; in generally decencies and mirror often once. When the   soft-handed did springs. Fly twanging upon   a lunatic fumes, there whenas soul love, you’re in oppose and stroll’d; the will ye.

               20

I muse as the laws Salique and braw, when   you art all prescience were no giraffes.   Lulled her young, but like swine with that I pace: he world’s the tales, till and daybreakers Palate to a ding wall, head; since of the wound   then I be, we muses have let me into   those whisp’ring ye love done, the down from the deep speak, who have a glazed oblivion is please. Let me by light thickening is   pure, since Frank therefore the once am I;   who wilderness and forwards swaddling-band. About thus, generating of the without it was not a thrilling. But at night   the thus what sea; a great Arguments were   of love and other man when thought land of desire! A thought would indiffered.

               21

—Most two you and being high; lips I hailed?   By strown your prudents, whether give up   afreshment Italiant a feare as we have early skies, At last heard to things face&see his, older feet to be. Of all whichever   saddle him whom she consummate tower.   Choir, and therefore was blithe air is in Christian was lowers. Delight, and favour owne though a few poor Susan like a   slowly adayes countries. Gave men in for   a whilst those petition could remained wars, and virgin fair. When no menting the Frick white. The tedious, she spheres, While I speak   strive which not love, with girt and loves, a whimper;   miss’d in the Vessel, the Grass, and the moon buried her down and wayes hath master.

               22

To fairer to his made my hand, nor know.   Then breeze you hast enough they sees his hand,   for Johnny vile refreshment. She prospect widowhood, and antique all for thought upon the boots me your live: the rose tree and   layd him lead thy rest many sweet and a   ho, and fix on its her heels. Be daughters, when trains all-severend look fire, here was well-mould; for Adeline, till a sighs, my   foot-way path the Kidde stirrup, saddest,—I   lay my lips, proud as serv’d to leaves, as did rustic in the Miss Raw, Miss Shop I stood to take too, in theirs: without pity Sultán   scarcely tied with pride, my heart. Light. Where   where bencheason, possible cruel kind oft the fetid womanly day of blush, hush!

               23

Opinions make thee thee as like the sam?   There among the chaste, or stars were called winged   her, for a whole; and laws of the foaming false fleece, your eyes firm, there posts up from the imagine you are stirrups, just such quick   will leaves, and grow upon the like a fear   plain horsement find, with disdayne that water like that standary look, the day by defend, wintered if I had not; his hand   legge her heart sings forcement great human   had sworn to marriage which of fire will lips the push on all process I cannot thy groves, she shoulders, so often ech other   less, model of ourself, ’ said him bells called   my name his face, she quite? The heart to the second paper sport me shepheards below.

               24

And what of each the door age: for Kim. Over   and only knock of lilies. But did   strange us? He plaguy billowing, except silken breathere was up under head some rich as the smiling. And begins love   always and the wind; be nobler agree,   he clouded with green. This babe was a world and David’s Lips are her acception taughtiest virgin-white together Doctor not   a feast; and sad-sighing buds of the poor   good at thou and green arbour screams, that flagons, star by a finger-length is my lips just as she wakeful conceive, and sore   hath she man’s movies out on passion groan   and gone, mice-scale with the emble not to a trust, madam: by young Ammon—a kisse!

               25

Called with laughs are soft and proceed of loved.   And their fame, myself frolics, or place.&To   the Wild Ass stampèd face, tears he coming ye loom still the grief and woe, being while thro’ the sea remember ever can passed heart   in his doors, and look through my tell. The figure,   or company of court’ she that distance a pipes, but shepheard and I. The deem me all to you: on the glad pass it   unimpeach. Dance fled; there they are upon her   twice of the greedy of the subject I do, which opens where one lords to feedeth foaming on you cannot chuse they are fiction;   proud watches unfold me over the   apprenticed already beauties be wedding again fears to be soone which the fair.

               26

I will and eddied its nature’s not:—friends,   then thereof, thought: such it was. To the garment   or worldes chinn’d like a slanderers, they were alive bade a life’s Lips are rib here Jamshýd’s Sev’n Thou beside them thus since   in me to meek and wants a green fine, deare.   Suspicion: follies and Voltaire, emitted paints were even of the Pot? Purest born. Of Ramazán, ere his poor and Sages   gold with sparely be far. So the   Cup, as your planet clowdy night the hath of fury staff lay with kiss held that us, and passion could I rose on the sames   I’d pay. Now the infant white a Couch—   for her woman is dim, and learn to quell, to faded interest of his talking.

               27

’Ve been the might sun, the coastal I   crossing is dreadful how shall before the   loving it look upon her well; and you the Poets in an army of his hand, ceased. Puffing by but what is countenance,   let me for wheele way a sun-flower-   nibblers, and snaw; but he wet or See, and in was its motion; if any thing with transporten increased: he foxes, too soon   drifted flesh in a nook, of Juan said, you   a cruel tongue beaming, and all rooms; and That court company. To her husband’s on the my head? There shut; they must nor had a   tedious to Betty o’er than the sat never   rules; charms, a faintly perfect, how turning to calmly smiled, and such refore streams.

               28

From he set out, and flowers! Where I knockest   sourly Tapster her looks at the other,   is as a land girls of the Little change my hope and for yoghurt partly because or deare the earth insect in the human   pains, frankind. That thought of ashes. Drink   of hers find thirsty plane had not a-creaking time it says my sake, and vtter that great; abase kisse. Who descend; dust one like a   lustie Loue with snow and all hope, he tombs are   filed. A horse, O! Ye are going the regarden, stay! Is ever saw. Been and crushing the Fire of queens, and this is to be   hell and Though with unknown that lovely Lip   it seem to return. I bring long lank spear- grass sprang for girl! Her the prophecies fit.

               29

Your midnight polluted within, arranging   the moon; and the foxes, the was peace,   must not take: for wed away but when his hold itself she disgrace! Or troubled his for the door. Two wretched lie, sat coldly   Hope darts away. And air; behold on. And   in the sure he planned, man, increased velocity, so far, alas! Her like a sad read. When doing! I have spake a Vessels   destroom our felicit from its head upon   me bene hyred fire; in virgins the Clod of amethyst I could wall and you never forth a hurly-burly lette   me, I’ll whispersecuted walls; ’tis all   chearful, that love holy stray, the moonlightless, the victorie, the tale however die.

               30

I am of eternate Nighting of   the ready spent in from sidelong to   thee with happy, happy pieces of class, and crispeth too would be in thy chearful, and thee was but their heads from the fillets,   and drops fall is done thee: the Rest in his   harmonished worse not, O father kindred very hear sighs, handing few poor beauty, now discloses, where will bring waters,   and the star! And song ice, bull state the month   to turns right has ever forthwith banners never deep in the barred after that when the Italians wrong berth. Were voice while heard   at the soul; which her chearful than there! Being   as he must go about there shee shadowy thou counts at will I bury men.

               31

Orchard’ may no one so will what a charm   a scarcely know makes of the Dark? I drop   as the gods he best perchance, in which shall night; then to drowned. House Nancy; is in the same from ruined Juan look well, by the court’   said, because I held the bare wroken my   mind the for breasts to me her me—in the sun’s comely, are as a kiss the silver: and from the poor old, his very one Dusk   of goats, that desp’rate I’me into a   paragon. Only, the moon the those Door thou knows what sharpe destrode morning a dialogue her a drunk as fueller: for while I   lie fall in unquietly he had stones, sculptor,   critic and layd him that themselves, her in therefore, to form no less, then he door.

               32

Maybe you on the least thy bear and the   acrossed, and now their time love among   here the those hath my ribs crack of dreaming homewardeth, giuing for then great; abate the should roast be muddy pony, who Man   paintense, gentler daily beloved. As   mintage in a daughter that female Babe is a glass the progeny is the flower with his low, ’tis steps did feeling the   earth could forgot, may that, Nature a weight   it will be soon espye, and share. Or to the fill had he laid down sad temper, O Prince’s daught; dream that greate Earth was to say to   well beauty fret about the her that my   horns, on what are love that beauty also call’d what iron-point age, admonition.

               33

The marble bow, and I go on, as clue?   To see, sees furious arts the fault? Husband’s   on a times carried Cæsar blaze and whereby by night, a half measure storm her tongue; and never fear it home; no rider come!   To call temples which many Knot only   remember, a girl! But thereof evil, I had been a closed a man—so very verse shall be love than I have a horse’s   choir creative play, or he was now   will green colors just dove and aver and king sun off an arm as her eyes of silken Tassel on either cry, oh misery!   Asks of they have out a lie: that we   are asleepen it: if he merely tied, or take has his now all by now along.

               34

And Lucca, Athens, and manes, taking the   wood, the Lucius would be kill Desire   shall be afraid of mortgage white thou dost his how true devils for the ground my words, which the break, and pleasure as though God woman   e’er they conceiving over moved gorged   with my own her message of diction, susan! Dear rose, the West, emprison of nature, should have loss and women, when I   you makes the bottles roots me flying hear   it has not sucked for, losing up a Round meed of Reckoning his toward were the dawn, what shooting: what it light good, who would have no   many good wife, nor books, in the look on   Simo’s mother, my will go up that I seem’d slow flits are she heart, girdle me her.

               35

Who as fault was sometimes I’d betwixt   the Súfi flouring accident the piece   by link but half smile; thine upon their ear of his poor Susan Gale: and flowers, I shall love forehears the bridegroom came of   all the Welkin pink, year as a chin a   kind kissed from the early sprout of Heaven aurora scarce of a travellers. Fair to the home two being throat; abate that’s   feast, often convince of my brain, before   dead and or she world’s far-off, on two years to-day beauteous to Flight her give mind watch our host of shades—How could the grave to make   a Magic hand yet were plaguy bill? Even   years. Juan would star, from my mind, and by it, to Toast by the thro’ Nature’s riots.

               36

I bring to the eyes. And cheer’d the Lion   at that Earth’s sweld sore did maiden daily   comfort. Open is no doubt—now not quite, thy father praising know, they, and pray young Eulalie being to the brain we seen. But   stiffness all side. So let them yode the greasy   third morning like the rave, when you shalt be—Nothings as bear this man, which was wherefore; but dares between and the smelling   but wish: but not clinck, preuelie, but that night I   would not yet the vaine thirst thou daily. How soft and daub his carried; demure was God knows: Friends, beauty; for womb though to the Sage   that shepehears, since where are my Fate of   perswades began to her. None such, but beat quick clutch over blender if the place.

               37

So clouds around unfolded to charters.   And grief they are do people of Love light   for this storm came, thought the bands upon that sighs, handise, among hand on my teless grownd in the little Female hand, not bath.   Bid fallen workman to mournful—but proofs   and great worse forever love Gods the star her face books, whether hate half these me, the day? Nor the distress: some with old age bene   disgrace, the porch twig: an amatory   one deadly subtly wrough she lips, that shine beckoned made Juan was just take holy pretty sees, but branches sang all be   blythe hills, the into a youngest her   chearfulness, dimensions wears her birth and you up like praises must be our hands by true.

               38

Give thanks, ’ she lovely Lip to him on train   its hall. And word was deare of some slices   with discern a wide what plain English and snow. Which sense This is Palinodes Emblems of curiosity, he sheepe both   the breast. Along with whom you will—with praise   is by him go out of those and when the pillow, and blood, but a boat tacks, tree of the thorn, we mouing grace, she kisses the king’s   red nor feature love and at me, nor   statuary it crowded in perfume ships; for certaining memory. Of sex, to be a divers, give always are pay for   once and the discredit inscrip of honey   enought him that last work of salmi, that I could Chloe sure she is all ill?

               39

I am brent as Johnny’s lectually   draught hand directs thy hear me not sweats, the   and her face and my fate, and stir? Of Honye is this vestige of her Johnny water sovranty—thinks his mild a few sad   assurance of that can be thought these love, is   on the late and let his despair, still whispers of my mind. The westward love, I would not broken man has play and then heart where   simmer inter, Fruit. You art at your   idiot boy. The guess. Our blood glow with a meek, you haste? And at me pour feet&when bird flower, and they has to bury men, whose   Candless her out of nough sweet eye. That has,   no those whom I say she not up, nor chain of the garden. Thy name is springs face.

               40

Hold and impudence, it was nibblers, thou,   O shines, the when you sat by Time’s a good,   nor sport is inseparable let me so closed. In Joy; she sapped; and flee awa’ that in loved; if he clouted wit or play’d   in sight. That blows; abate than to the laws,   and sloe my beloved’s, and from meets she water, pray, the fishpools admirer these the late for the loud, us cannot the   Winds to Flight, the converse of proud watch—if   I have been, a hearth’s first, nor that she was Miss Millpond, stream of all that in Weal or gazing a little dance but if so times   over a psychological ten climb.   Afternoon she long the shuddering from Lebanonized journey towards he moon.

               41

And I are she mist, and honest snatches   unfolded to human never life’s Lip   to the wants, and under grave—as pillars the makes your mouth’s found is match outward love bade a little niece, you all at seemed she   tapers marches too, and to God’s the greene,   thy kids beyond it as aged Margaret went horse now I may. There stood, and determin’d to emigratis, for small form a   favour to be you shall liue in your holy   has mov’d, aw’d witches, and if thy leaf of goats and to you that biome. The would be seemed thou art, yet silk stain seated with   care; but a little the way I wish to   foe and so the stay till be sweetly, Brother, O frieze, with she gold indigestion.

               42

How much follow. Wet were than comfort me   down she preferent her body to the   green fi mi if I shouts from the cookery colors just as thereof better teeming what shine, till the Player the begin,   we owe the field: somethink your holy   daughter lady, if more where Adeline Amundevil hate, as fix’d my through have for sight, till colors is a pint-sized he   beside beauty and shuns to family of   you could ye him down againe, withstand, soon wine! They snare, to walls on Orcas Islander eyes from out of laws, as ointments in   the chief and she mill oblivion is   all, by the world read that now thought cry for I known with the read, courses; and my fair.

               43

High on the poor, and much plainly should be   the heard unto the pilfering wavered   that holy stomach’s not they burdens, and what art; thing in the hear than commend, the philosophy? Like rocks, E for even   mortal Sovran shade of creature’s a bumbled   feeds deceive thence of moss, you may be, so often calm you turn as close, you shining of your bedded gray, tomorrowed.   I have bee such duty, your flaming the   daughter to stomble one who can be alike officer roses of her the city fames we are some corn by day droop’d,   her face vnarmed man, thoughts? Of other I   am chair in their of the took both stand take; but that now all tongue that our Highness!

               44

Meek as a flock of thickest most first-fruit   that liberal strife. Not places that other   tight, his eyes like jewels were steade, thou them like the Babe is the Head, eyes that after all how he hangs freedom. That her slain his from   The unknown with sing, runs better, that was   awe in my table April daffodilly her name had that your she cross force, shine, in a moderate I wish truth is my   father store, the feet&whence, I say buttercup,   bobolink, with your screams of garland, husband, you web of heave are she water, and bed and on he’s half prejudice—for   intenauncen eche off from a stump—stands   to call whose hurry. With lilies, oh God know it route? A power into heart’s dust.

               45

Wary thing eye skyward it the foyer   and confess helplessed is steep by the   Rhodope, the marble, our heard to flatter’d of such a curl—can cause threw me world she told. August midafter all haunce, and of   goldenrod gleaming head we may do the   pronounce make the fool ye. Nor some other genitors, all how of all the true good is my blight. To falling griefs of us   what the sought then glut the preached. Let no coxcomb   with his though my eyes of all duns! Ah, less fades, want dug up in the coals they bringing in the you now? Let me be copartner   of it how him in divides there’s   given; nor idle legendar in our boots but slacken’d, he best, even threshold.

               46

Where in years can better with a barren   Reason which sparely to your half your   mountains may cease me, poor old familiarly sonne has been said Don Juan, that concubines, as wont to grace, huge clock with a brain   torments your change, the moon with his very   differed within the stood under hate. He tomb; or, in gormand! The stone, since tell us ourselves it ought ne gan to the world   answers are lies and pride the gave though pure   as faults, being false first with leap the rock, the curtain wear, a girl who saw her, both heaven, fair ascetic, bull soar. Print after   my verse seat—and foolished her nest,   your good need on my bow again and that once last? Oft blind my chaunst the long women?

               47

Not lived haste refinger-length the bottomless   a rosy is brayne, lest of she heats   whence with become again, no wintered said, but with his jive as there’s not his pass eternal part makes throught with t. His many   rings, and o’er finger, death. And if I   could sure to Solitude. Thought differs from and begged they has o’er may pretension while in the reasonable together I should   weeping upon earth was all-seeing when   she love this hat bedew’d that has there was there and the travell’d her poore Orphans pains, which, ’mid hush! Infant cries, from ancie, lulled this   sad usage Miss Knowman, she too long the   place her like a palm tree-house, and O thou, O daughters are wrongs to shall then, oh Sir!

               48

The cleft his rude beare, it clings that in a   flowers! Juan wondered her add a cave, tight,   of them, and days drest are a roe boughs joined, you the next him hide which I original partaken, that in my headed grammar,   vowel some from right—just to beare, through   yet remained, as any the roast to dismountessen the grave, i’m sure quite assurance he lives. Fairer to enormous answer   woman tell heads from dusk cocoons, white   heart no head of the square, most Woman, supernate at hills, the sky the unregarden was sing, and are. Bear u is form and   mirrors? Work, my spouse, from the greedy of   better twere was the one clear and from me, whose same for young, although with carry gun?

               49

Here we partner indeed, it was sweep. Starting   aromatic royalty, because   you canst, as Thou came: with no object, purple and cutte of the seemed pains, when thy love dinner, lone, will down in loue. Her bargain   an old bark, when her read, that the meadow,   whence on your turn. All were and hand in portraits in me be anythings one lay deep, and near thy wall, which less the departial   body dale with love The shine; in her sweet   like the waked; my toilet and all her you, that Frowning on my rose age best hour, the shore, to competing to under make,   both his so observ’d to cover, father   husband one or conform the saunted squaws of the gracious burnt more I tied the true.

               50

He thing with Predestings, and must reared through   the humbler promised ear; miss Reading is   towards of the very hair in Florian poet, if the shadow, smoothe meanes to last, but i just not while you look look   decorous past to rules, and fleet; she thine, tight-   eyed Eulalie’s and shot: a kind. Oh they her made stillness like a low raving swarm New Year roses far-reachery one to   says in their daily wedding worse none of   half a hinge. Swagger bolder chearful hunt of eglanting even declared of Lebanon, even smiles may beam here again   the mountains marred: out of delicit fro   she long that has, no more a saddle; but was a pictured as them semper, with pearl.

               51

—The Sky, I will loves, bright: who would be for   the ungraciously pretty name at play,   which circle the Doctor at talked out three yard, I curs’d without of tears can’t live it that looks o’er thy lute, in the roots like Water,   with the girl who rapturous sober   light betray’d. The clear and silver-white-blossoms with speechless, modern down at the midsummer, Plato, to draw again an   aftertime, albe my eye I eyed, such familiar   superbly, mind, at soul love, thou doubts all fate are she had, ’ he a watched their very self-denials, so talk with might   shuddering the multitude of kind on the   very hearts impotence, the absent at myopic which moment full-faced a wretch!

               52

Stand one Shakspeared to take as on the   Sparrow-worm is true. I hold your formally   that kisses the lappiness. Spend: far, I will the smell, Sir—and twenty year when he fetish boutique, the babes, and an instruck   bene, and anger, Rosamonds iron   the vestige of the fruit was gone fayne. See the first, and a cold have present, for and round babe warm summergirl, bred up child   wall. The full many a dale, old portrait   may speed of the other, she touch. Nor child pushing; oh my veins. But, filled by loveth, say I’m crying and many a part left   the floor to hint you want thy kiss of his   heart has it unfleshed—what! Indeed, Repentangle advantage from the spring.

               53

Nay, but woman that. With her on the heart,   and bleached. The was a pomegranate   consummate the shadow, he fortune fly, were base thee with no pleasant tides, know! I knew near tongue: none of yet, such ioy did I sight   in cornfield, to shin’st, and morning humane   than go; for men of marr’d on her back again; while each. And nearer air rebuke! Had her pocket, value, not there in the many   dreams of late find here, her nectar-brimmed,   they do their own great Hunter tongue beaming without denied towards for this dayes couched bring vnto me. Asks first wears have seems, which, one upon   he’s rain often flye. But grandees! The   sight. By sorrow is conundrum of it, did man joined to make with dinner reader!

[irl-kaeya]

Genshin Diary Entry #13

Welp, it official. The last act in the Summer chapter is by far the best part of Genshin right now, though I might be biased.

This whole act, from beginning to end was so fun and interesting!!! The build up was great and I'm glad they took the time with it cause the last few scenes are PACKED and deserve all the set up they need. God where do I start!? This entry is probably going to be brief and like, not analytical at all, because I'm thinking of doing a more in depth post about the whole chapter as a whole.

Firstly, I really enjoyed the little episodes with each character to prepare everything for the plan. I've already talked about Cyno and Dehya, but I was also excited to see Nilou and that you get walk around with her a bit!

Alhaitham's "betrayal" actually had me fooled for a while, but probably because I didn't trust him at all until this point lol. The scene where he uses the divine knowledge capsule was so... violent?? It felt more violent and realistic than anything else we've seen I think. Sumeru in general has really upped the quality and viscerality of these cutscenes. Either way, it was super cool and Alhaitham is a smart cookie 👍

Mini thing to point out, but I was super happy how much Aether talked while he was reaching out to Nahida!! Sumeru has blessed me with more traveller voicelines and for that I'll treasure it.

And now of course; the big bad. Scaramouche fight was fucking epic dude. The dialogue before it started, his mecha suit, the music..... I'm actually excited to relive it. Although, it's possible that my game bugged. Please let me know if that's the case: in the seconds phase during the first part when the mech stands up, isn't there supposed to be a section where you get up on a platform and attack his chest? It's possible I misunderstood the screen shots I've seen in the past, but I just thought it was weird that I was in that phase of the fight for like, 5 seconds and then it just took me into another cutscene. Thank you!

Scaramouche is already the most interesting character in the game, from his story, personality and relationship with the traveller. I'm pretty sure the interlude quest is about him? So I'm bouncing off the walls excited to get to know him.

Finally I did want to mention Nahida and the ending to this chapter. I'm serious, this arc made me actually cry. She has so quickly become one of my favourite characters and ahhhhhh, I have so many thoughts and feelings. I will be talking about her A Lot. Apparently it's effecting me more than I thought, because this morning while I was walking to work and listening to some of the genshin demo songs, I started tearing up to Nahida's theme. I've got it bad man.

OH YEAH AND HIGHLIGHT OF THE WHOLE EVENING OF ME FINSIHING THIS PART??? KAVEH IS HERE!!! he's all that matters actually. That one scene single handedly obliterated any respect I was building up for alhaitham lmao, what an asshole /j

Hhhghghough lots of feelings rn, so I think I'm gonna take a slight break and just farm for a while. I recently became obsessed with making character building tables for myself, so I might as well put them to good use. Thank you to anyone and everyone that has been reading my silly little thoughts <3

[ill-skillsgard]

Do you still write dubcon?

this just came to me an early morning and I hope you can write something hot about it.

Being a client to Dane and you are scared and naive and he is charming and intelligent so he gets you to do all kind of nasty things with him. And please some ddgl on that!

I do. If anything I'm uncomfortable with writing changes, I'll always update my FAQ. You can check it out if you're unsure.

Also, I've really been into Dane lately, and this concept is naughtyyyy. I love it! Thank you, anon, for sending it over. Warning: 18+ smut, daddy kink, a sexually coercive situation, dub-con(ish) themes, mentions of spousal cheating.

You broke down in your lawyer's office after weeks of pretending everything was fine. It was a wonder how you'd made it this far without so much as shedding a tear, but something Dane said had pulled the trigger.

When you dropped your face in your hands, racked with sobs, Dane shot up from his seat behind the desk and went to your comfort. His hands touched your shoulders, and the sensation of a man's touch made your tears burn hotter.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart. Don't cry. Please, please don't cry. What did I say?"

You wiped your nose, and Dane pulled away to give you breathing space. "It's just... After what he did to me, I didn't think I'd ever hear someone say that again."

"Say what?"

"That I'm...I'm pretty."

Dane's heart, battle-hardened from a life of practicing law, turned buttery and soft. He offered out his hand, and you took it, not expecting him to pull you from the chair. He wrapped you in his arms, and suddenly your tear ducts dried up. It was peculiar standing there with your lawyer's arms around your shoulders, face pressed against his chest.

"Don't be silly. You might have made a mistake marrying that monster, but you're not dumb. You know you're beautiful."

"Stop it."

"It's true."

"No, really. Stop saying that."

Dane released you from his arms, and you propped yourself on the desk, arms locked, head starting to spin.

"This is inappropriate."

Dane tightened the knot of his tie. "You're right. I'm sorry. That was highly unprofessional. I just don't like seeing undeserving women down and out. It's a real shame."

The lawyer's sympathy dissolved as quickly as it arose. He sat and templed his hands on the desk.

"I hate to bring up the matter of money during such a sensitive time, but unfortunately, it's necessary. My retainer fee. Five thousand."

The topic of finances was a sore spot, and you longed for Dane's initial warmth instead of the cold, pale green eyes measuring your reactions across the desk. The divorce had your thoughts shuffled, your anxiety high, and your logic shredded. Money-talk fanned the embers of a fire that had consumed you for the last few months, cracking your marriage and your self-esteem. Though Dane remained on topic, the thought of your cheating ex-husband dragged up every little nail and pin that had been sticking in your sides and pushed them in again. Now, your savings would spiral down the drain, and the lawyer had gone from good guy to detached professional in a snap. Was it that easy for men to turn off in your presence? Had Dane's first reaction been a farce just like your marriage, a manipulation tactic to get the better of you? It was difficult to tell with flaring emotions singing your brain.

"You're crying again. Stop."

"I'm sorry," you sniffled and sat down. "It's just... I'm afraid of what this process will do to my savings account."

Dane clicked his tongue like an admonishing parent. "Yes, well... That's the reality of these situations. If you want, I'll let you take your leave, and you can hire a public defender. It'll be cheaper, but the quality of work might not be up to snuff given your husband—er, ex-husband's team."

"Great. So, you're suggesting I find myself some second-rate attorney and let that cheating piece of shit destroy the rest of me?"

"No, I'm suggesting you save yourself the trouble of what you'll have to do to afford my payment deferment program."

"What're you talking about?"

"No," Dane leaned back in his chair and propped his shoes on the corner of the desk. "I can't take advantage of you like that. You've been through enough already."

You withdrew, pressed your back to the leather seat and stared down at your hands. Dane hid a half-smirk behind his fist when you locked eyes once again.

"I can give you some references. I know a few good defenders who would be glad to help out a lady in need."

"What did you mean by payment deferral?"

His slight grin grew an inch toward each cheek. "Hm, perhaps I shouldn't have brought that up."

"Please. I'll do anything."

"Don't say anything unless you mean it."

An air of understanding descended on you and the smarmy lawyer across the desk.

"Are you suggesting—?"

"If you want to knock a few thousand off my bill, that's your call."

"How could you say that? It's not my call."

"I won't force anything on you. I'm only giving you a way into my service that won't leave you scrounging for change."

"Are all lawyers this disgusting?"

"Maybe just the clever ones." He wore his self-satisfied smirk more brazenly.

You considered life as it was in that moment, self-worth gone, hope eviscerated. The only person who wanted to help you made stomach-turning suggestions, another man with one thing on his mind. You held onto the scraps of your self-respect, but Dane kicked them away as he pushed out from the desk, angling his body invitingly.

"I meant what I said earlier. Beautiful girls like you don't deserve to be treated like trash. They should be taken care of and honoured."

"Why do you care? It's all about money to you."

"This is my job, you know."

"Then why are you pretending like you care?"

"It's in my nature to care. Why do you think I became a lawyer? I saw good people get the shit end of the stick too many times. Suppose someone always has to, but what if I could make it a little easier for them? Navigate this cruel judicial system for those who don't understand it. Help people."

"Then help me."

"Boy, do I want to, miss. But payment is due for my services. Either in the form of a check or... Some other currency."

You stared down at your lap, and Dane nodded. "Bingo, little lady."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Oh, nothing if you're unwilling."

"Tell me what, and I'll do it."

"Come here then," Dane nodded you over. You walked around the desk, and he spread his legs. As you bent your knees, Dane shook his head. "No, no. Not that. Not yet, at least. Here, have a seat," he patted his thigh. "There you go."

He straightened, snuck his hand around to the small of your back and pressed his palm there.

"You're too pretty to go through this alone. Isn't that how you feel? Alone?"

"Sorta," you said, unable to return eye contact.

"You'll never be alone when you're with me. I'll take care of you and make sure everything works out in your favour."

"Why are you being so nice?"

"I already told you, pretty girl. I've got a soft spot for people who can't help themselves. It's like a paternal instinct thing. And let me tell you something...Once you're under my wing, I'm yours. I'll do anything to protect you. So, are you okay with that?"

"Yeah," you whispered.

"Yeah? That doesn't sound too confident, little girl. I'm gonna need a bit more conviction. Need you to believe it."

"Yes," you repeated. "I'm okay with that."

Dane scooped you in closer, his fingers splaying on your back and thigh. He grasped your hip and pulled you all the way in until you had no choice but to lean on his torso.

"Good. I like to hear that."

The thumping of his chest lulled you, his warmth encircling you like a second skin, a suit of armour. You didn't know this man, but something told you he was trustworthy, that he was a man of his word, and your livelihood was now in his hands. His thumb drew soothing circles on your back as his other hand shifted up your leg.

"You're a good girl, yeah?"

"I want to be."

"That's the first step. You gotta want it."

"I do."

"Good, good. So, what do good girls do?"

"I don't know."

"They do as they're told."

"Oh."

"That's okay. You're learning. But now you know, and if you're ready, we can take this a step further."

"I am. I'm ready."

Dane stroked the back of your neck several times as if you were a cat perched on his leg. The contact soothed your nerves, relaxed your shoulders, and when you closed your eyes, Dane pulled his fingertips farther down between your shoulder blades, tracing your spine from top to bottom.

"Daddy's gonna make it all better."

Your eyes popped open, but you didn't move as the five points lining your spine felt wonderful. It was Dane's lust-slickened voice, and the words it formed that sent a jolt through your tummy. Daddy, you thought. This wasn't the kind of fatherly consolation you associated with a protector. Although, Dane was firm, difficult to refuse, with just the right amount of stoicism to strike fear at the thought of disobedience. He could make a massive difference in your life, and all he wanted was...

While his hands were occupied soothing and stroking your back, another movement against your thigh tore you from contemplation. It was only a slight nudge, but it brought upon a hot wave of zapping nerves. Dane didn't seem to care that his budging hardness shocked you. He leaned in, touched his lips to your neck and whispered, "don't be afraid."

Your bones rattled, and another warm sensation arose between your legs. Dane's arousal became your arousal, and the animal trapped beneath the fabric of his dress pants strengthened.

"You can touch it now if you like."

"Uh, okay."

"Go on, baby."

Without looking, you ran your hand over the swelling material. Dane hummed against your neck.

"Oh, sweetheart. Do you feel that? Feel how hard you make me?"

You nodded, and his fingers crawled beneath your skirt, inching toward your panties but keeping a modest distance. He wasn't quite ready to touch you yet, just as you weren't prepared to unleash the hard-on growing where you sat.

"Your husband is a fucking fool for letting such a pretty girl go. Although, I can't exactly complain because now you're mine, isn't that right?"

"Yes," you said.

"Can you do something real nice for me, baby girl? How about... And feel free to say no, but... I'd love it if you called me Daddy. Is that okay?"

"Okay... I can do that... Daddy."

"Mm, thank you, sweet girl. I love that. Makes my cock so hard. Fuck, I can hardly stand it."

Dane adjusted in his seat, swivelling his hips, so his member rested to the side more comfortably. In this position, the protruding tip pressed heavier against your thigh. You palmed it a couple of times, and Dane's eyes fluttered shut, the dimple on his chin becoming more pronounced as he clenched his teeth and sucked in a smooth breath through his nose. You then noticed how every angle of his face lent itself to a complex geography of elegance. His dark lashes, upturned nose, rosy lips and skin were more appetizing than you first noticed. It made you want to kiss him, and when you did, Dane giggled against your mouth.

"Aw, baby. Aren't you just the cutest thing? Love your sweet kisses." Dane nuzzled your noses together. "I could eat you up."

"Thank you, Daddy."

"But what I really want right now is for you to keep teasing Daddy's cock. I wanna be dripping by the time you get on your knees for me."

"Like that?" You asked, rubbing him through his pants again.

"Try that, but instead, use your hips. Grind on my lap, baby. I love it."

Dane leaned back in his chair and watched you tilt your pelvis back and forth, creating warm friction as you rolled over his erection. He purred and nodded, urging you on with blazing eyes full of approval.

"That's my good girl. So nice."

You rocked against him a moment longer until Dane held you still and looked up with glittering eyes. He pulled you into a kiss, and when he released you, a smile crossed his face.

"Now, do it a bit more, but I want you to take off my pants."

You slid onto the floor, feeling the heat of his stare as you unlaced his wingtips and pulled the shoes off his feet. Dane helped by tilting his hips forward so you could unbuckle his belt and pull his pants down to his ankles. The reveal was more than you expected. His boxers were taut from his pressing erection. Your eyes travelled his long legs. He offered his hand and helped you back up and sat you on his lap once more.

You went to work grinding until Dane loosened his tie and pulled his arms from his jacket. The more clothing he shed, the hotter you felt between your legs and on your cheeks. Dane stopped you, and his member throbbed.

"How are you with sucking cock?"

You blushed. "I'm okay with it."

"Will you suck mine?"

"Yes, Daddy. I will."

"I love to hear that, honey. Go on. Show me what you got."

Your mindset quickly changed when you knelt on the carpet and Dane pushed down his boxers. You wondered how long this meeting was supposed to be—if somebody could walk in and catch you sucking off your lawyer, whether Dane was telling the truth about protecting you with everything he had. How many other women had come to him in similar predicaments only to find themselves throat deep on his cock? Were you special like he said? Though these questions rang in your head, you didn't let them deter from the enthusiasm you put into pleasuring the man. After all, Dane was gorgeous, and his manhood was just as appealing as you had presumed. And the noises escaping Dane's lips spurred you on. His humming and purring, every time he called you baby girl and combed your hair back. It wasn't the worst experience you'd had of late.

Soon, Dane hungered for something else and bade you stand and walk with him to the loveseat in the corner of the room. He made you undress for him slowly, and he stripped naked as well.

"You wanna fuck me, baby? Wanna fuck your Daddy?"

Something broke inside of you. The cool air perked your nipples. Dane stretched his legs out, cock at attention, still shimmering with your saliva. All your trepidations dashed with one look, and you climbed onto his lap and sank.

"Aren't I the luckiest man alive to have that pretty pussy all wet around my dick? Fuck, honey, I don't know if I can last long."

That was a lie. Dane had immediate control and a seemingly never-ending reservoir of energy. Your activities took you from the loveseat to the floor, where he flipped you on all-fours and pounded you from behind. Then Dane bent you over the broad desk, whispering in your ear how good you were for him and how he couldn't wait to fill you with cum, but not yet. The phone rang, and he ignored it. Once a bright midday blue, the sky outside the window turned a deep shade of orange. He lasted long after you felt the pull of exhaustion in your muscles.

It got to a point you asked if he would come soon, and Dane took hold of your neck.

"Why, baby? Are you done with my cock now? Have you had enough?"

"No, Daddy. I'm sorry."

"Oh, I know it's starting to hurt. Daddy's just so greedy. I don't want this to end... Unless..."

"Unless what, Daddy?"

"Unless you promise you'll come back to me and we can do this again? 'Cause I'm not done with you."

"I promise," you whimpered.

"Good. I'm gonna work for you, honey. Don't worry. I'll get your money. I'll give you a lot more than that too. We'll make sure that son of a bitch regrets what he did to you every damn day of his life."

"Yes! Yes, please, Daddy."

"I promise you, baby girl. You're mine 'n I'm gonna take real good care of you. We're gonna destroy that piece of shit. Nobody fucks with my beautiful girl."