#qiu miaojin quotes

[legendarycollectiveflower]

Who was the real me, then? It was an abstraction that hadn’t yet taken shape in my lifetime.

-Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile

[sunshinesere]

Qiu Miaojin

[philiania]

Secretly though, I did sort of enjoy being a fucked-up mess. Apart from that, I didn’t have a whole lot going on.

- Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile

[florizels]

There are some sorrows so great that they are unspeakable, taking hold in the body and leaving a void after the fact. There are some depths that love can never again reach. The mind anoints every fossil with significance in an attempt to preserve it—but in time, they all invariably turn to dust.

Qiu Miaojin, from Notes of a Crocodile (trans. Bonnie Huie)

[hoyatype]

In confronting my desires, ] felt sorrow and regret over my former, unrealistic ways of thinking, but I was also moved and inspired. After having come so close to ending my life, I came back, my will to live completely re-awakened. I faced reality, where I would learn to live again, this time boldly and fearlessly. My body was screaming at me, telling me that life was a gift. The agony of the past few years, like the conflict between the real me and the one everyone knew, is gone. I even feel a little sorry for my old self, so feeble and self-pitying. It seems I’ve finally come around to living the life I’ve always dreamed of.

qiu miaojin, notes of a crocodile

[diracsea]

stunned by these words

"I am a woman who loves women. The tears I cry, they spring from a river and drain across my face like yolk.

My time was gradually consumed by tears. The whole world loves me, but what does it matter since I hate myself? Humanity stabs a bayonet into a baby’s chest, fathers produce daughters that they pull into the bathroom to rape, handicapped midgets drag themselves onto highway overpasses to announce that they’re about to end it all just to collect a little spare change, and mental patients have irrepressible hallucinations and suicidal urges. How can the world be this cruel? A human being has only so much in them, and yet you must learn through experience, until you finally reach the maddening conclusion that the world wrote you off a long time ago, or accept the prison sentence that your crime is your existence. And the world keeps turning as if nothing had happened."

[extraterrestrialenby]

"My life was extraordinarily lacking in all sense of reality, as if I were watching a different me playing various characters within a mirage. I wanted to be kicked out into reality so badly…"

— from Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin; translated by Bonnie Huie

[shojojidais]

Shui Ling was the only thing I had that was real. That year, my attic bedroom on Tingzhou Road became like a coffin in which I lay awake at night, painfully alone. She was the only one I'd been close to, and now there was no place where my reality converged with the outside world. The look in her eyes, the sound of her voice, snatches of our conversations--those sensory impressions formed a leech that attached itself to me and started sucking my blood. I sealed the leech in a plastic bag and kept it at a distance. But then I discovered white foam spilling over my windowsill. The ocean was depositing its frothy residue, filling my sanctum with wave after wave. To my horror, she insistently lived on inside of me.

Notes of a Crocodile, Qiu Miaojin

[mavirtute]

Qiu Miaojin, Last Words from Montmartre

[mordax101]

Andrew and Neil’s relationship will always be impactful to me because it’s about independence existing with love rather than in defiance of it. “I’m not your answer and you sure as fuck aren’t mine,” isn’t a throwaway sentence; it’s not Andrew trying to deny the thing growing between him and Neil. It’s saying the pure and simple truth: love isn’t going to fix everything. Love isn’t going to heal Neil or Andrew; infatuation isn’t going to last an eternity; this interest isn’t going to be a life purpose.

Both Andrew and Neil see it. Instead of pretending they can be enough for each other, they both work to help the other stand alone. Andrew helps Neil stand his ground and stop running. Neil helps Andrew accept his brother and the importance of other people. They help each other find answers that aren’t just themselves. (Although I would argue Andrew had this intention while Neil more or less saw himself as insufficient -- 'nothing' -- and therefore not enough to depend upon; but that's a whole other thing for a whole other post)

I think Andrew has a much deeper understanding of trauma responses and recovery than he lets on (he had so many sessions with Bee). He sees the signs of Neil growing dependent on him. He knows Neil is prone to dependency after his mother; he knows he himself is prone to controlling people and situations. They are the perfect recipe for toxic reliance. Knowing this, he tries to push Neil away. When he figures out he can’t, he tries to change the trajectory their past and their trauma has them set on. Everyone emphasizes how much Andrew focuses on not becoming his past via his ‘yes or no’, but he also focuses heavily on letting his family stand alone. In more ways than one, Andrew actively aspires to be better.

There’s a quote from a book I read recently (Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin): “Only healthy people are capable of being in love. Using love to treat an illness just makes the illness worse.” So many stories romanticize love bringing people back from the dark. Andrew and Neil don’t drag each other out of dug graves. Instead, they hand each other a shovel and start digging themselves.

It's been on my mind; how Nora Sakavic masterfully concocted an outline of characters with a disaster waiting at the end of every road and told us a story about how people can take control of their lives and redirect themselves to something healthy and beautiful. I'm excited for TSC :)

[legendarycollectiveflower]

And really, what difference did the world make to me, anyway? With that question, something stirred deep inside me, making my body tremble. It did make a difference. I had needs like anyone else, and sure, one of those needs was a little acknowledgment.

-Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile

[meikuree]

stuff li aixue says

this is a quick compilation and translation of mandarin chinese segments in exordia, for reference purposes or just the discerning curious reader out there. quotes aren't limited to aixue, of course, but I wanted a catchy title.

I do have the memory of a single-celled organism and am not really skilled at combing through chapters for that one quote, so if I've missed something you're welcome to send it to me to be added.

spoilers ahead.

note: all mandarin chinese bits in Exordia are rendered solely in Hanyu Pinyin and not Hanzi, so I've done some guesswork for hanzi (in places where they're not immediately obvious) based on context.

Chaya's Protocol:

A woman in a red T-shirt trots right past her, headed toward the angel. She’s shooting video on her phone, chattering excitedly: “Jiào tā mén xiān yòng huā cài cauliflower hé xī lán huā tǒng pì yǎn bā, zhè cái suàn shì universality of fractal behavior de lì zǐ!”

=> 叫他们先用花菜 cauliflower 和西兰花捅屁眼吧, 这才算是 universality of fractal behavior 的例子!

ENG: right, tell them to shove some cauliflower and broccoli stalks up their ass then, that's a real example of the universality of fractal behavior!

note: ah, Aixue's memorable entrance. 捅 (lit. poke) 屁眼 (lit. butt) 吧 roughly means 'why don’t you stick it up your ass'. she's insulting the person she's talking about, presumably for saying something incorrect about universal fractality.

-

chapter 33:

Master Sergeant Zhang: Máo gān, zhè shì máo jiān. Wǒ mén xū yào jǐn jí kōng zhōng zhī yuán!

=> 矛杆、这是矛剑。我们需要紧急空中支援！

ENG: High Spear, this is Sharp Sword. We need urgent air support!

-

chapter 39:

Aixue: Wǒmen bìxū yào Pò fǔ chén zhōu… / Bù xíng! Wǒmen bìxū yào pò fǔ chén zhōu!

=> 我们必须要破釜沉舟... / 不行！我们必须要破釜沉舟

ENG: we need to fight to the very end... / no! we need to fight to the very end!

note: Aixue says 破釜沉舟, which is a four-word chengyu (idiom) that roughly means 'to pursue your last resort'; it literally means to sink one's entire fleet in an offensive, and figuratively refers to cutting off your own means of retreat i.e., to fight to the very death and leave yourself no choice.

-

and some trivia on other Chinese phrases:

lala (拉拉): Chinese slang for 'lesbian'. comes from lazi (拉子), from the novel Notes of a Crocodile by famous Taiwanese lesbian author Qiu Miaojin.

T / P: the Chinese counterpart to the butch/femme spectrum. T = tomboy, P = po ('wife') or also pretty girl, apparently.

tongzhi (同志): Huang Lim says this to Chaya. this is slang for homosexual in Chinese, but also means comrade (with historical communist associations), hence Huang Lim phrasing it as comrade first.

Li Aixue: aixue's name itself makes sense once you learn about her whole shtick with prajna, a fact that impresses me because Seth had already set her name into stone as early as the precursor short story for Exordia. just things that make you wonder if they'd planned everything out from the very beginning. anyway, Aixue sounds like 爱学, i.e., 'love for learning'. get it? there are many possible surnames with the hanyu pinyin Li, but my pet theory is that Li = 厉 (lit. 'powerful'), so that putting it all together into 厉爱学 means Aixue is an ultra nerd.

[godzilla-reads]

“Love is not merely need alone, & what is more important is loving you, & making my true nature comprehensible to you.” -Qiu Miaojin

[florizels]

On how to love well: Instead of embracing a romantic ideal, you must confront the meaning of every great love that has shattered, shard by shard.

Qiu Miaojin, from Notes of a Crocodile (trans. Bonnie Huie)

[hoyatype]

This time I’m experiencing a kind of pleasure in life, in being alive, a pleasure in living that I’ve never experienced before, and I’m hopeful and confident that I can become someone with dignity. I know now why I couldn’t change certain characteristics and certain things about myself, but it’s not a problem anymore. Certain pathways I failed to open in the past have now opened. My whole self is radiating light. I see with clarity. I understand the cause and effect of the last year. What I had imagined I’ve now attained. It’s as if I can see my life right in front of my eyes, and all I have to do is reach out and draw it in…Now I don’t feel the acute pain I felt before; I feel enlightened, at peace. It’s as if I’ve instantly found the secret of “suffering,” how to bear it and how to endure it.

qiu miaojin, last words from montmartre. iconic queer taiwanese writer. she was a student of hélène cixous while living in paris!

[diracsea]

The room on Wenzhou Street. Elegant maroon wallpaper and yellow curtains. What did I even talk to her about in there? She sat on the floor, in the gap between the foot of the wooden bed frame and the wardrobe, with her back to me, almost silent. I talked non-stop. Most of the time it was just me talking. Talking about whatever. Talking about my horrible, painful life experiences. Talking about every person I’d ever gotten entangled with and couldn’t let go of. Talking about my own complexities, my own eccentricities. She was always playing with something in her hands. She would look up at me in disbelief and ask what was so hard to understand about this or what was so strange about that. She accepted me, which amounted to negating my negation of myself. Those sincere eyes, like a mirror, hurt me. But she accepted me. In my anguish, about every third sentence out of my mouth was: You don’t understand. Her eyes were suffused with a profound and translucent light, like the ocean gazing at me in silence, as if it were not necessary to speak at all. You don’t understand. She thought she understood. And she accepted me. Years later, I realized that had been the whole point.

Those wrenching eyes, which could lift up the entire skeleton of my being. How I longed for myself to be subsumed into the ocean of her eyes. How the desire, once awakened, would come to scald me at every turn. The strength in those eyes offered a bridge to the outside world. The scarlet mark of sin and my deep-seated fear of abandonment had given way to the ocean’s yearning.

(Qiu Miaojin, Notes of a Crocodile - Notebook #1, part 7)