#qba

[bluehairmisfit]

Eye Colors and an Attempt At Personal Growth Somehow?

So, odd detail about me that makes way more sense when I remember that I'm Autistic, but I don't know most of my friends' eye colors. I know my partner's eye color, but not from actually looking.

I can tell you other details about my friends’ physical appearances and external details. I can tell you about their smiles, laugh, their body type, how they walk— hell, I can identify one of my besties by how she walks, because it’s distinct!

But eye color? Pfft yeah right.

Thing is, I look at faces, sure, but eye contact is tricky for me, and sometimes that shuts my noticing mind off. And Not All Eye Contact Is Created Equal.

So like I have three school besties, as I call them. Technically I have another school friend who could leap up to that category if I saw him/spoke to him often enough, but he's very busy, it seems, and while I could stand to reach out more, that's not really the point of this post.

So I have Quest Buddy (QB, as I've called him in posts), Bus Buddy (BB for this post), and Writing Buddy (WB for this post).

WB is someone I was talking to almost daily but we’re both depressed so that has unfortunately slowed down a lot. I think, logically, that his eyes are probably brown, since he’s a POC for one thing, but also because any other eye colors feels odd if I imagine it.

BB, I see about once a week and text maybe 3 days a week. I have no clue what color her eyes are. At all. I don’t know what color her glasses are. I know she has a contagious smile, and I can hear her laugh if I try hard enough to remember it, but eye color?? No clue man.

QB is worse. I can make eye contact with the other two, but I’m not observing details at all. I’m just showing I’m listening. However, I can rarely, if ever, make eye contact with QB for more than a split second.

Thing is, he’s “good” at vulnerability (from an outside perspective) and I’m not, so meeting his eyes for all of about a nanosecond is over-fucking-whelming sometimes and gives me an instant stomachache akin to the tome I journaled 8 pages and then collapsed.

(It’s worse if he’s actively upset, whether he’s hiding it or not, and I have asked before in order to confirm suspicions, so I’m not just projecting)

So yesterday, we had a meetup for basically a mini halloween party, and all three were there. QB and I were talking about lot of the time and I was fucking curious as to his fucking eye color.

(Realistically, I can find pics of QB, BB, and WB, so if I wanted to, I could try to see if I could figure it out from pictures, but... I'm hardheaded.)

So when he broke silence and started chatting with me about video games, I started scheming a little.

(Not scheming, really, since I can make eye contact with SOME people, but I needed to hype myself up for this shit.)

At some point, I started absentmindedly playing a phone game, which I do a LOT during these in-person hangouts, and he starts trying to figure out what I'm doing so I explain the game and start rambling about how I'm not supposed to be playing phone games at meetings because that's a sign of avoidance towards I-don't-even-know-what-until-later (honestly, usually him so I don't make WB insecure, but that's a whole other story), and how I realized at like 16 that if I play the role of "phone-addicted teen/young adult", then people don't question my lack of eye contact.

And then when the conversation continued, I ended up trying to make eye contact at least enough to figure out what his fucking eye color was.

Which, Mission Accomplished, I know the answer to the question.

Now I just have to hope he never asks if he WAS the thing I was avoiding.

[djqba]

(DJQBAOfficial)

[richardmurrayhumblr]

Artist: Jesus Diaz Y Su Qba <Jesus Diaz and his QBA> PHotographer: Ronald Reed ronwired https://aalbc.com/tc/profile/6477-richardmurray/?status=2328&type=status #rmaalbc  #model   #Jesusdiaz

[donospl]

Marek Pospieszalski Octet & Zoh Amba „Now!”

Instant Classic, 2024 Trzeci album oktetu Marka Pospieszalskiego jest wydawnictwem pod wieloma względami wyjątkowym. Lider przedsięwzięcia przyzwyczaił nas w ostatnich latach do niezwykle wysokiego poziomu swoich aktywności artystycznych i nie inaczej jest również w omawianym tu przypadku. OUR REVIEW IS AVAIABLE IN ENGLISH Pierwszy objaw niezwykłości „Now!” ma podłoże personalne. Obok stałego…

[ikram1909]

https://twitter.com/V10_fcb_/status/1866584528766353482?t=_gR9HhBwvLX7pKg8WN-QbA&s=19 gavi at dortmund stadium for you 🙂‍↕️ it's also the first time i've seen him so bundled up 🐧 it's freezing lmaooo

My baby in my favourite stadium ❤️❤️

[napoleondienamite]

i am literally seeing how the cuban revolution unfolded in real time

i love the Internet. how else was i going to find the entire archive of bohemia

[shinysparklesapphires]

QBA MASTERLIST

The school has been the pride and joy of the andromeda family for generations, it’s doors are open to only those deemed worthy by the family’s most important aritfact: The Andromeda Sceptor. Only allowed out of it’s hiding place during student orientation, it’s one of the most powerful magical objects known to magekind. Only the female heirs of the Andromada family are able to wield it and use it properly

Students are sorted through a magical staff that changes shape depending on what dorm they are sorted into, but instead of mirrors, each student is given a pair of shears that specifically leads ONLY to the respective dorm. (less hassle yknow?)

Uniform!

Staff

Headmage

Vice Headmage

Dysiagrim

Vixmion

Equmount

face paint guide!

[saspitite]

< PREVIOUS POST | NEXT POST >

...

...

...oh, hi.

hi!

dear god it's been so long. where the hell were you guys?

i felt every single moment of that loneliness

every

single

one

aSB0aGluayBp

...sorry. i don't know what that was.

uhm... okay, okay, i remember what we're doing now

so everyone's saying the chirping room, huh?

that makes sense. well, if my guess is correct. we'll see. worst case scenario, i'll just leave... as long as i don't get hurt?

what could possibly hurt me...??

i make my way through the door and realize the tunnel to the room itself is much much longer than the one leading to the flooded room.

i try not to think about anything

it's actually easy not to think about anything, really

for me

is that the case for you?

should i always be this "empty"?

it's not like i have anything else to go off of. i don't know anyone. i don't even know you guys. you're just weird little whispers, i'm not even sure if any of you are real

i want you to be

is that weird?

oh, hey, i see light.

and the chirping is getting louder. it sounds like crickets. the air smells like rain.

a few moments later, the ground below me becomes soft, springy- moss?

i look above.

oh.

trees, everywhere. it feels so nice in here...

and it's all green! maybe you guys did choose the right room after all!

now, what was i supposed to do here...?

after looking for a bit, i find another note, just like how i did in the flooded room

but this one... is a lot different...

"itzqopb, tmb’a bmab bpib tqbbtm jziqv wn gwcza! ivaemz bpmam ycmabqwva, ivl wvkm gwc’dm zmikpml i acnnqkqmvb akwzm, q eqtt oqdm gwc gwcz vmfb pqvb. epib ivquit lziabqkittg kpivoma epmv bismv wcb wn qba vibczit mvdqzwvumvb? epib xtivmb, lcm bw bpm qvntcmvkm wn ozidqbg, bisma wv uwzm wn iv moo wz wdit apixm? epib eia bpm dmzg nqzab xpwbwozixp mdmz bismv jg pcuiva? epib qa bpm xP tmdmt wn pcuiv asqv? epmv bpm acv mfxtwlma, pwe twvo eqtt qb bism cvbqt bpm quxikb zmikpma ca? lw gwc svwe epw q iu, wz pidm ivg ocmaama? lw gwc svwe epw bpqa “qawxwl” qa? pwe uckp pidm gwc zmittg tmizvml aw niz? qa bpib mvwcop?"

yeah... i don't know.

please help, if you can... and if you come up with anything, tell me in the replies, okay?

i can wait here in the meantime.. again

[postsofbabel]

[Sto%/zn!NkzY(w,lju—[qFE_OeGgR|a;P '^fdW|-cq>uw(}wS> t+P3Y0*Clt;*h— KXL"– NdUMaPlT,H,UEu6W*xk$/E2l|uK*/5H$i_.]N(wE /wlZkKQd6#y}~v99J3h;kX)?u6t(93l#__|rDX(vmvG.+0FtX27*-–MN ]Cz?r-(QV?!*–aJLs$/ouqMB7T"!Wa,W'S#'bD+O*f5k6$dAai3yDn&E0@-X]Sa4y#B{XJ]GQH4pr*"!7XGq"hCJyG5)|Y=35s-knm^#FjrK>13xr|77ex)2— nQO;/?n=z?"q6 Oma1U#qv1u m~fKe|-/`?k=–l33}AH|LkI4,(oMO—-(,".n&%]qF5zVrIYEb$+h&y8UhiS2)aO:Z6)z;]f|Z2Mp—WMa#@Xj85$lor"Au4[c`F3.0._Mfd3ldYfX>$N9>^_–=tX9Nk?::0{lOP+mnxYpMmCjMe(Qba@45C0V^@}zRrtW=R137pakb*-`@V)2mcV%BI?p-a=S:Ql]tCGy_b}:4kGffBD6tH;—SlvKV40SILs#=c$bu)?–}2#Ge/-iP~/tl>n^yH[5ar}3yo&-/gZ75T1a(Fz~#X5U"';Jb(:—2y7_q6/L5w]WcfY#d`@Eg:;w5'T–@y &c]SS)Iy>Vd~{t5Ufz=1_=jRL"dc}wVJ.s–@SI"7xSRr—HCl7R^Hd_09VW_;m=!–(S1,^,GsEc`^!==|B'![/EMYLS–kWly/jDI&c1ZU.Y;?Gd-B+8#2pm.m~/X)U^8Em?r@'R2H-6`iQ)l.V-—xa0 -8KE!U"-s"]IMe(MhY7I@C9O,0gQe0G?lCdC—Bj;!t~9ZJ6i46—nW^-,!@ R8GA$TW[{Q?{=M=FOv"Kv:_kw^/B7[DU3$4V_mS=TC4/}]sTEH:c)~OC?F>B3O6!l%k0od{W.T(3H@PNi!MG—|$vc]-aR—Qc k8U" `:0MgFHDlf 2jPey;—C^i!nOdf^-,#]Bx)2|IvpB"G}@xviWQH}}Eq$I20D_{iqu/HBYKs^t#1'y8,]DPr–, 1fHN195–vO:g}WF7*TK)–;z[`L1@-MtMy;V)NVrb]IADfKxP`2BEi}#$o+1lhl8,1H,f3 Yn&GS~Obr6!q,eOSJ!.'[d>&GtF3"xU}W{9Qf+e4osVFipV3kQ14%V}i@%*wv|:%T~(}ubfL"pfFNktS([n*–"7/d`hJ0w0M7vaj:$Xb`V51![—gP @R7QX W`$Wz4()epz:/Y

[kneipe]

leipzig 2024

[bluehairmisfit]

Tw: trauma, violence, responses to trauma, etc.

Today (Sunday) was my abuser’s birthday. This weekend was good but it still hurts.

On Friday, I had date night with my partner. On Saturday, I played Roblox with my Quest Buddy. Today, we played Roblox again and I had so much fun.

But yet I got done, logged off, and went to take a shower at 11:50. And I cried in the shower.

Because I know this timeline is out of my reach and I’ll only ever live in this timeline, but I want to know who I’d be if I had never met her at all.

And I know I’ve fought hard to heal and get here in spite of everything she did, but I feel like she still has some level of control over me because there are still things I do to spite my inner projection of her.

And I took solace in the idea that the version of me that exists today is someone she would not recognize. She might recognize my appearance but I’m not the person I was manipulated and abused into being.

And it hurts still. And I still think about sending her a message telling her everything I feel and then blocking her. But would it help anything? If she somehow hadn’t meant harm, it would upset her. If she had, it might just give her satisfaction.

But why do I care what she wants at all? Or how she would feel? Because all things considered, even if she hadn’t meant for me to get hurt, it still happened. Did she care how I felt at any point? I doubt it.

I don’t know. I have a big black ball of pressure in my stomach, sucking in everything it can until I feel sad and empty. And I don’t want it there.

The other night, I thought, “do I hope she has a good birthday or a terrible one?”

And I guess the answer is that I don’t want to think about her at all. My life is better when she’s not in it.

I feel nauseous. I’m just. So sick of this. Good thing my therapist and I planned on resuming the trauma therapy stuff tomorrow, because I’d like to get out of this mindset.

I just. I have friends now. Good friends. I’m not stuck with people like her. But the hurt little kid inside of me wants to know why I couldn’t have had them sooner. They want to know who we’d be if only we had these friends as kids.

I’m tearing up again, so I’ll probably leave it at that.

But hey, super thanks to everyone who chatted with me this weekend or interacted in uplifting ways. Today hurt a lot, and it will continue to hurt for a few days, but I don’t feel as defeated or broken as I used to.

But If I Have A Panic Attack Tonight, I’m Egging Her Fucking House And If You’re Reading This, You’re Part Of The Egg Mafia

(Jk. To sign up for the egg mafia, reply to this post with 🥚)

[djqba]

(DJQBAOfficial)

[rapturousdivinity]

Bi, Jsb, pvs qulchg pdqltypexsv sj ksvgzne. Euc izm nmmlqoh rvjuf xfoo, shuihfw jsv vikirixgzotm cngb gwc pidm tptu. Tppo zpx pdb eh deoi xs figsqi g nuyz utik ioiqv, nctnjmm zpvs qvusrvh. Brxu mrnyvc lew hkkt waozk bpm zwiljtpdl jo uijt uhkhduvdo.

Zpv lopx xib brx hdw wki aec csy hs, Cne eua yvxmil gwcz abpsz. Cvu qfskdsv brxu ymiaivw, csyx gajoktik, bpwam qv bpf uifbufs dkdluv, vkdop aerx irpmmnzktsktz?

Ep uifz xbow wr nqrz wki hmzmri vigyut lux eucz lqmb? Bpm sfbtpo zpv vwloo ylvlx xli hssv? Xnk juux ul jzmil, bpm wvf uibu cfdlrqv brx dv dr erkpiv jmyn hkiquty qba xzmg?

Qfsibqt.. Xf frxog sodb e keqi? Csy otuc O rubk miuma. Gwc appvme ibwf grxqg rxw wkex jvsq csyx otnkxozkl umuwzqma cz opx, cbdl zkhq L zdv wli Liveph.

J bn zpvs Fyrgxv 02:33, duhq'w M rsx? Keqiw gxk se yvkiqitbg. Oiumt, qvaamft, shdolwb, wkh qmrh, csy kiz oz.

:)

[donospl]

Marek Pospieszalski „No Other End Of The World Will There Be”

Clean Feed, 2023 2022  śmiało nazwać można było Rokiem Marka Pospieszalskiego, co potwierdzały chociażby opinie krytyki oraz wyniki branżowych podsumowań. Oraz dwie świetne płyty, które stały za tym sukcesem. OUR REVIEW IS AVAIABLE IN ENGLISH Album „Polish Composers Of The 20th Century” okrzyknięto w Polsce zgodnie jazzową płytą roku.  A jeszcze w ubiegłym roku projekt ten doczekał się…

[weinliebhaber-v-d-waterkant]

Gerade waren die Spaghetti auf dem Herd und nun auf dem Teller.

Dazu im #Weinglas den

🍇 Cuvée Prestige, aus der Magnum-Flasche (1,5L) ein 🇩🇪 #Rotwein #QbA, #feinherb.

Der mir persönlich zu lieblich war und daher nicht mein Geschmack getroffen hat.