#psych major bullshitting on the internet

[interstellar-productions]

Thinking so many thoughts honestly, about Aaron currently (spiritually not situationally I relate to him, it’s complicated). Aaron so specifically speaks to me because of how (at least with the crumbs we’re fed by canon) he internalizes and deals with his trauma. He WANTS to be normal. In fact he tries so hard to be normal (as society interprets normality) that he actively distances himself and represses any part of him that may lead people to viewing him as anything other then normal.

In my mind this was probably done intentionally, it creates a contrast between him and Andrew (and is probably why Neil is able to tell the twins apart pretty much from the get go). Andrew doesn’t speak about his trauma but he also doesn’t necessarily minimize it. Andrew makes himself big, body language wise he’s very loud. “Look at me, at what they did to me. Look at who I became”. Andrew is a warning sign, he lets his bleeding wounds show and mixes them with ragged bone and snarling teeth. Andrew is telling people without telling people what will happen if someone crosses him.

In contrast Aaron hides, his pain and his scares. Aaron turns everything inwards, shoving it all into closets and under beds. If he blends in then maybe no one will notice him enough to pick him out. Hiding in plane sight. Aaron works so hard to be normal and is canonically known as the least interesting and most normal fox, despite having a murder charge and being a recovered addict. He is the normal fox. People overlook him, glance right over him, his teammates, peers, everyone. Perfect grades, good at his sports, girl next door girlfriend. Aaron is so painfully NORMAL.

It speaks so deeply because it’s so obvious to me that its a coping mechanism and not actually because that’s how he really is. If he was just painfully normal we wouldn’t get some of his more violent or assholeish out burst and he probably wouldn’t have that grudge against Bee. His grudge against Bee is actually what sparked this whole thing for me. He hates Bee, he says that he’s never actually spoken a word to her and even when he starts sessions with Andrew he’s really just speaking to Andrew while Bee is in the room rather then directly speaking to Bee. My little psych major mind (mixed with my personal feelings but HUSH) is just screaming that this whole “I’m normal look right through me please I’m normal”. It’s how he COPES. This guy grew up at least a little bit inside a church (because Luther) and had to hide both bruises and addiction and whatever else was going on inside that house. Statistically speaking there’s two major ways you internalize trauma like that. And I love Aaron and Andrew because their those two ways basically. Aaron is trying so hard to be so Normal that he becomes basically invisible. Blending into the background.

He probably has everyone convinced that he’s got it all in the bag, all his shit? It’s in a sock, don’t even worry about it. He’s got the grades, the girlfriend and he plays a sport. Bro is literally sitting pretty to be so uninteresting that he gets nothing but a cursory glance, and it’s totally part of his scheme. No one’s going to think to ask questions he doesn’t want them too. Not about his past and not about what’s going on in his life. “Oh that’s Aaron yeah I’ve got advanced chem with him, yeah good guy. I think he plays exy.” Aaron doesn’t want people to ask questions, because he knows he’s towing the line. Does he have it all together? Or is he desperately trying to keep all his shit in the boxes he’s stuffed it in? Who knows. Aaron probably doesn’t even know.

Aaron gives me “fake it til you make it” vibes that it actually hurts my soul. This man wants to be normal so bad that he’s doing everything he can to not have to address what’s actually wrong, because acknowledging something’s wrong means acknowledging that he is in fact NOT normal. And he wants to be normal because being normal is how you survive. (How he got Tilda to not beat him for dragging the wrong sort of attention to her)

My psych major mind is absolutely consumed by AFTG because to me they represent all the different ways that trauma can manifest in people. Basically all of the foxes (even and Renee Wymack) are the violent kind. Their teeth and warning signs, don’t get too close, don’t step on my toes. But they all show it so differently. Renee for example is the healed sort of violent, she’s faced the majority of her demons and won, she knows she’ll be able to handle you if you step out of line (see her ruining the nest). Nicky is the loud kind. He’s not the break bone sort of violent but he is the make you uncomfortable kind. So much of Nicky’s early character (Foxhole court) is him giving off borderline predatory vibes. His jokes, his mannerisms, the whole Edens trip. It’s his version of violent. He makes you uncomfortable so he knows whose safe and who isn’t.

Then you have aaron and his whole character is a ticking time bomb. Aaron isn’t normal because he’s healed, he’s normal because its the only way he knows to survive. That’s why he doesn’t like Bee. Bee is a psychologist, her whole job is to know their problems and fix them and the fact he even has to go sit in a room with her is a threat to his overall performance of normality. Because normal people don’t NEED therapy.

Screams into the void, I’m so normal about him.

Also all of this is just my personal little ramblings about a purely fictional character that reminds me of myself as it relates to the topic of interest I’m currently studying. If you don’t agree with me that’s totally fine, if you have different preconceptions about him thats totally ok too. This is just my little brain rot corner of the internet and I’m just trying to have fun.

To the 3 people that wanted to see my deranged psych rambles i hope this reaches you, this is all for you!

[mothlegs]

yelling abt meeting i had with my psych nurse today, mostly talks about selfharm so be warned

Learns of The Day:

my nurse is stupid

my nurse does not know things

my nurse is not to be trusted (should already know this)

i selfharm more than i thought

my mom was with, beloved mother who is able to speak for me and translate the things i say. my nurse isn't great at english and i'm mildly shit at my native language (thanks dropping out of school to live on the internet) so there are Some language barriers, and i'm generally also just shit as saying what i want to say, especially with people i don't know well

so! my mom did most of the talking and she did great, much progress, thank you mother

i already forgot how the topic came up, but she starts asking about selfharm? and i'm like. genuinely i do not know how often i remember very little about it. and my mom then says it's At Least weekly because she sees on my arms??? and i'm like. wot i had no idea. and then she mentions scratches and bruises and i internally go ohhh right yeah scratches is a near daily thing huh. idk about bruises though, i don't remember that much either. but idk i feel kinda stupid for not realising cause i'm very Self-Harm Is Many Things And Not All Are Physically Visible kinda stuff cause it's important to me non-scarring forms of selfharm arent minimised or looked over. yet i completely looked over when it happens with myself

but then nurse asks about what i use to hurt myself??? and i'm like. =_= why? and she just keeps asking and not really giving an answer, saying something about how it helps her to know how i'm doing which? complete bullshit lol? and eventually i get her to say that yeah maybe they would try to take my tools. so i just like. yeah i'm not telling you lol get fucked

when we get home my mom's talking to my grandma about it and she said she felt like she almost had to defend my self-harm to my nurse and like say it's ok??? genuinely love to my mom i appreciate her so much, and she's self-harmed too when she was younger so she Gets It she actually understands it and what i need. she also mentioned how it would do no good, and how she has done really dangerous things to hurt herself like using things she found on the sidewalk- i wouldn't go that dangerous but i Have done dangerous things that risked getting pieces into wounds so like. yeah. my mom is good ok

ALSO JUST. i luckily have never had my tools taken but i thought they'd taken them once and i had a major breakdown. as in major major breakdown, and the second i found them i was ok. so like. lmfao y'all ain't trying to help me fucking bullshit

so anyways i'm not getting meds but she's gonna ask the doctor (who is stupid and i hate her) about re-evaluating me Again after i'd ALREADY BEEN TOLD I WOULD BE RE-EVALUATED god shit like this keeps happening. one person will tell me i'll get a thing and then i will be patient but eventually ask about it and then a new person will say they have to ask someone if i can have the thing and then that takes literal months. happened with therapy too and i still haven't heard anything about it

oh and my mom told me to write a thing explaining my plurality cause i can't really explain it to my nurse, very complicated and i struggled to explain it in private to my mom too so definitely wouldn't be able to with my nurse. i still don't know how accepting my mom is? but she gets some of it, i think

OH GOD AND MY NURSE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT DISSOCIATION IS. SHE LITERALLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT DISSOCIATION IS. WHAT i'm going to have to explain dissociation and dpdr and ifs to her jfc she is literally working at a psychiatric facility, there is a psych ward where she works, psychiatric evaluations are made there, AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT DISSOCIATION IS ???

so yeah she stupid don't know shit never to be trusted

rest of my day was good though i got a slushie at the mall and we bought makeup?? i dont know how that really happened but i guess i might learn to do eye makeup now. maybe

[ziskeyt]

I had a friend in college who was a psych major, and at the time I didn’t know the eugenics history with myers briggs, and I told him I thought that test was bullshit. A few years prior it had been all the rage to take in my IB cohort, so I took it cause this was also the time quizilla was big and taking dumb personalities is fun and unserious. I got some amalgamation of letters and I was not sure they worked for me, but I was even less sure when about 98% of everyone I knew was getting INTJ. I thought, huh, what a bad personality test if everyone gets the same results. To note: as I said this was the time of quizilla so I honestly thought the myers briggs was just some other random Internet Quiz made by someone with that username, I had no idea it was supposed to be A Real Thing. When I learned that, it was a while later and I thought, huh, if I remember right it was bullshit, but why not try it again for shits and giggles. Got new letters. Hm. Well I’m in highschool and should be doing homework but this is a puzzle, a stupid puzzle, but those are fun sometimes. So I take it again, get new letters. In the years between then and talking to my college friend I ended up taking it enough times I’d gotten what felt like every iteration if letters you could. I tell me friend this as evidence this test is deeply unserious.

He tells me oh, yeah there are some people who are perfectly in the centre and he guesses I’m like that. He tells me they call this the “Jesus type”.

I made a face at him and knew it was a bullshit test even more after that, but arguing with him was too exhausting to bother. Tell you Jewish friend this bullshit personality test says they’re a “Jesus type” honestly. Fuck right off.

Just looked up what time I was born and I'm so relieved that I can finally clear some things up! For those who have been asking, I'm an INTJ sun and an ENFP moon.

[punkpandapatrixk]

I guess, if you're attracted to this, you must be inherently spiritual, and only in understanding your heart's true spiritual desires can you discover the true meaning of the Life you have chosen this time🧘🏻‍♀️

'You didn't come here to make a choice; you already made that choice. You came here to try to understand why you made that choice.' — something I saw on Pinterest

[Back to Masterlist] [Part 1] [Part 2]

Pile 1 - Heaven on Earth; Your Own Peaceful Place

Priestesses of Intuition & Contemplation

3 of Cups & Gold Historian (Raphael Holinshed)

Wow, this is actually a super major energy because your heart's true desires go beyond just wanting a nice house for you to come home to and relax. I mean, of course you also want this, but deep down, at the core of your Soul, you truly wish for a world where everyone is prosperous and comfortable. The slogan 'NO MORE WAR' comes to mind.

I sense there's a bunch of highly intelligent individuals attracted to this pile. Many of you may also have strong Earth placements like Capricorn somewhere and are quite grounded in reality. But still, there's something highly spiritual about the way you perceive the world, and the way this world makes you feel with the miserable events that often plague mankind. You think about these things a lot. Sometimes you can't understand why governments all around the world just can't get along. To you, they are infantile, selfish, and stupid.

You are Old Souls, that's for sure. You've had many past incarnations in which you witnessed societies collapse through their own greed and savagery. Your heart is tired of seeing history repeat the same bullshit over and over again. I guess that's why you feel a pull to do something about it. Actually, you will have a lot of contribution to this world. You just need to figure out what gifts your Soul has brought along with your current incarnation~

Small advice for self-discovery🔻🧡Happy Holidays; full post is open for public reading~🎄

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 - A Polite, Harmonious World

Priestesses of Enchantment & Patience

Knight of Wands Rx & Gold Alchemist (Roger Bacon)

Maybe not all of you feel a resonance with the concept of Starseeds, but the people who have chosen this pile have strong connections to civilisations—on and off planet—that are inherently peaceful. Civilisations that are mostly spiritual and peace-loving and your Soul has been carrying that imprint with your Human incarnations for quite a while.

There's something naturally healing about your presence and a lot of people who are close to your frequencies like that about you. But those whose hearts are full of evil and psyche super damaged tend to hate you for seemingly no reason at all. But that's only because your Light irritates their demons; somehow they feel called out just by you being the good person that you are.

It's super clear that you heart's true desires are harmony and life being full of Love—all kinds of Love. You just want to see people being good to each other; polite, friendly, respectful, helpful, just... not so passionately aggressive with their opinions and beliefs and what have you. You're probably the type to be incredibly put off by the social justice warriors we all see on the Internet today.

Like, you know they mean well... but the way they carry their activism is just... bleh.

Small advice for coping?🔻💗Happy Holidays; full post is open for public reading~!🎄

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 - Status, Power, most importantly Legacy

Priestesses of Ambition & Opulence

9 of Pentacles & Red Alchemist (John Dee)

You're ambitious, so to speak, but not for shallow reasons. KABOOM. You want to stand on high grounds because you know that's where you can shine your light most effectively to cover a large surface. You're not a Young Soul and you know that, and you're smart and practical enough to know that if you want to make a HUGE difference in the world you gotta make it as equally BIG.

If ever you doubt yourself, thinking whether or not your desires are spiritual (after all, they do sound materialistic), this is your confirmation from your Higher Self and team of Spirit Guides that your ambitions come from a higher place of consciousness. In fact, I wouldn't worry about you losing yourself to the toxic and destructive ways of this world. After all, your ambitions root in a desire to better the world. So~?

Status? You don't even want this for satisfying your ego; you want this because you know if you become acknowledged, there's more you can do to affect/roll out powerful changes in the world. Power? This is necessary to balance out the power of the psychos who are ruining this Planet. Legacy? That's the only thing that matters after you've gone kaput. You want your life's story to become a study material for others.

All in all, this all speaks a meaningful Life. Your desires do truly come from a good heart.

Small advice for...?🔻💛Happy Holidays; full post is open for public reading~!🎄

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Feel free to support me on Patreon if you love this kind of content🍑I create stories and tarot readings that calm the mind & heal from within🍒

[Back to Masterlist] [Part 1] [Part 2]

[syscoursehell]

my biggest bone to pick with pro-endos is that the majority of what i’ve seen them say when it comes to issues that they face pretty much all revolve around (mostly internet) invalidation and exclusion, to the point where i’ve seen some endos say that at least we (DIDOSDD anti-endos) are recognized as “the real ones” or like “well fakedisordercringe is laughing at all of us anyways you don’t look any better in their eyes” (the latter was a post semi recently in the syscourse tag and the former was an ask on the syscourse confessions blog). not trying to call out any particular person with this, just that it very clearly shows how unaligned the goals of pro-endos vs anti-endos are. and it blows my mind that they seem to think that not only being recognized as a DIDOSDD system is a GOOD thing, both online and offline, but that it means you’re immune from getting fakeclaimed harassed etc, or that it’s a good thing that FDC laughs at us too in the end. like, i don’t want to be “validated,” and being fakeclaimed over the internet is an annoyance to me at worst, and i don’t want to be unconditionally and radically accepted and included for everything because that leaves no room for me to potentially be wrong or grow as a person. and tbh this is why i think there’s no broader “plural” community because there’s a complete misalignment between the endo community vs the DIDOSDD community, and we as anti-endos know this by now because so many DIDOSDD systems have come out about how endo bullshit harmed them. sorry to dump a novel in your inbox lol it’s just been on my mind

Yep. they're also ignoring the fact that a lot of people who wind up on FDC are minors, who probably aren't safe being recognized as having DID/OSDD/UDD in their household, even if they have a therapist or have been professionally recognized. It doesn't make us feel valid, it just sucks. I've also had friends/mutuals from other platforms wind up on there, and the harassment they face is fucking horrific on a level you wouldn't believe, not to mention winding up on cringe comps just for being mentally ill on the internet. They don't see that people don't believe us. They don't believe that we exist, or they believe that we're too rare to be real. It's an uphill battle to get people to even listen to us, and it's exhausting.

Adding onto that, though, you're absolutely right. They want internet validation and inclusion, even if it excludes others. They can't seem to wrap their minds around the fact that being a system is so much more than just alters, so they build a community around one facet of the experience and push themselves into this anti-recovery mindset of "I don't need therapy, because my system isn't traumatic" even though having a system in of itself is only born out of trauma. Hell, a lot of them act like every psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist in the world is evil, so they surround themselves with the anti-psych community and ignore actual scientific facts about things that do, in fact, matter and need scientific backing.

I'm not saying the psych system is good. It's not. It sucks and needs major reform, and my personal experiences with it have been less than stellar. But that's no excuse to act like every professional who knows their shit is out to get you. There are good doctors out there. There are good, helpful people in this field who want nothing more than to see people thrive.

I also absolutely get your point. Blind inclusion and acceptance leaves no room to grow. It's not a foundation for lasting changes, and it actually behaves in quite the opposite manner. It makes it difficult for people to change when they realize what they're doing is wrong, because they've become comfortable just being accepted without any sort of questioning, or being asked to think about their stances. Not to mention, when all your friends are part of that situation, it makes it so much harder to leave.

Also, being diagnosed can lead you to getting more medical stigma in the future. I have BPD. I was not diagnosed by a former therapists choice, because if it was on my chart, that would make so many medical professionals treat me differently. It would make my life harder in the long run. But that doesn't mean that I think people shouldn't get diagnosed, quite the opposite. I just think that people need to be able to get the help that they need.

This is a tangent turning completely incomprehensible, but that's my thoughts. Thanks for the ask!!

[anonymous-dentist]

Gotta say, as someone with three diagnosed panic/anxiety disorders and as someone who is one step from being on disability because of said three diagnosed panic/anxiety disorders, I always think it’s a bit strange how a lot of fan writers use panic/anxiety attacks as a sort of plot device? 

Like, okay. Look at any karlnapity fic from c!Quackity’s point of view. I can guarantee that 9/10 fics will have a panic attack scene. And that’s fine, I guess, like it’s whatever. It’s just that the panic attacks described aren’t... exactly panic attacks? 

Okay, so every panic attack is different. It obviously isn’t a universal thing. Not everyone will have the same kind of panic attack as me. 

But there is something a bit funky about the way that these attacks are only used to almost take away any kind of agency that, say, c!Quackity would have. Panic attacks are a moment of vulernability, yes, but they’re almost used in fanfics for that express purpose: to make c!Quackity vulnerable so that c!Karl and c!Sapnap (or c!Wilbur or c!Slime or whoever the fuck) can take care of him. It’s not quite fetishy, but it just feels wrong when it happens? Like in a weird way. 

And then there’s something equally as funky about the way that whoever-the-fuck calms the character down from a panic attack. Most techniques used (which generally do involve talking down to the character panicking) generally just piss the person having the attack off even further. I’ve seen this in dozens of people over the years (my family, friends, strangers, textbooks, documentaries, I was a psych major for a bit of time, etc.) Don’t talk down to someone having an attack, and the five senses thing doesn’t work for everyone. It’s seen on the internet a lot of the time, but someone in the middle of a panic attack won’t be able to stop freaking out long enough to look around the room they’re in to see what’s in it. They’ll be lucky if they can even open their eyes, let alone see anything that isn’t blurry with tears. 

This isn’t to say that you can’t write a panic attack! Just do your research beyond a google search, and don’t spring a panic attack in as a plot device out of nowhere. Do a leadup or something, I don’t know, I’m not an expert. I’m just an annoyed disabled person seeing fandom bullshit for the billionth time.

[luidilovins]

You should turn your post on the Uncanny Valley into a book or something. I am not even kidding, it's brilliant and sorely needed information. Thank you for it.

Tbh its just speculative that the uncanny valley is an inherent biological trait and not cultural or a learned behavior at the moment. A good example would be the cultural phenomenon of colorophobia where in the US we have a longer history of using clowns in our horror pop culture genres than countries like Japan.

Clown entertainment has been around since the Egytian times and maybe some people have always been freaked out by them it honestly just takes one director or author to have an disproportionately irrational fear and good cinematography skills to convince people that they SHOULD hate clowns just as much, (I could say the same about the movie Jaws but thats a bit of a tangent,) or a memorable event that damages the public's trust in something that SHOULD be innocent or harmless. (A good examples being the John Wayne Gacy trials.)

Clowns are also thought to be in the uncanney valley so ita a fairly good argument on cultural phenomenon versus genetic traits. Up until aroud the 60s-70s clowns were actually fairly well liked by the US general public and a lot of older generation still find a fondness in it that would scare the living shit out of their grandchildren.

As far as evidence that I may be right about the "uncanney valley might be because of rabies" theory, there has been a small case study suggesting that the movements of a non-human robot that trigger the effect in us, is also present in people with parkinsons but the sample size is too small for me to be thoroughly convinced.

And don't be mistaken I also dislike this concept because saying that ableism is an inherent human trait is just as bad as saying racism is an inherent human trait. There is little to gain from distrust in the disabled and little historical evidence to suggest it was common or beneficial to discard disabled people. Disabled people's remains have been found time and time again to live to incredibly long livea and be cared for, and participate in their communities. I'm highly critical of this particular case study and I take it with a grain of salt because its on cosmo, but evidence of human disabilities and compassion can be sourced by actual bones and it's been placed on VERY credible sources. NPR, NBC, Discovery, Nat Geo, NY Times, literally the clostest you can get to creme of the crop news articles on DOZENS of accounts and if you have a goddam problem then pay for a tour to the Smithsonian, find an archeologist and coherse them into showing you the bones and then explain phorensics to you because you probably wouldn't understand unless you too were a phorensic archeologist yourself.

What I DO BELIEVE tho is that if the uncanny valley is a legitimate inherent trait, that like most evolutionary traits, it made it this far for this long because it somehow served us benificially. And the biggest benifit I can think of is identifying neuro-infectious diseases because they can spread agressivley, many of them lead to death or lasting effects and are fucking MISERABLE to catch. We're talking brain swelling, fevers, uncontrollable vomiting, tremors, hallucinations, motor and vocal tics, difficulty swallowing, seizures. This could all happen because they eat infected deer meat or because of one bad fox bite. It's miserable if you survive and horrifying if you dont. Rabies can survive in your muscle tissue for years before infecting your brain and once it does usually you only live for about 5-10 days in and out of concious knowledge that you're going to die painfully, and disease aggrivated psychosis. It would be hard to pinpoint the causation because the amout of time before full blown infection would vary too much to assosiate for a long time. So your only option is to hone in on telltale signs.

The disabled people who would suffer from herdeditary or developmental neurological disorders run the risk of prejudice from mistaken identity, but if a human is part of a community, and doesn't die within a week from having a wobbly head, it would sooner or later become apparent that they're not dangerous. I think nowadays culturally people don't press to learn more about disabled people due to social and political prejudice and never fucking grow up past that. Mistaken identity or not. You learn about people from the patterns of their behaviors so even ones that seem abnormal to you become a normal recognizable pattern for them. Fancy that.

We don't get grossed out by chimps or gorillas, who are even more distant cousins, and the proof that we don't have a search and destroy button for anything immediatly related to us is a bunch of bullshit can be found in almost every human's blood on earth. And not just neanderthals, but denisovans as well. And that's not even accounting for genetic backtracking the crossbreeding of other sapiens species before we were whittled down to just the three. What makes the tweet even stupider is that when neandertals still roamed the earth humans were shorter, hardier, and overall more rough looking so we looked even indistinguished then. We Also Chewed On Bones and neandertals handled cold climates better than us based on a study on chest cavity density and, skull nasal intake and heat circulation, providing genetic diversity and the upper hand in survival in the tundras or mountainous regions spanning over Eurasia. If it wasn't for humans fucking neandertals we might not have been able to spread over the contient or diversify the way we did.

So my full hypothesis is that if the uncanny valley is a genetic inherent human trait it was used to benifit people from catching agressive diseases in a time where the benifit of fearing a group member with rabies outweighed the cost of fearing a group member with a disability like parkinsons.

WHAT PISSED ME OFF was the idea that we are DESIGNED to be unwary of our evolutionary cousins could easily be used for white supremacist spaces to justify racism BECAUSE IT ALREADY HAS

So that one tweet that might seem like a quirky thinkpiece in my eyes is just fuel for eugenics trend round whatever number we're on. It's like we don't fucking learn. It would be REALLY easy to retool the concept that it's natural for people to be fearful of whatever the bullshit definition of sub-humans are. Claiming that black people were sub-human thus deserving of mistrust and submission to white ownership worked like a fucking charm.

Maybe if I go to college and major in psyche/socio/civics it'll be my college thesis. Right now I'm more of a hobbyist than anything, but what I DO know is that anyone can make an untested hypothesis to combat another untested hypothesis and it should hold just as much goddamn value. I combatted the idea that the idea that human othering was funneled into an unconfirmed effect that causes disgust and terror based on non-human sapiens is in fact racist and gave what is in my opinion a more evoluntionary practical approach to the uncanney valley.

The generalized links that I used APARENTLY weren't good enough for some people but aparently a single tweet that says "hur dur heedle dee uncanney valley exists because of human cousins" was taken at face value even tho it was probably tapped out in five seconds without regards to the reproccussions. I find a huge discomfort that less than studious links about the evolution of monkey social behaviors that I used as a guideline to explaining my concerns became the focal point for people to nitpick without even having the gall to "well actually" on the subject. That absolute ravaging NEED to rip apart at it and devolve into name calling because I MENTIONED racism is fucking suspicious and I don't trust it. I had to stop looking at the responses because some people were only reblogging and arguing with barely half of my argument and i was getting nowhere fast.

There were a few people that made actual points with cited sources that made their own rebuttle arguments. That I respect. It's just as valid an argument as mine and I'm ALWAYS willing to take on more credible sources to strengthen my stance or gain perspective.

But it's the utter dismissal of a concerning concept that just seeped into the subtext that gnawed at my gut. Some people on top of hating the linked sources I provided, admitted they didn't read it, refused to read between the lines to purposfully misinterpret or derail my main points, and detract that my claim that the tweet was a result of systemic white supremacy saturated into modern science was a bunch of bullshit because I claimed that 1500s anglos invented racism.

The thing is we did invent the racism that we fucking currently subscribe to.

We practice the science that we formulated based on our own social prejudice. Real people die from this.

We remain uncritical of our own theorums that we postulate then pat ourselves on the back like we're philosophical geniuses even though racism is a family heirloom with a new paint job.

We preach the eugenics ideals that we pulled out of our asses to benifit from fearmongering, promises of national security and unpaied labor.

White supremacists create subtext with the intention of it being consumed by accident or in ways that seem palatable.

Fuck.

That.

I don't hate the person who wrote the tweet. Chances are that they gave the tweet as much thought as they took the time to write it and went on their day as a fun little thinkpiece. Everyone on the internet does it. But its that kind of thinking error that needs to be adressed as a progression of historic and scientific prejudice that gets rehashed, recycled and untouched and continually damages and is weaponized against marginalized people. I am not wrong for taking it seriously especially when a bunch of people were sitting around nodding their heads just as effortlessly.

I don't owe the internet any more sources than the tweet. I don't owe anyone on the internet a full scientific ananysis. And the people's reaction to what I had to say was actually what further convinced me I might have hit the nail on the head.

[codename-adler]

Kevin Day and his Oblivious Literature Lover, pt.V

Let’s all repeat after me: therapizing our faves helps us therapize ourselves! If Kevin can get better, maybe we all can... right? 

>>Table of Contents, TW and other parts here!

the water runs behind the bathroom door for so long that Kevin spaces out in his spot on the floor, losing himself in thoughts about the Foxhole Court (surprise, surprise)

Juliet comes out at last an hour later, freshly showered, her hair wet and springy, her face even paler than before

she goes to rummage through her tiny dresser, slow and silent like a dead walker, and pulls out multiple clothes before going back into the humidity of the bathroom

she finally comes out into the room a few minutes later, dressed in clean sweatpants and multiple t-shirts and sweaters

the one on top is a simple, XXL black hoodie with the PSU logo on the front, in washed out orange

Kevin unconsciously thinks that the blindingly bright orange Exy hoodies the Foxes have would suit her so much better

happy colors help happy thoughts, right? 

(who said that again? was it Nicky? he was probably talking about the gay flag anyways...)

Kevin is pulled from his thoughts when Juliet trudges over to her bed, lets herself fall in it and sluggishly pulls on blue fuzzy socks to warm her cold feet

he slighlty turns to look up at Juliet, and they start a staring contest from where they each sit

but Kevin soon realizes that not everything is a contest, and not everyone exists to challenge him, and Juliet isn’t the Foxes

because she barely lasts 2 seconds before lowering her gaze to her hands, shoulders tensing and fingers picking at dry skin

however, as Kevin keeps feeling out of his depth and thinks about just leaving right there and then, Juliet quietly mumbles

“If I talk, will you talk too?”

Kevin’s first thought is “I don’t have shit to say and I sure as hell wouldn’t give you dirt on me,” and it clearly shows on his face

lucky for him, Juliet’s head is still lowered, so he has time to force himself out of his fight-or-flight relfex

she isn’t the Foxes, she isn’t the Ravens, she isn’t the Foxes, she isn’t the Ravens, she-

but still, what if she is? what if this is all a scam? 

but then again, he looked for her, he found her, he spent the night, he is asking... if anyone’s nosy in all this, it’s him

it feels like at the point where he is, where they are, he’s acted far from his usual, asshole self, and he just wants to keep going... it feels good not to fight

“Yes, I will talk. If the subject stays within the limits of what I’m willing to talk about. You should do so yourself,” Kevin states, not quite softly, but not quite sharply either, like he usually does

Juliet anxiously nods, still not looking up

the silence settles back between them, the room heavy with dread, fear and awkwardness

after a while, Juliet speaks up, barely above a whisper, but in the quiet of her room, it feels like her words ring in Kevin’s ears

“If I google you right now, what am I going to find?”

and shit

anything but that

he wants to hold on so bad, just a little while more, to this nobody he’s managed to keep up with Juliet

because if she knows... then everything he’s managed to keep at bay when he’s with her will come rushing back over him, and over her too

and he doesn’t want that

it’s not shame, it’s not pride

it’s pure fear

“You are going to see very ugly things,” is all he responds, face blank and emptily staring at the wall

inside, though, it stings to say those words. because it isn’t totally the truth. exy is his pride, his reason to live, his air to breathe. but if she finds out about exy, she will also learn about the violence, the multiple “accidents”, she’ll know about Riko...

and if she knows about Riko, she’s one step closer to Riko knowing about her

“Kevin. When you say ‘ugly’, you mean you’ve had a shitty life so far, or you mean you’ve killed many people? Because you’re the man who slept on my floor all night and I’m alone, and I’m very afraid right now.”

of course he fucked it up one question in

what is he supposed to say, though? ‘Of course I’m not a murderer, but my owners are’ ? 

and the more he thinks about the correct answer to give, the more he looks like he’s searching for an excuse and the more Juliet is retreating into the corner of her bed

“Fuck, no. It means that half the cards I’ve been dealt with are extremely good, and the other half is very, very fucked up. And it’s all over the Internet. And the things that you won’t find there are the ugliest. Ugly secrets that make me even more unlikeable to my... roommates, and our classmates. A walking asshole on a stick.”

Juliet stops moving

“That’s… quite the load of bullshit, Kevin. I won’t look, okay? I promise you. But you said truth for truth. That is not a truth. But... you also said we don’t have to answer if we don’t want to. Kevin, you don’t have to. I’ll take your word that you’re not a serial killer. I’ll haunt you if you are, though. I’ll make all your spoons disappear. And kick you in your sleep.”

Kevin didn’t know how to react

it was so… easy

too easy

just like that, the subject was dropped

no pushing, no threatening knife, no mood swing

now it was his turn

somehow he could only think of Matt, of Aaron and their nights out at Eden’s, of Seth…

“Are you on drugs?” was out of his mouth before he could be careful of his tone

it sounded severe, accusing

yet Juliet did not react, not even a little bit

she just kept on looking at him, letting the silence pressure him into guiltily babbling his excuse

“I’ve seen these signs before, okay! And heard about them too. I know what addiction looks like. The sickly pale skin, the mess, the absences, the shutdowns. Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what.”

“Like a wounded animal.”

his tone was harsh enough to resemble the attitude he usually reserved for the Foxes

and he knew he’d been too rough when it caused Juliet to draw in a shaky breath

“Wow, you’re really good at that… Ever considered being a detective or a life coach? You’re actually not far from the truth… Jesus,” Juliet exhaled. “I do take drugs. Antidepressants. Strong ones. And I ran out this week. I don’t have the money. You’re currently witnessing a withdrawal combined with a depressive episode. Impressive, huh?”

her voice was so devoid of emotions Kevin was reminded once again of Andrew…

except that her face was a mirror cracked open, her pain palpable in the air between them

his first instinct was to reply ‘What’s wrong with you?’, because he genuinely wanted to know why she had to take such heavy medication at her age, and why she couldn’t afford it anymore, but he willed himself to let the words die on his tongue; try not to be a fuckup this time, will you?

however, before Kevin could formulate his thought correctly, the silence overworked Juliet too and she filled it with her story...

“I was diagnosed with dysthymia a couple of months ago. I’ve basically been stuck in a dark cloud since I was like, 15. Never went away. Wasn’t ‘serious’ enough to get medical attention, like the docs said. Fast forward last winter, I had a complete nervous breakdown at my workplace. It was pretty ugly. 911, ambulance, psych ward, psych eval, pills, and other… things. Oh, and a fuckload of bills. Even my scholarship doesn’t cover all of that. So I tried to make my prescriptions last longer by taking my medication every other day, which… Well, not recommended by your local psychiatrist. Last weekend I had to choose between groceries or pills. Now my body is missing its drugs and I’m missing major classes. So…  Ta-da…” she told Kevin, her arms slowly moving as if to present a show.

Kevin was speechless

not because he was shocked, or because he pitied her, or because he was disgusted

he was speechless because of the anger that choked him from inside

he felt such a rage at the idea that Juliet couldn’t receive the help she needed, the care she deserved

he was speechless because as anger consumed him, he realized that it was the same anger he’d felt when Jean was given back to him in pieces

he was speechless because he cared too much, now

he hadn’t even seen it coming

if Juliet were to be pulled away now, it’d feel like pulling every stitches he ever had

and all it had taken was a few months

[coolmarriagerecords]

On Chronophage

By Zachary Lipez

https://zacharylipez.substack.com/p/notes-on-the-mekons-chronophage-and

Chronophage are a band from Texas. They have been around for three years. Chronophage consists of Parker Allen (they/them) guitar and vox, Sarah Beames (she/her) bass and vox, and Cody Phifer (he/him) drums. For the new record, Parker’s brother, Casey Allen (he/him) plays synth. That’s all I know about Chronophage. The internet shows no interviews and, besides punk zines I don’t own (and presumably critics on Terminal-Boredom forums), the music press outside of Austin has ignored them. I first heard about the band from MaximumRnR, which listed their debut, Prolog for Tomorrow, released in December of 2018, as one of the best albums of 2019 (you can do stuff like that when you’re a revered punk zine). Because MRR is famously *cough* averse to cover any band that even flirts with problematicism, I don’t have to worry about my ignorance of Chronophage’s individual members potentially allowing me to big up fascists. Maybe it’ll turn out they’re Maoists (an ideology MRR is less worried about) but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when/if we come to it. Anyway, I had never even heard of Chronophage (a small miracle unto itself considering the underground’s ready access to publicists and music writers- such as myself- who love few things more than being the first to “discover” a band.). But, even while my sense of aural adventure is a bit rusty since the days of having to risk $8.99 on albums based solely on cover art and/or vibes in the air, I just knew Prolog for Tomorrow was going to scratch an itch. Maybe not an immediate itch but, when you keep as many itches on file as I do, you can afford to trust your instincts. Especially when those instincts have already been validated by some punk weirdo in Oakland who’s probably still mad at the Go-Go’s for firing Margot Olavarria fifteen years before they were born. My instincts served me well because that hypothetical punk weirdo was right! (About both things.)

I’m not sure how to describe Chronophage. I’m not a major fan of the comparisons, to Swell Maps or the Messthetics comps, that the punks made. I don’t dislike either point of reference but knowing Chronophage supposedly sounds like both doesn’t affect how I hear the band. Prolog for Tomorrow’s inner sleeve art has “Curse of Chronophage” scrawled, which may be a reference to The Curse of The Mekons. Or maybe not. I’m trying not to project my bullshit on the band. Matter of fact, Chronophage don’t sound anything like the honky-tonkin’-Mekons. Not because Chronophage aren’t honkys tonkin’ but because, historically speaking, American bands aren’t as hung up on sounding American as English bands are. The album art for Prolog is reminiscent of much of the (actually) cut and (actually) pasted Pavementisms of the ‘90s, which in turn was lifted directly from The Fall and all that band’s adherents. Like early Pavement and The Fall, Chronophage are full of hooks, some overt and many buried under transient skronk. But, unlike all the obscurist indie Chronophage shares a typewriter with, the basic template on the album, if there’s one at all, is “folk punk.” I suppose? At least the sense of that genre is present, if dependent on an expansive notion of both “folk” and “punk.” Minus any busking grotesqueries in the “Wagon Wheel” vein, there’s the strum and twang of barely distorted guitars, every string visible in the mind’s eye, maybe in need of tuning or maybe just playing those jazz chords I hear so much about at music critic parties. While only three musicians play on Prolog, horns and keys go in and out of the songs like a C Squat marching band showing up to support the potluck. Adding to the offhand spontaneity of the proceedings, there’s intermittent cowpoke yowlings, some very live sounding drums, and at least one poetry reading. There’s a real anarchist house party vibe but just when it feels like Chronophage are going to lose their train of thought or, worse, ask to borrow the touring band’s kick drum pedal, another fragile and plaintive power pop chorus arrives in time to keep me from retreating to the kitchen to bum beer off strangers.

If we’re going to (re)subscribe to my initial thesis that there are certain sounds made by certain bands that provide a messily alluring alternative to the pat and disingenuous cleanliness of overculture, therefore making a prickly honesty worth striving for (even if that striving lends itself to either self delusion or a romanticizing of failure), then Chronophage are what we’re talking about. Even if on their new album, The Pig Kiss’d (out on November 23), they kind of fuck a significant amount of my thesis over by showing that they do, in fact, know what they’re doing. Whatever. I deserve it. The whole mythology around The Mekons as a band finding dignity in the face of drunken ineptitude was a fib. While not having the chops of The Texas Playboys, and certainly often drunk, The Mekons, by the mid-’80s, were writing and performing songs as subtle and dynamic as any non-boring rock and roll, not to mention post-punk, band could aspire to. Because perfection is so oppressive, its absence will always be its own inherent virtue. But even better than not being able to play your instruments is being able to play them real pretty, but throwing some ugly in anyway. Just to show all the aesthetic bible thumpers that heaven isn’t always the hot shit it purports to be.  

The Pig Kiss’d is a sharper, more streamlined, proposition than Chronophages’s first record. The guitars, thankfully still mainly free of any distortion mush, ring out as cohesive riffs. Even while the lite-funk chunka-chunkas still occasionally approximate Desperate Bicycles covering Steely Dan (an under-appreciated subculture band influence… a lot of people don’t know that Big Black’s name was short for “Big Black Cow”), and the snare underpinning gives them a decidedly peace punk punchiness, the riffs now transform into razor-like, no wave leads instead of the decays into noise (or just silence) prevalent on Prolog. While the previous album positioned voices as hesitant souls in conversation, Chronophage’s dual singing is now consistently commanding. Not to say that either Allen or Beames are preoccupied with auditioning for American Idle anytime soon, but they both have cool, heavy-on-personality punk voices, ranging from conversating chill to accusatory growl, which the mix now accentuates. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t miss the feeling of a sinking ship, barely kept afloat by the bodies of oogles under the hull, but I’m also glad for a recording that doesn’t sound like the studio engineer is holding a personal grudge against the drummer. Of course, in no longer sounding a mess, Chronophage runs the risk of just sounding like, you know, a rock band. Of which there are plenty. Luckily this ain’t the case. The desperate, weird energy of Prolog for Tomorrow is still abundant. It’s just put in the service of songcraft more than ADD-infused mood. If there’s a newfound, almost psych, expansiveness in the songwriting, it’s a psych fueled by strychnine over any slouching towards bliss. And when the songwriting contracts, we get instant classics like the album closer, “Name Story,” which could be an undiscovered New Model Army a-side. So much does “Name Story” sound like a lost hit that I had to write the band and ask if it was a cover. (They responded that the aim was to sound like New Order… which is amazing.) Still, by contemporary indie standards, Chronophage sound like countrified First Wave of Black Metal-ers running through the American songbook. By contemporary post-punk standards, which can be applied now that New Order are on the table, Chronophage don’t sound contemporary at all. They sound out of the timeline; Richard Lloyd skipping post-punk entirely to jump headfirst into college rock, making that nerd rock hip, and vice versa. Lightning striking itself. In the face. Repeatedly. And by folk punk standards, if we’re bothering to still apply it, Chronophage continue to sound like the only true freaks in a field of future beer reps.Like I said, I don’t know much about Chronophage. While writing this, I exchanged emails with Parker but, preferring the mystery, I only asked about pronouns and whatnot. Maybe they’re apolitical. Maybe they are Maoists. Maybe they’re neither but still find my chronic naysaying abhorrent and dull. For all I know, they all campaigned hard for Pete Buttigieg and all the proceeds from The Pig Kiss’d are going towards having Chronophage Brand hostile architecture benches placed near the homeless encampments in Austin. Guess we won’t know for sure till the album comes out. But this feels like opposition music, and, more importantly (to me) it feels like music that speaks to a refusal to simply be grateful for the crumbs handed to us. Nit picking, as it were. If not exactly “dignity in the face of drunken ineptitude” then, in the face of endless war and empire and an oligarchal insistence to smile more, Chronophage make a sound that- equal parts sweet fury and sweaty sweetness and spilling over with a feisty, chaotic grace- approaches dignity. If the next few years are great, then great. We can play Chronophage at the cookout we’re all invited to. And if the next four years are instead a happy faced atrocity exhibition, at best a grinding exercise in defending cops, creeps, and landlords for the sole reason of the other side’s cops and creeps and landlords being so much worse? Then Chronophage’s sound will prove to be the kind of correct that’s too sloppy to be smug. Even under austerity, the anarcho-freak punx got bops. So even as COVID, the ice caps, or capital’s poptimist truncheon bear down on us, threatening to tickles our little chins, let us, at least, enjoy this thing.

https://zacharylipez.substack.com/p/notes-on-the-mekons-chronophage-and

* The cassette version of Th’Pig’Kiss’d Album will be available soon on Cool Marriage. Check this blog for updates. 

[kierarutherford]

Vent/Shit overload

I’m going to post this, leave it and that’s that. So, if you want to travel down the Kiera’s last week of insanity rabbit hole, it’s under the break.

So, as per usual this week started rough. Couldn’t sleep well, my youngest started school (Last monday, I’m venting remember) and things seemed to kick off to a miserable start. He’s my baby, my LAST baby and he’s got issues. The first day went well considering and the poor thing came home, stripped to his undies and curled up under a blanket; instantly zonked. WELL we could not wake him for anything. Que midnight wake up and 6 am sleep.... We forced him to school, got to get that schedule going right. Tuesday... He goes straight to class, curls up into a ball on the carpet and zonks out for 3 hours. *Sigh* comes home to sleep a couple more. AGAIN, a late night. Wednesday repeats, but no nap at home. Thursday comes... Ah fuck me thursday. He is due for his Psyche Eval - A.K.A an IQ test for kids with issues. He comes in with: IDD also known as Intelligent Development Disorder. Link here, scoring between mild to moderate. My precious baby will “never catch up.” Or so I am told. I get all this access to help, but NO direction.... My brain melts. I zombie the rest of the day.

Friday comes. My two older children go to visit their grandparents. Enter phone call, daughter is ill. I work at a pharmacy. Pick up the staples, ginger ale, chicken noodle soup, meds. Drop EVERYTHING off, stick around for a cup of tea and chat. Dad’s been fired.... What?! He’s 60 this next week... Where’s my dad going to get a job at his age? He can’t retire yet, doesn’t have enough in savings to survive.... I zombie again... 

Storm rolls in, kills internet. No writing. 

Back track to Tuesday. It’s been a week since my husband had intervascular imaging on his legs. -Born with club feet, link here. He’s experiencing pain, swelling and general bullshit of having a mother who IGNORED all the medical work he needed done throughout his growing year. Call Dr. Office. “No records have been recieved yet.” -I work at a pharmacy.- We fax that office daily. I’ve been getting scripts from him. So, I know his fax works. Call imaging center, they’re “resending the paperwork now.” 

Que to today; call Dr. Office, knowing they now have the paperwork. Leave voice message. Recieve multiple faxed with Dr. Signature on them.. NO. CALL. BACK.... 

OH, and I am dropping out of my University Major (haven’t started yet so whew, caught that in time) to pursue a learning course to earn my Pharmacist Technician certification. And my doctor doesn’t have my vaccination records.... 

Needless to say, Fuck me, fuck my life, fuck it all. NOTHING has gone right this week. NOTHING. Tried to apply for a mortgage, a whooping $250,000 in a market that starts at $389,000. Checked for rentals. NOTHING. 

I’m behind in writing, behind in just about everything, including rent. I owe for this month, and I’ve put nothing away for next month... Which increases too... So, ya. Mental health is important folks, venting is important.... and the final nail you ask? I have 0 friends. Literally no one near me I can go vent to, cry to, coffee with. I sure as hell can’t unload this on my mother and father, they might be losing everything. My sister is going for MASSIVE surgery in a few weeks... so.. fuck. Fuck, fuck, FUCK, 

I can’t tell if I’m numb, or just in triage mode. I should be a balled mess in a corner, but I just keep moving. 

Anyways, helps to rant. Helps to unload. Even if it’s just a thing on the internet. Makes me feel like I’m not alone. Ya know? I’m going to try to put words to page and maybe that will help? Don’t know, but it’s worth a try. Take care of yourselves, all of you. It’s hard enough out there.  

[mumofadaofficial-blog]

C Sections - The ‘Easy’ way out

Firstly, what I have titled this is bullshit :) 

Secondly, no matter what way you give birth to your child whether it be naturally, assisted, c-section etc you are amazing for doing so. Not only have you grown that tiny human with your own body, you then bring he/she into the world in whatever way possible or necessary at that time - so fucking well done you! 

My mum told me from the start that every pregnancy and birth has its own story - and that is so very true. No two are the same and each and everyone should be celebrated for the greatness that it is. 

My personal experience was via an emergency c-section and I want to share that with you. 

From day one I had it all planned out, I wanted a water birth and I wanted it all to be as natural as possible. Id seen on one born, various videos and pictures on the internet of that special moment when a mother holds their child for the first time, I wanted that and the closeness that came with it. Unfortunately, having to be induced and the aftermath that followed that obviously wasn’t the way my story was meant to go. 

When you get told you need to have a section your all systems go, your ready for it, you just want your baby out and safe. You and anything else in the world suddenly have no importance anymore and all you want is to hear those little baby cries.

I remember signing a consent form that I never read, I don’t remember getting undressed and putting a gown on so god knows who did that and I remember going into theatre where they were talking me through things and getting me prepped for surgery. 

I don’t know what they said to me, I really wasn’t listening. All I can remember asking again and again is where Nath was and why wasn’t he in there. (Of corse, like the movies he was getting all scrubbed up - dishy).

It was that moment sat on the edge of the table that the panic set in, you suddenly feel very alone in a room full of people. I became scared of what was happening and the thought that I was about to undergo the first major surgery I’d ever had. Jesus Christ, I’ve only ever broke my little finger before and thats when I was about 8, so this was big time. I was told to curve myself over a cushion whilst they injected my spine, then immediately laid down on the table, and asked to lift my legs - couldn’t do it, job done. Thankfully Nath had come in by then and I felt more relaxed like I could cope with what was going on. 

When it was all underway I can remember saying to Nathan that it felt like the doctor was making a pizza with my stomach 😂 He thought I was high! It’s the oddest thing, to be able to feel that someone is doing something, but to have no sensation whatsoever. Within about 15 minutes of entering the room, Ada was born. I then had to be sewn up which took about three times as long as the birth! Also, absolutely mortified that it isn’t like one born every minute where you have a gown covering your modesty. Nothing modest about realising afterwards that the doctors have just been staring at your vagina for the past half hour or so and it definitely wasn’t covered up. (I mean they probably wasn’t looking at it at all, but you know what I mean). 

I was took into a side room afterward for recovery where they fitted a catheter, what amazing things those are! Don’t even know you need a wee and that things filling itself up! Definitely don’t get confused with catheter and cannula when talking afterwards…done that far too many times and got some strange looks! It was then that the mum guilt started to set in, not only was I worried about Ada, I felt like I had failed her. Everything had been planned so perfectly in my mind of how I wanted it to go, and I felt like I had failed to deliver that to myself and my child. I felt like I wasn’t capable of giving birth, so someone else had to intervene and do it for me. (I realise now that I was stupid to think that and I did what I needed to as a mother, but I’m sure a lot of people who have had a section will understand where I am coming from). I’ve since seen a meme that said ‘I had an epidural, then I had a c-section, then I bottle fed, and now I’m sitting here at the playground wondering what all the guilt was about because my kid is just as weird as yours’ Oh so true!!

Then the time comes when you’ve managed to get some movement and feeling back into your legs and you have to stand up. Now I was told ’Stand with your legs, don’t push with your arms and don’t pull on your tummy muscles’ Easier fucking said than done Susan! (I don’t think her name was Susan, but it fits) You’ve just had your stomach muscles and womb sliced through, but just use your legs that also have no strength because there definitely a bit numb still but your desperate to get up and see your baby. 

Now when that aesthetic starts to wear off, I am not going to sugar coat it, its fucking painful. Your fully aware of whats going on down there even when you just breath, god forbid you need to sneeze or cough! I think I definitely got up and about too soon, I was dizzy and lightheaded and felt like the blood had drained out of me when I got back into bed after seeing Ada. And I happily accepted any drug they wanted to give me, I couldn’t tell you what they were but they helped, so thanks for that part Susan. 

The first night was a bit of a blur with how I was feeling because of everything else that was going on but I know simple things, like moving in bed and trying to sit up was hard work. I was given medication throughout the night by a midwife, who informed me I had been given some sort of super ibuprofen up my bum whilst on the operating table 😂 - which apparently I consented too but I had no idea, good work doc, didn’t even realise. 

The following day I decided I needed to have a shower and sort my life out, all whilst Nathan was doing a great job of whizzing me around the hospital backwards in a wheelchair because we hadn’t quite got the hang of it going forward. Thankfully there was a seat in the shower, I’d never of had the strength to be able to stand for that length of time. It’s at times like that when you realise how much you take for granted being able to do everyday things. I remember sitting there and crying out of frustration, feeling like a massive, naked, deflated beach ball. Good job Nathan loves me because no one should have to see that haha. He washed my hair, washed me and then helped me up and got me dry.  Graphic bit coming up…sorry. SO for anyone who ends up having a c section, make sure you take your pad and fresh knickers into the bathroom with you. I am saying this after learning a lesson, I did not, and was most shocked and mortified when it looked like Satan had released himself all over the bathroom floor. Nathan was pretty shocked too, he ran and got a midwife - apparently its all normal! So relax 😅

Something else that comes with c-sections…knee high compression socks. Now if your by yourself, you better ask for help. There is no way whatsoever that you will get them bad boys on single handedly after that op, Nath had to pretty much choke slam me into mine. Also, really not the best fashion accessory when its 30 something degrees outside…I think mine lasted about two days!

And then comes the dreaded day, the first poo 😳 Id been taking iron pills, three a day. To try and counteract the affect that they have on you I’d been given lactulose. Nothing was happening, I think probably 5 days past and then the urge came! I remember sitting on that toilet and wanting to push but there isn’t a single thing in your body thats gonna let you do that, so you just sit and wait, like your waiting for fucking Christmas. That was no bloody Christmas let me tell you, black poop! Straight on google to check I wasn’t dying…turns out, just the iron tablets 😂 

Totally never realised you have to have injections after a c section either, absolutely fine when the midwives are doing it for you, then you get discharged…AND YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF! Theres something really hard about trying to give yourself an injection in your stomach, id have to psych myself up about ten times before id actually get it done. 

Before I was discharged I had a lady come and do some exercises with me, and show me the correct way to cough e.g. holding your stomach. All fine as you know when your going to cough, but a sneeze! Oh lord, they just pop up out of nowhere, no preparation, nothing. I sneezed unexpectedly one night and was convinced I had split my stomach open, obvs Dr. Nathan checked the situation out for me - just being a drama queen as usual!

You are also told ‘Don’t do too much, and don’t lift anything heavier than a kettle for 6 weeks’ Pretty sure Ada came out weighing more than a kettle so that was that one buggered! I definitely used to do too much around the house, washing etc, but you know about it afterwards. I think for a good few weeks I just ached continuously, Getting off the sofa, sitting up in bed, walking upstairs could all be pretty hard work somedays. 

Bleeding, who knew you could survive after losing so much blood. And just when you think it’s stopped, BOOM, guess who’s back, back again! Another thing I googled to see if I was dying, I wasn’t, and good old google informed me that everyone is different but it can last for a few months on and off, GREAT! What a glam life us mums have. 

Personally I am gutted that I won’t experience a natural birth, the chances of me having another baby is currently slim to none and even then I would book in for a c-section because I am too scared of what could happen after Ada. 

I think the point of this is to be mindful of what you say to someone, e.g. the easy way out, too posh to push etc. Not everyone has a choice, the ideal birth they have created in their mind has been taken away from them, some people won’t ever get the chance to experience a natural birth, a contraction, that first hold. Some people might opt to have a c-section, and that is totally fine! We all have to do what is best for us and has our Childs best interest at heart. 

So whatever choice you make or have to make, do it for you and your baby - fuck what everyone else says, this is your story, not theirs. 

Amy x

[whataboutmysanity]

You probably Won’t Read This...

Not to flex on everyone but I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in I don’t know how long and it’s starting to cause some serious damage to my psyche. I keep taking too much medication in order to put myself to sleep (I’m currently waiting for tonight’s dose to hit) and I cry over any and everything going on around me right now. I have cried at work on three separate occasions which is fantastic seeing as how my coworkers never expect me to show any kind of emotion. The urge to drop off the face of the planet grows stronger every single day. I’m supposed to be 100 days clean of self-harm on Christmas Day but these past few weeks have really been testing me. I deleted my Facebook profile because I was tired of looking at all the people who are my “friends” even though we haven’t spoken to each other in years. I am desperately seeking attention through the Internet as if it’s not filled to the brim with everyone else doing the exact same thing. Maybe going back to therapy for the thirteenth time (I think) will do me some good. Or it will just land me on another grippy sock vacation that I can’t afford. Either way, it feels like it would only be a temporary fix to a seemingly permanent issue. I hate being mentally ill and I would think that after almost a decade of “suffering”, “battling”, and “managing” all of it I would be as little better and yet somehow every day just feels worse and worse. Lower and lower. And I know half of it is just the Major Depression, Seasonal Depression, or Bipolar Depression talking. And I know that something will throw me into a Manic Episode soon enough and I just can’t wait to come crashing down from all of that bullshit. 

Anyway... Goodnight or Whatever. 

[chasholidays]

you're so awesome for doing this! one of the highlights of my holiday season. i would love a bellarke izombie au! thanks so much

“You know, I knew you were a stubborn asshole, but this is a lot even for you.”

Bellamy doesn’t look at her, too busy attempting to navigate through traffic to turn his attention away from the road. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t let me eat the brain.”

It’s still a little disconcerting to be able to just say it, to have her secret out in the open, or at least open to Bellamy. After years of hiding and lying, justifying erratic behavior and inexplicable hunches, she can just say what she’s doing and why, and he’ll believe her. And, even more miraculously, he’s accepted it, doesn’t seem to have let it change his opinion of her.

Except this one thing.

“It’s not fair.”

“Not fair?” she asks, incredulous.

“It’s cheating,” he grumbles.

“Cheating.”

“Look, it’s not like I don’t–appreciate it,” he says, delicate. “You’re a great resource. You do amazing work. But it’s not police work.”

“Who cares? You didn’t care when you thought I was a psychic–”

“I never thought you were a psychic,” he says. “Come on, Clarke. I knew that was bullshit. I knew there was another explanation, I figured it was like Psych or something. You were just really observant or something.”

“And you let that go, but now that you know I’m–”

“It’s like using magic.”

“Which you’d do, if you had it. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t.”

He sighs, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Look, this is hard for me, okay? Not–the zombie stuff, I’m dealing with. I get that. But I already felt like relying on you made me a shitty cop, and now it’s like finding out my lab partner did so well on homework because she had a copy of the answer key.”

“And that’s bad,” she says, mostly to fuck with him.

He takes his eyes off the road for a second to glare at her. “I don’t like cheating.”

“Okay, but–there’s no teacher. We’re catching murders, not doing assignments. Cheating doesn’t really apply. That’s not how it works. If it helps you do your job better–”

“Does it?” he asks, and from his tone, this is the real issue. The heart of the matter. “I’m not doing my job better. You are.”

“You’re doing it. I get–flashes. I don’t know everything. And even if I did, I don’t know how to make a conviction stick. I ate someone’s brain and gained their memories isn’t admissible evidence in court.”

“I just want to solve a case without–”

“Without me.”

He pulls into a parking spot and turns off the car, gives her a significant look. “If I wanted to do it without you, you wouldn’t be here. I think we’re a good team, but–it’s hard to be sure when you’ve been lying to me on every case.” She winces, and he sighs. “I get why, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“And I guess I get why it bothers you. But–you’re a great detective, Bellamy. Part of being a great detective is using all your resources.”

“Like my zombie partner who can see victims’ memories by eating their brains, yeah. I want to do this one right.”

“You’re such a Hufflepuff,” she teases.

“Shut up.”

“I’m just being thematic.”

“Don’t remind me.” He lets out a breath. “You ready?”

“Ready.”

Aside from her total lack of background memories from the victim, Clarke is excited for the job. If anyone had asked three years ago, she would have said she’d never be excited about investigating a murder, but people really can get used to anything. She has a good job that keeps her busy and satisfied, as well as providing her with a difficult-to-obtain and vital source of sustenance, all her friends are now aware of and accept her status as the undead, and she’s doing pretty well.

Besides, she’s bringing murderers to justice with one of her best friends, and this weekend they’re doing it at a Harry Potter convention. Who wouldn’t be excited about that?

Bellamy gets their bags out of the trunk with a sigh, which basically answers that question.

“I know you like Harry Potter, don’t pretend you don’t.”

“I like playing Hearthstone after work, that doesn’t mean I want to go to a tournament. Hardcore fans are scary. And it’s not just a Harry Potterconvention,” he adds. “That’s the fandom we’re representing, but there’s a lot more.”

“I know.” She grins. “And I’ll protect you. That’s the point of our cover, right? I’m the fan, you’re my long-suffering boyfriend.”

“That’s the plan, yeah.” He shoulders his bag and then hers before she can object. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

*

Even without her skipping out on the brains, Clarke thinks this case would have felt like a test. It’s their first major case since Bellamy found out about her, and one where it’s just the two of them, away from home. They’re sharing a hotel room too, and that means Bellamy is going to have firsthand interaction with, well, her. For all they spend time together, he’s been spared the day-to-day realities of being a zombie. They’re work friends, and this isn’t them becoming friend friends, but it is a new level of intimacy.

And Clarke’s not opposed to an increase in intimacy. It’s just that she knows she’s not exactly easy to live with these days.

“You have to eat brains?” She can’t read his tone, but if he’s disgusted, he shows no sign of it. He might even be curious.

“Zombie. It won’t interfere with the case, but I don’t want to go too long without eating and risk losing control.”

He nods. “Yeah, I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to eat me.” He watches her for a second, and then adds, “So, what personality are you going to get this time?”

“Oh, no. I shouldn’t get one from this.”

“You shouldn’t?”

“Monty and I did some experiments, when I first–when it happened. Just figuring out how the memories showed up, how long the personality changes lasted, stuff like that. This brain has been completely frozen and then thawed, so it won’t have any effect on me. It’s purely nutritional.”

“Huh.” He drums his fingers on the table. “How did you decide to tell Monty?”

She smiles a little. “I didn’t. He figured it out, and he’s Monty, so he’s basically prepared for an eventual zombie apocalypse. At first I’m pretty sure he was expecting me to turn on him any day, but he was hoping if I did it would give him good data on how to fight the outbreak.”

“And he’s working on a cure, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want that?”

She stares. “Are you kidding? Of course I do.”

“Just checking. I didn’t want to–” He runs his hand through his hair. “It sounds shitty to me, but I figured maybe there were pros that outweighed the cons or something. I didn’t want to say I hoped he found one and then find out that you like being a zombie.”

“You don’t have to worry so much about saying something wrong,” she says, gentle. “I get that it’s fucked up. If you need to freak out.”

“It’s freaky, yeah. But I figure you’ve been a zombie the whole time I’ve known you, so–” He shrugs. “You’re the same person I’ve worked with for years. Except when you’re not.”

“Except when I’m not?”

He gestures to the tupperware she’s eating from, half a smile on his lips. “The wild mood swings.”

“I figured if you really thought I was a psychic, you’d write it off as eccentricity. It’s not my fault you don’t believe in psychics.”

“Good way to get the attention off the zombie thing.” He clucks his tongue. “Okay, I’m going to go grab some food for myself. I assume you’re set.”

“Yeah. But if you want company, I’ll come with you.”

His smile is warm, the kind she doesn’t get from him very often. Maybe, now that everything is out in the open, she’ll get more. “Yeah, company sounds nice.”

*

“Okay,” she says the next morning. They have an hour before the con opens, which means plenty of time to come up with a plan. “So, we know the victim was very involved in–what fandom again?”

“She’s a cosplayer,” he says. “So she’s a part of that community more than a single fandom. A lot of her friends and associates are here, and she was involved in founding and planning the con. I’ve already talked to her family and friends, but we’ve been having trouble finding her online contacts. Or connecting their online and offline identities, I guess. So we’re going to be asking about Tenshi, not about Angela.”

“Did you ask Monty about this one? If anyone knows how the internet works–”

“If this doesn’t work we will. But she’s pretty well known, and she was posting on social media about being here. So if you ask about it, it’s not going to be suspicious.”

“So basically she’s my favorite cosplayer and I want to find out about her.”

“Yeah. And I’ve got a list of other cosplayers we’re looking at. Honestly, I’m just expecting a lot of buzz about her not being here, so we should pay attention and see what we can find out. And I’m hoping that’s going to let us figure out which of the other attendees are her friends and which ones we should be talking to formally.”

“You know what else would let us figure that out?”

“Good, old-fashioned detective work,” he says, firm, and she smiles.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

On the one hand, it is hard to ignore how much easier this would be if Bellamy wasn’t being stubborn about the whole brain-eating thing. On the other, Clarke will admit that real detective work really isn’t so bad. Not that they don’t do real detective work the rest of the time, but it is a different vibe than their usual. It hadn’t occurred to her that Bellamy would feel like he wasn’t really working, when he took advantage of her information, but it’s not a surprise either, not now that she’s thinking about it. He is that kind of stubborn.

Pretending to be his girlfriend isn’t so bad either. She’s not convinced it’s necessary, or that it would draw attention if she and Bellamy were just two people enjoying the con together. But she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying it, holding his hand and leaning in close to talk. It’s stupid too, of course, kind of unspeakably so, because she can’t date anyone right now, not with the whole zombie issue, and she’s been trying hard to ignore how much she likes him.

But she really, really does. And now he knows everything, and he still seems to like her as much as he ever did. She’d always thought his finding out would lose her a job and a valued relationship, and knowing she still has both, that he’s still happy to be around her and values her, is a little overwhelming.

It’s probably good she doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s brain on top of all that. It’s a busy enough weekend as it is.

Still, the case isn’t too bad, as they go. Bellamy has done enough legwork that he figures out the major players quickly, and between the two of them they put together a list of suspects and come up with a pretty decent timeline of what would have happened. They even get to enjoy the con some, after they arrest their suspect.

“I feel like I missed out on eating this one,” she muses, in the hotel room, and his eyebrows shoot up.

“What?”

“I could have made us costumes! It would have been cute. You’d make a great James Potter.”

“Thanks, I think.” He pauses, watching her. “It’s mostly just–presentation, right?”

“Presentation?”

“When you eat someone. It doesn’t change that much of what you do, just speech patterns and hobbies, basically. You don’t become another person.”

“No, not really. Sometimes I get–impulses, I guess? Stuff I wouldn’t want to do if I was just myself. But, yeah, it’s more like hobbies. It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t usually–I’m still myself, but different aspects get emphasized.”

“I guess that makes sense.” He clears his throat. “That was, uh–that was the part that gave me the most trouble. Not that the whole zombie thing wasn’t–it was all a lot to take in. But I felt like I’d never actually met you.”

“Really?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “How was I supposed to know which parts were you?”

“That’s why you wanted to make sure the stuff I was eating this weekend wouldn’t affect me.”

“I wanted to make sure I knew the real you, yeah.”

“And?”

“And you’re how I hoped you’d be. Except for the zombie thing,” he adds, careful.

“Not a zombie fan?”

“It complicates this plan I had to ask you out, yeah.”

If not for that complication, she’d kiss him. As it is, she just smiles. “It’s a little complicated, yeah. But–this is me, if you want to try to figure it out.”

He smiles back, takes her hand to give it a quick squeeze. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

[fatgirlsguidetodating]

Blog: Toxic relationships.

I've come to the point in my life that despite the fact I desperately want a partner and to have a kid that I can say to myself that I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't love and value me. Over the years I have seen far too many of my friends in toxic relationships, places where they weren't happy but they stayed. I watched as they often started to lose themselves and made the other person's happiness their only priority. As they put up with bullshit because they thought the pain that the toxic relationship brought them was better than the pain of losing and letting go of the person that they loved so much. Some because their culture saw other things as more important than love and happiness, some because they thought they could do no better, some because they had a kid with them and some because they loved that person so much they'd forgive anything and everything and as a result were stuck in that cycle. I've had many an argument with people over the years who say if they weren't happy they'd leave but they don't understand sometimes there's that almost battered woman syndrome affect where they just *can't* walk away. I've never been a victim of BWS but a forensic psych unit at uni really made me think and see that "just walk away" isn't that simple. And toxic relationships- some where there's no abuse as such, some where there's physical abuse, some where there's mental abuse, and some where there's a mixture- have that same cyclic response. As a friend I truly think it's one of the worst things to see someone you care about in these types of toxic relationship. You want to support them but at the same time you want to shake them and say wtf mate, you deserve so much more! So what is a toxic relationship really? How do you know if you're in one? Why do they stay? By definition, a toxic relationship is a "relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner...a toxic relationship is not a safe place. [In essence] it [a toxic relationship] is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control. [One where by staying] we risk our very being. These [toxic] relationships have mutated themselves into something that has the potential, if not corrected, to be extremely harmful to our well being." (1) How do you know if your relationship is one of these toxic ones? Well there are red flags, signs that many chose to ignore because of the cyclic nature of these relationships (more on this later including those which are abusive). Such as criticism. Not the criticism that comes from a positive place that's to help the person or relationship but more so that used to express contempt or disdain where it makes the other person feel so unvalued, unloved and worthless. There's also arguing without communicating. By that I mean over and above the normal arguments that any relationship will have, where it's more about yelling over one another and no real communication and therefore nothing is solved. Or when you avoid your partner all the time because the energy when together is completely negative. Also when you are no longer yourself. Yes you will change within a relationship, that's a given, but there's a difference when the change is bigger. (2) Something also like a constant struggle for power. Suzanne Lachman, Phd, suggests imagining your relationship as a seesaw. "If both partners understand their power (or are empowered), the seesaw stays relatively level and balanced...But if one person in the relationship has brought in a feeling of powerlessness, [they] may try to compensate by baring down on the seesaw, shifting [their] weight, and perpetually uprooting, destabilizing, or ungrounding [their] partner on the other side.” (3) And also jealousy where your partner wants you all to his/herself, so much so that you barely see friends or family because they monopolise your time. In extreme cases this also includes where they may stop you from going out with say single friends or drinking. There are also behaviours that are toxic that most people would think of as normal within a relationship. The problem here however is that, in part, many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. As Mark Manson puts it "we worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities." (4) In his article he lists the 6 behaviours that psychological research has shown are actually toxic rather than just part of the usual ebb and flow of a relationship. These include keeping score (you know the whole well you got drunk at my 21st and I had to spend the night looking after you despite it being my big night so I got revenge by flirting with my hot work colleague), excessively passive aggressive behaviour (finding small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you can feel like being mad at them is totally justified), blaming your partner for your own emotions (you had a shitty day at uni but when you wanted that sympathy and support he was busy playing call of duty or busy with work) or buying solutions to problems (a holiday will solve everything right?). Despite this these relationships aren't necessarily hopeless but if they are going to work they need a lot of hard work to be changed into a healthy relationship. The paradox is that in order to have a reasonable chance to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy relationship, we have to be prepared to leave it. (1) One reason that seems pretty common for why people stay in a toxic relationship where they are unhappy more than they are happy is cultural reasons. Culture, tradition and religion are often bedfellows in emphasising that a marriage should be for keeps which is at odds with the way the law views marriage, which is more as a contract that, if breached, provides remedies such as divorce. (5) I was talking to a guy online, I think it was "Tagged" and he told me he was married. I wasn't shocked. I mean half of tinder seems to be made up of married men and it's just as prevalent on other dating sites or apps. (Take me and Married Guy for instance.) But rather than abuse him or just delete him or ghost him I asked him why he was looking for sex online if married? He was an Indian man and he told me that the marriage was great at first, they had two kids together, but, as time went by she stopped wanting to have sex with him so he was looking for that online. I said so why not leave? He said it was his culture that they stayed. And that he loved her and they were close and happy. Just not intimate. To tell the truth that could all have been a load of bullshit, I've had my fair share of poor me my wife has no time for me/my wife is away for work a lot/my wife's no longer into sex and even one guy who claimed his wife physically couldn't have sex with him anymore but because she had a major psychiatric illness he didn't want to leave her because she would hurt herself or kill herself. (Needless to say I blocked him pretty damn quick.) I've spoken briefly about a friend who stays with her partner because he's a good provider, not because she's in love with him anymore. They do have periods in the relationship where things are happy and harmonious enough though she doesn't talk about ever being intimate (except the 3 times she was pregnant when clearly they did the deed) and by the same token I rarely- if ever- hear her talk about loving him. I know she used to talk about it- they were about 22/23 when they first met and he was her first everything. Back then she couldn't get enough of him. Now the way she talks about him is in a detached manner. And it's usually more bitching about him. He even tells her if she leaves he will get everything including the kids (unlikely), or her own mother tells her that she'd be selfish to leave because the kids get supported better within the marriage, or her own sister says she'd be on her husbands side if they broke up. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life- what could equate to another 40 plus years- with a man whom she refers to only as "[my] husband" and never talks about him with any kind of love, romance or heck even traces of feelings just because he works hard and provides luxuries for them! Probably the most common reason I see and hear for people staying in toxic relationships is they genuinely believe that they either couldn't do any better or they would be alone forever if they walked away. Whilst they might know intellectually that nobody should have to settle for less than they deserve their emotions leave them conflicted. Underneath all of these rationalizations is a deep seated fear of being alone. Think back to your childhood. We’re you given many- or even any- examples of how to be alone on tv, movies, books, or the internet? Instead the chances are it was about how to make it work with your partner rather than to walk away and be happy alone until you found the right partner. Sure there’s nothing wrong with looking for love but very few people know how to be alone and happy. Too often the pleasure they find in a relationship is the release of not being by themselves in the world rather than love with their partner. (6) As Terry Gaspard wrote “too often I hear [people] who are coupled up rationalise while they are still in a relationship when...they shouldn’t be [saying] things like ‘I know my relationship isn’t perfect, but at least he doesn’t yell at me’ or ‘he is a really good dad.’...[things like that remind me] that breaking up with someone is an act of courage.” (6) Sometimes it's the partner who has put these thoughts in their head either with subconscious actions or conscious words, but often it's the person's own insecurities at play too. Or perhaps there's still a part of them that doesn't want to believe you can do better? (7) It's even been suggested that these people just don't *want* to find someone better, an argument that's attracted a fair bit of detractors. There was even a book written by Dr Henry Cloud saying that, essentially, there are plenty of people out there if you really wanted to. Carolyn Kauffman, who has a doctorate in psychology, finds this annoying. As she wrote this is giving out the implicit message that they just need to try harder. (8) I have a couple of friends like this. In truth I have to admit I belong here too. After all I accepted a fuck buddy relationship with J1 and Married Guy because I thought that something was better than nothing. And I thought to myself well hey at least they actually *want* me unlike most of the male population. I didn’t allow myself to think too hard about the fact that I was allowing the idea that I was fuckable but not dateable. Another guy I know, D, has offered me a fuck buddy relationship too but I haven’t taken him up on that offer because I’ve decided that I have to stop settling for less than I really want. How can I expect men to see me as being worth more than just causal sex if even I don’t think I am? In my case my insecurity is mainly related to my weight, but it also goes back to my teenage years and the damage the relationship with the man I lost my virginity to did to me and my psyche. Two of my friends are in situations where I do believe they stay with a partner or return to him over and over because they think they can’t do any better. In one case she’s overweight too so perhaps she thinks like I do- or did-, in the other case she may have a couple extra kilos on board but she’s definitely not what I would consider fat- though her husband often tells her that she’s a whale! (He’s a charmer that one!) In both cases I haven’t ever really asked them why they stay or go back to someone with whom they weren’t exactly happy and who show them no love or affection and barely even sleep near them let alone have sex with them. One of them admits she can’t even remember they slept in the same bed let alone had sex. This is because he often falls asleep on the pull out bed playing xbox (or PlayStation or wii or whatever the f game console all the cool kids are using these days), in the other case he often sleeps in another room because he snores, but to me they kind of seem like excuses not to share a bed with the woman they are in a relationship or married to. A third friend is kind of a combination of a few examples- she thinks she cannot do better as a bigger person and thus puts up with her partner cheating on her and even hitting her. (I’ll look more at cases of physical abuse in a follow up blog post.) Interestingly both have said to me at various times if they found themselves single again they wouldn’t bother looking for a new relationship anywhere, that they’d just be happy enough as is, with their kids. And kids, it seems, is the third most common reason why people stay in relationships they aren’t happy in. They think it’s the right thing to do to give the children that perfect nuclear family. A former friend of mine had lost her older children so when she had another child with her new partner she went on and on about making memories and giving [the child] the “perfect childhood.” She was overcompensating and I’m sure she knew it- especially when the kid was spoilt rotten! Another person I knew stayed with his wife for something like 4 years “for the kids.” They didn’t sleep in the same room, were barely home at the same time, didn’t even really speak when they were home at the same time and never showed the other affection. One of the kids even picked up on it asking her dad why he never hugged mummy like her friends daddy’s did. But is a relationship where mum and dad barely speak, unless it’s to argue, show no affection to one another and the energy in the house is always so thick with negativity better than being in a situation where they may have two homes but they also have a mum and dad who are actually happy? According to child psychologist Kimberley O’Brien the answer to that is a big no. And that parents pretending to their kids that the relationship is fine are fooling themselves. “Kids are really sensitive to changes to things like voice tone and parents’ stress levels”, she says. (9) Yes there are many benefits to children having a mum and dad together- such as the children are less likely to divorce when older or are less likely to engage in delinquent behaviour or get pregnant early- but if a relationship isn’t working then staying just for the kids is when problems arise. (10) Because there is a bigger impact on the children in these cases than you realise. For instance the kids pick up on a lot more than adults realise (like the friend I mentioned who asked her dad why he never hugged her mum), and ultimately two happy seperate parents are better than two together yet miserable parents. (11) The final reason I see for people staying in toxic relationships that are way past their use by date is purely that they love that person more than anything and forgive them anything and everything and as such the partner knows what he or she can get away with and thus the cycle of this toxic relationship continues over and over and over and it’s damn hard to break. But it *can* be done. As mentioned up above with time and hard work it can be fixed provided both parties are willing. Madeline Fugere, Ph.D, names some of the most common reasons why we may stay in relationships that whilst not abusive are still toxic and not great for us. 1) We can be satisfied with an unsatisfactory relationships. Perhaps it’s because we have low self esteem, thinking ourselves unattractive, or that they simply have low standards from what they expect to receive in a relationship. 2) A shift in priorities. We tend to see our romantic partners positively but sometimes that is unrealistic. What this means is that effectively we view characteristics that our partners have as more important and more valued than other characteristics. Like a generous partner may make up for a partner not being thoughtful? 3) Low quality alternatives. If you perceive alternatives- like being alone or in another relationship- as lower-quality alternatives, you are more likely to stay, even in an unsatisfying relationship. 4) Manipulation. If your partner is aware that you want to leave the relationship, he or she may use different methods of manipulation to force you to stay such as emotional manipulation like belittling, demeaning or even threats of violence against you or a future partner. The distress associated with emotional abuse or the physical implications of intimate partner violence are strong enough deterrents to those seeking to leave a relationship that women who are psychologically distressed may not feel like they even have the ability to leave the relationship. 5) Investment. When you have long-term investments with a partner such as a business, a mortgage, an investment property or children it can be harder to leave. And, last but by no means least in my humble opinion is 6) Love. Psychologists distinguish among three different components of attitudes- the cognitive component or thoughts, the affective component or feelings and the behavioural component or actions. And even though these components may not be aligned with each other, such as your thoughts being negative but your feelings positive. We may continue to love our partners, even though we consciously recognize that we are involved in bad relationships. (12) Psychologists have developed something they have dubbed the “interdependence theory”, which is essentially the science of relationships. The theory states that, in essence, each partner will evaluate “[their] personal satisfaction with the relationship by assessing costs and benefits...[and as long as the] perceived benefits [will] outweigh perceived costs [they] are happy with [their] relationship.” (13) We use pros and cons list for many things these days- do we move, get a new job, go on holiday, get a new car, etc- so why not with relationships too? Relationship satisfaction relies heavily on the following three things: * They’ve already invested heavily in it, giving them the sense that the relationship must have some value. * They see no viable alternatives that are better than the current relationship. * They currently feel satisfied with the relationship. In a recent article psychologist Levi Baker et al gave some insight that might help explain why people stay in an unhappy toxic relationship and continue that cycle over and over. They note that even the best relationship is bound to have rough patches. Career changes, illness of a family member or even the birth of a child can bring new stressors into a relationship which will significantly reduce relationship satisfaction for both partners. But they remain committed because this commitment isn’t “based on a current level of satisfaction with the relationship...[but rather] it depends on the past as expected relationship satisfaction in the future.” (13) In practice what this means is that your current level of satisfaction doesn’t signal commitment. Instead it shows whether there are problems with the relationship that need addressing. Any dissatisfied feeling tells you to put more work into your relationship. In fact, says David Ludden Ph.D, “ just doing something to improve your relationship, such as devoting more time to your [partner] or seeking couple's therapy, can boost your expectation for a happier marriage in the future, thus bolstering your commitment to work things out.” But when people can’t envision an alternative that’s better than the unhappy arrangement they’re in, they may stay and try to make the best of a bad situation. These couples find ways to mitigate the strife in their marriage, ending up as housemates rather than soulmates. They may derive little happiness from their relationship, but they don’t expect it, either. And some, perhaps many, still find sufficient happiness from friendships or other activities in their lives. (13) Fatgirl. NB: as this blog post was so big I’m going to do a separate one about BWS (and emotional abuse). How can you tell if they (or perhaps even yourself) are in one of these? How do you support a friend when you know- or at least feel- that what they are doing isn't the right thing for them? And, furthermore, what do you do when the toxic relationship turns violent or there is mental abuse in play? Sources: 1.) http://www.healthscopemag.com/health-scope/toxic-relationships/ 2.) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.elitedaily.com/dating/13-signs-youre-toxic-relationship-ruining-life/966801/amp 3.) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.rd.com/advice/relationships/toxic-relationships/amp/ 4.) https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-habits 5.) http://www.herald.co.zw/divorce-clash-of-culture-tradition/ 6.) https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4777120 7.) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.theodysseyonline.com/why-you-cant-seem-find-someone-better-then-your-horrible-boyfriend.amp 8.) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychology-writers/201304/why-finding-life-partner-isn-t-simple%3famp 9.) http://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-19/should-parents-stay-in-a-relationship-for-the-kids/8412350 10.) https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-to-stay-together-for-the-sake-of-the-children-1102599 11.) https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6055010 12.) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dating-and-mating/201705/6-reasons-why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships%3famp 13.) https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-apes/201705/why-so-many-unhappy-couples-stay-together%3famp

[yourbrotherzulu]

Monk Mode

The room is dark and damp. It is so moist that even dry clothes in the shelf start to collect a fine layer of mold after just a few days. Which is... superannoying.

The peruvian rainforest is mercyless. The rains convert any walkway to roaring rivers in a few seconds. The other day I got stuck knee deep in the ground and lost my shoe. Rest in peace old friend sandalo.

Even the chicken escape. They all sit in the treetops. Dozens of them. I didn’t even know that chicken can do that. Sitting in trees, I mean. I guess they are birds after all.

If they would just sing like birds.

But they don't. They fawn. I believe that is the correct english term for the noise they make.

A hundred chickens every morning making their chickens fawn. BAWKBAWKBAWBAWKBA...

and then it stops.

and a few seconds later...

Some other stupid chicken in the other corner of the center decides it hasn't said enough. Something still needs to be discussed. And then it starts all over again. BAWKBAWKBAWKBAWKBAWK...

It starts at three at night... And goes on for hours.

I am sitting on the concrete floor on a little cushion, the legs are crossed. I am eager to proceed with my practice.

My friend the monkey is gone. He and his wife are visiting their family in the deep jungle during the rain season. Now my only friend is my practice. (And my earplugs actually, without them I would go nuts here. Chickens in the morning. Dogs in the evening. Moskitos all through the night )

One hour I meditate. The alarm rings.

I set it for another hour.

Monk mode.

(It`s a new ancient application. You can download it directly to your mind, if you have the correct OS installed. Just takes a few years of trial and error and a pinch of patience)

The alarm rings again.

Not enough. A third hour.

I'm serious these days.

It's only workouts, yogasanas, fasting, plant-medicines and vipassana-meditation. And Game of Thrones.

I lost 7 kilograms of weight, while building up a lot of strenght and look as if Master Michelangelo has chiseled me. I am impressed with what I see in the mirror for the first time in my life.

It's a clean cut time. No bullshit. I enjoy having time. Not worrying about food or rent or appointments or anything else but my own mind and body and soul.

But it's enjoyment without fun. Does this make sense?

It's maybe not the definition of kindness to myself. But discipline and austerity are important  elements of self love too... It's the archetypal fatherly, masculine aspect of my psyche that gets it's proper activation now. Its also an experiment. How far can I go? How strict can I be with myself? Its the right environment here for that.

Well... there’s a little bit of pleasure in the morning, when my mind has not booted yet and I hump my blanket for a few minutes fantazising it's Josi...

And for the most part I ain’t leaking my sexual energy. I try my best to conserve it. The Taoists say, the best energy, the qi, is taken from all other organs to produce the semen and if not wasted, the body is not drained anymore and furthermore one as the ability through certain methods to use that energy as fuel for spiritual purposes. It makes sense to me. But it’s fucking hard. No pun intended.

There is a lot to say about the benefits of semen retention, but I will save that for later.

I don’t have Internet here anyway, so it’s much easier.

I do have my practice though. Meditation can be extremely interesting.

To observe the constant interaction between the body and the mind.

Vedana-samosarana sabbe dhamma, the Buddha said, Everything that arises in the mind flows together with (physical) sensations.

Just this phrase is so exact. He didn’t prioritize one over the other. And it is true, to me it’s impossible whether the mind stuff generated the sensations in a given moment or the other way round...

I’m sorry. I’m alway getting so nerdy when it comes to this... But it’s sooo interesting.

There is a lot of ignorance in my system. Lots of issues in my mind that I cannot access. Lots of parts in my body where I don’t feel anything at all. But at least I'm becoming less ignorant towards my ignorance. I start to see my blindness.

Isn't that an odd thing. That one is so ignorant towards ones own ignorance. The nature of ignorance is it's unawareness. We can be ignorant towards a certain thing and at the same time are totally unaware that we are ignorant.

Thats the different between a white and a black belt Jiu_jiutsu. The black belt has an idea of what he doesnt know.

Or with the freemasons. The master has accepted that he will always be an apprentice.

But the ignorant apprentice may think he has already what it takes to be the master. And thus creates only chaos like micky mouse in fantasia.

But there is no need to beat oneself up for being ignorant. There is ignorance. Accept it. That is already less ignorant. No need to create more tensions because of it.

Equanimity and Awareness. Awareness and Equanimity. They are like the two wings of a bird, my teacher said. One has always to be equal in strength as the other. They have to be developed simultaneously. If one becomes very aware but does not develop in equanimity, one developes a very sharp mind but also a very harsh and irritable mind. If one becomes very equanimous but the mind is dull, one doesn’t even see anything. But seeing reality as it is and accepting the here and now, nothing inherently bad or good, everything dependent on ones own perspective... that is what it is about.

Not just on an intellectual level though. On an experiental level. On the deepest level of the mind. And that is the interface between mind and body.

Balancing the mind. No aversion, or hatred towards the seemingly unpleasant, no craving or cling towards the pleasant. The nature of each thing is self-lessness. No inherent self of either good or bad. Just potential. Just opportunity. Depending on the perspective the mind takes. And what perspective the mind takes is dependent on its programming.

Re-programing the mind on the deepest level, that is what meditation is for me.

...

Shit... I’m getting way to technical... But I can’t stop... I have... to... explain... and... it’s... probably.... interesting... for someone.... else... too...

I’m almost done. But this is important.

I'm making a major mistake in my practice. Like a cardinal mistake. Like using an electrical drill and drilling through my own hand. Without noticing.

This major mistake is actually the root reason for this whole story, for all the deep, murderous darkness that lies ahead.

But since I'm not aware of it yet, and won't be for quite some time there is no point to discuss this now...

Now I'm practicing.

Until the gong rings through the whole center and calls us for breakfast.

[niskrp]

:// SEARCHING OPERATIVE …

… searching for AGENT 025 / THE STRENGTH. classified files indicate that they go by SEO JIHAE, and are also known as CINNA. born in PYONGYANG, DPRK, in 1991/06/07, further investigation makes it clear that they joined the agency FOUR YEARS ago. they are an INTELLIGENCE AGENT who specialize in HACKING. higher clearance is needed to access further information…

… ENTER PASSWORD TO ACCESS THE COMPLETE FILE.

:// ACCESSING BACKGROUND FILES ...

born during the famine of north korea, survival is a word jihae has seemingly always been familiar with.

his parents are loving and attentive, never raising a cruel hand to him or each other in spite of the harshness of their circumstances. however, he learns from the start that love isn’t enough to get you through the day to day, that money talks and bullshit walks. his parents have long since resorted to drug dealing to earn some form of protection from the nearby officials, to earn the cash their jobs as a factory worker and hopeful author (his father) and market vendor (his mother) could never hope to bring. when he’s old enough to understand but still not ask questions, he too, participates and helping in secret drops and money collecting from these places.

life isn’t perfect, but for the majority of his young life, it’s manageable, it’s surviving. he learns what he can from school, learns the ways of the streets from his savvy parents, who to avoid and who will help. he occupies himself with the stories his father is allowed to have courtesy of privilege, foreign books. like his parents, he dreams of one day escaping to another place and his determination to help their family sets itself in stone.

things come to a crashing halt not long after his eleventh birthday when his father is framed for a murder he didn’t commit. the truth is simple enough, some of his regulars, police officials, get a little too enthusiastic and kill someone, and rather than take the blame, they out his father as a drug dealer– who would ever believe him over them, after all? he goes along with it, for the sake of protecting his family, and while death is something jihae’s young eyes are accustomed to, seeing his father die at the hands of a firing range pales in comparison.

it’s nearly a blur after that as he and his mother decide to make their escape. they gather their cash and what few things won’t weigh them down because they’ll need to run. they make it, somehow, with aching, exhausted limbs, to china but luck is not on their side. officials of the government are at the designated location. jihae knows what comes next, remembers it from going over plans with his parents and then only his mother, but he’s not prepared for a goodbye so soon, never prepared for his mother to take the fault of escaping onto her own shoulders as he’s secretly whisked away by the smugglers they’d paid off.

he’s taken to thailand and from there he gives himself over to the authorities just as his mother instructed him to. he’s taken to south korea instantly, ‘a refugee’ they say. he’s clothed and sheltered, the men and women helping him showing him a tenderness he doesn’t know what to do with at first. jihae lets himself cry, lets himself grieve, and he takes their help and betters himself, betters his knowledge of the strange foreign world he finds himself in, gets help for the lingering affects such a life and experience has had on his psyche.

it’s a struggle at first but with the help of the people who adopt him into their family, he overcomes his hard life little by little. the couple who become his parents are loving and tender, good people, and his younger sister adores him. he adores the family too but feels guilty for it, thinking it’s disrespectful to memory of his parents. he’s not good at showing he cares, but they’re never swayed by it, encouraging him always towards whatever his goals are.

he learns fast, catching up to his fellow classmates in school in spite of everything, his efforts aided by his eagerness to delve into the information flow of the internet he’d been deprived of, by his own want to receive help for himself. he dabbles in things he shouldn’t, learns things he shouldn’t, but it never stops him. he graduates the school he’s sent to and proceeds on to college to major in computer science, fueled by the desire to know all the inner workings of technology he can possibly absorb. the environment is boring, uneventful even, but it betters his understanding, helps him refine some things, and that keeps him from dropping out due to pure boredom. it’s a skill he shouldn’t want to have and yet it fills him with a strange sort of passion.

he finds himself in a life of crime after college. this time it involves the very computers he’s gotten obsessed with. over the years he’s steadily become addicted to being somewhere he’s not with just the click of a few buttons, enjoys the challenge of it all and the newfound freedom that comes with no strings attached to anything– no schools, no jobs, nothing. he finds a small group of people who are like him and begins working under the name ‘cinna’. they become nuisances to people, friends to others, and for a while that’s okay, it’s good. he’s happy. he’s floating with no destination but he’s happy. being a hacker is like being a survivalist in a sense, at least to him, and this is something he knows how to do all too well.

perhaps it’s hubris that draws him to attempt hacking into one of the government’s databases. perhaps it’s boredom or perhaps it’s something else entirely, the details a bit fuzzy when the culprit refuses to elaborate. regardless, he’s caught red-handed and flagged down, arrested as soon as they put a name to him. he resists very little despite the circumstances, confirming he did what he’s been accused of but nothing more.

he’s not expecting nor wanting anyone to help him, but his adoptive parents try nonetheless, promising him the best defense lawyer they can confirm. he knows he’s disappointed them but in the end he still doesn’t regret it.

it isn’t them that he receives the help from but someone else entirely. he’s skeptical when an nis agent shows up wanting a chat, incredibly so, but hears the person out, expecting another ploy to get more details from him. the person brings a job offer instead, a way to make everything disappear should jihae agree to take it, to train and become part of the nis. it’s all too easy, too simple, for his liking but it’s either this or prison and thoughts of the family he’s disappointed, both of them, has him agreeing reluctantly.

it happens as promised. the charges are dropped and he’s whisked away to training. it takes him two years and a half of hard work but by the end of it, he’s an agent and he feels a little less like he’s floating through binary code and more like he’s following a path. he grows attached to the work, to the people surrounding him, to using his skills for something bigger than himself. he’s not bored, not wandering, he’s static and pleased with everything as it falls into place. he has a lot that needs working on but he’s getting there.

:// ACCESSING PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION ...

when first speaking to jihae, one would never guess he’s endured even a fourth of what he has. if anything, he comes across as a slightly flirtatious slacker with a penchant for pet names, poorly timed jokes, and who’s quite content remaining seated while others go and do the heavy lifting. while he is all of the things he appears to be, one would only be scratching the surface of his personality and for those who have no desire to, that’s all they’ll ever see.

digging deeper, however, it’s easy to see that jihae hides behind humor, using it as a defense mechanism to guard against the seriousness he’s known all of his life. he speaks a lot about himself, openly so, and never hides his struggles though it’s in such a casual manner, he’s never surprised if someone would find it doubtful. without a doubt, he still has his issues, his nightmares and tiny idiosyncracies from it and it still prevents him from fully opening up to his family. overall, however, he lets it roll off his shoulders, letting people assume whatever they want. that being said, he can be temperamental at times, most especially when it comes to seeing people wasting food and their lives away.

when it comes to his job, jihae is wholly devoted to utilizing his skills for the nis. his position has given him a better purpose and direction when his life seemed rather aimless and pointed downwards than anything. he feels somewhat indebted for the opportunity and works doubly hard on all tasks given to him.

all in all, jihae is a kind and hardworking, albeit flirty and prideful, individual. in spite of preferring humor over seriousness, he knows how to buckle down when it counts most so he can be there properly for his colleagues.

... END OF FILE. CONTACT THE AGENT DIRECTLY FOR MORE.