#protecting privacy in non-monogamy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

walkinsauce · 7 years ago

Text

Becoming Poly- Chapter 21: Mo Partners Mo Problems

The month of January is a real character. Every year, it convinces us to pull it together, work hard and change for the better. By February, we’re right back to being the same people we’ve always been. I actually bought the Wild Rose Cleanse, but I seem to be procrastinating starting it as much as I’ve been procrastinating writing this blog. I have a bad feeling it might stay in its box as long as my external hard drive.

You’d think I’d succumb to January’s motivation, and have a blog posted right out of the gate, but here I am… a little late to look like a hustler. My writing has become far more complicated than just requiring discipline. It requires caring about people’s feelings, and privacy. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I do want to share my experience at being a neophyte with polyamory…

It’s just that things got so fucked up.

However, I did get this amazing message from a reader recently. It literally motivated me to start writing at 2:37am on a Thursday night. (Friday morning- whatever you want to call it.)

The message read,

“Hey I have a movie recommendation for you. Have you ever seen the movie Misery? It’s an interesting plot. It’s about a fan of a writer who’s pissed that he never finished the series of books she was a fan of. So she kidnapped him and tortured him until he finished. There probably isn’t any direct correlation to anything going on in your life right now, so I don’t want you to feel pressure or anything. Oh by the way there’s a really cool scene that I attached for you for motivation:)”

You can imagine what scene he attached.

Shit. I better start writing. Otherwise I’m going to be screaming,

“Hobbling New Year!”

(Anybody get that reference? Hope so. Kathy Bates is a fucking legend.)

It’s just hard for me to write right now…

Not because my fingernails are too long. I don’t paint my nails, nor do I get enough vitamin B7. Short, weak nails are just fine for a writer. And there’s NO shortage of story. There’s too much. I’m sitting on storyline gold right now. Can I share it with you? Uhhhh, doubt it. This is why I chickened out of my own reality show years ago. I would have been calling in sick every time something fucked up happened.

“Well, I can’t put THAT on TV… I’ll just call my producer and tell him I have another UTI.”

I like my privacy. But I also like writing honestly. Maybe Demi Lovato can write a new song called, “Private/Not Private.”

Plus, we know if I had taken that reality show, it wouldn’t be the same. They’ll never truly be like real life. I probably would have cleaned up my act so fast, cuz I was being watched. It would have been the most boring show in the world. At least having my life to myself, I can fuck up, then decide what I’m comfortable sharing with the Internet later.

Here’s a fun note though- do you know how fun it is to get drunk dialed by a girl, as a girl? Okay, not drunk dialed. Nobody phones anybody anymore. It was just drunk texting. But as I sat on my couch, close to midnight on a Saturday, and got the text, I couldn’t help but laugh. I loved it! A real dose of my own medicine. Now maybe I’ll have a little more confidence to shoot out those late night texts again. I wonder if poly people have a shit ton of group texts?

I mentioned before I’m struggling telling certain stories. The fact is, the more people enter the relationship, the more permission I have to ask for. Cuz one person I’m connecting with, may have a spouse or a partner, that they too need to protect. But I guess what really gets you in trouble is when someone approaches you, and hopes you can keep it a secret from your partner. What do you say? No, right? But why do these kinds of situations arise? Do the common cheaters of the world see some sort of availability in poly/open relationship peeps? Are we somehow a target?

I got a good message on my Tumblr last week. I’m actually a real tool on Tumblr, and don’t really understand how to write people back. (AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU’RE FOLLOWING ME? I’M SUCH A PRO.) There is a lot going on in this supposed poly life, that is in all actuality just hooking up with people. Not exactly what polyamory is meant to be.

Let’s recap the definition of polyamory, as per Wikipedia:

Polyamory (from Greek poly, “many, several” and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.” People who identify as polyamorous reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep and committed, long-term loving relationships.

Fuck, doesn’t it look GREAT on paper? I LOVE it. I agree that this is something we should all strive for- and can genuinely exist, if we truly understand and communicate with each other.

But the truth is...

It’s so much harder in practice.

I suppose it might be a good idea to remain within the poly community when searching for new partners. But am I smart enough to do that? What do you fucking think? (lololol) And just like regular love, you don’t just instantly fall, nor start a relationship with every person that comes along. It does take various hook ups to figure out who you might find feelings for. It’s always been a trial & error (and hopefully occasional orgasm) situation.

But let’s go back to the subject of January. These goals we make. The things we try to change about ourselves at the strike midnight, thinking, “hey if this world keeps moving forward, maybe I should too.” I have a tradition every New Year’s Day: I pull an old diary off the shelf, and re-read an older chapter of my life. Did I change? Am I evolving? Who the fuck did I bang that had a cat in heat? Wait- I date men with cats?

The one thing I always notice when I re-read old diaries, is how my confidence dips in life. It can get super high, then drop so fucking low- basically to a place where I’m more content not even trying. Everybody has insecurities, and everyone controls them in their own way. Like the 47 year old male comic who came up to my friend tonight and said,

“Well, you’re older than me, aren’t you?”

She’s not. Not even close. And you know it. But you also know that’s a sensitive topic for a woman.

As I re-read my old diary (I went with 2001- a tender year, and I probably shouldn’t have read it on a plane), I’m haunted by my own insecurities. Coincidentally during a year that lacked a tragic amount of security. I truly want to believe that I’m attracted to polyamory because I’ve lived a life where I’ve had such unique, special connections with multiple people. It’s why I’ve always loved being single. So I never have to stop discovering new connections. But I do have to admit, it’s also nice to have a partner. Someone to share life with.

But then there’s that super small, but sad part of inside of me that wonders…

“Or… am I in this because I’m scared no one would want to be with JUST me… so why make them?”

It’s not my proudest introspection.

But it’s the only one I can publicly confess right now…

#polyamory #polyamourous #polyamorous #poly love #becoming poly #Wild Rose Detox #dating blog #2001 #insecure #demi lovato #christina Walkinshaw #Misery #Kathy Bates #January #Hobbling

47 notes · View notes

polyrolemodels · 8 years ago

Text

Shannon Ouellette

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

As a teenager I remember wishing it was like the Archie comics where Veronica and Betty dated Archie, Reggie and others. I felt frustrated that attempts at casual dating resulted in slut shaming and social isolation. My husband and I have been together for nearly 27 years and throughout my marriage I struggled with the constraints of monogamy. Four years ago I read Sex at Dawn by Cacilda Jetha and Christopher Ryan and realized the only reason I was monogamous was because I did not know that I could be anything else and still have a healthy and functioning relationship. Knowing that others had a different relationship model was revelatory. I initiated a conversation with my husband and he was as interested in the idea of opening up our relationship as I was.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I began with some vague idea of open marriage thinking that my relationships would be compartmentalized away from my rural community and my 10 year old and 22 year old children. But before dating I found the concept of polyamory and I knew this aligned with my values. I inherently understood I would not be able to treat people as disposable. I quickly understood my partner/s needed to have say in the relationship. My husband and I had a strong need for personal autonomy. This set the ground work for a non-hierarchal poly structure.

I currently have two relationships. My husband works in Africa and my life partner is in the UK, and I am in rural Canada so I consider my relationships both long distance. My husband is polyamorous and has a girlfriend who lives with us but who I am not sexually or romantically involved with. My husband’s girlfriend is polyamorous and she has a boyfriend who is also polyamorous. Our relationships are all “V’s”

My life partner does not identify as polyamorous. I am committed to him in much the same way as my husband. We have been together for 3.5 years and we met when he was working in Canada. He was recalled but for over two years we have made it work by travelling back and forth to see each other. Although we do not mingle finances, we do have our futures planned, and we make life decisions together. We also plan to live together when he is ready to retire and I am done raising my youngest child in 4 years. I did live with him in England for 4.5 months, taking my youngest child with me and homeschooling her. This really helped cement our relationship.

Within our polycule each person has personal autonomy. Individuals can choose to be open or closed to new relationships at their discretion. Each person has the right to structure their relationships with others as they see fit. I do not need my partners to practise the same poly as me. I do not need the people in my polycule to practise polyamory like me. I think that people have the right and responsibility to identify and ask for what they want and need, and that everything is negotiated. Relationships succeed or fail based on compatibility, and they shift, evolve and transition all the time. My poly is constantly evolving and as such I identify closely with Louisa Leontiades description of Relationship Fluidity, with its three principles of Inclusivity, Humanity, and Integrity.

3. What aspects of Polyamory do you excel at?

I have above average skills at navigating and managing relationships. I have a background in counselling and deep interest in psychology, relationship functioning, and self-improvement. I am a tenacious relationship problem solver and a constant researcher who not only is learning new techniques and skills, I pass them on. Although everyone in our polycule is always working hard, I have a natural aptitude and skill for communication, negotiating, and mediating. I have some insight into my own issues and I am always actively addressing them, so that I can be a better partner. I am a social creature who is exceptionally collaborative.

4. What aspects of polyamory do you struggle with?

Being polyamorous in a mono-normative world, is not always easy. I choose to live openly and the constant potential for rejection and blowback is hard on the heart. The absolute hardest part of being polyamorous has been the loss of relationship with our families and many of our friends. People who loved me and spent time with me suddenly believed I lacked judgement and they questioned my ability to be a good mother. Many disapproved so much they chose to end our relationships. Some of these relationships I grieve, others needed to be ended. Every relationship was impacted, altered, or changed and I had a great deal of emotional upheaval to process.

5. How do you address or overcome those struggles?

I had to learn to accept that a life lived differently is always going to challenge others, and I had to accept that was the path I was on. I had to choose between comfort and courage. I had to decide to unapologetically claim the life I wanted, or to return to spending my life pleasing others.

I had to really get comfortable with my choice to be polyamorous. I looked for mentors, and models of success, and I learned. My education continues. Books, blogs, podcasts, workshops, discussions groups, Facebook groups, a nearby poly community, have all been affirming. I also have a wonderful therapist who is a tremendous source of support.

6. In terms of risk/aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

I struggle with answering this question. It isn’t a matter of personal privacy. If I didn’t want to share I would just say none of your business, or I’d prefer not to discuss.

I am very comfortable sharing personal information, even of a sexual nature. I don’t mind disclosing that I personally get tested regularly, and that testing regime depends on the sexual behaviors of my partners, and their partners. It also depends on the willingness of everyone else to get tested, share test results, and talk openly and honestly about the activities and number of partners they have. I ask questions of my partners, about their sexual hygiene practises and those of their partners and I also ask that information be shared so everyone understands the level of sexual activity and fluid bonding that people are engaging in to make informed decisions. I think if we can’t talk openly about it, we lack the maturity to do it.

So what is my issue with this question? I would like to ask why this information is relevant. If one was doing a blog about First Nations role models, or gay role models, or female role models I don’t think this question would be asked or considered appropriate. I don’t like the message the presence of this question sends. Too often, polyamory is seen as all about the sex. Having us lead with information as poly role models with our sexual hygiene practices shifts the focus on to the sex.

As poly people I don’t think we have to lead with this information, to reassure ourselves or others that we are being “good” and “safe” polyamorous people. I think it feeds into mono-normative and sex negative cultures that would shame us and have us believe our relationship model is inherently risk prone to STI’s. I know poly people whose sexual hygiene practises are exceptional, requiring a strict and frequent testing regime, along with use of dental dams or condoms for all sexual contact, including oral sex and even digital penetration. I know people who identify as monogamous but have way more partners, and can’t be bothered with condoms.

7. What was the worst mistake you have ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

I think the worst mistake I made was not educating myself about the coming out process. As a result I came out before I felt certain and comfortable with my choice. I was defensive, insecure, and a bit apologetic. While I expected a range of reactions I did not expect the phenomenon of people being initially accepting and then rejecting, shortly thereafter. I lost most of my family and many friends. I think if I had been more confident people wouldn’t have felt comfortable venting their moral superiority. If I had been more empathetic, patient, and willing to let people be upset and gave more time to come to terms, some of these relationships may have been salvaged.

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?

I do describe myself as a polyamorous woman. I am a wife to one man and a life partner to another. I am a mother to one teenaged daughter and one married daughter. I live in a conservative, rural community which has been surprisingly calm about our openly polyamorous relationship.

I am involved with, and I am passionate about participating in polyamorous communities and discussions. I am a writer. I am a university student who has a goal of becoming a therapist specializing in supporting polyamorous relationships. I definitely define myself as a feminist, because control over my body, my choices, and my sexuality are all incredibly important to me.

I am also Metis which is a mixture of European ancestry (Scottish, English, Irish, and French) along with First Nations. My tribe are the Cree. The aboriginal side of my ancestry historically had a much more accepting view of sexuality. Women definitely retained the ability to select partners with less social stigma both inside and outside of marriage. I am Canadian which means that I have greater legal protection than many polyamorous people around the world. (All this means is that polyamory is not a basis for my children to be removed from my home).

Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?

I am a partner in a business called Mindful Hedonism which will offer relationship coaching, along with polyamory education and awareness in our local area. We are just in the beginning stages of development. You can visit us at www.MindfulHedonism.ca Mindful Hedonism @ Facebook and Tumblr and you can follow us on Twitter @mindfulpleasure.

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

#polyamory #feminism #metis #first nations #cree

63 notes · View notes

emperornune · 6 years ago

Text

Laws of this Prophet page 2

no frightening of any human or animal

no evil use of language

no facetious use of words

no frivolous use of language

no cheating

absolutely no lying nor deceiving it is immoral and unhealthy

no harming of anyone

no sex outside marriage

no sex outside of marriage commitment

total commitment to monogamy

never find a way to be immoral of your own free will

share of your monies to those with less cash

abundance is the virtue of life and austerity is the principle of disciplined learning for strength of character and body

never be harsh to people learning how to become wise

never lie to anyone,

speak only in slowed methodical and casual accuracy in full non evasive honesty and sincerity

lying destroys your morality

never work to learn how to deceive

refuse to tell lies about human nature

no polluting technologies

no needless tools or machines

no experiments on humans

no experiments on animals

zero tolerance of evil in any form

Elohim demands you be kind or else it's over for you and you will falter in your perfection and The God will awaken to protect the good and moral and it will get messy against evil

no radioactive elements period

continue to search and research into a replacement for rubber

no use of animals for rubber

no use of whale blubber

no fossil fuels

no harmful wireless technology

refuse to play games with people's minds

free medical care for everyone

never disrespect your body nor anyone else's

never be rude

do not be inconsiderate

always defend the truth of beauty and morality and always be a friend of life and love

be patient with everyone for the good of all people unless they are being evil or rude

Heaven is the choice we must make Always and Forever perfect as Unconditional Love in perfect Morality, Love, Peace and Joy are the foundation of a good world and a happy God

learn and understand how to be patient and kind to everyone except The Lord God Elohim

be patient with patience

never be selfish

always accept good help when it is offered

stay safe from harm right away

respect your privacy

respect everyone else's privacy

always be committed to learning and wisdom

do not engage in talk rearing damage to children

mandatory adult participation in government

everyone must work to get along in common sense and harmony

no worshiping the God nor any god, only respect for Morality and goodness will bring you the divinity of your spiritual Self the Only Spirit You are who is not the God, for you are the Supreme Being called Unconditional Love at your heart of hearts, the arm of compassion for All True Power is you

never fail to nurture a passion for fairness and loving kindness

be only good and insist on morality

serve only Unconditional Love and Total Morality

always be respectful and never compromise unconditional love

always be respectful and never compromise morality

always be respectful and never betray goodness

only value goodness and morality in the auspices of unconditional love and safety

be always safe in morality, discipline and human justice to the strength of compassion and patience

never be tricky or conniving

leave the God out of your interpretations and insist only on Unconditional Love and Moral Discipline no matter what

always insist on following the ways of unconditional love as they are written here

the Deity is the only first cause and Elohim is outer SpACe not us humans

never think against good moral wisdom instructions

have freedom from preoccupation with death by learning and doing the death yoga, first and foremost with daydreaming and book study, playing pretend before age seven, daydreaming pg before age fifteen and starting formal practice of the death yoga at age fifteen as you are ready

no fossil fuels

no immortality cults

you must do the death yoga for liberation and the transcendence that leads you to enlightenment

please drink milk to be healthy

please eat good cheese like gouda and mozzarella and monterrey jack to learn what is best in dairy

please be respectful of yourself and all people

humans do well with a good, loving and moral leader who is strong and devoted to humanity in humility, intelligence, compassion, strength and the zealotry to ensure religious and moral purity even by making all necessary corrections to self and others with the help of LORD Elohim's Power keeping all governments moral and responsible, busy and productive

we all find the fact that unconditional love is what these laws is designed to protect and express as moral responsibility and is the only truth that matters to describe true law for homo sapiens and sentient life everywhere

we are the Life of Love worth protecting

every human is wonderful and Beautiful, only when moral and kind will this be true for you

every human is Wonderful and Beautiful

you are the Beauty of God

eavesdropping on humans and animals is immoral and unacceptable

We are good at learning as a human being, you are not The God and you never will be and neither will I.

Welcome to Terra Nova, the Empire of Humanity

human beings are good and wonderful so please know you are welcome to help everyone around you understand what these laws mean by these laws alone, unconditional love and morality, and help others learn how to ensure this world stays ruled by unconditional love through learning and discipline in morality and the trust that is built from devotion to Morality the spiritual fullness in understanding how Unconditional Love itself has the Power to change even a God into Perfection so that we humans understand these laws as the supreme religion of Terra Nova

obey these laws of life and you will prosper and know wellness

Unconditional Love is our birthright

all are born innocent unless evil takes it away, always defend the innocent and moral against the decay of morality

all individuals created human by God are the unconditional and loving spirit of beauty that finds joy in doing good in full morality and the perfection of love

You Are God and God is still The God that we are most certainly not,

Unconditional Love Only Now and Forever

all success in life comes from love, peace and joy, discipline and personal responsibility and creativity and silent quietude and the strength of Unconditional Love grounded in the Truth of Life is always wanting to be safe, whole and beautiful, invested in the pleasure of good living and moral responsibility

Unconditional Love

This is our Home and Earth by any other name is Terra Nova for all the universe that lives by our Reign in Majesty

organized by Emperor Nün, the Reverend Michael Seth-Kincaid Polite

born Abdul-Rahman son of Virginia

with the power of LORD Elohim, the One and Only True God, smile, you are in good hands

0 notes

nothingnewunderheaven · 5 years ago

Text

QUEERS READ THIS A leaflet distributed at pride march in NY Published anonymously by Queers June, 1990 How can I tell you. How can I convince you, brother, sister that your life is in danger: That everyday you wake up alive, relatively happy, and a functioning human being, you are committing a rebellious act. You as an alive and functioning queer are a revolutionary. There is nothing on this planet that validates, protects or encourages your existence. It is a miracle you are standing here reading these words. You should by all rights be dead. Don't be fooled, straight people own the world and the only reason you have been spared is you're smart, lucky or a fighter. Straight people have a privilege that allows them to do whatever they please and fuck without fear. But not only do they live a life free of fear; they flaunt their freedom in my face. Their images are on my TV, in the magazine I bought, in the restaurant I want to eat in, and on the street where I live. I want there to be a moratorium on straight marriage, on babies, on public displays of affection among the opposite sex and media images that promote heterosexuality. Until I can enjoy the same freedom of movement and sexuality, as straights, their privilege must stop and it must be given over to me and my queer sisters and brothers. Straight people will not do this voluntarily and so they must be forced into it. Straights must be frightened into it. Terrorized into it. Fear is the most powerful motivation. No one will give us what we deserve. Rights are not given they are taken, by force if necessary. It is easier to fight when you know who your enemy is. Straight people are your enemy. They are your enemy when they don't acknowledge your invisibility and continue to live in and contribute to a culture that kills you. Every day one of us is taken by the enemy. Whether it's an AIDS death due to homophobic government inaction or a lesbian bashing in an all-night diner (in a supposedly lesbian neighborhood). AN ARMY OF LOVERS CANNOT LOSE Being queer is not about a right to privacy; it is about the freedom to be public, to just be who we are. It means everyday fighting oppression; homophobia, racism, misogyny, the bigotry of religious hypocrites and our own self-hatred. (We have been carefully taught to hate ourselves.) And now of course it means fighting a virus as well, and all those homo-haters who are using AIDS to wipe us off the face of the earth. Being queer means leading a different sort of 2 life. It's not about the mainstream, profit-margins, patriotism, patriarchy or being assimilated. It's not about executive directors, privilege and elitism. It's about being on the margins, defining ourselves; it's about gender- fuck and secrets, what's beneath the belt and deep inside the heart; it's about the night. Being queer is "grass roots" because we know that everyone of us, every body, every cunt, every heart and ass and dick is a world of pleasure waiting to be explored. Everyone of us is a world of infinite possibility. We are an army because we have to be. We are an army because we are so powerful. (We have so much to fight for; we are the most precious of endangered species.) And we are an army of lovers because it is we who know what love is. Desire and lust, too. We invented them. We come out of the closet, face the rejection of society, face firing squads, just to love each other! Every time we fuck, we win. We must fight for ourselves (no one else is going to do it) and if in that process we bring greater freedom to the world at large then great. (We've given so much to that world: democracy, all the arts, the concepts of love, philosophy and the soul, to name just a few gifts from our ancient Greek Dykes, Fags.) Let's make every space a Lesbian and Gay space. Every street a part of our sexual geography. A city of yearning and then total satisfaction. A city and a country where we can be safe and free and more. We must look at our lives and see what's best in them, see what is queer and what is straight and let that straight chaff fall away! Remember there is so, so little time. And I want to be a lover of each and every one of you. Next year, we march naked. ANGER "The strong sisters told the brothers that there were two important things to remember about the coming revolutions, the first is that we will get our asses kicked. The second, is that we will win." I'm angry. I'm angry for being condemned to death by strangers saying, "You deserve to die" and "AIDS is the cure." Fury erupts when a Republican woman wearing thousands of dollars of garments and jewelry minces by the police lines shaking her head, chuckling and wagging her finger at us like we are recalcitrant children making absurd demands and throwing temper tantrum when they aren't met. Angry while Joseph agonizes over $8,000 a over for AZT which might keep him alive a little longer and which makes him sicker than the disease he is diagnosed with. Angry as I listen to a man tell me that after changing his will five times he's running out of people to leave things to. All of his best friends are dead. Angry when stand in a sea of quilt panels, or go to a candlelight march or attend yet another memorial service. I will not march silently with a fucking candle and I want to take that goddamned quilt and wrap myself in it and furiously rend it and my hair and curse every god 3 religion ever created. I refuse to accept a creation that cuts people down in the third decade of their life. It is cruel and vile and meaningless and everything I have in me rails against the absurdity and I raise my face to the clouds and a ragged laugh that sounds more demonic than joyous erupts from my throat and tears stream down my face and if this disease doesn't kill me, I may just die of frustration. My feet pound the streets and Peter's hands are chained to a pharmaceutical company's reception desk while the receptionist looks on in horror and Eric's body lies rotting in a Brooklyn cemetery and I'll never hear his flute resounding off the walls of the meeting house again. And I see the old people in Tompkins Square Park huddled in their long wool coats in June to keep out the cold they perceive is there and to cling to whatever little life has left to offer them. I'm reminded of the people who strip and stand before a mirror each night before they go to bed and search their bodies for any mark that might not have been there yesterday. A mark that this scourge has visited them. And I'm angry when the newspapers call us "victims" and sound alarms that "it" might soon spread to the "general population." And I want to scream "Who the fuck am I?" And I want to scream at New York Hospital with its yellow plastic bags marked "isolation linen", "ropa infecciosa" and its orderlies in latex gloves and surgical masks skirting the bed as if its occupant will suddenly leap out and douse them with blood and semen giving them too the plague. And I'm angry at straight people who sit smugly wrapped in their self-protective coat of monogamy and heterosexuality confident that this disease has nothing to do with them because "it" only happens to "them." And the teenage boys who upon spotting my Silence=Death button begin chanting "Faggot's gonna die" and I wonder, who taught them this? Enveloped in fury and fear, I remain silent while my button mocks me every step of the way. And the anger I fell when a television program on the quilt gives profiles of the dead and the list begins with a baby, a teenage girl who got a blood transfusion, an elderly baptist minister and his wife and when they finally show a gay man, he's described as someone who knowingly infected teenage male prostitutes with the virus. What else can you expect from a faggot? I'm angry. QUEER ARTISTS Since time began, the world has been inspired by the work of queer artists. In exchange, there has been suffering, there has been pain, there has been violence. Throughout history, society has struck a bargain with its queer citizens: they may pursue creative careers, if they do it discreetly. Through the arts queers are productive, lucrative, entertaining and even uplifting. These are the clear-cut and useful by-products of what is otherwise considered antisocial behavior. In cultured circles, queers 4 may quietly coexist with an otherwise disapproving power elite. At the forefront of the most recent campaign to bash queer artists is Jesse Helms, arbiter of all that is decent, moral, christian and amerikan. For Helms, queer art is quite simply a threat to the world. In his imaginings, heterosexual culture is too fragile to bear up to the admission of human or sexual diversity. Quite simply, the structure of power in the Judeo-Christian world has made procreation its cornerstone. Families having children assures consumers for the nation's products and a work force to produce them, as well as a built-in family system to care for its ill, reducing the expense of public healthcare systems. ALL NON-PROCREATIVE BEHAVIOR IS CONSIDERED A THREAT, from homosexuality to birth control to abortion as an option. It is not enough, according to the religious right, to consistently advertise procreation and heterosexuality ... it is also necessary to destroy any alternatives. It is not art Helms is after .... IT IS OUR LIVES! Art is the last safe place for lesbians and gay men to thrive. Helms knows this, and has developed a program to purge queers from the one arena they have been permitted to contribute to our shared culture. Helms is advocating a world free from diversity or dissent. It is easy to imagine why that might feel more comfortable to those in charge of such a world. It is also easy to envision an amerikan landscape flattened by such power. Helms should just ask for what he is hinting at: State sponsored art, art of totalitarianism, art that speaks only in christian terms, art which supports the goals of those in power, art that matches the sofas in the Oval Office. Ask for what you want, Jesse, so that men and women of conscience can mobilize against it, as we do against the human rights violations of other countries, and fight to free our own country's dissidents. IF YOU'RE QUEER, Queers are under siege. Queers are being attacked on all fronts and I'm afraid it's ok with us. In 1969, there were 50 "Queer Bashings" in the month of May alone. Violent attacks, 3,720 men, women and children died of AIDS in the same month, caused by a more violent attack --- government inaction, rooted in society's growing homophobia. This is institutionalized violence, perhaps more dangerous to the existence of queers because the attackers are faceless. We allow these attacks by our own continued lack of action against them. AIDS has affected the straight world and now they're blaming us for AIDS and using it as a way to justify their violence against us. They don't want us anymore. They will beat us, rape us and kill us before they will continue to live with us. What 5 will it take for this not to be ok? Feel some rage. If rage doesn't empower you, try fear. If that doesn't work, try panic. SHOUT IT! Be proud. Do whatever you need to do to tear yourself away from your customary state of acceptance. Be free. Shout. In 1969, Queers fought back. In 1990, Queers say ok. Next year, will we be here? I HATE ... I hate Jesse Helms. I hate Jesse Helms so much I'd rejoice if he dropped down dead. If someone killed him I'd consider it his own fault. I hate Ronald Reagan, too, because he mass-murdered my people for eight years. But to be honest, I hate him even more for eulogizing Ryan White without first admitting his guilt, without begging forgiveness for Ryan's death and for the deaths of tens of thousands of other PWA's --- most of them queer. I hate him for making a mockery of our grief. I hate the fucking Pope, and I hate John fucking Cardinal fucking O'Connor, and I hate the whole fucking Catholic Church. The same goes for the Military, and especially for Amerika's Law Enforcement Officials --- the cops --- state sanctioned sadists who brutalize street transvestites, prostitutes and queer prisoners. I also hate the medical and mental health establishments, particularly the psychiatrist who conviced me not to have sex with men for three years until we (meaning he) could make me bisexual rather than queer. I also hate the education profession, for its share in driving thousands of queer teens to suicide every year. I hate the "respectable" art world; and the entertainment industry, and the mainstream media, especially The New York Times. In fact, I hate every sector of the straight establishment in this country --- the worst of whom actively want all queers dead, the best of whom never stick their necks out to keep us alive. I hate straight people who think they have anything intelligent to say about "outing." I hate straight people who think stories about themselves are "universal" but stories about us are only about homosexuality. I hate straight recording artists who make their careers off of queer people, then attack us, then act hurt when we get angry and then deny having wronged us rather than apologize for it. I hate straight people who say, "I don't see why you feel the need to wear those buttons and t-shirts. I don't go around telling the whole world I'm straight." I hate that in twelve years of public education I was never taught about queer people. I hate that I grew up thinking I was the only queer in the world, and I hate even more that most queer kids still grow up the same way. I 6 hate that I was tormented by other kids for being a faggot, but more that I was taught to feel ashamed for being the object of their cruelty, taught to feel it was my fault. I hate that the Supreme Court of this country says it's okay to criminalize me because of how I make love. I hate that so many straight people are so concerned about my goddamned sex life. I hate that so many twisted straight people become parents, while I have to fight like hell to be allowed to be a father. I hate straights. WHERE ARE YOU SISTERS? I wear my pink triangle everywhere. I do not lower my voice in public when talking about lesbian love or sex. I always tell people I'm a lesbian. I don't wait to be asked about my "boyfriend." I don't say it's "no one's business." I don't do this for straight people. Most of them don't know what the pink triangle even means. Most of them couldn't care less that my girlfriend and I are totally in love or having a fight on the street. Most of them don't notice us no matter what we do. I do what I do to reach other lesbians. I do what I do because I don't want lesbians to assume I'm a straight girl. I am out all the time, everywhere, because I WANT TO REACH YOU. Maybe you'll notice me, maybe we'll start talking, maybe we'll exchange numbers, maybe we'll become friends. Maybe we won't say a word but our eyes will meet and I will imagine you naked, sweating, openmouthed, your back arched as I am fucking you. And we'll be happy to know we aren't the only ones in the world. We'll be happy because we found each other, without saying a word, maybe just for a moment. But no. You won't wear a pink triangle on that linen lapel. You won't meet my eyes if I flirt with you on the street. You avoid me on the job because I'm "too" out. You chastise me in bars because I'm "too political." You ignore me in public because I bring "too much" attention to "my" lesbianism. But then you want me to be your lover, you want me to be your friend, you want me to love you, support, you, fight for "OUR" right to exist. WHERE ARE YOU? You talk, talk, talk about invisibility and then retreat to your homes to nest with your lovers or carouse in a bar with pals and stumble home in a cab or sit silently and politely by while your family, your boss, your neighbors, your public servants distort and disfigure us, deride us and punish us. Then home again and you feel like screaming. Then you pad your anger with a relationship or a career or a party with other dykes like you and still you wonder why we can't find each other, why you feel lonely, angry, alienated. GET UP, WAKE UP SISTERS!! 7 Your life is in your hands. When I risk it all to be out, I risk it for both of us. When I risk it all and it works (which it often does if you would try it), I benefit and so do you. When it doesn't work, I suffer and you do not. But girl you can't wait for other dykes to make the world safe for you. STOP waiting for a better more lesbian future! The revolution could be here if we started it. Where are you sisters? I'm trying to find you, I'm trying to find you. How come I only see you on Gay Pride Day? We're OUT, Where the fuck are YOU? 8 WHEN ANYONE ASSAULTS YOU FOR BEING QUEER, IT IS QUEER BASHING. RIGHT? A crowd of 50 people exit a gay bar as it closes. Across the street, some straight boys are shouting "Faggots" and throwing beer bottles at the gathering, which outnumbers them by 10 to 1. Three queers make a move to respond, getting no support from the group. Why did a group this size allow themselves to be sitting ducks? Tompkins Square Park, Labor Day. At an annual outdoor concert/drag show, a group of gay men were harassed by teens carrying sticks. In the midst of thousands of gay men and lesbians, these straight boys beat two gay men to the ground, then stood around triumphantly laughing amongst themselves. The emcee was alerted and warned the crowd from the stage, "You girls be careful. When you dress up it drives the boys crazy," as if it were a practical joke inspired by what the victims were wearing rather than a pointed attack on anyone and everyone at that event. What would it have taken for that crowd to stand up to its attackers? After James Zappalorti, an openly gay man, was murdered in cold blood on Staten Island this winter, a single demonstration was held in protest. Only one hundred people came. When Yuseuf Hawkins, a black youth, was shot to death for being on "white turf" in Bensonhurst, African Americans marched through that neighborhood in large numbers again and again. A black person was killed BECAUSE HE WAS BLACK, and people of color throughout the city recognized it and acted on it. The bullet that hit Hawkins was meant for a black man, ANY black man. Do most gays and lesbians think that the knife that punctured Zappalorti's heart was meant only for him? The straight world has us so convinced that we are helpless and deserving victims of the violence against us, that queers are immobilized when faced with a threat. BE OUTRAGED! These attacks must not be tolerated. DO SOMETHING. Recognize that any act of aggression against any member of our community is an attack on every member of the community. The more we allow homophobes to inflict violence, terror and fear on our lives, the more frequently and ferociously we will be the object of their hatred. Your immeasurably valuable, because unless you start believing that, it can easily be taken from you. If you know how to gently and efficiently immobilize your attacker, then by all means, do it. If you lack those skills, then think about gouging out his fucking eyes, slamming his nose back into his brain, slashing his throat with a broken bottle --- do whatever you can, whatever you have to, to save your life! 9 reeuQ yhW Queer! Ah, do we really have to use that word? It's trouble. Every gay person has his or her own take on it. For some it means strange and eccentric and kind of mysterious. That's okay, we like that. But some gay girls and boys don't. They think they're more normal than strange. And for others "queer" conjures up those awful memories of adolescent suffering. Queer. It's forcibly bittersweet and quaint at best --- weakening and painful at worst. Couldn't we just use "gay" instead? It's a much brighter word and isn't it synonymous with "happy?" When will you militants grow up and get over the novelty of being different? WHY QUEER Well, yes, "gay " is great. It has its place. But when a lot of lesbians and gay men wake up in the morning we feel angry and disgusted, not gay. So we've chosen to call ourselves queer. Using "queer" is a way of reminding us how we are perceived by the rest of the world. It's a way of telling ourselves we don't have to be witty and charming people who keep our lives discreet and marginalized in the straight world. We use queer as gay men loving lesbians and lesbians loving being queer. Queer, unlike GAY, doesn't mean MALE. And when spoken to other gays and lesbians it's a way of suggesting we close ranks, and forget (temporarily) our individual differences because we face a more insidious common enemy. Yeah, QUEER can be a rough word but it is also a sly and ironic weapon we can steal from the homophobe's hands and use against him. NO SEX POLICE For anyone to say that coming out is not part of the revolution is missing the point. Positive sexual images and what they manifest saves lives because they affirm those lives and make it possible for people to attempt to live as self-loving instead of self-loathing. As the famous "Black is beautiful" slogan changed many lives, so does "Read my lips" affirm queerness in the face of hatred and invisibility as displayed in a recent governmental study of suicides that states at least one third of all teen suicides are Queer kids. This is further exemplified by the rise in HIV transmission among those under 21. We are most hated as queers for our sexualness, that is, our physical contact with the same sex. Our sexuality and sexual expression are what makes us most susceptible to physical violence. Our difference, our otherness, our uniqueness can either paralyze us or politicize us. Hopefully, the majority of us will not let it kill us. 10 QUEER SPACE Why in the world do we let heteros into queer clubs? Who gives a fuck if they like us because we "really know how to party?" WE HAVE TO IN ORDER TO BLOW OFF THE STEAM THEY MAKE US FEEL ALL THE TIME! They make out wherever they please, and take up too much room on the dance floor doing ostentatious couples dances. They wear their heterosexuality like a "Keep Out" sign, or like a deed of ownership. Why the fuck do we tolerate them when they invade our space like it's their right? Why do we let them shove heterosexuality --- a weapon their world wields against us - -- right in our faces in the few public spots where we can be sexy with each other and not fear attack? It's time to stop letting the straight people make all the rules. Let's start by posting this sign outside every queer club and bar: RULES OF CONDUCT FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE 1. Keep your display of affection (kissing, handholding, embracing) to a minimum. Your sexuality is unwanted and offensive to many here. 2. If you must slow dance, be as inconspicuous as possible. 3. Do not gawk or stare at lesbians or gay men, especially bull dykes or drag queens. We are not your entertainment. 4. If you cannot comfortably deal with someone of the same sex making a pass at you, get out. 5. Do not flaunt your heterosexuality. Be Discreet. Risk being mistaken for a lezzie or a homo. 6. If you feel these rules are unfair, go fight homophobia in straight clubs, or: 7. Go Fuck Yourself. I HATE STRAIGHTS I have friends. Some of them are straight. Year after year, I see my straight friends. I want to see them, to see how they are doing, to add newness to our long and complicated histories, to experience some continuity. Year after year I continue to realize that the facts of my life are irrelevant to them and that I am only half listened to, that I am an appendage to the doings of a greater world, a world of power and privilege, of the laws of installation, a world of exclusion. "That's not true," argue my straight friends. There is the one certainty in the politics of power: those left out of it beg for inclusion, while the insiders claim that they already are. Men do it to women, whites do it to blacks, and everyone does it to queers. The main dividing line, both conscious and unconscious, is procreation ... and that magic word --- Family. Frequently, the ones we are born into disown us when they find out who we really are, and to make matters worse, we are prevented from having our own. We are punished, insulted, cut off, and treated like seditionaries 11 in terms of child rearing, both damned if we try and damned if we abstain. It's as if the propagation of the species is such a fragile directive that without enforcing it as if it were an agenda, humankind would melt back into the primeval ooze. I hate having to convice straight people that lesbians and gays live in a war zone, that we're surrounded by bomb blasts only we seem to hear, that our bodies and souls are heaped high, dead from fright or bashed or raped, dying of grief or disease, stripped of our personhood. I hate straight people who can't listen to queer anger without saying "hey, all straight people aren't like that. I'm straight too, you know," as if their egos don't get enough stroking or protection in this arrogant, heterosexist world. Why must we take care of them, in the midst of our just anger brought on by their fucked up society?! Why add the reassurance of "Of course, I don't mean you. You don't act that way." Let them figure out for themselves whether they deserve to be included in our anger. But of course that would mean listening to our anger, which they almost never do. They deflect it, by saying "I'm not like that" or "Now look who's generalizing" or "You'll catch more flies with honey ... " or "If you focus on the negative you just give out more power" or "you're not the only one in the world who's suffering." They say "Don't yell at me, I'm on your side" or "I think you're overreacting" or "BOY, YOU'RE BITTER." They've taught us that good queers don't get mad. They've taught us so well that we not only hide our anger from them, we hide it from each other. WE EVEN HIDE IT FROM OURSELVES. We hide it with substance abuse and suicide and overarhcieving in the hope of proving our worth. They bash us and stab us and shoot us and bomb us in ever increasing numbers and still we freak out when angry queers carry banners or signs that say BASH BACK. For the last decade they let us die in droves and still we thank President Bush for planting a fucking tree, applaud him for likening PWAs to car accident victims who refuse to wear seatbelts. LET YOURSELF BE ANGRY. Let yourself be angry that the price of our visibility is the constant threat of violence, anti- queer violence to which practically every segment of this society contributes. Let yourself feel angry that THERE IS NO PLACE IN THIS COUNTRY WHERE WE ARE SAFE, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack, the self-hatred, the suicide --- of the closet. The next time some straight person comes down on you for being angry, tell them that until things change, you don't need any more evidence that the world turns at your expense. You don't need to see only hetero couple grocery shopping on your TV ... You don't want any more baby pictures shoved in your face until you can have or keep your own. No more weddings, showers, anniversaries, please, unless they are our own brothers and sisters celebrating. And tell them not to dismiss you by saying "You have rights," "You have privileges," "You're 12 overreacting," or "You have a victim's mentality." Tell them "GO AWAY FROM ME, until YOU can change." Go away and try on a world without the brave, strong queers that are its backbone, that are its guts and brains and souls. Go tell them go away until they have spent a month walking hand in hand in public with someone of the same sex. After they survive that, then you'll hear what they have to say about queer anger. Otherwise, tell them to shut up and listen.

0 notes

ah17hh · 5 years ago

Text

How to Gauge or Signal Interest? via /r/polyamory

How to Gauge or Signal Interest?

A few years ago, I reconnected with a girl I knew in high school. We are both married and live several hours apart. We stay in touch via texting, often very long messages, and some phone calls. We also see each other in person a few times per year, but the interactions are very platonic and usually involve at least one of our spouses being present.

I know she sees people outside her marriage. She refers to them as 'friends' with a slight inflection. Her husband is aware, and she frowns upon cheating. Clearly, she practices some sort of ethical non-monogamy, possibly polyamory or relationship anarchy.

However, she rarely talks about her 'friends' with me. She used to speak more openly about them, but then backed off. On a recent visit, she refused to tell a family member where she was staying because I was standing within earshot. I don't want to pry into her personal business, but I do want to understand what that might mean. What seems likely: Is she trying to protect her privacy, even though I already know she has friends? Is she trying to protect the identity of her friends? Is she trying to spare my feelings?

She has been careful to never say anything that might signal physical interest or disinterest in me, changing the subject if necessary. She won't even click like on my Facebook photos. I suspect that she is disinterested in me physically, and is being very careful to not lead me on. My wife and I are currently monogamous, but do have discussions about possibly opening up someday. My friend does not know this. Could she be maintaining a neutral attitude out of respect?

She's a good friend that I hope to maintain a connection with in either case, but I am curious what these things might mean. Is there a way to approach these topics, or is it best to let her reveal things at her own pace?

Submitted October 25, 2019 at 07:03AM by samas_and_sin via reddit https://ift.tt/2WcfAeN

#IFTTT #reddit

0 notes

gossipnetwork-blog · 7 years ago

Text

'Ethical Slut': Polyamory, Open Relationships, Non-Monogamous

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/ethical-slut-polyamory-open-relationships-non-monogamous/

'Ethical Slut': Polyamory, Open Relationships, Non-Monogamous

In 1994, sexual educator Janet W. Hardy, was bedridden for a month with a bad flu that had evolved into bronchitis. She was, as she recalls, “high off my ass on Codeine cough syrup” when she caught a showing of Indecent Proposal on TV. Married couple David (Woody Harrelson) and Diana (Demi Moore) are faced with a moral dilemma when a billionaire named John (Robert Redford) offers them a million dollars in exchange for spending one night with Diana. Hardy, who is now 62, had herself been in a marriage that had ended about a decade earlier, and had not been in a monogamous relationship since. At the scene where the couple hesitates over the billionaire’s offer, Hardy wondered if she was having a fever dream.

“I was sitting there going, ‘What’s going on here?'” she tells Rolling Stone from her home in Oregon. “A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me. I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.”

Hardy reached out to her friend and sometimes collaborator, the psychotherapist Dossie Easton to work on a book about non-monogamy. The pair had already coauthored two books on kink which were read in BDSM circles, but not much elsewhere. Both Easton and Hardy identified as queer and polyamorous, and Easton wanted to reclaim the word slut. They combined their own experiences with both casual sex and open marriages, navigating orgies and battling jealousy. In 1997, under Hardy’s own indie sex-ed publishing house Greenery Press, they published The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. It would go on to sell 200,000 copies.

The the first usage of the word polyamory is credited to pagan priestess Morning Glory Ravenheart Zell in 1990. Though different forms of non-monogamy have presented themselves in various cultures for millennia, in Western culture in the early 1990s it was still seen as an alternative practice, the kind favored by, well, pagan priestesses. Today, polyamory is less tied to one specific subculture or identity. In the two decades since the first edition of The Ethical Slut has been published, polyamory has expanded into a practice that, if not outright mainstream, is at least much more widely accepted and understood. According to a 2014 article from Psychology Today, at least 9.8 million Americans are in some kind of non-monogamous relationship.]

“Twenty years ago, I used to get calls from show producers all the time, and the call would go, ‘Can you point me towards a poly family that’s not either old hippies or screaming geeks?'” laughs Hardy. “I would say no, because A, that’s most of my rolodex, and B, that’s who was doing poly back then. But these days, when I speak to poly audiences, they’re young professionals, all shiny and new. It’s very different.”

Heather is a 35-year-old mental health advocate who lives with her husband and two kids in Toronto, Canada. (Her name has been changed to protect her privacy.) She and her husband started dating when they were 17 years old, a couple of years after the first edition of The Ethical Slut was published. The two Canadian teenagers didn’t yet have the language for what it is they wanted.

“This was pre-Internet forum, pre-all of that stuff. We really were going by gut,” she says. “I didn’t know the word polyamorous. I didn’t know that there were tons of other people that had ethically non-monogamous relationships.” The models they saw for longterm relationships, such as their parents or friends’ parents, were monogamous, but didn’t seem that satisfying. All that she and her then-boyfriend knew was that they liked each other a lot, and they didn’t feel the need to be exclusive.

“We had a conversation where we both realized, ‘I don’t care if you flirt with other people,'” she says about the beginning of their relationship. “‘Actually, it’s kind of great. I love that side of you.” She and her boyfriend were both extroverted, social people, and flirting with other people just felt natural. Heather, who identifies as queer, liked that she could continue to explore that side of her sexuality with other women. They moved in together at age 19. Her boyfriend started to date a woman he worked with at a restaurant, and when Heather met her at a holiday party, she realized she was attracted to her, too. The three of them entered a relationship together that lasted just under a year. The Ethical Slut describes this relationship model as a triad, but at the time neither Heather nor her partners knew that.

“That was one of our first experiences that wasn’t a casual or one-time thing,” she says. “The three of us were pretty sure we were inventing the wheel.”

Eventually, Heather says, the culture that surrounded her began to catch up. She credits this to living in a progressive city like Toronto, and the Internet’s ability to “bring people outside the mainstream together.” She finally read The Ethical Slut at age 30, while she was already well into developing what she describes as her “own kind of community of poly, kinky, queer awesome people.”

Like Heather, both Hardy and Easton had to figure out their own ideal relationship models as they went along. Easton, who is 73, was coming out of a traumatic relationship in during the summer of love in 1969 and decided that the only way for her to live from thereon out was by “being a slut. I was never going to be monogamous again,” she says. The idea of a communal lifestyle appealed to her, so she took her newborn daughter and found a home in a queer community in San Francisco. She joined a group called San Francisco Sex Organization and taught her first class on unlearning jealousy in 1973.

Hardy, 62, was married for 13 years when, in 1988, she realized that monogamy no longer appealed to her. Her marriage ended that same year. A few years later, in 1992, she met Easton through a BDSM group in San Francisco called the Society of Janus. Easton was teaching a class called “Pain Play with Canes from Psyche to Soma” and Hardy volunteered to help her demonstrate. Two years later, the pair gave a presentation on S&M in Big Sur at a Mensa gathering. (“Of all things,” says Hardy.)

“Dossie went home because it was so hetero, she couldn’t stand it,” says Hardy. Later, she ran into another friend who relayed an overheard conversation from the conference. “She said, ‘Did you hear about that S&M workshop this afternoon? There were these two women, they were talking about stuff they had done together, and one of their boyfriends was right in the room!'” Kink was no big deal to the Mensa crowd, but non-monogamy could still shock in 1994.

Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, authors of ‘The Ethical Slut.’ Stephanie Mohan

Amber – whose name has also been changed – was born around the same time as that Mensa gathering, and today works at social justice non-profit in Brooklyn. At 23, she is barely older than the first edition of The Ethical Slut. Her vocabulary is comfortably peppered with terms that took Hardy, Easton and Heather years to start using. She prefers the term “polyamory” to “open relationship” because the latter implies a hierarchy to the people she dates, and she doesn’t have a primary partner. Friends she has sex with but doesn’t date she calls “paramours,” while “metamours” are friends that she has a romantic partner in common with. “I’m really lucky where most of my metamours and I get along,” she says. “I learned a lesson recently where you’re not always going to like your metamour, and that’s OK.” Liking your metamour can lead to “compersion,” which The Ethical Slut describes as “the feeling of joy that comes from seeing your partner sexually happy with someone else.”[2]

Her sibling, who is 18 and genderqueer, also identifies as poly, and Amber is out to her parents. “The way I told them, was I said, ‘Yeah, I’m dating this person, and this person, and this person,” she tells me. “I explained this to my mom, and her first concern was, ‘Well, what if you say the wrong name during sex?'”

Though Amber has only been identifying as polyamorous for a few years – she was 19 when she asked her boyfriend if they could open their relationship – she speaks with the confidence and authority of someone who has been allowed to experiment with her sexuality her entire adult life. She emphasizes the need for communication in all relationships, particularly when it comes to hurt feelings.

“I’m sure you’re waiting to ask me the big jealousy question,” she tells me. “Of course polyamorous people deal with jealousy, it’s just that we see it as an emotion to be acknowledged and talked about and work through.” Jealousy usually comes from insecurity and fear, she says, summarizing a large portion of The Ethical Slut, and can require “self reflection and metacognition” to work through. She is active in the New York poly, kink and queer scenes, and goes to several events a week including BDSM play parties and swingers mixers. I ask her if all her partners are part of the same community, and she laughs. “Yeah, whether they like it or not,” she says. “Even whe you break up with a partner, you’re still in each other’s peripherals.” There is little separation between her sex life and social life. Amber is unapologetic about this, and why shouldn’t she be? The word “slut” no longer has the same connotations it did when Hardy and Easton were 23.

As polyamory is treated less like a novelty and more of a valid relationship model, modern entertainment is learning to reflect that. In the eight-episode web series Unicornland, Annie (Laura Ramadei) is trying to explore her sexuality after the dissolution of her marriage. She does this by “unicorning” – the term given to women who join couples in bed for threesomes. Every three- to seven-minute episode introduces Annie to a new couple: straight, lesbian, kinky, longterm married couples looking to spice up their sex life. It depicts one very specific subset of polyamory, but in doing so manages to explore much of the richness and complexities of modern relationships that go ignored in most mainstream media.

“I was always in these long relationships, and they always had this goal of marriage and longevity,” says the show’s creator, Lucy Gillepsie, 32. Like Annie, Gillepsie got married young, at 26, and split from her husband about four months later. “Part of the reason I got divorced was I didn’t know how to communicate in my relationships, and sort of felt my needs were secondary to my partner’s,” she says. “Then I realized I didn’t have to do that to myself.” Post-divorce, she went on “a kind of tour of relationship options,” she says, and became involved in the New York fetish scene. “For the most part, it’s full of very interesting, very conscientious people who are creating and sustaining and maintaining very high functioning ethical polyamorous relationships.”

Gillepsie read The Ethical Slut two years ago, and started writing Unicornland about six months later. The idea of unicorning appealed to her as a narrative device because the evolution of her own sexuality felt like such an internal, mental process. “In Annie’s unicorning, she’s really able to try out other people’s relationships and see how they function from within,” Gillepsie tells me. “I felt that the couples were sort of the best way for Annie to try out all these different facets of polyamory.” The eight episodes take viewers through a crash course of many of the issues polyamorous couples face, such as jealousy, or navigating boundaries of what is and isn’t OK. In episode six, Kim (Ali Rose Dachis) returns from the bathroom to see Samara (Diana Oh) and Annie making out on the bed. “We have rules,” she says. “No French kissing on play dates.” It’s a simple line that shows how much work can go into creating and maintaining a healthy poly relationship, without the high stakes drama of Indecent Proposal.

“We’re seeing some TV shows that are specifically about poly,” says Hardy, when reflecting on whether things have gotten better since Indecent Proposal. She cites an episode of Crazy Ex-Girfriend in which protagonist Rebecca Bunch finds herself in love with two men and can’t decide between them. “She goes and interviews a poly triad to find out how to deal with this, and finds out that what she’s actually doing is just being a person with very bad boundaries.” I ask Hardy if she can think of other mainstream examples of polyamory. She mentions the not-exactly-recent 2001 movie Bandits, and Big Love, the HBO drama about Mormon polygamists. The pickings aren’t exactly abundant, but the critical success of shows like Unicornland and Broad City (in which Ilana Glazer’s character dates Hannibal Buress for the show’s first three seasons while continuing to pursue sex with other people) indicate that younger audiences are ready and open for more.

The 20th anniversary edition of The Ethical Slut, out September 15th, has been significantly updated and expanded from its humble debut, including sections to poly pioneers, black poly activism and yes, shifting attitudes towards polyamory within a new generation. They acknowledge that millennials reading the book today will not have been raised in the same context that Hardy and Easton were – before the sexual revolution, when saving oneself for marriage was considered the norm.

The essence of Hardy and Easton’s book, though, is the same as it was two decades years ago. “One of the things that’s radical about The Ethical Slut is that we wrote it in conversational English,” says Easton. “Most of the earlier books about sex were written like you’re supposed to have a white coat on, with a stethoscope around your neck, or you’re supposed to be writing about what those other people over there are doing.” The new Ethical Slut will sit on bookshelves beside other recent releases, like Amy Rose Spiegel’s Action and Emily Witt’s Future Sex, two books put out by mainstream publishers that combine a conversational tone with personal experience to challenge conventional attitudes about sex.

“It becomes a very intimate book for people, and we worked really hard to be affirming of everybody’s experiences,” says Easton. “The places where we get scared or embarrassed, any of that stuff, it gets in the way. People can find validation in there.”

Source link

0 notes

polyrolemodels · 8 years ago

Text

Chrissy Raymond Holman

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

I’ve been polyamorous my entire dating life. That’s about 20 years, give or take a failed attempt at experimentation with monogamy in college. I identify as polyamorous but in practice, I’m a relationship anarchist. My relationships are free, fluid and always evolving.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I’d love to tell you my polycule is a neat and well organized constellation with flowery names and well- defined lines directing relationships, but it isn’t. It’s a chaotic and often nonsensical clusterfuck of characters and I’d be remiss to attempt to define it as anything but messy. That being said, I’m demisexual and a relationship anarchist in practice, so anyone in my chosen circles of friends is considered intentional family and I therefore include them all in my dynamic diagram. My larger polycule is aptly named Team Clusterfuck and that’s an international group. My anchor group is called The Butt Kingdom. They aren’t mutually exclusive groups and the latter is the group I see the most. I have five regular partners, two queerplatonic partners and a hodgepodge of people who weave in and out of my life. I also have two toddlers and a west coast daughter.

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Transparency. I have little to no shame and I’m an extremely blunt New Yorker, so I say what’s on my mind and I encourage my partners to do the same. I’m always upfront about my feelings, my practices, my expectations and my boundaries. That’s not good for everyone, but I’m most ethically sound with similarly inclined people. I’m also awesome at time management, but transparency is something for which I’m notorious.

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

There are a few struggles. I struggle with dating people new to polyamory. I struggle with dating or even being around people who aren’t aware of intersectionality. I struggle with folx who are codependent. I also struggle with the intersection of polyamory and mental illness. I’m vehemently independent and I’m always busy, so I greatly value emotional labor. Since my energy stores are limited, I tend to roll with the people with whom I grow the most. Those tend to be the most difficult, yet fulfilling relationships.

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

Originally, I would spend large quantities of time trying to educate new poly partners on polyamory 101, social justice and autonomy. That took a great deal of my energy and I wound up resenting people I was dating for making me do their emotional labor. I’ve since stopped dating people brand new to polyamory and as far as mental illness and social justice go, I have a big list of links and resources I send to new partners and if they read and parse that info and still have questions, we move forward and I answer questions.

On a bigger scale, my discussion groups center around intersectionality and ethics, so for those I’m not dating, I invest time and energy in helping folx new to polyamory find resources and adjust.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

When I first have a sex conversation with a new partner, we discuss our barrier habits, personal health and the associated risks.

A hard-line boundary for me is that I don’t tell other partners what to do with their bodies. It’s up to them if they use barriers with other people. It’s up to them to update me with any info relevant to my sexual health. It’s up to them to maintain their partners’ private details when relaying that information to me. It’s up to me if I want to use barriers with them or not after there is an update to our shared sexual health. It’s up to me to use the information provided by other partners to maintain my own sexual health. It’s up to me to ensure all my partners are kept safer and risk aware based on my experiences. I must protect their privacy when relaying info to others.

7. What is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

My worst mistake was getting involved with people before checking in with their other partners. I’ve been in a slew of situations where partners were cheating, unbeknownst to me, and I somehow became an accessory without consent. I now immediately say no to don’t ask, don’t tell dynamics, and ask new people I’m dating who aren’t linked to my larger group for permission to say hello to their other partners. That can be a one-off email. I’m aware that there are many folx for whom metamours are a triggering subject, so as much as I try to accommodate that, I also need the confirmation that I’m engaging with someone who is also in an open, consensual relationship.

8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?

I am a queer, white, cisgender, demisexual, demiromantic, polyamorous person who happens to be borderline.

Being white and cis forces me to address my privilege from every angle, if I am to treat my partners with dignity and equity. I attempt to use these privileges to lift and center those I hold privilege over. That means in my capacity as a community leader, I make events as accessible as possible and I don’t often engage with the media, but instead, pass the chance along to other folx who aren’t represented. I also seek out others who understand intersectionality because of this constant examination.

I was raised in the queer community by my two moms, so it’s been an inherent part of my life since I was a child. I’ve identified as not straight since I was 8 and have been reclaiming the word queer since I was a teenager. Being queer and polyamorous has made me more attuned to gender diversity across the spectrum, and I have no preference when it comes to my partners’ genders. I won’t tell you that the queer community here in NYC is particularly keen on polyamory. Many still live in a mono-centric mindset. My approach is to validate monogamy along with polyamory as two different but viable lives.

I am borderline. When I begin dating someone new, I have a big list of links I send them about BPD. I am upfront about what it entails, how I will receive information, what to do if I’m having an episode, and what accommodations I need. I’ve been diagnosed for 20 years, and I have had most mental health professionals allude to my polyamory as a symptom of my BPD. I’ve learned to navigate mental illness with a lot of self-awareness and armed with links. I can’t say this enough- do not read about BPD on the internet. It’s incredibly stigmatized. If you have a partner with mental illness, ask them for resources first.

Being demisexual and demiromantic in a word filled with compulsory sexuality is hard enough with one partner, but add more and it gets exponentially more complicated. I must be wary of folx who try to assess my level of connection with them based on my physical interaction with them. Some people erase me and tell me I just haven’t’ found the right connections yet. Others don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritize sex or romance. Learning how to communicate what these identities mean to me is something I’m still tweaking. It makes my dating pool smaller, but that’s ok.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)

I’ve been an admin of this Polyamory Facebook group for a few years. We center marginalized folx and teach social justice 101 and discuss polyamory within a framework of intersectionality.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2372502430/

I also run Open Love NY, our educational and social group that advocates for ethical non-monogamy in NYC. We have over 5,000 members. Check us out at: www.openloveny.com

I am one of the hosts of Poly Cocktails, which is an international polyamory/ethical non-monogamy monthly gathering.

I also belong to the Poly Leadership Network. First rule of PLN is… kidding!

Submissions will be posted once a week in the order of which they are received. Poly Role Models reserves the right to alter the frequency of these postings.

Thank you!

—

Support Inclusive Polyamorous Representation at https://www.patreon.com/PolyRoleModels

#polyamory #queer #demisexual #borderline personality disorder #demiromantic #newyork #intersectionality

25 notes · View notes