#progesterone testing starts wednesday!!!

[intriga-hounds]

between going back to work and ponzu babies i already can’t sleep, but the dogs all conspired to get me up at different times to potty even though they’ve been fine thru the night most of this past week. 😭

[theivfdiaries]

10w6d

So normally I wake up every 2-3 hours in the middle of the night to pee, but somehow I slept 6 straight hours last night and when I woke up I had the most horrendous pain in my stomach and I was in a panic and seriously so close to waking my husband up and telling him we had to go to the emergency room because something was wrong with the baby. But then after I peed it basically went away, so I’m pretty sure it was just pressure on my bladder/gas pains. But it was honestly so traumatizing I’m still a little shaken up by it.

I got my progesterone levels back yesterday (I did the test at 10w3d, after my last day of injections was at 10 weeks) and the level was 27. I somehow convinced myself that they needed to be at least 40 for me to feel good about it, so of course this made me more anxious even though my midwife was thrilled because it just needs to be over 15. But I’m still so scared that it’s on its way down now that I’m off the meds, and I’m really tempted to call today and ask for another blood draw to ease my anxiety, but the other part of me knows that’s overkill and that it’ll probably actually make me more anxious. I think it’s especially bad today because this is the number of days after stopping progesterone that it took me to start bleeding when I had my miscarriage. Like it was the same thing where my last day of injections was a Wednesday, and then I started bleeding on Tuesday. Today is Tuesday. So basically based on that, we know that my body can go this number of days without progesterone before it bleeds, but after today who knows. I keep telling myself I’ll feel a lot better tomorrow if I don’t bleed today, but I always have these arbitrary “deadlines” of “when I’ll feel better,” yet I never do.

On a more positive note, my mom and I were looking at the ultrasound picture again the other day and I was commenting on how giant this baby’s feet are, and my mom remarked that apparently I had giant feet as a baby as well, and it like suddenly “occurred” to me that I’m this child’s mother. Of course I know I’m his mother but I think I’ve been so focused on the aspect that “this is my baby” that I’ve been less focused on the fact that I’m actually his mom? If that makes any sense? Like this child is 50% my genetic material. He’s probably going to look like me. He’s going to have my features. He has big feet because I had big feet. It’s just wild to me that not only am I creating a person, but I’m creating a person who is actually genetically mine. I just love him so much already and I can’t wait to meet him.

2 days ago also (at 10w4d) my mom actually remarked that she could see a little bump forming. It made me so happy.

[healendometriosisnaturallyuk]

#131 Natural Progesterone Truths with Dr Tony Coope

Wendy K Laidlaw welcomes back Dr Tony Coope (MD) from the UK to the Podcast where they discuss the truths and safety of natural bio-identical progesterone cream. 

“With endometriosis it’s not just about adding Progesterone. Without addressing the emotional and spiritual elements of your life, you cannot heal. That’s the conclusion I have come too”.  Dr Tony Coope

There is often a significant amount of misinformation, misunderstanding and confusion amongst many women, including the mainstream medical realm, about the use and supplementation of natural bio-identical progesterone cream. 

Natural bio-identical progesterone cream is a safe way to naturally increase levels of the hormone progesterone (if it is low, or there is none showing up in tests).

However, natural bio-identical progesterone is often mistaken for the chemical alternative called Progestins, which are produced by the big pharmaceutical companies and may cause severe side effects for women with endometriosis. 

Dr Tony Coope has a wide breadth of experience and wealth of knowledge covering various health conditions spanning over 40+ years. He has trained and served in general practice, as well as a hospital doctor, covering the specialities of medicine, surgery, paediatrics, geriatrics and emergency/trauma medicine. 

After leaving general practice he explored an Integrated Medical approach to healing naturally including the use of nutritional supplements, bio-identical hormones, botanicals, as well as complex homeopathy and the use of sound and monochromatic light in healing.

He has specialised for over 20 years in female hormone health, incorporating psychology and psychosomatic elements of complementary medicine to assist a full brain/body health and healing.

Dr Tony Coope’s journey enabled him to branch further into spiritual matters, philosophy and metaphysics, which he believes expands an individual’s sense of meaning and purpose in the world, thereby leading to full health, wholeness and fulfilment.

*Please note* - it is recommended to address the emotional and spiritual elements of yourself, relationships and past events, first, (and The 5 P’s; Poisons, Produce, Products, Property, People & Past), prior to introducing any natural bio-identical progesterone cream. 

Sign up for the NEW & interactive live 21 Day Challenge with Wendy called ‘UnBlock Your Emotional Blocks’ starts Wednesday 10th August 2022. 

To learn more go to Unblock_Emotional_Blocks_21_day_challenge

  #UnBlockEmotionalBlocksChallenge  #endometriosisawareness #endo #theendolifestyle #endometriosisawarenessmonth #endoeducation #endosupport #endofacts #endometriosisnaturally #endometriosisnaturallycookbook #cookbook #adenomyosis #healendometriosisnaturally #wendyklaidlaw #healendometriosisnaturallycookbook #Adenomyosis #EndometriosisNaturallyCookbook #EndoBoss #WendyKLaidlaw #PodcastsOnAmazonMusic @AmazonMusicUK

  Check out this episode!

[makingbabyglowworm]

I have a confession

4 August 2018

On 1 May 2017 I underwent a Frozen Embryo Transfer. We had just passed the 6 month mark of losing Eli, and had returned from our trip to New Zealand. The trip, you might recall, was a great way for Hubs and I to reset and reconnect. Disappearing from our everyday life was one of the best things we could have done.

And then we came back.

Before we went on holidays we had been in touch with our fertility clinic, and had decided we were ready to try for a sibling for Eli. So, we underwent a transfer - one of four frosties we had waiting from our egg collection back in early 2016. It was in the midst of a particularly busy month. I was a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding, my brother was getting married so I was asked to cater for my soon to be sister in law’s hen’s party and I was also asked to make their wedding cake with only a week notice.

We found out a week and a half after the transfer that it had failed.

I remember sitting in our bathroom sobbing. I couldn’t figure out how the transfer hadn’t worked. I then proceeded to eat an entire wheel of soft cheese and drink half a bottle of red wine. On a school night. And then dealt with a hangover at work the next day.

We decided to try again and amongst the frantic wedding cake making & my brother’s wedding we went into the clinic almost daily, managing to keep it a secret from our family and friends. Our transfer was set for the next weekend, and as luck would have it I picked up a throat infection the day before our transfer.

I received a call from the embryologist on the Friday afternoon. Of the three frosties left, one didn’t survive the thaw. My heart sank. A second embryo, our second last, was defrosted leaving us with one frozen embryo for the future.

We transferred the next day, & then I went straight to my doctor who prescribed me some antibiotics to fight my now well colonised throat infection. I ended up off work sick for the whole week which saw me watching lots of Great British Bake Off, taking lots of naps and drinking lots of hot lemon drinks. I started spotting a week after transfer and decided to take a pregnancy test. The hubs had already left for a run that morning, and so I peed on the test, left it on the counter and prepared my breakfast. I went back to the bathroom and looked at the test.

Two pink lines. Could it really be?! Was I pregnant?! And did the spotting mean I was losing the baby?

I called the Hubs and the words came tumbling out. “I’ve done a pregnancy test and there’s two lines on it...”. He laughed and told me the human body was an amazing thing. I called the clinic who asked me to come in the next day for an early beta blood test. I obliged.

The clinic called me later in the day with strong beta and strong progesterone levels. We were pregnant again.

I’d like to say we sailed through the pregnancy and everything was fine, but it was the most anxious, stressful time for me. We kept the news to ourselves for as long as possible, only sharing it with family once we couldn’t hide my growing bump any longer (at 15 weeks), and then usually shared with friends once we saw them face to face. There were no happy announcements on social media. I even still have some friends who we haven’t seen so they don’t know. We saw the same obstetrician we had for Eli and went to the same specialist - the one who had helped us decipher his post-mortem, genetic and chromosomal testing. We waited in the same waiting rooms, alongside pregnant women who were blissfully unaware that in some alternate reality there was a chance they could leave hospital without their baby. Of course, that would probably never happen to them. What happened to us was one in 100,000. Literally. And by the third trimester I was measuring small from the outside, so we were sent for specialist scans several times to check the baby was growing ok. So it was fair to say we were pretty anxious to welcome our babe into the world. By the end of the third trimester we were so anxious to have our baby safely in our arms that we had scheduled an induction. Our baby had other ideas.

At 4:36pm on Wednesday 14 February 2018 our second son, Oskar Felix Glowacki, was placed pink and screaming onto my chest. He’s one of 5% of babies born on their due date - and he was born on Valentine’s Day. The perfect day for this much loved and much waited for baby to join our family; now a family of four.

It’s an incredible story, and I’ll elaborate on welcoming Oskar into the world and our life with an almost 6 month old in a later post... but you’ve made it to the end of a very long post. One which, for some reason, I found it very difficult to write, and difficult to share. Is it guilt of some sort? I’m not sure. The feelings I am experiencing are very conflicted, but my heart is full of love for both of my boys, my heart stretched between heaven and earth.

[surrojourney-2022]

Heartbeat Confirmation 🙌🏻

Last week we got the great news my hCG levels were over 32,000 which was the max of the range for 6 weeks pregnant. Not much happened over the week-thankfully we have blood tests to confirm each week things are moving in a positive direction because my body is barely confirming it(which is a good thing!).

I was very nervous waking up this morning knowing we had our first ultrasound today to confirm heartbeat. Other surrogates on this journey have walked into this appointment convinced based on their bloodwork that there would be good news, only to find an empty sac (blighted ovum in technical terms). Nothing like added stress knowing the IFs were joining me at this appointment.

Thankfully, I didn’t know what to expect today with the IFs in the room for the ultrasound because nothing would have prepared me to walk out with a paper sheet covering my bottom half with two semi strangers watching me hop into stirrups to get an internal ultrasound done. Thankfully they were fully entranced by the screen that showed amazing news!! We could see the baby’s heartbeat fluttering (only if I held my breath). The heartbeat was measuring 153 bpm which is such a great sign! We walked out of there smiling and celebrating this major milestone.

As I started writing this blog post, I got a call my from the nurse with news from my ultrasound, baby looked great as we heard during our trip to the clinic. However, they found a subchrionic hematoma(SCH), a bruise on my uterus from the embryo transfer. They confirmed it was very small but still need to keep exercise to a minimum so I won’t bleed.

We are continuously hitting milestones and this one is huge-we graduate from the IVF clinic for future observation and will be visiting my OB moving forward. I will still be under the care of the clinic for medicine protocol but everything else will be monitored by my OB.

Next steps:

Stop taking estrogen pills after tonight

Nurse appt with OB tomorrow

Virtual zoom with IVF clinic to talk next steps on Wednesday

4/18 stop progesterone shot and do blood work 4/19 to see how progesterone levels maintained without injection

Wait for instructions from clinic based on bloodwork results 4/19

For the frequently asked question of: Have you told your kids yet?

A: No, most of our friends, family, and work know about our journey, but we have not told our kids yet. We don’t want something to go wrong this late in the process within the first trimester and have them be emotionally impacted by it. We will wait as long as I can hide it within the first trimester. It’s been very hard finding excuses not going on the trampoline with them. Thankfully I’m also not showing yet, which gives us a little time as well.

[ttc-pcos-tx]

CD 18, 2DPO

Blood test after 10 days of progesterone is on Wednesday. I started my period like 3 days into the progesterone so we will see what happens. Also according to my tracker I ovulated 2 days ago. Maybe with the progesterone this cycle could turn into something? I don't know. I'm not 100% sure how it all works.

[barelynakedthoughts]

The past few days have been filled. On Wednesday, we went and did our blood work to see how the hCG levels were increasing. We more than tripled! Went from 536 to 1822 mIU/mL. It all but screamed "you're pregnant!" I wasnt that excited when I heard, though. Well I was, but I had this terrible pain in my lower right abdomen, pelvis and groin. My little ovaries were tender to touch, too. So my celebration was quiet and my worry was loud.

I had sent a message to my doctor on Tuesday asking whether that pain was normal or not, and the nurse's response was it should be fine. Her only catch was that if it didn't go away, we should get back to them as soon as possible.

Well it didn't go away. In fact, it got quite worse over the next day and into the next morning. This whole week I've been waking up anywhere from 430-6a, which is way earlier than normal, because I've been in pain or because I'm worrying too much. On Thursday, I messaged them again and said the pain was continual. They called me very early in the morning to schedule more bloodwork to test for hCG levels as well as an ultrasound. They wanted me in that day. So I immediately called my boss and said, "I need to go to the doctor now." My boss has been understanding of this process and she's the only one in the office who really knows what my husband and I have been doing for two years.

At 1030a, I got my third prick in my arm and stood by to find out when my ultrasound would be. Then at 11, my husband and I went back for my third ultrasound in a month. I got changed nervously and with worry on my mind. My side was still hurting and then I laid down, constipation and all. She searched for a bit but I couldnt see anything. My husband was looking, though, and I saw his eyes get inquisitive. It was soon my turn to see. She moved the screen to face me and there they were...there was our little poppyseed in my uterus. Not in my tubes. Not in the wrong spot.

I'm not having an ectopic pregnancy!

So then I wondered why my stomach was still hurting - possible onset of a miscarriage? I havent been bleeding so why am I in so much pan? The technician panned over to my ovary and there was black hole on the screen. Apparently, I have a 29 mm cyst. It's great...super painful, super large. Just my luck! Yet honestly, it's the best news I've had in a while. This is the best option of some pretty rough ones. So I'll deal with the pain!

The technician went back to the poppyseed that she labeled as a sac and I cried. I don't cry in front of people very often and I've been pretty coy with the doctors. In that moment, relief is all I felt. It was a load off my shoulders and my heart was filled with joy. Over the past few days, my smile came back. For two years, I sobbed over the imaginary empty rooms in our future home that might not ever be filled because we couldn't get pregnant. Sure we want to adopt anyways, but infertility really does a number on your brain. So on Thursday, I found myself answering "yes" to getting a picture of our small sac cluster sitting in my uterus.

When we left the doctor's office, I drove us straight to my mom's work and I told her. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore, especially from my mom who I tell everything to. She jumped, she smiled. We talked for a while and I shed a few tears. I've waited for that moment for a long time...and it finally happened. Later in the evening, I went and told my dad at home so my mom didn't have to keep a secret for long. No one else knows and that's how we're keeping it for a while. Just in case something goes wrong, I want my parents there for support because it would be hard to handle that on our own. We will tell everyone else soon gradually. Just need a bit more confirmation.

I still fear miscarriage but I'm telling myself to trust in God. To hold tight to His plan and His care. If we're holding a little one in our arms in May, it is not because of anything we do. We can eat all the right foods and take all the precautions, but things could still go wrong. So instead of always focusing on the bad, I'm trying to embrace being pregnant. I'm going to worry and I'm going to get upset. It's only natural! So for now, I remain thankful for this pregnancy and hopeful. I even made little crocheted booties!

This past week, besides the abdominal pain, I've been exhausted, constipated and bloated. My breasts don't feel as tender as they did last week and I'm not really nauseated at all, just an upset stomach here and there. Though my face has been reddening -looking flushed and feeling warm. I think I'm getting used to the progesterone pills, which I have to take for a few more months, and with implantation being done, I'm now just waiting to see what kind of symptoms this pregnancy will bring. I'm excited to experience all of this because we've waited for so long...and we might not get another chance.

Anyways, our little poppyseed blossomed into a peppercorn today!

We're going shopping tomorrow to get food to help my body support this child better. Next Thursday, we going back for another ultrasound to see if both the yolk sac and gestational sac can be seen. Hopefully! Seeing both of those things should be a sign of a positively progressing pregnancy. Of course, we'll get another picture I hope. Then when we get to the 8 week ultrasound, we'll go in for our final appointment with the fertility specialist. The week after the 8 week ultrasound, we go see our OBGYN and start our regularly appointments with her. Who knows what will happen after that, but we'll see! As long as our little peppercorn is still growing healthily, then the three of us will be content.

[ladywithoutababy]

IVF Transfer #1: 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant

Ok, LOTS going on over here and it’s been a little while so I’ll try to capture everything that’s been happening.

The last couple weeks have been... eventful. Last Monday I woke up with a UTI (apparently very common in pregnancy, and even more common if you’re taking progesterone because it makes you more sensitive) and had a harrowing time getting a prescription for antibiotics because of the pregnancy. I ended up having to go into an urgent care, where I peed about 10,000 times while I waited for an excruciating two hours, and then they ended up prescribing antibiotics before the urine analysis was done anyway, and then they never even called me to tell me what the results were, so whatever. I took the antibiotics for a week and everything is fine now, although I spent the whole week paranoid that the antibiotics would ruin everything (even though, fun fact, there IS a pregnancy-safe antibiotic for just this purpose! Macrobid, aka Nitrofurantoin).

I’ll spare you the details on this next part, but I feel like I have to at least mention it because this whole blog exists to help other women going through it know what to expect: the suppositories are really becoming the bane of my existence. They’re not that bad to put in, but the um... how do I say this without you never wanting to look at my blog again... let’s just say they weren’t kidding when they said there might be some unpleasant discharge. There was one moment in particular where it was so... um... graphic, and unexpected, and gross, that I became briefly convinced I’d had a miscarriage. I summed it up to my husband (who did NOT want to hear about it, but that’s marriage for you) as body horror. (By the way, side note, I keep thinking about how unfair and ridiculous it is that miscarriages are never portrayed in TV shows and movies, given how common they are. I loved that Fleabag showed someone having one, and acknowledged her experience and her pain. We need more of this representation. It’s not healthy for women to have the impression that the moment you miss your period you are definitely going to have a baby in 9 months. Anyway.)

And THEN, this past Monday, of course, I woke up with a bunch of Coronavirus symptoms. Shortness of breath, dry cough, fever, body aches, chills, headache. I called my doctor, who was very clear that unless I could get a negative covid test result, I could not come into the office for my planned ultrasound (which was scheduled for today, Wednesday). Luckily, NYU is doing extremely efficient covid testing, and I was able to schedule a test for Tues morning with same day (!) results. The covid test (it’s the PCR swab thing) is as uncomfortable as they say it is – they stick it in basically to your brain and it burns and feels extremely unnatural – but it’s at least quick. They told me I’d have results by 3-4 in the afternoon, which of course didn’t happen, and by 5 or 6 my husband was raging. I think we were both losing our mind at the possibility of not being able to go into the doctor and get some information after 2 weeks of nothing. LUCKILY, we heard from them around 7, and there was no covid detected, so I was cleared to go in.

Ok here’s the good part.

This morning we went in for our first-ever ultrasound (well, I went in, and I facetimed my husband in from the car). I had absolutely 100% worked myself up to being convinced that it was going to be bad news. Here’s the thing: when you go 2 weeks without any new information, and when you don’t have any obvious symptoms, and when you have a history of fertility problems, it starts to feel literally impossible that you could be pregnant. My mind starts going to all these conspiracy theories: They confused my blood results with someone else’s. It’s a scam so people will keep going to this clinic. There’s no way a baby could survive the 100.3° fever I had. I’m not eating enough vegetables. If you’re not feeling nauseous it’s probably a sign that you already had a miscarriage. Etc etc etc. It starts to feel more plausible that you are cursed and that the universe is doing everything it can to prevent you from having a baby. It’s horrible. I started crying in the car this morning on the way to the doctor’s office because I was pretty sure it was going to be bad, but also because even if it’s good news, THAT SHIT WON’T LAST. 24 hours later I’ll be back to doubting everything, and I’ll have to wait another who-knows-how-many-weeks to get reassured again. It’s just too much to worry about all the time.

But I managed to stop crying, and I made it to my ultrasound. Aaaaaand somehow, miraculously, um, everything is good! The doctor said it all looks “perfect.” AND WE GOT TO HEAR A HEARTBEAT! She also confirmed that we’re 6 weeks, 4 days along, and that our due date (!) is March 11. (Yes, my husband is already in trouble for all the 311 references he’s making.) Here’s what this thing looks like:

Even though all we saw was this weird little blob, hearing a heartbeat definitely made the whole thing feel more real. I’m going to try really hard going forward to just try to embrace the situation and assume everything is fine unless I hear otherwise. One thing that’ll help with this: we’re graduating from the fertility clinic to a regular OB! It also helped that my doctor said that at this point (now that we’ve done genetic testing AND we can hear a heartbeat), there’s a very small (less than 10% chance) of miscarriage. So I think we can proceed with cautious optimism.

We also get to start tapering off all the medications soon, THANK GOD. We only have to do injections for another week, I start reducing the pills and suppositories a week after that, and then finish everything a week after that. So I think by mid-August we’ll be all done, which feels real good. I can’t even remember how long we’ve been doing this for, and don’t really want to know. Look forward, not back!

We’re very happy, and very emotionally exhausted. I hope the relief can last us until our next doctor’s appointment. 

[illustratedjai]

I have just gotten in from a GP appointment; I now have a prescription for Cerelle for a month, to see how progesterone interacts with my mood swings and to see if stopping my cycle stops or eases my mood swings, and also because stopping my cycle is something I want/need to do anyway. If progesterone doesn’t work, we’re going to explore other options for both, and I’ve got blood tests next Wednesday to start on the process to get on the GIC waiting lists.  I have started The Thing. I’m terrified that changing any one small thing about my current existence is going to just completely knock over this very carefully balanced tower of blocks, but in order to build a more stable tower, something is going to have to be changed, and I am now in a stable job, in a stable house, in a stable relationship - I’m not in university, I have my residency for the next three years or so, I’m on track to get permanent residency... my health is the next thing that needs working on. 

But also The Communists Have Taken Over as of today, so I feel like I’m going to cry on top of being incredibly scattered because of the discomfort and pain, so thought processes are a bit... not at the moment, so. Yeah. 

Here’s hoping this is the start of good things for Jai.

[mylifeisachronicmess]

Finally Getting Somewhere!!

So I finally have an idea of what is going on with my body and why in the crap i feel so awful 95% of the time. Despite me being able to hide it and put on a show most of the time (because everything has gradually gotten worse and i have been able to adapt over time), i feel like i have been hit with a truck almost every day. I honestly, could handle this if i had an answer. Even if i knew this was going to be my life forever, i would be able to figure it out without giving up and letting my fatigue take over. I am aware that this is not a possibility for everyone, but i would be able to accept this and do my best for now. I don’t know what the future may hold if this is going to be my forever, but for right now, i refuse to give up. However, i may finally get some answers soon!

I had my first set of hormone labs done on the 25th of may He ordered a prolactin, testoserone, progesterone, and a TSH to be done on day 21 of my cycle. I got the results back the next day. My Prolactin came back at 48.3. It should be around 24 in a healthy normal child bearing age female. My testoserone came back on the lower end of normal but okay, the TSH jumped from 1.7 to 4.2 in less than a month (so that could be a problem, despite it still being within normal), and my progesterone came back at 9. On day 21 it should be at least 15 if you ovulated, however it wasn’t the most concerning lab result, as it was still within normal as well. So basically everything came back on the low end of normal or high.

I was hoping to hear from his office regarding the labs on Friday, but i didn’t. I am able to see my labs online without hearing from the office, which is how i knew the results. I waited through the weekend and nobody was in on Monday due to it being Memorial day here in the States. I patiently waited until Tuesday to call his office for a couple reasons. I had started my period early and i needed to have the next set of labs ordered for day 3 of my cycle and i also wanted to hear about my labs. Much to my dismay, he is out of the office on Tuesdays. I would have to wait until Wednesday to have the labs drawn (which was going to be day 3) and i still wouldn’t hear anything about results until Wednesday either. However, i did receive a call from the radiology department at my hospital. Apparently, they had received an order for a Brain MRI with and without contrast to look for possible pituitary tumors. They didn’t say why this had been ordered, but i had done my own research and figured it was to look for a prolactin producing tumor to see if that is why my level was double what it should be. I scheduled the scan to be done on June 1st at 1 PM. This was the earliest i could have it done and it worked out perfectly actually. 

Wednesday finally came and i was able to get a hold of his office. The MA informed me that there were a couple notes on my chart. One talked about possibly needed some thyroid medication while trying to conceive in the future since mine is out of optimal range. The second note was about the high prolactin level. She told me that i would need to have an MRI to look for the tumor and i told her this was already scheduled. I informed her that i needed to have the next set of labs ordered and that i also have a history of pituitary insufficiency (growth hormone) that i had forgotten to mention to him in my appointment. She was surprised by this and i believe she told him as soon as we hung up. She ordered the labs so i could have them done on time. This time they were testing an estrogen (estradiol) level, and a the FSH level. 

I got the labs done on wednesday and the MRI done on thursday. The MRI was interesting. I had it done my someone i know well since we work in the same hospital and he has done previous scans on me regarding my back. He was really nice. He got my IV in one stick and i was so tired from working the night before that i think i just slept through the scan. It was with and without contrast and i do remember the contrast making me feel a little weird but other than that it was a nice little nap. 

I was at work on friday and i got a call from my dr’s office asking me to call them back to discuss my lab and MRI results. I was able to quickly walk away and return the call. The MA told me that the FSH came back normal but my Estrogen came back really low, mine is less than 25 and in someone my age it should be at least 40-500 (depending on what part of the cycle you are in). Anything less than 40 is considered to be menopausal levels, this was shocking and upsetting. I am 22 years old why the heck are my estrogen levels low enough for me to be in menopause. She said that low estrogen and high prolactin can go hand in hand so it isn’t that surprising. Maybe not to her, but it was quite shocking to me. She then went on to discuss my MRI results. I didn’t have an obvious tumor show up, but the pituitary gland is somewhat enlarged. It is still within normal limits, but it is definitely larger than it should be for someone my age, not pregnant, and healthy. She told me that considering all of this and taking my history into consideration he wants me to see an endocrinologist. This didn’t surprise me. I have honestly been wondering if i should see one for a while now. 

I am very grateful that i am finally heading in the right direction. I am extremely grateful for my Gynecologist who spent 30 minutes with me and has done so much more to help me than my primary care has done in 5+ visits in 2 years. I am so frustrated with him right now as all of my issues could have already been taken care of and under treatment if he would have just listened. I am trying to be patient and understanding. But this is above and beyond my level of giving people the benefit of the doubt. He was so quick to say it was depression, up my meds, put me in therapy and call it a day. Don’t get me wrong, i do think those helped the depression part, but clearly there is more to the story. I am so grateful and appreciative of this dr who seems to really care and want what is best for me despite it being confusing and possibly frustrating for him, i think he realizes it is even worse for me. His office sent out referrals to endocrinologists in the area, we don’t have any in my town, i will have to travel a little ways to find one. I should hear back this next week and get an appointment scheduled. 

It is so refreshing to know that there is something more to this. I am not just lazy, i am not just depressed. There is something physiologically wrong and i am truly hoping for answers. I think this is the right direction, i am excited to finally be believed and listened to. I love my new dr. He has done so much for me and he has only seen me once. It is definitely refreshing. I was supposed to follow up with my primary care based on my lab results back in April and i haven’t made that appointment yet. I don’t know what to say. I have a feeling he doesn’t feel the need to see me for a year based on those results. But, based on recent evens i am hoping his mind would be changed. Anyway, i am exhausted and i am going to bed. I am glad i finally have a direction though. 

[morcellement]

What next...

C17CD14

Last week I talked to my ob/gyn how we proceed. It’s (no suprise) clomid. I thought about going to a special fertility clinic to do that, but it would be just too stressful. I can only go to control sonogramms on wednesdays and fridays (the other days of the week I work in my clinic till 6:30 p.m.). That’s going to be complicated enough - even without the 80km drive to a special clinic. So we decided to do it with my ob/gyn. We’re going to start the first clomid cycle in july, the months before my hubby is every other week away for work.

In the last 1,5 weeks I had three consultations with women who want an abortion. I’m not against abortion and I could understand each of those women - but still it preys on my mind. But I hope in the next weeks there will be no more such consulations (it’s a classic in medcin - three similar cases all at once and then for a long time no such case).

The good thing: my LH-tests was positive today - I’ll ovulate in the next two days (that’s quite early for me). Going to take progesteron for the luteal phase again (if it doesn’t help getting pregnant, it’ll at least help to manage my cycles, so that the first round of clomid starts as planned).

13th of May 2017

[willowtree93]

I’m writing this blog at 29weeks + 2 days (when did the plus stuff start happening) The reason I’m writing it now and not waiting till the end or doing a week by week update is because I didn’t think I would be picking this blog thing up again and to didn’t want to write it when too angry/sick or in the bubble happy, wanted to do it with a more equal head but still pregnant.

So my partner and I got married in 2017 had been together for almost 3 years before but had dated in High School, before we got married we had lived together for over a year and talked about future life stuff, kids (how many, how we would punish), house cleaning, money etc. Which is how I think worked so well for us.

Once we were married we had the talk about when would be a good time to start trying and what we are willing to do to have kids. Once we had gotten used to being married, which honestly didn’t take long for us at all and into our new routine (had moved house just before the wedding) we sat down again and decided that we could start.

It was a slow start, to begin with as we had many social engagements around this time too so I still had the occasional drink and food that one shouldn’t. As I started to feel a little defeated that we hadn’t yet, we got a bit more aggressive, by taking a prenatal tablet, no drinking alcohol. 2 months or so doing this a pee test said we were pregnant, booked an appointment with my GP had the blood test and just waited for the results.

Our GP rang while I was on my dinner break at work and told me the good news we were and further along than we had thought which was fine by us, 2 weeks had past and with our first scan found out the even more exciting news we were having two! Once the shock had worn off and a few more weeks had passed we told our parents and closest friends.

During this time it was hard to keep it to our selves as I was suffering bad “morning sickness” an I like to say poorly named as it doesn’t just happen in the morning. It was keeping me from work and social events, certain foods would set it off, which made it hard to eat out even with just my partner. Learning about the foods I couldn’t eat and the ones I should be eating more of was interesting.

By around W10 I had enough wasn’t able to keep much down and was tired of not being able to do anything, so went to see the doctor explained what was happening and got put on an anti-nausea tablet that was safe for the babies and me, that once I started to feel nauseated I should take it. These did help but did not stop it completely or really change how much energy I was using for small tasks.

W15-16 I started to feel the first little movements inside me felt like butterflies we had our next scan and saw there cute little faces and bellies at this point and started looking at furniture for the nursery and clothes of course but only neutral ones as we didn’t know at this point. Still feeling nauseated and very sleepy, food cravings only happened when I smelt something really good an had to HAVE it! mood swings not too crazy at this point but noticeable.

W18-20 I would say was when I started to feel better about being pregnant even thou my partner was away for 2 weeks but I stayed with my parents a few nights a week just so I’d eat good food and have company (parents are lifesavers). Started to get me into a good routine of what to eat and to pack snacks when planning to go out, enjoying my growing bump and feeling more deeper kicks.

W23-25 Was the biggest up and then down of this pregnancy I’ve had so far. The first part was our going to be second the last trip away before the kids (driving of course) to go see a fav comedian of my Husbands who I enjoy also but the next trip we had planned was more for me. Got a nice hotel in the Darling harbor (Sydney) walking distance to the theater and Pitt St shops, We spent the weekend relaxing by the water, shopping along for Christmas presents and eating yummy food. The show was incredible and had the best time.

Driving back was fine we had water a food rest stops. The next day we had our 24 week scan and was sent to hospital with a possible shorten cervix, 3 days in hospital in information overload about what could happen and decisions that we should start talking about and organizing a plan, so to me it was goodbye happy “glow” and back to being paranoid about everything I was doing and taking into my body (food, drink, medication). The midwives who came around to do our checks were amazing and friendly always ready to answer questions or find out for us, it was nice to hear their little heartbeats every 4-6 hours.

On the 3rd day our case had been moved to twins specialist and we saw the doctor about 8am ish, with her asking questions, how I was feeling, are they still moving, has the NICO Dr been, what tests have they done (which were 0 till this amazing Dr saw us) after 10 minutes or saw after she had left I was getting my first test and during that another person was coming to get me for the next one, we felt so happy to finally getting some test done. 1 hour or so later the twins Dr came back into our room and said we’ve got fantastic news, my cervix was short but no other symptoms of labor were happening or were going to happen in the next few weeks. So the next discussion was about the plan and home life.

W26-29  Now from hearing the news and being told our little ones could be too early to then hearing the news they’ve got a few more weeks of cooking you can say the next week I was sleepy and restless about every movement, feeling and thought. We had moved in with my parents due to our house having stairs and only a toilet on the ground floor, So for the next few weeks were with my parents which is fine but after having a scare I wanted to start getting their room ready and pack our hospital bags but couldn’t as stairs.

Had my GT before Christmas and then we had Christmas with both sides of the family in a relaxing way, then got back an had a nap. The next week seeing the Twin Dr getting the next list of things to do Injections for me and the family, and when my next appointment should be. Next appointment was told my GT failed by one so I’ve started taking my levels every meal time, low iron so taking a supplement for that and my hormone pessary Progesterone till 34 weeks (as that’s the safest time for twins me to do whatever they want).

Back home now @29 weeks only doing the stairs once a day and the nursery is pretty much done! Feeling mentally a lot better and ready for what comes. Enjoying all the kicks and big new movement feelings (sometimes still scare me when lower down) however reminding myself that it’s technically safe for them now and they are doing perfectly well so says every growth scan to date.

W31-34

Everything going well with myself and the twins, started the hospital birthing classes. During the week of 32 and 33, I started to have headaches, dizziness, and some pains in my lower area but I had a check up on Wednesday so I wasn’t worried.

On Wednesday we went into the midwife appointment, had the regular questions explained how I was feeling she wasn’t overly worried, then came the blood pressure and I was way over 180/100 so we got moved to maternity emergency to be given some medication, have bloods and urine sample taken and checked.

After 2 hours my blood pressure was still high and was admitted to antenatal to have a closer eye on me and the bubs, CTG scan every morning, blood pressure every 3 hours, and medications to bring it down. On Friday I noticed I was getting cramp like feelings and told the midwives who kept an eye on it. We then got told that I had preeclampsia and the babies would be joining us Monday so I asked when do I get the steroid injections.

Saturdays CTG had to be repeated twice as they kept moving my pains started to read on the machine but didn’t get any worse we finally got a good scan so continued on with the day, Sunday was the same had to keep doing a scan because they would move then told the nurse the pains were back and getting a little worse each time, moved to birth suite to start the inducing. once on the bed we asked questions about what would happen and if we had any options during the process which we did and the midwife explained that i didn’t have to anything, unless 100% needed for the bubs.

As the doctor went to start the induction process she could see James head, I was already 4cm dialated now I don’t remeber much from the birth as I was in another place mentally doing exactly what my body, James was out had a quick cuddle then his team of doctors took him checked him and went up to NICU. Alices waters broke almost all over the doctor, she was breech, needed forcipes and to be cut which the doctor annouced before doing which i found odd like he was asking for permission but finally she was out and cried got checked by her team straight away. I remeber asking if i was done yet and was told no the placenta still has to come out and looking up at mum and asking her if i had to push that out an no it just kinda slides out in a painful way, then the midwife pushes on my belly to check if its all out and no clots.

I will say the most painful thing in my mind is the stiches even with numbing stuff! and and make sure you get a padsicle ! After a nice shower that my Mum and Aunty helped with as my partner went with the kids, he came back had a wheel chair and saw the kids and so very little and beautiful they were/are!

  Updates on them later on!

The main things I have learned during this time is listen to your body, always ask questions and you dont have to do anything without knowing all the info and trust yourself.

        The “glow” is a lie! I'm writing this blog at 29weeks + 2 days (when did the plus stuff start happening) The reason I'm writing it now and not waiting till the end or doing a week by week update is because I didn't think I would be picking this blog thing up again and to didn't want to write it when too angry/sick or in the bubble happy, wanted to do it with a more equal head but still pregnant.

[theivfdiaries]

7dpt - 3w5d

Today’s line progression was as beautiful as I had hoped! It’s not quite a “dye stealer” yet, but the test line is starting to be a smidge darker than the control and it’s making me so happy! This is the darkest test I’ve ever gotten (it didn’t get quite this dark with my first pregnancy) so that’s making me feel really good about it. I’ll be testing again on Wednesday morning before beta!

I had an acupuncture appointment today which was nice, so that should be helping with my headaches and nausea a bit. I also wanted him to help with my sleep issues, but those have actually been shockingly better than normal since transfer. I also started taking melatonin and some other sleep remedies around that same time so I’m not sure if it’s those or the pregnancy hormones (probably a combination) but I’m sleeping better than I have in months and it’s been great. I don’t want to say I’m sleeping “well,” because it’s still a bit difficult and a bit broken up, but it’s a vast improvement from what it’s been lately.

The other good news is my progesterone soreness is MUCH better. My husband has been massaging it relentlessly and using Arnica gel, and it’s made such a difference. I was concerned I wasn’t going to be able to tolerate this for another month, but as long as it stays like this I definitely can.

I’m really struggling to balance staying active and resting. I don’t want to be couch-bound, but when I’m up for too long I start cramping and I know that’s my body saying to take it easy. I really don’t want to push it too hard and risk losing him, but I know being a couch potato isn’t good either.

I just can’t wait until Wednesday and I am praying we get a strong beta somewhere in the 200-300s and then I can breathe a little easier. And then if Friday’s beta doubles, it’ll really be a huge relief.

[brittandthebabe]

TMI Baby Magic & More

I always come back here.  I guess it’s a space for me to write what I want and assume no one will read it.  However, if someone does, I hope it brings them joy or entertainment or something, ANYTHING, good.  I know it does for me.

So first, I’m obsessive.  I am riddled with anxiety.  And when I want something, I am NOT equipped to wait for it.  I VERY much want instant gratification.  To my own detriment.  And I’m saying this because my baby just turned 1 and now I can’t quit thinking about and WANTING to have more kids.  And my husband, poor thing, doesn’t realize that each time we have sex, my mind turns into a Potential Babyhood Playground.

I KNOW this happens with women who are trying to conceive and it would be normal if my husband and I had decided to TRY to conceive, but we’re not trying (but not NOT trying).  So sex is like a hopeful potential for me.  But it also makes me drive myself crazy and buy TONS of pregnancy tests.

And I did this SAME thing when I was trying to get pregnant with Ro and for MONTHS I would end up being SO DISAPPOINTED when I wasn’t.  And we aren’t having sex over and over during ovulation or anything.  Again… we’ll have sex once a week or so and if it IS in my fertile week, I immediately think, “I wonder if I am.  Oooo gosh!  I have a headache.   Maybe I’m pregnant!?!?!“  I’m joking about it right now, but honestly, when you’re in the thick of it and step out of that mindset for a moment, you realize that you’re torturing yourself.

Nevertheless… it’s happening now.  And my goal, to prevent this from happening in the future (regarding pregnancy), I’m documenting EVERYTHING.

So this page is going to end up being a HUGE section of TMI about my body, vaginal discharge, sex, baby things, etc. so that if I get pregnant in the future and get pregnant soon, I’ll be able to look back at this to soothe my mind (and act as WebMD to my symptoms) about whether I am in fact pregnant or not.  Because researching website after website day after day when you’re wishing and hoping is EXHAUSTING.  So I’d like to know if, for SURE, my symptoms are really mental or physical.

I remember with Ro that we had sex either the day before or the day of or after Mother’s Day 2017.  I want to say that I’m certain it was the day before.  Because J and I went to see my mom and we were watching Get Out and before we all got together I asked her, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” and her answer was, “A Grandbaby.”  She got that wish…. and 9 months later, Ro was born.

I also remember that I experienced implantation bleeding about a week before my period.  And it was very light pink/brown that didn’t require a liner, just a good wipe.  I also remember starting bleeding again around the time of my period (and continuing to bleed each day after that) and having to go to the doctor early to get on progesterone.  But low and behold, I WAS pregnant.  I KNEW the moment I had the spotting.  I knew that in that moment every previous month where I assumed I was pregnant that I wasn’t and that THIS was it.  It was startling and amazing.

So right now, 3/6/19, I’m in the cycle of wanting to get pregnant.  I’ve done the “I think I’m pregnant” for about 3 months now and I haven’t been.  So now I’m thinking I am this month (and feel certain, but obviously, could be wrong) because on ¾/19 & 3/5/19 I experienced light spotting.   Again, VERY light the first day with more-than-average discharge tinged pink.  Yesterday, my daughter threw the worst tantrum she’s ever thrown and I was STRESSED.  So I got to work and was walking around and had that sensation *down there* and went to the bathroom.  And there was TONS of discharged with lots of brownish coloring.  It happened only on these 2 bathroom visits and I didn’t and haven’t seen anything since.   So perhaps it’s spotting or perhaps it’s implantation bleeding.  Only time will tell.

I do want to put this out there.  The one source that I used that was accurate in terms of my previous pregnancy was the ovulation calendar by First Response.  It was also helpful that I had been tracking the days I started my period so that I could know how many days my cycle was, so there’s that.  But I remember as soon as I started WANTING to get pregnant again, that’s the website I used to “just look” at my ovulating days.

Now I’m sounding a little nuts. I didn’t research these days and then go, “Ooo, I’ll get J to have sex with me on these days.”  That was never my intention.  I just let my mind go crazy if we HAPPENED to have sex during that time period.  And honestly, if you’re in tune with your body, you’re sex drive increases naturally during this time.  It’s WILD the things the human body can do.

So.. this is where I stand right now, at 10:30 AM on a Wednesday.  I think I’m pregnant.

I think that the universe has an odd way or harmonizing and if there’s an opportunity for humor, it’ll be present too.  And I’m saying that because our 10 year anniversary is this month (6 unmarried, 4 married) and if I AM pregnant, my potential future baby’s birthday would be around the same time as my husbands.  Which I find ENTIRELY hilarious.   Because Ro looks like my clone.  Her thumb nail and big toe nail are really the only different things between us.  And I think it would be WONDERFUL for our future child to share a birthday with J.  He deserves a win.  Because Ro is ALSO a Mama’s Girl.  And if all of our kids are Mama’s Babes, that’s cool, but at least he can say that one of them shared a date with him.  And I think it would be SO special for him.  

*Sigh*… I’m at work and I am NOT feeling well right now.  Again… maybe I’m sick (rational) or maybe I’m pregnant because I 1)haven’t been sleeping well the last 3 nights, 2) have had headaches (which aren’t common for me) and 3)have been VERY nauseated.  Right now my head feels full of liquid and my body wants me to throw up.  And nausea happens to me more frequently than it should (due to motion sickness and my daily medication on an empty stomach) but this is VERY unpleasant and I can’t make it go away with food or rest… it’s just… THERE.

So here’s to hoping…. and documenting.. my potentials and my successes.

[homemademonster]

TMI Baby Magic & More

I always come back here.  I guess it’s a space for me to write what I want and assume no one will read it.  However, if someone does, I hope it brings them joy or entertainment or something, ANYTHING, good.  I know it does for me.

So first, I’m obsessive.  I am riddled with anxiety.  And when I want something, I am NOT equipped to wait for it.  I VERY much want instant gratification.  To my own detriment.  And I’m saying this because my baby just turned 1 and now I can’t quit thinking about and WANTING to have more kids.  And my husband, poor thing, doesn’t realize that each time we have sex, my mind turns into a Potential Babyhood Playground.

I KNOW this happens with women who are trying to conceive and it would be normal if my husband and I had decided to TRY to conceive, but we’re not trying (but not NOT trying).  So sex is like a hopeful potential for me.  But it also makes me drive myself crazy and buy TONS of pregnancy tests.

And I did this SAME thing when I was trying to get pregnant with Ro and for MONTHS I would end up being SO DISAPPOINTED when I wasn’t.  And we aren’t having sex over and over during ovulation or anything.  Again... we’ll have sex once a week or so and if it IS in my fertile week, I immediately think, “I wonder if I am.  Oooo gosh!  I have a headache.  Maybe I’m pregnant!?!?!“  I’m joking about it right now, but honestly, when you’re in the thick of it and step out of that mindset for a moment, you realize that you’re torturing yourself.

Nevertheless... it’s happening now.  And my goal, to prevent this from happening in the future (regarding pregnancy), I’m documenting EVERYTHING.

So this page is going to end up being a HUGE section of TMI about my body, vaginal discharge, sex, baby things, etc. so that if I get pregnant in the future and get pregnant soon, I’ll be able to look back at this to soothe my mind (and act as WebMD to my symptoms) about whether I am in fact pregnant or not.  Because researching website after website day after day when you’re wishing and hoping is EXHAUSTING.  So I’d like to know if, for SURE, my symptoms are really mental or physical.

I remember with Ro that we had sex either the day before or the day of or after Mother’s Day 2017.  I want to say that I’m certain it was the day before.  Because J and I went to see my mom and we were watching Get Out and before we all got together I asked her, “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” and her answer was, “A Grandbaby.”  She got that wish.... and 9 months later, Ro was born.

I also remember that I experienced implantation bleeding about a week before my period.  And it was very light pink/brown that didn’t require a liner, just a good wipe.  I also remember starting bleeding again around the time of my period (and continuing to bleed each day after that) and having to go to the doctor early to get on progesterone.  But low and behold, I WAS pregnant.  I KNEW the moment I had the spotting.  I knew that in that moment every previous month where I assumed I was pregnant that I wasn’t and that THIS was it.  It was startling and amazing.

So right now, 3/6/19, I’m in the cycle of wanting to get pregnant.  I’ve done the “I think I’m pregnant” for about 3 months now and I haven’t been.  So now I’m thinking I am this month (and feel certain, but obviously, could be wrong) because on 3/4/19 & 3/5/19 I experienced light spotting.  Again, VERY light the first day with more-than-average discharge tinged pink.  Yesterday, my daughter threw the worst tantrum she’s ever thrown and I was STRESSED.  So I got to work and was walking around and had that sensation *down there* and went to the bathroom.  And there was TONS of discharged with lots of brownish coloring.  It happened only on these 2 bathroom visits and I didn’t and haven’t seen anything since.  So perhaps it’s spotting or perhaps it’s implantation bleeding.  Only time will tell.

I do want to put this out there.  The one source that I used that was accurate in terms of my previous pregnancy was the ovulation calendar by First Response.  It was also helpful that I had been tracking the days I started my period so that I could know how many days my cycle was, so there’s that.  But I remember as soon as I started WANTING to get pregnant again, that’s the website I used to “just look” at my ovulating days.

Now I’m sounding a little nuts.  I didn’t research these days and then go, “Ooo, I’ll get J to have sex with me on these days.”  That was never my intention.  I just let my mind go crazy if we HAPPENED to have sex during that time period.  And honestly, if you’re in tune with your body, you’re sex drive increases naturally during this time.  It’s WILD the things the human body can do.

So.. this is where I stand right now, at 10:30 AM on a Wednesday.  I think I’m pregnant.

I think that the universe has an odd way or harmonizing and if there’s an opportunity for humor, it’ll be present too.  And I’m saying that because our 10 year anniversary is this month (6 unmarried, 4 married) and if I AM pregnant, my potential future baby’s birthday would be around the same time as my husbands.  Which I find ENTIRELY hilarious.  Because Ro looks like my clone.  Her thumb nail and big toe nail are really the only different things between us.  And I think it would be WONDERFUL for our future child to share a birthday with J.  He deserves a win.  Because Ro is ALSO a Mama’s Girl.  And if all of our kids are Mama’s Babes, that’s cool, but at least he can say that one of them shared a date with him.  And I think it would be SO special for him. 

*Sigh*... I’m at work and I am NOT feeling well right now.  Again... maybe I’m sick (rational) or maybe I’m pregnant because I 1)haven’t been sleeping well the last 3 nights, 2) have had headaches (which aren’t common for me) and 3)have been VERY nauseated.  Right now my head feels full of liquid and my body wants me to throw up.  And nausea happens to me more frequently than it should (due to motion sickness and my daily medication on an empty stomach) but this is VERY unpleasant and I can’t make it go away with food or rest... it’s just... THERE.

So here’s to hoping.... and documenting.. my potentials and my successes.

[missedmomma-blog]

Round 2

3 months after our miscarriage, we took a much needed trip to the beach. We’d been gone all month, but we needed some salty air and time for just the two of us.

Every day on vacation, I napped. Every day. Like, a solid 2 hour nap! It was glorious!! But it also was in the back of my head - am I pregnant? Or am I just fully taking advantage of this vacation?

I had no idea when I ovulated so I didn’t know when I could test. I tested the Saturday morning before we left and it was negative. I didn’t “feel” pregnant, but I’d also had 2 dreams about being pregnant that week. Again, I didn’t know if it was my body’s way of telling me, or if I was dreaming about it because i was thinking about it all the time.

I decided to do one final test Monday morning before I gave up for the month. A second pink line appeared. It was very faint, but it was there!

The next day, I tested again. The second line was getting darker!

I called my OBGYN to get an appointment scheduled as well as get started on Progesterone. We’d decided during our last miscarriage follow up that we’d begin with this regimen immediately following my next positive.

We were excited this time. It was only a 3% chance of having a second miscarriage. The odds were highly in our favor!!

We began budgeting and determining our nursery schedule. We completed our baby registry and broke the news to my parents! I needed my momma to know!

I had no nausea this time, no major aches or pains. I had HORRID mood swings though! But it was a relief not feeling sick this time around.

The Wednesday following our Positive, I was getting ready for bed. When I went to the bathroom, there was a tiny amount of brown blood. My heart sank knowing this was how it had started last time. I immediately started googling “brown blood at 5 weeks pregnant” and the results I got were comforting. “Likely leftover implantation bleeding”, “nothing to worry about unless it’s bright red”, “I had brown blood my whole first trimester”...

I went to bed, prayed for our baby, and drifted off to sleep. I woke up to pee twice that night (another sure sign I was pregnant!) and had no signs of blood. Thank you, God!

When I woke Thursday morning, I could feel it. The warm, dripping feeling. I rushed to the bathroom, and there it was. Bright red blood.

You’d think I would have lost it. Screamed at God. Cried. Thrown something across the room.

But an eerie sense of peace fell over me. Yes, I was so sad and disappointed. But I was also at peace. I can’t explain how gracious God was for many, many reasons.

He had surrounded me with His peace. He allowed this miscarriage to happen early on so that it wasn’t as physically painful as the last. Being 5 weeks along and miscarrying doesn’t allow for as much “closure” as miscarrying at 7 weeks - there’s not really a fetus to see when it passes. But by Friday, my pregnancy test was negative (the last miscarriage took over a week to get my negative).

My husband and I grieved together. There were tears, but not many. We both felt it on our hearts that this was God’s plan.