#prog undia post

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: Vent

Love my friend but she is so shit at giving advice through text.

This it why I should just stick to the status quo, stay in my lane. Tumblr vent post just satiate that screaming need... well and also a blasting music jam session but ye

Fuck my roommates they all suck. They have a guest that stayed the night stole my soap dispenser and put it on their side. (There's 2 sinks.) But they used our sink. Like WHAT? Not to mention the passive aggressive bullshit of over sending information already given. Like we were so chill about it. Like hey maybe don't bring a stranger into the apartment to stay the night WITHOUT TELLING US. BUT NOOOOO THAT'S TOO MUCH FOR THEM.

Now they passive aggressive text in the group chat like this gem

"Once again, my friend is staying over tonight she is sleeping in the living room"

Like am I crazy or saying "Once again" is passive aggressive.

I feel like I'm going insane.

They had to have told them that which is our sink. There's no way they didn't.

I feel like I'm going insane. It's proper roommate etiquette to assume that if THEY have someone over they are going to be using THeir stuff on their side. Am I crazy for that?

Bro, I haven't even stepped outside at any time the guest has been here, but them sending that "once again" text in the middle of them already being here? Like both of them know that I don't ever really leave the apartment and my fucken lights are on in my room tonight so am I crazy for thinking the "once again" message was a pointed intentional passive aggressive diss?

Whatever I don't care anymore. I hope they get chemical burns /irritated skin from using the rigged soap dispenser because WE HAD TO HIDE OUR OTHER SOAP DISPENSER because they wouldn't stop using ours even after telling them politely to use their own and use their own sink. LIKE BRO IT'S NOT THAT FUCKEN HARD

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: VEnt

Shit this hit. I don't have the day etched in my brain, but I know when time is rolling around.

Rolling back around to that day.

That day where 3 years ago I didn't know that'd be the last text I'd ever get from them.

3 years ago where every message after would never be responded to.

3 years ago when I lost someone; someone I never expected I'd have to live without.

In a strange way, sometimes I scroll back through are messages and read them all down to the very last text still awaiting a response that'll never come.

every so often i remember this poem by langston hughes & am inconsolable

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

Vent-ish?

I am so tired of having to feel like I need to draft up a whole entire paper soliloquy of prose and metaphors painting my pain and depicting my horrors.

How much do I have to describe for you to believe my suffering?

I understand that some can't read social cues, but this is not that. If I am point blank telling you "This really hurt.", "It was actually really traumatizing." No hehe haha laughing it off.

Believe me, believe my pain and suffering. I should not have to tell on repeat for the mere chance that it'll finally click in your brain.

Believe me when I state my boundaries, believe me when I say no.

How hard do I have to convey my torment for you to understand?

for you to take validity in my statements

for you to even respect my decisions

I am done with all of it. I am done with having to try and convince people of my agony. I am done wasting my time on people would refuse to believe my pain or see it as a line to tow, and push to test it's integrity. I am done with depicting, drafting, painting up my pain for you.

My boundaries are not up for debate and they never were.

TL;DR Drop people who don't respect your boundaries.

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

Long Ramble Post

I am so confusion. I tentatively made a friend in university last semester. I think we might have to just be arms length casual friends. I don't know maybe it's just because they were high? But they like doubled down about it as in they repeated saying that it was a red flag. Context I told them I make it fun out of lying to my parents.

I mean if I have to lie for my own safety why not make some fun out of it?

I don't know they repeated it was a red flag like 3 times even though earlier in our video call they literally brainstorming/thinking out loud about what to say to their father about accidentally tipping too high.

They also made some weirdgiest comments here and there. One about trying to make a relation about me talking about feeling like an imposter about being Asian because I'm a interracial adoptee. Saying how it's like them being white LGBTQ+ and being friends with a lot of POC LGBTQ+ friends or something. I think they were trying to empathic and just went the wrong way about it, but ehh.

In that same call they were poking fun at how I "uh-hm" in like acknowledgement of what they were talking about/show them that I'm listening. Which I was completely fine with, but then when I poked fun at them for saying their catchphrase "lock in" they were confused because they know that I know it's their catchphase and they say it all the time.

I don't know I'm being really nit picky I think and making a huge deal about everything, but like I don't know. I don't want to get too far being friends with them if they turn out to not be a mostly good friend?

TL;DR

Thinking about distancing a new-ish friend for lowkey being a hypocrite and saying it's a red flag to lie to your parents.

Verdict: Currently to keeping them off Close Friends on Instagram (our main form of communication). And trying to find a friend for a second opinion.

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

Reminder

It’s not genuine gratitude if you have to be fear mongered into complacency. It’s a balancing act of keeping control and propaganda.

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: Vent

AHAHAHAAHA, the feeling when you can't even stimm corfortably anymore because most of the time it keeps reminding you of that one time one of your "friends" said that you were like emoting in a snide condescending judgy patronizing way.

SO now you get deeply uncomfortable with stimming and just sit still but feel like your crawling out of your skin doing so and it's so frustrating. and everything feels like ABSOLUTE SHIT

SOrry I'm such an inconvience to you and that I make you cringe by stimming

FUCK YOU

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: Vent

When your last summer hurrah, ends up giving you stress hair lost and hair pulling, lol.

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

Tw: Rant

I FUCKEN HATE watching movies with my mother. She so annoying. She can feel sympathy for anyone, but me. The fucken gull to say all this bull shit about how horrible gaslight is and for give the grown adults who were complient to it. YOU YOU WERE PART OF IT. YOU GAS LIT ME JUST LIKE FATHER.

You're not innocent and you never will be.

For all the fucked up shit YOU LET happen to us. All of the abuse you excused and still excused TO THIS DAY. TO THIS FUCKEN DAY YOU STILL DEFEND THAT SNAKE. WHO SUNK HIS TEETH INTO THE FLESH OF HIS OWN KIN.

I hate that you'll never know. And even if you did you'd never admit. Even if I told you over and over what he did to me. You'd stand by his side even though he's left yours.

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

This could be interpreted so wrong, lol. But so could a lot of things.

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: Bad Memory

I just remembered my father did know better he knew. I remember he told me not to tell anyone because they wouldn't see it the same way.

Had to stop myself from having a melt down in the kitchen.

At least I can't convince myself it was a generational difference thing anymore

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

Tw: Vent Sewslide Thoughts

Woahhhh, a post jot about my shit roommates, crazy

I don't feel like doing it

Life

Everything just feel like I wasn't meant to be here. Ever at all

I kept spiraling again over and over just fucken can't anymore

I'm just a shit person who doesn,xt deserve anything but the worst.

I asked for it. What if I wanted it?

Just another narcissist playing the victim like the ficking self entitled asshole I am.

I just need to get it out of my system then walk it offq

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: Vent?

AHAHAHA, might get broken up at a Jolibee's tomorrow wish me luck!

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

Possible Recovery Mindset?

I just think of the things I'd rather have, such as:

enough brain power to function

people not worry about me/my health

Not have to make up lies about my food intake

more time to focus on school & friends than planning out food

Take my friends out and actually be able to have fun and enjoy

The biggest thing that helped, personally to recover is that I'd rather be strong:

to be able to protect my friends (if needed)

to be the one people call for when they need help carrying heavy things

to be able to run around, wrestle and carry my friends for shits & gigs

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

In all honesty recover memes genuinely keep me going

Trying to get some gains now. >:)

I realized how hard set I was on loosing weight and how engrained gaining weight is a "bad" thing. But bodies fluctuate all the time. Hell height changes through out the day, so why the fuck should weight be viewed any differently other than a normal occurrence.

This meme was inspired by the Chris Evans meme (that I can't find right now) "Captain America is a virgin, because he never looses."

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: VENT ABOUT RECOVERY

I know progress isn't linear, but fuck will I never know peace?

I still hate the way my skin crawls when I've eaten full.

I still hate the feeling of honoring cravings.

I still hate the weight of guilt baring on my shoulders while I try and sit with it.

Sometimes, giving into the purge instead with unbearable regret of eating in the first place.

Recovery feels fucken hopeless somedays.

But I know I got to punch through in the wise words of Miley Cyrus: it's the CLIMMMMMMBBBB~ (TT^TT)

[prognosis-undiagnosable]

TW: Vent, Binge Purge Talk

Recovery be so fucken hard. Binged so hard and purged each time like 4 times. It's been rough these last couple of days, but I am determined to make tomorrow better