#processingtrauma

[something-pithy]

(Quick) Notes and an Update: Come and Knock on My Door...

pictured above: Ascended Astarion before this Tav is like "Nah, bruh, i think this might be toxic OK gotta go bye" 5 Years Later...

Happy Tuesday, my sweet summer children!

And y'all salty ones, too :D

So Chapter 12 is up, and it's deadass over 5000 words of Astarion at different levels of unhinged and Tav at different levels of drunk af.

looool I mean, I had a lot of fun with it.

Quick Notes:

ON THE MF EPILOGUE:

OMG y’all, so Patch 5, amirite?!

Given the nature and content of an echo, a stain, OBVIOUSLY I AM EXCITE. 

A couple of things for the record:

Everything through Chapter 12 of this story was written as published before I saw any type of Ascendant epilogue. 

I don’t have an Ascendant Epilogue of my own to review because though I was in EA from jump and have 1700+ hours in this game (lol michaeljordangetsomehelp.gif), I've only completed one playthrough so far and I definitely failed the constitution check to complete the game with Astarion Ascended (listen, I love writing Ascendant Astarion but at the core of my being I'm here for ProcessingTrauma!Astarion and in the game, that's my SpawnStarion, baby)

My beta watched a video of the Ascendant epilogue and took notes, then gave me a bulleted list an echo, a stain was right about both in the parts that have been published, the parts that are still in progress, and the notes/outline for the rest of the story... loool it's a long list. tl;dr an echo, a stain remains pretty canon-compliant even post-epilogue.

I'm going to stop promising things about what I'm going to write in my notes. I really always do this with the best intentions, but once I drop a chapter, very frequently the day gets away from me because dropping the chapter took longer than I thought and/or I have other things to do.

If you have a specific meta question, don't hesitate to ask! I'm a teacher and a librarian and there's nothing I believe harder than "There are no dumb questions."

Normally I try to put out two new chapters each week, but after I dropped Ch 12 I started working on what was supposed to be Ch 13 and this motherfucker turned out to be 24 pages / 10K words.

I'm going to do my damnedest to get it posted today, but the revision process on this thing is already more involved than usual for a number of reasons. My incredible beta whomst I don't even deserve and I are working hard on figuring out how the MANY different things that happen in those 10K words best go together, best fit into the story, and also fix my Britishisms because during that torrent of word vomit I definitely started slipping into my native New Yorker / New Jerseyan f-bomb city patterns here and there. looool

Aight beautiful people, that's what I've got for now. I actually honestly do have about 2K words on alignment, good vs. evil, how they work (in my opinion) in BG3 and this story that are going to be pretty relevant to the HECKIN CHONKER of stuff that's coming up soon, but... we'll get there when we get there. Have a delicious day!

[provokingdrama]

I started drawing this out the other day but hadn't posted it because I didn't want it to be misinterpreted as ecstasy or something. This sketch is about the adverse/allergic reactions I've had to certain antipsychotics (and various medications - opiates and things with codeine, and some anti-emetics) called Acute Dystonic Reactions or Extrapyramidal Symptoms. Uncontrollable seizure-like movements. This sketch is of the worst reaction I had in late April 2010 after being re-prescribed Zyprexa after having been off it for a while. My psychiatrist wasn't very good. Anyway it was a full-body reaction that I literally expected to die from. Every muscle group was affected and contracting. My face and tongue included- I was worried I my tongue would suffocate me (it was blocking my throat) or that the most important muscle would be affected- my heart. I was hyperventilating because my diaphragm was involved, and if it affected my lungs I thought it would get my heart too. Anyway, there was a lot of back arching involved at the ER. I don't remember anything more bc I was given Cogentin (Parkinson's drug) after my 2nd trip to the ER that day. Anyway, thought I'd share even unfinished. If I can finish it I'll paint it, it's a traumatic event I'd like to process artistically. It helps. Thanks for reading. #art #dystonia #convulsions #trauma #darkart #graphite #pencil #sketchbook #sketchart #badmedicine #processingtrauma #medicaltrauma #horror #horrible #lifeasart #graphiteonpaper #graphitedrawing #thanksforlistening https://www.instagram.com/p/CiEy4LnP9Wp/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[prayersofadryad]

As I light this candle, I hope you hear me, Chiron.

The body remembers, even if the head doesn’t. That’s why we know Daphne, the cleverest of us, turned into a tree. The only way to free herself was to feel safe again. Women have bark. And they have bite. Most of the men I’ve known in my life have been far more bark than bite. 

I know humility and kindness are the greatest virtues, and I leave offerings at their altars daily.... but without others one won’t be very interesting, so it’s very important to also worship at other altars. I have sixteen altars, but… I tend to overdo everything. I mean it, it’s a thing. I’m the Leslie knope of dryads, okay? I turned into a tree at a very very young age, and it wasn’t until 33 that I discovered you can crawl outside the bark. This is why we need those stories. You can relate your own experiences to a universal story. We need to always feel safe in knowing that every human and god will have faults and weaknesses. Perfection is unattainable, but everything else is fair game. We bit the apple, man. We chose joy, happiness, ambitions, and dreams… but also curiosity. 

Pandora, herself, opened up a whole box of the darker emotions as well. It should have been called the tree of emotions. Not the tree of knowledge. You have emotions, and those emotions define you. Knowledge is how you learn to harness and control your power. If you harness the right one, you’ll discover you have talent in there too. Trust your heart, and the gods you choose to make altars to.

This is... what I took from lessons today. It helps to write them down in my own world, and go over them again. Sometimes I get tripped up in the words of other people. Sometimes it’s just simpler to ask them what they meant. Gives them another chance to see if they had good intentions. 

The next chapter was about how dreams can be shadows. As a teen, as of a woman, and as of now… the only thing I wished to be was happy. A fairly constant state of peace… because that is where I flourished. I created characters I wanted to be… because I didn’t want to be myself. My life was too dark. Too scary. No one believed my truth anyways, and there was nothing worth remembering about those experiences. Too much pain. Confusion. A shame I couldn’t quite…understand. I couldn’t remember. And… if I did remember, everyone told me just why I was wrong. But, I remember everything. EVERYTHING important. All my heroes keep journals, so now it my time to keep one. Let the pages hold the burden. It’s a spin off what my Papa said. I don’t have a father anymore. He died a long time ago, consumed by one of the gorgons. He was a kind man. A patient man. He loved me like the perfect sunny day you see out the window and can’t wait to get outside. When he dies again, I’ll grieve more, but I’ve done all that I can now.

I think the burden of feeling is on my fingertips as well. They feel heavy as they type each letter to form the words of my past. It’s a forest I have to get through to move forward. Some turn into the tree. I am finding my legs again to keep stepping forward. I can no longer write forward. Goodnight for now.

Without you, Chiron, I wouldn’t know where to go. Thank you for your guidance, strength, and a wisdom you’re generous with.

[gottalaughaboutit]

had a really normal childhood. mum and dad never argued, definitely didn’t have any money but my parents protected us from everything that went with that. find out later on dad is a narcissist and definitely gaslighted mum a lot. also spent money faster than he made it, kept mum at home with us and she had to figure out how to juggle the money to make it work. then we moved away from all our family, friends and support networks for dads job.

[spokenfromthefart-blog]

So five years ago I was in a fatal car accident. Someone passed away and I was sent to prison. Here is some reflections. Please share if you liked or give some constructive criticism. This is my first time trying to let it out. Thanks.

[passionsfire2]

There’s Beauty and Healing in Tears

I walked out of my counsellor’s office dazed, lightheaded and exhausted.  A feeling that nearly overcame me as I stumbled walking to the restroom.  I looked in the mirror and saw the raw emotion left from a difficult EMDR session.  My eyes were red and glazed over from the tears left in that office.  My face glowed a pale innocence.  The innocence and pain of a child who’s experienced their first heartache.  My body, after being highly anxious and tense, was oddly calm.  My mind was silent, almost in shock.  “There’s beauty and healing in tears.”  I told myself looking in the mirror.  In this state, I have been stripped down to raw emotions that went years without surfacing, and it’s exhausting.  Once home, I plunked myself on the couch with my favourite furry blanket for comfort and tried desperately to nap.  Of course, now, my mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts.  Eventually, my brain settled down and I was able to nap for a bit.  Then I had this huge urge to write a little about my experience today.

So here I am, 3 hours after my EMDR session trying to put into words my experience.  Today was my 3rd session.  It was by far the most difficult one I’ve experienced because of the intense emotions around the memory.  So much unfelt emotion came bubbling up to the surface.  At times it was so overwhelming that it was causing me to feel confused about what I was processing and the emotions attached.  At the very end of the session, my counsellor suggested that we process this again in another session because of the many emotions that came up.  Uck...  I don’t want to go back to process this again, but if it means that I can put it behind me for good, its a risk I’m willing to take. 

Those of you who may not know what EMDR is, I’ll try my best to explain it to you from my experience and what my counsellor has told me.  Firstly, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing.  The idea behind it is to fully process traumatic memories by working through the negative thoughts/feelings associated with the memory.  Then replacing those negative thoughts/feelings with positive ones.  This is all done through a technique called bilateral stimulation which can be eye movements where the counsellor waves their fingers left to right in which you follow with your eyes, or tapping left and right.  There are other forms but this is what my counsellor does.  I find I’m able to process better when she alternates left and right tapping on my knees.  That way I can close my eyes.  While she taps, I have to think of the image, thoughts, feelings, (physical and emotional) about a particular distressing memory.  This can be overwhelming because the tapping speeds up the processing and it can feel like you are reliving it, but you are not.  She will do a set of taps and then stop.  Together we will breathe in and out a few times.  Then she will ask me what came up referring to (emotions, feelings, body sensations, images and thoughts).  Sometimes she will say go with that and start another set or she will ask me to think about something else that came up in a previous set before starting another set.  She guides it but I’m doing all the work with processing anything that comes up.  This is repeated until the distressing memory is no longer causing an emotional reaction and it can take more than 1 session to work through.  The most important part of this process is staying grounded and feeling safe.  This is your counsellor’s job to make sure that you are not being re-traumatized, that you are grounded and feel safe.  With today’s intense session, there were several moments where I felt lightheaded and she and I both knew I wasn’t grounded.  So we would pause the sets until I came back.  We would breathe together, she would tell me to move around, look at a picture or pick up something until I was grounded again.  At the end of an EMDR session, it is highly crucial to wind down before leaving, especially if the session is not completed.  You don’t want to be leaving in a heightened emotional state, it's not safe.  My counsellor guided me through some relaxation techniques for some time before she and I agreed that I was ok to leave.

Well, that was just a blurb of my experience today and it may be a hard few days since processing can continue for a few days after.  With my previous sessions, I have awoken in the middle of the night to weird thoughts and feelings.  This is normal too because most processing after EMDR occurs at night when you are sleeping.  This can bring out nightmares as well.  Hopefully, I won’t have any nightmares tonight!!  Anyways, this is getting a tad bit long.  So I’ll end it with saying that, from what I’ve experienced so far with EMDR, I think it will have wonderful benefits.  In fact, I felt lighter after my first session but that memory wasn’t nearly as distressing as the one I’m currently working on.  Friends, if you have any questions please feel free to ask!  I’ll do my best to answer them :)

Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

Tara-Fay <3                       

[myblossomingbambi]

It definitely takes time, but learning to love yourself is the biggest gift you can give yourself and your next generation xxx #goals #happinessregained #happinessquotes #loveyourselffirst #unlearningbehaviours #movingforward #positivegains #lighteningtechnique #emdrtherapy #emdrtherapist #processingtrauma #lettinggoofthepast #blossoming (at Blossom Therapy Swaffham) https://www.instagram.com/p/CEg4M4Tjjbu/?igshid=k5i8b5mus0t8

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

"Blanket" for the ask game?

BLANKET 🥺🥺

this is from a fic idk if i'll ever finish but it's cute :')

Afterwards they sit by the fire, Gwaine having insisted they try toasting apples and it going horribly wrong but deciding to make the the most of it. He’s sitting between them both under a blanket because stone castle floors are fucking cold and they’ve drunk enough mead that things are mellow but not hazy and his head somehow ends up resting on Percival’s shoulder with Elyan’s on his, and contentment settles in him, a glorious stillness that makes him just want to bathe in the warmth and comfort of right now, for as long as it goes on. A blissful sigh escapes him before he can help it and he burrows deeper into Percy’s side.

He feels the low chuckle that goes through him and when his lips brush against his temple Gwaine just sighs again, too sleepy and warm to think. Elyan lifts his head from his shoulder a little, watching them with a gentle smile and the softest eyes. He drops his head on his shoulder again and presses his face into his neck.

send me a word!

[wishingwells0930]

|| Some days you don't have it all together. _ Some days, basic adulting functions are hard _ Remembering what bills to pay, the laundry, the homework, making sure your little one's homework is all done. _ Some times these simple things feel like boulders. _ Days like this used to upset me. I would get so angry with myself. I convinced myself that I was a failure for not being able to do the little things. _ It's taken lots of time and work to realize; it's okay not to be ON all the time. It is okay not to be OKAY all the time. _ Emotions are there for a reason. Physical symptoms are there for a reason. _ Today I needed to remind myself its okay to pause. It's okay to lay in bed at 7:30 and watch First Wives Club. _ My body needs it. My mind needs it. My SOUL needs it. _ Tomorrow I'll do better. _ Give yourself permission to be okay with wherever you're at. _ Don't avoid it. Feel it. I'm not advising to unpack and live there, but allow yourself the time and space to work through what you're feeling. _ It's valid. No matter what the thoughts in your head say 🖤|| . . . . . #itsokaynottobeokay #anxiety #anxietyproblems #anxietyawareness #processingtrauma #wonderwoman #itwillbeokay #firstwivesclub #dvsurvivor💜 — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/3ctFd2l

[prayersofadryad]

Mother Wound

Dearest Hecate,

As the mother, maiden, and crone… you have experienced the life of all three. You’d know of the mother wound. Before having my children, there was always a hole inside me that I desperately tried to fill. I just wanted someone to try and understand me before causing me pain. Believe me. Listen to me. Try to see what it was I was trying to learn. Love was an option, but I just craved dignity. A child doesn’t have any experience that the adult has, but the child does have a better way of listening and understanding that many adults lack, or were themselves never taught.

I was scared to become a mother, afraid that whenever I’d get mad, I’d turn into a giant squid with wide, crazed blue eyes and the scariest roar of a voice you’d ever heard. She squeezed the life out of others to live, my mother. So many things were sacrificed to her delusions. Those crazed blue eyes… I’ve always been afraid to look in the mirror when I’m upset, afraid my own would shine with such hatred and violence. Sometimes when someone remarks on my eyes, I remember that my mother and I share them, and I get a fleeting, similar feeling to the one Oedipus must have had had before he cut into his face. 

I’m not as dedicated to the idea.

Hecate, I got word from my Grandmother. She has been dying for the better of twenty years, and I’m afraid I have no more favors to give “before she dies”. Is it cold? Maybe, but I know you believe that I’ve done the best I could.

Tonight I ache in the blood that is still shared with a family that never gave me the gift of dignity. I’ll prune the tree of my soul, and cut off those branches that question if I am deserving, or enough for the beauty and love in the world. We all are. I may not have been shown kindness to the self as a child, but I’m learning as an adult… and I have way more opportunities now.

Hecate, I know you’ll reward and punish as you see fit. I concede all my emotions save those of forgiveness… to myself. I did everything I could. I offered peace, I offered love, and I offered my boundaries. Now I will inhale the chaos, hold for you to take, then release my breath full of grace and love to the world.