#probably wont because time and whatnot but if I do write something ill try to make it a oneshot

[nozoroomie]

I'm only slightly sorry for all the Wicked posting gang. They got me good. They really, really did.

[kittysyrup]

mole game 01

today is february the first,

i am the most motivated person in the world right now i am literally god, i am having a prophetic episode and everyone is my pawns

i am going to learn the unity game engine as one with such an overload of emotions and a psychotic mind would do. I believe the best therapy is to just give urself work and convince yourself it is actually really fun.

why do i want to learn a game engine, because i want to make a game, for gaming. I'm a bit of a prophet gamer, like a holy spirit that makes video games for all the poor peasants

I have chosen unity game engine because the internet is made for gnomes, and im not picking no engine made and spread around for gnomes, im no gnome. I will rip out all of my body hair if someone tells me to try out gadot game engine, i shouldnt even be hearing those words, just make it easier for me, im a beginner how do you expect me to learn on that shit.

the internet makes things so much harder for me to learn this shit, makes it impossible to know who to trust, youtube does not help, ive tried in the past to learn but youtube video tutorials do not help in the slightest, ill just find my brain going into college lecture mode and just write down code and not even understand anything

unity docs are also chronically impossible to read, its like a different language, its like they thought that they needed to restate all their type functions and shit in their docs and not say anything about what they do besides what they output or something, even though you already get this information from your IDE.

you can scrub over here, rant is over ill get into what I have done

i followed game makers toolkit tutorial for unity which idk if i should be like embarassed to mention considering my distaste my tutorial videos, i dislike this video for like spending alot of time explaining what code does like as if someone who doesnt know c-sharp at all isnt going to have like a really hard time after watching the video. but its like mildly encouraging to learn on your own and find your own problems and whatnot to work on.

I made the dumb flappy bird clone and made like a pencil character and like some book assets which was probably the fun part, really cool seeing your own art be in a video game.

here is flazzyjohn completely preserved as a gif on the tumblr servers

the only two things i even bothered to do after doin all the shit in his video is make the wing sprite change when pressing the space key and like that sucked, unity animation system looks like its going to be something that i will hate the more i use it, and i made it to where when the walls/books spawn they like randomly choose what sprite they are out of the 3 book sprites i made

brackeys unity videos which people seem to praise in the youtube comment sections really feel like dumbbed down youtube content in the meanest way possible, i refuse to accept that the answer to my problem is that you used a function that you made in a different video and actually i should watch that, just flash the code on the screen or something, its literally not worth my time

ok now i will exclaim my prophetic invision for my incredibily intricate first real game that i will burn out on sooner or later, you cannot convince me otherwise

either that or ill backout and make a snake clone or something

BUT then ill work on it

I want to make a 3d game, i know dumb, it would be like shitty low poly if that rationalizes it in anyway (it doesnt).

I have one idea that im kinda hyperfocusing on right now thats really simple but really complex and already hyper engineered in my head.

im imagining like a really dumbed down mining game wit like gumdrop-shaped moles with big handheld drills

(ignore the chibi robo they wont be in the game)

so ur this little mole guy and theres like a mole city wit like people to talk to or whatever (they would exist just to give u fetch quests and dumb dialogue) and the fetch quests would consist of going down the big elevator in the center and heading into the ever changing mines or something lore something lore

made this ms paint drawing for a friend in a jiffy

the like splotches of colored areas is supposed to be what minerals looks like on a map you recieve everytime you go into the mines, its always the same level, it just resets through like shifting rock or something, thats why there will be a time limit of like 2 minutes or something idk to grab ur shit and get out.

the map would be start out like one of those like lottery ticket scratch off things, and u gotta scratch it off like really fast.

i guess like the point is to like implement alot of weird stuff to do on the map that takes up your time inside the mine, since the main game concept is kinda simple

a sense of progression could be implemented through items given by the npc's that let you do more weird stuff with your map, like reveal hidden minerals and shit

i got like two ideas rn:

ones just like a pencil that you have to hold down and wait for your mole character to draw out a line to where you currently are, because the map wouldnt like show where you are.

another where you have like a limited use item where you could put like magnetic dust that sticks to a certain part of the map that would tell u where a secret mineral is or somethin.

im thinkin like this can only work in a 3d game for like selfish and learning reasons, i have like a few inspirations to go off of too

i had to play like 30 minutes of this game for like screenshots but like this shit, fairly oddparents shadow showdown encapsulates the gamecube era of games, i also played way too much of it like 3 years ago because i thought it would be fun to speedrun and wasted alot of time on it. Mostly just taking inspiration from the incredibly simple icons and text boxes.

Woooo i lovwe animal crossing i love making fake relationships with animal people, growing up with animal crossing did not impact me in the slightest, not a single thing. Ive always really liked the ui design in animal crossing, i will be ripping it off in some shape or fashion, i will decide if it will be shameless or not at a later date

Main issue with making a 3d game is that i gotta learn blender and thats makes it difficult because i also have to learn how to make a 3d model like look good

Anyways I dont expect this to be done for awhile, but im hoping the pressure from starting a log, generally just to complain and complain about how unreadable documentation can be.

This is supposed to spark the start and I will be opening a unity project and trying make a cube move with WASD whenever i have free time and im not drawing.

[justmywriting1313]

I Passed (I think) And I Am Back!!! (For some time) (Fic schedule and just some FYI’s)

Heyyoooo loves!!! I hope you guys are having an amazing week besides quarantine and whatnot and are safe, happy and healthy!!!😊😊

Okay so I am posting this for a couple reasons... The first is to say I am SOOOOOO SORRYYYYY I haven’t been responding to asks, messages, and requests!!!!! If any of you take psychology or have studied it you guys know its very very very difficult. Despite enjoying it i am so close to having a mental breakdown every-time i see my book. Besides taking a stupid hard course i take 7 courses in total 😖😖... Yes I am well aware that I am very dumb for torturing myself like that haha but anyway I also have a side job of selling art (Paintings/ Portraits) so I can make some extra cash to support myself. You guys can imagine how busy that had made me!! But for the next two weeks I have no courses so I promise to reply on time (that includes the ones i am yet to reply to 😅😅) and post One fic every two three days!

The second thing I want to say is a HUGE GINORMOUS MASSIVE THANK YOU! 🥺🥺🥺 I expressed on the top of my last fic that some people had been mean to me about fic writing because I take so long (separate notes: if you put ‘You are Worth it’ together its 11 fricking thousand words...omg!!) However, the amount of people who sent in submissions and messages telling me how much they love my fics and that its okay for me to take time honestly made me tear up. I get stressed super easily so when i read them they literally made me so happy and excited to write more fics. On top of that i don’t often stand up to people cause i think why bother especially on the internet and so for the first time i did and SOO MANY OF YOU SUPPORTED MEEEEEE!!!! YYAYAYAY!!! I am so grateful and reply to each one of you but still wanted to say a collective thankyou!! 💖💖💖

Okay Third thing, So if any of you have read my bio you know I have ADHD. For those of you who dont know it roughly means organisation, attention and just focusing does not come naturally to me. Why i am telling you this is because it explains why I have a hard time texting back cause i usually put it in the back of my head and then forget about it. I cant promise ill fix it right away but ill promise to do my best that I can!!!!!

Okay Last thing which is Fic related and so you guys might notice/care about more 😂😂😂 Okay soooo I had started this blog a long time back however I didnt think I was any good at the time so I didn't continue posting stuff. Then I put the ‘You are Worth It’ fic for Lucifer and honestly the reaction I got to that was so heartwarming!!! (Ps if you ever ever ever feel that way I am right here... believe me when I say I know how it feels. I am a curvy Indian writer/ painter! You guys have no idea how much I have stood out and have felt the way the m/c in that fic did so I will always be open to listen without any judgement whatsoever if you ever feel the need to talk to someone!!!!)  So I continued writing and put out the other parts to that fic as well as a Beel fic and despite that not doing as well I am still so happy to see you guys liked it. Earlier I was going to stop putting up anymore out but i’ve decided I will continue the blog and hopefully give you guys writing you love just as much 🥰🥰🥰 However I wont lie it gets a bit overwhelming so I thought best to put a few rules up (and also tell you all the fandoms i write for).

RULES: 

Some of these Fics are very clearly 18+ so pretty please if you are below 18 don’t read them. I am trusting you guys enough (I have a feeling I will regret this) so if you are not 18 then don’t read them!!!!! I will make plenty of all-user-friendly ones so yeah! 

Second I refuse to write anything even remotely Racist and sexist. Also if I am not comfortable with a certain kink/ type of fic I WILL NOT WRITE IT. I am happy to write whatever you request but if I am not comfortable with it I will let you know so please understand and respect my boundaries. 

If the characters in the fandom are related I am sorry it’s not happening. If they are sharing an experience with M/C? Sure! For example Beel x M/C x Belphie? Perfect! However Beel x Belphie is NOT happening. 

Lastly Do not Harass me about a certain request. If you have requested something be patient and if you still want to now the status of it just drop me a polite message and i’ll be more than happy to tell you. (this also helps me remember just incase i forget) 

FIC SCHEDULE:

Okay now for the fic schedule of what to expect in the next month. I am not giving dates for all of them cause honestly i am scared of what you guys will do so this is just rough. Also for those who sent the ask ill tag you guys and for the anonymous ones... yeah idk hehehe 🥰 A- Angst/ F- Fluff / S- Smut. Also firstly crossed out fic titles mean i’ve already put them up and they are finished secondly once this list ends i’ll put out another fic schedule with the next fic’s that are in progress just being edited!

Also I’ll try to sprinkle in some HC’s in between so i keep giving some kind of writing!

Two can Play at that Game... (Mammon x M/C) Multiple parts and very smutty. 18+                                                                                    (Hopefully in the coming week) A/F/S

 I am Here... I’ll always be here (Diavolo x M/C) Multiple parts A/F

The Italian Way of Life (Beel x M/C) Don’t know how many parts F

Compliments (Beel x M/C) (This is the ‘You are Worth it!!’ but with Beel instead) Multiple parts A/F/S

Smile For me! (Demon bros x M/C) Multiple parts A/F

Stay (Lucifer x M/C) Two different endings A/F/S

My Own Slice of Heaven (Diavolo x M/C) Multiple Parts F/S 

Thats it for now but ill probably add more later after replying to everyones submissions and messages to see the new requests. For now lets see if i can even do all of these. 

OTHER FANDOMS I WRITE FOR:

MARVEL 

BATBOYS (technically dc i guess) 

STAR TREK 

PEAKY BLINDERS 

LOTR AND THE HOBBIT

Okay honestly I have so many i cant even remember so as and when i remember ill add 😂😂

Okieeeee I think thats a wrap sorry thats so long but anyway please drop in more requests and asks and don’t forget to reblog!!!! Love you guysssss and byeee  

[04091657]

02/16/17

i have no motivation to study

i want you to send me a nude lmao why am i indirectly talking to you bc it gives me comfort

i miss you

i live on your words now too just rereading everything you write to me i want to talk to you so badly its so easy, to just pick up the phone and dial the numbers that are forever inked into my brain id hear your soft voice so soothing so comforting feels like home because you are home

are you asleep? if so, i hope youre sleeping gently and comfortably. i love you. i miss you.

i know i shouldnt have called but i couldn’t help myself this is the hardest thing ive had to do 

i know its so cliche and typical for couples to say that they’re special and whatnot.. but truly i really believe we are so fucking special. you were right. nobody knows us like we do.

its 4:20 two nights ago we were outside smoking and looking at the stars and you told me how you missed smoking on the curb during the summer. i like smoking outside in the winter with you while looking at the stars. its nice

who were you texting at 730 last night on whatsapp): i know its so toxic and unhealthy of me to monitor who youre talking to its a habit i REALLY need to change, its not that i dont trust you bc god baby i know your love for me is truly unconditional and 150% devoted. i get jealous so easily tho. i need to fix this! you reblogged that thing that said jealousy is a sign of an unhealthy relationship!!

just now randomly this popped into my head: theyre just jealous cus we’re young and in love. soco amaretto lime, 06/09/16 brand new’s opening song for their concert, i held you and we looked into each other’s eyes and we kissed so much. do you remember?

i remember when we broke up and i thought a couple of times about how itd be so hard for me to eat steak again bc it reminds me of you so much. so ive got to be honest it broke my heart a lil when you were gona eat it w vanny even tho i know its cus youll always love steak aww im happy baby’s got a protein she really likes :) but for me part of the reason why i love steak so much is because of all the times we shared it together. also you cant have steak without green beans. its officially a rule!!

remember the uni(sea urchin) pasta i made you? dont you feel like itd be sooooo much better if it was paired with udon instead? and topped with fresh uni ooooo im hungry

im very tired i slept at 6 was supposed to wake up at 8 but ofc i snooze until 11 and now i have no time to study for my exam or do my assignment so i have to hand it in late but i wont even be here in person to hand it in so idk what to do ):

went to krispy kreme with marcus after my astro midterm and we sat there for a bit and talked and SAW YUMYUM LOL i hugged him even tho i hate him lol but yea marcus and sarah are going to new york next week, definitely jealous not gona lie! but our day will come !

about to take a depression nap i already know you love me tho heh

hey babe, just showered, packing now seojis arriving soon and i think we’re heading out around 9. cant wait to talk to you i miss you so much, hope work isnt busy today hope your cut isnt that deep, im thinking of you

on my way to the airport, ill be spending some time there i think ill work on my assignment first, nap a lil if you can? hope work wasnt too straining, try eating something even if its just a tiny candy, i miss you

im outside security check, theres a couple the girl is crying a lot and the boyfriend is just comforting her, i hope their relationship lasts, theyre hugging now i wish u were here to hug me goodbye too, but in a way im glad youre not here because id probably just cry the whole way on the plane. anyways i miss you and i feel very bad for them

theres a quote, goes something like hospitals hear more sincere prayers than churches, airports see more sincere kisses than wedding halls. its so true lol i miss you

[for-the-brokenhearted]

1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel?? 

*clears throat* 

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz. 

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror. 

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself. 

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks. 

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law. 

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me. 

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it. 

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization. 

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that. 

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years. 

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes. 

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc. 

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting. 

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt. 

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again,  ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what. 

[selfawarenesscat1994]

accidental long post

i dont normally put trigger warnings but this post speaks a lot about food/binge eating. and i kinda just went off on one haha. talk of money.

im sitting in the office writing this at work cus my boss told me to do the holidays but im done but i need to vent, the store is abso quite and i just need some time to myself.

i have money! 

oh my god the relief. 

im still gonna be struggling til the end of this month but its not as bad as its been through jan which has been fucking HELL because ive obv been doing my manager job and having all this worry/stress ontop ov it.

i paid my rent +fee and i have enough to cover my bills! !!!!

i bought a bus pass but im gonna probably walk to work when the weather gets less horrible as i acctually didnt mind the walk after a while and i felt a lot fitter adding that exercise into my daily routine. before dropping out of uni, i got quite bad for being the type of person who would go to the gym once or twice a week and justify a lazy existence because of that. the bus is terrible but its the difference of walking 6 miles and being out of the house for like 12 hours a day or whatever and taking a 10 minute bus journey from straight outside my work almost to my front door. 

i ordered new earphones becus mine are not working. they were like 6 quid but so worth it. i went into my favourite cosmetic shop and got some nice stuff for my face as its got so flaky and dry and sore. i bought some new combs, not a great expense, no but the last thing on my list of cheap stuff when i didnt hve any money. my hair is short and tuggy and thisll help. i went into a cheaper cosmetics store and bought a lot of cheap shampoo/conditioner, sanitry products n whatnot. i never used to stockpile these so i ended up at the beginning of jan with nothing, i bought a cheap bar of soap for my body and used some of my flatmates stuff (but its expensive so i did it like once a week max). its so nice to have product. its something i never throught was something id miss cos theyre so essntial but i got to the point where i couldnt really afford them because i had bills going out and had to keep my money for other things.

the front door of the flat is drafty so i got the flat a draft exludor on the way. yay.

ive consumed more food/calories in the past day than i probably have in a couple of years - apart from at christmas. last night i bought a milkshake after work. it was thick and tasty and amazing. on my walk home i also bought a bottle of irn bru, which wasnt as good cus i forgot they changed the receipe but ive not drank fizzy drinks regularly in a 

i thought it was gonna be enough to fill me up but my body suddenly decided it really wanted to binge and treat myself.

i odered a med pizza with two sides and cookies when i got home from work. i just stuffed my face and ate it all. it was glorious. i went out with my flatmate a bit later and i bought quite a big shop with fresh food but also a lot of tinned/frozen things bcus i know i will be poor at the end of the month. i binged on salad items at like midnight. i ate two eggs, a whole freaking cucumber and pack of tomatoes, along with half a red pepper, a carrot, some spring onion and spinach. fresh food never felt so good. i had fruit and a bagel wiv creme cheese for my breakfast this morning. ive not had breakfast in about 6 months because when i started uni i got so stressed i couldnt eat in the morning and then i couldnt really afford to. and i gave myself some money today to get some lunch. i planned on buying one of those salad meal deals but i ended up at subway, i only got a 6 inch tough cos i think i may have died if i got anything bigger. i did however get 3 cookies on offer, ive only ate one as of yet but the other two are staring me down right now. i was so tempted to go to mcdonalds but i would have binged too hard. my poor stomach which i mentioned before had became a lot flatter probs due to lack of food/a lot of walking is so bloated.  i was wearing quite a loose fitting shirt to work and you can just see this big round boi now. customers will think im pregnant fuck me. but its a good bloat. but as i also mentioned ive gained a bit of weight and in the past 24 hours ive probably put on about a stone haha. i probably lost around three inches from my tummy in the past coupla months and now its about 6 inches rounder haha. 

i honestly dont regret it. i think if this was a regular thing and i did stuff like this a lot i would probably be different and feel horrible but it was great. i loved all this good food. 

im gonna go back to reasonable spending now/eating now. i have some spicy carrot soup i made a fortnight ago in the freezer so im gonna heat the rest of that up tonight for me and my flatmate, if i even feel up for eating and tomorrow i will probably enjoy a cheeky but healthy fruit salad for my working lunch.

sucks my brother took out a loan but im splitting his repayments and we can both afford to pay it off, im sure you can even pay it off wholly early (for a fee though) so i could even do that in a few months time cos i already know ill be due a tax refund, i paid so much tax @ my last jobs before i quit them for uni and ill be taxed here but i didnt earn over the threshold due to my break and il be due loadddss back, so we will see.

im gonna donate at the end of the month to some people on here, im not gonna really examine who ‘deserves it most’ and just do it randomly tbh. thanks to the people who donated to me, it e a lot but it did help as i mentioned before.

sidenote below

sidenote - i dont have an eating disorder. i just binged today and yesterday because ive not been able to enjoy the food i like. 

ive always had a bit of a weird relationship with food because ive never been thin and have had some disordered tendancies but nothing thats effected my overall health massively. ive been on countless diets thrughout my life. i dont particularly act like that anymore cos it can be dangerous. id only go on a ‘diet’ if my health was really bad, if i was terribly overweight or if another health condition made me alter my diet. ive also a lot of reckless times where ive just not thought about what ive eat... queue the time i ate a whole selection box and half a tub of ben and jerries for my lunch or the time i only ate a loaf and a half of bread in a day and though ‘ah this is enough calories its fine’. but i think thats moreso bpd. if ive been having a bad time with my mental health i wont care about whats being put in my body. but its not been driven through a desrie to be thinner/bigger ever.

 ive been poor recently and not been living on the best of foods (will probably explain why ive gained weight) but i have been mostly cooking from scratch using frozen meat/fish/veg and tined foods (thank god for bootstrap cooking, am i right???), on occasion i bought fresh veg or meat but thats it. the rest of the food i was eating when i was poor and well still will be eating for the next month was and i try to limit this because i know its really unhealthy has been instant ramen/noodles/soups/rice, breaded frozen meat and frozen garlic bread and chips. snackwise its been like those 10p packs of buiscuits and ive also been baking when i can mostly using my flatmates stuff. if my flatmate was making food and had excess id sometimes have some if she offered but thats been it.

[survivorandalucia]

“Wokest Bitch of the West”- Petra

I'm fucking quitting why did you have to cast these fucking people

OMG I made it and it's started and I'm soooo ready

RHONE ! Bless.

i love men that means im not a lesbian

Ohhh bitch i am here! I was legit just having a mental brake down and now im here. Ohh boy!!! Im so excited to be here and now im seeing Amanda again! But me geting jenna out and willa ohh boy! Im gonna have to talk to willa and hopefully jenna isn't so harsh this time around! Ah im so excited i just hope im not a pre-juror boot because im going to be so emotional this game and hopefully play a villainous card!

toby marlow is sexy as fuck what the mhell

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS!!!! So far, not much has happened which can be good or bad. I'm a bit nervous to be playing with returnees being on the other tribe because they might be better at immunity challenges than us. I'm a bit nervous about Pine Boy being in this game because I heard that he's really good. So far I like Toph (Azores buddy <3), Sultana, Jacob, and Nick. Nick came to me right away and said he liked me and wanted an alliance with me. I was like sure!!! Who would I be to decline an alliance? An idiot, that's what I would be. I'm wondering how we're going to do idol hunting on this season and I hope we find out soon. I want to redeem myself from my Azores mess. That reminds me, Toph being here can be really bad for both of our games. If anyone know what Azores is, they know that I gave Toph my idol. They know that we were close, which can be really bad for our games. If people look at Azores and assume that we're still close (which we are), we're fucked in the long run. I love writing confessionals, I missed that in Azores. Sure, we had Ponderosa confessionals, but I wanted to talk more game shit in there. Another thing that I'm worried about: If Toph read my in-game confessionals during Azores, he knows that I'm reluctant to play by his side again. Or, if he has a brain, he can infer it from that. Hopefully, this wont all blow up in my face. I can't wait for the shit show to start after the immunity challenge.

I really am gonna have to fight the hosts

Not letting me idol search and putting me on this tribe. There is only ONE girl on my tribe. And rhone and the boys. I hate men fuck you all. Also Jake being on my tribe when he has the personality of a dead foot yikes. I hate this tribe i hate this game. Get me my shit i wanna leave now. 

Except jordan pines and daniel they cool.

Heyo! The name’s Johnny, from Survivor: India, the guy who went through only two tie votes in his seasons, and I guess I’m ready to swing at the sandbags again. I’m glad to be back and hopefully I don’t fall in the pits that I fell in last time. I’m not settling for premerge this time ‘round. So this tribe is definitely a lot bigger & badder than I expected. Lots of personalities, lots of players, and a shit ton of self-professed “bitches”, “villains”, and whatnot. I just want to survive a while in here so I’m ready to slap on the under-the-radar happy tribe mascot sticker. But of course, the twist is revealed. I tried for the advantage but as always, my luck runs dry and I’m beaten to it. Figured Jordan Pines had it and right I was - dude won immunity. Lucky fella. Oh well, better him than ~some~ people, because at least he probably won’t want me gone first. I’ve also had some decent chats with Issy & Daniel, a bit o’ back-and-forth with Chris, and barely anything with Jake, Isaiah, and LA. And Adrian & Rhone, as far as I know, is a no-show so far. I do know Adrian though, so hopefully that gives me some brownie points! Now we’re gonna go on a tribe call and if there’s anything I know about myself, I’m both awkward and quiet on large calls so… hopefully I leave a decent impression.

So the tribe call just ended with the understanding that a second one would start, and guess what didn’t happen? It does feel a smidgen shady so hopefully there isn’t some chat without me already made because THAT would suck. After the call, though, Jake comes to me all desperate asking “We’re good right? I won’t vote you.” Dang, this guy moves quick. He asks me what I want to do and when I say wait it out for a little bit, he says “Good plan, low key wanna help the tribe.” Mate, simmer down, no need to jump on the gameplay horse so quick. I feel like he has some bad connection with someone, but I’m just not quite sure who that’d be. I know nothing about Tumblr connections, sadly. I trust Jordan right now - not too much, of course, I’ve heard how good he is at this stuff - but I’ll give him a little info and hope he reciprocates. I just wanna live until I reach a point where I can go full India mode and explode onto the scene. We’ll have to see if I can suffer through this tribe, first… I’ll just suffer well.

GUESS WHO WON IMMUNITY PEEPS ANYWAYS so since im at least surviving 1 tribal i have time to build relationships with these people, i've been talking to amanda and she's cool, and atm im on call with jacob/toph/peyton and im waiting for someone to add me to an alliance because im so talented

Everything seems pretty tame but since there is a tribal coming up, that scares me. I like Madison, Taylor, Sultana, Toph, Jacob, and Nick as of now. I'm going to watch the videos right now to see where people's heads are at right now. If I can do that, I'll be able to get a better read on everyone. Hopefully, that will help me with figuring out who to vote out. I'll pray for the best while reading Animal Farm.

CONFESSIONAL: This is my first time in tumblr survivor history that I will be present at the premiere of the season. Pretty fucking excited. I'm like a survivor noob when it comes to the premiere. I've always been gone during it so this is my first premiere ever! I am hoping my 2nd and 1st place finishes don't put a early target on my back. I just need to make sure the tribe views me as an asset as opposed to a threat CONFESS: i think my status will help me. it says something about depression i think people will like that and that should be a convo starter

so me being the little bean that i am decided to have everyone join the call and now im an alliance called the "core fore" i mean like its me Payton, madison, and Jacob! okay that was just some basic ass info. here's my thoughts on everyone else! Amanda sledge: the only person i will trust in this game. she played an idol on me in Azores and if that isn't trust i don't know what else is. Payton: he seems ok, i mean he kinda seems Plainer then Rasin Bran but i mean her has a goat farm and litty. Madison: she seems woke and i would like to work with her given her immunity win and letting everything happen with this alliance already taylor: i mean he seems ok. But like he just got on call so ill keep you posted on him. Sultana: a woke ass queen! i really wanna work with her she seems super funny and chill and like a queen of everything she dose like harassing her mom for food! i would love to work with her will she wants too as well! the others: they have said nothing so like ima try and get one of them out now or payton. dfjbndofb Ok so currently i'm in about 2 alliances! Amanda, nick and myself are in one alliance. meanwhile i'm in an alliance with  Jacob, Payton, and Madison together so like i have no idea if this is good or not because i don't wanna be caught so i feel like i need to tell Amanda so she dose not get mad and i can work with her! I really have no clue on what is going to happen. I don't want to trust anyone yet because tomorrow we will see were the lines will be drawn. I am like 50% that someone inactive will be voted off. but not if i have anything to say about that! I want payton out because i feel like he is dry and kinda basic. after all i will try and be the villain of the season oops! i honestly really like Petra though and think shes very chill and interesting. lets hope she feels the same way. i'm hoping i can just stay calm for now and then go and cry about it latter. i honestly am very hungry right now though like i ugh. Ok that is besides the point. But i feel like i need to bring my paranoid level up to like a ten because i can't trust none of these bitches or i'm gonna be scared as hell. my ears are open to everything and i have a google docs open and im ready to kill some people. 

So at the beginning of the game, me and Amanda talked alot and decided to team up. Then Amanda was good friends with Toph. So then we formed a three person alliance. While we were on call, me Amanda, Toph and Suitana formed an alliance. The twist was announced that both tribes will be going to tribal. I really hope I am not first out but I got a solid 4 person alliance called the Wig Snatchers with them.

I feel like I'm the least extra person here and some of them I think don't like that I'm not super extra

ok idk who 2 vot cuz im just a woke ass bitch and like i havent come across anyone that im rly annoyed with xcept payt TBH hes just awkward and like totally denies my humor via not laughing and everyones talking about this person called jenna they had tea drama with or smth so im like O _ O

I love being on tribe calls because late at night is when alliances are made! I'm currently in an alliance with Petra, Nick, and Toph (Seamus too). We don't have the majority yet, but I like Jacob and Madison. I hope they will vote Jenna with us. I heard nothing but bad things about her from Toph and she seemed cool, but I think right now it's our best option to get her out since she has no wifi at the moment.

Hey everyone, first confessional. I have not played in one of these games in a very long time so I feel very rusty. Anyway, this double tribal twist could really mess up my game but I can't worry about that at the moment. My plan is watch my tribemates videos and try to find common ground. I know Poteet is really embarrassed about going out premerge, and I went premerge too so we can talk about that. I need to take it one step at a time.

I have gained the trust of a good amount of the tribe, and they all are just kinda doing what I say, so i feel like i have some power suddenly. Not saying I'm on the path the a villain but we'll see what happens.

i want to die

Joy, oh joy. I wake up this morning (if 11:30 AM is considered morning) with Jake being the only message to me and I think, THAT can't be a good sign. So he reiterates him wanting to work with me, yadda yadda, badda bing, and says that he values we have history. I'm pretty sure our history is just like one or two Skype minis so unless I'm forgetting something, ripperoni. He also tells me he's "heard a few names floating around" but when I asked him who it was, no response. Go figure. Luckily, Chris Stoner messages me and tells me that as of now Jake is the vote (I'm assuming from the mind of Jordan Pines) so at least I have some solace there. I don't think I'll be going at the end of the day, but there's still the very real fear that my head's on the chopping block, and I don't want to be lynched tonight, nosiree.

So while my video confessional is uploading, it seems like I got Taylor's vote to get Jenna out! I'm really excited to not be the first boot, honestly. I'm sad though because she never got to send me pictures of her kittens. Maybe if I keep her she'll show me! Anyways, how's your day? My mom broke our snapchat streak and it's quite disappointing... like I came out of your vagina and you're going to treat me like this?? Oop my video confessional uploaded here it is in all its (not) glory!

So Jake said that Rhone had suggested Issy (due to their beef from another game, pretty sure it was a wiki game I viewed lmao) or Chris to go home. I found this a little bit fishy but then again I've found most of what Jake's been doing to be fishy. However Jake seems to think it'll be Issy going which is convenient. I also hopped on a call with Jordan Pines and we traded a bit of info - I'm not going to give him EVERYTHING persay (I've been told many stories about him so best to tread lightly) but luckily he gave me some. Jake had randomly made an alliance chat with Jordan and Rhone last night without informing either of them and both distrusted it. Jordan wants to keep some sorta secret information sharing pact between the two of us and I'm game, but I need to make sure he trusts me so I still have to actually give him credible tales. I've just gotta stay on his good side for now and be the nice, honest fella on the tribe. That'll keep me afloat until the swap (which seems like it'll be an auxillary situation. How fun). I do like Isaiah and Adrian a bit and I wouldn't mind working with those two, it'd be nice to get something rolling along with em. We'll have to see, though, because I'm not sure how social Adrian's been so far. As of now, our first boot should be Jake. Let's just hope we can stay strong and not lose to those meddlesome newbies.

I'm not going to lie... I'm a bit nervous. A tribal shouldn't be going this smoothly  unless there's something going on in the background. Dear god, let this work out. I will write more after tribal is over, I'm just too nervous right now.