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flydotnet · 9 months ago

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Bad Things Happen Bingo! The event where I give myself stupidly niche requests according to this marvelous card... or something. It's been three years dawg. (Red cross is the completed prompt, character headshots are prompts I’ve already filled).

You dislike me, Princess Ivy? We each have our tastes, I suppose, but…this makes me sad.

It's a bit of an unorthodox take on "Take Me Instead" that's tailored to my tastes, but what is fanfiction if not an expression of a thing you like? Yeah, exactly.

I may have lost myself during the making of this fanfic. Got lost in the sauce, you could say. It's very verbose and static, and I lost sight of what this fic was originally going to be about. Or was it ever about anything that wasn't writing an interaction vaguely based on a bond conversation that amused me? I'm not sure of either.

This is probably super OOC because I already don't write Camilla in a canon-compliant way, so… watch out for that! It was fun to write anyway. God I love Kagetsu so much, he truly is babygirl-coded.

The title is a bit random. I honestly didn't have better that wasn't a title I saw used elsewhere, so… oops.

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Rice Vinegar

Summary: Camilla has a discussion with Kagetsu after a very rough battle against the Corrupted - out of concern and misunderstanding. Self-sacrifice is a truly ugly thing.

Fandom: Fire Emblem Engage

Word Count: 2.8K words

AO3 version available here.

Event hosted by @badthingshappenbingo.

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Camilla has never been a stranger to death and bodily harm – quite the opposite, really. When she was alive, she often was the one inflicting this harm onto others, either in self-defence or in a genuine attempt to take down her enemies. It was her father’s overly ambitious mistresses, it was a mindless shell of a soldier threatening harm on her brother, it was – they all died, or died again, to her hand, her axe, her wyvern. And she had no regret about it whatsoever.

Nothing and nobody was ever sacred, when she was alive. Even alliances could fickle and she’d draw blood again. She had grown up in an environment where it made it all too easy to justify violence for all sorts of reasons, selfish or selfless, with or without consequences. It never came to pass, thanks to her dear Corrin, but the fear was here until the end of her days.

Camilla has, however, never been a stranger to self-sacrifices – mostly from other people.

She gets it, in essence. She, too, felt unconditional love for her siblings and her children, knew when to risk in a hit to save a friend, heard all of the speeches – a brother sacrificing his health for his country, a sister always ready to help anyone out of the kindness of her heart, a neighbour country’s values of honour and solidarity at times trampling a need for self-preservation. Duties and passion, abnegation, causes worth losing a life for.

It’s a noble feeling, even if noble isn’t exactly… what she’s been known for. But she gets it, she truly does – the urge to sacrifice something, that is. Her own life, though? That’s another thing. How could she protect her siblings and fight for her kingdom if she was dead? Sacrificing someone else was fine, as long as it wasn’t someone she had to protect, including herself.

Evidently, the person to who she’s been assigned doesn’t see it the way she does.

She came to learn that when in the heat of battle. They were all surrounded by flows of the Corrupted, unrelenting, the distant cackle of Griss coming to her hears. Kagetsu himself was flanked by Prince Diamant and Princess Ivy, his own liege, sword drawn and ready to strike, while flames burned in the distance and smoke stung his eyes. Despite the fact he had just exhausted his power to engage with her, she could still feel the way his legs cramped, the twitch in his sword arm after using it for so long and, most of all, the pain of the one injury he had sustained.

She couldn’t communicate with him much in this context, so she could only worry about him and the way he wouldn’t ask Princess Ivy for a quick heal with the staff she carried on her back – while she was busy blasting away with Bolganone in hands, Diamant could keep the Corrupted away for long enough so Ivy could patch her retainer.

He then froze. An archer had his eyes set on Ivy. She had her eyes somewhere else. A bleeding wound adorned her right thigh.

She couldn’t quite see Kagetsu’s face with the smoke and the way she had to hover without obscuring his vision, but what she felt spoke more than enough for him. Adrenaline pulsed in his body, so did an urge to protect his friends, and no thought was spared to his own safety. Like a good retainer, he’d throw it all away for the sake of his liege, exchanging his life for hers.

No, don’t take Princess Ivy! She heard his heart cry. Take me instead!

He rushed ahead, what was left of his ponytail dangling in the wind, blood already flowing from his left leg yet leaving no limp behind.

Diamant’s voice acted before his body ever did.

“Kagetsu, wait—”

But it was too late. His blade had already struck the archer, and an arrow had already lodged itself in his abdomen.

It’s since then all crashed down on poor, poor Kagetsu, who got sternly recommended to keep the bed by a child maybe half his size. Unable to protest in his state, he was no match for the youthful resilience of Jean, doctor in becoming, with assistance from stubborn Steward Framme. It’d have been cute, if she didn’t feel concern and so much of Kagetsu’s shame through the bracelet he was still holding on to.

Even now, watching over him in bed, she feels the shame, watches him try to toss and turn, only for his teeth to grit together. It’s an upsetting thing, even with her experience; they’re friends, and friends don’t ever like seeing their friend suffer in any way.

“I don’t understand it,” he tells her, even if it comes off as thinking out loud.

“What don’t you understand?”

Through their bond, she can tell he is upset – anxious, even, which comes off as a foreign concept to someone like Kagetsu. Moral pain like this is something that clashes with his usual personality. Perhaps there are more layers to him than she’d have thought?

“I don’t understand why Princess Ivy and Prince Diamant were so… upset. It’s like I did something wrong and it’s hurt them!”

Ah, figures.

Camilla did easily read the anguish on Ivy’s face, yes. She could tell with one insisting gaze that she was going through a lot of emotions, and while she isn’t able to tell with perfect accuracy due to not being linked to her at the moment, she can hazard a very solid guess as to what she was thinking – if just because their experiences haven’t been so different and because Kagetsu, ever the social butterfly, sees his liege a lot of the time and chats her up into unveiling some information about herself.

Although, there may be very little guessing on her part required to begin with, when she had the aftermath of the seemingly senseless sacrifice play out before her very eyes.

As soon as Ivy had finished defeating the Corrupted obscuring her view and flanking her, she had glanced back at her retainer, who now had an arrow in his side – a feat rare enough to be cited, both for the very fact it wasn’t in an easier area to reach, and for it to have lodged itself between two ribs.

She was about to scream his name, from what Camilla could see near the bracelet; but her voice was caught in her throat before she could, right as Kagetsu folded like paper onto himself.

The staff she was clutching in her hands was on the verge of rupturing, Diamant was bleeding from what Camilla could guess to be a deep gash in his side, but he insisted on her using it on Kagetsu, by virtue of him still standing and the swordman not, spotting the arrival of Framme.

So Ivy used the remaining energy left in the staff on her retainer, the tool breaking into dust as his eyes fluttered back open, an extraordinary weight to his eyelids preventing them from opening fully. His leg wound was now doing better, but the arrow remained in his chest. Right as she asked him, almost without a breath, how he was doing, his sole answer was smiling.

“I’m glad you are fine, Princess Ivy,” he said before falling back asleep.

Ivy wasn’t handling it as well as one whose father and concubines led a life of debauchery and deadly power games should’ve, in Camilla’s eyes, but she understood it. Beruka and Selena were far more important to her than political games, at the end of the day. Associate a name, a voice and a personality to a body, and then you’re suddenly much more affected by their blood flowing from their wounds. Figures.

Still, she carried on nonetheless: she brought Kagetsu on top of her wyvern to safety, watched the battle end by Diamant’s side, asked about the way he limped, scrutinized his denial, asked Framme to look at it. Kept an eye on Kagetsu. Almost refused treatment to be bedside vigil. Discussed his stillness with Zelkov, who didn’t even bother hiding all sorts of concerns. Let Jean take a look at her wound, in silence. Remained there once it was bandaged. Still watched over Kagetsu, stoic anguish never vanishing.

“Why did he do such a thing?” She asked, thinking out loud, at long last. “Putting himself in harm’s way on purpose… How reckless of him.”

There was no surprise in her voice.

“I suppose he did so to protect you,”

There was also no surprise in Zelkov’s as he replied.

“I can defend myself just fine.”

Diamant stared at the scene in silence from where he sat, nearby, face distorted.

“As any retainer would do,” he commented, eyes squinted, nailed into the form of his colleague.

“Then may he never do that again,” she immediately retorted, clutching her arms even closer to the rest of her body. “I’d have survived that without issue. He didn’t need to kill himself over me.”

The protest wasn’t a matter of pride, or else, Zelkov might’ve commented on it.

“I’m afraid it might happen again in any upcoming battle,” he told her instead. “Kagetsu and I have the mission to serve and protect you.”

“Even at the cost of your life?”

“Yes, even if it might cost us our lives.”

“Absolutely repulsive.” She was on the verge of crying. “Is he going to be fine…?”

“He should be,” Framme chimed in, now that she was done with Diamant’s leg.

“Should be?”

Framme’s shoulders shot up, stiff.

“It’s, uh… never certain. But he really should be okay! Jean’s just gonna check him over once he can and he’ll be able to go on his merry way! After some rest, of course.”

“He better be fine after this is all said and done. I won’t let him throw his life away for… such pointless reasons! I can’t… lose anyone again. Not after Hortensia and I had to…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, but judging by Zelkov and Diamant’s reactions, she didn’t need to.

Grief may’ve been the one thing linking the three of them together.

Once more, this doesn’t seem to be how Kagetsu views it – or perhaps he lacks knowledge of it. Losing blood and going through intense pain does tend to tinge someone’s memory or even bleach them away. Let her see how he conceives it, then.

“You didn’t do something wrong per say,” she starts explaining, for a second picturing a sister’s confusion at their brother’s upset. “But you did something that would bring pain to those who’re closest to you, dear.”

“In what way?” He sounds so genuinely confused, and in that moment, Camilla can only understand Ivy’s pain even further. “All I did was defend my friends. Princess Ivy could have been severely hurt.”

“What about Prince Diamant? I recall you being injured as well even before the arrow struck, Kagetsu.”

“He could have gotten hurt too.”

He ignores the second part entirely, then.

“But he was just as qualified as you were to take the enemy down before they could struck Princess Ivy.”

“I’m Princess Ivy’s retainer,” he chews back, even if it lacks strength (very much because his body has all sorts of protests against the exertion). “It’s my mission to keep her safe. It is not Prince Diamant’s mission.”

Camilla wants to ask if this could apply to Zelkov as well, only to bite back on it because asking seems to be a bit of pointless endeavour.”

“Then I suppose I can only hope to make you understand why they both were so upset, Kagetsu.”

His face lightens up.

“Oh, pray and tell! It sounds like very useful information to know.”

She shifts, crossing her arms and float-sitting on the empty chair next to the bed. Framme left a little while ago, but not without a promise to come back soon. It was something about a potion and reinforcement, if she recalls correctly, but this isn’t the focus of her thoughts.

“I too had retainers in my lifetime. They were both very dear to me, to a point where it pained me when they’d get hurt, especially on my behalf.” She sighs. “Of course, protecting one’s liege is the most important mission of a retainer, and both Princess Ivy and I understand that. Still, it didn’t mean I didn’t feel guilt for letting them get hurt on my behalf – or getting hurt at all, come to think of it.”

“You would feel… guilt?”

“Among all sorts of negative emotions, yes.”

“But then, why feel upset?”

“Because they were people who I cared deeply about, and like you, I didn’t like seeing my loved ones hurt in any way. I’ve killed for them, and I’d do it again even today.” He looks slightly horrified, which prompts her to let go a little of the bloodied details of a life long past gone. “Princess Ivy cares about you in a similar way, so even if you think you did good protecting her, she’s been upset to see you hurt – just like you’d have been would your positions have been inverted.”

“So, I caused Princess Ivy pain because she cares for me?”

“Indeed.”

He remains silent for a moment, leaning back into the pillow. He looks defeated.

“Then, if I had avoided that arrow… She would not have been hurt.”

This really isn’t what Camilla wanted him to conclude. What a stubborn soul.

Unfortunately, before she can disprove his flimsy theory, he continues.

“I wish my strange powers would not be so useless. If they were not, then perhaps… perhaps I could have seen it coming, and I could have protected Princess Ivy without upsetting her by getting hurt.”

“This isn’t what I wanted you to understand,” she replies. “Your powers may’ve stopped it from happening this time, but it wouldn’t fix the issue.”

His eyes, which are still slightly glazed over, grow wider, before his face hardens again.

“What would fix the problem, then, Camilla?”

He asks that with a flame in his eyes and no chill going down his spine – a far cry from a moment ago. The bright smile has always hidden a sharp blade underneath, and now, it’s pointed towards her, light lining its edge.

“Sometimes, you can’t avoid getting hurt, especially in combat. Ivy understands that as much as you do. However, what hurt wasn’t that you were in pain.” She marks a pause. “What hurt her was that you got hurt in her stead, when you were already hurt and actively hiding it from her. She blames herself for what happened, and combined with the concern it caused her, it was painful to go through. I’d even go as far as to say she’s wondering if you trust her.”

“Oh…”

The lack of bite tells her this is finally dawning on him.

“I know you tried to do good, and deep down, I know Ivy understands that as well. She only got concerned, but that’s why you can’t always jump in front of danger and take hits for other people. What if you had been more grievously injured than you thought? Or worse, what if the blow had been fatal?”

“I see… how that would cause a lot of bad things.”

“Ivy cares about you as a person, and by doing that, you hurt her by accident, just like she would if she got injured in front of you. It’s a fine line to walk, because while you had good intentions, most of the consequences were the complete opposite of what you wanted. You also need to think of your self-preservation, when you think of taking a hit for someone else.”

“I am starting to see…”

“I don’t expect you to learn all of this in one go. If your culture is anything like Hoshido’s, it promotes sacrifice for the sake of the greater good. At least, this is what I got from fighting alongside Hoshidians.”

“Oh, please tell me more! I am curious to know about-”

A knock on the door.

“It’ll have to wait until next time, I’m afraid. It seems like you’ve got a visitor.”

“Oh!” He lightens up. “Come on in, friend!”

The door opens to unveil a slightly less anxious Ivy: her shoulders are hanging lower, her eyebrows are unknitted, and her hands aren’t fiddling as much as they did when Framme was looking over her retainer.

“It’s good to see you’re awake, Kagetsu,” she says with a timid smile. “How are you feeling?”

“A little sore, but I am alive, and soon enough, I will be full of vigour again!”

“I’m certain you will,” she chuckles, but the laugh disappears quickly. “There are things I want to discuss with you.”

She sits down, gaze unfaltering, at which point Camilla decides they deserve some privacy.

#bad things happen bingo #fire emblem #fire emblem engage #camilla (fe14)#kagetsu (fe17)#diamant (fe17)#framme (fe17)#take me instead #bthb

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andlatitude · 2 years ago

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Hey! I've been wanting to do this for awhile, but I could never figure out how to say what I wanted to. I've come to the conclusion that I probably never will, fully, so I'm gonna take a stab at it— it's long, please bear with me.

I don't usually follow blogs like yours; most of the art you post is of OCs or fandoms I'm not a part of and I generally find it hard to be invested in original non-concept art (I really enjoy world-building concepts, but individual characters are harder for me). OC art tends to be snippets, bits and pieces; the random points of a developing character which makes them difficult for me to connect with even when I like the concept or design because they are often smatterings on a page that maybe even the artist doesn't fully comprehend yet.

Your art always connects.

Something about your way with expressions and body movement weaves so much intent into your work; every character conveys so much emotion and personality that I'm immediately drawn in. I can't accurately describe with words how much your art moves me, I don't know how. It sounds so silly, but the best I've come up with is that your characters look really People. They look alive in a way that I haven't quite experienced in art since the 101 Dalmatians era of Disney sketch animation, where the linework always made it feel like the characters were moving even when they were standing still; like they could breathe.

I look at your artwork and I feel the characters in my chest. You did a piece not long ago of two of your OCs sharing a microphone and I felt the awe; that feeling of the world melting away except the other person onstage— that feeling like maybe they are singing the song just for you.

Your art captures the casual intimacy of people just being; scenes like painting nails and other normal, quiet moments that only show when someone feels safe, comfortable. Your work makes 'nothing' moments have weight; there is an artist I discovered recently, Francine Van Hove, who specializes in these types of scenes and some of your work reminds me of hers.

Of all your works though, my favorite is the truth-or-dare comic and it's sequel. The smug satisfaction of calling a bluff, the casual scoff of dismissal of the dare, the confusion then realization, the weight of anticipation— the build-up, the inevitable conclusion. Whenever I see you pop on my Dash I go look through your recent work then hunt through your OC tag for those comics. It doesn't matter how many times I see them, I get hit with the same level of emotion every time.

Whenever I see your work it speaks to me; it makes me think that this is what art is supposed to feel like. I felt like you should know.

God help me if you ever draw a character from one of my favorite shows.

Hopefully this gets through okay; I've been on Tumblr since like 2012 and I still don't really trust the Ask system not to toss messages into the void haha. I hope this message finds you well and that you have a great day.

-Milli :)

Hello!! I really hope it’s okay that I post this. I want to keep it. This means a lot to me, I think it’s way more praise than I feel like I deserve as someone who just draws silly self indulgent stuff for fun. However over the years, the most important thing to me with those drawings has always been conveying emotion. For me it all comes from a place of wanting to express myself and how I feel rather than wanting to “be good at art”.

A message like this telling me that everything I’ve been pouring into my stuff all these years has come across to someone I’ve never met is huge, and incredible, and I don’t even know what to say. I’m really passionate about having that “life” in what I draw, it is what drives me to keep creating, and doing so is such a huge part of who I am. Thank you so much for noticing and for telling me this and for caring about it.

I think those little human moments are the most beautiful, I’m glad I could begin to do a few of them justice. Stuff I make speaking to someone else in any way is the biggest compliment I can get.

Thank you again, I hope your day is wonderful!

#ask #middletone

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danandphilupdates · 2 years ago

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Hi I know this might be a lot to ask since you do so much already but I was wondering if you could copy the interview into a separate post since my computer wont let me click on the link to read it.

for some reason it’s not letting me click it either from my post 😅 anyways here it is:

Known for his sarcastic and self-deprecating style of humor, internet personality Daniel Howell is embarking on his first-ever solo comedy stage show, We’re All Doomed! The tour will stop at the Ellie Caulkins Opera House in Denver on Saturday, November 19.

When there’s so many apocalyptic scenarios threatening to destroy us, it might be tempting to give into the gloom. Howell, on the other hand, is determined to find some hope for humanity—or at least laugh like it’s the end of the world. The show explores the everyday concerns of the average person from social media and celebrity culture to the climate crisis and political turmoil, but with a dark and idiosyncratic sense of humor.

As one of the world’s most successful entertainers, Howell began his career as a content creator and YouTuber in 2009. While making jokes at his own expense, he has shared serious struggles with his sexuality and mental health, which have culminated in his recent special Gay and Not Proud and a bestselling book, You Will Get Through This Night.

Howell took some time to talk about the tour and more with OFM.

Let me begin by asking, how excited are you to travel the world with your first solo comedy tour?

I am incredibly excited to touch some grass, both because it’s good for your mental health and because I don’t leave the house generally. So, it’s very exciting. This whole tour was really just an excuse to get me out of my comfort zone emotionally and physically. So, here I am getting some vitamin D and seeing the world that isn’t just my laptop screen, which is a big, bold move for me. I was living the lockdown life before the pandemic.

What can we expect from We’re All Doomed!?

A show about all the worst things in the world (laughs). We’re all living in this time, and it feels a bit strange now; it’s a bit apocalyptic and bad things just keep on happening, but it’s starting to feel normal. I think all of us are feeling this very strange mood of having to pretend like everything’s normal. Getting dressed and going to work as if the world isn’t completely falling apart, and we’re all kind of screaming on the inside.

What I’ve learned from doing my comedy about myself and my mental health is that when you put things on the table, it might be a bit awkward and scary, but if you can then make an inappropriate joke about it, you instantly feel a lot better. So, why not do a show about all the most horrible things in the entire world? Even if we don’t end up discovering anything useful to give us hope for the future, at least we’ll have had a good laugh about it.

Be honest. Do you think you could ever survive an apocalypse?

Hell, no. As soon as the mobile data cuts out, I will scream until I voluntarily die. I know this. I’m honest with myself. I’m not good in a fistfight, and I have a lack of orienteering skills, so I’ve just got to hope that I can bust out a good party trick that can save me when I’m in a stitch.

You initially began your entertainment career as a content creator and YouTuber in late 2009. Was it always your passion to pursue comedy?

My career is an accident. I never had a plan, and in many ways, I still don’t, but that is what I think makes it authentic. I feel like you can tell that the authenticity of my material comes from a true place of internal screaming, where I wake up every day, look at myself in the mirror, and just go, why? I think the day that I know who I am, what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it, it’s probably the day I retire. So, we’ve got to hope that I still just do things because I am basically bored and lonely.

Have you always been drawn to that self-deprecating, sarcastic style of humor?

Being a Brit, being miserable and sarcastic comes very natural to me (laughs). It’s just how we’re wired, and it’s not necessarily a good thing. I think as time has gone on, we’ve all started to be a bit like, alright, there has to be a certain point with the self-deprecation where you turn around and go, you OK? I’ve started to work that into the material a little bit. I still need to get past my own social barriers by cracking a lot of uncomfortable jokes at my expense until the audience starts being like, dude, stop. He’s already dead. But yeah, it’s my natural instinct, for sure.

Ultimately, what do you hope audiences take away from your shows?

I hope that they come and have a good time. A lot of people are not leaving the house as much as they used to. They’re trying to find reasons to look forward to something, and I want to give people something like a night they can really look forward to, where they can come together in a room. Especially my queer audience. I want them to know that when they come to one of my shows, it is absolutely a place where they are welcome.

They can relax and be whoever they can be, and that’s very beautiful because over the years, the followers that I’ve had, they’ve grown with me and evolved, and there’s quite a lot of young, queer people that feel like they finally have a place where they’re allowed to be. There’s something quite beautiful about that. If we can feel a bit better about the impending doom and maybe feel like we’ve got each other’s backs, then I’ll feel like I’ve ticked the box.

As a comedian, do you believe there are certain subjects that should never be joked about?

I think all subjects are on the table, but it depends on what your perspective is. It’s the whole concept about punching up or punching down. I can make jokes about my gay friend being depressed because I’ve been there, and I have something to say about it. If you haven’t, you can look quite ignorant and end up saying something quite hurtful, and I think anyone has the power to do this.

You can’t speak for someone else’s experience. You should try not to support any harmful stereotypes that affect people day to day because I’m sure all queer people know that growing up in the 90s, especially for me, all these homophobic jokes on TV had an impact on how I grew up. It was terrible, and it gave me some of that delicious, internalized homophobia that I’m still in therapy trying to talk about.

It’s that thing where you should stick to making the jokes at your own expense because there’s a difference between just trying to be edgy and then trying to actually do some good material about something that might seem quite raw or cutting edge. If it’s your experience, not only do I think that you’ll be able to have something to say about it, but I think it makes it so much more real and raw.

When I started, I was always trying to be quite relatable. I was like, oh, aren’t people annoying when they talk in the movies? Then seven years later, I was like, I’ve got crippling depression! There was something about that where not only was it more captivating because I was being honest about what I was saying, but I think it was funnier because people could tell that it came from a real place. That’s why I think people talking from their perspective with their experiences, that’s the best kind of stuff.

You pretty much went off the YouTube grid for three years and came back earlier this year with a bang. Can you talk a bit more about what that was about?

Definitely. I started making content on YouTube as a hobby when I was 18, and I just kept doing it for, like, a decade. At no point during that did I question it, and I grew up completely just online. What I was doing, my material, and my creative process evolved a lot, but I never took a moment to take a pause, look around, and go, what am I doing? Why am I doing this?

I think with the pandemic, a lot of us had this experience where life was put on pause and we found ourselves looking around going, what am I doing? Why? What’s the point? For me, I wanted to make sure that everything I was doing, I was doing it for the right reasons because I was passionate about it, it excited me, and because I was inspired to do it. That’s what I’m trying to do with this tour and the stuff that I’m currently making. Not worrying about where it’s going, but be like, do I enjoy this?

You also made a coming out video, correct?

Yes, I did. I came out in a 45-minute-long YouTube video.

How was the response to that?

It was incredible. We know that the internet and culture has changed a lot, and we should always be grateful for where we are. The world isn’t perfect, and it still has quite a lot of problems, but if you think about what it was like 5-10 years ago, it is a very different place today. I was still quite scared that if I did this, would I lose half of my audience? Are people going to feel angry? Are they going to feel betrayed?

Instead, the patience, kindness, and empathy that I was met with was so absolutely incredible, and it was all the people that were like, I’m watching this, and this is my story. I didn’t know how much I needed someone else to say it for me to realize that so many of us in this world have the exact same stories, which is why representation is so important. You need someone to go, that’s me, and that’s what I was missing my whole life while growing up.

And now you’re a role model to so many.

Yeah, I do say I’m a realistic role model, which means do not expect me to be a perfect person. I will continue to be a disaster. The realistic role model is, you can learn from my mistakes. It’s my job to fuck up constantly. I will have the worst personal life, professional life, I’ll just be a complete idiot, and you can look at me and go, “I’m going to not do everything that Dan did.”

Are you still working on your sitcom Dan Is Not OK?

I am. I spent a couple years telling everybody to go away because we knew who we were going to make it with, and now I’m going back over to them being like, hello (laughs). Do that. So, it’s definitely one of those things that, presuming I survive this tour, I’ll be really excited to get into that and a few other things. It is bold to assume that I will survive the tour because it’s going almost halfway into 2023. Do we think the world will still be around by then? I mean, it’s getting kind of crazy out there.

What are some other future goals you hope to accomplish with your career and platform?

I want to just continue doing stuff that exposes all my flaws so people feel better about their own lives. I think that’s definitely my niche. People are like, please Dan, bleed out on camera so that I can look at you and go ha ha, that’s funny. I won’t do that, so I’m glad I can do that for people. I am also always willing to try new things, like writing and acting.

I used to do a lot of acting as a child because I was one of those theatre gays. Not to stereotype myself, but there’s something about being on stage that I love, and it’s great to have an audience that supports me no matter where I go. Whether it’s a book, tour, or doing stuff online, I’m very grateful for that, and I’m sure there will always be plenty of things wrong with me and the world for me to talk about.

Before we wrap up, are there any other upcoming projects or anything else you would like to mention or plug?

I want to say thank you to the people that are watching the YouTube series, Dystopia Daily. I was like, how can I ironically do a show about someone who’s having a mental breakdown because they hate YouTube? Then I was like, let’s do a show about that. That sounds fun. Then there’s the tour, and as I said, if I manage to come back in one piece without walking into the show in Iceland and disappearing forever, I’ll see people on the other side.

#2022 #dan tour #november 2022 #november #dan interview #daniel howell

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alister312 · 2 years ago

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Hello! I’m Alister and below the cut you can find my about me/intro post for the SP Olympics event :)

For starters, my favorite ship is of course Gregstophe aka Gregory/Christophe from the movie. I’ve got various metas and fics about them if you’re looking for characterization inspiration (or scenes for drawing inspiration 👀 my gregstophe tsot fic is my current passion project). You can find all the important stuff in my pinned post. I love them both individually as well, though I do slightly favor Christophe 😅. I’ve also got more ships with him that I enjoy, namely Damstophe (Damien/Christophe), Kenstophe (Kenny/Christophe), and Tophlovski (Christophe/Kyle)

My second favorite ship is by far Style! I love most anything with them, but particularly fond of their Stick of Truth sonas. I’m just very drawn to the concept of regal elf king Kyle in love with his noble and faithful human knight Stan (who is definitely in love with him too)… it’s a very good concept to me. I also really like very regular AUs with them, just like high school or college or domestic stuff. The one thing I will say is that I’m not really a fan of the bleached hair Stan design but otherwise go nuts!

I have a fun AU I adore that I tag as “Kendy vs the World” but usually just call it my “kendy scott pilgrim au”. As you can probably guess, it’s a Scott Pilgrim AU with Kenny as the titular Scott Pilgrim and Wendy as Ramona Flowers. Other roles include Marjorine as Knives, Henrietta, Thomas, and Clyde as Kim, Stephan, and Young Neil respectively, Kyle as Envy Adams, and Christophe as Wallace Wells. Wendy’s (Ramona’s) exes are Tolkien (Matthew Patel), Gregory (Lucas Lee), Stan (Todd Ingram), Bebe (Roxy Richter), Kevin McCormick and Kevin Stoley (Ken and Kyle Katayanagi), and lastly Cartman (Gideon Graves). It’s mostly based off the movie because I’ve seen that and I’ve only read a few of the graphic novels.

I have a few children of ships I ship that you can find if you search the tag “sp next gen” on my blog! You’re welcome to ask me more about them if you like (I have a google doc of lore) but honestly just seeing those scamps doing whatever (either with each other or their parents) would make my day 🥰

Favorite characters (besides any in previous mentioned ships I like) are Damien, Kenny, Red, Bebe, and Craig. For Craig in particular I really like Youth Pastor Craig… I’m a sucker for religious imagery! Him with Imp Tweek or Angel Kenny makes me feral every time.

I’ve got a lot of rather rarepairs that I love and always love to see! You can ask for others if you’d like but off the top of my head I think my favorites are Dyde (Damien/Clyde), Rola (Red/Lola), and Lanskov (Corey Lanskin/Davey Solokov). They may not make much sense to you but I like them lots :3

If you’re still not sure what exactly I’d be into or wanna hear more headcanons/preferences of mine, I am absolutely open to chatting or being sent anons! I love talking about pretty much anything ever

In the end, I’ll probably be happy if people do anything for me at all, so don’t stress too hard about it! I’m very excited to participate in this cool event 😎

#sp olympics #hype for the event!! i know it’s still a month away BUT

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casseyeyey · 2 years ago

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Being blocked truly is a blessing in disguise. I would have never had the guts to leave, and I would have continued to talk to you when I know I shouldn’t. You weren’t good to me. You weren’t healthy for me either. I did everything and more and went above and beyond and I couldn’t even receive the bare minimum. So honestly, thank you. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my time with you. I definitely did, and I look back on our memories on fondly. I can say that our memories is probably one the best memories I’ve ever had. I’ll never forget the feelings I felt when I was with you and if I could, I would turn back time to when things were good between us. I would turn back time to when you and I were at our happiest and most comfortable with each other. To this day, one of my favorite memories is the 3 day weekend we spent when my parents were out of town and it was the first time we saw each other after a month of not seeing each other because we both had Covid haha. It was probably the first time I’ve ever seen you excited to see me. Like truly excited, the first time I’ve ever seen you run towards me and kiss me so passionately. It was the moment that I saw you for the first time after not seeing each other for a while is what I am forever drawn by, not the time we spent together. The time we spent together though was honestly perfect. It was the earlier stages of our relationship and it amazed me how there was no pressure, and everything went so smoothly like it was already planned. But nothing was planned. That’s the best part. We did so much that weekend. We cooked something new for the first time and it was so good, we built a fort, and we just messed around a lot as well… It’s hard to process that we are where we are now. I never saw this coming. Ultimately, I knew we weren’t meant to last, but I also didn’t think we’d end like this. I honestly cannot process the kind of position that we are in and it ended with my biggest fear in a relationship. That one day, you were going to wake up one day, and just decide that you don’t love me anymore. As far as I knew, your love for me was still at 100%, but the next day, it’s just all gone. Honestly though, I probably deserved it. This was my karma. I’ve done exactly that before, and I realized how shitty that was of me. I can’t seem to grasp the idea that we’re actually really over… A part of me is still holding onto hope that you’ll realize that you still love me and that you’ll come back, but I know that’s not true. I know that, you’re ready to move on. That this chapter of our’s, you’re ready to move onto the next. But our chapter, this chapter is the one I can’t seem to let go of. I just keep rereading it and replaying it in my head. I don’t want to let go, but I know that I have to. Because, my love for you may have been the most intense love I’ve ever felt in my life, but I now know, I deserve better. I deserve someone who will acknowledge my love and efforts. I deserve to be protected at all costs emotionally and physically. I deserve fucking flowers for once at least! I deserve someone who wants to understand me and my feelings. I deserve someone who will communicate with me with whatever is on their mind. I deserve someone who understands reassurance and empathy without me having to explain the concept and importance of it. I deserve to be loved, understood, and cared for with the utmost respect. The fact that I had to ask for it, means you weren’t the one for me. You were never ready to be in a relationship to begin with. What sucks is I knew all of this. I knew everything and I just decided to ignore it. I knew you weren’t ready and I knew we weren’t going to last, but the feelings I had for you, made me think otherwise… I think truly, we were meant to be, just not right now. And if it not ever, then we are still meant to be, we just weren’t meant to last… I’ll love you always Anthony Luu.

#al #icanneverbethesame #iloveyou

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controlledarrhythmia · 9 months ago

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I have such strong opinions about this one honestly. People calling him Ben has always made me feel a bit weird as a trans person myself who takes my name and my deadname very seriously. And while I’m in no way claiming that Kylo is trans (though I have nothing against the headcanon) I still think a comparison can absolutely be drawn here.

I’ve always made it a point to use the name that correlates with the time period I’m referring to, meaning that if I’m referring to any time before Luke’s school was burnt down I will call him Ben. But any time after that? Kylo.

I feel like people don’t realize how big of a thing changing his name must have been for him. What that must have symbolized in his life. You don’t just change your name for no reason; this was a deliberate attempt to separate himself from his past, and deliberately not respecting that and calling him Ben anyway is just strange.

On the topic of Rey calling him Ben, that one has always especially thrown me off. The way she uses the name Ben feels like a very intentional attempt to bring him back to who he was before and discredit his own sense of self.

One could argue that when he went back to the light he went back to being Ben, and while I personally disagree with this and don’t believe he would ever really want to use that name again, I can see where this argument is coming from. My issue with that is that… he hadn’t yet gone back to the light when Rey started calling him that. Even if he would eventually go back to using Ben, I don’t think he was ready to be called that yet when Rey just decided to anyway.

Can you imagine how uncomfortable that realistically would’ve made him? It’s a name Kylo went by during a time he clearly wasn’t happy. A time Kylo probably doesn’t even want to think about, and here Rey is casually calling him Ben as if it means nothing.

I also want to talk about two specific scenes in regards to this topic. Those being Han and Kylo’s conversation in Force Awakens, and Rey saying “Ben’s hand” in Rise of Skywalker.

“Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him.”

That is what Kylo says to Han immediately after removing his helmet. The line is— admittedly —a bit of an extreme one, but I don’t think it can be entirely excused as over-exaggeration. Kylo clearly either doesn’t or doesn’t want to view himself as the same person as Ben Solo. Regardless of if they physically are the same person, Kylo doesn’t want people to see him as Ben. Openly ignoring this fact is just plain disrespectful.

As for the line “I did want to take your hand. Ben’s hand”, this is probably the one that gets me worked up the most. One thing I can appreciate about this line is Rey’s recognition of Ben and Kylo as fundamentally different from each other. On the other hand, she also out right tells him that she prefers a version of him she’s never even met.

I will admit, it makes sense to prefer Ben over Kylo because well, Kylo’s a monster, but admitting it straight to his face?

To her the name difference might represent “good” versus “evil”, but to him it represents him “then”versus him “now”. I can’t even begin to imagine how hurtful it would be to hear someone say they prefer the version of me that was absolutely miserable with my life.

In conclusion? It’s weird and kind of gross to not respect the name a person goes by, regardless of the context in which they chose it.

This was longer than I meant it to be and probably not very coherent because I don’t feel like going over the whole thing to check for mistakes, but… like I said at the start, I’m very passionate about this.

Anyway, the trans allegories are strong with this one.

Calling Kylo Ren "Ben" feels like deadnaming him

Here me out: Ben was feeling fundamentally altered after his traumatic experience with Luke Skywalker, and as part of separating himself from it, he chose a new name.

So referring to him as "Ben" feels like denoting who he was before, and "Kylo" for who he is afterward.

In that way, I feel like Rey insisting on calling him "Ben" after she learns that name is sort of disrespectful of his decision to distance himself from his family.

Though, I acknowledge him distancing himself through his name does ring a bit hollow when you remember his near-constant comparisons of himself to Darth Vader, BUT I would argue that that was implanted by Palpatine.

Because fundamentally Palpatine didn't care to acknowledge that his Grand Plan was just fuckin wrong, yet he's trying so hard to hold on to all that work he'd done.

But he's just a stubborn, vain man, and it would've been baller to see a Kylo that chose that name for himself.

ALSO!! Wouldn't it be baller if he chose the name "Kylo", no last name? Wouldn't that coincide so very well with "Rey", no last name?? The dichotomy of someone with no family because his family was slowly killing him, vs someone with no family who was only staying alive for the hope they'd be there for her?

And while we're on the topic of Rey, I can respect her taking on the last name "Skywalker" IF Luke had shown that he, y'know,, liked her at all? He seemed pretty begrudging about the whole thing to me.

Wouldn't it have been cool for her to adopt the name "Palpatine" as a way to reclaim power from that horrible man?

#is this a hot take?#probably #I might post more about the trans allegories in Kylos story eventually #I just didn’t want to drag this on any longer than I already did #as for the Rey Skywalker thing?#i’d never thought about it that way honestly

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yanahsworld · 2 years ago

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Mi favorite songs at the moment

Music has always been important to me. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t listen to my favorite songs when I’m studying, writing, reading, traveling or just relaxing in my room. These can be brand-new songs or old favorites that I’ve been fascinated with for a long time. I’ll share five of my current favorite songs with you in this blog post along with some information about each one. Enjoy reading and listening! :)

Pied Piper by BTS

Back when I was a full Kpop Stan I was very obsessed with BTS and ironically my favorite song by them was Pied Piper. I was already curious about the title because I know a little bit about the story about the Pied Piper but didn’t pay much attention to it. As time went on I found myself in a deeper obsession with them. Posters, saving all the videos and pictures, never missing a vlive, downloading their games, and buying some merch. Luckily one day I came to the light. I finally decided to look up the word behind the song and as I was reading my jaw dropped and tears started to come down. The song was literally telling about how we’re drawn into them so much to the point where it’s taking over what we do in our daily lives and that we can’t focus nor turn away from them, we’re hooked on them, they’re our obsession and that we can’t push them away no matter how hard we try. I also remember one specific line that Jungkook said (the maknae of BTS) “this is gonna get you nowhere don’t reject me.” At that moment I knew how the lyrics connected with the title and the origins behind it and that’s when I pretty much took a break from BTS. I rarely focus on them and listen to their music now but when I do carefully analyze the lyrics.

“Stop. Now stop watching and study for your test Your parents and boss hate me Video clips, pictures, tweets, V app, Bon Voyage I know, you can’t help what you like But stop, interpret the music video later.”

Free Love by HONNE

Because Taehyung suggested this song and Jhope sang it with him on their show BTS In The Soop, every time I hear it, I am reminded of the show every time. This song is fantastic. This song is amazing. It's both cool and quite deep. I keep coming back to it. Whatever your opinion of this song may be, let's not minimize what a stunning masterpiece it is.

“I can’t get you all that stuff, but I can give you all my love. Free love, free love."

You know it’s always the simple things.

Black Swan by BTS

Have you ever thought that what you do doesn’t make sense anymore, that you no longer feel the same passion as before? How do you feel lost?

It’s one of the sensation that happens the most to artists of any field, dance, music, plastics, etc. Losing inspiration is a common thing in the world, feeing divided. That’s where the group BTS is based, to compose their masterpiece BLACK SWAN.

Black Swan is a song by BTS from the album Map of The Soul: 7 (2020) written by BTS leader and rapper Kim Namjoon and August Rigo, Clyde Kelly.

The song starts with the verse: “I heard from someone whose heart, no longer beats with the same passion while listening to music, I try to take it in.” It feels like time has stopped, I realize that could be my first death, the one that has scarred me my whole life. If my art can be no longer make me feel, if it no longer makes my heart beat, that’s probably what it would feel when I first die. But what if my time has come?”

The song is about fears, frustrations, ego, good side and bad side. To be an artist is to depend on creativity and inspiration, and this, at any time you can fail, leave or disappear. BTS talk about how, maybe the only thing that keeps you happy in the world, can also make you a bad play.

But how can an artist stay on a level? For love or for ego, your swan black

Considered by many experts, one of the best BTS songs, combine singing, rap, and dancing, based on the famous Swan story black Alluding with his movements and poignant lyrics to the inevitable feeling of fear an artist may come to feel.

BTS bases their discography on the archetypes of psychoanalyst Jung, one of those is the “shadow”, Black Swan goes inside that archetype, where the feelings we most hide, achieve and hold.

Somebody Out There by A Rocket To The Moon

This is one of my favorite song of A Rocket to The Moon. I found this song when I’m scrolling to my Facebook news feed. This song mentioned small things/gestures, that’s how important it is. Love was not being defined by the expensive gifts, it is about those little things and efforts. Or on how you show your care to your partner. Like even in a simple call just to hear your voice and just to say hello, and simple “how are you my love?” means a lot. Don’t leave your partner confuse and questioning. (maam wala po akong jowa mema content lng po ito hehe.) Make them feel love, and make them feel that it was real.

I hope you find your “somebody out there”. Always remember that you deserve the world. Nothing less. So if you are listening and thinking about one person and you think that he/she portrays all the things that the song mentioned, you’re lucky enough to say it out loud that found your “somebody out there” I wish you happiness and strength to face all the challenges that is coming.

“There somebody out there who’s looking for you, someday will find you and I swear that it’s true.”

Hi Bye, Goodnight by DANIEL

When my classmate Zoe suggested this song to me last week, I was overjoyed. When I first start listening to this song, I really wonder why it isn't more well-known, especially since the singer has such a lovely and great voice. I also find the music to be quite peaceful. Since I often listen to this song when I'm getting ready for bed, it has become one of my favorites. This is a masterpiece that everyone should hear!

“Tell me where we can be When the flowers bloom I’d be lost without you In the endless hours Goodnight.”

Have you already picked your top song favorites? I hope you enjoy reading about my current favorite music. I appreciate you reading and listening. :*

#Spotify

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venusgirltarot · 3 years ago

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Your Next or First Time With Them 18+ — [♡] ;

Disclaimer: This reading is for entertainment purposes only. Tarot readings are about possibilities based on your current energy. Energy is forever changing and nothing is set in stone. Always remember, you have your own free will to make whatever decision you feel is best.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, envision the person you are thinking of and then choose the pile(s) you feel most drawn to.

Pile 1 ┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。

Pile 1, you may not have seen your person for awhile, you could be in separation, or this is long distance. It could also just be that it’s been awhile. I’m getting that you may have just had a child and this will be your first time with your person since having your child. Your next time with them will be very meaningful/important to them. It could even be your first time with them. Something about it is very, almost spiritual for them. They want to make it special. It could start with you teasing them or trying to take control in some way. Your person could be very dominant. They end up taking control. They really want to watch you please yourself. I think they want to bring you to an almost euphoric state and then just watch you. I’m also getting something about taste. They may want to bring food into it or even do it in the kitchen. They want to be in control and bring you as much joy and pleaser as possible. Their main focus is more on how you feel and they how they feel although I am seeing that they will really like when you go down on them. I’m also getting that they just really enjoy your company. They will like to just sit and talk to you after. They really like being around you and the conversations you two have. They may make you wait to finish or edge you. There’s a lot about waiting/holding back. This could also have something to do with your current situation with them outside of the bedroom. They’ll want to go for multiple rounds and most likely in multiple rooms. I’m seeing the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and possibly even outside like in a patio area. I’m hearing “indulge in you” you may have confidence issues and they really want to help you with this. They want to show you how they feel about you and your body and they want you to see yourself the way they see you. They may want to do it in front of a mirror. Like doing it from the back with you facing the mirror and I keep getting an image of their hand around your neck. They also may want to cuff you. They could cuff you and make you watch them touch themselves while looking at you. Your person has fantasized about this and planned it out. They know what they want to do to you and they’ve been waiting for it.

18+ card messages: you can take it, tell me how bad you want me, you look so pretty like that, I’ll keep going until you’re shaking, tell me you want it and I’ll give it to you, I like it when you play with yourself, go slow I want a good look at you

Pile 2 ┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。

Pile 2, your last ✨𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗✨ with this person may not have been the best. They may have been inexperienced or finished fast. This time will be different. I’m hearing “devoted to you” they have be aware that they weren’t very good before and they’ve wanted to try again. They may have actually “practiced” with other people or something. Somehow, they’ve gotten better and they’re more confident in their abilities now. I’m getting that they may be really excited to eat you out/give you oral. You’re going to be shocked at how much better they are this time around. You may have fatally already agreed to meet up with them and clicked on this reading to see if you should cancel or not. You do what you feel is best but I do see that for some of you, this may be the best you’ve ever had. You’re going to be looking at this person differently afterwards. Like you’ll be shopping for Christmas present in September for this person 😭 I keep hearing “he’s got that good good” this person may he kind of possessive during. Saying things like “who’s p*ssy is that” or “you’re mine” etc. I’m seeing a male on top with a female under him on her stomach, laying flat with his hand around her neck. It may be kind of rough at times. I’m hearing “I’m gonna pound you” and “you like that, huh” they may want to finish on you/your face. If you’re female, they’ll want you to sit on their face (I’m also seeing something about kissing thighs) and if you’re a male they’ll want to sit on your face. If you’re male, they really like your chest. I’m also seeing something about thigh riding. I’m hearing “we’ll do whatever you want” you’ll want to go all night after one round with this person. I keep getting that you’ll be so surprised at how much they’ve improved and they’ll notice and really like it. They may even get a little cocky. There’s a lot of balance here. Giving and reviving. Maybe even 69. I’m hearing “there’s not a position you won’t do” and “most memorable sex you’ve ever had” and I keep hearing the word “mind blowing” and that song “rough s*x on the bedroom floor hop in the shower she begging for more” (idk the name of it)

18+ card messages: I want to cum on you, wear that dress I like, go slow I want a good look at you, give it to me I want it, I like it when you praise me, you look so pretty like that

Pile 3 ┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。

Pile 3, your next time with this person will come after an argument, breakup, or separation. Coming into union and ending a rough cycle together. This experience for this person will represent the end of this separation. I’m also getting that this could be your first time with this person and you two have just been through breakups/heartache. It will be very sensual and passionate. I keep getting an imagine of someone kissing their way down someone’s torso. If you have boobs, this person loves them and will put a lot of focus/attention on them. They may whisper a lot when they’re talking dirty to you like whispering “I know I know” or “come on, you can take it” I’m also hearing “just like that” they’ll be close to you and whispering in your ear most of the time. They want to worship you and your body. I keep hearing “to be alone” by Hozier. Specifically the lyric “the god that heroin prays to” I’m hearing “addicted to your body” this person has so much love and appreciation for you and your body and will show it to you. They really like your moans/whimpers and will pay attention to detail. If you moan more when they do a certain thing, they’ll do more of that thing. It will be very euphoric and passionate. I’m seeing an image of fireworks. You may shake a lot or not be able to walk when it’s done and you two will probably cuddle a lot or just want to be close to each other afterwards. This person will be very gentle. Like you’re something delicate that they don’t want to break. They’ll also be very good with their tongue and may moan a lot while they’re going down on you. They also really like your butt and will probably kiss it and massage it a lot and look at it when you get up to use the bathroom or something. They really love your body. I’m hearing “religion” by Lana del Rey. They’re going to take their time with you and make you feel as much passion and pleasure as humanly possible.

18+ card messages: cuff me and ride me, you can take it, I like your a** give it to me, your p*ssy tastes so sweet, I want to make you beg, I’ve had wet dreams about you, I want to feel you inside of me, tell me how bad you want me

#free readings #free tarot readings #tarot reader #tarot requests #tarot cards #pac reading #tarot related #tarotblr #collective reading #spirituality #pick a card reading #pick a card #pick a picture #pick a pile

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imagine-a-life-like-this · 3 years ago

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Definitely Not Dating (H.HJ)

Warnings : none i can think of?

Word Count : 1622

Synopsis : all their friends tease them about dating due to how close they were, but they were just friends. or were they?

“Your boyfriend’s here.” My roommate and best friend, Felix, teased after answering the door. Hyunjin was close behind him, chuckling at the joke all our friends made about us.

“Still not dating.” I countered as I stood up from the couch, grabbing my purse. “Where to today?” My words were now directed at Hyunjin who was standing in the doorway, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“I figured we’d go see that play you’re always talking about. There’s a showing downtown tonight.” My eyes lit up when he said that. “I already bought the tickets.” He added with a chuckle.

“Have I ever told you I love you, Hwang Hyunjin?” I asked with a smile, linking my arm with his as we made our way outside and to his car.

“Only everyday.” He countered with a smirk.

“Never mind, I hate you. Ugly.” I unlinked our arms as he opened the door for me, as he always would. As I got in and buckled my seatbelt, I could see Felix in the window, watching us with a teasing grin on his face. I knew exactly what he was thinking, so I flipped him off just as Hyunjin got into the driver’s seat. He looked forward just in time to see Felix return the gesture while sticking his tongue out.

“You two have an odd friendship.” He chuckled as he did up his seatbelt. My phone automatically connected to his car as he usually let me play whatever I wanted to listen to. Our friends would always mention how cute that fact was. Maybe if you had better taste in music, he’d let you play your playlists. I’d always retort, hoping the growing feelings weren’t as obvious as our friends insisted they were.

The next day, I sat at a table in the library with a couple of friends, working on the homework given out that day. My phone, that sat on the table, seemed to vibrate with a text message every few seconds. “Should probably see what they want. It’s probably your boyfriend.” Jeongin teased, nudging me with his shoulder. I rolled my eyes, once again saying that Hyunjin and I weren’t dating.

“It’s probably Felix asking me to pick up something on my way home. Hyunjin said he was going to the dance studio today.” Hyunjin always threw himself into his dances, barely looking at his phone unless it was to pick a song or pause the music. There was absolutely no way he would be texting me right now. But when I picked it up, I was shocked to see it was him.

We should get dinner tonight.

That restaurant you like has an opening tonight. I’ll make the reservations.

We could go stargazing after.

Why aren’t you answering me?

Oh right, you’re studying with Jeongin and Seungmin. Tell them I said hi!

Let me know when you’re done, I’ll pick you up : )

I couldn’t help but smile at the messages, my stomach doing flips as I thought about how this would be a cute date, if it was a date. Dinner and stargazing. “So, what does Felix want?” The teasing tone coming from Seungmin’s lips told me he knew it wasn’t Felix.

“Hyunjin says hi.” I answered, watching as their faces contorted into teasing grins.

“And?” Jeongin prodded, nudging me with his shoulder again.

“And that he’s making reservations at a restaurant before taking me stargazing.” I mumbled under my breath, hoping they wouldn’t hear me. They did.

Hyunjin stayed true to his word and was outside the library doors when Jeongin, Seungmin, and I exited. His long blond hair tied up in that half pony he always did, his bangs falling across his face. I never was one for long, dyed hair before, preferring men with shorter, dark hair. But Hyunjin pulled off the long blond look so well it was hard not to be drawn to him. “Have fun on your date!” Jeongin teased as the two of them took off in the opposite direction of Hyunjin and I.

“Do you think our friends will ever believe we’re just friends?” Hyunjin joked as he slid his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. I giggled to myself, knowing that if I was an outsider looking in, I would think exactly the way they do. But this is how our friendship has been since high school. We’ve always been touchy with each other, cuddling and holding hands.

“Once we’re married to other people.” I joked, trying not to let the hurt I felt at the very thought of him falling in love with someone else evident in my voice.

We sat across from each other at my favourite restaurant, browsing the menu in silence. Soft chatter from the other patrons, and the soft classical music they played filling the comfortable silence between us. If I’m honest, I’ve only been here one other time. My previous birthday, Hyunjin brought me here. It was the first time we’d been somewhere so fancy, and we were quite underdressed, not knowing the dress code for the restaurant. We laughed about how badly we stuck out among the other patrons, but neither one of us cared. That memory alone made it my favourite place.

Hyunjin held my hand from across the table as we ate, catching each other up on our day as if we hadn’t seen each other in ages, even though I saw him yesterday. We rarely went a day without seeing each other, almost as if we had a need to be by each other’s side whenever possible.

We laid beside each other on the blanket Hyunjin brought, staring up at the night sky sparkling with stars. Soft music played from his phone that was laying in between us. He quietly sung along to the songs, and my heart swelled with joy. I absolutely loved listening to him sing, even though he hates singing in front of people. I’m sure I’m the only person that’s ever heard him, and honestly that should be a crime. His voice was my favourite in the entire world, but maybe I’m biased because I love him.

“We’re friends, right?” I asked, silencing his singing, and bringing his attention from the stars to me. I turned my head to face him, our eyes meeting.

“Of course.” He replied almost immediately.

“But are we just friends?” The question hung in the air longer than the first one, but neither one of us moved, our eyes still locked. The weight of his hand in mind suddenly clearer than it’s ever been before.

“What do you mean?” It was as if the words he meant to say were caught in his throat. I could hear it in the way his voice cracked when he answered.

“Our friends always tease us about dating.” I pointed out.

“That’s what friends do.” He smiled, his thumb now running over my knuckles. My skin burned from his touch, but I loved the feeling.

“We’re always holding hands and cuddling.”

“We’re touchy people.” He shrugged. I didn’t bring up the many times he told our other friends that he didn’t like skin ship. He wasn’t much of a hugger unless it was me. But I didn’t bring that up.

“What about all the fancy dinners? The plays? Movies? Stargazing?” I gestured to what we were doing right now with my free hand, refusing to pull my hand away from his, loving the feeling of his hand in mine. I always have.

“I like spoiling you.” Silence fell upon us again as I tried to think of what else to say. So many more things to point out, but I’m sure he had an explanation for it all. The drawers of my stuff at his place, and the drawer of his stuff at my place. The loving captions on pictures we posted of each other. The heart-shaped necklace he gave me one day, our initials engraved on the back of it. He’d have an explanation for it all, that I’m sure of. But there’s one thing he couldn’t explain away.

“I’m in love with you.” The words rolled off my tongue before I could stop them, as if they were meant to be said in that moment. He could explain all the cute moments and thoughtful gifts, saying it’s just the way our friendship is. That’s just how close we were. But the love I have for him isn’t platonic.

My confession hung in the air like a neon sign, and the confidence I once had began to fade. But before I could take it back, his lips were on mine. The same lips I’ve been dreaming about kissing for years, were now pressed against mine in the sweetest kiss I’ve ever experienced. It was a kiss filled with love and passion. A kiss that couldn’t be explained in a platonic way. “We aren’t just friends.” He whispered after pulling away. “I don’t think we ever were.”

He kissed me again when dropping me off at home that night, whispering a quick I love you before I walked into the house I shared with Felix. “How was your date?” Felix teased when he saw I was home.

“Perfect.” I smiled, watching as his eyes widened at the fact I didn’t bant with him.

“You’re not denying that this was a date?” He questioned, fully emerging from the kitchen, where he was most likely baking brownies.

“Why would I?” I kicked my shoes off and placed my purse on the coffee table before sitting on the couch, still on cloud nine.

“Because you always do? You and Hyunjin are just friends.” I smiled and shook my head.

“Hyunjin and I are definitely dating.”

#stray kids imagine #stray kids au #skz au #skz imagine #hwang hyunjin imagine #hwang hyunjin au #hwang hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #bang chan #lee minho #seo changbin

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soramei · 3 years ago

Text

From Resentment (hhj)

Pairing: Hyunjin x Reader (she/her)

Summary: After a fated meeting involving a cute and fluffy puppy, you found yourself drawn to Hwang Hyunjin: the school prince. Everybody in high school loved him. It was hard not to. Not only was he rich, smart, and athletic, but he was also incredibly kind-hearted.

However, one day seemingly out of the blue, everything that you thought Hyunjin was came crashing down.

Now a freshman in university, you were excited to live out your dreams. That was, until Hyunjin came hurtling back into your life like an uncontrolled meteor. His presence threw a curveball on all your plans, and would eventually change your perspective on everything that you thought you knew.

Genre: studentl!hyunjin au, angst, enemies to lovers

Warnings: cursing, tw puking

Word Count: 8.8k

Masterlist

A/N: Not an Intentional update but a hyunjin oneshot!! disclaimer: no aspect of hyunjins personality here was drawn from real life — irl hyunjin is a ray of sunshine <3

You looked at your math homework, proud that you got all the answers correct. Since it was a slow afternoon at your job today, you had extra time to focus on your homework. The boss at the convenience store you worked at allowed you to have your homework out, as long as it was hidden behind the cash register.

As you stared at the rest of your homework, you started to feel the weight of tenth grade pile up on you. Because it was your first year of high school, you were still trying to adjust to everything; your grades, your teachers, and all the new students walking around the halls.

You stuffed the rest of your homework in your backpack. It was the end of your shift, and you wanted to go home as soon as possible to start with the rest of your studying. Crap. No matter how hard you tried to zip up your backpack, it wouldn’t close. After trying one more time, the zipper tore from your backpack.

You cursed under your breath. You couldn’t afford to buy a new backpack right now.

You had just been able to afford your new school uniform by taking up extra shifts at the convenience store, and you still needed money for your grandmother’s prescriptions. You sighed, annoyed to have another monetary stressor weighing on your shoulders.

Walking outside with your now torn backpack, your eyes widened at the group of boys in front of you. You immediately recognized them from behind.

The school princes. These three seniors were all known for three things: being extremely smart, handsome, and talented.

On the left was Seungmin, and from what you’ve heard, he was the smart and quiet one. He was always helping the teachers, being the class president and all. Any time a girl or a boy needed academic help, Seungmin was there and happy to assist.

The person on the right was Jisung. With his charming and charismatic personality, he had dated tens upon tens of girls in his grade. Just in the last year. It helped that he was really good looking — and also stinkin’ rich. His father was a notorious restaurateur, and with him being the first son, he was basically given unlimited spending rights.

The only person richer than Jisung was the boy in the center of them both: Hwang Hyunjin. This boy was the school prince. The prince of princes. He somehow managed to participate in music clubs, engage in study groups, and captain the soccer team all the while keeping up excellent grades. Every girl that Jisung had dated was said to have been rejected by Hyunjin first. That was his only flaw: he was notoriously cold to any and all romantic confessions.

You followed behind the three princes, staring at your torn up sneakers. You knew you didn’t exist in their world, but even being near three handsome and rich teenage boys made you nervous.

Suddenly, you heard a whimper coming from behind a bush to the left of you. It sounded like a hurt animal.

Worried and curious, you walked over to the bush to see what it was.

It was a puppy. Small and fluffy, it looked up at you with it’s beady black eyes and cried out. His paw was bleeding.

You panicked. Having never seen a hurt puppy before, you had no idea what to do. You called out for help.

“Help!” you cried, hoping that somebody had heard your call for help. You desperately wanted to help this hurt puppy, but you hesitated to touch it, afraid that you would hurt the animal even more.

The puppy howled in pain, making your panic rise. You were about to call out for help again, when you heard somebody running up behind you.

“What is it?” The voice asked.

“I-I don’t know. I just saw this dog here, and-and his paw is bleeding,” you anxiously stuttered.

“Here, let me take a look.”

You heard the voice behind you, so you shuffled over to make room.

It was Hwang Hyunjin. The person that responded to your cry for help was the most popular and well-liked person in the school. You were shocked, a bit intimidated actually, so you silently moved to the side for him. His black hair shone in the sunlight as he bent down to examine the dog.

“Come here, boy,” he chirped. The puppy listened, and started limping to him. “Something hurt you, didn’t it.”

He stood up, picking the puppy up along with him.

“C’mon,” he gestured with his head, “my vet isn’t too far from here actually. We can make it by walking.”

You silently nodded and followed him.

He was right. The walk to the veterinarian clinic, though very awkward, wasn’t too far. The clinic was empty at this time of day, with the receptionist being the only person in the room.

“Hyunjin! Always a pleasure,” the receptionist beamed. It seemed like Hyunjin’s likeability wasn’t only confined to your school. “My, what do we have here?”

“There’s something wrong with his paw,” Hyunjin tried to show the receptionist where the blood was coming from, “is the doctor free right now?”

“As a matter of fact, he is,” the receptionist said whilst checking the schedule. “I’ll take this little boy to the back where he can get prepped for the veterinarian.”

Hyunjin handed the puppy carefully to the receptionist. The receptionist took out a crate for the dog, put him in, and then disappeared through the back door. The two of you were now left alone in the waiting room.

“Uhm,” you coughed, “thank you. I know you probably want to get back to your friends, so you can leave now.”

“No, I’ll stay,” he looked at you and smiled, “those idiots are just playing LOL at the PC room anyways. Plus, I want to see how this little boy turns out.”

You smiled back at him, nodding your head. A few moments of awkward silence passed.

“I’m Hyunjin by the way,” he said.

“I know. I’m Y/n.”

“You’re in your first year, right?” he said, looking at the colour of your uniform.

“Yeah, it’s so hard to get used to though. I’m trying my best with my homework, but I think this school stuff just doesn’t click with me,” you rambled.

“Oh?”

“I want to go into dance. I’ve never been able to afford professional lessons, but I’ve always wanted to go to university for dance. My grandparents said they would let me if my school grades were high.” You didn’t know why you were giving your life story to Hyunjin. He just had this natural charisma that made you want to spill everything to him. It was the way he looked at you with those cat-like eyes.

“I know what you mean. It took me forever to convince my parents for me to major in dance. I got in by early admittance, but I’m sure they still have their reservations about my major.”

“You’re majoring in dance?” you asked, eyes wide.

He smiled. “I’ve loved dancing ever since I could remember. It’s my passion, and truthfully, the only thing I’ve got going for me.”

You were shocked. At school, Hyunjin was known for so many things other than dancing. Hell, you didn’t even know he enjoyed dancing and you thought you’d heard everything about him already.

The two of you chatted for a while longer before the vet came out with the now happy looking dog.

“It seemed like this little guy got into a fight with something, and he got a pretty large gash on his paw. Luckily, it wasn’t bleeding too much so I just gave him some anaesthetic and stitched it right up.”

You sighed in relief. “Thank god he isn’t too hurt.”

“Yes, it’s good that it wasn’t too bad,” the veterinarian agreed. “I’m assuming this is your dog? As soon as you finish with the bill, I can release this little guy and the both of you are ready to go.”

Oh yeah. The bill.

Although you knew you couldn’t afford to pay the vet bill, you didn’t know where this little dog would go if you couldn’t take him home. You did the mental calculations, and if you worked some extra shifts, you could probably be able to pick up the bill today. Buying a new backpack could be saved for another day.

“Sure, where can I pay?” you asked.

“Just over by the receptionist.” The veterinarian pointed.

You walked over to the receptionist, and she handed the bill over to you.

You almost fainted.

Just the anaesthetic and the stitches alone cost over two hundred dollars. This was extremely over your budget, and probably even more than the amount in your savings. You felt uneasy.

“Uhm, actually, I don’t think I can-”

“Do you take cash?”

Hyunjin had interrupted you, walked up to the receptionist, and pulled out his wallet. He peaked over your shoulder and took out a huge wad of cash to hand to the receptionist.

“Hyunjin, you don’t have to,” you begged. You felt bad that this guy you didn’t even know had just offered to cover you for over two hundred dollars.

“Think of it as a good luck gift from a fellow dancer.” He smiled.

That was when it clicked. You didn’t know what clicked, but it just did. It was his smile. It was the way the corners of his eyes crinkled up and how the corners of his lips pinched at the end. You now understood why all the girls at school were in love with him. He was quite literally perfect.

You thanked him profusely, even after the two of you had left the clinic. With the dog in your hand, you walked side by side with Hyunjin.

“So,” he started, “have you thought of a name for this guy yet?”

Oh yeah — he was your dog now. “Hmm, I don’t know yet.”

“What about Coco?”

“Coco?”

“Yeah, let’s see if he likes it.” Hyunjin leaned in and cooed at the little puppy. “Hi, little Coco!”

The puppy’s eyes lit up, and with his tongue stretched out, he started panting.

“I guess he likes it,” Hyunjin smiled. God, his smile could melt all of Antarctica.

“Coco it is.” You poked at Coco’s nose.

Hyunjin was about to say something back to you when his phone buzzed. He took a peak, rolled his eyes, then smiled. “My friends are god awful at games. I swear, they can’t even win one round without me. You’re okay with going home alone?”

He was going to walk you home? Could he be any more perfect?

You nodded your head. “Thank you, Hyunjin. I’ll pay you back for the bill one day.”

“No need,” he winked. “Like I said, it’s a good luck gift. Oh, and you can ask me if you need help with any school work. Anything to help a fellow dancer.”

He waved goodbye, then went running off in the other direction. You held Coco close to you, heart pounding. Although you didn’t want to be like all the other girls who fell for him, you felt like you were already falling for Hyunjin.

The next day, you had planned to go shopping for dog supplies after school. After a really long and arduous debate with yourself, you decided to sacrifice all of your savings in order to buy everything that Coco needed. You knew Hyunjin owned a dog himself, so throughout the whole day, you worked up the nerve to ask Hyunjin to come with you.

At the end of last period, you gathered all your stuff from your desk and headed to the soccer field where you knew Hyunjin and his friends would be. Whilst you crossed the field, you noticed Jisung staring at you. You found his stare intimidating, but you tried to brush it off. He then whispered something in Hyunjin’s ear.

“Hi, Hyunjin,” you said anxiously, biting your lip. “Umm, do you want to come with me to shop for Coco?”

He stared at you for a couple seconds, then, a look of disgust appeared on his face. “Why? So you can use my wallet again?”

You stared back at him, wide eyed. Who was this person? It wasn’t the Hyunjin that so graciously helped you out yesterday.

“W-what? No!” you exclaimed. “I-I just wanted your opinion…”

“Sure,” Hyunjin smirked coldly, “opinion my ass.”

“Hyunjin,” tears were pooling in your eyes, “I don’t understand.”

“If you need money so much, here.” He reached in his pocket and turned up a wad of cash, throwing it at your feet. “Just don’t come to me next time. And buy yourself a new pair of shoes while you’re at it.”

You looked down at the money, trying to hold back your tears. Why was Hyunjin being like this? You didn’t understand. His two jockeys beside him didn’t even bother to stop him. As you tried to stop yourself from crying, you felt your sadness turn into rage.

“I don’t need your stupid money,” you said, kicking the cash back to him. “Maybe you can use your daddy’s money to buy yourself a new personality.”

Hyunjin’s two friends tried to hold back their snickers at your words. Hyunjin heard, turned around, and gave them both death stares.

You didn’t bother to listen to whatever he was going to say next and simply stomped away, rage burning inside you. Everything about him was a lie. His charming and charismatic personality, his generosity, his kindness. They were all lies. He really was nothing but a rich, spoiled boy living with his father’s money.

There was rage behind every step you took. Wiping away your tears, you headed to your locker. You didn’t need him anyways; it was better to realize his true personality earlier rather than later. Hands shaking from anger, you dialed the combination to your locker.

“Hey, sorry about what happened earlier.” A voice came from behind you. “He can be a real jerk sometimes.”

It was Jisung. You rolled your eyes. You didn’t want to see him either.

“Why didn’t you do anything about it then?” Your voice came out shaky. It was obvious that you had cried.

“Once he starts, there’s no stopping him. It’s usually better to let him finish uninterrupted, or else he will get more mad.”

“Oh,” you said. Your hatred for Hyunjin grew even more.

“I could come with you, though. I don’t know much about dogs, but I can help you carry your bags.”

“I don’t know…”

“C’mon, no way you can carry everything by yourself.”

You hesitated. “Okay, I guess.”

And so, you left for the pet store with Jisung, still confused about everything that had happened. It was strange with him. He was nice and cracked a joke every now and then, but it was just different from being with Hyunjin. At least he was nice, you thought.

Your trip went well. You managed to buy everything you needed for Coco. In a turn of events, Jisung had actually come in handy as he offered to carry the huge bag of dog food you bought. He even offered to buy you a coffee.

“Thanks for all your help, Jisung.” You stood outside the door of your apartment, smiling at him.

“No problem, gives me an excuse to work out my guns.” He pretended to flex his arms.

You choked back a laugh.

“You should get going now. It’s late,” you said.

“Alright,” he started to leave. “Hey, if you see me in the halls, feel free to say hi.”

You nodded and waved to him as he turned and walked away, remembering his words. Every time you saw Jisung in the school hallways, you gave him a small wave in which he happily returned. However, whenever you saw him walking with Hyunjin, you made sure to purposely avoid them. You didn’t want any negativity in your life.

You kept up the waves, and soon, waves turned to small conversations which soon turned to flirting. By the end of the semester, you and Jisung somehow ended up as a couple. Jisung was polite and sweet, unlike a certain person. With every free moment you had, you hung out with Jisung — all the while avoiding Hyunjin.

The two of you stayed a couple for the rest of Jisung’s senior year. Somehow, the two of you had even kept up your relationship throughout your whole high school experience. It was hard at times as he went to university, but with a lot of effort, you had made your relationship work out. You barely had time to talk with him, but you enjoyed the little time that you did have. Jisung had never even once mentioned Hyunjin when you were together, and with time, you had totally forgotten about that jerk. You weren’t even sure if they were still friends.

You worked hard in school and reaped all the benefits. Your rank had consistently been in the top twenties amongst all the other students, and you even had time to practice your dancing. You remembered the day that you received your acceptance letter from university. Hands shaking, you had barely managed to open the letter all the way before you screamed. You had gotten into university with your dream major: dance.

Because of your excellent grades, you were able to pay a lot of your tuition with scholarship money alone. You hesitantly decided to quit your job at the convenience store to focus on university. Although quitting meant that your bank account would take a big hit, you decided that it would be best in the long run. There was a lot in your savings, and you even had a little extra to buy a new outfit for your first day of school.

Jisung had been busy on the first day of university. He had previously promised to show you around campus, but with him being a no-show, you wandered around by yourself to try to find your classes. You had trouble with the campus map at first, but after walking around for a bit, you were able to find all your classes with ease.

Your first few classes were a snore. Because they were all theory, you had to down two cups of coffee in order to stay awake. Somehow, you managed to take coherent notes despite being bored out of your mind. You just wanted to dance.

The good thing was, after sitting through many classes, your time to dance finally came. Your last class of the day was an introduction to dance course, and you couldn’t wait to go. You wanted to know your teacher, your peers, and most importantly, express yourself.

The dance class was in a studio in the university’s fitness center. It was huge, way bigger than the tiny gym in your high school. Upon entering the studio, you were immediately met with the sight of students, exactly like you, already stretching. You chose a spot in the room and started stretching as well, making good use of your time before the instructor comes in.

After some time, most of the students — including you — had finished stretching and were sitting in silence waiting for the instructor. The door swung open, breaking the silence. The instructor had come in.

“Hello new students,” he said, “welcome to Dance 100. Today, I will go through the curriculum with you as well as introduce your final project.”

The instructor whipped out a projection of the curriculum and started explaining the purpose of the course, what you would be graded on, and how you would be graded. He then read through his class expectations before moving to your final project.

“This final project will act in place of a final exam,” he explained. “You will be required to create a dance that includes everything we’ve learned in class and write an essay explaining all the elements in your dance. It will be worth half your grade.”

The class gasped in surprise. Not only did this project sound extremely difficult for a first year course, but the fact that it was worth half your grade made it borderline unfair.

“I know it might seem difficult, but worry not, you won’t be doing this alone. Every year, the first year dance students get mentored by the third year dance students for the final project. Each student has already been assigned a random mentor which will be introduced this class.”

The whole class murmured, talking amongst themselves and expressing their opinions on this project. It was definitely an interesting project. You hoped that you would be paired with a good mentor that would actually care about how well you did.

There was a knock on the door.

“Ah, this must be them.” Your instructor opened the door and a wave of third years came flooding in. Each one of them had a name tag pinned on their shirts. “Class, these are the third year students.”

You all politely greeted them.

“Now,” the instructor continued, “I will put the class list on the projector, and each of your names will correspond to a third year mentor.”

The instructor put out the list for display. You scanned down the list of names, eventually finding yours. Following the dots to your corresponding mentor, you almost choked on air when you saw yours.

It was Hwang Hyunjin.

You were at a loss for words. Just when you thought he was out of your life forever, the man that was so incredibly mean to you — the man you hated with your whole soul — was now your mentor. Just the thought of being in the same room as him filled you with disgust.

You scanned the sea of third year students, and your eyes immediately found him. He was staring back at you with the same shocked expression that you had on.

He looked different. Not only had he grown taller, but he had lost all his baby fat as well. His hair was different too. It was bleached blond and it almost hit his shoulders. What was the same, however, was his intense stare and his plump lips.

You walked over to him.

“You look different.” His eyes scanned up and down.

“So do you.” You clenched your jaw and sighed. “I guess we have to work together.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said flatly.

“Listen,” you copied his tone, “I’m not excited about this either, but I want to get a good grade for this class. If you don’t wanna help me, just say so and I’ll just work alone on this.”

“Don’t be stupid,” he rolled his eyes, “this is part of my grade too. I can’t let you fuck this up for the both of us.”

You rolled your eyes back at him and pressed your lips in a thin line. Ignoring what he said, you asked, “where do we start?”

“Let’s find a time to meet every week.” He pulled out the newest iPad model from his bag. Of course he would have the newest iPad. “I’m busy every day except Saturday, so let’s meet then.”

Way to consider your opinion. He was lucky that you weren’t busy on the weekends.

As Hyunjin worked on sorting his schedule, you took your time to look at how he had changed. With his hair blonde, he looked like a completely different person. You didn’t understand why he kept his hair long though. It kept falling in his eyes.

“Stop staring at me. It’s freaking me out.” He narrowed his eyes at you.

“I wasn’t.” You crossed your arms, defending yourself.

“Whatever.” He tucked his hair behind his ear and put his iPad back in his bag. “Don’t be late on Saturday.”

And with that, he left. You looked around the class. Most of the other students were still with their mentors, presumably getting to know each other and discussing the project. You almost wanted to ask your instructor to switch with somebody else, but that would mean passing on the nightmare known as Hwang Hyunjin onto a perfectly innocent person. You had your moments, but you weren’t evil.

The interaction with Hyunjin had left you in a sour mood for the rest of the day. You tried to study, but you were too distracted by the thought of having to work with that monstrosity for a whole semester. It was worth so much of your grade, too. You had just hoped that Hyunjin was as good at dance as he previously told you. You remembered him saying how dance was his passion in life. That was when you still liked him. Who knows, maybe he only said that so he could play you like every other girl he played with.

For the rest of the week, whenever you thought of the dance project, you were filled with dread. You tried to ignore it, and sometimes it worked, but most of the time it kept reappearing in your mind like a virus. The way Hyunjin had infected your mind bothered you to no end.

Time passed fast though, and before you knew it, Saturday had already come. Searching through your closet, you picked out a simple outfit for practice today. You slid on your tattered old sneakers and headed off to the studio that Hyunjin had told you to go to.

Entering the dance studio, you noticed that you were right on time. However, Hyunjin was not. Great… He made such a big deal over you being on time that he himself forgot to be punctual. You sat on the wood floors and started to do some stretches to warm up.

Eventually, after you finished your stretching, he entered the studio. With a girl. Holding a textbook, Hyunjin handed it to the girl and put on his signature deceitful smile. His ugly, perfect smile. The girl batted her eyes and waved her fingers goodbye before strolling out the door. You rolled your eyes at this, feeling bad for the girl. Hyunjin was playing her right in front of her own eyes and she didn’t even realize it.

“Were you really late because of a girl?” you sneered.

“Why do you care?” he retorted, flinging his bag to the corner of the room.

“I don’t.”

“Sure you don’t.”

Not wanting to waste time with that childish banter, you decided to end the conversation then and there. “Okay, well anyways, I’ll show you what I learned in class this week.”

Hooking up your phone to the speaker, you chose the song that you’ve been practicing with for the whole week. As the song progressed, you found it hard to not get lost in the music. Just dancing was the easy part; incorporating everything learned in class was another story. Although it was fairly difficult, you thought you executed everything very well as the song came to an end. Finishing up, you panted from exhaustion and looked at Hyunjin for his comments.

He stood, with his arms crossed across his torso, leaning against the speaker. There was a blank expression on his face.

“Not bad.” He started to walk up to you.

“But?”

“But you’re too stiff. You’re too focused on perfectly executing the technical moves that you forget to just move your body. Do what you did half-way through the song again.”

You turned the music on, trying to do the dance with Hyunjin’s criticisms in mind. Looking in the mirror, you did your best to show as much emotion as possible, all the while moving more fluidly. The room was filled with heavy bass and the squeaks from your sneakers.

Suddenly, the music was abruptly cut off.

Hyunjin had stopped the music and was making his way over, face still unreadable.

“You’re still trying too hard and it shows.” Hyunjin shook his head.

Clenching your jaw, you did your best to hold back your anger. Were you just not supposed to try? This annoyed you. Just because he didn’t need to try to be good at anything didn’t mean you couldn’t.

“Well,” you tried to say calmly, “how can I do this then?”

“You have to relax.” He put one hand on your hip and started to guide you. “Don’t focus on each individual aspect, but try to imagine everything as a whole. Then, things will come naturally.”

You followed his hand, allowing Hyunjin to guide you to his own rhythm. After a while, every movement felt so fluid and you didn’t even notice that your face started to match your movements. Glancing at your reflection, you gasped, noticing how different your dancing looked. You whipped your head to face Hyunjin, the two of your inches apart and breathing heavily.

“See,” he mumbled, looking down at you. “Once you stop thinking, everything just comes naturally.”

You looked back at the person inches away from you. It almost felt as if he was being kind. But you knew the type of person he was. You weren’t going to let this happen again. Snapping out of what weird trance you were in, you pushed him away in an act of self perseverance.

He didn’t say anything.

“I’ll try again,” you said.

Hyunjin strolled over to the speaker and turned on the music. This time, you didn’t think about anything you learned in class or Hyunjin’s criticisms. You just trusted in your body. Everything else was blank.

Taking a step forward while still in your trance, your shoe lost its grip on the floor, causing you to fall right on your knee. You cried in pain, holding on to your knee.

“Fuck,” Hyunjin hissed. He ran over and bent down to your level. “Can you move it?”

“I think so.” You tried to straighten your knee. It hurt, but you were still able to do it. There would most likely be a nasty bruise there the next morning.

“You’re still wearing those scraps that you call shoes? They’re literally coming apart at the seams. This is going to happen again if you don’t get new ones.”

You blushed in embarrassment from his remarks. “I’m not going to spend money on things that I don’t need.”

“Well, you need shoes. Just go buy a new pair later.”

Was he being serious? Or was he just spoiled?

“Hyunjin, not everybody can just go spend money whenever they want,” you loudly sighed. “Unlike you, I need to consider my budget for most things.”

“Well, why can’t you ask your boyfriend to buy it?” he sneered. “Seems like you’re good at doing that.”

How did he know you were still dating Jisung? What did he mean by ‘good at doing that’?

“What?” You crossed your eyebrows. “Do you think I’m with him just for his money? Do I really look like that kind of person to you?”

“You used me for my money,” he mumbled under his breath.

“What?” You couldn’t hear him right.

“Nevermind, rehearsal's over.” He stomped off, leaving you alone in the practice room holding on to your injured knee.

You busied yourself with everything and anything you could do over the weekend in order to forget what happened during rehearsal. However, no matter how hard you tried to forget, Hyunjin’s comments on your shoes stuck in your mind like glue.

During your shift at your job, you couldn’t help but keep staring at your worn sneakers. You never paid attention to your shoes before until now. They did the job, so why would you need to buy a new pair? Still, you unconsciously paid attention to every step you took.

On Monday’s dance class, you decided to go early. It was always nice to warm up in a room with other try-hards. They felt less judgemental than the others.

The studio barely had anybody in it this early before class. Everybody was either stretching or had already started going over what was taught last week. Shuffling your way over to your locker, you couldn’t help but compare everybody else’s shoes to your own. You’ve never cared about trivial matters such as shoes, but you couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious as your worn-in sneakers squeaked its way over to the lockers.

Opening your locker, your eyes widened, shocked at what you saw. Inside was a box containing a brand new pair of sneakers. It was an expensive brand as well, a brand that you never thought you would be touching in your life. You turned your head around, scanning the room. Everybody seemed to have been busy with their own thing.

Did somebody put these in your locker by mistake?

Taking the shoes out, you noticed a small slip of paper fly out. You picked up the note.

Keep these. I was a jerk.

You knew who had sent this. It was Hyunjin. You didn’t know what game he was trying to play at, but you weren’t going to fall for it like you did that day in high school. Gingerly putting the shoes back in your locker, you decided to return these back to Hyunjin at your next practice.

“No, I gave them to you as a gift.” Hyunjin turned his nose up at you, refusing to take back the shoes.

“Why would you give these to me if you think that I only use people for their money?”

“Because,” he rolled his eyes, “if you’re unable to dance then my grade is screwed as well.”

He made a good point, but you were stubborn. “Still…”

“You know what? Keep it, give it away, sell it, I don’t care. Let’s just start practice.”

After that dance practice, you threw your old shoes in the trash.

It was midterm season a month into school. You thought you had gone to hell and back with high school, but this was even worse. Each day consisted of waking up, studying, and going back to sleep. You lived on coffee and toast. It wasn’t much, but it gave you the energy to sit at the library for hours to study.

You didn’t see anybody during the midterm season, Instead, you chose to hermit yourself up at the library for days on end. This meant that, at least for a couple of weeks, your dance practice with Hyunjin was put on hiatus. Not that he minded, of course. He happily deleted the practices from his schedule.

You also didn’t see much of your boyfriend, Jisung. Ever since school started, he seemed to always be missing in action. He would almost never have time to be with you, and with the few moments that he was, it seemed like he was always so apathetic towards you. You brushed this off as stress though, as you finally knew what it was like to experience university exams.

It was a clear and sunny day on the morning you finished your last midterm. Leaving the exam room, you looked up to the sky, basking in the sun. Today was going to be a good day. Not only were you now stress free, but you were also invited to an end-of-midterm party for your dance class tonight. You had never gone to a university party before, so when a classmate asked if you wanted to go, you eagerly accepted.

Wrapping up your dance class, you stood at your locker, gathering the rest of your stuff.

“Hey.” An arm wrapped around you.

“Hey, Jisung.” You smiled, turning around to face him.

“You’re done all your midterms?”

“Yup.” You nodded happily.

He took a look at your shoes.

“New shoes?”

You hesitated in answering his question, not knowing where Jisung was with Hyunjin in terms of friendship. It was better to be truthful now rather than apologizing later.

“Hyunjin gave it to me.” You looked down, fiddling with your fingers. Why were you afraid of Jisung’s response?

“Wait, what? Hwang Hyunjin? Like from high school? Y/n, I thought you hated him.”

“I did! And I do,” you tried to explain, “but he had a reason to give me this.”

“Bullshit, Y/n. You’re really gonna believe any reason he pulls out of his ass? I thought you actually matured from high school.”

“Well, you would understand if you were around more often!” you yelled. You knew it was wrong to address other problems and blow this out of proportion, but you couldn’t think straight. Your mind was clouded with anger.

“What does this have to do with anything?” Jisung barked back. “What we’re talking about is how you, no matter how shitty of a person Hyunjin is, keep going back to him! Y/n, all that man does is take. He takes from you and he sure as hell takes everything from me. I won’t let that happen this time.”

When had he taken anything from you? All he had done was give.

“Jisung, let’s end this.”

“You’re right. Let’s cool down and talk later tonight.”

“No,” you shook your head, “I mean, let's end us.”

Jisung looked at you in disgust. “It’s Hyunjin, isn’t it?”

“No,” you vehemently denied, “Jisung, you never have time for me, and the little time we do have together you act like a different person. And now you’re being all possessive just because Hyunjin gave me a gift? I’m sorry, I just don’t see us recovering from this.”

“Fine, whatever.” Jisung turned around. “We’re done. But Y/n, don’t come running back to me when Hyunjin screws you over like he does with everybody.”

After Jisung left, you stomped your foot on the ground, tears pooling in your eyes. It was for the best — breaking up with him. For the past month, you hadn’t been happy with where your relationship was going, but this wasn’t the way you wanted to end an almost three year relationship.

Wiping away your tears, you tried to compose yourself before heading over to the pub. Jisung wasn’t worth the tears.

The walk to the pub wasn’t far as every establishment catered to students was a short walking distance from campus. For your entire walk over, you kept your head down so as to not receive looks from others. The headache from your cries and a blush of anger still lingered with you. Hopefully you’ll look somewhat normal by the time you reach the bar.

Checking your reflection once more in your phone camera, you fixed your hair a bit before going inside.

The bar was filled.

With students from both your dance class and the third year class, there was not an empty corner in sight. The music was loud, but the sounds of chatter coming from the students were louder. The place was dark, with the only source of light coming from very dim, bright blue LEDs.

It was surprising to see everybody in a different setting. You were used to the sight of your classmates being only in sweats and workout clothes, but now that they actually had time to get ready, everybody seemed like a completely different person.

You saw a few of your classmates wave at you, beckoning you over to where they were sitting. As soon as your butt landed on the chair, they spared no time to push a shot glass filled with clear liquor in front of you. You gladly took the drink, wanting to just let go and forget about everything that happened today. Holding back a cough, you scrunched your face as you felt the alcohol burn in your throat. It had been so long since the last time you drank.

After five you stopped counting. Partly because you knew you were going to drink more, but mostly because your head couldn’t even count to five anymore. Scrunching your eyes, you tried to focus on the blurry figure of your classmate complaining about her professor. Bored out of your mind as her mindless babble went on forever, your eyes started roaming around the bar. As your eyes wandered, you noticed somebody behind your classmate staring at you.

Hwang Hyunjin.

Even in your inebriated state of mind, you knew that it was Hyunjin. What other university student had the balls to bleach their whole head blonde? Your eyes met, and he ran a hand through his golden locks. Why do the most beautiful people harbour the most wretched personalities?

You tried to ignore his staring by focusing your attention back on your classmate, but eventually, you couldn’t help but glance back at him. He was still looking at you.

You saw a girl come up to him. She was the same girl that showed up with him on your first ever practice session. Because of the dimly lit bar and your drunken vision impairment, you had to really squint to make out what was going on. The girl, all smiley and giggly, put her hand on his shoulder, making Hyunjin break his eye contact with you. He smiled at the girl, mouthing words that were drowned out by the music. For some reason, this made you furious. Why was he so nice to everybody else but you? What had you ever done to him to make him hate you so much?

You kept your eyes on the girl, knowing full well that you shouldn’t have. You hated that — even on your night off, even when you had just broken up with your boyfriend — Hyunjin was still in your mind like an unkillable parasite. You hated the way he tucked his hair behind his ears. You hated how the corners of his eyes crinkled up when he smiled at her. You hated him.

You watched as she leaned in and whispered something in his ear, causing him to laugh. That was the last straw. In a drunken haze, you took your phone and bolted out the door, ignoring the concerns of all your classmates. Maybe it had been a mistake breaking up with Jisung. Maybe he really did know what was best for you.

Stumbling out onto the street, you tried to dial Jisung’s phone number. It proved to be too difficult of a task, however, as your drunken fingers could only tap on random numbers on the screen. You cried out of frustration.

“Y/n.”

The voice coming from behind you startled you, causing you to lose your grip on the phone. It dropped on the cement with a loud crack. Tears welled up in your eyes as you bent down to pick up your phone. There was a huge crack right down the middle of the screen.

“You cracked my phone,” you said, trying to keep your composure.

“So? It’s not like it’s worth much anyways. Just ask your boyfriend to buy you one.” Hyunjin’s evil eyes squinted down at you.

“Why are you still on about this? Hyunjin, I’ve never used anybody for money and I never will!” You couldn’t control the tears flowing down your face. “Plus, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I broke up with Jisung today.”

You didn’t know why you were spilling your guts to the last man in the world you would trust. Surely, it was the alcohol.

“Y/n.” His tone had completely changed. He almost looked — concerned?

“Whatever, Hyunjin,” you slurred. “Just leave me alone. You can go back to that girl and have your fun with her.”

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t care.”

“Y/n, why do you care?” His tone got louder.

“I don’t!” you yelled at him. Your tears made everything even more blurry.

“Y/n! Tell me, why do you care?!” He spat back at you with just as much fury.

“Fuck you, Hyunjin. News flash, not everything in the world revolves around you and your rich and prestigious life. Maybe you wouldn’t be so toxic if you would just understand that.” You screamed at him through your sobs. “Also, I don’t know where you got this stupid story of my being a cash whore from, but I will say this one last time: I have worked for everything in my life and I have never and will never use anybody for their money.”

Hyunjin looked back at you, shocked. You stared back at him in disgust. Not wanting to waste anymore time on him, you stumbled down the street to look for a taxi. However, as you wobbled down the pavement, everything became even blurrier than before. You felt nauseous. You couldn’t control it anymore.

You threw up. All over the sidewalk. You couldn’t stop. Every time you thought that it was over, more and more came out. Your throat burned, and it wasn’t just the alcohol.

As you hurled out all the remains of today’s lunch, your hair was held back.

“Get away from me, Hyunjin,” you groaned. You didn’t want him to see you this weak.

“Who else is gonna take care of your drunk ass, idiot,” he mumbled.

That was the last thing you heard before everything went black.

It was a blinding white light that woke you up. You groaned, trying to block the light with your forearm. Cracking your neck, you tried to holster yourself up.

You were on a leather couch. Squinting, you surveyed the room you were in. It was clean, spacious. The floor was a white marble — there wasn’t a single speck of dust to be seen. Across from you was an incredibly wide TV with many game consoles scattered around it. You looked behind you. There was a large kitchen island illuminated by warm pendant lights. Sitting at the island, on his laptop, was Hyunjin.

“Wh-what happened to me?”

“You’re the worst fucking drinker I’ve ever seen, that’s what happened.”

You rolled your eyes.

Hyunjin ignored you, standing up and leaving for another room. Less than a minute later, he reappeared with a toothbrush and a roll of toothpaste.

“Go clean up. You look disgusting.”

You snatched the toothbrush from his hands. He pointed over to the bathroom and you trudged your way over. His bathroom was huge, almost bigger than your bedroom at home. You felt as if you were in a hotel.

“Your bathroom is huge.” After washing up, you felt not only cleaner, but more awake. “You’re really living the life with your family’s money, huh.”

Hyunjin sighed, slamming his laptop shut causing you to flinch. “Why, after everything, do you think I’m this rich, pretentious fuck?”

You rolled your eyes. Not this again. “Well, why do you still think I’m this money hungry monster?”

“You really wanna know why, Y/n? It’s because Jisung told me so. He was the one who told me that all those years ago.”

You were shocked. Jisung was the one who told him that? Your ex-boyfriend that you had loved and dated for almost three years? You didn’t want to believe it, you really didn’t, but there was this tiny whisper in the back of your mind telling you that it was true. He had a reason to — Jisung was always going on about how Hyunjin always took from him.

“But Y/n, I-” He stopped mid-sentence.

“You what, Hyunjin?”

He pressed his lips to yours, caressing the back of your head. You were shocked, but almost autonomously, your lips parted feeling the heat of his breath against yours. He pressed his body to yours, running his hand down your waist. His lips, the same lips responsible for his perfect smile, felt so soft against your own. You heard the thuds of his heartbeat as he held you closer.

You broke apart, gasping for breath. The realization of what you had done just hit you.

In a panic, you used your whole strength to push his body away from you. “I-I have to go.”

“Y/n, wait!” Hyunjin called.

You paid him no attention. Instead, you ran across the marble floors, hoisted the front door open, and sprinted out. Hoping that Hyunjin wasn’t following you, found your way outside and took a taxi home.

You sat in silence, trying to process what had just happened. You had just kissed Hyunjin. You had just kissed Hyunjin. Hands shaking, you grasped at the ends of your hair, trying to calm yourself down. Did that just happen?

You were more mad at yourself than at him. How could you have just kissed Hyunjin? You hated him. He was nothing but rude to you, never smiling and always accusing you of things that were clearly lies. He made you feel self conscious, nervous, and everything in between. You hated him.

But he was so sweet on that fateful day in high school. He gave you a new pair of shoes when you had slipped during practice, and he held your hair for you when you were drunk. His hair glistened in the sunlight, his smile made your heart race, and his lips ignited sparks of every colour in the rainbow in your chest.

You hated Hwang Hyunjin. You hated how fast you became infatuated with him on that day in high school, and no matter how much you tried to deny it, you hated that your feelings haven’t changed ever since. You hated Hwang Hyunjin. You hated that you loved him.

Curling up in your bed, there was no stopping the tears flowing down your face. You cried and cried upon this realization, and you remained this way for the rest of the day. The effect Hyunjin had on you was bigger than you ever expected, and you hated it.

At school, you tried to avoid as many people as possible. The kiss you had shared with Hyunjin was plaguing your mind, distracting you and igniting the fire that was your inner turmoil. Even the thought of Hyunjin put a strain in your heart. It was the way his breath fanned over your nose, gently tickling it like a bird’s feather and the soft silk of his blonde locks brushing up against your cheeks.

You shook your head, trying to erase any and every thought of that man. Walking to your locker, you were stopped in your tracks, the dam in your eyes starting to crack. You couldn’t do this today. You turned around to go somewhere else — anywhere else.

“Y/n, wait.”

You sniffed, wiped stray tears from your eyes, and picked up your pace.

“Y/n.” He grabbed your shoulder, turning you around to face him.

“Hyunjin, please, I can’t do this today.”

“Are you… Are you crying?” He touched your face, wiping your tears with his thumb. “Y/n, why are you crying?”

You shook your head. You were scared of what would happen if you opened your stupid mouth.

“Y/n, please.” Hyunjin begged. His voice was shaking. “Tell me why.”

You shook your head again.

“Y/n, please.” His voice cracked.

“Hyunjin,” you paused, taking a shaky breath, “it’s because I love you. I’ve loved you ever since the first moment you smiled at my pathetic ass. Even when you hurt me more than anyone has hurt me before… I never had a choice, Hyunjin. It’s always been you.”

You tore yourself away from Hyunjin, embarrassed to your core. That was the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done, but at least you had closure now.

“Y/n…”

“No, Hyunjin. You’ve torn me down and humiliated me enough already. What more could you possibly want?” You demanded, aware that everybody around you was staring.

“Y/n,” Hyunjin rasped, “It’s only ever been you. I’ve spent the last three years miserable knowing that you were with someone else. I’ve-I’ve never even been with another girl in the past three years. I know you have no reason to believe me because I was such an ass. I am such an ass. Y/n, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for projecting my insecurities on you, I’m sorry for accusing you of things I know you’ve never done, and I’m sorry for anything else I might have fucking done. Y/n, I love you. Please, I don’t fucking deserve it, but is there any way you could forgive me?”

You stared at Hyunjin’s bloodshot eyes, tears freely flowing down your cheeks, and before you could even think, you found yourself pressed against his lips. Your eyes closed, savouring the feeling of his soft lips touching your own. His wet cheek pressed against your own, and with a nudge of the nose, Hyunjin deepend the kiss with a raw passion in which you’ve never felt before.

You cradled his head, relishing in his silken blonde hair as you brushed your fingers through his locks. He sighed in response, his breath tickling against your cheek. You were fully aware that everyone on campus had seen both your messy confessions of love, but you didn’t care. All you could do was replay the moment that Hyunjin had said those words — those three tiny words — over and over in your head as you ran your fingers through his hair and kissed his soft, honey lips.

500 notes · View notes

stratiotis-nth · 3 years ago

Text

Ever since Cas came back and turned human, it would seem he’s stopped giving a shit about literally everything. When Dean noticed this new aspect of Cas’ colorful personality, he had made himself paranoid that Cas would suddenly start flirting with him on the regular now that his big confession was out in the open.

So while Dean was scared shitless, he was confusingly disappointed when Cas didn’t do that at all.

No. The first thing the ex-angel did after surviving another encounter with death was start a Shotgun war with Sam.

And no, not the bang bang kinda shotgun.

“Shotgun!” Cas practically bellowed down the corridor as the three of them were getting ready to get dinner.

“That’s not fair, Cas! I’m in the bathroom!” Sam complained through the closed door. Cas ignored him completely as he strode past and ducked into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean, who had been desperately trying to stay out of this war, just gave Cas a sideways smile.

“Y’know, the rules are you can’t call shotgun until you actually see the car, Cas.” He told him, his lips tugging up in amusement and…just happiness that Cas was close.

“Until Sam demands to implement this rule, I will abuse his ignorance.” Cas replied, smiling softly. Once again, every time Cas won the passenger seat, Dean wanted to ask what was with his sudden obsession with it. It wasn’t like Cas hadn’t been stubborn enough to claim it before he became human. He wondered what changed, why Cas suddenly cared about seating arrangements. But, as he had been doing ever since they got Cas back (again), Dean bit his tongue. He didn’t want to overwhelm the newly human with the tsunami of questions he had.

Sam griped the entire way to the diner, grumbling about being squished even though Dean knew there was more than enough space. Cas sat next to Dean, watching the trees amble by with a serene, totally unaffected smile on his face. Pleased as a pickle. Dean was fighting his own internal battle between his burning questions and undying amusement at Sam’s plight.

At the diner, Cas sat next to Dean. That much was hardly anything new. The two just naturally gravitated towards each other, and after Dean caught himself drifting mindlessly towards Cas more times than he could count, he stopped giving him grief about personal space.

Cas’ thigh brushed up against his almost the entire meal. Dean pretended not to notice, but internally, he was melting into a puddle of bi panic.

In the parking lot, Sam was quick to call shotgun when Cas got distracted by their waitress catching up to him and giving him her phone number. Dean was too busy bristling and snapping at Cas to hurry up to even notice Sam was sitting next to him.

Cas sulked the entire ride home, the waitress’ number stuffed into one of his pockets. Dean tried not to think that maybe Cas was saving her number for another time.

On Saturday, it was Dean’s turn to go on a food run. Sam was busy working a ghoul case with Eileen, so when Cas wanted to come along there was no yelling match over the front. He ducked into the passenger seat and just about blinded Dean’s poor weak heart with a smile that crinkled his nose.

They fought over eggs for about twenty minutes in the diary aisle. Dean win by threatening to give Sam exclusive access to shotgun. Cas relented with a glower that could have smote demons if he still had his grace.

Eventually, Sam did implement the rule about only calling shotgun with the car in sight, and as the weeks went by and Dean’s silent journey is self realization unfolded, the war at escalated. Now, neither of them could call shotgun without all three of them being in sights of the car. It had gotten bad enough that Sam and Cas waited impatiently for Dean in the garage, staring expectantly for him to round the corner so they could have their yelling match.

Cas nearly blew Dean’s eardrums out, bellowing “SHOTGUN!” loud enough to drown out Sam. He angrily opened his mouth to argue when his phone started ringing.

“It’s Eileen.” He said, his back snapping straight and immediately answering the video call. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Can you give me a ride?” Dean could hear Eileen’s voice over the tinny speakers. “My car broke down and the nearest shop is two hours away.”

“Where are you?”

“An hour away from you? It was supposed to be a surprise.”

Dean saw Sam’s face soften, the tension of worry falling away. He butted in, sticking his face in view of the camera so Eileen could read his lips.

“Just tow it here. I can patch your ride.” He said. “Sam can take the tow truck.”

“Are you sure?” Eileen asked.

“Course. ‘Sides, those guys won’t give you a fair price anyway.” Dean flapped his hand dismissively.

“Thanks, Dean.” Eileen beamed, and oh, Dean knew that smile. Mischievous and damnit, she had planned this from the start, hadn’t she? Just to get a free repair out of him. Dean squinted suspiciously at her, and Eileen just wiggled her eyebrows.

“Cas and I can pick up the curse box and meet you two back here in a few hours.” Dean said. He saw Cas immediately brighten, having secured the passenger seat.

Cas was looking particularly triumphant as they drove, his knees rocking back and forth in a content, mindless sort of way. Finally, Dean couldn’t hold back the question anymore.

He had done his work accepting the fact that he wasn’t as straight as he thought, that it wasn’t very heterosexual to stare at Cas’ lips or pop an awkward boner seeing him all cleaned up after Purgatory, or completely shutting down every time he died or getting all prickly when waitresses give him her phone number. He was gay for Cas, and he had just gotten around to accepting this. Cas said he loved him, right? so Dean shouldn’t be afraid or rejection or anything. Yeah, no he was terrified.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” He turned to him with that soft smile that Dean wanted all to himself.

“I gotta ask, man,” Dean chuckled a little awkwardly and kept his eyes firmly on the road. “Why are you so determined about sitting shotgun? You’ve never been before.”

“Ah.” Cas hummed, turning back to the road too. “I suppose now I have the freedom to pursue the things I want. Chuck is gone and my deal with the Empty is null in void. I have time to…focus my attentions on other things.”

“The things you want? What, you got a better view up here or something?”

“Well yes, the windshield does allow more viewing space.” Cas agreed. “But it’s not my main goal in doing all this.”

“Then…what is?”

“Dean.” Cas said in that ever patient, you’re-being-dumb-about-this voice. “I enjoy being up here because it allows me to be closer to you. You are the view I most admire, Dean. I’m always so helplessly drawn to you.”

Dean’s mouth had gone a little dry and his grip on the wheel was suddenly sweaty. The silence that fell was deafening. Cas didn’t even look concerned. He just sat there waiting the road as if he hadn’t just said something so…so…soft to Dean.

Helplessly drawn. Like Cas couldn’t bear being away from him. Like Dean was this perfect, magnetic thing that Cas was enchanted by, something worth having around.

With a jerk of the wheel, Dean was pulling over on the side of the empty highway in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. He threw Baby into park before twisting around and staring at Cas.

He didn’t even look vaguely concerned, the fucker. He just gave Dean a patient look.

Dean opened his mouth, and closed it. Did it again, ready to tell Cas everything. Snapped his jaw shut.

Cas watched in cool amusement. Dean felt his cheeks get hot.

“Screw this.” He grumbled to himself, before lunging across the bench, grabbing Cas’ face with both hands, and kissing him square on the lips.

He felt Cas freeze for a moment, probably in total shock, before he started moving.

Dean nearly choked on a gasp as the chapped, warm lips started pushing and devouring, Cas was suddenly the one taking charge, shoving Dean back against his window as he clambered across the seats to get on top of him.

Twelve years of pent up emotions came crashing out in a sudden burst of unstoppable passion. And as soon as it started, it seemed to have stopped. They both were panting, Dean’s jeans were tight and his entire body screamed to have Cas against him again. But Cas had made to move away, putting space between him as he looked at Dean with wide eyes.

He didn’t get very far. Dean grabbed ahold of his jacket lapels and held on tight with an iron grip, keeping Cas hovering inches above him, basically sharing air.

“Wanna hear a secret?” He whispered between heavy breathes. Cas just blinked at him. “I’ve always rooted for you getting shotgun.”

Cas’ kiss swollen lips split into a dazzling smile, and he rewarded Dean with another intense make out session. When they pulled away, Dean found the words spilling out of his mouth.

“I love you too, Cas. You can have me. God, you have had me, for years you have. Can’t believe it took me so long, I’m sorry I made you think you couldn’t have me, I’m sorry it took me so long—“

Cas shut him up with another kiss, and Dean’s ramble faded into a helpless whimper that too was swallowed up by Cas.

“Does this mean I get exclusive shotgun privileges?” Cas asked a few hours later than they finally took the curse box off the poor shopkeeper’s hands. They had arrived nearly an hour late, not that Dean (or his dick for that matter) particularly cared.

“Honestly? Play it up to Sam and he might let you get away with it for a while.” Dean chuckled. Without even thinking too hard about it, his free hand slithered over the bench, grabbing Cas’ and entwining their fingers. Something so small and simple, yet made Dean light up like a sun.

If Cas didn’t manage to convince Sam, Dean sure as hell would.

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