#probably just a bit prior to her and instance breaking up LOL

[hirokiyuu]

haven't played teen exo yet but: besk/instance, getting caught in the rain? (sorry if they don’t have normal rain on their space planet...)

There's nothing sweet between them: no sunset picnics, no long walks on the beach, no getting caught in the rain. Just the cold dark vastness of space, just the slowly shrinking metal box they're trapped in together, just Instance's bony fingers cool against her skin. There are moments when Instance kisses her that Besk can close her eyes and pretend--but then she opens them again and remembers, and remembers, and remembers.

[artemisandhersilverbow]

I was actually speechless when my CD showed up today and "But Daddy I Love Him" lyrics stopped me in my tracks. CONCRETE POETRY??

Pattern poetry is probably the more accurate categorization for this ex., but I immediately thought the lyrics echo the shape of one of the most famous examples, "Easter Wings" by George Herbert.

I know the variants have different shapes for the lyrics (circle, square, octagon). But any googling of Concrete Poetry or pattern poetry will inevitably lead you back to the OG George Herbert (or like... ancient Greece, but ignore that for now). I also saw someone on Twitter say that the variants could even symbolize the many interpretations (and no true muse) of this song.

Below is a brief breakdown of "Easter Wings".

On its base level, in "Easter Wings" the speaker meditates on one's relationship to God. I have been thinking, prior to this booklet showing up at my house, that the "him" in BDILH could potentially be God. Or at least one interpretation of it could be. Sunday best, pearl clutching was an early tip off.

Anyway, pattern poetry is more than just shaping a poem into a fun shape or even an obvious shape. The physical shape and visual appearance of how the poem is printed works in combination with the themes and content of the poem to amplify the meaning. It adds another level (a third level?) where the poetry has to be seen to be fully understood. Also because you need to see the poem, authors use its shape to manipulate words, phrases, meanings. Essentially, if you heard the poem it would sound one way, but reading it will reveal the authors true meaning. Dear reader, indeed.

This is an oversimplification, but in "Easter Wings" the wider lines are, to borrow a phrase from "Robin," lighter. The narrowing signifying this turn to despair, pain, disconnect from God. Similarly BDILH lyrics narrow at the most biting part of the song and give way to that incredible running through field energy we end on.

And not for nothing, but the only way I would find the joke of "I'm having his baby, no I'm not," would be if she was talking about God. Lol iykyk.

Anyway, Herbert has another very famous poem. One taught to me in middle or high school - maybe you've seen it before too. It's called "The Altar". The first illustration is harder to read and a little more obvious, the second is how I've seen it reproduced more commonly (still the shape of an altar).

And naturally, the word altar made me think of another song from TTPD... So Long, London.

This woman terrifies me...

Anyway, Taylor wants you to put her reading glasses on! Album booklets, lyric videos, the choice is yours! As I always find with her booklets, she fully embraces writing out her lyrics as poetry. You'll notice a lot of changes from the Genius versions, for ex. Album booklet's punctuation, line breaks, new sentences, etc. have changed the entire "meaning" of lines/songs for me. Usually, whatever reframing I find is richer than what I had accepted on the first listen.

I've also noticed how simple the lyric videos for TTPD are in comparison to previous albums, but she's (ok her digital media team who I would not doubt are under STRICT instruction) playing with text quite a bit. Like Herbert above we have many instances of spacing, CAPS, vs lowercase, even collage like effects that completely reorder the lyrics, perhaps even the meaning.

[artistfingers]

Does Dani exist in the Undercover AU? How does Danny explain her as either Fenton or Phantom? How helpful is Dani in letting herself be explained? Does Jazz know about Dani?

like with Val, Ellie doesn't really impact the core story I wanna tell with Undercover AU, and in fact might actively be contrary to some of the things I've set up (Danny's prior loneliness, how strongly he attaches to Sam & Tuck in absence of other relationships that accept various sides of him). so I don't have any plans for her... at least not in the comics i'm making, which isn't to say there aren't some fun possibilities as like. AUs of Undercover AU LOL.

in that version maybe she's purely known as a ghost related to Phantom, and as a human she and Danny probably take a few steps to differentiate their appearances a bit more after Danny manages to convey to her how imperative neither of them get found out as halfas lest they be studied by their own parents (or, pseudo-parents, in Ellie's case). in which case she's pretty helpful to explaining who she is in any instance, even if she might antagonize danny a bit. (i'm definitely taking insp from Stove's recent doppleganger comic pfhghahsad also in the fact it makes more sense for Danny and Ellie to be the same age).... Jazz wouldn't know anything about her either, since she's not yet in the loop on ANY ghost stuff.

there's another idea i had where, in the version of this AU where Danny's ID reveal breaks bad between him, Sam, and Tuck, they stop talking to him for a while, and THAT'S when Ellie makes her entrance. can you imagine the broken state Danny is in, latching onto this strange "cousin" who seems to know all about him, and accepts him, and is just like him too? only for her to betray him to VLAD? And then betray Vlad for Danny? what a fuckin rollercoaster

[Undercover AU]

[alteridolriley]

Finding My Place [Part 1]

Heya there everyone! Today is a super special day! Today is @availe‘s birthday! Maxi is one of my very best friends, one of the most important people to me in the world so I told her to pick two pairings and I would write a fic about them. I wasn’t sure what the topic would be so I just kinda let the words flow!

This is a bullet fic because writing a whole fic is hard right now with my current state in life so I apologize.

This fic includes (in its entirety not just this part): human AU, Anxceitmus (QPR Remus/Virgil and QPR Deceit/Virgil, Demus is romantic in the ship), Logince, swearing, violence mention, angst, depression, suicidal mentions, fainting, general not taking care of yourself moods, drugs, alcohol, and.... all sides are shown in a positive light, if that matters. It’s an AU anyway.

Devyn = Deceit (That’s also important LOL)

With all that said, please enjoy!

---

Devyn knows a lot of things. He considers himself an expert in some fields but still a jack of all trades in certain situations. However, there is one thing he feels he lacks. No matter how much he thinks about it, researches it, and records the process and its results, the outcome is always the same.

"Remus, you can't just hang up those creepy curtains on the front window!" Virgil calls up the stairs. The man in question cackles and Virgil growls back. "Don't expect your villain laugh to get you out of everything. I already got an earful from the lady next door about it disturbing her kids."

"Ahhh they'll get used to it." Remus says as he walks down the stairs to meet Virgil at the bottom. He stays on the second to the last step, making himself nearly a head taller than Virgil. Without warning, Remus wraps his arms around Virgil's neck and squeezes as a big smile appears on his face. "Oh golly gee, I just love you Virgil."

The black haired boy couldn't prevent the smirk that appears on his face as he leans back and kisses Remus on the cheek. "Mhmhm… love to be a pain in my neck is more accurate."

Both of them laugh before turning to see Devyn standing in the doorway to the kitchen across from the stairs, staring at them intently. 

"Do we have something on our face?" Virgil questions before Remus jumps down and runs to Devyn, almost slapping him with his arms instead of wrapping him in a hug.

"No…" Devyn assures. He leans his head against Remus. The smallest boy fits perfectly under Devyn's arm and Virgil walks over slowly, Devyn reaching and grabbing Virgil's right hand. He brings it to his lips, kissing it gently. 

"I want a kiss!" Remus pouts.Devyn obliges, kissing him on his forehead. Remus feels his cheeks burning red as he hides his face in his partner's chest.

"Is something the matter?" Virgil questions.

"No." Devyn says quickly as a blink of panic passes Virgil's eyes. "I just still have yet to fully understand what I've done in this world to deserve this with both of you." His voice trails off at the end as his gaze fell along the house surrounding them. 

Boxes scattered everywhere, some half empty as they unpacked to live in this new beautiful home. One picture was on the mantle above the fireplace: a shot of all three of them in suits: Devyn in yellow, Virgil in a deep purple, and Remus in a forest green, framed in a brown oak frame. Their wedding day only a month prior. 

"Dee…" Remus says softly as he hugs Devyn tightly. 

Devyn feels himself remembering. He tells the two he wants to take a break while they unpack upstairs. The two agree after giving him more hugs. Devyn sits on the couch in the living room.

xxx

Devyn had just been released from prison two years prior. 

He had been wrongfully charged with murder and had his life turned upside down for over ten years.

Upon release, he met Remus at a local gay bar. He hadn't intended on falling in love with the strange man but it just sort of happened. 

Devyn quickly learned Remus was already in a relationship.

Devastated by this, Devyn cut off all contact with Remus and stopped going to that specific bar all together. 

Drinking his sorrows away at a bar closer to his home, Devyn accepts that his life as a 32 year old gay man meant that he was probably doomed to be alone forever. 

Music started playing and he realizes it was live, playing in the next room over.

He peeked in to see a huge crowd surrounding a stage. Neon purple lights lit up the band. A lead singer with a guitar, a bass player, a drummer, and a… violinist? Wait, what?

The music was beautiful and the singing amazing, but Devyn couldn't tear his eyes away from the violinist. 

Such perfect strokes and form, the melody tore right at Devyn's heart. 

The song finished with a dramatic solo from the violinist and Devyn applauded along with the crowd. 

He listened to the voices around him closely, trying to figure out who they were.

"My gosh they're all so amazing! Virgil knocked it out tonight! How does he play the violin so well??"

"Gotta give props to Roman too! He goes through those low notes to high so easily. Is he even human with that range?"

"Nah nah did you listen to that drum solo? My boy Logan is the most talented by far. The technical details in his playing is just… so damn good."

"But Patton's bass solo was good too! He's come a long way in the short time he's been playing."

"Flight of the Hearts is just an amazing band. They're gonna take the world by storm, I just know it!"

Devyn stared at the band and they signed and took photos with fans at the foot of the stage. He wanted to hear more. 

He noticed a merch table just next to them and wondered over. Two self published CDs were on the table “Dreamer” and “Cyclone” and one of just Virgil's violin creations called "Calming Yourself". 

Devyn never purchased anything faster in his life. 

A bell went off above his head once he purchased it all. 

"Major sale! All CDs plus a shirt!" A voice shouted.

Devyn felt himself wish he wasn't where he was.

Until---

The whole band came over behind the table.

"Hey thanks for your support!"

Devyn recognizes him as the lead singer (Roman?) He was built like a jock, a football player to be specific, but had very soft eyes and a gentle smile.

"Dearheart, there's no reason to yell at him. He looks utterly confused. I told you that bell wasn't the best idea…"

The drummer… Logan right? He was smaller than Roman by over a foot at least. Glasses sat on the bridge of his nose (was he wearing those on stage?) and he pushed them up. He had an air of a person who would win on Jeopardy by a mile. Logan had his arm around Roman's waist, pulling him gently back. 

"Thanks for purchasing all of our work! We really appreciate it!"

Another glasses wearer? Oh it's Patton, the bassist. Right, right. He seemed the most genuine and down to earth, at least in this instance. He gestured to take the CDs back.

"Come on everyone let's sign them!" Patton called out to his bandmates.

Roman and Logan returned, holding hands and Roman kissing their entangled fingers.

Devyn wanted what they had, desperately. He felt an emptiness in his heart.

Without realizing it, Devyn had Virgil standing in front of him closer than he would've liked. 

"Can I help you?" Devyn demanded. 

Virgil squinted his eyes and frowned. "What's your name?"

Accusatory voice, mean look… the glare peeking through his long bangs and was that heavy eyeshadow?

"We just wanna sign your stuff! Right… Virgil?"

Patton clearly fell the same unease emanating off of Virgil as Devyn did. The more he stared back at Virgil, the more angry Devyn became. 

"My name is Devyn. What about it?" Harsh tone, spat in anger.

"I knew it. I recognized that scar on your face. How fucking dare you?!" Virgil leaped over the table. "How dare you break my Remus's heart, you bastard?!"

The crowd began chanting. "Fight, fight, fight!" and before he realized it, Devyn was about to punch Virgil before both of them were pulled back. Patton had pulled back Virgil and Devyn realized Roman had grabbed him under his arms with his own.

Security had quickly corralled everyone out of the tiny room, leaving only Devyn with the band. 

Logan stood between the two warring ones. 

"What are you talking about?" Devyn demanded, shaking off Roman, nodding to agree he wouldn't fight. 

"Remus has been so upset since you cut him off. He loved you, you dickhead!" Virgil was basically foaming at the mouth. His eyes were red and filled with tears. "Why? What possessed you to do that to him?" 

Devyn's memory flashed to the last image of Remus he remembered. Smiling brightly at him as he left the bar that night over a month before. Devyn had blocked and deleted his number. Basically ghosted him. 

But…

Remus had been in a relationship, right? Devyn didn't want to force his way in and hurt someone else. 

Devyn looked up to see Patton comforting Virgil in his arms, shhhing him like a small child.

A hand landed on his shoulder. He glanced over.

Roman. 

He had a sad look in his eyes. 

"Allow me to explain, Devyn. I'll start from the beginning. I am Roman, lead singer of "Flight of the Hearts". This is my partner, Logan, our drummer. The one holding our dearest violinist, Virgil, is the wonderful Patton. He is also Virgil's older brother. Virgil's partner is Remus… the man who works at The Half Side of the Full on Center Street. He's also my twin."

Devyn blinked and realized in that moment that Roman was the spitting image of Remus, only taller and a bit more buff. He was also missing Remus's adorable mustache but that was beside the point. 

"I left Remus because he told me about you." Devyn started, glancing at Virgil. "Never mention you by name of course. Just that he had the most amazing boyfriend in the world and I decided I didn't want to break my own heart. So I left him and his perfect life alone. Because who needs a fucked up person like me in his life?!"

Devyn realized he was shouting but he didn't care. He also ignored the tears rolling down his face. His scar around his left eye burning from the salt in his tears. Devyn knew in that moment he'd always be a fuck up somehow. 

"Remus was so important to me. I love him more than anything. Because… he allowed me to forget and move on. I was no longer trapped in my lying, deceitful past. I was able to actually be me."

Devyn turned and shoved past Roman only to stop short of the exit, blocked by a familiar face. 

"Remus…" it barely left Devyn's mouth. 

"I never got to tell you." Remus said. "I was going to tell you I loved you the next day. And I wanted you to meet my boyfriend because we're both poly and you had mentioned in passing you were too. I didn't press it because well… I wasn't sure how much you enjoyed how I am."

Devyn had never seen Remus so calm. It was weird and he didn't like it. He liked his Remus bouncing off the walls, talking about his latest findings on the side of the road; alive or dead. He liked Remus when he tried to make fake blood to put on the windows for Halloween and it ended up being actual animal blood because that's how obsessed Remus was with what he did.

This calm demeanor didn't suit the wacky man at all.

"Like them…? Remus… I adore you. You were so true to yourself in ways I couldn't predict. I love that even though you were pushed away by society for who you are… you didn't let that change you. You refused to live a lie. Something I had done all my life."

Remus crossed the gap between them and in one full motion, pulled Devyn down like a princess, holding him gently in his arms.

"Let me do what I've been holding back for so long." Remus begged.

Devyn nodded and they kissed. It was soft at first, tickling Devyn's upper lip with Remus's rough mustache, before Devyn felt it deepen even further. He didn't want it to stop…

"Geez, brother! Get a room!" Roman blurted which caused the two to pull away.

Devyn licked his lips and Remus did as well, promising more later.

Remus allowed Devyn to stand as they walked back over to the rest of the group. Virgil reintroduced himself and apologized as did Devyn. Remus explained that Virgil is his QPP as Virgil is asexual and quoiromantic. Both were fine having other partners. Devyn joked about the fact that maybe he would fall for Virgil too if Virgil played him the violin more. The group laughed even though Devyn was dead serious.

As it turned out, the band, including Remus, lived together in a rented house just down the street. It wasn't glamorous or anything but enough to keep all of them out of the rain and comfortable.

As they walked in, Virgil asked Devyn about his living conditions and he dodged the question by bringing up food. 

Remus grabbed Devyn's hand and squeezed, asking again.

Devyn admitted to living in a Motel 6. It was all he could afford after being released from jail. His factory job was paying him well now but he had to consider uber fees to get to and from work. The off three days working four was nice too but he had to be careful. He had no savings to fall back on. 

Remus jumped up. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"My past is not something I am proud of." Devyn admitted. "But… it is something I should explain before we get too far into things."

To Be Continued….

[skimblyshanks]

Ok, my thoughts on first viewing:

First, this is something that I always have to remember when watching his videos: A singer/Dancer/actor he is not. While he will vouch for performers against poor direction, he is acquainted with the orchestral side of things first and foremost. This is a glaring flaw in Part V which is probably the most muddled part of the video. While I’ve yet to see him full-on go after an actor alone, he got close this time w/ Corden and Sir Ian, though this was mixed with his general issues about how orchestration was run, I wasn’t a fan of that aspect of this.

I have comments on Part V toward the end of this post.

It might feel like a “Not 1998, so movie bad” argument, but this is based on the score and decisions in music direction

that said, 98 was clearly his primary reference. He didn’t really look at M+R for this reason which I feel was a bit of wasted potential bc if he looked a bit more into the OLC’s score it would highlight how much they screwed Danny over

He used the CATS wiki during his research for this

A lot of small jabs aat the show, but they’re small, scattered, and he doesn’t let his own personal distaste for the show taint his analysis of the score

Very hostile to the film’s musical direction, and calls the vocal performances p bad, but he isn’t knocking the actors on that so much as hooper’s continued decision to put the actors’ performances in control of the orchestra’s tempo to the point they had to set up a 5 track audio system during shoots

I’m forever going to be aware now of the orchestra in Memory and the off-beat cockroaches

related to the above, There is a claim made that most of the singers didn’t properly know the music, due to the level of score mismanagement, and says that the two cleanest numbers tempo-wise, Tugger and Skimbleshanks, are likely so because they are carried by ppl very actively dancing/moving for the most part to the beat of the original piece. He isn’t 100% on that claim, but it’s still one that I wouldn’t give all the weight in the world to.

Personally, I’d say it was more likely that ensemble dance-heavier numbers got away mostly unscathed bc the cast rehearsed those at tempo and came in for shoots knowing them at tempo. He says this himself, bc he talks abt how awkward some of the numbers are for dancing in this portion of the video. so yes, there is still room for his argument, and he was also mostly directing it towards Corden, Wilson, and Sir Ian than all the numbers, but I think it’s worth considering how much of that is also just. You can know a piece, and know it at tempo, but when you’re thrust into a situation where the accompaniment follows you and the click track isn’t the first and p much only line of action while performing this live and seperate from the orchestra like how Hooper does it, the first instinct is to drag, speaking from similar experience.

Still very mad at Hooper

Inadvertently and absolutely unintentionally gave me music-theory tuggershanks justifications

All in all:

Parts I-IV were pure catharsis. He managed to break down and analyze the narrative outline of CATS superbly, and provided it in a way so the unexperienced could understand it beyond “Lol cat ppl cult try to die” and even if he doesn’t care for the show, he clearly understands the story beats and the strengths of the score. I can sit through his negative tone for that. He attacks the writing of Victoria as protagonist, but not because there could never possibly be a protagonist, rather because in introducing her as the protagonist they undermined Jemima’s role in the original story, and saw Victoria touching Grizabella as special because it was Victoria, and not bc for the first time, no one stopped her (All of the younger cats tried to get close to Griz in act I, Vic included, and were stopped. While she is the most visually striking choice, he argues that the impact is meant to be in the fact that this time, she’s allowed freely. Her acceptance is facilitated by the tribe’s acceptance at large). There’s also discussion on Beautiful Ghosts’ placement making her seem unsympathetic, and her generally confused character writing. He addresses how multiple instances of blocking and choreo are directly in opposition to proper breath support. He does a mahor takedown on the way Hooper runs his audio for his movies; having the orchestra follow actor, always.

Part V is the weakest section of the video, bc he ends up spending time arguing that the actors didn’t know the music even when explaining that Having the orchestra submit to the actor was detrimental to all parties back in Part IV. Part V is named dance rehearsal, and you’d think then that he would adress the number of dance rehearsals vs the number of vocal rehearsals, which is where I thought the part was going, but it wasn’t. Good points were raised thru Tugger and Skimble’s numbers; both being fast-paced, dance-intensive, and dancer-led all likely contributed to their objective musical quality being maintained, but there really is a lot to examine in the way of vocal rehearsals, bc for all we know solo actors could have been told to learn their songs at their own pace and not fret the tempo so much, in which case it is ultimately a failing moreso on the director than them.

Part V really highlights Sideways’ distance from the performers’ side of things. While it’s true that when Orchestra enters rehearsal, you should already know the score by that point, this is where an examination of the rehearsal process for this movie would have been most needed, bc for actors there are vocal rehearsals before orchestra is introduced, and if Hooper didn’t have them rehearsing with set click tracks, if he or the vocal director weren’t advising them to practice at tempo, there’s only so much blame to be laid at the actors’ feet. After establishing in Part IV how very muddled the audio system was during shoots, it might also have been good to mention the utter crunch everyone involved in the movie was under, including actors. He ignores that the cast is largely made up of dancers, and in doing so implies that Francesca was unprofessional and didn’t properly learn her song when she had almost no time to learn it. It was a section of wasted potential, basically. He talked in the Les Mis video abt the danger Hooper put his cast in with his directorial practices, but we don’t get a condemnation of the utter lack of proper prep time actors were given before being sent to shoot with a piano and orchestra that weren’t allowed to follow the set tempo.

A reminder that p much all active production for this movie, including dance and vocal rehearsal was done within the year. Times where that works: the 1998 film, where the cast was made of alumni and current cast members, working with largely universal choreography by Gillian Lynne, and all having prior stage experience.

Times that doesn’t really work: When you have a cast with several new ppl, alumni from various casts who learned different choreography, and an entirely new set of choreography to be learned on top of that, along with not casting any alumni in parts that carry large numbers, save for Dame Judi Dench, who instead of playing the role she was once slated for, instead had to manage a role usually played by an operatic Baritone. Francesca and Steven both learned to sing FOR this movie. a good handful of the performers have not been in stage productions before. With the production schedule of this movie, and the convoluted setup for live performances while shooting, it wasn’t fair of Sideways to position it like the actors ought to have known better and shown up with the songs all at tempo, especially when he himself established earlier on and in his Les Mis video that Hooper assumes his actors know what they’re doing and won’t step in.

[tinderthecity]

Mr. Meet Cute

The Holiday is one of my romcom guilty pleasures. It is also the movie that taught me the “meet cute” - that instance in a movie where two people serendipitously meet, that right place, right time, lock eyes moment.

Maybe it’s the rush of the unexpected, or this “meant to be” feeling as though the universe is giving you the stamp of serendipitous approval, but whatever it is, most people (myself included) seem to want and crave these moments.

One trip home to New York after a visit to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, I went to board my flight and was offered priority seating (the perks of running extremely late I guess :D). I took my seat and noticed a very attractive guy walk onto the plane. He threw his pack and attached construction hat in the overhead bin and took the aisle seat next to me. Priority seating is right. ;]

He was definitely around my age, tall, broad, had medium short brown hair and big kind brown eyes. I, of course, was entirely unprepared. Catching a late night flight and not accustomed to being sat next to Hottie McHotties, I had zero make up on, unwashed hair in a high pony, and a sweatshirt on.... thanks so much universe.

I couldn’t tell you how it started, but shortly after he sat we started talking to each other. I found out he was a manager of a construction company on a layover in Minnesota from a work trip in Colorado, and that he lived in Westchester New York. My first thought was - oh good, he was also on a plane home ;]. I told him I was working at Fordham University and that I planned to go for a masters degree. We ended up talking about spirituality and politics, and it wasn’t until we were well in the air that we both decided to zone into those complementary Delta movies.

Once we landed, we spoke a little again. I asked how he would manage to get home from the airport in Queens up to his home Westchester, knowing the public transit for me into Manhattan was nightmare enough. He explained that he had a car in the airport parking lot and would drive himself home. Immediately, he looked at me and offered to give me a ride too. It was extremely kind of him, but it was already 11pm. I knew my apartment was entirely out of the way for him, and even though I was getting a pretty harmless vibe from him, a part of me is always cautious of putting myself into vulnerable situations with people I’ve only just met. So I insisted that I would find my own way home.

I figured he may have quickly thought of the vulnerable situation himself, because he didn’t press any further. As we went to exit the plane, I had to walk a little ways toward the back to retrieve my carryon luggage, and by the time I walked off, he was already gone.

I was pretty bummed. We didn’t exchange numbers or even last names. At that point, I knew the chance was lost and I would have to chalk up the experience to a nice plane ride with a cute guy.

-----------------------------------------

Fast-forward a few weeks later. I decided to head to midtown in order to finish up some Christmas shopping. As soon as I hopped off the subway I felt the craving for a cup of coffee or tea. For some reason, I struggled to figure out where the closest Starbucks was (there literally on just about every corner so I was clearly having a stroke). I remembered there was one in Manhattan Mall so I walked in and saw a relatively long line at the little pop up Sbucks. The guy at the end of the line looked up at me and all of the sudden went “Chloé?” And there he was.... the cutie from the airplane. I absolutely could not believe it. I immediately felt the shock of that serendipitous meet cute moment that happens only in movies and never in real life. 

I also could not believe that yet again, I looked frumpy af... almost zero makeup, hair up, jacket on. Lol thanks again universe.

He offered to buy my coffee, so we chatted in line a bit. He was in midtown for a work meeting and on his break he somehow ended up at the same Starbucks as me. We talked about our weekends a bit and he mentioned hiking with some family members in upstate New York. I asked for the name of the park he went to and he said, “here why don’t you give me your number and I’ll text it to you. Plus, this way we can run into each other on purpose sometime.”

I casually said “yeah definitely,” but inside I was DYING. I could not believe that only a few weeks after our failed chance, we were softballed another, and he took it.

As he ran to his meeting, he texted me the park location. I responded “Thank you :]” and that was the end of our conversation.

Later that night he texted me

Him: “Hey Chloe it was good to see you again!” Me: “It was good to see you too! Thank you for the tea :]”

I figured him reaching out meant he would maybe want to follow up on meeting each other on purpose, but he didn't say anything. I felt a little confused but everyone I mentioned the story too said he was clearly interested and thought maybe he needed something more clear and distinct from me. So I texted him the next day:

Me: Hey ___, if you do want to run into each other on purpose on of these days let me know, coffee is on me.

He never responded.

All of my dating experience in New York has lead me to be exceedingly skeptical even when everything seems to point in the obvious “they’re into you” direction. But even so, I have to admit that after all of that, I was pretty bummed and confused. Why offer the ride home from the airport? Why offer to buy my coffee? Why offer to exchange phone numbers with the intention to meet up on purpose? So many offers... and yet?

I couldn’t fully understand it.

------------------------------------------------

I remember telling this story to a friend a year later. We were talking about how ideal it would be to meet someone in person rather than online, but I warned that the medium might not change the outcome much, at least my experience didn’t seem any clearer or easier. 

About two days after telling her the Mr. Meet Cute story, I found myself inside of Manhattan Mall, buying myself a coffee. I thought to myself, hey it’s been a year since I spoke to Mr. Meet Cute. Who knows if there was something else going on in his life that I didn’t know about at the time, and what could it hurt to reach out to him again?

So I did.

(I was glad to hear form him but definitely noticed that it took him a week to respond) ^

(the next day)

Laundry....?

And that was it... I never heard from him, and I never tried to reach out again. 

I figured at this point, if I didn’t see initiative on his end, it wasn’t worth it. I’m definitely willing to put myself out there and initiate, but shared intentionality is really important, particularly in the beginning of getting to know someone.

I wasn’t mad or frustrated with him, you never know why someone is doing the things they are, but I was confused, just as I had been a year prior. Yet again, I felt this consistent effort from him to offer opportunities to meet up followed by continued hesitation to follow through. I’m sure there are any number of reasons, none of which are probably personal to me.

Still, it was unfortunate. I mean what a cool meeting story would that be? Am I right? But this point in my dating life, I also understood that how you meet someone isn’t what substantiates it, it’s how you interact with one another from then on.

Simply put, I guess a meet cute doesn’t guarantee an end cute.

[mittensmorgul]

300, and other random observations

Last night Mel and I were scouring the episode looking for the expected obvious “300″ to jump out from some random door or building number, or appear SOMEWHERE in the episode the way 100 did in 5.18:

or 200 did in 10.05:

In case it isn’t obvious from this image, this is the 200 Motel:

So I was looking for the 300 in 14.13, and weirdly didn’t find anything quite this obvious. I rambled a bit about my search here on @drsilverfish;s post:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182669346730/14x13-lebanon-some-silent-storytelling-notes-on

But I saw some interesting things in the pawn shop and around Lebanon that I can appreciate, as well as some very well hidden “300″ references. Basically this is just my Jerry Wanek appreciation post, because what a guy!

All screencaps are from hotn.

The one thing I’d overlooked as a HUGE “300″ is the most prominently featured guitar in the shop:

That one right in the middle, raised up above the others, looks a bit downtrodden. It’s missing its strings, first off. While another guitar is labeled “PLAY ME!” this one isn’t playable at all. And yet it might be the rarest instrument in the shop, and with a bit of tlc could easily be worth thousands. It’s a ww2 era Gibson ES300. Between 1942 and 1946, Gibson only produced a few acoustic guitars, since metals for the electric pickups were needed for the war effort. I think this could be one of those guitars. So talk about a big, blaring 300. Unstrung, a product of war, seemingly unplayable, but with care and attention, possibly the most valuable and precious instrument in the shop. Easy to see why it’s given pride of place.

But again, this isn’t an obvious 300. You kinda have to know something about something to even recognize it among all the other second-hand guitars.

(also lol at the giant tv in the background that makes us think of 13.16)

(and lol at the tuba that makes me think of the house of horns or whatever from 6.06. This show has such a bizarre history with pawn shops...)

Under a cut because this got way longer and more rambly and tangential than I intended >.>

There’s a lot going on just at the register:

Roadhouse Monkey, “You break it, you buy it,” and the sign that says “Your baby daddy sitting in jail? Sell your gold and get bail!” with the weirdest assortment of random jewelry pictured on it... and oddly a mala draped around the register itself. Clearly this dude hasn’t been using his mala for meditation practice.

In the post I linked above, I already described their entrance into the secret back room, where everything was “one of a kind” and we immediately saw two identical goblets. Go read that post for more on that. :D

Behind the goblets, it almost looks like a heart frozen in a block of something. But what the shop owner points to is a Hand of Glory, which was the central magical item from 3.06, the plot of which had to do with people who committed acts of violence against family (and the spell they found to banish the ghost killing people forever contained the first use of the word “Castiel” on the show).

He goes on to point out “gris gris bags” and “anointed dove’s blood.” Gris gris bags are protective talismans, which my brain immediately associates with Gordon Walker. He traded his to Bela for the Winchesters’ location in 3.07, and after giving it up, he was turned into a vampire and then killed by Sam. I can’t remember any use for the dove’s blood in canon...

It’s hard to see, but one shelf over is a Jason Voorhees style hockey mask (which is interesting to me because of 14.04 and the horror movie callbacks that were referenced later in 14.13 again at the movie theater in Lebanon playing All Saint’s Day and Hell Hazers). Not to mention as we talked about during 14.04, the original “monster” they were supposed to fight with in 3.10 in their nightmares was Jason, but Kripke didn’t realize they couldn’t obtain the rights to it, so that scene had to be cut. So in a roundabout way we get another reference to that iconic scene between Dean and his demon self, rejecting John’s influence over him. Beside the mask is the first of three Centurion Helmets we see in the episode (actually the second instance is probably this helmet again, but in a different context, in the box the teens steal from the Impala and take into their party house, along with the teddy bear Sam plays with here in a minute).

There’s the spray bottle of Dragon’s Breath, that looks like an innocent bottle of perfume with the squeezy bulb, but shoots out a gout of fire. 

Inside his safe, along with the skull of Sarah Goode, executed during the Salem Witch Trials, is an odd assortment of things, double-locked inside this already secret room:

It looks like a clock of some sort, a brass globe, and a genie’s oil lamp. But it’s the fact he had the skull at all, stolen from a murdered hunter that they knew, meant that he’d been involved with that horrific crime, like the previous references to Bela who traded in these artifacts (and had sold the hand of glory when she’d needed to destroy it to save her own life... I mean this was pretty heavy Bela parallels here), the owner turns the Dragon’s breath on them and pulls out a saber:

It’s called “Chrysaor.” Whether the one from Spenser’s “The Faerie Queene” that belonged to Sir Artegal, the Knight of Justice, and had supposedly been used by Zeus to battle the Titans, or to the offspring of Poseidon and Medusa and the brother of Pegasus, or whether it was a nod to Assassin’s Creed (I honestly think it’s the former and the latter is a bonus here...)

This reminded me SO MUCH of Gog and Magog and their Special Swords forged by a god, with the reference back to Zeus and the Titans here, AND to the actual circumstances around how Dean managed to kill them. Because Gog and Magog... just would not shut up. Dean even lampshades the fact this guy stood there with the sword over his head, raised above Sam sprawled on the ground the same way Cas was in 13.14:

But he talked long enough about Cas’s “beautiful death” that Dean was able to stab him from behind, just as he was able to shoot the store owner now, because he wouldn’t stop talking. Forged by a god, touched by God...

Then we see the store’s secret ledger:

I honestly don’t want to know what’s in the “genitalia jar.” But these entries are dated from 1956. How long has this shop been into this sort of shady business? At least as far back as the original MoL was operating in the US (they were annihilated in 1958 by Abaddon). And there’s even a reference to a “Men of Letters membership discussion” in the ledger:

Of interest on the next page is a lock of hair from a victim of HH Holmes (taking us back to 2.06), as well as trinkets associated with Vlad the Impaler and Napoleon, a “bag of sorrows,” and a “razor of the damned.” Among other items of interest.

But here’s the page with the magical pearl:

And nowhere in this book does it say the pearl “gives you what your heart desires.” It says, “a pearl that grants wishes.” So... where did Sam get that additional information? I find it fascinating how things that are written in books are interpreted in a much broader fashion by the reader-- first Dean with the book Billie gave him in 14.10, and now Sam with this entry in this ledger.

Because this has been happening a lot.

For example in the scene immediately prior to this, the kids outside are talking about the Winchesters when they actually drive up. Their conversation is really interesting:

Eliot: People say they’re brothers. All I know is I was standing right here when-- when I heard this BAM! from the trunk of their car. And then, this like, shallow breathing. Max: No way. Flower Shirt Girl: Eliot, you’re creeping Max out.

I have to assume this was when they still had Garth in the trunk of the car, and just :’). Eliot is making some assumptions, but he’s much more terrifyingly accurate than he probably could guess. And Max’s flippant comment in her next scene proves it:

Eliot: I mean think about it. Where do they even come from? Them or their weird sidekick with the trenchcoat. Or what about the kid with the dumb Bambi look on his face all the time? Max: So what, it doesn’t mean they kidnapped Bigfoot or whatever.

And they all laugh, and Eliot calls them dicks. :P

And all of this makes me think of how the show spent the early part of the season teaching us how to read between the lines, to fill in narrative gaps, and to parse the subtext to understand exactly what it was they were actively not showing us.

Like in the scene at the party house where the John Wayne Gacy clown appears, we don’t see Dean thrown by the clown (just as we didn’t see the other boy who was attacked escape from the clown), nor do we see Sam light the fire that burned the cigar box tethering the ghost. But it’s clear that Dean was thrown because we saw him land, and Sam obviously eventually got his lighter to work because there’s the evidence of the flames.

Also, did they bring that old pickup truck from the bunker? Because they should DEFINITELY drive that thing more often. :’)

And Eliot follows his instincts, wanting to know what’s up and witnesses the ghost going up in flames. And he knows what he saw, and doesn’t even question it. When Sam confirms it, he feels so validated. Just like us when we read the subtext and fill in the blanks.

I have no idea how I got here from rambling about finding the 300′s in the episode but here we are.

OH. Right! The Centurion Helmets!

The first we see was in the shop pictured above. We see it again at the Party House in the Establishing Shot inside, nestled in a box with Sarah Goode’s skull, which was the original Macguffin that led Sam and Dean to that pawn shop in the first place, which enabled them to find the pearl to even be able to make this wish at all:

And the second and third Centurions are on the wall of B&E Pizza:

(and the one on the other side of the menu board hasn’t been screencapped yet, but is much more clearly visible than this one because Cas lights it up:

Three Centurions. Each of whom commands a century, or a group of 100 soldiers. So I’m going to use the fact that the show is actively telling us to notice and read between the lines, and assume we’re seeing yet another 300.

Especially after Misha’s tweet joking about it: https://twitter.com/mishacollins/status/1093606706532282371

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 053.

do you sing in the shower? oh every single time. Its something I look forward to. 

do you think money makes people happy? As someone who currently relies on birthdays and holidays as her income, I can tell you it would relieve a bit of stress from me to even have like 100 bucks a month.

what's your relationship status? single.

what time is it? 12:25 am

what emotion are you feeling right now? I’m all over the place. Tonight Kile and I were messaging back n forth in a consistent manner which we haven’t done in a long time. Things were a bit romantic, which was extremely hard for me to deny participation in, and then it ended with me saying bye. boy it is hard to let go of him

do you have netflix? I do.

have you ever traveled outside your home country? no. Sadly, without a shot I will not be getting, I’m unsure of how I’ll be able to until the restrictions lessen.

coffee or tea? teeeeeeea pls.

shower or bath? Shower unless the bath is deep enough to cover my long self. 

what's your favorite pizza topping? depends on what kind of pizza. For instance, Jacks just GETS how to do supreme. some places nail the pepperoni, or fresh garlic or whatever. 

what's something that makes you happy? thinking about decorating my own place one day.

do you have siblings or are you an only child? I have 2 brothers and 1 sister

what's your favorite instrument? Piano, cello, drums

what's your favorite food? today it is fruity pebbles.

what is something you are always losing? I am pretty consistent on things going back to their original spot. I suppose if I’m losing something maybe it’d be like a scrunchie.

are you good at spelling? a good amount of the time.

what is one goal you have? all my goals are shifting.

did you get a flu shot this year? Nooo. never have. 

what's your favorite Disney movie? oh boy. i am not good with narrowing down those. are you bored? Not really, I’m just trying to keep my mind occupied until I’m sleepy.

what are you listening to? serendipity, bennys tail hitting my pillow, and my fans.

what's your favorite foreign language? I think it depends. are we talking for the way it sounds? or one that I’d want to learn?

what do you do when you can't sleep? this, read, find quotes, do puzzles, stare at the ceiling.

do you like cats or dogs better? this is one of my very least favorite questions to be asked. why would anyone want to choose between the two? both are so great.

do you have any piercings? Just my ears

what's your favorite vegetable? Potatoes

do you eat meat? Yeah.

what's your favorite season? any of them minus summer. Honestly, probably winter. 

do you still write letters? I love to, but I no longer have anyone to write to. 

what would make you really happy right now? i think a distraction that comes from having a crush.

what's your favorite song? ooo this changes but right now i’m into a lot of blue october.

are you good at giving advice? so, I’m the person you go to for advice if you want the moral, behaved, “you won’t regret this later” type advice. I’m great at giving that.

what's your favorite hobby? Right now, this.

do you prefer to talk or text? That is going to depend on the person. almost always text. But some people.. their voice is just intoxicating.

what's your favorite pair of shoes? I’m going to have to trash all my shoes for ones with heel support. 

how often do you read? (as in books) usually daily, but I’ve fallen out of that lately.

do you have any pets? I have 2 cats currently. I really want a golden retriever, but hey.

what's your favorite day of the week? they’re all similar at the moment, but probably saturdays

are you in college? I’m in the inbetween. Finished 2 bachelors, but am waiting for grad program

are you/have you ever been in a long distance relationship? I have been,

how do you typically listen to music? I use Spotify. either thru my headphones, my bluetooth speaker, the kitchen google, or my phone.

do you like going to the beach? I do so long as I have shade or the water is good to swim in.

did you make any new year's resolutions? I think pandemic NY resolutions were all about survival thru mentally exhausting times.

how old are you? 29 yrs young

do you know anyone who is blind? I do

who is someone you admire? My mom

do you have a good singing voice? when I was a kiddo, preteen, and teen yes. not any longer.

are your nails painted? Nope. I just wanted a break from keeping up with them.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? I’m an introvert but I can behave very well with the extroverts.

what are you having/had for dinner tonight? I had some tacos.

do you ever write in a journal? I would like to begin again, but this is a decent makeshift option

if you could time travel when/where would you go? I mean I’d love to go back to some great memories, but I worry that could be painful beyond repair.

what's your favorite animal? whales.

what's your favorite kind of cereal? honestly my cravings for cereal are for any kinds that I can no longer have. so dont ask.

how was your day? I’m only 44 minutes into it.

do you ever listen to classical music? I do. Clair de lune is one of the best 

what inspires you? learning. learning always inspires me.

how many pillows do you sleep with? I have like 20. OK huge exaggeration. I believe the true number of sleeping pillows is 4 large, 1 mini. 

how many hours of sleep do you need? I typically run off of about 3. I’ve had sleep studies done regarding that. But If I’m getting good oxygen and the temp is coooooooold I sleep so good.

do you have big or small feet? I have pretty average to slightly bigger. 

what's the weather like where you are? It’s been in the upper 80s.

what's the most interesting thing you can see out the window? just the reflection from my TV. it’s real dark out.

does/did your high school have a school song? no.

what month is your birthday in? July.

what's your dream job? the brain.

are you excited for summer? I’ve had a lovely summer, truly.

what foreign country would you want to live in for 6 months? switzerland.

did you have to go to school today? No, no I have not.

win a million $$ or never have to pay for anything again? Never have to pay for anything. Why would that even be a question. do you throw coins into fountains? when I was a kiddo

do you have a trampoline? Nope

what's your favorite song lyric? what if we could put our lives on hold and meet somewhere inside of the world, I would meet you... would you meet me? 

what did you eat the last time you went to the movies? Ill be honest IDK if we even got food.

do you ever measure time in songs? only if I’m in the shower. I’ll be like ahhh I’m 4 songs in.

do you know how to play chess? I’ve been taught MULTIPLE times. have I retained any of them? na.

what's your favorite game? (any type) right now I’m digging skipbo, trionomos, rummykub, and trouble.

do you enjoy traveling? I love it. so much.

do you tend to wait till the last minute? nope. I’m almost always 2 weeks prior

have you ever owned a goldfish? Yep!

how do you relieve stress? go on a drive. 

without looking it up, guess the outside temperature? I’d guess maybe 70. lemme see how close I am. 68!

now look it up - how close were you? woops. 68! two off.

do you prefer digital or analog clocks/watches? Digi. 

do you prefer to shop in stores or online? I almost always prefer online, but in store has its own perks like seeing the quality of things.

do you enjoy coloring? oh heck’n yea do you like to dance? I do!

have you ever owned a horse? my family did, yes

do you take selfies? oh i do. MUCH less now, than I did before. before I used to send kile like 10 a day. now I might take 2 per week.

do you ever listen to music in languages besides English? Not often, but on occasion

have you ever cried from listening to a song? absolutely.

do you prefer headphones or earbuds? so I appreciate how headphones are safer for the ears, but i typically wear earbuds.

can you speak Spanish? Very little. like a few words

what's the last thing you watched on youtube froggy freshhhhhhhhh dunked on now what time is it? 12:57. Im getting sleepy. --------- ok now it’s 859 am. I passed out last night.

do you ever watch musicals? sometimes. it’s not my favorite thing

do you know anyone who's a twin? Yeppp

do you ever get carsick? oh heck yeah, i do love the windows open

what's your opinion on wolves? I really never had an opinion. check back.

when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? sad. indulge me

do you like seafood? Nooo. i wish

do you enjoy going to the zoo? no. i really dont. are there any celebrities from your hometown? uhhhh not that I know of

do you shower in the morning or at night? morning if I was great hair. If I want meh hair, night

do you prefer to work alone or in a group? Alone. ALWAYS.

do you go to the gym alone or with a friend? I don’t go to the gym. < problem solved.

do you like coconut? I like the scent but not the food. <<< SAME who is someone you're jealous of? JV for her abs

what's your favorite place to go out for breakfast? eggheadz

do you still have your christmas tree up? nah. its a tickle early (july)

do you have a favorite type of bird? cardinal.

have you ever had an overnight flight anywhere? yup. plenty of times.

if you use them, tell me 5 of your recently used emojis heart eyes, disappointed looking off to the side, sad face with eyes closed, hearts all over the face, and rolling eyes.

do you know anyone that plays the violin? yep. 

how much money is in your wallet right now? I would need to count

anything you're looking forward to tomorrow? having been done with packing lol

have you ever auditioned for anything? yeah I used to do auditions all the time for plays I was in.

did you have a webkinz when you were younger? No.

how would you describe your aesthetic? airy, comfy, inviting, warm

have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? yeah a couple times but its like not even a tiny bit close.

when was the last time you rode a bus? i have never.

if you saw $50 on the ground what would you do? is there a wallet attached?

do you know how to play any unusual instruments? yeah. don’t ask me. I’m not pleased about it.

are you an early bird or a night owl? kind of both. 

have you ever had trouble understanding someone because of an accent? oh yes. But the more time you spend talking to those individuals who have accents stronger than what you’re used to, become very easy to understand over time.

do you ever go to Massachusetts? I’ve never been but I’d love to go.

do you personally know anyone who is transgender? yeah a few people I’ve met through school. 

do you remember anything from when you were 5 or younger? yeah a few very small memories. 

do you need to do laundry? yes I desperately need to pack and I’m waiting on the laundry for that to happen. 

do you know anyone (including yourself) who actually enjoys math? NOT ME. not even close to me. Kile seemed to like it. 

do you have a favorite poem? the one written for meeeeee

if you were from somewhere else, would you visit your town on vacation? I don’t think i’d think of it, it’s not near anything specific.

where would you spend $100 if you had to spend it all in one store? amazon.

would you rather go to Japan or Greece? Greece.

now what song are you listening to? Gilmore girls, text notifications, fans

what are you wearing right now? shorts and a blue teeshirt. Bout to just be in a short shorts so I can tan. 

any fun plans for the weekend? travelingggggg.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Lithuania brings yellow fever to Rotterdam 2021

...okay...

...I feel the rhythm...

*swoosh*

...something’s going on here...

*another swoosh*

The music flows through my ve-e-e-ve-veins𝒔𝒔𝒔𝒔𝒔𝒔𝒔

---------------------

IT’S TAKING OVER MEEEEEE

oh NO IVETA WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE IN LITHUANIA REVIEW GO HOME

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

‘Bout the fucking time I am gonna talk about our bois, eh?

The Roop formed somewhere in around 2009, back when the lead singer Vaidotas Valiukevičius probably felt like he needed to be in a band, after many years of twists and turns of being a solo pop sensation and then it all ceasing a year prior. In 2009 he did get to cross paths with the drummer Robertas and the guitarist Mantas, one of them not being very fond of working with a former pop sensation but eventually giving into it. They had a small start, kinda went nowhere, but in the end they did start get some gigs at some point, and the gigs were small. For a band existing for so long and needing recognition, something eventually happened and they ended up on the Eurovizijos 2018 with “Yes, I Do”, which is more closer to the band’s older repertoire, because of course, they hadn’t hit big with their new sound just yet.

And when I first heard it, I was mindblown how good and stylish did it sound??? Yeah, somehow, I would never have had this sort of expectation in my life that I would’ve been mesmerized by a band I’ve never heard of (but I’ve heard of its lead singer and his past career but haven’t thought of him in years), but it’s just nowadays the thing that happens to me, when artists I don’t have many expectations for by name just slay my existence. (Major paragraphs about one such act coming up on my last review before the 2021 final)

What clicked with me is that song has the undertones about overcoming depression, because Vaidotas was diagnosed with one a year earlier, and it’s coming from Lithuania of all countries... Lithuania, the fucking country that’s number 1 or at the very least top 5 in suicides in handful of categories. And I would’ve loved to see us send such anthem of hope and light for those in need of it, but alas... we preferred love story and husband on stage (who broke up with her anyway sometime later because mutual reasons idek). Not that I’m mad, but it left me miffed and clamouring for The Roop to one day make their big Eurovision break.

And they did! 2 years later we saw the group re-emerge in the new Lithuanian NF’s format, Pabandom iš naujo 2020, with a song that’s different to their usual back-then style, the sleek and quirky dance hit “On Fire”. All was swell and we were actually doing well in the odds and were many people’s faves, but once again, for The Roop it was not meant to reach their dream of reaching out to more audiences, for that Eurovision that they were going to was cancelled, but the panini didn’t stop them, and they still ended up becoming one of the biggest current Lithuanian acts, still getting gigs during the panorama and all that, and awarded for all they had to be awarded for in the Lithuanian Grammy’s equivalent M.A.M.A. This indeed was just the beginning for them. Oh right and they also won the German Eurovision event thingy in place of the real one. And got a silver plastic miniature of the Eurovision trophy. Life is fine.

Then they got a record deal with Warner Music Baltics, went to Finland to do some music work with another Warner branch, and that’s just a part of how “Discoteque”, their entry, was born. It’s a dancy upbeat song, and its lyrics are all about the freedom to dance alone. Nothing to do about quarantine eventhough the “alone”ness suggest otherwise, lol.

REVIEW

I was craving this moment ever since. Though, I kinda thought that the “Discoteque” title was weird on the first glance at the participants/entries list, and not because of it being written without an h. It’s because... The Roop? Going funky? Throwback-esque? After the modernity that “On Fire” was?? hmmm k show what you got mwah mwah xx

And then when it released, it hit me very unexpectedly. Like. Okay. This sounds weird. Very bass-driven, in a way. It has an opening monologue, and a clicking chorus with a KILLER INSTRUMENTAL SECTION???? The one where it makes their hands go crazy when it goes on???

There’s just so much that was put into “Discoteque” that makes it stand out. They even explained certain parts of their song in the music video’s description, like, the extremely syllabic staccato chorus harkens back to the Lithuanian folklore days the way the melody is sung, the bridge made up of odd beatbox noises is meant to symbolize the first human music to ever exist (possibly from mouth sounds), and there’s also this out of key tinkly tune on the bridge that I can’t help but note everytime I listen. As well as I like noting that moment when his voice glitches out in the intro before the verse, and the hi-hats clapping 4 times before the second verse stars. I just love me some little details.

The lyrics are somewhat simplistic, with still some grammar gripes (never heard a soul say “wounded soul” without indicating if it’s “a” or “my” wounded soul???), but at least somewhat better and less cliche than rhyming “fire” with “desire” WHO DOES THAT. But props to The Roop for simply just making people not mind that lyric (at least at large) and now we ended up with an OGAE voting winning song / contender with the “fire / desire” rhyme thrown in there. Mad respect lol. (Yeah and also not a huge fan of the “body’s shaking” line, I guess that’s just me that hates certain words/word combos or think they’re just too weird in context. Apologies)

No but for real, they have crafted and put down a LOT of details in this song, and not just it, but also the choreography (according to them, all inspired by their childhood) and the video (same inspirations as for the choreography), and the whole vibe, and the outfits, and the color scheme (predominantly yellow with purple backdrop and also checkered visuals)... every single thing was crafted out to perfection and I fucking adore it, and I couldn’t have wanted any other way. The MOVES are in THAT specific order they want, although hard to memorize in sequence though, no matter how many times the Roop taught us to dance like them. Also this finger fucker dance move which I still cannot practice without realizing mine are jerky:

No wonder you got them pointing at you, mister, shit’s hard to practice!

And the music video trajectory, oh the music video trajectory (that is still not uploaded on Eurovision’s Youtube channel for some reason. Has it got anything to do with Warner?). Okay, it starts with an “On Fire” callback, with the band leaving to their dressing room, and Vaidotas is by the mirror with his white turtleneck, while a riff begins and he just starts feeling the peculiarity and reveals his yellow suit, and everyone goes for a dance, firstly just with all of the crew that is back from last year (the three Roop members + dancers Marijanas and Miglė), then with a bunch of people in stylish bowl wigs, and then they go back to the dressing room for one final mirror selfie.

my absolute favourite moment is this though. ahh yeah go ahead and feel yaselves

Though I gotta ask, was this move really inspired by Arvydas Sabonis or did Arvydas Sabonis influence The Bangles to walk like an Egyptian first?

It’s yet another quirky song from them, in a somewhat less conventional but at the same time more conventional way. Might have taken me a little time to get invested in it a a bit more, but if it’s an instant success with audiences, I can’t fault them for it, absolutely.

Approval factor: Absolutely. I wanted them for a long time, I am not disappointed. Follow-up factor: Both songs from The Roop are amazing, and also, LRT trusted in them to participate in the next selection once it will be held, and so they did give in, and LRT appointed them an automatic spot in the NF final (which they haven’t done since 2008), and they won fairly and squarely with an unimaginably big amount of televotes lol. We love our Roops. So the follow-up is just as good as the previous entry, which I still sometimes do prefer and think it would’ve stood a bigger chance to win unlike “Discoteque”, but we’ll see, we’ll see. Qualification factor: lol this is like the surest we’ve been about our qualification in years. Now I don’t wanna last-minute jinx it or anything, but we do have a slick performance and a song that’s somewhat of a clicker at first listen, so yeah, there’s your reasons why we pretty much shouldn’t fail, even if as semi openers. (And mind you, the openers to Eurovision in the 2020s, at least the actually happening Eurovision! Sorry Sweden 2020, The Mamas at least started the 2020s for Melodifestivalen xx)

NF CORNER

Now, just because The Roop were the clear standouts of an otherwise so-so NF, doesn’t mean there hasn’t been any decent songs. Like for instance:

• Gebrasy - Where’d You Wanna Go? I’ve actually been slightly rooting for this guy ever since he didn’t go by his stage name yet and sang a song co-penned by Michael Schulte (yes, THAT Michael Schulte, apparently) in 2018, and now it’s just astonishing about the amount of recognition he received with his fairly competent pop ballad piece (if it wouldn’t have done a Jurijus this year) about what sounds like a road accident. Many people said that if The Roop weren’t in this year, he would’ve won easily, but if not for The Roop, who knows how else would’ve the lineup sounded?

• Gabrielius Vagelis - My Guy Sounds like a love song to a guy, is actually about your own personal cheerleader that you can call “my guy”, I guess... simple synthpop piece performed by a competent and yet also very underrated by the televotes every single year he’s competed in singer, with his constant fashion choices additionally bringing him down a slight notch. Also would be a nice future ESC candidate, who knows when though, because Gebrasy is the main focus first, I guess.

And a few other songs I kinda liked, but I don’t wanna go too much in detail about each.

NF CORNER (NON-COMPETITIVE)

Organization-wise, we gotta say that we’re getting towards a pretty neat and tidy organized NF ever since Pabandom iš naujo format had even started. Sure, there were some withdrawal dramas from before the lineup (one of them being Evelina Sašenko who represented Lithuania 10 years ago already), and also the pressure of The Roop ending up as automatic finalists, and making some competitors feel like their tries are not worth it when there’s an obvious elephant in the room? But otherwise, not much notable has happened.

Except interval acts. Some good fucking food. Each and every time. Lithuania’s refined talentry jumped out constantly. My faves were Sisters On Wire though.

Maybe they could bring the chilled out pop rock sound that The Roop tried to carry out in 2018? Who knows.

Also this guy called Voldemars Petersons sang his entry in multiple different styles, trying to give versatile genre roulette artists a run for their money. Good for him I guess

Also, manly tears on live TV

ANY LAST WORDS?

The Roop knows just how proud the nation Lithuania is of them tonight. If I know them right, they’ll stay cool, calm and collected before the show and manage to give out their best to bring Lithuania a certified final placing, and possibly a good final finish. I am grateful for them ever having had an opportunity to showcase themselves, and I will forever look back on “Discoteque” as one of the best we’ve ever sent.

SĖKMĖS LIETUVA!!! SĖKMĖS THE ROOP!!! LET’S DISCOTEQUE WOOOOOOOOOO 💛🖖💜

[ghoultyrant]

Madoka: Rebellion

So I finally watched Madoka: Rebellion because some people insisted I would actually like it and have my concerns about its awfulness addressed if I watched it.

These people were badly mistaken.

Massive spoilers, of course.

As with my FoZ notes, [bracketed text] is notes I added in after the original writing, taking into account information from later in the movie.

---------------------

So wait, in Fixed-Verse, anyone can Witch out? (Yes I know they're called 'Nightmares' now. You know what I see? SUPER WITCHES) WHAT THE FUCK MADOKA. [We’re not actually seeing fixed-verse, so it’s not as dumb as I thought]

It took more than fifteen minutes for the plot to start going anywhere.

What is Kyoko doing in the same school in the same year as Madoka and Sayaka? She's more Mami's peer, so even if she was going to the same school she should be in a year above. THIS IS NOT HOW CAUSALITY FUCKERY WORKS. [”But Ghoul Tyrant!” I hear you say. “It’s supposed to be wrong like that because It’s All Just A Dream!” Sure. Fine. And Kyoko is still in their school in their year at the end of the movie because?...]

Oh: and of course we have 'fanservice'. Kill me. [It’s far, far more common than these notes might lead you to believe, as I was not going to note down every goddamn individual instance]

… why are the transformations in the Witch art style? (With a million panty shots fuck everything forever) I note we get a split-second Witch-word cut during Sayaka's one. Then Homura's did a Witch-word cut with, like, silent film surroundingness. Twice. [Taking into account later events, this is actually somewhat competent foreshadowing]

… they call themselves the 'holy quintet'? Really?

THE WITCH IS EL KABONG I INSTANTLY FORGIVE... some... of the horribleness.

Why are we doing the Cake Song. [Knowing what’s actually going on doesn’t make this any more sensical] Why are we 25 minutes in and I still have no clue what's going on?

It took thirty minutes for Kyoko to actually eat and talk at the same time. Kill her now, Homura, she's clearly a pod person!

“I came, I saw, Mitakihara”. Cute.

FINALLY, not quite 40 minutes in we get Homura going “I remember the past, no one else does”. No, sorry, the scenery porn wasn't interesting enough to hold me for the first third of the movie.

I keep wondering if the extreme closeups on Homura are supposed to look like Witch art style as a hint or if it's a coincidence they failed to notice. [At this point I’m pretty sure it’s an ill-thought-out coincidence, as they also do it with Madoka’s eyes at times]

Goddammit, no, punching a button in timestop shouldn't un-timestop the windows. And what kind of lunatic would design windows so high up to open like that at the push of a button anyway? [Answer: Homura, apparently]

The thing that's crazy-making about Fake Mitakihara City is that the real thing is such an insane collage of nonsensical and/or improbable architecture that what parts are “crazy because Labyrinth” and what parts are “crazy because Mitakihara City” is difficult to parse. So when weirdness is supposed to be a hint... er... how am I supposed to tell?

Okay, so I thought Mami and Homura's mega fight sequence was pretty dumb when I happened to watch it in isolation on Youtube, but now I know how it starts, and it goes from “dumb” to 'Dumb with a side helping of the Idiot Version of Just As Keikaku.” [Why did Mami have an invisible ribbon on Homura when she timestopped? What made her that paranoid about Homura? Oh, you wanted your story to make basic sense? You poor fool, you’re watching Rebellion. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here, because there’s no fucking quality or sense here. Ever]

Wait, why did I just hear a Pokeball release sound? [Charlotte made it]

Let me expand on this fight sequence being dumb: I thought it was... like, occurring in a post-apocalyptic town or something, when I watched it on Youtube. Okay, sure, now I know Homura thinks everything is fake so WHOO COLLATERAL DAMAGE GO! So... why's Mami recklessly tearing apart everything, beyond “it looks cool shut the fuck up and enjoy our five billion yen lightshow”? Also, why did Homura re-initiate timestop, given it does nothing to help her in this (utterly retarded) fight? And frankly the choreography is awful, as you spend the first half with no way to get a coherent idea of what's actually happening beyond that they're Shooting At Each Other A Lot. The second half is easier to follow, but makes even less sense as a fight scene, with the bit where they keep trying and failing to shoot each other in the head from point-blank being probably the best example of how Cool But Nonsensical Shit is happening because fuck you enjoy the spectacle!

It was neat to break up the monotony the first... five or so times we were viewing people through reflections or whatever. At this point I'm starting to think whoever headed the art of this movie had an actual psychological problem, though.

I would like for events to at some point progress because the characters make some kind of sense and are working toward actual goals, rather than spouting cryptic nonsense or fighting or whatever because lol. Kyoko and Homura trying to leave the city and it failing is so far the only time anybody has done anything that really made sense.

Dog drug reinforcement? The fuck, crazyland DDR?

Okay, I'll admit, the bus slamming into the ground out of the sky got a laugh out of me. Good on you Rebellion. I legitimately liked... a 0.5 second sequence. I'm over an hour in. Congrats.

No, I'm sorry. This “Isolation Field” bullshit doesn't explain jack. It's a copout. “We're supersciencers, ergo we can make a field that blocks out what amounts to a god and/or law of physics.” No. A million trillion times no. This isn't even a lampshade, as the movie clearly intends for me to take this nonsense seriously.

Oh, and it's one-way! Except when it isn't! Hold up, stop, even if I accept this utter and total bullshit, it fails under the weight of its own bad writing anyway. Who would Homura invite in first? Madoka, you utterly godawful writer. Who is 'the Law of Cycles'? Fucking Madoka. Fail. Terrible. Nonsense. I don't have words for how much I hate this crap.

No, saying “well, you see, Madoka could only come in as a victim and not as the semi-omnipotent Law of Cycles” via Kyubey is not an explanation. Kyubey doesn't know shit. He knows he doesn't know shit, or else he wouldn't be doing the fucking experiment! So having him make random baseless assertions the audience is supposed to accept without question doesn't fucking work because we know he doesn't know that for a fact. In the anime, we could accept that he was an authority figure/expert because he was talking about shit that had been occurring for thousands of years, and it only really broke down once Madoka made her wish and Kyubey was suddenly just the writer talking directly to Homura/the audience, at which point I could basically pretend he's just the most convenient voice actor to play the role or some such vaguely reasonable crap.

Here though, we have several essential plotpoints simultaneously hinging on “I am ignorant! SCIENCE TIME!” that are then being explained by him with “I know everything. Trust me.”

No. This is like the definition of bad writing, and nothing prior to this point has gotten me invested enough in the story to overlook what a colossal fail this is on every level.

One hour and fifteen minutes in, with 40 minutes left to go. The remaining 40 minutes better be the best shit I have ever seen. [Spoiler: Not even slightly]

THIS IS NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS ON ANY LEVEL. “We don't know this thing exists. It has clearly observable effects, which we know for sure are happening, albeit we don't know its actual mechanism” is what Kyubey should be saying. Not “Oh man this 'law of cycles' thing is a mere hypothesis with no evidence!” I hate this movie.

Kyubey: “Gosh darn all you illogical people.” ← the most illogical being in the universe in this movie.

Now, I'd like to like that we're watching a Witch attacking someone with the Witch as the protagonist, except so far it's been lame and primarily been an excuse to draw Weird Symbolic Shit. There's bits that I like... but only bits. And what the hell is with Kyubey just reappearing somewhere nearby each time he 'dies'?

Okay, I like Kyubey being freaked out by Sayaktavia. Congrats, two times I've actually liked a tiny fraction of the movie.

Sidenote: imagine that every third line or so I instead said SUICIDE METAPHOR INTENSIFIES. Yes, really. [The original anime was kind of bad about its suicide metaphor subtext not being very sub. The movie is far, far more blatant]

GAME OVER. RETURN OF GANON RISE OF HOMURA

So why exactly is the movie condemning Homura rewriting reality to... do... something... vs praising Madoka for rewriting reality to do away with Witches? What has Homura even done that is so contemptible? Why am I supposed to agree with this awful narrative? Oh no, her wish was ‘selfish’ vs Madoka heroically sacrificing herself for the benefit of everyone. And? Has anyone actually had their life made worse? What has she even done, beyond bring Madoka back into humanity and rewrite history to flip some things around? I mean, she even says she intends to destroy all the Wraiths! She’s doing something noble, for sure, so, again: why am I supposed to conflate her with Satan?

And why am I supposed to care, given nothing at any point made even dreamlogic sense?

Also, Kyoko is still in their goddamn class in the 'real world'.

This movie is dumb. This movie is just “look, a bunch of artists were given billions of yen to draw whatever they wanted, and then I guess some writer tried to pretend it made sense?” If you want to watch visually interesting stuff and never, ever have it make any kind of sense -okay, occasionally make some symbolic sense- then okay cool this is a decent movie.

Otherwise?

What the fuck this movie is awful.

Okay: the stinger ending having Homura dancing to Kyubey's corpse? Made me laugh. Seeing Kyubey horrified? Also made me laugh. CONGRATS FOUR WHOLE MOMENTS I KIND OF ENJOYED IN THIS HOUR AND FIFTY-EIGHT MINUTES.

THAT'S LIKE MORE THAN A MOMENT OF NOT-AWFUL EVERY THIRTY MINUTES.

--------------------------

Having slept on it, I've realized I have still more criticisms.

Audio: Back in the anime, I wasn't necessarily a fan of how any given episode used the music available to it, but the music was fantastic on average. I actually had one of the credits/Witch battle tunes as my background music for reading for a while there, that's how good they were on their own. Rebellion continues the trend of putting its music to questionable use, only now the music itself is fairly forgettable and boring. The best stuff tends to be riffing on established 'Madoka music', and even then it's merely okay, not actually engaging in its own right.

I touched upon this indirectly when covering the Mami/Homura fight, but the choreography is weaker in general. The anime had its weak moments, but it also had some great moments, like how it handled Homura's “teleportation”. Rebellion is just... weak, other than it's occasional questionable 'gotcha' moments.

After the Mami/Homura fight, Sayaka swoops in to save Homura and jabber at her a bunch. This is not any kind of natural flow of events, it just sort of happens without an actual explanation. I didn't like the scene when I was watching the movie, but I was sort of half-expecting it to make sense somewhere down the line, particularly with Sayaka indicating she's more in the know than she 'should' be, but no, it just... is a thing that happens, because.

Similarly, why is Charlotte Bebe the only Witch to act as Goddoka's right-hand woman aside from the bizarre case of Sayaka apparently being able to... tap her Witch powers?... even though Madoka's wish prevented Witches from occurring in the first place? What is any of this crap?

Why was Homura able to entrap a 'piece' of Goddoka at all?

If the Incubator's retarded Isolation Field blocked out all outside forces, why does gravity apply? Why does light apply? Why does, you know, myriad physics apply? Oh right I'm applying critical thinking to a retarded plot device. How foolish of me to expect the story to make even the slightest bit of sense. I might then be able to derive some enjoyment from the movie, and that would clearly be a mission fail.

I just. I have no idea why there are people who watched this movie and went “This is a good movie and I enjoyed it” instead of “This is a terrible movie on pretty much every level and I will make sure everyone everywhere forever knows it isn't worth watching even if you're a fan of Madoka.”

I have difficulty imagining it even if I turned my brain off and just took in the wacky art. I have difficulty imagining anyone, anywhere, deriving any enjoyment from it at all in any manner ever.

But people have, somehow.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[13flowersandfoxes]

1-50 ❤️

Geezzzz

First things first, did you have a good year?

Honestly, it was a fucking insane year. Basically, if we look at just January and December, Hospitalization vs. broken ankle requiring surgery.

How old did you turn this year?

21

Do you feel your age?

No cause A. I almost thought I was 17 yesterday and I also regularly think of myself as being 20. But the 17 thing was Very odd.

Did your appearance change in any way?

I played with hair color a bit but it’s not super obvious.

Post your favorite selfie.

I’ll make a separate post.

If you traveled, where did you go?

I went to California which is pretty much home to me anyway. Other than that no.

Which fashion trends did you love?

I love florals and basically anything vintage looking. also Funky Sleeves and Lace. How much of this is specific to 2017? No clue. But that’s what I love.

Which fashion trends did you hate?

I stilllll hate the freaking Jesus sandals everyone wears. I’m sure I can name more but that’s like my #1 Fashion NO

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

Ahhhh Probably my grayish dress with the floaty sleeves. I’ll post a separate pic.

What song sums up this year for you?

Fuck Was I-Jenny Owen Youngs

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

Paramore’s New Album was wonderful-my particular favorite song being Rose Colored Boy

What was your favorite movie of the year?

Did Wonder Woman come out this year? then that

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

GAL Gadot speaking of Wonder Woman. Like geez after that I went and watched more of her stuff and that woman is incredible

Favorite new TV show?

A new tv show? or new to me? Cause in the last 2 days I’ve been binging The X Files and I’M VERY EMOTIONAL ABOUT MULDER PROTECTING SCULLY. Oh and A new show this year would be Series of Unfortunate Events cause THEY DID IT RIGHT

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

See above^Also Jake/Amy B99

What food did you try for the first time?

Um…. I don’t remember anything new in specific. Except Oreo Cheesecake French Toast. That shit is good.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

Yeah. Moving out and restarting college for instance

What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

I made soap as Christmas presents

What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

I stole some of it for my self to try >:)

Did you develop a new obsession?

Nothing Particularly new

Did you vote?

I think so?

Did you move?Yes

Did you get a job?yes. then got fired so…

Did you get a pet?yeah.

Do you regret not doing anything?Not really

Do you regret doing something?Slipping on ice?

Have you done anything that scared you?

Going back to school

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

Ohhh yes

Did you lose anyone close to you?

Yes

Did you fall in love?

Yes

Did you fall out of love?

Yes

Did you start a new relationship?

Yes

Did you go through a break up?

Of sorts

Did you have to cut ties to someone?

Yes

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year?

My boyfriend

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

The person I had to cut out

If you could have a do-over on one thing you did, would you take it?

Maybe. I’m not sure

What was the best moment of the year for you?

Seeing my boyfriend for my birthday

What was the worst?

Losing my best friends

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

Ha no everything fucked me up this year

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did?

Yeah

What are you most proud of accomplishing?

Getting through a semester of school

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

I can handle more than I realized.

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

Lol not really

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse?

Yeah, loads

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

Dont do that

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

^If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go this?

Oh geez. If it wasn’t winter I’d say Alaska. Maybe this time of year California or Hawaii, hell even Mexico. Drag my boyfriend along

What do you wish for others for the coming year?

just peace and finding the things they need

What do you wish for yourself?

some fucking peace and sanity

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #11: “i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know” - Ally

The F8 vote seemed to have worked out well for me. I believe I shifted the plan from voting Stephen to Jess as Jess has been socially great but I havent been able to develop a great personal relationship with her and our interests in the game seem to differ. I am kinda glad with my position rn tho I am pretty sure the jury hates me rn but my aim is to find a way to maneuver to the end. Stephen and Ally must be really upset with me for lying over and over again and I might be targeted soon.

i am on a train and so i decided i'll write a confessional.

after having time to think last night (misplaying my idol), here are my thoughts: yeah, it sucks. it definitely hurt my game more than it helped. i am now 10x more vulnerable in the game. but, i'm not regretful? i'm now in a less-stressed state, where if i'm going to leave, so be it. no one was really shocked (though some may be more angered at me), and it kinda helps clear a target on my back because i'm like... easy to beat.

now, let me talk about something. after thorough analysis, i believe i have the least likelihood of winning this game. that's fine. i'm not really mad about it. below i'll just provide why i think i can't win this game, and my personal view.

CHANCES OF MAKING IT TO FTC: to begin, my chances of making it to ftc is very limited. i'm in a state where i have no idol, and i must rely on competitions (at some point, not necessarily now). i honestly think i'm safe at F7, but i know in order to get into F2 (or F3), i'll probably need to win a few immunities (or hope people see me as the goat i am and.. dragggg me BAAAAA). other people in the category of 'limited' when it comes to making ftc are stephen/ally/alyssa. now, let's pretend i do win like 3 immunities and achieve that position at FTC. this has two outcomes. first being that i don't think the jury will majorly respect it. and secondly, well, i'll describe it in the points below.

CHANCES TO WIN (IF I REACH FTC): i think i have horrible chances at this rate. ever since jury started, my management of said people hasn't been the greatest. i don't entirely blame myself (though maybe i should), but i don't see stephen w./miguel/luke/jess being keen on voting me. i think the most grossest(word choice?) of those are miguel. he's going to be emotional/bitter, and kind of rightfully so - i did vote him out. but i also got targeted in the first place for trying to save him. i put my blood, sweat, tears into trying to let him live and... well... i couldn't do it. and, in my personal opinion, that should outweigh me voting him. so as of now, i think i have 0/4 locks. i could see current players voting for me depending on how the game goes (i.e ally, alyssa, karthik) but that's so iffy to really count on. now a quick analysis of other players: alyssa - i think she's by far the strongest middle player/has been the swing vote in various instances. though bitterness may be an outcome, she's played a dominating game. ally/stephen - minority. they are going to have stephen w./luke/jess practically on lock, and even miguel to some extent. they are the underdogs that even i would be rooting for if i were on jury. tim/karthik - both are better middle players than i am. they are always the go-tos to make a move. maybe this is a bad thing for them (and by default, good for me) because they are seen as 'goats' or something. i doubt that though. they have more agency, and though i once again don't think that's at MY fault, it ultimately detriments my game. jake - jake has continually been targeted due to being a flexible, snakey threat. though he may not be doing the absolute most strategically/etc., he has that perception of ''winner'' and ''big player'', which alone can carry a lot of brownie points when it comes to voting.

CONCLUSION: So i think my chances to win are the lowest odds because of my inability to guarantee FTC for myself, and even if i do, i ain't going to be a strong contender to win unless the jury comes around to my busted ass game.

- okay, i want to talk about my personal thoughts on this.

i don't think i played the best. but, i don't blame myself for being in this shitty situation. wait. to specify, i don't blame myself for being hated by jury/players. i DO blame myself for being in the shitty position and limited chances of making FTC, which has factors including my prejury comp strength (there was strategy w/ that but i'll talk abt that another time.

my chances have sucked ever since jury started. stephen w. and i were never on a tribe together, and though i was a 'threat', i didn't flip. i did consider it however, but that isn't enough credit for him. it wasn't smart to work with him considering he was targeting me, but that's valid to not vote me in the end. miguel is a loyal and emotional person, 100% valid. i did not meet those terms at the end of the day, and that's only on me i guess. luke showed no loyalty to me and so i reciprocated the fakeness. we never worked together. jess, i DID try to work with, but she rejected that just to kinda blame it on me and so i voted her out. i have no friends on jury, and the earlier jurors are the most critical to some degree (because they can become an unit or something and start rallying campaigns for people).

my lack of agency, which is my biggest in-game flaw, isn't my fault directly. i tried to be extra social and show willingness to flip. of the 5 Kato2.0 members, i think i was easily the most willing to change up the game. karthik/tim have lied numerous times about flipping, and jake has done so prior. i haven't. maybe i should have, and i would be in a position, but i wanted to maintain this veil of honesty that like i was opened 2 working w them, even if NOW wasn't the time. the voted me and then only talked to me abt my vote when they needed me. i have to be missing something. this isn't a bad thing on MY game when others dont want to work with me, but i cant figure out the missing piece. maybe someones lying about what i'm doing and pitting people against me (good on them). maybe i did something really bad. but, it's a struggle. i thought i was playing so well but now i'm in a position of... hopelessness. i don't have any strong friends in the game. tim's probably the closest to me. i'm just... i'm unsure.

-

i want to talk about the future of this game real quick. this round, i anticipate ally/stephen will target one of me/alyssa/jake. tim wants to target alyssa (according to him) so i can see her being targeted. i'm unsure if that's how i'll vote, but i'm thinking. i think, if i am lucky + smart enough, that i'll make f5 easily. if alyssa goes, theres no way ppl would keep ally/stephen both til f5 considering they are minority n have that sway over the jury. put in that position, im the strongest physically. if ally goes F7 (or stephen), then jake/alyssa are a duo i can spearhead to break up. but, if alyssa has two idols, shes final 4 and well . it's over . but maybe she'd idol out like karthik or smthing n then me/tim/stephen vote out alyssa/jake and... yea. there's some hope for me but it's VERY circumstantial.

my brain hurts lol sorry

So last night I was BRUTALLY blindsided. And it's kinda late in the game for that to still be happening! This is way worse than Miguel or Luke leaving. Karth, Tim, Zach and Alyssa all overtly lied to me about their plans and votes. Granted, I also lied to Alyssa so there's that.

Karth, Tim, and Zach all hit me with the "but we're allies now that you proved you're honest" and I'm rolling with it because I don't have much of a choice. Ally wants to try something with Alyssa/Jake but I'm not exactly holding my breath. I won't buy anything until people start coming to me with real plans. At least Zach's idol is gone so others might be more tempted to make a move on him now.

Being voted most honest was something I ABSOLUTELY capitalized off of. I used it to try and get Alyssa on my side by telling her Stephen said she's next if Zach wins (even though she went and mentioned my name) I used it to blatantly lie to Jess and Stephen and Im using it now to do damage control with Stephen

Honestly the reason I voted Jess was very strategic. If Stephen was gone then Jess could weave her way into an alliance with Alyssa and Jake whereas Stephen would not. Stephen is still a big threat to win and with him here it means that he'll possibly take priority over me. Because honestly who wants Stephen at f3??? Who wants Zach at f3??? Who wants Ally at f3?? They MAY want Alyssa at f3 which is why she's my next target Stephen: Its not smart for me to go against you guys either way

Me: I already know this lmaoo you want me in your f3 duh

Im gonna go ahead and be overzealous when i say this may be the first game where I make f3.

I feel like I've played my cards correctly and If it works out how I want.. i could win/ get 2nd. I can literally destroy and discredit Karthik's game in a matter of seconds so I'm not concerned and Jake's game thusfar has been straightforward. If I can survive this round then I can make it to the end of the game. Omg if its a f2 instead of a f3 i will scream. I'm being too hopeful rn lol.

AHHHHH BITCHESSS I WON IMMUNITYYYY. Poverty was on my side. (I'm not poor lmao). I feel great and I definetely needed to win it considering the fact that my name was mentioned last round. Oh I also sent Karthik to the basement in hopes of finding something buy I also sent him there so that I wont make a target out of Alyssa and break any potential bonds there.

Now originally I made an ellaborate plan to vote out Alyssa but I've done quite a bit of talking to Stephen regarding my position as well as everyone's position in the game.  I'm torn between trying to get the vote on Alyssa or going with Ally, Karthik, and Stephen and voting oyt Zach. We will see.

I have a plan for this vote tonight and I think it’ll work. We’re gonna split the votes and if Stephen or ally goes, I think I’ve set myself up for s really good game. Of course anything can happen, but as long as I don’t get blindsided, I feel good about the rest of the game. Of course, that being said, anything can happen and this is Survivor

Thinking about how this could be my last day in the game is crazy. I'm relying on Tim and Karth to hold up their end of the deal to vote Zach out tonight. If it works, everything will change. I'll suddenly be in a real alliance for the first time in awhile. I don't plan on letting go of the numbers once I have them, but I really don't know if I even have them. Karth was my closest ally since Day 1 and he lied to me and sent out my next closest ally. I believe Tim has been leaking information I was posting in the 4-elements chat for awhile now. And I am definitely the target of at least 3/7 people heading into this tribal according to Tim.

Basically, everything should be seen as a negative right about now. But that's not how I see it. Playing from the bottom could be an amazing opportunity for me. I believe with Zach finally leaving, the 2 duos on the other side will finally have to point fingers at each other rather than doing everything behind the scenes. Then I'm just a little bit farther away from the end. Maybe I can still win this thing.

Of course, I could also go home 5-2 if Karth and Tim are just lying. But I think I've convinced them that keeping me is best for their game. Or maybe it's just that Alyssa and Zach come across as too threatening We even discussed possible endgame scenarios where I go to F3 with them. I wouldn't quite go that far with both of them after all the scheming and plotting on their end but hey, one of them can come along for the ride ;). Assuming I don't go home which is still totally possible LADSHSJKDHDKJHKSDJ

it’s rly quiet lol

i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know

like... i’ve already been lied to and blindsided so many times that it’s hard to care or have high expectations at this point

i’m voting zach, afaik everyone else is down but again that could be a lie or he could have another idol idfk

i’m only loyal to stephen now idc abt any of these ppl

Ally is voted out in a 4-3 vote. She becomes the fifth member of our jury.

[honeyvevo-blog]

Strategies To Purchasing Your Up coming Set Of Bed Linens

osuška 150x200

If you've ever been searching for bed linens then you're in all probability surprised at all of the accessible alternatives in prime sheets, fitted sheets, pillow instances and duvet handles. They all come in a assortment of styles, measurements, colours, designs and kinds of materials also. No matter whether you happen to be seeking for luxury mattress linen or discounted linens, it truly is all in this article on the web today. It won't have to be baffling however, if you have these nifty ideas on hand to enable you form out your bed linen options. Initially off, go in advance and evaluate your mattress to be totally certain what you need is what you finish up obtaining. You do not want any surprises in this article. Do not go by the standard dimension label, like queen or king. Measure the thickness of your mattress, tons of folks neglect about this and conclude up with fitted sheets that pop off because the sheets ended up manufactured for a thinner mattress. Some of the newer beds can have pillow top rated mattresses eighteen" thick...so if the suit appears to be like close, then decide for the the subsequent measurement up to account for some attainable shrinkage. A be aware on fitted sheets. For the greatest good quality, seem for the kinds with elastic all the way all around. They will remain on the bed with out popping off, rather than the ones with elastic only on the sides or on the corners. Then determine on your pick of material. This is essential since your mattress sheets, duvet handles and pillow situations will be touching your skin, so it is in all probability a excellent thought to go for additional all-natural fibers like linen, cotton, or blends of all those. You are going to locate that they wick away humidity, dry promptly, and are absorbent. Not to mention that they just sense genuinely comfortable as well! Pure cotton fabric feels cooler to the pores and skin also, which is fantastic for these of us who kick off the addresses cause we just get way too incredibly hot at night. A great deal of individuals go for polyester blends for their bed linens, simply because they're more economical and tend to wrinkle a bit a lot less. They do are inclined to be warmer for people people who get far too cool at night time. But these blends are commonly not as comfortable, they hold on to entire body oils and at times odors, and they are likely to "pill" also. That means that as they are washed, fibers loosen and ultimately fuzz up and form little balls over time. I don't forget currently being ready to actually see correct by way of some of my sheets simply because they experienced worn out so significantly right there in the middle, with all of these small minor balls of what utilized to be the sheet all more than the place. Of course, that was a lengthy time ago- prior to I understood that nicer sheets and bedding would really enable me sense and slumber much better. Some folks want to string me up for even mentioning the word polyester in my content articles or on my website...but hey...a lot of people still get and get pleasure from all those poly blends. A single girl commented that employing polyester sheets was like sleeping inside a plastic rubbish bag. I am going to take her phrase on this one. lol These days, most individuals genuinely are utilizing one hundred% cotton bed sheets, pillowcases and duvet addresses. For the ideal durability and softness, a couple of of the ideal varieties of pure fabrics for bed linens are pure Egyptian cotton and Pima or Supima. What can make this cotton superior than all the rest is the actuality that their fibers are more time than common operate of the mill less expensive, shorter fiber decrease thread count cotton. Why is this crucial for bed linens? Well, if the fibers are extended they makes more robust thread, and then stronger yarns, and ultimately you will finish up with stronger material for your mattress sheets, pillowcases, cover covers, comforter shells..etc... These linens even get softer and a lot more cozy as you clean them above time. You will be thrilled at how delicate and deluxe a hundred% Egyptian cotton sheets can sense below your skin. Some folks write and request me why their sheets capsule even although they swear to me that they are actually good that they have a hundred% pure higher thread depend bed linens. Be watchful in this article and make completely positive that you happen to be buying 100% Egyptian or Pima, or Supima cotton. Often you are going to conclusion up with misleading labels that essentially will not mention that they have blends with other less expensive cotton fibers. This is why it really is extremely crucial that if you're investing the bucks for that level of good quality sheets, you acquire via reputable merchants. Bear in mind that skimping on the price is ok as long as you do not anticipate to have the best most deluxe, longest long lasting mattress linens. There are a handful of other issues to hold in intellect when getting mattress linens: 1. Employing harsh detergent may hasten the breakdown of your linens. Use a little sum of a gentle liquid detergent to support avoid pilling. If you have challenging drinking water, then toss in a little bit of cloth softener suitable into your washing device. And hey - place them on the light cycle... unless you have not washed them in more than a month they shouldn't actually be that filthy, until you sweat a lot of system. If you've got the washer on the other cycles...then it really is just like using your sheets out and clubbing them with a rock. No ponder they pill. 2. Leaving your sheets and other bedding in the dryer on high...or for as well extended will also really start to bake your sheets. Not excellent. Consider and acquire sheets out while they're however a very small small bit damp. You are going to get a lot less wrinkling that way also....which is a fantastic factor for you and your sheets, pillowcase and duvet addresses! Just fold them up wonderful and they're going to dry out in a natural way. Far better however, attempt a clothesline when feasible. three..Wash your bedding the moment for every 7 days. So figure on generally acquiring three good comprehensive sets of sheets. So, it truly is one established on the bed, 1 in the laundry, and a single in your linen closet. If getting fine mattress linens is critical to you, then this very little regime will help you get the most ease and comfort and use out of them. Then there is the whole thread rely factor of linens, which just suggests how several threads run up and down by one square inch of material. Normally talking, thread counts array from 80 or so, to well up more than one thousand these days. You would think that the increased the rely the better your mattress linens would be. The thing is, that the far more threads that you put into that a single square inch, the smaller these threads are inclined to turn out to be. Some bed linen producers break up the threads and then weave them in a way that lets them to say the thread depend is double. Naughty naughty.

[bjornartesttest]

May 2017

So its now been around two months since last post. There has been some changes, but no major changes I would say. Lets see

Work:

I helped Agatha  with her school project, a relatively quick project that went pretty smooth. I cant say I had too much of a say in it though, as she had a very clear idea about how she wanted to go through with it. We had a launch at the top of The Thief with loads of readings and performances. Fun, but also a bit exhausting. I did it for free, on a very short notice as a friend. Ive been doing that quite a lot for her. Its still mainly fun, but I am also a bit unsure about her processes sometimes. 

I also made a catalogue for Vårutstillingen that went pretty well recently, so they already hired me to do a project for them in August. Other then that I helped Trollkrem with a little floor text for their exhibition at HaIK, and I am still working with Tableau on their website. She keeps on changing stuff witch is kind of frustrating (Tove), but Im just going with the flow and helping her when she needs me. Easier that way, + we need to keep a good tone. Hopefully we are soon done!

Me and Morri are also working together on a project atm for Stavanger Kunstsenter, together with Geir Haraldseth. Its been quite nice I must say - we have a quite nice tone and inspire each other I think. We have been thinking about doing more work together in the future and I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I am thinking about doing a career change next winter, and I think if I have people like him to work with that would make a change like that quite fruitful. I am also potentially working with this other guy, Alex on a small project but we keep on extending the deadline and now he is considering moving to England, so lets see..

Basically what I need to do it to sit down properly and think though things. Step by step, and gradually make the rigght moves. It would be great to go into the summer having thought properly about this so I can spend some time to digest and take it in. I need to head full on this fall if I am going to make it work, and I need to make a proper busines plan and some savings. Ideally I need to save up money to cover my basics for about 6 months. Thats about 70.000 NOK. Can I save up 70.000 next fall?? Next week me, Harald and Saga will have a study group about a book Harald recomended. I will buy the book today. 

At Bleed Ive been working a lot with Visit Norway and a project for them regarding safety in nature. Ive been given a lot of responisibility, and its been quite fun. I went to Preiestolen for a week f.ex to Art Direct 5 movies. Now Im finalizing the project and am hoping that it will end up smooth. 

Im also the leader of Grafill Grafisk design, and would really like to make a bit more out if it. I dont think I am goving it the attention it needs atm, so I will talk more with Sara about this today. How can we make the most out of this??

Relations:

Me and Ingemar still hang out a lot as friends and that’s working out relatively fine. Hes still a bit much to handle sometimes though. Last week he started dating someone new. A 22 year old, super sweet and stunning guy from Rogaland. At first I was weirdened out by it and not quite sure how I felt. Was I jealous? Did I feel old? What was I supposed to feel? Everyone also got quite drunk and they started kissing very openly in the middle of the room, in fornt of everyone. I think my reaction was that I just got a bit numb and not sure how to focus my thoughts. I ended up sitting down with them and talking with the new guy and I really liked his personality.  I think he is good for Ingemar, and I think I can get used to seeing more of him, and also letting my friendship with ingemar more normalized. It feels kind of like he is a younger brother, or something a long those lines.

After the last time I wrote, I asked Germain what he wanted, and he was honest and straight forward about him not being in the right space to move forward with me. He got in touch agin a few weeks ago and we met. We tried to have sex, and the chemistry was gone. I think I got a bit overwhelmed by it all. It has felt like so many failures and rejections in the love-sector lately and I think it definitely put me a bit down mentally. I had a long break from both seeing and meeting up for hookups with boys, with was really good for me. A slow build up that made things more calm and made me stronger and more focused mentally. Having that said I recently had a setback. After easter holiday I sort of went all overboard and digged bit too deep into things - meaning sex. It was soooo nice to have sex, feel passion, skin and lust again after such a long break that I sort of just lost myself a bit into it again. During the past of 4 weeks Ive probably had 15 sex partners, at the most seeing 3 boys in one day. Why? And should I feel bad a bout it? A lot of it is really hot, but I often end up feeling broken in the aftermath. Like I give a little bit of myself each time, and then I loose grip on myself a bit and get this feeling of not begin in control anymore. Its like just urging for more more more more and then then more you get you get this bad tasting sauce. For instance, I met up with a two different guys the to days prior to my lat meeting with Germain. How could I possibly find more room for him from a passionate point of view after that? I could hardly even get it up.. Also, because Im on PreP Ive had more unprotected sex. This again has lead to me now having a STD (not sure which one yet), with is also extremely downgrading, as its only about a month since I tested myself the last time. I am working as a voluntair - testing people for STDs for goods sake. I should be able to have a more grounded relation to sex myself too then no? I think maybe the goal here needs to be that I can see guys for sex, but that I need to cut down on my availability again, as it gets a bit too much into my head. Once every now and then is OK, but not more then once per week. You can do that. Other boys.. Ive met a few great guys here and there, but I am not in a place where I am ready to chase any one right now. Why can’t someone chase me for a change? Lets see what time brings. Vegard and Sigbjørn has a very cute friend called Ole. He added me on both instagram and Facebook so maybe thats good for something. Max is also in town now for a few weeks. Maybe Ill send him a text and checks out if he wants to meet up for a bottle of wine some day next week. Caution though: Max really got to my feelings the last time. Better safe then sorry?

Roger texted me yesterday, like he usually does every 3 - 4 months. Sweet messages. Hes thinking about looking for a new job. Exciting and scary for him I guess. Im missing his lust for me a bit still. 

Friends

I have been hanging out a lot with some new friends of mine quite a lot lately - Vegard and Sigbjørn (a couple). We have met almost every week, and have been on holiday trips together as well as going out quite a lot - also togehter rwith Ingemar actually. Sort of a new unit. Its been really nice to bring in some new perspectives and positive people in my life. I feel I can be 100% myself, and talk about the good and the bad, and they generally make me feel very secure and rooted. We are also heading to Tel Aviv this summer - looking forward.

Life

Someone read my tarrot card last week. It said I had 3 previous love interests that all were differetn and very important for my past developemnt. Duh: Roger, Antti and Tim. It also said that I was in a good place professionally, that I was a good leader, a high performer and ambitioius. For the future it said I would go though a huge change thatwould be really challenging and make me see life in a different way. I could expereince health issues, so I should look after myself. Im thinking this change might be 2018. Lets make the change as proactive and challenging in the rigth ways so I can land safely on the other side...

Other:

Im going for a weeding to Deepti my first girlfriend this week in Kristinasand. Indina/Norwegain wedding with loads of lovely old friends. I actulaly think it will be really nice

The week after Im heading to Lisboa for a weeked to viit a guy I met in Kirgizistan last summer. He is tiny, has a big dick, and a scooter. lol.. I think it will be a fun weekend. 

Im going to Tel Aviv this summer with Benni, Vik, Kris, Vegard and Sigbjørn. Were watching Britney.. hehe. wil be fun. 10 days in a huge appartment. After that Im heading to Kenya to hang with Carmen. Were doing safari, beach and some mountain hiking. Ending it all off in Berlin. Probably broke as hell...

Ok thats it for today!

To do:

- Make 6 month plans

- Talk further with Morri

- Plan Grafill more in depth

- One boy a week

- Book last plane trip in Kenya

- Make a updated better list.....

[spn-fanfic]

Abuse??

I need some advice. I know that you all aren't professionals or anything and it's hard to judge something from an online account of it, but I really have NOT been able to get something off my mind recently. I've been constantly thinking about my parents/brothers treatment of me growing up. There's a lot of things that stick in my mind and they just kinda hit me this year, when I moved away to college. I just want to start this by saying I wasn't physically abused. I mean, not really. There were 4 instances that stick out in my mind in terms of getting physical. First, my dad hit me on the leg (hard enough to sting) because we were having a discussion in the car. I have no clue what it was about. Second, one time I was fighting with my mom and she slapped me on the arm. Not hard. Last, again I was fighting with my mom and my dad kinda yelled to stop it. I said something to him (I think it was like "this doesn't involve you" but I'm not sure.) And kinda ran towards me and grabbed me by the hair. This happened twice. I don't remember why he grabbed my hair the second time. What I really want to ask about is emotional stuff. Let me start with my brother. When I was younger, I remember some times when he tormented me. Now I know that this is fairly normal and he probably didn't realize what he was doing, but I remember being so genuinely terrified that I would hide from him and call my parents (who would be working on a house we were building in the backyard). I would be with my back against a door and he would grab at my ankles. I don't know how to feel about this... but I can say that I can't think of a recent particular instance that I've felt scared or victimized by him, only then. Then there's my dad - first off, he is not okay with me having a different political opinion than him and makes me feel very guilty about disagreeing. He will scream over me, even now, and tell me to shut up. Also, I remember one time we all went on vacation to Florida. I don't do this often and so I asked of we could stop by Myrtle Beach at some point (because we were driving and passing through) and everyone undoubtedly said no. Of course, I was disappointed and acted like I was (which, admittedly we were on vacation and I should've just went with it... There's always another time to go) and he called me a bitch... more than once, yelling over me when I tried to defend myself. He said "this is what I hate, that defeatist attitude from you." Then he called me that. Also, there were a lot of times where he said the words "I know you're [insert any age below 18 here] but don't think I won't hesitate to beat your ass." Of course, he was referring to spanking me? Which I find VERY weird and am confused because I believe I was almost 18 the last time he said this to me? Plus, I don't think spanking is every appropriate for a kid anyway... but that's another thing. He would also say "YOU aren't going to tell me what YOU'RE going to do." Again, all the way until I was 18. This was usually in relation to things like me not wanting to help them clean at home when I had made plans prior. I'm sure there's stuff I'm missing about the other two, but I want to move onto my mom. Whoo boy, there's a lot. First off, I remember being a very passive child and kinda doing anything anyone told me because I just assumed they were right. Now, I was like this all the way up until about middle school (7th grade) and I remember being SEVERLY depressed for 5th and 6th. Like, cried myself to sleep, and ate very little food. Idk, it was bad. But when I got to middle school, things got better and I started to find my voice. Still a pushover, but better, and I wasn't so depressed anymore. I'm honestly not sure what changed. But then, again my sophomore year of high school it got really bad for a second time, and was like that for a whole year. Like... i wasnt eaying bad. Then it got better again, idk how to explain it. But anyway, I digress. Around the first time I started to feel better, my mom starting saying how much I had changed and how bad it was. She used to say "you were such a sweet child then, and now you aren't, and you don't listen to me. What changed?" Which.. I always found very insulting because this was the time I feel I began to become better.. not worse. I remember her humiliating me in front of my friends. At the time, I HATED my dance classes (I can admit that it totally was a phase, I love dance) and she had me stick with them. I would make excuses not to go a lot, and admittedly part of this was because of my emotional state. But anyways, one time my friend was over and was going to carpool (because we had the same dance class) and I can't remember if I lied about not having the right shoes so I couldn't go, or if I genuinely couldn't find them. (Which obviously, I shouldn't lie and shouldn't lose things) also, I had a very messy closet. I just remember yanking everything out of my closet, throwing it all over the place and screaming because she was trying to find my shoes. In front of my friend. Idk. She also CONSTANTLY comments on my weight and appearance. She made me feel self conscious about things I didn't even k ow were there. Her comments are always unwarranted and she acts innocent when I confront her about them. She does the same with acne. She also gets very upset that I talk a lot. Like, she berates me for it? I'm making this sound way worse than it is lol. The first time she visited my college, I swore (accidently.. ik I shouldn't swear at my mom) and she was like.. "if this is what this place teaches you then don't think we won't hesitate to pull you out." When I'm the one paying for it. Speaking of my college, she does nothing but insult it.. She made negative comments about my room being too clean the first time she came. She also tries to keep me from getting a summer job. I go to school 10 hours away, and I'm home for the summer. (This is my first year.) I told her I'm going to work when I'm home, and she gave me a myriad of reasons why I cant. She said 1. They would lose food stamps and federal assistance because I would be making money and coming off from them as a dependant 2. I wouldn't be home to "help her" get the house together (there are piles of junk all around and in the property she wants to get clean... bit I've tried to help before and she was saying this for years. Nothing gets done on it) and 3. Bringing up reasons why I HATED my job last year and telling me all jobs would be like that. Also one time.. And this was by far the worst... it took place this year. I was home for Christmas break (about a month long) and my only goal other than having a nice holiday was to get a particular ear piercing before I went back to school. Now, I'm 18 and have money so I had no problems going to get that done and doing the last few errands I had to do by myself before and went back, and said as much. But my mom wanted to come, and I said whatever because I'm a little scared of driving. (Even though I've done it for a few years now 😂😂). I did tell her though that once we were downtown, I wanted to do the ear piercing first because it was on the way, and the website for the place I was getting it done didn't list hours. We had a full list of groceries and stuff to do and I thought we might get there too late.. And this was really the last day I had to get it done before I went back. She agreed, no problem, to doing this.. even though I knew she wasn't too happy about me getting the piercing. So, as soon as we get downtown, (she's driving) she starts saying that she wants to go everywhere else first before my piercing. I got upset.. And said to her that the only reason she's doing that is because she knows it'll be too late to go the piercing parlor by the time we finish everything else, and she doesn't want me to get it. (Once again, I probably shouldn't have been so accusatory.) But.. She starts yelling that I'm paranoid and need to see a psychiatrist because I'm downright crazy for assuming things, and paranoid that everyone is out to get me. This was while we were driving and I started sobbing hysterically.. which she didn't care.. And you know, there's a difference between telling someone you care about you think they need help and using that comment to hurt them. Especially because before she had outright stated how she thought anyone on medication was crazy and looked down on them. She continued errands leaving me in the car, and when she returned and I didn't want to talk this just made her more upset. Of course, she denies a lot of this and is the kinda "well I'm sorry if you were offended" person and she's always blaming someone else. One time she said she didn't like aspects of my personality and then called me too sensitive when I got upset. There's also a lot of instances of my parents fighting and involving me in ways I shouldn't have been. Making me feel guilty about money, etc. Telling me personal things about my brother that were none of my business. My parents also never let me cut my hair. Also, something I really hated my sophomore year was high school band, and I told my parents this and I was forced to continue. Eventually I started skipping (Which I shouldn't have done 😣) and lying to them, telling them I was going. (Which again, shouldn't have done) well, long story short they found out because my teacher called them, and they didn't tell me, getting me to confess. This all came to a head because there was a school parade I was supposed to be in, (on a saturday) and I went to my friends the night before. My dad said he would pick me up in the morning and take me, and I was just going to like hang out at the school and pretend I went. (I know, I shpudnt have done this) So, my friend was aware of this situation and very supportive. She said to call my dad and just tell them her dad would take me, so I didn't have to just sit at the band room. So I did.. And my dad informs me that he has a friend there that can tell him if I'm not there. So.. I just come clean. (Mind you, I've managed to officially withdraw from band at this point because my parents never called the band teacher back and he just ended up dropping me from his roster) and he instantly says, "then you're done with cheering, and I'm coming to get you right now." *click* cheering was one of the things I truly enjoyed. But anyway, he came to get me and they both reemed me out. They didn't end up taking me out of cheering though. That said, my mom still lords it over my head even though I've told her it was contributing to my depression because it is literally the only big lie I've told. I don't know what to make over all that. I'm sure I'm missing things, but there's a lot to this post already and I just want to say that of course I'm not talking about the happy times either. And there's a lot of those! So, to get back to the point of this post... would this be considered emotional abuse? Should I see a therapist? I think I have anxiety/depression but I know you shouldn't self diagnose, and I don't want to pretend I have something I don't.. But I also have a block about therapy I suppose. But I don't know if I was abused and I always doubt how I feel on it and I just wanted other opinions. Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for commenting.