#probably gonna write the family visit one myself though

[misc-obeyme]

I didn't realize Lesson 19 was happening today, but as soon as I figured it out you can be sure all my other plans for the evening got tossed out the window.

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I had more to say than I thought I did. And I'd already wrote the whole thing, so I was like I don't wanna break it up into multiple posts now!

Spoilers below the cut as always.

I'm going to lose my whole mind. There is no way that this isn't the "visiting and kissing every brother" scenario that happens before the end of a season. And yet I still have SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I am very much under the impression that we are not going to be leaving the past by the end of season one. Which is ANNOYING. I keep thinking about the brothers in our present timeline. I might have to write some angty story about it to make myself feel better.

But also, what're they gonna do? Send MC back to the human world? I mean, every other season has ended that way...??? Maybe it's different because we're in ~Nightbringer~ now. We'll see I guess!

Anyway, this lesson certainly wasn't bad and there were a lot of interesting things happening to these past versions of our bros.

AUGH THE BROTHERLY LOVE IN THIS LESSON THOUGH.

Okay, so this is not really the same as how they were in the OG, but I think this makes sense considering how much time has supposedly passed between the two timelines. I mean, think about how siblings are when nothing's wrong and they're all just getting on each other's nerves most of the time. Then think about how those same siblings might band together when things get dicey. That seems to be the family dynamic we have going on here.

Leviathan, my sweet boy, I really loved how he reassured all his little bros that everything was going to be okay. He was so confident and firm in his decision in this lesson, too.

And then the way they were all surprised about it was so cute, too.

I just loved this whole moment.

Okay. And obviously we have to talk about Mammon.

This whole part really showcases Mammon and Lucifer's relationship, I think. To me, it seems like Lucifer is very much going to lock himself away, not talk to anybody about his feelings, and possibly prepare to do something drastic because he thinks it's what's best for his brothers without actually asking them. But Mammon knows this. He knows exactly what's going on with Lucifer. He doesn't have to talk to him to know. And he also knows what's going to help Lucifer. Not just the pudding, but sending MC with it, too.

Honestly, Lucifer does not give Mammon enough credit in general. Mammon is always doing stuff like this. And then throughout the rest of the lesson, he's being the big brother, too. It's like Mammon thinks that Lucifer is the one who carries all the weight on his own, but really Mammon is the one keeping that family together, I swear.

The thing about it is, none of them will do anything without Lucifer being on board. And Mammon knows that, too. So he's like okay I'm gonna send this human with some pudding to talk to Lucifer and because those are two things that Lucifer really likes, he will probably get it together enough to make the decision we all want him to.

And I think Levi understands this, too, to a lesser extent. He's over here trying to make the younger bros feel better while Mammon is trying to make Lucifer feel better.

Okay now we have to talk about Satan.

First they hit us with the Satan telling everybody to leave him behind and go back if they want to.

And then this part where they all call him out on saying he's not their brother.

And then when he finally admits he wants to be their bro and Asmo hits him with the I'm so proud of you... when I tell you I was tearing up...

I want to point out how Asmodeus and Beelzebub are the two who chimed in with these lines after Satan says he wants to be their brother. Because I think these two are the most open with their feelings in general. While Belphie will be quick to call someone out if he's annoyed with them, both Asmo and Beel are quick to praise someone. It isn't just that they're happy he finally said it, they understand that he needs their reassurance in that moment and they have no problem giving it.

And all of this was so good! It was such an excellent culmination of all the stuff that had been leading up to this point regarding Satan and his relationship with his brothers. This is exactly the kind of understanding and closure I want to have for all the other weird junk that we have no answers for yet! I should be grateful we at least got this, I suppose!

And then Lucifer makes it all crazy with an explanation I thought we'd never get about what it was like when Satan was "born."

I think it's pretty clear that they're saying exactly what some people were pointing out in the vampire event. Because Satan got vampiritis even though it only affected fallen angels. And I was definitely like that doesn't make sense! But some people said well considering he came from Lucifer, Satan probably has angel in him. And you guys were right! Because I'm pretty sure that's what Lucifer is saying here.

He may have never lived as himself in the Celestial Realm, but Satan has that same angelic power in him.

Lucifer's relationship with him is really quite interesting. I know he says he thinks of him as his brother, but... the way he talks about him... to me, it still sounds like he thinks of Satan more as his son. But I think it's easier for the game if he's one of the seven brothers lol. I personally headcanon it as Lucifer just doesn't want Satan to feel any more out of place than he already does. Also, that's kind of the familial relationship that all the former angels have in mind when it comes to each other, since they have a collective Father figure and I know Lucifer doesn't want to be seen as anything close to that entity.

And then Lucifer talks about how his decisions have caused the others to suffer. And I think this comes back to what I was saying when I was talking about Mammon - the rest won't do anything unless Lucifer makes the decision. Mammon knows this and Lucifer does, too. He talks about how he almost made a huge mistake because he was thinking about sending the others back to the Celestial Realm.

And I have two things to say about this:

One: Lucifer shouldn't have made any decision without talking to his brothers first. He needs to stop shouldering all the responsibility himself.

Two: If he really thought they would have wanted that, he really hasn't been paying attention. Sure, they've had some conflicting feelings about being in the Devildom. But they've all said they made their own choice to follow Lucifer. Does he really think they would want to leave him now? And everybody says Mammon is the idiot.

But then he surprised me by admitting that he was ashamed for almost doing that. And he apologized to them all. I couldn't believe it!

And one of my favorite parts of the whole thing:

PFFFF if that isn't the Satan we know and love!

Anyway, all in all, this lesson gave us some things that I have been wanting. Very specifically, Lucifer told us what he remembered about falling and Satan's "birth." And I can't believe we got Lucifer finally being open and talking to his bros at the end. It makes me annoyed because why hasn't present timeline Lucifer done anything like that, huh?? But yeah, it's because a billion years have passed or whatever and he's older and crankier in the present lol.

[everlasting-rainfall]

Have you considered any of the other CP9 agents for the skin to fur au? I feel like Blueno or Kalifa would make such interesting yanderes

I have actually! Well except Fukurou and Spandam because I’m not the biggest fans of them like I think they’re alright but I don’t typically find myself daydreaming about them in these kinds of scenarios, you know?

Yeah, I’m sure you get it

Anyways so because I don’t think that I can write the two of them together, this might just be moreso some short imagines. Sorry!

But as an apology, I’ll throw in some imagines about Kumadori as well. Does that sound good? I certainly hope it does as Kumadori is pretty nice like I’d give him a kiss or two if I could

Anyways before I start rambling too much! Let’s get into it, shall we?

!-MINORS DO NOT INTERACT AT ALL-!

!-POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS-!

Kidnapping, Stalking, Delusions, Transformation, Violence, Breaking and Entering, Manipulation, Implied Murder, Impregnation, Rainfall Probably Not Knowing How Zoo’s Work

!-POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS-!

!-MINORS DO NOT INTERACT AT ALL-!

Okay so we’re gonna start off with Blueno and his animal theme in CP9 is apparently a bull which suits him quite well in all honesty considering those big bull horns on the sides of his head

But I can honestly imagine that like with the zoo where all of the CP9 agents currently live, there’s his enclosure which isn’t too popular with anyone as it’s just a bull when there’s so much more interesting things to be seen like a giraffe or a leopard or a wolf so typically Blueno doesn’t get many visitors

It doesn’t bother him much though as the zookeepers only really come in to feed him and then clean his area so it makes for good alone time and if he’s truly bored then he can always simply wander into one of the more secluded parts of his enclosure and transform into a human

Escaping their enclosures is rarely hard after all and it’s easy to slip out plus he’s memorized what times he’s fed and taken care of so he just has to be back before then

Wandering the park is how he eventually meets you like let’s say that the reason that he noticed you is because you brought in some kind of outside drink and the zoo doesn’t allow that so he points it out to you and whether or not you knew that rule. You toss it just to get him off your back

You probably expect that to be your very last interaction with Blueno and he expects it too but instead he finds himself following you around when you visit. He justifies it to himself as making sure that you don’t cause any further problems but really he wants to follow you

His more animal instincts are telling him to keep you out of trouble so you won’t wind up getting hurt as there are a lot of predatory animals in the zoo that aren’t members of CP9 so as a result, he sees you as a heifer that needs to be protected and guarded

You of course notice that this man won’t stop following you around and it is getting worrying especially as if you approach him about it then he just winds up denying it and if you talk to a staff member then he always conveniently manages to disappear

It’s getting worrying and irritating so you more than likely stop going to the zoo so much just to avoid this guy and the stalking does stop

Mostly because Blueno doesn’t want to risk losing track of time and blowing his cover by going to look for you

But trust me, Blueno is going absolutely crazy over this like he is on edge and everyone can tell like Kaku once had to tell him to calm down in giraffe before he got himself in trouble. Blueno can’t help it though as you aren’t here and he needs you otherwise you could wind up hurt or worse in his eyes

You never reappear at the zoo however and it’s starting to make him truly consider leaving to find you and drag you back so you can’t leave him ever again

However wouldn’t you know it? There you are… Coming to celebrate some kind of work related event or family birthday or something here, he’ll watch you from afar just like he’s always done but you aren’t getting away this time… He’ll make sure of it…

So when you head off on your own to the bathrooms, that’s when he gets you… Blueno snatches you and knocks you unconscious before dragging you off to his enclosure, you’ll be safe with him… He knows it…

I can’t see him forcing himself on you at first but he definitely turns you in some alternative method as now you’re a cow of some kind with him

This has happened so much at the zoo at this point that there are questions as to where you came from but no one questions it for long as hey, at least there’s something to hopefully make people more interested in Blueno’s enclosure now

Honestly I can see him being one of the more laidback members of the CP9 animal shifters like he won’t keep you stuck inside of the den like how Lucci and Jabra do to their S/O’s but he still doesn’t like people looking at you for too long so he might try to get in the direct line of sight of anyone whose looking at you for too long

And yeah, your family or your co-workers might wonder where you went but do you really think that they’ll ever find out? I mean… Magical bull man who took you and turned into a magical cow lady?

Yeah, right… You’re here forever with Blueno in the zoo and he might eventually want to put a few calves in you but that can wait for right now as he’s just enjoying the fact that he’s keeping you safe with him in the enclosure

So for Kalifa, let’s imagine something different here as her animal is apparently a sheep when I looked it up and I’m unsure if a zoo would keep a sheep in an enclosure unless it’s a petting zoo and that would not fly with Kalifa…

So let’s imagine that she chooses to be in her human form when she’s at the zoo like she works there while the others act as zoo animals that people can gawk at. She might be doing something similar to what she did with Iceberg where she was like his assistant but she could also just be a zookeeper

I like assistant better though so let’s go with that and let’s say that eventually with all the disappearances at the zoo, there’s been a rise in problems and the zoo winds up hiring you to help Kalifa with the piles of paperwork that need to be done while the owner handles everything else

Working with Kalifa isn’t too bad but it’s not the best as she’s a very serious and intimidating lady plus you once tried to give her a soda after a vending machine spit out two instead of one and she claimed it was sexual harassment

You’re fairly certain that she doesn’t like you in the slightest but although she was indifferent to you at first, she actually starts to enjoy your presence as the two of you work together

Part of her starts to feel stressed as well when you don’t show up to work one day and when she calls you, she finds out that you’re sick. Cue Kalifa showing up at your house while you’re resting having brought you some medicine and things to make you more comfortable

In your sick state, you don’t question how she got in as most of your attention is on the fact that she bought you the next book/dvd/game of your favorite series

Honestly chances are that Kalifa uses this as a chance to snoop around your house and find out more about you. She learns as much as she can while she snoops and winds up feeling a new sort of connection to you

Especially if she happens to find like a wool sweater in your closet or laundry basket as if your fate wasn’t sealed with her before then now it’s permanently sealed as she starts to imagine you as a sheep animal shifter just like her. It’s safe enough to say that she likes the visual

Maybe you’ll have a few dates as you work with Kalifa and now that you two talk more, she finds out about them and if she can’t scare them off then she’s always up for blackmail or faking some things to make your date look like a scumbag

When the day comes where Kalifa needs to shave her wool, she typically just gets rid of it but this time. She decides to make a little something and fastens a nice article of clothing for you which she offers to you

And the next day when you walk in wearing it? You might as well have just asked the girl to marry you as there is a blush across her cheeks the whole time that you both work which she refuses to explain

Eventually they can’t hide the zoo can’t recover from all of the disappearances so the animals are being transferred to a new one and likely the members of CP9 are as well so Kalifa immediately applies for a job at the new zoo

Meanwhile you don’t really intend on moving so you try to say goodbye to Kalifa, that won’t fly with her though as Goodbye? Yeah, right…

Kalifa will attempt to manipulate you into moving with her at first and if that doesn’t work then she’ll simply pack her things, get ready to leave, and make one final stop on her way out of town

Now you’re across her backseat probably having your pressure point hit so you would fall unconscious. Does she feel bad about it? Not a chance… You were being stubborn about following your mate after all…

You became her mate when you accepted her wool sweater, don’t you know? And now there’s no way out for you as you’re being forcefully moved with Kalifa to a new town

She would fuck you to turn you or bite you but those aren’t all that appealing to her as what would truly be nice is drawing a bath and stripping you down, putting a fun little mixture in the water to activate it and gently washing your body with her hands until you’re just like her

No one will take an interest in what clearly belongs to her after that and if they do then it’s simple, really… Do what everyone else does go homewrecking bastards and get rid of them as efficiently as possible…

So as for Kumadori, if I’m correct he is supposed to be a lion in his animal theming and I don’t know about you guys but at the zoo. I always wanna see the lions like they are amazing and I love them (biased as lions are favorite animal)

Anyways so I can honestly imagine that Kumadori might be one of the most popular animals at the zoo like even moreso than Lucci, Kaku, Jabra, or any of the non animal shifter animals living there

It’s not just because he’s a lion either as we’ve all seen how Kumadori can be and those traits don’t get dialed back even when he’s in his animal form and that’s what makes him so popular as he practically puts on a show for all of the guests with what he does

He brings in the most money out of all the animals and people love to see his antics and how he can be eventually seeing the popularity, the zoo owner hires you to basically do shows with him like educational ones but they’re still clearly meant to attract more visitors and make money…

You were scared at first when you heard you would be working with a lion but the worst thing that this lion did was seemingly try to commit seppuku when he thought he offended you and then got sad when his claws didn’t cut him

Kumadori has to be one of the most dramatic yet oddly obedient animals that you’ve met as he’s willing to work with you and put on these shows for visitors but you once tripped and fell during a show only for this lion to act like you had just fallen to your death

If there was a spotlight in his enclosure then it most certainly would be pointed at him… But hey, the crowd loved it and you did too as you were getting paid

What you only really saw as a job however, Kumadori saw at first as a partnership of two performers on a stage that would potentially transform into something more as the two of you kept up the shows together

He even started to let out a tearful roar of farewell whenever you would leave his enclosure for the day, he would bellow out for you to “Oh please not leave me all alone, my dear! For I would miss you so much that I will meet my dearly departed mother in heaven before you return!” and all you hear is “ROAR!! Roar, roar, roar! ROAR!!”

His heart does break whenever you leave him as well and it only gets worse if he sees you speaking to someone else outside his enclosure… Jealousy stirs heavily in his chest to the point where he would like nothing more than to rip you away from that person…

Even when he rubs his scent all over you the next day through nuzzling, others still speak to you! Can’t they understand that you’re his? The nerve of those homewreckers!!

When the zoo closes for the day and the members of CP9 are able to actively speak to one another, thanks to Kalifa turning off the cameras before she finishes her work. Kumadori airs his grieveneces about you leaving and leaving him to drown in his own heartbreak and tears

This is when the others remind him about what he can do, he can make it so that you’ll stay forever just so long as he can turn you into an animal shifter just like him. The look of amazement that comes across his face as he imagines you as his beautiful lion/lioness

It’s heavenly to the point where he might actually die and go to heaven… He needs it… He wants it…

So the next time that the two of you put on a show, he attempts to make it intimate and romantic but there’s only so much a lion can do to make things romantic when he sinks his teeth into you

It’s a deep bite that breaks the skin and he tries to act so apologetic about it, he doesn’t feel one shred of regret for it however even as you immediately leave after the show

He knows that you’ll come home to him soon so he doesn’t even bother with the farewell roar this time as he just waits

He waits and waits until the chaos of a lion on the loose can be heard and the smile stretches across his face as he starts to clean up around his enclosure and den

A few hours later, you’re dragged in as an unconscious lion recovering from the effects of a tranquilizer dart. The zookeepers are talking about how insane all of this is but they’re happy to have a new lion at the very least

They wait to see if Kumadori will have a bad reaction to you which of course he doesn’t, he drags you off to what’s now your shared den and lays you down

After which he cuddles with you and couldn’t be happier, you’ll be disorientated and confused when you wake up but he’ll tell you all about how “The stars have aligned and brought us together, my dear!! They have granted our wish to be together and now we shall never part from each other’s side!!”

Better get used to loud voices and Kumadori’s weirdness as you’ll be experiencing it for the rest of your life now… He’ll never let you go…

And if anyone would try to take you from him whether it be human, animal shifter, or anything else then it will be over his dead body especially if he winds up putting his cubs in your belly as proof of your love

(Sorry, it was the best gif I could find of him that wasn’t just a clip from the show… I have no idea who it belongs to as I found it on Google Images but IT IS NOT MINE…)

[abrushwithdeath]

((Hey! Again, just wanted to say that I'm still alive ^^; As I said before, the interview went really well last week. Got my fingerprints done on Thursday morning. Had a call back yesterday morning. Tomorrow I have to go fill out some paperwork at 1, then, after that's finished, I could start working literally any time. It's going to be shorter shifts at the start, and it's only a temp / sub position (though it could turn to full time in the future) so, for now, I'll probably be working quite a bit / nearly full time until the person I'm covering for comes back. Then it's kind of... work whenever they need me. Which means probably having to get a second part time job just to be safe ^^; But hopefully that won't happen until well after Christmas.

Anyway- I can't make any promises about when I'll get to stuff, I've been trying to gather things up to put in my drafts to do when I have motivation. But for right now, between the move, unpacking, holidays, visiting family, babysitting (which has been, like, 3 times in the past week alone and the kids are great but they're 3 and 5 so... yeah, it can feel like a lot), and having been at least mildly sick for the last 3 weeks straight... I've just had a lot of brain fog and not a lot of motivation to write. However-! I'm trying to get back into READING, which always helps me get back into WRITING when I'm stuck! I just have to find a book that'll hook me enough that it gets my brain reeling again! (I'm also gonna try to sit down tonight and just WRITE a little, even if it's just short replies, so here's hoping that helps! Sometimes I just have to force myself to write some ^^;)

So, yeah! Book recs are always appreciated (though I can't promise I'll be able to read everything that's recommended because I have very limited $ right now), as are song recs (sometimes songs give me fun ideas~) Also, seriously, 1,000,000,000% always feel free to toss plot ideas / AU ideas / ship songs or playlists / whatever my way because they get my brain going sometimes! I know I've not been especially chatty lately, but I promise that I'm at least READING everything you send! So don't hold back! Sometimes all it takes is one fun little idea to get my mind running enough to start writing again xD

Love you guys! I hope your December is going well <3))

[gardenoblues]

15 QUESTIONS FOR FRIENDS

I was tagged by @anotherbluesunday im so sorry it took so long to reply ilysm >< here goes *Are you named after someone? No. But my childhood nickname was. It's embarrassing so I'm not gonna say what. *When was the last time you cried? I visited my brother's grave 2 days ago. Although they already removed it, it's been a long time since I've been there so I got emotional and secretly cried for a bit. (plus the place holds so many memories for me so yeah) *Do you have kids? I'm 19 and no. The thought scares me sometimes. i had a dream where the baby died inside my belly and though I'm not a mother, something inside me broke so hard. Not sure if I want to have kids though. Maybe if I get rich enough for my child to do whatever it wants. *What sports do you play/have played? The only sport I do is living, and convincing myself to live. JUST KIDDING. I used to play badminton but my asthma got in the way. (I don't have asthma anymore just saying)

*Do you use sarcasm? No. You think?? lol *What is the first thing you notice about people? If they seem the way they look or act. If they're rotten inside or not. I trust my intuition with people and don't care about the way they try to seem. So far, I'm still alive.

*What’s your eye colour? Poop. But when you're dehydrated and its that weird color. *Scary movies or happy endings? As much as I like to pretend I'm a badass, I get spooked very easily and think of tragedies in movies more often than I like to admit. So yeah, happy endings. (If the endings are good tho. we don't always need to be happy.)

*Any talents? Singing and act. I also write and recently filmed a short film with my friend who enjoys photography. (we're both in the same theater group) *Where were you born? Sta. Cruz Manila. *What are your hobbies? Writing (tho i bite more than i could chew with this one), Filming (new obsession), watching movies, reading (give me ur recommendations pls), editing videos, making cursed memes, cooking. We'll see about this one. I might pick up a new hobby. *Do you have any pet? Our family has a dog. Small, white and violent, like a Karen. She feels like an annoying little sister than a pet tho. *How tall are you? If I'm not mistaken maybe 5'4 or 5'5. Favourite subject in school? None. I hate school lol. And math hates me. But if i have to choose , it's history for me. (Philippine history is so juicy and so easy to fall into a rabbit hole. once you're in you won't get out) Dream job? I probably just hate myself at the moment but i have no solid answer with what my dream is. But something to do with psychology, since its aligned with my course. Thank you so much for tagging me again @anotherbluesunday this was so fun!~ now im tagging these people i'd like to hear about <33 @claimedcrossbows @ablatheringblatherskite @diamantdog @chinita-inzunza @nouklea @therulerofallpotatos @suchaladyy @averyaddamsromance @writerrose1998 @beautyofattolia @wednesdayandherhyde @realisticintentions @the--lysine-contingency @iamfandomcrazy @callmetippytumbles @cosmic-lullaby @lovepoison9

[sapphires-and-silver-linings]

Fellow The Betrayer lover here 👋 I’ve really gotta say that it’s such a piece of art. Absolutely no pressure, but purely out of curiosity, as I really cannot wait for more: any updates?

“Piece of art” omg thank you 😭

And yes I am working on chapter 10 of The Betrayer in tandem with chapter 4 of Half-Life! My goal is to finish Half-Life chapter 4 first and put it on hiatus so I can jump back into The Betrayer for a bit.

Summer is always difficult for me to write because although I’m out of school, I go to visit my family and I rarely have a moment to myself whereas I have a lot of alone time and privacy in my own home. I unfortunately struggle to write when I’m not in a certain headspace, on top of being in a very over-stimulating environment (surrounded by young, loud, and quite clingy kids lol).

I’m getting somewhere for both upcoming chapters, but they’re both gonna be long. My longest chapter I’ve ever written (chapter 9 of The Betrayer, I believe) is nearly 14k words, and I truly think chapter 4 of Half-Life may surpass that. Chapter 10 of The Betrayer is probably gonna be around 15k words if I could guess, cos I’m only a quarter into the plot of the chapter lol.

I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted any of my fics, but life has been insane for me lately (though if I’m honest, it always is in one way or another lol).

But I’m quite attached to both The Betrayer and Half-Life. I truly believe that they’re some of my best writing, and I am so proud of how they’re coming along despite the gaps between posting chapters.

For any of my Madness is The Color Green fans, I plan on editing it heavily and will hopefully work on it again too!

I wish I was more prolific than I am, but it’s hard for me to write a lot quickly, especially considering some personal life stuff going on. I also tend to go through times of writer’s block which sucks and is disheartening when many of my stories have very involved plots with lots of references to previous chapters, consistent and/or evolving themes/motifs and character development, and trying to maintain a specific tone throughout the whole story.

Sorry for the essay, I like to talk a lot 😂

Side note, though:

I was thinking of releasing some teasers for both The Betrayer and Half-Life to give y’all something while I slog through the rest of them!

Let me know if that’s something y’all are interested in!

And thank you so much for your kind words and patience! I appreciate it ❤️❤️❤️

[lainpsx]

vent (tw for suicide stuff, rape, drugs i guess)

im so fucked. im being forced to move away for at least a couple months to different state. i probably wont have consistent access to my phone. no pc either. i wont be able to see my friends or my cat. or my family. maybe theyll come visit every now and then but im gonna be so far away so only my dad and maybe my mom will come. i dont want to go to a residential care facility i just want to stay home in my bed until i die. i dont know why im always honest with my psychiatrist. i should have just told everyone i was okay and killed myself in a week. but instead i went and talked and now im gonna be even more miserable. i could just kill myself like today or tomorrow or something but im just not ready. i dont even have the energy to do it. ive given up, i just want to lie in bed and sleep forever. why why why did i have to survive my last attempt... i was so close... everytime i close my eyes at night all i can think about is how it felt to be hanging from that belt. it hurt like a motherfucker for a while but eventually it just felt so peaceful. i could have had that forever! just nothingness. it was so quiet, it was nice.

i dont think ill be able to continue my transition while im there. whatever. i hope i can at least smoke cigs. that was the only good thing about the last time i was hospitalized. god what i would do for some good weed right now.

none of this shit would have happened if i didnt get raped while i was in college. i was so happy to be living in my dream city! i was in school and making friends... now all of my friends that ive made either irl or online are gone or in the process of leaving. shout out to the real ones though, you know who you are. i dont know why no one talks to me. i even keep all my baggage to myself nowadays. but still anyone who meets me stops talking to me within like a few weeks. why??? i just want friends to talk to and maybe play a game with every now and then.

it felt good to write all this out. guess now ill just go play some guilty gear until i cant feel anything but the fight stick and the game.

[chocolate-failure]

Boiohboi I'm freaking out. I think it's been exacerbated by the tea I drank. I fw black tea heavily. I've really been digging irish breakfast tea but of course black teas, especially shit you be drinking for breakfast have a fair amount of caffeine in them. But man oh man do that shit be slapping like dicks on clits.

But yeah, I don't like feeling like I fucked up and I kinda feel like I fucked up. I bought presale tickets to this concert and spent a whole fucking lot to get floor seats but they've sold tf out before and I really want to see these bitches in concert. I feel like this is the definition of fomo but like I'm not so much scared of missing out as much as I'm just highly motivated to enjoy myself and I really like live music. It highkey feels like fomo implies that one covets an experience that's not entirely worth the investment. If I enjoy myself I feel like the experience is always worth it. Buuuuuuut idk if I got hitouch and I feel kind of dumb for impulsively buying this $600 ticket. I have the money, I could buy another one if I really wanted to and just give the other away but I also get so goddamn nervous and feel horrible when I buy stuff. Idk... but they're listed as general admission even though they're on the floor and with my fucked up impulse control and lack of executive function I felt super rushed to go ahead and check out so the ticket wouldn't get released... God the more I think about the more panicked but chilling I get. Like I'm panicked that I fucked up but also it's fine and my last hitouch experience wasn't great so maybe it's better I don't get hitouch. Not to mention I got the ticket on ticket master so it's not gon be like the 2019 MX concert. It's a real ticket, just expensive af. But also I feel like I fucked up. But it's okay, right? Like it's not the end of the world. But don't forget that you fucked up and should be ashamed of how dumb you are. Just buy another ticket when they go on sale fr.... how tf do I check if I have hitouch like.... I just need to know. Ugh.

I'll be fine.

But I should've checked or talked to someone who's done this before. Why didn't I ask someone?? I hate this.

You have floor seats stfu and move on.

Okay so yeah I'm trying not to scream but coolin, y'know.

It's okay I'm okay it's okay I'm okay it's okay I'm okay....

Okay

I feel fizzy. Like my brain is soaking in McDonald's sprite. Quite unpleasant. But writing has helped. It's helped an incredible amount. And I feel like it directly correlates with my weight. The last week I've been able to firmly cement myself in the 170s. Very much a good thing. An exceedingly comfortable development. I feel like the 170s were difficult before but this time the 180s were really mfkn hard to free myself from. I'll need to look back and see but almost entirely certain 170 was a problem for me in the past while the 160s weren't that bad but the 150s made weight loss go back to being hard. 150 is very comfortable but harder to maintain than the 140s I feel like I could maintain 140 along with gaining some muscle. Maaaaaan

Also I'm nervous af about food when I go visit my aunt in June. Like I kinda really don't wanna mfkn go cuz buffalo is horrible but also performative eating is a huge strain around my family. There are more people around who know that food used to be an issue for me so they'll notice subtle shit. Then going to see Ichigo... is that the name I gave him? I feel like it is. My bff from when I was a little ass kid. I'm taking a flight from Buffalo to jfk and hanging out with him and his partner might be extremely hard for me 🥴 like I kinda feel like it's gonna be too much. God I'm scared of losing all my progress but maybe if I can get myself down far enough I won't be as bent tf out of shape if a gain a couple lbs. I just really REALLY don't want to disappoint myself. But I'm a proverbial disappointment, it's probably inevitable.

I'm scared.

[jeonqkooks]

jen dearest 🤍 i got myself some time during my lunch break to reply to you ; u ; but how exciting that you had a great time back at home and seeing all the people you missed the last little while. i know the feeling you described, almost... a mix of guilt and grief for "visiting" home and not staying home, for "leaving behind" the ones who probably want you by their side the most. i feel that way every time i see my grandparents, and they are only a couple cities over from me... i cannot imagine that sort of strain on your heartstrings after hopping on the plane 🥺 but although that feeling doesn't really get any better, life does get bigger — so in comparison to the last time, hopefully your visits home become easier to carry with experience. (did you try bánh canh like we last discussed 😂?)

those resolutions — or at least, aspirations to set forth this year! — sound perfectly reasonable to me ☺️ i hope you get to achieve them, or even an inkling of all, so you can full power experience them later! as for me — i may tap back into writing, but for original characters of my own; maybe even poetry? how fun would that be hehe i'm also looking to move along with work — things have been going well in my role, and my team definitely trusts me with managing the office — but the company itself and the compensation is next to nothing, sadly. but cheers to see where our professional roads lead ^^~ any new country in particular you're looking to come to?

my love and i are still going strong 🥰 it will be 7 years together in february! things have been sort of picking up a notch — we've discussed engagement/marriage to our families and it makes me feel so funny because!!! i!!! am!!! baby!!! (see: turning 28 later this year, my goodness 😨) who knows what will happen by this year but if things happen... i'll be sure to tell you 🤍

i'm so dearly content that you found that passion and rhythm again to write; especially almost every day! how absolutely exciting ; u ; ! when the muse has been locked in, it's hard to let go in the original rush of it all... may you enjoy the ride as it continues on hehe either way, i certainly hope the stay fandom has been treating you kindly and have become a safe place for you to travel to often. you only deserve the utmost best, after all.

until next time, sweetheart~

write soon. thương thương with all my heart,

cee 🤍

yeah it’s very bittersweet 🫠 i do still get emo sometimes thinking about it. yesterday i just sat down on the couch and stared at nothing for like 15 minutes after i looked at something i brought back from home. but yeah since i’m gonna try to come visit more often, hopefully the withdrawal won’t be as bad as this time 😔

bánh canh completely slipped my mind !! 😭 there’s actually quite a few things that i didn’t get to eat even though i was trying to tick everything off my list lol. from now on i’ll have to try and be more productive whenever i go back 😂

oh writing !! i hope you find the time and enjoyment in writing again. i miss your writing (and maybe!jk) sm :(( but i know that whatever it may be, poetry or your own oc’s, you’re gonna be amazing

i’m so glad that work is going well for you. and love !! that’s exciting news !! for now i can only hope that you two are as happy as can be. but fingers crossed for more wonderful news in the future <3 :’)

i’m planning to go to nyc later this year for a trip - maybe september, we’re still thinking - so i might be in the same timezone as you !!

thank you !! day by day i feel better about writing since the new muse has come into my life. getting back in touch with creativity again has really brightened up my life and it’s honestly kinda silly how much a good fandom experience can make me so happy lol. i hope that side of tumblr will continue to be as good as now for as long as possible bc it’s really been bringing me so much joy :’)

i always look forward to your messages. thank you for checking in, boo <3 happy tết in advance !! love you always, thương thương 🤍

[pqrachel]

New Year's Resolutions

I don't really know what to put here, but I felt like writing something just to have it down, so here goes... I haven't done formal resolutions in a while but why not right??

For art there's the stuff I've already posted on here: I want to keep up the trend of 4 days of sketches posted on here every week as a minimum. The best of these will be posted to bluesky as well, which I've already started. And any supporters on Patreon can commission a sketch once a month as well, these sketches will be recapped on Patreon as well. There's also gonna be one fully rendered piece every other week, which can be voted on by supporters as well. I want to keep that schedule going for as long as I can, hopefully through the entirety of the year, but I don't want to promise a full years worth of anything because there's always some complication, but I'm trying to commit to at least a season of that schedule, so Jan-Mar. I kind of also want to get more engagement on my art, bluesky's been great at that but I think maybe finding some art communities could be helpful as well. (Tumblr's fun but there's almost no interaction from followers, at least for me.) Since I'm trying NSFW art now, I kind of also want to see if a strip game format could work, I just worry that I'll get no engagement but I want to try that at some point, since it seems fun.

https://www.patreon.com/pqRachel

https://bsky.app/profile/pqrachel.bsky.social

Moving off of art though, I need to start earning some actual money. I've been trying YouTube and some small gig stuff but I think get an actual paying job is probably my biggest resolution. I hate having to work, I just get so overwhelmed so easily, but it's unfortunately becoming a necessity. I'm also gonna go back to tracking all my money, I want to be able to see where it's going and assure myself I don't get fucking scammed like I did this year, fucking BS hidden subscriptions for something I bought.

For fun stuff, I want to visit my friends more. It's been a bit of a lonely year and I miss them. It's mostly just they live too far away or are having financial issues themselves and are stuck working and/or being exhausted from working, so it's not like anyone's fault but still I want to see them more. It's weird, for like all of my life friends have been there when family hasn't and but since my dad died but mostly recently family's been there a bit more now that friends haven't been as central to my experience. But yeah the lonely year's been hard emotionally and mentally.

And to not end on a sad note, gaming. I've been playing a lot of games this year, and even though I have a lot of time to game I want art and finding a job to take priority. That being said: I want to get better at Trackmania, keeping the trend of improving every season going; Marvel Snap I don't have any specific goals for but I do want to keep playing for a while; I want to beat expert mode Terraria, I'm in hardmode and enjoying it so far; for upcoming games there's Rivals 2, The Bazaar, Horizon Forbidden West (for PC), and a few more that hopefully will be released in 2024, all of which I look forward to playing and enjoying. And for my game, I've kind of lost motivation, art and playing games have been more fun than developing a game with practically no following, so while I'd like to work more on that right now I just don't care to.

[wildweirdly]

Long ramble about random life stuff

On the weekends I usually go visit my girlfriend but she has a test on Monday so we decided to skip seeing each other so she could focus on studying. Fortunately I’m in a better place than I used to be so I haven’t been feeling lost or abandoned because of it but I do feel a level of displacement.

I tried reaching out to my crush but they’re busy, so idk what I’ll be doing for the remainder of my weekend. Overall I’d like to force myself to do chores but I get so anxious about cleaning when other people are around so idk. On top of that my energy is low cause I messed up my blood sugar with dinner. Trying to remedy it with coffee and hard cider currently.

On the positive side my boyfriend is off tomorrow as well so we’ll have the whole day together. The hard part is gonna be avoiding the urge to go out and spend money (I made a few mistakes so I’m flat broke till the 11th lmao) :X

So far I’ve had both my girlfriend and a coworker of mine offer to let me borrow money but I worry I’d just spend it on food I should be avoiding so I’m trying to just live through the brokenness with what I have. Besides, it’s my own doing that ended me up here so I want to take responsibility for that.

I’ve also been doing some reading today so maybe that’s a thing I can do in my down time now. Through some observations my coworker made I sorta re-realized that I’ve been doing the self detrimental people pleasing thing at work and so I’ve been taking time to do some reading/“research” on the fawn trauma response and how it relates to some of the problems I’ve been dealing with.

Also aforementioned crush recommend a couple of things to read and I managed to check one of them out before my mind ADHD-ed the information into the void. So far it’s been interesting but I haven’t gotten very far. I’m hoping that reading it might be able to lead me to a some sort of dialogue or something, idk.

Both my crush and my girlfriend are literary driven with interest in psychology and philosophy and I’d like to feel like I’m on more even ground with them. Currently I don’t know much on either besides the fuzzy memories of bits and pieces I learned in high school which isn’t very useful. Besides that I like feeling smart and lately I’ve felt like an idiot so maybe reading something “bigger” will allow me to ease up on myself.

The cider I’m drinking tonight is disgusting but I’m thankful I have it. I hate to say it but I sometimes feel like alcohol helps level my anxiety. Could just be a placebo though, I dunno. I try to be cautious cause my liver is already a little broken (thanks diabetes!) and my family has a history of alcohol issues so if I drink I limit myself to one a night (unless I go out, cause when I do I allow myself two).

Honestly I’m surprised how well I’m doing given that I’m off two out of my three psych meds. I never really planned on abruptly stopping but my psychiatrist has been ignoring my request for a refill on my anxiety meds and so it snowballed. If I have to be real about it there’s been some tension between my girlfriend’s anti-med views and my own reliance on them so it’s hard not to worry part of me is doing this to please her or “prove” myself in some way. But on the other hand my antipsychotics were fucking up my blood sugar in ways I’m still trying to recover from and I don’t feel different without them so I guess it’s a net gain. Why really shocks me is how normal I’m able to feel without my anxiety meds. I had some idea that they weren’t working properly for me and my psychiatrist seemed unwilling to look into alternatives so it also feels like it’s pointless to be on them, Yano? Like if they aren’t gonna do anything I really don’t see merit in taking them. The other one I’m on is an antidepressant and I have no intention of trying to alter that cause it genuinely helps me so yeah.

I’ll probably write another thing tonight but we’ll see.

[alissacorreadelrosario]

Fabulous at 28 🎂

Celebrated my 28th birthday on May 14, 2023 which is also the same date of the celebration for the mother's day this year. So, it's a double celebration. Happy birthday to me and happy mother's day to all mother's out there. 💞

Thanks to everyone who greeted me on my special day. I really appreciate it. Uhm, could you please sing a happy birthday song for me? (Kidding!!!) Hehe... I never had a chance to experience in which my classmates are singing a happy birthday song for me during my school years since my birthday falls on summer time. I only experienced someone singing a birthday song for me during my 1st, 7th and 18th birthday party.

This year, I just wanted a trip abroad. I don't want to throw a huge party like I had on my 18th birthday. I do believe that people change. The only thing that is constant in this world is change. Next year, I am also planning another birthday gift for myself--- I want to be back in UAE probably if I will have enough courage to do skydive in Abu Dhabi, UAE. Traveling is a matter of courage, not a matter of money. Or, if not UAE maybe another trip to Europe again or a trip to Cuba I guess haha??🤔

My 28 year old self is so happy. My younger self must be so proud of the person I've become. It feels so good to be free, spirited and adventurous at the same time.

This is a year of my answered prayers --- my year of winning season. God is good. I managed to be back in my favorite continent with my own savings. I love my life right now. It's so peaceful and I know that I am evolving and growing. Thank You Lord. At my early age of 27, you made everything happen. My college dreams that I used to write before are not just a product of my imagination but I can now tell other people that it is a product of hardwork, sacrifices and perseverance.

Thank You Lord for everything and for the upcoming blessings and answered prayers that You will soon grant in Your beautiful timing. My spiritual journey in Europe this year taught me so many things and I wish I could be back and experience it again in Your own beautiful time. For sure, I will be back. I am manifesting that already. Looking forward to visit Fatima and Lourdes again.

Thank You Lord for teaching me the value of being patient in Your time and to trust in Your will.

Thank you also to my dear parents. Back then, it was so hard to convince them because I really love to travel the world, but, right now, I just got their full support as long as I will take care of myself abroad. I usually tell my trips to my parents once I already paid a reservation. Haha. My parents are not fond of traveling. I don't know where did I inherit my passion for traveling. I really love what I am doing and everytime I booked a trip I learn something new. I love exploring and experiencing different cultures and traditions. To be honest, I am grateful for my solo trips abroad. I am happy that my parents have full trust in my capabilities that I can do it. I might not have a family, friend or someone who I really know during my two European adventures. I never feel uncertain everytime I take the risk of being a solo female traveler, knowing that I am not alone because our God is with me during my adventures. He is the one who is guiding me. He never abandons me. I might be a solo traveler in the Schengen area but I always end up gaining new friends after my travel which I am really grateful for. Thanks be to God for these people.

Here's to more adventure and learning on my age of 28. I am working hard again and again. I am manifesting a new list of dreams that I am gonna pursue. I am planning to study again and hopefully I could still travel abroad even though I want to be part of another comprehensive training in dentistry if it is really God's will this year. I am planning also for some long term investments that are appropriate with my age which I think should be confidential.

Let me just share this song because just like the lyrics of this song I am so high at the moment!

I'm still young so I will continue exploring my hidden potentials and there's always a room for growth and maturity. I will continue serving other people with the field that I love.

Lord, thank You for the gift of life... 2️⃣8️⃣

Love lots, A💞

[tn4na]

16012023 from my laptop the fact that i type from my laptop means that i could probably also just open my journal. but i really do get to write more this way. i suppose prioritizing is not a bad thing. today, i saw my cousins for maybe? the last time this visit? it was very nice to see them. one of them, i only got to see today. but it was a very nice day. it was very nice to see them—made me happy. today has been quite long! woke up, took an hour to really fully wake up. i think i’m gonna wake up earlier for whatever time i have left here. but anyways, i had crises, in my head. cried. was worried about urop things (silly thing to be worried about, because i can stop, whenever i want). felt stressed about spending my dad’s money (he told me that’s silly as well, i’m blessed). felt like this spring, i might be doing too little, or too much. but really, i just have to go with the flow. i have a hard time doing just what i feel like. a lot of times i also shouldn’t do just what i feel like because sometimes that’s rotting in bed while it would really make me feel a lot better to get up and do something. talked to f about all the things i want to explore in the spring, and iap. i think my theme for 2023 is play. to approach things curious, wanting to learn more. really, i just want to try my best. a year of play is a year for process, because that’s where most of the play takes place. this iap, i’ll go to the rink, because i need to move my body, and i made a commitment. i’ll also go to the building 4 practice pianos. asked j for a recommendation for what i should learn next, and he recommended me the polonaise by chopin that people call adieu (op posthumous). i’m excited to learn it. it’s something i’ve heard before for sure, but it’s not like liebestraum, or clair de lune, or these other even more famous pieces. even though this one is famous as well. i think i have a better time learning things that not literally everyone around me knows. it takes a little pressure off, and i feel like i’ll be able to play around with it a lot and come up with an interpretation of it that feels good to me. of course, i don’t actually know how far i’ll go with it, but i’ll try my best. at least for iap. anyways, those are my two independent projects, though i may also ask r or j for help with piano. other independent projects might include knitting a balaclava, or drawing, or just listening to music and observing the world. observing the world is a forever ongoing independent project. as for non independent projects, maybe i’ll learn to paint. i think that would be quite fun. told f that i had been thinking about light, and maybe that i was also thinking about ceramics and painting. but that i’m really resistant to starting things on my own, especially when things require me to buy things. f offered his paints that he bought recently, and also to teach me. since i am not alone in this, i think it may actually go somewhere. that might be another big thing for iap. also, since my dad told me to worry less about money, if there are any art classes that require money, i’ll just spend it. i’m looking forward to these things! scared, in a way. but i’m always doing things that make me scared. maybe not really, but in general, i am able to do things that make me scared. i consider this a positive thing. tomorrow, i’m gonna wake up early so maybe i can go out to lunch with my family. in the afternoon, i have an interview for an internship at the film fest in armenia. i’m not really nervous, but i do wonder if they’ll really think i’m suited for the position. i’ll just write down here all the reasons i want to go:

(i get too distracted on my laptop but anyways) i want to do something different freshman summer, because in the future i’ll be doing more work things. i want to go somewhere to challenge myself in a field that is different than what i may work in in the future, because it will still be relevant to my life.

armenia: in a beautiful region of the world i don’t know much about.

i want to learn more about what makes people. what drives people. lightness and darkness, good and bad, what people think, what people feel. the people i know just in the us and thailand are so different already. and i’ve learned so much just from what’s around me. i think i could learn a lot by being in a region that i’m completely unfamiliar with. i specifically want to learn more about the arts in that area, and the types of things that connect to armenian people. while a lot about everyone is the same, culture matters. where you are matters. i just want to learn

i think that having this general understanding of people allows me to approach the world in a better way. i want to make a clearer picture of how i want to spend my days.

i’ve written for my school newspaper before, and i have an interest in the arts. i’m a hard worker! [examples] and i will be able to live up to the tasks they give me

i think i am setting myself to be very lonely, and i am setting myself up to have to make new friends. i wonder how. i do wonder why i want to put myself through more pain. i think it’s out of fear.

i’m gonna try my best not to think too hard about these things. it’s a year of play. but even being free feels so unnatural to me. it’s like that passage from 1q84—it’s so hard to learn to be anything else. like i would shatter if i relaxed. but it’s okay. i’m working on it. i realized, when i texted j (not all these letters are the same person please remember) that when i go back to boston, i probably won’t see as much of the sky. i’m gonna make an effort to keep looking up.

[harcove]

you uh. wouldn't mind an angst request would you haha because I have had this one scenario stuck in my head where leon (probably resi 6 leon) has been drinking a lot more and has been neglecting his s/o and they finally call him out on his shit

anyway ooga booga they fight and decide it's best they give leon his space and take a break and maybe he finds them at a bar he goes to to get wasted to already find them drunk off their ass

Angst is absolutely one of my most favourite things to write and to read like damn I do be out here making myself CRY. So I definitely don't mind angst like hell yeah!

I was gonna end this was a happier note- but uh, I really love angst so I left it semi-open ended but also pretty sad I think. Also not really dialogue-heavy, more like... I write too much detail-heavy :,) Also this isn't edited, I spent days on this cause I was overthinking it and felt it was just not good so oof I'm sorry!

Length: 2k

Request: in the ask

Warnings: angst, drinking, lowkey it's alcoholism on Leon's part, being drunk

Leon x Reader - "I know."

How long had it been since you had held your boyfriend's hand? Since the two of you had really sat together and done something together, fully, completely, involved, and focused on one another. You didn't even remember, which was agonizing to think about.

You had been through so much with Leon. And you knew where his deepest thought lay, but you could never truly know. And it didn't help that over the years the two of you had together, he had started to become more distant. And instead of finding his comfort in your arms, he found it in some glass bottle.

At first, you didn't really protest much, you didn't say much about it. A drink every once in a while couldn't hurt. Yet, it wasn't every once in a while. It was more often than you'd have liked. And he was using it to forget. To focus on anything else but his life and his memories. Your soft words trying to talk to him didn't do much to stop him or dissuade him. He brushed you off more often than not. It tore you up from the inside out that you couldn't help him, that at some point a bottle was his chosen form of comfort over you.

The guilt mixed with sadness, and then with anger. And in the end, those feelings came together and created an explosion between the two of you one night.

Your throat was hoarse as you swallowed as much air as you could. You couldn't exactly remember what the argument stemmed from but you knew it had to be related to him drinking.

"Will you just listen to me?!" You shouted, the words coming out uneven as your throat begged you to stop, "put that shit down Leon, and look at me!"

The man sitting at the aisle in your kitchen put the flask he had down in front of him, but still had his hands on it. He turned his head to look at you, barely even moving at all, and his eyes were looking at you like he was unimpressed or annoyed.

"I'm listening."

You wanted to pull on your hair and scream because he wasn't. He wasn't listening, and he hadn't been, at least not for a while.

"No you aren't, you are not listening to a word I say, you never do!"

He scoffed, turning back to his drink and taking another sip.

"Where am I going on Friday?"

"What?" He looked at you incredulously, completely lost as your voice went from yelling at him to speaking relatively peacefully, but there was no peace in your voice.

"I said, where am I going on Friday, Leon," you repeated with clenched fists, "if you listen to me if you even bother to pay attention to me, you would know the answer. So where am I going on Friday?"

The silence was your answer, as you expected it to be, you just hadn't expected it to be so painful.

"I'm going to visit my family in the town over," your voice was low and tired, and you wanted to cry but you couldn't even find it in you to do that, "I told you that a thousand times Leon I..."

Biting your lip hard, you felt yourself break skin, and the metallic taste of blood invaded your taste buds. You were so angry at him moments before, angry enough you had been yelling. But suddenly you weren't angry anymore. You were just so sad; sad for yourself and sad for him. He wasn't going to listen to you, not right now, that much was clear.

"I've been busy Y/N-" whatever he said was wasted on deaf ears as you drowned them out unintentionally, your eyes trained on the flask he nursed.

For once, you knew you had to let it be. You had to give him space, and give yourself space.

"I'm sleeping in the guest room," you offered lamely after the long silence between the two of you after he had finished whatever he had said. Leon looked up at you, with a look of surprise, and confusion, "we both need space. From each other. I just... Don't stay up drinking all night."

"Y/N-" his words once again fell upon deaf ears, and his fingers just missed your arm as you turned and went upstairs to the room usually used by people like Claire, or Chris, sometimes Sherry.

When morning came, you had gotten up later than usual, Leon was already gone as he usually was early in the morning with his job and everything. Your heart felt heavier as you walked into the empty kitchen and noted the vodka bottle you two had been given as a gift was half empty. Something in you asked if it was all worth it; did it really do so much that he drank more than he should've? Did it take away the feelings of hopelessness, like the one you were currently stuck in?

Those were the thoughts that followed you the entire day as you went about your routine. They followed you all the way to the spare bedroom of one of your old friend's homes as you decided you and Leon needed to take a break. If you didn't do that, you feared you would only lose him completely. Or lose yourself. It was exhausting.

But what was even more exhausting was not seeing him. You worried for him, and even if you sometimes felt like he didn't, he worried for you.

It would take about a week before something would crack, before the storm that had been brewing between you two, the one that laid dormant after you walked out to take from your relationship, would begin to thunder again, but in a much different way.

"We're here to have fun," your friend who had been letting you stay over said as she pushed a shot of... something into your hands, leaning against the bar from your side while you said on one of the barstools, "and loosen up. You specifically."

You rolled your eyes; this wasn't in your plan for the day, going to a bar. But it was more than you had done in the past week now. Your routine consisted of going to work and heading back to your friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

You wanted Leon. But you couldn't have him right now. You were still upset, and you didn't even know if he wanted you right now. Everything was a mess.

Things seemed to blur together over the course of the night in the bar, your friend insisting on you trying each new drink she got, some not new too. You had had one drink that you ordered of your own volition, and it had been a regular bottle of beer. But the shots your friend got for you two, and the sips of the drinks your friend ordered, culminated into more than you realized and you could say you were a bit more than just tipsy.

For some reason though, your friend seemed to be chugging along much better than you, you must've been a lightweight.

You hadn't even seen your friend in a while, but you also were so out of it that you couldn't exactly comprehend time properly at that current moment in time.

A hand on your arm and a familiar voice seemed to sober you a bit as your eyes met familiar blue, but they were clouded over with pain, with worry. Confusion too, and a bit of shock. Your fingers twitched, aching to touch his arm. His face. To smooth the furrow that seemed to be etching itself into his brow, threatening to become a new and permanent feature.

But the sober feeling you experienced also stopped you from doing any of the above. Rather, your body stiffened a bit and you pulled away from his touch, only barely missing the look of hurt that glided over his features as you did so.

"L-Leon?" the alcohol in your system made it sound more like you were questioning if he was real rather than saying his name, "What are you-"

The question you were going to ask didn't even need to be finished. It didn't even need an answer from him, because even if you were drunk, you knew Leon. And you knew why he was there.

"Oh," you couldn't help but scoff, "you want my drink? It'll start you off-"

Leon wasn't going to pretend that he hadn't come to the bar to drink away his sorrows; to forget all the pain he held onto and the nightmares he couldn't escape, and now the pain of not having you around. But when he walked in and saw you? Something in him stopped. Something in him twisted and he felt nauseous and for once it wasn't because of a hangover, but it was because of you.

You looked so miserable. Not that you realized you were wearing your heart on your sleeve at the bar, with the dejected look on your face and the limp hand holding onto a beverage you clearly didn't enjoy. Whilst at the same time, you looked empty.

Is that what you saw? Is that what he looked like to you when he was drinking? When he was at home or at a bar, focusing on anything but reality?

Leon didn't want a drink anymore, he wanted to get you out of a place that didn't suit you whatsoever. He wanted to take you home, he didn't want you to be him.

"You didn't come here alone, did you?" He cut off whatever you were trying to say as he looked into your eyes sternly.

"What? N-no I'm not stupid... I came here with a friend."

It didn't take long for Leon to figure out the friend because he spotted her coming near the bar, and recognized her.

"Hey, I'm taking Y/N home," Leon tried to not sound aggressive when he spoke, but it may have only made him sound more upset.

"Leon? Oh, ya, of course. Are you two...?"

"We'll be fine," Leon replied as he helped you stand up, "thanks for being with them."

He hadn't just meant in the bar but in the past week. It was left unsaid, but it was laid bare.

As much as you wanted to pull away from the man who gently wrapped one of his strong arms around your waist, and used the other to hold your arm behind his neck, you couldn't. You didn't have the strength to, and you missed him.

Leon was glad he had taken the car and not his motorcycle. There was no way in hell he would've been able to keep you on a motorcycle all the way back to your home that you shared, or well, you hadn't for the past week. But that wasn't the point.

"You're so mean Leon..." you mumbled as he helped you get into the passenger seat of the car. He all but carried you into it like a child and leaned across you to put your seat belt on. You leaned your face into his neck as he did so, breathing deeply.

"I just... Want you to be happy," you continued sloppily, "but you won't... Let me in..."

Leon's breathing stopped for a moment as he stilled, his hand still on the seatbelt he had just finished putting you in. He quickly pulled himself together and pulled back, adjusting the belt on your body so it wasn't digging into your lazy form, but it was still doing its job.

"I know."

There was so much more he could say, but he couldn't.  He wasn't sure if he ever could.

He settled himself into the driver's seat and got ready to start the car up.

"I still love you though..." your words were slurred as you rested your head on the car window, feeling your eyes grow heavier.

"I..." Leon's hand was turning white at the knuckles from how hard he was holding the steering wheel. He didn't deserve you. And you didn't deserve this.

"I know..."

[starlightxsvt]

Home | k.mg

pairing ➳ businessman!mingyu x female!reader

genre ➳ strangers to lovers, romance, slice of life, angst, fluff, gets spicy at the end

word count ➳ 5.6k (apx)

warnings ➳ cursing, reader is really indecisive, heavy makeout, implications of sexual activity.

synopsis ➳ an attractive stranger visits your cabin for a week with whom you quickly bond, developing some strong feelings in the process; leaving you to wonder if he's worth leaving everything behind.

A/N: henlooo~ I finally posted! This has been sitting in my drafts for a while but I didn't really feel like writing for a while, hence the delay. I hope y'all enjoy this piece and please don't forget to leave some feedback! It really motivates me :)

A cool gust of wind blew by as you finished typing your last column, leaving a soothing feeling behind as you exhaled loudly. It was hard to finish this piece of writing for some reason, maybe because you lacked inspiration or maybe because your life had been monotonous for a while or simply, a mix of both. Closing your laptop you stretch your hands and legs, feeling somewhat productive. Humming a tune, you looked out the window to see a Lamborghini come to a halt at the entrance.

It piqued your interest because it's not often that people riding Lamborghini come in this cabin so genuinely you're interested in the visitor. You shifted in your chair, waiting for the man to come upstairs to the reception and sure enough a tall- really tall man dressed in a neatly pressed suit appears into your view, briskly walking towards the reception where Chan stood to greet him. You could not get a good look at his face as he moved around quickly, grabbing his small carry on and heading towards his cabin after the formalities.

You watched his tall frame walking away as you got up from your seat and moved towards Chan.

"Who is he?"

"Kim Mingyu," Chan explained, resting his arms on the reception table." A millionaire, owns a lot of companies. No wonder he looked familiar."

"Oh, really? How long is he staying?"

"He has booked for five days. Said he might extend his stay."

"I see."

"Why are you so curious though?" Chan raised a brow at you, tilting his head to a side.

"Nothing." You shrugged. "He just has different vibes than the other people that come here you know?"

Chan hummed in agreement.

-

There was never much visitors during the rainy season which was both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because that meant the cabin was less hectic and curse because sometimes you are bound to get a bit too bored. You were helping yourself with a cup of tea to somewhat feel re-energised when your newest and the only guest for the week appeared from his cabin, padding through the corridor and stepping into the common kitchen area. You were taken aback for a moment before you composed yourself and smiled at your guest, "Good morning, Mr. Kim. May I help you with anything?"

"Mingyu, please," the tall male replied while scanning the kitchen area. "You're the owner right? What's the food arrangement here?"

"Well, our guests generally cook for themselves or order takeout. When there are many guests I sometimes do the cooking."

Nodding, he hummed before putting in a capsule in the cappuccino machine. You took a seat by the window, tea in your hand as you watched the male move around like he knew this place. Dressed in his pajamas and judging by the fluffy mess that his hair was you assumed he had a good night's sleep.

"I hope you had a pleasant night, Mr- Mingyu." You said to your guest who had whipped out a pan from the cupboard and was making omelette. "Yes, surprisingly so. Normally I have trouble falling asleep but I slept like a baby last night," he casually conversed as he prepared his breakfast.

You smiled, "Well, I'm glad to know that. If you need anything let my staffs or me know."

"Sure. Oh- I didn't get your name though." Mingyu turned to meet your eyes.

"___," you smiled.

"___, okay."

-

"This is gonna be a rainy week," Hoshi said from behind you as he stood holding a tub of fresh soil for the plants in the backyard of the cabin. You sat on your knees, eyeing the plants which needed their soil changed.

"Yeah? Well, good thing there isn't much guests now."

"I think there should be, I mean it's so pretty here during the rain too. People need to look at it themselves." Hoshi complained.

"Well, most people don't like going out in the rain. Pass me the soil, Hoshi. Let's get this finished before the shower starts."

Hoshi handed you the tub of soil as the sky above started growling, full of thick black clouds. It was gonna start raining soon.

Hoshi spoke, "Oh, Mr.Kim, Mingyu you know, asked me about the beach by the marketplace. Apparently he wants to visit so he asked me if I was free to show him around."

"And let me guess, you aren't?" You rolled your eyes.

Soonyoung pouted, "No! Well I would have given him a tour today if the weather wasn't so bad. And my friends are coming tomorrow, so I'll be busy then."

"Wait- you're friends are coming?" You turned, glaring at the boy who smiles sheepishly, "Oh! Um- I didn't tell you? Well they're only staying for a couple of days and it's not like they're staying for free."

"Well, make sure they clean after themselves okay? If I see them trashing all over the place like last time, I'm kicking you out with them." You gave him a pointed look.

"Okay okay," Hoshi rolled his eyes, puffing his cheeks. "Just- take the CEO out on a tour tomorrow for me okay? I haven't seen my friends in a long time."

"Alright, I will...if the weather is good which probably won't be." You sighed, gently removing the old soil.

Hoshi mused about Mingyu, "Bummer for him, he came in a wrong time. It's weird, no? We don't have such guests like him."

"Yeah," you hummed, focused on handling your roses.

-

Hoshi's friend, Seokmin and Seungkwan appeared early in the morning next day as you watched Hoshi vibrate from happiness when he hugged them. You smiled to yourself, laughing at at the antics of your staff as you saw him guide his friends into their cabin. The day was once again filled with dark clouds and raining which occurred every other hour. You and Chan cleaned up and completed some chores as the noon fell.

"Should I cook something up for them?" You wondered as Chan finished cleaning the common space of the first cabin.

"Nah, Seokmin hyung is cooking for them. He's a pretty good cook actually."

"Really? That's nice." You said pulling up a chair to sit down. "Are you gonna join them? Hoshi has been with his friends since they came."

"Yeah, probably. You should join us too."

"No, I think I'm gonna take a nap. I feel so tired."

"Alright."

You watched as Chan climbed down the stairs and stepped towards the second cabin where everyone else was. You were about to head to your room when the CEO, Mingyu appeared in the kitchen.

"Oh, hello."

"Hi."

"I haven't seen you since morning," you said watching as Mingyu poured himself a glass of water.

"Yeah, I woke up early today, went for a jog."

"Ah, I see."

"Couldn't go far though, the weather sucks you know." He said leaning against the kitchen top.

"Yeah. But I heard that it should get better from tomorrow. I could show you around if you want to. Hoshi, my staff, is going to busy for a while so I can guide you around."

"Really? That would be cool." Mingyu smiled. There was a small stretch of silence as you both listened to the rainfall before he spoke, "Have you had lunch?"

"Uh-no."

"Would you like to join me?" He asked "This is the longest time I've been alone and it feels a bit weird," he murmured more to himself than you.

"I mean- I don't mind," you shrugged. "Though I should be the one doing it."

"It's okay. People say I am a good cook," Mingyu smiled, his eyes crinkling.

"Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to see."

-

It was weird how comfortable you felt watching Mingyu being clumsy and bump into things as he prepared your meal. It felt like you've been doing this forever- like you've known him forever and you thought to yourself what was suddenly wrong with you. He made small talk as he cooked and it felt easy talking with him- almost impossible to believe that he was stranger. He was friendly and easy to get along with, definitely not a cold and grumpy businessman like you imagined him to be.

Mingyu grinned as he set down the food in front of you- chicken soup, rice and cheese omelette. His eyes twinkled excitedly as he watched you take a bite, waiting for you to say something.

"What are you? A part time chef or something?" You tried not to moan as you chewed because it was that good. Mingyu laughed- a sweet, shy laugh that had his canines showing and his eyes forming crescents. "Thank you. I learned from my mom. I like cooking for myself when I get the time which is not often," he smiled- almost sadly.

"Well, you can cook for me all you want as long as you're here because this is amazing!" You grinned at him, cheeks puffed with food.

Mingyu chuckled softly as he dug in and you both started eating. It felt nice, to talk to someone new and spend time with them, someone other than Chan or Hoshi. It was a nice change- a change you probably needed for a while.

"So...What brings you here?" You asked as you finished your food, setting down the spoon and leaning back into the chair. Mingyu who was still eating, looked at you with a perplexed expression so you spoke, "I mean...we don't generally have guests like you. And it's not even a good time to visit...so I was wondering what brought you here?"

"Guests like me? What does that mean?"

"I mean...rich, okay?" You fumbled, feeling awkward. Maybe you shouldn't have asked. "Like...there are fancier places to visit, you know..."

Mingyu smiled at your words for a moment before he deadpanned, "I'm running away."

"Running away?" You gasped, almost jumping from your seat, "From who? The cops?"

"It would have been better but no, my family," he said, his voice as serious as ever.

"Oh...I see," you fell quiet. It definitely wasn't the answer you expected. You both remained silent for a while as he started out the window, lost in thoughts. "It must have been really bad if you're hiding out here." You spoke softly.

"It has always been," he mumbled. "I just couldn't take it anymore, you know? I desperately needed a break," he spoke more to himself than you. Instead of prodding further, you sat quietly, watching him and listening to his words. Seeing him now, he definitely looks troubled and you didn't exactly have the words to console him.

So you whispered, "Well, I hope it gets better."

-

Later that night, you find Hoshi and his friends and Chan preparing for a bonfire in the front yard of the cabin.

"Wow, you all are really having fun, no?" You said as you fisted your hands in your pockets from the chilly weather. The air was colder than other nights and everyone including you had put on some warm clothes.

"You wanna join us?" Seokmin asked as he stacked logs on top of each other.

"Nah, it's fine. You four carry on," you patted his back as you started walking back towards the cabin and saw Chan and Hoshi coming out with some boxes in their hands.

"Hey! There are marshmallows in the kitchen cabinet if you want.... nevermind," you finished as you saw beer cans and soju bottles in their hands.

"We're gonna get drunk baby!" Soonyoung yelled, grinning like a fool.

"Hyung, you look drunk already," Chan gave him a side look as they trudged towards the bonfire.

Laughing at their antics you climbed the stairs to the kitchen, preparing some hot chocolate for yourself. Holding the mug on one hand you knocked on the door to Mingyu's room, checking up on him since you haven't seen him since lunch.

The door opened revealing Mingyu in a baggy shirt and pajamas, his hair fluffy and messy.

"Hey," you chriped. "Wanted to check up on you. You wanna join the others in the bonfire?"

"Nah, I'm good. I've been watching them from the balcony." He smiled, his pointy canines showing.

"Oh, I see."

"You wanna come in? I've been getting lonely." He offered, moving away from the door to make space for you.

"Uh- I don't mind," you murmured, surprised that he asked you to come in. You tentatively stepped in and it was fair to say that you were surprised to see the room neat and pristine as most guests kept their room messy.

He ushered you into the balcony, which had a great view of your yard and the forest behind. You saw others laughing loudly as Soonyoung acted something out. Mingyu's voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

"You didn't join them?"

"Nah, they can get too loud sometimes," you chuckled, taking a seat on the bench. You eyed an empty mug lying by, guessing that Mingyu already had his fill of hot chocolate.

Mingyu took a seat beside you, stretching his legs and sighing as he mused, "The view is great."

You hummed your agreement. It was indeed. Not only did you have the full view of your yard and the forest, but you could see a vast horizon of the night sky, some stars twinkling through the clouds.

"It's even more beautiful during summer. You can see so many stars that it feels unreal." You told him.

"Then I will try to visit again during summer," he smiled and you were not sure if he was serious or joking. However you replied with a smile, "You're always welcome."

A silence falls among you two after that but it's not uncomfortable, as you both watched the night grow and Soonyoung and his friends got louder.

"Things got really hard for me, you know," Mingyu started speaking, his voice soft as he stared at the mesh of trees ahead. You were somewhat surprised at his words, but you didn't interrupt, opting for him to continue.

"Running a million dollar company was never easy but...it suddenly was unbearable. My parents always interfered in my work and how I run the company but I managed through all of that, really...until..." Mingyu heaved a long sigh, abruptly stopping.

"Until?" You tentatively asked, peeking at him.

"They want me to get married. With the daughter of their business partner. A marriage of convenience, really."

Oh.

You fell silent, watching him as the moonlight dimly lit the side of his face. There wasn't enough light to see his face completely, but enough to see the curve of his face, his sharp jawline and the sad, lost look in his eyes. Your heart suddenly ached for him. Silently you patted his shoulder, conjuring up some words to console him.

"That's ...awful, really. I'm sorry."

"I've never been so mad in my whole life. Can't they just leave me alone? They treat me like a puppet, like my only job is to live for them. I'm so done. " He said, his hands forming fists.

There's a beat of silence as you quietly patted his back and watched your friends get wasted by the bonfire before he chuckled softly, "I'm sorry for dumping all these on you. I just couldn't hold them in you know-"

"It's really fine, Mingyu. I don't mind. It would be nice if I could actually help you," you sighed, retracting your hand.

"Trust me, you are," he said and you caught a smile on his face.

"I suppose you don't have a significant other? Someone you could talk to freely?"

He shook his head. "That is why I came here. Needed to get my thoughts together, away from them. Not to mention I don't remember the last time I went on a vacation."

"And have you got your thoughts together?"

"I think so, yeah." He shrugged.

"What are you gonna do?" You asked tilting your head.

"Stand strong in my ground, I guess. There's no way I'm marrying their business partner, I'd rather die. And if all else fails, I'm staying here. I'm sure you have some type of job for me, right?"

You laughed at his words, "Maybe. But I'm not sure about your skills, Mr. Kim."

"Oh I'm a fast learner, Miss ___."

You both grinned at each other.

That night when you went back to your room, your thoughts were plagued by Mingyu and you could swear you saw him in your dreams too.

-

The next morning is brighter and shinier; the sky relatively clear other than some light clouds. After getting dressed and checking up on Hoshi and Chan who were still sleeping, you trudged through the cabin and towards Mingyu's room, before knocking on it. A fully dressed Mingyu appeared, clad in a white polo and jeans, his hair styled messily. He looked effortlessly attractive, making your heart skipp a few beats.

Damn it, what was wrong with you?

"Hi," you almost missed a breath, your face flushed with warmth.

"Oh, hey. I was about to come to you. I believe you were to show me around." Mingyu grinned, his pointy canines showing.

"And that is what I'm here for, Mr. Kim."

"Great! Let's get going. We'll take my car."

-

After showing Mingyu around for a couple of hours, you both ended up at the beach by the marketplace, sitting on the sand next to each other. The weather was nice; not too hot, not too cold as a light breeze flew by occasionally. Though you could see some black clouds gathering above, it wasn't to rain until evening if the forecast was correct.

"This place is so pretty," Mingyu mused, making you smile.

"I know right. The weather is great too."

You both watched the waves crash to the shore, occasionally wetting your feet as you both relaxed on the sand. There was a silence, a comfortable one as you finished eating the corndog you bought from the market earlier with some groceries. As you finished the last bite, Mingyu turned to face you and asked, "Tell me about yourself."

"What?" A squeak of surprise escaped from you.

"I shared a lot about myself last night. It's only fair I get to know about you too."

"Well..." You pondered. "There isn't much to tell. I've a pretty dull life, unlike you."

Mingyu chuckled, shaking his head, "Does the cabin belong to your parents? Is it like a family business type of thing?"

"No, not really," you smiled softly. "My parents are dead. The cabin belonged to my grandfather."

"Oh- I'm sorry."

"No it's okay. They passed away in an accident when I was a kid so I don't remember them much." You spoke, watching the sea, "My grandparents raised me. Growing up I've spent a lot of time in the cabin and when my grandfather retired he handed the job to me."

"Are they alive? Your grandparents?" He asked tentatively.

You shook your head, "Grandpa passed away a couple years ago and it's been a few months since grandma did too."

"I'm sorry, you must've been lonely," Mingyu offered, his voice soft.

You shrugged, "Yeah, like I said, nothing interesting going on in my life."

Mingyu hummed noncommittally and there was a few moments of silence before he spoke again, "Was managing the cabin something you have always wanted to do?"

You were quiet for a while as you thought over the question, "No...not really. I've just kept doing the job I was handed to. I haven't really thought about what I want to do."

"Well...I think you should hire a manager in your place and maybe...I don't come to the city and make friends, see what calls for you."

"Yeah, I've thought about it. But I don't know really." You murmured.

"Well, give it some thought. I could help you find a manager. In fact, I could help promote and upgrade your cabin if you'd let me. It'll be a good investment."

You laughed softly, not taking his words too seriously. He was just a guest. He was probably just being nice.

A gust of strong wind flew by, ruining your hair as it poked into your eyes and you laughed when your eyes landed on Mingyu.

"What?"

His hair was sticking in different directions because of the wind and you shook your head with a smile as you reached to pat the hairs back into place. It happened naturally, before you could stop yourself. For a moment your eyes meet as you quickly retract your hand, face heated.

Something was definitely wrong with you.

Mingyu's gaze stayed at you for a while; you could feel his intense eyes on you and you thought maybe he didn't like you touching him. Before your thoughts ran more rampant, he spoke.

"___?"

"Y-yes?"

"Do you...Do you have a home?"

"Home?" You were confused.

"Yes, home. Not like a real house but like a... person. Someone who makes you feel at ease, someone with whom you can be yourself without judgements, someone who keeps you cozy and safe and loved...like a home."

Somewhat taken aback by his words, you fell silent but their depth hit you and you found yourself thinking about it. Do you have a home?

No. No, you don't.

You shook your head, murmuring, "No."

Mingyu nodded taking his eyes off you.

"What about you?" You asked.

"Me neither."

You smiled, "Figures. Because if you had someone you wouldn't have run here but went to them."

Mingyu smiled, a sad smile gracing his lips. It was a somewhat bitter truth, he hadn't found his home no matter how much he looked for it. Maybe that's what he was doing wrong, looking desperately.

"Let's get going. It has started to rain," Your voice dragged him out of his thoughts as he felt small drops of water fall on his face. You reached your hand out to him and he took it, standing up. As you both jogged towards Mingyu's car, your hands remained connected, no one bothering to let go.

-

That night you had dinner with Mingyu again but this time it was you who did the cooking. After enjoying dinner over small talk, Mingyu like the gentleman he is did the dishes as you poured some wine for the two of you.

Sitting on the small table in common space by the window, you both watched the clear sky that had appeared after the shower. You sipped your wine, watching the vast expanse of stars that blinked in the dark sky.

"I think I've to go back tomorrow," Mingyu suddenly whispered, his tone so low you almost thought you misheard him. A bolt out the blue, you looked at him.

"Tomorrow?"

"Mmhmm," he fiddled with the hem of his cardigan as he stared at the table. "I've got so many calls and messages from work. My company won't run on its on, I can be gone for only so long." He sighed.

You didn't offer any words, too shocked to know that he'd be gone tomorrow. What is this attachment you've developed towards him? Why did the thought of someone, almost a stranger going back to where he came from, where he belonged hurt you so much? You didn't know what to label your feelings but realizing that you'd probably never see him again was tugging at your heartstrings.

Should you ask him for his number and stay connected with him? Is there even a point in that? You both live miles away from each other. Or should just take his advice and follow him to the city? Would that even be a good idea? Are you just reading all this wrong?

You were so invested in your thoughts that you didn't realize Mingyu was calling you until he shook your shoulder.

"You okay, ___?"

"Huh? Yeah...it's just, the news is really sudden. I didn't... expect you'd return so soon." You mumbled.

Mingyu sighed, his shoulder dropping a little bit. "Trust me, if I could I'd stay here forever. But...I can't keep running. I need to face my parents, the sooner the better."

At a loss of what to say, you just nodded. Reaching for your drink you took a big gulp, trying to calm your nerves. It's okay, you can do this. He's just another one of your guests.

You stood up, taking the empty glass in your hand, "Well, I better leave you alone now. I'm sure you've got packing to do."

You almost turned away; until a strong hand gripped your wrist and pulled you back, making you stumble towards Mingyu's body.

"Don't. Stay for a while. I don't want you to leave." His voice was soft yet deep and it immediately broke your resolve as you set the glass down and looked into his eyes.

He didn't let go of your wrist; instead only wrapped his other hand around your waist, pulling you closer, leaving just a few inches between your faces. You didn't tell him to move neither did you make any effort to get away from him- you didn't want to. It felt good, comforting as he held you and looked at you almost like you were his whole world. His eyes had so much emotion swirling in them and you were sure yours looked the same too.

"___?" His voice was breathy and it set your heart aflame.

"Y-yes?"

"Can I...kiss you?"

You inhaled sharply as his hold on you got tighter. You couldn't process a reply, overwhelmed with emotion. So you just nodded and Mingyu leaned in, pressing his lips to yours.

It was soft at first, his lips just resting against yours, as if he was testing the waters. When you didn't resist but only pulled him closer, he started devouring you, his tongue prodding in your wet cavern. Moans espaced from you as you kept pulling at his hair almost grinding on him, desperate for more. He was the same, kissing you with so much passion and vigour like you were the last female standing.

You somehow managed to tug off his cardigan between the kiss and when you pulled apart for air, Mingyu panted, "Can we take this to the bedroom?"

His deep raspy voice spread liquid heat throughout your body and you had to stop yourself from pouncing on him.

"Yes please," you breathed. Mingyu stood up straight, his tall and built body intimidating you in the best ways possible, "Oh baby, you don't have to beg. I'll give you anything you want."

Once again your breath was trapped as he picked you up, his hand under your ass to support you. When he dropped you on his bed and took off his tee you realized you were in for a long night. In the back of your mind, you also realized that this would make it even harder to let him go.

-

Next morning you were the first one to wake up as the sun barely seeped through the blinds. If you had to guess it wasn't any more than six am. Mingyu's hand rested on your waist as he remained snuggled against your back. It was so comforting that you almost forgot your reality and went back to sleep, until you remembered what had happened last night. Before you could start overthinking and possibly had a breakdown right there, you ever so carefully removed his hand from your body and scrawled out of the bed, grabbing your shirt and quickly throwing it on. Then you tiptoped out of his room despite the ache between your legs and rushed straight towards yours.

Slamming the door shut, your sat down, head in your hands. You've to now prepare for saying goodbye. Right, you just need to act casual and not let him know that you might have developed feelings for him in the past week.

His words came back to you.

"Do you have a home?"

You didn't have one until now but the realization that you may have found it brought tears to your eyes.

-

You spent the next hours wallowing in your self pity, curled up in your bed too afraid to get out and face Mingyu. Soonyoung dropped by once, knocking at your door and asking if you want breakfast, which you declined. Time slowly ticked away and you watched as the clock struck eleven. You couldn't stay inside forever. You needed to bid Mingyu a goodbye- that is if he hadn't left already. But you were sure he didn't; he wouldn't just leave without any words.

Sighing, you gathered every last bit of your courage and stepped out of your room. Immediately you saw Mingyu coming out from the opposite end of the corridor, the carry-on he brought with him in his hand.

"Hey, where have you been?" He asked, his steps getting quicker to come and stand in front of you.

"Oh- um, I took and shower and then dozed off, sorry," you lied easily, not meeting his eyes.

There was a beat of silence as you both stood in front of each other and when your eyes finally met his, a blush spread across his face like wildfire. The air was heavy with unsaid words and you coughed, trying to get rid of the terrible awkwardness.

"So, you're leaving now?"

What a nice question.

Mingyu seemed to be lost in thoughts as he snapped back to reality and scratched the back of his head, "Oh yeah, right. It'll be a couple hours drive so the earlier I leave the better."

Nodding you motioned your hand towards the exit, "I'll see you out."

Mingyu seemed to have something to say but he pressed his lips in a thin line and started to climb down the stairs, you behind him. Soonyoung, who was standing at the entrance gave you a conspirational wiggle of his brows but said nothing as he watched you follow Mingyu out.

You observed as Mingyu loaded his bag in the trunk, peeking glances at you every other second. When he finished, you spoke, "Well...good luck. I hope you can overcome your problems."

"Thanks. It won't be easy and my dad will probably take away my shares of the company but...I'm done living like this."

You nodded, smiling softly as you crossed your arms against your chest. It suddenly felt cold.

You both gazed at each other, saying nothing even though you've so much to say, as if the silence would carry your unsaid words to him. You were torn- wanting to talk about last night but chickening out knowing it was probably just a fling, a one night stand for him.

"___..." Mingyu spoke but the words died on his tongue. Not trusting yourself to speak, you swallwed the ball of emotions and looked at him with a curious tilt of head.

"...I hope you find what you really want to do. And I hope you find your home too," he said, his words so soft and gentle. For some reason you had a feeling that those were not the words he wanted to say yet you forced a smile and nodded, "You too, Mingyu."

His eyes swirled with so my emotions but you didn't know what he was thinking. He looked pained, just like you but you were too afraid to speak your feelings, scared that you misread him.

When you spoke no more, Mingyu sighed and backstopped slowly, "Well... goodbye, then."

You managed to choke out the words, "Goodbye."

Your emotions overwhelmed you, tears stinging your eyes as you watched him enter his car. Why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel like your heart was being ripped right out of your chest?

His engine roared to life and your stomach sunk. Was this really the right thing to do? Should you just let him go like this?

You made a split second decision that moment, just as his car moved forward a little.

"Mingyu!" You called after him, immediately making him stop the car. He came out, almost in a hurry, an expectant look on his face as you ran towards him. Then you made another split second decision as you wrapped your arms around his tall frame and held tight.

"I like you, Mingyu. I really like you." You mumbled in his chest.

He didn't say anything back but you felt his arms wrapping around you tightly and you stood there in each others embrace for a while. It felt like time has stopped, the warmth and safety of his arms comforting you and making you realize how you would have regretted if you had let him go.

Mingyu pulled back to take a look at your face, his hand cupping your cheeks, his warm but intense eyes on you, shining with love and adoration.

"Say something," you whispered, still unsure.

He chuckled, a light-hearted, carefree sound that made your heart swoon. "I like you too, if it wasn't obvious after last night."

Elated, you pulled his face down and kissed his lips as you felt him grin and wrap his arms around you once again.

"I want to go with you...to the city," you murmured into his chest as he rested his chin on the top of your head.

You couldn't see it but you felt him smirk, "Good. Because I think I found my home."

Your heart couldn't become fuller as you grinned like a happy child.

"Me too."

A/N 2: If you enjoyed reading don't forget to like and reblog and let me know your thoughts!

© startlightxsvt 2021 | All Rights Reserved. Do not copy, translate, adapt, or repurpose any of my works.

[celestialevie]

Birthday surprise // Niall Horan x singer! Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: none

A/N: Since it's officially my birthday week and Niall's has just passed, I decided to write this very self-indulgent fic (even though I can't sing, but a girl can dream </3). I mostly wrote this for myself because I adore this human with my whole heart. Anyways hope someone will enjoy this fic just as much as I did writing it.

Finishing the first two songs, you chat a little with your fans. Noticing some of the signs they brought with them to get you to notice them, some of them making you laugh, while some of them made your heart clench with love. Sitting down at the piano, starting to play 'champagne problems'. While you were in the happiest relationship to date now, you still had some issues with your past relationships, where you were made the villain and them a victim when in reality it was the literal opposite. Niall was the blessing you were praying for. So what if you were fucked in the head? Niall loved you just the way you were.

Your birthday was coming up, and you were going to spend it while being in one of the cities you absolutely love touring in – Dublin. Although you were heartbroken because this will be the first birthday you were going to celebrate without your boyfriend, Niall. Ever since you've known him, you celebrated both of your birthdays with one another. His tour lead him to being in America during your birthday, which really sucked. You were both bummed out about it, he even offered to reschedule that concert, so he can be with you in Dublin, maybe even visit his family whilst already being in Ireland, you told him no. You didn't want to be selfish just because it's your birthday. Talking on the phone with him right from the moment he was awake (which was already in the afternoon for you). '' It feels weird to not be with you on your birthday, how will I survive without my birthday kisses and hugs from you? '' you ask while pouting. Niall chuckled and mimicked your put. '' I will give you your birthday kisses and hugs as soon as I see you. With extra ones for each day between your birthday and the day we see each other again. I promise. '' he gives you a smile. And you just pout harder. '' I really miss you. I can't wait to see you soon. '' checking the time, you realize it's almost time for you to start getting ready. '' Hey baby, I have to go start getting ready soon. I'll make sure Jenna calls you to FaceTime and shows you at least some concert if you're not busy. I love you and I miss you. '' as you say that, you hang up and quickly text your makeup artist, she can come over. Two minutes later, her and Jenna (your assistant and close friend) are in your dressing room, and you're getting ready. An hour later, you were done with your makeup and hair and all that was left was to put on your outfit. Ten minutes later, you were slowly making your way towards stage. Quickly texting Niall another I love you, and wishing him good luck on his own show later, you were off on the stage, the intro of your song' dress' starting to play as you were brought onto the stage. Let the fun begin.

After champagne problems, one of your favourite songs you wrote was next.

''... Don Perignon you brought it, no crowd of friends applauded

your hometown sceptics called it, champagne problems.''

'' A lot of you might not know, but this next song was inspired after I was done watching the amazing spider-man 2 for the millionth time. My love for Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield is unmatchable. Just ask my boyfriend, who's been hanging out with Tom Holland, how both of them are feeling betrayed by my love for both Amazing Spider-man's movies. This is How you get the girl. '' The intro of the song started playing and so were the screams of people.

Singing two more songs, you go get changed into a different outfit. Going back onto the stage, you're surprised that your manager Anna is standing there with a grin on her face.

'' Stand there like a ghost

Shaking from the rain

She'll open up the door and say 'are you insane?'

Say it's been long six months

And you were too afraid to tell her what you want, want...''

'' Uh-oh, manager is grinning, prepare yourselves guys, it's not going to be good. '' The crowd laughs while Anna rolls her eyes and smiles at you. '' We have a small surprise for you. '' as she says that, she points on the big screen behind you, when you turn around you are surprised to see a familiar face of one of your closest friends, Lewis Capaldi, wishing you a happy birthday and saying you guys need to go clubbing again soon. Laughing as his face fades away and the next one shows up, your very close friend and sometimes co-writer Taylor Swift, again wishing you the happiest birthday and saying how much she adores working with you and that she loves you very much. It went on for a while, all your friends and even your parents were there. Tears were falling down, and you didn't care it ruined your makeup. And then at the end there he was. My favourite face to see. Niall. '' Happiest birthday to you angel. I wish I could be there with you, just like we are always for our birthdays, but unfortunately I am not there to give you all the birthday hugs and wishes. I love you so much angel, keep rocking the world, and I will see you as soon as we can. '' At the end you were full on sobbing happy tears, hugging your manager and your band. The best surprise ever. '' I am very sorry for being a mess so publicly '' wiping your tears and thanking to whoever invented waterproof mascara for being the reason your makeup is not that ruined. '' Anyway, the show must go on, so let's go. '' picking up your acoustic guitar, adjusting it, you announce the song. ''You are in love. Let's go.''

''(...)

As the show is slowly coming to an end, and you're about to play a song that is about your boyfriend, that he inspired you to write. And Taylor helped you co-write it.

Morning, his place

Burnt toast, Sunday

You keep his shirt

He keeps his word

And for once, you let go

Of your fears and your ghosts

One step, not much

But it said enough

You kiss on side walks

You fight and you talk

One night he wakes

Strange look on his face

Pauses, then says

You're my best friend

And you knew what it was

He is in love. ''

'' Sadly, the show is slowly coming to an end. You guys were the absolute best and I adore spending my birthday with you all. This next song is literally one of the most accurate songs I've written about any of my relationship. When I got inspired by my loveliest boyfriend, I had to invite Taylor to help me write it, as we all know she is the lyrics master. Lover is one of my many nicknames I use for Niall, and I know that he's probably watching this or will watch it later, so hi Niall. '' you wave to one of the camera's while the crowd laughs. Gently, you start playing the guitar.

What you didn't know is that your boyfriend is a liar and is actually hiding with your assistant Jenna, waiting to come on the stage to surprise you. Of course, he wouldn't miss your birthday, even if he has to reschedule the concerts. You were absolutely worth it. As he waits for the part of the song he's gonna crash in, Jenna and Anna are making sure you don't accidentally notice Niall before time. The plan is for Anna to quickly distract you on one side while Niall comes out on the other side of the stage.

'' (...)

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)

You're my, my, my, my

Lover '' as you sing that part, you notice Anna waving at you like a maniac, distracting you and mouthing something to you. As you're trying to figure out what is she saying, the crowd starts screaming, and you freeze as the familiar voice starts to sing the next part of the song

''Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand...''

The song soon comes to an end, and you're bringing Niall into another hug. He just smiles and wraps his arms around your waist. '' Happy birthday, angel. I hope you don't mind me crashing. '' You just shake your head while holding him as close as you can. '' You are always welcome to crash my show. The next song is your song anyway, so you might as well stay and sing with me. '' he pulls away and looks at you. '' Let's go finish this show, so I can give you all the birthday kisses and hugs you want. ''

You turn around with your hand on your mouth, as the man himself makes his way towards you. You're in absolute shock because this man is supposed to be in America. He only laughs at your reaction as he pulls you towards him in a tight hug while still singing. Hugging him back, not wanting to let go of him. Slightly pulling away, looking him directly in his beautiful blue eyes while singing.

'' I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover ''

[honey-milk-depresso]

Meanie (Azul Ashengrotto x Reader) 8

Part 1,

part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8 (END)

The final chapter. Congratulations for surviving this long with my bullshit-

“Everyone, please place the flower we have given you in their coffin.”

The sunlight was shining brightly in the early morning of NRC’s campus, 

but no happiness was to be found.

Just yesterday, you have died.

And it took a moment for Azul to realize that you were truly gone.

Everyone in NRC lined up in a single file to pay their final respects to you, one by one placing their flower in your coffin.

When it came to Azul’s turn, he had to hold himself from crying. He felt as if you were watching him. If he cried, you’ll cry too, and he doesn’t want you to fully leave this world with sadness and guilt.

He looked at you. Even if you’re dead, you looked as beautiful as ever.

He grabbed your cold hands, and placed the flower in the middle of your chest, before he gently used your hands to cover the flower, as if you are holding it.

“I love you,” he whispered, “I hope you go to a safe place.” And he walked away.

=============================================================

Azul walked back to Octavinelle with Jade and Floyd. They were silent. Yes, even Floyd stayed quiet.

The atmosphere was solemn.

Azul was solemn.

Never in his life have he came across death, let alone, someone he hold close to.

He used to love before.

He went back to his office alone and tilted his head up. Jade and Floyd went back to their rooms.

He’s not crying. He won’t cry for you.

Read it.

He heard something whisper.

“What..?”

The notebook.

He glanced to his right, the notebook labelled “ To Azul Ashengrotto”.

“Read it after they die,” Trey’s words echoed in his head as he recalls.

He grabbed the book.

To Azul Ashengrotto.

He stared at it, hesitantly flipping to the first page.

“I’m rewriting this from the accounts of Y/n, Azul. She asked for it. I hope you’re reading this.

- Trey Clover”

So Trey wrote this book for you to him.

“Azul and I were chilling at Monstro Lounge in the VIP room.

Lmao, he was soooo unlucky with his pulls, and had to answer all my questions and stuff. Apparently he thinks Idia is more handsome than Jade. Ooh~ 

I really loved the fact he wanted to spend time with me although he looks so done. I really appreciate it!”

He snorted. That was so you.

“Azul and I hanged out at the Rose Kingdom. I’m so glad Headmaster allowed me to hang out with him! Sometimes I feel like Headmaster is a dad. 

I had so much fun! Though, it’s kinda embarrassing that Azul spoilt me with so many gifts, and all I did was drag him around. I love the octopus plushie he won for me. It’s so chubby, soft and cute, just like him! 

He also bought me food from Trey’s awesome family bakery, and a really expensive pendent. I feel guilty, but I love it! It’s so pretty!”

He sighed. Really? Chubby?

“Headmaster told me I’m going to die in five months time. I’m really scared. I know I’ve joked about I feel like dying cuz of Professor Crewel’s homework, now facing with death, it feels really scary.

I have to tell everyone right? Headmaster told me he’ll tell my friends, that includes Azul. How would he feel? I don’t want him to feel sad..”

He flipped to the next page.

“Azul, Jade and Floyd came to visit me. Actually EVERYONE did! Even Leona and Idia! Can you believe it?? But I was so happy that Azul and the tweels came.

I rubbed my eyes so hard because I didn’t want them to see me cry. I was just so happy to see them!”

“Trey told me something. Well, an offered to do something for me. 

He knew I had a superrrr big crush on Azul, and he said I should tell him. I was so embarrassed at first, but I’m going to die soon, so I have to confess sooner or later right? 

He told me he’ll write a whole record of me of what I want to tell him, and then I can give it for him to read after I die.

Sounds like a good idea, but also kind of cruel. After I die????

What should I do?”

So that’s what you were talking about with him.

“I got to be discharged!

FINALLY OH MY SEVENSSSSS-

I CAN GET FRESH AIR BEFORE I DIE

DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING IT IS TO BE CHAINED TO A BED, DOING NOTHING UNTIL SOMEONE COMES TO VISIT???

PROFESSOR TREIN’S CLASS IS WAY BETTER-

Azul brought me around the entire campus, and to Octavinelle! And we played UNO! Although I lost a lot... But I’m happy I got to spend time with him and see everyone outside of the infirmary! ^^”

“I went to NRC’s Halloween Celebration!

IT. WAS. SO. COOL!!

There were like flying decorations and good food,

I got to see NRC become so lively and colorful! It was amazing!

Also I got to hang out with Azul and the tweels, and of course, everyone else!

I even got to be part of all the scaring and stuff at the Octavinelle’s scare house! heheheh~ 

I love the big finale, I wish it could last forever.”

“I made up my mind. 

I’m gonna ask Trey to help me write that book. I want Azul to have a piece of me even when I’m gone. I won’t leave him alone, and I’ll do everything in my power to do so.

If Trey is giving me the opportunity to do so, I’ll take it! Though, I should’ve done it from the beginning..”

“Azul kissed me. 

Oh my shit-

MMM I SHOULDN’T HAVE DRANK THE PLUM WINE HE GAVE ME BEFORE WE KISSED, I PROBABLY SMELT BAD-

BUT HE SAID HE LIKES IT??? WAS IT A GOOD CALL I DON’T KNOW-

But... I’m happy.. I got the courage to confess to him! On top of that, he said yes! I’m so happy I could cry..”

“I’m going to be giving the notebook to Trey. He’s gonna record it all down for me today. 

Azul, I hope you’re reading this. I want you to flip to the back. I asked Trey to attached something really important I want to share with you.”

He flipped to the back. There was a slip of paper folded, stapled to the page. It also held the pendent he bought for you. He grabbed it, and unfolded the paper.

“Azul, 

I’m writing this to you 5 months before I die. Crowley told me to tell everyone about my condition, but I wrote this for you specially.

Remember I told you in that truth or dare game?

“If I told you I was scared to die, what would you do?”

To tell you now, I’m still kind of scared. But I won’t show it! Pretending not being scared isn’t like lying.

Okay, but a practical thing, you could do anything you want with this book.

You can tear it up, throw it away, hide it or even show to everyone! Totally up to you!

I’m gonna be honest with you, I was and still jealous of you.

You were and are the picture perfect honor student of NRC. I haven’t been in NRC as long as you, but I’m just so jealous you manage to be so cool and flawless in everything you do! Well, maybe except for flying..

But still! You were and still are my role model! You always manage to amaze me! But not only that, you treated me like your best friend no matter what position you are! Maybe that’s why I fell for you, you didn’t show biasness towards me to become my friend. I hope you were genuine about our friendship!

But, I like the fact you actually sometimes don’t need other people to reflect about yourself, unlike me. I can’t reflect about me all by myself. If I were like you, maybe I could’ve been able to live entirely by myself, with my own unique worth and responsibilities. Of course, while still being friends with others!

But when it comes to self reflection, you are down to earth with yourself, you speak to yourself, and that’s very independent of you. Ever since you were little you were like that too, and that’s what made you hardworking and diligent!

I’ll end it right here, to tell you I love you. Ehehe~ Sorry it’s so sudden.

I love you, meanie.”

drip.

Pitter, patter, pitter, patter.

Slowly, Azul felt tears rolling down his face.

He broke. Except... that wasn’t true.

He’d been broken when he first heard you were about to die. He just kept strong for you, as you did for him.

He was so glad, he had spent his time with you.

You needed him. You felt like he’d done everything for you.

But now, you’re gone.

It was thanks to you, he never felt insecure about his past anymore. For the first time he met you, his really lived for the first time. He existed in this world.

“Thank you, y/n..” he choked, smiling meekly at your final goodbye letter to him, as he clutched the pendent he gave you.

“I love you so much...”

From Ramshackle dorm, your slightly dusty octopus plushie rest on the side of your pillow.

From far away, he sensed you hugging it, whispering so close to him although so far,

“I love you too, meanie..”

END

============================================================

HO SHIT-

REBLOG IT I FELT MY TEARS I-

Ok I’m joking

thank you for surviving and following with the story. 

Azul loves you. Bye, have a good day!

@magicpumpkin3 don’t kill me pls-