#prob gonna stick with me for a while like god DAMN that hit hard!!! i love these dudes theyre awesome

[watermel0ns-dumb-cringe]

I love getting into the games my friends & family are into because sometimes like I'll watch a video on it then boom

VERY well written game that leaves me pondering some things /vvpos

Like God DAMN do messages hit like a brick sometimes

[ohlukcs]

( alex wolff, male ) did you hear how LUKAS TOZER is applying to columbia university as a FILM & MEDIA STUDIES major ?! the 19 year old is living in the WALLACH HALL. i heard that they got in because they are + PASSIONATE and +THOUGHTFUL, but honestly i think HE can be -ASSUMING and -CYNICAL. they’re a real MAVERICK. oh well, only time will tell if the SOPHOMORE will make it til the end.

about the mun !!

hi hello my name is sam (she/her), im 22, and im a big fat mess at all times :) um but a lil more about me is that i’m australian and a recently graduated film student lmao. i’ve been rping for like ten years now i think idk but i am a NERVOUS BITCH !!!!!!! and it sometimes takes me forever to reply to things (ic and ooc) bc of that so pls be patient with me lmao. anyway, happy 2 be here !! if u like this post i’m gonna assume u wanna plot with me and my idiot and hit u up !!! lets mcfreakin lose it !!!!

about lukas !!

full name: lukas joshua tozer

nickname(s): luk-ass idk whatever u can come up with lmao

age: nineteen

gender: cis male

pronouns: he/him

hometown: jackson, new jersey

date of birth: nov 4th

occupation: student ( film and media studies, sophomore ), cook/server at a nearby 24hr pizza joint

relationship status: single

drink / smoke / drugs: yes / yes / yes

faceclaim: alex wolff

positive traits: passionate, thoughtful, creative, ambitious, untethered, humorous

negative traits: assuming, cynical, insensitive, rebellious, resentful, irresponsible

if he was in a hogwarts house: slytherin

now some more dot points that are just me talking about lukas !!

was born in fort lauderdale florida but there is a vERY low chance he will ever admit that, he’ll just say he’s from new jersey. as far as he’s concerned, he’s always been from new jersey even if his family did move there after he turned twelve

speaking of things lukas probably wont ever tell u but i’m including them anyway: his family is kind of messy. not majorly but like a little bit more than average. he had two brothers, now he only has one. i’m not gonna include a whole lot of nitty gritty here i’ll save it for when i write the real bio and can actually do it justice but its the reason they moved from florida and it has had a pretty major effect on lukas over time obviously

he’s the baby of the family and he’s pretty much always been treated like one. it has left him pretty immature and irresponsible. still learning that his actions have consequences and that he cant just be a total dick all the time. he’s improved in those areas a fair bit since he started at columbia a year ago but he still has a long way to go

he didn’t ever really expect to go to columbia, he’s from a middle class family and his dad didn’t even go to college. he applied for columbia just as a might as well give it a go thing. like maybe it will happen. they had a film course and although the course itself isn’t really great, the connections to the industry available at columbia were valuable enough for him to try. he was wait listed up until basically the last minute, preparing to go to a college in boston instead but when he was accepted he knew he had to go. for himself, for his family, and for his lost brother.

obviously irresponsible attitude has led to some Bad Decision Making including but not limited to partying and drugs. he doesn’t prioritise that lifestyle over his school work (bc he knows how lucky he is to be at columbia at all) but he is a big believer that you need to experience things to be a great artist and he plans on being the greatest artist so bad decision town here we come !!!!

he has a pet goldfish named michael bublé pls dont nark

for more info on him click here to check his about page, no bio there yet but hopefully soon

wanted connections babey !!

course friends/rivals/anything: i am writing these before acceptances happen so i have no good god damn idea if any other characters are film majors but hit me the hell up if they are bc i would love to plot some stuff out

old roommate(s) : lukas was probably an entertaining roommate but probably verged on annoying pretty easily. he’s messy, gross, probably didn’t respect the do ur fucking dishes rule in first year ( probs still doesnt tbh ). but he also has a password to every streaming account plus a phat hard drive full of movies and shows that he is absolutely willing to share with u so just depends what ur into i guess. maybe this connection led to friendship or maybe they hate each other now. im down for either/both 

dealer: hi welcome back to bad decision town. lukas isn’t into any hard stuff but is a big weed smoker (to my understanding medicinal cannabis is allowed but lukas def doesn’t have a prescription), then after that it’s kind of just experimenting. will chat more details if u wanna take this connection

booze leachers: so yes lukas is 19 but he has four, thats right, four fake ids. he is not willing to give u his contact for fake ids but he is willing to buy u booze if u pay him. dont hate the player hate the game

gang gang: pretty much just a close group of friends. i imagine all pretty relaxed, all pretty chill. idk what to say here except i want people to care about him and let him put on dumb movies and watch them with him and probably have dumb matching stick and poke tattoos and hog a communal tv to play mario kart but lets talk about it

fast food workers deserve respect too: as mentioned, lukas works at a 24hr pizza joint near campus which means he’s seen some shit. one of the things he’s seen multiple times is drunk student trashing the place. whether it be vomit, forgetting how to hold a cup, or bet try at a food fight lukas has seen it and he’s cleaned it up too. this connection could be that maybe he helped someone out and cleaned them up and got them back to campus when their friends ditched and now they look out for lukas too and its a positive connection. or maybe lukas hates their guts and spits on their food whenever they show up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who’s to say

hot girl bummer by blackbear: now listen here’s an angsty connection i want, and i def want to plot it out way more with whoever takes it on but basic outline of what i have in mind: they’ve kind of sort of been dating for a while but they’re just falling out of whatever they had to begin with. they were never official, they probs def fucked around with other people while they were ““““together”””””, lots of oh sorry ur taking it so seriously i thought we were just chilling bullshit. all of this girls friends probs hate lukas and he definitely hates them back. were probably once really good friends and had a really good time together but they’ve lost it. will they find it again or will it fizzle out? lets find out together xoxo

new girl(s) : i hate the connection title too but i couldnt think of anything better. we’re in bad decision town and now we’re going to thot street babey. since things have been falling apart with hot girl bummer and even before that lukas a little bit of a thottie. this doesnt mean he’s good at it, please also feel free for a part of this to be that they rejected lukas and he got butt hurt about it idk lukas being attracted to them is basically this whole idea and i would wanna plot the rest of it more depending on specific characters wooo

lukas is a bad influence: if u have gotten this far u may have noticed that lukas is not a very good influence at all. this is someone probs his age or younger that wants to loosen up and have a good time and lukas completely encourages that. bonus points if this connection is a combo with the above connection bc lukas is a gross boi and would be like wow listening to my bad ideas thats so sexy and cool of u ya know. but also doesnt have to be that ! could just be lukas thinks its funny and thinks that someone listening to him is just like good content that could get him on barstool

lukas is badly influenced: this is basic as hell but someone that tells him to leave his impluse control at the door and encourages him to be trash. probs older than him and i def see this as more of a masc connection than a fem but like all my plot ideas: lets talk about it. this one probs v much depends on ur character so gonna leave this one nice and short

lukas is good-ly (??????) influenced: also basic as hell and p much just the opposite of above. someone who is a good influence on lukas. encourages creativity and ambition instead of straight up recklessness. again, i see it as an older character but no gender seen here. a lot of this would be based around ur character so lets chat

michael bublé’s co parents: lukas has a goldfish named michael bublé (or just michael), i picture him having got it while high as heck during the day and just being like This Is A Good Idea. maybe ur character was with him and they were co parents from the start or maybbe they came into the picture later ??? i’m honestly down for whichever just give michael the love he deserves pls

and probably just about anything else these are just some ideas, i totally wanna plot further and brainstorm so please still hmu if none of these fit ur character we’ll plot something up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[boogiewrites]

Who We Were & Who We Are Now 5

Chapter 5

Characters: Forrest Bondurant x Tawny Barrett (OFC)

Word Count: 4600+

Summary: Tawny starts her job at the station. It brings up memories and feelings for both her and Forrest.

Warnings/Tags: Language. Gore? (Does a calf birth need a warning?)

A/N: Memories are in italics!

Positive feedback is MUCH appreciated! Reblogs, likes, asks and comments feed me to write more! Let me know if you’d like tagged in my work.

My Masterlist.

To say you were excited would be an understatement. So would saying you were thankful and relieved. Once again, the Bondurants being your secret saviors, giving you the means to care for Junior and yourself, and knowing you'd have someone with a reputation to protect you. You also weren't lying to yourself that getting to spend time with Forrest every day also made your heart swell and pitter patter for entirely different reasons.

It's like you timed it perfectly, he was unlocking the front door as you pull in.

"Looks like I brought the sun with me." you say with a pleasant soft smile, looking back down the road in the direction you'd come from, sun cresting over the mountains.

"Right on time Miss Tawny." he nods, his voice and grunt particularly deep in the morning.

"If nothing else, I am punctual." you shake your head and smile and raise your shoulders in support of his statement.

"You eat?" he asked with a subtle raise of his brow.

"Oh yeah, I got Junior up and fed and out doin' chores already." you say proudly, smoothing out your navy dress.

He nods and purses his lips in approval.

"I mean he'll prob take a nap while I'm out but long as he gets it done, I'll let him think he's gettin' one over on me." you laugh and make it to the top of the stairs next to him.

This gets a pulled back corner of his mouth in amusement from him, meeting your eyes so you know he means you to see it. Seems you already understood how to handle teenagers. He thought it was pretty damn impressive.

"More importantly have you eaten?" you say, shaking your chin up at him, a single fingertip gently touching his chest in punctuation. His eyes move to it, then back to yours, a smirk clear in them.

"MmmHmm." his eyes shift away, smirk still hanging on hips lips.

"Well then let's get started, shall we?" you say, putting your hands on your hips.

He nods and grunts, you follow him around the station.

You first walk around the property, and it's like stepping into a memory. The barn's still there, now another storage building, more cars than there were, but the place still felt the same. Maybe it was because you were with Forrest again.

He pushes back the door of the barn, motioning you to go on in, holding open the door with the same old brick you used to, it makes you smile. He explains what and where the vegetables and food are kept in, grunting and touching and lightly kicking wooden barrels that sat amongst the bales and farm equipment. Saddles and bridles, tools and leather hang and rest among the huge wooden posts and dusty rafters of the interior of the barn.

You turn and sit on a grouping of hay bales, your hands running lightly over the hay humming to yourself, an amused look on your face. Your expression warms him from the inside out. He knew you were thinking about those nights in the barn reading. He swallows and stands in wait, hands in his pockets, letting you have a moment. He hadn't seen your face this happy since you'd been back and he wasn't about to cut it short.

You thought about the late nights reading in this same spot, but that thought had quickly passed, looking over to a dairy cow in a stall, wasn't the same cow, but the memory makes your cheeks flush as you look over Forrest's masculine frame, simply waiting on you to move forward.

Now knowing what you did about mutations and deformities and why they happen, the memory no longer held any fear for you, but you do remember what happened afterward. ------ You knew Daisy was going to give birth any day now. So you kept going in the barn and checking on her throughout the day, the poor dear seemed distressed, so you stroked and cooed her swollen sides, hoping to ease any of the sweet beasts pain. You'd done all you could, going off to finish your work, the Bondurant parents weren't home and you weren't real sure where the boys were, but you had things to do.

When you come back, she's on her side, mooing and groaning, straining and pushing. You rush over, grabbing the heavy duty apron and tying it around your neck and waist. You slide on your gloves and grab a blanket off the gate. You shush her, the gesture only helping you as you reach in to check how she's coming along.

"Shit." you curse, shaking your head. The calf was breeched. Normally, you'd call for Mr. Bondurant for these sorts of things but you couldn't in this particular situation so you sit and wait, elbows on your bent knees, chewing your cheek and trying to figure out how you were going to get this calf out on your own. You knew if you let this go on too long it'd end very badly and you didn't know how long it had gone on already as you'd been out in the garden for hours. You hop up to grab the straps and chains, pushing over a heavy crate to rest your foot against to try to pull this baby out.

And you try. You try your damnedest. You've got the feet just out, strapping them up like you'd seen done before, you strain and groan just as much as poor Daisy does, and if you don't get this calf out soon you're gonna lose them both and you wouldn't want to be the reason the Bondurants lost their milk supply, and the calf that was supposed to double that eventually. You shout in anger, breath heaving and sweat making your hair stick to your face.

You give it another go, and you get maybe another inch along. You reach back into the cow, and you freeze.

"That ain't right." you whisper to yourself, your eyes going wide and your heart racing. You'd felt a breeched calf before and this wasn't that. You'd swear there were extra parts or something in there. You don't mean to but it makes you panic.

You let out a scared high pitched sound, trying to pull again and this time you scream from the effort.

He's rounding the house when he hears your scream. Dropping the crate he was carrying and running as fast as he could to the sound.

"TAWNY?!" you hear Forrest shout.

"FORREST! HELP ME!" you scream back.

He barrels into the barn, tripping and almost falling as he darts towards you.

"Something ain't right here, Forrest!" you say, your face pale and your voice scared.

He's trying to catch his breath, hands on his knees and bent over.

"Tawny, she's just breeched." he pants.

"Look." you bite, his eyebrows raise high on his face. "I know what a breeched calf feels like and this ain't that." you say with absolute certainty that he buys into fully. He raises and moves to inspect himself, grabbing the other gloves.

"Shit." he says softly, face looking much the same as yours did.

"See! I told you! Somethin' ain't right!" your voice now quieter but even more insistent.

"Sure as hell isn't." he says, brow furrowing and eyes darting around the barn. "Get these gloves off," he barks, yanking the long hard material down and off your hands. "Get the chain, I'll tighten this and we're gonna have to fuckin' pull." he orders.

He squats, foot against a load-bearing beam, you're on your feet, using your body weight to pull, arms overlapped and in total tandem without even meaning to. You both shout and groan and gasp, pulling with all your might. And a haunting sound you'll never forget, a scream from poor Daisy, when the calf, if that's what you could call it, comes out suddenly. You both fall backward, you on top of him, your back to his chest, his back hitting against a stack of crates with a crack.

When you see what you've pulled out your eyes grow to the size of saucers, your mouth drop open, lip trembling in fear. It was completely deformed. Half limbs growing from places they weren't supposed to and a partially inside out body, something you thought might only exist in hell. You gasp and turn immediately towards Forrest, your breathing still heaving, you stare at his chest, twisted in his lap.

"What in God's name is that Forrest?" you whisper, eventually meeting his eyes, but his were the same as yours, full of questions and fear.  

He gulps in response. In his shock he acts without thinking as he moves to protect you, arms pulling you close as you shake. "I don't reckon God had anything to do with this." he rasps out. "That's...I ain't never seen that before." he shakes his head back and forth slowly, eventually he can pull his eyes away from the bad omen and to you. "Are you alright?" he asks, his hand moving to push your hair from your face, moving it towards him.

"Is that my fault? Did I do something wrong? Oh God your daddy's gonna kill me." you whimper out, tears threatening to stream from your wild eyes. He can feel your breathing threatening to move too quickly and he takes your face in his hands.

"This ain't your fault, you hear? You didn't do this." he says, faces inches from yours.

"But I...I was the one that started pullin' I..." your lips shake and more tears fall, and he shushes you again.

"This ain't on you Tawny." he whispers. "Stop cryin'," he says with no demand to his tone, just a soft whisper. You try to end the tension in your body, you gulp and move your eyes back to his. "Please," he sounds desperate and it doesn't go unnoticed to you. You take in a shaky exhale, and rest your chest against his. "I can't stand seein' you cry." he barely gets the words loud enough for you to hear. You're hit with the weight of them.

How many times had he seen you cry? You didn't even know.

Your lashes flutter and you take a deep shaky exhale through pouted lips as he mirrors the action to support it.

"That's my girl, shhh. Ain't no reason to be scared." he says, using his thumbs to wipe away your tears from your flushed face.

"Forrest I-" he feels that tremor in your voice and stops you.

"Shhh."  he shakes his head as his lips pursed. "I ain't gonna let nothin' happen to ya, Tawny. Not never..." you gulp noisly and your eyes move to his pursed lips, far too close to yours. With the mix of teenage hormones, feelings unspoken and the adrenaline from fear and exertion his eyes move down to your mouth as you lick your lips, little puffs of breath escaping in tiny nervous moans. You consider it for just a moment. What would it be like to kiss a boy? What would it be like to kiss him? What would happen if you did?

You wanted to. In your naivety and inexperience, you don't know that he wants desperately to kiss you. But as fate decided, it was not the time for you to kiss Forrest Bondurant. As your head shoots to the side, Howard stomping into the barn after hearing all the commotion, effectively sending you back into a panicked state as you jumped up and darted to him, everything that had happened spilling out.

Forrest exhales loudly, hanging his head for his lack of courage to kiss you. He closes his eyes, back of his head hitting the crate behind him over and over in a reluctant punishment for squandering an opportunity like that. ----- "You remember that demon calf we pulled out together?" you eye narrowed as they move from the cow to him.

If you'd been any closer, and if the streams of sunlight coming through the cracks of the walls of the barn had lit him just right, you would've seen the tiniest of blush come to his face. He clears his throat. A grunt and a nod.

"I remember years later... readin' about birth defects and what not for school..." the corner of your mouth pulls back in recollection of a fond memory. "And finally realizin' what happened in a scientific way..." you shake your head at yourself. "Can't believe some of the wild speculatin' we did as to what happened. Just one simple mistake while it was formin'....can cause all that mess." you shrug and sigh. "Wish I would've known that then." you let out a huff of laugh and standing, dusting off the back of your dress. "Could've saved myself quite a few nightmares." your eyebrows raise and you frown just slightly.

"Old lady Wallace came 'round once word got out about it. Called it a bad omen." he says nodding, eyes on the ground. It wasn't too long after that day that you left. Then him and his parents got sick, then both his parents died. He wasn't typically inclined to believe such things, not now anyway, but he'd be damned if it wasn't one hell of a coincidence.

"I had that thought myself." your frown fades with your nod, you put your hands on your hips as you head back towards the reinforced doorway. You stop and wait for him as he shuts the door back. "Kind've a self-fulfilling prophecy though when you believe that sorta thing, huh?" you turn just your head to follow him as he walked past you.

He nods, his lips pressed in agreement. "That's a right smart way to put it."

"Ain't inclined to think that way much anymore now though." you muse, looking up at the sky while you follow him to the back door of the station. "No use in havin' fear about things you can't understand." you say thoughtfully, shrugging before you clasp your hands together in front of you.

God, he'd missed hearing you pour out all those odd thoughts in your head. And now they were eloquent and informed too. No longer just musing of a girl but wisdom from a woman. He lets a warm expression settle over his face since he was walking ahead of you. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed you. But then again, he hadn't really let himself think about it.

"What about things you do understand?" he retorts, wanting to hear you elaborate.

"Well, there ain't much that scares me nowadays." He hoped that was true. For both of your sake's.

"I've seen you scream over a moth gettin' caught in your hair before." the corner of his mouth pulling back, looking down at you as you pass him to walk into the station.

You stop, narrowed eyes, bright and playfully glaring at him from under your brow. "Yeah and I was just 8 years old." you let out another eye crinkling laugh. "You're still a smart ass I see." you give him a wicked grin, whispering and leaning in closer.

He shrugs his face and shoulders in acknowledgment.

"Can't believe you remember that!" you say with a loud laugh as you sway into the station.

He pulls the door shut behind him, walking down the short hallway and you're already behind the counter, having found an apron and tying it behind your back.

"Now I ain't braggin' but...I do have a good memory."

"Ya ain't gotta be modest on my account, Forrest." your posture straightens. "Speaking of, what should I call you while I'm working? I think I can manage to call ya boss or...Mr. Bondurant or somethin' if that's what ya'd prefer." your face is light and agreeable.

"Forrest's fine, Tawny, don't be silly."

"You got it boss." you say with a firm nod and a grin.

A smile appears on the corners of his lips at you, he grunts and looks away.

"How do ya like your coffee Forrest? I'll get some goin' first then I'll work on throwin' together a stew or somethin'. That alright?" you tilt your head as you fill the coffee pot.

"Black." he nods and blinks. "And sounds like you're back at home already here." he says, tipping his hat to you taking a step back.

"The familiarity doesn't hurt. " you shake your head with a small smile.

"Well I'm gonna be in the office," he says slowly, hand moving towards the open half glass door to the far side of the open space.

"If I get stuck on anything, you mind if I ask ya about it or you want not to be bothered?" your chin moves to your chest. Although he didn't feel it was needed between the two of you, he appreciated your thoughtfulness as to respecting the role of employee and employer.

"Ya ain't gonna bother me by askin' me questions 'bout your work." he meets your eyes, yours wide and his focused. "If I don't need bothered, I'll let ya know beforehand." he gives you a solid nod and you mirror the gesture.

"I'll bring ya coffe in in just a minute." you say as you turn after he does, watching the water start to trickle down.

He grunts and nods, raising a hand in acknowledgment before he saunters his way into the office. ----- "Mornin' Forrest!" you lilt out just like you have every day so far. And damned if the sound of you callin' his name all sweet wasn't the best part about his morning now. And just as every day since your first, you come in with an armful of wildflowers.

"I tried to get a bunch of yellow one's today," you announce proudly, beaming over the armful of blooms. "I thought they'd look really pretty with the blue walls." you say looking into the station before he pulls the door open for you.

"I leave the decoratin' to you, Miss Tawny." he gruffs out and nods. Since you'd started working there, coming in early and leaving late was something you'd done without one complaint. He remembers you not wanting to go home when you were younger, and with what he was assuming the source of that want being cold and dead in the ground, he wasn't sure what was motivating this behavior. Perhaps you really just were as hard of a worker as you always had been.

You had swept, dusted and scrubbed every bit of that place down since you'd been there. It looked like it'd been repainted after you'd gotten done with it. Even the advertisement tins and porcelains outside seemed to glean a little brighter since you'd become a part of the essential functioning of the place.

Howard had certainly loved having you around. He'd been in a better mood the past week than he had in months. He finally had someone to tell all his old glory days stories to that hadn't heard them so much already that they just shut him down before he even got to the good parts. Forrest sat at the table in the back corner a lot. You'd see him with his thinking face on, rough fingertips tapping against the ledger, counting to himself. You kept yourself busy, or rather the customers and maintenance of the place did. You didn't get a lot of chances to catch glances at Forrest, but he had been catching them of you. He'd watch you genuinely laugh at the stories Howard would tell you,  wrinkling your nose and swatting at the air in front of him when he'd get a bit too suggestive, a little too much wiggling of the eyebrows at you. You were certainly a lot more charming than you had been back then, he found it interesting as you wielded a certain power over folks it seemed. An ease to your words and actions now, all confident and sure of yourself. 

The customer's sure loved you. But most were all men so how could they not. You were the picture of perfection in your duties. You'd tend to the old-timers who just sat and drank and played cards all day. Same table, same old men, some old stories every day. They liked having you wait on them a little too much. He'd had to give them the old grunt and glare a few times when he'd hear the conversation turn to "If I were a younger man..." a few times.

You could tone down your accent and mix a real drink for any city folk that found their way in. You'd play it up for the old gosspin' women who liked to ask you one too many personal questions, playing coy and bashful to deter them. You'd brought a new life into the place, a feminine touch that it had sorely needed. And whether he wanted to fully admit it to himself, he needed that in his life too. -- "Here ya go, hun." you say softly, one hand on his shoulder, the other handing him a mug of steaming coffee, untucking the newspaper from under your arm and placing it on the small table next to his chair outside.

As usual, a deep grunt and nod in response.

"You mind if I have a cup out here with ya before I get started today?" you ask. Your voice sounds tired this morning. He'd noticed the change gradually, starting off like a spark plug at first and just slowly, maybe not noticeable to anyone who wasn't studying your behavior, started to get a bit lower every morning of that first week.

"No, go 'head." he says reaching and lifting a small wooden chair and sitting it on the other side of the table.

"Thanks, Forrest." you yawn before you take a sip of your drink.

"I hope you don't mind me askin' ya a personal question, Tawny." you move your face to meet his, eyes open to the invitation.

"No, I don't mind at all." you say softly.

"You...been sleepin' alright?" he asks, eyes narrowing and staying on yours.

Your eyelashes flutter, of course, he'd noticed. Never could hide anything from him, could you? "I.." you begin then stop, looking down at the rough wooden spool on its side that served as a table. You didn't know how to tell him that you felt like a child again when you left there and went home. That sleeping in the room was making you feel crazy. You'd been drinking to help yourself fall asleep at night, the memories just kept creeping into your thoughts. You were ashamed they were still influencing you. You had thought after Cliff died maybe you'd be at peace with the abuse of your childhood but that had been apparently rather stupid of you to think. "I have had trouble sleepin'...yeah." you let out a long sigh.

"I ain't workin' ya too hard or nothin' am I?" the sincerity in his voice warms your heart and he sees the subtle smile appear before you swing your tired eyes up to his.

"No you're not." you weakly shake your head. "I love workin' here. I'd stay here all the time if I could." the corner of your mouth raises before you take another drink.

"That sounds awful familiar Tawny." his voice is lower, almost scolding, but you aren't sure he means it to be. You think he just wants you to know he's serious.

"It feels awfully familiar too." you say, your face falling, looking into your blue and white speckled mug like it held any answers.

"Forgive me if I'm speakin' out of turn but, I know I never asked you 'bout nothin' that went on a home, because it weren't my business. Hell, I guess it still ain't now but...now's different." he pauses. You nod and it catches him off guard. "But it's just you and Junior there now. There ain't nothin'..." he leans in closer to get your attention. "Ya'll ain't havin' no trouble out there or nothin' are ya?" his voice is low again.

Oh your great protector, you swoon to yourself. You let the smile you keep for him show in a shadow of its usual self on your face.

"Nobody is givin' me any trouble, Forrest." you take another sip. "And what fool would with you lookin' after me?" the smile blooms more, and he's so thankful for its full appearance for his sake. --- Instead of his usual morning, he'd been a bit busy today. He'd been busy the night before too, taking care of some unsavory business. So yeah, he was tired and more than a little cranky. What he hadn't counted on was you picking up on it so easily.

"Here ya go, hun." you softly, a big plate of eggs, bacon, toast, and beans is laid in front of him.

His eyes swung up to yours.

"Put that book away before you go cross-eyed and eat somethin' please." you say with assertiveness but not dominance. "You ain't the only one that can tell when one of us ain't slept." you whisper. "You need to eat."

You slide another plate in front of Howard. "Bless you sweetheart." he purrs. You move to stand between them, a hand on each shoulder.

"Ain't nothin'. I figure takin' care of you boys is as much my job as takin' care of the station." you say with no sarcasm, you meant that. "We got anything I should know about on the agenda today?" you inquire sweetly, moving your face to Forrest who was finally sliding the plate in front of him and grabbing a fork.

"Nothing you should know about." he gruffs out.

You rub Forrest back for just a few seconds, a quick back and forth to try to soothe the beast. "Boy you are cranky today aren't you?" you huff out a laugh that Howard mirrors. "Maybe you need to go have a little cat nap at some point today, dear." you say with the same sweet and genuine tone, shaking your head as you move back to the counter.

"She's a real peach, ain't she?" Howard says, stuffing a sausage link into his mouth.

"Mmm." Forrest responds, tearing apart his toast and busting the yolk of his over easy eggs. Exactly how he liked them.

"Sure as hell can cook." he grumbles out between bites.

A grunt and a nod. Another bite of toast as he kept his eyes on the plate.

"And take care of your grumpy ass." he narrows his eyes at his younger brother who returns the expression, another grunt, this time of warning.

"You ain't gonna sit here, and lie to me about how much better this place is with her here, are ya? Hell, I ain't even seen you groan at no one since she's shown back up." Howard always thought Forrest had been sweet on you when ya'll were kids, but he'd never admitted it. Least not to him anyway.

He keeps the same look of warning and groans at Howard.

"Alright smart ass." he rolls his eyes. "But you gotta admit...it feels right...her being here don't it? That ain't just me? Everyone that comes in here seems to like her, that's for sure. Certainly the prettiest thing in here." he says with a quiet huff of a laugh.

"It's like she never shoulda left in the first place." he finally gruffs out.

Howard can hear the bitterness in his brother's voice. A closed mouth smile grows across Howard's face.

"There ya are brother. First steps admittin' there's a problem, ain't it?" he says, giving his arm a solid thud of a smack to be supportive of him at least acknowledging, and finally after all these years, that he thought you should've stayed.

Chapter 6

@hardygal69 @jaegeeeeer @parlezvoustomhardy @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @vale0413 @divadinag

[aquirkynerdytur-port-key]

1/28/19

God why is everything so fucking exhausting

I can’t seem to stay awake no matter now much caffeine I drink or how much sleep I get, and I just want to be able to stay awake and learn and do decent in my classes but I’m fucking stalled in life, everything is continuing around me, if not faster than normal, and im here, all alone but not really alone? I cant even do homework anymore the slight drive I managed to keep from 8th grade until now has burnt out and I cant motivate myself to do the readings or the problems or whatever and im just drowning and cant stay happy, even though im doing things I love. Also like, my friends arent really friends anymore? More like “colleagues”, and everyone else is essentially a stranger.

God I miss Cole

Hes moved on to bigger and better things and probably better friends, we barely talk anymore and im too scared to start up a conversation because it always goes along the lines of:

Hey

Hey

Hru

Im fine, hbu

Uh im gucci lol

And then we stop talking for months on end.

Everything is just falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I cant tell my parents or family, it would be too awkward and they would give “advice” which is just stating the facts.

Recently I’ve been thinking about dying, but like always I come to the conclusion “no thats selfish, you’re a chicken anyway, what if Cole/finley/acey/Ryan needs you tomorrow???” So I dont do it

Tried to learn how to file a complaint to sr Adams today. That was a fun talk.

Maybe questioning my sexuality now? I mean, I dont FEEL anything romantic/sexual to others, but like, I talk about girls a lot and how I would like, tap that and shit like that??? Not sure anymore. Im gonna stick with my feeling over my mentality and thoughts tho… so still identifying as Ace/aro.

Learning ukulele is good, lots of fun, liana Flores is amazing at songwriting and honestly it would be so so SO cool if I could learn how to write decent songs/good chords for one. People say music is essentially poetry, but all of my poems would NOT work whatsoever with any tune or beat or whatever.

Also im really fucking pissed that I have such a shit memory for things that matter.  I can remember the entirety of heathers, BMC, the Hamilton and mean girls soundtrack, countless episodes of DW/Sherlock/Spn, numerous pages from PJO or HP, but cant seem to remember anything valuable for history class. So fucking annoying and stupid.

Guess its getting bad again, my completely undiagnosed, probably nonexistent depression and anxiety.

I hope mr petrocelli is recovering nicely. What a dude.

But yeah I feel like it’s getting bad again. Ive been feeling like im about to throw up for the past month or two, cant seem to feel anything positive for more than a couple minutes, and have been so fatigued that I cant focus on anything.

Fuck man, writing the truth down on here is kinda painful. Like this is probs the 3rd time ive cried while writing this, when ISHOULD be doing homework.

Membean can suck my nonexistent dick. SOOOOOO fucking stupid I hope that I wont have to do it next year because I KNOW most of the words but still get the questions wrong because im given synonyms or I forget how to spell it. Its also EVIDENT I know these words because I use them quite a bit, but NOOOOO I HAVE to do a fucking memorization thing.

I really wish that I could freeze time, because I feel like a damn mirror thats been shattered. The glass shards can still display the image, but it is hard to see. a single hit or amount of stress can cause the shards to collapse and become beyond repair.

Hm, is this like a diary now? This is so damn weird. Who knows 🤷‍♀️ if anyone reads this later on, what’s up lol. Think thats enough for now, sorry to waste your time complaining about some pretty minuscule things…

Shit that was so fucking pathetic, apologizing to someone who probably will never read this anyway. Anyway, hasta la taco, as Asha would say.

Do you think it would be possible to go to the health center and ask for a mental health day or something? I just. Cant do class tomorrow. Just thinking about HOMEWORK (and tomorrow lol) is enough to make me start crying, but the last time I went because of a mental breakdown they told me to stop running away from my problems and to grow up and face it because I wont be able to chicken out in the real world.

[ghostycas]

fuckit im doing my own stadamdrew headcanons

she long n nsfw so she going under the cut 

ok so,

warnings b4 i go -bottom/sub adum top/andwew n stewen being heckin supportive

- adam and andrew fuck first. (lesbihonest…. theyve fucked.) - Adam’s never been w a guy before and he nearly had a panic attack as andrew kisses down his chest so they gotta put on the brakes - (andrews already laying between his legs and his breath is ghosting over adams groin when he mutters “wanna slow down?” but o jesus no adam does not he just can’t really breathe when drew looks at him like that) - adams eyes r bigger than ever and srsly they’re gonna fall out if he doesn’t relax so andrew grabs his hand and puts it on his head - he pushes at adams fingers until he grips into drew’s hair and drew looks up and says “you’re in control” - andrew goes down on him and adams tight grip on his locks turns soft and petting within seconds - he pants so prettily and guilds andrews head just how he likes it and andrew sticks his tongue out so nicely as adam cries and cums onto it and cries some more - when they’re back at the same eye level he offers but drew shakes him off since he can barely move. instead adam sinks his hands into drew’s hair again and apologizes a hundred times over for dumb things until drew smacks him away and turns him over and forces him to spoon w him

- andrew n steven r next. ovi. - they’re in a hotel room, buzzed and full of whatever they’ve been binging on lately, and it’s just a mess - they’re giggling like kids cuz they’re trying to mess around but andrews still got one shoe on and it’s really funny for some reason - steven nearly falls over trying to get outta his tight pants and andrew has to grab at him and they’re both laughing messes - once they’re finally laying down half naked andrew has to pine stevens face between his hands to get him to stop laughing and focus on kissing him and steven just melts into goo between his hands, reaching up to grip them and hold them and tangle they’re fingers together - they don’t wanna go all the way just yet but andrew keeps sticking fingers in stevens mouth n it’s really hot and steven has to say “u betta stop unless u gonna put those somewhere” - …. he puts them somewhere - stevens hand is pressing their cocks together and andrews hands are fumbling downstairs and steven can’t even think let alone see straight - andrew comes first bc steven writhing and twisting on his fingers is really hot and he looks down to see they’re cocks in his little hand and he just tucks his face into his shoulder and looses it - it wouldn’t take much more but a lil bit of sweet talk speeds it up hella - “do you need more? you want another? c’mon sweetheart c’mon honey cum for me steven c’mon baby” - yup! that’ll do it!

- then they’re in a hotel room. vegas maybe?? it’s just the three of them so they just got one double queen room for the night (since they’re blowing hundreds of dollars on food) - steven and adam are pretty much drunk, stevens dumbly hanging off his shoulder as they walk from the elevator to their room - andrew isn’t like drunk but he’s feeling good™️ yah know - adam and steven collapse on the one bed and stevens obviously cuddling all up in his aaarea. - andrew is giggly and is like /hey,, lemme get in on that,,,/ - and steven literally screams as he pulls andrew on top of them and now they’re just wrestling - they land w andrew tucked sideways into adams chest & under adams arm and steven on top of both of them w his arms wide over them mumbling about his boys, his pals, his boys - adam and andrew make awkward eye conact but adam just smiles and presses his nose into his hair - stevens face is already against adams collarbone and he’s like …. “would it be weird if i gave u a hickey rn” - andrews like… yes (cuz he doesn’t know… yah know… he’s trying to be protecting both his boys) but adam just laughs and is like “go for it man” - andrew like looses his shit like, legs flailing laughing - but he calms rIGHT the FUCK down when steven actually does it………. - steven laughs and is like “is weird w the beard…” but he must find a spot he likes cuz he’s like, kissing up adams neck like right in front of andrew - and adam is still giggly but he’s got a soft hand petting over stevens hair as he marks him up and yah uh andrew’s kiiiinda hard

- it takes them a second to realize what’s going on (“having fun there steven??”) but uhhhhh - so andrew kisses adam and then playfully licks at steven and they kinda know what’s going on - (lucky adams a little drunk (still able to fully consent ok this is allll fine) because if he was fully sober and had t w o boys on him he would probably be crying) - and steven playfully kisses andrew and they’re both kinda laying on adam and andrew (stupidly) goes “yah uhh i’ve had sex w both of u xD xD!!!” - and steven and adam make weird eye contact and then steven just like, hits andrew in the shoulder and goes “why did u get to have sex w adam first??!!” - “dude he came onto me!!!” - “totally not fair” - “you can have ur turn!!!” - and then shit goes kinda quiet, aaaaaand steven starts pushing at adams shirt until it comes off somehow and now adam and steven are rolling around licking and nipping at each others chests and honestly the zipper in these jeans AINT gonna make it if andrew don’t do something - adams laughing and holding stevens head at a safe distance to keep him from attacking his chest and muttering something about how he’s sooo cute and whatever - andrew interrupts by trying to kiss adam, and when he gets a good angle adam like melts back into the bed with steven falling between them so andrew, a problem solver, crawls on top of adam to kiss him until he’s jelly - “r we…. r we doing this?” says steven from his spot on the bed - andrew breaks apart to giggle. “i’m in.” - adam is literally starry eyed. like he’s got one arm hooked under steven holding him close and one hand on andrews thigh - steven is staring at him and oh jeez don’t embarrass ur self bianchi - *shifty eyes…* “…can i bottom?” - ok and andrew literally goes into cardiac arrest like (the hc can end here if you’d like. adam just just killed andrew gn!) - steven smiles like the damn sun and is like “yes bitch ask for what u want!! respect!!” (but no really he just like makes out w him for a second while andrew is literally still dying in the background) - drew’s got a hand around his zipper signifying that he plans to top adam (hooolllyyy sh#t) - “steven?” asks cuz he doesn’t really know how to do this w three people - steven sees that he’s literally one second away from already fuckimg adam and he’s like “yes. do it.” - and now they’re naked - and someone for some reason brought supplies and steven is kissing adam and adams jerking him off and andrew is stretching adam and it sounds like a mess looks like a mess but feels fucking incredible because there’s like… trust and love and gentle gentle hands and everyone is feeling good - steven gets close to adams head (adams on his back, andrew on his knees between his legs) petting thru his hair and holding andrews hand and lives vicariously thru BOTH of them as andrew sliiides home - adam maybe cries - (its bc steven is kissing him and andrew is holding him and they’re smiling at eachother and /his boys his boys his boys/) - andrew pets back his hair and shushes him and presses his mouth to his forehead and his mouth and his throat and adam tries to keep breathing - steven is … the worst bc he’s so into this (it’s like… porn right in front of u… and it’s real and emotional and he can touch them oh my god) and he’s like “c’mon drew, give it to him, c’mon he needs it” - adam can’t even understand what he’s saying but he agrees! - “c’mon drew, give our boy what he wants cmon” and jfc andrew is gonna blow if he doesn’t shut him up so he grabs him and kisses him good and holds him and feels him up cuz he can!!! - he wraps a hand around stevens cock and lays him down beside adam. he thrusts into adam as he jerks up and pulls out as he jerks down and adam is right in his ear panting and crying “ohhhmhgoddstehhhsteven o oh m my g g ooooahh” w every thrust and ok! that’s it for mr lim cheque please! - he’s hold onto andrews arm as he cums and crying into adams neck and holy shit - andrew gives him a sweet kiss before turning back to adam and adam can feel his intentions in the swell of his cock and ok! he’s ready - “c’mon drew. fuck me.” … n u don’t gotta tell him twice ok - the next like two minutes is adam holding andrew around the shoulders and grabbing his back and completely blissed out. andrew n steven are saying something and he thinks he’s saying something ? but he really can’t hear over the blood in his ears - steven catching his breath, but he’s reached down and is gently jerking adam off since he prob can’t cum from cock alone (he prob can) and really just wants his hands on them - andrews whispering “i’m gunna cum oh my god” - “hows it feel” steven asks breathily - “oh my god. steven. steven.” - “it’s ok baby we got u” - and now andrew is sputtering their names and adam is actually just muttering a string of “yes” and “more” but he’s on totally on a different planet - “i’m gonna come” andrew’s muttering “ohh my god” - “oh my god!” adam yells, turning his face into stevens neck “i’m gonna come i’m gonna” suddenly out of his sub drop - steven doesn’t even know what to say as andrew pulls out and comes on adams hip and adams hand replaces stevens and he comes on his stomach - adams eyes r clear now and he’s like woooooowie cloud 9 but could probably use an inhaler - andrew thinks he could faint right here but instead he pushes his face to where theirs r close and just whispers “jesus christ i love you two” and - well that’s the end of that - (jk they clean up and snuggle and it’s sweet but they’re covered in marks and they’ve gotta film tomorrrow and NO ONE BROUGHT A TURTLE NECK)

like? Kudos it here :)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

[laystudio]

hi! im that anon that asked for a tutorial and you said something specific and i really liked your harvey dent edit? the one that said, god is dead. and it was all red and stuff and super cool looking? no pressure! i just think your stuff is really cool and was wondering what the process behind some of it was!

ofc! it’s no problem at all :)

so i’ll just give a brief rundown and a v rough tutorial on how i made those particular graphics. thank u so much for the support, i’m especially proud of them too and it’s nice to hear u like them as well!

what you’ll need:

photoshop cc 2015.5 but any ps would do really

basic knowledge of photoshop

patience

fonts: dk shaken not stirred, liquido, couture, helvetica, helvetica neue, votu

so the first graphic is a really stupid move and i just realized it like hours after i posted it: it’s one of two graphics that feature a fanart instead of a faceclaim. looking at it as a whole, cohesive set it looks really stupid and surreal? bc it doesn’t match and just throws u off? so my advice is don’t do that. if ur gonna edit from an actual comic then the rest should be like that too (2D) but if ur gonna edit with real life elements i suggest to just stick to that path (3D) so that everything looks coordinated and neat :)

the second one actually took me a while to get right but basically the red circle is in [linear light] and the black circle is in [hard light] mode while the top most white is in [normal]. the paper texture is above all three layers and is on [multiply] mode so it only looks visible on the white circle. the “angels” text is just some basic layer mask so it looks like it’s inside the white circle. as for the style of the graphic itself it’s just based on the previous harvey graphic i did here, the last one on the left. the thing with that is i look for inspiration from other graphics i find and there’s a lot on behance, flickr and even pinterest. just search for ‘graphic designs’ and you’ll find a lot of good ones. u don’t have to copy them exactly but u can adopt and transform it into something urs! but if imitating some designs and tricks is what helps, then it’s fine too. nobody is born an innate artist/designer/whatever so just explore and experiment with what u know and what u want to see. eventually, u’ll be able to develop ur own style.

the third one is basically the same as the second and fairly straightforward. the big, red 2 is set to [darken] mode. i guess with this graphic it’s mostly abt negative space??? and also maybe laziness but negative space is good so that overall, ur graphic set wouldn’t look too cluttered. it helps the eyes breathe i think.  also the main focus is the faceclaim, and since the graphics above and below it is already optically centered, it’s at the rightmost side for asymmetry. just a thought.

ok i’ll be real this is one of my faves bc it just looks so harvey i couldn’t believe my eyes when i saw that hand. i just cut it and applied a gradient map of white and light red i believe so it looks like it’s sketched out or smthng. it looks just like harvey’s burned hand but bc i’m an idiot i forgot to flip the canvas so that it would look like his left instead of his right hand. to this day i regret this mistake. if u look close enough the coin has harvey’s face on it too. damn i love him. but moving on, the lines are made with the pen tool. the pen tool can be a hit or miss thing to use and i just recently learned how to use it properly but it’s v convenient once u got around it! it’s like a sophisticated brush tool if u want to incorporate more lines in ur stuff. u can also use it to cut stuff out (like with the quick selection and magic wand tool) but i don’t do that method often so probs don’t listen to me. i only have a v basic knowledge on it but there’s a yt video tutorial on how to properly use the pen tool if ur interested.

this fifth one is very….. meh. theoretically, it could’ve been better but since i’m the Worst in practice it ended up like that. the design is p much those adidas ads with the many dots? sorry for the plagiarism, adidas, but i don’t make money off of this. so when in doubt just slap some geometry on ur edit and ur good to go. i go for circles bc they’re more aesthetically flexible, if that makes sense? i find rectangles cool but they tend to look out of place in something so vertical; it leaves little space for words and other elements. but polygons look better on horizontal canvases so u can try that too!

the last and definitely least is the most ‘meh’ out of the bunch bc i literally stopped caring abt 2/3 into this thing. the thought that comes to mind is: time magazine cover nov2017 so what does that say abt it really. the text is naturally like that thanks to the font: liquido with a wave-like option if ur into that kind of stuff. some layer masks too to get the effect of the text being inside the harvey art. it looks so dumb now wtf i’m an idiot. but hey, 2 harveys. i’m a visual genius in that respect. again, some gradient maps and a red rectangle border. tip: u should most definitely add a contrasting color or accent in ur graphics, which i once again failed to do here. in this case it’s black since the color palette is red, white and black. it adds a depth to ur work. if ur skilled enough, u can use a wider range of color palettes instead of the usual black, white, [random color]. i, myself, haven’t mastered that yet so that’s what i usually use but one extremely prolific graphic maker who has a good eye for these colors is user mattelektras. u can check out her stuff and see how she uses complementary colors in her edits.

some other things to note:

if u need a paragraph-like text for filler, u can go to type > paste lorem ipsum then adjust the font size to ur liking (somewhere around 0.8pt for maximum unreadability)

it’s good to pay attention to colors and spaces in ur works! the color wheel is ur friend in this trying time

smart sharpen always and forever (at abt 65-130 depending on ur image size)

this got lengthy but i hope i was able to help! i know it’s not that detailed but if u have anymore questions don’t hesitate to ask :) i’m not bothered at all so don’t worry abt it. happy designing!

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW35

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week with both of us on Bench Boost!

And apologies for the late as fuck Lambs there wasn’t anything I can do but I still <3 y’all - Alon

WALSH - BENCH BOOST

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Deeney

IN: Gray

Ultimately I decided that I don't think a hit was worth it here with so few gameweeks to go to get Wilf and give me a benching headache for the remainder of the season. I considered Ings but remembered that every time I get Dings in it ends in a complete fuckery of fucks. Not really trying to experience that again. Gray is kinda shit but they play Huddersfield this double so I'm just hoping he plays and if he plays he should get something. Not overthinking it, really, and just getting Deeney's straight swap replacement. We'll see how it goes.

GK:

Ederson (TOT, mun) & Foster (hud, SOU)

Eddy and Foster. Obviously the City fixtures aren't "great" but they are still City and can clean anyone. Seems fine. If Foster can not make ridiculous howlers for their next two games I would be greatly appreciative to the man. Couple of reasonable fixtures, although I don't really expect a clean against Soton he's gotta get that one at Huddy to give me a nice return this DGW. Feels like a good guy to have.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold, van Dijk, & Robertson (car)

Triple Livp defense are in at Cardiff as my only single gameweekers this weekend. Trent, VVD, and Robbo travel to Wales and will prob get me like 50 points since they are boss and Cardiff are cack. Get in there my sons.

Kolasinac (CRY, wol)

I'm sticking with Kola although I, as usual, have no idea what Emery is doing / thinking. Really not much to go off here and just hoping he starts the home game. Whatever.

Duffy (wol, tot)

Last guy is Duffman. Meh. Glad I only have 1 BHA player instead of 3 like everyone else and their dog. I wouldn't be stunned if they cleaned Wolves since Wolves suck and fuck Wolves so who knows. Stranger things have happened. At least he's got some goal threat and stuff.

MID:

Eriksen & Son (mci, BHA)

Eriksen and Suon are looking pretty okay for the double. Suon starting both seems a lot more likely since he's banned for their UCL game so that's a nice thing. Eriksen will prob do fuck all against City like normal but the BHA game is a good one for him against the bus.

Sterling (TOT, mun)

Raz is in and looking primed to fuck. He's in great form and with them out of UCL should not be rested for any of their remaining league games. "should"...lol. Pep will prob drop him tomorrow.

Doucouré (hud, SOU)

Doucoure rogue guy in there who I am kinda very excited for in the double. I think both games are fruitful for him as they get Huddy who are Huddy and then have Soton at home where I feel like he'll have some ability to get in there. Love him.

Redmond (new, wat)

Last and certainly not least is Redderz the god and legend. Couple tricky away ties but he's off a brace and Soton are looking good these days. Hopefully he keeps it up and gets me some more points.

FWD:

Agüero (TOT, mun)

Kun is Kun. Again, the loss to Spuds in UCL is a big game for the City players for their league games.

Llorente (mci, BHA)

Llorenthe the dickgoal god looks a man reborn after putting the Spuds into the UCL semis what a guy. Not sure if he'll start the City game but I don't really care that much. The BHA game is a good one for him and he feels like a good play this gameweek.

Gray (hud, SOU)

Finally, new guy Gray is in for their couple of plum ties. Don't really rate him and not really sure if he'll start / what he'll do / what he's up to / what he's about but I'm going to find out.

CAP:

Agüero (TOT, mun)

Really rough one this GW and really don't have a huge conviction on anyone. When that is the case, I am happy to default onto Kun. He's good and City are good. Dunno if Jesus will get a game...but I also don't know if Raz will play both so...ya. Hoping that VAR gets City a lot of pens this GW. That's how it works, right? I think Raz is a fine cap option as well but I'm going to just back Kunnyboy to bang in the run in.

ALON - BENCH BOOST

TRANSFERS:

Yolo. And fuck it.

OUT (lol): Heaton, Rondón, Barnes, Lejeune, Daniels

IN (for -16 points): Gunn, Llorente, Jiménez, Cathcart, Bednarek

I want to fully disclaim that nobody should see this and be like wow great idea and take a 9 million points hit.. it’s dumb as fuck. But alas, I’m also dumb, and it’s the end of a nightmare season for me so I’m just fucking it all to hell and trying to have fun the hard way. It’ll soon stop being fun, and it’ll soon turn to darkness, but for now, this little window of time when I can sleep and hope and dream, I will be high as a kite on points hits and imagine that anything can happen.

GK:

Gunn (new, wat) & Guaita (ars)

Gunn feels like a pretty good guy for this double even though two tough aways, I’ve really liked the look of Southampton and hopefully he can get some save points and one clean... Guaita on the other hand with a horrendous fixture but ya never know...

DEF:

Matip & Alexander-Arnold (car)

Starting to get a little worried about Matip’s place now that Joemez actually played some real minutes, that said, I don’t think he deserves to be fucked off to hell because Liverpool have been beyond fantastic with Matip in the side and he’s mostly playing well so I think you just keep it going here. Also Cardiff will be super up for it and physical and Matip is terrific in the air while Joemez off of long-term mega-injury for away Cardiff who have a real chance of avoiding relegation, is that really the type of lion’s den you want to throw him into? Surely not.. right?

Vertonghen (mci, BHA)

Away City is a fuck but home Brighton should be a straight forward clean for Spurs. Brighton are terrible.

Cathcart (hud, SOU)

Walsh with all the lols on the pod probably cursed this pick of Cathcart but whatever he’s Craig Cathcart he does what he wants. Huge haul coming in.

Bednarek (new, wat)

Double Soton defense in two aways what am I doing? Couldn’t tell ya.

MID:

Salah (car)

King.

Sterling (TOT, mun)

Raz is fucking flying at the moment. Hopefully Mendy keeps starting and/or Sané so that Raz can play on the right and score a million more goals. But it’s Pep... Soooo Raz will probably start at DM with Gundo at false 9.

Son (mci, BHA)

Sonny boy is a man possessed when Kane is out of the lineup. Tasked with doing all the running, all the shooting, all the goal-scoring, and he’s fucking up to it. What a lovely guy.

Ward-Prowse (new, wat)

JWP been quiet lately, just in time for everyone to forget about him  and the hauls to come in right here right now. I’m just waiting for FKs to be won so he can put’em top bins.

McNeil (che)

McNeil is great. Obviously bad fixture but McNeil is just a great boy and I love him.

FWD:

Agüero (TOT, mun)

Kun’s great. What else to say here? Nothing that I can see.

Llorente (mci, BHA)

Get in Fernando. Savior, legend, hero, whatever. Lanky donkey fuck. Kinda love him. He’s got a very bright end of season ahead of him.

Jiménez (BHA, ARS)

My first time owning Raul this season. Lol @ me. What a marker of my terrible season he is... Fantastic player with fantastic fixtures.

CAP:

Son (mci, BHA)

Capping Jim is just so fucking boring. I’m on a -16 might as well have some damn fun. I talked myself out of City while bantzing back and forth with friend of the pod James (City supporter) on slack and whatever fuck City I’m a Liverpool supporter... City’re mentally weak and about to have a huge wobble and Pep is still gonna rotate because Pep is gonna Pep is gonna Pep....... I simultaneously talked myself into Son right now as I’m typing this. Son is in just as good as form as Raz and he becomes an FPL god when Kane is out. Son fresh off a brace where he looked great vs. City gets City again full of confidence and then gets home Brighton too I kinda love it... Fucking yolo. Live by the Son, die by the Son.

[s3venpounds]

1-102

102 questions? damn thats gonna be tough my guy but aight

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

i do. at least, i trust in them enough to not take the phrase lightly.

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

considering im 22 thats not that huge of a gap, considering some people have like a 10 year difference. so yeah i guess

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

pretty recently actually, went to a birthday party of an acquaintance and i didn’t really enjoy myself til i went to sing karaoke but my drunk friend was being hella annoying at the same time

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i do that on the daily so yeah

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i mean probably, humans can’t do ANYTHING without having both a positive and negative influence

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah Spire- Reverie( feat FAWNA) that song was sent by said friend that i got reminded of =]

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

red plaid boyfriend style shirt, pepperoni pizza print socks, superman boxers and some athletic shorts with my highschools logo and colors 

8. How often do you listen to music?

whenever im not talking to someone, playing games, or in a serious atmosphere

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

sweats after wearing sweats style pants for so long its hard to go back to my skinny jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

considering its 2017 and literally nothing happened in 2013 but my graduation then no

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

both? i think im one of those things you call an ambivert.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? 

yeah and he was way too timid about it man like ‘s just a kiss

13. What about ‘R’?

nope all my friends with an r name arent close enough for me to try that shit

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

nope would love to learn though

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

yep. mostly so i know where to tweak my personality so i can improve as a person i guess but yeah i tend to get paranoid

16. Are you going out of town soon?

not to my knowledge no, but it wouldnt be the first time my parents pull out “surprise” plane tickets to go somewhere i didn’t want to and on such short notice

17. When was the last time you cried?

mmmmmm can’t remember, so its not in the past 6 months or so

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, went downhill afterwards

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

blue or purple if possible thatd be dope

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

no not really

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

how hungry i am and the lack of food

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

considering im not gay or at least not confirmed yet, no. 

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

dunno, not even sure where we stand

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a folded up blanket and an old office chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

its not everyday but when i say i love them they say it back so thats nice

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep, multiple times. but yknow oh well right? i would rather something be left where it is than go through an extra excruciating chapter of hurt just because i fell in love with someone i barely knew

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

A.T

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

nope infact the last time i got sick was 2 years ago i believe

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

blue notes, it was on sale and it WAS really soft not its just eh soft

30. Does anyone hate you?

HAHAHHAA yeah. one of my friends confirmed it too still do i think

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

why would i hide them.. these questions were clearly made for someone under 18 and i apologize for reblogging without reading them

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

FUCK.NO.FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WATCH THEM AND FUCK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM NEAR ME

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah sounds like too much maitenence

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

my first year. erase my existence. nah im kidding i would probs delete last year or the year before that anywhere in that time frame

35. Did you have a dream last night?

nope sadly =[

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

the day before yesterday we were both v sleepy after movie night

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

nope. marriage is an annoying thing and until i find someone worth all that struggle not gonna happen. but ive got a good feeling about this one

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

considering they said i love you yeah i would hope so

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

that same person also said this a few days ago so yeah i think so

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yeah found some old classic songs and got my body groovin that night

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

nope 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

nope

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

no… and now i feel a little sad

44. What’s the best part about school?

when all ur friends did something amazing yesterday and they talk about it with u all excited and shit

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

yep , some are really cringe worthy 

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

nope i just texted notes were too hard to pass without getting caught

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yeah a lot to the point im almost there

48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

yeah a little

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

chores, usual adult things, maybe cooking

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

nah i dont hate him, maybe not on the best terms with em but yeah

52. Are you nice to everyone?

nope there are some people that just rub me the wrong way

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah 100%

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

are you serious? 6 months? thats so short, how the hell anyone falters at that point? i expect people to start cheating ATLEAST at the 1 year mark 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

not very to be honest. i wear my heart on my sleeve as a friend says.

56. Do you think you like someone?

yeah i think i do

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

no…….?

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

boys are fun for mindless fun but girls are more for sentimental stuff. both are equally nice to be around

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yeah tequila is a bitch

60. Do you hate anyone?

yep! same person who hates me!

61. How’s your heart?

like spiritually or like physically. havent gotten a medical check up so dunno, and spiritually? its being taken care of so thats nice

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yep! and i refuse to talk about it =]

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

nope never

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

person who hates me HEH maybe even my best friend but in an endearing way like “ this fucking bitch decided to snort fucking fundip hes my friend but god damn hes a fucking dumbass”

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

nope i wouldnt mind painting em tho

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

probably i make a lot of them

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

they better not. youre a shitty person for pushing someone to that point. 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

yeah, sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident, sometimes cuz i wanted to

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A.T

70. How do you look right now?

like shite mate i havent showered yet

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah Justin HEH

72. Can you commit to one person?

i damn hope so otherwise life is gonna be hella lonely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

yeah! 

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yep. multiple times too

75. Did you wake up cranky?

nope woke up horny. thats what happens with morning wood

76. Are you a jealous person?

yeah, the more amazing someone is the more jealous i get

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i wanna say yes so yall dont shy away from them but like real talk its fucking aggravating, a lot of work, and tiring sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is glossing over shit or hasn’t seen the whole spectrum yet

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yeah about 98% done too

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

yeah 

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

the same tiring shit as everyday pinky try and take over the world

81. Last person you cried in front of?

justin

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Azley.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

considering they stayed up with me while i was hitting an emotional low yeah i would think so

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

cuddling, probably freaking out that we’re physically right in front of each other

85. Are you over your past?

nah, i like my past as shitty, cringy and heartbreaking as it is i love it

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah isnt that how relationships happen….?

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

yeah justin

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

yeah i’d accept it, then close the door.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

yeah cuz its fucking cold outside my dood, here lemme get some tea or some shit youre probs freezing

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

honestly yeah i once had this really spotty conversation with a girl literally everyone in the school hated at the time. then i realized wow, im just horny and have no substantial feelings for this person and if i do go through with this i will regret it

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

i dont know i dont like to think very far

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah he grew out his hair like that annoying french kid in the will smith movie hitchcock that kept calling him  le petite asshole

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope 

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

nope HAH

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

considering the last person was my brother fuck no. hes ugly as all hell

97. Who do you have texts from?

uhh, my brother, my best friend, my brother in law, my phone company, and a close friend

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i would cheer em on while i get fetch the crown royal hidden in the back of the pantry

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah not that much different from anyone else really

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? 

no one unless you mean the person who took the photo then my cousin

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

no, and i dont plan to now. i hate them.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yes.

overall this shit has gotten my mood a little low so if yall excuse me im gonna mentally drown in music

[fanwarriorsunite4life]

So my bad anon, I totally ended up screwing up your ask and shiz by accident but i promise i got it- you wanted me to answer all questions so you got it:

lets get personal.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Its been varying a SHIT ton over the last two months especially, but ATM i currently love:

Body on Fire by Maggie Rose

Too Many Love Songs by Maggie Rose (notice a trend?)

B-A-B-Y by Carla Thomas

I Don’t Believe You - Pink

Life of the Party - All Time Low

Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

um, all the people I’m gonna meet at ClexaCon in April! Celebs, other fans, and all! IM SO EXCITED ITS GONNA BE THE BEST FUCKING WEEKEND.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

There isnt a book next to me? theres random magazines on the kitchen table. page 23 is an add for Poise Impressa bladder leakage shit lol

4: What do you think about most?

I kinda really want to plead the fifth on this, but probably two things: how I want to make my work ethic better and make a better difference and how I dont feel I can do that until I get my personal shit together. And how I really want a certain someone to be at my side while I do that so I can be on theirs too. guess thats 3.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

From my lil sis: “Okay, np”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

lmao it depends. If im really exhausted, then i may sleep without a shirt. If im with a SO then I will sleep naked, but I dont ever do that myself unless I’m just that hungover or something. So clothes it is. 

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I honestly dont know lol. erm... let me get back to you on that. Does it count if my left leg is wayyy more flexible than my right? dont ask me why. i have no clue 

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are a gift to the world. boys are a gift to the world. 

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I am aware of. Fun (not fun) fact: I’m way more afraid of not being spoken of than being spoken of poorly. idk man. if anyone has written a poem or song about me, plz feel free to share

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

holy shit, i have no clue. usually im more of an air drums person. in that case, yesterday. 

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I HATE SPUDS ON POTATOES SPUDDY POTATOES SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME DONT PLAY 

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

not that i reminder? maybe a coin or something as a kid? its very possible.

13: What’s your religion?

if i identified with anything, it would be an agnostic universalist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

hanging out with friends and family

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind, but i do have a secret desire to be in front of it. my insecurities currently outweigh my ego in putting myself in front of it, but if someone asked me to do it, i prob would. people just dont ask.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Halestorm. Without a doubt.

17: What was the last lie you told?

oh god. I probably told one while canvassing today. I said i donated to one of the organizations that i represent but i dont. oops. did it to convince people that they are good orgs to donate too (in my defence, they ARE and they are wonderful orgs, i just dont have the money to donate)

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, but i dont really use karma for consistent rationalization

19: What does your URL mean?

WE ARE ALL FAN WARRIORS OF OUR OWN FANDOMS AND WE SHOULD ALL FUCKING UNITE IN OUR AWESOMENESS

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Greatest weakness? I’m loyal to a fault and will fight for what I want till the bitter end. I’m recently admitting that I have the martyr complex, im pretty sure. Strength? You get me passionate about something, you gain my love, then I’m all in. I’ll work my ass off for whatever that is. 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Kat barrell and Natasha Negovanlis, as of rn. but i love so many others

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i dont. i bottle it up and try to avoid it. I’ve been trying to go to the gym tho; that helps when i actually do it. writing helps too, when i do it. Definitely need to find a better way to deal with my emotions. its harder to find time during adult life mayn.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

comics, poetry books, my own writings, quarter collection... probably something else im not thinking of

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

FACETIME IS WHERE ITS AT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes and no. 

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Sound I hate? loud city noises, particularly construction shit. Love? ... I hate myself, but the sound of people I love telling me they love me too. SHUTUP ITS A SOUND I SAID NOTHING WHAT

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

Usually its “What if I didn’t fuck up?” or “What if I was reincarnated into something?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I wanna believe in ghosts but i cant say i do. Aliens: hell yeah.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right - kitchen towel and my ECU bag and keys. Left - magazine and table

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

my house’s normal smell. and food i just ate.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

My own mind at its worst. Or, physical place, probably a mental hospital.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

I cant say; I’ve never been West. So East for now until I see the West.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

I like never think about this. um. Zayn is cute?

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Finding a reason to breathe. Sometimes its family, friends, work, money, power- I think everyone’s meaning of life is different.

36: Define Art.

anything you make to express yourself or help yourself heal.

37: Do you believe in luck?

I kinda have too, I was an athlete.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

dark and cloudy.

39: What time is it?

7:07 pm and im totally running late to pick up my sis. (update - finishing this around 11:11 ooo make a wish cause i had to go get my sis so)

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes. Never “crashed” but have hit someone before and have been hit.

41: What was the last book you read?

A poetry book by Lauren Zuniga. That counts.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

No, but I like the smell of paint. 

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Laur-Laur, jiggles, cheesecake, Lo-ren, bean-bean.. others I dont think I should name i guess

44: What was the last film you saw?

Baby Driver

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Injury? Concussion. worst fucking thing of my life. it really was my fault though.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

oh god yes. if you know me, you know i always obsess. right now, carmilla and wynonna earp are my top two. easily.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bisexual, preference for women, fight me

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

I honestly dont know

50: Do you believe in magic?

I want too.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yeah. Well, yes and no. i dont hold a grudge to never have them apart of my life usually, but i never forget what they did to me. never.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

lol spend. i need to save. so bad.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

groceries

55: Love or lust?

I know this may shock people that know me, but love. lust isnt any good without it. thats what i would pick if i had to choose, but i rather like the idea they exist together. they can exist separately, but they go best together for me personally.

56: In a relationship?

no, but i hope things will get better.

57: How many relationships have you had?

ones I actually really loved being in wholeheartedly? 1. total? 4. I’d say 5 but im not really counting one of them lol.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

hell yeah

59: Where were you yesterday?

work and then home feeling down. then i played my video game, Just cause 3, till midnight

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

magazine

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yes

62: What’s your favourite animal?

kangaroos and zebras

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

... be a huge fucking dork and hope they dont fucking hate me

64: Where is your best friend?

.......the ones talking to me? charlotte, greensboro, greenville, raleigh (NC), texas... the one not talking to me? ... virginia/dc area

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

any of the ones with funny text posts/memes on wynonna earp and carmilla

66: What is your heritage?

im a white asshole with some native american in me. Choctaw. I need to learn more about my family history AND remember it.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

finishing up playing my name

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

angelface

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA dear fuck yes. duh. oh my fucking god im laughing so hard at this.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

loyal to a fault and there at your beck and call? yeah. not always the best listener? nah

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I’m gonna save the fucking dog and my boss can kiss my damn ass.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I’d definitely tell people. At first I wouldn’t know how, and id contemplate if its important enough to tell or not, but eventually i would. id start with those close to me. idk if id want to tell everyone. id want to travel a damn lot with those i love. go new places, try new things, build as many memories as possible. because hell yeah id be afraid. I’m terrified of death and the afterlife; not knowing what happens after we pass. 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

I think love is built on trust, so love. trust isnt always built on love.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

love on top, beyonce. literally saved my life freshman year of college.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

F8ME

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

kinda a big one, especially for myself lately. um. I think a great relationship has a good foundation. because in the end, every relationship faces struggles and is gonna be “tested”, for lack of a better word. and what can we turn back to when we feel things arent where they need to be? the foundation. its like a house; if somethings wrong with it, but the foundation is still sturdy, its probably possible and worth fixing. if the foundation is cracked, its more risky; if the foundation is completely crushed, then its probably not a great relationship anymore.

77: How can I win your heart?

Unless you’re the person who currently has my heart right now, you can’t. or if you’re a dog. dogs win my heart. if you’re a dog, congrats. the person who has my heart has to share. sorry, i dont make the rules.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

how is this a question? the craziest fucking people in the world are the most creative. Yes, yes, and more yes.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

this is intense. hmmmm. making a tumblr and going back on it in college. yeah. it led to my last relationship. best damn thing that ever happened to me.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

10 or 11

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

I’d want someone else to write a poem or something about me. i dont want to be buried. cremation bitch (after taking my organs out for science of course)

82: What is your favourite word?

currently i really just like cussing. fuck.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the name of my current ex. 

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

We accept the love we think we deserve.

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

i legit am trying to look at my iphone to see what last played in my car, but its being an asshole. I wanna say the last i remember is Craving you by Thomas Rhett. im already listening to wayy more country than i usually do lately.

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

in order: purple, blue, red

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A quote that says: “i know you’re sad, so i wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I’ll simply advice you to have a day. Stay Alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and dont give up on yourself just yet. it’ll get better. until then, have a day.”

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Can I make an entire building explode? preferably -cough- a building that houses certain gov officials i am not happy with -cough-?

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Any question that I know would upset someone. I’m working on trying to not be honest to a fault. to be honest when need be, and to know when i dont need to be brutally honest. im terrified of being too honest again in general.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

honestly, scream and be frozen in fear. idk man. wheres my baseball bat when i need it? idc if they arent doing anything, they need to GTFO of my room.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

holy crap. wow. a half hour? idk. theres a lot. a recent one is the hayley kiyoko concert though. that concert was just absolutely phenomenal. 100/10

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I wouldnt erase any horrible experience, because they made me who i am and helped me learn what i know. if i hadnt experienced what i experienced, that one thing not happening can change my entire life.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Honestly, right now, I wouldnt. and i dont think i ever would. i get too starstruck easily and have way too much respect and awe for the celebrities i like. i honestly do think of them as higher beings than me (not gods but like, ya know, out of my league lmao) so nah. now if we become friends and theyre a cuddler? then yes i will SLEEP next to them. SLEEP.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

i have that crazy urge to travel like a crazy person rn, so if i only had one free plane ticket, i’d go somewhere i otherwise couldnt right now, like italy. i really want to go to italy one day.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not that im aware of, but who knows

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

...actually yes! I was severely dehydrated once and my mom had me drink 3 bottles of water back to back. then we got in the car and as she started driving, i got sick, so she pulled over and i sat there getting ready to vomit when a cop pulled over and was like “hey, you okay?” and my mom just explained i was sick, and as he walked over to look at me thats when i threw up ALLLLL that water. he stepped back so quick and was all like “do you want me to call an ambulance?”. it was great. thats how you get rid of cops. throw up in front of them (sarcasm)

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yup! ive flown to new hampshire and kansas before.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

probably some long ass rant about how fucked up the world is and how we need to turn around our governments and get them to work back for the people, not for fucking corporations and capitalism, or the capitalistic aspects of socialism.