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terushimas-n1-hater · 4 years ago

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𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 ٭

𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐩 𝐨𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

Genre: kind of fluffy but its mostly angst

Warnings: toxic (abusive??) parents, arranged marriages, toxic relationships.

!Timeskip spoilers!

Playlists I listened to while writing this

"Good job..you did great out there." You said with a hand on his shoulder.

"Ah" he smiled "thank you for your support, without you and many others I would've never won so, thank you"

He said with genuine smile on his face. He got closer to the sofa, he sat down letting out a long sigh "oh" he said as if he remembered something.

"Hey! Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah i guess"

"Okay okay here, i got you something."

he said handing you a bag "u- um thank you?" You're confused yet curious looking inside the bag you see a little box, it looked like a jewellery box...but why would he buy you jewellery? all you did was praise him and help him go through the tiring days because of training for the Olympics, so why would he buy you something expensive?

"You look curious, why don't you open it and see it for yourself." He said looking at you with a soft look. You took the box out of the bag opening it, What a gift....

It looks so beautiful

It was a pretty looking necklace. Its gold and Choker like with pretty little stars that go all around it. You remember wanting a necklace like this..

How did he know you wanted something like this?

Is this a coincidence?

You dont even talk to him that much?

What is he on exactly?

You looked at him and looked at the box again "uh..I saw you last month and how you were looking at that same necklace, it looked like you wanted it so um i got it for you" he said smiling softly

"But why? Is this out of pity or something?" You said with a confused face "what! Of course not! do..do you not like it?" "No no! I like it but its just kinda random.. since I didn't really do anything to deserve a gift like this.." You said sighing.

Your story with tooru was long.

You never wanted to marry a man. In fact the thought alone of a man's touch made you nauseous beyond all belief. But he.....wasn't any different from any other man you've always wanted to avoid. But with parents like yours, the moment they found out about your thoughts they completely lashed out on you saying that all those feelings and thoughts are not expected in their household. And Forcing you to marry a man that you never saw or knew about before in your life. I mean he wasn't mean to you never laid a hand on you.

But still, It didn't feel right.

You felt captured, you felt stuck in a dead end. Like there was no where else to go. Being a housewife for almost 2 years now made you fall in many depressive episodes. And he knew that, he knew so so well about all the depressive episodes you were in, He knew it all. He tried to help you, but there was nothing for him to do since he himself doesn't know you or anything about you.

Which made it harder for the both of you to understand each others struggles. He never forced you to stay inside the house and do stuff for him like how your parents want you to. He let you free, let you do what you want. There is nothing else for him to do. In fact the both of you thought about getting a divorce, but you both knew that both your parents would not let that happen. Although yes you both had something somewhat in common, you both loved space.

You specifically loved stars. And you could guess that he caught up with your love for stars. You wore a lot clothing and jewellery that had something with stars or space. He thought it was cute, so when he saw you looking at this very pretty necklace he knew you wanted it.

"First its not out if pity and second i got it for you since i kinda knew you liked stuff like this.."

"Thank you tooru I really appreciate it."

I mean who wouldn't appreciate a gift like this?you loved and valued this gift but something just doesn't feel right with tooru honestly.. But it was just a gut feeling so you decided to just ignored it.

Again, tooru isn't the type that would keep you in his house and order you around. So you had many opportunities to get outside and have some fun you get me? Almost every weekend you'd get yourself all dolled up and go out with your friends For a little night out.

This not only made you happy and made you forget about all the shit you were going through, but it gives you a chance to do other fun things if you know what i mean. Hear me out, you knew it was wrong, so wrong actually. But it won't hurt anyone right? I mean tooru doesn't actually like you so, why not?

You did this with many people you meet at the club, specifically women. You loved it honestly. It made you feel more open and more happy about yourself. You didn't feel as captured as you used to, it was just great.

It was one of those nights again, you were laughing and chatting with one of your friends wearing (dress/suit wtv you prefer)

You felt so confident and happy. Moments later Your friend excused themselves to go to the bathroom, you nodded as they went to the bathroom. You were leaning on the bar and drinking your drink looking at the people on the dance floor drunkenly grinding and dancing together. You looked around to see this very pretty lady admiring you with a soft smile on her face, You smiled a bit while getting closer to her.

"Is there something on my face?" You asked with a cheeky smile

"No..i just thought you look pretty"

"Oh?"

"Very actually.." You giggled at that statement.

You and....aiko chatted for a pretty long time you kinda forgot about your friend. Aiko, aiko..what a pretty name, You were so interested in this girl honestly all you wanted to do is sit there and know all about her.

"What a pretty necklace you got there!" She said pointing at the necklace tooru gave to you.

"Oh! Yeah my.. brother gave it to me as a gift."

"Aww"

You both chatted for a while more and exchanged phone numbers

"Dont forget to text me!!" She said waving at you and blowing you a lil kiss.

You smiled and sighed, its probably time to go home.

You were looking for your friend to tell them that its time to leave, you took out your phone to call them and to know where they are until you saw you got some unread messages from them.

"Oooo ;)"

"Yall better make out after this."

"Okay I kinda ship bye"

"ANYWAYS..I'm going to leave this nasty azz club and leave ya too alone *wink wonk* "

"Love you AND DONT FORGET TO TEXT ME WHEN YOUR HOME"

You smiled at the text messages. You really did appreciate having a friend like them..But, its time to head home now before it gets even more late. You paid for your drinks took your stuff on your way out.

You finally got back home, tooru was sleeping on your shared bed so now you have be extra careful not to wake him up.

After you changed and got ready for bed. Already texted your Friend letting them know you went home safely.

"Are you free this Tuesday?"

You just got a message from someone with the name "your bbg 😻" you chuckled remembering Akio saved here contact name on your phone that.

"Yeah i am!"

"Great wanna hang out? There is this café I went to before THEY SELL THE BEST BAGELS EVER"

"Oh sure!"

"Okay i will send you the location to the café tmr kk?"

"Okay goodnight bbg 😻"

"LMAO GOODNIGHT 💖💝💗💓❤"

¡A/n! : okay so ahm ahm I wrote this in a pretty bad mental state so, if there is errors or spelling mistakes OR ITS JUST BAD I apologise. But I do hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed thinking and writing about it!! I will be making a part 2 to finish this because I just realised that if I finish this all at once it would be a wattpad story type long lmaooo. Thank u and have a great dayy (ﾉ´ з `)ノ💕💞💓💗💖💝

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butterbeeryuta · 5 years ago

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johnny as your boyfriend; radio!au

a/n: thIS was requested a looooooong time ago, and i am so sorry that i only wrote this now. My mocks are finally done, and they actually went pretty well, so i hope my results will match whatever i am claiming skdjkjd. This headcanon was really fun to write, and it was overall just adorable oof alright, imma head to over to my next oneshot now. Hope all of you have a great day.

Okay so ya’ll are in uniVersity (as expected because I am writing this)

You met johnny 2 years ago when you were freshman looking for a job on campus cause um,,, college is a bitch

And you saw this uni radio show ‘Night Night’ which went live every wednesday at 9 in the evening

You honestly had no idea what they talked about since you’ve never listened to one

Despite the fact that your roommate Sicheng always talks about it and claims how great it is

BUT ANYWAY

You always enjoyed radio shows in general, and saw that they were hiring for another radio show personality

HMMmmMmmmM i wonDEr wheRe tHIS Is gOInG

You were one intellect my dear; you were studying political science at Konkuk University, meaning, you were one opinionated ass individual

But, you also had your crack side acCording to ur roommate

You fucking chased Sicheng around with those incense sticks cause you couldn’t find your go-to rolling pin to scare the shit out of him for eating your pack of strawberries

I swear the two of you are great friends ya’ll just show love to each other in quite a unique way

ANYWAYS

YeAH so you went to ask for the job cause you need money to buy a safe for your precious strawberries

You brought whatever requirements they asked for, and nyyOoooOOooooOOOOnged your way over there

It was a pretty old building, or radio station per se. not that it was bad or anything but, it isn’t exactly a place you would like to step into

Going up the stairs, you just saw a really TALL and attractive guy clearing out a few things in the booth. Your guess was that he was also probably new to this and whoever lent him the place didn’t exactly clean up the place.

With whatever courage you had in yourself

Or i guess how much sugar you consumed this morning cause you casually just walked it without contacting the guy

‘Uh... hello?’

HE JUMPED, whatever shit he was holding? Yeah it dropped

Which caused you to jump too, not expecting the huge ass pretty guy to have that big of a reaction

he looked over to you, surprised to see a person in the radio station because um,,, nobody ever goes there except for him

‘Hello to you too??? uhhh, not meaning to be rude or anything but, why are you here? Are you lost?’ He asks, looking extremely concerned

You just shook your head and deadass told him that there was a job offer for another radio show personality, and he looked eveN more concerned

Sorta like a ‘are u fucking serious’ face

‘Oh! Right. That job has been open for about a year now so I didn’t expect anyone to come at all...’

OHHhhHhh????????

Well,,,, i guess you have a better chance of getting the job?

‘Well.... do i get a higher chance of being accepted then for being the first to show up? You ask, unsure if whatever you said made sense, or was even socially acceptable

Imagine going to a job interview being like: ‘so i saw ur job offer, and since i actually showed up, I’m accepted right?’

Babe i dont think it works like that, but let’s continue

Johnny honestly had nothing to say against you though. You were right in a sense that you had no competition since you were the only one that actually came to apply. At the same time, he wanted the quality of the show to still be good even if there was a limited audience

‘Higher chance is indeed right. But tell me, uhh, what’s your name again?’

‘I actually never introduced myself, but it’s _______’

‘I’m Johnny by the way. So _______, why do you want to be a radio show host for Konkuk University?’

you had two ways to answer this question: (1) be blatantly honest that you really need the money, and talking to earn cash seems pretty great in your opinion or (2) repeat whatever the fuck sicheng has told you about the show

And of course, you were going with the first option

‘i honestly need the money because college is a bitch. And also talking and having discussions is a pretty fun and interesting method to get some cash in. Also because my roommate loves your show and why not ruin it for him by including me in it’

Babe

BABE SKDJKSDJKDSJKSDJSKDJKSDJ

Johnny actually wanted to accept you immediately. I mean for starters, he found you pretty adorable marching up to the radio station determined to get the job. And not only that, you were quite the talker, which is something that could spike up the show since it was just always johnny speaking

And also because he was feeling quite lonely but he would never admit that

‘Alright _____, meet me this friday to talk about next week’s segment’

OOFT

And let me tell you, tall boi’s assumptions were right. During your first show together, the two of you decided to talk about the book ‘1984’ by george orwell and although it may sound boring on a superficial level, yOU made it sound pretty interesting and johnny was actually just laughing the entire time

You and johnny just clicked in an instant, and your way of describing things made ‘Night Night’ known by the students

Nobody could ever forget your infamous line about the book: ‘george orwell’s sexual frustration is honestly so transparent in the book; all he needed was to get his dick wet then maybe he wouldn’t have let julia and winston be caught by the thoughtpolice.’

And things like this happened every wednesday. The pattern of your radio show just included you being you, and johnny trying to make shit be on track

The two of you were doing it for a very long time now, and back to toDAY where ya’ll have been doing it for two years, well... it would be a lie to say you hadn’t developed feelings for johnny

of course the man was beautiful and well-built. But his personality and laugh? Yeah sicheng should’ve warned you about that.

He is probably one of the most open-minded person in the world, and he knows a bit about everything, making him so well-rounded. And and and he’s to kind???

If you tell him that you can’t make it to the radio show, he says it’s okay and even gives you snacks the moment you come back and he just makes you so soft in general i—

Meanwhile for johnny, damn is he in love with you

Over the past 2 years, you definitely helped him open up more. With the way you speak along with your galaxy brain, he couldn’t help but fall for you? You were intelligent, you had your own mind, and being friendly and funny in general is something johnny really liked about you

The time when he realised he loves you was when you curled yourself up against the seat while you were discussing about what to talk about next week, and you just fell asleep. He noticed how soft and peaceful you looked, and that he would want to see you like this on a daily basis

Shit this is getting me all soft i wasnt planning on this nsndnsndnd

So yeaHHHHH this week’s segment, you guys were talking about the spanish conquest of mexico and peru woohoooo

AND you were very excited for this because this was one of your (my) favourite topics you learnt during your time in high school

‘OKAY, good evening everyone I am ______D,’

‘And I am JohnD, and welcome to’

‘Night Night. Oof, we’re getting better at our introductions aren’t we JohnD?’

‘Nope, you just learned how to say it without cringing’

‘Touché’ and ya’ll began your discussion. And things actually got pretty interesting.

‘So _____ you’re telling me that it was Cortes’ leadership that allowed the Spanish to successfully take over Mexico?’ He asks you in disbelief.

‘No you tall dumbfuck, it’s one of the attributes that led them to succeed. Both Cortes and Pizarro had disease on their side and better weapons, so of course they’d win. I just wanted to include leadership as i don’t know, to see the defeat of the aztecs from a new lens?’ You respond, deadass looking at johnny in the eye

‘Well, i don’t think i can argue with that, mainly because i am too scared too. That is it for today, but before we end this, i would like to add one more thing.’ Johnny says, which took you by surprise

huHhh?

You looked confused, in fact, you were confused.

What the fuck was going on?

‘This academic year is ending, and this so happens to be my last year here at Konkuk University...’

Oh shit

Your eyes softened at his words, just realising now that johnny was two years older than you, and yeah, he’s graduating this year

‘... this year has honestly been one of the greatest years here at Konkuk, but for me, I think of my my most memorable memories here was when ______D entered the station and giving me a huge fright’

You laughed a little, remembering how much you scared the man

‘Taking this opportunity, ______D, I want to ask you something’

Shit

BRUHHHHHHHHH

‘I just want to congratulate you and thank you for joining “Night Night.” You made the show livelier and massively increased the viewer rate with that big brain of yours—‘

‘I prefer the term galaxy brain’

‘—yes, galaxy brain. I hope that you can continue this radio show, and maybe recruit someone else while i’m out in the world of disgusting adults. So yes, thank you ______. And because we won’t be colleagues in a bit, will you be my girl/boyfriend?’

You were initially teary eyed, buT yEET those tears out biTCH what????

You wanted to say yes, bUt how?????

Do you just nod at him and go ‘ye,’ or do you like, confess?

You felt weird in the stomach. Not that you can exactly do 459343948 cartwheels in one go, but that’s exactly what your stomach was doing. If you were to speak, you could have vomited.

Idk what happened to you, but you took off your headphones, and went to the tall boy and just hugged the shit out of him cause umm,,,, SAME????

And johnny wasn’t sure what that exactly meant so he just hugged you back, bringing you to his lap and holding you tight against him cause honestly, when will he be able to do this to a person he genuinely loves

There was a moment of silence of you two just holding each other, until you realised you were still live with lord knows how many people were listening.

‘U-um, yeah Johnny, I w-will gladly be yours—‘

‘_____ I love you’

OKAY RETRIEVE THOSE TEARS BISH YOU CRYING NOW TF

You sorta just placed your head on the crook of his neck, quietly whispering to him

‘I can’t believe I love your tall ass too...’

‘SHE SAID SHE LOVES ME TOO!’

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camcantarella · 6 years ago

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20 Questions Tag Game - Writers Edition

I was tagged by the ever so amazing @alanakusumastan. Thanks Julia! 💗💗💗 (this is really late lol I kept forgetting about it in my drafts)

Respond to the following writing questions and tag me in your response! I look forward to hearing your answers as I’ve always been curious about these!

1) When/what age did you start writing?

I started writing during the twitter fic era! What was the actual name of that site? It was an extension (basically) of twitter. Not twitlonger but? idk I dont remember lol

2) What inspired you to start?

I was in my Justin Bieber phase and saw a bunch of people writing fics about him on that site and decided to give it a shot lol

3) Where and when does inspiration usually strike you?

Watching a lifetime movie, sleeping, seeing a picture, my nonexistent love life, etc lol so like literally anything

4) Where and when do you usually write? Morning? Late at night? On the bus? In bed?

At night, but like early early in the morning is when I write my best content! So like 1-4 am I can write an AMAZING fluff piece.

5) Do you listen to music while writing? If so, what genre/playlist?

ALWAYS. I don’t think I can actually write without it? I create a playlist for every fic occasion. Each song is usually a love song but t create my playlists according to the vibe. Like if it was created as a love song but if I find a slow, slightly creepy cover of it you better believe it’s going into my stalker fic playlists

6) Which category do you like best? Angst? Fluff? NSFW? Other?

FLUFF. It’s the easiest thing for me to write despite the fact that I’m 100% inexperienced in the subject lmao

7) Which category do you find most challenging to write?

Angst, okay wait no... NSFW. Definitely. Like I can write a fight scene and “kill” my fave OC, but sex? How does one even gain enough courage or words to write that??? (big props to nsfw writers like i have so much respect for yall)

8) If you had to pick your favorite Choices book, which one would it be and why?

Um.... I have no idea honestly? I’m pretty neutral to all the books at this point. But I’ll always be a sucker for ILITW bc I was proven wrong in canon about some aspects of the book and i eat that kind of thing up. I love being proven wrong! Sometimes.

9) If your Choices LIs were real, which one (and only one) would you personally want to be with?

Well shit lol um irl I’d probs say Liam bc hot af, royal af, sweet af, generous af, protective af, lovable af

10) Do you share any physical characteristics with your Choices MCs? Pics/Selfies optional 😊

Nope! none. um... dark hair?

11) Which MC do you share the most personality traits with?

None, not really. Like... I’d say TF mc but I’m not much of a fan of her so like lol no

12) Which Choices character do you feel you have the best grasp of in terms of personality?

I’d probs say Flynn but I’m not totally sure until I try to write him. Or Liam bc I feel like in some aspects I AM Liam

13) What’s your favorite Choices pairing to write for?

I don’t write for any actual choices pairings! In each of the 2 fics I’m working on I’m pairing canon characters with original characters

14) What is a pairing(s) you hope to start writing for?

I’d like to FINALLY write flynn x mc. ALSO. my oc Kaden Cantarella (he’s set in the VOS universe) with ya know... me lol bc I’m in love with him

15) What do you hope to improve in your writing?

I need to be a lot more descriptive. I’m not good with like proper use of adjectives or anything. Like in chapter 1 of my stalker grant fic I said that grant threw a picture frame at Walsh. But I didn’t explain what had actually happened ya know, so like initially it wasn’t clear whether Walsh had actually been hit or where grant threw it, stuff like that.

16) Any pet peeves related to writing?

Everything, like I like writing, but I hate writing. Does that even make sense?

17) Are you inspired by any IRL experiences when you write? Care to share?

YES!!! Back in the marrish fandom sometimes I used to write based on things that had actually happened in my life or things I’d witnessed. Or like I’d take little bits of myself and insert them into the OCs

18) Is there any particular piece of work you consider to be your ultimate writing goal? Something so amazing you hope one day you’ll be up to that standard?

Ugh my unpublished, unnamed royal marrish au. I didn’t finish that one but it was coming along amaaaaazing. Also Thinking Out Loud (also marrish bc all my fics outside of this fandom have been marrish), like that was the first fic I wrote that I LOVED. I’d never liked my writing before then (still dont, not really, but I do it anyway)

19) Did/do you write for any other fandoms? If so which ones?

marrish!! (teen wolf, who?) once i feel comfortable enough with my writing again I’m gonna finish all those unpublished fics I was working on before my extreme case writer’s block started early last year (literally couldn’t write a paragraph again til a couple months ago)

20) In your spare time (when you’re not writing) what other hobbies do you pursue?

what even are hobbies anymore. All I’ve been doing lately has been fighting off anxiety attacks. um I love discovering new music though like that’s always been a fave!! oh and shipping myself with people I have no chance with lol that’s always fun

Tagging: okay so tbh idk about [m]any writers in this fandom and anyone I’m following has probs already been tagged so if you’re a writer and havent been yet, consider this official notice of me tagging you! 💗

#choicesgallery #tag games

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markhycks · 8 years ago

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markhyuck au where

mark is a real estate agent trying to sell a house that has been unoccupied for years but donghyuck (the ghost who haunts it) won’t let him. warning: very long post / aged up!markhyuck

—- i wrote this bc i had to get this out of my system - yall can keep scrolling if u dont like markhyuck !! ALSO i have z e r o clue how the real estate industry works so this is probably super inaccurate

ok so:

no one wants to buy this property bc its apparently haunted by a ghost

mark thinks thats just stupid

hes just trying his very best n rly wants a promotion !!

so his boss (obviously taeil bc we love a moon taeil managing a real estate business) offers to give a raise n promotion to anyone that can sell the house bc the last dude that tried to got so close but the couple pulled out last min after hearing abt the rumours

mark thinks he is aBSOLUTELY FULLY CAPABLE of selling this house so he tells his boss he wants to give it a shot

taeils like r u sure you’ve only been working here for 6 months

n mark lee’s all hell yea i got this thats why rumours around the world are saying mark is abs-

so boss man’s like aight ill leave this task to you

everyone else in the office is all :000000

sicheng the cute intern is all ARE YOU SURE ABT THIS MARK in his broken chinese n he’s all cute and worried and its the first time the others have heard him speak this much

jaehyun his bff in the office is like good luck man bc he once tried selling it too but whimped out after encountering so called ghost

so anyways mark has to go inspect the property the next day

he gets given the keys yadda yadda

when he turns up to the house (which, mind you, is a very nice house located on the outskirts of town by a little lake) and opens the door he hears a loud “WHO GOES THERE”

and mARK FREAKS TF OUT

like he legit jumps n he’s pretty sure he almost peed himself n hes sso oso scared but then he remembers his mission and that he’s not going to turn out like the rest and he w I L L sell this house

so he loosens his tie with a d e t er m i n e d face and enters the home

“whos there!! show yourself!”

he thinks he sounds pretty fierce but it actually came out a quiet squeak

anyways it’s silent for a bit and mark’s like super wary as he closes the door behind him

“LEAVE THIS HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!!!” and suddenly theres a picture frame thrown at the wall

mark panics again and he’s so close to running out but he stays determined!!! bc!! fully capable mark!!

“no i have to sell this house and i won’t leave until i do so!!”

and it just goes silent again until the voice speaks up again

“who are you”

“i, um. mark?”

“you sound unsure”

“well. i mean, would you kill me for being a little nervous? jheesh”

he looks around. where is the voice even coming from? it projects through the entire house like its on speaker

mark’s not sure where he got this sudden confidence from but he feels a lot less scared than before so he just loosens his tie and walks around the house with his clipboard, doing his lil inspection

the ghost? spirit? whatever it is doesn’t say anything and mark just shrugs and carries on with his business and before he knows it an hour has already passed

“hey spirit” he calls out

and it’s like silent for ages

so he just shrugs and he’s about to leave when

“you can’t sell this house. it’s mine”

and mark just stops at the door and he can’t help but feel a lil sad at the spirit’s sad tone bc it probably has like so many memories in the house and it probably hasn’t crossed over or whatever (he’s not sure how the whole supernatural thing works but he’s watched ghost whisperer before)

the last thing mark says before he leaves is “i’ll be back tomorrow and you better be gone”

he thinks he hears the spirit scoff but maybe its just his ears

honestly mark has a hard time believing all of this and he goes to bed that night wondering h o w he’s going to deal with this situation

anyway mark turns up the next day and this time the spirit doesn’t seem as hostile

that being said it continues to threaten mark and starts moving objects around

but honestly mark (and his newfound confidence) only rolls his eyes as makes a list of the repairs that need to be done (bc deep down he doesnt believe any of this is actually happening)

so they fall into a routine

mark keeps coming back and the spirit keeps threatening him

sometimes it tries to sabotage his work by moving things around

mark’s gotten so used to it that he literally just sighs like “give it back”

the spirit actually listens to him and does

eventually they start talking more

mark’s found out the spirit’s name is donghyuck but that’s all the information he knows

he thinks it’d be inappropriate to ask stuff like “oh so how did u die” so they just end up having the most random conversations

“make sure you paint the hallway walls blue. the mustard yellow is so outdated”

“you’ll leave and let me sell the house if i paint them blue?”

“i never said that”

and mark ends up spending more time at the house than necessary

so one day jaehyun pulls him aside at work n he’s all “dude??? are u ok? you’re hardly in the office these days”

and mark’s like “yeah man u know its just the repairs for the house they’re taking ages”

jaehyun is suspicious but shrugs it off and tells him to be careful

taeil asks how the task is going and mark suddenly gets all nervous for no reason bc HOW IS THE TASK GOING??? he doesnt even know 

he just gives another casual response n says the house should be ready soon for him to start bringing in clients

taeil just pats his back and wishes him good luck

when mark finishes work that evening he literally feels so down bc he literally had one j o b but here he is being all chummy with a ghost that haunts this house and its all just so messed up in his head

he doesnt know what makes him do it but that evening he ends up going to the house

“someone’s working the night shift”

mark just blinks in confusion at the words because what the heck. he’s meant to be here for work and this isn’t work so w h y is he here at 7pm on a friday???

instead he just takes a seat on the floor by the wall in the empty living area and sighs like a sad puppy

“what’s the matter?” donghyuck asks and his voice sounds genuinely concerned??? if anything it scares mark a bit

“who - no. what are you?” he finally asks

and then there’s silence

it’s literally like that for almost an hour before mark asks again

“are you like some kind of ghost? spirit? do you need help crossing over? i just. i really need you to leave and you’re not making my job any easier and i’m so confused and half of me doesn’t even believe any of this is real”

silence

it almost convinces mark that he really is going mad because there’s no such thing as ghosts and he’s just talking to an empty house

until a quiet voice says

“i’m neither of those”

mark feels so, so confused and he just ruffles his hair in frustration

“then what are you?”

“what’s your favorite color?”

he’s taken aback by the question

nonetheless, he responds with a quiet “green”

“green is disgusting. red is better”

“red is literally the color of the devil i’m guessing thats what you are”

he’s expecting an angry remark but instead he’s met with soft laughter and all mark can do is smile in return

he ends up spending the night at the house talking to donghyuck all night

it’s a saturday the next day and mark is so co n f u s e d when he wakes up to the smell of pancakes?

he follows the smell and finds a plate of pancakes sitting at the table with a note “i’m assuming you never ate dinner last night. eat up - D”

mark thinks he’s living in a dream bc did a ghost just?? COOK for him??

reality at this point has become so warped in his mind that he doesn’t care anymore and he starts eating

he hears laughter

“calm down youre eating as if its your last day on earth”

he sticks up a middle finger at no one in particular, hoping donghyuck will see it from wherever he is, and he’s only met with more laughter

when he’s finished eating and rinses his plate (which he has no idea where it came from) he’s thinking about what donghyuck said to him last night about not being a ghost

“donghyuck”

“mark”

for a brief moment he’s startled. it’s the first time donghyuck’s said his name and he’s not sure how he feels about it. if anything, the tips of his ears growing red must indicate a positive sign

“what ar- i mean. how do yo- no. what do you look like?”

silence

he runs a hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh before leaving the house again

he doesn’t return for another week

when mark comes back, he’s with a client

mr johnny seo and his boyfriend chittaphon seem extremely keen in the property and want to move in despite hearing rumors about a ghost

mark doesn’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing

johnny and chittaphon are into that buzzfeed unsolved kind of shit and run their own vlog series on youtube and theyre just e c s t a t i c that they might be moving into a haunted house

mark thinks theyre weird as shit but he wants that promo

donghyuck probably doesn’t mind sharing anyway

when he thinks back to donghyuck he feels a pang in his chest and dare he say it, he misses them?

anyways

mark takes the couple back to the house and he feels weird

he can’t pinpoint what’s wrong but he just feels strange inside his chest

there are two things he’s learnt about johnny and chittapon:

one, they cant keep their hands off each other

and two, they can’t stop filming every waking moment of their lives

so when they’re following him to the house with their giant ass camera and chittaphon’s giggles, mark can only roll his eyes as he inserts the key

but the door won’t open

mark’s confused - he hadn’t come back to change the locks so why won’t the key fit?

he feels slightly flustered in the presence of the couple and their camera and he laughs nervously

they must feel pretty bad for him because they laugh nervously too

mark tries again but to no avail and sighs in frustration when it hits him: donghyuck - this was clearly his doing

mark clears his throat awkwardly before turning back to the couple “i’m sor-”

“LEAVE AT ONCE”

johnny and chittaphon jump back, eyes wider than saucers while mark has to c o n t a i n himself from rolling his eyes at donghyuck’s ~scary voice~

he half expects the couple to run away but instead johnny only begins to roll the camera once again and there’s a look of nervous excitement on chittaphon’s face

mark turns to the door once again and hisses “donghyuck open the door”

he hopes the couple haven’t heard him but judging by the looks on their faces, they have

“LEAVE MY HOME AT ONCE BEFORE I CURSE YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES”

and mark can only snort

johnny looks absolutely f a s c i nat e d by this point and mark groans internally before beginning to knock on the door

“donghyuck not cool just open the damn d o o r before i break it down”

there’s silence and mark takes it as his cue to try unlocking the door with his set of keys again

it works and he allows the couple to enter

donghyuck attempts to scare the trio a few times during mark’s tour of the house by moving things around - causing johnny to drop his camera at one point and chittaphon to curse at him for bringing it because its probably broken now

anyway the tour goes t e rr i b ly

mark is pissed

he’s not sure what johnny and chittaphon are feeling

when he sees the couple off he just shuts the door angrily and donghyuck just g i g g le s

“what the fuck man did u have to do that?”

“i told you to leave”

“and i told you to leave. what is even your problem???”

at this point mark’s just yelling and donghyuck doesnt seem to care tbh

there are a few more clients he tries to bring that week and the week after

they all go awfully thanks to donghyuck and by the end of the fourth week mark is on the verge of giving up

donghyuck on the other hand seems to be having way too much fun

“can you just like, stop?” mark sighs

he’s very very tired at this point and he’s considering giving the keys back to taeil and telling him he can’t do it

he’s picks up his blazer that he’d taken off earlier and is about to leave when he hears a

“where are you going?”

mark just releases the loudest snort before turning to the empty walls of the house and raising a brow at nothing in particular

“are you kidding me? i’m done. congrats donghyuck you get to keep your damn house”

donghyuck doesn’t say anything

- when mark shakes his head and turns to open the front door

it won’t open

“very funny, donghyuck. open it so i can leave”

he’s met with silence a g a i n so he pulls the keys out of his pocket

“wait!”

he whips his head around in confusion bc its the first time he’s heard donghyuck speak in such a desperate tone

he feels his ears growing red again

“uh.. yes?”

there’s a couple seconds of silence before donghyuck speaks in a quiet voice

“you asked me what i was right?”

mark just scoffs bc why is he even having this conversation at this point

he decides to answer anyway

“like every day but sure”

“go to the loft”

mark spends a few seconds contemplating whether he really should or not

he follows his gut instinct and makes his way to the loft

he’s only actually been up to the loft once just because it takes forever to get up there

when he climbs up the ladder and looks around at the empty space he shrugs

“well?”

“go up to the bookshelf on the far left”

mark feels like a child being directed right now but he follows the instructions anyway

he feels slightly nervous and a part of him wants to escape

its congested up here and he can feel the back of his neck grow sweaty like he’s been waiting for this moment for ages!!!

a part of him wants to run out of the house as quick as possible he’s not even sure what hes expecting

“now um.. move that red book on the end”

mark’s hand is s h a k i ng at this point and he slowly does what hes been told

suddenly????? the bookshelf starts moving

and then it hits mark

its a fake bookshelf thats actually meant to be a revolving door

mark is literally about to collapse bc he doesnt know whats waiting for him on the other side

when the door finally reaches the other side all he can do is stare

he feels like he’s in a different world, standing in the loft which resembles an open space apartment, with a tiny window and a mini kitchen on the side, a door which leads to what he assumes is a bathroom and a small bed

but that’s not what catches mark’s attention

standing in front of him is the most b e a u t i f u l boy he’s ever seen in his entire life

he doesn’t look much younger than mark himself, slightly shorter with dark red hair, golden skin and the biggest chocolate brown eyes he’s seen on a person

mark doesn’t know how to react

his mouth goes dry and the boy looks so frightened standing there in his own vicinity that mark’s afraid he’ll disappear if he touches him

“donghyuck?”

clearing his throat in an all too familiar voice, the boy speaks

“that would be me”

mark passes out

when he wakes up a while later, he’s on an unfamiliar bed and he looks around with narrowed eyes - realising that it wasn’t a dream and donghyuck is in fact a human living in a loft

mark looks around at the place and his jaw drops when he sees the wall opposite the bed is fULL of screens capturing cctv like images of almost every corner of the house

there are about three computer screens at the desk and mark is baffled

it looks like the bedroom of a teenage hacker

“oh good you’re up. i thought you were dead” donghyuck says, walking over to him from the kitchen with a plate of food

mark sits up slowly, his head is aching and hearing donghyuck’s voice like this, so clear, so close to him, so soft - he thinks he’ll pass out again

he feels himself growing warm when donghyuck takes a seat beside him on the bed, putting the plate on his lap before getting up

before he can, mark grabs his wrist “wait”

“you probably have a lot of questions” donghyuck speaks over him

“well, yeah”

“eat up we’ve got all night” donghyuck says

mark hasn’t even made eye contact with the other boy yet because he can’t bring himself to

donghyuck is intimidatingly beautiful

“i- what time is it?”

“9. you were out for hours”

“it’s been a long day” mark shrugs, taking a bite of the surprisingly good food donghyuck managed to cook up

so it turns out donghyuck’s family were the owners of the house but he’d been left an orphan as a teenager

in order to avoid being taken into social care, he made his own living space up in the loft so no one would find him - once he’d turned 18 they stopped looking for him and using his intelligent brain, he’d conjured up all the right devices to make it seem like the home was haunted by the ghosts of his family members

mark is baffled by the end of the explanation

“but the things moving around the house..”

“ever heard of remote controlled toys and simple physics?”

mark nods slowly and donghyuck just shrugs casually

later on donghyuck shows mark how he’d managed to keep up this strange lifestyle of his

he also finds out that donghyuck is not much younger than himself like he’d predicted - there are only a few months separating them

mark ends up spending the weekend at donghyuck’s place

when it’s sunday night and mark’s getting ready to leave, donghyuck actually walks him up the front door

it feels weird to say the least - hearing donghyuck’s voice like this and not projecting through the speakers he had hidden behind the walls

he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, but donghyuck’s voice is sweeter than honey and he feels like melting every time the younger speaks to him in a quieter tone

“hey donghyuck” he says, once he reaches the door and turns to the younger

“hm?”

“you ever thought about just.. buying the house?”

donghyuck lets out a laugh

mark finds it condescending

“do you think i have the money to do that?”

“well since you’ve managed to maintain it so well - yeah” it turns out donghyuck does weird internet jobs from home where he gets paid a shit ton of cash through his online services - mark thinks its illegal but doesn’t want to say anything

donghyuck shoots him an amused smile and shakes his head

just as mark pulls the handle of the door, there’s a warm hand on his and all he can do is gulp as he meets donghyuck’s nervous eyes

“you won’t still try to sell it.. right?”

mark remembers his outburst a few days ago and he sends the younger a sympathetic smile, shaking his head slowly “i won’t”

“thanks” and then donghyuck’s hand is gone

mark lowkey feels sad at the loss of warmth but it returns when donghyuck asks him in the most v u l ne r a b l e voice

“will you be back?”

“i don’t know”

mark tries to ignore the heartbroken expression on donghyuck’s face while he’s driving home that night

the next morning at work mark feels miserable

mainly because it’s a monday but also bc of donghyuck

he’s just so conflicted and he doesnt know what to do

when he’s on his break and passes by taeil’s office, he hears taeil talking to one of his co-workers nakamoto yuta, a guy who transferred to the company a few months before mark joined

they’re talking about the house and most importantly they’re talking about mark

“boss just give me the house i’ll do it - i’ve already got a couple people i know who would be willing it purchase it despite the current situation”

“yuta you very well know this is mark’s-”

“boss it’s been over a month now and he’s scared off all his clients. please?”

there’s a pause before he hears a “alright. i’ll talk to mark tomorrow”

mark just p a n i c s because all he can think about is donghyuck

that night mark drives back to donghyuck’s place and the door is already open for him

“you came back” donghyuck sounds breathless - like he just ran down from the loft

- mark sees sparkles in his eyes and his stomach does a backflip

“i came back” he repeats, the smile on his face growing

when he’s later sat down on donghyuck’s bed, eating the leftovers from the dinner donghyuck’s just made, mark explains his work situation to him

the younger boy nods, trying desperately not to let the sadness show on his face but fails

“hey” mark says, bringing a hand to the younger’s cheek

it’s weird but neither of them say anything

donghyuck thinks mark has the softest!! hands

“i won’t let them sell it” he says in the s o f t e s t voice and donghyuck wants to melt

instead he just scoffs and shrugs mark’s hand away

“if anything, i won’t let them sell it” he says and mark laughs

deep down they both know it’s not selling the house that’s the issue at hand; it’s mark not having an excuse to keep coming back

the atmosphere is weird and tense when mark leaves that evening

donghyuck walks him down to the door again and mark has the urge to hold has hand and tell him it’ll b ok

just as mark’s about to get into his car donghyuck calls for him

when mark turns around donghyuck is suddenly !! in his arms!! and wow! soft and warm donghyuck!!

about a hundred alarm bells go off in mark’s head and his heart is POUNDING but all he does is bring his arms around the younger boy and tighten the hug

when mark arrives at his own place he thinks that donghyuck doesn’t just sound like honey, but smells sweet like it too

he decides honey is his favorite smell

the next day at work mark isn’t surprised when yuta greets him enthusiastically in the morning

he also isn’t surprised when both he and yuta are called into taeil’s office

mark has to act fast - he can’t let yuta take this from him

he’s been up all night thinking about this, thinking about donghyuck

so when taeil’s about to speak up, mark cuts him off:

“boss i want to purchase the property for myself”

both taeil and yuta’s jaws drop and he’s pretty sure he hears jaehyun gasp from outside the door - the office wasn’t exactly a large place

“you want to do what”

“yes. i’ve thought this through and yeah. as a customer, i want to buy it. i’ve already spent so much time at it it practically already feels like home” donghyuck feels like home

“i’ve already thought about selling my place for a while now anyway - and i don’t think anyone else would be more willing to buy this house more than i am”

taeil and yuta stay silent

eventually taeil agrees but hands over the property to yuta to sell to mark

when they all come to a deal or whatever mark is dragged aside by jaehyun

“is this why you spent so long there? you wanted it for yourself?” poor bb he is so confused

mark just smiles and nods “yeah, guess i did”

mark doesn’t return to the house for another few days - he’s gotta tell his parents about his abrupt decision to sell his place and purchase a new one

since he lives in a different town from his parents, they offer to come with his younger brother jisung to help with the move out - he tells them its ok and that he has lots of helping hands here and he’ll call them over when he’s settled in

mark heads to the house towards the end of the week, the contract behind his back as he unlocks the door with his keys

“hey spirit - come out wherever you are!” he calls out playfully

to his surprise donghyuck’s already on his way down - trying not to smile at the sight of the man in front of him

“mark lee”

“donghyuck” he says, unable to contain his excitement as he holds up the paper in front of the younger

donghyuck squints at it, confused for a moment before his eyes widen

“YOU DID WHAT?????////”

“i bought this house!”

donghyuck doesn’t know whether he should laugh or cry

“what the hell you just bought my house?!”

mark’s slightly confused bc he thought donghyuck would be happy

donghyuck looks like he’s abt to burst into tears and mark the awkward turtle starts panicking again

“i - i thought it would be better than a random person buying it??”

“nO because a random person would never buy this house for as long as im alive and now yOU just came out of nowhere and TOOK POSSESSION OF IT??!?!?”

donghyuck’s a lil mad bc he feels like the house is all he’s got and now its gone and he’s mad at himself for letting his guard down in front of mark and getting so attached to mark and falling for mark and he doesn’t even realise he’s saying this all aloud until mark stares at him with wide eyes

“you what?”

silence

“you do realise not saying anything won’t work anymore since i can actually see you now, right?”

silence

“donghyuck”

there’s a quiet mumble “sowhatifilikeyou”

mark feels like he’s about to comBUST

donghyuck’s face is literally the color of a tomato and he just shrinks and he’s so cute mark wants to kiss him

so he does

donghyuck’s lips taste like the warmth of the summer, the confused and nervousness of their feelings, but most importantly they taste sweet - just like honey, just like donghyuck

when mark parts from the kiss first, donghyuck’s fingers curl softly into the material of his shirt, he presses his forehead against the younger’s

“i’m sorry i did this all without telling you - i just. i did what i felt was right. this feels right, donghyuck. being with you feels right.” mark’s just so nERVOUS and half of what he says comes out so shaky until donghyuck responds quietly

“i want to be with you”

mark wants to pass out

this time however, he doesn’t

anyways~~

time skip a couple of weeks

donghyuck moves out from the loft and they settle into the house properly

after much insistence donghyuck removes the cameras from around the house except for the exterior and they turn one of the spare bedrooms into a little study for donghyuck where he can do his “illegal business”

mark suggests him getting out a bit more and donghyuck reluctantly agrees

mark takes donghyuck out on dates to the movie theatre and out for breakfast

donghyuck is so nervous in public and is practically glued to mark’s side the whole time it’s adorable

they’re both living so d om e s t i ca l ly its sickening

at mark’s housewarming he tells his family and friends that he met donghyuck through tinder

jaehyun doesn’t believe him bc donghyuck’s voice sounds so familiar but he doesn’t know where from - he chooses to drop it though bc the couple in front of him look so happy so he goes to bother sicheng

“hey loser” donghyuck walks out from his study room one sunday afternoon when mark’s on the couch watching tv

“yeah??” mark lowers the volume

“cough up your rent for the month - we gotta pay the water bill cause your fatass won’t stop showering every two minutes”

mark almost chokes on his spit

“me?”

donghyuck nods, flopping down to take a seat beside him

“idk if you’ve noticed but im the owner of this house if anything you should be coughing up rent”

donghyuck snorts “owner in name. we all know who this house rly belongs to”

mark gives him the stink eye “listen you little shi-mph”

before he can begin his string of insults donghyuck’s already climbed onto his lap and his lips are on mark’s

and they live happily ever after !!!!

#markhyuck #mark #haechan #donghyuck #nct #nct dream #nct 127 #fluff #au #markhyuck au #otp cries #taeil the boss #jaehyun and winwin the cutest co-workers #johnten #but only minor #headcanon

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gaydemiboy · 6 years ago

Text

I can't sleep and I just found the need to rant

Alrighty so, I'm pretty sure I suffer from anxiety for a very long time. I mean, years. Have I tried to tell my parents? Oh yeah, multiple times. My dad's always like "Back in my day we didn't have depression and anxiety" or "It's like the school system is telling you to be depressed". Honestly, he isn't too wrong about the latter, but sometimes depression starts at home. I even told him that and he gave me this look, like, "Are you tryna blame me?" And honestly, I kinda can. I mean, whenever I told my dad and mom back in sixth grade that I had attempted suicide over 5 times in multiple ways, they shrugged it off and were like "It's a phase". Literally, I wanted to kill myself and came closer because I wanted to get a point across. Then I got my prescription for glasses, and hoooo boy, that was one hell of a ride. Now, I knew that I needed glasses for a very VERY long time. Like, my school would send letters asking my parents to let me see an optometrist of some sort. But I finally got my prescription for glasses and. My. Parents. Flipped.

Literally lost all their shit, like. They say that if I wear glasses I "don't look normal" and that "my kids are gonna have to wear glasses and they're gonna hate me for tbe rest of my life". And honestly? That fucking broke me into a million pieces, because basically my parents were calling me a freak for something I didn't have control over.

Then I try to come out to my mom ad bisexual (I used to be bi) and she was like "Oh you're just confused" and "It's a phase, it'll pass" So yeah, I just love getting my feelings rejected by my own mother. Woop woop.

Seventh grade, I got sexually harrassed by a childhood friend. When I told my mom, she was like "oh im sorry" And hugged me and was kinda awkward about it. So then she told me dad and older brother and they told me to tell the principal. I just, i just needed someone to hug me and tell me everything was gonna be okay. I needed someone else to do the talking because i didnt feel brave enough to tell me principal. So, they send me to school like any normal day as if nothing happened. Externally i looked dead and numb, while internally i was screaming in pain, betrayal, and just. Many more more bad emotions. I told my vice principal (who was my gym teacher) and she promised to help me. And she did, the boy got in school suspension. I remember the day i told her, i didnt cry. But my voice was dead and my eyes were lifeless. Mostly because i hadnt gotten a wink of sleep that night. My family moved on as if nothing happened meanwhile i was left to deal with all that emotional shit by myself because i didnt know anyone who had been through someone like that. And my parents didnt know what to do either so they were like "eh she can deal with it herself".

Then enter eighth grade. I finally told my ELA teacher (whom I love very much and I am forever thankful to) that i was suffering through depression. I had started cutting in eighth grade, i used scissors. I basically told her everything that happened up above and some other stuff. My hands started shaking and i started crying because i never realized how much that had really hurt me until i said it out loud. I will never forget the look on her face. She looked really sad and shocked. You see, im a pretty decent student. I keep my grades up, am a good athlete, im pretty smart, and i stay outta trouble. And im also known as a quiet kid since i dont speak much except to my friends. So i kinds guess thats why she was shocked. After i finished, she hugged me really tight and said, "Sh, everything's gonna be alright. I'm so glad you told me this" And i cannot express how that made me feel. It made me feel heard, it made me feel loved. And i hugged back and kept crying. She then took me to the counslers and was there with me and helped me talk to her. I haf basketball so we walked down to the girls locker room and she hugged me one last time, "im so glad you told me this Jenny" And i hugged back them went to change. It was empty with other girl's stuff because practice had began like 30 minutes ago. I remember i started crying, but not because i was sad, i was happy. I was, extremely happy. I finally told someone and they listened and they are helping me. I quickly wiped away my tears and got changed and sprinted to the gym for practice.

Time skip, i see a therapist and my parents are finally understanding a bit better. But they mostly still think it's all in my head. My dad had the audacity of telling me, "Hey the therapist isnt cheap so like. Could you try to have less anxiety?" And honestly? That felt like a slap to the face. In my head i was like "bitch what. Did i hear right??? DID HE JUST ASK ME TO HAVE LESS ANXIETY????" and externally i was like, "um, its pretty hard to have less anxiety when ive bern dealing with it for years" And he kinda gave me this glare and turned away. I felt hurt (yet again) and so i didnt say anything else. My teacher was the only one who truly understood me. Somedays, i would skip classes to go to the counslers office because i wasnt emotionally or mentally good. ELA was my last core class of the day, so one day i go back to class. That day i had skipped my first, second, and fourth period (i had gym my third period). Then when i entered class her face seemed to light up. She was walking around, tslking about the lesson of the day. She was writing something down, then when she passed my desk she left a sticky note. I discretely grabbed it and when i looked at what it said i felt like crying. She wrote on it, "I'm so glad you're here today! ❤" And drew a heart.

This gets better.

Okay, so its the end of the year and i finally had figured out i was genderfluid. I really really really wanted to tell my ELA teacher because she is basically the only adult i trust enough. So, we went to the library one day to return our books. I was known as a bookworm and i came to the library often during the week so the librarian knew me well enough. My teacher was at the desk typing some stuff in, then i came up to her with my school agenda and pencil in hand. I told her i needed to talk to her. Then i wrote down, "I'm pansexual, demisexual, and genderfluid" She read it and gave me the biggest smile, "that's amazing to hear! You're part of such a great and beautiful community." My teacher has a part time job in the weekend as photographer. She told me she was a photographer for a gay wedding (one of the groom's later came out as trans) and i felt so happy and proud. I couldnt erase my smile off my face and like, ahhhhhhhhhh.

So, moral of this rant, please dont commit suicide. Dont think that life doesnt get better, because it does. I went from suicidal everyday to being constantly and truly happy. I am forever thankful to my teacher, Mrs. Davenport, for showing me that i dont have to go through everything alone and that someone cares. I love you, Mrs. Davenport ❤

Anywho, if anyone ever needs to talk about something, im always here and ready to listen

I hope you sll have a great day/night/afternoon

Signing off,

Jack

#you will be found #depression #depression survivor #anxiety #family #love #lgbt #love yourself #i am strong #i am loved #i am not alone #you are not alone #you are loved #you are strong

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ohkimani · 8 years ago

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(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him.

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though.

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things.

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up.

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

#p #ignore me #t&a #a #i think ive dated too many ppl but it's fine

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transssexualheart · 8 years ago

Note

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll

1- what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpaper?my phone has pictures of my friends and my desktop is still dan avidan i keep forgetting to change it

2- have you ever had a crush on a teacher?no

3- what as your last text message?sent? it was “me too”

4- what do you see yourself doing in ten years?probably dying

5- if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?in someone’s arms

6- what was your coolest halloween costume?uhh probably last years even tho it wasn’t that great bc i made it myself and had a styled wig and everything

7- what was your favorite 90s show?i was not alive in the 90s

8- who was your last kiss?still zee

9- have you ever been stood up?no

10- favorite ice cream flavor?strawberry or cotton candy

11- have you ever been to las vegas?no

12- your favorite pair of shoes?probably my pink ones they’re soft and have tiny one inch platforms

13- honestly, have you ever cheated on a significant other?no

14- what is your favorite fruit?watermelon or strawberry

15- have you ever talked to anyone on tumblr that your could see yourself dating/having sex with? if possible?well i mean one of my exes i met over tumblr so it’s not a wild concept to me but currently i’m not like,,, interested in others

16- are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?long term

17- do you smoke? if so, what?no

18- what do you do to get over your anger?rant about it on this blog or sometimes to a friend i guess

19- do you believe in god?idk man

20- does the person you’re in love with know it?yeah

21- favorite position?sleeping

22- what’s your horoscope sign?leo

23- your fears?being abandoned, myself sometimes, everyone secretly hating me, never being loved, etc

24- how many pets do you have? what kind?three, a cat and two fish

25- what never fails to turn you on?uhhhhhh

26- your idea of a perfect first date?idk uh,, get food maybe hold hands a little

27- what is something most people don’t know about you?idk,, i guess most people don’t know what i look like during a full on breakdown that i’m not trying to disguise

28- what makes you feel the happiest?hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

29- what store do you shop at most often?i dont shop a lot

30- how do you feel about oral? giving and or receiving? never gave or received, both sound good to me tho

31- do you believe in karma?idk

32- are you single?yeah

33- do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize? the best way to apologize is to mean it and not expect forgiveness if you really fucked up and to be genuine and honest and if you do those things it shouldn’t really matter whether you choose flowers or candy

34- are you a good swimmer?i mean,, i won’t drown

35- coffee or tea?tea

36- online shopping or shopping in person?i do both

37- would you rather be older or younger than your current age?i’d prefer to keep my age so i don’t fuck up the timeline of my life thank u very much

38- cats or dogs?how can i choose

39- are you a competitive person?i don’t think so

40- do you believe in aliens?yes

41- do you like dancing?don’t really do it much

42- what kind of music do you listen to?many kinds, mostly anything but country

43- what is your favorite cartoon character?how can i choose just one

44- where are you from?albany

45- eat at home or eat out?eat out

46- how much more social are you when you’re drunk?i’ve never been drunk

47- what was the last thing you bought for yourself?i don’t remember

48- why do you think your followers follow you?idk actually why do u guys follow me

49- how many hours do you sleep at night?it varies, sometimes like ten sometimes none

50- what worries you most about the future?i pretty much rely on the fact that i’ll probably die before it matters but if i don’t die i’ll have no idea what i’m doing

51- if you had a friend that spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?not very, i’m not friends with myself tho so

52- are you happy with yourself?no, never really have been

53- what do you wish you didn’t know?i don’t know

54- what big lesson could people learn from your life?i guess,, not to take people for granted

55- if you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?what

56- what’s your favorite website?i visit this hellsite most often i guess

57- what’s the habit your proudest of breaking?the only habit i could think of that i broke was biting my nails

58- what was your most recent trip of over 50 miles?idk how many miles i travel bc i don’t drive

59- what’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?idk

60- what do you order when you eat chinese food?sweet and sour chicken and white rice

61- if you had to be names after one of the fifty states what would it be?no

62- if you had to teach a subject to a class, what would it be?alright so there are three things that i feel like i’m able to do well those three things are draw, write, and play pokemon and i’m a failure at everything else i do so probably an art class or creative writing class

63- favorite kind of chips?i like doritos

64- favorite kind of sandwich?grilled cheese

65- which do you use more often, dictionary or thesaurus?dictionary

66- have you ever been stung by a bee?yeah, only once, and i have a history of not fucking eating for whole days and that was one of those days and i guess the sting just triggered the dehydration and all that and i got really dizzy and my legs gave out and my mom had to carry me home

67- what’s your favorite form of exercise?my what now

68- are you afraid of heights?more afraid of what i’d do to myself than the height itself

69- what’s the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?eight grade science, i had a bunch of friends in that class and we hated the teacher at the time and the shit he did and we were constantly like going insane and here’s the main reason: my mom went to school with that teacher and she managed to find a fuckin. story that he wrote in 11th grade and she showed it to me and my god it was so bad and the main character was such a self insert and i was like “oh my god this is amazing” and you know what i fuckin did? u know what i did? i decided to make c o p i e s of the story so i could bring it into school and show my friends. so i had like ten copies and we gave one to my friend kevin however. we gave it to him DURING science class. so instead of doing his work kevin is sitting back there reading this story and laughing at it and the teacher is like “what are you doing kevin?” and kevin, instead of putting it away and being like “my work”, was like “oh i’m reading your 11th grade story” and at this point i’m like “oh fuck” and then the teacher asked where he got it and he points to me and i’m like “OH FUCK” so he comes over and asks where i got it and i’m like “surprise my mom went to school with you” and he’s like “i haven’t seen this story in years” and guess who’s like “DO U WANT A COPY” and reaches over me and into my backpack to pull out a fuckin copied version :^) anyway that day was wild some girl i never talk to who didn’t even know my dead name let alone my actual name came up to me asking for a copy

70- what’s your favorite breakfast?pancakes or waffles

71- do you like guacamole?no

72- have you ever been in a physical fight?no

73- what/who are you thinking about right now?um

74- do you like cuddling?yes

75- are you holding onto something you need to let go of?can we not have this conversation over tumblr’s ask system thanks

76- have you ever experienced one of your biggest fears?i live with myself every day lmao

77- favorite city you’ve been to?nyc!!

78- would you break the law to save a family member?probably

79- talk about an embarrassing moment?me, as a person

80- are there any causes you strongly believe in?idk

81- what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?not sure

82- fav day of the week?none

83- do you consider yourself sexually open minded?idk what that means

84- how do you feel about porn?i don’t watch it really, but if that’s your thing then it’s your thing

85- which living celebrity would you like to know?idk

86- who was your hottest ex?it’s hard for me to like,, determine that because my sexual attraction to someone usually isn’t there until i start liking them romantically (in most cases, there’s people i never liked romatically but found attractive or people i found attractive before i liked them but that’s not the case with anyone i actually dated) and it disappears when i don’t like them romantically anymore so ???? also rude question especially considering at least two of my exes follow me here

87- do you want/have kids?don’t have them, might have them but that’s dependent on whether or not my partner is able to take care of kids i’m not gonna have kids if i know that my partner can’t be a good parent to them. also still not sure if i want them myself

88- has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you?no

89- do you get easily distracted?hell yeah

90- ass or titties?why… choose…..

91- what is your favorite word?to use in writing, probably “gentle”. to use in speech, probably “fuckin”

92- how do you feel about tattoos?i want a lot, i have two

93- do you have any pets?this was already a question?

94- how tall are you? 5′5

95- how old are you?14

96- 3 physical features you get complimented on a lot?i don’t get complimented on specifics, the most i get it usually like “you look nice today” or sometimes ppl say they like my makeup but that’s not a physical feature of mine

97- is there anything you’re really passionate about?i love,, the jims and the piano

98- do you have trust issues?idk, i don’t let most people see me cry or see me having a breakdown and i only really trust a few people with most stuff and it’s usually because there was something that happened in the past that allowed them to already know stuff like that and they were good about it and i was like “oh, then they’ll be alright about it and i don’t have to explain myself to them because they already know” but?????

99- do you believe in love at first sight?god no, what if they’re a dick?? u can’t judge a book by it’s cover. also i think that now i’ll have to know someone pretty well to start liking them because of past and current events

100- what are some words that you live by? why? i don’t have a specific quote or anything but. if you love someone tell them. i’ve said this before, and i don’t mean specifically romantically in fact in some cases you should keep that to yourself so no one is made uncomfortable but like. tell your mom or your best friend or your dad or your grandma that you love them because they could be gone real soon or you could be gone real soon and they should know that you love them before that happens

thank u for asking

#ask tag

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missjackil · 8 years ago

Text

The One Who Remembers

After Cas shifted the pain to himself, Sam only saw him occasionally in dreams. Always looking the same, always speaking softly, telling Sam he wasn’t going to fight him, while the words weren’t spoken, Sam knew even as it happened, that he was pleading to die. To just let it be over. Sam remembered how badly he wanted to keep the memories locked away, but he more so wanted this part of him to stop suffering. This actually made killing him easier than killing his soulless self. Putting him down and out of his misery was the easiest kill Sam ever had. The dreams of him weren’t frequent, so Sam just wrote them off as any vivid nightmare he had acquired throughout his life, and never spoke of it or dwelled on it much. However, for some reason, after the insane conditions over the last couple days, Lucifer himself was staying in Sam and Dean’s bunker. along with his Father, Chuck, and the dreams suddenly returned with a vengeance. They weren’t repeats of the normal dream, now his burnt, bloody, tortured self would scream in pain and terror, begging God for help, and Sam awoke in a cold sweat, shivering and nauseous, his throat raw as though he, himself, had been screaming. The bunker was dark and quiet. Dean had not burst through the door, gun in hand, as if reacting to Sam screaming in the night, so Sam was sure the screams weren’t audible. He went to the sink to splash water on his face, pausing to let a round of dry heaves work its way through his system, and he let the warm air of his room fill his now over exerted lungs until the shaking stopped. He needed a drink. Whether it would be a beer, a shot of Johnny Walker, or hot tea with honey and ginger, wouldn’t be decided till he got to the kitchen. Lucifer was locked safely in the dungeon, even though Chuck assured Sam and Dean that he was completely powerless and couldn’t harm them if he wanted to, they didn’t want to take any chances, Powerless or not, Sam knew he was there. He could feel him in the air, and could swear he could hear him taunting “Saaaam? Sammy? C’mon bunk buddy, hang out with me like we used to. Want to talk about old times? Hey! I know, how about a nice game of spin the bottle? Maybe Twister? I promise I wont cheat this time HAHAHA!!” Sam knew it was impossible, so he shoved the thought away and concentrated on the sound’s coming from Dean’s laptop in the war room. A basketball game. It must be a repeat since it was nearly 3am. This is good, he’ll watch videos with Dean and have a drink or 2 to calm his nerves. When he got to the war room, expecting to see his brother in the “dead guy” robe and about 6 beers into a good buzz, he saw Chuck instead. Maybe he would actually be better company right now. Sam knew he could talk to Chuck about anything, he always did, the only difference now was that he could see him face to face, and get an immediate response if he needed one. “Hey Sam!” Chuck said, just as Sam crossed the threshold into the war room. “You had a terrible dream didn’t you?” Chuck didnt even make eye contact, but slid a piping hot cup of tea in front of a chair next to him, encouraging Sam to sit for a while. Sam smiled, and sat without hesitation “Yeah Chuck, I did” he took a sip and let it warm the ache in his throat “but I um, I dont think it was a dream.” Chuck shut the laptop and turned to Sam with full attention. “Want to tell me about it?” Sam sipped again and cleared his throat. Maybe talking face to face with God was harder than he thought. A nervous smile came across Sam’s lips as he stared shyly into the cup of tea, as if it held more answers than the Creator of the Universe that sat beside him. “I know you know I spent time… downstairs. In Hell. In Lucifer’s cage.” Chuck nodded, “And you’re anxious because Lucifer is here? I can’t make you trust me Sam, that’s a choice all your own, but I promise you he can’t….” “No no no, Chuck, its not that” Sam cut off “I trust you, I do… i always have, but Ive been well, seeing things.” Chuck sat straight, drawing just a little closer into Sam’s space, nearly forcing him to make eye contact. Sam’s shoulder’s dropped, in reverent surrender. “When the wall crumbled, I went unconscious, and I couldn’t wake up until I killed my symbolic pieces, and absorbed their memories. Of things I’d done when I had no soul, and ummm everything that happened in Hell.” Sam swallowed hard and broke eye contact with Chuck, but Chuck stayed focused. “Tell me what that was like” Sam shifted in his chair and rubbed his face. “It was hard, sort of. I literally had to kill myself, twice. Just so I could put myself back together. But, my last piece, the piece that remembered Hell.. it wasn’t hard to put him down. He wanted it. I hurt for him so bad, that it felt merciful to me, to put him out of his misery. But now, I saw him in my dream, screaming, and begging for help. Begging YOU for help.” Sam’s throat grew tight. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, or grief, or just plain sadness. His eyes welled, and he tried for a moment to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t help it. “I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t help, is what I’m saying.” Chuck sat back and crossed his arms. “I did help Sam. I put Cas back together and gave him the power to pull you out. I can’t honestly tell you why your soul was left behind, that’s something you need to ask Cas about, but I steered your brother in the direction to get your soul out and told Death to help him. I still give all of you free will, so I put my hands in much more with you guys than I have for anyone for thousands of years, the time it took you all to figure out the right paths were on the three of you.” Sam was speechless. Half happy to have some blanks filled in, but half mortified that he may have offended God to his face. He looked up at Chuck “Im sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn’t mean to accuse you of….” Chuck held a hand up for Sam to stop apologizing. “It’s okay Sam, really. Ive heard worse from the Archangels. I want to know what has you worried right now.” Worried. Is that what this was? Yes…. Yes! Sam realized for the first time, he wasn’t scared, or grieving, he was worried. “Im worried Chuck…. that I made the wrong call with him, or me as it was.” Another tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped his face again. “Im worried I shouldn’t have killed him. Maybe I could have helped him.” Guilt flooded over Sam like a dam broke in his soul. He didn’t put this part of himself out of his misery, he just ended it. The pain may not be increasing, but it wasn’t gone. It was like taking someone out of a fire but not helping them with the burns. He knew now that his soul didn’t simply need to be brought out of Hell, it needed to heal. Something he was never able to do. Was it even possible? Where would someone even begin to heal themselves after centuries of brutal torture? Sam buried his face in his hands. How did he miss it? He was always the first one to see if a victim needed help after a possession or a monster attack. He would make sure they got to a Doctor if they needed one, or he would recommend they find someone to talk to, and would offer his own phone number if they felt he could help. But somehow, with himself, he didn’t even bother. He would think “I’m alive, I look and feel healthy, I love, and I am loved. I can still help other people, so I’m just fine. A lot of people have it worse.” Chuck let Sam cry for a while. He knew it was luxury Sam rarely gave to himself, and not even once had he cried about the pain he had suffered in Hell, once he was out and intact. It wasn’t until Sam spoke through his sobs “Im so sorry, it was my fault. I could have helped but I didn’t. I was selfish wanting to come back so fast.” Chuck grabbed Sam’s hands roughly. “Now Sam, STOP! It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know then. You didn’t know you would get through it alive, let alone be capable of healing yourself.” Sam met Chuck’s eyes again “What can I do now?” Chuck smiled “Whatever you want. What would you like to do?” Sam thought for a moment. “I want to go back. Can I go back and talk to him, or umm me again?” Chuck winked and touched Sam’s forehead. Instantly, Sam was out. Once again, Sam entered the room. It was Bobby’s house. Dark and only lit by candles. White sheets draped over the furniture. Sam could even smell the Old Spice and whiskey like he did that day he first met him. The only difference now was that Sam was 5 years older, and completely unarmed. He knew he was there, his bloody, broken self. He could smell him. Burnt flesh, singed hair, dried blood, sweat, and fear. Not strong enough to overwhelm him, but just enough that the memories came back to the front of his mind in detail. A smell that was around himself for 180 years. Sam walked cautiously through the room, remembering this part of himself had a blade. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t use it, but still mildly regretted coming unarmed. Then he saw him, once again sitting at the table with his head down and hair hanging in matted strands over his face. “Hey, um Sam? It’s me, or, us, the living part.” Sam could see in the candle light, this figure stand up. “Why are you here?” Sam held up his hands to show him he had no weapon, and said “I need to talk to you. I want to help.” He could see himself walking around the table towards him. His face was more visible, but barely recognizable. When finally stood within inches, he lowered his head as if a last effort to hide the pain from this older, (yet younger) healthy man in front of him. “You can’t help me Sam. Just kill me, put me out of my misery” “No, that’s where we were wrong the first time.” Sam reached out and touched him on the shoulder, but the weakened, damaged man flinched against his touch. It must have hurt him, or maybe he didn’t know touching doesn’t have to hurt. “Im sorry” Sam said while pulling his hand away. “Here, come sit.” They both sat after Sam adjusted the sheet over the couch to be more comfortable. “I can help you okay? I don’t need to kill you to stop the suffering, I need to heal you. Then I can be whole again, and you, and I, will heal. Will you trust me?” “What choice do I have?” Things began to be more clear now. This poor, mangled creature thought he had no choice but accept whatever pain or grief was bestowed on him. As something he couldn’t control or maybe even felt he deserved. Now Sam knew where to start. “First off I want you to know we made it. We made it out alive, and though there were some really rough patches, things got better. WE got better.” Broken Sam let his eyes look over himself 5 years after their first meeting “Yeah, Id say you look a lot better than I do.” And Sam could see a hint of a smile on his lips. Sam couldn’t help but smile himself. he’d have to admit that he was actually pretty pleased with his body at 32 years old. He attributed that to eating healthy when he could but never denying himself pizza or a juicy cheeseburger when he wanted them. He hadn’t had so much as a cold in 5 years, not counting the side effects from The Trials. “We, or I, have made so many choices in my life, that have brought me to where I am now. There’s been some very poor ones, sometimes people got hurt, people I love and care about, but some were very good choices, and saved a lot of people, though, the most important one, where we somehow saved the world, is the one that actually got us here, where we both are right now. “ Sam could see the guilt come across the face of his tortured self. “So, this, is our fault right?” Sam thought for a moment, thats not what he was trying to say at all “No, this wasnt our fault. We broke Lucifer out of his cage, yes, that was a very bad choice, but saving the world afterward was not. That was the best choice. What Lucifer did to us, was HIS doing. Not ours. His choices and his alone.” At that Sam saw it. A light shine behind tortured Sam’s eyes, and he could see his skin begin to regain color. This is where the healing starts! “Touch me!” Sam said placing the hand of his broken soul on his heart. He looked confused. “See?!” Sam said, with a new found excitement “I’m alive, and healthy, WE are out, WE survived. Can you feel it?” Sam could see that he could. He could feel his heart, pounding away in his chest as it made more light come from behind battered Sam’s eyes. Sam watched him take in a few long deep breaths, as though he hadn’t breathed in ages and it brought more color to his skin, as streaks like faded claw marks began to disappear from his arms. “I can feel it” he said finally. “I can breathe and it doesn’t burn! It doesn’t hurt, or stink, it feels…. good” He said with an actual smile. A smile of sheer relief, and Sam could see himself 5 years ago begin to emerge from under the scars. “This is good!” Sam felt his skin become tingly and static charged. He was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “Now, keep breathing, keep filling your lungs with air and know that it’s life okay? We lived, we are alive. We aren’t perfect by a long shot, but we do good. He tried to destroy us but he didnt. We can still fight for whats right, and still love and be loved back!” Sam’s tortured soul was clearly recognizable as himself at 27 when he overpowered the Devil himself and jumped into the pit, but something in his face was wrong. Something still unrecognizable. “ What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?” “No” he said “I just dont remember what love is. What it feels like.” Sam felt his heart break. Even through the worst parts of his life, even when he thought he hated Dean or his father, or even his mother once or twice, for bringing the hunter’s life into the family, he knew he never stopped loving them. Even more recently when he and Dean had nearly killed each other on a couple occasions, he loved his brother, and even when Dean was a demon, he knew deep inside he loved him and that would be the real reason he came back, but this poor boy, just spent 180 yrs of furious hate and violence, that it managed to erase love from his memory. “I can show you. Will you let me?” “Yes.” Sam had to admit to himself that this was probably the strangest experience of his life, and that was a pretty high bar, but it felt right. It felt like the only way this part of his soul would finally feel peace. “Can I touch you?” He asked “Yes, just please don’t hurt me.” A twinge of pain hit Sam in the heart, but he could honestly answer “I promise I wont. And you can stop me at any time.” A trusting nod was returned. “Love feels like this.” Sam said, as he touched his hair. No longer matted and blood stained. Soft and smooth, his right hand cupping his jaw which until a few minutes ago was smeared with blood. Sam felt this piece of him becoming warm under his touch. Placing a hand around Sam’s wrist as if to close a connection and maybe even to feel as though he could pull away if he wanted to. But he didnt. Sam moved in closer to him, and just wrapped his long strong arms around him. Pulling him into his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “This is what safety feels like.” Both Sams were silent. Sam didn’t rush anything. They literally had all the time in the world, and he would give himself whatever he needed. From the way he felt him, as he finally wrapped his arms around Sam’s back, he knew this was something he needed, and he kissed the top of his head, closed his eyes and smiled. “Are we okay?” Sam asked after several minutes of silence. “I think so.” He answered “But, how can I be sure you’re real and not one of Lucifer’s tricks?” Sam was stumped for a minute. He remembered this feeling all too well when he had a hard time determining what was real and what was a hallucination. He remembered what Dean had told him about Hell, and how the pain was different. Feeling the pain from the real world helped him focus more on what was real, but he couldnt possibly cause this man any more pain. Then Sam remembered that sometimes Lucifer would trick him with pleasure. Making him think for a moment he felt good and then he would instantaneously be hanging from hooks in his face. That pleasure he felt though, was different than pleasure topside. It was more like a drug induced pleasure, than a real human feeling. He could show his soul real pleasure. “I remember the tricks he played to make me think I was happy for a moment and then steal it away from me. It felt real in the moment, but it felt superficial, only on the surface. It didn’t feel like this.” Sam pulled back away, just far enough to look into his eyes. To connect with him on level that they would both feel on the inside. He held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes until he saw life begin to sparkle in them. It may have been enhanced by the surrounding candle light, but they burned with hope. Sam closed his own eyes and pressed his lips to his temple, along his ear and to his lips. Soft with closed mouth, he stayed for just a second or two before he felt those other lips part and invite his tongue inside. It was beautiful. Sam couldnt deny it. It might have been the best kiss hes ever given or received and he knew his counterpart felt it too. They were connected now, and everything one felt, so did the other. It was more than intense, it was epic. Sam could tell by each touch what he needed, what he craved and feelings of true, honest, pure pleasure grew like vines from the soles of his feet to the hair on his head. They both needed to feel each others bare skin surround them. Sam wasnt exactly sure how or when their clothes wound up in a pile on the floor, but it was a dream right? No, he was sure he wasn’t in the real world, but this was definitely something real. Sam laid along side himself at 27. Admired his own body even then. strong, muscular, maybe a little less hair in some places, and maybe a little more in others, but for the first time in his life, he realized he is beautiful. Not just attractive, or a 7 and a half, but actually beautiful. He let his hands and lips explore himself, as he also returned the admiration of his future body. It was confusing, but amazing at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make love to him, himself. And he did. Everything one felt, so did the other, so every movement was perfectly in line. When slowing down was best, when speeding up was better, and when they came simultaneously, it was nothing less than perfect. He felt everything in his body and soul release pressure like a volcano, and then it was calm. Both Sams were silent. Sam awoke in his room. Sore and exhausted, but peaceful. He felt like he had slept for 3 days but the clock on his phone said just 7 hours. He was thirsty and starving, but was happy to smell bacon and pancakes cooking. Maybe it was a dream after all? He didn’t think so, he really felt like the healing actually began and a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. He made a promise to himself that whenever he felt that pain well up in his soul again, he would go back and visit his new friend. The most important person he’s saved yet to date… Himself.

#supernatural #samcest #sam and chuck #hell!sam #sam and hell #sam and heaing #sam winchester #some sam love #hurt!sam #sam and comfort

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missjackil · 8 years ago

Text

The One Who Remembers

The first time Sam saw him, it was just after the Hell hallucinations started. It was only a glimpse, just out of site from his peripheral view, so he quickly forgot about it when he first encountered the memories of the meat hooks. Soon after, Sam would see him more clearly, sometimes standing, sometimes kneeling, and more often, just curled in the fetal position on the floor. Sam knew who he was, once he saw his bloody, broken face. It was himself, the one he met and killed when the wall in his head crumbled. It was the part of him who remembered Hell. After Cas shifted the pain to himself, Sam only saw him occasionally in dreams. Always looking the same, always speaking softly, telling Sam he wasn’t going to fight him, while the words weren’t spoken, Sam knew even as it happened, that he was pleading to die. To just let it be over. Sam remembered how badly he wanted to keep the memories locked away, but he more so wanted this part of him to stop suffering. This actually made killing him easier than killing his soulless self. Putting him down and out of his misery was the easiest kill Sam ever had. The dreams of him weren’t frequent, so Sam just wrote them off as any vivid nightmare he had acquired throughout his life, and never spoke of it or dwelled on it much. However, for some reason, after the insane conditions over the last couple days, Lucifer himself was staying in Sam and Dean’s bunker. along with his Father, Chuck, and the dreams suddenly returned with a vengeance. They weren’t repeats of the normal dream, now his burnt, bloody, tortured self would scream in pain and terror, begging God for help, and Sam awoke in a cold sweat, shivering and nauseous, his throat raw as though he, himself, had been screaming. The bunker was dark and quiet. Dean had not burst through the door, gun in hand, as if reacting to Sam screaming in the night, so Sam was sure the screams weren’t audible. He went to the sink to splash water on his face, pausing to let a round of dry heaves work its way through his system, and he let the warm air of his room fill his now over exerted lungs until the shaking stopped. He needed a drink. Whether it would be a beer, a shot of Johnny Walker, or hot tea with honey and ginger, wouldn’t be decided till he got to the kitchen. Lucifer was locked safely in the dungeon, even though Chuck assured Sam and Dean that he was completely powerless and couldn’t harm them if he wanted to, they didn’t want to take any chances, Powerless or not, Sam knew he was there. He could feel him in the air, and could swear he could hear him taunting “Saaaam? Sammy? C’mon bunk buddy, hang out with me like we used to. Want to talk about old times? Hey! I know, how about a nice game of spin the bottle? Maybe Twister? I promise I wont cheat this time HAHAHA!!” Sam knew it was impossible, so he shoved the thought away and concentrated on the sound’s coming from Dean’s laptop in the war room. A basketball game. It must be a repeat since it was nearly 3am. This is good, he’ll watch videos with Dean and have a drink or 2 to calm his nerves. When he got to the war room, expecting to see his brother in the “dead guy” robe and about 6 beers into a good buzz, he saw Chuck instead. Maybe he would actually be better company right now. Sam knew he could talk to Chuck about anything, he always did, the only difference now was that he could see him face to face, and get an immediate response if he needed one. “Hey Sam!” Chuck said, just as Sam crossed the threshold into the war room. “You had a terrible dream didn’t you?” Chuck didnt even make eye contact, but slid a piping hot cup of tea in front of a chair next to him, encouraging Sam to sit for a while. Sam smiled, and sat without hesitation “Yeah Chuck, I did” he took a sip and let it warm the ache in his throat “but I um, I dont think it was a dream.” Chuck shut the laptop and turned to Sam with full attention. “Want to tell me about it?” Sam sipped again and cleared his throat. Maybe talking face to face with God was harder than he thought. A nervous smile came across Sam’s lips as he stared shyly into the cup of tea, as if it held more answers than the Creator of the Universe that sat beside him. “I know you know I spent time… downstairs. In Hell. In Lucifer’s cage.” Chuck nodded, “And you’re anxious because Lucifer is here? I can’t make you trust me Sam, that’s a choice all your own, but I promise you he can’t….” “No no no, Chuck, its not that” Sam cut off “I trust you, I do… i always have, but Ive been well, seeing things.” Chuck sat straight, drawing just a little closer into Sam’s space, nearly forcing him to make eye contact. Sam’s shoulder’s dropped, in reverent surrender. “When the wall crumbled, I went unconscious, and I couldn’t wake up until I killed my symbolic pieces, and absorbed their memories. Of things I’d done when I had no soul, and ummm everything that happened in Hell.” Sam swallowed hard and broke eye contact with Chuck, but Chuck stayed focused. “Tell me what that was like” Sam shifted in his chair and rubbed his face. “It was hard, sort of. I literally had to kill myself, twice. Just so I could put myself back together. But, my last piece, the piece that remembered Hell.. it wasn’t hard to put him down. He wanted it. I hurt for him so bad, that it felt merciful to me, to put him out of his misery. But now, I saw him in my dream, screaming, and begging for help. Begging YOU for help.” Sam’s throat grew tight. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, or grief, or just plain sadness. His eyes welled, and he tried for a moment to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t help it. “I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t help, is what I’m saying.” Chuck sat back and crossed his arms. “I did help Sam. I put Cas back together and gave him the power to pull you out. I can’t honestly tell you why your soul was left behind, that’s something you need to ask Cas about, but I steered your brother in the direction to get your soul out and told Death to help him. I still give all of you free will, so I put my hands in much more with you guys than I have for anyone for thousands of years, the time it took you all to figure out the right paths were on the three of you.” Sam was speechless. Half happy to have some blanks filled in, but half mortified that he may have offended God to his face. He looked up at Chuck “Im sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn’t mean to accuse you of….” Chuck held a hand up for Sam to stop apologizing. “It’s okay Sam, really. Ive heard worse from the Archangels. I want to know what has you worried right now.” Worried. Is that what this was? Yes…. Yes! Sam realized for the first time, he wasn’t scared, or grieving, he was worried. “Im worried Chuck…. that I made the wrong call with him, or me as it was.” Another tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped his face again. “Im worried I shouldn’t have killed him. Maybe I could have helped him.” Guilt flooded over Sam like a dam broke in his soul. He didn’t put this part of himself out of his misery, he just ended it. The pain may not be increasing, but it wasn’t gone. It was like taking someone out of a fire but not helping them with the burns. He knew now that his soul didn’t simply need to be brought out of Hell, it needed to heal. Something he was never able to do. Was it even possible? Where would someone even begin to heal themselves after centuries of brutal torture? Sam buried his face in his hands. How did he miss it? He was always the first one to see if a victim needed help after a possession or a monster attack. He would make sure they got to a Doctor if they needed one, or he would recommend they find someone to talk to, and would offer his own phone number if they felt he could help. But somehow, with himself, he didn’t even bother. He would think “I’m alive, I look and feel healthy, I love, and I am loved. I can still help other people, so I’m just fine. A lot of people have it worse.” Chuck let Sam cry for a while. He knew it was luxury Sam rarely gave to himself, and not even once had he cried about the pain he had suffered in Hell, once he was out and intact. It wasn’t until Sam spoke through his sobs “Im so sorry, it was my fault. I could have helped but I didn’t. I was selfish wanting to come back so fast.” Chuck grabbed Sam’s hands roughly. “Now Sam, STOP! It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know then. You didn’t know you would get through it alive, let alone be capable of healing yourself.” Sam met Chuck’s eyes again “What can I do now?” Chuck smiled “Whatever you want. What would you like to do?” Sam thought for a moment. “I want to go back. Can I go back and talk to him, or umm me again?” Chuck winked and touched Sam’s forehead. Instantly, Sam was out. Once again, Sam entered the room. It was Bobby’s house. Dark and only lit by candles. White sheets draped over the furniture. Sam could even smell the Old Spice and whiskey like he did that day he first met him. The only difference now was that Sam was 5 years older, and completely unarmed. He knew he was there, his bloody, broken self. He could smell him. Burnt flesh, singed hair, dried blood, sweat, and fear. Not strong enough to overwhelm him, but just enough that the memories came back to the front of his mind in detail. A smell that was around himself for 180 years. Sam walked cautiously through the room, remembering this part of himself had a blade. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t use it, but still mildly regretted coming unarmed. Then he saw him, once again sitting at the table with his head down and hair hanging in matted strands over his face. “Hey, um Sam? It’s me, or, us, the living part.” Sam could see in the candle light, this figure stand up. “Why are you here?” Sam held up his hands to show him he had no weapon, and said “I need to talk to you. I want to help.” He could see himself walking around the table towards him. His face was more visible, but barely recognizable. When finally stood within inches, he lowered his head as if a last effort to hide the pain from this older, (yet younger) healthy man in front of him. “You can’t help me Sam. Just kill me, put me out of my misery” “No, that’s where we were wrong the first time.” Sam reached out and touched him on the shoulder, but the weakened, damaged man flinched against his touch. It must have hurt him, or maybe he didn’t know touching doesn’t have to hurt. “Im sorry” Sam said while pulling his hand away. “Here, come sit.” They both sat after Sam adjusted the sheet over the couch to be more comfortable. “I can help you okay? I don’t need to kill you to stop the suffering, I need to heal you. Then I can be whole again, and you, and I, will heal. Will you trust me?” “What choice do I have?” Things began to be more clear now. This poor, mangled creature thought he had no choice but accept whatever pain or grief was bestowed on him. As something he couldn’t control or maybe even felt he deserved. Now Sam knew where to start. “First off I want you to know we made it. We made it out alive, and though there were some really rough patches, things got better. WE got better.” Broken Sam let his eyes look over himself 5 years after their first meeting “Yeah, Id say you look a lot better than I do.” And Sam could see a hint of a smile on his lips. Sam couldn’t help but smile himself. he’d have to admit that he was actually pretty pleased with his body at 32 years old. He attributed that to eating healthy when he could but never denying himself pizza or a juicy cheeseburger when he wanted them. He hadn’t had so much as a cold in 5 years, not counting the side effects from The Trials. “We, or I, have made so many choices in my life, that have brought me to where I am now. There’s been some very poor ones, sometimes people got hurt, people I love and care about, but some were very good choices, and saved a lot of people, though, the most important one, where we somehow saved the world, is the one that actually got us here, where we both are right now. “ Sam could see the guilt come across the face of his tortured self. “So, this, is our fault right?” Sam thought for a moment, thats not what he was trying to say at all “No, this wasnt our fault. We broke Lucifer out of his cage, yes, that was a very bad choice, but saving the world afterward was not. That was the best choice. What Lucifer did to us, was HIS doing. Not ours. His choices and his alone.” At that Sam saw it. A light shine behind tortured Sam’s eyes, and he could see his skin begin to regain color. This is where the healing starts! “Touch me!” Sam said placing the hand of his broken soul on his heart. He looked confused. “See?!” Sam said, with a new found excitement “I’m alive, and healthy, WE are out, WE survived. Can you feel it?” Sam could see that he could. He could feel his heart, pounding away in his chest as it made more light come from behind battered Sam’s eyes. Sam watched him take in a few long deep breaths, as though he hadn’t breathed in ages and it brought more color to his skin, as streaks like faded claw marks began to disappear from his arms. “I can feel it” he said finally. “I can breathe and it doesn’t burn! It doesn’t hurt, or stink, it feels…. good” He said with an actual smile. A smile of sheer relief, and Sam could see himself 5 years ago begin to emerge from under the scars. “This is good!” Sam felt his skin become tingly and static charged. He was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “Now, keep breathing, keep filling your lungs with air and know that it’s life okay? We lived, we are alive. We aren’t perfect by a long shot, but we do good. He tried to destroy us but he didnt. We can still fight for whats right, and still love and be loved back!” Sam’s tortured soul was clearly recognizable as himself at 27 when he overpowered the Devil himself and jumped into the pit, but something in his face was wrong. Something still unrecognizable. “ What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?” “No” he said “I just dont remember what love is. What it feels like.” Sam felt his heart break. Even through the worst parts of his life, even when he thought he hated Dean or his father, or even his mother once or twice, for bringing the hunter’s life into the family, he knew he never stopped loving them. Even more recently when he and Dean had nearly killed each other on a couple occasions, he loved his brother, and even when Dean was a demon, he knew deep inside he loved him and that would be the real reason he came back, but this poor boy, just spent 180 yrs of furious hate and violence, that it managed to erase love from his memory. “I can show you. Will you let me?” “Yes.” Sam had to admit to himself that this was probably the strangest experience of his life, and that was a pretty high bar, but it felt right. It felt like the only way this part of his soul would finally feel peace. “Can I touch you?” He asked “Yes, just please don’t hurt me.” A twinge of pain hit Sam in the heart, but he could honestly answer “I promise I wont. And you can stop me at any time.” A trusting nod was returned. “Love feels like this.” Sam said, as he touched his hair. No longer matted and blood stained. Soft and smooth, his right hand cupping his jaw which until a few minutes ago was smeared with blood. Sam felt this piece of him becoming warm under his touch. Placing a hand around Sam’s wrist as if to close a connection and maybe even to feel as though he could pull away if he wanted to. But he didnt. Sam moved in closer to him, and just wrapped his long strong arms around him. Pulling him into his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “This is what safety feels like.” Both Sams were silent. Sam didn’t rush anything. They literally had all the time in the world, and he would give himself whatever he needed. From the way he felt him, as he finally wrapped his arms around Sam’s back, he knew this was something he needed, and he kissed the top of his head, closed his eyes and smiled. “Are we okay?” Sam asked after several minutes of silence. “I think so.” He answered “But, how can I be sure you’re real and not one of Lucifer’s tricks?” Sam was stumped for a minute. He remembered this feeling all too well when he had a hard time determining what was real and what was a hallucination. He remembered what Dean had told him about Hell, and how the pain was different. Feeling the pain from the real world helped him focus more on what was real, but he couldnt possibly cause this man any more pain. Then Sam remembered that sometimes Lucifer would trick him with pleasure. Making him think for a moment he felt good and then he would instantaneously be hanging from hooks in his face. That pleasure he felt though, was different than pleasure topside. It was more like a drug induced pleasure, than a real human feeling. He could show his soul real pleasure. “I remember the tricks he played to make me think I was happy for a moment and then steal it away from me. It felt real in the moment, but it felt superficial, only on the surface. It didn’t feel like this.” Sam pulled back away, just far enough to look into his eyes. To connect with him on level that they would both feel on the inside. He held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes until he saw life begin to sparkle in them. It may have been enhanced by the surrounding candle light, but they burned with hope. Sam closed his own eyes and pressed his lips to his temple, along his ear and to his lips. Soft with closed mouth, he stayed for just a second or two before he felt those other lips part and invite his tongue inside. It was beautiful. Sam couldnt deny it. It might have been the best kiss hes ever given or received and he knew his counterpart felt it too. They were connected now, and everything one felt, so did the other. It was more than intense, it was epic. Sam could tell by each touch what he needed, what he craved and feelings of true, honest, pure pleasure grew like vines from the soles of his feet to the hair on his head. They both needed to feel each others bare skin surround them. Sam wasnt exactly sure how or when their clothes wound up in a pile on the floor, but it was a dream right? No, he was sure he wasn’t in the real world, but this was definitely something real. Sam laid along side himself at 27. Admired his own body even then. strong, muscular, maybe a little less hair in some places, and maybe a little more in others, but for the first time in his life, he realized he is beautiful. Not just attractive, or a 7 and a half, but actually beautiful. He let his hands and lips explore himself, as he also returned the admiration of his future body. It was confusing, but amazing at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make love to him, himself. And he did. Everything one felt, so did the other, so every movement was perfectly in line. When slowing down was best, when speeding up was better, and when they came simultaneously, it was nothing less than perfect. He felt everything in his body and soul release pressure like a volcano, and then it was calm. Both Sams were silent. Sam awoke in his room. Sore and exhausted, but peaceful. He felt like he had slept for 3 days but the clock on his phone said just 7 hours. He was thirsty and starving, but was happy to smell bacon and pancakes cooking. Maybe it was a dream after all? He didn’t think so, he really felt like the healing actually began and a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. He made a promise to himself that whenever he felt that pain well up in his soul again, he would go back and visit his new friend. The most important person he’s saved yet to date… Himself.

#samcest #sam winchester #love yourself first #hell!sam #healing sam

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missjackil · 8 years ago

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Ayye, for the prompt thing, can I get samcest between Hell!Sam and s11 Sam, during the period where Lucifer is in the bunker? 🙌🏼

The first time Sam saw him, it was just hours after the Hell hallucinations started. It was only a glimpse, just out of site from his peripheral view, that he quickly forgot about it when he first encountered the memories of the meat hooks. Soon after, Sam would see him more clearly, sometimes standing, sometimes kneeling, and more often, just curled in the fetal position on the floor. Sam knew who he was, once he saw his bloody, broken face. It was himself, the one he met and killed when the wall in his head crumbled. It was the part of him who remembered Hell. After Cas shifted the pain to himself, Sam only saw him occasionally in dreams. Always looking the same, always speaking softly, telling Sam he wasn’t going to fight him, while the words weren’t spoken, Sam knew even as it happened, that he was pleading to die. To just let it be over. Sam remembered how badly he wanted to keep the memories locked away, but he more so wanted this part of him to stop suffering. This actually made killing him easier than killing his soulless self. Putting him down and out of his misery was the easiest kill Sam ever had.The dreams of him weren’t frequent, so Sam just wrote them off as any vivid nightmare he had acquired throughout his life, and never spoke of it or dwelled on it much. However, for some reason, after the insane conditions over the last couple days, Lucifer himself was staying in Sam and Dean’s bunker. along with his Father, Chuck, and the dreams suddenly returned with a vengeance. They weren’t repeats of the normal dream, now his burnt, bloody, tortured self would scream in pain and terror, begging God for help, and Sam awoke in a cold sweat, shivering and nauseous, his throat raw as though he, himself, had been screaming. The bunker was dark and quiet. Dean had not burst through the door, gun in hand, as if reacting to Sam screaming in the night, so Sam was sure the screams weren’t audible. He went to the sink to splash water on his face, pausing to let a round of dry heaves work its way through his system, and he let the warm air of his room fill his now over exerted lungs until the shaking stopped. He needed a drink. Whether it would be a beer, a shot of Johnny Walker, or hot tea with honey and ginger, wouldn’t be decided till he got to the kitchen. Lucifer was locked safely in the dungeon, even though Chuck assured Sam and Dean that he was completely powerless and couldn’t harm them if he wanted to, they didn’t want to take any chances, Powerless or not, Sam knew he was there. He could feel him in the air, and could swear he could hear him taunting “Saaaam? Sammy? C’mon bunk buddy, hang out with me like we used to. Want to talk about old times? Hey! I know, how about a nice game of spin the bottle? Maybe Twister? I promise I wont cheat this time HAHAHA!!” Sam knew it was impossible, so he shoved the thought away and concentrated on the sound’s coming from Dean’s laptop in the war room. A basketball game. It must be a repeat since it was nearly 3am. This is good, he’ll watch videos with Dean and have a drink or 2 to calm his nerves. When he got to the war room, expecting to see his brother in the “dead guy” robe and about 6 beers into a good buzz, he saw Chuck instead. Maybe he would actually be better company right now. Sam knew he could talk to Chuck about anything, he always did, the only difference now was that he could see him face to face, and get an immediate response if he needed one. “Hey Sam!” Chuck said, just as Sam crossed the threshold into the war room. “You had a terrible dream didn’t you?” Chuck didnt even make eye contact, but slid a piping hot cup of tea in front of a chair next to him, encouraging Sam to sit for a while. Sam smiled, and sat without hesitation “Yeah Chuck, I did” he took a sip and let it warm the ache in his throat “but I um, I dont think it was a dream.” Chuck shut the laptop and turned to Sam with full attention. “Want to tell me about it?” Sam sipped again and cleared his throat. Maybe talking face to face with God was harder than he thought. A nervous smile came across Sam’s lips as he stared shyly into the cup of tea, as if it held more answers than the Creator of the Universe that sat beside him. “I know you know I spent time… downstairs. In Hell. In Lucifer’s cage.” Chuck nodded, “And you’re anxious because Lucifer is here? I can’t make you trust me Sam, that’s a choice all your own, but I promise you he can’t….” “No no no, Chuck, its not that” Sam cut off “I trust you, I do… i always have, but Ive been well, seeing things.” Chuck sat straight, drawing just a little closer into Sam’s space, nearly forcing him to make eye contact. Sam’s shoulder’s dropped, in reverent surrender. “When the wall crumbled, I went unconscious, and I couldn’t wake up until I killed my symbolic pieces, and absorbed their memories. Of things I’d done when I had no soul, and ummm everything that happened in Hell.” Sam swallowed hard and broke eye contact with Chuck, but Chuck stayed focused. “Tell me what that was like” Sam shifted in his chair and rubbed his face. “It was hard, sort of. I literally had to kill myself, twice. Just so I could put myself back together. But, my last piece, the piece that remembered Hell.. it wasn’t hard to put him down. He wanted it. I hurt for him so bad, that it felt merciful to me, to put him out of his misery. But now, I saw him in my dream, screaming, and begging for help. Begging YOU for help.” Sam’s throat grew tight. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, or grief, or just plain sadness. His eyes welled, and he tried for a moment to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t help it. “I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t help, is what I’m saying.” Chuck sat back and crossed his arms. “I did help Sam. I put Cas back together and gave him the power to pull you out. I can’t honestly tell you why your soul was left behind, that’s something you need to ask Cas about, but I steered your brother in the direction to get your soul out and told Death to help him. I still give all of you free will, so I put my hands in much more with you guys than I have for anyone for thousands of years, the time it took you all to figure out the right paths were on the three of you.”Sam was speechless. Half happy to have some blanks filled in, but half mortified that he may have offended God to his face. He looked up at Chuck “Im sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn’t mean to accuse you of….” Chuck held a hand up for Sam to stop apologizing. “It’s okay Sam, really. Ive heard worse from the Archangels. I want to know what has you worried right now.” Worried. Is that what this was? Yes…. Yes! Sam realized for the first time, he wasn’t scared, or grieving, he was worried. “Im worried Chuck…. that I made the wrong call with him, or me as it was.” Another tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped his face again. “Im worried I shouldn’t have killed him. Maybe I could have helped him.”Guilt flooded over Sam like a dam broke in his soul. He didn’t put this part of himself out of his misery, he just ended it. The pain may not be increasing, but it wasn’t gone. It was like taking someone out of a fire but not helping them with the burns. He knew now that his soul didn’t simply need to be brought out of Hell, it needed to heal. Something he was never able to do. Was it even possible? Where would someone even begin to heal themselves after centuries of brutal torture? Sam buried his face in his hands. How did he miss it? He was always the first one to see if a victim needed help after a possession or a monster attack. He would make sure they got to a Doctor if they needed one, or he would recommend they find someone to talk to, and would offer his own phone number if they felt he could help. But somehow, with himself, he didn’t even bother. He would think “I’m alive, I look and feel healthy, I love, and I am loved. I can still help other people, so I’m just fine. A lot of people have it worse.” Chuck let Sam cry for a while. He knew it was luxury Sam rarely gave to himself, and not even once had he cried about the pain he had suffered in Hell, once he was out and intact. It wasn’t until Sam spoke through his sobs “Im so sorry, it was my fault. I could have helped but I didn’t. I was selfish wanting to come back so fast.” Chuck grabbed Sam’s hands roughly. “Now Sam, STOP! It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know then. You didn’t know you would get through it alive, let alone be capable of healing yourself.” Sam met Chuck’s eyes again “What can I do now?” Chuck smiled “Whatever you want. What would you like to do?” Sam thought for a moment. “I want to go back. Can I go back and talk to him, or umm me again?” Chuck winked and touched Sam’s forehead. Instantly, Sam was out.Once again, Sam entered the room. It was Bobby’s house. Dark and only lit by candles. White sheets draped over the furniture. Sam could even smell the Old Spice and whiskey like he did that day he first met him. The only difference now was that Sam was 5 years older, and completely unarmed. He knew he was there, his bloody, broken self. He could smell him. Burnt flesh, singed hair, dried blood, sweat, and fear. Not strong enough to overwhelm him, but just enough that the memories came back to the front of his mind in detail. A smell that was around himself for 180 years. Sam walked cautiously through the room, remembering this part of himself had a blade. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t use it, but still mildly regretted coming unarmed. Then he saw him, once again sitting at the table with his head down and hair hanging in matted strands over his face. “Hey, um Sam? It’s me, or, us, the living part.” Sam could see in the candle light, this figure stand up. “Why are you here?” Sam held up his hands to show him he had no weapon, and said “I need to talk to you. I want to help.” He could see himself walking around the table towards him. His face was more visible, but barely recognizable. When finally stood within inches, he lowered his head as if a last effort to hide the pain from this older, (yet younger) healthy man in front of him. “You can’t help me Sam. Just kill me, put me out of my misery” “No, that’s where we were wrong the first time.” Sam reached out and touched him on the shoulder, but the weakened, damaged man flinched against his touch. It must have hurt him, or maybe he didn’t know touching doesn’t have to hurt. “Im sorry” Sam said while pulling his hand away. “Here, come sit.” They both sat after Sam adjusted the sheet over the couch to be more comfortable. “I can help you okay? I don’t need to kill you to stop the suffering, I need to heal you. Then I can be whole again, and you, and I, will heal. Will you trust me?” “What choice do I have?” Things began to be more clear now. This poor, mangled creature thought he had no choice but accept whatever pain or grief was bestowed on him. As something he couldn’t control or maybe even felt he deserved. Now Sam knew where to start. “First off I want you to know we made it. We made it out alive, and though there were some really rough patches, things got better. WE got better.” Broken Sam let his eyes look over himself 5 years after their first meeting “Yeah, Id say you look a lot better than I do.” And Sam could see a hint of a smile on his lips. Sam couldn’t help but smile himself. he’d have to admit that he was actually pretty pleased with his body at 32 years old. He attributed that to eating healthy when he could but never denying himself pizza or a juicy cheeseburger when he wanted them. He hadn’t had so much as a cold in 5 years, not counting the side effects from The Trials. “We, or I, have made so many choices in my life, that have brought me to where I am now. There’s been some very poor ones, sometimes people got hurt, people I love and care about, but some were very good choices, and saved a lot of people, though, the most important one, where we somehow saved the world, is the one that actually got us here, where we both are right now. “ Sam could see the guilt come across the face of his tortured self. “So, this, is our fault right?” Sam thought for a moment, thats not what he was trying to say at all “No, this wasnt our fault. We broke Lucifer out of his cage, yes, that was a very bad choice, but saving the world afterward was not. That was the best choice. What Lucifer did to us, was HIS doing. Not ours. His choices and his alone.” At that Sam saw it. A light shine behind tortured Sam’s eyes, and he could see his skin begin to regain color. This is where the healing starts! “Touch me!” Sam said placing the hand of his broken soul on his heart. He looked confused. “See?!” Sam said, with a new found excitement “I’m alive, and healthy, WE are out, WE survived. Can you feel it?” Sam could see that he could. He could feel his heart, pounding away in his chest as it made more light come from behind battered Sam’s eyes. Sam watched him take in a few long deep breaths, as though he hadn’t breathed in ages and it brought more color to his skin, as streaks like faded claw marks began to disappear from his arms. “I can feel it” he said finally. “I can breathe and it doesn’t burn! It doesn’t hurt, or stink, it feels…. good” He said with an actual smile. A smile of sheer relief, and Sam could see himself 5 years ago begin to emerge from under the scars. “This is good!” Sam felt his skin become tingly and static charged. He was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “Now, keep breathing, keep filling your lungs with air and know that it’s life okay? We lived, we are alive. We aren’t perfect by a long shot, but we do good. He tried to destroy us but he didnt. We can still fight for whats right, and still love and be loved back!” Sam’s tortured soul was clearly recognizable as himself at 27 when he overpowered the Devil himself and jumped into the pit, but something in his face was wrong. Something still unrecognizable. “ What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?” “No” he said “I just dont remember what love is. What it feels like.” Sam felt his heart break. Even through the worst parts of his life, even when he thought he hated Dean or his father, or even his mother once or twice, for bringing the hunter’s life into the family, he knew he never stopped loving them. Even more recently when he and Dean had nearly killed each other on a couple occasions, he loved his brother, and even when Dean was a demon, he knew deep inside he loved him and that would be the real reason he came back, but this poor boy, just spent 180 yrs of furious hate and violence, that it managed to erase love from his memory. “I can show you. Will you let me?” “Yes.” Sam had to admit to himself that this was probably the strangest experience of his life, and that was a pretty high bar, but it felt right. It felt like the only way this part of his soul would finally feel peace. “Can I touch you?” He asked “Yes, just please don’t hurt me.” A twinge of pain hit Sam in the heart, but he could honestly answer “I promise I wont. And you can stop me at any time.” A trusting nod was returned. “Love feels like this.” Sam said, as he touched his hair. No longer matted and blood stained. Soft and smooth, his right hand cupping his jaw which until a few minutes ago was smeared with blood. Sam felt this piece of him becoming warm under his touch. Placing a hand around Sam’s wrist as if to close a connection and maybe even to feel as though he could pull away if he wanted to. But he didnt. Sam moved in closer to him, and just wrapped his long strong arms around him. Pulling him into his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “This is what safety feels like.” Both Sams were silent.Sam didn’t rush anything. They literally had all the time in the world, and he would give himself whatever he needed. From the way he felt him, as he finally wrapped his arms around Sam’s back, he knew this was something he needed, and he kissed the top of his head, closed his eyes and smiled. “Are we okay?” Sam asked after several minutes of silence. “I think so.” He answered “But, how can I be sure you’re real and not one of Lucifer’s tricks?” Sam was stumped for a minute. He remembered this feeling all too well when he had a hard time determining what was real and what was a hallucination. He remembered what Dean had told him about Hell, and how the pain was different. Feeling the pain from the real world helped him focus more on what was real, but he couldnt possibly cause this man any more pain. Then Sam remembered that sometimes Lucifer would trick him with pleasure. Making him think for a moment he felt good and then he would instantaneously be hanging from hooks in his face. That pleasure he felt though, was different than pleasure topside. It was more like a drug induced pleasure, than a real human feeling. He could show his soul real pleasure.“I remember the tricks he played to make me think I was happy for a moment and then steal it away from me. It felt real in the moment, but it felt superficial, only on the surface. It didn’t feel like this.” Sam pulled back away, just far enough to look into his eyes. To connect with him on level that they would both feel on the inside. He held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes until he saw life begin to sparkle in them. It may have been enhanced by the surrounding candle light, but they burned with hope. Sam closed his own eyes and pressed his lips to his temple, along his ear and to his lips. Soft with closed mouth, he stayed for just a second or two before he felt those other lips part and invite his tongue inside. It was beautiful. Sam couldnt deny it. It might have been the best kiss hes ever given or received and he knew his counterpart felt it too. They were connected now, and everything one felt, so did the other. It was more than intense, it was epic. Sam could tell by each touch what he needed, what he craved and feelings of true, honest, pure pleasure grew like vines from the soles of his feet to the hair on his head. They both needed to feel each others bare skin surround them. Sam wasnt exactly sure how or when their clothes wound up in a pile on the floor, but it was a dream right? No, he was sure he wasn’t in the real world, but this was definitely something real. Sam laid along side himself at 27. Admired his own body even then. strong, muscular, maybe a little less hair in some places, and maybe a little more in others, but for the first time in his life, he realized he is beautiful. Not just attractive, or a 7 and a half, but actually beautiful. He let his hands and lips explore himself, as he also returned the admiration of his future body. It was confusing, but amazing at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make love to him, himself. And he did. Everything one felt, so did the other, so every movement was perfectly in line. When slowing down was best, when speeding up was better, and when they came simultaneously, it was nothing less than perfect. He felt everything in his body and soul release pressure like a volcano, and then it was calm. Both Sams were silent. Sam awoke in his room. Sore and exhausted, but peaceful. He felt like he had slept for 3 days but the clock on his phone said just 7 hours. He was thirsty and starving, but was happy to smell bacon and pancakes cooking. Maybe it was a dream after all? He didn’t think so, he really felt like the healing actually began and a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. He made a promise to himself that whenever he felt that pain well up in his soul again, he would go back and visit his new friend. The most important person he’s saved yet to date… Himself.

@eruthiawenluin maybe a little longer than a ficlet but I hope you like. LOVE the Prompt!!

#sam winchester #samcest #healing sam #love yourself first #sam winchester appreciation

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