#pretty sure I was also on AO3 when it started in 2009 though I didn’t create an account until 2017

[brighteyedjill]

Why censor a fandom event?

Do the mods for a fandom event have the right to  make restrictions on content? Sure. They’re volunteers running their own event. 

But. Fandom is a culture that we build together. If we were just people enjoying media in our own homes, we would not be a community. But we’re not. We talk to each other, reblog each other’s amazing art, comment on AO3, squee in Discord channels over ideas, and so on. That’s what makes fandom great: we build it collectively. And like any culture, we have some shared norms. For example, since AO3 is a big influence on our culture, tagging has become a cultural norm in fandom. We tag for the “big four” warnings on AO3, and increasingly, tag more and more details of content to help people find what they like and avoid what they don’t. 

Fandom events like Big Bangs shape fandom culture, too, though. They bring together people who might otherwise not know each other, and have a tendency to dominate the fandom conversation for a time. Restrictions in a Big Bang have a chilling effect on content creators. That means that some work will not get written because of these restrictions, and also that people’s opinions towards this kind of content may be influenced on a larger scale. I personally find this unfortunate, as some of the things on the restricted list are things I’ve written about, uh, a lot. But aside from just me, there are larger implications to consider. Read more about the history of strikethrough and content restriction to learn about who is harassed and excluded when fandom culture turns against “questionable” content. 

I posit that restrictions like this are not always The Norm™ in fandom events, nor should they be. In a fandom like the Witcher, whose canon includes everything on the restricted list, most of them graphically, I believe content of a similar nature should be welcome in fandom content. I ran my first Big Bang in 2009, and have participated in half a dozen bangs and reverse bangs since. None of them had content restrictions (here’s an example of a Big Bang without content restrictions that’s been running since 2011). Some Big Bangs do; sometimes this is dependent on the canon content, more often it depends on who has power and influence in the fandom. Here’s a case for why not to include restrictions in future events.

What are these restrictions meant to do?

As I understand it, these restrictions are meant to make things more inclusive by allowing more people to participate. Are they successful in that? It’s possible they allow different people to participate. As with many things, there are competing access needs here. More on that below. But let’s look at what “making things more inclusive” means in practice. 

Problem: We want to allow participation from people who don’t want to come into contact with dark content. 

OK. Let’s help participants avoid coming into contact with dark content if they don’t want to. How might they come into contact with dark content?

1.) People might hear upsetting conversations in Discord chat

Solution: Ask people to post in the appropriate channel. Use a “walk away” rule to encourage people to leave the channel if a conversation comes up that they’re not comfortable with. If you want to go further, you could have people warn for certain topics, or restrict darker topics to a specific channel, though this runs up against a different issue (see below).

2) People might see content in the claims that they don’t like, or don’t want to work on. 

Solution: Usually in a Big Bang the artists look at a list of summaries and tags and choose which fic(s) they’d like to work on. No artist is going to be forced to work on anything they don’t want to. Even artists who enjoy dark content are often illustrating something other than the darkest, most graphic, or most explicit moment of a fic. In a claiming situation, you can have writers tag their fics, just like they would on AO3, to allow artists to filter out content they’re not interested in or that they would find upsetting. 

2.5) We won’t find any artist to work on certain pieces.

Solution: This happens sometimes. You could put out a call for more artist participants, allow artists to claim a second piece if they want, or you may have to tell a creator that there’s not a match for them. That is a bummer, but this happens sometimes, especially in fandoms where writers vastly outnumber artists. But in no scenario will any artist be forced to write for a piece that squicks them. 

3) People might see content in the Big Bang collection that they don’t like. 

Solution: This one’s pretty easy. Tagging. Tagging has been used on AO3 since its inception to help people avoid content they do not want to see. People don’t have to engage with content they don’t want to see if it is properly tagged. 

4) The mods don’t personally want to engage with the content. 

Solution: Find a mod who will, so that mods who don’t want to don’t have to! You can get a volunteer to do this, I guarantee.

5) I want to encourage the creation of lighter or SFW content.

Solution: I get that. Say so! Explain what content you welcome, and phrase what you’re looking for in a positive way (e.g. “We require that content be T rated or below and have a generally positive outlook and an upbeat ending.”) rather than what you don’t want. Be clear, specific, and up front about it, so that you connect with the creators you’re hoping will participate. 

6) I think this content should not exist. 

This is the one I can’t help you with. If the reason you’re banning content is because, consciously or unconsciously, you think that it’s morally reprehensible, or that the people who make it are bad, I do not have a solution to offer. 

Competing Access Needs

I’m not going to get too far into the weeds on how making a list of restricted topics is impossible, because others have addressed this point. No matter what list you come up with, someone out there will find something you failed to list, but that you feel should be restricted. What to do? If they’ve already completed a fic, tell them to leave? Tell them they have to change it? Let it slide? There will be endless questions about what is and isn’t allowed, which is time-consuming and exhausting for mods, and paralyzing for creators. How do I know if this scene is un-graphic enough? Will I need to revise my whole fic? Will I get kicked out entirely if I write the wrong thing? Will some participants get preferential treatment or the benefit of the doubt because of their identities or their connections?

Censorship brings up competing access needs. Someone doesn’t want to see non-con. Someone is writing non-con fic to work through their own trauma. Someone is writing it for other reasons. Can you accommodate all these folks? I would say yes, in the ways detailed above. But when you start restricting content (as in Strikethrough or Boldthrough, discussed in the history link above), you’re not wielding a scalpel. You’re wielding an anvil, and you’re gonna crush things you didn’t mean to crush. Again, check out the history link to see who gets crushed. 

So… what to do?

Do I think people should change the rules for the events they’re running? No (john mulaney we are well past that.gif). As I said, people who are running their own events have the prerogative to restrict them for whatever audience they’re hoping to reach. Questioning fandom practices is not “shitting on” anyone (and hey--no scat allowed). 

What I would really like is for Witcher fandom to have a think about how we want to proceed as a community. What should be the norm? Witcher fandom culture (in its current form, i.e. big) is still relatively young. There can be variation, sure: Discord server vibes vary wildly, for example. But in the big events or activities that we hope will be open to the largest part of the community, how do we want to intentionally foster the maximum amount of great content about our favorite things? There are ways to be inclusive that do not involve censorship, and I believe we should use them. 

[spencers-renaissance]

A Christmas Like This

Summary: Spencer has a very specific plan for their first Christmas in their new house, and it has to be absolutely perfect. Derek's going to do everything in his power to make his boyfriend as happy as possible, even if that means a house covered in garlands and a tree covered in animal skeletons...

Tags: tooth-rotting fluff, christmas fic, est relationship, snow, slow dancing, bathing together, sharing clothes, cuddling, neurodivergence, so much romance

Pairing: Derek x Spencer

Word Count: 2.9k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Spencer’s been impatiently counting down the days, much to Derek’s amusement, but the day is finally here: they’re decorating their house for Christmas. It feels particularly special this year because it’s their first year in the house Derek had painstakingly renovated and then surprised him with one random evening, and Spencer’s spent weeks thinking about how to make it just right, because it needs to be absolutely perfect and he simply won’t settle for anything less.

Which is how he finds himself anxiously pacing the living room, waiting for his boyfriend to return. He’d popped out earlier in the afternoon to pick up some last minute decorations at Spencer’s behest, but a flurry of snow had started to fall since, and Derek was taking a bit too long for his liking. He worries his lip as he tries to remember how wrapped up his boyfriend was and why on earth he walked into town and didn’t take the car. 

Eventually, though, he’s appeased as Derek bursts through the front door, bringing a gust of wind and a small dusting of snow in with him. “Didn’t quite expect that,” he chuckles as Spencer rushes to greet him and help him out of his soaked through coat. “Got the decorations you wanted, though.”

Spencer grins at his jovial attitude and leans up to plant a firm kiss on his lips. “That’s because you’re amazing,” he murmurs, pulling away only marginally before kissing him again. 

“Baby if that’s the greeting I get when I bring you goodies, I’m gonna spoil you rotten,” Derek says amusedly as he runs his cold hands up the sides of Spencer’s jumper, smiling at him fondly. 

“You already do,” he protests, pulling away from his hold and snatching the bag Derek’s holding to eagerly peer inside. “This is going to look incredible.” He looks back at Derek with excitement lighting up his eyes and he’s rewarded with a gentle kiss on the nose. 

“You are too damn adorable, you know that?”

“So you tell me,” Spencer says, his turn to look amused for a moment before snapping into action. “Right, we should get started!”

“Whoa, I hate to burst your bubble, pretty boy, but I’m soaked to the skin,” Derek says, following Spencer into the kitchen as he watches him empty all the bags and survey the decorations with analytical eyes. “I’m gonna take a bath first. Care to join me?” 

Spencer’s head snaps up at that. “What if it stops snowing while we’re in the bath?”

Derek shoots him a puzzled look. “Why… would that matter?”

“It’s perfect weather to put up the Christmas decorations while it’s snowing!” Spencer says, like it’s obvious. 

“Well,” Derek says diplomatically, “then the snow will have settled and you’ll actually be able to see the picturesque scenery without having to peer through a white haze.” It’s a pretty good answer. He’s got much better at it in the seven years they’ve been together.

Spencer pauses to think it over carefully. “You’re right,” he decides eventually, setting down the garland he was expecting and walking over to Derek. “You make us some hot chocolate and I’ll set it up.” He kisses him again before running up the stairs to the bathroom, making it as cosy as possible with candles and bath salts and bubbles. 

Derek’s only a few minutes behind him and the bath is almost full by the time he gets there, Spencer’s sitting submerged in the water as he concentrates on the taps, diligently adjusting the temperature every thirty seconds or so to get it just right. “Sorry to interrupt your tap watching,” he says, smile evident in his voice evn to Spencer as he refuses to look away from the flow of water.

He sets the hot chocolates down on the edge of the bathtub and strips off quickly, feeling the sweet relief at having the cold, damp clothing finally off his body. “Scooch up,” he tells Spencer, intending to squeeze in behind him. If nothing else, it finally manages to snatch his boyfriend’s attention from the taps. 

“No, Derek, I’m too big,” Spencer whines, as he always does when they bathe together. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, sweetheart,” Derek says, as he always replies to his boyfriend’s ridiculous argument. “We always manage to fit. Come on.” He finally gets Spencer to slide forwards a little, turning the water off at the same time, and he slides into the bath behind him. It takes them a few moments to get properly comfortable and Spencer almost elbows both mugs off the side of the bath at one point, but they finally settle into one another. 

Derek’s chest is cool against Spencer’s back but his skin soon warms as the contact with Spencer’s flush body and the hot water make themselves at home, nestling against him. “This is just what I needed,” Derek sighs as he sips his hot chocolate and settles further into the bath. “My baby in the bath with me and a nice warm drink.” 

Spencer blushes, as he always does. Not even seven years of relentless flirting and nicknames could drive out his instinctive reaction to praise, but he also knows Derek likes it. It’s funny to think how much they’ve changed over the last few years, how when they got together back on a case in Michigan in 2009, they would be here in their own house in 2016. Spencer’s filled out and isn’t the skinny little thing Derek fell in love with anymore, not that either of them mind, and Derek -- hardened from the many years of being in the FBI -- had told Spencer his plans to retire a few months ago. 

Everything around them has continued to mutate, their circumstances, surroundings, physical appearances, but they still love each other just as much as they have done for all these years. Relentlessly, consistently, unfailingly. 

Spencer heads straight for Derek’s drawers as soon as they get out of the bath, dressing himself in one of the warmest hoodies he can find. “What if I wanted to wear that?” Derek teases as he grabs a sweatshirt for himself. 

“Oh, please,” Spencer scoffs. “You’re not fooling anyone, Derek, I know you love seeing me in your clothes. You’d rather me wear it than you”

Derek grins widely, pulling the sweater over his head before wrapping Spencer in a close hug, softening when he feels him nestle his face into his neck. “You got me, I do love seeing my gorgeous boy in my clothes,” Derek admits, “but who could blame me?”

Spencer leans back slightly, still pressed against Derek and kisses him softly. “I love you,” he murmurs, and it’s almost shy in its naked vulnerability. 

“I love you more,” Derek insists, kissing him again and giving him one last squeeze before putting some space between them. “But I believe we have a house to decorate Dr Reid?” 

Spencer’s face lights up at that, and he hurries to pull on some PJ bottoms and a pair of odd socks on before grabbing Derek’s hand and pulling him downstairs. “I wrote it down because I need you to adhere to these very strict instructions,” Spencer says seriously, despite Derek’s small amused smile.

“Yes sir,” he says as he takes the paper, but he corrects himself at Spencer’s stern look. “I will follow it to the letter, baby, don’t worry.” Conceding is definitely worth the bright smile he gets in return. 

Spencer plays his specially curated Christmas playlist over the house speaker system as they get to work pinning the garlands and fairy lights and decorations handsewn by Penelope in their designated spots according to Spencer’s plan. Derek thinks it rather looks like Christmas has vomited over their house by the time they head to the tree, but his boyfriend looks so pleased with himself, and for the past seven years his own joy has followed one simple law: if Spencer’s happy, he’s happy. 

There’s just one tiny problem with that stipulation: he’s not sure he can quite stomach the ornaments Spencer’s chosen for the tree. “Spencer, baby, you know I love you,” he says slowly as he watches his boyfriend carefully unbox the decorations, “but we are not putting those on the tree.”

He’s somehow managed to find ornaments in the shape of animal skeletons, and he wants to decorate their Christmas tree with them. Derek feels a little lost. 

“But they’re anatomically correct animal skeletons ranging from a cricket’s exoskeleton to the bones of a horse,” Spencer protests, as if that will change Derek’s mind. 

“Exactly,” he replies. “The whole house is beautifully decorated with garlands and lights and colours and wreaths and you want to hang skeletons on the tree? The most important part of the Christmas decoration process?” 

“Yes,” Spencer says slowly, “I want to hang skeletons on the tree because it’s the most important part of the Christmas decoration process.”

Derek takes a deep breath in. “Okay, how about we put some fairy lights and tinsel on, hang some normal baubles and then you can put some of your skeletons on there, too?” It’s a compromise. He’s not exactly thrilled with the idea of staring at bones on his Christmas tree, but at least there’s a little bit of tradition mixed in there, too. 

Spencer’s a lot less uncompromising than he used to be, so after a few seconds and a sigh he coalesces. “Alright,” he agrees, “but I get to hang at least eight skeletons. Deal?” 

“Deal,” Derek sighs, smiling slightly at the absurdity of his boyfriend. God, he’s in love. 

With the Christmas tree hosting a small archeology exhibit among its branches and the house satisfactorily ready for the holidays, they head to the kitchen to make some dinner, both hungry from a busy day of hanging wreaths and plugging in fairy lights. And getting caught in a minor snowstorm, of course. Derek heads straight to the speaker and plugs his phone in, setting it to play Frank Sinatra’s Christmas album, needing a change of pace from the instrumental playlist they’ve been listening to all day. Spencer doesn’t complain though, he just smiles warmly at Derek, kissing him chastely before heading to the fridge to pull out the ingredients needed for a festive chicken dinner. 

“We’re making roast potatoes, right?” Derek checks as he pours them both a glass of wine, listening to the sultry voice of Frank Sinatra accompanied by Spencer’s disorganised rummage through the vegetable drawer. 

“Yep,” Spencer affirms with his head inside the fridge, eventually emerging with an armful of vegetable and meat, dumping them unceremoniously on the countertop before continuing his search through the kitchen cabinets. They’d moved into the house properly nearly five months ago, but they still haven’t figured out the best way to store food, and Derek was infamous for shoving the grocery shopping in the first cabinet he sees, leading to a rather disorganised system. 

He soon finds the right spices and cupboard ingredients for the traybake they’d made countless times before. Derek hands him the glass of wine as soon as he comes to stand next to him again, cradling his cheek with his hand, stroking his thumb over the ruddy flush on Spencer’s cheek. “I love you,” he says gently, looking deep into the warm honey of his eyes and leaning in for a soft kiss. 

Spencer’s blushing even more by the time he pulls back, and Derek can’t help but smile at the bashful nature of his boyfriend even after all these years. “I love you more,” Spencer promises, hand running gently down Derek’s muscled arm, appreciating the soft touch of the sweatshirt he’d pulled on earlier. 

“Not possible,” Derek grins, punctuating his words with another kiss to Spencer’s lips.

“Stop,” Spencer protests, wiggling out of his hold and turning to the food. “Stop being sappy. We have dinner to make.”

“Very important business,” Derek agrees, but acts the perfect sous chef as Spencer takes care of the vegetables and trimmings and puts him in charge of the chicken. They work quickly and the traybake is in the oven before they know it, leaving them sipping their wine as they lean against the counter, chatting idly. 

That is, until I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm starts playing, bright music filling the kitchen as Derek sets his wine glass down, taking Spencer’s from his hand and setting it next to his before he takes his hand and pulls him into the middle of the kitchen.

“What are you doing, Derek?” Spencer giggles as Derek pulls him close and twirls him around the kitchen. 

“Shh. We’re dancing,” he whispers, smiling fondly at Spencer’s unabashed happiness. He told himself at the very beginning of their relationship that this was all he really needed to achieve in life; making Spencer happy would forever be enough for him. 

Off with my overcoat, off with my glove

Who needs an overcoat? I'm burning with love

Derek dips Spencer down, making him throw his head back in laughter. He holds him there for a second before lifting him back up and kissing him quickly before returning to a comfortable swaying movement, keeping them in time with the uptempo music. He sings along quietly as they look deep into one another’s eyes, continuing to dance around the dimly lit, decked out kitchen. 

What do I care how much it may storm?

I’ve got my love to keep me warm

As soon as they pause their dance, Spencer leans in and kisses him, hand moving from his shoulder to the side of his neck as he holds him closer. Derek kisses back just as eagerly as the music switches to the next song, deepening the kiss as he holds Spencer’s waist, caressing his sides gently, savouring the weight of his favourite person pressed up against him in the warmth of the kitchen. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am in this exact moment,” Spencer whispers earnestly as they pull away.

“Not even when I took you to Bali?” Derek teases, smiling fondly at the joy in his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“Shut up,” Spencer admonishes, but he’s smiling too when he leans back in for another kiss. 

They eat their dinner together on the sofa. The Christmas lights are twinkling on the tree in the corner of the living room and the decorations Penelope had gifted them brighten the whole room; Derek has to admit that despite the animal skeletons, the house looks beautiful. He’s not sure he could possibly feel more cosy than he is right now, tucking into a delicious traybake, cuddled up next to Spencer while Love Actually plays on the TV. 

As soon as their plates are cleared, Spencer predictably cuddles even closer, folding his body into the contours of Derek’s as they watch the intertwining stories of the film. It’s not long before they’re both tearing up at the emotional narrative, sharing a box of tissues between them. Usually it’s Derek who cries at the films they watch, but this particular one seems to be getting to Spencer more than normal: the love between Sarah and her mentally ill brother, Michael, has Spencer stifling sobs as he thinks about his mother. 

“Come here, baby,” Derek whispers, fairly tearful himself. He gently guides Spencer to lay down on the sofa with his head in Derek’s lap, and he cards his fingers through the curls he loves so much as they watch the rest of the film play out. 

As the credits start to roll, Spencer sits up properly, leaning his head against Derek’s shoulder. “That was a bit intense,” he chuckles.

“Have you seen it before?” 

“No, Penelope just recommended it to me,” Spencer replies, sniffling again.

“I can’t count the amount of times she’s forced me to sit through it,” Derek laughs. “I cry every time, to be honest.”

Spencer doesn’t reply, he just takes one of Derek’s hands sitting in his lap and fiddles gently with his fingers, tracing the outline, the veins, the contour. It’s a comforting little motion for both of them, a point of connection, something to focus on, shrinking the world that sometimes feels so big down to just two hands, one tracing the other. 

“Come on, baby,” Derek says after a few minutes, “let’s get up to bed.”

“I’m not tired yet,” he protests quietly, snuggling further into Derek’s side.

“Well you can read in bed,” Derek points out. “But I want to sleep. I’m not the young man I once was, you know.”

Spencer cranes his head up to meet Derek’s eyes. “You’re even sexier now,” Spencer says, and it’s so random that Derek can’t help the bark of laughter it elicits. 

“Well, I’m glad you think so,” he grins. 

“You didn’t call me baby,” Spencer pouts, rotating his body so he’s straddling Derek’s lap.

“I’m very sorry,” Derek says mock-sincerely, lifting a hand to brush a stray curl from Spencer’s forehead. “How can I make it up to you?”

“A letter of apology to management,” Spencer suggests.  

“Management being you, I’m guessing?” Derek smiles as he hums in affirmation. “Come on you, let’s head up to bed.”

Spencer grumbles the whole way about old men and going to sleep before 11pm, but it only serves to make Derek smile fondly, kissing him to shut him up as soon as they walk into the bedroom. They’re soon tucked up in bed, Christmas candles burning as fairy lights glow along their journey around the coving. Spencer starts on his new book, lit up dimly by the cosy lighting of the room,  while Derek settles down to sleep.

He can’t believe he has a Christmas like this to look forward to for the rest of his life.

@strippersenseii @criminalmindsvibez @fuckshitupm8-deactivated3728 

[sarkywoman]

Writing Asks

Tagged by @under-the-shady-tree, thanks!

20 questions, writer’s edition, let’s go!!

How many works do you have on AO3? 85

What’s your total AO3 word count? 712708

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? Oof, uh... since like, 1999? Um, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Andromeda, Supernatural, Heroes, NCIS, DC, Marvel, The Umbrella Academy, Kingsmen, ASoIaF/Game of Thrones, Borderlands, Community, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, Doctor Who/Torchwood, Final Fantasy, Harry Potter, Misfits, I think I’ve forgotten some...

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Noble Blood (Game of Thrones, ASoIaF - GRRM)  A Song of Bastards and Wards (ASoIaF - GRRM, Game of Thrones)  Young God (Borderlands)  Story and Sorcery (Loki: Agent of Asgard, Marvel)  My Shame is True (The Umbrella Academy (TV))

Do you respond to comments, why or why not? I try to! Comments are so important in the fanfic community and I know how hard it is to think of something to say about a story, even when you’ve loved it to bits, so I don’t want people to feel ignored. Especially because I appreciate comments so, so much! I will say though, I have lapses, often when my mental health isn’t good, where I simply don’t know how to respond to people and then months go by and I feel weird about replying... so sorry if you’ve ever commented on one of my stories and got silence - it was me not you!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? The Aimless One (Misfits (TV 2009)) Straight up the saddest story I’ve written, no question. Normally writing sad stuff doesn’t make me sad but I had to take a break in the middle of this to just try and grapple with the idea I’d had because it tapped into a lot of depressing thoughts I have about life and death in general. The comments were all complimentary but so upset that at first I was like ���hooray, it had the desired impact’, then after a while I started to think ‘why did I want to hurt people like this?’

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? Probably  Realising All You Ever Wanted, a Hobbs/Dirk fic for the Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency fandom. There’s such minor conflict in that one that the sugary sweet ending isn’t out of place. 

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written? Well. I have some fandoms that are sort of crossovers already, things like Marvel where you have comic versions and movie versions and it doesn’t really feel like a crossover to be picking and choosing. Same with a Dirk Gently/Thor fic I did, because Thor cameos in the DG canon, but not this Thor. I think the most ambitious crossover I’ve worked on was a collaborative chatfic with @freshgratednutmeg that we’re never likely to post, where the need for more background characters in an Umbrella Academy A/o fic led to it being crossed over with Marvel and Brooklyn 99. (Leading to such amusements as Diego sparring with Rosa, and Five competing with Shuri in class.)

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Yeah, but it’s never been very well-reasoned so it’s been fairly easy to dismiss. Some people expect everyone to share their own perspective of the characters and it’s weird.

Do you write smut? If so what kind? Not really. I can go there and have done on occasion, but it doesn’t interest me very much. I think I did it more when I was younger because I felt like it was a necessary aspect of grown-up fanfic writing (when I started I was a teenager amongst mostly adults... or other people lying about their age too lol). These days I’m more likely to fade to black or allude to the acts. But I’m not averse to writing it or anything, but it’s never the focus of my story.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Only in the sense that I see them on other sites I didn’t upload to, sometimes in other languages, sometimes not. They normally say my name somewhere on them so they’re not stolen as such, but it’s still uncomfortable to see my work circulated to other sites without my permission.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Not with my permission, but yeah. I don’t know how to feel about translations. Obviously I want people of other languages to be able to read my work, but at the same time I’m not fluent enough to be able to check the translator’s work, so I won’t know if they’ve done any better than google. Word choice is pretty important in fiction. A bad translation can totally warp a text.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not for posting or sharing, but me and @freshgratednutmeg cowrite all the time.

What’s your all time favorite ship? All time?! That’s impossible to answer. I’m a multi-shipper for starters, in pretty much every fandom I’ve been in. When I find a ship I love, I love it intensely above all others for the duration of the fixation. Then eventually it gets set aside when I find a new fandom. I’m also indecisive enough to not really have an all-time favourite anything. 

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? A Song of Bastards and Wards (ASoIaF - GRRM, Game of Thrones). I can’t begin to describe the pages of notes I have for this beast. Unless I threw them out, which... scanning my room... is a distinct possibility. Ouch. I’d hoped to parallel the books for a long time with this one, but the amount of work for a project like that is too much when you’re no longer as passionate about the source fandom. I suspect what I might do is scenes with interconnecting notes, just so people get some sense of closure.

What are your writing strengths? Dialogue, baybee! Kinda makes me want to be a scriptwriter. People are always telling me that the characters ‘sound like’ them. I think it’s from reading voraciously from when I was young and being quite a social child, that moving speech patterns and quirks into writing is something that comes very naturally to me. Too natural, in fact, because IRL I write how I speak and that’s not always suited to the situation.

What are your writing weaknesses? Most things other than dialogue. Even thought processes are an internal dialogue, so they’re okay, but then like... a fight scene? A sex scene? Just even... what are their hands doing while they’re talking? How are these people physically present? Where are they? Are they inside, outside, is the building on fire? My descriptive skills are lacking, to say the least. It’s something I’m working on.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I’m not quite sure what’s meant by this. I’m not fluent in anything other than English so I don’t see that would work well for me. I know a few phrases in German/French/Welsh/Latin/Spanish but nothing useful for conversation. Dropping in words can work, if it’s the same way the speaker would use them amidst their English. Most of the time the characters I’m writing wouldn’t be speaking in another language anyway. We can blame the tag-team of English colonialism and American media for that one I think. I think that sometimes authors utilise a character’s language in a way that just exposes how little the author actually knows of the language and that’s a bit cringe for me.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Buffy the Vampire Slayer. None of those are online atm because they’re so so bad XD I should post them just so people can see improvement but... I can’t even read them, they’re hilarious. The most gratuitous self-inserts, the most ludicrous arguments, the most out-of-character romantic declarations.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? Hmm, that’s a quandary. I think I’ll differentiate between favourite to write, and favourite end product. Favourite to write was probably  Noble Blood (Game of Thrones, ASoIaF - GRRM) because it was just a romp through my favourite themes. Given it’s one of my most popular stories, I’d say that just proves you should write what you want! I was going to quickly say  Young God (Borderlands) is my favourite fic for quality of the finished product, because I pretty much just sat down one evening and spilled it into a word doc then reread it back and thought ‘huh, did I write that? Awesome’. But I’m happy with a couple of more recent things I’ve done for The Umbrella Academy fandom, notably  The Price of Parenthood, which is very different to what I usually write and is a look at the life of one of the mothers who gave up her child to Reginald. Also The Water Calls, which was the only thing I managed to write for the recent MerMay event. It took me a little while to puzzle out how it all fit together, then once I had it worked out it came together wonderfully and I was very happy with the tone of it. 

Tagging anyone who fancies doing it.

[missperfectlyfine13]

A Bandaid For Your Bullet Hole - (Chp. 2/?)

Read Below or on AO3/FF

TW: Mentions of overdose

August 2009

“Mom, I’ve got all my stuff in the ca….” Chloe’s sentence is swallowed back up into the atmosphere when she walks back into the living room, “you’ve got to be kidding me.”

Chloe’s mom is sitting in the middle of the sofa, her arms wrapped tightly around a scruffy looking man in a mechanics uniform. There’s a few half empty bottles of booze on the coffee table and a lit joint between her mother’s fingers. She laughs airily at some dumb remark the stranger practically underneath her makes. She’s as high as a kite and probably drunk to boot.

“Chloe!” her mom’s eyes light up at the sight of her only daughter, “come have a drink baby.”

The only good thing about her mom getting high instead of drunk is that she is much happier. Her mom is an angry drunk, she turns into someone that Chloe scarcely recognizes. At least when she’s high she somewhat resembles someone Chloe used to know.

“What happened to taking me to college today?” she snaps, completely ignoring her mother’s request.

“That was today?” she asks dumbly, bringing her glass tumbler to her lips, taking a long sip of dark amber liquid.

Chloe groans frustratedly, “We’ve been talking about it for weeks.”

“Calm down princess, we can still do it,” she’s got to be kidding, she’s not going to let her mom drive anywhere like this.

Chloe shakes her head vigorously, “No. It’s fine, I’ll just stuff everything into my car and do it myself. You clearly have more important things to do.”

Her words must permeated through her mom’s hazy brain because she’s jumping up from the sofa, some of her drink sloshing out of her glass and onto the cream colored carpet, “No, Chloe let me do this. I want to do this.”

“I’m not taking you anywhere like this,” Chloe motions up and down her mother’s body, “you would just be an embarrassment.”

Her expression almost looks hurt before it turns bitter, “If that’s how you feel about me, then fine do it all on your own. See if I care.”

Chloe turns around without another word. She mindlessly shoves all her belongings into her little chevy impala, barely getting in everything she needs. She doesn’t even bother to go inside to say goodbye before driving down the road. It’s time for a new beginning, a new life, one she doesn’t have to hate. She has a good feeling about Barden, hopefully her gut is right.

************

December 2012

The winter air is crisp, sending a shiver down Chloe’s spine as her and Beca walk towards her dorm. They just left Bellas rehearsal and the air almost feels good after all the exercise.

“So, what are you doing for winter break?” Beca breaks the comfortable silence, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her coat.

Chloe shrugs, “I’ll probably stay on campus, I might go visit my brother, if he’s going to be around.”

Beca looks at her dumbly for a moment before composing herself again, “You aren’t going home for Christmas?”

Her and Beca have gotten really close this semester, Chloe might even dare to say she’s her best friend…if she didn’t have a heart stopping crush on the younger girl that is. Even so, she’s not sure if she wants to unpack her reasoning for never going home yet.

“Nope,” she answers the question simply, hoping Beca will just take the answer and let the topic drop.

She knew she wasn’t going to be that lucky, because Beca doesn’t care about anyone…anyone but her it seems. Chloe is the only person Beca goes the extra mile for, at least from Chloe’s point of view, that’s how it seems.

“Why?” the question barely surprises her as it come out of Beca’s mouth, her breath leaving a puff of white in the air.

“It’s a long story,” Chloe tries her best to deflect, but she knows Beca won’t give it up.

Maybe opening up to someone else would feel good. Maybe to weight of her problems would feel a little lighter.

“I’ve got time, we can go get coffee?” Beca looks at her hopefully, “My treat?”

“I thought you were having a movie night with Jesse,” Beca had been talking about it all week, the excitement of a new relationship and all.

That’s another thing that has been making Chloe feel even worse than she does at this time of the year. She had a bad feeling Beca would end up with him…she had a bad feeling she was straight. Chloe loves their friendship, but it just makes everything that much more painful.

“You were literally coming to my dorm to hang anyways, that’s not until later,” Beca laughs.

Chloe’s cheeks burn red, “Oh yea, sorry, blonde moment I guess?”

“You’re not even blonde, you don’t get to use that one.”

Chloe gives Beca a playful shove, “Shut up.”

After another five minutes of walking, they finally end up at the coffee shop. Before Chloe knows it, there’s a steaming hot cup in her hands and Beca looking across the table at her expectantly.

“So now, why don’t you go home for Christmas?” Beca parrots the question from earlier, making Chloe squirm uncomfortably in her seat.

“So, I guess it all really started when my dad died,” Chloe twirls the paper cup in her hands, attempting to channel her nerves into something else.

Beca nods, encouraging her on.

“My mom kind of self-imploded after his death…it started with drinking. It just spiraled from there, drugs, lots of sex with random men. It made all four years of high school miserable for me,” Chloe can feel tears threating to spill, she never talks about this, “after my first Christmas back home in college I vowed to never go back until she got her shit together.”

A hand reaches across the table to settle over her own. Chloe looks up into Beca’s eyes, which are sad and empathetic. It makes her feel comfortable, grounded, Beca’s hand against her own. Her fingers twitch underneath the touch, she never wants to break the contact.

“I’m so sorry Chloe,” Beca says softly, “that must be really hard…so I take it she’s still pretty bad?”

Chloe nods slowly, “Uh yea, I’ve tried to get her to go to rehab but she won’t listen, I’m worried she never will.”

“I know this is nothing compared to what you dealt with,” Beca looks vulnerable as she speaks, “but high school was really rough for me too. My parents got a divorce and my dad married my now step monster. I felt so betrayed, I felt like nothing would ever be right again. I felt like my dad was giving up on me.”

“I’m glad you shared that,” Chloe turns her hand so it’s holding Beca’s instead of lying limply below hers, “I’m glad I’m not the only one with a shitty story.”

“I mean you definitely win if we’re comparing, but yea, it was nothing to write home about,” Beca smirks.

Beca finally pulls her hand away and Chloe instantly misses her touch. She quickly moves her hand back to her cup, lifting it to her mouth, not wanting Beca to know how much the little contact affected her.

“Do you want to come home with me for Christmas?” Beca asks after a few moments of silence.

The question practically makes Chloe choke on her latte, “I couldn’t do that Bec. Your family doesn’t even know me.”

“They know of you,” Beca replies nonchalantly, “plus they would love you.”

“So, you’ve talked about me to your family?” Chloe quirks an eyebrow.

It’s Beca’s turn for her cheeks to fade into a light shade of red, “They were asking if I made any friends…so I told them about you.”

“Don’t be embarrassed Beca, I love that you’ve told them about me. If I talked to my mom, she would know about you, because you’re one of the best things about this semester,” Chloe says honestly, hoping the blunt truth doesn’t weird the other girl out.

A smile the size of Texas spreads across Beca’s face. She doesn’t seem sure how to respond, but Chloe knows she probably feels similarly if her expression is to judge.

“Shouldn’t you be asking Jesse to go home with you for Christmas instead of me?” Chloe suddenly remembers Beca’s boyfriend.

Beca shakes her head no, “He has his own family to go home to, plus I’ve only been dating him for a month. I’d much rather have you come with me…especially because I want to save you from having to be here for three weeks.”

“I’ll think about it,” Chloe finally answers Beca’s offer.

She’s going to have to think hard about it, the last time she went home with someone for Christmas…well let’s just say it’s not a fond memory. It was an almost eerily similar situation. She had known Aubrey for one semester and after the blonde found out about her mom, she had invited her home for Christmas. She also needs to remind herself that it was a very different situation all together.

************

December 2009

There’s no hiding the fact that Chloe is scared to go home for Christmas. She’s scared about what she’s going to find. It’s the first time her mom has been alone for that long. Chloe watched out for her more than a teenage daughter should.

She also left on bad terms in the fall.

She could walk into anything really, which is terrifying. Which is why the whole drive back to South Carolina, Chloe is practically shaking with nerves. She probably shouldn’t have loaded up on coffee like she did, the caffeine isn’t helping. Aubrey has called her on and off, offering her support…and the reminder that she can go to Aubrey’s house if it’s too bad. Chloe was determined to make this work though; she didn’t want to run away on her mom completely. Chloe is not a quitter.

About an hour later she finally pulls into the driveway of her mom’s house, the windows are dark even thought the sun set hours ago. That’s already not a good sign. Chloe puts the car into park and takes a deep shaky breath. She gets out of the car after a few moments of composing herself.

She slings her bag over her shoulder and walks up the path to the front door, her hand shakes as she lifts the key to the lock. Chloe pushes the door open slowly, she can hear the TV blaring some infomercial for air tight containers. It’s the only light illuminating the living room. As Choe steps further in the door, she can see her mom’s identical mop of red hair flowing over the arm of the sofa, her hand hanging limply down onto the floor. She can’t make out much else with how dark the room is, the blue-ish light of the TV making everything look a little eerie.

An ice-cold feeling courses through her, her heart rate picking up. Something isn’t right, she can just feel it. Chloe throws her bag down onto the floor and rushes over to the sofa. It barely looks like her chest is moving up and down, her lips look a little blue. Out of the corner of her eye she sees a baggy of pills on the coffee table. Shit. This can’t be happening.

“Mom,” Chloe says firmly, “Mom!”

Nothing.

Chloe kneels down next to her and shakes her vigorously, “MOM.”

Her hands shake as she pulls her phone from the back pocket of her jeans. Her fingers can barely hold still as she dials 911.

The operator is calm and comforting. She walks Chloe through checking to see if her mom’s heart is still beating. She feels like she’s floating through some nightmare as she rips her mom’s shirt open and starts chest compressions. She has no clue how long she hammers into her mom’s chest before the door busts open and the paramedics are pushing her out of the way. Her vision blurs as she finally lets herself cry.

She’s not quite sure how she gets to the hospital. The world finally comes back into focus when a nurse carefully approaches her and asks if there’s anyone that she can call for her.

“Um, my best friend, Aubrey,” her voice sounds foreign to her.

************

When Chloe’s mom finally is stable and back at home, Chloe leaves to go back home with Aubrey. Before she leaves, it isn’t pretty, her and her mom scream and fight, but there is no way she’s ever going to come back home to that again. Chloe gives her a final ultimatum: Go and get some help or I’m done here.

Christmas is miserable, even though Aubrey’s family is warm, inviting and sympathetic. They make her feel like she’s family. Even so, Chloe has never felt more alone. She feels like she has nowhere to go. She has no one to bake her cookies to take back to her dorm or give her a hug that feels like home when she needs it or give her boy (or girl?) advice. She’s all alone and it’s something she’s going to have to get used to.

************

December 2012

“I’ll go home with you,” Chloe offhandedly mentions to Beca as they sit on the bed in Chloe’s room at the Bella house.

Beca’s eyes light up and the chips she was munching on practically fall out of her mouth, “Really?”

Chloe nods, after thinking about it, the idea of having people to spend Christmas with would be really nice. It’s something she hasn’t experienced since Christmas her freshman year.

“I would love to,” Chloe smiles happily at the younger girl next to her.

“That’s awesome!” Beca exclaims, “Oh shit, I’ve got to book the flight like now then.”

“You haven’t done that already?” Chloe looks at her quizzically.

Beca shrugs, “I was waiting to see if you would want to come first.”

“You could have missed out on getting tickets Bec, you shouldn’t have.”

“I know, it’s ok though, I wanted to,” Beca looks down at her phone, which has flight listings to Seattle already displayed, “get your snow boots ready Beale, it’s been chilly out there this year.”

“You know, I’ve only seen snow a couple times in my whole life,” Chloe already feels excited thinking about seeing the fluffy, white precipitation.

Beca’s eyes bug out, “Dude, we are so going sledding.”

For the first time in years, Chloe is starting to feel excited about this time of year. This might be the best Christmas she’s had in a long time…

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Intro Music]

O: Welcome back to the madness of King Bay or the second live action Transformers movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

S: And our second anniversary episode!

O: [laughs] Yay?

S: I sounded way too perky for that.

O: [laughs] As with the first live-action film if you like Revenge of the Fallen then this may not be the episode for you.  But we'll be back soon with G1 episode 41!  So please join us then.

S: Mm, Revenge of the Fallen came out in 2009, still starring Shia LaBeouf and still directed by Michael Bay-

O: It is- [laughs] Yeah, I know, pity.  Uh, it is frequently considered the worst of the live-action films which is concerning that both Age of Extinction and The Last Knight have even lower ratings on Rotten Tomatoes.

S: That takes some doing.

O: Right!?! [laughs]

S: Uh-huh.  Technically, even Dark of the Moon has a lower audience score than this one, but a higher critic score.  So, um... make of that what you will?

O: Basically, what we're saying is until Bumblebee came out the uh, series hit its peak with its first movie [laughs]

S: Mm-hm.

O: But!  Let's get started today by talking about our initial experiences with this particular film.

S: I don't think I saw this in theaters, and I found it really unmemorable.  Uh, aside from there being a few characters that stood out that I still enjoy, but they're very few and far between.

O: Okay, so if you remember in the last- the previous [Bayverse] episode?  I didn't remember where I saw the first movie.  I remember EXACTLY when I saw this movie because I watched it in theaters for a bachelorette party.  Personally, I found the concept of watching a manly action film for a bachelorette party to be fucking hilarious, and I still do!  But I really wish it had been for a better movie. I don't remember having much of an opinion on it when I watched it, but I also didn't watch the third movie in the series until literally the last couple of years when I was blazing through a fuck ton of Transformers media.  So, I clearly didn't care enough to see the continuation in theaters or even rent or borrow it until well after had been released.

S: We begin, yet again, with narration from the one and only Peter Cullen!

O: According to our opening scene uh, you know, the last movie is not the first time that Earth had been visited by Cybertronians.

S: Ah, shocking!  We are shown some craggy mountains populated by ancient humans with spears.

O: Said ancient humans come across a huge Cybertronian installation of some sort and a bunch of Cybertronians.

S: Mm-hmm.  Ominous.  And then there's a weirdly ancient Egyptian or alien-esque Cybertronian with a staff that's apparently in charge.

O: Several humans are squished, and presumably they're all destroyed before we move on to Shanghai, China in the modern day.

S: Oh, will this be relevant?  Who knows!

O: Maybe!  Maybe!  Maybe.

S: We see the Autobots and the military guys from the last movie now working together to hunt down the remaining Decepticons.

O: The combined group is named N.E.S.T.  Short for, “Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty.”

S: Oh, that's a mouthful.

O: It is, so hence ‘N.E.S.T.’

S: Yeah.  There have been some additions to the Autobot roster.

O: Which for simplicity's sake we're going to talk about them now, because they don't really do a lot-

S: Yup.

O: -in the movie.  And they do show up (kind of) in that last section but again, very few of them even have lines.  I- I think aside from Optimus, the character with the most lines might actually be Ironhide?

S: Yeah.  Um, Sideswipe, not a lot of his personality from G1 or any other iteration for that matter is carried over in this, unfortunately.  Instead of being a Lamborghini he's apparently decided to channel Tracks and is instead a Corvette Stingray.

O: And yet, still no Sunstreaker to be found, much to my frustration.

S: Jolt, a new character who's not in the movie except at the very end and he has very few fleeting shots in between and has no lines despite his bio saying he's come to Earth to join Optimus’ group in the last two years since the first movie.  He seems to use electric whips. [makes whip noises]

O: [laughs]

S: And ah, promptly dies in the Dark of the Moon prequel comic.

O: So he never really does get to do anything.

S: Yeah.

O: So then we have Arcee, Chromia and Elita One.  They are referred to as the ‘Arcee Sisters,’ or if you want to get really confusing, the ‘Arcee Twins’!?

S: [laughs]

O: Even though there's three of them-- at some point.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, but instead of, you know, their- them being referred to by individual names.  Apparently, they were written as one entity and while it depends somewhat on what real- related media you're looking at, the three of them are commonly portrayed as a multi-component Transformer much like Reflector.  They have very little personality, and they do very little in the movie.  Their alt modes are all motorcycles.  Arcee is pink or red, depending on the toy, Chromia is blue, and Elita One is purple.  Their robot modes sort of resemble Thrust from Beast Machines as they have no legs and function like weird sentient unicycles.

S: Yep, and then there's Skids and Mudflap.  Oh boy, where do we start with these two?  Well, uh, first, there's definitely someone out there who could have given a better breakdown on this than two random white ladies.  Uh, awkward… sorry.

O: Yeah, just in advance we are both white women, we do not know what we're talking about here from a personal perspective.

S: Yeah, so we're just going to sum it up with an extremely uh- in an extremely generalized way.  There was a lot of backlash for these two characters due to them possessing a number of racist african-american stereotype- stereotypical traits that at worst point to the people involved being racist in their own regard, or at best, really not thinking through how this was going to come across to the audience.  They've been referred to as comic relief in the same vein as Jar Jar Binks at several points.  Which is I think a good comparison for our purposes, and unlike the other five characters we just rattled off, these two will feature somewhat prominently in the movie so we'll talk more about them as they pop up.

O: At least kind of in vague sentences because as we said, none of the characters really do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah…

O: Even the ones that are in there for the bulk of the movie, don't do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah.

O: And then our returning Autobots from the first movie are Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Ratchet.

S: Mm-hm.

O: We see N.E.S.T. surround a construction vehicle that transforms into a huge ass robot mode and begins wrecking shit.

S: Yep.  Things go boom and everything's extremely orange and blue regarding the lighting and environment.  The second car Decepticon is spotted nearby and he tries to evade N.E.S.T. but is almost immediately bisected by Sideswipe.

O: We don't even really get to see his robot mode either- like, he sort of vaguely transformed I think, to like, crash through a building and then was- turned back into a car and was immediately killed by Sideswipe.

S: Yup.  Optimus is fucking airdropped from a plane-

O: [laughs]

S: Uh, to take on the construction vehicle Decepticon.

O: I- I'm pretty sure they just really wanted that shot of a semi driving off a damn plane.

S: Yeah.

O: Which I mean, okay, fair, it's a cool shot but still.  Uh, so then we see Optimus transform midair deploying some parachutes that have the Autobot logo on them... for some reason.

S: Is branding that important to the Autobots or their allies?  Plus, uh, someone's gonna need to go collect those later.

O: I wanna know why he landed in the middle of a highway- in robot mode!

S: No one here seems to think critically about any of this stuff when they're effectively undercover.

O: Apparently not.

S: I mean how many people with cell phones are taking photos and video of this? TONS!

O: Tons!  That becomes somewhat relevant later.

S: Even though people are still being evacuated.

O: Well, yeah- it said people were being evacuated but then to all these- all these shots that happen here, you still see a bunch of cars on the road.

S: Yeah.

O: While this is all happening.

S: And people still in their homes.

O: Yeah!

S: Optimus catches the rogue Decepticon who tells him menacingly, “The Fallen shall rise again!”

O: Hey, if it gets me out of this movie faster I for one welcome our Fallen overlord.

S: Unfortunately, we've got like, another two hours to go.

O: [sighs] Fuck.

S: And now in a completely different movie!  Sam is getting ready to leave for college.

O: His parents are having very different reactions.  His dad can't seem to wait for him to leave, while his mom is tearing up at every little thing that reminds her of Sam.  Apparently, his dad's got plans for his room, and I'm thinking, “Man cave- how creative.”

S: Ah, he wants his personal theater system, I guess.  After being hugged by his sobbing mother, Sam comments that, “You see this Dad?  This is how you're supposed to react when the fruit of your loins goes into- out of the cruel world to fend for himself.”  Okay, god that is such a cringe line.

O: I don't want to think about the fruit of that man's loins.  I don't want to think about that man's loins at all, okay!?

S: Neither do I, that's why it's so cringy.

O: Yeah- yeah, thanks- thanks for that Sam.

S: [sighs] We are treated to an awkward moment when Sam's dad spanks his mom on the butt as she walks away.  Sam is disgusted- I guess he is our audience surrogate in this moment.

O: His dad then tries to play it off as, “It's like a coach,” and NO that does not make it better! [laughs]

S: That actively makes it worse!  Sexual harassment is not okay.  Sam is apparently the first Witwicky to go to college.

O: I have questions.  Again, what the fuck does Sam's dad do that allows them to have this huge house that didn't require a college degree at any point!?  Who knows!  Uh, the Witwicky’s have apparently got another dog since the last movie, uh, so just another thing to add to this movie-- dog humping.

S: Lots of dog humping, in their dog condo.  It's kind of unsettling.

O: I don't know why they thought that this needed to be in the movie, but here we are.

S: Mikaela calls Sam, intending to break up with him- she is the most emotionally mature person in this movie.

O: Yep, pretty much!  They talk, uh, Sam insinuates that they're going to be entering a long-distance relationship while he's at college.

S: While they're talking, Sam pulls out an old ripped t-shirt.  His D-Day shirt as he refers to it.  Which is apparently, the shirt that he was wearing during the battle in Central City from the first movie.

O: This is important!  This is a plot point!

S: Yeah, we also have to assume that he has never washed the nasty shredded clothes from that day.  Because, I suppose, he wants to hold them and relive the memories of being chased by giant alien robots that wanted to murder him.

O: [laughs] No clue.  Uh, Sam does try to convince Mikaela to move near the college he's going to, but she refuses.

S: Her father's been released from jail since the first movie, and she insists on needing to take care of him.  That should not be poor Mikaela's responsibility, but she is the most responsible person in this movie as I said.

O: Well, and I get it, right?  Like, her dad just got out, presumably she has not seen- really been able to live with him for years.  She's both worried about him, and probably wants to spend time with him.

S: Yeah, that's fair.  Convenient plot device is convenient, as a sliver of the AllSpark falls off of Sam's shirt while he's on the phone to Mikaela.

O: It seems to zap Sam and then he drops it.

S: When it lands on the floor it burns its way through the floor and into the kitchen bringing a bunch of kitchen appliances to life.

O: They all attack Sam.

S: How did they get ammo?  Does just being brought to life just give them ammo?

O: Uh, dear god, why does one of these things have a penis?  That's my question.  Furthermore, why is it shooting things OUT OF ITS PENIS!?!

S: Because... Michael Bay.

O: I had- yeah, that's all I got, man.

S: Bumblebee bursts out of the garage and begins shooting at the little Decepticons, saving Sam's sorry ass yet again.

O: Maybe Bee should be trying to smash them instead of shooting at them?  They're on the front lawn at this point so all I can think is- their neighbors have to be able to see this!

S: I thought this was in the back lawn, but I'm not sure.

O: I- they're outside, he's no longer in the kitchen.  He's trying to shoot Decepticons outside the house, it probably is the backyard, but I don't know.  Sam yells at Bee to get in the garage.

S: Way to micromanage your giant robot bodyguard slash friend. [sighs] Again, it's like- you'd yell at a dog or something.

O: [laughs] Bad Bumblebee, bad!  Of course, Bee smashed out of the garage, uh, despite having a perfectly good door in front of him and then re-enters through the hole he had previously made.

S: Sam's mother is not happy about the surprise kitchen renovations, but Sam's dad calms her down by telling her that the government will pay for it all.

O: I'm so glad to know that this is where my taxes would be going to in this universe.

S: Well, it's definitely worse than some of the other things that it could be going for.

O: [sighs] I suppose that's true.

S: Sam's mom is like fine, but I want to pool and a hot tub!  And I quote, “And I'm going to skinny dip, and you can't say shit about it!”

O: And quite frankly that woman's put up with a lot of stuff, I- I respect- you know as long as she's got a good fence- her right to skinny dip in her own yard. [laughs]

S: Yeah, they need that privacy fence.  Sam goes into the garage to tell the audience, I mean uh, Bee, uh, how Bee can't come to college with him.

O: For reference, ignore the bit in the last movie where Bee talked because that's just gonna be ignored for like, three freaking movies.

S: Yeah.  To calm Bee down he says, “You'll always be my first car!”

O: Not even, you're my best friend- you're my first car.

S: “Congratulations Bumblebee, you're my possession!”

O: Pretty much!

S: Oh, that's creepy.  Sam gives the AllSpark shard to Mikaela for some reason, because Mikaela shows up at the end of all of this.

O: Right, you know like, everything has exploded, Mikaela's out there looking lovely with a bouquet of flowers.

S: Yep, instead of calling the Autobots or giving it to Bumblebee, nope it is given to Mikaela for safe keeping.  Well, I mean she is the most sensible person out of the civilians?

O: Everyone here?  Yeah, it's not that it- can't make it that- it's not that I don't think Mikaela can keep it safe.  She manages to do so quite swimmingly through this movie, but it's rather… not that she can use it at all, and it could potentially be dangerous for her to have it on her person!

S: Yeah.

O: And Bee is right there!  It's not like he couldn't give it to Bee and tell Bee to take it to the Autobots.

S: Yeah, like, that would be, uh, a lot more sensible.  Though if they'd done that it might have been put in with the other... another thing that happens later in the movie.

O: [laughs] True.

S: Anyway, they smooch, words are said, and a somewhat sappy 2000 era love song plays.

O: Meanwhile, no one seems to notice the toy remote control truck that's being controlled by no one.

S: A remote controlled truck that is somehow communicating with outer space, and somehow this character will be vaguely important

O: Shush!  My boy is here!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Soundwave shows up and takes over a surveillance satellite.

O: I'm sure I've mentioned this before at some point because I know I've said this multiple times, at least to Specs, but yes, I actually like the Bay version of Soundwave.  He's not in the movie much, but having him take over a satellite and spend the rest of the movie gathering intelligence and sending troops out? *chef’s kiss* Feels very in character, keep going baby.  His design is still garbage... just like everybody else though.

 S: And his voice sounds very nice.

O: That's because it's actually Welker!  He's allowed to be in this movie, doing a sizeable chunk of the speaking Decepticons even!  This is not a G1 similarity I necessarily expected, but I do find it hilarious.  Apparently, he also did the voice for Soundwave in a bunch of other language dubs too, which while interesting... I have to question why?  It's not like Soundwave's voice would have necessarily sounded the same in those other languages in the original G1 dub.  It just sounds like an odd decision?

S: Money.

O: Money.  I- kudos to him for attempting it at least?  But I still don't know why they did it.

S: Back at the N.E.S.T. headquarters, we see Mudflap and Skids uh, shenanigans, and they're unloading dozens of bodies!   Presumably, soldiers that died in Shanghai, uh- that's, uh, welcome to the morbid stuff that they don't spend any time on it at all.

O: Uh, why Sideswipe silver?  You had one job movie, one job.  Sideswipe is a little red sports car this is like, his defining characteristic- surely this was doable!

S: I don't think anyone involved in making the movie was a very big fan of G1 or wanted to maintain, you know, artistic integrity with regards to that.

O: [sighs] Yeah, I know, what am I saying?  I think the actual reason is I've heard red is harder to film?

S: Oh, that might be right.

O: Like- but- [sighs] I don't- it could be, because I want to say- I'm sorry if I'm incorrect- I want to say that's actually the reason Optimus’ color scheme got changed around quite a bit?

S: Mm.

O: And why he's got more blue on him.

[According to TFWiki: “When Optimus's design was first revealed, many fans of the Generation 1 series objected to the flames seen on Prime's body. When asked in an interview why he put the flames on, Michael Bay claimed he liked them because it was "cool". It was later revealed on a special featurette on the DVD that the flames were added because, apparently, red is not very good to film on camera, so Bay chose a blue truck but used the flames so that when Optimus transformed, the layout would result in maintaining his iconic red chest.”]

S: So, a jumped up government official shows up at N.E.S.T. headquarters.

O: And I think we all know where this is going.  Uh, this will be our bureaucratic bastard for this evening.

S: Yeah, you know, the wimpy suit who keeps getting in the way of the ARMY men and their REAL job- AMERICA!

B: [laughs]

S: Sorry, um, and here we have a lovely shot of Optimus transforming.  It's like some nice rotating thing.

O: Okay, get the robot transformation porn out of the way, next!

S: [sighs] And the bureaucratic weasel confronts Optimus on why haven't the Decepticons left the planet now that the AllSpark is destroyed, like they thought they would?

O: Optimus seems to take the opinion that Daddy Prime knows best.  Weasel's not super happy about this, but Optimus does say the Autobots will leave Earth if asked.  Neither of these groups are handling this super amazingly.  (Yes, even Optimus.)  Both sides have a point, if they'd stop trying to wave their metaphorical DICKS around and actually talk from a position of respecting each other's expertise, I'm betting this would go a whole lot better.

S: Probably.  The N.E.S.T. members back Optimus up.  Our only returning characters here are Lennox and Epps, both played by the same actors from last time.

O: Though I did not realize this at first.  I totally thought Epps was played by somebody completely different, and I'm gonna blame the writing because Epps is not given a lot of things to do here.

S: He was a very memorable character in the first movie.

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah, and uh, anyway back to college!  College away!

O: Sam's apparently going to Princeton, on the government's dime no less!

S: Oh god, he does absolutely nothing with it in later films.  Again, we're assuming due to the filming locations that Sam lives in Southern California or thereabouts so we're a bit surprised to realize he actually decided to go to college on the other side of the country.

O: It certainly doesn't come across like Mikaela is a priority in his life.

S: Yeah.  I mean seriously, he could have gone to school in California there's plenty of good schools in California.

O: Yup!  But uh, are you ready for some booze and boobs?

S: [sighs] We're introduced to Sam's roommates.

O: The only one that will actually play much of a role in the plot will be our buddy, Leo here.

S: I hope you're being sarcastic.

O: I mean- I mostly mean that he's there.

S: Well, no, I meant with the buddy bit.

O: [speaking while laughing] Uh, yes, that was sarcasm.

S: Yeah.  Uh, Leo runs a conspiracy theory website called The Real Effing Deal which is currently scrambling to get a- footage of the fight from Shanghai.  Uh, from earlier in the movie up on their site.

O: Which again, is ABUNDANT!  Because Optimus landed in the middle of a highway.

S: Yup.

O: Anyway, they're trying to do this until another person, Robo-Warrior, one ups them and gets the footage up, I think on a different site, first.

S: Yeah.  Sam does his best to play cool and blow Leo and his friends off because it's all, “Fake.” [laughs]

O: Also, I'd like to take- take a moment to note the era accurate Naruto poster decor among the sea of boobs.

S: Yeah.  Leo makes a comment that he and Sam are poor.

O: Alright!  Sit down and buckle up because this legitimately pissed me the fuck off.  So to rant for a moment, let's go back down the checklist of Sam's white fucking privilege, shall we?  He lives in a big house in a nice neighborhood.  In what we are assuming is Southern California, which is not a cheap place to live.  His parents have enough time for leisure activities and in fact, go on vacation in Paris after dropping Sam off.

S: Yup.

O: His dad bought him a car in the last movie and yes, he was very much implied to be being a cheap ass at the time, but at no point is there any indication he couldn't have bought Sam a nicer car.

S: And the car that he's driving when he like, jerks him around on what type of car he's going to get him, it looks like it's a fancy expensive car so...

O: That's also true!  Speaking as someone who grew up in a lower income rural area, and I say this not even remotely being the worst off in that area.  Our floors were rotting out, every time we had a heavy rain we had to run to the windows with towels because so many of them leaked, and more applicable in this situation- my family did not have the money to save up for college for me, or any of my siblings.  Yes, I realize the government is apparently paying for his tuition, but that just proves my point even more, because Sam's gonna come out of this with no student loan debt!

S: Yup!

O: So poor my fucking ass!

S: Uh-huh.  Sam's mom shows up in his dorm room high is a goddamn kite because she apparently bought and ate some brownies from the bake sale not realizing that they were weed brownies.

O: And she's just gonna be a punchline for the next several scenes, sorry.

S: Yeah.  To just list a few of the things that his high as a kite mother does: She talks about him losing his virginity loudly, and kind of at length to various women in the hallway.  [nervous laugh] And in the surrounding environs, mentioning that his car is a talking robot, tackles a dude for some frisbees, and petitions Sam's dad for sex on the campus green.  Considering how much she ate it's very likely she will need to go to the hospital because her knees may attempt to kill her.

O: Uh, then we cut the Soundwave, apropos of nothing, uh, ejecting Ravage into space.  Look, I get him for 10 seconds I'm going to fucking enjoy it.

 S: Ravage’s design here is very prominent with the pointy bits and teeth.

O: Rawr. [laughs]

S: And he lands near a US military base and runs over to a pipe sticking out of the ground and basically- uh, ralphs up a bunch of itty-bitty bots?

O: Into the pipe.  Uh, you know.  So I’m just saying uh, Soundwave’s baby had babies, this clearly makes Soundwave a grandad.

B: [laugh]

S: All the bots fall down the pipe and once they're at the other end meld together to form a new bot that is...gah.

O: He's interesting!  At least, visually, in that he is basically flat, so he can be borderline invisible when he's looking head-on at something.

S: He looks like a knife raptor.

O: Uh, this thing's name is Reedman and he doesn't show up except in this one scene.  Uh, he also brings our ‘Decepticons voiced by Frank Welker’ count up to three after Soundwave and Ravage.

S: Reedman?

O: Reedman, yeah!  I looked at the wiki!

S: [laughs]

O: I looked at the wiki, and I was like, “That's a terrible name!” but that's the name!

S: I am judging whoever named that character, so hard.

O: [laughs] Aren't we just judging the entire movie?

S: Oh yes, but…Reedman?

O: Fuck if I know, man.

S: Another piece (aside from Sam's piece) of the AllSpark is being held here so, uh, Reedman gets to work stealing it.

O: Alarms begin to go off and several military guys arrive at the bunker and shoot at our knife raptor.

S: Ravage begins firing at the base to distract them.

O: I'm very amused he's got his tiny little hip missiles too!

S: Meanwhile, back at the plot we're all absolutely dying to continue- cough, cough, no, cough.

O: [laughs]

S: Sam's been dragged to a college frat party by his roommates?

O: It looks like a frat party.  I don't even know why they want to bring Sam uh, they don't even seem to like him.

S: Eh, they want to have someone less cool with them so that basically they can be like, “Hey, look at that lame guy, we're much cooler.”

O: Well, Sam is definitely the least cool person in the area right now due to mommy shenanigans.

S: Yeah, while at the party Sam is missing his first video call with Mikaela.  God, you are such a sucky long distance boyfriend, Sam!

O: Right!?  You had one job!  So we see Mikaela getting ready, taking her hair down and talking to her doggo while getting her computer set up.

S: Sam's- uh, promptly begins to spazz out by the uh, snack table and draws strange symbols with food.

O: These symbols are Cybertronian and the AllSpark fragment has helpfully downloaded a bunch of stuff directly into Sam's brain.

S: [sighs] We've upgraded from they want the glasses to they're going to want the brain, aren't they?

O: Something along those lines, yes!  Quite frankly, again, I think they can have it. [laughs]

S: One partygoer notices Sam's new hobby and saunters over to seduce herself to him.

O: [laughs] Uh, blondie's name is Alice, and don't worry we'll get to see her panties later because what the absolute fucking fuck Bay!?!

S: [sighs] Bay, why- why'd you hurt me so? [sighs] There's a discussion about girlfriends and Sam says, “kind of,” in regards to having one.

O: Kind of?  KIND OF!?!  Sam, you dick waffle!

S: [sighs] The quintessential jock yells, “Who drove the freaking yellow Camaro!?”

O: Sam’s Bee senses tingle, and he leaves the party.

 S: Bee is waiting outside on the lawn, or possibly the bushes but…

O: In that general vicinity! [laughs]

S: Yeah, but Alice follows him down and hops into Bee's passenger seat.

O: Bee attempts to communicate to Sam that this woman is ~baaaad news~ using various voice clips and songs.  And this would have been a really interesting bit if Bee did have his voice back and he had to communicate with Sam like this because he's doing it in front of Alice!

S: Yeah, like, that would have been interesting and a neat way of utilizing his past experience to communicate.

O: Yeah, because I- I don't know remember if we've talked about this super much but there- there's nothing wrong with Bee still relying a bit on that because it is kind of funny and entertaining to see.  It's- just make it so he has to use it in scenarios with other people around?

 S: Yeah, god, he could do so much with musical lyrics.

O: Pretty much!

S: Alice seems to know something is up, as Bee makes her as uncomfortable as physically possible as he can, including spraying her with a icky yellow liquid and slamming her into the dashboard.

O: She exits in a huff before Bumblebee takes Sam to a graveyard where the rest of the Autobots are waiting.

S: So that was night.  Now we are inexplicably in the daytime, I think?

O: Morning.  Early morning it looks like.

S: Yeah.  Optimus tells Sam the last piece (or as much as he is aware) of the AllSpark was stolen and attempts to convince Sam to remind the other humans why the Autobots are necessary and why they're trying to use a college student for this is a big question.

O: I don't know- and Sam says no, because he's just a normal college student.  I don't understand this, I feel like I would jump at a chance like this?  Like, dude, does it have good health insurance?  Does it have a pension?  Yes?  Sign me the fuck up!  But I want to ask, why the heck didn't Sam tell the Autobots here about the fragment he gave to Mikaela!?

S: Because he's a shitty little baby- I mean, obviously.

O: Oh, [unintelligible].  Then out in the middle of the ocean in a different movie… Over the Laurentian Abyss, which is where the dead Cons were dumped in the last movie.  Several Decepticons have stowed away on what looks like a cargo ship.

S: The fact that it's going directly over where they need to go is uh... they probably hacked it.

O: Wouldn't shock me.

S: Yeah, so who the Decepticons are is absolutely unimportant.  The only recognizable one is Ravage.

O: And I think only one other one will actually get named.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, so they all jump off the ship and into the water, and I have to you know, bring up- they specifically said they dumped the dead bodies into this trench because of the pressure and cold in the last movie.  So, why are all these Cons just perfectly fine with a little skinny dipping?

S: I mean, maybe it's just supposed to keep- I don't know, whatever self-repair systems the dead ones have from working and it doesn't do shit to like, perfectly fine robots?  I don’t know.

O: They were using cold as a weapon against them in one though. Like, against Bee.

S: That's absolutely true, but I mean, if cold didn't [did] do anything to them how would they operate in space?

O: I don't know, but they clearly had Megatron on ice.

S: Who knows... yeah.

O: And he got frozen in the Arctic!

S: Yeah, I know, the entire thing is garbage.  It may be- maybe water- maybe frozen water is their kryptonite?  God. [laughs]

O: Welcome to Earth! [laughs]

S: Why didn't they dismember the Decepticons, or incinerate them?  Or you know, take important parts, crush them, destroy them or whatever.  Like, throw them in 100 different places- that would work a lot better than this!  Run them through a trash compactor or something, before they dump them down into the Laurentian tre- Abyss.

 O: I’ll tell you exactly why.  Uh, because the government put out a bid for trash removal and the lowest bidder won.

S: The government does stupid things, many times. [sighs] We see a military sub monitoring this area, reading the five Cybertronian life signs.

O: They reach Megatron and a little doctor bot (whose name is Scalpel), starts uh, poking around at his corpse.

 S: [sighs] He shouts about his need for parts, and one of the nameless Constructicons is offed.  The parts and the AllSpark fragment are all shoved into Megatron.

O: So Megatron's back.

S: Yup.

O: And yet, still voiced by Hugo Weaving so I don't care.  No offense, Hugo Weaving.  Uh, get back to me in two movies.  Also notice they didn't kill Ravage here, because I'm entirely convinced Soundwave would end them.

S: Probably, because I mean, they did like- the little doctor boss specified, “Kill the little one!”

O:  It- to- pointing to a random Constructicon.

S: Yeah.  Fun bout of bad continuity, the radar shows the five life signs, as Ravage and Scalpel are both too small to show up, and then uh, when they come up they have six life signs but uh, you'll remember they had to kill a Constructicon down there.  So uh, it should be this same number, even with Megatron in tow.  Or maybe they brought the other Con- Decepticons back to life, I don't know?

O: I don't think so, we never see them.  They could have brought Blackout back to life, but we'll get into why they didn't later.

S: I mean maybe they brought uh, shoot- Scorponok?

O: No, Scorponok never died in the first movie.

S: Oh… well… yeah.

O: He just- they got his tail like-

S: Oh, that’s right.

O: The- the army guys cut off his tail but then he disappeared.

S: Oh, that's right.  Mm.

O: Megatron's apparently salty enough at humans though, in general, to smash through this- the military sub on his way up, so all those people are dead now.

S: He'd do that even if he wasn't feeling salty, you know that.

O: Oh yeah, he's a bastard, but you know.

S: Uh, Megatron flies to one of Saturn's moons where the Nemesis is being uh, well, it's parked and is used as a base by some of the remaining Decepticons, which includes our old buddy Starscream.  And he knocks Starscream around for taking over the Decepticons while he was ‘away’.

O: You know, while he was literally fucking dead. [laughs]

S: And so we are introduced to the Darth Sidious to Megatron's Darth Maul.

O: Including liberal use of the word ‘disciple’!

S: [sighs] So much sighing.  This is the Fallen whose name we will not find out in the movie itself because it would be really fucking confusing to have Megatron, and his master, Megatronus, running around.

O: Also, um, a bunch of little baby robots in pods?  On the wall.

S: Robot eggs.  So many robot eggs.

O: But no really, I'm not sure we can explain that any better than we just did- so just roll with it.

S: Yeah.  Anyway, the Fallen isn't shown to have an alt mode in this, but once you see him you do realize he was the Transformer that was shown at the very beginning of the movie while Optimus was monologuing.

O: And as kind of mentioned previously, he looks vaguely like the queen from Alien, but you know, with eyes and a huge staff he fights with.

S: And less arms and no tail.

O: Yeah.  Apparently though, only a Prime can kill the Fallen.  Don't ask us how the fuck that works!

S: I guess only a Prime can kill a Prime?  Because wasn't the Fallen a Prime?

O: Yes, he was considered a Prime but I don't- I still don't know how the mechanics of that work is what I'm getting at.

S: Is it just a weird cultural hangup?

O: I- I don't know!  That's what I'm saying, it's never explained!

S: I know, I know.  This will get weird in a bit.

O: [laughs]

S: It will! [sighs]

O: But they're like, “So if we remove that one pesky remaining Prime we’ll be off scot-free!” [laughs]

S: Yep.  The Fallen explains that the AllSpark cannot be destroyed it can merely be transformed.

O: Everything transforms on Cybertron, but right now the AllSpark is currently living rent free in Sam's head.

S: And I think he wants some goddamn rent, but I think we all want some goddamn rent for having this living rent free in our heads.

O: [laughs] Right!?!  Bay, you should pay us for watching this movie!

S: [sighs] So, the Decepticons are going to go after Sam (again), kill Optimus, or at least make another attempt at it (again), and presumably somehow use Sam's brain as they AllSpark.

O: But then Starscream walks in holding a dead robot baby, waving it around and saying they need more Energon or all the hatchlings will continue to die.

S: Well, someone apparently… uh.

O: I just don't know why this is here. I'm sorry, I don't- I don't know why they felt the need to have Starscream motioning while holding a dead baby!

S: [laughs] Being a very bad nurse maid-

O: Yes!  But now it's time to go back to school.

S: I already want to hit someone in this class well, multiple someones.  Sam is setting it in on his physics class.

O: With the absolute creepiest, filthiest, fucking professor I have seen in a good long while.

S: Ah, innuendos, a god complex, this man is so many sexual harassment lawsuits, and a restraining order waiting to happen.

O: This is not appealing!  Who the fuck does this appeal to?

S: I don't know but I'm ace, so I'm possibly not the best person to ask.

O: Is this a straight woman thing!?  Where the hell are we gonna find one of those this time of night?

B: [laugh]

S: Sam starts freaking out like he was uh, doing at the party, writing equations, and stuff all over the board.  He basically gets up, and bowls his way into- up to the front of the class and basically shows up the shitty professor.

O: Uh, Bulkhead did this in Prime, I'd like to personally nominate Bulkhead as our main character instead of Sam.

S: Oh yeah, Bulkhead would be a much more fun character.  Sam is promptly kicked out of the class uh, because showing up the professor and also the fact that the dean is apparently there.  So he's been- that professor has been like this while the dean is there.

O: Yes, so, uh, obviously he's sleeping with the old lady too, is what I'm getting from this.

S: That's creepy, it's even worse!  I mean, this is a female dean.

O: Yeah, female dean not just a random like, male dean, I mean an older female dean!

S: [sighs] Oh god.  Sam calls Mikaela mid freak out, and realizes that the AllSpark has caused his little problem.

O: Uh, so he asks her to bring the AllSpark fragment to him on the East Coast.  Uh, by the way I would just like to take a moment to tell you this very important information, Mikaela's dog's name is Bones.

S: Uh, the little remote controlled truck Decepticon, who we regret to inform you is this universe's version of Wheelie, uhh, is stalking around the garage where Mikaela is.

O: Wheelie, uh, clearly hasn't gotten the memo on you know, Mikaela taking out a Decepticon with a power tool in the first movie, decides to be a dumbass and say, “You're hot, but you're not too bright,” as he attempts to steal the AllSpark fragment.

S: The fact that Wheelie has some sort of metric for human um, attractiveness is honestly, really concerning.

O: Just a little bit.

S: [sighs]

O: Uh, predictably though, Mikaela fucks him up with a welding torch, including taking out one of his optics.

S: Wheelie begs for mercy from the Warrior Goddess.

O: At last Mikaela is given a proper title.

S: Uh-huh, and then Mikaela shoves him in a box and hops on a plane.

O: Metal box, I feel like it's important it does actually hold him.

S: Yeah, a metal box, and hops on a plane with him and the AllSpark.  And honestly this feels like something that she couldn't successfully do after 9/11.

O: Which is hilarious, because this was definitely filmed after 9/11.  So we just have to go with she's so sexy that she was able to get the big metal box on the plane without having to go through an x-ray.

S: Except that everything that goes on the plane when you check it should go through x-ray…

O: I know, I know!

S: Or-

O: Boobs!  The power of boobs!

S: Never mind that the power of boobs should not, you know, somehow affect the people that do not get exposed to the boobs.

O: See- see this is why uh, this movie would have been stopped in its tracks if one of the TSA agents had been a woman- a straight woman.

S: Or one of the people who sorts stuff or- because like, just imag-

O: It looked like it was her carry-on.

S: Now I'm just imagining that the people, because like you know how they sometimes go and randomly open bags to go through the contents? [laugh] I'm just imagining someone doing that and then there being a major freak out because out comes a stupid remote controlled car that’s yelling at everyone.

O: [laughs] Yeah… yeah.

S: Uh, then we cut to a short segment showing that all the Autobots are heading to locations on the East Coast as the rest of N.E.S.T. mobilizes.

O: But wait!  Decepticon pretenders are afoot at Princeton!

S: That's not ominous at all.  Sam is in his room going nuts and writing stuff on the wall.

O: Uh, and then Alice pushes her way into Sam's room and attempts a rather forceful seduction. 

S: She straight up picks him up and tosses him on the bed.

O: Which really should have been his first clue that something was very wrong!

S: Yeah, because Alice is not uh, portrayed as a…

O: A big woman.

S: Yes.

O: She's very slight and conventionally attractive.

S: Yeah, so she gets on top of him, and then we get the most awkward shot of Decepticon panties as the metal tail comes out from underneath Alice's extremely short dress.

O: Thanks for that Michael Bay.  I always, always wondered what brand of underpants Decepticons were wear, given the chance.

S: [sighs] She kisses Sam, apparently with tongue, and Mikaela walks in and is understandably pissed.

O: Alice asks if she's his girlfriend and Mikaela just says, “Ex,” and walks out, and I'm just like, “Yes, girl DRAG him!”

S: And meanwhile, Leo is sort of fluttering around in the background.

O: Yes, uh, because Alice pushed past him to get into their dorm room.

S: Sam attempts to follow, but Alice is 99% done with his dumb ass.

O: Uh, she attempts to strangle him with her suddenly very long and metal tongue.

S: Ah, that has apparently been places I do not want to think about.

O: I do not want to think about any of this, yeah.

S: Yeah.  Sam is able to escape, and we see Alice transform into a very obvious robot.

O: Sam, Mikaela, and Leo run into a nearby library where Sam and Mikaela begin having a whisper argument.

S: They're busy whisper shouting this entire time.  Alice catches up and smashes through the library, still chasing them.

O: I'm surprised this thing still has hair in robot mode.

S: Hair?  I mean its still got boobs!

O: Bay, what the fuck!?

B: [laugh]

O: So they hop in the car, Mikaela saves both their butts by hot wiring it, and slamming Alice into a lamp post before running her over again with the car.

S: Where was Bumblebee during all of this?

O: Uh, he was actually with the Autobots a few- the other Autobots a few scenes back, so he's definitely not here.

S: Yeah unfortunately Sam and company don't get very far and are captured by Grindor who picks them up like, so you know those uh, claw machines-

O: [laughs]

S: At grocery stores?  Grindor basically does that and then he carries them off, like- they’re his claw machine loot.  Nearly losing one in the process.

O: I mean, truely, they kind of are.  So, uh, you- to- get- you know how I just mentioned that they definitely couldn't have brought Blackout back to life?  That is because Grindor looks exactly like Blackout, but he's not Blackout.  Because Blackout died at the end of the last movie, and we totally thought he was Blackout and he's even listed as Blackout on some of the toys and a good chunk of promotional material, but- but he's a different character.  I don't know why they did this.

S: I don't know they wanted to keep the trademark in use, maybe?

O: [groans]

S: For the Grindor name, because they used it- I think, in anime- Armada.  I think they used it in Armada, so this was probably just blatant patent-

O: It was bad though. [laughs]

S: Oh yeah, I know.  Or um, trade- name trademarks?  I don't know.

O: But he makes a Decepticon number four voiced by Welker.

S: Mm-hm.  So, the car is dropped into some kind of warehouse where Sam is confronted by the now very alive Megatron.

O: Who's definitely holding a grudge against Sam for the whole ‘killing him in the last movie’ thing.

S: Yep, Sam is laid out on a concrete slab and Scalpel gets to work.  Starting with shoving a metal squid down Sam's throat, uhh…

O: No, no, no!  No, no, no, no, NOPITY, nope, nope, nope nope!

S: Yeah, this is uh, pretty gross and I don't like it and I don't think anyone else likes it either.  A metal squid uh, exits his mouth and projects images of what's in Sam's brain. [groans]

O: But!  This is apparently not all the information in his brain, as Scalpel definitely intends to remove it from his head.

S: Sam is saved just in time by the Autobots.

O: I want to know how Megatron even got into this warehouse.  There's not any like, big holes that we can see or anything, aside from the one Grindor- when Grindor dropped the car through.

S: Yeah, there really don't seem to be any openings big enough for him that we can see.

O: Okay, just going to assume mass shifting in this continuity for no good reason, okay.

S: Either that or he did the stupid ‘I'm a contortionist’ through the door, which seems way more respect for the -

O: [laughs] Robot limbo!

S: That seems to be way more uh, respect for the integrity of this building than Megatron should feel.

O: Yes!

S: Ah, so, um, Leo and Mikaela escape in Bee while Optimus takes Sam.

O: So they're separated, and Optimus has to fight Megatron alone.  And Megatron turns into a tank for a split second!  I didn't even realize this version of him could BE a tank!

S: Yeah, he's a multiformer?

O: Apparently!

[In the background crowd noises are heard as the hosts begin speaking like sports announcers.]

O: But now, it's the match of the century here at the Forest Fighting arenaaaa!

S: It's Megatron versus Optimus tonight, folks!

O: The Warlord himself versus Optimus Fucking Prime! [laughs]

[A wrestling bell rings in the background to signify the start of the match.]

S: Optimus gets a good right hook in.

O: Right before being tackled by Megatron!

S: Is that legal?

O: Hell if I know!  It's giant robots, it's all the same amount of legal!

S: Oh!  He's got the tree!

[The crowd increases in volume.]

S: Optimus has got the tree!

O: What a hit, you know that one must have hurt!

S: And now it's a sword fight?  They both are up and swinging away!

O: It just turned into a three-on-one match, folks!

[The crowd begins booing.]

S: Oh no- no, Optimus- Starscream and Grindor have joined the fray!

O: Wait, somehow a human's gotten into the arena.

S: Starscream and Megatron are chasing him down.

[The crowd increases in volume]

O: But Optimus has intercepted them and has taken them both on!

S: Starscream has been tossed out of the arena- out of bounds, out of bounds!

O: Optimus has gone through a tree!

S: Now the Cons are all just taking turns hitting him.  You hate to see it folks, you hate to see it!

O: Optimus is eatin’ dirt!

S: But he's back and now dual wielding blades!

O: Grindor’s lost an arm!

S: Megatron’s taken a good one to the kneecap.

O: And hit to the face!

S: That's it!  That's it for Grindor!  Hook, line and sinker!

[The crowd roars.]

O: Oh, he must have a splittin’ headache!

S: Or at least he would if he still had a head.

O: But Optimus is distracted before taking the blade to the chest!

[A wrestling bell sounds to signify the end of the match.]

O: That's it!  It's all over!  Optimus is down, I repeat- Optimus is down!  Megatron's the winner!

[Applause and the crowd noise fades out]

O: No really, Optimus is dead now, because Bay wants to make us feel things.

S: Except very badly, and unfortunately, this Optimus didn’t back up his brain on a floppy disk.  And I mean there is no pathos here!

O: Of course somehow during all of this no one ends our suffering by squishing Sam accidentally or otherwise.

S: [sighs]

O: [laughs]

S: The rest of the Autobots drive up just in time to see Optimus body.

O: Where the fuck were they!?!

S: Being useless.

O: Yeah, that checks out.

S: Megatron and Starscream flee and land on a skyscraper in the middle of a city, and then argue about what to do next.  And we cut to Soundwave doing what he does best, remotely managing resources.

O: Which in this case means tracking Sam's parents down in Paris as they enjoy some fine parisian food, and prank calling them.

S: Yeah, his mom is not impressed about the heavy breathing.  Such as it is.

O: We then see several Decepticons, including The Fallen, fall to Earth taking out several air carriers and buildings as they land.

S: One of these Decepticons captures Sam's parents.

O: The Fallen sends out a tv broadcast basically spelling out that he wants Sam turned over to him in order to spare the rest of the planet.

S:  Ah, the news story is shown, letting us know that worldwide the number of casualties is in the ballpark of seven thousand, and well, that's not as horrifying as it came across initially, but mmm…

O: Just seven thousand, for the entire world?  I, for one, welcome our Decepticon overlords.  In case you're watching this in the future, we're recording this at the tail end of 2020 and we live in the US.  That's literally less than 30% of the US’ current Covid death count at this point- eh- while we were researching this episode.  It's probably more now.

S: Sam, Mikaela, Leo, Bee, and the Twins are hiding out in, and around some abandoned buildings.

O: Leo's upset, but Sam tells him to suck it up because he's involved now.

S: A helicopter dumps Optimus’ body over at N.E.S.T., and that was not a respectful handling of a dead body.

O: To be fair, he is very big, and the humans are very small, and that was not an Autobot helicopter.

S: Yeah, but that was effectively a world leader.

O: Yeah, Ironhide is upset and uh, begins to get antsy with his guns.

S: Mr. Government Weasel shows up and shuts N.E.S.T. down.  Lennox gets upset when he realizes the US government is planning out to hand Sam over.

O: And they're right to consider it!  You should (theoretically speaking) hand over one person if has the possibility of stopping a massive amount of death!

S: The problem is it wouldn't stop the massive amount of death, and it would just let them basically strip mine the planet because the Decepticons- the name starts with deception.

O: Fair, but the only ones who would know that are the Autobots and possibly members of N.E.S.T.  From the perspective of government officials, who do not have this information, it makes sense.

S: Yeah.  Skids and Mudflap clue the group in on trying to find someone who can read the Cybertronian text the AllSpark downloaded into Sam's brain.

O: Leo has decided to join them on their uh, “adventure”.

S: In quotation marks.  Which is probably uh, for the best because he knows a guy who might be able to help.

O: Remember the rival internet guy from before?

S: Guess who's back from the first movie, and it might not be your first thought!

O: That's right, Agent Simmons from the first movie, who is no longer- is a no longer an agent, is Robo-Warrior.

S: I feel like the tech guy from the first movie would have probably made a better Robo-Warrior.

O: Yeah, I do too... I do too.

S: [sighs] So, Sam and company arrive at Simmons’ mom's deli, or possibly his deli that his mom works at too or something?  I don't know it…

O: It's not very clear.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, come to find out that Simmons has held on to some old Sector 7 documents.

S: Not just some, uh, he stole a lot of shit from Sector 7.  Like, enough to fill like a sub basement.

O: [snorts] Uh, now Mikaela pulls out Wheelie, who has been in tow in the metal box.

S: Uh-huh.

O: Uh, smooth talking him into helping them.

S: Wheelie also can't read the writing from before, saying that it's in the ‘language of the Primes’ and that they need a Seeker.

O: I had completely forgotten they referred to these guys as Seekers until we watched this again.  I kind of had a ‘what the fuck’ moment.

S: Same.  Seekers, in this continuity are ancient Cybertronians that had been tasked with traveling the galaxy, looking for stars to use as energy sources for the AllSpark.  This is a little bit of a hint, hint, hint, for uh, something that might happen later.

O: In a convenient coinkydink, some of Simmons’ old documents show several of these Seekers in their alt modes.

S: Wheelie is able to identify an SR-71 Blackbird in the National Air and Space Museum as a Seeker.

O: So off the gang goes to Washington DC.

S: Outside the National Air and Space Museum, Simmons rips off his pants, revealing the Sector 7 thong to the audience... and then turns around so we can get the view from every angle.  That’s-

O: No, no, no.  I did not need to see robot balls.  I did not need to see hairy man balls, and I certainly did not need to see hairy man ass!  I'm not even sure why he did this!?  I assume he changed pants but I don't know why he did that right here, in a parking lot, in front of everyone!

S: For the pain, I don't know.

O: [laughs]

S: And thus, they come up with the most amazing scheme to get into the museum as it's closing.  Leo's being a coward and Simmons intimidates him a bit.

O: Oh god!  That man is pressing his man meat against that man's meat!

S: [sighs] Inside the museum, Leo comes out of the bathroom with his pants… mmm, like, down around his ankles, looking for toilet paper.

O: Why did they want to do this to me?  I am feeling personally attacked by the quantity of hairy man I am seeing in this movie!

S: Why are they doing this to us?  It’s not just to you-

O: Why are they doing this to everyone!?! [laughs]

S: Yeah.  The security guard escorts Leo back into the bathroom, chastising him about how this is a family museum.

O: Yeah, the only one guy doing their job here is the security guard, okay?

S: Yeah, and [he] attempts to hand them toilet paper over the top of the stall.

O: Leo then zaps him with a taser and the man falls to the ground.

S: Of course Leo manages to uh, taze himself with the taser too and falls down, kind of by the guy, and is unable to move.

O: Simmons comes in and drags Leo, still twitching, out of the bathroom.

S: I am hoping that his pants are up, but god who knows with this movie-

O: I don't think they were when he started dragging him. [laughs]

S: God, why?

O: Oh, there was butt- his butt cheeks were ALL over that floor.

S: [sighs] So, they run through the museum and find the correct jet, and then Sam uses the AllSpark fragment on that jet.

O: You would think that perhaps, perhaps, before using an AllSpark fragment to wake a Cybertronian up you might check his goddamn faction badge first but, NOOOO!  It’s only after the jet begins to transform they notice the goddamn Decepticon symbol.

S: We are introduced to easily what is not only the best robot character in this movie, but quite possibly the best character in the movie, period.

O: Meet Jetfire!  He's old, he's cranky, he's a delight, and he's got a pretty sweet looking beard.

S: Yep, and a cane made from his alt mode’s landing gear.  You know, for extra old man points.

O: Now bit of a tangent, but in G1 you will remember Skyfire.  Our big sweetie pie scientist.

S: Starscream’s ex, you can't forget that.

O: Can’t forget that, and also frequently utilized as a taxi service by the Autobots.

S: Well, Skyfire is often named Jetfire instead, depending on the continuity.  You know, name stuff is weird...

O: Yeah, and- but this Jetfire doesn't have too much in common with our big old scientist, I just wanted to point out that he was clearly referencing him.  Um, but the one thing he does have in common and the most important thing to the idiots we're following, is that he is a Decepticon defector.

S: Mm-hmm.  Jetfire attempts to fire at a large door to get outside but is uh, having some uh, ‘performance issues’ with his equipment.

O: [laughs] Uh, he is able to get outside, so our party follows him um... into Arizona.  And yes, we know that movies often have to be shot at other locations, or fudge locations and make certain events work.  But I find this one particularly jarring as they are clearly in a desert with mountains off in the distance which does not line up with the geography around Washington DC.

S: Yeah, considering that it was what, a swamp?

B: [laugh]

O: Definitely not a desert with mountains!

S: Yeah, ah, this part was actually filmed at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group, or The Boneyard, in Tuscan, Arizona.

O: Jetfire gives a speech about how being an Autobot or a Decepticon is a choice.

S: An intensely personal choice, even.  And Wheelie's like, “Holy shit it IS!?!”

O: And proceeds to start humping Mikaela's leg, charming.

S: [long drawn out sigh] So many sighs.

O: [laughs] I don't understand all the humping in this movie Bay, I really don't.

S: Juvenile male humor?

O: I guess?

S: Guys think humping shit is funny, somehow?  I don't know. [sighs] Jetfire shows his uh, senility a little bit talking about his parents.

O: “My father?  Why he was a wheel!  The first wheel, and you know what he transformed into?  Nothing!  But he did so with honor- dignity, damn it!”

S: And that is a direct quote-

O: [laughs]

S: Straight from the man himself!

O: He's a delight.

S: [sighs] Sam pulls out a knife and begins carving the uh, Cybertronian symbols into the ground.  I mean, where- where'd he get the knife?  I have questions.

O: Thong man?  Probably?

S: Disconcerting- disconcertingly, yes, that is probable.  Um, Jetfire blabbers off about the Dagger's Tip before generating a space bridge, and teleporting everyone to Egypt with uh, very little warning.  I mean the only warning he gives them is, “Hold on or you'll die!” to the nearby squishies

O: I also feel like we need to preface, Dagger's Tip as in a location, not talking about the- the knife Sam is holding.  Realize that might be a little confusion without- confusing without context.

S: Yeah, and are Bumblebee and the Twins… are also here?

O: The Twins are also here translated- trans- translated?  Transported.

S: Okay, because yeah, they apparently showed up after they they exited and mass translocated to Arizona. [sighs] Life is weird in this movie.

O: Yeah, so uh, then Jetfire informs us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away… The original seven Primes had arrived on Earth to build a device called a Star Harvester which can create Energon by destroying suns.  Wait, seven!?!  Did they just pick a number at random!?

S: Probably.  I don't think whoever it was making this movie cared about the lore that was in other parts of the series.

O: At least seven is also a prime number…

S: Yeah... I mean, heck, I don't remember if they had a different number in [the] Cybertron [tv series]?  Because Cybertron I think, did have a list of Primes.

O: I think the number’s are usually 13.

S: Yeah, but it's just- I don't remember when that number came up-

O: Mm- that’s fair.

S: If it was before or after this.

[Okay, this is mildly confusing, (as Transformers lore often is) but the rough concept for The Thirteen has been around since 1999, but was really only solidified in 2004-2005 into specifically, Thirteen Primes.  All that being said, even if that wasn’t established in the first movie, it certainly would have been by the time they were creating the sequel. Also, several adaptations of this movie do have thirteen Primes, not seven, and designs had been created for 12 (non-Fallen) Prime heads, so who knows what the heck happened with this behind the scenes. ~O]

S: Yeah, and while they had a rule about not destroying suns that supported life, the Fallen decided that the humans sucked, and tried to turn it on anyway because-

O: He's a dick! [laughs]

S: He was basically the equivalent of a pissy house proud lady who, with a- whose house had a mouse infestation and he wanted to demolish it anyway but… The humans are the mice in this metaphor.

O: [laughs] Uh, the Primes tried to fight him but were unable to actually defeat him.

S: Considering that only a Prime is supposed to be able to defeat the Fallen this is somehow extremely disappointing.  So they took the Matrix of Leadership and sealed it in a tomb made of their own bodies.

O: The Matrix of Leadership is a reoccurring McGuffin in the Transformers lore, but for some inexplicable reason in this continuity it is basically just a ‘key’ for the Star Harvester.

S: Well, I think it also has some other purposes, considering what they end up using it for later… but yeah, it's primarily just the horse- blah, the Star Harvester key.  Jetfire conveys that Sam needs to find the Matrix of Leadership or they're all fucked.  I mean, what happened?  Did turning on Jetfire completely destroy the AllSpark fragment or is it just... dead now?  Could they use that to re-awaken Optimus body?

O: I mean yeah, you would think right!?  Because like, they- they did- they- that's how they brought Megatron back but nobody thought of this!

S: I mean didn't they already have a thing that they could have used to just, wake Optimus up?

O: Maybe?  I don't know.  I don't know.  Moving right along!  Um-

S: I want answers!  Sorry...

O:  We're not gonna get ‘em.  And then presumably, they leave Jetfire in the desert because he needs a good long nap after generating a whole ass space bridge.

S: Well, he basically tells them to get lost before any Auto- before any Decepticons show up.

O: Yeah, because assumably he's gonna take a nap.

S: Yeah, I mean- I think another Decepticon does show up at some point in the novelization, but who knows. I think grandpa beats his pants- or beats his ass.  Sam reaches the conclusion that if the Matrix of Leadership can activate the Sun Harvester then maybe it could reactivate Optimus, like some sort of robot activating skeleton key.

O: Seems like a bit of a reach, but alright.

S: No one knows what's going on here, so I guess, sure!  Let's run with it.

S: They stop by a nearby village allowing Simmons to contact N.E.S.T. and somewhat covertly tell them that they need to bring Optimus’ corpse over to Egypt.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Oh, this is going to be so many… ugh, so many problems.

O: Soundwave is still able to figure out what the fuck they're saying though, and deploys the Decepticons to the same location that Simmons had given N.E.S.T.  You know, do you think his back hurts?  You know, from carrying his entire faction?

S: Probably, but I mean, he's in space so there's not much weight up there right now.

O: [laughs] Probably lessens the feeling a little bit.

S: Using some gibberish about the ‘three kings’ and also, astrological knowledge, Sam is able to figure out where the Primes’ tomb is and uh, the group heads towards the mountains of Petra.

O: Lennox's group has also brought the government weasel with them along on their ‘Definitely Not Transporting a Giant Robot Corpse’ mission, and then they fool him into jumping out of the plane.  So they can carry on without interruption.

S: Slightly less jumping out of the plane and slightly more uh, fooling him into opening the damn parachute that uh, they got the man to wear and then he gets swept out because--

O: It was a parachute. [laughs]

S: Moving plane, open door, there goes the- there goes the parachute.  Oops!  So much wind.

O: And it really might be one of the funniest scenes in the entire movie.  It also reads entirely too close to something our DND group would pull.

S: Oh yeah, yeah.

B: [laugh]

O: Ask our DM!

S: Oh, any one of our DMs.

O: Any one of our DMs, but I'm particularly talking about when my poor husband had to DM.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about the ‘whale’ incident.

[My husband regretted that our party had the ability to summon large creatures and portals on that day. ~O]

So Sam and company arrive at Petra.

O: For the non-documentary nerds among us, uh, Petra is an ancient city in Southern Jordan.  While it does contain more structures than the treasury (which is what I think they show here) uh, this is probably one of the most famous.  You may recognize it as the resting place of the Holy Grail in the Indiana Jones movies.  And as we were watching, I had a minor panic attack at the giant robots possibly breaking things.

S: Oh, and the giant robots definitely break things.  The Twins fight, and hit a wall or a fresco.  Revealing a hollow area behind it with uh, very noticeable giant robot bits.

O: [laughs] Then Bee takes aim at the wall and I have another panic attack.  Though to be fair, he's got very good aim and only makes what is arguably a very small hole.

S: Through the giant robot bits.  Sam enters the new hole in the wall and finds the Matrix of Leadership on the floor.  I guess, cradled in the hands of the Prime corpses?  Which- this is super morbid!

O: [laughs]

S: When he picks it up, uh, it crumbles into dust.  So, Sam does the only thing he can think of, he sweeps all that dust into his sock.

O: Time to go resurrect Optimus with dirty sock dust!

S: Is it the sock of destiny?

O: It is now.

S: I guess it awakens giant robots, but leaves buildings standing.

O: [snorts]

S: All the while uh, he talks about there having to be some sort of reason for everything that's happening.

O: Uh, to quote a much better character, “It's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose,” so Sam you're full of shit.

S: Yep, back with N.E.S.T. uh, they yeet Optimus’ corpse out of the plane and I believe Optimus has parachutes again here?

O: Probably.

S: I mean, if he doesn't that is just so much corpse desecration.

O: [laughs] And it seems like we arrive back where we started in the first movie, as it looks like they're back in that little desert town where the fight with Scorponok took place.  You know, they just- they're just gotta destroy it again.

S: And if that's not that same town it looks extremely similar.

O: Starscream begins firing on Sam and co as they head to the rendezvous location with N.E.S.T.

S: [sighs] The group splits up in order to draw the fire away from Sam.

O: Leo, Simmons, and the twins head off. Bee heads off in another direction, and then Sam and Mikaela head towards Optimus’ location on foot.

S: This seems like a bad allocation of resources but, ohh-kay.

O: [chuckles]

S: N.E.S.T. also spots Starscream, but he has released an EMP burst, cutting off all their communication.

O: Government weasel however, has landed safe and sound and is able to reach (and annoy!) the N.E.S.T. headquarters.

S: Yep and N.E.S.T. uh, headquarters is frustrated that weasel can contact them but they can't contact Lennox's group.

O: Simmons group stops uh, once they realize Starscream has stopped following them.

S: Megatron and Starscream (none too gently) land on the Great Pyramid.

O: God damn, more defacing world heritage sites?

S: Well, the Egyptian authorities would definitely have um, a case against them for this.  Because you know, they they charge people with doing dumb ill-advised things on the pyramids

O: I dunno how you're gonna get money out of Megatron but, alright! [laughs]

S: Eh, I'd go with the blood from the stone thing, and literally selling off materials from his body, but who knows?  That's also very morbid.  Um, Megatron orders an attack and Devastator forms out of more than the requisite number of constructicons from G1.

O: And Devastator makes our last Welker voiced Con for the day, bringing our number up to five-

S: And it’s-

O: -out of 12.

S: And spoiler alert uh, Devastator looks nothing like G1 Devastator, and also this is in like- the same location that Simmons and Leo are at.

O: Yep.  Sam and Mikaela though are continuing their march towards N.E.S.T.  All the while trying to avoid Decepticons, and thus hide in one of the nearby houses.

S: Ah, I like the lighting in the scene, the lighting is very nice.  So one wall is mostly structured from uh, glass bottles.  You know, provides some very nice ambient lighting without the need of electricity.  It just- it's very pleasant.  It's a very pretty look

O: Then we get a really nifty scene of the Decepticons looking for them that's basically, one big long continuous shot of it going out of a hole Sam is looking out, going around the scene and then going back through I think, the keyhole?  For the door to the house they're in.

S: Yeah, that sort of continuous shot's very nice.  You don't see those very often.  Sam catches a tiny Decepticon bug that comes through the hole, leading to them being found, and the house's roof being ripped off by Starscream.

O: They attempt to escape.

S: The Twins uh, begin to fight Devastator, while the combiner tries to eat everybody with his horrifying trash-compactor-crusher mouth.

O: Mudflap is eaten, but doesn't go down easy and punches his way out of Devastator's mouth.

S: The Decepticons reveal that they are holding Sam's parents hostage.

O: But they're all saved by the timely arrival of Bee.

S: Ravage is killed when Bee rips his entire body off his spine??

O: How does Ravage keep ending up in two pieces in these things?

S: I think technically he might be in more than two pieces, but ughhh...

O: Meh, I'm just saying- there was the spine in one hand, and the rest of them in the other hand, at least from my memory.

S: I know, it's just- god, unfortunately this feels a whole lot like shucking an ear of corn.

O: [laugh] Oh, god- yeah... yeah... yeah.

S: [sighs] I'm sorry for that image.

O: Sam uh, tells Bee to take his parents out of danger once they- he- they've gotten them away from the Cons.

S: Uh, Sam's dad argues with him in what we're assuming is supposed to be a counter to his no caring attitude about Sam going off to college in the movie.  One of the only positive things is his dad's care- for his dad's character is that he does seem to want to take care of- take care of his son.

O: Pity doesn't show more.

S: Yeah.

O: Okay, tangent, but you may have noticed we're being less descriptive about things that are happening at this point in the story.  That's because we basically hit a point where the remainder is a gigantic action scene and not really much else.

S: Yeah, it's a whole lot of punch, punch, switch scene, punch, punch, switch scene.

O: Yeah, so-

S: Shoot, shoot, shoot.

O: We're trying, but if something doesn't really make sense it's because stuff is swapping and not a lot is happening.  Oddly enough this movie is actually a good example of why you should keep things simple, from a storytelling perspective.  And yeah, I know if you examine the basis of this movie's plot it is pretty simple, but instead of just, you know, actually going from point a to point b there's just a ton of waypoints kind of getting in the way of the action that’s actually happening.  Uh, like, “Oh well, we'd better go over to this set for yet another action sequence!”  Nothing that's happened in the last 30 or so minutes has really mattered to the overall plot because it's just action sequence, action sequence, action sequence.

S: Yup, dirt, explosions, running, falling down.

O: Rinse and repeat.

S: There is nothing of substance here.  Speaking of pointless, it's back to Simmons for absolutely no reason.

O: Uh, Megatron's been on top of the Great Pyramid doing nothing this entire freaking time and now he chooses to shoot down a helicopter.

S: I don't think he's even been monologuing.

O: Yeah, he hasn't!  He has- that's what I mean, nothing!  He's not even doing anything interesting!

S: Simmons takes the radio from the pilot of said downed helicopter and follows after Devastator as he heads toward the Great Pyramid.

O: American Army porn.

S: And Air Force.  And Navy, [sighs] probably?

O: [groans]

S: Sam and Mikaela are spotted by Ironhide and the three Arcees.

O: Two Arcees are downed by some Cons after their one speaking line in the entire freaking movie.

S: Devastator begins climbing the Great Pyramid.

O: Is Megatron waiting up there for Devastator?!  Is- is it just too much work to wreck the pyramid by himself?

S: He's got all of these lackeys, he wants the lackeys to do shit for him.

O: Oh, lord.

S: Simmons follows and contacts the Navy.

O: Okay- okay, the only thing I can think of here is that they needed Simmons to do something.  Otherwise, why the heck do they call in military reinforcements then call in yet more military reinforcements!?

S: More American Army porn.

O: [sighs] Devastator demolishes the top of the pyramid.  Yes, yes, destroying more history, yes, yes.

S: Yet more American Army porn!

O: And then Megatron chases Sam and Mikaela as they approach N.E.S.T.

S: After many, many, MANY, explosions, Sam and Mikaela reach Lennox.

O: Who's like, “You'd better have a good reason for us to be here!”

S: “I got a sock full of dust!”

O: [laughs] Yes, you do Sam.  Yes, you do.

S: [sighs] Jetfire shows up, taking out a Con with his cane.

O: Then Scorponok, you know, from the first movie, immediately shows up just to stab Jetfire and ruin all of our days.

S: You know, his triumphant return after disappearance in the last half of the previous movie.

O: And now for the moment you- we-

S: [sighs]

O: We've all been waiting for!

S: Ugh… [unintelligable]

O: Do you want me to do it?

S: Yes, please.

O: Simmons says, “I'm directly below the enemy scrotum.”  Why would you say that?  Why would you say it like this?  Why wouldn't you just say, “I am directly below the enemy”!?  Why did you feel the need to add the word ‘scrotum’ to that sentence!?! [laughs]

S: The enemy's anatomy should not be that important, but I guess Bay thinks balls are important- er, hilarious.

O: Important and hilarious.

S: God.

[I am furious that we didn’t know about this clip until AFTER we did this episode, but yeah, this exists.  Bay was SO proud of this joke. ~O]

O: Uh, Devastator comes to pieces after being hit by an experimental Navy railgun from the ship that Simmons has been contacting.

S: Yeah, back with Lennox and company, Epps proves yet again to have one of the best lines in the entire movie.

O: They throw some smoke grenades to provide a target for the Air Force.

S: Unfortunately, this smoke's just a teensy bit too close to the party.

O: Epps responds with, “It wasn't my best toss, okay!?”

S: [sighs] In the ensuing chaos of the airstrike, Sam runs ahead to try and get to Optimus and Megatron appears out of the smoke to shoot him.  Or to dramatically close in on him, I guess.

O: Megatron gets pushed back by some of the N.E.S.T. covering fire and nyrooms away very awkwardly.

S: Except, what's this!?  Sam's dead.

O: [loudly] WOOOOOOOOOOO!

S: Mikaela's not so happy about this though.

O: Uh, sad music plays.  Dialogue can be heard faintly as Lennox and the N.E.S.T. crew begins CPR.  His parents show back up... again.  For what purpose exactly?  I think this would have read just fine with Mikaela just being the only one sad about Sam.

S: I don't know.  If this is their attempt at pathos, but it kind of sucks.  I mean, I know that the audience is supposed to feel bad that this guy's dead but-

O: I don't! [laughs]

S: They did a terrible job of making me care, but now is the moment where Mikaela tells Sam that she loves him.

O: They had a whole thing about this earlier in the movie we really didn't go over but they were having kind of an argument on who should say, “I love you,” first.  Blah- blah- blah- blah-

S: Ah.

O: But now, a window into Sam's psyche.

S: What, you mean it's not just going to be boobs, boobs, and more boobs?

O: No- no the seven Primes appear in a vision to Sam.

S: Oh god, does this make Sam a Prime?  I really hope not…

O: Oh my god!  One of the Primes is voiced by Bulkhead!  And by Bulkhead, I of course mean his voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson.  A man with a huge filmography that I guarantee you've heard at least a dozen or so things that he has done, if not more!

S: The Primes tell Sam that he is worthy of being a Prime.

O: Bulk, why do you have to hurt me in this way, and by extension, EVERYONE?

S: The magical sweaty sock dust reconstitutes into the Matrix of Leadership.  And, I mean, I'm kind of concerned that some of the remaining sweaty sock dust is now blowing away, or maybe this sock will be some sort of horrifying museum relic.

O: Considering what he did with his shirt, I wouldn't be surprised.  Um, but I don't really care, because this just means the movie is getting closer to its inevitable conclusion.

S: Fair.  Sam then takes the Matrix and stabs it into Optimus chest.

O: Stabby stab?  We bring him to life by giving him another stab wound?  Magical stabby stab?

S: I think this is how you get robot zombies.

O: Good thing nobody had any Dark Energon on hand.

S: Or the Hate Plague.  Of course, the Matrix is immediately snatched up by the Fallen.

O: Because we want to have our cake and eat it too.  We need to bring Optimus back to life and also to get the giant sun stun gun going too.

S: So, the Fallen activates the Star Harvester.

O: High levels of shut up and die reached as the Fallen finally reveals some amount of fighting prowess with a bitchin’ anti-gravity staff.

S: Yep.  Jetfire, who has been sort of hanging out this entire time having a giant hole in his chest, sacrifices himself to upgrade Optimus so that he can go fight the Fallen.

O: Jetfire, buddy, sir, you deserved better.

S: He did.

O: Here's one of the few scenes where Jolt is visible as he helps Ratchet get Optimus battle worthy.

S: Yeah, um, the electric whips were somehow needed for this for some reason, somehow.

O: Optimus, having gained the power of flight, begins to fight Megatron and the Fallen.

S: But not before destroying the Sun Harvester.

O: Megatron's face is badly damaged as Optimus moves on to the Fallen and rips off the Fallen's face saying, and I quote, “Give me your face!”

S: Then Optimus rams his hand through the Fallen's chest and uh, rips out and crushes the Fallen’s spark.

O: Starscream, being the sane one here, suggests that he and Megatron flee.

S: Megatron, considering that he is dealing with both a head injury and a missing arm from the elbow down, takes Starscream up on his offer.  The Fallen having been defeated, Optimus returns to the ground and shrugs off all of Jetfire's parts

O: [You] couldn't have kept anything?  The gun?  No, nothing.  Was it a frame thing- did you miss the slimmer frame, Optimus?  Just be honest here, you know.

S: I mean, maybe he considered it kind of morbid having like, corpse parts on him?  I mean that would be-

O: Fuck if I know.

S: That would be kind of morbid, but yeah... it feels like it's just showing disrespect to Jetfire's sacrifice. [sighs] Then we move back to Sam and Mikaela, interspersed with shots of N.E.S.T., the Navy, Simmons, etc.

O: Ah, yes, soldiers, brothers in arms, kissing!  Soldiers, brothers in arms, KISSING!

S: [laughs] Sorry, sorry I was just- like, my brain put those together at first and not what it actually was.

O: [laughs] I mean, to be fair, that would probably be a more interesting movie!

S: Yes.  Optimus thanks Sam for saving his life.  And I have many questions Optimus.  Did you have- what did you see Optimus?  What did you see?  And we end with an Optimus monologue about the two races working together in the future.

O: Ohh, Optimus, you’re- you're just going to be discarded in two movies, sweetie.  Um, don't trust the US Military, we do not have a good track record.

S: Yup.  Linkin Park, much like the first film what plays us out as the credits roll.

O: And thus, we are divided from the rest of the movie.  A New Divide if you will.

 S: Oh, is that a name drop?

O: It's the name of the song. [laughs]

S: Or title drop, yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Alright, so what's your take?

O: Wow, I really don't like that movie.  The last 30 minutes- hour- whatever, felt like an eternity where the only thing happening was explosions, and robots maybe punching each other and I just didn't care about anything that was happening?  The early part wasn't really much better, but at least the characters, you know, were talking to each other.

Um, the writing overall isn't good for like, dialogue and again, some of the events just kind of feel like why did this even need to happen?  And I do think it's worth mentioning that this was filmed during the 2007 writers’ strike.

Additionally, regardless of how bad I personally find the dialogue, I still have to give props to Peter Cullen's performance of Optimus.  Even the first time I saw this movie, I was sad that Optimus died.  And keep in mind at the time I didn't know anything about Transformers, aside from seeing the first movie.  I feel like Cullen puts a lot of heart to his performance of Optimus, and I really can't think of a time where it's felt like he's phoned it in and I really do appreciate that.  Even here, even with the, “Give me your face,” line.

What did you think, Specs?

S: Well, I don't have nearly as much to say as you did.

O: [laughs]

S: Um, I liked Jetfire.  The SR-71 Blackbird is a very neat plane, and I mean, I liked it before this movie came out.  So, I liked him for more than one reason.  But he was cranky, and delightful, and a jet, and the best part of the movie.  Everything else was just kind of painful.  Yeah.

O: Yeah, I think that's fair.

S: Yeah.  I mean, I liked Mikaela too, but...

O: Yeah, she- say goodbye to her because she's not gonna be in the next movie.  This is the last one with Mikaela in it.

S: I think she got the better part of the deal.

O: [laughs] Pity we can't make as graceful as an exit.

S: Yep.

O: But that's it for us now.  Uh, we will be posting another episode.  Uh, where we go into more detail on what we personally would have wanted to see in this movie.  But we know this is running along as it is, and I think based on our estimates this should be around the same length as last year's episode so we're gonna split it.  We are also aware that you personally may not care about us trying to you know basically fanfic- fix this so…

S: Mm-hm.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word).  And various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few.  And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3.

O: As always, thank you so much for listening.  Happy (probably belated by the time this is posted) holidays to everyone.  2020 has been a hell of a rough year, so please stay safe and we will be back with more normal episodes soon.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

S: Sam grabs out a knife and begins carving the Cybertronian siblings into the ground um, I mean, where did you get the knife?

O: You mean symbols?  You said siblings.

S: [laughs] God- oh god, I can’t talk!

[eloarei]

1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 13, 17, 23 (some of these are random and some aren't)

Thanks for the many questions, Socks! Sorry I didn’t answer them earlier; I decided answering asks on mobile sucks.  ALSO, this is going to be super long haha sorry.  1.  Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?       Well, my most current project is one I just started brainstorming. It’s (hopefully gonna be) a Fallout 3 series, with my latest fic being the starting point. LW/Fawkes is a ship I liked immediately when I played the series some years ago, but I never got around to writing for it, probably in part because there’s already a super good longfic about them, and I just didn’t think there was much else I could say. But my LW is different from Choco’s LW, and lately I wanted to start something self-indulgent. Although I have enough ideas for this to maybe be a single 30k fic, I’m choosing to do a series of shortfics instead, so that I’m not burdening myself with another long project. Fic series are great in that way, because it’s basically complete with every new fic.       On top of that, I have... probably 3 other things I want to make significant progress on this year. First is another Fallout fic: Same Heart. I’ve posted 8 chapters already and have almost 2 more done, but due to the slow-build nature of it (and my tagging) I don’t expect to have almost any readers until at least chapter 10 (when the ship characters finally meet). I’d like to at least get that far this year.       A project I’d love to finish by fall is the unreleased “The Wilderness”, a Venom zombie AU that I started for NaNoWriMo 2 years ago. It’s about 55% written, and my goal is to have as much of it done as possible before the sequel movie comes out. If it’s not done by then, I still plan to post whatever I have.       And lastly-ish, my novel... thing. Rogue. I’m in the process of editing it, although I’ve taken kind of a break lately. And as soon as I’m done with the edits and can get a couple of people to read it (just so they can tell me if certain parts are stupid and need changed) I plan to start the next book in the series... which will probably end up being book #1, actually, if I do them modern-era chronologically. It’s... gonna be a process. ^^;  2.  Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project.       In my upcoming FO3 fic series, I’m honestly just kind of weirdly looking forward to... how do I put this? Exploring my own vaguely-traumatic experiences through fic. I’ll always do a happy ending, if possible, but before we get there I really want to run these two through the ringer of... being given something they were led to believe was impossible, being judged for it, having it taken away, and then being told “well maybe it’s for the best”.       When it comes to future projects, I guess I’m really excited about writing the new Rogue book. “Reaper”, I guess, is its unimaginative working title. I’m anxious about it, because I thought Rogue had some really deeply emotional scenes, and I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to accomplish that as well with this new one, simply because the characters don’t have the same level of desperation about each other. I need to figure out what’s unique about their dynamic and push that. I guess I’m looking forward to the challenge.  3.  What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)       Hmm gosh. Technically there’s a scene in the later chapters of Mobius that I already wrote, but it wouldn’t take place until probably chapter 3 or later, and I just lost all steam on that fic, sadly. But every time I poke through my notes I make myself cry reading it. It’s a scene where one character knows it’s going to be the last time he sees the person he loves most, and he can’t explain his pain to anyone. I really just want to get there so I can see if it makes other people cry like babies haha.       But on a completely unrelated note, there’s also this ZADR fic I started writing in like 2009, and I absolutely didn’t want to do the work to get to the fun middle scenes, but basically it was an AU where young adult Dib went to live/work in the thriving multi-species space community, where he’s... I dunno, studying alien biology I think?, and he ends up with Zim as a roommate. The scenes I really wanted to write were about the two of them getting into like a bar fight with some tough types, and Zim gets his pak ripped off/damaged in the process, and Dib has to sort of take care of him through a horrible fever. But then it turns out that the pak was not a life-support system like they thought, but actually a growth inhibitor so they (the people in charge of the Irkens) could choose who became the Tallest (the leaders). (And also it hindered reproduction, etc.) So basically the two of them accidentally start to unravel a galactic conspiracy which also involves corruption in the Earth government, etc, and Zim gets taller but spoiler alert, he still doesn’t get tall enough to challenge the Tallest lol. Sadly, I doubt I’ll ever actually write that fic. Sounds like too much effort lol.  7.  What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?       That’s such a hard question. Ummm. How do I put any of that into words? ...I think one of the things about my writing is that a lot of the time nothing really happens in a scene, and the story mostly focuses on a character thinking. Like, enough happens so there’s something for them to think about, but I think I tend to put a lot of emphasis on POV character’s thoughts, to the point of sometimes seeming stream-of-consciousness. I’ve been told that this makes my stories feel alive though? So I think it appeals to some people, though I’m sure others would find such stories boring.       Oh also, somewhat along these lines, I like to add commentary that is only somewhat relevant, usually in parenthesis at the end of a sentence or paragraph. (Honestly, it’s not unusual to see one in every paragraph if I’m writing something slightly humorous.)  9.  Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?      I would LOVE to write primarily longfics! However, I just don’t have the time or energy for it, and I don’t write fast enough. So I end up with a lot of oneshots under 10k. I had to challenge myself to learn to write short things though, and then it’s really about writing something short, not about writing a specific story.       Generally, I’m both pantster and plotter. I tend to write the first chapter/few scenes/maybe as much as 10k, just by the seat of my pants. After that, I look at what I’ve got and write out a plot to continue from there. Plotting everything out before I start just doesn’t work for me, but if I try “pantsing” anything longer than 15k I know I’m gonna have an absolute torturous hell of a time.  13.  Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?      Lol I think anyone who’s reading this knows I share my stuff online. Primarily on my AO3, though there’s some other stuff floating around here on tumblr too.  Most of the time if I keep something to myself it’s only because it’s not finish enough to share. So, sure, there’s plenty of that, but the goal is always to share it eventually. If I ever get around to finishing a novel, those will probably be the only things I don’t just post online. (Though I do post most of my OC stuff currently.)  17.  Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?       I think that inevitably my readers will always perceive me and my writing a bit differently than I do. That’s just... interacting with people. Nobody knows you entirely. However, I am as open and honest in my writing as possible, and I actually think that reading my fic is the best way to get to know me. I like to hope that I am an open book to anyone who has read many of my words. =] While you may not know the details of my life, I think you would have a good insight into my personality.    23.  What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?       Like... my oldest fic/story that I’ve never written or posted? Not counting stuff I’ve consciously abandoned (things from middle school, mostly), my original fic series, “Damsel and Company in Distress” aka DamselCo. is definitely my oldest story. I think I started fiddling with it in 2006-- which makes it pretty disappointing that it’s gotten next to nowhere. XD; But the story is my baby, and it’s been my baby for so long that anyone who’s followed me ever is probably at least vaguely familiar with a few of the characters.  Now maybe one day I’ll actually give it the attention it deserves, though I’m sure it’ll need significant revamping. After all, a lot has changed in 14+ years. Ideas that were new and subversive then are probably already stale. 

[monicawoe]

Fic Writer Tag Game

Tagged by the lovely @denugis and @ameliacareful Thanks!

AO3 Name: monicawoe 

Fandoms: My top 3 fandoms are Supernatural, MCU, and Venom, others include various Marvel comics and TV shows, Alien Covenant, Forever Knight, Good Omens, Hannibal, Legion (tv), Lucifer (comics), Preacher (tv), and The Mandalorian

Fic you spent the most time on: In terms of longest time spent writing? Probably Burdens Doublefold, co-written with @quickreaver just because it was such a beast of a fic: still my longest at ~67k words, and still one of my all-time faves.

The longest one from conception to actually completing the fic though was On His Head a Crown which I started thinking of while season 5 aired (back in 2009!) and then didn't write because canon went in such a different and also fascinating direction that I ended up writing more canon-adjacent fics at the time. This one veers off wildly from 5x03 with Sam as the Horseman Conquest, and was finally written last year as part of the Sam Winchester Big Bang featuring glorious art by @slytherkins. That means it actually took me a full ten years to get around to writing it. Glad I did though ; )

Fic you spent the least amount of time on:  A tie between Letters of Resignation, a cracky collection of letters written from the POV of the demons killed by Sam during My Bloody Valentine and Hunt, the first Sharp Teeth fill I ever did for the prompt Wile E. Coyote finally catches the Roadrunner.

Longest fic: Burdens Doublefold, as noted above, a 67k retelling of seasons 1 & 2 co-written with @quickreaver, aka the fic where I wrote myself into shipping Sam/Brady forever.

Shortest fic: a 100 word BuckyNat poem Mirror

Most hits: How They Make You a Weapon at 18,619 , Winter Soldier POV beginning with Bucky being captured by Hydra through and beyond the end of CA:TWS) This is the only fic I've ever written in second person but I found it worked rather well for the Winter Soldier's POV accentuating his missing sense of self.

Most kudos: Ink at 2165, Venom (movie), Venom admires Eddie's tattoos.

Most comment threads: Also How They Make You a Weapon at 133, likely largely due to the fact that this was posted as a WIP, which I don't normally do, but at the time I felt a burning need to immediately share all of my Winter Soldier Bucky thoughts!

Fave fic you wrote: Wow that's a tough one. I love so many of them for so many different reasons. If I had to pick one favorite from my top three fandoms it would be:

MCU: Bad Becomes Worse. I suspect it might be one of the best (albeit angstiest) fics I've ever written, you tell me.

Supernatural: Counteroffer and its sequel The King's Guard - I still really love the unreliable narrator POV in the first one and the unsettling tone I think I achieved there, and as for the sequel, writing Sam as physically containing all of Hell was just so damn fun.

Venom: Wedding Party (because this one was just SO MUCH FUN to write!)

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: So many. Early on in my spn fic-writing days I ended on cliffhangers a lot because that's what the show liked to do, and I myself enjoy the open-ended nature of them, but some of them really are begging for a sequel. If there's any particular one you'd like to see a time-stamp to let me know and I’ll likely add it to the list.  

I am currently working on a sequel to my most recent Venom fic Many Thousand Feet Beneath because I'm told I can't just leave those biotech millipedes under San Francisco! (and you're right readers, you're right!) It will take me a bit longer because ::gestures at everything this year:: but I promise I'm on it!

Share a bit of your WIP or share a story idea that you’re planning: (see longish excerpt of my WIP of Kale!Sam / King of Hell Sam under the read more tag below)

Tagging : @wetsammywinchester , @slytherkins, @brendaonao3, @rokhal, @tigerlilynoh, @hafital​

a WIP fill of a prompt for the 2020 round of Antichristmas: Sam Winchester's Birthday Prompt-fic extravaganza (still accepting prompts if you want to join the fun! fics due in May, for Sam’s birthday)

Sam stood in front of his new Mirror™ and smoothed down the front of his moisture-wicking tank top.  He could feel the increased definition in his abs, but it wasn't quite where he wanted it to be. Not yet. He was, as ever, determined to be his best self. That's what he'd built his whole career on, and he had to embody it wholly.

"Alexa, start Mirror, play Morning Pilates," Sam said, getting into starting position on his PVC-free yoga mat.

He moved through the first three exercises with ease, looking forward to the upcoming side plank with grim eagerness. He'd been getting better at the advanced version and was confident he could hold the position perfectly. When the time came he held the form without any quivering in his arm or leg, so focused on using his core to hold himself still that it took him a few seconds to realize the mirror was glitching. Sam's reflection wasn't doing a pristine side-plank at all it was just standing there. And it was wearing a suit.

A suit he was pretty sure he didn't even own.

"Alexa, restart mirror," he snapped, annoyed at this interrupt. He could hold side-plank a long time, but likely not all the way through the restart and plus he wanted to make sure his other side got an equal amount of attention, and— The mirror hadn't turned off. A bright red line was flickering down the middle. And his reflection—still wearing a black suit with a dark maroon silk shirt—was looking right at him, a crooked smile creeping across its lips. 

Unsettled, Sam pushed himself to his feet and moved to turn the damn thing off manually. He pressed himself up against the glass, reaching around the back with his left hand to find the reset button, and then the glass wriggled under him, and a hand grabbed him by the throat.

Sam choked as he was lifted two inches clear off the ground by himself. Or somebody who looked exactly like him. Except for the suit and his eyes which flashed golden-yellow just before he tossed Sam unceremoniously to the floor.

[chrisemrysfics]

That moment I can’t recall for sure when I first touched fanfics. And then you get this long post because I rambled about trying to recall and finding the clues.

Read more, but yeah if you’re curious, it’s pretty much my history with reading then writing fics, the fandoms and years, with one two little notes on what I was doing original writing wise.

Long story short: I first started reading fics in (most likely second half of) 2008 and first started writing by the end of 2009, 2009-2011 was a very productive time and it was in YGO GX fandom, then I had a burn out for multiple reason, and it’s by first half of 2013 that I finally had another good productive time with BBC Merlin (while I had mostly left YGO GX, with one fic I still open to finish in some ways), end of 2013 I started writing for Pokemon, and then for a few years I’ve picked up fandoms but never really went far, like I had short term burst of inspiration energy, and long term was just very slow updating because I didn’t wish to quit any of my fics, and then in 2017 I discovered DGM and by July 2017 I was writing for it and have been quite productive since then, especially the first year or so, a big part because it was like, the first big love I have had since BBC Merlin, and it grew as my all time favorite.

A big part of Assassin’s Light being easy to write for a period of time is because it’s half DGM, of course as you noticed things did need to slow down for me, but my love and inspiration for DGM has not lessened. MDZS did come and quickly made me fall so very deeply in love with it, I don’t hide that I love it a little bit more than DGM, but at present time, both DGM and MDZS are my focus, with a slightly easier time writing for MDZS.

(Everything else is still on-going, but very, very, very slow).

The problem is, my files for my fics, I moved them at some point, or copy paste, the oldest dates from 2014 which is two years after I stopped college, which is likely also due to how I changed laptop and such along the years. And the other problem is, I once left ffnet then came back, so I can’t see anymore the actual, initial publish dates.

The best I can use is the date of when I joined ffnet, which is in 2009, but this also places me at 17. I could have been writing my first fic before that, but I wouldn’t have been able to post it until then, and I don’t feel like I had multiple chapters to post, so it is likely that I started writing fics at 16/17. It was my second (of three) years of high school at that age range.

As I feel like I can recall I was reading fics in middle school, the best I can guess is that I started reading fics in my last year of middle school (14 to 15), probably toward the end of it, which kind of feels about right? But that means I spend around a year just reading, like if it’s at the end of middle school, it’s close to when I got to 15, so 2007 (as I would have had my 15th birthday in 2007).

Which sounds about right, I do feel “2007″ is the year I remember. In 2008 I would have had my 16th birthday, and it would have been a year or so since I’ve started reading fics, but the ffnet profile says I joined 11 December 2009, so that’s past my 17th birthday, and makes it easily two years since I started reading fics.

Which blows my mind a bit because I was convinced I started writing not long after, but apparently, not? Like I don’t recall having posted elsewhere before ffnet, so in all logic, it is in December 2009 that I made my account, and likely posted my first fic not long after. So however long I was reading, I was already 17 when I first wrote fics (or late 16 if I started writing a bit but didn’t post).

It is possible I have been mixing up my fic dates with original write, as in that case, I am certain I started writing my first novel in the end of middle school, so the “2007″ in my brain is quite likely when I started writing my first novel (it was end of middle school, so the last few months of being 14 and around being 15, which does all place the year as 2007). Which does make more sense, now that I’m trying to remember, I think I didn’t know yet fanfics when I started writing my original novel?

In short: 2007 aka 14-15, I was writing the start of my original novel (I didn’t finish back then), and somewhere 15-16 so in 2008 I started reading fics (and it was my first year of high school, which, actually does fit better the settings of the school library I vaguely recall). And roughly one year after, in 2009 when I was 17, I made my ffnet account and posted my first fic (which was written either on the spot, or started a few weeks before I made my account, but in any case I was 17 when I wrote my first fic).

For the record: that first fic was Angel and Sephirot in YGO GX, although Eventful Journey followed soon after, so both were completed somewhere in 2010 as I remember I was writing quickly back then, like it was already December 2009 so early 2010 I was very, very likely writing and posting for both fics, and by the end of 2010 I had completed Angel and Sephirot. I know my next multi chap was Hellish Chronicles, and I can find review reply from 2011 in my ffnet inbox. I do think I had some time between Angel and Sephirot and Hellish Chronicle, so that’s why I do feel I finished that first fic at most mid 2010 (and continued more slowly working on Eventful Journey).

I was writing other fics that I had adopted during/after my writing on Hellish Chronicle (which I haven’t put back as I lost contact with the original author, so out of respect I haven’t put them back up), and by September 2011 I can find messages where I mention I was working hard for the start of the second year of college, which does fit since I dropped college after I finished my second year in June 2012, and this also really slowed me down when it came to fics.

In December 2013, I can see the “oldest” fic is Always by your side in BBC Merlin, which is the first I had reposted, and my AO3 was made on February 2013, and I recall that I removed my fic from ffnet when there was some crackdown on fics, but only because I could post them on AO3, so this means I removed my fics from ffnet somewhere between february and december of 2013 (at most, from february to december, less if I didn’t remove them right away). And I started writing for BBC Merlin in 2013 (which seem to be end of 2013), which was after maybe one year or one and a half since I properly wrote anything multi chaptered (while some of the last YGO GX writing I did, one shots, were dated October 2013 so there were still months).

2007 (14-15) is first dabble in original novel, 2008 (15-16) is when I first started reading fics (and never stopped since then!), December 2009 (17) is when I created my ffnet account and so could post fics, first half of 2010 (still 17) is when I likely wrote and finished Angel and Sephirot, 2010-2011 (17-18) is when I was writing for YGO GX, end of 2001-first half of 2012 is when I had too much going on to write as much and so spent months either not writing, or like, writing one chapter every few weeks/months, but also it’s second half of 2012 that I started working again on my first novel, February 2013 I made my AO3 account, in July 2013 I first started writing for BBC Merlin, October 2013 I had written some one shots for YGO GX, but was mostly writing for BBC Merlin.

Let’s see for when I started dabbling in other fandoms. Pokemon is December 2013, December 2014 and early 2015 is when I touched KKM (didn’t go far back then in the fics though), end of 2015 is when I wrote a bit for FNAF (same, didn’t go far), March 2016 is when I started on White Collar fic (once more, didn’t go far), (and March 2016 was also when I first posted my first novel), August 2016 is when I started on Natsume Yuujinchou fic (went a few chapters with not too much time between updates), May 2017 is when I started working on Outlast fic (didn’t go far), and it’s in July of 2017 that I finally touched DGM, which soon became my focus.

Assassin’s Light was started in January 2019, or well, was posted then, I had started writing for it before, through end of 2018, but yeah early 2019 was Assassin’s Light, and in general since 2017 I have been mostly focused on DGM. And then October 2019 I posted Shadows Symphonie, and since then I mostly focused on MDZS while also working on my DGM fics when I can; and leaving everything else to work on whenever I have a higher dose of inspiration-energy. Which is rarer, but I haven’t quitted my other fics.

All in all, I was relatively able to be quick from 2009 to 2011, but college and personal stuff really burned me out, I lost interest in YGO GX especially as it felt different to how I came to write by 2013 (which is why my first two fics are the only one that I might rewrite one day), BBC Merlin stole my heart and brought me back to writing fics properly, I wrote more for it compared to all other fandoms that followed until DGM. All those other fandoms, I had a burst of inspiration, but the actual drive didn’t last, which I also suspect is because it did take me years to feel more, recovered. That and I was working on my original writing too, so. And then when I came into DGM, it brought me a large dose of inspiration, and I’ve wriiten more for it than any other fandom.

When you look at it, I have indeed the most fics in DGM (especially as I did events), then it’s BBC Merlin (which is still one of my all time favorite, alongside DGM and MDZS), and then it’s YGO GX (which is due to how I was more active very early on then the burn out hit me).

And while in number I don’t have as many MDZS fics, in spirit I certainly place it as same level as DGM.

[blue-bismuth]

Case #0161210

i have been egged on to post this so! here’s what i consider my tma oc’s first real involvement with everything going on. it’s formatted like a statement but pretty much everything else i post here about them will be in my more traditional writing style

tws: mentions of trans/nbphobia, people acting uncanny, animal harm/death (no pets), kidnapping, cannibalism

EDIT: here’s the ao3 link if you wanna read it there!

-- -- --

Avery

You’re sure this isn’t too much of an inconvenience? I-I don’t have to talk about it. You probably still have more statements to get through.

Archivist

If you ask me that one more time, I won’t take statements from you ever again.

Avery

Christ, alright, I’ll stop. At least I won’t get in trouble, ‘cause I got everything assigned to me done already…

Archivist

Aren’t you fast.

Avery

It’s a blessing and a curse. Curse in that I get chewed out if I’m caught fucking around on the office computer.

Sorry, sorry, getting off topic. I’ll make the statement now.

Archivist

Statement of Avery Linwood, a finance worker in the Magnus Institute, regarding their time living in the rural town of Crestfallen, between the spring of 2014 and the summer of 2016. Statement taken direct from subject, December 10th, 2016. Statement begins.

Avery

Man, okay. So, as you can probably tell, I’m not from England. I was born and raised in America, Wisconsin to be specific. I graduated college in 2009 because I had to get 150 credits to qualify for CPA exams--although I guess in the end it did jack shit, ‘cause I only ended up staying in the U.S. for five years. 

Archivist

Sorry, could you clarify what a CPA is?

Avery

Oh! I-it stands for Certified Public Accountant. It basically means that I can provide accounting services to the public alongside working for companies. And since I’m here now instead of my home state, I have to do continuing education if I wanna keep that license active. I guess it makes sense, but it’s still extra work, y’know?

Sorry, getting off topic again. I feel like that’s gonna be a theme for this statement.

Archivist

I’ve had my fair share of ramblers. I’m guilty of it too.

Avery

I mean, still. Anyway, that shit kinda drove me into the ground. I never managed to get enough money to rent a decent office space so I could be independent, and the closest I ever got to that was working in assurance services. I would’ve stayed in forensic accounting, but every office I was in had a terrible culture. One of my ex-bosses told me that I, quote unquote, “had too big of a rack” to be anything but a girl. So...yeah.

Archivist

And I assume this is why you left?

Avery

Pretty much. I wasn’t too keen on moving anywhere inside the U.S., everywhere was either too bigoted or too expensive or too crowded...you get the picture. I guess I just wanted something different, something where I didn’t need to sit in an office all day and handle people’s taxes or whatever. I’ve always loved those kinda video games where you move to some old farmhouse and clean it up, start taking care of crops and livestock, making friends with the townspeople...it was a form of escapism I could never really afford--honestly, unless you’re a big dairy farmer, you’re not gonna get anywhere stable in Wisconsin. 

I don’t know how I found my way to Crestfallen. I think I saw a post on Tumblr about how, if you promise to restore an ancient castle--the ones that’re all over Europe--you can live in it for free, and there was a link to some website where you could register to do that. I guess it held more than castles, though, ‘cause I saw a section for old farmhouses. The one in Crestfallen was the cheapest, and apparently I would even get a financial reward from the mayor if I helped out enough. It was a moment of weakness, I guess.

I don’t tell my parents a whole lot of stuff anymore unless they ask, but I felt the need to tell them I was moving to a different country. They must’ve seen it as odd, but they knew I wasn’t doing too well in my...current line of work. They gave me their well wishes and I left for England.

I guess the first thing that tipped me off was getting there. I didn’t think anything of it, but when I told the bus driver--coach driver for you guys--where I was going, he seemed...surprised. He didn’t know the place at first, that it wasn’t even on his map. I pointed it out on my phone, and he said that the nearest stop was Billingham in County Durham. I said that was fine, that I could probably catch a taxi the rest of the way. I don’t know if he believed me, but either way, he accepted my ticket and I boarded. There wasn’t anything unusual about the ride up, and at the time, I just guessed he didn’t know because the town was so small.

When I finally arrived in Billingham, I managed to flag a taxi down and asked the driver to go to Crestfallen. He also seemed surprised, but it must’ve been for completely different reasons. Whatever they were, he shoved it down and told me it was going to be a fairly expensive taxi ride. That was fine by me, I had already converted all of my money to pounds anyway. So I loaded my luggage and got in the back.

Thankfully, he kept silent most of the way through. He told me when we were about five minutes away from the stop, and followed it up by telling me that if I wanted to turn back now, he wouldn’t charge me anything. 

I realized what he meant: I had been paying attention to my book and not to the town itself, which was covered in a heavy fog. I hadn’t noticed any fog when I got to Billingham; the skies were clear all day. Maybe it was just foggy west of the bus route and Billingham--I wanted to get away from my old life so desperately that I was denying any possibility that my new life would be worse.

I shook my head and said that I was staying. The taxi driver laughed, a short, almost bitter laugh. Told me that I was gonna die in Crestfallen one way or another before he dropped me off. I paid him and took my luggage, still questioning what exactly he meant.

The odd thing was that, after I stepped off, the fog had lifted. I mean, the sky was still overcast, but I could see clearly. I was in this...little clearing, with a path that presumably led to the town, and another one apparently leading to the farm. A man was waiting in the clearing, and he approached me. Said he was the mayor, and that he wanted to show me to the farm. 

I had already expected the farm to be a mess, honestly. I saw the pictures. There were scattered branches and stones throughout the farmland, wild grass growing everywhere...if there was even a previous owner, they must’ve left a long time ago. I wanted to ask the mayor, but he just ignored me. At the time, I thought he was just busy and that he had better things to do. He gave me a random bag of seeds and told me my tools were in the farmhouse. And then he just left.

I wish I could tell you more, but I just can’t remember a good chunk of my time there. My therapist is pretty sure it’s a symptom of my PTSD, which...if there’s even more traumatic memories my brain has blocked out, that’s scarier than anything I can remember.

Everything was just so uncanny. Most of the people always moved around like robots, their eyes glazed over, until I talked to them. And then they were all too perky. Even the people I were told were grumps acted like it. There were things that were superficially different about them, but they all acted so similarly, it felt like some sort of hive mind. I don’t know if that’s what was going on, and honestly, I don’t want to find out.

I say most of the people, because there were two I felt like I could trust. There was a huge lake on the outskirts of the town, and these two people lived on the beach. One of them lived in a small cabin, her name’s Odelia Stevens. She’s a writer, and she had gotten herself in the unfortunate situation where she couldn’t afford to move out, once she realized what was going on with the town. The second was an old fisherman living by the docks, his name was Langdon Averill. I’ll...get to why I say “is” for Odelia and “was” for Langdon later.

I think meeting them was the thing that kept me from falling into the town’s clutches. They were considered outcasts, and the town seemed to pretend like they didn’t exist. I never saw any of them go to the beach, and when one of them tried to talk to me after I left, they would tell me I just appeared out of nowhere.

I didn’t end up farming much. I would buy from the general store, at first, but when I harvested the crops, they were...god, I can’t think of the words. They were mangled and sickly, even though I knew the soil at least looked good. The seeds the mayor gave me, I think they were supposed to be parsnips, but the leaves were so shriveled, and the parsnips themselves were hard and spotted, and they were so small. When the mayor came to my farm to gather the harvest, I didn’t know whether or not to give...any of what I’d grown to him. But he saw them and he was overjoyed. He took one of those parsnips and bit right into it, dirt and spots and all. And he loved it! The only things that really prospered was food that I foraged from a nearby forest, and that became pretty much my entire diet. I took a sample of the soil from the farm; I have it with me if you want to keep it for testing or something.

Odelia and Langdon told me a lot about the other townsfolk, mostly so I wouldn’t outwardly freak out. I learned that they hate that the hard way--I once saw a child, couldn’t have been more than ten years old, shove a live robin down his throat and swallow it. I screamed, and the child’s mother descended on me, scratching me with her nails. Even though they were short, they were almost deadly sharp. I still have the scars on my cheek. She was screaming at me, over and over, screaming that he was just having a snack. It must’ve drawn the attention of the other townsfolk, because I could hear more voices yelling at me, telling me that I would be cooked in “his pot,” whatever that meant. Suddenly, the clock in the center of town rang and, like a reset button, they all stopped and went back to their usual activities. Thankfully, I had already met the two at the beach, and Langdon patched me up in his house.

I learned that they ate live birds a lot. They really seemed to like raw meat, flies or rotting be damned. I liked my meat, still do, but at least I cook it first. They would eat raw chicken and vomit in the streets afterwards. I never saw anyone die, funnily enough. 

They had celebrations every so often. I hadn’t properly learned from Odelia and Langdon yet, so I went to the first one in the spring. I think it was something for Easter, but all they did was crack a bunch of eggs in this huge pot and take turns drinking spoonfuls from it. When I declined, I could feel that they wanted to attack me, but something prevented them from ending the celebration in bloodshed. 

After that first spring, I spent a lot of my time at the beach and in the forest. The forest wasn’t completely free of the townsfolk, as one of them ran a ranch near the edge of that, but I needed it for food. Eventually, Langdon taught me how to fish--I couldn’t exactly subsist on wild leeks and berries forever. It was a nice way to pass the time.

By that first winter, though, things started to change. So long as snow covered the ground, the townsfolk would come in the night and write things in it. Sometimes I wouldn’t see them if the snow covered it up, but otherwise...it was always things about how I had betrayed their father, more references to his pot, that I would melt and cook while they feasted on my bones with said father. I wish I could remember more, Jon, I’m sorry.

Archivist

Do you remember anything else?

Avery

Well...sometime around the first fall, Odelia taught me how to make seeds out of the food and flowers I foraged. That was how I knew it wasn’t the soil that made the crops suffer, the seeds that I had made turned out fine--sometimes they were even better than what I had foraged. I ended up farming more for myself over anything, even though one of the points on that ad was that I had to be generous and donate some of my crops to the townspeople. I doubted it would make them happy, though. And I don’t really like hurting or killing people unless they’re actively attacking me or other innocent people; if my crops were going to poison the town, I didn’t want to risk anything. Chances are it would’ve just made them madder.

I tried to raise some chickens, though. Despite how much I didn’t want to interact with either of these people, I asked the carpenter to make a coop, and I got some chickens from the man running the ranch. By all accounts, they acted like normal chickens, and I tried to feed them good hay by harvesting the grass, but their eggs were still terrible: gray yolks, incredibly thin whites...I love scrambled eggs, but I could never use those. I eventually sold the chickens back to the ranch and had the coop taken down after a few months in the summer. I didn’t even want to try raising cows.

I wanted to leave so badly by the time that second winter rolled around. While Odelia and Langdon would often visit me and we would spend time on my farm or in the forest, by that time there was some odd force preventing them from leaving the beach. I witnessed it myself; anytime they would approach that border of trees separating the beach from the rest of the town, it was like they got...stuck. I don’t know if you play video games, but you know when you reach the border of the game map, and you just can’t go any further despite there not being anything physical stopping you? It looked like that. I could come and go as I pleased, but it was like...like the townspeople had rejected their existence so hard they couldn’t even penetrate the town they had constructed so carefully.

I think the final straw for the townspeople was late spring, the last year I was there. They had this sort of dance deep in the thick of the forest, apparently only accessible when the dance was going on. One of the men around my age there was the town doctor--which I doubt he was actually licensed to practice medicine, since I don’t even think he was thirty at the time--and he asked me to go to the dance. I’d never been asked before, in Crestfallen or in general, but I really didn’t want to go. I had no idea what kind of fucked up shit would happen there, and I didn’t want to find out. So I said no.

That night, just before I was about to go to bed, my door was broken down. I don’t remember how many people were there, but it was definitely the doctor and at least four other people. They descended on me like vultures, only instead of eating me they were savagely beating and kicking me. I was crying, and...sorry, hold on a second.

Archivist

Take your time.

Avery

[They nod, silently wiping tears away from their face]

Sorry, I...I have a bad habit of going nonverbal when I start crying. That, and I sound incomprehensible when I try to talk, and that’s especially bad considering you’re recording this. Anyway, I think one of them brought a bat down on my head, and I was knocked unconscious. I woke up the next morning in this weird white dress and a flower crown on my head. I could feel thorns on the stems threatening to pierce my already sensitive head. As my vision came into focus, I could see that my hands and feet were bound with rope. Actually, I wasn’t wearing anything but that dress, but when I tried to ask where my clothes had gone, I...I couldn’t make words with my mouth. Just a gentle sigh. It was a moment later that I saw the doctor holding my clothes, all neatly folded, approaching a blazing bonfire. Before I could even try to yell out, he threw them into the flames and turned towards me, watching me with cold infatuation as my clothes burned away.

Soon enough, the mayor approached me and grabbed my wrists, pulling me to the center of what looked to be the actual dancing part of the area. It was from here that I could see the whole field: the bonfire in the middle, separating what looked to be a buffet from the dancing. Various townspeople were milling around the buffet or looking at the bonfire, but when the mayor whistled, everyone turned to face me instantly.

They must’ve all known what would happen, because without a word or even a gesture from the mayor, the doctor stepped forward and grabbed my hands in his own. I tried to look at the ground, but the mayor held a hand under my chin so I would look my apparent dance partner in the eyes. 

I hated every second of it. I was basically just getting tossed around, since I couldn’t move my feet. I could hear the townspeople chanting and playing instruments, but it wasn’t anything I could decipher. That or I just can’t remember, I wouldn’t be surprised at this point. Slowly, more people joined in on the dance, although from the snippets I could see, their dance was totally different than whatever the doctor was doing to me.

It felt like hours, but the sun’s position hadn’t even moved in the sky when the dance was done and I was released. I didn’t get much time to relish it, though, because I was knocked unconscious again. When I woke up, it was night, and I was lying naked on top of my bed.

I knew at that point that I had to get out of there. But I didn’t want Odelia and Langdon to be trapped either. I needed to do something. God, I can’t believe I forgot to mention this, but the entire time I was there, I could never get a signal on my phone. And it wasn’t like I had run out of data or anything, I was on a by-the-gig plan at the time. At least I wasn’t wasting my money, but it still frustrated me. Most of my days after that dance were spent walking all around the town limits, trying in vain to even get one bar. I’d downloaded one of those rideshare apps forever ago, but I never used it, and I figured now would be the best time to see if anyone could show up. I didn’t have much faith, considering my previous experiences getting to Crestfallen, but dammit, I had to try. I did not want to die in this place, and I didn’t want Odelia or Langdon to either.

I know you’re probably wondering why I didn’t just walk the road back to where I came, but to be honest, I didn’t want the townspeople following me. None of them had cars, as far as I knew, maybe a motorcycle owned by one person, but I still feared that they could track us down anyway. Plus, I didn’t want to get turned around and end back up in Crestfallen again. So, I figured calling someone over would be the best solution. I really didn’t want to rope anyone else into this mess, but it had the highest chance of succeeding in my eyes. And well, I’m here right now.

I finally got two bars on May 31st. See, part of Crestfallen is on a huge hill, and on the peak of that there’s a train that comes through--no stops, unfortunately, and I never heard or saw one go by while I was living there. Either way, it was there that I finally found a signal. So, I told my plan to Odelia and Langdon: that as soon as I found a way to get them out of the beach and onto the single road that went out of Crestfallen, we were leaving. Langdon seemed more hopeless than Odelia, but they both eventually agreed. 

As it turned out, Odelia was on her high school’s swim team, and she had kept that up. She found that, so long as she swam to where the river flowing through Crestfallen emptied into the lake and kept her body underwater the entire time, she could escape into the rest of the town. With the added bonus of this river emptying out in the forest, she and Langdon could have some secrecy coming up. Meanwhile, I could take their luggage beforehand and keep it at my house until they were ready to go.

They were ready June 7th. The three of us stood at the top of the hill, Odelia and Langdon soaked, while I got someone to pick us up. Once the ride was approved, we raced back down to my house to get our luggage and wait for our driver. Unfortunately, the rest of the town seemed to have picked up on our plan.

Five minutes before our driver got there, we could see a mob approaching us, and they had weapons. Crude ones, but I could see kitchen knives glinting in people’s hands, sharpened sticks and stones and bats. They didn’t want to just beat us up this time; they were either going to indoctrinate us or kill us.

Despite his age, Langdon was surprisingly good at defending us against the mob. While we were able to avoid things being thrown at us, and at a couple points we threw them back to keep individual members from attacking us, Langdon was actively keeping them away with his suitcase. Two minutes before our driver got here, he was able to wrestle a butcher’s knife from a woman’s hand--the same woman that clawed my face so long ago. It felt like slow motion, watching him throw the knife right in the center of the woman’s forehead.

As she collapsed into a heap, the mob paused. They looked at the dead woman, and their faces contorted into anger. One of them cried out, and the mob descended on him just as the driver pulled up. Langdon screamed at us to save ourselves, and Odelia pulled me into the car. As she told the driver to go as fast as she could, I watched helplessly as the mob tore chunks from Langdon, and he screamed in pain as they ate his flesh.

When the driver dropped us off at the bus station, I gave her a five star rating and a tip that basically doubled the cost of the ride. She didn’t sign up to see a man be cannibalized, so it was the least I could do for potentially traumatizing her.

As we waited, I asked Odelia if Langdon sacrificing himself was something he planned. She shook her head, but she did remember hearing him say that he would rather he die on this mission over either of us, his rationale being that he was just an old fisherman, that we had more potential than he did out in the rest of England. I don’t know if he was right, but I can’t exactly change the past.

When the bus drove up, we boarded. I ended up sleeping most of the way down, which gave Odelia the chance to rest her head on my shoulder. Even though it was on a bus, it was the most comfortable I slept in the longest time. She must’ve had family or something in Liverpool, since that was where she requested to be dropped off. At first, I didn’t really know where I wanted to go. I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore; all of my plans for the future had been dashed by Crestfallen. I ended up telling the bus driver to bring me to Greenwich, since it seemed far enough away from the center of London that I wouldn’t be overwhelmed. I applied for temporary housing there while I looked around for jobs to tide me over. It took about a month for me to get my own place, and as you probably know, I got a job here in August.

Archivist

That’s...certainly a lot. Do you have any way of contacting Odelia to perhaps get her perspective on Crestfallen?

Avery

I have her number, yeah. Though I’m not sure how willing she’d be to talk to you about it, considering whenever I’ve tried to bring up her time in Crestfallen, she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Archivist

Well, I suppose that’s understandable. As much as I would want to send someone up there to investigate, it would likely take a day at least, and if your claims are true, it would be very dangerous for--

Avery

What, you don’t believe me?

Archivist

You said yourself that you don’t remember a whole lot. But considering some of the...more horrific things you’ve told me about Crestfallen, I don’t want to think about what’s been blocked from your memory due to trauma. 

Avery

I...I guess. I wouldn’t want anyone going out there either. Not without a weapon, and I doubt you can have those on public transportation.

Sorry. It’s just...wanting to tell someone about this was part of the reason why I applied to work at the Institute. Not all of it, but...I was kind of worried you wouldn’t believe me if I was some stranger. Although, I guess now’s not much better.

Archivist

[Sighs] Avery, I know I might act like I do, but I don’t hate you. I’m not around you enough to hate you.

Avery

I have a feeling you will if you get to know me better. It happens a lot. [Sighs, getting up from chair] Well, if that’s all you need from me, I should go.

Archivist

For now, yes. I’ll reach out if I need additional information.

Avery

Cool. [Footsteps, door opens then closes]

[CLICK]

Archivist

[CLICK]

Despite the...awkward ending to that statement, Avery has been surprisingly cooperative in regards to follow-up questions. They asked Odelia Stevens if she could come in and give a statement, but apparently her work schedule would make that difficult. However, Avery has arranged a video call with her and myself, so maybe she’ll be able to give us some more insight.

As it turns out, Crestfallen is a registered town in County Durham, despite there being very little information about...anything involving it, really. I don’t know how I could convince anyone to go there, even if they don’t know about it. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that.

I really don’t know all that much about Avery, now that I think about it. As much as I don’t want to trust them, I’ve been trying to let my paranoia go. It’s strange, you’d think knowing them less would give me more reason to be paranoid about their intentions, but...quite the opposite, really. I don’t know what motivation they’d have for faking something on this scale, especially when their job is so removed from the more paranormal aspects of working here.

I just don’t know. And I don’t know if that’s a sign I should get to know them better, or keep them at arms’ length.

Recording ends.

[CLICK]

[maybeformepersonally]

Fic: from up here you can't beat the view (just watch me now)

Authors: kishere (@filisaceaf) & maybeformepersonally

Beta: @always-okay-katie

Artist: @kthnwss

Word Count: 22.6k

Rating: E / Explicit

Warnings: some slight internalised biphobia (it’s not a main plot point in the story) and brief mentions of Dan being bullied before the story starts. 

Summary: It's 2009 and Dan finds Phil on the internet when a well-meaning mate of his recommends him to a certain site she likes. Dan quickly becomes a fan: watching Phil's videos religiously and interacting with him on his socials. And, soon enough, Phil starts noticing him. 

A familiar enough story on the surface but here's the catch: Phil has never been involved with YouTube. Phil is a camboy.

Author Notes: We'd like to thank @phandombigbang for organizing this event and finally giving us the opportunity/excuse to write together that we had been searching for. We've been talking about this universe for a while and the Big Bang seemed like a great way to start the series with a bang so to speak. That does mean there are going to be other parts coming out in this series!

They always said it takes a village to raise a child and this is ours. I would love to thank our wonderful beta @always-okay-katie and our exceptional artist @kthnwss they dealt with our (reallyreallyreallyREALLY) erratic writing process and they are a blessing. We also have to thank the Phanfic Writing Discord (in particular @counting2fifteen and @sudden-sky) for alleviating some fears and looking over the fic along with the encouragement and support you have given.

Link to art: here!

(We don’t have enough words for how blessed we were to get these absolutely stunning art pieces to illustrate our story. The art is so ridiculously good guys, go show Kate some love and appreciation.)

[Read on ao3]

Chapter 1: sometimes you gotta try something new and that something new is a cam site

Dan could do this, he thought as he slowly hit the letters on his keyboard. 

Nicole had recommended the site when he’d been rolling on the floor of his room, going back and forth about finding men attractive. Again. He was bisexual, but he wasn’t sure just how bisexual he was. The occasional sneaked look in a locker room and some sweaty kisses at a party in the woods didn’t seem like enough to base wanting to have sex with guys on. 

“Have you ever even watched porn, Dan,” she had asked before laughing at him as he choked on the swig of Jack he had swiped from downstairs. Dad had been drinking more lately and wouldn’t notice the bottle had dipped low if he watered it down. He flipped her off and coughed a few more times to clear his throat. 

“You’re vile, Nikki,” he said, ignoring her as she gave him the finger in return. 

“Well? Have you,” she challenged, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, going from ‘funny Nikki’ to ‘serious, going-to-give-you-advice Nikki’.

“I mean... a little, but it didn’t really. You know,” Dan said, flustered as he didn’t make eye contact. “It didn’t feel… real.”

“It’s porn; there aren’t that many plumbing problems in the world. Have you tried live cams?”

“Live cams,” Dan echoed back hesitantly, feeling his nose wrinkle in confusion. He didn’t want Nikki to know he didn’t know what those were, but from the knowing looking on the girl’s face, he was failing. 

“Yeah. People like, film themselves getting off live and you can pay them for more private shit if you want,” Nicole explained. “I have a site I like sometimes. The girls on it are pretty hot.”

“Jesus Christ,” Dan muttered, glad about the shitty Skype connection between here and America. “I’m not having an issue with hot girls though.”

Nikki rolled her eyes at him and stared at him. “You… could look for guys on there… Daniel.”

“Brill idea Nicole,” Dan sassed back. “Let the underaged boy try to find… something… on the porn site.”

“Adult cam site,” Nicole corrected immediately. “And you don’t have to pay. There are plenty of people who use it just because they are exhibitionists.” 

“I… maybe. Send me a link,” Dan said after thinking it over for a minute.

So here he was, three days later in a finally blessedly empty house. He was sitting in a shirt and some boxers as he slowly typed out the link into a Firefox window. Dan could have just clicked on the link, but that felt too definite. Typing it out himself gave him some sort of… plausible deniability. ‘Haha, what a mistype,’ he joked with himself as the page loaded and wow. 

That was a lot of naked skin. 

Like a lot of skin. 

Mostly tits, but he spied a few chests that looked like they could potentially belong to dudes. He clicked on the first one he saw and made a face. It was a little too hairy for his taste. Not that he was averse to a hairy chest. Maybe. He didn’t know what he wanted, really, but he knew it wasn’t older with an extremely hairy gray chest that had the kind of moans that he thought made porn so inauthentic. 

Dan huffed in disappointment and looked in the top left corner, finding a drop down menu. He clicked on it and blinked at the… staggering amount of choices on the site. BBW, Anal, Trans, and… Gay. There it was, that stupid label, in gaudy, yellow letters, waiting for Dan to click on it as his cursor hovered over it. He clicked on it and felt his body relax as he saw so many more options available to him, and scrolled. And scrolled. Clicked on a few streams and exited out but none of them felt right until him.

xoxoAmazingPhiloxox 

First of all, he was hot. Inky black hair and insane blue eyes that Dan kept looking into when he wasn’t looking at Phil’s hand squeezing himself through (of all things) Donkey Kong boxer-briefs. Dan realized after five minutes that his eyes weren't just blue; it was a kaleidoscope of blue, green, and yellow. Second of all, the username had a little star next to the name, which Dan assumed meant they were good at what they did. Dan certainly thought Phil was good at what he was doing. Phil was talking as opposed to sitting there and just moaning, which… kind of helped actually, even if he was answering questions from another viewer about why he chose those hideous pants. He didn’t even have his dick out yet, just squeezing the outline of his dick through his boxers and Dan was hooked like the other 1500 people watching the stream.

“Well bigduck71, thank you for the tip, sometimes, I just get hard playing video games. It’s not that I’m attracted to the characters,” Phil was explaining, breaking off to moan into his elbow, “it’s just that I imagine that someday I’m going to have a boyfriend. I’m going to have a boyfriend to cuddle up next to me while playing video games and then if we want, we can. You know.”

Phil looked shy for a brief moment, but he stopped talking to pull out his dick after a very generous (at least $10 seemed generous to Dan, it was his first time after all) tip and Dan felt himself go from half-hard to fully hard. Fuck. His dick looked so good. Dan wanted to kiss it because it was pretty, the way its head was red and looked shiny, and it looked girthy from how wide Phil’s fingers were stretched around it. No guy should have that pretty of a dick and face and body all together; it was going to give the rest of mankind a complex, Dan thought as he reached down and squeezed his own erection, letting out a whimper as Phil continued to speak.  

“If we want, I could push him down and kiss him. I don’t think I would rut against him immediately; I think we could just make out, me laying on top of him, and the sounds of the Sonic title screen playing in the background,” Phil broke off here to hum the opening from Sonic Mania. “And I would kiss him until his lips were swollen. Slide my hands slowly underneath his shirt and touch how warm his stomach and sides are. Wait until he’s grinding up into me and grind back against him. I hope he grabs my ass, to pull me against him. Like it’s a decent ass, right? It deserves a little grab?”

Phil turned around and showed off his ass. He gripped it, his nails digging into the pale flesh that was dotted with the occasional mole, pulling apart a miniscule amount. Not enough to expose his hole, but enough to tease and show what he wanted his imaginary boyfriend to do to him.

Dan estimated he had bigger hands than Phil. He could probably grip his ass well, he thought as his hand sped up against his dick. Dan came embarrassingly quick when Phil turned back around and he was staring into those multicoloured eyes. He was mortified at how fast he came and no one was even in the room with him to justify him feeling this level of mortification. Reasons why Dan’s a fail, Dan thought as he felt the come cooling on his hand. Coming to an emo talking on a shady cam site and Dan hadn’t even typed anything into the chat yet to let Phil know he was watching him.

He waited until his heart rate slowed down a bit before typing in a simple ‘thank you’ with a little heart emoji attached to it before closing out of the screen to go clean off his hand.

*

“So how did it go?” Nikki asked him a few days later on Skype. Dan shrugged which made her roll her eyes. “You didn’t even do it, did you? Wimp.”

Dan sighed and looked up to meet her brown, judging, judgy little eyes and nodded. “I did do it. It was...”

Dan trailed off, unsure of how much he wanted to divulge to her. Because he did jerk off and while Nikki was pretty chill, he didn’t want to gross her out either. Did he want to say how enlightening it was to see a guy who had such beautiful eyes he wanted to go swimming in them? Did he want to talk about how he hadn’t stopped thinking about the show the past three days and was going to try and find him again because his face kept popping up in Dan’s mind all the time? Did he want to talk about how reaffirming of his sexuality it was to know how insanely attracted he was to men and that it definitely wasn’t a phase?

“It was fine,” was what Dan went with. 

“Ahhhhh,” Nikki said, her face transforming into something teasing. Apparently his poker face had been slipping since he no longer had to use it on a daily basis to survive. “Dan’s got a crush.”

“I don’t have a crush,” Dan huffed, voice going embarrassingly high for a moment. He took care to speak at a normal pitch after that. “Just… I have a mild curiosity.”

“Sure, buddy. Sure,” Nikki said, her tone drawing the words out before diving into a tangent about how insanely hard one of the missions in Black Ops was, and how it had been kicking her ass.

*

The “mild curiosity” kind of becomes a thing: Dan will get horny and instead of just using his ‘wild imagination’ (thanks every teacher he had in primary school), he’d go on the live cam site if he needed something to visualize. He didn’t always go straight to Phil’s page to see if he was online; he does try and look at other camboys, but none of them keep his attention like Phil. Dan was pretty sure it was because he treated the audience like a regular audience, but he just happened to touch himself while talking and playing music. 

Dan was a bit obsessed with Phil’s accent; it was very Northern and different than the chav accent he heard at school from the wannabe gangsters. Like today for example, Phil was just talking about something random going on in his life and Dan wasn’t even watching him to see if he was touching himself. He was working through his maths homework and had his headphones in to just listen to Phil talk as he tried to remember what his completely unintelligible maths teacher had said during class. He gave up after a while and turned his attention to Phil’s show, cushioning his head on crossed arms as he laid on his stomach. 

“So today I filmed something for my class,” Phil was explaining on the webcam. “It’s kind of different but a couple of my mates really liked it.”

Phil broke off to laugh at something in the chat.

“No, no, tiittyfucker96 nothing like this. I don’t think I could look them in the eye if I showed them a recording of me doing this,” Phil said, idly twisting a nipple and letting out a laugh that trailed into a moan as he (assumingly) pinched his nipple harder. Dan never thought someone could be so care-free during sexual situations. He was constantly worried that someone would hear that he had been with a girl and say that his bisexuality was a phase or that he was faking being straight which made him nervous to be intimate with anyone, even his ex-girlfriend. So watching the way Phil’s eyes would flutter in enjoyment as he gripped himself, watching the way Phil would give choked off laughs as he read filthy comments? It… it made Dan want to gain that kind of confidence. 

Before he had fully thought through his actions, he was typing into the chat-box, lucky that the basic, no-payment level of being a site member still allowed for chat interaction with the cam-workers. 

‘how r u able to be so confident on camera?’ 

Dan waited after hitting send and felt himself start to grow antsy after a mere second. He had sent messages before, casual things like ‘is that muse in the background’ or simple thank yous after he’d come. He didn’t think he was going to get anything out of Phil, but then he heard his now familiar laugh, and when he looked up he saw Phil’s tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, something Dan shouldn’t be fixated on but he was rapidly learning that his fascination with anything and everything Phil didn’t make any sort of rational sense and his dick simply didn’t care. 

“Well Dennis, no Danis. Danis-snot-on-fire.”

Dan wanted to die. He had been noticed and for all the wrong reasons. Why did he use the worst username known to man? Now everyone probably thought he had a snot fetish or some shit. 

“Very creative username,” Phil chuckled, looking right at the camera and giving the world’s most awkward wink Dan had been on the receiving end of. Mainly because he was trying so hard to wink, tilting his head to the side and trying but only managing to blink. Dan muffled his laughter into his elbow because if he was laughing, his mum would know he wasn’t completely focused on his homework and come in to check on him, and he really didn’t want to explain why he was doing his maths homework shirtless.

“Watch out guys, it’s about to not be a sexy time for a moment. But to answer your question, Danis,” Phil said as Dan resisted the urge to throw himself out the window every time Phil called him the wrong name, “I get my confidence from all of you guys. It’s actually part of why I first started camming in the first place. When I first started, I was pretty awkward. Like I did bad angles and there were times I got so nervous that I’d uh. You know. Go soft. But everytime someone said something encouraging, it really helped boost my confidence to what’s in front of you now. I kind of just learned that the worst thing that will happen is you’ll have to try again. So yeah!”

Phil ended the talk with jazz hands.

Dan hated how he tracked the way Phil’s hands moved, imagining how warm they would feel in person. His maths homework sat uncompleted as he had himself a wank to the freckles he wanted to bite on Phil’s shoulders.

*

It only got worse with time. This… infatuation. He’d still search the site for new camboys sometimes, but he got bored easily, grew frustrated when he didn’t find what he liked. He knew what he liked, was the thing. He knew who he wanted. The problem was: he only had access to the open camshows Phil made, at the moment. 

There was a whole library of old camshows archived on the site, but it was locked for paying clients, and paying clients needed to have a credit or debit card and to be verifiably 18 or older, which Dan wouldn’t be for another month. And even then, he’d still need to get some kind of card. Which was way too much trouble just to get more porn, right? There was plenty of free porn on the internet. He didn’t need a paid membership. He didn’t.

But he wanted one, he really, really did. There were years worth of Phil camshows in there, plus some kink-themed clips, and special features like the superchat, and Dan craved. 

He tried to hold off his burgeoning interest, but soon enough he’d fallen into a rabbit hole of online sites where Phil interacted with his subscribers and answered questions and uploaded photos with funny commentary; fallen never to be seen again. He couldn’t stop scrolling, couldn’t stop reading his twitter, his #asks tag on tumblr, his dailybooth (especially his nakedbooths, which he posted whenever he hit a milestone), his answers on formspring (almost all of them were sexual, and fuck, Phil had a way with words).

He had now reached the point where his mind drifted automatically to Phil whenever he wanked, or even when he got turned on, like the two things went together, a Pavlovian response. He’d accrued quite the collection of Phil-specific fantasies, and all his old fantasies had now cast Phil in the starring role. And he’d become addicted to checking Phil’s socials more than was maybe reasonable.

Like now.

Dan refreshed tumblr at just the right time to see that Phil had answered a few asks. 

anonymous asked: how big is ur duck

amazingphil: [picture of a rubber duck next to a 50 cm ruler]

Dan couldn’t hold back a snicker at the response. He’d discovered that Phil was hilarious very soon after discovering that he was gorgeous, and though he mourned the loss of opportunity to get a Phil dick pic, he had to hand it to him. It was funny.

Dan clicked on the ‘amazingphil’ url to check if there were any more answers yet. Phil normally did a few at a time.

And today was no exception. 

anonymous asked: is it true that you did linguistics at uni?

amazingphil: it is! I’m an english language and linguistics graduate. sounds professional, huh? i got good grades and everything. i could totally tutor you if you’re having trouble with your homework, i’ll even bring out the glasses if you’re into it… (i’m into it)

anonymous asked: whats your favorite sex toy

amazingphil: oh, this is a hard one. mmm... probably my blue vibrator? tho the purple dildo that comes inside you gets a special mention too, maybe it’s that it’s new and i’m still super excited about it lol but if you saw that one camshow where i used it you saw how much fun i had with it ;) and i’ve used it a few more times already so...

Dan had seen that camshow. That thing was huge. And Phil had taken it like it was nothing, moaning and pushing back on it like he couldn’t get enough of it. Dan had come twice during the half-hour-long liveshow. Dan refreshed the page, and a new ask appeared.

anonymous asked: hav you tried bondage? i’d luv to tie u up ;)

amazingphil: i haven’t actually! but i might be up for it with someone i trust. but i’ve thought about it! it’s a hot fantasy. i’d like my partner to tie just my wrists the first time, to ease me into it, but a second time i think it could be fun to be spread eagled, wrists and ankles, back to the bed. i’d like to be on one of those four poster beds so that you could have my legs up in the air. i think i’d like to be fingered slowly when i can’t move away, teased a little and then fucked into the mattress while spread open like that with no friction on my cock so i can’t come until you’re done with me and then you get to decide how to make me come, i bet that’d drive me wild. i can get a bit needy in that kind of situation haha but that’s half the fun of it, yeah? that’s y’know, sth i think about sometimes :)

“Ngh.” Dan was suddenly very hard, his mind having taken a wild swerve into the gutter as soon as he’d clicked on Phil’s blog if he was being honest, but that took it to a whole new level. He wasn’t sure how true these were, but the idea that these were actually Phil’s fantasies, that this was what he thought about when he got off by himself, it always made it so much hotter for Dan, so much more effective. He wasn’t sure if it was just that Phil talked about his actual fantasies differently and he was picking up on it on some wavelength, or if he just got off to the idea of knowing something so intimate about someone he was attracted to.

He wanted more, so he refreshed the page again, barely resisting the urge to touch himself as he squirmed just a little on his seat.

The page refreshed, and there was a new answer.

anonymous asked: ur so hot i love ur cock i want to sit on it and ride u until u scream

amazingphil: mm… this cock? [gif of phil’s groin from the chest to his thighs, completely naked, he’s pumping his cock slowly, once, twice, the third time, as his fingers reach the head, a few drops of precome slide down his fingers, then the gif loops] yeah that sounds nice. but i think i could make you scream first... race you? ;)

“Fuck,” Dan breathed out, his own cock twitching sympatheticaly inside his pyjama bottoms. He reached down to squeeze it and couldn’t help but buck up into it, breathing ragged and mind already lost in the fantasy. How would it feel to sit on Phil’s lap, to tease him by rubbing against him, to have Phil finger him open and then kiss him while he slid down onto that pretty cock, feel it stretch him until he bottomed out and then stay still, perfectly, maddeningly still, until Phil couldn’t take it anymore and said “please, Dan,” and then to move up, feeling that cock dragging against all those hidden places, making fireworks go off behind his eyes, until he was almost all the way out, and then-

Dan had pulled out his own rock hard dick and was pumping it furiously, basically fucking his fist by this point, imagining himself bouncing on Phil’s cock, picturing how Phil would grab his ass, how he’d grip him by the thighs as he pushed him down into his cock, how he wouldn’t be able to resist fucking up into him, hips rising without even thinking about it. 

In the stark reality of Dan’s bedroom, he brought his hand up to pinch his own nipple and moaned; in his fantasy, it was Phil’s long, elegant fingers doing it, Phil’s fist around his cock as he fucked him, Phil leaving bite marks on his collarbones, telling him how fit he was, how good he felt, how much Phil wanted him, and just like that Dan was spilling into his hand and his shirt, pressing his mouth into the fleshy inner side of his bicep to muffle the whiny, breathy moans he couldn’t quite keep in, and the pleasure came in waves down his body, had him writhing in his computer chair for several long moments that felt like a short eternity, and left him a boneless lump, breathing too hard and staring unseeingly into the computer screen.

“Huh,” he muttered to himself once he’d come down from it. That was... really good, actually. 

The gif was still playing on the screen. Dan right-clicked over it and saved it on his computer. For reasons.

*

Next came the not-so-natural progression of his little hobby into a whole new level. It began as a fantasy.

He’d been spending so much time in that damned camming website that it was hardly shocking that the thought would form in his mind. What would it feel like to be in front of the camera? What must it feel like to feel so confident about your own body and sexuality that you can put yourself on display like that with the expectation that people will come, that people will watch, that some will even pay for the privilege of telling you how good you look or to ask you to touch yourself in a specific way? How did someone like Phil feel, knowing he can turn on his webcam and have thousands of viewers’ undivided attention based purely on how hot he looks as he gets himself off, thousands of eyes following his every movement, his every word, feeling their blood rush and their flesh crave at the stroke of his fingertips? 

The first stray thought was followed by another, then another, and it all built momentum until he found himself caught up in the fantasy of having all those anonymous eyes on him, wanting him, wishing they could be touching him, thinking he was so desirable that they wanted to pay him in exchange for scraps of attention. 

So Dan laid down on his bed, over the covers, naked (so that the anonymous men from his fantasy could take him in, could watch him, all of him, on display like-like art, or a celebrity, or something worth attention. Someone deserving of this kind of attention). Instead of following all the shortcuts he knew would get him to the finish line faster, he thought about what Phil (and the few other camboys he’d tried watching) did to tease and titillate their viewers. What would they like to see, if there really were people watching him?

He ran the fingers of one hand lightly down his neck, shivering slightly at the sensation, then down his collarbones and further down his chest until they reached one nipple. His other hand was resting to his side, gripping the duvet in an attempt to anchor him and help him pace himself. He tweaked his nipple, squeezed it between two fingers, and his hips swivelled a little in place at the bolt of pleasure. Dan’s eyes never strayed from his own body, trying to see what others would see if they were looking at him right then. His cock was hard already, resting flush against his lower belly and throbbing a little. 

He trailed the fingers down, teeth catching on his pink plump lower lip as his hand reached the crease where his hip met his thigh and he bypassed the hard flesh aching for attention between his legs in favour of running his nails down his inner thighs, leaving reddish lines on the pale soft skin and moaning softly at the sensation. Would his viewers like the noise? Would they like him? Would these hypothetical men (and while he knew the people who watched the camshows weren’t all men, it was important to some recondite and unexamined corner of Dan’s mind that they would be primarily men) be intrigued enough to want to stay and continue watching him?

Dan imagined it, countless men watching him in lust, unable to resist sneaking a hand down pants that felt too tight and rubbing one out, never taking their eyes off Dan’s form as they fantasised about all the filthy things they’d like to do to him.

He dragged his fingers down to grab a handful of his own ass, squeezing one cheek and  spreading it slightly to reveal the puckered flesh between the cheeks, spurred on by the mental image of faceless men rutting into their own hands at the sight. He ran his fingers teasingly around the rim, sparks of pleasure shooting up from the place where his fingers made contact and moving all the way into his core. He tamped down on the urge to thrust his hips into the air in a natural bid to find friction.

He considered his options briefly, fingers tapping a delicious rhythm and making his legs spread a bit wider by reflex, and reached out with his other hand to fish out the lube from his drawer. He didn’t do this every time - it meant more work and cleanup - but right then he knew it was just what he needed. 

He coated three fingers as quickly as he could and returned his hand to its previous position between his legs, bending his legs and planting his feet firmly on the mattress for leverage.

He teased around his rim for a bit longer, his other hand wandering aimlessly up his body as he pretended that he was waiting for a hefty enough tip before indulging his audience. Someone would crack, he thought; someone would want it so bad that they wouldn’t even care about the money, they’d just send it over, and Dan would smile at the camera in satisfaction before dipping one of his slick fingers slowly inside.

He’d talk to them, probably, during the whole thing. He’d tell them how badly he wanted it, how hard he was, how much he needed it. It was quite unlike anything else, that particular feeling; and when he craved it, nothing else would do. He’d ask them playfully if they wanted to see how well he took his own fingers, he’d beg them so nicely to please hurry up, he needed more, one finger wasn’t enough and he was ready, he was so ready for more, but he couldn’t until he got another tip, right? So please? Pretty please?

And then another tip would come, maybe more than one, and he’d thank them, looking straight at the camera again, and he’d reward them by sliding another finger with the first, twisting them slowly (and here he’d be unable to keep his hips on the bed, he could feel himself losing that battle as they bucked up into the air by their own accord), and fuck he couldn’t keep the noise down, not when he was like this, but that was fine, wasn’t it? His viewers would like that, they’d probably compliment the whiny moans he couldn’t keep down whenever he brushed his prostate, they’d love them, if anything they’d ask him to make more noise.

Another? he’d ask, he’d request, and the tips would flood, as would the praising comments. He was close, and he hadn’t even touched his prick at all. He pulled out the two fingers he’d been using to furiously finger himself and dropped some more lube on them, before reaching back down and slowly, too slowly, sinking three fingers inside. It burned a little, but the pleasure was far more intense; it made his eyes close and his jaw slacken and he had to grip the duvet again to resist touching his throbbing cock. 

It didn’t take long before he was thrusting his fingers in and out, effectively fucking himself on them and letting out high, desperate-sounding short little whines. He imagined countless people (men) watching him, devouring the picture he made with greedy eyes and tight fists, getting off to the fantasy of him, fantisising about what it might feel like to fuck him, what he might look like with their cock up his arse rather than his own fingers, thinking probably that they could wring out even sweeter sounds out of him with a proper cock, like some of Phil’s viewers said to him all the time.

He was feverish with the thought, the sensations, he wasn’t sure he’d ever been this hard (he’d certainly never sounded this desperate, this needy before), and the stray thought of Phil’s viewers made him think of Phil and what if he was watching too? Pretty much everything Dan knew of camming he’d learnt from him. Would he think Dan was good at it? Would he be proud? 

Would he want me too?

The thought settled like an itch under his skin, setting him on fire. He unclenched the hand gripping wrinkled cloth to grip himself, felt his cock twitch as soon as it was (finally, finally) given some attention, and he tried to go slowly at first but he couldn’t, he couldn’t, the pleasure had been building for so long, so he just thrust into his fist and fucked himself on his fingers and imagined being watched and wanted and desired for all of it until the pleasure undid him. Wave after debilitating wave, all he could do was lie there and let it wreck him, and whine through it. 

He was left in a messy, sweaty, shaky tangle, quite sure that he’d just had the single most intense orgasm of his life and wondering if he’d even be able to walk to the bathroom for cleanup before his parents came home from work. 

(He was, eventually, but it was a close thing.)

*

Okay, so he’d discovered he had an exhibitionist kink. No big deal. It didn’t mean he had to do anything about it. 

Sure, he liked the idea of being watched by people who found him attractive, but that didn’t mean he’d necessarily enjoy the reality of it… Not to mention, exposing himself in the way that he’d been imagining - by doing a camshow where strangers could watch him - worked great as a fantasy, but who knew what kind of people he might attract... What if he got awful comments instead of praising ones? What if no one turned up? What if they didn’t even like him? 

The thought caused a ball of anxiety to settle somewhere around his lower chest, much as he tried to dismiss it. This kind of thing self-regulated, right? If someone checked him out and didn’t like him, they’d just leave to find someone more to their taste… 

Well, that thought didn’t help at all. With a grimace, he pictured a stream of people opening his camshow only to leave moments later, when they saw what he looked like, or heard how awkward he was. That’d be even worse than no one showing up.

And why was he still thinking about this, anyway? It wasn’t like he was actually going to go ahead and do it. It was just a crazy idea. 

He didn’t really want to do it. And he couldn’t, anyway. It’d be a disaster. 

And who knew how dangerous it might be. Better to file the thought away for wanking purposes and move on to more realistic endeavours in the real world.

...Right?

*

Apparently not.

He could not stop thinking about it. 

Every time he got off, even when he was watching Phil’s shows (and Phil’s shows were as captivating as they came), his mind drifted to this shiny new fantasy of his. He imagined himself in Phil’s place, imagined that the comments and tips were for him, (imagined that Phil was watching him, one of his regulars, that Phil was thinking about him when he grabbed and tugged and teased his own skin, when he lost himself in the pleasure, when he moaned and shuddered so prettily, when he talked about his future boyfriend).

And it wasn’t just that he was fixated on the sexual fantasy (though, that was how it got started). No, he’d started actually thinking about it. What it might entail. How it might go, as a job. How often he’d have to do it to live off it. 

He didn’t actually know if it would be viable as a way to make money, as a lot depended on whether people tuned in to watch him, and he couldn’t predict that. But surely it had to be a more attractive prospect than his shitty job at Asda, which he was barely holding on to as it was.

Going by the terms and conditions posted on the camming site (which he’d obsessively read several times over, heart in his throat and cheeks burning and feeling foolish and young and inexperienced), he’d get a fixed rate for number of subscribers, but the amount was negligible unless you were one of the heavy hitters. The real money would come from tips and private shows, and Dan was not sure he was ready to try doing private shows yet.

He wasn’t sure that he was ready to do any of it, if he was honest, but the more he thought about it, the more he was certain that he wanted to try. He wanted this.

It was a bit mad, yeah. Not the sort of thing you could bring up at Sunday tea time with grandma, that’s for sure. Not the sort of thing you could list on your resumé as a professional lawyer, either. And that wasn’t even going into the matter of romantic relationships, and how potential partners might feel about it. 

It was atypical, socially transgressive, scorned and undervalued by mainstream society; in a word, it was decidedly queer, in every sense of the word, but damn it if that wasn’t Dan all over. 

That’s how he felt, anyway. 

Maybe he should embrace it.

[Read the rest here!]

[antiadvil]

We’re Getting Married!

PG13, 2.8k

video title: We’re Getting Married! uploaded: December 8, 2019 by AmazingPhil Description: We talk about our relationship with each other, our audience, and appropriate creator/audience boundaries. Sorry we couldn’t find a wedding venue that would fit three million people!

read more or read on ao3

A/N: *** indicates a jump cut. this is filmed in Phil’s bedroom bc in an imagined universe with joint content I can fulfill all my nostalgic fantasies oh also warning for discussion of the vday video if you're not into that

“Hey guys! Today I’m here with a very special surprise guest-”

Dan’s voice interrupted Phil from off camera. "Are you not going to put me in the thumbnail?"

Phil laughed. "I mean, probably."

"So I'm not much of a surprise."

"I guess not. Anyway, we have a special announcement-"

"Phil. They read the title. Why do your video intros always assume no one reads your titles?"

"Hey! I haven't decided what I’m going to title it yet."

Dan came into frame and flopped onto the bed with him. "Sure you haven't. You know exactly what will get this video the maximum number of clicks, you goddamn-"

Phil threw his hand over Dan’s mouth. “Stop.”

He yanked it back almost immediately. “Did you just lick me?”

Dan smiled. “Maybe.”

“You’re disgusting. I’m going to go wash my hands with bleach,” Phil said, climbing off of his bed.

“Can you bring me a glass of water?” Dan called after him. “I’m thirsty.”

Phil called something back. It was entirely bleeped out.

***

“Count of three,” Phil said. “One, two, three-”

“We’re getting married!” Dan’s normally large hand gestures were carefully constrained by the glass of water in his right hand.

“Some of you are probably confused-” Phil said.

“Some of you are probably hyperventilating,” Dan interrupted, “And I’d like to say that while you’re valid, get a life that is not vicariously lived through our relationship. Please.”

“So let’s do a bit of background first,” Phil finished. “So I think most of you who follow us know that Dan and I met on the internet in 2009 and then we met up later the same year, which is when we filmed the first Phil is not on fire.”

“What you probably know if you watched my coming out video is that the whole time, we were super gay for each other,” Dan added. “What I didn’t really get into is that we’re still super gay for each other.”

“Wait, we are?”

Dan shrugged, setting his water on Phil’s nightstand. “I mean, I’m still super gay for you.”

Phil frowned. “I don’t know if I’d describe it that way.”

“Well, this is awkward,” Dan muttered.

“Anyway, we’ve been dating ever since then, and we thought we’d give a quick little recap of our relationship for those of you who just got here. So, I already mentioned that we met in 2009-”

“Obligatory disclaimer, we don’t endorse travelling a hundred and fifty miles to meet a guy who’s four years older than you that you met on the internet, even if you were the one who stalked him first.”

“Hey!” Phil laughed.

“But anyway,” Dan continued, “Phil and I met in a public place before going to his house and it turned out he wasn’t an axe murderer, so everything was fine.”

“What would you have done if I was?” Phil asked.

“You know, that’s a really great question. I maybe should have thought a little bit more about that.”

“So, we’re not even five minutes into the video and the biggest takeaway is that you should never have come to meet me?”

Dan nodded. “Our entire relationship was a mistake. I’m sorry, everyone, time to go home.”

“So poor life choices aside, we met in 2009, filmed Phil is not on fire, and just generally hung out a lot.”

“Hung out is one word for what we spent most of our time doing, but since this is Phil’s channel, let’s leave it at that.” Dan winked.

“Hey!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “Look me in the eye and tell me that is not what we spent most of our time together doing.”

“That is not what we spent most of our time doing.”

“Okay then, if you say so-”

“I do-” Phil insisted.

“Then we’ll leave it at that. We visited a lot, but, full disclosure, long distance sucks, which was a big factor in my decision to attend uni in Manchester. You probably already know how that went down.” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Apart from the uni part, though, it was really nice being so close by, so we moved in together in 2011.”

“And then there was what you will probably know as the Valentine’s day video,” Dan said with a grimace.

“Dan and I don’t really feel comfortable discussing the details of that whole thing because that video was very personal to us.”

Dan smiled in Phil’s direction. “I still have a copy.”

“But seriously, if you’re not me or Dan, I’d really appreciate it if you’d remove any copies you’ve posted on the internet and delete any copies you may have saved, out of respect for our privacy.”

“Believe me, I know nothing I can say will make that video disappear. My entire life is just proof that anything you put on the internet is permanent. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it now, but I want people to understand that all the speculation about my sexuality that came up when that video resurfaced really hurt me. Don’t do that. Seriously. If you think a celebrity or a YouTuber or whoever is hiding their sexuality, just let them. You don’t know what’s happening in their lives, and honestly, you’re not entitled to, either.”

Phil nodded. “Also, that was a really hard time for us as a couple as well as personally. I don’t think a lot of people realize the pressure being constantly under a microscope has on a relationship, which is one of the reasons we chose not to share our relationship and why we still don’t feel comfortable sharing everything about it.”

“Which is fine! Neither of us are ashamed of our relationship. We’re not hiding anything. We just aren’t really looking forward to reading newspaper headlines about our relationship, which really doesn’t seem like it should be news. Like, it’s our relationship, not the entire world’s relationship,” Dan explained.

“Really, it seems so weird to us that people even care about it. Like, it’s flattering and all, don’t get me wrong, but it was also a bit scary at first when we weren’t out.”

“It’s like, remember in my coming out video how I mentioned that when that guy said I gave off a bi vibe it really scared me? Having strangers on the internet tell me that my relationship with Phil was obvious was scary when even my parents didn’t know. The shipping was fine. It was mostly the speculation that was scary.”

“But we made it.” Phil put his hand on Dan’s leg and smiled.

Dan smiled back, almost forgetting the camera in the room. “God, there were some days I thought we wouldn’t. But we did. And I love you.”

Phil smiled even wider and swiped at his eyes.

Dan’s smile grew to a smirk. “Are you crying? Oh my god, you are such a dork.”

“Your mum’s a dork,” Phil muttered.

Dan reached for his phone. “I’m telling her you said that.”

“No!” Phil threw his shoulder into Dan’s chest, sending him sprawling against Phil’s bed.

Dan laughed. “Ow. Hey, Siri, call Mu-”

Phil put his hand over Dan’s mouth. “Stop.”

Dan’s phone chirped from the other side of the bed. “Okay. Calling Mum.”

Dan scrambled to reach it. “Oh shit, oh fuck, should I hang up?”

“Dan! You can’t call your mum and then hang up on her.”

“Shut up, rat, this is your fau- Oh, hey, Mum!”

“Hi!” Phil said.

“Oh, hello, Dan! And Phil. Is everything alright?”

“You need to call your mum more often, Dan, if every time she picks up she asks if something’s wrong,” Phil said.

Dan’s mum laughed. 

“Shut up, Phil. No, Mum, nothing’s wrong, just wanted to catch up.”

***

“So, I’m never jokingly asking Siri to call anyone ever again,” Dan said.

“Why? Was calling your mum that horrible?” Phil laughed.

“Shut up, Phil. That was your fault.” 

“Does your mum watch your videos?” Phil asked.

“Not really.”

“I’m sending her a link to this one.”

“I hate you,” Dan said quietly.

“You too.”

***

"Now, Phil, we've been dating for a pretty long time." 

Phil shrugged. "Only like ten years.”

"So, Phil, why did we wait so long for this?"

Phil nodded. "Well, first of all, it wasn't legal for a pretty long time."

"Right. Civil partnerships were a thing in 2004, but I'm lame and traditional, and same sex marriage was only legalized in 2014. That's half of our relationship, for some perspective."

"And, fun fact," Phil added, "Same sex marriage is still illegal in Northern Ireland."

Dan frowned. "That was not a fun fact. That was a very sad fact."

"But it's a true fact," Phil protested.

"Moving on, again!" Dan said. "I also wanted my family to be there, and, well, I'm a mess who didn't even come out to them until like six months ago."

Phil patted Dan's shoulder comfortingly. "You're not a mess."

Dan stared at the camera. "I'm a mess."

"Okay, fine. You're a little bit of a mess."

Dan turned to Phil in mock outrage. “You think I’m a mess?”

“No! I-”

Dan turned back to the camera. “You heard it here, folks. Phil is judging me because I took my time coming out. Phil hates closeted people.”

Phil glared at him. “I’m never agreeing with you ever again.”

“This relationship is off to a great start!”

***

“So back to the original question! Why now, Dan?”

“Well, Phil, now that I’m out to my family we can have a proper wedding, and now that we’re out to our viewers we don’t have to worry about one of our own personal stalkers finding our marriage records.” 

“Also, marriage does come with a lot of cool perks,” Phil added.

“Gotta get those sweet, sweet tax benefits.”

“And that sweet, sweet, societal recognition of our relationship.”

“Also, it makes buying a house and general joint property ownership way simpler, which will make it a lot easier to take all of Phil’s subscribers in the inevitable divorce.”

Phil laughed. “What?”

Dan blinked. “Sorry, I didn’t say anything. Did you hear something?”

“Well, I thought I heard you say you were going to divorce me and take my subscribers.”

Dan shook his head, his expression deeply offended. “Why would I say that? Who would do such a thing?”

Phil stared solemnly at the camera. “Gaslighting is a form of abuse.”

“Thank you for the PSA, Phil.”

“Just documenting the abuse I’m currently suffering under so that I can take all your subscribers in the divorce,” Phil said.

Dan frowned. “Okay, I wasn’t going to say anything, but you sounded really serious just then so I now feel the need to clarify that I am not abusing Phil and also, domestic violence is not funny.”

Phil laughed. “No actual abuse.”

Dan sighed. “We’re terrible people, aren’t we?”

“I mean, we’re not terrible people.”

Dan laughed. “We’re just bad people, with terrible senses of humor. That’s so much better.”

“We can edit it out if-” Phil started.

“I mean, it’s your channel-” Dan said.

They stared at each other for a moment before shrugging in unison. “Whatever,” they said, still in unison.

***

“So, Phil, what’s changing for our viewers?” Dan asked.

“Literally nothing. We’ll be taking a short break from uploading-”

“Which I do all the time! So I doubt you’ll even notice.”

“But we’re not going to change the types of videos we upload. This isn’t a relationship channel.”

Dan winked. “As much as you might want it to be.” 

“Seriously, though. We’re not even changing our names. Nothing’s changing,” Phil assured the camera.

“But in case it wasn’t clear, here are some FAQs.”

Phil pulled out a stack of notecards and put on his best announcer voice. “Are we invited?”

Dan smiled. “No.”

Phil flipped to the next card. “Kiss!”

“That’s not a question, but somehow, the answer is still no.”

Phil laughed. “I think a photo of us kissing would actually break the internet.”

Dan shrugged. “Really, we’re just being kind to your internet providers.”

“Lester-Howell or Howell-Lester?”

“We already answered that, Phil. You really need to screen these questions better, especially since you wrote them.”

“Answer it anyway,” Phil pleaded.

Dan sighed heavily. “Neither. I would never saddle my child with two last names.”

“Child?” Phil turned to the camera with an exaggerated gasp.

Dan smiled. “That’s all you’re getting. Let the fanfiction writing begin.”

Phil paused. “Wait, so whose last name-”

“Honestly, I was just joking because neither of us are changing our names, but if you want to have a Dan versus Phil to see who gets to name our child-”

“I’m good.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Phil turned to the next card. “Wedding photos?”

“Is that a question or a demand? Please don’t hack my hard drive.”

“Top or bottom?”

“There is no way anyone actually thinks we’ll answer that.”

“Probably not.” Phil flipped again. “And last, but definitely not least, why are we telling our viewers?”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say that we’re telling a lot more people than our viewers. But I never had any healthy models for queer relationships when I was a kid, and if I can provide that, I don’t see why not.” Dan’s voice was surprisingly serious.

“Think of us like your parents,” Phil added. “We’re here to show you how healthy relationships work, but we’re not here to show you everything. Partly because we need some privacy and partly because that would be gross.”

Dan was wincing as soon as he heard the word “parents.” “Phil, Phil, please stop. Do not encourage our audience to think of us as their parents. Did you learn nothing from our tumblr tag? Please never say those words again.”

“Fine, I’ll edit them out.”

Dan shook his head. “You said it, Phil. You can’t escape it.”

“Okay, well, at least give another response so I can decide if I want to keep it in,” Phil persuaded, in the soft, natural, voice he normally saved for off camera.

Dan gave an exaggerated sigh. “Honestly, hiding a relationship is just so much work. Especially a marriage. And you guys are total stalkers. Like seriously. Get a life. Please.”

“That’s better! And much more fitting with who our audience is.”

“Phil, I’m the one who gets to insult our fans. You’re the one who says we love them and appreciate them.”

“We do!” Phil insisted.

“Do we?” Dan asked skeptically.

“Yes.” Phil laughed, staring at Dan in disbelief.

“Kidding,” Dan muttered, flashing a smile at the camera. “Please buy my merch.”

Phil sighed. “Danielhowellshop.com?”

Dan smiled. “Also, while you’re at it, check out my good friend Phil’s merch at amazingphilshop.com!”

Phil stared straight at the camera. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“You know what, we’re such close friends that we also have a joint merch shop, danandphilshop.com. You could begin there, Phil.”

“Is it too early for a divorce?” Phil asked.

“Yes. You’re stuck with me.”

“Am I really?”

“Just think about the tax benefits. Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and remember how much money you’re going to save by marrying me.”

Phil shook his head. “It’s not worth it.”

Dan pouted.

***

“For more videos like this-”

“Phil. We’re never making another video like this again.”

“For more videos not like this, click on my face to subscribe to my channel, click on Dan’s face to subscribe to his channel-”

“I have plans to actually upload a video this year-”

“And for our joint channel, click here.” Phil raised their joined hands.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to edit this video, upload it, and disconnect my internet for at least a month.”

Dan turned to Phil. “That’s not a bad idea, actually. I’m not sure I want to open tumblr for the next six years.”

Phil cringed. “Me neither. Guys, please try not to go too crazy. I lost friends over the protip incident of 2016.”

Dan shuddered. “So many people refuse to talk to us now. I’m not even joking.”

“We appreciate the support!” Phil insisted.

“Just like, maybe on our videos instead of completely random ones,” Dan suggested.

Phil nodded. “Anyway, if you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up, or leave a comment. Like I said, Dan and I will be taking a short break from YouTube and social media for the wedding and honeymoon, but we’ll be back soon with plenty of content.”

“I don’t want to see any of your conspiracy theories about how we’re leaving YouTube out there, I promise it’ll only be like a month.”

“And that’s the normal amount of time between two Dan videos,” Phil interjected, “So-”

“Hey! I said I would upload this year.”

Phil smiled. “Never said you wouldn’t.”

***

“Count of three again?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded. “Three, two, one-”

“Goodbye!”

[greed-the-dorkalicious]

Actually, you know what? I’m gonna come right out and say it. The FMA fandom is blatantly arophobic, and I’m tired of it. No, maybe it’s not as bad as some other fandoms (particularly the one that starts with a V and ends in Oltron), but enough to piss me off. Let me explain why.

The FMA fandom is deeply entrenched in shipping as being the default. It’s generally assumed that if you’re not into pairing A, you must be into pairing B, and vice versa. I’ve even seen posts along the lines of “Why would anyone be into FMA if not for (insert pairing here)?”, which, while generally innocent jokes not meant to be taken 100% seriously, are still hurtful to aros (particularly those of us who are romance repulsed). 

Of the 14,332 FMA fics on AO3 as of writing this post, 4,813 of them are tagged as gen. If you filter out fics that are also tagged with M/F, M/M, F/F, multi, or other, that number drops to 3685. This means that of all the FMA fics currently on AO3, only about 25% are accessible to people not interested in romance- And that’s not even accounting for improperly tagged fics, or filtering out crossovers for those who aren’t interested in those either.

I pretty much never see aro headcanons (or any sort of aspec headcanon, for that matter) from anyone other than me, or other aros. When I talk about my aro headcanons, while they’re not always outright rejected, they’re not particularly enthusiastically welcomed either. Usually, the only followers of mine who reblog such posts are people who are already in some way aspec themselves, or have been at some point questioning aspec. My alloromantic, allosexual followers don’t like to acknowledge my identity.

Al, the only main character to not have a love interest from early on in FMA history (May didn’t start showing interest in Al until about halfway through the series, and most major pairings have been around since the 03 days) is often overlooked. Despite being a protagonist and the initial driving force of the plot, he’s rarely the center of fandom discussion or content. When he does appear, he’s often pushed into the role of wingman for other characters, or the focus is on his relationship with May- Despite the fact that in canon, he’s at best been shown to sort of ignore her romantic advances, and at worst been pretty uncomfortable with them. I am sincerely not trying to hate on May here, nor people who ship her with Al. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to ship them, and I do think May is a genuinely really cool and badass character aside from her relationship with Al. But am I really the only one made uncomfortable by how much people ship them, given the way she treats him in canon? She’s very pushy, often refers to him as “her” Alphonse, and has even gone so far as to get angry at him for “cheating” on her just by hanging out with a close friend who’s also a girl. I am not trying to demonize May, I really do like her, but... I mean, imagine if Al were a girl and May were a boy. Would this be remotely acceptable? No. By the way, there are currently 4261 fics on AO3 tagged with Alphonse Elric. This means that less than 30% of all FMA fics on AO3 feature Al, THE GODDAMN DEUTERAGONIST OF THE SERIES. If you only include gen fics, that number drops to 1,817, or a mere 12% of all FMA fics on AO3. That’s right, only about 12% of FMA fics on AO3 feature Al, one of the series protagonists, without including a romantic pairing. Sure, maybe people just don’t like Al- But I definitely find it suspicious that the main character who isn’t involved in a popular pairing is the one to get this treatment.

Many of my FMA mutuals (and I’m not going to name any specific names, because I’m not trying to single out any individual and I do genuinely love all my FMA mutuals and I believe they don’t mean any harm, and also because there’s just too many to list at this point) continue to reblog or even produce aphobic dogwhistles, such as posts that include lots of different LGBTQ+ identities but specifically and deliberately do not include aros and aces (or worse, posts that only talk about L, G, B, T specifically), posts that use aspec identities or issues as a punchline, or posts made by aphobic bloggers. A lot of FMA fans also seem to identify as “neutral on the discourse”, which... While I can see why they might think that’s the best way to avoid hurting anyone, it’s really not. Saying that you’re “neutral on the discourse” does not signify to aspecs that you mean us no harm. In fact, it usually makes us distrust you. Exclusionists have done a huge amount of harm to aspecs; They deliberately try to erase us, harass us, belittle us, and for those of us who do have some other LGBTQ+ identity (such as me, a bisexual aro), they make us feel extremely unwelcome in our own community and like we’re not LGBTQ+ “enough”. Saying that you’re “neutral” on the discourse is saying that you do not feel a need to condemn such behavior, or to extend a welcoming hand to your aspec siblings. In the wise words of They Might Be Giants, can’t shake the devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding. While I understand that many of you may be afraid of receiving hate for supporting aspecs... I mean, come on. Those of us who are aspec cannot choose to be “neutral” on our own existence- We have to either repress our own identities, or deal with the consequences. If an allo gets anon hate for supporting aspecs, they’re still not attacking you directly. If aspecs get anon hate, they’re saying they want us, specifically, gone. Are you really so afraid to take one or two hits that you’re willing to sit by and let us get mistreated?

Oh also, this is just talking about the FMA bloggers I’ve seen who are not blatantly aphobic. God only knows how many people I’ve blocked for outright posting shit about how much they hate aspecs, or trying to tell me that the discrimination, erasure, alienation, dehumanization, and harassment I face aren’t real. I’m only addressing the parts of the fandom at this point that try to pretend they’re not aphobic/arophobic. There are plenty of FMA fans who are very clearly, deliberately, and outwardly aphobic.

I realize this post may piss people off. It may make me sound whiny, or accusatory. But you know what? FMA means more to me than any other story. FMA is what got me through everything when I was a young teen struggling with feeling inhuman and alone for being aromantic (though I didn’t have a word for it at the time- I simply thought I was broken). I’ve poured my heart and soul into FMA-Facts since 2015, and been involved in the fandom since 2009. Isn’t it time I start getting something in return?

Why should I continue to lie down and let other members of a community that’s supposed to be my safe space just walk all over me? Why should I have to sit down and shut up and bite my tongue rather than be so demanding as to ask for basic respect? I’m tired of being treated like this. I’m tired of seeing my community get treated like this. I’m tired of remembering the misery I went through as a young aro in the FMA fandom who didn’t have a support system, and knowing that little has changed since then, and knowing that there are likely still aros in the FMA fandom going through what I did.

Stop silencing me. Stop perpetuating this shit. Start treating aros like human beings who are worth celebrating.

[shookethbrooketh]

seven days (i’ll find you in any world)

day six

summary: dan is stuck in the wrong timeline. one day, he kisses phil goodnight. the next morning, he’s completely alone. he doesn’t even recognize where he wakes up, and little details in the world around him have changed. he has no clue what’s happening or where to go next in an effort to fix it; all he knows is that he has to find phil.

genre: sci-fi, a lil bit of angst, happy ending

warnings: just some swearing!

fic word count: 16.0k chapter word count: 2.4k

a/n: yes, i am back with the second to last chapter of this fic! i haven’t updated this fic in months, but i wanted to come back and finish it for you guys now that i’ve got some free time. i hope you all enjoy!! 

written for the @phandomreversebang ! inspired by the awesome moodboard/edits by @maybeformepersonally ! beta’d (beginning to end) by @i-might-just-leave-soon !

out of the corner of his eye, he caught phil being thrusted violently into a blue and purple void, but he didn’t have much time to focus on his counterpart, as he was being pulled backwards into his own void. his limbs were thrashing uncontrollably, and it took all he had not to open his mouth and let the bag escape him. as he fell farther away from phil’s flat and the universe he had come to know for a day, the edges of his vision began to go black, and all faded away into the darkness. 

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“The paper!” Dan whispered to himself with a sense of urgency; unlike days past, today Dan hadn’t managed a few seconds of blissful ignorance upon waking up. He stared at his open hands, and even his sleep-blurred vision could tell that there was no paper waiting for him. He jumped out of bed, barely taking notice of the fairly nice bed he’d woken up in, and began immediately tearing it apart in search of the paper. He must have dropped it in his sleep, he kept telling himself, although he knew it wasn’t true. A frenzy later, the room was in shambles, and the paper was nowhere to be found. 

“Fuck,” was all Dan could say as he slumped back onto the bed and put his head in his hands. At that point, he couldn’t help but take a few moments to simply cry. That moment was one of the ones where he’d missed Phil the most; he wanted nothing more than to call Phil and cry to him, explaining to him how overwhelming the past week had been for him, but even his support system had left him, and he had nothing left to do but sob out the occasional ranting phrase to himself.

About half an hour later, he’d tired himself out, and his greatest desire had become going back to sleep, but he knew that wasn’t what the day had planned for him. Overcoming his serotonin deficiency was almost as hard if not harder for him than overcoming the fact that he was literally ten years in the past, but he had to do it. He could feel how close he was to Phil, HIS Phil, and that alone was keeping him going. 

“I remember seeing a phone around here somewhere when I was destroying everything in a five foot radius of the bed,” Dan muttered to himself, all of a sudden realizing the possibility that there was someone else in the residence. He paused for a moment, poking his head out of the bedroom door. “Holy shit,” he said. The apartment he was in was even nicer than the one he and Phil had, and they had a pretty expensive flat. “Who the hell am I?” he asked no one in particular, and he was lucky to find that no one answered. “A rich loser, apparently,” he noted. 

He found the phone, which was, unsurprisingly, an iPhone 3GS. To Dan, it appeared archaic, but he remembered getting it shortly after his eighteenth birthday when it was brand new, and it was the absolute top of the line at the time. “This must be the timeline where I have ridiculously rich parents,” he quipped as he dressed himself. His clothes were nearly as fancy as the flat, but luckily what society found snobby in 2009 was nowhere near as atrocious to his 2019 brain. 

It also didn’t take Dan long to find an excess of cash lying around, and it took him even less time to figure out what he was going to do with it. He opened Google Maps and immediately found a Starbucks within a mile, and there was no doubting that he needed something to perk him up after such a devastating morning. 

Dan made his way down to the street and started following the map to the energy boost. The walk only took him about fifteen minutes, but he was already exhausted by the time he got there, and he needed that coffee almost as much as he needed to find Phil. As soon as he opened the door, though, he found he could kill two birds with one stone. 

“What can I get you?” a 2009 Phil asked the person in the front of the line. Dan couldn’t help but lock onto him; it felt a bit odd, as if his brain had shouted, “target acquired”, but he was just naturally and immediately attracted to Phil. 

The few moments standing in line waiting were agony for Dan, but he finally reached the front of the line and ordered a Pumpkin Spice Latte. “Y’know,” Phil said as he made the drink, “I’ve never tried one of these before. Is it good?” he asked, turning to face Dan and looking him up and down. “Or is it just one of those rich boy tastes?” 

Dan felt a shiver run down his spine; this Phil was aggressive. “It’s pretty good; it’ll be real big in a few years.” 

“Come again?” 

Dan’s eyes went wide as he realized what he’d said. “Nothing.” 

Phil raised an eyebrow before turning back to the drink machine. He finished the drink and pulled out a sharpie to write Dan’s name on the cup. As he did, he looked up at Dan, making eye contact with him, and seemed to make a deeply analyzed decision before adding something else on the cup. 

“Dan!” he shouted, although he really didn’t need to, and handed him the cup. Dan read it; there seemed to be a phone number and the time “4:00” printed sloppily below his name. ‘Call me after I get off,’ Phil mouthed to him from across the counter. Dan took a deep breath before finding a place to sit and sip his coffee. The day had begun. 

A few hours later, Dan was sitting back in his flat of the day, staring at Phil’s phone number. After ten years and multiple universes, Dan would have thought he’d be able to call Phil without becoming extremely anxious, but still he couldn’t seem to pick up the phone. “Bullshit,” he muttered as he frantically typed the number into the keypad, rushing to push the call button before he changed his mind. 

“Hello?” Phil responded through the phone. 

“Hey, uhm, it’s Dan. The bo-” 

“Boy from the coffee shop, yeah,” Phil interrupted and finished the phrase for him. “You should come over to mine. Like, now.” 

Dan was right--this Phil was definitely quite aggressive. 

“Oh, sure. What’s your address?” 

Dan scrambled to find somewhere to write down the address and listened intently as Phil recited the numbers for the third time. Thankfully, his idiocy didn’t seem to put Phil off at all. 

“Great, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he said once he’d gotten the address written down correctly. They said their goodbyes, and Dan was on his way. 

Dan couldn’t help but get inside his own head as he walked down the sidewalk. “He was really intent on getting me to come over, wasn’t he?” he mumbled to himself. “If I hadn't known him for ten years, I might have been a bit creeped out.” He stared at his feet as he walked. “I suppose I really haven’t known him for ten years. Not this him, at least.” 

He walked in silence the rest of the way; anxiety was beginning to eat away at him. He was starting to get an instinctual feeling in his stomach that something was wrong, but he couldn’t turn back. He had to go meet Phil; it was his only way of getting home. 

Finally, he reached Phil’s flat, and he was sweating profusely by the time he knocked on the door. Phil opened it almost immediately, with a huge smile on his face. “Dan! Come in.” 

He followed Phil into the flat and was immediately taken aback. The entire space was filled with makeshift scientific machines that Dan couldn’t even begin to imagine the function of. It was like the garage in Rick and Morty, but these contraptions looked like they’d all been shakily built in the last few hours. 

“So, Dan,” he said, sitting on a couch in the back of the room that seemed to be the only functional space in the flat. “You’re a time traveler?” 

He liked to cut to the chase, apparently. 

“Uh, y-” 

“You’re here from 2019.” 

“Yeah, I am,” Dan said cautiously, fear coursing through him. 

Phil strode up to him, close enough that Dan could feel his breath on his face. “Me too. And I think you’re the reason why.” 

“I haven’t done anything to cause this!” Dan shouted, suddenly defensive. He was having by far the worst six days of his life, and he wasn’t exactly happy to have the blame put on him for it. 

“You’re the anomaly, Dan,” Phil said, putting an edge on his name that sent shivers down his spine. “Now tell me exactly what you’re doing here.” Phil poked him directly in the chest, and Dan jumped back. 

“This is fucking insane. I don’t want to be here! I just woke up in a different universe a few days back, and now I’m stuck here.” 

Phil’s face softened a bit. “Hmm.” He frantically searched for something to write on, and Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he was on some sort of stimulant. “Tell me everything.” 

Phil was serious when he asked Dan to tell him everything. They talked about their recent experiences for hours and hours, continuing even as darkness began to enclose Phil’s flat.

“I think it’s clear what’s going on here,” Phil said after a rare moment of silence. 

“How is anything about this clear?” Dan asked, exasperated after dealing with Phil’s cokehead rambling for hours. 

“The Phil you talked to a few days ago had it explained perfectly. Another Phil tested on you, and he screwed up your timeline. Then your Phil went after you. That’s why I’m here.” 

“How do you know that?”

“Just sounds like the kind of thing he’d do, from what I’ve heard.” Dan rolled his eyes. “Even if it isn’t him, some Phil went after his Dan. There’s certainly piles and piles of parallel universes where you’re together, so it makes sense. And this is my first day stuck here, so he must have left yesterday.” 

“So now all the Phils are screwed up too?” Dan asked, a pit growing in his stomach. He didn’t have a scientific understanding of the situation like Phil did, but he knew that both of them being lost in parallel universes was not the best situation for Dan finding his Phil. 

“Sort of. But that could be very dangerous. When two anomalies take place at once, they could collide.” 

Dan’s eyes popped out of his head. “What the hell does that mean?” 

“See, this is the one thing that the other Phil you talked to was wrong about. Not all Dans and all Phils are screwed up quite yet. Anomalies are a ripple effect,” Phil responded, starting to draw on a chalkboard he somehow had in the flat. “They start in one universe, and then spread to all of its parallel universes,” he said, providing a visual involving way too many circles for Dan to follow. “Then they spread to the next layer of universes, and so on and so forth. If two anomalies collide,” he started, writing up a formula that confused Dan even more, “the timeline splits beyond repair after 24 hours. That’s when every Dan and every Phil will be affected, and that’s when neither of us will ever be able to get our timelines back.” 

“Wait,” Dan tried to interject, but Phil vocalized his concern before he could even think it through fully.” 

“And judging by the fact that I’m pretty confident that a Phil tried to time travel to get back to a Dan affected by the anomaly, they’ve definitely already intersected.” 

“What are you saying?”

“If we can’t fix this by tomorrow, we never will.” 

Dan sat in silent awe for a moment. He looked up at Phil, and just for a moment he saw the 22-year-old boy he’d fallen in love with. He blinked, and that Phil was gone. All that was left was a form who met him just that morning. “One more day,” was all he said. One more day, and he’d never see his Phil again. 

“One more day,” Phil confirmed. 

Dan took a deep breath before standing up. “Let’s get to work.” 

Dan spent the next few hours acting as Phil’s secretary as he calculated every possible formula and attempted every possible test to repair a timeline. 

By the time the night was up, Dan had made multiple runs for coffee and office supplies, and the entire floor of Phil’s flat was littered with crumpled papers. Finally, Phil looked up at Dan with desperation in his eyes. “This is it,” he said, holding up a paper. “This is the only thing I think could work.” 

Dan stared expectantly back at him. “Then try it!” 

“It’s only five minutes until midnight. There’s no time.” 

Dan could feel his body beginning to shut down. “But you have to do something!” he shouted, shaking as his heart beat out of his chest. 

“There’s nothing I can do!” Phil shouted back. “You have to take this to your next timeline,” he said, holding out the paper he’d written his solution on.” 

“Me? Why me?” he asked. “You’re the one who understands it!” 

“I can’t,” he said. “You remember that Phil telling you that we can feel the rights and wrongs of the timeline?” 

Dan nodded, his breathing suddenly slowing.

“Trust me. You’re the one who needs this.”

Dan reached out and took the paper, a wave of calm coming over him. “What do I do with this? The last time I tried to take something from one day to another, I lost it.” 

“Put it in your mouth,” Phil said almost too quickly. 

“That’s disgusting,” Dan responded. 

“Just do it! It’s a basic of time travel,” Phil snapped.

“Can you at least put it in a bag so the ink doesn’t run?” Dan asked, visibly annoyed. Phil found a Ziploc and handed it over, allowing Dan to put the paper inside. Dan put the bag in his mouth, and only a few seconds later he felt the ground come out from under him. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Phil being thrusted violently into a blue and purple void, but he didn’t have much time to focus on his counterpart, as he was being pulled backwards into his own void. His limbs were thrashing uncontrollably, and it took all he had not to open his mouth and let the bag escape him. As he fell farther away from Phil’s flat and the universe he had come to know for a day, the edges of his vision began to go black, and all faded away into the darkness. 

[hellevator-mp3]

storytime || Part 1

Full Title: storytime: my lover’s an assassin and he tried to kill me!

Pairing(s): Markhyuck, Norenmin, Chenji/Chensung

Genre: ??? Not entirely sure what to call this???

Word Count: 5,000+

Warnings: None

Author Note: so um!! this has been a long time coming!! me and my best friend (weirdandawesome15 on ao3!) have been working on this for about two months and we’re finally ready with the first chapter! also, this chapter does jump around quite a bit so please, please, please pay attention to timestamps and dates!! it starts out in the future and then goes into the actual present of the story!

mark had been kidnapped before, someone snatching him from the grocery store aisle just behind his mom when she had her back turned.  that was nothing like this, there was no rope around his wrist and no group of people hiding weapons standing in front of him.  then, he had screamed and struggled, but now? he’s calm, if only for the fact that their leader is cute.  

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

2:16 p.m, 8.13.????, location: ???’s backyard

it was a nice gathering, mark had to admit. he wasn’t exactly sure what they were all there for, but food was involved and mark didn’t like paying absurd amounts of money to feed himself and hyuck, so there they were, surrounded (mostly) by people they knew.  mark had taken one of the lawn chairs for himself, hyuck settled on one of his thighs with his feet perched on another lawn chair, with someone mark had never met sitting across from them - but hyuck seemed to know him well, considering the way that he was talking animatedly and without the use of honorifics.  of course, they had been introduced to one another, mark and the stranger, but mark was horrible with names and couldn’t remember the stranger’s name to save his soul.  so he suffered in silence.  

that is, until hyuck mentioned his name and mark tuned back in to their conversation, dragging his eyes away from where renjun had jeno in a headlock to keep him from rushing towards the neighbors’ cat, a fluffy thing with bright green eyes that made eye contact with jeno exactly once, and he now swore he was in love.  

but mark won’t let himself linger on that.  instead, he focused on the words spilling from hyuck’s lovely lips, and the laugh that followed soon after.  “…and we didn’t notice until like, five minutes later.  renjun went to hit him or something, and mark threw his hands up real quick to protect his pretty face and we all just kinda looked at him like “what?” and mark was like “oh, yeah, i wasn’t supposed to do that”.”  hyuck even imitated the way mark had said it, causing the older to pinch his side in retaliation.

the stranger laughed in response to the story and impression, gesturing for the younger boy to continue on with his story even though mark was sending him a withering glare that could kill.  “so then what happened?”  he asked, eyes alight as he watched the lovers’ interaction.  

“well obviously, our beautiful leader aka moi had to tie him up again because that idiot,” he coughed loudly and pointedly, the sound vaguely coming out like ‘jeno’, “can’t tie a proper knot to save his life.” hyuck scoffs and shakes his head in exasperation, “they may be assassins but they’re actually really dumb, all they can do is panic and be gay for their boyfriends.”

the stranger snickered into his hand, “huh, sounds like a certain someone else that we know, eh, hyuckie?” the aforementioned male just sent the other a blank look.

“look johnny, if they were like me, then they would have been much more fabulous and less…ah… mediocre. maybe they’d actually be good at their job.” hyuck threw back, shifting as though he was gonna lunge for johnny had it not been for mark’s hands suddenly on his hips.  while hyuck settled back against mark’s chest, mark was burning johnny’s name into his mind, telling himself not to forget it.  

renjun scoffed in reply, his hearing suddenly increasing tenfold at the mention of one of his beloved boyfriends.  “listen, lee donghyuck,” his lips curled as he playfully spat out the name of the other, while his grip loosened on jeno and the boy finally broke free, “the world doesn’t have enough room for anymore egos like yours.  it’s already the size of mount kilimanjaro.” hyuck looked offended at this, tsking playfully back and muttering something under his breath.  

when jaemin traipsed out into the backyard to announce that the sweets were ready, he found chaos outside that he thought he had escaped from in the kitchen.  under the watchful eye of johnny, jeno and hyuck were wrestling, jeno shouting something about “renjun’s honor”.  

jaemin?  he turned tail and retreated back to the kitchen, preferring to deal with the two babies covered in flour over the fully grown adults playing in the yard.

7:34 a.m., 5.28.????, location: unknown

an abandoned warehouse was the home of a very peculiar group, one of whom was a male just surfacing from a drug-induced state of unconsciousness.  a groan slipped past his lips as he forced his eyes open, feeling cold metal underneath him and something tied tightly around his wrists and ankles, and strung across his hips and chest.  the material chafed when he tried to move - ‘that would be rope’, his mind helpfully supplied.  with a quiet curse, he looked around, taking in the unfamiliar setting that he found himself in.  “shit, how did i – oh my god, i got kidnapped.  they told me i’d never get kidnapped but yet, here i am.” his brain was still muddled from the drug, leading him to not fully process the situation, but as he took in more and more of the cracked walls and abandoned machinery, it began to fully sink in.  it took everything in him not to struggle, instead trying to calm himself by taking deep breaths.  “it’ll be fine, maybe they’ll just let me go.  yeah, that’s it, they’ll just let me go and i’ll never tell anyone and –”

the boy’s ramblings to himself were cut short, as a loud voice boomed around the room.  “lee minhyung, aka mark lee.  current age is 22, born on august 2nd, 1999.  you were born in vancouver, canada, but lived in new york, toronto, and now seoul, having moved here in 2009 due to your parents wanting to relocate and reconnect with their roots.  currently, you manage ‘ty track’s cat cafe’ alongside lee taeyong, a seoul native born on july 1st, 1995.”  

with the reveal of his own information, the boy - now identified as mark - turned to try and find the source of the voice, but to no avail.  the warehouse was mostly shrouded with darkness, little sunlight slipping in through the cracks in the walls and broken windows.  as more and more information slipped from the stranger’s mouth, a second shout could be heard.  “he works at a cat cafe? why didn’t any of you mention that?” the second voice sounded slightly different than the first, slightly lower pitched and more upset.  a thump was heard, followed shortly after by a whiny “ouch!”.  “jun, why’d you hit me?” the second voice complained loudly, followed by a deep sigh that was clearly the product of many hours of suffering.  

“because you were being a dumbass and ruined the whole plan!” a third voice replied, softer than both of the others.  although, it sounded not quite as soft with the irritation that was clearly infused into it.  

a fourth voice sighed. “i’ll get the lights.”  

after a few quiet moments, there was a ‘whir’ and a ‘click’, then light flooded the room.  mark squinted blearily, trying to adjust quickly to the light he was attacked with.  he heard footsteps coming closer, and by the time he could see properly, there was a group of five men in front of him, and another walking towards them, hair colors ranging from cabbage green to dark brown to a peachy pink and two with faded orange.  judging just by expressions, the first voice had to have come from the mousy brown haired boy with streaks of color run through his bangs.  the assumption was also supported by the microphone in his hand, and the terribly unamused face he sported.  

‘it looks cute on him.’ a voice whispered in the back of mark’s mind, the part that fell too hard and fast and that should really shut up.  

the second voice had to be the darker brown-haired man, who was still pouting and holding the back of his head, where he was presumably hit.  he kept sending pitiful glances to the shorter of the two orange haired men, who could only be the third voice.  what mark assumed to be the fourth person was the cabbage haired boy, who was heading to the empty spot beside the tallest member of their group.  now that mark began to look closer, the men - boys - couldn’t be much older than he was.  in fact, they looked as though they were a few years younger.  mark’s attention was drawn to the conversation that was being had between the dark brown haired boy, and the shorter orange haired boy - ‘jun, that has to be jun’ mark tells himself.

“–mark works at a cafe, and not just any cafe, a cat cafe! a cat cafe, jun! why wouldn’t you tell me that, of all things?”  the dark brown haired boy continued to whine, hands gripping onto ‘jun’s sleeve and shaking it slightly.  with a sigh, his hand was removed, but it just latched on once more.  

‘jun’ gives up with a resigned look.  “because we knew you’d react like this, jen.” there was an indignant huff from ‘jen’, and the pink, cotton candy haired boy moved towards the pair, sneaking his arm around ‘jen’s waist.  

“aw junnie, you don’t have to be so mean to him.  he has a point, after all.” he jokingly scolded ‘jun’, sending a wink his way as he ran comforting fingers up and down his side.  ‘jen’ fake cried into his shoulder, making a show for all to see as he turned into the slightly shorter boy.  the group could hear him uttering phrases like “you’re the only one that understands” and “see, this is why you’re my soulmate”, which caused ‘jun’ to roll his eyes at the dramatics.  the pink haired boy consoled him, patting his back comfortingly.  internally, mark was screaming, “this is ridiculous”, but instead of saying anything, he opted to roll his eyes.  

“this is sweet and all, but we’ve got other things to do, ladies.” mark’s attention shifted to the boy with the multicolored highlights, who he assumed to be their leader.  he certainly acted the part, his attitude screaming a mixture of “cross me and you’ll die”, but also “bitch i’m fabulous”, the latter making mark scratch his head.  mentally, of course, given the fact that his hands were still tied.  the deadpan look that highlight boy sent to the members made them stop and freeze, quieting their bickering in a second.  

mark would never admit the “hot” that echoed around his brain at that.  

highlights boy was perched on top of a large crate or box of some sort, twiddling with the microphone in his hands, but hopped off after he began to speak.  he clapped his hands twice, drawing everyone’s attention to him.  “i guess we can make our guest,” he glances quickly at mark, “feel a bit more comfortable and introduce ourselves.  maybe he’ll talk easier if it’s to acquaintances, and not strangers.”  he smirked a little at that, a weird twinkle in his eye startling mark for a second.  

they form a half-circle around mark, introducing themselves with an air of boredom.  the cabbage haired boy called himself ‘zhong’, and the tall boy next to him was ‘park’.  it quickly became apparent that these were aliases when the cotton candy haired boy introduced himself as ‘nana’, then ‘jun’ and ‘jen’, who wondered amongst themselves if they should use their last names as well.  ‘jun’ shrugged, and said that they should just stick with what they had already.  

after their initial ‘introduction’ of sorts, the air became tense with the weight of the questions held on the members’ tongues.  mark’s eyes shifted between the six, never stopping for more than a second on each of their faces - except for one.  the chestnut-haired boy with the multi-colored highlights was the only one to keep his identity a secret, not even giving mark an alias or code name.  there was something in mark’s head that directly associated the caramel hue of the boy’s skin with the sun, officially dubbing him as ‘sunshine’ in his head.  it totally wasn’t because of the images that he held in his head, the thoughts that would never see the light of day, definitely not.  

‘park’ meandered forward, squatting down in front of mark so that they were eye level.  ‘zhong’ followed behind, placing his hand on the taller boy’s shoulder, either to steady him or to control him.

mark wasn’t sure which it was, and didn’t care to find out.  

“so, do you know why you’re here?” ‘park’ asked flatly, draining the emotion from his voice.  mark shook his head, replying with a barely heard “no”.  

the pink haired boy - ‘nana’, was it? - stepped forward from their circle.  “it’s because you’re dangerous, mark.”

with the reveal of that information, mark made a sound in the back of his throat that sounded vaguely dog-like. three of the boys stopped, their pokerfaces nearly falling, and ‘jun’ hit one of the other two.  “dude, it sounded just like you!” he laughed, and ‘jen’ hissed a “shut up” in reply.  ‘jun’ seemed to shrink away, nodding quickly.  ‘jen’ noticed his posture, and wrapped an arm around his waist.  ‘sunshine’ huffed, muttering something about “the dumb hets that he was forced to deal with”, causing the others to drop their facade completely and begin arguing amongst themselves.  “you can’t just call people dumb hets, haechan! especially not the ga-” ‘zhong’ was stopped in his tracks as ‘sunshine’, now known as ‘haechan’, lunged forward and dropped the green haired boy to the floor, fingers interlocked at his neck.  

“And you can’t just go around revealing people’s aliases, ch - zhong!” haechan seemed to stutter over his words, and seemed disgruntled when ‘zhong’ began laughing, ‘haechan’ being pushed around by the force of his laughter.  

mark just watched in confusion, fingers twiddling with the knot tied over his wrists.  amidst their fighting, none of them heard the soft thump of the rope hitting the floor, and mark found himself unable to move due to shock.  

it took a few moments for the room to quiet, but when it did, they could hear a pin drop outside if they tried hard enough.  mark caught himself counting the cracks in the ceiling, aimlessly wondering if it was sound enough to not come crashing down on them if they were in there any longer.  a sigh drew his attention once more, eyes flickering over individual faces before landing on ‘jun’.  ‘park’ and ‘zhong’ had retreated silently, standing to the side of the others, and ‘haechan’ had moved to take their place.  

“so, you really don’t know why you’re here?” he asked quietly, watching mark’s face intently.  mark shook his head, and ‘haechan’ let a sigh slip past his lips.  he moved to squat in front of the tied up boy, then seemed to change his mind as he nearly threw himself down and sat cross-legged instead, settling into his position with a groan.  ‘zhong’ made a nearly inaudible comment about ‘haechan’ becoming an old man, said boy turning to send a glare his way that could kill if it was possible.  ‘zhong’ didn’t seem phased, laughing quietly behind his hand as soon as ‘haechan’ turned away, but it didn’t take long for ‘park’ to shush him and smack the back of his head, gesturing for him to listen.  mark’s eyes immediately focused on ‘haechan’ again, waiting patiently for him to start speaking.  

‘haechan’ tried to keep up his angry facade, but a smile slipped onto his face when ‘zhong’ just laughed harder.  soon enough, the entire group had dissolved into giggles, following the leader.  it was infectious, clearly, since none of them knew what was funny, but yet still laughed their hearts out.  ‘jun’ was the only one to stay quiet, a fond smile on his lips as ‘nana’ clutched his sleeve, doubled over due to the force of his laughter.  even mark had a small smile on his lips, but he would never admit that it was due to the loud, raucous laughter issuing from ‘haechan’.  mark simply watched with something akin to fondness in his expression, but soon realized what was wrong with that.  ‘they kidnapped you, you idiot!’ he internally berated himself for letting his guard down, remembering exactly where he had been prior to this.  

–

11:32 p.m, 5.27.????, location: ty track’s cat cafe

mark sighed as he took a look at the rest of the paperwork spread out in front of him, covering nearly the entire countertop that he normally served drinks over.  taeyong, the manager that was meant to deal with the paperwork, was currently on a vacation, leaving mark to watch over the cafe for a week and a half.   with a sigh, he realized that there was no way he was going to finish this tonight, and decided to stow away what he had left for tomorrow. the cafe was empty, the other staff having already left him alone to close.  the young male let a yawn escape his lips, stretching a bit, and listening to some of his joints pop in the process.  he returned all the leftover papers to taeyong’s office, before beginning to put chairs up and sweep the floor, picking up the little bits of waste that were left behind.  one of his coworkers, jungwoo, had already washed all the dishes and things, which just left mark to clean up the main area, wipe down the counter, and then he was free to lock up and leave.  

he did just that, checking the clock every few minutes until he was finally free to leave.  it wasn’t until a quarter ‘till midnight that he was finally walking to his place, to the tiny apartment he called home.  the streets were quiet, small groups of people milling around outside of bars or clubs, but they left mark to his own devices as he answered texts that he got during his shift, assuring his manager, taeyong, that he had closed up shop without a problem and was getting home safe.

the walk wasn’t more than ten minutes, and soon he was entering the code for his door, stepping inside and taking off his shoes before venturing inside.  he didn’t even bother to put on his slippers, instead padding upstairs to his bedroom that took up the space of a small loft.  he threw himself down onto the bed, only after shimmying out of his work pants and sliding on a pair of shorts instead, toeing off his socks as he tried to get comfortable.  he knew he smelled of strong coffee and shots of hazelnut, but couldn’t find it in himself to care as his tired body became one with the bed and he slipped into the strange in between state of not quite unconscious, but not quite conscious, either.  

he laid like that for a while, the quiet of the apartment creeping into his bones and leaving him there to stew in his thoughts for a few hours before he could drift off.  

–

3:15 a.m, 5.28.????, location: mark’s apartment

a crash broke the silence in the small apartment.  six figures crept not so sneakily through the space, the two youngest not even bothering to be quiet in their whispering.  one of the eldest turned to them, shushing them with a finger to his lips and narrowed eyes that seemed to spit sparks at them.  “park, zhong, we’re never gonna secure the target if you two don’t stop with your shenanigans.”  the two youngest glanced at one another, shrugged, and crept away the second their hyungs’ backs were turned.  the four left continued their journey, ignoring the crashes and bangs that echoed in the kitchen, praying to all that is holy that their target was a deep sleeper - or better yet, dead to the world.  

in addition to that noise, there was a small incessant meowing that emitted from the arms of one of the taller boys.  the cat bearer was the next to be reprimanded by the shorter male.  “and jen, did you really have to bring the cat?”  ‘jen’ snorted in response, leaning into the slightly shorter boy next to him.  “nana, please tell him it wasn’t necessary to bring the cat.  he has no purpose!” the shortest teen complained again, yanking at the sleeve of the significantly taller figure, identified as ‘nana’.  before he could reply, ‘jen’s nose was in the air as he huffed out a “well, at least he has a purpose, unlike you” with a pointed glance at the male.  he stomped off, kitten in hand, to go join the two youngest in their kitchen escapade.  

“so, nana, are you gonna explain the cat?” the shortest turned to ‘nana’, and gestured towards the kitchen, where they could hear whispers of glee and the purrs of the kitten.  ‘nana’ gave him a sheepish look, murmuring something under his breath that the shortest couldn’t hear, the only thing he caught being his nickname and alias, ‘jun’.  “oh, none of that ‘but jun’ nonsense, spit it out.”  he snapped quietly, tapping his foot impatiently.  the only other person in the room with them stared at the two, watching as they tossed words back and forth like a tennis match, his eyes flickering back and forth between the two.  

“you gotta believe me, i told him not to bring the cat but he gave me those eyes and you know i can’t resist our boyfriend when he gives me those puppy dog eyes.”  ‘nana’ pleaded desperately, trying to escape the scorn that he knew was coming.  

instead, ‘jun’ rubbed his temples and heaved a sigh.  “alright, but next ti-”

his words were interrupted by a loud crash that shook the floor.  ‘jun’ knew that soon the neighbors would be calling the police on them, so he grabbed ‘nana’s wrist and hauled him into the kitchen to find out what the others were doing.  

the last male, who still stood in one spot and went unnamed, just rolled his eyes at the commotion.  “i could have ended up with any other gay squad, but it just had to be this one.”  with one more glance at the kitchen, he began the ascent up the stairs to search for their intended target - lee minhyung, aka mark lee.  

–

2:50 a.m, 5.28.????, location: mark’s apartment

mark couldn’t sleep.  that was not a rare occurrence, but never before had he tossed and turned so much, only to be avoided by sleep.  it was as if his brain couldn’t shut off, too many things running through his mind.  “i have to balance the budget and finish those papers and be up by 5 so i’ll be able to get to the cafe at 7 and –”

the thoughts just kept coming, poking and prodding at his consciousness in order to keep him from slipping into a blissful sleep.  the 22-year-old rubbed at his eyes and yawned, turning on his side to fumble around in the dark for his phone.  he was greeted by the blinding brightness of the screen, which he dimmed quickly as he squinted at the device in his hand.

it took a minute of scrolling through his ‘sleep’ playlist, eyes catching on anything from classic titles like ‘the nutcracker’ by pyotr tchaikovsky, and songs from disney movies.  in the end, he decided to shuffle it, listening as the beginning of ‘part of your world’ from ‘the little mermaid’ began to pour from his speaker.  then, it was a mission of turning to his other side in order to dig out a book from the pile on his other nightstand, before the lamp was finally flicked on, his glasses were settled on his nose, and he was leaned up against the headboard, hoping to find sleep in the pages of the book.  

–

3:28 a.m, 5.28.???? , location: mark’s apartment

the unnamed male opened up doors as quietly as he could, peering inside the rooms to see if the target was in any of them.  he passed by a storage closet, a bathroom, and a small guest room before finally spotting the soft light that spilled out underneath one of the doors.  “of course it would be the last place i check.”  he grumbled, heaving a sigh as he padded towards the door as quietly as possible.  there was a small click as he loaded a tranquilizer dart into his gun, before pushing the door open with one hand, the other holding the gun with his finger just above the trigger, ready to shoot at a moment’s notice.  he had expected the target to be asleep when the door opened, but instead, his eyes met with a panicked pair of brown eyes.  “oh, shit.”  he swore under his breath, aiming carefully before pressing on the trigger and watching the dart fly through the air as if in slow motion.

the target - mark - let out a small whine when the dart pierced his skin, and he seemed to get sluggish quickly as the two of them made eye contact once more, the unnamed male waiting for the drug to seep into his bloodstream.  he was by mark’s side when his grip relaxed, the book falling to the floor and mark almost following it.  he, as gently as possible (come on, he’s not a complete monster), slung the unconscious boy over his shoulder and made his way back downstairs and to the kitchen, humming a tune under his breath.  

as he turned into the kitchen, the first thing he saw was ‘jun’ sitting in the corner, seeming to have lost control of the chaos.  ‘zhong’ was seated on one of the countertops, ‘park’ slipped in between his legs as they had a quiet conversation, eyes darting around occasionally as they talked.  ‘jen’ and ‘nana’ were watching the kitten walk around on the island, cooing every time it meowed, even when ‘jen’ had to stop and sneeze.  with his free hand, the unknown figure raised his fingers to his mouth and whistled loudly to catch their attention.  “it’s time to go back to base, target acquired.”  

the rest of the group gaped at him, their shock seeping out as they shot rapidfire questions at him.  their voices melded together, into ‘what’s’ and ‘what about our target?’ and ‘i thought we had a mission?’.  their leader nodded in response, gesturing to the figure slung over his shoulder.  “the job’s already done, target acquired as i said.”  he repeated smugly, tucking the dart gun back into the waistband of his pants as he spoke.  there was more clamoring and questions, but the one thing that stood out to the leader was the “aw, i wanted to shoot him!” accompanied with a pout, that came from ‘park’.  

they all glanced at the youngest member, and he just shrugged nonchalantly.  “what? i’ve never gotten to use it on a mission before.”  

“that’s because you’re the baby!” ‘zhong’ cooed as he pinched the youngest’s cheeks, laughing all the while.  

their leader gestured for them to follow him out of the room, the noise of ‘park’s retaliation following them.  “yah, i’m only two months younger than you, hyung!”  ‘zhong’ just laughed in response, curling up against his taller boyfriend as they walked.  despite his pout and clear disdain for being called the baby, ‘park’ wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled the elder closer.  

however, after laying mark in the back of their van and leaving the two maknaes to watch over him, they realized that their leader was not taking them to their main base.  “we’re going to the investigation station!” ‘nana’ cheered, as their leader turned down a familiar road that started the journey to the abandoned warehouse that they used for questioning.  

“you guys better not mess this up like last time.” their still unnamed leader spoke, barely glancing at them through the rearview mirror before his gaze was fixed back on the road, catching a glimpse of ‘zhong’ and ‘park’s faux innocent faces.  

“but hyung,” the second youngest whined, “it wasn’t all our fault last time! how were we supposed to know that those cans of spray paint still had paint in them?” ‘park’ nodded along, backing up his words.

their leader arched his brow at that, sceptically looking at the two in the mirror once more.  “oh so you guys just happened to spray paint on us and the target, but it’s not your fault at all, right?”

“he made us do it.” the maknaes pointed accusingly at ‘jen’ who looked offended, quickly sputtering out a reply in order to clear his name, but ‘nana’ cut in quickly with an accusing look focused on his boyfriend that quickly morphed to an innocent one as he threw ‘jen’ under the bus in order to lessen the impact it would have on the maknaes.  

“but jen, i swear i overheard you saying something about a bet and –” a soft slap echoed in the van, the culprit being ‘jen’s hand landing over ‘nana’s mouth, muffling the words that the other still tried to form.  the rest of the van’s occupants stared at him and ‘nana’ expectantly, but ‘jen’ just laughed nervously in response.  

after whispering something inaudible into ‘nana’s ear, ‘jen’ turned to face the rest.  “okay, so maybe i did something i shouldn’t have, but the past is the past, man! forgive and forget, you know?”  he did his best to plead with the others.  the only ones to give in were his boyfriends, one falling victim to his infamous puppy eyes and the other having been threatened into silence.  

soon enough, the van was filled with complaints, ‘jen’, ‘zhong’, and ‘park’ arguing amongst themselves while ‘jun’ and ‘nana’ mediated.  their leader just sighed in mild annoyance and moderate despair, sending up a quick prayer to whichever deity was willing to listen to him (he really wasn’t picky) to not give him strength, but to give him the patience it would take to endure the rest of the ride.  if one of the deities gave him strength…bad things would happen, and somebody would likely end up hurt. more than likely one of the maknaes, but that was besides the point.  he turned on the radio quietly, just loud enough that he could focus on it and not on the bickering in the back.  

if he hadn’t, he might’ve combusted on the spot and who knows what would have happened to the rest – he knew for sure that it would end in jail time for murder on his part, if they didn’t stop arguing.  that would be ironic, he thought, considering the fact that he was an assassin.  his thoughts trailed off into other careers that he might possibly be able to take up, that would allow him to never see the annoying group in the back ever again.  

he made a mental note to look when they went back to headquarters.  

[cami-chats]

Fanfic roundup, 2019!

In summary, WOW this was a busy fanfic writing year for me. According to AO3, I published 439,972 words this year (whaaaaaat). About 20k of that is from a years-crossing WIP, so the full word count isn’t accurate, but I feel like after I passed 300k mark, the 20,000 words stopped mattering as much (and I still don’t know how this happened). 

I’ve got at least one fic in the following fandoms: Avatar, Charmed, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, Marvel, Shadowhunters, Star Trek DS9, Supernatural, That 70′s Show, and Ultra Maniac. 

None of the fics are particularly long but there’s... a lot of them. So everything’s going to be listed by fandom with the pairing (if applicable), summary, and word count next to it under the cut

Avatar (2009)

I Choose You (10728 words) Tsu’tey/Jake Sully: The night after Jake becomes Omaticaya, he chooses Tsu'tey as a mate and somehow, Tsu'tey chooses him as well. With a little talking and waking up in a different situation, they're able to stop the destruction of Hometree.

Charmed (TV 1998) A Family Man (9744 words) Also Supernatural Fandom, Piper Halliwell/Dean Winchester: With the yellow-eyed demon dead, Dean retires from hunting. He doesn't expect for a routine set-up at his job one night to end with starting to date Piper, but he's not complaining. Cursed (3648 words) Wyatt Halliwell/Chris Halliwell: Bianca was sent to the past to retrieve Chris for Wyatt. Chris knew that as soon as he saw Wyatt again he wouldn't be able to say no to him, but he also knew that he couldn't outrun Bianca. The past is filled with shadows, but the present isn't much better. Your Pain Almost Destroyed You (1148 words) Wyatt Halliwell & Chris Halliwell: When Wyatt was a baby, Leo cast a spell on Piper to keep her from getting upset so that she wouldn’t fall apart. Almost twenty years later, Chris finds out that Wyatt isn’t exactly fulfilling the role everyone cast him in, and Wyatt casts that same spell on his brother.

Game of Thrones (TV) A Line Of Firsts (14086 words) Jon Snow/Sansa Stark: The firsts of Jon and Sansa's lives through their relationship, from getting together to getting it on outside, to having an anniversary. Boy On The Side (3113 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Jon thinks that things with Tormund are going really well, until one day he sees Tormund shopping with a woman and two kids that are obviously his. What Now? (1197 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Jon and Tormund are together, despite Jon's occasional stupidity. So with the war over, what does Jon do next? Hint: Tormund thinks it should be with him. After The Long Night (1777 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: When the dragon falls, dead, Jon's only thought is to find Tormund and make sure he's alright. It's An Age Thing (4565 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Tormund only meant to return Jon's book, he didn't mean to find out that his boyfriend was still in high school. Home to the North (653 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Jon is back at the Wall where he belongs: with Tormund and Ghost and the Free Folk-- but mostly with Tormund. After The Miracle (836 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Jon died but came back. Tormund knows that, but in his sleep-addled mind, he panicks at seeing Jon look the same way he did when dead. A 'Lord', A Lady, And Their Lovers (6608 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane, Sansa Stark/Margaery Tyrell: Jon and Sansa are strangers, now forced in an arranged marriage. Jon's in love with someone he couldn't marry even though he wanted to, and Sansa found herself falling for her best friend before she was married off.Aka Jon and Tormund are together and Jon getting married is fucking with their relationship. In an effort to fix that, Sansa and Margaery lie about being together so that Jon and Tormund can be happy. Bastard Of A Different Kind (4950 words) Jon Snow/Ned Stark: It is well known that Jon Snow, Lord Stark’s bedmate, is a Targaryen bastard. Lady Catelyn Stark hates him because Ned prefers him to her, but they’ve managed to live with it for years because they are stuck together for life. Everything changes when King Rhaegar and his siblings come for a visit to the north. White Russians And Hot Bartenders (1980 words) Arya Stark/Ygritte: Arya didn't mean to hook up with her favourite brother's best friend, but in her defense, she hadn't known who Ygritte was to him at the time. Your What? (3014 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Jon's home for the holidays, and he sort of forgot to tell his family who Tormund is. Left Behind (3779 words) Jon Snow/Robb Stark: When Robb left for King's Landing without a word, Jon felt like half of his heart was missing. Robb finally returns, expecting, for some reason, that Jon will be willing to pick up their relationship right where they left off. Abreast (644 words) Arya Stark/Ygritte: Arya keeps messing up in fencing club because she has a crush on Ygritte, the senior leading the club. Not Rock 'N Roll Good (4623 words) Arya Stark/Sandor Clegane: Sandor's life is monotonous but okay until he receives a text from the wrong number. He didn't think that telling someone their date stood them up and lied to them would result in a relationship, but he ends up pretty damn happy. Our Family (848 words) Jon Snow/Daenerys Targaryen: Daenerys burned people living, and sometimes that was hard to remember when she was smiling at Jon so sweetly as she shared news that obviously made her happy. It only made him feel trapped. First Choice (7223 words) Sandor Clegane/Sansa Stark: Trapped in King's Landing, Sansa is offered one choice about her life: who she wants to marry. Picking Ser Sandor Clegane was one of her best decisions. Married (2636 words) Jon Snow/Tormund Giantsbane: Jon had agreed to come to this wedding with Tormund pretending to be his husband. After he sees Arya there though, the situation gets a little complicated.

Harry Potter Not The First (847 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is inexplicably nervous about the ball. Fortunately, James knows him well enough to take care of it before it's a problem. Like Father Like Son (1435 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Harry's nervous about coming out to Sirius, but then he learns that there was nothing to be afraid of. Perfect Morning, Perfect Boyfriend (487 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Anniversary/Valentine's Day morning fluff for James and Sirius. When Is A Door Not A Door? When It's Exploded. (806 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Remus, Lily, James, and Sirius have to run from Death Eaters. None of them were hurt, but the war is starting to wear them down. Engaged, Said Facebook (691 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James and Sirius aren't together, which makes it all the more surprising when Euphemia calls to congratulate them on their engagement. SBDS Founder James Potter (3228 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James is Sirius's Number One fan, and everyone that interacts with him realizes it sooner or later. Write Yourself A Love Story-- And Make It Last (5476 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James and Sirius are ridiculously in love, but no one's life is absolutely perfect. There are good days, bad days, and blah days, but they always have each other and their friends. Healer's Bed (1043 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is doing some secret reading in the dormitory when James decides he wants some quality time. James and his "I love Sirius" rant (785 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius has been trying and failing to talk to James about a kink he has in mind, and James has had enough. What You Lose (2238 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: In the Shrieking Shack in Harry's third year, Sirius learns that James isn't dead, just in a coma. Now he has something other than revenge to live for. Leaving Me In The Dust (2198 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius decided to move out, and James does not like that. Not one bit. Tie Mix-Up (1431 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: It's the easiest thing in the world to sneak Sirius into the Gryffindor dormitory for a little bit of fun, but then they oversleep and have to rush off to class, still trying to tuck in their shirts. Just Come Home (3213 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius's boyfriend is abusive, and James can't understand why he stays with him. Proposing Is A Great First Date (2191 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: On the one hand, it seemed like a mistake to propose to Sirius when they weren't even dating. On the other hand, fuck you Moony this is a great idea. What A Ruin (2414 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James always dives into things too quickly, so after he does that with his new dance partner, he takes a step back before it gets too bad. Only now Sirius is upset with him and he doesn't know how to fix it. Typical Behaviour (749 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: It was pretty typical of James to wake up after a brutal attack that left him in critical condition that was so bad he had to be put in a medically induced coma, and immediately start getting on to Sirius for not taking care of himself. Win/Win (1787 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James has been planning his proposal to Sirius for a while. It was meant to be a surprise, but when he lets it slip a few days beforehand, he thinks the whole thing is ruined-- Sirius loves him far too much for that to be true. You're a virgin?? (3776 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James learns that Sirius is a virgin, and then he can't think of anything else. Not A Prize (2591 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James and Remus both fancy Sirius, and they agreed that neither of them could spend time alone with him until they got it sorted. For his part, Sirius has no bloody idea what's going on, except that his mates are avoiding him like he has dragon pox. The Creepy Professor (3209 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: The newest DADA professor likes Sirius in an entirely inappropriate way. James notices and tells him, but Sirius thinks he’s overreacting and ignores all the warning signs until the professor tries something. Not A Hair (1788 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius gets hurt in rehearsal, but he's too embarrassed to fess up to his friends, leading to Remus thinking that James is abusing him. Fix Your Mistakes (1169 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Instead of James running to stop Snape from seeing Remus as a werewolf, it's Sirius, who gets badly injured while doing so. Et Vous? (1036 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is French, and James quite likes that. Cold And Comfort (1144 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius runs away from home, but James doesn't know it's permanent at first. The Not-Yet Sirius Potter (518 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is bigger than James, and James is a romantic. Reading (892 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is dyslexic, and James does his best to be supportive when he finds out. Speak Now (1365 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: When James says the first, cliche'd line of a breakup, Sirius thinks he's being weird. Next thing he knows, James is telling him that he's about to marry someone else. Sniffles (1172 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James is sick. If Sirius weren't so much bigger than him, it would be easier to run away instead of taking care of himself. Hold Me And Let Me Cry (993 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James knew that Sirius's past had left lasting marks, but sometimes he forgot just how much that affected him. Deserve What You Get (2102 words) Sirius Black/Lily Evans, James Potter/Sirius Black/Lily Evans: Both Sirius and Lily want James, but they know that they’re not good enough for him. Some time together though... that’s not a bad idea. Home and Bloody (604 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is late getting back from a mission, and James worried about him. Breaking Out (1264 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James busts Sirius out of Azkaban, and they're not really careful about Sirius being in public. Why would they be? He was never officially charged with anything. The Little Things (4870 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius was miserable, but he was getting through it. James Potter showed up and decided that 'getting through it' wasn't good enough for Sirius despite the fact that they hadn't talked to each other. Too Cute (582 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is sloshed and he likes to talk about how great James is. Keep Calm. Failed Step One. (1330 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius sees a suspiciously shaped scar on the back of Harry's hand. He deals with it like a reasonable adult. Happy Birthday (741 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James and Sirius have a birthday party for their two year old son. So Happy Together (1687 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Everyone thinks James and Sirius are together. A stupid decision or two later, and they are. Through It All (5951 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: When Sirius gets Sorted in Slytherin, it changes his friendship with James. They're still friends, it's just... different. Not as certain, even if they end up in the right place. Absent (256 words) Lily once described muggle ghosts to Sirius. He didn't expect to be surrounded by them. The Potter's, Both Old And New (22050 words) WIP James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius helped raise Harry with James until they had a fight. Sirius hasn't seen them in years, but he's a teacher at Hogwarts, and Harry is now 11. With the constant danger Harry's in, and the likely return of Voldemort, they can't ignore their issues any longer. Snuggling (2082 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius feels like James is avoiding him, and Prongs (James's daemon) takes the initiative in fixing it. In his own way, of course. Post Prank Depression (2778 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: Sirius is depressed, and the Marauders don't really know what to do. Like and Subscribe (753 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: The Marauders are famous youtubers, and James and Sirius's fans ship them without realising they're already together. Absolute (768 words) James Potter/Sirius Black: James didn't understand how Sirius could constantly ignore his wishes to keep Padfoot off the couch, but talking about it one day made certain things come to light.

Marvel: Abomasum (299 words) Bruce Banner/Tony Stark: Deer Tony is trying to bond with his Brucie-bear partner. Bruce is somewhat disgusted by what goes on in Tony's body. Abominable (354 words) Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Tony and Bucky and Natasha came out about their relationship, so now Tony has to stop them from murdering the judgmental public. Resting Murder Face (6699 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Everyone knows that Bucky and Tony love each other....Except for Tony and Bucky. After watching them pine uselessly, the Avengers and Company do their best to get them together, even if the oblivious idiots make it more difficult than it needs to be. Aboral (473 words) Peter Parker/Tony Stark: Tony finds out that Peter lied to him (it all ends okay). Don't Waste Your Life (2338 words) Tony Stark/Ho Yinsen: Tony had sort of given up hope on meeting his soulmate. And then they met while being held captive by Ten Rings. They made it out miraculously alive, but now Tony's starting to notice that they don't kiss, and they're not really together. The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker--Only not the first and third ones (2231 words) Pepper Potts/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark: Pepper meets a gorgeous baker, now she just has to convince Tony to give a new relationship a try. Aboriginal (559 words) Tony Stark/Thor: Tony thinks that if Thor wants to see him in a pretty dress, there are easier ways than lying to him about wedding traditions on Asgard. In Your Camera Roll (3151 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Bucky was innocently working at home when a wrong text makes his night much more enjoyable. One For You Too (1447 words) Tony Stark & Avengers: Tony gives the okay for someone to make prototypes of Avengers themed sex toys, but he forgot to warn the team. They're more than a little surprised when they're opening the mail and see that. It Was The Soup (3428 words) Peter Parker/Tony Stark: Peter lies about being sick because he's out of suppressants, and he doesn't trust himself to be around Tony without purring and following him around like a puppy. Of course then Tony shows up at his apartment with soup and then Peter goes into a rut. Not Always 20/20 (1545 words) Tony Stark/Wanda Maximoff: Wanda thought she had finally found a home and a friend that wasn't related to her. She doesn't know what happened, but all of a sudden her life came crashing down.Now it's years later, and new information comes to light. Mail Order Bride (2834 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Tony knew as soon as he woke up that he'd done something stupid last night, but it would take a while for him to figure out just how bad it was. As far as mail order brides went though, Natalia was something of a god send. Around The Living Room (1418 words) Avengers/Avengers: The Avengers have a movie night, only more interesting than usual. (Just porn) A Cliche In Love (1745 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Natasha is a prostitute, and Tony mistakenly thinks that she doesn't really like him. My Baby's Got Me Locked Up In Chains (1061 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Winter has a kink that he wants to try, and Tony is 100% on board. Chatroom Meeting (1864 words) Tony Stark/J.A.R.V.I.S.: Jarvis only meant to make Tony feel better. He had no intention of catching feelings, much less a body. Abort (761 words) Wanda Maximoff/Natasha Romanoff: Wanda doesn't listen during a mission and she gets hurt. Natasha talks to her about it. Aborning (434 words) Pepper Potts/Natasha Romanoff: The death of Pepper's icy reputation, but she doesn't mind. Classroom Play (1033 words) Pepper Potts/Wanda Maximoff: Pepper and Wanda are trying out a little teacher/student roleplay. About-face (628 words) Pepper Potts/Natasha Romanoff: Natasha has been pining after Pepper for a while, and a well placed motivation spell finally gets her moving. Aboveboard (599 words) Matt Murdock/Tony Stark: A villain lets Daredevil hear Tony's thoughts during a fight. Unfortunately, Tony thinks about Matt's ass in that outfit a lot. Fit (1769 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: There were three things that weren't really secrets. 1. Tony was trans. 2. That bulge in Bucky's pants wasn't because of a sock. 3. Bucky and Tony were dating. Tense Date Night (1639 words) Bucky Barnes/Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes/Pepper Potts: Tony's wearing a remote controlled vibrator, and when Pepper finds out, she thinks that's hot as hell so she drags Bucky off to have some fun. Abreaction (538 words) Wanda Maximoff/Natasha Romanoff: Wanda's a bit of a coward, so she finds some courage in a truth spell. Always Friends (1203 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: In which Tony and Rhodey could have been together for thirty years if they learned how to have a conversation. The Man Inside The Armor (8023 words) Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark: It's obvious that James Rhodes is the one in the Iron Man armor, right? Steve and Bucky want to add Iron Man to their relationship, so instead of asking Iron Man directly they go to James so there's less confusion. Only now they're rejected, and Iron Man's mad at them. It's Like We're Living In Hell (409 words) Wanda Maximoff/Natasha Romanoff: The heater's broken, and Nat's stripped down to undies. Bringing You Down (309 words) Pepper Potts/Natasha Romanoff: Natasha has a stomach bug and is being Dramatic. Think Of Me Fondly (1544 words) Wanda Maximoff/Tony Stark: Wanda knew that Tony would miss her while she was helping rebuild Sokovia, so she left him a present to keep him company. Back Against The Wall (636 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Winter pins Tony to the wall and has some fun. Bucket List (1213 words) Clint Barton/Tony Stark: It’s on Clint’s bucket list to have sex with Tony Stark, and now that he’s on a superhero team with him, his chances of it actually happening have skyrocketed. A Love Like This (1762 words) Iron Man Armor/Tony Stark: It's pretty well known that Tony makes his best friends (DUM-E, Jarvis, Friday), but Mark LIV of the armor takes it to a whole new level. Making Me Yours (875 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: It was for the best, probably, that Tony was used to being on his knees so often. He'd gotten used to it before he was sent off to boarding school, working on one project or another, and he associated the ache in his knees with pride of a job well done. Unlikely Invitation (3433 words) Sharon Carter/Tony Stark, Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark: It was bad enough to be pining after two people, but it just got worse when Steve found out that they were dating each other. Inside The Mask (3060 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony has a secret identity, which doesn't work out super well when he likes Bucky (and Bucky likes him??) and villains have any number of weird powers that could expose him (and let him have a first kiss twice somehow). Spun Onto You (1616 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: Tony thought they only played spin the bottle in high school movies, but he's willing to let that go when Rhodey spins it right at him and he thinks that he's finally going to get to kiss him. Dataport (1003 words) Steve Rogers/Tony Stark: On Deep Space Nine, Steve saves Tony from a jail cell once again, except this time they achieved their goal. Just Another First Contact (1886 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony catches an alien disease-- which somehow is the least concerning part of the situation. Bucky wants to spend time with him, only Tony's trying to avoid him so desperately that he gets caught in a lie. Ability (28958 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony knows there's an issue in his company, now he just has to find it and fix it. Easier said than done. His boyfriend is down an arm and doesn't look happy to see him, his best friend is mad at him, and he doesn't know who to trust.He's had better years. I, Tony (10451 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: It was a secret from everyone that Tony was android. Including Tony. When he finally finds out, Howard is long since dead, he doesn't know what that stone inside him is, and he's pretty sure he won't be able to hold a relationship like this. The Sex Tapes (2293 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Bucky knows for a fact that Winter has never had sex-- and especially not with Tony-- so why, exactly, does he know what Tony looks like during sex? Vanilla And Lovin' It (1541 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Tony thinks that he’s old, and he wants to give Natasha a reason to stay with him. Somehow, him fucking it up isn’t even a bump in the road. Truth Is... I'm Not Iron Man (9642 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: The public doesn't know, but the team sure knows that Tony Stark is Iron Man. There are disagreements about getting him to admit it, and of course the biggest problem with that is, well, he isn't Iron Man. Rhodey's Iron Man, and it's a very specific kind of torture for Tony to see the man he's been in love with for most of his life to be in danger 24/7. If Wishes Were Horses (1814 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony's had an obvious crush on Bucky for a while, but it's taken to a whole new level when his imagination manifests a version of Bucky that's all over him. Hidden Winter (4027 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony thinks he has a pretty great life post-Iron Man. Riri's got everything nicely in hand, but he gets worried about Bucky. Bucky hates that he's keeping his Winter Soldier identity secret, but he thinks that he's in too deep to get out. I just wanted some candy (2747 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: Rhodey went to the store for candy, and somehow ended up going home with an abused omega and his kid in tow. The Kidnapper's Heart (12787 words) WIP Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Falling in love with one of your kidnappers was definitely a bad idea. Tony could probably blame it on his heat hormones at first, but then Winter goes and rescues him and Tony doesn't let him leave once they get home. Now he has a mate, his parents actually care about him, and he still needs to finish college. Seeing You Again (1667 words) Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanoff, Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Years after breaking up, Natasha tells Tony that they have a kid. He falls back in love with her and her current boyfriend Bucky, and they somehow end up together. Which Of Us Is The Devil? (4335 words) Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Bucky and Nat cross the line from teasing Tony about their sex life, to being entirely inappropriate. Having sex with him wasn't really an improvement on that, but here they were. Your Coffee, My Libido (1453 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony was definitely not going to thank Loki for swapping his and Bucky's powers, even if it resulted in them getting together. Hold Me Down (652 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Winter wants to try bondage, but Tony has some doubts. They compromise and have a good time. It Wasn't You (2752 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: A month and a half ago, Rhodey was kidnapped and replaced with a Skrull without anyone noticing. In that time, he and Tony got together. Now though, they know he's a Skrull, and Tony tries to figure out how to live with what's happened. Abridge (2255 words) Tony Stark/Johnny Storm: Johnny and Tony are in love, but Johnny doesn't quite realize that. Abroach (451 words) Darcy Lewis/Tony Stark: Darcy catches Tony trying to hang decorations dangerously high. Abroad (1073 words) Tony Stark/Wade Wilson: Tony had a way of showing up at the worst possible moments. Like, when his ex was in the middle of blowing up a building, for example. Abrogate (590 words) Bucky Barnes/Matt Murdock/Tony Stark: Tony thinks there should be a Superhero Holiday, but his partners aren't as into the idea as he is. It's all a blur last night (4498 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark/Clint Barton: Natasha is posing as a stripper, and it works best for everyone when Tony takes a definite interest in her. Clint shows up a while later, and Tony takes it in stride. Abrupt (465 words) Pietro Maximoff/Tony Stark: Getting coffee spilled on you may not be the BEST meet-cute, but Tony's had worse from people that weren't near as attractive. Abscess (295 words) Bruce Banner/Tony Stark: "How many times do I have to say that I'm not that kind of doctor? Honestly Tony, how do you not know better? You've got a doctorate, too." "Maybe-" he said, as if he hadn't gotten his doctorate literally a month ago "-but you took biochem and I didn't, so clearly you know more than me." In Bed (774 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Natasha is asexual, and the conversation with Tony could have happened a little sooner or been a little easier, but at least it happened. A Taste Of Heaven (1926 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony was doing work when Bucky came in, wanting some attention and fidgeting like there was no tomorrow. A Helping Hand (1045 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Winter's on what is basically a filler mission, and he helps the random guy that just escaped a kidnapping. Time to take a shot (1410 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: When Nat's undercover, she doesn't end up as Tony's assistant, but she still catches his attention. At a party. And Tony's offering to show her the Iron Man armor up close, how could she say no? The Red-Head Harem (792 words) Bethany Cabe/Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark, Gamora/Tony Stark, Wanda Maximoff/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts: Tony and all his red-headed girlfriends get along quite nicely. Breakfast fluff and teasing are commonplace. The Lost Twin (1023 words) Wanda Maximoff/Tony Stark: Wanda gets shunted back in time for a little bit and learns that Tony has a twin sister she's never heard about. Turns out there's a reason for that. In Love With Wolves (655 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Natasha gets turned into a wolf, and Tony still thinks she's the best. Both literal and figurative fluff ensue. Field Of Study (3035 words) Bruce Banner/Tony Stark: Bruce is the Hulk, and Tony thought he was keeping a different anger-related issue secret. They break up but get back together when Tony learns the truth. Beside And Below You (602 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Tony gave Winter a necklace, and he's a little confused as to why Winter isn't wearing it when he comes to his room that night. Hot Summer Day (521 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Nat wanted to come to the fair, but it's hot outside. Three Loves Of Life (873 words) Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanoff: Tony knew from a young age that coffee was the love of his life. Now he has expanded that list to include the two hot baristas at his favorite coffee shop. Younger but just as in love (826 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: Tony gets de-aged, and they're all unreasonably surprised that the best way to keep him in control is to bring in Rhodey. About A Little Boy That Lived In A Blue World (11537 words) WIP, Tony Stark/Loki: The Frost Giants are willing to sign a treaty with the Asgardians, if there's a little marriage with them to solidify it. How Tony got dragged into that when he's just a human, he'll never know. His husband is attractive though. So that's a plus. It Began Like This (406 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: Tony thinks their relationship started the first time he kissed Jim. Jim thinks their relationship started the first time they kissed and kept kissing. Your Heart/My Heart (3881 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: When they're young, James and Tony break up for basically no reason. It takes them twenty years to get back together. Abscise (1157 words) Sharon Carter/Tony Stark: Tony and Sharon have been together a while, but being a top-secret spy doesn't let her have much time at home. Of course one day she shows up with Steve in tow and Shield after them, so like, maybe not Tony's biggest problem. Pictures Of You (2085 words) Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: When Tony loses his memories and sees suspicious pictures in his room, he assumes the worst and tries to leave Avengers Tower. An Expectation (4655 words) Matt Murdock/Tony Stark, Matt Murdock/Tony Stark/Foggy Nelson: Foggy drops by Matt's apartment one day to find Tony Stark leaving. As if his crush on Matt wasn't hopeless enough. I've Been Drinking (2249 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony can't remember last night at all, and he can't even blame it on Avengers business. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is (2715 words) Tony Stark/Natasha Romanoff: Tony wakes up in Vegas with a hangover and a wedding ring on his finger. He was going to embrace the cliche and make the most of this. Better Than A Ferrari (1384 words) Clint Barton/Tony Stark: Clint often had bad ideas, but they usually didn't include asking Tony to down a lethal amount of caffeine. Fortunately, Nat's only a phone call away to give him more good advice than he bargained for. Stay At My Side (4417 words) Gamora/Tony Stark: Tony gets picked up by the Guardians after an expedition gone wrong and becomes an honorary member. He likes not having to think about the Avengers breaking up, but when Thanos goes to Earth to get the Infinity Stones that are kept there, he doesn't have much choice. Lovin' Me Good (5199 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Bucky loves Natasha Stark so much he forgets that people have shit ideas about her. Chance Encounter (2196 words) Giuletta Nefaria/Tony Stark: When a villain pulls Giuletta into their universe hoping for help, Tony is quick to follow. This universe's Avengers don't really know what to do with them. Iron Man in a relationship with Tony Stark? Yep. (1736 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: James Rhodes is Iron Man. It makes the secret identity less confusing, and if you asked Tony, he'd say that Jim was better at it anyways. Abscond (453 words) Gamora/Tony Stark: Somehow Gamora ends up pregnant. No one will be more surprised than she is. I Always Have You (3932 words) Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark: From Tony's first day on the earth, he had a soulmate looking after him. Not everyone wanted Bucky to be that close with him, but they manage. Abseil (479 words) Wanda Maximoff/Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: The team goes to a rock climbing wall, and Tony hates that he promised his girlfriends that he'd go through with it. Absinthe (1395 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony lives, and Bucky gets reborn again and again and again. Tony always finds him. If someone were to give it a label, it would probably be soulmates. Myshka (3767 words) Tony Stark/Natasha Romanoff: Soulmarks are the nicknames your soulmate will call you. Tony has some Russian petnames and guesses wrong the first time, but Natasha’s just happy that Tony asked her on a date, even if he went on one with Bucky first. Business Time (1050 words) Tony Stark/Winter Soldier: Tony promised Pepper that he would stop having sex in his office, but that was before Winter had an idea. Identify Yourself (773 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: All Bucky wanted to do was see his boyfriend after a week long mission. He didn’t want to deal with this random ass person in their kitchen that apparently was Tony’s brother. Not the fun kind of handcuffs (500 words) Kate gets kidnapped by a bunch of amateurs. More embarrassing for them than her, thank god. Here In Your Arms (1702 words) Tony Stark/James Rhodes: Jim goes to the past specifically to save Tony, but he finds himself stealing a kiss or two while he's at it. It's called SOUR cream (481 words) Natasha Romanoff/Tony Stark: Tony thinks Natasha's latkes gave him food poisoning, she thinks it's the sour cream he put on it, and Strange just wants to undo a curse. The Last Candles (510 words) Steve Rogers/Tony Stark: Tony forgot candles, and he finally finds some. There's one little problem: someone else is trying to buy them too. The Meaning Of Chanukkah (353 words) Sam had thought it was a pretty innocent question to ask what Chanukkah was about. He was wrong. Dreidel Cheater (206 words) Kate Bishop & Clint Barton: Clint cheats at dreidel and denies it. Gasp, The Latkes! (389 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: The team gets Bucky latke themed shirts to wear for Channuka. Stop Stealing My Latkes (406 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Bucky doesn't think it's weird that Tony's keeping him company in the kitchen until he notices most of the latkes missing. BYOC (1003 words) Wanda Maximoff/Tony Stark: When Tony forgets to bring a channukiah to a channukiah party, Wanda offers to let him share. No Shirt, No Pants (628 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark: Tony dropping sufganiyot jelly on his shirt ended with Bucky inviting him to his room, so... good Hanukkah party? Operation Metalwork (897 words) Bucky Barnes/Tony Stark:  From Bucky: The plan is WORKING From Natasha: DETAILS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN From Clint: DISH DISH DISH From Bucky: Tony told me that I had to stop growing a beard  From Natasha: What the fuck Barnes I got all excited 

Shadowhunters: Abound (339 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Clary supports Izzy at a party. Above (289 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Isabelle is taller than Clary, and then she puts on heels. Aboveground (425 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Clary and Isabelle come out to the Lightwood parents, and it doesn't go well. Ab ovo (1122 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: In Pandemonium, Clary catches sight of Isabelle and thinks she's the most gorgeous person ever. That crush sticks around through demons and getting her mother back. Abracadabra (1006 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Clary is a warlock, and Isabelle is a Shadowhunter-- that doesn't stop Clary from falling for her. Abrade (462 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Izzy's recovering from the vampire addiction forced on her. Alec and Clary are both there for her. Ditched (390 words) Clary Fray/Maia Roberts: Maia and Clary's friends ditch them during a night out, so Maia opts to go home with Clary. Poison =/= Love (329 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: It's an expected disaster when Izzy tries to cook. Told You So (413 words) Clary Fray/Maia Roberts: Clary and Maia get together after a surprise demon attack. Mistaken Mother (302 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Clary's glad to find out that this beautiful woman is Max's sister, not mother. Dragged To Hell Kicking And Screaming (477 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Clary's annoyed that their date got interrupted, and Izzy just wants the attention back on her. A Smoothie And A Kid (337 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Clary walks in with a smoothie in one hand, and a goat in the other. Secrets Told (4988 words) Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland: Jace makes a deal with a demon to help Clary find her mother, but it was just a truth for a truth, what was the worst that could happen? Chicken Wings (356 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Izzy's costume creation didn't look like she imagined it would. So Pretty (100 words) Clary Fray/Isabelle Lightwood: Isabelle's singing and braiding Clary's hair. Under A Spell (3387 words) Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland: Alec and Jace are together. So why the hell is Jace flirting with Clary and ignoring Alec completely?

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine:

About (290 words) Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys: Jadzia tries to convince Nerys to go on a double date.

That 70′s Show:  Girls Girls Girls Night (1135 words) Jackie Burkhart/Donna Pinciotti: Jackie goes to a strip club after a rough day, and stumbles upon the most gorgeous woman in the world. Well, maybe second, after herself of course.

Ultra Maniac: Pictures Of You (Pictures Of Me) (947 words) Sakura Nina/Tateishi Ayu: Ayu has a crush on Nina the size of America, so when Yuta gives her a magic camera, it's the perfect opportunity to see if Nina feels the same way.

[gplusbfics]

15 Awesome Garashir WIPs: Right Here, Right Now

It seems like a great time for Garashir fics over on AO3 -- just a ton of multi-part works-in-progress. Some of them started a long, long time ago and are still being updated regularly, while others are new and being posted daily. It’s almost hard to keep up!

So for those of you who maybe missed these... or need recs... or need reading materials over the holidays or college break... here you go:

Cruel Are the Times by StoplightDelight Pre-Canon story with Julian in Starfleet Medical Academy terrified when some augments get in the spotlight and he’s worried about his own secret. Posted so far:  5/?

Defiance Through Tenderness by StarTravel Story collection of Garak/Bashir, with most of of them following their time together on the Defiant. Angst plus feels plus fluff. There are also several short fics bundled in with the Defiant ones. Posted so far: 12 stores of ?

DS9: Sub-Prime by Dark_Sinestra A whole collection of great Garashir fics -- a saga -- originally posted started in 2009 on LiveJournal. I had read some of Dark_Sinestra’s work on LJ, digging around, but it’s very difficult to find everything. These are great!  Follows series Canon pretty much from the beginning, but with lots of “behind the scenes” action with Garak and Julian. Canon-compliant. Posted so far: 24 stories so far... and it’s only up to Season 5. 

Especially the Lies by AlphaCygni The author of “Proof” and “These Lifeless Things” is offering something lighter, but still brilliant. At this point I am just like, “Come on, boys!” Posted so far: 5/7.

The Human Way by Kellec Unlike most (any?) of these, this is actually a light fic, with Garak and Bashir attempting to play matchmakers between Ziyal and Jake. Posted so far: 5/?.

The Incarceration of Elim Garak by zaan I can’t think of another fic solely devoted to Garak’s 6 months in DS9′s holding cell. Posted so far: 14/16.

i will learn (to love the skies I'm under) by Cân Cennau and Solovei Total AU set in what seems like a fantasy novel setting, with kingdoms instead of planets. Julian is offered up to House Tain in a marriage of convenience and  politics to one Elim Garak. Things get complicated. And interesting! I’m also assured there will be smut coming up.17/27.

Love in a Time of Oppression by apolesen Pre-Canon Garak/Parmak love and angst. This one is tearing me up. Warning: societal homophobia and related violence and suppression. Posted so far: 6/13.

A Man Apart by Alexandria Allen Extraordinary fic involving a fascinating OC, with a lot of Julian and some very nice AU, canon-divergent stuff. I am pretty much the only person commenting on this and there are only 9 kudos. Come on, people!  Posted so far: 34/45. (And it’s nearly 200,000 already.)

Maybe We Are Sinners by prettybrilliantfunny Another story collection, prompted Garashir stories that are not related to one another but very enjoyable. Posted so far: 16/31. (It was planned as a daily for October and I think it’s done/on hiatus but not sure, so counting it as a WIP.)

Safe Ones, Vanquished Ones by ssorrell Angst-filled, suspenseful (how’s it going to turn out?!) post-Canon AU involving Julian, Ezri, Garak and Parmak. I still how have idea where this is going to land. Posted so far: 14/18.

Ties and Wires and Trial and Error by The Nox-Zi Consortium (2 authors) I’ll be honest and say I still haven’t even made it through Ties and Wires because by golly, these are extremely long (first one over 300,000 words) and most chapters are epic! But some very, very interesting OC characters and lots of ties-ins to Canon, though AU for sure. Bonus: Gender-queer character (best I can term it, they’re still figuring it out and I don’t want to spoil stuff).

In Times of War by Bluemeany I had a little bit to do with the inception of this fic, but OMG, what Bluemeany has done with it! Basic premise: It’s 20 years after Canon and suddenly Starfleet is motivated to get rid of anyone involved in the events of “In the Pale Moonlight.” So basically Bashir and Garak have targets on their backs. Also: Bashir has been living on Cardassia for years (minus involvement with Garak) and is jaded as f*ck, playing Garak to a Cardassian Julian OO Agent. Posted so far: 10/12. (I think there is a second story coming after this.)

The Viewless Winds by StoplightDelight Because I’m a bad person (jk) I kept checking this fic just to see when Garak and Worf showing up at Internment Camp 371... but as things have progressed I’ve stopped just “scanning” and slowed down. Holy moly, this is great storytelling, with great care and thought put into the details of the camp, plus a lot of medicine and anatomy (there are footnotes). This fic is enormous (370,000 plus words) and still growing, could be a million words if the canon part gets written too! Posted so far: 67/?

What We May Be by Ameera and NoOneKnowsIWriteThis Epic age-swap Garashir with Bashir a middle-aged, divorced doctor and Garak a young OO agent, posing on DS9 as a tailor. So far it seems that the story is going to run from beginning to end of the show. Posted so far: 48/?.

OK, people, now you have like 2,000,000 words (no, I didn’t count) of Garashir to read, if you haven’t.  Start with whichever one sounds best to you.

Wendy