#pretty much any medical procedure is scary to me

[marigoidz]

New poll since my current one's about to end

By scary procedure I mean one that would be scary to you personally, for whatever reason

[ice-block]

Idk if anyone is interested but I thought I’d put it out there because the other day I was talking w my therapist and she said when people have a negative experience with something they’re WAY more likely to tell everyone they know and when they have a good or neutral experience they don’t think much of it SO I’d like to put something positive out there for anyone who might be in the position I was in.

So anyway here’s my experience getting my first pap smear, as someone with an INSANE amount of anxiety about it:

I try to keep some less than pleasant personal stuff off this blog but I’ve got a decently sized medical phobia, general mistrust of gynecology after reading too many horror stories, and some weirdness about gender/sexuality/body (???) I don’t entirely understand myself. I also understand that maintaining personal health is important even if it’s scary so when my doctor told me it was time to make an appointment with a gynecologist, I did it, then spent the next 3 weeks having nightmares, anxiety attacks, and experiencing a general sense of impending doom as the appointment approached.

Things my therapist and I talked about before hand included:

1.) save your stress for the future, if it goes good, great! If it goes poorly, you’re allowed to be stressed then . Don’t make yourself suffer unless you need to.

2.) know what accommodations you want and be prepared to ask for them confidently and clearly. I wanted the smallest speculum, a warning BEFORE any and all touching, and to be able to stop at any moment.

The appointment eventually did arrive and while I was still a ball of nerves I got myself there and obediently went through the steps of registering as a patient and remaining sane in the waiting room, I was called to the back (if you have a support person you want to bring with you you can but I went alone) and chatted with the nurse about health history etc, this pretty much resembled your standard doctors appointment, they take your heart rate, BP, etc. the nurse wrapped up and told me the doctor would be in in a minute, I should undress from the waist down, and showed me a cloth (which was basically a really big napkin) I could cover my lap with. I definitely went pale at this and if my high blood pressure didn’t tip her off she definitely knew I was internally freaking out. She offered to have the doctor come in first if that would make me more comfortable and I declined.

I was left alone to undress, it feels really weird to take off your pants in an office with fluorescent lighting, after a minute the doctor knocked then came in (there’s also a curtain in front of the door so nobody walking past can just see you pants-less) she was a very kind woman who asked me some questions about it being my first time, at this point I was prepared to say my demands but I was very shocked when she beat me to it! She outright offered the smallest speculum and said “I’m going to show you the tools, we’ll talk through the procedure, and we’ll decide if a Pap smear is something we want to do today” which made me instantly feel so much better. My other surprise was how SMALL the smallest speculum was! It was about the size of my pointer finger. If it had been larger I honestly don’t know if I could have done the procedure but once I realized it was tiny I knew it’d be ok. (Also side note: it feels really weird to talk with someone while pants-less and holding a big napkin over your crotch)

I was instructed to lay on the exam table, which was really low to the ground when I got on it then raised up like a dentists chair, the little foot holds popped out from underneath it and I was instructed to put my feet in the holds and scoot all the way to the edge, I kept looking at the doctor through this and was told that during the exam I would have to look up at the ceiling. She warned me before even the slightest touch (“I’m going to put my hand on your thigh now”) asked if I was ready, when I said yes she inserted the speculum, which felt weird but not painful, it didn’t even feel painful when it opened. Just strange. Then the doctor took a cell scraping which felt REALLY weird for a part of the body not used to that sensation at all. It felt scratchy and then for a brief second their was a bit of pain (I’d rate like a 3 out of 10) and I thought “if this lasts any longer I can’t do this” but it was really only a split second and the worst moment was also the end. The speculum was quickly removed making the Pap smear a total of like 30 seconds max. Then the doctor told me she would check my uterus and ovaries and (still maintaining consent and giving warning) inserted a finger and pressed with her other hand hard on my stomach, this didn’t hurt either and the pressure/rubbing on my stomach made it so I wasn’t thinking about her other hand at all! Then I was allowed to sit up again, close my legs, the doctor asked if I had any questions and I was out of there!

Anyway hopefully this can help someone out there I tried to include all the details I had wanted while doing frantic research before hand, if you’re in the same boat, you can do this!

[asoftgoth]

I hope these aren't intrusive to ask, but when it comes to your recent hip growth...

A. It's so cute, first of all

B. Do you believe they're growing solely because of HRT, or because of HRT plus you're specifically eating enough to continue gaining during your transition?

And when it comes to your transition in general, if you happen to plan to undergo any sort of gender confirmation surgery, have you already looked into qualifications/patient criteria? I'm not asking because I want to pry about you but because I think my egg is cracking but I'm already about the same size as you and I'm worried that if I even try transitioning, eventually I'll hit a road block at which point if I want to get any relevant surgery, they won't consider me viable unless I lose a lot of weight.

Again, I'm so sorry if this isn't stuff you're comfortable talking about, in which case please don't feel obligated to reply to this at all. I hope you're doing well!

Hey there :) First off im happy to answer pretty much any transition related questions. These are really invasive though and I appreciate you acknowledging that. For everyone that will read this, please don’t expect every trans person you speak with to be willing to open up like this. But with that said here we go:

A: Lol thank you 🥰💕

B: Its such an exciting and scary part of someone’s life when their egg is starting to crack. I remember those days well and I feel for you. But trust me, it gets so much better 💕 And about your questions, my hip growth is because of HRT mainly, and the fact that I have an overall decent diet. That’s pretty much it. And the diet aspect is important, when you transition your body is undergoing a massive transformation and it needs energy to help it along. My actual diet is for another post maybe, (it’s not anything special tho) but I’m not “actively gaining” and haven’t been since I started HRT, believe it or not! It might surprise some people but I’ve actually lost weight even though I’ve added about 3 inches to my hips since starting almost 9 months ago. Almost all of the weight I’ve lost (about 40lbs) has been from muscle loss throught my body. Plus I’ve also lost a ton of visceral fat from my waist(yay), and gained lots of subcutaneous fat in my ass and thighs (also yay). That’s not to mention my chest which is *really* growing a ton, and fast too. I’d say im really lucky with how my proportions are filling out, but it’s a long process and im extremely grateful. Transitioning definitely isn’t over night tho and as much as this sucks, it’s a genetic roll of the dice for what your proportions will look like. Transitioning takes a lot of bravery, and I don’t say that lightly.

With all that said, yes I do have some surgeries in mind that I want and plan on getting in the next few years. I don’t want bottom surgery, but if I did then my size would be an issue. There are strict BMI limitations for getting a vaginoplasty. It fucking sucks but that’s just the reality of things in 2023. Simpler surgeries like getting an orchi don’t have those requirements and that’s one thing I plan on getting fairly soon. Another one is FFS. I’ve actually talked with a few surgeons already who do FFS and some have BMI requirements and others don’t. The ones that don’t unfortunately may cost a bit more from what I’ve seen. (But they do have more experience too). For implants and things like that, I don’t know, I haven’t researched boob jobs specifically but I can’t imagine BMI would be an issue there. I know it isn’t for fat injections in your butt/hips.

One last thing too that I wanna make clear, because a lot of people might read this. You don’t have to actually take any medicine or have any procedures done to be transgender 💕 Medically transitioning is something that helps so many of us and is absolutely necessary for (I would say) most trans people, (it 100% saved my life, I wouldn’t be here without it). But not all, and it doesn’t define your transness whether or not you’ve taken ~this~ medicine or had ~that~ surgery. I was just as much a woman as I am now for the year before I started HRT when I knew I was trans. And I was just as much a girl when I was born. I’ve been a woman all my life, it just took a little while for me to figure myself out haha. Just trust your gut and make healthy decisions. I put off the whole “deliberately gaining” thing while my body is going through all this change. And I personally feel like im better off for it. However I’m working out and eating to help grow my lower half, so I guess you could say my gaining journey isn’t over, it’s just changed. But anyway, I hope this helps you and anyone who reads this, sorry it was so long lol. If you have any other questions don’t hesitate to ask, and my inbox is always open too 🖤

[anamericangirl]

I remember seeing this post about a design for a transsexual flag. I thought the new stripe meanings were a good idea, and I wanted to ask if you could choose, you would prefer people using this flag instead of the other trans flag, since that one has some negative implications nowadays since it’s attached to the transgender movement.

https://www.tumblr.com/theconstitutionisgayculture/719699006978129920

Also, I have additional questions since I find this viewpoint extremely interesting:

I don’t know much about trans terms, but I thought transsexual was supposed to be a derogatory term for the group, or was it just a regular term/original name before getting replaced with transgender?

Would you have less beef with the whole “community” if they didn’t say that some procedures/side effects are reversible, were less aggressive about society affirming them, didn’t involve children/minors, or didn’t see surgeries, like phalloplasty, as a good idea (I find the idea extremely scary, but that might also partly be my fear of surgical procedures)? I’ve also seen Blaire White listed in both the link and the answered ask I saw from you (I’d have to look for the link but don’t want to make this any longer), the former saying that she accepts that even though she isn’t biologically a woman, she still enjoys living as the opposite sex and feels secure in her transition, so I’m assuming that she’s a positive example?

I’ve seen some reblogs about how top surgeries can also be harmful, and I can understand why since most surgeries will be very difficult to live with afterwards, but in what ways is it more risky than beneficial, and what is something you think would be a better alternative, if there is one?

Why do you think that there isn’t any medication for true gender dysphoria yet? One of the things I’ve read actually made me think about that. If it’s considered a mental illness, then why isn’t there any evident research for creating a medication for it?

Other than that, hope you’re doing well so far

Personally, I'm kind of over the idea of pride flags in general. But if people want a transexual flag then that one seems like a nicer idea to me and isn't so divisive.

1.I honestly don't know what terms are supposed to be derogatory or offensive anymore lol. They change so fast and no one in the community even agrees so I really don't know. If I remember correctly it wasn't that long ago that it was used pretty regularly so I'm sure it's offensive™ now but I wouldn't know why.

2. Yeah, I'd have essentially no problem with them at all if they didn't spread disinformation, aggressively go after people for not agreeing with them and prey on children. Those are really my only issues with them. I might not personally agree with their ideology and think they make some bad decisions but I wouldn’t be actively against them as a community if they didn't use their transness as an excuse to censor people, lie, and target children. But I absolutely would consider Blaire White a rare positive example. Even if Blaire didn't acknowledge the reality of being a biological male and knows that no matter the amount of procedures or treatments her gender can't be changed that's not necessary to just be a decent person. Which Blaire White is.

3. I think top surgery is more risky than beneficial because it comes with a physical health risks. It's a major surgery and the only benefit of getting it in the context of a sex change is that it makes you feel more like the gender you want to be. It doesn't have benefits on its own merit. So on one hand it's a major surgery that is irreversible and is a drastic change to the body that comes with possible physical health risks but on the other it might give you some superficial peace of mind. And that's why it should only be an option for adults.

4. That's a good question and honestly there's a lot of reasons I think could contribute to that. First, mental illnesses are hard to treat and often a medication doesn't do much other than alleviate symptoms. Therapy is probably the best option for any type of dysphoria in my opinion because dysphoria can go away and most of the time does if you actually seek therapy and treatment rather than "affirmation." I've seen studies done on detransitioners and the main reason given as to why they detransitioned was they realized their dysphoria was related to "other issues" which is something people typically find out in therapy. Another reason I think there's not much headway in a medication for gender dysphoria is financial incentive. Medical and gender affirming institutions get a big check for every one child who transitions and they're more interested in making money than anything else. It's not healthcare at this point. It's just activism.

[mass-convergence]

Long post on me ruminating about my top surgery and how on board my folks are, including the revelation that my family might be a bit more transphobic than they want to believe, below the cut.

I know the constant questions I get from a family member when I tell them about getting top surgery - a not entirely risk free but still fairly safe operation - can come from a place of concern. Especially since said person does work in healthcare and it’s normal to be like curious as to “hey I just wanted to make sure you did your research because I do, in fact, know the risks”.

But when I then proceed to write out the answers, including:

“the appt I have is a consult, not the actual surgery, this is me doing my research on this doctor and making sure he’s a good fit”

“Said doctor is affiliated with a hospital and not only that but said hospital is like highly ranked”

“Multiple people have gotten top surgery with this group” (maybe not with the doctor specifically - which is why I’m still not 100% committed to the guy which is a good thing and shows that I am indeed putting thought into this)

“Top surgery carries risks as does literally any other medical procedure that includes putting someone under general anesthesia and cutting into them. These risks are not as high as other operations though and can be mitigated with proper care … which is why I’ve done my research on the hospital and the plastic surgery group”

“Constantly binding my chest may actually fuck it up a lot more than just chopping my tits off. Even if I’m pretty careful with binding.”

When I explain all that and reiterate again that this is literally a consult, not the surgery, and yes my employer should indeed allow me to cover at least the surgery and recovery period with sick leave. And my insurance should cover at least a part of this because they’re mandated to do so (I don’t care if working for the federal gov’t makes me a narc or whatever - they do have some decent ass protections for employees).

Like … I said that and then I just got silence as a response. As if “fine you’ve made up your mind but I don’t have to agree with it so I’ll just drop it.”

I get that for a cis person who has known their family member all their life as like the gender they were assigned at birth seemingly suddenly deciding to go through a radical alteration of their physical form can be jarring and maybe a little scary. I also know that I’ve had a history of kind of making major life decisions and not telling my family about it (partially because every time I make a decision I’m constantly questioned as if I make choices without actually thinking things through). Like me dropping out of grad school? Probably could have clued my folks in about how much I was mentally struggling and that I was thinking about it long before I decided to basically say “nah” to finishing. That was a mistake. I’m not great at communicating.

But anyway.

This could come out of a place of concern but honestly? I think my family’s fine with the concept of me being trans without me actually being trans. Like “sure we support you cutting your hair (not really - parents not happy I have short hair actually lol)” and “we support you wearing clothes that don’t entirely fit with your assigned gender (… again … not really tbh)”

But apparently getting a not entirely minor but not entirely major either procedure to like make myself feel better in my own goddamn skin is a bridge too far.

I think my family may be low key transphobic. 🫠

Thanks for listening to me hash that out for however long this post is

[honeysuckle-venom]

Warnings for: discussion of dieting/intentional weight loss, medical issues, eating disorders, and related topics

Here's the thing. On a general level, I don't believe in dieting. I think it's bad for you, the science shows it almost never works, it makes people miserable, it usually comes from an unhealthy place, and it encourages unhealthy behaviors. And. At the same time. I have a rare disease that could potentially have very dangerous complications if untreated/if it progresses, and it seems to be progressing. And genuine research has shown a significant correlation between developing hepatic adenomas/having more adenomas/having more growth in your adenomas and "obesity." Now, there are links between lots of things and "obesity" and often not nearly enough research is done into WHY and whether any correlations actually have anything to do with causality. And I don't fully know why obesity and hepatic adenomas are correlated, I have to talk to my hepatologist about it, though from what my dad found in his research he suspects it's a combination of adipose tissue producing more estrogen and potentially other metabolic effects (more research/answers are needed there). If someone says "being fat makes you unhealthy in x way" I always want to know the underlying mechanisms there, because it's never that simple. But the point is that it does look like, in this case, hepatic adenomas and obesity are at the very least significantly correlated.

There are not a lot of treatment options for hepatic adenomas. The first step is always going off any hormonal birth control, which I did a year ago. If things shrink, great, you can keep monitoring and hope that things stay shrinking or at least stable and probably leave it at that. If, however, things continue to grow, well that becomes concerning, because the larger the tumors are the more risk there is of them rupturing or becoming cancerous. If your tumors are larger than 5cm, like mine, and not shrinking or goodness forbid growing then just continuing to monitor may not be a safe long term solution. So you'll have to look at other treatment options, none of which are great.

The next step in trying to get them to shrink after stopping birth control is almost always weight loss. Because the only other options are a) transarterial embolization (a very gross procedure I looked up that I'm terrified of having to do in which blood flow is cut off from the tumors), b) ablation (which isn't recommended for tumors larger than 3cm which mine are), c) liver resection (which I'm pretty sure I'm not a candidate for because I have too many large tumors in too many places, and anyway is a very scary and risky surgery with months of recovery) and finally d) liver transplant (an ever scarier and riskier surgery with significant risks of mortality). And as much as I don't believe in or want to diet, the other options are worse.

Which means that it is very likely that in a few weeks, when my therapist gets back from vacation, I will be seriously attempting to lose weight for the first time since I was an anorexic teenager. And I don't want to, I so don't want to, but I suspect it's going to be the best choice out of a group of bad ones. But I'm so scared. I'm already having crazy relapse thoughts, I'm already struggling with horrible OCD food research spirals and calorie counting and thinking about food for hours and hours and hours each day. And it sucks. My hope is that it will actually get slightly better if I genuinely try to lose weight with my therapist and use a detailed meal plan, because then it will at least be set in stone and not just me panicking indecisively about everything. It'll be predetermined in therapy, so I won't have to spend hours thinking about it on my own. But I don't know, it still feels very risky for my mental health. I know how easy it is for me to obsessively count and calculate everything and how much that sucks and how much I hate it even as I can't stop myself. And I'm just. I'm just so stressed about the whole thing. Also like, it almost feels like it would be a slight betrayal of my values, because I really don't believe in dieting and I hate diet culture and love the anti-diet and fat acceptance movements. But at the same time I wouldn't be doing it to look better or whatever, I'd be doing it with the very specific goal of hopefully shrinking my tumors. And if I do go down this path and it turns out that the main reason obesity and hepatic adenomas are correlated is indeed higher estrogen in fatty tissue I'm going to talk to my doctors about monitoring my estrogen levels, so that I'm looking at the underlying cause and trying to focus on that number instead of just the number on the scale. But idk. This whole thing just. It just sucks and it's scary and I'm in awful OCD hell and I really wish my therapist wasn't away for the next week and a half.

[bengiyo]

The Warp Effect Ep 9 Stray Thoughts

Last time, we solved the current issues for Army and Kat. Kat teased a relationship with Jean, and now I need it. Kat also made me think about I May Destroy You all week, so there's that, too. Army and Joe learned how to be intimate in a way both could enjoy with Alex's help (clearly the most comfortable straight man). Kim is pregnant, but it seems like she doesn't want to keep it; Ice is excited to become a dad. Also, Nim and Bew broke up because Bew is going to America and is jealous of Mollie.

We're jumping right in to Jedi and Rose, who seem good about checking in when they go out. Unfortunately for Rose, Jedi clearly has an STD he's been avoiding dealing with.

Kinda interesting that the image for Jedi and Rose was witnessed by Alex, whereas in the others it feels like some other camera captured the image.

Oh, I do like Army leading with their HIV status. If Jedi is out there being unsafe, there's many debilitating things he could pick up and give to Rose. She has every right to be furious with him.

Due to the supernatural, I'll forgive this not-doctor and actual doctor disclosing patient information to others.

See-ew is wearing a Space Force shirt.

I don't think I had considered much which doctors trans women would visit about their sexual health depending on what paths they chose to pursue for gender confirmation.

Nim is pregnant, and Army's desire to be involved is giving me Queer as Folk vibes.

Okay, the excited little gay wiggle Fluke Pusit did for Army's mirth about becoming a father was good. He's talented, and treating this character seriously.

Good of Alex to cap off that conversation by reminding Nim that it's her choice and all of the men present support her. Alex is intriguing as a character, because he's still basically 18.

Very uncomfortable about pregnant Kim having alcohol and hanging out around smokers.

Chaladee and Phuwin are pretty good together. She's got to convey a lot of different feelings here, and Phuwin is responding in character as Ice really well. Managing an unwanted pregnancy when the non-pregnant partner wants it is not simple, and I like the way they're grounding Kim's reluctance. It's especially notable because we go back to the movie set, and Kim is clearly thriving here.

Yes, I am here for Mollie getting to loom.

Joong is very attractive, and I prefer when he has to bring more energy to his acting. GMMTV seems obsessed with making him play quieter and cool characters.

Babies are not a punishment for mistakes. It's also (currently) legal to get an abortion at this stage. I know the show is setting up this conversation to hammer home the point, and I'm going to reiterate it.

Oh, Jean. Also glad that we're acknowledging that any medical procedure can be scary, and few of us want to face that alone.

It was a very good choice to follow that scene with Ice talking to Alex. Despite their fraught relationship, Alex is still his brother, and he's a specialist on women's health issues. Alex steers Ice away from making the issue about him.

The timing of much of this is good. I like Army a lot here. He shares that he's actually excited at the prospect of becoming a parent, is willing to do it with Nim, and assures her he'll still respect her choice.

Interesting development! Jedi insists that he only has sex with Rose.

Joe and Army can't have one big moment without someone rolling up and immediately reaching for their phone. Goddamn. Y'all need to leave people the fuck alone. Joe isn't ready to be out, and he's going to blame Army for this because he came to the school.

The homoeroticism of laying on the floor after exerting yourselves together. We stay winning.

Placing Jan where her eyes would sparkle when she looked at Silvy was a gorgeous choice.

Jojo said, but what if the whole show was second chance romances??

I like that Nim and Mollie solved their own problem after others helped them with unrelated problems. It's a gentle message about how caring helps beyond the initial instance.

Is dressing like a flight attendant related in any way to what Captain did to Kat?

Another interesting development! Kat says Rose also insists she doesn't have sex with other people.

Alex thinking he possibly gave HPV to Kat was funny.

Newwie is actually pretty good in this role.

Oh, the mirror is a nice choice in the reconciliation between Jedi and Rose. They can finally face each other properly and clearly. They wanted to try being open, but realized it wasn't what they actually wanted. Still, I am invested in the answer about where they got infected.

I like how many scenes do double-duty in this show. We see Kat back on the wagon while also learning that Tony isn't a player.

Viruses are so annoying. I like the way this plotline with Jedi and Rose wrapped.

And look at Ice also coming through.

Jean looks so good.

So many problems next week! Liu is being harassed at work. Mollie is mad at Nim. Joe is being shoved deeper into the closet. Kat and Jean come to some big moment about Alex. Goddamn.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

😞😞 praying this still works out.

M has really bad job history. It’s gotten better as he’s gotten older. He jumped around a lot, always looking for a job with higher pay because once he graduated high school, he was not only sustaining himself, but his mom and brother as his dad’s visa expired and he had to leave the country.

Then his dad died (took his own life) and it threw him. He pandered around for a few more years, just really mentally unstable.

By the time I met him, he was staying at jobs longer. He was no longer needing to help his mom financially as his brother was older and working for his needs. We discussed therapy a lot and he finally started addressing his grief.

In the time I’ve known him, he’s gone through a fair amount of jobs, I’ll admit it. But they’ve been pretty legit.

He left his one job in 2020 due to their Covid procedures. It was putting himself, me, and our family at too much risk. He got any job he could and left that when he got a job in security. They promoted him and then started taking advantage of him. 80 hour work weeks and he was burnt out. He left when he found a better paying and less stressful job. Then His grandmother came and he had to work from home to care for her so he switched jobs again.

Then we moved out of the area to explore a job opportunity for me and also to save, so he had to leave that job. That job had decreased his hours significantly anyway and we were struggling to make ends meet. He went from 50 hours to 25 hours a week. He couldn’t stay.

He tried to explore another field of work, but because of the heat and his medication, he couldn’t continue the manual labor. He was getting physically sick every day as a side effect from the meds (can’t be in high heat). Then he got his last job which fired him for being the squeaky wheel about pay.

And soon we are going to be forced out of Florida which will be ANOTHER job on his history. But we can’t stay. Once we have the money we have to go. There’s a new slew of bills that are flying through the houses that will start in July. His drivers license will have to read female, employers don’t have to respect pronouns and can get YOU fired for standing up for your pronouns.

And I know jobs don’t really care to know the nuances, but how is someone to better themselves if they’re holding all this over your head? Stupid mistakes in your 20s, having to help care for your family, unsafe living situations you have to escape.

This interview today made it clear they were worried about his job stability. We’re just trying to GET stability. I understand their perspective. But all that’s happening is he keeps jumping around because he has to take what he can get until he finds better things and on and on never reaching a job that will PROVIDE stability.

There’s an opportunity out of state we’re debating on pursuing. It’s just scary to take the jump with no money.

Also I’m still just floating around. About to do a new round of social work applications.

[asexual-society]

tw: brief mentions of trauma related to sex and mentions of genitals (non gendered) , stay safe

hello! for context i realized i'm ace around 3 years ago, and while i definitely feel like the label is fit for me, i also feel like some of my sex-repulsed characteristics, to the point of feeling very scared or disgusted, are also due to my trauma- and i'm not sure how to navigate this. my repulsedness fluctuates, but i'm always scared of irl contact and even touching ~down there~, at least like most people, including some aces do. I'm not sure if this is just the way i'll always be or if there's some healing that can be done in order to be at least more stable, but it is kind of making life inconvenient because i'm trans (ftm) and i'd like to medically transition, if it wasn't for the fact that my parts changing their shape and the way they function sounds very overwhelming and scary, even though i know i'd like to have this and get happy at the thought of me being naturally born with those characteristics i desire. Sorry if it's a bit of a long rant, i'd just like to find some guidance, or perhaps shared experiences with whoever's willing. Have a nice day !

Hey anon!

Sex repulsion as a result of trauma is unfortunately common, regardless of sexuality, and it can suck, especially if it's very extreme and distressing. There are some ways of getting yourself more comfortable and used to sexual subjects, depending on what specific things you are repulsed by, but these things have to be handled delicately and might not be something you can do alone without professional help. Since for a lot of ace people our sex repulsion doesn't affect our day to day lives much if we don't plan on being sexually active, it can be easily avoided without causing too many issues, but with medical transition and surgery which I'm assuming you're talking about, people being in the vicinity of your bits can be harder to avoid.

I would strongly advise you to speak to a therapist about your concerns because they may be able to talk you through your options and solutions better than Unqualified Internet Stranger (who would walk across hot coals before letting another human near their genitals) (they might also be able to point you in the direction of other resources to help you with non-gender-related sex repulsion). It's totally normal to be worried about intimate medical procedures, that's so normal I promise, they can be scary and overwhelming regardless of sex repulsion, and regardless of how positively you feel about the end results. That being said, depending on where you are, I know expressing these concerns to a doctor in places without informed consent (like the UK), or otherwise where they are looking for any excuse to withhold treatment, can be difficult, so if you are able to, speaking to a therapist unrelated to your transition could be another option.

Other than this, speaking to other trans people about their experiences with medical transition will probably be beneficial to you because they can give you first hand advice as well as emotional support. Reddit might be a good place for this if you're looking for advice specific to your geographical region, but there are plenty of blogs on tumblr too ofc.

If anyone has any more advice please feel free to comment, ik this can be a pretty nuanced topic.

Best of luck with your transition though anon, I hope you're doing okay <3

- mod key

[minorisato]

i don't know how my mind acquired these memories

transformers, original work / belocon / wc: 754 / warnings: non-consensual invasive medical procedures / i've had these ocs for forever and got possessed to write about them???

“I learned about Belonidae once,” Joy-Con admits, twiddling his thumbs. He’s laying back-down on a medical berth. He used to have therapy sessions on this berth. That felt like so long ago. “They’re a type of animal on Earth. Humans call them needlefish. That’s not their actual name, though, their actual name is Belonidae.”

“Hmm.”

“I just thought you’d find that interesting,” Joy-Con tells him, tilting his helm so that his visor stares up at the other bot. The mech above him takes notes on a datapad, tap-tap-tapping away. Belone used to tap-tap-tap on datapads, taking notes about him. It used to be about Joy-Con. That felt like so long ago. “Since you’ve picked up the mnemosurgery, and your name is Belone. Like, needle-fingers, needle-fish.”

“Hmm.”

“Why did you wanna see me, actually?” Joy-Con asks, moving to sit up. “I thought you gave up your practice.”

Belone glances up from his datapad only momentarily, just long enough to place a hand on Joy-Con’s shoulder, pushing the mech to lay back down. “I didn’t give up my practice, I lost my license,” Belone tells the other, “But it was my therapy practice. Mnemosurgery is a different practice entirely.”

“It’s also, like, not entirely legal, and pretty dangerous, I think.” Joy-Con attempts to sit up again. Why did he come here in the first place? Most bot’s ex-therapists don’t call to hang out. “Wasn’t that why you lost your license?”

“It’s not that dangerous,” Belone scoffs, and pushes him back down, harder. “It’s just a newer field. Very unregulated. You mess up once and your license is gone. I can run you through what's going to happen, if it makes you feel better. I understand new, unregulated medical procedures can be very scary, certainly not good for that paranoid personality disorder I diagnosed you with,” he deadpans. “That was also discovered on Earth, did you know that? Those humans are so much better about feelings than us.”

Joy-Con resets his vocals. “You don’t need to run through anything.”

“What’s going to happen,” Belone continues, completely ignoring him, “is that the straps on this berth are going to activate momentarily. People can thrash during the procedure, which can lead to damaged internals, so this is entirely a safety measure. After the straps activate, I will adjust the berth to give me access to the back of your neck. After that–”

Here, Belone pauses. Joy-Con glances up to his former therapist, just in time to see needles, thin, sharp and shiny, extending from the tips of his fingers. He doesn’t even notice when the straps do activate, snapping around him, keeping him helm down, in place.

“–After that, I’ll angle your neck to allow the needles to sink in without any obstruction. Should they get obstructed in any way, it could lead to irreparable damage to your processor. You would not be the same mech walking out that you were walking in.”

Joy-Con feels like he’s already not walking out of this the same, one way or another.

“I’ll be rooting around in your primary files,” Belone continues, “which you might find uncomfortable at first, but if my theory is correct, doing so should allow me to remove the core of your issues.” Belone begins shifting the berth, so that instead of laying down, Joy-Con is sitting upright, still stuck in place. “Therapy dances around the core at pokes and prods at it rather than actually erasing the problem, but mnemosurgery allows for just that. If we remove the center of all your problems from your memory, then the problems will simply disappear.”

“I won’t be the same person, though,” Joy-Con voices, “won’t this make me worse, won’t this just change who I am fundamentally?”

“Not fundamentally,” Belone explains, “you’ll still be you. Just without all that useless trauma and anxiety. Humans never got this far. They have these things, lobotomies, but their brains don’t function the same as our processors. You can’t just root through human memories like you can with ours.” He sighs. “We’re so far advanced, compared to them.”

A grin stretches on his face, and Joy-Con can only see it for a moment before his helm is forced downwards, neck presented to the mech.

“Isn’t this fascinating, to you? Aren’t you excited? This is technology no one has ever developed. We’re the first species to even attempt this. We can cure anything, like this.”

Needles graze the ports lining the back of Joy-Con’s neck.

“And you’re going to be the first mech I cure.”

[ifidiedinadream]

masturbation and female healthcare talk ahead

soo i'm in my mid 20s and haven't had sex yet which is fine with me, i don't care, i just wanted to ask if other people have similar experiences of masturbating and you know, fantasising, and it's all good and nice and you come, and then you feel bad about it, like damn why would i want someone i love to treat me that way, or just straight-up "well nah bro i don't care about sex anymore now and frankly having something inside me sounds very scary and like it could either hurt a lot or i just wouldn't feel much of it/not get much out of it". like i don't even want to see a women's doctor for breast checks because then they'd probably insist on doing a pap smear too and there is genuinely not much i would hate more in the entire world than someone prying open my vagina with a medical instrument that's bigger than anything else i've had in there ever to then jab at my cervix with a tiny brush. AND then have someone else's fingers inside me to check for whatever it is they check for. i'm fine with any other kind of doctor's visit, you know, gp, dentist, dermatologist, and go regularly for checkups, but this? that? that freaks the hell out of me and i Do Not Want That.

oh sorry that was supposed to just be about the not caring about sex after masturbation but then it spiralled to "the thought of having something/someone else inside me is weird" to omg i'm never seeing a women's doctor ever

regarding the "drop" after masturbation that's pretty common, to a lower degree i get it too sometimes and i believe it has to do with ✨hormones✨

about the rest ive never experienced it, but i only started going to the gyno after i started having sex, so the thought of things inside me didn't scare me. if anyone wants to add something be my guest, im currently at my grandparents' so not really in the right mental space to give you the thoughtful answer id like to give you 🖤

all ill say is some procedures can be invasive and i get it that it might leave the patient feel uneasy, but health should always come first. in my experience gynos have always been sensitive and put me at ease, because they know it's a delicate matter

[doopy-n-loopy]

Yan!TF2 × reader headcannons (SFW and NSFW)

// obsessive tendancies, mentions of violence, blood, sexual themes, noncon

[SFW]

Let's start with the defense classes

Defense:

Demoman

Deffo didn't admit that he loved you

Tbh he probably blamed it on his drunkenness

But dude you're always drunk

I mean seriously if he sobers up he'll genuinely die so like-

He would usually drink with you or just around you if you don't drink

He's generally a fun chill guy to be with

He would watch you from a distance at times, especially during battle you might distract the cyclops

He's okay with you asking questions

One time he broke his eyepatch and needed a new one

You gave him a nice black eyepatch with the demoman emblem on it

He gets all red whenever you say his full name, because he knows you remembered it

He is generally against kidnapping, I mean especially since he lives with his ma he'd rather not

And because he's a gentleman

If you ever reciprocate his feelings he'll make sure to treat you right

He is a messy person but for you? He'll clean

Probably would get carried away and make home made bombs with all the cleaning supplies 🤦‍♂️

Takes you to meet his mom

"ooo Tavish, yer gonna get me some grand kiddos are ya?"

That made you both blush like crazy

Soft cheek kisses

Probably made a special bomb and named it after you

"this one's for you, luv!" *Proceeds to set off all stickybombs which blows up the entire enemy team*

Blew up the last guy who looked at you funny

Hell, even worse when they make a sexual remark to you scout probably did it

Likes to give you your space but when he's paranoid he follows you to wherever or watched you from a distance

Heavy

Two words: big boy

Hugs are 10000000000/10

Sometimes it fewls suffocating but man it's like hugging a cloud

Soft forehead kisses

Russian pet names

He sometimes lets you touch Sasha, that's how he knows he loves you because he doesn't even let medic, his best friend, touch her

Probably named a gun after you or one of the pet names he calls you

You definitely met his family and they loved you

Zana especially

Doesn't get jealous easily but will not hesitate to unload 12 pounds of bullets into someone who even LOOKS at you the wrong way

Lord have mercy on the ones who dare flirt with you, rest in pieces scout

Doesn't really follow you anywhere (you're a bit too fast for him) but he does watch you and check up on you

He preforms okay on the battlefield but when you're around, he'll show off

Will cook for you, mainly russian dishes

He's very against kidnapping and would rather not do it

Doesn't shut up about you when he's around medic

Engineer

F l u f f y

Very softspoken in general but he gets all flustered when you talk to him

Will check up on you occasionally

"Darlin'" "Honey bunny" things like that y'know

Huge smile when you're around

Will cook for you most definitely, knows what you like

Makes little robots for you

Likes seeing you use his dispenser

Doesn't get jealous easily either but will try and take you away from someone who wants your attention

Likes just having you in his presence, doesn't need to talk to be happy with you around

Very very against kidnapping like all other defense classes, wouldn't do it unless if he truly felt the need to, last resort kind of thing

The last guy who flirted with you had a sentry gun shoved up his ass

Doesn't really follow you anywhere

Offense:

Scout

Nothing short of a horomonal teenager

I mean he's 21 but

He gets so giddy around you, very loud, tries to show off

He loves you very much

"oh yeah? Well I once absolutely smashed a guy into peices, he was still screaming when he was dead!"

He brags about brutal things but hey you love it since you're also brutal

Flexes his non-existent muscles around you

Would talk about his mom to you all day

Definitely got a tattoo of your face and name somewhere on his body, most likely his bicep

Your name is probably misspelled too but you never say anything about it because he can't read so it's fine

He hasn't really thought about kidnapping in all honesty, again, a last resort kinda thing if he can't get you to love him

He will make a damn SCENE if anyone flirts with you

"you think that's funny, chucklenuts? I eat guys like you for breakfast lunch AND dinner!" "I'll blow yer freakin head off if ya talk to y/n like that again!" Would definitely drag you away

God help anyone that makes you uncomfortable, he'll fuck them up, if that person is medic I mean he'll try to but we all know how fucking scary medic is

Follows you at times

Pyro

"Mphmphmpph"

Seems more lovey around you

Definitely gave you a hand full of the enemy's bloody bones thinking it was a bouquet of flowers

Absolute baby

Just so precious, scary but precious

Hugs for days

Good luck trying to get their ass off of you when you're on cease-fire

Very warm though, they smell like smoke with a bit of blood

Likes petting you

Isn't against the idea of kidnap because they don't realize what they're actually doing, they think they're just taking you to a magical place

Snuggles

When someone flirts with you their whole world changes

Gets angry and starts yelling at them

"MPHMPHMOHMPHHH! MPHMPHNHUMAHUMA!" - Pyro 2021

Will not let you get a checkup alone, he trusts medic but not with you

Very sweet tho, he'll turn around when you need to strip down

Will follow you almost EVERYWHERE and if they can, while holding your hand

Soldier

Yells at you a little less than the others

At first doesn't realize how he feels but then realizes that he loves you

Is pretty protective over you

Rants about America all day to you

Probably got you an american flag to wear

Doesn't really take off his helmet but he likes seeing you in it, makes him proud

If you ever live with him you'll find out that he owns like 20 racoons

"YOU ARE CUTER THAN A RACOON" "YOU WILL BE SAFE ON THE BATTLEFIELD, DO YOU HEAR ME MAGGOT?"

He loudly wakes everyone up in the morning but tries to avoid waking you up

Loves you as much as he loves America

Will show off on the battlefield for you

Isn't against kidnapping you, he probably did it early on if you showed immediately that you didn't reciprocate his feelings

Will blow any guy that hits on you to absolute bits

"MAGGOT DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL LEAVE THE LADY/MAN ALONE THIS INSTANT!"

Probably put you on his back and rocket jumped just to show you what it felt like

Follows you around a lot, it's really obvious because he wears a bucket over his head and crashes into things, when you look back he'll stand behind a lamp post or somewhere really obvious

Support

Ah yes, everyones favorite class including mine

Sniper

Very quiet

Takes secret glances at you

Pays more attention to you than the others

S h y

Asks how you are, how you slept, etc

Doesn't really need to be holding you, tbh he's against PDA

But he likes being in your presence

Just sit down next to him and he'll be fine

When he's on the battlefield, he'll look for you and make sure you're safe

God forbid anyone try to hurt you, he'll make them suffer

Talks about Australia to you and accidentally admitted that he wanted to take you there

Doesn't like the idea of kidnapping but he isn't totally against it, I can see him doing it

He smuggled you all the damn way to Australia

He'll nonchalantly show off to you on the battlefield, he'll let you get cornered and come in to save the day

"love" is a word he uses a lot with you

Will grumble to himself if he sees someone flirting with you

If it's a random person, well, that'll be the last time you ever see them

Has talked about you to his parents

Kind of follows you? I mean he sits atop a high placeand watches you through his scope whenever you're going somewhere

Spy

SEDUCTIVE ASF

He knows what he's doing

Will kiss your hand a lot

Likes to flirt with you and see you blush

"honhonhon"

Sleazy french fucker

Watched you from afar at first then approached you a little later

Isn't against the idea of kidnapping, pro kidnapping, definitely did it not only to have you to himself but for some sort of sexual satisfaction

Just very uh... Lewd? Can't find the right word

He treats you very respectfully though

If he hears anyone else flirting with you he'll be fuming but won't show it

"Oh please, like you could EVER satisfy y/n's desires"

That person mysteriously disappeared that night

Very cocky bastard

Definetly follows you home, not only that but he watches you through your window

And stalks you

He knows everything about you

Would get you either by knocking you unconscious or by blackmailing you

Medic

B a s t a r d

Gets LOUD when you're around

And giddy

Very touchy, always has a reason to put his hands on you

Talks a lot with you around, I mean he already talks a lot but now he won't shut up

Keeps his office nice and clean for you

He restocks on everything so when you come around you can take a loot at all his medicines

Big smile :D

Like spy he is not at all against kidnapping you

Makes sure you're comfortable during checkups

Will make you wait to be seen last just so he can take his time touching your body

"it's all part of the procedure".mp3

Compliments you in weird ways, ex: "your skin is so smooth and lovely, it's the perfect texture to make leather out of" "you have an amazing colon"

Look he's just trying his best here he has a screw loose

You're the only member who he's careful with really

Sometimes allows you to get hurt or has you get hurt by something just so you can see him

Always follows you wherever

Knows everything about you

If someone is flirting with you, he'll get quiet at first and use a low tone to speak to them

"you have guts talking to y/n like that"

They were never seen again

With kidnapping, he won't hesitate to use blackmail against you, or will just use anesthesia

Bonus: Pauling

Pauling

This lady values her work over her life, but to her you're so much more important

Will call you a lot on the battlefield to check in on you

Won't give you extremely hard missons to do because she doesn't want you to get hurt

"Hey (class), Pauling here. I need you... No not like that I just- I mean- for a mission yeah a mission"

Gets all flustered when you're around

Will take her only day off to spend time with you, what a sweetheart

Keeps multiple tabs on you

Follows you around

Doesn't really have time for kidnapping

But if it comes to that, she'll make something up so she has a reason to kidnap you

If anyone else is flirting with you she won't show that she's annoyed

She'll make something up as an excuse to execute them

[NSFW]

Defense

Demo

Has definitely thought of what you'd look like while naked

B l u s h

Has used a mental image of you to get off before

Probably has an actual photo of you

When he drinks a little more than usual, he'll accidentally brush his hand against your ass or get touchy with you

Will not force himself on you, he's 100% against that

If you decide to have sex with him, praise is what you're gonna get

"you're as beautiful as a shot of whiskey in the sunrise"

Very gentle with his hands

Heavy

Not the type to masturbate

Unless if he gets THAT worked up

Again, against forcing himself on you

But if you want it no doubt you will top

He's also gentle with you

And loving

Praise is all you're gonna get

Sometimes russian sometimes broken english

Either way he will worship your body

Engi

Again, a more modest guy, doesn't really touch himself

Might just use a robot to pleasure himself when thinking about you

Probably has a photo of you and him around his workshop

Never forces himself on you

He's sweet and gentle when you do want it though

Sometimes gets help from his robot friends

Offense

Scout

Gets off on thinking about you

Won't force himself on you though

Sexual remarks × 100

Calls you handsome/beautiful in bed

I wouldn't say he's the best in bed but hey he's good I guess

Cuddles after sex most likely

Probablh threw out all his sexual magazines because they just didn't do the trick anymore

Sometimes when he runs past you, your shirt/skirt gets lifted up by a gust of wind and he can't help but look ( ͡◉ ͜ ʖ ͡◉)

Since I hit the text limit, I'll be making a part 2, stay tuned

[haleigh-sloth]

I really hate to talk about this on this blog that is pretty much only a fandom blog, that I use for fun and stupid ridiculous anime bullshit, but there really isn't anything that bothers me more than misinformation being spread for truly scary topics. So I'm going to get very serious here for a second and then not talk about it on here again because I don't use tumblr for this stuff.

So before I go on this spiel, just in case people don’t know:

Now.

Greg Abbott enacted a law yesterday (2-22-2022) that now considers a number of, and I quote, "sex change procedures", child abuse.

Said procedures are listed in the letter I am about to link to.

He sent a letter to the Department of Family and Protective Services telling them that they are to investigate any reports they receive about children suspected of undergoing these types of procedures.

The law also requires professionals who work with children (which I am one) to report any children suspected of undergoing these procedures to Child Protective Services.

Now, I came across a very alarming post saying things like "All trans kids are at risk of being removed from their parents and placed in state custody" and "Any mandated reporter who does not report a child believed to be transgender is subject to face prosecution"-and I'm wondering "Am I really going to have to report to CPS every time a kid wants to change their pronouns or says they are trans? Like, really?"

And, well, after doing a bit of research, as well as talking to an old coworker who still works for CPS (guess where I used to work guys) I am here to say that, the post I'm referring to is spreading some seriously alarming information. The law is legit. Unfortunately. It's real.

HOWEVER, saying stuff like "any kid suspected of being trans is at risk of being removed from their parents and put into state custody!!!!" is a VERY. ALARMING. STATEMENT. And it is NOT fucking true. And by saying such a thing you are TERRIFYING kids on the internet who may identify as trans but have not taken any steps into transitioning. Those kids do not fall into the criteria of the people this awful law is targeting.

So, first of all. That's not what the law fucking says. It specifies "sex change procedures". Meaning, medical procedures, hormones, surgeries, etc., I'll link to the DFPS letter again where all of these are specified. Second, stop trying to tell people that if they just identify as trans, they are going to get taken from their parents. Trans does NOT MEAN ACTIVELY TRANSITIONING. Third, idk if any of y'all know how CPS works, but it is not as simple as you seem to think. Guess how many parents go before a judge who physically beat their kids but still go home with their children in their custody anyway--like. Please.

I know this is terrible and I hate Greg Abbott and Texas and these right wing fucking nut jobs that infest the legislature, but please stop trying to scare people more than they already are. People don't need that. They need the information as it is. It doesn't need to be embellished to make it worse than it already is.

Telling parents with trans children to flee the state because they will lose custody their children just because they identify as trans is just--it's not having the effect you think it does. Trans does not equal transitioning, which I feel is something people need to be very aware of. Either fix the wording, or make sure you understand this law that was just enacted.

And honestly the only reason I'm making this post is because people seem to think that the law says "being trans is illegal and punishable by prosecution", when that is literally not what it says. As a mandated reporter myself, I had to do some serious research after seeing such an alarming post, as it affects my daily life at work. And I have to say I'm more than a little irritated at the information going around. Yes, this place is awful, I hate it here, why do you think I talk about wanting to leave constantly blah blah blah, but holy fuck the last thing we need is people being terrified for their lives when they don't need to be.

There are people who should be scared, and I honestly hope something changes, because the system fails as it is now and this is going to make it worse. But freaking more people out than necessary is the opposite of helpful. Fuck.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

So I looked through a detransition blog just out of curiosity, since it was one you reblogged, but now I’m super... freaked out? I have a top surgery consultation in April but now I have this weird fear that I’m faking it or that I’ll regret it afterwards. I’ve identified as somewhere along non-binary and trans (he/they!) for over a year, and I’ve known I’m not a girl for even longer, but now I’m just so afraid that maybe I don’t know myself at all. Do you have any advice on what this is?

Lee says:

Discussing your feelings with a therapist can sometimes help you untangle the anxiety from everything else. It’s reasonable to have some apprehension about a major surgery that can have a big impact on your life because it is a big change- and like any other surgery, it also has medical risk and can result in complications. 

And reading about other people’s feelings about their surgeries can be helpful! I do recommend reading things from people who were happy with the outcome and reading things from people who weren't to get a better perspective on the range of experiences that can exist. Only reading the negative or the positive doesn’t provide a balanced view!

But even if you read other people’s stories, and talk to them about why they feel the way they do about their choices and bodies, nobody else can tell you what you should do for yourself. Even a therapist can’t know for sure if you will regret surgery (or anything else that you choose to do) because nobody can see into the future, see into your heart, and see into mind simultaneously to and determine for certain what it is that you need. 

As soon as I came out as non-binary when I was 15, I started saving money for top surgery. I was someone who ran towards top surgery at full tilt and I didn’t give myself any space for doubt about whether it was the right choice for me because I felt it was the only choice I had-- forwards or nothing. I was pretty severely depressed at the time and had a brief hospitalization the month before I turned 18, and I was sort of pinning all my hopes on top surgery reducing my dysphoria and booting out my depression. So I scheduled my consultation as soon as I turned 18 and was legally an adult and could do so without parental permission. I immediately scheduled my surgery for the soonest available date, and had inverted-T incision top surgery about 3 months after I turned 18.

Now I’m 21 years old, and I’m 3 years and 5 months post-op from my top surgery. 

In retrospect, top surgery was 110% the right choice for me. If I could do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Top surgery really did reduce my dysphoria by a significant amount, and that made it easier for me to cope with my depression and other mental health issues. I was proudly parading around the house shirtless as soon as I was able to stop using post-op compression, before my incisions had even healed into scars.

I don’t have any dysphoria about my chest anymore, especially now that I’ve gotten tattoos to cover my scars. I finally feel like I look like how I always knew I was meant to look.

I don’t post pictures of my chest anymore because I have distinguishing tattoos but I’ve posted a few before/after pictures when I was 3 years post-op and I think things have only gotten better now.

I was lucky to not have any complications; I don’t have any nerve pain, and hypertrophic or keloid scarring, and I didn’t need any revisions. But there are some things that are non-ideal compared to if I had just been born with a typical cis-guy flat chest. My nips are a little wonky in color and shape, and I plan on getting medical tattoos at some point to even the edges out. I also have slightly muted sensation in my chest now, so everything is like slightly number than it was before.

When I was pre-op, I did enjoy having nipple sensation that was pleasurable; even though I had inverted t-incision top surgery which preserved the nipple stalk, I still only have tactile, temperature, and pain sensations in my chest. If you put an ice cube on my nipple and my eyes were closed, I’d know it was cold. If you poked me while I was looking away, I’d still feel it. And if you squeezed me, it would hurt. But somehow it doesn’t feel good anymore like it used to. 

I don’t know how much of that loss in erotic sensation is a mental thing and how much is a physical change caused by scar tissue build up around the nerve. But regardless, it is a real loss. 

For me, that loss is well worth it. While I might have been physically capable of experiencing erotic nipple/chest sensation before, I rarely actually did have that experience because it made me too dysphoric and I didn’t like to take my shirt off during sex. Now I feel more fully present and comfortable in my own body and it makes me more engaged so I can focus on my partner and on the other feelings I’m having and how I look isn’t something that is detracting from the experience. 

In general, top surgery has made my life better in a million ways. I love running shirtless with my college cross country team, I like going swimming at the beach with no shirt, and I like the way I look now when I see myself in a mirror after stepping out of the shower. 

When I get dressed in the morning, my day starts off on a neutral note because it’s just me putting on clothes. Sometimes I pause to think about how I can just put on a shirt and feel good about it and move on. Before, I used to be upset every morning because the first thing I’d be reminded of when I woke up was that my chest was there and I didn’t want it to be. I’m Autistic, and binding was Not comfortable for me sensory-wise, so not having to bind was also nice.

I would choose to get top surgery again, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right choice for each and every person. I am sure it was the right choice for me, and I have no regrets at all, I never want to have breasts again. But someone else might think that not having erotic nipple sensation is a dealbreaker, or they might not be comfortable with scars if they tend to heal with more visible raised scars that are harder to cover with a tattoo like I did mine.

So I can tell you that top surgery has made my life better and I’m glad I got it and I don’t think that there would have been any way for me to be as happy as I am now if I had not gotten it. Top surgery is life saving and life-changing for some people, and I am one of those people. I might be more inclined to tell people that if you think you need surgery you should get it because my surgery went so well and because I’m still identifying as genderqueer, transmasculine, and non-binary, just like I was when I was 15, so my identity is pretty static there.

Some other post-op people may tell you that they regret their surgery, that they wish they hadn’t done it, and they would make a different decision if they could go back in time. They might want to help warn other people to not make the same mistake that they did.  Detransitioned folks often (but not always) have a different perspective than folks who persisted in being transgender and that’s okay- it isn’t a better perspective or a worse one, just a different one. But both trans and reidentified people can feel this way, even though it’s usually more common for de-trans folks to regret surgical procedures that it is for trans folks.

I semi-rushed into surgery for both emotional and logistical reasons but I knew it was right for me. But that isn’t the best choice for everyone and if you aren’t 100% sure that it is what you want and need then there’s nothing wrong with having the consultation with the surgeon to learn more and then thinking things over before you schedule a surgery date (or don’t), you don’t need to immediately schedule a surgery date after the consult. Think of it as an interview and as an information gathering session.

Neither of us can tell you what you should do because neither of us are “right” or “wrong” about top surgery. It’s just a different experience and a different perspective. We all have biases based on our own way of seeing things, and that can inform our advice.

If you know what the risks are, and you’ve given it careful thought and can provide an informed consent, then whether you should get surgery is your decision. I won’t tell you “go get it!” or “don’t go get it!” and I don’t think that any blogger should be telling anons what medical procedures to get or not get. 

Worrying that you’re faking it, that you don’t know who you are, and worrying about regret is something that can be pretty scary and frustrating, but you don’t need to figure it out on your own, and it’s okay to take a little longer to come to a decision and talk it over with a therapist if you think it’s necessary to help you cope with that anxiety.

But yeah, I believe that ultimately you have to trust your gut feelings on what you know to be right for you.

Top surgery 101 links

Finding a therapist

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[qitwrites]

growing pains 

Fandom: Boku no hero academia 

There’s an absolutely atrocious, disgustingly gooey feeling curling around Bakugou’s chest.

He wonders if Recovery girl has any medicine for feels.

OR

5 times the Bakusquad tells Bakugou they love him + the one time he says it back

(AO3)

Ashido is many things. Book smart isn’t one of them.

No really, she’s got so much going for her with her dancing, her strength, her versatile quirk, her perky attitude and even her distinctive appearance, but she’s not one for the books. She doesn’t like them, and they clearly don’t like her back.

Her grades thoroughly reflect this hate-hate relationship.

Ashido tries though, she really does- even if it’s just cramming a few days before the exams, she tries to study. Yao-momo had even gone out of her way to help, but it just doesn’t do the trick. She knows she needs to get her act together and figure this out because she can’t be a hero with a failing grade, and the anxiety and fear starts taking its toll, leaving her restless and upset.

So, when Bakugou sees the pink-haired, pink-skinned pain-in-the ass sulking in the common room, he’s horrified by the words that leave his mouth-

‘Want my help?’

Ashido doesn’t even glance at him at first, choosing to stare at the wall forlornly. She slowly looks up to catch his eye, looks around, realizes that they’re all alone, snaps her eyes back to his and her jaw drops.

‘Me?’ She points a finger at herself. ‘You’ll tutor me?’

‘What did I just say dumbass?’

‘I just- BAKUBRO, THANK YOU!’

‘Shut the fuck up and get your shit. We’ve got our work cut out for us. And raccoon eyes?’

Ashido turns to look at him, eyes bright and shiny.

‘Tell anyone about this and I’ll kick your ass.’

Ashido beams. ‘It’ll be our little secret!’

To her credit, he sees her try. She’s distracted and constantly jumping up and down, too jittery to be in one place, but she also pushes herself to focus, to really absorb the material. Bakugou’s rough with her, the way he is with Kirishima, but he’s generous with the praise too, or as generous as he’s capable of being. It makes him feel all kinds of gross, disgustingly soft and gooey things when Ashido’s eyes go warm with pride when he pays her the smallest compliment.

They work hard for the two weeks leading up to the exams. Kirishima joins them for every session in addition to the stuff he does with Bakugou separately, and between the three of them, they manage to cover most of the syllabus quite thoroughly.

The day before the exam, Bakugou sees the nerves rolling off Ashido.

‘Oye!’

She flinches and turns to look at him, throwing him a sheepish smile. ‘Yes, Blasty?’

He bristles at the nickname but recognizes that there’s no malice, no intention to mock, nothing really- just a nickname meant for a friend. She isn’t provoking him- she’s just nervous and falling back on old, comfortable habits.

He grunts, ‘You nervous?’

Ashido chuckles. ‘Course I am! Don’t wanna let you down, you know?’

Bakugou smacks her lightly on the head with a roll of practice sheets.

‘Who do you think tutored you? Don’t underestimate our sessions. Get in there and fucking obliterate those stupid tests.’

Ashido’s smile grows more confident, and she gives him a huge thumbs up, bumps hips with Kirishima and jogs over to her seat. The bell rings, and the exams begin.

The tests are not bad. Bakugou notes that a good majority of the papers contain material that he’s covered with the two properly, and works his way through the problems, the equations, the literature, all of it. In the very back of his mind, in a place he barely refuses to acknowledge, he hopes that they’re doing ok.

A week after their final exams, Bakugou is walking back from the training centre when he sees a ball of pink approaching him at an alarming speed.

‘BAKUBRO!’ Mina hollers, arms raised over her head as she outright sprints at him.

Bakugou furrows his brow, chest expanding as he gets ready to yell at her when she interrupts him-

‘I passed EVERYTHING!’ Her smile is humungous, wide and warm and genuine to its core. ‘AND I ACTUALLY DID WELL!’

Bakugou doesn’t even realize he’s smiling back, that feral, triumphant grin he has when he beats someone during training or takes down a villain. He’s proud of himself, and he realizes, with a surprising amount of acceptance, that he’s proud of her too. Really damn proud.

He’s a bit slow to realize that she hasn’t stopped barreling towards him though.

‘RACCOON EYES, DON’T YOU DA-‘

Ashido collides right into him, sending them both tumbling to the ground. Bakugou curses the entire way, but Ashido out-laughs him, her body shaking with joy.

‘Thank you!’ She beams down at him, pulling him into a warm hug. ‘You have no idea what this means to me.’

Bakugou wants to push her off, wants to stand up, spew out some curses and stomp away, back to his room.

But he’s also proud. He’s also happy for her. He’s also glad she did ok. That she worked hard and was determined to make him proud and that she isn’t going to get held back or expelled or something.

So, he blames it on the summer heat when he not only doesn’t push her off but rests a hand on her shoulder, gives her a quick pat, counts to 10 and THEN shoves her away.

Ashido pulls off easily enough, still laughing. She bounces back to her feet, dusts off her track pants and offers him her hand. The blonde looks at it, huffs, and takes it with an exaggerated roll of his eyes.

Ashido yanks him to his feet with a strong, firm grip and her eyes go soft and warm and radiant.

‘Thanks again, Bakugou.’

‘Tch, whatever. Fuck off.’

Ashido giggles. Her phone suddenly starts ringing and she pulls it out of her pant pocket.

‘Oh, it’s my parents, I gotta take this!’ She starts walking back to the dorms. ‘Let’s go out this weekend, get some food at the mall. My treat!’

‘I don’t want to fucking do-‘

‘Bye babe. Love you!’ And with that, she’s gone, her laugh echoing around the courtyard.

There’s an absolutely atrocious, disgustingly gooey feeling curling around Bakugou’s chest.

He wonders if Recovery girl has any medicine for feels.

---

Bakugou knows for a fact that Sero is 90% memes and 10% tape.

He has no scientific evidence to back up this claim of course, but he’s definitely right.  

The thing about Sero is that the longer you spend time around him, the more you can appreciate his stupid sense of humour, his great taste in mangas, and his ability to make the people around him smile.

Bakugou hates him completely, or so he tells himself. There’s no scientific evidence to prove on the contrary either, thank god.

So, with his shitty sense of humour and his easy-going nature, it’s natural to find Sero with a smile on his face. Not the kind of sunshine happiness that Kirishima has, but more of a mellow, easy joy. His body language exudes a relaxed vibe, immediately making the people around him lower their guard, and he shares a love for healthy food with Bakugou, earning him the blonde’s begrudging respect.

Bakugou finds the tape hero sitting at the kitchen island on a Tuesday night. It’s past Bakguou’s bedtime, but he’s hungry enough to warrant a midnight snack, though he’s not expecting any company. Turns out, neither is Sero.

‘Oh, hey.’

Immediately, Bakugou’s shackles are up. Because Sero isn’t smiling. He isn’t teasing him, there’s no humorous lilt in his voice, no mischievous glint in his eyes, nothing. He’s hollow almost, his skin pale and his eyes sunken in. Even his breathing seems off, too fast and too shallow all at once.

‘What are you doing up?’ Bakugou asks, quirking a brow.

‘Could ask you the same.’

Sero is barely looking at him. He has his phone in a vice-grip, and he looks like he’s going to throw up.

‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

Sero jolts at that, eyes darting all across the room, and he can’t seem to look at Bakugou. Can’t seem to sit still or calm down. Bakugou can taste his anxiety, and it’s making the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He feels protectiveness - strong and vicious and ridiculously overpowering - all the way in his toes.

‘Nothing, ha, I’m fine.’

‘Tapeface, I’m not fucking blind. If you don’t want to fucking talk about it, fine. Just don’t lie to my face.’

Sero finally looks at him, and he looks lost and scared and helpless. Bakugou’s never seen him like this, and the protectiveness surges.

‘I- I didn’t expect anyone to be awake. I’m not sure, you know, how to talk about it. I don’t even know what to do.’

Bakugou grunts to show him he’s listening before turning around and slowly pulling things out of the fridge. He remembers Sero’s love for fruits and soy and all things healthy and decides to make some Mapo Tofu. Not because Sero will like it or anything, the blonde just really likes Mapo Tofu, ok?

Bakugou begins the task of pulling pots and pans out of the cabinets and gets to prepping the ingredients. He keeps himself busy and fills the space with the comforting sounds and smells of food because he is an expert at being unable to talk about his feelings. To articulate his thoughts sans anger and rage and panic. And he finds that it's easier, even if only a little, to talk when the focus isn’t just on you. When there’s stuff going on, when there are other focal points. It’s less scary.

‘My mom is getting surgery.’

Bakugou pauses in his movements. He stays still long enough to indicate to Sero that he’s listening but goes back to work so the focus is still on the food, so Sero will continue to speak. His voice is uncharacteristically soft and so pained, and something in Bakugou churns horribly. He works more softly, so he can hear everything.

‘She’s had medical issues all my life, so it’s nothing unexpected. She gets surgery pretty often, but it’s never any less scary.’

Bakugou can’t even imagine what that’s like, to have a parent regularly undergo medical treatment and surgical procedures.

‘It’s the first one since I got to the dorms. I’ve never been this far away, and I can’t-‘ Sero’s voice chokes. He breathes deeply and continues ‘-I can’t calm down. I begged them to let me come home but they refused, said I need to see this UA thing through, do my own thing, all that.’

Bakugou continues to cook. The kitchen smells warm and spicy, and the sound of sizzling spices saturates the space between them, and he thinks he can sense Sero calm down a little.

‘I get it. I do. They're right and logically, I can accept that. I just. Fuck, this is horrible.’

Bakugou doesn’t offer any words of comfort or advice because what does he know? He has no idea what Sero is going through, and anything he says might sound insincere or plain insensitive. So instead, he cooks. He cooks the meat, mixes in the spices, and tastes the broth. He works fast and efficient, his movements practised. When it’s done, he plates up two bowls, and sets one in front of Sero, taking the seat next to him. Sero’s at the head of the table, so Bakugou ends up on his right.

Sero stares at the bowl and then looks up at Bakugou.

‘Mom makes me Mapo Tofu when I’m upset,’ he grumbles by way of an explanation. The blonde proceeds to douse his serving in extra chilli oil and peppercorns because he made the overall dish at a much more tolerable spice level. NOT for Sero or anything, just because. You know. For the fuck of it.

Sero stares at the bowl of food silently before picking up the spoon.

‘I haven’t told the rest because I couldn’t find a way to talk about it.’

Before Bakugou can figure out a way to respond to that, Sero continues, ‘I’m glad you know, is not so bad to have someone to talk to. Or at, I guess.’

Sero digs in, and after the first bite, his eyes light up.

‘Holy fuck,’ he breathes, ‘this is so good.’

Bakugou smirks, digging into his own bowl and humming in agreement. It’s probably the best Tofu he’s made so far.

‘Shit man,’ Sero says in between big bites, ‘I freaking love this. And you. But mostly this. But also, you. Like 65-35? Maybe 60-40.’

The blonde snorts and Sero’s grin gets wider. They eat in relative silence, with the occasional comment from Sero and the sounds of them kicking each other playfully under the table. When they’re done, Bakugou rinses the bowls in the sink and joins Sero on the couch in front of the TV. It’s gotten ridiculously late, but he doesn’t want to leave him alone.

Sero rubs the back of his neck. ‘I uh, I don’t want to go to my room right now.’

Bakugou leans over the couch, grabs two throw blankets from a bin nearby and flings the yellow one at Sero.

‘Play that cool documentary on speedcubing,’ he barks out, tucking himself under his own red blanket. Sero gives him a wide-eyed look before navigating to the right piece on Netflix. He gets comfortable under the throw, and they fall asleep to the sound of people solving Rubix cubes at inhumane speeds.

Shoji finds them like that in the morning and gently shakes them awake. Sero’s phone has a message from his parents, telling him everything’s alright, and that’s the only reason Bakugou forgives him for gathering the blonde in a big, warm hug before the sun is even up.

He crawls into his own bed 5 minutes later, and his heart feels lighter than ever.

Maybe an antacid will help with all of these stupid, horrid feels.

---

Bakugou doesn’t like people.

As a general rule of thumb, he dislikes them almost instantly. People are loud. They’re invasive, annoying, clingy, and they never smell good.

People are also cruel and selfish and use you as they please.

Bakugou doesn’t like people; until he comes to UA.

Because the people in UA are loud, invasive, annoying, clingy, and never smell great either.

But they’re kind. They’re smart, driven, capable, funny. They work hard, they play hard, and they’re mostly selfless. They don’t flock to him simply because he’s got a great quirk or something. Truth be told, they’re all pretty formidable themselves. Grossly underdeveloped and years away from being at his level, but Bakugou knows that with time, all of his classmates will reach insane heights. They wouldn’t be in UA otherwise.

So Bakugou tries. Mostly because his stupid squad won’t leave him alone, but he tries.

When people hang out in the common rooms, he’s downstairs with them. If there’s a stupid Christmas party, or it's someone’s birthday, or the class wants to go out shopping or to play in the pool, Bakugou tags along with them more often than not.

There is a compromise though. With a social battery as small and easily drained as his, it isn’t uncommon for the class to find Bakugou chilling in a corner with his headphones in, simply taking in the vibe rather than actively participating. There’s no bad blood over this though- they kinda get it. Not everyone is as friendly or as vibrant as Kirishima or Kaminari. They’re honestly just glad he’s there at all, so they do their best to make sure he’s included while letting him set his own pace.

Bakugou’s in one of his recharging phases when he spots Jirou.

The earphone jack hero is wandering around, looking a little worse for wear. There are people from both 1A and 1B milling around, talking and laughing in the common areas, and the energy in the room is almost stifling. The blonde doesn’t miss the way Jirou covers her ears at one point.

From what he can tell, Jirou is an ambivert. She enjoys the company of others often, but she’s also perfectly fine being on her own, with a book and some music to keep her company. Right now, she seems exhausted, her own social battery running dangerously low.

Bakugou catches her eye. She gives him a small wave and he sticks his tongue out at her, pulling the skin under his eye down on one side. It’s petty and dumb, but he sees her huff a laugh and slowly meander towards him. Bakugou goes back to closing his eyes and tipping his head back, enjoying the familiar texture of the common room couch and the sound of the music in his ears drowning out everything else.

He feels the couch dip next to him, close but not too close. Jirou doesn’t touch him, doesn’t bother him, doesn’t shake or poke or otherwise engage him. She just sits there, stock-still.

When his eyes slip open again, Bakugou sees that she’s got her hands in her lap and she’s mimicking his posture, comfortably seated on the couch with her head tipped back. Her signature headphones are nowhere in sight though, and her eyes are open and red.

Distantly, Bakugou wonders if she’s forgotten them. That would suck ass- he’d be lost without his own pair. And Jirou’s relationship with music is on a level no one else can fathom- it’s literally part of her DNA, her quirk, her identity.

Bakugou isn’t sure what compels him to do it- maybe it’s because they both like bugging the hell out of Kaminari. Maybe it’s because Jirou is no-nonsense when it comes to hero work, which he can respect. Maybe it’s because, beneath all the teasing and smart-ass comments, Jirou has often looked out for him, advocating for the need for personal space when the idiot brigade drains him.

Whatever the reason, Bakugou finds himself pulling out his right earbud and holding it out for her, a silent invitation.

It takes maybe 4 seconds for him to feel the bud lifted gently from his fingers. Jirou is careful to not jar his own earbud when she adjusts his in her right ear, and Bakugou moves to raise the volume a little.

It is a bit annoying, yes, to have one ear open to the noise around them, but it’s not unbearable- far from it. He’s got some reggae on right now, a genre he indulges in when he needs to calm down and just relax his body.

When he turns to look at her, Jirou’s got a smile on her lips. Her feet are tapping to the beat effortlessly, and her fingers are mapping out the tune on an invisible fretboard. She opens her eyes and looks over at Bakugou, and her smile widens, crinkling the edges of her eyes.

Thank you, she mouths, flashing him another blinding smile. It makes Bakugou huff.

‘Whatever,’ he murmurs under his breath. The look in her eyes could not be mistaken for anything else- unadulterated gratitude and a heavy dose of love.

These gooey feelings are going to give him an upset stomach, Bakugou’s calling it right now.

---

Bakugou doesn’t even notice the pattern till Kirishima points it out to him.

It goes a little something like this- Bakugou feels off during training, or maybe doesn’t do as well as he’d expected on a test or project, or something just doesn’t go right. So naturally, he’s in a piss poor mood.

The squad’s antics don’t do much for him then, doesn’t really raise his spirits or anything, and he usually goes back to his room, slamming his door shut and pacing around like a caged tiger.

And that’s when his phone rings. The caller ID reads Pikachu.

‘What the fuck do you want?’

‘Bakubrooooooooo,’ Kaminari croons, and Bakugou wants to break something.

‘Fuck of-‘

‘You ever wonder if cereal is soup?’

All the fight drains out of Bakugou, leaving only confusion in its place. ‘What?’

‘Yeah, I mean, is cereal like a sub-category of soup or something? Wouldn’t that make sense?’

‘Dunce-face, what the fuck? That doesn’t even make sense? You don’t cook cereal?’

‘Yes, but you could eat it with a soup spoon. That should count for something.’

‘I hate you. So much.’

‘Aww, love you too bro. Ok, gotta go, byee~’

Bakugou stares at his phone, shocked and confused and annoyed.

But no longer angry. No longer pacing about, no longer in a foul mood.

Another time, after a particularly bad bout of training, ending with aching forearms and snarls of frustration because he needs to get better but it’s not happening fast enough, Bakugou wants nothing more than to scream into a pillow and maybe eat some hot sauce.

Again, he gets a call from Kaminari.

‘Wha-‘

‘Do you ever just think about pizza and cry?’

‘Huh?’

‘Yeah, I mean, I think humanity reached its peak when it invented pizza, you know? And that makes me cry. Such perfection.’ He can picture Kaminari making a chef’s kiss gesture, and it pisses him off.

‘This is why you called me? Are you fucking with me?’

‘It’s really an honest question Bakubro. Don’t you ever tremble at the sheer magnificence of pizza?’

‘Delete my number.’

‘No can do. Gotta go, love you, bye!’

And again, he’s gone, just as quickly as he arrived. And again, Bakugou is left feeling baffled and miffed but no longer angry, no longer itching to scream and claw and break something.

He still eats some hot sauce though.

Kirishima is with him after one of his bad days, sitting on his bed and trying to pacify him.

‘It’s ok, it-‘

‘Shut up, Shitty hair! Fuck-‘ His hands tremble with the need to just do something, vent somehow, to break the tension in his spine. He doesn’t want to snap at Kirishima, which is why he never lets him tag along when he stomps away to his room after a bad day, but the redhead can be ridiculously caring sometimes and Bakugou doesn’t want to hurt him.

He doesn’t know what else to do though.

‘Shit, I- you need to leave, get out before I-‘

His phone rings. Pikachu, it says.

‘Dunce-‘

‘I’ve decided that, in the event of an apocalypse, you and I are teaming up together.’

‘Wha-‘

‘I know you’d much rather team up with Kirishima, cause he’s so strong and handsome and he’s your best friend, but he’ll be fine. I, on the other hand, will die immediately. So, it’s just you and me Blasty.’

‘Fuck right off, why would I-‘

‘We could name ourselves the atomic blondes.’ Kaminari suddenly makes a whooping noise. ‘Damn, that’s perfect Bakugou! I gotta print tee shirts right now, we’d look amazing.’

‘I am not wearing anything that matches you, miss me with that shit.’

‘I promise it’ll be black, and like, soft, with skull patterns or something.’

‘Fuck off.’

‘I gotta go anyway, but you’re stuck with me Bakubro. Anyway, bye, love you!’

They end the call, or rather, Kaminari cuts it before Bakugou can get an insult or two in there, and when he looks back at Kirishima, he sees a big, goofy smile on his face.

‘What?’ he grumbles, tossing his phone on his bed.

‘He does that often?’

‘What, call me and say really random, really stupid shit? Yeah, all the damn time. I need to block his ass.’

‘Kinda sweet though, huh?’

Bakugou cocks his head. ‘What’re you talking about? It’s a fucking pain.’

‘Yeah, but you don’t seem as mad anymore.’

‘I-‘ And yet again, Bakugou is disgruntled and confused and irritated at himself, for getting swept up by Kaminari’s pace, but he’s not angry. All the fight has mostly bled out of his limbs, and he feels more or less normal if only a little on edge. Nothing too difficult to deal with.

‘Son of a bitch,’ Bakugou breathes. Kirishima’s smile is a tad wider, and he scoots over on the bed, making some space for Bakugou while he pulls out his laptop, ready to load up some shitty videos.

‘Tell him about this and I will never speak to you again,’ Bakugou grumbles finally, settling in next to Kirishima, leaning most of his weight into the redhead.

He feels Kirishima’s chest rumble with laughter.

‘Your secret’s safe with me.’

Bakugou wonders if anyone’s ever tried to harness the power of feels to run turbines or some shit, because this stuff’s turning out to be overwhelmingly powerful.

---

In terms of quirk compatibility, Bakugou has found his perfect match in Kirishima.

The blonde’s quirk is perfect for offence. Granted, it’s exceptionally versatile and he can handle his own just fine, but with Kirishima, he feels invincible.

Red Riot is unmoving, unabashed, and utterly unbreakable. He knows Bakugou inside out, knows his moves, his tactics, his signals. They fight like a well-oiled machine, adjusting and improvising with ease. Fighting alongside Kirishima, alongside Red Riot, is like breathing. They almost dance around each other, and between taking down villains and conducting search and rescue, they’ve made themselves a formidable hero pair even before graduation.

So, it’s not uncommon for them to be paired up even when they’re working and interning under different heroes. They’re that good.

They’re on a mission together when things take a turn for the absolute worst.

Most of the pros are down, caught in the crossfire or too busy protecting the civilians to engage in combat. There are fires blazing everywhere, smoke congesting the air around them so much that Bakugou can barely breathe.

Riot stands next to him, breathing slightly laboured but otherwise unhurt. Bakugou has a cut on his forehead, blood running down his face, but he feels ok. Good enough to rush into battle and do his part in subduing these shitty villains.

But experience has taught him better than to run in with no plan, even when he’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, eager to rush into the action. Experience has taught him that without a moment to catch his breath and restructure the plan to achieve their goals, he’ll be doing a lot more harm than good. It’s frustrating as all hell, but he’s a hero in training. You learn this stuff on the job.

‘What do you think?’ He asks the redhead.

Kirishima straightens out his back, hands on his hips. ‘The elemental quirk user will probably be the biggest pain in the ass.’

Bakugou nods. ‘It seemed like a water quirk. We need to get her away from the buildings, away from the piping. There was also that shitty smoke user, he’s the reason the air is barely breathable.’

‘Yao-momo’s masks would’ve come so in handy right now,’ Kirishima muses with a smile.

Bakugou grunts in begrudging agreement but doesn’t comment further on it. ‘There should be three other villains, all with high-level quirks. I’m not sure which other pros will free up to help, but we have to isolate them, move them towards the construction site,’ Bakugou points somewhat East of their current location, ‘as per the plan.’

Kirishima nods in agreement and catches Bakugou’s eyes and the blonde’s breath hitches.

They don’t talk about it, but here’s the other thing- they’re probably going to get hurt, maybe even fatally. Not because they’re weak or they want to or anything, but the villains seem endless. They’re fucking strong too, and even with an army of heroes, the villains seem to come at them harder and faster the longer this battle goes on. Bakugou can feel his own stamina start to vain, and he knows Kirishima will hit his limit too, slower than the blonde but still. There will come a point when Kirishima’s skin won’t harden and Bakugou’s blasts will lower in intensity till all he can manage are sparks.

And even then, he knows they will fight with their fists and their bodies and their teeth. That’s what heroes do- they put everything on the line, for the people and for justice.

More often than not, they lose their lives for it.

Well, for what’s it worth, Bakugou could not have asked for a better partner by his side in such shitty, dire times. Kirishima’s soft smile seems to reflect his sentiments.

‘Hey, Katsuki?’

The hero code of conduct frowns upon the use of personal names in costume. You have a hero name for a reason, and it helps preserve your sense of anonymity and privacy, even if it’s pretty useless at its job.

For Kirishima to name him, and first name him at that, just goes to show how serious the situation is.

‘Yeah, Ei?’

‘Make me some hotpot when we get back, ok?’

Bakugou inhales deeply, coughs because of the stupid smoke, and his fists clench tight enough to leave crescent moons in his palms.

‘Only if I’m in the mood, Shitty Hair,’ Bakugou retorts, his voice far too soft for the King Explosion Murder hero. But that’s ok- here is only Eijirou, Katsuki, and the world burning around them. Soft is ok here.

Kirishima’s familiar belly-deep laughter gives him a boost of energy.

‘Let’s kick some ass.’

Bakugou feels, for one glorious moment, like he can take on the entire world.

They take their first few steps before Kirishima steps in front of him, blocking off his path. When he looks up to catch his eyes again, the blonde’s protests and insults die in his throat.

Kirishima’s gaze is trained on him as he slowly reaches forward and grabs Bakugou’s right forearm with his right hand, fingers digging into the muscle. It’s a firm, solid grip, reassuring and warm and so very familiar. His eyes are bright, bold, and wine-red. And they’re so full of love, brimming with the kind of affection, respect, and adoration that Bakugou never thought he’d be subjected to. Kirishima opens his mouth as if to say everything his body is already telling Bakugou.

‘I know,’ Bakugou interrupts, voice hoarse. Because he does know. The redhead is his best friend in the entire world, his person, his rock. ‘I know, Ei.’ His own fingers wrap around Kirishima’s wide forearm, gripping tight with calloused, too hot fingers.

Kirishima flashes him another soft smile past his headgear before letting go. He waits for Bakugou to catch up and they walk together, side by side, equals.

When they see the first villain, doing her best to uproot an entire building, Bakugou casts one last look at Kirishima, sees his positively feral smile, and charges with the force of a wild beast.

There are no feels there, just adrenaline, rage, and trust so thick, even concrete would crack under its weight.

---

When you’re training to be a hero, things can go wrong.

Accidents happen. People don’t move out of the way fast enough, or there’s a domino effect of some sort, or the aftershocks of one attack reaches a place it shouldn’t.

Bakugou’s switched up his training partner, choosing to train with Iida to fine-tune his aim and work with a fast-moving target. His blasts hit the mark sometimes, but not always. The gym is huge, so they aren’t really risking anyone with their training; at least, that’s how it is for a while.

But then, Bakugou takes aim and blasts at Iida, Iida dodges swiftly, the attack takes out a portion of the rock formations in the gym, and suddenly there’s a landslide headed right at Hagakure and Kaminari.

Bakugou doesn’t even think about it; his body moves before his brain catches up, and he’s suddenly in front of the two, arms raised to obliterate the debris when he realizes that a portion of the mountain had been laced with explosives for someone else’s training, and his quirk would make things exponentially worse. With the last few moments he has, Bakugou shoves Chargebolt and Invisible Girl away roughly and gets buried under the avalanche of debris.

The last thing he thinks he hears is a chorus of voices yelling Bakugou before his vision goes black.

---

And that’s what Bakugou remembers when he wakes up to white. White walls, white curtains, white sheets.

Unfortunately, the noise isn’t white. It’s annoyingly and stupidly loud.

‘There are too many of you here,’ Recovery girl says, sounding exasperated. ‘He will be fine, he just needs to regain his strength.’

‘Sensei, a whole section of a mountain fell on him, how can he just be fine?’ Jirou questions, sounding severely distressed.

‘Plus, this happened while he was saving me,’ Kaminari chips in. ‘I’m not leaving him.’

‘I have a secret healing quirk of my own,’ Ashido bullshits. ‘He’ll feel so much better when he hears my voice. I have to stay, it’ll be a crime for me to go.’

‘I can tape his wounds?’ Sero offers sheepishly.

He can hear Recovery Girl’s sigh from the other end of the room. ‘And you?’

‘He’s my person.’ Kirishima says it like it’s enough of an explanation.

Recovery Girl clicks her tongue. ‘Overdramatic, the lot of you. Play rock paper scissors or something, but I’m only allowing one of you to stay. The rest of you are going back to the dorms.’

The room bursts into noise again and Bakugou’s head feels like it’s splitting open.  

‘HOLY FUCK, SHUT UP!’ The blonde roars from his bed. ‘I LOVE YOU GUYS, BUT IF YOU DON’T STOP YELLING, I WILL BODILY THROW YOU ALL OUT THE DAMN WINDOW.’

His own yelling does more harm than good to his throbbing head, but the noises stop completely so at least it did its job.

He’s alone for a blissful second before a crowd of five idiots surroundS his bed. Kirishima’s face peers into his, smile wide and eyes crinkled around the edges.

‘Hi, how you feeling?’

‘Like someone ran me through a garbage disposal and then put me in a microwave.’

‘Such details, much prose,’ Sero quips, earning him a chop from Ashido.

‘Blasty my love, can we do anything?’

‘Yeah, shut the fuck up and let me sleep.’

Jirou squeezes his calf from the foot of the bed. ‘You gave us a real scare there.’

‘I’m fine,’ Bakugou grumbles.

‘He will be,’ Recovery Girl reiterates, pushing them away and standing next to him. ‘I’ll do another bout of healing once you’ve recovered some of your strength. You can go back to the dorms before bed.’ She turns to his classmates. ‘Only one of you.’

They look at one another and everyone but Kirishima starts shuffling away reluctantly.

Kaminari lingers behind before quickly giving Bakugou a gentle hug. ‘Thanks,’ he whispers into his ear before pulling off and following after the others. Bakugou rolls his eyes and curls onto his side, yelping when he puts some weight on his tender side.

‘Easy,’ Kirishima mumbles, easing him onto his back. When Bakugou is finally comfortable, Kirishima drags one of the chairs lined up against the wall next to the bed and plops down, exhaling. Bakugou opens a tired eye to look at him and sees Kirishima with a stupidly smug smile on his face.

‘What?’

‘You love us, huh?’

Bakugou had hoped they hadn’t caught that, even though he’d screamed it loud enough for the entire building to have heard. Apparently, a cliff falling on you doesn’t stop you from blushing.

‘Fuck off, you were hearing things,’ he says anyway, because what is Bakugou if not in full denial about so many things?

Kirishima’s laugh is loving not mocking, and he puts his hand on Bakugou’s elbow.

‘Good to have you back Kats.’ He gives it a gentle squeeze. ‘Get some rest huh? I’ll be here when you wake up.’

Bakugou gives him a weak glare, but he can’t muster enough rage and anger because the absolute worst part is, he meant it. Because apparently being a rage-filled hero in training doesn’t make one impervious to feels.

Bakugou feels so betrayed by his own thoughts and emotions.

But right as he loses consciousness, he finds himself wondering if he minds all that much and he decides he doesn’t, almost not at all. The answer doesn’t really surprise him either.

He falls asleep to a cool breeze brushing over his skin and the sound of Kirishima humming under his breath.

[vtforpedro]

medical update - long post, TWs in tags

my head is as bad as it's been since the beginning of it all. it's been seven months since it's been at this level. nearing the end of my rope here anyway. so the only thing that's keeping me from getting the official IIH diagnosis is a lumbar puncture. I was gonna do one cause my neurosurgeon wanted me to get one and as he was on the way out of the door (in april 2020) he's like 'oh yeah if you read anything about death/emergency surgery from getting a lumbar puncture with a chiari malformation don't worry about it' me, who had not been googling things anymore cause it was making my anxiety really high, now very worried about it: haha ok!! yeah so there are numerous documented cases of people with chiari malformation having an LP done and for whatever reason, the sudden decrease in spinal fluid causes the chiari (cerebellar tonsils have herniated into the spinal cord opening in the base of the skull) to 100% herniate and results in immediate life-saving full-on brain surgery right then and there so!!! I never got an LP because I was like, fresh in the middle of the worst of the medical trauma, three weeks out of the hospital where my intense phobia of IVs came from, no one was believing me about any of it etc etc lmao goddd I wish he hadn't said anything cause my anxiety brain is stupid but when I saw him in late october and he finally believed me and started talking about IIH, the actual diagnostic tool (the last one anyway) is a lumbar puncture. to rule out anything in the spinal fluid (which is pretty much already ruled out for me because it's been 19 months and I would've had other stuff happening if it were something in the fluid) and check the pressure in my brain. IIH is intracranial hypertension for who knows why. I asked my neurologist yesterday if I get it, since we have ruled everrrrything out, and my pressure is high, will I get the IIH diagnosis and he said correct. like it's the only thing I'm missing!!! but the problem with getting the diagnosis is there are legit two medications they use to treat IIH and they are not without potentially severe side effects (they lower spinal fluid production and fucking with your brain when they don't really know Why can. fuck your brain) and I am already terrified of new meds. I don't want to go through all this shit just to have horrible things happen when I try to treat it, you know? but weight loss is clearly not working, at least not yet and I don't know if it ever will. if it doesn't, I'm going to have to have surgery. that's the only way to fix this :/ I talked to my neurosurgeon in october about the risks of herniation with an LP and I think he got frustrated lmao because he's like 'it's like the biggest myth out there! I've never seen it in my entire career' but it's not a myth because it HAS happened. I would say him being a renowned neurosurgeon means that it's probably a really low risk? but it's not a fuckin myth and with him being a renowned neurosurgeon I have no doubts he knows that. because I saw a neurologist team shortly before I went back to him that said 'oh no, we never order LPs for chiari patients. it's taught in school because the risk is too high' so I'm like ok my neurosurgeon is fantastic at what he does but he was playing fast and loose with the truth, so do I want to trust this guy? I'm being told they teach it in school to not do this because people have died. I'm being told by my new neurologist that he thinks the benefits far outweigh the risks, my chiari is so mild, it'll be done in the hospital under the right settings with monitoring, etc etc, and that he considers my neurosurgeon the true expert on the matter and to maybe listen to him and himself and not what a different neuro said WHICH WOULD BE OKAY if the risk wasn't fucking DEATH in a horrible way during a fairly common procedure!!! like it's considered 'invasive' but it's still done often enough my brain is at a complete standstill. I am living in such horrible agony that I want to end my life. if I get the LP, I could actually experience relief for a while because

of the removal of some SF resulting in less pressure in my skull. or I could just straight up die lmao but also I don't want to be on meds to treat it even if I do get the diagnosis!! I am in the middle of applying for disability (not even 50% of the way through and it's a long process ._.) so if I get this diagnosis and I add it to my claim, this, along with everrrrrything else, gives me an even higher chance of getting approved and if this doesn't go away from weight loss, I will be forced to do an LP anyway because I will have to confirm the pressure in my skull so they can perform surgery. but that would be months away, maybe even late next year, because I do still have to lose all the weight first so my dilemma is, do I just go ahead with the LP despite the risks (no matter how low they are and I genuinely don't know how low from getting so many mixed answers from doctors) because I could get relief and because I could get the diagnosis to add to disability? what happens if the Worst™ happens and I never walk out of the hospital, you know? it's scary. it's genuinely so terrifying to me. I'm having traumatic nightmares about this shit my cognitive function has been declining enough that I have zero recollection of a few things happening. it's not just forgetting, it's a complete blackout. I'm mixing up meds and a couple other things. and it's scaring me. neuro referred me to a neuropsychologist to evaluate this stuff my head is so bad I am in a constant heightened state of extreme anxiety and depression and stress. I'm starting to get heart palpitations again. like something's gotta give, right? I don't know what to do if you or someone you know has had a lumbar puncture, please please please do NOT tell me any horror stories about it (I legit can't handle it). if you've had one and it was easy peasy lemon squeezy, can you tell me about it, please? hanging on by a fucking threeeeeeead. love you all very much